

A refresher course in empathy - mh_
http://37signals.com/svn/posts/3567-a-refresher-course-in-empathy

======
Udo
Empathy goes both ways. That customer clearly had none, and furthermore didn't
believe the support person when they repeatedly tried to explain things to
her. We tend to see things like, say, boxers on their website and we instantly
feel a connection to a person where none may be warranted. To unilaterally
make that connection with an abusive person is a recipe for unhappiness and
disappointment.

I feel reminded about my startup time, we had customers like this. "The
website you built doesn't work." \- "Why, what's wrong?" \- "I don't know, but
I can't get on the internet today. This is your fault. I want my money back."
\- "Sir, if your internet is down, that's nothing we can help you with. Also,
I thought things were going pretty good with our project." \- "If you can't
help me, you're clearly incompetent. I'm going to sue you. You broke my
emails, too." And so on.

A few times we actually sent someone over there to help with (in this example)
their faulty DSL connection. This never solves anything. There won't be any
gratitude, and the customer will be reinforced in thinking it's your fault. In
essence they're being rewarded for abusiveness and unwillingness to think,
too. From now on, every time his connection breaks it will be your fault. And
you can't bill that time either. Furthermore, while you're sending someone
over on the basis of goodwill and empathy, that guy will badmouth you all over
town.

Of course, people have bad days, and there can be mitigating factors. But if
someone is clearly not listening to a single word you say and is incapable of
understanding facts, it's time to let that customer go. I can't say this
emphatically enough: it's not worth it. Identifying personally with that
person will only make you suffer even more - you have to keep in mind that
_they 're_ certainly not making 1% of the effort you're expending on their
problem.

~~~
hobs
There is no thumbs up big enough for this. My first thought after reading the
article was "what kind of lapdog are you trying to be, stand up for yourself
woman!" I immediately felt bad about that because she is trying to be an
empathetic person, but how can you empathize with this? Someone tries to help
you, you are an jerk to them. Would you keep helping your parents being an
absolute jerk, or would you tell them to knock it off, then help them?

I occasionally work with customers nowadays (but spent years in customer
service) and I cant help but think this is a person who is going to be worn
out by hordes of inconsiderate jerks because they are empathizing too hard.

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amix
I remember reading "Hire the Right Customers"1), which kind of goes against
this notion to try to please everyone. Some customers are just the wrong
customers and not worth collecting.

1)
[http://gettingreal.37signals.com/ch04_Hire_the_Right_Custome...](http://gettingreal.37signals.com/ch04_Hire_the_Right_Customers.php)

------
krmmalik
I ran an outsourced IT helpdesk company for many years, as well as online
products. We used to get clients like this all the time. Here's how my staff
were trained to handle this situation - the support staff would have asked the
lady the name of her site, and the background story. Then patiently gotten to
the bottom of the issue. After that would then either submit a support ticket
on her behalf, or would call the company and put her in touch with them.

Clients like this are very costly, especially if your business model isn't
equipped to deal well with this, but all that said, empathy is about feeling
what the other person feels. She clearly wanted a fix, so go fix it.

~~~
hobs
But you were billing someone for it, right? They don't really get to do that
in this situation. (if you were)

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tomjen3
What possible worth would we get from being empathetic with people who can't
even understand the difference between ours and somebodyelse website? They are
unlikely to become customers, and each support incident cost the company
money.

Yeah I am sure there is an emotional reason for it, but I am asking for a cold
hearted logic reason.

~~~
bryans
A good, logical reason to be empathetic in all situations would be to help
yourself. If you needlessly act negative toward another person, you will be
more inclined to be negative about similar situations in the future. You are
essentially training yourself to be negative which, I can assure you, bleeds
into the rest of your life.

It's important to recognize that even if you don't see value in being
empathetic toward a particularly difficult individual, under different
circumstances you are someone else's difficult individual. The paraphrased
idiom "treat others as you want to be treated" has existed for thousands of
years, for a lot of good reasons.

~~~
GhotiFish
That first argument is unlikely to convince someone coming from a cold hard
logic standpoint. Coming from a cold hard logic standpoint, that person is
going to act in their best interest/companies best interest in all cases (or
so the theory goes). I understand where you're coming from, but "Be nice to
everyone to train yourself to be nice" isn't the optimal path from the
companies perspective.

Though you're second argument is effective in a global community kind of
context.

~~~
bryans
I agree that it is likely not a logical reason from the perspective of a
company. I was simply providing a logical reason, in general.

Though, an argument could also be made that being a nicer person is definitely
a quality that most organizations would applaud, especially in a customer
service position.

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mlwarren
For a customer that just doesn't get it, I don't see why the dishwasher/vacuum
cleaner analogy is bad as long as it's delivered nicely.

~~~
bcoates
I doubt the customer failed to understand that the customer support rep
thought that the issue wasn't their fault; the customer was getting angry
because they thought the rep was wrong.

Analogies don't convince and are often seen as condescending or evasive: "I
asked for help, and I get word games"

~~~
mlwarren
Ahh, see, I was under the impression that the customer was failing to
understand. If they think the rep is wrong then that's a whole other problem.
If that's the case then you're right, it does come off as condescending.

I'm not sure of the best way to convince a customer (who is wrong) that is
questioning the rep's expertise. Provide more data and explain differently, I
guess.

------
xb95
Amusingly, this post made a lot more sense when I remembered that boxers are a
type of dog.

That said, it's a great post and something that is all too easy to forget when
you work with people, who often get angry at you when things aren't going
their way. It's really kind of unfortunate, too; most companies have trained
people that anger really is the best way to get something. If you yell, you
might get a manager, and eventually the company just wants to placate you so
that you go away. Now, people just reach for anger...

------
overgard
I have a lot of empathy for people that just don't know what's going on -- so
I wouldn't make fun of them for the initial mistake; but when someone politely
explains something simple to you /twice/ and you're still being a jerk about
it, I don't think those people deserve any empathy at all. The customer isn't
always right. Sometimes the customer is just an idiot. Kudos to her for her
positive attitude, but I don't think the customer deserved her kindness.

------
davidw
Speaking of customer support... I'd love to read some good information about
how to successfully set it up in a somewhat organized fashion. Tricks, tips,
do's and don'ts... as well as some advice on trying to make the proper
tradeoffs.

Anyone got good books or other resources they can recommend?

~~~
lesterbuck
A while ago, I listened to a Mixergy interview with the founder of HelpScout.
They have a content marketing strategy, and produce a lot of quality free
content on customer service issues.

[https://www.helpscout.net/resources/](https://www.helpscout.net/resources/)

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ambiate
Today you, tomorrow me.

Just to add content: hardware, software, programming, protocols, networks,
chips, cords, formats, and onward. We are in a profession that creates a
certain amount of ego once we have overcome an obstacle. There is an endless
amount of information with an endless growth rate regarding technology. We are
all ignorant -- it is just to what degree and which niche! I still remember 15
years ago and having my feelings hurt on a daily basis on EFnet. It hardened
me, but I also learned how to dish out tolerance.

~~~
gcr
> Today you, tomorrow me.

For context, ambiate is likely referring to
[http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/elal2/have_you_ev...](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/elal2/have_you_ever_picked_up_a_hitchhiker/c18z0z2)

------
rancor
When I saw this was on the 37signals blog, I reflexively expected a post by
DHH, and now my funny bone is disappointed.

Snark aside, any trick you can use to place the humanity of the other person
you're interacting with in the forefront is going to help you avoid snapping
at them, which is generally a good thing. The world can always use a little
less hostility.

------
mathattack
Empathy to that level gets expensive! You have to really feel it to do it.

------
gexla
TLDR

Even if it's not your issue, you now own the problem. The customer has
contacted you guys on this issue before and wasn't given a good enough answer.
Now the customer is contacting you guys again in hopes of a better answer. If
you don't give a good answer, then the customer may continue contacting you
guys. You aren't saving time by brushing the customer off.

You could have saved the day by looking up the information in the first place
and relaying that to the customer. If and email isn't doing the trick, then
place a phone call.

\----

I used to do tech support for Microsoft Windows and we gave our best effort to
give the customer information to fix dang near anything on their computer.
Most people who called in were in our area of support, but sometimes we would
get people calling in about other products. People saw us as their last line
of support, their only lifeline when nobody else could help them.

I think we were effective in this role because more than any other support
desk, we had a great big picture view. A support rep for Intuit might know
Quickbooks well, but might know nothing about the rest of the system which
Quickbooks sits on. So, in some cases they might say "It's a Windows problem"
and pawn the issue on us.

I think just talking to people over the phone really helps as well. When you
have someone who is so obviously tech challenged, then it's sometimes just
that much more difficult when dealing with yet another tech abstraction over
basic communication.

So, customer calls in with something we don't support. In a friendly
conversation we would explain that big picture view and tell the customer
exactly what they need to know when contacting Quickbooks again. Sometimes the
issue was so simple we could just Google the answer. Sure, it's wasting
valuable support time, but in the end it could have saved time because the
customer wouldn't continue to be bounced back and forth.

------
tieTYT
This seems like a story without an ending. A customer did something, she
reacted and regretted it. Sure she's saying she should be more empathetic in
the future but based off of what? The customer didn't reply after she made the
"mistake".

How does she know it would have made any difference? Maybe it wouldn't. Maybe
things would have turned out worse. I don't see any evidence of a lesson.

The article she linked to is much more useful IMO:
[http://37signals.com/svn/posts/3566-found-in-
translation](http://37signals.com/svn/posts/3566-found-in-translation) It
explains a technique and why it's worth doing.

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hoodoof
Goodness, the irony of 37 signals lecturing others about empathy.

[http://www.codinghorror.com/blog/2008/02/douchebaggery.html](http://www.codinghorror.com/blog/2008/02/douchebaggery.html)

and from the above article:

[http://codinghorror.typepad.com/.a/6a0120a85dcdae970b0120a86...](http://codinghorror.typepad.com/.a/6a0120a85dcdae970b0120a86db600970b-pi)

------
nedwin
Great post. Shared it with our support team and everyone appreciated it so
thank you!

Proud to say one of the guys came back with this: "she should have just
written her the first time: here write [to] these guys instead" :)

------
Sealy
I recently started to take an empathetic approach to answering customer
queries. I noticed their responses changed significantly from angry to
accepting.

I remember reading a post on these pages that explained Apple's sales and
support methods... to empathize with the customer. One message I got from
giving customer feedback was that instead of saying 'No, that is not the
problem' when a customer complains, I start by saying 'I understand how
frustrating that could be'.

That tone is enough to put the most angered customer at ease. With that
approach, I rarely ever require a second response.

------
drewcoo
I kept wondering why they didn't just contact the other company's support
_for_ the customer and make sure she was in contact with them. That's the kind
of service customers rave about.

------
Ovid
SVN is in that URL: [http://37signals.com/svn/posts/3567-a-refresher-course-
in-em...](http://37signals.com/svn/posts/3567-a-refresher-course-in-empathy)

Does 37signals still use SVN and uses it to host their content directly?

~~~
eitland
I think it is an abbreviation for signals versus noise (s/n) which used to be
the title of their blog.

~~~
alexjeffrey
it's still called signal vs. noise, but they use the name as heavily any more.
From the page header:

You’re reading Signal vs. Noise, a publication about the web by 37signals
since 1999.

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zallarak
This is a wonderful article - too often we get caught up in our bubble of
expertise -- most people don't understand basic software/internet
architecture. As the Woz said, it's our job as tech workers to make things as
intuitive as possible.

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nicknorena
"From now on, in my mind: Every time there’s a challenging case, the customer
owns at least two boxers."

A great lesson in how to make empathy something that you know is useful and
something that you practice.

------
tudorconstantin
Lesson learned: don't hire gingers as tech support

