

Ask HN: What does breakdown feel like? - ch49

Those who&#x27;ve gone through it, how does it feel like?<p>I am in a situation strange to me; I don&#x27;t know if it&#x27;s a breakdown. I actually overworked for past 7 months or so (18 hours on extreme days, 8-10+ on average), and now I can&#x27;t write code. I don&#x27;t want to. Something in me has given up something. It&#x27;s like a ship is stuck in middle of very peaceful sea with no water or wind current whatsoever. I have little money left but I don&#x27;t care about it. Nothing is motivating me ahead. Learning something new always work as an escape plan for me, but even that is not working. I don&#x27;t want to play games or read sci-fi or anything that want me to move a finger. I am lying in my bed all day long doing nothing.<p>What shall I make of this situation? Is this what people call breakdown? Or am I out of fuel for good? I don&#x27;t see any exit myself; sometime I get frustrated with myself and want to end everything (for a man self is the world). But I don&#x27;t.<p>I used to really really love programming; I have spent 70% of my life in front of my computer since I got one of my own (about 5 years ago). It was always fun, I was never tired or bored. About 7 month ago I got a big project (I used to make small apps&#x2F;websites for pocket money earlier) and I started giving it my all. It brought me even bigger project from same client (also my mentor); I gave it my all too (spent 10+ hours a day on it). And the third project I got from same client is even bigger. For about a two months, I worked on it with full dedication. Then for past month, I started slowing down. But I still pushed. And then suddenly I couldn&#x27;t think clear. All of a sudden the project wasn&#x27;t interesting at all. I used to love it when I started. I am physically well now, can think clear. But I still can&#x27;t code. I don&#x27;t know why.<p>I&#x27;ve always loved programming, and the fact that I am not doing it for no reason is killing me.
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patio11
That sounds like burnout, and possibly depression. It does get better. I went
through a _very_ bad bout of it in 2010 (my last 6 months at the day job prior
to quitting was a 90+ hour a week death march) and lost essentially six months
after quitting. (I did an honest week of work over the entire interval, and
only clearly remember two days of it.) I have had a struggle or two with
depression since then but late 2010 through now were the best years of my
life, by quite a lot.

I'd encourage you to see a professional, and re-connect with the things you
like in the world that aren't working. Also, it was a big surprise to me, but
the guys saying Exercise And Diet Matter were actually right all those years.
I know your body is saying "Go to the gym? Oh, eff that, there's a perfectly
good bed right here." but if you can force yourself to do it every day, even
for 15 or 20 minutes to start, it does a world of good.

~~~
petervandijck
If you like walks, force yourself to go for a 1-hour walk every day for a
week. Even better if the walk is together with a friend you can chat with.

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josemwarrior
I have gone through the same situation. If you let it go like I did, get
worse. Believe it or not, you're going through depression. Things I advise you
to do and you will not do:

\- Most importantly, go visit a professional, one who specializes in emotional
intelligence. \- Make sports more than half an hour a day every day. \- Switch
to a healthy diet, no snuff, no alcochol, and low in sugar. \- Lower the
workload or leave it for a few months. \- Give yourself time, and changes of
activities, places and people.

By doing these steps you will again be the same. If you need anything you can
contact me.

~~~
ch49
Thanks for your comment.

I don't know if I can get professionals who specialise in emotional
intelligence here in Bangalore (India). Most psychiatrists I can see online
have "drug rehab" like words highlighted.

More physical activity is what I gonna do next (will join a gym next morning).
Changing activities is something I wonder how I can do. I spend almost all my
time on computer, it has never been a problem until now. And I have changed
places a 3 months back. I came from my home to Bangalore dreaming of a city
overflowing with tech geeks (although all I could find were people doing their
"jobs"). And I don't think I can leave it for few months, I am 100% on my own
in this city; in a month I will run out of funds and have to get myself fit
for work before that happens.

> If you need anything you can contact me.

Thanks. Your words are enough, I think I am the only one who can do something
about anything else I need.

~~~
josemwarrior
Good luck! If I dont misunderstand you, the only thing that you will do is
make sport...that doesn't look enough, but if work for you, nice.

------
DanBC
> sometime I get frustrated with myself and want to end everything (for a man
> self is the world). But I don't.

Thoughts like this are very worrying. Ease reach out to a friend or family and
talk to them. If it's possible please seek meic help for this.

In England you can call your GP. Or you can self refer to your local Mental
Health services -- do a wh search for the name of your county and "IAPT"
(improved access to psychological therapies).

------
pacey
On OSDC '08 there was a lightning talk being held about depression and
burnout. As a later step, the Bluehackers.org Group has been established.

This cannot replace the help from a professional but they provide good reads /
resources on the subject.

HTH - You're not alone!

[http://bluehackers.org/howto](http://bluehackers.org/howto)

~~~
ch49
Thanks for the pointer. I highly appreciate that.

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JCJoverTCP
having been recently beset with some really bad life things, i seek solace in
my son who is my best friend, inspiration, and reason for living. a few
minutes with him, and i am ok for a while. but mostly after being screwed so
many times in the past few years by jobs, infosec industry, ... its hard to
wake up happy just waiting for the other shoe to drop. constantly looking over
my shoulder waiting for something bad to happen is not a fun way to live, but
at least i realize the trigger.

this is my own depression and i am going to just put it out there that you
have your own depression too. take it one day at a time, get comfort from the
little things.

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MalcolmDiggs
This sounds like a matter for a professional. If you've got health insurance
there might be a certain amount covered under your plan. I've seen
psychologists in the past and it did a world a good. If for no other reason
than it helps you understand yourself better.

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davelnewton
But you're _not_ not doing it for no reason; you have burnout, because you
crammed too much of it into too short of a time.

Pace yourself; the race goes not to the swift but those who endure.

Delta the occasional sprint.

~~~
ch49
I am not sure if it's a burnout. I am perfectly sound physically. I had a
small period of time when I couldn't think clear, it spanned 2-3 weeks though
so may be can't call it small; I barely remember few memories of that time.
But it was 3 months back and I snapped out of it as soon as I got physically
well and was as productive as I am normally.

Now although I am physically sound, I am unable to concentrate. I can't focus
for no apparent physical reason other than this feeling of too bored to live.
May be I am actually depressed, and should go get some counselling.

~~~
davelnewton
"Burnout" applies just as much to the brain as the body... as if they're
different things.

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codewritinfool
Sounds like depression to me, but I'm not a doctor. Go see one.

