
Why people shouldn’t love you for who you are - melissajoykong
http://www.sean-johnson.com/why-people-shouldnt-love-you-for-who-you-are/
======
guylhem
The conclusion, "People have a right to expect more from you" seems dead wrong
to me, and I don't really see any answer to the question asked by the title.

If you are want some better answers, read instead this little gem ESR posted
on Google+ a little while ago:

[http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-
yo...](http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-
person/)

Let's say that the person you love the most has just been shot. He or she is
lying in the street, bleeding and screaming.

A guy rushes up and says, "Step aside." He looks over your loved one's bullet
wound and pulls out a pocket knife -- he's going to operate right there in the
street.

You ask, "Are you a doctor?"

The guy says, "No."

You say, "But you know what you're doing, right? You're an old Army medic, or
..."

At this point the guy becomes annoyed. He tells you that he is a nice guy, he
is honest, he is always on time. He tells you that he is a great son to his
mother and has a rich life full of fulfilling hobbies, and he boasts that he
never uses foul language.

Confused, you say, "How does any of that fucking matter when my
(wife/husband/best friend/parent) is lying here bleeding! I need somebody who
knows how to operate on bullet wounds! Can you do that or not?!?"

Now the man becomes agitated -- why are you being shallow and selfish? Do you
not care about any of his other good qualities? Didn't you just hear him say
that he always remembers his girlfriend's birthday? In light of all of the
good things he does, does it really matter if he knows how to perform surgery?

In that panicked moment, you will take your bloody hands and shake him by the
shoulders, screaming, "Yes, I'm saying that none of that other shit matters,
because in this specific situation, I just need somebody who can stop the
bleeding, you crazy fucking asshole."

EDIT: I tried submitting it, but it's marked as "dead". I guess the website
got on HN bad side. Too bad, it'd have made a great discussion.

~~~
cousin_it
That's a great article, thanks for the link!

> _If your dream girl or guy had a hidden camera that followed you around for
> a month, would they be impressed with what they saw?_

Now I want to try walking around imagining that my dream girl is watching me
:-)

~~~
graeme
That's actually really good advice. I believe Seneca had something simliar,
acting as if the better version of yourself were watching.

Unfortunately, following through on those ideas probably requires closing this
Hacker News tab....

------
GiraffeNecktie
It's important to distinguish two, seemingly contradictory positions:

1 People won't love me for who I am. In fact, it's the job of the rest of the
world to show me where I need to improve. But, on the other hand ...

2 I should love people for who they are. It's not my business to make people
over. My job is to make myself over. There's more than enough work to be done
there. Working on other people's supposed failings is just a distraction from
my real business.

That's a rough paraphrase of Byron Katie's "Work", an approach that has helped
me tremendously for the last dozen years or so. Whenever I get miserable it's
usually a clue that I'm working on someone else's 'business'.

~~~
mtrimpe
So it's like Postel's principle (be liberal in what you accept no strict in
what you emit) for relations?

~~~
GiraffeNecktie
Yep.

------
kstenerud
This post, like many contrarian posts, tackles the "problem" by swinging the
pendulum all the way to the other side.

It's up to you to decide which parts of you you're not willing to compromise
on, and stick to your guns on those parts.

Sure, if you find that too many people dislike you, do a little soul searching
and perhaps change your stance, but don't allow yourself to be boxed in by
other peoples' expectations of you. They're human just like you are, and their
expectations can be just as unrealistic and unfair as yours.

Ultimately, YOU decide how you live your life. How much of that you allow
other people to influence is your own concern, as are the consequences. Just
don't go whining about it when things don't go your way.

~~~
yarou
While I agree with most of your points, I have to disagree with your last one.
It is only a half-truth to say you decide how you live your life; there are
many factors, such as socioeconomic status, where you live, etc...things you
cannot in certain circumstances control that determine how you MUST live your
life.

------
sakopov
> _The next time you find yourself wishing someone loved you for who you are,
> check yourself. It’s likely you’re trying to justify something about
> yourself that isn’t that great. Have the courage to examine yourself
> thoughtfully, to humbly receive feedback from those close to you, to
> recognize it’s most likely changeable, and to have the conviction to make
> change happen._

Well, if your partner tells you you're farting too often than that's one
thing. If someone wants to change something about you that you and others
around you have grown to appreciate then you should be asking yourself if
you're with the right person.

Being a servant is dangerous unless both parties agree on this approach in a
relationship. I've lost count of how many times I've seen two people together
where one changed to accommodate the other partner and ended up being a
perpetual ass-kisser, leaving everything and everyone behind while under
constant control of his/her significant other. The other person may never be
happy and this can end very bad for both parties involved.

When people are genuinely looking for someone they're not looking for someone
to change. They're looking for someone who can complete them. They're looking
for their opposite in some aspects. The right person won't try to change you.
They'll embrace that you're different.

------
mnicole
Cowering to people's expectations of you in hopes that you will impress them
really depends on the problem and the person, and can be incredibly degrading
and depressing if you feel you've done the effort to fix your situation and
the outcome doesn't change. Personally, I think we already expect too much of
people and don't accept variety _enough_.

A girlfriend breaking up with you because "she can't love you for who you are"
is a blessing in disguise. Do you really want to check every box on her list..
what was next? Love is not a game of putting each other through some sort of
obstacle course to perfection; personal growth is attained through inspiration
of the other.

Do you really want to keep working at a place that doesn't want you around?
Your "real talk" might be offensive in some circles, but it sounds more like
day-to-day office life just wasn't in this guy's cards. It takes a wake-up
call to pivot your life towards things you should really be doing, not
catering yourself to where you've accidentally crash-landed, likely just to
pay for one's basic needs.

Relationships do not have to be chores. Jobs do not have to be chores. You can
find people and places that love you for who you are and wouldn't have you any
other way.

> Lots of people tell others and themselves “I’m just a disorganized person”
> or “I get on edge when I get hungry – it just happens” or “I can’t help it
> if I’m blunt.”

> They're wrong.

Er.. I don't think any of these are bad things (if not just natural and
expected) and if you're judging people by them, maybe you should find some
bigger fish to fry.

~~~
chc
Those are frequently euphemisms. A "disorganized person" is often somebody who
breaks a lot of promises (e.g. "Sorry, I know I'm supposed to be there helping
you with that thing, but I can't make it — I'm so disorganized"), while "on
edge" and "blunt" are both basically less-blunt ways of saying "an
inconsiderate asshole."

------
eddorre
I wouldn't put too much stock into what this guy says; he's not a mental
health professional.

The problem with geeks nowadays is that we are conditioned to think logically
about problems and find solutions to them. Unfortunately, this gives us the
perception that our logic can solve all problems as if they were puzzles.

This leads geeks to give advice out of their domain. Armed with a little bit
of knowlege, we give advice as if we understand the problem fully and
completely.

I think that this akin to an astrophysicist adivising people how to build and
scale a Rails app just because he read a Rails introduction book.

But don't listen to me, I'm a geek speaking outside of my domain. If you're
having interpersonal issues at work/home or struggling in general, I urge you
to seek a professional in these matters.

------
xijuan
The truth is that personality stays relatively stable over time. The author
seems to believe that people are born as blank slates and thus we can easily
change our behaviour and personality..The reality is that we are not born as
blank slates. We are born with many innate qualities (i.e., temperament,
intelligence). I do agree that we can change some of our habits. But there are
aspects of ourselves that we simply can't change. For myself, I think it is
anxiety and depression. It is part of me. I can do things to minimize it but I
will still be prone to it. I think my future partner really just has to accept
this imperfect aspect of me.. I feel sorry that he will have to deal it with
me.. But in turn, I will also accept his imperfections. Isn't relationship
more about tolerance and compromise?

------
kvasan
Who are this post intended audience? (surely not all) How do you know that you
are the person before this 'change', and have not already made one to many
sacrifice of your self.

Maybe Im stating the obvious, but I can't see this being true for virtually
all people, yet how do you know I youre one of them.

------
thewisedude
Another way to think about this is- Who is the real you? Because you are
changing! When you are 21 years old, you might be one person, when you are 30
years old you might have evolved for better or for worse!

Is the real you when you are 1 year old, or 1 day old?

If somebody were to love you for exactly who you were say when you were 10
years old, the moment you change, you become unlovable is it?

I think this quote shouldn't be a guiding principle or be given as much
importance!

------
echobase
I don't think this guy's message is all that complicated. He simply advises a
little self-awareness and to not go around acting like your shit has no odor.

------
ahoge
Oh, this one is fun. As far as everyone else is concerned, you're only defined
by your actions. What you do is who you are.

You can do whatever you want.

What a twist!

------
alenam
I think we should love people more. We have to be idealist. "If we take man as
he is – we make him worse, if we take man as he should be, we make him capable
of becoming what he can be".
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=f...](http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=fD1512_XJEw)

------
adnam
This kid thinks I'm "alive for a reason" and "bets it's something great". Pass
the sick bucket.

------
ibudiallo
It's interesting to see how a lot of these commenters feel like they are
keeping it real and showing this article is wrong.

