> We might accept, on an intellectual level, that by focusing on our ex’s faults we’re doing something important but it can still feel wrong (unpleasant), unbalanced, unfair, and even disloyal.
Of course it "can" feel unbalanced because it is.
The author's suggestion that recognizing in a heartbreak state we already have an imbalanced focus kindof mitigates the problem... but I can't help suspect there's more to it. People who are in a relationship and don't choose to end it usually are there because they understand at some level the tradeoffs between the imperfection of the relationship (or any relationship) and the great parts of it, and it's a net positive. So, unless you were thinking of ending it yourself, when it ends, it's a net loss, and trying to talk yourself out of that is, fundamentally, a trick.
If you've practiced trying to be internally honest when it comes to relationships, part of your brain is going to know you're playing sour grapes and that seems likely to undermine the effort.
And if you haven't trained yourself to watch for when/how focusing on someone else's faults is something you might not do honestly, good luck with conflict in a relationship. :/
> ... part of your brain is going to know you're playing sour grapes and that seems likely to undermine the effort.
It totally doesn't. I've been there. Even though you conciously know that negativity toward your ex is somewhat fake it still helps you fix your brain.
Romantic love is nothing else than addction to a person. You don't expect as a recovering addict to stay "on speaking terms" with cocaine nor remembering it fondly will help you to recover better because that's the honest way and keeps your integrity.
You should remember as much bad as possible and see bad in things you thought were good. Also you should talk about your tragic falling out, with anonymous strangers, eventually you'll get bored with your own story and move on.
Of course it "can" feel unbalanced because it is.
The author's suggestion that recognizing in a heartbreak state we already have an imbalanced focus kindof mitigates the problem... but I can't help suspect there's more to it. People who are in a relationship and don't choose to end it usually are there because they understand at some level the tradeoffs between the imperfection of the relationship (or any relationship) and the great parts of it, and it's a net positive. So, unless you were thinking of ending it yourself, when it ends, it's a net loss, and trying to talk yourself out of that is, fundamentally, a trick.
If you've practiced trying to be internally honest when it comes to relationships, part of your brain is going to know you're playing sour grapes and that seems likely to undermine the effort.
And if you haven't trained yourself to watch for when/how focusing on someone else's faults is something you might not do honestly, good luck with conflict in a relationship. :/