When what you're doing isn't working, try anything else.
Simplistic, but true nonetheless.
The sum of your life isn't working for you, so you should definitely act and change something. Don't think "I should be happy because I have these things or because others like me look happy." You're not happy. Change something. You have zero responsibilities beyond the well being of yourself and your family.
Change the job, deliberately, carefully, and as quickly as possible. Even if a heart-to-heart with your difficult boss improves that relationship, there's still the commute and your desire to spend more time with your kids.
A job is just a job, and they don't care (much) about you. You're more or less pluggable. Your kids are the world, and you're losing them everyday, even when you're with them 24/7. My son is eleven and I love him exactly the way he is today, but I ache from the fact that I will never again be able to talk to the four year old he once was. Max your time and quality with your kids, they're good for you and you're good for them.
If you have trouble figuring out what to do "from now on," then just try to figure out what you can do "for awhile." Give yourself some space and time to look around. You're smart enough and disciplined enough to write a book, so you can probably work remotely. Get a contract or permanent-but-remote job with someone on the other side of the country, or New Zealand, so that there's no question about the work from home thing. You don't have to save the world with your first change, you just have to push the world back a bit, so you can see what's possible.
Downshift. If you have more than 12 (or N) payments on a car, sell it and buy a good enough cheap car that serves your needs. If you're not commuting then you don't need much car. Get rid of cable/dish (but keep the broadband). Sell your house and buy a smaller one in an older neighborhood (assuming the economics work for that). Get rid of as much out-flow as possible, and save it instead.
Take a hard look at money expenses and psychic expenses, and realize that most of our "have tos" are merely "want tos." If you're doing something that sucks (like your job) because you "have to" live in a certain neighborhood or in a certain way, then think about what those supposed "have tos" are doing to you.
You do have to take care of yourself. As they say at the beginning of an airline flight, if you're traveling with children (which you are), in the event of an emergency place your own oxygen mask first, so that you are then able to help your kids with their oxygen. Point, don't suffer in a field of suck because you think it's good for your kids. Take care of your needs within the bounds of responsibility and propriety, and you'll be better able to take care of your kids.
Much good advice in the other comments. Look at it all with slightly unfocused eyes and see what it all suggests that will work for you. Talk to a trusted friend and a close relative. Don't feel obligated to take any specific advice.
My son is eleven and I love him exactly the way he is today, but I ache from the fact that I will never again be able to talk to the four year old he once was
As a parent of a 2 1/2 year old and a four month old, I'm saddened that there will be a point in my life - deity willing - that I'll be saying the exact same thing you are.
maybe, maybe not. I understand the viewpoint, but it's not how I'm experiencing parenthood. Looking at pictures of my kids when they were babies and toddlers and preschoolers - they look so unformed. It's like watching a sculpture come to life out of a block of marble, watching them slowly become more themselves.
Simplistic, but true nonetheless.
The sum of your life isn't working for you, so you should definitely act and change something. Don't think "I should be happy because I have these things or because others like me look happy." You're not happy. Change something. You have zero responsibilities beyond the well being of yourself and your family.
Change the job, deliberately, carefully, and as quickly as possible. Even if a heart-to-heart with your difficult boss improves that relationship, there's still the commute and your desire to spend more time with your kids.
A job is just a job, and they don't care (much) about you. You're more or less pluggable. Your kids are the world, and you're losing them everyday, even when you're with them 24/7. My son is eleven and I love him exactly the way he is today, but I ache from the fact that I will never again be able to talk to the four year old he once was. Max your time and quality with your kids, they're good for you and you're good for them.
If you have trouble figuring out what to do "from now on," then just try to figure out what you can do "for awhile." Give yourself some space and time to look around. You're smart enough and disciplined enough to write a book, so you can probably work remotely. Get a contract or permanent-but-remote job with someone on the other side of the country, or New Zealand, so that there's no question about the work from home thing. You don't have to save the world with your first change, you just have to push the world back a bit, so you can see what's possible.
Downshift. If you have more than 12 (or N) payments on a car, sell it and buy a good enough cheap car that serves your needs. If you're not commuting then you don't need much car. Get rid of cable/dish (but keep the broadband). Sell your house and buy a smaller one in an older neighborhood (assuming the economics work for that). Get rid of as much out-flow as possible, and save it instead.
Take a hard look at money expenses and psychic expenses, and realize that most of our "have tos" are merely "want tos." If you're doing something that sucks (like your job) because you "have to" live in a certain neighborhood or in a certain way, then think about what those supposed "have tos" are doing to you.
You do have to take care of yourself. As they say at the beginning of an airline flight, if you're traveling with children (which you are), in the event of an emergency place your own oxygen mask first, so that you are then able to help your kids with their oxygen. Point, don't suffer in a field of suck because you think it's good for your kids. Take care of your needs within the bounds of responsibility and propriety, and you'll be better able to take care of your kids.
Much good advice in the other comments. Look at it all with slightly unfocused eyes and see what it all suggests that will work for you. Talk to a trusted friend and a close relative. Don't feel obligated to take any specific advice.