
Dealing with Loneliness - manojsurya
https://manojsurya.com/loneliness-how-to-identify-and-deal-with-it/
======
pmoriarty
One thing that's helped me is learning to enjoy my own company.

This is a life-long endeavor which is helped by my natural curiosity. I love
going to unfamiliar sections of the library and learning about subjects I
didn't already know.

From this can come hobbies like painting, making music, and writing that don't
require anyone but yourself to do or enjoy.

Reading itself is a marvelous solitary activity which can let me live entire
lives and in different time periods and places from the perspective of
different people, and finding writers who are on the same wavelength as me and
who "get it" is a real treat. Then I feel I'm really communing with thinkers
who've trod the road before and have a lot to teach me, even if we never meet
in person.

The toughest situations are on holidays or weekends when I'm walking by
restaurants, bars, or houses with private parties full of couples or people
who are friends with one another and having a great time. If I'm not focused
on listening to a podcast or music or thinking about something else, and if
I'm in a sad mood, that can sometimes be hard to take.

Fortunately, such situations are relatively rare, and most of the time I enjoy
reading, watching movies, pursuing my hobbies, and learning new things by
myself.

~~~
DarkCrusader2
I have also been doing something similar for a few years to distract myself,
reading, music, podcasts, long running tv shows, smoking weed, taking a longer
route when leaving work on friday which does not have many restaurants/clubs,
you name it.

But it still leaves me feeling empty and unfulfilled. And I can feel the
problem only getting worse gradually. I have started hating the things I used
to love, silence makes me anxious hence I need music pretty the whole time I
am awake. Reading or learning anything new seems pointless since I don't know
what to do with the new found knowledge/skill. The feeling of "no one cares"
amplifies when you are alone. The advise of just "go out more" or "connect
with new people" is not much helpful when you have terrible social anxiety and
never learned to interact with people.

In short, distracting yourself might help in short term, but it is not a
sustainable solution.

~~~
throwaway7uA4
(using throwaway account so I don't have to sanitize what I write)

I can relate to what you write, I also used to feel social anxiety and always
felt (and still sometimes feel) in the wrong place when going out with more
social people.

"Not having learned how to interact with people" is exactly how I often feel,
having spent much too much time in front of my computer (teaching myself
programming) during my younger years.

But nowadays those deficiencies don't bother me much any more. Seems like I
finally accepted who I am, and developed some sense of humor or towards
situations where my lack of social skills become apparent. I think you
overestimate how much people appreciate the social skills of the "cool guys".
Sometimes it's quite ok to be a more introverted person that doesn't need to
bother people with small-talk. It becomes easier once you stop trying to be
someone you aren't. While it may be more difficult to get to know new people,
once people get to know you, I think there is quite some tolerance towards
people with less-than-average social skills. It doesn't make you a malicious
person.

About "connecting with people": due to family ties I stumbled into various
niche hobbies that connect me with similar-minded people. I started playing
the game of Go at various local clubs and also sometimes take part in amateur
tournaments that give handicap to beginners to give everybody a chance. I also
started training in some niche martial arts club after suffering quite some
anxiety after a neighbour started showing physical agression towards my
family.

My experience with those hobbies where generally very positive. Those niche
hobbies have a relatively small social circle, so you often run into people
you already know, which is much less stressful to me than constantly having to
learn to deal with new people. Also the "niche-ness" of those topics seems to
impose a filter on the kind of persons that are drawn to them. I often meet
very interesting, open-minded people that way, it's easy to have conversations
and there's not much need for bull-shit small-talk :). A common, niche
interest, already effortlessly creates some connection.

Thinking back now, I think when I was younger I totally underestimated the
availability of open-to-everybody activities that you can join if you want to
meet like-minded people (or at least people that don't make you feel
uncomfortable). I'd also say that I generally was too pessimistic about the
impression I made on others.

Not trying to dismiss anything of what you write, which honestly sounds like a
pretty taxing situation to be in. Just trying to give some more data points
for a bigger (and maybe or maybe not) more realistic picture.

Maybe I should also mention that I suffered panic attacks and related general
anxiety problems since my youth but did nothing about that until starting
psychotherapy sessions a few years ago. In the beginning, this was a very
difficult step to take, but looking back, I think nothing else would have
helped in the long run. If you suffer from "terrible" social anxiety, then
maybe this is also an angle to consider.

~~~
augustk
> I can relate to what you write, I also used to feel social anxiety and
> always felt (and still sometimes feel) in the wrong place when going out
> with more social people.

I think it is important not to conflate social people with extroverted people.
Being somewhat introvert I tend to get exhausted around very extrovert people
who suffer from verbal diarrhea. To my mind, a social person is someone who
can tune in to other people and make them feel comfortable.

------
codebolt
I had several years of my twenties where I was a real loner, and while I enjoy
having time to myself, I've found that chronic prolonged loneliness is very
detrimental to my psyche, to the point where I get mentally ill.

It may seem hopeless, but it's certainly possible to change your circumstance
if you're willing to put in a persistent effort. At the risk of cliche, if I
was to give my younger self a few self help pointers, a short list would be:
\- Turn to Christ in prayer. \- Quit porn. \- Be healthy. \- Go on 1000
awkward dates until your anxiety is beat into the mud, and your social skills
have leveled up a few times. You will find love on date 1001.

Score dates on online dating sites. Look for sites that aren't just for
adolescents looking for flings. If you're struggling to even get dates, buy a
nice shirt, get a haircut and take some headshots with a professional
photographer.

If you're willing to grind it out using these principles, your odds should be
pretty good for turning your life around. I say this as a married father of
three who hardly has a minute to himself anymore, who was a hopeless 'forever
alone' case only a decade ago.

~~~
earlINmeyerkeg
"Turn to christ for prayer"

I thought this was going to be a joke at first. Just remove that part and swap
it with "meditation" because that's all it is.

Meditating (prayer to jesus) is completely worthless, spoken from someone who
did it for 10 years straight daily. It doesn't change anything, and makes you
CONSTANTLY second guess your decisions as though a higher power didn't intend
for something you wanted to go your way.

~~~
codebolt
Regardless of your experience, praying to Christ is what I did, and it worked
wonders for me. I realise this point might get some negative reactions on a
forum like this, but I wouldn't be true to myself if I didn't mention it when
talking about how I turned my life around.

A church can also be a great place to meet easy-going people looking to make
friends, if you can leave your intellectual ego at the door. Not to mention
meet potential dates who aren't deeply into modern hookup culture.

~~~
toyg
I think you would have got a better reaction if you had kept it vague /
respectful of other creeds. Stated like that, it is effectively proselytism -
which I understand is something your creed might encourage, but most people
are wont to react badly to people telling them what to believe in.

Next time, if you replace that sentence with “I concentrated on my faith
rituals”, you will likely not get any bad reaction.

~~~
throwaway_tech
>Next time, if you replace that sentence with “I concentrated on my faith
rituals”, you will likely not get any bad reaction.

Why should he have to deny or mask his own faith when speaking with himself?

After all it is a list he created to give to his younger self....Could you
just imagine yourself going back in time and masking your own faith to your
younger self, on account suggesting to yourself what faith to practice may
result in a bad reaction..from yourself.

~~~
toyg
_> when speaking with himself?_

He is not - he is speaking _to the HN crowd_ about what he'd say to himself.
Big difference.

It's like sitting in a pub telling the crowd about having wet dreams - you're
not going to be literal.

~~~
throwaway_tech
>He is not - he is speaking to the HN crowd about what he'd say to himself.
Big difference.

Clearly there was nothing in his comment pushing his religion on others or
telling people what religion they should practice.

At the end of the day you are suggesting someone mask and deny their own
faith.

------
apatters
The article makes a good effort to identify the root causes of loneliness and
provide solutions, but it misses the mark a bit.

Loneliness is an involuntary reaction that arises from a lack of _meaningful_
social connections. Here a meaningful connection is defined as one where there
is a mutual sense that you can confide in each other, you understand each
other, and you would be there to support each other through difficult
situations large and small.

You can have hundreds of social connections but if they don't have these
properties, they're of limited utility in combating loneliness. This is why
even in a city where it's easy to meet people, loneliness is still a common
ailment. This is why celebrities adored by millions can still be so lonely
that they end their lives.

It's difficult though not impossible to develop meaningful connections during
adulthood. It takes years of contact and requires social or environmental
conditions that may not be easy to find. So historically, the #1 source of
them has been family (though not everyone is born into a family which supports
and encourages them, and the prevalence of such healthy families is
decreasing).

The loneliness epidemic in modern times is thus attributable in great part to
the erosion of family units and other early age relationships. What makes it
difficult to solve is that there were a number of grievances with that model
which the liberal, individualist project intended to address, such as the
oppression of women who were economically dependent on their husbands, and the
way in which tightly knit families often stifled self-expression. The modern
system in which all adults are workers and consumers also supports the
interests of capital (more workers equals cheaper labor, more consumers means
bigger markets, together you get record growth). No one really wants to roll
back the progress that the liberal project achieved, but the side effects are
ravaging society.

The colloquial solution is Friendsgiving dinner--let's still do all the things
people used to do with their families, but do it with our friends. However it
misses the point that meaningful relationships must be developed over years of
regular contact, mutual trust, and even sacrifice--not impossible, certainly
worth attempting, but hard to do reliably in adulthood with people who may
develop divergent interests over time (for example, starting their own
families). Therefore it is unlikely to be a systemic solution. I have no
systemic solution to propose.

~~~
wahern
> However it misses the point that meaningful relationships must be developed
> over years of regular contact, mutual trust, and even sacrifice

The benefit of family over friends is that you start with a high degree of
trust which can only ever be lost; whereas with friends trust either takes
time, effort, or is accidental (in which case, unless you're lucky, you need
to expend effort to find). Friendship bonds that started from a young age are
more like family in that regard.

I always thought that the emphasis on "trust" was a pop psychology cliche and
not very constructive, but only recently have I learned to appreciate that
trust doesn't come easy for many people, and that I may be an outlier in being
able to more readily trust others on the one hand, and requiring less trust as
a precondition to being open, even after they've hurt me. (I suppose a similar
dimension is your predisposition to feeling vulnerable. I experience
embarrassment and shame all the time, but I don't think those feelings make me
feel _as_ vulnerable and hurt as they do for many others, even in the context
of my closest friends and family. If you feel more vulnerable to actual or
perceived judgments, then it stands to reason you might be less willing to
trust others enough to be open and honest--to experience a relationship from
which you can derive strength, which may not require sharing secrets but
definitely requires being receptive to feelings of affirmation.)

And to the extent one needs external validation, actual or at the ready,
active or passive (e.g. a good listener), to maintain a positive, healthy
mind, then I could see how loneliness could be especially devastating for some
people. The very thing you would need to cope with loneliness is the one thing
you lack; digging yourself out of that hole could be difficult, indeed,
because not only does the simple act of meeting people and beginning
relationships require effort in the face of diminishing psychological
strength, developing the type of relationship needed to stop your descent
requires even more effort and time.

------
5847f6da7bfeb7
> Open your phone or WhatsApp contacts, scroll them and check who are those
> friends, relations or family you want to meet. Now plan for 2-3 meetings
> weekly, until your loneliness feeling goes away.

This is what triggers me A LOT. When I open my contacts, there are literally
only four. One of them is my mother and the other three are therapists. I
don't know how to deal with that. Even if I want to I am not really able to
find people to do something with like going out to a bar or whatever. I just
don't have anybody to talk to.

Also, since I don't have a Smartphone, nor Facebook, Google or whatever
account, it is even harder to get into contact with people. No, i won't make a
google or facebook account.

~~~
f_allwein
What about a Meetup account?
[https://www.meetup.com/](https://www.meetup.com/)

~~~
5847f6da7bfeb7
I try to go every month to the "Hack 'n' tell" organized from some people
around the Chaos Computer Club. While it's fun, I generally just sit there and
talk to nobody.

I do ask questions and discuss with people, but I don't get any closer then
this, which results in an even worse feel of loneliness in the end.

~~~
fvZK4nwToYaSlvu
I've had similar experiences in such settings. You might even find that you
have some particular shared interests, might make plans to get together at
some point, but nothing ever comes of it. I guess that is just human nature.
My very particular piece of advice: If you are only and want to connect with
people, don't limit yourself to Chaos events (or something similar). These
gatherings are not very well-suited to making the type of connections you seem
to seek. Even people who have been part of the scene for a long time struggle
to meet people there. It's pretty much a scene like any other: If you don't
meet the right people early on and make some kind of connection it's hard to
get further and you will always feel left out to some degree.

------
brightball
Loneliness works as a motivator.

The point where you get tired of being lonely is the point where you actually
try to fix it. That can mean working to improve yourself and your social
skills. It can mean joining local groups to meet people, make friends and do
good work.

I watch people who are older than me and I see so many more habits that lead
to consistently strong social lives.

Golf is huge. Guys who join a club and go play once or twice a week, then hang
out together afterwards. I don’t play but the older I’ve gotten the more I’ve
respected the benefits.

Church is another. Easy to get involved, totally free.

Family is another and one that I think causes the biggest loneliness issue
because so many people move away for work these days. So many people I know
who are older have most of their family in one city and get together
constantly.

I’m sure there’s more, but the short of it is: use loneliness as a motivator
to decide you aren’t going to be lonely anymore and find ways to fix the
problem. It might been a combination of self improvement, forced courage or
effort but you can do it.

~~~
ergothus
> use loneliness as a motivator to decide you aren’t going to be lonely
> anymore and find ways to fix the problem.

I'm sure it wasn't intended, but your post comes across as incredibly
dismissive. Oh, you are lonely? You just need motivation. Oh, your family is a
toxic dumpster fire that taught you all the wrong social skills? Dont move
away from that. Oh, you are lonely? Try golf and church.

Your basic point that loneliness wont magically fix itself is true, but your
words instead magically wave away every complication.

People can be introverts that nonetheless want social contact. By the end of a
workday I'm exhausted. My peers all have young children, making schedules
harder to coordinate and many of the activities I enjoy are off the table if
one cant string 3 sentences together without interruption.

Which isnt to say that I cant work on improving things, but posts like yours
are incredibly discouraging. It just says that my problems are my fault for
bring me. Instead of saying I should find options that work for me it just
says to learn to enjoy what I hate. It says just get motivated.

That's the kind of thing that makes people MORE alienated and lonely, and LESS
motivated to think there is hope.

~~~
brightball
Was not intended. I was shy and lonely and it never got better until I got so
sick of being lonely that I forced myself to overcome the problems.

Get motivated...to not be lonely so you get determined to find ways to fix it.

The longer you’re lonely the more you get sick of it until it motivates you to
find a way. That’s what I meant. It’s pain and eventually you will seek pain
relief.

~~~
deepbreath
Honestly, your comments are pretty much an r/wowthanksimcured meme.

~~~
brightball
If that's how you're reading it, it is because you want to.

Loneliness isn't fixed easily and it requires a lot of effort on your part to
fix it. Until you hit the point that you're determined to fix it, it won't get
fixed.

It's not a virus that just has to run its course. You have to purposefully
have the resolve to change it and over time, being lonely for long enough will
make you hit a point where you say "Enough is enough. I'm not going to spend
my life lonely."

Step 1 might be hitting the gym or joining a workout group like F3 or cross
fit. Looking for a club like Toastmasters to help make you more comfortable
stepping out of your shell. Invite people to lunch.

Start following a sports team and find other people who do too to talk about
it with and get together with to watch / attend the games. Hockey games are a
blast in person once you figure out what's going on.

None of it is going to make a difference unless you, personally, are
determined to fix it.

------
jakeogh
Find a gym, go. If you dont like it, find another. Keep going. 3x/week.
Forever. Be humble, be curious, be friendly.

Start every gym session by running. If you cant run, jog. If you cant jog,
walk. Exercize is _by far_ the most useful thing you can do for yourself.
Other problems (like being lonely) become easier to fix or just fix
themselves.

~~~
Cougher
Exercise can be extremely beneficial. It can even be a diversion away from the
pain of social isolation. I don't understand the odd stipulation of starting
every gym session in any particular way.

~~~
richthegeek
For me a 5-10m jog at medium pace is a good way to warm up. Don't get tired,
barely get out of breath, just stretch your muscles and get your body ready
for the rest of the session.

If you prefer to stretch then do that instead :)

~~~
Cougher
I prefer neither. That's my point: one of the beauties of exercise is that
there are so many ways to approach it. One of the most important keys to a
sustainable exercise program is tailoring it to what works for the person
doing it, not what works for other people. A person is far more likely to do
what they enjoy doing rather than forcing themselves to do what other people
enjoy doing.

~~~
richthegeek
I've done the whole "no stretching" thing before weightlifting when I was
younger. It's led to injury every time, and that injury leads to 3-month
breeaks.

Trading 10 minutes per session for a greatly increased chance of sticking with
it indefinitely is the choice I make.

If you're lucky enough to not need stretching, or you do something like yoga
so as to be pretty limber all the time, more power to you!

~~~
Cougher
You were injured EVERY time you lifted without stretching? Sorry to be blunt,
but I don't believe you. You were injured when you were younger and didn't
stretch. That's two veriables, not one. If you actually injured yourself as
often as you say you did when you were young and perhaps lifting weights
without the necessary care, in addition to stretching, you probably also paid
stricter attention to your form.

I lift weights with zero stretching. And the vast majority of people who've
attended the gyms that I've gone to don't stretch.
[https://bjsm.bmj.com/content/34/5/324](https://bjsm.bmj.com/content/34/5/324)

~~~
richthegeek
No, I mean that within a few weeks of starting without stretching I'd get
injured.

Form is definitely part of it, but I went through a few cycles of "start going
to the gym, do sessions without stretching, get injured, take time off".

Stretching has increased the time between injuries. And moreover, when
injuries have occurred after stretching it has been very obvious _why_ the
injury occurred (bad form or too-high weights) whereas before it felt like
form was fine, weight was fine, but injury occurred anyway.

------
jayonsoftware
Lookup groups on Meetup.com, when I first moved to a new city, did not know
anyone, started going to meetup.com, then I started my own meetup group. Lot
of work, but have built a good list of good friends. Making and maintaining
friends is work, you need to put time into it. No one comes out of the blue
and want to be your friend (well unless you are rich or hot)...but I know many
hot/rich people who are lonely too.

------
Timpy
I joined a salsa class about 9 months ago and my life has changed drastically
because of it. Salsa is a partner dance, so improving my skills gave me the
confidence to be more social. Since the salsa scene in my town is modestly
sized the kind of people that join seem to be "interested in seeking new
experiences" kinds of people. Lots of world languages are represented, and
there seems to be a disproportionately high amount of Masters and PHDs in the
group. For me the best part is that everyone seems genuinely interested in
improving themselves.

I don't think this is a panacea (can there be one for solving loneliness?) but
some might find it a good idea so I wanted to share.

------
clarry
Am I reading this writeup wrong? Because to me it reads like "oh you're
lonely? deal with it, or just make friends!" which isn't very helpful. It's
more like a well-intentioned spitting in the face of everyone who is lonely
and repeatedly tried and failed to make meaningful relationships.

~~~
el_cujo
>"oh you're lonely? deal with it, or just make friends!"

No, it's much worse, it's telling you to just hang out more with all of those
friends you already have.

------
manojsurya
Guys, this is amazing. I wasn't expecting lots of comments and discussions. I
had a long day and crashing right now. I will read comments here and will try
to reply to my best effort to most of your thoughts. Got more than 7000 unique
users from here. Thank you. Hope you liked the article :)

------
maerF0x0
> When your best friend comes to you and shares how he or she is feeling. How
> would you react? I believe – you will have a listening ear for them, feel
> their pain, care for them and support them.

many lonely people reading this wont know because they dont have a best
friend.

~~~
dot1x
the author doesn't seem to realize the irony

------
maxheadroom
In an ever-connected world, it's entirely plausible for you to die alone and
for no one to have seemingly cared.[0]

[0] -
[https://www.oddee.com/item_98735.aspx](https://www.oddee.com/item_98735.aspx)

------
jdkee
Reposting as it is on point.

“ Proximity, unplanned encounters and the privacy to confide with someone have
been identified as key factors in making friends as an adult.[cite]”

Factors that make it difficult for Americans to make friends as they age:

1\. Isolation driven by car culture.

2\. Un-walkable communities outside cities.

3\. Media driven self absorption vitiating real world interaction.

4\. Political and social siloing as a result of #3.

“Bowling Alone” by Putnam was prescient by did not offer any realistic
solutions.

~~~
clarry
I disagree with the first two factors, as a European. I live in a city where
people walk and cycle a lot, but that does nothing for loneliness. No, seeing
random strangers on the street is not a substitute for a meaningful
relationships, and no, these random strangers you see do not make friends
either.

Factor three is probably a major one in all countries where people are
spending time staring at screens instead of interacting with each other.

Factor #4 doesn't really show up much in my corner of Europe.

~~~
rimliu
I think this is where US culture and European culture differs a lot. For some
reason, in US everyone needs to interact with anyone who stays longer than two
seconds in close enough proximity. I am so thankful this is not a case in
Europe (at least where I am) — for an introvert hating chit-chat it gets
annoying really fast.

------
hosh
There's a distinction between loneliness and solitude. I've been looking at
this from a perspective that is more relatable to psychonauts.

I think the "social connection" is just the superficial aspect of loneliness.
I think more fundamentally, this is about alienation, of which loneliness is
one of ways it comes out.

I have met people who created the appearance of social connections --
idealized lives on Facebook, instagram, etc. and they feel very much isolated
and alone. They feel that way because they still feel alienated, that they
cannot be who they truly feel.

~~~
codebolt
As long as you choose to live within a society, you're going to run into a lot
of trouble if you try to just ignore everyone else and only structure your
life around your own imagination (double so if your imagination has been
bastardized by drugs).

------
rakefire
Every time I get lonely I want to adopt a puppy. Then I struggle with the
thought of my incapability to make him happy because of my lifestyle (I don't
have my own house and move frequently)... Of course I feel even more miserable
than before when my sadness was caused by my loneliness.

This happens at least once a month.

~~~
power78
Why not go to the local pound and taking the dogs on a walk? That way you can
feel the satisfaction of providing happiness to less-fortunate animals and not
have to worry about owning one.

------
alicorn
During the first 30 or so years of my life I actively strained to have a happy
family, wide social circle and all the associated social trappings. The amount
of money, energy and time I plowed into this was incredible, and, in
retrospect, I was often taken advantage of due to my almost desperate need to
belong. From the outside I was a picture of social success, especially given
that I had recently moved countries and started from scratch in the middle of
nowhere.

But you see, it is easy to completely lose ones own identity if one values
themselves from the mirror of the expectations of others, or, even worse,
their expectations regarding others' expectations of themselves. At some
especially dark night of my soul I was forced to admit that I had no idea who
_I_ was. Everything I did was, essentially, facade building, and behind that
facade there was emptiness, and a fair bit of chaos as well.

So sometime around 35 I gave up. I cut out my toxic parents from my life,
stopped pursuing romantic relationships ot of fear of being alone, stopped
collecting 'cool' acquaintances in real life and on Facebook and focused
instead on two things: \- building quality relationships with those few humans
whom I loved, respected and who truly reciprocated in kind, \- discovering
myself and building a stable foundation to become fully me.

I also got a dog, not because I am a dog person, but because I figured out
that I have been looking for unconditional approval no human can actually
give, but dogs, from what I read, can, and do all the time. This proved to be
the right decision and has helped me a lot to become my own person.

It was, and still is, an adventure. I have discovered many new things I enjoy
and discarded equally many I only partook because it was a way to please,
finally stabilised my finances and career, acquired tons of knowledge, read
hundreds of sci-fi and fantasy books, developed my own style, decorated my
home entirely to my taste and, perhaps most surprisingly for anyone who knows
me, taken up triathlon which I enjoy so much. It is both expensive and time-
consuming, but, at last, all that time, money and energy goes to myself,
forming a positive feedback loop.

My social interactions are a lot fewer and my circle of acquaintances a lot
smaller these days, but each and every one of them is cherished. My life is
busy enough now that both additional social interactions and romantic pursuits
perforce are subjected to a sort of cost-benefit analysis - will this activity
help me grow as a person more than the one I will be skipping out on instead?

My main insight from this process is that it seems that we in general expect
someone else to provide for us the feeling of safety, companionship and
happiness that we are fully capable of giving to ourselves. It is so much
easier to blame others for our own misery - it requires no effort and gives a
temporary relief from pain, transforming it into anger. Empowerment starts
when, instead of hoisting it off to others we can not control, but can
endlessly blame, we fully take responsibility for making ourselves happy,
content and safe. The 'unconditional positive regard' [1] is something we can
give ourselves if only we allow ourselves to do so, and in so doing, heal and
become whole in a way that nobody else can do for us.

Similarly to @pmoriarty, holidays which are traditional to be spent with ones
family can still be tough for me sometimes. But just this last Christmas
(which I spent entirely by myself) I came to conclusion that my main source of
sadness is not the fact that I am alone. I do not like large gatherings of
people, I do not enjoy most of the traditions around the holiday and I am
bored by inane conversations which are part and parcel of gatherings of people
who have not seen each other for a while and do not even know each other all
that well anymore.

No, the sadness is due to the feeling that I am missing out on something that
everyone else has, which society has conditioned me to believe is the only way
to be happy at this particular date and time, with the associated feelings of
unfairness, jealousy and self-pity. Once I got past that, I realised that I
have the freedom to choose what _I_ want to do with the evening that will make
_me_ happy, most likely a lot happier than any alternatives any other humans
could provide. So I took home delicious food and spent the night being cosy
and reflecting on the past year and making plans for the next one.

So to conclude, “there are infinitely many kinds of beautiful lives” [2]. It
takes courage and a fair bit of work to find yours, but it is worth it.

[1]
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unconditional_positive_regard](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unconditional_positive_regard)
[2]
[https://www.brainpickings.org/2018/11/01/figuring/](https://www.brainpickings.org/2018/11/01/figuring/)

------
Pamar
Allow me to "pimp" an old contribution of mine on this topic:
[https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=17794060](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=17794060)

------
thanatropism
This is a weird thread, full of personal solutions. There is no instruction
manual for life.

