She didn't ask for what she really wanted, so she didn't get it. This story is repeated every day, everywhere around the globe. She made a wish, and it was granted by a monkey's paw, or an evil genie, instead of a fairy godmother.
Part of the job that I get paid for is to help people figure out how to say what they want in a way that other people can understand well enough to give that to them. The amount I get paid indicates that this sort of thing may be a somewhat uncommon skill, but also in high demand. You can't really expect that skill to be present in every 2-person relationship.
Cleaning services don't watch your kids. If you want a day off, ask for a day off. But when you take that day off, you can't reasonably expect that everything you normally do will still get done in the way that you do it. The world does not revolve around you, and it takes constant effort to fool yourself into thinking it does.
Micromanagement is bullshit at the office, and it's bullshit at home. If you want relief from the emotional burden of making sure the whole world dances to your tune, you will have to allow someone else to play theirs. You will have to accept that you are the only person that wants exactly what you want, and that sometimes close to that is good enough.
If you cooperate with a person that overextends their will onto the world, you are not really helping them. You are reinforcing their unhealthy behaviors, and allowing them to export their self-torment to you. Some people enjoy that sort of thing, and that's fine. Sadists can pair up with masochists, and make each other happy. It's not my thing, so when people throw that kind of relationship at me, I dodge instead of catching it.
This "emotional labor", as described in the article, is not real work [in my opinion]. It is squirting neurotransmitters into your own brain, that will occupy receptor sites for a time, and then reuptake to be squirted out again later. If your own emotions cause you enough distress to raise your cortisol, medical treatment is available, including therapy by trained professionals that specialize in your exact problem. Would you ask your spouse to set a compound fracture in your leg? Not unless you were on walkabout in some hinterland. Normally, you go to an orthopedic surgeon at a hospital. The same holds true for a broken brain. It is not acceptable to use another person as your brain-crutch for the rest of your lives when genuine treatment is available. And if you value your own life, you will not be that crutch for someone else for any longer than it takes to get them to someone that can actually help them.
Don't allow yourself to be micromanaged (unless you like it).
> "She didn't ask for what she really wanted, so she didn't get it."
Incorrect. Read this...
"My husband waited for me to change my mind to an "easier" gift than housecleaning, something he could one-click order on Amazon. Disappointed by my unwavering desire, the day before Mother's Day he called a single service, decided they were too expensive, and vowed to clean the bathrooms himself."
The husband understood what the wife wanted, because he made a half-arsed attempt to meet her request, and then tried to get out of it. Does that sound like the actions of someone who doesn't know what his partner wants? The husband wouldn't have made such a song and dance about the gift request if he didn't know what his partner had asked for.
I'm not presuming that this particular husband would have done any better if she had made a more precise request.
He didn't actually have the balls to just ignore the request and come up with his own gift idea, either. So this is definitely not entirely on the wife.
Part of the job that I get paid for is to help people figure out how to say what they want in a way that other people can understand well enough to give that to them. The amount I get paid indicates that this sort of thing may be a somewhat uncommon skill, but also in high demand. You can't really expect that skill to be present in every 2-person relationship.
Cleaning services don't watch your kids. If you want a day off, ask for a day off. But when you take that day off, you can't reasonably expect that everything you normally do will still get done in the way that you do it. The world does not revolve around you, and it takes constant effort to fool yourself into thinking it does.
Micromanagement is bullshit at the office, and it's bullshit at home. If you want relief from the emotional burden of making sure the whole world dances to your tune, you will have to allow someone else to play theirs. You will have to accept that you are the only person that wants exactly what you want, and that sometimes close to that is good enough.
If you cooperate with a person that overextends their will onto the world, you are not really helping them. You are reinforcing their unhealthy behaviors, and allowing them to export their self-torment to you. Some people enjoy that sort of thing, and that's fine. Sadists can pair up with masochists, and make each other happy. It's not my thing, so when people throw that kind of relationship at me, I dodge instead of catching it.
This "emotional labor", as described in the article, is not real work [in my opinion]. It is squirting neurotransmitters into your own brain, that will occupy receptor sites for a time, and then reuptake to be squirted out again later. If your own emotions cause you enough distress to raise your cortisol, medical treatment is available, including therapy by trained professionals that specialize in your exact problem. Would you ask your spouse to set a compound fracture in your leg? Not unless you were on walkabout in some hinterland. Normally, you go to an orthopedic surgeon at a hospital. The same holds true for a broken brain. It is not acceptable to use another person as your brain-crutch for the rest of your lives when genuine treatment is available. And if you value your own life, you will not be that crutch for someone else for any longer than it takes to get them to someone that can actually help them.
Don't allow yourself to be micromanaged (unless you like it).