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Ask HN: How to manage autistic developer?
34 points by throwawayxxnd 5 months ago | hide | past | favorite | 57 comments
I moved to a new team and after a few months, this coworker that reports to me can't stop giving me trouble. It usually of the communication kind but there are other issues not worth discussing here. We all work remotely.

The point is that, by asking a few people that are close to him, I discovered he has been diagnosed as autistic. These people tell me HR knows it but everyone is afraid of getting sued or something so it's a don't ask don't tell situation. People simply ignored him.

I will be honest, he drives me crazy on a daily basis. But I want to adapt and accommodate his disability to the best that I can. It's not a situation that I ever experienced as a manager but I think I can make it a useful learning experience that works for both sides, hopefully.

Have you been in this situation? Do you have any advice for making his and my life easier?




You haven't said enough for anyone to offer real help.

I mean you've got to accept that he won't be aware of, let alone considerate of, other people's feelings. Social rules will be a challenge for him. He won't respect you simply because you're a manager. You have to earn his respect. He will be very logical and reasonable with what he does understand. His ability to remain on task is going to be limited unless he's fired up. But if he gets there, his productivity may shock you.

He will likely overestimate how much he understands. But when he actually gets things, he really will get them.

This is all vague generalities. 


    He won't respect you simply because you're a manager. You have to earn his respect.
This is good practice even for non-autistic employees, but… it’s reasonable to expect that an autistic person knows that there is a hierarchy to their job. Depends on what you mean by “respect” here of course, but mild autism that still allows you to work in a professional setting is not a blanket excuse for being disrespectful to coworkers or managers.


There's a whole lot of things between not having respect (not abiding to authority) and being disrespectful (hurtful, offensive, etc).


> he won't be aware of, let alone considerate of, other people's feelings

Many autistics are very much considerate of other people's feelings - once they're made aware of them. Most that I know are in fact much more considerate than NTs.

That said, it's still possible that they will come across hurtful or disrespectful even when they're making an effort to accomodate such feelings - simply because they will be more logical and less emotional in their speech and general demeanor.

It helps if the communication and effort goes both ways - the autistic person trying to accommodate the feelings of others, and others trying to understand the (sometimes brutal) logic of the autistic.


Denis Leary wrote a song about that guy.


why are you talking about me?


Well, what's the problem?

Is it a behavioral issue? You may find yourself needing to "explain common sense," and set expectations accordingly. (Likewise, if the problem is behavior during meetings, you might need to reflect on if your meetings are useful, or just "gatherings of people so someone feels important.")

Is it a performance issue? You can only do so much with those, so it's best to do whatever you'd do with a person who has a performance problem. (Usually some form of training, set clear expectations, re-assignment to a different task, or PIP.)

Are they annoying, requires handholding, or just need a lot of attention? https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=38258003 has good strategies. What I've done with people who want/need a lot of attention is to set regular meetings, and then be selective about handling interruptions.

That being said, IMO, it's best to discuss these issues with HR and your higher-up. Decide what your boundaries are, and what the company's boundaries and expectations are.


Some additional points I should have put in when I made the post yesterday:

---

Autism isn't an excuse for violating personal boundaries.

A few years ago I watched a documentary on autism and one of the autistic people was going through other co-workers desks.

If your autistic team member is repeatedly violating personal boundaries, you need to treat them as you would any other person: Point out the infraction and then terminate them if they cannot fix the behavior.

A disability like autism doesn't grant someone the permission to partake in antisocial behavior.

---

Is your role correctly identified as manager? Or are you really an architect, project lead, or a principal engineer? Some companies are under the illusion that everyone wants to be a "Manager," and incorrectly label every leadership role as a manager.

(Some of the clues for situations like this is that you would only have one to three direct reports, and that you will spend a lot of time hands-on in the code or other engineering activities.)

The critical difference in a situation like this is that managers handle people problems, leads delegate their people problems back to their manager.

If your role is mislabeled as manager, then you really should make your autistic co-worker your boss's problem. If that doesn't work, you should get reassigned or find a job elsewhere.


There's probably more than a typical share of devs that are on the spectrum to various degrees.

What actually is the issue you're facing? Can you be specific?

If you can find a way to communicate effectively with this person, you might be able to turn this situation into a positive. The folks on the spectrum I've worked have typically had insights and working strengths that neurotypical people didn't, such as an extremely detailed and in depth view of systems to a degree that many of their peers considered obsessive.

Yes, communicating with them takes extra empathy and sometimes patience, maybe some work environment reasonable accommodations. Maybe there are some communication styles, or simply individuals, they respond better to. It takes training, and not gonna lie, a lot of heart.

But nobody can give any useful advice (or even anecdotes) if you don't explain what's going on. "They are autistic." OK, and? What's the issue you're facing with them? What have you tried so far?


What's the actual problem behavior or performance issue specifically? I find it hard to believe that there is some law that says you have to keep employing a person who is incompetent at there job just because they have a disability.

If you fire him because he is autistic, then he can sue you successfully. If you can point to a specific problem with his performance related to communication or anything else, then I don't think he will be able to make a case if you fire him.

I'm not a lawyer but that just seems logical.

I would assume that if you write or say anything about the autism at work, then you are looking at a discrimination lawsuit. If you make an official record of unacceptable behavior or performance without referencing it, then you shouldn't have a problem.


Autistic people want to do a good job just as much as anyone wants to do a good job. If you spoke with them frankly about whatever these "issues" are I'm sure you could come to common agreement. I'm relatively sure this person doesn't want to give you trouble. But you may have to meet them halfway.


Does this post rub anyone else the wrong way? Autistic people are people, how best to manage them is going to differ on the individual person. Every person has unique strengths and flaws, there is no one size fits all approach that is going to work. To treat every autistic person the same is dehumanizing and obviously not going to be effective.

Like, could you imagine if instead of autism this post was say about woman - if someone said they had a female report giving them trouble, with no specifics, and then asked for advice on how to manage women in general - i think people would think that is rediculous.


In a calm yet direct manner, can you tell him what he's doing that bothers you? Or what you'd prefer he do?

(I'm quite aspie, and these are generally the questions I wish people would answer for me.)

At the risk of "projecting" from my own life experience, you're possibly keeping it all bottled up inside, giving him zero opportunity to address your concerns, let alone be aware of them.


Many people already pointed out that you need to say what the issues are.

I want to point out something else... Your headline is "How to manage autistic developer?". But your body text is about a subordinate who presents issues. Being autistic doesn't imply presenting issues. And we don't want to accidentally imply that it does.

One thing we can ask is how in general to better work with someone who's autistic. People can respond with very vague generalities that might or might not apply to an individual-- and which also apply to a lot of non-autistic people. That seems good to add to our toolkits/awarenesses, so long as we don't assume too much about any person.

Another thing we can ask is about specific difficulties working with someone. Adding that the person might be autistic might help nudge towards the right solutions more quickly, though that bit of info might turn out to be irrelevant. All of us can improve at many things.


What trouble? If you don't give any details no one can give you advice. 


    These people tell me HR knows it but everyone is afraid of getting sued or something so it's a don't ask don't tell situation. People simply ignored him.
This doesn’t require soft skills to logic out that there is reasonable trouble.

Coworkers, with a preexisting work history with this employee, know that HR is afraid of getting sued.

Why would an HR department be afraid of being sued by an employee?

The most likely explanation is that they want to fire them for performance and are trying to limit the likelihood of a lawsuit.

Why would a coworker be able to speak to HR’s internal assessment of an employee’s ability to be fired?

The most likely explanation is that they’ve gone to HR, or a manager, with problems, and the manager has asked HR if they could fire the employee for cause before.

“People simply ignored him” is more ambiguous, but in the context above, I take it to mean - other coworkers want him fired, but given HR’s inaction, they are taking their own action by ignoring the coworker and working around them rather than trying to include them.


Okay so, I'm autistic. As another person pointed out, the proportion of autistic people here is probably higher than in the average population. And the thing about us is we can't read between the lines. We take what people say at face value. All of what you're saying is plausible, but if it's the case then OP should have explicitly said any of that.


Document. Clearly state your goals for them, and have them written down in a 1:1 document.

Communication style and tone are important, and autistic people do not get a pass on trying to understand them, even if you may want to give them more grace when they slip up.

With that in mind, a goal should be something like “coworkers report improvement in communication style and tone.” It should be something that other people assess, not a checklist of things for the employee to self-report progress towards. (You never want to give people who don’t correctly see how they’re perceived by others the option of grading themselves. First, their lack of self-awareness means that they aren’t the best judge of improvement, and second, treating things a a checklist to complete will give the impression that you wanted some line items addressed, rather than a holistic improvement in a vague problem area.)

When you document, pay special attention to times when their misunderstanding caused rework. Use those as examples to help them improve. It can be tough for autistic people to take a vague problem and figure out a plan to tackle it, so the more specific examples of problem, outcome, and desired change you can make for them, the clearer it will be what is expected of them. It is better for you and for them - they have a better chance to improve, and you have documented instances of business impact if a turnaround doesn’t happen and you need HR to sign off on moving on.

For accommodation - they have not told you that they have a disability, you’ve heard it secondhand. It’s their choice to make you aware of their autism, and also their responsibility to request accommodations since they have not told you yet. However, you can make informal accommodations, but I would treat it the same way you accommodate employees’ individual personalities and strengths/weaknesses. They, like everyone else, should not be below a certain standard of behavior, but within that standard there will be differences in what each individual needs. You employee sounds like they need direct coaching and clear examples of what is or is not working. Try to give them tasks with high clarity and limited communication requirements, if you can. However, if you find they need more clarity than a reasonable person would expect, again I would have a goal of “the PM reports a decrease in the amount of back-and-forth on tickets you pick up, without a drop in velocity” or something similar. If they find they need more formal accommodations than that, well, now is the time for them to tell you about their autism diagnosis.

Best of luck! This is a challenging managerial task.


Depends on the person. Trust is a two way street. Why should they trust anything you say?

From your post, you've given nothing to support their perspective, which make me think you're low in empathy.

There was an interesting post on HN some weeks ago about autism and authority you could probably dig up.


> I want to adapt and accommodate his disability to the best that I can.

1. Recognize that you have a problem, not him.

2. Let him decide if it's a disability and consider that we're all different.

3. You're not being specific; it's hard to provide concrete advise to a non-specific request.

> HR knows it but everyone is afraid of getting sued or something so it's a don't ask don't tell situation.

You're treating him like a sick person who is doing something wrong, whose bad behavior is protected by taboo.

Whether this is true or not is hard to say. But maintaining this perspective, it seems that you're betting on him not being there, rather than resolving any problems you have with him.

> I will be honest, he drives me crazy on a daily basis.

I have autism and I have a manager who drives me crazy on a daily basis.

Try to not make it personal.

> I can make it a useful learning experience that works for both sides, hopefully.

If you try to learn something from dealing with him, great.

I'd try to avoid setting learning goals for other grown-ups who didn't ask for it, though.

> Do you have any advice for making his and my life easier?

Talk with colleagues who have success communicating with him how they do it.

Talk with your manager on how to be a better manager for autistic people.

Stop blaming him for being autistic and turning your problems into his problems. :-)


From the description, it sounds like the team has started excluding him based on similar communication gaps as the manager is seeing.

That’s a material deficiency, that even an autistic employee is expected to fix.

It’s hard; no doubt. But if you had a person for whom coding didn’t come naturally, they would still be expected to fix it even if working on the issue is harder for them than for someone else. Similarly, even though soft skills are harder for autistic people than for others, there is still a minimum standard you must meet.

Alienating your entire team would count as falling below a minimum standard on teams I’ve worked on, especially if they were being avoided for work as in the OP’s example.


>That’s a material deficiency, that even an autistic employee is expected to fix.

Incorrect. Most countries with protections for disabled employees NEVER expect the employee to be the one fixing the problem.

Wheelchair employees don't have to build ramps, you must do it for them.


OP didn't mention that the team started excluding him, or that this developer alienated an entire team.

It's easy to build a narrative in which the person you have a disagreement gets painted as the incompetent.

We typically do that when we've reached a conclusion and need reality to follow up.


Reposting my comment above - you only need the OP’s words and some reasonable logic to arrive at that conclusion:

        These people tell me HR knows it but everyone is afraid of getting sued or something so it's a don't ask don't tell situation. People simply ignored him.
    
    This doesn’t require soft skills to logic out that there is reasonable trouble.
    
    Coworkers, with a preexisting work history with this employee, know that HR is afraid of getting sued.
    
    Why would an HR department be afraid of being sued by an employee?
    
    The most likely explanation is that they want to fire them for performance and are trying to limit the likelihood of a lawsuit.
    
    Why would a coworker be able to speak to HR’s internal assessment of an employee’s ability to be fired?
    
    The most likely explanation is that they’ve gone to HR, or a manager, with problems, and the manager has asked HR if they could fire the employee for cause before.
    
    “People simply ignored him” is more ambiguous, but in the context above, I take it to mean - other coworkers want him fired, but given HR’s inaction, they are taking their own action by ignoring the coworker and working around them rather than trying to include them.


> Why would an HR department be afraid of being sued by an employee? The most likely explanation is that they want to fire them for performance and are trying to limit the likelihood of a lawsuit.

Most likely, HR has had complaints from at least one person other than OP.

Beyond that conclusion, you're adding to the story to make it fit your narrative.

Maybe they're afraid because he is a licensed gun owner.

Maybe he brought his pet iguana to work one day and used it for rubber-ducking.

(Using monospace throughout your message is a little confusing.)


Neruatypical manager here. First of all, thank you for asking and caring. Though some will see it as singling out or treating them as special needs, it's great that you're showing empathy and being humble that you don't know.

As for the answer, it depends on the person. They might have unique idiosyncrasies, much like any other team member. They are likely to be something you're not familiar with, and they might not be comfortable or able to articulate easily. That's fine.

I recommend you keep things professional and clear. Ensure the goals are clear. That expectations are communicated. And that you let them do their thing and be supportive where needed.

Again, much like you would for anyone else. However, you might find that as a team member they might have different skills than others. Less focus on social activities or chit chat, dislike (or inversely, love) for predictable repetitive tasks, maybe less of a tendency to raise problems (or inversely, being very direct about it).

Get to know ow them, find ways to support them in supporting the company.


You can set reasonable boundaries w/r/t when and how you communicate with them. Without knowing details about specifically what you're dealing with:

- Team members who need to communicate too frequently can have dedicated time scheduled for them when it's convenient for you.

- You're allowed to tell them that you're busy, or to not respond to them until it's convenient.

- With folks who have trouble making themselves understood, I like socratic method type questions to get them to answer their own questions, or to get on the same page.

As a manager, you can be helping them to set goals, and listen to what they think they say they need to meet them. You can work with HR on any additional assistance they need.

While folks with autism spectrum disorders sometimes need additional support, your role as their manager doesn't need to change dramatically to address that specifically. You will also encounter people who either don't have a diagnosis, or you won't know have a diagnosis, and you will need to address their needs whether or not you know about it.


We had a guy like this on our team last year. He never said he was autistic, but in my opinion he was pretty far over on the spectrum. He was a very smart guy and a prolific developer, but absolutely terrible to work with. He would argue endlessly with everyone about everything. Often he was right, but unfortunately even when he was wrong he almost never backed down.

Ultimately he was unable/unwilling to change his ways. Several team members got themselves transferred to other teams just to avoid working with this guy before he ultimately ended up leaving our company to return to his old job. I suspect he had himself a nice window-sitter R&D position where he could work without interacting with anyone.

I wish him the best, but I absolutely would never work with him again.

Oh, I guess I have no advice for you.


You need to give more info about what the actual problems are. Without knowing that, people can only offer advice based on stereotypes, which are often innaccurate.


I got the impression the OP was looking for tips and anecdotes from other people who've managed autistic people.

I suspect that giving too many details may make it obvious who they are. Perhaps the co-worker reads Hacker News?


Good point about the co-worker reading HN.

Honestly, if the poster is serious about being a professional manager and wants good advice on this, they should reach out to a professional organization that provides resources e.g.:

https://www.neurodiversityhub.org/resources-for-employers

Using anecdotes from HN as a guide doesn’t seem like a great approach.


This sounds like a deeply nuanced situation that probably cannot be addressed through a short HN post. Write a post that’s ten times longer than this and instead of posting it here, bring those thoughts and concerns to your manager and HR and work through it together to build a course of action you all feel is productive to try.

If the company, as represented by HR, is disinterested in trying to help improve conditions for all, then you probably can either tolerate it or leave. This isn’t really a problem with an individual that the individual needs to fix. It’s a Human Resources issue that the company needs to work out.


Avoid verbal communication. Use email always. This gives them time to regulate their response and something to look back and be embarassed about when they are in better shape mentally.

If you have to communicate verbally, any topic can become contentious. When that happens, say something positive and revisit it later.

When a toddler hits you the best way to react is vocal and exaggerated hurt. Same principle. They will have extraordinary empathy if they see it that way.

Ask them how they are doing often and offer to help. Be on their team.

Praise often.


Props to you for wanting to learn and putting the question out there. No easy way out here, unfortunately.

I'm a father of two severely autistic boys. Check out my blog post on what I wish people knew about autism: https://tiberriver256.github.io/autism/as-a-father-what-i-wi...

TL;DR

Every autistic person is unique and different. Just like every other person you meet.

I highly recommend you:

- Take the time to get to know them

- Communicate your expectations clearly "I expected you to communicate in x fashion, because of y. You recently communicated in z way. That didn't work for me because of abc"

- Ask them what their preferred methods of communication are and have them explain why

- See if you can come together to find a communication style that works for the both of you.

The most rewarding aspect of having a direct report is seeing them grow. The most beneficial part of having multiple direct reports is the growth potential it gives you in learning from a diverse set of humans.

Don't miss the opportunity here. Good luck!


Props to you for deciding to accommodate rather than take the fire and forget method of solving problems like some commenters have callously suggested.

For a start google "working with aspies" or "working with mild autism adults". It'll give you a list of suggestions and expectation setting.

When you're ready, get into a meeting with him. Present the problems and how that's bothering you, get him to see your side or the side of the offended parties. Then suggest changes to his communication style, and set a goal for him.

Best of luck!


Have a chill chat with him to figure out how he likes to communicate and work. Make sure he knows exactly what’s expected in his job – clear and simple works best. Touch base with HR; they might have some useful tips. Maybe tweak how you talk to him, like being more straightforward or writing things down. Regular, straightforward feedback's good too. If it's still tough, maybe find an expert for advice. Try to learn a bit about autism, as it’ll give you some insight into his actions.


The choice of phrasing in your post highlight a considerable growth opportunity, for yourself, in working toward having stronger emotional intelligence.

It is Movember. Maybe use it as an excuse to open up in a conversation with your colleague on men's mental health issues and how stigmas around neurodivergence are unfair? Maybe you can grow mustaches together and raise awareness for a good cause. I'm saying that it sounds like your first step here is to have some empathy and try connecting on a personal level.

A developer with autism may turn out to be an astounding asset. If you are managing this person, then it is up to you to find what motivates and produces the best work from them.

Welcome to management.

HTH


Have you attempted to talk to him about the issues? It seems like a strange question if you haven't already talked them through with him given that's the most important thing a manager can do for somebody they are managing


If you're posting on the YC and not on the tism spectrum, something is up.

Also, perhaps you should understand their PoV, it is likely they have deeply thought something through and perhaps they find it best or understand that they simply do not need to communicate with you.


If this person has an autism diagnosis then the condition may be strong. When people say "spectrum" they often mean those who don't have a diagnosis. Without more details it's hard to say anything about this situation.


This is blatantly wrong. A person who is "in the spectrum" is a person who is autistic, regardless of whether they had a formal diagnosis or not. They're just different ways of saying the same thing.


"On the spectrum" is both a soft term of art and very often a euphemism for either never seeking professional diagnosis or not being able to convince professionals that you warrant a diagnosis.

The difference between the population of those who have received a diagnosis and those who are on the spectrum is night and day, and it's often the line which separates whether you'll have any reasonable chance at life. The OP suspects his coworker has received such a diagnosis.

So when I hear OP say that his coworker may have a diagnosis, that absolutely changes the picture in my head. It's up to you to decide whether professional medical diagnosis is a signal to you.


Have a watch on this: https://infosec.exchange/@cakeisnotalie/111339054583410032

Next time, please be more empathetic to the people who have not been diagnosed for whatever reason. "On the spectrum" means autistic. Whatever other interpretation you might want to give it is on yourself.


Why would they consider themselves to be on the spectrum then? I mean technically the whole thing could be a spectrum of not austic to autistic. But it seems odd to have the spectrum not end at either point, the diagnosis or the one capturing all people.


It might help to be more specific. Can you give an example of the communication problems?

Depending on the details, it might be helpful to ask him if he can think of any changes that could be made to make your working relationship more effective.


When I was a new manager I used to try to help people, it rarely works. If they really are a PITA they should be told to fix their behavior and if it doesn't get better you can fire them without remorse.


Why did it rarely work?


Why complicate things? Just fire him.


Why complicate things? Just fire the guy in a wheelchair instead of building ramps. Just fire the pregnant women instead of giving maternity leave. Fire all the black employees so you don't have trouble with racism.


Just fire all the employees and you can keep all the revenue for yourself!


You need to ask him what accommodations he needs in order to be effective. Only he can really answer this question.

It could be small things like clearly indicating your intent - avoid sarcasm, figurative language and idioms. In a group chat this could mean adding "/joke" to messages. Autistic people generally like structure. Ensure your task tracker is clean and to-the-point. The benefit of this is it also help non-autistic colleagues.


As an autistic developer: have a straightforward and honest conversation with him. I'd advise you to be completely candid, because you're probably going to get raw unfiltered candor from him.

Without any more information than "trouble" or knowing the guy, I can't give you any specific advice, so I'll just share what my experience is like.

The longest I've ever been able to hold a job was about three years. Arbitrary rules and meddling management is like torture to me. Corporate culture is utterly intolerable. I tried for a very long time to fit in, only to burn out dramatically every time. It's a cliche, but being confined to a tiny, fixed role as a replaceable part in a corporate machine feels to me like caging a bird. I can do so much more and it brings me great suffering to be confined that way. I need to be able to use my talents and do what I'm good at, it's the very core of what I am, it's my primary driving force. To the point where it becomes an obsession, a compulsion that I can only barely contain.

A large majority of autistic people have ADHD, which has the unfortunate effect of making them much more intense. I forget meetings constantly. Deadlines are just a passing thought because I have no clue what day it even is. I start more projects than I finish, and I rarely work on a single project for more than a few days.

But when I get my shit together and actually focus on something? Holy shit, you would not believe the amount of work I can crank out. My present job is as the R&D department. Just me. We should have three people doing my job, but I am an absolute force of nature once something catches my attention.

I have trouble talking to people. I don't make friends easily, though almost everyone likes me. Unless someone specifically asks, I tend to not offer details about my personal life, and I generally don't ask about other's. That's only because it genuinely never occurs to me to ask until the conversation has been over for days. I can't do all the social niceties. I don't have whatever invisible rulebook normal people have for social interactions. I do my best to imitate, but it's honestly as complex as anything I do at work. Most days I simply don't have the brain space for it.

When pushed, I can be an eloquent presenter, a respectable and personable engineer, I can talk to hundreds of strangers at CES and show them the demo. I can do or be whatever is needed, it's just a different mask. But the cost is very steep. After three or four days of CES, it took me months to recover. After I presented a panel to a packed crowd, I nearly passed out. When I have to write a Serious document, I get anxiety attacks for days. It's led to a real primal fear of these kinds of activities, and it's becoming a problem that gets worse as I get older.

Sometimes I say inappropriate things when I'm stressed. The composure I project is just another mask I wear. Underneath I can be cruel and vindictive, spiteful and petty. It comes from a lifetime of trauma and it's taken me a very long time to deal with. When I'm stressed, my control slips and I say things I don't mean and become lifelong regrets.

Fortunately, I've found a good job with a tech startup. My boss is very good to me, which is why I'm able to shoulder so much work. He doesn't micromanage, but will nudge me if I miss a meeting or a deadline. He pushes me to improve but will accept no if that's outside my boundaries. When I say stupid shit he brushes it off. Generally, he understands that I'm going to do what I'm interested in, and do a lot of it. I can't be controlled, but guided. All he can or needs to do is point me in a direction and let it happen.

Fundamentally, understand that autistic people are just people. We want to fit in and get along as much as anyone. And if you're on a part of the spectrum where you can be a successful developer, you're probably very aware of your differences and limitations. But no one gave us the book that the rest of you play from. We need clear, well-defined rules with logical, coherent reasoning behind them. If rules don't make sense, they'll be broken when convenient. But if you punish me for breaking a rule I didn't know about, you might as well have killed my dog. Absolute mortal enemy, never forgive, never forget.

Being autistic in the professional world is more difficult than you can imagine. All of us have deep, serious trauma from growing up in a world you can't understand and that won't understand you.

Talk to your employee. Be respectful and try to understand. Don't play word games and don't leave things unsaid and implied. If you don't say something, an autistic person is not going to hear it. Lay out the rules, explain your reasoning or offer an honest "I don't know". If behavior is inappropriate, clearly say so and define what would be appropriate. You can't just say something is wrong with no explanation, it comes across as random unjustified punishment rather than a correction. Things must be logically consistent and have reasons that make sense. Otherwise, you're going to get resentment and burnout and nobody is going to be happy with the results.

Correcting behavior with an honest conversation will work and earn you respect. Punishment will never, ever work and is more likely to blow up in your face. He doesn't want to be a pain in your ass, he wants to get on with his work. What he wants is most likely to come to work, solve interesting problems, have a nice day and go home. That's really it.

You'll have to just accept his limitations. If he's a poor communicator, don't make him speak up in groups. If he can't turn in paperwork, you might have to work out a system suited to him. Unfortunately, it will probably be all up to you to identify problems and start the conversation about solutions. If you asked him what he struggles with or needs help with, you probably won't get a good answer. It's like being color blind, you never know you have a limitation until it's pointed out. You will have to make some accommodations, but that's just what life is like with a disability. However annoying you find it, imagine what it feels like to see everyone do something that you just can't do, no matter how hard you try.

Two final points: after you talk with him, he will likely be very stressed out or upset. Don't read into it. It's a uniquely stressful situation to have to be corrected that way, but he'll take it to heart. If he's anything like me, he won't be in shape to be around other people for a while. Offer him a couple days off, or work from home. You may need to gently insist, but do take no if he means it.

Also, never tell him about this situation with HR tiptoeing around him. If he doesn't know, it's far better to leave it that way. Finding out about something like that would destroy me. I would honestly quit my job and never return. To any person with a disability, that kind of thing is either mortifying or enraging. Either way, absolutely no good will come of it.


>The longest I've ever been able to hold a job was about three years. Arbitrary rules and meddling management is like torture to me. Corporate culture is utterly intolerable.

The workplace, especially corporate culture, is specifically designed to discriminate, punish, and ultimately eject Autistic people.

>My present job is as the R&D department. Just me. We should have three people doing my job, but I am an absolute force of nature once something catches my attention.

You 10x engineer you.

>When pushed, I can be an eloquent presenter, a respectable and personable engineer, I can talk to hundreds of strangers at CES and show them the demo. I can do or be whatever is needed, it's just a different mask. But the cost is very steep. After three or four days of CES, it took me months to recover.

Only months? I know better then to go do that sort of thing. Someone else can go do those things. Not me.

>Fundamentally, understand that autistic people are just people. We want to fit in and get along as much as anyone. And if you're on a part of the spectrum where you can be a successful developer, you're probably very aware of your differences and limitations. But no one gave us the book that the rest of you play from. We need clear, well-defined rules with logical, coherent reasoning behind them. If rules don't make sense, they'll be broken when convenient. But if you punish me for breaking a rule I didn't know about, you might as well have killed my dog. Absolute mortal enemy, never forgive, never forget.

Oh, gotta love when you haven't actually broken any rules but you're being punished anyway. Oh man... the story of my life. 


    My present job is as the R&D department. Just me.
Every time I have seen a difficult-to-work-with or autistic person told to be a 1-man R&D department (3 jobs), it has been a way for managers to get that person out of the critical path, limit their communication with others, and allow for them to be the first one let go in a layoff since they are not in a directly revenue-facing role.

I’m sure it’s nice for the person too, but it’s less of an accommodation and more of a sign they would get rid of you if the paperwork overhead was lower.


Thanks for this! Super insightful.


Thank you for sharing! This is really helpful.


Seems clear to me HR keeping you in the dark is intentionally trying to cause a problem. Hanlon's Razor cannot apply when it's specifically their job to manage this. They are probably expecting you to abuse him and get rid of him? You accidentally became aware and ruined their plans. While the target is most likely on his back, you have a target on your forehead if it goes sideways.

By you not being made aware, you get the 'oh I didn't know' excuse. But in my experience middle managers are who take the fall. Some CxO will be able to come in and be the 'I would never treat my employees so poorly, pack your shit middle manager and get out'

Lets also be realistic, you're a manager of at least 1 developer and this is the first time you're dealing with autism? Impossible. It would seem to me you have a hiring practice which is excluding autistic people? Quite a significant portion of developers are autistic. Let me guess, he's practically the only person who accomplishes anything on your team? No insult to others, but I bet he's a 10x engineer. He produces so much that you can't ever lose him? He's your brent from pheonix project?

Being sued, or otherwise legality is difficult to say as it depends where you are. So I won't go there. This is also not a matter of 'both sides', he's the one with a disability and you probably legally must accommodate? You wouldn't say someone in a wheelchair has to change to handle the stairs. But the problem is so dire that you can't ask him for his needs. So this relationship has already failed?

I have bad news for you as well, autism and relationships, yikes. It's probably 99% on you to fix this. this post is a fantastic start, always ask for help when you don't know what to do. You definitely came to the right place if you get what I mean.

You also don't state what is making you crazy. Probably the wrong word? Avoiding the C word most likely is step 1.

What are his challenges? Autism is a spectrum, not everyone has the same challenges.

Personally I find the question, 'what accommodations' a curious one, especially work from home. Before I self-realized autism, my boss seems to have accommodated me completely. My boss is amazing, I suspect a guy who just spent 4 months to buy the perfect fountain pen, might at least understand me if you get my drift...

So what is the accommodation that I want exactly? There's nothing I seem to want.

I suppose this needs to be a chapter in my book, but lets try to figure out some generic catch all accommodations?

Pre-steps, make him aware you are aware of autism and that you will be making changes to make his life easier.

1. Eliminate his need to communicate and social. Make everything entirely optional to him. Get him a virtual personal assistant? I've never had one of those, but perhaps they can translate what he needs. I don't get it personally but I'm not a team player. Not because I can't do it, but because it always goes bad 100% of the time. People HATE you for literally no reason. You are experiencing that right now with him.

2. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pathological_demand_avoidance PDA is something I suffer from. If someone micromanages me, controls what I am doing, or otherwise makes a demand from me? Lol not going to work out. I have no obligations placed on me, but that means I either do it to myself or I get to be productive. When solarwinds had their boondoggle, I decided to code an open source project from scratch to entire replace and eventually be better then what solarwinds ever had. I am incapable of doing nothing, so it's not like I become lazy or something.

3. Sensory issues are already resolved by being a remote worker. That's on him to figure out. The only lightbulbs I can handle is 2700k. For the longest time I had 5000k and I wasn't aware how much psychic damage it was doing to me.

4. routines and no deviation or change. I'm not sure how this applies to you. If you suddenly message him and want a meeting right now and he's doing something. That's not going to work out. If you have a standard meeting window which may not be used. Perhaps you only work with that personal assistant?

5. Some huge puzzle/project for him and only him to work on. Imagine, what could the business use that might currently be too much budget but you think is not an achievable task. If you give him this puzzle to solve. He will deliver the impossible in like a month.

Hopefully these are helpful.




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