
Ask HN: How do you find time for a side project while keeping your family happy? - throwaway713
Today my fiancée freaked out when I got home from work and told her I was going to a coffee shop to work on my side project&#x2F;startup idea.  I asked her what was wrong, and she said she had assumed that once we got married, I would come home every day and eat dinner with her and watch TV.  She asked, &quot;Am I ever going to see you?  Are you going to be getting home at 9:00 PM every night?&quot;<p>The issue is that I finished grad school a little while ago, and she was used to me working on research in coffee shops for long hours each day.  But she thought once I finished my PhD, I would instead want to come home and just hang out around the house or go shopping with her.  Somewhere along the way, there was a miscommunication, and it needs to be fixed now.  (It also doesn&#x27;t help that she just quit her rather time-consuming job, so now she doesn&#x27;t have anything to do all day.)<p>The problem is that I can&#x27;t focus on anything with just a few spare hours of time here and there.  The granularity of productive work for me is 6 to 8 hour chunks (heck, it takes at least an hour and a half to even get into a project).  But dinner at 7 PM would be right in the middle of the most productive time of the evening, so how do I work around this?<p>She seemed frazzled and on the verge of tears, so of course I&#x27;m going to do whatever I need to to make sure she is happy, but I&#x27;d rather not have to give up my side projects.  I feel like those hours are the only &quot;me&quot; time I have anymore (time that is conducive to my mental health no less).  Is anyone in a similar situation?  How do you handle this?
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Eridrus
If you can find a job that lets you work on things that interest you, you will
likely have a smaller desire to work on side projects. Easier said than done
though.

You gotta eat at some point, so I'd at least try to find a way to eat
together; maybe do your side projects from home rather than a coffee shop.

Personally I handle this by doing my best to avoid my computer on weekends and
trying to get out of the apartment together, which is mostly working for me,
but YMMV.

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mattbgates
Holy. Oh boy, you are in a similar situation to me.

When you are single, you want to be in a relationship. When you are not, you
kind of miss that time. The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side.

But it doesn't mean it's always better.

I work with my girl. Every day. I have worked with her every day for the past
7 years. I see her almost every moment of every day. However, here is the
distinction: being next to her and spending time with her are two very
different things in their minds. In my mind, we just spent the entire day
together. In her mind, we spent no time together at all.

And its true on both accounts.

She has said those very same words to me: "When do I get to spend time with
you?" And I've thought, "We've been together all day, literally."

So lets get down to the facts:

\- At one point, you would do anything for this woman.

\- At one point, you would give up every waking moment for this woman.

\- At one point, you loved this woman so much, she was all that mattered.

Now, reality does set in, the honeymoon phase wears off. And despite what some
women think: Men do not always want to be thinking about sex. I wish I could
have a day or two or even a week of just not thinking about it at all. And
there are days, where I'm really just not in the mood.

And of course, the reality is... men do need their own time without feeling
overwhelmed or crowded.

Lets get down to what you need to do and what I am still learning.

This woman loves you. She WANTS to spend time with you. If you don't want to
spend time with her, she will find a man who does.

So in a way, you must compromise.

If you have free time on the weekends, take her out, take her out on a date,
go to the movies with her. Make it interesting. Show her you still want to do
things with her and enjoy her company.

On the weekdays, tell her you have to work, but you want some time for your
side projects as well.

Communication is key here. I would keep it as an open discussion.

Instead of telling her _how it is_ or how _you think it should be_ , say
something like, "I love you so much and I want to spend time with you and just
being in your company makes me so happy. You I know I work all day, and I come
home, and I would really like to focus on a few side projects that I have in
mind. I wish there were more hours in a day to focus on some of those
additional projects. I have a dilemma: I want to devote my time to you, but I
also want to explore these side projects too. When do you think it be alright
for me to work on those projects?"

She also should have some hobbies. I have noticed this: I have more "hobbies"
than she does in regards to side projects. She, however, loves making things
with wood and works on a lot of house projects. I end up assisting her and
helping her, which gives us some time together, but I'm more interested in
doing my own side projects, than house projects. HOWEVER, this too, must be a
compromise. Her house projects are not just "her projects", they are mine too,
because they really do make the house look better.

I am the best friend and pretty much the only friend my girl has. She doesn't
try to make friends. She doesn't care to make friends. I must accept this. I
too, hardly have any friends, and any free time I have .. I just want to spend
it by myself working on my side projects.

Now... you are just trying to establish dialogue. Some women may get upset
over the miscommunication and think you don't want to spend time with them.
But she must understand too: you work all day. Of course, you want to spend
time with her, but you also want a few hours just to focus on some of your own
hobbies.

In my own relationship, here is kind of what we have done:

I get home from work, I do spend at least a half hour to an hour with her,
just spending time with her, talking to her, and getting into the mindset of
being home. We unwind. I tend to lie in bed with her, we'll watch television.
We'll chat about work and other things going on, and she loves her rubbings.
Occasionally, it does lead to some romance time. I wish it was more often, but
its something that just comes with any relationship... its not as "vibrant" as
it was in the beginning. Afterwards, when I see she is falling asleep, I focus
on my own projects.

Advice: don't immediately run to your side projects after work.

Because I am a "rocker" (I rock back and forth which helps me concentrate),
she has said it wakes her up and bothers her, so we agreed that after she
falls asleep, I am free to go downstairs on the couch and work on what I need
to work on. I usually get 2-3 hours before I get exhausted and return back to
bed. So I'm usually coding from 1 or 2 AM to 5 AM and then I sleep until about
11 AM, at which point, we have some time, about 4 hours, to get some errands
done before work starts.

Here is an interesting thing to realize: we are programmers. They see us on
the computer. What they think we're doing is just surfing Facebook or
something useless, so they think that time is just time we could be spending
with them. However, if we were gamers, they would see us physically playing a
game, and realize: Oh he's doing something. You have to get it into her mind
that YOU are DOING SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE that isn't just wasting time on a
computer.

For my girl: I had to drill it into her head -- I am not just making programs
for the helluvit and I am not avoiding you. Sure, I created a free program or
two.. and she understood I was learning. Now I am trying to work on SaaS
applications that will bring us extra income since we are, unfortunately,
floating in a mountain of debt that isn't going away fast on our salaries.
What I try to do: I involve her in the testing phases. She helps me test it
out, tells me what's wrong, tells me what can or needs to be changed, etc.
This definitely helps me and her because we are a team and I am able to
include her in things I am doing as well.

She just wants to spend time with you. So make sure you fulfill her needs, but
you are still human and have your own needs too.. sometimes you will want that
attention from her and other times.. just to be left alone to focus on your
activities. Communicate and compromise. You both can figure something out.

~~~
throwaway713
Wow, thanks for the great, well-written reply! I really like your advice,
particularly the idea of not rushing into side projects immediately when I get
home and also letting her know what I'm working on. Where I asked her what she
thought I was doing on the computer the other day, she replied "I don't know,
Facebook or Youtube?" See I think context is a lot of it.

