
How to make a friend fast - trurl42
https://happyturtlethings.net/how-to-make-a-friend-fast/
======
cs2818
Maybe it's because I find this research area intriguing, but I did not think
that this summary adequately captured the efforts of the original paper [0].

I think it was unfortunate that this piece did not begin by conveying that the
original study's authors specifically state their goal "was to develop a
temporary feeling of closeness, not an actual ongoing relationship".

Additionally, like many social psychology studies the nuances of the design
and methodology are extremely valuable, yet this piece deems them as "dry" and
mostly "devoid of enthusiasm". Anyone who has contributed to the design of
substantial social psychology studies can tell you just how carefully each of
these details is considered in design, implementation, and analysis. The
original article [0] is full of detail, context, and discussion, and is
definitely worth a read.

[0]
[https://psychodramaaustralia.edu.au/sites/default/files/fall...](https://psychodramaaustralia.edu.au/sites/default/files/falling_in_love-
aron.pdf)

~~~
neuroticfish
>I think it was unfortunate that this piece did not begin by conveying that
the original study's authors specifically state their goal

Except that they began the piece by conveying exactly that:

>But it's a far stretch to say that such an accomplishment truly creates
reliably long-lasting relationships, regardless of the immense immediate
effect.

~~~
savolai
What seems to be missing is actually mentioning that it was the opinion of the
original authors, as well.

------
flyGuyOnTheSly
Makes enough sense to me...

If you don't know anything about anybody... like the homeless man rummaging
through my recycling bin right now looking for bottles... It's easy to look
down on them or just write them off.

But if a neighbour told me anything about that same man... perhaps that he
lost his job last year and thus just tries to supplement his income by picking
up bottles in his spare time... I would feel immense sorrow even just looking
at that man (who is still a stranger to me). Enough so that I would probably
offer him some extra cash and a bite to eat if I had it.

I witnessed a man break into my neighbor's house the other day... which
enraged me at first (what if it were my house?!) but when I saw the man who
did it... I immediately felt sorry for him.

This was a desperate, dirty, homeless man with a smile on his face as the
police dragged him away. He was probably just looking for some shelter to
sleep that night.

The house that he "broke into" did admittedly look abandoned. And I found
myself trying to justify the reasons that he might have tried to break into
the house, rather than hating him silently.

All because I got a look at him.

~~~
jondubois
Lack of resources can make the kindest, most altruistic person behave in
extremely ugly, selfish ways.

You don't know who someone is until you see them go through poverty. Also, you
don't know who you are yourself until you experience that terrible feeling of
scarcity.

For me, greed is the worst human attribute. When I see rich people being
greedy, I find it hard to imagine how much worse they would be as human beings
if they were poor.

~~~
coldtea
> _You don 't know who someone is until you see them go through poverty._

The inverse is also true: you don't know who someone is until a) they get rich
and/or powerful (and change), b) you go to poverty (and e.g. they prove to be
only "fair weather friends").

And I would just more harshly someone who reveals themselves to do bad things
or be a bad friend when they get rich or when you get poor, than someone doing
bad stuff when THEY get poor.

Because desperation can force one to do things they don't want or like (like
borrow money and not give it back or even steal), but the others don't have
that excuse.

~~~
TheSpiceIsLife
I think we vastly underestimate how much of an affect our environment-the
circumstances we find ourselves in—has on us.

Different aspects of our personality are revealed, or developed(?), in
different settings. Temperature, time of day, how tense our muscles / tendons
feel, how well we sleep, I think we underestimate how much all of these
contribute to what we call 'personality'.

~~~
coldtea
> _I think we underestimate how much all of these contribute to what we call
> 'personality'._

I agree.

But there are still people who are not changed much in important qualities
despite big changes in their circumstances (e.g. from poor to rich, or from
obscurity to fame or power, or vise versa) and others who change behavior
totally with the subtlest of life changes.

(E.g. now got a more high paying job, let me dump my lower earning friends for
people more to my class).

~~~
3pt14159
Just watch out that they dropped their poor friends for the reason everyone
expects.

I don't give a fuck if someone is rich or not, and I have a number of poor
friends[1], but I made the conscious decision to cut out friends that I
wouldn't befriend if I met them today. Many of the people I cut were poor, but
it's not why I cut them. I cut them because they stopped growing after or
during highschool. When I talk about politics or society I don't want to feel
constrained. I don't want to have to explain things like the catch up effect.
I don't want come over with an expensive scotch and have people mix it with
Coca Cola.

I understand that labour mobility and the internet have lead to a fracturing
of society into different enclaves of intellectual and (usually) fiscal
subgroups, but I don't want the only reason I'm hanging out with former
highschool friends to be that I read Coming Apart and I'm worried about social
cohesion. It's too high of a price.

[1] Most of them are either PhD candidates or in a profession that they love
that just generally doesn't pay well, like Singer Songwriter. To me and I feel
to most people that cut their social group sometime in their 20s or early 30s
class or culture is the critical distinction, not wealth.

~~~
coldtea
> _I don 't want come over with an expensive scotch and have people mix it
> with Coca Cola._

Well, on the other hand, I don't want to be "friends" with people who judge me
by my knowledge of drinking etiquette.

Who gives a duck for how one drinks an "expensive scotch" (sic) compared to
friendship?

I'm not sure what bond was broken when someone upgraded friends based on how
they treated an expensive scotch, but it was no real friendship from that
person's end.

While above says "I don't give a fuck if someone is rich or not", the whole
criteria seems to be "they're out of my new social class and don't share its
interests and pastimes" \-- in fact, you openly admit class plays a big role.
So it's not about "being rich", but about having brought up and/or behaving as
a rich person -- same difference.

>* It's too high of a price.*

The price of keeping a friend like a real friend would do, despite their lack
of sophistication?

~~~
3pt14159
You're focusing too much on one small demonstrative aspect that I shouldn't
have even bothered to include because it misses the point.

I have friends with unsophisticated tastes, but they have other aspects that
are laudable and interesting. For example I have a friend that works as a
stage actor in Toronto. He doesn't have sophisticated tastes, but he's
passionate about art and we can discuss aspects of each others work and get
mutual enjoyment.

Something I didn't mention in my original comment is that I grew up in a
strange part of Canada: Georgetown, Ontario. Georgetown had the last KKK march
in Canadian history, it still to this day has not implemented public transit
because of fears of enabling people of Pakistani origin, it is the
headquarters for Jehovah Witness for Canada, etc.

Why should I continue to befriend people that are mildly to moderately racist.
That send me Mary Kay emails. That organize bachelor party cottage weekends
knowing full well that I personally find prostitution and stripping disgusting
(though I think it should be legal) and purposely hide the fact that they used
some of my funds to hire escorts for the weekend. Funds they said would be
used for beers and spirits that we recommended on the Facebook event only to
buy bud light and Canada Club. "Friends" that waste my time by calling me and
asking me if PayPal is a good way of taking money online (I say "no, use
Stripe) only to find out that they're involved in some sort of $20 contest on
the side of a cereal box and they don't really respect my opinion anyway, they
just want to hear that what they want to be true. "Friends" that bitch about
high taxes, immigrants, and haven't even done the basic work of thinking
through how they would be without public healthcare or how they wouldn't be in
the country if their parents didn't come here from Holland in the 50s. But
that's ok right, because Dutch people are white. "Friends" that are against
same-sex marriage. "Friends" I've never talked to about being Bi and what
their supposedly Christian viewpoint would mean for me if I ever wanted to
marry a man.

I have nothing in common with these people anymore.

You're right though, it is about class and I'm not so deluded or dishonest to
say otherwise. But class isn't wealth, even if it is correlated with it. I
demand more out of myself and others and I shouldn't be friends with people
just out of loyalty. I should be friends with people because I love them and
because I respect them. And history counts for something, but it isn't
everything.

~~~
Chris2048
> I personally find prostitution and stripping disgusting (though I think it
> should be legal)

seems like they are one "kind of person" and you are a another.

------
enraged_camel
After a two year period of watching my boss interact with people, I can
confirm that this method works extremely well.

He is a "natural", in the sense that he can form close bonds with people
incredibly quickly. At first I thought he was using some sort of secret
strategy, but after a while I noticed that he was simply sharing personal
details about himself (which the article refers to as "self-disclosure")
without being prompted, which encourages, and in fact compels, the other side
to reciprocate.

Here is an example conference call conversation from two weeks ago, in fact,
in which we were chatting with a potential client to schedule a meeting. Bob
is my boss:

\--

 _Bob: Okay. Let 's have an in-person meeting next week. What day works best
for you?

Client: How about Thursday at 2?

Bob: Sounds great. You know, I'm glad you didn't say Wednesday because I have
to be with my two little girls that day, and I definitely could not miss that.
They mean the world to me.

Client: Oh yeah, I understand. In fact I can relate... I have a daughter
myself!_

\--

And then when we actually met in person this past Thursday, the topic of their
daughters was a natural conversation point.

In contrast, I tend to be fairly reserved when it comes to sharing personal
info. I like to stay on topic and dislike what I perceive as derails. The
above conversation for me would have gone like this:

\--

 _Me: Okay. Let 's have an in-person meeting next week. What day works best
for you?

Client: How about Thursday?

Me: Sounds great. See you on Thursday at 2 PM._

\--

Similar, but also very different.

~~~
camillomiller
Good luck doing that in Germany without being seeing as a weird egomaniac

~~~
ams6110
Yeah I'm not German (except by ancestry) and I get really uncomfortable when
conversations go like that. Why is this guy trying to convince me he's such a
great dad? What's his angle with that? I would definitely not take something
like that as a sincere "personal disclosure" from someone I'd never met. I'd
take it as more like a greasy salesman tactic.

~~~
mariodiana
I don't know if you're familiar with the title (it's a classic on the
subject), but my understanding is that, in China, Dale Carnegie's "How to Win
Friends and Influence People" is sold under the title: "The Weaknesses of
Human Nature."

One more anecdote about that book. In his Playboy interview, Marlon Brando
referred to it as "a book on hustling."

I bring this up because for some crazy reason, in the United States, this kind
of "interpersonal communications" stuff is promoted as a great thing. And yet,
like you say, it boils down to a person having an angle. I read that book when
I was a freshman in college and thought it was fantastic. A little while later
though I read the Marlon Brando interview, and after my initial shock I
realized that he was basically right.

For every individual who develops a "genuine interest in other people" (as the
book implores its readers to do), there have to be five or ten others who read
that book and think only how it will help them make a buck.

At least the Chinese are unsentimental about it.

~~~
crucini
However Carnegie doesn't advocate self-disclosure. Quite the opposite - he
advises shutting up about yourself (and your organization, product, etc.) and
listening to the other person.

~~~
1337biz
That's the way I understood his writings as well. The older I get the more I
disagree on that. It is just as important to share and position one's own
identity and actively communicate it.

------
jodrellblank
Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality (
[http://www.hpmor.com](http://www.hpmor.com) ), Chapter 7:

""" _Draco giggled. "Yeah, right. Anyway... to answer what you asked..." Draco
took a deep breath, and his face turned serious. "Father once missed a
Wizengamot vote for me. I was on a broom and I fell off and broke a lot of
ribs. It really hurt. I'd never hurt that much before and I thought I was
going to die. So Father missed this really important vote, because he was
there by my bed at St. Mungo's, holding my hands and promising me that I was
going to be okay."_

 _Harry glanced away uncomfortably, then, with an effort, forced himself to
look back at Draco. "Why are you telling me that? It seems sort of...
private..."_

 _Draco gave Harry a serious look. "One of my tutors once said that people
form close friendships by knowing private things about each other, and the
reason most people don't make close friends is because they're too embarrassed
to share anything really important about themselves." Draco turned his palms
out invitingly. "Your turn?""""_

~~~
rasz
First thing that came to my head! Got linked this fanfic on hackaday ~5 days
ago and could not stop reading despite not being a Potter fan.

------
hannob
Word of warning: This is a social psychology study from 1997. There's been a
lot of evidence lately that social psychology the way it's been done in the
past is a huge mess and calling it pseudoscience isn't that far off. The field
is only at the beginning of cleaning up that mess.

Any study that old that hasn't been replicated with rigorous scientific
standards is about as valuable as a magazine horoscope.

~~~
gaspoda
Hi, can you point us to some up to date research ?

------
Mz
_Does that mean that some close, naturally-forming relationships don 't get
nurtured as lovingly as was achieved in a 45-minute conversation?_

As one more random data point: I am a chatty extravert. Sometimes people
imagine they are close to me when they are not.

~~~
slackingoff2017
> Sometimes people imagine they are close to me when they are not.

Ah yes, my greatest fear interacting with people confirmed.

~~~
sgustard
That's one of the attachment types referenced in the original article. "I am
uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that
others don't value me as much as I value them."

[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults#Anxious.E...](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults#Anxious.E2.80.93preoccupied)

~~~
cJ0th
Are these types widely acknowledged? To me it looks like the Barnum-effect is
at work.

~~~
ascorbic
Attachment theory has a sound experimental basis, and is the dominant model
used in the study of child behaviour. Its use with adults is less dominant,
but is still very much mainstream psychological practice.

~~~
cJ0th
Thanks for the clarification. I might should look into some issues then ;)

------
yjlim5
Interesting how this psychology paper showed up in the context of "making a
friend." I had only known of this study as a way of creating romantic
relationship, through a NYT Modern Love piece "To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do
this."

The method is hardly fast though - it requires two people to set aside a good
chunk of time in a quiet setting to fully experience the gradual escalation of
self-disclosure. When trying out this method in real life, what about the fact
that you chose that one person to try this with? The reasons behind that
choice would contribute much a successful result of this method but still left
unexplained.

~~~
novia
I went through all the questions with 3 other people in the same room all at
once about 5-6 years ago. I did not know any of them well. We all became
friends and are still friends to this day. It was like magic.

~~~
Tepix
How did it come to pass?

~~~
novia
One of the other three suggested it, not sure why, and then we did it.

For each question we would take turns answering it. We were allowed to say,
"Pass," if the question made us too uncomfortable or, if we couldn't think of
a good answer fast enough, we could pass and come back to it after everyone
else had answered.

We were already at the level of acquaintances, close enough to be at the same
location, hanging out, but I didn't trust any of them yet, and they barely
knew me.

~~~
pbhjpbhj
Did you hang out with other groups of people who you're no longer friends
with?

I wonder also if it might be commitment to the experience as much as the
experience itself that affirms the bond and establishes a platform for ongoing
friendship.

~~~
novia
_Did you hang out with other groups of people who you 're no longer friends
with?_

Yes? One person in particular, I became friends with them extremely quickly
about 2 years ago. There was no contrived questionnaire involved, we just
clicked, but after one falling out, the bridge was completely burned.

------
Aron
I can't help but note that A. Aron was the lead writer. You done messed up!

~~~
wenc
Good one. Not many people are going to get this joke, Key and Peele fan. :)

~~~
throwanem
All of us named Aaron will, though.

For those who aren't, or are and somehow haven't yet had this pointed out:
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dd7FixvoKBw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dd7FixvoKBw)

------
SaintGhurka
You can see this played out every day in designated smoking areas. I've
observed smokers tend to become friends quickly. As smoking is increasingly
frowned upon, everybody who shows up in the smoking area is sort of opening up
and sharing a weakness with the other smokers just by being there.

~~~
RhysU
It existed before the non-smokers called it a weakness. It's called assuming
you have something in common with your fellow man, and being willing to make
small talk under only that pretense.

Source: two weeks into quitting.

~~~
tucaz
I'm 78 days and 3 hours into it. There's not a day where I don't miss it, but
there are no more cravings at this point. Just the good memories :P

Stay strong!

~~~
rapind
Almost 7 years. You won't think about it unless you smell it... then you miss
it a bit, but just a bit.

You might put on a few pounds too as you start to actually taste food.

~~~
fattire
>You might put on a few pounds too as you start to actually taste food.

TL;DR How to Make a Friend Fast -- (1) smoke with them, so when they quit and
need to drop a few pounds (2) they'll start fasting.

------
phaed
I think I might have permanently damaged my vision with that #FFF on #000
color scheme. I still see text floating in the air.

~~~
coldpie
What, really? I'm relieved it's not the #EEE on #FFF combo that seems so
popular these days.

~~~
phaed
Give me #CCC on #222 any day.

------
donretag
"Low ego-identity makes same-sex pairs closer, high ego-identity makes cross-
sex pairs closer"

Perhaps this statement is true, but is the end goal for both parties the same?

For some reason, I find myself befriending mainly females (I am male). Yes, I
have a high ego. However, I can never tell if the other person is interested
in a friendship or something more. I always want to put them in the friend
zone, but I have awkward situations in the recent past where these friends
have either made subtle and not-so subtle advances. I am not interested in
anything more than friendship. I do not want to lead anyone on. So yes,
perhaps that pairing works well, but is friendship the goal?

In addition, males tend to bond during "experiences", so what I have been
seeking as of late is more male friendships. Other males are more inclined to
go on multi-day backpacking adventures. According to this study, males with
low-ego are likely to become friends, but I seek high ego/high energy friends.

~~~
fl0wenol
Don't bother. You aren't going to enjoy yourself as much long term by
surrounding yourself with high-ego people; there'll be too much needless
conflict and it won't be worth the emotional effort after the fact.

Instead, go for high energy but less ego. At the start deflate your own for
their benefit, let your guard down; essentially "putting yourself out". Come
down to their level for the first few outings.

Once you have their trust you can back off (slowly) so you don't seem fake or
patronizing; if they say something or notice a change in their behavior be
honest with them: explain how it's been difficult to make friends with shared
interests. Hopefully they will trust you enough to look past any perceived
slight and continue the friendship.

You may still need to be conscious of your ego or energy level if there's a
big group disparity, you don't want to be singled out because they perceive
you as difficult and them have the rest bond over that.

~~~
LoSboccacc
> being difficult and have the group bond over that.

or, the sociopath way, which is even faster: identify the group difficult
subject and join the pileup on it without adding new opinions but just
reflecting and circulating those of others in the group.

------
suneilp
This is fascinating. I have for a long time been the introverted socially
incompetent and weird (partially) one.

A lot of that has changed for me recently. Going to Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu for a
year now and doing more yoga has really helped me to figure out a lot of
traumatic issues from the past, especially with racism during childhood.

It's really reduced my fear of socializing with people. I'm now somewhere in
between extrovert and introvert and I've noticed that self-disclosure happens
a lot more and interactions have improved with strangers. Even small talk
happens now and then. I've always hated small talk.

I don't like the extrovert/introvert/attachment type labelling though. Reading
on them or discussing them with others has some kind of effect of boxing you
in to self-limiting thought patterns. It can be a good starting point to
figure things out, but I implore people to not think you're stuck in your
ways.

~~~
nikofeyn
i just want to point out the danger of associating introversion with social
incompetence because the association is a poorly realized stereotype. it is
entirely possible and not uncommon for an introvert to be highly socially
competent.

introversion and extroversion are more descriptors of how one handles mental
energy than ratings of social competence and degrees of shyness.

for example, i can be very social and outgoing at parties, but they completely
exhaust me, and i don't like them. i am introverted because i prefer to direct
my mental energy in a more inward, reflective way, and any process that
impedes that (e.g., a party) can be very exhausting. it has little to do with
how well i can handle myself socially.

~~~
icebraining
A good example is Audrey Hepburn. Movie star, UNICEF Ambassador, yet she said,

 _“I have to be alone very often. I 'd be quite happy if I spent from Saturday
night until Monday morning alone in my apartment. That's how I refuel."_

------
turc1656
Not sure I agree that "agreement on important issues" should be on the "things
that don't matter" section.

I know that stuff in particular matters big time to me, even just for friends.
My closest friends tend to see the world very similarly to me than people I am
much less close with. In fact, more often than not I end up pruning out the
people that think drastically differently than I do. Most of the time this
just happens naturally because I tend to be more wary about what I say and
talk about once I know someone is extremely different than me. My spidey sense
puts me on high alert and I basically enter a super-PC, "what every word that
comes out of your mouth" mode. Occasionally, I deliberately reduce
interactions and they go from being a close friend to being just a casual
friend or acquaintance.

~~~
BenJahman
It seems you didn't wait social networks to live in a bubble ;)

~~~
aperrien
Or living a life with interpersonal conflicts over topics is not something
that they enjoy?

------
kharms
Does anyone know what is meant by "high ego identities" and "low ego
identities?"

~~~
Danihan
I was wondering this too. I'm pretty sure I have both.

For instance, I fundamentally think I'm pretty great when compared to any
"average person." And even most "high-functioning" people. However, I realize
that talent is essentially meaningless in the grand scheme of things without
tons of social proof you're always perceived as a nobody, so I still work my
ass off and try not to let my own aptitude go to my head.

Is that high-ego or low-ego?

------
pasbesoin
Here's the paper cited in the lower left corner of the graphic (and in the
text above, I now see):

[https://psychodramaaustralia.edu.au/sites/default/files/fall...](https://psychodramaaustralia.edu.au/sites/default/files/falling_in_love-
aron.pdf)

which only caught my eye because of the "A. Aron" author. I'm almost certain
this is the husband of Elaine Aron, who launched the identification,
qualifier, and description of the "Highly Sensitive Person" (HSP).

[http://hsperson.com/](http://hsperson.com/)

Arthur's paper is dated 1997, while Elaine's first book on the HSP type was
published in 1996. Which I find to be an interesting correlation in time.

More recently, Elaine has (in my limited knowledge) been focusing on the
concept of "ranking and [or, versus] linking".

[https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/attending-the-
undervalu...](https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/attending-the-undervalued-
self/201001/ranking-and-linking-better-and-worse)

The OP topic here reminds me somewhat of her perspective on linking.

~~~
pravda
> [http://hsperson.com/](http://hsperson.com/)

So I went there, and read the 8 bullet points under "Is this you?" and then I
thought, well yeah, that applies to everyone!

Here's one: "Do you get rattled when you have a lot to do in a short amount of
time?"

That's a "Barnum Statement" [1]

[1][https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barnum_effect#.22Barnum_statem...](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barnum_effect#.22Barnum_statements.22)

------
k__
"Low ego-identity makes same-sex pairs closer, high ego-identity makes cross-
sex pairs closer"

Can confirm. Over the years I minimised the amount of same sex friends in my
life dramatically.

------
Steeeve
Oh come on. It's not like anyone needs a lesson in these kinds of things.

<bookmarks page>

------
theprop
What were the gradually escalating intimate questions asked?

------
Dove
Personally, I find the recipe of kindness, honesty, laughter, generosity,
loyalty, plus a bit of magic to be both practically effective and somewhat
philosophically profound.

------
markatkinson
I read this as how to convince a friend to start intermittent fasting.

------
rodrigosetti
I clicked thinking this was about making a friend go without eating

~~~
colecut
same!

------
zumu
Are there really 'high-ego'/'low-ego' individuals? Is it not a spectrum over
time? Is it not controllable to some degree?

How is this different than toning down the ego a notch when trying to make
platonic friends, while trying to be confident when looking to make romantic
partners?

~~~
coldtea
> _Are there really 'high-ego'/'low-ego' individuals? Is it not a spectrum
> over time? Is it not controllable to some degree?_

Obviously it's a kind of a spectrum, but at the same time, there definitely
also are low ego and high ego individuals, whose ego, even if their
fluctuates, it remains high or low relative to the average person.

------
Animats
That reads like the instructions on pick-up artist forums.

~~~
teirce
Really? Does it? "Find a person, learn about each other's personal lives,
gradually escalate," sounds like some 'the red-pill' nonsense to you?

~~~
fragmede
That phrase is easily modified to take on a darker tone: "find a person, learn
about each other's personal lives, gradually escalate to sleeping with them"
makes me cautious. The very notion that it's possible for one person to
engineer closeness has echoes within the pickup artist community, so it's
worth unpacking the differences.

If one person has zero interest in the other person past as a means to a very
specific end (sex), and is wholly untruthful about that, then it veers away
from scientific study of friendship and closeness.

Taking it a step further: "find a person, learn about their personal life,
exploit their weaknesses, escalate to sleeping with them" is definitely red-
pill territory, and while it might be unfair to judge the original phrase
after being modified, the only difference is the knowledge and intentions of
one party within an unchanged process.

"Learning about each other's personal lives" has a strong assumption that the
stories themselves are truthful and without pretense past a socially-
acceptable normal level as human beings.

~~~
pensast
Interest depends on context. Just because someone isn't interested in someone
at first, doesn't mean they won't be after meeting them again.

Would you say the same thing about introducing people to food? I have a friend
that hates steak because every time he had it, it was cooked well done.

It wasn't until I took to to a good steak place that he completely changed his
mind. Did I manipulate him? Or just show him another way?

------
DustinOfDenver
White letters on black background... my eyes are still seeing those letters.
Is it just me?

------
highprofit
the author fails to mention that certain many things need to be in place first
before you even have the first interaction that leads to potential close
friendship...first impression elements such as streotype, prejudice, culture,
assumptions, expectations, attraction, etc are all split second decisions we
make that can affect how the interaction will go or if there is ever going to
be interaction to begin with...the article completely ignores these aspects
which are important specially in diverse multi cultural envrionments

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krick
That would be absolutely unreadable if not for firefox "Reader View" feature.
Picture is still unreadable, of course.

------
mcguire
" _These manipulative geniuses chose a handful of university-level psychology
classes early in the semester, divided the student volunteers (who didn 't
know each other) in pairs, and asked them to engage in an exercise designed to
increase their closeness._"

Psychology is the study of the psychology of psychology undergraduates.

" _Those with dismissive-avoidant personalities didn 't get as close_

" _The dismissive-avoidant is one of the attachment types in the study of
social attachment in adults. It pertains to people who feel more comfortable
without close social relationships, highly value their independence, they
suppress and hide their feelings, and deal with rejection by distancing
themselves from its source. The other personality types in adult attachments
include secure, and two other insecure types: anxious-preoccupied and fearful-
avoidant. These three personality types all reported on a higher (and similar)
level of closeness achieved than the dismissive-avoidants._ "

Well, that lets me out, then.

~~~
Xcelerate
> The dismissive-avoidant is one of the attachment types in the study of
> social attachment in adults.

I've always wondered whether attachment style is not so much a function of the
individual, but a function of the interaction between two individuals, where
each party plays a role. I can think of many people that I am "secure" with,
and others who I am "avoidant" with.

------
senthil_rajasek
Let me hazard a guess, study done mostly with American subjects and majority
of them being white.

I would love to see a qualifier like "How to make a friend fast in America?"

~~~
frebord
Go get butt hurt somewhere else. You have no idea whether that is true so why
can't you leave your mouth shut and enjoy the potential implications of the
study.

~~~
senthil_rajasek
The implications of the study are useful only in certain contexts, it is not
universal. You can't talk about your intimate feelings to a stranger of the
opposite sex in Saudi Arabia, for example.

------
colecut
I have seen so much information on the benefits of intermittent fasting
lately, I interpreted this headline as "How to stop a friend from eating" =)

------
CiPHPerCoder
The flowchart in the beginning is very heteronormative. :(

~~~
mmmpop
Yeah I'm not sure that's the best way to go about it. Gender plays little-to-
no role in being friends with someone. I'm too old to let sexual whatever get
in the way (and too committed to the one person that seems to love me just as
I am).

~~~
pbhjpbhj
Sex [noun] absolutely plays a role in friendship. The intimacy of sexual
relationship is a pertinent difference to a relationship the possibility of
which changes the way people interact across the sexes. It may not be (as)
pertinent to those who're bisexual/asexual/whatever.

You appear to intimate that if you were younger and unattached sex would pay a
role, but that at odds with your 2nd sentence. Perhaps you could expand on
your reasoning?

------
adrianveidt
I'd add one more question under Closeness-Generating Procedure: “What
important truth do very few people agree with you on?”

------
Cephlin
Does this person write their n's and m's upside down? I can barely read their
handwriting, it's really odd...

Does it say freud? I assume it's meant to say friend...

Does it say watters? I'm assuming it's trying to say matters?

It took me about a minute or two to deduce these meanings though...

------
tejasv
lock them up and dont give them any food

------
howfun
What software was used to make this nice diagram?

------
nthcolumn
Steal his lunch?

~~~
pbhjpbhj
I know you're being humorous but it might work - creates a situation in which
you can console them, then offer help. Maybe from the CIA playbook of
"creating a quick connection"?

------
megamindbrian
This reminds me of that scene in Silicon Valley where Bertram tells Dinesh he
can make a friend just as good as his friend. Someone told me a while ago if
you want to have a personal connection you have to be personable yourself and
tell someone something honest and truthful. I've had much better luck since
then. The middle box on this diagram is good advice.

------
divbit_m
Added to my daily flash cards

~~~
harry8
Interesting. How are you using flash cards in this sense, can you provide some
more details please?

~~~
divbit_m
The main point is to not let myself be basically formed by (just) whatever I
see on internet / tv / reddit / hackernews / etc. but also what I personally
find valuable to increase / decrease myself on that.

------
iosDrone
Things like this are why people laugh at Silicon Valley, this is a very
aspie/robotic approach to this topic.

~~~
Bakary
What's interesting to note is that no matter how you dress it up, human beings
are indeed biological machines and respond in surprisingly predictable ways.
The companies which specialize in data gathering and analysis are increasingly
able to corroborate this observation with concrete examples and algorithms.
It's of course a tautology, but "normal" social interactions are just that: a
set of arbitrary norms. Normal people are just as robotic as aspies in the
sense that they mechanically respond to stimulus, except that we've
collectively agreed on a delineation between what is considered robotic and
what isn't.

It sounds abstract but you can immediately understand the idea simply by
describing human behavior in literal terms and focus on the feeling of unease
you experience from doing so.

Besides, if people manage to build strong connections with the scientific
method, is that really so bad?

~~~
seppin
> What's interesting to note is that no matter how you dress it up, human
> beings are indeed biological machines and respond in surprisingly
> predictable ways.

Is that why people that use a process to try and explain what people will do
are nearly always wrong? Economics, politics, etc. People do respond to basic
triggers of biology, but we have very little understanding of these trigger
and where they originate from.

~~~
Bakary
It will certainly be interesting to see if data analysis can garner a greater
understanding of these triggers over time.

------
threepipeproblm
Hmm, I guess 'extrovert' is an acceptable spelling nowadays, even though it's
the wrong Latin root.

~~~
pepve
Both "extrovert" and "extravert" are correct. Contemporary language use does
not always care about latin, however sorry I am for that.

But the author of this post goes even further, and uses both spellings in the
same sentence!

 _In extravert-introvert pairs, extroverts report on greater closeness than
introverts_

That can't be right...

~~~
35bge57dtjku
Is intravert correct? I have to know if it's that symmetrical.

~~~
threepipeproblm
No, 'intravert' is not correct AFAIK

