
Is Urban Loneliness a Myth? - kareemm
http://nymag.com/news/features/52450/
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koeselitz
When I was very, very young, I once made said to my parents that I was glad I
lived with my family, because if I lived all alone in a big apartment in a
city, I would feel very lonely. And I remember - this is one of my most vivid
early memories - that my father stopped what he was doing, sat down, and
explained to me that someday I might find myself living in that kind of
situation. Even then I could tell this was very personal to him - like he'd
been in that situation himself. And, he told me, even if I found myself living
'all alone,' and even if I thought I was in a place where no one cared about
me, or thought about me, or even had contact with me at all - I wouldn't be.
He told me that there would always be people all around me, so I'd discover,
if I looked around, that people just next door, people just a few feet away
from me, were always right there, communicating with me on a certain level. I
only had to pay attention.

It's nice to have that sort of confirmed by this study. Because of that
impression, it's always made sense to me that this is true; cities are
interconnected systems, and every member is dependent in some way on every
other, no matter how solitary that person may think she or he is. I think
we've built up a lot of mechanisms today whereby it's easy to tell ourselves
that we're very lonely; all that's needed to remove that sensation of being
alone is a simple observation of the basic fact that we're constantly and
continuously interacting with the people around us, even if it seems like
we're not.

~~~
rdtsc
I like to observe people who are by themselves when I am out. It is probably
because I feel awkward sometimes when I am out by myself.

For example, in a cafe or a in a park, a lot people who are by themselves
fiddle with their cell phone, read a book or pretend to do something else. In
other words, they perform an activity that they could be performing at home
without having all these people around. Yet, they chose to go out and be among
others. They don't talk to others, they don't even look at others in an
obvious way, they seem to be pre-occupied and ignoring everyone, but on a
certain level I think they are there more to be with others and whatever else
they are doing is just a random activity they do so as not to look too weird
staring at strangers.

(That probably means that I am the weird one staring at everyone...)

~~~
Evgeny
_read a book or pretend to do something else. In other words, they perform an
activity that they could be performing at home without having all these people
around_

I sometimes do that just to avoid distractions at home - internet, cats,
housework ... it's much easier for me to concentrate when I'm not home.

------
whatwhatwhat
Couple of gems...

An environment that’s alive at all hours, populated by all types, and is, most
of the time, pretty safe. What he was saying, really, was that New York had
become the Web. Or perhaps more, even: that New York was the Web before the
Web was the Web, characterized by the same free-flowing interaction, 24/7
rhythms, subgroups, and demimondes.

Hampton says he views the Internet as the ultimate city, the last stop on the
continuum of human connectedness. I’d argue that New York and the Internet are
about the same, in the way that a large bookstore feels like it offers just as
many possibilities as Amazon.com—maybe slightly less inventory, but more
opportunities to stumble on things you might not have otherwise. Whichever the
case, what the Internet and New York have in common is that each environment
facilitates interaction between individuals like no other, and both would be
positively useless—would literally lose their raison d’être—if solitary
individuals didn’t furiously interact in each.

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sjs
You can be just as lonely in a small town if not more so. At least in a big
city like NYC you're basically guaranteed to find people with similar
interests, no matter what they are. In a smaller town it's far easier to
become an outlier. Especially if it's small enough that everyone knows
everyone (< 10k).

~~~
noname123
Nah, bro. The most difficult thing about modern life are choices. In a small
town or elementary school, you are friends with everybody because those are
the only people you can be friends with.

Life gets more complicated as you move from elementary school to middle, high,
undergrad school and the real world as you are forced to make more choices
about the people that you choose to hang out with. That's why people go to
grad school, participate in a hobby, or join a sub-culture to make their world
smaller again and limit their choices to make themselves happier.

~~~
kareemm
> That's why people go to grad school, participate in a hobby, or join a sub-
> culture to make their world smaller again and limit their choices to make
> themselves happier.

I don't think people do those things to limit their choices to make themselves
happier.

I think they do those things because the _act_ of being at grad school, or
enjoying a hobby or sub-culture makes them happy.

In other words, people don't do those things to socialize with fewer people;
they do those things because they enjoy doing them. Socializing with people
who enjoy the same things they do is a pleasant side-effect.

~~~
zupatol
Ask how to make friends and everybody will tell you to have a hobby or join a
club.

And when you do, you indeed meet people who only do these things because they
enjoy them, already have enough friends and no time for new ones.

Or maybe it just looks that way to me when I'm in a bad mood like now.

~~~
noname123
That's true bro. But I don't think it's because other people aren't interested
in you or don't have time for new friends. I think it's because in these
situations when you are the new kid to the social clique/workplace/club, the
onus is on you to take initiative to make friends. Sure there are probably
ass-holes but you probably don't want to bother with them anyways. But most
people are friendly if you make the move, but they'll never know that you are
interested in bromance/romance if you never do.

Hell, people in the club probably think you are the one with so many friends
that you don't want to talk to them because you are just there for the hobby.

------
zmmz
An ineresting read on a similar topic was covered in Credit Suisse's magazine
(picked it up at an airport): [http://emagazine.credit-
suisse.com/app/article/index.cfm?fus...](http://emagazine.credit-
suisse.com/app/article/index.cfm?fuseaction=OpenArticle&aoid=278111&lang=EN)

The linked story talks of death in isolation in Japan where it is a much more
widespread problem due to two things: firstly, the work culture there does not
incite interpersonal relationships so often people will only associate with
their family, and secondly, people try to stay unintrusive in their old age,
being ashamed to contact their children and other family.

The above is made even worse by relocation projects that took place moving
couples into the suburbs out of the major cities, inorganicly forming
"communities" overnight of people who have never met and never will leading to
initiatives such as the Center for the Prevention of Death in Isolation.

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icco
Just as a heads up, this article is from 2008, in case you didn't notice.
Still very true today though :)

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c00ki3s
>when group cohesion was essential to fight off abrupt attacks from stampeding
_wildebeests_

I couldn't help but to laugh at the mental picture.

------
palish
print version: <http://nymag.com/print/?/news/features/52450/>

------
zeynel1
previous discussions on hn-

<http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=376573>

<http://news.ycombinator.com/itemid=381128>

<http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=485239>

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theklub
This is one of those things that's like, WFC?

