

The Bomb That Changed My Life - shadowsun7
http://swombat.com/2011/12/19/bomb-changed-my-life

======
cstross
Fascinating account of post-7/7 behavioural trauma, and how hard it was to do
the right thing; it shows up both in Daniel's reaction and those of other
commenters who've been in similar situations. It's not just bombs ...

Accounts I've read of what happens immediately after a [survivable] plane
crash are similar. Many physically uninjured passengers will just continue to
sit in their seats, waiting to be told what to do, even if the plane's on
fire. Another sizeable minority act through their roles as if the plane had
made a _successful_ landing; stand up to grab their carry-on luggage, then
form an orderly queue. Only around 10-20% actually behave appropriately (that
is, follow the emergency evacuation drill, without guidance: pop the emergency
hatches and get the hell out of the danger zone without encumbering
themselves).

We are creatures of habit; we have great difficulty accepting the existence of
an immediate and potentially lethal threat to our existence, so some of us
behave as if it simply isn't there. (Which is why it takes training to instill
the right reflexes for dealing with abnormal situations.) And even among those
who unfreeze and start moving again, the impulse to revert to "normal"
behaviour can be overwhelming.

~~~
maeon3
Ive seen this phenemenon in person. I was the 2nd person on scene to a head on
collision with two in critical condition. I was trying to open the doors and
get the girl out by moving the seat back and testing for breathing and pulse.
5 minutes later I see a semicircle of people around the cars about 18 feet
away with paralyzed people, 15 of them frozen. One lit up a cigarette. For 5
minutes.

I asked for crowbars or tools to dismantle the seat so the person could exit.
No one moved, it was like a movie to them. I think it is a survival instinct
that has atrophied to dysfunction. Playing dead, or waiting for a more
experienced leader to emerge with instructions. I was unable to register
myself as a leader to those paralyzed brains.

~~~
calloc
Next time this happens, don't let the circle happen, start shouting orders at
people. Become a manager on the spot. Tell them to do anything. Something as
insane as telling them to do jumping jacks will work.

I've been in that situation before, I've been the first responder on site and
while I have limited medical knowledge I knew enough to check pulses and
verify that people were "okay", as soon as the second and third people showed
up I started yelling orders at them. For some reason this causes them to do
without asking "why" whatever you are telling them to do. Call 911, block off
the road, turn on hazards, warn people coming down the roads, get a blanket,
get water, I need a knife to cut the seatbelt.

Shout status updates to the person on the 911 call.

In my case a vehicle had caught on fire and I wanted to get everyone away as
soon as possible. I started yelling at people to get out of the way at least a
100 ft and get down, I didn't want to risk an explosion (yes, I am aware of
how unlikely it is, and it didn't happen this time) but there was a fire in
the engine compartment. At that point a doctor had stopped, I was yelling at
him to get away when he mentioned he was a doctor, I told him to help me get
the person out of the vehicle that was on fire. Two other strong volunteers
had made their way over to the other vehicle and were pulling the three people
out of that vehicle (which had fared much better).

To this day I still don't remember faces, I don't remember much of what I did
or how I did it, but I do remember a police officer telling me that I should
consider myself a hero because I did what I should have done. He told me how
the other people told him that I was yelling orders like a mad man and that I
seemed to have the scene under full control. In reality I have no idea what
went through my head, I have no idea how I was able to do what I did and what
my thinking was like at the time. I had heard of the "By Stander" effect you
mentioned before this, and I had been told what to do, but I have had no
training at all.

To this day I still have slight PTSD. I have had terrible dreams about what I
do remember, the person on the passenger side of the car which was on fire
whose head was so smashed in from hitting the front dashboard (no seatbelt, no
airbags) that it was completely missing, blood everywhere (blood is also
surprisingly slippery ...) and trying to make sure everyone was safe that was
showing up to "help".

~~~
Natsu
You do what you have to do to take charge of a scene like that. I've also had
the misfortune of dealing with serious and even life-threatening injuries. I
guess I'm lucky because my brain does _not_ shut down, but rather goes into
overdrive. So I naturally end up taking charge whether I want to or not.

You're absolutely right about crowd mentality, too. You have to expect that
most of the bystanders will be almost useless and order them about. I never
told them to do jumping-jacks, but I do give specific instructions to specific
people and that works a lot better.

But I know what you mean about seeing horrible things. I try not to think
about Grandma lying in a pool of blood, even though I saved her. I hope I
never see another compound fracture again.

~~~
calloc
Jumping jacks was an example I used because it is completely out there, but
most people will find it an insane request and their brain will snap out of
it. Generally becoming helpful at that point.

I've always given direct orders to anyone that I saw. Either by pointing at
them, or by naming something they are wearing.

~~~
Natsu
I guess I've never had to snap people out of it, I just started organizing
them myself. It sure doesn't seem to take much to throw people into a panic,
though.

------
idan
An eloquent description which captures the essence of one possible reaction.
Mine was different (I live in Israel, had a similar encounter) but the core
experience is similar.

It seems cliche, but there is a fundamental truth to the fact that most
westerners are simply unaware of what the "I fear for my bodily integrity"
sensation is and does to your life. OP's newly-discovered appreciation of how
crowded buses present a potential security threat is a great example. It isn't
that you suddenly see your life in a whole new light, it's that you regard
various mundane things with a new, orthogonal parameter: is this situation
more likely to result in harm to me?

Like all things, eventually you become inured and looking at a situation from
a security perspective becomes a routine thought passing through your head
along with "shit, I forgot to pay the gas bill." Without getting into
Israel/Palestine, this is a slice of what living in Israeli society is roughly
like.

~~~
mattdeboard
I've spent a considerable amount of time in Iraq in the US military; it's very
tough to explain to people how much energy I now spend assessing threats
presented by very mundane acts/situations. It's exhausting. I constantly have
to remind myself that I'm not in danger. So tired of it. I feel sometimes that
if I were still in a combat zone or a constantly embattled place like Israel
that energy wouldn't be expended for nought.

~~~
calloc
I was taught something really cool by a police friend of mine, and that is the
traffic light of awareness. There is green, orange/yellow and red.

What you are describing is living above "red". It doesn't matter where you
are, what you are doing or who you are with you are constantly looking at
peoples hands, faces, posture, and constantly assessing threats. Many people
in law enforcement and military have the same experience as you.

The way I have heard it explained is as such:

green = this is where you feel most safe, this would be when you are home in
bed, or when you are back in your old childhood room at your parents house.

orange = You are slightly alert, this can be your condition while driving, or
walking on the street. You are aware of your surroundings, but you feel
comfortable and at ease.

red = You are highly alert, you are scanning every single person, you are
scanning all situations, you are watching for unexpected movement, you are
watching facial expressions and body language, you are looking for exits, you
know what locations would be safe and what locations wouldn't be safe. Some
people have said they experienced a sort of tunnel vision in that you don't
nothing anything but potential threats.

People that spend a long time in the red zone can have significant issues with
PTSD, it can put you on edge, make it difficult to function in society. The
reason why law enforcement feels like such an outsider compared to the general
citizen is partly due to constantly being in the red. When they are around
other police officers they can let their guard drop a little and feel less
stressed.

I hope you soon start feeling like you don't have to do what you are doing.
I've heard from friends that were in the military that for them it went away
after a year or two of being out, but it has been difficult for them, you
forever see all situations and people in a completely different light. Best of
luck to you.

Note: I personally spend a lot of time in orange and red modes, part of this
may be my life long martial arts training as well as having had attempted
muggings. Even while at home I never leave orange, I have a hard time finding
a place where I feel completely at ease/in the green.

~~~
mattdeboard
This is a great explanation and very apt. I'm generally at a red on this
scale. I don't call that PTSD, btw, though a lot of laymen might. I just think
it comes from the understanding that bad stuff happens regardless of how
prepared you are, but you can minimize the damage if you're ready to react.

~~~
jberryman
I don't know you and haven't seen anything like combat so sorry if this is
presumptuous, but have you considered psychotherapy? A good therapist could
teach you strategies to control your level of anxiety/stress/alertness
whatever you want to call it. Doesn't mean you're crazy and there's no shame
in it. thanks for our service.

~~~
treetrouble
Some cultures (US, in my personal experience) spend quite a bit of time
convincing themselves that terrible things can't happen to them. For instance,
I could be hit by a bus tomorrow in a freak accident and suffer a more painful
end than a soldier in Iraq. That's not to say that Iraq isn't much more
dangerous, but danger exists for everyone.

I feel for the soldier you're replying to because he is at odds with society
in this regard. However, he's not at odds with reality because bad shit really
does happen and I admire his not being so quick to label it some kind of
illness.

~~~
Klinky
Accepting that random dangers outside of our control exist is actually
entirely different than the hypervigilance. Your bus example: Do you go into a
panic at the sight of a bus? Do you check that every bus you see comes to a
complete stop & doesn't have faulty brakes? Do you wait for buses to leave the
area before you proceed?

With hypervigilance you are identifying threats that do not likely exist given
the current context of the situation. Classic post-war examples are where
someone needs to check their corners before exiting an aisle of a grocery
store or fears slowing down at an intersection because it leaves them
vulnerable, even though they are in their hometown. It can interfere greatly
with someone's quality of life.

~~~
treetrouble
But you see what I'm saying? "quality of life" is an illusion because danger
exists in those situations. my point is not hypervigilance, as you say. my
point is... enjoy your life because it could be very, very short

~~~
Klinky
The poster you were responding to sounded like he may be dealing with
hypervigilance, which is why I brought it up. Hypervigilance is one facet of
PTSD. PTSD should not be poo poo'd. People with PTSD cannot just say "oh
life's short, I should enjoy it" & then get on with their lives.

~~~
treetrouble
The poster didn't sound like he's in such bad shape and doesn't deserve to be
labeled as diseased. If he decides he needs that, sure, it should be taken
dead seriously. He may not. Just let the man live his life and decide what he
can or cannot say

------
joncooper
Thanks for posting that. It brought my awareness to something important.

I worked in 1 WTC and was about to get into the elevator when the first plane
hit on 9/11. I was outside on the corner when the second plane hit.

When my head started to clear some time later--a week? two?--the clearest
thought I had was: if my last act as a human had been connecting a data input
form to a database table, it would have been a tremendous waste of my life.

Shortly thereafter I entered a new career and a new trajectory through life.
The last 10 years have been amazing.

Living with the visceral awareness that sudden death is possible has changed
me in many ways. Mostly for the better.

I do have some symptoms of PTSD. Low-flying planes freak me out intensely, as
do sudden loud noises and low vibrations strong enough to shake things.

On balance, though, it has catalyzed tremendously positive change in my life.
I'm glad that you've been able to make the same of it.

Cheers to being alive.

(Bizarrely, I was also in London on 7/7. A bomb squad truck nearly ran me over
(on my bike) going the wrong way down the road near Liverpool St. station, and
my wife was very nearly on the Hackney Wick bus.)

~~~
BCM43
_I do have some symptoms of PTSD. Low-flying planes freak me out intensely, as
do sudden loud noises and low vibrations strong enough to shake things._

Are these really PTSD symptoms? I have the same thing, though perhaps not as
bad. I was 5 miles from the attack, and in fourth grade at the time.

~~~
swombat
I'm not a doctor, but my understanding from talking to doctor friends is that
the difference between a "Disorder" and a "quirk" is how much disruption it
causes your life.

If when you see a plane flying low you hit the ground and start screaming,
that's certainly a disorder. If you glance up at the plane and feel "hrm, I
don't like it much", that's not really a disorder. In between those two
extremes is found the difference between PTSD and "I don't like low-flying
planes since 9/11".

~~~
joncooper
I have about 3/4 of a panic attack if a big plane flies low near me in an
urban environment. It has to be low enough for me to feel (or imagine that I
feel) the vibration from the engines in my body.

Now that I think about it, I also get freaked out in moving crowds now, which
I never did before. (I can be in crowded places, no problem--it's just when a
lot of people are moving and mixing, like at a parade, music festival or busy
shopping district.)

The airplane thing is totally manageable; I just need to stop and take a few
deep breaths. The crowds thing starts off that way, but can get outright panic
attack inducing if I don't get somewhere less crowded, and quickly.

I'm with OP. It seems that to be a 'disorder' it needs to have outwardly
visible and functionally maladaptive outcomes on your behavior.

------
kokey
Thanks for that. My girlfriend at the time, got off at Euston when they
evacuated the station and decided to try take a bus to get to work. While
waiting for her bus, a bus exploded not far from where she was standing. Her
reaction was to walk through the city to work, asking for directions along the
way, walking even past my office. I couldn't reach her because the mobile
network went out of action. She didn't want to come to my office because she
knew I traveled in early to make it to a meeting and didn't want to disturb me
(the meeting obviously got canceled). It's been hard for me to understand the
thought process that made her want to take a bus when the station was being
evacuated, and made her want to walk to work after that. I think it's been a
case of the initial evacuation making her worry about getting to work on time
and even though she didn't know about any explosions at that point she was
already reacting in a panic. With the trauma of being near a blast, it must
have anchored that thought process into becoming the most important mission
for her to accomplish.

I was on a train when they started evacuating a station, and I was praying to
myself that the train leaves the station quickly in case the evacuation was
for a bomb. Little did I know the bombs were on the trains themselves and not
in the station, but my initial reaction was to get out of that station and to
get out of the train network and away from public places and crowds as quickly
as possible. This article helps explaining this thought process to me.

~~~
willyt
That's exactly what I did, I used to get the Piccadilly line from Kings Cross
going south around the time the bomb went off. The trains on that line at that
time are really packed, about 4 to 5 people per m2, I can only imagine what it
must have been like down there. But, I was 10 mins late that day and couldn't
get on the tube to connect at Kings Cross. People were running out of my
normal station but I ignored that and walked down to Kings Cross thinking
'stupid Northern Line I'll get on there'. When I got to Kings Cross there were
lots of people milling around and walking away from there, I think I asked
someone and they said the station was closed. So I just got on a bus on Euston
Rd and went to work as normal. I bumped into a colleague on the bus and she
said she had been walking past an air vent outside Russell Sq station when
there had been a huge inrush of air and a deep rumbling sound. I remember
saying to her that it was probably just the power supply going out, maybe a
transformer explosion or something (we had just been discussing mitigation of
transformer explosions at work a few days before). Obviously, it was a weird
day at work, nobody did anything really. It was too far to walk home, I ended
up getting 5 different busses, partly because the service was all over the
place and partly because I had to get off one because I thought someone looked
suspicious. I grew up in London and the three lines and the bus route that got
bombed were ones that I had used regularly all my life, I took it quite
personally that they had attacked 'my places' in 'my city'.

------
hopeless
Very well written.

I had a similar experience with the tricks the mind can play after a bad car
accident a few years ago. Although I didn't know it at the time, I had broken
almost everything except my left arm and neck. But I could quite plainly see
that my right femur bent in an unnatural curve like a floppy puppet's leg. Yet
still I insisted that the rescuers couldn't phone my wife because she was
7mths pregnant and had gone back to bed that morning after feeling sick.

Subconciously, my brain was thinking I shouldn't bother her with this and I'd
be patched up and home for dinner. I just couldn't process the obvious inputs
like a normal rational person.

Also, although I remained concious throughout, I don't remember much of the
incident and had no idea how they got me out of the car until I saw the police
photos. The mind is a strange thing.

~~~
pelemele
My friend, gravely injured in a nasty accident, told firefighters not to
mention anything about the accident to his mother becuase she would be scared
- just 5 minutes before he died. It seems that his brain worked the same way
as yours after the accident.

~~~
hopeless
I'm really sorry to hear about your friend. It gives me goosebumps to think
that I might have reacted the same way but with a far worse outcome. On the
other hand, it's comforting to know that others have taken the same attitude
in similar circumstances.

To this day my wife still hasn't forgiven me. The accident happened at 0930
and she didn't get to see me until 1600hrs.

------
bootload
_'I should be 1 of those people who can help others in this situation, not
just a passive, helpless observer. I can help'_

Kudos Dan.

I've noticed first hand as both a first-responder & bystander the different
ways people react. It's broadly in 2 categories, those paralysed by the
automatic Fear/Flight/Freeze response and those Individuals who shape the
instinctual response with a trained response, overriding the Survival Stress
Reaction [0] most people exhibit. You see 2 groups of people: those frozen by
instinct and others who run towards trouble. People who are trained to respond
run towards trouble.

The story Dan has written is a natural human story telling response to
traumatic events. Re-telling the story(s) lets you make sense of what has
happened and re-gain control over their own destiny. Safety is also being
sought here. Control, safety & the knowledge you won't die.

Which brings me to my next point. Not everyone wakes up thinking, today's the
day I'm going to be injured or killed then watch other people get injured or
killed? Police, Ambo's, firemen, soldiers are exposed to this threat every
day. They train hard and have the necessary support structures (sort-of) to
survive. Civilians don't, so _Scar_ stories of survival fulfil an important
role.

People who have been in situations such as @swombat as a civvie or
@mattdeboard in the military or @idan living in a potentially dangerous
environment, the key thing they are striving for is to feel and be safe. Being
safe is something you don't know you have until it's not there.

[0] SSR or Survival Stress Reaction is where _"a state where a ‘perceived’
high threat stimulus automatically engages the sympathetic nervous system."_ ,
Siddle.,B. "Sharpening the Warriors Edge: The Psychology & Science of
Training" [http://www.amazon.com/Sharpening-Warriors-Edge-Psychology-
Tr...](http://www.amazon.com/Sharpening-Warriors-Edge-Psychology-
Training/dp/0964920506)

------
josscrowcroft
This is really great writing. Brings back very vivid memories from that day,
which in retrospect I can't believe I never wrote down.

I was playing hooky from school, in a flat in Kings Cross, with my then-
girlfriend, after a very late night. I was alerted to what had happened around
10am, when I answered the phone on perhaps the 7th ring, figuring I was in
trouble for sciving.

I think my mum had already started planning my funeral by that stage. There's
probably a decent chance that, had I gone to school, given my lateness, I
might have been a bit closer to the action - the moral of which I take to be
"skipping school saved my life"

Looking back now, I remember how the sense of relief I felt very quickly
turned to a sense of despair and numbness, as more and more pictures came on
the TV and more details emerged. The entire city was bleeding, but in a very
strange way, much like what the writer of this post describes, a kind of
zombie-like state where everything feels disconnected.

------
nosequel
Amazing writing, thanks for taking the time out to lay out every detail. It is
hard to put yourself into an event like this when you at home sitting on your
couch watching it on TV. I watch and see numbers (56 dead) and it is hard to
really get emotionally involved with people who you most likely don't know
when you have such generic details. Reading this, I feel like I was there,
even for a moment.

Thanks again for putting something horrible like a bombing in perspective. I'm
glad to hear you came out of it stronger on the other end.

------
tlear
Very well written thank you for sharing, very few people can put this into
words. What changed my life about 3 years ago was getting hit by a car (was my
fault ran across a street to catch a streetcar). I clearly remember the whole
thing, rolling over the hood, having the foot broken by the wheel. Lying on
the pavement with people around me. Changed my life for the better.

Funny thing, I was carrying a sandwich I just bought and got pretty upset when
paramedic stepped on the bag where the sandwich was!

------
corin_
Daniel, do you still think that following the driver's advice to not look
right was a good decision?

I ask because I don't think, in the same situation, I would have been able to
resist it, and I honestly have no idea what effect that sight might have.

When you do feel fear on public travel now (and I guess it was even worse in
the past), what goes on in your mind? Is it one of those things where you know
really that your worry is foolish but you can't help yourself, or is your
entire brain telling you that you could be in trouble?

~~~
berntb
>>Daniel, do you still think that following the driver's advice to not look
right was a good decision?

Advice: I know people with PTSD and believe it is a good thing if you can
avoid getting it yourself.

Personally, I can handle blood. But as a Scandinavian, I have a hard time
seeing suffering even for a Westerner.

~~~
Jach
It seems like iskander's account is hellbanned, I think it's one of those rare
false positives. Anyway, he replied to your comment:

"On the other hand, seeing violence up close gives you a better understanding
of experiences many people outside the affluent west have to deal with. I ran
back toward my bus after it blew up in Jerusalem and I mostly don't regret it.
I hav been haunted by the experience since (the smell most of all) but I also
feel like I gained a lot of sympathy for people whose situations were
previously totally abstract to me."

\-------------------------

Not everyone's meant to be a reality junkie. A body can only handle so much
(like heroin). [http://unqualified-
reservations.blogspot.com/2011/07/dispatc...](http://unqualified-
reservations.blogspot.com/2011/07/dispatches-from-real-america.html)

------
heimidal
Thank you for writing about this experience. I'm sure it must not be easy to
relate something so traumatic and intimate to thousands of strangers, even six
years later.

Many people who experience something like this never find the lesson from
these experiences as you have, instead ending up with PTSD or similar; I hope
that our governments can begin to respond more humanely to tragedies like this
and help those who aren't able to find their own path out of fear with
counseling and other assistance.

Our response to terrorism over the years has largely been one of fighting the
threat (and understandably so). We should add to it a response of compassion
for those who, through misfortune, find themselves harmed mentally in a way
that most of society cannot understand.

------
alexholehouse
Captivatingly written. I know what the author means regarding taking,
"paralyzed by fear" as something figurative, not literal, until it actually
happens to you.

I remember a few years ago (2006) seeing two very large military transport
aircraft flying incredibly close together, very low, and directly towards the
building I was in (on the 10th floor). I literally stopped mid sentence - they
obviously turned away and went on to the nearby RAF base but for a while my
brain just seemed to freeze. After the event, I felt a bit of a fraud and
worried people might think I'd done it for dramatic effect, but it was totally
involuntary - I just sat, motionless looking out the window for about 5
seconds.

------
flannell
My wife worked in the city for one of the big banks. A chap who worked there
was in a similar situation. He missed the train that had the bombers on board,
but he decided to grab a bus to work instead. This also had one of the bombers
upstairs which moments later detonated killing most of the people on the bus.
What made it even worse is that everyone who died that day was taken to a
makeshift morgue on Moorgate which is overlooked by the people who worked in
his team. A really shocking day.

------
krig
I was in the tube that day (but at a station far from the actual bombs) and
probably because of that plus travelling the next day, I saw almost nothing of
the coverage or what actually happened. I only noticed that something had
happened after exiting the tube and getting stopped when trying to get back
down at Piccadilly. It's a strange thought to look back and know that only
through random chance did I happen to be on a train that wasn't involved.

------
spiffistan
Incredibly powerful writing, even more so when combined with that track.

------
richthegeek
Thank you for sharing this - I was 17 and away from home (and news) when this
happened and it never really struck home what happened that day.

------
padolsey
Thanks for posting this. A poignant reminder.

------
Maro
Well written by a regular HN contributor, but not hacker news. If somebody is
interested in Daniel's writings, they can just subscribe to his RSS.

