
Newborn sleep patterns: A survival guide for the science-minded parent - gnocchi
http://www.parentingscience.com/newborn-sleep.html
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samlittlewood
For friends and family of newborns:

Hold the advice unless it is asked for (and don't be offended if it is then
ignored)

Looking after the baby may not be what the new parents would prefer you to do.
Offer to do chores - laundry, shopping, bins, cleaning etc. Don't be offended
if they also take the opportunity to sleep.

If you are giving presents - include something that is purely for the mum that
is not related to motherhood - great book, fave. magazines, skin care makeup
etc. as appropriate.

------
ksdale
We co-slept with each of our 3 kids when they were newborns (which is not
recommended by American doctors but is very common throughout the world) and
from talking with friends and family I think we got quite a bit more sleep
than the average parent of a newborn, and a couple of our kids have not been
particularly good sleepers.

I would also add that I agree 100% with the comments about most advice not
being particularly useful and also that sleep/nighttime strategy is dictated a
lot by work schedule, breastfeeding/bottle feeding, and whether you co-sleep
in addition to the differences in each baby.

~~~
rsync
"We co-slept with each of our 3 kids when they were newborns (which is not
recommended by American doctors but is very common throughout the world)"

Remember: all of the statistics and scare stories about co-sleeping are
related to alcohol or obesity.

If you are neither drunk nor obese[1], you shouldn't think twice about co-
sleeping.

[1] Granted, this does rule out a significant portion of the US population ...

~~~
brianwawok
I am almost certain that a both non-drunk and non-obese person has somewhere
in the history of the world smashed their baby and slept through it.

On the other hand, if you live your life out of 1 in a million fears, your
life is not very awesome.

------
hawski
My wife is pregnant with our first. I am receiving advice constantly, but will
have to wait to see what will be effective. The most interesting advice for me
is the Baby-led potty training [1]. If it will work it should probably make
nights easier, because change of diapers would go away earlier.

[1] [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baby-
led_potty_training](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baby-led_potty_training)

~~~
rsync
Here are two unrelated (and unsolicited!) pieces of advice that I think are
worthwhile:

First, parents should give serious consideration to sleeping in shifts or
sleeping in different rooms. Don't sacrifice your health and sanity on the
altar of "healthy couples always sleep together every single night no matter
what".

Second, take note of the fact that kids do not generally throw fits about
being put in their carseat. That's because they quickly realize that no matter
what they do, no matter what happens, no matter what the situation - they
_always_ have to go in the carseat. That's interesting because it demonstrates
that you _absolutely can successfully introduce any arbitrary behavior in your
child_ ... provided that you enforce 100% compliance. 99% compliance ? Expect
WW3. Expect pain. But 100% compliance - you can make that work.

~~~
xenadu02
This is by far the #1 thing. Humans are adaptable. If you (and partner) stay
100% committed to something kids will accept it as reality and move on. Waver
for a moment and they see an opening. Just last night there was a stream of
whining and fussing over dinner. After 5-10 minutes of us calmly saying no,
sit down at the table, no you can't have something else, no you can't get up
and go play they both just gave up and ate dinner with no complaints.

At times it can be a delicate balance between enforcing the rules that are
truly important, being sensitive to their needs/capabilities, and letting go
of things that don't really matter.

#2 thing is offer perceived choice, or give them a "win". Don't ask if they
want to get dressed, offer them a choice between two outfits. Being stubborn
about dinner: Do you want a fork instead of a spoon? Put it in a bowl? Some
ketchup? Soooooo many times just giving them something to feel in-control
about works wonders.

~~~
rsync
Yes - it really teaches you to choose your battles. We have to constantly
examine what we're about to say because once we say it, it's law - we have to
take it all the way to the (sometimes absurd) conclusion. Sometimes it's
better to say nothing at all.

Great advice about "false" choices - those are great. We always give choices
like "do you want to get ready for bed now, or in five minutes ?" You can
avoid lots of angst with those.

~~~
fudgy73
How do you guys deal with grandparents / family members / other 'grown-ups'
that don't know and or don't follow your 'laws?'

~~~
hprotagonist
That's a different game.

"Grandma lets me do X" is not necessarily the same as "I can now do X all the
time", as they will find out the next time they try X at home ...

------
fbnlsr
As a new parent myself (my son is two months old), what strikes me is how
pretty much everyone has their opinion on how we should feed or make our baby
sleep. Some say we should help him sleep in our arms, others say we shouldn't
touch him when he's in his bed...

Lately we've decided to put him in his bed and come reassure him if he wakes
up, but each time we have to go comfort him we wait longer than the previous
time. So we do 5 minutes, 10 min, 20 min, and so on... Usually he sleeps after
the 20 minutes mark.

~~~
DanBC
For what it's worth: sleep is a learned habit. So if the infant learns to
sleep in your arms it's harder for him/her to learn to sleep by themselves in
a cot or bed.

But, obviously, what works for you is what's important.

~~~
sparrish
As a father of 7, I agree. You have to train your children how and when to
sleep or someone is going to be up once or twice every night for years to
come.

~~~
dharmon
When do you think this starts to matter? I mean, I assume you didn't start
"training" newborns by leaving them alone all night, right?

~~~
sparrish
Training starts right away but it takes a while to reach the point they're
sleeping through the night as defined as '8 hours of uninterrupted sleep three
nights in a row'. A wake-sleep-eat cycle will help your infant get there by 12
weeks. This book will save the sanity of new parents - recommended. "On
Becoming Baby Wise: Giving Your Infant the Gift of Nighttime Sleep"

------
hprotagonist
"Hey, remember undergrad? Yeah, it's that, but no thanksgiving break and
there's always a problem set due in 3 hours. Have fun!"

~~~
pavel_lishin
I don't know how y'all's undergrad experience was, but the worst, hardest day
of college is at least ten times easier than an average day of having a baby.

~~~
kchoudhu
I'm taking a year out to stay at home with my new kid. I'm terrified -- my
wife did most of the heavy lifting during the day while I worked last time
'round. She didn't have too many complimentary things to say about the
experience.

~~~
rooster8
The terrified feeling... yes. We have three under two (twins and a singleton),
and I felt that way both times. Especially right before the birth. Both times
I was relieved to realize that things became more predictable and manageable
than the worst-case scenario I had in my head. Every situation is different,
but I sincerely hope yours is similarly manageable.

If you struggle, keep your mind open to looking for and experimenting with
small tweaks. I've discovered that details such as how tightly a nipple is on
a bottle (keep it somewhat loose so air can exchange), or looking for signals
like thrashing legs (gas? need to poop?) can make a huge difference. Treat it
like debugging code, if that's a domain you are comfortable in.

And may you feel no shame in reaching out for help. I've never understood
humility in the way I do now, and I'm grateful that I do.

I wish you the best!

~~~
kchoudhu
The one thing we learned with the first one is that it takes a tribe to deal
with a newborn: I simply don't understand America's desire to go it alone with
newborns. I've got a list of grandparents, siblings and other assorted people
coming through and staying with us for the first six months after her arrival.

After that, we're seriously considering splurging on a nanny... I like to
think of it as an investment in my sanity.

~~~
n_coats
My first child is three weeks old and I have a very similar support group in
place. Yet even with all the help, I too, am strongly considering a nanny - I
feel the thought alone is an indication that I've already lost my sanity haha

~~~
marktangotango
We did not have support or family close by, I deeply regretted this, doing it
all our selves has been really hard, and our kids don't know their
grandparents, aunts uncles cousins. It's sad really.

~~~
s_kilk
Yeah,

Our first is due in April, and this thought bums me out a bit. But we live in
different countries, and moving home just isn't an option, so, shrug.

~~~
kchoudhu
I hear you man. We're in Qatar, and one set of grandparents is in LA, and the
other is in Bangladesh.

I am fortunate in that I can take time off to meet our grandparent
obligations, but damn it would be easier (and CHEAPER) if everyone was in one
place!

------
justintocci
Nine children here. We were lucky and figured out our kids pretty early. If
they act up at night it generally means they're over tired from not sleeping
during the day. Worked with every kid for us. One bad night and the next day
we doubled down on protecting the daytime nap. Solved it every time.

------
geff82
We got so much advice on how we should handle the sleep of our baby daughter
and we didn't follow any. The first weeks, she was sleeping close to 20 hours
a day, which gradually became less. But she showed no real day-night pattern.
Also when she was a few months old, we didn't put her to sleep at a fixed
time, as it was advised, as we still had a socially active life and just took
her everywhere we went. When she got about 9 months old, she suddenly began to
want to sleep at 8:30pm and woke up at 7. We didn't pressure her, she just
showed us that this is how she likes it and she still wants to sleep now that
she is 13months old. So our opinion is: you can try many things, maybe you
change something. But in the end, the kid regulates itself if you let it.

------
samlittlewood
Best advice we had was 'keep a diary/log' \- started seeing the larger
patterns that our fried brains were missing day to day.

