Ask HN: How to Deal with Disagreements?

[parataparata]

I am wondering what resources are there to learn how to deal with disagreements. At work, I have too many people disagreeing with what I am saying. My team or org. in general argue endlessly without reaching the conclusion. I usually step in, sometimes to avoid disagreements, but people treat that as either authoritative or agree with grunts.

Any suggestions and material to learn from?

[MattGaiser]

1. Most disagreements have no real impact on my life. So I often give up and am satisfied getting to think "I told you so" if it goes wrong or I learn something new if I was wrong. For the overwhelming majority of cases, I find it not worth to press 90% of disagreements.

2. Radical Candor is the book I learned the most from for the remaining 10%.

[quickthrower2 → MattGaiser]

A software debate heuristic I use is “is it easy to change later”. If it is, then most likely it ain’t worth arguing about too much. Argue about the things that relate to strategy.

[Graffur → MattGaiser]

I agree with #1. If I won't really by impacted then I'm not going to bother arguing that much.

[runawaybottle]

It sounds like your org has tolerance for expression. Understand it is just people expressing themselves (surprise, people like to express themselves). Understand that it’s possible it is the only form of intellectual expression they have in their life (or possibly ever had). It isn’t necessarily people trying to ‘get their way’.

You can test this hypothesis by bringing up a mild controversial topic that won’t get anyone fired. State your opinion, and if you see the same pattern of everyone chiming in, voila, you now know it’s just a bunch of people that like talking to each other.

There are worse problems in life believe it or not.

[PaulHoule]

You are expressing your discontent so you "own the problem".

This doesn't necessarily mean you do most of the work, but it does mean you decide when it is solved.

Decide what your values are, what you can accept and not accept. Be wary of things you can accept "this once" that will drive you up the wall if they happen repeatedly.

You should be able to tell people in this situation how you think this behavior affects you and the organization.

If you get a bad outcome in a situation repeatedly, prepare ahead of time!

In some situations I get flustered, inarticulate, and exhausted. If am not exhausted and flustered I can be articulate, so planning is a big help to me.

[p0d]

I don't have materials to suggest but I have observed this over the years. Individuals who believe they are bearers of the truth and their take on a problem/approach is the only logical conclusion. "This is the way", in Mandolorian parlance :-)

This works if you are the person in charge, the decision maker. If not it can be very frustrating for that individual. Is this you or as some others have suggested you are just among others who like to disagree?

[softwaredoug]

Isn’t it someone’s job to arrive at the decision?

If that’s true spirited disagreement is healthy. And part of life is any decision will not satisfy all parties. Even if someone shuts up, they’ll quietly grumble. It can be uncomfortable, and depends A TON on cultural context, but IMO i find conflict productive (so long as people aren’t mean).

If it’s NOT someone’s job to make a decision, well then disagreement is not the problem, it’s more an org design issue on who’s accountable..

[dave_sid]

Some people just like to disagree.