Thanks for the considered reply. I don’t think it would be cold and I don’t think I would have such a visceral reaction. I think the offhand tone implies a kind of misplaced confidence and shutting down of conversation - almost contempt - which is not a good way to start a conversation.
You're completely right. The offhand tone many have adopted is how they might react to a purely technical piece, rather than someone's genuine pain exposed to their view. It would, after all, not be wildly out of place to react to a technically detailed root cause analysis document by questioning some of its assertions that struck readers as overreaching.
For my own part, when I find myself reacting to someone's tone I sometimes find it valuable to pause and consider why they would adopt it. It can help me separate the other person's tone from the real, valid, lived experience that is my internal emotional reaction.
Empathy cannot just be a thing I demand of others.
That makes sense. Regarding your final sentence - I guess I felt that for me it’s been the other way round. I feel that in most HN discussions I had silently been empathetic and not demanded any level of empathy from anyone, and clearly that was not going to work in this instance.
My key has been to engage my empathy for everyone concerned. To read an article and engage my empathy for the author and the pain some know all too well is a necessary step. Yet to assume that all other readers will do the same is perhaps a opportunity to engage in empathy for them and how different their lives might have been.
I find I'm often surprised by the actions and reactions of people I have put minimal effort into empathizing with. Sometimes I find their unexpected warmth welcoming, or their callous coldness a sickening contrast.
Some - like myself - have a learned aversion to anything that tries too hard and too overtly to tug on my heartstrings.
