
Which dating apps are winning the hearts of the world? - nikolay
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/resources/idt-2e3f0042-75f6-4bd1-b4fe-9056540c65f8
======
p4wnc6
After having a few long-term but ultimately unsuccessful relationships via
online dating, I'm holding out for some god damn serendipity for the next one.

I don't believe in "the one" or any of that flighty bullshit, but I do feel
there is just something different about the bond you make with another human
if you just happen to find yourselves in a situation together, rather than the
logical omniscience effect of knowing that you sort of engineered to be
together, and knowing that they know that you know this, and so on.

Don't get me wrong. The few partners I've had from dating apps were amazing
people and I'm glad to have known them. There's nothing wrong with finding
partners that way and many people find a lot of happiness through it.

I think I just feel saturated by online dating and the pre-engineered and
instant gratification feelings that can come along with it.

It reminds me of a DFW quote:

 _“Both destiny 's kisses and its dope-slaps illustrate an individual person's
basic personal powerlessness over the really meaningful events in his life:
i.e. almost nothing important that ever happens to you happens because you
engineer it. Destiny has no beeper; destiny always leans trenchcoated out of
an alley with some sort of Psst that you usually can't even hear because
you're in such a rush to or from something important you've tried to
engineer.”_

~~~
lmm
I think that's less true than Picasso - "Inspiration exists, but it has to
catch you working". Or indeed Palmer - "The more I practice, the luckier I
get". It's important to be flexible and open to serendipity - but it's all too
easy to use that as an excuse to avoid putting in any effort.

~~~
p4wnc6
I speculate that DFW's take on it would be something like: sure, we can reap
some rewards by working hard and being prepared, but really the amount that
those things affect our lives is really small compared to huge, uncontrollable
things, like which genetics you were dealt, or whether your parents were
killed by a tornado when you were 5, or what country you are born in.

We spend a lot of time rationalizing that our successes are somehow due to our
efforts and our failures are somehow not our fault. We especially idolize
high-status successes, like Picasso, and venerate such rationalizations when
they come from such people. And we especially despise such rationalizations
when they come from the poor, and so we hold silent contempt when we hear the
homeless man on the subway explaining why it's not his fault he is so down on
his luck.

But [I think DFW might say] in the end it's still really just one fatalistic
crapshoot. That's not a good reason to work harder, nor is it a good reason to
slack off and just say "c'est la vie." It's not a _reason_ for anything ...
it's just how things are.

I'm not saying this hypothetical DFW point of view is right. I'm just saying I
don't think it has that much to do with rationalizations about past successes
being used as motivation.

------
colmvp
Anecdotal:

The % of people I know who found a LTR that translated into a marriage via
online dating is still significantly lower than the people I know who met
their eventual mate through friends/meetups/work. I'd guess in my social
network, it's 20% from dating apps, 80% from IRL. Granted I'm in the 20s/30s
bracket, which may still be on the horizon of the societal shift.

Since Jan 2016, I've tested going to meetups on Meetup.com vs using daily
usage of dating apps.

Through Meetup.com meetups, I've found occasional dates but also made friends
with incredible people, expanded my social network, and continued with self-
improvement. To be engaged in ways that challenge me and to occasionally meet
and date accomplished women is something to look forward to every single week.

Comparatively, online dating has been hugely disproportionate when calculating
time invested vs. time rewarded. I either write messages that get ignored. Or
login into the app to indicate interest in matches that eventually don't
result in a date. It feels like really boring and demoralizing work.

I'm not saying people can't be successful with online dating. It's just for
me, I don't find it particularly gratifying.

~~~
brc
Dating apps favour the top 20% of men, and the top 50% of women. The data says
as much. I do think there is a 'cliff' where the amount of responses you get
drop at a certain point - whether from height, income level, whatever. In real
life it's much more nuanced than that because people sort themselves out
gradually and not as much from limited statistics or even just visuals.

The issue for men (and to a lesser extent, women) at the bottom of that cliff
is that online dating has the possibility to demoralise the person into not
doing actual physical dating. I do think we are entering a period where a
significant chunk of the population is going to finish life having never had a
real life partner.

~~~
colmvp
Your second paragraph resonates.

Were it not for friends, insightful books, and Meetup.com meetups, I'd be a
lot more demoralized over the dating process. IRL social settings at least
provide something beneficial, specifically meeting people who can become
friends/industry connections and level up ones social skills. Thus even with
hundreds of hours doing meetups can result in something beneficial even if it
no potential is found, whereas solely doing online dating with little results
can foster helplessness.

------
joesmo
"You spend a few weeks sending lines of text to each other, and you eventually
arrange to meet"

A bit off topic, but is this common place? You spend a few _weeks_? Why not
just meet in person and not waste everyone's time?

~~~
shepardrtc
Because everyone is different. Some people prefer to meet right away. They're
usually upfront about that. Some people are more hesitant (or even afraid!),
and need time to make sure the other person isn't "crazy." I've experienced
both, and both are generally normal people that approach things differently.
But this is also contingent on the people being honest. There are many people
that are simply looking for the gratification of interest. Unfortunately those
people are very common. But you can weed through them pretty quickly. It all
comes down to a somewhat delicate balance of social give-and-take. If that
isn't there, then you know to move on. But if you're looking for instant
gratification with people, you'll certainly find that with some. But you'll
also certainly be missing out on others.

~~~
fallinghawks
> Some people are more hesitant (or even afraid!), and need time to make sure
> the other person isn't "crazy."

Exactly this, especially for women, and people looking for a long term
relationship. A week or three of conversation weeds out people who are just
looking to hook up and impulsive people whose interest isn't that deep.

------
outworlder
Well, Badoo's high adoption is probably helped by the fact that they keep
acquiring other apps and replacing them with badoo, even if they keep their
names (Lulu, for instance).

------
PeterTMayer
Do older people use Tinder as well?

~~~
Eric_WVGG
I heard a terrific analogy the other day. “Tinder is a nightclub, OKCupid is a
bar, eHarmony is a dinner party.”

by the terms of that analogy, sorta, but they’re weird

~~~
cgriswald
I'll second that they're weird.

I'm a little weird myself when it comes to age. I generally do not care about
the age of the woman I am dating. If I like her and find her attractive that's
enough for me. In terms of numbers, the oldest woman I've dated was 22 years
older than me and the youngest woman I've ever dated who was 18 years younger
than me and I've dated all ages in-between. (My circle of friends is also
widely distributed in terms of age.)

You won't find me on Tinder. Mainly because I see it as a hookup app, and I'm
not about that life. But also...

...from what I've seen (with young female friends who have used the app and
dated older guys) the guys on Tinder take the opposite approach to age. To
them, _age matters more than the person_. They're not out there looking to
make a connection with a person. They're on there trying to score with young
women, deny their own aging, or both; and their approach makes me think they
never had game even when they were younger. Creepy is the only word for it.

------
VOYD
it's all crap, built to milk single guys out of money.

