
Anger Management - DoreenMichele
https://genevievefiles.blogspot.com/2020/04/anger-management.html
======
neutronicus
I appreciate the article, OP.

I have a similar relationship with album "The '59 Sound" by The Gaslight
Anthem and especially with the title track. My younger sister took her own
life on Memorial Day weekend of 2014. If you've never had the misfortune of
losing a loved one to suicide, everyone around you will speak about it in a
way that erases their agency as much as possible ("they were sick, they
weren't perceiving reality," etc). And this is helpful, to avoid blaming
oneself, and also in a wider, civic-duty sense, to help people view suicidal
ideation as a syndrome that responds to treatment, since it so often does.

This did not help me grieve her, though, since the young woman I lost was not
demented, as my grandparents were before they passed, but sensitive and
insightful. Fallon's lyrics (written in response to the passing of a loved one
of his own) are so respectful of the deceased, expressing only his hope that
the moment of death was peaceful and not regretful, contextualized through
their shared experience. I really needed this perspective at the time, and six
years later listening to the song without crying my eyes out is still touch-
and-go for me.

~~~
DoreenMichele
I'm glad you found a way to grieve.

There are a lot of problems with how we discuss suicide. It's a tough subject
and it's often not done well. It's something I sometimes comment on because I
have attempted suicide and I still wrestle with suicidal ideation at times and
I'm pretty dissatisfied with the way the subject is typically handled.

Thank you for commenting.

(I'm the author, in case that isn't obvious.)

~~~
toomanybeersies
> There are a lot of problems with how we discuss suicide

I used to be heavily suicidal, and occasionally have bouts of suicidal
ideation to this day. I found that most of the time when I spoke to other
people about how I was feeling, I was treated like I was some kind of fragile
human being who needed wrapping in cotton wool. It really didn't help at all,
it was demeaning, I felt like I was broken goods. I've never experienced that
kind of treatment or feeling when talking about other mental health issues
like ADHD or anxiety.

The worst was when people told me "things will get better", as things
progressively got worse. It wasn't until I realised that it might not get
better and accepted it that I was able to move forward.

I guess it's hard if you've never felt suicidal to empathise, and people get
worried that something they say or do might push you over the edge, nobody
wants to be responsible for someone killing themselves.

I generally don't talk to people about suicide these days, I don't think
anything good comes from it, I try to talk about what I think it causing my
negative emotions instead. I think it's borderline emotionally abusive to tell
someone you're thinking of killing yourself, it makes people feel responsible
for you and your actions. I had a former friend try to kill herself because of
me, and it's the most narcissistic, emotionally abusive thing I've ever been
subjected to, luckily I was in a state of mind at the time that I understood
it wasn't at all my fault and that I wasn't responsible for her actions.

I do think it's something that we should be able to talk to our friends about,
but education and awareness surrounding suicide is fucking lacking for most
people. I find that it's only useful to talk to mental health practitioner and
within support groups (I attend a general mens' mental health group). The
message seems to be "you're a selfish bastard if you kill yourself", which
really doesn't help. It just invalidated my emotions, I wanted to kill myself
and now I felt guilty about it too. Something like 75% of men who kill
themselves never seek help and I completely understand why.

~~~
gainjenna
I'm so sorry you experienced this. I have had the same reactions from people,
and the actions you mentioned people take in the first paragraph has been
especially hurtful. In addition to whatever you're trying to heal yourself of,
you get start to feel broken, as you said. This discourages people even more
from seeking help, and people in this mental state need to ask for help,
because mental health conditions limit your brain from really thinking
straight on how to get the best help.

In regards to your comment about men's suicide rate--this is horrible and
believed to be the result of men socially being discouraged by other men from
discussing suicide or deep emotional issues (not to blame other men--their
response, even though they need to take responsibility for it, is likely
shaped by the cultural standards we put on men and women).

The belief, btw, comes from the fact that women actually have a much higher
rate of depression than men do, but a much lower suicide rate. Idk if a study
was done, but the theory is it's more accepted and expected in strong female
friendships to share deep emotional struggles and expect support than it is in
strong male friendships.

------
redis_mlc
Def Leppard "Behind the Music" talks about the drummer's car accident and
recovery.

His seatbelt cut off his arm, and the family living at a nearby farmhouse
included a nurse, who initially responded.

When recovering from limb injuries, there's some surprising possible side
effects:

1) infection or circulation problems can kill other limbs. People with kidney
damage or sepsis often lose all four limbs.

2) Overexerting during recovery (or even later) can cause an overuse injury to
the healthy limb. For example, climbing out of a bathtub with one arm can
cause nerve or muscle damage that effectively kills the good arm.

3) The embedded Time reporter during the Iraq war who threw the sticky bomb
out of his team's Humvee lost his hand. He initially tried a modern
prosthetic, but changed to a hook since it was 100% reliable (strong,
waterproof, certain), and the fake hand wasn't.

For One Reporter, Embedding Is Journalistic Folly

[https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=642278...](https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=6422782)

~~~
throwaway_pdp09
AIUI by some convention people in war are divided into combatants and
noncombatants. To remain in the latter group you have to maintain a non-
hostile position. By using a bomb (which sounds very weird for an experienced
reporter to do) they'd be becoming combatants and so reasonable targets for
the other side. If the NPR story covers this, I can't read it, blocked.

~~~
rozab
Although you have completely misinterpreted the situation the article does
touch on the issues you have raised. Perhaps if you adopted an attitude of
engagement rather than reflexively blocking and avoiding things which you feel
go against your worldview, you'd learn something.

~~~
throwaway_pdp09
I should not have posted because I did not read the article. However I did not
read it not from laziness but because it was blocked. No text = no read.

~~~
rozab
Ah I see, I thought you meant you blocked the poster which would be a very odd
thing to see on HN! Apologies. Where are you that NPR is blocked? I'm in the
UK, and even if I decline their data protection stuff they take me to a
plaintext site. I suspect they do it to annoy people but I actually really
love it

------
Dowwie
If you clicked on this article because you wanted to read about anger
management, you may be disappointed. In the event you were, I highly recommend
the book, "Feeling Good" by David Burns: [https://www.amazon.com/David-M-D-
Burns-Feeling-Good/dp/B00GY...](https://www.amazon.com/David-M-D-Burns-
Feeling-Good/dp/B00GYUBBRG)

Burns turned his practice into a platform, featuring a very active podcast.
He's working with people on a mobile app and is publishing the sequel to
"Feeling Good" (Feeling Great), scheduled for publication Sept 2020:
[https://feelinggood.com/](https://feelinggood.com/)

The podcast is a treasure trove of information. If you can tolerate the slow
pace of the show, you can learn a lot.

~~~
DoreenMichele
I'm the author. It absolutely is about anger management.

Sorry it doesn't seem to be your cup of tea, but it wasn't misnamed or
something.

~~~
chefandy
Thanks for writing the article. Fortunately, I can't relate, but it gave me
some insight into the inner lives of people I know and love who probably could
relate. It will help me more effectively empathize with them.

------
bitwize
In the 90s in the USA, the grunge movement ruled rock music. We were told, by
the music critics of the day, that this was for the greatest good, that rock
music was finally returning to authenticity after the excesses of 1980s hair
metal.

But closer examination of 1980s metal reveals that it doesn't want for
genuine, heartfelt angst, boiling below the surface. I realized this upon
relistening to a song from the dusk of hair metal's golden era: "Heaven" by
Warrant, and realizing that it was the blue-collar lament of an aging factory
worker who had been put out of a job, and hadn't much to look forward to
except the grave -- and the continued love of his wife, for whom he would make
every effort no matter how meager.

It seems this author came to a similar conclusion, and that's heartening.

~~~
redis_mlc
I'm involved in the online music biz.

What's going on is this:

\- current Top 40 rarely has guitar. Basically Taylor Swift and Lil Wayne use
one as a prop, and that's it.

\- but Youtube is teeming with young adult virtuoso electric guitarists. Check
out Polyphia (Tim Henson), Covet (Yvette Young, San Jose!), Periphery, Mel.

\- Grunge is misunderstood. Kurt Cobain was a good guitar player, and he made
his band practise for months before their first album. Same with Soundgarden,
etc. Those bands didn't need autotune.

\- Metal fans ate their own: no loyalty. So 70s and 80s rock bands still tour,
and 90s and oughts are scraping by. See the Youtube "Punk Rock MBA" channel
for detailed analysis.

\- 70s and 80s rock bands have tremendous respect online now. View counts on
Skid Row, Metallica, Bonjovi, etc. are huge. Their musicianship is
acknowledged, and the niche each band occupied is now understood and
appreciated.

~~~
SeanLuke
I don't play the guitar: I'm a keyboard person. But I'm very concerned about
the future of the guitar market.

Over the last three years there have been numerous articles about how the
guitar industry is in serious trouble. Electric guitar sales have dropped by a
third over the last decade, and profits are way down. Guitar Center is in
trouble. Gibson is bankrupt. On the other hand, Rolling Stone put out an
article about how Guitars are Doing Just Fine Thank You Very Much.
([https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/guitars-are-
ge...](https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/guitars-are-getting-more-
popular-so-why-do-we-think-theyre-dying-630446/)). It feels very...
apologetic. So I don't know what to think.

Here's what I know: DAWs, electronic production tools, synthesizers, etc., are
doing very well. Today's underground seems to have a lot of rap, synth metal
(NiN, industrial, whatnot), EDM, even pop. [I'm none of those things]. Is the
garage band going away, to be replaced with the bedroom producer?

~~~
RickS
As a guitarist and hobbyist bedroom producer for 15+ years, here's what I
think is happening to the guitar market: the middle is falling out.

Cheap guitars were previously way too expensive. I'm talking about things like
the no-name starter packs you'd get from Frys, or even the equivalents from
Squire. They were riding on lack of competition and brand clout, and they'd
been disrupted by companies that are happy to sell guitars of similar quality
for half the price. It has never been more affordable to start playing guitar.
I think that's great.

The high-end guitar market has some fascinating and innovative entrants.
Strandberg stands out as king here. They build absolutely stunning guitars and
IMO they've got an impressive adoption rate for something so expensive (2-3K).
There are a surprisingly large number of high end guitar manufacturers
targeting this market.

The 500-850$ market feels like it's got a ton of options, but it's flooded
with noise. Some dead wood needs to burn off, I think.

I think amp companies are at much greater risk. First, the processing you can
get out of the box now is just unreal. $100 for a preamp, and something like
neural/toneforge (or even impulse responses + free amp sims) will get tones
that compete with very expensive gear. A distant second but interesting:
millenials are all broke and living in apartments / cities. You can't really
have a giant loud amp in that environment. If you're not gigging, you no
longer need to own one at all.

> Is the garage band going away, to be replaced with the bedroom producer?

At least partially, and for the best: the demand for being in a garage band
_should_ fall. Lots of people were in only in bands because they couldn't
self-serve across as many instruments as they'd like. That's much easier now
for a bunch of reasons.

There's a middle ground too. I see a lot of "bedroom bands" – with bedroom
production but the multi-member aspect of a garage band.

\----

Another random thought: guitars are one of those products that strongly
requires showrooming. Buying a guitar without feeling and hearing it is tough.
This is one of the few things keeping guitar center alive. If a company
figures out how to be warby parker for guitars, letting me pick five and mail
four back, they could stand to make a bunch of money. This pairs really well
with all the up and coming guitar brands trying to break into the market via
youtubers.

------
victoriasun
Thank you for this article.

I don't have the words to express how this article so accurately reflects my
experience, other than gratitude that you have put this into words for me.

During Kavanaugh I told my partner that I would never stop being angry. He was
shocked and eventually understood what I meant, which was that violent anger
would evolve into the kind of stewing anger that would ultimately protect me,
and us.

Thank you for caring. Thank you for caring for my soul. I wish I had the words
to express to you how meaningful this post was to me.

------
yowlingcat
I too (as other commentators did) appreciate this article. My relationship
with music has always been less predictable and easy to understand than I'd
like it to be. I have always loved music, but as I've gotten older and stabler
and healed more from earlier psychological hardships (and maybe just matured
from a young adult into an adult), my connection to it and its ability to make
me feel have receded. For some reason, it is only in my moments of greatest
need that I am able to reach inside and access an extremely strong, resonant
connection -- whether it is listening to it, or writing it.

But maybe it's that way for a reason. I still have scars on my arm from
putting my fist through a glass window as an angsty teen. They remind me of
how I too could be someone who "could have lost his second arm had he lost the
battle to his inner demons." I probably would have struggled to articulate
this earlier, but as the article states, "...I learned to stop just stewing
and being mad and wallowing in that feeling. I learned to do something about
things that made me mad and this was the best thing I ever learned." This hits
home for me. I was a lot more rootlessly, aimlessly, existentially depressed
earlier on in my life and in my career. Depressed in a way that made it very
easy for me to have a very strong and particular kind of connection to music,
but which served as a stand-in for an inability to do something about my woes.
Once I began to get better at solving the root causes of my woes, my life
improved, but that very specific kind of connection to music faded. I was
never a professional, but perhaps what's true for the drummer is true for me:
"The music was still in there. It just needed to be redirected elsewhere."

Thanks again for this article, OP.

------
yawgmoth
I appreciate the relationship between anger and depression. I was a very angry
child - but angry young boys are not tolerated. I became a depressed young boy
instead, and the world seemed much happier with that.

Recognizing that you're saturated in an emotion is definitely important. It is
difficult to even notice, but stepping back from it an analyzing it (through
therapy, meditation, counseling, friendship) is really all we have. It's a
constant task to have moments of self-awareness that the emotion has taken
control. That in itself can breed resentment.

I haven't really found a cure for these things, but strangely they are not all
negative. I think people who can manage some distance from these types of
emotions are extraordinarily empathetic.

~~~
robotnikman
I feel like I went through a similar experience growing up; Any angry outburst
was met with harsh punishment.

I remember reading somewhere that depression can sometimes be the result of
repressing anger, which we may have needed to do to survive growing up and is
now a bad habit we hang on to.

~~~
WarOnPrivacy
> repressing anger, which we may have needed to do to survive growing up and
> is now a bad habit we hang on to

I still think it's a necessity. Many folks in authority have no tolerance for
any anger but their own.

------
gainjenna
Wow. Thank you so much for this. I've struggled with the exact same things and
have found the moments when men show me the kindness and respect that I,
previous to the rape, had just expected of myself and everyone, are the most
healing ones. You can't always afford to wait for those though. And I
appreciate you sharing your experience on how to heal when no one else is
around.

~~~
DoreenMichele
Thank you for commenting.

 _I 've struggled with the exact same things and have found the moments when
men show me the kindness and respect that I, previous to the rape, had just
expected of myself and everyone, are the most healing ones._

I wanted to pull this out and emphasize it. This is a mostly male forum and
decent men often feel helpless and like there isn't anything they can do to
counterbalance the atrocities done by other men.

Humans generally tend to feel like "nuke it from orbit" is the only useful
response to really bad things and if they can't do something akin to that,
they feel they aren't making any difference at all. But just being kind and
respectful and decent to someone stressed out who doesn't trust you because
you are male or white or rich or whatever and someone like you burned them
really badly at one time is the most powerful thing you can do to help them
heal, help them put down their baggage and foster a more civil world in which
atrocities are less likely to be the norm.

We currently have things like the #MeToo movement, so there is currently a lot
of visibility for the fact that a lot of men behave really badly towards women
and it's actually pretty problematic because decent guys are scared to be kind
for fear of being accused of being a rapist or something. So I wanted to
emphasize that I'm not the only woman who was raped who feels like the best
thing a man can do is just be kind and respectful and decent to me and act
like "that's normal" and not anything special.

And maybe that will empower some of the men here to feel like they are making
a meaningful difference to just be decent and that's it. No war paint or chest
beating or grand standing or the like required.

~~~
WarOnPrivacy
> Humans generally tend to feel like "nuke it from orbit" is the only useful
> response to really bad things and if they can't do something akin to that,
> they feel they aren't making any difference at all.

This is a massively useful observation.

------
zerealshadowban
I have similar, extreme anger issues due to how I was mistreated in my
childhood (both physical and mental abuse + abandonment). I get better, from
time to time, and then I get worse, like a yoyo for half a century. I have
made my peace with the thought that I'll never get out of it, because when my
anger boils up it instantly burns every fibre of my mind and body. I worry
that my children are unwittingly absorbing my anger. Thank you for writing
this, and sharing with us.

~~~
crocal
I don’t know how to write it well but hang in there! The fact that you worry
about your children means you are a great person. Take care.

------
dontbenebby
I deeply sympathize with the OP.

One thing I've found to help is to channel that anger in productive ways.

I have in the past worked on things like increasing the usability of
censorship circumvention technologies, advocated for strong encryption, pushed
for the decriminalization of activities between consenting adults, and
advocated for tech being more inclusive.

Anyways, I did not advocate these things because of an abstract ideology.

I advocated these things I want children and adults who are failed by the
authority figures in their lives to be able to find resources, take legal
action, and if the courts fail them to be able to be able exercise their 1st
Amendement rights. (Truth is an absolute defense against libel in the USA)

I've seen many an op-eds lately noting that it is OK that you may not be as
productive during this crisis, and that it is normal to have trouble focusing
during a traumatic situation.

That is a wonderful sentiment, and I hope that when we emerge from this
crisis, we will emerge with more sympathy for those who have suffered trauma
and value the unique perspective they bring to the table, especially in the
privacy and security spaces. (People who've faced threats are very good at
threat modeling.)

Also, I hate to network in such a serious topic, but if anyone reading this is
looking for a privacy and security expert with additional experience in policy
and UX, my twitter handle is the same as my HN username (@dontbenebby) and has
open DMs. I was recently laid off, and am happy to forward a CV.

(Also feel free to DM if you just need to talk. We're all in this together)

~~~
DoreenMichele
I run r/GigWorks. You could check the Welcome message there for some links to
online platforms where you may be able to find some short term work while
looking for a more permanent position.

------
xivzgrev
This is great OP. I shared with my SO who also struggles with anger. I thought
a lot of this mirrored things she has expressed and she could relate.

A very different cause for sure but it’s been a long road for her to become
aware of the anger and ultimately how interested she is in finding a more
effective shield. I think she doesn’t trust deep down there is anything more
effective, even at the high emotional cost.

------
aantix
I loved this article. She nails it.

I’ve had that anger before. It even extends to ruminating about the events - I
assume that’s protective too, as maybe I think that if I think about things
long enough it cant happen to me again?

Medication sometimes seems to be the only thing that can pull me out of that
rabbit hole of rumination.

More recently, I’ve had some success with magnesium l-threonate, as it’s the
only form of magnesium that crosses the blood brain barrier (magtein it’s
sometimes labeled as). It’s quite calming and increases mental endurance.

 _Effects of Elevation of Brain Magnesium on Fear Conditioning, Fear
Extinction, and Synaptic Plasticity in the Infralimbic Prefrontal Cortex and
Lateral Amygdala_
[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6623582/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6623582/)

~~~
DoreenMichele
_I’ve had that anger before. It even extends to ruminating about the events -
I assume that’s protective too, as maybe I think that if I think about things
long enough it cant happen to me again?_

I'm prone to rumination and at some point I learned to turn that into a
positive. When I was younger, I would get stuck in mental loops of imagining
some negative outcome, but I started asking myself "What outcome do you want?"
and trying to use rumination as a problem-solving tool to try to imagine how
you get there from here.

So I imagine X social problem -- argument with a friend, for example -- and
instead of getting into a ball of fury about how I'm sure this will go badly,
stop at that point where I am imagining it going south and ask "What reply
would move it in a better direction?" basically. Then iterate from there until
it goes from reliving some nightmare scenario over and over to imagining
various potential solutions.

It's been wonderfully life changing.

 _More recently, I’ve had some success with magnesium l-threonate_

Working on my health has been enormously helpful in improving my ability to
manage my mood. When I'm under the weather, I'm much more prone to stewing for
various reasons. Magnesium deficiency is one of the things I'm prone to and
have to work at combating.

------
Techasura
I have learned anger management the hard way. In my past, We a had team who
approves most of the deployments for our team and it was annoying because they
used to take a crazy amount of time to respond even for small requests, I was
angry because I had caught them on Youtube and chilling on the day when I was
worried about my deployment for 6 hours. So, I used to get really annoyed and
had to fight with them often. Then I learned to correct myself and learned
ways around to fix the problem rather than make the situation worse. Not only
on the professional front but also personally I had to deal with a lot of
anger issues, so I believe it all comes down to how supportive you are to
yourself and how effectively you tackle any problem.

------
imglorp
Another angle which might help someone is introspection: observing and
understanding how your thoughts, physical sensations, and emotional states are
all tied together and feeding each other. Meditation helped me through some
rough spots. Here's one explicit resource on anger but it's really a more
general tool.

[https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/290963/anger-by-
thi...](https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/290963/anger-by-thich-nhat-
hanh/)

------
nkingsy
“I think hurt people tend to cling to their anger because they hope to use it
as a shield. They hope to not be made a fool of again. They think being mad as
hell will serve as protection from bad things.” This way of thinking about it
resonated with me. Thank you.

------
9wzYQbTYsAIc
Nice insights in the later half of the article; thanks!

------
jelliclesfarm
Crying helps. I remember reading about the different kinds of tears.A
photographer made some kind of art project out of Microscopic slides made from
slides. Anger crying and stress crying had markers for cortisol in them.

------
cntlzw
"38 Years Old", The Tragically Hip.

~~~
DoreenMichele
I had never heard of that before and I had no idea what on earth you meant
until I googled it:

[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/38_Years_Old](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/38_Years_Old)

[https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/tragicallyhip/38yearsold.htm...](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/tragicallyhip/38yearsold.html)

~~~
Torwald
Me neither, but I find it is a perfect description for that age (38): you are
tragically hip.

You are young enough to be hip to everything that is going on. Tragically
though, you are too old for being 20 again, to do everything "the right why"
now that you have discernment.

But you are not there yet, where the 50 year old dude is, squeezing the lemon
for all that's still left and not giving a function key f1.

~~~
mjayhn
I must be missing some hidden meaning in these wikipedia link/lyrics because
what I'm getting from them is a song about a guy who broke out of prison for
killing a guy who raped his sister when he was 20 and was in jail for 18
years..

I guess the point is he was gone from society for 18 years? Am I the only
mid-30s person who doesn't feel like they're unhip?

~~~
ohyeshedid
I'm older, but I'd wager hip is to knowledge as authentic is to wisdom.

------
specialist
_"...when I was trying hard to figure out how to put down my anger instead of
continuing to cling to it."_

McKay's book When Anger Hurts got me onto the right path.
[https://www.amazon.com/When-Anger-Hurts-Quieting-
Within/dp/1...](https://www.amazon.com/When-Anger-Hurts-Quieting-
Within/dp/1572243449) TLDR: Anger starts with expectations. Which leads to
disappointment, resentment, blame, and then lands on anger. I keep hoping for
followups; surely the state of the art has progressed since.

The next plateau for me was figuring out how to unlearn my anger habit. I
heard that habits can only be replaced. So I decided to pretend being happy,
positive. Why not? Nothing else worked and I was out ideas.

I was really surprised that it worked.

Next plateau for me was dealing with anxiety. Maybe half of my symptoms had a
physiological origin. Only discovered after a lumbar fusion and my anxiety was
mostly gone. In retrospect, I'm grumpy for all the wasted effort and misc
treatments endured (eg SSRIs).

I still don't have much clue about dealing with trauma, PTSD. I'd like to try
psychotropics (shrooms, MDMA), but have had trouble finding trustworthy
suppliers.

\--

Thanks to u/Dowwie for Bone's Feeling Good tip. Somehow hadn't seen that
before. Will try it.

------
throwaway08810
I dont have thoughts of suicide at all, but I constantly have thoughts of
leaving everything - the job, family, friends, etc and go to a place i dont
know anyone.

Is there a name for this?

~~~
DoreenMichele
I would probably call that "escapist fantasies."

It's probably not at all uncommon and you might enjoy this article:

[https://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/when-wanderlust-
was-a-...](https://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/when-wanderlust-was-a-
disease)

~~~
throwaway08810
thanks, that was an interesting article.

however, this is not me at all. I have never wandered, am very conscious all
the time, and thats why i have not left family, kids, job etc

my favorite ad would the SouthWest 'wanna get away'? I think the failures in
life, and how i think others perceive them, and how my family perceives me
make me have thoughts (consciously)

but the fact that i am unable to act on it makes me very sad.

~~~
DoreenMichele
I wasn't suggesting you did that.

I have both suicidal ideation and escapist fantasies. I spent years
fantasizing about moving to a small coastal town, which I more or less
basically did about 2.5 years ago. (I'm on a river coast, not an ocean coast,
20 minutes or so from the ocean and we get tidal surge here and brackish
waters.)

When I first got here, my life was still frustrating and I would have escapist
fantasies of just leaving and moving to a small coastal town somewhere and
then realize I already live in a small coastal town. I never quite knew how to
feel about that. Like "Um, I win? I guess. At least I don't need to pack my
bags and move. I'm here already."

With living here, my life is slowly coming together and I much less often have
that fantasy of "I'm just going to up and leave and move to a small coastal
town, damn it!" But it wasn't immediate. Arriving here didn't promptly fix
everything about my life, even though it was immediately a huge improvement
over what I had been experiencing.

I think it's pretty normal to want immediate relief of some kind and to, on
some level, recognize that "These people and this place and yadda -- that's a
big part of the problem." and the logical inference is that if you could just
get away from these people and this place, things would be immediately better.

So it's kind of like wishing for an "easy button" for life when life is
frustrating.

But there's also truth to the saying "Wherever you go, there you are." Not all
problems are cured by just getting away from these people or this place.

It took me a lot of years to resolve some of my problems. I persisted because
I didn't feel I really had another option. I could work on it or I could kill
myself, basically. It certainly wasn't acceptable to just accept the problems
I had and make my peace with simply living with those issues. Something had to
change, so I just kept at it, even though it took a long time to make changes
happen.

For me, my idea of "I would like to live in a small coastal town" is something
I was eventually able to arrange and it is proving to be better than anything
else I've ever had. But it still is something that is growing on me, so to
speak.

And that's just my personal story. It's not advice and I'm not telling you
what you should do.

