
I'm a shut-in. This is my story - lastbookworm
http://fighttheurgetofade.com/
======
RyanZAG
I think you're wrong on one point: you constantly repeat how different and
strange you are from everyone else. You're really not. As you mentioned at one
point: you didn't want to go out and play, but the teacher forced you to do
so. This is very common behavior, and teachers are forcing children every day
to go out and play.

Huge amount of people go through similar experiences to yours. Others start to
lapse into an experience like yours and get scared - they go the other way and
try to force social behavior on themselves, often becoming bullies or the kid
you mentioned who hurt himself trying to show off to you.

So my advice (since you're obviously not posting something publicly and
expecting to get away without advice shoved at you) - stop worrying about
'normal'. Stop trying to fit in or not fit in. There are no points to be won
by having social interactions. Social interactions are so you can learn,
experience and enjoy. Approach them like this, and walk away when it's not
working and try again. Everyone is doing the same thing, social interactions
are breaking everywhere, you just don't see it so much from a distance because
people cling to the precious few social interactions which have actually
worked for them.

Since you're trying to put things in terms of programming: if your program
doesn't work/is slow because you're looping over the wrong thing, try again
with a different loop, try a different data structure. You don't need to avoid
'if' loops in the future because they didn't work once. You don't need to keep
trying to use an 'if' loop because its 'normal to use an if loop'. Excuse the
terrible metaphor.

~~~
unconed
I identify with huge portions of this post. And if there's one thing I've
learned over the years, it's that I don't think like most other people.

I don't mean "my ideas are better" or "I have superior reasoning skills". I
mean "the tools that I use to reason about the world are not the same that
most people appear to use".

It's the only logical explanation for the fact that several popular ways in
which humans communicate ideas (e.g. lectures/podcasts or poetry/lyrics) seem
meaningless and like an inefficient use of time to me. I'm a visual thinker,
visual communicator, and I convert all the important ideas in my life into
mental pictures and animations. Mnemonics seem like the most idiotic thing
ever to me, like remembering a person's phone number instead of what they're
like.

Here's another one: I don't have a voice in my head. When I learnt from reddit
discussions that most people experience their inner thoughts as an inner
monologue, I was flabbergasted. If I heard a voice, I would think I was going
insane. To me, thought is a completely parallel process of association, words
are simply not necessary, they only serve to unnecessarily clamp you down into
linear trains of thought early on. For years, I assumed that "learning to
think in another language" was simply a metaphor for a certain level of
proficiency in constructing sentences on the fly. Apparently it's not.

There is a lot more variation in how our brains work than people are generally
aware of. It's certainly not acknowledged in culture or education. I think
this is where a lot of the sentiment of 'not being normal' comes from, and
telling people to stop worrying about it is not productive. It's something
they will continue to be faced with their entire lives, even as all the
'neurotypical' folks insist nothing's different about you and you just need to
get out more.

~~~
RyanZAG
You're trying to paint the picture that everyone else thinks the same way, but
you're completely unique and think your own way. Would it not be more likely
that everyone thinks in their own way, based off of their own experiences?

We all have the same hardware - amazingly complex/simple neural links. We all
have different inputs, which means we all think differently. This isn't the
important part - the important part is that you can communicate with other
people and learn from them - from their different ways of thinking.

So I agree, I never said you were normal. I never said I was normal either, or
that anybody else was normal. The idea of normal is something you're forcing
on the world. Others are trying to force their own idea of normal on the world
too, and yet others are trying to change themselves to match someone's idea.

Throw that idea away and live your own life.

Also, there is a lot of acknowledgment and research in education into the
different ways different people learn and how to identify and teach different
people. Unfortunately, it's a wicked problem.
<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wicked_problem>

~~~
nitrogen
_You're trying to paint the picture that everyone else thinks the same way,
but you're completely unique and think your own way. Would it not be more
likely that everyone thinks in their own way, based off of their own
experiences?_

It seems quite believable that there is a multidimensional Gaussian
distribution of thinking styles, and people at the edge of one or more
dimensions can legitimately say that they don't think like most others.

------
tsunamifury
I am a person who loves being social but gets in shut-in cycles. I once took 4
months and backpacked in the woods of Canada in an extreme cycle.

Several points bothered me in this story, as it was a combination of honest
observations and immature conclusions.

1) Life takes time, you need to be at peace with being young and not having
all the solutions.

2) The author seems to suffer from observing the image of Silicon Valley
success without actually experiencing it.

Most people fail, most projects go unfinished, most beyond that never make
enough money to sustain a company.

A successful product is the evolutionary result of 10,000 products before it
that failed, went unfinished, or were unprofitable. Even the best of the
Valley didn't sit down, bang out some brilliant code, slap a business strategy
on top, then cash a billion dollar check. They worked long and hard through
repeated failures, with sometimes B and C squad talent, slowly carving away at
the block of ideas until a product appeared. Then after that, they spend
months or years compiling a business strategy and altering the product to
become palatable to enough customers to gain a profit.

It takes a team of imperfect people and a lot of time to make even a passable
product. Even finishing a unprofitable product is an massive achievement in
itself.

It worries me at the end that the author again seems to come to a single
conclusion that he believes will bring both success and happiness. That may
never come, or it may be that the author never makes a lot of money or never
is the best in the field.

This was the most painful part of growing up for me -- accepting that you live
in a sea of talented individuals, and you are in no way, the most talented
among them. You learn to reach out, form a team, and that great things come
from hard work and diligence as much or more so than from natural talent.

~~~
omegant
I completely agree with you. I would only add that even when living in a sea
of talented individuals, most people will keep themselves on known waters. It
takes a lot of effort to go outside of your comfort zone, but once you do, you
gain a huge advantage over more talented people. Because now you feel able to
do things they think are out of reach or simply don´t think of them at all. It
is really being outside a bubble while the other people is inside.

I´ve been feeling this way for this last year since I begun my project.
Probably I will fail, but even then I have am far ahead from I thought I would
be able to be.

~~~
taproot
"Think outside the box"

~~~
omegant
Yep, but think outside the box can be a momentary act. It can bring yOu great
insights. But behaving outside the box for long periods (against your oun
will) is much hardther, but also are the benefits.

------
josscrowcroft
From the comments here I suspect that not many read to the end, and so may
have judged the story before reading these closing words:

 _"Publishing this was hard but it felt like my only option. For years I have
not been living my life, I have been delaying it. Five years ago I paused my
life and now it's time to choose between play or stop. I'm pressing play. The
world pushed me and instead of pushing back I hid, now I'm pushing back. I'm
determined to be myself no matter the consequences.

I know that facing what I am and facing the world is really going to hurt, but
I now know that I can survive it. I know that eventually all pain fades away
and you're left with only scars. I know that no matter how shitty my emotions
tell me things are, that it's not actually that bad. I'll come out the other
side no matter what. I'm going to step once more into the fray, come whatever
may.

[...]

For now, I'm going to;

Get Out.

Live.

Grow.

Change.

Fight The Urge To Fade."_

~~~
argonaut
I thought that the ending actually ruined the essay. It felt like an anomaly,
a self-contradiction. His entire life story is one of how it has always been
impossible to reprogram who he is, and here he is, at the end, declaring how
he's going to "fight the urge to fade," and change himself, trying to change
himself into something that is very clearly antithetical to who he is at every
level of his personality.

------
gverri
I used to be just like you. I spent almost an year without leaving my
apartment. Only going out for food (too hard to find 24/7 delivery in Brazil).

<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Welcome_to_the_N.H.K>. You're probably familiar
with this animated series.

One thing that helped me a lot was doing some Vipassana meditation.
Acknowledging that everything as an end. All the pleasures, all the pain. If
you wait long enough you'll fell better.

Other important point is Nutrition. It makes a WHOLE LOT of difference on your
mental habits. And after some time it will make you a new person.

I suggest you watch the movies "Food Matters" and "Fork over Knives". They're
great movies (with some flaws) that can be a kind of "wake up call".

As someone that was on the same boat I wish you all the peace and happiness in
the world.

------
javajosh
Hey Ken, I see a deep internal contradiction in your belief system, and I want
to point it out to you in the hopes that you can lead a happier, more
fulfilled life. What is that contradiction?

    
    
       I want to be alone
       I want to make money
    

This does not compute. Creating things for money is a fundamentally social
act. And indeed, the stuff of your life was all produced by others, from the
house you live in to the clothes you wear to the food you eat. It was all
build, manufactured, grown, distributed and sold by others. By consuming even
these mundane things you've been integrated into society your whole life, even
during these 5 years of isolation.

Now your childhood is over, and you know it is now time for you to create. But
mere creation is not enough to make money. You need to _create things that
people want to buy_. That means solving their problems, addressing their pain.
And _that_ means being social.

And, since money is vital for your very survival, you must be social to some
extent. To rail against this fact is to rail against the need to eat, or to
breath. Society is literally that vital to your existence. The fact that it is
painful for you is bad luck. Just like asthmatics have it pretty hard when
breathing itself can be painful. And just like an asthmatic, you need to
figure out how to manage your condition so that you can breath again.

Don't worry about just "getting back to normal". Something tells me that you
will remain a unique, talented individual even when you start socializing
again.

~~~
randomdata
You, of course, have to be social to some extent with or without an income.
Food isn't going to just magically appear in your fridge.

But beyond short bursts of contact (which can often be automated via computer
systems), I'm not sure I agree with your premise. I work as a software
developer and farmer, and beyond sending an occasional email there is little
need to be in contact with anyone in either profession. The former doesn't
even require me to leave the house, ever.

I don't consider myself anti-social. I still enjoy social events outside of
the workplace. But I see that it could be very easy to essentially disappear,
while still making a decent income. They do not seem to be related concepts at
all.

~~~
javajosh
You are completely right, randomdata: there is a minimum threshold of social
contact required to maintain oneself, and there is no reason to go beyond that
threshold if you don't want to.

My concern for Ken is that his essay describes him as so isolated that he's
well below that threshold, and in danger of self-harm through negligence. I
don't want that to happen.

I would add that, non-trivially, Ken has expressed a desire to "set the world
on fire!" which, in general, has social requirements well above the minimum.
(Indeed, the only way to really impact the world in isolation would be to,
say, take up a science hobby while working for the Swiss patent office.)

------
cupcake-unicorn
Something I find interesting that I don't see immediately mentioned in the
comments is what a "shut-in" or "hermit" really means when you have the
internet. The author has a prolific Twitter account, and in writing this is
interacting with people.

Yes, online interactions are different, but a modern-day "hermit" with access
to the internet can't really be viewed as such.

Also, I may get downvoted for "armchair psychology", but I did notice elements
of what seemed like thought disorder in the post. It's also diagnosed often in
autism spectrum, not just with schizophrenia. I do think diagnoses generally
mean very little, and "personality disorders" generally bother me because it
seems like broadly defined, you could slap that on anyone - which is also the
case with thought disorder. It's not like everyone who goes off on a tangent
is "crazy"! But I've interacted with enough non neuroptypical type people
(myself being one of them) that I did notice a similarity to others.

~~~
intended
Do note that interacting on the net is one thing, dealing with a network of
people such as friends and colleagues at a firm, is an entirely different ball
game.

Unspoken comments, reading between the lines, motivations behind bringing up a
topic, moods, wit, having to respond to aggression immediately, saving face...

Its on a different level.

\----

In the case of HN, personally I feel its more polite not to mention it and see
if someone with real experience echoes the same.

The reason armchair psychology should get downvoted is the same reason idea-
guys get downvoted when they talk about something they don't know much about.

Although I have to admit, I've seen my experience on HN change. Earlier
someone would chime in with real information, now I see similar arm chair
diagnoses (on subjects = all) crop up.

------
Skoofoo
> When you are so different there is no frame of reference to figure life out.

I can relate to this. As I spend time withdrawn from society (including
cybercultures like reddit), my views distance from everyone else's, and it
becomes harder to relate to people.

I appreciate Hacker News because people here tend to be unusually receptive to
independent thought.

------
jawns
"My name would be Kenneth Luke Erickson. I'd be male. I'd like blue. I would
be a Gemini. I would be Christian. They'd chop off some of my penis so I'd
never forget that last one."

There's a common misconception that circumcision, for Christians, is a
religious ritual or a religious requirement.

In fact, it's just the opposite. Many Christian denominations (e.g.
Catholicism) specifically DISALLOW circumcision, if it's done for religious
reasons.

~~~
jmcqk6
>In fact, it's just the opposite. Many Christian denominations (e.g.
Catholicism) specifically DISALLOW circumcision, if it's done for religious
reasons.

On the other hand, many christian denominations (e.g. esp pentecostals)
circumcise precisely for religious reasons.

The simple fact is that while it might not be a religious ritual for some
christians, it is for others christians.

Oh, look at that, christians not being consistent from one type to another.
What a surprise.

~~~
Domenic_S
> Oh, look at that, _people_ not being consistent from one type to another.
> What a surprise.

FTFY.

~~~
jmcqk6
I completely agree with what you're expressing here, but when you belong to an
organization that claims to have a monopoly on meaning and truth in the
universe, a higher level of consistency is not an unreasonable expectation.

~~~
joelmichael
Catholics and Pentecostals are different organizations. Back in the old days
we used to purge non-orthodox views, but that's not as tenable anymore, so we
have thousands of interpretations. In any event, the traditional Christian
view is that circumcision is no longer necessary, as stated by Paul several
times in the New Testament.

~~~
jmcqk6
>the traditional Christian view

There is no such thing as 'the traditional christian view.' There are many
'traditional christian views' and many times they contain mutually exclusive
things. Even in the earliest records of the different churches, there are
arguments and discussions about what is and isn't "christian." There sprung up
groups that mostly agreed on things, and some of those tried to forcefully
make others believe the same things, but they never succeeded.

~~~
joelmichael
The early church had many disagreements, especially over observance of Jewish
law such as circumcision. But the Judaizers (as they are called) essentially
lost the debate, which Paul was active in, and the Church became rather
Gentile-oriented. Many other things were up for dispute as well, such as the
exact nature of Jesus, but these were ultimately ironed out under ecumenical
councils which ratified certain dogmatic truths such as the Trinity. Beginning
with the First Council of Nicaea in 325 AD, convened by Constantine, Rome
sought to define Christianity properly and began to eradicate all heretics,
such as Arianism and Catharism, though some remote groups such as the Copts
evaded them due to being out of their jurisdiction.

Christianity thus maintained relative internal consistency under the Roman
Church, and spread throughout Europe, until around the year 1000 when the
Greek Orthodox split off from the Catholics. However, they still maintain very
similar dogmas (including that circumcision is unnecessary).

Martin Luther did his work in the 16th century which caused a great deal of
schism in the Church; until this time Protestants did not exist. King Henry
VIII abandoned Catholicism and invented Anglicanism. All of these people
nonetheless still believed circumcision was not necessary and it was not
generally practiced in Europe, and many of their liturgical beliefs were much
more aligned with traditional Catholicism than modern evangelicals.

It wasn't until the US, with its enormous variety, lack of traditional
oversight, and radical re-interpretation of the Bible by individuals, that
circumcision regained some religious significance in fringe groups.
Pentecostalism in particular did not start until the 19th century. However,
after looking around, I can't find any evidence that even they universally see
circumcision as a religious requirement for Christians. Some Christians
practice it anyway, but not as a religious requirement. Incidentally, so do
many atheists.

I think it can be said that not only the New Testament but almost the entire
history of Christianity is against circumcision being a religious requirement.
There was disagreement in the early church, and there is disagreement in some
fringe groups today, but it was never a mainstream view.

------
cousin_it
It's sad that when your problems are genuinely different from other people's
problems, _people won't believe you_. They will keep giving you advice that
worked for them.

~~~
deleted_account
I think it's more sad to expect others to divine the solution to your problems
when they have no point of reference; I think it's sad when expressions of
love and concern are rebuffed with a dismissive, "But you don't _understand_."

Of course poor Aunt Sharon doesn't understand. And no, the onus isn't on you
to make her understand. Unless you want her to...in which case, it may take
some effort on your part to frame your emotions to her experience.

Even then you may only meet part way. Which you'll have to accept, but not as
a failure.

~~~
pdonis
_I think it's more sad to expect others to divine the solution to your
problems when they have no point of reference_

I didn't get any sense that the author was expecting others to divine the
solution to his problems; I think he was just irritated because they were
besieging him with "concern" without actually helping any.

 _I think it's sad when expressions of love and concern are rebuffed with a
dismissive, "But you don't understand."_

An expression of love and concern like "Hey, it seems like you're going
through a rough time, I hope things work out for you, let me know if there's
anything I can do to help" is one thing. That should be met with thanks, yes.

An "expression of love and concern" like "I think you should do X" or "Have
you tried Y?" is quite another. It is not really aimed at helping or
comforting the person who is having a rough time; it is aimed at easing the
emotions of the person who thinks they are being comforting. That is the sort
of thing that might (and should) get met with "But you don't understand".

 _Of course poor Aunt Sharon doesn't understand._

Indeed. And therefore she should not presume to tell the person she doesn't
understand how they should "fix" things. The issue isn't really that she
doesn't understand; it's that she doesn't even _know_ that she doesn't
understand.

 _it may take some effort on your part to frame your emotions to her
experience._

This is true, but Aunt Sharon has to be willing to meet you halfway. Many Aunt
Sharons are not.

~~~
deleted_account
_I didn't get any sense that the author was expecting others to divine the
solution to his problems; I think he was just irritated because they were
besieging him with "concern" without actually helping any._

Therein lies the contradiction. You presume the author isn't expecting
solutions and yet he's justifiably irritated because other people aren't
_helping_. I don't think he's justified at all.

So many presumptions about how other people should react and behave:
expressions of love should be like _this_ , auntie should _know_ she doesn't
understand...

 _Aunt Sharon has to be willing to meet you halfway_

No, she doesn't; she needs to hear, "I don't need advice, I need you to
listen."

~~~
pdonis
_he's justifiably irritated because other people aren't helping._

I didn't get the sense that that was the reason for his irritation. I got the
sense that he was irritated because they were bothering him while he was
trying to figure things out for himself, not that he was expecting them to
help and they weren't.

 _No, she doesn't_

She doesn't need to be willing to meet you halfway? Why not? How can someone
possibly help at all (assuming help is what is desired in the first place,
which it may not be--see above) if you have to do all the work?

 _she needs to hear, "I don't need advice, I need you to listen."_

In some cases that may be appropriate, yes. But once again, it seemed to me
like this author wanted to say something more like "Stop bothering me, I don't
need help, I need to be left alone. I can't figure things out with you people
bombarding me all the time."

------
MattGrommes
I was a lot like you and the main thing I took away from your story is not
that you're so different, but that you're _really_ young. I thought almost all
the same things you did about books, being smarter than your peers, being an
alien (for me it was an alien robot). When I was 12 or so I saw a kid on TV
talking about how he intentionally made an inventory of facial expressions and
body language and it literally changed my life to know I could do such a
thing. You're not as different from other people as you think, but you're just
coming out of the age where you think you are (again, I know from experience).

You've made it to the point where you know you have to make a change, which is
awesome. I hope you can also get to the point where you can stop being so
self-conscious about being different and just live your life. Unclench a
little. I'm almost 35 and I'm just now starting to enjoy people in a real way,
having done a program of "Fake it til you make it" for years. You're entering
real adulthood now and you'll make adult friends, you'll move on and get some
perspective on things. Take it from me, it seems like an impossibly long time
now but in 5 years you'll look back on this story in a very different way.

------
Erwin
This reminds me a bit of this first-person piece of autism-related sci-fi:
[http://www.amazon.com/The-Speed-Dark-Elizabeth-
Moon/dp/03454...](http://www.amazon.com/The-Speed-Dark-Elizabeth-
Moon/dp/0345481399)

I used to keep a diary, where 13 years ago my entries were long monologues
similar to this. There was a clear correlation between amount of personal and
emotional human contact I had in a day and the length of the diary entries
where I tried to reminisce going mushroom picking with my grandmother a decade
earlier.

The world today seems too constantly distracting for that sort of thing.

~~~
nickknw
Just curious, which way did the correlation go? Less contact => Longer
entries?

~~~
Erwin
Yes, less personal contact, perhaps a less meaningful job at the time meant
more time brooding over everything due. Now that I do something people depend
on and no longer live alone, I haven't felt the need to reminiscence.

------
deleted_account
"It only takes one crazy dick to cause dicks for generations to be forever
mutilated, The Butterfly Dick Effect."

What am I reading.

~~~
confluence
Poetry.

Circumcision, like other hazing rituals, is simultaneously pointlessly
arbitrary and unnecessarily barbaric.

------
astine
_There is a persistent ignorance about homeschoolers lacking socialization, an
assertion I find laughable. Homeschooling done properly, frees up more time
and increases true socialization. I was involved in sports, chess, and a wide
range of homeschooler organized activities. 90% of the homeschoolers I have
ever encountered were as equally if not more involved in social activities._

I was homeschooled and while it's true that homeschoolers tend to have
cooperatives, and join social clubs, you're still more isolated than children
in more traditional situations. To this day I'm more socially awkward than
most of people I know and I wonder if the homeschooling didn't have something
to do with it.

~~~
strlen
Most personality traits follow a normal distribution: half are more socially
awkward than average, half are less socially awkward than average.

I found it surprising and even counterintuitive, but empirical data suggests
that on _average_ home-schooled students are still better socialized than
students of public schools. Here's one article: it was published in a Catholic
journal, but it seems to be heavily cited by secular social scientists and
sufficient in its methodology (
[http://www.firstthings.com/article/2009/02/001-is-private-
sc...](http://www.firstthings.com/article/2009/02/001-is-private-schooling-
privatizing-36) )

I'd add that there's also more to socialization than not being socially
awkward: someone can be socially awkward, but start a family, be active in
their community, and contribute to society through work, entrepreneurship, or
academic pursuits.

------
undupe
I wish there was a web community for shutins like myself who would like to no
longer be shutins. It's definitely not Grouper - sorry, "ending loneliness"
doesn't mean finding a girlfriend and being judged on your tagged Facebook
photos (as someone who is actually lonely, I have no photos tagged, and I
assume that's why Grouper never admitted me. You have to be unlonely to join
Grouper, in reality.). The only people I've really been able to relate to are
other loners but they're hard to find obviously. My biggest fear, which is
confirmed time and time again, is that my awkwardness and general boringness
scares people off. It'd be nice if I could meet someone who, with fair
certainty, would not be like that to me.

> They form relationships with other people only if they believe they will not
> be rejected. Loss and rejection are so painful that these people will choose
> to be lonely rather than risk trying to connect with others.

<http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000940.htm>

~~~
lastbookworm
I think this would definitely be helpful. Definitely something I will think
about starting. You can really only get a handle on your emotions when you've
someone that understands you and to do that you need to be able to express
yourself without fear of rejection; a group of us would definitely help with
that.

All the resources for the socially isolated tend to be directed at;

1\. Those that are depressed or insane. As I mentioned (albeit in a very
hyperbolic manner) people tend to assume you're depressed and the only help I
have ever been offered was to help cure my non-existent depression. I think
it's because most people cant imagine cutting themselves off from the world.
They'd only do it if they had a serious mental breakdown, so they assume we
must have had one.

or

2\. Autistic people that are severely socially disabled.

I'm neither depressed nor severely social disabled. I imagine most shut-ins
aren't.

The judgment and inaccurate labeling that comes with seeking help severely
deters people like us from seeking it. The very reason I withdrew from society
is because I couldn't take the labeling and social judgment.

I'd encourage you to read up on Hikikomori. Japan has a culture that causes a
great deal more shut-ins than we do and there is a significant body of work on
the phenomenon. Shutting Out the Sun [http://www.amazon.com/Shutting-Out-Sun-
Generation-Departures...](http://www.amazon.com/Shutting-Out-Sun-Generation-
Departures/dp/1400077796) is a pretty good book. There is a good introductory
article here
[http://www.nytimes.com/2006/01/15/magazine/15japanese.html?p...](http://www.nytimes.com/2006/01/15/magazine/15japanese.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0)

Simply reading about others like me was enough to give me the courage to share
with a few online friends and from there I got the courage to publish my
story. There are lots of people like us, you're not alone. Feel free to email
me anytime "k@20252.me". We can chat about whatever.

~~~
VLM
"The very reason I withdrew from society"

It might be insightful to you, that you made a substantial Singular vs Plural
mistake there. There's more than one society / culture, more than one way of
life, more than one mode of socialization... Its a big planet, now go find the
rest of it. Much like your story related numerous different places to
physically live without getting the point there are numerous different
cultures/societies to live in. As a much older dude than you, I found several
(sub)cultures I like and happily socialize in. Lifestyle and culture of the
masses, some parts are OK, some, maybe most, no. Reason, analyze, freely pick
and choose, that is a feature, not a bug. Take reasoning engine, enter
inadequate information, test and get confusing output, assume problem is the
reasoning engine, not so. Its a big planet, there's more out there than just
extroverted dominant media culture or nothingness. How to figure out the right
way to live, that is the true education.

------
yesnomaybe
I'm disturbed by how much of myself I saw in this. Cutting off all contact
with friends in order to work on my project without distraction. During my day
job I space out fantasizing about re-emerging into society as a successful
entrepreneur. And I've picked up an adderall habit to facilitate binge
programming on the weekends.

~~~
OGC
well, good luck with your _amphetamine_ habit.

------
Osmium
I find it interesting that a person who has shunned all outward social
connections, tries to then make a social connection via the internet in
retelling his story to us.

Humans, whether you like it or not, have evolved to be a social species. Even
if one wishes to withdraw, they can only do this in practice with the tacit
permission of the society they live in, at least unless they're prepared to
give up all worldly conveniences and just go live in a cave somewhere. I also
find that interesting, though I'm not sure what to make of it.

~~~
Afforess
I had the same thought. It's a bit of a paradox. If he is living a healthy
asocial lifestyle, there is little chance he would need to externalize his
internal thoughts. So by writing an essay on his healthy asocial lifestyle, he
contradicts himself...

\-------------

Edit: Seems reply below is right, I misread the article. He actually calls out
his lifestyle as specifically "unhealthy".

> _...my unhealthy mental state..._

~~~
pdonis
He didn't say his asocial lifestyle was healthy.

------
xk_id
Programming is supposed to be enjoyable. If you're not enjoying it, why are
you doing it? If you are enjoying it, then what is the problem? There's people
who dedicated their entire lives to Mathematics, for example. They did it
because they had a passion for it. The absolutely extreme case is obviously
Erdos. If you don't have a passion for programming, stop damaging yourself… If
you have a passion for programming, then you're lucky, and you should let the
entire world know that you do.

------
jpxxx
TL;DR: Abuse survivor gets depressed, has untreated foot wounds, descends into
his own echo chamber, navel gazes for fifteen pages.

~~~
lastbookworm
Normally I wouldn't detract from someone's opinion of something I wrote by
responding to summaries. I believe people should be allowed to judge for
themselves whether opinions are accurate and when authors jump in defensively
it's a slipper slope to derailing the conversation. However, your summary is
factually misleading. You imply I was physically abused which I was not.
Hopefully my article doesn't give that impression, I didn't mean to do so. I
don't have foot wounds. They're bible cysts, basically fluid that leak from my
joints into my feet. Here is a quick wikipedia article
<https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ganglion_cyst>. I'll leave it up to others to
judge the rest of your summary.

~~~
jpxxx
I'm going to put this in all caps because you are not paying my day rate: YOU
ARE AN ABUSE SURVIVOR.

Find professional help (NOW) to starting approaching it and dealing with it.

Find professional help (NOW) to help manage your mental disorder (depression)
which carries an enormous and present risk of self-harm.

Get whatever the fuck is wrong with your foot fixed, and start walking out the
door on the regular.

You appear to be bright, talented, and a capable writer. Resume applying those
gifts to the people around you instead of yourself. You are the best person in
your own life, now be the best person in other people's lives.

~~~
thaumaturgy
> _...now be the best person in other people's lives._

...Why?

I've spent most of the last ten years trying to do just that. Do you know what
it has gotten me? Let me tell you what it has gotten me: friends and family
that never call unless they need something; an utterly depleted bank account;
a complete lack of respect or even human regard from my peers; a pile of
strife and struggle and pain and misery and not one single positive thing to
show for it other than impotently small differences in the lives of
sycophants.

No, do _not_ live for others. _Never_ live for others, because nobody will
laud you for it -- in fact, people will find it laughable and openly sneer at
you for it.

He wrote, "In the aftermath of emotional implosion; friends, family,
colleagues and even strangers will metamorph into an invasive species from
planet Concern," and I thought, "pfft, that must be lovely."

Further, I _really_ wish people would stop talking to people with depression
as though they were in boot camp for Turning Their Lives Around. e-shouting
"find professional help!" is a sure sign of someone who has never actually
tried seeking professional help, because here's the thing about a _lot_ of
"professional help": _the professionals really suck_. How do you think someone
feels after sharing their troubles with a cold stranger for an hour, getting
merely a few minutes' advice and another appointment at the end, and then
paying for that? And when that person has tried 2, 3, half-a-dozen
professionals, how do you think they begin to feel then?

Your commandments here strike me as being like an extrovert's advice to an
introvert: "these are my values, and you must live by them! It is unacceptable
for you to not go to parties!"

If a person _wants_ to change, then perhaps you might be of some help to them
-- and then only if you spend more than a minute's effort banging out a
comment on your keyboard. I haven't yet finished reading his screed, but so
far it sounds to me like he is not only not asking for help, he is openly
rejecting it, in which case I doubt anybody else should have much to say about
it.

~~~
jpxxx
I don't appreciate some self-loathing bitch drafting on my thoughts for
misanthropy points.

You know what sucks worse than trying to find competent professional medical
attention in America? Blowing your head off with a gun and leaving your
decomposing meat for someone to find and clean up. Those are the stakes here.

This author wrote a novella about watching his life reduce to nothing, then
wrapped it in a wordpress, threw a vanity domain up, and submitted it to a
hivemind. If it was about the quaint, quirky charms of a minimalist lifestyle
then you special electronic snowflakes could give each other all the handjobs
you want and nobody would mind.

But as this piece documents severe emotional trauma from a childhood marked by
abandonment, drug abuse, emotional abuse, (and probably sexual/physical
violence) it seems to -me- that he needs help, is looking for social oxygen,
and is trying to figure his situation out.

It's not a pretty picture, and the more he rambles about how his sister won't
let him eat ice cream the more confused he's going to be about the issues in
his life and the fundamental plumbing in his head. Don't confuse depression
with a lifestyle choice.

~~~
dromidas
Just because you're a shut in doesn't mean you're depressed. Most people are
incredibly vapid. I don't like interacting with most people because of this
reason. Being a shut in is not as depressing as it seems. Perhaps you are an
extrovert and simply cannot comprehend this.

~~~
jpxxx
"People are generally worthless, unlike me." Check.

~~~
dromidas
That is really what a lot of introverts feel. It's okay if you are
uncomfortable with that. We can recognize our own so in case it was not
obvious that it was a blanket statement, let me just say "it was a blanket
statement".

------
pan69
Thanks for writing your story. I didn't read the whole lot but I can tell
you're a person who could use a friend or someone who can help you.

Would it be a loss for you if you told your story to a professional counselor?
I think you should. It's only a small step to take and there are no
obligations what so ever.

You're a prisoner of your own life and it doesn't have to be like this. You
already took a first step by publishing this story, now take that second step!

------
timwoj
> If you don't like who I am then you can go fuck yourself.

I think this is something that comes with age for almost everyone that
perceives themselves as different. People in their younger years attempt to
change how they are in order to make everyone like them. Later on in life,
they realize that this is pointless and they're better off just being
themselves and shedding the people who can't deal with that.

------
georgeorwell
Hey K-2052 / lastbookworm, good job on coming out of the closet, that's a
difficult step. You obviously want to turn things around, and I think you'll
find that in general, at least a tiny part of the world will be there to
support you if you genuinely want your life to change. It's gonna take some
guts and determination, but it can be done.

Don't pay too much attention to all of the people in this thread criticizing
you or offering advice that doesn't fit. The two worst things about the
internet are that it's simply more difficult to empathize with other people,
and that there are fewer / zero consequences for rudeness.

One thing caught my attention:

> I have never known my Dad. My mom left him when I was four. They were both
> drug users and to escape the drug usage my mom left him. I have only blurry
> memories of him. None of my memories of him are positive.

Having had similar experiences, from my perspective this is the root cause of
your troubles. It's kind of unbelievable how deep the rabbit hole can go in
terms of how this affects your life. I just want you to keep that in mind.

Take care and good luck. You'll figure it out.

------
jetti
It was an interesting read and I saw a lot of myself in there. Instead of
books on science I was reading books on philosophy. My favorites were
Neitzsche, Sarte and Kirkegaard. One thing that definitely struck me about
this though was how much it reminded me of the narration of Holden Caulfield
in Catcher in the Rye, maybe that is why I enjoyed this as much as I did.

------
CanSpice
There's one paragraph that's sticking with me:

> Play keep away with a normal persons hat and you're just taking their hat.
> Play keep away with an Autistic persons hat and it's possible that it's his
> best friend named "Charlie". It's highly unlikely that Charlie enjoys flying
> at highspeeds through the air into greasy hands. You're not playing keep
> away with a hat, you are tossing around and abusing his best friend. It
> takes a damaged monster to play keep away with someone's dog or their
> younger sibling, but most will think nothing of playing keep away with the
> weird kids hat.

My four-year old daughter isn't autistic, but this morning we were running to
her daycare. My wife had her blankie and was out-running my daughter. All of a
sudden my daughter stopped and started bawling, when five seconds earlier she
was loving the chase. I'm thinking that maybe the above paragraph doesn't just
apply to autistic people, it applies to anybody who forms a bond with an
inanimate object.

------
pnathan
People find the idea of people who prefer to live by themselves disturbing. I
mentioned Sylvan Hart recently to some geeks, and cue the deranged bomber
jokes. Really made me sad.

Nothing wrong with introversion, IMO. Lots of people have done it throughout
centuries. It can be harmful, and props to OP for recognizing the problem and
choosing to move forward.

------
metastew
Interesting read, though I just have one minor complaint about your style of
writing... Foot notes after every 3-5 paragraphs is somewhat jarring and
hampers the flow of reading your story. I suggest moving all of the foot notes
to the bottom of the post and let the reader read them if they want to.

Just my $0.02.

~~~
axusgrad
The footnotes wouldn't have made any sense all the way at the end. My favorite
footnotes on a webpage are when you can hover over the superscript, and have
the note floating there. That way, they wouldn't interrupt the reading.

~~~
mhartl
The hover design, while nice, doesn't work well on tablets.

------
digitalengineer
Thanks for an _excellent_ read, K-2052! Loved your story. You should really
start publising! (Oh, you won't be alone after the collapse, I have a cunning
plan as well -wink-wink, nod, nod).

------
jey
I have a logistical question: how/what do you eat?

~~~
k-mcgrady
I presume he orders online. I'm not sure what it's like where you are but here
I order online from the largest supermarkets (Tesco, Asda etc.) and have it
delivered to my door the next day for a £3-5 delivery charge. It's pretty
commonplace.

~~~
cowsaysoink
That isn't commonplace in the US which I assume that is where he is from
considering the whois info.

In fact it would probably be much more expensive here.

The main choices probably are a family member picking up groceries for you, or
a small market which still can deliver groceries, I know mine stopped offering
delivery around 5 years ago because the community size grew so much.

~~~
pizzeys
Though I'm UK-based, not US, I'm a housebound agoraphobic (I don't leave at
all, ever) - you'd be surprised how easy it is logistically in this day and
age, actually. I have family members pick things up that are time critical
(ie. my dumb ass forgot something I'd need) but other than that _everything_
is deliverable from somewhere.

------
easy_rider
I used to shut myself in a lot of time when I was playing poker avidly.
Instead of going to parties, bars, socialize with friends, there were always
tournaments to grind. Putting in more hands meant cutting down on variance,
meant being able to deal better with bad luck and facilitating a more
consistent winning playing style.

Obviously it was the thing I loved at that moment, the riches allured to me
and my friends didn't "Get" the amounts I would be playing for anyway. They
also didn't "get it" why it sucked so hard to end up 11/1500 in a big
tournament. (Hey you still won right?).

You're right when you see relationships don't work when you always have a
communication problem.

Usually though, the problem is not that people don't understand you -
(sidenote: i know there are just stupid people who don't, or don't want to.
You don't need them anyway). The problem is you won't let people understand
you, because you are ignorant, arrogant and self-righteous. No offence but, if
you were such a genius you wouldn't be working on Ruby projects (no pun.)
People probably would understand you, and you would probably have better
socializing experiences if you tried.

Seems you sucked at this stuff when you were a kid, and now when you've grown
up enough to be able to understand yourself and put everything into words, you
still decide its the best route to go.

Well die lonely then if you like it. It's not for me.

------
JohnBooty
I've been struggling with overcommitment for years, too. It's caused a lot of
pain and it's a very serious thing. Like you, it makes me tend toward
isolation and it... well, it hurts.

"Before long I'm committed to a shit ton of things and I am so stressed out
that I cant focus long enough to fake my way through life. Inevitably I
implode and disappoint everyone I had commitments to."

First, there's a ton of positivity in your writing, because you're recognizing
that overcommitment is really bringing you and (even better) you're taking
responsibility for correcting this.

This part concerned me a bit:

"I'm taking all the skills I have learned from learning and applying them to
my psyche. I'm going to re-build and re-form my emotional centers from the
ground up. I'm going to take my unhealthy mental state and refactor it into a
functional vibrant self. I'm re-life-ing"

This is very ambitious!

Not all ambitious goals are a path to overcommitment, but are you being very
careful that this ambitious goal won't wind up being yet another
overcommitment (leading to yet more pain) on your part?

Perhaps you could set up meaningful milestones along the way? For example, you
could count the number of times you stick to a 4-day or 5-day work week each
month. Even if the "reward" is just a big green checkmark on the wall
calendar, that can be really gratifying.

Best wishes!

------
jamesmiller5
I found that the 'Bad habits can become a lifestyle' section to be very well
written and it made a number of great points, notably:

"Life is the series of choices we remember making. When something goes wrong
it's easy to see it is as not a choice. There was too much stress. Your dog
ate it. Your clients were assholes ... I now realize that to fix myself, I'm
going to have to be myself; and to be myself, I'm going to face myself."

------
AlexDanger
Hey K, have you ever considered working with children?

You know, the ones who'd prefer not to play outside with the other kids?

Whilst at uni I worked part time in various capacities as a tutor or
educational assistant. One school in particular was very accommodating to
students with different needs. And not just the kids who couldnt read, but the
kids who wanted to read all day.

I think you'd have something to contribute in that space.

------
bitwize
I like the humorous tone of this essay. It made it resonate all the more
powerfully for me -- who also use humor to deal with painful situations -- but
you're the sort of person about which one of my more gregarious friends might
say "u r soooo fukin funny!" all the while _without understanding_.

------
emilnewton
I say fade. See what happens.

You already know what happens if you don't fade.

You fight every second of every minute of every hour of every day until one
day you die. It'll be exhausting and possibly not worth it.

Maybe fading will be some totally cool experience? Of course no one else would
ever know, but screw em.

------
readme
Recluse? I work from home, so I only leave to get groceries or go out to
dinner with my girlfriend on an average week. I don't have any more IRL
friends.

Going to try to make some when spring comes, but it's too cold to really
bother right now. Being a recluse isn't so bad.

------
msutherl
The typeface on this page creates a visual illusion whereby the terminals and
serifs appear brighter than the stems and bowls.

Makes me wonder if this happens with a lot of serif faces in light on dark
color schemes and if there's some way to fix it.

Also, not sure if the OP is reading, but while the alternating dark/light text
on a grey background is an interesting idea, it just doesn't work. The dark on
dark text is hard to read, the emphasis is too strong and comes off as heavy-
handed, and the overall effect on the experience of reading is negative in my
subjective evaluation.

------
rfugger
On the surface, this sounds like schizoid personality type:

<https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder>

<http://schizoids.info/>

I know it's not about labels, but sometimes knowing a word for it can help you
find others' stories, which can help you go easier on yourself for being
different from what you perceive is "normal".

 _Edit to add_ : Get your B12 levels checked. Low B12 can lead to schizoid-
type behaviour. Also possibly folate levels.

------
DocG
I will read it to the end, half way, got to go, but two things: I am year
older than you, you know what psychologist said to me, only time I ever
visited her(I had to, for some paperwork)? I am still not grown up. If you are
under 30, you are still not fully developed.

Second, there seems to be unlucky amount of not your kind of people around
you. I have managed to find people, who seem "default" on the surface, because
they have to, but the praise different. Almost any kind, there is no "you are
too weird". And it helps, its awesome.

------
yarou
Stay strong pal. You are clearly a gifted and talented individual. However,
more often than not, individuals such as yourself tend to be extremely
critical of themselves. Change is hard to accomplish, especially when you're
set in your ways. But I think you have solid achievable goals. FWIW I'd be
your friend :)

On a side note, I didn't realize HN was becoming more and more Reddit-like
every day. This is probably the first submission I've seen that reads almost
like an AMA...perhaps it is a sign of things to come.

------
tantaman
It sounds silly & cliche but having a significant other will really help him
out in this department.

Someone that you have to commit to. Someone that'll be there long enough to
see all your bullshit and hypocrisies and call you out on them.

If you're alone, it's easy to commit to doing something only to later "forget"
about the commitment when it is no longer convenient for you. A partner that
you've made a commitment to won't forget it so easily.

The same goes for business. Maybe that's why startups often have strong co-
founders.

~~~
mike_esspe
Not necessarily.

For me, when I'm living with someone, in several months I become a complete
hermit. Probably because all my rudimentary needs for socialization are
fulfilled.

------
scotty79
Funny how many things are similar in my own biography.

OP: chess, checkers - me: school olympics, chemistry, math, physics

OP: tour trauma, when asking tour guide a question, everybody laughed - me:
tour trauma when tour guide played naughty joke on my mom and everybody
laughed

OP: abusive dad, divorced early - me: no dad, left at birth (fortunately
awesome grandpa that taught me Ohm's law, how to drill, solder and lots of
other stuff)

OP and me: interest in psychology (for me ended with learning what Freud was
saying, I have no business in branch of science where name of such clueless
bent puppy is remembered)

OP: crappy kindergarten experience, me: spent few hours in kindergarten, don't
remember anything but I never went back there, I cried too much when they
tried to drag me there

Fortunately, I had (still have) great, stable mother, I had close friends
(full honesty with them, nearly kind of mind melt) until I was 17 or so (OP
had some till 12).

I'm 34. My true self kind of melded with my fake self. They switch in seconds.
When I'm interacting with acquaintances I still fake it. Often I fake
amusement because I want to come off as cheerful, but I'm rarely truly amused.
Pretty often I fake quite well which makes me proud. But I don't have to fake
with few people that are close to me. I just have to restrain myself from
exposing full me in some cases, but I guess most people do that even
(especially?) with their loved ones.

I went different way than OP, I was madly in love two times as a teenager, now
I have de-facto wife. She's awesome. After 8 years or so of the relationship,
from time to time I feel that I love her and I feel the urge to tell her that.
Not sure if that's unusual but I think it's a good sign.

But I know I chose one path. And sometimes I long for the other, for being a
shut-in. I hate going out. I hate meeting people who are not my closes
friends. I don't eagrely await meeting even my closest friends. Social
interaction exhausts me. I used my relationship to shed off almost all of my
friends. Still I think living among people takes at least 80% of my energy. I
have only 20% left for doing the stuff I actually care about.

As they say, grass is always greener on the other side. I'd probably be same
looser with too high IQ and too little motivation if I were a shut-in. But one
can dream.

------
networked
>Over concerned humans must cause at least some percentage of suicides.
Someone needs to compile the stats and do a TED talk stat.

Now that's an interesting hypothesis. I have seen a study on how insufficient
parental attention increases the risk of suicide in teenagers but not this.

Edit: searching for "overprotection and suicide" ("overprotection" is the best
keyword I could come up with; I did the search without the quotes) yields
little.

~~~
DanBC
England has some suicide and deliberate self harm research done by "University
of Oxford". (Uh, that's not "Oxford University" or any of the colleges.) You
could noodle through their website?

(<http://cebmh.warne.ox.ac.uk/csr/>)

You might remember the reports a few years ago about cortisol levels in
children at nurseries, compared to children at home? People said that cortisol
was a stress hormone, and thus it's bad to be in the brains of children, and
thus putting children in nursery is bad because it causes cortisol to be
released. But other interpretations are that children need to learn to
regulate their emotions, and that lack of cortisol means over-protection and
lack of a chance to learn how to regulate emotion.

Sorry about the lousy links, it's the best I can do at the moment.

(<http://www.parentingscience.com/daycare-centers.html>)

([http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn18633-mom-and-dad-
stop...](http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn18633-mom-and-dad-stop-
stifling-me--its-damaging-my-brain.html))

~~~
taejo
> "University of Oxford". (Uh, that's not "Oxford University" or any of the
> colleges.)

The University of Oxford is indeed the ancient and well-known university
informally called Oxford University.

------
krob
This guy probably has aspergers. It makes sense in my opinion. Very
articulate, doesn't see the social necessity to be around others.

------
hjay
I don't have much to comment on this, as I myself am an introvert and somewhat
of a shut-in.

But after reading up to "I guess I'm kinda different.", I couldn't stand it
and had to use Developer Tools to change the background color and font color.
Still feeling some discomfort in my eyes and it feels like the text is burned
in front of me.

~~~
Lambdanaut
The paragraph text didn't necessarily bother me, but the nearly invisible
headers are just ridiculous.

------
talmir
I read this and had this small voice in the back of my head translating what I
read into "Look at me! I'm special! I'm a shut-in! I do it because I'm
special!"

In reality the author is just alike everyone else, with fears and emotions
which caused him to shut himself in and rationalize it with some meditative
jargon.

~~~
onli
Don't think so. That rather reads like the description of an undiagnosed
asperger or not-so-dramatic (not in a sense of not severe, in a sense of "not
screaming when overloaden" unlike in movies) autistic patterns. He even
mentions an Aspie-board, maybe he is aware of it but didn't want to mention it
in his article?

The water, the need for routine, the unabilty to fully play chess when in a
social context, the need to simulate social interactions - the "funny" thing
is that if that diagnosis is right, he is not faking by faking it, it's simply
him.

The not so funny thing is that if that diagnosis were right, many comments in
this thread like "we all feel like we are not normal" mask that condition, and
lead to unhelpful advice.

------
lightyrs
Although I think you overestimate your uniqueness, you have the potential to
be a very good writer. Please keep the posts coming, Kay.

Of everything you wrote, this line was the most relatable to my own
experiences:

"If you don't like who I am then you can go fuck yourself."

Once I adopted this mindset, all things became possible.

Good Luck!

------
theklub
What I find funny is that everyone wants to be different but we are all
different and thats what makes us the same. Also shut-ins are ironic in that
they will never meet each other, therefore missing the people that they might
possibly get along with best.

------
SCAQTony
So many words defending his recreation and insisting it was a legitimate
sport. It was as if he presumed the reader was judging him and he felt the
need to defend himself.

I suspect some spectrum issues are involved but he is still no less of a
person.

------
shoxty
In all seriousness, how can you support this? Is it assumed that he lives with
somebody who pays for his living expenses? If I didn't have so many bills to
pay I feel like I would be more of a shut-in.

------
coldtea
> _I'm not agoraphobic, I'm not depressed, and I'm not insane 2. I simply
> don't socialize._

Isn't that for others to judge? It's not like one person can judge himself to
be or not be the above.

------
ytNumbers
Site Advisor has flagged this site as a security risk. I wonder if the site
got hacked. Wow... Talk about kicking someone when they're down!

~~~
lastbookworm
Did a quick check and nothing is hacked. It's just a static page served up by
a rack app on heroku so it's unlikely it would ever be hacked. One other
comment mentions the site being flagged so I imagine there is something that
certain filters don't like. IIRC Site Advisor uses bots to flag sites. In the
essay I cuss a lot, mention Las Vegas and mention drugs so I imagine it's a
combination of 1. bots not liking the things I mentioned and 2. it's a
recently registered domain.

------
throwawayz9v7
FYI, the page was blocked by my workplace in the brief period between reading
it and re-visiting it after reading the comments here.

------
INTPenis
You're a 23 year old boy who thinks too much. I hate to sound like a cliché,
but, it's just a phase!

~~~
fideloper
I have to agree on this point somewhat. I'm not saying you're "just some 23
year old boy who think too much" (Altho I'm leaning that way), but the
difference in thinking, attitude and well-being between teens to early
twenties to late twenties and into thirties and beyond can be drastically
different in each.

~~~
INTPenis
Yes and we have to keep in mind that people grow up a lot slower these days in
well developed nations. In other words, we're spoiled rotten kids at 25.

So not having found your role in life at 23 is not uncommon these days.

------
waxjar
What I find strange is that this story even exists. If OP truly wanted to live
in solitude, truly didn't want to be bothered by others, this story would have
never been written. Why even bother?

I'm not suggesting it is a cry for help (though it certainly could be), but it
certainly _is_ an attempt to connect with others.

I must admit I haven't read the full story. I found it too lengthy.

~~~
worktodo
Skipping to the end might give you more perspective.

------
scottrogowski
Really interesting read. That is the first time in a while I have read
something that long on the internet without skimming. A couple of thoughts:

You mentioned that your last close friend was when you were 12 and that you
were in a distance high school. Do be sure that you realize that middle school
was as bad as it gets in regards to social pressure to be normal. This is a
different world now. Immediately out of college around your age (22?), nerds
like us become pretty cool because we have interesting jobs and make a lot of
money. To some extent, almost all programmers have a few social idiosyncrasies
and for the most part we share these in common. So what that means for you is
that those idiosyncrasies which previously got you bullied are now the same
that people associate with success.

While I realize that for you it might be the only way, I think your plan in
the 're-life' section is a bit misguided. Learning to be social is a
fundamentally different thing from learning a new skill. There is no sense in
focusing down and trying to find the core problems because social behaviors
generally exist below our stream of consciousness (somewhat related:
<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Introspection_illusion>). If you approach this
in a way that you would learn a new programming language, you will also
quickly find that the difference is that learning to socialize is NOT
interesting or fun in an academic sense and you will quickly lose motivation.
Instead, since you seem to have a lot of varied interests, I would start with
a Meetup. There should be hacker or entrepreneurial groups holding meetings
near you (unless of course you still live in Idaho!) The important thing is to
go out and try to do things you are interested in with other people no matter
how painful or awkward at first. Social behaviors will eventually be picked up
subconsciously.

Measuring your progress is always a good way to motivate yourself and stay on
track. But I would avoid measuring "all the human things" and instead focus on
metrics like, "how many people did I say hi to today" or "how long was I
outside of my room".

To make this easier for yourself (and therefore increase your chances for
success), you might not want to change your name to K-2052 just yet. I think
it is great move and I agree with your logic but put it to the side until you
are a bit further along on your quest. Then, you will have the ability to rock
the name.

And suggestions on where to move? Being in a big city is important more than
anything else. I live in San Francisco and a great thing about this city is
that weirdness is embraced more than anywhere else I have ever spent time. You
might also think about moving to a abroad if you know any foreign languages.
People will tend interpret social differences as cultural differences and you
will be get a bit more wiggle-room with your weird behaviors while you come
out of your shell.

I would venture to say that most of us here (myself included) feel empathy
towards parts of your story so just know that you are not as different as you
think you are!

~~~
cupcake-unicorn
Great reply. I'm always so happy that the comments on HN seem to be so
reasonable.

What stood out to me is your comment about moving...I myself have picked up a
lot of unhealthy behaviors and habits by being trapped in a city where people
are distant and flaky. I've forgotten that not everyone is like that. I myself
have thought that my only other options are SF or moving abroad, so it's
interesting to hear someone else voice that.

------
dinosaurus
This comes up as porn for me... (work filters)

------
grownseed
This is really interesting and I'm glad you felt like sharing, but as a lot of
people have pointed out, I don't think you're so far out from the norm, or
maybe few people are actually normal, I'm not sure. The more you segregate
yourself from society the more you'll try and generalize behavior, leading to
the idea that most other people fall in the same basket when in fact they're
just normal in only certain respects.

I was born with a slight genetic defect, meaning that by the age of five my
hearing was entirely gone. Luckily enough for me, multiple operations have led
to getting most of my hearing back, and of course I'm extremely thankful for
that. Not meaning to spill out my life here, but I simply want to point out
that being a shut-in was in a way forced on me, and I learnt a lot from it. I
turned the most traumatic experience of my life into the best thing that's
ever happened to me. Very much like you I'm pretty weird in a lot of respects,
and as I believe you're trying to achieve, I've turned most of my weirdness
into strengths. I can read body language naturally, so I use it to identify
stress and discomfort in other people, often before they even realize it. I
empathize very strongly, generally without people needing to tell me what's
happening. I can become "deaf at will", i.e. shut the world around me entirely
and concentrate even in the noisiest places. I see rhythm and patterns in
everything, even in social interactions. And so on.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the source of your weirdness is very
much the same as the source of your greatness. Having the tools is one thing,
and it's now a matter of using them properly. It also turns out socializing is
very much an elaborate way to showcase your weirdness to your peers, and often
realize someone will share some of it with you (a lot like some people have
done in this thread).

Two things that have made my life considerably better in every respect:

Don't lie, to others but also to yourself. I have done the same thing you
have, pretending, a lot! Pretending to be happy when I wasn't, pretending that
I cared when I didn't and vice-versa, making up stories that I actually
started believing in myself to justify everything... So I made the simple
decision to not lie, ever. I can't even begin to explain properly the freedom
of mind it's brought me, and how much simpler and cleaner it's made my
relationships and my life in general. It also means that after a while, you'll
also never get offended by things. When you don't lie, it's nearly impossible
for somebody to undermine you.

Simplify your life. I used to have a fancy place, owned tons of fancy stuff,
have very strong opinions about everything that I thought other people were
too stupid not to agree with, etc. You start believing that you actually need
the crap you buy, then you get attached and worry about said crap. It is, in
my honest opinion, a waste of physical and emotional time and effort. Nobody
gains from it, least of all you. I've done away with pretty much all of it and
am really happy for it. I have more room in my head and in my life for genuine
worries (of which there are now very few) and I appreciate the simple things a
lot more; the things that most people of all backgrounds can connect with.

This is my 2 cents, but as a fellow weirdo and programmer who's gone through
depression and a bunch of other unpleasant things, I thought I'd share how
I've become the happiest I've ever been.

(My apologies for the long comment)

------
berlinbrown
One small comment, black on white pages tend to read a little better.

------
berlinbrown
Awesome.

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gcb0
i'm pretty sure he choice of typeface is part of the shut-in work.

------
EToS
worlds worst foursquare user! :)

------
dreamdu5t
Not much of a story.

------
jcroll
If you're serious about the world forgetting you then why did you write this
post?

~~~
astine
If you'd read the post to the end, you'd know. He explained it pretty clearly.

~~~
jcroll
Oh, guess I had more important things to do with my time.

~~~
astine
And yet you still had time to leave a comment? If you want to criticize what
someone writes, read it first. As it stands, you're just an ass.

~~~
jcroll
omg dude serial?

