
A 70-year-old's secret to a full and happy life - lynnetye
https://www.keyvalues.com/blog/a-70yos-secret-to-a-full-and-happy-life
======
Diederich
I was raised by my grandparents. They were born in the 1910s, and grew up in
the midwest during the dust bowl and great depression. My grandfather lost
most of his buddies in Guadalcanal and Burma during World War II, and, in his
own words, fully expected to become worm food himself.

He said little, but one phrase he did repeat more than any other was simple:
"Any day you're breathing is a good day." To him, every day, every year, every
one of the six decades past 1944 was a cherry on top gift.

Growing up in the 1970s in the United States, conducting nuclear attack drills
with regularity, many of us felt that it was fairly likely that we would be
incinerated before our 21st birthdays.

"Every day you're breathing is a good day."

There are certainly limits to these 8 simple words, but radical gratitude is
at their core.

It's quite likely that everybody reading this post is having a FAR better life
than 99.9% of every other human being who exists and has ever existed.

I'm a generally happy person because, from a young age, I have chosen to focus
on that simple truth.

This perspective need not lead to complacence. Those who know me will say that
I've always been a driven person, personally and professionally.

Every day you're breathing is a good day. Thanks, grandpa, for the wise words.
He would have celebrated his 100th birthday last month.

~~~
WalterBright
> He said little, but one phrase he did repeat more than any other was simple:
> "Any day you're breathing is a good day." To him, every day, every year,
> every one of the six decades past 1944 was a cherry on top gift.

My father, B-17 navigator, said he accepted that he was going to die in
combat. The odds at the time of surviving were terrible (about 80%
casualties).

He did survive (hence my existence), and told me that whenever he felt down
about something he'd remember his buddies who died in the war and how he'd
been given a chance to live through it, and he'd re-appreciate his life.

Upon his return to the states, the crews were led to tables to eat. There was
nothing to order, the staff assured them "we know what you want." Sure enough,
they did - steak, eggs, tomatoes, etc.

Upon return to civilian life, he said he was astounded by the triviality of
peoples' everyday life concerns. They were going to live another day, what did
they have to be concerned about?

~~~
seppin
> Upon return to civilian life, he said he was astounded by the triviality of
> peoples' everyday life concerns. They were going to live another day, what
> did they have to be concerned about?

Perhaps the key to a well-adjusted view of life is trauma? To show you how
good the rest of life can be.

~~~
trevyn
I really think this is true. I don't know how to extract a prescription from
that, though.

~~~
bamboozled
Can’t you just read about others stories like this and put yourself in their
shoes, I guess it’s enough.

There is suffering on an immense scale daily.

* Warning - Following is Graphic not for sensitive people *

For example I read from the comfort of my bed last night that a beekeeper just
lost practically everything in Australia and when fires ripped through his
property, to add insult to injury, when he went into the Forrest, all he could
hear was a choir of moaning, wounded or dying animals. Koalas, kangaroos etc.

One can easily be grateful this day they didn’t experience something this
catastrophic and that you’re not one of those animals. You can also realise
one day you might be, so while your ok, make the most of it.

Link to the story, again it’s not for the sensitive:
[https://www.abc.net.au/news/2019-11-20/beekeepers-
traumatise...](https://www.abc.net.au/news/2019-11-20/beekeepers-traumatised-
by-screaming-animals-after-bushfires/11721756)

~~~
honzzz
I have to admit that the warning (multiple) for sensitive people bugs me. I
believe you mean well but I think this meme should die. If this is not
overprotectiveness then I do not know what is. You are not leading people to
fire, you are leading them to an article about fire. Everybody reading it
should be happy they can just read about it and they do not have to live it.

~~~
Supermancho
Indeed, nothing says condescending and self absorbed like a disclosure that is
code for "you may be too mentally challenged/fragile to participate in an open
exhange of ideas, particularly these, child"

~~~
bamboozled
It seems you might be the one who is over sensitive?

I didn’t mean it to be condescending at all, I genuinely found that story
super disturbing and I didn’t want to put others through it unless they wanted
to be put through it.

The scene the guy is describing real sounds like an apocalyptic hellscape, if
you’re not somewhat disturbed by it, then I’m not sure what to say.

~~~
honzzz
I am not the one who finds what you wrote condescending but I would like to
ask you a question - you seem to believe that being disturbed by an article is
something bad - where does this come from? Is this common where you live?

It is just that this view seems to be gaining popularity and I don't get it.
Being disturbed by something is an emotion and emotions serve to orient us.
They are useful - both pleasant and unpleasant. Filtering out unpleasant
emotions is like wearing glasses that only let you see things you like - why
would anyone want that? Do you believe this is a good thing?

And BTW, if you find that article disturbing, I would really like to know what
would you think about things like reading The Kindly Ones by Jonathan
Littell... or visiting Auschwitz?

~~~
bamboozled
I think climate change and the current climate emergency will cause more
unimaginable suffering, as bad as imaginable, if you read the article you’d
might realise the fires are a result of severe drought predicted by climate
scientists and caused by climate change.

Therefore I feel some will find this article disturbing because humans and
many living beings have suffered horrible deaths in what I’d call unnatural
ways (fire isn’t new to these animals, the intensity of the fires is). It’s
also a glimpse of more very tragic times ahead.

I put a link to the article and a warning, what do you find so concerning
about it ? Maybe people don’t read hacker news to feel like shit? Maybe some
people are reading who have been directly affected too. So I gave people the
option to skip that article and the details if they weren’t in the mood for it
right now Who cares? I just wanted to give people the choice.

I agree with your point about good and bad emotions. I mean, I read the
article in the first place.

If you have trouble seeing why some would find a forest full of crying animals
who has been partially burned to death sad or troubling with more to come,
maybe you’re someone who has trouble feeling empathy? Which is ok, but you
would have trouble understanding people that might.

By the way, I am from Earth, just like you. I don’t see how that question was
relevant.

~~~
honzzz
>>> If you have trouble seeing why some would find a forest full of crying
animals who has been partially burned to death sad or troubling with more to
come, maybe you’re someone who has trouble feeling empathy?

I have no trouble seeing why some would find it troubling - what I do not get
is why you would think this is a reason to put there the warning. You say it
yourself - we are going to have a lot of problems. Shouldn't you encourage
people to face them? Is it not a good thing to be disturbed by disturbing
things? What is better - that people face the hard truths or that they cover
their eyes in front of them? This is what bugs me on those warnings - that I
perceive them as making our society more fragile and less able to handle the
problems. There is such a thing as too much sensitivity. Coddling is not good
for us.

~~~
bamboozled
I explained why I did it, I think you’re overly concerned about a small
warning.

People seeing disturbing things won’t just stop climate change.

Ignorance and psychopathic behaviour has slowed progress, not empathy and
concern.

------
devmunchies
Hayao Miyazaki (Studio Ghibli) said (at around 70 as well), _" The notion that
one's goal in life is to be happy, that your own happiness is the goal... I
just don't buy it"_

I think as we focus on mastery or craftsmanship, happiness finds us.

Not everyone, but I'd say modern society is hedonistic—we seek happiness
instead of achievement and get neither.

~~~
cmdshiftf4
>we seek happiness instead of achievement and get neither.

Probably because we've been conditioned (through billions of dollars, spent
yearly, on marketing) to believe that happiness comes with the acquisition of
certain items, status or experiences.

We've conflated happiness with dopamine rushes and short-lived pleasure, and
believe the feeling can be elongated by merely emulating the actions which
either provided both or could provide more of both.

Many of us have also altered our lives to support the above mentality - living
in densely packed cities with air and sound pollution, or poor commutes,
working around the clock, or in chaotic and stressful companies, doing
ultimately purposeless or even outright destructive work, with the hopes of
gaining more money or more status to fund the above, etc.

Coupled with the increasing social isolation and division, the never-ending
outrage we're told to feel over today's new issue, which we as a civilization
are going through, it's not hard to see why people are finding it hard to say
they're happy.

~~~
sabas123
But fuck this world if mastering your craft turns out to be just as stressful
and painful as seeking happiness from material wealth.

~~~
saiya-jin
there is no long term happiness from material wealth, unless you heavily
redefine what happiness means

------
topmonk
I think human emotional state is nature's tool to get us to procreate and
improve the chances of our offspring to survive.

If at anytime we become truly happy this hurts these goals. For example, if an
old man could be building a wall or an arsenal of bows an arrows, or inventing
a better way to go fishing, his tribe would be more likely to survive. But if
he just sat there, content to being alive, this is bad for his offsprings'
future.

You could say, well why can't he do these things and be happy at the same
time? I can't really explain why not being happy leads to a better outcome for
the safety and procreation of society in general, but I would assume that it
must serve some purpose in that goal, or the whole concept of it would have
been removed by evolution long ago.

So, I think it's better just to resign yourself to the fact, barring using
mind altering drugs, that you'll never be much happier than you were on
average before, or much sadder, either.

And as far as this 70 yo lady is concerned, I'd bet when this was written she
was simply riding the high of accomplishing something, and probably soon
crashed back down below her baseline, only to recover back to it sometime
later.

~~~
WalterBright
I'm basically a happy person. But that doesn't mean I'm content to sit on the
beach. I can't stand that. I need to be doing something useful.

~~~
topmonk
Yes, but not everyone is like that. Just as some people are taller, smarter,
more artistic, etc. some people have a baseline happiness that is higher than
others. Consider yourself lucky.

~~~
WalterBright
> Consider yourself lucky.

I do. I also feel lucky in that while my eyesight and coordination are poor,
my interests lie elsewhere so that doesn't impair me.

------
starpilot
This is why people make fun of HN.

How to be a billionaire: Work hard!

How to start a business: Start working, believe in yourself!

Now that I've read OP article, I realize what I've been doing wrong all my
life. I had disabled my "fun" switch. Glad someone finally pointed it out.
Everything is so much better now, wow! Thank you!

~~~
chillwaves
I value this comment. I find the original article akin to associating a good
"soul" or a condemned "soul".

It is hand waving simplicity against the complex reality of biological
limitations. Some people simply have more endurance for the suffering of life,
better motivation or better opportunity and environment.

I want everyone to live to seek their potential, but there is no answer to
finding peace (or happiness) in life.

At least not an answer that can be communicated through words.

~~~
sabas123
> It is hand waving simplicity against the complex reality of biological
> limitations. Some people simply have more endurance for the suffering of
> life, better motivation or better opportunity and environment.

I expected the general population of HN to be well trained enough to instantly
realize this. I guess it was my fault for tricking myself in believing I could
find such a place.

------
Cougher
This reminds me of the Monty Python skit, "How To Do It". To rid the world of
all known diseases, "become a doctor and discover a marvelous cure for
something, and then, when the medical world really starts to take notice of
you, you can jolly well tell them what to do and make sure they get everything
right so there'll never be diseases any more." The secret to a happy life is
to be happy now instead of waiting for stuff!

~~~
ronilan
Here is:
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_ryjjeNc5k](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_ryjjeNc5k)

------
yters
When I step back and look at my life, I have to say it is pretty good. I get
agitated when I lose perspective and magnify some particular bad thing. Also,
as a Christian, this gives me the ultimate relief, because I can step back and
say whatever unimaginably horrible thing is happening God is ultimately in
control orchestrating things for maximal good, of which maximal good is also
at some fundamental level in line with my intuition of maximal good, so I'll
be satisfied in the end of it all. And if God doesn't exist, then nothing
matters anyways, so why worry? Either way, no reason to worry in any ultimate
sense. Sort of like the opposite of Pascal's wager. Worry has no rational
basis regardless of one's worldview.

~~~
david-gpu
> And if God doesn't exist, then nothing matters anyways, so why worry?

I'm not trying to start a pointless debate, your comment really made me
curious.

Let's imagine the Christian god doesnt't exist. How does that logically lead
to nothing mattering?

As a lifelong atheist there are plenty of things that matter to me: the well-
being of people (particularly those around me), peace, justice, climate
change, etc. Are these goals not valuable in themselves?

~~~
NeoBasilisk
Things can matter to you, but they are not things that objectively matter.

~~~
dragonwriter
That's true even if God exists; the fact that some things subjectively matter
to God doesn't make them matter objectively. It may mean that there are
consequences that matter subjectively to you for not prioritizing them,
though.

------
ericajohnson
Dr. Bik Kwoon Tye could be a poster child for Dr. Seligman's work in the field
of positive psychology! This story reminds me so much of a book I just
finished reading: The Happiness Advantage.

"Conventional wisdom holds that if we work hard we will be more successful,
and if we are more successful, then we’ll be happy. If we can just find that
great job, win that next promotion, lose those five pounds, happiness will
follow. But recent discoveries in the field of positive psychology have shown
that this formula is actually backward: Happiness fuels success, not the other
way around."

~~~
AnIdiotOnTheNet
Does it? A lot of the people I know who've accomplished significant things did
so not because they were happy, but because they tried harder than anyone
else. They were not satisfied with the way things were and put a lot of effort
into changing them. I myself didn't lose half my bodyweight because I was
happy, quite the contrary, I hated --and still hate-- my body. That kind of
motivation is incredibly helpful for overcoming the suffering required to
accomplish big things.

Success will not make you happy, this my experience agrees with, but I'm
equally sure that happiness will not make one successful.

~~~
lynnetye
I didn't read the book the OP quotes, but it rings true to me on many levels.

While happiness doesn't guarantee success, it sure has hell makes it easier to
work hard!

The darkest year of my life was sophomore year in college. I wasn't doing well
in my classes, so I dropped some hobbies to make more time to study. I got out
of shape, gained weight, lost touch w/ my friends, put more pressure on myself
to make all of these sacrifices "worth it," and welp – my grades never
improved.

The next year, I fell in love w/ this boy.

After what most people call a downward spiral, I essentially fell straight
into an upward spiral! Falling in love was (and still is)... inspiring. I got
back into shape, rejoined all of the teams and activities I had quit, and also
got straight A's in not four, not five, but all six of my classes (at MIT).

Being happy doesn't magically transport you to the finish line, but it
certainly makes running the race more enjoyable. As the quote says, happiness
is indeed _fuel_.

And lastly, I don't know if you're proud of yourself for losing so much
weight, but you ought to be! When I get out of shape, my goal usually starts
out as "I want to feel good in my body." But every time I start the process
(and it happens frequently because I'm a bit of a yo-yo-er), I start to get
really geeked by the _progress_. Progress is one of the only things that
reliably and consistently makes me happy. (It's the best!!!)

~~~
AnIdiotOnTheNet
> Progress is one of the only things that reliably and consistently makes me
> happy.

My experience is that if you rely on progress for your emotional wellbeing you
will not have a good time. Progress too easily slips backwards or plateaus for
long periods of time. It sounds like the kind of ting someone would say during
the easy beginning stages of of a thing.

------
UnpossibleJim
Weirdly enough, I was having a chat with my mom about this sort of thing last
night (she's 69, not 70, so I'm not sure she's old enough for her opinion to
count, yet). Both of us were chatting about our tendency to be solitary and
only see family and a couple of core friends. Past that, we'll hide away in
books and study for days and not notice, perfectly happy but when we have to
come out of our houses we are out of sorts with the world and it scares us a
little that we are so very happy in this hermit way. We have to force
ourselves to be social, which is supposed to be the key to long life and
happiness - and we try, but it comes so foreign to some. I have to wonder if
these 'keys to happiness' are as universal as advertised.

And for the record - we both are social, but it isn't our natural state =)

~~~
lynnetye
If socializing feels uncomfortable at first, but rewarding after, then it
sounds like it's a good thing to "force" yourself to do. But if you're doing
it just because you think you're supposed to and it actually isn't enjoyable,
then maybe you can rethink what "being social" means. Or rather, rethink how
you practice it. You don't have to leave your house in order to make friends,
build relationships, or feel connected to other people! Invite people over. Or
if you prefer 1-on-1 interactions, just invite one person over at a time.

My husband is super introverted and will always choose being alone over being
in a big group of people. I'm the complete opposite. But we're both still
social animals. We both get energized by camaraderie, interesting
discussions/debates, and human connection – we just have different preferences
for _how_ we engage w/ and achieve those things.

------
callesgg
The secret is lie about how happy your life is.

To others to yourself. To everyone.

~~~
colecut
Funny how true this is really.

Can't intentionally smiling release the same chemicals in your brain that are
released when you are happy about something in a sort of backwards effect?

~~~
abhinuvpitale
Fake it till you make it? I definitely think this helps in case of happiness,
since a 'deliberate' smile makes folks around you friendlier and happier.
That, in turn, enforces the same emotion on to you!

~~~
seppin
It's more a case of doing something everyday, eventually you become that
thing. It's just a matter of time and consistency.

Faking happy could very well be one of those things.

------
doodlewind
My grandpa is an agriculture scientist. He graduated from university before
the Culture Revolution disaster, and still served the country selflessly. In
the 1980s he won Chinese national science first prize.

He raised me up and I am proud of him. All the difficulties and chaos that
happened in this country doesn't affect his perseverance doing researches and
making my family better off. He is still optimistic and healthy today. With
your stories, I found that as human being, we are really seeking for and
sharing similar happiness, which can go beyond ideology.

Thanks for all your sharing again.

------
toephu2
Haven't seen anyone talk about it but I believe happiness is partly
hereditary. It's genetic (not totally, but it must play a big part, since
depression is heredity[1]).

Just think about yourself and your own natural happiness level. For my
siblings and I, it seems very similar to our parents. Of course not everyone
is this way but I definitely believe some people are born a lot happier than
others.

[1]actually the jury is still out on that one

~~~
Doingmything123
Isn't this the nature vs nurture debate? It seems like this could just as
easily be attributed to growing up in a good/happy family. Not to say that
genes have no effect, I just think the environment you are raised in has a
more significant effect.

------
gfs78
Happiness is not about achieving your goals or having a stress free life or
anything related to wealth.

Happiness is about being able to live in the present moment and share your
life with the people that you love. Of course a minimum of wealth, health,
etc. is needed and that minimum could be quite an effort to reach depending on
where you start with.

I´ve never met a happy unloved person no matter how rich or powerful.

------
paulz_
The author also did an episode of Indie Hackers [0] which is in my opinion the
best episode of that podcast.

I wish her and Courtland would do a regular podcast together.

[0] [https://www.indiehackers.com/podcast/086-lynne-tye-of-key-
va...](https://www.indiehackers.com/podcast/086-lynne-tye-of-key-values)

~~~
lynnetye
Aw shucks, thanks for saying so! :) And if by regular you mean once a year,
your wish may very well come true...

------
ken
Even as homogeneous as the set of HN readers tends to be, we can't agree on
anything. The idea that there is a singular "key that unlocks everything" in
_life_ is downright bizarre. You probably wouldn't copy her diet or sleep
schedule or religion or footwear or anything else. Why would anyone look to
adopt her life philosophy? Monty Python and Douglas Adams mocked this very
idea.

The author has her MBTI on her profile, and it's nearly the opposite of mine.
That suggests to me that her preferences are likely quite different from mine.

------
Pistos2
Here's something I sometimes tell people:

Contentment comes when "the way you want it" and "the way it is" overlap
enough -- but sometimes in life, you can really only change one of those.

~~~
jodrellblank
" _So the secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the
point where they 're already met?_" \- Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson,
1992 -
[https://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/1992/02/11](https://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/1992/02/11)

------
hindsightRegret
Is this an article or a commercial? Psych, it's both!

------
ropiwqefjnpoa
FTA: "Making "have fun" the goal is the key that unlocks everything"

This is enticing blanket statement. However, there are many things you'll need
to do that will not or should not be fun. And if you fully believe this
sentiment, during those times you are not having fun, you may feel like you're
"doing it wrong" when this is just how it is and that's ok.

Happiness is more related to contentment than fun.

------
spark28
Wow, I went to Cornell and actually remember a professor Tye! It's something
we all need to be reminded of — happiness isn't the destination, but rather
our mind-frame along the way. It's easy to get trapped in the mundane, daily
grind if we forget to keep prioritizing (and re-evaluating) our happiness,
especially when it sometimes flies in the face of what's "societally
important".

------
Scapeghost
The secret to a happy life is ignorance. As in not caring about stuff.

There's too much depressing shit in the world, too many injustices happening
to other people and lifeforms, to truly be happy with that knowledge even if
your own life is perfect.

~~~
keyle
You might find that stoicism is the better approach rather that pure
ignorance.

Living in ignorance and seeking to learn nothing is just fueling the dystopian
world we're walking into.

The most content people in the world are people who know everything there is
to know about physics, philosophy, chemistry etc. That deep knowledge opens
their eyes to the big picture.

Ignore the news, but learn everything there is to know about humanity.

~~~
aurbano
You've managed to put my feelings in words really accurately.

I don't know if this is the best way to be, but it works remarkably well!

------
starpilot
This is just an ad for a job board, "Key Values"

------
alexanderscott
click bait for author’s software

------
pi-squared
TLDR: Have fun. Otherwise: ad/clickbait for author's startup.

------
GoodJokes
Cool way to use your mom to advertise for your company.

~~~
starpilot
Why was this flagged? This is exactly what it is.

------
bitfhacker
It's similar to the half glass of water... Do you see the glass half full or
half empty?

~~~
noonespecial
Wait. You got a _glass_? Lucky.

~~~
peristeronic
House? You were lucky to have a HOUSE! We used to live in one room, all
hundred and twenty-six of us, no furniture. Half the floor was missing; we
were all huddled together in one corner for fear of FALLING!

