
Work and Wives - dottertrotter

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nurall
Its a tradeoff one has to live with. All of us lead parallel lives. You
needn't be the same person in both the worlds. You play different roles, at
times they are totally tangential, hence the problem.

Someone said this to me once, "if your professional life kicks ass... u r
taking a beating in the personal front." Its not a universal rule, but I am
sure a lot of people can relate to it.

Rather than cribbing about having to make a compromise. I think the best bet
is to involve your partners as much as possible in discussions about your
venture so that they know how important this is for you and how it is in the
best interests of the relationship. Go ahead and ask your spouse for
suggestions/feedback and keep her in the loop, never leave her in the dark.
Share your vision with her. If she does share your vision, then she is going
to support you 100%. Then it becomes a non-issue. Its easier said than done,
but definitely worth a shot. I am sure Guy would agree with this approach.

In short - "Try to establish a mutually benefitting connection between the two
parallel lives."

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andyjenn
Thats a great idea! My wife and I discussed my reasons for starting a startup
and she is being very supportive from the outset, but sometimes gets
frustrated that I don't "communicate my feelings" very well. She hardly sees
me and doesn't have a clue about computers whereas I'm excited, stressed,
anxious, and so focused on technical things for 12 hours a day, I sometimes
struggle with the "How was your day darling?" type conversation in the
evening. Without sounding trite, communication is vital in a marriage so
working on a startup shouldn't be different to any other important decision
you make. I'll take this involvment on board - thanks a lot...

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dottertrotter
I've read a lot of stuff recently by startup founders about the reasons to
start a company while your still young and single, but I have to say that I
could not possibly be doing what I'm doing with my company if it were not for
the support of my wife. Anyone have a similar experience?

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nickb
I guess I have to take the dissenting opinion... ;)

It's not worth starting a startup when you're married.... especially when
you've been marrired for less than 2 years and/or have young kids.

1) Too much risk. Why lose a mortgage (and your wife!) over a dream? If you're
married and want to have a family, get a stable job, get a mortgage and take
care of your family's future. Not having any money (or very little) for few
years can be extremely stressful on a marriage... especially if you're not
financially stable. If you're financially stable and have millions in the
bank, well, then this does not apply to you and you can do whatever pleases
you.

2) You won't have as much time since your wife will demand that you spend a
lot of time with her. If you're in a startup, your startup will be your wife
and your kid and your family for at least a year. You'll be competing against
other teams which don't have time limitations and against people who are
working 12-14 hr days. You simply won't be able to compete with them. If you
start spending less time in a startup than your cofounders, there will be some
serious tensions!

3) Do you have young kids? Spend your time with kids, not in a startup. You'll
be glad you did later on. No matter how much money you make, you won't be able
to buy back time!

Anyway, I speak from experience. I've been in a startup (I was an employee) in
which one of the cofounders divorced after 6 months because his wife ended up
cheating on him... since he was never around with her.

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paul
Give up your dreams and spend the rest of your life locked away in a cubicle?
Maybe you should just get a new wife instead, one that isn't so high-
maintenance :)

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staunch
I agree wholeheartedly. What kind of woman would rather you spend decades of
your life in a situation you find _miserable_ than sacrifice and suffer
alongside you while you follow your dream?

For someone who feels like I do this is totally non-negotiable. I would have
no problem losing a woman over this question because it would only filter out
women that are worth losing anyway.

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brlewis
For a marketing brochure I sought feedback from two professional writers and
from my wife. The best advice of the three was my wife's. Moms are the main
customer, but one of the professional writers is a mom too.

If you're racing with competitors to get the attention of people who live
their lives on the web, having no other commitments is an advantage. That's
not what I'm doing.

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lee
My parents had a startup when I was a child. My mom was adventurous and worked
with my dad in the business. As a little kid, I had no awareness that we were
rich or poor, though we must have struggled because I remember different
living situations were not as nice as others. Our family life was happiest
during the building phase of the company - before success was surely won.

One thing I'm sure of is that my dad would have been miserable if he had a
straight job and that would have affected our family a lot more than material
instability.

There are many lessons that you can teach a child about resilience - about
fortune's ups and downs and how to handle risk that are unavailable to those
who put their lives on hold to rear a child. I wouldn't have had any other
childhood. We had extreme fortune upheavals. At one point, the family lost
everything. But dad started again and made a success. I still wound up
attending an Ivy League school and hope to apply the lessons I've learned
growing up to the startups I'll start.

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jewelsbranch
Great life story, lee. My husband and I are bringing our children along for
the journey as we work on our start-up.

We went through the start-up stage with another business before we had
children, but we won't think of postponing this start-up because of our kids.
It is hard work to combine starting up and parenting, but being parents while
working a traditional 9-to-5 is hard work, too.

We have found that we are happier when we are being creative on our own,
regardless of income level. When we're happy, the kids are happy, too.

They have adapted well to everything we've thrown at them so far. And we are
encouraged by their go-with-the-flow attitude.

In the end we want them to understand that you make your own life. The best
way we can teach them this is to actually do so ourselves....and that's what
we are doing.

Sounds like that's what you are doing, too.

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cwilbur
The reason to start a startup when you're young and single is because you have
no commitments. Once you have kids, you can't afford to take that kind of
chance with your life because you're also responsible for their lives. But a
spouse/significant other who's genuinely supportive is like a partner in the
company who's sharing your equity -- if you make it big, he or she makes it
big too.

On the other hand, a spouse or significant other who's _not_ supportive -- or
who means to be supportive but who doesn't actually offer much support, which
is worse -- can put enough of a drag on things to make the company fail.

And as brlewis notes, a lot depends on the pace you're trying to run the
company at. If you're using the traditional VC-funded web startup model and
working 100-hour weeks in the hacking zone, your relationship with your
spouse/SO is going to suffer. If you're using the consulting/micro-ISV model
and expanding the business gradually, it's likely to put a lot less strain on
the relationship.

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Mistone
"Once you have kids, you can't afford to take that kind of chance with your
life because you're also responsible for their lives."

I agree to a point, but having kids does not relegate you to life in a
cubicle, slowing building your 401 K, and complaining about not having enough
Paid Time Off.

I think if you have a burning passion to start something and there is a
significant potential pay-off down the road you are doing your family a dis-
service by not pursuing an opportunity to make your lives better.

Nothing worth doing is easy.

~~~
mattculbreth
Really well said. My wife and three year old son are on the team. We're
enjoying the hell out of this because we're doing it together.

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statikpulse
I need help in this category. I'm currently doing consultant work full time to
pay the bills (and keep the girlfriend happy) while working on my startup
nights and weekends.

My girlfriend simply HATES computers and this makes it hard for her to
understand what I am doing, why I am doing it and what it could mean later on.
To her, it's not work, since it's currently not bringing any money.

Luckily she does let me spend some time on my startup, even though I could be
spending it her. Going to take advantage of it while I can.

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dottertrotter
I'm in the same boat as you as my wife doesn't like computers and doesn't know
anything about them. But what she does know is how passionate I am for
programming and for creating something that I can be proud of, and because of
that she is insanely supportive about what I do. In return though I believe
and expect that she wants the same support from me for the things she is
passionate about. So thats my advice, show her why you enjoy it, and then
support her in whatever she enjoys.

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vo0do0
hehe lol, that's a good topic! I've been married for past 4 years (almost
five, and I'll be at ycomb when we're 5 years - hopefully) and what I can say
is:

My wife's paying the bills right now while iJigg is giving me 12 hours of work
and big headaches :D

I'd not say you shouldn't try something being married, but for sure you need a
good conversation with your wife before you start.

Tell her what are you going to do, the risks and the gifts you'll be able to
give to her if you make it thru.

Tell her that you'll give her the first 3 months of incoming, that will help.

btw, my wife's pregnant and our incoming isn't enough anymore what tells me to
rush even more on iJigg.

Dreams are priceless, but when married you're not alone anymore, you need to
share everything with your wife!

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Mistone
a good point, I think it can work both ways, but my wife is a great sounding
board and brings a unique / non techie point of view to the discussion which
is extremely valuable.

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jkush
That's a good point too - my wife has zero understanding of the programming
world and no desire to understand it at all. She's great for telling me when
my ideas suck or when they might work.

Because of YCombinator's relocation requirement, I can't apply. I completely
understand why they have that requirement and what's more - completely agree
with it. Unfortunately, relocating is not an option for me as we have a 2 year
old. Even though I live in Maine and Cambridge isn't that far away, it just
wouldn't work.

My drive to found a startup is very strong - I'm not afraid of failure (god
knows I'm good at it!) but I'm struggling with how to do start something up
with a wife and a child. The whole micro-ISV, consulting thing is not
something I want to do.

I know the conventional wisdom is "don't do it". But that's just not an
acceptable answer for me.

Does anyone have any advice for me? I would absolutely appreciate it.

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r3v3r3nd
I have a wife and two small children. I have also successfully started a
business using only "sweat capital" and know the stress it can put on a
marriage. So I might qualify to give you some advice. I am also starting
another company and willing to move to Cambridge.

I am fortunate to have a wife who is very supportive and sees the payoff of me
staring a new venture. If I win, she wins. Also, I plan to move the wife and
kids to Cambridge for the summer. They view it as an "extend vacation". Well,
a vacation with no money, but at least it is new scenery (new playgrounds are
always exciting for kids!).

I don't think the "don't do it" wisdom is always applicable. It wasn't in my
case. As long as you make some time for your family and kids, and as long as
they know the situation is pseudo-temporary, it can work.

Besides, being miserable at your current job is probably just as a negative on
your wife and kids as a start up. It is hard to come home and be a good
husband/father when you are bored/frustrated all day.

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timeuser
Great points! I could have written your same post. I've started a company
before and am willing to move my wife and two kids to Cambridge for this. In
addition however, my wife is co-founder of my start-up so she's completely on
board ;-)

Either way, we're going to build our company. It would be nice to get a three
month kick start though instead of having to work around my day job.

Building the company around my day job will actually be tougher on the family
but we'll still be better off in the long run. A job for someone with a family
isn't all it's cracked up to be. It isn't flexible. I have a long commute. I
have fixed pay that doesn't really reflect my time and effort. Stability isn't
everything and it isn't what makes a person or a family happy.

There are other ways to take risks with a family. There are extended families
etc. Taking risk with a family isn't wrong, it's just something you should
think through.

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timg
I don't have a wife.. but I do beat my roommate nightly with a wooden chair to
escape the stress of startup life.

