Hey there, if you're listening! I actually dealt with something similar almost a decade ago. I never considered suicide, but during a snowy winter where I also experienced financial pressure and a lot of family strain and changes, I very slowly slipped into a sort of "fog."
I also became very sensitive, both to how people interacted with me, but even to physical things. I remember bumping my shoulder into a door one time and screaming, "OW!" It couldn't have really hurt - my shoulder is plenty strong - I think I just wanted attention. It was a natural overreaction. I would get upset about things that, in retrospect, shouldn't have really bothered me.
I also tended to wake up at 4am, filled with anxiety. I would tell myself to work, but really I would just waste time until morning came. You can't really be productive or focused at 4am.
I never felt sad or happy. I just felt nothing much at all. I was completely unaware of this at the time, of course. Other people around me were very aware of it.
My mood really disabled me, which only made things worse.
I was hesitant and too embarrassed to seek medical help, so instead I privately got a hold of some over the counter treatments: specifically 5-HTP supplements and St. John's Wort, if I recall. Although in retrospect I'm positive it was placebo effect, the instant I took these pills, I felt the fog lift over me. I physically felt something happened to me. I'll never forget it.
Really I think I just felt the relief of turning a corner, of taking some kind of action. I'm a naturally positive person who has childhood experience helping myself out of things, so maybe I was built better to deal with it. In that case, despite my success, I absolutely encourage you to seek medical help. It's no big deal. Don't sweat it. Just take a small step.
Life is short and it is amazing. Not "iPhone amazing" - but truly, absolutely amazing. It's a gift and we have a responsibility to put good things back into the world in return. You never know what good things are around the corner - but even more importantly, you can ACT to influence your life and what happens in it. Don't stress about any one thing, and make sure you are treating others well (by taking care of yourself).
Take care of yourself. You deserve to feel better.
Thanks for the kind words and your own story. Its interesting to hear you talk about "slowly slipped into a sort of 'fog.'". At times that feeling really resonates with how I'm feeling. Perhaps in the future I'll experience the "fog lift over me". For now though turning the corner was yesterday and although I feel like things have got worse I can also see thinning of that "fog". I think I made a mistake waiting so long to take action.
"Don't stress about any one thing, and make sure you are treating others well (by taking care of yourself)."
I'll keep that one close.
p.s I've registered and spoken to my GP and will be taking counselling as soon as I can.
I'm sure you mean well. But if there's a more efficient way to alienate someone than presenting the direct opposite of their experience as if it were some great objective Truth, I can't imagine what it is.
I also became very sensitive, both to how people interacted with me, but even to physical things. I remember bumping my shoulder into a door one time and screaming, "OW!" It couldn't have really hurt - my shoulder is plenty strong - I think I just wanted attention. It was a natural overreaction. I would get upset about things that, in retrospect, shouldn't have really bothered me.
I also tended to wake up at 4am, filled with anxiety. I would tell myself to work, but really I would just waste time until morning came. You can't really be productive or focused at 4am.
I never felt sad or happy. I just felt nothing much at all. I was completely unaware of this at the time, of course. Other people around me were very aware of it.
My mood really disabled me, which only made things worse.
I was hesitant and too embarrassed to seek medical help, so instead I privately got a hold of some over the counter treatments: specifically 5-HTP supplements and St. John's Wort, if I recall. Although in retrospect I'm positive it was placebo effect, the instant I took these pills, I felt the fog lift over me. I physically felt something happened to me. I'll never forget it.
Really I think I just felt the relief of turning a corner, of taking some kind of action. I'm a naturally positive person who has childhood experience helping myself out of things, so maybe I was built better to deal with it. In that case, despite my success, I absolutely encourage you to seek medical help. It's no big deal. Don't sweat it. Just take a small step.
Life is short and it is amazing. Not "iPhone amazing" - but truly, absolutely amazing. It's a gift and we have a responsibility to put good things back into the world in return. You never know what good things are around the corner - but even more importantly, you can ACT to influence your life and what happens in it. Don't stress about any one thing, and make sure you are treating others well (by taking care of yourself).
Take care of yourself. You deserve to feel better.