
Ask HN: What is wrong with me? - gatocathon
I am getting confirmation day by day that people dont want to spend with me. Usually I do small talk, initiate conversation but it seems many people I come across do talk only because I initiated conversation.<p>I also feel resistance when I ask someone to go out on outings, trip or to bar&#x2F;club.<p>Without saying it goes that I still don&#x27;t have GF or wife. I  am 29 and getting near 30 is a bit scary.<p>What is wrong with me, seriously ?
======
Red_Tarsius
I'm younger than you, but I used to have similar issues. I think you have to
realize that you're a worthy human being and don't need to seek approval in
_back-up friends_. People "smell" neediness and low-self esteem: do something
that makes _you_ proud of yourself and stop listening to social pressures of
any kind. You don't have to become a jerk, but seek balance.

Insecure men also struggle with their _manliness_. This is usually a taboo
topic, but you need to address it and be sincere about it: do you feel
emasculated? _" Without saying it goes that I still don't have GF or wife. I
am 29 and getting near 30 is a bit scary."_ There are more people than you
realize in your same situation; worse, there are people who married early and
are now stuck in a loveless, bleak marriage. one of my mentors – I respect him
so much! – found the love of his life in his late 40s, after an awful, awful
marriage.

You're a free, young man in his quest for manhood and respect. Just like
everyone else. :)

Lastly, let me link you to a post where I addressed my insecurities:
[https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=8745651](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=8745651)

If you need an e-mail pal, reply to this post and I'll give you my contact
information. :)

~~~
weavie
On the subject of manliness, get to the gym. Lift some heavy weights. It will
do wonders for your testosterone levels which will in turn boost your
confidence and esteem. As a bonus you will also look better and feel better.

~~~
sandmanxc
This is true, if you can get over the fact that results will come very slowly,
and that, in the gyms I've visited at least, most of the people there are
already ripped and can make you feel somewhat inadequate.

~~~
weavie
Results come a lot quicker for beginners. If you are feeling intimidated about
going to the gym at first, it would be worth getting a personal trainer who
can show you the ropes and get you started on a program. It gets rid of the
fear of being that beginner who has no idea what they are doing.

~~~
joeyspn
True story... In 6 months hitting the gym 3/4 times a week any gym newbie see
a huge change.

------
watt
This is in fact normal and nothing is wrong.

If you are throwing a party and invite 100 guests, only 10 will show up. 9 out
of 10 will flake out. This is normal and that's how people work.

People don't initiate conversations. It's very rare to meet somebody who will
initiate conversation, and keep it going. If you want to have good time,
that's on you (to keep finding topics and jumping from theme to theme, have a
lively back-and-forth going). It's a skill you can learn and is incredibly
easy when you get in the groove.

People don't jump on it, when you invite them to something. For 10 attempts to
do something, only 1 will succeed. The key is to keep going and simply have
100s of ideas and keep inviting people. If you are not inviting, nobody is and
NOTHING ever will happen. People just keep waiting around, standing around and
are incredibly passive in general.

And it's not like everybody is going to parties and you alone are not invited.
Nope. It's a desert. In fact, if you yourself don't think of some activity,
nothing is happening ever. And most people seem OK with this kind of quiet
existence.

The only thing wrong with you is that you have higher expectations (and
desires) than the baseline. The solution is - go and make what you want
happen. The way to do it: keep having ideas and inviting people. 9 times out
of 10 they will decline. That's completely OK, just keep having ideas. 9 out
of 10 times when you actually go out and do something, it will not be very
exciting. That's the reality and it's completely fine. But then during 1 out
of 10 times magic happens.

~~~
crististm
I can confirm the 1 in 10 rule. It really is like this. Then you loosen up and
don't care any more. Then things happen.

~~~
jhildings
And then there is like 15-20% "cancel two hours before" reduction on those :)

------
andrewfong
Absent more information, it's difficult to tell. There are a bajillion
possible reasons people aren't hanging out with you. Off the top of my head,
some of the reasons I don't like to hang out with certain people include them
being overly argumentative, saying racist things, leaning in too closely to me
while talking, not taking things seriously, taking things too seriously, and
body odor. It's also possible that you're over-analyzing your current
situation.

You really should just try asking a close friend, family member, co-worker,
classmate, or anyone you spend (or used to spend) a lot of time with (in a
friendly capacity or otherwise). That said, the fact that you're asking HN
rather than a close friend, family member, etc. suggests that doesn't work for
you, for whatever reason.

So try this: go to a random meetup, chat with a stranger for 15-30 minutes,
and then ask them if there's anything about you that seems off-putting. If you
feel uncomfortable asking that kind of question or if you're concerned that
you won't get an honest response, tell them you're gathering data for a study
or something.

And if that doesn't work, you can always schedule an appointment with a
professional therapist.

~~~
prawn
"If you feel uncomfortable asking that kind of question or if you're concerned
that you won't get an honest response, tell them you're gathering data for a
study or something."

Tell them you're a student actor trying out some character traits. The
character you're playing is supposed to be a bit annoying or unlikeable. Ask
them how you went in portraying those traits.

~~~
chrift
I wouldn't lead the question by telling them that you were supposed to be
annoying, because then they will look for things that annoyed them about you
that they may have not noticed otherwise. I would tell them to be brutally
honest, and, to be honest, if you're wearing the 'suit' of someone else, you
could just ask them if you seemed like the kind of guy they would hang out
with. Then note their response down in a survey like manner.

------
douche
Most people suck. I suck, you suck, we all suck. Modern western society does
not improve matters, where many of us are uprooted from more local,
traditional societies where there are strong community traditions that provide
easy social defaults and a fairly limited, consistent group of other people to
interact with.

Most social groupings are formed out of blood or forced closeness - small
towns, religious groups, schools, the workplace, housemates, etc. These are
people you spend a large percentage of your time with, and they tend to be
non-transient factors in your life - i.e. continued social interaction with
them is likely over a non-trivial timespan. You can count on these people
being around in the future, so the investment of effort in cultivating
relationships with them has a high expected payoff.

Compare this with the modern, post-collegiate experience for most
20-somethings. Seeking gainful employment often means leaving behind the
familiar contexts one was born and raised in, abandoning familiar social nets,
to move to more economically dynamic areas, with larger and more diverse
populations. Turnover in employers and fellow employees is vastly higher than
it was a generation ago. Tied with this, long-term home ownership is less of a
realistic proposition, so the community of locality that comes with living
with and getting to know one's neighbors is diminished. Other people are more
transient and disposable in this world, and the general uncertainty makes it
more difficult to focus the effort on building relationships, particularly
when you are trying so hard just to get by, day to day, week to week.

I don't really have a solution, but this seems to me to be the problem.

~~~
cpursley
While this may not be the full cause, it's an interesting insight.

------
schizoidboy
Two hypotheses:

1\. Maybe nothing is wrong with you and the people that aren't reciprocating
aren't the right people for you. In this case, consider ways to find new
people, activities, etc., or try to be more comfortable with the fact that
you're special and it may take some time to find the right people (but do as
much as you can to increase your odds such as hobbies you love, etc.).

2\. Maybe something is wrong with you in the sense that your brain is creating
emotional pain in the same way that your body alerts you to physical pain. In
this case, first be happy that your brain is trying to help you (even if the
emotional pain is... well, painful). Next, consider exploring your emotional
pains through philosophy, psychotherapy, positive psychology, exploring your
childhood and close relationships, etc.

Each of these hypotheses branches out to many other hypotheses, most of which
can be "tested." If one of them isn't yielding a good theory, move on to the
next, and you may ultimately find something. Keep trying!

------
anigbrowl
'Desperation is a stinky cologne' \- people pick up on your need for
companionship, assume there must be some reason you don't have any, and so it
ends up as a self-fulfilling prophecy. there's a good chance that nobody you
know could articulate this and are just picking up on your anxiety
subconsciously.

So, what you need is self-sufficiency. Once you get more comfortable being in
your own company and doing stuff on your own then people will get more
interested in you. Pick up some intellectual interest or activity outside of
your work and preferably not related to it. Consider getting a dog - seriously
It's surprisingly emotionally rewarding plus you get automatic entry to this
whole secret society of dog owners and an automatic icebreaker/topic of
positive small talk. I wasn't into dogs at all until I rescued one, but it
turned out to be a big positive and well worth the required lifestyle
adjustments. Also, women will size a guy up by how he relates to his dog. If
your dog is chill and happy, then people will come over to tell you how cute
it is, and this will reflect onto you.

------
chrisbennet
Here is the secret to making friends:

People make friends with friendly people. Friendly people enjoy the act
"giving" friendship.

They give you fresh baked cookies just to you to see you smile - not because
they expect you to do something in return.

They ask about how you are feeling ("How is your back these days?") because
they actually care - not because they want your help moving.

Making friends becomes a by-product of being generous with your friendship.

------
bsdpython
As you get into your late 20s and early 30s most people are looking to get
married if they haven't already. At that point social life is going to mostly
turn into family, wife, kids and work related friends. I'm 32 and recently
married and I find it very hard to justify spending much of my time
socializing outside of those above contexts. It's often nothing personal and
from my own perspective I would actually like to have more friends but after
going through a lot of friends over the years it's proven to be rarely worth
the long term investment. I'm not going to chase down others to get together
and they likewise. There probably isn't a whole lot wrong with you and judging
by the desperation at which people try to gain attention on social networks it
seems like far more people are lonely then they openly admit - in other words
you aren't alone. If you really want to give it a go to gain more friends I
would suggest looking for social groups with shared interests, such as
recreational sports teams, programming meetups, or whatever you personally
like. Attend events that you have interests in, travel by yourself (I used to
all the time in my early 20s) and in general just try to make yourself a bit
more interesting. Learn to pick up on social cues better, focus on listening
rather than talking and go out of your way to help people that you aren't even
that close with in simple ways. Online dating is also a good way to meet new
people and practice social skills without much risk (you can cut off contact
at any point).

~~~
jhildings
>s you get into your late 20s and early 30s most people are looking to get
married if they haven't already. At that point social life is going to mostly
turn into family, wife, kids and work related friends. I'm 32 and recently
married and I find it very hard to justify spending much of my time
socializing outside of those above contexts.

But why can't those be combined? I find this either family or friends mindset
a lot of people have quite strange

~~~
bsdpython
Because you only have so much time and you are better off spending time with
people that are more likely to still be in your life in 10 years? I'm not sure
I understand what you mean if that's not what you were getting at.

------
awjr
What you've written above comes across as the nightmare requirements spec from
a client. You're being too vague. You need to deconstruct yourself and your
life. Your personality, your habits, where you live and how you live. What you
want out of life.

Consider NLP, consider getting involved in things that you find uncomfortable
(e.g. amateur dramatics). Join meetup.com and locate groups in your area doing
stuff and pop along. Talking to people is hard.

Smarten yourself up. Make yourself look great ALWAYS. Change the way you get
to work. Consider cycling/walking. Exercise. Run a half marathon. Follow a
passion. Get into local campaigning. Be involved in society. Join a debating
society. Avoid MMORPGs as a social outlet ;)

Love yourself (but not in an arrogant way).

AND when you are ready, do something crazy.

You're almost 30. It's time you circumvented the world by train and boat.
Consider backpacking around India. Go climb a mountain. Tour across America on
a bicycle.

You're single. You have no dependents. You can go anywhere and be anyone.
Telecommute from Vietnam.

I would say your statement about going to clubs indicates a way of thinking
about getting 'hooked up' that probably does not suit you.

Also hanging out with work colleagues is not good. Going for a drink is fine.
People have their own social lives and doing drunk stuff in front of work
colleagues can be a very bad thing. People connect with people at work because
of the interests they have outside of work, not because they share the same
workplace.

Maybe suggest moving into a house with a group of people.

I would also say that from the way you state people don't talk to you is that
you have a personality trait some people find uncomfortable.

~~~
personlurking
> Change the way you get to work.

There's something to this. Change your smaller habits (ie, where you eat,
walk, who you'd normally talk to, etc). Also, get other people talking, ask
questions. People like people who listen to them.

On the other hand, don't only ask questions/listen. As someone who lives
abroad, I can't tell you how many times I have to repeat my story (how long
I've been here, how I learned the language, etc) and strangely people have the
habit of keeping me talking with many successive questions (I'm not entirely
comfortable with this). I've come to see this as possibly a nerves thing,
where they find it easier to ask questions/listen than to be the one talking.
What I'm saying is, develop both sides and you'll be able to handle the
situation, whatever it is.

------
thoman23
Hang in there buddy. As others have said it all starts with being content with
yourself first. Focus on your hobbies, especially those that come with an
"instant community". Get out and do new things and enjoy life. Everything you
do gives you some new perspective and interesting new things to talk about
with people. Try joining some new MeetUp groups and see if you click with
anybody.

Also, make sure you have the basics all covered. I'm not saying any of these
apply to you specifically as obviously I don't know, but the basics would
include proper hygiene, good breath/dental care, dress in neat, clean clothes,
etc.

Finally, you also might want to try reading some books on the subject of
interpersonal skills. There are a lot of quick practical tips in the areas of
body language and ways to communicate that make other people feel good about
themselves when they are around you.

------
olalonde
Without knowing you personally it's really hard to say.

My personal experience with friendships/relationships is that it is a chicken
and egg problem. It's a lot lot _lot_ easier to make new friends when you
already have many (same goes with romantic/sexual relationships). It probably
has to do with social proof dynamics and the fact that you might be
unintentionally signalling insecurity through body language and appear to be
desperate. It's possible that a lot of the people you talk to think something
like "there must be a reason this 29 year old guy doesn't appear to have any
friends".

One drastic solution would be to move to a new city or country which would
make it more socially acceptable for you to openly seek out new friends
without appearing to be desperate. Another option would be to join a local
sports team or other group activity where socialising isn't the central goal
(poker, working out, hackatons, hiking, etc.).

Finally, HN is probably the wrong crowd to ask for this kind of advice.
[http://forum.bodybuilding.com/](http://forum.bodybuilding.com/),
[http://boards.askmen.com/](http://boards.askmen.com/) and other similar
"lifestyle" communities would probably yield more interesting results as a lot
of the people on those forums are there specifically because they have gone
through similar situations.

------
valevk
Just by using smalltalk as argument it's rather difficult to say what's wrong.
Maybe (instead of listening to strangers on the internet) you should see a
therapist. There might be things in your life, that _you_ think are completely
normal though they aren't. What I've experienced from friends who went to see
a therapist, was: "Wow, are you telling it's not normal to wake up and hate
youself?".

~~~
pcrh
In that vein, sometimes one can over-interpret normal behaviors as more
negative than they actually are. The book "Feeling Good" [1] covers this, and
ways to deal with it in a very accessible and straightforward way.

[1][http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-
Therapy/dp/03808...](http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-
Therapy/dp/0380810336/)

------
neverwrong
it's hard to say without knowing a lot more. who are you? how would you
describe yourself? who are you trying to talk with? are they coworkers? are
they people with similar backgrounds? how do you engage people? how sure are
you people are interested in talking about what you want to talk about? how
much do you care about other people? how much do you care about what other
people have to say? do you think you're showing people you care (assuming you
do)?

...

------
O____________O
Assuming that you've checked that you're not actually repulsive (halitosis,
habitual drooling or unchecked running nose, pants hiked up to your rib cage
and smelly, unwashed shirts), then it's most likely that you're just not
finding the kind of people with whom you have chemistry.

I felt rather similarly in my early and mid twenties. I didn't click with
people, and it always felt like too much effort to socialize. Then I moved to
the Bay Area and my life changed over the course of two months. I finally met
people with interests and goals I could relate to.

For what it's worth, if I were doing it again now, I'd move to a great city
and exploit things like Meetup.com, get out, and take up every class and
activity that so much as caught my eye.

Remember: to be interesting, you have to be interested.

------
amgin3
You are not alone. I am 30 and have experienced the same thing my entire life.
Several years ago I questioned it too and was told that it was MY fault for
not initiating conversations with people all the time, even though nobody ever
has put the effort into initiating a conversation with me, I always just get
ignored, somehow I have to put in all the effort and everyone else gets a free
pass. But even when I put in a lot of effort nobody gives a shit and
eventually flakes out because we haven't been friends since kindergarten like
the rest of their friends have been. Well, I finally had enough of this
bullshit life and flakey bullshit people; I got rid of all my belongings and
moved to South East Asia.

------
eps
Who knows?

Perhaps appearance issues - from being overweight to having sweat stains to
not smelling nice to having too long fingernails. Perhaps interaction issues -
not making any eye contact, making too much of it, taking down to people,
sucking up to them, etc. Perhaps personality issues - odd sense of humor, lack
of overall confidence, over-confidence, pushy / boring / quirky personality,
etc. It can be anything or a combination of thereof :-|

# That all said, I'd say the first impression you make and the overall
confidence are the two most important things to pay attention to if you are
looking to change things.

------
sgentle
This is the wrong place to ask "what is wrong with me?" because we don't know
you. Trying to answer without more information is going to be mostly
speculation and projection.

That said, it's a good question to ask. I think most people who have trouble
socially don't ask, and end up unhappy without realising why. I'm going to try
to answer the related question: "how do I find out what is wrong with me?"

There are two people I think you should talk to:

Firstly, someone who would have been affected by your problem (if there really
is one). You just need to ask them nicely and in a way that doesn't make it
seem personal. If someone I knew said "Hey, I'm trying to improve myself.
Could you tell me honestly if there is anything I'm doing that makes people
uncomfortable?" I would do my best to help them.

Secondly, a therapist. They can listen to how you feel about social situations
and help you figure out how to deal with it. Keep in mind that social anxiety
is one of the most commonly reported mental health issues. There may be
nothing wrong with you in social situations except the way you think about
them. I can't say for sure because I'm not a therapist, but this kind of
problem is exactly what they do.

Good luck and I hope you find your answers.

------
yoanizer
Don't worry about what others might think of you. But do worry about what you
think about yourself. Aside from the facts that you mentioned what do you
think about yourself right now? Are you happy with your body? are you happy
with your career? are you happy with your hobbies? Do you eat well? Do you
exercise regularly? Do you take care of yourself well? ...

Bottom line: Be someone YOU respect and like. The rest will take care of
itself.

If you don't like yourself, nobody else will.

~~~
crististm
I agree; but don't sweat on it too much. If you constantly question yourself
if you're doing the right thing, then you're not.

(Oh - there's nothing wrong with you. Really)

~~~
yoanizer
Yeah I know. I'm weird like that.

I'm constantly looking for things I can improve, and running out of free time
to do that.

I don't find it makes me insecure in social situations though.

------
boyaka
There was a post on HN just today by an anonymous guy for his book 'Hacking
Sex' [1]. I actually went ahead and checked it out, since it had a lot of
positive comments from women on Amazon. I was intrigued that the author stated
that luck with women has nothing to do with genetics, but my surprise/interest
diminished when I skipped through the pages and found all sorts of sections on
buying clothes and being in good shape. I was really turned off when he gave
advice about actually making love, really starting to think this guy is full
of himself. I'm a little bit disgusted by his attitude about needing to have
sex with as many women as possible, but I also understand how it could be
beneficial. I'm sure that his advice does indeed vibe with what women desire,
and it would probably do me some good to be open to it (when I have the
time/money to do so).

More on my opinion and less on this book (which as I said I have only skimmed
for now so can't really judge), I believe in the LAMPS theory: girls tend to
be interested in Looks, Athleticism, Money, Power, and Status. I think you can
gain a lot of the last 3 just by working hard on improving your own life. That
book says you can be yourself and that girls will like you even more for that,
but maybe that's just signaling Power/Status, or maybe LAMPS is just not a
good theory. Ultimately though, in today's society you really just need to
look good/healthy, have a fulfilling well paid occupation, and give the ladies
(or other people) exactly what THEY want; you can't be selfish. It's not about
YOU becoming less lonely, it's about being interesting to other people.

[1]
[https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=9005096](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=9005096)

~~~
EpicEng
"my surprise/interest diminished when I skipped through the pages and found
all sorts of sections on buying clothes and being in good shape."

Well, it does matter, as much as some people like to think it doesn't or
shouldn't. It's certainly not everything, not even by half, but people like
attractive people. It gets you through the door so to speak. That, in turn,
gives you more opportunities to meet people.

If you have a crap personality most women won't stay long anyway, but if
you're overweight and dress like a kid in high school then don't be surprised
that women aren't falling over themselves to talk to you (and no, that doesn't
make them superficial; it's how the vast majority of us are wired, and how you
present yourself says something about you).

~~~
boyaka
Yeah, and as I say it didn't surprise me that any of that mattered. I've
always known what I have to do (have more money for clothes/fashion, spend
time at the gym). I think I have a pretty interesting personality, I do make
friends with a lot of people once they get to know me. I just have trouble
even saying a single word to females I find attractive. But I've got bigger
problems in my life to solve.

Here's the quote from the author's website that intrigued me:

"A five-point guide on how to be more attractive (Hint: your genetics don’t
matter)"

I thought he might go into more of a strategy about how to open up and talk
with women (again, I haven't really read it yet), since it's not looks that
matter. But it turned out, as you and I both understand, appearance really
does matter, and therefore genetics DO matter, because they are a huge factor
in your appearance and even in how healthy you can appear.

------
calbear81
I tend to be the planner in my social circle and I've learned a few things in
my many years of planning/organizing (I'm 33)

\- If it's something casual, don't be too pushy. Like we learned in D.A.R.E,
leave the door open. So if I ask someone if they'd like to come out to get
drinks and they're not sure, I just say "No problem, text me if you want to
come, we'll be there." For more formal events that require reservations, get a
commitment well in advance.

\- I find that if I'm doing something that the person I'm trying to invite
hasn't done before they're more interested in coming. I do my best to make it
easy on everyone so I lay out an exact itinerary, offer to do the group
purchasing, and make sure everyone has a way to get to the event.

\- I find that posting some post-event photos on Facebook help a lot as people
see the fun they're missing out on.

\- Don't be afraid to have fun by yourself. I enjoy rambling around new places
by myself and the more I put myself in new situations, new places, the more
often I find myself meeting new people.

------
cpursley
I'm not sure about your specific situation, but it helps if you focus the
conversations on them instead of you.

Be genuinely interested in other people and they will like you. Respect their
opinions even if you disagree.

[http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-
People/dp/06...](http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-
People/dp/0671027034/)

------
dalek_cannes
A few examples would help us understand the problem better. Based on just this
description, it could be _anything_.

------
bonn1
There could be many reasons why people avoid you. I don't know you and it
would be hard to find the real reason here but I give you _this_ one advice:

 _Don 't go out and look for friends—never do this._

The problem is that people will smell it from the first moment you are around
them. They will know when they see you looking at them, how you approach them
and how you talk and how long you talk with them. You signal—it's basically
written on your forehead: 'I need friends. I want friends. I am lonely, I am
needy and full of despair, please f __*ing talk to me. ' And this neediness
makes you as a person very unattractive. It's not your looks.

I went through a similar stage for a long time but could get out, now I have
again tons of friends, a lovely girl-friend and life is good. Let me know if
you need more advice.

------
INTPenis
A lot of people are late bloomers.

Then again, some people are just incapable of socializing. I know at least one
person like that who is older than you, single, and gets looked over for a lot
of activities at the community group we both frequent because people feel that
he's incapable of holding a conversation.

Yet he's harmless and tries to be social but it just comes out wrong and in
all his years he has never learned.

Then on the other hand I'm 30 and I just recently in the last 4-5 years
started blossoming. I'm not saying I'm extrovert yet but I've realized a
detail about being introvert and that is that we thrive in social situations
as long as we can rest after and recuperate. Resting requires silence and
alone time, or time with very close friends and spouses.

------
tim333
I don't know you but people skills are indeed a skill you can learn. Try
reading How to Win Friends and Influence people and doing some of the stuff

review

[http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People-
ebook...](http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People-
ebook/product-reviews/B003WEAI4E)

pdf

[http://www.yourcoach.be/blog/wp-
content/uploads/2014/02/Dale...](http://www.yourcoach.be/blog/wp-
content/uploads/2014/02/Dale-Carnegie-How-to-win-friends-and-influence-
people.pdf)

Also toastmasters, meetups good. PUA types can be helpful but also can be
rubbish. I think a lot of social types spend years on the social stuff in
school uni etc so geek types can sometimes have some catching up to do.

------
skreech
Why do you approach them in the first place? Are you genuinely curious about
them as people, or do you want them to fill some need / ache / void in you?

If you think it may be leaning towards the latter, try to look deep within
yourself and understand what it is you need. The next step would be to meet
this need by yourself. Trying to use other people seldom works well, in my
experience.

On the other hand, if it's the former, does it come across to them that you
are genuinely interested? Do you keep eye contact most of the time? Do you pay
attention when they are talking, and do you listen to what they are saying
without thinking about what you should be saying next? Are you listening more
than you are talking?

------
acqq
I guess a lot of programmers can at least partially identify with this:

"You see your report here says that you are an extremely dull person. You see,
our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid,
lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humour,
tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful."

"And whereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks," in
your profession "they are a positive boon." (You work in front of the screen
the whole day anyway).

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azkFz1ZbXyU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azkFz1ZbXyU)

------
Jean-Philipe
I am probably one of those people that keep cancelling appointments with
friends. Nothing personal. I'm just busy (work, kids) or probably not
organised well enough. Some of my friends understand, some are worse than me,
but some take it personally. Interestingly, there's no relation between the
time I spend with a friend and how mad they are with me.

Nobody should be hurt. It's my life, that's what it is, the day has only that
many hours, things happen, and things will change one day. Right now, I don't
even have time for myself.

------
bonn1
I have another advice:

Since many and me wrote that you should NOT go out and look for friends since
it makes you needy and people smell the neediness it's is important to note
that having a few good friends is the key to happiness. Just one or two is
enough. People you can call anytime.

Now I said that you shouldn't actively look out for those but I am saying at
the same time that they are the key for happiness. Without friends depression
comes quick.

Let's dive into 'friendship', what are friends? Is there an abstract concept
for it? Or what is more interesting here—how does friendship evolve? It's
quite simple and we start with an anti example: imagine you met a guy some
night you went out. He has some similarities like same interests und you guys
both recognize that you need friends and decide to meet more often to do stuff
together. You go a few times out and then you guys realize that you have
nothing to talk anymore. So you decide to do some active stuff, you guys play
tennis, it's fun but you guys are still not friends, after the match you head
to your places without talking too much. You go out more often, chase girls
together. Fun but you still no friends, rather competitors. So why did no
friendship evolve here? You guys had the same interest, did many activities
together and still feel awkward together and have nothing of significance to
tell?

The answer in my experience is that the relationship I describes before is
based on a voluntary setup that means that nobody forced you guys to be
together. Every time you met you had to _act_ to see each other, no external
force brought you together.

A beneficial setup for evolving friendship is a forced community with a
hostile participant or just somebody with more power. Friendship easily
evolves there where people have a common enemy and the need to form alliances.
School is the perfect example with the teacher as the enemy. The older the
people get there are less forced communities. You office is also a forced
community with managers as 'enemies' but since there is a lot of change and
office politics involved friendships there are very prone to fall quickly
apart.

The bigger/stronger/tyrannic the enemy is the stronger your friendship will be
and once the enemy is away you friendship will slowly fade.

------
vdaniuk
Disregard all definitive answers in this thread. You have provided so little
information, it is impossible to answer your question with any reasonable
degree accuracy.

The best way for you to receive an answer that is close to reality is to visit
several psychotherapists and talk to professionals qualified to talk about
your personal issues while maintaining your privacy. It would be also
beneficial to learn more about meditation, self-awareness and psychology in
general.

~~~
scrollaway
> Disregard all definitive answers in this thread

> The best way for you

Well done...

Not that it's bad advice, but still.

~~~
vdaniuk
The synonyms for definitive are conclusive, final, ultimate. My advice is not
an ultimate one, it is a intermediate strategy (a best one from my point of
view) to achieve a definitive answer. So I'll stand by my wording :)

------
nimrody
It's easier to connect when you have something in common.

So my suggestion is that you join some group doing things you like - be it
art, music sport or anything else that you like and will introduce you to
different people (suggestion: _not_ some technical group).

My personal change came when I joined a sports group (triathlon in my case). I
was never a good athlete but I did get a change to meet a lot of new people.
Indirectly I have found my wife through that group.

------
pengux
I'd suggest that you take some time off from your current life and go out
travelling and see the world. You will definitely get some perspective on
things.

------
prawn
If you get social offers, say yes as often as possible. Someone wants to go
out but you're feeling a bit tired and sitting on the couch? Get off your
butt. Short of money? "Watching my alcohol intake this month - will have a
couple and then stick to waters if that's OK with you."

------
personlurking
Someone I know recently asked people via social networks what they thought of
her (her good qualities and bad). She did it via a Google spreadsheet
('backend') while what people saw upon clicking the link was a form
(preventing anyone from seeing other people's responses). Try this.

------
NumberCruncher
Read the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" from Dale Carnegie.

~~~
swah
I'd say the same. Its not as shallow as the title insinuates.

------
sneak
Your negative attitude and belief that you're not worth anything.

There are lots of books on self-esteem and social improvement. I suggest you
read a few.

------
brogrammer90
Pivot. Tech has a way of turning viable men into old creepers. You will be 40
in 2-3 jobs.

------
normloman
Do you smell?

------
drydot
learn NPL, your social skills will improve ; >

i.e. [http://www.nlp-secrets.com/nlp-seduction/how-to-talk-to-
girl...](http://www.nlp-secrets.com/nlp-seduction/how-to-talk-to-girls.php)

