

What does it feel like to be unattractive and desired by none? - SandB0x
http://www.quora.com/What-does-it-feel-like-to-be-unattractive-and-desired-by-none

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reduxredacted
I was pleasantly surprised by this particular entry (at least the currently
held top responder, the 5' tall guy).

I saw one element that struck home with me:

 _I also get to hear female friends go on about what jerks all men are, how
they cheat, aren't trustworthy, etc_

It stood because I learned the hard way that when you are _that guy_ you're
_the brother she never had_ or (put in the "Friend Zone" [hat top to the movie
"Just Friends"]). The problem is that excessive assertiveness by people of
limited height tends to come off as "Napoleon Syndrome" ( _HNers_ know
Napoleon wasn't actually short, but I'm guessing my point was made properly
(-:).

HN tends toward problem solving, and I had the confidence problem, myself. I
am not short, but I am probably in the bottom 25% of the "attractive scale".
I'm a very skinny, non-muscularly developed male. I have an egg shaped head
and various other features that my bride (of 7 years, who happens to be a
three inches short of 5', likes to joke about). I was terrified of rejection
from women because I had been rejected a few times previously and ... really,
it sucks.

I can't take credit for all of this because I had read something "way back
when" that led me to this plan. I did it. It worked _for me_.

First, I wrote out the plan. This was important because it reinforced that I
was solving a problem in a non-personal nature (think serial killer saying "It
puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again"). At least once
per day (ultimately turned into several times in a two day span), I would
subject myself to female rejection in every way, and _I would accept it
graciously_.

I had been juggling one "friend I had hoped would be my girlfriend" and it
wasn't working out, so I started there. I explained that I had feelings for
her in clear language (I believe the words were "I've been hanging around with
you as a friend in hopes that you would date me"). I apologized for not making
that clear in the first place (the whole _graciously_ part kicks in. This was,
in my mind, a lie). I got rejected. We also ceased to be friends. In the long
run, it was a good decision.

Baby steps: I went to _the bar_ (really, _a club_ ). I used to triumphantly
say that I'd never want to have met my wife in a bar. This was a cop-out, and
I found _clubbing_ to be a great sandbox environment for this reason (I don't
"want" to meet my wife in a bar, so if they reject me, it's all a big
experiment). I don't dance, not even now. I went there with one of my friends
(significantly more attractive, despite being as skinny). He actually took
home one of the girls who had rejected me (really badly, with the whole "how
dare you hit on me _at a bar_ on _ladies night_ when I got _half-off drinks
and no cover charge_ and you had to _pay_ for the privilege of me _berating
you_ [yes, still a little bitter about that]). I struck out -- continuously --
mercilessly -- and the first several times it was _seriously_ one of the
biggest ego-killers I'd experienced (though, the amount of concentration it
took to keep a cool head actually softened the blow for me).

There were, however, the few _wins_. I got a couple of good dates out of women
I met at _the club_ (no real connections). I was (naively) surprised to find
that there are women at clubs who are there because they can't find another
socially acceptable place to be "picked up" (look for the ones who aren't
drinking very much and lack the ring or the arm-attached boyfriend).

The practical upshot of all of this was the usual story of how to gain a life
skill (confidence, not womanizing). It was highly awkward, painful and
resulted in a lot of failure. But I'm happily married going on 8 years as a
result of it. And the experience increased confidence in communicating with
others across the board.

EDIT: phrasing wasn't ideal.

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zdw
My question: Why didn't the guy with the height issue not use his real name,
or at least a contactable pseudonym?

I mean, with the latter he's not giving much away, and he might at least be
able to attract attention from people who were looking for someone nice to be
with who isn't shallow and self absorbed.

Also, if you're in this sort of a situation, I find that taking part in
organizations where beauty isn't a primary value (religious and charitable
institutions, political and social causes, for example) would let you get to
know people better than just going in the deep end of the shallow, sex focused
"dating scene" .

~~~
reduxredacted
_My question: Why didn't the guy with the height issue not use his real name,
or at least a contactable pseudonym?_

I believe the answer lies in his statements about lacking confidence.

I completely agree with you regarding meeting someone in social situations
where something other than "dating" is the primary purpose. From personal
experience, though, those circumstances are more difficult to approach a
person you're attracted to (unless they are specifically geared toward meeting
people (for relationship purposes) within a specific shared interest).
Nonetheless, if you lack confidence to approach a prospective mate, the
setting won't matter much, you simply won't approach someone you're interested
in.

Personally (as I had written previously), I advocate diving in head first into
the "dating scene" without prejudging the scene. You've referred to it as
_shallow_ and _sex focused_. It doesn't have to be. Commit to not having sex
until you're married, or some other meaningful milestone and approach the
dating scene that way. I didn't find my bride in the shallow, sex focused
dating scene, but I would have never approached her if I didn't have the
practice that said dating scene gave me. I believe, in most cases, men have a
one-up that the person answering this question failed to take into account.
Most men place a far higher value on physical attributes than women do
(though, height is one of those attributes that seems to be very important to
the women I've known, so I sympathize with this gentleman ... being skinny and
not muscularly developed tends to follow pretty closely, though ... and I'm in
that camp).

I remember how difficult it was at the time, and how insecure I was, but it
got easier and I wouldn't have met my bride if not for the miserable
experience of submitting myself to rather consistent rejection.

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spiralganglion
I thought, for a split second as the page was loading, that it was going to be
yet another, slightly more "meta" discussion about all the supposed problems
with Quora, and how people rag on it all the time.

"This is a follow-up to: What does it feel like to be attractive and desired
by many, Stack Overflow?"

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WordSkill
I wonder if Robert Scoble will answer this Quora question personally?

