
Ask HN: What should I do with my life? - whamlastxmas
I&#x27;m a full stack developer and I quit my last job about a year ago after having a personal crisis that I&#x27;ve now recovered from. I&#x27;ve traveled some the past year but have mostly sat around not doing much.<p>I have no real interests other than hanging with friends and family and socializing. I browse reddit all day due to a lack of other things I want to do. If I won the lottery I don&#x27;t think my life would change at all.<p>How am I supposed to figure out what I want to do for a living when I have no interests? I&#x27;ve tried many things in my life but I find them boring after trying them for a while. I have all the time in the world and a decent amount of money and I&#x27;m under 30 and healthy. I feel like I&#x27;m throwing away my life.<p>I used to have an entrepreneurial spirit and worked on a startup for a bit before I had my crisis last year and had to stop. I feel like the passion for that is gone now because there&#x27;s nothing I&#x27;m interested in and want to work on.<p>What&#x27;s my first step supposed to be when there&#x27;s nothing I really want to do?
======
DoreenMichele
As someone who has dealt with a lot of personal crap, it sounds to me like you
aren't actually recovered yet. A personal crisis eats your world and when you
_think_ it is over, it really isn't.

Think of it kind of like major surgery. You don't go back to work full time
the day after surgery. It can take weeks or months to recover post surgery.

I get super frustrated during periods when my energy is rising, but I still
don't really have my act together yet. I am bored and restless and aggravated
and can't focus and it makes me crazy.

Work on your physical health. Work on your sleep hygiene. Work on any loose
ends remaining from your crisis.

You sound to me like someone still physically and mentally tired and not
really over whatever went down. You need to completely recover before you will
feel inspired or interested in anything.

If money is not an issue, give yourself another 3 to 6 months to wrap up your
recovery process. Revisit The Meaning of Life and _Whatever Shall I Do?_ type
questions when you are more recovered.

~~~
whamlastxmas
I appreciate your perspective on me maybe not being recovered. It's not
something I considered, and I'm historically a very poor judge of my own
mental well-being. I will spend time considering this.

Tying up loose ends from my crisis is difficult because it involves someone
else I haven't spoken to since. I'm not sure it's my place to instigate that,
and it frankly feels as though it may still be too soon for both of us.
Regardless you motivated me to draft a short message inviting a discussion and
I'll spend the next few days considering whether to send it.

Thank you for the kind and thoughtful response.

~~~
DoreenMichele
Writing them likely would open up a can of worms, not resolve things. You are
making a mistake to frame this as something that cannot be resolved without
their cooperation. You need to deal with your end of things even if they never
speak to you again, even if they die in a car wreck tomorrow or turn out to be
a sadist acting with malice aforethought who has no desire to resolve
anything. Let me suggest you instead do one or more of the following:

1\. Journal as a way to sort your thoughts and deal with your feelings.

2\. Figure out how and why things went wrong as a means to learn from it so
you are less likely to go through this again. Fear of being hurt in the same
way is a huge obstacle to moving on. The best antidote is to learn from the
experience so that is unlikely.

3\. Pursue a creative outlet, like music, art or poetry, as a means to fully
express the depths of your feelings about the matter.

4\. "Forgive" yourself. Most people are raised with either a shame or a guilt
model and really beat themselves up when things go wrong. The reality is that
life is a growth experience. You aren't going to have all the answers, all the
time for everything. Accepting that and dealing gently and compassionately
with yourself is one of best things you can do to help you move on from social
drama.

Best.

~~~
whamlastxmas
I did thankfully already decide to not send it. I realized I didn't really
need the other person as part of the equation, as you said.

I think I'll go grab a guitar a friend offered me for free and play with that.
I used to in college.

------
goblins
I'm the better part of 40 and I still don't know what I want to do. I've
drifted through life from one thing to another with no direction, focus, or
interest.

Like you I've tried many things (though mine are probably more extreme at a
guess) but after a while I lose interest.

Depression has dogged me all my life like a bed-fellow, and that my friend
sounds a lot like what you are experiencing. My depression stemmed from the
seeming pointlessness of life.

Ive come to realise it is pointless there's no grand design, no reason, no
meaning; it just is. So I just am. Nearly 40 years and I'm pretty happy with
this; nice house, beautiful wife, two wonderful children, a job where I make a
difference (to people's lives not some boss's bottom line) even if I don't
really like a lot of the baggage that comes with it.

Rather than spending all day reading Reddit try some books. Buddhist
philosophy (zen), daoist philosophy (Dao De jing, Zhuangzi), stoic philosophy
(quite popular these days).

Maybe it helps and maybe it doesn't.

~~~
whamlastxmas
I've started limiting time wasting on the internet and hopefully I stick with
it. I think it will help!

------
montrose
If you don't have something you want to do, find something. You can't know
about all the things there are to do in the world. Go explore some you don't
know much about.

There are heuristics for doing this. You don't have to explore randomly. One
heuristic is to start from people you think are cool, and learn about what
they do. Another is to ask yourself if there are things you're overlooking
because they seem too hard, or not what you're expected (by e.g your parents,
or society) to do.

There are so many things to do. The probability that not one of them would be
fun for you is very low.

~~~
whamlastxmas
> One heuristic is to start from people you think are cool, and learn about
> what they do.

I think this is really good advice, thank you.

I think running a business is cool, being the one who facilitates everyone
else in their work so that something meaningful can be made. I guess that's
sort of a product manager position, which I think would be fulfilling if it
was a meaningful product. But the problem is that it's pretty difficult to
find a job like that for someone with no management or leadership experience
and it's not something I can just do by myself. Maybe I can find a project
manager position as a stepping stone to this?

I will give this more thought. Thank you.

------
staunch
For me, life is about projects. Surviving school is a project. Learning how to
ride a motorcycle is a project. Having a marriage is a project. Having a baby
with someone is a project. Getting a job is a project. Each job is a project.
Learning to handle firearms is a project. Starting a company is a project.
Building a cabin is a project. Writing a book is a project. Learning to bake
sourdough is a project. Practicing yoga is a project. Everything worth doing
is a project.

In the course of projects you have social experiences, form relationships,
make money, fail, succeed, etc. You live an interesting life and evolve as a
person in unexpected ways.

You can't just sit isolated in a room and expect to enjoy life. You have to
find projects to do on your own and projects to do with other people. And, if
you're lucky, you do some projects that benefit a lot of other people.

------
zpatel
This is not necessarily a bad thing unless it's some kind of issue that
requires a doctor's attention.

Most people are in the rat race of this materialistic life and do not even get
time to think, let alone find meaning and purpose of their life which is not
necessarily worldly as proven by your lottery comment.

My advice - see if connecting with God and reflecting on his creations helps
you find the right path and purpose.

~~~
Fibo144
"My advice - see if connecting with God and reflecting on his creations helps
you find the right path and purpose. "

That's some confusing advice.

~~~
zpatel
what's confusing, am just saying try to reflect..

------
throwaway180118
>a personal crisis that I've now recovered from.

I'm sorry, but I don't think you have. You're browsing reddit all day and seem
unmotivated.

You need to speak to a therapist and consider medication. This is not a troll
post, I promise - I'm stuck in the same hole as you right now. A breakdown
last year that's given me a real sense of depersonalization.

~~~
whamlastxmas
The problem with therapy for me has been finding one that is helpful. They all
mean well but I think my answer lies more with someone who's experienced
similar hardships than it does with someone who's a spectator.

I also don't have health insurance because it's ridiculously expensive and I'm
quite healthy and always have been and accept the financial risks of not
having it. That said, getting medicated right now is probably prohibitively
expensive without insurance.

I appreciate your perspective on me maybe not being recovered. It's not
something I considered, and I'm historically a very poor judge of my own
mental well-being. I will spend time considering this.

Truly, thank you so much for the response

------
gtirloni
I liked what I read in "The Guide to a Good Life" [0] about the importance of
a philosophy of life. I'd advise to start there's exploring what's available
and finding out if anything in particular resonates. Maybe read/listen that
book and go from there.

0 -
[https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0195374614](https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0195374614)

~~~
whamlastxmas
Thank you, I will look into that!

------
crobertsbmw
Serve others. I’ve found one of the best ways to find fulfillment in life is
to focus on others and not yourself.

~~~
afpx
Can you give some examples? People mention this all the time, but it seems so
abstract.

~~~
leesec
For a smaller dose: Seek out any of the numerous volunteer activities that are
sure to be available in most cities.

For example, I found a literacy center near me that teaches adults who want it
reading/writing/basic math. I spent 3~ hours a week for 9~ months teaching a
man who had immigrated here and it was an extremely fulfilling experience for
both of us, at minimal effort.

------
itamarst
You may want to read the book "Your Money or Your Life", and
[http://mrmoneymustache.com](http://mrmoneymustache.com)

For some people work isn't their goal, it's other things. So it's not "how do
I find the job that will be the be-all of my life", it's "how can I get paid
enough to fund the things I actually care about."

If you have enough money that you don't need to work for now—that's fine.
Reduce your living expenses and it'll go even further.

When you need money, you can just get a job that you don't hate, cash your
paycheck, and not worry about "passion".

~~~
whamlastxmas
I'm pretty familiar with MMM and my frugal nature/minimalism is why I'm
capable of being unemployed for years. My problem extends past just income
though - I feel like I'm just existing without any purpose whatsoever. I think
it's important to find meaning in the work I do because having it missing in
my life causes a fair amount of distress and anxiety.

~~~
davymac
Get LSD for a new perspective. Not a joke.

~~~
whamlastxmas
If I'm ever offered some I'll take them up on it.

------
mike_n
been there. figuring out what you want to do and what you're all about is a
process. totally healthy and normal.

i can't say i support all the advice on this board to find religion. but to
each his/her own.

when i was in your shoes, i took some time off, traveled a bit. going to the
gym and showering every day is a good plan. Get StayFocusd or similar browser
extension, and set a 10-minute total-per-day limit on all news + social media
between the hours of 7am and 10pm.

try a musical instrument. it's social, fun, challenging, there's no end to how
good you can get if you stick with it, lots of lessons on youtube, and it's
relatively cheap (eg - used stratocaster guitar and 20W practice amp, and some
cables and a tuner and spare strings and an effects pedal or two and you're
set for a long time for <$1K)

If you can afford to be idle, maybe try auditing some classes at your local
university this semester. just browse the catalog and pick a few that sound
good, nobody's going to notice you in a lecture with more than 50 people in
it. computer science, economics, liberal arts, philosophy classes, whatever
amuses you. you're learning something and college campuses are full of ideas
and energy, and maybe it will inspire you.

~~~
whamlastxmas
You're one of a few to suggest less time on the internet and I think it's a
very good idea. Ultimately I need to keep trying even if it's historically not
resulted in much. Thank you for your kindness.

------
daryllxd
Hey man, a lot of suggestions in the thread, but I think you can also do some
journaling. Just open your text editor and write whatever you're feeling. For
me I thought this was stupid and a waste of time but it's nice to see your
thoughts and see the progression of how you're thinking/feeling. I sometimes
have crappy days where I write "I just played the Sims all day" or "I am
really not in the mood" and I find that for some reason I can't keep on
writing that same thing for several days in a row.

It's like when I write "I did crappy things" down, I get irritated with myself
for not being productive and I want to do better things tomorrow. Not
necessarily programming at first but something productive (like cook a meal,
exercise, etc.).

Not sure if this will help but for me it did so hopefully it works? Also eat
right and try to exercise. If you don't like exercise just take walks. I find
walking to be therapeutic too

~~~
whamlastxmas
I'm starting journaling today, it is a good idea. Thank you. I eat well and
exercise 3-4 times a week and I'm in good shape, so that's taken care of
thankfully.

~~~
daryllxd
How'd it go? :)

~~~
whamlastxmas
I actually started at a new job Wednesday and the past week and a half has
been a whirlwind of interviews and stress that I didn't have all that time I
normally do to have existential dread creep in. New job is awesome and 100%
remote and lets me keep a lot of my freedom and I think it's dramatically
improved my mood. I think it's just what I needed.

------
deepnet
Help others.

Guard the paths; protect the weak.

Teach what you know.

This journey, your journey, the words you wrote they will be questions asked
silently elsewhere by others.

In asking you are already brave.

Write about the journey as you have written this question.

This will help others and perhaps it will lead to someone suggesting
something, another good heuristic for knowledge is have many other minds
helping to answer your questions.

------
natalyarostova
Cultivating hobbies is sort of work at first. Perhaps you can find a hobby
that you really enjoy, and then find a job that lets you work a minimal number
of hours (say 35 hours a week), that covers expenses, and lets you focus on
doing stuff you enjoy.

Cultivating a real hobby will be more fulfilling for you than reddit, you'll
be happier.

~~~
whamlastxmas
I agree, thank you.

------
sbmthakur
Can't say what you are supposed to do, but I have few ideas.

Go back to your roots. Since you are a Full stack dev, you probably know a
thing or two about Computer Science. However, it is most likely true that you
don't know a lot. Even when you are not interested, it's always good to learn
something new about Computer science.

~~~
whamlastxmas
I think I've realized that what I'm doing with full-stack just isn't much of a
challenge anymore. You're right, learning something more deeply might be the
better way to go.

------
wateenellende
Oh dear - you have started seeing the matrix!

Seriously, the truth is, you've got it right. There is no pre-defined
'purpose' to existence. One day, the sun will be a bit of charcoal, and
that'll be the end.

With that established, you do have a whole life ahead of you that you're sort
of stuck with. There isn't much to do except have a blast while it lasts! What
else would make sense, after all.

There are a few restrictions, such as that you'll probably want to be
sufficiently productive to sustain a lifestyle with healthcare, food, clothing
and a safe place to sleep.

You have a lot going for you. You have the intelligence to figure out that
there questions about existence that society doesn't really have an answer to.
You have the wisdom and warmth to value friendship and family above other
things. You are probably physically healthy too.

Kind, wise, and a bit too smart than is good for your mental health.

Now, a few practical steps...

First, lay off Reddit and the like. It's just the digital equivalent of
alcohol: to be enjoyed in small doses, not too waste your days away. If you
find out that skipping a few days is hard, then you have discovered how
addictive these screens really are.

Second, much like advice already given, think of something you find cool, and
look into that. Do check if it allows a lifestyle that you want.

This is hard.

Today I dreamt of walking into a local bank and saying: "let's stop
foreclosing homes and making entire neighborhoods worthless. Let's just let
these people keep their house, and work on their budget management skills and
find a job for them. We'll issue a local iou-currency that costs us nothing,
give micro-credits in it, and start building a local, small-scale community
and economy. It's the only way to save them, and thereby, our bank."
Unfortunately, it's a few years late for that one.

Or I imagine working on transport and neighborhoods, just making things nicer.

Or try to figure out rules that would lead to a cost-efficient health care
system.

You say you have some financial freedom, maybe you can make a sufficiently
profitable dream a reality.

If you manage, let me know how you did it. I'm still working on that part.

Third, do keep busy. You'll have less time to think about your existential
crisis and you'll be more likely to come across something that you'll like,
which would solve the whole thing. At least it beats being on Reddit the whole
day.

Good luck.

~~~
whamlastxmas
I definitely need to lay off pointless internet. Thanks for calling me out. I
think that alone will help a lot. Thanks so much. Also thank you for the
compassion and kind words.

------
grawprog
Give it all up and become a mountain hermit? Live off the land, build a home
out of logs and commune with the animals.....then when you get tired of that
come back and remember why society is fairly great...or discover your true
self and remain as a mountain hermit.

~~~
whamlastxmas
I have no issues with society. I like living in my city and my friends and
family here. Is the point you're making more that my question is silly because
there's not really a way to answer it usefully?

~~~
grawprog
But by leaving all that. You can get to know yourself and discover what it is
that truly drives you. Everyone has something that drives them even if they
dont know. Sometime it takes drastically altering your life to discover that.
I was mostly joking about the forest hermit thing. It's more about maybe
making a big change to your life, doing something you're scared of or never
thought of doing and seeing where it takes you.

I mean if you find life dissatisfying now. What do you have to lose? But you
may discover something you never even knew existed. You said you have time and
money. What else are those things for if not trying new things in life? You
only get one to do things as far as we can tell. If what you're doing now
sucks and small things don't help try making a big ridiculous terrifying
change. Just do something on a whim. I've done it lots and I can tell you my
life certainly has been interesting. It doesn't always work out well but it's
never boring. I've been everything from a biologist to a programmer, to a
garderner to a cnc operator. I've ran my own business, I helped start a non-
profit organization. That's just work let alone my fucked up personal life.
I've never had a lot of money or time though. I just take the opportunities
that come and go where life takes me.

~~~
whamlastxmas
I have actually done some "fuck it" and leave it all behind in my past year. I
packed everything I owned in my car and moved across the country to a new
place I've never been before and lived on a vineyard in wine country CA for a
while. I also once just packed a single backpack and drove off into the sunset
on a road trip with no plans for a couple weeks.

I learned valuable things from my experiences - I learned how much I value the
meaningful friendships and connections I have in my life. I learned that my
concept of "I could be happy if only I found the right place to live" to be
untrue, as I knew before but had trouble believing until I tried it for
myself. I learned how great it is to meet new people, which was new for me as
a life-long introvert.

I do really value my friends, my relationship, and my family. They give me
meaning in life more than anything else, and I don't just want to leave it all
behind to find myself because I feel I've mostly already done that.

My last resort in life would be to move to Thailand to become a Buddhist monk.
But I'm not quite there yet.

~~~
webmaven
_> I do really value my friends, my relationship, and my family. They give me
meaning in life more than anything else_

If that's the case, then reframe the question to some variation of _" what
should I do with my life that will enhance/maximize the relationships I find
meaningful?"_, or perhaps _" what should I do with my life that will bring me
into contact with more of the kind of people I would want as friends?"_.

For example, if your family/friends tend to be literary folks, you might
consider becoming a librarian, or managing a bookstore.

------
allhailkatt
Try working through the DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) handbook. It's
designed to build skills to lessen the impact of anxiety, depression, and
other chronic mental illnesses, and draws a lot from Stoicism.

Particularly, there are exercises meant to help you find your values, then
figure out how to do more things you find valuable in your life.

Link: [https://www.amazon.com/DBT%C2%AE-Skills-Training-Manual-
Seco...](https://www.amazon.com/DBT%C2%AE-Skills-Training-Manual-
Second/dp/1462516998)

~~~
whamlastxmas
I will look into this, thank you.

------
bcbrown
Read [https://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-
Perennial-...](https://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-
Classics/dp/0061339202). Turns out it's actually mostly about finding meaning
in life.

~~~
whamlastxmas
I started reading this today and I think it was a very good recommendation.
Thank you!

------
maruhan2
Similar experience here. For me, the changing point was meeting a coworker who
wanted to study and work on personal projects with me. So, one suggestion I
can make is trying to work in various companies and find a buddy that can help
u find your interest.

------
janeroe
I was in a similar position. No interests, nothing. Started reading all kinds
of books. Ended up with the computer science ones, began learning low level
stuff. Life is meaningful again. It's just webdev wasn't fulfilling enough
anymore.

~~~
whamlastxmas
Someone else suggested the same thing and I think you're both right. I will
give that a shot. Thank you!

------
leesec
I don't want to give a blanket statement since everyone is different, but send
me a PM if you need someone to talk to.

I can at the very least be a listening ear, and maybe provide some advice
having been in similar places.

~~~
whamlastxmas
This is very generous, thank you so much.

------
nickthemagicman
Moxie Marlinspike wrote an great post about this.

[https://moxie.org/blog/career-advice/](https://moxie.org/blog/career-advice/)

~~~
whamlastxmas
This was good, thank you!

------
stealthcat
A Life Worth Living
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ssc_dJjcnv8](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ssc_dJjcnv8)

------
togusa2017
If was you, I would learn mountain climbing or any skills which give me more
confidence and create meaning in life. I would say learn something which
interest you.

------
zanedb
If you need someone to talk to about _anything_, send me a Keybase message,
Twitter DM, email, etc.

I don't have any general advice but would love to help.

Info in profile.

~~~
whamlastxmas
You're very kind, thank you so much.

------
davidjnelson
Are there any groups of people that would feel good to help in some way? That
might be a movement that leads to some fulfilling activities.

------
anfilt
Learn VHDL, and get your self a FPGA dev board. Tinker just do anything that
does not harm you.

~~~
whamlastxmas
I had to Google this and had no idea something like this existed. It's quite
interesting but I think it's a fair bit more industrial than what I'd ever
need. I've never even pushed an Arduino etc to its limits. I appreciate you
showing me something new though!

------
tehlike
Where are you based?

~~~
whamlastxmas
Houston

~~~
tehlike
Ah sorry, was going to offer in person meeting if you were in the bay. I might
have gone through similar phase myself - it is very blurry last couple years,
but this year found something that keeps me running.

~~~
whamlastxmas
That is very thoughtful of you, thank you. Everyone responding has been much
kinder and warmer than I ever expected.

~~~
tehlike
I believe many of us are going through somewhat similar phases, or
experiences. It's partly emphathy :)

------
mnooraja
learning qur'an

------
dlnprsl
Maybe start to know what our Creator is like, his attribute, and what our
Creator want us to do. If you don't trust that there is an Creator, you just
have to find out whether if Bible is our Creator's word or not, and talk about
truth or not(compare Bible with some science and history), because all things
about Creator can be found from Bible.

I think this is a good start, because of course our Creator is the person with
most wisdom. And simply, our Creator is the one who create us, so we must know
why he create us to have a meaningful life.

~~~
CodeKommissar
Kind of an off-topic question; I've never read the bible and I thought this
year would be a good time to do so. What version of the bible would you
recommend? I've browsed online and notices that there many version but I don't
which would be a good one to begin reading. Thanks :)

~~~
tlb
R. Crumb's Illustrated Genesis is a great way to start.
[https://www.amazon.com/Book-Genesis-Illustrated-R-
Crumb/dp/0...](https://www.amazon.com/Book-Genesis-Illustrated-R-
Crumb/dp/0393061027/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1517543766&sr=8-1&keywords=crumb+genesis).
It's much easier to understand some of the customs with drawings. Only a small
part of Genesis is supernatural, the rest is an epic human story.

For the rest of the bible, pick one with modern language. Although the
antiquated language of the King James Version feels more serious, it's easy to
misunderstand.

