
Ask HN: How to learn social skills; is this the curse of being a hacker? - igammarays
I&#x27;m thankful that I had the opportunity to spend most of my teenage years learning web dev, programming and tinkering with technology, instead of catching up with fashion trends and doing other teenage shenanigans. Unfortunately I rarely ever went out, and the result is that I&#x27;ve entered my twenties and I don&#x27;t know how to carry a basic conversation.<p>I&#x27;m pretty sure it&#x27;s not a personal problem, as I&#x27;ve never been diagnosed with autism or the like, and I am a very professional communicator by email. It&#x27;s just that I struggle to respond to basic social cues, read people&#x27;s emotions, know what to say, and to talk loudly and clearly. The only exception is business, which I can generally handle decently. As soon as it becomes informal however, I become a train wreck of awkward, and am very conscious of it. I especially struggle with saying something without thinking; I need 5 seconds to think over my next sentence, and people give up on me.<p>I&#x27;ve heard Bill Gates can be pretty unapproachable; is there really something about being mathematically minded which makes us socially different? How does one learn basic social skills after &quot;growing up&quot;, has anyone done it?
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mandoescamilla
I just saw _Boyhood_ over the weekend (fantastic movie, btw), and there was a
scene in there that sums up my approach to socialization. The main character
is talking to his dad about how he kinda has a girlfriend but it's awkward
because when they're at school they've got a ton to talk about, but when
they're on the phone at home they're completely different.

The dad drops this little bit of thought-technology his way (and apologies for
the mangling of the quote):

"Here's what you do, alright? First off, you gotta ask her a lot of questions.
Then you have to listen to the answers, alright? Actually be INTERESTED in
her, alright? If you can do those things, you'll be LIGHT YEARS ahead of those
other guys."

Ask a lot of questions and be interested in the answers - that'll go a really
long way. Remember, everyone's got a story and I think everyone (in some way,
shape or form) wants to tell it.

Also, practice socializing. This stuff comes really naturally to some folks
and really NOT naturally to others. If you're in the latter camp, practice
like you'd practice anything else you want to get good at. One of the local
user groups I frequent has what it calls 'socialization practice' after each
meetup. It's just everyone heading to a pub and hanging out, but it's a pretty
good way to get to know people and practice some of these softer skills.

Best of luck - you can do it :).

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buggy-cyborg
I'm no Don Juan, but I have one tip: Don't ask "what" or "where" questions as
these can usually be answered in a single word or sentence. Ask why. "Why did
you move to Austin?" "Why did you become a vet?" "What" will give you a fact,
"Why" will give you understanding.

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scmoore
You may not have the time to do this, but I credit a lot of what social grace
I have to working a retail job during and after college. I wasn't much of a
partier in my teenage years either, but I can talk to a pretty broad range of
people, because for years my boss was whoever walked in the front door. Maybe
you could spend some time in a similar setting, even just an hour or two of
volunteering at some public-facing event. Registration booth for a marathon,
anything really. In that kind of scenario, it's like training wheels for
empathy: you already know, roughly, what the other party wants (to register
for the marathon), so it'll take that burden off and give you a chance to
study the minor details of body language, small talk, all that sort of fun
schmoozy stuff. And you can't really fail, as long as the runner gets her
number and cheap t-shirt.

In contrast, in a social setting, those sorts of hard-to-quantify details are
basically all that's going on, which I think makes it harder to focus. After
all why does anyone go to a party? Those motivations are really vague, and
maybe the people at the party don't even know what they are. Trying to
understand how that works is building on quicksand.

To try to answer some specifics: Bill Gates has a weird life, unlike most of
us. I've worked with other people who started successful companies straight
out of school, and they were unapproachable too, perhaps because they'd never
had a boss. They weren't good at math either. As far as enunciation, volume,
thinking of the next sentence: I think the suggestions to try Toastmasters
could be a great answer there.

So I guess my suggestion is: empathy is what makes people approachable, so
find an environment like sales or service, where empathy is tightly tied to
the goal, as a place to practice it. The books like Dale Carnegie definitely
help, but practice makes perfect.

Good luck!

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re_todd
What has helped me is just listening to other people have a conversation (at
work, in the supermarket, etc). Once I realized that many popular people
aren't usually saying anything very witty or enlightening, just talking about
trivial stuff, it took a lot of the pressure off feeling like I have to say
something remarkable all the time.

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sprkyco
Growing up I was fat, nerdy and loved video games. However, I was animated
enough to have a decent social life. I still cannot converse about normal
things as the majority of topics that the general public discusses are, in my
opinion, boring. Social interaction is important for any persons mental health
and sometimes physical health. It does seem that your post has an underlying
tone of not feeling normal in the sense of your current social interactions.
Many of the posters here recommend just going out etc. I would recommend
starting with going to places that one could reasonably assume like minded
individuals exist. Thus leading to my recommendations. meetup.com tons of
meetups for people interested in development, software etc. Hackerspaces are
great for talking about nerdy stuff as well. While your scope of interaction
will be limited in these contexts you will find that interacting with people
you have similarities with will often diverge into more normal topics like
movies, weather, and politics. Going to an environment where you can
reasonably assume there is others like you is a great "first step" out of
social awkwardness. My number one rule listen an order of magnitude more than
you talk.

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naomilvdv
I myself am more on the 'communications' side of the house, but recommend
simply going out and socialising. You'll pick things up (ie reading basic
social cues, emotions, etc) the fastest by putting yourself smack-bang in the
middle of a conversation or two.

This guy talks a bit about "Social Skills Hacks":
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1eOKwU0LLTE](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1eOKwU0LLTE)

Or, take a que from the people who do it best - talk show hosts!

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herah
I suggest volunteering. I'm quite social but I run a charity and I've noticed
a lot of volunteers that are generally shy or introverted become more relaxed
and pick up social skills over time as most conversations and interactions
with the group are centred around tasks. It's easier to talk and over time,
you get more used to trying out new things. Might not work for you but I would
definitely recommend that. Also, try that with a small charity rather than a
large one.

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leoplct
Read every 6 months:

\- How to win friends and Influencing people - Dale Carnegie

\- How to stop worring and start living - Dale Carnegie

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tsomctl
I also recommend "The Definitive Book of Body Language"

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palidanx
I'd recommend finding your local toastmasters and participating if there is a
chapter near you.

