This resonates deeply with me right now because I’m very acutely aware of how different my communication style is and when/where it’s holding me back (socially and in my career.) I have a lot of frustration that other people seem to have such rigid expectations for how they need to be communicated with; at the same time I know I’m the outlier. Trying to “fix” this also just makes it worse.
Something I’ve recently come to realize is that certain, uh, substances make this problem literally evaporate away for me. For a few hours I can connect with people in a way that feels natural and expected and that they will notice and call out as different. It’s led me to think of my “communication differences” more like layers that can be peeled away than something that is completely ingrained in me.
>I have a lot of frustration that other people seem to have such rigid expectations for how they need to be communicated with
But are those expectations a 'hard-wired communication style' as the article claims, or are they just a result of adherence to societal norms? I definitely communicate more using obscure references and inside jokes with my close friends than my co-workers and it doesn't exactly strike me as neurodivergent.
There's also a hidden language where people send out "this is how you should be communicating with me" signals. Most non-autistic people have access to more than one communication modality ("concluders" and "weavers" being just two options), and can follow this language and choose their communication modality implicitly. (Unfortunately we can't talk about "neurotypical" vs "neurodivergent" in this discussion, because autism is not the only neurodivergence, but it is the one that has the most troubles here.) A decent fraction of communication breakdowns are actually breakdowns in this silent negotiation, which is kind of interesting.
Unfortunately the article author is demonstrating another common fallacy, overgeneralizing their experiences. While the two styles identified are useful things to talk about, these are not the only two styles and the whole situation really is not so rigid. (I find it ironic that someone who disclaims the "concluder" style can go straight to a conclusion and dig in on it, but in my experience with neurodivergence in my family, that seems to be something of a hallmark.)
> A decent fraction of communication breakdowns are actually breakdowns in this silent negotiation, which is kind of interesting.
Yeah, this is a subtle and important point. I’ve heard this skill referred to as “attunement”. Like, you have your antenna up and listen for all the subtext that sits underneath someone’s expression. And listen for the quiet “asks” that would clearly make the person feel comfortable. “She feels anxious and low status.”. “He seems to want to talk about problems and solutions, not feelings”. People make bids like this constantly. Essentially, they’re saying “please respond to me in a complimentary way”. If you ignore or reject the bids people make in conversation, they will subconsciously feel ignored, rejected or dismissed. If you respond appropriately, people feel like you care about them. (Give the anxious person a place to sit down and offer them a cup of tea. Join the problem solver in problem solver mode. Etc.)
I think a lot of people on the spectrum struggle with this. But I also know some autistic people who are way better than neurotypicals at this stuff because they’ve learned how it works consciously, and then studied and practiced. The high sensitivity that often goes with autism can make these bids much easier to notice once you know what to look for.
It's definitely moderated in my later years, but I found I was an insufferable person until I started smoking cannabis in my 20s. I had one super nerdy friend and most people did not like me at all.
Doing drugs opened my eyes to how much my general anxiety and frustration with other people had made me intolerable.
After I started smoking regularly I became more personable to the degree that my career took off, I started having adult relationships, and my peer group grew enormously.
I don't really recommend it as a lifestyle but I think its good for everyone to unpeel the onion once in awhile.
> general anxiety and frustration with other people
This is, I think, a critical point; I don't know if it's autism specific or general anxiety, but some people really remember any time they made a mistake, and will try and navigate around it - to the point of obnoxiousness.
Recent example, I was in a meeting, someone asked a question, I was the person to answer the question. However, they didn't stop after asking the question - they started to elaborate, with like "what if x" or "could it be y" etcetera. On the one side it felt like they were talking to themselves. But now I wonder if they were just anxious, because they once upon a time asked a question and were misinterpreted or ignored entirely.
Another thing I notice is that a lot of people will keep talking until they are interrupted. To the point where they start to reiterate their point, propose answers to the question they just asked, etc. I'm not sure where that's from, possibly exactly from being interrupted so often that it's become expected.
Something I’ve recently come to realize is that certain, uh, substances make this problem literally evaporate away for me. For a few hours I can connect with people in a way that feels natural and expected and that they will notice and call out as different. It’s led me to think of my “communication differences” more like layers that can be peeled away than something that is completely ingrained in me.