When I read these accounts they read to me like they’re from another planet. I’ve been in the industry for 20+ years, and not once have I been in a situation with my coworkers where such a thing would even be _feasible_, let alone acceptable. Maybe I don’t get invited to the “right” events? I don’t know. But all of this seems completely alien to all environments that I’ve ever worked in.
I've spoken to a few of the women I've worked with about this before, and honestly you'd be shocked how much absolutely does go on, right under your nose, and you don't notice it.
How did everyone get home from the last happy hour the team had? Who shared taxis? Do you remember who shared with who? I certainly didn't. I was pretty drunk and what does it matter anyway? Well, turns out that after one night one of the managers shared with a subordinate and made a totally inappropriate move on her. Turns out he has a habit of doing it. I had absolutely no idea.
I’m not saying it’s not true. I’m just genuinely wondering if I simply don’t get invited to the kinds of gatherings where such things could possibly transpire, and why that is. I don’t think I’m quite _that_ boring or unattractive.
I don’t get it - are you saying sexual harassment happens to exciting, attractive people only?
The point is that it happens to women everywhere, also (and perhaps even mostly) in ordinary settings where other oblivious men think it couldn’t possibly transpire.
You’re feigning outrage. You get it perfectly well. All I’m saying is I apparently don’t get invited to social gatherings where such things happen. Anything else is a fruit of your imagination.
The point is, even people who get invited to social gatherings where such things happen don't realize they're happening, so they also think they don't get invited to social gatherings where such things happen. So maybe you're DO go to such events but you just don't realize it.
I mean, women get sexually harassed on trains. You've never ridden a train?
The point they're trying to make is that, unless it very specifically happens to you or happens in the really flagrant way described in the post... it probably happens but you're not aware of it.
That's the take-away from this discussion.
Watching on Twitter, the #metoo hashtag scroll by with probably 80% of the women I know and respect joining in...yeah, I know it's prevalent but it's still shocking to see, not just prevalent, but nearly ubiquitous.
Back to your parties, odds are it's happening and you're simply not aware of it.
Most of the description that I have heard so far seem to involve power more than anything else. Usually, power gained faster or early. And it’s not everybody, so you’d need to have groups of people who became more influential than they were ready for, to have consistent issues.
If you go to conferences about ‘boring’ things, there might not invite people like this.
Maybe it depends on the company you keep. Perhaps all the parties you go to are populated by educated men with high morals. Maybe you don't have any sleazebag friends or co-workers, which is a good thing.
I used to think the same thing but have had to remind myself the common “socially awkward nerd” excuse is just that: one of the things all of these guys have in common is high social awareness, which they use to strategically engineer situations where they have witnesses or some [they hope] plausible excuse. If you're not on the wrong side of a power dynamic or known to share their misogyny, they're going to be working to make sure you don't know.
It's like what we're seeing in Hollywood where actresses have been talking about how most of the harassment immediately stopped once they had the career stature to fight back and were thus no longer safe targets.
In the wake of "me too", I (a 36 year old guy) have been struggling to find a polite way to point this out on social media to women that are looking to men to fix this systemic horror. Creepy/rapey stories often seems to take place in plain sight, but the perpetrators are remarkably stealthy. I could tell you dozens of stories where another Caucasian let slip some subtle racism to me, but never has anyone even subtly hinted or joked that they'd ever touch a woman inappropriately or even proposition a stranger.
As an overly-protective older brother to two sisters, I've been practically ready to raise fists at anyone who's treating women in a slimy way since I was a teenager. Unfortunately, this instinct has been an almost complete waste of energy - it never comes in handy.
I've concluded that the predators/creeps are very, very careful about how they go about it. They can sniff out guys who have a sense of propriety and they can play the part of a good guy unless they know they're absolutely in the clear.
