> If you're a true introvert, your biggest enemy is yourself. It's your desire to be alone. It's your preference for living by yourself, for quiet moments away from others, for nights spent at home, watching Netflix or playing games. Making friends means making an effort to hang out with them, even when it doesn't seem like the most immediately pleasurable, comfortable, or convenient thing to do at any given moment.
I am highly introverted. This is surprisingly and confusing to even the closest of my friends because I have learnt the art of being incredibly outgoing and a veritable chatterbox when need be. However, it is exhausting as fuck. So I balance it out. I go all out, make plans do things with people. But I make sure I have me time where I shut down and do things on my own. It is always a balance though. Because it is very easy for me to focus on me time and do my own thing. And forget about the fact that friendships have to be taken care.
I'm not a true introvert, but I am shy (particuarly when encountering new people) and do need social down-time to recharge.
I typically don't go out of my way to plan social events. But, when invitations are offered, I almost always accept them. I avoid large bars and clubs, but enjoy going out for a meal or drink with friends at smaller locations where we can sit and socialize.
Also, my main hobby is competitive cycling. It works well for the type of interactions I prefer. Training rides can be anything from solo rides in the country to large groups in the city. And when riding in a group, it's perfectly acceptable to ride along in silence. It's almost a perfect sport for introverts. That said, there is a high level of jargon and definitely cliques, so it can be difficult for shy people to get started.
Even extroverts need downtime to recharge. I've noticed this a lot in my own life. I'm very extroverted and feel a driving need to charm everyone I meet. My wife is very introverted and hates/fears interacting with new people. So we go to parties, and we can get equally worn out.
Too much interaction is actually quite hard on extroverts. It's like too much exercise, or overeating, or overworking. It can lead to burnout.
Like the OP, I find myself often wondering how people met, how they clicked, how they keep it going. With you describing your wife as very introverted, fearing interaction with new people (I could describe myself the same way) and describing yourself as an extrovert, how did you two meet, click, make it work? I find that with me being like your wife in that regard, I've had an extremely difficult time even meeting someone, much less progressing into a relationship.
Well, we've been together for 25 years now, married for 21. We met through a mutual friend (he was dating her at the time - we're both still friends with him, and see him somewhat regularly socially). It's just worked, over these long years of struggle, in part because we balance each other.
Her social life revolves around a very short list of very close friends. The people she loves, she loves, and she's incredibly devoted to them. But she's also distrustful and fearful of others. She's prone to resentment, especially of the careless and irresponsible type of extrovert who gets away with being a flake because they're charming. Her way of dealing with her fear of other people is by being prickly, which makes it hard for people to get to make the effort to get to know her and get past her defenses. So poor social choices she makes due to introversion end up making the problem worse. But some people do make the effort, because she's incredibly intelligent, talented, and beautiful. The work is hard, but the reward is great.
So how we started... well, we met and started dating. Apparently, I was attractive enough to get her past her fears to really reach out. After our first date, she went home and broke up with the boy she didn't tell me about! Then she sought me out at work two days later - this was the pre-internet days when you actually had to go see people in person. On our second date, I was struggling that day with some private family difficulties, and found I could just open up to her about something I'd normally keep to myself. It was also a point in my life where I was getting tired of my ladykiller lifestyle (and I am good at that), and was ready to settle down. We fell in love very quickly, and were engaged in just a few months.
I bring a very different personality to our mix. I find just about everyone I meet interesting in some way or another. I'm very open about my life, except for a small zone of privacy that is very strict. If someone disappoints me, I just ignore them and move on to the next interesting person, rather than stewing in anger and hurt feelings. Because she lets so few people in, the stakes are higher for her. For me, with more friends than I can really manage, the stakes of any one person are lower. And it's not just people, it's life in general. Little setbacks don't get me down. I enjoy risk and unpredictability. She likes stability.
For 20 years, I worked in the enterprise corporate world, a very safe career path that keeps me easily employed and well-paid, because it makes her feel safe and happy. But it makes me feel stifled and frustrated. Now, it's time to swap. I'm leaving it all behind for my own startup (this is actually my last week of dayjobbing), and she's terrified, but going along with it for my sake.
Being able to give enough to let the other have what they need, if not always what they want - that's how to make the introvert/extrovert relationship work.
Interestingly, it works in other ways as well. She often brings me to social events to run interference for her. I can "hold court" (her term) anywhere I go, charming people and bringing them into my orbit. She can stay with me if she feels she needs cover, or wander off if she finds something to do or someone to be with, knowing that I won't be bored.
> She often brings me to social events to run interference
> for her.
As a married guy in a totally different sort of introvert/extrovert mix, this was wonderful to read! I love the "we're a mismatch, and that's why it's fun" attitude.
My wife and I are an odd mix because I'm simultaneously the "charmer" and the introvert who needs a lot of time alone. She's the extrovert, but also has trouble reading people, so people either love her or are unintentionally "rubbed the wrong way" by her immediately.
So in our social interactions we often wind up with the introvert (me) "running interference" or more often smoothing things over for the extrovert... haha.
It works, though, and it's fun. She's amazing and without her I'd probably be a hermit with a squirrel living in my beard.
It does help; thank you for the peek behind the curtain. I've always avoided outgoing, extroverted women because I thought that the intro/extro combination could never possibly work. I'm not about to jump up in front of such a woman today and announce my presence, but I do like it when my understandings are corrected and my world is opened.
And a hearty congratulations on passing the 20-year mark! Seriously, in today's climate, I count that as a huge win. With you being an (apparently) attractive extrovert who "holds court" (laughed out loud at that one), your options are very open. Thanks for helping to give us guys a good name by staying loyal and loving to your wife. If she doesn't outright say it to you, she's likely very thankful that you choose her on a daily basis, given the circumstance.
Now, if your wife has a 40-year-old twin sister...
"But some people do make the effort, because she's incredibly intelligent, talented, and beautiful. The work is hard, but the reward is great.
So how we started... well, we met and started dating. Apparently, I was attractive enough to get her past her fears to really reach out."
It's about balance. In my case, my introversion is strong enough that I usually let it have its way. If I find myself doing that too often, I try to be mindful of it and moderate it. It's work, though. Friendships need work. I have a hell of a time explaining this to my more extraverted friends -- many of whom "don't see it," because I'm not particularly shy or reserved in social settings. (Incidentally, I've been called an asshole or a misanthrope on occasion, because people don't "buy" my introversion. They just think I'm avoiding them.)
> I have a hell of a time explaining this to my more extraverted
> friends -- many of whom "don't see it," because I'm not
> particularly shy or reserved in social settings. [...]
> because people don't "buy" my introversion. They just think
> I'm avoiding them.)
God, yes. Huge sad ongoing thing in my life. This is a constant thing I do. I'm not awkward, so I make these friendships, and then I unintentionally hurt people with my introverted tendencies.
Introverts frequently have some good tools at their disposal to 'fake' being an extrovert - mostly observation and empathy.
Being extroverted is really just putting the effort in to talk to people, and make them feel good about themselves. This builds rapport, and makes people want to talk to you more.
The best advice I can give is to look at how more naturally outgoing people communicate, and then emulate it. Ask lots of questions to get people talking about themselves. Make lots of eye-contact to encourage people and convince them that you care about what they're saying. Reply showing you're listening. Share random stuff about yourself in breaks of conversation (doesn't matter what it is really, anything personal you share also builds rapport).
You don't have to be the star of the party, but being an engaging convserationalist will help you to make excellent connections with people. The more you talk to people, the more you'll learn. If you share the things you learn with similar people, they'll get the impression that you're a social hub, and want to share more with you (because you have more to share with them). It snowballs pretty quickly.
This coming from an out-and-out introvert who has learned when to flip the switch. I was on a 10-day business trip with ~20 people recently, and towards the end confided to one of my new friends that the whole thing, while excellent, was pretty taxing on me due to my introversion. He was so shocked, he looked like I'd slapped him! Pretty funny :D
Edit: This probably goes without saying, but if you do the above, make sure you factor in downtime. Introverts playing extroverts is a very tiring game, you will probably need a day or two every now and then with next-to no interaction to recover.
There is no easy answer to this; it all depends on playing the cards that you have got and trying to mitigate the things that make you not outgoing.
A lot of things make for being outgoing. In my case, I realized very early on that people hate making plans and organizing shit. I on the other hand, can suck it up and do it. This plays in my favor in that I get to meet a lot of people (friends bring friends) within my comfort zone. Also, host parties.
On the talking thing, for me, I used to overthink conversations. I still do on occasion. However, one thing that helped a lot was improv. When you realize the power of random statements that build on top of each other and create something amazing, you chill the fuck out and realize that the first thing you say doesn't matter that much. And also build a tough skin; because for every person who was OK with you as a quiet mouse, there will be someone else who absolutely detests you now that you have an opinion. Fuck em. Your job in life is to figure out the amazing beautiful people who you can have an amazing connection with.
> A lot of things make for being outgoing. In my case, I realized very early on that people hate making plans and organizing shit. I on the other hand, can suck it up and do it. This plays in my favor in that I get to meet a lot of people (friends bring friends) within my comfort zone. Also, host parties.
I am about as introverted as they come. However, with practice, I normally find I can become pretty good at things, so I've been working the last two years on being more outgoing and social.
My problem is that people flake all the time nowadays. I don't mind planning events and inviting people, but they all flake at the last second and it's really quite annoying. At first, I thought maybe it was me, but then I realized everyone does it to everyone else. I don't dread social the interactions; I dread the inevitable flaking that everyone's going to do at the last second.
So... my strategy recently is just ditching friends that flake and finding new ones. I'm not sure if this is the best idea though because I'm going through a lot of them quickly.
Instead of "ditching friends", my approach to flakey people has been to mass invite people. I've ended up with a core of about 4-5 very reliable folks for any type of event I'd invite them to, and the rest can go or be louts and stay at home if they want (ok, only a few folks do this, the rest just overbook their time).
EDIT: A note: There are a couple folks that I've effectively ditched. I no longer take their schedules into consideration because they were such a PITA. Folks: If people invite you to things every week because you tell them you want to be invited, and you never show, don't feel hurt when they stop considering your schedule. Pouty friends are annoying friends. Annoying friends cease to be friends.
Like any skill, I'd suggest this requires practice. One way I found as an introvert was to join Toastmasters. I don't have a big fear of public speaking—I can do it if I have to, but being in practice makes a huge difference. I've seen incredible improvement in people after 3 or 4 speeches.
Most clubs will have a social aspect and might gather for drinks afterwards. It makes a good way to practice smalltalk and keep in touch on a regular basis. There's usually a mix of people... some will be struggling with shyness and fear of speaking, others may be naturals and make good people to study for technique.
I've fallen out of regular attendance lately, but I'd highly recommend Toastmasters.
I've achieved the same "feat" of being able to chat seemingly about nothing while being an introvert. What it took was introspection and a lucky read. I detail the mental refactoring I went through here: http://refactoredthinking.com/2012/10/14/how-i-cured-my-shyn...
Not sure how well it can be learned. It's not about an inability, but an aversion or preference not to. When it is important enough and risk and reward are worth it, you will find a way. As eshvk said above, It is exhausting. It just needs to be the right situation.
I did a quick search and nobody mentioned pickup, but I seriously recommend it.
I had the same problem with introversion. And people are often surprised because I seem very outgoing. I followed a very clear path to get to where I am and it's outlined below. There are some very simple things you can do right now to make progress. I felt like I had to change my entire wardrobe, personality, and gain muscle. None of this was necessary and just lowered my self esteem.
First, find a pickup group. Just google around or contact me. Then go out with that group and try the following things in order. Do each one several times. If one of them is too easy then just skip it. I had to start at the very bottom. It was that bad for me, but pickup helped me be social and outgoing naturally, so it's not just about women.
1. Go to a supermarket or a mall and just ask questions from a female cashier. Say you're getting a gift for a female friend. Say you don't like her, but she likes you. This is super fun.
2. Go up to 10 random people in a supermarket or wherever and give them a compliment on something. I felt really good after doing this. It taught me that communication that isn't technically productive can bring people a lot of joy.
3. Get used to approaching women -- any women at all. Go into a mall or any place with lots of people and approach the first 3 women you see. They don't have to be pretty; you don't have to like them. They can be old or young. It's important that you do not discriminate. It helps build a reflex to approach women, and prevents you from having to decide who to approach and who to avoid. This one thing has helped me more than I can tell you.
4. Once you're somewhat comfortable approaching women, then just see how long you can stay in the conversation.
5. Then near the middle of each conversation ask for the woman's phone number.
6. Then get used to asking women to go on a date with you, even if you're not interested.
All of the above is practice and necessary. Then when you meet a girl you really like while going out then you will know what to do. I glossed over a lot of details, but I'm sure you can do this.
Your pickup group can become your first group of friends. It's a little weird at first, but many of them are still my friends. You can tell them things that are too intimate to discuss with even a girlfriend. My group helped me a lot. And you need that positivity because hitting on girls is hard. You'll get rejected a lot. But that negative feedback will tell you exactly what you need to improve.
Women's minds are hardwired to be attracted to men who are socially intelligent. By practicing pickup you will naturally become socially intelligent. This social intelligence has helped me get more friends, land more interviews, negotiate, and even helped me get into events for free.
Pickup is not for the faint of heart, but I'd still be lost without it. I say it's worth a shot.
I am highly introverted. This is surprisingly and confusing to even the closest of my friends because I have learnt the art of being incredibly outgoing and a veritable chatterbox when need be. However, it is exhausting as fuck. So I balance it out. I go all out, make plans do things with people. But I make sure I have me time where I shut down and do things on my own. It is always a balance though. Because it is very easy for me to focus on me time and do my own thing. And forget about the fact that friendships have to be taken care.