
Ask HN: Great books for transforming how I approach conflict? - kaycebasques
I’m looking for a book that will transform my perspective on interpersonal conflict from a scary, painful thing to a constructive, good thing.<p>To help you gauge what type of content I like: I found The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem to be profoundly helpful.<p>Thanks!
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simon_acca
"Never split the difference" by Chriss Voss, an FBI lead kidnapping
negotiator, brings your attention to the unspoken substrate of every
interaction where something is at stake.

Voss rejects the confrontational, haggling style of communication that often
distinguishes the police in movies and instead teaches how to achieve a joint
problem solving mentality with your counterpart.

The book is full of practical advice but also explains how the author refined
his technique throughout his career, which grounds the advice in reality as
opposed to many self-help books that dispense advice in a Deus ex machina sort
of way.

I really enjoyed the book and recommend reading it at least twice in short
order to interpret the stories from the author's career in light of the
methods described in the book.

[https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/26156469-never-split-
the...](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/26156469-never-split-the-
difference)

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bcbrown
Look at the books published by the Harvard Negotiation Project:

Getting to Yes in 1981. Getting It DONE: How to Lead When You’re Not in Charge
was published in 1998, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters
Most in 1999, and Beyond Reason: Using Emotions as you Negotiate was published
in 2006

[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harvard_Negotiation_Project](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harvard_Negotiation_Project)

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kaycebasques
Thanks. I’ve heard of a few of those but was not aware that they’re all part
of a bigger project.

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sorokod
Books will not help come crunch time. When faced with extreme adversarial
situation you will revert to the self you are not happy with.

Take up serious martial art. A traditional sword school could be good.

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kaycebasques
Books like The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, Man’s Search for Meaning, and The
Power of Now have profoundly changed how I react to life’s difficulties. If
books don’t work for you, fine, but not everyone shares your worldview.

Thanks for the martial arts idea.

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sorokod
Of the books you mentioned , I am familiar only with the power of now. With
this in mind, you can absolutely consider aspects of martial arts training as
supplemental exercises to the book - only now exists and consideration of
future and past is irrelevant and dangerous.

Good luck with your quest.

Edit: you may want to have a look at the "Unfettered Mind"

