
Ask HN: Did you learn any life changing lessons this year? - drieddust
This year I learned a hard lesson in personal life and realized that playing a &quot;Providing Hero&quot; is a poor life choice. It just makes you open to exploitation especially by close family where your guards are down.<p>What lessons did you learn this year?
======
strikelaserclaw
I've learned that if you don't make a decision, that decision will be made for
you. This is the most important lesson i learned this year. Never
procrastinate on making important decisions, be decisive and be ready to
weather consequences.

~~~
RickS
I heard a really similar thing about suffering – which can be a decision if
you want it to be.

Choose what you'll suffer for, or someone else will choose for you. In other
words, you're going to hurt, and struggle, and have your patience tried for
_something_. Pick something you actually want and suffer intentionally for it,
or you'll suffer for nothing as a consequence of trying to avoid hardship.

~~~
drieddust
I am stealing this quote from you. It is print worthy. On similar lines I have
started to feel that happy life is not necessarily a good life. Often they
don't gel together well.

Unhappy struggle for the principle is way better than living a false Facebook
Happy Life.

~~~
RickS
I don't own that quote – I wish I could claim to have known that innately
rather than having to hear and learn it in times of pain.

The thing you said about happy life not being good life is dead on IMO.
Happiness != comfort != meaning. Optimize for meaning.

I didn't attribute this quote because hackernews relentlessly downvotes him,
but I learned all of this from Jordan Peterson, who has done more than most
other people for helping me unfuck my life and be a better man.

He's a problematic dude sometimes, including his takes on climate science, but
his youtube courses Maps of Meaning are immensely insightful if you're willing
to suspend disbelief and listen abstractly and in good faith.

~~~
tucaz
Upvoted for mentioning JP.

Great guy. Really interesting insights and ideas. Every word he says has a
meaning. It is really hard to listen to someone like him talking. You have to
pay attention to each word because that will change the meaning of the whole
thing.

He uses meaningful and precise words. Not just empty and unfounded ideas.

edit: now I see how it works. Got downvoted for mentioning JP.

------
Imanari2
Your Environment is more powerful than you willpower.

I found that to be very true. After 2 years abroad and living through a lot of
very intense experiences and changes I thought I was a "new man", and indeed,
I learned and changed a lot.

Then when I came back home I hang out with my old friends in our old places
and I fell back into my old behavior immediately. That's why its so hard to
start working out at home, because your walls of your apartment\house tell you
to keep doing what you always do in there, i.e. not working out.

~~~
ishjoh
Change is hard, and like you said it's easy to fall into the same old habits.
Something that has worked for me is to change something small at first. Maybe
redecorate your room a little bit, or always make your bed, or always keep
your room clean. Then build off of that.

You're in your old city again, but you don't have to go to the places you used
to, try a new lunch/dinner/beer spot. You spent 2 years abroad, you have the
ability to adventure, and there's probably a ton of new people and experiences
awaiting you if you get back off the beaten path in the very city you live.

------
coralreef
I learned that withdrawing into yourself when an asshole treats your poorly is
the wrong thing to do.

Shutting out may feel comfortable and safe, but leaves you unaccustomed to
dealing with emotional disturbances. It makes you soft.

If you are upset by someone else, it's only because you've let their
negativity into you, so to speak. The world has an endless supply of assholes,
and tomorrow you may face another one. Fortify your mind by maintaining your
course.

~~~
drdeadringer
This is interesting because in addition to "flight // fight" there is also
"freeze" which sounds a bit like what you are talking about.

Learning how to overcome "freeze" as a reaction may be a good idea in some
situations.

~~~
coralreef
Could be, but semantics allows it to fulfill the flight definition as well.

As in, we are fleeing from confrontation, or we are avoiding the things we
would normally do/feel.

------
askafriend
As a relatively younger person, I definitely had a much different
impression/expectation of the American political system than what I'm seeing
play out.

It seems far more brittle and volatile than I had envisioned it growing up.
Now, something sacred like the concept of checks and balances seems a distant
ideal at best.

Was the "adult perception" that government is always this chaotic, am I just
more perceptive to all the machinations now that I'm older, or are things
really "different this time"? I'd imagine the Bush era was also very chaotic.

I guess the lesson learned here is how brittle of a foundation many power
structures in the world are built on and how quickly those can shift.

~~~
war1025
I think government is one of those things that is clean cut and beautiful in
the abstract, and an absolute clusterfuck in reality. There are plenty of
people who would say the same thing about the Obama era. It really just
depends what team you're rooting for.

The thing, in my opinion, that is the single biggest merit of the American
political system is that reality that most people are self-interested jerks is
built in. People are expected to not see eye to eye, the "checks and balances"
are in place not to make us all agree, but to keep things functioning well
enough that we don't turn violent.

------
techsin101
I learned...

I do get burned out.

Intermittent fasting works.

React redux is clunky together at best.

To stop complaining to others, on internet, and to my self, it kicks starts
cycle of medicority.

Phrase next Facebook won't look like Facebook really settled in when I saw
rise of twitch despite there being YouTube.

Very few actually want to do startups or at least sacrifice that a founder
ought to make.

There are no Junior jobs in tech. Skill gap is either imaginary or only
applicable to senior Dev jobs.

It further cemented that having a degree from ivy college is an extreme
advantage to every state of startup... Except maybe finding product fit.
Definitely a plus when trying to get funding, find cofounder, get University
perks, even in b2b getting them on board.

Realization I don't have enough life experience to know of problems that could
be startup idea... And I don't know how to solve it.

Telling someone you're going to do something is great way to never do it.

~~~
karmakaze
> Telling someone you're going to do something is great way to never do it.

This is very interesting and unexpected. I'd always thought that telling
someone would help with follow-through since you're now committed. On a side-
project I was working on, it started out well, but as I kept discussing what
was next, I found myself completing less and less. The trick here must then be
just to discuss what you've completed and any discussions of next steps should
be open rather than 'decided'.

~~~
techsin101
it's like getting that satisfaction and after you have had it by telling
someone then relatively speaking actually doing it isn't going to make you
look that much better.

it's like when you tell someone you get 70% social boost. When you do it it's
only 30% short term boost in social status, but who cares about 30%. You
already got the most out of this whole deal BEFORE the hardwork.

I've found even telling people when you 95% done affects hugely. Don't tell,
dont brag, dont show off, in fact try to hide so people can't connect dots and
find you on linkedin.

------
Kevin_S
I learned I'm more capable than I imagined. I was a mediocre student through
HS and undergrad, and managed to talk my way into a really good PhD program I
started this fall. All the other students were stellar students and just
seemed so much more qualified, and I really doubted if I could make it.

I did well enough in my fall classes (hardest math I've ever taken, skipping
multiple pre reqs) to move on and I feel I've found my research interest at
least for now. I'm excited every day to work on my research/coding and
honestly am 100x happier than I was at my old job even though I'm working
about 5x the hours.

I was really worried from the get-go I would not be able to pass the hard
classes. But shit, I did it! I feel I can just do so much more.

Sorry for the ramble haha.

~~~
sgillen
Awesome dude! I was in a really similar situation last year. I still felt I
was unqualified until earlier this year (oh I passed that class but it was
supposed to be easy etc etc). But I passed the “screening exam” that many very
qualified driven students fail the first time. That definitely helped with the
imposter syndrome.

------
natalyarostova
I deferred design decisions to people I thought knew more than me, due to
still being relatively new to the field, and it turns out I was (probably)
right, and just didn't have the confidence to assert my reasons.

Outside of HN topics, I learned that nothing really matters outside of the
health of your family.

------
shahbaby
I've learned a lot this year.

1\. Relationships: After surviving my divorce, I was more grateful than ever
to live the bachelor life but it was not until I decided that I never want to
enter another relationship that I was able to fully redirect my energy towards
other areas of my life.

2\. Diet:

\- Carbs: People are becoming obese because excessive sugar has become a
normalized addition to their diet.

\- OMAD: Not only is it possible to eat once a day without adverse side
effects, it's actually healthy to do so.

\- Extended fasting: It's even possible to go for multiple days without eating
if you manage your electrolytes (look up snake diet on youtube) and this also
has great benefits.

3\. Listen to more music: It's one of the simplest ways to alter your mood for
the better.

~~~
mortivore
As a former fat guy, on number 2, it's more than just sugar. It's quantity.
Skinny/normal people really just don't get how much food a fat person eats.
It's insane. Like the thing you mention about skipping meals, fat people don't
do that unless it's to skip the fifth meal.

~~~
shahbaby
Most people do not count calories. They eat until they feel full and this
usually worked out okay.

But now things like white bread, cereal and pancakes have become a regular
staple of their diets. These high carb, low fiber foods have a lesser effect
on satiety, so people consume more calories before they feel full and the
excessive level of carbs in their system discourages their body from burning
the fat they already have.

An important thing to realize is that the physical fat that you have on you is
fuel. When/what you eat determines whether or not your body uses that source
of fuel.

------
naavis
I learned that I need coworkers and a proper work community. Joining a good
company as an employee after running my own business from home feels like such
a great breath of fresh air.

~~~
jerriep
I went the same route. After six years of freelancing and remote work, I
decided to head back to a permanent job and into the office to seek out the
community that it offers.

~~~
ishjoh
if your old freelancing clients are looking for someone to fill your shoes
drop me a line, i'd love to chat with them.

------
JoshCalbet
There is so much inertia in a big organization if you want to do something, it
is better not to ask and work on it and keep pushing things forward until
someone explicitly ask you to stop. It is not productive and possibly
dangerous to be waiting for approval or even guidance, when there is so many
things to do and no one offer to help, stop looking for guidance, dive deep
into the code, solve the problems and make a defense of your solutions.

That was a life changing lesson. I became more productive I got rejections a
couple of times, but the rate of success was way more than I expected.

~~~
drieddust
But why do you want to take initiatives nobody wants?

I have been your shoe a lot of times and it usually ends in your work of
useful openly taken advantage of with no attribution.

So unless you are in right position, don't do it.

A have resorted to running these ideas as personal project outside work.

------
zergov
I learned to shut up and let things be when it does not concern me.

~~~
drieddust
Great advise, I am guilty of taking sides/playing hero without knowing the
details is important.

------
squirrelicus
This year I learned that God is real.

I'd been an atheist since 14 and have spent the majority of my life an
atheist. I believed that there was insufficient evidence for the existence of
God.

In many ways I still believe that. I dont believe in a magic transdimensional
entity most people believe in when they talk about God.

However, much like you feel the spirit of celebration when your team scores a
goal, or the spirit of accomplishment when you complete a difficult task, or
the spirit of Ares when your kid dumps a cup of water on your computer and
laughs in your face, God is the spirit of knowing the right thing to do.

God is, at least, a very real force that exists, in part, within us all in
Western culture. We've inherited God. That's my conclusion anyway.

To be clear, I'm Christian now, as of August. I take the Bible seriously now.
But to be extra clear, I believe it's _all_ metaphor. Metaphor that tells you
deep truths about yourself.

For those interested, the catalyst for me was Jordan Peterson's series "The
Psychological Significance of the Biblical Stories", available in full for
free on YouTube

~~~
janlin1999
> To be clear, I'm Christian now, as of August. I take the Bible seriously
> now. But to be extra clear, I believe it's all metaphor.

Isn't that an odd position to take when parts of the Bible insist that it is
not metaphorical? (e.g. Paul's argument in 1 Corinthians 15 about why he
believes in Jesus' bodily resurrection and his conclusion that "If we have
hoped in Christ in this life only, we are of all men most to be pitied.") I
can understand those who believe the Bible to be true (mixed in with some
metaphor) and I can understand those who do not believe it to be true. It
seems odd, though, to believe that it is entirely metaphorical and decide to
take it seriously, given some of what it says.

In Romans 7, Paul makes the argument that he cannot set himself free from sin
and he needs God. If you believe the Bible is entirely metaphorical but take
it seriously, do you believe you are setting yourself free?

~~~
squirrelicus
I realized I may not have directly addressed your comment, and I definitely
didn't address your last question. In reverse order,

I do believe God is the one setting me free. God, in my view, is at least (and
maybe more) a cultural spirit we have inherited. Much of the condition I've
been born and raised into was not my choice, God included. I believe I am
recognizing and embracing that which is a part of me, and a part of the
Christian West in general, at least. Something I've ignored or resisted for
most of my life.

With respect to the specific claims of the reality of the legends and
metaphors, I try act as if God is real and Christ was resurrected, sure. But
I'm not burdened by the question of the nature of the god of Job, for example.
It's clear to me that that story is about dealing with tragedy, when it
_feels_ like God and Satan are conspiring against you.

~~~
janlin1999
Thanks for your comments. It would certainly be hard for me to share as openly
as you have here.

I understand from your comments that you have turned to some concept of God
(cultural inheritance) in order to find meaning in your life. Different people
find meaning in different ideas, people, projects, etc. I don't mean to
belabor the point, but I think you have invested meaning in a set of writings
that explicitly say that they are meaningless (or worse than harmless) unless
certain key parts are historically true, and you explicitly deny the
historicity of those parts.

As I have understood your situation, it's a little like a cancer patient being
presented with several different options, all with varying probabilities of
success and none with any guarantee. After much research and deliberation, the
patient knowingly chooses the placebo option. There are obviously some
benefits to the placebo option; it just seems that most people in that
situation wouldn't choose that option. If you're interested in talking more
synchronously, I can be reached via contact information in my profile.

------
philwelch
Here’s another interesting perspective on the “Provider Hero” thing you
mentioned: [https://www.theplayerstribune.com/en-us/articles/kobe-
bryant...](https://www.theplayerstribune.com/en-us/articles/kobe-bryant-
letter-to-my-younger-self)

~~~
drieddust
Thanks, it makes so much sense. In my case some of the people were so wise and
trustworthy that I never realised they were taking me for a ride.

------
znpy
Well I learnt to take nothing for granted at work. I've seen long-standing
equilibriums crumble in a short timespan, after having been in place for eons.

I've also learnt that while money is not everything, it's definitely something
that should be kept high on the list of priorities.

~~~
dman
I will echo the first thing you said. Things are always more unstable than
they appear (especially if things appear very stable).

~~~
techsin101
Interested in more examples

------
akulbe
I've learned that I can work until I drop... but if I don't prioritize my
health, I've got nothing.

I mean this mostly for physical health, but it could as easily apply to mental
and emotional health too.

------
DoreenMichele
Fasting (or semi-fasting, actually -- I have never done a water fast) is good
for my medical condition. My terrible headaches are mostly gone now.

------
bg24
I learnt that age is more than a number. Take care of health and not be afraid
to learn new things as I continue working beyond 40.

------
quickthrower2
I need to expect less of myself and rest more, until I figure out what is
causing fatigue. But I’d love to do some mild exercise on a regular basis.

Also learned to enjoy family’s more important than chasing dollars.

------
sidcool
There is something like too much devotion, to anything. I have learnt to not
lose your health to a cause, a career or a person. Secondly, family is
everything.

------
RickS
So many. Really good year. Lots of them feel like I've been in a cave for
awhile and am just coming back, so maybe these are table stakes for other
people.

1) Intentional vulnerability

Intentional vulnerability is really good stuff. Withholding emotions to look
stoic, or out of shame that it's "not manly" to feel them, or because feelings
are somehow lesser for being irrational.. all really toxic ways of being, and
the irony is that they'll keep you right in that place where you don't want to
be. This year, I've made a point of trying to connect with people by being
honest about the shit that's hard in my life, especially when people extend
tiny branches of their own hardships. Leaning in, and showing that you're
available to talk about sensitive things gently gets other people to open up
so much more, and then they're relieved to have someone to share those parts
of their life with, and it becomes a positive cycle of intimacy instead of a
negative cycle of tentative emotional withholding. The depth and breath of my
relationships has exploded since I've started doing this.

\----

2) Don't try to make relationships things they're not. Meet people as who they
are, where they are.

Another thing I've learned is that not everybody is going to want to play that
game. Fair enough! It's scary, and intimate, and it's unreasonable to try and
make every relationship that particular brand. Sometimes the move is to leave
it alone and let people open up on their own schedule, if ever, and just meet
them where they are. Other times, I've discovered that people who've been in
my life a long time have really toxic aversions to self inspection and self
improvement, and that had never come to a head because we were both content
being dishonest about our inner lives, but once I started being more open, it
made sense to phase them out because the relationships didn't feel healthy.

"Fuck yes or no" is a thing I got from Mark Manson[1]

I made some messes by pursuing, and sometimes settling for, romantic
relationships that were mediocre fits. Life is too short.

[1] [https://markmanson.net/fuck-yes](https://markmanson.net/fuck-yes)

\----

3) Therapy. Not just for crazies. Best use of money in 2018.

Therapy is in the top 5 things I ever did for myself. Probably behind getting
a computer and going to college, in terms of transformative outcomes. I had a
lot of ideas about how my mind worked, and where my problems started, how I
behaved, and how I _could_ behave, and most of them were wrong to some degree.
Exploring this stuff with a professional really pays for itself in a hurry.
Recommended for all people, even if you don't think whatever you have going on
is "worth" going to therapy over.

\-----

4) Taking the first leap, giving trust space to grow

OP, while I can understand your situation, I worry that your stance there is
too hard-line in the other direction. "Provider Hero" doesn't sound like a
healthy thing to be – it's not your responsibility to be the sole source of
stability or resources for the people in your life, especially if they're
making the kind of messes that call for Heroes. But to be the opposite, or to
never be able to step into that role, feels like a bad thing too. It can be
immensely meaningful to provide for people who are genuinely in need, and who
are grateful. I know I've got friends who have done that for me and it's meant
the world.

I might be reading too far into your mood from just a single sentence, but
don't make the mistake of burying that part of yourself just because it got
burned once. It could be that you're making the world better, and it's the
people on the otherside that should be modifying their behavior.

I was going through some stuff with a friend that really tried my trust. I had
told him some pretty private stuff, and tried to set some boundaries, and he
had behaved intentionally in a way that violated them – a few times. I met for
tea with our mutual friend, told him the situation, and asked what I could do.
I really didn't want to leave my friend behind, since he was really great in
every other way, but this boundary issue was an absolute dealbreaker.

His advice was really helpful: He told me to go back and have a serious
conversation, and reassert the boundaries, because there's a chance I wasn't
clear enough the first time about what my needs were, and what my expectations
were, and that's on me. It's my responsibility to make sure there's no
ambiguity between me and my friend about how things are supposed to be. And
then after that? I was terrified to put my friend back in a situation where he
could cross that line again, because it hurt a lot, but I had to let him back
in. _It only works if you give them the space to prove that they 're able to
respect the boundaries._ If I kept trying to avoid situations where I'd have a
problem, I'd be stuck living in doubt about whether my friend really had my
back. I took his advice. We had a great conversation, it's gotten better
since. I'm glad I listened.

I tell that story not so much for the part about letting these people back in
your life – maybe they really exploitative – but more for the bit about
needing to put yourself on the line instead of shying away. In order to have
trust grow, you have to give people opportunities to be trustworthy, and that
means giving them opportunities to be untrustworthy, and maybe getting hurt.

It sucks to play that game and lose, but even if you lose a lot, learn stuff
and play it again. Don't quit.

\---

I don't know if this is something people found useful. One of my goals in 2019
is to write more, so if things in here resonated and you'd like expansion,
please feel free to let me know. Likewise, if I'm longwinded and annoying,
please let me know that too :)

~~~
drieddust
> I've discovered that people who've been in my life a long time have really
> toxic aversions to self inspection and self improvement, and that had never
> come to a head because we were both content being dishonest about our inner
> lives, but once I started being more open, it made sense to phase them out
> because the relationships didn't feel healthy.

I came to same realization and it's heart breaking to let go.

> I might be reading too far into your mood from just a single sentence, but
> don't make the mistake of burying that part of yourself just because it got
> burned once.

I don't think I am so much scared but I will weight my options before jumping
into that role and I will be especially careful when it involves money.

> I tell that story not so much for the part about letting these people back
> in your life – maybe they really exploitative – but more for the bit about
> needing to put yourself on the line instead of shying away.

I think your advise is good. I will try to mend the relationships but as
equals. May be I should try next year.

------
slimshady94
Immigrated to a new country and went back to school. Both academically and
socially, learnt the same lesson - don't quit. Also learnt that there's a time
and place for everything - if you miss that window of opportunity, it doesn't
matter how hard you grind later on.

------
zapzupnz
This year was my first year in a paid job of any kind. I was 27, 28 now.
That's relatively late in one's life to have one's first job, but I was a
professional student — I kept studying post-grad until there was nothing left
for me to do.

I really enjoyed working, and I don't know why I put it off for so long. That
said, I miss academia, too. So, life goal, maybe get a job in a uni or college
so I can dip my toes back into academic stuff when it's feasible to do so.

Probably idealistic, but I feel invigorated and ready to take on whatever
challenges lie ahead to achieve my goals, something I was a bit scared to do
before this year.

------
veddox
It's all about the people.

As a very task-oriented person, this is a lesson I've known for years I ought
to learn, but only really understood this year. Of course, executing a task
well is important - but in the end, if you don't do it to help other people,
what's the point?

I've been a leader and a teacher this year, two jobs whose technical
aspects/tasks I very much enjoy. And yet I found the most fulfilling thing
about them to be the input I get to have into other peoples' lives; the fact
that I get to invest myself into others. Because it's all about the people.

------
drharby
Self respect is a healthy function of 360 critical feedback

~~~
sethammons
This is an interesting one. Mind going a bit deeper? I read it as: 360
feedback can provide a narrow view or extreme view in either direction, and
you are not beholden to the self-image that others label you. Respect what you
know about yourself and take the 360 as a data point to reflect upon. Not sure
if I read that right though.

------
tetek
I learned not to allow scarcity impair my judgement.

------
ejanus
Yes! Learnt the importance of good abstraction and beautiful code.

------
akeck
Get more sleep.

