
Ask HN: What books/activities do you recommended for being more charismatic? - ronald_raygun
One of my big goals for 2019 is to become more charming and charismatic. What resources have helped you guys?<p>One that helped me a lot personally was this book &quot;never split the difference&quot;
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danieltillett
I am by nature not the most charming person in the world, but with effort I
can be extremely charming and even charismatic.

The approach I use is to really listen to people talking and work out what
they are trying to say and mirror it back to them in a more eloquent manner.
The result is they think the two of us have totally "clicked". I rarely use
this approach as it is mentally very taxing and I don't need to charm many
people, but it is very effective.

Another strategy that works well for creating friendships is to build a
thicket of small favours. Ask for some small favour and then let the other
person ask you for something small in return. Repeat.

It is always best to be in favour debt with other people (you owe them) than
the reverse. There is no better way of creating a true enemy than really
helping someone and not letting them return the favour.

~~~
vergessenmir
This is an interesting piece of advice and I will try it. I have a peculiar
nature where I go out of my way to help others but resist favours and help. It
is not received very well and have always been confused by it.

Can you expand on 'there is no better way of creating a true enemy than ...'

~~~
danieltillett
It appear that people are not very good at carrying the psychology burden
caused by not being able to return help. They need to find some way of
unloading this debt and if they can't help you back, the best solution seems
to be to turn it into hate.

The people who hate me the most in the world are not those that I have
wronged, but those I really helped.

Make sure that if you help someone that you ask them for some help back - it
doesn't need to be anything big, but the sooner you unload the debt the
happier the person will be towards you. If there is nothing you need help with
just make something up and then say thank you.

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mcv
What always strikes me when people talk about their interactions with
charismatic people, is that they often say that the charismatic person seems
genuinely interested in the person they're talking to, and that they make them
feel like the most important person in the room.

So I'm starting to think that maybe that's an important key to charisma: being
genuinely interested in the person you're talking with, and making them feel
important, loved and understood.

I haven't applied it myself, though.

~~~
wallflower
Politics aside, I'm fascinated by the personal recollections of people who
have met Bill Clinton [1]. Bill Clinton is legendary for making people who
shake his hand feel like they are the most important person in the room.

A book I read (believe it was something like ‘What got you here win’t Get you
there’) said something that has stuck with me. Paraphrased: "Everyone can be
as charismatic as Bill Clinton. You do it on a job interview or on a first
date. The secret is... he does it all the time"

"Clinton had this huge charisma. He was wearing a pair of black trousers and a
blue checked shirt with his sleeves rolled up. His presence made everyone
around him so comfortable. He had this extraordinary ability to make us feel
very special. He took time out to speak to each one of us asking about our
family, where we were raised and educated, what were the things in our life
that we hold important." [2]

[1]
[http://www.bing.com/search?q=meeting+bill+clinton+%2B+charis...](http://www.bing.com/search?q=meeting+bill+clinton+%2B+charisma&go=&qs=n&form=QBRE&pq=meeting+bill+clinton+%2B+charisma&sc=0-0&sp=-1&sk=)

[2] [https://m.telegraphindia.com/states/west-bengal/meet-
billary...](https://m.telegraphindia.com/states/west-bengal/meet-billary-his-
charisma-and-her-composure/cid/1282133)

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hoodwink
The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox-Cabane is pretty solid, but actually
implementing the concepts in practice versus simply understanding them in
theory is always the hard part. I used a combination of Anki flashcards and
Readwise [0] to decent success. I also worked with an incredible communication
coach in SF.

The Charisma Myth, FYI, is that you’re naturally born with charisma. The
reality is that charisma can be nurtured.

[0]: [https://readwise.io](https://readwise.io) (full disclosure I am one of
the creators)

~~~
neduma
> I also worked with an incredible communication coach in SF

reference?

~~~
hoodwink
Fonta Hadley (Eloquence Studios)

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strikelaserclaw
Be yourself, have a strong belief in something, be courageous. Most real
charismatic people have lived a rich life with lots of experience in success
and failures; They always have strong fundamental beliefs, an ethos about the
world that they try to carry out. There is no "risk free charisma for dummies"
kinda thing. Instead of trying to chase a mythical charisma, try to find out
what you really believe in, what kind of dreams you have based on those
beliefs, and try to gain experience by doing things.

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darrelld
1/ Get a full night's sleep so you'll be at your most alert and aware.

2/ Have strong opinions that are loosely held but be open to having your mind
changed

3/ Listen. No, really listen. Shut up, stop just waiting to respond to what
someone said and listen to them as if you made the first contact with an alien
species that was giving you the keys to the universe. Don't interrupt, don't
rush to spout out an answer. Don't let your mind wander

4/ Make solid eye contact.

5/ Smile as much as you can. Note: Don't force a fake smile if you're not
feeling it.

6/ Don't be overly negative or critical. Don't be an asshole.

7/ Give honest and genuine compliments.

Also, I have a specific playlist of music that gets me in an active mood that
I listen to before any social events, speaking to a group or going out on
dates. It's made a world of a difference for me.

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csnewb
You can't learn this in a book. You need to put yourself out there (in social
settings) and learn through trial and effort. Much like reading books about
weight lifting won't make your body grow muscle, you need to actually get
inside a gym and put in the work.

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david2016
“It's Charisma, Stupid” by Paul Garaham.

[http://www.paulgraham.com/charisma.html](http://www.paulgraham.com/charisma.html)

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aqi
I'd highly recommend learning some improvisational theatre. It requires a lot
of the same skills that being charismatic does. Taking an improv class in
college was a revelatory experience to me because it showed me exactly how I
had been sabotaging my own social interactions. If you can't take a class or a
workshop, try to read "Improv Wisdom".

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trcollinson
There is a quote that says:

“Next to being witty, the best thing is being able to quote another’s wit.”

I would point out another important quote I live by:

“It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read a book of quotations.”

So I guess you could say I’m uneducated. But I believe I am a bit more
charming and charismatic because I can quote others appropriately at the right
times.

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DeonPenny
How to make friends and influence people

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tabtab
Re: _What books /activities do you recommended for being more charismatic?_

Try alcohol. It may not work for everybody, but experimentation is part of
science.

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nwmcsween
Be happy, charisma will come naturally if you are happy

~~~
gnulinux
But "how to be happy" is an even harder question.

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goodJobWalrus
The charisma Myth

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sralbert
twitch.tv/mang0

