
On Tinder, Off Sex - kareemm
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/10/18/fashion/on-tinder-off-sex.html
======
zyxley
> I found the profile of a man whose name is probably Matt and told him I’m
> new to this Tinder thing and asked him how it works.

> "You match with a bunch of people, no one ever messages each other, and no
> one ever has sex," he responded.

Sounds like the average male experience on any dating site or app.

~~~
smikhanov
When I was single that was exactly my experience; I'm probably just a very
average-looking guy with no exceptional talents. But few weeks ago an article
from Vanity Fair ([http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/2015/08/tinder-hook-up-
cul...](http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/2015/08/tinder-hook-up-culture-end-
of-dating)) was describing Tinder as an endless supply of sex for whoever
cared to tap into it.

I tend to think that VF piece is completely fictional nonsense.

~~~
carsongross
Men and women, on average, have dramatically different experiences in an open
sexual marketplace: a few men are having quite a lot of sex, many women are
having a fair amount of sex, and quite a few men are having very little sex.
This is consistent with an underlying ugly darwinian dynamic: a single
dominant male can produce thousands of children, while a single female can
produce perhaps ten.

So for a few men and most women, the VF article is reasonably accurate.

------
tuxidomasx
It used to be the case that hooking up with strangers was assumed to be the
whole point of using Tinder. Nobody was really trying to find a life partner
on there.

Nowadays, I feel like women are using it for easy validation, or to find a
variety relationships (friends only, sugar daddys, traditional dating, finding
someone to marry, etc). Which explains the "not looking for hookups / one
night stands" that appear in a non-trivial percent of profiles now.

On the other hand, I think most male users are still there mostly looking for
quick hookups.

Women are using Tinder for different reasons than they did a few years ago,
and its increasing the signal to noise ratio for the hookup crowd.

------
moron4hire
Maybe she just needs fewer friends who are so judgy.

Before I got married, I generally went 2 or 3 years between sexual partners.
There wasn't any particular reason. I _wanted_ to have sex during that time,
but I _didn 't_ want to put the necessary effort in to make such a thing
happen. I just didn't care enough.

Much in the same way that I like watching baseball, would like to watch more
baseball, but don't have baseball on television at home and don't care enough
to get my ass down to the bar to watch any games, even during the playoffs.

It's okay to have sex. It's okay to not have sex.

That said, I've always found that any sort of dissatisfaction in my life has
been due to me going to the same, old, wrong wells for where I thought I
should find the things I wanted. If you keep doing the same thing while
expecting different results... well, we know what that's about. My wife and I
eventually got together after I stopped hanging out in bars so much and
started making friends with other people who had more going on in their lives
than hanging out in bars all the time.

------
facepalm
I think it's fairly common to go two years without having sex. It's just the
public hype that makes us think everybody else is having sex all the time.

~~~
JoeAltmaier
Just like how every grocery store checkout lane goes faster than yours! Its
simple statistics. You are one; there are N more lanes. What is the chance
that yours is the faster one? Small.

Recent discussion revolved around how your friends have more friends than you,
on average. Similar argument (super-frienders have lots of friends; you are
likely connected to one, and unlikely to be one).

So, actually, everybody else is likely having more sex than you. Its just
statistics.

------
scythe
>I bought a bottle of Larceny bourbon the night before in preparation and had
consumed half before he arrived.

Ali Rachel Pearl, you have a drinking problem.

No, seriously: I double-dog dare you, 'Hacker, reading this, to drink half a
bottle of bourbon before you reply.

~~~
nicolewhite
> I quit drinking because I have a problem with alcohol.

------
Mz
I enjoyed this. But, then, I am a woman who has been celibate for a long time,
and not because that's how I "want" it to be. It just is.

I don't think the article has much to do with Tinder. I happen to like it, I
am just not sure why it is on HN. I really don't think it has any particular
relevance to Tinder. It is a nice piece about someone who is where they are
and ridiculous suggestions by other people to try x, y or z and just FIX IT
are simply not working. Sometimes that happens. And a dating app (or hook up
app?) doesn't fix whatever is causing it, because "meeting people" is not the
issue.

There are deeper issues here. She admits that.

------
EC1
After reading this article I still haven't the faintest idea what I read.
Tinder? Make your intentions clear, wrap it up in a few messages. Go get laid.
End of story.

Sex is infinitely easier for women than it is men.

~~~
the_mitsuhiko
> Sex is infinitely easier for women than it is men.

I think that's very wrong if for no other reason taht if all you want is
unqualified sex then you can get a prostitute of which there are many more
females than males, so it should by that measure alone be easier for men.

~~~
sp332
That's illegal in most of the US. (Someone asked a cop if he knew the best
places to pick up hookers. He said no, he only knew the best places to get
busted for it.)

~~~
the_mitsuhiko
Fair enough, it's very different here.

------
kephra
The thing I wonder about her: She did not had sex for two years, and still
wants to continue taking the pill, to be available anytime to men who are to
stupid to ask (or to smell), if she has the 3 days when French games are
topic.

~~~
moron4hire
There are other reasons to take the pill than just contraception. It works by
giving you a shot of hormones that prevent you from having a normal fertility
cycle. Not having the hassle of periods every month is a big motivator for
some people.

~~~
facepalm
Doesn't it also curb your desire for sex?

~~~
pavel_lishin
It depends on the pill. Different pills have different side effects on
different women; I think most end up working with their doctor and trying
several different kinds before they find one they like.

