
How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015) - knrz
http://time.com/3722418/become-someone-people-love-talk/
======
onmobiletemp
I started paying attention to people and discovered a lot of this on my own
over the course of three years. At some point i realized that whenever i
talked to someone their eyes would glaze over and their face would go stony.
Then theyd talk to someone else and their eyes would become focused and their
face alive and animated. Laughter. I figured out this was because they didnt
care about what i was saying or about my opinions. So i tried various things
and looked at their eyes. Sometimes their eyes would become alive again and i
could tell they cared. Slowly you learn what people want to hear. And its so
true about smiling and body language, people feel uncomfortable if you dont
project wellbeing. What you need to understand is that there is no logic in
any of it. Humans are machines and the algorithms that they employ for
attention and emotion are surprisngly uniform and very unintuitive for autists
like me and you. Dont worry about the logic of whats hapenning, just think of
what their algorithm is doing. Its verry dificult because you cant verify what
people are thinking, you cant debug it and you cant start over -- you have to
guess a lot. Overall people want to see big smiles and confident body posture.
If you are slouched over people dont like it. If you stand up straight you
will be amazed at how differently you are percieved. But it all has to be
genuine. If youre trying to manipulate and understand people in a clinical way
you will fail. All you need is a genuine desire to bond with people and the
patience to pay attention to what seems to work and what doesnt.

I should also add that for me, and probably for most people like me, the
process of figurimg out what people like and dont like is also partly a
process of self discovery. Im not the kind of person thats in touch with
himself. Discovering how your words impact other people will also teach you
about how your mind, conciously or otherwise, reacts emotionally to the words
of others. Overall ive been genuinely excited to learn about myself amd others
and use that wisdom to help enjoy the presence of other people. For me its
been a very productive process of growth and discovery. I think framing the
problem of interpersonal relations within that context instead of the cringey,
manipulative context of internet social tips really helped.

~~~
randcraw
Actually, not only do I agree with your main point, but I think I know why
it's a problem. (BTW, it's a problem for me too.) Most people today have the
attention span of gnats. They crave talk in small, light, humor-based doses,
like TV sitcom dialogue.

(And yes, I don't understand what most people want to hear either. Mostly I
think they want others to compliment them, ask them to expound on themselves,
and laugh at inane jokes.)

Your long-ish post implies that you prefer discourse (the antithesis of small
talk). I suspect you'd like to pose an idea and then exchange ideas on it.
While that was popular before the age of TV (much less internet), conversation
on topics that resonate and last for 5+ minutes is unusual today, especially
verbally, and it's likely that few strangers respond well to it. People like
to tell / hear stories about other people, not discuss ideas.

Like you (I suspect) I suffer small talk badly, though in recent years I've
learned to cut back on delivering 'large talk'... hopefully _before_ peoples'
eyes glaze over.

~~~
ksk
What made you believe that this so called 'large talk' was popular before TV?
I feel people were simply more wordy before, not necessarily more expansive in
terms of exchanging ideas.

~~~
dpark
I'm not even sure people were more wordy. TV has been widespread for three
generations now. When people under the age of 80 talk about the time before
TV, they're mostly revealing their imaginations and not any historical
information.

------
xor1
I think the article severely downplays the importance of attractiveness. If
the other party finds you attractive, the bar is lowered to the point of you
simply being normal/average in terms of intelligence, wit, and whatever else
you want to include in your definition of what makes a person "interesting".
You basically need to be a vapid idiot to give anyone a bad impression as an
attractive person.

It's a huge factor. I've started putting some of my big programmer bucks into
improving my appearance before I hit 30, starting with braces (family couldn't
afford them as a kid), eyelid surgery to fix some mild ptosis, and a nose job.
I've also started using sunscreen and moisturizer on my face on a regular
basis.

The past few years have made me realize that your appearance only becomes more
important as you age and progress in a white-collar career -- not less, as I
was led to believe as a child. This is especially disheartening to realize
while working in CA/NYC tech, which have always been billed as one of the most
meritocratic and progressive sectors. Getting into shape only takes you so
far. I consider myself average now, but I want to be hot.

~~~
onmobiletemp
Please stop, you are wrong. Im attractive and people hate me. Have you ever
considered whats its like to be attractive? People are instantly jealous of
you and hate you. And they make sure to lay judgement into you -- if you arent
whip smart they will tear you down just like anyone else. I know ugly, average
looking and good looking people who all do very well with people and in life.
It comes down to your intelligence, not how you look. Please dont mutilate
your face like a south korean teenager. Just like them you will find thay its
not worth it.

~~~
im3w1l
Question for you and xor1. Are you talking about going from a 1 to a 5, from a
5 to an 8 or from an 8 to a 10?

My intuition is that at the deformed end of the spectrum, any improvement is
going to be 99% positive and that it starts to become more of a mixed blessing
as you approach perfection.

~~~
xor1
I don't like using a 10-point system because it's so ambiguous, but I guess
I'm talking about going from 5-8 to 8-10. The way I mentally do rankings is
Ugly - Acceptable - Exceptional, so going from Acceptable to Exceptional.

(For the record, I try very, very hard to treat everyone equally, since the
influence that attractiveness has on human behavior is something that I'm
aware of and think about constantly. Hence this discussion.)

------
tyingq
The best bit of advice in the article:

 _The right question is “How do I get them talking about themselves?“_

I've noticed that even if the only thing you do is ask someone their opinion,
and listen attentively, there is some sort of distortion field effect.

They will often later recall you as knowledgeable, insightful, etc...even
though you never did anything but ask questions.

~~~
rrherr
Yes! My favorite tactic to get people talking about themselves comes from Paul
Ford:

 _Just ask the other person what they do, and right after they tell you, say:
“Wow. That sounds hard.”

Because nearly everyone in the world believes their job to be difficult. I
once went to a party and met a very beautiful woman whose job was to help
celebrities wear Harry Winston jewelry. I could tell that she was disappointed
to be introduced to this rumpled giant in an off-brand shirt, but when I told
her that her job sounded difficult to me she brightened and spoke for 30
straight minutes about sapphires and Jessica Simpson. She kept touching me as
she talked. I forgave her for that. I didn’t reveal a single detail about
myself, including my name. Eventually someone pulled me back into the party.
The celebrity jewelry coordinator smiled and grabbed my hand and said, “I like
you!” She seemed so relieved to have unburdened herself. I counted it as a
great accomplishment. Maybe a hundred times since I’ve said, “wow, that sounds
hard” to a stranger, always to great effect. I stay home with my kids and have
no life left to me, so take this party trick, my gift to you._

[https://medium.com/message/how-to-be-
polite-9bf1e69e888c](https://medium.com/message/how-to-be-polite-9bf1e69e888c)

~~~
tunap
"She kept touching me as she talked. I forgave her for that."

Salesmen/Saleswomen know a pat on the back or a touch on the arm can be very
disarming. When a stranger touches me purposefully I cannot help but
scrutinize the "why?".

~~~
tyingq
Pretty bold of a salesperson to grab your forearm, or other obviously
flirtatious moves though. Might even risk the opposite of the intended effect.

Is that common, or is it usually more subtle, like touching your hand when
passing a pen?

~~~
tunap
A touch on the forearm is what I`ve experienced most from saleswomen, a breast
press on my arm has occurred more than once. Always* during a negotiation when
I was the prospective buyer.

*Excluding social interactions.

------
Kiro
I always try to play the game of "don't say a thing about yourself until
someone asks" and it always works wonders. Everyone loves me since all I do is
ask questions, giving them an opportunity to speak about themselves. It
seriously makes me hate people though since so few actually asks anything
back.

~~~
personlurking
Something happens to me with a certain frequency and I have yet to understand
it. In a social group of people who are just getting to know each other, there
are people I run into who only ask questions, and so I find the constant
question-asking to be a defense mechanism (if that's the right term). That is,
"I don't know how to go about talking to random people but if I just keep the
questions coming, it'll be easier for me."

So there are times when I feel all I've done is talk about myself and it makes
me uncomfortable in the end. The only option open to me in these circumstances
is to force the direction of the conversation on them. When I've just uttered
the last word to the answer of the question they've asked, they ask me a
follow-up before I've taken my next breath, so I'd have to force "enough about
me, what's your experience with ____?" When I run into such a person, I
usually give up and just answer all their questions. It's not that I don't
want to know about them.

Do you find any truth in this or has it ever happened to you, on either end of
the spectrum?

~~~
1123581321
I've experienced this. I think you understand it well enough. It is
uncomfortable because it is a one-sided conversation and when you know that
the person might think they are manipulating you into liking them, it is hard
not to feel exploited.

I'm happy to say that some of the worst offenders in my life have improved
their style over the years and respond to my answers with anecdotes of their
own. They might still think they're getting me to like them but the
conversation is interesting enough that I'm not annoyed by it.

~~~
personlurking
> respond to my answers with anecdotes of their own

That's actually the only saving grace to these situations. Glad you mentioned
it.

------
non_sequitur
I learned a while ago that just asking questions isn't enough - sometimes
people don't want to talk, or are really boring, there's too big a group to
focus on one person, or just constantly interrogating a person gets weird,
etc. So you should have some good stories in your back pocket as well. If you
think about the most popular people you know, they aren't well received in
social settings because they pepper everyone with questions - they're usually
funny, chatty, quick witted, and can either carry or let someone else carry a
conversation. Be like that guy/gal, not the one that can only ask questions.

~~~
snarf21
I think the hardest part is finding the topic that they are interested. Most
people will ramble on about their greatest interest forever. You can't start
with "How's work?" or "Watch anything good on Netflix lately?". You have to
move into something else like "What have you been doing in your free time?"
and then follow up on that. Odds are that they will lead you right to their
greatest interest almost immediately. I think _questions only_ has to be
clarified with positive reinforcement. If they say they like X, your
_question_ needs to validate them too. "I'm not familiar with X but that
sounds really interesting. What is the coolest thing about X to you?"

------
superasn
Oh internet and self-help gurus. Why do you have to be the "best" at
everything and get the most of out stuff.

It's like those things they teach you that before giving a bad review first
start with the good points then add a "but". Sound great in theory but just
absurd when you realize someone is doing it to you on purpose.

You know you can do all this and create great rapport and win the title for
best conversationalist but if this is not your nature you still won't have fun
nor create that connection which you can have by just being you, with all your
flaws, moles and warts. If you're not a total asshole, people like you anyway.

Just imagine if your friends were like this. Trying to be the best
conversationalist they can be with you instead of being the usual silly
dickheads they generally are..

~~~
raphar
>Oh internet and self-help gurus. Why do you have to be the "best" at
everything and get the most of out stuff.

The article's content is ok. But what called my attention was that every
single paragraph links to a source, author or better: an amazon book page. Its
like the index page of a book on the subject!

pd: 15 mbyte & 420 requests to load the page

------
nunez
Skimming through the article, I observed that they missed the most important
step one must do to get better at talking to people:

Practice!

One doesn't learn how to write code without writing code. One also doesn't
learn how to tie their shoes without actually tying shoes. So it follows that
one doesn't learn how to become good at people without talking to people.

You've gotta go out! And I'm not talking about grabbing a drink and staying on
the sidelines or going to that conference and being glued to your Mac the
entire time. You've gotta approach people, and you have to get rejected.

People will walk away. People will ask to be excused. This stuff hurts, but
just like a startup, you treat the mistakes as learnings and try again next
time. It helps _a lot_ to have a buddy that will help you through the process
and give you feedback, since learning on your own (like I did) generally
sucks.

How did I learn how to talk to people? I approached _hundreds_ of women to
start conversations with them during the morning rush and on the street.
nothing deep; usually stuff about food. My dating skills improved slightly,
but my conversation skills went through the roof.

There are other things to keep in mind, too. People care way more appearance
than they let on, so dressing well and staying healthy go a long way to help
you be more. Body language is also something that people look out for without
knowing that they're looking out for it. Fixing posture goes a long way
towards fixing this too.

~~~
rimliu
Please, don't practice on me. Maybe to some it is fine to approach people and
be rejected, but for me it is not ok being interrupted by random strangers.

~~~
nunez
Most people are actually okay with it as long as the intro is good!

------
dkarapetyan
There was that one time I observed a peculiar quality about a certain CEO. No
matter what he was talking about it somehow would always circle back to
talking about whatever company he was currently at and the conversation would
always end with a joke and hearty laugh for all involved. This happened
consistently enough that I thought it was a pre-determined act on his part.

Once I realized he was always practicing I kinda stopped talking to the guy
because there was never any genuine interaction. He was always on the job and
he was always practicing selling. Every conversation was just another
opportunity for him to practice his messaging. I dubbed this mode of
interacting and talking ceoesque.

~~~
dilemma
Yeah... who wants to talk to someone who's always trying to close you?

This is the problem and the danger with how to make friends and influence
people. People will see through you.

------
jokoon
I started relationships at the age of 24, I was really impressed how easy it
was for me. I always thought I was some kind of nerd loser, which I still feel
I am.

During all my life my method was always to slowly ask personal questions and
"open up" people, let them talk about themselves, their job and skills.

What people love is to let them talk about their problems, without criticizing
them about it. I think I learned that from therapy. Once you do that, people
are hooked and it's a pretty good way to learn about them. It's not
manipulative as long as you don't exploit it against them or for your
interest, which is really evil (and they will notice it very quickly).

Then of course, you should always open up yourself if the person opened up to
you, and that can be difficult, generally you should talk about yourself
without necessarily waiting for the other person to ask.

I always felt those things were kind of manipulative, but I asked and it seems
they're not.

------
vinceguidry
Everything about this is highly contextual and varies across cultures. Smiling
in some situations makes you look powerful, in many others it makes you look
weak. Being very animated can make you look carefree in some situations and
just wild in others.

The more time I spend in cultures that I didn't grow up in, the more convinced
I become that there just aren't any universalities in this direction. Any
attempt to do so is to try to generalize over all human behavior and the
effort will either be wrong, being that there will be some cultures or
situations where the rule doesn't hold, or it'll be useless, essentially
telling you what you already know.

~~~
shiz
I'd like to know the culture where smiling is seen differently. It is the
global symbol of happiness and tells everybody on earth "i'm a friend" or at
least "i'm friendly".

~~~
Broken_Hippo
There are a lot of examples of the differing meaning of a smile when you
google it. Sometimes it is simply not appropriate to smile. I'm not sure if
there are any culture that sees them as entirely evil, but a few do have a
concept of an evil grin, a concept that sits alongside the smiles being
friendly. It doesn't seem to be a stretch that a mistimed smile might make you
look like a loon and other such differing beliefs.

[https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2016/05/culture-...](https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2016/05/culture-
and-smiling/483827/) [https://blog.allpsych.com/smiling-means-different-
things-in-...](https://blog.allpsych.com/smiling-means-different-things-in-
different-cultures/) [https://www.translatemedia.com/us/blog-us/the-meaning-
of-a-s...](https://www.translatemedia.com/us/blog-us/the-meaning-of-a-smile-
in-different-cultures/)

~~~
shiz
Of course, when someone tells you his mother died and you smile like an idiot,
it surely will not create a positive effect.

The way I understood OP, it seemed as if - in a normal setting - smiling would
be frowned upon when talking to people in general in some places... which I
find hard to believe.

------
kovek
À lot of the discussions here remind me of the book How to Win Friends and
Influence People. I recommend it. It's a short and easy read, since there are
no technical terms. It's a lot of good examples that show what works and what
does not in communicating with others.

Also, check out the list of advice from this book that is probably online
somewhere. I think it's important to read the examples in the book to
understand the list.

------
brownbat
> How can you strategically make a good impression? From the outset, frame the
> conversation with a few well-rehearsed sentences regarding how you want to
> be perceived.

Klosterman comes to the same realization in Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa-Puffs,
though from an unlikely angle--the dawn of reality television.

On The Real World, producers had no time to explain anyone's personality in
depth, so they boiled each housemate down to a simple stereotype and
selectively edited to play up that caricature. On the one hand, it was a trick
of production that was massively distorting and harmful to several (most?) of
the housemates.

On the other hand, we're all just like the producers when recalling our own
interactions.

Like a 20-minute episode, there's just too much ground to cover to get a
perfect reproduction of any person's life in a first meeting. A short working
draft is the best anyone can hope for. If you help people form that, you can
nudge it in a positive direction while also making yourself more memorable.

------
mythrwy
In some ways being a person people love to talk to is a burden. It takes time.
Sometimes it's worth it. Quite often (and this sounds cold but it's true) it
isn't.

Other people do make life good though and it's certainly a valuable skill.
Just, it comes at a price.

------
AndrewOMartin
I've been the recipient of active listening on more than one occasion and it's
made me want to tear that persons lungs out through their mouth. It feels like
you're the victim of a corrupt bureaucrat's evil stalling tactic.

~~~
meesterdude
Then they're doing it wrong - which is not uncommon. When I learned about
active listening, there where a number of adults i remembered growing up who
actively listened, and they were the most engaging people.

~~~
AndrewOMartin
It sounds like you're saying then they're doing it wrong - which is not
uncommon. When you learned about active listening, there where a number of
adults you remembered growing up who actively listened, and they were the most
engaging people.

------
hoodoof
I know a small number of very charismatic people. It seems to just be a
natural function of who they are.

I have always wondered if there was a way to "become charismatic".

~~~
CuriouslyC
You can definitely learn charisma. I wouldn't call myself a smooth talker (I'm
way too frank), but I've got a presence that people respond to. More
importantly, 20 years ago I was basically a shut in with crippling social
anxiety.

I've found that the big key is getting your mind in order. You can work
forever on what to say, but if your head isn't right it won't work. On the
other hand, someone who is totally centered can say the most random things and
people will still like them. Old buddhist monks demonstrate this beautifully.

~~~
copperx
Do you mind expounding on "getting your mind in order"?

~~~
CuriouslyC
That is going to be a different for everyone. For me, it involved
systematically examining my beliefs and feelings, and discarding the ones that
didn't serve me. Additionally, I've found that there is a certain flow to
life; you can struggle against it, get carried away by it, or harness it.
Accepting the way things are and learning to surf the currents rather than
raging against them helped a lot.

If you want a shortcut, in terms of interpersonal skills the two highest
impact changes for me have been:

1\. Derive your personal value entirely from within 2\. Develop compassion for
other people

If you nail these two changes, you will be attractive. You might not be
"persuasive" like a salesman, but that is a specialized skill-set that needs
to be developed on its own.

------
bitL
Am I the only person that feels "hacking other people" for my own benefit is
wrong?

~~~
Baeocystin
It's not a hack. It's SYN/ACK.

~~~
pwdisswordfish
You know you're in a place for nerds when you see social interaction being
explained in terms of TCP/IP instead of the other way around.

------
YCode
Somewhat related...

Dale Carnegie, this article, et. al describe various methods to be liked,
listened to, etc. that all basically revolve around the idea that you should
make the conversation about them and their needs. Even smiling is a small step
away from outright saying you like them and are willing to listen.

One thing I've found though is that this can be mentally exhausting. It starts
to feel like the people around you are starving for attention and suddenly
they've found an oasis of it.

But over even a short time the entropy of being on the giving end of nearly
every interaction with someone creates a sort of mental energy vacuum.

Certainly I can't be the only one who has experienced this -- how do you
maintain your energy or sense of self when you are consistently trying to meet
other people's needs?

~~~
jogjayr
> how do you maintain your energy or sense of self when you are consistently
> trying to meet other people's needs?

Some people thrive off interactions like this, I think. If that's not you (and
I count myself in that category also) then I think the "best" compromise might
be to turn it on only when and where it matters (even though that sounds awful
and self-serving). That probably means with valued friends and close family,
and people you're trying to impress for some reason (personal or
professional).

------
virtualritz
Is it just me or is this just a hidden advertisement for the book "It's Not
All About "Me": The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone"
by Robin Dreke [1]?

The book is mentioned (and linked) several times in the article and in
articles the article itself cites as sources (and links to).

[1][https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0060YIBLK](https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0060YIBLK)

------
hamandcheese
"Ask people questions since people love talking about themselves" is common
conversational advice I hear.

In general I agree, but it's a bit disheartening when you realize that many
people are so happy to talk about themselves that they never bother to ask you
about yourself.

------
EagleVega
I feel like this article is outlining how to fake a lot of things... It
emphasizes rote lines. It feels shallow. However, I think it hints at what it
takes to be a good conversationalist: a deep and genuine interest in people.
That coupled with a broad knowledge allows you to find what someone is
interested in and learn from their perspective while adding some to theirs.
This is the core of solid communication and conversation.

------
nommm-nommm
>Suspend your ego. Avoid correcting people

This is actually an important thing to do and difficult for many of us
"hacker" types that think more analytically.

------
VeronicaHadley
This one is the best from my recent readings. Communication is one of the
important aspect of every soul prevailing on earth and we / humans are special
one. Now from the business standpoint, it is always better to have good
communicator who can negotiate with properly. I just want to add my words at
the 'Silence' section; my viewpoints say, silence can be better than words
sometimes.

------
jackskell
As an introvert and someone who cares about my privacy and doesn't like to
reveal personal details, I find it easier to simply keep the conversational
ball in the other person's court.

This seems to equal being a good listener.

The trick is to learn to close the conversation when you are done with it, and
avoid useless prattle from the other person.

