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If you are willing to wade in gray, you can make a virtual machine Mac for this.

given iMessage's DRM looks superficially to stretch down to the silicon, I'm wondering if a hackintosh or VM actually solves the problem here...

At the moment there are still supported Macs without hardware security, a Macbook Pro 2013 for example. It should work OK for the time being.

As someone actively blocked by Apple's restrictions on development, care to share a link to an up-to-date, working guide on how to do this?

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