
Ask HN: Tips for a new dad? - tnorthcutt
My wife is due next month with our first child, and I am very, very excited. We're having a boy.<p>I've read at least one post on HN before about tips for those new to parenting, but I'm sure there are people who may have missed those threads previously, or have had a child since then and have something of value to contribute, so I decided to ask. I'm not too concerned about the basics as we spend a lot of time around kids. Anything is welcome, though.<p>Specifically, what are things I can do to best take care of my wife?
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bmelton
Sleep while you can. I've heard stories about newborns who sleep 8 hours at
night, but I've never personally seen it. I hearken it to the yeti.

The system that worked best for sleep schedules for us was splitting duties.
Mommy was on 'input', i.e., feedings, and I was on output. It gave Mommy a
sense of relief (because she will almost certainly feel overburdened) for me
to take the baby, even if just for a short time.

Clean the house -- your wife will appreciate every single thing that she
doesn't later have to do.

If you cook, try to cook enough that there will be leftovers. Even better, if
you can make any re-heatable meals that your wife can find and reheat during
the day, that'll be gold.

As for the actual child-rearing, the only advice I can think of particular to
me that seems to have worked is that we never spoke 'baby-talk'. We always
spoke in full English. Anecdotally, we believe that contributed to our
daughter's ability to speak significantly younger than expected.

------
pg
The two most useful pieces of advice we got were:

1\. When baby sleeps, mommy sleeps.

2\. When baby cries, he's hungry.

~~~
pedoh
2\. When baby cries, he's hungry, needs a change, or has a bubble that needs
to go either up or down. And you won't necessarily know which of the three he
is until you've tried to fix all three.

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kerben
Congrats! One thing I would highly recommend, only because it worked so well
with my boys, is a motorized swing - specifically the one made by Fisher
Price. It consistently helped with soothing them or putting them to sleep
while they were infants, when almost everything else failed. The reviews don't
lie - check out [http://www.amazon.com/Fisher-Price-Cradle-Swing-
Little/dp/B0...](http://www.amazon.com/Fisher-Price-Cradle-Swing-
Little/dp/B0018Z6910/ref=dp_ob_title_def)

~~~
tnorthcutt
Funny you should suggest that one - I'm actually looking at the box it's
sitting in as I type this!

~~~
kerben
:) good luck with assembly!

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brudgers
Just remember, baby comes first, mom comes second, and you are third. Unless
you have a dog, then you come fourth.

It's a great time, enjoy it. Congratulations.

~~~
seanm
And by third he means "no sex for 6 mo."

But you'll be too tired to miss it anyhow.

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pedoh
Congratulations on your new startup! My third daughter is now two and a half
weeks old.

I think that the biggest step for you will be to come to terms with the fact
that nothing will ever be the same. And I say that, knowing that you won't
fully grasp that until the first time you see your child. And then you'll
relearn that with any subsequent children! For me, the first time I've held
each of my children, I've been completely floored and awed and instantly in
love. All of a sudden, here is a person on earth that I would die for. It's
amazing.

You and your wife are about to be very tired. Your son will need to be fed,
changed, and burped ... and sometimes it will seem like there's no break in
between! I think establishing very regular patterns is a good thing for
everyone. Same time to bed, same time to get up, et cetera. It will take
tweaking and modification as time goes on, but talk to your wife on a regular
basis about how the patterns are working or not working, adjust, and keep on
going. For us right now, the pattern is that she goes to bed earlier and I
stay up with the baby, letting her get some solid sleep until the baby needs
to be fed again. We're still tweaking the parameters, and we've been so
fortunate to have my wife's mother staying with us, and she's a huge help, so
once she's left, it will be another adjustment.

I suggest using a cosleeper. Having the baby sleep with you in the bed may
very well mean that you don't sleep as well because you'll be paranoid that
you'll roll over onto the baby. Or worse, you'll roll over onto the baby! A
cosleeper puts the baby conveniently close.

Crying is okay. Let him cry a little bit. The natural instinct is to
immediately feed / change / console. If you are solving his problems a
microsecond after he announces there's a problem, then he'll expect that every
time. If he's allowed to cry a little here and there, he'll understand that
mom and dad will still take care of him. It will ease the transition to the
day when he's sleeping in a crib, not in the same room (also highly
recommended).

Take ALL advice with a grain of salt. What works for me won't necessarily work
for you. Be ready to try different approaches. Note that this may be in direct
conflict with establishing regular patterns!

Best wishes to you and your wife, and if you have any questions you want to
run by a new dad (before or after your son is born), please feel free to reach
out, my email is in my profile.

~~~
mildavw
_Having the baby sleep with you in the bed may very well mean that you don't
sleep as well because you'll be paranoid that you'll roll over onto the baby.
Or worse, you'll roll over onto the baby!_

I sleep with my kids and enjoy the bonding benefit as well as others (like I
know instantly when one is developing a fever). Regarding the
arguments/justifications above, consider this:

Sleeping in a bed may very well mean that you don't sleep as well because
you'll be paranoid that you'll roll off onto the floor. Or worse, you'll roll
over onto the floor!

Unless you regularly fall out of bed, are so obese you can't track what all
that skin is touching, or have some serious sleep disorder, you're not going
to crush your kid.

~~~
pedoh
Hah, I like the floor analogy. I can also attest to sleeping with the baby on
my chest without crushing her, despite our decision to not have her in the bed
with us. As you can see, there are lots of different opinions, and they're all
held by smart, rational people, so the bottom line is that do what works for
you, and anyone who complains about your way of doing it can go fly a kite!

~~~
mildavw
Amen. Agree 100%.

(But I couldn't help busting you on the "you're going to crush your kid!!!"
line!)

Parents who consider these choices carefully are modeling decision-making
skills that will be passed along and benefit their kids much more than the
actual result of the decisions.

------
JonathanWCurd
I know its cliche but take time to enjoy it cause it goes by so fast.

And make sure mommy gets attention too (she deserves it) because baby will be
the star.

~~~
tnorthcutt
Thanks for the tips. Is there anything specific to having a newborn that
you've found can help your wife feel appreciated and cared for?

~~~
JonathanWCurd
I would just say make sure she knows she is loved and appreciated. Its hard
because all the attention will be on the baby from you, from her, and from
anyone else that comes around.

You know her best so make some special time for you and her. For my wife and
myself we found special time during the odd hours of the night when baby was
feeding to just sit and talk and be together even though we were exhausted.

It really is a magical time and sharing it together makes it even better.

------
ivankirigin
The most notable thing about newborns is the sleep deprivation they cause. To
prepare, get off of caffeine right now and if you don't already, take up
regular exercise. These will help you be more normal when sleep deprived. Not
drinking alcohol would also help.

I would read about how to calm a crying baby. There is a formula that works
really well: wrapping, rocking, shh-ing, etc. I found squats worked well with
my first. The second didn't like it so much.

Finally, you might underestimate how absurd giving birth is mechanically. It
just doesn't make sense. A friend remarked that giving birth was "like getting
butt fucked by a rhino". No rhino's were on hand to tell their side of the
story. The point is to expect incapacitation.

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shortlived
Go out to dinner with your wife, now! Enjoy your time alone together. Enjoy
the silence and lack of any _real_ responsibilty.

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projectileboy
I have three kids, ages 9, 6 and 3. My suggestions:

* Sleep whenever you can

* Have fun

* Be patient with your wife

* Be patient with yourself - you will occasionally want to cook and eat your brand new baby

* Make sure your wife is eating well, and let her get out of the house by herself sometimes

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iamchmod
1) Buy her gourmet cupcakes

2) Listen to her

3) Help where appropriate - know your skill sets

4) Learn a new skill set to help (diapering/bottling etc)

5) Buy her more gourmet cupcakes

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rjhackin
Take a short break from hacker news..seriously..it pulls you :)
congratulations

------
capstone
I wanted to contribute a couple things that probably won't get mentioned by
others, especially because there are likely not too many new mothers on here.

First, find out the percentages of cesarian birth and breastfeeding for both
your obstetrician and your hospital as compared to the national average. If
the numbers don't look good, don't hesitate to switch (even if you like your
doctor but they are affiliated with a knife-happy hospital). You can adjust
your parenting style as you go but the window of opportunity for the birth and
breastfeeding experience - which will lay a foundation to the mother's
happiness and the baby's health - is literally hours. (The breastfeeding
window is minutes after birth - the longer you delay, the harder it becomes,
for both mother and baby, so if your wife ends up with an unnecessary
c-section and cannot breastfeed due to post-op issues, or if the hospital
doesn't have any nurses to show her what to do, you may lose that window for
good).

Second, don't go crazy on parenting do's and dont's until the baby is at least
3 months old. They won't remember anything so there is no reason to do sleep
training or any other training. If the baby wants to sleep with mommy, let
them, and if the baby cries to be in mommy's arms, let them. (Research shows
that babies who get lots of mommy time are more independent later on, as
opposed to getting used to it as disciplinarians will suggest). I think one of
the nicest things you can do for your wife is let her know that you won't
judge her if she is being a bit of a pushover for baby. Keep telling her she
is a good mom - every time my husband says that, it makes my day.

Third, be understanding of her need for some untouched time. I mean that
literally. It's draining to have a baby holding on for dear life 24/7. Don't
take it personally. Go out constantly for the first several months, it's an
amazing luxury that will not last forever.

Lastly, buy her a moby wrap. It works for a newborn with no head control, it
keeps the baby and mother close and happy, and it's amazing for weight
distribution, especially if she is a wimpy 100-pounder like me. It's just as
good for "wearing" the baby at home. Seriously, a total back saver.

(I also second @kerben's motorized swing/cradle).

I think it will be a great experience for both of you. It sounds like your
head is in the right place and she is lucky to have you as a partner. My
husband is a rockstar daddy as well and that makes a huge difference. Everyone
talks about sleep deprivation and all that but my experience has been "baby
rainbows" (a term I've come up with to indicate the opposite of "baby blues")
and he is largely to thank for that. I wish you the same.

P.S. Apologies for the TMI (non-parents feel free to stop reading) but I
thought I must mention something else since you are having a boy. If she is
breastfeeding, they will put her on special contraceptives in order to avoid
dosing the baby with estrogen. These will be an absolute killer for her sex
drive so I highly recommend that she look into a copper IUD instead. No
hormones, no daily pill popping, and no side effects such as mentioned above.
Daddy happy too :)

~~~
jtbigwoo
>First, find out the percentages of cesarian birth and breastfeeding for both
your obstetrician and your hospital as compared to the national average. If
the numbers don't look good, don't hesitate to switch (even if you like your
doctor but they are affiliated with a knife-happy hospital).

To add my two cents: Decide right now what type of birth experience you want.
Some of my friends wanted the full suite of drugs as soon as they walk in the
hospital door; others want as little medical intervention as possible. If
you're thinking about going the low-intervention route, try to find a doula or
midwife. Either one will be able to spend time with you as your advocate
during labor as opposed to an O.B. who will check in every once in a while and
end up spending a total of an hour or two with you. AFAIK, the cost of a doula
or midwife is covered by most insurance plans.

(If you're like me, your picture of a midwife will be a hippy-dippy boomer who
chants and wants everybody to give birth squatting in a field. When we looked
around, it was easy to find a really good certified nurse midwife who was very
professional and didn't smell like patchouli.)

Also, IUD = great idea. Some IUD's are embedded with a small dose of hormones,
so you'll want some real medical advice before choosing one.

------
daemianmack
Our boy just turned 3 months old. People keep telling us we got really lucky,
but the impact on sleep and personal time has not been that huge.

During my wife's pregnancy, I had a big development project eating up 90%-95%
of my free time: I wanted to get it done before he arrived, anticipating the
huge time suck everyone warned me about. (I ended hitting the finish line, and
deployed over the two-week paternity leave, and let him push the launch button
when he was 8 days old.)

In my experience -- and again, YMMV, etc. -- if you can regiment your time
carefully, it's absolutely not that big a deal. Yes, our days are
substantially different now, but we work together really well to relieve each
other; I get plenty of development time, she gets plenty of roller derby time,
and after completing the post-deploy piece of my last project, I've already
picked up another major project and am getting things done.

I've always been a pretty light sleeper, and it's not uncommon for me to be
woken up at 4 and just not go back to sleep, so perhaps I already could deal
with mild sleep deprivation well, but I really have no complaints about the
amount of sleep we're getting. Generally I'll take the last feeding of the
night, since I probably won't go back to sleep after, and there were a couple
days in there where I dragged a bit, but really, the impact has been
negligible.

(The impact of him coming home sick from daycare is an entirely different
story. It's like he's a breeder reactor for bugs. I haven't been that sick in
years.)

The best way I found to take care of my wife is to get her what she wants,
when she wants it -- i.e., literally stand up before she's finished her
request and go take care of it, stat. She's in a ton of discomfort (both
before and after pregnancy, especially if you're doing a natural birth) and
will appreciate the hell out of you going the extra mile. Post-birth, being
instantly ready to locate/retrieve/position whatever baby paraphernalia or
etc. has been a big help to her. Before we gravitated to a nice he-eats-then-
we-eat schedule, I used to feed her and myself both as she fed the baby. Felt
silly the first time but it worked out great logistically.

Some random bits in no particular order...

Interesting baby hack: one time the boy was crying, and just holding him
wasn't doing the trick, so I figured his diaper needed changing. As a rule,
his crying increases dramatically when first laid down for the diaper change,
then he perks up and stops crying after he's cleaned up. So I laid him down,
took off his diaper, and found that it was actually clean. When I re-diapered
him and picked him up, he stopped crying... even though he didn't need the
diaper change in the first place. I think if we could find out what was going
on in their little brains, we'd be pretty surprised.

Totally invest in the mechanical swing kerben mentions.

When nothing else works, a warm bath has proven to be an awesome baby-fixer
for us.

You will learn many new ways to care about poop.

~~~
tnorthcutt
Thanks for sharing your experience, that's very encouraging.

I've heard the horror stories about poop getting smeared on walls, etc. (when
they're a little bit older)... :D

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kschua
First off, Congrats.

Secondly, this is not about taking care of your wife, but just my 3 years of
working experience and things I thought I would share.

Sorry, I can't help about taking care of your wife, because my wife was able
to take care of herself. She had a natural birth

Second most important thing I learned is applying "Customer Driven
Development" to the baby. There is a different kind of cry between baby is
hungry, baby needs change of diapers and baby needs a hug. This was the basis
of the Dunstan Baby Language. I can personally attest that the different types
of cry is true, though I believe that each baby has their own set of cries and
not a one size fit all as proposed by the Dunstan Baby Language, so you need
to learn and find out. <sidetrack> I was going to develop a mobile app for
that but my baby grew up too quick</sidetrack>.

Most important thing. Observe the baby, play with the baby and have fun! I
discovered a lot about myself observing my baby. The one that really etched in
my memory was when I saw her trying to get a toy for herself. At that time,
she hasn't learned to crawl yet, but she could sit and roll. This toy was
beyond her reach and it was really amazing to see how she shifted her sitting
position, lie down, keep rolling till she reached her toy. At that instant, I
saw the stroke of ingenuity of her in me when I was young. Trying different
ways to get what I want. The question is, how did that trait in me got lost
throughout my life?

One program I do recommend is "Your Baby Can Read". I let my daughter watch
this show when she was 6 months and she got engrossed in it. We know she was
picking up things from the show because she could sing "Twinkle, Twinkle" even
though we didn't teach her, but we did encourage her to sing it to us. The
magical moment was when out of the blue, she just followed the action of "Head
and Shoulders, Knees and Toes". But she got bored of this show at 18 months
and is now currently watching "Playschool" (this is shown in Aust). You might
be able to purchase some of this show on shop.abc.net.au

Another privileage we have was having my wife stay at home and look after her.
The main benefit I found from this was that my wife is better able to
understand what my daughter wants when she talks. For example, she used the
word "wee" to mean she wants a drink prior to learning the word water. Only my
wife knew what she wanted. I remembered my daughter and I both getting
frustrated when she went "wee" and kept crying because I didn't know what she
want. It was only until my wife overhead us and gave her the water that I
realised what she wanted. I could only imagine if we sent her to childcare she
had to go through educating adults that "wee" is water multiple times.

I wrote a bit about how we managed childbirth without epidural in my blog if
you are interested <http://kschua.posterous.com/tag/chidbirthepiduralbaby> I
believe the machine I refered to in my blog is Cardiotocography

and my thoughts about when to stop breastfeeding here
<http://kschua.posterous.com/tag/breastfeedingbabywean>

Have fun!

