
Ask HN: How do you make friends in a new city? - guico
If you want a lover there&#x27;s Tinder, clubs, etc. If you want business connections, there&#x27;s Meetup, Linkedin, networking events, etc. What do you do if you just want to find people of any gender to become friends with?
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Jtsummers
Assuming you have a day job (ie, an office where you'll meet and socialize
with people even if it's limited):

Invite them out, accept their invitations. You don't have to become friends.
Get to know their friends and friends' friends. You'll click with someone,
start inviting them out to things or over and accept their invites.

Create opportunities for people to be social with you. Go to a bar or
restaurant that hosts trivia, attend regularly. Chat with the other teams,
invite people you meet to join you.

If that doesn't interest you, find other activities. Go to movies (with dinner
before/after since movies aren't really social), host a movie night, board
games, set up a hiking group, or find one to join.

One thing I've learned, I have to take the initiative to invite people. And I
can't turn down invitations when I've first met people. If I meet someone and
sort of hit it off, but turn down their invites to activities, I'm not going
to be invited to join them again (or I'm less likely to be). But when I invite
people, I'm generous about re-inviting people who turn me down. I throw out
invites to 10-30 people for events, and I may only get 5 to go.

At some point the relationship will become a real friendship, not based on
doing activities together. But you have to start somewhere.

~~~
guico
I really think this captures it - you need to be the driving force if you're
the one who feels like you want to make friends. Do you ever find yourself
thinking "why does it always have to be me inviting/organizing events"?
Meaning, it can be demoralizing to put in that effort and feel like it's not
"sticking" in the sense of real friendships coming out of it, or at least
invites back.

But on a more positive note, from everything I've done I also think this kind
of positive, magnet-like attitude is the way to go. It's almost like you have
to go cross ways with 500 people in order to squeeze out 1 or 2 friends, so
you need to speed up that process. Is that how you feel?

~~~
Jtsummers
That's a good way of looking at it.

And yeah, sometimes it can be demoralizing when people don't show to something
I've put a lot of time into. But that's also why I've learned how to find
easier social events to plan. The town I live in does a First Friday thing
(more live music, art exhibits, etc.). I just throw the invite out to a bunch
of people, if they show they show. Same for movies and other things. At some
point a small "inner circle" or whatever forms, that's the group that'll stick
around for a while. Some may just be more into going out, others will be close
friends. But at least you've got the group started. It'll grow from there,
especially if you can find a couple more socially outgoing people who enjoy
planning.

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Phithagoras
Anything that is a hobby/subculture in your city is usually a hotbed for new
friends. Someone mentioned skateboarding. Add BMX, rock climbing, skiing,
BDSM, dog breeding, knitting, paleolithic tool making, amateur orchestra, and
many others. Sooner or later you'll probably meet some people that you get
along pretty well with

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duiker101
Sports are a great way for me since you already will have one thing in common
with the people there are there's a lot of opportunities for bonding.
Volunteering is another great one. Meetup is not necessarily all business,
there's plenty of hobby meetups.

~~~
guico
Doesn't that require that you already learned a certain sport in the past, in
order to have something to start with? My issue is rather that I focused too
much in kinds of sport in the past that don't really lend themselves to
socializing (like swimming or just going to the gym).

Would you just try a new sport and meet people there? How would you even find
people that do a certain sport?

~~~
itsgonbetrouble
If I can ask, how long have you been living in the new city for? What reason
did you move over for?

You can definitely find friends at the gym, find someone of a similar size to
you and ask them to be gym buddies. Don't weird them out, make sure to shower
and get your hair done before =profit?

~~~
guico
Moved in for work almost 4 years ago. So, not exactly a "new city" but still
feels that way. Thanks for the tips

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crediblewitness
I've met some great friends through technical meetups. The connections you
make there don't have to be strictly professional

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Zekio
hacker spaces / maker spacers can be a pretty good place if you are a hacker /
maker looking for friends with similar interests

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ianceicys
Go to a Church?

~~~
mickelsen
As a former catholic, this community component around the church (any of the
mainstream sort) is something that new religions like Crossfit, Apple or indie
festivals simply can't beat. There are also many volunteering activities and
connecting in that context, if you are observant, you can get to know quality
people. It's a hit or miss though, depending on your town.

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Toabaen
If you want true friends just buy skateboard

~~~
guico
And just show up at the place in your city where they hang out? How will they
welcome (or not) a total newbie?

~~~
duiker101
I gotta agree with the parent, skateboarders are very welcoming and you might
have a blast even as total new skateboarder.

