
Ask HN: I received a great offer, but am unsure about relocating - relo_worries
I recently received a compelling offer from a major company out in SV. Career wise, this is my dream job, or at least it seems that way. Now that I have the offer, I am having some major second thoughts about relocating out to the Valley.<p>Part of it is fear of the unknown and stress of relocation(even though the company will cover all relo). Another, more critical part is that my girlfriend (mostly) does not want to uproot and move either. We had been planning on moving in together prior to this offer, but now everything has been turned upside down. We&#x27;ve talked over it pretty extensively, and as it stands now she really does not want to go, and while I have my concerns, I lean towards taking the plunge.<p>My fear is that I may need to choose between a great offer or the girl I am likely going to propose to. So I ask HN: those who have had a similar decision to make, what did you do? How did it turn out? If you ended up declining, how did you go about it and how did it turn out?<p>I&#x27;m not really looking for advice on what I should do (I am aware that it&#x27;s my decision), but more on how you came to your decision, your thought process, etc. I know I should be excited to have a great offer, but the stress of the relocation decision is quickly turning this into the toughest decision I&#x27;ve faced.
======
brad0
I'm going to go against most advice here. Go for the job.

I've been in your position. I moved to the USA from Australia to work my dream
job. While there I met the girl I thought I was going to spend the rest of my
life with. She decided to move to the UK. I dropped everything to follow her.

I lived in a city that I did not find interesting.

I worked a job just for the money (you can imagine how quickly I burnt out).

I was surrounded by people every day that I couldn't connect with.

Over a year later and now I'm finally getting back to what I want to do with
my life. We're not on this earth for long mate, make the most of your time.

~~~
hijinks
I agree 100%. Don't run your life around a girl. If something happens and you
split you will regret that choice the rest of your life.

Go live the life you want and she might follow you.

------
eberkund
If you were able to land that job you will have no problem landing other ones.
Software engineers are one of the hottest professions right now and jobs are
both high paying and plentiful. Jobs in SV probably pay the highest but if you
aren't willing to relocate you may have to be willing to take a __slightly
__lower salary. That being said, no matter where you live you should be able
to find a job that pays well relative to the cost of living. Moving could
damage or even end your relationship so maybe it is best to take a job closer
to your girlfriend at least for now well you are still figuring out what you
want. In a few years should you change your mind there will be plenty of SV
jobs still there waiting for you.

~~~
relo_worries
Thanks - that's largely been my thought process as well as I think things
over. I just want to make sure that if I do pass, I maintain a good
relationship with the company to keep future opportunities open. I've never
actually declined an offer before, so it's all new territory for me.

~~~
jon-wood
Any company worth working for isn't going to take it personally that you've
declined their offer, especially if its for reasons mostly unrelated to the
company themselves. I've even resigned from jobs with a company and then gone
back to work for them later when circumstances changed with no hard feelings.

------
Mz
_My fear is that I may need to choose between a great offer or the girl I am
likely going to propose to._

I'm a woman. There is no way in hell I would move to follow a boyfriend to a
new city. But, I did follow my _husband 's_ military career all over the
world.

Have you considered proposing? Tell her you want to take the offer and you
want her to go with you, as your wife. See if that resolves it.

~~~
relo_worries
I have considered proposing. Was even planning on setting up a surprise once
we moved in. Then this offer across the country came up and turned everything
upside down.

I'd still do it in a heartbeat, but don't want her to think I'm proposing just
to lure her across the country

~~~
Mz
Then you should tell her _exactly_ what you said to me here and see where the
conversation goes after that. But, do give her a bit of time to digest it
before you expect productive discussion. Maybe let her know the above, suggest
she think it over for a day or two and get back to you.

------
nostromo123
The decision is based on what's most important to you. I know it sounds like a
platitude, but it is what it is.

My boyfriend came from country A to country B to move in with me, at some
considerable professional cost to himself (left PhD track in hot field with,
admittedly, kind of useless supervisor, for boring cookie cutter "research" in
my institute). We are not the youngest (mid-30s, early 40s), and we wanted to
see if living together would make us or break us, after several years of long
distance relationship. It was a risk, obviously more so for him than for me.

Four years later, I followed him back to country A, for a (not very big) cut
in both our salaries, but more interesting jobs for both of us. He got a job
offer, then I searched and found something for myself, too.

We are identifying quite a lot with our field / jobs, but the main decision
driver was "us". For instance, I would have followed him back to country A no
matter what, and he, in turn, wouldn't have taken the job offer in A had I
also not found a job.

------
psyc
I can't really explain how I arrived at this, without telling too much life
story. I can only say that several painful mistakes eventually taught me not
to prioritize anything over a genuine relationship. Jobs are cheap. Love is
dear.

~~~
brad0
That's interesting. I've come to the opposite conclusion.

I'm curious about your story, care to share it?

~~~
gamechangr
I'm not the OP or the person who made this comment, but I totally agree with
his sentiment.

There is more that goes into it than this, but I want to focus on two main
factors that really define your choices.

1) Your previous relational success/failure. If you struggle, we tend lean
back into things we are good at = job. Just because it's natural, doesn't mean
its right.

2) your current age (you become more self aware over time). I can speak
personally that 23 year old me would take the job, but 33 year old me would go
for the girl. There are soooo many good jobs. Finding someone you want to live
with is much more rare...depending on the person ...extremely rate.

Regret over relationships sucks... most the time it's gone forever. Regret
over job ...just quit.

~~~
relo_worries
Age is a great point. I'm 30. I think back on previous relationships and it
sounds like an easy decision to take the job. This relationship, with this
girl, not so much.

My dream scenario is i keep the job and the girl, so I need to find a way to
make that happen

------
cm2012
Stick with the girl. Use the offer in negotiations for a better local job.
Love is way more important than career as long as you're not poor.

I chose the girl (dropped out of college and started working in my career at a
low level to afford housing together) and ended up making waay more money in
the long run thanks to her help.

------
thiagooffm
If the girl is gonna leave you for that reason or is this simple things gonna
hurt your relationship, I'm sorry to say you this, but perhaps it's not the
right kind of girl for you.

From what I see, it's something that you want, and in the end, it's a job,
something which enables you to pay your bills and be an adult, something you
depend on.

So, I would just do it. When I've got an offer to move to Germany and wanted
to go there, my partner just did with me, even though she had to struggle a
bit with the language to then find a job, she did it, now she's happy about
it, just as she was we came here. And in the end, this can also go away, and
you'll be stuck with your old town, no girlfriend and your poor choice.

If you don't do it and stay with her there and do what was your plans before,
it's very likely that this will become a subject when you fight and this could
be even worse, you would feel that this specific decision as dragged you down
future-wise in life, getting you to blame her perhaps forever.

I know this can look individualistic. But seriously, there's special people
everywhere, you could move in and find a new love, I don't know. I feel that
if you are made for each other, you would like to be part of the plan of one
another, or to respect and do the best to support the interest of your
partner, as for instance, when you are married, you indeed got a contract
which in case you get divorced, you get 50%, so even in economical terms it
would be great to take decision to go wherever pays best for the couple. If my
wife would get a good job and I could just stay at home and keep things tidy
until I would also find one, I would definitely do it, why not? :-)

my 2 cents.

~~~
relo_worries
When you were moving to Germany, how much did your partner not want to go as
well? Did it take a lot of convincing? How did you structure your discussions?

Thanks for your input though. Helpful to know others out there have been in
similar situations.

~~~
thiagooffm
I asked her, she told me: WHAT? LETS GO! She was more happy than me about what
we've accomplished. The deal is that, this shouldn't be taken as your own
accomplishment, but more of the couple, as it's life changing. Of course,
relationships are different and so are people, so perhaps you aren't that
close to her and vice-versa, and it's something that work for you both.

------
nodelessness
I would go for the job.

Hate to assume too much about your cultural background but my thinking is:
unless there is a concrete commitment between you and your SO in the form of
marriage, you should not be tied down to your current location no matter how
good of a person they are and how well they treat you etc. when something like
this comes up.

I have relocated to different cities during my career - 3 times to be exact. I
have recently relocated to a new country in a another continent. You're right
there is some amount of churn and stress involved in the process of the
change. But that is only for the first 3-4 months after which you settle into
a level of comfort.

However, every time I made the move I have looked back and felt that making
the move, enduring the stress of change, was totally worth in the end in terms
of the vast improvements in opportunities, personal development, financial
gains and the many many new avenues that opens up and the new people that I
met were totally worth the short term 'pain'.

~~~
stbtrax
That's a pretty conservative view on relationships. There is a whole spectrum
of commitment that doesn't involve getting imaginary figures or the government
involved.

~~~
nodelessness
I agree that you don't have to get imaginary beings involved.

However, I disagree that a vague verbal or non-verbal understanding is
sufficient to make one's commitment to the other concrete. It is not enough to
inspire confidence in anyone. If your commitment is really that concrete and
real what is keeping you from registering it with the government? It shouldn't
really bother you - a mere formality. From making it widely known to everyone
around you that yes, you are committed to me. Surely if I mean that much to
you, and you are as committed as you say you are, this shouldn't be a problem.

------
uptownfunk
It's a complicated predicament. Who's the primary earner? Have you tried
proposing something like, let's try it for a few months and if it doesn't work
out we can move back? That way the move doesn't feel so permanent and will
give her time to enjoy the Bay Area.

It sounds like you're young, treat the relocation as a temporary thing. If
it's a company that's going to make your resume then I look at it as a one to
two year commitment and then you can do whatever you want. I would say try and
also spin the travel, explore new areas, be adventurous kind of lifestyle,
home will always be there, and since you don't yet have kids I would travel
explore and enjoy the heck out of whatever time you've got left.

~~~
relo_worries
I'd be the primary earner initially, but she works in tech as well so
shouldn't have problem finding work.

Definitely will be using temporary/exploration angle in my sales pitch to her
:)

------
jklein11
I'm not in your shoes, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

The biggest red flag to me is this quote:

>My fear is that I may need to choose between a great offer or the girl I am
likely going to propose to.

This seems like an unfair ultimatum for her to give you. Maybe the reason why
she is putting on the breaks isn't about the relocation. Its possible she
doesn't share the same vision of the future as you.

At the end of the day there are plenty of fish in the sea, both in terms of
jobs and significant others so do what feels right and don't look back.

------
bdowling
Who do you want to be: (a) the guy who moves across the country to advance his
career (to take his "dream job"), or (b) the guy who lets the opportunity pass
by to stay near a girl who isn't substantially committed (i.e., not married or
engaged) to him?

I do think there's room for a third option where you take the job and get the
girl, but you will need to figure out if you are actually going to propose to
her or if you are just "likely going to propose".

------
cjbprime
Reassuring (and a little surprising) to see the comments here mostly against
relocating, which is my take too. Jobs in SV can turn out to suck in
unanticipated ways veeery quickly. Regret over relationships is always greater
than regret over jobs, in my experience.

------
leesec
Just an opinion but, jobs are jobs, and relationships are really whats most
important in life. Don't leave this human you care about for the potential of
something better career wise.

------
werbergerber
I was faced with this same decision. SO didn’t come with me and I was broken
up about it until we reconciled and she eventually joined me (at significant
financial cost to me). It was a worthwhile life experience but we ultimately
moved back to our original home and are both much happier. In retrospect I
can’t say I made the wrong choice but it was rough for a bit there for me
personally

ETA the housing situation is bad enough in SV that I definitely wouldn’t do it
again

------
aey
It’s probably not your dream job, but SV is a unique place filled with
dreamers. It’s hard to replicate the experience anywhere else.

------
codesternews
I suggest go with flow. You are not yet seriously(wife, engaged or not
prposed) committed in relationship.

I would say take the job as it will help you long run. Relationships are very
uncertain and you do not know what this girl wants.

Take the job and tell the girl about your plans and go with flow.

------
reureu
I've been on both sides of this situation.

My ex unexpectedly landed his dream job at one of the big tech companies. We
had been together for around a year, and were looking at buying a house
together. Using the "L" word, met the parents, were chatting about getting
married and how we might have kids (being gay means that requires more
planning). He doesn't have a college education, but was really good at what he
does, so it was kind of a no brainer that he'd take that job. I had no
interest in moving to the Bay Area. I loved where I was living, and that's
where my family and close friends are. We ended up breaking up as a results
and aren't on good terms (he left without saying goodbye and I, uh, handled it
less than professionally). [as an aside: while I don't necessarily think there
were problems in our relationship, I do acknowledge that it's possible that he
wanted an easy out of the relationship which this job provided for him]

Flash forward a few years, and I'm dating another guy. We've been together for
about 6 months when I win a couple of coding challenges and get some offers
for jobs in the Bay Area. Until that point, I had been on this 12-18 month
cadence of looking for new jobs. Existing jobs weren't really giving raises,
and the work wasn't super interesting... I was basically a glorified report
writer for large companies. So, I decided to make the jump, and ended up first
in a health tech incubator, and later at a well known health tech company. My
bf has no interest in moving to the Bay Area, but he comes out and visits
every few months, and I go back home about once a month to see him and hang
out with friends and family.

There's no winning on either side. For me, it was clear that the kind of work
that I want to do is in the Bay Area. There's definitely a more "let's build
it" or "let's solve these problems" attitude, instead of "we just need a paper
pusher" kind of attitude. I like being able to wear hoodies to work and not
being looked down upon. I like being able to go to meetups and see the folks
who build software that I use. I think it's pretty cool to grab lunch with
colleagues at google or apple. Beyond work, I've grown to love hiking. I like
that there aren't mosquitoes really here. The climate is right for me. There's
a pretty long list of things that I like.

I think I was an idiot to not follow my ex out to California. I was so sure
about the direction of my life at the time that I couldn't really see any
other alternative. And it was really stupid that I just came out here a few
years later anyway. I think my bf is an idiot for not following me out here
now. But, honestly, we've made long distance work for the most part.

My unsolicited advice is that relationships are incredibly important, but so
is living your life. Work is such a large part of your day, and you probably
want to feel challenged and interested in what you're doing. Personally, I
can't picture myself working at _any_ job back home at this point. That'll
probably change, but until then, unless my bf plans on fully supporting me
financially, this is where I need to be. So, if that's similar to how you feel
about work, then you should take the offer. Hopefully your gf won't be an
idiot like I was.

~~~
gamechangr
"My unsolicited advice"

Actually - it's the opposite. It's super solicited :) .....(and it appears
super relevant as well)

------
cweagans
SV isn't worth it. There are other jobs.

I guess it really depends on whether or not you're actually gonna propose to
the girl or not though. Decide that and then your job decision becomes easier.

------
othersideofcoin
You will grow the most if you choose the more difficult path. Second, it is
worth growing a lot while you are young; this process is more painful in your
30s.

~~~
amorphid
I do not agree. Just because something is hard does not mean it is worth
doing. There are lots of things one can do that are hard, and most of them
probably aren't worth doing.

------
acty1
I'm going to say something that may not go well with others here and may be
repulsive at first. Hear me out though.

There are 2 issues here and they are separate.

Issue #1. Is it worth relocating to SV for your "dream job"?

A few things to note are:

\- There are no "dream" jobs. That's a myth. You are building someone elses
vision and domesticating yourself further.

\- What will your net worth become after 1, 2, and 3 years after this job
relative to current opportunities of where you are at now. Will you actually
get ahead and achieve your Real dreams and life purpose, or merely toil away
in a land far from loved ones and spend precious years somewhere you do not
want to be.

\- Why do you have to move? That says something about how needy the employer
is. They probably have games, "free" food, and noisy open offices.

Issue #2. Fear of the loss of love(r)

\- Are you genuinely happy and secure in your relationship? If you were going
to propose. You would have done so already and not weigh different options.
Men are decisive and when they are not, it is because their intuition ia
telling them something.

\- If she would not move with you. Would you move if she "got her dream job
offer". How would that play out a) she took it or b) she didn't take it and
"stayed" with you. Reflecting on this question will reveal something to you
about the quality of your relationship, as well as the power dynamic and is
useful analysis.

\- Do her goals and yours line up? Moving in together is Common Law marriage.
Look up the stats on how many women get pregnant in such situations after X
months. Apply an estimate for when you will have your first child (if she
wants kids and you both can biologically have them). Decide if you really want
this and are ok with the probability.

\- Are any underhanded tactics such as "if you loved me, you would stay" being
used or mentioned? If anything resembles this uncomfortable line of
questioning, then it's time to take a hard look at whether it is the right
thing to continue being together.

Hope this gives something to think about and meaningful insights as a result.

There are 6 big fears that a person can have. And I suspect a couple are at
play and hindering decisive action.

Also, I'm going to be hard on you with the passive language:

"I recently received a compelling offer..."

So you mean that an offer landed on your lap from the heavens, with no
volition or involvement from yourself?

Or did you mean that you DELIBERATELY sought out a killer opportunity and
nailed it?

If it fell from the heavens, then it wouldn't be a discussion point. I am
suspecting it is the latter. Your behaviour and choices are telling you
something. Do not second guess yourself and do not let the fear of the loss of
love get in the way of your happiness. She is your girlfriend. Not your wife.
Not the mother of your children. Not your sister. Not your mother.

------
shostack
I've been there.

I'm a marketer, and back when I was fairly junior in my career and working at
ad agencies, the small agency I was at hit some rough times. I was let go, but
they gave me two weeks notice and within that time I secured three other
offers.

One of the offers was in Troy, MI at a very reputable agency on a big auto
account. Somehow I had convinced them that I was at a Director level when I
was like three years out of school, but it was the beginning days of digital
media, and I knew more than most so was able to really sell myself.

Anyway, so the role would require I move from where I lived in Chicago at the
time to somewhere near Troy. I had just started dating a wonderful woman and
was incredibly torn. Do I go for an early career boost to salary and comp and
end what seemed like the most promising relationship I'd been in at that point
in my life (since she would not have relocated at that point in our
relationship)? Or do I stay local and take less pay than the other opportunity
(still a nice bump over what I had been at) and stay with her.

In the end I turned down that offer in MI to take the Chicago offer. As luck
would have it, the auto account I was going to work on (Chrysler) went
bankrupt two weeks later.

I got awesome experience at the agency I chose, and realized I would have been
WAY out of my depth at the place in MI given my actual experience, and would
probably have been setup for failure.

Shortly after, she and I moved in together. A few years and jobs later, I
ended up marrying her and back in 2013 we both moved for work again (well,
mostly because I was sick of Chicago winters) to the Bay Area where we've been
ever since. While things are insanely expensive here, I love the weather and
lifestyle I have here that I could never have in Chicago.

Here's the thing...soul mates are a bit harder to find than jobs, especially
when you are in an in-demand field and are fending off recruiters with a
stick. If you can get a job offer at your dream company, you can get a job
offer at a slightly less dreamy company and make things work on the
relationship side. Or your relationship might implode and you might be stuck
regretting not making the jump. It worked out for me and I have zero regrets,
but that's survivor bias.

Other options might include seeing if they'll let you work remotely or seeing
if she'll agree to move temporarily and reassess at a given point.

I'm not clear how senior you are in your field, but relocation can be a bumpy
ride depending on how much support you would have from them. Relocating while
moving in together for the first time adds major stress and bumpiness. If you
feel this could be the one, you should do everything you can to stay with them
and make things work. If you are not sure or have doubts, you might need to do
some real soul searching.

~~~
relo_worries
That's actually one of her big concerns. We were planning on moving in, but
still haven't lived together. Now I'm asking her to quit her job and move
across the country, without a job, to live with me. So I understand where she
is coming from.

It's a tough spot indeed. I've got some time to think it over or sell her on
it. Thanks for replying - this is a super tough spot for me and I appreciate
your input

~~~
brad0
You may have already done this and if so ignore my advice. :)

Get her to sit down with you and have her just say everything on her mind.
Don't interject with solutions or if anything she says is incorrect. Just
listen.

Once she's completely expressed herself then let your brain digest it.

~~~
shostack
This is pretty critical advice. I'm sure many HN users like myself love to
troubleshoot every single thing they can, and that is the first inclination
when someone you care about is talking about their concerns or problems with
something you are proposing.

But the thing is--even if you flat out disagree with what she is saying, she
is not wrong for FEELING a certain way. And trying to interject
troubleshooting basically says "your feelings are inaccurate." That tends to
not go over well.

When contemplating major life events (and this would be three: moving in with
someone new, moving across the country away from friends and family, and
quitting a new job while needing to hunt for a new one), thoughts and emotions
are often irrational and that's ok.

But if its one thing I've learned, its that feelings are always valid and
simply listening to them to understand their perspective is way more useful
than trying to stomp all over it and try to convert them to yours (at least
initially).

------
jstewartmobile
The US of A has clearly expressed its preference for the banana-republic
template of gleaming high-rise condos next to impoverished shanty towns. Pick
the high-rise.

SV will only disfigure your soul. The rest of the country will probably take
your body along for the ride.

PS> If you come to feel that a lot of what SV does is "dirty", there's nothing
stopping you socking-away those big paychecks and doing something righteous
with them later.

