Ask HN: How do you talk about what you're working on without being a douche? - good_vibes
======
Kluny
Try to find an angle that the listener might find interesting, rather than
trying to puff it up to make it sound as cool as possible.

For instance: I was working with the development team for Time.com to fix a
major security vulnerability. It basically took 3 days of staying up all night
debugging and going back and forth with their team, and we finally found it -
some dumbass included a javascript library that has a well known bug hidden in
a minified mess.

Why is this bad? Namedropping (time.com), puffing it up to sound bigger than
it is (debugging something for three days is perfectly normal, if you're
staying up all night then it's down to your own poor time management), name
calling and blaming others (the dumbass), jargon (javascript library,
minified), assuming knowledge that there's no reason for them to have (well-
known).

Instead: I got to work with one of our really big clients to figure out a
security vulnerability that was really stumping everyone. We spent a couple of
days debugging it, so that's probably why I've had my head in a cloud lately
because I've just been thinking about it non-stop. In the end, we found a bug
hidden in a really big block of third party code that's written in a way that
makes it very tough for humans to read it, but luckily it's a known bug that
some other company had documented, and someone found a blog post about it that
let us connect up the dots. All six of us working on it were really relieved
when we figured it out!

Why better - gives credit to others, explains why it was difficult, doesn't
use any technical language, leaves openings for more questions (why is the
code hard for humans to read? who was the big client?), doesn't try to
exaggerate the severity of it.

~~~
good_vibes
Noted. This is the kind of answer I was looking for, I'm not too far off the
mark. I could do better though.

I'm trying to mold myself from the wisdom of this community little by little.
I just want to build something of value, that makes life more fulfilling for
the people who use my platform. I try not to talk about it unless the
conversation drifts towards 'what are you working on?'. At that point, I
mention what it is in bare bones terms and that's it.

Also I've learned that people react differently based on their feelings about
themselves. Talking to people who are happy with themselves, they like to hear
more and we go back and forth. Other times, people change the subject to
sports or weather.

~~~
Kluny
Right, so it sounds like the people who are happy with themselves have lots of
emotional capacity for being interested in your thing, but other people can't
do it so they change to an easier subject. The key is to make it about _them_.
Is your project something they can use in their life? Don't tell them they can
use it - ask about the pain points you're trying to solve with your thing, and
see if they have those pain points. Make it about _them_. If it's uber for
dogs, the conversation is about their dog. If it's about Jucero for meat, it's
about their eating habits. Then you mention that you're working on something
that you hope will make x easier for people like them, and leave room for them
to ask questions, rather than jumping in with a sales pitch.

~~~
good_vibes
Thanks! This is a good framework for me to use going forward. I want to keep
everything casual while collecting valuable feedback/pushback. I learn a lot
in casual social settings, the best ideas are useful to people in everyday
situations. That's my belief at least.

------
zxcmx
Talking about what you're working on and being a douche are entirely
orthogonal.

I feel like you have this whole interaction framework in mind (a certain
social context). If you were to explain that you might get more useful
answers.

On the other hand perhaps enough people can guess the situation you're in such
that you get useful answers.

~~~
good_vibes
It's around my cousins who are engineers or trying to be engineers. They
always try to 'compete' with me even though I don't with them, I'm just doing
what I love doing.

I just asked here to learn from the community for future reference.

~~~
zxcmx
Some people are consistently more focused on status signalling than actual
communication.

They're difficult to be around. I've never figured why, maybe it's insecurity?
But I honestly can't say.

In general the people I know like that aren't just that way about projects or
work though, they're like that about _everything_...

I have to admit that I just spend no more time with them than I have to,
although cousins is a trickier situation.

------
smt88
I never find it douchey when someone talks about what they're working on --
unless they're trying to sell it to me.

~~~
good_vibes
I find it depends who I'm around. When I'm around people are geeks like me,
who want to make things better/simpler, we just have fun talking. No one is
seriously competitive, it's playful at most, it's just science nerds talking
about their projects.

Today I was around a group of people who play this game called 'dick
swinging', where they try to prove to the others how much better they are than
the others while the others act like they don't notice while they think of a
way 'get the high score'.

I'm not good at games like that. I just like to talk about science, tech,
music, economics, food, etc.

~~~
comstock
That sound like a not very fun game, and I'd try and find other people to hang
out with.

Honestly, this is one of the things I didn't realize when I was younger. There
are lots of people in the world, the majority of them I probably wouldn't like
to hang out with (at least in a social group). It takes time and effort to
find people who you like and want to be friends with.

~~~
good_vibes
In this case, it's family so I really can't. I get the feeling that they feel
intimidated by me by the fact that I am a dropout with better career prospects
than them who have degrees and can't get an interview. Life is full of irony.

~~~
comstock
That sounds like a tough situation.

Even with family, I don't think I could engage with a game like that. I guess
in your situation I'd try and be friendly and kind to them but also try and
find friendship/support outside your family.

Just because they're family doesn't mean you have to fully engage with
everything they do.

------
who_is_firing
Avoid saying the words "changing the world" or any other bullshit buzzword
that deceptively gives your work a nobler, tone than it deserves. Trust me, if
you are changing the world, people will figure it out from what you are doing;
you don't need to mention that specifically.

------
bxc
Be happy disengaging from the game with non-competitive responses like "yeah
probably no one will use it, but mostly I just want to have fun" or "Yeah it
sounds like a waste, but I get my paycheck".

~~~
tpeo
Might be mistaken for a humble-brag though.

------
sshagent
Unless they are vaguely techy, i generally just say "with computers", or
perhaps "safeguarding data for disaster recovery, for a company in
Movies/Advertising"

------
SwellJoe
I ask what they're working on first, and then listen.

------
bsvalley
Pitch it like a startup would pitch a 2-slide deck to an investor. Then wait
for the questions. Let them run the talk.

------
thibaut_barrere
I simply describe what I'm doing factually.

