

A life less posted - marban
http://www.elezea.com/2012/11/a-life-less-posted/

======
mratzloff
I agree with the broader message. Especially on vacation, disconnecting is
important; it lets you take in life and experience it untethered, away from
work email or other daily concerns. And if Facebook and other social networks
make you feel that way, you certainly should disconnect from them.

But I wanted to call out a couple of things:

 _I woke up yesterday morning to a few Facebook status updates from people who
don’t like Halloween, and who would never let their kids participate in the
evils of trick-or-treating. I was immediately filled with guilt because I
allowed my daughter to enjoy herself so much the previous night by letting her
dress up in her self-chosen mermaid/fairy combination._

Why on earth would you feel guilty because you let your daughter go trick or
treating and she had a great time?

 _And then I realized that I feel like that all the time on Facebook. Guilt,
anger, envy… Those are the emotions that fuel all social networks, but perhaps
Facebook more than the others. They’re the emotions that make us
share/like/comment on things._

I don't really use Facebook that often, but when I do it's to look at photos
someone uploaded or read a funny comment someone left.

So I guess I disagree that guilt, anger, and envy fuel all social networks
(exclusively, which is what this seems to imply). It's a really strange
worldview to me.

Really, it sounds like you just know a lot of unpleasant people.

~~~
k-mcgrady
>> "Really, it sounds like you just know a lot of unpleasant people."

Feeling guilt, anger, and envy reading a social network sounds like a personal
problem and not entirely the fault of the people posting updates.

~~~
hkmurakami
I tend to agree that such feelings are rooted in personal issues. However I
think it's also true that Facebook status updates can act as a catalyst for
making those feelings bubble up in someone, when that person is trying to live
their own lives without being reminded of "what could have been" etc.

~~~
ChuckMcM
This captures the sentiment. Sure its a 'personal problem' to be angry/envious
that your friend from college just bought a new sports car and you're trying
to figure out how to cover the cost of a smog check on your old van. But it is
also entirely human. All too often we rate ourselves by the accomplishments or
activities of others. This can be toxic. Disconnecting from the social graph,
if only to prevent additional irritation of emotional scars, is a good thing.

------
moxie
The problem with wanting not-facebook is that we don't really have a choice
anymore. The social systems that were in place before facebook and mobile
devices became so prevalent have all been destroyed, so there's no going back
to the way you lived in 2002.

People don't make plans anymore, make fliers for their parties, etc. So if you
decide that you don't want to participate in social networks online, it
essentially means that you're opting out of society offline as well: you
simply won't be included in those social plans.

And even if you managed to stay a part of society, you find yourself standing
in the metaphorical elevator where everyone else is looking down at their
phones.

If you manage to make it out to dinner with people, they'll all inexplicably
be taking photos of their food, posting them on facebook, and then only
relating to each-other at the table to explain who has commented or liked or
whatever'd the things that are happening right there. And that's pretty
uninteresting if you are not also invested in the likes, replies, etc.

Basically, it's a network effect, and we're in it. To characterize it as a
choice only legitimizes this thing as something we have control over and have
opted into, rather than something that has happened _to us_.

~~~
imechura
I would respectfully disagree with this comment.

I have heard this argument made many times before but the fact is you just had
to work harder to have a "social life" before facebook. That is what made
relationships feel more meaningful back in the presocial network days, because
they where more meaningful (and you had less of them).

Commenting on a photo of your friend's newborn is not equal to paying a visit
to hold the baby while the mother takes a long bath and the father drinks a
much needed beer. And in the end that comment will be about as memorable as
the effort put into it.

Back in the late 90s, nobody had 200 friends. People had small groups of
tight-nit friends with whom they shared REAL experiences. One did not need a
host of software applications to tell you what their friends where up to
because they where there with them when it happened.

Here is the test I apply... if I'm not willing to take the time to call
someone up and invite them over for a beer, perhaps they are not really
friends so much as an entity relationship in some corporations database.

Personally, I log into my facebook account about once every 4 months just to
see what I'm missing. Let me tell you, I'm not missing much.

~~~
potatolicious
> _"People had small groups of tight-nit friends with whom they shared REAL
> experiences."_

And yet, they still do.

One thing I heavily dislike about the Facebook narrative is how it's portrayed
as two mutually exclusive choices. Either you have hundreds of people who poke
at each other in superficial ways _or_ you have tight-knit circles.

The reality is that people have both, and have always had both. Facebook has
improved our connection to the extended-acquaintances circle, it hasn't taken
away our close friends.

~~~
zecho
As it grows, it hasn't really improved my close friendships, either. I was
originally in love with Facebook precisely because it improved those
relationships.

Things were a bit different in college, I guess, when only .edu email holders
were on the site. I'm not sure if that's because it was a safe walled garden
for students to be themselves online or if it was because I had a much higher
ratio of close friends to extended relationships. Either way, as the site has
grown and more Bosses and Grandmas have joined, normally complex people who
interact with me differently than the Boss or Grandma were suddenly forced to
act in a lowest common denominator way.

I'll admit that the reason I left Facebook (late 2009) had little to do with
privacy or advertising and more to do with the fact that most of my friends
stopped posting pictures and self-censored because both Grandma and the Boss
might see it. If I wanted interesting human contact, Facebook was decreasingly
the place to find it.

Anyway, my gripe about the Facebook narrative, in addition to the one you just
brought up, is that Facebook is the de facto place to communicate with anyone.
It's not. It may be the path of least resistance in communicating with those
acquaintances, but there are hundreds of ways to get in touch with people now.
Facebook's grasp of social interaction is less of a stranglehold and more of a
thin curtain that people, for whatever reason, refuse to look behind.

------
c0riander
This reminds me a great deal of the insights of Susan Sontag in her essay _On
Photography._ To wit:

"A way of certifying experience, taking photographs is also a way of refusing
it -- by limiting experience to a search for the photogenic, by converting
experience into an image, a souvenir. Travel becomes a strategy for
accumulating photographs... Most tourists feel compelled to put the camera
between themselves and whatever is remarkable they encounter. Unsure of other
responses, they take a picture."

The whole essay is really worth reading - looking specifically at photography,
you could make an argument that our other tools like Facebook are growing to
fill a similar aggressive, certifying role in our culture...

You can find it on Amazon: [http://www.amazon.com/On-Photography-Susan-
Sontag/dp/0312420...](http://www.amazon.com/On-Photography-Susan-
Sontag/dp/0312420099/)

~~~
Gring
This is brilliant. Thank you!

------
csallen
Am I the only person for whom snapping a photo of an experience and uploading
it to Facebook doesn't ruin said experience? Am I the only person with the
capacity to engage in social media at-will, without feeling compelled to do so
because otherwise my experiences "didn't happen"?

I don't understand either of these sentiments.

Humans are social creatures. We always have been, and always will be. Engaging
with people face-to-face is great. But when we're separated from others we
care about, we'll resort to whatever means possible to share our experiences
with them. In the past, that meant writing letters, talking on the phone,
having film developed, etc. Today, it means whipping out your phone, snapping
a photo, and touching your screen a few times.

Has the nature of how we experience life _really_ changed that much? I can't
help but feel that complaints of this nature are really just nostalgia in
disguise.

~~~
icebraining
No, you're probably not the only person. It doesn't mean you're not different
from OP (and many others) in that regard.

~~~
csallen
Well, I was asking that question rhetorically. There are a billion people on
Facebook and even more with mobile phones, and (to my knowledge) the vast
majority are capable of enjoying real-life experiences. The issue I'm getting
at isn't _really_ whether I really am alone, or if I'm the only one different
than the OP. The point I'm making is that there is precious little substance
to the claim that we have entered a new age characterized by a net loss in our
ability to enjoy live experiences.

It's a bit like my dad comparing his childhood to mine. He would play all
sorts of games outside with his friends, whereas I spent a comparatively large
amount of time watching cartoons and playing video games. His point was that
"kids these days blah blah blah." But the reality is, the people of my
generation have _very_ fond memories of those old cartoons and video games.
We'll probably all grow up to criticize the pastimes of our children as well.
But are these new generations of children really missing out on anything
substantial? Or are things just _different_?

It's one thing to be nostalgic about things long gone. But it's extreme to
take that nostalgia and conclude that social media really has taken away our
"freedom to live" (the OP's words, not mine).

------
ovatsug25
You feel guilty, angry and envy because of what you see on Facebook? That
problem is with you. I have never felt more in touch with more people through
social services of this kind.

These services enhance my capability of keeping in touch with people. I didn't
know how to use them correctly at first, and probably ODed on Facebook and
made fun of how much people use them, but once you master yourself—or at least
become better at it—you can live a much richer, fuller life by staying in
touch with people you never could have before. My great-grandmother left Spain
after the Civil War and did not have contact with her sisters for over 50
years. Personally, this alternative of being connected is much better than the
other.

Learn about yourself. Learn how to use them for your benefit. When you get
distracted, don't blame the technology, blame yourself for not knowing that
you need to disconnect. It's hard. But it's doable. A life less posted is a
choice we want to have sometimes, but being connected is something that I
think we want more.

------
markbao
This article represents a much-needed big-picture view of how social networks
have affected how we live. It seems like those with smartphones in their
pockets, and social networks with connections, have the always-on ability to
make an impression on others—and they are expected to. That manifests itself
as a nagging feeling to always share and make an impression.

I'm backpacking through Europe right now as well, and not having cellular
service and being more disconnected allows me to live with the intention to
live. Whereas before, living in NYC and constantly being connected always
allowed me to ask questions like: Should I check in here? Should I Instagram
this? Am I expected to be active on social networks, lest I be forgotten?

~~~
paraschopra
If you are in backpacking through Europe, you may want to reconsider checking
Hacker News and commenting on an article _about_ getting a little disconnected
:)

~~~
markbao
I still like keeping up once in a while. It gives me fodder to think about
while being disconnected :)

------
lignuist
All I can say: delete your Facebook account and travel to whatever country you
want.

Not using Facebook doesn't mean you cannot share your photos (emotions,
experiences, ...) these days. I traveled Central Asia and some other countries
and uploaded photos and videos to a password protected folder on my webserver
where my family and friends could watch them. Sending physical copies still
would also work.

I never had a Facebook account and every time I read articles about FB, I'm
thankful that I'm not addicted to this company, like so many people seem to
be.

~~~
k-mcgrady
When I travel I prefer using a private sharing system for my family too. It
means they don't need a facebook account and we can comment on things knowing
exactly who else is watching (I only gave the password to around 10 people and
they all knew not to share it). I used a password protected Posterous site and
that worked really well (Tumblr may be a better choice now Posterous is sold).

------
eli_awry
I feel like many of these posts present a false dichotomy. I hiked over 600
miles of the appalachian trail this summer, and I did use social media - a
little. I posted about one photo to instagram a day - a faun a few days old, a
chimney in the middle of the trail, a view of two side by side mountains, one
drenched in sun and the other in a thunderstorm. This helped my notice the
most beautiful moments of my day each day, and now I can look back at a
gloriously curated story - ~35 pictures from 30 days. I put those photos up
for my friends and family, and now I am so happy to have them. And they were
happy to take a moment while flipping through their instagram feeds to see
them. I guess I don't understand the fear, hatred, and jealousy people feel
when confronted with moments from other people's lives.

------
trafficlight
This all hinges on our personality.

I go on Facebook, like what I like, ignore what I don't, and refuse to dwell
on things.

~~~
theorique
+1

If you like it, great. If you don't, delete your account. Either way, no big
deal. A lot of writing and drama about a rather minor decision.

~~~
aes256
It's not quite that simple. Facebook has changed the way many people interact.

Delete your Facebook and you will almost inevitably miss out. You will miss
event invitations — "Oh, I sent out an invitation to everyone on Facebook, did
you not get it?" — your friends will change their numbers without you knowing
— "But I put a message on Facebook telling everyone my new number!" — and
you'll find people talking about you, and posting photos of you without your
knowledge.

We have a rather fascinating collective action problem here.

~~~
theorique
Fair point. There are definitely network effects. Facebook is more valuable to
me than it was when I first joined, primarily because of the other people who
joined, secondarily because of their new features (since I don't play Farm-
Mafia-Pirate-Ville or other FB games).

What this means is that FB _do_ offer real value for whatever they are
taking/monetizing in return. I don't know what you'd call it - a method to
broadcast to your social connections, perhaps? To synthesize that out of
separate parts would take a lot of effort on peoples' behalf.

~~~
aes256
At present I'm of the view that simply _having_ a Facebook account, without
actively contributing content, provides me with most of the benefits without
any significant costs.

What's more, I've started to notice a lot of my friends adopting this
approach. I'd say my current news feed adheres to the 80/20 rule; 80 percent
of the content contributed by 20 percent of the people. Perhaps even 90/10.

Meanwhile, it's not as though Facebook are getting much out of me. I can't
remember the last time I clicked an ad on Facebook...

~~~
theorique
Right. Just a placeholder so that if friends use Facebook as Eventbrite or
Evite or Gmail, you have a place to be contacted.

It's a reasonable compromise between being the person for whom "if it's not on
Facebook it didn't happen" and the person who dramatically commits "Facebook
Suicide" and deletes their account.

------
irishcoffee
I liked and agreed with the thesis of the article.. until I saw the tweet
graphic at the bottom.

I "got" facebook in 2005 as a freshman in college, and deleted (not
deactivated) my account in early 2009, as an experiment, and have been off
ever since. I wanted to see if it would have a positive or negative effect on
my social life.

1000% positive.

Now, if I want to know about one of my friends, I call them, text them, email
them, or hang out with them. If someone wants to communicate with me, they do
the same. I get texts all the time that start similar to "hey, facebook-
challenged friend, theres X going on next weekend, come hang" or a
phonecall/email saying the same, which leads into actual personal
communication.

People might call it selfish, but my response would be: why am I obligated to
use facebook to organize my social interactions? I don't make anyone contact
me, and if they don't want to, they won't.

Also, I became really sick of baby pictures.

~~~
shocks
> and deleted (not deactivated)

Can you explain this further? I wish to delete my Facebook account
permanently, but I'm under the impression you can (these days) only deactivate
it. Do you know another way?

Thanks!

~~~
irishcoffee
So, when I did this, it was a while ago and the URL I've found is different
than the one I used but:

[https://www.facebook.com/help/contact.php?show_form=delete_a...](https://www.facebook.com/help/contact.php?show_form=delete_account)

And I found this here:

[http://www.techlicious.com/how-to/how-to-delete-your-
faceboo...](http://www.techlicious.com/how-to/how-to-delete-your-facebook-
account-permanently/)

------
meaty
I find that the social networks are the modern version of being forced by an
aquaintance to stare at mind-numbing out of focus holiday slides for 2 hours,
except it pokes you every time that someone wants to force some more upon you.

I live a private life and don't want all the social crap bound to it.

As a point with regards to photography, I still use a mid-80's Praktica 35mm
SLR and develop my own film and print by hand.

I want to remain attached to the memory, not where I exhibit it.

~~~
theorique
You don't sound like a candidate for a Facebook account. Which is fine -
opting out is encouraged.

~~~
meaty
Good I'm doing something right then :)

------
jusben1369
I traveled for nearly two years right out of college - pre email.
Central/South America/Turkey etc. I went through an incredible array of
emotions relating to not seeing or speaking to friends and family for weeks on
end. Yet I also felt this incredible sense of adventure - being truly
disconnected from all I had known. Those lessons in independence have paid
dividends over and over again during tough times - knowing that I've faced a
lot of challenges on my own and come through. Within a year of settling down I
had my first dial up modem and the rest is history.

I'm incredibly thankful now in hindsight that I got to do it when I did. You
could still do it today but you'd have to very actively decide not to be
connected to people. That in itself would open up awkward questions/dialogues
"Dude, you couldn't check your email/FB like even once a week?"

I certainly am not alone in having done something like this. I wonder what it
means though for post College kids doing it now. We're never not connected to
our larger ecosystem anymore. It's almost moved from the notion of "I'll be
totally separated from friends and family' to "Everyone will be following my
every move as I do one exciting post after another"

------
swang
Post like these assumes no one has enough willpower to take pictures and then
upload them when they get back from the vacation. To boot he seems to be
romanticizing 2003 as a much simpler time... what?

The statement, "I used film so all my pictures really counted" is really
annoying because it's as though he believes people nowadays just hold down the
shutter button.

If we're talking about phone shots that people post to Facebook and Instagram;
I think people spend way more time than they ever would have with film to
setup the best shot (because it's going onto Facebook/Instagram!).

On the SLR front, just as there's a cost with using film (not enough exposures
so you can't make mistakes) there is a cost with going digital: having to sort
through a large amount of photos that are time consuming to look through,
process, and edit. And these photos are actually quite large so there's also a
much larger time cost.

So believe it or not, digital photographers have to be choosy as well lest
they spend another 30 minutes trying to delete the pictures that were
unnecessary.

~~~
ehutch79
guilty as charged on holding down the shutter button.

~~~
nuclear_eclipse
So is my mother. Almost 200GB of photos just from a point and shoot camera in
the past 6 years.

------
fudged71
I had a similar experience.

At the beginning of summer I was in Ireland for 7 days with my girlfriend on a
Contiki tour. The first time I've ever been in Europe. I didn't bring my
phone, on purpose.

Everyone around me was sharing, emailing, texting, and whatever else. I was
relaxing, enjoying, and living the experience. I refused to nap, because I
wanted to see everything, hear everything, experience everything.

Of course, when we got back home, I saw all the 'likes' that people had
amassed on their trips. It was a weird feeling, that I could have updated my
friends during the trip or whatever. But after the trip now, whenever I see
people check-in when in big trips to europe it just seems like rubbing it in
the face of your friends who might be stressed out, grieving, or whatever
else.

------
pirateking
I agree with this post. It confronts a big problem with the Internet, and the
whole cheap-and-easy-creation, mass-consumption, turbo charged information
vortex it spins.

People (and companies) are too busy crafting the meta-perception of themselves
and their products, rather than spending serious time crafting themselves and
their products. And who can blame them for such short sighted thinking - it is
such an easy option and provides real short term benefits. For companies, ad-
revenue and growth potential (growth is very important you see, because once
you grow big you can...?). For people, self-validation and attention (a real
chance to sway people your way! - until a few seconds later when someone else
lures them away with a new post).

The future is now, tomorrow is gone forever.

------
danboarder
I agree that many people "overshare" and misuse social media as he describes.
This is a very subjective area where some people prefer to share more and
others prefer privacy. If sharing is compulsive/addictive it can be a lot of
fun but perhaps also a problem.

I use hootsuite to share via social media (twitter/facebook/linkedIN etc) as
channels for sharing interesting news, and perhaps 10% of my posts are vaguely
personal (sunset photo I took that evening for example).

In my experience online and social media (including HN here) are like a
flowing river - the conversation is always flowing... it's nice to take a swim
once in a while, just don't get swept away.

------
artursapek
I don't share anything personal I do online. I haven't had a Facebook account
for 8 months. Best decision I've made this year.

------
marban
Another root cause:

"I started to compare my life to others, hating people based off of their
status. All it brought me was anger and a lower self-confidence. Almost
immediately after deleting it, I felt better. I'm mostly ok with how I live my
life and I don't need to compare my life to that of others."

via
[http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/11wm5w/to_those_w...](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/11wm5w/to_those_who_have_left_facebook_what_is_your/)

------
ricardobeat
I've done both. Me and my wife did a very similar trip in 2007 - 19 cities in
45 days, carrying DLSRs. I spent a huge amount of time taking pictures (~2500)
which I still haven't managed to tag and organize 6 years later.

Just last month I went to LXJS and extended my stay into a month-long trip,
carrying a DSLR _and_ and iPhone. I rarely took the camera out of my bag, and
shot maybe 500 pictures total, most of those using the iPhone.

Aside the fact that the phone actually takes better pictures in low light than
my professional 3-year-old DSLR, I couldn't bother to use the camera for a
couple reasons: 1) more hand work 2) a bit more difficult to share; taking SD
card out, importing to the iPad 3) 90% of the time someone has already taken a
nicer picture of whatever I'm looking at.

I had 3G for almost the whole trip, used Foursquare, Facebook, Path, Twitter
and Skype _a lot_ , and don't feel that this has taken out anything from the
experience. In fact I believe I spent less time overall messing with tech than
when I was intent on doing photography, and being able to effortlessly keep in
touch both with my family at home and people I met along the way was really
nice.

------
victorantos
Facebook can improve your social life, you need to put some effort into it

~~~
marban
or fake it ;)
[http://www.someecards.com/usercards/viewcard/MjAxMi1hY2U3OWM...](http://www.someecards.com/usercards/viewcard/MjAxMi1hY2U3OWM2ZmUzOTgyYjI3)

------
wylie
When I used film, this is exactly how I felt. Like each moment was precious
and worth saving. Now that I use my phone and DSLR more, it's much easier to
share, and therefore I do it more. There's a lot to be said for adding a
barrier to sharing. Shameless plug: my startup, Backspaces, is doing exactly
that.

------
rglover
Here's an idea: moment quota. Set up a social network similar to those that
exist, but implement a cap. You then have to choose what really matters.

A good example is Dribbble. To prevent excessive posting you have a cap (per
month) that you can use. At the end of the month, you're topped off with more
posts (or "shots" in their language).

This would make people not only enjoy networks more (and be conscious of what
they share), but make the experience of taking in other people's content
actually exiting.

------
jamesrcole
I've skimmed through the comments and I (at least from that) haven't seen
anyone mention what I think's the most interesting question:

Is there a way we can improve social media tools (or replace them with
something different) that helps minimize their negative effects and maximise
their potential?

In the scheme of things, computers are a very new technology and Facebook and
the like even newer still. I wouldn't be surprised if there's still a lot of
room left for improvement.

------
villagefool
Putting aside the issue of posting about oneself, I wonder if there is
research data whether not keeping track of others/society makes one less
achieving or more...

------
forgetcolor
perhaps try facebook w/o the metrics? no likes might make you less envious.
<http://bengrosser.com/projects/facebook-demetricator/>

------
cdestroyer
".....and got this idea that the value of a moment is directly proportional to
the number of likes it receives."

LOL I cannot agree more to this.

------
par
You can't stop progress! ;)

