Conflict in relationship, especially intimate relationships, is rarely about the content.
It's typically that the context of the situation brings up an emotion that is taboo / off limits, one that the person has spent a life time avoiding.
This avoidance is typically do to previous developmental or shock trauma.
You can actually learn to use your conflicts as a psychedelic of sorts to do deep transformational work, if you have the right context, language and tools.
From my view, this inability to transform conflict is why most relationships end and why most people in relationships aren't happy (despite relationships being the single greatest predictor of health and life satisfaction.)
That's exactly how I view conflicts. It's the surfacing of something much deeper that is normally completely hidden, either suppressed or managed at the cost of Emotional Reserve.
When something flares up, I try to not let it go to waste and start digging. Instead, it's an opportunity. Either my wife or me (usually both) will then gain some insight about ourselves. We can then apologize for the content wich caused it and then move to the context.
We've been doing this since we were engaged and this has allowed us to grow a lot in terms of emotional stability, and build some strong reserves. Of course the flip side is that with deeper reserves, it can take a lot longer for conflicts to surface, so we now look at frustrations as the opportunities to introspect.
Are you in NYC by chance? I'd love to invite you and your partner to join us for a Psychedlic Love Workshop aka The Love Dojo (as our guest).
My partner and I curate a group of couples doing this work (and singles looking to find a relationship with this context), and practice some really cutting edge tools.
For example, we've pioneered a version of breathwork to be used in times of conflict with your partner that can transform long standing conflict patterns.
despite relationships being the single greatest predictor of health and life satisfaction.
That predictor isn't specifically referring to romantic relationships, but all social relationships.
That means family, friends, love, professional etc. It means that ideally, a person who has more of these things is more likely to be healthy and satisfied.
Having a wife but no friends for example, isn't ideal, and vice versa.
It's typically that the context of the situation brings up an emotion that is taboo / off limits, one that the person has spent a life time avoiding.
This avoidance is typically do to previous developmental or shock trauma.
You can actually learn to use your conflicts as a psychedelic of sorts to do deep transformational work, if you have the right context, language and tools.
From my view, this inability to transform conflict is why most relationships end and why most people in relationships aren't happy (despite relationships being the single greatest predictor of health and life satisfaction.)