
Be Nice to Those Who Serve You - skrish
http://www.jacquesmattheij.com/be-nice-to-those-that-serve-you
======
mcantor
Sometimes I wonder if there's an unusual third path to take in situations like
this. As I read Jacques's story, I found myself wishing he would take the CEO
aside and say, "Excuse me, but did you know that you have been coming off as
quite rude around your employees and the waitstaff at the restaurants we've
been to? I wouldn't say anything if I didn't think it would be useful for you
to hear."

Obviously, saying that creates a degree of investment in this other person
that isn't required. But it's a middle ground. Everyone seems to think there
are two options: peace out completely (zero investment), or do business
without saying anything (100% investment). If you just point out the behavior,
you put the ball in their court. It's scary because you risk pissing them off,
but really, what does that matter? You already made up your mind about not
doing business with them.

There are two likely responses to such a judgment: the angry/confused/awkward
denial ("What the hell are you talking about? I'm a precious flower and
_everyone loves me_ because they are so blessed by my presence! Now run away,
and never return!") or reflection ("Really? What made you think so?"). If you
get #1, well, you're no worse off than when you started, except some douchebag
with a lot of money doesn't like you. But if you get #2, you have a real
opportunity to nudge someone in a more compassionate and healthy direction.

It's up to each individual person, of course, but I think the potential
opportunity is worth the risk.

~~~
dkl
Some that would act like this toward waiters, et al, won't take kindly to
being told, even very nicely, that he's very rude. If he was the type of
person that would take kindly to it, he wouldn't have done it in the first
place.

~~~
vegardx
I agree, some people just believe that they are of a higher standard and
should be allowed to act like total dick heads, and the only way for them to
learn is if someone from a "higher social status" puts them in the right
place.

I've seen it all the time, while working the floor at retail, or traveling
abroad to fancy hotels and restaurants. A small "thank you", "have a nice day"
or just "hi" goes a long way, even if you're there to complain about
something.

------
devils_bargain
I took the other fork in the road.

After joining a company several years ago in an executive position, I
witnessed the CEO treating other employees horribly, and remember thinking
that I'd leave if he ever treated me like that. Unlike the OP, I didn't make a
principled stand at the time.

By the time it inevitably happened and I was subjected to the same level of
disrespect and disdain, I was too invested financially and too critical
operationally to leave.

Even though I had enough leverage to push back, it still made for a miserable
work environment to see the CEO disrespecting everyone else, and it was never
pleasant having to fight to preserve personal boundaries every day.

Not shockingly, nearly every hire left within 6 months. It ultimately worked
out decently from a financial standpoint, but I'm still torn on whether I
would make the same decision again.

~~~
tych0
> too critical operationally to leave

This seems odd to me. If the guy is really that much of an asshole, why do you
care if you leave him holding the bag? Maybe he'd learn something from the
experience.

The financial investment I totally understand, but you have to look out for
#1.

~~~
j_baker
Truly manipulative people are usually very good at taking advantage of people
who have integrity. It's not that he didn't want to look out for himself, it's
that he felt it was _morally wrong_ for him to leave. The boss probably
encouraged this.

~~~
konradb
And in general, if one is in a position where they have little experience but
integrity, it might not even occur to them that someone would be doing this.
You'd never do it to someone else and you project your attitudes on to them.
If you strive to see the good in people it can take your attention away from
the bad and leave you in such nasty situations.

------
ChuckMcM
Interesting read, the truism is accurate of course being civil and respectful
is a solid policy regardless of your relative position in life or
circumstance.

An alternate explanation is possible though as well, which is that this person
was trying to impress Jacques. I know it sounds weird but I've had folks who
were insecure in their authority get like this to prove me that they could
"get things done." Its a uncomfortable but important sometimes to have the
conversation about their behavior.

The interesting experiment would have been to call aside on of the guys direct
reports and ask if he was always like this.

~~~
shin_lao
So he's either an idiot or a jerk?

~~~
ChuckMcM
Yes, but jerk can be treated, idiot is genetic. If his employees like him then
you can work on his insecurity, if he is always like that and his employees
hate it, walk away.

~~~
mikeash
It's funny, I would assume the opposite. If he's a jerk then he's hopeless,
but if he's just stupidly thinking that this sort of thing impresses people,
there's at least some hope that he can be educated.

------
stephencanon
There's nothing rude about sending back food that wasn't prepared as ordered.
Similarly, there is nothing rude about sending back a genuinely bad bottle of
wine. You shouldn't simply eat poor food or drink in a misguided effort to be
"nice"; most of the time the restaurant will be happy to get honest feedback,
in my experience.

I don't doubt that the guy was a jerk about it, but there's nothing wrong with
the act in and of itself.

~~~
SilasX
Well, I guess there wouldn't be anything wrong with sending back wine, if wine
tasters were at all consistent rather than just trying to show off their
refinement.

Also, of all the times you've eaten the food in a fancy restaurant, what
fraction of the time have you wanted to send it back (whether or not you sent
it back)? I'm guessing a lot less than a hundred percent. So what are the odds
that the writer happened to hit _precisely_ that fraction of times when the
restaurant actually did a substandard job (and only for one and the same
guest) on two dine-outs in a row?

Both of these suggest that the guy just likes making people do more work for
him because it can. Sick.

~~~
dllthomas
> Well, I guess there wouldn't be anything wrong with sending back wine, if
> wine tasters were at all consistent rather than just trying to show off
> their refinement.

Sending it back in order to signal refinement is jerk behavior, agreed.

As to the other half of it, though, why should I have to be _consistent_? I am
paying for a bottle of wine I like. I am paying more for it because society
gives us the option of sending it back. If I don't like the wine, or don't
think others at the table will, there's nothing wrong with exercising that
option - it just needs to be done in good faith.

~~~
SilasX
I thought that was the point of the rest of the 2nd paragraph: everything we
see indicates that he wasn't sending stuff back in good faith, and if it were
a blind test between that bottle and the one he deemed acceptable, we can
safely say he wouldn't know which one was the good one.

~~~
dllthomas
Oh, yes, I agree that this guys behavior was probably inappropriate. My post
was simply addressing the use of consistency as a metric.

------
hapless
If "kick down, lick up" didn't work, there would be fewer people selecting it
as a strategy, and no need for jeremiads like this one. Sad but true.

Edit: Thinking on it, I guess the other message from this article isn't in the
headline: "Don't do business with people who treat their employees like crap."
It's not _just_ a jeremiad.

~~~
j_baker
I think that "kick down, lick up" almost always fails in the long run. That's
the most puzzling thing about it in fact. It doesn't really benefit _anyone_
in the long run (including the person who uses it), but for some reason people
keep using it, and others will keep them around for longer than it's a benefit
to them.

~~~
konradb
A person kicking down and licking up is too blinded by fear, and that fear
robs them of the awareness of how counterproductive the strategy they are
using is. In their haste to move away from what they hate, they take the
shortcut which is to not look at it; to act what they feel is the opposite of
what they hate.

What would be most beneficial for these people is to confront themselves head
on and examine why they don't feel comfortable and deconstruct their history,
their reactions, their thoughts and their actions. But it's the strength of
the fear they feel that stops them doing precisely this.

A natural protection system no? Move away from what you don't like?
Counterproductive to force yourself to move towards it and know it, but I
personally find the more I do it, the more I benefit. Of course sometimes it
can take time for the penny to drop. That's why I meditate. The pennies drop
faster, and as the noise drops away you slowly start to pay more attention to
yourself, and can move away from destructive behaviour.

------
thirdtruck
"Don't spit on those who can spit in your food" for the pessimistic mind.

I like to focus on the benefit of all the free coffee and excellent
conversation I get from my local barristas, though.

~~~
vadman
That was _exactly_ my thought as I was reading the OP. Pissing off the
waitstaff at restaurants is not only rude, but incredibly stupid. As is, there
is already a chance that they don't like you for some reason and spit in your
food regardless of how nice you are.

------
dfxm12
_It is the way one treats his inferiors more than the way he treats his equals
which reveals one’s real character._

—Rev. Charles Bayard Miliken, Methodist Episcopal, Chicago.

~~~
jarek
I'd have thought such a basic statement of group dynamics would have been made
well before Chicago was founded.

------
casca
Is this not basic humanity? How about just "Be Nice"?

~~~
macavity23
Sure, but it's easy to be nice to those 'above' you, or those you want
something from. It's being nice to those 'below' you that is the true test of
character.

~~~
driverdan
Being nice to everyone is easy, I don't see how it's a test of character.
Being nice is the default. Being a jerk is optional.

~~~
g8oz
For many people the emotional ego payoff from humiliating those below them is
a big temptation. And nice isn't the default everywhere, you are dearly in
need of more data points.

------
cafard
I see nothing wrong about sending back food or wine, though I do see plenty
wrong about being rude to the restaurant staff when doing so. Unless the
restaurant behavior was worse than described, I'd vote for Not Proven. Taken
in conjunction with his rudeness to his employees, yes, maybe it adds some
force.

------
Flow
Glad to see that he had integrity to cancel the deal. Most germans I've met
are very nice persons. Also, I couldn't help to think of this video while
reading most of his posting: <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOBspAm5aR8>

------
BklynJay
Agree with the principles of the OP. I know I'm opening up a can of worms with
this next statement: It somewhat bothers me that there's been so much
proselytizing of the Steve Jobs approach to running a [group, team, company,
etc.], that is to say - think nothing of embarrassing your employees, harshly
and non-constructively criticizing, saying things and people are "f0cking
stupid" if that's the way you feel. There are other, equally efficient ways to
get things done. It's possible to be firm without being an a __hole about it.
Simply because you _might_ be the smartest person in the room doesn't make you
1) right all the time 2) justified in being an a __hole. Everyone is fighting
their own battles - battles that are paramount in their mind. Never forget
that. Steve Jobs was successful in spite of being a jerk to people, not
because he was a jerk.

------
balbaugh
I have spent the majority of my 30 years working directly with people
(probably 20 of my 30, as I grew up working at my father's small retail
establishment and I currently work in the hospitality industry while finishing
up a law degree. The number of times that I have been shocked by people's
behavior towards my coworkers and myself is ghastly.

One thing I find interesting is how the actors in these situations tend to
have the idea that such behavior is always going to end with their desired
result. Or, to put it another way, the actions have gotten them what they want
in the past so they continue to act in said manner because they believe it
will deliver repeat results and it usually does.

I have been lucky to work for employers that have, I feel I can say, trusted
and respected my decisions and abilities. And, with that preface, I offer you
this... Challenge these actors whenever possible. Once I reached the emotional
maturity where I was able to not allow such the actors actions to impact me
emotionally, I decided that I was no longer going to allow myself to be
attacked for trying to help or serve their needs. Instead, I put a smile on my
face and refuse to help them unless addressed or treated in a respectful
nature.

I have challenged these actors in many different types of situations and some
of the results are what you would expect, dissatisfied and angry
patrons/customers. But, that is exactly what they were before, right?? Many,
though, upon realizing they weren't going to get what they wanted began to
change their ways. At first, begrudgingly, but on the second or third
visit/encounter with particular customers I could see that their actions were
becoming more polite and sincere. It sounds weird, but it is almost like they
developed a sort of respect for me standing up to them.

Of course, I understand this doesn't apply to every situation and is not going
to be possible for a lot of people. But, it is food for thought. Maybe
sometimes it is good to take the stance that the customer is NOT always right.

------
chrisbennet
While I think the article reinforces the desire of nice people to act nicely,
a part of me wishes that people didn't write these "it pays to be nice"
articles. As long as nobody brings it to their attention (by writing an
article about it), the jerks of the world might not realize that they have a
big "tell" that lets others easily see their true nature. :-)

------
j_baker
There's one kind of person you should always avoid: the person who is only
kind to people they need something from.

------
zalew
"it's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice"

------
vacri
Or of course, there's just 'Be nice'. Everyone is an individual with their own
motives and personality. Treat them as such and you'll have a richer life.

------
ktizo
_I’ve met some pretty wealthy people in my life and it seems that wealth and
modesty as well as wealth and a pleasant character go together quite
frequently (ok, there are lots of exceptions but the fact is that in my
limited sample the nice people definitely win out)._

The traits of modesty _[a]_ and a pleasant character are fairly common
regardless of financial status. I think that first and foremost, we are
people, and the yawning chasms we often see between our identified group and
those groups we are not part of, are largely exaggerations of perception more
than anything else and are miniscule compared to the differences you can find
between two people who are supposed to be part of the same group.

There is an exchange between F. Scott Fitzgerald and Ernest Hemingway where
Fitzgerald is supposed to have said _"The rich are different from us."_

To which Hemingway apparently replied, _"Yes, they have more money."_

I'm with Hemingway on this one.

 _[a] - well, modest for humans anyway. A lot of people think that their group
is pretty special on the scale of the universe, which seems to be a normal
form of a general species-level arrogance that is pretty funny if you really
think about it for a while, but other than that, I think modesty is fairly
common._

