
How to fake courage - jaf12duke
http://blog.42floors.com/fake-courage/#.Ujm_RX8EXuA.hackernews
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bane
I'm an extreme introvert by nature, and overcoming this is a constant, daily,
exhausting struggle. I love interacting with one or two people who I know very
well. But I'm driven to the edge of an irrational panic attack when I meet new
people.

In high pressure situations, like sales or fund raising, it can be
excruciating. The elevated pulse, the sweat, blurred vision -- it's fight or
flight response the entire way.

I was talking with a friend of mine about living in cities, and we both
mentioned our distaste for living in an environment where we have to deal with
lots of people. But while her response was to try and move out to the country,
mine was to try and move to bigger and bigger cities. Turns out I love the
anonymity of big crowded cities like New York, but just like my friend, can't
stand the kind of semi-dense low-rise urbanity like you find in LA. The
density just isn't right.

Many years ago I took a job doing tech support and phone sales. It was
probably the worst kind of job for me, but I persevered and found that over
time I learned how to deal with people. Every month or two I had a difficult
interaction and realized that I dealt with it more successfully than I would
have a few months before. I still hated it, that kind of interaction, but it
trained me. I was never going to be a natural at that kind of interaction, but
I would never naturally get up and run a marathon either. I realized that if I
could train myself, I could not only tolerate, but be successful in these
kinds of interactions.

I also remember being moved by the Gom Jabbar scene in Dune. The purpose of
which was to filter out humans who could discipline their mind against
instinct, and animals who were slaves to instinct. I realized reacting to fear
is reacting to instinct, like an animal, and if I were a human I could
overcome this. This is reenforced by the Litany Against Fear used during that
scene.

Now, many years later, before I go into a meeting with strangers, I tell
myself this, I've trained myself to overcome my instincts, to be fully human.
I tell myself "fear is the mind killer" and I enter the room.

~~~
Domenic_S
> _In high pressure situations, like sales or fund raising, it can be
> excruciating. The elevated pulse, the sweat, blurred vision -- it 's fight
> or flight response the entire way._

This might blow your mind or it might not, but there's a medicine called
Propanolol that can basically eliminate the elevated pulse/shaking/sweats.
Performers sometimes use it to combat stage fright. It's nonaddictive and
doesn't affect your cognitive skills.

We sometimes get into a feedback loop of: fight-or-flight kicks in, brain
freaks out which pushes fight-or-flight further, which freaks out our brain
even further, etc. Propanolol short circuits the physiological side, so you're
only battling your brain (instead of your brain and your body feeding off each
other).

I had a bout of anxiety last year sparked by an unpleasant situation, and
therapy helped but the fight-or-flight responses were absolutely crippling. My
MD and therapist both suggested the medicine, so I gave it a shot and it's
wonderful. I liken it to an armor on my body's responses. My mind may get
freaked out but when my body doesn't react in kind, it's easy now with
practice to settle down.

Anyway, sounds like you may have figured out your own solution, but I'm
leaving this here for you or anyone else who might find it useful. Cheers.

------
auganov
Depending on the definition this is courage actually. As per The Merriam-
Webster's Collegiate Dictionary: "Courage: mental or moral strength to
venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty"

So the author it seems is a courageous person. Not feeling
fear/danger/difficulty is not courage. It does not imply the ability to handle
these feelings. So if the author is faking anything then that's fearlessness.

Enough nitpicking, great post!

~~~
troygoode
Your post brings to mind a fairly well known quote from A Game of Thrones:

“Bran thought about it. 'Can a man still be brave if he's afraid?' 'That is
the only time a man can be brave,' his father told him.”

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orangebox
I'm surprised by this article since I have not found the "Fake It Until You
Make It" strategy to be very effective, especially with regards to faking
courage. If it works for the author, great, but I wouldn't recommend this and
here's why: False confidence might make you seem brave in the short-term, but
long-term it's not going to fool most people and will make you look like even
more of a weakling.

"Exaggerating Courage" usually works much better than faking it, at least for
me, because it's based on a kernel of truth instead of a lie. For example I've
never had a tennis lesson but I used to be good at basketball and other
sports. So when I'm on the tennis court, even though my technique is poor, I
remind myself that I have good hand-eye coordination and agility. So I focus
on the fact that "I'm quick!" instead of "My backhand is lame!"

Focus on your strengths, not your perceived weaknesses. Of course when I'm
really "in the zone" I'm in a state of Relaxed Confidence where I'm not
talking to myself, either positive or negative, and I'm merely reacting to
what's required at the moment. It's the ideal mind-body-state to be in when
you're trying to return a serve, sink a free throw, hit a fast ball, or in
many other non-sports situations. For more on this, check out...

The Inner Game of Tennis: The Classic Guide to the Mental Side of Peak
Performance by Timothy Gallwey. [http://www.amazon.com/The-Inner-Game-Tennis-
Performance/dp/0...](http://www.amazon.com/The-Inner-Game-Tennis-
Performance/dp/0679778314)

------
jennyjitters
I can't even begin to explain how much this post hits home for me. If not for
my 3 years in customer service as an undergrad, I think I'd be much worse off
than I am currently. It's still a daily struggle for me to put myself out
there, and I have to make a conscious effort to do so. The saving grace for
me, as I'm trying to run a small startup, is that I'm incredibly passionate
about what I'm working on and I'm confident in my long-term goals for the
company. If not for that, I'd probably not have made it this far. It took a
while for me to realize that even "successful" people struggle with the same
thing. I've found that the best way to get over the fear is to force yourself
to do things that make you uncomfortable. While I'm certainly not fearless,
I've made huge strides thanks to all my faking. Thanks to Freedman for writing
this.

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thomasd
The greatest thing about faking is you'll actually end up believing it, even
subconsciously, which is great.

A great way to start is just by changing postures. Related:
[http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes...](http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are.html)

I've experienced quite a few of this. When I'm having conversation with
colleagues in a closed body posture, boy do I stutter a lot.

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mailarchis
I remember the 15 Year old me. I was an extremely introvert guy participating
in school debate competitions for the first time. While I was speaking in
front of the audience, my legs (hidden behind the dais) would be shaking (the
first few times). Somehow, I learnt to control my fear of public speaking and
manage to put my points across.

Courage (faking courage) is probably the strength to do a thing well without
letting the fear of failing paralyzing you.

~~~
huherto
You probably know this already, this comment is just for those who don't.

If you are trembling before public speaking is probably adrenalin. It is hard
in the first minutes. But it is good for you, it makes you more alert, smarter
and better overall. It is just difficult at the beginning, but once you start
talking, it fades away and you will feel better. Keep that in mind.

~~~
Swizec
And don't forget to clench your butt.

I'm serious. It gives the energy somewhere to go so you aren't fiddling with
your hands or fidgeting around and it's invisible to everyone in the audience.

Also improves your posture. Win-win.

~~~
mcguire
Just don't try to walk while you're doing it.

~~~
ams6110
And maybe take a potassium supplement or have a banana for breakfast so you
don't get a cramp.

------
NovemberWest
My default personality is very risk averse. I do lots of things that look
crazy to other people. Different knowledge base, different goals, basically.

I agree with the first point of setting a clear goal so you know what you are
actually trying to accomplish.

Also, learn about statistics. Most folks make logical errors when they "bet."
Flipping a coin, the odds are always about 50/50, no matter what the last flip
or last ten flips were. But people tend to think "The last three were heads,
so we are overdue for tails." Nope. It is still about 50/50 (with, I think, a
slight skew towards heads).

Get the facts or hard data. Be very skeptical about data that comes from iffy
sources or processes. Trying to decide on hazy info sucks so bad. Good info
leads to better decisions. "Garbage in, garbage out."

Get a sounding board, preferably one who has different strengths and
weaknesses from you, not a "yes man" and not someone biased in the same way
you are. My oldest son is very opposite me in some important ways. When we
both vome yo the,same conclusion from very different directions it tends to be
a very sound decision.

Anyway, real work calls or I could possibly drone on.

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arjie
God damn it. I didn't know Disqus picks up your gravatar like that. That was a
highly unexpected outcome. Now I need an anonymous email address to use.

------
oakwhiz
I was under the impression that "fake courage" was in fact stupidity in
disguise.

~~~
mcguire
The difference between courage and stupidity is mostly in the outcome.

------
rfnslyr
I understand the faking all too well.

Awhile back I was this fat, neckbearded kid in my mothers basement coding and
gaming. Realized I'm trash at interacting on the most basic levels with
people. Lost all the weight, got strong, got decently good looking, but inside
I'm always still that shy nerd that doesn't really want to go out _ever_ and
keep to himself.

Every outing I need to mentally and physically prepare for, I can't just "go
out" and be with people. I have to pay active attention to how my face _feels_
, what position I'm sitting in, how I'm walking, the spacing between my steps,
my pacing, every little detail is calculated and it makes going out extremely
difficult.

Every single day is a mission to fake it, and though I'm good at it now and
it's nearly natural, I still microanalyze every person, gesture, blink,
speech, walk, turn, movement of everyone and I incorporate these attributes
into my own outward image to project confidence, courage, and ambition.

I never had friends growing up when I was young, not sure what kind of impact
that truly had but as an outsider, I've been observing relentlessly, almost
obsessively, and taking bits and pieces from others until I formed someone
decent (me), how normal people act in normal situations.

I still feel extremely anxious every day to the point of having to pep talk
myself before meeting someone, that has never changed for a second, the only
thing that has changed is my ability to mask it but I'm as scared as ever.

It makes me wonder if everyone is in the same shoes.

I'm a person that can't do anything unless a process, or number, is attached
to it. Essays in highschool? Barely ever passed, I lock down, don't know where
to start. Math? Design? Computers? Not the slightest problem, which is why
human interaction is so difficult, there is no "set way" to interact.

I don't really know who I truly am because all my mannerisms are borrowed from
various people, movies, figures, friends. No movement or expression is my own
and it's difficult to cope with.

Through my observation, the only thing that honestly matters, is just being
nice and treating others as equals and it all falls into place.

I don't know if it's mental illness or what it is, but I can tell you right
now the happiest I'd ever be is 100% alone left to my own mind somewhere deep
in nature.

I remember having a heart to heart with roommates I was "close" with. We
started talking about all our passive aggressiveness because it was starting
to get to all of us and ruin our living situation. It got way to real, and
then it got to me. I explained to them how I see the world, how I deal with
things, and they honestly looked kinda terrified and thought I was crazy, and
it hasn't really been the same since then since they don't really know who I
am now, I don't even know who I am.

~~~
sejje
I relate to a lot of this. I used to have similar traits.

Then I bought a bar--a little neighborhood bar, where it's slow--and worked
behind the bar for two years.

It fixed me. Now I feel relaxed just to be me.

I don't think everyone can spend two years behind a bar, but maybe there's
something similar you can do. For me it was just lots of forced interaction
with all levels of acquaintance, for hours per day, until I became good at
social interaction and began to relax.

~~~
JTon
Fascinating. Did you work full-time at the bar? Was it enough to make ends
meet?

~~~
sejje
I did, yes, and so did my brother who was my partner.

We scraped by. I lived on what would not be enough for most people, mostly tip
money.

The bar is still open (we opened March 2010), my brother runs it, and I'm off
doing other things.

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cheatcode
I found some great advice on this at the Rejection Therapy site. In
particular:

No Confidence? Borrow Some: [http://rejectiontherapy.com/no-confidence-borrow-
some/](http://rejectiontherapy.com/no-confidence-borrow-some/)

Fear Hacks of World Class High Divers: [http://rejectiontherapy.com/fear-
hacks-of-world-class-high-d...](http://rejectiontherapy.com/fear-hacks-of-
world-class-high-divers/)

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onana
This is honestly a crap article. Absolutely shit.

