
Ask HN: How to make smalltalk? - buggy_code
Hey,<p>I realize this appears OT, but I don't think I'm the only one on HN with this problem, and we can just think of it as 'hacking social interactions' instead.<p>Here's the problem -- I've broken through the fear (of rejection) of talking to random, attractive girls. However, I have problem maintaining the smalltalk (i.e. conversation generally dies after 2-3 minutes).<p>Here's a typical scenario:
(<i>) I find some reason to talk about them -- if waiting @ bus stop (do you know when the next bus comes along?); if waiting in life for smoothie (those are nice ear rings ...); etc ...
(</i>) then, conversation starts dying; [btw, I'm on a college campus]; i.e. we can chat a bit a bout their major / field of study, etc ... but that's about it<p>The goal here isn't the pickup society's goal of: hey, go into a random bar, get laid; it's just figuring out how to meet new people + have interesting conversations without those .. ehh .. awkward 10 second silences that kill everything.<p>Suggestions? (help me debug my life, lol)<p>Cheers!
======
pg
I was about to capitalize the S because I thought this was going to be about
how to write a Smalltalk implementation.

As for your actual question, sometimes the conversation dies because the other
person wants it to, and you'd seem pushy if you tried to force it to continue.
But in borderline cases I recommend asking the other person about their
feelings about relevant things.

I was a peer conselor in college. They taught us something called Rogerian
Therapy, which consists of adding as little as possible of your own spin to
the conversation, just asking questions, particularly about how the other
person feels. You can't be too obvious, or it gets annoying. But if you're
subtle about it, people just open up.

~~~
spydez
As an introvert, I really, really (really) hate being on the receiving end of
this endless follow-on questions type of 'conversation' (can it be a
conversation if your only participation is to crowbar more words out of me? (I
digress...)).

"The only thing a true introvert dislikes more than talking about himself is
repeating himself," as an article in The Atlantic once said. So be careful
about using this Rogerian Therapy on shy people, and please don't use it on
me.

~~~
radu_floricica
If you're picking... please don't confuse shy with introverted. Some people
may be both, but it's definitely not the rule. It took me a while to realize
I'm a bold introverted... I'm not afraid of interactions, I just prefer books
to parties. Once the confusion was cleared I felt much better in my skin.

------
grandalf
What makes you think you're socially compatible with most people?

I think the key is realizing that you will probably only click with a small
number of people. In my case, I click amazingly well with highly educated,
ambitious, often nerdy people, and horribly with people who are really into
sports or drinking.

So just striking up a random conversation is unlikely ever to be particularly
interesting for me. As a result, I get bored and probably come across as quite
boring.

So my recommended approach is to amplify your quirky, unique aspects. These
may confuse or offend most people, but once in a while you'll run into someone
who gets you. Then just go with the flow.

If you really want to get good with normal people, just get a job as a waiter
or bartender.

I recommend lines like "wanna go on a treasure hunt? I'm looking for bits of
radioactive ore" or "i'm looking for a soul mate and i am feeling this weird
connection with you".

Definitely stay away from petty compliments about earrings, etc. Those are
creepy and will turn most girls off. And unless you're a jeweler there isn't
really very far you are going to be able to take the conversation, even if she
loves talking about earrings.

Bottom line: Maybe 1% of people will look at you and get a good, happy
feeling. Half of them will be left after you say something. So don't worry
about the 99.5% of people who will be difficult to engage with. Focus on
putting yourself out there and the 0.5% will be magnetically drawn to you and
your best characteristics.

~~~
markpercival
I'm the same way, I click with intelligent, inspiring and often wonderful
people and horribly with people that go by the name grandalf.

Seriously, I think this is horrible advise. You can certainly surround
yourself with people just like you, or you can challenge yourself and meet a
whole slew of interesting people. Some of my best friends are about as polar
opposite as it gets. Some even like sports!

As for the lines:

"wanna go on a treasure hunt? I'm looking for bits of radioactive ore"

This WILL NOT get you a girlfriend.

"i'm looking for a soul mate and i am feeling this weird connection with you"

This WILL. Three months later she'll kill your cat and you'll be seeking a
restraining order.

My advice - be yourself, add confidence and stop worrying about how it's going
to turn out.

One day you might even run into someone that is both highly educated and like
sports!

~~~
grandalf
The point of my comment was that there's not really any point in trying to
change who you are. In particular, complimenting a woman as an attempt to
strike up a conversation is a guaranteed way to make her freak out (unless she
is already attracted to you, but if she is then it doesn't matter what you
said).

The poster's question was about initiating smalltalk. Why waste time with
smalltalk when there are big, fun things to talk about? I used to waste time
with smalltalk but then one day it dawned on me that it's a total waste of
time -- I typically forget the name of the other person immediately when all
I've done is exchange smalltalk which creates its own problems.

I'm not a professional diplomat and I'm not interviewing for a job with you,
so if all you can talk about is smalltalk, then I'd rather just be alone. If
you're afraid to talk about anything controversial, or can't handle it if I
disagree with you, then I don't really respect you.

Sure it's fun now and then to try to click with someone who is totally
different (someone who holds traditional values, more average in aspirations
and interests), but the most I've ever gotten out of it is a vague sense of
flattery if the person is physically attractive, and that's a terrible reason
to attempt to repeat the experiment.

Being alone is OK. Cows wander in herds, and the human tug to be around people
is a lower instinct. Sure it's fun sometimes, and yes it can even be fun to
cheer in unison after someone hits a home run on TV, etc., but it's all an
attempt to trick yourself into feeling an artificial sense of belonging with
strangers.

If you want a s/o with low self esteem, then make a lot of money and try to
act normal. She'll find you.

If you want a s/o who is a unique person with a life, just be yourself (even
if you're a geek) and don't try to conform to perceived norms. You probably
perceive the norms slightly incorrectly in the first place (or else you
wouldn't be a geek) and you're likely to overthink them.

Most importantly, don't try to "find" someone. Just be happy being alone and
you'll attract similarly independent people.

------
icey
Aren't you the guy who posted the Ask HN about getting married before doing a
startup yesterday? I think maybe you have your order crossed up.

~~~
buggy_code
I am. Order not crossed up at all; this is just divide & conquer approach;
figure out what end goal is, then divide it into smaller problems, and solve
each of those. :-)

~~~
stcredzero
Why does this seem like a refinement on the 5 year-old's "Why?...Why?..."

------
rcoder
Starting a conversation is much easier when you have a reason to think you
have something to talk about with the other person. I too find it difficult
(and generally, also fairly pointless) to engage random strangers on the
street in conversation, but have found on the other hand that tech meetups,
volunteer opportunities, and alumni events have a relatively high chance of
producing interesting conversations, especially once I've established an
"anchor" group of friends and peers within a particular community.

You may also want to consider the context for the conversations when trying to
determine the reason that they die out. There was an article posted here some
time back on the subject of "acceptable settings for flirting", which wasn't
all that informative, but did hammer on one key point: people's degree of
receptiveness to conversation with strangers depends largely on context. I.e.,
someone sitting by him or herself in a bar or coffee shop may be a bit more
open to chit-chat than they would be when sitting at a bus stop, or having
lunch in a cafeteria.

Basically, you should rely on favorable settings (parties, departmental
mixers, sporting events) and implied social ties (academic cohort, shared
professional interest, friends in common) to get your foot in the door, _then_
try out your best lines, rather than expecting your wit alone to forge a new
relationship.

------
stonemetal
There are basically three sources of small talk. 1\. Things said previously in
the conversation as in after asking what their major is a follow up where you
actually know something about the topic. It helps to be well rounded. 2\. Your
personal interests(note: for a geek this usually turns out badly if they
haven't signaled interest in the topic.) 3\. Surroundings, posters for
something happening on campus etc.

Let it die. It is the holding on to it after it is dead is what makes it
awkward. It is easier to approach them a second time if it dies cleanly the
first time.

------
gabrielroth
(1) Good small talk is usually personal, in the sense that it's about the
people talking. "I'm a morning person" is not inherently more interesting than
"What a nice day!", but it creates a stronger bond between the people talking.

(2) Think of the conversation as an exchange of information: you're telling
each other things about yourselves. If you just ask questions and don't
volunteer anything about yourself, you seem creepy; if you only talk about
yourself, you seem like an egotist. If in doubt, try to get her talking about
herself more than you're talking about yourself, but not by too much.

(3) Don't try to show off your knowledge. It's good to be insightful or witty,
and it's fine to introduce a relevant fact if it moves the conversation along.
But in a casual conversation, people are not looking to be impressed by your
knowledge of e.g. their major or yours.

(4) If the conversation stalls out, ask a very general question: something
like "Are you having a good day?" or "Looking forward to the weekend?" or "How
are your classes going?" This makes it easy for them to find a subject they're
comfortable discussing. If someone replies to a question like this in a
closed-off way, like "Yup" or "Fine," they're signalling that they don't want
to continue the conversation. You can smile and say "Cool" and let it drop
without any embarrassment. Not everyone likes talking to strangers, and
everyone is sometimes in the mood to be alone with their thoughts.

------
edw519
Some things are made to hack and some things just aren't. You are wanting to
hack something that just wasn't ever meant to be hacked.

The solution to your problem is so simple it's actually rather elegant: Just
care about the other person. If you genuinely care, you'll have no problem
finding things to talk about. You'll be asking questions, not because you're
following a flowchart or playing a game, but because you _really_ want to
know. Fortunately, it's also the only way that works anyway; if you don't
care, you'll be clocked and look like a fool.

OTOH, if you don't care about the other person, move on and save both of you
the trouble.

~~~
fnewz
You hit it right on the head.

Getting to know a person isn't a technical skill that you master and practice
at will. (Granted, parts of the process, like choosing interesting topics and
getting a feel for what the other person wants to talk about is sort of a
skill gained by practice).

Really getting to know a person _requires_ you to actually care what the other
person thinks. Almost all else will follow.

Someone here mentioned that they dislike smalltalk so much that they forget
the other person's name right after the smalltalk ends. That's just one
example of many of what happens if you contrive to talk to someone without
actually caring about them.

------
pookleblinky
I'm a hermit, similarly incapable of smalltalk.

I long ago discovered that no one really likes small talk. It's the prelude to
a real conversation; that's the only reason people engage in it (or to signal
to each other's monkey brains that one is not a threat).

The solution? Ramp it up into a real conversation. Talk about economics,
politics, religion, and Emacs vs. Vim. Out of the blue, whatever.

On a side note, who do you think the women will remember more: the guy who
they got into an conversation with about Frederic Bastiat, or the 100th guy to
ask them about the weather?

~~~
yan
Good luck gauging if the person you're talking to is familiar with classical
political theory.

I honestly do think that the content of the conversation doesn't make up 100%
of the reason why a girl/friend/colleague remembers you. A lot of it is your
mannerisms, look, demeanor, friendliness, etc. A real conversation is great,
but it's a very risky bet trying to dive straight in to controversial topics.

The reason smalltalk exists is to get a feel for what topics one can actually
discuss. It's all part of the dance.

------
eventhough
It seems to me like you are using a "situational opener" which basically means
you open the conversation with something nearby or something you notice.
(weather, clothing, event, etc.)

Generally speaking these openers are not very good because after you talk
about the situation the conversation is dead. After you ask her when the next
bus comes along what could you possibly follow-up with? How many people do you
think will be on the bus? Do you think it will be a bumpy ride?

So your goal is to move as quickly as possible from the situational opener
into something deeper and more interesting. Find out something about where she
is going and try to build off of that into a much more substantial topic.

It's best if you talk about things that are fun such as relationships or
social problems. Always avoid the following topics though:

religion politics abortion affirmative action

These topics will destroy you.

Good luck. And once again, try to transition away from the situational opener
as soon as possible!

------
Tritis
If you can't make smalltalk with a girl then you can't make smalltalk with a
guy either. Why does that matter, right? Well it isn't just girls you have a
problem talking to. Chances are you're boring in general. And you obviously
want to find a girl and a good way to find a girl is through her friends (both
guy and gal).

If someone (guy or girl) asks what you're doing later tonight and the only
answer you have is "Going to work on some code" then you are a boring person.

If you have no options in your lifestyle besides go home and sit at a computer
you aren't going to be able to make smalltalk.

If you aren't going out this Thursday night to see a local band, or head to
the park for some frisbee or soccer/football or volunteering to read
children's books to kids at the library or really anything outside of your
house what exactly do you think you're going to talk to these people about?
The weather? Get some hobbies that you can share with other people. And pairs-
programming does not count.

And a major point about majors. No one gives a flying fuck. Third month into
freshman year every single person has been chatted up with "What's your major?
oh that's cool, I'm a so-and-so". That's basically staple conversation to the
point where you replay the conversation from memory rather than interacting
with the person talking to you.

People who are "good" at smalltalk aren't making shit up on the spot. They go
out and do things that they can talk about. Things other people do in a social
setting. If you can only define yourself as a programmer you are a boring
person.

------
noodle
i think that this is a good rule of thumb, although its not exactly the
universal solution:

ask open-ended questions, and latch onto any information that comes back to
you in order to ask more open-ended questions.

its not exactly small-talk, but people tend to like to talk about themselves
and will generally respond reasonably to doing so.

~~~
russell
See if there is something about the person to see if there is a nongeneric
opening. If she is holding a book, ask about the book. If it's a romance
novel, talk about the difference between girl books and guy books. If she is
carrying a newspaper of magazine ask whats interesting today.

If these are a little difficult practice on people who dont count. By that I
mean people who you dont care if you never see again. The elderly are often a
bit lonely and love to chat. Or a girl you would never ask out. (You could be
wrong about that.)

------
ErrantX
One thing I <s>dont</s> recommend you try is turning to a girl in a bar and
going "jesus these prices are insane!" without realising she's a hardline
christian who hates people using jesus as a "curse" word.

Still "with" her 3 years later. And we still row when I forget and say jesus
:P

Controversy tends to work quite well because it gets someones attention then
they conciously consider talking to you - casual talk or passing chat doesnt
really engage anyone and they will pass you over w/o a thought (that is the
awkward pause).

Dont say anything hurtful or rude obviously, just outrageous (preferably
relating to an inanimate "thing" and definitely _no one_ in the room in case
you pick a friend)

Once you have someones attention you can have a real conversation (like
pookleblinky suggested elsewhere). "Hi my name is...", "whats yours", "Whats
do you do" is fine for small talk. As pookle also mentioned it lets you
establish a non-threatening relationship... then pick a good topic to discuss,
that can be hard but let it come naturally.

I think your _real_ problem is that your thinking about it too much (I used to
do the same). Just care less about what they might be thinking of you and talk
as if you've known them for years. If they dont like you then being careful
and considerate etc. wont help much anyway - their loss.

------
kyro
It's all about cockiness and really not giving a damn about possible outcomes.
You also need to realize that many of the 'cool' people you talk to are caught
up in a world of idiocy. Once you can pick up on the stupidity, you'll feel a
lot more confidet and comfortable in approaching someone. I find that subtle
sarcasm helps too.

If you're trying to approach someone who's not obviously part of the hip
crowd, and from what you observe, they seem nice, approach them. You'll come
to realize that people are as nervous and shy to talk to others as you are, so
you're on the same level as most people.

~~~
ErrantX
an eye opener for me was when I happened to be hanging near this guy I hated
but was in my group of friends. He was, really, an idiotic person (why I
disliked him) but always seemed to be surrounded by women!

Of course you'd figure he has his patter down too a tee and knows just what to
say: but not at all - he was just loud and thick (partly put on, partly
genuine) and controversial... people loved it in the short term but they
wouldnt hang for more than 20mins or so (unless they wanted a bit of him). I
cant even remember what he was saying (mostly along the lines of "what do you
do" closely followed by "can I feel your tits" or something...)

------
whichdokta
wget ftp://ftp.gnu.org/gnu/smalltalk/smalltalk-3.1.tar.gz

tar xzvf smalltalk-3.1.tar.gz

cd smalltalk-3.1

./configure

make

~~~
greyboy
I always find this interesting on Hacker News that a post like this, which
appears witty, has so many upvotes, and that 'thwarted' just posted this
response to another post:

<http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=619028>

with virtually the same ranking. I guess it's very subjective what constitutes
as "contributing to the discussion" or not.

~~~
whichdokta
As a musician you get this all the time as well... the songs you're most proud
of play to deafening silence while the songs that could never be said to have
been inspired leave the house on their feet, shedding tears and yodeling.

People in groups may feel warm&fuzzy&nice but until we can get the same kind
of bandwidth between our respective heads as we can inside our heads all group
consciousness will remain anathema for excellence.

For intelligence I go to be by myself or seek out the company of other
specialists.

------
wallflower
I've learned a lot from www charismaarts com

I highly recommend it. It may change your social life forever.

It's more about conversation than pickup. Peruse the forums. It's not about
technique, it's more about intent. It's not about seeking approval, it's about
giving approval.

I'm not going to rehash what their philosophy and conversational techniques
are but if you were to search my previous comments on mingling and small talk
- much of it is sourced from them.

------
raffi
Here, maybe this will help, and judging by the vocabulary _aherm_ some folks
are using to describe social situations here... they probably learned all this
the same way I did:

1\. If you're going to make conversation with someone, commit to doing it.
i.e. don't mumble or make a half peep attempt at saying hi. Look at them,
pause, smile, and say hello or something exciting like that.

2\. If you want conversation to keep going... ask open ended questions. These
are questions that can't be answered with just a yes or no. When you ask such
a question be sure to answer it yourself. "I hope to take over the world one
day. What are your dreams?"

3\. Talk in terms of feelings. "I feel it is a nice day today, I love the
smell of freshly cut grass" not "It is 80F this is the exact temperature I'm
calibrated to like".

That should put you on the path. Good luck.

------
larrywright
The thing you have to remember is that most people _love_ to talk about
themselves. This isn't a bad thing, it's just human nature. You can leverage
this, however, for small talk. Ask the other person about themselves, and they
will often talk for hours. You can keep it going by just asking follow up
questions: "Oh, you went to College X? What made you choose that over Y?"

The trick with this is to not come off like you're writing a novel. The line
between interested and creepy is pretty fine. The best advice I can give you
here would be to avoid getting /too/ personal. Keep it general.

------
dhouston
as a starting point, "how to win friends and influence people" by dale
carnegie (less weird than it sounds)

------
chris_l
The awkwardness of your 10s silence is entirely in your head. They might have
the same problem, but you wouldn't notice if they didn't. Familiarity is about
being able to be in someones presence without it becoming awkward.

A lot of attractive girls are boring because the guys always make the
conversation, if you let her take the lead you will bore her by default. Try
mentioning something she might be interested in and see if she latches on:
then you can take the lead and make yourself interesting.

------
anonymous_5
In general: Join Toastmasters, it will help with small talk and making
speeches. Learn to tell jokes, a conversation is much easier if the other
person is relaxed and laughing. Be well read and know how to argue in a non-
confrontational manner. It is not always necessary to use the large blunt
object to make a point.

If you are looking to get married and you need help meeting someone then
google 'Doc Love' and read his free stuff or listen to his internet radio
show. I was referred to a counselor for this sort of thing by a friend, the
counselor was teaching the same methods of recognizing what is being
communicated (by her and by me)

I tend not to notice non-verbal behavior or know what message I'm sending
except in formal situations. At the time I wasn't ready for the information so
it was frustrating. Later through I was and it has helped.

If you have problems with recognizing non-verbal behavior look into the work
of Paul Ekman; again very helpful.

------
ninjaa
pack up some small anecdotes that are a lot of fun and that also expose your
interests. Make sure they're not super-geeky - most laypeeps will enjoy a
story from fmylife.com or rickrolls or /b/ gaming Time Magazine or whatever
but not about star wars or iphone apps or functional programming, Sounds
obvious but I personally definitely have to do a filter through my stories and
file them in OK and not OK bins in my head. Showing off cool new iphone apps
is ok too. It's okay to be geeky as long as you are interesting.

Switch between those and open-ended questions and you should be ok. About 1/3
ppl who I chat w like that chat back. 1/3 you could force it (and sometimes
forcing it is worth it, since this is how you build up the game) and 1/3 are
plain not down, but ignore those fools or switch to a more advanced game.

------
HeyLaughingBoy
Just talk. Talk about anything and don't let your feelings get involved. Some
of the best advice I ever heard was that shyness was just self-centeredness
getting in the way. Focus on the other person and how they are responding to
you. If you get "real" responses, keep talking. If you get "yeah," "nope," or
apparent disinterest then disengage from the conversation.

Don't think about trying to get a "connection" with the person, it's just
conversation, not an interview.

The important thing to remember is there is no reason to be embarrassed: this
person has nothing against you, she just doesn't feel like talking to you.
Maybe she would at some other time, maybe never. Either way, It's Not A Big
Deal, just talk to the next girl you meet instead. After a while it gets
easier and you don't even think about it.

------
uuilly
The best conversations are those that aren't predictable. Get away from the
mundane as fast as possible. You are a unique person, if you hide that
uniqueness, you become boring and nobody will want to talk to you.

eg: You: "Crazy rain eh?" Girl: "Yeah." You: "I love the rain, it reminds me
of Rangoon." Girl: "You've been to Rangoon?" You: "No but it is the best city
name in the world." Girl: "I've always been partial to Riyad"

If rain reminds you of an episode of star trek or of an algorithm, say so.
You'd amazed how far you can get if you say something w/ total confidence no
matter how absurd. If the person blows you off, it's all good. 99% of people
aren't going to be your friends.

Don't be boring and don't be afraid. The more you do it the easier it gets.
You loose absolutely nothing by trying.

------
alexgartrell
All you need to do is look for the other persons interest to perk up at
specific topics and ask questions in that direction. Keep them talking about
things that interest them, tell them how cool what they like is, etc. Make
sure to have your own insights and be able to BS about any topic, but the most
important thing is to keep THEM talking. People are more interested in what
they have to say than what you do.

/sad truth

------
alain94040
Actually, I had just came up with an idea for an iPhone application (check out
<http://fairsoftware.net/public/project/634>)

I'd be interested in finding a developer and an English major to turn this
into something real. I think this app has potential.

~~~
lpgauth
Funny story, I'm an iPhone dev and recently single. I have had some difficulty
closing with girls recently and now my firends make fun of me saying I should
code an IClose app for the iPhone.

------
bobocopy
Ask her questions about herself. Demonstrate to her that you are interested in
what she has to say. The end.

~~~
chris_l
Every guy does that, and pretty transparently to boot. The end.

------
psyklic
In my opinion, the goal of "smalltalk" is to find what you both have in common
with each other. ("Are you a student? --Me too! Major? --Really ... I was
going to go into that, but <insert joke here>") Assuming you do in fact have
things in common, the rest should follow.

------
whacked_new
Does anybody else find it interesting that this question has generated so many
responses here?

Suppose you are standing in line for a drink, and some HN person is in front
of you. How to make small talk? Ask them, "how to make small talk," and you'll
make small talk in no time.

------
pasbesoin
This may not be what you're looking for, and I don't generally favor
medication. However, for a personal, anecdotal perspective. A number of years
ago, when stress was particularly high, I started taking St. John's Wort. In
addition to taking the edge off of my anxiety, I found myself communicating
somewhat more facilely particularly in random social encounters. It was a
surprising and pleasant realization.

Now, as a counter-balance, in addition to lessening my anxiety, the St. John's
Wort also seems to lessen my "spark" somewhat, depending on dose. I countered
this somewhat by adjusting the dose, e.g. at times taking 150 mg as opposed to
the "standard" 300 mg.

It's not a dramatic effect, and people still consider me plenty witty (when
I'm in good form); but I do sometimes notice, particularly after it wears off,
that I'm "seeing further/deeper".

The thing about St. John's Wort is that it is over the counter. It's also
considered to be generally fairly benign, although you do need to be aware of
potentially adverse effects on some other medication regimens. There are
others to be aware of, but as an example, if you are female you should be
aware that St. John's Wort lessens the effectiveness of oral contraceptives.

St. John's Wort is also noted for increasing photosensitivity in some people.

[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/St_Johns_Wort#Adverse_effects_a...](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/St_Johns_Wort#Adverse_effects_and_drug_interactions)

For me, in part perhaps the St. John's Wort helps me to let go of my own
concerns and to focus more on the immediate moment and what interests the
other person. This immediacy eliminates much of the "hesitation" that quickly
grows in awkwardness to the point where the interaction is killed.

As I've gotten older and, frankly, my hormones balance has correspondingly
changed, I've found it easier to achieve this state without e.g. St. John's
Wort (or alcohol, or whatever else might be used). Also, being involved in an
activity that is very engaging and immediate can also on its own bypass /
short-circuit / obviate this "hesitation".

So, I think there are ways to get towards what you describe without popping a
pill. Perhaps meditation might be a component, over the longer term. Still,
experiencing that ease is of itself interesting and informative, and so I
share my experience for any benefit or further discussion it may promote.

I wish you well, and I wish you particularly the social grace you seek: As one
gets older, it does become apparent how "short" our time is, and how important
social life is to one's quality of life. You are right to want to improve your
own.

Regards

P.S. If you do look into St. John's Wort, be sure to find a product that is
standardized not only against hypericin but also against hyperforin. I've
found that only those products that ensure the latter have the best efficacy
for me.

[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/St_Johns_Wort#Chemical_composit...](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/St_Johns_Wort#Chemical_composition)

~~~
pasbesoin
Upon reflection, I recall a period of time, earlier in my life, when I engaged
in fairly intense, daily exercise. My social comfort increased significantly,
as well as my overall ease with myself and "comfort in my own skin".

Unfortunately, a rather serious injury from which I never fully recovered,
eliminated my ability to continue engaging in that or similar exercise. But I
would definitely look at personal fitness as a course of action. The trick is
that it needs to be something you really enjoy and not just a chore. For me,
that was cycling. I'd ride for 2 or 3 hours, get home, and be ready to do it
all over again -- I liked it that much.

Following up on my "meditation" comment. For me, the closest I got to
meditation was perhaps my state of mind while cycling. I found it much easier
to reach such a state while engaged in the activity of cycling. I'm not sure
meditation need mean sitting in repose. And the cycling definitely encouraged
attention to breath and the like. It encouraged an active, engaged attention
to my entire body; simultaneously, the ability to "be in the moment" for
extended periods of time.

------
madh
It would be worthwhile to read Human Relations on Ask MetaFilter
(<http://ask.metafilter.com/human-relations>).

------
Anon84
<http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=619182>

------
Kisil
Leil Lowndes' "How to Talk to Anyone" is an excellent primer.

------
jcapote
'Hello World!' displayNl

