
How to Make Friends as an Adult - lemonberry
https://psyche.co/guides/how-to-make-new-friends-when-youre-busy-with-adulthood
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non-entity
It feels like a losing game to me. Pre-covid I decided to try and get out more
and be more pro-active about meeting people. There also happened to be recent
changed in my life that made it a lot easier to do so. When I moved there
wasn't a ton of opportunities to meet people, but I found a group that went
out regularly and so I decided to start attending. Overtime though I noticed
that I judt had nothing in common with most of the group and while I formed a
somewhat amicable relationship with a few other "outliers" I just wasn't
connecting with most people and became more of a face. Nothing against them,
we just had much different interests, hobbies, priorities, etc. Meetup gets
thrown around a (poor) generic advice but in my experience Mertup is modtly
fronts for MLMs and other scams, demographic specific groups or tech meetups.
Look I'm a hacker at heart but tech meetups always just seemed so awkward to
me and often felt like an advertisement. In fairness I have some other unique
qualities / issues / etc. that make it more difficult.

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lemonberry
This is more challenging now with the pandemic in full swing, but it's
certainly something I need to work on. At 45 I've got a handful of friends,
but when I look around me I see a ton of people my age, particularly men, that
don't have many friends. It isn't clear to me that they see this as
problematic or not. I believe it is for me.

~~~
caymanjim
I find it exceedingly hard to make new friends as an adult. When I put effort
into it, eventually I reach a critical mass of acquaintances through which I
can find those few rare actual friendships, but it's an enormous undertaking.
I move around a lot, every few years, and have to start fresh.

The old standby is hanging out at the local pub. Historically, it's been a
good starting point, especially if there's a pool table, dart board, or trivia
night to encourage more active socialization. Most people I meet this way are
just "bar friends" or casual acquaintances, but eventually I meet some real
friends and move past "drinking buddy."

A less-boozy (or at least less booze-focused) path that works for me is
finding a nerdy board game group. That's about it for my meat-space hobbies,
though; I'm not into sports, excersise, fishing, crafts, or many other social
activities. At least not enough to build friendships in any reasonable amount
of time. I'd go to a makerspace or something if there were any nearby, but I'm
in the suburbs, bordering on rural.

With the pandemic, I'm not even trying. There's no way I'm getting together
with a group of strangers indoors, and even outside I'm wary of being around
many people.

It's easy to fall into the trap of building a moderately-satisfying online
life. All my good friends are online, whether they started out as meatspace
friends who are just geographically-distant now, or are people I met online.
It satisfies the social itch to some degree, and there's no barrier, so it
ends up being the most convenient outlet. If it weren't for online
communities, I'm just barely social enough that I would find meatspace friends
to satisfy my needs; as it stands, the convenience of online friends--while
only partially satisfying--usually wins out.

I've never been one to actively seek friends. I enjoy having them, I miss them
when we're separated, and I'm happy when I make new ones, but my friendships
are always accidental. I don't think this is uncommon; it's just that it gets
harder as I get older, because I'm not going to concerts, house parties,
school, etc.

Most people my age have kids and families, and they connect that way. They
become friends with their neighbors who have kids, with their kids' parents,
with people they meet at kid-related social events, or they bond with
strangers who live the same sort of life they do. I don't have kids and won't
be having kids. I end up making friends with people 10-20 years younger than
me. That's fine with me; in a lot of ways we have more things in common, and
my sleep schedule and weekend schedule are far more compatible with theirs
than with people my age. It's a bit socially awkward--or even frowned upon--
most places I've been in the US, or at least in the suburbs. When I've lived
in some places, particularly college towns, it's been easier. When I lived in
Cayman, it's such a small place that all generations mingle, and parents
mingle a lot with single people; it was easier to make friends there than
anywhere I've been.

Again, none of this applies in the pandemic. I'm resigned to online
socialization until it blows over, which I expect will be literally years from
now.

I share your struggle and concern. There are a lot of lonely people our age
out there (I'm 47).

~~~
jelliclesfarm
making friends is not unlike finding love. its the same four hormones that are
involved. serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins. whatever makes you
happy, gives you pleasure, creates trust and removes 'pain' creates
relationships that bond. this is true for parents-children, lovers, friends
and even the relationship between people and their pets.

how do you hack it? adrenaline. thats why high risk sports or watching games
together(win/lose..picking teams), going through a traumatic experience
together(in these days, this includes maybe a nail biting office coup because
we dont go charging into battlefields with swords drawn out).

ziplining, sky diving, bicycling, long and hard hikes are outdoor activities
that will get the adrenaline high enough to get the flood of brain hormones
triggered. you just need to find indoor ways to achieve the same.

alcohol is the worst way to bond and make friends. its hormones. its always
hormones that create relationships.

re: being child free and not being able to make friends. that is a real
problem. but it will become the more prevailing trend. perhaps people need to
advertise themselves as child free and create friendship circles.

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jelliclesfarm
there is too much pressure and hype about 'friends'. the article(i skipped the
research 'statistics' part) misses the part where literally millions of people
are just fine being introverts or even 'friendless'.

also..its speciesism to imagine friendship only occurs between human beings.
of course, 'friendship' evolved for the survival of the species. it is an
acceptance of differences so we can all 'get along'.

finches dont have 'friends' who are of a different colour. thats their
survival code. woodpeckers are solitary and are infamously anti social.
cheetahs are like not tigers or lions. Carpenter bees are solitary vs honey
bees that exhibit hive mind. Sheep are..well..sheep. They follow and they need
to stick together. You dont see praying mantii flocking together. Snakes..dont
even care.

The pattern seems to me that the weaker one is in their ability to survive by
themselves...could be bird, beast or insect. or man...they cant afford to be
solitary. with mammals, the need to 'get along' with their own kind emerged
from the lack of the protective shell of their eggs..for mammalian babies are
born naked and vulnerable. tribe becomes important. groups become protective
shields so the young would survive the traumatic phase of early infanthood
rife with mortality challenges.

Evolution of 'friendship' is a survival hack. Vulnerable populations need to
flock together. Women are known to have more friends because they had to...our
biology makes us vulnerable as does procreation. As does society. even as
early as cavemen days, the cartoon notion is that men dragged their women by
the hair to their caves. a caricature, no doubt. but that..my friends..is a
depiction of rape. and that's why women surround themselves with their
girlfriends.

