

What Geeks Need to Understand About Women - kirillzubovsky
http://www.geekatsea.com/hard-relationship-lessons-that-all-must-learn

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DarkShikari
So many of these silly articles would be unnecessary if people just used their
brains and their empathy.

People with two X chromosomes are not some sort of bizarre alien for you to
"figure out how they work". They're people, like you. They have desires --
probably pretty similar to yours in most respects. Use your empathy, and think
from their perspective... just like you would for _anyone else in the world_.

Yet people constantly go into relationships thinking only of themselves. Rants
are everywhere about what a person "wants in a woman/man" or "wants in a
relationship" where the entire concept that the other side of the relationship
has "desires" or "wants" is ignored. Relationships fail largely because people
think only about themselves, not others.

A lot of "geeks" seem to want to generalize everything about women and make up
"rules" for dealing with them, as if somehow all people are all the same. They
constantly come up with "scientific" explanations for "why women are
different", ignoring the fact that the variation among people of a single
gender is vastly larger than the variation between genders. Saying "all women
want X" is much akin to saying "all black people want fried chicken", except a
whole lot more politically correct (somehow).

... have you ever tried thinking about them and treating them as _people_ with
_brains_? It works pretty well, you know.

~~~
kirillzubovsky
It's unfortunate if it came across as one-sided, but I tried to make a point
that "noticing nuances" works for all sorts of relationships. In this case,
yes, I royally screwed up my relationship with that girl ... but being selfish
and ignorant to other's needs and desires goes way beyond just romantic
relationships. So yes, I agree, "they" are certainly people, and this is a
reminder to treat each other how you want to be treated.

------
BrianBerk
So this is how straight people date? Sounds like hell. I try to avoid
relationships expectations of emotional support are based on how well I can
follow unspoken rules and keep my feelings under wraps. For many gay men this
means being a lot more brash and rude with our partners, and relaxing the
rules of monogamy. I'm not saying that it will work for everyone, but I've
seen similar kind of relationships work with my straight friends.

> Guys often love to look at the other ladies and check out their curves,
> maybe fantasize a little. It's the nature, sort of. I mean, single guys do
> it, married guys do, even gay guys do it.

Ha, no we don't. I mean, I do with guys and all but still.

------
cynicalkane
I was hoping he'd talk about how women work (in general, of course), why, and
how to apply this information. Instead this article reads like this: a guy
didn't pay attention to his girl, and is now regretting the fact, so he's
advocating misplaced submissiveness--pretending she's right, thinking he
"should have been dumped" for one non-huge mistake, never looking at other
women--in lieu of the misplaced confidence he had earlier. Well, misplaced
confidence can drive away a woman, but misplaced submissiveness is the least
attractive thing in the universe.

I'm willing to bet the reason his ex "won't see him or talk to him" is
because, in his attempts to talk to her, he comes off as desperate and
pathetic--and probably a little creepy.

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aj700
This seems to have fallen a looong way from front page then immediately? How?

It's useful stuff to me. If taken as accurate, it tells me that I am not ready
for a girlfriend, if it means I can't ogle other girls. Useful to know that.

~~~
kirillzubovsky
In all honesty, that's probably because I once shared a HN link in email ...
and I am pretty certain I now get automatically banned from the front page.
It's kind of a bummer, but PG's ruling is final.

~~~
tuxguy
Thanks for the great article Kirill...very well written & you articulated some
complex thoughts, which are kind of relationship commonsense, but hard to
articulate & internalize/implement :)

I had a q. about your comment above though.."In all honesty, that's probably
because I once shared a HN link in email"

I am a HN n00b...is sharing HN links in emails forbidden ? If so, what's the
reason ?

~~~
kirillzubovsky
It's not forbidden, of course, but if you share a link in email and ask people
to upvote that link, chances are you'll be picked up as spam. "Gaming" HN is
really a no-no. But, turns out in my case, that wasn't the case.

------
evilbit
Look on the bright side: she was wrong on tips: they're calculated on net
price and need not include the tax. If you're tipping based on total (incl.
tax), you're tipping few % more than you intended to.

~~~
kirillzubovsky
lol. I know, right, that's the "right" answer from the patron's point of view.
From the waiter's view, it's as much as you're willing to give'em =) le sigh

