I don't have enough experience to give you advice about jobs but a few years ago, I went through a major depressive 'episode' that lasted for about 2-3 years, suicidal thoughts and all. One thing that saved me was exercise.
I did the C25K program (couch to 5k). It gave me a goal and pursuing it, offered small successes that I could be proud of. Having a goal that I could see me progressing towards was important. Running also offered a reprieve from self-deprecating intrusive thoughts, since my brain only had enough oxygen to focus on my breathing rythm. No time for ruminating.
I don't want to say that what I did was optimal or that I'd recommend to just tough it out like me, not seeing a professional. It was dangerous.
But running/other exercise may be something that you can do to build yourself up a bit and clear your head for at least an hour each day.
I did the C25K program (couch to 5k). It gave me a goal and pursuing it, offered small successes that I could be proud of. Having a goal that I could see me progressing towards was important. Running also offered a reprieve from self-deprecating intrusive thoughts, since my brain only had enough oxygen to focus on my breathing rythm. No time for ruminating.
I don't want to say that what I did was optimal or that I'd recommend to just tough it out like me, not seeing a professional. It was dangerous.
But running/other exercise may be something that you can do to build yourself up a bit and clear your head for at least an hour each day.