
Growing Independence - luu
https://www.jefftk.com/p/growing-independence
======
coderintherye
I really love this particular example:

"About a year ago I brought Lily to an amusement park. Near the end of the day
there was a roller coaster she wanted to go on, but it was too scary for me,
so I told her I wouldn't go on it with her. She asked if she could go on it by
herself, but you needed to be 48" to ride alone. She told me she was going to
find someone else to ride with her, and I didn't object. She wandered a bit
with me until she identified someone who I think she thought was sufficiently
non-threatening (middle-aged woman hanging out with family) and Lily asked me
if I would be willing to ask on her behalf. I declined, expecting Lily would
be too shy, but Lily went up, explained the situation, and asked if they would
go with her. They were a bit confused, confirmed the situation with me, asked
me if I was ok with it, and I emphasised that it really was fine if they said
no. They decided to do it, and as far as I could tell both had a really good
time."

This is just such a great example of what we're losing in society and
community, the ability to put some trust in others, even with things that are
really important to us. I'd love to work on ways to help people regain and
build that ability to trust in others.

------
jbergknoff
Many great examples here, and my wife and I do many of the same things, but
it's not always this easy. If your child is receptive to these things, like
the children in the article, that's great. Our younger one is receptive and
our older one is getting there as he ages. If we judged ourselves as parents
based on just the younger, we'd think we were amazing parents making all the
right choices. If we judged ourselves just on the older, we'd think we were
completely ineffective at, e.g., fostering independence.

I just hope nobody's reading this and feeling bad about their parenting. The
personality of the child is critical.

~~~
ftio
Before I became a parent, I was always a believer in 'nurture' over 'nature'.
I believed that our personalities and our behaviors were mostly shaped by
upbringing and environment and very little by genetics.

Now, as a parent, I've done a 180.

My three-year-old has a distinct personality that clearly draws on elements of
mine and my wife's, but he's been exhibiting little behaviors all his own
since infanthood that have become more fully formed as he's grown into a
little kid. In the moment, we didn't recognize that those behaviors were
'personality', but with hindsight it's clear that that's what we were seeing.

We do our best to nudge him in the right direction (sometimes very firmly),
but like the OP and like you, we've come to realize that our job isn't to mold
or shape him (or anything that active) but rather to be a set of guardrails
that help to keep him safe and a step stool he can use to flourish into a
fuller version of the person he already is.

------
coderintherye
This is great and applies equally well as advice for managers (and especially
executives) of how to work with their employees. For a more job-oriented set
of similar advice, I highly recommend "Turn the Ship Around" by Capt David
Marquet.

The core premise of both of these is not letting responsibility gravitate by
default to those in power above you. It prevents a mentality of "I just take
orders" or "I just do what I'm told." Granted, it requires the support of
those above you (as seen with the parent in the article being very supportive
of this way of thinking) and it also requires people to be open to learning to
work in this way (some people have gotten so rigid in how they work they won't
be able to make the leap).

~~~
mberning
It’s Your Ship by Abrashoff is really good too.

------
clairity
> "As soon as our kids could walk we started teaching them how to stay out of
> the street. This was some work, but when we fully trusted that they would
> stop at the corner they gained the freedom to run ahead on their own. When
> they were little I couldn't let them get too far ahead, though, or other
> adults who didn't know that these particular kids knew to stay out of the
> street would get worried and try to protect them."

i did this with my dog, largely for the same reasons cited:

> "Not only does it make their lives better, because they can meet their own
> needs how they want, but it makes my life easier, because they can handle
> more on their own."

also, to give her a measure of freedom and develop self-confidence. she's a
rescue, likely abused by her previous owners, and had lost all confidence in
herself and trust in others. it's been great for the both of us.

------
stkai
The second bullet point, forcing them to wait before he answers, is basically
"Ask the Duck"
([https://hwrnmnbsol.livejournal.com/148664.html](https://hwrnmnbsol.livejournal.com/148664.html)).
It's been invaluable for me (and for the colleagues who ask too many easy
questions).

------
Kluny
This blog is an absolute treasure. Bookmarking for future reads.

------
jancsika
> When they were little I couldn't let them get too far ahead, though, or
> other adults who didn't know that these particular kids knew to stay out of
> the street would get worried and try to protect them.

You have to love the phrasing of the problem: "other adults" reinforce the
wrong lesson about independence for the author's children.

How do _the general concerns of people who aren 't us_ factor into these
lessons about independence?

~~~
jefftk
I'm not really sure what you're asking?

I don't blame adults who don't know these specific children for being
concerned for their safety, even though it might mean I need to visibly parent
more than I would prefer.

------
gowld
There's some subtle sexism in that story.

~~~
champagneben
I'm not sure why you're being downvoted. If the text had said white person, it
would have obviously been racist.

Perhaps because sexism in this instance is completely acceptable? I'm not
objecting to that, by the way.

~~~
jasonv
My family watches CinemaSins. Instances of racial depictions are often tagged
with a verbal, "That's racist!" when, sometimes, it's "race-ial" content or
even the mere mention of race. "-ist/-ism" usually connotes negative
orientations, or heavily biased presentations.

Can't imagine how to navigate this these days, but maybe there's a layer
between.

