
Ask HN: Is There a Manual for Babies? - martingoodson
I&#x27;m going to become a father soon. A friend of mine told me he really wished he&#x27;d been given a manual so he could have prepared better for fatherhood.<p>I&#x27;m guessing if there was a book written for the scientific or engineering parent this would be the place to find it.<p>Any ideas?
======
muzani
As someone whose parents were actual child psychologists, and a wife who's
professionally certified in child care, I don't think the manual helps. We've
seen all the manuals and even written a few, and they tend to be
pseudoscience, even the ones written by academics. There's lots of data on
what children do, what ages they do it, why they do it. But most of it is not
helpful; they are simply manuals. A lot of it is not field-tested, just logs.

Things you should be aware of like Terrible Twos, which is the age where they
want agency over the world and try all kinds of behavior to see what they can
impact.

In the early stages, you should also be aware that sleeping is a skill. Many
babies don't learn it properly. Many kids fall asleep because of coddling and
such, and can't figure out how sleep without that routine. There's a lot of
advice, about how to put your baby to sleep based on this principle. Ignore
half of it and figure out what works for you.

There will be lots of crying and sleepless nights. Babies who sleep late are
tired. They don't get enough sleep. Then they can't sleep because they're too
tired to sleep. And it's a nasty cycle. Try not to bring your baby out at
nights unless absolutely possible.

In general, what works for us is treating them as newbie humans. Instead of
spanking or forcing them, try to convince them. Sometimes this means letting
them get hurt. But do it in a harmless way, like letting them bite a raw onion
when you told them not to, or touch a hot-but-not-scalding bowl of soup.

They will imitate what others do, especially their ages and their parents. Put
them in good company. Every child is a different human; a big part of it is
nature. So never compare your child with another. You'll see some babies with
egos, some are kind-hearted, some are stubborn, some are selfish, some are
violent.

The good manuals are probably those with instructions, and not so much those
with psychology. It's a bit like diets in that sense (both the good and bad).
Good luck and congratulations!

~~~
boredatworkme
This is good reply. Can you shed some light on what apart from coddling can
help a baby sleep? Is there a way to try and make the baby pick up that skill,
like you've mentioned here?

> In the early stages, you should also be aware that sleeping is a skill. Many
> babies don't learn it properly. Many kids fall asleep because of coddling
> and such, and can't figure out how sleep without that routine.

~~~
sterlinm
Every kid is different so YMMV. In my experience (N=2) the biggest factors
were:

* Full bellies (more milk!) * Dark rooms (blackout curtains) * white noise * Consistent routine (more relevant after 6-9 months)

For us the general idea was that we wanted to be able to put them down in the
crib awake so they could learn to fall asleep on their own rather than always
nursing/holding them until they feel asleep and then trying to put them down.
I cannot stress enough that every kid (and parent) is different so your
mileage may vary.

[https://www.preciouslittlesleep.com/what-you-need-to-know-
ab...](https://www.preciouslittlesleep.com/what-you-need-to-know-about-
sleeping-through-the-night-part-i/)

------
tmaly
I don't think there is a manual, but here are some tips I can think of off the
top of my head.

Read Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French
Parenting. The chapter on sleep cycles is important.

Child proof your place now, you won't have time later.

Do not let the child sleep in your bed.

Always keep a pack of the next size up diapers on hand.

Kids cloths seem to run small. They also outgrow stuff super fast. Don't buy
too much of one size.

Cribs all have to meet safety standards, so don't overspend.

You are only going to have time for one hobby if you are lucky, so make that
choice now which one it will be.

Read to your child as much as you can.

~~~
croo
Why not let the child sleep in your bed?

~~~
tmaly
Once they check in, they will never leave. You want them to learn to be
independent to sleep on their own in their own bed.

------
sterlinm
Emily Oster's books and recently her newsletter. They're not for everyone but
they are definitely for the type of person who asks for parenting advice on
Hacker News :P

She's a professor of economics and her main shtick is that she evaluates the
academic literature behind a lot of the big decisions facing new parents
during pregnancy and early childhood. Personally the parts I found most useful
are areas where people have extremely strong opinions about what parents
should do while in reality the data is too weak to justify any strong views.

Her first book, Expecting Better, is mostly about pregnancy. Her second book,
Cribsheet, is about early childhood (through pre-K).

She also started doing a newsletter recently that I've been enjoying.
[https://emilyoster.substack.com/](https://emilyoster.substack.com/)

------
alexandrerond
Yes, there are manuals, but I think approaching a baby like you approach a
toaster is the worst approach you can make.

Sure you will have to Google shit like how many bananas are ok for a toddler
daily, and talk to nurses, doctors, other parents but don't treat your baby
like the equivalent of your new company's kubernetes cluster (a horrible
engineering problem to figure out).

See, all babies are different. This will be your baby and guess what, the baby
is the manual, so read it. In the meantime relax and enjoy your current life
one last time.

~~~
Gibbon1
My parents. You have a kid. You figure out quickly that a lot of advice
doesn't apply. Figure the kid out. Have another kid. The stuff you learned
with the first doesn't apply.

------
austincheney
The best manual is a proper set of expectations... readjust your reality
accordingly:

* Plan on getting about 4 hours of sleep per night at first. Sleep where you can find it and avoid stimulants.

* Your female delivery counterpart (I don't know your relationship status) will suddenly realize this is her new life: locked between a child, obligations, and without a swimsuit model body. Depression and self-doubt will follow. You have to be a team player even without sufficient sleep.

* Infants require a lot of time constantly and are tiring. Think of this as having a full time job that pays money with great reassurance and respect. Then you come home to another job that costs money, is extremely tiring, and is filled with risk.

* Getting refridgerated breast milk the right temperature at feeding time is far more time consuming and challenging than you could possibly imagine.

* Your 2 door sports car is now a hinderence. Trade it in for anything with 4 doors and excellent suspension.

* Your 1 bedroom apartment won't work. If you already have a child your two bedroom apartment is a struggle.

* If you are an extrovert your days of late night social activies and parties are over. First of all you will be too tired for any of that nonsense. Secondly, it becomes such a low priority its simply not worth the effort.

* Prepare to enjoy life as a secluded homebody. Going out to movies and fancy dinners is a nightmare.

* Hopefully you have been saving money. Everything in life just become more expensive, except car insurance.

* Get a cat. Cat fur greatly contributes to dust and all the problems that with that which is great for strengthening the immune response of small children.

* Family will give you gifts. Figuring out where to put all that stuff can be a real challenge.

\---

There are a lot of benefits too:

* Children are great for self-reflecting upon your time management and money management skills.

* Children are a solid performance gauge of whether you are a narcissist or are humble.

* Having children completely recenters your perception of the world in a way you cannot understand otherwise.

------
stakkur
Father here. Mom and I agree on two things:

1\. Avoid the 'What to Expect' series at all costs. It's popular, but it's
utter bullshit. We can name a half dozen parent friends who threw theirs away
too.

2\. Read Penelope Leach's Your Baby and Child.

But these are just guides; there is no manual. Unlike technology, no two
children are alike. You'll only get the hang of it through firsthand
experience.

And: 'baby' is a mere blip on the developmental path--that brief stage of a
few months is the 'easy', honeymoon part. Trust me: by the time you've gotten
the hang of 'baby', they'll be a toddler. When you've learned to handle a
toddler--they turn four and ohmygod. You don't have a 'baby'\--you have an
ever-changing, ever-developing human.

~~~
apohn
>Avoid the 'What to Expect' series at all costs. It's popular, but it's utter
bullshit.

I don't really agree with this for the first book. The main issue with the 0 -
12 month book is that it tries to cover a very wide range of things, many of
which will not apply to your child. So you have to read it and just find what
is useful for you. For example, we never knew that lots of babies get terrible
gas in the 3rd(?) month and that's completely normal.

There's so much "normal" stuff that seems like something is seriously wrong
(e.g. gas, witching hours) with your child. Reading about it just helps to
know you're not failing as a parent.

I'd agree that the other books are not that useful.

------
dragonwriter
There is a lot of, mostly unreliable, third-party documentation, but _Caring
for Your Baby and Young Child, Birth to Age 5_ for the American Academy of
Pediatrics has seemed to be a pretty good value.

[https://shop.aap.org/caring-for-your-baby-and-young-child-
pa...](https://shop.aap.org/caring-for-your-baby-and-young-child-paperback/)

Beyond that:

You and your co-parent need to watch out for your own and each other’s
physical and mental health. It’s easy to lose track of.

Talk to your baby, as much as possible.

Everything will change when you least expect it. Be flexible.

------
apohn
One book I wish I had known about was "Precious Little Sleep" by Alexis
Dubief. You don't have to follow everything, but having some guide to your
babies sleep needs and will be helpful.

Honestly, forget the manual. Get help with either taking care of the baby or
with household stuff. Get family to come, pay somebody, whatever. If you
aren't comfortable with paid help to take care of the baby, pay somebody to
clean and cook. Having healthy home meals ready is going to save you a lot of
misery.

Babies are actually pretty easy from a task perspective. Sleep, eat, poop,
diaper changes, playtime, tummytime, etc. What takes the toll is how many
times you have to do this stuff combined with sleep deprivation.

Get help and emotional support. That will do much more for you, your
relationship with your partner, and your ability to be a parent than any
manual can do.

Also a note on pediatricians. A lot of pediatricians are fairly easy going in
that if the baby has no major symptoms (e.g. no fever, no vomiting) is gaining
weight, there is nothing to worry about. This is actually a good way to look
at things, but it's definitely hard not get frustrated with this easy-going
approach when you have this little person in your arms and you're totally
overwhelmed.

~~~
sterlinm
I second the recommendation for Precious Little Sleep. I bought and would
recommend the book, but you can also get a lot of what you need from these
blog post but the author.

[https://www.preciouslittlesleep.com/what-you-need-to-know-
ab...](https://www.preciouslittlesleep.com/what-you-need-to-know-about-
sleeping-through-the-night-part-i/)

That was enough for a while and I believe I didn't actually buy the book for
at least several months. Then I bought it at 2am during a particularly rough
sleep regression. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

My main caveat for sleep advice is that you need to take it all with a grain
of salt because whether any particular strategy will work depends on the
parents and kids temperaments, along with a variety of other factors. YMMV and
don't let anybody else's success story make you feel bad. They're probably
leaving out the worst parts, possibly because their brains have literally
blocked out the memories of them.

------
duxup
Not a lot more at can be said in here, but I'll just mention the most common
mistake I find folks make about babies and sleep. Other folks have touched on
it but I want to reiterate this.

Good sleep, makes for more good sleep when it comes to babies. If a baby
sleeps well at night, they'll often go down for a nap really well.

Bad sleep, makes for less sleep and a cranky baby. If a baby goes to bed late,
they'll often have trouble falling asleep / aren't likely to 'sleep in.'

You and I if we stay up late at night we can sleep in and recover that time.
Babies generally do not work that way. Once they get behind on sleep they'll
wake up bright and early the next day or even shockingly wake up in the middle
of the night even though they're tired. ... won't be able to go back to sleep.

Skipping naps or staying up late are terrible ideas, the baby won't likely
sleep later when you need them to.

Find a routine, that might involve singing, a bath, etc all before bed / nap
time and stick with it.

Now having said that, that isn't a recipe for a great sleeping baby (that's
more luck than anything IMO) but it will generally make things easier.

------
chrismatheson
Personally I found (observing the difference between my own experience and
some of my friends) that ignorance can be bliss.

I didn't read the books, and muddled my way through. Sure there were some
things I learnt slower (like the benefit of routine) but overall I had a lot
less anxiety about milestones or stages or all that stuff. Stormy days??! yeah
ok whatever.

My main advise (for the first year at least) would be to listen to all advise,
then throw out pretty much any "plan" and live 100% in response mode. Respond
to what's going on hour to hour, don't get hung up about sleeping in the
middle of the day or having breakfast at 4am, just do what feels right at that
moment.

Also, when your friends ask what they can get for the baby etc ... HelloFresh,
Deliveroo, or come round to my house and do the laundry while I sleep. You
will not be short of baby clothes, but you will be short of energy to do some
basics stuff.

------
amerkhalid
Here are a few books that I found useful:

* What to Expect the First Year - It was pretty logical and scientific but don't think everything in it has references.

* Behave: The Biology of Humans at Our Best and Worst - Not really a book about babies but I got interested in human behaviour and this book helped me understand a lot of things that babies and adults do.

* The Happiest Toddler on the Block - Again I thought it was very scientific, good ideas on discipline. I think it introduced idea of using emotions to communicate with toddlers instead of logic. I still find myself using logical arguments with my 2.5 years old, hard habit to break.

* Brain Rules for Baby - Really enjoyed it. All suggestions in it seems to be backed by research. The main idea in this book is that one should provide their kids a happy, relaxed home. Stress and anxiety at young age can stun kids' brain development.

------
snholli
@martingoodson - Congratulations. Imagine receiving an Ikea book shelf with
missing parts and an instruction manual in Swedish. That's basically what
parenting is. A very much "well shit, what do I do know" experience. You can't
truly be prepared for your baby until their arrival and trust me, you won't
need a manual or want one. Here's the good news - there's no one else better
fit in this world to know what to do for your baby than you - and your
partner.

There is, however - a manual for building your baby registry. I just launched
it. [https://poppylist.com](https://poppylist.com).

It's not what you're asking for, but I can at least help simplify one area for
you.

I'd wish you luck, but you won't need it.

My daughter just turned one in May - welcome to the best club on earth.

------
Jemaclus
Given that every human on this planet was once a baby, I've often thought that
it's kind of weird that we don't have more _data_ about raising a child. Like,
I know everyone's a unique snowflake blah blah blah, but we're not THAT
different. If we were, we wouldn't have shared hobbies or like the same
clothing or tolerate the same foods. Looking at babies, for instance. OK, your
baby is crying. There's a checklist (somewhere) of why the baby might be
crying. Maybe they're hungry, maybe they're tired, maybe they pooped their
diaper, maybe they're too hot or too cold or have something stuck up their
nose or don't like the smell of your cologne. But there's a finite list of
possibilities, and surely -- SURELY! -- there's enough data out there to give
you best practices for determining which of the things it is and what to do
when you find out. Like maybe if they're crying because they're hungry, you
just straight up feed them, or maybe science shows the best outcomes are when
you let them cry it out for 30 minutes and THEN feed them.

I don't know. I'm not a baby scientist.

Long story short, there are potentially billions and billions of data points
out there, and surely some sort of meta-analysis could surface some best
practices for how to raise a child. It can't just be "reinvent the wheel"
every generation. That's just bonkers to me.

Given all the other scientific advances we've made in the last few centuries,
I sort of wonder why nobody has an IKEA-style guide to raising a child.

I say this all a bit tongue-in-cheek, since I'm not a parent, but as a person
of science and a fan of data-driven decisions... The way Americans like me
raise a child is basically "figure it out for yourself with a few anecdotes
from your family and friends and maybe you read a bunch of books full of
conflicting advice and don't worry at least if you're trying you're ahead of
most people" just strikes me as... well... not very scientific or data-driven!

Anyway. Congratulations! I wish you the best of luck, and who knows?! Maybe
you'll be the one to write The Book!

------
auslegung
Fortunately yes. Unfortunately, it's a cultural memory that the Modern West
has lost because 1) we don't live in multi-generational homes and 2) we don't
live in (truly) close community with other families throughout our lives

~~~
dyingkneepad
While I understand your point, I would like to point that scientific research
has found out the best methods for a lot of things regarding raising babies.
Advice from our elders (what you seems to refer as 'cultural memory') is often
wrong. What worked for them may not be the best thing to do, they had n=1,
science has n=millions. There is a huge problem that scientific findings
regarding raising babies does not get transferred well enough (if at all) to
the population.

~~~
auslegung
I’m talking about cultural memory and community on large scales, where
generation after generation is devoted to the thriving of its community and
the people in it. I think the best way I can explain it is to recommend
Wendell Berry‘s essay The Work of Local Culture. I’m not saying modern science
has nothing to say, but I do believe that as insightful and beneficial as it
is in this context, local community and culture would be even more-so.

------
TheGrumpyBrit
Hayne's manuals are always a traditional go-to: [https://haynes.com/en-
gb/baby-manual-3rd-edition](https://haynes.com/en-gb/baby-manual-3rd-edition)

------
tweezy
I found this book to be extremely helpful. [https://www.amazon.com/Moms-Call-
Basic-Baby-Months/dp/098541...](https://www.amazon.com/Moms-Call-Basic-Baby-
Months/dp/0985411422)

There's a section on typical days that really helped us orient our days. We
also found that by following this schedule our baby started sleeping from 9:00
pm - 5:00 am at around 7 weeks. And by 12 weeks the baby was sleeping from
7:30 - 6:30. Other friends have seen similar sleep patterns.

------
speedgoose
Fist, congratulations. You should enjoy your last good sleeps before the
birth.

I got one baby manual as a gift : [https://www.amazon.fr/Baby-Owners-Manual-
Instructions-Troubl...](https://www.amazon.fr/Baby-Owners-Manual-Instructions-
Trouble-Shooting/dp/B00BR9WV8C/)

It has some funny moments but it's only the basics. I don't think there is
anything wrong with it, but your country may do things a bit differently.

------
mdparker89
There are some books out there that cover the very little that we do know
(I've read a bunch of them) but the big takeaway is that we don't know a lot.
The reason is that you can't create great studies with babies.

The good news is that you don't need to "fix" or "maintain" a baby. They need
their basic needs met, they need to feel safe and they need love. Do that for
a year and then you get a toddler.

------
sloaken
Congratulations! Short answer ... kids do not want stuff nearly as much as
they want to spend TIME with you.

The 'what to expect ... ' series is great techie style. Plain spoken. Explains
limits on both sides...

They have one for before the baby.

And another for the first few years. Common problem, my child is age x months
but has not started walking / talking.

Great for the calming the nerves

------
spiderking
I was impressed with the books given out by our government (Alberta, Canada)
[https://www.healthyparentshealthychildren.ca/resources/print...](https://www.healthyparentshealthychildren.ca/resources/printables)
Some of it is region specific, but still lots of useful info.

------
idoh
That would be awesome but unfortunately there is no generally accepted
standard. Approaches vary widely.

When I was expecting my first child, I reviewed all the parents I knew of, and
picked the family that I thought was doing the best job, then interviewed them
and wrote down notes and that became the plan.

------
sunstone
If it's crying it's not happy. Your job is to figure out what that is and fix
it.

My four month old wanted me to hold her up at the door to the kitchen so she
could watch mom cook dinner. She cried and cried and cried until I figured
that out. Then she was silent. Good luck.

------
thorin
Babies - owners manual

[https://www.amazon.co.uk/Babies-Haynes-Explains-Owners-
Works...](https://www.amazon.co.uk/Babies-Haynes-Explains-Owners-
Workshop/dp/1785211021)

------
boredatworkme
May I recommend: Be Prepared - A Practical Handbook for New Dads by Gary
Greenberg and Jeannie Hayden.

I've been casually reading this and it seems pretty good and covers a variety
of topics.

------
dyingkneepad
I try to follow a lot of "attachment parenting" theory. Read material on that.

I also did co-sleeping, which means I actually was able to sleep, but doctors
in my country seem to be all against it since that's the current common
practice. Read all of [https://cosleeping.nd.edu/](https://cosleeping.nd.edu/)
.

My wife also read a lot on breastfeeding. There's a lot of science behind 'how
to successfully breastfeed' and there's a huge chance all the advice your
elders are going to give you is completely wrong. Read what modern science has
to tell you about breastfeeding, ignore grandmas as much as possible! This
stuff should be taught in schools.

The tl;dr of my manual would be like something:

\- be in contact with the baby (preferably in mom's or dad's hands) as much as
possible

\- when they cry, give the breast first, ask questions later

Edit: learn that modern society's expectations that both parents work _really_
sucks when there's a baby in the way. Mom going back to work when baby is 4-6m
is not good for the baby. If you can financially afford to not to it, you
should. If you can have one of the grandmas do the babysitting is alleviates
the problem a little.

------
mapster
the best advice that will have the most effect, is not doing it alone.

------
duabutt
Nice

------
wkearney99
This was a fun read. We still joke about "keeping the unit fed/clean", and
he's twelve now.

[https://www.amazon.com/Baby-Owners-Manual-Instructions-
Troub...](https://www.amazon.com/Baby-Owners-Manual-Instructions-Trouble-
Shooting/dp/1594745978)

Is it the best? No, but it's not just a joke either. Lots of simple things,
covered in a lighthearted 'like a car manual' kind of way.

With a newborn, sleep is your challenge. We discovered my wife needs 8 hours,
but can be interrupted. I need 5 and CANNOT be interrupted. So I handled
things until 12:30am and then Mom took over until 6-ish.

And on that note, during the first few months, if one getting out of bed wakes
the other, consider the couch or a guest bed. You do not want to let notions
about marital sleeping together turn into being sleep-deprived and hostile
toward each other.

If breastfeeding doesn't 'take' right away, get on the phone and have a
lactation aid come help. Every kid/nipple situation is different. Trying to
figure it out on your own, while sleep deprived (see above) is maddeningly
difficult. Hire a guide to get it sorted.

Bear in mind, some kids are slow feeders, so that 4-hour feeding interval
might be closer to 3 hours.

As the kid gets older I found it's best to not ask the open-ended "what do you
want to do?" Because that leads to tears when the impossible can't happen.
Rather have 3-4 plans YOU want to see happen and present it like THEY get to
choose. You help them learn agency without setting the situation up for
failure.

And it's not until they're about 2.5 years old that they won't accidentally
kill themselves. It's up to you to make sure they don't walk into traffic/off
ledges, eat/drink something bad, pull furniture/stove pots over on themselves,
etc. But at about 2.5 they start to realize they've got some skin in the game
and start exercising a little care. I emphasize START, you're still on duty to
keep an eye on them.

I was fortunate to be able to handle being Dad at home. It was fascinating
witnessing the bias. As in, when we were out and about, people (often women)
assuming that it was just a single "Day out with Dad"... oh no, dearie,
EVERYDAY was Dad day. And during kiddie gym/exercise/music classes it wasn't
until they realized I clearly knew more about strollers/diapers/formula than
they did that mothers started to come around.

Pro-tip, babies don't understand words. They do understand emotions. It seems
obvious, but yelling at them or telling them not to do something in a drawn-
out sentences is as useless as yelling at the goldfish.

Help them, guide them, let them see you as someone they can trust and that
loves them. Don't set them up to see you as angry/stressed/disinterested.

~~~
stevekemp
I remember the bias; in my case I was never sure whether it was because I was
the only father at the local playgrounds, or whether it was because I was the
only foreigner there.

But I will say that while children don't understand words (so much at the
start) they really do pick up on tone of voice, and emotion. Sometimes there's
an instinct urge to shout "Nooooo!!!! Stop!!! Don't do that!!" when a
baby/toddler starts doing something dangerous. It'll happen when you least
expect it - don't beat yourself up, and try to remember to speak calmly and
clearly.

