
My Name Is Daniel: He Could Have Been My Son. He Was Killed at 29 - Joel64
https://medium.com/@joeleisenberg/his-name-was-daniel-7c0c590f3160
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mmoez
A postscript was published a few days ago:
[https://medium.com/@joeleisenberg/his-name-was-daniel-
postsc...](https://medium.com/@joeleisenberg/his-name-was-daniel-postscript-
cd0533647e5c)

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sjg007
I am not sure how we solve the peer validation issue. We can clearly see the
impact of some surrogate parental validation here from the teacher to Daniel
and it had a big impact. The peer validation issue though remained larger
while he was in school really to Daniel's detriment. It really impacted his
learning and it is very hard to separate out from the social setting. It takes
a lot of delayed gratification in a place that feels much more permanent. This
sets him up for difficulty later in life with no academic skills. I wonder if
we can afford to do one on one intensive teaching for a while or maybe even
small group classes (say 3 kids). This is a kid who clearly wanted a way out
but didn't know how or believe he could. One on one therapy with a transition
to small group classes works very well for kids with behavioral issues and
autism. Also some psychological and CBT would have helped. That or we focus on
military type boarding school but even those are hit and miss. I think our
government really needs to step in and fund some alternatives so that we can
end this epidemic.

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danielcarver
We can solve the peer validation issue by ceasing to create it in the first
place.

In the model of human development I and my peers were taught in public school
in America, humans start out life as “parent-oriented” people. Then when we go
to school we become “peer-oriented.” I was taught that the transition from
“parent orientation” to “peer orientation” is natural, inevitable, and healthy
— but _it’s none of those things._ In fact, transitioning to a peer
orientation has ill effects on many people, including this dude Daniel.

Being peer-oriented rather than parent-oriented is obviously unhealthy: just
look at Daniel’s plight for proof of this obvious fact. But we teach that peer
orientation is THE ONE AND ONLY healthy path to adulthood. We need to change
what we teach. Daniel clearly yearned to connect with surrogate parent figures
like this dude Joel, but _the system was set up to keep him oriented towards
his peers rather than parents or surrogate parent figures._

No wonder Daniel suffered the consequences of peer-orientation when the entire
school system is set up to make him oriented towards his peers.

Daniel is a casualty of the system. His “faults” were created and managed by
the system itself. Daniel is the victim here and blaming the victim is not a
good look.

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esotericn
This is a great post.

I feel much the same about life in state school in the UK.

You're chucked into a cage, essentially, with a bunch of unformed humans, when
what is really needed is a solid set of role models. Teachers can't provide
that wholly, because not everyone wants to be a teacher.

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sjg007
Aptly captured in Lord of the Flies.

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scarejunba
Yo, so what exactly is wrong with these guys? They are born in America and
have so much support and they suck. Some of my friends grew up in rural Asia
(yeah, the places of which people make fun of for lack of toilets or for poor
English accents) and they freaking kick ass in America, becoming software
engineers off loans they pay for themselves and shit like that.

And then these dudes are given free education _and_ mentors and all they can
come up with is getting shot in a car chase? Come on.

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whack
Your friends may have been poor, but they probably had a stable family. They
probably had parents who showed them love, made them feel safe, and taught
them to follow the rules, work hard and dream big. It's scary how
dysfunctional a person becomes, when they are deprived of those things.

I've seen this in a number of kids/adults who grew up in abusive homes.
There's something inside them that is broken. Some people should just not be
allowed to have kids.

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Justsignedup
Family stability, love, and community support play the biggest role in
motivation and self-being. Ever try to get a depressed person to do something
productive?

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sadris
Not really. Shared environment generally doesn't matter for behavioral traits.

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csense
The author tried to give him a chance, and it almost worked.

But then Daniel chose to do drugs. He chose to rob people. He chose to shoot a
cop.

I have zero sympathy for Daniel.

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doodliego
Wrenching story, wow. One of those ones where you don't know what to say.

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jamisteven
Mensa brilliant? Dont believe so.

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glandium
_" You’re gonna teach me about the Holocaust, which never happened?"_

 _" Join your ancestors and die in an oven."_

Ok so, if the Holocaust didn't happen, how exactly did the teacher's ancestors
"die in an oven"?

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nzb
It's a plausible theory for the numbers to have been exaggerated.

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ee445522
A fuck-up will always be a fuck-up. And if they get their life straight for a
short while, it's just a matter of time until their next relapse. Sad but
true. And from their perspective it's never their own fault, it's always you
or someone else's fault. Save yourself from a lot of headache by reducing your
interactions with these kind of people, because they will just drain you of
your energy.

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danielcarver
You are incorrect. There are plenty of people who get their lives together
after long periods of “fucking up.”

Save yourself a lot of headache by abandoning your delusion that “a fuck-up
will always be a fuck-up.”

