
Fuck it, I'll Do This Alone - peachananr
http://blog.bucketlistly.com/post/41442384591/fuck-it-ill-do-this-alone
======
simonsarris
I too used to be plagued by wishy-washy friends, and since waiting on
finalization of plans can be a real pain, I decided to find some ways to deal
with them.

The first thing I did was set up a google group for my friends. There are
about 20 memebers in it and we share stuff between each other by email
occasionally but also make plans.

The second thing I learned was never to entice people or make plans, but
simply to _announce_ plans. I'd email the group:

"I'm going hiking at Franconia Notch this weekend if anyone is interested.
Leaving from my house around 10AM Saturday."

That's it. No waiting for replys, no waiting on people at all. If you want to
come with me you'll be around at 10AM Saturday or you won't.

There's no frustration if its only me going, as I intended to go alone, and if
anyone wants to come along then that's a pleasant surprise. But I won't base
my activity schedule around waiting for them.

Surprisingly, since I started doing this, _more people seem to come along._
Motivation is contagious, I think, and it seems the thought of someone else
already 100% committed to doing something makes it easier in the minds of
others to commit themselves.

So make it easy for your friends. This way they don't feel guilty or obligated
one way or the other, which is a huge relief for some personality types.

Later, I made a second google group for announcing house dinners, and now
regularly 5-15 people show up every wednesday and we cook and eat together.

~~~
adcoelho
I've tried this approach and it works but there are situations when one can't
go alone. In my case I like to play football(soccer, if you will) and it
requires a minimum of 10 to play, it's extremely stressful when we get the
people, book the field and when we arrive there we are always short by one.

~~~
run4yourlives
Join a league.

Life's too short to fart around with trying to find those extra few people. If
you join a league, not only will you get your match fixes on a more regular
basis, you'll have a broader pool to select from if you do try and set up
something ad-hoc.

~~~
adcoelho
Well yeah I did try that and I played in a couple in the past but the main
problem with that solution is the stress involved. Its totally different when
you are playing with friends just for the sake of it, when someone plays a
little rougher everything's alright quickly afterwards. In a league, and I
strongly believe this is a cultural thing, people tend to lose Lots of time
complaining and I end up enjoying it much less.

~~~
run4yourlives
Join the right league. :)

Seriously though, I understand what you are saying. Some people - men
especially - seem to forget that there isn't much chance that there are scouts
for premiership teams in the stands, because there isn't anyone in the stands
at all.

There are rec leagues and co-ed leagues that are significantly more geared to
people having a good time and not thinking they are the city's version of
Messi. Seek those out. Also see if you can play in a Master's league (there
are often 1-2 spots allowed, and often no age restrictions on keepers)

------
ghc
I don't know about anyone else, but I feel extremely awkward going to nice
restaurants alone even if I bring something to do. I don't experience this
feeling anywhere else...just restaurants. I think I'd be more likely to travel
alone than to go out to a nice restaurant down the street alone.

~~~
dylanz
Hah! I came here for this comment. My friends actually pick fun of me when I
tell them I go to restaurants alone, but I thoroughly enjoy it. I'll usually
bring in a notebook, a book, or something to do... and... take, my, time.

I'm on my own schedule when I eat alone. I can eat as slow as I want to, I can
order as fast as I want and what I want, I don't have to think of things to
talk about, etc. I absolutely love people watching as well, so when I want to
take a break from my food or my work, I can sit back and look around the room
and check people out.

I'm that guy. I love it.

~~~
nlavezzo
I'm that guy too. If you really want to throw people for a loop, bring a
notebook to thoughtfully write in and snap pictures of your delicious food. I
had no idea until after a few times doing this in Italy that everyone was
assuming I was a travel writer / food critic. I literally had people at other
tables ask me who I wrote for, and when I told them no one they didn't believe
me and begged me to tell. It was awesome :)

~~~
nicholassmith
In some places in England if you're spotted doing this they'll think you're a
'mystery shopper' and you get the 11 out of 10 service level.

------
bbx
When living in Paris, I wanted to attend many concerts but oftentimes I ended
up not going because I couldn't find anyone to come with me.

Looking at the many concerts I missed because of that, I decided to
automatically buy 2 tickets for each event and ask my friends _afterwards_ ,
stating that I had an extra ticket. I ended up attending many concerts with
one of my friends, and rarely had to sell my extra ticket.

On a side note, two years ago, a group of friends invited me to join them for
a 10-days trip in Turkey. They would fly directly from Paris to Istanbul. I
lived in Bordeaux then and figured: why don't I go to Istanbul by train on my
own? It took me 2 weeks to get there, and along the road I stopped at Milan,
Florence, Venice, Ljubljana, Zagreb and Belgrade (plus Munich, Vienna,
Budapest, Krakow and Berlin on my way back).

I knew that noone would have agreed to come with me and I immediately felt
that I had taken the right decision. It was a sudden one but I don't regret
it. I met wonderful people and visited beautiful places, and I realize that
depending on someone else's decision would have prevented me from doing these
things.

------
tmh88j
To each his own. Half the fun of traveling is the friends you're with, for me
at least. The first time I went to NYC and SF I spent ~8 hours wandering
around by myself (friends were still working) and I didn't get much enjoyment
out of it. Sure I talked to some random people, but honestly I was bored after
about 2 hours. The moments I remember and enjoyed were spent with friends,
regardless of the location.

~~~
dpark
More than half for me. I was in Munich by myself once. It was boring as hell.
I ended up shifting my travel plans so I could leave a day early. The next
time I went I had a friend and it was awesome. Munich didn't change much in
between these trips. The company did.

On the other hand, I know people who love to travel alone. They might
disappear into Budapest for 2 weeks and tell tales of how awesome it was when
they resurface. It depends a lot on the individual.

~~~
frabcus
It depends on the place too.

I'm from Europe, and find travel alone in Europe a little dull.

Travel in Asia is so interesting, I prefer it alone.

------
njharman
I think I'm kind of a loner. I have zero problems doing things alone.

Most things (esp trips, hiking, biking) I want to do alone. I need alone time.
Time away from all the hassles and pressures of "socialness". Time to be
selfish. To pause when others might want to go, to go when others might want
to pause.

Also, early in life I got real tired of being let down / of the unreliability
of people. So, instead of repeating the same activity and expecting a
different outcome I quit trying or wanting to participate in planned group
activities.

------
jwmoz
For the first 10 months of 2012 I planned a trip to Thailand, taking time off
contracting. I too became fed up of mates not being able to come with me so in
the end thought fuck it, I'll go on my own. The day I posted my plans my mate
got in touch and said he'd come with me for 3 weeks.

Those 3 weeks we basically argued like a married couple, there were good
times, obviously, but we are both very different people. Anyway, as soon as he
left me in Cambodia, the trip turned into one of the best experiences of my
life.

I went where I wanted, I did what I wanted. I had crazy nights out and the
trip was an adventure. I went to see my friend in Koh Phangan and stayed at
his dive shop for a few weeks for free. I made friends with the locals and
regularly got invited out with everyone. I had 2 of the most unbelievable
experiences of my life partying in Haad Riin. I ended up with a girlfriend for
3 months whilst I was there. I met up with an old friend in Malaysia and
stayed with her for free in a 5 star hotel for a week - she was on business
and got a twin room for me. I met a girl in Bangkok who ended up driving me
around the city in her Range Rover and taking me out to clubs. One day I
decided to rent a motocross bike and rode it 35km up to the top of Bokor
mountain in Cambodia - an amazing experience, more so on the way back down.

All of these things happened when I was on my own. Once I left my friend, I
could do exactly what I wanted. There were times when it was hard, e.g. going
to clubs on your own, or places where everybody is in a group, but in the end
it paid off. Now I'm the guy who just does what he wants. This year I'll go
away again to maybe South Korea or the Philippines; I haven't even considered
asking someone to go with me.

So yeh, don't be that guy stressing about not having anyone to go places with,
fuck it, go on your own.

~~~
rmc
Traveling with someone can be difficult. Just because you're friends with
someone doesn't mean you'll both enjoy living on top of each other for a
while.

------
DigitalTurk
As a rule, I prefer traveling on my own. That way I can take my time to walk
wherever I want and get a better 'feel' for the city. For instance, I love to
go out into the city without a map sometimes. I often even go out of my way to
eat in cheap, dirty places because I want to know what the locals eat.
Sometimes I even go out of my way to explore the boring and the ugly parts of
town.

It's difficult to find travel partners that share these interests. :)

Additionally, when I'm traveling with someone else I get distracted by
conversations. That means I fail to notice tons of things. Also, I have
experienced that my travel companion(s) would take me to all sorts of
interesting places and then afterwards I'm unable to pinpoint on a map where
I've been. That kind of sucks.

It's also much easier to start interesting conversations with locals or other
travelers when you're not in a group.

I'm never lonely. I often stay in hostels so I can usually talk to other solo
travelers. And sometimes I hit couchsurfing.org and meet up with individuals
or groups.

------
roflc0ptic
There seems to be a strain of thought, especially prevelant in the programming
community, that really romanticizes acting alone. I really wonder if we should
romanticize it.

I used to live like this - I would go to shows alone, eat out alone, go to
movies alone. I'd go hiking by myself, I'd go on long bike rides by myself. At
the time I didn't have the resources to go on trips by myself, but I would've
done that, too.

And it wasn't like I was a pariah. I've always had friends and family around.
I've never needed to be single. I just felt like I required this constant
solitude, and because of that, enforced a certain distance in my
relationships.

As I've gotten older and learned more of how to need other people, I'm kind of
horrified at all of the lost opportunities. The friendships I didn't form.

I would really hate for young guys [who I assume comprise much of HN's
readership] to read this and say "Yeah, I should go this world alone!"
Sometimes this attitude may be called for, but more often than not it will not
serve you well.

~~~
vidarh
There's a big difference between being _able_ to enjoy going out alone when
nobody you know are around, and constantly seeking it out.

Losing out on great experiences because you're worried about doing it on your
own is a shame. But losing out on great companionship is too. They don't need
to compete.

For many of the same reasons you mention, a lot of guys here should probably
be ready to go out alone _more_. Not instead of doing stuff with friends, but
when the alternative is to stay at home or do other activities that pretty
much guarantee solitude. If you go out and do stuff, at least your chances of
meeting new people is substantially higher.

------
B-Con
It just depends on your goals. For a lot of people, these kinds of activities
are, on some level, a social catalyst. For those, it doesn't make sense to do
many of them without the social part. But if you're simply interested in the
event itself, you shouldn't feel any need to wait for others to participate.

I golf by myself routinely, and back when I went to the movies I would go by
myself if it made sense. I wanted to do those things, regardless of who
participated. I know many others, though, who would not say the same thing.

------
grecy
My Friends all thought I was crazy when I invited them to drive from Alaska ->
Argentina with me.

The choice was clear, go alone, or don't go at all.

I had a life changing two year adventure.

theroadchoseme.com

~~~
cgh
What a fantastic trip. The same thing happened to me (sort of): I wanted to go
to Turkey straight out of university. Why Turkey, I'm still not sure, except I
liked the look of it (I'm a climber). I had very little money but lots of
time.

Anyway, my friends bailed so I went alone. I stayed for four months, went
everywhere, climbed mountains and rocks, learned some Turkish and did all the
usual travel stuff.

The main thing I learned was self-reliance. I found I was very capable at
dealing with uncertainty all on my own. So I followed this trip up with solo
trips to France, Thailand, etc., all climbing-related.

It's enough to say that I'd be a different person if I hadn't made the
decision to go to Turkey with or without companions.

------
rwhitman
This happened to me the exact same way. Couldn't get anyone on board so I
bought a plane ticket to Hong Kong by myself randomly one night and it was one
of the best trips I've ever taken. I've done a few other solo trips since.

I think the thing I like the most is the sense of ultimate freedom - no
arguments or drama, disasters out of your control etc. Everything you do is
because you chose to do it. If you make a mistake and screw something up,
nobody is going to complain. After being in a relationship for 7 years I
really long to get those moments back...

------
davycro
I think that friends always bailing on you is a sign that you are boring.
Reading this article reminded me of this quote from Anne Lamott:

"There are certain people whose company you love, whose mind you love to pick,
whose running commentary totally holds your attention, who makes you laugh out
loud. When you have a friend like this, she can say: “Hey, I’ve got to drive
up to the dump in Petaluma—wanna come along?” and you honestly can’t think of
anything in the world you’d rather do. By the same token, a boring or annoying
person can offer to buy you an expensive dinner, followed by tickets to a
great show, and in all honesty you’d rather stay home and watch the Jello
harden."

------
phatbyte
Except if you want to apply for YC... unfortunately

------
nlavezzo
I came to this conclusion between the sophomore and junior years of college
when I had the money to take a trip to Italy but none of my friends did. I'd
never been further than Mexico, but I did it.

Being there alone was exhilarating - almost like the feeling of being hiking
in the wilderness far enough away from people that if you broke a leg, you'd
be in serious trouble. There is something wonderful about being far away from
everything you know is safe and comfortable. I think there's a part of you
that you can only find doing things like that.

------
davidwparker
I'm surprised that no one has mentioned traveling with your significant other
/ spouse / girlfriend / wife / boyfriend / husband.

I've made quite a few trips and it's generally not hard to plan something
together with my wife, so long as we do it early enough so she can get off
work.

She loves eating out, so it's never hard to ask her to eat out with me.

In general, she'll do most things with me, so long as they're not hardcore
physical activities (mountain climbing, long distance runs, etc)- but even
those she'll go watch if she's able.

------
david927
If you want to do something, and you make that contingent upon another person,
you've introduced fragility to your goal.

I've heard that a popular reason startups fail is co-founder disagreement, but
that is just another way of saying there was a failure in leadership.

------
phatbyte
I don't think most people actually understood what the author meant. He said
that nothing should hold you back even if you are alone to do it.

He never said he doesn't like to go out with friends. He said we need to learn
to do things on our own sometimes.

------
grabeh
I don't think there's much to be gained from stating either way whether you
prefer solo or group travel.

I have personally enjoyed travelling solo and with friends. They both have
positives and negatives. As people have said at least you are guaranteed
company with friends around, and there's much to be said for sharing
experiences with someone who you know inside-out or at least well.

Having said that, travelling solo has always pushed me out of my comfort zone
into seeking out company (if I was in the mood for conversing). Meeting like-
minded people in new countries has always for me been a very enjoyable
experience.

It's fair to say also that even being in close proximity with a good friend
can lead to friction on occasion because that close proximity can be a very
different experience to your usual relationship away from travelling. Perhaps
I should select my friends better though!

~~~
_delirium
Yes, I'm a bit confused by what people are taking away from this post. There
are advantages to doing things individually, and to doing things
collaboratively, and I'm interested in the relationship between those. But I
don't feel like I learned much from this article about either one. Is it just
the self-help-book-esque "be yourself, don't let anyone hold you back"
message?

~~~
coryl
Hypothesis: some people have a social 'security blanket' and are unwilling to
do things alone, and thus miss out on opportunities to do interesting things.
Perhaps OP was one of those people, and is now sharing/inspiring others to do
the same.

------
mixmastamyk
I remember coming to grips with this myself. Turns out most people have
different priorities than I, such as buying a new car rather than say...
diving in Australia for a few months?

A few things I've learned: The true test comes when it is time to pay. If you
can move that part up, then you will save a lot of time. Don't sweat it if the
couch potatoes at home don't make it. You'll make friends at the destination,
people who actually do things rather than talk about them.

Also, agree with simonsarris' comment that announcing plans takes the
uncertainty out of the exchange.

------
javert
This article is good in concept, but has too much emotion-laden hyperbole for
my taste.

------
stevewilhelm
As a solo runner who trained for and completed the Dipsea and US Half marathon
last year, I say go it alone but let someone know where you are going and when
you plan on getting back.

And carry a rock solid cell phone. I have a Verizon pay as you go basic phone
<http://s831.us/Pn4ZDD>. It's always charged and can pick up cell coverage
where my smartphone can't.

------
baby
If you want people to follow you, you must have the balls to lead alone first.

------
pfortuny
Well, great idea: enjoying good things alone. I do it a lot of times). There
is no special need for friends in order to enjoy a good meal, a good concert
or a good film or a good sightseeing.

There is a time to enjoy alone and a time to gather together.

Glad you have discovered this.

Edit: and there is no need to 'fuck it', one should do these things by himself
from time to time. There is no obligation to enjoy with others.

------
misiti3780
I just booked a trip to Vietnam/Cambodia alone with the same thought in mind -
no one was willing to commit, and I still wanted to go

------
mercuryrising
So my goal is to be a "Millionaire by May". I have 0 dollars right now (living
in my parent's basement), and am close to an MVP. I'm going to start a company
by myself, do everything myself, rake in the profits by myself. It'll be hard
as hell, but by doing it myself I get to learn all the facets, and don't have
to communicate my half assed desires (make it more blue-green!). I have a
fluorescent dollar sign on my desk, whenever the going gets rough (or I don't
want to do it anymore), the dollar sign goes on. Reminds me of my goal.

I've been pumping myself up recently with two things - excuses are just fear,
and shoot for simplicity, not efficiency (if it's simple, it's likely pretty
damn efficient). Unless there is a ridiculous technical problem, there is
generally a way around a problem with a little bit of creativity and elbow
grease. Excuses are just lack of desire to find those routes.

------
golgo13
Sounds like the lunch time running club at work. It's just me, now. And I'm
not even the organizer...

------
jere
Sure, you shouldn't let your friends hold you back. But I wouldn't
underestimate the value of spending time with friends/family. One quote from
Robb Wolf has always stuck with me: "It's understood that people who don't
have enough social connections, they have as high a rate of mortality and
morbidity as a pack a day smoker." <http://youtu.be/Tvh23EnFDio>

Maybe if your friends are holding you back then you should find new friends?
The thought of going to restaurants alone isn't particularly inspiring to me.
If you'll indulge me, here's a song about it: <http://youtu.be/MnqdNErdVcU>

~~~
oinksoft
"It's understood that people who don't have enough social connections, they
have as high a rate of mortality and morbidity as a pack a day smoker."

How is it understood? I've seen things here and there about an active social
life in old age being a key contributor to longevity, but are there any
studies indeed showing that the health risk of being a loner (for all of one's
life, or for some part of it) is equal to that of smoking a pack of cigarettes
a day?

~~~
jere
I actually had never looked up the studies Wolf was referencing before
(naively, perhaps, I trust the guy to have reviewed the literature). But I
think he is probably referencing this:

>Researchers at Brigham Young University and the University of North Carolina
at Chapel Hill pooled data from 148 studies on health outcomes and social
relationships — every research paper on the topic they could find, involving
more than 300,000 men and women across the developed world — and found that
_those with poor social connections had on average 50% higher odds of death_
in the study's follow-up period (an average of 7.5 years) than people with
more robust social ties. _That boost in longevity is about as large as the
mortality difference observed between smokers and nonsmokers_ , the study's
authors say.

[http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,2006938,00.ht...](http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,2006938,00.html)

------
baby
Nicholas Christakis: The hidden influence of social networks [1] :

Should we do things alone, so as not to be contaminated by our
friends/entourage.

Or

Should we get surrounded by the most people.

Also, doing things alone FIRST allows you to get surrounded by those
interesting people that will follow wherever you will go and whatever you will
do

[1]
[http://www.ted.com/talks/nicholas_christakis_the_hidden_infl...](http://www.ted.com/talks/nicholas_christakis_the_hidden_influence_of_social_networks.html)

------
solox3
Travelling? Two is always better than one.

If you break a leg in Thailand, someone can help you to the hospital. If you
have a friend who lives in Korea, he can be your Seoul mate. Going on a roller
coaster? You can sit beside someone you know. Ordered some weird food that you
don't like? Just swap with the friend next to you.

Two is better than one.

~~~
kordless
I was just in Thailand for Christmas. I can tell you definitively people there
will help you in a heartbeat if you get hurt. Alone or not. The Thais are
absolutely wonderful people.

~~~
solox3
I was going for "the advantages of companionship", not "strange people don't
help you".

------
EGreg
We are building an app to solve this exact problem. It's called Groups and has
almost a million downloads by now. This is a common problem for a lot of
people. Will let you guys know when we launch the features to solve it, later
this year.

------
mberning
This breaks down when it comes time to make reservations and other
arrangements where money becomes involved. I've found that asking for a
deposit on things like lodging and tickets really weeds out who is serious and
who is not.

------
bluekite2000
This boils down to your personality, not on external factors like who you are
with, where you go or what you do. Are you an extrovert, introvert or
ambivert? Figure out who you are then everything will make sense

~~~
malenm
Thanks for this - I'm very much an ambivert but never heard the term until
today.

~~~
bluekite2000
Have you read a book called To sell is human? The author goes in depth on
this.

------
Irregardless
After reading the first paragraph, I thought he was about to announce a new
startup that helps individual travelers find each other to plan group
excursions around the world.

I left disappointed :/

~~~
EGreg
We have that startup :)

But it's mostly for people to help plan things locally and spontaneously. And
we keep track of people saying yes and then no.

It's called Groups.

------
zx2c4
Fuck it, I'll do it live.

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_HyZ5aW76c>

------
antoaravinth
I felt that I wrote this article. This is my exact though process too.

------
Zarathust
I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul

------
chris_wot
Footloose and fancyfree- try that with kids :-)

