
Being alone - neodude
http://jessepollak.me/doing-things-alone/
======
fit2rule
One of the best things I've ever done for myself is pack up and move to
another country - just to get out of the cultural bubble we all get wrapped up
in. Culture is nothing but a bunch of lies; when you shift from one to the
other and give yourself a reset, you see just how much this brings to bear on
the individual. Eventually, dealing with a foreign language and strange people
can be quite enlightening, if you treat the exercise as a means of
rejuvenating your ability to respect the peace and quiet you'll get, at least
for the first year.

I've done it a couple times now, having no real affinity with national
identity, but I sure do love the cooking and language I've managed to collect.
And finally, real experience with the people of the world, not just My Own
Team™ ..

~~~
danpat
This absolutely mirrors my own experience.

~~~
sdfjkl
Mine as well. It will change you for live, and from my experience meeting
other expats, I think for the better. You get a whole new perspective on both
origin and destination countries. Even if you go back after a few years,
you'll be changed.

No, going somewhere on holiday for a few weeks/months is not the same. You
have to live and make a living there.

------
ibejoeb
> I might stand in a corner by myself staring awkwardly at my phone

Word of advice to anyone who might be anxious going out alone: don't bring
your phone. If you're just going to distract yourself with it because you feel
less awkward, you might as well stay home, because you're depriving yourself
of the opportunity to notice what's going on. If you just go and actually pay
attention, there will be opportunities to participate.

\---

I want to amend this because I feel like it might come across as a little
hostile, but that's not the intention. A few points on the reasoning:

* A party will have a host, and it's his job to integrate you. You shouldn't really have to work that hard. Find the host and he'll try to get you involved.

* There are guests that will do the same. If I'm out with a group, I'll happily involve a newcomer.

* Both of these fall apart if you walk in and immediately look disinterested. I'm not going to approach a person on his phone. In my head, he's either temporarily busy or doesn't want to be there, and I'm not going to risk being an ass and interrupting on the off chance that you're just shy. (I've got better ways of looking like an ass.)

If you can't resist the temptation to delve into your phone, you're not
genuinely putting yourself out there.

~~~
sdfjkl
I'd probably need my phone just to be able to find the place.

~~~
saraid216
So turn it off and stow it when you get there.

------
tazjin
Stopped reading after

> Preface: As a white, heterosexual, cis, male, I’m granted, from birth, an
> extraordinary amount of privilege

I wasn't actually aware people outside of the Tumblrverse said things like
that. (Over on Reddit there is /r/TumblrInAction for things like this)

~~~
jskopek
Do you disagree with the author? Depending on where you live, his point is
very valid. As a resident of Canada, I feel that I live in a fairly
progressive, culturally diverse society. Yet even here, I have heard friends
of different ethnicities complain about racial issues.

Not all racial or gender divisions are obvious; exclusion or denial of
privilege is harder to spot.

~~~
Stealth-
As another resident of Canada, I have to completely disagree with you.

I have to pay $20,000 for my schooling. My first nations friends pay nothing,
it's covered by tax payers. This includes numerous other benefits that I do
not get. In Canada, unfortunately it can often seem like the minority have
more privileges. That's not equality, to me.

~~~
shinratdr
And all they had to do to get that was to be ripped from their homes and
placed into residential schools, which existed into the 60s. What a sweet
deal!

This smacks of tremendous ignorance of the history of First Nations people and
what white Canadians have done to them. It's possibly the most concrete
demonstration of white privilege I've ever seen.

"Well gee, I'm just a simple guy, but I don't think trying to balance out the
horrible things that people of my race did to people of another race well into
the 1900s that irreversibly affected their communities ability to survive is
all that fair if I don't get those things too!"

It's all well and good to want a level playing field, but when you've spend
the last century digging everyone else into gigantic holes, it kind of rings a
little hollow.

~~~
Stealth-
Growing up in a poorer neighbourhood, the native friends I had were able to
play football, have school lunches, go on fieldtrips, and go to university
when I could not because they were paid for with tax payers' dollars.

My grandparents were not even in this country at the time, it was not my
ancestors nor me that hurt anyone. So _I_ should have less because of what
someone with the same skin colour as me did decades ago? Doesn't that seem a
little, I don't know, discriminatory?

~~~
shinratdr
> the native friends I had were able to play football, have school lunches, go
> on fieldtrips, and go to university when I could not because they were paid
> for with tax payers' dollars.

I don't know where you live but in Toronto with the exception of university
tuition, all those things are provided for children that can't afford them
regardless of their background. The concept of not letting a child go on a
field trip or go hungry at lunch because they couldn't afford it is just
insane to my ears.

> My grandparents were not even in this country at the time, it was not my
> ancestors nor me that hurt anyone.

Good thing this has little or nothing to do with punishing the descendants of
those who may or may not have perpetrated injustice. It's about providing a
leg-up to those that have been held down for decades. You had no such
disadvantages so you don't receive the leg up.

> Doesn't that seem a little, I don't know, discriminatory?

Providing benefits to anyone while excluding anyone else is technically
discrimination. That's doesn't make it bad. Not all things are equal. It's
discrimination that students pay less than you to take the subway. Also
discrimination, also not a bad thing.

~~~
cobrausn
_Providing benefits to anyone while excluding anyone else is technically
discrimination. That 's doesn't make it bad. Not all things are equal. It's
discrimination that students pay less than you to take the subway. Also
discrimination, also not a bad thing._

Except for that it's discrimination based on need and not race.

~~~
shinratdr
Sometimes race correlates to need. In the case of First Nations peoples in
Canada, it very much does.

~~~
cobrausn
So, agreeing that race can (in some cases) be a good predictor of need, we can
agree that the opposite is not true? Case in point, the OP had need, but got
no help because he was the 'wrong' race. If your goal is to create lasting
racial division and engender feelings of racial inequality and unfairness,
race-based discrimination (in the form of benefits) seems to do the trick -
here we are, years later, and it still bothers him.

------
dkokelley
I have a technique for when I'm alone in a large social setting. Find other
alone people. It's not hard to spot them if you're looking, and in most cases
they will appreciate the friendliness.

This works especially well in a situation like a networking event or large
party where it is unlikely that attendees will know everyone else.

~~~
josefresco
"It's not hard to spot them if you're looking"

This scares the shit out of the socially awkward or those the article is
referring to. When entering a situation where I know almost no one, I always
try to comfort myself by repeating things like "not everyone is looking at
you" and "you are just like everyone else here".

However often times I take your advice and seek out other seemingly alone
people and you're right, they're usually easy to spot .. if you're looking.

~~~
rcknight
Both of these statements can be true ... if you specifically look around for
people who are by themselves, they are easy to spot ... but the majority of
people are not looking!

------
birken
I feel this is something that happens when people work at startups, especially
early stage ones. There is such pressure to work with your small team and put
all your time and effort into this startup (like all of the people who brag
about working 80 or 100 weeks --- or the OP mentioning taking a nap at the
office on friday night), that you are really sacrificing opportunity to build
or maintain friendships with a wider group of people. There is nothing wrong
with having 3 friends and doing a lot of stuff alone, however it also doesn't
have to be that way if you don't want it to be.

Do you have any old college buddies who live in SF? Email them and ask to meet
up for a beer. If you are interested in dating, go on okcupid. If you like
playing sports, join an intramural sports team. If you like bar trivia, just
go to your local trivia night and find a team of random people to join. All of
these things take time and effort, but they will result in a larger, more
diverse, group of friends.

The truth is this is probably negative value for ones startup. Giving 100% of
your effort to a startup will probably make it more successful than giving it
80%. But you only get one life, and perhaps more friends and a less successful
startup might make somebody happier.

~~~
jessepollak
This is complicated for me because I'm not 21 just yet, so I bars and dating
are often out. And all my college friends are still in school, so those
friends don't exist yet. :)

Regardless, the point still stands: finding balance is important.

Really, although I didn't explicitly say it when I wrote this, this piece was
a lot about finding that balance. For the first time in awhile, I broke away
from the people I spend 99% of my time with. I started out alone and lonely,
but by the end it wasn't so bad anymore. I wasn't constrained by the
settings/people/activities that I've become so used to. I went to the Watsi
party, I did a scavenger hunt with strangers, and I made a bunch of new
friends. It was refreshing.

~~~
birken
That is great. That is basically the point I am trying to make, which is that
you should allocate some percentage of your time and energy to meet new
people, which I think in particular in the startup world is not necessarily
encouraged as much as it should be. However it sounds like you are well on
your way :)

------
johnrob
I've come to enjoy many aspects of going out in the world alone (most are
simply the effect of removing the 'distraction' of company):

\- Much greater awareness of other people and surroundings.

\- Great opportunity to take stock of what is good/bad in your life (for some
reason it's easier to do this outside the house).

\- Bursts of creativity (hint: this is a great way to fight writer's block).

These are just the ones I can think of at the moment. One piece of advice for
anyone who feels self conscious when alone: since everyone else is amongst
friends, they probably won't even notice you. We naturally assume our
increased awareness (due to being alone!) is shared by everyone around us -
that's not the case though.

~~~
jrs99
you could easily have known someone that left early.

------
jyrkesh
Can't really comment on the startup side of things seeing as I'm still in
university, but having recently done an internship in a town where I knew no
one and going back to school and moving into a place with no roommates for the
first time, I've been forced into environments where absolutely no one is
encouraging me to go out or meet people or have fun. It's unbelievably easy to
stay in and watch Netflix, have a couple beers, and stay inside. Having a
large house to myself every single night (after a long bout of having many
roommates), I often feel relaxed to be away from everyone, but it can also be
very stifling: the silence, the lack of movement, the lack of anything but
noise through headphones.

I'm typically very busy during the day, so nightlife is my primary means of
social activity. When I show up to parties, it's usually alone, and that's
something I've had to adjust to. I go to bars, often alone, and I turn my
phone off and strike up conversations. At first, it's incredibly difficult,
but over time it becomes more fun. Over the summer, this culminated in my
attending multiple music festivals where I spent a majority of the day having
a blast in a group of complete strangers, most of whom I will likely never see
again. But that's now a shared experience that I never would have just
watching Netflix.

One of the most interesting things I've noticed, though, is the reaction
others have when I tell them I go to parties or bars by myself (or even to
dinner or to movies alone). They're taken aback, and they almost try to
marginalize you as some sort of loner. I have plenty of very close friends,
and I do my best to spend time with them, but embracing being alone has almost
made me less alone in many cases.

~~~
sblawrie
'One of the most interesting things I've noticed, though, is the reaction
others have when I tell them I go to parties or bars by myself (or even to
dinner or to movies alone). They're taken aback, and they almost try to
marginalize you as some sort of loner.'

I've actually had the opposite experience. Sometimes I'll go to bars by myself
just to hit on girls. When your friends aren't around to watch, it reduces the
downside and fear of rejection.

Usually, if it's going well, I'll tell her I'm there by myself, and they tend
to be impressed I had the confidence to go out by myself and approach them.

~~~
theorique
_Usually, if it 's going well, I'll tell her I'm there by myself, and they
tend to be impressed I had the confidence to go out by myself and approach
them._

Absolutely. People follow your lead.

If your manner suggests that you're ashamed of what you're doing, or that you
think you're doing something 'wrong' or 'awkward', they will believe that.

If your manner suggests that you're engaged in the most normal activity in the
world - being friendly as a human being, going out and interacting with other
human beings - then you will put others at ease and they will be comfortable
and friendly around you.

Now, that's not to say that _everyone_ will think it's normal. But that's OK -
people who find your behavior objectionable or 'strange' are probably not a
very good fit as a friend or a lover.

------
rb2k_
I'll be moving from Germany to Boston in a month, one of the things that I'm
looking forward to is the chance to enjoy this process of "being alone" and
"Pushing back on discomfort".

As much as I enjoy the company of my friends, having complete freedom and no
accountability to anybody also has its advantages :)

That being said, cities like SF/Boston/New York/... make it easy to keep
"alone" from turning into "lonely". I couldn't imagine doing the same in the
far out suburbs.

~~~
lemonberry
Do yourself a favor and visit Portsmouth, NH after you are acclimated to
Boston or just need a reprieve from big city life. It's a smallish city with a
great bar and restaurant scene. If you are into history there are also some
wonderful opportunities to explore as well. Be warned, however, New
Englander's can come off cold compared to people from other parts of the
country. We make great friends but it takes awhile to get there.

~~~
replicatorblog
Are you based in Portsmouth? I'm a fellow Granite State techie, always excited
to hear of others!

~~~
lemonberry
I live in Wakefield but have worked in Portsmouth for a long time and spend
most of my time there. Just breaking into the tech sector now. I'm a big fan
of New Hampshire and New England in general.

------
Nilzor
What does he mean with "When we’re alone, we’ve been conditioned by society to
believe that we should stay alone."? I waiting for an explanation in the
article but it never came

------
spennino
Now no one has an excuse not to come to the next Watsi / Teespring party!

~~~
allforJesse
New trend: Deep thinking must be done at parties. But by yourself.

------
themoonbus
This reads like a talk that someone would give at orientation in college...
does the tech community in SF really need this much help socializing?

~~~
Yhippa
I am thinking the same things. At some point you have to make friends from
scratch. They aren't just given to you.

As for the "doing things alone" I've noticed that people don't like doing
that. Traveling, going to see a movie, or attending an event all seem to be
things that have a stigma attached to doing them solo.

~~~
fotbr
People (in general) don't like OTHER people doing that. They assume that the
person going solo is lonely, sad, and is generally someone to be pitied,
mocked, or both. The stigma is not attached by the people going solo, it's
attached by everyone else.

~~~
smacktoward
Assuming that's true -- so what? Who cares what a bunch of people you'll never
see or talk to again in your life think about you?

It's like Eleanor Roosevelt said (more or less:
[http://quoteinvestigator.com/2011/03/30/not-
inferior/](http://quoteinvestigator.com/2011/03/30/not-inferior/)): _" No one
can make you feel inferior without your consent."_

Not doing something you want to do because "they'll all laugh at me" is you
giving your consent to being made to feel inferior. Their opinion only matters
because _you make it matter_ , by caring about it enough to let it stop you
from doing something you want to do.

You may feel like their opinion puts shackles around your ankles, but really
the shackles only exist in your mind. Stop believing in them and they
disappear.

~~~
jabbernotty
> Their opinion only matters because you make it matter, by caring about it
> enough to let it stop you from doing something you want to do.

I disagree. If enough people in your community say that you are unwanted, you
will become unwanted.

------
Touche
> When alone in a sea of strangers, no such frameworks exist, so change is
> easier — we can experiment with who we are and how we act. We can construct
> a new identity framework for every new conversation we have. We can try
> being someone else.

This is very true, and why I find myself most comfortable around people I
don't know, especially if there is no expectation that I'm going to ever talk
to them again. It's very freeing to be able to be your absolute self with no
baggage or expectations.

Whenever I'm around friends I've had since high school I find myself acting
very different than I normally do, in order to maintain that identity
framework I've built for them. It takes a little while to slide into that
identity but once I do I'm fairly comfortable.

I really struggle around casual acquaintances. I just don't know what to say
to these people. We already know each other well enough, but without a desire
to become close friends with them you're stuck simply refreshing each other on
what you've been up to.

------
robertnealan
A few summers back I opted to ride my bike back to San Francisco from
Washington DC rather than fly. Everyone thought it was crazy to do it alone
(and I secretly agreed), but in reality it was one of the best decisions I
ever made. Over those 2 1/2 months I met countless people, slept on numerous
strangers' couches, and made more friends than any other period of my life
(several of whom I still keep in regular contact). It was awkward and it was
comfortable, but it was an experience I'd encourage anybody interested to
take.

Like Jesse said, acting Y around someone whose used to you acting X can cause
reason for concern and alarm. When you're alone you don't have those
checks/balances and can really evaluate who you are without the boundaries
that persist in your normal social circle. "Aloneness" can be uncomfortable
and confusing, but rewarding if you manage to wade through it all.

On the flipside I regretfully now tend to cause awkward situations by being
too casual with people I've just met. Whoops?

------
iamleppert
While reading this I couldn't help but feel sorry for this guy. What a
depressing and uninspiring life to pour all your energy into one thing and at
the same time sacrifice some of the best years of your life. For what? A
start-up and the promise of becoming rich or tech famous?

We are all social creatures. The inability to be social is most definitely a
problem, and leading a lifestyle that deprives you of a stimulating, diverse
group of friends is damaging and unsustainable.

I'm happy this guy ventured out into an unfamiliar social situation. People
are often afraid of doing stuff like this because they think it will be
uncomfortable. And, indeed, sometimes it is. However, that doesn't mean you
need to become anti-social.

------
lemonberry
Good for you for breaking out of your comfort zone. It's not easy to do. But
with practice just about anything gets easier. I'm naturally very social and
"good with people" so this is rarely a problem I experience. I have, however,
coached friends on interacting with others. A few points to consider for
anyone that finds social interactions difficult: 1\. breathe - sounds so
obvious, but people tense up 2\. listen 2\. ask questions of others and be
interested 3\. listen 4\. humility - don't try to impress everyone

Again, nice work for getting out there.

------
pearjuice
I come to HN for intriguing, inspiring and educative news/items followed by
proper discussion. For the life of me I fail to comprehend why this diary-
blog-post managed to get, at the time of writing, 144 points and still not
have a [dead] tag prepended to it. This is Hacker News. Not Tumblr-privilege-
core. The only thing related to HN I could find in that entire article was
Watsi. And then even that was taken downhill by appending "party" to it.

~~~
DanBC
Social isolation and difficulty in meeting people are going to be problems for
some people on HN.

> For the life of me I fail to comprehend [...]

You just failed to spot the market opportunity, the problem that people have
that needs to be solved.

------
forsaken
A fantastic video along the same lines:
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs)

------
nowarninglabel
As a socially awkward individual, I couldn't think of a better place to get
out in public then at Watsi / Teespring / Goldbelly HQ. Chase, Netta, Grace,
and the whole Watsi team are super awesome people and passionate about what
they are doing. At their office warming party they had an office naming
contest which got people talking/connected, have to wonder what ended up being
the winning name?

~~~
gracegarey
My favorite was Noplu (North of Plum) but the debate rages on :)

------
Demiurge
So, is Twitter or Facebook the only way to get randomly invited to a party
with your social compatibility? Is privacy equivalent to aloneness nowdays?

------
nutela
Very good write up. Esp. about the identies framework. When you are feeling
not really yourself it's time to explore! Best is when the sence of self
dissapears, look how many friends you make then :-)

------
mrwnmonm
i have a problem with people also, i have something like a thread running
trying to analysing everything the other person is saying but not in a normal
way, i just don't feel comfort, it like a threat i should defend by thinking
very quickly, anyone else have this problem?

------
epsylon
> Aloneness is not loneliness

Isn't "aloneness" what English-speaking people usually call solitude?

------
Adamantite
If you're a participant of social media, namely Twitter or Facebook,
reciprocating with people on the Internet, you run a popular blog, and you're
the guy on this page by the same name:
[https://getclef.com/company](https://getclef.com/company)

You're not alone. You're privileged. You probably don't even know what real
loneliness is. You're just a hipster who thinks they're alone, so you can
write a blog post about it and get views. I doubt there are any actual lonely
people in San Francisco or Oakland who work at a start up. After all, isn't
that why you moved there despite how expensive it is? It's a glorious hub of
youth and social activity, that's why you moved there. Don't bullshit with
real loneliness.

~~~
wbobeirne
> You're not alone. You're privileged. You probably don't even know what real
> loneliness is.

Did you even read the article? He addresses your first point in the beginning,
and your second point at the end of the article. No bullshitting here.

