

Being Present: You have ten to twelve years to connect with your kids - stakent
http://www.avc.com/a_vc/2010/06/being-present.html

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callmeed
I was barely 19 when my oldest daughter was born. While her mom and I were
never married, I made a decision early on that I was always going to be part
of her life and try and provide for her. That meant I had to stop playing
baseball. It meant I had to work full-time and only go to college part-time.
When her mom moved to the mid-west, I had to spend every extra dollar flying
to visit her or flying her back to CA to visit me.

She's almost 16 now and I couldn't be more proud of her. She's smart and we
have a great relationship. My company has done well enough that I can fly to
her or she can fly to me any time. My wife and her have a great relationship
(they are almost like sisters) and my younger daughters adore her.

Even though we never lived together all the time, I feel we have a better
relationship than many fathers/daughters do. I couldn't imagine what it would
be like if I hadn't made the effort.

Good post.

~~~
jdg
Thanks for sharing this.

I had just turned 19 (2 months) before my son was born. Never married, but
made the choice to stick around and make sure I was there every other weekend
(and more, if allowed). I didn't have the "normal" college life, because I was
gone every other weekend.

I've stayed in the midwest because of my son, rather than moving out to CA or
NYC. For the first 6 years of his life, I never missed a weekend visit. For 3
of the 8 years he's been around, I drove 6 hours roundtrip every other
weekend. The rest of the time it's just been a 4 hour roundtrip.

And, I've yet to regret it. I've been shown more opportunity than I could have
ever dreamed of. No idea if that's karma, but it wouldn't matter anyway
because the time with him is time well spent.

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Oxryly
Good post.

Today I was fortunate to have my Dad meditating right beside me for awhile.
For the first time in 37+ years (i.e. exactly how old I am) I felt his
presence and realized that it had always been there. Every second of every day
of my life, my Dad has been present. He definitely fits the type A anxiety
driven archetype, and he always struggled with working and really being with
his family. His presence almost always manifested itself as a highly
interested attention, which I let grate on me many atime -- especially during
my teenage years. In fact I don't know if I've ever really acknowledged it as
a presence rather than something else, usually unwelcome. But now I realize
that in many ways its what made me who I am today. Be present indeed.

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kmfrk
If there is any advice to live by as a parent, it is that 90 per cent of being
a parent is showing up.

At that point, you've probably overcome the biggest hurdle.

Take it from someone whose parents didn't.

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sanj
I find all of the "have kids" chatter strange, given that I've always felt
that YC was one of the least "family friendly" programs I've ever seen.

How many YC'ers were parents while in the program?

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yewweitan
Very nice post by Fred once again. I knew all too many people who grew up with
their fathers being away on some job in the name of "providing for the
family". It's heartening to see that the internet has enabled far more people
to both work and yet be present with family.

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Mike_McDerment
I'd just like to say, posts like this one are why I love reading Fred's
blog...somehow he uses his blog to be my mentor...in life and in
business...didn't think a blogger would ever do that for me and it's not
something I feel about anyone else I read.

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seanc
Companies come and go but your family is with you for life.

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TotlolRon
Make kids. It's the best startup you'll ever have.

~~~
nandemo
Hours are long, you're on-call 24/7.

Your co-founder might want out and take almost all the equity. Even so you
still must keep helping with funding.

Even if everything goes well with your co-founder, you put a lot of money into
it but your shares gradually and inevitably _unvest_ , till 18 years later
you've got 0% equity.

Even so you might be expected to shell out a couple of rounds of funding
("we're getting traction and in 4 years we'll be getting revenue").

Then, although you aren't liable for your "startup"'s actions anymore, your
reputation is forever linked to it.

What's the upside?

~~~
loewenskind
>What's the upside?

Have a child and you'll see, unless you really are as sterile as you sound. :)

~~~
Sukotto
Beware the opportunity cost of having kids.

I love my kids... but I've never had the rosy "they make my life complete"
vibe that a lot of other people talk about.

Maybe there's something wrong with me?

Kids are a tremendous time and money sink. Nightly storytime, getting down on
the floor to play with them, encouraging them as they experiment with
art/music/dancing/etc, taking them to the playground/pool/skating/etc every
weekend... those hours used to be for programming, learning, video games,
dating, movies, friends, "alone time", and everything else I gave up on or cut
WAY back on in order to make space in my life for my kids.

Looking back on my life, I think I would do it again... so I guess there's
some benefit to it all. But damn if I can see it or articulate it.

(They're 5, 3, and 1month)

~~~
seanc
Right now you're in the trenches. Once your youngest is out of diapers you
start climbing out of the trenches and your life gets some more balance. But
all this bonding time you're putting in now will pay off.

Hang in there.

~~~
mdh
My grandmother's catchphrase to all of her children and grandchildren when
they're struggling with their little ones is "You're enjoying this. You really
are. You just won't realise it for another 20 years".

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zeynel1
\--you have about ten to twelve years to connect with your kids and then they
turn into teenagers tune you out then turn into adults and build their own
lives--

then why connect with your kids at all -whether or not you connect with them
they will --turn into teenagers-- what a scary way of saying it - like a
beautiful butterfly turning into a monster - tune you out and then turn into
adults --and you turning into a pathetic old man -in their eyes- i think it is
better to listen to Paul Graham <http://www.paulgraham.com/lies.html> and tell
them to skip school and immediately start their own company at the earliest
age possible before they are indoctrinated by education to become professional
consumers - make mistakes early and often - and forget about this soupy-
kitschy-romantic stuff about -connecting- with kritters that -turn into
teenagers- who squeeze you for cash to pierce metal studs in their belly
buttons-

~~~
ryanwaggoner
Did I miss the essay where PG advises all kids to skip school and do a startup
instead? If so, I'd be pretty disappointed because that's _terrible_ advice
for the vast majority of teenagers.

~~~
neurotech1
I believe pg was referring to college, and grad school not high school. Few
people can argue that dropping out of PhD school to start a start-up was a bad
move for Larry Page & Sergey Brin.

~~~
loewenskind
Yea... for Larry, Sergey and Bill Gates it turned out really well. For the
rest? Must not have turned out well since we haven't even heard of them.

Further, in all the examples I can think of they dropped out because they
already had a company going or at least had a really strong idea for a
company. That's pretty different than dropping out hoping you'll come up with
something.

~~~
Tichy
We hear only about very few people, doesn't mean they are all failures.

~~~
loewenskind
Ok, I should have said "must not have turned out _as_ well". But would they
have done better if they would have stuck with their PhD?

My point is just, if you're going to drop out of (any) school you better make
sure you have a really good plan because it's a big deal. You're leaving some
real advantages on the table so you better be able to justify it.

