Ask HN: Social anxiety and going to a conference alone

[dinosaurs]

I'm going to ReactEurope at the end of the week, alone. Nothing special, except I have been suffering from social anxiety for the better part of my life.

I have been doing better the last year after seeing a psychologist and a personal coach. It was a very conscious decision to go to the conference on my own, to challenge myself. However, I am already regretting my decision and I honestly can't see myself getting through these two days at the moment.

How do I cope? What can I do to make thing easier? The things I'm dreading the most are the 'social' moments: breakfast, lunch, coffee breaks, dinner, party, ...

I don't know how to talk to strangers. I can't make small talk to save my life and I'm extremely shy.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who's ever been to a conference on their own, nor am I the only person to struggle with anxiety. Does HN have any tips for me? Thanks.

[atsaloli]

Set a goal you can reach and take a win on. e.g. talk to ONE person. You'll have two days to accomplish this. Take a win for pushing yourself and showing up. Find someone you feel you may have something in common with and that you think you might like. Introduce yourself (hi, i'm dinosaurs, what's your name?) Don't make a big deal out of it, just go for it. You're brave for pushing your limits. Let us know how it goes? (You are not alone, even though sometimes it feels like it.)

[dinosaurs → atsaloli]

Thanks. That's exactly what I'm planning to do. I have been preparing, mentally, for this. I made a list of things that might cause me to panic, starting from the moment I walk out of my door to get on the train, until the moment I get back home. I ranked these events from 1 to 3, with 3 being the most stressful. For every 9 points I get, I'm rewarding myself with something, probably some vinyl ;) I don't expect to 'score' many points, but even one '3' would be a huge win, like you said. I'll let you know how it went afterwards. Thanks again.

[atsaloli → dinosaurs]

Great! Good idea to reward yourself for accomplishments. Do well.

[gusmd]

Have you been to other conferences before? In case not, I can tell you that you are not required to talk to that much people if you don't feel like it. Just keep to yourself and you should be fine.

It would however defeat the purpose of making the effort to go to said conference. I'm simply stating this as a fallback mechanism in case you feel too shy or anxious when you do get there.

So try not to think much about it. Worst case scenario you will listen to great talks, learn a bit, and go home without talking to anyone.

[dinosaurs → gusmd]

It would indeed defeat the purpose of going there. I have been to conferences before, but never alone. Usually, the person I went with was pretty social and I had no problems getting in touch with other people, through my colleague.

The worst case scenario doesn't sound too bad. I just don't want to come back without having spoken to anyone.. I would see that a bit as a failure, considering I'm going there to challenge myself.

[oe → dinosaurs]

I support your plan of talking with people, and setting a goal for interaction is something others could also benefit from. Just a heads up: some people _really_ don't want to talk with anyone, some are busy, and some are just dicks. And that has nothing to do with your conversation skills or person.

I've been there, trying to hold a conversation with someone who's more interested in their iPhone. Sometimes it's OK to just cut your losses and find someone more interesting. (And no need for elaborate exits from conversations. A simple "oh look, free beer" will suffice.)

A tip I read somewhere: find two strangers talking to each other and see if you can enter their conversation. That way you'll help them out, and reduce your own workload by a third compared to talking to someone 1 on 1.

[baobaba]

There will be plenty of people at the conference worried about the same exact thing you are. So by coming and talking to them, you will likely be doing them a favor. Now they can talk to you and not have to pretend to check email.

Once at the conference, people will ask you what it is you do, where do you come from, and other ice-breaking questions. Think of a longer answer to these questions that give the other party a chance to keep the conversation going. For example, instead of saying, "I am a software developer" you may say, "I work as a software developer in this small agency in Chicago, and in my spare time I am working on a pet project that's going to help developers keep track of bugs." Now people can tell you that they've been to Chicago or how much they hate/love bug tracking tools. And you take it from there.

What I found easiest is try to be a part of group conversations. This way the weight is not entirely on you to keep the conversation going, and you may instead jump in here and there as you feel comfortable.

Good luck!

[A_COMPUTER]

You're me at JavaOne in 2006. Here's a cool fact, there's a ton of people there and so the person you're next to in line for a talk, you'll probably never see them again after you go home. I know anxiety isn't a conscious, rational thing, but you can combat the urge to flee by reminding yourself of just how low-stakes the risk of talking to someone actually is. Standing in line next to someone gives you a chance for bite-sized interaction. I still get stressed in crowds, but what I do is, I just have a short, casual conversation with the person next to me that I naturally let end after a few sentences. That way if the person really isn't interested in talking then it naturally dies off, but if they feel like talking more, they will keep the ball rolling for you.

[sonotalone]

You are so not alone. I dread little interactions like lunches, dinners, open bars, networking reception (oh my!). Just gotta be yourself, and realize there is probably 20 other people there in the same boat. Try to find them!

[zenlambda]

I'm also going to the conference alone too. I think you made a great decision.

If it makes you feel any better I think you'll find it very different to regular social situations. I think this will be one environment where you will find people who are interested in the same things you are. Just talk about what interests you, I'm sure you will find some great people to talk with.

If you want to hang out at the conference just DM/tweet me @zenlambda or chat to me on the conference slack (my handle is 'frank').

[7402]

I am in-between on the extrovert-introvert scale. I have attended conferences by myself. It can be hard work for a shy or introverted person to deal with the 'social' moments. One solution is to ration your effort to be sociable...

For example, I don't feel the need to try hard to be sociable at coffee breaks. Everyone is busy getting coffee, looking at the conference schedule, checking email, etc. It is very normal to not be sociable at coffee breaks, so you can fit in without problem by getting coffee and then finding a comfortable place to sit and just study whatever you want.

I almost always skip the "party" if there is one. There's nothing wrong with that.

In my opinion, you might want to reserve your main effort for lunch. This is a time when people are resting from going to sessions but are relaxed enough to talk and may have just learned something interesting, too. The two issues here are where to sit, and what to talk about. My advice on where to sit is first of all, do NOT sit at empty table by yourself. This will feel uncomfortable, while waiting to see if anyone will sit there. I also avoid taking the last seat at an almost-full table where everybody is talking. They may be busy with their conversations. I look for a table that has a few people but is perhaps 60% empty. I don't sit on the opposite side of the table far away from the people, nor right next to them; I pick a spot that is one or two seats away. As soon as you sit down, shake hands and introduce yourself. Other people will come and fill in the empty seats. It is normal when someone sits down near to you to immediately say hello, and introduce yourself. They will do the same.

Fortunately, at a conference, everybody has in common an interest in the subject. This makes it easier converse, using standard questions to begin: "Have you been to this conference before?" "Did you travel far to get to the conference?" "Have you used React a lot?" "What did you think of the keynote speech?" "What does you company do?" If the conversion moves to a technical discussion, you may find it easier to talk.

If conversation becomes difficult, you can just listen to what the others at the table are talking about.

Also, people are always busy at conferences and running off to take care of tasks or business, so if it is too uncomfortable is OK to finish lunch and leave; you are not trapped!

If there is a dinner speaker, then dinner is easy, since most of the time everyone will be listening. After the speaker, conversation can be about what the speaker said.

Good luck! There are many people who exactly understand this anxiety and are wishing you the best.

[schoen → 7402]

Those are great thoughts. Another good general topic to ask people:

* Have you been to Paris before? (Are there things I should do or see while I'm here?)

A lot of people love to be helpful and give advice, so if you ask for advice or suggestions they're likely to appreciate the opportunity (including the opportunity to show that they're knowledgeable).

You can also ask people for more travel-related questions like how to get around, how to get to a specific place, etc. They'll usually be quite comfortable being asked this, regard it as a normal and appropriate thing to be asked by a stranger, and, again, want to help out by discussing it.

[oe]

Care to post any follow-up? How did you do?