
I Want You to Apologize  - peter123
http://blogs.harvardbusiness.org/bregman/2009/04/harness-the-power-of-apology.html
======
calambrac
The part about the medical malpractice lawsuits makes the article worth the
read, but wtf is up with his opening anecdotes?

 _I was instantly furious. I pulled out fast to chase the other car, leaning
on my horn and flashing my lights. Finally, the car stopped and I pulled up
right behind him, still honking. We both got out of our cars._

Really? Because you almost pulled out in front of the guy? Why is he the one
apologizing to you, again?

 _A friend of mine, Paul Rosenfield, was skiing with his six-year-old son
Yonah when Yonah fell. It was not a terrible fall, but the binding didn't
release and Yonah broke his leg. After an emotionally wrenching day spent in
the emergency room tending to his child, Paul went to the shop to return the
skis and speak with the owner._

Your kid breaks his leg skiing, just like a trillion other kids every winter,
and you march up to the guy asking for what sounds like evidence you can take
to court, wtf do you think his reaction is going to be? That he's going fall
all over himself to admit that he screwed up when he probably doesn't remember
your kid and probably honestly thinks he did nothing wrong? Like he hasn't
seen a million assholes just like you who _do_ want more than an apology?

~~~
azanar
_Your kid breaks his leg skiing, just like a trillion other kids every winter,
and you march up to the guy asking for what sounds like evidence you can take
to court, wtf do you think his reaction is going to be? That he's going fall
all over himself to admit that he screwed up when he probably doesn't remember
your kid and probably honestly thinks he did nothing wrong? Like he hasn't
seen a million assholes just like you who do want more than an apology?_

You have just laid out the causality dilemma of this whole situation. Before
the ski shop owner will own up to his mistakes, he must be convinced that the
average patron is not confronting him to gather data for a lawsuit. Before the
average person will forgo a lawsuit, he must be able to get a straight story
from the ski shop manufacturer. Both parties enter into the confrontation with
a defensive posture, expecting it to escalate, and so that is precisely what
it does.

The author's point is to diffuse this sort of reaction, by explaining that all
of this knee-jerk defensiveness is counter-productive, expensive, and becomes
more about sabotaging the other person and less about resolving the original
issue with a minimum of fuss. The problem is that when you start from the
presumption that your customers are "a million assholes", the conclusion is
already set in stone; you have already made it about these people being
litigious assholes, and so that's what they will become. There is another
option, but _someone_ has to be willing to risk that option, go against
conventional wisdom, and be the one to diffuse the tension before it escalates
beyond repair.

By the author's own examples, going against conventional wisdom seems to work
well. I'm not surprised, it usually does.

~~~
calambrac
Of course you're right that this is the fundamental dilemma, and I generally
agree with what you (and the author) are saying.

The point I was trying to make, though, is that it cuts both ways: If you know
it's a litigious society, you have to be aware of what's going to be in the
other person's mind when you flex your "I was wronged" muscles. Marching up to
someone who isn't cut-and-dry responsible for wronging you and demanding an
apology, that's a really assholish thing to do.

 _Before the average person will forgo a lawsuit_

I really hope that the average person thinks of a lawsuit as a last resort,
rather than as something to forgo.

------
noonespecial
Sadly, in this "check with your attorney" world, the very first thing they
tell you is never _ever_ , under any circumstances or in any way indicate the
possibility of any wrongdoing on your part, accidental or otherwise.

Who is at fault is something that should only be decided in court at
$450/hour.

We have taken their advice with alacrity.

~~~
zmimon
I remember reading about a proposal for a kind of "good samaritan" type law
that would prevent people from being made liable through giving an apology. (I
think this was specifically for medical malpractice.) It seems like a good
idea.

I think some of this problem comes about because of ambiguity in the english
language that prevents us from expressing ourselves properly. Saying sorry can
mean both that you feel regret but it also can mean that you accept
responsibility, and which is which is ambiguous. It's a shame that one can't
apologize sincerely and then argue in court that your apology was the former
and not the latter - but it seems you can't.

If we just had a better way of saying this kind of thing then I think a lot of
the problem would go away.

~~~
cschneid
The ambiguity of language reminded me of a Demitri Martin joke:
<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_PLa_MpNGQA> 4:15ish.

------
petercooper
_We have big problems in this country._

We sure do, when a seemingly intelligent gentleman who "consults about how to
lead and how to live" goes _chasing_ after someone else over a minor issue.
This is how road rage incidents start. Why are some people so quick to anger?
There was no accident - just forget about it dude. I almost had someone
reverse into me the other day - I just laughed it off.

People will always be crazy and do things you don't like. If you go around
forcing everyone to apologize, your quality of life will suffer and you'll
never be happy. Live and let live.

That said, the rest of his point is well made. If you're the one who does
something wrong, apologizing is well worth the effort. If you're one who is
wronged, however, don't _expect_ it. Perhaps the guy who cut you up on the
freeway really does feel a little sorry but can't admit it. Perhaps he's
fighting to get a dying family member. Life is complex and we all have to
apologize _and_ forgive.

~~~
josefresco
First of all, you should apologize to Peter for insinuating that his short
temper is a major problem for our country.

All jokes aside, I sort of liked the journey this article took. Starting with
a personal anecdote, moving on to some real data (albeit not much) and ending
with a pro Obama/Anti-Bush commentary.

~~~
petercooper
If there's an award for deftly weaved wit, you are taking home the prize this
year!

------
dtap
_When the University of Michigan Health System experimented with full
disclosure, existing claims and lawsuits dropped from 262 in 2001 to 83 in
2007._

Wow. That speaks to me since it directly translates to dollars saved.

~~~
whatusername
Depends on what the win/lose ratio is.

If they only lost on 25% of the 2001 suits (or just lost smaller amounts in
general), compared to 95% of the 2007 ones - then they would come out behind.
Probably still a big saving.

------
ShabbyDoo
I'm thinking about the times when I've been involved in a software deployment
gone awry. In highly-politicized companies, everyone points their fingers at
some other person/group. "If they had configured the database properly...."
Nobody's taking even partial blame, so forget about apologies. In most cases,
everybody's at fault in some way, so everybody ought to be taking blame for
something. However, if one group does the "right" thing and admits a failure,
the other groups seize the opportunity to exonerate themselves at the honest
group's expense. So, nobody wants to be the first to flinch. How can cultures
change so that the self-aware are rewarded for honesty and those in convenient
denial are punished?

~~~
andreyf
In my experience, it won't. As you pointed out, they are in a typical Nash
equilibrium - everyone is maximizing their utility, and will be punishes
severely for acting otherwise. Find another company.

------
swolchok
Summary: Apologizing is free and it makes things better. Why not?

I got the same basic message from How to Win Friends and Influence People --
being nice/smiling/etc. is free, you just have to remember to do it and
counteract any natural grumpiness.

------
blogimus
Its funny how no one is apologizing, but everyone is asking how I am doing.

------
quellhorst
The guy who wrote the article should apologize for how he responded.

------
puneetht
This is one of the best posts I have ever read on HN. Kudos to the author

------
joshu
I am sorry! It will never happen again.

