
Ask HN: How is your mental health? - smithmayowa
How and how well do you keep track of your mental health, particularly for those with a history of mental health issues, and those with a family history of mental issues.<p>As for me I like to think that  I try really hard to monitor my mental health, I suffer from anxiety disorder and my father and mother both had mental health issues at one point in their life, which makes me constantly fear for my mental health and hence my monitoring of my mental state of mind like a hulk.
======
klodolph
Therapy is more effective than it has any business being. If you can make it
happen, try it.

I’m going to start by saying I have a mood disorder, and I don’t understand
anxiety disorders because they’re part of a completely different world from
mine. Conversations I’ve had with people that have anxiety disorders have
reinforced this idea that I really don’t understand anxiety disorders or
relate to them.

The worst parts for me are some times in the past several years when I have
moved, changed jobs, changed relationships, and had relatives who passed away.
To be clear, when I say “and”, I am talking about many of these things
happening at the same time. Having strong relationships, having a therapist,
and keeping a regular schedule mean the difference between seeing me as my
usual self and seeing me disappear for a few weeks.

I have also decided _never again_ to tell my manager any details about my
condition. In the future it is an “unspecified, diagnosed disorder for which I
am receiving professional treatment.” I was lulled into a false sense of
security by having excellent managers at the beginning of my career and it
turns out that I was very lucky; most managers are fairly mediocre and will do
damage more often than not if you give them too many details about your mental
health. Find somebody else to talk to about it—there are therapists, friends,
and support groups e.g. on Facebook.

~~~
arawde
I have a mood disorder and generalized anxiety disorder.

This is the most accurate answer in the thread.

> Having strong relationships, having a therapist, and keeping a regular
> schedule.

These are the things I'm actively working on. I'm only 6 months into working
full time. It's monumentally difficult just to achieve those 3 things. I
haven't worked an 8 hour day since training because I often feel drained and
unproductive and end up just going home.

Right now, I'm doing CBT, and my therapist and I are focusing on ways for me
to feel less drained at work. It's amazing how little things like taking 5
minute breaks and not eating at my desk have helped.

I feel like everyone I know who works in tech is either seeing a therapist or
would benefit from one. If you can make it happen, try it.

~~~
jimkri
Have you noticed anything from doing CBT? Or what has your experience been
like so far?

I've done it before, but have been thinking about trying it again, but wanted
to talk to others that have tried it.

------
apexkid
Use the following strategies: 1\. Meditate daily for 15 minutes. Try vedic
indian meditations. 2\. Keep track of your mood using some app. 3\. If your
mood is bad for consistently 3 days, then open pastebin and write down about
everything you are feeling and going in your head.

Most small problems with mental health can be dealt by bringing in
consciousness. Simple example, whenever you are feeling nervous, force you
brain to just observe whats going on in your body instead of being an active
participant in the process. You will immediately realize you start feeling
less nervous. Similarly, you can try for anxiety.

For more serious problems, it is best to seek medical help on periodic basis.
A meetup with doctor every 3 months is reasonable.

~~~
Kluny
15 minutes is a really long time to meditate. Anyone who's new to it, I
suggest starting with 30 seconds and work your way up to 15 in increments of
30 seconds to a minute. It's like starting with an empty bar when
weightlifting.

~~~
whoisjuan
Meditating in the shower is pretty easy IMHO and you can easily go up to 15
min, even for beginners. Meditation is mostly about anchoring your mind to
something, most people do it with their breathing because that's what we see
in movies and stuff.

In the shower, you can use the sound of the water or the feeling of the water
on your head to anchor your mind. Since it's something you don't control and
there are multiple sensory reactions created from it, it's pretty easy to be
present and observe your thoughts.

This doesn't necessarily work for everyone but I have tried many types of
meditations and this one is the easiest for me.

~~~
muzani
15 minutes is a lot of water usage. Bathtubs seem ideal to meditate in.

------
dijit
The issue with most kinds of mental health is that the more it affects you the
less you're aware of the fact that it's affecting you.

My mental health, without any discernible disorders, reached a very low point
last year where I essentially stormed out of a HR meeting because I was
"toxic", the toxicity revolved around feelings of frustration due to the fact
that I couldn't get anyone to look at a problem I had for six months, which
led to me informing the internal providers of that service that I would not be
using those services for the next project I was a part of. Which hurt many
peoples feelings, I suppose.

As part of the stipend for staying (because, I had quit on the spot) I
requested a therapist, I saw him a total of 15 times I believe and he coerced
me to exercise a lot more, but ultimately failed to find anything "wrong" with
me mentally and stated that my behaviour was quite healthy during that
period.. (but he might have been just telling me what I wanted to hear as
there's little value in antagonising me during therapy, probably).

Anyway, even with excercise, it's far-far too late, I've basically "turned-
off" at work, I don't even try, my entire job has become avoiding doing my
job.

I still come home tired, exhausted and utterly emotionally drained, but no
work is done, and I don't learn, I don't excite my passion.

No winners.

I recently started interviewing in other companies, I'm hoping this feeling
doesn't carry over, and I hope I haven't truly lost my passion.

~~~
nefitty
Yes. Get the hell out as soon as you can! I made a change a few weeks ago
after going through a milder version of what you're experiencing. I took a pay
cut but I am so, so much happier.

I don't dread waking up anymore. I like being alive again. I haven't
complained to my wife even once since I left my last job. The guilt of piling
my work problems on my wife was getting big, but I needed so badly to confide
in someone about it.

Good luck! You can do it!!

------
eq_sd_
Going to weekly therapy is the only way I really track anything. I've been
struggling a lot since my ex and I broke up last year. Earlier this year, I
started thinking about how my dad treated me growing up and how it was (is) a
type of emotional abuse. He's probably narcissistic. I'm sure it's a big
factor in why I dated someone like my ex and why I've put up with so much shit
in my relationships, friends, work.

And now at work, I'm being treated poorly by a particular person and he's
generally offensive to everyone. He's kind of like my dad in a lot of ways and
it's "triggering" me. Managers and HR don't seem to care much. I'm also
concerned about retaliation because this guy came here with a handful of other
people, a couple of which are extremely high level that can hold me back and
give problem guy preferential treatment.

I'm one of few female engineers here and I feel like people with power are
looking at me as whiny, it doesn't feel good. I already have too many short
stints on my resume so I feel like I can't leave and I suck at tech interviews
too...partly because "showing my thought process" is terrifying when I've
grown up with all my thoughts and feelings being used as a weapon against me.

I have almost no friends in the city I moved to, I miss my mom and my brother
a lot. I could try harder to make some new friends here but work is exhausting
and I just don't feel good and I'd rather stay home and cuddle my dog. She is
pretty much the only thing that gives me energy. :/

~~~
MyHypatia
I just want to say thank you for sharing. I'm also one of few female engineers
at my company. It's hard to find friends as an adult and it can feel even
lonelier when I see people at work getting together to play sports or
generally have "guy hang out time". When I have brought up complaints at work
I also feel like people don't take them seriously. The response has basically
been, "Can you just wait for him to retire?" and "You should be grateful".
It's hard. One thing that has been helpful is finding some sort of community.
Treat it as a non-negotiable part of your life. There are lots of people out
there looking for connections and friendships, it can take time before you
find the right group. Everyday you wake up and do things for your employer.
Everyday you should also wake up and do things for yourself. Like having lunch
with someone or playing a boardgame with a group. In the moment "playing a
boardgame" may sounds silly and trivial compared to important "work" and
"career", so instead I call it, "maintaining my health". Don't neglect your
mental health. It's important. Also, dogs are almost always better than
people.

------
c7357658
Honestly, pretty awful. I'm fresh out of college, making 155K in my first job,
but I feel miserable because I can't sleep in NYC, the love of my life lives
across the country and I feel like we're growing apart, and because I work so
much I no longer have any hobbies.

I grew up poor and now I'm making more money than I ever imagined I could so I
feel like I can't complain too much, but as soon as I hit the 1 year mark and
am no longer obligated to pay back my signing/relocation bonus and fees
associated with breaking my lease, I'm moving to be with my SO (if we make it
to that point.) It's not worth it.

~~~
madhadron
I spent two years of my life in NYC. I hope you already are using earplugs? If
not, go down to the drugstore and buy the heaviest decibel rating you can
find.

Set some hard boundaries around work. It's a city where people overwork like
it's a mark of virtue. Plus, since you're not planning to stay, you don't need
to grind yourself to death to climb the corporate hierarchy.

Make time to talk to your SO almost every day. When I lived half a world away,
I called each morning during the week since her wakeup time was shortly before
my bedtime. From coast to coast is a little more awkward, but finding such a
time (afternoon commute for her, after dinner for you or the like) is a
powerful ritual.

~~~
jborichevskiy
Seconding the earplugs, also - blackout curtains and an eyemask.

Wishing the parent poster the best of luck with everything.

------
notamy
> How and how well do you keep track of your mental health, particularly for
> those with a history of mental health issues

I do some good old-fashioned journaling by hand. There's never been software
for this sort of thing that I liked, and it feels more cathartic to write it
by hand than to type it out. It does get hard at times, admittedly, with
things like a lackluster job searching experience, friends also having issues,
and a host of other issues that you run into in life, but such is life. I'm
just trying to do my best to get through it :) Actively making an effort to
spend time around others definitely helps.

------
vorpalhex
Pretty good. It's not all sunshine but it's all workable. My strategies are:

1\. journaling for the feedback loop

2\. meditation in times of stress or uncertainty

3\. exercise, regularly

4\. quality sleep, as close to 8 hours as I can manage

5\. a mix of intentionally alone time and social time with others - time alone
builds me up, but time with others maintains important relationships

~~~
mathgladiator
Something interesting about alone and together time is that it really depends
on the other people. Some people recharge me, and others just snap everything.

------
grep_name
For me it is very hard to tell how my mental health is. I usually track it by
looking back at conversations with people I care about, which can get weird.
When things get bad, I tend to dissociate a little as a sort of defense
mechanism. This time last year, I was more of an automatic process than a
person, which was caused by essentially being the only person responsible for
maintaining undocumented legacy software with a very critical manager who had
never managed a developer before and didn't understand the requests he was
making. This combined with an expensive chronic medical condition and the
inability to save enough money to support myself if he finally fired me caused
me to basically check out.

Now things have completely flipped, and it's pretty confusing. I got a job
that I like and switched industries from healthcare infrastructure to
manufacturing, and I actually believe in my company / like my manager / make a
little more money, and by living in a house with 4 friends I've known forever
I'm saving a ton. But I also have a 2.5 hour round-trip commute, and live in a
city with such bad infrastructure that things like getting groceries have a
huge amount of friction associated with them.

The weird thing is that the tiredness/lack of spare time/time dilation that
comes with a living situation like this __feels __like dissociation, and the
fact that I can 't move forward with my previous goals effectively makes me
feel like I am atrophying as a person. I'll probably do this for another year
or so.

------
BlameKaneda
I started a new job in January and although it was all right at first, it
wasn't until long when my boss and I started being at odds with one another.
As early as three months in he said multiple times that I "should know how to
X by know" and later on said that I "hadn't improved since I started."

I dreaded going into work everyday, primarily because of him. I started
looking for a new job six months in and I'm still looking.

About a month ago I started working with a remote dev, and it's been like
night and day. Not only is he incredibly patient with me, but we have a good
rapport and I'm unafraid to ask him questions. While he does give me fair
critiques (never harsh), he's also complimented my work which has been a huge
bonus.

This new arrangement's supposed to be temporary, and I'm hoping I can work
under the remote dev full-time. I'm dreading the possibility that I may work
under my original boss again.

But for now, my mental health has improved ten-fold. My original boss still
works in the same area as me, and although his presence still gives me some
anxiety at least I don't have to converse with him.

~~~
dijit
I don't know you at all; so I'm going to give you a piece of advice that
helped me when I was a young sysadmin, and I'm going to hope it applies.

If you join an established company, in the beginning at the very least; that
company has the responsibility to give you focus and training on the
requisites. The only times this doesn't apply is when you are a senior,
joining management, or creating a new team entirely.

If you're an individual contributer for an established team, you should feel
empowered to push back, because as long as you are attentive and put effort
in; you can do no wrong.

They hired you, for your skills, for your attitude, now it's up to them to
facilitate your work if they want it. Never feel ashamed for not knowing
something, for it is their responsibility to have given you that knowledge.
Never feel ashamed of not having work to do, for it is their responsibility to
feed it to you should you be able.

The blame is never on the IC, unless they're not trying.

~~~
ben509
I'll add to this from my experience in the Army because they really grok this
concept. If my platoon sergeant overheard me telling a private, "you don't
know X and Y," he'd dismiss that private, and he'd be demanding to know why I
hadn't trained and mentored that soldier and what my plan was to fix the
situation.

A good supervisor may often start by giving you a broad or vague objective,
"I'd like you to understand X and Y," but if you don't get there, your
supervisor's responsibility is to figure out why and develop a plan of action.

> ... that company has the responsibility to give you focus and training on
> the requisites.

There are specific business reasons behind this: they need to maintain a team
of people who are delivering enough value that the company can fulfill
promises it makes to shareholders.

> The blame is never on the IC, unless they're not trying.

In the private sector, this is true, the IC won't get blamed. They'll get
fired, and the supervisor will get blamed, but that doesn't help you much.

To make it work, the junior IC needs to build confidence in his managers that
he's able to produce at the team's level. And you can take action, probably as
simply as saying, "let's make some kind of agreement here that has specific
deliverables."

To work out a plan, it helps to consider what they're looking for with stuff
like "you should know how to X by now."

Contrary to popular belief, technical work is not a meritocracy, it's a
mediocracy. If you're much better than everyone else, you can't share your
work, and if you're far behind, you're not able to contribute. Having a bunch
of people on the same "level" enables throwing more bodies at a problem.

> Never feel ashamed for not knowing something...

I'll add another thing to not be ashamed about, which is not being good enough
to stay on a team. Even if it's theoretically possible for anyone to learn
anything, time and expertise in teaching are scarce, so "train person A" has
to be compared to "replace with person B."

Another military anecdote: I signed up as a cavalry scout, and learned to my
dismay that I have no sense of direction. I managed to get by and finish my
enlistment, but it was enough of an impediment that I'd never make rank.

It may be fucking soul-crushing, but it's not shameful if you give it your
best. Work out a plan to get yourself to where you need to be, but account for
the fact that failure is _always_ an option. Prepare to take ownership of it,
to candidly reassess your strengths and weakness and be ready to drive on. And
be glad you didn't sign up for a goddamned five year enlistment.

------
aecorredor
Sometimes I start questioning our existence but then I realize there’s no
point in doing that and just go back to doing whatever it is I enjoy the most.
¯\\_( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)_/¯

~~~
Insanity
Yeah but for true anxiety (existential anxiety in this case) this does not
work.

It's like telling people "If you're depressed, just be happy instead". If you
could just stop thinking about it you would..

~~~
aecorredor
Yeah no, I get that. I was just talking about my case. I’m mostly happy tbh,
but I’m pretty lucky. I know some people’s mental health is actually tied to
some biological reasons.

------
thowthisaway
I can't really think of anyone that DOESN'T have any mental issues. It can be
as simple as self-doubt, especially if you're married with kids. I believe men
suffer tremendously but never seek the necessary help. I'm lucky enough that
my employer allows for free sessions, and I have and will continue to seek
treatment since I benefited so much.

It's important to note that you HAVE to want it. If you have any bit of doubt
or skepticism, it will work against you.

Just accept it as someone looking to really help and it will help!

~~~
big_chungus
> I can't really think of anyone that DOESN'T have any mental issues

Citation very, very badly needed. Can't make the assertion that _everyone_ is
screwed up in the head without evidence.

I don't have issues; I get I'm a single datapoint, but your assertion was
essentially that everyone's got them. So now you can think of one. I've got a
happy life and everything's going well for me and my family. Hiccups here-and-
there, like everyone, but good overall.

~~~
ben509
Agreed. It's especially important not to confuse a chronic issue with
something like stress. If you experienced a major event and it forced you to
work long hours, introduced a lot of uncertainty, strained your family, etc.
you'd "have issues" but they'd be transient.

------
tickerticker
Although I am still on A/D meds, I am the best I have been in years because I
escaped an emotionally abusive relationship a year ago. Since then, I have
reclaimed stability and self-esteem by hitting the gym daily. The freedom to
live without that influence is still amazing to me.

------
throwaway942502
Bad, but slowly improving I think. I came close to committing suicide a couple
of times in the last few months. After the first episode, I opened up to a
close friend and family member about it. Then I decided to give therapy a
shot. After the second attempt, I decided to try antidepressants. I'm on my
second week of taking Lexapro 10mg and I think it's starting to make a
difference.

~~~
atdt
Sending you a virtual hug. Hang in there.

~~~
throwaway942502
Thank you.

------
codewritinfool
Awful. My wife has a terminal illness and I'm struggling to work while taking
care of her and shopping and cleaning and laundry and cooking and pets and
school, etc.

When I say I'm struggling to work, I'm struggling to be clear-headed and
effective at work. My co-workers are AWESOME and are helping to shoulder the
load, and the upper management has been great giving me time to deal with
appointments. I _am_ contributing, but I know I'm not up to what I usually do.

I'm presently talking to some mental health professionals while getting the
family to step up and help a bit, but it doesn't lessen the strain as much as
I had hoped.

~~~
tomjen3
A loved one with a terminal illness is naturally going to take enough of your
focus that you can't contribute as much as you otherwise could. Don't beat
yourself up on that one, just enjoy the time you have left and focus on making
as many memories as possible.

------
spodek
I've never felt better.

I can count several years that were the worst of my life and it didn't make
sense to go on -- my first year of graduate school when I got my life's worst
grades, my girlfriend left me, I didn't have time for my hobbies, my roommates
didn't pay bills in my name and broke my things, etc; also the year my first
company almost wen bankrupt and I felt I couldn't trust anyone. Those
experiences and getting out of them put my problems today in perspective.

I jump out of bed every morning. I love my work and the people I work with
[http://joshuaspodek.com/podcast](http://joshuaspodek.com/podcast). I'm
passionate about my projects. There are hard challenges, but taking them on is
the source of my purpose and gives me meaning.

I often feel bad and in those moments I wouldn't write like this. Sometimes I
feel like giving up, but past disasters and my lessons from them tell me those
moments will pass. My practices of regular exercise, a healthy diet, and
sleeping a minimum that's right for me most nights are a solid foundation to
build on.

I wrote my books on the NYU courses I teach that develop this lifestyle
[https://www.amazon.com/Initiative-Proven-Method-Bring-
Passio...](https://www.amazon.com/Initiative-Proven-Method-Bring-
Passions/dp/1733039902) and [https://www.amazon.com/Leadership-Step-Become-
Person-Others/...](https://www.amazon.com/Leadership-Step-Become-Person-
Others/dp/0814437931).

------
mntmoss
I took a storytelling class recently and the book we used as a text,
"Storytelling and the art of Imagination" (Nancy Mellon) has some sound advice
for using stories for healing purposes. I find it rather powerful as a way of
extending journaling and taking it out of the nihlistic-ruminating mode that
feeds anxious-depressed cycles - just taking control of an ordinary life story
and adding a few fairy tale elements does a lot.

------
k__
Going to some kind of life coach.

It helps to talk about my life with someone intelligent who isn't involved in
any way.

Gives me some new perspectives.

I'm kinda neurotic (probably normal for a millenial, haha), but it's often
hard for me to see the good things in life.

~~~
vorpalhex
> probably normal for a millenial

Labels are better applied to food items than people.

------
LegendaryPatMan
I really don't to use an app and I don't buy mindfulness in the slightest so
for me, I write down important things that are nagging at me at the end of the
day or standout negative events etc in a little diary I keep in my bag so it's
where even I am and I can keep track of these events

Apart from that, I take time to do things that are in no way related work so I
go to the Cinema with non-IT people, I joined a cycling club where the only
rules are that you're not allowed to talk shop or politics and we just trundle
about talking about all sorts, what ever really.

Outside of that, I try and integrate exercise into my day so like, get off a
bus stop early to work or cycle instead of talking the bus when it's not to
cold or wet.

At the end of the week, I get off early to see my therapist and we just shoot
the shit really and talk about all sorts, or sit in silence. I don't get the
process, but it works whatever it is for the most part. As long as I'm not
stressed, things generally aren't terrible, but they ain't always great either

~~~
criddell
> I don't buy mindfulness in the slightest

> I write down important things that are nagging at me

Sounds like you buy it at least a bit.

~~~
LegendaryPatMan
There can be overlap between methods doing CBT and mindfulness and I need to
record my thoughts so I can have an honest conversation with my therapist.

Like maybe I should have been clearer with that specific sentiment because
what I really have an issue with isn't the Hindu idea of mindfulness but with
a company provided mindfulness program or say the hundred million dollar
Headspace App mindfulness idea. I'd personally be deeply uncomfortable with
giving that kind of deeply personal information over to anyone but my
therapist who treat my data as health records and does everything on paper

~~~
criddell
> my therapist who treat my data as health records and does everything on
> paper

The downside of this, of course, is that you are relying on physical security
only. All of the data is plaintext.

------
pisteoff
Not great. Monitoring my mental health is critical for me. I caught a severe
TBI 8 years ago and things have never been the same. I hate the way my brain
works now. I hate not being able to concentrate, not remembering a lot things,
having to take stimulants, anti-seizure meds, and anti-depressants just to
feel a bit normal. I especially hate the personality changes, however minor
some of them are. I miss my old self more than anyone can imagine. Yes, I have
therapists, physiatrists and doctors all on my side but every single day is
still a struggle. It's taken a toll on my family and kids. Some days it seems
like they're the only things keeping me going. It's easy to get down and to
start wallowing in self-pity, but you just have to keep going. One thing, one
step at a time. It could be worse.

------
tony
I feel psychology has way many ways to help us. If you happen to open to new
things:

\- Personality psychology is insanely powerful and useful when it comes to
understanding people / situations. _An introduction to theories of personality
Book_ by Robert B Ewen is gold.

Have you ever had gut instinct about how someone acts/a phenomena but lacked
the words to express it? A distrust/discomfort, déjà vu, or feeling someone is
being motivated by dredging up an issue from their past and trying to recreate
it with you, to "try it on" you like a Cinderella slipper? (Could be in a good
or bad way)

When you grasp the concepts, it can go well into looking at your family /
upbringing, yourself, selecting a partner, personalities to distrust/avoid,
etc.

Also you may find yourself liking concepts from Freud / Jung / Adler / Horney
/ Bowlby+Ainsworth and so on. That alone can give you a more informed
perspective on behavior.

\- Here's an example of professor using the above tools to dissect Twilight
(haven't saw the movie or read it yet): _Deconstructing Twilight:
Psychological and Feminist Perspectives on the Series New edition Edition_ by
Donna M. Ashcraft. She also written a personality theories workbook.

\- Object relations stuff is absolutely awesome.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Myk352wMSs](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Myk352wMSs).
IMO it's far easier to digest if you grasp psychodynamic theories above.

\- Projective identification:
[https://youtu.be/cBnZiP3W3ao?t=1215](https://youtu.be/cBnZiP3W3ao?t=1215)

\- You can then take it into individual (like schema therapy
[https://www.guilford.com/excerpts/young.pdf](https://www.guilford.com/excerpts/young.pdf))
and family therapy methods (e.g. Bowenian
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLQOWoom2d0](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLQOWoom2d0))
where the concepts on the stuff above occur

------
raducu
I'm supposed to use a document template my therapist emailed me, most likely I
will search for an app that does the same (too paranoid about printing and
filling a document about my mood) -- so I don't track it yet.

I was diagnosed 5 years ago with BPD, has gotten better over the years(mostly
by just life exposure I guess), I still get huge situational flare-ups, stuff
about work or family, but I no longer react like a cornered animal, even at my
worst I realise "this thing sucks at an intensity of 8/10, most likely it will
subside in a day or two if I go back on buspirone, and if not, I have
benzodiazepines as backup, sleep aids and so on".

~~~
sincarne
Is the template something you could share? I'd be interested in seeing it, and
I'm sure I'm not the only one.

In the paste I've created text expansions for journaling forms I've wanted to
use, then just dump them into the app I was using. Unfortunately I don't have
those anymore.

~~~
raducu
The template is in romanian so I'll try and describe it, the columns are days
of week, the lines are:

"Daily disposition" -5 Maximum Depression .. +5 full blown Mania

Wakeup hour

Breakfast hour

Lunch hour

Active hours per day (work, school or other)

Number of people you interacted with that day

Physical activity in hours

Dinner hour

Sleep hour

Substance consumption(alcohool, tobacco, coffee, other)

Special events/ conflicts

Treatment

------
throwawayxxx6
With an anxiety disorder, tracking your mental health more frequently than
weekly is very likely seriously counterproductive.

~~~
throwawayxxx6
Expanding now I've got more time: Obviously, thinking about having a mental
health issue is itself likely to make you more anxious. Butat least some
(all?) anxiety disorders are theorised to be runaway feedback loops. For
example, social anxiety : worrying about some minor stumble occupies part of
your brain and makes it harder to pay the attention necessary for good social
interactions, and bad (or just indifferent) interactions make one more
anxious, closing the loop. In this situation, paying attention to the anxiety
is maladaptive.

Hopefully someone more qualified than me will correct this/ let us know how
widely applicable it is.

------
hangonhn
Full disclosure, I work for a mental health startup.

Some of you may not know but many tech companies, especially in the Bay Area,
has mental healthcare benefits via their EAP (Employee Assistance Program).
You should find out from your HR. The one I work for makes a point of making
it super easy to find a therapist for the patient and the appointments can be
done in person or over video. EAPs are generally free. Please use it if you
feel like you need it and take care of yourselves. Don't try to shrug it off
-- approach it like how you would with other forms of health care.

~~~
JohnFen
> You should find out from your HR

I'm so torn about this advice. It's probably OK in most companies, but there
certainly are companies where informing your employer that you feel the need
of mental health assistance would harm your work situation.

If possible, it might be better to find what resources are available without
involving HR or your manager. That information may be in the packet of stuff
you got during onboarding, or on the employee web site, etc.

~~~
hangonhn
Ask for your benefits one pager. That way they won't know what specific
benefit you're looking for.

------
sanzomebe
Not great. I'm in my early 30's and I've never been able to keep a job for
more than a few months. I never managed to perform to my true abilities. I've
been to doctors and therapists and they tell me I'm not sick. In a way, I kind
of wish I was depressed or had a regular label so I could at least have an
explanation.

I never tell my friends about my issues. I can't even imagine how that
conversation would go: "What happened about your last job?" "Oh, I can't reply
to emails..."

~~~
adamnemecek
Be more specific.

~~~
sanzomebe
I start off in a new job feeling pretty ok, but quickly it just devolves into
procrastination and anxiety. I feel to anxious to open my emails so I don't
reply to anything and don't get anything done.

I actually took a remote job (hah) thinking that maybe getting out of the
office environment would help. Nope, now all communication was online it felt
even more stressful. They thought I'd been hit by a car or something when I
just stopped contacting them.

Now my resume looks like swiss cheese and it's hard to even get interviews
now. I mean, why would you hired someone who has so many short stints at so
many different jobs.

I went to a top school as well, so I have to put up seeing my schoolmates
making their millions and living lavish lifestyles. I just want a simple life
and a job that I can do for more than a year.

~~~
punchclockhero
My heart goes out to you. I have the exact same problem and it's not just with
work. I've been unable to write long form since the beginning of high school.
Funnily enough I managed to scrape through most of an English degree program
until I dropped out in the fourth year.

IM is usually ok, unless I expect to be criticized.

My remote fiasco is pretty similar to yours. Eventually it got cut from a full
time job to an hour a month maintenance gig. I ended it when I started an in-
office job and supposedly sign again for easier paperwork. I've been putting
it off for like 3 months and old boss doesn't even send reminders anymore.

Current job is very scrummy, very social. Coworkers are a chair roll away, so
no email. Right now there's a lot of work and scarcely have time to go inside
my head. I hope it helps, I really do.

------
wnkrshm
I think I have figured out that I have adult ADHD, the innatentive kind, with
problems of directing focus where I want it to be. If you give me something
interesting, I can commit and spend a day absorbed in it but it's extremely
hard to direct my focus where I need it to be - my head is full of ten things
at the same time. Once adrenaline hits and the deadline draws near I can focus
well but over the last years this always resulted in a crunch-exhaustion
cycle, I've been through hundreds of those with a weekly interval and I think
I've burnt out on that a little.

I've discovered this in the past months, where, for the first time, I've only
had one single project at work instead of more than two. Before, I blamed this
inability to focus on the amount of different issues and projects (that were
mostly non-related in terms of subjects) that I had but now...

Now I find it's equally hard to focus on the one thing without getting
distracted - and adrenaline helps to get the focus, so my weekly productivity
looks just like before with more projects, just fewer peaks.

I've only got an appointment in January for diagnosis but since the DSM-V
wasn't updated in terms of adult ADHD, a diagnosis involves answering
questionnaires about when you were a kid more than the actual situation now.

Edit: typo

------
Kluny
I'm doing okay these days. A year ago I started taking anti-anxiety meds at a
very low dose and seeing a counselor every month or so. I also broke up with a
partner who didn't treat me very well and met someone who I see a future with.
A year and a half ago the answer would have been something like "thinking
about going to emergency so that I don't hurt myself". All the changes I made
felt small and insignificant at the time but they added up.

~~~
raducu
Can I ask what anti-anxiety meds are you taking?

~~~
Kluny
Zoloft (sertraline) 50mg/day.

------
RaceWon
Its not easy to live openly as a survivor and I still struggle with it: I was
repeatedly abused sexually as a child, my adopted mother had sex me when I was
6... but that is nothing compared to a sexual assault that I suffered at the
hands of a nurse.

I won't go into the details; except to say that is was so traumatic I was
blind to the scar that she left on my penis (my first real GF asked me how I
got it at when I was 18, and even though it was plain as day I never noticed
it!). I had no memory of her attack until about 40 years later, and I suffered
severe headaches and bloody nightmares those for 40 years.

The day I remembered her attack the nightmares ended and I virtually never get
any headaches--and when I do, half an aspirin cure's them; they are not the
debilitating monsters that formerly haunted me. I know I have PTSD but its not
easy to deal with my past... I get nauseous thinking about it (here it comes
now in fact) but I'm better than I was before so, we'll keep chipping away at
it for now. I have told one doc about this in detail a few years ago and an
online chat buddy who was assaulted when she was a girl is a huge help in
this.

------
tombert
I'm manic-depressive (diagnosed about two years ago), and honestly I'm really
glad I discovered services like Doctor On Demand and Teladoc.

Seeing a doctor in person is a really time-consuming (and expensive if you're
in the US and don't have good insurance), but Doctor on Demand/Teladoc makes
it relatively cheap and easy to see a therapist who can actually prescribe any
help you out.

------
xupybd
I'd say if I was seek help I'd have some issues with depression and anxiety. I
think most people have some low grade difficulties.

I've learnt that the following are important:

* Keep in contact with friends. Isolation is a killer to my mental health. * Don't burn out. Long hours destroy my ability to focus then I get down about my ability to work. This leads to a depression like state that is hard to shake. * Avoid behavious I disagree with. Everyone has a moral code they live by. I find if I do things that violate mine the internal conflict is very destructive to me mental health. * Avoid addictions. Name your vice here. I have an addictive personality keeping away from addictions is key to staying sane. * Never play the victim. I'm always able to improve my life somehow even if it's just developing a better internal view of my external circumstances. My happiness is my own doing.

------
gitgud
Tracking my mental health is something I've never consciously considered...
But there are some things I guess do, which all improve my mental state:

\- Improve physical health -> I walk the dog, run, kite surf. Exercise make
you feel healthy and better.

\- Expressing myself -> Participate in discussions (like this), talk about
issues, explain problems to someone. Expressing yourself greatly improves your
own mental state.

\- Making Things -> creating things (programming, woodworking), work on many
side projects, learn/refine skills.

\- Trying Comedy -> Not standup, just trying to make people laugh in
conversation is rewarding and improves your brain.

\- Focusing on Relationships -> Friends, family, partners; can help you
improve yourself and remind you your not alone.

Hmmm, it looks like all these concepts are entangled with each other
anyway.... (Note to self: express yourself more clearly)

------
madhadron
My mental health is okay at the moment. I spent the last few years in therapy,
which helped me work through a lot of intellectual and emotional scar tissue.
I'm no longer on antidepressants, and it's nice not having a dry mouth all the
time.

I have little questionnaires and signposts that I have developed for myself. I
write a weekly-ish email to a list of friends, and if I don't have anything to
say, I know that I haven't had enough time for reflection, which will make
everything else cascade. It's not the reflection itself, but the absence of
reflection is a good proxy. Similarly, I try to stay aware of how "tattered"
my mental state is.

Sleep, diet, enough space in my life where reflection occurs naturally, and
enough physical exertion that I don't feel awful are the biggest factors at
this point.

------
ageofwant
People today have very good rational and reasonable reasons to feel like shit.
The corporate or 'world' value system is at odds with what we viscerally
understand being compatible with any sort of quality future. We are angry and
frustrated because we have every fucking reason to be so.

So what now?

    
    
        * You acknowledge that most stress comes from value system miss-alignment and its implications. 
        * You start or continue doing whatever you can to get the real issues fixed. 
        * You need to come to a place where you are able to survive today
            * Exercise
            * Read Kafka
            * Read the meditations of Marcus Aurelius
            * Find a friend https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC3CBOpT2-NRvoc2ecFMDCsA

------
nagasr
Excuse if this is a naive question. How does one go about evaluating one's own
mental health?

~~~
JohnFen
That's a really great question.

Honestly? If you're asking that question, I'd say that you shouldn't. Instead,
you should see a therapist or counselor.

The reason for this is that one of the primary things a good therapist does
for you is to teach you how to do that, and what to do with the insights a
self-evaluation gives you.

Seeking a therapist is not something that should be limited to people who are
in crisis, and is not a commitment to lifelong therapy. Any good therapist
will be thrilled to hear that you want to see them to learn how to evaluate
and manage your mental health.

------
avb333
For anyone feeling stressed out here's a small exercise to feel a bit better
[https://howitzer.co/how-to-feel-better-
in-5-minutes/](https://howitzer.co/how-to-feel-better-in-5-minutes/)

------
cka
Bad. I've suffered from depression for ages. I'm an academic teaching at a
small college in a small rural town. I wish I could regularly see a therapist,
but there's no one within an hour of where I live. Definitely feel trapped.

~~~
TurkishPoptart
What kind of stuff do you teach? Do you enjoy teaching at least?

------
alexanderbergi
It's going downhill, Having trouble adjusting at my internship. It's in South
East Asia and I'm from Europe. When we spoke on skype during the interview, I
was under the impression that the startup company had a lot of structure and
wanted to help me improve as a developer.

In the first 2 weeks, I did absolutely nothing and was encouraged to watch
some react tutorials on youtube. I bugged them multiple times stating I wanted
to work on something and feel productive. After 2 weeks, I was placed on a
team working on a web app that was tied together by duct tape. With only 1
week of react knowledge, it wasn't hard to spot that this code was a mess,
especially the styling side of things was painful. They tasked me with making
the site responsive, for which they provided me with the mobile screens and
said good luck. They use a mix of Styled components, css, scss and style
attributes. 95% of the pages were written with hardcoded margins and paddings
which led me to essentially rewrite almost all of the layout. It was mentally
draining. Once I was finally finished with this the client wanted a rebranding
and they essentially changed a lot of the styling and layout, so I was back to
square one, luckily while making it responsive I stripped out a lot of double
css rules and added variables to make it easier to work with some colours and
margins etc.

On top of this scrum is only partly being used, so clients get free reign mid-
sprint, a scrum board doesn't exist, story points aren't really discussed they
are just guestimated by the Project manager and all tasks are listed as git
issues with about a million different labels.

I'm now on a new team where I actually have an interesting project however,
the specs keep changing. The senior developer didn't have faith in my
implementation, which led to me implementing his idea only for him to realize
I was right in the first place. There is no involvement and no one wants to
pick up responsibility to the point where I also stopped caring, which I guess
is what happened to everyone else here. Wages are low in this country but all
the customers are in Europe so it is kind of starting to feel like I'm just
really cheap labor for them.

It's just really draining, the traffic here is really bad which causes me to
leave in the dark and get home in the dark. There are 2 and a half more months
to go and I don't really see it getting better.

Please tell me not all internships are like this and things will get better.
Also any tips are welcome, I might be naive or lack experience and I'm just
seeing things the wrong way.

------
Diederich
I'm going to post something that's not directly on topic, and is perhaps not
that interesting in the grand scheme of things.

And it is going to ramble a bit. There is a summary at the end.

Shortly after 11am Pacific, 12 days ago, on his 74th birthday, my father
walked into the backyard of his home of 42 years, sat in a lawn chair, and
used a .357 magnum revolver to end his life.

He played virtually no role in raising me; at my parents request, his parents
became my legal guardians when I was six years old, and prior to that, I spent
most of my time at their house anyway.

His parents had only a single child, and my parents had only a single child.

I lived in my dad's house for five years in the 1980s while attending
university, but working a full time job and taking 50% more classes than a
full load meant I was almost never home and awake at the same time. Since
then, except for some long pauses, we've communicated mostly via e-mail, with
fewer than half a dozen phone calls.

His first wife, my mother, left him in the mid 1970s and he re-married a year
later. His 2nd wife, Jane, had even less connection to me.

My grandparents were excellent guardians and parents, and I was nurtured and
well cared for.

Jane died a few years ago after being married to my dad for 38 years after a
prolonged and terrible fight with breast cancer. Nine years prior, she had
forbidden him to communicate with me, and he had agreed, so I'd not heard from
him in most of a decade.

He contacted me the day after she died via e-mail. Near the end of her life,
she had given him the go ahead to resume communications with me after she
died.

Born in the mid 1940s, my father would very likely be evaluated as being on
the autistic spectrum as things are seen today. Just like his father and his
son.

He had an easy charisma, but that was very shallow: he was functionally
socially retarded. Besides the small number of women in his life, he had
created almost no substantial social bonds.

When we did communicate, we got along quite well, but, in a fairly friendly
but irresistible way, he almost sought to 'manage' the conversation, moving it
in his own interests and directions. And there was always at least a mild to
moderate negative/paranoid tone.

In general, even though the overall communications were cordial and friendly,
I didn't really like to engage with him, because I felt a little worse about
things after. Not a lot, but a bit.

Anyway, about a year after Jane's death, he met and started building a
relationship with another woman, named Rosie. She is about 14 years younger
than him. And their relationship blossomed, though with some troubling
caveats.

She insisted he tell nobody about her or their relationship, and said she
could not tell her family about it, for various seemingly, on the surface,
plausible reasons. Of course he told me about it, since I was the only other
person in the world he really talked to.

Though she didn't ask for it directly, last year he took most of the value out
of his house and bought her a nice condo.

Moving ahead more briefly, she dumped him in February 2019. He was shattered,
and rightly felt betrayed. He began to plan his exit at that time, eight
months before his birthday.

He and I continued to exchange e-mails, perhaps one per week, and I had no
hint or indication of his plans.

As was his style, every detail had been taken care of. He placed a 'packet' on
the kitchen table: burial clothes, a note, a legal copies of various legal
documents. That morning, he put a large package of all kinds of legal
documentation, along with 15 pages of explanation and other important
information in the mail, to be delivered to me the next day. He had enumerated
where everything of value could be found in the house, which he had almost
completely emptied. Included was detailed contact information: mortuary,
lawyers, information on the reverse mortgage he had taken out, and detailed
hand-written notes explaining all sorts of relevant details.

He setup a 'direct burial', next to Jane, in the Riverside National Cemetery,
since he was a veteran. 'direct burial': no service, just straight from
coroner to mortuary to the ground.

He and Jane took care of and loved many cats and a couple of dogs over the
years, and that work brought them great joy. Rosie insisted that he get rid of
all of his pets, and he did so.

The homicide detective I spoke to said that this was the most straightforward
case she'd ever seen. His body cleared the Los Angeles County coroners office
in a single day, which the mortuary had a hard time believing was possible.

He died as he lived: with meticulous planning and attention to detail.

Here he is, 69 or 70 years of age, a quick photo of his drivers license.
Before this photo, the last time I had seen him was in 2004, before he started
working out. This picture was striking because I'd never seen him have a
'thin' face.

[http://www.realms.org/pics/robert-diederich-drivers-
license-...](http://www.realms.org/pics/robert-diederich-drivers-license-
photo.png)

This event has been challenging for my wife, son and I but not shattering,
since none of us had any kind of non-surface relationship with him.

But it has brought into focus a few things.

In summary: building and maintaining multiple personal connections is
critically important. My father was in the fullness of health, even in his
70s, working out several hours every morning.

Fundamentally, why did he choose suicide? At this time, I'd say the most
proximate cause was the terrible, untimely death of his wife. But that didn't
need to be the end. He had never learned how to create and maintain healthy
relationships. Why? That's hard to say with any certainty, but (probably)
being on the autism spectrum likely played a part.

I'll end this ramble here: the one thing he repeated most often in our
communications over the years was the importance of holding my wife and son
very close. In truth, their presence has helped bring me through many
difficult times over the decades.

Rest in peace, dad.

Robert W. Diederich

October 24th, 1945 - October 24th, 2019

Cheers,

-Dana

PS: Thank you for reading this.

~~~
throwaway942502
I'm very sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing.

------
Stronico
My current mental health has a direct relationship with sleep and exercise,
which I guess means that it's as good as it can be (i.e. everything is more or
less under my control). That being said - it's pretty good.

~~~
thowthisaway
exercise, omg you have no idea how much this helps.

~~~
clarry
Is there something wrong with the way I jog? Because I don't find it to be
making much of a difference. Same for cycling, walking, etc.

~~~
thowthisaway
where do you jog? do you jog with someone? sometimes that makes a huge
difference. I try to jog outside in the morning or during lunch.

~~~
clarry
Here, alone:
[https://www.google.com/maps/dir/62.2298738,25.7369546/62.229...](https://www.google.com/maps/dir/62.2298738,25.7369546/62.2297789,25.7371685/@62.2340437,25.7416431,15.5z/data=!4m19!4m18!1m15!3m4!1m2!1d25.7622129!2d62.2353277!3s0x468574057d360c51:0xf2797bc13b06cf75!3m4!1m2!1d25.7582469!2d62.2323282!3s0x46857404f832b985:0xb9b7d4686dd59be7!3m4!1m2!1d25.7448569!2d62.2310439!3s0x4685741cc7470e5d:0x8e618b007a8b06cf!1m0!3e2)

I'm really not a morning person, and my lunch breaks are stretching long
enough as it is.. that really leaves after work as the only passable time.

------
weci2i
This is a timely thread in my life. Thank you starting it. I do a number of
the things mentioned here already. A couple quick questions for some with
experience:

1\. What are some good resources to get into meditation? I’ve tried several
times and I feel like I keep starting in the wrong place with overgeneralized
information. I don’t think I know anyone in real life that does it either.

2\. How do you deal with some anxieties that might be brought on by age? I
find my mind wandering to existential things I’ve never cared about before
more and more frequently as I age. I haven’t found a great way to deal with it
yet.

------
maps7
Not great. I'm at an all time confidence low. In my personal life I feel like
I'm not respected by the people closest to me. In my professional life I feel
like I've moved to a role that I can't and don't want to grow in. For the
first time in my career I do not like work. I feel stressed and overloaded
with 'busy' work.

I was thinking of getting a life coach or something similar. Does anyone have
experience with that?

To end on a positive note, I'm eating well (mainly a plant based diet) and
working out more than normally within the last few years.

------
NKosmatos
Who hasn’t got problems these days? Anxiety, stress, work pressure, financial
problems, health issues and many more contribute in creating many mental
health related issues that most of us take as granted in our modern lives :-(
I understand that for people diagnosed with a condition and on medication is
more serious than the rest of us, but I think if affects all of us. What I
find working for me is keeping my mind occupied with stuff (technology,
photography, music, books...) and talking to other people. Reading HN late at
night really helps a lot.

------
hanniabu
It would be better if I didn't have to deal with people all day.

------
Pick-A-Hill2019
Personally I didn't, even though the markers were there. Not from a head-in-
sand attitude, more that I did not want it to be a self-conjured certainty by
constantly fretting over a 'what-if'. I figured that if lightning was going to
strike it would and not worrying about it allowed me several peaceful and
productive years. Equally if lightning hadn't struck then I would have spent
my time here on earth stressing about something that never happened.

------
soneca
I am building a mood tracker that I plan to transform into a quiet social
network that has tracking mental health as one of the objectives.

But... I will actually link you to my competitor. They have a much more
polished and stable software now, they are the biggest player in the space of
mood tracking and loved by its users:
[https://daylio.webflow.io/](https://daylio.webflow.io/) (They have a generous
free plan)

------
jborichevskiy
It’s a continuous effort in paying attention to my mood, physical exercise,
good sleep, journaling, meditation, a healthy diet, and quality time with
friends. And even with all of that sometimes things break down. I’ve written a
post about my habits here, perhaps someone might find it helpful.

[https://jborichevskiy.com/posts/healthy-
living/](https://jborichevskiy.com/posts/healthy-living/)

~~~
TurkishPoptart
I like this idea, but I'm far too afraid that this information can be leaked
out, or that companies and .govs will try to buy it from the software company.

~~~
jborichevskiy
Do you mean concerns with tracking all your health via digital means?

------
bryanmgreen
Starting a business is a rewarding challenge to do something I believe is
truly impactful and I actively choose to be very optimistic about it. However,
there are many other personal things I can't ignore like relationships and
bills plus past experiences that cast doubt over it all.

I manage it by maintaining a consistent sleep schedule, relatively clean diet,
and most importantly, appreciating/enjoying what I do have right now.

------
jshowa3
Horrible as always. Constantly stressed out. Pulled in 3 different directions
at work. Can't get meaningful work done. Procrastinating. Etc.

------
arandr0x
IDK if this is a "mental" health issue, but my caffeine consumption is not
helping my problems but I don't feel like myself on "slow days".

Otherwise fine. I guess I could use more/better relationships but am working
on it. Occasionally there'll be a 8 or 12 hour stretch that is barely
tolerable, but I tell myself everything shall pass and then it does, so.

------
Red_Leaves_Flyy
Bad enough to get involuntarily committed. Good enough to say the right things
to avoid being committed. Somewhat ironically if I get committed I'll almost
certainly off myself because the idea of restarting from being broke,
unemployed, and homeless again is a complete non starter.

------
sahinyanlik
Today I learned 4 people suicided because of lack of money. All of them were
over 40, I am sad the people of this country couldn't see them. I am sad I
know some people will have it in future for just same reason. I am sad it
could be me I am sad I can be one of my family member.

------
httpsterio
it's alright. could be better, could be worse, but thanks for asking!

I'm currently physically not well, I have the symptoms of hypopituidarism with
all the hormonal imbalance issues and it's taken a mental toll. waiting to get
my brains scanned.

I'm burnt out, not because of my work but my physical health makes my work
mentally too hard and tiring for me.

So, I'm gonna quit after taking a longer sick leave. I made up my mind a few
months ago and I've just tried to finish in up my loose ends at work, but
haven't disclosed any of my issues to anyone at work yet. it's a bit shitty
thing to do, but I'm awkward and I'd feel bad if I knew I'd have to go back
there for a month after handing in my resignation.

So, there's that basically.

------
jbrooksuk
I’ve actually just started a new podcast on discussing mental health in the
software development industry. It’s called Happy Dev [https://happy-
dev.transistor.fm](https://happy-dev.transistor.fm)

Episode one will be out tomorrow morning!

~~~
rusinov
Will check it out. Thanks for sharing.

------
lacampbell
It's pretty good. Mainly in 'maintenance' mode, doing minor improvements. The
whole stop letting stuff you can't change bother you and focus on what you can
change. Common advice, but easier said than followed.

------
rswskg
Terrible. I bailed out of a contract because not only was the working
environment very poor, but I also recognised I was a long way from being
useful there. I'm two weeks out and lost.

~~~
JohnFen
Bailing on that contract sounds to me like a very healthy action. May I offer
a suggestion or two for what to do next?

First, keep (or reestablish) the routine you had while working. That is, get
up at the time you used to, get ready for a workday as if you still worked
there, and work.

You didn't really quit working, you just changed your job from whatever you
did as a contractor to finding a replacement gig. So do that -- find another
contract, find a permanent position, engage in skill-expanding or continuing
education activities, and so forth. Anything that is a step in the direction
you want to go.

Remember, the journey to success really is done one step at a time.

~~~
rswskg
Thankfully I have a child and a partner. They really save me, I go to bed
before 12 and get up to take baby to nursery.

Weirdly after writing the original message, I had my first good day.

------
burntoutfire
I'm much better since I got out of coding and into analyst/architect role. I
guess I'm not well suited to interact with a machine for 40 hours per week.

------
confidantlake
I have social anxiety disorder. My mental health has gotten worse since
starting a new job with 100% pairing. I don't want to pair every day and I try
to bring up that I would like to pair less but it does no good. I say hey I
would like to pair less and the response is always "how can we make pairing
better"? No one cares that I actually don't want to pair. I have gone from
having panic attacks once every few months to weekly. I assume I will get
fired at some point over this. No one at works likes me. Some dislike me but
most are indifferent. At my last job I had a few people I was friends with.

My wife wants to have kids but I don't think it would be at all responsible
with my mental health the way it is to have kids. Shit sucks. I have a great
relationship with my wife and with my parents. I grew up in an upper middle
class family in a stable home. I was never bullied.

SSRIS makes me super tired, to the point I fall asleep when taking them. I am
already low energy, so with SSRI's it is completely unworkable. Besides I feel
like a zombie on them. I am a runner, am not overweight, and have a good diet.
Still energy levels are low. My most happy time is my daily run.

I went to 2 different therapists like 2 years ago. I left both of them because
it felt like I was paying for someone to pretend to care and they didn't care
about me at all. It is probably not at all true, but my brain views stuff this
way. I should go to therapy again, but I live in America. I am scared they
will put me on some kind of list, either government or employee blacklist if I
do. Also it is expensive and I am terrified of being fired and becoming
homeless.

I often write long messages like this, send it, and then panic about it hours
or days later and delete them. There are random people at work that for
whatever reason my brain got scared of and I can't even look at them. This
makes things super awkward, because they just think I am an ass. I don't
actually not like them, my brain just panics seeing them. They weren't mean to
me or anything. My goal is to get into a top company, save a lot so I can
retire or withstand any worsening in my mental health.

I get panic attacks in about a third of job interviews. I felt like I was
fairly close to getting into one of the faangs, but my anxiety made me preform
worse than I should. I will probably try to again, but the interview circuit
isn't that fun when you are guaranteed to get a panic attack.

I feel like I am in the mental health closet like gay people used to have to
be in the closet. I am not a danger to anyone. I wouldn't hurt a fly. I am
just not as pleasant to be around as someone with no mental health issues.

~~~
sturakov
There's no easy solution to what you are facing.

One thing that might be helpful is for you to go to therapy with your wife.
When your brain panics at interacting with other people, your perception of
others might be skewed. Maybe your therapists meant well and your anxiety got
in the way of you continuing with them. Your wife can help provide you with
perspective with any therapist you meet. Just a sanity check after a session
can help with judging your own thoughts. Separating what is anxiety and what
is your own thoughts. Please try to find another therapist, one you connect
with.

Also, check the laws with each therapist you meet with. They have strict
privacy laws around those sessions.

~~~
confidantlake
That is a good idea. I agree that my therapists likely did mean well but my
anxiety skewed my perceptions.

------
rgbimbochamp
I study at CMU. 'nuff said.

------
smkellat
Doing better. I gave up on my job a month ago. Not sure what I’m going to do
now.

------
imesh
I hate working and I'm pretty bummed I have to do it everyday.

------
inetknght
> _How and how well do you keep track of your mental health_

Mentally. Not very well. This is an area in need of improvement for me. I'm
mid-30s and mental health is getting to be pretty important as of late.

> _, particularly for those with a history of mental health issues, and those
> with a family history of mental issues._

TBQH I think that means _everyone_.

I live in America. In America, mental health takes a backseat to just about
everything. Man up and get work done. If you've got a mental issue then feel
free to get fired because there's a dozen more people behind you waiting to be
employed for just as cheap. If you can't afford to be fired then that's _just
too bad_.

I don't trust insurance companies. Outside of insurance, therapists are
_expensive as !@#$_ , particularly if you're poor. You're paying for someone
else's time and "time is money, friend."

My employer's insurance has an Employee Assistance Program. I looked at it
and... therapy is over the phone??? I would never talk therapy to someone over
the phone. First I have a lot of trouble understanding people on the phone.
The audio quality is poor to begin with but I genuinely have trouble
hearing/understanding/remembering/responding to words people say. There's a
_ton_ of body language which is just _gone_ when you're talking on the phone
(or VOIP or even webcam). There's a delay between transmission and reception.
Then there's also the fact that phones aren't secure. I have trust issues so
security is important.

I have literally no idea how to even _find_ a therapist other than asking my
employer's insurance company for a list. I don't want to do that. I don't want
to tip anyone off to think "oh man @inetknght is a mental case, we'd better
fire them" or "@inetknght thinks dark thoughts, we need to put them in a
mental cell" which is basically a permanent thing (good luck getting out of a
mental cell). I know there are different kinds of therapists and I have no
idea how to find the "right" kind nor how to find the right _trustworthy_
kind. I have no idea how to find someone I could trust.

A lot of that is part of growing up poor, nearly destitute. So I've had no
direct opportunities to be diagnosed with any sort of mental issues either.
Mental health wasn't covered under my parents' insurance (when we had even
some health insurance), and was never part of any school program (not that I
had much school), and no employer seemed interested in the mental health of
employees. Growing up, I'd heard many anecdotes about people who had a mental
breakdown and were quickly dismissed from employ so I definitely never
mentioned it merely out of fear of "oh is this something we should worry for
you, uniquely? then you're fired". _Literally nobody_ even asked about my
mental health until after I was 30.

I'm willing to admit that I'm _terrified_ of going to a therapist. Terrified
of the therapist thinking I'm a nutcase when all I did is grow up on the
internet with a different set of social values than those around me. Terrified
that one therapist would think my rights need to be taken away. So I bury my
head and don't tackle the problem because there isn't an easy trustworthy
discrete door to go into. There's no way I'd trust any _business_ with my
mental health. Not insurance, not a silicon valley startup, and not my
employer. No way in hell.

I also know that if there's an emergency then I have friends who I trust to
help. They're more than I used to have a few years ago; I used to be depressed
to the edge of suicide. My friends have helped a lot in fixing that. They're
not therapists. They're more support than what others might have, though, and
that means a lot to me.

Tracking mental health? That sounds like a good direction. I'm not opposed to
an app to do that but I wouldn't put that on my phone. Nor would I put it on
my computer. I wouldn't put it anywhere with internet access. Requiring
internet access would be a non-starter.

~~~
eq_sd_
It sounds like therapy would be helpful for you. It's highly unlikely they
will think your "rights need to be taken away" unless they think someone is
going to get physically hurt.

If you can afford it, many therapists accept cash only and in that case, they
don't have to diagnose you with anything since they aren't reporting to
insurance. You also don't need to go to any therapist that isn't right for
you.

~~~
inetknght
Yes, but... is there a listing somewhere which can be looked at discretely for
accredited therapists?

~~~
eq_sd_
Go to a library and use a computer to look at something like:
[https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists)
or Google search "therapists in <City>" or "<disorder> treatment in <City>"

------
derision
Decent

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ta999999171
Fuckin garbage, like most people lately, if studies are to be
believed...genuinely thanks for asking.

------
Porthos9K
I'm slowly dying of America. Thanks for asking, though.

~~~
esemor
Please elaborate. Genuinely curious.

