
Eight years today - paul
http://paulbuchheit.blogspot.com/2012/03/eight-years-today.html
======
paul
I know this isn't obviously startup related, but it is. Please read.

~~~
wpietri
Thanks for writing that, Paul.

Six months ago, I lost a family member to glioblastoma, another one of those
"get your affairs in order" cancers. It was 3 months from beginning to end for
us as well.

In the interim, it seems like I've had two sorts of conversations. Ones with
people who have experienced loss, and ones with those who haven't. The latter
group are perfectly nice people, but there's a gap. So I am very grateful that
you've taken the time to write about issues that are so present to me and so
many others.

And yes, of course this is about startups: Beginnings and endings. Loss and
acceptance. Presence in the moment. Creation and joy. And choosing wisely how
to spend what little time we each have.

~~~
dogas
I lost my mom to glioblastoma. I remember times, near the end, when my mom was
so sick that I almost wished she would die sooner, so I could remember her as
she used to be, and not frail, sick, unable to form sentences, or remember who
I was.

Indeed there is absolutely a divide between those who have lost a close loved
one and those who have (yet) not.

It's been about 5 years since it has happened, and it's affected me in a
profound manner. Although I'm only 32, I see how temporary everything is.
Perhaps it's a morbid viewpoint but I'm not sad or depressed. It's just an
interesting philosophy I have naturally gained from going through something so
terrible. It's sort of an "it is what it is" type of mentality, and it's
almost like I feel that my real age is like 65.

Ever since then, I "take stock" very frequently to ensure that I am living the
life I want to live, and I am happy. If I am not, I make changes. Because I
know things can sour very quickly. I understand fully now when older people
say things that generally equate to "value being healthy", or "health is
wealth". I try to value that philosophy every day, and ensure I find happiness
in my job, my friends, and family. Indeed, that is my highest priority.

------
SkyMarshal
_> Sometimes, when I write about startups or other interests of mine, I worry
that perhaps I'm communicating the wrong priorities. Investing money, creating
new products, and all the other things we do are wonderful games and can be a
lot of fun, but it's important to remember that it's all just a game._

It's also a means to an essential end - real wealth creation - that in turn
enables us to fund advanced medical research and other long-term bluesky
projects that improve the human condition.

There are only a few ways of creating real wealth. You can harvest raw
materials from the ground, be they animal, vegetable, or mineral, and apply
labor + capital + innovation + time to turn them into products worth more than
total cost of their inputs.

That delta in input->output value we call profit, or net revenue, but what it
really represents is wealth that was _created out of thin air that didn't
previously exist_. This is perhaps the greatest magic trick humanity has ever
invented, and makes all else possible.

You can also provide specialized products or services that reduce the cost of
labor, capital, innovation, or time in that equation, which also creates
wealth. Much of the software-based startup scene is about both reducing the
time and cost of innovation and labor and increasing the value of the computer
hardware produced by the first method.

So just keep in mind that those of us fortunate enough to be working in this
field are not just competing in a game, we're creating real wealth that can
then be used to improve the entire human condition, be it medical, social,
governmental, etc. Being good to ourselves and each other is not orthogonal or
mutually exclusive to our day jobs, but an ultimate outcome of them.

Paul, whether you realized it or not, you were and are working to save your
brother's life, and that of everyone else struck by the whim of nature. It
just didn't happen quickly enough, but it's a hard task. One day we'll get
there.

------
diogenescynic
This was incredibly sad, but one of the most deeply relatable stories I've
read for anyone who has lost a loved one or struggled with grieving. Thank you
for submitting, it brought back a lot of memories (good and bad). This part is
the must read: I keep looking for meaning, but all I've found so far is that
in order to be at peace with the present, we must be at peace with the past,
because the present is a product of the past. Accept.

------
alaskamiller
You first learn to accept, accept, accept, then you learn to cope, cope, cope.

You must also learn when to fight, when to submit, and most importantly the
balance in between.

For humanity didn't progress by simply accepting, simply coping, nor can it
survive further by always fighting.

Take care.

------
mbreese
I drove by the same tracks earlier today and I had a very similar initial
reaction... I was driving my kids to daycare and couldn't figure out why Menlo
Park traffic was so busy that time of day. Drivers in front of me were acting
odd and I was starting to get a bit angry. I was in a hurry and people were
driving like idiots.

Then I drove by the accident. And my mood shifted immediately. I didn't need
to see anything more than the police car blocking the tracks. I knew that it
was a tragic situation and saving a couple of minutes on the way to drop my
kids off were trivial in comparison.

It's a sad what it takes to snap us back to reality.

------
2pasc
I can relate so much, unfortunately. Reading this post, and all the details
that you provide about that day - I can remember so well the day that I
learned my sister had an accident... and the night that she passed.

I found out it took a lot more effort to get back to normal life afterwards
and I feel encouraged that you have been able to.

The worst part is the need for meaning - in what happened and in what you want
to happen for your life - and the high burden it can impose on someone. Two
years in, I feel that acceptance is indeed the only way to be able to fly
again.

Thank you for this post paul... and good luck handling that day and remember
your beloved brother.

------
cellularmitosis
those whom enjoyed the zen sentiment of this post ("accept, accept, accept")
will also enjoy's Paul's "I am nothing".
<http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=2908015>

~~~
Herring
I can't help but think it should be investigation & discernment & equanimity
rather than acceptance. In buddhism, (as far as i've seen) peace doesn't come
from trusting that there's beauty in everything.

~~~
ajju
Equanimity requires acceptance, at least for me. If you keep asking yourself
"Why?" or its terrible cousin "Why me?", it's hard to be equanimous.

The post didn't say that there's beauty in everything, it said that everything
that happens, together forms something beautiful. That life is ultimately
meaningful in a beautiful way, despite its terrible moments.

------
devs1010
I lost my brother a year ago tomorrow, he's also named steve so I found this a
bit eerie.. In his case it was self inflicted after a long struggle with
bipolar disorder. Thanks for sharing, its good sometimes to hear from others
who have gone through an abrupt loss of a loved one too young. Its given me a
new perspective on things, at least I hope. It can be hard to find meaning in
a career after something like this but I feel one day I will hopefully do
something to impact this world in a positive way

------
szany
_A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever
is around to be loved._

\- Kurt Vonnegut

------
joedev
Well done. Thank you for sharing this intimate part of you. Please, please
everyone: take heed: "Those who push only for the sake of some future reward,
or to avoid failure, very often burn out, sometimes tragically. Please don't
do that."

To those not taking heed: Being and Internet Celebrity today will provide you
no comfort in that not-to-distant tomorrow when your spouse, children, family,
and friends have realized that they are not the most important ingredients of
your life.

------
octotoad
"Ultimately, the people who learn to love what they do who will be the ones
who accomplish the most anyway. Those who push only for the sake of some
future reward, or to avoid failure, very often burn out, sometimes
tragically."

This is one of the best pieces of advice I've read in a long time. Worthy of
being framed and hung on the wall above my workspace.

------
JDulin
First of all, thanks a lot for sharing this Paul. I have just entered college
and have only just started to see the importance of these lessons you
illustrate: Accepting the past and being good to ourselves and each other.

Unfortunately, they are learned too late in life by too many people. I myself
have spent too much time working for the sake of some future reward instead of
the love of my work. The problem with this is that it can create unhealthy
feedback loops. You keep working, certain that sooner or later this work you
hate will pay off. And when it doesn't, you think you either didn't work hard
enough and try again, or you finally decide to find work you love. But when
you've spent the past working for a reward that never came, it's really hard
to accept the past. That's where some of the most painful burnouts come from.

------
mrkmcknz
Thank you for sharing this Paul.

It puts 'our world' into perspective and makes you think hard about what
really matters to you deep down.

When you're young out of college you don't often think about family and your
personal future.

I think we should all do that a bit more.

------
rokhayakebe
Make it a point to talk to your parents, and siblings every other day. The
absolute minimum should be once a week. Even just a quick "I am busy, but I
just wanted to see how you guys doing". Just do it.

~~~
edwinnathaniel
People need attention and affection. That's probably one of the basic human
needs to survive (long-term not short-term).

That's not to say that people are crazy for attention...

------
tmsh
I know Paul has caveated advice before in a Startup School talk ('advice =
over-generalizations + limited life experience...', I think..). But this seems
like such useful advice at all timelines (in work and personal life):

 _I keep looking for meaning, but all I've found so far is that in order to be
at peace with the present, we must be at peace with the past, because the
present is a product of the past._

One of those things that's so obvious that it's easy to overlook its
importance.

------
darksaga
Thanks for a great post Paul.

I had a similar experience when I was in college. I was close to finishing
school, partied a lot and generally went through life without a care. One
night, we were at a bar, and the trains ran right through town and right
behind the bar we were at. I was waiting for a friend. When he finally got
there after work, he walked up to our table like a zombie, he was completely
pale, like a ghost. We asked what was wrong, and he said he just saw a guy
kill himself by walking on the train tracks as the train was coming. He was
just getting out of his car and saw the whole thing but was powerless to stop
it. He said he didn't feel like drinking tonight and turned to walk out of the
bar. My group of friends all looked at each other and we all had the same
reaction. Time to go. The rest of the night we talked about the fragility of
life, and to make sure you tell your family you love them everyday and to
enjoy the time you've been given.

Needless to say, that night was a wakeup call. Ever since then, I try and keep
a good perspective on what's really important. It's always nice to get a
gentle reminder though, so thank you.

------
raju
"What happened, happened. It's difficult to understand the big picture when
our lives are mere brush strokes on the canvas of reality. Trusting that it
all fits together to form something beautiful is the purest form of faith.
Anything else is a dangerous distraction. No contracts with God, no
expectations of reward, just trust."

It has been a principle of mine for the longest time - "Dust to dust, ashes to
ashes. There is no reason to vie for a better unknown. Act for here, act for
NOW. I can, maybe hope to leave behind a memory for my loved ones to cherish,
and if I am fortunate, maybe a legacy for others to look up to."

Thank you for the sentiment, and for sharing. I have not lost anyone close but
your words struck a chord with me.

RIP Stephen.

------
bootload
_"... What's most important is that we are good too each other, and ourselves.
If we "win", but have failed to do that, then we have lost. Winning is
nothing.... Please be good to each other, and your self. ..."_

Hard won perspective. I'm sorry for your loss Paul.

------
pagehub
Thanks for sharing your story, it's good to remember the truly valuable things
in life.

------
gsharm
This reminds me of Paul Graham's recent list:

<http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3686840>

Except there is no mention of cancer. Is a solution really so much out of
reach?

I feel like there's an identity issue here to blame, something along the lines
of "we're programmers, we're not about making medical breakthroughs".

Yet I can't shake off the notion that everything, absolutely everything, is
interlinked, and we're in a better position, perhaps the only position, to
understand and exploit this concept fully, in order to solve such problems.

~~~
dmix
PG mentioned cancer 6 times in:

7\. Ongoing Diagnosis

This is a real problem hackers could solve: early detection of health problems
which leads to preventative treatments.

Although I lack any type of expertise outside of building a health startup I
think this is probably one of the biggest ways we could reduce the impact of
cancer on society... given the technology we have right now.

It's not a matter of medical break-through though, but about building the
right monitoring tools, creating meaning out of data, getting people to use
them and the greatest challenge for startups: dealing with significant
government regulation.

~~~
bhickey
The sensitivity-specificity curve is going to be a roadblock. If your False
Positive rate is 0.5%, True Positive rate is 100% and your incidence of
disease is 0.1%, the probability that a positive result is indicative of
disease is only 17%.

Take a look at mammography, the false negative rate is estimated as high as
30% and the false positive rate of 65%.

If you can stratify your population (ie. increase the disease incidence),
you'll do a bit better, but it's an uphill battle. Sure, late detection is a
factor in the median life expectancy with pancreatic cancer. However, I
suspect that if tumors were detected 6 months earlier, it would move the
median survival time by 6 months and make no dent in the 5-year survival rate.

------
leeskye
I have never lost anyone in my immediate family but this made me choke up,

"He was gone, but his belongings were still there... It does not feel good to
pack up the remains of your brother's life."

RIP Stephen

------
run4yourlives
Fuck Cancer.

~~~
MichaelApproved
By "Fuck Cancer", do you mean that "Nations should stand together and help
drive forward the research and development it takes to prevent and fight
cancer"?

~~~
melling
The nations of the world aren't going to unite and solve the problem, but the
people reading HN could try to figure out what more can be done. Think about
these people that we've lost due to pancreatic cancer and maybe it'll motivate
enough people, or the right people, that something significant can be done.

Randy Pausch

Steve Jobs

Stephen Buchheit

Patrick Swayze

Ralph Steinman

After Steve Jobs died I looked into where best to give money for research, but
I haven't followed through yet. Seems like Stanford or Randy's site might
provide the best leads:

[http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/stephen-
beck/randypaus...](http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/stephen-
beck/randypausch)

<http://cancer.stanford.edu/help/gift.html>

Any other recommendations?

~~~
rdl
Donate blood, too. Platelets are especially helpful with many advanced
treatments.

In the Bay Area, I suggest Stanford Blood Center
(<http://bloodcenter.stanford.edu/>).

------
mc
Thanks for writing this paul. From time to time, it's important to recognize
the things that truly matter.

------
eps
There are people who lost their loved ones and those who haven't yet. This is
something one has to live through to understand and it is life-altering. In
other words, former don't need the "be good to each other" advice and latter
can't really appreciate it.

It's a good piece though, Paul.

------
rdamico
Paul, thanks so much for sharing this. It's very touching and really
underscores how easy it is to loose sight of the big picture in life. Very
appropriate especially for those caught up in all the craziness that comes
with a startup.

------
lutorm
Having just now had a conversation about whether we should trade quality of
life for an opportunity to work on something cool and make more money, this
felt eerily relevant. Thanks for sharing.

------
eapen
Related?: [http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-
bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2012/03/11/...](http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-
bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2012/03/11/BANI1NJBCP.DTL&tsp=1)

------
koningrobot
You can tell yourself some story that whatever happens is "beautiful" in the
end, or that accepting the present moment is somehow "virtuous". Or you can
acknowledge the truth, which is that reality sucks, that we weren't made for
it, that it wasn't made for us, and that nothing is accomplished by us simply
remaining to exist in the face of that. That's right, there's more we can do
than just be nice to each other: we can refrain from creating the next
generation of sufferers.

Life is unfair, you say. Let's recognize that and act accordingly.

------
cjstewart88
Thanks for sharing that Paul, really... thanks.

------
Todd
Thanks for sharing your story, Paul. I lost my young brother to a cycling
accident last year. Best wishes.

------
pasbesoin
Hey, Paul. Nicely put. Thanks for sharing it.

------
dos1
I love posts like this. It's always great to get a healthy dose of
perspective. I save articles like this to reread for when I'm getting terribly
stressed at work. I think it's tremendously important to recenter priorities
every so often. This was well written and I'm glad I read it.

