If it’s any comfort the alternative doesn’t turn out much better. Most of my life I looked down on prurient interests and instead chose to master my profession, convinced it had to be the smart choice.
Now I find myself on the wrong side of 30 with a collection of useless money and assets slowly coming to accept that I’ll never have that ideal lifelong relationship with someone that matters. Soon I’ll have more years behind me than there are ahead and anyone I find will never have the shared experience of being with me during my prime years. They can never be a life partner now, they are simply a partner joining me as I age and go downhill from here.
I wish I had spent more time on the hunt when I still had my entire life ahead of me. So if that’s what you did, don’t worry, it works out better in the end.
I think you are selling yourself short. I personally know people who have gotten married for the first time after 40 (and are now in their 60's) -- and are very happy.
It's not too late, and most people will spend most of their adult life above 30. The only thing that is better about being under 30 is less wear and tear on the body.
You have already figured out that money and stuff aren't the things that really matter, and that's worth a lot. I encourage you to keep looking.
Find someone who interests you, who is of similar age and experience -- someone who has also figured out that money and stuff aren't what matters. Yeah, you'll probably try multiple times and find that it doesn't work out (for whatever reason). But if you have reasonable expectations, keep trying, and honestly look for someone to give your love too, there's a good chance you'll find them.
One thing that might help is to find ways to serve others -- in a way that does not benefit you (except the satisfaction of really helping someone). Pick a charity or an organization that is doing something that interests you, but also benefits others. That could be a good way to find someone who cares about the same things you do.
Or just find a group that has events related to a hobby you have, or a sport that interests you -- anything casual and low-to-no-pressure, but is still an "in person" thing.
Worst case you do help some other people, and/or have some fun doing hobbies/sports/etc. Best case you find someone you want so spend the rest of your life with. I think it is worth the effort. so I encourage you not to give up.
> If it’s any comfort the alternative doesn’t turn out much better. Most of my life I looked down on prurient interests and instead chose to master my profession, convinced it had to be the smart choice.
> Soon I’ll have more years behind me than there are ahead and anyone I find will never have the shared experience of being with me during my prime years. They can never be a life partner now, they are simply a partner joining me as I age and go downhill from here.
You have it all wrong. Your "prime" is what you make of it. Thinking that someone couldn't be a lifelong partner because they entered your life past your prime will only set you up for unhappiness. I don't know you but I truly hope you do find someone whom you feel you can call a life partner.
There is perhaps a wrong side of 65, but I don’t think there’s a wrong side of 30.
I met my wife when I was 34 (married when I was 39) and I can’t imagine anyone I’d rather spend my life with. The only downsides are we’ll be a little older than average at college graduations, will be tired helping out with any grandkids, and are unlikely to celebrate a 75th wedding anniversary, but the game is far from over.
You’re not even to halftime yet... The grass is pretty damn green on your side, too.
What is tough with happiness is that the more things you have the harder it is to achieve. Or a perspective that effectively erase the chance of being allowed to be happy.
My own path was to start dancing, a tough one like argentine tango, since it requires full mental awareness. Which in effect means that you always come home with a grin from side to side. This will be true with any form of activity that actually makes you focus.
You always have the rest of your life ahead of you, it's up to you to make something meaningful out of it. Don't set out to find a partner but rather your passion (that involves other human beings not computers), and love will find you. And as others wrote, it's a bit of luck involved, but you have to give luck a chance to strike you.
I guess it's never too late, regretting stuff is always a downward spiral.
More than that. In my mid-40s I had a weird back/neurological problem and spent several futile years with physios, osteopaths and chiropractors. Then I started going to a gym where an assistant recommended tango. The back problem soon cleared-up.
For me it solved the puzzle of the meaning of life. After a couple of years I had a dance where everything just flowed perfectly. I clearly remember the feeling of 'dying' and being 'reborned'. That is now my point of reference going forward.
Because if you've taken good care of yourself throughout all these years, you can definitely get yourself a great life partner.
If not, then you might have to work on it.
Either way, change your outlook if you want to attract quality. People with options won't want to voluntarily subject themselves to this persona, it's miserable, learn to love yourself.
The combination of good health and fitness, financial stability, no debt, no kids, no divorce, is exponentially increasingly rare and desirable with age. It's a hell of a catch, a damn unicorn.
When I was in my 20s I found fit cougars undesirable as all hell, in my 40s now when I see a fit single woman over 35 without any kids, no divorce, no drama or evidence of crazy, I get very interested. It's the same for women. If you make it into your late 30s and beyond without getting trapped with a bunch of baggage and are in great health, you've dodged multiple bullets! You just have to put yourself out there and meet members of the opposite sex (or same if that's your preference) who are in a similar position and discover your real prime years.
My guess is some HNers who have taken on said baggage but haven't yet found themselves single again are having difficulty agreeing there's a substantial disadvantage to having it, should they be back on the market. The reality is it severely limits your options the more there is.
Now I find myself on the wrong side of 30 with a collection of useless money and assets slowly coming to accept that I’ll never have that ideal lifelong relationship with someone that matters. Soon I’ll have more years behind me than there are ahead and anyone I find will never have the shared experience of being with me during my prime years. They can never be a life partner now, they are simply a partner joining me as I age and go downhill from here.
I wish I had spent more time on the hunt when I still had my entire life ahead of me. So if that’s what you did, don’t worry, it works out better in the end.