> When I was your age I was more lonely than anyone knew. Is anything going on in your life that no one knows about?
I spend my entire working day, and many hours afterward in extracurricular activities, with teenagers. This is a remarkably bad question. None of the questions, to be honest, is very good, but this one in particular would earn you a straight-up blank stare. It’s good to ask kids direct, deep questions, but they have to believe—-like feel in their guts—-that no matter what they tell you, you will still be there for them and you won’t judge them. Especially when kids are doing something they know is dangerous or harmful (like, say, cutting or acting out sexually). And if we’re completely honest, kids are often most afraid of telling their parents about that stuff. I deal with this a lot, in part because of the environment my kids (at school) are growing up in leading to a shitload of trauma and in part because I am one of the adults in the building who truly gives a shit about their mental health and emotional well-being (there aren’t that many of us, unfortunately, out of 120 teachers). The single most common element every case of a kid confiding in me has is terror over what their parent(s) will say/do. So, these questions are, like, not exactly designed to elicit real answers.
The question at the top is a power play, a sales pitch, an ego boost that fakes reciprocity but keeps all the cards.
Notice how the vulnerability is kept in the past. "I used to be lonely, but now I'm fine! I don't need anything from you, but I bet you need something from me!"
It's generally taken as good advice for parents to not rely on their children for emotional support ie: preferring unidirectional emotional regulation as opposed to co-regulation. Emotional co-regulation is seen as being as placing undue burdens on children. Is that what you were referring to or is it something else?
I think parent means something more like "I've faced these problems in the past so I can relate to you" instead of dumping current problems. I guess there is an awkward area where the parent has serious current problems because, as you say, burdening their child with that is also an issue.
It's funny. I read it in an entirely different way.
The way I took it was an invitation to share rather than some expectation or requirement. To me the author regrets having never been asked this question during childhood and learned the lesson, "Take time to ask open-ended questions." I didn't read it as, "demand access to your child's inner thoughts," but I find it interesting that you did.
There certainly are parents who do demand access to their children's inner thoughts l, but I didn't interpret the author as being one of them.
It seems we agree that this behavior from parents is bad, but disagree that the author is advocating for it.
You do you, but how else is a parent's question to be taken? I've never had any interest in sharing the depths of my life with my parents, and I'm in my late 40s. That's not because they're bad people; they're not. But they have always kept their life before me separate from their life after me, and I think that's a two-way street.
I don't need to know about how they hoovered up lines of cocaine and went to fetish parties (I don't really think they did either, but it could have happened and I'd never have known), and they don't need to know what I do with my spare time.
Process of elimination is a very poor strategy for explaining other's behavior. Worse, much worse, than chance in my experience. I find even random selection to be better at behavior explanation over process of elimination.
Among all of the behavioral explaination tactics, I've found asking people to have the best predictive power. To that effect, you would have to ask those parents.
A tangential question then - what do you think or suggest is a good way to reduce that fear on the part of the parent? It kind of sounds like a long term project, as in through most of their lives prior to these teenage years. It seems like a great point you've got and I'm wondering if there's much directly that can be done to improve the situation.
You know, I honestly don’t know. In all the situations I’ve dealt with that involved getting kids into counseling or stuff like that, the parent(s) have been extremely supportive of the kids. It’s like it took going through it once for the kids to realize they don’t have to be afraid of being honest about serious stuff with their parent(s).
On the other hand, I do have kids who are gay who will not, under any circumstances, come out to their parent(s) because of the parent’s homophobia. And I see the damage it does to kids who have and who live with people who basically hate them. So that sort of thing is a tough nut to crack. Maybe it’s just because of my substantive views on sexual orientation, but it strikes me as doing it completely wrong if you hate your own kid because of it.
I guess it also matters that I deal with 9th graders, so they are just in that stage where they’re discovering themselves as people independent of their parents, and they’re afraid of being rejected or punished for things because they haven’t experienced dealing with Serious Life Issues in relation to their parent(s) yet.
These seem so incincere, I can't put my finger on why. Just be interested in what they're interested in, same as how to connect with anyone. Let them tell you about things. Thereby establish you are interested in them as a person and are a good listener. And perhaps critically, don't start out with a view to change them - that requires a great deal of trust willingly placed on their behalf which you haven't earned and will never be able to force.
Genuine conversations don't come about through being scheduled for a sit-down interview in a meeting room or lounge room - especially not when notes are being taken or they're being recorded, even if there are drinks and snacks present. Active listening is more than just storming in with a question and waiting quietly for a response before launching the next barrage.
Real conversations only happen when there's a mutual understanding of how others tick and when the most appropriate time there is to raise a likely-uncomfortable topic. I'm not going to generalise about women, but I can say that for many men, examples of such situations might include when they're out fishing, cycling, playing golf, or just doing any other hobby that allows one to be "distracted" most times with silence.
Silence is very awkward in sit-down situations where you're "forced" to converse, but not if there's another activity as the main alibi. It's okay to go out fishing and not catch a fish. It's okay to go fishing and not say a word. But it's also okay to start talking freely once both parties are ready for it at a future mystery time and location.
I don't know anyone who fishes, bikes, or plays golf. I suspect this is the reason many people are critically lonely. There's just no place to be with other people and talk.
Perhaps women are culturally more comfortable going out for coffee or running errands together. For all the men I know that would be super weird.
Shame. We need to find new ways to just be together.
- Cooking with friends. Doesn't have to be coded female, just ask, if you're all excited about some nice chinese dish or nice cut of beef you got people will vibe with it
- Making music with friends. It takes a really long time, we almost never finish any recordings, and end up just chatting
- Playing dnd with friends (and sitting around drinking afterwards)
- generally, drinking
- card games. We don't bet, but im sure that would work too
Who has the time? We're all grinding to make money. Occasionally I play some online games with friends, but you'd be surprised how many times some of them can't make it because they're working OT to cover child support.
Running errands together means socializing and doing chores at the same time. Anecdotally, I have seen that arrangements among some wen I know - even cleaning one of their house together and next week another house. Mutual help in boring works and socialization at the same time.
Most places calculate it as a percentage of earnings with some other factors included at a single point in time (resetting takes other petitons and seems to rarely happen). But that percentage is translated into a dollar amount and is basically set in stone from that point on. Lost your job? Tough shit, keep paying while you look for a new one.
Now imagine you're deployed and earning hazard pay when they set that initial dollar amount. Then a couple years later you're not earning that same pay because you're in the reserves. Now you have to work OT at your civilian job to make the payments and support yourself because the way the courts handle child support is ridiculous.
You can petition for reevaluation every 3 years. Changing support obligations is not that hard. Changing custody is.
Your scenario is equally real for salespeople. Income is imputed based on last 3 years' earnings. If you get laid off and your spouse abandons you, you're expected to continue paying out based on your peak earnings. If the last few years were good to you, your next few will be hell.
It's not a good system but there aren't really any solutions that can't be gamed by the men.
"You can petition for reevaluation every 3 years."
Yeah, but it's basically at the whim of the judge. As you mentioned the gaming part, it seems they tend to be biased against many adjustments by thinking it's being gamed.
It's absolutely ridiculous to think this is a good system though. In my mind, you're better off letting some gaming occur than to force people into impossible positions. Not to mention, the current system does nothing to curtail the gaming done by the lower income spouse, women who have multiple children from different partners, or true cost of raising the child vs what someone gets.
I think the reason it feels insincere is that most of the questions are not designed to be asked to get the actual opinion of the teenager, they're designed to try and push the asker's opinion onto the teenager. This is quite obviously the case, and any teenager who isn't a simpleton will find the questions incredibly patronising for this reason
What opinion is getting pushed by these extremely open questions?
I can see how many teenagers wouldn't like to openly discuss sex or politics with their parents because they already know what kind of answers their parent want or don't want to hear. But I don't think the article claims that asking a few questions can undo years of bad parenting.
"Your social media and screen use is a problem and you should let me trick you into accepting some restrictions on it" and "you should already have your entire career planned out by now, why don't you, pick something" seem fairly implicit to me from the first three, though you're right about the others. It does seem like they're all kind of pushing the "you should open up to me" angle, though - I feel like that would've been transparent to me and I wouldn't have appreciated it, trying not to talk about these things wasn't an accident of being stuck "in a shell" it was quite a deliberate choice!
asking kids to set their own rules, and then help them stick to those rules is really a much better way than setting rules as a parent without letting the kids have any input. children do have the ability to think and understand what is reasonable. they know that they need to get enough sleep so they are not tired in the morning, etc. so working with them to work out what is reasonable can really empower them and in particular open up an avenue to renegotiate rules that they themselves have chosen.
that's not a fair comparison, because driving and drinking are not rules made by parents.
and for video games, the kids do know the consequences of not doing their homework in school. so they are able to come up with rules that will allow them to complete their homework.
would agree. i don’t have kids myself but often get asked to watch people’s kids for extended times; half the time building trust is just being interested in what they are interested in. not even participating just asking questions and encouraging them to go get excited and share their excitement with you. pay attention, try to learn why they are into something and just share in their excitement.
i won’t try to claim it always works but at least for my experience just being someone who is safe for younger people to share their ideas and thoughts with (starting with the “lighter” thoughts) seems to make the foundation for the kids being more willing to ask the tough questions about life on their own or to listen when you do want to share your own thoughts.
> Just be interested in what they're interested in, same as how to connect with anyone. Let them tell you about things.
Oh, so “just already be good at talking to your kids”. Appreciate the advice.
Seriously, this is for parents that want to do a better job. Your advice isn’t particularly useful as it isn’t specific enough for people that aren’t already connecting with their kids.
Perhaps propose more specific actionable advice. You can’t listen to someone that isn’t talking. What should they ask or share to break the ice?
actionable advice: pay attention to your kids interest. and use what you learn when the situation calls for it.
there is a new movie out that i think you'll enjoy. shall we go watch it?
or, i saw a shop with your favorite style clothes, comics, whatever on sale on the way home. you may want to go check it out...
taking interest in other people means paying attention to things that you can do to help them further their interests.
you should to the same with your partner too, btw, so that when the kids are there you already have practice. and you can also do it with your friends. taking interest is a big factor in any relationship. taking interest means you care about them.
I can say I might have had a meaningful relationship with parents if they were the kind of people to ask some of these questions when I was young. Questions are not trite and do not treat the person as dumb.
But yes asking them the right way requires to adopt this attitude too.
I actually feel like questions should be _genuinely_ discussed earlier than the article suggests; more like tweens minus the virginity question.
I feel as if the feedback would be less obstructed the earlier the discussion takes place. My children are young and we have already had discussions above their age level on a handful of these topics.
There is nothing more insincere then me "being interested" in Harry Potter, Taylor Swift and superhero movies. As in, if insincerity is the worry, the common interest us the worst possible platform. Because, partly I am not interested in stuff teenagers are into now, which is normal for someone of my age. And partly because teenagers seeks to create own identity so me going into there would kinda destroyed it for them.
Its not incincere if you actually find something interesting. And believe me, there are interesting things in everything. Every time ive dismissed something as not interesting (astrology, tarot etc) it's closed off parts of my relationship with people. Sure I thought they were dumb superstition for dumb people. They can immediately tell that from my body language. It's almost as though having that kind of attitude about anything is unwise.
Turns out when I get them to tell me about it without judgement, and show enough humility that they open up to me, they get excited about the things they love, and then you can't help but be a bit excited too. You get a better sense how what they think and how they think, which usually leads to genuinely good bits.
why is taking interest in what others like insincere? if i ask a little kid to tell me about their favorite cartoon character, is that insincere too? if my wife wants us to watch a romantic movie together, am i being insincere if i don't dismiss it as uninteresting?
being interested in what other people enjoy is not insincere at all. it is in fact required if we want to build any sort of relationship with them.
you don't have to like it. and you don't have to watch all of it. but you can take an interest without being insincere.
I think the target audience for these questions are people that have been afraid of having these conversations with their kids. The article and questions are there to give the hesitant parent permission to have deeper conversations than, "How was school today?"
A million times this. Even if the parents aren’t necessarily authoritarian, kids can still be deeply afraid of confiding in their parent(s) when they’re doing something that they feel their parents will judge them for. Teenagers feel like they’re being judged from the outside all the time. They worry so much (consciously or not) about what other people think of them. To have it come from home too can just be too much.
Seriously. If either of my parents had asked me this when I was a teenager, my brain would have immediately gone into overdrive trying to figure out what they already knew about, what they suspected, and how best to keep my secrets secret.
I feel like teenage me might have answered most of these, with varying levels of honesty, but is any kid answering "What’s the best way for someone to lose their virginity?"? Yeah, don't ask that one.
The math is relatively simple, but the social/political/macroeconomical policy influences to wages, interest rates, property values are non-trivial and probably require a brief incursion into basic economics before a fruitful discussion could be held.
Otherwise, just tell them the lie that you can own a home if you work hard for 30+ years.
that assumes that property ownership is something everyone should want, so it is a leading question. better ask if they think that owning a house is important. you can have a much more open conversation that way. if they say yes, then ask how and when they would think they would achieve that.
Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to.
If you're still breathing, it's never too late to start a trust...to ensure that their dream of homeownership is not achieved through inheritance powder.
Wow a lot of these seem like stupid questions that would make your teen less likely to talk to you. Asking some manufactured question seems like bullshit, and most will see through it. Why not just talk about sincere things?
What do you feel about what’s happening to our planet?
Teenagers are thinking lots about climate change, and many of them, says Hannah, are quite terrified about what’s happening, so it can be really helpful to talk it through. “We need to take action – this is a very serious situation – but you don’t want your child to be fearful the whole time that we’re on the verge of extinction,” she says. Listen to their concerns and be ready to talk about what people can do to make a difference.
Hm ... take action ... extinction ... talk. That shall help.
(Note that the link claims to go to a .jpg file, but actually opens the full reddit UI with cookie wall and the whole shebang. Edit: I had a temporary reupload in here, but since that reupload is temporary and HN comments can be edited for only 2 hours nowadays, well, it's been nearly two hours so I need to remove it now to prevent this comment having a permanently broken link. /edit)
Also, I don't get what you're trying to say by posting a few random words and a link to a comic. Tentatively trying to read something into it: that there is no fixing the problem and we should make "your child to be fearful the whole time that we’re on the verge of extinction"?
Many individuals neglect to address climate change (or rather overshoot), often shifting blame while maintaining their consumption habits. For instance, despite knowing its significant environmental impact, most people are reluctant to reduce meat consumption, risking a bleak future for their offspring. This inaction and mere talk reflect a hypocritical stance, as people avoid making meaningful contributions to climate solutions, ultimately burdening future generations with the problem.
It's a great question for adults. What is crazy about tons of these questions is that the same problems embedded under the surface are completely mismanaged by many/most adults, and civilization as a whole.
Hey, teenager, can you solve the problem where entrenched rich interests refuse to reform the world for our basic survial? Yeah, we can't, and in fact in the last 40 years, we've given the elite so much money and power that under our generational leadership we've made the problem(s) even worse.
I spend my entire working day, and many hours afterward in extracurricular activities, with teenagers. This is a remarkably bad question. None of the questions, to be honest, is very good, but this one in particular would earn you a straight-up blank stare. It’s good to ask kids direct, deep questions, but they have to believe—-like feel in their guts—-that no matter what they tell you, you will still be there for them and you won’t judge them. Especially when kids are doing something they know is dangerous or harmful (like, say, cutting or acting out sexually). And if we’re completely honest, kids are often most afraid of telling their parents about that stuff. I deal with this a lot, in part because of the environment my kids (at school) are growing up in leading to a shitload of trauma and in part because I am one of the adults in the building who truly gives a shit about their mental health and emotional well-being (there aren’t that many of us, unfortunately, out of 120 teachers). The single most common element every case of a kid confiding in me has is terror over what their parent(s) will say/do. So, these questions are, like, not exactly designed to elicit real answers.