
All My Life I’ve Been Told I Was Special. It Was A Lie. - mtoddh
http://kotaku.com/5972316/all-my-life-ive-been-told-i-was-special-it-was-a-lie
======
edw519
_I grew up in a house where abundant praise was given for completion of the
most mundane of tasks. Failures were justified and assigned an appropriate
cause that absolved me of any wrongdoing._

Exactly the opposite of my experience. My father never praised us. Ever. My
mother rarely did. We were routinely punished for anything less than
perfection: homework, grades, even washing the dishes (Do them again! Not
clean enough!)

And yet they must have been doing something else so subtly that none of us
ever noticed. Everything about the way they treated us led each of us to
believe that we could accomplish anything, as long as we worked hard enough
and didn't expect anything given to us. We were special but not entitled.

I sometimes felt angry about how we were treated until one day I realized that
they made a great parental sacrifice, exchanging their own popularity for our
potential.

There both gone now and I think about them every day. Even more so after posts
like this one. Thank you, OP.

~~~
dos1
> I sometimes felt angry about how we were treated until one day I realized
> that they made a great parental sacrifice, exchanging their own popularity
> for our potential.

This is the best line I've read in a comment here in some time. I had this
same epiphany once I went to college. My father and I had never really gotten
along. I had tremendous respect for him (and a mild bit of fear), but I never
really "liked" him. He preached personal responsibility and hard work. Over
and over.

When I was in karate as a 10 year old, we would work in the basement for hours
every night. Perfecting every move, learning all the forms. He would sit there
and critique. I hated it. I won a lot of trophies in competitions as a child,
but I never cared. There was no praise for winning. I hated the constant
practice, the drilling, the ceaseless work. As I got older I realized the
message he instilled. If you want to excel at something, _this_ is what it
takes. _This_ is the amount of effort required to be competitive. And you do
things because _you_ want to be good at them, not because someone will praise
you for it.

Every day of my life I'm glad he taught me that lesson. I get so tired of
self-entitled whiners like the author of this article. It's not fair of
course, the author never had a parent that taught them what hard work and
success really looks like. The real shame is that he's probably more the rule
than the exception these days.

~~~
esbwhat
There is a middle ground to this. Always praise effort, never skill. They did
studies on this, if you praise children for their talent, they will do worse
than if you praise them for their effort. Effort is in their control, talent
is not. This doesn't mean you need your children to hate you/be super strict.

~~~
davidp
If you said "results" instead of "effort" it would ring even more true. In the
real world effort doesn't matter as much as results. "Trying your best" is
just a means to the end of getting maximum results, and doesn't in itself earn
much reward.

If someone tries their best but still raises a rotten child because they're
just not good at parenting, do they deserve as much praise as someone who
raised the same child to be a great man or woman?

~~~
nostrademons
You don't want to praise for results because results are often out of your
control. If you grow up thinking that results are all that matter and then
your first startup fails because market conditions change, what does that tell
you? That it was all worthless? You end up becoming incapable of dealing with
randomness, and hence shy away from situations where the results may not be
entirely under your control.

Results should be looked at as a feedback mechanism to give you a reality
check on your effort. If you gave it your all and still failed - what could
you have done differently? Were you directing your effort at the things that
are most important? Was it a goal worth doing in the first place? Could you
have adjusted your actions to get a bigger payoff for your effort?

(And the parenting example is a good one. IMHO someone who does their best at
raising a child with random genetic disorders like sociopathy, schizophrenia,
or Down's Syndrome absolutely deserves as much praise as someone who raises a
bright genetically-endowed child to be a great man or woman.)

~~~
philh
> (And the parenting example is a good one. IMHO someone who does their best
> at raising a child with random genetic disorders like sociopathy,
> schizophrenia, or Down's Syndrome absolutely deserves as much praise as
> someone who raises a bright genetically-endowed child to be a great man or
> woman.)

That's not the question he asked. You're comparing parents who face different
challenges. The question was about parents who face the same challenges, and
both sets of parents put a lot of effort in, but one set is good at parenting
and the other set is bad at parenting.

~~~
nostrademons
Like perhaps one set of parents consist of an orphan and someone who grew up
in a household with mentally-ill parents, while the other set come from
comfortable intact middle-class nuclear families? And the first set just don't
know _how_ to parent because they had shitty or no role-models growing up?

I would still respect the first set of parents. They did the best they could
with what they had to work with. It's a sad situation though...in a perfect
world effort would equal results, but the world ain't perfect.

------
jdietrich
The author of the piece still doesn't get it. He blames other people for his
belief that nothing is his fault, oblivious to the irony of that logic. His
twitter bio starts with the words "Trying to figure myself out". He looks
inside himself and sees nothing; His reaction to that void is to just keep
looking.

He wants more than anything in the world to be a game journalist, or a story
writer, or an animator, or a game designer, or whatever, which is fine if
you're a freshman, but seriously fucked up if you're several years out of
college. He hasn't realised that you don't need anyone's permission to write
games reviews or make short films or put together a little indie game, you
just fucking do it. He is sufficiently preoccupied with the question of
identity that he fails to understand that "doing x" precedes "being x".

He uses the world "passion" more than anyone who understands the meaning of
that word. Put bluntly, he's a pathological narcissist. I feel desperately
sorry for the guy, but not as much as I feel sorry for the people who live
with him.

~~~
vacri
It's a curious trait amongst what seems to be a lot of gen-Ys. The inability
to see the forest for the trees. I remember an online debate with one gen-Yer
(I'm an Xer) who I've shared a forum with for years and hence know she's not
stupid. The debate was on which gen of the last three had it harder growing
up. After I outlined the things the boomers started with and were
fundamentally involved in changing (like various forms of civil right
movements, the sexual revolution and so forth), the responses I got were
things like 'we can't have peanut butter in schools' - intended as an argument
as to why it's harder to grow up Y.

She couldn't see beyond the trials she had personally had, couldn't empathise
with a world she didn't grow up in. The boomers had become this boogeyman that
weren't a generation that figured it out as they go (like all generations),
but this vague conspiracy to intentionally screw over later generations. I
think my favourite part was "We were promised a light at the end of the tunnel
and didn't get it unless we worked hard". Well... no generation before was
even promised that. You just got 'work hard, deal with it'. There was never an
'it gets better'.

------
jballanc
I used to think, like the author, that the "everyone gets a trophy" epidemic
in America was a major problem. Lately, I've come to realize that this is but
half of the problem. The other half is America's growing culture of Celebrity
Worship. You see it all over: in the way America's youth treats Facebook and
Twitter, in the exponential growth of "reality" shows and "talent"
competitions, in the rise of celebrities who are "famous for being famous".

With the way that America treats celebrity, not just as something to be
desired but something to be _expected_ , it's hard to blame parents for having
that "everyone gets a trophy" mentality. The reality is that someone needs to
sweep the floors. Someone needs to build the buildings, dig the ditches, and
work the assembly line. The fact that America seems to have forgotten how to
do those jobs and still maintain a sense of accomplishment, a sense of self-
worth, is directly reflected by the employment crisis the country currently
finds itself in. When everyone is trying to be a celebrity, you end up with a
country full of celebrities and drop-outs, of highly-paid, highly-skilled
workers, and McDonalds' cashiers.

~~~
javert
You treat "America" as some culturally monolithic thing, when it's not.

Basically, I always considered the whole "celebrity worship" thing to be for
more "lower class" people, and I think there's some truth there.

~~~
evincarofautumn
‘You treat “America” as some culturally monolithic thing, when it’s not.’

I second this. The United States alone are basically a loose collection of
countries held together by the dollar and a certain amount of federal
guidance. I use the term “countries” in the broader sense of “land”; they
don’t necessarily correspond to state boundaries. And this is to say nothing
of the rest of America.

------
PaperclipTaken
I used to struggle with the same thing. Always being told that I was special.
Graduating at the top 2% of my high school, slated for MIT, "you'll go far
kid."

But here I am, feeling normal and useless. I lead a moderate sized club at
RPI, but I don't even feel accomplished for it. I haven't seen any of the job
offers that I felt were promised to me when I enrolled at the school, I
haven't gotten any major internships.

As a kid I used to hit the video games pretty hard, but at some point I
started to realize how fake the achievements felt. I literally can't stomach
playing video games anymore. It feels like taking some sort of numbing drug. I
have good memories, and I don't even regret most of the weekends I devoted
entirely to video games (and the costs associated).

But I feel ill equipped for criticism. Not only am I ill equipped to hear
criticism, but my peers are ill equipped to give criticism. Did my speech go
well? What could I improve? Even when I can tell that my peers did not like
what they saw, it's hard to figure out why, I don't think that some of them
even know how to criticize someone within their own mind.

I worked a job last summer teaching kids. I still visit from time to time, and
the trend of positive reinforcement and lack of criticism seems to be gaining
momentum in our youth. My boss would not let me criticize my own students. And
this worries me. What happens when everybody hits the real world, ill equipped
for the failure that most adults will tell you happens regularly?

And what can we do to address the issue without swinging the pendulum in the
exact opposite direction, to the fabled 'tiger' parenting that seems to carry
it's own hefty share of negative consequences?

~~~
MordinSolus
> But here I am, feeling normal and useless. I lead a moderate sized club at
> RPI, but I don't even feel accomplished for it. I haven't seen any of the
> job offers that I felt were promised to me when I enrolled at the school, I
> haven't gotten any major internships.

I struggled with this as well. A big turning point for me was dropping
entirely the notion of being entitled to anything. In reality, no one owes me
anything just because I think I'm smart or because I think I work hard.

On the feeling unaccomplished part, maybe try reading a book like
[http://www.amazon.com/Mastery-Keys-Success-Long-Term-
Fulfill...](http://www.amazon.com/Mastery-Keys-Success-Long-Term-
Fulfillment/dp/0452267560). It's sort of a "the goal is the journey" book with
some practical advice thrown in.

> As a kid I used to hit the video games pretty hard, but at some point I
> started to realize how fake the achievements felt. I literally can't stomach
> playing video games anymore. It feels like taking some sort of numbing drug.
> I have good memories, and I don't even regret most of the weekends I devoted
> entirely to video games (and the costs associated).

Me too! It sucks sometimes because I _want_ to enjoy playing a game but don't.
I've found that I can't play games, like Skyrim, that are just time-based
grinds. Instead, I play games for the nostalgia, the story, for creativity
elements, or for the competition/skill factor. Sometimes even then I feel
uneasy playing games because I feel like I should be doing something more
productive.. that's a tough feeling to get over.

> I worked a job last summer teaching kids. I still visit from time to time,
> and the trend of positive reinforcement and lack of criticism seems to be
> gaining momentum in our youth. My boss would not let me criticize my own
> students.

I don't think these things are mutually exclusive. You can certainly criticize
and be positive (or at least not negative) about it.

~~~
jasey
I'm the same.

I have a hard time enjoying myself playing games now also.

Could be doing other more productive things and at the end of they day no one
cares what you archive in a game.

------
zimbatm
Relatedly, praise hard work, not intelligence.

<http://www.parentingscience.com/praise-and-intelligence.html>

[https://www.stanford.edu/dept/psychology/cgi-
bin/drupalm/sys...](https://www.stanford.edu/dept/psychology/cgi-
bin/drupalm/system/files/Intelligence%20Praise%20Can%20Undermine%20Motivation%20and%20Performance.pdf)

------
evdawg
I think this is another case of "Failures were justified and assigned an
appropriate cause". In reality, the author didn't have the discipline to
balance work and entertainment. This sounds like tantamount lazyness to me;
who doesn't want to be having "fun" all the time instead of work or school?

I have difficulty putting it into words but this sounds like one big excuse
blaming society/parents/school for his failures rather than _himself_ , which
is where they lie.

~~~
PaperclipTaken
It's hard to expect him (looking at the child growing up, and the kid in
college less than the adult) to know how to balance work and entertainment
when he was never taught these things.

Discipline isn't something that you are born with, and if nobody is there to
teach it to you then you have to teach it to yourself. It sounds to me like
the author is beginning to learn his lessons, but that doesn't change the
failures of his childhood parents/mentors who clearly did not adequately
prepare him for college.

One of the reasons that I like college as an institution though is that it is
a 'safe' place for you to learn the gaps in your childhood education. It's
more or less a safe haven for you to finally be on your own but with still
lessened consequences.

When you always have a group of people supporting you (like your parents),
it's difficult to realize that you lack discipline, and it's difficult to
realize the full consequences of your laziness.

~~~
rmrfrmrf
I reject the notion that a child needs to have great parents in order to
recognize basic cause and effect.

In my opinion, we need to stop perpetuating this idea that children are some
kind of tabula rasa that must be filled with knowledge from their parents, as
if to say that children are incapable of figuring things out for themselves.
This thought process is what the excuse makers in life thrive on.

------
OldSchool
I believe this culture arose in 90's as a reaction to the 70's where in the
US, the education system mainstreamed almost everyone and praise was
nonexistent.

Today's 40-50 y/o so-called rocket scientist sat through exactly the same
coursework, at the same pace, as the lowest passable student. Some schools
even placed everyone in the same large room regardless of age.

To make things worse, grading was heavily weighted on rote assignments being
completed; boredom could turn a 99th percentile tester into a C student and
nothing was done.

Somehow though college admission was surprisingly objective. You could get
into a respected public engineering school with any GPA if your SAT score was
high enough.

The opposite is true now, where GPA is who you are "intellectually," and
"honors" courses that allow you to get a 5.0 on a 4.0 scale almost ensure that
the valedictorian will have more than a 4.0/4.0 GPA. Compliant, hard workers
can grow up thinking they're also PhD material.

There is some validation in real life for the old system however. "Success" in
real life is mostly just showing up consistently and having social skills to
keep your customers (or bosses) happy.

Like ideas, raw intellectual horsepower doesn't go far without execution.

~~~
rdl
Heh, I remember the "honors 5.0" thing being really hilarious in high school
-- it actually penalized people for taking an extra language class (for which
honors wasn't offered), so the valedictorian basically was the person who took
all honors (there were a fair number) and took the absolute minimum of
electives. I'm glad I dropped out :)

------
GuiA
We lived in the US for a couple years when I was in grade school. My parents
always laughed and mocked the stickers that my teacher would put on our
assignments: "Great Job!", "You're the best!", "#1". (almost 20 years later,
it is still a recurring joke in my family).

An English professor of mine in college loved to dissect differences between
the French and English language, and how they highlighted the differences in
how anglo-saxon cultures and French culture approach education.

French schools mark out of 20 (0 being worst, 20 being best); but no one ever
gets 20. In middle and high school, getting 17 or 18 is already stupendous; in
college, top students rarely ever go above 15, and some professors skew their
grading to rarely give out marks above 10 in order to toughen up students. On
the other hand, getting an A or a 100% in a US college class is not all that
hard. In French, we also often use the verb "to perfect" ("se parfaire") to
mean "improve"; for instance, "I'm taking classes to perfect my English". I
don't believe I've ever encountered that construction in English (if it is
grammatically correct, then it is infinitely rarer)

My professor's main point being that in French culture, perfection is
something we strive towards, but never achieve; whereas in anglo-saxon
culture, it is something fully within reach.

I was never a straight A student; in middle and high school, my grades would
rarely go above 14/20; in college, they were more around 12/20. I did finish
my undergrad in a British institution, where my marks immediately skyrocketed
and I graduated with the highest honors (ha). In grad school (US), I got a B
or two, but they always were from some tough foreign professors.

By contrast, I dated an American girl for a while who had always been a
straight A student in middle/high school (graduated valedictorian) and college
(graduated on the dean's roll etc. etc.). Her blaring success stopped right as
she graduated college though; she quickly fell in deep depression at that
point due to the stark contrast with what she experienced and the professional
world.

 _Addendum_ : Differences between the French (and European to some extent) and
American culture have fascinated me for the past few years, as I grew up in a
pluricultural environment in the later years, but very French in my early
years (and as I slowly become a functioning adult, understanding what shaped
my youth and education is interesting to me). To anyone interested in that
question, I recommend the book "Bringing Up Bébé" by Pamela Druckerman, which
is about a British/American couple discovering French parenting and
contrasting it with their own. It is pop-cultury and light on actual research,
but does contain interesting insights. Any recommendations on that same topic
are very welcome :)

~~~
hapless
Statistically, most students in American colleges achieve low marks, fail a
lot of classes, or drop out entirely. I suspect these students still encounter
daunting obstacles in the real world.

The difference between schooling and the real world is not the heapings of
praise, it is the lack of regimentation. In the white-collar workplace, there
is not often a cohort of twenty men completing the exact same carefully-
directed tasks as the recent graduate.

p.s. English "perfect" comes from Old French. Using it as a verb is valid but
rarely seen in today's English. To me, the sentence "I am in a class to
perfect my French" seems arrogant because it implies that my French is already
very good.

~~~
evincarofautumn
I agree with you about praise versus regimentation. My parents never really
praised _or_ chided me and my sister. If we did something wrong, they treated
it as a learning opportunity. If you washed the dishes badly, it was probably
because you just need to learn how to wash dishes better. If you hit somebody,
it was probably because you need to learn why hitting other kids isn’t
necessarily the best way to resolve an argument.

So in a way I was raised to believe that praise and encouragement for their
own sake are basically useless—real critique should give you a simple,
concrete handhold by which to improve yourself. We also had a lot of freedom
to make our own mistakes, though my parents were always there if we needed
them.

And that isn’t at all how school works. I wasn’t very “successful” in school,
because I was depressed by the dishonesty of getting good grades without any
real effort. All the way through college, I wanted challenges, but there
simply weren’t any to be had. So I had to find my own and motivate myself to
learn and improve, or else I would have killed myself.

So, sure, I got some bad grades, failed a couple of classes, and dropped out
of college. But it was just because I’m the kind of person who’s better off
working on real challenges. The “real world” didn’t break me down—it saved my
life.

------
guard-of-terra
That's because "education" as we know it is bullshit.

Instead of finding a talent and teaching you to do something useful it teaches
you to do nothing useful for ten years.

More so, it benchmarks your ability to do nothing useful and (in some systems)
tries to decide whether to let you to finally learn to do something useful or
not.

I suggest sidestep this and go straight into programming (writing, drawing,
whatevering). Call this Minimal Viable Education.

~~~
EvilLook
The problem is that most people today don't understand what an education is
supposed to accomplish.

The vast majority of Americans believe that an education should ultimately end
with a marketable skill, and as a result students are dissuaded from paths of
study that do not end with a directly marketable skill (art school, liberal
arts, music school). In a minimally viable education the pressure to not study
these things goes away however there is no incentive to produce a student with
marketable job skills. I think this is okay because school should have never
been about job training.

An education should prepare you for job training and job training should teach
you a marketable skill. This is not a new concept; guilds, apprenticeships,
and trade schools have existed for centuries. What is necessary is to de-
stigmatize these paths in the modern age and divorce the concept of education
from that of job training.

~~~
anonymous
The problem is too many people who think they know what "the problem" is.

But I do agree with you on the second and third paragraphs.

Like when somebody asks you "but what will I do with quadratic equations later
in life?". No, you semi-evolved simian, you don't need to solve quadratic
equations later in life, you need a brain that has jumped the hurdle of
learning quadratic equations later in life.

~~~
guard-of-terra
"you need a brain that has jumped the hurdle of learning" Thanks but no
thanks. I just don't feel that 16 years of doing useless things are a good
investment.

You can learn to do something useful and still develop your precious brain.
Learn to play an instrument! Write some code! Build something with your hands!
Learn to write.

Because guess what, around us there are a lot of people who can't write. Even
on hacker news people use "its" and "it's" interchangeably these days. If
we'll descend to the regular facebook users - they can't write, they can't
speak. They did however end their school with some grades, so they pretend to
having learned quadratic equations. And your "education" pretends they did.

Why is that? Did quadratic education help them? Did it? If so, why they can't
write and can't reason? Did it?

This is bullshit. You are here selling us a product that does not work.
Moreover, I guess you built some of your self-esteem on it working. Too bad.

~~~
tensor
You don't sound like you know enough to even know what you don't know. That's
really unfortunate.

~~~
guard-of-terra
i luv u 2

------
Delmania
One of a key tenants of the parenting style my wife and I use (positive
discipline) is that you encourage and do not praise. The difference is subtle,
but it focuses on the action and not the person. For example, when one of our
kids do well in school, we don't say "you're so smart!". Rather, we say "you
worked hard for that, good job! keep it up!". When a child fails, we say "I
understand you feel bad. What do you think you could have done better?"

~~~
helentoomik
tenant: occupant (of an apartment, for example)

tenet: principle, guideline

------
danenania
The problem with many Americans, and wealthy people more generally, is that
they're spoiled rotten to the extent that they are brainwashed into believing
that how much monopoly money they take home and how much respect a bunch of
other spoiled rotten people give them indicate success or failure in life.

Meanwhile people are starving and dying in wars all over the world. There's no
such thing as success or failure in a wealthy country. It's all meaningless.
There are just a bunch of people who are well taken care of and given an
addictive, stressful game to play so they don't rock the boat.

~~~
walshemj
there's no such thing as " failure in a wealthy country." sorry what planet
are you on - there are plenty of people who fall though the gaps in the USA
and the UK.

Unless you think the homeless guy I see sleeping behind the pret a manger in
holbourn is some kind of success story

------
tesmar2
> Except in video games. In video games greatness is inevitable.

The underlying assumption here is incorrect, that is, that greatness involves
saving the world in some epic way. I, however, see greatness in one who
sacrifices himself for another, no matter how small the task. From the stay-
at-home mom who spends most of her time caring for a small child to Captain
Kirk's father who sacrificed himself for the whole ship (newest ST movie),
there is greatness to be found in all of them, and one is not necessarily
greater than the other, for they both involve elevating the other's interests
above your own.

~~~
danso
Why is his assumption incorrect because you have a different worldview?

~~~
tesmar2
His assumption is that the only greatness worth achieving is in the video game
world, the kind where some hero goes off to save the world.

My assertion is that the best kind of greatness is the one where a man
sacrifices in some way for another, leading to the other's
betterment/rescue/etc.

So, in this sense, one could save the world very selfishly and that would be a
diminished greatness compared to a son who takes a leave of absence from work
to care for his dying father.

~~~
Androsynth
no, he is saying that video games give him the simple pleasure of watching
stats go up as he performs repetitive tasks. He derives pleasure from simple,
yet ultimately hollow achievements because that is the type of praise he was
raised on.

~~~
danso
Yes this is what I'm alluding to. No offense meant at the parent comment,
whose worldview I respect...I'm just saying that what you disagree with the OP
on is not a mistaken assumption, but a different frame of reference...

------
DanBC
A good, fee-paying, school for girls in the UK runs "failure week" to let
girls know that risk is good; failure will happen; and that you need to be
able to work through it.

(<http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-16879336>)

Praise effort and work, not just good outcomes, is something that has been
mentioned on HN a few times before. What I think would be good (although I
welcome correction from anyone with better knowledge of education) is letting
bright students help teach slower students. This isn't just for the less able
students. Teaching other people strengthens your own skills. You don't have
bright bored students causing trouble. You have a teacher more able to help
students that need it. Maybe it already happens? I dunno. I went to a school
that had pretty heavy streaming.

------
aneth4
This is how America ruins it's best children. I know the story so well, I only
had to read the title, though I did skim the article to be sure.

Children need to be given goals and challenged, not constantly told they are
good enough. Children need to be shown a path to improvement, not reassurance
on their accomplishments.

There's a reason Americans fascinated by movies about hard loving teachers who
are proud but never satisfied with their students, like in the Karate Kid or
Dead Poets' Society (dating myself there.) Unfortunately we can't bring
ourselves to actually challenge our children and sacrifice their short term
glee for long term fulfillment.

------
pixl97
While in jr. high and high school I helped my father with his business. I saw
all the same 'U R SPESHUL' crap dumped on kids and laughed it off. In the
working world you have to 'pass' or you may not have cash for dinner. Failures
are very common in the real world. You may not make the big sale you were
expecting. The company you work for may go out of business. All kinds of
things go wrong, raising your children to be resilient is more important then
shooting for success. This also means you have to allow your kids to suffer
the consequences of their failures too. You don't want them to get hurt, but
if you save them from themselves every time, you've taught them that
mommy/daddy will bail them out whenever they need it.

------
kiba
I look at most games as the evil.

They provide the illusion of power or change in your life, but nothing really
change outside of your game. Nothing improve other than your stats.

So instead of just playing game, I also make them. With making video games, I
learn all sort of thing applicable to programming and real life. The game I am
working on will enlighten players with a simulation of infantry combat.
(suppressive fire, maneuvering, covers, spacing, etc)

~~~
EvilLook
None of that is unique to games. Replace "games" with "books", "movies",
"opera", "stage plays", or "pop music" and you have the exact same argument.

~~~
philwelch
No, not at all. A game is an environment in which you actually do things and
generate some sort of result, however artificial. Everything you listed is
inherently passive--you just observe it happen in front of you, no action from
you is really necessary.

~~~
rmk2
At least for books, some people vehemently disagree with you:
<https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reader_response>

And for (well known and respected) people also extending above theory to art,
music, history and cinema:
<https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reader_response#Extensions>

~~~
philwelch
If you want to abstract and equivocate enough, you can say anything. I'm just
speaking plainly.

------
shubhamjain
Cant agree more! I have always hated video games but this game called Braid
caught my attention. Being highly addicted to this puzzler, i finished it in a
week and i remember what i felt. I felt like a genius, like i did which no one
could, but my brother, he finished before me. Video games can make you feel
like someone but as soon as you get beaten in your game, the dirty old feeling
will be back.

------
celiac
>I want to become the adult I believed I could be. I want video games to
become something that helps me change instead of giving me a place to hide

This is a growing and misguided sentiment. Being absorbed in and obsessed with
video games is the problem, not the content of the games! If you want to grow
up you need to collide with the real world. No game is going to become the
driver of adulthood. The answer here is to subtract games from your life and
go live in the world. Unfortunately there is an "art game" movement indulging
in delusions that the right kind of game can rise above the level of crass
entertainment and "nourish" the player. This is garbage. You can imbibe the
most clever and interest art in the world, but only living in the real world
can teach you about the real world. Even education is dangerously "gamified".
The difference there is that the world is rigged with many favors for educated
people, so you don't have much choice.

~~~
guard-of-terra
I'm normally opposed to using this concept on HN, but the real world _sucks_
when you're a teen. It's pointless, small, chances that you don't have access
to the good parts but there are quite a few bad parts to stumble upon.

I don't see why teen won't want to avoid real world. When you get out of
school into college, that's the time to emerge.

~~~
celiac
I'm not saying people shouldn't play games. I'm saying people with a gaming
problem should stop, not ask for the games to turn them into adults.

------
chill1
I posted this as a reply to the article itself, but I feel I should post it
here as well, in case it just gets buried there.

To me, the OP's post is clearly a cry for help, guidance, a "wtf do I do
next?"

Been there.. You know what you need to do? Treat life itself like a video
game. Win. Stop what you're doing right now. Think really hard about what
winning would be for YOU. Write that down on a piece of paper. Done? Good..
now figure out how to get there.

I, too, had a great affection, possibly obsession, with video games at a
similar point in my life. I had these grand ideas for video games that I'd
like to play, but didn't exist yet. So, I started figuring out what it would
take to make them. Now, roughly 6 years later, I'm not in game development,
but I am building complex web applications and doing a lot of very interesting
things. And, you know what? I'm happy.

You have the drive. Make happiness happen. Don't wait for it to come to you.

------
xdev
OK, I love the tide of unbridled machismo -- here's a little secret: No one is
special, but one of the precious gifts we get from our parents or guardians is
unconditional love. And given the harsh reality of our situation: that we live
in a world which is indifferent to our survival, that it will only briefly
remember any of our accomplishments, that we are more likely to go on forever
struggling with our own mediocrity, we are deserving of that love and it is
invaluable. It is something that (as far as we know), our species creates that
is unique. And if it chokes us a little bit and if it stunts our growth, then
that is acceptable bargain for the brief memories of peace and happiness that
it will create for us, which we can carry with us on our long journey to the
grave.

------
CKKim
I believe the problem is in the way we make "special", or "intelligent", or
any one of countless others, an actual part of a person's identity. I'd like
to get away from describing the individual and instead concentrate on their
specific achievements. It may not make us feel very good about ourselves, but
it's a great deal more precise, and it focuses on reality rather than cherry-
picked descriptors to encapsulate a "character".

Every time I read an 'about' section of a personal site and see something
along the lines of "I'm a blogger, a technology geek, a cyclist, a
photographer, and a serial dabbler" I wrinkle my nose a little because it
seems like they're writing the person they want to be, rather than focusing on
what they have to show for it.

------
gadders
Oh boohoo. I'm sorry he lost his Mum, but I think he needs to read this:

[http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-
yo...](http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-
person/)

EG: #3. You Hate Yourself Because You Don't Do Anything #2. What You Are
Inside Only Matters Because of What It Makes You Do

------
ChristianMarks
Where I grew up, no accomplishment was good enough. It took a while before the
amnesia of age set in, and I began to forget the pervasive pointlessness of
effort that I was supposed to have absorbed. But one lesson coming out of this
experience I did not forget. I was determined never to start a family. I
succeeded.

------
piqufoh
Take home story? For me it's don't tell people (children) they're special when
they're not. Love and cherish sure, praise hard work (as mentioned here)
definitely, but random "you're great!!" nope. Oh, and maybe work harder and
don't play computer games ;)

------
speeder
We live in a honorless world.

There can be no honor, when there is no shame.

We live in a world, where children are told that "E" stands for Effort.

~~~
darkchasma
Good. Honor is a social construct used to enforce control on the weak, and
shame those who choose not to conform.

------
lowglow
Favorite thing I like to remind myself day to day is:

Everyone is unique, nobody is special.

It really helps to put things in perspective.

------
ruswick
I think that his problem is that he has always sought external validation. He
wanted the world to affirm his greatness. This isn't likely to happen. The
occupational world is interested only in treating one as a fungible resource.
The world doesn't really care about many individuals, and they probably won't
make an effort to validate them unless they do something remarkable.

Instead of trying to asses his merit through artificial criteria or
measurements, he should strive for internal validation. He should find what
makes him feel good, and pursue it. This is distinct from what _brings him
pleasure._ Pursuing only pleasure had, in his case, turned out poorly.
Moreover, I think that strict hedonism isn't congruous with the human
condition: everyone needs aspirations and accomplishments.

On the education system: yeah, it's a mess. The chief problem is its
inefficiency. I recall statistic stating that 70% of knowledge learned in
school is lost throughout one's lifetime, and that only 3% is actively applied
in one's day-to-day life or occupation. I'm not sure about the veracity of
this, but I think that, regardless of the actual numbers, it's a fairly
intuitive conclusion that the education system is a travesty.

This is derived from the increasing specificity as one ascends our various
educational institutions. The foundational information: basic arithmetic,
introductory english skills, ect. are applicable to almost all careers and
lifestyles. Then, as science and history are thrown in and math becomes more
complex, the content begins to lose its applicability. Then, at the secondary
level, the information becomes so esoteric as to practically useless to
everyone. Calculus is used in an incredibly small number of occupations, and
could safely be relegated to the collegiate level. And yet, it is arguable the
centerpiece of the education system.

The same could be said about lab science.

English, on the other hand, is a pivotal educational domain that is pertinent
to one's success throughout school, but focuses on the wrong things. The
various structures and constructs of english are emphasized, while the
application is marginalized. If anything, the former belies the true nature of
language: to communicate effectively. And yet, so little actual communication
is done throughout schools as to be laughable. I recall never being given more
than 1-2 essays per semester throughout middle and early high school. It's
illogical to impress the specifics of the english language on students without
compelling them to use those specifics. This is why I love my current english
course: it focuses almost exclusively on argumentative analysis and writing.

The issue is not that these academic domains are unto themselves valueless or
that they should not be taught. On the contrary, I find most of my courses to
be incredibly edifying, and that even superfluous information has innate
value. However, the function of the education system is not to instill
knowledge for knowledge's sake, but to produce capable individuals prepared
for the real world.

~~~
Evbn
What's wrong with those numbers? 30% lifetime efficiency is not bad, it is
within an order of magnitude of perfect, and it doesn't iterate and get worse
for the wear. And not everything you learn needs to relate to employment.
There is also civic and social life.

~~~
ruswick
The function of the education system is not to promote one's social life, but
to aid in their career, so career applicability is the best measure. I'd also
wager that trade programs and apprenticeships yield a far higher retention
rate and are more pertinent to one's career.

------
ovatsug25
There is a difference between feeling "special" and being loved and I think
that most Americanized (mine are not American but are def Americanized) is
that they think they making us feel special equates to having us feel love.

This is not true.

You can have your cake and eat it too. You can demand effort and at the same
time make the other person feel loved at the same time. This does not mean
that they will always feel that way...or that you will be really good at doing
that from day one, but I am pretty certain that you can do it. It is very
expensive however, as in it will take a lot of time and effort.

My previous gf definitely felt loved by her parents and she was there in the
architecture until 5 am night after night working like a dog, striving for
perfection.

If she did not achieve, she would look forward to improving herself.

My parents on the other hand, specifically my dad, tried to tell us we were
the most handsome, smartest, funniest of the bunch. This was of course not
true, and even though I was the smartest for a long time throughout my
childhood, it came to bite me in the ass because I never learned anything that
didn't come easily to me (thankfully a whole bunch of things did come easily,
but still I missed out on so much more.)

My mom is not as Americanized, but she had this tendency to tell us that we
had to be the best, but didn't know how to communicate and tell us about all
the hard work and how it is imperative that you be the worst before you become
the best. You need to fail to get going.

1 year of Wellbutrin later, mediocre grades in high school and college, and
now in my introduction to the workforce it is still hard to overcome a lot of
the habits that this conditioning had on me.

I know I have to stick with it, I know I have to suck, I know I have to keep
going, but it is hard to do so no matter how aware of the problem I am.

Fortunately, I am pretty happy with my life right now, which used to not be
the case, and I am way more accepting of the fact that yes, I will suck. I'm a
little worried as to how I will feel a few years from now, but really I don't
care all that much. I no longer want to be a Zuckerberg, or a Steve Jobs,
rather I just want to be happy and make people feel loved while making enough
at the point where happiness becomes asymptotic.

I also want to be really good at something, but I think I've overcome my needs
to be the best, or more precisely, the most recognized. This is doable. My
work still sucks. It's going to be a lot of work to be excellent, but
fortunately, forgetting about the recognition is great.

I wish myself luck. I forgive myself for having been so stupid when I was
young. I forgive my parents for having been bad coaches and I try to correct
them when they still tell me I'm special and the best (which is becoming a lot
harder for them to do...haha). And that's it. The slate is clean! Let's get
moving!

------
drivebyacct2
I'm really disappointed to see someone addicted to video games and unable to
prioritize being used as this proselytizing platform in the comments here.

