

You don't get shit you don't ask for - jaf12duke
http://www.humbledmba.com/you-dont-get-shit-you-dont-ask-for

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snprbob86
Great advice! Some people can be a bit shy about asking for things, so I
suggest you practice.

For example, I was recently at a reception which included a fixed menu dinner.
For the non-native speakers, a fixed menu means that you don't order your
meal, they just bring it to you. A waiter was walking around to each of the
many tables, quietly filling glasses of red wine. Red wine makes me sleepy, so
I asked for a beer.

A few minutes later, someone at my table asked me "How did you get a beer?"

I said "Um, I ordered it..."

"Oh? We can do that?"

"We're at a restaurant, he's a waiter. I asked and he didn't say no. So, ugh,
yeah. We can do that."

That tiny unfamiliarity of a fixed menu and an automatically filled wine glass
undid a lifetime of training on how to order things at restaurants.

You've got to ask for things, even if it feels unnatural or uncomfortable!

~~~
marshray
In the US, there are enough of us vegetarians around (and other dietary
restrictions) that they're going to expect some people to request
alternatives.

I've waited a few tables before (in the US) too. People with food principles
and allergies can be downright rude. Waiters are usually going to be so
pleasantly surprised if you ask for something nicely and politely, that they
will usually try to make you happy if they can.

Bartending is a completely different business however. :-)

~~~
snprbob86
Just after we sat down, they asked if anyone was a vegetarian, had any
allergies, or other dietary restrictions. I think that's pretty standard
practice for fixed menus.

------
pavel_lishin
This reminds me of the "Asker vs Guesser" culture comparison:
[http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/may/08/change-
li...](http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/may/08/change-life-asker-
guesser)

~~~
ChuckFrank
>> This is a classic case of Ask Culture meets Guess Culture.

In some families, you grow up with the expectation that it's OK to ask for
anything at all, but you gotta realize you might get no for an answer. This is
Ask Culture.

In Guess Culture, you avoid putting a request into words unless you're pretty
sure the answer will be yes. Guess Culture depends on a tight net of shared
expectations. A key skill is putting out delicate feelers. If you do this with
enough subtlety, you won't even have to make the request directly; you'll get
an offer. Even then, the offer may be genuine or pro forma; it takes yet more
skill and delicacy to discern whether you should accept.

All kinds of problems spring up around the edges. If you're a Guess Culture
person -- and you obviously are -- then unwelcome requests from Ask Culture
people seem presumptuous and out of line, and you're likely to feel angry,
uncomfortable, and manipulated.

If you're an Ask Culture person, Guess Culture behavior can seem
incomprehensible, inconsistent, and rife with passive aggression.

Obviously she's an Ask and you're a Guess. (I'm a Guess too. Let me tell you,
it's great for, say, reading nuanced and subtle novels; not so great for, say,
dating and getting raises.)

Thing is, Guess behaviors only work among a subset of other Guess people --
ones who share a fairly specific set of expectations and signalling
techniques. The farther you get from your own family and friends and
subculture, the more you'll have to embrace Ask behavior. Otherwise you'll
spend your life in a cloud of mild outrage at (pace Moomin fans) the
Cluelessness of Everyone. >> from [http://ask.metafilter.com/55153/Whats-the-
middle-ground-betw...](http://ask.metafilter.com/55153/Whats-the-middle-
ground-between-FU-and-Welcome#830421)

------
akikuchi
The article's bullet points are great, but I would emphasize one thing:

Don't be afraid to ask, but only AFTER YOU'VE DONE YOUR HOMEWORK. People can
be surprisingly helpful, but especially if it's clear you're working hard to
make each request count. They're much less likely to think you're wasting
their time if it's clear you've been hustling and see their help as a catalyst
for you working EVEN HARDER.

~~~
knshaum
That reminds me a lot of ESR's "How to Ask Questions the Smart Way". Two
variations of a general rule, I think: if you want someone's help, make it as
easy and hassle-free as possible for them to provide it.

<http://www.catb.org/~esr/faqs/smart-questions.html>

------
sosuke
The comments on the article directly quickly go into specifically not abusing
VCs, they are very busy etc but I think they are missing out on the larger
picture here that I am taking away from this story. No one is looking out for
my best interests and if I need something or want something the best
opportunity I have to get that is to ask.

------
rauljara
Excellent post, but I wouldn't have distilled quite the same catch phrase --
"You don't get shit you don't ask for" -- from that anecdote. It's more like,
"When someone offers you help, take them up on it."

~~~
SoftwareMaven
Except the general principle of "you don't get what you don't ask for" is true
and encompasses your thoughts. Whether it is an introduction to a highly
visible CEO or a conference you want to attend for work, if you don't ask, it
isn't going to happen. I would argue that even if they didn't offer
specifically to help (but didn't make it clear that they don't want to be
annoyed by you :), if you think they can help, ask them.

This is a philosophy I've lived by for many years. The only time you need to
worry is when the person you are asking is passive-aggressive. They may never
give you an indication you are asking too much, while you are unknowingly
destroying your relationship with them.

~~~
xiaoma
That risk certainly isn't just restricted to passive-aggressive people.

It's an issue with a lot of people from more polite cultures or higher context
cultures than your own. They likely _are_ giving indications of their
discomfort. Unfortunately askers are usually oblivious to those indications
and barrel on ahead anyway.

~~~
SoftwareMaven
You bring up a good point. If you are crossing cultures, tread carefully.
Cultural missteps can kill relationships.

------
MatthewPhillips
Good read. I had been sitting on an email for a few weeks to a possible
business partner because I didn't want to look like a moron that doesn't know
how things work (I am said moron). I just pressed send.

~~~
MrDunham
Well done! I too sit on emails for far too long - making up plenty of reasons
not to send.

You've inspired me to scour my inbox now

------
holdenc
Yes and no. There are some people who make a living asking 100 people a day,
and banking on the five people who say yes. Then others are fortunate enough
to have customers, investors and interested parties knocking on their door --
simply because they've made something really interesting. These people often
get things _without_ asking. And if you are bad at asking -- it's better to be
one of those people.

~~~
pavel_lishin
> There are some people who make a living asking 100 people a day, and banking
> on the five people who say yes.

Yeah, I never give those guys any change.

~~~
klbarry
Persistence is one of the major things PG looks for in founders, it is foolish
to mock it as a things only beggars do.

------
ChuckFrank
When leading my sales team, I always asked them to do two things clearly.

1\. State clearly why they were there

2\. State clearly what they needed.

Jason's note had two statements that did exactly that.

ONE >>Right now, we're preparing for the PhoCusRight conference next week, the
travel industry's largest get together. We're trying to make some connections
with people at the conference.

TWO >>Can you help us connect with leaders in the Business Travel divisions of
Expedia or Orbitz? Or any other introduction that you feel would help us?

Remember without those two simple points, you are wasting yours and other
peoples time. And then they wonder (very LA indeed) "And you are wasting my
time because?" - which is the last thing anyone should be thinking.

------
gallerytungsten
Good article, but it's "root" and "rooting" not "rout" and "routing." Somewhat
hilarious reversal of meaning via that typo.

~~~
jasonkester
Australians would think it hilarious with the correct spelling.

"rooting" for me? Uh, thanks, mate. But keep that sort of information to
yourself next time, eh?

~~~
rick888
yeah, I just learned about the meaning of that in Australia.

~~~
goatforce5
There's a clothing company in Canada called Roots. Their logo is a beaver.
They sell shirts that say "Roots" next to their logo.

Makes for a hilarious gift for your beer drinking Australian chums.

[http://usa.roots.com/PendrellSlimFitT-
shirt/MensTeeShirtTop/...](http://usa.roots.com/PendrellSlimFitT-
shirt/MensTeeShirtTop//03022984,default,pd.html?cgid=mensGraphicTShirts&selectedColor=0100)

------
warmfuzzykitten
So nobody else is offended by the title? I don't take advice from people who
talk dumb shit.

------
hippich
"You should never ask anyone for anything. Never- and especially from those
who are more powerful than yourself."

— Mikhail Bulgakov (The Master and Margarita)

~~~
gyardley
This quote needs context.

Wolland goes on to say 'they will make the offer and they will give of their
own accord,' and then, once he's made the offer, he encourages Margarita to
ask for whatever her heart desires.

In other words, when someone offers to help, take them up on it. Which is what
FlightCaster did.

------
niels
Reminds me of "All you have to do is ask" by James Altucher:
[http://www.jamesaltucher.com/2011/05/all-you-have-to-do-
is-a...](http://www.jamesaltucher.com/2011/05/all-you-have-to-do-is-ask/)

------
hxf148
It's true. Ask for what you want in this world, it will usually not be
offered.

I've had to get over my own personal shyness to help promote and market our
startup (<http://infostripe.com>) and at times it's been difficult to just ask
for help, opinion and testers. But when I do it's always quite rewarding.

Ask, speak your mind, be reasonable and the things you want are obtainable.

------
rglover
Wow. Perfect timing on this. I've been struggling to develop a mindset like
this when looking for a job. It's difficult, but you must not underestimate
the value of a connection, regardless of the initial interaction (i.e. it's
better to receive a "no" and be recognized than not known at all).

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hugh3
Inaccurate. I frequently get things that I don't ask for. Also, asking for
things inappropriately is a great way to annoy people.

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pizza_
This is good advice. On a first date, after introductions, I present a brief
presentation slideshow to the prospective mate where I lay out a dating
schedule in Gantt format denoting dates, first kisses, sex and falling in
love, including sexual position diagrams. For a personal touch, copy-and-paste
both your Facebook profile photos onto the people in the diagrams.

------
mannicken
Wrong. If you have something people want, they'll force money on you. Make
something people want. People are so naive, like they've never seen "Soup
Nazi" episode of Seinfeld.

