

Ask HN: My lifetime mentor died. How to move on? - mattblalock

On September 4th my father and lifetime business mentor was murdered. We spoke daily, often for more than an hour, about business, psychology, economics, or simply life. Since his death, I barely know what to do with myself. Even nearly three months later, I'm still emotionally in limbo.<p>I've come to the conclusion that I must move forward. I'm sure some of you (sadly) have similar experiences - how did you put your life together again?
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michael_dorfman
First of all: remember that you are lucky. I know it's hard to see it that way
right now, but you were given an incredible gift in the time that the two of
you had together. The fact that it was cut short so abruptly and meaninglessly
doesn't take away from that; if anything, it highlights it.

In terms of "how", there is no magic answer; you just try to keep learning,
and keep giving to others, to the best of your ability.

You say that you used to speak for an hour each day; I'd suggest that you
spend a portion of that time writing down things you remember-- lessons,
anecdotes, etc. The time may come, years from now, when you'll be glad you
have some tangible reminders of his advice.

Good luck to you.

~~~
mattblalock
Thank you for your advice. It's very difficult to think of anything as being
lucky...

I've had learning on my mind. I've always done business and UI design, really
technology in general, but I've never really learned a language. I've been
pondering learning something like Python or Ruby, maybe putting my mind to
building some small project in the evenings...

I'm having to run the business everyday, plus dealing with his estate, so I'm
busy, at least.

------
RBr
1) Talk to a shrink. I'm not a big medication guy, so simply having an
impartial, 3rd party can help. Plus, they know grief so they can help you find
some strategies.

2) Channel your Father. I don't mean in some Psycho (movie) sort of way. I
mean that likely without knowing it, you know what your father would have said
for a long time. You could likely say "what would he have said" and have him
there with you. Sometimes, writing questions and then answering them as if you
were him can reveal the answer... and help.

3) Tell other people who your father was. Go out of your way to talk to people
and when some advice pops into your head that your dad would have conveyed,
relay that. If possible, mentor someone yourself. Passing on experience really
lets folks live on. Even if the people you're passing stuff on to aren't
related (like a son or daughter), mentoring people is as valuable for the
mentor as the person being mentored.

~~~
bethling
I fully agree with this - I lost my mom unexpectedly in July, and it's been
tough. #1 can help a lot - therapists know the right questions to ask to help
you start dealing with the grief in a healthy way - everyone is different, and
if someone can help you start down your own personal path, it makes the road
easier to find and a lot less bumpy.

~~~
mattblalock
I'm so sorry. It's tough, for sure. :\

------
dlevine
My father died very suddenly about a year ago. It came as a total shock - one
day he was just gone. I walked around in a daze for a few months, and I'll
admit that it was nearly six months before I started to get back on my feet.

This was one of the toughest things that has ever happened to me, and it
definitely changed me. So here's what has helped me to recover

I think that the biggest thing that helps is time - losing a parent is a
profound experience, and not one that you can easily cope with. There is
really no way to prepare for it. I still think about my father nearly every
day, and it's hard to believe that he's gone. But, as time has gone on, I've
definitely managed to put it into some sort of perspective. I can't say that
it is a positive experience, but I've learned to value the time I do have. My
father was twice my age, so maybe I've used up half my time. I had better make
that time count.

Another thing that helps is taking a break. It's fine to take a little bit of
time for yourself to get things together. It's interesting to see how people
respond to the death of a family member - a lot of people try to fill the hole
by throwing themselves into a frenzy of activities. Eventually, though, you
have to face yourself and make peace if you want to recover.

Finding stability in your life is also important. When my father died, I was
working on a startup. The startup was on its last legs, but his death
completely threw things off balance for me. I felt like I was floating for a
long time, and decided that I needed to add some stability to my life. Just
too many things were uncertain at the time, and I couldn't deal with that.
About six months ago, I decided to take a job with a more established startup.
I feel like adding some stability to my life has definitely helped to put
things back to normal. This was kind of the last thing on my mind for several
years before that, but in this particular case, I think that it helped me to
recover.

Finally, I think it's important to talk about it with people. I'm sure that
you have friends who have lost parents - talk to them about the experience. If
you have siblings, talk to them. You will find out that a lot of what's going
through your head is stuff that everyone experiences. I wish that I had done
more of this - I feel like I kind of shut down and didn't really want to talk
about it for a while. If you need to (and maybe if you don't think you need
do), seek out professional help. They are trained to help people who have been
through this sort of experience.

------
transmit101
Three months is not much time at all to deal with a situation of this
magnitude. Be patient with yourself, and give yourself a lot more time. In my
own personal experience, it took 2 years to deal with losing somebody close to
me. Even after that of course, things were never the same as before, but I
eventually felt myself again, and could enjoy the memories I held. Again
personally, but I found keeping a journal a great release. Good luck

------
gabrielroth
My condolences.

I can think of two pieces of advice, from my experience, that stand a chance
of being helpful.

(1) Don't expect yourself to respond differently from how you're responding.
At various moments in a single day you may be miserable, numb, and
surprisingly cheerful. None of these is the wrong response, especially when
the loss is so fresh. If you're still feeling perpetually distraught in two
years, talk to a shrink. (Talk to a shrink now if you think it might be
helpful, but don't do it because you think your response is somehow
disproportionate or invalid. It isn't.)

(2) Get used to the fact that this event will place a layer of friction
between you and most other people. Hopefully you have one or two people in
your life who you have talked to, at length, about what you're going through.
Others, even good friends, will regularly say things that feel callous and
unsympathetic. Try to be patient with them.

~~~
rickdangerous1
"(2) Get used to the fact that this event will place a layer of friction...."
wow, thank you for that. If I had the ability, I'd vote this up.

~~~
gabrielroth
I'm glad it was helpful.

------
skyway
My father died very suddenly when I was 13 years old and it really threw me in
to a tailspin. I finally decided people die and we miss them. At first its
such a huge thing that it blots out the sun. It always stays that huge, but as
we move away from it in time, eventually we get to where we can see the sun
peeping out around the edges.

When I grew up and got married, my first husband was kidnapped and we found
his murdered remains four months later. It is an unsolved mystery that is 23
years old. I cried and cried and cried and cried and cried. I stood out in my
garden, dug my feet into the mud, and I cried. I cried for three weeks
straight. No anti-depressants - just process. Grief is a process.

My advice is: 1) Your mind can take you to weird places around murder. Don't
get too out there. People die and we miss them. Its that simple. 2) Don't talk
about it all the time to everyone you know. Its pretty easy to say, "Hi, nice
to meet you, my dad died," because its like a huge sunburn all over your body.
But talking about it constantly keeps it at the surface of your conscious
mind. It is better to wait and speak about your feelings with a trusted loved
one or friend or in therapy. 3) Get a therapist - a cognitive therapist - and
shop around for someone who is logical, intuitive and genuine.

I'm really sorry to hear you have lost your father. My father was the best
father a person could ever have. He was brilliant, a scientist at NASA, a
protege to Werner Von Braun, had an IQ higher than Albert Einstein's and was
warm, loving - he was just the best. Its hard for other people to understand
when you lose someone that is wonderful, because there are lots of people who
lose a regular Joe, but how many of us have the experience of losing someone
awesome? By this I mean that lots of people have dads that left them, didn't
pay child support, or were abusive - its a different experience when you have
a wonderful dad. I keep a photo of my father above my kitchen sink. Even
though I lost him when I was so young, I'm grateful I had that man for a
father and the love I received from him.

You get up in the morning, brush your teeth, floss, get a shower, eat your
breakfast, and go about your day. Its going to be okay. Have faith things are
going to be better over time.

------
dawson
I'm sorry for your loss. I found that time does heal most wounds. From
experience, try not to make any big decisions right now, you'll tend to be
emotive and reactional, rather than rational. Eat healthy and get lots of
sleep (psychological effects of trauma cause real physical effects).

~~~
mattblalock
Thank you, I've discovered this... (un)fortunately, my business is beginning
to grow rapidly, forcing me to make decisions I doubt I'm able to make. We
shared the business, unofficially, but decisions we're mutually made... and
now I'm making them all... for the first time.

It's incredibly terrifying.

------
egypturnash
When I was twelve, my father died. On my birthday. Needless to say this fucked
me up; I closed up pretty much entirely and drifted through life for something
like ten or fifteen years.

In some ways, I think nobody's truly dead until their last echo fades from
history - when I have that moment of drawing and feeling like I'm totally
channeling Jack Kirby, he lives again through me. What of your father still
lives in you?

Make social contact; start to look for new anchors for who you are. You'll
never find a replacement for him but you'll find someone who's just as
interesting. Maybe they'll be a lover, maybe they'll be a new mentor. Maybe
some of both. Put yourself in new situations.

Three months? I think you're still quite right to be grieving.

------
jonezy
it's your turn to be the mentor, find someone and do for them what your father
did for you.

I'll bet that was his intention all along.

------
cowmixtoo
mattblalock: My business mentor / great friend died a little over a year ago
and its been very hard to adjust. There really isn't anything to say that will
help except for it will take time to adjust and move on. In my case I was
"lucky" because my associate died of cancer so I was able to say final
"goodbyes", etc. In fact, he final gift to me was being able to describe the
process of dying and how he felt at each stage.

BTW, it turns out there ARE atheists in foxholes.

------
jacobroufa
My condolences. My father plays a huge role in my life. He's got Parkinson's
Disease and has had it for well over a decade now... it will eventually kill
him. So I've had time to think about this. The truth is, when it comes time, I
have no idea how I will deal with it. But my father, being the person he is,
would want me to live my life to the best of my ability and live it without
getting hung up on the little things. The reality is that we all die
eventually, like it or not. To honor the memory of our loved ones we should do
what they would want and I doubt they would want us to be so stricken with
grief as to shut down our lives. I like what michael_dorfman had to say; you
are very fortunate that you got to spend as much time as you did with your
father. Cherish his memory, always.

------
dctoedt
Let me add my own condolences, and reiterate that it will take longer than
three months. I'm still affected by my dad's death a year ago (today) after a
long and difficult illness. You've got it even tougher, given the brutal
circumstances and the suddenness of the rip in your universe.

Mourning takes time, and there's not much you can do to speed up the process.
I strongly suspect this folk wisdom underlies the traditional rule that a
widow(er) shouldn't remarry before a year has elapsed.

------
ljordan
When my dad died I felt as though I was at sea without a compass. I came to
see that fundamentally we only know what we know and that we are responsible
for the ship (our lives) regardless of what we know about navigation (if
anything). Usually experience shows us that we only think we know, but there
is a pretty long list of things that generally work that we can learn about.
The loss I feel is that the trusted navigator I used to ask when I couldn't
tell where my ship was going isn't there anymore, and he can't be replaced. He
used to say "do the best you can, that's as much as any of us can do".
Navigating as best I can honors him and pulls me together at the low points.
Letting the vessel go adrift doesn't help anyone. He's been gone a few years
now. I don't know that my life will ever be "back together again". It just
goes on changing, and for now, I go on with it.

------
perucoder
Sorry to hear about your loss. Like the other's have said, time will make
things easier to deal with. Be alert though for signs of destructive behavior,
as this can make your life even more complicated. Increases in
drinking/drugging, isolating oneself, excessive risk taking, etc.

------
akulbe
I am _SO_ sorry for your loss. I cannot even begin to understand or appreciate
the gravity of what you have experienced.

In my humble opinion, the best thing you can do to put life back together, and
honor your father's memory... is to mentor someone else.

Pay it forward, if you will.

This will cement the lessons he taught you, in your mind, and you will learn
more through experience.

I would also venture to say that you will come up with wisdom of your own, as
times goes on.

As much as it hurts, this experience of losing your father, and how you
respond to it, in your life... will be part of makes you who you are.

If you ever need/want to talk, don't hesitate to drop me a line.

------
alexwestholm
That's a terrible situation. I'm very sorry for your loss.

My father has conveyed to me some enormously valuable things over the years.
When his time comes, I think a major part of dealing with it, for me, will be
both preserving these things and passing them on. If you can put to paper some
of the wisdom he's given to you, and then spread that to others, I'm sure
you'd be doing him proud. And beyond that, I'm sure you'd be doing something
beneficial for yourself and for us all. Good luck.

------
ScottBurson
My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine what that must feel like. As others
here have said, it's perfectly understandable that you've been in shock and
grief.

I think the best suggestion I could give is to be easy on yourself. It's good
that you're starting to feel ready to begin moving forward, but don't rush
anything. Be glad for what you can do, and don't worry about what you're not
ready to do yet. Taking a long walk every day might help.

------
ecaradec
Whenever I feel bad because the world around me is falling, I always repeat
myself that it's just a normal reaction. Take your time, it's ok be sad, you
don't have to accomodate people around you.

You were also very lucky to have build such a warm relationship with your
father, something many childs are never able to do and regret later. Only time
will make you feel better, and he still be here with you as you'll remember
his insights all your life.

------
lwhi
Get some bereavement counselling - coming to terms in something that must seem
so unjust, can't be easy.

It will be very useful to be able to process the hurt you're feeling, in the
company of someone who has good experience helping people who've dealt with
similar losses.

------
PostOnce
Build something he would be proud of.

~~~
neworbit
That is exactly what I came to this link to add. Kudos.

My only other advice: if you still need a mentor, find someone who you can get
an hour or two a week from. You probably still do need advice, but it sounds
like you're pretty grounded.

~~~
mattblalock
I know its a lot to ask, but how would I go about finding a mentor? I wonder
if a mentor might be more helpful than a shrink....

------
mattblalock
Thank you all so much for the kind words and encouragement. I have no idea how
to find a shrink... if you were looking for one, how would you go about
finding a good one?

------
Mz
No one close to me has died, but I have had other big traumas in my life and
big changes. I found that going out and finding something constructive to fill
my time was a good move at some point, sometimes after having a period of
mourning/wrapping my brain around the issue. I also spent some time in my
twenties watching tear-jerk movies (alone and late at night) and crying my
eyes out. After a while of that, I stopped feeling sad all the time. It helped
me release those emotions.

------
trizk
He would have wanted you to move onward and succeed. In fact, that is the only
way to do his memory justice.

------
shareme
Sorry to hear about your loss. Obviously no one can replace your mentor.
However, I am sure your mentor would have wanted to pass down the things they
did to someone.

As you go through that process you will find that sooner or later anew pursuit
pops in mind that is connected to your mentor.

------
xenophanes
<http://fallibleideas.com/emotions>

~~~
ScottBurson
Ugh. This kind of thing is the last thing this person needs to hear.

Emotions are real and powerful. Although they certainly affect thoughts and
can be affected by thoughts, they aren't reducible to thoughts, and can't just
be waved away with a flick of the mind.

~~~
xenophanes
I take it you think it's false. And that false statements about emotions are
harmful to upset people. Would that be a fair way of putting your complaint
that doesn't assume without argument that it's false?

I put it to you that some people think it is true, and that if it is true it
will help. Let him judge for himself what advice he deems true, instead of you
trying to tell everyone who thinks differently than you to withhold advice!

