
Anti-Love Drug May Be Ticket to Bliss  - makimaki
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/13/science/13tier.html?_r=2&ref=science
======
stcredzero
_...would you want to start building a long-term relationship with a short-
term drug?_

I tried it. A friend of mine was passing out tabs of X at her birthday party
in Cincinnati. After it started to take effect, I wandered into the living
room with the thought, "I'm going to give every woman in this room a massage."
I never got past the first woman. It was like we had this perfect
understanding of each other. It was like being the male lead in a chick flick.
A disastrous 2 week pseudo romance followed.

It gets worse. I was devastated by the breakup, and I was wandering around the
neighborhood thinking, "Please, God, I don't want to be alone. Send me
someone, anyone!" Well, I walked into this cool little import shop, and there
she was. The next two years were even more of a mess.

There's a reason why there used to be California bumper stickers reading
"Don't get married for at least 6 weeks after X."

~~~
palish
What happened after that? How did/do you cope?

Last night, my girlfriend of three years came home from work. Earlier, she was
excited that we'd get that night to ourselves. Anyway, I was expecting that
we'd have an awesome night together, so when she came in I immediately shut
the laptop and pulled her towards me. Then I noticed she was crying. The oh-
shit moment came with her sentence "we need to talk". And seemingly out of
nowhere came "we have to break up. I'm sorry. I totally agree that we're very
different people." Confusion, anger, and then utter despair ensued. It felt
like a plane hit me while driving to work. Things like that just don't happen,
you know?

I spilled my heart out to her and eventually talked her down. Instead of
breaking up, she wanted to take a break for a week. It's incredibly difficult
to put into words how terrible it feels to hear your amore you adore ask you
to please spend a week at a friend's house. We talked for awhile, and she
ended up leaving rather than me. After she left, and many tears later, I
experienced the full force of the succinct-but-deadly phrase "Please, God, I
don't want to be alone."

I literally could not function. I went into the bathroom and just stood there,
lost in thought. The overwhelming silence made me feel claustrophobic. Then
for some strange reason I began combing my hair. Halfway through that, I broke
down again. So I jumped into the shower (1AM at this point) and tried my best
to shut my brain off. Instead, I shut the water off after it got cold.
Following that, I just sort of crumpled down into the bathtub and started to
freak out. It was incredibly weird, and I was trying to make sense of the
whole situation. But in matters of the heart, logic is about as effective as
using a red cape against a bull. You can use it to dodge, but not to stop, and
I had already been trampled at that point anyway.

So at about 3AM I grabbed a few sheets of computer paper and began writing. It
was a drastic, desperate tactic to keep my brain occupied, but it worked.
Slowly the despair began to fade away, but anger took its place. The letter
didn't even start as a letter, just as a sequence of events. Then its tone
ping-ponged between a breakup letter and a suicide note. (No, I am not
suicidal, I was just caught up in the emotions. That kind of situation can
temporarily alter a 20-year-old's view of the world.) After a few hours of
being alone, I finally accepted that this really was the end, that the
situation had permanently changed, and so I finished with "thank you for
motivating me to do this now rather than later" right before falling asleep /
passing out from exhaustion.

Waking up was difficult. Not because I felt tired, but because it was a shock.
I was blissfully pain-free, then I wondered why she wasn't next to me, then I
remembered what had happened. It was 6:50AM; I woke up from the sound of
someone coming up the stairs. My heart raced and I have never hoped for
anything more than I hoped at that point that it was her... but it wasn't,
which plunged me back into the quicksand of despair. So I picked up the pen
again. I started a theological conversation with myself about why people who
believe God exists would respect him so much even though he is apparently a
cruel, heartless bastard. Then she came back, and in an instant all of the
anguish evaporated, as if I was being tazed and then wasn't.

We're going to a movie tonight, and I'm cautiously optimistic that we'll work
through this. It's hard not to resent her for ambushing me like that,
especially when I'm doing a startup. But I'm overwhelmingly thankful that she
came back.

But this all begs the question, palish/Shawn, why the heck did you post this?
Answer: I don't know. stcredzero's situation strongly resonates with me, and
it's interesting how relationships in general share so many similarities with
drug addiction. I'd imagine that the above experience felt similar to Heroin
withdrawal. I wonder how very different my life would currently be if I had
popped an anti-love pill right after she said "we have to break up". Or how
much pain I'd currently be in if she had popped one right after she left.

~~~
time_management
Okay, let me give you some advice: if a girl pulls the breakup card on you, do
_NOT_ make yourself available to her over the next week. Do not try to
convince her to stay with you, do not plead with her to spend time with you to
"talk things over", do not discuss friendship after the breakup. Going to the
movies with her is a huge fucking mistake on your part, and you really ought
to pull out of that if you can.

Stay away from her for at least a week. Ignore her calls and generally blow
her off. Change the locks if you live together. (Let her in if she needs to
get anything from your place, but don't say a word to her.) If she's serious
about the breakup, this won't do any additional harm (she already feels bad
and that she "deserves" this). If she's not, then this is what's known as a
"shit test"-- she's unconsciously testing you for how you respond to bad
behavior-- in which case you must let her know that the break-up-and-get-back-
together cycle is, under absolutely no circumstances, acceptable, and that she
risks losing you forever if she tries it again. Become so distant to her that
she never does this to you again. If you make yourself available to her after
she pulls the breakup card, you're basically rewarding her for being bitchy
and she will misbehave again.

It will be a miserable, hellish week for you, but consider this to be
inoculation against a permanent breakup, which is inevitable if you let her
get away with this. (Bottom line: if you let a girl walk all over you, you
lose her respect, often permanently.) Exercise. Get outside, even if it's -10
degrees, just to get some sunlight in your eyes. Work, or at least try to do
so, and if you can't, take a walk. Meditate. Go out with your friends and meet
new people. Consider this an opportunity to train your mind and soul in
happiness despite adversity. Enjoy it as much as you can, though it's not
easy. This is one of the most difficult things we experience, this side of
sickness and death, and it's pleasant for no one.

Regarding post-breakup misery, my experience is that it peaks very early.
After 3 days, the worst is pretty much over. After about 2 weeks, you'll be
back to your normal happiness level, except when you think about the ex. It'll
probably be 2-4 months before you can start dating in earnest again; rebound
relationships considered harmful. You shouldn't try to be friends with the ex
until 6 months have passed. Also, know at all times that time is on your side.
Breakups hurt the worst at onset, so you _will_ feel better every day. By the
end of your week apart, the worst of your post-breakup misery should be over,
and you should be able to function normally. Then, if she comes back to you
wanting to resume the relationship, then _you_ will hold the upper hand,
whereas if you seek her out or let her choose when to have "the talk" about
getting back together, she will. Blow her off the first time she wants to have
"the talk" and make her wait at least a week. You're busy, and you were
spending time on other things. (Sorry to make this sound competitive, but the
fact is that she is either serious about the breakup or she is not. In the
former case, it doesn't matter; in the latter case, she attacked you, and you
need either to make the decision to break up with her, or to win the fight she
started.)

One thing I remember about my most recent and hardest breakup is that the fond
memories came flooding back and were a source of intense pain, because I
realized that I was permanently separated from them. An insight I learned from
my Buddhist meditation practice was that those memories were no more "gone"
with the breakup than without. Or, put another way, they'd be just as much
"gone" had the breakup never happened. They exist only in the past. The best I
could get by continuing the relationship would be the potential to have more
beautiful moments... but, of course, I still have that exact same potential,
albeit with someone else. This made me realize that a breakup is, on the
grander scale, not very significant.

~~~
sokoloff
This is great advice if you assume that there are many "right life partners",
all about equally good matches, and that discarding any single one of them
isn't disastrous. (I happen to basically agree with that assumption, but it's
important to note it and ask if OP intellectually believes in that same
philosophy.)

For my account, I had a tremendously important and drama-filled relationship
in my late 20s/early 30s with an ex. I was dickish at times; she was <some
adjective> at times; we couldn't make it work. It was extremely painful on
both sides, and to this day I wonder how we could have managed the situation
better. We're both now in our new "final" committed relationships and
extremely happy with the outcomes, but I wonder what would have happened if I
didn't follow time_management's advice above (or perhaps, if I'd followed it
more precisely; the middle ground is worse than either extreme). We might have
ended up together, and I can't figure that we'd be better off than we are now.
But I also went through 4-5 years of hell between that breakup and finding my
new relationship, so I don't know that the worst is over in 3 days is
necessarily the case...

Your points about getting outside, getting exercise, and not becoming a 24x7
hermit are absolutely spot-on.

------
wmeredith
It seems like the phrase "everyone belongs to everyone else" is about to
become quite relevant.

------
ars
Why is this not an editorial?

Someone was depressed while writing this. I don't think people really want
that vaccine.

Despite what they _say_ people really do want the up and down, and don't
really want all the same - even though they say they do.

------
josefresco
The lead-in to the article (and real meat) was a bit long and tough to read
through. Neat stuff overall however, can't wait to see the follow up studies.

