Ask HN: How to deal with difficult subordinates as a manager?

[ethanpil]

I don't believe myself to be a difficult person or an overbearing manager. I certainly have goals that my team needs to accomplish and I work hard to listen to others and objectively hear out their opinions and ideas. I give credit where its due, praise my team members and generally try to be a good boss,leader, motivator, guide, example and team player...

In the past year or so, one of my subordinates has for some reason become very abrasive and difficult. When we are with others, my teammember will be very professional, but one on one will make snarky comments and backhanded insults, or just say things that are outright rude, or sit quietly and then when asked why, will imply that things will be my way because that's the only way.

I have been managing for years and never felt that I had a poor relationship with a teammate. I'm truly disturbed and trying to figure out how to handle it. I've done lots of introspection and I really do not believe I deserve this antagonistic attitude and every time I have tried to make things better, by opening a safe conversation, praising my colleague, etc., things seem to get worse.

Unfortunately, I can't simply fire or transfer this person for many complex reasons, and anyway, I prefer to work it out, and learn from the experience.

What (detailed) advice do the wise manager-readers of HN have for me?

[ordu]

I'm not a manager, but I'm an undergraduate in a psychology. While studying psychology I was advised to try at least once psychological consultation on myself in a role of a client. I did, I've discussed a lot of things with a consultant, but the most striking question for me from a consultant was "did you asked him?" It was about some situation like yours.

If you didn't asked such a downright questions to a people before, that there is a little advise from me.

1. Asking him describe his behavior, not his personal traits or motives. He could be offended personally if you said something wrong about his traits, and it wouldn't improve the situation. If you need to refer to his possible traits or motives, keep in mind that it is all your hypotheses and they are all wrong, because you couldn't make sense of the situation, i.e. they do not describe a reality.

2. Describe him what you feel. Don't forget to mention your emotions, it helps tremendously. Judging by your text, I suppose that it could be something along the lines: I'm trying to do my job good, to be nice with people, I want a good relationships with others and you personally. I need a good relationships with you, but it seems that I failed with that, I'm disappointed and sad, I couldn't understand what I did wrong.

3. Express your hope to find a good resolution of this situation, and let him talk his mind.

Of course, it should be done in a friendly manner, without threats. If your verbal skills allow you to nicely affirm him that there would be no bad consequences for him in any case, that you seek how you could improve yourself, not to harm him, than you probably should do it.

It doesn't help you to become friends with him, probably, but at very least it could make him conscious about his behavior without offending him futher, and he would change it likely. Hopefully it would be a change for a better. :)

[NonEUCitizen]

Did you discuss this at a 1:1 with the person?

As to introspection, perhaps some more is called for. You refer to your colleagues as "subordinates" and think of yourself as "boss, leader..."

That's not the proper mindset to be successful as a manager in high tech. You're there to clear hurdles for individual contributors who are more technical than you (if they're not, you are either a junior manager managing even more junior engineers, or your company does not have a technical track to attract/retain good engineers), so that they can do their jobs more efficiently.

[ethanpil → NonEUCitizen]

I understand where you are coming from, and certainly my goal is to exactly "to clear hurdles for individual contributors who are more technical than you." It happens to be that this case specifically is not about a technical / developer role.

Still, ultimately I am responsible for the team's output and the team's utility to the organization as a whole. Without that concept, then what exactly are we doing here?

[qetuo13579]

You can’t be a manager and a team member. To the direct you’ll always be the boss with a big flashing sign on your forehead.

Your direct is professional with the team and I presume still achieves good results?

Through one on ones don’t bother find out why their behavior is the way it is. You’re not a psychologist. Focus on the behaviors. What they say, how they say it, facial expressions, body language, their actions and work product. Constantly give both positive and negative feedback to gently steer your directs in the right direction. “When you make rude comments like that, it makes me think that you don’t respect me and I hesitate to ask for your input on the direction of the team. Could you please change this?”

One other suggestion is that whenever you offer your directs a choice, your must always be prepared to honour their choice. Never overrule them. If you want input to help you make a decision, make sure you are clear that you aren’t asking them to decide, only to provide an opinion. Build trust by giving choices and then honouring them.