

Ask HN: Leaving Personal Problems at Home - bherms

I have recently been dealing with some issues in my relationship that weren't too bad and have been pretty good at not letting it affect my work.  Last night, though my plane landed and literally the first thing I hear when I turn my phone on is my girlfriend breaking up with me.<p>Now today back at work I feel sick to my stomach because I can't get my mind off things and I'm afraid it might start to affect my work.  It hasn't been too detrimental today (surprisingly productive for the time being), but this isn't the first time I've been in a situation like this where personal problems bled over into the workplace.<p>How do other hacker newsers deal with separating work from home and what helps you keep a level head and remain productive when you feel terrible and your mind is racing?
======
tptacek
I went through similar emotions (but for _very different reasons_ ) when we
started Matasano and (concurrently) had to sell our house in Ann Arbor, find a
place in Chicago, deal with multiple weeks with me onsite at a client and
packing our house, and coordinate and communicate and hold things together at
the same time.

For whatever reason, my mind latched on to Ed Harris' character from Apollo 13
saying "work the problem". I made a little mantra out of it and levelled
myself out with it.

In the end, I found it a bit like exercise. You're feeling lazy. There's a
cold beer waiting for you in the fridge. Sweating for 45 minutes is daunting.
It takes a lot of focus to get started. For the first chunk of time, you're
spending a lot of mental energy just keeping yourself on task. But eventually,
the momentum of what you're doing takes over, and by the time you're done, you
don't want to stop.

I had to work onsite in a different city from Erin during our move, and I'm
pretty sure I had the better deal, since I had something that took my mind off
all the drama and she didn't.

Maybe it can work that way for you too; treat work like a respite to get your
mind off the personal drama.

------
ColinWright
You're human - it'll happen. Be diligent. Try to work when you're supposed to
be working. If you honestly can't work when you're supposed to be working, or
if you can't get enough done because of personal issues, then either put in
for a "personal day" or put in longer hours to make up for the time lost.

You are a person, and entitled to your feelings, and yout personal concerns.
Equally, your employer is entitled to the time they pay you for. Be honest and
diligent, but don't feel that you have to push on regardless and at all costs.

Strive for balance. If you need to take a little time, talk to your boss.
Explain that you need a little personal time, but that you will remain on-call
for anything urgent.

Or something.

If one of my employees came and said they had some personal issues they needed
to deal with then I would work with them to find an appropriate balance
between the work I have for them, the pay I give them, the time they give me,
and the fact that I want them to stay healthy and productive. not just for me,
but for us.

Not all bosses are like me. Some are worse, but some are better.

Above all, don't try to be a machine. Shit happens, and it can hurt. There are
some things that never get better, but we do get better at dealing with them.

Good luck.

~~~
bherms
Thanks for the advice... It's a pretty relaxed and understanding environment
here, so I could head home right now if I felt like it. Coming back from a
vacation though makes me feel obligated, and I don't like to slack too much,
even if it's tolerated at times.

I'll be fine though. I just wanted to see how others handled these sorts of
things. This was a fairly serious relationship, but I can't imagine how hn'ers
who've gone through divorces, bankruptcy, or other more serious issues have
been able to cope and maintain productivity.

------
veyron
Where is your physical work place vis-a-vis your home?

I find a long driving commute to be cathartic and helpful in separating work
and home. At least, if I'm upset about my commute, I'm much less upset about
home and about work :)

~~~
bherms
I only have about a ten minute drive. It's pretty short.

------
gexla
I think the same sorts of tricks for dealing with procrastination apply here.
The problem is that everyone has their own things which work.

For me, set the timer to concentrate on work for 10 minutes. After banging out
that first 10 then I'm off to the races. If not, then do another 10. If I
absolutely can't concentrate then I need to get away from the computer and
other distractions for a while and then try again later (rinse, repeat as
needed,) otherwise I just spin my wheels.

------
Mz
I was a homemaker for many years. I have found that having a job is actually a
great thing for helping me keep my mind off my problems and filling my time so
I don't just mope. Yes, in some cases you need to do something about the
problem in order to be able to focus on something else. For me, at work, this
is only a big issue if the problem is with a coworker. Otherwise, just doing
my job is part of the solution. So I often am able to focus just fine in spite
of being wrapped around the axle about my latest drama.

On the other hand, I have spent 10+ years successfully facing down death and
getting well when doctors say it can't be done. So my daily, hourly, minutely
hand-wringing about my financial problems seems minor in comparison.

Maybe doing volunteer work in a homeless shelter or some such would help you
put your problems in perspective?

