
'Be Yourself' is terrible advice - the_duck
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/06/05/opinion/sunday/unless-youre-oprah-be-yourself-is-terrible-advice.html?action=click&pgtype=Homepage&clickSource=story-heading&module=opinion-c-col-left-region&region=opinion-c-col-left-region&WT.nav=opinion-c-col-left-region
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sandworm101
>> “I certainly had no idea that being your authentic self could get you as
rich as I have become,” Oprah Winfrey said jokingly a few years ago. ”If I’d
known that, I’d have tried it a lot earlier.”

Look for interviews where she gets angry. Her voice drops an octave and her
careful accent disappears. I wouldn't call her a phony, but she does have a
public face.

I'm terrified by the people who do not have a public face, the people that
don't hide. They seem to never falter. That can look like strength but they
are unable to adapt to different audiences and that is a weakness. When you
see that they hide nothing it is very difficult to forgive the gaffes because
... well, they aren't really gaffes. It's just crazy all the way down.

~~~
bpchaps
Heh. Some empathy would go a long way, bud.

When I see people with a "public face" all the time, I can't help but think
the same way you you think about those without one. It's scary, it's creepy,
it's manipulative, it's far too adaptive, and it's incredibly transparent if
you know to look for it.

I have social anxiety that makes having a "public face" impossible to hold for
any extended period of time, so I don't even try anymore. I feel happier than
ever and have significantly less anxiety without the need to fake it. Though,
when I actually need to put on that face (job interview and walking down the
street, apparently), it makes me feel dirty to the point of actual physical
discomfort under the skin. It's disgusting, but it fucking works, and I refuse
to do it unless forced to.

Sorry for the "crazy". A lot of us are just doing the best we can. We'll try
to be less terrifying once you actually open up to us.

~~~
sandworm101
Empathy requires a public face, the ability to acknowledge and react
differently than your base instincts tell you to. Otherwise you only come off
as empathetic to people you agree with. Your supporters are enthralled because
they see you as an honest mirror, but everyone else thinks you're loony tunes.
That ability to keep a public face is perhaps the difference between the
universally-loved hollywood celebs, and that polarizing politician.

~~~
bpchaps
I see little difference between the two. They're just different forms of the
same abstraction.

------
jessriedel
Saying "be yourself" is a way to say "I'm suave enough to not have to think
consciously about the persona I project". Likewise, "never settle" is a way to
brag "I was good enough to not have to settle".

[http://www.overcomingbias.com/2011/10/never-settle-is-a-
brag...](http://www.overcomingbias.com/2011/10/never-settle-is-a-brag.html)

------
CPLX
Be yourself should just be properly understood as a contraction for "be the
best version of yourself" which is basically the thesis statement of this
entire article.

~~~
rmellow
"Be the best version of yourself" is my main takeaway from reading Neil
Strauss' The Game - not the gimmicky cold calls.

I read this book about 8 years ago and it genuinely changed my life for the
better.

------
leeoniya
if i may...

[http://www.humoar.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/greatest-
we...](http://www.humoar.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/greatest-weakness-
honesty.jpg)

------
tormeh
"Be yourself" is actually really good and really bad advice. It's bad because
it's uninformative, but good because it's true. The challenge lies in knowing
who you are. The way there is long and hard. It's reconciling what you want
with what you like, for example.

~~~
zzalpha
Except you're making the assumption the article highlights: you're operating
under the belief that there is a concrete thing that "you are" that you should
know.

As a person I'm constantly changing (or so I hope). Who I am now is not who I
was ten years ago and probably won't be who I am ten years from now.

I prefer to try and simply understand myself; understand why I think, feel, or
believe what I do, understand why I make the choices I make, etc. That then
(hopefully) gives me the insight to change and improve.

As an aside, I've always found the human penchant for pigeonholing everything
fascinating, especially when people do it to themselves. Many folks have a
very concrete idea of who they are and aren't, and what they can and can't
do... I see that as a real shame, as I often see people limit their own
potential by harboring preconceived notions about themselves.

------
khedoros
I see two issues in the article. I don't think that "being yourself" is the
same thing as speaking without a filter, and I don't think that it requires
someone to think of themselves as an unchanging entity.

> It worked. Next time people say, “just be yourself,” stop them in their
> tracks. No one wants to hear everything that’s in your head.

That last line is the core of the issue that I see. To me, an important aspect
of "being myself" is living my life in my head, rather than through my
actions. Acting out on everything I'm thinking would be distinctly un-self-
like for me. I suspect that I'm just missing the point that the author's
trying to make.

------
rmellow
How much you can "Be Yourself" of course varies greatly between cultures.

\- Russians will see through unauthentic smiles with disdain.

\- Brazilians don't do well with blank expressions or disagreement.

\- The dutch on the other hand expect you to express your disagreements with
no sugar coating - and might be disappointed if you hide your opinion.

I'm not very compatible with my own culture, and I expect to reap greater
professional benefits by immigrating.

~~~
bpchaps
Been thinking about doing the same for the same reasons and moving out to
Switzerland or Germany. Have you already started the process? I'm curious how
others have done it and what their thoughts are during/before/after the expat
plunge.

~~~
rmellow
Job market in my country is terrible, so I have little to lose. Going to
Canada for a Masters, after which I have a substantial salary expectation in
the CA/US market, but not back home.

------
metaphorm
this article seems terribly concerned with some jargon about "high self
monitoring". it seems to me like an insufficiently critical acceptance of the
theory of personality and consciousness presented by that one particular
psychology article.

this entire article and the underlying assumptions need to be taken with many
grains of salt.

~~~
Sakes
The way I see it, if one believes they should always be authentic, then they
probably never take in to consideration how their thoughts/actions might
affect others or the goals of a group. Hey, they're just being honest.

But, if one decides to potentially self sensor by taking the time to consider
how their current thoughts or desired actions might affect others and they
conclude they will have a negative outcome resulting in them not expressing or
acting on them... Well, they may have just made a decision to be inauthentic.
But they did so out of consideration and empathy for others. And if their
authentic self does care for others, well maybe they are still being
authentic.

If one doesn't care about others, and doesn't have empathy, well then they
sound like an asshole to me. To them I say continue on spewing filterless
thoughts... asshole. :)

edited for clarity.

~~~
metaphorm
I'm confused by your comment. Who are you calling an asshole?

~~~
Sakes
Not you, just some general person who believes "self monitoring" is inherently
a wrong thing to do.

I probably should have used "one" instead of "you" in my above comment. My
apologies. Will modify it.

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vatotemking
FYI: The linked article about Radical Honesty by A.J. Jacobs is hilarious.

[http://www.esquire.com/news-
politics/a26792/honesty0707/](http://www.esquire.com/news-
politics/a26792/honesty0707/)

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Artlav
In other words, zero BS tolerance is not an excuse to just talk all the time.

