By the far, the most stressful thing I've ever done is stay with my dad while he died of cancer. For the last two weeks of his life, I stayed at the long-term care facility he was at. I put all my client's projects on hold so I could be with him. I stayed perhaps 18 or more hours of each day. I slept in the chair next to his bed. I did my best to take care of what he needed. When he was in pain I would go out into the hall and plead with the nurses to get more pain medication, though sometimes they were hesitant because he had taken too much (long story there, and I knew nothing about how the system worked then, but apparently you have to say very specific words, which are full of legal meaning, to make clear that a person wants an unlimited supply of pain killers during their final days). When he was lucid we would talk. When he wasn't lucid, I would do what I could to comfort him. I was alone with him in the room when he died.
And after that... my concentration was gone. For a good two years. My ability to write code for 70 hours a week, and think of it as fun, was gone. My mental clarity was gone. It took a solid two years to come back, maybe three years.
My dad was my best friend and losing him hit me very hard.
And I learned there are some kinds of emotional stress that take years to recover from.
I was prepared for my lovely Dad to be very ill and/or die, a few years in advance, as I have older parents. Dad went from a cuddly, cognitive sprinter to a husk of a man in six months. We have a big family, be it spread out a bit, so the Duties were also spread, but it took its toll on each of us. Strikingly, it was harder to watch my mother fail to cope with it than watch my Dad die from it. I'm glad you're back. Welcome, we missed you. Thanks for sharing.
Kind of tangentially: my dad's dying, and I'm in the process of forcing him to compile end of life documents. So far it is the most stressful thing. Bank accounts, utilities, titles, living will, power of attorney, retirement funds, medical proxy paperwork, the actual will.
If you're reading this, do everyone in your life a favor and take care of this shit this week and email it to the people who will be cleaning up your life when you're done with it. It's the courteous thing to do.
I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. That you are helping him resolve these outstanding issues is most likely a huge relief for him.
I've been interested in compiling an end of life documents for myself for my family. Have you found any resources that offer some kind of checklist and guidance as to everything one might need to complete for such a process?
I am sorry for your loss. I can totally relate to this. I lost my mom to cancer when I was 19. Long, slow, painful death that myself and my 7 other siblings had to witness. It took years to get over the trauma and I am certain some of my younger siblings (ages 2 to 15) had PTSD.
I was not yet into my career at that age but I am certain it would have heavily affected my concentration and ability.
Thanks for your story - I lost my dad just over a month ago after years in care for an illness which was drawn out over 7 years from his late 50's. Throughout this period I also was very aware of losing my ability to concentrate, as well as my ability to really see much meaning anything around me. His death in a sense has been a relief after so much time and pain, but, I feel it will be a long time until things return for me mentally. Thanks again for sharing.
And after that... my concentration was gone. For a good two years. My ability to write code for 70 hours a week, and think of it as fun, was gone. My mental clarity was gone. It took a solid two years to come back, maybe three years.
My dad was my best friend and losing him hit me very hard. And I learned there are some kinds of emotional stress that take years to recover from.