
Hacking Kids - Part 1 - eytanlevit
http://www.eytanlevit.com/post/32391027251/hacking-kids-part-1
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To anyone who is not a parent reading this, please note that not everyone's
experience of parenthood is blissful. The first few years of fatherhood were,
for me, the unhappiest of my life.

Don't get me wrong - I've always loved my kids, but the physical and emotional
demands they put on you, and the relentlessness of those demands, are
impossible to understand from the outside. My youngest was almost two before
she slept through a full night, and the constant exhaustion had a profound
effect on my relationship with my wife, on our sex life, on my health, on my
whole outlook on life.

Children are not experiments, they are actual really real people who will live
in your house with you for 18 years or more. You will love them, yes, and
hopefully they'll love you, but if you think love circumvents everyday
practical difficulties then you've never experienced it.

New parents - please PLEASE don't only listen to stories of how amazing
parenthood is, or you may get the shock of your life (as I did)

(FWIW my youngest is 4 now, and I'm probably the happiest I've ever been - but
who knows what teenage years will bring)

~~~
tomjen3
That you. I am constantly annoyed that most parents aren't honest about how
much babies suck.

Even after they have admitted that they basically killed their own children by
beating them to death they will still claim that they are good parents and
absolutely love their children.

Please don't get kids and treat them as an experiment. Don't get children, at
all, unless you have spend significant time with kids and are completely sure
about that you want children and have been so for years (not as in eventually,
but as in right now).

And don't get them to "save the marriage". That you can even consider that as
an idea shows that you are unfit to be a parent.

~~~
cafard
Babies are exhausting--except as regards nourishment I wouldn't use the
expression "suck".

'And don't get them to "save the marriage". That you can even consider that as
an idea shows that you are unfit to be a parent.'

There I agree with you--it seems a splendid way to start with 2 unhappy people
and end up with more.

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fjaved
Great post! As a father of a 2.7 yo and a 1.3 yo, I agree with your points and
would add the following (among others):

\- Having kids makes you a better communicator generally. It's easy to get
frustrated with kids and adults when they don't do what you say. Having kids
makes you realize that you need to look at yourself first. Repetition matters.
Consistency matters. Being the best example of what you want them to be
matters. Having high expectations and then doing your part in helping them get
there matters. And so on. The maturity that comes with these realizations make
you so much more effective in other ways as a communicator.

\- Having kids makes you INCREDIBLY efficient. After I had kids, I decided to
be home by 6.30p every day with my mind cleared and ready for my family. Per
Parkinson's law ("work expands to fill the time you give it"), I figured any
level of success can be had while meeting that constraint, provided you (and
your environment--a big factor) prioritize accordingly. So I've become
incredibly efficient. Once I made efficiency a priority, I realize that
improving my thinking was a necessary step. Among other things, I started
meditating as a way to improve mental clarity and the ability to switch
efficiently between tasks. It's had a huge impact on my life in ways beyond
what I intended. I now do more things than I did before I had kids and wonder
what I did with all the time I had before I had kids!

~~~
eytanlevit
Great points, totally agree.

Regarding the meditation, it's really interesting - could you tell a bit more
about how it has helped you, do you do it every day, how long, what exact
meditation technique and where did you learn it?

~~~
fjaved
I've just found my thinking to be much clearer. Meditation is essentially
practice in awareness: awareness of your thoughts, awareness of your focus,
awareness of your emotions. It doesn't mean being able to ignore or eliminate
them, just becoming aware of them and reacting accordingly.

Ideally, I'd like to do it twice a day for 20 mins each, but right now at
least I average every other day or so for 20 minutes after the kids are
asleep.

I first heard about it when reading stuff by Ray Dalio, founder of the hedge
fund Bridgewater Associates. He called it the best return on investment he
ever made so that piqued my curiosity.

There's a great online resource at
[http://www.insightmeditationcenter.org/books-
articles/medita...](http://www.insightmeditationcenter.org/books-
articles/meditation-instruction/)

There are a couple of different types of techniques that seem to be variations
of each. Transcendental Meditation is possibly the most famous (or notorious).
It's expensive and has a "secretive" air to it.

Sara Lazar, who does research on the effect of meditation on the brain, was
really helpful. Check out her talk here:
<http://www.tedxcambridge.com/thrive/sara-lazar/>

She recommended a few places that eventually led me to the Insight Meditation
Center.

------
guylhem
[WARNING - sorry if this is considered trollish - this is my own analysis,
where I try to consider the general issue without giving in to emotions]

I am concerned that the positive outlook is given and shared ( and commented
here on HN) by persons who describe themselves as parents.

Besides the potential biais due to social pressure (not liking kids is
socially throwned upon, which might favor expressing a positive opinion and
keeping quiet about a negative opinion) I wonder how much of this is about
sunk costs?

I mean, when you have a child, it's a sunk cost - you can't get rid of it
(putting a child to adoption is also socially throwned upon) or decide it
would have been better to do without one, so you try and get the best of it.

[Even considering this, you will have to take care of it for 18 years
(legally) and then add financial costs for the child college/university etc.]

Considering most couple stick with a limited number of kids, the marginal
return seems to decrease.

But given the social pressure to a) like children and b) do not put children
into adoption, maybe we are not just looking at marginal returns, but at what
the real decision should be when sunk costs are removed.

The fact, noted by other posters, that kid makes you efficient is at least
doubtful. Maybe you will be more efficient for the time spent at work, but if
you spend much less time that your "improved" efficiency factor, as most
parents seem to like spending time with kids, you are overall less efficient.

~~~
codex
In my experience, kids do make you 2x-3x more efficient, at least. You can
only do so much real work in a day and you're forced to move that work into a
smaller time interval. However, your mileage may vary.

I think the positive outlook given my parents simply stems from the fact that
they wouldn't make a different decision if they had to do it all over again,
even if it was a giant pain in the ass. It's less of an unconcious aversion to
admitting mistakes and more that, after all is said and done, they would
rather have their child (and the memories of them) than to spend 18 more years
being childless. Childlessness is fun but it does lose novelty, and some
things are worth it even though they can be hard.

------
joelhooks
I've got 4 kids, from 14 to 5, and have always treated it as a "grand
experiment". We've made some decisions that are a bit "outside the norm" -
mostly the choice to home educate. It's been scary, but seeing the results as
the oldest enters adulthood is fascinating, awesome, and rewarding.

~~~
biafra
Why did you decide to home educate, and who is doing it?

------
michelleclsun
Thanks for sharing!

I'm curious about your experience running your own early stage startup and
raising kids at the same time. (I was also inspired after meeting with Joel to
start blogging!)

When did you start YouSites, was it before or after having kids? What was the
reason behind that decision? As an entrepreneur and a new parent, what
experiences have been most rewarding, and what would you have done
differently?

------
plehoux
I'm a new father (4 weeks). From the pregnancy, to the delivery, to the first
smile, to the every morning warmly feeling of having created life with my love
one, it is all about love and sincerity. We are already thinking about a
second one...

~~~
codex
I hate to say this, but the first month or so is a honeymoon period when the
baby is unusually quiet, sleepy, and peaceful. Maximum sleep deprivation
probably kicks in at around three months. Also, any smiles you see at this age
are involuntary and not social. Mark my words: it will get much harder.

~~~
sv123
Just about to hit 3 months, I thought it was supposed to get better by now!

~~~
codex
From personal experience, it gets good at around six months, and even better
just before a year. Judging by the number of siblings I see spaced 18 months
apart, I think others agree.

However, there is another difficult period around 2-3 where they rebel against
your authority, and it is a constant battle to reassert control. On one hand,
they have more motivation, more time, more energy, and fewer distractions. On
the other hand, it's usually 2 vs. 1, and you control the food and
entertainment.

------
leke
“it’s better to regret something you did than something you didn’t do”

Isn't that line from Satan, by Orbital?

~~~
eytanlevit
I heard it first when I was 16, listening to Red Hot Chilli Peppers song
called Deep Kick

Song: <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjj6ZnTAeUA> Lyrics:
[http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Deep-Kick-lyrics-
Red-...](http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Deep-Kick-lyrics-Red-Hot-
Chili-Peppers/73A75D885E02B2BB48256A100012726C)

I remember... 10 years ago in Hollywood We did some good and we did some real
bad stuff but the Butthole Surfers said It's better to regret something you
did Than something you didn't do

