

Harmful Communication, Part One: Intent is Magic - PebblesRox
http://www.shakesville.com/2011/12/harmful-communication-part-one-intent.html

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PebblesRox
I've noticed this theme of people getting offended and other people saying
they shouldn't be offended a lot. I enjoyed reading this analysis of the
dynamics involved, although I'm still not sure where I stand.

I can see how it can start to feel like you're walking on eggshells around
certain people and how that can damage a relationship. I also know how easy it
is to be hurt by someone even when they weren't trying to cause any harm. In
fact sometimes it's been the thoughtlessness that has hurt the most.

I did think fannie's comment was good; he or she did a good job of putting
into words something that I've wondered about in the past:

"It also seems like it's pretty common for many people to think that, like,
the only people capable of having racist thoughts are those who are, say, in
white supremacist movements. Or that the only people capable of being
homophobic are, say, the Westboro Baptist Church. Or, that the only people
capable of being sexist against women are like, fundamentalist religious
types.

And so, when a person who doesn't think of hirself as being extreme or hateful
is called out for having some sort *-ist opinion, they are really scared of
the weight of that. In their head, they didn't intend to cause any harm (and
they are truly sincere in that intent), but they feel like they're being
compared to, like Fred Phelps and they don't understand why.... They think
that only these ridiculous caricaturized villains are the only beings capable
of being problematic, and I think that misperception contributes to Magical
Intent."

I don't know how to link directly to the comment, but you can just search for
fannie. It's not too far down.

