
Ask HN: How can I stop being jealous of people who succeed before me? - loglinear
Hi Hacker News,<p>I am a tech entrepreneur. I&#x27;ve dedicated my life to technology and building products that can help people. I&#x27;m relatively smart and really hardworking. My success thus far has been modest, though I have been able to raise funding from a prestigious VC firm. My standards are high so I do not consider fundraising any kind of success. I also detest self promotion and so I have not announced the fundraise. My startup feels like it has just recently found product market fit but I&#x27;m not sure. Either way I will go for it. The problem is everytime i try to hone in on myself and focus on my goals I hear about someone I know or someone &quot;like me&quot; (i.e. they have similar attributes, aren&#x27;t friends but are in my peer group, and are working on a similar idea or an idea i&#x27;ve had in the past) whose raised a bunch of money and is all over the press and in some cases has achieved real success. I have this negative feeling for hours, days sometimes that I can only assume is jealousy. Perhaps because I am competitive. Perhaps because in addition to wanting to build products and help people, I am human and I want to be the &quot;first&quot; or the &quot;best&quot; in my peer group. I don&#x27;t like feeling this feeling though because I know that I genuinely wish this people well and that if i myself were successful I wouldn&#x27;t feel this way...or maybe I would? I&#x27;d love your help and advice on how I can do away with this feeling and focus on being a world class entrepreneur. I am not OK with being OK with failure and I do not accept being mediocre, but there has to be a way of being competitive in a healthy way without having to unfollow every stream of social media from peers that succeed and without having to feel envious of others. Sorry for the long rant but I&#x27;d really like to turn the leaf in the new year and I appreciate your help!
======
ahelwer
A quote from _This is Water_ , the commencement address given by David Foster
Wallace:

“Because here's something else that's weird but true: in the day-to day
trenches of adult life, there is actually no such thing as atheism. There is
no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get
is what to worship. And the compelling reason for maybe choosing some sort of
god or spiritual-type thing to worship—be it JC or Allah, be it YHWH or the
Wiccan Mother Goddess, or the Four Noble Truths, or some inviolable set of
ethical principles—is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you
alive. If you worship money and things, if they are where you tap real meaning
in life, then you will never have enough, never feel you have enough. It's the
truth. Worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel
ugly. And when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths
before they finally grieve you. On one level, we all know this stuff already.
It's been codified as myths, proverbs, clichés, epigrams, parables; the
skeleton of every great story. The whole trick is keeping the truth up front
in daily consciousness.

Worship power — you will feel weak and afraid, and you will need ever more
power over others to keep the fear at bay. Worship your intellect, being seen
as smart — you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of
being found out. And so on.”

This is not an attempt to convert you to religion. I recommend reading or
listening to the entire piece. Reflect on your motivations for doing what you
do, and consider if they are even congruent to not being envious of others.

~~~
eCa
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CrOL-
ydFMI](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CrOL-ydFMI)

~~~
wildmXranat
Hearing David talk about "... the mind being an excellent servant, but a
terrible master... " and then talk about adults who commit suicide "... it is
not a least bit coincidental, that adults who commit suicide with firearms,
shoot themselves in the head. They shoot the terrible master ..." sadly
sounded like his own eulogy. The script of that talk is so lean. It wastes no
words and tries to paint a specific picture for all in the crowd. I wish I
heard it some time ago when I graduated in 2006.

------
rewward
Three things.

1) Success is a fashion, and a very dynamic and fickle one. Opinions of
success (your own and everyone else's) are constantly changing. While it might
seem today others are beating you, tomorrow could be your day in the press
without you doing anything differently. This should help you see how little
opinions of success really matter.

2) You are in control of the fashions you choose to follow and how you let
them affect you.

3) Entrepreneurship is tough, and this is one of the reasons. The feeling will
never get better; you'll find the more "successful" you are the worse it gets.
Learn to accept this feeling and leverage it rather than fight it.

~~~
loglinear
Thank you! Why do you think it gets worse with "success"? That seems counter-
intuitive!

~~~
rewward
One, because "success" often comes with more responsibility and less choice.
More people depend on you, in more ways, and you can't let them down if you
want to keep your "success".

You might find it annoying to unfollow your successful acquaintances, but
imagine how it feels to be on the other end, with multiple investors
threatening to pull funding and kill your company when your "social media
presence" is waning -- and you can't even express your frustration on Twitter
because that would be company suicide.

Secondly, it gets worse because your standards of comparison change. You
compare upwards to people with even more success. And, since "success" metrics
are exponentially distributed, so is the gap that you feel between the people
more "successful" than you.

~~~
funkyy
"comes with more responsibility and less choice"

As everything in life - YOU are the one limiting yourself. If you feel
pressure from society to do or avoid some decisions, then you shouldn't be in
that position in the first place. Only strongest successful people can remain
their autonomy despite investors and fame.

Look what people from Uber do. Steve Jobs, E-harmony folks or even GoDaddy
owner. We disagree with their decisions and even sometimes boycot their
companies - but they often remain unwilling to change.

------
karmacondon
The grass is always greener.

Whatever you have, someone else has a better version of it. Whatever you have,
someone else would kill to have it themselves.

The only way to step outside of the cycle is to start comparing yourself to
yourself. Whatever it is that you do, be better at it. Be the best at it.
Don't focus on improving, focus on straight up dominating. It's counter
intuitive, but the best way to get to the next level is to acknowledge that
you aren't very good right now. It's difficult, most successful people refuse
to admit any kind of fault or regret. That's fine for the merely successful.
But you should be trying to become _godlike_. When you aspire to that level,
how much money other people raise or how often they appear in the press won't
matter to you any more than the business of ants on the ground. If you want to
transcend envy[0], you must transcend yourself and your current level of
ambition.

It doesn't matter what anyone else is doing, or what people think of them. It
doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you. Show the world something wonderful
and amazing, do things that people didn't think were possible. Solve a real
problem for millions of people, or just impress yourself with how cool what
you've made is. Do whatever is necessary to make your name shine, whatever the
cost. Everything else will take care of itself.

[0] pedantry: "envy" is the desire for what others have, "jealousy" is the
fear that someone else will take what you have.

~~~
_nullandnull_
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tmx1jpqv3RA](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tmx1jpqv3RA)

------
q2
I suggest meditation everyday for some time. During meditation, over a period
of time, you will pull all of your thoughts which are currently on different
worldly material things back into your mind, remove undesired ones and re-
release them towards desired goals. It is like sending car into garage for
washing. It is automatic process, which happens during meditation/chanting
mantra like "om".

Please note I am _not_ suggesting isolation or moving to forest for meditation
...etc. You can stay where you are but consciously allocate some time for
meditation, in a room where you may not be disturbed by others for some time.
Please note it is _not_ reflection on past activities of yours or others.
During meditation, just forget outside world,time,circumstances and focus on
mantra. It helps in bringing mental peace, strength and this will bring change
in behaviour, feelings towards others. It takes some time and practice.

Also, please understand, though we are in same place at the same time, our
origins,destinations,paths all are different in this journey called life. Once
you realized that, you will start some mental search on your destination and
its place in this world and focus on your material goals i.e. focus on others
will be reduced i.e. qualities like jealousy will be reduced over period of
time. Also, during interactions with others, ensure your focus will be on
positive things. Our mind is like horse and as rider, we need to preemptively
focus on what we want. It won't change on its own to where/how we want to go.

Hope it helps and if you wish, let us know after some time (may be one year)
on your progress. There may be many books on meditation also. They may further
help.

EDIT: Minor grammar corrections.

------
brandonmenc
I think you can comfort yourself with the fact that there _is_ so much success
in this industry.

Imagine what it must be like for someone who is the best in a field where
there's no money or success to be had. No thanks. Every time I see a big
payout I think, "Good for them. This is a signal that I'm in the right
business."

If my peers didn't have anything I could be jealous of, I'd start worrying.

------
rajacombinator
Are you avoiding self promotion at the expense of your company? Because not
announcing a fundraise from a "prestigious VC" sounds like a mistake - you're
basically throwing away free publicity and customers.

Anyway, I'd revisit your motivations for what you're doing. It sounds like
you're chasing "achievement" defined by others rather than what you want.

------
lolwutf
Eventually, you realize life is just a fucked up series of events that, once
in a while, have no meaning, are cruel, or don't happen in a logical or fair
way!

For example, the people behind the Yo app spent a few hours on the weekend
building it as a side project, reaped tons of press and attention, and
eventually landed themselves a boatload of VC money.

Is that fair to the people out there like yourself and myself, who are slaving
away to make Real Change happen in this world? No!

But, that's life. Life is cruel, it's weird, sometimes it doesn't make sense,
and sometimes it just comes down to a little bit (or alot) of dumb luck. It's
shitty and raw to think about, but it's reality.

My advice is to use your jealousy as a motivator, but don't allow it get to
you. Seek your own happiness and your own success, according to your own
benchmarks for both.

Keep pushing, keep hustling, and keep hoping that, one day, luck swings in
your favor and you land that massive success and or payday, too. And, all the
while, remember in the back of your head that you may die before that day ever
comes.

No matter what though: retain your sanity and defend your own happiness...
forget all else.

EDIT - Your perception of 'success' may also have little, or transient
meaning. For example, lots of people think the current 'success' of the tech
industry is a facade, and we're due for a bubble-like collapse (er,
'contraction'). If that happens, all of those successful acquaintances you
currently look up to don't sound so successful now, do they?

------
davismwfl
I get what you are saying and don't know how you would change your feelings,
but I know a number of years ago I read a book (can't recall now which one) on
being a successful entrepreneur. The key takeaway I had from that read was to
ignore what others are doing because their success or failure has no relation
to what you are capable of.

That said, the book also pointed out that you shouldn't ignore others success
or failure, but instead use it to learn from, i.e. it isn't about the person
it is about how they failed or succeeded. IMO, using another person as your
measuring stick of success/failure is limiting you to their lows and highs,
instead measure yourself to the goals you set, and if you are failing there be
critical and fix it, but if you are winning you are golden regardless of what
Jill, Jack or Danny did.

You have already done something that a very small percentage of people ever
do, regardless of how it looks from the inside of the tech industry. You made
a team of people believe in your idea, help you fund your idea and think it
has enough merit to potentially have a great outcome. That is awesome.

BTW -- Self promotion is the hardest thing for many (if not most) intelligent,
honest people to do, but what I have learned is that if you are not telling
people who you are they will make assumptions and draw conclusions on their
own and very likely those assumptions and conclusions will be half-truths,
hearsay or made up and likely not in your favor. For whatever reason our
society loves to scream negatively much louder than positively, don't let that
be your fate by not being your own best advocate. Of course, balance &
moderation in everything seems prudent.

------
paulsutter
Peter Thiel says competition is for losers, and he's not just talking about
business strategy. Does Elon Musk waste energy comparing himself to other
people? Does Larry Page seem obsessed with outperforming others? Steve Jobs?
Mark Zuckerberg? Notice that these people respect and support each other.

Finance, Law, and Politics are more common destinations for people obsessed
with finite games[1]. Best school, best firm, corner office, most socially
respectable spouse, biggest bonus.

Work is more fulfilling when you wake up every morning focused on creating
value for your customers, or finding a larger goal where you can make a
contribution. If you focus on defeating others, you're going to be miserable.

My sole practical suggestion: once a week, find a way to help another person
succeed. Even something small. You /can/ feel happy when others do well.

[1]
[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Finite_and_Infinite_Games](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Finite_and_Infinite_Games)

------
georgemcbay
Someday (very soon, geologically speaking) you'll be dead and even if you're
successful (personally and/or publicly) enough to be remembered past your
death entropy will eventually win out.

On a long enough timeline nothing you ever do will actually matter.

So don't worry about it. Have fun. Do what makes you happy.

~~~
Retra
You have a point, but your supporting assumptions don't make it. "In the long
term things don't matter" doesn't matter unless you're going to be around in
the long term to see them matter.

Either way, I wholeheartedly disagree with you. "Have fun, do what makes you
happy" helps ensure that what you do doesn't even matter now -- never-mind it
not mattering later. You are basically saying "since you can't be a god, you
might as well not even try hard." It's black-and-white thinking at its worst.

You should do what you know matters; what your experiences are telling you is
important. And even if 'you' die, the you that is a generic human with basic
human needs and social identity will not die. It will live on in other people.
You're not that different from humans that lived 50,000 years ago. The
important parts of what you were then haven't died in that time. Make the
world a better place for those who would live 50,000 years in the future --
because someone very much like you might want to know what you had to teach.

That person might even be an exact replica of you. Surely someone will
generally want what you want and feel what you feel. Care for that person:
they are your second chance.

~~~
georgemcbay
I'm not sure you disagree with me as much as you think you do.

To clarify a bit more:

If being a successful entrepreneur is what makes you happy, do that. If
raising a fantastic family makes you happy, do that. If tirelessly helping the
poor makes you happy, do that. Yes, these things matter in the shortish term.
And by "happy" I don't mean a minute-to-minute happiness. All of the things I
do that make me happiest in the end are fraught with stress, pain and hard
work.

My point wasn't that you should sit around watching reality tv all day, there
are very few people I know for whom that would actually make them happy. It is
just meant to put things into perspective relative to long-term thinking
patterns like "how am I doing vis-à-vis the Joneses". It really doesn't
matter.

~~~
Retra
I disagree that you should care about your own happiness. Happiness is not a
meaningful goal unless you are willing wrap it in nonsensical notions like
"actual happiness."

Actual happiness? How is that different from happiness?

My recommendation is to get good at _making decisions_. That way, should
happiness be needed, you will be better able to produce it. But if you need
something very different, you will be prepared to produce that, too. Happiness
is just too myopic and selfish. Good decision-making will often result in
happiness, but it's not the sole justification for it. (It will often result
in unhappiness, too.)

Talking about long-term entropy isn't a reliable way to make decisions. If we
think of 'meaning' as "that which separates signal from noise", you would be
saying that -- eventually -- we will be unable to separate them. But we don't
live in a reality in which that is the case: we can separate signal and noise
right now. So arguing from that point is an argument from fiction. It's kind
of like saying "we shouldn't build technology because someone might make the
Terminator and everybody will die." Your responsibility is to make the
Terminator first and design him so that he gives out hugs and candy. Or
whatever else that is good.

I probably sound overly argumentative about this. You have a good point, I'm
just trying to dig more deeply into it. I don't think there is a good answer
to OP's concern. I would just say "don't worry, just consider your life an
experiment," (as is my approach,) but then 'worry' is just part of the
experiment. Maybe worrying about it is exactly what he should do. Maybe he
shouldn't be happy. Maybe that's the only way to be a better person.

------
theorique
For this purpose, I've explored a variety of what I'd call "human algorithms"
to explore the emotional response to situations in life. I would describe
these as structured forms of self-questioning that a person can perform on
himself.

Generally, these have rather "New Age" titles: some popular ones include _Core
Transformation_ , _The Work_ , the _Sedona Method_ , the _Wholeness Process_.
Tech and computer people are often rather skeptical of such things, but I
would recommend giving one or more of them a try. If you don't like mystical
or spiritual explanations, it's often easier for sci-math inclined minds to
think of these as algorithms that you run on your own neural hardware, for the
purpose of improving your subjective experience of well-being in life.

------
dlevine
I don't think you can completely stop being jealous. Jealousy of other people
who have things that you want (or think that you want) is totally normal. To
try to deny that is to deny that you are human.

I have found personally that the best antidote to jealousy is to accept that I
have it 100%, rather than trying to suppress those feelings. The problem is
not actually having the feelings of jealousy, but in not being ok with having
those feelings. Once I have acknowledged those feelings fully, I often notice
that they quickly pass, and I can go back to focusing on whatever I was doing
before the feelings came.

~~~
dlevine
And, to add on to this, when I think about it a bit more, I usually realize
that I'm jealous not of the thing the person has, but of the feelings that I
believe that thing will bring (happiness and fulfillment). And the truth is
that perception is often wrong - success can bring unhappiness, while it is
possible to be happy and fulfilled without conforming to anyone else's
perception of "success."

------
cj
How a company is really doing is often disconnected from the press. I know
people in companies that appear to be doing fabulously on the outside, but
internally are horrible places to work.

There's two sides to every story. A lot of startup news articles are written
after the writer has a Skype call with a founder / exec, so you're only
reading what the founders choose to reveal (ie. only the positive stuff).

> I also detest self promotion and so I have not announced the fundraise.

Don't think of it as self promotion. It's company promotion.

Announcing funding can be particularly helpful if you're hiring.

~~~
burger_moon
It's definitely a point I look at when applying to startups. If they aren't
well funded then it leaves doubt that I may not have a job in a year after
taking a position there. I tend to skip over startups who don't appear to have
a good runway because there are so many companies hiring already who do post
that information.

------
davesque
I'm not sure I have any good advice for you, but I'd at least like to say that
I can relate. I think we all have to deal with feelings of jealousy or
inadequacy from time to time. I would imagine it tends to be worse among
people in the tech world since the industry is so competitive and the bar is
so high.

I think there's also somewhat of a culture in tech of treating "smart" people
like they're somehow innately different than "non-smart" people or that it's
hard for a "non-smart" person to become a "smart" person. You could also
substitute the word "smart" for "successful" in the previous sentence. Some
people might disagree with this assessment, but I'm fairly confident that it's
a wide-spread phenomenon.

I think a culture like that would tend to exaggerate feelings of jealousy and
such. If one person is made to feel like they can't possibly achieve the same
things as another, or if they suspect they're being denied opportunities on
account of another person's opinion of them, that would breed resentment and
jealousy. I'm not sure if that dynamic is at play in your life, but it's worth
stating all the same.

Anyhow, I wish you luck in dealing with those feelings. I know how crippling
they can be.

------
jacquesm
Stop looking at others so much and concentrate on your product and you'll have
a much easier time of it. All success is relative, it's not so much a
yardstick as an 'these were your opportunities and this is what you made of
them' thing.

Once you realize that you'll have an easier time of it. And keep in mind that
what you see in the press is quite rarely the unvarnished truth. It tends to
be a lot more glossy than reality.

------
steven777400
I am by far the least successful person in my "tech" peer group and have
struggled with jealousy and depression because of it.

I don't have the answer for you, but a couple things I've done. (A lot of this
might not work for you, because I'm not ambitious and I do accept being
mediocre)

For my "real" friends (defined as people who would like me even if I were
homeless and broke), I focus on what makes us friends: it's not technology or
success, it's experiences and time spent hanging out. I emphasize those
behaviors and de-emphasize "work" discussions.

For friends who just want to talk about their businesses and successes, I
distance myself. It might not be nice, but I have to take care of myself
emotionally first, and having my face rubbed in someone else's success doesn't
make me feel good.

I also try to befriend (even just as casual acquaintances) people
significantly lower on the economic scale. That way when one of my successful
friends posts on Facebook about their third tropical vacation in as many
months (and my default response is to get upset that I can't afford the time
or money for that kind of trip), then I also have another post to read about
someone who is struggling to make rent, and that gives me perspective. Really
I am in a good place overall, not the best place, not anywhere close to what
SV would call "successful", but there's a whole big world out there.

While we all squabble over who has covered more of the top half of Maslow's
hierarchy, there are a lot of people still working on the bottom half. It's
important to have a few people to put real faces on that to keep me grounded
in reality.

------
javajosh
* I've dedicated my life to ... building products that can help people.*

You need to ask yourself if that's really true. If it is, then your success is
easy to measure: number of people helped. If you haven't helped enough people
to feel satisfied, then your course of action is _also_ clear: help more
people.

 _raised a bunch of money... is all over the press... in some cases has
achieved real success_

The root of all unhappiness is believing something that isn't true. What's
more likely, that you've dedicated your life to helping people, or that your
motivation is money and recognition? One litmus test is to ask whether you'd
be happy making a fortune (complete with a big house, million dollar income,
maybe a writeup in Forbes) writing software for, oh, I don't know, a paycheck
cashing firm.

The fact is that you are selfish, greedy, egotistical. I don't say this to be
mean, but to be honest - it's true for 99.9% of humans. Each of us wants to be
special, to be the winner of our peer group; we all want to be envied (which
is precisely how people shape their image on social media).

One possible reconciliation is to firmly assert that people spend money on
things that they think will benefit them. Money is the primordial "like"
button. This implies that if you have a lot of money either: 1) you've
provided real value to lots of people, or 2) someone with lots of money
believes you can provide lots of value to people (e.g. a raise). (This doesn't
always seem to be the case; in fact, much of the wealthy people in the world
don't _appear_ to be doing much for it, although software firms are a clear
exception there.)

Bon chance.

------
lovelearning
If your products help people, then it's not self promotion at all, but an
offer you are making to those people who need that help. Some may find them
not useful, and a few may dismiss your efforts as self promotion, but why are
you ignoring the many who will find them useful if only they had heard about
them?

------
mikeleeorg
I have one quick tip. If you regularly read the typical startup press, like
TechCrunch, GigaOM, The Verge, etc (or heck, even Hacker News): STOP.

Stop reading about other startups. Instead, turn your news consumption to
general news topics, or better yet - news about your industry & your
customers. (If your customers are other startups, then, well, sorry...)

It sounds like a few of the ways you are measuring yourself are by raising
money, being in the press, and whatever you define as "real success".

I would argue that the first two are inconsequential, and ironically, you know
that too, because you haven't announced your fundraising.

If you cut out the inconsequential news from your news diet, you may find
yourself feeling a bit better. It may not resolve your feelings entirely, but
it may help. I know because I've been there, and this worked for me.

------
omnivore
Appreciate the rant, surely something that we've all felt at one time or
another. I was in the military years ago and one of the things someone said
that stuck with me is, everybody gets measured at their own level at their own
pace. That you can't take someone else's journey and where they started from
and act like that you need to use their benchmarks to measure yourself.

That's why it's so important for YOU to set YOUR goals, because only you can
know where you began and how to honestly assess where you're going. You can
enlist others and get help, but ultimately, it's gonna be up to you to make
those determinations.

Letting other people's accomplishments cloud where you've reached or still
have yet to reach will just make you crazy.

------
helen842000
A few things spring to mind

1) You are comparing yourself to the highlights reel of many others.

2) You can't run a race whilst looking over your shoulder

Try to change your mindset when hearing of others successes. Instead of
thinking 'why not me?' remind yourself you have not seen any of their
struggles. When you hear of an idea being successful that is similar to yours,
be glad that it proved your thought processes right and validated it for you
without effort.

Wouldn't it be more dis-heartening to consistently hear of people similar to
you, with similar ideas that did terribly?

All the signs of success are showing you that you are on the right path.

------
jqm
Don't worry. Even achieving more than the people you are currently jealous of,
there will be a whole new group of people to be jealous of. It will never end
until you die or understand.

Hope this helps put things in perspective.

------
jcfrei

        focus on being a world class entrepreneur
    

You are setting unrealistic standards for yourself. Whoever you consider a
"world class entrepreneur" most likely didn't succeed because of his skills
alone - there are so many more circumstantial effects involved in every
endeavor that we undertake (especially in a modern, highly complex and very
liberal economy like the US/EU). In short: working hard isn't enough, you
gotta be lucky too. And being jealous of other people's luck is just stupid.

------
DodgyEggplant
Not all basketball talents play at the NBA. And there are musicians after
Mozart and the Beatles. Look at people you can admire, and make even tiny
steps by their standards. You can be 10% Bill Gates (example, pick your own),
or 1%, or 0.01% or 0.0001%. But you are both on the same track. The important
thing is to push your limits to something you believe is worthy and that you
can give a unique contribution that pushes that something an inch forward.
Good luck.

------
meesterdude
I'd take a look at your standards and ideals and the role they play. I'm
willing to bet they are unrealistic, and are the root cause of your envy.
You're not concerned with simply doing well for yourself, you have to be
number 1! but the problem is there can be only one #1, and its foolish to be
unhappy or envious because you are #2, or #300. Stop comparing yourself to
others, and start comparing yourself to you from yesterday, or last year.

------
Ryel
The best thing you can do is be happy with where you are in your life right
now. It wont matter what other people are doing.

If you arent,

working on personal fulfillment should be your priority going into 2015.

*spelling

------
MarkTwins
Stop looking at others so much and concentrate on your product and you'll have
a much easier time of it. All success is relative, it's not so much a
yardstick as an 'these were your opportunities and this is what you made of
them' thing. Once you realize that you'll have an easier time of it. And keep
in mind that what you see in the press is quite rarely the unvarnished truth.
It tends to be a lot more glossy than reality.

------
Bahamut
Focus on whatever you do - success is part fortunate circumstances, so as long
as you do the right things to develop yourself or run your own business, that
is what matters. Some areas of tech earn more money than others, but what
should matter most to you is that you are passionate about what you are doing.

What other people are doing have little relevance to what you are doing except
that you can learn lessons from the successes and failures of others.

------
read
1\. Realize it's impossibly unlikely for two people to build the same thing,
even if they were sitting next to each other sharing their plans. The only
competition is with yourself.

2\. As a consequence: stop sprinting. Stop trying to release something
inferior by a certain date out of fear of competition. There is no time
pressure.

3\. As a plan: work on what only you could do best.

Expect nothing. Expectation is a prison.

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re_todd
It helped me when I realized that I am jealous of almost everyone, but I
always compare my weakness to their strengths. Now when I'm jealous, I just
say to myself "I'm focusing on their best attributes, I'm sure I'm better than
them in other things", and the jealousy quickly fades away.

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tenpoundhammer
Success = hard work + skill + Spinning the Wheel of Luck + some other stuff.

If you conflate self worth with Success, you leave your feelings up to chance.
Rate yourself on stuff you can actually control. Also don't forget that
personal relationships are an integral part of happiness and success
throughout your entire life.

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sabatier
The more you let it get you down the more you are doomed to failure in future.
Jealous thoughts will zap your motivation which is certainly NOT what you
want.

It's the people who are able to nip these jealous thoughts in the bud and
plough on with single-handed determination that will have the last laugh.

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arvn
If you ever want to be successful, you need to just let go. I used to be like
this but I quickly recognized it achieved nothing. The hours you spend being
negative could be spent working on your product. If it doesn't end up working
out, so be it.

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brad0
I suggest learning more about yourself and your motivations before moving any
further.

Try reading The 7 habits of highly effective people.

I'd say that your attitude toward failure is what's going to prevent you from
succeeding in the first place.

Also, don't be too hard on yourself!

------
jlhonora
_Control your emotions or they will control you_ \- Chinese proverb

------
Xizwe
Turn jealousy into motivation. I know it's easy to say than to do. But, if
what you have been longing for is really what you want, there is no other way
around but go get it.

------
dsirijus
Would you be more envious if there was a million people that are better at
whatever you're envious at or if there was exactly one such person?

------
hvd
Someone else's success is not your failure, internalizing that message is the
key.

------
jonnathanson
I was a successful kid. I was the valedictorian of my high school class. I had
my pick of the best colleges in the country. If you'd have asked anyone to
guess who'd grow up to be the most successful person in my circle, most people
would have guessed me. I was "successful" at that age because I was smart, but
more important, because I literally did nothing but study, study, work, and
study some more. This was a fantastic strategy for succeeding in a highly
structured, grade-based environment. Unfortunately, the world is not as highly
structured. The world doesn't give you letter grades. In school, there is a
direct correlation between effort and reward. In life, the correlation is
certainly there, but it's indirect and messy. Luck also plays a big role.

Flash forward to today. While I am modestly successful, I am far from the most
successful person I grew up with. Two of my elementary-school friends are huge
movie stars (one of them has been Oscar-nominated, and will probably win at
some point). One of my high-school friends is a phenomenally successful
musician, who also stars on a highly rated TV show. One of my early
colleagues, from when I was fresh out of college, is now the #2 production
executive at the world's most successful movie studio; his name is listed in
the credits, as Executive Producer, of almost every $1B+ movie released in the
last six or seven years. Many of my friends are TV writers, and some of them
earn millions of dollars a year. (In case it's not clear at this point, I grew
up in LA!). At least one of my friends is a tech entrepreneur worth close to
half a billion dollars. An ex-girlfriend (ouch!) was an early Google employee.

These people make me jealous as fuck. I'm not going to lie about it, and I'm
not going to sugarcoat it. If you're the competitive type, you'll _always_
feel a pang of envy over the success of your peers. Doubly so when your peers
are successful beyond their wildest dreams (or yours).

The first thing I'd recommend is accepting the jealousy, and recognizing it
for what it is. If you're a smart and introspective person, you won't be able
to bullshit yourself -- to will the jealousy away through new-agey mantras and
mind tricks. Instead, try to mine the envy for productive lessons. What about
these people made them as successful as they are? Are there any operative
takeaways for _you_?

Second, and much more important, is learning to be genuinely happy for the
success of others. _Especially_ the success of your dear friends. First,
because it's awesome when good things happen to people you like. Second,
because even from a highly cynical standpoint, wouldn't you rather be
_friends_ with all these fabulously successful people? I don't know about you,
but it does me absolutely no good when my friends are struggling.
Schadenfreude is a terrible investment strategy. Its ROI sucks.

I'd also recommend some light reading on the concept of "EQ" and management of
emotions. Emotional self-regulation doesn't always come naturally to me. I had
to study and practice. Like everything else in life. Most of the literature
will tell you that there's no use in hiding from, avoiding, or pretending your
emotions don't exist. Acknowledge them, be mindful of them, and actively
attempt to short-circuit them, to channel them in more productive directions,
or to move to their adjacent (and often more beneficial) emotional correlates.
Jealousy, for instance, seems somewhat adjacent to ambition on the emotional
color wheel. When you find yourself feeling jealous, don't try to make the
leap from jealous to happy. It doesn't work that way. Instead, move from
jealous to driven.

Finally, some of the best advice I've received on the topic of envy comes from
pop culture: "Do you." You can't control whether your best friend wins the
lottery, or your second cousin sells his startup to Facebook. You _can_
control what you want to do, and how you're doing it.

------
caspercrf
“Comparison is the thief of joy.” ― Theodore Roosevelt

------
niche
ohm-ing is very helpful

three part ohm a-o-m (aaaaaahhhhhhhh ooooooooooooooooooooooo mmmmmmm)

as low pitched as possible

------
funkyy
I will tell you quick story when I had same problem as you.

I was once extremely successfully person in my field of expertise. It was
specific niche, small market (global, but still small considering there was
estimated 10K possible leads in it). At the peak I would manage a bit short of
100 people working for me as contractors and I have tapped around 6-7% of
global market (per estimates top providers of service shared with itself).
Everything was going extremely well, I was doing amazing financially. But the
issues began rising within me. I felt I wasn't ready for this. I hit the
ceiling. I couldn't scale anymore. I was blind and my decisions in other
fields were extremely poor (it took some balls to acknowledge this - since I
didnt liked to critique my business methods).

It was strange - depression like feeling. I didn't expect to get it AFTER I
got so successful. Living the dream (I moved to remote location in tropical
paradise) I would sit all day at home with shutters closed. I couldn't go
forward. I didnt expected that I couldn't grow any more. My market was limited
and my ambition was hurt. The success came too easy to me and I wasn't ready
for it.

Upon a lot of thinking and stressing I would finally close my company within a
week, let go all contractors after giving them away all my leads to them so
they could offer the service directly to customers, and would move to
different country while "burning all the bridges". With enough money to
sustain myself for 6 months I would do something completely stupid just to
prove myself I wasnt that good, that I was doing it all wrong - I have created
company in a market I didnt know anything about, market that was over-
saturated and hostile.

After few months of barely having any revenue I run out of my money and was
left with scraps. Got in to deep depression, being mad at myself that I hurted
one person I cared about - my partner, as I have dragged her with me in to
this (but with her agreeing this was best for us, so at least it was our
choice, not just mine).

Got back to my home town, moved back to my parents house and started
rethinking everything from basics - why I am who I am. I understood how many
lies are in entrepreneurship world and how "survival of the fittest" is the
most important lesson. Good taste is everything in online biz world, and as
with failed startups people wont tell you you are wrong, they wont tell you
the true way of doing business. They will say "Great Idea! I love it! I would
use it anytime! Now join me in Twitter, like XXX pages and pay back b*tch for
me being nice to you!" Circle of narcissistic, spoiled kids.

After 6 months I was ready, I opened new business with €100 investment for
domain and hosting I had left after spending rest for food (I refused anyone
to help me financially) and quickly started making revenue and getting back on
track. I removed all limits, I do not limit myself any more. I do not think of
"making $XX.XXX profit target" which is counter-productive. Who cares whats
the profit? Is it better to have $100K company and make $60K profit, or have
$100Mil company and make $3K profit a month?

You cannot succeed - go above your targets because you are limiting yourself.
People will tell you some BS like "its not you" \- dont listen to this. Every
single problem you might have right now will have root inside you and way you
are doing this. You will need to learn how to remove those limits now by
failing, or by really going back in your life and trying to understand
yourself and judging/reviewing every single action that lead you to position
you are in. Perfectly both though.

Once you remove those limits you will be free and happy again and everything
will come 2 times easier to you.

Good Luck!

------
beachstartup
"Jealousy is when you worry someone will take what you have. Envy is wanting
what someone else has."

\-- Homer Simpson (seriously)

i'm an entrepreneur too, with some modest success. my company makes single-
digit millions/year in revenue, i take home a low six figure annual salary - i
don't mention specific numbers because it changes all the time.

it sounds like you need to figure out what you're _actually_ envious of, and
decide if you want to achieve it or not. otherwise you're just being pummeled
helpless by your own subconscious desires, which is a type of personal hell.

personally, i don't give a shit about recognition or fame or doing a great
thing for society (right now), i just want lots of money. i'm not ashamed to
admit it - i tell people this in real life too. i want to make a lot of money,
so i can buy a lot of cool shit and not struggle with bills (not that i ever
have, but you know what i mean). i came to this conclusion after a
considerable amount of thought and self-reflection, and it took a while for me
to be able to admit it to myself (and others).

some people aren't in it for the money - they're in it for the fame, or
recognition, or they want to prove their dad wrong, or some other completely
personal reason, and the money is just a side effect since it's so pervasive
in our society.

once you identify what you actually want, and admit it to yourself, you can
set about on your mission of achieving it without being caught up in your own
petty mental nonsense. that's just an indicator you aren't being honest with
yourself (and possibly others).

~~~
loglinear
Thanks for the honest feedback! How does being honest with yourself prevent
you from being envious or jealous though? In your case let's assume you were
NOT making a six figure salary and you were making say $60K /yr and you had
admitted to yourself (and others) that you wanted to make lots of money and
then a friend of a friend who you aren't close to but familiar with (who you
know also wants to make lots of money) starts something and starts making
$1M/yr when just last week they were making $60K alongside you. How do you
prevent yourself from being envious/ deal with being envious? It seems at best
orthogonal to the issue of honesty and at worst seems like complete open
honesty will make it even worse because people now expect you to be jealous
(unlikely).

~~~
beachstartup
first, i would recommend travelling to a poor or developing country and taking
a hard look around for a good solid week or more.

second, be aware of your feelings and emotions, don't try to suppress them.
analyze them and use them as motivation.

third, learn what you can from successful people, either directly or by
observation.

finally, when you get older, you will realize all that other stuff you find so
distracting now has literally absolutely no bearing on whether or not YOU will
succeed at your goals, so there's only one thing you can do, and that's work
on your own shit. once you come to this realization, a lot of the stupid crap
floating around in your head will just sort of disappear.

