We had a party this summer, my wife turned 50 and we wanted to host a party in our house for all our friends. We thought it would be a blast but there were problems.
First problem, we don't really have that many friends. Back in the day, it felt natural to invite anyone you remotely knew but today, not so much. So, only those that we had some kind of deeper relationship got on the list, in total maybe 30 people or so, almost all couples.
Second problem, we have moved around so a fair number of those we wanted to invite do not live in the same city as us. This meant travelling for them but many were fine to do it, however it gave rise to two other problems.
Third problem. Back in the day when there were parties, people could drop by and so it didn't feel it had to be so ambitious, but now since people were travelling, we have to have a proper dinner party. Lots of cost, lots of arrangements, not something that I want to do very often.
Fourth problem. Back in the day, there wasn't a day tomorrow. At the age of 50. there's always a day tomorrow. We had bought alcohol as if we were 20 but with the economy of two DINKs (they've moved out). Maybe 20% was consumed because "there's a day tomorrow as well", and frankly quite a few were travelling so they did indeed have to be able to drive reasonably early.
It's just very different having parties at the age of 50 compared to 20, it can't be the same thing, at least not in our circle and I'm quite sad for it.
I am currently reading '30 lessons for living' by Karl Pillemer and one chapter is about aging fearlessly and well. Most elderly realized in hindsight that they imagined being old as a terrible thing. They feared getting older by the age of 40 because they felt what you describe: life seems to get more serious and more boring. Friends don't want to party like they used to do.
One of the advices of the chapter was the following:
4. Stay connected. Take seriously the threat of social isolation in middle age and beyond, and make conscious efforts beginning in middle age to stay connected through new learning opportunities and relationships.
I am currently trying to adapt that to my own situation. 31yo post 2 years of Corona isolation. I just signed up for volunteer work and a rowing club and life feels fun again :)
Yes, this is very true. My experience is that as you get older you make fewer new contacts. It's not illogical, at first there is school, then university, then kids. All of these are excellent at making new friends but once the kids get old enough you stop naturally meet people outside of work, at least you have to put in some work for it to happen. I realized the other week that if I would not have my wife, it would easily be weeks between having a somewhat deep discussion with anyone outside of work. It's a terrifying thought.
This was a really thoughtful response, thanks for sharing it.
As a 35 year old who's just had his first kids this makes me sad to read, it really feels like I'm past the age of good parties now.
Pre-covid we were having raucous times every weekend and now there's too much responsibility to imagine that again. And I'm probably getting towards the age where it'd be a bit sad to still do that anyway.
FWIW one place I've lived that seems to care little about age in the party scene is Madrid. Plenty of nights you're just as likely to be partying with 60 year olds as 25 year olds.
> ...care little about age in the party scene is Madrid. Plenty of nights you're just as likely to be partying with 60 year olds as 25 year olds.
Same in Ireland. Funnily enough the party scene there also includes many Spaniards of all ages, as well as an overrepresentation of Greeks and Italians.
Wherever I go in Europe, if I go to a party I know it's likely I'll meet someone from one of those four countries there.
Where in Ireland? And to be fair there's loads of Spanish and Brazilian students here (they tell me it's a good place to practice English, or was before the housing crisis), which does help keep the place lively
I don't go out a lot but in fairness I remember back in the day seeing plenty of post-60 people up late and out and about.
I meant Belfast specifically, and across Ulster more generally (Derry and Donegal would be hotspots), but I know there's good and multi-national craic in at least Cork and Galway as well. Might be less in the Pale but I don't really know; I just take my not knowing to mean it must not be there as strongly or otherwise I'd hear about it.
Re: the students, that's true but there are also plenty of students from other parts of the world (Britain, China, India, and France especially) and it's been my experience that they tend to focus more on their studies than having the craic, and that they return home immediately after their studies, whereas I see more and more of the aforementioned either settling down in Ireland or taking a romantic partner away with them if they do return home.
This is all anecdotal of course and I know this is HN where data is king, but sure it's good to spin a yarn for the sake of it sometimes as well.
I live in the Netherlands myself these days and I always find it striking when I go to bars or cafes that all of the tables are filled with people who all look like each other, same ages and social backgrounds etc., even gender, and that the people from one table rarely mix with another -- this is just about the polar opposite of what I grew up expecting a drinking establishment to look like.
If/when you're in Amsterdam and into punk rock dive bars, Cafe The Minds is mixed and diverse and inclusive, unlike the other boring uniform venues you describe. It's not the only exception that proves the rule, but some of the other wonderfully mixed venues like Korsakoff have closed long ago or during Covid, unfortunately. In the gay scene, de Trut is still going strong every Sunday night, and is totally welcoming and inclusive to different types, genders, ages, social status, etc!
Thanks for the tip, I'll be sure to check it out if I'm up that way!
Didn't mean to suggest that the Netherlands didn't have friendly or inclusive places, hope it didn't come across that way.
It's just that in Ireland I know I can go out alone and end up back at someone's house at the end of the night. In most "normal bars" here (doe normaal hoor!) out even just at a bus stop, say, when I try to talk to strangers they look at me like I'm interrupting them. Which is fair enough, just a cultural difference.
I remember sitting in a bar in Dublin and getting absolutely put to shame by a few little old ladies. I think they sank at least two beers for every one of mine. The bartender would just look over when their glasses got low, they'd give a tiny nod, and he'd start pouring more.
First problem, we don't really have that many friends. Back in the day, it felt natural to invite anyone you remotely knew but today, not so much. So, only those that we had some kind of deeper relationship got on the list, in total maybe 30 people or so, almost all couples.
Second problem, we have moved around so a fair number of those we wanted to invite do not live in the same city as us. This meant travelling for them but many were fine to do it, however it gave rise to two other problems.
Third problem. Back in the day when there were parties, people could drop by and so it didn't feel it had to be so ambitious, but now since people were travelling, we have to have a proper dinner party. Lots of cost, lots of arrangements, not something that I want to do very often.
Fourth problem. Back in the day, there wasn't a day tomorrow. At the age of 50. there's always a day tomorrow. We had bought alcohol as if we were 20 but with the economy of two DINKs (they've moved out). Maybe 20% was consumed because "there's a day tomorrow as well", and frankly quite a few were travelling so they did indeed have to be able to drive reasonably early.
It's just very different having parties at the age of 50 compared to 20, it can't be the same thing, at least not in our circle and I'm quite sad for it.