
Ask HN: How to deal with having a high EQ? - sidcool
I tend to have a very high EQ, and get hurt, disappointed a lot if I am unable to meet anyone&#x27;s expectations.  My team does not take me very seriously because of my over friendly nature and non strict attitude (I am a team lead).<p>It&#x27;s very rough going. Always anxious of doing the right thing and too much worried about not hurting anyone, even when someone is wrong.<p>Does anyone else face this?
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FiatLuxDave
So, first, what you are describing is not high EQ. EQ (Emotional Quotient)
typically is analogous to IQ in that it is about your ability to recognize and
handle emotions. So, you may have high EQ, because you were able to recognize
an emotional problem and ask for some advice, but that is not the name of your
problem.

Classically, you would be described as "sensitive". That's not a bad thing,
but it can be a difficult trait to function with as a team lead. I'm rather
sensitive too, and it has prevented me from taking appropriate actions when a
team member wasn't pulling their weight. So, that's a problem.

I find that what helps me is to realize that if you worry too much about
hurting one person (the focus of whatever current problem you are managing),
that not correcting the issue will result in the hurt of other team members
later. Your team trusts you to look ahead and prevent future hurts (that's why
you are the leader), so you really shouldn't make that trade. It's not easy to
do, but once you've made that mistake once its easy to remember the other hurt
team members that will be unhappy if you don't address the immediate issue. In
short, experience is a harsh teacher - do you want to learn from the mistakes
of others or the hard way?

This is also a good way to help distinguish whether you should take action
when someone is wrong. Everyone is wrong sometimes, but some kinds of wrong
are harmless, and taking it easy is the better thing to do in that case.

~~~
sidcool
You are right, I may have used the term incorrectly here. I definitely want to
learn from my mistakes in the past. It just seems to take away a lot of energy
from.

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psyc
Yes, this sounds like me. It's very hard. I spent a day worrying that my lead
was going to scold me about something minor, and he never mentioned it. The
only way I stopped worrying was to repeat "stop caring. don't care." to
myself. When someone does inevitably become confrontational about something, I
am careful to subdue my ego as much as possible. Make a quick, succinct
apology, and immediately move on to solutions. Never belabor anything. If
things get bad enough, I'll remove myself for a while and go do something else
until my head is clear.

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softwarefounder
This is a muscle that you have to practice developing - it'll hurt at first.

Small things you can start off with:

\- Use less emoji's when interacting via SMS or Slack with your colleagues.
Indicate a little less sentiment.

\- Learn to say no, nicely.

\- Stop being obligated into situations you don't want to be part of
(meetings, situations, etc)

Some people will say that you're "imagining" these thoughts - that they aren't
reality. If you have a high EQ, you may not be, and this may be what is
actually going on. Consider this a gift - that you feel like you might be able
to "read" people. Also be aware that you could be wrong on this.

Regardless - you can't live your life based on other peoples emotions. Act
accordingly - if it helps, act as if you couldn't read that person.

Happy to chat about this further.

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andrei_says_
Look into nonviolent communication. Despite the name, it’s about much more
than communication.

Provides techniques to re-frame, digest and transform emotional hurts that
make the process more efficient and less impactful.

I’ve been using it and teaching it for a decade and can testify to its
effectiveness.

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jabv
One way of thinking about EQ includes self-awareness and self-management as
components of your overall EQ (which may also include understanding others,
for example).

So, being aware of this is good. Being aware that you are causing the issues
you face is great.

However, you seem to have the attitude (from this limited sample) that this is
a concrete fact of life (that's my understanding from your post).

If you're aware that some aspect of your "over friendly nature" takes away
from your ability to lead your team effectively, and you don't adjust, you're
not practicing sound self-management, which is an important aspect of EQ (just
like some folks need to be aware that they become angered easily and adjust
accordingly).

My advice is to pretend like you came to yourself for advice with your current
situation. Using your ability to understand others, what would you advise?
What practices should change? You may find that this exercise will give you
more "next steps" than will other folks taking stabs in the dark online.

A final thought is this. You care about your team being effective and
satisfied with their leadership. Currently, you aren't providing what they
need. You're actually not displaying excellent EQ in this way. How can you put
aside your natural tendencies to offer your team what they need?

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tixocloud
I used to be like this several years ago but through reading, discussion and
self-reflection, I've come to realize that these feelings come from within and
may not mirror reality. These are thoughts that we put in our heads.

In order to get out of it, we have to change our mindset. I would be happy to
coach you through it but there is nothing wrong with being friendly while
being strict. In fact, there are times when being strict is the right thing to
do.

There are different techniques that you can learn to communicate wrongdoings.
There are also ways where you can exhibit how being transparent and making
mistakes do not necessarily mean failure.

When things are wrong, your team needs you to be honest with them. They want
to do better. They want to perform to the best of their ability. Make it so
that it's not about them but rather about the issue at hand. Let them come to
the solution themselves. Let them want to fix it themselves. Do not blame the
person but work together to resolve the issue.

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imhoguy
I tried Team Lead role twice and I had to step down to sleep well.

Unfortunately I couldn't bring together strict or sometimes stupid management
expectations and my friendly relation with the team mates. In my opinion the
higher management too often expects Team Leads to act as managers. Once you
get into their world of politics, secrets, appraisals your relation with the
team gets complicated.

So finally I have found Technical Lead/Architect/Principal Engineer roles as
best match for myself. I can digest politics as everyone else in the team but
most importantly I can lead my followers by inspiration and friendly
discussion.

Leading, not managing!

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the_arun
I'm just like you. I did openly discuss with my boss. One suggestion he shared
was - "Do not worry about things you cannot control. For eg. Emotions of
others. Just worry about what you could control and improve. As long as you
know what and why for your actions, you can stay less worried"

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edimaudo
You need to set better expectations for yourself and your team. There are
going to be times where expectations are not met due to unforseen issues.
There is nothing wrong with having a friendly nature

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SHAKEDECADE
IQ?

~~~
sidcool
EQ. Highly emotional.

