
Ask HN: When to settle down (as a guy)? - throwaway238723
So here&#x27;s the thing. I have an online business is doing $xM&#x2F;y. I have lots of friends and I travel a lot. But I just turned 30.<p>Now I know time is limited etc. But I don&#x27;t feel like starting a family or anything like that yet. I have the freedom to do anything, go anywhere. On the other hand, I don&#x27;t want to miss out on the window of opportunity and be 50 and childless and lonely.<p>I kinda just wanna keep doing whatever I want. Meanwhile all my friends are moving in together, getting babies etc. Am I fucking up here? Hasn&#x27;t time changed though?<p>Or do I have severe Peter Pan issues? It&#x27;s not like I&#x27;m not responsible though, I take care of myself, my finances, my friends and family (that is, my parents!). I feel like if you don&#x27;t do it, society sees you as a failure but I don&#x27;t think I am?<p>I hear so many nightmare stories from married friends with babies etc. Divorces. Breakups. Also good stories. But mostly it seems people around me aren&#x27;t that happy with the choices that &quot;happened to them&quot;. I&#x27;m like rationally wondering if that&#x27;s really a smart choice when I&#x27;m in a pretty ideal situation now. It doesn&#x27;t seem like a choice for most, and it also appears like it&#x27;s mostly women making the choice for them (if I ask my guy friends).<p>I mostly wonder how long I should prolong it before I do it to optimize my usage of (life) time.
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robertcope
Well, for one thing, settling down isn't something you can go out and buy or
manufacture. Finding the right person and the right time is hard and also a
bit of luck.

One thing I would consider, though, is that the older you are, the harder kids
become and the less of their life you'll get to see. I was 37 when my kid was
born and I wish I'd had her a bit earlier.

~~~
throwaway238723
Thanks! How did you approach the process of finding the right person? As a
purposeful thing or just let it happen by serendipity?

~~~
robertcope
I had no approach, it just happened. But you have to be out and doing things
for it to happen, they're not going to show up on your couch one day while
you're playing video games or watching TV, that is for sure. Well, unless you
order a bride or something.

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CuriouslyC
The question is, do you have meaning in your life? Romantic marriage is just a
way to find meaning, by devoting yourself to someone else. If that sort of
meaning appeals to you, then be open to marriage. If that doesn't appeal to
you, or you aren't willing to make other meanings in your life secondary,
marriage probably isn't going to work out.

Regardless of what you decide, don't be one of those people who is looking for
someone to marry. For it to work, marriage really has to be a natural
evolution of the relationship.

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endswapper
To offer a little context, I am not someone who has ever done things the
"right," or "normal" way. It doesn't matter if it's school, career,
relationships, whatever, I have always done things that feel right to me for
me. I am 38 and I have been married for ~2.5 years, no kids. Marriage was
never a priority, nor were children.

Getting married for societal acceptance, or FOMO are not good reasons.

Marriage has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. Before I
was married I would ask people why they got married, or what was great about
it. Often the response I got was, "you won't know until you do it." Once I got
married my response was the same. Now, I think I understand that it is similar
to having children. In my mind, marriage is about being committed to a person
in a way that I was only ever committed to myself. I always put my wife first
and this is a healthy exercise. It's similar to having children in this way,
children forces you, or should, to put someone else ahead of yourself. This
helps by presenting new perspectives that allow us understand ourselves, our
value and our position in new ways. I have said elsewhere that I think this is
part of what makes us fully formed people rather than remaining entitled
children. I'm not saying this is the only way, but appears to me to be a very
effective method of resetting our egos and expanding our understanding -
marriage and children.

Furthermore, I think it's worth mentioning you don't have to give-up any of
your drive, pursuits or determination to commit to another person. We are a
team. I am trying to launch a startup, which is relevant for many others here.
It's been a long, difficult few years. My wife has made all the difference. I
am a solo founder and we are each other's support team.

Most importantly the type of marriage you have is entirely up to you. My wife
and I operate on a clear system of brutal honesty and communication. I think
that if you put the team ahead of yourself, and your partner does the same,
it's just a matter of negotiating details. We haven't been married long, and
regardless of what the future holds, I have already realized more value in
being married than if I had not done it.

Finally, I am not selling marriage, it's not for everyone. However, I had
similar thoughts at around your age and no one offered this perspective. I
hope you find it helpful.

~~~
throwaway238723
Thank you! That's a great perspective. What did you do in the mean time
between 30 and 38? Did you date many people? What made you settle down with
the person you're with now. Was is time/age? The right person?

How do you know if it's the right person (I know, big questions here haha!)

~~~
endswapper
Between the ages of 30 and 38 I have been focused on my career primarily. I am
interested in building and creating and that has always been my focus.

I have dated a bunch, but I am not a fan of it. For me, my comfort level
requires some time, so I have always preferred a relationship as opposed to a
couple of months here and there dating. I don't think there is a right or
wrong there, it's entirely personal preference. I will say that between 15 and
35 I got everything out of my system. When I got married I was not worried
about anything I hadn't done yet. I am originally from the Midwest and I have
lived in Los Angeles and Manhattan multiple times, and traveled
internationally, so my experiences have been diverse.

There is no right person, age or time. I appreciate that you are looking for
an answer, but I think it comes down to faith. I mean this in the most non-
religious way possible, but I am not sure how else to describe it. When you
believe things are going to work because you believe you and your partner have
the same understanding and objectives regarding the relationship, and you
believe your partner has the same belief, I think that's as close as you can
get to knowing the answer to any of those questions about right person, time
or age.

I was not looking and I was surprised with who it was, as well as when and
where I found my wife.

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throwaway238723
P.S. I have no big trouble dating, I've also had 3Y+ relationships. Just
didn't feel like I was ready to give everything up and settle down.

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informatimago
It's too late! Seriously. The worst advice parents give to children, is to
wait before settling down and having children. To wait for anything: having
fun, studies, carrier, whatever the reason.

On the contrary, parents should help children to get married and start making
babies as soon as possible once they're adult.

Because otherwise, as you mention it, you get to hear what's really like to
have a family, and the more time passes, the more you come to realize what a
crazy thing it would be, and the less you become inclined to do it. No, this
is something that should be done before you come to your senses, while you're
still a crazy young adult yourself! And also, while you still have the energy
to have three lifes at the same time!

Soldiers are sent to wars in their twenties. They shouldn't be sent there
without having a wife and one or more babies already. Therefore people should
marry very early, so they're ready to be sent to wars and be possibly killed,
with their children already born!

Economically, it makes also much more sense to have babies early. Imagine you
have a son at 20, then you study till 24, start your business and develop it.
16 years later, your business has grown, like your 20 years old son, who can
then start working with you in the family business. 20 years later, your
grand-son is ready to start working with your and your son in your business,
and you're not even thinking in retirement yet!

So, you're 30. That's not too late, but I would say hurry, because soon you'll
start to feel tired, and also it will become more and more expensive, for a
guy, to find a woman in age of having babies about your same age: you will
have to find younger and younger a woman, and this is expensive. (Despite
menopause age being about 50 years old, women often cannot make healthy babies
after 30 or 35 years old).

So hurry! And good luck!

