
Ask HN: Having Children - daenz
My partner and I are approaching the age where we must start to seriously consider parenthood or it will not be an option anymore. While neither of us are particularly compelled to have children, there is still a sense of FOMO around it. We both enjoy our work and our time together immensely, and the current outlook is that we just want to enjoy comfortable lives together, without the extra life-altering chaos of children.<p>It feels existentially lonely though, and I am wondering how other people in tech feel or have felt about the their decisions around having kids. Do you regret your decision? Did you have kids but wish you didn&#x27;t? I know the latter is a taboo thought, but my understanding is a lot of parents have it from time to time.
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stephenr
It’s probably the most challenging but also most rewarding thing I’ve ever
done.

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runawaybottle
Try to think about your own upbringing. I’m very biased against children
because my own parents didn’t really get joy from their kids and were
miserable and unleashed their misery on day to day family life in various
forms. Many people had a great family life growing up and conceptually don’t
even entertain thoughts like that.

If you guys didn’t grow up in a dysfunctional miserable family you are
probably already way more qualified than many people who simply lack the
experience (literal thousands of hours spent in a quality family). Start with
that assessment, you have most of the facts about yourself to make the call -
we don’t.

Again, people that had positive family experience will not ponder if kids will
cause chaos, because well, they never felt that way in their own families. You
and I ponder it, which means you better dig into what’s behind that question.

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burfog
Adding kids when you don't have a Mrs. Moffat looks hazardous for lots of
reasons. The commitment to the relationship is questionable if somebody is
holding back on that. Kids shouldn't be brought into an unstable uncommitted
situation. Kids won't fix your relationship; they may tear it apart, making
you join the ranks of miserable parents fighting over visitation rights and
child support payments.

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daenz
My partner and I have been together for 13 years and are very happy together.
The conjecture that we are unstable, unhappy and trying to "fix" our
relationship is completely unfounded.

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burfog
I'm sure it seems that way, without the stress of fighting over decisions
related to kids.

What last name would the kids get?

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cable2600
You need a good daycare or babysitter so you both can work while the child is
growing. Family time is quality time. Spend time with your child and watch
child movies with them. Teach them how to use an iPad and get them child
games. Have playdates with other children so your child can develop social
skills.

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RemingtonLak
check this post out:
[https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=24182426](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=24182426)

Long short of my existential crisis when I pondered the exact same. Late 40's
and a newborn is super super hard.

I realize it really comes down to state of your life, your partner and your
extended family. You absolutely need support. Not even to question that. If no
support then a fulltime nanny to help. I'm a fulltime dad, quit my fulltime
when my now 1.5yr was born. Not really by choice but a necessity as we have no
local support, especially with the pandemic. I will need go back to work. My
wife works fulltime so I get up at 6a and goto bed at 1a daily.

If you're happy with where you are and where you're headed i.e. retire AND
you're absolutely in stride with your partner. Then you should, else I
wouldn't.

I never knew family. Grew up abused and alone so never had a family feeling.

A child is a love hate relationship that has no recourse. the infamous
commercial where a sick dad opens the door to his child and asks for a sick
day? Yea, it can't happen. no matter what your mood is or what your current
beef is with your significant other and boy..you don't know what a fight is
until there is a child. you better learn to get over it quickly.

Lastly, you absolutely will LOSE your previous life. There isn't a part of it
you can retain. It's gone....period. You will need to forge a new life.

Fun romcom to watch that can give you an absolute realistic even though
fictional movie is:

Life as we know it
[https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1055292/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1055292/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1)

PS> I'm going to blog about this because its actually bullsh*t that there
isn't answers to some basic questions about parenting. Most of what you read,
reads like a marketing fluff for a blender.

An article I ran into recently worth reading:

[https://www.scarymommy.com/okay-not-to-love-every-second-
lif...](https://www.scarymommy.com/okay-not-to-love-every-second-life-as-a-
mom/)

PPS> Join a dad's group and seek the same. It's a shame men don't have the
balls to ask for advice and help...unlike you.

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daenz
Thanks for your post. I took a look at your other comment too and it was very
insightful. I think we're going to look into Big Brothers/Sisters as well when
COVID starts to clear up...maybe it will inspire us one way or another, or
maybe it will fulfill the parenting need completely.

>Lastly, you absolutely will LOSE your previous life. There isn't a part of it
you can retain. It's gone....period.

This is probably the biggest challenge against the idea of having children. We
both like our lives and hobbies...a lot (we make work together as well). It's
part of our identity, so the thought of giving it up is very difficult to
entertain. It feels selfish, but it's who we are.

~~~
RemingtonLak
I wouldn't consider yourself selfish by not having a child. Bringing in a
child into this world is simply contributing to society, but then you can do
that in many other selfless ways. But I feel there will be a personal
sacrifice by not having a child. I consider myself a loner beside loving my
wife, I have no reason to leave a legacy. However, there is something to be
said to share your life, experiences and knowledge with someone who can
benefit. Passing that to someone is rewarding for sure i.e. Big Brothers, bt
there is something more, something special if it is your own flesh and blood.
Something very innate.

Lastly, typically you and your spouse will most likely die separately. Even
with families close by, there is nothing like knowing your own flesh and blood
will be there. The inherent trust and bond is undeniable.

>>Lastly, you absolutely will LOSE your previous life. There isn't a part of
it you can retain. It's gone....period.

Little overly stated since my son needs me 24/7 now. However, overtime, he'll
need this space and my wife and I may be able to get back to where we were. Of
course one factor to consider is age so this is where having your child at an
earlier age has it's advantages. So truly get back to where we were will most
likely be based on your age.

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rbecker
> It feels existentially lonely though

Do you think it will get more or less lonely as you age?

