

Ask HN: Have any of you successfully tried the whole social skydiving thing ?  - abbacd

have any of you actually tried to successfully get out of your introverted/shy self ?<p>i feel extremely frustrated as i am not really able to sustain a conversation with anyone or everyone i meet nowadays. (exception: some friends from back in school)<p>i read the social skydive blog posts, and tried to give it a try, but it was a complete failure. (are there books on how to learn small talk?)<p>i have only dated/been in a relationship with one girl, and that was in high school(it lasted 2+ years). i am now 24, and i work for myself (web.design, nothing too fancy), and i have been
extremely frustrated.<p>for the past couple of days, all i did was watch soccer, work on some projects, and read a lot of material on the fastseduction website. its not so much about girls, i find myself unable to have a decent conversation even with guys.<p>i thought i had some psychological problem, and went to see a doctor, and i was able to talk to her, and after mentioned everything, she did not diagnose me with all the problems that i thought i could have had, and she said i was fine, and that i need to get out more often. i am going to see another doctor next week, but in the mean time i was wondering whether any of you have had similar experiences, and how you dealt with it. i also read up a lot of the fast.seduction link that i found on some old post that wasn't completely related to my situation, and it seems too good to be true.<p>i would love any feedback. its friday and i am probably going to just get out of my apartment for exercise, and may be groceries.<p>please help.<p>*throwaway account
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BobbyH
If you have trouble having conversations, there's a real easy fix: ask
questions about things that other people are interested in.

Let's say you and I are talking:

* Me: I'm a lawyer [not true, just an example]

* You: Oh yeah? What kind of lawyer are you?

* Me: I practice international law.

* You: Wow, that sounds really interesting. How'd you get into that?

If you sincerely express interest in what I'm interested in, I will enjoy
talking to you. Actually, even if you don't really care about a topic, if
somebody else is passionate about it, the topic will be interesting. I learned
about this from Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People, which
is a great book you should read. I read this book in 7th grade and it changed
my life.

If I were you, I would focus first on mastering social conversations with
guys, before focusing on girls. I would also steer away from the PickUp Artist
(PUA) community until comfortable talking to guys. At that point, you may want
to check out The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists by
Neil Strauss.

Also, it sounds like you have mild social phobias. I would solve this with
exposure therapy (<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exposure_therapy>). In other
words, if you go to some events and mingle, your stem-brain will get over its
mild social phobia. A great place to start is meetings at your local
Toastmasters.

In summary, rather than look for a quick hack, I would focus on achieving
small victories, like attending Toastmasters meeting regularly, and getting
better at conversation.

Good luck man!

~~~
alfredp
+++ for the Toastmasters suggestion. It's not so much the public speaking
practice, but also the mingling pre and post meeting that would help.

------
mindcrime
It's taken me a long time, but I have successfully gone from being extremely
shy and introverted to a state where I'm fairly outgoing and can converse
/mingle with strangers with relative ease. I'm still not the best when it
comes to dealing with girls, but I think that's as much because I'm simply a
quirky, geeky guy at heart, as any residual shyness. I do approach attractive
women in bars and clubs, or bookstores, or cafes, or at the grocery store, and
talk to them, and sometimes get their phonenumbers and later go out with them.
So yeah, it can be done, if that's what you're wondering.

Don't expect miracles overnight though. Just keep working at it, and take any
"small victories" you can get. Something that is somewhat effective is to go
to a mall and walk into all sorts of retail stores and talk to the sales
people... they're basically paid to be nice to you, so unless you're so
socially awkward that you say something totally inappropriate, or unless you
smell funny, or something, you should be able to chit-chat for at least a few
minutes. Just keep doing that and over time you'll find it easier and easier.

Talking to guys is important too. The stuff on fastseduction.com is good, but
don't forget that you'll want to be able to be sociable with everybody, guys
and girls. That has all sorts of applications... the more comfortable you are
making small-talk and shooting the breeze with other guys, the easier it will
be to meet girls. Sounds counter-intuitive, but trust me, it's true.

If you really want to experiment a bit, you can try something that Ross
Jeffries suggests. The idea is to try to start a conversation in a way that
_should_ get you rejected and totally blown off... it's conditioning to get
used to the idea that talking to people is just a game and really no big deal.
It goes something like this... go to the mall, walk around, and approach
somebody and go "Excuse me, my name is Manny the Martian... what's your
favorite flavor of bowling ball?"

There are also a lot of good books on how to make small-talk and how to deal
with people. You'll usually find them in the "self-help" section at a
bookstore. Something like "How to Win Friends and Influence People" would
probably be useful to you.

But yeah, unless you have some serious deep-rooted psychological mumbo-jumbo
going on, simply going out and putting some effort into talking to people
should help, eventually.

Oh, one last thing... make it a point to keep up with what's going on in the
world, so you'll have stuff to talk about and so you'll understand comments
other people make. As stupid as it sounds, a quick brush through and issue of
Star or People every now and then isn't a bad idea, just to know a little
"celebrity gossip." I don't mean get addicted to following that crap, but at
least have a vague notion of what people mean if they say "So, what about that
thing with Brad and Jen?" or whatever. Maybe check the headlines on Google
News or a local newspaper before going out as well. If you carry a smartphone
with 'net access, just check the news while you're out and if there's an
interesting headline, there's your conversation opener. "Hey, did you guys see
this... BP's CEO was found hung in his home last night!!" or whatever.

------
stoney
Steve Pavlina has a couple of interesting blog posts about this kind of thing,
possibly worth a read if you haven't seen them already:

[http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/09/how-to-go-from-
intr...](http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/09/how-to-go-from-introvert-to-
extrovert/)

[http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/09/a-question-for-
intr...](http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/09/a-question-for-introverts/)

[EDIT] The second link is more something for you to think about than useful
information

------
maxdemarzi
Go to a meet-up on meetup.com or something. Pick something you are interested
in and fits your profile (not the lesbian biker meet-ups). Get there early and
be a "greeter" of sorts so you introduce yourself to everyone. Act like a
newbie and ask questions, people are more than happy to show off their
knowledge if you let them.

Go from there.

~~~
abbacd
thanks for the greeter idea. i guess in the past i arrive just on time and get
lost/left-out in the conversations. will surely give it a shot.

------
bh42
Imagine you hadn't run since you were a little kid. Then one day you realize
this isn't healthy and you decide to start jogging. And you then find out you
can even jog for 20 minutes at a time! Is something wrong with you? No, you
just need A LOT of practice and go slow.

This is exactly the same thing. To repeat an often repeated phrase: Social
skills are called skills because they require practice!

Same with learning how to play the guitar.

So just keep doing it, when ever you find yourself with any other humans, open
your mouth and say ANYTHING.

Keep doing that, it will get better.

~~~
noname123
Funny, as someone who took up guitar and pick-up skills, I would have to
respectfully disagree.

You can be the best guitar player with the fastest fingers or with the
huskiest male-acoustic singer-songwriter-voice, and still can't laid or get
signed to a contract. For evidence, just go to your local city's public square
or subway station and see all of the talents out there, strumming their hearts
out, alone.

Social skills is a misnomer; it is not a skill but rather a shell/skinning/GUI
to present the contents underneath. Having lots of friends or gfs would not
validate your causes (I'm talking about intrinsic causes) and vice versa too
for lackthereof a social life. Social skills are just a set of fancy ways to
announce to the world, that "I'm single, and I'm ready to mingle."

Sorry about being blunt, but it's just I feel like a lot of people confuse
these two area's in their lives (not saying that one's social life isn't as
important; one can't fight against one's biology) and take one for the other;
and try to use social superficiality to resolve their intrinsic goals and come
off vapid; or try to work on their personal projects in hopes to bolster their
social lives and come off frustrated and lonely.

------
noname123
Social skydiving, or rather to put it bluntly, picking up chicks is a lot like
debugging a program or riding a roller-coaster.

The first time you do it, there are so much anxiety, what if the person I'm
talking to just snub me out, walk away, or starts to point at me and laugh out
loud at me while other people are standing around me?

But that is not the point. The point is feeling that high that comes from
overriding your sense of inhibition, so in that sense, it doesn't matter what
the other person say, but that you are getting away from saying
outrageous/assertive/shocking/amusing things to people and you absolutely
don't give a fuck about what they think about you but that it feels right that
you yourself are saying it.

Good luck but you don't need my blessing/permission to say whatever you want
to whoever you want,

Also, for Rome, go where the romans go. go to reddit's subreddit seduction or
StyleLife forum for proper advice.

------
HeyLaughingBoy
The theory is simple: just talk to people.

The practice is a bit harder, but you have to do it. Smile at the cashier at
the grocery and say something simple e.g., ask how the day is going.

You will sound dumb, stupid, and inane to yourself for a long time (but
probably not to other people). Until one day you won't. The most important bit
of advice on overcoming my introversion that I ever heard was that being
introverted is really a form of self-absorption: once you start thinking about
how others are feeling, you focus on yourself a lot less and interacting with
them becomes simpler.

But like everything else, it takes practice. Chat, say "hi," smile at everyone
you can.

------
pavel_lishin
I'm assuming that Social Skydiving is basically making a concentrated effort
on talking to strangers frequently?

How many times did you try it? If you tried it for three days, and failed
miserably, don't give up. Any skill takes time to build.

------
pasbesoin
Exercise made more difference to me than anything else. Not to "bulk up" or
show off -- I cycled. But in addition to good health, it left me feeling
quietly more confident and happy with myself. Which made interacting with
others easier.

As they say, "Your Mileage May Vary". But for what it's worth.

~~~
abbacd
exercise is in fact one of the only things keeping me sane. i bike a lot, and
run sometimes.

~~~
BobbyH
Have you tried joining a biking or running club?

~~~
trafficlight
Any kind of club or casual sport would do. Bowling is my thing. Besides the
fact that I love it and would do it all day long if I could, I have/get to
talk to a lot of people there. I belong to two leagues and travel to
tournaments once or twice a month.

I'm pretty sure if I didn't have bowling I wouldn't talk to anybody at all.
There would be pressure to.

