To any readers contemplating a divorce in a marriage with children: please, PLEASE reconsider.
Divorce has multi-generational effects that reverberate far beyond the relationship of you and your spouse. I am in a marriage with four kids and my in-laws are divorced. MY marriage and family life is exponentially more difficult because of my in-laws' divorce. E.g. think holidays are hard? Just wait until you have to simultaneously manage holidays with kids while not insulting your in-laws with who gets time when.
Don't @ me with "but what about the wife-beater junkie?!" Yes, safety and sanity of course require separation in cases. But barring safety and the extremes, remember that any "other spouse" out there likewise has flaws and will also change with the passage of time. Also, you are likely very flawed and suck in many ways that only relationships will bring to surface. There is no such thing as a perfect spouse because there is a common weakness that will be brought to each relationship: YOU.
Lastly, lest you think of marriage as just a relationship with two people, have some bloody perspective on our species and society and realize that the stability of society will come from each new generation. Stability is not built into human civilization; it is won by blood, sweat, and tears. One of the greatest indicators of success in a child, in the future who you depend on, is a stable two-parent household.
EDIT:
I'm not advocating that people stay in abusive relationships. I am aware of how common abuse can be. I am also not advocating that you just "stick it out" while fighting like dogs for decades.
What I am advocating for is for spouses in a strained relationship not to consider divorce a solution that removes a problem from their life. Put in the work (which may a long time!) to see if you can make it work.
What can happen very often is that divorce removes the problem from the spouses and places the burden of the problem onto the children.And then, of course, the children cannot complain about it because it is the child's fault that they have issues with their parents divorce (which is always very friendly and amicable).
My parents are amicably divorced/remarried, as are (obviously) the parents of my step-sisters. The parents of my stepmoms also divorced and remarried. Our lives are all so much better because of it.
Yes, managing holidays with a complicated family is complicated, but that's really a minor inconvenience. Me and my step-sisters have two sets of stable parents that we can go to if we need help, and an even larger support network of aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. beyond them. Our parents are much happier and that in turn gives them more energy to be supportive. No matter how unusual a problem, there's almost always someone in my extended family who has experience with it and advice.
Divorce doesn't have to make life less stable. It can make life richer and more stable. If you care about the children but the marriage isn't working, it's better to divorce while you're still capable of co-parenting than wait until you're constantly arguing and can't stand the sight of each other. That's part of fighting for stability as well.
No one thinks that divorce with kids is easy. But your examples don't make much sense. You don't stay in a bad marriage so that holidays would be easier.
> One of the greatest indicators of success in a child, in the future who you depend on, is a stable two-parent household.
I don't disagree. But you again miss the point. The reason people get divorce is because there's no stable household. Two-parent household doesn't automatically mean stable household.
My point isn't "stick it out even though there is no stable household".
My point is you better work on your marriage, on creating a stable household, like your life depends on your marriage before ending it, because your children's life may very well depend on it.
Work to achieve that stable household like you've never worked for anything else before. Go to therapy. Form new habits. Make sacrifices in your schedules to give your spouse what they need. Try and try again and see what works. Because your not just fighting for you, your fighting for your kids.
P.S. given that I am in a marriage that is approaching a decade in length, I can assure you that I know just how shitty things can get in a relationship between two people :-)
There has been this movement in the west, where parents are increasingly expected to sacrifice their happiness on the altar of ever diminishing benefits to their children.
You should make every reasonable effort to salvage your marriage, but you should NOT sacrifice your happiness and stay in a failed marriage just for the sake of your children. Your duty as a parent is to love them, keep them safe, and live your life as best you can.
Child of divorce here: Thank god my parents split. Knowing them both as adults, it’s sort of hysterical that they were ever together in the first place. They were happier people separate, and I would like to think that helped them raise happier kids, even if I had to swap houses.
Stability is not impossible in divorce; in fact, it can be easier, depending on the marriage.
Meh, my parents didn't get along and I'm glad they separated. Some parents are immature and want to use children against the other spouse, I think this speaks to a greater overall problem in our society that interferes with people from maturing into adults by the time they are actually adults.
Just a personal anecdote to consider - if my sister had stayed together for the kids, she'd likely be dead at the hands of her ex by now. There are just some abusive relationships that must be terminated, kids or not. The abuse factor is more common than you may think, as most people are ashamed of it, so don't mention it to others when splitting up.
I'm not advocating that people stay in abusive relationships. I am aware of how common abuse can be. My original comment said "safety and sanity of course require separation in cases."
What I am advocating for is for spouses in a strained relationship not to consider divorce a solution that removes a problem from their life.
What can happen very often is that it removes the problem from the spouses and places the burden of the problem onto the children.
And then, of course, the children cannot discuss it because it is the child's fault that they have issues with their parents divorce (which is always very friendly and amicable).
Divorce has multi-generational effects that reverberate far beyond the relationship of you and your spouse. I am in a marriage with four kids and my in-laws are divorced. MY marriage and family life is exponentially more difficult because of my in-laws' divorce. E.g. think holidays are hard? Just wait until you have to simultaneously manage holidays with kids while not insulting your in-laws with who gets time when.
Don't @ me with "but what about the wife-beater junkie?!" Yes, safety and sanity of course require separation in cases. But barring safety and the extremes, remember that any "other spouse" out there likewise has flaws and will also change with the passage of time. Also, you are likely very flawed and suck in many ways that only relationships will bring to surface. There is no such thing as a perfect spouse because there is a common weakness that will be brought to each relationship: YOU.
Lastly, lest you think of marriage as just a relationship with two people, have some bloody perspective on our species and society and realize that the stability of society will come from each new generation. Stability is not built into human civilization; it is won by blood, sweat, and tears. One of the greatest indicators of success in a child, in the future who you depend on, is a stable two-parent household.
EDIT:
I'm not advocating that people stay in abusive relationships. I am aware of how common abuse can be. I am also not advocating that you just "stick it out" while fighting like dogs for decades.
What I am advocating for is for spouses in a strained relationship not to consider divorce a solution that removes a problem from their life. Put in the work (which may a long time!) to see if you can make it work.
What can happen very often is that divorce removes the problem from the spouses and places the burden of the problem onto the children.And then, of course, the children cannot complain about it because it is the child's fault that they have issues with their parents divorce (which is always very friendly and amicable).