
Ask HN: How do you balance being a dual-income household with a baby? - mh5
For background, my spouse and I both work. We never considered one of us being a stay-at-home parent since we both need the feeling of accomplishment that comes with working and put a lot into building our careers. And thankfully, our jobs are understanding when we have to leave early or stay home because our young daughter is sick, daycare is closed unexpectedly, etc. However, we always end up feeling guilty about it and worry their patience will wear thin soon. Additionally, it seems like we only have enough time to barely keep our heads above water at home, never mind be able to enjoy the few hours a day we get with our daughter. (We haven&#x27;t cleaned our house or mowed our lawn in over a month, and only read to her 2 or 3 times a week.) Life feels like one long, never ending to-do list where we can never perform well in any area of our life (work, being parents, home, etc), and we&#x27;re both exhausted.<p>So my question is: those of you with children whose spouses also work, how do you handle it? Or are you barely treading water too? Or, does one of you work from home&#x2F;work part-time&#x2F;etc? Interested to hear all arrangements.
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eduardordm
We decided one of us would stay at home or we would hire a nanny. After A LOT
of research we found that daycare services does not replace focused attention.
I'm a strong advocate against putting less than 2 years old in childcare
unless you absolutely need to. They need focused attention and the cognitive
difference between kids that used childcare and had focused attention (at 2
years old) is very visible. Does that causes long term IQ disparity? Probably
not, but it's something to consider. Specially if you feel that your child is
developing fast and in need of stimulus. (this is visible at 6 months old).

We hired a full time nanny. Yes, it's expensive and takes a substantial part
of one of our incomes but by doing that we had both a focused attention of a
human and could keep our both jobs as we wanted. My wife only went back to
work 6 months after the baby was born. This is our daily schedule:

7:00) Nanny arrives starts working on baby things (food, etc), me and my wife
play with our daughter until 9, she usually wakes up somewhere between 6 and
7.

9:00) We both leave to work, nanny takes the wheel, at this point baby is
tired and takes a nap

12:00) I come home to play with her a little bit and unwind for 30 min, then
head back to the office

17:00) We both arrive, nanny leaves (I usually get earlier) we spend time with
her until 9

21:00) Baby sleeps, I get back to work until 00:00, my wife is either studying
or working

When the nanny is taking care of the baby she is doing a list of activities we
both discussed (since the nanny is a pro), the baby also is always in contact
with other kids, we pay a child care to let our daughter stay there for a
couple of hours with our own nanny.

This is how we are doing, there isn't a right or wrong way since children are
usually so unique in the way they develop.

~~~
tacoman
Childcare is a thing people feel really strongly about and there is clearly no
right answer. It's all about what's best for the kid(s).

"They need focused attention and the cognitive difference between kids that
used childcare and had focused attention (at 2 years old) is very visible."

I think this is true for some kids, but not mine. My kids both started daycare
at 13 months. The caregiver to child ratio was 1:2 until about 20 months, then
it was 1:4.

My kids at 3 and 5 are more verbal and handle social situations better than
any other kids I know. The have the ability to focus on tasks like no other
kids I've spent any amount of time with. Maybe this is genetic or was a result
of being home full time with their parents for the first year of their lives.
(The norm in Canada)

We decided against a nanny because of what we saw in the neighbourhood. The
nannies we saw were most of the time detached from the situation and not
paying attention to the kids. The interactions were generally not positive. It
was rather sad to see.

An accredited daycare on the other hand is staffed by professionals where non-
positive interactions are not tolerated. Staff can take breaks and get help
when they need it.

It took us a long time to find a daycare we like though.

------
tacoman
We went through all this over the last few years with two kids and
grandparents/family on the other side of the country. Both of us work full
time and have the kids in daycare. I live in Canada though where a parent
(mother or father) is given 12 months of leave after the birth of a child, so
the first year is a lot less stressful than it could be.

If you're letting your house get dirty and the lawn grow wild it sounds like
you're doing a good job or prioritizing things. It can be a tough thing to let
go of, but anything not directly related to your health or paying bills can
wait until you have more time.

"Life feels like one long, never ending to-do list where we can never perform
well in any area of our life (work, being parents, home, etc), and we're both
exhausted."

Yes, it's really fricken hard at times. There is no other way to put it. If
you have family nearby, get as much help as you can from them.

This is cheesy and annoying advice, but live in the moment when you're with
your kids. The days are loooong and the years are so short.

~~~
japhyr
> The days are loooong and the years are so short.

I've never heard it put into these words before. This is a perfect description
of being a parent.

~~~
specules
I also like that and agree it's the perfect way of expressing the perception.

------
andymurd
You're not alone - this happened to all parent with very young children that I
know, whether both work or not. Keep struggling, it gets better.

I have one son, now 3 years old and a spouse who is also a coder. Here's how
we did it:

When son was born, my spouse took 6 months off work whilst I continued to work
full time. We were exhausted, house was a mess, lawn not mown etc. It was
HARD, but we coped. Mum got to take a couple of short holidays, which helped
her a lot.

At 6 months, Mum went back to work 2 days/week, with son attending childcare
on those days. These are long days for us and son but great for his
socialisation, learning etc. Mum gets to have an adult conversation and
exercise her brain. House/lawn still a mess.

At 12 months, son started crawling. We had to learn to tidy up just to get the
dangerous/breakable things out of his reach. Lawn still a mess, house is a
little bit better.

At 2 years, son started walking (late developer, I know). He can now follow
around the house as we do simple chores, but he also learned how to switch off
the vacuum.

At 2.5 years, he is happy playing on his own just knowing that one of us is
nearby. Mum & I can now tag team on weekends, she cleans whilst I sit with him
or I mow the lawn whilst she reads him a story. House & lawn start to recover
but we can't take on big projects.

At 3 years, son is potty trained. Words cannot describe just how awesome this
is: we can go places, we can do activities, we can be people again!

Mum still works just two days/week but also has a side business and volunteers
for some committees, flexibility is still very important. Son has childcare,
kindergym, swimming lessons, early learning so lots of variety and learning
opportunities. There have been some low points (kids get sick), but also small
victories to celebrate.

------
brothe2000
We have a 2 month old and it's not. It takes discipline to focus on what you
NEED to get done versus what you WANT to do.

I would recommend a checklist of things (like mowing the lawn and cleaning)
and figuring out how long those things take and then start to schedule when
you can do them. Apply project management to your home.

The good thing is that you can buy yourself time. For example, pay a neighbor
kid to mow the lawn. 1 hour of time saved for $20 - $30. Pick up dinner versus
making it.

If cleaning the dishes is a hassle, switch to paper plates for a week to buy
yourself some time to get other tasks done.

Established schedules and routines will give you some structure to get that
time back.

Keep in mind that if the house is a mess, the lawn isn't mowed, and the dishes
are piling up, it will add to the anxiety of life getting away from you so try
to take an extra minute to complete a task (get the mail, sort it, and put
bills in an area to pay later all in one motion versus piling it up to go
through later).

The good thing is that you have a spouse to help share in the duties.

I can't imagine how tough it is for a single parent.

------
hkarthik
My wife and I have been doing this for the past 5 years with two children that
are now 3 and 5.

The key enabler for both of us has been working remotely. We have a good
preschool just across the street, so there is no commute to work or school for
either of us. In the first year for the second child we had an in-home nanny
and we were both in the house in the event that she needed something.

This arrangement provides enough cushion to absorb the occasional out of town
trip, sick kid (we trade off when that happens), and just being around to let
the lawn guy in, house cleaner, etc.

Also we live in a low cost area and work remotely for CA-based companies so
our income is in a sweet spot.

So my advice is to start paying for lawn/house care and find a way for one or
both of you to eliminate the commute. This will allow you to keep working
while making you feel less overwhelmed.

------
joeclark77
Do you have help from either of your parents? Many of my friends who are
trying the dual-income parenting thing (especially my friends from China for
whatever reason) will tend to have one of their mothers come and live with
them, especially when the baby is young. If you live far from family members
who can help, then you're trying to do TWO difficult things at once:

1\. Dual-income parenting. 2\. Parenting without extended-family support.

You need to recognize that this is a thing. You may see other dual-income
families and think "they make it look easy" but fail to realize that they are
not attempting the same challenges you are. So don't feel discouraged if you
can't do what they do. Either set your sights lower (one challenge at a time!)
or try to get that help.

------
brogrammer90
Are the grandparents in the picture? I know my parents would have no problem
watching my baby a few times a week. Throw in the other set of grandparents
and you're gold.

------
specules
I'm an interaction designer and have 2 kids, ages 2 and 5. During the school
year when my husband has his full-time public high school English teaching job
("English" = "tons of lengthy essays and never caught up until the end of the
school year"), I am barely treading water. I dream of quitting constantly. It.
Is. SO HARD. To afford the Bay Area mortgage in a modest little home, I work
full-time year round, from the office 2-3 days a week, the other days from
home. The WFH helps, but it's not the panacea people think. You save time on
the commute but you are surrounded by the things you didn't prioritize (read:
mess, unfinished to-dos) because you prioritized your kids and bills higher.
And because you're home, your work stops (if you're Mommy) when the kids come
home or when you pick up, whereas if I'm still at the office, I can (guiltily)
still work an extra hour while my husband deals with pickup and dinner for
both kids. It's a trade-off, really.

Husband handles groceries and dishes and most cooking. We order more
takeout/delivery than my parents ever dreamed, maybe once or twice a week.
That helps a bit. I handle laundry and everything else, including hiring help
to clean our house every two weeks, all the bills, money- and health-related
stuff, clothing, school-related anything, buying whatever we need for the
house, and I'm the person who drops their job when I get the dreaded and
frequent call that one of my kids is sick at school, and then has to stay home
while they recuperate and either burn a sick day and then inevitably my
vacation days, or "work from home" meaning divide my attention ten ways from
Sunday.

We live across the country from all our family except my younger brother who
is not in a position to help watch kids. We do it all ourselves. So hard. I
think about moving all the time but almost all our relatives whom I'd trust to
watch our kids in a pinch all still have day jobs. In reality they couldn't
help. The one whom I'd trust has her own toddler to look after and I wouldn't
want to dump my sick kid on her so that her own child gets sick. My parents
are retired but I don't trust them to watch our kid. So moving across the
country to be near family wouldn't improve our situation at all. I think about
moving to a cheap place where we could own the house outright, which would
help some, but I did the math and I would still need to work at least part-
time to pay the rest of the bills. And then I'd be stuck in upstate NY with
its freezing winters and sweltering summers. So I haven't made the leap yet.
I'm hangin' on, in protest sometimes.

Our summer time schedule is more lax and I'm just figuring out this year's
schedule at a new elementary for the older one, but it will go something like
this.

\----- start -----

6 - 6:30) every damn day, 2yo wakes up and makes Mommy get up

6:30 - 7:30) I diaper, dress, feed, and pack lunch for the 2yo. (I can not
pack ahead of time - picky guy only eats soup or dumplings which has to be
warmed up and put in a thermos in the morning.) In that time, I also shower
and get dressed, and my husband wakes up, showers, eats, and gets dressed.

7:30) Husband takes 2yo to daycare and goes to teach

7:30 - 8:15) 5yo wakes up, rush through morning routine: potty, get dressed,
eat, tame her long hair, brush teeth. At same time, shove food in my face and
pack AM and PM snack as they are not provided by school. Get out the door.

8:15 - 8:30) I take 5yo to school

8:30 - 4:30) Work/school/daycare. If working from office, hour-long commute
for me from Lake Merced to downtown on Muni. Same if I drove to nearest BART
with parking. Joy.

4:30 - 5:15) Husband picks up both kids OR

4:45 - 5:15) Husband and I split kid pickup if I'm working from home (see?
save time commuting, spend time picking up kids)

5:15) cook, eat dinner, 2 allotted TV shows, play, see spouse if I've WFH

7:00) baths/pajamas, reading. If I worked in the office, I come home around
this time.

8:00) one last snack

8:30) brush teeth

8:45) bed - I lie down with them as I still nurse my 2yo and enjoy the snuggle
time. It means I don't get things done like other parents, but it won't last
forever and I know they'll grow up fast.

Middle of the night) I wake up from typically having fallen asleep with the
kids, and cross things off my to-do list or catch up on work I never finished

6 am) Do it all over again, maybe having gotten a few more hours sleep,
sometimes having worked all through the night

\----- end -----

There's no exercise in that schedule, no watching shows regularly. I could fit
exercise in the workday but feel guilty at how much time I have to spend with
family as it is, so I am loathe to take more attention away from work (except
when procrastinating by commenting on threads like this!)

I know other people would make different choices and criticize mine, tell me I
could fit in more if I moved this or that around, but fwiw that is our life,
that is how we're getting by at the moment, to answer your question.

I wish you all the best. Each family situation is different and I'm sure
you'll find something that works, even if barely, haha. And once it works, it
will change. :-)

