
I cut off all contact with my mother. It made my life much better - eplanit
https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/i-cut-off-all-contact-with-my-mother-it-made-my-life-much-better/2019/01/18/cc454e9e-1529-11e9-90a8-136fa44b80ba_story.html
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wjossey
Exceptionally tough concept for many to understand, but I became estranged
from my father and step mother during the final six months and two years of
life respectively. In my case, it was in direct response to ultimatums given
in an attempt to get both of them into recovery / rehab for alcohol abuse.

It’s an exceptionally difficult decision for any person to make; however, it’s
often a necessary decision to protect yourself and your family (my wife in my
case). It’s unfair to your spouse, as an example, to put them through
significant emotional abuse and derision.

In my case, the “how will you feel if they die” example wasn’t a
consideration. The parents I had growing up were not the same ones that had
been ravaged by alcohol. Those people had long since died, and i had already
had to go through that grief process. For people who make the decision to cut
ties, they’ve potentially already dealt with the same grief as a death, just
without the person actually “dieing”. Hard to comprehend, but that was my
experience.

~~~
axaxs
Well put. Thanks for this, and sorry for your loss. Your last paragraph is
something I'd never considered before, but makes perfect sense and hits a bit
close to home.

~~~
wjossey
Thank you!

Lots of life is tough and complicated, and there tends to be a significant
amount of shame associated with stories like mine. I do my best to flip it
around and share my experiences so others don’t feel so alone if they are
going through something similar. I feel no shame around my experience, and I
hope others choose to not carry that emotion as well.

------
Jaruzel
Several years ago, I finally cut off relations with my own Mother. After
several bouts of therapy it became very hard to ignore that she was and always
had been a toxic influence in my life. As an adult through my 20s and 30s, I'd
try to 'play-nice' and invite her over to visit (she lived in Spain, and may
still do, I have no idea), from the moment she arrived to the moment she left,
she tried to manipulate and emotionally blackmail not only me, but my partner
and even my young daughter. When that stopped working she'd get her husband to
do the same every time I was alone with him. She made me miserable even when
she wasn't around, and I would be constantly stressed knowing that I'd have to
interact with her, something I tried to do for the sake of my daughter. I feel
no emotional bond with the woman; she has treated me awfully my entire life.

Since stripping her from my life, I no longer feel the guilt and burden of
maintain a relationship that really wasn't good for me.

Blood is _never_ thicker than water. It doesn't matter who the person is; if
they are not a positive element in your life, then cut them out. Like you
would a cancer.

...

Before someone thinks 'ah but I bet he carries some blame regarding the
deterioration of the relationship' \- nope. My sister, who is several years
younger than me, has also cut my Mother out of her life. In fact she did it
before I did.

~~~
jbob2000
I’m in this phase right now where I’m trying to cut off my mother, for the
same reasons you listed.

The thing that _kills_ me is she knows she’s hurting me and tries to change.
She can make the changes for a few weeks but then reverts back to her “normal”
self. It’s like watching an addict relapse, it’s so goddamn hard. I know
there’s a human in there who loves me, but goddamn it, the demon who wants
clean floors always wins.

~~~
xapata
Clean floors is all she wants? Doesn't seem terrible. I'm guessing that was a
tip-of-the-iceberg kind of thing?

~~~
jbob2000
She has an idea in her head about how the world should work and she has a tome
of rules and regulations that you must follow at all times. Lots of yelling
and screaming when these rules are broken. There is no scale to her reactions.
You walked on the floor with bare feet? Same reaction as if you broke a
cherished heirloom.

~~~
polotics
Looks like comorbid irritability, have her checked for thyroid dysfunctions.
Hashimoto's a good candidate.

~~~
jbob2000
This would explain the harsh reactions, but doesn’t explain the need to create
rules for everything. The more I think about it, the more I think that the
rules are just an excuse to give into an anger addiction.

------
scardine
My father abandoned the family when I was 13. I started working as an
apprentice in the railroad at 14 in order to help supporting 3 younger
brothers. My salary went straight to my mother.

At night I was studying to become a certified electronics technician at a
vocational school. One day someone from the staff told me I would be barred
from the exams because I haven't paid tuition (a month after this the school
was incorporated by a state-owned university and went tuition-free otherwise I
would never graduate). So picture a mother that will steal tuition money from
his son and you can imagine how my mother leeched me for years. This kind of
abuse has consequences for life.

Sometimes your parents are very bad people and there is nothing you can do
about it. And no, I don't really care if either of my parents live or die, in
some way they are already dead for me.

~~~
justinclift
Yeah. I started a company some years ago, and asked my mother to take care of
the books as her job history was office/admin stuff.

Fast forward a few years, she forged my signature on paperwork to ASIC
(www.asic.gov.au), making her the sole director of the company.

Not really a person I have time for any more. :(

------
temporallobe
Estrangement is tough but sometimes necessary, and in fact it’s easier than
maintaining a toxic relationship. I am fully estranged from my father and
sister, and partially from my mother, with whom I have very occasional
contact. The reasons are complicated, but suffice it to say that my family
history is very troubled and sad. My sister is a nacotics addict who has two
children greatly affected by her addiction (both were born addicted and were
in an ICU for a month). She doesn’t have legal custody of them, but my parents
enable her behaviors and allow her to have the children even she’s not
supposed to have unsupervised visits, etc. A long time ago, and with the help
of many therapists over the years, I have decided to cut ties, though it was
too hard to completely break all contact with my mother. Of course, most
people we know are baffled by our estrangement because my parents seem like
“such nice people”. But this solves a lot of problems and in fact the sadness
I feel is worth not having to deal with the horrible emotional roller coasters
and certain fears my wife and I have regarding the safety of our own children.
It’s a sad but necessary solution to a complex problem.

------
shawnb576
I'm on this train too, I cut ties with my mother last fall. she loves me but
it comes out in toxic ways that she doesn't seem to have insight into. as i've
grown in life, things have gotten harder and harder with her as we continue to
(naturally) grow apart. it got worse when i got engaged, then worse when
married, then worse when we had kids.

when it became clear that her only motivation in the relationship was
adulation from me, and that she was willing to sabotoge or hold-hostage other
relationships to get her way (withholding attention from my kids, accusing my
wife of being against her, etc), I realized this wasn't healthy.

it makes me sad that there was no other option. but i don't regret it.

------
lgleason
My parents were both in the counseling field. Very few people are beyond
redemption. While I fully support this in extreme circumstances, more often
than not, from what I've seen, estrangements are more about mental health
issues with the person who is cutting things off than the person accused of
being toxic. The family was for a long time the safety net for people, now we
have put that faith in the government... Out of the two I trust my family more
than I trust a bureaucrat that has no loyalty to me.

The other issue is that as our parents and relatives get older their mental
condition declines. Some of the extreme views and "toxic" behavior that older
people can have stems from that. So instead of having some patience and
gratitude for what they've done for us we are now taught to cut them off? I
guess them raising us as children, changing our diapers, making sacrifices for
us etc. doesn't count for any kind of paying it forward because..... me, me,
me, me, me.

~~~
DanBC
My colleagues are in the psychiatry and psychological therapy fields, and it's
well recognised that some parents are toxic and cause serious on-going
emotional harm to their children.

~~~
wjossey
I cut out my parents with the support (not direction of) my therapist. She was
very clear in our conversations that the way in which my father and step
mother were treating me was not acceptable behavior, and providing them with
guard rails around what will allow us to maintain a relationship was
appropriate.

So yes, 100% your comment. It’s a pretty easy argument to make.

Are there toxic and harmful people in this world? Yes. Are there toxic and
harmful people who have children? Yes. Are there toxic and harmful people who
direct that behavior towards their children? Yes.

------
gouggoug
Totally unrelated to the article:

Why does the washingtonpost hijack my browser history? I had to click my
browser's back button 7 times to get back to HN, this is an infuriatingly
annoying behavior that I wish websites did not have.

~~~
radford-neal
Yeah. But the more general question is, why do browsers allow that? Why can't
a browser have a "back" button that, you know, goes back...?

------
bitwize
I do my best to show my mother that I love her. Last Christmas, I bought her
some nice gifts. I do it in part because there are mothers like this in the
world, and not everybody is as lucky as I am.

~~~
gumby
I think that is indeed the majority case, and it's great you have that, and
also that you recognise that it's not universal.

It's unfortunate that people who can't have that for whatever reason get
shamed for it.

------
gumby
Both of my parents were estranged from their parents, and are now sad that
they are estranged from my sister.

But I was not condemned to repeat that in my own childrearing.

------
mikestew
"What if the asshole dies and you're still estranged?" Such a question reveals
an ignorance of how toxic people can be. And in my book, blood relations
doesn't get you a get-out-of-jail-free card for being an asshole. My family
has assholes, leeches, the works. Quite a few I get along with, quite a few I
can go to my grave having never spoken to them again and have not one regret
for having eliminated stress and conflict from my life.

Not that I've willfully cut anyone out of my life. I do have one sister that
stomped off mad one day, never to return. Good riddance, and contrary to
whatever fantasies you might harbor, you will not be missed, Sis. The rest I
just don't go out of my way to contact. I'd pick up the phone if any of them
called. Hell, my estranged sister could call and I'd pick up. But I'm not
going out of my way to add difficulty to my life.

So maybe I'm a sociopath, or maybe I'm more enlightened, you choose. But I
just don't get this putting up with shit just because "we're family!".

~~~
toasterlovin
FWIW, the level of prosperity that we currently enjoy in the developed world
is probably a once-every-100-million-years kind of event. It's a result of
increasing technological sophistication concurrent with reduced fertility. At
any other point in human history, you'd be a damned fool to cut off family
without a lot of thought and consideration. Family + significant other is the
only safety net that most humans have ever really been able to count on.

Editing to add: and if you think your family won't be important in your life
because you live in the developed world, you should take a look at current
European politics, then talk to older Europeans about the second war (or to
Eastern Europeans about life under communism).

~~~
nate_meurer
> _Family + significant other is the only safety net that most humans have
> ever really been able to count on._

I think this is true, but it's also one of the most common and powerful ways
in which abusers control their victims. Often, the most difficult challenge
that victims of abuse and domestic violence face is overcoming their
dependence, financial and otherwise, on their abusers.

