I grew up in the care of parents that decided to stay together for the children.
I can't really complain--they both love me--I grew up in a safe middle class environment, one of them always read with me at night when I was young, I never worried about being hungry, got toys on x-mas, etc. They certainly never abused me.
But to this day I struggle with relationships. I have a hard time connecting with people, even in a non-romantic context.
Man, I realize I don't know anyone who's going to read this, but it feels real good to confess it to someone.
EDIT: To be honest, I feel like such an asshole. There are people that have had it way worse than me, and here I am feeling sorry for myself.
Don't feel like an asshole. Life is complicated and turbulent - everyone's. It's easy to forget that when watching TV or browsing Facebook, which beam only idealised portraits and high notes into our minds--the conscious and unconscious parts. It's easy to think everyone has their shit together and you're the only fuckup, but you couldn't be more wrong.
In reality, a lot more parents stayed together for the kids than you realise. Decades of marriage aren't easy to sustain for anyone, no matter what their personalities or notional compatibility. Many more people struggled and struggle with depression, alcoholism or substance abuse than meets the eye. There's a veneer of comme il faut civilisation over it all, but it's very thin.
Actually-existing reality is messy. The world is messy. Don't forget that you only see the curated--in some cases scrupulously curated--presentation layer of almost everyone else's life.
It's almost like going to a Quixtar-Amway IBO motivational conference/Sieg Heil cult rally, or any trade show consisting primarily of account reps, crazed MBA apes and sales bullshitters; it'll seem like everyone's a successful millionaire except you, because that's the whole point of the venture. Nobody would pay expensive registration fees to attend a grim, morose and sober appraisal of the ups and downs of the casino that is their life. In reality, 89% of them are broke.
Nah man don't compare yourself to others or minimize your experience. I grew up in a similar situation. It sucks. Your role models are all messed up. Your normal is not really normal as they say. But now you know a reason why relationships may be difficult for you and now you can actively work on them. You can choose to be different and who you want to be with. It takes a lot of work but it's worth it. It's good that you recognize it for what it was. A lot of people don't get there. Some of us repeat the same patterns.
> But to this day I struggle with relationships. I have a hard time connecting with people, even in a non-romantic context.
Practice with your coworkers. Practice with everyone. Make a joke to the cashier at the checkout counter. Practice just opening up to people, and seeing what is beautiful in them.
I was in a similar situation, and you can get over it with time and practice.
I'm in the same boat! You're not alone. My parents are great and still together and took great care of me but have never really been into each other the way that I guess married people are "supposed to." It's made relationships very vexing.
This describes me as well. I'm 34 and haven't been in a serious relationship yet. (There are a few other reasons for that fact, but I do think the parent thing has something to do with it.)
This is why I think MORE parents should divorce. Of course there's no guarantee you wouldn't still have relationship problems. Maybe your parents new relationships would have had a similar influence or maybe your relationship issues aren't really related.
I have a friend who's stayed married for > 10 years for the kids. His wife hates him, is passive aggressive to him and is always putting him down. It's rubbed off on the kids and he's struggling to teach them the way mommy treats daddy is not the way they should treat people.
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Let me add, I also have a close friend who has great parents who've been madly in love their whole life and yet he massively struggles with relationships.
You mean that the lack of demonstration or overall feeling of love between a couple in your youth impedes you to connect this way ?
I grew up in a 'parental couple' too. Lots of my friends have parents who had troubled relationships to say the least. It does impact you. It also makes me wonder which couple ever had a long tender and motivating feeling staying together. I find culture makes people run in circle for something few understand but it's too late you settled.
>To be honest, I feel like such an asshole. There are people that have had it way worse than me, and here I am feeling sorry for myself.
That thought often cheers me up. My problems are, in the grand scheme of things, insignificant and transitory. Better buck up and better days will come.
It's also a good way to trivialise or dismiss one's very legitimate problems instead of confronting them. That's not to say that you're doing that, just that one should be mindful of the peril.
To expound a little, one should worry about the plank in one's own eye before one worries about the splinter in another's. To me, this means that one's first responsibility is to take care of oneself. If you can't take care of yourself, then you will not have learned what it takes to take care of anyone.
I can't really complain--they both love me--I grew up in a safe middle class environment, one of them always read with me at night when I was young, I never worried about being hungry, got toys on x-mas, etc. They certainly never abused me.
But to this day I struggle with relationships. I have a hard time connecting with people, even in a non-romantic context.
Man, I realize I don't know anyone who's going to read this, but it feels real good to confess it to someone.
EDIT: To be honest, I feel like such an asshole. There are people that have had it way worse than me, and here I am feeling sorry for myself.