

Ask HN: Why are relationships so hard to work out? - ronzensci

One of the oldest activity that humans have indulged in, is to spend quality time with other human beings. Even after so many years of evolution, we are still finding that holding onto that one important relationship (with the significant other) to be one of the most challenging tasks ever taken on.<p>Is there any easier way to make lasting relationships work out?<p>A quick poll of HN readers - How many people are fully satisfied with their current relationship? +1 / -1 (for yes/no)
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kellishaver
I think the list of things that can make a relationship fail is probably long
and varied and very different from person to person, but I'll offer up my two
cents.

One of the biggest challenges for me has been the ways in which my husband and
I have both changed over the years, sometimes growing together and sometimes
as individuals, both of which are healthy and normal, but navigating a
relationship during those periods can be difficult. The dynamics,
expectations, and what the other person can bring to the relationship are in
flux during those times and may end up on something different than where you
started. There are times when I've felt disconnected, held back, or left,
behind, maybe even a little unloved or resented, and I know he's had times
where he's felt the same way. Again, I think it's normal to have periods like
that in any 17+yr relationship and we've weathered them well (in general) but
I can understand how some people would not.

I think this is particularly true of people who enter into these relationships
at a younger age. As much as I thought I did, I don't think I truly knew "who
I was" until I was closer to 30 and had enough life experiences to really
figure that out for myself.

Another factor I see often, though it isn't an issue for us, is that I see
people relying too heavily on that one relationship or giving up other
relationships for it. I know a lot of women who think that because they are
married, they can't have male friends, or people who think they can't go out
and enjoy an evening with friends unless their partner comes along. Sometimes
these assumptions are wrong, sometimes they really would upset/anger the other
party involved. This, to me is wrong. You don't build trust in a relationship
by never extending it and you don't grow as a person if everything you do
includes a plus one. You end up with an odd sort of co-dependence and
isolation (the fact that I see this happen so often could be somewhat cultural
due to the region of the country in which I live).

So for me, the two biggest realizations have been that:

1\. I'm in this relationship because I want to be, not because I have to be
and that I need to be happy with myself before I can expect someone else to be
able to live with me happily. I need to be allowed to be my own person and
explore that and my partner needs the same. We both need to be able to form
meaningful friendships with other people on our own terms, not dictated by the
other, but also remaining respectful of them. 2\. Changes in the dynamics of a
relationship over time are perfectly normal and healthy, even though they can,
at times, be really hard. Maybe it's not what you thought it would be when you
signed up for this, but it can still be pretty great, and 5, 10, 15+ years of
shared history, experiences, love, and support is something worth sticking
around for and working on.

As for whether or not I am fully satisfied with my current relationship, yes,
I am, very much. I get a little annoyed sometimes at some of the sacrifices I
feel I am making because of my husband's current situation (e.g. I really want
to move to another part of the country, but it's not possible right now due to
some commitments he has), but the relationship is completely worth it and
isn't suffering because of it.

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ronzensci
kellishaver, thank you indeed for the detailed reply. Your journey that you
have described sounds beautiful and certainly something worth cherishing for a
lifetime. I agree with you that in the current day and age, it's hard to know
oneself until one turns closer to 30. I am currently 33 and only in the past 3
/ 4 years is when I seriously started meeting someone with a view to having a
relationship with them.

The second factor that you have mentioned, about the odd sort of co-dependence
is actually undergoing a rapid transformation. Several women these days are
extremely comfortable with online interactions and things like twitter,
facebook has actually created avenues of finding emotional support from
someone other than plus one to be much much easier. This is actually creating
some strange kind of issues which I don't think even existed 5 years ago. In
fact, I might make a guess (based on empirical evidence around me) that there
are more women who are very active on twitter/fb than men, among the people I
know.

The realizations that you have shared are deep and insightful and they will
certainly help me in my journey. I have been on/off in a relationship since
the past two years and it has been very hard trying to make sense of where it
is headed. Sometimes I feel like I would like for it to continue forever, and
then there are times when I know that it won't last more than a few weeks.

Your point 2 is well taken, though right now I am in the phase which is "even
though they can, at times, be really hard".

It was wonderful to know that you have been in a 17+ yr relationship and
things are working out so beautifully!

Thanks again, for sharing.

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codegeek
tl;dr: There is no easy way. You have to be in it to win it.

To make relationships last long enough, you need to understand a few things.

\- TRUST: You need to trust the other person. How you get there is the
challenge. If you don't trust, there is no relationship. How soon do you give
up before giving someone a chance to trust them ? Again, thats the hard part.

\- RESPECT the other person for who _they_ are and not who _you_ want them to
be. My wife is very idealistic while I am more practical. But, I have learnt
to respect her, her opinions, views and do not try to change them just because
I don't believe in them.

\- SACRIFICE: Gotta do this a lot. Did I say a lot. But the key is you should
not feel bad sacrificing for the other person. How you get there again is the
hard part.

\- COMPASSION: Don't overdo but don't under-do. Right balance is the hard part
again!!

My personal experience is that relationships tend to work well between people
how have overall similar life goals. They could have very different individual
ways of getting there but as long as the overall goals are in sync, it works.
Even if you do all of the above well, there is no guarantee you will succeed.
But if are not doing most of the things above, you will most likely fail
sooner than later.

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ronzensci
Thanks codegeek. The pointer you've made about relationships working out well
between people who have similar life goals is absolutely spot on. I have
intuitively felt that in-synch "life goals" is the single most important
factor in challenging relationships and it was good for me to have this re-
affirmed by someone else too.

The four points you've mentioned feel like the four pillars. Based on my
recent experiences, I've found that it's easy to start losing compassion once
someone gets comfortable in a relationship.

I'm right now in a phase of trying to know if my life goals are similar with
those of the woman that I've met. The four points you've mentioned are going
to be helpful for me.

Thanks!

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thejteam
Happy families are all the same. Every unhappy family is unhappy in its own
way.

-The opening lines of Anna Karenina

I really do suggest reading the classics. Relationships have been explored by
the masters for centuries. Unfortunately the only time most people are exposed
to them are in high school, before people have really experienced life.

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brudgers
Cheri and I met in 1984. There have been hard lows.

I don't know what it would be to be fully satisfied with a relationship. I
just know I love the one we've decided to make work. It's a decision we've
each made many times.

At times, I've made it for me. Others, for our child. And I've made it for
her. She's done the same.

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MichaelEHowe
I would suggest that conflict is one of the biggest issues within a
relationship... So surely the easiest way for make a lasting relationship work
is to shy away from conflict!? (I'm sure some people would disagree with that)

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mike-cardwell
Conflicting priorities. Different World views and life goals.

