
How to hack the beliefs that are holding you back - _hgt1
http://swombat.com/2012/7/20/hack-beliefs
======
jaysonelliot
The author's commentary about money really struck home with me. I had the very
same problem for most of my life, and never realized it until last year.

About a year ago, I wrote what I thought was a throwaway tweet, "I give up, I
admit it—I suck at money."

Several people were kind enough to take my tweet seriously, and through
several recommendations and some great advice, I chose to find out why that
was. It turned out to be my mindset and self-image that was the problem. The
bit about pushing money away because you subconsciously believe there's
something wrong with having it was powerful and true for me. I learned about
that mindset from the book "Secrets of the Millionaire Mind" by T. Harv Eker.

It's a corny title, and the book itself can make you feel kind of corny
reading it. Unfortunately, most books about money tend to be that way. You
just have to deal with it. Stick a fake cover on the book or read it on a
tablet where no-one can see what you're reading. The thing is, that T. Harv
Eker book made me really look at _why_ I was bad with money, not how I was bad
with it. I'd be interested to know if this is where the author found out about
his own subconscious blocks.

Two other books that helped me were "The Automatic Millionaire" by David Bach,
which taught me to put my savings on autopilot, and "I Will Teach You to be
Rich" by Ramit Sethi. Ramit is an author and blogger in his twenties who I've
found to have the best day-to-day info and motivation to keep me on track.

No matter how good you are at anything else in your life, if you have a bad
relationship with money, you'll suffer for it. I'm just glad I finally (if
sort of passively) asked for help.

~~~
digitalengineer
I love how the Americans say they're "making money". That's exactly what
you're doing. Money is the product of people who create something of value.
Don't think of it as "the root of all evil" ;-)

~~~
justsee
This is where we should wheel out Francisco's money speech in Atlas Shrugged:
[http://capitalismmagazine.com/2002/08/franciscos-money-
speec...](http://capitalismmagazine.com/2002/08/franciscos-money-speech/)

(I'm not an Ayn Rand fan and found lots of her ideas in Atlas Shrugged
ridiculous, but thought that speech was rather good).

~~~
gruseom
You got me curious. I don't have the fortitude to read through all of that but
I dipped in here and there. What leapt out at me is how utterly Russian it is.
The speech reads like an English translation of an ideological Russian novel,
which I suppose in some sense it is. Rand comes across as a shrill and
graphomanic anti-Dostoevsky. (Dostoevsky was a polar opposite kind of
conservative to AR, if she can be called conservative, and boy would he have
had a field day with this.)

Rand's desire to take her idea as far as it can possibly go, in classic
can't-make-an-omelette-without-breaking-eggs style, is as Russian as vodka.
Think Bazarov the nihilist in "Fathers and Sons". Or better, Chernyshevsky's
"What is to be Done?" which is famous for two things: having inspired
generations of Russian revolutionaries and being a bit of a literary
embarrassment.

Here's an example. This is interesting and at least plausible:

    
    
      No other language or nation had ever used these words ["to make
      money"] before; men had always thought of wealth as a static
      quantity [...] Americans were the first to understand that wealth
      has to be created.
    

But she follows it with a non sequitur so stupid that one wonders whether it
is parody:

    
    
      The words ‘to make money’ hold the essence of human morality.
    

This kind of totalism isn't particularly American; there are no checks and
balances for miles. Rather, it's a foreign species that has flourished in
certain American soils. It's easy to see why the greed-is-good
financialization crowd would go in for someone who writes things like "Money
is the product of virtue". Much more interesting is the question of its
popular appeal. There I think you have to look at what Steinbeck famously
pointed out, that America doesn't have poor, it has temporarily embarrassed
millionaires.

There's an awesome novel to be written by someone with the ability to grasp
all this at its root. Rand didn't write such a novel but she would make a
great character in it.

~~~
adavies42
> The speech reads like an English translation of an ideological Russian
> novel, which I suppose in some sense it is. Rand comes across as a shrill
> and graphomanic anti-Dostoevsky. (Dostoevsky was a polar opposite kind of
> conservative to AR, if she can be called conservative, and boy would he have
> had a field day with this.)

Rand was a fan of Dostoevsky (see _The Romantic Manifesto_
<http://www.amazon.com/dp/0451149165>). (By comparison, she couldn't stand
Tolstoy, and considered _Anna Karenina_ one of the (morally) worst books ever
written.)

Sciabarra's _Ayn Rand: The Russian Radical_
<http://www.amazon.com/dp/0271014415> considers her from a perspective that
sounds similar to yours. (I haven't read it myself.)

~~~
gruseom
_Rand was a fan of Dostoevsky_

That's emotionally unsurprising but ideologically weird, since for Dostoevsky
money is anything but "the product of virtue" and wealth creation is the last
thing his characters are interested in. They kill for money, gamble for it,
burn it, tear it up and throw it away, but the one thing they never do is
rationally invest it.

Dostoevsky lived on the edge financially until late in life and thought that a
society based on "wealth creation" was vulgar and spiritually dead. He
critiqued it hilariously in _The Gambler_.

 _a perspective that sounds similar to yours_

Yes, what I'm saying is that Ayn Rand was probably a Russian radical who
merely flipped the high-order ideological bit. In other words, she's closer to
Stalin than to Adam Smith.

~~~
adavies42
Rand also liked Victor Hugo and Mickey Spillane.

If you're at all interested in her aesthetic principles, give _The Romantic
Manifesto_ a try--it's an essay collection, and quite short (by her standards
at least--about 200 pages).

~~~
gruseom
My point is that she had at least as much cause to reject Dostoevsky on
"moral" grounds as Tolstoy. I'd bet a fiver that she has to twist herself into
quite some contortion to justify that one.

Ayn Rand is interesting, in my opinion, as a pathological case. In that
respect she's very interesting - like, super weird. As I said, she and the
social ripples around her would make a brilliant subject for a great comic
novelist, if there were one around with the depth to get it right
psychologically. But I'm not going to work on anything like that, so I have
little reason to read her. Sorry if I'm offending you by being so dismissive.
I do appreciate your comments.

~~~
justsee
Thanks for the rather punchy, refreshing literary and ideological analysis of
Rand in this thread. It's a pity you're not going to contribute more words to
a critique of her ideas, but I can certainly understand why.

In one brief excursion you've managed to survey the land of Rand and come away
with the essence of what I found so absurd about Atlas Shrugged, the only book
of hers I've read.

As a young pup I found it enjoyable, and her relentless romanticism did manage
to cultivate within me an appreciation of capitalism, industry, and money at
some emotional level (that was not unlike jaysonelliot's experience with more
traditional financial self-help books).

However I left the novel amused by its absurdity and extremism and promptly
discovered the world of Objectivists and the cult of Rand. At that point
amusement turned to bemusement at the ideological adoration heaped on her by
what seemed to be a whole intellectual movement. Eek.

As you mention, it's easy to see why the greed-is-good financialization crowd
go in for Rand - she provides a satisfactorily-sized ideological fig-leaf for
naked greed.

I'm off to read some Dostoevsky.

~~~
gruseom
_I'm off to read some Dostoevsky._

In that case I've done some good! If you want his critique of capitalism, _The
Gambler_ is pretty good. But if you want sheer entertainment, I think _The
Double_ is one of the best things Dostoevsky ever wrote. It was only his
second novel, and before he was sent to Siberia. His first novel _Poor Folk_
had made him a huge star (even though it's no longer thought to be very good).
So he thought he'd top that and came out with _The Double_ which was so weird
and out-there that everybody immediately pronounced him a has-been. It's
complete genius, though, and very funny.

Edit: if on the other hand you want the classics then _Crime and Punishment_
is likely your best bet. It's all about what happens when someone takes an
idea to its extreme conclusion and acts on it. And it's his easiest big novel
from a story point of view.

------
adambenayoun
Great article.

I think I can relate to his fear of sending out invoices. I had the same fear
not with sending invoices but more precisely pricing proposal. I would fear
that my prices would be too high, that perhaps I would lose the job because of
that. That maybe (deep thoughts) that I wasn't worth the money I was asking
for (Thankfully I'm not longer thinking this way).

And every time I would send that pricing proposal only after re-reading it 10
times to make sure I leave enough space so I can back down without looking
like a total idiot, I would receive an email accepting the pricing proposal
and thus re-enforcing that I wasn't charging too much and that everything was
ok.

It's important to understand that through your pricing you are setting the
perceived value of your services. If you price them too low, people won't
bother taking you because their perception of your value will be low. If your
price is too high you might be perceived as too greedy.

The last part of your blog post resonated really well with me as well, as an
entrepreneur you need to build an entourage of good people who can support and
help you overcome you inner fears but also challenge you when they think
you're wrong. You need a winning team.

~~~
Alan01252
I'm shocked that in the last five minutes the two comments on this post so far
are both from people, who, like myself, and the friend in the article, worry
about sending invoices!

I thought it was just something I was struggling with. It's re-assuring (in a
strange way), to know that these are fears that a lot of people have and not
just myself. Fortunately my Mrs won't let me get away with not pressing that
big nasty send button!

~~~
adambenayoun
It's indeed re-assuring to find out that your fears are not unique and that
many other people think the same way you do. I think basically that people
fear anything that is related to money.

I found that the hardest part is not about sending invoice tho, but the
hardest part is to actually collect the money. I once dealt with a company I
needed to collect money from for a job I did, it took me 364 days (yes, almost
a year!) to get the money wired. Thing is it could have been dealt faster (it
was part my fault as well), but I kept delaying talking to the people in
charge of accounting because I really didn't like the though of begging for my
hard earned money.

Part of that fear by the way is derived from the fact that you still want to
retain some kind of good relationship with the company/individual and you
wouldn't want to harm any potential future jobs. However if you're not getting
paid instantly, would you really keep working for the same guy?

I have a rule in my company, we pay immediately after the job is done. We
don't wait 1 week, 2 weeks or 60 days like some other companies. We pay
immediately and I think so far it paid off since freelancers like to work for
us.

~~~
zcvosdfdgj
"but I kept delaying talking to the people in charge of accounting because I
really didn't like the though of <b>begging for my hard earned money</b>."

I think this is exactly the problem the article is talking about. The idea
that asking someone to pay for something they purchased equates to "begging".

I've never had this problem (I've sent out invoices for $5, and if you're a
day late, expect to hear from me the next day.. it took 2 invoices to collect
that $5, btw).

I think it's helpful to put yourself in their shoes. Could you imagine calling
one of your freelancers, having them do work for you, and then not paying
them? When they call, would you think they were begging for their money or
being greedy?

Of course not. If there's no dispute about the work, then you know you owe
them money. You know you never paid for the product you purchased.

I don't think of Safeway as greedy when they ask me to pay for a loaf of
bread. And I wouldn't expect a customer to think I'm begging when I remind
them they haven't paid their bills.

------
kjhughes
Good post. I'd add another hack: While maintaining drive toward a big success,
establish and reach small goals along the way. This keeps one from being held
back by fears that can crop up around success; it safeguards against using
unattainable goals as a type of irrational defense mechanism.

Strings of small successes also provide fertile, solid ground for successful
pivots as more is learned. An endless set of reworked plans toward overly
grandiose goals can be a barren pivot quagmire.

~~~
larrys
"establish and reach small goals along the way"

Agree. And even smaller. Reaching small goals give you a positive rush that
allows you to take on a bigger challenge and not get depressed attempting it
while sitting idly by and doing nothing.

Let's say you put off cleaning up your office. You've dreaded doing it for the
longest time. One day you come in and you make serious progress on that. You
feel great you're all pumped up (even though in a sense you haven't
accomplished anything that anyone else would view as great (maybe your mother
possibly but that's about it, right)). So you complete this really small
"goal". And you are all jacked up and are ready to take on something else more
serious that you have put off doing.

Another example might be to cure a programming block by writing some shell
script that does something you want to do that automates something. It easily
accomplish-able in one sitting and provides immediate benefit. You are then in
the flow to go onto tackling something larger. It's like a warm up.

I like to intersperse my day (and am lucky to be able to do so) forking from
one thing to another thing. Anything that I have put off doing I can generally
get myself into the groove of doing by doing something that while I might not
like to do I can "accomplish". (Well, most of the time.)

~~~
rprospero
See, I've always had the opposite effect. Whenever I accomplish one of my
small goals, I don't get all jacked up. I just feel like crap. I'll probably
feel like crap for the rest of the day. Honestly, I probably prefer focusing
on the big goals because then I know that I will feel at least decent for a
while until it's done.

~~~
larrys
"I've always had the opposite effect."

Interesting. Thanks for that comment. I'd like to hear more of what others
experience whether similar to what you feel or what I stated. I would consider
myself a workaholic and prefer to do something rather than lounge around. To
me doing nothing or relaxing generally feels negative with only a few
exceptions or rationalizations.

------
coliveira
This is pop psychology. Most self-help authors, and even successful people
like Oprah, make the mistake of confusing cause and effect. Feeling confident
helps with acquiring success (and I agree it is better than the opposite), but
it is a very, very small component of it. On the contrary, if you talk to many
successful people they will tell you that they didn't have much confidence in
themselves at the beginning.

The trick, however, is that you definitely feel confident once you're
successful, so you believe (after the fact) that this might be the cause.

Becoming successful by mental affirmations is like saying that you can have a
convertible car by just feeling the wind in your face. Owners of a convertible
will tell you that this is the real feeling -- but it is not the cause for
them having the car in the first place.

The link between mental affirmations and making money is even weaker: many
times you don't even need to be successful to have a lot of it. Most fortunes
are result of inheritance, marriage, blind luck (lottery winners), being in
the right place at the right time (e.g., an early engineer at Google), and,
don't forget about it, corruption.

~~~
swombat
You can't become successful with affirmations, and that's not at all what I've
been talking about. What I proposed is that some beliefs are holding you back
and you can neutralise them with affirmations and other similar tools.

Chanting "I'm going to be rich" in front of a mirror is not going to make you
rich, but constantly, internally repeating to yourself "I'm not going to be
rich" will most likely make you poor.

~~~
coliveira
I agree that the negative thoughts may hold you back -- and this is an
important self-awareness step -- but the affirmations don't do any good for
you, either. You are wasting time that could be better spent doing something
that may give you a better chance to become successful, like starting a
company or learning to sell effectively.

~~~
dasil003
This is an awfully bold statement. It's difficult to overstate the impact of
an individual's psychology. Self-awareness is not a simple binary switch you
flip and then you have perspective. Every moment of our experience in the
world is created by our brains in fractal recursion. If it's 10000 layers of
abstraction down to the neurons, we can only hope to be consciously aware of
the top 4 or 5. I'm not sure why you would jump to the conclusion that
affirmations can't do anything beneficial for anyone.

~~~
wallflower
On the topic of Free Will, a new book that I would like to read:

> His absolutist position, I should add, because, as he puts it near the
> beginning of the book: "Free will is an illusion. Our wills are simply not
> of our own making. Thoughts and intentions emerge from background causes of
> which we are unaware and over which we exert no conscious control." We
> assume that we could have made other choices in the past, Harris continues,
> and we also assume that we consciously originate "our thoughts and actions
> in the present. . . . Both of these assumptions are false."

[http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/books/review/free-will-
by-...](http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/books/review/free-will-by-sam-
harris.html)

~~~
dasil003
Well this took a left turn, but I can't resist commenting any time I see a
claim that free will is an illusion.

I'm not very enamored with the viewpoint, and especially in this quote the
matter-of-factness with which it is presented. I believe it comes out of the
hubris that a particular variety of rationalist has about the nature of
knowledge. Some people only want truth to be the things which are tractable by
science and are in a hurry to reduce the possibilities to materialism and
determinism in pursuit of this goal. They trot out all manner of superficial
evidence (such as this brain-activity-before-awareness study) that is nothing
more than affirming the conclusion in the face of such overarching
philosophical questions. When confronted with the possibilities borne of
dualism or other philosophies they invoke Occam's razor and denounce such
arguments as irrational appeals to the "supernatural".

In my opinion, these people are just bad philosophers. It's no different than
a theologian coming in and trying to hamfistedly do science with a preexisting
agenda. You can't do good philosophy if you worship at the altar of
science—you need to be a bit more comfortable with the unknown and indeed
unknowability.

For me personally, the reason I can't dismiss free will is simply because of
consciousness itself. The fact that I am aware of my thoughts is to me more
valid evidence of free will than all the logical machinations that someone can
contrive to support the opposite. Even if the universe _is_ deterministic and
free will _is_ an illusion, it doesn't mean we can predict anyone's actions,
and if we can't do that then what does it mean to say free will isn't real?
Maybe chaos and entropy also don't exist, but if we can't compute them then
they are a perfectly secure "illusion".

Ugh, I'm sorry to waste my time and yours, but it really _really_ bothers me
when people demonstrate so much smug hubris about such a wonderfully large
philosophical question.

~~~
taupan
Wow, I wish I could have posted that as concisely.

Since you seem to be interested in philosophy, Gotthard Günther gives a very
profound criticism of materialist determinism and dualism. His works are
somewhat hard to access, since he wrote both in german and english and
developed his thoughts over the course of several books. I've only read a
summary so far (in german: "Technologische Zivilisation und Transklassische
Logik" by "Kurt Klagenfurt", a pseudonym for a collective of authors). His
main angle seems to be that even reasoning about consciousness and the notion
of "you" in dualistic terms leads to infinite regressions or paradoxes, as
Hegel has demonstrated.

I'll readily agree that this whole subject is quite a bit beyond the scope of
hacker news and popular "science reporting".

------
CWIZO
If you want to learn more about this I would suggest reading books by Louise
Hay. I don't know if OP got the idea from her, or if Louise is the first one
to come up with this, but she writes and practises this extensively.

One of the key concepts from her books is that we are all victims of victims.
Meaning that we got our bad thoughts from our parents who in turn got them
from their parents and so on. And the most important part of solving of any
problem you may have is to get to the root cause, which is usually some
interaction that you had, as a child, with your parents.

<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Louise_Hay> <http://www.louisehay.com/>

~~~
sopooneo
One thing I am surprised by with these types of theories is the lack of
awareness that some people have happy childhoods with parents who don't scar
them in any way. It's like it's taken as a given that a legacy of sadness runs
through every family.

~~~
ScottBurson
> some people have happy childhoods with parents who don't scar them in any
> way

Actually, they don't. All families are dysfunctional; there is no perfect
childhood. Everyone is scarred. This is, ironically, a wonderful thing! Anyone
who truly did have a perfect childhood... would never grow up.

Although we are all scarred by our childhoods, we are, however, scarred to
very different _degrees_. You might review your childhood in detail and find
nothing worse than an offhand cruel comment one of your parents made one
afternoon when they were a little drunk and something had gone sour in their
life. But I assure you, if you will look honestly, you will find _something_.

~~~
tripzilch
> But I assure you, if you will look honestly, you will find something.

Following the same reasoning, my horoscope is true.

I'm not sure if I disagree with you entirely, but your argument is silly. If
you look hard enough, you can find evidence for anything to _some_ degree.
It's a type of confirmation bias, in fact.

In my opinion it's most useful to look not at the degree of scarring, but the
degree of how much childhood events affect a person later in life.
Unfortunately, that makes the whole argument rather circular.

------
wccrawford
I prefer, instead of tricking myself into believing what I want to believe, to
change things until I naturally believe the truth, or put processes in place
to help me.

If I have trouble sending invoices, I make something send them for me. Isn't
that what most accounting software does anyhow? You set up everything and it
bills on the appropriate date?

If I have no confidence in my ability to find another job, I do things to help
that confidence. Update my portfolio and resume, review my skillset, go to job
interviews... There are plenty of things I can do to prove to myself I have
the ability to find another job that don't involve just blindly telling myself
that.

If I did blindly tell myself that, I'd have a new worry. I'd worry that I was
one of those people who apply for jobs and don't have the skills, but _think_
they have them. I've interviewed many of them and never understood why they
thought they had the required skills. These techniques could be why.

No, despite all my insecurities and doubts, I'll stick to reality and actually
improve my situation instead of brainwashing myself about it.

~~~
wpietri
Depends on what you consider reality.

Anybody who can run a business can send invoices. It's not hard. So if you
have trouble doing it, the question is why? If, like in the article, you have
to get drunk to do it, then there's something going on inside. Sure, you can
hire somebody to do it for you. But that just hides the problem. Brain tumor?
Try aspirin!

I've never tried the affirmation thing, but I wouldn't knock it. Many, many
good people lack confidence because they've been told over and over that
they're bad, wrong, dumb, etc. It's not crazy to say that telling themselves
something good and truthful might help.

Your proposed solutions would work on a reasonable person, but if we were
always reasonable, the world wouldn't need psychiatrists and therapists.

~~~
wccrawford
I consider reality reality.

Some things are worth correcting the 'proper' way. Others can be fixed much
more easily with a hack. I'll let the computer send the invoices for me and
spend my time on things I love, instead. I'll likely never be completely free
of the problem anyhow.

If I were to fix the invoice problem in me, it wouldn't be by brainwashing.
Instead, I'd figure out _why_ I felt that way and attack that, instead. Maybe
it's a fear of rejection. Maybe it's a belief that money is bad. Maybe it's
something else entirely. That other thing doesn't go away if I just attack one
of the symptoms. In fact, it hides it, and makes other problems harder to
diagnose.

Even reasonable people need shrinks sometimes. Not every problem can be fixed
without help. I've never been to one, but I'm guessing they'd attack the
actual problem, too, instead of just curing symptoms. At least, the good ones.
The quacks will just prescribe the latest wonder-drug and collect their fee.

~~~
wpietri
Everybody considers their version of reality reality.

~~~
nitrogen
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away
([https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Philip_K._Dick#.22How_To_Build...](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Philip_K._Dick#.22How_To_Build_A_Universe_That_Doesn.27t_Fall_Apart_Two_Days_Later.22_.281978.29))

~~~
wpietri
Sure. And the sorts of emotional realities that therapists deal with are the
kinds of things that exist whether you believe in them or not. Which is why I
think people shouldn't ignore them just because they find them inconvenient or
aesthetically incompatible with how they would like humans to work.

------
tom_b
Nicely done. A (surprisingly) hacker-oriented process features in Cognitive
Behavioural Therapy for Dummies by Rhenna Branch and Rob Wilson.

The tl;dr version is that you can (and probably should) step back from your
thoughts, observe, and experiment with them to tackle your own negative or
limiting thoughts.

I think that CBT will probably appeal wildly to the autodidactic HN'ers than
pop up here. Check it out, even if you decide on another book.

~~~
brittohalloran
Seth Godin agrees about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy:

[http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2011/12/assorted-
tip...](http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2011/12/assorted-tips-hope-
they-help.html)

------
tommorris
Okay, as a non-entrepreneur, just a lowly programmer type, my great stumbling
block is negotiating pay. I kind of suck at negotiation and don't really know
what my skills are worth.

I don't want to be a millionaire, Donald Trump type character. I want to be
able to do interesting things and have enough money coming in so I can live
somewhere nice and build a life with a partner if I'm lucky enough to end up
finding one. It certainly doesn't feel like I'm worth the sort of money people
seem willing to pay me.

It's only made worse in situations where it's a less formal work environment:
when it's a startup or a startup-like atmosphere, working for people you know
socially rather than just professionally, where it feels like you are pushing
for higher pay _against them_ or whatever.

Some people seem to be full of confidence and/or bullshit to the point where
they can walk in and put an eye-wateringly large consulting fee or salary on
the table and not blink.

And the stupid thing is I realise I suck at this, and sort of excuse it on the
basis that I'm here to churn you out Java or Ruby or whatever.

I did read that one of the things that holds women back in the workplace
specifically is lack of negotiation skills over salaries and raises. Any geek-
friendly tips on fixing a slightly fear or reluctance to negotiate frankly
over this stuff? When I speak to others, they seem to grok how to do it just
as easily as I grok reading a stack trace, say.

~~~
seagreen
The following is just an inexperienced guess, so feel free to ignore it and
seek other counsel, but . . .

I think the most important thing is to realize that negotiating pay takes a
totally different mindset from programming. When programming you're trying to
be creative and cooperative.

When negotiating pay you should have a competitive mindset. Your employer is
to some extent your opponent and you're playing poker with him. The thing is
-- that's OK (or at least it should be). If a potential employer is making it
feel like you're pushing against him personally when you ask for higher pay
he's being the jerk, not you (this is of course situational -- things might be
different if you've already committed to work for X amount of time).

~~~
swombat
I don't agree about a competitive mindset for negotiating salary, actually. It
should also be collaborative.

Don't say "Why don't you give me a pay raise?" but say "What can I do to earn
£Xk more?"

If the answer is "nothing" - find another job.

If the answer is "just keep doing what you're doing and wait 10 years until
you get promoted to the level where that's the salary" - find another career.

If the answer is reasonable, and achievable within a reasonable period of
time, do it and get your pay raise.

~~~
seagreen
I really like your way of approaching salary.

Often though people will start providing more value without an agreement up
front that it will earn a raise. In those cases a great boss might go ahead
and give it to you spontaneously, but if that doesn't happen you need to know
how to apply firm but friendly pressure.

~~~
swombat
Well, providing extra value without any kind of agreement as to what
compensation you might get for it is, IMHO, a rookie mistake - and one you
shouldn't make twice.

If you have confidence in your abilities, address the topic up front!

------
ikken
One problem I see with self-affirmations is that they only change your
perception of what you can achieve, not what you actually can achieve. No
amount of self-affirmation will help you become a painter unless you take the
pain of learning how to paint. And failed expectations after some time build
frustration. So you must be cautious of what you make yourself believe. There
is a joke about a guy that was praying his whole life asking god to let him
win a lottery. He never did, and after his death he asked god why. The god
answered "What could I do? You never bought a lottery ticket".

~~~
manmal
Nobody said you shall spend your life before a mirror, saying affirmations
instead of living your life. They are a way to rewire your brain for
assumptions you want to get rid of, and break bad habits without needing a
therapist. Acting is crucial. People who don't act are stuck and/or
depressive, and they may use affirmations to pretend to feel better. But
that's just a way of using a tool the wrong way.

Affirmations also should not create expectations in you. They change the way
you perceive the world, and yourself. If someone creates expectations of
feeling better after saying affirmations (and then is disappointed), then
that's a problem of its own - it just means that you used it as a quick fix
instead of trying to change your beliefs and assumptions.

------
kyro
I think it'd be appropriate here to mention Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Its
purpose is to attempt to change the way we view ourselves by learning how to
properly interpret events.

The "you're a failure" bit really hits hard with me as it's been something
I've struggled with for a while. Through CBT, you learn that these self-
evaluations are nothing more than behaviors that we can unlearn by stopping
ourselves at each step in the pathway of interpreting events, the pathway
being: events -> thoughts -> feelings -> behaviors.

I suspect many here suffer from the same beliefs, and if you do, I highly
suggest you check out CBT. It's what swombat suggests as hacking your belief
system but taken a step or two further. You can get started here:
<http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome>.

------
allardschip
Reminds me of Annette Benning in American Beauty: "I will sell this house
today. I will sell this house today."

Not starting on activities because you don't like them or you don't feel not
comfortable will drag you down. You'll be thinking about it all day. I tell
myself in the morning to the most unpleasant thing on my to do list first. Eat
the hairy frog first! I learned from Randi Pausch. Worth watching every
minute: <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTugjssqOT0>

-edit spelling

------
meric
It works.

I wanted to get into software engineering & commerce double degree in
University of Sydney. It required UAI of 95 (University Admission Index; a UAI
of 97 means you're required to be in the top 3%, 95 -> top 5%).

One day a friend took me to the Career advisor office who gave me a UAI
estimate of 75.

It shocked me to the core; At the time I was lazy, and told myself I was lazy;
I was in a high school where being lazy was good enough to get by.
"Apparently", being lazy was not good enough anymore.

I printed pages of full of the text "I will get 95 UAI." and posted it
throughout my room and ceiling. I set the same text as my browser home page,
desktop, desk and the study room. Every morning in the shower and on the bus,
I repeated to myself "I am going to get 95 UAI", over and over again.

"Miraculously", this brainwashing led me to work harder than ever. It got me
studying 8 hours a day for 4 months.

In 2007, the required UAI for the software engineering and commerce degree
dropped to 94.45. I managed to score a UAI of 94.55, allowing me to study the
degree.

I had scored really high marks in the university entrance exam, and would have
gotten an even higher UAI had my school marks weren't 15% lower; The exam and
school marks were worth 50% respectively.

------
klaut
i can relate to the fear of sending invoices as well. More precisely, of
sending reminders if the invoices was not paid on time. My internal thought
would be that perhaps the other person would see me as someone that is nagging
for money too much.. how silly..

~~~
swa14
Not silly. It's supposed to be this way. And don't skip out on the angst.

A starting businessman _should_ be apprehensive of sending out invoices and
questioning himself. Yes, it does feel like "begging", but it makes sure you
don't lose out because of hubris. Over time (if you're doing everything well)
you will have more money and business acumen, and it will become easier, since
you won't be _needing_ the money on the short term. It will also allow you to
better negotiate higher prices.

And when you've mastered it, you can hire a (part-time) secretary, who sends
out the invoices. That's your reward. You faced your fear, learned how to
handle it, and _now_ you can let it go, because with someone else doing the
billing, you can always fall back to it being a secretarial error.

There are whole industries based on making it seem you have enough cash and
confidence so you feel you have a stronger position to negotiate, skipping out
on what I feel is a basic business skill.

Or you can do it the hard way, without leased luxury and practicing the voodoo
feelgood technique of the day. Building a business on hard work and gathering
confidence in your own skills through your customers, without blaming your
parents or the world or your mirror.

Dont' be an actor playing an entrepeneur; _be_ an entrepeneur.

~~~
zcvosdfdgj
A starting businessman should NOT be apprehensive about sending out invoices.
There is no shame in asking for someone to pay for what they have purchased.

REMEMBER: you're doing them a favor by not forcing them to pay up front. A
30-day same as cash policy is worth {cost of capital}/12

If you think reminding the customer about their bill is "begging", "only a
business necessity", or whatever, you are wrong.

Ask yourself: when was the last time you bought something and thought the
store was begging by asking for payment. Safeway is not greedy, begging or
anything of the sort when they ask me to pay for a loaf of bread. And you are
not being greedy by asking for payment for your work.

~~~
swa14
>>There is no shame in asking for someone to pay for what they have purchased.

True, but what have they purchased ?

>>Safeway is not greedy, begging or anything of the sort when they ask me to
pay for a loaf of bread.

No, but that's a loaf of bread, a physical thing with uniform properties and
an established price. When you send out an invoice for your freelance work,
there is the amount of hours and there's significant markup for it being
freelance hours. It adds up, and before you know it you're sending out a bill
for what is, at that moment in time, for you a _huge_ amount of money.

It's not a bad thing to reflect on that. "Am I really worth this ?", "Did I
actually earn this?", "Am I offending my customer by being out of the ballpark
?", and most importantly, "Can I justify this, not just to the customer, but
to myself ?"

Over time you will appreciate how you fretted over that "huge bill", and maybe
even adjusted it a little to feel comfortable about the value you feel you
have provided.

It's not comparable to retail, where everything more or less has an agreed
upfront price.

------
grandalf
The affirmations in the mirror thing sounds silly, but it's really a profound
thing to do. It actually works best if you yell it at the top of your lungs,
though doing so where others might hear you could cause them to be alarmed.

You might be surprised how doing this hits you if you affirm something that
you are not sure you believe.

~~~
calydon
Actually a 2009 University of Waterloo study showed that affirmations might do
more harm than good.

<http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19493324>

------
tripzilch
One thing strikes me that I think some of the critics in this discussion miss
the point of the article. Or at least, the point that _I_ got from it.

It's not so much about self-affirming what you _wish_ to be true, or even
worse, self-affirming "I can fly!!"--yeah that's not going to work.

The article is in fact pretty clear about this, first you go for some
introspection and identify some of this "inner dialogue" that's keeping you
down. Actual, recurring negative irrational thoughts in certain situations. We
all agree those would be bad, right? Then, you counter the negative irrational
one by formulating a positive and reasonable affirmation to counter that
negative one. And nothing more and nothing less. The goal should be to get rid
of the irrational negative recurring thought, not to start believing something
unrealistically fantastical about yourself. Although it _can_ help the process
to exaggerate the positive one a little bit, but maybe not for everyone, and
it's just supposed to expedite the replacing process.

Though actually, the people referring to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy are
probably most right on the mark. Because that's basically a scientifically
proven version of this technique. Well it's slightly different, but the
fundamental similarities are quite obvious IMHO, and you can use them to solve
the same problems.

------
rdudekul
This was one of the most useful blog posts I read in the recent few days. I am
an entrepreneur and I too have multiple beliefs that hold me back. In the end
it is about recognizing conditioned habits that are holding you back and using
positive affirmations or prayers ([http://www.easwaran.org/saint-teresa-of-
avila-let-nothing-up...](http://www.easwaran.org/saint-teresa-of-avila-let-
nothing-upset-you.html)) to come out of them. In my experience these
techniques work very well in overcoming negative habits like anger, fear and
greed. I practice Passage Meditation (easwaran.org) and its main punch line
is, you become what you meditate on. I see resistance to follow these
techniques from many people, yet many willingly fall prey to negative media.
In essence you are eating/consuming through your senses all the time. By
consciously choosing to fill your mind with positive messages you can overtime
become a much more productive and happier person.

------
chernevik
"He who is unaware of the workings of his own mind is of necessity unhappy."
-- Marcus Aurelius

------
oregonspanish
Self Affirmation Hack: make a short affirmation one of the passwords you have
to type in often. The practice of writing and remembering it helps solidify
the affirmation and provide context for whatever you are logging in to do.

~~~
tripzilch
Ha! Wow, I was going to write exactly the same thing! :)

I recently did something like this for the unlock password of my laptop--I
type that one fairly often, but if the passphrase isn't super secure (after
all, how many bits of entropy in an affirmation? ;-) ) it doesn't matter that
much since it's the physical security of the laptop that's most important
anyway (I've been considering removing the whole password-to-unlock part, I
did not because I like the background I picked for the login screen--now I
have a better reason not to).

Currently it's a mantra from a meditation exercise that I particularly liked,
but that was just the first thing that came to mind when I realized "hey, I
type this multiple times each day, so why not have it be something uplifting,
cool, self-affirming or just nice?". But I think I'll change it to something
more targeted according to the pointers given in that article as soon as I
come up with something good.

------
Fando
Reading Daniel's article made me think of this one: 15 Things to Give Up to Be
Happy. I found it eye opening, simple to understand and effective at making me
realize what I needed to change in my life. Although the 15 things it speaks
of are common sense, I was surprised at how often I would not follow my own
advise. So as a reminder, I printed it out and put the article on my wall.
Anyway, if anyone's interested here it is:

<http://www.dailygood.org/view.php?sid=232>

------
Sketh
I've always had a problem with these sort of suggestions, the idea that
somebody without self confidence could gain it simply by repeating a mantra
and brainwashing themselves would have me questioning the self-awareness of
that person.

I have tried similiar things, and ended up laughing at myself over the
ridiculousness of the entire exercise. I've found that self confidence is a
little deeper than tricking one's mind and that any confidence gained by
techniques like this would be superficial at best.

~~~
wpietri
I haven't tried it. But if you've only tried it enough to laugh at it, how
would you know whether or not it works?

Thinking back, I remember a friend in high school who was brilliant, but had
no confidence. At her slightest mistake she'd say things like, "That was
really stupid." If you tried to encourage her, she'd brush it off or disagree.
It all made sense when I saw her with her dad, who at her slightest mistake
would say, "That was really stupid."

If it works to remove confidence, I don't see why it couldn't work to create
it. And indeed, my 6-year-old nephew has a lot of self-confidence when trying
things new. I doubt it's unrelated that he gets a lot of encouragement for
every step forward he makes.

~~~
Sketh
I don't believe that somebody has to go through an entire process to question
it's effects.

I agree that encouragement from a third party is beneficial to self
confidence, but this article suggests that self-encouragement in the form of
spoken word (rather than thought) would be helpful in gaining self confidence.
Now if this works for some people I am happy for them, but I personally
wouldn't put much trust in their self confidence.

Now I know that people's mileage vary with their personalities but I found
that my biggest leap in self confidence was when I began to assess myself like
I would any other. I look at whatever shortcomings I may have, such as
motivation for example and try to look for a solution to the problem.

Otherwise I can imagine that it is much like curing the symptoms rather than
the issue itself, people may use these techniques to gain self confidence but
when somebody's self confidence outstrips their abilities I'd consider that to
be just as bad.

Everyone's ridiculously different and I think we could all agree that no one
approach would work for everybody. Before trying to convince myself that I can
do something however, I'd be looking for the reasons why I think I can't and
start working to rectify them.

~~~
wpietri
I'm in favor of questioning. But you weren't just questioning the process. You
said it didn't work, that you had found "that any confidence gained by
techniques like this would be superficial at best".

In this reply, you explain that you actually just imagine that. Which is fine,
but it's not as strong as what you first wrote.

------
sbochins
I have beliefs that hold me back as well. The problem I have is that using the
"hacks" in this article goes against one of these beliefs. I don't really
believe in changing your beliefs by simply talking into a mirror. I do agree
with the people around you affecting you and shaping your judgement. I always
thought that these kind of methods were designed for weak people. Because of
this I usually don't ever really try any of these methods. Anyone else feel
the same?

~~~
vidar
I think you should try since there is no downside. If it doesnt work, no harm
done.

------
samjc
Another great "hack", that I remember from some movie, is to write yourself a
big check and hang it up somewhere, where you will see it everyday. I haven't
tried it yet, but it seems like a boost, to "keep at it". Also, like others
have mentioned, I would start with something more realistic and achievable at
first, and once reached, you can set new and higher goals.

------
octotoad
I can understand and appreciate these ideas in some ways, but as others have
pointed out, what the author describes seems to be related to more serious
emotional issues surrounding confidence and self esteem.

Nothing particularly wrong with the sentiment and logic involved, it just
seems a bit too 'one-size-fits-all' for an issue that possibly runs a lot
deeper than one might think.

------
sedev
I want to share one specific thing that's helped me, in the vein of
affirmations. I chose one specific compliment and made it a rule for myself
that whenever someone said that to me, I'd respond proudly and affirmatively.
"Yes I am!" No waffling, no modesty, no deflection: instead, "Yes I am!"

It's definitely helped for me.

------
enimodas
The brainwashing part is particularly true, but it's also really subtle, due
to the time scale and slow progress. They say "you are what you eat", but the
same is true for what you put into your mind.

------
marcusrobbins
This is really excellent. This should be taught in schools.

------
rgraham
Reminds me of 'Think and Grow Rich' by Napoleon Hill.

~~~
gruseom
Napoleon Hill emerged out of a spiritual movement around the turn of the 20th
century known as New Thought. There were a lot of books published in that
tradition. Their core idea was that mental activity determines eventual
physical reality. I find it interesting that this is a quintessentially
American movement. There are traces of it all over the place to this day.

One of the great intellectual antecedents to such stuff is Emerson's Essays,
which formulated an original modern American spirituality. Emerson is striking
in how he seems to emerge out of nowhere. (Since nobody really does, I'd like
to know more about his sources.) Anyone curious should read his essay "Self
Reliance". It's a classic of entrepreneurial literature, though it doesn't
talk about business. I hesitate to say this for fear of overselling it, but
it's one of those rare pieces of writing that can change one's life (it
changed mine).

As a surprising aside, Emerson was one of the biggest influences on Nietzsche.

------
benblack86
My income is your spending, my spending is your income. We should all spend as
much as possible and everyone becomes better off.

~~~
foxhop
You must pay yourself before you pay the shoe salesman.

You pay yourself when you save. If you live paycheck to paycheck, you never
pay yourself.

------
nerdfiles
I think the heading regarding people one might socialize with needs fleshing
out. Firstly, something-something-something-etc about mirror neurons; less
cheekily: we're all heavily impressionable people. -- I highly doubt the
problem is as straight-forward as others directly, or perhaps persuasively?,
claiming one is a failure. The problem likely is that the people one may
socialize with are limited, first off, by the economic categories of
industrial-capitalism: they whine about their day, their job, lost objects,
their ex, that so-and-so died -- they fill one's mind with trivial, largely
distinctly particular statements that cannot be used to develop a theory, in
the most general sense. It is the "intuitive" level of socialization limited
by the economic-social categories of industrial-capitalism.

They _reflect_ failure, express it, and as impressionable people we are always
subject to thought-patterns which compel us to ruminate, rather than problem-
solve.

------
mcguire
1\. Self-affirmations

"I can fly." "I _can_ fly." " _I_ can fly." "I can _fly_."

2\. Brainwashing your self.

 _Theory of Flight_ , Richard von Mises. _Dynamics of Atmospheric Flight_ ,
Bernard Etkin, et. al.

3\. Who you hang out with.

Pigeons. Check.

4\. Digging to the root.

Well, there was that one incident where I jumped off the balcony, aiming for
the sofa, and broke my leg.

