

I understand Aaron Swartz. - altaccount9

I understand Aaron Swartz and the other hackers that have committed suicide.  As hackers and entrepreneurs we are pretty good at self reflection and analysis.  We can expand our observations out and see how things will be in the future.  As well, we want control of our lives.  Even worse, we are generally capable people who when making decisions can see them out.<p>I think what ends up happening is we just see the dead end, get depressed and decide to short cut to it to spare ourselves and loved one.  We make it out to be a rational decision.  And maybe it is.  Swartz had prison hanging over his head.  Zhitomirskiy had his failure with Diasporia.<p>I have my complete failure at life.  In 25 years time I will still have nothing, and probably have dragged my mother into financially bad position with me.  In the last 13 years I’ve done nothing.  After failing out of college I never recovered.  I tried doing technical odd jobs when I could get work.  HW hacking here, an odd program there, designing gambling devices, PC repair and IT when needed.  None of it has lead anywhere.  I was lazy for too long and now its too late.<p>I look at the success people are having elsewhere.  They managed to get through school, do amazing things and have the means to move forward.  But it seems to be for a select few.  My friends and acquaintances struggle.  I’d have loved to worked on some of the greatest projects of today and tomorrow.  The vehicle automation that Tesla is doing, or the asteroid mining at PR.  Google is going to rock it with their general robot and AI projects.  Assuming google actually makes it accessible to non-googlers.  I can’t even afford the materials for a NLP&#x2F;ASR project I want to work on.  No money for BLE beacons, or a phone able to use them.  Or really the means to not be a drain on others while figuring it out, not that I could even get A funding.<p>I know the despair that other hackers felt.
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smalleat
I have felt that despair, but then I realized I was setting the bar too high
for myself. I recognized the simple humanity in myself. I found that I could
be satisfied, even happy, with changing my expectations.

My depression is fueled by having very high expectations for myself and then
not achieving those. I must admit that I don't always know what's best for
myself, and I'm willing to admit that these expectations are delusions of
grandeur.

It helps me to think of where I stand in relation to every other living person
on this planet, instead of comparing myself to Mark Zuckerberg or Elon Musk.
I'm not basing this on real data, but I would guess that most people in this
world don't know what Boolean logic is (or care). There are many people who
struggle to find clean drinking water for the day, who probably won't eat
today (again), and who hear about "the internet" like it's a mystical land.

You are not a failure at life. You have failed to find the right perspective
to observe your life from so that you can find meaning and satisfaction in it.
Keep trying, that perspective exists and you can find it.

