My ex made up phony charges to the police so she could keep more of my money (which the crown had to drop).
After work found out they threatened to fire me to negotiate themselves a better position.
Lost most of what I had to lawyers fees, lost the rest of it to the market.
What I did in response:
Lost 60 pounds
Met a great, funny, vibrant, intelligent, much thinner and younger woman
Told them I quit and ended up negotiating a better position
Blew what little I had left on a trip to Burning Man, met some great friends and gained a lot of perspective.
Grew my side biz into the point where it might survive the next 6 month, and lined up financing.
The future:
Quit my job last month
Taking the side biz full time
Life is indeed better on the other side. The funny thing about life is that to have the freedom to do anything you need to first lose everything. Courts, jails, and lawyers may be able to take your money, but they can't take your friends. Likewise they can confine your body, but they can't confine your mind. Going through all that gave me incredible perspective. I've always been a very caring and charitable person and it paid off in spades going through that whole ordeal. I never realized what an incredible social network I had developed through my character until I had to call on it. I left the ex with literally the shirt on my back and within a week had a fully furnished, albiet modestly, apartment and more importantly friends to fill it with cheer and laughter (to be honest a few tears as well, but mostly laughter and cheer).
do you regret the trip to Burning Man?
I've made a few trips to Kaua'i I couldn't necessarily "afford" and haven't regretted it.. which is why I ask. Thank You.
I went to restore my faith in humanity after reading about the gifting culture. It was at a very philosophical point in my life. I decided that if there were people that gave with out asking still left on the planet that I'd find them there, and so with that in mind I put an ad up on CL offering a free ride.
It was a great party and I ended up doing a lot of that, but wandering the playa by day and night in varying forms of consciousness was some sort of vision quest for me.
For me it's not a question of can you afford it but can you afford not to.
Because being "much thinner and younger" is what we should celebrate about our new partners.
The Western notion of romantic love papers over a lot of the primate realities. His ex probably thought she'd be trading him in for somebody more alpha so I don't begrudge him his success in an ironic turnabout.
What people think should be true about relationships tends to get in the way of what is true about relationships.
The Western notion of "thinner and younger" also papers over a lot of the primate realities. I know quite a few women who when I first met were completely unremarkable if not downright unattractive, who over time became as attractive as any other.
And being more conventionally attractive would not increase my eventual attraction to them, just as the vast majority of conventionally attractive women are not so at all after a very short time.
I feel like I'm wading into dangerous territory here ("I'm going to get downvoted for this"), but I think petercooper raised a valid objection (sort of). Not that I really want to be picking nits over all this and getting hyperanalytical over one line from fleitz's inspiring story, but...
You know why petercooper disregarded the "great, funny, vibrant, intelligent" part? Because those are qualities fleitz values in his new partner that are inherent to her. But the qualities of being "much thinner and younger" than some other woman are not. Those are the sort of comparisons you make when you view women as trophies, which, I hope we can all agree, is pretty douchebaggey.
Now I don't actually think fleitz is a women-as-trophies sort of guy. He got screwed over by his ex, so he's just happy to point out some things about this woman he met that make her different from his ex and make him happier. No problem with that. But at least you can see what it is petercooper is responding to, which isn't simply being "willing to admit that youth and looks are important to us in a partner."
(Also, I hope it's evident that this isn't the sort of thing you should admit, loudly, to your hot young girlfriend or whatever in front of a bunch of fat and old people. The idea that you should be honest about yourself isn't incompatible with the idea that there's a time and a place for everything.)
So anyway, yeah, I don't think the guy deserved to get trashed for his response. It was an understandable one to make.
Maybe he thinks I'm making a mistake, it just sounds like PC bs to me. I actually admit this kind of thing all over the place. It does two things, it makes you interesting, and it weeds out the wet blankets from the room. Just start saying the truth it's much more fun than pretending to believe a bunch of pc bs. Who doesn't like young and attractive women? Maybe peter cooper should tell elon musk he shouldn't be seeing the new wife because she is young and attractive.
Sorry, but I can't agree. Fleitz made a wonderful and inspirational post and got a preachy response which singled out the four words where he mentioned the physical characteristics of his new girlfriend. I don't see him getting the same response if he'd described her as "much smarter and funnier" rather than "much younger and thinner".
Well being younger is sort of inherent to her - obviously her absolute age will increase, but her age relative to fleitz is fixed - she'll always be X years younger than him.
It's awesome on the other side, with a caveat. You will get rejected. Again, and again, and again. Things will go wrong. Your dreams will get shattered. The moment you demonstrate signs of success, suddenly people will start knocking on your door. And when things change, you'll get rejected again. People will leave, mutiny, and flip out. The worst and the best of human nature will come out in plain sight.
If you're unprepared for this, a sliver of ice will form in your heart and will grow larger and larger, until there is nothing left. At the end, you will end up where you were before, with all your dreams shattered and endless cynicism about life and your fellow man in your heart. If you choose to say yes where you said no, and no where you said yes, you must learn to love people for their best and worst qualities, always and unconditionally, lest your adventure ends in a disaster.
Side note - anybody thinking about getting married should look into the financial implications of getting divorced. It shouldn't stop you, but you should at least understand you're putting at least half of everything you own on the table and potentially more. I think you don't completely understand marriage unless you've been divorced.
It may just be confirmation bias but I've been thinking about heading off in a much less conventional direction myself so articles like this are welcome.
Why do people get married? It's a poorly defined contract with ill-defined consequences into which they enter apparently because it's what everyone else does to signal their feelings. Similar to giving a diamond engagement ring or using off-the-shelf business forms.
You are not marrying another person. You are marrying the other half of YOU. And not your better half either, simply your other half. It's not about love either. Love (as commonly used) lasts 3 years. Don't marry for love or you'll get divorced in 3 years. There needs to be a deeper, quieter, but more constant emotion.
I actually wonder whether marriage should have a time limit specified. Its a better fit to reality : people living longer, large proportion divorcing after 5 years, sequential marriages to different people.
"I love you darling, will you spend the next 12 years with me to raise a child together?".
This is not purely cynical... I think its so cool when two people who have been married for 15 years decide to celebrate with second marriage ceremony to launch them into the next 15.
The time commitment should set the financial arrangements when you divorce - Ending a life long marriage might split 50/50 whereas ending a 10yr marriage might confer a 15% mix of wealth shared.
Ummm, it takes a minimum of 18 years to raise a child. If you continue to "raise" the child through college, add at least another four. If you have more than one child, you hit the timer reset every time.
Getting married to raise a child is essentially a lifetime commitment, at least for one of the two getting married.
A lot of people don't like a lot of things, so what? It still happens. When the laws of a country are based on religion and pre-marital sex is not allowed, solutions like this are bound to happen; it is inevitable.
"I think its so cool when two people who have been married for 15 years decide to celebrate with second marriage ceremony to launch them into the next 15."
Because your relationship has reached a point where you're both sacrificing a LOT just to be together. You're planning the rest of your life with the idea that she (or he) will be a part of it. Why? Because you're in love and you wouldn't want a future without the other person.
So why get married? Because you don't want the other person to be capable of throwing all of your sacrifices away on a whim just because you hit a rough patch.
So why get married? Because you don't want the other person to be capable of throwing all of your sacrifices away on a whim just because you hit a rough patch.
Not sure this is really HN fodder but since we're on the subject.
That you give two almost completely diametrically opposed reasons for marriage says a lot about the schizophrenia of the institution. Marriage is simultaneously an expression of love and solidarity and a business contract with the potential for extremely stiff penalties in breach. It's the ultimate "trust but verify" of human relationships. The longer you ponder this the stranger the whole idea seems.
Bad choice of words perhaps. I really meant hide it out of reach, not hide it out of sight.
Good point though. Actually hiding assets is a terrible form of protection (just as in computing security through obscurity is a terrible means of security).
EDIT: Looks like jacquesm can type faster than I :-/
Hey, all I have is a typing diploma and a driving license, both were money well spent and I use them every day. It's not a whole lot of formal education but I get by ;)
That's so true. The other advice reads like security through obscurity, once the secret is blown (and there are no secrets if there is more than one person involved) the security is too.
My understanding is that half of everything you earned and bought while married is on the table. Stuff you owned or earned before the marriage is not on the table unless you want it to be. Non-marital property vs. marital property.
A co-worker of mine got divorced not long ago. I believe it went to court, but not sure (they both had lawyers). No kids were involved. His wife received half his assets, 100% of their co-owned business, all of his retirement money, and substantial alimony for 5 years. He got a devalued house with 2 mortgages and a 15 year old car. The wife is also a skilled, in-demand professional who could easily make $60k/year+.
Hearing face-to-face how badly this guy got fucked over was eye-opening to say the least. The truth is, family courts are highly biased against men. Get a pre-nup if you get married, or learn that truth the hard way.
And be fully aware that pre-nups can and often are overturned in divorce courts. Also be aware that different countries have very different rules regarding pre-nups and divorce. So even if your pre-nup is watertight when you get married, if you subsequently move and end up getting divorced in a different country then don't expect your old pre-nup to be worth anything.
The funny thing is that you face bias even if you are a man or a women.
Let's face it. It sucks to be a woman in 90% of the world. You do not have any right over your own body. You are a second rate citizen. At best. Oh and you are a commodity to be kept "intact" and sold through something that resembles marriage, but isn't marriage. Not to mention a vagina that has the audacity to bleed once a month causing pain that most men simply don't understand.
Yet it is equally hard to be male, especially if you deviate from the established norms of masculinity. It is quite interesting how society censors effeminate male behavior than masculine female behavior. It doesn't matter where you are born being a gender variant kid isn't exactly a nice deal. However, if you are the alpha male who pounds his hairy muscular chest while trying to club women, then you've got it made.
At the same time I see reverse discrimination operate for males in a lot of spaces. Granted it is not as wide spread as discrimination against women, but it exists. Somehow society has taught us that women cannot perpetuate sexual abuse, or any kind of abuse for that matter and we agree to tow the line. I've actually seen people being framed by women who abuse laws that exist to protect them against a chauvinistic society.
I guess this is what they call the human condition, and in a lot of ways it will stop only when we stop segregating people into roles based upon some difference we can come up with. I wish I could tell people to calm down and just let each other be.
Much bitching by men notwithstanding, I believe the exact opposite. Statistics say that after divorce, men usually wind up better off and women worse off.
One place that I wound up reading about this, with lots of specific statistics quoted, was The Price of Motherhood. (That source had an obvious axe to grind. But including lots of citations from actual research, and that is the part I'd trust here.)
You point out that divorce is initiated 70% of the time by women. However that has little direct correlation with how the divorce goes.
You point out that women tend to get over 50% of the assets. This is true. However women tend to keep the kids, and therefore take an undue portion of the future economic liabilities coming from the relationship. In particular this makes it more likely that they will be granted the house - typically the couple's biggest asset. Furthermore if you include expected future income, women are suddenly much worse off.
And we come to the more important point. It is indisputable that women are much more likely to be granted custody of the kids. However most of the time men don't actually want custody of the kids. When men choose to contest it, they usually wind up with the kids. (For the simple reason that, having a more dependable source of income, men are typically in a better position to raise the kids.) you have to look at what the couple wanted. Men who choose to contest custody usually wind up with the kids. Therefore the fact that the woman tends to wind up with the bulk of the responsibility for that liability isn't actually a sign that women are coming out ahead in the divorce.
However women tend to keep the kids, and therefore take an undue portion of the future economic liabilities coming from the relationship.
In this case they also get child support and, often, alimony.
However most of the time men don't actually want custody of the kids. When men choose to contest it, they usually wind up with the kids.
Source?
For the simple reason that, having a more dependable source of income, men are typically in a better position to raise the kids.
This isn't 1950 anymore. Women now outnumber men in many professions and are earning more college degrees. Of the couples in my office only one has a stay-at-home wife. In many of these couples the wife has a job with more authority and a better salary. Child care is being outsourced.
It's true that either side can lose out in a divorce but it's just not true anymore that divorce favors men.
I think it depends on the state but you're right that's how it works in CA.
Of course that means that if you're the only one working in a marriage that's half of your 100%. If you get married young you probably won't be starting with much.
Yup. Presumably the non-earner is contributing something else to the marriage and to the household (like child-rearing). And you'd think that if that person was a total slacker and bad spouse, the court would divide the stuff in favor of the earner.
But who knows. I'd want to talk to a divorce lawyer or judge.
I just wanted to clarify the common misconception that you can "marry someone and take half of their [existing] stuff".
And you'd think that if that person was a total slacker and bad spouse, the court would divide the stuff in favor of the earner.
Again I think this varies from state to state but at least in CA considerations like this make zero difference. You split anything acquired during the marriage 50/50. Period. I imagine the intent of this rule is to limit the legal wiggle room and consequently the court costs of a divorce but the first thing they'll tell you is to not even use the word "fair".
But you're right that things you owned beforehand remain yours.
> You split anything acquired during the marriage 50/50. Period.
And on top of that the judge that ultimately reviews the case can change the terms even if both parties have agreed to them. Presumably this is to fix the problem of making someone sign to a unfair arrangement under duress.
This annoyed me (scared me, really) when I went through my divorce, but ultimately our agreement went through the court unscathed (pretty much just 50/50, though certain things are complicated, like how do you value the dog??).
is it and shouldn't it be a net worth upon marriage vs a net worth upon filing for divorce?
The yearly earnings of the breadwinner shouldn't matter, they both squandered that while married, right?, if they didn't well let's split it then, as that is fair?
You also split debts. I had a friend that split up with his wife but got saddled with half of the debts she ran up running her own business that he had nothing to do with. This is why it's very important to document the date of separation because that's what's used to decide who gets what.
is it and shouldn't it be a net worth upon marriage vs a net worth upon filing for divorce?
Depending on how you define said net worth, possibly. But you have to define it very carefully. So that's probably not a good way to look at things.
The yearly earnings of the breadwinner shouldn't matter, they both squandered that while married, right?, if they didn't well let's split it then, as that is fair?
The problem is that the yearly earnings of the breadwinner are often affected by the support of the partner. If a woman puts her husband through med school, his expected future income is an asset that she had some role in providing him. Does she deserve to be compensated for that? If so, then how much?
Going the other way, suppose that she compromised her career for him. Sure, she can go back in the working world, but initial differences in income levels tend to permanently affect your future income. Does she deserve compensation for her likely permanent reduction in potential earnings? Speaking of which, how can you try to quantify that?
And then the million dollar question. Suppose that she is left with a permanent economic liability, aka kids. (When men contest custody, they get the kids 70% of time, but men seldom contest custody.) How do you fairly divide the cost of raising said kids?
Nothing is simple about the economics of what constitutes a fair divorce. And there are enough vague, open-ended questions there for both parties to come out feeling legitimately hard done by.
If a woman puts her husband through med school, his expected future income is an asset that she had some role in providing him. Does she deserve to be compensated for that? If so, then how much?
Or, if a husband supports his wife and pays for her schooling while he's the only one working, is she still entitled to half of everything he earned in that period, including 401k and stock options?
Ask your lawyer about Family Limited Partnerships. Don't own anything yourself. It's better for tax and estate reasons. And agree up front how assets are split if their ever is a divorce.
Absolutely true, especially the vice-versa part. Everyone's definition of success is different. Others may think you are a failure based on this post, while thinking you were a success based on almost every other post. Their perception of your success or failure should not change whether you feel successful or not. The only thing that matters is whether you yourself feel successful or not. If not (having read your blog for a while), I'm certain you're on the way to change things around.
And yes, big changes are awesome. Took me almost a year to change my work/school situation but now I'm finally happy about how things are going to be.
The "vice-versa" part is an important life lesson. Walk to a freeway onramp w/ a rucksack on your back and stick out your thumb, you'll probably meet some fascinating people. Quit what seems like a safe job, travel a bit, land in a different city, and see what you can do there - at the worst, you'll find something differently stimulating. The fear of change is never based on certainty, just on an inverse relationship with one's own flexibility. And I'd wager that, generally speaking, the more flexible, the better.
Thanks for sharing this, it was extremely brave of you to do so.
Speaking of one's failures in public requires a high degree of
courage. Besides, from reading your other posts on HN, I thought you
were what I would generally consider a successful guy. But like you
said, there's always a flip side in every situation.
I am at rock bottom right now, and as I struggle to get up. I've searched for resources to help me figure out the best way out. I have made plans. Created structures for myself. Kicked myself. A lot.
However, I've fallen flat on my face again and again due to a simple reason. I don't have the resources to execute any kind of measures to get myself out of this mess. I can't concentrate without getting suicidal imagery in my head and spiraling into a very disturbing cycle. I really don't have any pre-requisite life experience to rely on. The worst thing is that time is running out for me to apply to college.
On the other hand, this is might be more of a blessing. I have literally started my life with a blank slate, and now I can choose the foundation for my future in a way that few can. If only I knew how.
* Theres no time frame to "go to college". Or for that matter to "be successful", "get married" or any such thing. Each to his own.
* Dont be so hard on yourself. This kicks into motion a negative spiral. You need to stop this now. Immediately. Catch your negative thoughts. They are your real problem. Imagine how great a day would be without these thoughts? Meditation will really help in controlling negative thoughts.
* Be thankful. You live in a great country. Your not walking 10 miles a day for getting drinking water. Your not hiding in the desert trying to avoid enslavement by warlords and your not in prison. Yay! Seriously, by being thankful, you'll feel happier and more grounded and thats a good way to start each day.
* Usually the things that trip you up will seem so stupid. And thats just the nature of the game. You might not get a job because you forgot to spell check your resume. Shit happens. Different people have different problems. Realize that the only thing that matters is to fix that one problem and not:
* What others would think if they knew you had a problem. (really is of no consequence)
* The idea that you have problems and others dont (everyone does)
* The idea that maybe at your age you shouldnt be having this problem (this is pure society induced crap)
Come up with a way to fix that particular problem and move on. If it happens again, then you know you need a better method. But ALWAYS move on. Dont get stagnated by the past.
The problem is that I live in India, and down here there is a time frame to go to college. I can only give the entrance exam in order to prove to those lofty institutions that I am "worthy enough" to walk through those doors.
I hate this system, because everything falls down to a 6 hour exam which supposedly determines my entire "career". If possible I will apply to MIT et al, but I don't have any hopes for them. I know that college doesn't matter. At the same time I also know that it is a stamp that guarantees some basic standard of living, especially when people are free to discriminate against you. So, in all probability I won't go to college right now, but I will secure admission to some big name college so that I have something to fall back to.
I actually don't want to go to college in India as it won't exactly be a happy experience for me. Lets just say that I am unacceptable to their "Indian sensibilities".
At the same time you're right I have a lot to be thankful for. At least I am not on the street right now.
You're absolutely right about everything else, but I have a question. How do you control those thoughts when you are not meditating? They overwhelm me and I just sink into them. What makes it worse is that it reminds me how little control I have over myself. So how do you do it?
One of the biggest problems is that I live in an extremely negative environment, and I realize the need to break free. At the same time I exist within that paradigm and I seek security within it, which just increases the problems.
On the other end you have given me the gem I need to survive. Moving on. That is perhaps the only way it can ever work out.
Again there is no time frame. Its something that is society induces but yes its very hard to see from where you are right now.
Sridhar Vembu who runs Zoho.com (chennai I think) doesnt hire graduate students. He hires people who havent got a degree. Try contacting him if you dont get into an engineering school.
College IS important but its not sooo important that if you dont get into a good one that your life will be ruined. I'm now working with people who went much worse colleges than me. Even one guy who spent 3 years finishing 9 credits :). Ie he never finished college.
Even if you go to a bad college, still go. It will give you a lot of free time and the oppurtunity
to study. It does help. But if you dont get into a college at all, then there are many other avenues open to you from Zoho to starting something on your own to logging onto oDesk.com and start working on small projects.
Yes I'm from India :) but now live in New York city.
How to control negative thoughts:
1. Do something about your situation instead of thinking about your situation. This will take time to learn. In India we learn to analyze, read and think about stuff. But in reality that takes a back seat to actually "doing". Doing is much more important than reading.
When you find yourself thinking about your problems instead of doing something to make it better then you need to mentally force yourself out of it and start doing something. Anything that takes you even an inch towards your goal.
Learn C, C++. Contribute to open source software (really good way to get a great job later on). Get your body into shape (www.stronglifts.com - checkout the forums for other indians). Sign up to teach someone english in your city.
2. You need to help someone else at least once a day. Something unselfish. It can be leading a blind person across a street or calling up a relative you havent talked to in a while and saying hi. Something that will take 10 minutes but will really help someone else's condition. This will also force you to focus on others which will get rid of a lot of negativity.
If you do both of the above then you'll start changing. Change takes 2 years so dont think it will happen overnight. However if you dont start changing today, you'll never change.
Best of luck man. Drop me an email at railsnoob at yahoo dot com, if you have more questions.
If you live in the US then you can go to college at any time. With a highschool diploma or GED, you can walk into any community college, fill out the application form, and you're immediately accepted for the next quarter. Take 2 years of the right classes and you can transfer to your state university.
Once you're 25 years old, the government no longer expects your parents to contribute to your education, so you will become eligible for a lot more financial aid. I got $12k of free money in my last year because of this.
I think you should go to college and get some work experience before trying to make a startup. I tried developing my own fax server product when I was 20. The product worked, but I made some poor business decisions and gave up. Then I went to community college, transferred to university, studied abroad, graduated, got a software engineering job in Amazon Web Services, learned and saved money for a few years, and then left to start my business. Now I am in a much better position to build a product and company. You can be in my position in 6-7 years.
The problem is that I don't live in the US. I live in India and the educational system over here is screwed up, despite what the PR guys would have you to believe.
>>>I think you should go to college and get some work experience before trying to make a startup. I tried developing my own fax server product when I was 20. The product worked, but I made some poor business decisions and gave up. Then I went to community college, transferred to university, studied abroad, graduated, got a software engineering job in Amazon Web Services, learned and saved money for a few years, and then left to start my business. Now I am in a much better position to build a product and company. You can be in my position in 6-7 years.<<<
That's true, but there is a time loop-hole over here that I want to exploit. I have an idea that is extremely time dependent in the sense it is the low hanging fruit, and the second someone else with more resources figures that small bit out. Then it'll be the second when the going gets rough.
I don't want money. Of course, I want to be rich enough to enjoy a few luxuries of life, but I don't want the money. I think that money inevitably corrupts us by distorting our perspective, and we end up chasing it. Instead, I want to make something beautiful and that startup idea is the most beautiful thing I can think of. So, I'll kick myself for the rest of my life if I don't make it. It's really not a choice for me in some ways. I HAVE to design things. I HAVE to make things. It's just the way I am.
Of course, if push comes to shove I will fight till the end for my idea, but I will abandon it if it screws other things up. I've realized that there are limits to obsession in this world beyond which your drive turns into brakes.
Some things that might be helpful to you, in no particular order:
-Look at David Allen's book "Getting Things Done" for getting organized and putting a loose general system that lets you feel un-overwhelmed. Very important if you've got lots of random to-do's that are overwhelming
-Look at Josh Waitzkin's book "The Art of Learning" - start to understand deterministic and incremental learning. Incremental learning sees success and failure as a result of gradually putting in training, deterministic learning sees things as a result of how good/bad you are. Incremental learning is empowering, deterministic is disempowering.
-Have a listen to Tony Robbins' "Get the Edge" audio program - it was recommended to me here on Hacker News, and I was never into that sort of thing, but it's really good. He'll give you ideas on how to start an exercise program, start setting goals, etc. You should start walking at least 15 minutes a day.
-If you don't have an iPod or other mp3 player now, beg, borrow, scrap, and scrape to afford a very cheap used model. Get some inspiring podcasts or audio books. Listen to them while doing errands or exercise that's boring. I hate doing mindless stuff, but it's a lot easier to get into a very good flow about cleaning, exercising for long periods of time, or running errands when you have interesting things to listen to.
-I also like Brian Tracy's "The Luck Factor" on audio, it describes all the attitudes and mindsets that produce generally positive outcomes, what most people call luck.
Normally I'd never advocate this as I believe in supporting content creators, but if you have literally no money and are on the verge of losing your mind, maybe go get a bittorrent client and download all this stuff. I think the creators will understand in this instance. Buy it later if you want to support their efforts, which you should with how much it can help you. Don't do this if it's illegal in your country or it seems wrong to you.
Good luck. The answer is to take small steps and celebrate the wins. Every minute you spend in nature, doing light walking, reading and learning the skills you need to dig out, progressing, and building yourself up is a win. Celebrate every time you have the meal you want to eat, wake up on the sleep schedule you want to be sleeping on, go for a walk, go to the library, make a phone call to someone, or so on. I've been to the depths of hell a couple times, you always come out of it much stronger. But the only way out is small steps of fundamentals and celebrating the wins. Don't get yourself down for not being perfect, celebrate every time you eat well, exercise lightly, handle your errands/priorities, stay focused on what you want, learn something, and otherwise take good action. That's the way out.
Finally, think about taking some martial arts. If you really have no money, tell the martial arts studio that you're very serious about training, have no money, but you'll clean the studio and run errands for them if you can get an occasional lesson at a mostly empty class. Tell them you're willing to do whatever it takes to contribute to the studio until you can afford your dues. Martial arts is good on lots of levels. Normally I'd recommend a scientific, military-based martial art to most people (like Krav Maga), but you actually might get more mileage out of Tai Chi, Kung Fu, or something with a spiritual/philosophical element to it.
Good luck. You'll get out. When in doubt, keep moving forwards. You'll be stronger than the vast majority of people once you come out of this, because you'll know you were at the bottom and survived. Nothing will be so scary after this. Prosperity! Claim it. Small steps. Be creative, celebrate the small wins, and you'll be back as fast as possible, and then ready to thrive even further.
The funny thing is that in bits and pieces I had figured out most of the things you wrote, but I never connected them in this way. I also never had it in me to try them through, but now I am at least learning from my mistakes and we'll see how that turns out. I've realized that there aren't too many secrets to a beautiful life; it's just choosing the path that's too damn hard. Again and again until it becomes a habit. Start; Fail; Iterate.
You know what scares me the most?
That I might not be smart enough/hard-working enough to actually make it work.
You know what keeps me awake at night?
I actually know that in all probability I don't have a future. Unlike, almost all of my peers I really can't have a linear life, and that is shit scary.
It's amazing what can happen once you start developing a positive feedback cycle. If you expect a lot from yourself, it's easy to be disappointed if every day doesn't produce rock-star results. So start small, with achievable things, and build more each day.
I started listening to Tony Robbins when I was 15 -- he kicked my ass in gear when I didn't have a dad to do it, and wasn't yet at the point of self-generating motivation.
When I was 17, I started working for him at his live events, and saw tens of thousands of people begin a turnaround. It's really great stuff. When people really couldn't afford the $800 product packages I'd be selling, I'd tell them to torrent it.
> I've realized that there aren't too many secrets to a beautiful life; it's just choosing the path that's too damn hard.
Okay, if you look at "the path", it's going to be tough. 90% of the time you want to be looking at one of two things. Either:
1. What you want as your end outcome, or,
2. What the next step is
That's it. Thinking "Oh man I'm going to have to go exercise for six months to get my weight and energy where I want..." - too much, that's too much for anyone. So think instead: What's my end goal? I want to be fit, long lived, with lots of energy. Okay. What's the next step? Go out for a 15 minute walk while listening to something pleasant. Then celebrate that.
Don't focus on "the path" - the stuff that needs to be done. It's too much. Focus on what you want, and then ask what's the next action? It's taking a 15 minute walk. You can take a 15 minute walk. No problem.
> You know what scares me the most? That I might not be smart enough/hard-working enough to actually make it work.
Yeah, that's classical deterministic thinking right there. The ability to "actually make it work" doesn't come from being "smart enough/hard-working enough" - making it work isn't an inborn inability, it comes from regular, incremental training. Definitely check out Waitzkin's Art of Learning. It'll do wonders for you. It's a light, easy, pleasant read too.
> I actually know that in all probability I don't have a future. Unlike, almost all of my peers I really can't have a linear life, and that is shit scary.
Do your best to catch yourself saying stuff like that, and then cut down on how much you say it. There's nothing magical about having a functional life. You figure out what you want in the long term (this takes some thinking on, and it's time well spent - it's actually pretty enjoyable to think about). Then you ask, "What's the next action?" 15 minute walk, go to the grocery store and buy oatmeal/tuna/rice/fruit, clean all your clothes and throw out the junk in your room, just reduce your email inbox a little bit from 700 down to 600 by deleting a few useless things (recently I got my inbox from 700 emails down to 3 emails over the course of two weeks, just one step at a time on it...). It's always, "What's the end goal? Okay. What's the next small step?"
There's no probability here, you're not rolling dice. If you think about what you want and take gradual steps to get there, you're almost certain to get there. If you introduce good foods to your diet while gradually quitting bad foods, your energy levels will improve. That's almost a certainty. That's how life works. You can do it. Celebrate the small wins, a successful life is a series of stringing small wins together, which eventually compound into bigger wins. In the end, it's not rocket surgery, and should be possible to anyone. You can do it.
>>>Don't focus on "the path" - the stuff that needs to be done. It's too much. Focus on what you want, and then ask what's the next action? It's taking a 15 minute walk. You can take a 15 minute walk. No problem.<<<
That's my problem right there.
Seriously, I hadn't been able to figure this bit of it out, and I've never thought of it that way. As I have been taught to believe that those who are afraid of the big picture are weak in some way.
Thank you.
I really can't tell you how I feel right now. It's as if someone has told shown me the hint of a new beginning.
I was about to say, I just hope I remember this, but now I realize that I can remember it by writing it down and reminding myself of the possibilities that exist whenever I am down. I don't have to worry about the end. It's too far away. I don't have to worry for today, because it is now and if I hinder it shall be the past. I have a bad past, but I can forget it by one little step at a time.
You are right.It's all about one step at a time.
>>>Yeah, that's classical deterministic thinking right there. The ability to "actually make it work" doesn't come from being "smart enough/hard-working enough" - making it work isn't an inborn inability, it comes from regular, incremental training. Definitely check out Waitzkin's Art of Learning. It'll do wonders for you. It's a light, easy, pleasant read too.<<<
A lot of it derives from the fact that since I was a kid I was told that I was "gifted", and all that crap. After a few events in my life that spiraled me down into that suffocating abyss that exists in our minds. I started flunking stuff. I flunked maths and other exams, and somehow I became convinced that I couldn't figure out a way out of my problems, because I wasn't smart enough to do so. So it became this cycle of self hatred that ate me away.
By the way, I'll read it when I'll be able to buy it/find it. I couldn't find it on any of the torrent networks. So, in a day or two I'll go to one of those British Council Libraries and stage a systematic invasion.
Thank you for everything.
Oh and can I bug you through email every now and then?
That sucks. Do you sleep well? If no the obvious advice applies, walk outside every morning, install flux or avoid bright screens at night etc. etc.
For your year off have you considered doing something like volunteer work somewhere? 1. you'll be useful to someone 2. it will be cheap 3. your friends and the college admissions people won't think you're wasting your time (nor should they, you or anyone) 4. you will be able to live without stress from various obligations and social pressures (assuming this is a factor) 5. It's easy you could have it arranged in no time and just be off.
And medicines supposedly work as well, if you haven't you should probably talk to a psychiatrist.
>>>That sucks. Do you sleep well? If no the obvious advice applies, walk outside every morning, install flux or avoid bright screens at night etc. etc.<<<
I try that every day, but every night it gets screwed up again. It is hard for me to sleep at night and harder to wake up. What happens in the end is that I end up sleeping 12-16 hours a day.
>>>For your year off have you considered doing something like volunteer work somewhere? 1. you'll be useful to someone 2. it will be cheap 3. your friends and the college admissions people won't think you're wasting your time (nor should they, you or anyone) 4. you will be able to live without stress from various obligations and social pressures (assuming this is a factor) 5. It's easy you could have it arranged in no time and just be off.<<<
I want to volunteer for things like Make A Wish Foundation, but my hands are full. I have to correct the fact that I am so volatile and I have to learn a lot of things. At the same time I will be honest to the college admissions people about how I've spent my time, and I'll show them the most important thing to me; my creations.
My parents will in fact pressure me not to do social work. They instead want me to "compete" and "beat" the rest of the herd to secure "selection" into an IIT (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indian_Institutes_of_Technology). The only problem is that I am not interested in a rat race. I want to do more with my life than play a stupid game based upon a 6 hour paper.
>>>And medicines supposedly work as well, if you haven't you should probably talk to a psychiatrist.<<<
I don't have access to a psychiatrist anymore due to various social factors. Since, I can't pay for one and I am not living on my own I have to tow the line in silence. I think that it's important for me to pick my battles wisely, and there is no use to fight over this.
Ah, I assumed the college was Ivy League or Oxford/Cambridge. I want to get seriously off topic here with questions about cramming for the JEE. If you'll indulge me there is a mail in my profile.
I'm really hoping this happens for me. Not the bad part, of course; I'm hoping I've seen the worst of that. My startup is about to launch its flagship product on Tuesday after a year and a half of work, but we (myself and one of my cofounders that I live with) are currently packing up to go live with our respective parents, as the money's simply gone. It's been the most stressful 6 months of my life, as we've seen the slide into foreclosure and haven't been able to do anything about it, and it's all happening at the most important point of our company's life. I'm looking for the uptick from this, and I'll do what it takes to make it happen.
Thanks very much -- honestly, if it wasn't for the support of the startup community (even though I'm not one of the cool kids doing web apps ;) ), there's no way in hell I could've made it through thus far. This has been one of the most incredible and incredibly stressful and trying experiences of my life, but it's all worth it, even if it doesn't pan out. If nothing else, I won't look back and wonder "what if".
We've been doing everything possible to not give up any of the company. We won't let it kill us, but we're going to try and get it off the ground without taking any investment if at all possible. We're starting to bring in money now, and we've got a lot of interested people, but the timing is just horrid.
Kudos for hanging in there that long and keeping it all, it's a principled way of doing things but in the long run it is the better strategy if you are sitting on a sure bet.
Here is bad: Auschwitz, Treblinka, Buchenwald. Some survived. Never underestimate your ability to bounce back. When you can't summon strength, summon spite.
Shit happens, and good stuff, too; you just have to deal with whatever comes. One disagreement though - never, ever say, or even think, "Things can't get worse". There is always something worse that can happen.
I also lost a wife, a job and the house in one year. You kinda define yourself as where you work, who you're married with and where you're living. Beeing forced to change everything in one year is... interesting.
I think such a "general" posts should be considered an off topic here. Two reasons. Well-reading people, which I assume a majority here, might find that kind of postings on the top page a little bit annoying. Second - there are a lot of such stories in each other's life. It is not a reason to expose them on the HN.
Well I found it interesting. One of the scary things about trying to do something great is the fear that you'll fail and everything will go to hell. So it's quite nice to read someone who's had a terrible year say that they got through it okay.
Also, describing it as "stupidity" seems a bit harsh. Everyone will make mistakes from time to time. I'd say Derek is a lot less stupid than the kind of person who didn't do anything and hence didn't have a company, savings or wife to lose.
Must be pretty specific - I run chrome on windows and it seemed fine (though I have no idea what it is supposed to look like, but there isn't anything wrong with it that I could see).
My ex made up phony charges to the police so she could keep more of my money (which the crown had to drop).
After work found out they threatened to fire me to negotiate themselves a better position.
Lost most of what I had to lawyers fees, lost the rest of it to the market.
What I did in response:
Lost 60 pounds
Met a great, funny, vibrant, intelligent, much thinner and younger woman
Told them I quit and ended up negotiating a better position
Blew what little I had left on a trip to Burning Man, met some great friends and gained a lot of perspective.
Grew my side biz into the point where it might survive the next 6 month, and lined up financing.
The future:
Quit my job last month
Taking the side biz full time
Life is indeed better on the other side. The funny thing about life is that to have the freedom to do anything you need to first lose everything. Courts, jails, and lawyers may be able to take your money, but they can't take your friends. Likewise they can confine your body, but they can't confine your mind. Going through all that gave me incredible perspective. I've always been a very caring and charitable person and it paid off in spades going through that whole ordeal. I never realized what an incredible social network I had developed through my character until I had to call on it. I left the ex with literally the shirt on my back and within a week had a fully furnished, albiet modestly, apartment and more importantly friends to fill it with cheer and laughter (to be honest a few tears as well, but mostly laughter and cheer).