

Ask HN: Socializing or making friends without the internet? - punkrockgeekboy

It's hit me recently that I'm 30 years old, and most of my relationships are fake, existing only on Facebook and Twitter. Life didn't start out this way, but I'm hoping to change this. I know it's possible, sure I met my ex-wife at a dating site .. but I was working there.<p>So, has anybody done it? I just deleted my twitter and facebook accounts and am taking the plunge. I want to meet new people and not even tell them that I'm a technologist.  Any advice?
======
rinich
_...but I was working there._

Here's the answer to your problem. _Do_ things. Be active. You can find
extracurriculars — dancing and yoga are wonderful activities, as are any sorts
of gatherings that involve intellectual conversation of any sort — but the
fastest, simplest, stupidest answer is that if you're active in things that
require other people, you're getting out and meeting them and bonding with
them.

On paper, I have perhaps the most antisocial set of interests you'll ever
find. I spend hours and hours on the computer, I delight in writing essays and
similar longform, I'm fascinated with both postmodern and classical
literature, I listen to bizarre avante garde music. Essentially if you wrote
up a list of things you weren't supposed to do if you wanted friends, I'd be
everything there. And last year it was true: I didn't talk to many people, I
spent hours in chat rooms, I tried not to leave my room.

This year I've changed that, and now I find myself going out several times a
week purely socially, with several bunches of people with whom I'm also making
things. The work simply gives us a reason to get together.

Curiously, I also find myself using Twitter and Facebook more and more as I
become more social, because as I've _stopped_ looking at them as tools of
communication and started to use them more playfully, there's less inhibition
involved.

Let me throw a twist in, however, because thus far I might as well be
describing entrepreneurs, and entrepreneurs, while fun, may not be the sorts
of people you want to get involved in. My twist is this: Find people who
aren't anything like you. If you're a technologist, don't bud around with
technologists. Find people with other talents. Take advantage of the fact that
everybody's good at something, and let them take advantage of you. That way
you're playing to your strengths but you're meeting different people who do
things you're not familiar with. Then, if you want to shed the image of
yourself as a geek who spends his time, say, writing five-paragraph responses
late at night on Hacker News, learn about whatever all those other people
know. Let them teach you things. It makes you well-rounded, it gives them the
pleasure of talking about what they love, and it lets you exist without
falling back on that geek crutch.

------
colonelxc
I've been having some of the same problems making new friends since I've
graduated college and started work. I have a subset of my old friends that I
am still in good contact with, and have made some new friends at work, but not
really much outside of that.

Sorry I don't have any advice, hoping that other people can help.

------
pbhjpbhj
Team sports? Alpha Course ( <http://alpha.org> , appears to be down at the
moment)? Art class?

------
Mz
How do you define a "real" relationship? (No, I'm not trying to be snarky.) I
tend to prefer to discuss stuff online -- though, admittedly, I am not big on
FB and have yet to participate in Twitter. As I understand it, those media are
both prone to very shallow types of interaction. Discussion boards, IM, and
email are all more inclined to encourage serious, in depth conversation. I
have belonged to email lists and discussion boards that foster in person
meetings for members and lead to real relationships (sometimes including
marriage). I don't happen to think interacting face-to-face makes a
relationship automatically more "real".

Food for thought: I find that being without a car and accepting rides to and
from work has been an interesting social experience. Some of these folks
really become friends. A car is a private setting where two strangers can be
alone together in relative safety, in part because you have privacy in terms
of speaking but the outside world can still see you. Therefore, you can have
more personal discussions than what typically happens at work in the break
room or at someone's desk. The whole awkwardness of trying to determine how
much eye contact is right is avoided because you sit next to each other and
face forward. The driver has no choice but to keep their eye on the road if
they are actually going to drive.

I guess accepting rides has some parallels to the practice of making friends
via hobbies: It provides an opportunity to talk if you happen to hit it off
without requiring it. It seems to me if you want to make friends, you need a
means to experience that kind of thing with people -- the ability/opportunity
to talk openly without pressure or expectation to do so.

Good luck with this.

