
Ask HN: Relocating across the country and the stress is killing me - kadabra9
I recently accepted a job at a large tech company out west. I live on the East Coast and have done so my whole life. Lately the prospect of taking all of my stuff and moving across the country has begun to seem, well, terrifying to me.<p>The company I&#x27;ll be working for is taking care of &#x2F; paying for the relocation, so no concerns there. I&#x27;m mostly just stressed out about the whole process, the idea of uprooting my life, and all the thrash that is involved. My girlfriend and dog also cannot join me out west right away, she will need to wait until the spring to come out so that adds another layer of complications.<p>- HNers who have relocated across the country for a job - how did it turn out? How did you handle it?<p>- Do you have any tips for planning&#x2F;making the process easier for someone doing it for the first time? Is there anything you would have done differently?<p>- If you had a SO at the time you had to relocate, how did they handle it? How did you make it work?
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relaunched
I relocated from California to the Minneapolis. While my situation isn't
exactly the same, I think it still applies:

\- Don't focus on what things you love that aren't present in your new
location. Rather focus on what your new location has to offer and find new
things you love.

\- Establish your routines ASAP. If that means finding a gym, trails to run /
bike, meetups, etc. The busier you are, especially building a new life, the
better off you'll be.

\- Meet people at work. As the new person, others oftentimes make invitations
/ gestures. Come to my house for dinner, let's grab lunch, etc. Take them up
on those offers. Nothing makes you feel more at home than having friends, or
less at home than not having them.

\- It's not just you. Your girlfriend needs to feel like she's building a new
home. Encourage her to do the aforementioned things too; as well as try to
make invitations to dinner / activities opportunities for your gf connect as
well.

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SmellTheGlove
I'm in the exact same boat, except wife+daughter instead of gf+dog! I'm pretty
stressed and anxious, particularly with a soon to be vacant home layered on
top, beginning right in the thick of a Maine winter.

I'm just putting my head down and trying to take one step at a time, knowing
that I'll be pretty excited once we're settled in SF. I've done a corporate
move once before, albeit just up the coast, but I can tell you that it will
start to feel better as you lay out a plan. Figure out the big stuff - for me,
I have a 3rd car to get rid of, a contractor has me by the balls on snow
removal/lawn service, and we need to figure out what's coming with us and
what's staying here - meaning we have to figure out if the place will be
vacant/a vacation home, rented (vacant or furnished), or sold at some point.
For me, I'm trying to get our heads around those big pieces, and once they're
settled the rest will seem pretty doable. Oh, and finding a place to live. We
gotta do that too. Knowing my new address will really help settle things.

No way around the stress, but every once in a while, think about the
opportunity and why you chose the new city. Moving always sucks, but there's
usually a good reason we decided to do it.

~~~
kadabra9
Great advice. I've written more to-do lists and checklists in the past 3
months than I have in the past 10 years. Room inventories, flights to book,
moving checklists, it never stops.

And you're right about the opportunity. I keep telling myself that one day I
will be settled into my new place, with everything behind me and thinking
about that is whats keeping me going.

~~~
SmellTheGlove
> And you're right about the opportunity. I keep telling myself that one day I
> will be settled into my new place, with everything behind me and thinking
> about that is whats keeping me going.

By the way, if you're going to SF, drop me an email (in my profile). We might
as well go get beer or coffee or something if we're both new in town.

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jrowley
I'm afraid I'm not going to answer many of your questions but I am going to
say some stuff still:

It may be stressful but try to embrace the change and remain positive. Take it
as an opportunity to reevaluate other things in life if possible e.g. how much
physical stuff you need in your life and if that stuff makes you happy. Change
and hardship/being uncomfortable is good for you in moderation and trains you
to weather bigger storms you may encounter later in life.

The bay area is a fantastic place to live, especially for a young person in
tech, so try to remain positive although I can understand where you are coming
from, and your stress is totally reasonable. The climate out here (both
physical environment and cultural) is fantastic, be sure to seek it out. Good
luck and congrats on the change!

~~~
kadabra9
thanks! i keep telling myself that I need to step outside my comfort zone to
grow, and something like a cross country move is a prime example of it. Still,
when I realize that I am moving thousands of miles away in a month, it really
stresses me out. The whipsaw of emotions is killing me. I get that it's
natural and to be expected, but doesnt make it any easier.

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potta_coffee
I relocated for a job. It was a huge pain in the ass, and my situation was
similar - my family had to wait for the house to sell to come join me. She
packed while I was away, when the house sold I flew back to help her load up a
U-Haul and we drove back together (my move was only about 1k miles so not
across country).

It was an incredibly stressful process but we did it. Then I found out that my
employer was a liar and a psychopath, I left that job after only six months.
So why did I move? It worked out though because I found a better gig only two
days later.

TLDR: Moving is hard, and plans usually don't work out the way you expect them
to. Advice - be as flexible as possible.

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apohn
I'm married and was in the same situation a few years ago. My SO moved with me
- she didn't wait. There are some positives from your SO not being able to
move out until later in the year.

The first 3 months of a job can be tough. Adding a new location means you have
things changing at work and at home. You're adjusting to everything. It can be
easier to do this when you're alone since you can de-prioritize certain
things. For example, you might have to stay late frequently in the beginning
so you can onboard faster. It's easier to do this if you are on your own and
don't have your SO who needs support because they are also adjusting to
everything new.

When this situation happened to me, I realized in the first 30 days that the
job environment had been totally misrepresented and was horrible. We had moved
from a low/medium CoL area to a high CoL area. My spouse had moved with me and
was looking for work. The move had been tough because we had to downsize in a
major way. We were tired, frustrated, and struggling to wrap out minds around
the vastly increased CoL, even though I had gotten a solid salary increase.
Then I came home and said "This job is awful, I made a mistake." Since the
company had moved us with a clawback, the money had already been spent and we
would have to pay it back if I left.

We both realized that moving together had been a mistake. I had to be onsite,
but the company that hired me had given me a year to move my home. I could
have rented a studio apartment and moved/purchased just enough to live a basic
life. Then I could have easily switched jobs or moved back without thinking
about the clawback or all the energy we had put into moving. I ended up
staying in that job until the clawback amount dropped enough that we were okay
with paying back a portion. I hate being away from my spouse, but what
happened was far more stressful for both of us.

Don't take what I say as a warning about your job. I provide my experience to
say that there are positives to moving alone and having some of that risk
mitigated by your SO having a secure base where you are now. If you are
committed to each other you'll be fine.

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SirLJ
I have relocated across the globe before, so the key is to get your SO with
you right away and treat it as an adventure... New city, start afresh, it is
just great... If you cannot have SO with you, maybe it is a no go...

~~~
kadabra9
SO will be joining me, but she can't move out west for 2-3 months after my
start date. We have visits planned but those 2-3 monhts will be tough.

~~~
SirLJ
Yes, I got it the first time, but this is not a good plan... you have to be
together to share the experience... just call the company and postpone it...

