Ask HN: How to not feel bad/guilty about quitting the current job for a break?

[throwawaydave07]

Using a throwaway account for obvious reasons. I am a 28 year old developer working in New York at one of the big tech companies for the last several years. Lately I am finding myself burnt out and in poor health both physically and mentally and all around miserable. I have lost joy in a lot of things in life including the work. I recognized work being a key thing contributing to this and made the decision to quit my job, take 2-3 months off just mentally recovering and improving my physical health and then finding a new job at another company- likely a startup instead of another megacorp.

I have enough money saved up that I could afford to not do anything for many years and live off my savings if I wanted. I am single with no house, no kids or responsibilities and a simple lifestyle, the most expensive thing I own is my $2500 desktop.

However as I get closer to handing in my resignation the more self-doubt is creeping in. The thing is this job pays incredibly well and I feel guilty quitting it to take an extended break without having anything lined up. Another thing is that I have been working basically non-stop since I was 16-17 so the idea of taking 2-3 months off for myself is also making me feel bad and guilty. Moreover I see people who are much worse off then me who continue to grind and that makes me feel even more guilty for doing this.

I imagine there are many here who might have been in similar situations and can share their story and offer advice. I would love to hear your thoughts on this What should I do and how do I stop feeling like shit for considering this?

[saluki]

You need a 1 to 2 week vacation.

Sounds like you have a great job, those are tough to find.

Take 1 week or 2 off, unplug and see how you feel after that.

You can probably recharge quite a bit in 1 week or 2. Vs. worrying about what you're doing next.

If that doesn't work, see if you could take 1 month off paid or unpaid and travel.

It might be a good idea to see a life coach or therapist too just to explore what you're feeling.

Good luck.

[sharmi → saluki]

This is the best advice. Take baby steps. From my perspectiv, 1 week is too short a time to fully assimilate the difference. See how you feel after 2 weeks of total disconnect from the job. Are you feeling relaxed and unwinded? Then the job is the stressor. Else, the source is somewhere else, though the job might also be a contributing factor.

How do you feel after joining again? Do you feel energetic/normal and interested in tackling office work? Then all you need to do is take care not to work 80 hour weeks and take an occasional long vacation.

Back from vacation, do you start dreading going to office more? Then the office is the problem and it is deep rooted. There is the justification you need, right there. Run away as fast as you can, protect yourself . You totally deserve that.

[eswat → sharmi]

And if OP does end up leaving the job, please don’t feel guilty about taking time off when you see others around you working harder but worse off than you.

Unless you were actually managing them you are not responsible for their happiness. Get yourself back on track before worrying about others (it’s cliché but think of the oxygen mask metaphor).

[DerekQ]

Ask for a three month Sabbatical. If you've been working for a company for some time and have done well there, you might be surprised how eager they are for you not to leave outright. The reason for the Sabbatical? Have a couple of ideas in your head if you feel the need to explain yourself, but don't say burnout:

Trip around the world, meditation retreat, extra-tech study, family reasons, whatever.

And of course, have your mind made up in case the answer is no. Make it clear that you've decided to take the time off regardless, but would really like to return to work for them in three months.

I've done this very thing myself. 2-3 months off, going part-time, etc. The cost of losing your experience and abilities down the road usually out-weighs any short term difficulties it presents to the company.

[matheist]

I quit my job at a startup after a little over a year because I was burned out. I took off a little over a year before getting another job. In the time off, I worked on some of my own projects, I played music, I hung out with friends, went on walks, spent time with family.

> The thing is this job pays incredibly well

So? What does that actually do for you if you're unhappy? You're getting paid in money, and money translates into wealth, i.e. things that you want. But only if you spend it. What are you even bothering earning all that money for, if you're going to spend your life being miserable? You have no house, no kids, no responsibilities, a simple lifestyle — do you want to spend this time in your life in a job that is burning you out and making you miserable?

edit: As for not feeling like shit about quitting — I don't know what will work for you (I didn't have this problem when I quit; I didn't feel a moment's regret), but you might for example set yourself some amount of time (2 months? whatever) during which you are explicitly permitted to be self-indulgent and relax, and after which you tell yourself you will sit down and plan for what comes next, whether that's looking for work or donating to charity or starting some project or helping others or whatever.

[world32]

> Moreover I see people who are much worse off then me who continue to grind and that makes me feel even more guilty for doing this.

Unless you want to be a saint and donate all your money to charity then there will always be people less fortunate than you. Though perhaps donating some money to charity will make you feel better about it? And of course be a good thing to do. But to ruin your mental and physical health by working yourself silly just because there are others who have to go through the daily grind in worse conditions would be a real shame.

Some people spend their money on fancy cars or big houses, you spend your money on 2-3 months off, think of it that way.

Also, perhaps you should look into freelancing sites like toptal? I don't have experience using them myself but from what I hear if you are good enough to pass the interviews then they have a wide range of work available and you can choose how many hours per week you want to work. Apparently the pay is not as good as you would get in New York but it might be enough to live on if you have a simple life. Perhaps consider working 20-30 hours a week after your break so you don't have to feel guilty about using up all your savings?

[world32 → world32]

Another point I would add is - choose your next job (after the break) wisely. Just like working for large corporations, startups have their own set of downsides. I wouldn't say they have fewer downsides - just different ones. You can find good places to work that are startups and good places that are megacorps.

[brandojs]

I didn't even hate my job and I quit to take 2 months to travel. Giving myself some time off to experience new places, meet new people, and work on projects I wanted to was the best thing I've ever done. I'm much like you where I worry about always being better for tomorrow, but that means you don't live today. Or if you are, it's not to your full potential.

Even when I was abroad, I would still put in a 4 hour day, dedicated to whatever project I felt like working on. What you don't realize is how much work occupies not only your physical time, but your mental time. I had 8 full hours that I never had to think about things I wanted to do. In the end, it re-ignited my passion for code and gave me a new perspective on how I want to work the rest of my life.

[kleer001]

Sounds like you'll be more effective and productive if you take off enough time that you get bored and bored for a few weeks until you're hungry enough to dive back into work.

For me that's about 3-4 months. I get sad and angry and bored and need need need to work with a group of skilled people again. I've heard from others that it takes about a season, no less than 8 weeks, no more than 6 months (except for people that are fine working alone).

Since you have enough money to retire this should be easy. Don't worry about this particular job. Worry about doing well in your career. If you're good head hunters will contact you.

[throw51319]

Roughly how much did you save up? I just turned 27 and am also in NYC. Have 85k cash. Just wondering.

But yeah, I would ease into it like the others said. If you have a well-paying job that you kind of like, that's not a bad thing. Me myself, I've taken long travel breaks before so I know what I'd be getting into (with tweaks from maturing).

Take a 2 week vacation and disconnect. If you like it, then ask for a 2 month sabbatical. If they say no, then just quit and go for a 3 month slow travel trip around Europe or SA. Hit some meditation retreat and a music festival.

[throwawaydave07 → throw51319]

I have saved up ~$220k in 5 years. My rent situation is pretty good as I only pay $1500 a month and I had minimal student loans when I graduated so that put me ahead(state school with part time jobs and internships). I also have a good amount of vested stock options that I can sell if need be (I got lucky that the company I work for has had their stock appreciated significantly).

[phakding]

If you like your job and it pays well, why leave it. Your problem is not job, your problem is that you haven't taken any vacations. Just take a month off and plan a vacation. Or just stay home and work in your health.

I used to pool my vacation and take entire month of December off and just relax. I used to work out in the gym almost every day, wake up late, take naps, watch movies. Other times, go travel to far away places etc.

If you come back and have forgotten passwords, then you have used up the time well.

[hhvvvvv]

Unlike these jobs, your youth and health won’t always be there. Figure out what you would regret least and do that. I just resigned from my job, with only 10k in savings, to pursue something that I find extremely compelling.

[earlyresort]

You're feeling what you're feeling because you're trying to treat your mental health issues yourself, and your mental health issues are interfering with your attempt at treatment.

Instead of trying to self-treat, you really should go see a mental health professional; that's what they're there for. Your work very likely will cover it; if not, well, this is why you have savings. Once a professional has helped you deal with your unhealthy attitudes towards work and what could very possibly be depression, then you can determine the best way to move forward with your life.