
How to stop feeling lonely - wtsui
http://wtsui.org/blog/how-to-stop-feeling-lonely/
======
hosh
This article is an excellent start :-)

It is particularly relevant in relation to that article that surfaced here,
about mapping out emotions arising from a large sampling of people.

I will say though, that thoughts do not simply arise from emotions in
introverted people -- it arises like that in pretty much everyone. Some
extraverts are just that in tuned with their bodies, emotions, and intuitions;
others use talking as a way to avoid getting in touch with feelings, much that
same many thinkers use thoughts to avoid getting in touch with feelings.

Lastly, loneliness tends to be a particular feeling lodged in the chest (for a
lot of people). Regardless of whether you label that sensation as loneliness
or not, there are physical exercises that can work with it directly. The main
thing is to relax the muscles and tissues surrounding the chest cavity and
give those sensations an opportunity to move and flow. It is best done when
your arms are (physically) wide open.

Loneliness comes from a feeling of not getting sufficient emotional connection
from others. There are lots of configurations that can lead to that. One of
the main ones is that, the very act of connecting to someone else requires
opening up, and opening up usually leads people to feeling the vulnerability
that they don't want. Physically opening up the arms and the body helps you
get used to feeling open, and being so, it becomes easier to connect with
others.

Hope this help some of you folks -- good times :-)

~~~
loupeabody
You seem to be knowledgeable about this topic. Have you ever heard about
bioenergetics?

If not, the general premise is that neurosis is expressed physically in the
musculature. Specific kinds of movements can target and eliminate neurosis,
which emerges as tension in chronically contracted muscles. Any exercise is
bound to help somewhat, probably for more reasons than something like
bioenergetics can claim, but still there are specific approaches for
eliminating neurotic behavior in different character types. These specific
exercises are accompanied by psychoanalysis in order to cultivate a conscious
relationship between the mental and physical constructs of the patient's
neurosis.

It seems like a pretty obvious insight to me now, having read a little bit
about the subject. For example, flinching is a very pronounced, instinctual
movement, and occurs in response to danger, right? So, if our environment can
impel us to move, then certainly there are other movements, like flinches,
that are more subtle in their expression, but reflect some internal,
psychological mechanism, like a response to fear. Perception of body language,
such as bad posture, supports this.

I have yet to read a satisfactory amount of info about the subject, but I can
recommend what little I've read if anyone's interested.

~~~
blendergasket
I'd be really interested in scientific information about this.

I have been practicing Qigong for a little more than a year and a half and I
can absolutely say that it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. It
feels like it's tapping right into what it seems you're talking about. It's
amazing, the power of the body (which, in a dualistic culture like I've grown
up in may be an overly reductive word).

~~~
lawnchair_larry
You won't find scientific information about it, because like Qigong, it's
pseudoscience.

~~~
h1karu
For approximately 500 years [science's] argument for its pre-eminence was that
it could create beautiful toys: aircraft, railroads, global economies,
television, spacecraft. But that is a fool’s argument for truth! I mean,
that’s after all how a medicine show operates, you know: the juggler is so
good, the medicine must be even better! This is not an entirely rational way
to proceed.

-Terrence Mckenna

~~~
nmeofthestate
"Chi" "flowing through the body"? And, from another comment "quasi-quantum
biological enzymes"? (NB: quantum theory pseudo-scientific-bollocks klaxon)

Qigong may get results, but it's certainly pseudoscience. And I bet science
will be what eventually explains why it gets results.

~~~
hosh
Apparently, you have not read that that bollocks klaxon of a paper on arxiv
:-) I know a lot of folks see the words, react with aversion, and stop
thinking, simply dismissing it out of hand. Bots and all.

As for scientific explanations of qigong: there are a few things that cannot
be explained, as it hits the limitations and nature of linguistics and
narrative. There will probably be adequate, scientific models of Qigong, but
by its very nature, scientific method requires a separation of observer from
the observed, and is therefore simply inadequate for explaining anything
related to existence or experiencing. You can talk all you want about gravity,
but it isn't the same as taking a dive off of a cliff. As such, even though
scientific theories may have great predictive powers, they are ultimately not
essentially any different than folklore and myth.

And just to be clear: I don't particularly consider qigong as science or even
pseudoscience. I consider it a method, or perhaps a strategic advantage.
People try to use the "pseudo-science" to persuade others to try qigong. I
have no incentive or desire to try to persuade you of the efficacy and
validity of qigong.

~~~
tripzilch
.. but I think we can all say with certainty there is nothing particularly
"quantum" about it.

------
avighnay
There is a cultural undercurrent to loneliness too

In my previous job (with others from India) at a North European company which
ran out of one of their towns. The loneliness of a beautiful North European
town (100% conservative white population with a sprinkling of chinese
immigrants, we were the first brown people to be seen there) (during short biz
visits) was a striking contrast to our lives in India. So much so that in
weekends, we rushed to get up and catch morning trains to the nearest city,
just to be around a crowd of people (even in the city, we could find what we
needed only in their excellent railway stations cum malls)

The same experience in San Jose, US but worse still as you practically good as
dead without your own car. We (a female colleague and I) tried the fledgling
(2001) train service there and ended up wishing we were wiser. Public
transport in US West seemed to be used only by the socially discarded. I had
to coax our hosts to get a car rented by a US colleague with me as a secondary
driver (due to my foreign car license!) and then only it was FREEDOM! :-)

New York on the other hand, I felt at home. Get down from your hotel and you
are into a sea of walking people Yay!

So an additional point can be being in a place with substantial amount of
people, even if they are strangers gives you a relief from loneliness.

~~~
lingoberry
Very interesting! I'm from one of those beautiful frozen North European towns
and I have the opposite problem when I visit places like China or Japan :) I
do think it's easier to get used to living in crowded places than the other
way around though. What town/country did you live in if I may ask?

~~~
avighnay
Putten, Netherlands

------
kaplejon
This is basically the perfect collection of thoughts for me to be reading
right now. I, and extreme introvert, just moved into my brother's new house.
He is an extreme extrovert.

What struck me most was point "2\. Find people who give you time to speak".

I find myself often surrounded by those people who don't have any of the
empathy to realize I need to let me thoughts work their way to the surface. It
has created a lot of failed attempts to reach out to other people. I get
frustrated, because it leads me to feel like the other person just isn't
listening, because as soon as I do start saying something the other person
will usually jump to a(n incorrect) conclusion about what I'm starting to say,
and interject based on what thought just entered their mind. As a result, I've
spent years with those types never getting to know me, and my attempts to open
up becoming more curt and infrequent.

Conversely, maybe this empathy is why so many people tell me I'm a good
listener. I don't jump to conclusions about what another person is saying. I
rarely even try to work out my response while the other person is still
talking. I let them think, speak, and reason all before reacting. Of course,
with real Type-A personalities this means they will tend to go on forever, and
I don't know how to get them to shut up. Ha. But, they still come away feeling
like I get them. And the effect is quite magnified with anyone who is less
than 100% Type-A.

And perhaps validating this article, taking the time to let these "feelings"
and "thoughts" rise up, I'm finding myself in much greater agreement (and
understanding of self) and will recommit to attempting to surround myself
(most of the time, thought not all of the time) with people who can help me
work in my strengths. The great challenge that will prove while living with my
brother.

~~~
wpietri
I think #2 is awesome. But I've also had to learn to assert my need to be
heard. Sometimes I do that explicitly. E.g., "When you interrupt me like that,
I feel like you're not interested in what I have to say."

But some of it has been observing extroverts interact with one another and
learning their conversational protocols. A lot of people take not-interrupting
as a signal to continue endlessly, and are perfectly happy to be interrupted
if done in certain ways.

Adopting their protocol never feels perfectly comfortable to me. But, then,
neither does trying to figure out how to fake a heart attack so I can get out
of somebody's monologue.

So you might try watching your brother with his friends and see how they
manage to get heard and/or not kill him.

~~~
mercer
> Sometimes I do that explicitly. E.g., "When you interrupt me like that, I
> feel like you're not interested in what I have to say."

Please keep doing that! I struggle with shutting up or not interrupting
people, because I get carried away and because I grew up in a household where
everyone always forcefully asserted themselves (to the point where less-
forceful friends thought we were fighting all the time).

I often feel quite bad afterwards when I realize that I hogged the
conversation, especially because I've had periods in my life where I was
excessively shy and felt awful when people did this to me. My only saving
grace, perhaps, is that while I might not seem to be listening, I soak up
everything the other says, and often get back to that or let it influence my
opinions. It's mostly a conversational 'style'.

But please tell people like me to shut up. It works, we deserve it, it makes
us aware that we get carried away and, from what I've seen, most of 'us'
quickly get over the reprimand.

------
jackschultz
I'm becoming more and more convinced that being able to share secrets with
someone (the last point by the author) is the most important aspect not
feeling lonely. Knowing that someone cares about you enough to listen to your
problems, and respect you enough to not blab them everyone means that you
aren't in this alone.

~~~
scotty79
Sharing painful secrets anonymously with random disposable strangers on the
internet via chatroom helped me a lot when I had to un-love a girl and had no
friends to help me go through this. After less than a year of such chats when
I felt especially sad and lonely I got bored with my own sad story and people
in general and I was cured of my loneliness.

------
sakopov
By definition, I am a chronic loner. I've been a loner for most of my life.
I've had periods when I'd stay awake at night because it would scare the hell
out of me. Lonely people will inevitably start questioning themselves. They'll
start thinking that something is wrong with them. They'll start ripping chunks
out of their soul. Eventually the confidence diminishes and things go downhill
from here.

I said earlier i am a loner by definition. However, I don't consider myself
one. A few years ago I decided to change things. I pushed myself to do
something outside of my comfort zone. In an attempt to lift my confidence I
decided to fly out to France and walk all the way across Spain to the Atlantic
coast on the trail of El Camino de Santiago. After a little over a month of
walking in all kinds of ungodly conditions with nothing but a backpack full of
essentials and meeting and hearing amazing people and their stories, i came
back with an entirely different outlook on life. I came back with my life
priorities figured out. I stopped worrying about life. But most important of
all, i gained my confidence back and i knew that no matter where i am tomorrow
- i will be okay. As a result of all this, i started traveling more and
soaking in as much of the world around me as i could. I decided to live
healthy and entirely transformed my body. Recently, I picked up paragliding
and I'm now working on a paraglider pilot license and hopefully start flying
solo this summer. I wouldn't have dreamed about any of this a few years back.

Alone? Fuck alone! Look at the world around you!! Do something crazy for once
and discover how many doors this opens and what you'll learn about yourself
that's currently hiding behind 10 layers of self-pity.

~~~
blah32497
Your reply reminds me of the fact that people often confound loneliness and
boredom. When your life isn't very engaging you start to feel like you don't
have enough people in your life, and you need people to vent your frustrations
to.

I think if you look at people that have very full busy lives they are not the
sort of people that will often complain about loneliness.

If you look at the top comment for this thread - the suggestion of getting a
significant other is _actually_ about fighting boredom. It's about filling in
all the gaps in your life with what he characterizes as trivial conversations
and concerns.

------
yason
The feeling of loneliness is one thing. The article gives good advice on how
to feel lonely less often.

Being alone is another and much more fundamental. For what I've learned,
accepting the fact that you're here, in this life, alone is the precursor to
any meaningful relationships. Connections with other people are limited,
you've got some things together with one friend and some other things together
with another friend. You probably have lots of things together with your
spouse but there's nobody just like you, and there's no missing half of you
out there that would make you whole.

Everything you need on this journey is within yourself.

And in the end, being alone in this whole world is something that you need to
accept first before integrating other people in your life in any meaningful
(i.e. non-superficial) way. If you know you can handle it: if you know you can
deal with yourself and your life even if you never meet anyone who can give
you all, or at least most of what you need then you're probably set for a good
life -- a life where you have something to give to others too, and where you
have people who give to you as well.

~~~
ct
Kind of like learning to love yourself before others can love you.

------
daily
> A big part of my loneliness was I refused to accept that I am actually a
> pretty introverted, non-verbal person

The author was a senior when I was a freshman in college. He was one of the
upperclassmen that I looked up to. He was very smart, good looking and we hung
out sometimes when he would give me good advice. It never occurred to me that
he's introverted and that he should have a reason to feel lonely. Quite a
strange feeling when I saw this post from twitter. I feel guilty for not
understanding him enough but it's nice to see this useful and positive post.

------
dclara
There is a famous book saying loneliness is the ultimate feeling coming along
with us. So don't be afraid of being lonely. I read another blog post here
talking about enjoy aloneness, which is also great.

If you are confident from inside, ultimately you can overcome the negative
feeling, but enjoy the peaceful feeling for being lonely. At least there is no
hurt from other people.

I agree that you have to give them time to surface. Actually frequently
practicing meditation will help you clear up your mind and let the feeling
surface. Make ourselves strong psychologically will keep us away from feeling
lonely. Of course, always having goal to pursue, you don't have time to feel
lonely.

~~~
mercer
I almost never get lonely, and love being alone. A big part of this is just
personality, I think, but there are two other factors that contribute. First
of all, as you mention, I practiced being comfortably alone. I intentionally
traveled alone, and sometimes chose to sit in a bar all by myself, just taking
in the sights and (initially) feeling very self-conscious. But another
important factor is that being alone is a choice for me. If I don't want to be
alone, I have plenty of close friends, acquaintances, and activities that
would alleviate loneliness.

In fact, the latter might be a much bigger factor that I've realized. The only
times I recall feeling lonely were when I felt a need to socialize or talk to
a friend, but couldn't, or being at a party with nobody to talk to.

~~~
dclara
You are socially and mentally rich since you can really choose and enjoy being
alone and rarely feel lonely. Good for you. But for some other people, when
they feel a need to socialize or talk to a friend, like you said, they may not
be able to find somebody to talk to or share their feelings with. I guess this
is what the blog post meant.

I wish that all of us could enjoy aloneness, this is really something
precious, not only from productivity point of view. When we spend too much
time living or socializing with other people, we enjoy the sharing of the
information and emotion, but we may also lost ourselves. And only when we are
alone, tons of ideas come to us. If you we always are surrounded by some
people, we are drown like drunk. So we need to have time to keep us alone.

However, some people are more or less mentally relying on other people. They
almost need other people's attention every day from time to time, otherwise
they feel lonely. That's why a lot of people are addictive to FB. That's why I
said we need to learn to be mentally and psychologically strong, like you, so
that we don't feel lonely is negative. Hope this is helpful.

~~~
mercer
Exactly! I am happy being alone because it's a choice. And you're right that
the blog post is about loneliness, not solitude.

I had the luck of being dragged out of my loneliness by some wonderful people
(I'm not necessarily mentally and psychologically strong at all), and I only
learned to be happily alone after that. But the ability to choose is crucial
indeed.

~~~
dclara
Me too! I learned over the years and met some people when I was extremely
lonely. I still remember the spark of light when I was "dragged out", it's
unbelievable.

If people are not lucky enough and still feel lonely, I think mediation can
help a little at least. When I first tried to do that, even sometime later,
once I'm in the deep mood, all the feelings from the sub-consciousness level
burst out. Then I become calm and peaceful, because my mind is cleared up.
This is the way we can help ourselves, sometime is even better than helped by
other people.

Some people told me that happiness is a choice. Initially it's hard for me to
accept. But now I feel that if we can make happiness and aloneness as our
choices, we become so powerful in our inner world which makes us really strong
in spirit. But it take time and effort to reach there and stay there.

------
adnzzzzZ
My experience with curing loneliness is very contrary to what the article
states in the sense that I found a way to not feel lonely by being more
disconnected from other people. I realized that I only felt lonely when my
expectations as to how other people should give me their time/attention were
not met, so I purposefully decided to decrease the number and intensity of
interactions with other people.

I haven't felt that soul crushing loneliness that cripples you in about a year
now, and I like to think that that only happened because of lowered
expectations (over time as you interact less intensely with people you'll
naturally come to expect less of them) and because of learning how to be alone
(being alone and being lonely are not the same thing). The article states you
should be around people you know every day and I find that pretty weird. I
think the best way to learn how to not feel lonely is to learn to be content
with yourself, otherwise you'll always rely on other people and so your
feelings of loneliness will fail to go away as soon as other people fail you.

Kinda related:
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HbYScltf1c&hd=1](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HbYScltf1c&hd=1)

~~~
dclara
Yes, I think you have the two points:

1) Lower your expectation. Most of our feeling comes with our expectation. If
we adjust our expectation, things will be much different.

2) Do not rely on other people. It's not only for loneliness. We should rely
on ourselves more and be more confident.

One of the solutions is to find something you can really dedicate to work on
that sucks most of your energy. You will feel less lonely but more rewarded by
the outcome of the work, may it be a game or a business.

~~~
cdcarter
I completely agree with your number one, but personally I find number two to
miss the mark.

One of my resolutions for 2014 is to be less independent. To be open with the
people that I love about what is happening with me, and to have the hard
conversations, instead of letting my hurt stew inside of me.

------
apunic
Loneliness is severe. Stopping this feeling is quite hard and I slightly doubt
that the article's content will help but as somebody wrote, it's a great start
to dig deeper.

1\. What one needs: ideally, you have a significant other (SO) -- I know it's
damn hard to get one but let's first understand why a SO is the number one fix
for loneliness. The SO is somebody no one else can replace, even not your best
friends. Why? There are many reasons but the most important is that we all
require a lot of communication and interaction with like-minded people to be
happy -- this is one of our core needs and if this is lacking just one (!) day
we get depressed. A SO fulfills those communication and interaction needs much
better than any other person because the quantity of communication with your
SO can be very high while the quality can be low. So, what does it mean? You
can call your SO anytime and tell her really minor stuff like 'they have
awesome apples in the store, shall I get some?' or when going to bed you can
talk about how the day went, that traffic today was a pain or you show her
some funny posts on Reddit. Just imagine how many words of unimportant
communication you exchange with an SO in a week vacation. All this sounds
nitty-gritty and totally irrelevant, but the SO is 'always-on', will listen to
any crap and this is something we terribly need. And you can't call or text
your best friend or close co-workers before going to bed to tell them that
today's apples were really juicy. Moreover, we get other amenities like sex or
endearment.

2\. If no SO is present then the next thing you need to not feel lonely are
good or very good friends or let's call them best friends, people who you
really connect to. To find those is as hard as finding your SO and usually you
don't get that a person is about to be your best friend before meeting him/her
over a long period of time. But 'best friends' won't stay -- it doesn't take
too long and the connection you had with them loosens up but you still stick
to them (because they 'are' your best friends), so don't spend too much time
on finding the 'best' friend, any friend will do. However, best friends are
important but can not replace a SO.

3\. The next level of people you need or are rather nice to have are close or
like-minded co-workers. But this is something you shouldn't aspire for and
those connections are very fragile/dynamic because work and life sometimes
doesn't play well together and disappointment is hard-wired. Still, best
friends can be won from co-workers.

So, we know now what we need, let's now find an answer to the question how to
get there.

Finding a SO is very hard and the best way is to go out and create as many
leads as possible -- very helpful is the PUA literature, just google it and
find tons of wisdoms. A lot of stuff is crappy but you will find as much
excellent advice there. And don't think that good looks is the key to find
your SO, it makes life a bit easier but it's definitely not the key.

Similar to before you should go out and meet many, many people -- very good
for this are meet-ups.

But the most important thing: you should NEVER go out and look for _the_ SO or
_the_ best friend. This doesn't work and makes you ultra needy and people will
find you awkward. Simultaneously, you will be disappointed because everybody
you meet seems to be a douche, so start slowly and don't expect wonders.
Connect to MANY people and try to keep relationships superficial, slowly
intense those relationship which look promising but look that you still
connect to MANY people because most people won't match (for being a SO or best
friend). A hint: good matches are usually your close peers, people who are in
similar situations, contexts and/or face same challenges. However, to have a
good evening often you do not need a best friend (of course it's better and
more convenient to have one) but sometimes just some random people work out
too. What can also help: find a personal mission you pursue which is NOT
'finding best friends', starting a startup, a meetup, whatever -- to create a
relationship you need always some hook.

And then after few months everything will come by itself. It's definitely some
work involved but everybody can master it, even the introverts (which is just
often a weak excuse).

To survive the lonely times before -> exercise every day, eat and live well
and most important, stop any kind of drugs, they make your lonely times even
worse.

A side note regarding founders, when starting their business entrepreneurs
have a hard time but this struggle will be rewarded in future and feeling
lonely is often part of the job.

~~~
dalai
I understand what you are trying to say, but I think mercer (in a sibling
thread) has it right. A lot of us are in environments that feel like they are
designed to keep us separated after we enter our professional life. This is
particularly true for people that have moved by themselves to a different
state or country and basically need to build a social circle from scratch. And
this gets more difficult as you grow older.

I live in a central European country for four years now and I find it
extremely hard to meet new people even for a superficial friendship.

\- I have very few coworkers, but even if I didn’t, people tend to keep
professional and private life very separate here. Some actually think they
have “enough” friends and you might never get through to them no matter how
much you try.

\- In my home country I would usually meet people through friends of friends,
but here my friends will rarely bring anyone else of their circle when we go
out (even when asked).

\- Meetups are also a big failure for me. Most of the time they involve huge
groups that are very impersonal. They involve people that are here for a month
up to people that have been here for 20-30 years and have their own cliques
within the meetup. The first year I kept going to the same meetup and kept
introducing myself to the same (more or less) people and held the same
discussion over and over. Each meetup was as if I was there for the first time
and needless to say, I didn’t make a single friend from that. Even in the
smaller ones, it seems that most participate either to spend a night away from
their spouse/“real” friends or just for the activity.

\- Going up to talk to random strangers is also not very common here, but even
if it was, it is unfortunately impossible for me. I feel incredibly self-
conscious and uncomfortable. I tried it when I was in the US where people are
more open and I honestly hated myself. I doubt PUA literature would help.

Anyway, I don't want to be too negative and I also have me to blame for the
situation. What I wanted to highlight is that it also depends on the cultural
environment and the particular circumstances. To me, it is quite indicative
that we have dating websites and meetups and social web sites and whatnot but
we are generally more lonely.

~~~
apunic
Thanks for your reply. I don't have the time to answer your post in detail, so
I give some brief thoughts. I don't know how big your city is but maybe you
should consider to relocate. Capitals are usually the way to go, most people,
open minds. Also some countries/mentalities are more open and some not, so
maybe you should change the country, too. Don't get me wrong but your post
sounds pretty negative, I agree that getting out of loneliness is hard but
it's not impossible. And believe me there is some life-changing pua literature
out there which is very sophisticated and rather about deep psychological
concepts. So, don't judge them before reading them yourself.

> it also depends on the cultural environment and the particular circumstances

Then, why don't you change them?

~~~
dalai
> I agree that getting out of loneliness is hard but it's not impossible.

I don't disagree there. My point (which I probably didn't really make) was
that you can't have a recipe for it. Too much depends on the particularities
of the person and their situation.

> I don't know how big your city is

I live in Munich, which for Germany is big and quite international.

> Don't get me wrong but your post sounds pretty negative

Maybe I focused too much on the bad stuff. I do have some friends, I do have
the opportunity to go out from time to time. It is just that these
relationships are superficial and not as fulfilling. Curiously, others do not
seem to mind at all.

> Then, why don't you change them?

I am actually in the process of doing that even though, professionally, it is
probably a bad move. I've been applying to different places and positions for
some time now, unfortunately I haven't had much luck so far due to various
reasons.

~~~
apunic
Munich is neither bad nor small but still I can imagine that finding friends
there is hard: in Munich you find those networks and circles which exist for
decades and over generations. The people are nice but the fluctuation is too
small, the city is not dynamic, night-life is quite limited, you would need 10
years to get into the society and still some parts would not welcome you.

=> change quickly to a real capital

~~~
sasvari

      Munich is neither bad nor small but still I can imagine
      that finding friends there is hard: in Munich you find
      those networks and circles which exist for decades and over
      generations. The people are nice but the fluctuation is too
      small
    

Compared to the US, you find _decades old networks and circles_ nearly in
every part/city of Europe (at least in Germany). This is just a result of a
quite immobile society until recently. In Munich, fluctuation among _young
professionals_ (20-40) is actually pretty high, or at least higher as you
describe: Munich is one of Germany's economic powerhouses with lots of German
graduates and professionals from the rest of Europe moving to.

    
    
      the city is not dynamic, night-life is quite limited, you
      would need 10 years to get into the society and still some
      parts would not welcome you.
    

I don't really know what you want to imply here: how do you define _dynamic_?
And what should it mean in this context? Munich might not be as _dynamic_ as
London/NYC/SF/Berlin/whatever, but calling it _not dynamic_ doesn't do it
justice.

The rest of your statement is also very prejudiced: it does not take you _10
years to get into the society_ , and that some parts of _every_ society are
not open to foreigners is neither unique to Munich, nor to Germany or Europe.

Regarding Munich night-life: it is definitely not comparable to Berlin night-
life, but still it is quite vibrant. There are two of Germany's biggest
universities in Munich, and roughly >110k students in the city. In summer time
the whole city is out drinking/eating in one of the millions of beer gardens
where it is quite common to sit with total strangers at the same table.

    
    
      => change quickly to a real capital
    

Depending on your field, Munich sometimes is THE place to go/work in Germany:
i.e. you won't find a lot of engineering positions in Berlin, but lots of in
Munich (or generally speaking in southern Germany; but then Munich most
probably is the most open/international city there).

------
mercer
Loneliness has been one of the issues consistently on my mind for at least the
past few years. From my early twenties on I've always lived in big cities.
During my studies I was part of a student organization (very much like a
fraternity), and after that I moved around between cities and as a result I
made many friends, particularly 'expats'.

As I got closer to them, no matter what personality or lifestyle they had,
loneliness was a common feeling. This often led to intense unhappiness and
even outright depression, and some of these friends eventually returned to
their home cities or college cities because they missed their friends.

Over time I started thinking more and more about this issue, as it clearly
seems to be a problem, and a big one at that. I thought about the causes, but
most importantly I tried to think of solutions.

When it comes to causes, one tentative conclusion I have come to is that the
(post-?) modern Western European lifestyle basically sets us up to be lonely.
We compartmentalize our lives to a degree that I haven't experienced as much
in developing nations. Our work is separate from our 'personal' life, as are
our variety of relationships. Our spouses might have never met our colleagues,
our colleagues never met our friends, our friends might never meet our
parents, and so on. The result is a fragmented life where you aren't
automatically part of some community, but where you actively have to maintain
individual and group relationships.

Another effect is that we can (and might have to) be so many different people
in so many different situations, and that we often have to start from scratch
because we move, change jobs, break up, and so on. On top of that, we often
live alone, and put a big emphasis on our individual goals and happiness.

Contrast this with a more 'traditional' society with many family-run shops,
often inside or near the house, huge families that often live in proximity,
and a strong sense of responsibility for these family ties. It's hard to be
lonely in such a situation (although it does exist, and when it does it can be
quite severe).

I've reached a point where I sometimes wonder if our individualism and
emphasis on freedom is worth the drawbacks, of which loneliness is a big one.

In my surroundings at least, loneliness needs to be actively fought. And one
could argue that the pressure resting on a partnership or starting a family is
sometimes too much of a burden, precisely because it is, at least in my world,
one of the few remaining approaches (or at least 'convenient' approaches) to
not be alone.

I've been thinking a lot about experimenting with different ways of living
together and creating new forms of community. I've seen successful
neighbourhood initiatives, for example, where people start interacting more on
a local level. I've seen many flatshares that play a part in keeping
loneliness away. And I've spent much of my life living in 'communal'
environments that were wonderful, especially growing up.

The odd thing about all this is that I am quite solitary and don't generally
feel lonely. I can easily spend days, even weeks, mostly by myself. And yet
this problem bothers me tremendously.

I've been rambling and my apologies for any lack of coherence or over-
generalizing. Let me end with a quote that hopefully does contribute
something. It prescribes what I've personally experienced to be a surefire way
to avoid loneliness, and to foster real connections (and fast, often!):

"We waste so much energy trying to cover up who we are when beneath every
attitude is the want to be loved, and beneath every anger is a wound to be
healed and beneath every sadness is the fear that there will not be enough
time.

When we hesitate in being direct, we unknowingly slip something on, some added
layer of protection that keeps us from feeling the world, and often that thin
covering is the beginning of a loneliness which, if not put down, diminishes
our chances of joy.

It’s like wearing gloves every time we touch something, and then, forgetting
we chose to put them on, we complain that nothing feels quite real. Our
challenge each day is not to get dressed to face the world but to unglove
ourselves so that the doorknob feels cold and the car handle feels wet and the
kiss goodbye feels like the lips of another being, soft and unrepeatable."

~~~
archagon
> _I 've been thinking a lot about experimenting with different ways of living
> together and creating new forms of community._

When I was in college, I lived in a student cooperative during my senior year.
(Ridge House in Berkeley — any co-opers up in here?!) Living, studying,
working, cooking, and partying together with 37 other people in a beautiful
old house that was, however briefly, our collective property, was one of the
most meaningful experiences of my life. For once, even as a life-long
introvert and loner, I felt like I was part of a close-knit community that
stretched back for decades. I saw so many lifelong friendships and
relationships form during my brief time there, and I've been looking to
recreate that experience in my adult life ever since. (From what I've seen of
my fellow ex-co-oopers, many of them feel the same way.)

~~~
uxp100
There are housing co-ops that are not student only, so that would be one
option. I'm far from an expert on this, never lived in a co-op myself, there
may income restrictions, etc. But there are people interested in co-
operative/communal living past college.

I love the concept, unfortunately I find living with lots of people pretty
stressful, though fun.

~~~
mercer
Here in Berlin living in shared housing post-college is quite acceptable. It
doesn't necessarily mean that you share much, but it's always more communal
than living alone. I think it's a very good thing, and I'm happy to see that
this is becoming more common in other cities too (sometimes for 'bad' reasons
like housing prices, but still).

------
jey
Is there any more information about #1, "listen to what your body has to say"?
I've come across this idea in several places lately and want to understand it
better, but haven't found any good resources. Maybe something from cognitive
or somatic psychology? Where does it originally come from? (Psychology?
Meditation?)

~~~
ciclista
I can't help you with a defined origin, but check out the book "Focusing" by
E. Gendlin for a good start on experiencing/understanding the concept.

~~~
dmfdmf
I agree, point #1 comes straight from Gendlin and should be attributed.

------
erikb
Interesting understanding. For me this article would be better named "how to
be less shy". I fight the feeling of loneliness not with other people but by
finding it's source and improving my emotional balance through doing other
things like sport, discovery of new stuff etc. Fighting the feeling of
loneliness with people for an introvert is like fighting the desire to eat
with food for fat people. It solves the feeling problem but not everything
else. For example when I am around other people I often don't feel less lonely
and instead also feel under stress, boringness etc.

------
gggmaster
Some people think you are lonely if your way of living is different from
theirs. More annoyingly, they repetitively tell you that you are lonely. If
you yield to this brainwashing, then you really feel lonely.

~~~
dclara
Some people are needy and always expect to entertained. They keep telling you
not because you are lonely, but they are. If you have this kind of friends,
probably you have to provide something to fill in their loneliness and make
them happy.

------
stevewillows
Years ago my (now ex) wife and my friends would tell venial sins on road
trips. It started out as a bit of a joke, but as we got going the level of
intimacy grew quickly.

~~~
nickthemagicman
Where does a venial sin stop and a serious sin begin?

~~~
stevewillows
For us, we realized we entered into something when we starting discussing why
we viewed the particular 'venial sin' in that certain light.

Like everything dealing with morality and what-not, there's no clear division.
From a traditionally religious standpoint, there isn't really much of a
division either. Christians would say that Jesus died for all sins, not just a
handful of the most interesting ones.

I would say that the line between venial and mortal was a line drawn by man to
feel something.

~~~
nickthemagicman
Interesting. Thanks for the reply. I think you're a whole 'nother level than
me in regards to thinking about this.

------
adrianlmm
...or get marry.

~~~
scotty79
... results may vary.

------
josscrowcroft
Beautiful writing - thank you for sharing.

------
Dewie
If anything I probably should be _more_ lonely. Like a person who bleeds to
death without knowing it because he has no pain receptors where the cut
occured.

~~~
Dewie
Well, that came out a bit too over-dramatic. But I still like the pain
receptor analogy.

