
The Structure of a Real Apology - prajjwal
http://spin.atomicobject.com/2013/07/24/real-apology/
======
logicallee
This is absolutely awful, or doesn't apply. Especially in the context of
communicating with a cynical userbase, but in many other contexts as well.

It does not mention the ONE thing that makes an apology worth anything.

The ONE thing you have to include is evidence of a positive action you have
taken that will actually prevent this from happening again. Not some kind of
'promise.'

For example, here is an Obama non-apology for the NSA spying on Americans
(illustrative example, not a quote): "I am dismayed, as all of you are, at
what I've recently learned of data collection of innocent Americans by a
government agency. It was done under my watch, and I take responsibility. I
promise you, the people who overstepped their boundaries will be removed from
their positions and punished. Anyone who's suffered personally as a result of
these violations will have freedom of information act possibilities to learn
how their information was misused. They can petition the courts for redress,
in line with our Constitution. Finally, I want you to know that I have let you
all down. I can only ask for your forgiveness."

That pretty much follows steps 1-5. It's also absolutely useless.

here is a good apology: it can repeat any of the language above, for fluff.
The main point is this "this morning I signed an executive order ordering the
sealing, for 150 years, of all innocent American's personal information that
has been collected. The sealing is to be done by means of military-grade
encryption. The keys will be held in the supreme court of the United States,
by its chief justice John G. Roberts, Jr. Every morning between he will come
in half an hour early and sign off on warrants requesting any decryption, only
upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly
describing the records to be decrypted, and the persons or things to be
seized."

That's "funny", but it's 10000000x better than the apology above. The only way
to apologize is to list a step you've actually taken to actually prevent it
happening again.

Fuck promises.

~~~
jonnathanson
_" The only way to apologize is to list a step you've actually taken to
actually prevent it happening again."_

Sometimes you need to issue an apology before you have time to take any
concrete action. In fact, in crisis management, time till expected response is
often more critical than noodling on precisely what must be done. You're in a
triage situation, and the first thing you need to do is stop the bleeding.

This is why "promises" get made, because they're the first step in figuring
out a genuine series of restitutive actions. Often the first thing people want
to hear -- and need to hear -- is a simple acceptance of responsibility. The
acceptance should be followed by a legitimate demonstration of understanding:
of the damages caused, of the seriousness of the issue, etc. This is followed
by a pledge to investigate, or to take serious actions.

Now here's the important part (to your point): 9 out of 10 apologies just
leave it at that. There's no follow-through or followup. This is why people
have been desensitized to the standard-issue apology as detailed in this
article. They're used to seeing boilerplate and empty promises, but the devil
is in the details. Listing a concrete action taken is a great way to go, but
sometimes you don't have time to take such action (or fully consider the
ramifications) before the apology needs to be issued.

In summary: 1) take serious stock of the issue ASAP, 2) state sincere apology
demonstrating accountability for the fuckup and responsibility for the fix, 3)
maintain communication as fixes are implemented, and detail them.

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jdp23
Excellent points - something every tech startup founder should keep in mind.

Teh Portly Dyke's "How to Fuck Up" is a good companion piece.
[http://portlytruestories.blogspot.com/2007/11/how-to-fuck-
up...](http://portlytruestories.blogspot.com/2007/11/how-to-fuck-up.html)

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SilasX
I'm not sure I understand who this is intended for. (Then again, most apology
advice I've read about is like that.) It seems like it's aimed at people who
act in bad faith, but then, they're the last people we need to teach how to
make a genuine-seeming apology!

Case in point: "Don’t Make the Apology about You ... 'I was trying to…'"

What? I would certainly want to know what led to the wrongdoing so I know
whether it's a systematic problem. That doesn't make it "about the
apologizer"; it's conveying useful information.

My guess is that the writer has in mind lots of people who _are_ narcissistic
and so generalized that lesson to good-faith attempts to help the recipient
understand what happened.

The article can be summed up as "throw yourself at the feet of your customer
while conveying nothing but easily-faked feelings".

~~~
makomk
It might be aimed at people who might buy into fake apologies. Generally, the
people who take the apology at face value aren't the ones being apologised to,
and it can get pretty ugly. Also, it seems like a good way of removing
plausible deniability from people who make those kind of apologies.

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csmattryder
I don't think you can really -write- an apology. It's the human emotion that's
at the heart of a real, genuine apology.

Anyone can say "sorry", when it's in an email, and the author could really be
cut-up about it. It's far too easy to pay lip service by using a prepared note
following the 5 steps (especially an email apology about having an intrusion
in your databases) but it's harder to look people in the eyes and keep up the
act.

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wallflower
The most effective apology is often not as complicated as this. The crucial
part is asking for forgiveness.

"I apologize for ______. Please forgive me."

I learned this a long time ago from a CareerTrack seminar on communication and
it has served me well in getting out of many a bind - allowing me to move
forward and past mistakes, some very big. It is especially effective in
written communication like emails to collaborators.

~~~
rmrfrmrf
From what I remember about Crucial Conversations, the kind of apology you're
suggesting works best in certain circumstances (usually one-time offenses).
That type of apology loses meaning, though, when your behavior is the problem
rather than a specific action. For example, if you're late to work for the
10th time in a row, apologizing and asking for forgiveness is probably going
to be more irritating than helpful. The intention to change is what becomes
more important.

~~~
wallflower
Very good point. This is definitely not for repeat offenses.

Without going into details, at a job once, once I was _threatened_ to be put
on a PIP [1], I dramatically changed my behavior. At that point, as you
mentioned, you are way past apologies and into the realm of 'oh sh_t, I may
get fired" and very, very unambiguous communication (from your boss). Only
someone is really, really stupid would ask for forgiveness at the point -
because the tone is very measured and corporate and grim reaper serious.

[1] [http://www.tlnt.com/2012/06/01/weekly-wrap-the-dirty-
little-...](http://www.tlnt.com/2012/06/01/weekly-wrap-the-dirty-little-
secret-of-performance-improvement-plans/)

------
nsxwolf
People seem to get away with non-apologies all the time (of the "I'm sorry
you're such an oversensitive asshole that you were offended by what I said"
variety) , so I'm not sure true contrition is necessary. In fact, it probably
makes you look weak in this day and age.

