
Is Loneliness a Health Epidemic? - dpflan
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/02/09/opinion/sunday/loneliness-health.html
======
oldcynic
Interesting. No one has yet mentioned today's lack of community.

We don't share a sense of place any more, we move around from job to job,
families spread around the country or globe. We rarely share an emotional
connection and sense of place with our neighbours that our grandparents would
have known. We haven't even kept the sense of virtual community that the BBS's
had - social networks amplify dissent and engagement, _not_ friendship and
connection.

That's before you get to the amount of divorce and people living alone, with
less and less free time or money outside of work.

I'm not the least bit surprised loneliness is becoming a global epidemic.

~~~
hliyan
Agreed. Perhaps this is not exactly what you meant, but I do feel that shared
spaces are shrinking and private spaces are expanding. I found this particular
quote from The Atlantic quite telling:

"The United States is in some ways becoming a medieval society, in which
people live and work in the modern equivalent of castles--gated communities,
apartment buildings with doormen, and office buildings with guards--and try to
shield themselves while traveling between them. They do this by riding in
sport-utility vehicles, which look armored, and by trying to appear as
intimidating as possible to potential attackers." \- Keith Bradsher

[https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2017/11/suvs-
and...](https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2017/11/suvs-and-
trust/547076/)

~~~
jchrisa
Sell your car and start biking year round. You won't be lonely for long.

~~~
heedlessly3
this guy clearly lives in the city. Some people live in the suburbs where cars
are needed to commute to work

~~~
irrational
Well, I live in the suburbs and ride my bike to and from work. Though my work
is just 2 miles from my house. However, the vast majority of time I see nobody
(other than people in cars) while riding my bike, so I'm not exactly sure what
OP means by bike riding being a way to not be lonely.

------
hestipod
I am incredibly lonely. Health and financial circumstances pushed me into the
worst possible social situation...isolated in rural unconnected America where
the only two people I regularly see resent me and it has had a severely
negative effect on my already miserable health over the years. Being middle
aged it magnifies the issue as it's harder to connect as you age anyway due to
life's progression. I saw huge numbers of older people in my previous work who
were so terribly alone. It's hard enough when young.

A "remote social life" is not even close to the same thing and chats online or
the phone with "disposable friends" and strangers who have a clear and easy
disconnect from your real life don't fill the hole a lack of enduring, present
human contact leaves and usually take precious energy with no real benefit.
Even though I am an extremely introverted person by most standards I still
need social connection to thrive and have felt the best living in big cites
with lots of options but I can't find a way back.

~~~
doughj3
> A "remote social life" is not even close to the same thing and chats online
> or the phone with "disposable friends" and strangers who have a clear and
> easy disconnect from your real life don't fill the hole a lack of enduring,
> present human contact leaves and usually take precious energy with no real
> benefit.

Maybe this is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Anecdotally, I and others I know
have formed deep, meaningful relationships with people online. I think the
hardest part of that is finding small communities - i.e, it's hard to make
meaningful connections in a sub-reddit filled with 100,000 people, but in
niche forums and chatrooms, with userbases in the dozens, I think it's much
more feasible.

~~~
hestipod
I've been in this situation to worsening degrees for 15 years...It really
upsets me to hear people say I am causing it (self fulfilling) or not doing it
right. I am glad you were able to make connections online...it's not something
that replaces that need in me. I need real life face to face interaction. It
is also farther down the list than my immediate problems and having a new
friend is not going to fix my life or even make it bearable right now...I know
for some people solidarity in suffering helps but relationships of any kind
drain me with all thats going on and I have to ration my energy. The loss of
connections is just another effect of my major issues that piles on and
without addressing those the rest can't change.

Sorry if I sound rude...I don't intend it. It's just so hard to hear the same
"just get a hobby" or "just make friends online" or "you must just be doing it
wrong since it works for me" stuff repeatedly. If it were something that
worked for me I'd be doing it because this life is pure misery for me from
most all angles.

~~~
doughj3
You don't come off as rude and I didn't mean to imply you're causing it; sorry
if my comment was upsetting. I was trying to point out that it's easy to get
stuck in your kind of situation and become, for lack of a better word,
pessimistic. Obviously everyone is different and, as you say, "online
socialization" may just not fill that need for you (and others). Given the
situation of relative isolation physically / geographically ("rural
unconnected America"), I was only trying to offer the idea that connecting to
people online can be possible for some, though it does take time and effort
which may be hard to expend after years of feeling there is no return on that
investment. Again, apologies if I painted with too broad a brush.

~~~
hestipod
I'm not a programmer, cryptographer, sysadmin etc but I like tech and find
this site refreshing because of the politeness and respect in interactions
like this one. I can apologize and it will be taken at face value, and someone
can apologize to me and its sincere. I've been missing that sort of mature
intellectual/emotional honesty in interaction irl and online for a long time.
So thanks :)

~~~
shrimp_emoji
>I'm not a programmer, cryptographer, sysadmin etc

WELL THERE'S YOUR PROBLEM!

I'm a latecomer to two of those three things, but they're tremendous specs for
shut-ins! Due to tons of moving, the most and best friends I've ever had have
been people online, so maybe my psyche is too warped to feel the lack of
physical interaction. In fact, I think the real world is a terrible place[0],
and my ability to express myself is much greater here. But online social life
is much like real life social life; friends come and go, enemies are eternal,
and, if you don't try to meet new people, making new connections becomes
harder. Enter programming and _nerd stuff_. I've become more disconnected from
my online friends, most of them non-technical, as I sank deeper in an _online_
introversion of stuff they can't relate to like makefiles and Linux. I've
become less interested in things that _aren 't_ those things, eroding our
common ground. I can't even hold conversations anymore unless they're about
how awful Gnome 3 is! Conversely, contact with the VERY FEW nerdy friends I've
had and still find is higher than ever, but that's a small crowd. And they
can't like me that much because most of them are smarter than me, so all I do
is leech them for knowledge, which is not how you build a healthy
relationship, hesti -- it's gotta be a symmetric take AND give!

But they don't have to like me; I like them, and I'm locked in an eternal
struggle of autism to feel several human emotions.

[0] [https://youtu.be/Ctryg4zg8FU](https://youtu.be/Ctryg4zg8FU)

~~~
anthk
OpenBSD user here.

A lot of people in Spain hang out by appearance, to show. Even a lot of people
do this at bars to drink or have fake talks about soccer so they are not seed
as nerds/freaks.

There is a lot of hypocrisy in society.

I would like to be more North-European: just hang out by pleasure, not from
habit doing it meaningless.

------
tabeth
Loneliness might be the logical conclusion to a society going more and more
towards metrics. Likes, dislikes, upvotes, downvotes. Dissenters are punished,
perfection is idolized.

Research is pretty conclusive that to have tight friendships you need
vulnerability to some degree, yet if people want perfection that implies
_invulnerability_. If you accept these premises to be true, then it seems
loneliness is inevitable.

As an aside, I also think income inequality might lead to more loneliness.

~~~
cpsempek
_Research is pretty conclusive that to have tight friendships you need
vulnerability to some degree_

I have to admit I don't quite understand this sentence, especially how
research might define a "tight friendship" and "vulnerability". Can you
provide some information about said research? This topic interests me.

~~~
wccrawford
I don't think you can have a really, really tight bond with someone if you
never give them a chance to hurt you. If you don't share information about
yourself that they could use to hurt you, then you haven't actually trusted
them, and the bond you feel isn't as strong as it could be.

~~~
cpsempek
Yes, this makes sense as a hypothesis, it certainly feels right, but the
parent comment was referring to research establishing a relationship between
tight friendship and vulnerability. How are these things defined in such
research, measured, etc.? That is what I am unable to understand.

------
pmoriarty
I've been going to a lot of meetups (from meetup.com) in the past year, and
sadly I've come away pretty disappointed, for a number of reasons:

1 - I'm just not in the least bit interested in the overwhelming majority of
meetups out there. So there really aren't a lot of interesting meetups for me
to choose from.

2 - Way too many of the meetups are actually businesses in disguise. They're
looking to sell you a class or get you to pay admission for an event. This
might not be a big deal for someone with more disposable income, but it is
often a deal breaker for me.

3 - Most meetups meet for just the event itself, and everyone leaves right
afterwards, leaving no opportunity to interact with the people there.

4 - For the handful of a handful of meetups which are interesting, not
businesses in disguise, and actually leave some time for interaction
before/after the meetup: apart from the single shared interest that we all
presumably have in the subject of the meetup itself, the people you meet are
going to be pretty random and so the odds of making a genuine connection are
still going to be pretty low, in my experience, especially if you're shy.

5 - Usually you don't see these people again until the next meetup, which is
usually a month later. So you talk to these people maybe for an hour a month.
Not much of a chance to make a connection.

Overall, I just really haven't had much luck with meetups, in terms of making
friends. I've done better with dating sites, honestly. At least with those, I
can be pretty sure before I even go to meet someone that we have a whole bunch
of things in common, and can pretty quickly sense if there's some chemistry
between us, and if not just move on to the next person. It's harder to do that
with random people at meetups. Just my 2 cents.

~~~
mortenjorck
This has unfortunately been my experience with not just meetups, but other
things where common wisdom says you can make friends, like volunteering. I
volunteer every few weeks at a soup kitchen, but despite having done it for a
couple of years, none of my fellow volunteers have become more than casual
acquaintances.

~~~
CogitoCogito
In my experience, making friends at these sorts of things requires active
work. It might be active work by someone else, but usually you're not that
lucky. You usually need to really ask others if they'd like to meetup
yourself. Also you need to be very prepared for them not being interested
(like say dating) and be ready to hop to other groups/circles if necessary.
(Or even better, just fan out and meet many groups simultaneously and only
start going regularly if you meet people you like.)

I'm not saying that you're _not_ doing it or that this is easy (socially,
financially, temporally, etc.), but I do think it _is_ easy to just pass
through life as a bit of an outside observer, be it at work, volunteering, or
basically any other social engagement. (I guess this is what the main article
is all about...)

------
colmvp
I think loneliness is especially bad for men as we are prone to hide our
mental health and true feelings/emotions, not seek medical attention when we
need it, and generally have less intimate discussions with friends as compared
to women. So a lot of men end up suffering loneliness for a long period of
time without any emotional support.

It feels like one of those things which creeps on you, and before you know it,
you aren't attending social events, you don't have much energy or confidence,
your perception of others becomes skewed, and it all seems pretty helpless.

Regardless of whether its church or a weekly Meetup.com event or a
Recreational Sports League, there is an immense benefit to going somewhere
where one finds fulfillment while incrementally getting to know a community.
Just by showing up and not being a dick, strangers become friends, and often
times even more. It's something I always recommend to people in their 30s who
are finding it hard to make friends after college. My friend doesn't believe
in the Buddhist religion but has attended the same temple for many years, and
it's been incredibly helpful for him in terms of making strong social
connections.

~~~
drdeadringer
> It feels like one of those things which creeps on you, and before you know
> it, you aren't attending social events, you don't have much energy or
> confidence, your perception of others becomes skewed, and it all seems
> pretty helpless.

"How did you get lonely?"

"Gradually, then suddenly."

... I wonder if there aren't many aspects of life like this.

~~~
legulere
I checked this out as I heard the phrase before. "Gradually, then suddenly"
seems to be originally a quote from Hemmingway in The Sun Also Rises about
bankrupcy:

“How did you go bankrupt?" \- "Two ways. Gradually, then suddenly.”

It is quoted then in the context of depression in the movie Prozac Nation:

"Gradually, then suddenly." That's how depression hits. You wake up one
morning, afraid that you're gonna live.

~~~
trophycase
Interesting little piece of trivia. I'm on vacation and just finished reading
The Sun Also Rises 2 days ago and I'm now reading "The Awakening" by Kate
Chopin and just encountered this passage:

"They became intimate and friendly by imperceptible degrees, and then by
leaps."

Which reads very similar to the Hemmingway passage. Maybe he stole it ;)

------
ConstantineNash
I'm very introverted. That, and a couple of health issues, resulted in me
being alone during the past few years. I know it's not normal/healthy, but as
weird as it sounds, I don't feel unhappy. I enjoy being alone most of the
time, and during the rare moments when feel a bit lonely, standup comedy and
TV sitcoms make that feeling go away.

I spend my time writing, learning to code, working on my startup, listening to
audiobooks, practicing digital art. Most of the time I'm having fun and
enjoying myself (when health doesn't get in a way), though having a couple of
buddies would probably make my life better.

The fact that I live in russia doesn't help finding friends, I feel like all
the people I'd like to talk to live in the US/UK/Canada, not here. I
understand that rationally this can't be true, but I really have no idea where
to search for people I'd have a lot in common with. I like people on hacker
news and reddit, I like people who's blogs and books I read, I like people
who's youtube channels I watch, but I've never met anyone like that in "real
life".

I could put myself out there and go to meetups or courses until I find someone
I like, but the combination of introversion and the fact that my life is kinda
nice as it is, makes it feel like it's not worth the effort. Also I really
hope that I'll find a way to move elsewhere, so it's not like I'll build
lasting relationships here.

Maybe one day I'll move to NYC and end up getting my social life on point, but
meanwhile, my projects and the internet keep me pretty happy and satisfied.

~~~
david-cako
> I feel like all the people I'd like to talk to live in the US/UK/Canada, not
> here.

I know exactly what you mean. The internet means we become much more
accustomed to associating with people with similar interests. I have had a
similarly hard time, even having lived all over the US. It's just difficult,
especially when your interests are things that are very "independent" \--
computers, learning, music (at least for me, since it's not generally the type
you can go to a bar and listen to).

The people I'm closest to are all purely coincidental.

Try software competitions maybe? It's really the only place I can think of
where I've felt like I could get on with a large portion of the people, but
even then I still feel like I have a very different personality.

It's a vicious cycle. I consider myself pretty extroverted, but I just am
bored by most people. I'm sure everyone else who I might become friends with
has the same problem, and thus none of us ever meet.

------
taurath
Yes it is, especially in the US. A "successful" person lives in subdivisions,
cul-de-sacs, or nimby enclaves, we're in our cars most of the time to get
anywhere because everything is too far to walk except for exercise. There's
little expectation of shared culture other than the weather, and on top of
that there are very few spaces that people can mix together without sharing a
hobby.

If you go out to a suburban or rural area, you have 4 socializing options: the
grocery store (not very good for actually meeting people), the bar (if an
alcoholic and can afford it), the church (if religious), or the school (if you
have kids). Guess what happens to most 18-30 year olds with no kids in those
areas? They either move, become religious zealots, get addicted to drugs, have
a family at a young age with dicey economic prospects, or completely lose
themselves to video games. We need to create better, denser spaces where
culture and socialization can thrive in american towns and cities.

------
billysielu
If I wanted to be social I wouldn't even know where to start. There's nowhere
to go to hang out and meet people. Folks work and then go home and stay in
their houses (UK commuter town). The previous generation might have gone to
the pub (bar) but those have been turned into restaurants so even that doesn't
work anymore.

I even start thinking about going online as the best available option to be RL
social. _horror_

I think if we want people to be more social we need to create RL places for
them to go. Where everyone knows the score - you go to this place, hang out,
chat to each other, play a game, have a drink, have food, etc.

~~~
humanrebar
The previous generation also went to church. A sizable minority of the current
generations still do, though it seems to be impolite to discuss or recommend.

~~~
eeZah7Ux
Church attendance has been the biggest social event of the week for perhaps
the majority of people in Europe for perhaps the last 10 centuries.

Now that most people are fed up with dogmatism and theism the social aspect is
gone as a side effect.

We need a replacement.

An interesting experiment was carried out in the eastern block:
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Palace_of_Culture](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Palace_of_Culture)

~~~
marnett
> fed up with dogmatism and theism

I was raised religious. I too became entranced with seeking the truth;
however, secularism does not have the same 'social-networks as a side-effect'
institutions as religion does.

Many want to hate on religion, but even the religious would say enduring the
dogma for the kind, accepting social interactions that occur before and after
is just what one does.

------
factsaresacred
As a counter-point to the majority of great comments so far, I've been alone
for 18 months building an online business and haven't felt nearly as lonely as
I did working in my previous job and surrounded by people.

Physical Loneliness, i.e. unwelcome solitude, can be crushing. However there
exists a deeper, less visible loneliness as well. A mental isolation of one
from one's truth: a job one hates, a partner one no longer loves, friends one
has outgrown, a path one no longer wishes to thread.

At the end of the day, which is more painful—and more common—I wonder?

A quote from a truly beautiful article* on this subject springs to mind:

> Now and then, especially at night, solitude loses its soft power and
> loneliness takes over. I am grateful when solitude returns.

*[https://www.newyorker.com/culture/culture-desk/double-solitu...](https://www.newyorker.com/culture/culture-desk/double-solitude)

------
doughj3
Related listening from WBUR's On Point:

[http://www.wbur.org/onpoint/2018/01/23/the-loneliness-
epidem...](http://www.wbur.org/onpoint/2018/01/23/the-loneliness-epidemic)

Vivek Murthy, former surgeon general, answering to "Why is it important to use
that word (epidemic)?"

> We have used the word 'epidemic' to refer to infectious diseases that have
> spread in populations, but what we see with loneliness is that it is
> impacting far more people than many of the infectious diseases that we have
> worried about in the past that we have termed epidemics. So, you know, this
> is an epidemic just by virtue of the sheer number of people that this is
> impacting and how significantly it has spread in the population.

This one is a little older but also relevant:
[http://www.wbur.org/onpoint/2017/03/23/men-middle-age-
friend...](http://www.wbur.org/onpoint/2017/03/23/men-middle-age-friendship)

------
justaguyhere
The biggest rub is this - people say we don't put enough effort into
initiating/maintaining friendships, I've tried that. Maybe 1 in 10 appreciate
the effort, most people just don't care. I guess it is a numbers game.

I don't see any short or long term solution for this. It is only going to get
worse, with people spending more and more time to make less and less money and
constantly under stress. We should stop worshipping work (especially in the
U.S) as if that is the most important thing in life. Any time I see people
boasting about the number of hours they put in, it annoys me to no end.

------
dlevine
As a man in his 30's who has dealt with loneliness and mild depression on a
fairly Two things that I have found to be extremely helpful are:

1) See a therapist (when needed). Therapists have helped me to get out of some
of my roughest patches. Even in our society, there can be a lot of shame
associated with seeing a therapist, and I'll admit that I've avoided seeing
one in the past due to that shame. But it has definitely helped when I felt
stuck.

2) Join a men's group (if you're male). There are some great organizations
that have regular men's groups. It's powerful to meet regularly with a group
of men and having the chance to share your feelings and emotions and work
through issues. I found one through The Mankind Project, but there are a
number of groups out there that offer them.

~~~
drukenemo
Any examples of organizations you could share?

------
machinecontrol
Sometimes I feel like social media actually makes us more lonely and
disconnected from others.

~~~
marnett
It is. Get off of it. Ask cashiers how they are doing before they talk to you.
Smile at strangers. Make small talk when standing around. Eventually you will
find someone who is not indoctrinated into these isolation chambers tossed at
us by corporations profiting off of our attention. When you do find someone on
the same wavelength (perhaps it might be me!) you can enjoy, even if briefly,
a real human interaction - eye contact, smiling, and general positivity in
this increasingly more digitized, isolated world.

Write letters to your loved ones. Ask friends out to get coffee or dinner to
talk about life.

The world needs more ludd-lights (my term for luddites, but not so extreme)
now more than ever.

~~~
yelloweyes
If you don't fear being looked at like you have a third eye or people thinking
you are a weirdo, then by all means do this.

~~~
marnett
While you are absolutely correct that people will think you are weird - what
does it matter? Having small talk with someone in line at the grocery store is
not to create a lifelong friend (although that really is a potential), it is
to spread social kindness and communal feeling. The upside, real interaction
with individuals who value it, heavily outweighs the downside, a stranger
thinking you are weird (you need not do more than dress 'out of style' for
this to be the case, really).

My experience is largely against what you describe, however. At least in the
major city I live, I have _literally_ been thanked, with a genuine smile - one
of those real smiles that begins in the eyes - and gratitude, by cashiers when
I ask, before they speak to me, how they themselves are doing. Literally
countless times. I see these people quite often, as they work at places I
frequent. They remember me and we, over time, learn more about one another.
May aim was not to be their friend, or even acquaintance, just to build a
sense of community.

Small talk is the fastest way I've bootstrapped myself into outrageously
diverse social circles. Plenty of encounters with closed off people
uninterested in me? Yes. Plenty of encounters that went well, spread some
smiles, with people I've never seen again? Yes. Plenty of people I have
sustained contact with, who are now close friends of mine? Not plenty, but a
handful that made all the other encounters worth it.

And regardless, what is the alternative? I have to find my friends,
acquaintances, strangers interested in similar things, love interests, and
mating partners online? No thanks, call me a weirdo please.

~~~
irrational
>Having small talk with someone in line at the grocery store is not to create
a lifelong friend

No, it is to create an immediate enemy (I'm only half-joking)

------
anvandare
"You see, loneliness is the price we have to pay for being born in this modern
age, so full of freedom, independence, and our own egotistical selves." \-
Sōseki, Kokoro

~~~
marnett
Do you recommend this book? Is this a core theme of the novel? I've never
heard of it, but I'd love to read about thoughts on social isolation caused
from modernism that are 101 years old!

~~~
anvandare
I definitely recommend the book. If I had to say what the core theme was
(without spoiling anything), I suppose I'd say "how a person, out of fear of
loneliness, can force themselves deeper into it - like quicksand".

You can read it online here, if you'd like:

[http://www.ibiblio.org/eldritch/ns/soseki.html](http://www.ibiblio.org/eldritch/ns/soseki.html)

------
alexashka
_One is that societies throughout the world have embraced a culture of
individualism. More people are living alone, and aging alone, than ever.
Neoliberal social policies have turned workers into precarious free agents,
and when jobs disappear, things fall apart fast. Labor unions, civic
associations, neighborhood organizations, religious groups and other
traditional sources of social solidarity are in steady decline. Increasingly,
we all feel that we’re on our own._

I think this is on point.

When people don't feel safe to be themselves at work, the place where they
spend most of their waking hours - it can really dampen your mood.

In the past, workers were treated poorly, but there was a sense of
camaraderie, it was 'us vs the man', a sense of belonging, even if it was in
mutual misery. Nowadays, it's worker vs worker for the ever-shrinking number
of positions.

That's the crux of it I feel - when you're playing a zero sum game [0] with
the people you're meant to build emotional connections with, it is very hard
to feel good about it.

[0] [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zero-
sum_game](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zero-sum_game)

------
dalbasal
A big chunk of this question straddles the philosophical/semantic divide. We
consider emotional ailments, health issues in our times. In that sense, "yes"
by definition, if we're seeing a spread of it. It also doesn't take much
proving to convince me that loneliness (the physical state, and the emotional
lonliness) is related to depression and other emotional states.

There's a completely nonsemantic point on lonliness causing physical ailments
too, and I think the evidence here is as convincing as anything related to
happiness and mental health.

Sometimes we think too hard. Put a chimp or sheep or donkey into a bad social
setting (no peers, peers change daily, peers hate you...) and they will show
signs of distress. Create an environment where these are more prevelant, the
ailments will be more prevelant. People too.

Lonliness is related to people's relationship s. These have changed. Community
is weaker, as our it's institutions. Modern society is more indivualistic,
with less social obligation... or contact above a very basic level of
commitment.

Do you send your kids to clean out ms hegarty's shed, because your aunt told
you that she needs help and was good to your mum? Culture has changed, and
many of the loneliness-combating relationships are gone.

IMO, corporate life has crowded out everything else. This is another point I'm
confident about but can't substantiate: work relationships are very low
nutrition, and they form most of many of our diets. Some people don't even
have that.

On May's department of lonliness... What "normally" helps prevent lonliness,
is friends, neighbors, family, community.... our modern world has a lot less
of that. I don't think the answer is government institutions instead. I think
the answer is social institutions. Maybe May should focus on cheerleading
instead of doing, try to encourage social institutions that exist, or could.

------
Aaargh20318
If anything the opposite is true: severe lack of alone-time. I'm surrounded by
humans all the time, even in your time alone you can't get away from people
due to IM, social media, etc.

I try to minimise the amount of social activity as much as possible, but I'm
still getting overloaded and am slowly going crazy.

~~~
kakarot
That's just your personal experience and not an objective one. I'm lonely for
severe lack of being around humans all the time, and when I am around humans
they're often distracted by some form of entertainment.

There's nothing that indicates either of our experiences can be generalized.

~~~
maxxxxx
"There's nothing that indicates either of our experiences can be generalized."

Please don't try to generalize. We all have very different needs and what
works for one person doesn't work for the other. Acknowledgement and respect
of this would be true diversity and inclusion.

~~~
kakarot
I'm confused by what you mean. I was arguing against generalization in this
case?

~~~
maxxxxx
It sounded to me like you would like to find a generalization. Sorry if I
misunderstood you.

The tendency to generalize things is one of my pet peeves around health
issues, physical or mental. Some things work for everybody but a lot of things
may work for one person, but not the other.

------
jdlyga
Yes, it's difficult. When I first graduated college, I moved to an area where
I didn't know anybody. It took years, but I eventually joined some activity
groups on Meetup, got better at dating, and eventually got married. Now I'm
more focusing on my career. Having social support is absolutely necessary in
life.

------
Terr_
> I don’t believe so, nor do I believe it helps anyone to describe it that
> way.

^The op-ed writer's buried lede.

------
truculation
I'm conflicted about socialising. It seems at best shallow and trivial. At
worst downright exploitative. It seems like a politician's game, or a
gangster's.

Yet occasionally I enjoy the warmth of catching up with an old friend.

'The ape-descendant will greet [me] in return, but in deference to a million
years of evolution, he will not attempt to pick fleas off [me]; Earthmen are
not proud of their ancestors and never invite them round to dinner.' (Douglas
Adams)

~~~
brbrodude
Age? I'm a lifelong loner in a 'healthy sense', know plenty of people but
could always pick when I wanted to do my stuff or meet people. At 30, I sort
of became bored of my own company and now prefer to be with other people &
forget about myself, it wasn't like this before. I'd just spend uncountable
hours reading on everything and it really hooked me, reading, drawing,
programming, learning history, documentaries... Like, everything. But I don't
feel like this anymore, I think I dried my curiosity somewhat and have gotten
fed up.

~~~
atomical
I'm headed this direction as well. It seems like I'm getting so much more out
of even the most basic social interaction than a TV show or documentary.

------
heydonovan
As someone that struggles with this, I've noticed a sort of pattern for those
who suffer from loneliness as well. Just some observations from a few of my
friends that would identify with loneliness too:

1\. We either work from home, or work the night shift. Even working the second
shift has had such a detrimental effect in terms of no longer going out for
happy hours, never having conversations in passing, and never getting to
participate in meetings, interviews, etc. I think it takes a certain person to
want to work those hours, and I'm slowly starting to understand why there is a
shift differential.

2\. Having your own set of friends, not co-workers, and not your signifiant
others "friends". Life was far better in College if nothing more than all the
friends I had. Now friends are usually co-workers and there isn't such a
strong bond.

3\. Choosing non-social hobbies. I'd even consider the gym a pretty isolated
activity, as most people don't talk there, and it's such a serious
environment. I tried crossfit for nothing more than the social aspect of it,
and felt it was a much better environment than lifting in the corner with
earbuds in.

4\. Exercise. Of all the people I've talked to about this, none of them
exercised, myself included. I read that it has such huge implications on the
makeup of the brain, and have seen the results myself. If I can go a few weeks
of actually working out, not just pushups here or there, but actual sweat
inducing, blood pumping workouts, the effects cary on into the week. I'd also
lump in water in there too, since I've gone months with drinking
Soda/RedBull/Coffee. All anecdotal of course.

~~~
davesque
I wonder about the exercise thing. For the past few years, I've exercised
fairly frequently. And, yet, I still struggle with feelings of loneliness and
depression. I think exercise helps a little but maybe less than people like to
imagine. As you imply with your other points, you probably have to address
loneliness on multiple fronts in order to have a lasting impact on it.

~~~
marnett
There are a slew of research papers on the benefits of exercise for the
clinically depressed, anxious, etc [1]. Most of the research boils down to the
fact that, with enough rigor in the exercise regime (typically linked to one's
heart rate passing a specific threshold), endorphins are released in the
brain, providing a similar positive feeling as would morphine.

Of course, exercise will not cure depression, or remove loneliness altogether.
But, as I'm sure you know, battling depression is more about having a
repertoire of daily habits that shift one's focus to the positive aspects of
life. There is no silver bullet, and it truly is a daily effort to ensure
positivity, and more importantly self-love, is reached.

[1]
[https://scholar.google.com/scholar?q=endorphins+exercise+dep...](https://scholar.google.com/scholar?q=endorphins+exercise+depression&hl=en&as_sdt=0&as_vis=1&oi=scholart&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjErt_kgNbZAhUNiIMKHSlaAboQgQMIJzAA)

~~~
davesque
I guess my main point was what you're saying: exercise will not cure
depression.

I think it's a behavior of people who are struggling with depression to
constantly seek out a single answer to their problems. In that sense, I
believe anything, no matter how beneficial on paper, can eventually be used as
a fixation which feeds the depressive cycle. This has been my experience as
I've struggled with depression in my life. Exercise is no exception to this
pattern.

------
faramarz
I was in that shoe and definitely felt lonely until I went to a summer camp
for adults just outside of Toronto called Camp Reset. It was a digital detox,
nicknames only, no work talk weekend event where we played, danced, had meals
together, did workshops without ever learning eachothers real names and
talking about work. My life changed after that weekend.

I can genuinely say the past 2 years have been filled with joy and growth
because of the community that formed after going to Reset.

I highly encourage those of you who are hungry for a community to find similar
adult camps in your area and dive in. It was scary at first not knowing
anyone, but now the community is 400 people strong and I have deep meaningful
relationships with 2-3 dozen people I DID NOT KNOW 2 years ago. In fact I now
live with two housemates I met at that camp.

There's a similar camp in California called Camp Grounded. For anyone
interested in Reset, i'm happy to answer further questions. I plan to go this
year as a co-creator and not just a participant.

edit: only after leaving the camp we got to know each other by real names and
professions and the range of professions are far and wide.

~~~
atomical
What's the point of nicknames?

~~~
faramarz
Because you can!

It's fun. You get creative, it's a chance to build a persona and perhaps under
that persona discover your authentic voice.

------
laurex
A) I'm in the midst of some broad-based research around loneliness and
technology, and if you'd be willing to take a 5 minute survey, or even better,
spread it beyond the tech community, I'd appreciate it so much. I'm working
with a number of respected academics in the field, and currently the goal is
looking at a significant data set to better identify opportunities. This
research will be shared publicly. Here's the link if you're willing to share
[http://bit.ly/connecting-survey](http://bit.ly/connecting-survey)

B) this article in particular seems a little lacking in convincing evidence,
but I think there's a good argument to be made that in the world of Psychology
and social science, there's rarely one factor that can be causally identified
for cultural issues. That said, there does seem to be enough evidence to
support the idea that social connection, and even our self-perception about
social connection, has real impact on health and societal factors. Caveat: I
have not read this author's book, but the title does seem to imply he's got an
outlook he may promote.

~~~
noobhacker
My guess is you'll get more traction if you describe some of your affiliations
to establish credibility. Personally I never fill out non-random sampled
online survey because the resulting studies aren't likely to be valid.

------
amelius
Maybe a cliche, but if you're in the pit of loneliness, perhaps a good
strategy is to get a dog. You will have a friend, it allows you to practice
your communication skills (good for introvert people), and it can help getting
into contact with others. Downside of course is that you can't leave the house
for longer periods.

~~~
irrational
Other downsides include shedding, dog poop/vomit/urine, vet bills, dog food
costs, potential lawsuits from dog bites (I have experience with this one),
etc.

------
throwaway44442
I am an extremely lonely person, to the point where I'm suicidal, and I can't
say I can pinpoint the cause, only that it's psychological(duh!). I can't
equate my extreme introvertism with the rise of technology, in fact I believe
that without the rise of technology I'd probably have already killed myself.
This way I've managed to get a job despite my social and emotional inpetitude
and felt at least a small part of belonging, that I'm at least somewhat
"normal", not that it helped much. I don't think when it comes to depression
and loneliness that anything has changed when it comes to people, but instead
the internet has provided a place where we can write self-loathing walls of
which has brought this ever-present issue to the worlds attention, which is in
line with the article's message.

------
stratigos
[https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/97008.Love_Freedom_and_A...](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/97008.Love_Freedom_and_Aloneness)

Check out this book for a good angle on the difference between loneliness and
aloneness.

------
swifter007
Well, I just created a lonely people discord channel.
[https://discord.gg/wrkqpXA](https://discord.gg/wrkqpXA)

------
DoofusOfDeath
I've heard an assertion that people on the Asperberg's-ish end of the autism
spectrum are over-represented amongst software developers.

If that's true, I wonder it's a contributing factor for some software
developers having trouble making friends once they're out of school,
especially once they have kids.

~~~
hinkley
There’s something else called HSP which gets misdiagnosed as spectrum. Your
senses are particularly intense and they behave badly when overextended. The
difference is that in the morning they understand what they did wrong and
leads to a cycle of guilt. This turns them into introverts.

This difference also makes it hard to make friends because they expect a lot
of insight conversationally and they pick up tells from other people. The joke
is that they know how you feel before you do. It’s very offputting.

~~~
gnode
The condition itself referred to as Sensory Processing Sensitivity:

[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensory_processing_sensitivity](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensory_processing_sensitivity)

------
rednerrus
Didn't Bowling Alone tackle some of this 10 years ago?

------
pasbesoin
It's going to kill me.

Anecdote of one.

------
zombieprocesses
Betteridge's law of headlines : "Any headline that ends in a question mark can
be answered by the word no."

This is why I canceled my subscription to the NYTimes and stop following the
news so much. Everything is an epidemic. Everything is going to end the world.

Are there people with problems of loneliness? Sure. Is it an epidemic? Of
course not.

Just like the tide pod epidemic last month. Next come, it'll be another
epidemic.

And the easiest way to spot lazy media is see if the title is a headline.

"Will your kids' candy be safe this halloween?"

"Did aliens build the pyramids?"

In my opinion, the only real epidemic in modern times is people wasting time
reading useless media.

~~~
astura
This article is actually critical of people claiming there is a "loneliness
epidemic."

~~~
zombieprocesses
Betteridge's law of headlines holds again.

------
DrFell
The media also tells people everything now. The truth is the accepted group
opinion. Viral life truths. You must be in a relationship to be happy.

Also, this is conjecture, I think loneliness and despondent anxiety about not
being in a relationship feel so similar, people mix them up.

~~~
shaki-dora
Yes, it’s a vast conspiracy.

Started by that mainstream bard, Shakespeare.

