This is very much upstream of sex. I just started a masters program this week, and on Friday night at 8 pm, zero out of 52 of my cohort members wanted to join me for a beer. It's anecdotal, but seemed really remarkable to me. So it's not just sex, young people don't socialize in-person nearly as much as they used to. I have no idea how this will be addressed, if it does ever get addressed.
I've made a new year resolution in 2024 to be much more outgoing with my friends and coworkers, and to go to more concerts. My wife isn't a concert person, and I don't have many local friends. But still, I always buy two tickets and, to the friends and colleagues I will offer the other ticket, usually in conversation or at random, usually months in advance, and usually at no cost just because I just really like having friends -- who doesn't?
Of the 6 shows since then, 4 people accepted to go with me, but all of them ended up cancelling. One friend tapped in at the last second just because he was a local student with nothing better to do on friday night. So I've been to a lot of concerts alone, which kinda sucks. Everyone else is there with some companion, but I'm kinda extraverted so made a few acquaintances.
I also planned a fishing trip with another -- free airfare (companion pass) and lodging (family condo) for them -- and cancelled about 2 weeks prior to it.
I also realized i'm the manufacturer of my friendships -- I am the one who asks friends out for lunch, brunch, hikes, beers, coffee, picnics, game night, etc. I'm the conversation starter. I send the plurality of reels. I'm reminded of my friends on a daily basis from random happenings, that spur me to get a gift, or send a news article, or just a pic or text, or to form a plan for a birthday party or fishing trip or cross-country flight or anything.
They'd often accept the small stuff, and things were good. But I backed away during my recent paternity leave, and they basically disappeared. I still send and receive some how are you's, but it made me realize how lopsided my relationships became.
I kinda burnt out manufacturing my relationships (also after learning about that term), so I stopped, and for the last 3 months I've been essentially devoid of friendship (except for one person who ).
Started to make me think I smell or something, but reading of the male loneliness epidemic and an overall dissolution of community is making me realize the only thing I'm doing wrong is not continuing to manufacture my friendships like I was before.
I think one of the mentally healthier decisions I ever made was to realize that many of the friends I have, if I stopped reaching out to them, the relationships may cease to exist. And then quietly reframe them in my mind as good acquaintances.
You may be quite the extrovert like myself. My partner is an introvert and deeply struggles to reach out to people that she really wants to reach out to and keep in touch with. I found it quite baffling at first, though it appears to come from a desire to avoid bothering people. People are complicated.
And ultimately, real friendship is quite rare. I think Muhammad Ali had the best definition
"Friendship is a priceless gift that cannot be bought nor sold, but its value is far greater than a mountain made of gold. For gold is cold and lifeless. It can neither see nor hear. In times of trouble, it's powerless cheer. It has no ears to listen, no heart to understand. It cannot bring you comfort or reach out a helping hand. So when you ask God for a gift, be thankful if sends not diamonds, pearls, or riches but the love of real, true friends."
I've experienced the same thing, I thought it was just people didn't like me but maybe there is something else here. If I see people regularly (e.g. at the office) I can make good friendships with them and we get along well, but other than that I am the one that needs to put in the effort to arrange something if I want to see someone. Maybe 1/20 times I am the one who is invited, otherwise it's me who needs to do it.
Another thread said how things changed at lot in the 10s which echos my experience. When I first started working professionally I'd go out with my colleagues every week at least once after work. The rest of the 10s I was mostly working remotely, but recently I've been in the office more. Since COVID it seems that socialising has just gone down hill, even just getting people to go for lunch together is hard now... At work if a person leaves who I had a good friendship with, there's a good chance I'm never going to see them again.
I don't know if I'd reframe them as acquaintances though. I could probably be better at reaching out to them as well, for all I know they feel the same way. And I'm absolutely close with a lot of my friends that I rarely see or talk to. There is the whole meme format about "the stuff you get up to with that one friend you see once a year" or something that seems to be a common sentiment.
This is basically me except I'm not married. Not really much to say except your experience is super common and I often wonder if it's something specific to me (or us) or if it's just the way the world is now. I'd love closer connections with people but it just feels impossible.
I wonder if it's because of social media creating deeper and deeper niche personality traits. Where it's simultaneously easy to find lots of people that share common likes/dislikes, but practically unobtainable to find that one human that shares all are likes/dislikes and be the that perfect friend. There's also so many things to like and dislike that maybe people don't even truly know what they like and dislike.
Too many social interactions (and the culture of labelling everything, increasingly dividing us) have us burned out on making the deep connections.
It's similar to this: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=25667362
Is it a lack of interest, or are they being priced out? When I was in university around 2010, you could do a very decent night out for 20€, and crash in your mate's student room, for which they paid 250€ per month. You'd meet friends, friends of friends, and your social circle would just expand.
Now the rent tripled, 20€ gets you a beer and a bus ride, and people stay home with the same few friends, if they're bothered to do anything at all.
Money was never a problem, you could just go sit on a bench with your friends, drink a few beers before heading to the pub, then buy only one beer for the whole evening. You didn’t need to spend much, you could grab a cheap tea somewhere or just hang out walking around the city and so on.
I recently visited my alma mater. There is a restaurant/bar right in the middle of campus, which in my time was always an extremely crowded social spot. In addition to the convenient location, meals at the restaurant are covered by the university meal plan, so it's a great way to get some variety from cafeteria food at no added cost. Plenty of students in my time hung out there despite not drinking. When I visited, the place was dead - I and a fellow alumni I was meeting were the only two non-employees there. This was during typical dinner rush hours. There were quite a few door-dashers picking up food, but no one actually coming in to partake in either the bar or the food. During the same trip, I went to quite a few bars and restaurants in the area around the campus which were all packed, but I didn't see anyone college aged at any of them. None of these places were expensive, either when I was in undergrad or now.
Obviously this is one anecdote, but it seems the kids these days just don't like going out to bars and restaurants. I can't imagine 20 somethings have stopped liking food, so it seems the atmosphere is more likely the issue.
What are they going to get out of it? Everywhere you go on most campuses you're hammered with title IX messaging about how interacting with women in anything other than a cold professional way (which rarely results in sex, women don't want that) is harassment and can ruin your life. The only thing left then is getting drunk which is also a good way to ruin your life.
A brewpub steps from UC Berkeley just gave up half their building to a chain dumpling restaurant. When it is busy there, it's locals, not students. The youngs just aren't into beer.
