
Ask HN: I have no friends. How do I fix myself? - yurisshadow
I have no friends and that bothers me to the point of depression (in the colloquial sense). I am considered &quot;difficult&quot; to deal with and my few, past friends were almost as &quot;difficult&quot;. The loss of my last such friend was the tipping point at which I decided to look for help. So here I am, stuck, looking for advice, literature and maybe online support groups. I want to understand what is going on with me, where I am on the mental map and what my options are before I dump all my money on psychotherapy (with no social network my savings is my only security).<p>My background: I am cis male, mid 40s, the oldest child, mixed ethnic background, long-term single and currently work in strategy for a large IT company. My parents kept relocating throughout my early childhood which, I read, are the formative years of social skills. As a child I withdrew to books and other solitary activities. In school I was bullied a lot and found &quot;Ender&#x27;s Game&quot;-style violence to be an answer. Relations with my parents are complicated; we can&#x27;t find ways to express our love. I don&#x27;t talk to my syblings. I find small talk excruciating and have low tolerance for anything I can&#x27;t find purpose in. I enjoy tet-a-tetes but hate groups. My place is a mess which I do not mind. I work out a lot and am health-conscious. I have no patience for details. I am a serial job hopper because after a few months I end up having poisoned both my social and professional context beyond repair. Finding employment used to be easy because I mastered the interview game. I enjoy the thrill of interviewing, the validation of receiving an offer, handing in my resignation, moving to a new place and starting a new life. But lately I am becoming sloppy in interviews, making mistakes, being too sure of myself and consequently not getting offers. The realisation creeps up my spine that I am losing the one game I was good at, which was my escape from reality and that I might be stuck here forever.
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elmerfud
It seems like you're very self aware and also self centered. Read exactly what
you wrote out loud and record yourself. Then play it back. Ask yourself then
if this is a person you could establish a friendship with.

We as a society have become increasingly self-centered and our
friendships/relationships have become very thin and hollow. I don't think most
people have the self evaluation skills you seem to possess. If the actions
you're taking don't lead to the outcomes you desire then you must change your
actions. That's a simple statement that's difficult to achieve.

I would suggest finding a therapist may help you understand and view what
changes could be made. Life is about balance, you must give and receive in a
friendship. They cannot be your friend solely on your terms. If you want that
kind of friend, generally you pay them and you're left with a hollow
friendship.

In general if you be the friend you want, and you make yourself available in
social situations you'll find friends.

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yurisshadow
Thanks elmerfud. Submissions are limited in length, otherwise I would have
touched that topic as well. I enjoy giving tremendously, but people don't take
what I have to offer. I frequently offer help to colleagues at work ("nah
thanks, I'll manage"), offer people rides ("rain is good for my skin"), help
when moving flats ("I got a moving company") and listen to their problems (a
bit less so on account of being impatient). Surprisingly nobody declined money
yet, with a few recent instances because of covid19...

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AnimalMuppet
Skip the online advice. Seriously, look for a counselor/therapist. (Take
online advice as to how to find a good one, maybe...)

