
Why Friends Matter at Work and in Life - AndrewWarner
http://blogs.hbr.org/bregman/2010/07/why-friends-matter-at-work-and.html
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mcantor
I strive to be a good friend, though of course time management means that I
can't devote the same amount of energy to every acquaintance.

A lot of programmer-types aren't very sociable (as the stereotype goes), and I
often hear a lot of us lament, "I never know what to say!"

It's funny that people with social awkwardness say that, because "knowing what
to say" is actually only a secondary tool for me. People generally find me
easy to talk to, and I enjoy meeting and talking with every kind of person. I
have found that the most important skill for making friends is not knowing
what to say, but knowing when to listen (hint: often).

It has to do not only with your conversational style, but also your demeanor.
Be a little romantic about it. If you have an "open heart," as the Dalai Lama
describes it, people will feel comfortable talking to you honestly. And if you
subsequently listen to what they are saying, you will build a connection with
them, even if it is fleeting or tenuous. It can last for as long as it takes
to look a barista in the eye and say "Thank you, have a nice day," or it can
last for a lifetime.

In my experience, it's always worth it.

After listening, the next most important skill to hone for being sociable is
releasing fears of being judged. If you never say anything, no one will ever
laugh at you for being wrong, but you will have two problems: You won't make
any friends, and you'll never find out if you're wrong!

Sometimes I feel like "fear of being wrong" is an insidiously common reason
for having fewer friends. The more people who you talk meaningfully with on a
regular basis, the more likely it is that someone will disagree with you. Our
culture seems to train us to avoid this, because being wrong is seen as...
well, wrong! So maybe some people avoid socializing because they're afraid
people will reject their ideas, or their personality, or even their very soul!
But, I try to seek out people who disagree with me, because they are more
likely to offer new perspectives that make me think and improve my ideas, even
if their arguments come from a different foundation.

As for social fearfulness, it should be eked away at whenever possible. Even
though my coworkers, friends, acquaintances and loved ones widely regard me as
a "friendly guy," I still get nervous sometimes, especially at parties where I
don't know many people. In these situations, I have had the best results by
staying vigilant, and forcing myself to engage other people in small ways
until I feel more comfortable: Smiling, saying hello, asking "How are you" and
listening carefully to their response. Sometimes I won't feel more comfortable
all night, and that's okay. It's a constant process--there is no "socially
adept" Shangri-Lah where you'll never feel embarrassed again.

~~~
wallflower
> In these situations, I have had the best results by staying vigilant, and
> forcing myself to engage other people in small ways until I feel more
> comfortable

Assuming the neighborhood is safe, if you want a kick-ass warmup say hi with a
smile to 50 people. The first thirty or forty or so (e.g. why am I trying)
will suck but once you hit the social warmup zone people will start smiling
back and responding and you will be ready to mingle.

> As for social fearfulness, it should be eked away at whenever possible.

I have friends who are natural at meeting anyone, anywhere. Unfortunately it
all comes down to how committed you are to meeting someone. The difference
between hovering vs. a weakish handshake vs dragging a chair across half the
floor rather loudly to sit with a bunch of people who you'd like to meet.

~~~
mcantor
It's amazing how much your demeanor matters. You can't just go through the
motions when it comes to socializing--if your heart isn't in it, it comes
through in every single microgesture, and people see through your perfunctory
patterns instantly. They won't even know they're doing it; they just won't
respond positively to you, and it'll be a lost cause.

------
minouye
My grandfather used to often say, "there are no strangers in this life, only
friends you haven't met." When he passed away, I was truly amazed at how many
people he had met and befriended. It served as a wake-up call to me--for my
generation the difference between "friending" someone and "befriending"
someone is so great, and I am afraid I don't focus nearly as much on the
latter.

As an aside on the article, Chuck Klosterman has a very humorous analysis of
the "I'm not here to make friend's" meme in 'Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs'
([http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Drugs-Cocoa-Puffs-
Manifesto/dp/074...](http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Drugs-Cocoa-Puffs-
Manifesto/dp/0743236017))

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kadavy
There are two types of ambitious people:

1\. Those who suck up to those who can help them out (superiors), even if they
have nothing in common with them.

2\. Those who work and collaborate with their friends. No matter how much less
it pays than the alternatives.

Its my belief that the former have more financial success earlier, but aren't
as happy as the latter, who have little financial success early on, but also
wind up more financially successful than the former camp.

When you stick with your cronies, you are happier and more successful.

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scotch_drinker
I think more importantly than not getting fired or finding a job, working with
people you actually like makes work seem a lot better. I currently have a job
at a small company and the Venn diagram of my interests and others on the dev
team may not have any intersection at all. This makes work pretty boring.

Working with friends probably means not only that you can socialize well
together but that you are working on something that you all enjoy or at least
all bitch about together. That's the real benefit of having friends at work.

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kevinelliott
I find that a lot of people these days are super judgmental about others...
How much influence does he have? Who are his friends? Is he a slob or is he
financially valuable? For some I'm sure this is an intimidating factor in why
they shy away from meeting new people and growing their social network.

Personally, I try to avoid judgement as much as I possibly can (it's harder to
do than you think, we all do it to some degree) and see the person and their
potential for what can be, and not necessarily for what they are currently
branding themselves. I help whenever I can, but more often than not they don't
need the help (or really probably just don't want it) ... Ultimately,
relationships are valuable to me, not just to have someone to drink a beer
with, or to make a deal with, but to relate to and share in the experiences of
the human condition. And there are a lot of people out there who want to do
the same!

But people who are genuine, sincere, and have a lust for life and other
people, are a real rare breed these days. When you meet them, hang on to them
with force, because they're the ones who make life really worth living for!

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Maven911
Ok so I take issue with the examples given in this article, I find that they
are pretty weak such as those with more friends in high school will make more
money, my own experiences have shown me different, Of course this is as long
as you are not a complete misanthrope, in which case it would be hard to get
pased the interview stage

~~~
scapula
Obviously there is a limit. Someone with 50 closest friends at high school
probably won't get much work done and is unlikely to earn twice that of
normal. Also someone with great grades and few friends cannot be compared with
someone with many friends and bad grades.

But the doctor who had one friend at high school is probably going to be
earning less than the doctor who had 5 friends. The larger number of friends
demonstrates a greater comfort functioning in a group, as well as the ability
to maintain several relationships at once.

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pramit
How to be remarkable #43: Build Great Relationships
[http://bighow.com/news/how-to-be-remarkable-43-build-
great-r...](http://bighow.com/news/how-to-be-remarkable-43-build-great-
relationships)

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diN0bot
maybe people who are happier don't spend as much time thinking about their own
condition as unhappy people, and are thus more free to think about others'
conditions. or maybe people who are happier in general take more pleasure in
giving to others than people who are unhappy in general, and thus they
continue to do so.

there are numerous causation possibilities.

(that said, at the end of the day, being happy is a win for everyone.)

------
known
a friend in need is a friend indeed.

~~~
rue
A friend with weed is better.

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c00p3r
Because we're evolved (hard-wired) social animals. ^_^

