
The Science of Politely Ending a Conversation - KhalilK
http://www.fastcodesign.com/3038950/evidence/the-science-of-politely-ending-a-conversation
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mathattack
I think they overly downplay the effectiveness and efficiency of vanishing. I
used to work with a VERY polished salesman, who was the king of making
everyone feel at home at his events. He was an absolute gentleman. But you
knew he would disappear without saying a word at the end of the night. There
would be a car waiting for everyone that needed it, but he wouldn't say
Goodbye. Nobody faulted him for it.

On the other extreme... I went to a political fundraiser where it was clear
the politician worked the room like a, well politician. He made everyone feel
important and listened to. After he had done his once-over, he announced,
"Thank you all for coming. I apologize for leaving abruptly, I have to go an
meet my mom for dinner." I was stunned at how smooth he was.

~~~
logfromblammo
The unannounced exit is also known by the slang terms "ghosting", "Irish
goodbye", and "French leave".

I'm not altogether certain that you could place it at a fixed position on the
"appropriateness" axis. It would probably depend largely upon the number of
people in the social environment, and as such, the one-on-one conversation
experiment would be the least appropriate situation in which it could possibly
be used.

The politician in your example used _both_ a closing statement _and_ an excuse
to disengage, the two strategies with both high politeness and high
efficiency. That shows a very high level of social intelligence.

~~~
mathattack
I was in awe of him. And thought, "That's how and why he got elected." :-)

------
SixSigma
In the UK we have "right, I'll let you get on" like you are doing them a
favour.

~~~
Swizec
Also a Lord Vetinari trick from the Discworld universe: "Don't let me keep
you."

"When Vetinari considers the meeting ended, he usually dismisses his visitors
with the phrase "don't let me detain you." The inherent implication being that
he just might if they let him."

~~~
TrainedMonkey
This begs for clarification. Lord Vetinari considered ruthless patrician and
was prepared for this role at assassins school. Without healthy dose of fear
and respect this phrase might come off as condescending.

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Spooky23
On a somewhat related note, when you have the time, you can sometimes yield
dividends by _not_ ending the conversation at an early point.

A 10 minute conversation can teach you a lot or even earn your some goodwill.

~~~
therealdrag0
Good point. I think I've gotten to the point of too habitually keeping
conversations short. But really, a bit of a longer conversation is probably
more healthy and valuable to me than seeing another reddit post or w/e else
I'd do with those few minutes.

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jliptzin
I'm pretty bad at this. I lose patience quickly when people don't get the hint
that it's time to end the conversation. In these cases I usually just say I
have to go to the bathroom or make a call and don't come back.

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andrey-p
Regarding the plot towards the end of the article, what does "efficiency"
mean? Surely "vanishing" while the other person is still speaking is the
fastest way to end a conversation for the least effort.

~~~
petercooper
Based on the other points, I'm guessing it relates to expenditure of time and
effort on behalf of the speaker.

Vanishing requires you change location, whereas the more "efficient"
_rudeness_ would hopefully make the other person leave instead. Note that
"non-responsiveness" is the least efficient, because I suspect the most likely
response is for someone to keep questioning why you're not responding, wasting
time. With that said, "vanishing" would almost certainly be the most efficient
on a phone call, as it's just hanging up.

~~~
andrey-p
Fair enough, I was thinking of situations where the conversation wouldn't be
held in your own space. In which case, changing location is something you
would've had to do anyway.

I just really like the sheer surrealness of ending a conversation by walking
off mid-sentence.

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lettercarrier
My success at ending conversations successfully greatly improved once I took
formal training in personality types [1] Stick a dozen or two in a room and
get a good facilitator to explain how others are. Then you will become so much
better at knowing how to end a conversation, or even better, when you should
not even bother entering in one. Thinkers; Deciders; Sensors; Feelers, in my
learning sessions.

As a boss, I told everyone that under stress, I am a huge decider. Don't waste
my time with conversation; get to the point. But under normal conditions, I am
extremely verbose.

I think the "science" part of the article is good, as any formula can help
when needed. But I sum up what I think my conversation partner is (thinker,
decider, sensor, feeler) so I know how to end the conversation.

[1]
[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality_type](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality_type)

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blisterpeanuts
I used to have long chats on the phone with an EE consultant friend. He was
unmarried and lonely and would just never get off the phone. Whatever I said
("well, have a nice day" or some such), he would quickly interject "so tell me
what your plans for the holidays are" or some similar opening to keep the
conversation going. I found that the only way to end the conversation was to
say "I have to go" and he would immediately terminate the call. Weird. He
didn't take to email when it became prevalent, so we just don't keep in touch
anymore.

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dogpa
Aaaaaanyway...

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blisterpeanuts
This brings to mind a conversation I once had with a smart, young female
programmer with a playful sense of humor.

Me: I have a meeting.

Her: yeah, right.

Those were fun times.

~~~
hughbert
What does being young or female have to do with it?

~~~
dj-wonk
Perhaps the person in question was young and female. :) Does the above comment
offend you? It was a story, not a generalization, from what I can tell. (It
seems to me that people are too easily offended sometimes.)

~~~
dsjoerg
but why those attributes and not race or height or credit score. not to make
too big a deal of it but it's interesting to note which attributes are
considered notable/identifying.

~~~
JustThrowinAway
The examples you've provided cannot be immediately distinguished just from
talking to a person.

Additionally, these are two traits that are very identifiable - they're broad
definitions that only separate people into two groups. Young implies younger
than the OP (the other option being old), female is one of two groups the vast
majority of the population fits into.

~~~
logfromblammo
When I go to the beach and don sunglasses to mask my otherwise creepy leering
behavior, the two adjectives that most precisely describe the people I ogle
are "young" and "female".

And I most certainly do not prefer to stare at Powerpoint/Keynote/Impress
slideshows as someone drones on about goals and metrics.

While the preferences that govern attraction are a bit more varied, the
propensity for men to enjoy the company of women who are obviously of
reproductive age is literally the sole foundation for huge swaths of the
advertising industry. It cannot be overridden by political correctness or
gender-equality progressiveness. This is such a deeply entrenched fact of
human interaction, that one can make jokes about it in the right situation,
without any prior setup.

And when someone does, it is acceptable to laugh, rather than to question the
premise.

