
R U OK? - BeeAwesome
https://www.ruok.org.au/
======
josuepeq
The U.S. needs this day, especially this year.

With the unmitigated disaster of 2020, I’m “probably not ok,” but I am not in
any danger to myself or others. Quite the opposite - I’m optimistic that
things are moving in the right direction. I mean, it can’t get worse:

\- Shutdown my consulting Business in February because I didn’t feel
comfortable with being around new people constantly with a t-cell deficient
immune system. \- My boyfriend abruptly stopped his antidepressant and quietly
completed suicide in his apartment alone. No indication anything was off. It’s
been tough to manage such a loss alone during a pandemic where social
distancing is important. \- I am left with his orange tabby cat; and with the
unrelenting frustration in trying to reason with people who never lost their
lover to suicide, with multiple “it’s not your fault” conversations. I’m
conflicted in that these people are the ones who are standing with me, but I
can’t hear this logic again. \- Just a few days ago, six months later, I
acknowledged what would’ve been his 33rd birthday and also our anniversary. I
couldn’t find anything to actually celebrate or anyone to celebrate it with
because of COVID. Still waiting for a good time to even have a proper
memorial. \- My roommate couple friends moved back home to the Midwest. As the
master tenant, I’m responsible for the difference in rent, nobody is moving to
SF really; but may have a roommate come October. \- My best friend in San
Francisco died of cancer late March. \- We were supposed to have dinner the
last week of February, \- and all of us were supposed to celebrate my April
birthday together at a Honey Dijon show; \- and go to the Maceo Plex day party
on Treasure Island in May. Yep, as both of them are gone and both of those
events will never happen, that calendar event was a rough thing to forget to
cancel.

On the bright side, I had time to crash course my way into sharpening my CS
skills for flavor of the week programming languages, turned half my garage
into a wood shop; created an IoT paradise at home or “who needs an Alexa when
Jenkins will do,” been building the tabby a “catio” so he’ll get some outside
time, started getting into the fun world of circuit board reworking out of a
BIOS Flashing disaster, and enjoying the work of cooking all my meals.

I’m not too stressed about work. I have decided I’m not going back into the
self employment hustle; and I’m patient enough to wait for the right next
opportunity. Low expectations yield pleasant surprises.

~~~
monkeynotes
That's a lot for one person in one year. I struggle with far less, I don't
want to think how I'd feel going through what you have.

I wish you luck finding work and happiness.

------
royletron
Single dad - with two boys who delight and terrorise in equal measure. Working
in an industry in constant flux, trying to make the right moves and play to my
skills. Knowing all along that I am not the best at what I do by a long mile.
I've had two years that have often felt horrendous, and that's putting it
lightly. I am approaching 40, and have taken a turn for the worse in terms of
lock down weight...

Weirdly corona has brought together my family, has made me see I am really
lucky to have the job I have and made me desperate to work harder at social
relationships.

So that's my story, and I am here for anyone who might benefit from a similar
perspective :)

~~~
thorin
Also single dad with 2 young kids in the UK. Got divorced last year, so this
year has been a challenge for the same reasons you mentioned! Grateful to have
work and spend lots of time with the kids although they are back at school
now. I'm 44 so my skills are even more out of date!

~~~
royletron
The first year and a half is the worse for separation with children, at least
for me. Trying to be involved in the same capacity, whilst maintaining a job
and rebuilding your own life is a lot of work. I was constantly exhausted,
often forgetting to eat and drink and barely functioning. There were some
friends and family that really came through for me during those first 18
months.

In terms of skills, like I say you just have to work with what you have. Don't
imagine you have to be the best at something, but be solid. Let your
experience make you dependable and steady - focus on consistency and being the
'calm one'. That's really come through for me in recent years.

~~~
thorin
Thanks for the reply. I've been looking after the kids 3 days a week plus half
of weekends and holidays for 2 years now. Sleep was a problem for a bit but
the kids are 5 and 6 now and sleep well. I didn't eat much last year and
exercised a lot so was in great shape, but now I'm happier this year I'm
eating and drinking more!

Work is ok. I realise it's a means to an end supporting the family and do what
I need to do and try to be kind to people around me. I owe a few close friends
for helping me be where I'm at now.

~~~
royletron
Sounds like a similar deal. I was 'allowed' to take the boys for my first
holiday with them in years the other week and it was complete bliss. Blackpool
beach has never felt so special...

One thing I've been meaning to ask someone in the same position - how do your
friends with kids treat you now? Especially those that knew you with your ex?
I often feel like they're almost jealous of my position of getting a few days
'to yourself'. It's hard that I feel they're less likely to hear me, or
relate... Does that happen with you?

I'm on Twitter with the same name so feel free to reach out. Good to keep a
single dad's club going.

~~~
thorin
We have a 50% kind of deal so holidays aren't a major problem although I was
told not to take the children overseas. Not a problem this year! I've enjoyed
a week in Wales this year and a week in Scotland last year. Can be a bit
awkward just with the 3 of us as their mum has a bigger extended family but we
still enjoyed ourselves.

I get that a bit. I'm often the only dad in the playground with a sea of mums
and a few have said they'd love to have time to themselves. It's important, I
think that's why I'm single but I'm not sure. I think it's just important to
relate to people equally on a gut level and be kind when you can. It would be
nice to have sympathy sometimes but it doesn't really help that much. Things
are good right now, but they could easily be better or worse!

Unfortunately I'm not on Twitter but good luck with your journey. Good to
talk.

------
bajsejohannes
Digression that might be interesting for the HN crowd: The healthcheck for
Apache ZooKeeper is simply sending it `ruok` and receiving `imok` if it's
healthy:

    
    
        $ echo ruok | nc 127.0.0.1 5111
        imok

~~~
quenix
That’s cute.

------
ericmcer
Something I am struggling with recently is less am I ok, but more do we as
humans deserve to be ok? When I look at the freeways full of cars, streets
lined with overflowing garbage cans, homeless encampments, grocery stores with
row after row of cheap meat under fluorescent light. Am I supposed to feel ok?
It many times feels as though we are a virus decimating our host environment.

The constant flood of bad news combined with an inability to be away from the
computer ( work), the inability to go outside (California fires) and the
inability to go to a different indoor location (coronavirus) has maybe leant
power to this very cynical viewpoint.

I guess we do not have the power, we are not responsible for the way the world
is, and we do not have to bear the guilt for it.

~~~
asdffdsa
I guess the one thing that holds me back from acting more selflessly than I do
is that we don't appreciate the efforts of goodwill of others, and we reward
selfishness.

I pay 45% of my income in taxes? The message is "pay your fair share". Pick up
a piece of trash and put it in the garbage can? More litter will replace it
when you walk by it the next time. Work extra hard to make sure a project is
completed? "You're a great team player."

Contrast that with what happens when you act selfishly.

Negotiate salary aggressively? Receive a 20 - 50% pay bump. Buy cheap meat
instead of humanely raised or organic? Save hundreds on your monthly grocery
bills. Get Starbucks every day? No one directly minds about the waste you
created.

These is one of the biggest cultural issues we should address imo. And we're
already seeing the negative humanitarian impacts of selfishness with respect
to the Covid epidemic. If the virus required greater awareness, empathy and
care then we would have been wiped out.

This comment is referring to American culture, if it wasn't evident already

~~~
ericmcer
My favorite example of this comes from my ~10 years working at grocery stores
before I made it into the tech industry. An older lady would come in and just
clean us out of our cheap ground beef. This was at trader joe's, we sold 1
pound plastic wrapped cubes for $2.99. She would come in and buy ~20 every
week. I finally asked her what she was doing with all this ground beef and she
explained how it was for her two big dogs and laughed about how spoiled they
were.

She was totally oblivious about her actions and their implications, completely
content with her lifestyle, probably even felt good about how healthy her dogs
were. Viewed through a different lens she is abhorrent, single-handedly
undoing the work of 20 vegetarians all because her dogs are too good for
regular dog food.

~~~
parliament32
I don't want this to sound like an attack but what's the issue? Heaven forbid
someone feeds their pets the food they're supposed to eat instead of some
hyper-processed and unregulated sawdust pellets.

~~~
ericmcer
Well if you assume that beef is bad and cheap beef is especially terrible for
both the environment and the cattle themselves then it isn't a huge stretch to
see why someone pouring 20X the amount a human would eat into 2 dogs every
week could be viewed as immoral.

It's like more people driving hybrid/electric cars cause gas prices to go
down, in response to this other people can now buy bigger gas guzzling cars.
Economics rewards immoral behavior.

~~~
glial
Economics only rewards immoral behavior if we let it. We should properly
factor negative externalities into prices.

------
dandare
Like so many other products, services and initiatives, this website would
greatly benefit from a prominently placed, buzzword-free, ELI5 explanation of
what it actually does.

Finally I found this in one of the subpages that explains some of it:

> Got a feeling that someone you know or care about it isn’t behaving as they
> normally would? Perhaps they seem out of sorts? More agitated or withdrawn?
> Or they’re just not themselves. Trust that gut instinct and act on it. Learn
> more about the signs and when it's time to ask R U OK? here.

~~~
prawn
It's probably more easily understood in Australia where there's press and some
corporate efforts to publicise it. Gives people an excuse to check in on
friends who either need support or just want to vent to someone who
understands.

The founder was prompted by the suicide of his father and then his own mental
health battles.

~~~
phist_mcgee
Exactly, R U OK day is now a pretty big thing here, and I would say almost
everyone now knows what the day is about. It's got pretty good buy in by the
general public which is nice.

Someone on the Melbourne subreddit even baked R U OK cookies and was giving
them away to strangers passing by their house. Hopefully made someone's day
better.

~~~
srtjstjsj
I don't know, it seems like yet another superficial gimmick taking the place
of real relationships. Giving out cookies on the street isn't getting to know
someone and helping with their troubles.

~~~
prawn
The awareness has meant that I've asked people about how they're going in a
non-trivial sense when I otherwise would not have. I suspect RUOK is most
effective amongst friends rather than strangers in the street, and that
cookies build awareness and encourage people to ask their friends, thus having
some impact.

------
throwaway_ruok
Not okay.

It's a worrying time being a Chinese person. On the one hand, I don't support
CCP (hence the throw away); I find the dictatorship very troubling.
Furthermore, the growing patriotism and nationalism makes me anxious about the
next generation of Chinese.

On the other hand, many people outside tend to treat Chinese people and CCP as
a whole, and denounce and dismiss everything we do. More and more people
suggest severe measures against Chinese products, even when no evidence of
foul play is found. Simply the potential of being malicious is enough to
warrant doubts, scrutiny, and dismissal. If this trend continues, I don't know
how to live in the west anymore. I can't imagine one day submitting a code
change, and my code has to be reviewed by a specialized security expert,
because my family lives in China.

Personally, I find no place to stand. The future looks to me like I'm going to
be on an island of ideology, where the other Chinese despise me for not being
loyal, and the westerners suspect me of being secretly loyal to CCP.

In the big picture, it feels like another cold war is coming, and, that has a
crushing weight on me. All I ever wanted is a simple life, stable income, no
need for luxury stuff; but if the cold war were to actually start, I don't see
how I can build that life.

Hell, even an actual war might be looming, during which I and my family have a
significant chance to die, given the existence of nuclear weapon, the
effectiveness of the modern army, and the stubbornness of governments. And I
just really don't want to die like that; it's so meaningless to die in a war.

I guess I just wrote this post to vent a little. It's something that I have
absolutely no control (or even impact) over, but it looms over my shoulder
every minute of every day. Every endeavor and achievement of mine pales in
face of a global conflict, so I'm exceedingly demotivated to do anything these
days. It feels like nothing matters, and everything is going to crumble
anyway.

Apologies for bringing so much negativity. I hope everyone else is having a
good day.

~~~
b0rsuk
I live in Europe. China is often hard to understand and seen as a monolithic
block. In Poland if something doesn't make any sense it's common to say "it's
Chinese to me". The language, especially the characters, is probably the
biggest barrier. I vaguely know that China contains a bunch of peoples and
languages, regions with distinct cultures. But very little beyond that.

People fear what they don't understand. I think you could make a difference if
you made it easier for outsiders to learn about China and Chinese. You don't
need to start a blog or a youtube channel. Just point out some existing ones
which give foreigners a decent idea about China. Or maybe some movies which
illustrate (aspects of) China pretty well and are still accessible to typical
Westerners. No, it won't work for people on the street. I don't have a
solution for that.

~~~
Erwin
On a more fun note, what is considered "Chinese" varies greatly by language
(it's Greek in English):
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_to_me#In_other_languages](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_to_me#In_other_languages)

In German, wikipedia claims "Polish in reverse" (though there's no other
reference to that phrase on the Net, other than Reverse Polish Notation).

~~~
karl42
As a German, I've never heard "Polish in reverse", but "Spanish" works exactly
that way ("Das kommt mir spanisch vor").

~~~
wink
"Can't you understand what I'm saying? Am I speaking Chinese?" is pretty
common as well.

------
anm89
Remember, if you are in the US at least, and someone tells you they aren't ok,
and you recommend a crisis line, and they mention anything regarding suicide,
they are very likely going to be extracted from their living situation by
force and end up incarcerated at very high expense to themselves.

If their life was going poorly before that, it sure won't be better after.

edit: as another poster mentioned, the record of this could follow you around
for life as well.

~~~
smnrchrds
Also having your name officially recorded for this cause in a database can
have negative impacts on the rest of your life, as this Canadian woman found:

[https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/canadian-woman-
refuse...](https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/canadian-woman-refused-u-s-
entry-because-of-depression-1.2444960)

~~~
londons_explore
That particular woman _wrote a book about her experience with depression_ ,
then wondered how the US border agent knew about it...

I mean, I'm all for privacy, but if you publish something in a book I don't
think you can expect it to stay a secret...

~~~
smnrchrds
First of all, that's not much better. "Don't talk about mental health publicly
or there will be consequences" is not something we should be OK with.

Second, from the article itself:

> _Richardson told CBC News that border guards referenced her 2012
> hospitalization, and not her book, in denying her entry into the U.S._

Third, this result is not unique to people who have spoken out:

> _The Psychiatric Patient Advocate Office has received reports from more than
> a dozen Canadians who have been denied entry into the U.S. because their
> records reveal they have a mental illness._

> _It’s important to note that police officers, by virtue of their role as
> emergency responders, are the first to arrive at the scene of a mental
> health crisis. They respond to the person experiencing a mental health
> crisis and often escort the individual to the hospital emergency department
> or other health care facility for medical assessment. This is the moment
> when the mental health police record is generated._

[https://ontario.cmha.ca/news/woman-denied-entry-into-the-
us-...](https://ontario.cmha.ca/news/woman-denied-entry-into-the-us-because-
of-clinical-depression-history/)

------
nefitty
I’m doing ok-ish. I’m waiting to start a new job but I’m afraid maybe some of
my past mistakes might have an impact on the ultimate decision. I’m in a
really tight financial bind (on top of it all, the only family car broke down
yesterday). This new job would be life-changing in terms of financial security
and my future career. Taking a cue from this site, I think I will take action
by reaching out tomorrow to the recruiter I’m working with.

All we can do is keep our chins up and try to keep moving forward!

~~~
prawn
Best of luck on the job front!

------
Gymkana
This reminds me of an interesting difference in language semantics when I
moved from the UK to the Bay area. In the UK it's normal to say "alright?" as
if to say hello. I found people would respond "why wouldn't I be?" or
something along those lines as if they looked like they weren't OK. It
interests me as I find in the UK we are less likely to talk about feelings
than in the US.

~~~
srtjstjsj
Can you explain what you mean?

~~~
wfreeborn
"Alright" is a common greeting in the UK, similar to "How're you going".

~~~
082349872349872
also works in at least french, german, and spanish.

(I think the big dividing line between cultures is whether it's surprising or
not to answer with full sentences how one is doing upon being asked
"alright?")

------
petercooper
There's a similar thing in the UK which has seen some promotion on the radio
and the press generally: [https://www.time-to-
change.org.uk/asktwice](https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/asktwice)

Unusually it's targeted more at men. The idea is that you need to ask the
question multiple times as men are allegedly more likely to say "yeah, I'm
fine" the first time, so you need to ask a second time to apparently ensure a
truthful response.

------
peterburkimsher
I think any time is fine to ask "Are you OK?" In Chinese, 你好嗎？is as common as
hello.

The reply indicates the level of trust they have in you.

If they say "Yes, of course!" then there's nothing to worry out. "Fine" means
they're not fine, but they don't trust you enough to tell you why. If they
actually tell you what's really on their heart, you now know that this person
thinks of you as a trustworthy friend!

~~~
srtjstjsj
It's the same almost anywhere. The greeting question doesn't matter. It can be
Hi or What's Up. People open up to people they trust.

------
Prcmaker
No, I'm not, but I'm working on it and I will be. It's been interesting today,
seeing people at work walking around together, using work-sponsored coffee
vouchers specifically to have a coffee with a colleague today, my face clearly
says 'I am not okay', yet only two people have spoken to me at all today, some
have clearly avoided me.

~~~
kdembler
Hey, do you want to chat?

~~~
Prcmaker
Thank you, champion, but no. I've got people to talk with, and I am using
that. Not everybody does though, and it disappoints me to see so many people
missing that point.

------
spiderfarmer
Good stuff. Even though a lot of people just don't want to talk to anyone when
they're depressed, it doesn't hurt to remind them that there are always people
willing to listen.

~~~
koonsolo
In my experience, the people helping you out are the ones that went through a
similar thing themselves.

They are also the ones that can give you the most emotional support. Because
you will see that you are not the only one, which already helps a lot.

------
annoyingnoob
I tried a bunch of times to help a supervisor that was an alcoholic. He
wouldn't even talk about it. Helped his family when he was in the hospital
with pancreatitis. Offered everything I could. He never did get help, lost his
job, lost his family, ended up dead in the street a couple of years later.
Still makes me sad.

------
est
on a side note, "R U OK" is a meme in China, originally taken from a clip of
Xiaomi's president LeiJun public English speach.

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRU-
fwS6aAU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRU-fwS6aAU)

~~~
pp19dd
Funny how four letters can take one in so many tangential directions. For some
of us old farts, it's also a memorable KMFDM song from 1999:
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEC1qpfLY1E](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEC1qpfLY1E)

~~~
Minor49er
I was going to mention this song too. I'm glad to see someone (ultra heavy)
beat me to it!

------
forgotmypw17
Kudos for the devs making the site accessible to no-JS and no-image browsers.
Site looks great.

Society makes demands of us and then classifies it as "dis-order" when we have
issues with the demands.

Here is to more peace and comfort in the life of anyone reading this comment.

------
telaelit
I wish this would be a completely normal thing to do. I think if we were more
genuinely compassionate and cared more about each other’s lives then this
world would be a better place.

~~~
slx26
Sadly, I think the problem is not even a lack of compassion, but the fact that
many people don't have anyone they trust, and there's a lack of shared spaces
where they could belong and eventually connect with others that could help
them. Everyone needs connection (well, let's leave schizoids aside for today),
and connection requires people being together in the first place. And only
then starts the hard part, as a lot of people is pretty particular about
connection, trust and openess towards others, but where do we expect to go if
we are already failing at getting people together in the first place.

While I'm happy about visibilizing mental health problems, I feel pretty
similarly to many other issues that we try to visibilize: that's only step
zero, and no one seems to bother to talk about step one afterwards. While it's
possible to help specific individuals, we are not getting closer to the root
of the structural problems impairing our societies.

------
birksherty
No. I don't think I am depressed. I just don't want life. I was given a life
without my consent, atleast give me option to exit without pain. People have
children for selfish reasons, their life has no meaning, bored, what will they
do in life, so have children, life becomes less painful. Now those children
will have to do the same, it's a cycle. There is no meaning to be honest.
People talks nice things but ultimately ignores that there are lot of
suffering in whole world because people are seilfish and wants to have baby.
They never think that those babies don't remain baby & then thay suffer.

Of course there are some good times, but for most days there are lots of
stress. Every morning I have to work everyday in a job I don't like, even the
commute is stress. Then I will become old, have some desease. Why do I need
this? Just to live and to wait till the day I die. What if I don't want any of
this, bring the day closer, so I don't have to do this longer. Don't worry I
don't have the courage to do the thing. I am just ranting. The elites will not
let me have the easy way out option untill I serve all I can and get old. They
are priviledged and they decide all.

~~~
hirundo
There are several options to exit without pain. I found one on the internet,
and have prepared it. It was inexpensive and the components are not
particularly suspicious. It's ready to go when I am.

Somehow that makes me appreciate life more. Being able to leave at will makes
staying sweeter. I can let go of much of the stress by knowing that it is
voluntary and temporary, which lets me focus on the simple pleasures. Of which
there are many.

I'm not ready to go, partly because I am ready to go.

~~~
srtjstjsj
I strongly suggest you throw those supplies in the trash. You can re obtain
them if really needed. As it is, you are one bad day from taking an action
that (based on populato statistical evidence) you will most likely immediately
regret but cannot undo.

~~~
hirundo
Possibly true in the case of someone dealing with bipolar disorder or acute
depression. Not so much for someone with decades-long depression or chronic
physical pain.

------
AnotherGoodName
I had a few people from Australia calling me here in the US yesterday (which
was the 10th in Australia) for exactly this. It's nice. Had a good chat and
caught up on things over there and here.

------
NashHallucinate
Privacybadger drew my attention to

googleads.g.doubleclick.net

static.doubleclick.net

fonts.gstatic.com

cc.swiftype.com

www.youtube.com

snap.licdn.com

------
person_of_color
No. Because tech blogs and forums like HN/Blind constantly make me feel I'm
getting underpaid.

~~~
ashhimself
I know the feeling.. found out recently that someone in my team is on a good
80k more than me!

~~~
smabie
No one is going to pay you more unless they think you're valuable and you're
departure is a credible possibility.

I know it's a lot of work, but the best strategy is to interview for jobs
consistently and regularly, regardless of whether you are happy with your
current job. Shop around your offers, get companies to fight over you. Use all
the leverage you have. You don't get more money without demanding it.

Power and money are never given, they are only taken.

~~~
ciceryadam
At my 2nd full-time job, starting as a junior in a team, I got a higher
starting salary than what I was comfortable asking at the interview, plus got
a yearly 10% salary increase for the next 5+ years. When I left the company I
still got invited to the Christmas party, even though I was no longer working
for them. Also, the local managing director grew out from being a developer
15+ years prior (in the same company), and new all his 300+ employees by name.
There are always exceptions to a rule.

------
shard972
No

~~~
peterburkimsher
You're not alone.

If you need someone to talk to, I'll listen. Here's some headphones, MP3s [0],
and chocolate. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

[0]
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=welW04x876g&list=PLfNF8TQij0...](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=welW04x876g&list=PLfNF8TQij08rRJMIp0i5kFg0_LmZJ6RrM&index=1)

~~~
srtjstjsj
Where's the chocolate?

~~~
peterburkimsher
Do you accept cookies?

