
How to Tell If You’re a Jerk - rajeshmr
http://nautil.us/issue/54/the-unspoken/how-to-tell-if-youre-a-jerk-rp
======
treyfitty
I recently had a baby, and the self-realization that I am a jerk became very
clear when I thought about the world. Let me explain:

From a young age, growing up in Queens, I quickly learned the value of being a
jerk/asshole as a deterrent for getting "jumped" for my jacket/sneakers. The
idea was: kids mugging other kids would go for easy targets. Even an inkling
of belief that someone would put up a fight was a disincentive enough to avoid
getting "jumped." Now, this wasn't always the case, but the converse (if easy
target, then got jumped) was definitely prevalent.

Fast forward to adult age, and it's even more true- give an inch, and people
will take a mile. As cynical as it sounds, I've been in many instances where
my asshole-ness proved to be beneficial. For example, when someone tried to
cut me in line at the grocery store, I let it go. When that same person was at
the dog park with me later that night, and he became aggressive with MY dog, I
lost my cool, which was mostly fueled by the prior transgression on his part.
The guy apologized and to this day, this person has been saccharin to my wife
at the dog park when I'm not there, but completely avoids me when I am.

Now, I know there's a fine line between being a jerk and assertive, but I
think the line has been muddled over the years as our social norms have
evolved to "always be kind- if not, you'll be seen as a jerk." I acknowledge
that I am an insecure person, while at the same time, an egotistical person,
but being a jerk has protected me from being taken advantage of.

Today, I wonder, how would I feel if my son turned out this way? How do I want
the world to treat my son, and vice-versa? I then realize that if the world
were filled with people like me, the world would be a terrible place. But,
from a game theory perspective, I'm employing my best strategy.

~~~
megaman22
Just from the examples given, it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong...
I like to take Teddy Roosevelt's mantra to heart; walk softly and carry a big
stick. You can bend and bend and bend, and nobody will appreciate it - they
just get all upset and pissy when you put your foot down and draw the line.

Probably I'm a jerk.

~~~
justherefortart
I'm a jerk, but primarily in the face of unbalanced power or other people
being jerks (or blatant unfairness).

People typically love or hate me, but it's usually relevant to their own
actions. Maybe it comes from being picked on as a kid, I like to stand up for
the little guy.

~~~
Fnoord
> Maybe it comes from being picked on as a kid, I like to stand up for the
> little guy.

Isn't that the opposite of being a jerk? Like, isn't that being kind?

------
voidhorse
Just remind yourself daily that life is incredibly complex, that simplicity,
except in the rarest of cases, is a myth (if you finally 'have the answer'
you've only decided which lie you're most comfortable believing), that the
global socio-economic system we are a part of has more moving parts than any
one person could conceivably grapple with let alone understand, and that
almost everyone, almost all the time, is working off a best guess. In other
words, don't play the blame game, demand much of yourself, demand little of
others, and appreciate everything you have, which, as soon as it's under your
nose, becomes light, airy, invisible--until it has suddenly evaporated. We're
all prey and prone to our own little fantasies--we live our fictions. That's
why the madman laughs. His hoarse chuckle is not a sudden aberration or break,
not the unfortunate collapse of some 'right' mentality but the final, total
dissolution of an imposition--the breaking of the yoke.

------
cannonedhamster
Depending on who you talk to I am either unreadable, a jerk, a creep, insanely
nice, demanding, nit-picky, angry, obsessive, or one of a myriad other things.
I think it's definitely possible to be a well liked jerk.

~~~
staticautomatic
And perhaps, manic.

~~~
cannonedhamster
Oh definitely manic.

------
mythrwy
_Are you surrounded by fools and non-entities, by people with bad taste and
silly desires, by boring people......

If this is how the world regularly looks to you, then I have bad news. Likely,
you are the jerk. This ....is not how the world actually is. _

Could be. Or you could be surrounded by boring people with bad taste. Can we
say honestly say those don't exist? Or don't exist in large groups?

Except when it's truly necessary to provoke some change there isn't generally
an excuse for unkindness though. But that doesn't mean the company of boring
people and fools is worth seeking out and we shouldn't have to pretend that
they don't have those attributes.

As with so many other things jerk is a matter of perspective. If the fact I do
judge inwardly if the company of a group or individual is worth my time makes
me a jerk then whatever. I do try to be kind and polite to the best of my
ability though.

~~~
iamcasen
I feel the same way. As a society, we are constantly hammered on concepts like
"everyone rates themselves as a B+ driver even if they aren't." What about
when you really are an A+ driver though?

Same goes with any form of exceptionalism. Everyone thinks they are smart,
everyone thinks they are above average, etc. If you truly are exceptional, and
everyone around truly is not as smart as you are, how would you know?

According to all studies, we all think that, and we are all full of shit.

------
pavement
Interesting tidbit: Sweethearts also seem clueless to the presence of jerks,
offering concessions to, and excuses for jerk behavior.

Question: what's with jerks teaming up? How does jerk signaling work, such
that it attracts jerks-of-a-feather, when jerks in the wild are found joining
forces?

~~~
tbabb
A theory of Jerkodynamics: The only people who will hang around jerks tend to
either be other jerks with the same problem, or people too insanely nice to
set boundaries and tell the jerks to get bent.

~~~
Nav_Panel
This "theory of jerkodynamics" as you call it was actually fleshed out in this
great post:
[http://siderea.livejournal.com/1230660.html](http://siderea.livejournal.com/1230660.html)

> _...If you unwittingly have been repelling non-assholes, you will get the
> impression that everyone is an asshole, because you 're still surrounded by
> plenty of people, but everyone left – that is everyone you come into contact
> with – is, in fact, an asshole._

> _...An asshole filter is a situation one creates that causes non-assholes to
> reduce contact with you at a disproportionate rate (like at all) than
> assholes..._

> _...An asshole filter happens when you publicly promulgate a straitened
> contact boundary and then don 't enforce it; or worse, reward the people who
> transgress it..._

It goes on to frame "jerk-ness" in terms of "transgressiveness":

> _The concept of transgressiveness is one of the most powerful lenses I know
> with which to look at people 's behavior – possibly because it is is a
> perspective so absent from our culture. It is a phenomenon that is real, but
> for which we have no words – except "asshole". When we call someone an
> asshole, pragmatically speaking what we're usually trying to express is that
> that person transgresses others' boundaries. We might also say, if asked to
> explain, that the person so described is selfish, in that they want to get
> their way even (or especially) at the expense of others; we might describe
> them as rude or disrespectful, meaning that their conduct shows contempt for
> others' boundaries._

------
cosmic_ape
So here's the ultimate, highly scientific jerkness test proposed by the
article: _Think about this article sometime later today, sometime when you are
surrounded by other people—maybe in the lunch line, or at a department
meeting, or at a party, or in a crowded plaza. Notice the people around you.
Are they fools and tools, or do they sparkle with interesting individuality?_

Exactly what kind of individuality sparkles do most people in a crowded plaza
emit? Their clothes, face expression at that moment, pace of walk?

The danger in this kind of whooshy-mooshy is that some people might start to
believe that these things do constitute an individuality. To the benefit of
the fashion industry, and probably to our loss as a society.

~~~
dm319
The results have come back and ... they're positive I'm afraid.

------
arikrak
Looks like they just re-published their article from a year ago:
[http://nautil.us/issue/40/learning/how-to-tell-if-youre-a-
je...](http://nautil.us/issue/40/learning/how-to-tell-if-youre-a-jerk)

~~~
Fnoord
Good catch, it is. That article got submitted 6 times (search for "How to Tell
If You’re a Jerk"). Although back then it didn't spark much debate that makes
it a dupe on nautil.us _and_ HN.

------
__m
Shock, HN users are jerks

~~~
laxatives
Its a little disappointing to see that half of the comments are people
defending their actions to no one in particular, justifying why they act like
a jerk but aren't necessarily a jerk.

Its not like being a jerk/sweetheart is some binary or mutually exclusive
relation, but it seems like this article struck a chord with a lot of users.

~~~
mirceal
my theory is that the smarter you are, the more likely you are to try to
justify behaviors that you are not necessarily aligned with

~~~
majewsky
Why would you think that? Rationalization is one of the pillars of human
behavior overall. The only difference I would readily admit is that smarter
people are probably more mindful of their own rationalizing.

~~~
ivm
The article disagrees though:

"Academically intelligent people, by the way, aren’t immune to motivated
reasoning. On the contrary, recent research by Dan M. Kahan of Yale University
suggests that reflective and educated people might be especially skilled at
rationalizing their preexisting beliefs..."

~~~
majewsky
Oh dear. I'm just gonna go bathe in my weltschmerz again. :/

------
tayo42
This article seems to focus on your default response to someone new is that
they're not worth your time or energy. Are you still a jerk if you think over
time someone has acted in a way that deserves that response?

------
callesgg
I know that I used to be a jerk quite often in the past looking back at my own
behavior.

It has never been intentional, I simply did not think about it.

Don't know about my current jerkiness I think one needs outside perspective to
really judge that.

~~~
s73ver_
I would say that one does not need to intentionally be a jerk to be one. As
you said, all it takes is to simply not think of how your actions affect
others.

------
JDazzle
At best, I'm a minor jerk.

Realistically, I'm a huge jerk according to the article. While I don't
necessarily fit all the criteria for being a big jerk, the end result is still
the same.

------
edoceo
Sounds like a sociopath rather than a jerk. I hire sociopaths, fire jerks

~~~
owens99
> I hire sociopaths

Good luck with that strategy.

~~~
edoceo
It's worked well for the last decade.

------
jancsika
Where do lulz fit into this?

Is Eric Andre a jerk?

Samy Kamkar?

Andy Kaufmann?

