
Meeting People - ziadbc
http://hangger.com/posts/meeting-people
======
mberning
I don't think I'm in the minority, but I'll come out and say it. I hate the
concept of 'meeting new people'. Not saying that I hate people or socializing,
I just hate the whole song and dance of exchanging pleasantries, feigning
interest, and proffering bits of information about myself, etc.

It's one of those things where you have to go out and press flesh with 100 or
200 people to find one person you REALLY click with. It's overwhelming to me
and I'm usually drained after chatting up 10 or 15 people.

On the other hand, I have had pretty good luck dropping in on local and
regional forums, chatting about topical stuff, building a rapport with people,
and then meeting them in person.

~~~
spodek
My social and communications skills weren't great when I started my first
company. As a science graduate student before that I didn't think they'd need
to be. Nor did I like acting like I did.

How much we enjoy something depends on our expectations of success. As you
improve your skills and experience success meeting people you enjoy it more.
You'll also get better jobs, have better meetings with VCs, etc.

Since I came to improving my communication and social skills later in life
through exercises, I shared a few of the most effective exercises on my blog
-- <http://joshuaspodek.com/communication-skills-exercises-6>.

They've become some of my most popular posts. This is just the type of crowd I
wrote them for.

------
wallflower
Speaking as someone who has been historically afraid to invite people, it's so
true. People want to be led. That doesn't necessarily mean starting a non-
profit but something like getting people together for a dinner or a happy hour
or an art crawl.

Planning dinner parties. I've actually started doing this. I find that it
seems to be a lot harder to plan/execute/have a small (8-10 person) dinner
engagement than it is to send out a broad invite to almost everyone you know
for a 30 person party - expectations of the host/guests? I don't know why
(yet).

The key for a dinner party is to not to try for a weekend night but a weekday
night (e.g. Tuesday or Wednesday) - easier to compete against other events on
those days than weekend events (which are usually more important/reserved
slots). Having non-shows annoy me (but life happens). Always try to invite
some couples - that maximizes the invite/halves the required outreach.

I used to consider myself a fairly shy person but the thing is I have run into
people at other friends's events who I already know (and my friends are like -
you know them already?) Which makes me realize - that I am not as shy as I
claim to be. Actions speak more than your beliefs? I like to try to run in
many circles (albeit loosely connected). I have not yet managed to bring
disparate social circles together on a regular basis (outside of a big party)
but that is my goal. I have had at least two instances of people meeting and
dating - so by that metric - I have succeeded.

As I heard once, it is very hard to be the global maximum (e.g. POTUS). Harder
to be the regional maximum. But at your own party, at your own event, by
definition - you are the local maximum. The host, the one who brought everyone
together. That counts for a lot.

Good luck and just get it going. Don't wait for your dinner party/bar crawl to
be perfect. All you need is two people with you to not feel like a social
pariah. Because you are not one.

------
iamelgringo
The coolest, most helpful people I've met in Silicon Valley make a concerted
effort to do just those two things: meet people and get things done.

Meet at least one or two new people every couple of days. And, meeting people
online... much different than spending an hour with them over coffee.

After a few years, you'll be amazed at the opportunities that become
available.

------
jmspring
An interesting experience from last evening. Attending my most recent high
school reunion, I mainly showed up to see a couple of old friends. Upon
arrival, I looked around and realized two things -- I didn't recognize most of
the people there; and those that I did I didn't have an interest in chatting
with.

Then, a funny thing happened, I realized a number of people were in the same
boat, scratching their heads at who these people were. I had a couple of very
good conversations with an Accenture Consultant who had travelled to some of
the same countries as I have recently; as well as someone I did recognize but
never spoke much with who has a startup doing pretty well in the mobile space.

My takeaway -- when thrown into a big group, especially one with certain
baggage attached, it is best to just let go and take the time to chat. A
simple hello, how are you, what do you do/what have you been up to, only takes
a few minutes. In most cases, it might be considered a "waste of time" but
there will be moments where something unexpected comes about.

Furthermore, if you are like me -- someone who tends to prefer the
intimate/known to vast wilderness -- it might do you some good to branch out.

~~~
genieyclo
Curious, why exactly do people attend high school reunions?

~~~
johnnyjustice
To see old friends, that you may have lost touch with. And unfortunately to
compare themselves with others. But fortunately, this could be a great
opportunity to make new friends based on some commonality and sharing where
they are in life.

------
EGreg
Man, I could write volumes regarding meeting people. I made a study of it
because I was very interested. Now I should put it into practice. I was just
too disorganized/lazy to take my own advice.

First of all, organizing things that others will enjoy is certainly a great
way. But you also have to motivate people to bring their friends, otherwise
you'll always be seeing the same people. People bring their friends when there
is something they really want them to experience, so that's what you should
focus on.

Also, meeting people is a great way to realize that you can outsource
responsibilities to others, something that can actually "scale". Often this
allows you to network to the right people. The key here is not to be perfect,
and not to put too much responsibility on yourself. For example, you want to
bring together two groups of people (men and women, say, or investors and
entrepreneurs) that would really like to meet each other. You want to
cultivate an aura of quality (i.e. the men and women are exceptionally
attractive for whatever reason) and selectiveness in order to inspire people
to perpetuate this selectiveness and recommend it to their friends. Suddenly
the experience is created not just by you, but by this self perpetuating aura
of exclusivity.

Being the facilitator and helping people meet each other actually gets you a
lot of points, which you can use later when you need a favor yourself.

If you're coming as a guest, though, there is a real economics that starts
happening, and a currency. Perhaps it is unfortunate from an idealistic point
of view, but that's the way it works in many conferences, nightclubs, etc.

In general, though, if you want to come to events as a guest, you probably
want to be invited either by the organizer or by a regular. If it's the
organizer, you'd ideally like to bring some "high quality" friends to the
event (such as fellow smart engineers) and introduce them to the organizer, so
the organizer will want to invite you again.

Additionally you can form a little "group" that tells each other about events
and invites each other. At these events, when you talk to someone important,
you can tout the other people in the group instead of bragging about yourself,
and they would do the same for you. As a result, you are able to meet many
more people through your "network" who is out there meeting people in 10
different places and filtering them for you, because you yourself can be in
only one place at a time.

How to start motivating people you know to start networking wherever they are
and mentioning you when the opportunity comes up? You have to start doing it
for them first. Ask for their business cards. You have to hook people up with
opportunities and then ask them to go out and do the same for you. Give them
your business cards.

~~~
gnaritas
That all sounds rather discusting and fake. If that's what most people do, I
don't want to know them.

~~~
lurker19
I felt the same way for a long time. But you have to ask, to good things
happen for you because the world is fair, or because you are a rainmaker, or
because you are lucky enough that a rainmaker loves you?

My parents were rainmakers, which was great except that I took too long to
realize it, including the time I spent at one of the most rewarding
networking-intensive organizations in the world, and I refused to network.

Eventually I realized that I was taking advantage of a social structure that
someone built for me, but I wasn't helping builds it further. At first, I was
just guilty of a self-centered selfishness. Later, the free ride slowed down.
Now it is up to me to help the wheels turn, or just coast to a stop.
Networking isn't evil. It is a tool you can use for good or evil. Networks are
not free, but they can tolerate someone free riding temporarily.

You once had to learn to use a toilet and wash dishes and write thank-you
notes, too. If you don't do directly yourself, you depend on someone to
slaughter animals or pull vegetableout out of the ground (someone who expects
something on return) that all disgusting and fake?

~~~
gnaritas
This all presumes networking is necessary; it isn't. I don't have to do it at
all.

~~~
akat
Care to elaborate? OR you (think) don't have to do that either? :)

~~~
gnaritas
Elaborate on what? It's perfectly possible to live a happy life without
putting an ounce of effort into actively networking. You meet people through
happenstance without ever thinking "how can I use this person". We don't all
look at other people as means to an end.

I don't recommend people because I hope they'll recommend me back or because
I'm thinking about building a social structure; I do it if and when it'd help
the person I'm recommending them to if and when it'd be natural to do so.

Watching you guys talk about building the social structure and networking
reminds me of watching a psychopath try to fit in with normal people and learn
when it's appropriate to smile or fake emotion. You're talking about actively
learning to manipulate people to your advantage, I just don't find that cool,
even if it is to everyone's advantage.

------
alain94040
I attended my first lean startup circle lunch last Wednesday in Palo Alto.
It's definitely getting easier to meet people interesting people now than 10
years ago.

The trick is to be genuinely interested in what other people are doing. If you
go to any event trying to sell [yourself|your product] you'll look like a
jerk.

------
gigawatt
Generally good, though short, advice. I think the author slightly
misunderstands the point about smalltalk, though. The point isn't to "talk
about the other person," the point is to ask questions. That doesn't preclude
you from talking about yourself, it actually makes it easier. Ask questions
until you find something in common or that you can relate to.

The cold email advice at the bottom is spot on too. In the last couple months,
I've had lunch with two rather well-known people in my field who I have tons
of respect for. In both cases, I cold emailed them and asked to get together.

------
aklemm
Confirmed. This is exactly how the most exciting opportunities in my life have
come about. It would be awesome to hear from someone who either doesn't get
this or disagrees with it. It seems simple enough, but I bet there are quite a
few people who don't get what they're doing wrong.

~~~
sivers
Here's my conditional disagreement:

If you live in a social city, you may find yourself in a situation where
you're doing more meeting and talking than actually working.

I know a few people that have put such emphasis on the importance of meeting
with people and connecting people, that they never get any real work done!

Yes, the OP mentioned this: "(1) Do something" - but the problem is that
contacting people and meeting up with them, and attending events, meetups, and
even posting on HN - can all feel like you are doing something.

But sometimes you need to ask yourself if you're using all this people-meeting
as a distraction from your real work.

Too often, I find meeting people is easy. What's HARD is disconnecting,
focusing, staying in, and working through the difficult obstacles to creating
something valuable.

~~~
wallflower
> Too often, I find meeting people is easy. What's HARD is disconnecting,
> focusing, staying in, and working through the difficult obstacles to
> creating something valuable.

From my network marketing days, one phrase sticks out: "Never confuse
productivity with activity".

I find your statement very interesting. I am convinced that people often focus
on what is hard for them/what the lack/what they want more of. For example, my
relatively poor artist friends who bounce from job to job (so much that being
fired/quitting means nothing) and perpetually have no money but have lots of
friends. Contrast that with my relatively successful developer friends who are
so busy with projects that they have no time for friends. One more example -
the most connected woman I know - very successful founder/CEO - her biggest
accomplishment of the past 5 years is completing a 5k run. Because it is
challenging for her physically.

Have you considered working in an environment where there is energy but you
have no connections? Like a university library/cafeteria/commons (library
access might be restricted - but sometimes if you pay, sometimes you can get a
card as a resident) or a coffee shop in an area where they don't speak your
native tongue primarily (Chinatown) or a random hotel lobby with a 3G/4G
access point?

------
ggr
If you are an interesting person, you have to put yourself in a situation
where you can prove it to others. Find a competition, a hackathon, sport
activity or even volunteering and build something with strangers. This is how
i made most of my find friends and my connections.

------
bricestacey
I thought I was trying to meet people in the Boston ruby community but I
didn't realize how little effort I was putting into it until I contacted two
prominent people via railsmentors.org. There are dozens of people that will
happily meet with you and make introductions to others. You just can't wait
for it to happen. You gotta contact them and plan it. Serendipity is 90%
planning.

------
bootload
_"... I would venture to say most of what is said about meeting people is
either bad, or easily interpreted in a way that will not be helpful. ..."_

No mention of body language? _"Body Language Basics"_ , Navarro, Joe. ~
<http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/72334>

~~~
salemh
Too minor a point in relevance to the conversation. Perhaps in a highly
nuanced discussion of social interactions (different thread / topic).

