
Having a ‘work spouse’ makes you happier? - FuNe
http://www.bbc.com/capital/story/20161106-having-a-work-spouse-makes-you-happier
======
gcatalfamo
No, wait, seriously. What about the real wives asking "so who's this Tammy
that keeps messaging you?"

"Oh, it's just my work-wife, Sharon. We have been laughing all day at work
when our boss spilled his coffee."

Yes. That is gonna work for sure.

~~~
gcatalfamo
I'll reply to my own comment with one thing: I was the "work-husband" of a
girl. That girl is now my wife. Real wife.

I have never been happier, but the point is that the platonic-ness of such
close relationship can't be always safeguarded.

I mean it not in a negative affair-wise connotation, but still you can't help
it. And what if some of the two is not actually single?

~~~
mathgeek
Which begs the question: if you had been married at the time, would you have
left your then-spouse for your current wife as a result of being so close at
work?

Hypothetical, naturally. For many people who are in the wife's role of that
question, that situation is all too real.

~~~
sjg007
Happens a lot.

------
adaml_623
"Conventional wisdom holds that colleagues shouldn’t get too close, but the
changing nature of the workplace is throwing traditional human resources
manuals out the window."

I hate it when people just make up stuff. "They say that cucumbers were once
used as weapons".

~~~
Traubenfuchs
It's not that far fetched:

I once worked for one of the biggest banks in my country and when the branch
manager and a random employee made their relationship public the lower
employee was put in another branch.

~~~
sp332
But the article isn't about actual relationships. It's basically about having
a "best friend" at work with no romance.

------
emilsoman
Is it okay for a female to find a work spouse in another female? Is it okay to
have multiple work wives? I am a guy and there are guys at office who I trust,
have the same sense of humor etc. Am I work-gay? I don't get this.

~~~
stupidcar
Sounds like you're a bit of a work-player.

------
dspillett
Conversely a couple of years ago I made a conscious effort to significantly
separate my work and personal lives, and I feel a lot better for it.

I'm still friendly with people in office hours and join for company socials,
but no one here connects to me on "social media" and there are a very select
few who or socialise with more generally. Yes, I sometimes miss out on a few
things, but I think I've gained far more in terms of being able to shut off
when I go home if nothing else.

Perhaps it makes me less loyal, but before that time my loyalty was somewhat
abused so I don't feel at all bad about that, and I still do the "above and
beyond" thing when genuinely needed, more so than others I could mention,
particularly under the new regime who I currently trust more than the last lot
to give a fig about my needs.

~~~
phereford
Who do you feel less loyal to? I only ask as I essentially try to keep the
same boundaries but don't feel less loyal. I actually feel more loyal as I
have more _focused_ time for the company, but this is probably just a
rationalization on my part.

Edit: My question is more along the lines of: Do you feel less loyal to the
company or to the people within the company?

~~~
dspillett
I feel less _overly loyal_ to the company, having found a more healthy
balance. I still think I put more in than some though that is through a mix of
professional and personal pride more than loyalty (though I suppose loyalty is
part of that). That may change with time as the new regime does seem
determined to do some things right that the previous did no more than pay lip
service to.

To the people: I'm more selectively loyal than I once was. There are even
still some that I actively socialise with (though there is still a social
media disconnect). Though even with the social media disconnect, nothing I
post isn't public or something that I'd be fine with becoming public (if it
were private I'd communicate it by other means) so if they or the company want
to monitor me that way they can do.

------
dmichulke
Probably this article would have not been posted here (and the underlying
survey funded) if they were using the word "good colleague".

Using "spouse" instead suggests a sexual dimension that just isn't there.

Even the original survey result quoted is about a work colleague: _Special,
platonic friendship with a work colleague characterised by ..._

So, the title is IMO clickbait.

~~~
jasonlotito
Except the term is the common term for the relationship being described. It's
the most accurate title.

~~~
atwebb
>Except the term is the common term

I feel really out of the loop, I've never heard it, at least not enough to
stick. US based if that makes a difference.

~~~
FroshKiller
I don't know whether you're out of the loop, but I work in the southeastern US
and have been familiar with the term going back to 2012 or so.

~~~
atwebb
Huh, guess so, same area, I'm just not in the inner circle :)

------
elcapitan
Oh that's going to make work life really wonderful for everybody.

[http://assets.amuniversal.com/66b0ae4066380134c959005056a954...](http://assets.amuniversal.com/66b0ae4066380134c959005056a9545d)

------
JoeyBagadonuts
In the Navy, we refer to these partners as "boat boos". There are varying
levels of intimacy, but many are just close friends who aren't so close
anymore when the ship returns to home port and everyone goes back to their
real lives/wives.

This can apply to single people who have work as their connection, look
forward to seeing each other during the work day, but then leave it all at the
office when they go home.

------
glandium
Oh my, when I read about it in Dilbert a few weeks ago, I thought it was made
up and funny. Is that really a thing?

~~~
FroshKiller
Yes. My actual wife works in the same office as me, and we both have work
spouses. It's actually common in my experience.

~~~
mhurron
It used to be called 'having friends.' Everything has to have a stupid new
name for it now.

~~~
kbart
Yes, I don't get why we need that "wife/husband/spouse" name instead of
"friend" or "buddy"? Wife/husband/spouse sounds very intimate, and I don't
think it's a good idea to imply something intimate with your coworker (unless
you really like her/him and plan to advance, but that's another problem).
Also, I don't think my girlfriend would be excited either when I text her
back: "oh, don't worry, I'm just having dinner with my work-wife".

~~~
FroshKiller
I can only speak for myself, but it is a more intimate relationship than that
of a work friend. "Intimate" doesn't mean "romantic."

I spend much more time interacting with my work spouse than with any other co-
worker. We trust each other with things we wouldn't necessarily take to other
work friends, like plans for our careers. We also provide for each other:
snacks, Tylenol, contact solution, a fresh pen, whatever.

~~~
frgtpsswrdlame
That still just sounds like a friend...

~~~
pqs
Exactly. Friend is not a binary concept, there are many degrees of friendship.

------
bshimmin
_Only two people in McBride and Bergen’s survey reported having romantic
feelings or flirting with their work spouse._

Or perhaps: s/reported/admitted/

I honestly have no idea what this article is trying to say. I've had male and
female friends at workplaces, and those friendships have sometimes (not
always, but sometimes) continued when we stopped working together. The word
"spouse" never came into it, but the word "friend" (rather than "colleague")
certainly did, you know, after a bit.

------
1123581321
We use the terms "work brother" and "work sister" to describe this on my team.
It allows us to acknowledge close relationships without any negative
connotations.

~~~
FroshKiller
That works, too, but you don't get to choose your brothers and sisters. It
makes more sense to describe teammates like that, though, since you have to
work with them whether you like them or not.

~~~
1123581321
True. I've never thought of a work spouse as something intentionally chosen
either, though. And the term isn't used by everyone in the room to describe
everyone else. We sometimes say "work coworker" as a joke to describe
aloof/standoffish peers.

~~~
FroshKiller
I like work coworker. I'm going to use that.

The level of involvement you have with a work spouse is something you choose
to create. No one is dictating the terms of the relationship. Management can
assign you to a team and give you teammates, but they can't say that this
person or that person is your work spouse. You decide whom to confide in.

------
SCdF
Or "friends", as they once used to be called.

~~~
FroshKiller
No, I have to disagree. Personally, I have a wide gamut of relationships at
work. I'm lucky enough to work with my wife and many of my college friends,
and I have several "work friends" and a work spouse. They're all quite
different. I'd never describe my work spouse as a "friend."

~~~
SCdF
What would the differences be to you?

The article describes them as "a significant, but platonic, other whom you
pair up with at the office". To me that's what a close friend is (as opposed
to an acquaintance etc). I've definitely had friends like that at work, and
usually only one or two at any given job.

~~~
FroshKiller
Again, I'm speaking personally, I'm aware other people have different
experiences and different opinions. That said:

Work is not the most important thing in my life. A friend is a person who is
meaningful to me outside of work. A work friend is someone who is meaningful
to me only at work. I can be friends with someone from work, but that is quite
a shift that I haven't made with many people.

A work spouse is someone I'm quite a bit closer to than a work friend, but
that person still isn't a friend in the meaning I ascribe to the term.

I talk to work friends about what movies we've seen, which browser we prefer,
who has the most annoying laugh in the office, whatever. But we don't
generally talk about how we expect our reviews to go, what teams we'd like to
manage, etc.

Conversely, I do talk about that stuff with my work wife. If I'm not sure
about how best to convey that I think an assignment is a waste of time, I talk
it over with her, not with the guy on the fifth floor I exchange TV show
reviews with.

I like my work wife quite a bit, and I value her opinions and trust her with
mine, but we've never been to each other's home. We don't make plans for
weekend outings. We've never seen each other drunk. She's not a friend. If she
leaves the company, I probably won't keep in touch. Part of the point of a
work spouse is the shared experience of the place of employment. That's why
it's "work" spouse and not "professional" spouse.

I could see a work spouse becoming a close friend, sure. But one doesn't imply
the other.

~~~
hawski
Work-friend: friend only at work.

Work-spouse: close friend only at work.

Work-close-friend: work-spouse without strange connotations.

Semantics - the greatest source of long discussions.

EDIT: Better term: Close work-friend

~~~
FroshKiller
"Work close friend" is a clunky phrase, and most people in my experience
understand "work spouse" easily.

------
e40
I find the terminology off putting. Isn't it really just someone that you bond
with at work, beyond the normal day-to-day work stuff?

------
jackskell
Words mean things. Trying to be PC or "clever" to try to advance an agenda is
disingenuous.

If I had a work spouse, does that mean I get alimony when we move on? If we're
emotionally close enough to be considered "spouses" do we get special company
policies designed to give us special privileges? If we split do we get a
"work-divorce" and fight over our "child" projects"? If I have more than one
"work spouse" at a time does that make make me a "work polygamist" subject to
sanction by HR?

Let's not lose the language, people.

------
scarface74
My general rule is no appearance of impropriety now that I'm married. That
means I will usually not go to lunch alone with a female coworker we always go
in groups. I don't talk about my personal life outside of pleasantries, only
social network connection I will have is on linkedIn. Even if physical
infidelity is avoided, it's too easy to get involved in an emotional affair
with someone you spend one third of your waking weekday hours with and since
you are in the same industry, by definition you have a lot of the same
interest.

Unless it's urgent. No direct messages on Slack after work hours.

------
alexgotoi
Sometimes the spouse turns into husband/wife. Risky business

~~~
FuNe
This depends a bit on the demographics of the company but it is quite common
these days.

After all -sad as it may be- people spent an insane amount of time at work and
for lots of folks work is the only social circle they maintain.

------
lawry
The same goes with sports, school-projects, startups. Having a "partner" (as I
like to call it) motivates you a lot, and really brings the best in you out.
Also having a common goal is huge, which is something you might not always
have in love relationship.

I've also found it can bring you down if the partnership does not work out,
and you're left alone.

~~~
douche
I've never felt that way. Things are always best when they can be done alone,
and you are either measuring yourself against yourself, or against the
environment. People are unreliable and bail constantly.

~~~
FroshKiller
Your comment saddened me. As far as we know, there are only 7.5 billion people
in the entire universe. None of us would get very far alone, and on the cosmic
scale, each individual is damn close to being alone. Iron sharpens iron!

------
ainiriand
Oh god... Postmodernism at its best. Also, why is the title of the HN entry
dashed?

~~~
FuNe
Care to elaborate a bit on the Postmodernism part ?

~~~
ainiriand
Sure, there are a lot of new concepts of living in this new postmodern era,
some examples: \-
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freeganism](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freeganism)
\-
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genderqueer](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genderqueer)
\-
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Job_sharing](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Job_sharing)

There are many more examples of new concepts related to postmodernism. Really
related is the concept of 'postmodern society':
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postmodernity#Postmodern_socie...](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postmodernity#Postmodern_society)
Seriously I dont get the downvotes, but I dont care that much.

------
facepalm
So that is why everybody wants more women in tech. They are nice and
beneficial to spouse with.

~~~
david04
So. True. haha

------
torrent-of-ions
Erm.. yeah, sure it does, until the affair come to light and messes everything
up.

I can't seem to find the source data for this. Is it published?

~~~
FroshKiller
It's not an affair. You should read more closely.

~~~
torrent-of-ions
Yes, so they claim.

------
SixSigma
Watch

Episodes of 3's A Crowd, see how that works out

[https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=3%27s+a+crowd+g...](https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=3%27s+a+crowd+gameshow)

