
When Are You Really an Adult? - lermontov
http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2016/01/when-are-you-really-an-adult/422487/?single_page=true
======
marknutter
I hold that there is one very specific moment that signifies the transition
from childhood into adulthood that is universal for all people – the moment
you first realize that when it comes down to it, _you are the only person who
is responsible for you_. That eventually, the charity of others will run out
and all that will be left is your own reflection staring back at you, at which
point you will need to decide whether or not to improve your life or check out
early.

Some people reach this point early on in their lives, and others very late.
Some people only reach it after undergoing a difficult period and still others
reach it with very little drama or pain. I didn't personally come to this
realization until I hit my "rock bottom". People never stop feeling sorry for
you, but eventually, everyone stops trying to help. When it clicked, though,
it changed my life. I've never been the same since, and I believe that's
because I made the transition from being a child to becoming an adult.

~~~
rprospero
I'd say that the realization that _you are the only person who is responsible
for you_ is only half-way there. I'd say that full adulthood realization is
that _you are the only person responsible for you, but you are_ still
_responsible for other people_.

The reason I say that is I've know individuals who have taken the first mantra
to mean that they hold no responsibilities to other people. That it is, in a
reductio ad absurdum, that a driver has no responsibility to stay off the
sidewalk and that the onus should lie entirely on the pedestrians to dodge her
vehicle.

~~~
intopieces
> but you are still responsible for other people.

I couldn't disagree with this any more. I've spent years and years of my life
trying to be responsible for other people, trying to make their lives the way
I thought they 'should' be -- helping people find jobs, encouraging them to do
x/y/z. I'd come into people's lives and it'd be like I walked into an old
house: "Let's just fix this here, and that there, and pretty soon you'll be so
much better than you were before."

What an utter waste of time for both parties. Turns out I don't know anything
about what's best for other people, and hardly what's best for myself. My life
has been much less stressful since accepting that. I'll gladly lend a hand to
a friend who asks for it -- but the 'responsible for other people' phase of my
life is over.

~~~
Retric
My father used to say your not an adult until your third child. I think his
point was it's not about being independent so much as juggling responsibly
when you can't make everyone happy.

~~~
mrexroad
this.

i've joked before that parenting 3+ young kids is really just figuring out how
to ensure one doesn't get neglected any more or less than the others or that
it's switching from man-to-man to zone defense. either way, you reach a point
where the time/energy/money required to give your loved ones what they need no
longer comes from "you" (your sleep/hobbies/friends), but has to be taken from
what you can give your other loved ones as you are already maxed
physically/mentally/financially. it's then not a matter of "doing everything
you can" anymore, but trying to do the "right things" that you can, and
balancing consequences of which are dropped and hoping you can mitigate in
future. sometimes it works, sometimes it hurts.

friends will then joke "and that's why i'm never having kids" or "that's why
we're only having one", but it's not "worse", just different.

~~~
vinceguidry
I personally have made a lot of decisions oriented around the inevitability of
this dynamic. I let friends fall away after they move across town or just
otherwise lose the ability to stop seeing me regularly. I've walked away from
commitments where I'd lost every single reason why I'd made the commitment in
the first place, I don't do this lightly. I've let myself become estranged
from family for the sole reason they didn't adequately value the effort I went
to to see them.

One or two children will be all I have, I am never going to start a startup,
band, or other such long shot waste of time. I only have so much to give, and
I ultimately will always put myself first, because when I put myself first,
the quality of what I have to give to the people I truly care about and who
care about me goes way up. The people who fall short of that all have their
own lives that I am not and never will be responsible for. I've learned this
the hard way too many times.

~~~
Yhippa
I am so afraid of letting people fall away like you do. I have no idea why.
There's something in me that says to keep in touch with everyone. Your way is
much more productive.

~~~
vinceguidry
It's hard to close your life off in a healthy way. You have to think hard
about things you probably would rather just not think of. Just yesterday a
friend of mine miscommunicated with me, causing me to drive 45 mins in rush
hour traffic to wait for him in an empty bar for two hours before I went home.

I was livid. I fired off an angry text when he asked me where I was and he
chose to argue rather than apologize. In these kinds of situations you have to
decide when, why, and how, and whether to cut them off.

I decided that I would use the same rule for him as I do for my lady friends.
Always meet somewhere I know and am comfortable with, never somewhere new.
That way if they don't show up it's not a total loss. Also never drive
anywhere but home, the coffee shop, or my bar right after work. The better and
more flexible and more intelligent boundaries you put up, the more and better
people you'll bring into your life.

But it takes fearlessness and guts.

~~~
dennisgorelik
What was your friend's excuse for not showing up for the meeting he had set
up?

------
russnewcomer
I've frequently thought this over the past few years, and I feel like the
conclusion I have is different than others in this thread.

I don't becoming an adult is really about you, exactly. It's not about your
independence, or your actions.

It's about when other people become dependent on you.

I think this is the way that it has long been thought of in cultures outside
of the post-Enlightenment West. This was my strong opinion after reading
Dostoyevsky, Tolstoy, (Russia isn't western like the rest of Europe) and
Aquinas, Augustine, and Aristotle. I think that this is in part what the
Apostle Paul is saying in 1 Corinithians 13:11 (
[http://www.esvbible.org/1+Corinthians+13%3A11/](http://www.esvbible.org/1+Corinthians+13%3A11/)
), where you'll note that he doesn't say the equivalent of stopping to be like
a child meant I had become a man, but rather I became a man, so I stopped
being like a child.

I think about soldiers I have met and know. They change when they get to NCO
status. I think of the boys I have met from North Omaha, which is arguably one
of the worst places in America for young African American males, and that
there is a difference between the ones who are the oldest in their families
and the ones who are the youngest, even if they are the same age. And I think
of my friends, and how we've changed when we've had kids, or when someone
started a business and got ( real, not just one of his buddies-while-still-in-
high-school ) employees.

Adulthood isn't about you, it's about your relationship to others.

~~~
wordbank
Duh, sorry, but the culture and history of Russia (and neighboring slavic
countries) is an example of how to run away from all sorts of
responsibilities.

Probably it sounds good in our classic books but in reality the only "other
people become dependent on you" case is nepotism like in Middle Eastern or
Central Asian cultures.

But at least people from these cultures care about their elders and far
relatives. Russians do not.

~~~
Nimitz14
What a silly comment.

~~~
wordbank
What a thought through objection!

Here's a perfect example of the "responsible" Russian culture:
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=438sGy9IE58](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=438sGy9IE58)

This video is not fake - I've experienced this kind of alienation (and even
hostility) for over 20 years.

~~~
Nimitz14
russnewcomer never implied that Russia had a responsible culture. I think you
misunderstood his post. For some reason you decided to use his comment as a
soapbox to broadcast your own views. Your comment is a non-sequitur (look it
up).

And by the way, fwiw as somebody with multiple citizenships, including
American and Russian, I prefer the Russian attitude. People can have different
opinions. ;)

~~~
wordbank
All people are talking to broadcast their views.

In this case I just opposed to these statements because I thought he had some
utopian views of life there:

> It's about when other people become dependent on you.

> I think this is the way that it has long been thought of in cultures outside
> of the post-Enlightenment West. This was my strong opinion after reading
> Dostoyevsky, Tolstoy, (Russia isn't western like the rest of Europe)

Nothing in Russian culture is "long been thought" about responsibility. You
could say it about Japanese or Korean cultures probably - people kill
themselves there because of failed responsibilities.

~~~
russnewcomer
I don't have any utopian view of life in Russia or anywhere. And I was not
intending to make a statement about modern Russia or really Russian culture,
more about my observations from reading classic Russian literature. I think
modern Russia has, like America, a confluence of old and new philosophies that
contend with each other, and produce different results different places in
culture.

But in my thinking on this subject, at least, there is a difference between
dependency and responsibility that I think maybe doesn't come across the best.

~~~
wordbank
Understood, sorry if I sounded rude then.

I've encountered many stereotypes on this topic from non-Russian russophiles
in the last politically-intensive years - that's why I responded hotheadedly.

------
ergothus
I'm approaching 40. I've never been "aimless", and while I can definitely
increase how often I take responsibility, I'm doing well. I own a house, am
married, taking care of my mother, employed, socking money away in a 401k
(probably not fast enough, but it's happening).

...and I've never felt like an adult. I can have the weird dichotomy of having
friends young enough to have missed everything I relate to my childhood,
friends that I consider "adult", and yet I still feel like I did when I
graduated college.

I have talked with CEOs and VPs or just other coders that are younger than I,
yet I "feel" like they are older, more experienced.

I have no idea when I'm really an adult, but I don't expect it will be soon.

~~~
dizzystar
I was talking to a coworker about this. She is 26 and I said "you honestly
don't change, like ever."

Granted, I skipped the part about changes that are surprising, but mentally,
we are who we are and that feeling of youth never really left me (nearing 40).

I think that there is only two phases. The day you stop reinventing yourself
and exploring possibilities, allow yourself to live in a rut, spend more time
in front of a TV than out exploring the constantly changing world, and have
nothing to show for the past year's effort but a beer belly, is the day you
die. I wonder if that is what was meant by adulthood at one time in the past.

As for feeling "younger" than younger people, well, I've always been sort of
an old soul, but I think most people would consider my somewhat childish
because I don't think about or talk about my experiences too much. I try to
live in the moment and don't feel like I should share some aged wisdom. Life
is more interesting and insightful with laughter, IMO.

~~~
ap3
Feel the same way here (about mentally being the same person)

I look at my 90 grandmother and think 'damn she still sees herself as 19 too'

------
aNoob7000
Boom... Like being a parent or taking care of parents.

For me it was when I got married. At first it was like cool and then it dawned
on me that as head of household, I was responsible for more than just ME!

Once my kids were born, a different type of adulthood settled in. The
decisions that I had made earlier in my life about things like moving,
finances, and doing stupid things on the weekends with my wife weren't as easy
to make or not even possible.

And now as time has passed, I've had to deal with aging parents. I now talk
with my mom and dad as an adult and not a child. Our discussions when dealing
with serious topics related to health or family now weigh heavier on me. I now
carry a sense of responsibility with me that I just can't shake.

For me the moment I entered adulthood was the moment I couldn't shake my
responsibilities anymore. I also want to point out that I choose to be
responsible. Could I decide tomorrow to be irresponsible? Hell yes, but I
choose not to because I have people that depend on me.

One last thing, being an adult does not stop me from doing kid like things. I
still play plenty of video games like my favorite Black OPS 3 (many hours have
been thrown into that black hole of time) and watch cartoons like Bleach (soap
opera for nerds).

My two cents worth.

------
existencebox
I never really liked this question. The article even states verbatim why I
have this feeling. "Adulthood is a social construct."

So when we're saying "are you an adult?" I'd like to ask what are we REALLY
getting at. An ability to handle X class of situations? An ability to make X
levels of abstract reasoning about social processes? There are so many and so
variable a set of objective and subjective markers that any sort of broad
statement seems useless, at best, deceptive and detracting from the actual
markers at worst.

I had a conversation with my father once, something along the lines of, "We
really all just get better at pretending, don't we?"

I'm not sure what my "Central point" of this post is, (and it's far from my
more rigorously argued ones) so take it as a collection of thoughts on how
I've found the most "personal enlightenment" regarding adulthood, as a rather
transparent contrived construct; realizing this was (perhaps ironically given
my thesis on this) my internal moment of "I have reached adulthood".

------
coffeemug
"There is a time in the life of every boy when he for the first time takes the
backward view of life. Perhaps that is the moment when he crosses the line
into manhood. The boy is walking through the street of his town. He is
thinking of the future and of the figure he will cut in the world. Ambitions
and regrets awake within him. Suddenly something happens; he stops under a
tree and waits as for a voice calling his name. Ghosts of old things creep
into his consciousness; the voices outside of himself whisper a message
concerning the limitations of life. From being quite sure of himself and his
future he becomes not at all sure. If he be an imaginative boy a door is torn
open and for the first time he looks out upon the world, seeing, as though
they marched in procession before him, the countless figures of men who before
his time have come out of nothingness into the world, lived their lives and
again disappeared into nothingness. The sadness of sophistication has come to
the boy. With a little gasp he sees himself as merely a leaf blown by the wind
through the streets of his village. He knows that in spite of all the stout
talk of his fellows he must live and die in uncertainty, a thing blown by the
winds, a thing destined like corn to wilt in the sun. He shivers and looks
eagerly about. The eighteen years he has lived seem but a moment, a breathing
space in the long march of humanity. Already he hears death calling. With all
his heart he wants to come close to some other human, touch someone with his
hands, be touched by the hand of another. If he prefers that the other be a
woman, that is because he believes that a woman will be gentle, that she will
understand. He wants, most of all, understanding."

------
javajosh
There is a mode of adulthood that is dangerous and worth mentioning, which is
a kind of hard-hearted acceptance that the world isn't fair, life is full of
suffering, and there's nothing you (or anyone) can do about except suck it up
and keep going. There's a kind of grim determination to continue despite not
wanting to. Maybe it's because you have people depending on you, or maybe it's
because you're just very stubborn. To some extent, I associate this mode with
the opening scene of "There Will Be Blood" when Daniel Day Lewis' character is
injured and spares not a single moment on despair, or self-pity, and gets
himself out of a miserable situation, against the odds.

In this mode, there is little time or urge for compassion, or play, or joy.
You are a cog in a large machine that values you only and precisely according
to your economic function, who's body participates in multiple overlapping
patterns of decay, and that's it. Maybe, if you're religious, you can look
forward to a happy afterlife (and indeed one can imagine the role of religion
in such a person's life is to offer a reason to _not_ act out on the rage that
inevitably underlies such an existence).

Almost everyone on HN is lucky to not have to endure this (or at least, for
any length of time). And indeed, startups cannot succeed with that grimness.
You must maintain your sense of play and joy, I think, to be successful in
this space, because this is the most playful and joyful part of the economy!
We make stuff that makes people go "ooh" and "ahh", and how can you really do
that if you're an adult?

~~~
Robin_Message
This makes me think of the Tribal Leadership book and talk
([https://www.ted.com/talks/david_logan_on_tribal_leadership/t...](https://www.ted.com/talks/david_logan_on_tribal_leadership/transcript?language=en)
).

Their model has 5 stages. Stage 1 is 'life sucks' and stage 2 is 'my life
sucks'. What you describe fits between those stages. Their ideas about stages
beyond that are pretty interesting.

------
Raphmedia
You are an adult when people stop caring for you and you start caring for
other.

There is a transition when people stop caring for you and you care for
yourself but for no one else yet. We call this teens.

Call it what you want, it's not really age dependant. We have simply put words
on psychological changes and tied them with age.

Some people become adults at 12 years old. Other at 40. I've met "adults" that
are only tall children and children that are short adults.

------
norea-armozel
I'm barely an adult. Partly because of my bad childhood where I wasn't
accepted by my parents and peers as trans. And partly my fault for not getting
my proverbial head out of my own ass (therapy, transitioning, finishing my
grad degree). Now at 35 I'm just growing up. And I don't mean the basic stuff
like keeping a budget and showing up for work doing a good job. I'm talking
about making my own circle of friends, actually being me (gender transition),
and not being so craven to get outside of my comfort zone. It just seems to me
adulthood is that one thing you can't ever be prepared for either. >_> /rant

------
acconrad
Good grief that was a really long-winded way of saying "it depends on the
person".

~~~
TranquilMarmot
I got about halfway through, then kept scrolling to see how long it really
was, especially since I felt that I had gotten the gist of the article... WAY
too long for what could be succinctly described in a page or two.

------
rikkus
Kipling gave it some thought:
[http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/175772](http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/175772)

------
egru
When you own a tarp.

~~~
dsfyu404ed
Most teenagers in rural or semi-rural areas are adults by that definition...

------
wglb
Bah. I think the question itself is silly.

The whole topic is centered around _Adulthood is a social construct. For that
matter, so is childhood._ And, at some level, you should realize the
classification is, well, hogwash.

I first drove a truck when I was 11. My dad drove tractor all summer starting
when he was 9. The 3 year old in Dune killed dying enemy soldiers when 3.
These are all presumably adult activities. I substantially took care of a farm
at the age of 12.

If you are lucky enough to figure out who you are at a young age, the rest is
semi-interesting narrative.

Forget the classifications that others would impose on you. Do what you love,
and the rest will sort itself out.

I once had the following conversation with my daughter, i think when she was
15. I said, a bit tongue in cheek, "Be patient with your parents, as they are
only now catching up to the notion of who you are, or were, and know they will
know no more about you or your life than you did when you were six." She gave
a silent smile.

------
x3n0ph3n3
Lots of parents here claiming they are more adult than non-parents...

~~~
TranquilMarmot
Right. As if somehow having children makes you more mature. I know plenty of
parents who are just as immature as before they had kids.

~~~
nommm-nommm
Seriously. Case in point, my dad.

There's nothing special about having kids in and of itself. You don't have to
have any skill to do it, in fact you have to do something to avoid it. Plenty
of people don't even raise their children and from the ones that do there is
plenty who, while perhaps have their children living in their house, don't
really raise them or care for them much other than giving them food and
shelter. Then there is those who take pleasure in abusing their children.

Like everything in life it is what you choose to do with it that actually
matters.

Worshipping someone for just simply for having a child is stupid.

------
sdegutis
I'm 30, married, have 4 kids (with one on the way), own a house, and have a
good job. But I cannot grow a mustache or beard, except for a small patch
under my chin; the best I can do is literally a neck beard. I'll never feel
like an adult. Ever.

~~~
beccasanchez
This is hilarious. But do you realize you're implying that women can't be
adults?

The discussion sounds a lot like 'when do you become a man' than it does 'when
do you become an adult.'

For instance, most women throughout history were financially dependent on
their husband. They would not make independent decisions. They were not solely
responsible.

Did that mean they weren't adults?

The 20-30% of women who still become stay at home moms... they can't grow a
beard... they are dependent on their husband or parents for money...

~~~
h4waii
Are you serious? Disregarding the fact that it was never stated what sex the
poster was...

They said "I'll never feel like an adult". Emphasis on I'LL and FEEL. Not
NOBODY, or EVERYONE, nor IS or BE. I'LL FEEL. Completely personal question, to
a completely subjective answer -- yet you came here and contort their response
in some misguided attempt to be upset with someone on the Internet so you can
feel something.

Come on.

~~~
beccasanchez
I was actually laughing out loud because I thought the image of him not
feeling like an adult because of his patchy beard was very comical.

You (and other posters) are the ones being all touchy. I've got 14 downvotes
for pointing out the paraplegic/housewife angle.

HN is not too friendly toward basic philosophical inquiries!

~~~
sdegutis
I think you were downvoted for using a straw man fallacy. I wasn't saying
adulthood was defined in terms of beards. Just that I don't feel like an adult
because of my lack of beard. Man, I'd even settle for a great mustache. But
nope, nothing.

~~~
beccasanchez
... and I was making the observation that if a beard is the sign of an adult,
then women can't be adults.

Are you sure you feel like an adult, or are you talking about feeling like a
man?

This isn't a meaningless distinction, and it also doesn't need to be
offensive. Alas, it seems if I want to have public philosophical discussions I
should go back to 300 BC.

~~~
sdegutis
I dunno.

------
InclinedPlane
Adulthood, maturity, is fundamentally about responsibility. Are you a person
who is always seeking the help of others or are you a person who is
substantially self-reliant and who others go to for help? That's the dividing
line for adulthood.

Notice that this has nothing to do with style, fashion, or entertainment
choices. You can drink scotch, smoke cigars, wear suits every day, and drive a
luxury automobile, that doesn't make you more mature. And you can chew
bubblegum, watch cartoons, play videogames, wear jeans and hoodies, that
doesn't make you less mature.

------
j45
The moment my dad said his only worry for me was making sure I was able to
learn and handle being responsible for myself and responsibilities I'd have
for my life including others.. to realize I had already been doing it for a
bit.

Beyond that, I think as an adult it's a critical moment to realize it's not
about what you get from the world, but what you are able to give, and your
ability to think about others as much as you think for your self is critical
when you have to work and function with any combination of working in the
world, relationships, family and kids.

------
joefkelley
As someone who considers himself very recently an adult, the quick and dirty
and only-half-joking rule of thumb among my peers is whether someone is paying
for their own cell phone plan.

------
Outdoorsman
I think you're probably an adult when you transition from the role of being
"protected", by some one, or some entity, to the role of "protector"...

That is, you've managed your own affairs so that you're now in a position to
help others who need help managing theirs...

That's the cornerstone of a healthy and productive society--accomplished
elders mentoring the young on a consistent basis...

------
anonbanker
Adulthood is defined by extreme personal responsibility.

I didn't consider making a baby adulthood, or getting a $100k/year job to be
adulthood. If anything, I was _less_ responsible for my own actions
(ballooning to 360lbs), because I started focusing on the things I _had_ to
do, and let my personal development stop due to _not having time_.

Oddly, I realized and _grasped_ the concept that I had to take responsibility
for my actions at around 19. But thinking that I had to check these checkboxes
off my "Steps to Adulthood" list, I put off everything else in order to
achieve it. I didn't actually achieve adulthood from that path, I just had the
trappings and _appearance_ of adulthood. But I was still about 13 years old
inside.

I didn't consider myself an adult until the second time I made a judge run out
of the courtroom (I declared a de jure court mid-sentencing after serving him
notice of that right). The actual reason is less than relevant, but it was the
taking control of my potential, and using it responsibly to help someone else,
that brought me to adulthood.

~~~
Kapow
>declared a de jure court

What does this mean? Google has no results for that phrase, using any verb
tense.

~~~
tfgg
Appears to be a UK "Freeman on the land" [1,2] alternative legal theory. Can't
work out much else since it's pretty incoherent.

[1]
[http://www.fmotl.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=1693](http://www.fmotl.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=1693)

[2]
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freemen_on_the_land](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freemen_on_the_land)

~~~
anonbanker
It's extraordinarily rude to associate someone with known terrorists and
extremists. especially without proof.

------
Confusion
I'm not sure Thoreau is such a great example of an adult. As [1] argues

    
    
      The real Thoreau was, in the fullest sense of the word, 
      self-obsessed: narcissistic, fanatical about 
      self-control, adamant that he required nothing beyond 
      himself to understand and thrive in the world.
      [..]
      “Walden” is less a cornerstone work of environmental 
      literature than the original cabin porn: a fantasy about 
      rustic life divorced from the reality of living in the 
      woods, and, especially, a fantasy about escaping the 
      entanglements and responsibilities of living among other 
      people.
    

Much of which, as many here argue, is essential to 'being an adult'.

[1] [http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/10/19/pond-
scum](http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/10/19/pond-scum)

------
tinalumfoil
> “Chronological age is not a particularly good indicator [of maturity], but
> it’s something we need to do for practical purposes,”

This may be anecdotal, but I've found a very strong association between age
and maturity in my life, especially under 25. If you were to do a blind chat
with a 10, 15, 20 and 25 year old do you really believe you wouldn't be able
to place them accordingly?

But maybe this is just my own biases deluding me. I'd like to think I'm a
better man than I was 5 years ago, and will continue to be a better one 5
years in the future. Then again, is maturity really defined as being "a better
(wo)man", because according to dictionary.com it's defined by age.

Either way I'd be curious for that professor's full quote. Maybe if we could
replace "[maturity]" with what she actually said it would shed some insight on
what exactly we're talking about.

------
theseatoms
How about financial independence?

EDIT; key sentence below:

> Over the course of his research on this, Jensen Arnett has zeroed in on what
> he calls “the Big Three” criteria for becoming an adult, the things people
> rank as what they most need to be a grown-up: taking responsibility for
> yourself, making independent decisions, and becoming financially
> independent.

~~~
johnchristopher
> How about financial independence?

Lot of adults are running away from their responsibilities even though they
are financially independent.

Edit: sorry, had not seen the edit when replying.

~~~
theseatoms
And one can accurately describe that behavior as "childish."

------
mikeash
Being an adult is when you realize that nobody else knows what the hell
they're doing either.

------
jxramos
One definition I was fond of and struck by hearing was that you're not an
adult when you can take care of yourself but when you can take care of others.
We could qualify that all sorts of ways but its short and pithy form makes it
stick in the mind well.

------
gricardo99
The day I got excited about ordering a new vacuum cleaner.

I can't say I definitively crossed the threshold of adulthood that day, but
the kid in me grieved. He was no longer in control... of everything ;) There
was now a "grown-up" in charge.

~~~
kaybe
Did you get a roomba? There are vacuum cleaners out there that warrant a
little excitement. :)

------
FussyZeus
I believe it's the moment when other people come to you for help, be it money,
advice, work, etc. When you're a spigot instead of a bucket. I think that's
about the simplest definition possible.

------
sireat
"At about age 22 or 23, the brain is pretty much done developing, according to
Steinberg, who studies adolescence and brain development."

"Adult plasticity still allows for modifications to the brain, but at that
point, the neural structures aren’t going to change."

The above changes to neuroplasticity really hit me hard when I restarted
college in my 30s.

Despite "passing" for a 20some student, I realized I learned differently than
my younger colleagues.

I had to rely on association with my previous knowledge quite a bit more.

Learning something completely new became near impossible hill to climb.

------
brightball
You become an adult at the point you have a significant (meaning, major life
impact) responsibility to at least one other person.

That can come from (examples):

1\. Becoming a parent (most people) 2\. Becoming an employer (who's employees
depend on you and the business for their livelyhood) 3\. Other examples that
you can come up with

At the point that your actions, decisions, the way you present yourself, how
you spend money, etc have consequences for more than just you is the point
where you really grow up.

When it's all about you, you don't really have responsibilities you just have
stuff to do.

------
AlexWest
Hasn't 'twenty-something', in the popular vernacular usage, already taken on
the meaning of a distinct life phase (not quite adult, not still adolescent)?

------
squozzer
One possible marker of adulthood is achieving a goal after suffering a major
setback. For instance, flunking out of college, then transferring elsewhere
and obtaining a degree. Or along the same vein, seeing a difficult project
through to the end, when everyone has bailed. Lest I sound too self-
congratulatory, one could say I am too dumb to know when to quit.

------
vdnkh
For me, feeling like an adult means feeling more like myself. It's like
there's a core being of who I am, independent of all other factors, which
becomes more prominent over time. I suppose it's tangential to the current top
post - "when it comes down to it, you are the only person who is responsible
for you".

------
yarou
Notions of adulthood vary from culture to culture.

In many cultures, after an arbitrary rite of passage, children are considered
"adults".

I think, personally, the point at which one becomes an adult is acknowledging
the bitter and harsh truth of reality. In some sense, it may be better to
remain a child forever, ignorantly blissful.

------
mhuangw
I didn't start feeling like an adult until around age 21, and it took multiple
failings and heavy introspection to get to that point. However, I'm glad I had
the experiences I did, even though it was pretty rough at times, because they
made me a better person and shaped me for the future.

------
SCAQTony
The problem with the Atlantic is that it takes them so long "to land the
plane." Always terribly long articles. What I got from it is that 18-year
olds, or not really adults, should not be going to war since their full brain
development is about 5-years away.

------
biot
You're an adult when you no longer give a shit about doing or saying things
that others may think are childish. At some point you come to realize that
nobody else can dictate what should or shouldn't make you happy.

------
peter303
I couldnt wait to get out and go to college. On my 18th birthday I left, was
totally financially for myself. I lived on my own, could legally drink, vote
and sign contracts. It was no big deal and I never looked back.

------
narag
I remember 26 yo as a turning point for me and most friends around. Not a
total change in personality, but we stopped acting like crazy hooligans. OTOH,
almost doubling that age, I still feel a little less naive each year.

------
graycat
"When are you really an adult?"

When you become your own mother and father in the sense that you supply for
yourself the sense of judgment, responsibility, and diligence you first got
from your parents.

------
firewalkwithme
You are an adult when every single day consists of doing things you do not
want to do. You just do them. Either because you must, or because you have
responsibilty or guilt.

~~~
justncase80
So an adult is a slave? Yikes.

When you're a kid the appeal of growing up is getting to do whatever you want.

------
pnathan
Two points I find have defined it for myself.

* When I lived by myself. I had to do it if it was to get done.

* When what I paid for myself was by me or depended on me and took on all responsibility for debts.

------
lloyd-christmas
When you realize that commercials are targeting you.

------
visarga
Funny, I once heard someone say you are really an adult when you finally
change your winter tires before it starts to snow.

------
underpantsgnome
The Atlantic just wants you to feel insecure about your level of maturity so
they can sell you shit.

------
orasis
You're not an adult until you have children or aging parents to care for.

------
transfire
Never.

~~~
MawNicker
I don't know why you were down-voted. Too terse maybe? It's just another label
with moving goal posts. A carrot for those who seek identity. Your answer was
short and sweet albeit a tad sour.

10/10: Utterly accurate. Perfect signal/noise. Would read again.

~~~
transfire
LOL. Well put. Would do the same :)

------
hkmurakami
IMO the moment we become adults is when we become responsible for a life other
than our own.

This may be a S.O., a child, a parent, etc.

