Ask HN: Parents of HN, what are the things you wish you knew before having kids? - bing_dai
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kohanz
1\. Every child is different. For the first kid, you'll often blame or credit
your parenting for some of your child's positive and negative traits. For
example, our son (oldest), has always been a great eater. Tries all new foods,
loves his vegetables, eats healthy portions. We thought it was because of our
"baby-led weaning". Then we had our 2nd and she is a very picky eater (better
now than before, but still a big difference) and we often struggle to get her
to eat enough. Our 3rd is in between the two, eating wise. More or less a
similar environment growing up. The other area this comes up a lot is sleep.
Some children sleep terribly, others sleep well. Some parents have a few
children who sleep well and feel that they made that happen. Some parents have
children that don't sleep well and feel cursed. Try not to be too hard on
yourself or too high on yourself.

2\. They are a lot more durable, and less fragile than you'll initially feel.
I stressed a ton over our first child. I tried not to be a helicopter parent,
but still, in relative terms, every health issue stressed me out a lot. In
fact, I stressed so much during the first weeks of our first child's life that
I got stress-induced shingles! For the 2nd and 3rd, I'm much more relaxed and
I simply have less time and attention to hover over everything that happens to
them. Let them fall, get hurt, etc - they can handle it and they learn from
it. Injuries, scars, etc all heal for the most part. Obviously this does not
apply to truly serious conditions of incidents, but those are rare relative to
your worrying.

~~~
duxup
I was going to go with number 1 as well.

Another result of #1 is that when faced with a problem....try everything.

Baby not sleeping?

Go to bed earlier...or later. Don't sweat what works for others, just try
things and accept that you're probably just going to bump into solutions
accidentally...or they will just grow out of it.

~~~
kohanz
That last part reminds me of advice a coworker gave me before I had kids:
"Just when you think you've figured them out, they'll change."

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codingdave
Your children will be the cause of the best and worst moments of your life for
the next decade or two. You'll love some of it more than any other experience
that you have ever had. And also hate it at other times. You'll wonder when it
will get better (it will), yet miss the days when they were little.

And at the end of it, you have a family to grow old with, and it is worth it.

But that is also the key to remember - it is not your goal as parents to raise
children, nor to control who they are. Instead, it is your goal to raise
adults, who can direct their own lives successfully. Their childhood and
adolescence is just the learning curve you are helping them get through so
they can go be their own person.

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codegeek
1\. Every child is different.

2\. They grow up really fast. Capture all moments that you can. Take tons of
pictures when they are a baby. First 3 years, they will change every month
physically a lot faster than after 3.

3\. Plan things but don't worry if you mess up and never blame yourself. Kids
make u do that. Some things will happen that you cannot control. Deal with it.
Don't over stress about planning too much. Almost always, it is not your
fault. Just the nature of how kids are.

4\. If you have multiple children, don't compare them with each other. Related
to #1.

5\. If you think life is hard now, you have no idea whats coming to you mostly
in a good way :). Kids will test your patience and no matter what, you have to
deal with them. My kids changed my sleeping habits for the better. Don't wanna
wake up at 6:30 ? Sorry your kid is awake and u HAVE to.

6\. Most important for me: Kids are one the best experiences you can have.
Don't worry about the negatives. It is a great feeling and experience of life.
This is not to shit on people who don't want kids. I respect that. Kids are
hard. But personal opinion, they are worth it. I can have the worst day at
work/life but when I see my kids, it lightens me up. All the best.

------
Awelton
Try to work on your hobbies after they are in bed. It's tempting to put on a
tv program for them so you can work on your own stuff for a while, but they
grow up so fast you will regret the time you didn't spend with them.

Check inside your shoes before you put them on.

Applesauce stops loose stools, apple juice causes it.

------
gus_massa
Similar thread
[https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=21053211](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=21053211)
(90 points, 3 months ago, 110 comments)

My comment:
[https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=21053962](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=21053962)

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batt4good
I've been considering getting a vasectomy recently, and this thread has been a
huge help in granting perspective and context.

Even well into my twenties I still don't really have any interest in kids or
long term relationships for that matter. I've never really been good at them
and attribute a lot of that to my parents making fun of me at a young age
whenever I was "dating" someone etc.

The biggest factor for me is having spent years getting my financial life and
mental health in check. The idea of doing something like having a kid and
throwing both of those aspects of my life into oncoming traffic seems unwise.
I've also had good friends seem to fundamentally change in very negative ways
after having kids. Some have already been divorced and largely will never have
a life they enjoy again.

~~~
padraic7a
I would have had very little to no interest in having a kid when I was in my
twenties, or even early thirties.

I'm delighted to have one now.

Just use birth control.

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przwoz
I'll try to keep it short and informative: 1\. New person in your family will
put a high stress test on your marriage/relationship. (this is backed also by
my friends experience) 2\. First days are a SHOCK and will make you CHANGE
YOUR LIFE. You'll have to accept it: it's not about you anymore, it's about
your child. 3\. First 6 months will be very hard - I mean things like little
sleep etc. Also, there is no way you can understand such a small child. And
even worse, they are extremely endangered by even the most stupid illness as
there are no meds for them (so protect it as much as you can). That may sound
weak, but: 4\. After 6 months you'll be much better :) 5\. If you accept your
situation, you'll probably make some improvements in how you spend your time
(weaking up earlier and sleep 6 hours, eat better food, spend your free time
productive, because it's so little, you really value it). 6\. By spending time
with your child, if you have a little empathy, you'll be able to mentally
travel back to your childhood and look through its eyes on the the world. 7\.
You'll never forget this feeling, when you have it in your arms (or rather on
your hands) for the 1st time. 8\. It's hard to describe, but your child will
be like for you like the water in the desert. 9\. In the end, rising a child
is the only thing in your life (besides love) that matters. There are no
people that regret working not enough, but most of them regret spending not
enough time with their family. All the best for you and your family :) From
the time perspective, you'll see it's the best that happend to you :)

~~~
deepaksurti
>> I'll try to keep it short and informative

Was that meant to be intentional subtlety?

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technix32
I'm not sure how helpful it would have been to know this beforehand, but one
of the things that surprised me is how much decision making I'd need to do.
You're CONSTANTLY deciding things. Is she ok? should we go to the doctor? is
she too hot? what clothes should she be wearing in this temperature, should we
give her paracetamol just in case it's fever? how much food should we feed
her? what food should we feed her? is she old enough to have x? oh x is bad
for baby's and gives them gas, wish we knew that yesterday? how do you deal
with gas in babies?

The most stressful times are when you need to make decisions but you can't
find information, or probably more to the point, you can find heaps of
information, but none of it makes it easier to make make the decision. You
just have to make one.

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sergiotapia
They grow instantly. My third son, absolutely flew past the baby stage. It
went by almost immediately. He's in toddler mode now and this seems to be
taking a little more. Or maybe I'm enjoying it more, I don't know.

Cherish it though, time doesn't go back.

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mordechai9000
In hindsight, I would've done better to simplify my life as much as possible,
to leave more time and energy for the things I really care about.

In the end, it worked out ok, and we got through the most demanding and
difficult years. It was worth it.

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redis_mlc
Your romance will turn into an unpaid caretaking job.

Many women have post-partum depression (ie. mental illness.)

A lot of relationships never recover.

Do not have a nexus in California or you can be garnished $2,000+/month for
child support (plus legal costs, of course.)

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padraic7a
A lot of things you learn when you have kids aren't necessarily useful to know
in advance.

My kid doesn't sleep well, and we (parents) consequently don't sleep so well.
Not much we could have done about that except try not to worry about it.

Your personalised autonomously will reduce. You may have to Shelve some
hobbies and activities for a while. That can be tough, even if you expect it.

Try to be easy on yourself and your partner. Try and socialise when you can.
Take turns getting naps and rest when you can.

If you can get help from friends or relatives do, but sometimes you need a
break from helpful advice too.

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8bitsrule
This future was completely unpredictable. How they live and what they learn
are essential to successfully coping with a future like that. In part because
you will be watching them and wondering what else you might have done.

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konschubert
Children grow up very fast.

Every phase, be it nice or stressful, is very short.

~~~
EvanAnderson
I absolutely, positively, must echo this. Don't think "Oh, we'll do xxxx
later..." because you will likely miss your chance.

My subjective perception of time has accelerated _so_ much after having my
daughter.

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dsiegel2275
Very simply: it is the best thing that can happen to your life. So don't wait
so long to have them.

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sethammons
Some pro-tips that may or may not help (see point 1 from most of these
comments that all kids are different).

When they are old enough and you are taking them to the park, give a count
down til time to leave. "Hey kiddo, we are leaving in 5 minutes", "... 3
minutes", "... 1 minute...", "ok, time to go.". There will still likely be
protesting, but it is smoother than what they will perceive as an unwarranted
attack on their fun when, out of the blue, it is "time to go."

When a kid is superficially hurt (scrapped knee, bumped elbow, etc), all their
attention can go to the injury. Worse is when all your attention goes there
and _you_ get scared. They see that mom/dad is scared, so, oh shit, this
_must_ be bad. It is very important to act casual about most minor (or even
major) injuries. "Oh wow, look at that! haha, you got yourself a scrape! Well
done!". For removing their attention from their injury, you need to refocus
their attention. "Oh, yeah, look at that scrape. Yeah, I know it hurts. Hey,
which rock did you scrape it on? Was it this one? Let's find the rock. Oh,
there it is. What color is that rock? Can you see anything else that is that
color? What about that over there? That is the same color, yeah? Ok. Well,
let's get rid of that nasty rock. How about you toss it in those bushes over
there so it doesn't hurt anyone else." Or you can just be silly. Silly adults
are a great way to make a kid laugh and forget what they were upset about.

Little kids love to help. They will be slow and terrible at helping. It is
critical that they feel they are helping.

I suggest avoiding allowance tied to chores. Chores should be done because
they help the family and everyone needs to help the family.

Kids do well with routines. Family reading time every night at 7:30, etc.

Your goal should be the raising of capable adults. Give them autonomy and
trust. However, you can expect what you inspect. Especially as they are young,
you have to inspect regularly. Expect them to do their homework, brush their
teeth, clean their room do their chores, etc. When they are really young, lots
of check ups (daily?). When they are older, less frequent.

Kids, like everyone, learn through mistakes. Give them the ability to make
mistakes and learn from them.

Magic eraser can erase sharpie from painted walls. They should be the one to
clean it up.

Kids are smarter than you know, or think you know. They are full humans, just
with lack of experience and impulse control.

Kids will have different ways of learning than you did.

What kids want more than anything is your time.

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marconey
Generally choose the path that results in the least stress, and most sleep,
for all parties

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BOOSTERHIDROGEN
everything about breastfeeding

