

My daughter taught me to fail more - trustfundbaby
http://www.whitetailsoftware.com/2012/02/my-daughter-taught-me-to-fail-more/

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martinkallstrom
I'm teaching my daughters to view mistakes as learning something, not failing
at something. It's amazing to see that it's becoming ingrained in their way of
thinking. When they forgot their favorite Littlest Pet Shop figures at church
last weekend my youngest daughter's immediate reaction was "Dad, I learned to
not bring my favorite toys with me in case I forget them". That was her actual
way of letting me know we had left them behind. She was not complaining about
it all, which I think is a great way to look at life.

The way I teach them is in two ways: Whenever they show me something they have
written or drawn I point out the spots where they have corrected mistakes i.e.
by striking a word and say "Wow, look how much you learned!". And whenever
they hurt themselves or mess up something bad enough to complain or cry about
it, while I comfort them I ask "So, what did you learn?".

I've done this consciously for several years now and it is interesting to see
that it is actually affecting how they think.

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mattdeboard
Relatedly I go out of my way to teach my 8 year old that there's no such thing
as "being good at" something, only things to which you've applied yourself
enough. (Though in adulthood this might sound a little trite -- I'm no good at
guitar for example -- in childhood it's absolutely true.)

I think I'm going to steal your bit about failure being a lesson.

~~~
martinkallstrom
That's excellent, I too want my kids to know that they can do or accomplish
anything with sufficient preparation. I try to work into their vocabulary (as
well as my own) to say/think "Wow that person has trained a lot" when seeing
feats of skill. When they themselves accomplish something I try to say "seems
you have trained a lot!" rather than "nice drawing" or whatever.

Another hack I've applied in the way I talk with my kids is to sometimes say
things that are obviously wrong. Starting with very obvious errors and as they
grow older moving to more subtle lies about the way things work. If they don't
catch the error I continue reasoning along the same line far enough into
absurdity for them to get that I'm wrong. It makes them aware of questioning
what people say and to think through themselves what is reasonable and what is
not. And they now are very proud and happy whenever they are able to point out
when I'm wrong about things.

I also never, ever proxy them towards other adults. If we are eating at a café
and they want a napkin or buy another pancake they have to talk to the staff
themselves. When they want ice cream I give them money and they have to buy it
themselves. Because it is such an asset to be comfortable talking to people
and getting what you want. It makes them believe in their own abilities.

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ttt_
As longs as you keep in mind that as you grow up, failing costs more, and
often takes more time for you to realize the failure. If you just keep
shooting in all directions, you might as well fail all and achieve nothing.

So do fail more, but also focus in achieving goals.

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avelis
I think the lesson to take away here is to not take life sitting down. Stand
up more often and keep trying when faced with adversity. To error is to be
human but if we don't learn through our mistakes we are bound to do it again.

Most adolescence strives in it's innocence. It has not learned limitations of
the body to give limitations of the mind. I do suggest never stop being a
child. It's good advice from the perspective to never limit your imagination
of what you are capable of.

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eliam
We can learn so much from watching children: creativity, determination, love,
honesty, etc.. A lot of people look at having kids as an obstacle to their
careers. I found the opposite to be true. I've learned so much from playing
with them. That combined with the desire to set a good example for them makes
me push harder in everything I do.

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tmh88j
I understand that this example is just an anaology, but there is a fine line
that the author doesn't acknowledge between trying something new and difficult
to stretch your boundaries, and taking too big of a risk that may compromise
other aspects of your life. Taking any risks shouldn't be a flip-of-the-coin
situation. Yes, the word risk is subjective so hopefully you can see how I
interpreted it.

Being reminded of the carefree mindset of a toddler in reference to trying new
things was refreshing. As a 24 year old single male, toddlers are the last
thing on my mind. There are a lot of little things to forget about when you
have no interaction with them.

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chrisbennet
When I was a youngster skiing, we used to say, "If you're not wiping out,
you're not trying hard enough."

Fear of failure limits your potential. How many of us have raised our hand and
asked a "stupid" question about something we didn't understand in class or a
company meeting only to find that most everyone else in the class/meeting was
wondering the same thing - but was afraid to ask because they were afraid to
look stupid?

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Deestan
> How many of us have raised our hand and asked a "stupid" question about
> something we didn't understand in class or a company meeting only to find
> that most everyone else in the class/meeting was wondering the same thing -
> but was afraid to ask because they were afraid to look stupid?

The fear isn't without cause, though. If you _do_ ask these legitimate and
useful questions all the time, some people _will_ start thinking of you as
"that guy who doesn't know anything". If these people are responsible for pay
raise, promotions or other benefits, you will be left out.

It's not a _good_ or acceptable scenario, by any means, but it pays to try to
understand the nature of the otherwise irrational fear.

~~~
chrisbennet
If pay is based on performance, the guy asking the "stupid" questions is going
to be the one making progress while the colleages who stay ignorant are going
to fall behind. In the end, it isn't that the questions are stupid, it's the
the asker is afraid of asking key/necessary questions for fear of _looking_
stupid.

Falling back to the skiing anology; the guy who never wipes out never gets
very good either.

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afhof
Can someone instantiate an example of when it would be better to fail more? I
feel the author's advice is too abstract for me to appreciate.

~~~
pre
Certainly:

Person A tries to do something, fails, and in order to not fail again givesup.

Person B tries to do the same thing, fails, then tries again and fails, and
tries again and fails, each time learning something more until on the 100th
time they succeed.

Person A failed once, person B failed a hundred times, person B is better off
for they have learned how to succeed rather than given up.

If you avoid doing something for fear of failure you're worse off than if you
fail at it until you get it right.

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spuz
That's not a real-world example. It's still pretty abstract.

~~~
masukomi
Man invents great fried chicken recipe. Tries to sell it. Fails. Tries to sell
it. Fails. Repeats this cycle 1000+ times until eventually someone buys.
People call him Colonel Sanders.

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redridingnews
Thumbs up.

I think the point to get from this post is to not allow failure stop you from
achieving absolute success. Or as they put it during "those" days, try and try
until [die] succeed.

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meenriquez
I second.

Also, I think, the author would like you to keep pushing for whatever it is
that you desire. Because really, it's impossible to not succeed when you just
go for it.

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maeon3
The enemy is not failure, it is boredom. With failure you learn, with boredom
you don't.

