
How I Blew My Marriage - white_raven
http://www.danoah.com/2012/10/16-ways-i-blew-my-marriage.html
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e40
_Never argue in front of the kids_

You know, I have some experience with this. I had a friend in college that had
parents that never once argued in front of him. Not once. This guy was
completely unable to resolve any conflicts. You know what? People learn
conflict resolution by watching others, and that goes for kids.

To give more details about my friend, he was a really nice guy, but he avoided
confrontation like the plague. The problem is, you can only avoid it for so
long. When he finally did get into it with anyone, he would literally start to
fall apart. It drove him to drink and eventually most of his relationships
fell apart and he became a binge drinker/alcoholic. He ended up dropping out
of school and disappeared from the face of the earth. He drunk dialed me years
later and left a message on my answering machine (without any details about
where he was). A very, very sad situation.

I'm not saying everyone will react like this, but that watching an argument be
properly resolved is a good thing for a kid to see.

~~~
lmkg
If you argue in front of your kids, in a way that respects each other and
eventually comes to a fair and agreeable result, then your kid will learn
valuable conflict resolution skills. On the other hand, if you shout at each
other in front of the kids until one of you throws their hands in the air and
stomps off, and nothing is resolved and everyone is angry, then your kid will
only learn the fine art of temper tantrums. And, as you say, if you do nothing
in front of your kids, they will be utterly unequipped to do anything.

As my wrestling coach used to say, practice doesn't make perfect, perfect
practice makes perfect. The same holds true for kids and their acquiring
habits from their parents: they will pick up the habits you demonstrate in
front of them, for better or worse.

Also, this sort of stuff is exactly why I am absolutely terrified of having
kids.

~~~
ChuckMcM
I wish I could join this comment and the parent comment at the hip. It is
_exactly_ right that your kids learn how to resolve conflicts by the way their
parents resolve conflicts. This is one of the benefits of _not_ living in a
single parent household.

I liked the list in the article, it summarizes to communicate authentically.
But it took me probably the first 15 years of my marriage before I understood
the ramifications of that.

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pcrh
Most of these suggestions can be summarized as "don't be selfish".

My own approach is to consider the relationship as something somewhat separate
from yourself. You like/love the relationship, and it fulfills you in one way
or another, so do what it takes to maintain it. Sometimes that means
"spending" some of your own ego.

~~~
e40
Agreed. The golden rule could replace a good number of these.

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shanelja
I am guilty of a few of these myself, with the notable exception of financial
stingyness (if anything, I am overly generous to her which could be a bad
trait as far as _my_ quality of life is concerned) and failing to look my best
(I'm not the most attractive guy in the world, dressing in nice clothes and
doing my hair makes me feel good about me.)

To add to this, I think the only way to not ruin a relationship is to listen
to the person, often and with honest intentions. People tend to be saying
something straight to your face which you have a habit of missing, I know this
is my experience, but I've found that since I stopped talking _at_ her and
starting talking _with_ her our relationship has improved in leaps and bounds.

Though I suppose like almost anything, you improve with iteration, I hope you
take your mistakes and what you have learned and better apply them in your
next relationship, thanks for sharing this with us, it made me realise some of
my own flaws.

~

Comment: Wow, this flew up to the first page, looks like these flaws must be
pretty common, or general enough to seem common, anyway.

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benwerd
I found this a curiously cold, superficial approach to loving another person.

A relationship isn't a software program, or a car. You can't apply discrete
rules, algorithms or workflows and assume it'll stay in tip-top condition. You
can't debug it, either. Not in a discretely logical way.

This other person who is your more-than-equal, who still gives you
butterflies, and who you respect so much that you've entered into a
partnership with them with both your _lives_? Treat them like that. Be open,
be responsive to their emotional needs, and be communicative about yours. Like
any partnership, don't enter into it lightly; it's okay to take your time.
Take them for who they are, and make sure they're taking you for who you are.
Turn a blind eye to nothing, but be sure of your priorities. And don't take
any of it for granted.

~~~
teilo
There is something that your argument misses, I think.

We like to think that our actions follow our emotions. The reasoning goes that
if I am making intentional effort to do something that I do not necessarily
feel like doing, I am just doing something artificial, and am therefore a
hypocrite.

However, one's emotions also follow their actions. If I have to make an effort
to choose to act like I am in love, I will feel love from making the effort. I
am training my emotions to follow my actions. And then, before long, I _am_
feeling the emotion behind doing the thing that I do. What was first
artificial becomes genuine.

It is like teaching your children to say please, thank you, and I'm sorry. Do
they actually feel these things when they say them? Not at first. But by
ingraining the action, you instill the emotion. I speak from experience. I
have six children.

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e40
I would add this:

Have a short memory for negative stuff and a really long memory for positive
things. Some people have a tendency to do the reverse, and it is really toxic
to relationships.

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spindritf
This site somehow brings my Firefox 16.0.1 on Ubuntu to its knees -- 100% CPU
usage, window goes dark -- every time I try to view it. It literally raised
the temperature in the room trying to render it.

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satori99
I think number 12 is the most important. Having fun. (Or even just planning to
do fun stuff).

If that stops happening, you are in trouble.

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stevenbedrick
Now _that_ is what I call an accurate headline. Those are indeed 16 fabulous
ways to screw up a marriage.

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polyfractal
_Don’t poop with the bathroom door open._

What? Who does this? Why would this ever be ok?

~~~
uhwuggawuh
My SO and I do this. What's wrong with pooping with the door open? We all
poop. It's not that big a deal.

~~~
tzs
When you were a teenager living with your parents, did you poop with the door
open? Did your parents poop with the door open? When a friend or coworker is
visiting at your place, do you poop with the door open?

For most people, the answer is "no" in all those cases, because most people
nowadays do not find the sight of pooping people appealing. Thus, when one
does poop with the door open when their SO is around, but does not do so when
others are around, the message one is sending is that the SO does not deserve
the common courtesy that other people do, that the SO has become just a
fixture around the house or perhaps a pet.

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wglb
Missing one of the most important ones of all.

And #10--really?

~~~
stevewillows
As funny as this sounds, this is so true.

First marriage: door open, miserable New relationship: door closed, happy

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nthitz
Hacker News indeed...

3 pages? Really??

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Adirael
/r/midlyinteresting is that way.

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Udo
For people (like me) who hate pagination:

    
    
      1. Don't stop holding her hand
      2. Don't stop trying to be attractive
      3. Don't always point out her weaknesses
      4. Don't stop cooking for her
      5. Don't yell at your spouse
      6. Don't call names
      7. Don't be stingy with your money
      8. Don't argue in front of the kids
      9. Don't encourage each other to skip working out
      10. Don't poop with the bathroom door open
      11. Don't stop kissing her
      12. Don't stop having fun together
      13. Don't pressure each other
      14. Don't label each other with negative labels
      15. Don't skip out on things that are important to her
      16. Don't emotionally distance yourself after a fight
    

Having wrecked a good number of serious relationships in my time, I really
feel those are just symptoms of underlying problems that can't be corrected by
adhering to lists. There seem to be categories of things going wrong and a lot
of these points are redundant in that context. Maybe the message should not be
primarily that relationships require work, but that they often need to run
better algorithms. People need to make more of an effort to see the world
through their partners' eyes, but they also need to establish a clearer
understanding about their own goals and feelings.

Holding hands (1), cooking for each other (4), kissing (11), having fun (12) -
those are kind of obvious relationship indicators and they should not be items
on a to do list. If they don't happen there are underlying causes such as lack
of time, stress, apathy, or a general lack of affection.

Making an effort to be desirable (2), working out (9), not pooping publicly
(10, WTF?!?) are general maintenance problems related to attractiveness, and
they're kind of obvious.

The highly redundant items pertaining to not being a total dick (3, 5, 6, 13,
14) look like they might happen increasingly when the relationship has already
entered failure mode.

Emotional distance (16) is _what you're supposed to feel_ after a serious
fight. Effort should go into addressing the issues leading to the fight, as
well as the behavior of both people during the actual confrontation. If you
feel distance after the "battle", that means the war is not over and you have
a serious problem there that can't be addressed by simply forcing yourself to
not feel distant anymore.

Finally, 15, skipping out on activities that are important to your partner.
Well, I think it's important that both partners remain full individuals even
during a relationship. Shared interests and activities are great, and it does
make sense to attend stuff for the sake of your better half sometimes.
However, if there are things one party doesn't like to do _at all_ , there
should always be a way to opt out peacefully. Attending stuff you don't like
won't do anyone any favors in the long run, it's not healthy or sustainable.

