
Ask HN: How do you meet new people? - jmstfv
Outside of school&#x2F;work&#x2F;neighborhood, how do you meet new people?
======
superasn
One of the things I've learned from my own experience is that meeting new
people or meeting like minded people is the easy part. To make new friends you
have to meet them over and over for no reason (think about it it's true for
all your best friends).

Many people I've met who had so much in common with me and totally clicked
never became friends because we didn't have the time to meet over and over.

~~~
marsrover
To piggy back off of this. I have a lot of friends that I have nothing in
common with but have met over and over again.

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wugh
Three conditions have been found to be necessary to make close friends. After
learning about this, I found it to be true in my own life.

I spent a good amount of time researching how to make friends before I moved
to a new city in 2010.

Would be happy to share what I've learned if anyone is interested.

"As external conditions change, it becomes tougher to meet the three
conditions that sociologists since the 1950s have considered crucial to making
close friends: proximity; repeated, unplanned interactions; and a setting that
encourages people to let their guard down and confide in each other, said
Rebecca G. Adams, a professor of sociology and gerontology at the University
of North Carolina at Greensboro."

[https://mobile.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/fashion/the-
challenge-...](https://mobile.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/fashion/the-challenge-of-
making-friends-as-an-adult.html)

~~~
badestrand
Of course, please share your experiences.

~~~
karimdag
+1

~~~
wugh
Sure, here's a short version of my own story. In 2010, I moved to a new city
knowing one person previously from college. We weren't close though.

I didn't want to be sitting in an apartment by myself all the time so I did a
lot of research on how to make friends before moving.

I found the study from my previous post was a good start. I decided I needed
to be in area of the city where a lot of people my age with similar
backgrounds lived based on the proximity factor.

I also decided I needed roommates based on all three factors. I ended up
moving into an apartment with two roommates who seemed nice when I met them.

After living together three months, my roommates and I were consistently
hanging out inside the apartment and doing activities outside the apartment.

After six months, I would say we were friends.

I became friends with another person my age down the hall from our apartment.
I happened to see him go into his apartment a couple of times previously. I
knocked on his door and introduced myself. Fortunately, we had similar
interests, hung out again and again, and became friends over time.

I repeated that with another person across the hall who one of my roommates
had already become friends with. I also ended up meeting my fiancée on the
elevator in my apartment after I mentioned the weather to her.

From my two roommates, the two people living in apartments nearby, my new
girlfriend at the time, along with a person I met at my work orientation who
lived nearby, I was introduced to probably over a hundred other people. Some
of whom I became friends with. And I'm excluding other friends I made at work,
through activities, and social gatherings etc.

By 2017, when I left the city, I had a close circle of maybe ten good friends,
and an extended circle of thirty friends. It ended up working out well.

From the research I did and my own personal experience, I don't completely
agree with the rest of the advice from the comments. I've seen similar
comments on other forums before.

If there is more interest in what I've learned, I can continue. Any specific
or personal questions, please email me (in profile).

~~~
rc-1140
Seems like your secret was age-proximal roommates. I've been trying meetups to
no avail, but I've heard that roommates are a huge gamble in and of
themselves. What are your opinions on both?

~~~
wugh
My quick thoughts. In my case, I agree, roommates were a benefit. They're not
necessary though.

I could've gotten my own apartment and met people who lived in my apartment
building on my own. I decided to get roommates as a way of meeting people and
because the city I moved to was expensive.

I agree that roommates can be a huge gamble. I met these people and thought
they were nice from a first impression. It turned out to be right. I could've
easily been wrong also. It's a gamble that might be necessary for some people
to take if you're young, single, don't know anyone, and moving to a new area.

Meetups sound good on the surface. You can meet new people. That I agree. My
question is how easily can you see them again. People you meet there can live
quite a distance from your home. This makes it hard to see them again.

If you happen to run into someone who lives within walking distance from you
and you happen to get along, then I think it's great. Later you can meet up
with them without much planning. But if the person lives further away, then it
doesn't make it easy to become good friends.

If there was a meetup based on proximity, then I think it would be great. For
example, a meetup for all the new people who moved to X neighborhood of Y
city. Then you could be assured that the people you meet are nearby and you
can easily see them again.

Meetups where you do activities (card games, video games, etc.) can be good
because people will repeatedly come back for those activities. Again, how easy
will it be for you to hang out with them outside of the meetup?

------
peterburkimsher
CouchSurfing (weekly meetup & hosting travellers). Church. Concerts. Visiting
kids in the hospital. Language exchange. When you do meet people, offer to
cook for them.

"I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a
stranger, and you invited me into your home. I was naked, and you gave me
clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited
me." \- to me, that doesn't sound like religious rules, but a recipe for
solving loneliness, treating depression, and making the world a better place.

~~~
notheguyouthink
More specifically _(or less specifically lol)_ , do anything with people and
leave a positive impression.

Seeking friendship is hard, it's something forged with time - like any
relationship. You have to be willing to put in the effort of being a positive
impression on peoples lives, without the expectation of friendship out of it.

------
exabrial
Volunteer work! I just spent my morning playing guitar for a local church. In
the past, I've helped design and solder some LED strip displays for them,
produced Ableton live sets, and assisted with sound production. I also spend a
time at local charities playing music, serving meals, office work, fixing
computers, setting up networking equipment, and even running people to get
groceries.

------
chrisco255
Meetups, dance classes, bars, etc. The best way to make new friends is through
repetition. Pick a hobby that has a weekly/monthly meeting in your area and go
to that group and be consistent about showing up.

------
wellboy
The main fallacy like you see in this thread is that it everyone thinks it
needs to seem unintentional, so that you're not "needy".

This is a big fallacy.

Don't try to make it seem coincidental, instead make a real effort. Here 3
steps on how it works

1\. Go to meetups, try out lots of new hobbies, connect with everyone on
facebook immediately if you click. Do it with guys and girls. Some will be
awkward, but most don't care and just say sure and connect.

2\. Then keep the conversation alive a bit and meet up with them around the
activity or meet up you met, ask who is going to the next meet up, be it
hiking, exchanging info about cryptocurrencies, ruby on rails or whatever. You
can also make chat groups on messenger with 10 people or so

3\. Be a value giver, be an organizer, be the one who knows what's going on,
people gravitate to people like that.

4\. Doing this is not needy as long as you are a value giver. However, don't
ask people all them time for value, don't be a value drawer too often.

5\. Keep it lighthearted, don't become pissed if people don't join your meet
up or son't reply. This is needy behaviour. After a few months, you should
have 100 people in your new social circle, so what do you care if one doesn't
come

As you can see this takes effort, but this is a recipe of how you can build a
vibrant social circle for you within a few months time every time you come to
a new city.

Most people don't do that, because they are so scared of rejection. But what
do you care if 20 people don't want to connect with you when a 100 do. There
are always people who want to stay for themselves, are weird or asocial.

------
gitgud
I'm not the most confident person, but i reluctantly became a volunteer at a
sporting association and have met a ton of people through it.

In my experience, people are nicer to you than you think, especially if your
interests are aligned.

------
anarchitect
I’ve met a bunch of new people since I got a dog, in public and in the co-
working office. Some have come to be good friends.

I should point out that meeting people was not my motivation for getting a dog
though.

------
RightMillennial
One of the classic locations: Church.

~~~
mythrwy
For the people suggesting bars and churches:

Who do you find in gatherings where people have gotten together to escape
reality in one form or the other?

I'd rather meet people that have similar (and what I consider positive and
realistic) goals and outlooks or not meet at all.

I'm not bashing religion (or alcohol) either. I'm entirely ok with both in
moderation but I won't be a regular at places either is the central focus
because it attracts people who are not what I'm looking for.

~~~
jbms
It is bashing religion to imply the people who believe in it are primarily
trying to escape reality. They believe they've discovered reality. And they'd
like to be with other people who have also discovered reality.

------
XalvinX
Since I came to Korea, I've advertised for language exchange partner on the
bulletin board in the local university, and it has provided a stream of sort-
of friends, and a couple of pretty good ones.

I think you need to do activities that require closeness for longish periods
of time and some level of intimacy. Language exchange fits this bill very
well.

------
darksim905
As a 31 year old, I have no idea. I run several meetups & it helps with some
things, but you get to a point where your group becomes insulated. You only
meet new, fresh people when you do different things. There's also a difference
between making friends for the sake of making friends & solid, meaningful
relationships like stated here.

------
fourmii
I recently started skateboarding again after many years. I've been going to
the local skatepark at least twice a week at a time when most people don't go
(early mornings). There, I've met a bunch of other dads reconnecting with
skating (and probably their youth).

Before, I used to live in DC and was obsessed with golf. I'd go down to a
nearby public golf course at first light. Often I'd join a foursome of total
strangers, I've met all sorts, lawyers, a local news presenter and even
someone relatively high up at NASA.

I realized that the theme for me was to simply pursue what you love, commit
some time to it. This leads naturally to meeting people with a common
interest.

------
xchip
I like people and I like listening and asking questions about their stories,
if you give them enough time people will tell you the most amazing and surreal
stories you can imagine, I always end up laughing and so do they.

------
WhitneyLand
It’s strange there’s no service to aid in this process, or maybe there is and
I haven’t seen it? Meetup has become to much work to sort our sellers.

Tinder for plain ol’ friends you are not trying to date or sell something to,
but might have things in common with?

The one thing that messes it up for me is a few people I have known a long
time who turned out to be lifelong best friends yet I have almost nothing in
common with them. It’d be tough to have matching criteria for that, then again
it also sounds like something tailor-made for machine learning if you could
get the right data into the system.

~~~
pavel_lishin
> _a few people I have known a long time who turned out to be lifelong best
> friends_

I help moderate a local subreddit dedicated to local meetups, and I see this a
lot - people are looking for _best friends_ , and I think this is a mistake
for two reasons:

1\. You don't need all the people you regularly socialize with to be best
friends. It's okay to have people you see often with whom you're not super-
intimately connected. Not everyone has to be a platonic spouse. You ought to
have a range of good friends, acquaintances, buddies, regulars-you-only-see-
at-this-one-bar, etc. Seeking deep relations exclusively is a mistake,
partially because...

2\. ... you can't really farm out "find me a best friend" to an algorithm. As
you mention, your best friends might be people who you appear to have nothing
in common with, so you already know this.

People say that dating is a numbers game, but it's easier to filter out
potential dates than it is potential best friends. (For one, most people can
easily eliminate ~50% of the populate from the pool.) There are obvious
dealbreakers, but really it's just a matter of meeting people and seeing how
your personalities mesh, how your conversations go, and how you both feel
after awhile.

~~~
acct1771
> Seeking deep relations exclusively is a mistake

Could you elaborate on this, please?

~~~
pavel_lishin
Well, as I said above - why does every friend have to be a _best_ friend? Why
does every human connection you make need to be a life-long friendship?

If you approach every potential friendship with your sights set on making a
best friend for life, you'll inevitably be disappointed, repeatedly - because
not every pair of people can strike up a relationship like that.

Those relationships also take a fair amount of work and energy - they have to
be maintained, and sometimes you don't actually need to put in that much work
to get what you want out of a friendship. Sometimes you just need someone to
shoot the shit with, and it's perfectly fine to do that with someone who's
just a casual acquataince.

Sorry if that doesn't make sense, I'm really tired todya.

------
ryanmercer
Ha, wish I knew. I've not made a new IRL friend since high school.

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tecklenburg
Being in a new city I tried various things. First I went to lots of meetups
via meetup.com - but in most groups you seldom meet the same people twice.
Much better was to join a club - like Toastmasters
([https://www.toastmasters.org/find-a-club](https://www.toastmasters.org/find-
a-club)), or a local chess club. Made a couple of good friends that way.

------
tmaly
I think finding an activity or hobby you enjoy which has pockets of active
communities is a good start. Maybe they have a meetup in a city near you, or
maybe they have a forum online that discusses meetups.

When I was first on IH, I proposed having a meetup in NYC, and a bunch of us
made it happen. Perl programmers have had perlmonger groups that would get
together for years as would computer hobbyists.

------
tugberkk
Gym. It is a very good place to meet some new people, it is almost impossible
not to, at least here in my country (not us). On top of it, there is something
called CrossFit (I’m sure you all heard of it) and their community is pretty
large. Although I would not recommend it as a physical fitness program, it is
a very good place to socialize :)

------
palehose
The mobile app Whisper can be useful to some for finding friends although
there are tons of creepy people who primarily use it to try to hook up with
women so if you can tolerate occasionally dealing with that sort of behavior
then you can anonymously chat with total strangers and potentially make
friends from those conversations.

------
theshadowknows
I’d like to be better at this. My wife and I are moving from North Carolina to
Sweden soon and we’re both very introverted.

~~~
acct1771
Do you speak Swedish?

~~~
petecox
Education is actually a good way.

Get 20 people in a room doing a 10 week Wednesday night Swedish class and
discover over a beer afterwards that one or more of your classmates has a
common interest.

~~~
acct1771
That's a good idea, too. I was actually just interested if he was taking part
in the destruction of Sweden's homogeneous society.

------
mabynogy
It's easy as we are always surrounded by tons of people. It's useless at the
same time because people sharing the same interests as we are very rare.
That's why internet is the best for that IMO. If you think of human and
warmful relationships, I think family is made for that.

------
sAbakumoff
Why do you need to meet new people in the first place? They are not better
than existing creatures around you.

~~~
acct1771
How in the world can you judge what vile creatures surround me?

~~~
sAbakumoff
Hell is other people

------
navs
Meetups did the job for me. Both running and attending them. Here in Auckland,
New Zealand, the community is small so attending just a few meetups and making
a few acquaintances can lead to a larger network with ease.

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tvalentius
\- Join Community related with your interest (tech/dev , etc).

\- Attend it's meetup or any activity.

\- Become a volunteer for any community related with your interest also helps
meeting new people that has a same interest just like you.

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trevyn
Conferences, seminars, workshops. Best when it's some event that spans
multiple days, that seems to engender a bit more openness and camaraderie.

------
DebasishPanda
I have become part of the management team in our apartment, organizing monthly
owners meetings & as such, thats helps to know lots of people.

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chrisco255
Does anyone have success forming friendships and relationships online? If so,
how did you do it?

~~~
kreetx
It's possible but harder IMO -- on the web the force drawing you together must
be pretty strong, since there are a billion others there too, so why make the
effort?

But it is a good starting point!

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DiJu519
>Join a club related to your interests(e.g Cycling, Board Games)

> Bars

> Online gaming

> Through existing friends

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baybal2
There is app called Tinder. Another one is Meetup.com

~~~
Lordarminius
Where I come from, Tinder is primarily used for casual sex.

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m0llusk
shared interests

