
Ask HN: How did you deal with the fact that you were growing old - smithmayowa
Dear middle aged hackernewsers, how did you deal with the fact that you were growing old and leaving your twenties behind, I am asking this cause lately I&#x27;ve been terrified and having panic attacks at the thought that in a few years time(6 years to be exact) I will leave my twenties behind and literally start becoming old, this is even more scary as I remember becoming 20 years old like it happened just last year.<p>To deal with this issue I have resulted to scorning new music&#x27;s and movies, for music&#x27;s and movies which were released 4 to 10 years ago, I am even surprised by the sheer number of movies and music that were made during these period.<p>Also this month will make it exactly a year that I lost my dad, which further makes the thought of me getting old frightening to me as I&#x27;m also kinda scared that getting old will mean I will lose a lot more people close and dear to me.
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KozmoNau7
(I'm 32)

The first thing I came to terms with is that 30 isn't "old". I'm looking at 40
up ahead, and that isn't "old" either.

My parents both turned 60 recently, and even though they're greying slightly,
I honestly don't consider them to be "old". My dad plays drums in a band, they
get booked to play at all kinds of parties locally. He built a practice room
in their house, complete with separate mixing booth and recording facilities.
When they go play, they lug all the gear themselves and set up a stage and
everything.

My mom does realistic movie character doll heads for Barbie-size dolls, sews
clothes for them and builds complete dioramas.

My uncle, who's in his mid-60s and just retired earlier this year sails kayaks
and has built both a beautiful wooden kayak as a birthday present for my aunt,
and he's making another for himself. He's also still active in the regional
dog training club, for over 30 years now.

You get older, but you only get _old_ if you give up and stop doing things you
like, if you get overly conservative and start just complaining about
everything, instead of going out and _doing_ things.

Dude, you're 24! Life is just starting! Get out there and enjoy it! :-)

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a0-prw
51 here ;))

I'm having a lot more fun than when I was 21 ;) Stay healthy, be careful with
your relationships and stop worrying.. There's only one way out and it's the
same for everyone

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shenanigoat
You're 24 and you think like this? If you don't sort out your thinking, you
are headed for a miserable existence. Read the stoics, help people, visit a
senior centre, get out of your head. You are a pup so your flawed thinking is
forgivable and even expected. That youth is wasted on the young used to seem
trite to me but when I read stuff like this I nod at that saying in sad
agreement.

Edit: I will add that I'm 46, at what is statistically the nadir of
contentment. I think about my aging every day and have to reconcile it with
gratitude...this is how all things are reconciled.

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jimholcomb
Growing old at 24? Thanks for the (grand)Father's day laugh.

I’m 63 and “old” has always seemed to be at least 10 years than I am at the
time. I know people my age may say they’re feeling old but inside we (at least
the men) still have a middle school mentality.

~~~
JeanMarcS
I’m only 46 (so a bit younger) but I totally agree.

Yesterday night I was looking at my hairs going more and more gray and thought
« How can that be ? I still feel like I was a student some years ago ! »

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chomp
31 here.

Growing old for me was mostly about accomplishment, "am I doing everything I
want/need to do while I'm still young?"

I mostly am succeeding, have a nice stable career and am a father of one. I
admit that this success was mostly dumb luck and I didn't have any master plan
or list of goals.

You're where I was when I was your age, you might benefit from introspection
to see what you want to get done before you hit age milestones, and go and do
it!

As for the "everything new is dumb bit," yeah that happens to most people. I
encourage you to force yourself to listen to new music and experience current
culture. It's very easy to become ossified over time, and you should grow
older with an open mind about all things.

By the way, I've found that making memories and experiencing new things with
friends and loved ones is the best way to not only slow the passage of time,
but also pacify the thoughts of "oh god I'm getting old." Having a pool of
memories to attach to your age helps your thoughts go from "I am afraid of
getting older" to "I can't wait to see what else I get to do."

~~~
sshine
> 31 here.

> Growing old for me was [...]

You're not old yet.

~~~
chomp
Eyeroll.

Original poster is 20 going on 30 and clearly worried about that milestone,
like I was, like many 20-somethings in the industry that are taught that
young=desirable. Let's not kid ourselves, there's a de facto shelf life for
developers in SV and elsewhere due to current culture, and I think it's a hard
thing to come to terms with. I probably could have chosen better language (and
might be perpetuating the problem due to that language) but drive by comments
that are like "haha you're not old" maybe be "technically right" but don't
really help anyone.

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dfraser992
If you really are having panic attacks about turning 30 (in 6 years??!!), I
would suggest finding a therapist and getting a prescription for Xanax.

Like the other poster says, 60 is not even 'old' if one's attitude is correct.
45 or so, the biology slows down and you really start to feel it, but I've
stopped ruminating (mostly) over all the missed opportunities and risks I did
not take while younger (aka 40), and now have a laundry list of things to do.

Getting older is also nice in that I can more clearly see how Western
civilization is completely full of shit and so I thus get to do what I damn
well please (within the constraints of my ethical system, which is not
pathological like a lot of the 60,70 year old asshole politicians out there
<all of them>)

The sooner you realize exactly how much the West is truly a bunch of nonsense,
the freer a person you will be. be in the world, but not of it. Then you'll
stop being scared of death.

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raguilera
Turning 36 in a month and I agree that sometimes it's hard to cope with the
fact that I'm no longer in my 20's. I don't think it's the fact that i'm aging
as I certainly enjoy the wisdom, the money, the confidence that age has
brought me, it's the increased responsibility that seems to come with age.
People feel the need to constantly ask me (especially family members)
questions like "when are you getting married" "when are you having kids". I
think that's what bugs me about getting old. Feeling the need to settle down
when I don't want to. The thing that I'm working on remembering is that I need
to live life on my own terms and fuck what everyone else is thinking I should
be doing. Same advice I would give to you. Enjoy your life no matter what age
you are and live it at your own pace.

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Protostome
I'm 10 years older than you.

When I was 26 I was dealing with the same questions you're facing now. For me,
it turned into an obsessive compulsive behavior - I had very frequent panic
attacks and was constantly worried about my health (even though I was 100%
healthy).

It was a very dark time for me, and the only thing that helped me was
antidepressants. No therapy, self help books or meditation.

I also discovered that some people have negative opinions about
antidepressants based very limited interaction with it. I tried at least 4-5
different meds until I found that one that works good for me, with minimal
side effects.

Take your mental health seriously, it is as important as your physical health.
Panic attacks are not something that should be ignored. Consult a therapist or
a psychiatrist.

The questions that bother you have no real answer. We're all going to die, and
loose people that are dear to us. The only thing you can control is how you
live with it.

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Daemon6
The issue of death fear was historically(almost allways) solved by religion.
Many people in the last century chose to be de facto atheist, which of course
has its advantages but like the former also disadvantages. There is no
solution to this phenomenon otside of religion.

~~~
KozmoNau7
Religion is absolutely not the only solution.

It's enough to just realize and come to terms with the fact that life
eventually ends, and make sure to have fun while it lasts. Especially when the
alternative is religion.

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gyvastis
Everyone is getting older, not just you. That's just the course of life. There
are beautiful things in life and at the same time scary, unpleasant or even
heart-breaking. It's just the balance we need to understand and respect.
There's not something we can do about it. We need to appreciate the life to
it's fullest with all its flaws and joys. Don't judge yourself or keep a
grudge on things you cannot change. It will wear you out and you won't reach
any resolution. Of course, it might sound easier said than done. Though you'd
be doing yourself a favor spending more time with people you love and
cherishing every day you have with them instead of throwing yourself into this
void. Accept things that you cannot change and use that saved energy to spread
good and enjoying life in general. I myself have similar moments and it
sometimes seems unbearable but I really try to step back a little and observe
my thoughts as much as I can. 99% of the time I'm just being too emotional and
life, in general, is not as bad as it seems. Many people have it worse so
appreciate what you have and live a life that fills you and your loved ones
with joy. Don't worry about the number on your passport.

~~~
KozmoNau7
And remember to enjoy things while you're doing them, instead of always being
in a rush to the next thing.

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the-peter
I started my own company as a 'lifestyle business' not a Unicorn-moonshot.
This means I make a consistent healthy profit which I get to bring home, I
make my own hours so I can take a day to see my kid's play or go rock climbing
with my friends. But this business will never attract VC funding or grow to a
billion dollars.

I also took up rock-climbing at the age of 46, loved it and now spend as much
time as I can trad-climbing up in the mountains. This keeps me healthy strong
and sane.

At 24 you seem like a kid to me. The difference between our ages is larger
than your age. If you're feeling an existential crisis now what the hell are
you going to do when you're 50?

Relax. You're not knocking on death's-door. It's a marathon not a sprint. You
have no idea what great things and big challenges are ahead of you.

Make a bucket-list and start living. I recently found my old bucket-list from
my 20s and am happily surprised at how many things I've done from the list:
scuba-diving, having a family, starting my own company, making a million etc.

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emmanuel_1234
35 here.

If not for the physical aspect of it (better take care of your body now,
because it doesn't get easier), my experience of growing old is pretty
awesome.

You get cool perks like seniority and respect just because you don't look like
a kid anymore. Even though you think it's mostly the same "you" than in your
20s, people, mostly rightly, assume you're wiser and more trustworthy.

That translated, at least to me, into getting more money and less shit for
roughly the same amount of work, less need to prove my worth and all in all a
chiller life. Money is a lot less an issue than it was before, meaning I don't
stress about that much anymore (definitely not the case for everyone, but I
would gamble it is for most of the HN crowd). A lot of things that were
sources of stress are now under control or in the DGAF category (money, women,
career, ...) and I can focus on more interesting parts (family, the meaning of
life, everything).

10/10, would grow older again.

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RickJWagner
Wow, this post gives me perspective.

I'm 53 this year, and I welcome the next few years ahead as I look forward to
retirement. (I hope it's as good as I think it will be.) I don't recall ever
feeling anxiety about an upcoming birthday. I guess I'd credit that to:

\- A long-game mindset, mostly. Max out your retirement plan, save in tax-
advantaged ways. You'll love to project your balances thinking forward. (You
won't dread the years ahead.)

\- Come to grips with your mortality. There are a lot of ways to do this, mine
mostly has to do with religion. Find some way that works for you. Don't be
afraid of death, learn to accept it.

\- Find a good partner to age with. Go for a 'keeper' marriage and put in the
proper maintenance.

Good luck!

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acconrad
It's life. I can't put it a better way. You can either accept what life has
given you or you can fight it. And fighting it is fufile anyway. Embrace that
you are getting older and do your best to be the best person you can be every
day.

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0x4f3759df
Many of the downsides about 'being old' can be staved off with proper diet,
fitness, (don't smoke, don't do drugs) moderate alcohol, and some common sense
like don't destroy your knees with running. If you are fortunate by the time
you are old you will have wisdom and grandchildren.

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yskristiawan
I have only one rule for that: never think that you are old. Accept everything
(physical changes) as it is & never compare yourself with the "old" you.

Well, maybe that's not exactly one (rule)...

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codewritinfool
51 here. My mind hasn't changed. I think more before I speak. I listen more.
My body hurts a bit sometimes and takes longer to heal, but basically
everything is just better.

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gorbachev
There is no need to "deal" with it. You're the same person you were yesterday,
just a little wiser and a little slower.

Take care of your health and enjoy life.

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meric
I think if you have a kid later on you'd worry less about growing old and more
about making sure your kid grows old.

