As someone who knows both languages intimately (written more code in both of those languages than any others), I can't think of any two (non-toy) languages which are more diametrically opposed.
In a similar spirit, I have started an experimental go to c++ compiler. But it's not in a usable state at the moment (no gc, imports management is not finished, some syntax are still not managed) and the code is probably quite bad as I'm not used to program in go. (The repo is here: https://github.com/Rokhan/gocpp if anyone interested).
author here: yeah, as someone pointed out already, I could not find a way to make them async. PHP only has Fibers, and they are not sufficient for that.
This is deeply cursed and I love it.