
If you ever feel alone in this... - dariusmonsef
http://bubs.co/if-you-ever-feel-alone-in-this
======
ispivey
In a nutshell, this is why the problem is so hard to fix:

    
    
      > When I was raising my first round, it fell apart because 
      > an A-list investor who had given us a verbal commitment 
      > backed out. He did this because he had heard from his 
      > friend, who I had went out for beers with, said that we 
      > were struggling and unsure of what we were doing. I don't 
      > blame the investor for backing out and I don't blame his 
      > friend for relating his honest opinion he took away from 
      > our conversation. But I will tell you that I now never 
      > share my struggles with anybody I think might be even 
      > remotely close to affecting my future opportunities. And 
      > in San Francisco, that pretty much means everybody.
    

It's not a problem of attitude, or perspective. It's that investors and
potential hires and partners really want to make the best choices for
themselves, and that means working with companies that are doing great and
founders who are driven and aren't going to flame out or give up, which is
perfectly understandable.

And so founders who want to have the best chances at "winning" have to create
an aura of momentum, of inevitable success, around themselves and their
companies. That's perfectly understandable too.

How would you even fix that? How do you even define the problem you're trying
to fix?

~~~
neltnerb
Make it common knowledge that anyone who pretends that they are winning all
the time are frauds and hucksters?

Not that this is necessarily a good idea, but in terms of psychology it makes
sense to me. Plant a kernel of doubt so that people ask real questions, and if
they don't get honest sounding answers hit the door. Gives an incentive for
founders to be honest with both themselves and others and less downside to
doing so.

I was definitely told by several VC folks and by even the NSF grant office
that if they get "overly optimistic" coming in the door, they tend to ignore
what they say. Having a realistic appraisal of your problems and advantages is
a sure sign of delusion and lack of maturity.

~~~
chill1
> Having a realistic appraisal of your problems and advantages is a sure sign
> of delusion and lack of maturity.

I think you meant "Having an unrealistic ..."

~~~
neltnerb
You are correct. Apologies, too late for me to edit it.

------
iandanforth
I'm constantly amazed at the human mind's inability to measure happiness on an
absolute scale, and societies inability to acknowledge that this is normal.

I _know_ that I'm well off. I _know_ I'm incredibly lucky to be working on
exactly what I want. I _know_ what I'm working on matters and will have a huge
impact on the world eventually. And yet, the uncertainty of success (or at
least its timing), and the inexplicable daily feeling of
unworthiness/ineptitude combine to put stupid mental roadblocks in my path.

While unsurprising, it saddens me that an investor would pull away from a
founder because they found out he was human. Silicon valley's greatest
strength is accepting and embracing failure, I hope that strength will begin
to extend to embracing the humanity of founders. If you expect founders to be
perfect models of confidence, skill, willpower and brilliance, you will be
lied to and eventually disappointed. It strikes me as part of our culture's
maturation process that we begin breaking down these myths and replacing them
with understanding, compassion, and realistic expectations.

~~~
drusenko
I too think quite a bit about our ability to readjust expectations and
inability to measure happiness on an absolute scale. I've come to the
conclusion that it just might be our greatest strength.

Without it, we'd still be living in huts and hunting prey, because on an
absolute basis that is way better than sleeping under a tree in the cold.

It's the thing that lets a child enjoy watching a lion at the zoo, behind
glass, angrily advancing and pawing at them.

It's the thing that makes a billionaire keep working hard at the next big
thing, despite them having enough money to not care.

Our inability to be perfectly happy and content with our situation, in an
oddly confusing way, is what makes us so great, what makes us continue to
strive to make things better, and get out of bed every morning to continue
advancing humanity.

~~~
neilk
You're right but it's not as benign as you suggest. Our genes are stupid.

They don't care if you are happy or not, as long as you are potentially
reproductively successful. They are so stupid they can't even tell the
difference between drug-based euphoria, or other addictions, and genuine
success. And our genes don't even care if the entire ecosystem collapses
underneath us, because the whole species is acting the same way.

Sometimes this restlessness does "advance humanity", but that's not inherent
in what our genes want. It's only because we have carefully set up
institutions and practices such that the best way to compete is to serve other
people.

But, barring the discovery of some infinite source of non-polluting energy and
materials, at some point - either tomorrow or in a thousand years - this
restlessness will have to be tamed. In short, there are limits.

And for individuals, those limits are much nearer, and the benefits of
controlling your desires are as well.

------
jazzychad
Thank you for writing openly about these issues, Bubs. You really hit the nail
on the head about not being able to have honest conversations with people,
especially in SF. Since I moved here, I have met hundreds of people and
interact closely with dozens... but I only count _one_ person as a true friend
in whom I can confide my personal struggles. Having to maintain a never-ending
facade of success and happiness really is draining. Sometimes I wonder for
what gain am I paying this price?

~~~
mindcrime
_but I only count one person as a true friend in whom I can confide my
personal struggles._

For me, I wouldn't even share my struggles with my best friend. It's hard to
explain exactly _why_ that is, but I don't think I could do it. Some things it
would be easier to tell a random stranger at a bar... maybe because they don't
have any expectations of you, and you don't have to worry about a feeling of
letting them down, or disappointing them or whatever.

 _Having to maintain a never-ending facade of success and happiness really is
draining._

No doubt.

~~~
DenisM
Psychological breakdown lies down that road. You can only kick the can down
the road, but you can't make it go away by ignoring it. Your choices are 1)
talk things through with someone _now_ 2) struggle for a while and talk to
someone _later_ 3) burn out. The first two choices are the same, except that
in one of them you get to struggle before arriving at the same end.

~~~
DivisibleByZero
Wholeheartedly agree. Showing weakness to someone who you respect and someone
who respects you is incredibly difficult, but incredibly rewarding.

------
gavanwoolery
My range of wealth has been somewhere between -30k to 60k in the bank. That
might not seem like a big range but I can tell you it is worlds of difference
in terms of lifestyle. I once made $30,000 in the stock market, in one hour
after the bell rang. Thinking it would keep rising, I went back to bed (rookie
mistake!). I woke up to to find my gains negated, and my losses at around
$15k. Over the past two years I have battled debt, debt that would have been
nonexistent if I had just pressed the sell button.

I am thankful for this, very very thankful. I used to be, for lack of better
words, a prick (still am, to a lesser degree!). I would spend money on trivial
things. Now I know much better the value of a dollar, and have a least a
little bit more perspective on the struggle that many people face ($30k in
debt might seem trivial, but I paid as much as others with $200k of student
loans due to high interest rates). As of today, I am almost debt free.

Startup culture really saddens me, not because of the chase for wealth - there
is nothing bad about that. It saddens me because young people get rich really
quickly, many times straight out of college or earlier. They never know what
it is like to carry debt. They get rich, and they have no perspective. Elitism
is not at all uncommon, subconscious or not, and it has nothing to do with how
liberal you are, what charities you donate to, etc. Obviously, I do not look
down on these people, I just wish they could experience legitimate hardship
for their own benefit.

~~~
flatline
What a beautiful sentiment. Until I was in my early 30s, I was generally
contemptuous of those who were struggling with weight issues, with physical or
psychological pain, or with fear of death. I didn't mean to be so arrogant,
and was generally not aware that I was at the time. I was not unsympathetic,
exactly, I just didn't have enough personal context to grok others' internal
state. I was young and healthy and financially comfortable, and with no one
else to care for. It would indeed be sad to have continued throughout my life
without seeing a bit deeper into the suffering of others. It would be sad to
continue from this point without similar opportunities, though I think that
once you have taken a first hard look, you can keep looking deeper without
having to repeat old mistakes.

------
Cherian
When I came to the Valley to raise funds for my first startup I called up Bubs
connecting from a TechCrunch article he wrote [1]. Not only did he spend time
with me through calls from Hawaii, he introed me to others from YC who went on
to have significant impact in influence, connections and capital for my
startup.

Bubs taught me an important lesson. A lending hand to a fellow entrepreneur
can take you a long way. I am sure all of us entrepreneurs can relate to this
article very deeply.

Thank you.

[http://techcrunch.com/2012/05/28/the-art-of-raising-seed-
you...](http://techcrunch.com/2012/05/28/the-art-of-raising-seed-youre-either-
hot-or-you-make-your-own-heat/)

------
ardit33
This is not just for startup founders. As an employee of a startup you are
going to go through major roller-coasters as well. Having very close friends
to talk to, and that understand your problems (they might work on similar
spaces as well), is crucial. Your parents, your family might not be much help
on these cases, as they wont understand or be able to give you good advice.

I have 3 friends that are very close to me, and they know every detail of my
life (and so do I of theirs), good or bad. When I do need advice, or they do,
we can rely on each other to get some feedback on any thing. But I trust them
and I know they will have my back, and they wont divulge my personal details.

People that don't form these type of friendships are missing out. It makes the
roller-coaster so much easier, and especially when going through life changing
moments (job changed, marriage, breakups, etc).

I might have to add though that I suspect the startup community is full of
people that are partially inside the bi-polar spectrum. Sometimes it takes a
bit of a mania to start something new or crazy, but that euphoric high is
always followed by a depressing low. Adding the uncertain nature of the
startups, the emotional rollacoster becomes even more crazy and magnified.

....

....

Addition: The arm-chair psychologist in me says the author might have had BPD
symptoms, (borderline) during his childhood:

"I cried in private, hoping that my cries might just be loud enough for
somebody to hear. I hit myself, to create physical pain that might distract
from the emotional."

~~~
doktrin
> _This is not just for startup founders._

The OP resonated quite strongly with me, and I am neither a founder nor
(currently) an employee of a startup.

IMO, the struggle that is described here is inherently universal. It's shared
by anyone who has to maintain a facade of success while facing intense
insecurity (often financial).

Likewise, the emotions described will ring very familiar to anyone who suffers
or has suffered with depression - regardless of triggers.

> _My personal bank account & business accounts both overdrawn, tens of
> thousands of dollars in debt to family members and my credit cards maxed out
> or closed. I've had no cash in my pocket and a dwindling supply of food in
> the cabinet._

On a smaller monetary scale, that is in fact me at this very moment. Last week
I was de-facto homeless (living in a $10/day rental car). I don't want to wax
poetic about my mental state at the time, but it bordered on the worst.

I was eventually able to swallow my pride and confided in some close friends
and family that I was tapped out financially, physically drained and
psychologically in quite a dark place.

Knowing, viscerally, that I have a support network that is in the know about
my situation and willing to back me up was very powerful. If / when I move
past this particular time in my life, I know that I most likely _could not_
have done it without them.

I think I used to view that as a sign of weakness and dependence. Perhaps it
is, but that's not really something that concerns me any more.

------
hakaaaaak
This is the important part to read:

"While I was in Thailand I got a dotted line tattooed across my wrist as a
reminder of all those who didn't get another day, who all would I'm sure do
anything to have just a little more time. I got the cut here line tattooed on
my wrist to remind myself that if I ever don't fully appreciate the
opportunity that I have and the life ahead of me, then I don't deserve it and
it can easily be taken away. To me it's a very positive reminder, with a dark
but real truth behind it."

------
Harj
I find that keeping a journal helps tremendously when I'm feeling low or find
myself dwelling on negative thoughts. I believe it's because you can get away
with fuzzy thinking when your thoughts are only in your head. Once you put
them on paper you're forced to refine them and any distortion or irrationality
in them becomes more apparent.

------
mgkimsal
Good read, and useful. Whether you're in silicon valley or not, as any sort of
entrepreneur, it's hard to find people you can relate to without any sense of
competition. Family/friends can sometimes help, but they can't often relate.
When speaking with close family, you may often either scare them or piss them
off when talk of money issues way outside their experience level.

A few years ago I ran a phone/email group of some fellow entrepreneurs to help
support each other - it ran its course and people moved to various stages of
life and business at different rates, but was extremely useful for me to help
put perspective on issues I was having in business.

I've also recently found a 'support group' of sorts in a local business group
in town. Most of the businesses aren't tech related at all, but the support
and being able to just be honest about issues 'in private' is very useful for
all of us.

EDIT: If anyone is interested in starting/joining an informal support group,
ping me at mgkimsal@gmail.com.

~~~
neltnerb
Yeah, I would love to see more of this. I use my close friends a bit as a
sounding board for these sorts of things, usually they tell me -- dude, stop
working so hard, even if you fail you'll learn stuff that will make you much
much more valuable in the future either for your own company or even for
someone else's.

~~~
mindcrime
_I use my close friends a bit as a sounding board for these sorts of things,
usually they tell me -- dude, stop working so hard, even if you fail you'll
learn stuff that will make you much much more valuable in the future either
for your own company or even for someone else's._

One reason, I think, that I don't use my best friends for a sounding board on
this, is that they are too likely to be supportive and encouraging like that,
and I don't think I want that kind of talk. For one, I'm too old and there
isn't enough time left for that kind of thing. If this startup fails, it's
pretty much "game over" for me, as I see it. So any talk that isn't "fuck or
walk", "do this or hit the bricks pal", "do or die", etc. is counter-
productive to me.

Rational? Probably not. But I don't want any fatalistic talk, or overt
acknowledgement that failure is even a remotely reasonable option, because it
might give me an excuse.

Of course, explaining _why_ I put so much internal pressure on myself is a
whole other story. And one that I don't feel like I could ever really tell
anybody. It would involve too many uncomfortable truths and too much digging
around in my past.

Easier to keep soldiering on, amped up on a steady dose of heavy-metal,
adrenaline and caffeine and a mindset that there are two outcomes in front of
me:

1\. Succeed at this startup, and achieve some things I've been questing after
my whole life.

2\. Emulate Nick Cage's character in _Leaving Las Vegas_.

~~~
neltnerb
I think that it is unfortunate that you are in this situation. My close
friends of all ages are not all necessarily perfectly comfortable talking to
me about their deep-seated fears, but certainly some are. And the others have
their confidant.

And certainly a fair bit of the feedback I get from my friends is "stop being
lazy and work harder".

But I find that if I get too anxious or worked up, my actual quantifiable
performance drops dramatically.

If I used your strategy, I would do worse because I'd be spending more time
worrying about failure instead of working hard. Similarly, the anxiety of
feeling like it's succeed or die would _not_ make me more likely to succeed,
it would make my health worse, definitely my mental health worse, and I'd be
more likely to fail. It would be like being stressed out and deciding not to
exercise anymore. It's only going to make me more stressed out.

Maybe we're just very different people, but I find anxiety crippling and a
huge drain on my ability to do creative work in particular.

For me, knowing that even if I fail at starting my company, it will be much
easier to get a good job afterwards being able to demonstrate that I've got
the drive and interest to help a company's core mission is very, very helpful.
This is the best advice I was given by my friends. Yeah, my company might
fail, but _every other company_ will be more likely to hire me to a management
or other high level role knowing that I tried, even if I failed. They know a
lot of it is luck, and that as long as I can demonstrate that I didn't fail
due to massive incompetence or laziness (which will _not_ be a reason I fail
at it) it makes me a more valuable potential employee.

~~~
mindcrime
_Maybe we're just very different people, but I find anxiety crippling and a
huge drain on my ability to do creative work in particular._

Heh, yeah, it's hard to explain. I certainly have "stuff" that it would be
nice to get off my chest, things that I don't want to talk to my best friend
about, even things I don't want to talk about with my co-founder. But don't
get me wrong... I'm not suffering from crushing, debilitating depression or
anxiety here. And the feelings I feel are - to me - largely motivational.

I guess the biggest thing is, I don't know how to tell anybody exactly how
scared of failure I am in this context, or how to explain _why_ I am so driven
to make this work. And now that I'm getting older and getting more of that
"this is my last shot" mentality, the pressure is even stronger.

Anyway, I don't want this to sound too morbid. I'm not in a bathtub full of
hot water with a straight razor or anything. Yeah, I sometimes worry that my
story ends like _Leaving Las Vegas_ , but that's just a background thread that
activates from time to time. Most of the time, I'm just slogging away, working
hard and dealing with the day to day stuff that comes along. :-)

 _For me, knowing that even if I fail at starting my company, it will be much
easier to get a good job afterwards being able to demonstrate that I've got
the drive and interest to help a company's core mission is very, very helpful.
This is the best advice I was given by my friends. Yeah, my company might
fail, but every other company will be more likely to hire me to a management
or other high level role knowing that I tried, even if I failed._

Yeah, part of my problem is, I feel like I'm too old for that stuff to matter.
Plus, the entrepreneurial route is the only way I think I can ever be really
happy. It's not about making a lot of money, mind you. It's about the fact
that I don't _want_ a "job" in the traditional sense, for _any_ company. As
long as I have a "boss", in the sense of one person who can order me around
and fire me for non-compliance, I will always chafe at that and be unhappy.

(Yeah, I know that when you run a company you still have a "boss" in a sort of
metaphorical sense. That isn't quite the same thing though.)

Edit:

Also, just to illustrate something... I'm just old enough to have grown up on
a steady dose of 80's "feel good" movies. That brand of narrative pervades my
thinking... the determined underdog, through hard work, grit and determination
battles his way to victory against all odds, etc. I watch _Rocky_ for
inspiration once every couple of months or so. So I think that I actually
_need_ to be in this "do or die" situation to feel at balance with the world.
That's my reality, being the underdog, having the deck stacked against me, and
having to test myself to see if I can overcome. Sounds weird, I guess, but
it's just something that's become part of my fabric over the years.

~~~
neltnerb
I mean, you're probably not _that_ much older than me if you grew up watching
80's movies. I'm not exactly some undergrad considering dropping out to start
the next facebook. I've finished graduate school, a postdoc, and am on year
two of two startups. Arguably, I grew up more on Star Trek: TNG, but you sound
like you can't be more than 10 years older than me.

If it helps inspire you at all, my dad started a non-profit at 30 (when I was
7), another one at 35, switched careers at 40, switched again at 45, and
switched again at 50. And has every intention of continuing to switch
regularly as soon as his job gets uninteresting. Life doesn't stop at 40
unless you decide to let it.

I do get what you're saying about having a boss. I find it frustrating too. I
find my 2-day a week part time job much more stressful than starting two
companies most of the time. Not because it's quantitatively more work, but
because it's work that's not something I'm doing of my own volition.

That said, the more independent you present yourself in looking for an actual
job, I suspect the more independent you'll end up being in a final position. I
suspect that if you end up as a director of research and development, or a
vice president of systems development, or whatever you will find that in
practice you are extremely independent.

Sorry if that de-motivates you ;-) It's just how I would approach the problem
you describe. Unless you were watching cartoons in the 60s, you're not too old
to keep getting more awesome.

~~~
mindcrime
_Life doesn't stop at 40 unless you decide to let it._

Yeah, I mean, intellectually I understand that (I'll be 40 this year BTW) and
I don't mean to suggest that it literally does. I'm just saying that, at this
age, the pressure starts to mount (at least given my particular world-view)
for various reasons. Just to elaborate, and without boring all of HN with
_too_ much detail about my own personal drama... I was just diagnosed with
diabetes late last year. I literally spent a night (3, actually) in the
hospital for the first time in my adult life. So now I'm a lot more aware of
my age and the inevitability of declining health and vitality due to age.
Something like that kinda amplifies that "clock ticking" sound, ya know?

 _I suspect that if you end up as a director of research and development, or a
vice president of systems development, or whatever you will find that in
practice you are extremely independent._

True, and I'm not _quite_ convinced that failing at this startup means heading
for the Golden Gate bridge (or the liquor store, then Vegas), but there is
definitely an under-current of "this has to happen, and happen now, or else"
in my mind.

 _Sorry if that de-motivates you ;-)_

Damn you, neltnerb, I was SO close to achieving my dreams, and you came along
and destroyed everything!!! Aaargghh!! I will now spend my final years hunting
you to the ends of the earth to seek my retribution!

~~~
mahyarm
Hey, a ketogenic/low-carb diet has been shown to reverse obesity caused type-2
diabetes:

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FSeSTq-N4U4>

Juice fasts have been also shown to help too, see the documentary 'Fat, sick
and nearly dead' for a couple of examples.

Life doesn't have to end at 40 because of your health. Also check out
bulletproofexec.com

~~~
mindcrime
Yeah, I'm doing the low-carb diet thing, and my diabetes is fairly well
controlled at the moment. I'm not in eminent danger of collapsing and dying as
far as I know, but it's just that going through the experience I did (I
developed something called DKA or "Diabetic Ketoacidosis" which is a life
threatening condition, hence the hospital stay) has made me much more aware of
the inevitable decline in health and fitness as I age. Yes, I know that proper
exercise and diet and what-not can slow the process down, but I can no longer
pretend that it isn't going to happen to some degree. Having that shoved in my
face very unceremoniously has given me a new perspective on certain things.
:-)

------
stuckineurope
I'm not sure if @Bubs will ever read this, but I found this was a deeply
interesting article, that hits close to home. If you are reading this - thank
you.

There is so much to say on this subject, from various perspectives. Me, I'm
stuck in Europe (offers-a-plenty, no chance for a visa). I am a founder of a
start-up here, and I cannot complain about how it _currently_ runs - but the
things I've been through to get here ...

A lot about the start-up culture is simply different here in Europe - so maybe
I am a little out of place among you. But what I believe is largely the same
is the pressure, the stress, and the pretending. There are but few people who
really understand what you are going through. "Why don't you just quit and get
a (real) job ?" - if I had to raise a finger for how often I've gotten this
response in dark times, I would be several hands short.

I believe there may be a need for some sort of chatter group for this. Maybe a
tad unconventional, perhaps with a respected gate-keeper (like @Bubs) to check
on people before they are let in (prevent moles), but once inside, everybody
is anonymous to everybody else, and all conversation is group-private. You
could be Mr Brown, I could be Mr Black - as long as I'm not Mr Pink. Perhaps
it could have prevented what happened to those two founders mentioned in the
article. I would be interested to join it, both for giving as well as
receiving support. The good just writing something that the people who read it
would actually understand could do.

Take this post for example - <http://pastebin.com/BgxFCTEC> . I wonder if
whomever wrote it read this response: <http://swombat.com/2013/2/21/truth-
failing-startup> and maybe felt better or even changed his view, or never saw
any of the response and is sitting at his desk staring at the wall, wondering
why (or if) he's still here.

~~~
dodyg
I started my company in 2003 with one partner thanks to Visa and AMEX.

In 2006 we got bigger and reached to about 40 people working in 4 different
countries. The financial crisis of 2008 brought us down (by accelerating the
damages of our mistakes) and by December we went down to just 10. It was the
most depressing Summer and Winter I've had.

In 2009 I worked for bouts of 50 - 60 straight days trying clear up the
unfinished commitments we had with our clients and almost burned me up in the
process but we got through.

Things went upward trajectory until early 2011 where the country I am located
went through a revolution. Our local customers suddenly couldn't pay on time
and we have had majority of our pending new contracts cancelled. My girlfriend
of 5 years broke up around the same time and suddenly I stared back at the
abyss that I thought I have left behind 2008.

It's been two years since that time and things have gone incrementally worse.
It's a drip by drip bloodletting.

These cycles of advances and failures are exhausting. I was supposed to get
better at this "be responsible of other people's payroll and livelihood" thing
after ten years but I am not.

I still try though - every single day - inch by single fucking inch. I don't
know whether this is grit or just denials. It's a close call.

------
InfinityX0
The only thing I find disheartening here is his discussion of how he lost
funding because he told his friend they were struggling and had no idea what
they were doing. This implies to me that they were not being transparent with
the investor, and in essence were on the verge of "stealing" the investor's
money because of it, because his aim was essentially to sell the investor on a
thriving business that was in fact not there.

An investor should get a real and full analysis of the business, with accurate
numbers, so it should not have come as a surprise or a fallout if someone said
they "were struggling", because simply, their numbers and growth should have
shown otherwise if they were actually worthy of investment, and no
conversation should have been able to sway that.

You should never fear a transparent conversation with others getting back to
important parties as long as you really have nothing to hide.

~~~
dariusmonsef
Still building the same company, so we weren't conning any investors. And we
weren't doing poorly back then... Just going through some challenges. Site
load bringing down servers, hiring, etc. rarely can an investor take the time
to really know every possible deal and founder in the seed stage. They're
looking at a volume of deals and need to be able to take thin slices of
founders to make decisions.

And again, the point of my post is to say... Yes, we're not fully transparent
with people because everybody else isn't. We're to blame first for the lack of
transparency. I'm making an effort to change this.

------
leoh
I thought some aspects of this were interesting, but the emphasis on money
felt tacky. Money is a motivator, but it is not an end to itself. The author
appears to support this notion, but sets an arbitrarily high net worth of
5*10^6 and talks about how miserable it was to be "successful." I don't know.
To me, all this money is a big problem in the valley. On the one hand, it's
great, because there is a lot of extra money around for cool things to get
done. On the other hand, there are people that are just around for the money
and it feels tasteless and I have personally found it very unpleasant to work
with people who hav ambition for money and the prestige. And there are a lot
of people like that right now. Maybe I have been blessed to have grown up
around some exceptionally succesful, but humble people. Just my 2 cents,
though.

~~~
dariusmonsef
Sorry for the confusion. I wasn't trying to say "successful" was miserable,
but that often people who are successful are so focused on the next level of
success that they don't enjoy the one their at. And I agree with your point,
money isn't everything. I guess I didn't phrase it well enough, but I grew up
around wealth and that has provided me the perspective to know that it isn't
everything. But money is powerful, and I hope lots of people who want to make
the world better acquire that power.

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leoh
I understand. You were open and your other blog posts see to show a true
interest in technology. Thank you for your reply. I did not know you were
active here. Hope you had a great weekend :-).

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thomaspun
Thanks, Bubs. I felt better reading your post already. You are one of the
founders I admire, especially on how you are able to balance between startups
and family.

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dariusmonsef
Thanks Thomas. I appreciate it.

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jianshen
Thanks for sharing this.

I can't help but see parallels here to Hollywood and the struggling actor.
"Things are great! I've been in a few indies you probably haven't seen..."

I hope in time, with more stories like this, the mainstream will better
understand the more human side of an overly romanticized place.

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thestartupguy
Thank you Bubs. The work your doing is so important and needed by our
community. I've just finished Seth Godin's 'The Icarus Deception' and your
post truly resembles art.

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kirillzubovsky
Great post Bubs. It's really unfortunate that the world responds better to "we
are killing it", than to the truth. Thank you for being around to chat. You
rock!

~~~
mattgreenrocks
What the world wants is never what it needs. It needs authentic people who are
vulnerable and willing to speak to the full emotional spectrum that most of
humanity goes through. It needs a sense of community, and an ability to listen
as much as it talks. These are things worth working on.

Fame is not real. It is little more than a flash in the pan of mainstream
consciousness. As soon as they've discovered you they're looking to move on.

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timtamboy63
I saw his talk, and honestly Bubs, you were inspirational. Keep up the awesome
work

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knowaveragejoe
Interesting perspective and an engaging read. Thanks for sharing. Spotted some
typos you may want to fix though:

> chartered plains vs first class

> there “limited success."

~~~
nell
One more typo:

> either are or we're very depressed

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mindcrime
Good stuff. It hits a little close to home, but one thing stands out: the bit
about how you fear showing any weakness or self-doubt, because of the impact
it might have on others.

I would be very reluctant to share some of my own internal fears and self-
doubt with anybody. Some of it is pragmatic (what if that person relays it to
an investor), some of it is ego, some of it is, well, who knows?

~~~
javajosh
Doubt is an odd duck because it can become genuinely self-justifying. I know
of few other mental qualities that can claim that. If you doubt yourself,
then, at the very least, you have the problem of doubting yourself, which is
an actual, legitimate problem! Boom: you've just created a real problem out of
thin air!

In truth, there is no place for self-doubt. It shows a lack of trust in your
past-self and the decisions he made. You made the best decision that you
could. (There is an exception, of course. If you made a decision when under
the sway of some passing, mental evil: arrogance, greed, malice, hatred, then
you might want to revisit the decision.)

The vast majority of mistakes do not come from some personal lack. They come
from bad luck. Which is why individuals, as much as investors, need to
diversify. Create more than one path to success.

(This is such good advice, maybe one day I'll take it! :)

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alexandroid
I would add that a big cultural difference in US from, say, Ukraine is that
people avoid talking about money as a plaque. As if it is a bad shameful
subject. I do not know where it comes from - pride, competitiveness, avoiding
jealousy, lack of confidence or extrapolating work policies into personal
life.

I think people lose a lot because of this. First, they do not let share their
struggles with each other. Where I came from people used to complain and
exaggerate about their money problems, but nevertheless they share. Without
sharing, there is less emotional and practical support from friends and
family.

Secondly, without talking about money there is less chance to learn and
cooperate for successes. If my friend wants to do X and never mentions to me
that, I have no chance of telling him what I know about it from my experience
or from my other friends experience.

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slashedzero
Excellent post! The one thing I have to wonder is if there are those out there
who can really separate themselves from their company's business.

I like to think of James Altucher's advice that you will be most happy when
there are the fewest amount of people in your life who have the ability to
create negative influences. In this case, having that investor mean so much to
you that it has a severely negative outcome on your emotional well being is
not worth it. I've come to realize that less stress is definitely worth more
than extra income, in the long run.

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mindcrime
It's a bit silly, but when I feel depressed or down, this is always good for
perking me up:

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JrdEMERq8MA>

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xijuan
It is a very inspiring story! I think everyone can relate to it to some extent
because everyone has down times. It saddens me very much that we live in such
a society that stigmatizes depression and suicide this much. I have only
realized how bad the stigmatization is until recently due to things that
happened in my personal life. This article also made me want to write out my
own story and share it online. Maybe one day I will do that.

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warmwaffles
Very powerful post. I thought I was going down in flames recently but only
realized that it could be so much worse and that it does get better with time.
Thanks bub

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jongraehl
Excessive risk (loss) aversion saps some of the enjoyment of having probably
(but not certainly) sufficient wealth. 1% problems, I guess.

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j45
There are some people who can't learn from the rattlesnake biting the other
person first.

This article is not for them.

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BeckyBausman
Beautiful post. TY for the candor and truth.

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blufox
Great Read, Thank you.

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saumil07
So, so so damn good.

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ilaksh
> The truth is EVERYBODY is struggling.

Bullshit. I probably won't be able to pay rent unless my client pays my
invoice next week. And that isn't very unusual.

I'm not about to kill myself, because I am used to the constant stress and
poor health and barely getting by, but the point is, a lot of that post was
just bragging, and financial security DOES matter.

I honestly don't feel sorry for rich people who want to kill themselves.

~~~
panique
Totally agree! I get angry when people who have an iphone, a macbook and an it
job are worried about their startup company and talk about being broke or
suicide. Guys, you have never seen real life! I'm living in one of the richest
countries in the world, but i know poverty, hunger, being homeless, without
parents, without a bank card and without health insurance and without any
perspective, any jobs or even university degree. Did I mention i was very good
at school, but never finished because of having to work for food ? Business
Gentlemen, you should not judge life by money! I think the general aim in life
is to have food, health, a home, friends, sex, doing something useful and
having a future. People in rich countries usually have all these things
without even doing anything for it, so they cry about bad loans, bad jobs and
bad internet connection. Guys, every day 150.000 people are dying on the
planet, most of them due to hunger. So open your head and realize how good
your life is.

