
Researchers Confront an Epidemic of Loneliness - bootload
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/09/06/health/lonliness-aging-health-effects.html
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fallingfrog
I have a feeling that this is all related to the entry of women into the
workplace. Don't get me wrong; patriarchy is oppression and it has to go- but
I think there were a lot of jobs being done by women which are now being done
by nobody, and among those are the jobs of maintaining social cohesion and
networking and so forth, which are a lot easier to do if you and your friends
are somewhere other than at work at the same time. But if you and your
neighbors are not consistently at home and have free time at the same time,
how would you get to know them? Also, if the jobs of doing housework and
cooking now has to be done after work hours, when is there time to join a
bowling league? We are all in debt up to the eyeballs and working too much -
the loss of social cohesion is hardly surprising. I mean, patriarchy is a
system that has been in place for literally thousands of years, until this
generation. And we have nothing to replace it with. What really should be
happening is that a) in households with two working people, the total combined
hours worked by both should not exceed 40 hours and b) there should be some
consistency to when those hours are, so that you and your friends can be home
at the same time. If that doesn't happen, then we are going to start looking
like Japan - sky high suicide rate, plunging birth rate.. Again, I'm not
arguing that sexism or patriarchy was ever a good thing, I'm just saying that
our current system of labor might not be sustainable now that it's going away.

~~~
fragola
Except for the fact that Japan actually has a very low rate of workplace
participation for women, I agree with your comment.

Feminists actually talk about this a lot, using the term "emotional labor"[0]

It is a bit like how the decline of religiosity in the US has led to a decline
in social participation. It's clear to me, at least, that whatever your
opinion on these institutions (religion, patriarchy) there needs to be a
movement to fix the void in civil society created by their decline.

I think about when I visited the Middle East and how I would often see men on
"friend dates", i.e. having a coffee together or relaxing in the park. They
would often be sitting close, even holding hands. It made me think about the
strange distance men in the US have from each other and how lonely it is.

[0][https://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/nov/08/women-
gender-r...](https://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/nov/08/women-gender-roles-
sexism-emotional-labor-feminism)

~~~
aoiao
Maybe it's just better to go on a date with someone you can see.

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ap22213
I'm pretty lonely. After years of moving around and making lots of 'disposable
friends' \- mostly work friends, I eventually settled in the burbs. The
conversations out here are limited to the most superficial things: kids,
weather, new restaurants, landscaping companies, etc. But, since most of us
came from different places, took very different paths, there's huge cultural
differences to overcome. And, there's almost no overlap in interests - so
nothing to gather around.

Also, being a male seems to make it much more difficult - many of us are
raised to be self-reliant, independent, reserved and undaunted. It's a sign of
weakness for us to admit to loneliness. Plus, many are by biology competitive
and view the other males as potential threats. Lots of the guys I meet are
wearing masks, holding their cards close, sizing each other up, and trying to
one-up the others. When I go to the coffee shops and see all the men sitting
alone, it's depressing.

~~~
CuriouslyC
I live a life apart and I've extremely happy. Find something besides social
interactions to give your life meaning. Find small ways to be kind and
compassionate in the rare interactions you do have. Do things that put you
near other people, even if you don't necessarily interact.

Don't think that your life is wanting because you don't socialize. If you
strip away the veneers of culture, socialization is just a way to find
identity, meaning and pass time. You can do all that on your own terms, and
some of the wisest people in history have purposefully separated themselves to
do just that.

~~~
AstralStorm
For most, loneliness is not a choice, so whatever you just said is meaningless
and will not work. It is not identity they are looking for, but actual
socialisation. Most people are hardwired that way.

Being separated sometimes gives perspective, but... How many of those men were
actually happy? If it's almost a cliché.

~~~
CuriouslyC
Loneliness is a consequence of your beliefs. If you believe that your beliefs
cannot be changed, then you certainly won't be able to change. Why you would
want to stay unhappy is beyond me, though.

I can tell you from my personal experience, I was lonely in the past, I'm not
lonely anymore, and if anything I've become more isolated over time. My total
interaction time with other people is on the order of about 2 hours a week.
I'm crazy happy, I literally love my life and am excited for every new day.
The difference is in my beliefs.

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atombath
1) I grew up a solitary person in what felt like the middle of nowhere and
have always been force-fed that 'humans are social creatures' adage when
people can't understand when I say I am not lonely. With the internet and
improvements to independent-agency, I think we're beginning to see how anti-
social humans really are. Existing alone, I do feel bored once in a while...
but not lonely.

2) I believe many-if-not-most people surround themselves with others in order
to improve their feelings about themselves. For instance many people jump from
one relationship to another and as a result they never spend time with
themselves, so they never learn who they are. I imagine that these people
really do feel a crippling sense of loneliness... because it's the well
they've been pulling self-worth from for their entire lives.

3) The article references how men are unlikely to call into a phone line for a
sense of community and theorizes that it is likely because they're shouldering
the burden. More likely that it's because talking to a complete stranger and
asking about each other's day is superficial and/or vain. The wood shop is a
much better/cooler idea... as learning a new hobby is a good way to get with
new people.

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cLeEOGPw
Article focuses on senior citizens. But loneliness is far from only senior
people problem. More and more young and middle age men and women are lonely in
western world. Maybe this will be a step towards trying to do something about
young people loneliness too, as lonely young people have even worse impact on
society than lonely old people.

~~~
mac01021
Young people can walk and drive longer distances, and so normally have less
reason to remain lonely, I would guess.

Do lonely young people continue to be lonely mainly because they don't know
how to initiate social interaction? Or because they don't realize that
companionship is what they need?

~~~
13of40
> companionship is what they need

I'm 40ish and married right now, but throughout my life I've alternated
between being solitary and living with people. My take on it is that both are
psychologically stressful in different ways. I've wondered once or twice
whether it would be better to have some kind of drug or therapy that helps a
person be content with being alone rather than assuming that companionship is
going to be a magic bullet for everyone.

~~~
CuriouslyC
Part of the problem is that our culture strongly encourages social
contribution and development of identity via social mechanisms. We stigmatize
non-contribution and individual identity using labels like crazy, weirdo,
freak and degenerate.

Isolating non-conformists wouldn't need medication and therapy if people
respected them in the first place.

~~~
mrec
Yeah, that stigma seems to be a relatively recent phenomenon. Reading
something like Dickens there's far more tolerance of eccentricity on many
axes. (That might be just Dickens himself, of course, but I doubt it.)

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Futurebot
The book "The Lonely American: Drifting Apart in the Twenty-first Century" by
Jacqueline Olds explores this topic at length. I recommend it to anyone
interested in a thorough (and at times, heart-wrenching) treatment of the
topic.

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cm3
Genuinely curious, is there a scientific definition of loneliness, and what
parameters does it involve, since it's hardly black or white?

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CatsoCatsoCatso
A national study released this year showed Sixty-five to 79 is the happiest
age group for adults in the UK. Though this declined in the over-80s.

So what happens around the age of 80?

[http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-35471624](http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-35471624)

~~~
Wonnk13
your friends start to die?

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SaasDeveloper1
I used to be lonely\empty before deciding to follow Christ. I tried and did
just about anything and everything to fill this void and nothing lasted.
Giving my life over to Him literally changed my life. I'm convinced that we
are all created to be in a relationship with Him and until we are we will
constantly search for other ways to fill that void.

~~~
CuriouslyC
We all need to find meaning for our existence. I'm pleased that you've found
one that makes you happy. Please consider that meaning is personal, and don't
proselytize your way as a privileged one that should apply to all people. Take
a moment when you make statements of that sort and ask yourself what your true
motivations are.

~~~
SaasDeveloper1
Some people are lonely and looking for help. I've been there and this decision
was the best thing that ever happened to me. I've seen it work for countless
others. My motivation is simply to help others.

~~~
CuriouslyC
I appreciate that you want to help other people, but when you make blanket
statements like that, it implies other meanings people have found are somehow
inferior.

Through Jesus you gained a feeling that you are loved, that you exist as part
of something larger than yourself, and your life has purpose. Those ultimate
results are what you should be trying to lead people to. There's nothing wrong
with sharing how the teachings of Jesus lead you there. Think of it this way -
there are many paths to a destination, which one you should take depends on
where you are starting your journey.

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hclivess
the TV consensus has been breached. Now suffer the existential pain!

~~~
Practicality
What is "the TV consensus?" Google does not turn up anything useful for this
term.

~~~
Terr_
Perhaps they meant the idealized dollhouse of mutual buddies seen in various
shows and sitcoms?

It's hard to make weekly shows about lonely people with only one permanent
cast member...

