

Social Skydiving with a Code Monkey Day 15: Half Way There - darkxanthos
http://socialskydivingwithjustin.posterous.com/social-skydiving-day-15-half-way-there

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wallflower
Congratulations. Most people wouldn't make it to day 1. And I mean that.

Your 30-day quest has sucked me in with your honesty and commitment...in
process of reading from day 1...might take some time.

I really like your statement of how you are comfortable with introversion yet
you would like to "add to who I am rather than to try and be someone I'm not"

> Do I think introverted is equivalent to being defective? God no. Knowing how
> to be an introvert brings with it a unique set of skills. Being able to be
> alone for extended periods and not needing external approval as much as the
> next person can be extremely freeing. However, not being sure how to relate
> to and talk with people can also be proportionately debilitating. So my
> ambition here is really formed of the desire to have more skills and add to
> who I am rather than to try and be someone I'm not.

------
ErrantX
I feel really strongly for this guy - clearly he has an awkward social problem
(many people do to different degrees).

But I cant help feeling this is completely the wrong way to focus on improving
things :( random social interactions is _very_ infrequent to _everyone_. The
kind of conversations he has forced in the last 15 days are very artifical.
THe people he is talking too probably share all of the awkwardness he is
feeling - which he then attributes to himself.

Humans dont interact like that - we build connections through familiarity etc.
Where are the real friendships? That is what he needs to look at - they will
be MUCH more beneficial IMO.

~~~
darkxanthos
Thanks for your comment... You have a very good point that I'd like to make
sure gets addressed. I'm gonna mark this comment so I can circle back around
to it by the end of my 30 days.

Just so I can understand the context, are you coming from a similar POV as me
or have you been fairly social most of your life? This isn't an attempt to
invalidate your comment in any way but just so I can get a feel for what your
perspective is based on.

~~~
ErrantX
Yes from a similar perspective, sort of.

I had few friends at school and when I was dropped into university it was like
shell shock! Nothing to talk about.

I was lucky enough to make a couple of good mates and later made a really good
friend on my course (at first I was really rude to him - he was being friendly
and I had no idea how to respond). Beyond that group of 8 or so people I
struggle to interact socially (or used to).

I get the thinking behind this exercise is great: Im just worried your setting
a lot by it. I've spent time studying social interaction becuase i find it
interesting. Take talking to people on buses - your unlikely to make headway
of any sort _all the time_ because people just dont respond to that. The
social consensus tells people that if someone talks to them in that situation
out of the blue they are either mad or bad! I mentioned familiartiy before:
generally people will accept nods, a shared joke or very very minor small talk
in the situations your putting yourself in. If they see you in that context a
few times in a row they will be happier to open up more because of familiarity
(he talkjed to me before, the world didnt end, safe).

I think your 30days thing will be of value as long as your take away is that
people are very introvert people generally and your social difficulties are
perhaps exacerbated but not unique (aka everyone feels a _bit_ like that). I
do feel the most _important_ thing is to make longer term friendships. They
will be a lot more beneficial (in my experience)

EDIT: where do you live? Im guessing the US which is the shame otherwise I
would happily pop by and say hi in person (meeting someone I had "broken ice"
with online really helped me once).

EDIT: to add a bit more - you've done amazingly well to get this far in.
congrats! The secret is, Im guessing, that most "normal" (as in socially
comfortable) wouldnt have made it this far.

~~~
raffi
"The social consensus tells people that if someone talks to them in that
situation out of the blue they are either mad or bad!"

This is what some would call "a limiting belief" and I used to feel this way.
Every interaction is between the two people in it and it is a mix of what both
people bring to it. There is a lot of communication happening with body
language and tonality. I find when I feel clear, confident, and good--others
feel this in my presence. By bringing this energy into the interaction (even
in a normally non-social situation), comfort/safety is easy to establish, and
going further isn't difficult.

Here is another way of thinking about new meetings: "I'm a great person, who
wouldn't want to know me?" now when you're meeting people instead of fearing
that they'll think you're "mad" or "bad" you can think "I'm doing this person
a favor by meeting them". And if you really are a great person then this
statement is absolutely true.

Here is why I care enough to write a long comment--when I was doing what the
OP is doing, I felt awkward about it and felt like it was a secret, primarily
because I was tired of hearing things like what you're saying. I'm glad I
managed to avoid these kinds of messages and just push forward.

~~~
ErrantX
Well Im more talking about situations like, say, at a bus stop.

My comments aren't from personal experience but observation of such
conversations. Often the initiator _is_ very charismatic - and usually fails
to notice the discomfort of the other person. A bus stop (sticking with this
example) is not somewhere you expect to be talked to - so it comes as a
surprise; and the majority of people don't recover quick enough from surprise
to their "head" to overrule and "gut" reaction (I find this sort of thing
fascinating btw).

It's a sub-concious "gut" reaction with it's roots in the "don't talk to
strangers" thing we are ingrained with as children.

You make a great point about how one should approach a meeting though (and I
wholly agree with it) - in my point I never made a distinction between that
and what I was trying to analyse :)

~~~
raffi
Great! We're on the same page now, different sides of experience. It's
unfortunate that we were ingrained with that "don't talk to strangers"
mentality--I understand the reason for it, but it does hurt us as adults.

The surprise thing is not what causes someone to overrule their gut reaction.
Someone once described it to me like this: When two people meet, an invisible
exchange of information is initiated. Each person quickly learns about the
other person's emotional state before a word is said. Each person then acts in
accordance with how they perceive the other person.

Fortunately for us, tweaking this stuff and avoiding negative transmissions is
possible. If I cross my arms, I'm communicating that I'm closed off. If I lean
in, I'm communicating that I'm more interested than you are, etc.

If you have neutral body language, make sure the person can hear you (i.e. get
their attention and do it with authority), and don't look down--you're halfway
there.

Learning these body language things and some basic social skills are what it
takes to become very charismatic and these are things that can be taught.

A bus stop, subway, bookstore, hostel, and even the grocery store are all
places where people can be met. Sure some situations are more comfortable than
others and there is no need to try to stack the deck against yourself by
meeting people in situations that you're less than comfortable with. But when
"learning" it is a big confidence booster to make some of these harder things
work and it can work. It really is the social equivalent of sky diving. :)

~~~
aikiai
I have found from my experiences trying to force myself out of my comfort
zone, that the experience of being approached and spoken to a stranger is
MILDLY disorienting and raises certain alarms.

 _However_... it is not nearly as awkward for the receiver as most people
think it will be. It is mostly stressful for the initiator.

The main concern from the receiver's side is, what does this person want from
me. The golden phrase for me when someone doesn't open smoothly is,

>>"I just saw you sitting there, and you seemed like a really interesting,
stylish person."

Or some other statement of interest. That seems to set their minds at ease,
because you've "shown your cards" as it were, and aren't about to spring some
sales pitch on them.

------
stcredzero
_To sum it up, we all speak our own language and every person I talk to I try
to treat as though I am trying to figure out how to translate my language into
theirs._

It's this realization that's the "line in the sand" for me. If the other
person doesn't realize this, this indicates a certain paucity of imagination
and lack of curiosity on their part. It is a prerequisite for many forms of
intelligent conversation -- namely the forms of intelligent conversation I am
the _least_ conversant in. In other words, it's how I can access what is
_most_ deserving of my curiosity.

