
Ask HN: How do you practice social soft skills in real life? - antonpuz
I currently read &quot;how to make friends and influence people&quot;, this and many other soft-skills books&#x2F;trainings offer concepts and ideas of how one should act in a business&#x2F;social conversations.<p>I always struggle with applying those concepts in real life, I cannot stop and think about what is the most appropriate reaction for a situation and I quickly forget and get overwhelmed with concepts and ideas from the book.<p>How did you apply similar concepts in real-life scenarios, and what ideas worked best for you?
======
giantg2
I got a weekend job at Lowes. It was good because it's basically the opposite
of software dev. You stand, walk, move things, help people get the right stuff
for their project, and talk to people.

~~~
diablerouge
I wish I could push this post higher - I have worked a few customer service
positions (tutor while in university, cashier at a little natural foods store)
and I found both of those positions really flexed my social skills and have
made my life much easier in myriad ways (job interviews, to pick a big one.)

~~~
giantg2
I actually got the job at Lowes because I went to it as a sort of practice
interview. I was looking for a job as a security guard (armed guards make
double what I made at Lowes), but the positions I was offered were all about
the same pay (unarmed guards don't get paid much). I think part of the reason
I did well in the interview is because I was relaxed from thinking of it as a
practice interview. This definitely helped me in interviews that I've had
since.

Even though the pay was only $10 an hour and I was working 40+ hours at my
main job plus 16-20 hours at Lowes, I really enjoyed my job at Lowes. It was
much nicer than my software dev job - lower stress, less politics, no pressure
to move up or meet some unobtainable metric, and the managers actually
understood the work. It's almost like managers who have MBAs focus more on the
metrics (output) and less on outcomes and the people.

------
pastrami_panda
Since almost everyone mentioned some form of listening, I will add this: dare
to laugh. A lot. It's so relaxing and nice to spend time with people that
realize that when you're socializing it's one of the rare and almost sacred
times when we can just goof around and have fun. Having a laugh ready to fire
off will spread like wildfire in a circle of people you're interacting with.
You might feel that it's contrived at first, but then after 30 minutes you'll
laugh genuinely along with everyone else and people in that circle will loosen
up immensely. I don't know why we're so conditioned to have small talk at hand
whenever, but a laugh at hand at whenever is almost unheard of. I dunno, I
might live in a boring country.

~~~
Micoloth
I don’t know what country you are from, in my country laughing is never a
thing people are supposed to not do.

On the other hand, since it was always very not natural for me, i’ve used this
strategy (basically laughing on command- that is, actually, fake laughing) for
many of my teenage years, and it has taken several years and much thought for
me to realize that it was making me really miserable.

Now i tend more towards not forcing myself to do anything that wouldn’t be
natural from me, and this has made me much more satisfied with myself (even
if, sure, simply growing up would have that effect anyway..)

If what you are actually saying is you are naturally wired to laugh a lot and
you were actually restraining yourself, well then sure, but then also i’m sure
you never had much soft skills problems...

~~~
pastrami_panda
I hear you, but I will persist in the point I was trying to make. Laughing
takes warmup. You might hear an excellent joke and not even snicker at it, but
given the proper mindset where you're attentive to the setup, the expectation,
and you're just caught off guard, it's so nice to be able to enjoy that
moment. It's easily missed.

------
toddmclaughlin
I've found the first step to any self-development project is observation.

Give yourself a free pass for a few weeks or a few months. Your only job:
observe yourself.

Observe yourself getting nervous. Overwhelmed. Awkward. Behaving in a way that
seems unnatural.

Journal what you find. Journal how you feel when you find yourself in these
different situations.

You will feel like an idiot when you do this. That it's a waste of time. This
process isn't intuitive, but it is life-changing if you're willing to be
honest with yourself.

If you take this seriously, you'll find that most of your fears and
awkwardness and inhibitions are the result of past experiences, more
specifically, your perceptions of past experiences.

If you can develop the stomach to live in reality, you will be on the cusp of
real life change.

Once you've taken an inventory of where you're at, you can begin to implement
the things you're learning.

~~~
anm89
Very well written!

------
woodandsteel
Former interpersonal skills trainer here.

The comments have a lot of good suggestions. I would like to reinforce the
emphasis on listening, and the idea of practicing one skill until you have it
down, and then moving on to another. Also it is good to take a training course
where you actually practoce the skills under the guidance of a teacher.

Also it is good to think afterwards about an interaction that went good or
bad, reviewing as close to word-for-word if you can, and see what you can
learn that you can use in the future. Also think of situations you have a hard
time handling and see if you can think of how the skills you are learning can
help, and again plan out what you might say word-for-word, and run though it a
number of times, maybe even out loud, to make it more automatic.

------
cafard
1\. Talk less, listen more.

2\. In the listening, include listening to yourself. Do you repeat yourself
(verbatim, or patterns) in ways that will quickly or eventually bore those you
talk with?

3\. Engage in low-stakes interactions. Join a softball team or running group
or work at a dinner program, so that you are around other people but the focus
is not about being around other people.

Anyway, that's how it looks to me.

------
vsskanth
Volunteer somewhere that involves interaction with people.

Host or participate in meetups for something you're really into.

Don't worry about what others think of you or making someome happy. Just
listen to people and help without expecting anything in return.

------
CharismaCoach
1\. Adopt a mind script that every conversation you have will be brilliant
experience for you. You can say this to yourself before you even begin talking
to anyone.

2\. Once you've done the hardest part (said anything, even 'hi') take a moment
to think about what you did well and how you can celebrate yourself.

3\. The emotions you inject into the conversation (tip: smile as you speak)
sets the expectation for others to follow. If you're enjoying yourself, others
will do...but it sometimes takes them a little while to warm up.

4\. It's easy to mistake a lukewarm/ muted response for rejection. Most of the
time it is NOT. The other person is just trying to work out who you are and
what you want. During this time, smile, stay upbeat. They'll come round.

5\. Avoid asking questions, which is everyone's polite 'go to'. Instead, make
statements. It takes more effort but it helps express yourself. "You look
fun!" "That looks interesting!" will inject more emotion than asking a
question. (Hint: when statements become easy you can ask questions again).

6\. What on earth do you talk about? Yourself. You need to maintain a
conversation to get it going (and the other person on board). Rather than say
"that drink looks yum" say "i'm thirsty...and choosing is difficult for me
because I'm a software engineer...but that drink looks yum". This helps you
share a little more about you and explains why you're making a statement in
the first place.

7\. Have a genuine reason to actually talk to people. What's the best reason?
Curiosity. Even if you're bored and lonely, say that. "Hi! I'm bored eating my
lunch by myself so I thought i'd come say hi for a moment"

Source: I run this site/ youtube www.yourcharismacoach.com

------
jrott
The biggest thing for me is to gently check if I’m drifting in a conversation
and to make sure that I’m actually listening to what the other person is
saying.

------
poormystic
Firstly it seems to me that I need to be true to myself. Your post has
reminded me that there are others who try to evoke some particular responses
in others by manipulating their own behaviour, which for me amounts to flying
a false flag. Perhaps some people are better fit to carry out deception than
others. I personally have not wanted to bring myself to such methods. Yet I
know that many people achieve what seems to be success in life through such
tactics. Obviously I'll never be rich. Yet I have wonderful friends because
the soft, gentle ways of kindness are not the leading edge of a greedy
riposte, but genuinely lead on to... simply more of the same. I never have to
wonder what is the most appropriate reaction for a situation because I just do
as I feel. I have real riches!

------
austincheney
> I always struggle with applying those concepts

Soft skills are best practiced in forced situations, such as management and
conflict resolution. Learning these concepts isn’t going to happen so long as
you remain in situations where there is low friction from avoiding people or
decisions.

------
dave_sid
Now that you’ve read the book just stop thinking about it. Maybe pick it back
up once in a while. You’ll apply the ideas to some extent without knowing it
and this way it will be natural and not forced, which is better.

------
bingobongo1
Be genuine and kind instead of engineering situations.

~~~
Smaug123
This works for people who naturally have good social skills, but as a way of
obtaining practice it seems rather unactionable - rather like "Step 1: be
attractive; step 2: don't be unattractive".

~~~
bingobongo1
It works for anyone who is honest and considerate of others.

~~~
Smaug123
No: it may work if you are honest (but know when the truth is harmful) and
considerate of others (but are capable of telling when your attention is
harmful). Mere good intention is nowhere near enough.

------
Jugurtha
Succinctly: you can have sensible default reactions so your brain isn't
spinning and the reaction is smooth (think cache). You can take advantage of
low stakes contexts to train, as opposed to trying things in a professional
context where the price may be hefty(think sandbox). Empathy: seeing a
situation from the perspectives of all people involved is _extremely_ useful,
effective, and profitable.

Details and rationale:

There are a _lot_ of common situations. These are situations that either have
a high probability of happening in a context, or happen frequently. Note I
didn't say XOR.

For example, someone complimenting you. A default reaction would be to smile,
and say "thank you". Making eye contact with someone: smile and say Hi/Good
morning.

This will take the load off of your head. Most people I've seen who describe
situations they reacted inappropriately in simply don't have a repertoire or
haven't been around the block. Many people get "weird", in their own words,
during some of the most banal reactions.

Sandbox: practice on the streets. Buying coffee or groceries. Being tactful
and smooth takes practice, and witnessing instances of handling situations.
Leveraging everyday situations to learn more about people and expanding your
comfort zone. For some people, holding a five minute conversation is daunting.
They can practice as they go about their business. The pressure to do that in
the workplace can be unbearable, and inappropriate behavior may be a
consequence of that. Low pressure situ, low stakes.

The empathy part: the ability to predict how a situation or event will be
lived/interpreted/felt by different people is, again, extremely useful. In a
professional context for example, running a decision to be made against
different world corresponding to people will often lead to a pause and
figuring out it ought to be changed because X or Y. In meetings with clients,
it allows to have a loop running where you interpret what something means for
one member or department of the client organization, and how it'll play with
other departments.

Again, this is extremely useful.

Also, as an aside for professional contexts and useful things to do/learn: the
moments before, but mostly after a meeting is over where you chat up the
people who were there are the most valuable. You rally learn things and
information that couldn't/wouldn't be shared because of inhibition or other
factors. People will share fears, apprehend, resentment sometimes, enthusiasm
with you.

------
akg_67
Read more similar books until lessons naturally internalize.

Pick one thing/idea/concept and try to apply intentionally all day in real
life. See when it worked or not.

------
Kooshaba
Become genuinely interested in other people’s lives and journeys. Go into
every interaction thinking “I wonder what I will learn about this person?”

~~~
janbernhart
While listening, ask follow up questions. That is really the easiest way to
make social interactions smooth, get to know people better and make them
appreciate you.

