This wasn't ''bad'' per se, and as an aspiring indie author I've faced the same issues so can empathise.
But an excerpt full of constant "I" and "He" really trips up the flow and is a classic newbie author mistake (the first novella I wrote had an identical problem and was almost unreadable). Plenty of issues with sentence structure too; random example "Mr. Meade suggested, and I groaned." (stuck between two pieces of speech by Meade).
There is a strange and magical skill to making the words of a story flow properly. She doesn't seem to be there yet, but it takes time.
Also; copyeditors you don't know (i.e. not family & friends) are crucial :D
This wasn't ''bad'' per se, and as an aspiring indie author I've faced the same issues so can empathise.
But an excerpt full of constant "I" and "He" really trips up the flow and is a classic newbie author mistake (the first novella I wrote had an identical problem and was almost unreadable). Plenty of issues with sentence structure too; random example "Mr. Meade suggested, and I groaned." (stuck between two pieces of speech by Meade).
There is a strange and magical skill to making the words of a story flow properly. She doesn't seem to be there yet, but it takes time.
Also; copyeditors you don't know (i.e. not family & friends) are crucial :D