
Ask HN: Why do I have to struggle with everything? - jcrknow
I am 29.5 yrs old and was born in poor family. First it was education , paying college fees. I had to work since 16 part-time for paying fees. Then landed a job. Worst professional environment one could imagine. 
Changed job last year. After marathon search ,apply, reject,re-apply landed a opportunity after 3 months. 
In personal life also I am yet to find girlfriend. Never had one. 
When I look at my colleagues, friends I feel like many of them have it quite easy. College, job, personal life but its me who has to try ( or repeat process 1000 times) for simple things.  
Why this is so?  Its just makes me frustrated.
======
blueprint
In math, every answer is made by a question. In practical reality, every
result is made by clear causes in problems. One problem that we have as human
beings is that we cannot see the causes that we keep inside ourselves. That's
why it's not easy to recognize what makes the results we get in life. For this
reason, a good teacher can be compared to a mirror – they simply show us
ourselves, just as we are. Without such a mirror, how could we see ourselves?

That's why, in order to change the kind of results you can get in life, you
first of all need to change your problems. Good problems have good results;
bad problems have bad results. To change your life into one where you
continuously get good results, you need to find out how to formulate problems,
and then you need to start making good problems for yourself.

It's not easy, but even though you were born with your existent consciousness,
it is certainly possible to change your consciousness so that you can guide
your life to a better "destiny". However, in order to do so, you need to
obtain an enlightenment (realization), and then you need to study what exists
in the reality that you can see through your enlightenment. Be careful of
falsehood. No religions have any helpful teachings when it comes to
enlightening yourself.

~~~
galfarragem
_“Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.” - Voltaire_

 _“There are no right answers to wrong questions.” - Ursula Le Guin_

 _“Successful people ask better questions, and as a result, they get better
answers.” - Tony Robbins_

~~~
blueprint
All good words, but my opinion is that in order for them to have been complete
teachings, they need to have also included the clear and concrete criteria of
good and bad, right and wrong. Otherwise, judgement of good and bad are bound
to be made arbitrarily by those who do not know the world, leaving your good
quotes with too much possibility to be misused by others.

------
rboyd
As someone who also came from poverty and dealt with some of these feelings, I
found it helped to consider things on a global scale. Just being born in
America makes me (and you too?) extremely lucky.

All your limbs work? You can hear and see?

It's all relative. These self-pity parties are generally counterproductive.

No girlfriend by 30 and struggling very hard to get through interviews in an
industry in such high demand suggests you may need to spend more energy
developing your social skills. That's fine, it's a muscle you flex and develop
over time. If you can filter the annoying "bro culture" out of PUA literature
(like "The Game" by Neil Strauss) and just focus on the personal development,
I'm confident you're going to have an easier time socially. In turn you'll
have an easier time in your career.

We play the hand we're dealt and we're only here for a short time (at least
until we solve aging). Which leads to my last point. Life purpose. It's much
easier going when you have one. Dive deep and discover why you're here, what
you can really contribute to humanity. Stay focused.

~~~
dasil003
> _Just being born in America makes me (and you too?) extremely lucky_

Author is not a native English speaker. Sticking my neck out: Eastern European
or Indian?

~~~
lgieron
In Eastern Europe education is free.

~~~
toddkazakov
nope

------
dmgbrn
The bad news is that if you get your dream job and meet the love of your life
tomorrow you're still going to feel like this.

The good news is that if you change yourself, your perspective, your thinking,
and so forth, you'll be happy with what you have now, and with this happiness
and self esteem, you'll find it much easier to accomplish things you want.

There's a lot of thinking on how to do so. Buddhists, the stoic philosophers,
and modern psychologists will all tell you the same story.

I'm a recovering drug addict, so staying away from the kind of negative
thinking you're engaging in is kind of a matter of life and death for me. This
shit works.

Also, +1 to the folks suggesting improving your social skills: I started
having decent social skills when I started feeling good enough about who I was
that I honestly didn't give a fuck how others saw me.

Addendum: A huge problem for me was trying to approach this like a programming
or math problem, and apply reason and intellect to it. Didn't work. You need a
different set of cognitive skills to deal with it, but they're not hard to
pick up if you try.

~~~
Nimi
Interesting - can you please elaborate on those different cognitive skills?

(also, both your plight and the efforts you put towards getting out of it
sound very serious - best of luck to you)

~~~
dmgbrn
Learning how to perceive emotional states in greater detail/resolution both in
quality and in change over time is a big one. So is being able to observe
their effect on your behavior and if possible to intervene and do something
healthier. There are also things that map very well to neurological processes
that are known to get completely wrecked during addiction, such as the ability
to put your prefrontal cortex in charge and pursue deferred rewards.

------
roymurdock
Hey, I feel the same way sometimes. You're not alone and _everyone_ , I mean
EVERYONE feels the same way from time to time.

I guarantee your friends look up to you as "that guy" who pulled himself up by
his bootstraps, overcome a lot of obstacles to put himself through college,
ground it out through a tough job and then found the courage to go out and get
a better one, etc. They probably wish they had your work ethic and grit.

Everyone presents an idealized version of themselves to the world and even, to
a lesser extent, their friends and loved ones. See through the facade and be
happy with what you have: a lot of people would love to have a college
education, a job, money, and friends.

What I do when I get frustrated with the world is to call up good friends and
just talk it through with them. They always remind me that no matter how good
you think other people have it, that everyone is going through the same shit.
It's good to have perspective.

------
nerdy
_Everyone_ experiences failure in their life. I don't think you can measure
"struggling" by looking at metrics like the quality of your first job.

I've also worked since 16, nobody covered my transportation or sent me to
college. My childhood home was about the size of the garage for the home I now
own as an adult. You are not defined by your family nor upbringing though they
play a contributing role. But you're probably going to need some goals.

Think hard: What are you most passionate about in life? What are your
aspirations?

Now think harder: Does the way you spend your time on a day-to-day basis match
up against your passions? What are you doing to successfully achieve your
goals and aspirations?

------
Phlow
Don't compare yourself to other people. Just try to improve upon yourself. Set
smaller goals, so you can feel a pattern of success and build some confidence
(which you'll need with the ladies, and getting a job). A cover page on your
resume with your sob story and some positive inspirational messages about how
you don't give up might help get you in the door with prospective employers.
Just try to be happy. If you're upset or depressed, it shows, and people don't
want to be around that.

------
ChuckMcM
Where are you going? Its a weird question but it is one which might help. You
have just written a hundred words with one consistent theme, you are
travelling on a path that is painful. So one has to ask, why are you doing
that?

The simple response is "Because I need a job stupid." And I understand that,
but the question is deeper than that. What are you bringing to this journey?

I could try to be a professional musician, I could practice on my instrument,
I could listen to other musicians, I could try out for various musical groups
to secure a position. It would be very hard for me and I would no doubt have
only limited success. That would suck for me.

But I find programming computers to just "make sense" to me, I somehow can
"see" all the steps between what I want and where I am and then turn those
into code. It is "easy" for me and so I enjoy doing it.

So here is the key, I'm the same person, on one road it is hard and I struggle
to succeed, on a different road it is easier and success comes quickly. I like
to think about "systems" which are inter-connected mechanisms where the
operation of one part affects all of the other parts. That is what _I_ bring
to the road. So walking the programming road is aided by what I bring, walking
the musician road I don't have anything to offer.

Where are you going? What do you bring to the journey?

------
bosco12
Simply, you are comparing the "behind the scenes" of your life to other
peoples "highlights reel". Other people very well may be doing the exact same
thing with you in mind. If your life was constantly good, there would be no
contrast. Its likely you would not appreciate it. Hardship provides us with
that valuable contrast to properly appreciate the good.

Find and do what you love, and the rest will come naturally. Good luck and
stay positive, the world is your oister.

------
Red_Tarsius
People who had it easy don't have your _resilience_. You may think it's
clichè, but I've seen it again and again: easy life makes for an unhealthily
low stress-threshold. On the other hand, your experiences might leverage
future feats.

~~~
Thriptic
This is an incredibly important point. I have seen many extremely successful
people with easy lives crumble when confronted with failure / hardship. Easy
success also makes people complacent and lazy.

The ability to strive through hardship is an undervalued skill which will pay
huge dividends in the future.

~~~
jimkri
I agree with both statements so much, I have seen this. I see it all the time
in college, where kids fail a test or get a bad grade and just fall apart.
I've had difficult time all throughout my education career, Ive had to bust my
ass while others sail through everything, but this really has taught me a lot.
If I fail I know its not the end of the world I just keep going and work even
harder, but some people just crumble and give up. My roommate does this, he
fails a class and instead of working harder at it he just drops the class
because he was it to be easy.

OP, you have something a lot of people don't. Just Keep going.

------
alaskamiller
Somewhere right now exists a person that has put in the least amount of effort
and got out the maximum return.

Whether it's a dollar spent on a lottery ticket that yielded millions of
dollars, or it's one resume that got noticed by the right person, or it's one
hello that led to a storybook romance.

You, in comparison, will have it hard.

Likewise, a billion people right now wake up with no electricity, no water, no
food. Or they have some, but not enough. Or they have enough but the amount of
manual labor and effort they put in to getting said resources takes a lot.

Whether it's trading their health, their dignity, or their honor for said
resources.

You, in comparison, have it better and easier.

You are in the middle of this game that's lasted for the entirety of humanity.

The game is also built upon perception and presentation. Meaning many others
purposely spend themselves dedicated to presenting themselves to others as
successful and happy while hiding the ugliness. It's conditioned into us from
parenting, schooling, and advertising.

Any deviance is seen as something to run away from. Any failure seen as bad.
Hard work and struggling itself isn't valuable, success from hard work and
struggling is lauded.

Your choices are to focus harder and harder on what you don't have or to focus
on adding to your life. One good strategy for adding to your life is helping
others with no expectations. Detachment from expectations is most important,
as that's what causes suffering when your expectations and reality do not
match up.

The choice is yours.

------
kamaal
You are not alone, there are many people like you. But imagine if after all
the hard work this is where you are in life, what would happen if you stopped
working hard. Things would be far worse.

There are some people who have to swim through this and fight it out in the
hope they will better off in the future.

>>When I look at my colleagues, friends I feel like many of them have it quite
easy.

A million things matter in these sort of things, unfortunately luck is one of
them. Different people get launched into life from different launch pads. Out
of sheer luck, people get born to rich parents. Such people are always going
to have an edge over the rest of us. There are people who are going to be
simply lucky to get a good boss, or ride a economic wave, or just be the right
person at the right time at the right place.

If you haven't been that lucky so far, unfortunately merely hard work can't
make up for all things in life.

I would suggest you work towards your own goals than comparing yourself with
your colleagues. Because remember no matter how fast you go on the high way,
there will always be vehicles ahead of you.

------
aman-pro
If you have a roof over your head, 3 meals a day and a family, You are already
doing better that 60-70% people in the world. Be thankful for what you already
have. I would like to recommend this article to you:
[http://johnnybtruant.com/the-universe-doesnt-give-a-
flying-f...](http://johnnybtruant.com/the-universe-doesnt-give-a-flying-fuck-
about-you/) . Read A LOT. If you want success, read a LOT of books and
articles that talk about success. Your situation will change surely.

Btw, I would like to redirect you to your original post. You are only talking
about the things that you do not like. Starting focusing on things that you do
like and your life will take that direction. :)

~~~
aburan28
This is a false-equivalence. Just because many of us on this site have it
better than 99.9% of the rest of the world does not mean we have a struggle
and life is easy. I suggest you read this piece "The problem with rich kids
today" \- [https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201310/the-
problem-...](https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201310/the-problem-rich-
kids)

~~~
aman-pro
As long as you are alive, you will have problems. Bill Gates once said, "life
is not fair, deal with it". Some may call it a big problem, others will call
it small. Focus on what is truly important, and you will move towards that.

------
rileyriley
I have all the things you're striving for and it feels like my colleagues,
friends do much more than me much more easily. If you look around it's very
easy to find people who have a much harder time. I'm beginning to suspect that
it's relative.

------
eibrahim
I know this is probably not the best place to put this answer but I hope it
finds its way to you and help you in your search.

I was born christian and 10+ years ago lost my faith and became a "non
believer". I had a few scares during my wife's pregnancy a few months ago and
I remember waiting outside the emergency room and wandering what to do. I
didn't believe in God or anything, I had nothing to comfort me or give me
hope. Then I realized "I am not strong enough to be an atheist". Don't get me
wrong, I didn't overnight turn into a devout christian but I started doubting
my doubts and my lack of faith and re-examining a few things.

Fast forward a couple of months and my twins were born and I wanted to baptize
them. A good friend of mine told me why bother if you don't believe. When we
baptize in our church we have to raise our right hand, face the alter and
accept the trinity. I didn't want to be a hypocrite and do that knowingly that
I didn't believe. So I went and talked to the priest and told him how I felt.
I asked him to recommend books to help me "convert back", help me believe.
Surprisingly, he told me "what's the point? anything you read, you will
question, doubt and read with the intention to find holes" so his only
recommendation is to pray once a day and read one chapter from the new
testament every day. He told me I don't have to understand or believe what I
am reading but he told me to do it for a month and see what happens. I am 2
weeks into it. It's hard. I still don't 100% believe. But there is something
changing. I don't know what it is but I will continue with this journey and
see where it leads me.

On a side note, I read a fantastic book that answered a ton of my questions -
it is called The Reason For God by Timothy Keller. Very easy read and targets
people like us - educated and secular with tons of doubt.

I know these are not solutions to your problems but maybe you will find
comfort and hope in christianity.

PS: Please keep the "religion hate" speech to a minimum - I have heard it all
- actually I have said it all :)

~~~
decentrality
"belief is the source and solution of all problems" I believe Plato said that.
I believe he also said that of alcohol.

Rather than the age old "either X exists or it doesn't" your entire thing
unraveled right here:

"I am not strong enough to be an atheist"

Anything from that point on had a 'motivating circumstance' behind it, a bias,
a solution being sought.

Now, the concept of 'pray once a day' will be accepted, because a certain
belief is already had: that belief is the issue, not a certain state or mode
of being. A certain "strength" \-- I believe you hit that on the head. There
is a certain quality of person, called atheism.

Some of the "best" religious people I know, while having a "faith" are what I
could also call atheist, in the purest sense: not just in an ideological
sense, but in an active one: did they do that "all by themselves" or were they
rubbing the magic rabbit foot all the way there? When they wanted to reach out
for help, did they do it? Or did they endure?

The thing that is changing is a different mode of being taking root: one of
operating on belief, rather than on your own. The answer when you cannot cope
is not to find a mechanism to cope, a crutch, but to just endure or execute
the thing. It is about strength. Sometimes it's about accepting things without
a reason: what if one of your twins died? Exactly why is that "bad" per se? It
feels like shit, yes, but all you can really say is that you currently do not
want that. Petitioning someone for your desire is pure and simple. Making it
into "I couldn't take it anymore so I felt too weak to be atheist" is just
covering over the fact that you really really wanted your wife and kids to be
ok.

That is your religion then. It's strong enough of a source of desire that
you'd reach outside yourself to manipulate the universe itself if you had to,
to cause the outcome you wanted. It could be said that is what the deity
concept is. It's a mutable global variable ( which is not threadsafe )
designed to circumvent your own individuality and provide a hack to route-
around the system as it is, allowing you to not learn or grow, just have what
you want. Confusingly, some people have a deathwish or a sense of inferiority,
so they get what they want so much easier.

------
garbage_stain
I think it's unfortunate this has been downvoted; I think that many people
feel the same way you do. It's probably worth thinking about whether your
colleagues' life is really as easy as you think it is. What you see of them is
probably them at their best; you probably don't see their hidden financial
struggles or family struggles or professional struggles. Most people don't
talk about anything like this. So personally I think it is brave to ask this
question and I wish I saw topics like this discussed more often.

~~~
DanBC
What makes you think it has been "downvoted"? (There is no downvote for
submissions. Submissions without URLs are automatically penalised. It might
have been flagged, but what makes you think it has?)

~~~
garbage_stain
It was gray. You may see that I am not very active here, so I made an
assumption. Today I have learned something; thank you.

------
gjkood
You ask a very important question but I don't think there is any correct
answer to it.

Let me give you a little thought exercise.

Imagine you were born in a different country and time than the one that you
are in right now. Imagine that country is under occupation by an oppressive
regime and you have no voice, no rights, no freedom whatsoever. Imagine that
every day your family, friends and those you know are living under threat of
imprisonment or death. In addition to that imagine that you are at a time when
the state of medicine hasn't advanced beyond blood letting and cupping as the
most advanced techniques to fight disease.

Now stop and think. Other than the medicine part there are various parts of
the world where this scenario is the daily truth.

Granted you feel poor and need to struggle through everyday life.

Can I ask you a few questions 1\. Can you see, hear, smell and speak? 2\. Do
you have the use of all your limbs? 3\. Can you afford a daily meal? 4\. Do
you have some decent shelter? 5\. Do you have access to healthcare? 6\. Do you
have access to basic facilities such as clean running water and toilets?

I think if you can answer yes to most of those questions, you are probably not
a 1 percenter, but you may be better off than 30% to 40% of the world's
population.

You have every right to bemoan your fate but it's all relative.

There's always someone in worse shape than you.

Thank your respective deity if you are so inclined that you are not in worse
shape than you are in. It could be a lot worse.

~~~
garbage_stain
This is just not a good response and does not speak to the author's problem.
Yes, you can indeed say "you should be happy! It could be so much worse!" but
this is not a gratifying or helpful answer to the original poster. Logically
reasoning that you should feel happier about your current situation when, on
an emotional level, you do not, isn't helpful. I think the other responses,
which addressed the idea that all of us struggle regardless of where we are
from and our current situation, is perhaps a bit more helpful.

------
personlurking
I've had some of the issues you've mentioned though I especially identify with
the feeling that those I know have it much easier than I do. Due to the nature
of things, it's obviously impossible to (really) know what other people go
through mentally and emotionally but, in the least, I feel like the notion of
talking about one's problems is a no-no. People don't seem to want to show the
dents in their armor, and this makes it seem like everything is going fine
with them. On the other hand, I have no issues talking about my problems when
I need to or feel like it, but it's usually met with silence.

I can say this: most people I know have never been poor, and this is a large
part of why they cannot identify with problems I have. Being poor is a life-
changer in so many ways and it has so many secondary and tertiary effects that
others just don't get it cause they haven't been there.

Try writing down the life you want, then break down the steps it would take to
get there (or get somewhat close to where you can be satisfied), then ask
yourself if you really want to be twice your age and still lamenting about all
the same things. It may light a fire under you or, in the least, alter your
perspective going forward.

------
makepkgnotwar
You know it's all a matter of perspective really. Personally coming from a
similar background i've felt the same way at times.

If you are coming from a mindset of lack then that's all you're going to
notice and all you'll see is everything that you don't have and how everyone
that has more than you.

Seeing people people that you think don't have to struggle for anything and
watching them take their life for granted can be terribly frustrating and
depressing.

As others have said though, you really don't know what is going on behind the
scenes of the people that you envy. All you see is a very controlled facade
that they put on in public.

There are many struggles in life but there are also many things to be grateful
for and you can be grateful for what you have without thinking about how life
could be worse.

even if it "could be worse" your feeling are still valid, just don't let
yourself get to in your head though.

can you find any good from your situation?, have you built any positve
characteristics from a life of adversity?.

I find when dealing with any struggle in life be it big or small, all you need
is to look at things from a different angle(much easier said than done) but
once you change your mindset in how you will deal with life then maybe things
don't seem as bad.

------
lando101101
The truth is we all struggle. We are absorbed in our own problems, so we don't
often realize what others go through.

------
win85
I came to the US for my undergrad and I am from Bangladesh. During my
undergrad I realized that most of my good friends were from India, Sri Lanka,
Vietnam, China, Africa and very few were actually Americans (Caucasians). I
was also more attracted to white women and I wanted to date them; but I was
often just ignored by them or looked down upon. It was awful, I continued to
study hard, I got a good job in a reputed firm in Silicon Valley and moved to
the bay area. Here I was able to move away from the corrupt background where I
grew up and I found a lot more opportunities in the valley to network with top
VCs and top engineers. Now I am on my way to starting my own company with my
friends and past colleagues and I feel I can contribute a lot to the world. I
am 31 and I still do not have a girl friend as I am still stereotyped by women
and being brown with an accent does not help :P

Now I have the opportunity to achieve something in my life and share my
experiences with the world with the hope that next generation is more kind to
people from poor countries. It definitely helps to have girlfriend for
emotional and physical needs. But racism is still present and affects dating
also it is harder for men than it is for women. Unfortunately, being a brown
male with an accent is just hard. You should continue to work hard and make a
good career for yourself, do things that please you and make you happy.
Happiness is contagious. If you are truly happy and passionate about what you
are doing, its very likely you will be successful and attract women, money and
much better personal life.

This is one of my favorite songs, listen to it when you are down:

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L2Wx230gYJw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L2Wx230gYJw)

------
rokhayakebe
I am sorry bro. But keep at it. Also try to communicate with yourself and
understand why things are happening as such. There must a reason; meaning the
hardship may be a consequence or a reason in itself for something greater in
your future.

At any rate, I love that you are not giving up. Keep at it. The fact that you
are asking means this is nothing you can't take with dignity. You will
breakthrough. Keep at it.

------
joe_the_user
I don't think your experiences are that unusual.[edit UNusual]

The paradigm of the present society seems to be ultra-competitive
"meritocracy". By that token, it fails to value a substantial portion of its
citizens.

------
mswen
Difficulties in Life come from a variety of sources:

1] Self (both inherent genetics, the fruit of prior decisions and difficulties
which we seek out)

2] Your Circle (family, friends, coworkers, neighbors; think about the things
those people do to you, the difficulties that you experience when someone
close to you has their own life blow up, and difficulties that you willingly
take on because you love someone close to you)

3] Society (your time and place in human history and culture, war & peace,
societal level cycle of economic recession or boom times and more)

4] Nature (natural conditions such as storms, floods and drought may impact
you)

5] Accidents (lapses in attention, stupid decisions by strangers and sheer
randomness can dramatically change your life)

6] Controversial Category - Cosmic or Supernatural forces, ranging from
notions of karma to spirits of the world, to ancestral spirits or monotheistic
belief systems.

Understanding the sources of our difficulties does not make them go away but
it can help us identify which ones we have leverage to change, which ones we
can only change through relational cooperation, which ones will likely pass
with time and those difficult circumstances over which we have no power and
must come to a place of peace and acceptance.

Difficulties can be the key stimuli for personal growth or they can be the
seed of bitterness which consume our mind, emotions and will with
discouragement, anger, jealousy and despair.

Some would say that religion has nothing useful to say about these matters. I
am not saying that every religion has something useful, in fact on various
relevant points religions may disagree about sources and solutions. But we
should not imagine that we are the first, or wisest in human history to have
struggled with these hard questions.

Please don't give up. Search, work, try, experiment and grow.

~~~
jqm
Religion very often in the business of creating problems then providing
ultimately unsatisfactory or even pernicious answers.

Where is the real problem? We are all walking towards death, and it is not
very far away. Compared to this simple fact, the "problem" of once having a
bad job for a time is pretty small.

In the case of OP, the main problem I see is perspective. Change that, and
everything starts changing. There are no end of "problems" if you are looking
for them. We are here right now. That's reality.... and it's pretty good.

------
lordnacho
This may sound cynical, but if you see life as a pyramid (inadvisable, btw),
most people, including you, are not at the top or the bottom.

There are plenty of people who have a hard time finding a job they like or a
partner they like. Your friends are just a small sample of the people of the
world. You're lucky that you envy their position, actually. They sound like
the kinds of people you can talk to about how to achieve what you want.

Another note: the more you manage to climb the greasy pole, the more it seems
insurmountable. I've never met a high achiever who didn't think it was hard
getting there.

As for specific things you can do, you need to take on an abundance mentality;
there are plenty of both jobs and girls, there's no make-or-break moment with
either. Everything flows from there. You have choice.

------
wilsonfiifi
Yes you've struggled to get to where you are but you've made it this far. And
well done! Quite frankly quite a few people in your situation might have given
up already but you keep on moving forward. And that's a good thing. Look back
on your achievements and be proud of yourself. Look forward to your next
goal(s) and keep on fighting.

For inspiration you can read this article:
[http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/25/successful-
people-o...](http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/25/successful-people-
obstacles_n_3964459.html) and know that you're not alone in "the struggle".

Bon courage mon ami.

------
alashley
I think everyone feels like this at one point or another. With regards to your
job situation, we have have what I like to call our "crappy firsts."

A bad first roommate, a bad first relationship, job etc. Why are these
experiences bad? Well, mostly because we didn't know what we were looking for
at the time. I think we all have some idea of what would make us happy, but a
lot of the time, we need these experiences so we can appreciate the better
things that come, if and only if we are willing to seek them and not give up.

So you've never had a girlfriend, its something to look forward to. You should
also use the desire for companionship to put yourself into situations to make
it possible. I was engaged at one point and it ended with the girl essentially
cutting off contact without saying anything. It was only when I called her and
told her I wanted to call of the engagement, she started making excuses. We
hadn't talked for three months at that point -- she wouldn't call or return my
calls.

My point of telling you that story is that I know my self worth has nothing to
do with the way she treated me. And I continue to seek out a partner who will
be more of a help than a hinderance -- as my ex was. But I'm still alive and
motivated to keep going, I think that's all you need in life.

I'm also working on a dating app, I have been working on it for close to three
months now and it hasn't been released because I keep getting to a certain
point, scrapping it and starting over. Some API's I depend on don't work as
I'd like, or I find myself unhappy with the design. But I'm at it again, and
this time I hope to finish it and release it on the app store, because it will
help other people out there.

This is getting kinda long, but my point is that in life, the most important
qualities a person can have are hope and resilience. You obviously have both,
otherwise you would never persist where others have failed miserably.

For all the success stories you hear in social media, there are countless
others who give up and never try again. And for all those successes, they
never tell you how many times they tried other ventures and failed. If I
finished my app within the next month, you would never hear about the rest of
the time where I wasn't sure it would ever see the light of day.

Keep on goin'

------
zaroth
All we can hope for is a healthy body, sound mind, access to education,
freedom of thought and expression, freedom from violence, a functioning job
market, and perhaps a decent safety net for when things really do all go to
shit.

All the rest, as they say, c'est la vie. _Striving_ , _wanting_ , _yearning_
is absolutely a part of the human condition. Good luck in all your struggles.

------
jmckib
Buddy, you are not the only one! Many of us have struggled with things that
appear so easy to others, like job interviews or finding a girlfriend. I don't
know you well enough, but like somebody else here has said, I think the key
may be to continue to develop your social skills. My strategy has been to
actively do things that make me uncomfortable. Does starting a conversation
with that stranger at a meetup make me feel a little uneasy? That's a clear
sign that I should go do it! I think if you follow this path you will find
your life improving in many ways, as I have. Feel free to message me if you
need any additional guidance or encouragement, email is in profile.

If you are feeling depressed or frequently anxious, which you may be, I would
suggest finding a therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy.
They use a scientific approach to help you deal with problems of depression or
social anxiety, and they can also act as a coach to keep you motivated as you
overcome these issues.

------
munsoji
It doesn't matter how hard or how many times you try if you do the same thing
with the same attitude over and over again. In this case, you're applying for
jobs and looking for companionship with the mindset that this is the 1000th
time you've been in this position and the universe owes you a break, whereas
to the recruiter or potential date this is the first time they've met you.
What kind of impression do you think they're forming of you when you approach
them with this mindset? Is it fair to them that they're just another potential
notch in the litany of life failures instead of unique individuals and roles?

If applying to jobs and making friends isn't any easier after thousands of
failures, you're not using failure as a learning experiment and your situation
will never improve unless you recognize what it is that you're doing that's
preventing you from having the kind of success you want to have.

------
chrisbennet
Recognize that everyone didn't get the same "standard happiness package". I am
freakishly happy all the time. I did _nothing_ to make myself this way.
Conversely, I believe that some people, through no fault of their own, ended
up with terrible a "brain chemistry package" i.e. depression. People who were
born happy may tell you to do what they do, and you'll be happy too. IMO, they
might as well tell you that if you eat what they ate, you'll be as tall as
they are.

When you are happy, lots more things become possible. One of the greatest
riches you can have is a good friend or two. Being happy makes friendships
possible and that sort of feeds back on itself making you happier.

A couple of my closest friends suffered from depression (one of them was
crying at work at least once a week). They got medication and it made a world
of difference.

Consider seeing a doctor, especially if you find yourself "self medicating" to
try and cope.

------
revisiond
I think it will always appear that other people are better off. No one likes
to share their struggles. Everyone tries to put their best foot forward if
they can. That's why you shouldn't compare yourself to others. You never know
how that person got to where they are know. Yes, some people have it easy or
it came naturally; while others worked/struggled to get there.

Honestly, I have some of the same struggles as you. Work hard and you can fix
most of problems. It takes time. Learn from your past.

Start with a couple of goals for the year. Like become more financially
stable, make friends/find a girlfriend, or find a new hobby. If you're out of
shape try to get in shape. Those things will give you boost. Think about
what's important to you right now and prioritize that. Everyone moves at
different paces; there aren't any hard rules for life.

------
JSeymourATL
> When I look at my colleagues, friends I feel like many of them have it quite
> easy.

The most difficult thing is Mastering one's own psychology. I'm sure if you
surveyed your friends and colleagues, each of them is struggling with their
own issues.

Horowitz talks about this in his recent book>
[http://techcrunch.com/2014/03/03/the-hard-thing-about-
hard-t...](http://techcrunch.com/2014/03/03/the-hard-thing-about-hard-things-
ben-horowitzs-honest-and-real-take-on-entrepreneurship/)

Success in life also requires a heavy repetition and grind-out quotient>
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBG57W_qFMA](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBG57W_qFMA)

------
mongole
If you are frustrated and really feel you are struggling that much, I would
suggest to look for a therapist.

Don't get me wrong. I don't think there is something wrong, but growing up in
a difficult environment, shapes your view of your surroundings and judge it
different than others. This are your experiences, you base your decisions on.
If these judgments do not align with your surrounding, you will encounter
disappointment.

A therapist will be able to ask you questions, which will open your mind to
different point of views, which gives you the possibility to make different
decisions.

Wish you all the best!

P.S.: I hope this is not offending, that's the last I want to express. English
is not my mother tongue...

------
bbayer
Just think about that you are not only one. In your circle or the people you
are able to observe may have better life but it does not mean that you are the
only one around who struggles. The solution is yet simple, don't compare
yourself with others considered better than you. Because there will be always
better than you and this will make you unhappy.

We are here to play the roles that is given to us. You may think that some
people born lucky but in reality the luck is just relative. You may consider
yourself unlucky or always struggling but what if you have live it and it
makes you stronger for better life. Trick is just not quitting.

------
lg061870
I won't give you long advice here...only want you to understand that there is
such a thing as "spinning your wheels too much"...I am pretty sure that you
have put the work, show the eagerness to reach your goals but if you are stuck
in the sand spinning your wheels will just make you really tired and
frustrated. Stop. Look down at your feet (metaphorically speaking) observe why
you don't seem to get traction, pick any one thing you think should help and
do it. Keep going from there. Do it for you and enjoy every moment.

------
yodsanklai
It all depends who you compare yourself with. Sure, there are better looking
and richer people around you. But being young, in good health and living in a
developed country (?) makes you very privileged.

------
kennycox
Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all
about.

------
pavel_lishin
> I feel like many of them have it quite easy.

A lot of them might be hiding their own struggles and problems.

------
multimedial
hi,

I habe a similar background as you. in a nutshell, I can recommend to keep
your focus on how to improve your situation. You get more of what you focus
on, so focus on bettering your life, be nice and gentle to yourself, and
things should slowly improve.

I can also recommend some of the techniques in this book here (albeit I don't
sibscribe to the whole NLP field). Take it with a grain of salt, basically try
it out and see if some of this works for you or not:

Know How: Guided Programs for Inventing Your Own Best Future

[http://www.amazon.com/Know-How-Programs-Inventing-
Patterning...](http://www.amazon.com/Know-How-Programs-Inventing-
Patterning/dp/0932573002)

------
olegious
As cliche as it may sound, I'd recommend the book "7 habits of highly
effective people" by Stephen R. Covey- teaches you to take responsibility for
your life and to focus on things you have influence over (among other things).

------
hemantv
I am pretty sure more than 1/10th of humanity will be super happy to have a
life like you (food on table and roof over head).

When you need inspiration look up, when you need gratitude look down.

~~~
DanBC
It's probably not helpful to point to, eg, waste pickers in Brazil or India
and say "See, you don't have it so bad". While true it doesn't help people fix
their views.

[http://www.reuters.com/news/picture/2014/11/19/garbage-
picke...](http://www.reuters.com/news/picture/2014/11/19/garbage-pickers-of-
india?articleId=USRTR4ERVH)

[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1268204/](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1268204/)

[http://wiego.org/informal-economy/occupational-
groups/waste-...](http://wiego.org/informal-economy/occupational-groups/waste-
pickers)

------
saticmotion
Here are some personal thoughts in no particular order:

\- Most people are bound to be about average, that's how averages work. In
life you've probably been through a couple of "selection procedures" (for lack
of a better term) that redefine this average for you personally. Very early in
life, the average is low. People with an intellectual disability get "filtered
out" and end up in special care, and the average rises. After primary school
(and I'm basing myself off of the Belgian school system, which I'm most
familiar with), you start specialising. Some people choose a very hands on
education (woodworking, mechanic, etc.) which doesn't require the same
intellectual capabilities as, what we call, general education (lots of
science, Latin, Greek, etc.). The average changes. Then you might go to higher
education and choose between high school or university. The average changes. I
hope you get the point by now: depending on how good (and I've focused purely
on intellectual capability, you might focus on another quality) you are, you
will find a very high or very low average. Whatever path people choose, they
are bound to be around the about average in their path.

\- Something that fits quite well with the previous point, is how high you've
set your personal standard. I'm not here to tell you whether or not your
standard is too high or too low, you have to decide that for yourself. But
consider that someone aiming to be a top theoretical physicist is going to
have a much harder time achieving his standard than someone aiming to have a
family, dog and house, without struggling financially. This person is again
going to have a much harder time achieving their standard, compared to someone
living in a poor village in Africa, just wanting to not be starving. (And you
might argue that person in Africa will have a much harder time not starving
than an average male white American getting a house with a family and a dog,
but that's besides the point)

\- Keep this standard higher than your current personal level. It will keep
you wanting to become better at whatever you're doing. But keep it realistic,
that will prevent you from becoming hopeless about never reaching a certain
standard.

\- Just because people tell you you should be happy for not being that
starving person in Africa, doesn't mean they're right. They're not entirely
wrong either; there are people who have it a lot worse than you'll ever have.
But someone else's struggles and troubles do not negate your own.

\- There's also something that's known as selection bias[0]. This fits quite
nicely with point one and two. Because of the standard you've chosen for
yourself or the average you've ended up comparing against, you will have a
tendency to see all the people doing better than you, and ignoring those doing
worse than you. Again, this doesn't mean your struggle is irrelevant. It's
just something to keep in mind when comparing yourself against others.

\- But then again, is there any point in comparing yourself against others? A
nihilist[1] might say it doesn't matter what you do in your life. That there
is no inherent value to anything you do or achieve. That there is no
particular meaning to life. Maybe you can find yourself in this reasoning?

\- Think about relocating. Paying those college fees might not have been hard
in Belgium. Up until this academic year, higher education cost about 650-700
Euro per year. Even less if your household earns less than a certain amount.
Fees as low as 150 Euro are possible for a year of higher education.

\- A silly example from my own life, incorporating some points I previously
made: Take a look at my English. I wasn't born in an English-speaking country,
never lived in one either. I think there is still a lot to be improved about
my English. But compare my English to what you might see in the comments on
certain websites. Is my English really that bad (especially when keeping in
mind it's not my mother tongue). Then compare my English to what you might see
in a work of Shakespeare. Is it even worth learning more if I'll never reach
that level of English? But in the end: does it even matter how good my English
is, as long as I can get my point across?

[0][http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Selection_bias](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Selection_bias)

[1][http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nihilism](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nihilism)

------
galfarragem
The answer to your problems is really boring and obvious (but far from easy to
implementate):

 _Focus in the right things._

You do this and the world is yours.

------
nnrocks
Because you have been chosen as a best examiner of the GOD. Give your exam
properly and swoon all struggles.

------
bbcbasic
You may not be as 'alone' in those struggles as you think.

* Bad professional environments are the norm. Good ones are the exception. As you have experience of the bad you will hopefully develop a set of filters to avoid getting another job at the bad ones.

IMO If you look for companies that are very profitable (good $ profit per
employee) you won't go to far wrong. Lack of cash can make a company very
perverse!

* Changing jobs always takes time. 3 months is fairly quick. It depends what city you are in and your specialty. Changing job isn't easy for anyone. Usually takes me 3 months actually.

* No girlfriend by 30? Maybe more common than you think, especially in IT. Once you have one you will find you have a lot less time for things you are passionate about. You need to manage your own time vs. time for the relationship. Let alone what having children does to that dynamic. Want to go travelling for a year? You can do it easily with no ties, no one to negotiate with.

Another positive spin is that you now have the wisdom at nearly 30 to make an
excellent choice for your partner. I'm not sure what your M.O. is but I
suggest if you are shy like me then don't try to chat up women in bars, or
straight ask women out (then you have the pressure of a 'date') etc. but just
make friends with women.

And at 30 your target are range for women means you have a lot of choice.

* You colleagues may not have had it easy. Even if they have they are at a disadvantage. Once you overcome your current obstacles you will be someone who is good at overcoming obstacles, and you will accelerate beyond what the ones that 'had it easy' will ever achieve.

------
AC__
There are many complex factors contributing to your perceived socio-economic
well being or lack there of, I don't have all the answers. I do have some
advice though, stop running a pity party, I have fallen into this trap myself
in the past. Here is some perspective, every 10 seconds a child dies from
malnourishment. Moving forward there are beacons of hope, knowledge is
becoming open, accessible and free for almost everyone instead of being sold
as a commodity and I can't imagine fiat currency surviving the decade...I mean
come on people lol(economics is pseudo-science)

