

Help HN: socially awkward programmer - cantmakeanymore

Hello HN, I&#x27;m a programmer and I&#x27;m 16yo. I don&#x27;t live in US. My problem is that I&#x27;ve never kissed anyone. This bother me sooo much. I think everyone even the most awkward person have kissed someone. I have a lot of friends, I go out every weekend, I sleep at friend&#x27;s house but I just don&#x27;t do like the other one that start to talk with someone to kiss them. This is starting to get me depressed, when I think about it I get really sad.
Please, I need someone&#x27;s advice. Sorry for posting this here, HN is the only place where I can speak about it.
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lhnz
Don't worry about it.

I was the same back when I was 16.

You can fix your social awkwardness if you want to. It's just a set of
behaviours and beliefs which represent how others see you and the
opportunities you feel are accessible to you. It's not easy - but it's
generally just a case of knowing good questions to open people up with,
becoming better at funny small talk, raising your positivity/excitedness
level, understanding your market and what they want to talk about,
understanding how to make confident/positive body language, and creating more
opportunity for yourself (like, ask girls to hang out with you sometime or
associate yourself with normal non-introvert/extrovert people.)

As a developer, there's lots that can be learnt from books on body language,
game, influence, etc. But don't just do that - find a way that you can
practice _one thing at a time_ with real people. It's a practical skill and
the only way of getting to grips with it is getting 100s of hours of
experience.

The most important thing you could do tomorrow is to create more
_opportunities for things to go right or wrong_. Join clubs or grab coffees
and start conversations with people. Chat to people in lines. Chat to the
people you sit next to. Be light-hearted and positive. Do it even if it makes
your heart beat and your palms sweat.

And always be the first to say "Hey, what's your name? [And comment on
something or give them a shallow reflective question that they can feel
positive about when answering.]" or "Hey Y, how was your weekend?" Being the
first to speak always makes you sound more confident, and it also removes the
awkwardness which almost everybody feels. Find out what they're passionate
about; learn to ask great questions that make people happy and you'll find out
more about people, give yourself time to come up with conversation points
(which is quite difficult when you're doing this for the first time) and most-
of-all _make everybody you meet feel less awkward_.

But don't panic: chill out and take life as it comes. Trying to force things
often doesn't make them happen faster; instead you'll just grease the wheels
and open yourself to the changes which will happen naturally as you get older.
If you do this, over time the positive aura you shine on others will surround
you.

And that is how I freed myself from social anxiety.

~~~
cantmakeanymore
Thank you very much! Know that other people have been gone through this makes
me fell better. I'll (with 100% sure) do or at least try some of the things
you said

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27182818284
Hey,

First: Everyone feels awkward at that age. That's why they're the "awkward
teenage years"

Second: A lot can change in a year. I have countless stories of people going
from feeling like they'll be alone forever to a girlfriend that loves them and
a good tech job a year later. The stories I have involve people of all ages
too, _because a lot can change in a year_.

Third: Be open. Try new restaurants and see new movies. Join new clubs outside
of programming (e.g., Chess, Go, mobile design, biking, whatever) This is
important because it helps when striking up conversation when doing the next
part.

Fourth: Grow your social networks. You don't have to be best friends with
everyone (and shouldn't!) but having a bigger network does make things easier.
With stuff from #3, you have higher odds of getting along with people.

Fifth: I'm not that old, so lots of people in this thread will have better
advice than me, but you'd be surprised how far you'll get with just those four
items. I was.

~~~
cantmakeanymore
Thanks I'll try these for sure

------
shire
Are you a guy? if so girls feel the same way you feel some where out there a
girl is dying for you to approach her and make a move but she is too shy or
awkward don't lose your chance and wait around. Life is too short to be
nervous and awkward.

~~~
cantmakeanymore
Yes, I'm a guy

------
verec
Stop looking inwards. When out, speak to others, about others, ask them
question about them, don't tell about you. Let them ask. And when they do,
answer as little as you can get away with (mystery is a good thing :)

~~~
cantmakeanymore
The only time I was talking with a girl to do something more that was my
mistake

------
bowerbird
if some of your friends are girls, tell them of your desire, and they will
kiss you or find someone else for you who'll be happy to kiss you.

if none of your friends are girls, then focus instead on finding some; talking
eventually leads to kissing.

-bowerbird

