

Ask HN: Advice on getting over romantic rejection? It's killing my startup - dufusheart

Any hackers tips on getting over romantic rejection?<p>I got pwned hard by a woman last year and the stuff she said about me stung very badly and continues to do so.  It's been months since she told me to buzz off and I still have a hard time not fixating on the flaws she saw in me.  It's killing my productivity at work.  Not sure what to do.  I can't stop picking at the scabs.
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neckbeard
It is better to have pwned and lost than to have never pwned at all.

~~~
dufusheart
This is true. And I understand that if you suck at something, the only way to
get better is to confront the fact that you suck at it and work on it.

I guess it's just hard to process that there's someone out there who knows a
ton about me and based on that, wants nothing to do with me. I feel like my
startup could get a buyout offer tomorrow and that fact would still be ringing
in my ears.

~~~
Swannie
I hear you. I'm sorry for your loss. Clearly she was important to you.

Try and "re-frame" it. You now know a lot about her, and she doesn't sound
right for you. Get to a place where you can fully agree with yourself that
you're better off without her. It's hard though.

Also keep in mind is that often these flaws are projections. Either of her own
flaws, those of past significant others, her parents, etc. She might be right.
But she might be wrong. As other posters have said, what is a flaw to her, may
be an odd habit that your next partner will grin at.

Personally, I found the best way to get over things was female company. My
female friends were much better at making me feel good about myself. My male
engineering friends were good at keeping me distracted, but weren't equipped
to talk about what happened.

And one reason why I don't like seeing my most significant ex: I am reminded
of her good qualities when I see her, and forget the bad. I wonder if it was
the right decision all over again, and that's very uncomfortable. She probably
doesn't want to see you because she doesn't want to face the dilemma: did she
make the right decision? This particular ex admitted to me last year that she
still thinks about me 2 years later.

And dufusheart, if these are flaws, the best time to work on them is in your
next relationship. You'll be older and wiser, be able to judge more
accurately, but most importantly, talk about them with your new partner. It's
uncomfortable, but worthwhile!

------
weichi
One classic bit of advice for getting over a breakup is to _do something_ ...
don't just sit around moping, find some activity to take on. A sport, taking a
class (cooking, language, art, music, etc), volunteering, whatever. Ideally
there will be women involved in the activity too ;-).

So my advice would be to dial back a little bit on the startup, and find some
new non-work activity to take on.

------
mindcrime
Just remember, she didn't reject you, she just demonstrated her own poor
judgment / poor taste in men. You are the prize, not her... if she walked
away, that's a big win for your new partner, who's out there just waiting to
bump into you.

So much of your mental state is about your internal dialog, which is something
you _can_ control if you work at it. Consider looking at a book like "What to
Say When You Talk to Yourself." [http://www.amazon.com/What-Say-When-Talk-
Yourself/dp/0671708...](http://www.amazon.com/What-Say-When-Talk-
Yourself/dp/0671708821)

Also, I've found that when I'm down about something, the best therapy is just
to immerse myself in something. A startup project, exercise, whatever. This
might be a good time to just dive into the startup with even more intensity
than before. If nothing else, go with the old-fashioned meme of "the best
revenge is living well." Picture yourself cruising in your new Ferrari and
passing your ex somewhere and just smiling at her.

Or you could dive into some exercise routine / hobby. If you mountain bike or
rock-climb or trail-run or anything fun, just start doing more of it. Find
some other people to ride/climb/run/whatever with, so you have people to talk
to and keep your mind off of the ex.

And finally there is the old PUA saw of "GFTOW" (Google it if you don't know
the acronym.) Sounds kinda vulgar, but sometimes it's what a guy needs.

~~~
dufusheart
Your first line can't necessarily just be summarily true though, can it? I
don't get the whole "winner talk" approach to life sometimes.

------
znt
This happened to me twice too. It hurt really, really deep. I was trying to
find my way through romantic relationships with the help of some "pick up
strategies".

Do not take any negative comment from a woman (or anyone) personally.
Perception is projection most of the time.

Try to look at your actions and characteristics from the outside objectively
(observing ego). Fix any flaws you can find about yourself (Excessive weight,
bad teeth, fidgeting too much, weak vocal projection, not being able to let go
while with a woman etc)

The most helpful advice about women and dating was looking at the dating scene
like a computer game. When you lose you go back to the start (with a different
woman). The more you play, the more experience you get, the further you
advance the next time.

I know it sounds cold and apathetic, but I couldn't have gotten my current
girlfriend if I hadn't failed at my previous experiences. I analyzed every
mistake I made, learned from them.

Sorry to say this, but you should be able to endure some pain if you want to
be successful with women. Just don't get angry with them and don't take it
personally. 95% of the time it's the men's fault when the relationship stops
going anywhere. 5% of the time it's psycho women, but they're somewhat rare.

~~~
dufusheart
I've done a lot of that. I've lost weight, gotten into better physical shape,
and am actually seeing someone pretty neat now.

But I find myself late at night when I'm alone fixating on the criticisms from
this woman.

~~~
khafra
That you've fixed the problems she mentioned _and_ found another girlfriend
you're happy with should be in the original problem statement. That indicates
a larger--or at least stranger--problem than usual.

------
mbenjaminsmith
I've been through it twice. Just ignore everything she said. You'll meet
someone soon enough that will see positive where this last girl saw negative.

Sounds like she's on a power trip that most likely is fueled by her own
unhappiness / insecurities. Save for a few historical figues, I don't think
most people could be considered objectively bad.

~~~
weichi
_Just ignore everything she said._

Sure, but it's not something that everyone can just switch on. if thte OP were
that kind of person, he probably wouldn't have posted. So I think this advice
is poor for this case.

 _You'll meet someone soon enough that will see positive where this last girl
saw negative._

This, on the other hand, is 100% true. But very hard to believe when you are
in the OP's mood.

~~~
mbenjaminsmith
What I'm trying to say there is it's ok to ignore what she said, not that he
should magically forget about her in an instant.

I get the impression that he takes her criticisms seriously. She doesn't like
certain things about him and he sees those as absolute faults. I doubt he is
so flawed (at least compared to everyone else) and I don't think he should
look at it that way.

------
mduerksen
Based on my own experience, I would state 2 things:

1\. Time will heal, there's no magic switch to make this undone. It's natural
that your startup will suffer with you for a while. Just like raising money
will occupy your mind, it's inevitable (I'm not suggesting this is the same
quality of pain). But it _will_ pass. In the meantime, don't let it be the
reason to kill your startup.

2\. Having your face rubbed in your imperfection hurts, but not every flaw is
unacceptable for every person. If the flaw makes you imcompatible with the
whole world, that could be a problem. But I'm quite sure that this flaw is
only an issue for a certain type of person, or even only for that particular
woman. It could be her problem, not even yours! And there _is_ the other type,
who appreciates your strengths and can live with your weaknesses (or doesn't
even see it as a weakness).

~~~
dufusheart
Yeah, I guess it's good to remember that everyone's imperfect and some people
just hate certain kinds of other people. In this case, she and I started off
great, then the more I got to know her, the closer I felt to her and the more
interested I was. The more she got to know me, the less interested she was.
But she kept trying to connect as friends because she enjoyed my non-romantic
company. Meanwhile, the time we spent together was crossing my wires and
confusing me.

------
turbojerry
It sounds like you have oneitis, see here-

[http://www.seductionbase.com/seduction/cat/seductionfaq/Begi...](http://www.seductionbase.com/seduction/cat/seductionfaq/Beginner/720.html)

As far as things she said that you are not happy with, try to stand back from
it, dissociate your self from it, consider it as feedback, did anything she
said actually pertain to you, or is it her interpretation? If it is something
directly about you, do you wish to carry on the same way or would you like to
make a change based on that feedback? I know this sounds clinical, but that is
what will help, if you are having trouble with separating the emotions from
what she said you might try using visualization to dissociate yourself from
the emotions.

------
twickr
Try deep focus and commitment on a new goal. Set milestones, even several a
day. Put the horse blinders on.

Also, this article comes to mind and may help:
[http://rejectiontherapy.com/how-inadequacy-and-betrayal-
can-...](http://rejectiontherapy.com/how-inadequacy-and-betrayal-can-make-you-
better-than-ever/)

------
nhangen
Are these actual flaws, or just some woman's negative assessment based on her
perspective?

If you can fix a legitimate flaw, then do it. Otherwise, it sounds like a
confidence problem. Find something to help you re-build your confidence.

~~~
dufusheart
We got to know eachother very quickly during a time when I raised money for
our company and was on top of the world. I wrongly assumed that because
everything else in life was going well, that this relationship was just good
karma coming out of nowhere, so I was extremely open and "googly-eyed" toward
her. This came across as me being "a 14-year-old boy in man's body" and "a
fool who doesn't know a thing about women and relationships."

------
emrahyalaz
Contact me privately. I'll show you a way that worked for many people. No
obligation. This isn't a joke. (PUA stuff won't help you. Task 1 is
internalize what makes a woman unworthy, and how to pick the worthy ones).

------
thedealmaker
[http://roissy.wordpress.com/the-sixteen-commandments-of-
poon...](http://roissy.wordpress.com/the-sixteen-commandments-of-poon/)

Number 3 especially!!!

~~~
dufusheart
I read some of this stuff a while ago after an HN suggestion. I half-think it
gave me the wrong idea in some ways. As the girl started pulling away from me,
I tried to amp up my game and it just made things worse. Lol. I think the
smarter play would have been to size things up, see that she was a ballbuster,
and move on if there was no response.

------
PonyGumbo
I went through an extremely bad breakup about seven years ago, and I was
amazed at how quickly I was able to get out of my own head once I started
going on casual dates.

~~~
dufusheart
Thanks for sharing.

------
bdclimber14
Usually I leverage the insults to fuel my productivity in order to prove the
woman wrong.

I guess it also depends on the type of rejection though.

------
rms
Move to Southeast Asia! I have some extra room at my villa in Bali right now
if anyone wants to hang out for a while.

------
rabidonrails
you need to change it up a bit. I'm with phlux - get out and do something.
Take a break -- go somewhere for the weekend to clear your mind.

Whatever you do, don't fall into a vortex of self-pity. Remember, she's gone,
it sucks but it'll pass.

------
Mz
You need something that runs deeper in your life than she did. That isn't
necessarily a new woman, though it can be. Then it really won't much matter
anymore what she said.

Let me recommend the movie "Beyond Rangoon" as a place to start building a
mental model of what I mean. Bite off more than you can chew and all that.

~~~
dufusheart
I like that way of looking at "find something cool to do."

~~~
Mz
It probably needs to be more than just "cool". Volunteer at a homeless shelter
or do something else that has the potential to move you to tears and make you
feel your problems are just kind of whiny and insignificant. Not to belittle
your pain, but to give yourself a larger view -- and to expose you to strong
emotion of the cleansing kind. If you're torn up to the point of distraction
about being dumped by someone who said mean things to you, then you probably
need to live more. There are much bigger, grittier things going on in the
world. Go take a sip from the firehose of life and forget this person.

Peace. And good luck in your journey.

------
phlux
Lawyer up, hit the gym.

Seriously - get out and run/climb/bike HARD.

The exercise will clear your mind and will change your esteem.

~~~
bartonfink
Lawyer up? Not familar with that phrase...

~~~
khafra
Denizens of advice-dispensing subreddits noticed that suggestions frequently
fell into three categories: (1) Lawyer up, (2) Hit the gym, and (3) delete
facebook. This became an in-joke.

