
Ask HN: Do you intentionally practice kindness? If yes, how? - justaguyhere
Got screwed over for thousands of dollars by a recruiter. Did work (haven&#x27;t gotten paid for anything yet) for a client only to be insinuated that I broke something (I didn&#x27;t, the code base was a major mess before I touched it and I was careful not to change anything related to workflow).<p>I&#x27;ve been really polite, especially in my client&#x27;s case, as they got screwed by previous dev and they are under pressure from their investors to show results (I do like them, they are nice people). But it really stung when they insinuated that I broke stuff.<p>How do I keep calm and still be polite and kind? I&#x27;ve already decided to quit this client, but don&#x27;t want to do it when they are just going live. It will only make their situation worse. But I also don&#x27;t want to be accused of stuff I didn&#x27;t do. Also trying to figure out how to quit politely, kindly without them creating a scene.<p>What would you do in this case?
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ddingus
Demonstrating kindness, in scenarios like this, boils down to having options.
And having options, boils down to you personally making sure you have options.
The answers to these questions will depend on how kind you're going to be.

Looks to me like some people spent some money. Some other people's money
demands results. The current state of things is a real mess, and there's
pressure to start going live and getting returns and doing all that other good
stuff.

It also appears extremely likely that none of that's going to happen as it
needs to.

Someone is going to own these problems. You could inadvertently end up owning
these problems. There's not going to be a way to be kind about that. So take a
step back assess this, and be a hundred percent real with everyone, and maybe
do it simultaneously so they all know, and manipulation is reduced to a low
Factor.

Good luck.

------
ddingus
And they're going live? You've done work? Haven't been paid? Don't have an
actual job position? Contract?

Looks to me like you're being manipulated, or taken advantage of, or they're
just really naive. Something like that.

The other question I have is, can you take them live and have it work?

And can you keep it working?

Once you have the answer to those things, very politely tell them what you
will do, what you require them, and then don't do another thing until that's
agreed to and happens.

They've got a lot of problems, and if you ask me they're looking for a person
to blame about those problems. Looks like it's you.

Did you keep a log of your activities?

I suggest you get that polished up and ready to use.

~~~
justaguyhere
Other than emails, no logs. The original request was to help them a few hours
a week, but now it snowballed into full on bug fixing.

I suggested they block the non working parts and go live with the working
ones, remove fluff. They reluctantly agreed.

No contract, not paid.

I'm not worried about money. I'm more interested in getting out on good terms
and moving on.

~~~
ddingus
Tell them that.

Tell them you will be kind, forget money, and are done unless:

And right now, decide what that is.

For everyones mutual benefit, going forward, things need to work this way:

Decide what that is.

Communicate all that, and then let them make choices. You will make sure you
have options, and that they also have them.

Best you can do. You did not build that problem.

Make all those rhings ultra clear. Hear all their emotions, concerns, etc...
feed them right back with your own and point to those options.

When they own it, you can move away easily and on reasonable terms.

Or, you won't care because they are not veing good humans about all this.

Or, they agree to make your ownership worth it, and then you can take care of
them properly.

I put all the cases here for clarity and to be complete.

If you are going to quit them, omit what does not apply, leave them with a
recommended process for their next engagement, and step away.

It may not be possible to do it and have everyone feel good. So make double
sure your communication is documented snd very defensible.

Good as it gets.

I have been there.

Oh, one thing I did for a very difficult client was bring a peer in for review
and consult.

We did it together client and I. They were enlightened. So was I.

Learned to manage expectations much better. I paid for that, and did it to
reset a gig gone bad.

Got someone you trust to deliver competent, brutal truth?

Fresh eyes can be worth gold.

Honestly, after thinking about it. The root cause on this is likely the help
out a few hours a week expectation combined with a full-time reality. There
was probably no winning this. They need to know that. Or they're just going to
continue to suffer.

~~~
justaguyhere
This is very helpful. Thank you for taking the time to respond!

~~~
ddingus
Hope it helps. Talking through stuff like this is high value.

Your turn one day.

One of us will hear the bell ring at the school of hard knocks.

------
ddingus
Did you leave it unbroken, as in a copy, or only make your changes on a
secondary version of the code base?

Put simply can you put it back? Do exactly how it was before?

And you can you do that in a documented, like can't miss legal type of way?

