
Benefits of talking to strangers - bauc
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-48459940
======
codyb
I’m in San Francisco for work and yesterday an elderly man made a comment
about the heat outside of a Walgreens.

I didn’t really have much to do, and I really enjoy walking around San
Francisco with it’s beautiful light pastel palette, rolling hills, and masonry
so we walked and walked for about 3 hours.

I was a bit tired by the end, and his story was a bit sad at times but when we
finally departed I’d learned a tremendous about one man’s life, his struggles
and his triumphs.

I finished my night off at a little sushi joint where, unprompted, I
recommended a piece of sashimi to the couple next to me I’d never had that I
really enjoyed from my platter. They turned out to be engineers from Square
and Amazon who hailed from Seattle and we talked about tech and the world and
had a few good laughs. Maybe they’ll see this.

Then I wandered back to my hotel where I saw James, and Alexis who I’d met and
had become pleasantly intertwined enough with that they’d invited me out with
them after their shifts the night prior.

Finally on the elevator up to my room I briefly chatted with Ruiz, a banker in
town for work.

I can’t recommend talking to strangers enough. Sometimes they prompt you,
sometimes you prompt them, but it’s a beautiful world out there filled with
billions of stories, and they all add just a little spice to life.

~~~
mitchell_h
I'm the guy that if you're in the line at walmart with me, I'm going to start
talking to you. I've met some down right interesting folks this way. I also
travel for work a lot. Talking to people in the hotel lobby is one of my
favorite hobbies. I've met CEOs, truck drivers and people on vacation, all of
them really interesting folks.

Everyone has a story or a piece of advice to give you. Just ask.

~~~
crabl
How do you generally start your checkout line conversations?

~~~
GoToRO
By not forcing it I guess. You just start thinking aloud. If it's hot, you say
it's hot. If you dropped something you say somenthing about that.

------
_Microft
First, as always you get better by practicing. Second, you don't need to be
witty or spontaneous at all. You can think of a nice thing beforehand ( * )
and just use it when there is an opportunity. You can also make sure that the
possible downside is low by e.g. talking when it is clear that you don't have
to spend half an hour sitting next to another in, then, awkward silence. Some
sort of reason for initiating a conversation also helps, in my opinion, so
that talking about something doesn't come as much as a surprise (e.g. talking
about some thing in view or an event that just happened).

Simple example: "Your groceries look a lot healthier than mine" in the queue
at the super market started nice conversations for me.

It was clear that we'd just have stand next to each other for two minutes if
the other didn't want to engage in conversation. It was a sort of compliment
(you are shopping better things that I do) and it had a at least some sort of
reason (there are real goods on the conveyor belt and they differ in
healthiness).

Oh and _really_ : limiting the risk by choosing temporary situations really
helps to avoid the fear of having to spend time in awkward silence if the
attempt at chatting fails.

( * ) Just anything can work here: "And I wondered whether I should bring an
umbrella today" to someone actually having one; "Looks interesting" to your
neighbour at a street performance; ...

~~~
alphagrep12345
As an Indian in the US, I do not understand what is acceptable, and what is
not.

Eg: An elderly woman was sharing Uber pool with me. She was complaining to
someone over the phone about how Uber's new app does not have an option. I
knew that the option was present, just that they moved it to a different page
in the app. Should I communicate this to her after her phone call? What if she
thinks I'm listening to her private conversation? I finally didn't tell her
anything.

~~~
m463
> As an Indian in the US, I do not understand what is acceptable, and what is
> not.

Maybe just ask her.

I remember a conversation I had with an Indian coworker - he asked me, "Why do
Americans get so upset when I honk my car horn at them in traffic?"

That led to an interesting conversation.

------
HSJuniper
This has been the largest personal growth I've experienced in my lifetime and
it has been a direct result of living a city that is walkable.

Before moving to San Francisco I hated talking to strangers and I would rarely
engage in more than a few words with anyone on the street or in stores. Now I
find myself cherishing small moments of conversation that occur in Ubers, on
the MUNI, at communal tables in restaurants and in random interactions on the
street, even with the homeless who I try my best to not ignore and treat like
real people.

I can't believe the difference it has made in my mood, my feelings about this
city and my general mood. Like so many things in life it's hard to know what
exactly caused the shift in my behavior but it's brought me an incredible
amount of happiness and deepened my appreciation of where I live.

~~~
reifiedgent
I'm not sure it's the fact that it's walkable. London is very walkable but
unless it's the last train home on a Thu/Fri/Sat night and everyone is very
'merry' then talking to strangers just does not go down well.

I'm relatively new to SF but find the random interactions here beneficial in
much the same way with regards to personal growth, and they seem to happen all
the time. In the UK it felt like you can't talk to strangers - here it feels
like you can't _not_ talk to strangers.

So not sure if it's SF, California, or Americans in general, but it's
refreshing for someone who is usually quite introverted.

~~~
vidarh
I'm very much introvert and talking to strangers does not come easily to me,
but at times I've experimented with engaging strangers in conversations,
largely because while I don't feel a need to constantly talk to people I
wanted to get over my hangups about it, and I largely have. I still mostly
don't talk to strangers because I find it exhausting and it doesn't interest
me that much.

But when I do, in London, I've never once had a negative experience.

On the contrary, as soon as people here realise you're not trying to sell them
something, or get anything from them, they tend to fall over themselves to be
nice, and I've had people start pouring out their life story after just a
simple 'how are you today?' to a shop assistant I'd only seen once or twice
ever, because I actually waited for an answer.

I think a lot of people in London go around so starved for any kind of contact
that as long as you're not acting totally creepy most people will be very open
to it.

The hard thing with London is that you need to actually actively push past an
_expectation_ of not talking to people.

I actually find California more frustrating because while it's easy to get
into a conversation, it's impossible for me to tell what is just pleasantries
from when people are actually invested in a conversation.

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ucosty
I find the only strangers who ever try to talk to me in public are the ones
who want something. This means I'm always suspicious of people who approach
me, and have an aversion to being seen as the same.

~~~
drenvuk
Your worries about being seen as the same are silly, people can usually tell
whether you want something from them a few sentences in and after that a
pleasant conversation is usually in progress. It's worth it to strike up
conversations with randoms. On the elevator one time I had a fun talk with an
optical engineer about detecting methane leakages with lasers and whether it
had applications in space.

How often do you get to enjoy that?

------
snrji
I do it all the time... on Twitter and Reddit.

In real life I would never even look at eyes of a stranger.

Probably some people here can relate.

~~~
stackola
I can. But I don't think that should be the default state, nor is it healthy.

I'm really trying to do better in this regard, but it's proving difficult to
improve at.

------
jdblair
The biggest thing I miss at my current job is interaction with people I don't
work with. When I commuted from Oakland to San Francisco I would talk to
people on BART, at restaurants when I went out for lunch, and sometimes just
made conversation with people on the street.

Now I work at a large company in the south bay. Lunch is provided and I ride
my bike to work. There is basically zero chance to interact with anyone
outside my workplace unless I make it happen deliberately.

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jamesmp98
I'll believe it, the problem is I'm rarely in a situation where I'm near
people and have the time to chat. The only times I've talked to strangers,
have been, for example, when a crosswalk signal is taking an unusually long
time to change. I'm normally at work or at home, and when I'm out, it's
normally to quickly grab something to return to one of the two.

Also it's so much easier to strike up a conversation with one stranger rather
than a group (which is what I usually encounter going out leisurely. Oddly I
found the opposite with established friends / acquaintances. I can talk and
converse with a group of my now friends much better than a single friend

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failrate
Many people feel invisible and ignored. Just listening to someone can be
therapeutic for them.

------
harlanji
I used to do this. Now I don’t because my online reputation is messed up, so
as soon as they inevitably Google me they’ll see a terrible first page of
search results. Looking for a way to free myself of this, aside from changing
my uncommon name and 20 years of career history. I agree it’s all in my head
and I shouldn’t let it dominate me, but I have largely given up still.
Tangent, but this is the evil of a permanent record; even school kids know to
fear it.

~~~
istorical
I just googled you and found nothing negative about you at a cursory glance at
your first page of google results, unless I searched the wrong terms. I mean I
found a little civil dispute about noise complaint (assuming that's you) but I
can't see how anybody would care about that.

I think you're overthinking the importance/impact of this to other people
because you're falling prey to whatever the fallacy is called where one tends
to expect people to care more about themself/pay closer to attention to one's
self than they actually would. Like when you have a pimple if you normally
have clear skin and you don't want to go outside because of it even though
most people would hardly notice.

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viburnum
This is only welcome if you’re an attractive person. I used to do this all the
time and thought I was pretty good at it but really people were just humoring
me.

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ptah
maybe that is only the case in chicago. I would find it immensely irritating
if some stranger tried talking to me beyond "hello"

~~~
jsutton
Well, the whole point of the article is that most people feel the same way you
do, until it actually happens.

~~~
ptah
it has happened to me and it was most annoying as i used to use that time to
read or watch coursera videos

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arvinsim
Wish that this is true everywhere. Unfortunately, talking to strangers is very
uncommon to some cultures.

~~~
wackro
Where are you that it would be that much of a problem, if you don't mind me
asking?

Cultural normals are one thing, but on a personal level people do tend to
enjoy interacting with one another.

~~~
zucked
I'm from the US but I've spent a deal of time outside the US, primarily in
Eastern Europe. In my experience, it is extremely uncommon to strike up
conversations with strangers in Eastern European countries.

My wife, having spent a great deal of time in Eastern Europe as well,
described it best to me - Americans are extremely good at having a surface-
level chat with just about anyone. However, it is neigh impossible for people
to get beyond the surface-level friendship. Deep, true, and lasting
friendships are hard to come by. Eastern Europeans, conversely are extremely
distant and cold at the onset, but with a little persistence, you break
through that cold exterior and become almost family.

I could not hide my American-ness abroad and I often was the recipient of
stares and mouths agape, but I love chatting with strangers. Everyone has a
story to tell and many of those stories are downright fascinating and
humanizing.

~~~
new2628
I would say striking up conversations is possible in EE and US (and everywhere
else?) to about the same extent, but just like language, social norms,
attitudes, social clues can subtly differ in various places, and a strategy
that works in one place may not work in the other, as you say the American
style may come across in some societies as a bit aggressive.

source: someone who spent 1/3 of their life in EE and 1/3 in US.

------
ch
You ever sit there wanting to strike up a conversation with a random stranger,
and have no idea where to begin?

I think that has more to do with the observed self-imposed isolation than is
given credit in the article.

~~~
Veen
I have a friend who is excellent at this. He starts talking about whatever,
someone's clothes, how his day is going, the weather, anything vaguely
relevant to the situation.

People often look slightly uncomfortable at first, but they seem to quickly
get over it and start to chatter away enthusiastically. I find it fascinating
because I'm totally incapable of doing the same thing: usually I'll be
standing next to him squirming with embarrassment at the potential for an
awkward moment.

~~~
yomly
I've seen people "get away with murder" \- corny jokes, terrible cliches. The
term "sheer force of character" comes to mind - if you're confident enough in
yourself, you can usually lead social situations/protocols against the grain
as if you can establish that fundamentally you mean well most people will
eventually go with the flow.

YMMV though, the people I know who can do this were able to do this from very
young in age and I liken it to having a skill, except that it's hard to teach
and not many people explicitly value it as something to "learn" \- people
would rather assume it's something innate

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footballkicker
I'm currently building an app that enables this, but don't have a technical
background. Anyone have knowledge of BLE, GPS, iOS, and backend (including
aglo dev)?

If so, rogertk3@gmail.com

~~~
footballkicker
This is also a good summary of approaches people are taking to address this:

[https://www.sandiegouniontribune.com/business/technology/sd-...](https://www.sandiegouniontribune.com/business/technology/sd-
fi-social-friends-apps-20190107-story.html)

No one has succeeded.

------
diehunde
I've always wanted to be that person. It's some of those things easy to say
but very hard to do when you don't have the social skills.

~~~
vidarh
You don't need social skills for it. It's a good way to get them.

Here's a simple experiment to start with: make a point of every time you have
a 'captive audience' such as a bus driver or cashier:

1) look them in the eye (take your cash out in advance etc.). This instantly
sets you apart.

2) Say 'hi, how are you?' and smile, and actually pause for an answer.

You'll be surprised at the result. So many people in service jobs are so used
to being treated as objects that they'll often jump as chances to have real
human interactions and just a little eye contact and a pause that suggests you
actually care about an answer makes a huge difference.

I've had cashiers literally run over to open a lane when they saw me coming
after a couple of brief conversation, and people starting to tell me all kinds
of personal details.

You don't need to have social skills at all other than that initial question,
and trying to remember a detail or two and ask them about it another day.
Enough people will talk enough about themselves to get you started.

And the bonus is you can often tell it makes people cheer up.

I don't really get much out of social conversations with people, and it's a
big effort for me, but the things above are simple enough, and big enough
impact to be worthwhile.

