
Ask HN: Broke up with girlfriend, how to get on track with projects? - johny_galt
My girlfriend told me she doesn&#x27;t love me anymore and she doesn&#x27;t want to continue the relationship with me after 3 years and I am really a mess. I post this on HN because I have serious problems in staying focused, I missed my deadlines, can not work anymore, can&#x27;t even sleep. Not sure what to do and how to move on especially with my work and how can I start coding again because I can&#x27;t even open sublime because of lost motivation, focus and happiness. What can I do asap before I lose all my clients?
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hagbardgroup
Subcontract out the work. Get referrals from your friends to do this. This
gets the clients what they need (the work done on time) without mixing your
work with personal drama.

What's the nature of the projects involved?

Not enough people take these kinds of 'small' personal tragedies seriously.
Sorry to hear that you're having a poor time.

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navs
I'm currently feeling something similar only replace "broken relationship"
with "dead parent". I've employed descriptive todo's (on paper) and kept them
right beside my laptop. I'm obsessed with completing the todos, one at a time
until the paper is completely filled up and I have nowhere to write.

Another thing I'm looking into is counselling services. Thankfully some of
them charge on a sliding scale so I may even be able to afford one.

Lastly, don't forget to write. Write as much as you can/want. Paper, digital,
whatever really. You don't have to be articulate, that'll come later as you
continue to write and read what you've written.

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bradleysmith
Just got over a similar situation where I broke up and was still living with
my ex; this would be bad enough, but she also began spending all her time with
another roommate, perhaps romantically perhaps not, while excluding me from
all communication. She could not afford to move out, and I could not afford to
help her move out; somehow I held on to empathy to allow her to stay.

I worked from home about 50-50 before this. As you may imagine, concentration
and focus became impossible at my house, difficult everywhere else.

My advice is not meant to be callous, but: grin and bear it. Struggle through,
and find the focus within yourself. You'll make it through this, regardless of
what happens. How do you want remember making it through?

Some tricks I found that helped me work:

classical music on headphones,

small manageable tasks (decide tasks to be done, choose tasks you're doing,
stay on target),

mental mantra's ("be vigilant, stay on target", "my time is valuable and
irreplaceable" both did me well),

meditation (seriously; 20 min at morning and night thinking about nothing but
your breathing does wonders to let you focus).

Spend free-time with empathetic and sincere friends (not coddling; the goal is
not comfort but mental digestion and moving on emotionally; if necessary, seek
professional counselling),

exercising,

and lots of outdoors (helped me put things in perspective).

I also found the poem 'Desiderata' by Max Ehrmann to be a big help (to each
their own.) I've put the lines that helped me the most below:

"Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you
have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the
universe is unfolding as it should."

Above all, forgive yourself for feeling like hell. It's expected, and
acceptable. Best of luck.

EDIT: Formatting

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pestaa
Really touching piece of art, thanks for sharing.

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ratsimihah
I believe an answer to such a question involves topics out of the scope of HN,
but I guess it doesn't hurt once in a while. I went through that situation a
couple of weeks ago, so here is how I dealt with it. Hopefully you'll find
something useful in it.

I had to become stable again as an individual first. It means getting used to
be alone and not having someone to share my life with everyday. I've been
spending a huge amount of time with my self. It's been hard, but it's also
been the only way for me to figure out what I wanted in life.

Luckily, I am a developer doing what I love, and that helped a lot. I believe
you are too.

Another important point was for me to realize that she and I weren't meant to
be together, and she broke up with me for a reason. We believed in different
ideologies, and she probably wanted something I could never give her. I don't
know what your situation is, but there is a significant chance that you broke
up for a good reason.

Don't hesitate to talk about it with others. Anyone.

Brace yourself and enjoy the time you have with your self. You may have most
one of the most significant things in your life, but you're now free to be and
become anyone you want. Do the things you could not do in your relationships.

bradleysmith is absolutely right when he advised you to "grin and bear it.
Struggle through, and find the focus within yourself. You'll make it through
this, regardless of what happens."

Once you manage to stabilize and strengthen yourself as an individual, your
love for coding and other things in your life will be stronger than ever! : )

One book that helped me was The Fountainhead, by Ayn Rand. It's about one's
love for his work, in part.

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mlamb
If you can afford it, take a week off, go to a beach somewhere, perhaps with a
friend, and do some meditation. Maybe sign up for an online dating site to
make you realize there are other options out there and she can't be the only
one who can make you happy.

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antocv
Dont sign up for dateing sites because I did that, and it only made everything
worse, I realized the ex was even more special, and the people on dateing
sites sucked all completely.

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fyrabanks
Similar situation about five years ago; dumped from a 4-year relationship in
my last quarter at college. Just barely made the minimum grades required to
finish my classes and graduate. I hate to say it, but it's going to take time
before you start to feel "normal" again. If you don't think your clients will
understand your need to take some personal time off (I'd say there was a death
in the family), and if you can't subcontract out the work, force yourself to
work in very small increments. Set a timer for, say 15 minutes, and do
absolutely nothing else but work. Then go back to dealing with the grief
process for a bit, and then force yourself to work for another 15. Lather,
rinse, repeat.

Even if you aren't particularly productive in the beginning (you won't be),
you'll at least start enforcing habits. Once you find yourself getting some
things done, slowly increase the amount of time you spend dedicated to
working.

I know you feel like shit right now, but there's a lot to be said about
dealing with the break-up process. You'll come out on the other side knowing
yourself much better. This probably won't make sense just yet, but reading
this helped prompt the turning point for me (when I started to feel like a
human again): [http://jessicajjohnston.com/blog/wp-
content/uploads/2012/01/...](http://jessicajjohnston.com/blog/wp-
content/uploads/2012/01/ohyes_bukowskipoem_500.jpg).

Good luck, man. You'll be fine; it's just a matter of time.

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chrismdp
You've got clients, so you're a contractor, right? Which means you have
savings... hopefully?

I'd be straight with them, and tell them you need some time off for personal
reasons. Be specific as to how long you want. Help them find a stand-in in the
meantime if appropriate. If you deal well with them rather than just going
AWOL you stand a good chance of keeping good relationship with them.

I'm really sorry you're going through a hard time. I'm sure you'll pull
through it. Hang in there!

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paulbaumgart
The only thing that reliably gets rid of negative emotions for me is hard
exercise. Is there a local gym with classes that interest you?

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jon_black
Set aside time for grieving and time for working; it can help to set small
goals. Talk to your friends, when you're ready, about how you're feeling, and
ask for their help and support. Take it slowly, don't ask too much of
yourself, and realise that not all your passion in life came from your
relationship. Good luck.

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saluki
First off listen to this . . .

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGGA6VXHdmE](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGGA6VXHdmE)

Then move on . . . don't let her hold you down or hold you back, there are
lots of other girls out there that are just as good for you and most likely
better for you . . . so explore and find someone new (not to get serious with)
just to get to know and have fun.

Ok . . . focus . . .

You have to get back in the game . . . choose a small simple task . . . write
that on a note card or on a trello board (just one task at a time) and knock
that out . . . then add the next easiest one . . .and keep building on getting
things done . . .

If you're still distracted you can try motivating yourself by the fact that
she doesn't want you to get things done she wants you to fail . . . prove her
wrong. (this may or may not be true, but make yourself believe it)

Good luck.

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ldargin
If it is affecting your work and sleep, you should probably talk to a
therapist; a counselor or psychologist. A professional could help you get your
bearings while you adjust to this, and give you advice.

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jason_slack
Hell, come over to my place and lets throw back a few cold ones.

One important thing I think you need to come to terms with is that if you _don
't_ get that client work done you are going to be _worse_ off than you are
now, financially and reputation.

Losing a loved one for whatever reason is hard. Put in a good solid work day,
keep the bills paid and take some time to reflect on the situation. This will
make you stronger. The next girl you meet will be lucky because you will be
stronger due to this breakup.

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beachstartup
take a moment to reflect upon how much power you're giving this person over
your entire life.

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michaelchum
Stay strong. The best way to stay focused is to follow your passion, keep
doing what you truly like to do. During your spare time, keep yourself busy
with things you enjoy. Always keep yourself busy. Don't hesitate up some
friends, even those you didn't see for a long time. Set yourself goals which
you'll enjoy following. Stay strong and enjoy everything you do :)

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dognotdog
Hey, you're asking for help, and that sounds to me like you're on the way up
again, even if it's a long and hard road :)

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Mz
Start a journal or anonymous blog. Write about how you feel. Sometimes,
getting it out is the quickest way to get back on track with other things. (I
blog in part because I sometimes just need to "talk" about some things and
writing about it is a far faster, more effective means to move on than other
things I have tried.)

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techaddict009
Well take a small break go out for a picnic to near by place. Try to get
normal.

I would suggest read this one :
[http://www.cosmopolitan.com/celebrity/news/how-guys-
handle-b...](http://www.cosmopolitan.com/celebrity/news/how-guys-handle-
breakups)

P.S It helped me in same situation in the past.

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hablahaha
That list is pretty good actually and I normally hate Cosmo. I have definitely
been this person: "Hey, do you guys want to get together and play Settlers of
Catan?" turns into "This was really fun. We should do this every night." turns
into "Please don't leave me. Ever."

Since you can probably work remotely, can you go stay with a good friend or
family member, preferably in a different city? You need someone to talk to who
will be nearby all day long.

Sometimes when I really don't want to work, I have to psyche myself into it,
like I'll start watching a new episode of a favorite TV show, slowly open
Sublime in another monitor, look at my issues list, start writing a little bit
of code, and keep Hulu on autoplay. I find that there is nothing more
emotionally distracting than a really good TV show (which is really bad when
you are trying to be productive, but not so bad when you're suffering). I
think the key is getting past opening Sublime, once you start working, you'll
have short bouts of not thinking about the ex.

Also, could you go work at a coffee shop with a friend? They can make sure you
at least go through the motions of starting to work and you have to compose
yourself while out.

I really feel for you man, I know it must be really rough. I hope you feel
better soon :)

EDIT: I just thought about the Girls plot line where Charlie makes an app
where it costs you every time you text or call your ex. Would any of these
apps help? [http://techland.time.com/2013/08/24/ex-lover-
begone/](http://techland.time.com/2013/08/24/ex-lover-begone/)

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rurban
In my experience I could concentrate much better on work, and got much more
done. Esp. in wintertime, when depression can catch you much easier. Work is a
good excuse to forget the private mess, and this needs time, at least a few
months. Try to forget, get distraction, go outside.

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james1071
Exercise often helps in these situations.

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swalsh
Go on okcupid, look for the next one. After a few, you realize that its not a
big deal.

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imthatguyama
lmao, grow a pair you pussy.

~~~
marcfawzi
his balls are larger than your brains, combined.

