
Most lives are lived by default (2012) - keiferski
https://www.raptitude.com/2012/07/most-lives-are-lived-by-default/
======
tapland
Something I've been thinking about lately and I think I've come to consider
the optimum to be genuinely happy with the defaults.

As someone who has moved around a lot, tried different things, different jobs,
I look at the people who never left their home towns, still have the same
friends who are far from perfect and far fewer, and they seem no less happy
living day to day than the people I know who moved to a place they 'love', got
a great job and do scubaing, skiing and general traveling months out of the
year.

There is something about adaptability that make humans strong. Getting a
severe illness people still tend to revert to being just as happy as before
after a few years, though the condition remains. Winning the lottery doesn't
improve your happiness since you revert to the same baseline in the same
amount of time.

Those of us who move around are some kind of seeker looking to improve, but
the environment might not be unfit for us and if we had another persons
mentality we would be just as happy where we are as we will be in our optimal
place.

~~~
rhn_mk1
Is being happy the goal we should be satisfied with though?

The adaptability has both a good and a bad side. We become happy, but we
become complacent. I am hoping that most humans value being a good person as
much as being happy. Settling just on happiness doesn't take into account
striving for higher values.

I think that's what the article is saying in a roundabout way: we should not
be self-satisfied, but instead actively try to improve ourselves to become
closer to the ideals we want to represent.

~~~
justaguyhere
_we should not be self-satisfied, but instead actively try to improve
ourselves_

Two things I don't understand about this statement - first is the use of the
word "should". Why should someone tell me what I should or shouldn't do (as
long as whatever I do isn't impacting others negatively)? second, what is
wrong with people who are just plain happy with the way they are and don't
find any reason to try new things or "improve"?

To be clear, I am not for or against trying to improve one's life. IMHO, each
person should be left to decide for themselves and not pressured to "improve".
A person isn't inferior if they aren't trying to make more money, run faster,
play the piano better or whatever, and they are just happy the way they are.

~~~
rhn_mk1
I could rephrase that sentence to answer your first question:

> It's not logically consistent to remain stagnant while self-satisfied if you
> have goals beyond that.

I used "should" not to express an obligation to someone else, but to yourself.

As to what's wrong with people who don't find any reason to improve: In their
frame of reference, there's nothing wrong with them. That's why I said:

> improve ourselves to become closer to the ideals we want to represent.

If someone has no ideal they want to represent, then nothing I said applies to
them.

I personally disagree with what you said here though:

> A person isn't inferior if they aren't trying to make more money, run
> faster, play the piano better or whatever, and they are just happy the way
> they are.

People live in the context of society, and the world they are creating.
There's no unbinding oneself from the consequences of one's actions, the same
way every act of consumption creates a footprint and cost to the world that we
share with others. I think settling on one's own happiness is a low bar to
clear, and failing to strive to leave our legacy better for others is a short-
sightedness that leads to crises, best represented by the global warming.

Of course, people are being left to decide what they think they should be
doing for their lives, but I hope we can agree that there exists a view in
which they would be reasonably condemned.

------
weeksie
Maybe because I'm from an isolated part of the US where the initial leap to
leave was easy but I've never had compunctions about picking up and starting a
new life somewhere. I left Alaska when I was 17, moved back, then again when I
was 21 for Seattle, then left Seattle for Sydney when I was 26, then Sydney
for NYC when I was 31 and been here for the last 10 years (though I went
traveling with my girlfriend for 18 months a couple years back).

It's good to shake things up and head for more opportunity, but it's also
important to value the time you put in growing your community. After almost
eleven years in NY I am reluctant to go somewhere else long term. Sure, a few
months at a time but there's no way to speed up the process of making another
decade's worth of friends. It's also important not to stop making friends,
some of my closest are those I've made in the last five years.

Speaking of five years, I kinda like making broad plans about my life in five
year chunks. I taught myself how to write software in Seattle. Started a
company in Sydney about five years after that. And five years back I decided I
wanted to learn how to write so I pulled back to doing freelance and focused
on fiction. Now I'm pretty decent! I'm also back into the startup game, but I
picked up a new super power which is pretty sweet. I dunno, if you regret not
doing something, do what you can to try it out—you only get one life. There
are tradeoffs but I'm happiest not living with regret about what-ifs.

~~~
foobarrio
Have you ever been ill for long periods or had to care for parents, siblings
or other loved ones being ill? Many people do. Of course they can choose not
to care for anyone and leave but many times other people come into the picture
when making decisions on where to spend your time. It's hard to make any plans
in situations where you have no idea on the health of those you're taking care
of.

~~~
weeksie
I'm not sure that having someone to care for would inhibit thinking of your
life in five year chunks. Mobility? Definitely. But not everybody has the same
situation, I'm surely lucky because I don't have those kinds of obligations
but I didn't call it out because I am tired of the current fashion of ritual
privilege self-flagellation. Cataloging all of my advantages and disadvantages
feels oblique to the point.

~~~
foobarrio
It's the risk and uncertainty that changes everything. It's not just the
mobility that changes. I have to take care of a sick family member and often
times have to spend multiple days/nights in the ER/hospital. My current
employer pays well, understand my situation and allows me to take days off
pretty easily. Writing tax reporting software is probably the most boring
thing I've ever had to do. However leaving that job and starting a company is
a much much harder choice for me to make than a person with 0 responsibility
to others. I will be competing with such persons too if I do decide to start
company.

------
deadneopets
Constantly chasing happiness typically only leads to short term happiness,
then a return to baseline. If you're expecting a change of scenery to make you
a new person, it won't. Anywhere you go, there you are.

This concept isn't a bad thing. You are constantly evolving, and some choices
you make will work for you better than others have. However, if you want to
feel at peace (which is a much more important goal) you can find that at any
stage in your life.

------
GuiA
The counterpoint of that being that if you can’t be happy with what you have
now (assuming of course no abusive relationship/living in need of
food/shelter/etc), what tells you that changing what you have will
meaningfully affect your capability to be happy?

Wherever you go, there you are.

I liked this recent read:

 _“My father knew a family named Wolfawitz who wanted to go on vacation but
didn’t know where.

It hit them. Take a two-week road trip driving to as many towns, parks, and
counties as they could that contained their last name: Wolfpoint, Wolfville,
Wolf Lake, etc.

They read up and found things to do on the way to these other Wolf spots: a
hotel in a railroad car, an Alpine slide, a pretzel factory, etc.

The Wolfawitzes ended up seeing more than they planned. Lots of unexpected
things popped up along the route.

When they came back from vacation, they felt really good. It was easily the
best vacation of their lives, and they wondered why.

My father says it was because the Wolfawitzes stopped trying to accomplish
anything. They just put a carrot in front of them and decided the carrot
wasn’t that important but chasing it was.”_

------
jl6
Counterpoints: (a) the grass is rarely greener on the other side, (b) what you
do and where you live are less important than how you do it and how you react
to it.

Can’t fault the point about friends and relationships though.

~~~
TeMPOraL
Counter-counter-points from what I understand the article was saying:

(a) The grass may not be greener on the other side, and it's possible that
you'll like it less, but with each sample taken you know which shades of green
you prefer, and you might eventually spot the much better grass somewhere.

(b) How you do it and how you react to it is influenced by who do you spend
time with, which is often determined by what you do and where you live, so
it's kind of a feedback system - thus it can be nudged in many places, not
just one.

------
11thEarlOfMar
For me, the default act was accepting the first job offer when I was
searching. That behavior meant that I wasn't really consciously choosing a
career path, which was not optimal. Since the next job frequently keys off of
the experience of the prior job, I wound up spending an entire career in an
industry that I didn't consciously choose.

~~~
Novashi
There’s plenty of FOMO at lower income levels. You don’t want to gamble that
there won’t be an offer after the one you know you have. It’s harder to
‘afford’ turning down offers.

IMO it’s a perfectly reasonable survival strategy.

------
scandox
This is always my advice to people between 18 and 23: be careful what industry
or area you go into - there's a good chance you'll never leave it.

~~~
PascLeRasc
That's what I'm worried about. I didn't realize that what I really love is
industrial design and music technology until I left undergrad and started
doing software engineering work. Now I'm worrying about how I'll get out and
get into one of my two interests.

~~~
Jyaif
You should be able to switch job if you have a side project proving your
passion and if you are ready to take a pay-cut.

~~~
scandox
Generally speaking as one gets older one's commitments and expenses rise -
that's why it gets harder and harder to change course because you can't easily
take the pay-cut.

------
ppeetteerr
This article presents a couple of interesting ideas but one really stands out:
change and challenging yourself to leave the default state is not just a good
thing for your soul, it's also a great way to discover who you are.

How else can you be happy with what you have if you keep wondering whether
there is something better out there? Perhaps one way is to go looking for that
happiness. Either you find it or you discover that the thing you had
originally was what made you truly happy. Either way, stepping out of the
ordinary is great way to learn about yourself.

------
subjectsigma
Weird sentiment in my mind. Regarding the job and home, I can maybe understand
the argument. Regarding my friends, I feel that their randomness (or
"defaultness") is an incredible miracle. I am not social and I have never
exactly had a high self esteem. The fact that I do have a small, extremely
close group of friends, with a wider pool of people I know casually, is proof
to me that I am not only incredibly lucky, but also that at least someone sees
me as valuable. The idea that I could create something better by myself seems
not only "out of the question", but arrogant and absurd. Of course, the author
might say I played right into what he wrote, but it really comes down to a
matter of belief, doesn't it?

------
dddddaviddddd
Most actions involve layers of heuristics such that they might be called "by
default"

------
marsrover
> But most of us become too established in one place to seriously consider
> moving once we hit 30.

Sometimes I feel like that would be nice but then realize I’d be very unhappy
with it. I’ve moved over 10 times in the last 10 years across 4 different
states.

I’ve never really lived on ‘default’ and wouldn’t want to. I like taking risks
and giving in to my impulses and it has been financially and personally
rewarding in many ways.

For people living on ‘default’ I recommend tweaking the setting a little bit.

~~~
wink
When I was starting to study and into my early twenties I couldn't really
imagine moving away from my (big) home town. Now a few years later I don't
really see any 100% arguments to stay, although nothing has changed regarding
my happiness with the town or my friends or the jobs I've had.

Caveat: European city dweller, not rich enough to be a home owner :P

------
xte
That's was a classic in many different society in many different time... Have
"non standard" life for most people means a rapidly evolving society that push
innovation, experimentation and freedom. The exact opposite of modern
society... Also the exact opposite of classic industrialized society because
even if we are in CNC era mass production to be economically sustainable still
need standard repetitive production.

IMO even when (if) we will arrive in the 3D printing industrial era we will
remains for decades in "standard" society simply because even if we push 3D
printing to incredible level becoming able to print nearly any kind of
artifact we use daily it will still be an expensive slow process respect of a
dedicated machinery.

Perhaps in a far far (and hypothetical) future when we will have easy and
powerful 3D parametric CAD systems with fully interchangeable formats, with
built-in CAE easily accessible to nearly anyone at least for basic simulation,
with a so advanced machining that we can simply drop our part in a directory
and the software take care to suggest material we need and auto-produce it we
will see a new "modern era" of personal development. And this future is
unlikely for many thing, industrial control is one of them: if we are able to
produce really "individually" anything we are free. Too free for actual ruling
classes. We can produce positive innovation that impact some rich&powerful
business, we can produce weapons, we can innovate in unwanted directions etc.

Remember formally in the western we are citizens in democracy, but that's
formally, a results of our ancestors fights, that was never really complete
and vanish more and more every days.

~~~
scottndecker
I have literally no idea what you're talking about

~~~
siekmanj
> someday we'll achieve a utopia wherein we'll be able to 3d print anything we
> want, and it won't be possible for governments to exist and we'll all live
> in libertarian paradise.

At least, that's what I got from him.

~~~
xte
Sorry for my poor English: I mean "most lives are lived by defaults" because
we live in a society that prize and push Ford-model workers, pyramidal
organization. So most people simply follow the stream, do thing different is
simply to hard these days.

In a future utopia perhaps we can have a different society but that's is
utopia today.

It is more clear?

------
crazynick4
I would take this article a step further and say that all the "bottom lines"
in the article can be affixed with ", if they don't feel they have a purpose".

Most people live meaningless lives, that is why they feel empty. If you're
just chasing the next raise or promotion or just raising a family so that they
in turn can do the same you will inevitably end up feeling empty, whether
you're living by default or not. On the other hand, if you have some goal or
passion you are pursuing ( one that you believe to be even more important than
yourself) , then you will find yourself in the right city, surrounded by the
right people, as a result of that.

I agree with the article for the most part but I think it's missing a big
piece as far as suggesting _what_ should be driving all these "default" people
to change.

~~~
AnIdiotOnTheNet
> Most people live meaningless lives

I don't believe I've ever heard this phrase uttered by someone who wasn't an
arrogant prick. Different people find different meaning in their lives. That
they don't share the same definition of meaning that you do does not make
their lives meaningless. For a lot of people, chasing social and economic
status and raising a family absolutely does have meaning for them.

Now, if we're only talking about people who feel empty, well, feeling like
your life lacks meaning is kind of the definition.

~~~
tonyedgecombe
_I don 't believe I've ever heard this phrase uttered by someone who wasn't an
arrogant prick._

I don't think there was any need for that.

------
BuckRogers
The Buddhist comment on the blog was excellent. I think the truth is in the
middle, and the comment already nailed that middle ground. You need to take
action to better your life, but also be wise enough to appreciate what you
have. I've done a lot of traveling, moved around many times around the country
after 30. I'm a very unafraid and bold individual, as is my wife. I lived and
worked in another country. I wouldn't say it wasn't worth it, and I'd do it
all again even though it was a lot of work and sometimes stress. I learned a
lot about the world around me, and myself.

I don't think everyone needs to do these things. It depends on the person and
critically, your motivation for doing so. I never did anything I've done out
of curing unhappiness. The thought never even crossed my mind once in my life,
until reading that blog. If that's the motivation, I think disappointment
awaits. Mine were all related to goals, helping my spouse achieve her dreams,
or achieving my own. Which increased happiness, but the goals weren't set out
of unhappiness. I was happy, we were happy, but we wanted to do something more
with our time on Earth, and take some risks. It was fun, we'll probably do it
more if it makes sense. We keep pushing, I'm a very satisfied developer with
no more career goals to check off my list, she just received her Masters and
soon onto her PHD. As much change as we've done over the years, I ironically
wouldn't change a thing.

Setting goals that will increase happiness is good. I wouldn't set goals to
increase happiness on its own. It's your disposition, circumstances,
relationships, job that can increase happiness. As a result, I frequently
decide to be a better husband (instead of just taking out the trash, start
doing the dishes nightly, making the bed, going on more vacations, helping
fulfill their educational and career dreams). Or a better neighbor or citizen,
it doesn't require a spouse. I can do that right here and now, no need to wait
for some special situation or a move to some other place. The consequence to
taking action, any action like that, makes you feel better. It gives you a
sense of control over your own destiny, and while I hear a lot of excuses from
people, I always reiterate that no one has more control over our lives than
ourselves. Just accepting that responsibility and taking charge feels good,
you don't have to even succeed at the goal.

I've found setting goals, most often unselfish ones, whether it's helping
spouse out as much as I can with her career by moving, helping with Masters
degree papers, being a better husband, while seemingly indirectly related to
happiness, has made me much happier. This is ancient wisdom, but I've
accidentally stumbled across it out of love for my spouse.

You are already enough as you are. You were born enough. Happiness doesn't
really come from surfing, that's enjoyment. Some people enjoy snorting
cocaine, that's not happiness either. The Facebook and Instagram pretend-rich,
be damned as well. Loving someone else, spouses, neighbors, it doesn't matter,
is really loving yourself.

I've made a lot of changes in my life and I've never made a more fulfilling
change than that one. I'm a flawed person for sure, but I wouldn't change
spots with anyone, because I'm (now) always trying to be a better person
regardless of my circumstances. I'd be worried that I'd be someone else, maybe
with a billion dollars, who is afraid to make real change in their lives, be
adventurous and risk-taking in the important way, loving others selflessly
without reward. I could be Jeff Bezos. I can't imagine a deeper hell.

------
b_tterc_p
I believe meaning doesn’t matter to most people. If asked, they would probably
say their life is meaningful, but it’s not of huge importance to them. On the
contrary, a subset of people find it immensely important and therefore
exceedingly difficult to achieve and are responsible for most of the published
thinking on it. By necessity chasing after something that will make you feel
you have lived a good life won’t work, because after you’ve done it... you’re
still alive.

Finding peace with your surroundings also sounds nice, but for some it’s just
not going to work- and making peace with the idea that long term meaning is
not a good goal is probably ideal.

TLDR people are bad at meta-emotions. Also, fear of death, sincerity of love,
and self respect.

------
zxcvvcxz
>He’s thirty-eight, fit, has no plans for children,

Well there you go.

Jamie fell for the "career and consumerism" meme and now he realizes something
critical is missing. How much drinking and Netflix and vacationing can you do
before you realize that you're becoming a genetic dead end?

We're meant to feel bad when we're not accomplishing our biological
imperatives.

~~~
justaguyhere
_We 're meant to feel bad when we're not accomplishing our biological
imperatives._

Maybe. I have decided not to have children. While I can't predict the future,
as of now, I think this is the right decision for me.

What exactly is the point of bringing another human to this planet? We have
messed up this planet to the point of no return (almost), opportunities are
dwindling by the day, there are crowds everywhere fighting for meager
resources...

Does having kids suddenly make one happy? I see so many parents stressed all
the time, simply trying to provide for their kids. How do you explain that?

~~~
sifoobar
You're not going to save the planet by not having kids, I know that much. And
maybe that's exactly what they bring here, enough new perspectives to get
through our issues?

It's not about being happy, happy comes and happy goes; it's about doing
something meaningful with your life, because it's the only thing that is going
to work long term.

~~~
justaguyhere
I didn't mean I want to save the planet, I just meant, why bring another life
into this miserable planet knowingly and intentionally?

 _it 's about doing something meaningful with your life_

This is what I don't understand. Kudos to those who do something meaningful
with their life - but why should I do it too? What if I am perfectly happy
watching Netflix and sleeping 14 hours a day?

~~~
sifoobar
You're forgetting that everyone who came to the same conclusion as I did had
already been where you are, we all walk more or less the same path.

I'm not saying everyone is the same, far from it; there wouldn't be any need
to keep billions of us around if we were.

But life doesn't waste opportunities for evolution, and there's no point in
having billions of people watching Netflix forever. It will find a way to get
you out of your comfort zone, cooperating or kicking and screaming.

