
How to turn small talk into smart conversation - dmilanp
http://ideas.ted.com/2014/07/28/how-to-turn-small-talk-into-smart-conversation/
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nostromo
These suggestions are dreadful.

> Instead of 'Where are you from?' try 'What’s the strangest thing about where
> you grew up?'

> Instead of, 'Yes, it is a beautiful day!' try 'They say that the weather was
> just like this when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. If that actually
> happened.'

If the goal is to have a pleasant and interesting conversation, dropping non-
sequiturs isn't going to get you there.

And this is advice for introverts? Many introverts I know would crash and burn
using these lines -- they already struggle with being awkward without throwing
out, “What would you like your name to mean?”

~~~
DavidAdams
I agree with you that for the most part the suggested alternative conversation
starters range from pretty bad to hilariously bad. But I was very glad to read
this short article because the larger idea put forth in the article is very
thought-provoking, and is really good advice. You'll have to use your own
creativity to try to spark an interesting conversation, but I feel a little
energized by the challenge.

Why do you suppose people are so interested by self-help and "life hacks," but
in general we're not actually that motivated for self improvement?

(see what I did there?)

~~~
rrss1122
It's a much better conversation starter than the suggested ones in the
article.

------
rokhayakebe
Or just be genuinely interested in people. Everybody has something interesting
and if you dig you will find it.

If the goal is to make the conversation interesting/smart, it starts with
great difficulty because what sounds interesting/smart to one may be just
dull/stupid to another.

Most people may feel a little reluctant when someone else is digging, but that
is only because they have grown an instinct to honestly disbelieve anyone may
be truly interested in knowing them for nothing.

Since we can't worry how people feel about our little inquiries, we can only
ask and be honestly interested in knowing more about others, discovering more.

~~~
GrinningFool
Except for those who would genuinely _want_ to be honestly interested in
learning more, but ... aren't. Because wanting to be interested isn't the same
as being interested, and it often shows - creating a conversational
awkwardness that's even worse than it otherwise would have been.

~~~
rokhayakebe
Hackers will hack just about everything except their personality even when it
can be to their advantage.

I do not go to Starbucks with the intention of striking a conversation with
strangers and try to find something interesting.

I do go out with the intention of talking to whomever I want to talk to even
if my second thought after realizing this is negative, and even if I am afraid
of others reaction.

It fails most of the time, but I think over time I will get better at it.

------
soneca
I think any smart conversation should start, at least, on the second question.
A "How are you?" and "What's your name?" are great first questions. Don't
bother finding very clever alternatives. But pay attention to how people
respond to it. You can sense if they are in a hurry, worried about other
things, not interested at all in you as a person, etc. In these cases, just
leave it. Not every conversation must be the most smart and productive one.
And not every person is worthy your effort (specially those don't even bother
to look at you when you are talking).

But if there is room, then you can start with clever, original questions. But
the second question, should also sounds friendly, not creepy. The best way to
do this I think it is to make a subtle compliment. A try might be "You look
like an artist,what kind of artist are you? I would guess
painter/singer/writer".

Or funny self-awareness "Do you think people who make small talk with
strangers are annoying?".

Then you assess again the reactions... and hopefully a smarter conversation
begins.

~~~
seba_dos1
"(specially those don't even bother to look at you when you are talking)" I
often look mostly at the floor or at the sky when listening or talking to
someone. It usually helps me to concentrate on the content of the conversation
- and I noticed that I do that during the most engaging and interesting rather
than the most boring ones.

~~~
soneca
I used it as a proxy. It is easier to notice than to describe both when
someone don't want to talk to you in that particular moment or when someone
don't really care about you as a person. I am not the kind of guy that looks
in the eyes when talking either, but I think there is a kind of not looking
that demonstrate you are concentrated on the conversation and a kind of not
looking that demonstrate that you are a fly annoying the person.

------
GrinningFool
Upvoted because the suggestions are so bad that they merit discussion.

As someone who, growing up, decided to break out of the introvert pattern by
applying such non sequiturs as suggested, I can tell you truly that the only
thing such a tactic will do is get you labelled as weird ;)

Also: “What’s your story?”

Sounds only one step removed from: "What's your problem?"

~~~
atrilumen
But isn't it better to be weird than to be boring?

I'm just flat out socially retarded, and desperately lonely. Reading this, I
felt a twinge of excitement at the suggestion that I might break out of the
box with a little creativity. I kind of took it as saying, "don't be afraid to
be weird".

I think my fear of revealing how crazy I am probably accounts for a good deal
of what holds me back. The idea of it being okay to be weird, or at least,
unexpectedly thoughtful and inquisitive, seems a rather hopeful one. (Sadly,
I'm absolutely clueless as to whether that's actually the case.)

~~~
jholman
Sometimes it's better to be weird than boring, sometimes vice versa.

Certainly if you are "desperately lonely", that sounds like a situation where
you might want to take (at least) a few (modest) risks to make a few more
personal connections, absolutely. Yeah, don't be terrified of being weird, or
being seen as weird.

But I think if you want to make a _connection_ , artificially-weird is not,
i.m.h.o., your best strategy. And I think that's what's being suggested in TFA
(perhaps jokingly). I'd consider aiming instead towards more honesty, and that
means (a little) more vulnerability.

Now, if your honesty reveals that in some particular ways you are a weird
person (which would, in general, be a good sign of being potentially
interesting and worth connecting with), well, that might work against you in
some instances. Or it might work _for_ you in some instances. If it's
important that you gain the trust of this particular stranger right now
(perhaps a cop who is considering arresting you), maybe you wanna try to
downplay the weirdness in this particular interaction, to avoid ugly outlier
reactions.

But in the making-friends department (and in the finding-lovers department, if
you're not Wilt Chamberlain), the goal is not to be everything to everybody.
The goal is to winnow the chaff of the public-at-large to find people whom you
like, and who like you. So take some chances, put a few people off. If you get
rejected (or you yourself reject) 99% of the population... well, just try
making friends with 1000 people (say one a day for 3 years) and you'll have no
shortage of friends. Being "normal" is a liability! Your weirdness may bore or
repel most people... but someone eventually will find your weirdness
interesting or attractive.

So, if you need to go with non sequiturs to break a fear of doing anything
interesting at all, well, that's a start. But I think it would be better to
seek topics that might be genuinely interesting to both parties (unlike, say,
conspiracy theories about Pearl Harbour, which probably aren't genuinely
interesting to either party, even if they're more interesting than super-
boring small talk).

For example, a strategy I respect very much is to ask people about themselves
or their life (hopefully in a way that flows fluidly from a sentence or two of
small talk), and when their story includes something that surprises or
interests you, ask questions about that interesting or improbable aspect. (I
wonder if Alton is reading this.)

My apologies if any of the foregoing sounds patronizing or otherwise
insulting.

Good luck with the loneliness, you have my sympathy.

------
skierscott
While most of these suggestions are terrible, think of the message they're
trying to send: ask open ended questions that promote discussion and answer
with real answers.

On asking open ended questions, I have a few questions I always fall back to.
If meeting someone new, I ask "If you had to describe your life in one
sentence, what would it be?". In an silent pause with friends I'll ask "if you
had $10,000 and couldn't don anything rational, what would you spend it on?".

On answering with _real_ answers, I do just that. If asked how your day is
going, say how you really feel instead of "good". Often this opens up a deeper
discussion, but you can always choose to say "good" if that's socially
appropriate.

~~~
grrowl
"Hypothetically, if you were to launder $500,000, how would you want to do
it?"

------
seba_dos1
Maybe the part with absurd answers could make some sense if done properly
(however, mastering the usage of absurd is not easy - there's a thin line
between being intriguing and pathetic), but if someone would use this "telling
the story" questions during the conversation with me I'd just be annoyed -
especially if that would be a stranger. That's some meaningless stuff where
you don't even have any slightest idea of where to start when answering,
unless you go into absurd as well, which may or may not be the way to go
depending on your mood, person you're talking to, etc.

------
SuperKlaus
If Gino responds to "It's hot today" with "In this dimension, yes." Beverley
is most probably done talking to him, even if they both are all by themselves
in a jacuzzi.

------
mrjj
I'm sorry but the can't finish this conversation any other way that:

Ron: How was your flight? Carlos: I’d be more intrigued by an airline where
your ticket price was based on your body weight and IQ. Ron: Go fuck yourself!

Beverly: It’s hot today. Gino: In this dimension, yes. Beverly: Go fuck
yourself!

Riz: What’s up? Keil: Washing your chicken just splatters the bacteria
everywhere. ...

Yip, go fuck yourself twice, Riz!

------
jdonaldson
I was pretty introverted until I figured it was just another form of
selfishness. People stress me out, but generally it's just another "mirroring"
effect. I'm stressing them out just as badly. Of course things go sideways in
that situation.

------
lucasnemeth
These will just show you are too much full of yourself and trying too hard to
be funny.

------
khangnn
Can't wait to try this for the next networking event. Being an introvert in
this pro-extrovert society makes me feel pretty much a square pegs in round
holes

------
yamaneko
Most suggestions were given by Phoebe Buffay.

------
IvyMike
> "They say that the weather was just like this when the Japanese bombed Pearl
> Harbor. If that actually happened."

If your goal is to get instantly binned into the same category as 9/11
truthers, moon landing doubters, and holocaust deniers, this might be a good
suggestion.

~~~
gk1
That's supposed to be a joke, not an actual suggested line to use in a
conversation.

