Ask HN: Any tips on optimizing this landing page?

angusgr · on March 23, 2011

It has nothing to do with coding, software, or any other facets of tech startups

I'd be quite interested if it turns out you had a hand in making the product yourself, as opposed to just branding someone else's product. Did you?

My notes:

- The product photo links to a photo hosting site.

- The heading text image is a link that goes back to the same page, which is irritating. No need for a link there.

- I suspect you shouldn't be misquoting a real person (Arnie), even as a joke.

- There's no closing quotation mark, at least not in Chrome. The text renders a bit awkwardly wrt horizontal whitespace.

- Apart from the colour scheme, there doesn't seem to be any connection between the style and branding on the product shot and the style and branding of the page.

- I have NFI who your target market is, but faux-insulting me with poorly written copy was a complete turnoff in my case. I found the premise somewhat offensive. It did remind me that I need to buy some more of the brand of face scrub I use, though (which is marketed at men but the only real marketing gimmick is the usual all-natural-aromatherapy-blah BS).

- I don't normally respond well to targeted "men's" advertising so maybe my dislike is not a good sample, but IMHO you should put some more time into (a) deciding who your target market is (b) deciding what your message to them is apart from "nah ne nah you're a girl" and (c) putting together some smoother written copy.

My 2c, anyhow.

angusgr · on March 23, 2011

(Still on my mind) The thing about playfully insulting people in advertising is that IMHO you really need to do it well and cleverly, preferably as a subtext. For the ultimate example, see Isaiah Mustafa on a horse.

morrow · on March 23, 2011

Gut reactions - is chiefs-skincare.com available? I'd get that and forward the current url there as it's more clear. I was seriously confused what I was geting into while the page loaded, almost closed the tab, not sure if people would be dismayed from clicking because of this.

- Lotion photo says 2010 on it (minor nit) _unless you meant Established 2010, in which case I'd use that or est. instead.

- Clean layout is nice, visually appealing -- I like the use of whitespace.

- Couldn't care less about the stereotypical "be a man, buy X product" copy, but I understand for some reason that goes with the territory these days. Maybe stretch the hyperbole even further / incorporate the chief in there somehow to stand out.

- I'm guessing with the domain (skincare) and the phrase "launching soon", you aren't only going to sell "Citrus Gel Face Wash". I'd reference this somewhere, because as it is now, it looks like a landing page for a single product, which is less interesting than a new line of products, or even better, a new philosophy to approaching the men's skin care industry.

- emphasize the "order now, get a 15% discount option" (I've only now noticed it on my 5th tab / back and forth)

- Get rid of the Arnold quote, I'd only use actual testimonials here or at least if it's going to be comedic, make it relevant. "Chief Face wash saved my marriage" or "Chief's Products give me so much energy, I don't sleep. Ever." that type of stuff. The girlie man quote is too large, prominent, and irrelevant to make sense to me.

- Final message - get rid of the "take off your dress" as the ending quote. It's funny up front, because you're "catching" the consumer in the act of using girly face wash, and "correcting" their mistake. However, when trying to presumably capture their e-mail, _ending_ with that quote is overly negative, and the fact you are repeating yourself doesn't help. I would end with positive copy here, like "So {ditch the dress}, and get energized with Chief's. Sign up right now and we'll take 15% off your first purchase with us! [email input].

- Speaking of "take off the dress", this is also a minor nit and a bit of a silly point, but doesn't "take off that dress" sound at least a little bit sexual to you? I understand the sentiment, but there has got to be a better way to say that haha.

Hope this helps, and remember it's just 1 dude's opinion. Best of luck.