Every verb in what you just wrote is in the present simple, with the single exception of "your mileage may vary". It's probably the commonest of all tenses both in everyday conversation and in complex sentences. I see no reason to think that people in general (or programmers in particular) lack experience of expressing things in the present tense. It's also far from clear to me that there's any real correspondence between the present simple and functional programming.
Apart from that, though, I liked your last paragraph just fine.
Good observation on the irony of my own writing. :-)
I should have added abstract writing in general to technical/scientific.
In general, Present Simple tense is used when referring to abstract concepts, which is rarer in real life than in this forum. (A lot of people here are abstract thinkers.) Most news pieces and conversations refer to actual events and do not use as much Present Simple.
Apart from that, though, I liked your last paragraph just fine.