
My Father, in Four Visits Over Thirty Years - lermontov
http://www.newyorker.com/culture/personal-history/my-father-in-four-visits-over-thirty-years
======
gknight
This one hit very close to home. I too was born in Iran. My family too
emigrated to the United States with my father staying behind. Our family too
grew up poor in the United States and managed to work very, very hard
collectively and individually to realize common measures of success in this
country.

I want to address an aspect of this piece that seems to be a bit controversial
in these comments. Many seem to be sympathetic to the father and feel that the
daughter is unappreciative and uptight. I completely understand where she's
coming from here from my own experience.

One very vivid memory I have as a child was my brother, a teenager at the
time, yelling at someone on the phone like I had never seen someone yell
before in my short life. He then slammed the phone down and ran into the
bathroom crying – one of two times I've ever seen him cry to this day.

Only a couple years ago I shared this memory with him, asking him who the hell
was on the other side of that phone call to generate that sort of reaction
from him.

It was our father. He called to see how everything was going. He was being
cheery and asking how everything was going. Things weren't going well, and he
had thrust a teenager who lived a very comfortable life back in Iran a couple
years earlier straight into the role of "man of the house." We were poor, my
brother was bullied endlessly, and my mom had become depressed.

When you've been abandoned by a father, you don't have the patience for the
"fun uncle." The abandoner wasn't there for the hard times – the bankruptcy,
the eviction, the teasing, the depression, the canned food your classmates
would donate that ended up on your table, the toys they would donate that
would end up under your Christmas tree. The abandonment is a burden that
follows you throughout life. It manifests itself in the form of insecurity,
anxiety, and/or a shitty attitude.

Sorry if that's too deep for HN, but this struck a chord with me. Dug up a
part of me that I bury way deep down.

~~~
civilitty
This sort of situation can have tragic consequences too. In high school, a
friend of mine was in the same situation: Mother and kids in the US while the
father is stuck in Iran. They were wealthy so they didn't go through the added
stresses of poverty in the US and my friend seemed to everyone to be a happy
go lucky guy. He was popular, involved in the community, and did very well at
academics but we found out too late that the stresses in the family over the
separation had developed into a drinking problem. A few days before his father
finally managed to get a Visa and arrive in the US, he got too drunk at a
party and stopped breathing. The psychological toll on the entire family is
hard to understate, even when life is otherwise good.

This kind of separation happens quite a bit within immigrant communities,
especially nationalities that have long waiting lists for green cards, let
alone undocumented immigrants. Due to some quirks in the Visa system, you have
to leave the country in order to change your status which runs the risk of
delays or outright rejection. When the parents are on separate visas, one can
get let through with the kids while the other is stuck indefinitely. Often
times that means that the parent not granted a visa becomes an undocumented
immigrant in the host nation and the other is forced to return home because
all of their stuff and financial obligation/jobs are in the US. If they can't
find a job in the host nation, the stuck parent often moves back to their
support network in their birth country, further complicating things.

~~~
tesin
I'm an Australian, originally here on E3, then H1-B, now green card. I got
stuck on just such a trip, to Barcelona. The local US embassy called the wrong
number to notify me of my updated passport (which was delivered to a post
office only a couple of blocks away, which I wouldn't find out for weeks), and
never tried again.

I was stuck for a month, with no possible way of getting back to the US. It's
a truly sickening, horrifying feeling, that the only solution is to blow up
your life and go back where you came from.

I was extremely lucky that my employers lawyers cajoled them into
communication before my money completely ran out.

------
bussierem
Reading this, I wasn't quite clear what the intent of the story was. Usually
these have some kind of moral to them, or a lesson learned, or something.

The author came across as an extremely uptight and unapologetic jerk, who
"quietly tolerated" all 4 of her lifetime visits with the man who stayed
behind to make it easier for them to escape. Every time he came to visit, he
seemed to be the "fun uncle" personality - Loud and boisterous, but always
having fun and chatting up people. He seemed to have a few problems, for sure,
but overall by the end I felt really bad for the father and rather upset at
the abysmal treatment the author gave him. If I was supposed to sympathize
with the author, they failed pretty spectacularly.

~~~
flappydev
It's very clear that the author wrote this for the reader to sympathize with
the father; the author's purpose is clearly to relate that she's made major
mistakes in her life, misplacing her relationship with her father. She even
mentions that her 'supposedly perfect marriage' [to a rich Princeton Ivy
Leaguer like her] ended up in divorce.

It's very clear the tone, and it is in no way subtle; this is a piece meant
for compassion for the father, and I assume is a cathartic release for the
author. By writing it up and admitting her faults openly, she's giving herself
the chance to forgive herself.

~~~
bussierem
While I appreciate the response and explanation, the constant hammering of how
"obvious" the point of this was is very irritating, since it is easy to see
this was not apparent to me.

~~~
eropple
I don't like the use of the word "obvious" because of the pejorative
connotations, but to me it seemed pretty self-evident when reading for effect
(rather than the read-for-"content" that seems more common around here) that
this piece should be taken as self-reflective and more than a little ironic.
It's all the little things: word choice, framing of all the characters
(author, father, author's husband, brother, brother's wife), and in particular
the structure of the ending. It's the sort of thing you read in English Comp
classes to recognize those signposts; if it's something that isn't regularly
apparent to you, maybe it's a subject worth exploring further.

~~~
Baeocystin
It was clear in its particularly East Coast Smug sort of literary
omphaloskepsis. It isn't as easy as it reads to project a constant sense of
superiority while pretending to be self-critical. I see the framing choice as
a way to separate the author from any potential agency, a story viewed from
behind glass, immutable. This conveniently absolves her of needing to actually
grow, and the messiness inherent in the process.

//

(Please note this is in no way a criticism of you, or your point, with which I
agree. But my experiences as a person who didn't live in the states until I
was a teen give me... strong opinions about children who refuse to understand
the deep sacrifices made to give them a shot (and that's what it is, just a
shot) at a better life, no guarantees.)

------
vowelless
I feel bad for the girl for not valuing family enough and I feel amazed by the
father not only for the initial sacrifice but also the subsequent seemingly
cheerful attempts to stay in touch with his daughter and son who, sadly,
seemed to have written him out.

I hope my own dad doesn't feel like I don't value his sacrifices endured while
getting us to safety decades ago during one of the wars in the middle east. I
got him out of the middle east and into Canada a few years ago (bringing
parents to the US is hard). So far, fingers crossed, he seems to have
resettled.

~~~
rtx
This is something I am always baffled by, is a western or modern thing. The
lack of remorse really disturbs me.

~~~
mmagin
Not everyone shows remorse or guilt in the same way. I think it's best for us
to avoid judging people on the basis of what we think they are feeling,
because their outward presentation of their feelings may not be what they are
actually feeling.

------
cletus
This is an interesting story but as others have commented, one without a clear
point. that's not to say that we can't draw something from it. We can. Or at
least I can.

Very tangentially I'm reminded of a book called _White Teeth_ (by Zadie Smith)
that I found compelling (I was living in England at the time).

Some others have commented that the author feels like things like children are
an imposition. Superficially, I see why, but I think that misses the point.

She hints at this in other parts. How she comes across to me is I think what
must be typical of many first generation immigrants (those first to be born in
the country or who emigrated there in childhood).

You see stories like this where a family comes to the US from Russia where
someone who was a doctor now works as a janitor to give his or her children a
better life. I think it must be common to get knocked down several rungs on
the social ladder when making this kind of move. But it's a sacrifice many
parents make for the sake of their children.

Having gone to Princeton and Harvard (as the author and her brother did), they
became fairly high achievers, which is to be applauded but is also I think the
exception. It must be a huge part of their psyche to remember where you came
from, coming to the US with nothing, living as a refugee on virtually nothing
and so on.

One affect that has on someone, and I think you have to have experienced
poverty to some degree to truly appreciate this, is the inescapable fear that
all that you've worked for in life might go away, be taken away. Those who
aren't first generation immigrants or came from money I think just don't
appreciate this lack of security as it's not something they're typically
exposed to or have any experience with.

I'm not even sure the author realizes it even though it's what I took from the
piece. Perhaps the book will explore this (the book is mentioned at the
bottom). Perhaps it's an editing snafu with the excerpt.

~~~
Swizec
Oh man this comment is perfect. I often get into arguments with my girlfriend
because she says I think about money too much and that money isn't everything.
That you should focus on living life and having fun.

Money _is_ everything. Without money you can't do any of that living life
stuff. But only someone who's experienced not having any can understand that.

~~~
lemmings19
Certainly if you live in a city, money is everything. Without it, you are
homeless and wondering where you'll sleep next or what you'll eat. Where to
shower, how you'll find work, get your hair cut, and so on. All of these
things require money to obtain, more or less.

The countryside might be a different story, if you're willing to work wherever
you can find it. Room and board on a farm perhaps; that costs nothing if you
are willing to work. Tent in a forest; this costs nothing, as anyone can
scrape together a tent and sleeping bag. Cities have no room for these things.

A bare minimum amount of money can be everything. Once you can feed and house
yourself, why not focus on life and making the best of it? I think money is
everything _until_ you can sustain the bare minimum. After that... if you
still think money is everything, you have lost sight of the rest of your life.
That or you have kids.

~~~
Swizec
> After that... if you still think money is everything, you have lost sight of
> the rest of your life.

I think a large part of it is that I've spent the first 25 or so years of my
life living hand to mouth. As such I'm probably never going to get used to the
idea that you can ever have "enough" money.

What if something happens? Is your stash really big enough to tie you over?
What if it isn't? What if ... basically I think that once you're in a money-
tight situation for a prolonged period, especially if it was when you were
growing up, that leaves a mark that's never going to go away.

As the anecdote attributed to different rich people says: "Yep, my son tips
more than I do. He's the son of a millionaire, I'm the son of a <insert poor-
ish profession>"

Maybe I hit a double whammy as well.

My girlfriend's parents emigrated to the US from a relatively well-off French
background. It's not all roses of course, but to my understanding they were
never broke broke. Her grandma, for instance, has an estate that's been in the
family for 300 years.

I emigrated to the US from a single-parent background in a postsocialist
country. My maternal grandparents went bankrupt when my mum was 15 or so, my
dad's grandparents died by the time he was 5. Great grandparents' assets were
mostly wiped out during WW2 (partially effect of war, partially socialist
redistribution of wealth). So really I have about 4 generations worth of
baggage about "Fuck we're broke!".

There's no way that doesn't have an effect on how I think.

------
jimmies
As an immigrant, I see the "American pride" a lot, which is not necessarily
healthy. That attitude of American doing everything right or better than
everyone else is apparent specially first generation immigrants who are still
riding the high horses, like the author in her early days.

Only when I had the first bitter taste of having the first series of failures
did I bother to find out that not everything that I think is right is right,
and there is not one true highway. People have different ways of living a
life. Thinking everyone who doesn't live or think the style that I do is worse
than me (especially the people and family back in the home country), is the
one thing that will lead me to my ultimate demise. It got me to the utmost
lonely, singled out, outcast feeling that I have ever experienced, despite how
many likes and support I get on social networks because of my popular idea.

------
dman
Found this poignant. I made the decision to immigrate from India to the US in
my early twenties. At the time I looked at the decision merely as a change of
address. Thirteen years later I am still struck by how much of a profound
change a "mere change in scenery" can have on basic issues of identity.

------
jackvalentine
I'd like to voice my appreciation for the discussion here.

I've read The New Yorker (and similarly targeted magazines like The Paris
Review, etc) since I opened one up to kill some time in the university
library, freshman year.

Though I've never found a place to discuss them with people like myself - I'm
not a literary kind of person though you pick up things here and there. I
identify much closer with the HN crowd.

While some of your comments make me roll my eyes for how to me it appears you
missed the point, some are genuinely enlightening and even those I don't
"like" have been valuable.

So thanks all, for talking about this article. It was interesting.

------
emilsedgh
As an Iranian with a torn apart family (me in Europe, mom and brother in the
U.S. and my father back in Iran) this was a spectacular read. Almost brought
tears to my eyes.

The situation is not exactly the same for us. We'd like to reunite as soon as
we can (but the immigration situation in the world has become an issue and we
don't know how its going to happen).

But what I relate to is my connection with my father. I love him. He loves me
immeasurably. But I cannot make the right connection with him and I feel its
mostly my fault because he tries and I fail.

Both the main story and comments were fantastic. Many thanks to the Author and
everyone here.

------
andrewem
I just (re)read a book which deals with a lot of similar themes. It's a
collection of letters to a Yiddish-language newspaper advice column which
started in 1906. Many of the letters are about immigration, including conflict
between generations who are divided by their experience of immigration, both
in families where everyone came to the US and in families where some stayed
behind in the old country.

Although the immigrants come from a different culture and a different time
than in this essay, they share many themes (keeping the old language, being
ashamed of parents who seem too attached to the old world, fitting in, etc).

[https://www.amazon.com/Bintel-Brief-Letters-Jewish-
Forward/d...](https://www.amazon.com/Bintel-Brief-Letters-Jewish-
Forward/dp/0805209808)

------
pschon
I suspect the author felt betrayed. She's sent away. She is not 40 years old.
Imagine trauma with absence of a father and who knows how the mother might
have explained it all. Nothing easier than blame. I'm sure at the first visit
she was extremely upset and trying to cope and kept coping to survive. It
seems in the end that she might have gained some empathy for her father just
at the time he lost it for her.

~~~
mnglkhn2
I think it is the father who sacrificed: Out of a family of four, he is the
one that chose to stay behind so that the other three (mother and two
children) can get to US.

Interesting fact is that we do not hear much at all about the mother.

------
skeaton
The read was a great journey. It felt very honest but in that honesty I did
not get the impression that there were good guys or bad guys in this story,
and am a little taken aback by the strong comments to the contrary here.

------
oarla
I got the impression that the author is blaming her father's decision to stay
behind, as the root of all her issues in life, including who she has become
over the course of her life.

------
VA3FXP
This was a touching story. Thank-you for sharing it.

------
msteffen
I don't understand the negative reactions to this. Emigrating to a new country
is hard, being a teenager is hard. She was frustrated with her new culture for
not accepting her and with her old culture for putting her in an impossible
position and making her an alien in the first place. I felt like this was an
honest account of what it feels like to be a refugee.

Maybe she could've done more for her Dad by moving him, but as she seemed (to
me) to say, he didn't really want that.

~~~
mnglkhn2
Maybe the mother did not help keep the image of their father in perspective.
It would be great to know how mother coped.

------
minipci1321
To all emigrants who left close family behind...

------
ajeet_dhaliwal
I wonder if they would have been better off (happier) remaining in Iran and
being together. The children basically lost their dad in order to live in the
USA. I'm not sure that's worth it.

------
Jpoechill
Had to read the entire article to get the full picture. Started off unsure,
though finally drove the point home by the end. Enlightening story; much
appreciated–

------
pjc50
A lot of people seem to be missing the culture shock involved in this.

