
What it’s like to live with a chronic urge to die - wolfgke
https://highline.huffingtonpost.com/articles/en/life-in-the-psych-ward/
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throwaway241510
What is it like to live _without_ a chronic urge to die? At least since I was
7, I have been contemplating my mortality. This is also not to say I despise
being alive - after so many years, I think that I have had enough and would
like to leave the table now, thank you. Of course I have been diagnosed with
depression and of course I have been put on medications for it. What I have
not done yet is to act on my "suicidal ideations" and have made measures to
prevent myself from suiciding willy-nilly (in particular, I do not own a gun
despite enjoying going to the gun range and hunting with friends). I have also
never been committed to any sort of mental facility for these thoughts, so
cannot relate to some of the things in this article - it seems like a hell
scape I should do well to avoid.

But back on to suicide. Sure, my thoughts of suicide do increase when I have
depressive episodes, but it's not like I'm constantly in a depressive state. I
have good days, weeks where I am productive and manage to enjoy the things I
enjoy. In doing so, I've come to realize something in general about my frame
of mind regarding suicide. Thinking about suicide makes me indelibly happy. At
my lowest of lows, I fantasize longingly to turn the lights off. At my highest
of highs, I still think to myself that: here, here is where we should cancel
the show. I even feel that my mindset towards suicide has contributed towards
its prevention. I have an ideal version of my death. I do desperately want to
die, but I want to die without being beholden specifically to anyone or
anything, including my mental illness.

It is a crisp Autumn day in New England. It is where I spent my childhood
years. The leaves are awash in a flurry of reds, oranges, and tinges of brown.
I am happy - without a depressive episode turning my screen to gray, without
duties or obligations holding me back, without a care in the world. And...

I go on. So how can others go on living when death seems so sweet?

