
Ask HN: I'm 40 this year, and have depression. Any words of wisdom? - petecooper
I read comments and stories here most days, occasionally comment on or submit things, and hold HN in high regard for the variety and quality of discourse.<p>I&#x27;m 40 this year and as a milestone birthday it has me ruminating on how to steer my life in the coming few years. At 20, I was a technical support manager with 20+ staff. At 25, I was travelling the world as a technical trainer and event speaker. At 30, I was self-employed with a good income from podcasting. At 35, I was divorced and had to start from scratch. For nearly 5 years, things in my life have been a lot harder to do achieve than they should be. At 40, I&#x27;m at a crossroads with a metaphorical blank canvas. I want to be more content with life at 45, 50 and 60.<p>My job (technical consultant, proactive and reactive) keeps the roof over my head, but I&#x27;m not jumping out of bed in the morning to do it. My motivation is at an ebb. I don&#x27;t exercise enough, but I&#x27;m starting over with that. I&#x27;ve started intermittent fasting for mental clarity and that seems to be helping -- and this Ask HN post wouldn&#x27;t have happened without it.<p>I have anhedonia, but I&#x27;ve accepted that when I find something fun that&#x27;ll go away. It&#x27;s a symptom of the low-level depression that comes and goes, and the best medicine I&#x27;ve found for me is fresh air and exercise. This should not be considered a cry for help, it&#x27;s something I have a rational control of, most of the time.<p>And so, I Ask HN: I&#x27;m 40 this year, and mentally damaged -- any words of wisdom?<p>Thanks very much for reading.
======
elmerfud
First, stop thinking of yourself as mentally damaged. You're normal. If by the
time you're 30-40 and you haven't realized that all new things that you
encounter will eventually go away, then you're mentally damaged. It's a normal
transition from shortsighted childishness to farsighted maturity.

You're in the prime of your life. You're at a stage where you have skills and
experience to do lots of things and make decent money. Your job may be boring
as hell, but view your job as a tool. It something that gives you the means to
do what you want.

That is the hard part, figuring out what you want. Ultimately contentment
comes from within but it's easier to have with the correct external forces
supporting you. Things at this point in your life should be easier to achieve,
not because they are in fact easier because often time they are more difficult
tasks, but because you have years of experience knowing that you can overcome
any obstacle placed in your path.

I'm 45 and can relate to much of what you've said. I wish I had time to write
more, but you really are in your prime. Do want you need to do so you can do
what you want to do. Those two things should be very balanced at this point in
your life, whereas when you're younger you're always doing the needs and you
never have time to think about your wants.

~~~
jamesrcole
> _First, stop thinking of yourself as mentally damaged. You 're normal_

I think it's unhelpful to assert things like that when we don't have enough
information for making definitive statements. Perhaps they do have some
genuine and serious issues? We can't know just from the description given. If
they do then acting like they don't isn't very helpful.

~~~
elmerfud
Like many of the other commenters, my point was that labeling yourself as
broken and assuming the victim mindset is what's unhelpful.

Everyone has issues, literally everyone and understanding that it's normal and
not what defines you is what's important. This allows you to acknowledge,
embrace, and seek help if needed.

~~~
jamesrcole
But you don't know this person's history or current state! You are just
assuming it is mere labelling.

You're also assuming that if someone says they are mentally broken they are
taking a victim mindset. If someone says they have 20 broken bones and cannot
walk is that taking a victim mindset, or might it just be an objectively
description independent of their mindset?

Just because everyone has issues does not mean that everyone has the same
magnitude of issues. Some people really do have it far worse than others.

~~~
elmerfud
Obviously the original poster seems to agree with the many people advising not
to take the victim mindset as the title has been changed. Describing yourself
as "damaged" is the victim label word choice, not an objective medical mental
state term. Only later was it mentioned as anhedonia. The damaged description
has been changed to depression to describe a condition not a label. No where
did I suggest that they should just "get over" depression or their anhedonia.
It's that they should not allow those things to define them as damaged.

I can't tell if you're intentionally misunderstanding or if you really don't
get the difference. To compare a literal medical condition (20 broken bones)
with a non-medical label (mentally damaged) seems as it could be either.

Any perceived double standards on mental vs physical care is only in your
head. Proper labeling of any condition for both the doctor and the patient is
critical. If you suffer massive trama (such as your broken bones) and allow
the label of cripple to define you, that's what you'll be.

It is normal for everyone in life to encounter challenges. Be they physical or
mental. To have a view that your physical or mental condition is special or
somehow makes you not normal does a great disservice to yourself.

You seem very talented at reading words that do not exist and telling people
they assume things when most everything you've written is an assumption. It
may be time to look up "objective" vs "subjective".

It's not helpful to the discussion to put words in people's mouth.

~~~
jamesrcole
I'm was talking about a comment made before any of those changes, where that
comment was making assumptions. I'm also saying that you can't assume that
what is there in the OPs post or comments tells the full story.

You don't seem to understand that someone can actually be in a severely bad
mental state (as if a label being "non-medical" somehow means such a state
cannot exist). You are assuming that no claims of such can be objectively
accurate -- that they can only be allowing oneself to be defined in a certain
way, and can only be expressions of mindset or attitude.

------
dfsegoat
As others have stated, the biggest thing is to stop beating yourself up - stop
calling yourself damaged.

Also, you need to start exercising - it is the only thing for me personally
that will keep "the darkness" at bay. The research and neurobiology behind
exercise being an effective modulator of mood is all solid.

Further, I recommend you listen to Jocko Podcast [1] - by Jocko Willink, a
retired Navy SEAL commander, he does some great interviews with guys like Col.
Bill Reeder, who spent several years in a POW camp.

Think about guys like John Mccain, who spent 6 years being tortured, neglected
and beaten day in and day out -- and it really starts to put things in
perspective, because he put ALL of that trauma aside and went on to lead a
fairly remarkable career, and raise a family etc.

1 - [http://jockopodcast.com/2017/02/22/63-through-the-valley-
my-...](http://jockopodcast.com/2017/02/22/63-through-the-valley-my-captivity-
in-vietnam-with-colonel-william-reeder-us-army-pilot-vietnam-pow/)

~~~
cpr
Everything else sounds good, but McCain is not what he seems:

[http://www.unz.com/runz/american-pravda-when-tokyo-rose-
ran-...](http://www.unz.com/runz/american-pravda-when-tokyo-rose-ran-for-
president/)

~~~
dfsegoat
Fair enough... Then I'll stick to my original examples of Col. Bill Reeder,
and Capt. Charlie Plumb.

Check out their stories on the podcast:

Charlie plumb:
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XgwpDnalZE](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XgwpDnalZE)

Bill reeder: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHIxtd-
oYTs](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHIxtd-oYTs)

------
AnnoyingSwede
Like a few other mentioned, don't label your self as damaged and even avoid
labling yourself by a prognos you might or might not have gotten. During my
life i have seen quite a handful of people with rather small problems blowing
them up into unreasonably large sandcastles that only prohibited further
development and covered every bridge they wanted to pass.

Like many other here i loved computers as a kid but growing up making it my
job made me lose that love, and i barelly hack software at home anymore. The
reason i love being at work is because i have great coworkers, not that i burn
for what i do. I bet a lot here can identify themselves with this here.

If i could just give you one advise, it would be: Get a 1000cc superbike. I
have a very short commute to work, but i only need to ride 5 minutes to come
to work all pumped with adrenalin, which i replace with a coffeine-rush as i
step in to the office. The rest of the day flows, and i can't wait to get back
on my bike to go home. This might not be a one-size-fits-all-solution, but
it's worth a try and a mention.

Good luck mate.

~~~
anothergoogler
One nit to pick, a beginning rider should NOT get a 1000cc superbike and then
use it for an adrenaline rush. That's a ticket to the ER/morgue.

~~~
reaktion
Agreed. Speaking from experience, any bike is a trip to the ER. Riding in to
my office job was one of the best parts of my day - until I was hit head on by
a car. It's not worth it to me anymore, cyclists are invisible to drivers!

~~~
acct1771
Try louder exhaust next time =P

~~~
AnnoyingSwede
I cant upvote this enought, loud pipes save lifes.

------
Arun2009
If you haven't heard of it yet, I suggest that you look at Albert Ellis's
Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), and start training yourself to
aggressively fight any demons that might be haunting you. I highly recommend
Ellis's book, "A Guide to Rational Living", which will train you in
challenging your own self-defeating thoughts. Note that I don't mean this as a
cure-all, but merely as one of the tools you (or anyone else!) should have in
their life's toolbox.

The fundamental premise of REBT is that it's not the events in our lives
themselves, but our beliefs about the events that upset our emotional state.
Hence to change our negative emotions, we must attack through reason the
beliefs that promote negative emotional states. Here's is a useful summary of
the REBT approach:
[https://rebtnetwork.org/whatis.html](https://rebtnetwork.org/whatis.html) .

What I love most about REBT is that it trains us to be our own therapist. That
is quite empowering and liberating!

~~~
petecooper
>What I love most about REBT is that it trains us to be our own therapist.

Thank you for your advice and recommendation -- I have just purchased a copy
of the book.

------
RobertRoberts
It sounds like you are doing what all of have to. I am just over 40, and I
have had a similar set of experiences. Getting back on the horse is the cure.
Try going out on a date. My brother, a few years older, had it worse than I
did in some ways, and is just starting to date again and it took him a while
but he's happy he's met someone similar to him in life now.

Compare this with a friend who (late 30s) complains about being lonely but
won't ask a woman out that he likes. It hits a point where you need to just
dive in and face everything. But, by the way you wrote your post here, it
seems like you are doing that. Keep going, you won't feel better until you
make a breakthrough, but you won't make a breakthrough if you give up.

Just trust that steady forward progress makes results. I hope you do well. I
think many of us techies had rousing younger years and some have a harder time
adjusting to slowing down or changing our perspective when life slows down
around us.

------
mrburton
I'm turning 40 this year too; 2019 I'll be 40.

Let's be honest with one another? You need to change your thinking and
behavior. It's all mental and you know it. Feed into the bullshit negative
thinking and it'll continue to grow and take over your life.

You already know the answer - go out and experience new things. Take a road
trip, have a beer, watch two grown ass men kick the shit out of one another in
an MMA fight or go to a coffee shop with a book and tell yourself "Today, I
let the moment slip by while I sip on coffee" and remember...

Stop over thinking life. You can't control it and you'll never win if you
think you can control it.

Life is like a box of chocolates - eventually it'll be empty and kicked to the
side of the road. For now, its full and everyone wants a piece.

------
phakding
This is what I realized; no matter how much you love your work/profession when
you started out, it's impossible to keep that flame of curiosity and interest
after 15-20 years of work. You need to get away from it frequently to rekindle
that flame. Find hobbies that have nothing to do with technology or computers
or programming like playing instruments, hiking, running, knitting or whatever
else that interests you.

------
nimbius
full time engine mechanic here. ASE certified and everything...ive been doing
it for 15 years. Some days are worse than others, like when im coming back
from a 3 day weekend full of cadillac margaritas and over-grilled
burgers...but nothing like what you describe.

When I think 'mentally damaged' im picturing someone who sticks their hand in
a running engine to 'feel if the belts are moving ok.' You're doing pretty
good from what I can tell, but ever since I started checking out HN ive seen
quite a few people in tech that feel the same way you do.

Is it offices that do this? nobody I know in my office ever seems really happy
in the morning. seems like sitting around all day staring at a computer might
start to eat away at a mans soul.

If money isnt an issue, I'd suggest spending time learning a trade as a hobby
or maybe more. maybe pick up a shift changing oil at a local shop, and see how
that grabs you. Im not saying its the easiest thing in the world, but the job
is pretty social and even though your shoulders and arms ache after the first
day, you never feel like you arent doing something useful.

------
honkycat
Are you seeing a therapist?

I would highly recommend going to a therapist. I had the same problem around a
year ago, and having an unbiased person to go and talk to about my feelings
once a week, keep track of my moods and persistent frustrations, and help me
set and meet realistic goals was extremely helpful. I also made it clear I was
not interested in taking any medication.

I went for about a year straight, but I don't go anymore. I still value the
time I spent in therapy and thought it was helpful. I simply progressed enough
such that the ball was in my court. I'll probably go back in a year or two.

------
LyndsySimon
I'm 34, and it sounds like I struggle with a lot of the same emotional issues
that you do.

I wish I had a better answer for you, but all I have is "just keep swimming".

The first time I experienced depression and anhedonia, it basically broke me.
I was truly despondent and was almost incapable of hope for the future. In
time - and with the help of family, my wife, psychologists, and prescription
drugs - it lifted.

That first time took almost two years before I saw the first glimmers of hope
again; two years before I felt _anything_ , really. Thereafter, just knowing
that it was a temporary state and that it had passed before help more than
anything else. I go through bouts of it every few months now and during that
time I'm much less effective in both my personal and professional life, but it
passes much more quickly and with much less effort from me.

I just... wait it out. I recognize that the way I feel isn't based on real
inputs, but is just a part of the way my body works. I strongly distrust my
own emotions, and always verify that what I'm feeling has a rational basis. If
it doesn't, I do my best to make decisions without regard for how I feel about
the.

And yes, being outside seems to help me quite a bit.

------
TheAlchemist
Well, I would recommend starting some serious exercising. What are you doing ?
Lifting weights ? Running ?

If you're into running it would be great to fix some longer term goals, like
running a marathon or a trail. I've found that long distance running and
everything that goes with it, provides an enormous joy and an overall
improvement in life perception. And if you do run, go running in a forest or
at least in a park - not in a gym.

------
CodeWriter23
I don’t know if this would apply to you. Your story sounds similar to mine, so
I’ll share what I did, just in case. I also apologize in advance if this does
not apply.

That said, I found my depression was a direct result of consuming depressants.
Alcohol, weed, anything else I could get my hands on. Suicidal ideation was
the order of the day. I got clean almost 23 years ago with the help of a
12-Step program. It sounds like an odd choice for an Atheist like myself. But
it was absolutely the best thing I ever did for myself. I’d really like to
tell you my life is a bowl of cherries all day every day. But that would be a
lie. I do have a life that I was incapable of envisioning for myself. I am
married, I am a dad and I’m pursuing my dream building my own company. I’m
completely in love with my wife and my nine-year-old daughter. I get to feel a
wide range of emotions. Every day. I get to be present for everything. I get
to participate in every decision in my life, instead of living life by the
default settings. And I get to be responsible for every one of those choices.
It is freedom for my mind, my heart, and my body.

------
dkitchen
You've got strengths and are already aware of several variables (exercise,
fasting) you can control to increase your well-being and decrease your
suffering. I encourage you to keep moving in the direction of ever increasing
possibilities. I offer you 3 Immutable Laws of Forward Motion:

1\. Pain. 2. Uncertainty 3. Ceaseless Effort

Any attempts to exonerate yourself from these laws will necessarily lead to
the sense of being stuck (without options) and hopeless (without
possibilities). However if you accumulate skills to embrace these laws, you
will increase well-being both for yourself and those you care about.

When you say, "things in my life have been a lot harder to do/achieve than
they should...", you're headed for a dead end. Any plan that seeks contentment
as a destination is likely to be a dead end. The best game to play has no
promise of "win" or "lose". It's the game where you get to keep playing.
Evolution seems to be playing that game, and it has produced some fairly
numinous wonders. You being one of them.

------
benjohnson
That you're seeking contentment over happiness says to me that you're wise -
and without knowing your particular details, I would generally recommend
starting a family.

For me, seeing my children grown in love provides me with the most contentment
I've ever had.

------
DoreenMichele
_I have anhedonia, but I 've accepted that when I find something fun that'll
go away. It's a symptom of the low-level depression that comes and goes_

The ancients had a saying: A sound mind in a sound body.

I think lack of enjoyment is often due to lack of energy, plus unrecognized
health issues. There is a lot of research linking depression to diet and brain
inflammation. Off the top of my head, a Mediterranean Diet is sometimes shown
as correlating to less brain inflammation and less depression. The olive oil
used in it is thought to be one of the reasons.

So on top of the fasting and exercise, consider looking at research of that
ilk, start a food and health journal and carefully experiment with diet to see
if anything clicks.

Best.

------
thinkingkong
Genuinely happy youve reached out to a community to help. First off Ill say
that you’ll probably get a ton of different answers but nobody can really
understand your motivation, your “blocks”, what you think the issues are, etc
in a post. That kind of thing takes some work and time with a really good
counselor/ therapist.

Id really suggest finding someone. Dont go for fancy titles, just look around
your area and start coming up with some criteria. Would you feel more
comfortable with a male or female? Phd and brainey or soul searching? Meet
with 5 people. They should all offer free 30min sessions for you to at least
see if you’ll click

Go with your instincts and trust them.

And please, keep up with the exercise.

~~~
dole
If you haven't had a regular therapist and start looking, realize that it
usually takes a few visits with you mostly talking to establish enough history
in order for them to start sorting you out. If you don't start clicking with
them in 5-6 sessions or so, look elsewhere.

------
m3mpp
Religion/spirituality is a great asset, especially as we get older.

------
dawidw
> At 35, I was divorced and had to start from scratch.

That seems to be the root of the problem. Do you have children?

~~~
ak39
I thought so too. But didn’t want to post because it is a total guess.

Breaking and ending a once loving, intimate and totally absorbing relationship
is one of the hardest things for a human to endure. The end of anything is
always sad, the end of relationships most of all.

But again, we are guessing. Life’s multifactorial and single issues often
connect, catalyse and exaggerate what the mind imagines to be a single stress.

Wish the OP all the best.

~~~
dawidw
I asked about children not because of curiosity, but how to deal with the
situation.

I think if OP doesn't have kids, then the best would be just finish all the
contacts with ex-wife. Physical and mental. It's mental effort due to fact
that you can't forget you had wife.

If OP has kids, the situation is more complicated. Kids need parents, even
they are divorced/separated. So I would encourage to keep the best contact
with them as possible in certain circumstances. The problem is that there will
be need to constantly meet ex-wife, and that would require even bigger mental
effort to deal with it.

------
nrjames
I've skipped off of the surface of mid-life crisis for a few years, wondering
often how to find meaning in life. The only advice I have is to seek happiness
from within, whatever that means for you. You're unlikely to 'turn the corner'
seeking external fulfillment. For me, I have to make/create things in order to
be happy. That can be hard to fit into life, but now that I've figured out
that I need it, I try to build time into my schedule.

------
d2161
Go see a medical professional. They can connect you to a counsellor, someone
who can give you more evidence based actionable ways to get yourself back on
your feet.

------
chmike
People don't put the same meaning behind "mentally damaged". Some people are
really mentally damaged. You don't sound mentally damaged to me.

~~~
logfromblammo
Mentally scratched and dented, maybe. Strip the old finish, sand it down a
bit, and refinish, and that brain will look just like new.

OP is probably old enough now to accept that everyone eventually dies and
becomes forgotten, and it's best to do things for yourself in the present,
instead of fueling some invented myth of your own future importance. "Look
upon my works, ye mighty, and despair."

Your brain is just dumping different quantities of different chemicals all
over itself, and it's making you think you've gone crazy, just because it's
different from what you remember from when you were younger. Well, you haven't
gone crazy. The same thing happens to a lot of people. You get to a certain
age, and your kids become more independent, your parents die, your pets die,
your career hits a plateau, and maybe your spouse has some of the same
stresses and blames you in some way for them, and that becomes yet another
stress. Exercise and diet help balance your brain chemicals, but then again so
do prescription drugs, herbal remedies, and recreational drugs. Some people
resort to religion or psychedelics or both. Some people start a second batch
of kids or adopt or get several cats. Some start to write books or music, or
create visual art. Some splurge on luxury goods. There are a lot of ways to
try to get back to feeling "normal" again; some actually work, and some are
just placebo.

Ultimately, the common factor is that all these people realize that they are
mortal, and their time is running out at the rate of one day of life per day
on the calendar. They're afraid they're wasting it. But no matter what you do,
you're going to die, and then everyone who cared about you or hated you will
also die, and it may well be that your greatest accomplishment will be to
spend your entire lifetime just propping up a trade economy with tasks that
have little meaning when considered individually. But maybe you and the 7
billion other people also doing existentially meaningless grunt work manage to
support themselves for species survival, and also collectively put together a
colonization mission somewhere other than Earth, and you contributed more than
a 7-billionth share of that accomplishment. Hooray for humanity; hooray for
you!

If you can't find meaning in your life, just make one up. If it's a bad one,
it will be forgotten; if it's a good one, it too will be forgotten. Your
memory might last 2 years, or 2000 years, but it won't be you--you will be
dead and gone. The important thing is that your chosen meaning motivates you
to continue living your life, even when you have become genetically useless to
the species and so many of your former peers seem to have gained more social
status than you in the same amount of time. You don't need to be great and
influential. Just _being_ is enough, and you can be whatever you want to be,
instead of someone else's child, or someone else's parent, or someone else's
spouse, or someone else's employee.

------
ddmma
Build your own zen garden, continue doing what is good for you and try to let
the destructive things way behind as from another era. I guess there is a
change resistance as the age process is going, pain comes as result either
physical or mental. Change is also healthy, dare to do new things and be in
situations were you can achieve simple positive outcome.

PS. Search also for 'The Art of the Good Life' by Rolf Dobelli

------
cruppstahl
I'm 40, and I enjoy being 40. I feel that I start to understand why things are
the way they are, why other people behave like they do, and why I am how I am.
I don't go so far to say that i grok everything, but I certainly have a lot of
clarity now that I did not have when I was younger. And I have a toolbox of
things that help me when I am not sure about me, about my life etc.

The rest of your life is starting today. You have a job, a large dating pool
and an open future. Visualize your future (it might look like a grey void) and
give it a smile and it will no longer look scary (this is something that
always works for me!). Then go and find a therapist. She'll help you get rid
of the depression, to find motivation in your job and to figure out what to do
in the next 40 years.

BTW - I found this article to be encouraging:
[https://www.nytimes.com/2018/05/04/opinion/sunday/how-to-
sur...](https://www.nytimes.com/2018/05/04/opinion/sunday/how-to-survive-
your-40s.html)

------
badbug
> I'm 40 this year and as a milestone birthday

It's only a milestone if you make it a milestone. You don't have to
participate in these made up events if you don't want to.

I'd recommend the book "a guide to the good life" by William Irvine. It may
help you transform your "anhedonia" from something negative to something
positive.

------
arayh
I'm 34 and have just recently pulled myself out of a 10-year phase of minor
depression. Rational control is great and is something I often make use of to
control the stress and reduce toxicity in my life, but wresting control of
your emotional state and fueling your motivation is arguably far more
important.

Like you, I've started to take exercise more seriously and also watching my
diet a bit more than usual. This seems to help immensely. If you're anything
like me, I tend to overthink too many things and I've found that to be a huge
obstacle in trying to ward away depression, so I've put some focus on
improving various aspects of my life rather than ruminating over random
thoughts in my head.

Meeting new people and expanding your circle of friends seems to be a good way
to keep your mental health in check as the human interaction doubles as an
emotional support system.

------
jtr_47
Have you tried a little meditation to help with some symptoms? I recommend
this. Sit in a slightly dark room, be comfortable. Close your eyes, relax &
take no thought (try it's hard). Do that for 15-30 minutes. Do this at least
once a week, more the better. This will help you focus.

Peace and love on your journey. JTR

------
yesenadam
Read Gail Sheehy's _Passages_. It talks about the different phases of life -
life in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s etc. Without that reference, when there's
unease it's hard to know what's "you" and what's "just being human". I
certainly found it very enlightening.

~~~
yesenadam
This is her interviewed at length on _The Open Mind_ about her subsequent book
_Pathfinders_. Very inspiring.

[http://www.thirteen.org/openmind-
archive/aging/pathfinders/](http://www.thirteen.org/openmind-
archive/aging/pathfinders/)

------
uptownfunk
If your state is not where you want it to be then you have to change it
somehow. There are many ways to do it, but maybe consider taking a break from
work and doing something else if you can afford it.

Volunteer somewhere, help someone else out if you are in a position to do so.

If you think it's medical/clinical then seek professional help.

There are many buddhist/christian/hindu/etc. retreat centers around the world,
consider a stay there for a few days and keep an open mind, you may find
something there. It's not much different then a mental hospital except they
won't force you to take meds.

Many times for smart/technical folks, the problem is less psychochemical and
more intellectual/philosophical in nature. All the best, hope you find the
help/motivation you need..

------
tixocloud
Hi Pete, I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through. If I may recall,
did you start a newsletter service of some sort in the past? We may have
crossed paths before.

Nevertheless, your journey to this point has been nothing short of remarkable
and you should be proud of all your accomplishments. Many people probably do
not have the good fortune to pull off what you’ve done.

I think everyone goes through moments where they feel trapped so feel what you
feel but also know that you have the ability to overcome it.

I’m happy if you’d like a buddy to listen to. Sometimes it’s best to just let
it all out and express yourself. Visit some place you’ve never been. See
worlds different from yours and you might discover new things.

------
wu-ikkyu
Do you have any savings? Now might be a perfect time to take some time off
work, travel, and/or figure out what you want to do with your life. Many
people with a spouse and children will never have that opportunity

------
goalieca
There’s going to be some fulfilment from having a great career but none of the
funerals I’ve been to have any mention about career. It was always about
hobbies and friends and family.

“Work to live, not live to work”

------
chris_wot
I have no words of wisdom. I have PTSD from something that happened to me, but
I'm in a similar situation. All I can do is say you aren't alone, and I wish
you the very best.

------
user3359
Exercise, sleep and nutrition can _always_ be improved.

Also get your hormone levels tested. I had cyclic depression from 15 through
25 and HRT has been a life saver. It becomes more noticeable at your age.

Everyone is different, but for me personally, a needle in the ass once per
week is 100x better than depression, and it becomes something you have to live
with, like brushing your teeth. Standard doses of 100mg/week are anarchaic
though, look for 200mg/week and don't settle for the topical gels.

~~~
rbelem
I have similar issues with my testosterone levels. One doctor said that I have
to take testosterone from time to time, but I didn't accept the solution and
looked for another doctor that said that I need a surgery to remove a
varicocele.

------
dazc
Since it sounds like you're at a point where you realise you need to do
something, do it now because it's not going to get any easier the longer you
leave it.

------
browsercoin
hmmm, you really need to get to the root of the problem. All I can tell you is
that there are tools at your disposable. Old and New. One that is shunned by
modern science because they say because there is no evidence or can't prove
beyond statistically significance that something works or not, but you see
people benefit from the old civilizations way of treating pain both spiritual
and physical.

The most obvious one is daily exercise. Are you exercising regularly? If not,
start immediately. This is not an age to start slacking.

Eat healthy. Relax. Avoid, stress if possible. Smoke a little ganja if your
doctor is okay with it.

Always remember suicide is temporary, your loved ones will pay the ultimate
price, and honestly I believe that your consciousness will painfully witness
it. It's fallacy to accept that just because the physical body perishes that
"you" end. I don't think so. The consciousness must live on, beyond the 3rd
dimension. Michio Kaku, read his book, and tell me that in the trillions of
stars that's been around for billions of years or less is thriving with life,
life which may extend beyond the 3rd dimension which us mortals are limited
to....but the 4th, 5th up till 11th. It totally makes sense that we aren't
alone in this universe and that there are higher dimensional beings that look
down upon our 3rd dimensional world on earth as we would look down upon the
water striders who have no concept of up or down, unaware that we can
seemingly teleport them from one location to another by lifting them out of
the water and placing it in another place. To us, we can connect the cause and
effect. To the water strider, it's the craziest shit that ever happened.

There's also evidence of children remembering their past lives, like that kid
who got murdered and then remembered the guy that killed him as a boy and
ended up arresting the guy.

------
beerbaron23
This plan worked for this dude, worth a shot :P

[https://np.reddit.com/r/casualiama/comments/2lbqym/traveled_...](https://np.reddit.com/r/casualiama/comments/2lbqym/traveled_to_mexico_to_buy_chemicals_to_humanely)

------
RantyDave
Right. You have an extremely common illness and like all extremely common
illnesses you should go and see a doctor. Even better if you can bypass some
crap and go straight to a psychiatrist. You're not broken. You're not mentally
damaged. You're ill.

------
gesman
With depression - the key is not fighting with depression, but rather find
what you want to focus on - something interesting, meaningful, especially if
it relates to helping other people - and focus on it, whether you feel
depressed or not.

That activity needs to be mental + physical.

------
timwaagh
you had it too good when young so much so you don't appreciate your current
life. you're a technical consultant. much better than a code monkey. you
should be proud. but when you came from manager and events speaker, that kind
of changes things.

------
MrEfficiency
You were happy at different jobs and in a relationship.

Could you replicate similar in a 5 and 10 year plan?

------
mhkool
I suggest to go to www.brokenbrain.com where Dr Mark Hyman explains the causes
of depression and other brain-related diseases. Once you understand the _real_
causes, it is relatively simple to remove the causes and get healthy again.

------
kawfey
I think you're finding some semblance of pleasure in fresh air and exercise.

I'd look back to your roots. It's easier than ever to get into podcasting, and
with your experience it should be a breeze to podcast about something that you
love.

------
Madmallard
Life is relationships. Put most of your work into those and your mood should
improve.

~~~
glitchc
I've found meaningful work to be far more beneficial to my mood. I don't
control what other people do and many a times their illogical decisions and
the ensuing drama are not a pleasant experience.

~~~
taway_1212
Find better people? I know it's easier said than done.

------
criveros
\- Why don't you try taking a long vacation? Stay in some hostels in South
America. Meet some new people along the way. Maybe work remotely from there
after you travel.

\- You could try microdosing LSD for the low-level depression.

~~~
petecooper
>You could try microdosing LSD for the low-level depression.

Thanks for this. CBD oil and psilocybin microdosing works pretty well for me,
though there is a tendency for me to not find any immediate effect to the
psilocybin and as such it's not something I do often enough. The CBD oil is
more pronounced, though.

~~~
criveros
How do you feel about the travelling part?

~~~
petecooper
>How do you feel about the travelling part?

Honestly, scared that I'll have time away from work. It's becoming more clear
to me that I have a dysfunctional relationship with my work, and some deep-
rooted money issues (despite having enough to live on and money saved up).

Finding the root cause of my perceived issues is a priority, there's only so
much I can repair (or improve, to be less weasel word-y) myself without
locating and addressing the thing(s) that cause my issue(s).

------
mrsareen
Thanks for your honest truth, most people shy away from. Please have a look at
the subject of "Mindfulness". I learnt it myself from the similar titled book
from Joseph Goldstein.

Wishing you a fulfilling journey.

------
jamesrcole
Do you know what you want to do in the future, or what changes you want to
make?

If you want, could you elaborate on the 'mental damage' you mention?

I think answers to questions like these would help people provide advice.

------
mattharney
Focus on gratitude.

Write a list of what you are thankful for.

Repeat often - at least weekly, best daily.

------
glitchc
Consider going back to school. I have a feeling you entered the workforce too
early. It might give you a new perspective on things, and open a path to a
completely different career.

------
AlexCoventry
It's hard to get good advice about something like this over the internet.
Consider talking to a capable therapist or life coach or the like.

------
becga
Make sure you are getting B-vitamins.

------
lottin
Read "12 Rules for Life" by Jordan Peterson. It has many interesting ideas
which were new to me and it helped me understand many of the things going on
in my life. It is not a recipe for happiness but a set of tools that you can
use to analyse yourself and others and to become a better person.

------
datadwarfs
1\. See a professional therapist to help you sort out your issues. Maybe talk
to several therapists initially to find one that you enjoy working with and
then stick with that one therapist for awhile.

2\. Live healthy - By that I mean try to exercise daily and eat healthy. Gets
lots of rest and drink lots of water. Avoid alcohol, sugar, and junk food.

3\. In addition to seeing a therapist, read "12 Rules for Life" by Jordan
Peterson or listen to the audiobook version (available on audible and narrated
by the author) while you go out jogging or hiking. Jordan Peterson also has an
interactive "self authoring" program available
([https://www.selfauthoring.com/](https://www.selfauthoring.com/)) which is
designed to help you sort out your past, present, and future.

------
coretx
Try some magic mushrooms and learn something totally new.

------
segmondy
Go see a therapist.

------
charmides
Why did you have to start from scratch at 35?

------
cjg
Psychotherapy, meditation and community.

------
throwaway5250
Can relate. Anhedonia/depression all my life, and a mid-life divorce
devastated me financially and personally.

Beyond what others have said, consider the possibility that this is a problem
you may have for the rest of your life. Mine hasn't decreased much, but I've
made some peace with it. To a degree, I just ignore or ride out the worst
days. Reading the stoics seems to help. Literally just doing things can help.
If you feel like doing something--anything--try to get yourself to do it.

