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Something that I would include with the apology part (the text may have covered this and I missed it) is that apologies don't have but's.

"I'm sorry I funded Wikimedia Antarctica but..."

Everything you say after the but negates everything you say before it and now you're only trying to justify your actions. Simply, "I'm sorry I funded Wikimedia Antarctica." and proceed to describe what you learned: "I neglected to look at relevant data before doing so. I see how that affected my thinking and I'm committed to doing that in future deals."

I can't stress how much more impactful my apologies have become with people simply by leaving out that "but". Even my relationship with my wife has improved because of it and I've noticed she's started to leave off the "but's" as well, which really makes me appreciate her apologies a whole lot more.




People confuse explanations with excuses. It's okay to provide an explanation as long as you're not excusing the thing you did was wrong. For example:

"I apologize for shouting at you. I was short on sleep and frustrated about something else. I was wrong to take out my frustration on you."

vs:

"I apologize for shouting at you but I was tired and frustrated."

An explanation can make the apology stronger because it demonstrates that you realize what it is you're apologizing for.


My wife and I follow that and have tried to teach it to our kids. An apology with a ‘but’ isn’t an apology.

Two more worth thinking about: Explain vs. excuse. While your feelings and justifications may explain your bad behavior they do not excuse it.

Not your fault, but still your problem. The (wrong) idea that an unexpected circumstance can excuse bad behavior, because it’s not your fault.


> These elements are required for your acknowledgement to be also valid as apology, see Apology#Which elements should be included in an apology for the details.

https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Apology#Which_elements_shoul...

> When the offender takes full responsibility for one's wrongdoing, a simple statement saying "I am sorry." may help build the trust. This is particularly true if there is a story of good relationship with the offender; In most cases however, it will be insufficient.

It doesn't explicitly address "I'm sorry, but..." phrasing, but does suggest limiting apologies to specifically acknowledging what was done (and the pain it caused), accepting responsibility, and expressing regret.


I make an effort to do this too, I've found that it's made me more cynical of apologies on occasion. I almost feel like I'm waiting for a "but".




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