Look, I get that purists hate PHP for lots of reasons. I also get that its easy to make a mess out of what ever your building because you aren't forced into an organization scheme that is common to the language. I even get that the constructs of PHP themselves are somewhat haphazardly implemented.
Here's what I propose instead of shamelessly flaming PHP even if its to point out how you always use it even though you think that you shouldn't.
Fix it! If the hammer is missing the part that is useful or intuitive to you then why not go out and participate in the comunity and make PHP better.
You all live live and work with PHP - stop complaining and take some ownership. That's what opensource is all about!
