

Why Smart Women are Unattractive - battlepanda
http://battlepanda.blogspot.com
It's often said that "smart women are unattractive." Now I know why.<p>I recently came across Paul Graham's "Why Nerds are Unpopular" essay and, together with a discussion I had with some of my geek-ette friends about the lack of normal-looking women on the screen, a light-bulb suddenly went off in my head. It was total internet kismet, where two seemingly disparate pieces of information traveled to me from all over the world as electrical impulses and locked like adjacent puzzle pieces in my brain.<p>Graham posits that "nerds are unpopular because they have other things to think about." They don't work hard enough at being popular because it simply takes up too much mental RAM. He also theorizes that American high schools are such cruel social ecosystems not because kids are inherently nasty or teenagers are inherently crazy but that the typical American high-school is basically a holding pen divorced from reality.<p>I copy and pasted the essay into Word and made essentially just three substitutions -- "smartgirls" for "nerds" (and "smart kids"), "unattractive" for "unpopular" (and "attractive" for "popular"), and "femininity" for "school". If you'd indulge me and think of femininity not as a state of being but an actual place, smooth over some of the bumps and generally carry the metaphor through in your mind, it is stunning how much of the essay still made sense.<p>Some totally unedited clips from the search-and-replaced version:<p>"Smartgirls serve two masters. They want to be attractive, certainly, but they want even more to be smart. And attractiveity is not something you can do in your spare time, not in the fiercely competitive environment of an American secondary femininity."<p>"So if intelligence in itself is not a factor in attractiveity, why are smartgirls so consistently unattractive? The answer, I think, is that they don't really want to be attractive.<p>If someone had told me that at the time, I would have laughed at him. Being unattractive in femininity makes kids miserable, some of them so miserable that they commit suicide. Telling me that I didn't want to be attractive would have seemed like telling someone dying of thirst in a desert that he didn't want a glass of water. Of course I wanted to be attractive.<p>But in fact I didn't, not enough. There was something else I wanted more: to be smart. Not simply to do well in femininity, though that counted for something, but to design beautiful rockets, or to write well, or to understand how to program computers. In general, to make great things."<p>One particular aspect of the essay that really carried well in the search-and-replaced version is Graham's description of popularity as something that is cruel and twisted because it is a hierarchy that emerged out of a vacuum. It is form that emerged without function. It is devoid of connection to genuinely useful qualities that get stuff done in the real world, and as it is hierarchy that exists to be hierarchical, it is a zero-sum game. Just as not everybody could be popular, not everybody could be attractive. The way to claw your way up this kind of hierarchy is to be as conformist to the ideal as possible while pushing somebody else down. If a pill was invented tomorrow that will make all women instantly size zeros, the goalposts will shift to something else that is difficult to attain.<p>"Alberti, arguably the archetype of the Renaissance Man, writes that 'no art, however minor, demands less than total dedication if you want to excel in it.' I wonder if anyone in the world works harder at anything than American femininity kids work at attractiveity. Navy SEALs and neurosurgery residents seem slackers by comparison. They occasionally take vacations; some even have hobbies. An American teenager may work at being attractive every waking hour, 365 days a year.<p>I don't mean to suggest they do this consciously. Some of them truly are little Machiavellis, but what I really mean here is that teenagers are always on duty as conformists."<p>Now that I'm older and I can look at things a bit more objectively, I can see that I was not dealt a bad deck of cards, looks wise, by genetics. In fact, my mother was always especially anguished by the fact that I could be pretty if only I tried. If I bothered. Made some minimal efforts to be acceptable.<p>"The main reason smartgirls are unattractive is that they have other things to think about. Their attention is drawn to books or the natural world, not fashions and parties. They're like someone trying to play soccer while balancing a glass of water on his head. Other players who can focus their whole attention on the game beat them effortlessly, and wonder why they seem so incapable."<p>"Because I didn't fit into this world, I thought that something must be wrong with me. I didn't realize that the reason we smartgirls didn't fit in was that in some ways we were a step ahead. We were already thinking about the kind of things that matter in the real world, instead of spending all our time playing an exacting but mostly pointless game like the others."<p>One of the thing I find myself doing more and more as I get older is wearing makeup not just for special occasion, but during workdays as well. It was a hefty initial investment in terms of learning how to do this in a way that is becoming. But now, it is perhaps an extra 10 minutes before I head out the door in the morning and an extra five minute at night taking it off. I don't like it because I can't touch my face and the make-up remover always hurts my eyes, but it's OK. But why do I do it? Pure behaviorism. People are nicer to me when I look prettier. They think more highly of me. But do you know what's scary? When everybody starts doing that, then it's no longer enough. Then it becomes the new bare minimum. That's the way it is in some offices...you don't go in to work bare faced. There's no version of professional attire that doesn't involve tricky clothing items like tights and heels. As an individual woman, I can become more attractive. With a little more effort, I can move up the chain. As women, we are collectively spinning the wheels like a hamster in a cage.<p>"A nerd is someone who isn't socially adept enough. But "enough" depends on where you are. In a typical American femininity, standards for coolness are so high (or at least, so specific) that you don't have to be especially awkward to look awkward by comparison."<p>The truly depressing thing about this exercise is when it breaks down. Graham talks encouragingly about how nerds find that their lives get better as they enter college and then the real world. The following quote is the unaltered original:<p>"Few nerds can spare the attention that popularity requires. Unless they also happen to be good-looking, natural athletes, or siblings of attractive kids, they'll tend to become nerds. And that's why smart people's lives are worst between, say, the ages of eleven and seventeen. Life at that age revolves far more around popularity than before or after."<p>Just wait it out, Graham advised. The world you live in is a bubble that is cruel and stupid and pointless. But one day you'll graduate from high school and life will get better. But...I don't get to graduate from being a girl. I am a permanent resident in this holding pen from reality where my Dad wanted me to lose weight so badly he told me once he wished I would develop anorexia ("just mild anorexia."). I don't get to move on from a cruel and stupid world where where few films pass the Mo Movie Measure (movies that pass have (a) least two female characters, (b) who talk to each other and (c) about something other than a man). Heck, I don't even want to live in a world where there is a need for a Mo Movie Measure.<p>I was always an lousy dieter, even though I would try to lose weight all the time (my mom started telling me aged 8 to start watching my weight). My size would fluctuate according to how active I was, but not (except for the briefest periods) according to how little I tried to eat. I've been frustrated, I've been disgusted with myself, I've been depressed about it (esp. since getting back to Taiwan), I've been resigned (my new year's resolution for 2009 was not to diet because I always fail to lose the weight anyhow.)<p>But it's not until now that I feel like I'm connected all the dots. As incredible as it seem...I didn't want to be thin. Not enough to give up food, which is a continual source of joy in my life. I didn't want to be chic and well-put-together all the time...because I'm more comfortable in jeans and sneakers. I have more interesting things to do.<p>Don't get me wrong. I love being a girly girl. I love dressing up for a party. But not every day. Not because I have to.<p>I weep to think of all the human ingenuity and effort and and productivity lost over a big shell game played with fashion magazines and anti-aging creams. They say that women aren't as competitive as men. But oh we are. We're just competitive over the one thing that we're told over and over again through so many different mediums is the only thing that makes us matter -- what we look like.<p>-- Battlepanda
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_pius
Oh where do I begin?

First, I disagree with the premise anecdotally: most girls I find attractive
are smart.

Second, I don't agree that the relationship between nerds and popularity is
isomorphic to the relationship between intelligent women and attractiveness.
Nerds, practically _by definition_ are not popular; the same is decidedly
_not_ true for smart women and being attractive. Additionally, popularity is
typically an extrinsic measure, relative to your peers (i.e. it wouldn't make
sense for everyone in your high school to be considered one of the popular
kids) while attractiveness is an intrinsic measure (in theory, everyone in
your high school could be considered attractive).

Moreover, I disagree with the conclusion in both directions. It's not clear
that being smart is a cause/excuse for being unattractive nor is it clear that
being attractive is some sort of excuse for being unintelligent.

Finally, I disagree with the idea on principle. I don't think adult men or
women should get into the habit of blaming their intelligence for their
supposed unpopularity or unattractiveness. A lot of smart people
(understandably) used that as a coping mechanism for teen angst in high
school, but by adulthood it's about time to let go of that sort of
destructive, zero-sum approach to life.

I think it's abhorrent to tell smart kids being anti-social in general or
smart girls rejecting their femininity in particular that their behavior is
some sort of badge of honor. It's not. It's not good, it's not bad, it just
_is_.

The older I get, the more I understand that intelligence is a multi-
dimensional thing. There are many types of intelligence. If you're great at
math but you can't write, are you smarter than your neighbor who's a brilliant
essayist but can't calculate an eigenvector? And where does the person fit who
can magnificently work a room but is only average at writing and math?
Intelligence isn't an axis, it's a plane, er, multi-dimensional surface.

If there's something you'd like to change about yourself, change it. If you're
happy with yourself as you are, even better. People should accept themselves,
flaws and strengths alike, but I'd hate to see people going around muttering
under their breaths that more popular, better dressed, or better made-up peers
are only that way because they lack intelligence. That's a pretty juvenile
conceit, to be honest. And I'd like to think we're all too smart to fall for
that sort of self-deception for very long.

------
Renai
I find this true (as true as things relating to society can be true).

It takes work to be beautiful. I could straighten my hair every time I get out
of the shower, dye and pluck my eyebrows every other week, keep my roots dyed
monthly, devote 20 minutes to make-up daily, keep my nails in shape, take
better care of my skin, tan, shave often, and tone my abs. Frankly, I don't
have the time or motivation. Why bother when I could read, code, or do a
million other interesting things?

There are a few women who don't have to do as much to be beautiful - I was
always envious of people with dark complexions and straight hair for this
reason. But for most people, it does take time. It's not something that just
is. Nearly anyone can look wonderful with the right lighting, clothing and
make-up, and vice-versa.

Also, I've never met anyone who admitted to being attracted to morons, yet
many are. People think highly of attractive people whether or not it's
warranted.

------
tokenadult
I know plenty of counterexamples.

I think there is a subtle semantic difference between "attractive" and
"popular" that means they can't readily be substituted for each other in the
text of Paul Graham's essay.

<http://paulgraham.com/nerds.html>

~~~
battlepanda
<i> I know plenty of counterexamples</i> Well, there are popular smart kids
too. Of course there are counterexamples.

There's nothing subtle about my substitution :) The essay was just a way of
helping me see my own experiences from another point of view.

------
battlepanda
<i>First, I disagree with the premise anecdotally: most girls I find
attractive are smart.</i>

This is the typical nerd male response. It's all about you :P In reality
social pressure comes from so many sources.

<i>popularity is typically an extrinsic measure, relative to your peers (i.e.
it wouldn't make sense for everyone in your high school to be considered one
of the popular kids) while attractiveness is an intrinsic measure </i> The
whole point of my piece was that we are told attractiveness is an intrinsic
measure whereas, in many ways for women, it is much more arbitrary and akin to
popularity. Women in the states above all want to be thin. But if we can
invent a pill tomorrow that will make everybody thin, is everyone suddenly
going to be hot? For a while maybe, but soon a new arbitrary standard that
excludes the majority of the population will emerge.

<i> clear that being smart is a cause/excuse for being unattractive </i> My
other main point is that being a conventionally attractive woman is hard work!
Think about it this way...Katherine Heigl had to lose 10 pounds to play
opposite Seth Rogan in Knocked Up.

<i>I think it's abhorrent to tell smart kids being anti-social in general or
smart girls rejecting their femininity in particular that their behavior is
some sort of badge of honor.</i> I'm a girly-girl. There's nothing I love more
than to put on some makeup and look hot at a party. There's a difference
between enjoying something when it's fun for you and having it be an
obligation.

<i>If there's something you'd like to change about yourself, change it. If
you're happy with yourself as you are, even better. People should accept
themselves, flaws and strengths alike, </i>

That is exactly as I would like the world to be. But right now, if you are a
woman and you don't diet and you don't wear makeup and you don't spend a lot
of money on grooming products and cloths and frankly a lot of other bullshit
guys don't even know...you are at a distinct disadvantage. I'm just a regular
girl who is tired of the bullshit. I haven't cut back on personal hygiene or
anything. But I will not go on a diet or obsess about my weight unless it is
for health reasons. I haven't read a fashion magazine for year, and while I do
have nice cloths for special occasions, my wardrobe and spending on beauty is
a fraction that of my peers.

------
mahmud
Unattractive exactly to whom?

~~~
battlepanda
Lets put it this way. I think of myself (I wrote the piece) as quite
attractive to a lot of people...but with the exception of America Ferrera in
Ugly Betty, there is no female character in the movies or on TV who is my size
or larger and gets the guys.

It's a message that society sends...you are not attractive enough if you are
not super-groomed, super-thin. As I get older, I am getting better at
resisting this message.

~~~
_pius
_there is no female character in the movies or on TV who is my size or larger
and gets the guys_

Hollywood sucks for this sort of thing. There's a very small group of people
who have way too much sway over what society thinks attractive girls, smart
people, black people, liberals, conservatives, et al look like. It's pretty
damaging.

~~~
battlepanda
I have found it to be less damaging as I grow older and got more confidence in
myself. But kids, they're stupid and they believe what they see on the TeeVee
machine is a reflection of life.

------
ZeroGravitas
I generally agreed with the article and see strong parallels with pg's
original article.

I note that most of the replies so far fail the test of doing the swap in the
opposite direction i.e. "I'm attracted to smart women" is the same as "nerds
are popular with me" which is different from "nerds are popular", and even
more so from "nerds were popular in high school".

------
iamwil
Your post would be more interesting if you took a survey of other random girls
on the street. And then see if there was a marked correlation between smart
and non-smart girls and whether the essay spoke to them.

~~~
battlepanda
The reason I posted this on my blog is the overwhelmingly positive response it
got among my peer group when it went online at a discussion board type site.
Here are some of the PMs I've gotten (and one PM of two friends that one
friend sent to me):

(1) [name redacted] (1:25pm): Good heavens. This is like reading my own
thoughts on someone else's plan. :)

My father never said anything about anorexia, but there were some comments in
that vein.

I still don't care enough. Frankly, I hope I never have to.

(2) [name redacted] (6:01pm): I love that Paul Graham essay. It's the first
essay of his that I read, and still his best work, I think.

Your substituted version makes me think of "Adam's Curse," by W. B. Yeats:

"To be born woman is to know -- Although they do not talk of it at school --
That we must labour to be beautiful."

I think some girls decide that labor isn't worth the hassle.

(3) [name redacted] (4:05pm): I was really heavy in high school- now I'm about
the same size as you said you are. I'm so done feeling bad about my figure,
because I'm perfectly normal and I happen to like food. [me] (4:29pm): Yay!

(4) [name redacted] (1:23pm): Go post that on news.ycombinator.com. It's
surprisingly insightful, and I bet everyone there (including Paul Graham)
would get a big kick out of it. [me] (2:28pm): :) I just might

(5) [redacted a]: the most fascinating thing, to me, is using the words of
Paul Graham to talk about feminism. [redacted a]: (from that plan) [redacted
b]: I don't know anythign about him except the nerds essay [redacted a]: He's
someone that a lot of nerd guys look up to for things like the nerds essay. A
lot of nerd guys having no patience for feminism.

------
einarvollset
Oh please.

~~~
einarvollset
Okay, let me rephrase that:

ASSUMPTION A1: There are no smart women who are attractive

OBSERVATION O1: Tina Fey

Assumption A1 has been disproven by observation O1, and thus it follows that
assumption A1 cannot hold, thus disproving your claim.

Or: Oh Please.

~~~
battlepanda
Note that the title of my essay is "Why smart women are unattractive"...it is
taken in parallel with Paul Graham's essay "Why nerds are unpopular." Of
course there are exceptions, just like there are smart kids who are also
popular.

