
'Quirkyalone' is Still Alone - jeffreyrogers
http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/09/20/fashion/modern-love-quirkyalone-is-still-alone.html?_r=0
======
icanhackit
A mean but honest assessment of the people the author describes, author
included: crippled by cognitive dissonance, confusing their unwillingness to
negotiate or compromise with _passion_ or _drive_ and engrossed with the movie
or novel that is their overly dramatized lives. They just need a solemn pop
song to kick in whenever someone rebukes them. Maybe an enterprising developer
could make an app for that.

I know people like this - they add drama where it isn't needed, over analyze
and romanticize simple interactions preventing them from forming a trusting
and therefore stable relationship. You can almost see the imaginary cameras
they think are following them throughout life, the star of their own reality
TV show.

Their expectations for what a relationship should be are so contorted and
highly-strung that they're doomed to failure from the beginning. Thankfully
they seem to attract each other and form a layer of social sediment separated
from the bedrock that is practical people. Best of luck to them.

~~~
zem
"bridget jones" was a great fictional exploration of this sort of mindset, i
thought.

~~~
AmandaShebang
Book Bridget Jones even more so than film Bridget Jones.

------
GuiA
I have a rather subjective and irrational opinion about this topic, but so are
most opinions when it comes to human relationships. I'm from a working class
family, and grew up in an European culture that has somewhat particular views
on romance. I've lived in San Francisco for about 5 years now, dating my fair
share of people similar to the ones described in the article; including a
relationship that lasted a bit over 3 years and ended last spring.

Those kinds of people (typically upper middle class Americans born in the
1980s or later) are so in love with themselves that they just have no room for
falling in love with anyone else. It's easier to waste time on Tinder while
obsessing about the best place to go for overpriced brunch and then cry about
it to your therapist while your friends tell you that "omg you're the best in
the world, of course you shouldn't settle for anything", than to pursue
deeper, more meaningful interests and relationships.

My very unscientific and cynical view of that is that modern consumerist
American culture is reaching the paroxysm of fuckery, encouraging everyone to
treat their relationships and fellow humans as fungible goods that should be
swapped out for this year's new, better, shinier model. My solution has just
been to just not waste my time with people whose life tends to exhibit the
patterns described in the article.

If you too belong to the higher upper middle class but can't stand that kind
of crap, go volunteer and meet people from outside of your social strata. I've
been dating someone from a very different, non western culture for the past
month or two, whose struggles include more than just what they're going to
post on their blog next, and it's a breath of fresh air in comparison.

YMMV.

~~~
yareally
> I've lived in San Francisco for about 5 years now

I don't think I would want to equate living in SF or NYC as being what the
rest of the United States is like as a whole. It would be like assuming people
in France are all like Parisians (which they aren't).

Being a born and raised US Citizen for roughly 30 years, I don't think I would
want to live in either city for an extended period of time, but that's just my
perspective. Nice places to visit, but not where I'd want to live.

~~~
klipt
Both San Francisco and New York also have weird dating scenes due to gender
imbalance among singles (SF and NY have opposite imbalances). These imbalances
tend to cause desperation among the excess supply / low demand gender, and
unwillingness to settle in the excess demand / low supply gender.

------
paulsutter
> We marvel at how most people, including many who seem less datable than us,
> successfully manage this simple trick — maintaining relationships — that we
> can’t seem to pull off.

Dead giveaway at "seem less datable than us".

It's called the option value of remaining single. People who perceive
themselves as a catch often wait too long. Because, after all, almost every
choice is imperfect in some way. And the more perfect the other may seem
(according to "datability"), the more they too may be prone to overestimating
the option value of remaining single.

So really it's self-centered melodrama.

~~~
nailer
Also 'waiting for a catch' doesn't work if you're a straight woman: like it or
not, woman are evaluated for their beauty as much as men are for their
wallets.

------
linkydinkandyou
Being alone should be a respected lifestyle choice or affectional preference.

If a person would rather be partnered, then there's usually some issue with
the "quirks." You can't swim out of your lane.

------
alexbecker
I'm concerned by the dismissive comments in this thread (which at time of
writing is all the top-level ones). What the author says would be _consistent_
with the self-centered drama queen everyone is assuming the author is, but
that's hardly the only interpretation of what she says. Is a little benefit of
the doubt to much to ask?

The pains of being single often come up here, and to my memory such articles
usually receive a positive response. Perhaps it is no coincidence that they
are usually from the male point of view?

~~~
Jtsummers
She is he, the author is Tim Kreider.

~~~
Sophistifunk
... and if you've read his book, the problem most certainly _is_ him - and he
knows it.

