I'll be the disagreeing voice. I read the book, and what I got from it was a manipulating vibe, not as strong as the one I get from the PUA community, but close.
I took this random quote right now:
> So, because I had apologized and sympathized with her point of view, she began apologizing and sympathizing with my point of view, I had the satisfaction of controlling my temper, the satisfaction of returning kindness for an insult. I got infinitely more real fun out of making her like me than I could ever have gotten out of telling her to
go and take a jump in the Schuylkill River
That's not "I want to make a friend". That's "how do I get the most from others for my own purposes".
For me, "How to influence friends and influence people" would be a better title. I'll agree that it's great for business purposes, but for the "win friends" part, not so much.
To me he's highlighting a situation where he disagreed with someone in a way that made him angry, but instead of jumping on his anger and telling her to "take a hike" he chose to control his temper and employ empathy. He illustrates the benefit of this approach by saying that in the end both he and the person with whom he disagreed came away happy.
One of the core tenants of the book is that you shouldn't fake it. That is, when he tells you you should be interested in the benign and mundane things people have to say, he means that you should find something about what they're saying in which to take actual, genuine interest. He says time and time again that even people you perceive to be stupid are smarter than to be manipulated by false interest and empathy and that by employing such tactics you do a disservice to yourself and the people with whom you're interacting.
I agree that in some places the tone is a bit Machiavellian, but it's only to illustrate that even to one who would employ such tactics, being genuine is a far better approach than being fake.
Actually he specifically advises against being cynical & selfish. A passage:
[after complimenting a postal worker on his hair thus making the postal worker happy]:
"I told this story once in public and a man asked me afterwards: 'What did you want to get out of him?'
What was I trying to get out of him!!! What was I trying to get out of him!!!
If we are so contemptibly selfish that we can't radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without trying to get something out of the other person in return - if our souls are no bigger than sour crab apples, we shall meet with the failure we so richly deserve. Oh yes, I did want something out of that chap. I wanted something priceless. And I got it. I got the feeling that I had done something for him without his being able to do anything whatever in return for me. That is a feeling that flows and sings in your memory lung after the incident is past."
He recommends truly being nice, not just pretending to be nice. It's not really a "trick", he suggests you substantively change your behavior.
I took this random quote right now:
> So, because I had apologized and sympathized with her point of view, she began apologizing and sympathizing with my point of view, I had the satisfaction of controlling my temper, the satisfaction of returning kindness for an insult. I got infinitely more real fun out of making her like me than I could ever have gotten out of telling her to go and take a jump in the Schuylkill River
That's not "I want to make a friend". That's "how do I get the most from others for my own purposes".
For me, "How to influence friends and influence people" would be a better title. I'll agree that it's great for business purposes, but for the "win friends" part, not so much.