Ask HN: How to win your dream girl?

[rblion]

Off topic but I think I'd learn more on HN than anywhere else online.

Im 23 and I've gotten to know this girl over the last few years. She is the only girl I know who is into Carl Sagan, Jurassic Park, Game of Thrones AND also happens to be drop dead gorgeous (she could easily be a model). She is funny, witty, and kind to all living things (except bugs, she is a girl).

But MORE THAN ANYTHING, she supports my dreams of building a successful company that improves quality of life for millions of people every day. She critiques my ideas, designs, and encourages me when things don't go as planned. So...

I'm a little unsure of how to do this as I've never felt this way before. There are lots of guys trying to win her but she hasn't fallen for any of them...yet. I want to win her before it's too late and while we're both still young and hopeful. What would you do in my shoes or what did you do when you were in my shoes?

Please and thanks for any feedback. I know it's random but if not HN then where. :)

[hitsurume]

I would ask her to Dinner, emphasize that its "just you two" and then just show her a good time. If she appears to be weirded out, or tries to invite other people etc, that probably means she doesn't feel the same way you do.

If she does agree, then that means she's open to the idea and needs you to take the lead. During the date, make sure you go by the 3 event rule, meaning you take her to 3 different places before the end of the date. Examples: Restaurants, Bar, Park, , Dessert Shop, Gas station, Your house, Her House, Friends House, some random store, etc.

If she tries to bail after Event 1, probably means it didn't go well.

Good luck and remember to have fun and not be needy.

[pwg]

> But MORE THAN ANYTHING, she supports my dreams of building a successful company that improves quality of life for millions of people every day. She critiques my ideas, designs, and encourages me when things don't go as planned.

If this is actually what is happening (and not your 23 yr. old wist-full dreaming) then you very likely have a much better shot than you realize. In fact, you might already have "won" her and just don't know it yet. So take hitsurume's advice and just ask her out already.

[rblion]

thanks everyone. a lot of sound advice, i knew i'd learn more here than any other site.

[larrys]

Well to start the very first issue is that you seem to be totally enamored with her and the way you describe her it's almost as if you feel she is totally out of your league as the saying goes.

This could be true or it could be totally in your head. If it's totally in your head that's good because they you've found something which you think is really great and that's a good thing. But if she is as desirable you are you making her out to be (and it's not just in your head) given the way you feel about this (and the fact that you've waited so long) you may be entering into a potential relationship that later on you will be sorry for. Because it doesn't sound as if there is balance in the desire by both parties. If there were, my feeling is that you would have come together sooner than later. She would have sent out signals and you would have acted confidently that you wouldn't have been rejected.

By the way as an aside the fact that she is into things that you are into, from my experience and observation over the years, is pretty much the least important type thing over the long term. The "support you with working" part is great of course. Note that all of that sometimes changes once kids come along. But it's a good start for sure.

What would I do? Take her out but don't shut out any other dating possibilities.

By the way looks wear over time. Not saying you should date a dog or anything but the looks don't float a relationship long term. You get used to them just like anything else.

[cloudair]

You need to realize that this girl isn't a snowflake. She isn't unique. It sounds like you've really built her up in your mind and she probably won't meet the expectations you've unintentionally set. You've known this girl for years. Why didn't you ask her out right away? There's a big chance you are now in the dreaded "friend zone". This isn't a romantic comedy. You can't play coy with a girl and then make your sexual intentions known later. If you have the slightest inkling that you may like a girl, you should make those intentions clear from the start. That way you don't build her up in your mind and get nervous when you ask her out. Or worse you get depressed when she doesn't want to go on a date with you.

You should never put all your eggs in one basket. You should always be talking to multiple girls when you are looking to date. This way if one girl doesn't feel the same way about you, you have other options. Options are important. It's unhealthy to lust after one girl. (Obviously I'm not talking in the context of marriage/etc.)

Whatever you do, do not tell her outright that you have feelings for her. Even if she does like you, this will still put her in a rather awkward position. My personal opinion would be that you should look for another girl and forget about this one, but I know from personal experience that those words aren't easy to hear and you won't listen to that advice.

So, here's what I suggest you do. Ask her out to something simple like coffee. It sucks to say, but if you guys already go out together to places like the coffee shop and etc. you will probably have to spell out that this is explicitly a date. This is another reason why you don't want to wait on something like this. You need to either ask her in person or call her. Do not text, Facebook message, etc. Girls like when they can see/hear you ask them out. They size up your body language so make sure that you stand up straight. Say something like, "Hey, we should go out for coffee this Saturday." or "I'm going to the batting cages Friday, you should come with me." If you guys do a lot of hanging out already (and it sounds like you do) I would be more upfront. Something like "Let's go out this Friday. I'll show you the best coffee place in town." (I think you get the point.) If she declines your offer, try not get hung up on it. You probably will because like I said you've built her up in your mind, nevertheless, do not dwell on it too long. There are plenty of girls out there for you that are just like the girl you are lusting after now. Don't forget that you should be the prize, not her. She is the lucky one, not you.

It sounds like you really have high hopes for the future. Even if you two do go out, you probably won't end up getting married. That's OK, though. Like I said, she's not a snow flake. Nobody is.

"There are lots of guys trying to win her but she hasn't fallen for any of them...yet."

No offense dude, but if the girl is half as beautiful as you say she is, she is most likely having sex and has dated people in the last few years. I hope you have too. Don't get hung up on one girl. Anyway, I hope none of this comes off too harsh. I've learned a lot about girls the last few years of my life and the biggest thing you need to realize is a girl is just a supplement to a great life style. Don't base your happiness off of them. Do not build them up. They are human beings who eat, sleep, and shit, too.

[kls → cloudair]

I kind of figured when I read your comment that you would be down-voted due to the tone you took, but you really do present some good info. That being said I think it comes off as too brash for the HN crowd. Let me see if I can reiterate some of the wisdom in a manner that may convey it little more subtly.

One of the points that cloudair is hitting on by saying that she is no snowflake and don't build her up is that women do not like a guy that comes off a desperate and incapable of getting a woman. It can border on creepy to them. When you build a woman up in your mind this is what will inevitably happen, it's great that you think of her as a goddess but should you act like that around her and act like a lost puppy it is going to turn her off. Not saying you are doing that, but don't.

The reason cloudair says to play the field is a natural byproduct of playing the field is that you are a little more cool around all women when you are not desperate for the attention of a single women. It sucks but we are human and part of being human are the natural mating signals one of them for a successful man is that other women like him. Women like men that other women like, don't ask me why but those are the rules of engagment.

He is also right, that the longer you drag this out the more at risk you are of being put in the friend zone. Once a woman has lost desire for a man it is very hard to rekindle it.

Women like alpha males. You don't have to be a body builder or a ninja to be an Alpha male, what you do have to be though, is confident, respectful, decisive, intelligent and have convictions. Women pick up on these strong traits and have a natural attraction to them. Just as men are attracted to beauty women are attracted to all strengths of a man. Women generally want a man that they can admire for their strengths, be strong when you are around her. Not in a hey look at me lift the front of this car kind of strong but strong in confidence and strong in your opinions, for example don't be in to something just because she is into it, women have radar for when men are faking it and it's a huge turn off for them, they read it as weakness and patronizing and it can be read as desperation.

Tease her in a fun but aggravating way, kind of like you would a kid sister. You need to be fun. People want to be with people they have fun with. Every time you are with her you should make it a point to make the environment fun, even if it is just the two of you. This goes back to being a alpha male. Women like men that are the life of the party. If you are introverted that does not mean you have to do keg stands, but it does mean you need to make an effort to socialize and place both of you in fun environments.

She sounds like a catch, just try not to build her up in your mind it's the worst thing you can do. That does not mean you should be rude to her but you need to treat her like a person that you enjoy spending time with not like an golden idol. Good luck and please update us on how it all works out.

[Kudzu_Bob]

All your answers reside here: http://heartiste.wordpress.com/