
Most male managers are afraid to have one-on-one meetings with female employees - turtlegrids
https://www.businessinsider.com/sheryl-sandberg-60-of-male-managers-unreasonably-avoid-women-2019-5
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ve55
I've noticed a similar effect in the personal dating scene from speaking with
males privately, that they are more likely to avoid many scenarios that
otherwise would have been standard attempts at relationship progression or
initiation. That is, after performing a very rough risk/benefit analysis, they
decide it's easier just to do nothing and stay single indefinitely instead.

~~~
jokoon
Women are known to be filters. That's why they occupy hr positions, and
they're encouraged to behave like filters.

Recently got interviewed by a man who worked as a recruiter, and I felt more
empathy, more calm, less uppity.

Maybe men are on the defensive, but maybe men are more capable to handle a
potentially stressful discussion with a man because they have the same gender.
Same dynamic might apply for women interviewing women.

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tbirrell
If you play with fire, you get burned. When a simple accusation (not
conviction, mind you) can end a man's career, why risk it?

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gremlinsinc
A couple easy solutions.

1\. Hire a female exec to be the liason to handle all 1:1 w/ women. 2\. Record
everything to ensure there can be no reporting as long as you're truly not
being a dick. 3\. Bring a woman into the room, and be open that you're wanting
to be a safe space for women, then have an anonymous 'suggestion' tool where
they can give feedback on how you behaved, and have the same tool have a spot
where people could single out others for 'improvement', and the message will
ONLY be read by that individual so as not to incite fear of retaliation - but
sometimes people say things off the cuff and aren't aware it offends others.

I'm on the 'spectrum' and filtering is sometimes hard for us. If someone says
woah buddy that's offensive, I feel shitty for a day or two about it and I
don't do it again. I appreciate when people bring things to my attention where
I can change/become better - even if it feels uncomfortable for a bit.

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_bxg1
The problem, from what I can tell, is that many men only understand hard
rules. It used to be that if you had good intentions, you could follow a clear
set of (flawed) social rules and you were "safe". But there aren't clear rules
to distinguish between flirting and minor harassment; the difference isn't
based on exactly which words are said, but on understanding what another
person is and isn't feeling. Navigating those lines requires emotional
intelligence, and lots of men have underdeveloped emotional intelligence, and
are used to relying on do's and don'ts in its place. In today's climate, those
people are basically navigating a mine field without a metal detector. So it's
understandable that they would just avoid the field altogether.

I think this is mostly a social problem - for a long time men simply weren't
taught emotional intelligence while they were growing up. There's definitely
been some progress made lately, but that doesn't help past generations. I
don't know what the solution is for those people, but right now everyone's
talking past each other and I think it's because this hasn't been articulated.
Can emotional nuances even really scale to professional contexts? I don't
know. Maybe. I sympathize with people who have had uncomfortable experiences
within the existing set of social guidelines, but maybe what we need is a new
set of rules for those settings. The fact is that there are men out there who
want to do the right thing, but suddenly find its precise definition
bewildering and hard to follow. If something can be done to alleviate that, it
should be.

For the record: the above only covers men who find themselves under fire
despite good intentions. There are absolutely others who consciously and
systematically abuse women. Though Harvey Weinstein hasn't been officially
convicted yet, the evidence is strong that he's one of the latter. The
problem, though, is that the public conversation lumps the two categories
together.

~~~
belltaco
That's a good point but it's also that women tend to vary a lot when it comes
to what's acceptable and what's not. Also the same woman may see things
differently based on current mood.

~~~
_bxg1
> women tend to vary a lot when it comes to what's acceptable and what's not

In literal terms perhaps, but not in emotional terms. You can pick up on what
a person is and isn't comfortable with, what is and isn't solicited, etc. The
tricky thing, for some people, is that these usually aren't spelled out letter
by letter. A stranger at a bar and a colleague in your workplace may have very
different definitions of acceptable behavior, but the ways they communicate it
are going to be more or less the same.

> the same woman may see things differently based on current mood

That seems inaccurate and honestly sexist. But more importantly, as above, the
signals will still work the same way, even if the things being signaled
change.

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username_taco
It seems obvious to me that even the meToo moments that lived in gray areas
were still the result of failed romantic connections or overt sexual comments
or actions. No one is being fired or lambasted in the court of public opinion
for being in the same private room and having adult conversations about work
with a woman. This is not a nuanced issue - treat women professionally and
like equals, don’t talk about politics or sex in the office and you’re golden.
To make this more complicated than that let’s men off the hook and excuses
unprofessional behavior in the workplace.

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king-rat
If you are a manager and "afraid of what it would look like" to have a 1:1
meeting with any of your employees, then you are a terrible manager. It is not
a universal constant that all conversations gravitate towards sex. Just
discuss what is relevant to the meeting, address the employee's concerns,
rinse, repeat. Treat all employees as individuals and assets to your team, not
as potential romantic interests. It's really not that hard to keep a
professional demeanor in a 1:1 setting.

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humantiy
You could argue this is one benefit of open floor plan offices. Meet in the
open with your employees.

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dominotw
can these meetings happen in room that can be recorded on camera? Seems like a
simple solution.

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tylermac1
I would think a simpler solution would be to maybe not be a creep?

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BigBlueBanjo
Yes, because only the guilty ever get accused.

~~~
jonathankoren
It’s a very very rare occurance. On par, or even less, than false accusations
to other crimes according to the FBI

[http://www.minnesotalawreview.org/2018/11/men-fear-false-
all...](http://www.minnesotalawreview.org/2018/11/men-fear-false-allegations-
women-fear-sexual-misconduct-assault-and-rape/)

~~~
belltaco
That does not show many people have been fired, denied promotions, or have had
warnings etc. based on accusations.

~~~
jonathankoren
Well given that 2% of all accusations are false, I'd say 98% of these fired
for harassment had it coming.

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ptah
should start "almost as many male managers as female employees"

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funkythingsss
This is what #meetoo has come to. The genders being afraid of each other.
Thanks, social media. Social media just removes any and all possibilities of
nuance and makes people angry

~~~
bifrost
Its not just social media that has this effect... I think thats the point of
this article.

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mutzp
They can do what university professors are already told to do: make sure to
leave the door open.

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jdsully
Makes it real hard to discuss career progression.

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beart
What? An open door doesn't mean you are shouting your conversation out of it.

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jdsully
People are a lot less candid with the door open. If a boss feels comfortable
with the door closed with some employees and not others, the ones with the
door closed will get more "insider" information and have an advantage.

Sometimes its about things you need to improve on and they don't want to
embarrass you in front of others. Other-times you need to communicate that you
are ineffective due to some personal issue. And still more are times when
"unwritten" rules you didn't pick up on are being shared with you to help you
navigate the bureaucracy.

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riccardopa
I’m getting pretty sick of repeats of this ersatz story.

Maybe they should use their brains? (Instead of “growing some balls” I mean)

