
Ask HN: How do you stop regretting? - regretting
Early 30's and experience debilitating regret on a daily basis, over not receiving the best education, not having excelled in any one field, not having any piqued interests as a child, missed opportunities, paths taken that cannot be reversed, and so much more. Many of those things were due to external factors, yet my mistakes still played a big part. Friends are in better places who I never saw as more hardworking or intelligent than I, but perhaps I've been deluded. Efforts taken at this point to turn things around would be futile, whether that means going back to school or picking up a new skill; I would be in competition with others who've been practicing their trade for many years. It feels as if it's too late. I am objectively in a place I am not happy with, but am convinced things cannot get any better. You may say that I'm not speaking rationally, but reality can validate every one of my worries and regrets. I don't think I am exaggerating or fabricating anything, rather I am reflecting on what has happened and observing patterns, or so I think I am.<p>Do any of you have any experience with this?
======
zerohp
Almost 3 years ago something flipped in my brain. I felt similar to you for
many years before that. At the time I was obese, so I worked on that first.
Eight months later I was still overweight but significantly stronger and
healthier.

During that time I saw how I had limited myself at work because I didn't feel
confident enough to ask for more. During my annual review at work, I made it
clear that I felt undervalued. My employer eventually responded, but it was
too late. I had already started seeking a new job.

I interviewed at a few places and I took the highest offer, even though it was
the least interesting work. That job allowed me to work from home and gave me
a lot of solitary time to reflect. Even though I've been programming for my
whole life and I earned a great salary, I had never gone to college. It was a
regret I had held for many years. For the first time it was possible to go to
college, because of the flexible hours allowed by my job as a telecommuter. So
at 34 years old I started taking classes at my local community college.

Fast forward a year and a half, I quit work and transferred to one of the top
computer schools in the country (top 5 in EE, CS, and CompE.) Sometimes it
feels strange to be 15+ years older than my classmates, but then I remind
myself that it's never too late to achieve my goals.

The last couple years have been the best years of my life. I have no more
regret because I am doing everything I can to realize my potential. It's never
too late.

TLDR: Be honest with yourself. Reflect, Analyze, and have the confidence to
pursue your dreams.

~~~
sbanach
Do you have any visibility on what it was that triggered your change? I don't
mean to pry, achieving a genuine change of outlook is rare, fascinating and to
be celebrated. A lot of time the internal struggle is worsened because there
doesn't seem to be any way to break out of the thinking patterns.

------
danilocampos
Hi. Sorry you're hurting.

A professional specializing in cognitive behavioral therapy might be
especially helpful to you, in just a few sessions. You need to break the
pattern of thought that leads you to fixate on your regrets, shortcomings and
other negativity. With all of this taking up space in your mind, you'll have a
hard time finding the attention or energy for the many exciting options open
to you.

Put another way – with your hand full of the whip you're using to beat the
hell out of yourself, it isn't free to work on real things.

Meanwhile, tonight, right now, take a moment and write yourself a letter.
Write from the perspective of the kindest, dearest, most understanding friend
you can imagine.

As this friend, express understanding and compassion for the hardships and
missed opportunities you've endured. Offer encouragement. Catalog all the
disappointments of your history if that's what you feel like doing – but do so
in a way that says "Hey dude. That hurts. I totally understand why you're
feeling bad. It's cool."

In short – give yourself a break. And repeat the exercise any time you're
having a rough night like this one.

There's no time machine. There's nothing you can do to go back and change
things. All you have is right now. Today. This moment. In any given moment,
you get to decide your stance and attitude. You can't reverse your past, but
you have full control over how you dispose of every single second between now,
as you're reading this, and when you die.

It is guaranteed that your experiences are 100% unique to you. It is
impossible to know what emergent qualities will arrange themselves to suit
your unique success.

The other guarantee is that for as long as you spend time thinking of the past
instead of building the future, the unique value of your experiences will
remain locked up, unused.

The mind is an incredibly powerful yet fallible pattern matching engine. It
can find anything, from any input, it seems. Just the same way you can make a
face or a zoo animal from a pattern of water vapor in the sky, you're making a
failure out of a pattern of events in the past. In both cases, it's illusion.

There's no instant fix. Patterns of thought take time and effort to change.
All I can tell you as that only you can decide to change course. It'll be
hard. It won't always be fun. It won't be overnight. But you can definitely do
it. And anything is better than this feeling, right?

Here's Dave McClure's blog on his late bloom, which perhaps will give you some
perspective on just how much road there still is ahead:

<http://500hats.com/late-bloomer>

~~~
edanm
"The mind is an incredibly powerful yet fallible pattern matching engine. It
can find anything, from any input, it seems. Just the same way you can make a
face or a zoo animal from a pattern of water vapor in the sky, you're making a
failure out of a pattern of events in the past. In both cases, it's illusion."

I don't often recommend Tony Robbins, but one lesson from his work that is
stuck with me is exactly that.

The way he puts it: "Our brain is amazingly good at answering questions. Any
question you ask yourself, and your brain will come up with an answer. So if
you ask yourself 'why am I such a failure?', you'll get an answer. On the
flipside, ask yourself 'Why am I such a success?', you'll also get an answer.
The trick is asking yourself the right questions". (This is _heavily_
paraphrased, as I'm doing it entirely from my memory of a tape from 10 years
ago).

This is also why I think the best self-help tool is the famous saying: "Fake
it til' you make it". _Pretending_ you're the kind of person you want to be is
a great way to trick your brain into getting the patterns and habits such a
person would have, and the fact that you essentially realize you're "fooling
yourself" actually doesn't matter that much.

~~~
nu2ycombinator
Which Tony Robbins book you are refering to? That was amazing quote and I want
to read that book

~~~
edanm
Like I wrote, I'm basically paraphrasing form a Tony Robbins audiobook I read
10 years ago. I don't remember which one.

Sorry!

------
redschell
Early 30s? You might like this:

 _“[Julius] Caesar served in 63 BC as a quaestor in Spain, where in Cadiz he
is said to have broken down and wept in front of a statue of Alexander the
Great, realizing that where Alexander had conquered most of the known world at
thirty, Caesar at that age was merely seen as a dandy who had squandered his
wife’s fortunes as well as his own.”_

------
gee_totes
Your experience is familiar to me. It sounds like you are trapped in the
negative thought cycle of depression. Your constant regretting is making you
unhappy.

We get tired of being unhappy and think about what's wrong, what went wrong,
how we got how we got here, etc. and try and think of a solution for our
unhappiness.

Trying to think your way out of regretting will not work. Unfortunately, there
is no trick or hack that will suddenly stop this cycle of regret cause it to
unravel, leaving you happy and satisfied and confident with the decisions
you've made.

"The problem is that we try to think our way out of our moods by working out
what's gone wrong. _What's wrong with me? Why do I always feel overwhelmed?_
Before we have any idea what's hit us, we're compulsively trying over and over
to get to the bottom of what is wrong with us as people or the way we live our
lives, and _fix it_. We put all of our mental powers to work on the problem,
and the power we rely on is that of our critical thinking skills.

Unfortunately, those critical thinking skills _might be exactly the wrong
tools for the job._ "

What you might want to try is relating differently to these feelings of
regret, especially when you notice that your mind is entering these cycles. It
is important to realize that this is just a passing feeling.

"But we don't _like_ to feel sad because it can quickly turn into a sense that
we are somehow flawed of incomplete; so we call in the intellect to focus on
the mismatch between what 'is' and what 'should be.' Because we can't accept
the discomfort of the message, we try to shoot the messenger and end up
shooting ourselves in the foot."

If the above blocks in quotation marks sound familiar to you, I suggest
picking up a copy of the book "The Mindful Way Through Depression"[0]

Full disclosure: I'm reading this book right now, as it was recommended to me
by a counselor a few years back. I also am not a psychiatrist (or lawyer, or
doctor).

[0][http://www.amazon.com/The-Mindful-Way-through-
Depression/dp/...](http://www.amazon.com/The-Mindful-Way-through-
Depression/dp/1593851286/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1359176364&sr=8-1&keywords=mindful+way+through+depression)

------
tunesmith
Others have written more eloquently than I, but just a couple of data points.

I'm in my early 40's right now and have recently gotten interested in a couple
of technical subjects and have been learning at my own pace. I gotta say,
these last few months of doing so have felt extremely rewarding. It doesn't
seem to matter so much that other people out there are more experienced and
also younger. There are also plenty of people that don't know a darn thing
about what I'm learning. What is mattering is that it is interesting to me.

Ten years ago I think I compared myself to others a lot more, at least in a
debilitating sense. So it might be something that calms down over time.

Also, there's one other trick that I've done in the past that has helped a
lot. Sometimes we have those black cloud moments where it seems like things
won't get better. Next time you're in a moment like that (or now, if it
applies), promise yourself to take a mental snapshot of who you are right now.
And promise yourself that if (when) you experience a moment of feeling better,
you will remember that snapshot, and talk to that version of yourself, and
reassure that version of you that things really did get better.

First time I managed to do that, I experienced that future black clouds were
much, much easier to deal with - because I had proven to myself that they were
just illusions.

------
wilhelm
All of this may be true. What are you going to do about it? Remain in that
hole of sweet self-pity until retirement? As the song goes: "it's not going to
stop - till you wise up". It's easy and comfortable to give up and whine
instead. I know. I've been there.

First, get a shrink. Yes, really.

Second, get to work! It takes ten thousand hours to truly master a craft.
That's about five working years. You'll probably be working until you're 67 or
so. If you start learning a new skill now, you'll master it at 37 - and for
the remaining 30 years of your working life, you'll do great.

Sure, the ambitious 20-somethings may have a head start. But over the next
decade, that'll even out. Just stop feeling sorry for youself and do the damn
work that's needed.

(Note: The following paragraph assumes you're not supporting a family.)

If you hate your job, quit. Yes, I know you probably don't have enough savings
to feel good about that. But there's no better motivation than impending doom.
If you know your runway is up in two months, you'll hustle like mad thouse two
months. And you'll get there. Really, what's the worst thing that can happen?

Is that really worse than where you're at now?

------
lisper
> Efforts taken at this point to turn things around would be futile

That's the depression talking. Others have said this, but I'll pile on because
it's true: talk to a therapist.

I know what you're thinking: no therapist can possibly help you. You're so
much smarter than any therapist. You've thought this through, and you haven't
been able to figure out the answer, so a therapist won't be able to either.

You're wrong. Here's why. You're a geek, so you're used to thinking about
every challenge as a problem with (at least potentially) a solution.
Depression isn't like that. It's not a problem with a solution, it's something
that _happens_ to you that you need to learn how to manage. You can't fix
depression any more than you can fix getting sleepy or having to go to the
bathroom. What you _can_ do is learn how to deal with it. And a good therapist
can help you with that. It's not an easy process, but it's well worth the
effort. You'll still get depressed, but it will hurt less.

------
corporalagumbo
Someone once told me a nice metaphor for life. It goes: life is like a big,
big river. Everyone starts at different points in the river - some start
further upstream, some start further down. No matter who you are though, there
are always people who started usptream from you. You'll see them cruising down
the river, laughing and splashing, like it's second nature. And it's easy to
be jealous of them, even to become fixated about the part of the river they
saw and you didn't. So you try and swim up the river to get back to where they
started from. Of course that doesn't work, because the current is far too
strong, so you just end up tiring yourself out, and when you get too exhausted
to keep going, you look around and realise you're in exactly the same place as
when you started.

You can do that for as long as you want. Ain't gunna do anything except tire
you out. Eventually though you can accept the place you started in the river,
and let the current take you down-stream. That's when you start living - when
you accept the limitations of how you started in life and open yourself up to
your own unique possibilities of your life adventure.

Also, my dad was 42 when he started university. He became a lawyer. Granted,
university in my country was cheap at the time, and granted, he would be more
comfortable now if he'd started earlier. But he made a good start, and it was
better than sitting around and resigning himself to being unqualified.

On that note, I want to stress: it is never too late to re-qualify. And it's
always worth it. Don't be embarrassed, don't come up with reasons why you'd
never be successful - just go for it. Give it a shot. It'll work out in the
end.

------
mikecane
OK, I'm older than you and have been going through this right now. Let me tell
you what the biggest pile of absolute bullshit is in what you just wrote:

>>>Efforts taken at this point to turn things around would be futile

That is _absolute bullshit._ You don't know what the future looks like nor can
you say any new efforts would be futile. You've just jumped the tracks, are
stuck in a rut, and all you're seeing is the damned rut. I can't help you get
out of that rut -- the rut is different for each of us -- but you _must_ find
your way out. Having great days isn't a matter of just waking up to great
days. It's _building_ great days one small step at a time during _lousy_ days.
Think of it like compound interest with money. Do at least _one_ damn thing to
move forward _each_ day. You don't need a plan -- plans won't help, only
create the potential for more disappointment -- you just need to _move_.
_Move, move, move_ I'll leave it to others here to suggest practical steps.
But standing still in that rut is death and life -- even miserable life -- is
_better than death._ Death is finality. Life is practically infinite
potential, whether you can see that right now or not.

------
fusiongyro
Sounds to me like undiagnosed depression. Treatment helps, and I do mean
antidepressants. _Fooled by Randomness_ also helps. Volunteerism helps. Doing
things helps. Throw yourself in with the salt of the earth.

Once you get your mood straightened out, you will find that day two of
progress is worth more than years wasted on regret, but the mood disorder is
not something you should expect to succeed at thinking your way through.

------
bane
First: Everybody has regrets, often very deep and hurtful regrets. Remember
that when you think about the successes of another. They're living with their
own unique set of places where life didn't work out for them.

Second: There's going to be somebody who's better than you in _anything_ you
do. But nobody is going to be better than you in _everything_ you do. You are
a unique collection of skills and should only really think about self
improvement for your own sake, not about competition against others on cherry
picked sets of capabilities.

Third: Try and live a life that, if you picked out only the highlights and
wrote a book about it, would be a damn interesting read. Meditate on those
good parts, those personal adventures, those things you never thought you
would ever see, hear or experience. Take great satisfaction in those things --
for they are yours and yours alone. If you think you haven't done that yet,
start today. That transition into a life of experience will in and of itself
be a place in your life's book where the adventure began.

------
JacobAldridge
Past > Present < Future

I cannot change the past. I cannot change the future. I only have choice in
the present, so that is my point of power.

Past > POWER < Future

This simple little framework helps me avoid regret, and also becoming lost in
fantasy-land about what my future may entail. Note that it doesn't absolve me
of responsibility to learn from the past or plan for the future - but both
learning and planning are 'present' actions!

------
rooshdi
Forget everyone else's "success". Forget the past. It's irrelevant. What do
you want to do _now_ and into the future? What are _your_ dreams? Life is
fairly short and not fair to many people, but most of us are quite fortunate
to have good health and opportunities to seize our dreams. What are yours?
Start with realistic dreams you can achieve now and work step-by-step towards
larger ones. You _can_ do it. Failures are the footsteps of success. Just keep
dreaming towards that door. It will open one day.

<http://youtu.be/hzBCI13rJmA>

------
YuriNiyazov
Honestly, there's a whole field of professionals that's designed to deal with
problems like these; it's called psychotherapy. It helped me, though not for
this exact problem, but for something related.

~~~
mynameishere
_it's called psychotherapy_

You were perhaps trying to say "psychiatry". Psychotherapy is a pseudoscience
right up there with dream interpretation. And everyone else posting might
consider that the OP isn't apparently an imbecile, and so is well-aware that
an industry of therapists/doctors/quacks (etc etc etc) exists for mental
health problems and that recommending it is pretty much redundant.

~~~
JonnieCache
Psychotherapy is a category, not a specific practice. You are almost certainly
talking about 19th century style freudian psychoanalysis, which is not
representative of the field today. Modern psychotherapy is largely based
around sensible evidence based things like CBT, mentioned many times in this
thread. Lots of it is carried out by trained and qualified MD type people. CBT
for example is part of the NHS's mental health system. The people who provide
it are called psychiatrists.

Obviously there are a lot of quacks out there but I have faith that the OP is
not vulnerable enough to be taken in by them.

~~~
naughtyjohn
At least in the NHS, CBT is NOT provided by Psychiatrists, but by
Psychologists (or sometimes others).

Psychiatrists deal in Chemical responses to problems, whilst Psychologists
deal with Talking treatments, and at least in the NHS there seems to be a
definite divide between the two.

------
factorialboy
I had a similar feeling few years ago. What worked for me: Meditation.

Why? Because it stresses on the _now_.

It's practical too. There's nothing you can do about the past. And sitting and
internally whining doesn't help. Do whatever you're doing now and give it 100%
attention.

In the end, if you're lucky, you'll realize the futility of it all! :)

------
rosser
Here are a few things from my experiences with regret you should consider:

0\. You could probably benefit a great deal from talking with someone
professionally about what you're going through. It's not a panacea, but it can
definitely help.

1\. There's absolutely no point in comparing your life to someone else's. They
simply aren't comparable. Your life is yours; their lives are theirs. You're
here in this world to have your experience, not theirs. Judging your
experience of life in light of what you _perceive_ to be another's experience
will do you no good whatsoever. Worse, you're probably wrong in how you
perceive their life. For all you know, the people you think have it so awesome
are miserable, themselves, and secretly think your life is the shit — and
round and round we go... Just Stop. Now.

(Full disclosure: I still have trouble with this one myself, to an extent, but
only with age any more. I turned 40 last year, and work in technology, so I'm
always surrounded by 20-something youth and vitality. Maintaining my
equanimity can sometimes be challenging in that environment.)

2\. Whatever it is that you're regretting, you need to understand that you
couldn't have acted differently at the time. Between the circumstances around
the event, who you were at the time of the event, who the other people
involved were at the time, and so on, there really wasn't much anyone could
have done, but exactly what they did. (Aside: as much as people reading along
at home might want to, please don't use my phrasing here to spawn a free will
vs. determinism debate. While I, personally, find that stuff fascinating, this
_really_ isn't the place for it.)

This was a very, very hard one for me to come to grips with. I used to have
some pretty debilitating regrets, myself. There were choices I'd made that,
when I thought of them, I'd feel physical pain, as if _struck_. Seriously, I
remember many occasions where I'd be in the shower (the most common place for
this to happen, for whatever reason), or going about my day in some other
fashion, when Situation X would pop into my head, and I'm suddenly doubled
over as if someone just punched me in the gut. I'm not exaggerating.

Worse, those regrets were holding me back in situations like the one I was
regretting. Let's suppose, for sake of discussion, that my regret was over
"blowing it" with "the girl of my dreams." Every time I was in an even
remotely romantic situation after that, my regrets would be foreground in my
mind, instead of being present to the situation I was in. I doubt I have to
belabor how much life I missed out on because of _that_...

After a lot of soul-searching, and a rather expensive and painfully-wrought
epiphany or seven, I realized exactly what I describe above: given who I was
at the time, who the other people were, the circumstances we were all in, &c,
there simply _wasn't_ another outcome for the situation. The only way it could
have played out is exactly as it did. After that, regret for my choices made
as much sense as regretting it being cold that day.

Please take care not to misunderstand: that doesn't mean you shrug and walk
away. Every experience in life, pleasant or painful, has something to teach
us. Often enough, the more painful the experience, the more there is to learn
from it — we learn that fire is hot by being burned far more quickly than we
do by being told. So whatever the lesson(s) might be in your situation(s), sit
down with yourself and strive to find them, honestly, and without judgement.
They're there, and the rest of your life will open and flow out of what you
take from them.

~~~
smky80
I could have written the original post word for word, and I enjoyed your post.
However, what torments me personally is the knowledge that the outcome could
have been very different had small things been very different. A few freak
twists of fate don't happen, I give a little more thought to decisions that
turned out to be huge mistakes, etc.

------
bbunix
I'm 50. Made millions. Lost millions. Regrets? Sure.

But it's really a question of perspective. A friend of mine needs 2 kidneys
and a liver (try having the "regrets" discussion with them). When I look
around, really look around and see the situation a lot of people are in, I get
grateful. And gratitude is the answer to that situation. Make a list of all
the things you have to be grateful for. You're on HN, you're educated, a bunch
of people here care.

Go help someone else. Volunteer at a homeless shelter. Visit the sick in a
hospital. Go to the SPCA and pet the animals. Take action.

It's also the middle of winter. I used to suffer from Seasonal Affective
Disorder living in Canada. Fish oil + vitamin D + exercise helps. Moving to
Key West helped more :)

Finally, I had to accept that I was exactly where I wanted to be. I took all
the actions to get me here. I take the blame. I own it. Mine. Figure out where
you want to go, big goals, small goals - and take daily steps to get there...
you're either getting better or getting sicker... make the choice to take the
actions to get better.

And this may involve asking for help. You've made a good start here, but there
might be underlying depression as others have mentioned... therapy of some
sort... meditation (my favorite)... stopping drinking or drugging...

This too will pass. Hang in there. Use this situation as the impetus you need
to change some shit that needs changing. And I want to see the next post from
you as "Tell HN: Feeling Better, here's why"

Good luck!

~~~
j45
Share more about meditation if you don't mind.

------
visualR
Early 30s is not too late. I know a guy going back for a MS in Stat who is 40s
-- no previous data related jobs. Stop comparing yourself to other people,
just work on things youre passionate about. Most people dont. You are already
successful if you can do that.

------
akulbe
I have some experience with this. I never went into a slump that I would
consider clinical depression. I'm not sure if that's what you're going
through, or not. I'm certainly not that kind of professional.

My experience is this: regret is a black hole of the worst kind. It sucks you
in, and there is no end to it, and it is unmerciful in the worst way.

However, how you choose to respond to your circumstances is completely within
your control. This was something Victor Frankl (a man who survived the
concentration camps during the Holocaust!!) talked about in "Man's Search for
Meaning"

I will hit 40 in November, and there are parts of my life that I wish had
ended up differently, but I don't poke that bear.

I have learned to be thankful for where I am, and what blessings I have in my
life now.

(for me, I'm happily married, and have a health baby girl, a home of my own, a
job I enjoy)

I would posit to you that it would help, if you took an inventory of what you
have to be thankful for... and started from that position, that life may look
a bit brighter.

You _can_ change your circumstances in life. It may not come as quickly as you
like... but it will come, with work.

I am sorry you are hurting... but I couldn't disagree with you more, that
efforts to turn things around now would be futile. Nothing could be further
from the truth.

If you like, I can share with you where I've come from. My history isn't
something I'd like to put here publicly, but I'd be happy to share with you,
through a different venue. You can email me at the address listed in my
profile.

~~~
_Flynn
This.

"I would posit to you that it would help, if you took an inventory of what you
have to be thankful for... and started from that position, that life may look
a bit brighter."

~~~
akulbe
Thank you, sir. It took me a LONG time to learn that lesson. I'm glad I
finally did.

------
davidroberts
I'm 55 and currently barely scraping by on temp jobs and freelance gigs. As I
look back at all the mistakes and missed opportunities, mainly caused by
obvious glaring faults of my own, or in what in retrospect could be considered
very dumb decisions, I certainly feel some regret. Lack of focus, maybe ADD
long before people knew it existed, quitting great jobs to start a failed
business or non-profit or to work overseas. Going to grad school, then
skipping classes and homework to spend all night on personal projects that
never really amounted to anything, getting mediocre grades, then eventually
dropping out. Not able to make up my mind what I want to do for a living.

But then I see my loving wife of 30 years who has put up with me, two kids in
college who call me up for advice (not necessarily taking it, but it's the
thought that counts) and a high school kid who talks to me and laughs at my
jokes, good health, a decent if small home, and many, many, many friends from
all the places I lived, and not really even one real enemy.

Then I wonder. Would I have been as happy if I had gotten that fancy degree?
Kept that job that would have had me away on 6 week business trips twice or
three times a year? If I'd not followed my dreams, even though they didn't pan
out?

When I die (and at 55 it starts looking a lot closer), although I never
amounted to much, maybe I'll have friends and family saying goodbye as I slip
away and it will seem more important at that moment than a big job and major
accomplishment. At least I can feel that maybe the world is happier and nicer
a little bit because I was here. I smiled at people and they smiled back and
there were two more smiles added to the world happiness account. Maybe it
turned out OK not focus on career and DOING BIG THINGS.

Maybe nothing has stuck for you so far, because you haven't found what would
really make you happy. Please, keep looking. Be open. Cultivate positive
relationships. Help other people who are suffering. Make the world cleaner,
nicer, safer, brighter, more fun, even if just through a kind word to the
person sitting next to you at Starbucks, or picking up a piece of litter and
dropping it in a trash can.

And if you do want to turn things around, it's definitely not too late, if you
want to try again. I've had at least two great chances since I was 40. The
only reason I'm not doing them now is because I ended up moving on because
they weren't really what I wanted. Maybe they'll be what you want.

Most of all, don't let the world's idea of what is worth doing define how you
evaluate your life. They have no idea what constitutes true happiness for you.
Only you can know that, and sometimes it takes a while to find out.

------
tehwalrus
As others have suggested, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is going to help
enormously with this - I have personal experience of it, and it is very good.

Depending on where you are, you may need to wait to get an appointment (I had
to wait 4 months to see a CBT worker on the NHS in the UK) so in the meantime,
you may want to try this book:

[http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-practical-guide-
finding-...](http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-practical-guide-finding-
frantic/dp/074995308X)

Which is an 8 week course of ways to meditate to practise breaking the
negative spirals of thoughts.

My partner and I are currently working though it, and while it can seem like
it's talking down to you some of the time (especially if you're a geek like
me) you should persevere, as the actual conclusions, practical advice and
meditations are very helpful (and have been _shown_ to work in clinical
trials.)

Good luck, life gets better than this! :)

~~~
mmcnickle
The CBT waiting list is vastly longer in some areas (over 18 months). The
mindfullness course is very good. Also search around, some charities will run
free CBT courses or pay for private CBT courses for you if you are unable to.

------
datalus
I'm in the same boat as you. I graduated from a top CS program almost a decade
ago. I've only worked at two companies, the first a startup and the second is
a cushy corporate job. I had a stepfather who was amazingly successful at my
age, but just last year his life ended quite abruptly. It was really hard to
not only lose him as a mentor, but as a friend and family.

It really stirred in me that life is what you make of it. I'm actively seeking
outside help and hope that going into my 30s will be the biggest step forward
in my life equipped with the knowledge of where I came from in my 20s.

To say that the 30+ comments on this thread so far has been incredibly useful
to my own personal experience is an understatement.

I thank you OP for making this post. I've been on a bit of a downturn lately
but this discussion has made it feel all the more surmountable. I wish you
well, you're not alone in this struggle.

------
fernly
To judge yourself by contrast to others is one of the most efficient ways of
making yourself unhappy! Consider: if they are doing better than you, you are
jealous and you think badly of yourself. If they are doing worse, then you may
think better of yourself, until you realize that you are taking pleasure in
someone else's misfortunes, a pathetic thing to do!

The alternative is to replace the relative standard of your peers' success,
with an absolute standard. That could be your own past (how far have you come
since x; what have you learned since x; what wisdom have you gained since x,
and so on) which has the advantage of showing you ways to go forward. Or it
could be a national or global standard: how wealthy, how comfortable, how
skilled are you with respect to the average U.S. male of your age? Which will
probably at least be flattering.

------
BklynJay
1\. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. It's ok to mope for a day or two. Get it
out of your system. Then get it together for long enough to act, because you
have work to do.

2\. You're in your early 30's and you feel like all your decisions have been
made and that everything about your life is set in stone? I can tell you
beyond a shadow of a doubt, that isn't true. You're still young. Don't focus
on what you've done. Let that be chapters 1,2 and 3 in your biography. What do
you want chapters 3.3 through 8 to say? Do you want them to say, "He made some
mistakes and let them rule the rest of his life"? Or "He got his act together
and made opportunities for himself."

You're on Hacker News. HN is absolutely rife with stories of people _creating_
opportunities for themselves.

One last thing: "Do what you can, with what you have, where you are."

------
fauigerzigerk
It's never too late. You're not on a race track competing against others who
have a huge head start. There is no single track and no single finishing line.

Things cannot only be done better or worse, faster or more slowly, they can
also done in an infinite number of ways. An infinite number of new things have
yet to be invented. No one is ever far ahead of others in terms of having
ideas and creating things that others like, simply because there is no "ahead"
in an infinite dimensional space.

If you pick up a new skill that I have been perfecting for the past 20 years
and we both try to make something new that others like, there is no reason to
believe that you will be any less successful than me 6 to 12 months down the
road. Unless it's theoretical physics perhaps ;-)

------
viscanti
A big part of this is that you're comparing yourself to others. The only thing
you can really control is your own actions. It's much better to focus on where
you are and where you want to be. Are you making progress or not? If not, what
can you do to get where you want to be?

It's about progress every day towards a goal. Whatever has happend has
happened. You can't control the past. But you can absolutely control the
future and where you end up. Focus on what you can control (your actions going
forward) not what you can't (the actions of your friends or what you've done
in the past).

People successfully re-invent themselves much later than their early 30s.
You've got nothing to worry about. It's not too late.

------
boringkyle
The best advice I got was:

    
    
      1. Never compare your beginning to someone else's middle
      http://www.lifewithoutpants.com/someone-elses-middle/
    
      2. Don't look to the past. It's all dead back there.

Also, one way my accounting friend explains it to me is that anything that's
already happened is a sunk cost. Like in business, you shouldn't worry about
the "could've. would've. should've." What you evaluate are the future
costs/benefits of your decisions. I've been there man, and I still get into
that mood now and then. It's normal. It will pass. Smile. Get sunlight. Do
something good for someone. And sleep and wake up early. These are the things
that help me still.

------
yesimahuman
I might be too young to have the regret, but I feel the comparison to others
quite often. Honestly, I think this is the realm of professional help if it is
debilitating. I think a consequence of being a heavy thinker means we analyze
every situation as if we are merely a player in some strange social arena, and
we often feel we are losing.

What helped me the most was realizing that money and success wouldn't make me
happier, but that investing in the relationships and values I had would. Money
and success is merely one social metric, and it's often rather shallow.

Good luck!

------
nollidge
> You may say that I'm not speaking rationally, but reality can validate every
> one of my worries and regrets.

Depression lies.

------
ScottBurson
You do sound depressed.

I think you also need to forgive yourself for your mistakes.

There's hardly anyone who doesn't make some wrong turns in their 20s. (And I'm
not saying everyone has it all figured out by 30, either.) Your situation is
not even unusual, except that you're feeling so bad about it.

I'm a lot older than you are, and I assure you that it's ludicrous to think
it's too late for you to have a good life. Actually, things can get steadily
better into middle age, though perhaps not as fast as you would like.

------
dcgibbons
Your feelings are extremely common. In fact, most men especially will likely
experience these thoughts in their 30s and 40s to varying degrees. I know I
have.

I can tell you that ultimately what you have to do is forgive yourself, not
only for past mistakes but for letting yourself waste time on regret. Then,
the next and most important step is to take responsibility: no one else but
you is responsible for how you are feeling, and what you will do in the
future. Taking responsibility is one of the most liberating things people can
do for themselves, and yet is one of the hardest for most of us.

Do not worry about it being too late; it is not. I have known plenty of people
that have come back or joined engineering, or something else, very late in
their life (you're still a young pup compared to them!) and have been
successful. You have to set goals for yourself, execute against them, and
continue to remind yourself that you are responsible for what happens.

Don't look around at people who became billionaires in their mid-20s and
decide you haven't done enough or aren't talented enough. There are so many
factors that go into huge successes like that. Hustle and hard-work are indeed
a huge part of it, but so is timing, luck, and their placement in the
universe.

I would also ask you to think hard on if a good school, etc. is what you need
versus hard work. Think hard on what your goals are and the steps you need to
get there. Don't spend time on something that isn't really going to help you.

------
roryasdfasdf
I was feeling similarly for a long time except on one point: I think you are
really wrong about taking a different path being futile. Your reason for not
starting something new because you won't compare to people who have been doing
it for years is not a good reason. There are tons of people who have been
doing their job for years and are just plain not good at their job at all. Aim
for their jobs for now. If you pick something else you want to do you are
definitely going to end up being better than they are if you bust your ass.
And they have jobs. So what is stopping you from beating them? Nothing.

You said you view yourself as more hardworking and intelligent than most
people, even some very successful friends. Well part of the gift of being
intelligent is that you have the capability of retooling yourself and picking
up something new. You also have the other component for being able to do that
as well, being hardworking.

Things are guaranteed to not get any better if you don't do anything, and your
reasons for not doing anything are not good ones. If you are a smart,
hardworking person and you set a reasonable goal for yourself there should be
nothing holding you back barring your own motivation.

Finally, if you actually do decide to get moving in a direction, print this
out and put it on your wall:

<http://casnocha.com/2010/11/the-30-steps-to-mastery.html>

------
6ren
1\. While you reflect on the past, you neglect the present - which is the only
place you have power/agency. You have none over the past, so focusing on it
will give you the _impression_ you are powerless. When you stop exercising
your options, you may start to believe you _can't_ exercise them, then you
stop looking for options/choices/opportunities, and stop seeing the ones you
already have, and finally believe you have no options. You can reverse this by
focusing your attention on where you do have power. Like a muscle, exercising
your power increases it; by noticing your present options/opportunities, your
eyes will get better at seeing them.

2\. A way to feel satisfaction from progress in the present is to take a tiny
action, and to compare yourself to where you were a moment ago. Tiny steps
count and they add up. Add a little to a little and soon you have a big pile.
A journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step; any journey
_consists_ of steps.

This is the approach I try to take when I feel as you do, and it helps me. As
others have said, you're hurting, and it's important to take care of yourself.
Think of yourself as suffering a physical injury, and taking small steps is
physiotherapy. Don't push too hard at first, try for a level that will help
strengthen you, not for performance in itself.

Richard Feynman said that nature's imagination is greater than your
imagination. You are part of nature, your cells, your mind, your potential.
There's more to you than you can ever know.

------
ChrisNorstrom
"I never saw [them] as more hardworking or intelligent than I"

Maybe that's your problem. You're so confident in yourself that you just
expect things to happen for you. (That's what my problem was)

1) _"I would be in competition with others who've been practicing their trade
for many years."_

Common dude that's just BULLSHIT. What do you think college students go
through?! They enter a market without any experience, competing with people
who are well established and experienced. That's what people do, that's what
companies do. The Google guys starting working on a search engine in an era
when Microsoft, Yahoo, Lycos, & Alta Vista were established competitors. Same
with Facebook > Myspace, same with Walmart > K-Mart > Sears Roebuck, with MS
Word > Word Perfect, and the list goes on and on. A bunch of inexperienced no-
bodies little by little outrun an experienced established player.
Statistically & Historically speaking, you have a chance. So get that "I can't
compete" argument out of your head. THAT is what's holding you back.

2) There's "problems" and then there's "issues". Problems can be solved.
Issues can never be solved, they must be adjusted to. A flat tire is a
problem, a hatred of men because of experiences with your father is an issue.
And just like losing your legs, not having a childhood, and jealousy due to
insecurity, your "deep seeded regret" is an issue. You cannot fix it. You can
only normalize to it, understand it, and move on from it.

3) Cognitive behavioral therapy, as others have mentioned is REALLY amazing
and works very well for issues. I got over body dismorphic disorder using CBT.
You can't change the world to make yourself feel better, you can only change
yourself, your point of view and way of thinking and that's basically what CBT
is. CBT can be done with a therapist to talk you through learning to recognize
and later stopping the thoughts that lead to your regret. Or you can learn
about CBT methods and do it yourself like I did. (I talk to myself 6-12 hours
a day which is why I went the self-mediate route. Therapists took too long and
were too expensive.)

4) Learn that there is a dark side to dreaming, wishing, fantasizing, and
desiring. A very dark side that leads to nothing but disappointments and
regrets of not having reached the dream, wish, fantasy, or desire. We've been
conditioned our whole lives to dream big and keep trying but when you don't
reach those dreams you've set yourself up for decades of regret and heartache.
You need to stop comparing what you have to what you wish you had, and instead
compare what you have with what others do not. You're lucky, realize that.

~~~
chamboo
I am probably more down than the OP, I am 30 and we are in a very similar
situation, but I'm struggling hard with very strong depression at the moment
due to all these factors and also losing the only love in my life I've ever
had. I can't go 5 minutes without fantasizing about hanging myself. Don't
worry though, not going to do it, but it's obvious my brain does not see
another way out.

I just wanted to say thank you for this post. Although it may come off as a
bit harsh to some readers(and I've never been a fan of the 'tough it up'
mentality), I needed to hear this, and I think you're right on every point.

What I would like to know further is how you managed to do CBT, as I know that
I desperately need something like this, but I can't find a
competent/trustworthy psychologist to save my life. Any links/resources/advice
is GREATLY appreciated.

~~~
ericabiz
Read the book "Feeling Good" and do the exercises in the book. Its author is
the guy who invented CBT.

That book helped me kick some serious depression. And it's a great read for
logical thinker types.

~~~
chamboo
Many thanks for this Erica. Also, grats on your company in Austin. I have
followed you for a while now, glad to see things are continuing to go well for
you. Cheers.

------
blablabla123
I do also have this from time to time, but not very often. It does not occur
to me when I have things to do that are meaningful to me. Like working on a
cool hobby project, having fun with friends, thinking that my work is fun.

Maybe your life is really boring right now, so you have reason to be
frustrated. This is good, isn't it? This probably means you need to change
something. Obviously what you do, but maybe also your attitude. You should
rather look forward and think what you _can_ do and not what you _could_ have
done.

Not sure what you are interested in, maybe you want to go rafting, learn
climbing, learn Vietnamese, learn to cook food that others can eat, create a
funny website, go to another country, go to the Military, run like Forest Gump
through the US, or maybe walk through the US... So much stuff to do.

Also stop whining, maybe you need to watch some more Clint Eastwood movies.
And in addition some documentaries about refugees in Africa or child soldiers.
Afterwards you feel more sorry for them than for you. What also helps, talking
a cold shower in the morning (or hot-cold ;)), making some push-ups, eating
breakfast. You'll feel much more vital afterwards. (Speaking from experience.)

Anyway: stop comparing yourself with others and don't forget that they paid a
price for being so disciplined.

------
yason
There's a saying "Be yourself. Everyone else is taken."

You can't change the past so you can only learn from it. I sense that you're
not fully ok with who you are yourself and where you come from, and that leads
you to the fallacious conclusion that you're somehow _not good enough_.

The question is, what is your identity built on? Is it things that are
internal to you and which don't depend on other people's opinions, or is it
things that are external to you, leaving you wide open to judge yourself?

------
also_regretting
I don't have any advice to offer, but I do feel what you are going through, as
I am in the same boat, also around the same age.

I had a very sheltered life, and that didn't help. Friends have moved on - to
bigger jobs, having families and kids etc, while I feel like I'm a big failure
(well - I make decent money, have some job - that's pretty much my
"achievement" in life). Most of them are no better than I, in terms of
intelligence or ability. I suppose where I failed, was execution. These days I
get depressed often, though I am getting better at not showing it outside.
Suicidal thoughts have crossed my mind, more than once.

Anyway - I just thought I'd say that you are not alone. There are probably
more people like us.

In terms of what can be done to change (my situation is probably more
complicated than yours, as an immigrant) - I am not sure. I've often wondered
if it would be nice to have a support group (or a mastermind group) that can
help - without judging and without being harsh. I haven't found one yet. If
you like to get in touch, reply to this comment. May be we can support each
other, may be we can find others. If not, good luck. My thoughts are with you.

------
dinkumthinkum
I would say just snap out of it. I mean that sincerely. All those things you
mention don't matter. People in far worse position than you, assuming what
you've said is an accurate portrayal, go on to become very successful. Sure,
you could say they are anomalies. But, you've made it to this site, you don't
write like a moron, I find it hard pressed to believe it is hopeless.

You are here so I wonder, do you have some interest in programming? Many
people have programming jobs that don't have CS degrees. You mention your age,
and sure out in the Valley there are those types that have the mindset of
Logan's Run and about age 28 is time when programmers need to be put out to
pasture, but this is not true in most places, probably not totally true in the
Valley either. If you want to do programming, or anything, learn skills and go
for it. You don't need to be so attractive that 90% of companies want to hire
you; you just need to find that one person that will take a chance on you.

I recently met someone much older than you, take six months learning .NET and
C# (this is not an advertisement for that platform just a real example), then
found a job as a contractor at a government agency (or sub contractor) and
started building experience, now he has no problems finding programming work.
It's not glamorous mega high paying stuff but it's not bad and he's not even
that driven. So, early 30's is not the end of the world.

How to stop regretting? Spend some time with animals, zoos, dogs. They live in
the moment. Start doing that for awhile, but work on a plan for your future
but don't look back. It's pointless.

Also, you're not alone. A lot of people feel this way, even people you might
think of as pretty successful.

Good luck and get out there!

------
jessedhillon
I don't like to go give advice because, well, it's often just wrong. Not my
advice, all advice. But I will do it because I think this could help you:

Lower your expectations, but raise your commitments.

What I mean by that is: stop looking at your less-studious friends and
thinking how much farther you should be. Stop looking at your life's
circumstances and thinking how much better others have it. Strive for
something more immediate: a new job, promotion, getting a meeting with someone
important to you. Whatever. Then, plan the sequence of actions you need to
undertake to make this happen, and commit to executing them.

In my personal experience, feeling exactly the way you described, I've found
that all of it stems from not actually getting anything done. Expecting to be
in such high places, but having such a small inventory of achievement. So I'm
reversing that: collecting achievements, committing to completion and
expecting only to move on to the next commitment.

In my experience the despair came from feeling that I was powerless to change
my circumstances. This approach directly affirms that I do.

(The particular phrasing of this advice comes from Venkatesh Rao)

------
Mz
I was one of the top three students of my graduating high school class. People
expected big things of me. I also had undiagnosed medical problems and an
abusive childhood behind me. I chose to go deal with my personal issues
instead of pursuing public accomplishments and approval. I didn't stop feeling
like a loser until my medical condition was properly identified when I was 36.
After that, I was finally able to start getting my act together.

But it wasn't quick or anything. There was a lot to address. I still feel
frustrated with a lot of things, even though I am pretty confident of the
choices I have made. I know I still have massive public image problems, which
makes me crazy, and a lot of things feel incredibly unfair to me.

Just start working on your problems. The only remedy for regret is to fix
things that went wrong. When that is not directly possible, still try to fix
things. (I know a woman whose child died. She is still researching his cause
of death in order to benefit other people, even though it won't bring her
child back.)

"Nothing takes the past away like the future." -- Madonna

------
sebcat
Cheer up, mate. Always look on the bright side of life.

I used to feel like that. To be honest, I still do, sometimes. Most of the
time though, I try to broaden my perspective on things. So you're not the
industry leader. So you're not the conqueror of worlds.

It.

Doesn't.

Matter.

I make more money than my mother and my father. My mother is a teacher who
studied at the university. I think master, but I don't really know. She takes
an interest in children with learning disabilities. My father is a metal
worker. My mother can't hear for shit because all those children make a lot of
noise. My father has heart disease and bad knees.

I, on the other hand, don't have a degree. I have not worked hard to achieve
anything in my life really. I code, people give me money. Good money. More
money than what is given to honest, hard working people.

I'm not a name, or anyone to care about. Sometimes it feels as if I have
conned my way into making a living, because everyone in my family works harder
than me. My grandfather is still working as a carpenter to get by. I also
think he does it because he likes it. It is what he knows. But still, his
knees are busted up, his hip is too. And his back hurts. He's old and should
be enjoying his retirement.

The world is unfair. And a fucked up place. My country has a social welfare
system. A relatively good one. If you are unable to work, the state will
provide for you. Not much, but still enough to get by. No real need to be
homeless, yet people still are.

I've visited the US a couple of times for recreational purposes and for work.
To me, it seems as if everyone believes that if you work hard and pay your
bills, you will go far.

It's not like that.

It's about circumstances. It's about chance. It's about luck.

Sometimes i feel guilt because I receive more money than my family. Sometimes
I feel as if I could've done something more with my life.

When I feel like that, I just say 'fuck it'. It is very liberating. Force
yourself to think happy thoughts. You will be happy.

The world is still fucked up. People still die of starvation, rape and mass
murder in the world, while the people from wealthy families prosper in the
west. But the world is not yours to fix.

Just enjoy your time in this world, it will not last forever.

------
dougk16
Not sure if you've read this, but it might help a little:
<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Desiderata#Full_text>

Specifically: "If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and
bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself."

My personal advice: go exercise until you can't take it anymore...you'll feel
great.

------
dmoo
I'm not sure how best to put this, but try hanging out with dumber people.
It's like this, sometimes we can't help comparing ourselves with others but we
mostly have a habit of only looking up and not down. In this industry you are
encouraged to look at the brightest and learn from them and their habits so
that you too can be a 10x programmer. Not everybody can be a 10x programmer,
that's just how it is.

Chances are you are somewhere near the middle of the curve, that's where most
people are but there is a climate around at the moment where everybody is
supposed to be ahead of the pack but that's not possible so relax, do your
best and see how that turns out.

Before the light from our sun reaches the centre of the Milky Way anybody who
is left will have long forgotten about the achievements of everybody who has
ever been alive up until now. All that really matters is the people you care
about and who care about you. Focus on that and the rest of it will take care
of itself.

------
DigitalJack
I deal occasionally with regret. I think it's pretty natural if you spend a
lot of time introspecting.

I'm sure there have been times were we all have dreamed of being able to go
back in time and do things differently. Or go back and visit prior selves,
tell them to do things differently.

Which brings up an interesting proposition. What if you could write a letter
to your past self, say 2 years ago. What would you say? What would you tell
yourself to do differently?

Write that letter. Be real with yourself.

Now, having written that letter, read it back. Except think of this letter as
having been written by your future self a couple years from now to you in the
present. Perhaps some specifics can't apply directly, but you likely will have
found some things that you _can_ start applying to yourself now.

This is an idea that has been bouncing around my head lately. I have not done
it yet, but perhaps this weekend I will spend some time reflecting on the last
couple years and pen that letter to myself.

------
Jach
There are lots of great comments on this page. I'll offer something different,
which is a critique on this section of your post:

> Efforts taken at this point to turn things around _would be futile_ ,
> whether that means going back to school or _picking up a new skill_ ; I
> would be in competition with others who've been practicing their trade for
> _many years_.

Emphasis mine. This is bullshit. In three major ways. First, just because
someone has been doing something a while, doesn't mean they're very good at
it. Just because someone started 10 years ago, doesn't mean another person
can't surpass them within a single year. Practice does not make perfect (it
does usually make good enough though).

Second, I'm going to assume you kind of sort of like programming, but if you
don't then I'll suggest that as a new general skill for you to pick up. Every
year job-n00bs graduate with a CS degree and yes, some of them do in fact get
a job programming--even some of the incompetent or just somewhat-worse-than-
mediocre graduates. Yeah, if you pick up programming, you'll be "competing"
with them for the basic jobs. Yeah, some companies have age bias, a lot don't.
And maybe this year you don't get a job you want. So focus on improving the
skill that company wanted over the course of the following year (a great thing
about programming is that "on-the-job" is not the only way to improve your
skill), and when you try again, you're still in competition with a fresh crop
of n00bs, but now you have a year of practice on them. Some people are always
going to be ahead of you. Big deal, the demand isn't exactly drying up.

Third, there are plenty of fields that are dying for new blood. It doesn't
matter if it's inexperienced blood, that can usually be fixed. And there are
who knows how many unknown frontiers of thought and work left to explore. If
you're really worried about competing with people who have decades of practice
and experience, then find something that no one on Earth has been practicing
for "many years", and do that.

------
misleading_name
I feel like you describe pretty often. I think the trick is to sleep,
exercise, and concentrate on what's going on right now. You can't change the
past, you can only change what you are doing right now, this second. You have
control over that... hang in there. Also, rosser, you're answer seems very
helpful.

------
codex
First of all, the responses to this post are breathtakingly good. This is one
of the best threads I have ever seen on HN, and I am proud of the community.
Take time meditate on the content here, because it is gold.

I have little to add, save this: try to think less and do more. That may sound
strange and counterproductive, but I've found that the mind is a complex,
dynamic thing, and without proper calibration, it can go into bad loops, like
a broken record. You're experiencing some of those bad loops now. Your mind
needs recalibration. "Doing" is that recalibration. You can't think your way
back to the straight and level. You need experience with new things. Don't
fear, don't think, just do. Constant effort, being too busy for fear or
introspection, is the proper environment for a correcting mind. At least, it
works for me.

------
eflowers
This may seem cheesy, but damn. It's 4 minutes long, watch it. You think you
are more convinced that things can't get any better than this guy was?

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=q...](http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=qX9FSZJu448)

------
zemanel
As someone on his 32's who deals with a mix of feelings similar to those
everyday, internal and external factors apart, and still has to get up, get
work done for fun an bills, that has consulted specialists because not feeling
well mentally is as "normal" as getting a cold and seeing a physical doctor,
what mostly works for me is the growing realization that:

* i am only being me and the combination of my weaknesses and strengths is what makes me unique.

* just because i _may_ not ever be a top performer / achiever, does not mean that i cannot contribute in a very helpful way to many things and people around me, and i have.

Many things are built, or helped built, by people that don't "make headlines".
When one accepts that, life in these circunstancies get's a little bit easier
to manage.

edit: minor rewording.

------
pyalot2
I have, intensely. Yet I came to believe that the root cause (the external
situation, real, perceived or otherwise) and the emotional reaction to it
(self-doubt, depression, sense of failure) do not need to be intimately
connected.

In other words, your emotional health is not contingent upon your external
circumstances to a large degree. To wit, a lot of very distinguished persons
(as well as celebrities) battle very hard with the exact same feelings that
you have. A lot of people in circumstances you might consider worse than yours
(oh just watch a couple episodes of dirty jobs on discovery channel) are quite
happy. Of course the reverse applies as well, but you can see how in the
larger scheme of things, external circumstances do not dictate your emotions.

------
takshak
I may or may not have direct experience with this but I can comment on this
part: "I would be in competition with others who've been practicing their
trade for many years. It feels as if it's too late." You will be pleasantly
surprised how motivated learning of one month triumphs over years of
experience of people who are just getting along with the job. If you have
passion for any skill then you are already ahead of most people. So " Efforts
taken at this point to turn things around would be futile" is wrong unless its
half-hearted effort. I don't know about going back to school but I can
definitely say: Full-hearted "efforts taken at this point" not be futile "for
picking up a new skill" unless the skill is physically demanding.

------
jpasden
I think there are only two ways to deal with regret: (1) accept that you can't
change the past, and (2) make sure that you learned something from your
mistake(s).

Not learning from your mistakes at all and continuing to suffer from them is
enough to depress anyone. So if you haven't yet learned what to take away from
your experience that will help you in the future, concentrate on that.

Also, early 30's is NOT too late to start over, in almost any field. You just
have to find something that you're passionate about, and yes, you do have a
lot of catching up to do. There are a number of success stories out there that
start that late in life. Read about them. In some cases, experience gained
from early failures even make for bigger successes down the road.

------
thiagoperes
1st - Change your username. 2nd - I'm positive that If you don't change your
mind, the thing you'll regret the most in the coming years will be the way
you're thinking right now.

There's still a lot that can be done. Lots of people succeeded after their
30's.

Hugh Hefner started at 26: <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hugh_Hefner>

2 videos for you: \- 8 characteristics every sucessfull person has (based on a
study) <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6bbMQXQ180> \- Steve Jobs on Life
<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYfNvmF0Bqw>

------
iuguy
Can you change the past? No.

Can you change the future? Yes.

I think you're placing a lot of importance on things that don't matter.
There's only one real thing you can achieve in life, which is to enjoy it.
Anything else is secondary.

Comparing yourself to the best parts of others will always fail as you're more
aware of your own failings than theirs. Life isn't a competition.

As for being convinced things cannot get better, try changing the things you
can and see if elements of your life improve.

I do think that you might get better results talking about it with close
friends or a professional rather than random people on the Internet, but
focusing on your regret stops you from moving on, which is why it's important
that you don't.

~~~
ernst
You can not change the future. You can only be in the Now. Eckhart Tolle -
Power of Now.

------
epicjunction
Advice from Paul Graham:

Don't regret your 20s: you were not ready for commitment: This was my reason
for not starting a startup for most of my twenties. Like a lot of people that
age, I valued freedom most of all. I was reluctant to do anything that
required a commitment of more than a few months. Nor would I have wanted to do
anything that completely took over my life the way a startup does. And that's
fine. If you want to spend your time travelling around, or playing in a band,
or whatever, that's a perfectly legitimate reason not to start a company.

Source: <http://www.paulgraham.com/notnot.html>

------
biswajitsharma
I do not think there is anyone in the world who does not have regrets and have
not committed mistakes in life. Best part is, mistakes are best teachers of
life. You are in early 30s, let's say average lifespan of a person is 70
years. So big question is will you let go of your coming 40 years for the lost
30 years? (and i am sure, you have not lost all of your last 30 years, there
probably are more positives than negatives if you take a deeper look). Theory
2 - (as said by Peter Norvig) it takes 10 years to be really good at
something.

Which means you have 4 things that you can be really good at in your coming
life. So my friend go claim those.

------
kamphey
Think of 10 things that you would NEVER EVER in a million years actually do.
Do one a year for the next 10 years.

Usually the thing you think can never be done or won't ever happen is exactly
the thing that you will do.

The way to break the thought cycle is to step out of it. Take action. Just an
attempt will cause enough chaotic energy that something will happen.

I tried to go a whole year by saying YES! to everything.. even if it meant to
lie, to fake, to break someone's heart. (I know you might think Yes Man, the
book or the movie, but honestly it's true and it really helps)

We respect people for their attempts and subsequent failures sometimes more
than their successes.

------
ollysb
The world bears on you, expectation, floundered. But with it awareness, have
you learnt nothing? I have your age but not your regrets. Regret is the belief
that you have no opportunity to correct your decisions, this is almost never
correct. There are many paths to any goal, and goals are never as clear as you
suspect. Choose your destination and live in the fog, if you want to you will
find a way.

Most people find competition, but what are you winning? Do you want the prize
or the step ahead? What were you aiming for anyway? Do you really want it or
is it simply the most obvious thing to do?

------
kamme
Well, you always have time to change. Thinking you can't gets you into a
negative spiral downwards, and to be honest is also false. When I was starting
to run I talked with a 55year old guy who ran a marathon once a year about it
being difficult for me to start since I didn't have any experience. He
casually told me it was hard for him too when he started 5years ago. He never
did any sports prior and had to start from scratch at 50... I realize now 'not
being able to' is actually 99% of the time all in your head. Just find a way
to start easy and keep going...

------
JohnHaugeland
> Early 30's and experience debilitating regret on a daily basis

Eventually you'll realize that regret takes time, and that that time could be
better spent doing the things you wish you already had.

Think it hurts that you didn't do anything as a child? Wait'll you realize
that as a young adult you just stared at the wall thinking about your
childhood.

There's nothing you can do about the past. There _is_ something you can do
about the present.

Crack open the compiler and make today the day things changed. That way, five
years from now, when you're looking back, there'll be that line where it turns
into pride.

------
dutchbrit
Stop regretting and do something about it. You can sob and feel sorry for
yourself, or you can get your act together and sort out your life. It's never
too late to change, if you are passionate about something, you shouldn't have
any major issues excelling in that field. You don't need a great education.
Pick up some books. Things can always get better, but that usually takes
action on your own behalf. Good luck, and hope my comment doesn't come over
harshly. Think forward, take a break, and put everything into perspective.

------
funkwyrm
Aside from the great general advice you are getting here:

You can always go back to school or learn a new trade. The only thing
preventing you is "being in competition" (your words) with people who have
more experience.

Don't compare yourself to people who have more experience. For example, if I
were to pick up Computer Science today (late 30s) I would be happy to compare
myself to 20-somethings who have a similar level of experience.

Of course, I have more life experience, hence other skills and perspective,
and that is enough for me.

~~~
JohnBooty
"You can always go back to school or learn a new trade"

Whoa, isn't that a little flip? Depending on one's life situation, it can be
impossible to do those things. They require time and money, two things people
may not always have - particularly if one has children, a mortgage, etc.

------
haigo
[http://zenpencils.com/comic/89-stephen-fry-ultimate-self-
hel...](http://zenpencils.com/comic/89-stephen-fry-ultimate-self-help-book/)

------
dylanhassinger
[http://www.jamesaltucher.com/2011/09/20-ways-to-deal-with-
re...](http://www.jamesaltucher.com/2011/09/20-ways-to-deal-with-regrets/)

------
brudgers
_"Do any of you have any experience with this?"_

Yes.

But I've been through it before. I see the value in what I do have. I see the
changes in my life since I was forty. Since I was thirty. Since I was twenty.
Since I was ten.

Last year I realized that I missed my chance to sport a mohawk. I won't star
in a porno with cougars. I'll never be a FIFA referee. These are my missed
opportunities.

Otherwise I've got forty years of creative life in front of me and no excuses.

------
orbnam
One great way to fix and feel better is to get out in the sun on a beach or
somewhere open and absorb a lot of vitamin D. This is obviously not medical
advice, but if I were you and if the mood swings were not too strong
(agonizing) then I'd see the sun at least 20 minutes every day. That, and a
lot more focus on the work that I want to do from now, a life that I want to
lead from here on.

------
mbesto
I've been there. A lot of people have. These stories are a constant reminder
of that:

<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45mMioJ5szc>

<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDnrLv6z-mM>

<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/This_too_shall_pass>

------
tcbawo
Your life improve substantially, given focus and clarity. Most people make a
mixture of good, fair, and horrible decisions every day. If you go from a 50%
hit rate to 75%, it can make a huge impact in your life. I look at it like
"pot odds" in the poker game of life. Don't dwell on your previous lost hands,
focus on maximizing the opportunities you are given.

------
gprasanth
I think there is no point in regretting. Regret can only lead to more regret
in future if you don't concentrate more on the present.

“Whatever happened, happened for the good; whatever is happening, is happening
for the good; whatever will happen, will also happen for the good only. You
need not have any regrets for the past. You need not worry for the future.”

[this one is from Bhagawad Gita]

------
INTPenis
I regret over tiny things, words said, actions taken in seemingly
insignificant situations, sometimes years ago!

It's hard but mantras have been my solution. I just literally shake myself out
of it. I can't avoid the feeling, I can't dodge the actual regret, but I can
instantly shake it off and go on with my life.

I don't think it's optimal, but it's the best I can do. Try to stay positive.

------
ctdonath
You did what you did in good faith to yourself.

Circumstances beyond your control were beyond your control.

Assess your position as a matter of fact, and proceed forward in good faith
and honest intent as circumstances allow.

Early 30s is just getting started. I didn't have a sense of having a good grip
on life until 40.

Do what needs to be done.

Take care of your own square foot.

Stop looking backwards.

If you need professional help, get it.

~~~
ctdonath
Spend some serious time at <http://artofmanliness.com> . Read the Bible too.

~~~
mcantelon
"The Tin Drum" too.

------
carl_
There's lots of good comments above, I don't have a lot to add beyond stick in
there and for some reason this song and it's lyrics worked for me in similar
circumstances:
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bioYs6oAD8g&t=1m55s](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bioYs6oAD8g&t=1m55s)

------
polskibus
Do what the politicians do: take credit for successes, blame failures on
others/environment. Jokes aside, read Fooled by randomness (or another book
treating about randomness in everyday life), perhaps you'll find something
there that will lessen your focus on yourself.

------
scorpion032
If you are happy where you are right now (one has to be always, because the
possibilities are endless); and if where you are right now is a sum total of
everything that has ever been before (which it is); then how can you ever
regret anything that happened ever before?

------
j45
My belief: Whatever my mind got me into, it could get me out of.

My experience: It was up to me to learn how, and it's possible.

My realization: You get more of what you put your attention / energy into, be
it worries, or possibilities.

There is a reality that can't be babbled around, or slippery/tricky
rationalized around.

These are what I've found to be general truths. Not mine, or anyone's, but
laws that only seem to get harder, truer and stronger the more I test them and
try to break them.

Nothing exists but right now. The past is done, the future doesn't exist. The
past is a perception. The future is a hallucination. What is possible tomorrow
only depends on what you do now.

It's not about the destination, or the journey, but cultivating always, your
mindset for any journey. The destinations are just postcards along the way.

Regret/Bitterness is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to
die.

Worrying is like praying for what you don't want to happen.

Do not feed the monsters of negativity, they don't do anything.

What you regret is standing still. So move. The world isn't passing you by,
you just aren't moving.

Inaction and analysis paralysis is only defeated by action. Thinking doesn't
solve many problems worth solving. Doing and figuring it out as you go does.
No one figures out their life before they start, are you sure you aren't doing
that?

Having a victim's mentality dis-empowers.

Building a mindset of responsibility empowers.

Empowerment is to learn that leadership isn't about leading others, or
following someone, but learning to lead yourself, one thing at a time, and
those things coming together over the long run.

You're not alone. You're not the first to think of fell what you do. You're
not the last. As soon as you can understand this, you can get over your
barriers, and over yourself to get on to something better. There is no higher
action than right action in the present.

You first have to start by learning to be a friend to yourself and developing
and maintaining some healthy and positive inner dialogue. Through that one is
able to face and get through most things based on the fact that "I can stumble
my way through this if I let myself figure it out".

Instead of worshiping doubts and the insurmountably of them, dare to live and
live in possibility. Innovation, creation, and change for the better exists in
cultivating a mindset of possibility.

Thinking isn't doing. Feeling isn't doing. Acting is doing. The only people
who are busy looking at others are the ones who aren't busy doing and learning
positively from it.

If the above doesn't reveal to you that you aren't alone, and there isn't a
way to get through it, I'll leave you with this: Nothing is unique. Not you,
or any problems. There is little issue or perspective that hasn't been thought
or explored or agonized over before.

Instead of spiraling downward in a self-loathing cycle of reflection, get some
new input to reflect on. Input and reflection go hand in hand to get the
epiphanies that help you see things for the better.

For me, the sentences above aren't lines. They're all anchors and keywords
tied to lessons learnt alone, without a soul to talk to sometimes, and great
support in others. They are my statement of progress and what I still have to
look forward to. It's taught me the only real thing I know for sure about life
is to learn the most I can about myself to be the best I can.

I am the startup, and how well I develop myself will determine how well
anything I work on develops.

Feel free to keep in touch. These are the kinds of conversations I live for,
we don't spend enough time working on our insides, and do nothing but distract
ourselves from it until we can't bear to anymore.

Most importantly, get moving, keep moving. Inward, onward, upward. You are in
the drivers seat.

------
Denzel
Early 30s? Let me tell you, it most certainly IS NOT too late to go back to
school if you want to. My mother is mid 50s and planning on going back to
school for accounting. She's always liked accounting, and wants to pursue it
after she retires.

Life isn't over until it's over.

------
jjacobson
How did you feel two years ago? Two years from now you could be in a very
different place.

------
z0a
The only advice I could give is to simply forget about the past and look to
the future. Honestly, early 30's is not late. Just keep moving forward.
Remember, you can't change your past, but you can change your future.

------
marmot1101
I have a lot of experience with this. I'm just pulling through the other side
of this regret.

I am in my early 30's as well. I opted to work right out of high school and
take 10 years getting my 2 year degree. I worked for a very long time with a
decent employer, and I built up great skills along the way.

In the past couple of years though things started getting bleak. I was hitting
the boundaries of what this employer could offer, and I could even say that it
was a bit of an abusive work relationship(probably mutually). My mood started
getting foul. People who I was good friends with I was having trouble getting
along with. I was drinking a lot to smooth things over. My family life
suffered. Things were a mess.

One day I just had enough and got into counseling. I took control. I changed
jobs, and stepped away from friends for a while and worked on family. I
doubled down on education(I had started on my bachelors a while back, but I
recommitted). Things got a bit better.

Then things went down a bit again. I started reading more HN and r/programming
to build up my professional chops. I started feeling inadequate. I felt like
this new job I had wasn't cool or startuppy enough. Doubt crept back in.

So I had conversations with a lot of people. There was a guy on HN that was
taking stories and giving advice. He helped me a bit. I have a pen pal kind of
friend who has had cool experiences. He helped me a lot also. I talked to
family and friends of all stripes about my concerns. Basically everyone had
the same thing to say, that I was living a good life. That the kind of things
I felt I should be doing have their tradeoffs as well. That I should focus on
what I am doing instead of always looking for major improvements.

And then I came to the realization that I was trying to live up to someone
else's yard stick. It took me 10 years to get an associates degree because I
was raising a family. I lost my startup because I didn't want to spend my
entire life at a keyboard. I was beating myself up about my job because I was
trying to measure my career as an engineer against that of the internet's best
and brightest entrepreneurs. I was trying too hard.

So take it easy on yourself man. I am sure that you have some pretty awesome
stuff going on in your life. Take time to appreciate the things you enjoy.
Discard things that don't work for you anymore. Put down HN for a while if you
it is making you feel like you aren't doing enough(I had to for a while). Make
a change if it is smart for you to do so, and don't beat yourself if it isn't
the right time. But above all else, just cut yourself some slack.

------
mindcrime
I think everybody deals with some of these feelings from time to time, but -
for me - it comes down to simply choosing not to indulge in regret. It's a
wasted emotion to me, as it does nothing to make anything better, and there's
nothing I can do about what's in the past. Somewhere, somehow, over the years,
I've adopted something of a stoic mindset (even before I knew what stoicism
_was_ ) and my outlook is just kinda rooted in that.

I also, for whatever reason, am much higher in terms of self-efficacy than
self-esteem, and my self-efficacy is such that I pretty much always believe
that tomorrow can be better than today, because I see no reason to believe
there is any limit to what I can still accomplish.

That said, it gets tougher sometimes. I'll turn 40 this year, and I was just
diagnosed with diabetes a few months ago, and my doctor is now investigating
the possibility that I may have something called Cushing's Syndrome. Uuugh, ya
know?

But when I start feeling deflated, I usually just put some metal on and jam
out... Here, try this:

<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=354MU3l-25M>

<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMorZnGxhv4>

<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3MXiTeH_Pg>

I also keep reminding myself of that scene near the end of
_Matrix:Revolutions_ where Agent Smith is asking Neo "Why, Mr. Anderson, why
do you keep getting back up? You know you can't win. Why, Mr. Anderson"? and
Neo is like "Because. I. Choose. To." Sends chills down my spine even now and
reminds me that we get to choose (for the sake of argument, let's say I
believe in free will). So I can't control what happened in the past, but I can
damn sure choose to influence what happens in the future.

 _I am objectively in a place I am not happy with, but am convinced things
cannot get any better. You may say that I'm not speaking rationally, but
reality can validate every one of my worries and regrets. I don't think I am
exaggerating or fabricating anything, rather I am reflecting on what has
happened and observing patterns, or so I think I am._

 _Do any of you have any experience with this?_

Yeah, it's called depression. Somebody below mentioned CBT (Cognitive
Behavioral Therapy), and from what I've seen/heard, I second the motion to
find a pro to talk to about that. But in the short term, you can try some
basic CBT like stuff on yourself. Check your inner dialog and when you find
negative thoughts in you mind like "Things can NOT get any better", stop and
ask yourself "is that _really_ , _really_ , absolutely true?" Force yourself
to look for an "existence proof" of even ONE small counter-example that
disproves the thesis that "things can NOT get any better." Once you find that
counter-example (and I'm pretty sure you can) then you have to force your
inner dialog along the lines of "OK, now I see that it's not true that things
can't get any better. So what other ways CAN things get better?" and "what
steps can I take to move things towards a better state?", etc.

You can also try going meta and ask yourself "OK, I just thought this really
negative thought. Why? What prompted me to think that? And is whatever it was
really _that_ significant? Can I just stop thinking about $WHATEVER?" etc.
It's amazing how much you can change your mood and emotions by just
consciously thinking about your inner dialog.

Anyway, I'm not expert or professional, so by all means, seek professional
help if you find the negativity persisting and if it's affecting your day to
day life in a bad way.

------
orangethirty
If you feel like talking be sure to email me (in profile). I will listen. I'm
not a doctor or anything. Just being friendly.

------
thewarrior
My two cents : You cannot love anyone or anything else fully without loving
yourself first .

------
dear
Look forward! Think yourself as a fresh new guy to this world. Start over
again!

------
thesuperbigfrog
Stop it: <http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ow0lr63y4Mw>

You cannot change the past, so do not trouble yourself with what is past. Look
forward and plan where you want to go from where you are. Use what you have
and keep on keeping on.

------
regret-me-not
Yes, I do have some experience with this.

At the age of 33 I thought that my life was a complete mistake. The evidence
was clear: despite a start as a brilliant child prodigy, I had history of
depression and self-isolation. I didn't got to a great university, just a
glorified community college. In the doldrums of 2003-4 I was applying for work
slinging PHP at local used car websites and not even getting those jobs.

I was sick of trying. So I decided to just... give up, and see what happened.

I had this feeling that regular society wasn't for me - that all I could do
was to be a homeless drifter. So I gave up looking for work, and just waited
for my rent and other expenses to deplete the last few hundred dollars.

So then I had nothing to do. No obligations. No jobs to apply for. No need to
compete with my ex-colleagues.

With nothing better to do I decided to hack on a few things that amused me.
We're talking tiny little scripts here, in weird, obscure areas. And then I
posted them online. And then, they got some attention, for being weird and
different. And then my phone was ringing with calls from recruiters. And a few
months after my plan to become a homeless person was set in motion, I was
filling out my orientation forms at a campus in Silicon Valley.

You may be discounting my story as a fluke. And I got super lucky. But you can
also see how flawed my thinking was. And maybe your thinking is similarly
flawed.

I thought I had nothing to offer, and yet I was a reasonably well-educated
person, with a great deal of knowledge, and a certain measure of creativity
and even passion for certain topics. And I bet you're the same way. If you're
on Hacker News you probably know something about _something_. Are you sure you
aren't blocking yourself?

The reason we get blocked is that we compare ourselves to others. Google
"growth mindset" versus "fixed mindset". Too many of us are taught "fixed
mindset" - you are smarter, therefore you are better. If you are sucking at
something, it's because you are inferior. This is such a painful conclusion,
you start to numb down your emotions to deal with it. Which is why your brain
probably feels fogged, and why it's doubly hard to climb out of this state.

Your post is _dripping_ with fixed-mindset thinking. According to you,
learning new skills is impossible, or will take too long, or isn't worth it.
Why? You aren't saying that you can't learn this stuff. You aren't saying you
can't have a good career. You're saying it's not worth it _because others will
be further along._ Think about this. It is not rational. You will have
_nothing_ if you don't learn new skills (or at least change what you're
doing).

Furthermore, in today's market, it is not a matter of being the best in one
thing. It's about finding your unique niche. By utter luck, I stumbled into
doing that for myself. I'm not the best in X or Y or Z but I am among the
best, or at least employable, in people who do X+Y+Z.

My motivation was despair, which freed me from having to compete, and let my
natural inclinations take over. But on the whole, rather than despair, I
recommend joy. ;) Looking for what's _fun_ will put you on a better path.
You'll home right in on what you're supposed to be doing. I guarantee it.

It will be hard to get to that space. You are depressed and have accumulated
bad habits from a lifetime of fixed-mindset thinking. And this is fucking with
your rationality, no matter what it seems. One way to fix your thinking is
cognitive-behavioral therapy. See if you can find a professional in your area.

------
svdad
> Do any of you have any experience with this?

Um, YEAH. And just started seeing a counsellor about it. I don't think there's
anything wrong with me (or you) but I want someone to talk to about it.

I disagree with "Efforts taken at this point to turn things around would be
futile." I'm living proof. I bounced from job to job for 10 years, then lost a
job in finance in 2007 at 33, went back to school, got out in 2010 at 35 and
now have a job as a software engineer. Yeah, I'm competing with young turks
10-15 years younger than me. Yeah, sometimes they're better... but a lot of
the time they aren't. It turns out I actually did learn a few things bouncing
from one job to another, and people do see that.

Is it the best job I could have at this point in my life, am I as rich as I
could be, as if I had done everything "right"? NO. I threw away a bunch of
fucking brilliant opportunities earlier in my career. But is it a good job
that will give me a platform to build a satisfying career in the next 20
years? Absolutely.

The really hard thing for me at this point is figuring out where I really do
want to go. In my case, a lot of the bad decisions were to do with "grass is
greener" feelings -- I'd see one job that looked cooler than my current job,
go out and get it, then decide it wasn't that cool and bounce to another one.
So now that I've finally recognized that, where the fuck DO I want to go now,
and how do I figure that out?

I think that's really important. Calling it "finding your passion" is
bullshit, though, because it's not really about passion -- it's about making a
sensible decision, taking everything into account including financial
situation, family responsibilities, and the realities of various careers, as
well as, yes, what you like to do. I'd love to be an astronaut, always wanted
to, but -- life sucks -- it ain't gonna happen now. Not that it is 100%
impossible, but I'm not willing to make the sacrifices it would entail. But
there are great, exciting, satisfying things I can still do.

Another thing that's hard is making sense of the past while still keeping my
focus on looking ahead to the future. That's what I'm trying to do now. I
don't want to keep repeating broken patterns, so I feel like I need to think
about what I've done in the past and understand it, to some extent, so I can
see what I did wrong and how I can make sure not to do the same thing again. I
think I've identified some of those things, but that's the main reason I'm
seeing the counsellor -- I want to talk out my analyses of my past decisions
and try to understand them and use my "lessons learned" for the future. I
don't think completely ignoring everything that has gone before is right -- I
did that for a long time and ended up making just the same mistakes 10 years
later. But obsessing about the past is (obviously) not helpful either. It's a
hard balance to strike.

So, you aren't alone. Very much not alone, I think. Hope you're able to make
some sense of things. You can ALWAYS turn things around.

------
hashtree
Start doing. Not meant as snarky. Decide what you want and get after it.

------
regretting2
Wow. Hello me?

I've been dealing with a lot of the same issues and regretting my past and
hating myself for the decisions I've made.

Recently I've been working on realizing that my self-worth is not based on
anything I've done. My/your self-worth is entirely based on my/your confidence
in myself/yourself that I/you can do whatever we put ourselves too. No
arguments! No debate based upon what has happened in the past! None of that!

Now, I know that is much easier said than done. Trust me, I know.

For what it's worth, I would get very anxious about working on anything either
because I would be afraid of failing, being judged, or just because I haven't
been able to do it in the past. This caused me to get very depressed, in the
medical sense of the word, I've been seeing a psychologist for a little over a
year now. My doctor recommended a book, "The Now Habit" which helped me learn
how to schedule better and gave me a little insight into, what had become,
habitual anxiety and procrastination. Combined with monthly talk sessions I've
been able to remove a lot of the anxious and depressed feelings, which allows
me to focus on my view of myself.

Eventually, after I almost lost my job and my grandmother died, he put me on a
low-dose SSRI. It has helped immensely. It hasn't affected the highs in life,
but it dampens the lows.

(I only started seeing a doctor after I saw how my depression was affecting
my, the girlfriend, now wife. Not after it ruined a company I was starting and
my college education. I wish I had gone earlier, but I was convinced that it
was something I could solve on my own.)

This has, honestly, been the hardest part. I've struggled with the anxiety for
a while. Recently, however, I found that reading is a way for me to relax. I
used to try Hacker News or Reddit, but neither of those felt fulfilling. I
would try programming and felt bad that I would work on a project that isn't
important. Then I started reading again.

Reading has allowed me to settle down internally and then I can sit and do
what I was anxious about. It may help that the first book I've pulled out is
"Failure Is Not an Option: Mission Control From Mercury to Apollo 13 and
Beyond" by Gene Kranz. It covers the history of the space program, a subject
that really interests me, but has also been a rallying cry for me. Mr. Kranz
talks about the successes and failures of the early program, and how they
moved forward after a setback.

My rallying cry has been "Tough and Competent," from the Kranz Dictum after
the Apollo 1 fire (excerpt to follow):

"From this day forward, Flight Control will be known by two words: 'Tough and
Competent.’

Tough means we are forever accountable for what we do and what we fail to do.
We will never again compromise our responsibilities. Every time we walk into
Mission Control we will know what we stand for.

Competent means we will never take anything for granted. We will never be
found short in our knowledge and in our skills. Mission Control will be
perfect."

"Tough and Competent" reminds me that it is possible to move forward and
become better than what you were without forgetting what has happened or
sweeping it under the rug.

From there I've started working on some of Pratchet's Discworld series again.
I only note this because it doesn't all have to motivational books, but I
think I lucked out picking that one first.

------
braveheart1723
Same - I've felt like that for the last 4 years, a few big events shocking
yourself into a self reality that you're not really where you want to be, and
every day you think about it and it fucking hurts... I have no advice cause I
still haven't gotten out.

It was fine when you were younger and you said to yourself that one day it'll
work out... cause it always does. Whether it's the gold medal, job, girl,
song, music career, as long as it was in the future, that gives you a little
comfort in thinking, well I'm not there now, but maybe later. There's a point
where you realize... you're never getting there.

That fuckin hurts.

All i know is the pain usually comes from that gap, the gap between where you
are, and where you want to be, and how you see NO way to get to it. All those
fallacies of 'work hard, apply yourself' aren't working, they've worked in
other areas of your life but there's just things you've lost that you'll never
reach again, completely out of your control. Whether it's because of your
race, your starting circumstances, a disability, your genes, your parents,
your timing, whatever it's out of your control.

All I can say this is a lot more common than you think.

I'm guessing you're in Tech as this is hackernews, stop for a moment and have
a look at fighters and athletes.

They suffer from exactly the same thing and on top of that their stretch is
usually never more than 4 or 5 years... There's a moment in their career where
no matter how many hours they put in the gym, on the bike, on the road, in the
pool, they'll never be at the top, never, they start drinking... and it's game
over.

<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjvzJO-6ESc>

Rickson Gracie is an absolute legend... he has a couple of quotes in there,
about really wanting the win, after so much training, effort, and dedication,
while at the same time, not really wanting it. It's a strange paradox. He's
closed one chapter of his life and moved on to something else

"I don’t think about competing, I’ve competed my whole life. Why would I want
to compete anymore? So that’s out of the question. The fans are the ones who
just don’t understand, and the fans who would like to see me fight, are just
going to have to live with it. Unfortunately, that’s the way it is. I don’t
live and I’ve never lived by someone else’s expectations. I never fought for
the fans. I always fought to honor my Jiu-Jitsu and my family. Now there are
others to do that. Competition is over, it’s behind me now. I don’t want to
move forward thinking about competing. I want to go forward thinking of
supporting society, setting a good example for kids, teaching children to
become better people, not hitting machines, as there is in MMA today. I am the
philosophy of Jiu-Jitsu, the philosophy of good relationships between dads and
sons, between respect, discipline, and honor… All these things that have made
me what I am and have really stood out in my life. No longer a victory or a
possible defeat. I think I can live without the money I could make. But I
can’t live knowing that because of the money I got in there and lost. I’d be
fighting for the money and that in itself brings a loss to me. I never fought
for money. So, I’m not going to start now"

He looks kinda happy... who the fuck knows...

\---

Artists are the same, if you're not deluded, you'll never be Raphael or
Vermeer, never, and you have to deal with that every day. I guess the trick is
about turning that gap into ambition and something creative, using it to drive
you forwards into something constructive.

Like you say the rational part of you kicks in after a week or two when you
realize those steps you're taking aren't really getting you there.

Good luck !

------
shad0wfax
Wow, I feel similar and I am in my early 30s as well. I have taken some steps
to change though.

But, let me interpret it a bit differently from what others are making it here
from what I have personally experienced (I felt the same until about a year
ago): "I don't think you are depressed. You just fear failure and are not very
happy leaving a comfort zone. You are just not willing to let your guard down
and fall on your face (letting go of a status/lifestyle). You are obviously
smart and it hurts that with your abilities you have ended up in a way that
doesn't make you proud."

This is purely my observation, based on what I felt, and I might be completely
off the mark in your case. I still feel compelled to tell you though. So here
is a bit of my story:

I had worked almost a decade in technology that amounted to nothing. I din't
put the effort required to do a Masters (would have been easy for me), and I
still regret that I din't take a shot at pursuing a Phd.

I desperately wanted to change the status quo, and decided to do the most
stupid thing that most would recommend - "do a startup". Needless to say that
startup failed, but if there is one thing I can say is that I have been the
"happiest" in my life in the last decade. Now, not that I don't still have
those sinking doubts about my abilities, but they don't recur as often and I
am extremely optimistic on some of the things I am pursuing. But, here are
some key takeaways that I have (and I hope you can maybe relate to it) -

1)"Set yourself up" - I had to set myself up. Taking the plunge - leaving the
comfort zone, a well paying job, moving out of the country (immigrant here)
etc, was never easy. I have an amazing wife, who has stood by me and
constantly pushed me to take this plunge. She is now the sole bread winner
(but was still studying when I took the risk), but she convinced me that it
was worth it. I moderated my lifestyle about 4 years ago and started saving
for this as well as some money for my wife's masters. It helps to plan, so
please consider finding your "minimal footprint" required.

2)"Think longterm" - The problem with most is that we need immediate tangible
results. If I am putting 6 months into something I need to see monetary
results. I think letting go of that to some extent might make it easier to
change. Obviously I lived a fairly frugal lifestyle without paychecks. The
advantage of still being 30 and having a simple life is that you have at least
another 30 rewarding years :). Thats how I look at it. So think how you can
make your next or so years awesome.

3) "Own a dream" - Ok, sounds cliched. The problem I had was that I was not
able to make up my mind for a long time what I wanted to do. Taking the plunge
- "my first risk", changed everything. It sort of really opened the door to
many other ideas and what distilled from it is a clear goal. I now will pursue
my entrepreneurial dream for couple more years. See #1 for setting yourself up
for this. In the field I am interested in, I have really very limited
expertise. I am building it each day. I used to feel overwhelmed looking at
how much there is t know and the really smart people already there, but I have
learnt to tune out of this. I am trying my best to chip a little away each
day. I try building stuff at home to see if I am learning something new. It
sure feels effort wasted at times, but I think it makes me more confident.
Maybe its my bias, but I think focus and hardwork sure helps someone like me
who hasn't got the chops already.

Its been more than year since I made these changes and I have a failed startup
to show, but I am already working on another one. In the grand scheme of
things it can be construed as a "waste" but I have stopped listening to that
thought or others who say it :). Hope this can help.

~~~
JoeAltmaier
Sounds good. But the part about tangible results is off the mark. Do it for
yourself, and every minute is 'tangible results'. The journey vs the
destination etc.

~~~
shad0wfax
True, I don't advocate being completely blindsided about defining tangible
results. Though, it is useful to ignore it, when one wants to make a drastic
change. In my case (and perhaps OP's case), to take the plunge. Once the
change has been made, I think it is important as you say. It takes a lot of
hard work to stay focused and something I am still learning.

------
epsylon
Lots of good advice was already given here, I'll just add my two cents.

> You may say that I'm not speaking rationally, but reality can validate every
> one of my worries and regrets.

If you're thinking rationally, then you should realize that regrets are
useless. Only the lesson that you can learn from the regret is valuable. All
this energy that you are wasting on regretting something is energy that could
have been poured into honing a craft. The most important thing perhaps, is to
optimize not for the arrival, but for the journey itself. Whatever your goal
is, do something little that will bring you closer to it, every day. But this
little something, you must enjoy. (Of course, if you feel like you can do more
than "little" and still enjoy it, do it !). If you enjoy programming but feel
like you don't know a lot about languages or some technology, then get started
on that language or that domain you don't know and that scares you (be it C++,
Haskell, AI, 3D...). Practice some of it everyday. It works for other domains
as well : eating healthier food, exercising and practicing sports, practicing
a musical instrument. The 10 year rule is really scary but don't forget that
with every year of practice, you'll feel like you've learned a lot. It's not
some kind of hard threshold, where you learn with great pain for 10 years and
at the end, you get a flash of genius and you instantly become a master. It's
progressive, and it compounds.

Embrace the mistakes. Mistakes are part of how we, humans, learn. I can
definitely relate to your feeling, because I have had a lot of regrets
concerning my life choices as well. I realized a few things about it : I would
have done some of these mistakes at a later point in my life most probably,
and making them earlier taught me a lesson earlier. Some other stupid mistakes
were due to character flaws of mine, and eventually I realized that I should
strive to change these flaws as well. It's not easy, but I'll give it a try.
Anyway, there is no point on dwelling on the past. If you'd like to be at a
better place, start moving towards it, it doesn't matter if it's 100km away
and your first steps are only 1cm. The steps will be exponentially longer with
time — and maybe you'll realize your goal is not where you envisioned it at
first, but it doesn't matter because it's easy to change your goals once you
have gained momentum. As humans, it is also a natural tendancy (and imho a
good thing) to always keep your goals challenging. For example, as an amateur
guitarist, over the years I have come to discover that there are always more
challenging pieces of music to play, and more extremely talented guitarists
whose mastery I would yearn for. But I still enjoy playing at my modest level.

You are in your early 30's which is still very, very young. (My taekwondo
teacher, now a 4th dan black belt, started taekwondo in his late 20's. He is
_very_ impressive, and looks 10 year younger than he is.)

------
monsterix
One great way to fix and feel better is to get out in the sun on a beach or
somewhere open and absorb a lot of vitamin D.

This is obviously not medical advice, but if I were you and if the mood swings
were not too strong (agonizing) then I'd see the sun at least 20 minutes every
day. That, and a lot more focus on the work that I want to do from now, a life
that I want to lead from here on.

------
Evbn
You aren't dead. You have more wealth than the median if not 90 percentile
human, in the most peaceful and wealthy and entertainment rich era in world
history. Don't create a world where only number 1 gets to be happy. Enjoy the
companionship of normal people, don't obsess over the richest, smartest people
you know, appreciate that everyone has something to offer and just be
productive at something and lend a hand to a friend or stranger and enjoy the
view.

Beyond basic health and safety, you get to choose the rules of the game of
your life. Making contest to make the most money or be the championship is the
stupidest game to play. Collaboration beats competition.

------
thoughtcriminal
You're in your early thirties? Then your just getting started my friend. Most
people (including me) didn't get my act together and start doing good stuff
until I was in my thirties.

Personally, I got going late because my parents taught me very little in my
childhood. They were poor and dumb. I'm not saying that to be mean or
disrespectful, and I do love them, but they did not have their act together,
so to speak.

So, take all this worry and negativity and use this energy (because that's all
it is, energy) and channel it into work you want to do. Keep on iterating,
trying new things, being curious.

BTW, this may sound weird, but there is something you do better than anyone
else in the world. I firmly believe everyone over 30 does. Whatever that skill
or ability is for you, see if you can leverage it. Now is the time to mine
your strengths and exploit your uniqueness.

Okay, joyful work is ahead of you my friend. Get off HN and get busy.

~~~
mindcrime
_Get off HN and get busy._

That may be the best advice of all!

------
ahoyhere
Get the audiobook -- AUDIO BOOK -- of When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron.
It totally saved my regretful ass. The thing about regret is your natural
reaction is to run away from it, but _that only makes it worse_. And it makes
you feel like a coward. So whenever you think of something you regret,
whenever it pops into your mind, you start running, and that creates this
unbearable vicious cycle. This audiobook is the first major step to breaking
the cycle and eliminating regret.

This is always my go-to recommendation for friends who are hurting, and
without fail, if they listen to it and try it, they tell me it's been
transformative for them, too.

BTW, I had a LOT of things to regret (most of them a lot, lot worse than the
list you shared with us… not to trivialize yours, but I was reliving the ways
I'd hurt people badly and caused disasters that effected them 5, 10 years
before).

------
andyl
I think everyone has thoughts like these, more or less.

What worked for me: meditation. Right now I'm listening to series of training
sessions by a guy in redwood city - here are the recordings for the first
three weeks.

<http://www.audiodharma.org/talks/audio_player/3825.html>

<http://www.audiodharma.org/talks/audio_player/3844.html>

<http://www.audiodharma.org/talks/audio_player/3857.html>

This might not be your thing, but if come across something like this that is a
good fit for you, it can be great. Best is something that you physically do
from time to time, not just read/think about.

------
amerika
You're going to have to make your peace with it and move on.

Stay away from the psychologists; they never help, because it's not in their
business model.

Consider doing something different, if only because you may be totally
uninspired by the path you're forcing yourself to follow.

Remember, pounding square pegs into round holes is for Baby Boomers only.

