
Ask HN: Tips for Hackers having Kids? - thegyppo
In about 6 months I've got a lovely bundle of joy coming into the world, needless to say I'm extremely excited.<p>Like many Hackers I work fairly long hours, especially weekends (sometimes when I get my best work done).<p>I'd love to hear some tips from fellow hackers who have had kids &#38; some tips on managing the transition to a more family focused life, without losing sight of goals &#38; milestones that you have for your startup.
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exline
Having kids has been a great change in my life. My kids are 4 and 6 now and
I'm loving being a dad. I can still work long hours, but I split the hours to
spend time with them. I don't have the time I'd like to have to dig into new
technologies, new tools, etc, but I feel I'm a good dad. Starting to do some
science experiments with my kids which is very cool.

What has worked for me is to get an early start in the morning so I can cut
off work at a decent hour. Then I often will put in hours after the kids go to
bed. Doing this I can still put in fairly long hours. Important thing is to
review your goals and milestones and make adjustments to the time required to
hit them. If the schedule was created assuming 60-70 hours a week, you will
need to rethink the deadlines.

On the family front, one thing that has worked out really we for my wife and
me is that we each have one night a week free, where the other is responsible
for the kids. This one afternoon/evening is a nice relief. I use it to go grab
some drinks with friends, play golf, hack on a project, watch a movie, etc. We
both find that we are better parents (and spouses) when we get some down time.

~~~
davidw
> I don't have the time I'd like to have to dig into new technologies, new
> tools, etc, but I feel I'm a good dad.

That sort of sums it up for me. Being a good dad is the priority for me too,
but I feel that perhaps it's the beginning of the end, in a field where you
have to rush to keep up with so much stuff happening.

------
jacquesm
Kids come first!

Spouses second.

Computers third.

I'm sure you already figured that one out but I still have to remind myself
periodically when I'm in to something interesting so I figured it wouldn't
hurt to repeat it.

Get up an hour or two before your kids do so you can get some work done when
you're still fresh (assuming your kids don't get up at 6 am :) ).

~~~
fezzl
Why kids first, spouses second?

~~~
frossie
Because they, as parents, are entirely responsible for the kid's very
existence. Adults are, to a large degree, responsible for themselves, much as
we may love them.

------
frossie
1\. Your priorities will change. You're not the same person after you have had
a kid. But, you will find that the pressure on your available hours will help
you figure out how to work smarter and triage your worklist better. You will
have to work fewer hours, but your productivity will adjust to compensate to a
large degree.

2\. Hack when they sleep. Pray to any gods you may have that the one you get
does that plentifully and regularly :-)

Good luck!

~~~
koenigdavidmj
For the first two months, ignore point the second and _sleep_ when they sleep.

------
erikstarck
My daughter and first child was born this Monday.

I'm reading all the replies and sucking everything in as my daughter is
sleeping on my chest. My life has undoubtedly changed - for the better. There
can not be a better startup than your own kids.

My plan now is to take an employment for 4 days/week and work on my own
project(s) the 5th. Weekends are strictly family.

Is 8 hrs/week enough to get anything off the ground? We'll see. Would love to
hear from anyone else working like that.

~~~
lukeqsee
If she's sleeping, you'd better be sleeping! :-)

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tremendo
Assuming you're not the Mom, plan also to take time off when the baby arrives.
She'll need you, and you too want to bond with the mini you.

Use these first few weeks to help establish (and lengthen) the baby's feeding
and sleeping rythm: er, basically help baby get a full meal, sometimes they
eat only a little then fall asleep and consequently not for very long. Eat,
eat some more, burp. play, sleep.

At first, when baby sleeps, you sleep too. Or you don't sleep at all! Either
way, you'll be oh-so-tired. But there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Everyone will be full of advice, listen patiently, then figure out your own
way, which will be different from all others. In six months you'll be giving
advice too.

------
barrydahlberg
Find something your child loves and make it a routine to do it the moment you
get home from work.

When I arrive home my boy is usually standing at the window waiting for me
with a silly grin on his face. I open the door, Mum passes him to me and I
carry him straight to the park to look at the trees. Fresh air, relaxing
sunsets, big baby laughs and cuddles...

I really can't think of any better way to let go of work day stress and
prepare yourself for the chaos that is dinner, bath and bedtime!

------
tingley
I am more of a builder than a pure entrepreneur, so YMMV.

I quit my job when my son was seven months old, took a month off, then went
back to work three days a week. I'm a stay at home dad the other two.

Eight months later, this seems very, very easily to have been the best
decision I've ever made.

~~~
thegyppo
This is looking like a similar option for us, I'm doing pretty hefty hours
between startup & fulltime employment at the moment (although we are
profitable). So just need to get the timing right, but definitely looking
forward to more flexibility with schedules.

~~~
mikeknoop
I accidentally down-voted you, and can't find a way to undo it :\

~~~
techiferous
I upvoted for you.

------
damla
Actually, you have some experience from your start-up. Babies and a start-ups
have so much in common.

They both leave you sleepless, make you think about them all day, make you
feel like they are the meaning of life, grow fast in front of your eyes, and
interact with you more and more every single day. Well, congratulations!

I'm a hacker's wife and a non-technical co-founder. I and my husband are the
two partners of our start-up.

You may start working on these issues:

* Read about baby care (birth to 6-8 weeks), and start chatting with your wife, so that you can start building your parenting style. Baby care is not difficult, but there are lots of different paths to follow. If you learn in advance, you will fell more confident and need less trial-and-error.

* It's best to limit your working plans for the 0-3 months, best scenario with a nice sleeping angel baby will still be quite hectic.

* Getting help from relatives, friends and even neighbours can do a lot of difference. You can take care baby, but it would be nice if someone can care for you in the meantime.

* If you have not yet, read about sleep depreviation. Motivate your wife to rest as much as she can during pregnancy and following birth.

* About the routine, it seemed not so important to me when I was pregnant, we were not the routine type of couple. It turned out to be very important. When you set a routine, baby knows what's next, so she relaxes and be much more cooperative. And when you know what's next, you can plan your day (no, not boring, believe me).

* Take your family outdoors frequently. It will help your wife to recover.

* You'd better spend some time evaluating baby products to be familiar with market. I'm not telling you to buy things in advance, but in some cases a small stupid-looking gadget can save you lots of time.

* Add some parenting blogs to your reader, especially some of those informative/experience sharing ones.

Good luck on your geek fatherhood journey!

------
briancooley
Lots of good advice in this thread. My best advice is: when you are "there"
with your family, really be there. I have a tendency to focus my attention on
things I am working on even when I am not sitting in front of the computer.
Often this makes me furrow my brow without realizing it.

Early on, my wife (a pronounced extrovert) wanted adult contact and
conversation more than anything. She wasn't all that happy when I was off in
the land of ones and zeros when she was talking to me. It was a minor issue
before the baby, but it really came into focus when their was a little person
vying for our attention all the time. As your child gets older, this advice
will apply doubly for the child.

This might sound a little crude, but, here goes: after the first three months,
schedule opportunities for intimate time! Your time will be limited, and
anything that is not a priority will go by the wayside. You can look up and
find that it has been several months since you've been intimate. We didn't
have a strict schedule like every Wednesday after she sorted the recycling[1],
but we did agree in advance to "take a nap together" later that day or the
next day. Spontaneity just didn't really work for us. The trick is keeping the
pressure off - if one of you is tired and really just wants to take a nap
together, that's got to be OK, otherwise it will drive you apart rather than
bring you together.

Good luck. It's an awesome adventure!

[1] <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU>

------
ezmobius
I have a 5 1/2 month old boy named Ryland and he is just now finally sleeping
all night long(9pm to 7:30am) The first 2-3 months were zombie time. I
couldn't get any work done because of the sleep dep.

My one biggest piece of advice. SLEEP WHEN THE BABY SLEEPS. or you will get
_NO_ sleep ever.

It will be the roughest thing you have ever gone through but one smile from
your childs face up at yours makes it all better and reinvigorates you for
another shot of energy for whatever you need to do.

Trust me though you will need to take at least 4 weeks off work for paternity
leave assuming you are the father. Then once you go back to work expect to
only work on the computer when you are at work. When you get home expect your
wife to want some help with the kid and dinner etc. and don't expect to get
any computer time at night for the first 3-4 months.

You will only get computer work done at work when you are away from the house
and at the office. When you are at home your wife will have a constant stream
of little things she will want you to do and you will feel like a slave, but
then you will imagine what she goes through being alone with the baby _all_
the time. and you will have mad respect for her.

Mostly try to be supportive and learn to not mumble under your breath when she
asks you to do a million little things, Just do them and move along. It will
pass soon once the baby hits 6 months or so and starts to have a real
personality that you can interact with.

The first 4 months out of the womb is considered the 4th trimester and the kid
is really still a foetus. Literally they cannot do anything for themselves
until about 4 months. So its all up to you ad your spouse to do everything for
them. They will be all floppy for a while not even able to hold their head up
without support.

Trust me though it will all be worth it every time your little one smiles in
your face and you will be re-invigorated.

Its the most incredible thing that has every happened to me and it made me re-
evaluate my life and make major changes(like _major_ changes). I resigned from
my startup that I founded after 4 years(engine yard: really long story i'll
write a book about someday ;)) to make sure i could spend this time with my
son as much as possible. I cannot say what I am doing next but I am moving to
Portland where my folks live in order for my son Ryland to be closer to his
grandparents. And got a job that was understanding about working remote and
weird hours. My new boss is the coolest ever he literally said "As long as you
shit good code I don't care where your toilet is" :P

Don't worry, it will come naturally to you like it has to all humans
thhroughout time. But remember this

SLEEP WHEN THE BABY SLEEPS DURING THE FIRST 4 MONTHS

good luck! and congratulations!

~~~
KoZeN
I was keen to respond to this thread until I read the above response. Ezmobius
has absolutely nailed it.

I'm an incredible proud Dad to a fifteen week old baby boy and his advice
echoes every single thing I was going to say.

 _Then once you go back to work expect to only work on the computer when you
are at work._

I'd like to elaborate on this point. Leaving Mum & baby at home will be
difficult for a while, I still struggle with it immensely but it is hugely
important to remember that your job is absolutely instrumental as you are now
the main breadwinner and your family is relying on you to work hard every
minute you are away from them. As hard as it may be to leave them at home,
don't let it be a waste of time, make sure that you are giving 100% when you
are away and please don't bring your work home with you if you can avoid it.
Whilst at work, focus on it 100%. Don't spend all day at work wishing you were
at home.

Be prepared to argue like crazy with your other half. Regardless of how strong
your bond is, you _will_ fall out. Her patience with the baby may be beyond
comprehension but do not expect that patience to extend to you. As stressful
as it may be for you, I can guarantee it will be worse for her, infinitely
worse if she's breastfeeding. Maintain perspective and learn to let everything
slide.

Final point: Routine. Routine, routine, routine, routine. Sleep will become a
rare and priceless commodity so it is crucial that you establish a bedtime
routine from the beginning. Find a routine and stick with it. Read to your kid
every single night. Even if it's just for a couple of minutes. It may seem
pointless in the beginning but stick with it. Babies bedtime is now my
favourite part of the day.

Good luck mate. It's an incredible journey.

~~~
barrydahlberg
_Routine. Routine, routine, routine, routine._

This. It took us 8 months to get it sorted but now our little boy just about
begs to be put to bed and he sleeps 10 hours a night without a sound.

~~~
mikecaron
My experience 1 year into Fatherhood agrees with this. We put baby on a cyclic
routine of Eat, Play, Sleep since about day 7. She was sleeping through the
night at 8wks. Check out "On Becoming Babywise", Gary Ezzo.

Like all the other papas here say, BE SENSITIVE TO YOUR WIFE. Be aware that as
your wife breast feeds (if she does) her hormones are still rocking to a
different beat every hour. Let complaints roll off your back. Sometimes things
won't make sense to you, but go with the flow. Afford her tons of generosity
and selflessness. Clean the house for her, offer to take the baby so she can
sleep, draw her a bath to soak in with candles and bubbles. Take her on a
romantic date if she's up for it so she feels like she's still got it even
though she may complain about her body often. Make her life easy and sweet and
yours will be good.

Also, for a bit of relief... listen to Garrison Keilor's Fatherhood tale:
[http://www.publicradio.org/tools/media_player/popup.php?name...](http://www.publicradio.org/tools/media_player/popup.php?name=phc/2010/08/07/phc_20100807_64&starttime=00:00:00.0&endtime=01:59:59.0)

Enjoy being daddy! It's absolutely wonderful. You will forget about working
overtime. You'll want to spend any and all free time with your little one.
Cheers!

~~~
jtheory
> Be aware that as your wife breast feeds (if she does) her hormones are still
> rocking to a different beat every hour.

Well, and never mind the hormones (though both parents will have a lot of
these going on) -- breastfeeding quite literally takes a lot out of you. She
will have more to do, but less energy than she's used to.

Just do everything you can, and then more, and look for the humor to put a
smile on your face (and hers) whenever you can. It gets easier as you go
along.

------
sethg
Congratulations!

The late Tracy “Baby Whisperer” Hogg pointed out that swaddling is a
neurological hack to help babies sleep. OK, she didn’t phrase it that way,
but... Until they reach about 4–5 months, babies don’t really have voluntary
control of their arms and legs. So imagine you’re kind of tired, lying in your
crib, drifting off, when OMG THIS ARM IS FLAPPING AROUND NEXT TO MY HEAD ISN’T
THAT COOL.

I didn’t read about this idea until I had my third child; when I noticing that
indeed, he could sleep even in a room where his brothers were playing _until
his arm came out of the swaddling blanket_ , I got one of those special
swaddling blankets with Velcro (I call them “baby straitjackets”), and that
aspect of baby care, at least, became significantly easier.

------
BRadmin
Thank you for not titling this "Hacks for Raising Kids."

------
timjahn
Such a relevant topic, as we're expecting our first child any day now!

I have a feeling having reduced hours free will cause me to really focus on
being productive in those hours and focusing on the work that truly matters.

~~~
grandalf
I just had one last week and it's been really interesting.

------
JunkDNA
There's lots of great advice here. I've got a 10-week old girl who I'm certain
is the cutest, most wonderful little thing in the world. I'm assuming you're
the dad (if you're the mom, I can't offer much).

Stuff to think about _right now_ :

-Sleep deprivation starts _early_. Your wife is going to be uncomfortable as anything the last several months. She may toss and turn a lot at night. Plan accordingly.

-If there is _anything_ you've been wanting to get done, do it _now_. I had been putting off copying my old Amiga hard drive to preserve my childhood computer for 10 years. I narrowly got that done before the baby arrived.

-Make some meals you can easily freeze so you don't have to cook if you don't want to. You'll need this in the first few days as well as much later when you and/or mom go back to work. Cooking is a royal pain with a really little baby.

Stuff to think about after the baby arrives:

-Plan on not getting any sleep and being entirely unproductive while awake (you _are_ taking several weeks off work right?) the first few months.

-Expect that while awake, you will have _zero_ time to yourself. Use the time you do have wisely, frittering it away on Facebook is probably a bad idea.

-Expect the first night home to be unreal. My wife is a pediatrician and I thought that would prepare us. Boy was I wrong. We were still two bumbling clueless parents. Best thing we learned that night is division of labor: one sleeps while the other is awake with the baby. Otherwise, you are both going to be completely exhausted instead of a manageable "really tired".

-A smartphone is a huge help with a little one. I read HN at night a lot when my daughter is drifting off to sleep in my arms but not fully asleep. I do it primarily to keep myself from falling asleep while holding her. It's easy to hold in one hand (vs. a laptop or iPad).

-Babies love white noise. They find it incredibly soothing. Get a white noise generator of some kind. We have a 99-cent iPhone app on our phones that we use daily. My daughter loves "air conditioner" mode. She often fights sleep and squirms around a lot. White noise and a pacifier put her into a deep, restful slumber.

-Babies get cranky for a variety of reasons you will never know. Your inner geek is going to want to find reasons for things and understand "the system". Resist this, it's futile 50% of the time. Instead, try random things: change the diaper, change position, walk around, sit them upright, lay them down, etc... It's good to have a bunch of stuff to run through. Sometimes, a screaming baby just needs his or her mom though, don't forget that.

-Babies like to be with you. Get a bouncer chair so you don't have to hold them all the time and they can watch you as you steal 5 minutes to post photos online. Get one with a vibration mode. They find it soothing and can nap for quite a while there.

-Plan on doing lots of laundry. Babies mess up their clothes and yours all the time. Make sure you have a basin or utility sink where you can soak clothing with detergent to get poop out of it before washing in the machine. We discovered Oxi Free (doesn't have any perfumes as opposed to regular Oxi) takes poop out really well and doesn't damage colors.

-Take tons of photos, they change a _lot_ very quickly.

-Efficiency is key. Look for places to reduce labor. Are you always carrying pacifiers around the house? Leave one in each room. Spending lots of time washing bottles? Get a dishwasher rack that holds them. No time to clean your house? Get a cleaning person to come in and give it a once-over. Just as with a startup, sometimes it's better to trade money for time.

-Mom needs you more than you realize. Help her out. The biggest thing you can do is to suck it up, tell her to get some sleep and take the baby for a while. Yeah, you're exhausted, but babies need moms who aren't basket-cases. You'll survive.

-Talk to your pediatrician about any concerns you have, no matter how silly. They hear the same things _a lot_. A good one will give you excellent advice, even about things that aren't strictly "medical".

Best of luck to you. It's a life-changing experience and one of the happiest
times in your entire life.

~~~
forinti
"Babies love white noise."

A friend found out that static from a radio will do the trick.

~~~
duck
A lot of parents believe in the "white noise" and it does seem to work for a
lot of babies, but (this is not scientific by any means) what I have noticed
with other kids we know closely is that if you start them with white noise
they will continue to need it as they grow older and without it they are not
as good of sleepers. So it seems to create a dependency. I know opinions like
this could be argued with a lot of baby topics (food, play, milk, etc.), but
the white noise is the only one that I have seen repeatedly hold up.

~~~
pcc
We were explicitly taught in pre-natal class that babies have to learn anew
how to go to sleep once they're out of the womb, it's not something that's
inborn.

For example, we were told it's hugely important to lay your baby down in their
cribs as they're drifting off to sleep, but still just slightly awake, so they
build the association between crib and going to sleep; if you only lay them
down _after_ they're asleep, this tends to have repercussions (e.g. because of
the lack of the association, you're not equipping your baby to be able to go
back to sleep if they randomly wake up).

As I recall, there is actually a fair bit of research behind this, but
admittedly it's been 6 yrs so I don't remember all the details.

White noise is helpful, but falls into the same type of category.

------
forkrulassail
Would be interesting seeing a StackExchange HackerSpawn Q&A site.

------
marcamillion
One of the things I found, is right before my wife had our first son, people
used to tell us that it is going to be soo worth it once you see the face of
the baby.

I won't lie...it was SOOO anti-climatic for me. I didn't feel all bubbly
inside when he was born, and I kinda felt bad because I thought that I might
be horrible for not feeling all 'father-y'. I am not sure if this is something
that happens to everybody, but it did to me.

The first three months were tough. Physically and mentally. Your wife is going
through some more serious body changes (i.e. healing from bringing another
human into the world), and the human you guys brought in is reliant on you for
- literally - everything.

It can be psychologically draining and physically taxing. You get little
sleep, no matter how much you try to sleep while the baby sleeps.

However, just remember that the first few months are the roughest....it
usually gets better from there on.

My son is now 2.5 years old and I can't believe where the time has gone.

I ask him to say 'hippopotamus' and he says 'ip-oh-pon-oh-mus'. Just for that
little moment alone, everything I have been through for the last 2.5 years,
all the medical bills, all the midnight rushing to the ER, all diaper changes,
everything is worth it.

Typically, once the baby starts responding to you, guys tend to prefer that
stage. It is SOOO worth it...so just hang in there, and like ezmobius said -
do what your wife wants (although you will be exhausted as hell you never went
through what she went through, so no bitching) and do it with a smile. She
will appreciate it. If she appreciates it, you will too :)

P.S. I have since deactivated my data plan on my bb, because when I was with
my son, I realized I wasn't really 'with him'. I was always checking my mail
or responding to bbm. It's good to be away from the computer when you are away
from the computer.

P.P.S Oh...my wife is about to give birth to our second (a girl this time), so
I was writing this as much for myself as it was for you. Just to remind myself
what I went through and preparing myself for what is ahead. Once the 3 - 6
months pass, you forget it. So it's important to try to take a walk down
memory lane.

------
balding_n_tired
One minor tip, not needed for a few months yet: make sure that the socket
inserts are difficult to remove.

A number of companies made plastic plugs one can insert into wall sockets to
keep babies from exploring them. Unfortunately, at least one company makes
them too small. We discovered this shortly after our child started crawling:
he crawled to the socket, removed the plug, put it in his mouth, and attempted
to re-insert it. We immediately replaced those plugs with ones that required
effort for an adult to remove and were beyond what a baby could manage.

------
rdrimmie
Be the parent you want to be. A lot of people are going to talk about what the
best way to raise a kid is, but you are going to know your kid better than all
of them, so do what is right for your family.

Dote on your wife. Give her a foot rub every night.

The burden of a child kind of weighs heavy at times - "holy crap I could
serious fuck this kid's head up!" - but remember that most people grow up to
be okay regardless of their parents. As long as you're a good and loving
person so will your child be.

If you're like me, jokes about kids are going to become seriously unfunny for
a few years. If you watch cop shows and dramas you'll notice a lot of kids
dying or being threatened and where you might not have had those heartstrings
to be tugged in the past, when they first get installed they are fiercely
powerful.

My favorite book about childhood development is [http://www.amazon.com/Whats-
Going-There-Brain-Develop/dp/055...](http://www.amazon.com/Whats-Going-There-
Brain-Develop/dp/0553378252/) "What's Going On In There" which was written by
a neurobiologist because she started thinking about what was happening when
she was pregnant. I consider it the Hacker's Guide to your Kid's Brain.

My oldest is 4 now, he's about to start junior kindergarten. Seeing him (and
my youngest who is 6 months) develop is fascinating and rewarding. Don't give
up on your goals and dreams but remember that there's always going to be work
waiting for you. Your kids are only kids for a while.

------
pdx
Regarding actual hacking...

When the baby is very small they sleep a lot. They sleep more when you're near
them. When you have only one baby, (so there's not an older brother causing
problems), you can get a lot of work done sitting next to the baby's crib.
Type type type, hand him a bottle if he wants, or change him if he wants, or
pacifier him if he wants, and then it's type type type again.

As they get older, the sleep becomes less and less, and you're so grateful
when it comes that you tip toe around the house, hoping not to wake them up.
From that point on, you will get less and less work done in the day time, as
they sleep less and less in the day time. At that point, I started going to
bed with him at 8:00PM or so, and waking at 2:00AM and then working away till
it was time to go to my day job. It was the only time I could get any peace
and quiet to focus.

One of our problems has been that our house is too open, so when the baby is
sleeping in the swing or the boppy, the whole house needs to shut down. They
spend 8 hours a night in their crib, which I assume you have in a bedroom, so
they hate the crib. For daytime naps, they often refuse the crib (at least
mine do), so you're stuck with them sleeping somewhere else that may not be as
private from the rest of the house as you would like. If you can arrange that
privacy, you'll be much happier.

------
backroomcoder
I have three girls under the age of six. I tend to work 8am=>4pm in the
office, three hours with the girls, bath and bedtime stories and then I'll
work between 8pm until midnight'ish, between Monday and Thursday.
Friday/Sat/Syn nights are for me and my wife to spend time together and
Sat/Sun days are for us all to spend time together. I sometimes need extra
time at weekends, particularly recently completing a dissertation.

Get you and your family into ROUTINE. It feels like groundhog day sometimes,
but when you go out of routine, it's not good. Achieving a routine means you
will be able to plan the work you need to do, and understand how much time you
have. If you don't have a routine, then you will suffer be warned!

If you need time to work extra which means your wife is taking care of the
kids more often than not, then respond in kind and give her time off, treat
her, look after her. I never blame my wife for my stresses, ever. You will
argue no doubt. Develop broad shoulders and take it on the chin, don't hold
grudges, be there to support your wife.

Enjoy this new part of your life !!

------
lee
I must re-iterate what others have said for emphasis:

1) Finish off your to-do list before the baby arrives. Setup the nursery; go
see that movie you've always wanted to see; travel to places you've been
meaning to visit; drink, party, and be merry; finish playing that video game;
crank out a ton of code on that side project of yours. You will NOT have time
to do any of that when the baby is here. Heck, it may be many years until you
can get to some of things on your to-do list (such as travel somewhere far and
exotic).

2) Prepare everything in advance, even if you think you won't need to. Your
sleep-deprived-future-self will thank you. Go out and buy a ton of baby
clothes in advance (newborn, 3 month, 6 months, 9-12 months). Buy a stock-pile
of diapers, formula, baby-food, wipes, etc... Buy enough to last you at least
half a year or more. Cook in advance so that you have "ready-to-eat" meals to
throw in the freezer; make enough to last you a few months.

You will not have time (or the will) to cook, go shopping, or paint the
nursery when the baby arrives.

It will get easier as they grow up :-)

------
eelco
With the first child on the way (very soon now), I have been 'practicing'
taking evenings and weekends off for a couple of months now. At first you
might think you won't have enough time but it already taught me the difference
between being busy and being productive. I also sleep better, giving myself
enough time to get to a calm state ;) I can highly recommend it (kids or no
kids)

------
geeksam
Really, ezmobius nailed it. I feel compelled to chime in on Baby Stuff,
though. (You don't need as much as you think you need, but a few things were
really great.)

I emailed a friend with some advice on items we found useful (and a few things
we didn't), but it's too long to just paste here, so I'll summarize...

My Brest Friend (put this one in your "OMG the baby's coming" bag!), a baby
carrier (we love our Beco, but find a carrier or sling that fits you while
letting the baby breathe), "Happiest Baby on the Block" DVD, specially-
designed swaddling blankets, and (optionally) a "yoga" ball for bouncing
babies to sleep. Big stroller may not be necessary (we mostly wore our
daughter, and that big stroller will eat the entire car trunk), but strollers
with pneumatic tires are _really_ nice to push.

Later, Kiddopotamus makes fantastic rubber bibs and placemats. (Seriously,
their placemat is genius.) We found that the $25 Fisher-price "Healthy Care
Deluxe" booster seat beats the pants off of much fancier highchairs.

Ping me at geeksam at gmail if you'd like the long version. (=

------
mdh
Stuff i've learned from having (two) kids:

i) _Take photos_. Its amazing how much your child will change and how things
that are front and centre in their/your life will fade when day-day life
demands attention. Take as many pictures as you can so that you can look back
in a couple of years' time and remember those things (and get a good backup
plan in place NOW).

ii) _All children develop at their own pace_. Children pick up skills only on
a very rough timescale: our eldest could do jigsaws when he was a year old but
couldn't jump till he was nearly two. Our friend's daughter could draw
recognisable pictures staggeringly early but didn't know where to start with a
jigsaw puzzle. Now they're 3.5 and both of them can do all of those things
perfectly well. Praise them for trying things not just for being good at them.

iii) _try not to assume the worst_. Its easy - especially with your first
child - to get sucked into thinking that your child must have some uniquely
awful illness or impediment to a normal life because they 'still' aren't
sleeping/they have a cold that hasn't cleared up/they haven't fed well that
day etc etc. Whilst these things can happen, and you should obviously watch
out for signs of serious problems, chances are nothing sinister is behind it.
Accept that this is a phase and that in a few days or weeks it will have
passed and you'll get through the rough times much easier.

iv) _share the sleepless nights_ the lack of sleep is tough. Try and agree a
rota with your partner as to who will be 'point-man/woman' each night and let
the other sleep (ideally in a spare room). The key word is agree - do your
'night-shifts' dilligently and don't be tempted to start comparing the
difficulty of the shifts you've already done (i.e., a night where the child
slept through doesn't mean your partner is on-shift the following night).
These things will balance out.

------
cheald
Make time for your kids. It's really easy, as a hacker/startup founder/equity
holder to say "Well, X is really important, I need to do that first." You'll
always have more X. Take time, play with your kids, love on them, take them to
the park, draw with them.

I have a son who is almost 2, and two of his favorite things to do with me are
to read books (he'll bring me a book, crawl up in my lap, and snuggle up. When
we finish the book he runs off to get another one and repeats the whole
process) and play with his hotwheels cars on my desk. It means the world to
him when I clear off my notes and keyboard and mouse and just spend a half
hour racing cars back and forth over it. That half hour I might have spent
reading HN, or testing some new feature, or whatnot, sure, but I'm starting to
learn that the things that seem small and unimportant to me are the highlight
of his week. Don't get so caught up in providing for your family that you
forget to be a father - it's enormously easy to do so.

------
donohoe
There is some awesome advice already here so I've little to add, other than:

\- Don't expect a normal routine for the first 4 months. Don't expect anything
normal for a few years after either.

\- Sleep when the baby sleeps! (yeah, been said many many time already, but
worth once more)

\- Once the baby gets into a routine of regular sleep you can figure out times
that work for you. So work at night while the baby sleeps but be sure to have
a solid plan to be able to get sleep later...

\- Through all this don't forget your wife/partner. Post-partum depression,
stress of parenthood, sleep deprivation. You need to make sure you're there
for each-other first and foremost. If you can't take care of yourselves, its
harder to take care of a baby.

\- Take time to enjoy parenthood. My oldest daughter is 2 and a bit now and
its like she was just born yesterday and its gone so fast (then again it seems
like she's been here forever - go figure)

Congrats!

------
wensing
If you're the type that needs your sleep, YMMV, but I am now the father of
four and still a co-founder, so here goes ...

NOTE: This is scattershot advice mixed with personal reflection. Salt
liberally, expect typos.

I started working on Stormpulse in 2004 as a hobby project a few months after
we had our first child. She slept horribly for the first two years of her life
--very difficult to get to sleep and woke up a lot. The 'cry it out' method
DID NOT WORK for us (some people insist that it works for all, but it doesn't.
If it doesn't for you, know you're not alone). Get this DVD and watch it:
[http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8...](http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&q=happiest+baby+on+the+block+dvd)
(It could easily be titled "Hacks for getting a newborn to calm down and go to
sleep." Worth every penny/second you'll spend and really easy stuff.
Seriously, this is very important: watch this DVD--I just got out of bed to
include this link because I would feel bad if you didn't know these amazingly
powerful tricks that could spare your sanity many times over.)

I worked a full-time job and kept hacking on SP on nights/weekends through
2006. 2006 went full-time on the startup and it was fantastic because I got to
spend a lot more time with our first than ever before. Times at the park on
Tuesday mornings when everyone else is in their cube are really wonderful
bonding times. You can give your wife a break by taking the kid on an errand.
Love is a trip to the grocery store with the baby to give your wife a
30-minute break.

Our second was born in early 2008. I was back at a cube-job (though a great
one) so I saw him less in the first year of his life than I might have liked,
but by 2009 I was full-time on Stormpulse again (and have stayed that way). I
won't lie, it's incredibly difficult. The hardest part is REALLY BEING THERE
for your family even when your brain is screaming for you to work on the
startup. Don't panic. Be there. Make lots of eye contact and actively listen.
Your baby will quickly become a toddler that knows the difference between a
mindless/reflexive "uh-huh" and real participation. It's better to stop for 30
seconds, get down and give them a hug than to spend 10 minutes saying 'one
second, hold on' as they tug at your leg. Often they just need that 30 second
re-connect.

Despite what I've just said about spending day-time hours with the family:
work away from home if you can. The separation can be a very necessary thing.
I was able to do this in an office very close to home until 2010. This year we
had twins. They're 7 weeks old now. I am working at home and for the first
time ever, it's working. Quitting HackerNews and Twitter can be life-saving
steps. No time for that stuff (I've been up since 3:30am and am talking with
my co-founder on AIM--I'm about to go back to sleep until 7:30am or so, I
hope).

Let your startup fail before you let your family fail. Stormpulse hasn't
failed yet, but I've had to 'give up on it' a couple times before I've been
able to have a solid enough financial footing to launch into it again. Now
we're at a stage where I don't expect to go back to other work and it's the
absolute best setup for our whole family (we see how it contributes to Daddy's
involvement at home, rather than how it takes away). I was fortunate to at
least start while our first was very small, so that my wife went through that
early time where all I did was work or moonlighting and the kids know a
gentler reality of "Daddy works but he's also around a lot".

One final thought--when things get tough (time pressures, children aren't
behaving, whatever), never blame your wife for anything, ever--even when it
appears supremely obvious that she's at fault. Instead, take responsibility
and figure out what you could have done differently and what you can do
differently going forward. That has gotten me a through a lot of difficult
times with family + startup. Giving and sacrifice are the new norm, but once
you're there you won't have it any other way.

~~~
jasonlotito
I just want to take a moment to second the book Happiest Baby on the Block (I
got the book, apparently there is a DVD). It truly is a "baby hacks" book. I
read it cover to cover months before my first baby was born, and while I don't
remember all of it, I retained enough that I am the goto person for baby burps
and swaddling my children. My first born (now 20-months) slept well, was easy
going, and is a well-behaved child. My second son (1.5 weeks old) is going the
same route as his older brother. Well-behaved, good eater, good sleeper. Takes
to swaddling a bit more than his older brother, but is also more active
without it.

With 2 children, and with 1.5 weeks left on paternity, I've been hacking away
at DuctMail in short spurts. Full time job waiting for me to return, and Mommy
is on her 1-year maternity leave (I love Quebec).

I'd add more, but frankly, this post (the parent) is dead-on-balls accurate.
Sadly, I have but one vote to give.

~~~
pcc
Another vote for Happiest Baby on the Block (Harvey Karp), probably can't rate
it highly enough! The "jiggle" trick worked like absolute magic.

BTW the late Tracy Hogg (Baby Whisperer) is also highly recommended; she was
also a big proponent of swaddling.

------
Pistos2
My regrets in life are extremely few, but one of them is this: If I could go
back in time and do things differently, one thing I would change would be my
attitude about debt when I was young[er]. My kids are growing up, but the
months are floating by, and my time at home is eaten up with contract work I'm
doing on top of my day job. I look forward to the day that our financial
footing is firm enough for me to go back to just one source of income. To me,
being a father is the fullness of manhood, and it kills me that I am not
always there for my family. So, my advice is this: Don't let yourself get
significantly into debt. From my vantage point, it is completely not worth it.

------
efalcao
I've got twin babies of 15 months, a full time job and bootstrapping a
business. There is only one rule for me: keep your priorities straight. Here
are my priorities

#1: Family / Relationship #2: Work #3: Business #4: Personal Time / Relaxation
#5: Side Work / Consulting

------
arjenbos
In my experience the first 9 months are hard, there will be a limited time for
hacking. Just accept this and spent time on your kid and spouse. Any work you
will get done is a bonus.

After 9 months your kid will get into a rhythm, sleep at night from 7 till 7
and take 2 two hour naps during the day. This will give you more time to start
hacking again. After another 9 months your kids rhythm will change again.
Still sleeping from 7 till 7 at night, but only one longer 3 hour nap during
the day.

Off course every kid is different, but my kid, and the kids of my friends
generally follow this sleeping pattern.

~~~
pbhjpbhj
>After 9 months your kid will get into a rhythm, sleep at night from 7 till 7
and take 2 two hour naps during the day. This will give you more time to start
hacking again. After another 9 months your kids rhythm will change again.
Still sleeping from 7 till 7 at night, but only one longer 3 hour nap during
the day.

Ha ha ha. Neither of our boys has ever slept for 12 hours AFAIR. I'll agree
with the distinct changes in sleeping patterns though - usually within a week
for us and it's all changed around, it seems to indicate a big change like
teeth coming or growth spurt, etc. or follow one like walking or taking more
regular food.

------
jasonlotito
Life is short, but it's not that short. If you spend the next few years
enjoying family live, having a job, and just taking it easy, don't worry. Let
your ideas fester, play with them. Your children age, they won't stop to wait
for you. You'll hate yourself if you miss out on milestones. You'll still be
able to hack, but enjoy their smiles. And hold them. Dear god, hold them,
because too quickly you won't be able to.

Father of two sons, a 20-month old and a 1-week old.

------
nickzoic
Congratulations to thegyppo and all the other new parents in here. Father of a
4yo daughter myself, and another on the way ...

Everything changes, best to accept it and just try to roll with it. Every kid
is different, even if you have twins, every parent is different, even your and
your partner. What works one night for might not work the next, or vice versa!

Expect your hours to change, unless you've got an extended family to help out
with the bub.

------
eatsleepdev
My daughter is 4.5 months old now... I don't sleep much.

~~~
wazoox
The hard part is getting her to sleep at night. That implies tough stuff, like
not letting her fall asleep to eat some more at night, and letting her cry in
her crib, in her room, later. Life is hard :)

~~~
jtheory
Ah, just let her sleep in the bed with you. Babies aren't really designed to
be "put to bed" separate from their parents, evolutionarily, so it's
guaranteed to be tough going for most of them.

Leaving them to cry it out is not a great idea, because it undermines their
sense of security and may make them more clingy later.

~~~
jules
Isn't that dangerous? I heard that you should never ever do this while
sleeping because of danger of suffocation.

------
trix
What advice can parents give for parents with multiple kids? I have a
beautiful 3.5 yo,2,and newborn. Love them all. They are amazing. I thought I
was busy and sleep deprived with one child...three is a different story! :)

I find it difficult to work 60 hours per week, take my kids to sports and then
muster energy when they sleep to work on startup

Advice?

~~~
Tichy
I find it difficult (as in impossible) to work 60 hours a week without
children.

------
aidenn0
Well a lot depends on the other adult(s) that will be helping to raise the
child. I do have one piece of advice though:

No matter how much time you think kids will take, it will take longer, even if
you take this advice into account.

Remember that guy in college who started playing EQ and (nearly) flunked out?
It's more time-consuming than that.

------
dfdashh
I wrote a blog post about how I kept my sanity with my now 4 month old girl:
<http://www.antzucaro.com/2010/06/keeping-your-sanity/>.

I hope it helps.

------
pcestrada
If you have any exotic places you'd like to visit, do it now! Much harder
logistically to manage later when you have kids.

------
cisba
Reduce sleep time and work in the nigth: is the uniq solution i found. Enjoy
your kid! ;-)

------
goodgoblin
Go to the movies now, because you won't be going again for a while.

------
drlisp
be like me, have your wife do all the work =)

------
funkymatt
get all the sleep you can now.

------
gubatron
Me, I've been looking for a Provigil prescription.

My daughter though is my biggest treasure, nothing in life will ever make me
as happy, fullfilled and scared of loosing than her.

I've been a dad now for 3 months (currently working long hours and waiting for
baby to wake up for her 3am feeding)

I've learned to value sleep, I think of weekend afternoons as brain-rebuilding
sessions, I sleep as much as I can saturdays and sundays.

Now, I try to do email, hacker news and all the dilly dallying after I'm home
and everyone is asleep, during the day I try to be as productive as possible,
since I feel I should head home as early as I can to be with my daughter and
help my wife.

Congratulations and welcome to the club (it's indeed a club, you'll notice
other parents nodding back at you when you have your baby with you, also
you'll notice how babies are to women as hot girls are to guys, they can't
help but turn around and look at you and your baby)

~~~
petercooper
I'm convinced modafinil and the like would help a lot in sleep crisis moments
in the early stages, though a problem is that you need to catch up on the
sleep /eventually/ so it could never be a regular, routine solution. Another
problem is that such drugs take time to kick in and you might not know when
such a crisis moment would be in advance.. You tend to break fast under baby
and sleep related stress. For the birth and first night, though, it'd really
help the father stay up and take some of the stress off the mother.

~~~
pbhjpbhj
Interestingly the Wikipedia page doesn't say what it actually does - you'd
think it would be headline info, what's the intended result of the medication.

Seems modafinil replaces amphetamines for keeping you really awake when your
body wants to sleep. I don't think that the first response to your body saying
it needs sleep should be to reach for some mood altering drugs to make it
pretend to itself that it doesn't really need sleep.

Grandparents. If you've got 'em close enough (ours aren't) then they, or other
friends/family that will do a couple of hours with the kids, are what you need
IMO.

~~~
petercooper
_I don't think that the first response to your body saying it needs sleep
should be to reach for some mood altering drugs to make it pretend to itself
that it doesn't really need sleep._

Sure, it shouldn't be the first response - I mentioned "crisis" and high
intensity situations. Modafinil has a longer term but similar effect to
caffeine, but without most of the negative side effects. Like you shouldn't be
fueling your short nights with caffeine (though many parents do), you
shouldn't be popping modafinil every night either. Temporarily? Both
techniques could provide a respite from soul crushing fatigue.

------
dnsworks
Oh and hope you get lucky like I did with a daughter who slept through the
night from day one. It helped to have a large # of people around the first
week or two constantly playing with her (as people do around new babies),
keeping her generally awake during the day and exhausting her at night.

Also, don't buy any books. They're all a waste of money, and you probably have
enough common sense and natural instinct for the first 18 years.

~~~
jtheory
Oh, boy. No, don't rely on common sense, particularly because you won't have
much at the beginning (lack of sleep can make you impressively stupid).

You don't have to buy lots of books if you know a lot of smart parents who can
bring you up to speed (and who live nearby or with you), but there's a lot of
info to learn if you don't have solid kid experience yourself already.

~~~
dnsworks
I disagree, especially considering the audience here. Most of us are trained
at functioning for long periods of time without sleep, especially those of us
in operations. I did all of the middle of the night diaper changing the first
month, I got to the point where I could have her changed in 2 minutes without
opening my eyes. It was like being on-call but far more pleasant, somehow. In
the midst of all this we also moved our Datacenter 900 miles north to Seattle,
as well as our employees, and ourselves. I'm saying all of this because it
isn't as frightening as you think. The exhaustion isn't so bad because it is
born in "purpose".

Ugh, even worse, don't ask the smart parents to bring you up to speed, at
least not the ones who are going to start cramming some ridiculous child-
rearing philosophy down your throat. I will not reproduce again, because I
never want to hear the terms "La Leche League", "Co-Sleeping", or "Attachment
Parenting" ever again.

------
dnsworks
Hire a housecleaner, don't even think about splurging on this. You want to
spend the next few months with your family, not focusing on menial tasks. The
$150/month I paid to have a team come and clean my house every Wednesday
during the first year was by far the best service I'd ever paid for.

Nannies are also awesome.

------
TotlolRon
It is not a kid, it is relationship bomb. Focus on the relationship.

(I heard it in some random YouTube video once, which just goes to show that
good advice can be found in strange places)

~~~
lrm242
As a parent of two (3yrs and 10mo) there is serious truth to this. I can only
assume that the down votes are because of the flippant way it was phrased, but
let me offer this to the new and prospective pappas out there: you will be
tired, busy, and frustrated. If you don't step back and take care of momma you
can quickly find your relationship spiraling out of control because you no
longer prioritize yourself or your wife.

A few thoughts:

(a) Schedule is key. Put the little buggers on a schedule and keep to it.

(b) The parent's bed is sacred, no child shall pass. We were very strict with
this rule. Our kids have _never_ been in our bed to sleep.

(c) Free time is key, one of the best things we did was get a nanny/house
keeper on Saturday. That way we can leave the kids at home and go have a nice
lunch together and maybe see a movie without the hassle of babysitters and
late nights.

(d) Start waking up early, way early. Nearly 4 years into fatherhood I am
_still_ searching for the ways to attain my lost productivity. One of the
biggest has been to simply wake up earlier. Kids bring about a new world
order. Accept and move on and embrace the 4:30 wakeup.

~~~
pbhjpbhj
>That way we can leave the kids at home and go have a nice lunch together and
maybe see a movie without the hassle of babysitters and late nights.

Don't have kids, no "hassle"!

As for (d) kids are your productivity, they're are what you've produced, they
will be your lifes work. Don't sideline them, don't let nannies have all the
fun.

~~~
lrm242
Sideline them? Actually I think its theraputic for the kids to allow other
people to take care of them. It helps them adjust to the world and understand
that mommy and daddy DON'T have to be there for them to thrive.

~~~
pbhjpbhj
Indeed, balance: "don't let nannies have _all_ the fun" emphasis added.

I let a 7yo I'd never met take my 16mo old off to the playpark today .. I did
watch from less than 50m away though, perhaps I'm holding the reins too tight?

~~~
lrm242
So what _exactly_ is your point? You don't seem to have one as far as I can
tell.

