
You May Want to Marry My Husband - dankohn1
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/03/03/style/modern-love-you-may-want-to-marry-my-husband.html
======
incanus77
Even when you try to live for today, things can broadside you.

Last year, my wife, age 36, went from the healthiest person I knew to dead in
four months from aggressive pancreatic cancer.

[http://justinmiller.io/posts/2016/06/07/writing-move-
on/](http://justinmiller.io/posts/2016/06/07/writing-move-on/)

These things happen and underscore the frailty in thinking that the present
continues on unchecked and is bound by some sort of rule of inertia.

Don't wait; do the things you want to do today.

~~~
pmarreck
I'm very sorry. I hope you are coping as best you can. Good advice, though.

I might add (as I'm going through it right now for the first time at 44 with
my hetero domestic partner) to consider writing a last will and testament.
Some lawyers' fees attached to it, but a sound thing to have as a contingency.
It also forces you to think about your values.

~~~
clort
There are several legal documents that it might be wise to create in addition
to a will. My sister (an ICU nurse), has been agitating recently for us to
think about creating some kind of "advanced healthcare directive"[1] as she
sees many cases where lack of this is problematic. My mother (retired, getting
older) also wishes to set up an "enduring power of attorney"[2] as another
relative had a fair amount of trouble last year due to not having something
like this in place before the time of need.

[1]
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advance_healthcare_directive](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advance_healthcare_directive)

[2]
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enduring_power_of_attorney](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enduring_power_of_attorney)

------
sndean
Just yesterday my fiancee told me about her day:

A relatively healthy looking (and his chart agreed) 41 year old guy walked
into the clinic with a severe headache around 10am. By around 4pm she had to
tell his family he was likely brain dead.

Because of this and other things she's seen recently, we're planning more
trips. See the Seven Wonders of the World.

I've only left this timezone a few times before. And we've both spent the
first ~30 years of our lives in school... rethinking how much weight we've
been putting on things.

~~~
hkmurakami
In 2013, I nearly died from getting hit by a car. I was 28.

In 2014, a friend died in a car crash, a victim of a drunk reckless driver. He
was 27.

In 2017, my college roommate died in a lake accident. He left behind a wife
and 6 adopted children from Africa (he was a man of God). He was 32.

As others have noted, life is often long and investing in our future financial
wellbeing is a prerogative. But sometimes life gets cut shockingly short. Take
some withdrawls from the fruits of your hard work with those you love from
time to time; don't save all of it for a future that sadly might not come for
some of us.

~~~
finkin1
I think this is a hard balance for a lot of people. It certainly is for me.

If I _really_ think about it, all I have is this moment, right now. The past
is just an idea arising in my mind in this moment, and so is the future. Yet,
the future I want often depends on making sacrifices in the moment. Clearly,
saving all my money and never doing anything fun isn't the answer, and neither
is being high on drugs 24/7\. The answer to 'living the good life' must be
somewhere in the middle, but where exactly? The balance of 'actual experience'
(e.g. sitting on a beach getting wasted) vs 'remembered experience' (e.g.
hitting up museums and experiencing culture) seems hard to navigate. I feel
like I can't really trust my feeling/intuition here, because my brain is bad
at correctly predicting what will actually make me happy. There needs to be
some principle I can defer to, but I don't know what that would be.

I'm curious how other people navigate these murky waters.

~~~
jvreagan
I've always thought of it this way (since my 20s or so): 1\. If I died today,
would I have any regrets? 2\. If I live to be 100+, would I be a burden on
society?

I make decisions with the goal of being able to answer no to both of those
questions. I'm in my mid 40s. I don't always get it right, but I feel the
thought exercise is very helpful.

~~~
wry_discontent
I don't think it's a good idea not to have regrets. Maybe your definition of
regret is different than mine. I value my regrets tremendously. One cannot
learn and grow without making mistakes, and there's no reason, as far as I can
tell, to suspect that regrets aren't a zero sum game. If you do thing A, then
you've lost the time/money/opportunity to do thing B.

~~~
mynameisvlad
I consider a "regret" something that I would actively go back in time to
change. As of now (25), I would say I have none.

Now, that doesn't mean I haven't experienced mistakes, learned from them, and
grown as a person. It's just by the time the latter two happen, I no longer
would want to go back in time to change what had originally happened because
it's defined me so integrally as a person.

A great example for me is high school, which objectively sucked. At the time,
I had a million regrets but over the years, I learned a lot from them and
turned parts of my life 180 degrees around in university based on the things I
learned in high school. When someone asks me if I would go back and change
anything from high school, my reply has been a flat "no" for a few years now.

~~~
Broken_Hippo
I look at it quite simlarly, and I'm 38. It isn't that I don't wish I had done
things differently, it is that I did the best I could at the time. I learned
things I wouldn't have learned otherwise. Some of this is things like dealing
with my ex, after a suicide attempt and major mental health diagnosis.

But alternatively, I fully like my life. Had I taken a different path, I might
not have _this_ life. (I might be happy with whatever I wound up with, but I'm
happy I'm where I am).

~~~
mynameisvlad
> But alternatively, I fully like my life. Had I taken a different path, I
> might not have _this_ life.

This is exactly what it is. I'm sure that, had things gone differently, it
would have all worked out in the end, but life is all about happenstances. If
a certain chain of events hadn't happened, I wouldn't have met some of my best
friends, or gotten the jobs I've gotten, and I value what I have today
tremendously.

------
RangerScience
"To suspect your own mortality is to know the beginning of terror; to learn
irrefutably that you are mortal is to know the end of terror." (Children of
Dune)

~~~
Mz
But if you make your peace with your own mortality at a relatively young age,
it doesn't go over well to be too share-y about that with other people who
haven't yet done the same. It doesn't convince them you are wise. It just
apparently makes you scary as all hell. Or something.

------
somesickdude
I'm not posting under my normal account as would prefer not to publicly
disclose this to everyone.

There is no right answer as to whether we should save for the future or spend
every thing we want to do now and say fuck it since tomorrow may not come.

I do believe it would serve well to try and strike a balance if possible.

Forever I was only a penny pinching saver and thought everything could wait
until I was able to retire (hopefully early).

Then at age 29 I went in to see a doctor after I started to get extremely
sick. I was a health/gym nut, but over the course of a year I had zero energy
and couldn't recover from workouts. I started having blurred vision, shooting
pains, seizures, vertigo, random falls, blacked out a couple of times, dropped
about 30 pounds, and most of my hair fell out.

After seeing quite a few doctors they found I had a developed multiple auto
immune disorders, one of which attacks the pathways in the brain.

When I was diagnosed several neurologists came and spoke with me and explained
they could treat the symptoms, but that was it. The prognosis was and still
is, they don't know. The illness is remitting relapsing so I will get so bad
I'm that I honestly want to just die so that my pain can stop. Then six months
later I'll feel almost normal and wonder how long it will last.

The doctors say if I survive it long enough I will eventually be in a
wheelchair or housebound. Maybe though my lungs will just stop working long
enough that I suffocate.

The week before last I was back at the gym working out like nothing is wrong,
then last weekend I collapsed in my driveway. Seizures are back and my wife
wants me to get a cain or something to help prevent falls as this one about
landed me back in the ER.

~~~
trdtaylor1
Attempt to solve your illness yourself. Use available resources. Create the
disease in the books if it's not already done.

~~~
AstralStorm
Unless you're a millionaire ready to sponsor big multiple labs, you are really
out of luck. That is the hard truth. Unless you're lucky and someone happens
to figure out and fund it.

Using most of the personal energy and time might not really be advisable.

~~~
somesickdude
This about sums up my situation. I saw one of the top neuro muscular
specialists in the world and she flat out said to me, "Nobody wants to hear
this, but I have to be honest with you. There is no cure and there isn't much
hope for one. Since this is such a rare condition there is no money in trying
to find a cure. All we can do is treat your symptoms and try to help with pain
management. Beyond that just hope it progresses slowly."

------
Bjorkbat
Curiously this has come at a weird time for me. I didn't think much of
healthcare. I just turned 27, and like most twenty-somethings I have this idea
that I'm immortal (not literally, but you get the idea). Lately though I've
been dealing with a great deal of stress and anxiety related to my job, stress
combined with the sickening feeling of doing something that in the long-term
just feels so pointless. Coincidentally the internet seems to be preoccupied
with cancer and death as of late, or maybe it could just be me. Prior to
reading this earlier I found this arresting article regarding colon cancer
rates rising in people my age.

[https://www.nytimes.com/2017/02/28/well/live/colon-and-
recta...](https://www.nytimes.com/2017/02/28/well/live/colon-and-rectal-
cancers-rising-in-young-people.html)

It has made me thought about my own mortality, but that only occupies half my
thoughts. The other half are preoccupied with this sickening reality that our
21st century technology really isn't all that great.

Sure, we are getting better at beating cancer. Immunotherapy seems especially
promising. On the other hand though, it's almost maddening how many people
develop a mild pain and find out it's late stage cancer after a doctor's
appointment. Had they ignored said mild pain it could've progressed to the
point where they're terminally ill.

Facebook can probably build an elaborate psychological profile based on my
online habits. It knows my mind. How strange that we can't hope to know our
own bodies so well.

~~~
bsder
> On the other hand though, it's almost maddening how many people develop a
> mild pain and find out it's late stage cancer after a doctor's appointment.

And in the past we wouldn't have been able to diagnose it or treat it.
Medicine gets better, but slowly.

> Coincidentally the internet seems to be preoccupied with cancer and death as
> of late, or maybe it could just be me. Prior to reading this earlier I found
> this arresting article regarding colon cancer rates rising in people my age.

The obsession is probably because cancer is one of the few disease things that
actually kills people in the 30-50 cohort.

As for the increase, the decrease in healthcare coverage in that group
probably didn't help. You won't go to the doctor for non-specific
gastrointestinal distress if you don't have healthcare. If you have
healthcare, you're probably getting an ultrasound immediately which will catch
tumors and growths.

I might also point out the increasing normalization of anal sex among
heterosexual individuals is likely to play a part in the colon cancer
increase. Throat cancers also increased and that seems to be linked to more
oral sex.

------
RikNieu
I often reflect on the fact that everything is temporary. The people in my
life, my abilities, my opinions and attitudes...

I learned this sharply throughout my twenties, and it lead me into a deep dive
into Buddhism.

The past is gone, the future is a figment of my imagination. My interpretation
of what's happening now is up for debate... Nothing I rely on, or want to rely
on, is stable and dependable. All is subject to change, the good and the bad.

You have to find your anchor point or stability in the present moment. If you
pay attention, you'll see that that is all there is, really. And it comes and
goes, always, fleeting.

Buddhist monks have to reflect on the '5 Remembrances' every morning. It might
do us all good to do so too.

[https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Upajjhatthana_Sutta](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Upajjhatthana_Sutta)

------
rcarmo
This is the sort of thing that reminds me there is life outside work, and that
we should spend a lot more time enjoying the people we are supposed to be
spending it with.

(Commuting home, so the time spent online and tapping this out is not
misplaced.)

At the same time, it is a remarkably poignant and romantic way for her to both
affirm her love and reinstate my faith in mankind.

My heart goes out to her and her family.

~~~
overcast
ALWAYS put life/family/friends/experiences before work. The old adage that no
one on their death bed ever wishes they worked more, is 100% true.

~~~
badcede
> The old adage that no one on their death bed ever wishes they worked more,
> is 100% true.

[https://books.google.com/books?id=e7OYYKACSiIC&pg=PA43&lpg=P...](https://books.google.com/books?id=e7OYYKACSiIC&pg=PA43&lpg=PA43&dq=al+franken+deathbed+office&source=bl&ots=7Iy1nXl5HR&sig=0n5ReU7gqhztYRiCz2wvIVQAs0A&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwj26vXRn7vSAhVO6GMKHa6OCzQQ6AEIJzAC#v=onepage&q=al%20franken%20deathbed%20office&f=false)

~~~
MegaButts
I wonder that as well. I bet Elon Musk will regret not working more. 'If only
I had worked a little harder, I could have accomplished more.' Likewise Nikola
Tesla, Isaac Newton, Archimedes - I think they all languish how little time
they had to work.

~~~
Arizhel
Actually, I read somewhere that Nikola Tesla actually lamented later in life
that he didn't put any effort into dating. Tesla was very devoted to his work,
but he wasn't a complete hermit like Isaac Newton; he was also a bit of a
showman, doing elaborate public demonstrations with electricity.

~~~
sushid
Well, seeing as he was a virgin when he died, I can definitely understand why
he might have regretted his decision a bit. [0]

[0]
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nikola_Tesla#Relationships](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nikola_Tesla#Relationships)

~~~
overcast
86 years without having sex, damn. Talk about missing out on one of life's
great pleasures.

~~~
mgkimsal
he probably didn't go 86 years without sex, he just might not have had sex
with another person.

------
balabaster
Okay, my day is over and I'm going home. I'm done.

~~~
franciscop
I was going home and instead after reading this I'll keep studying Japanese (a
hobby I love).

------
xutopia
It's a sad story but I love the way in which she welcomes the potential lover
that will one day replace her. Makes me think of what the polyamorous call
compersion.

~~~
Arizhel
When I saw the story title, I thought at first it was something about
polyamory. It's slowly gaining more visibility and acceptance in parts of
society.

Then I read it and my mood went down the tubes. :-(

~~~
phkahler
I don't think a poly would feel like the author of that piece.

------
touchofevil
I have found these samurai death poems to be pretty interesting when
contemplating one's mortality.

[https://www.samurai-archives.com/deathq.html](https://www.samurai-
archives.com/deathq.html)

~~~
scott_karana
Yikes. They're especially poignant/depressing when you consider that those men
truly died moments after writing or uttering them. There is _very_ little
emotional distance from the end... :-/

~~~
touchofevil
My favorite on is by Uesugi Kenshin. "Even a life-long prosperity is but one
cup of sake; A life of forty-nine years is passed in a dream; I know not what
life is, nor death. Year in year out-all but a dream. Both Heaven and Hell are
left behind; I stand in the moonlit dawn, Free from clouds of attachment."

------
DiegoRamirez
Why do I have Steve Jobs's like magical thinking? I'm in my mid-40s, work out
a lot, and feel that nothing can touch me like a 15 year old?

Nothing wrong on surface, but doing a comprehensive blood workup on Monday.
Still not scared at all

But why do I think I am immunine (sic) to Cancer. I think I can lift, run my
way out of anything. "I am a man among men".

That's obviously BS. When the inevitable "something" comes down how do I deal
with it? e.g. Supermen die of old age! not!

~~~
Domenic_S
> _nothing can touch me like a 15 year old_

...phrasing?!

~~~
blunte
It's a shame humor is so frowned upon here.

~~~
phkahler
Time and place. time and place.

------
finkin1
"There are ways to really live in the present moment. What's the alternative?
It is always now. However much you feel you may need to plan for the future,
to anticipate it, to mitigate risks, the reality of your life is now. This may
sound trite... but it's the truth... As a matter of conscious experience, the
reality of your life is always now. I think this is a liberating truth about
the human mind. In fact, I think there is nothing more important to understand
about your mind than that if you want to be happy in this world. The past is a
memory. It's a thought arising in the present. The future is merely
anticipated, it is another thought arising now. What we truly have is this
moment. And this. And we spend most of our lives forgetting this truth.
Repudiating it. Fleeing it. Overlooking it. And the horror is that we succeed.
We manage to never really connect with the present moment and find fulfillment
there because we are continually hoping to become happy in the future, and the
future never arrives." \- Sam Harris
([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITTxTCz4Ums&t=17m52s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITTxTCz4Ums&t=17m52s))

------
chris_chan_
Thanks, remind me that life is fragile. Ok, I am going to hospital and do a
full body medical diagnostic scan now.

------
dankohn1
And the author of the piece died today.
[https://www.nytimes.com/2017/03/13/style/amy-krouse-
rosentha...](https://www.nytimes.com/2017/03/13/style/amy-krouse-rosenthal-
dies-modern-love.html)

------
aj7
I've always been a saver and a dreamer. I get tremendous satisfaction simply
reading and observing. This is unbalanced. So I married a very physical ball-
of-energy life-of-the-party ex-ballerina. She survived simultaneous bouts with
early-stage breast and ovarian cancer, and is healthy as a horse, knock on
wood, and out socializing with her buddies right now.

We purposely live beyond our means to maximize actuarial utility. You know
what I mean. But the stress of living like that on this indoor cat is,
ironically, killing me.

~~~
NotSammyHagar
It sounds like you need a little more balance.

------
bradleyjg
Heartbreaking. Not sure what else there is to say.

~~~
thecrazyone
I was at a loss of words too. There's so much of goodness and sadness here.

I wish somehow something better happens to her. I wish I could give her some
of my good karma (of the little that I might have)

Such good feelings I have now, thanks to this author and good human being

------
zymhan
Well, fuck.

edit: Those aren't the feelings I wanted on a Friday evening.

Guess I'll go hug my SO

------
staunch
To me, the worst fact of life is to realize how intensely and tragically our
ancestors suffered from lack of medical technology, and that it continues to
our day.

And the greatest fact of life is that all this suffering will soon be at an
end.

Our descendants will pity us, as we pity ours.

~~~
thecrazyone
> Our descendants will pity us, as we pity ours.

That's pithy :)

------
sxates
This makes me want to be a better husband.

------
thecrazyone
Such a heart warming thing to do, this made me tear up now

Such a beautiful person (the wife)

I sincerely wish things were better. My hear goes out to you :')

------
19eightyfour
Have a pleasant journey, Mrs Krouse Rosenthal

------
minimaxir
I'm curious as to why this submission was flagkilled. Yes, it's not related to
tech, but it's good writing.

EDIT: Apparently unflagkilled. That's rare.

~~~
dang
People can reasonably disagree about whether a piece like this gratifies
intellectual curiosity or not, which is the criterion of ontopicness for HN:
[https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html](https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html).
It makes sense that the reactions for or against are more intense, because the
article touches the emotions so intensely.

There's a tradition of stories like this (very) occasionally making the front
page and getting rich discussion. I think that's a good tradition—as long as
it's not overdone, which goes for any genre of story.

------
CiPHPerCoder
...Why is this flagged?

~~~
BinaryIdiot
There are a subset of HN users who think HN needs to be 100% technology or
it's not appropriate.

Personally I find almost any topic fine for HN.

~~~
19eightyfour
To the detractors: Human life and death is about technology.

What's the point of technology? To make life better.

This article offers a valuable perspectives on a few thing very relevant to
technology. Dating sites, health and cancer.

I think if you don't think this article is relevant then you're missing the
point of technology.

If you're in technology and Building Things for people then you can certainly
learn something from this persons clearly written experience. If you don't
think you can learn something, that's your deficit. And I think you should
reexamine you're openness to learning.

Maybe your protest against this article is more about your distaste for
reminders of death. And if you can distinguish that distaste from the articles
relevance, perhaps you shall see its relevance more clearly.

------
davidf18
A few years ago I would have been the victim of a terrorist attack in
Jerusalem had I not gone into a store to buy a candy bar.

~~~
davidf18
What kind of human being downvotes when someone survives a terrorist attack?

------
xyzzy4
This is why you shouldn't be ashamed of web browsing, watching Youtube, and
going on Facebook at work. You never know when your life is about to end.
Living like a monk who only focuses on work is not very satisfying.

~~~
cylinder
All that stuff is a waste of time, not a good use of it. It's a symbol of
"face time" at work, where you have four hours of real work a day so you
stretch it out to eight by wasting time.

So is coming home and just flopping on the couch and watching TV all night
because you're so tired.

These things make me feel like my life is wasted.

~~~
xyzzy4
True but note that from the perspective of many depressed people, _everything_
feels like a waste of time.

------
twog
Who is cutting onions in here!?!

~~~
beamatronic
>> She suggested the word “more.”

That did it for me :(

------
minikites
I can't believe there were enough stone-hearted jerks to flag this story off
the front page on a Friday afternoon. I guess "hackers" don't like being
reminded that other people have emotions.

~~~
dang
> _I guess "hackers" don't like_

Sorry for the Spocklike response, but this is a non sequitur. If the HN
userbase ("hackers") really don't like something, it basically never happens
here—or rather it does, but it gets flagged out quickly, so it rarely shows
up. (I'm talking about stories on the front page; the phenomenon happens in
comment threads too, but more slowly.) So when you see something on HN that
you don't like, it usually means the community is divided about it.

Also, to put in a good word for those of us with emotional blockages, it
usually isn't other people's feelings we're uncomfortable with, but our own—a
difficult spot to be in.

