
Ask HN: Why is it hard to find a wife now-a-days? - rrepubli
It&#x27;s a bit odd to ask this question on a tech forum but I will give it a try. I am from India. I work for a company in US and live in PNW region. I am almost 32. I am finding it very hard to marry.
I dont have six packs but I would say I am in shape. I have accepted my baldness and I don&#x27;t think much of it now. Although, it bothers me sometime when I am lonely.<p>I am trying to find Indian woman I can marry. Recently, I met 5 Indian women. Despite what is being said in the media, I felt that cards are stacked against men. I don&#x27;t believe in caste or religion and my parents are cool with any girl I marry to. 
When I met these women, all of them have had at least 1 or 2 boyfriends. I dont expect my wife to be a virgin, but I am expecting someone with no relationship experience. That&#x27;s because I never had girlfriend or I never was in a relationship. All these women said they drink alcohol quite often. I would be okay with drinking alcohol once in a while but daily&#x2F;weekly is definitely no.<p>I have had same experience with dating women in US. I went on quite a few dates but never turned into anything serious.<p>Throughout my 20s I focused on studies, building career and now I am finding that I missed in dating&#x2F;relationships area. Working hard was the only choice I had. I grew up in lower middle class family so study and work were only things known to me.<p>I maintain good hygiene and can converse well. I dont have specific hobby as such but I like reading, soccer and hiking.<p>I feel my life is incomplete without a woman on my side. I see so many couples and honestly I feel jealous.<p>I am a bit concerned if I can ever find a decent woman to marry who doesn&#x27;t drink and haven&#x27;t gone partying throughout her 20s.<p>Is this a midlife crisis? What can I do? I don&#x27;t think I will be ever able to accept a girl who is just marrying me for the resources.
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_dwda
As a married male software engineer in his 20s: the problem here is you. Your
expectations are ridiculous and if you continue to seek a woman who meets them
you will likely die alone.

You want an Indian woman living in the PNW, roughly your age (I assume) yet
without any relationship experience, limited alcohol consumption and didn't
party in her 20s?

I'm sure many people here would like a rich supermodel scientist who can cook
a beautiful meal too. Would you say their inability to marry one is because of
some change in society?

Drop your insane criteria entirely. You need to be meeting as many people as
you can and _really_ getting to know them. For all you know, your perfect wife
is a fun-loving African-American who's been in a few relationships and loves
partying but right now, if you ran into her at a conference or something,
you'd dismiss her instantly because she doesn't meet your silly criteria.

Also, don't be laser focused on marriage. If you go into all your
relationships looking only for a wife, you're near certain to fail. Finding a
wife (for me at least) is about getting to know someone first and deciding you
want to spend your life with them second. It normally takes years for people
to decide they're willing to make a commitment like marriage.

------
3131s
You said it yourself. You expect a woman in her 30s with no relationship
experience who hardly ever drinks alcohol. Without saying anything about those
preferences, it's only a small number of women who fit that requirement.

Do you have the same requirements for male friends? If not, why does a
relationship like marriage need to be different? I understand that you want
someone who shares your experience in not having had a relationship, but
consider that you are in an increasingly small group as you get older and the
type of people in that group probably tend to be reclusive and not meet each
other anyway. I would encourage you to consider if sharing that experience is
really so important in the bigger picture.

------
val314159
You want to find a girl who is:

1\. ready for marriage 2\. has had NO previous boyfriends 3\. doesn't drink
more than twice a month 4\. said girl should not value money at all 5\. this
girl should be ok a guy who has poor social skills 6\. should not have an
arbitrary set of rules that excludes nearly 100% of the dating pool

If you find this girl, I guarantee you she is messed up in the head.

Bonus question: How come you said a women "on my side" rather than "by my
side"? (is she a gun or a partner?)

~~~
Veratyr
> How come you said a women "on my side" rather than "by my side"? (is she a
> gun or a partner?)

I think this is just an honest mistake as a result of bad English rather than
a reflection of his attitude towards women.

~~~
val314159
I could totally see that. However, too many "misspeaks" like this could come
across as telegraphing your true feelings.

Sometimes how people say things is even more important than WHAT they say.
(other case in point: "Decent" is a highly charged, loaded VALUE JUDGEMENT. I
wonder if the Op is "decent"?)

------
gamechangr
I can understand not wanting someone who drinks regularly.

I can understand wanting to find an Indian girl -especially if you're Indian.

I can understand not wanting to date someone who has slept with too many men,
especially because it sounds like you haven't?

You clearly wrote this looking for feedback, so let me speak about what sticks
out to me about your comments. I think it's a bit odd that you want them to
have "no relationship experience". So they need to be 18, socially awkward, or
career driven. If they're 18 or Career driven, they may not be interested in
you. That just leaves "socially awkward".

I think you should reconsider that qualification and should be open to having
a relationship with a woman who has had a few (not hundreds) of relationships
before. It's my opinion - and experience - that women need a few relationships
to really find themselves.

I hope that helps.

------
lj3
Just a few idle observations...

Women are sexually attracted to confidence and charisma the way men are
sexually attracted to youth and beauty. Attraction is not negotiable, so if
you have neither confidence nor charisma, you need to learn them. I hear
toastmasters is good for this.

If you're looking to attract a traditional woman, then you need to be a
traditional man. Dress well, have a good job and make enough money to support
a household and kids.

Where do you meet women? Most of the US dating scene is focused around alcohol
(bars, clubs, etc). If you want to meet someone who doesn't drink, then stay
away from places where alcohol is consumed. Church (or a hindu temple) is
still a good place to meet traditional women, as are book groups, hiking
groups, soccer groups, stand-up paddle board classes, etc. Also, any group
that meets at the crack of dawn for some sort of physical activity. Anybody
who shows up to that sort of event will more than likely be in shape and not
drink a lot.

Expecting somebody to have no relationship experience isn't realistic. If you
want any hope of finding a wife, you need to let go of that one.

------
mjhoyer
What about an Indian dating site or app? I met my now wife through okcupid a
few years ago and we couldn't be a better match. My dating life before okcupid
was non existent. I also had a hard time online and took a lot of work but I
don't think I would have went on as many dates with people that matched the
attributes I was looking for without using a website that filtered out a lot
of that. You can easily exclude the drinkers, smokers, etc. There will be
disappointments but it's a numbers game and you'll find someone if you keep at
it. There's a lid for every pot as they say.

If that doesn't work maybe ask your parents to do a traditional Indian wedding
where they do match you with someone. But I'd go the online route first if
your family isn't traditional.

Good luck!

[https://www.quora.com/Which-are-the-best-online-dating-
sites...](https://www.quora.com/Which-are-the-best-online-dating-sites-for-
Indians)

------
tuxlinuxien
The problem is that you are expecting too many things from women and why this
word "marry" comes many times?

My advice now is not looking for a wife but for a girlfriend, make sure this
is the right person before thinking about getting married.

From my own experience, I work in an IT company in China and most of my
Chinese colleagues look socially awkward. They don't take care of themselves
(wear the same t-shirt for 1 week or 2), they can't look at a girl in the eyes
without blushing and so on. I am small compared to my friends and colleagues,
I don't have the 6 pack either but I have learned to feel comfortable with
women.

Don't blame on the society, only blame on yourself. I think your requirements
are quite outdated and if you can't accept it, just go back to India.

------
qubex
What sticks out like a sore thumb in this post is that you're approaching this
like a candidate selection process. The most horrifying thing of all is that
you're enumerating a list of criteria you _want_ and nowhere do you even
remotely mention human emotion. It's about finding somebody you love and not
about satisficing bullet points.

Any woman who by sheer chance satisfied all those criteria and wasn't fucked
in the head would probably be utterly uninterested in the idea of spending the
rest of her life in a loveless marriage.

------
super-serial
Sounds like you like traditional women. If a girl like that didn't drink in
her twenties and focused on her studies or career like you, why shouldn't she
expect a guy with resources? She's a good catch. Traditional girls want to
focus on family life and their kids so money ensures they could be free to do
that.

Since you want good catches don't accept being bald. You can get hair
transplants if needed. You should take a realistic look at yourself and think
if being bald makes you look like the Indian Jason Stathom or if it makes you
look less appealing. My guess is the latter because most under 40 yr old guys
can't pull it off. After fixing the bald issue look for other ways to improve
yourself.

Finally start meeting the right women. Go to traditional Indian supermarkets.
Find meetups for Indian professionals. If dating sites aren't working you
might need to try harder to meet the traditional types you like. If you can't
find that in America take some trips to India. Don't care what other people
say... go somewhere that you can meet the women you want.

~~~
asshat909
The real cures for bald are "funny" or "confident". Those are attributes women
REALLY want. And if your sense of humor is only ok, try "being a caring,
active listener" (amazingly almost no one does this).

The asker didn't want to be wanted for their money, but to be wanted for your
hair? Think about it. That's even MORE shallow.

------
mturmon
Besides some of the other good observations nearby, I wanted to add that you
should admit you are deficient in relationship experience. You should change
your attitude, and be thankful that you might meet someone who has had more
experience, and perhaps her superiority in this regard could complement your
ignorance.

In other words, you might learn something.

------
throw_a_way
The crux of your question revolves around loneliness and your desire for
companionship, but I think you're focusing instead on a list of inflexible
requirements that you're imposing upon a person you have yet to meet. Are all
of these expectations really what you need from another person in your life,
or do they stem from fear of women, relationships, and trust? If it's the
latter, insecurity is getting in the way of your happiness, and that's not
healthy.

Also, I'm bothered by a lot of your wording. Some things to consider, that
only you can really answer:

Why are you afraid that women are hunting you down for your "resources?" What
is this presumed power/resource imbalance and what does that say about your
opinion of women in general?

Why do you expect someone to have no relationship experience? You stated that
you feel like you've missed out on building your own experiences. Why do you
wish this mistake on someone else? Do you also expect your male friends to
never have been in a relationship? What does that say about your respect for
the experiences and agency of half the world's people?

What are the social norms around alcohol consumption in your city. If it's
normal for people to drink socially once or more a week, how might your
alcohol rules affect a person's other social relationships. It's this really
about alcohol or is it about control or fear of the other relationships in a
woman's life? Are you hoping to change someone? What's does this say about
your own insecurities and ability to trust?

Finally, what do you imagine is a "decent woman?" Does she need to be Indian?
Can she be more successful than you? Make more money? Hack better code? Have
more friends? Is a woman with relationship experience not decent? Can a decent
woman impress you? Can you work under a decent woman? What age is a decent
woman? Are most women you meet decent? Does your definition of a "decent man"
differ?

------
rollingpebbles
5 isn't very many at all. Try harder. It may take 10 or 100 more. Social
activities, sports, churches, universities or interest groups are the best
places.

I wouldn't rush into marriage, because it's the best way to rush into divorce.

[https://video.vice.com/en_us/video/inside-
america39s-billion...](https://video.vice.com/en_us/video/inside-
america39s-billion-dollar-divorce-industry/559fdff16e523e627f051280)

------
mcphage
> What can I do? I don't think I will be ever able to accept a girl who is
> just marrying me for the resources.

Well then, what are you contributing to the relationship?

------
jacknews
Why does she have to be Indian?

------
NTDF9
I've been hearing a lot of this from people in tech and I think I know the
reason why this happens to guys like you.

Here are some of my observations:

\- You are in tech, so you are possibly an introverted nerd. Which means, you
feel drained with social interaction. Unfortunately, women won't come without
interaction

\- You are in tech, so your profession requires constant studying and updating
skills, which means less time outside, meeting and interacting with women

\- You are in tech, you allowed companies to make your life miserable with
stupid interview processes, perf reviews, PIPs etc. Ever occurred to you how
much you are compromising in your life to "win" at these stupid artificial
processes?

\- You are an Indian in the US. I'm guessing on H1b. Which means you are
basically a modern day slave unfortunately. Do you realize how much freer
people are back in India? If real life is more important to you than
substandard life in US, go back to India. Seriously, life in India is FREEDOM.
Live in some nice cities, meet people, meet neighbors, celebrate festivals

\- You are in tech, so you are more comfortable with computers than with
people. Women are not computers

\- Your go-to place to ask such an issue is HN? Perhaps cut down time in front
of the screen and meet real people. This action of yours gives a clue as to
how unhealthy your relationship with computers is

\- You are seriously behind socially. There's no other way to put this. Women
are humans, they have social and emotional needs. A healthy woman will have
had some relationships. You haven't had a relationship before? Guess what,
most healthy people in their 20s do. You are the odd man out, nothing changed
with women

Now you know why so many people choose not to do STEM?

~~~
chauhankiran
Agree with you on "tech persons are more comfortable with computers than
woman"

