
The Day I Started Lying to Ruth - danielpal
http://nymag.com/news/features/cancer-peter-bach-2014-5/
======
zwegner
It's pretty weird. My mom just died of cancer a little more than a week ago. I
thought it would be a bad idea to read this article, as it would just
pointlessly make me (more) depressed. Yet, at the end, I really just felt numb
to any emotion. There was just the same distinct sensation where nobody has
any idea what I feel like, even this guy who just lost his wife. The more I
think about it, the more it seems I don't really know what I'm feeling myself.

All the grief, anger, and beyond that, the feeling that any emotion I have is
absolutely useless. I search for an explanation, all the while my brain is
telling me that I'm stupid for even looking. What's the point of explaining
what I'm going through to anyone? What can they do?

I don't really know what my point is. I'd be tempted to just say "life sucks",
but I'd rather not be unreasonably pessimistic.

But then again, my mom just died.

Life. Fucking. Sucks.

~~~
SideburnsOfDoom
Depression doesn't feel like grief or anger. Depression is the emptiness, the
numbness of not feeling anything.

You don't "recover" from the loss of a loved one. You don't get back to where
you were before. You don't "get over" it, nor should you want to. Your life
has changed and there is a big hole in it. But you do adjust to it. You do
learn to cope with it and find a new way to live with it.

Sorry if that's not uplifting, but it's what I found.

~~~
jbrooksuk
> Depression doesn't feel like grief or anger. Depression is the emptiness,
> the numbness of not feeling anything.

Depression is different between people. I myself find I have a mix of
emotions.

------
byuu
Thanks to a curious Google search four days ago, I just found the obituary for
my father, who died after a long battle with cancer ... three years ago.
Didn't specify which kind.

I never really knew him: all added up, I spent maybe two or three weeks of
time with him. Almost all of which were from me calling him and asking if I
could visit. So many times he'd say he had plans or just not show up. I just
got tired of always reaching out to him, so I decided I'd leave it to him if
he wanted to reach out back. Haven't seen him or spoken to him in fifteen
years. Maybe I should have kept trying, but at some point you just take the
hint that you're not cared about.

I never thought I would be saddened by his eventual death, and indeed, no
tears were shed. But when I stop and think about it, there's this ... feeling
like your stomach is being dropped. You can logically consider the finality of
death, but it really is quite different when it's actually real. Just knowing
that now, you can never, ever change things.

He didn't die of a heart attack or in a car accident: he clearly knew he was
going to die for some time. As callous as that man was to me, I never thought
he'd be so selfish as to not reach out in his last days. If not for his sake,
then at least for mine, for a chance to say goodbye. Perhaps I can kid myself
and say he was too ashamed, but I know deep down that he just didn't care.

There was always this hope that one day he'd feel some inkling of regret and
we could reconcile, at least as much as one could with a father who wasn't
there. But now that he's dead, there's no longer any sliver of chance. He will
now always be a selfish man.

I find myself angry that I am angry about his passing. It makes me feel awful
that I can't even grieve at the loss of a parent like a normal human being
would.

But maybe this is better than the pain the author of this story went through:
watching someone you truly love deteriorate and pass right before your eyes.

~~~
digitalengineer
Perhaps the thought of trying to become a good/better dad when it's your turn
might help reduce the anger? I don't know you (or how old you are) but
thinking how you would bring up your kid (if that is what you'd like some day)
could help you right now. I had a talk once with a friend in the same
situation and he found _even just saving some money for his future kid_ made
him feel like he was already being a good father. Just a thought...

~~~
benjohnson
>Perhaps the thought of trying to become a good/better dad when it's your turn
might help reduce the anger?

This is very wise! My miserable childhood has been fully eclipsed by giving my
own children a content and dignified childhood.

I no longer care about my past - it's just a source of learning for me now.

------
tapp
"It is often argued that life-threatening illness imbues its victims with a
new vigor for life. I’ve always found this notion sort of idiotic..."

In recent years, I've spent a lot of time working with late stage cancer
patients as part of my job.

When I first started, several friends speculated that it might give me a
deeper appreciation for my own health, and "imbue me with a new vigor for
life"

Perversely, similar to the author, I've found the opposite to be true - it can
be difficult for me to shake the knowledge that this is a fate that most of us
will face (if not directly, on behalf of a loved one) if we're lucky enough
not to die of something else first.

I don't have any insight to share on what to do about it - I'm still wrestling
with the issue. Just wanted to say thank you for posting the story.

~~~
saraid216
> When I first started, several friends speculated that it might give me a
> deeper appreciation for my own health, and "imbue me with a new vigor for
> life"

Yeah, this is basically, "When you think stories actually reflect real life
accurately".

The deeper appreciation and vigor for life thing does happen. It's just sort
of over-represented because it does double duty as a pretty good plot device.

There's nothing wrong with you if it doesn't happen to you, just as there's
nothing particularly wrong with the hundreds of faceless medical staff busily
and competently doing their jobs at the hospital where the ER drama is taking
place.

~~~
eli_gottlieb
I dunno. I wonder if the whole "new vigor for life" thing isn't actually just
a personality trait coming out.

For instance, I think I'll probably respond that way when someone in my family
dies. However, I think that because I already know that when Memorial Day and
Holocaust Remembrance Day come around each year (and Memorial Day was two days
ago, so this is sort of fresh), I don't have any impulse to cry and mourn, but
instead to go find Nazis and/or terrorists and/or the Grim Reaper and beat the
crap out of them.

There might just be some of us who respond to death with an impulse to, well,
_fight it_.

EDIT: I'm referring to Israeli Memorial Day, which was in fact two days ago.

~~~
saraid216
> I wonder if the whole "new vigor for life" thing isn't actually just a
> personality trait coming out.

That would be a pretty sufficient explanation for me.

> There might just be some of us who respond to death with an impulse to,
> well, fight it.

There are a good number of such people, yeah.

------
neals
After reading an article or story like this, I always end up hating myself.

I'm a smart guy, like many of us here, and 10-some years ago I made the
decision that money was the most important thing to me. So now I, like many of
us here, run a company where we make large sums of money making people click
little ads, doing stupid stuff in little applications.

Where I could have been spending my smarts on something, anything, useful like
medical research.

More and more I feel like I should just sell it all, hire some young smart
kids and try again.

But I won't :(

~~~
bananas
I think this every day. I even bailed on a job to do a foundation degree in
medicine but finances and circumstances killed that dead.

However its probably better if someone takes a pile of money from society
through a business and dedicates all profit to research. Look at Gates for
example. If you are qualified in the subject you're likely to be a health
service or corporate drug peddler at best. If you can generate clear revenue
you can hire these people and focus on something.

~~~
sbirchall
I want to study the use of AI in determining genetic factors to disease and
the neuro-degenerative ailments that the worlds increasingly older populations
are facing "but finances and circumstances killed that dead".

It's really frustrating and demoralizing that education in particular is so
badly structured (in my experience). For instance: while I was getting kicked
off my Cog-Sci Masters course for owing £300 a colleague was receiving a fully
funded PhD position to study _Harry Potter Fan Fiction Porn_. That was a kick
in the teeth.

You just got to keep at it I guess, don't let the knocks stop you realising
your potential and refine your plans to the point where they are laser sharp.
I think it's this kind of attitude that separates entrepreneurs from the
crowd.

~~~
bananas
That just sucks. Based on your usage of £ I assume you are in the UK (I am
too).

Education here is a broken pile of crap. Politics and ridiculous rules and
structure galore.

For example: I did electrical engineering and nearly got kicked off my course
for daring to drop an email politely asking a user telnetted into the box I
was working on, to stop trying to brute force su to root on my Sun workstation
which was dumping logs onto the frame buffer console and screwing up my
Cadence session. They were trying to crack root and I complained and ended up
with a disciplinary for breaking the communication AUP.

The fucked up bit: The attacker actually complained that I'd caught him to his
tutor who kicked off the whole disciplinary process against me.

So I learned how political it is and yes you're right there were people
studying crap like that at PhD level in my department. Some guy was working on
electrically stimulated sex aids on my tuition fees...

~~~
sbirchall
Yeah that's my experience down to a T.

I once heard one of the top generals talking on the radio about the state of
the MoD and he was saying that the basic career path was to suck up a decade
or two of dirt before finding a desk job so obscure you can hide away for the
next three or four decades and earn a pretty pension. I've always found it
intriguing how well this seems to parallel academia.

Where are you based? Get in touch if you fancy chatting some time (email in
profile), I find it helps to vent spleen sometimes ;)

------
seiji
My dog died on Sunday of cancer: [https://matt.sh/kosh](https://matt.sh/kosh)

~~~
acak
Sorry, I don't know why you were down-voted. The loss of a loved one, no
matter who or what that is, is always difficult.

The article is very moving and I can't imagine how difficult it is to watch a
loved one go through such suffering.

And your story is a nice tribute to a faithful, loving being. It reminded me
of my own friends from a while ago in my life. It's good to know your dog was
loved. Good luck with the future.

------
maguay
And so I'm crying like a baby. That was beautifully, tragically well written.

Screw all the social media apps and the rest of the nonsense we're all working
on. We need to cure cancer, yesterday.

If only it were that easy...

~~~
judk
My mom has cancer. She loves to keep in touch on social media.

~~~
Theodores
Very, very good point.

A lady I knew only through playing a game (which is an app of sorts) put a lot
of effort into said game and became the lynchpin of the community. She passed
on due to the c-word that we don't speak of. We were collectively devastated,
some of my other online friends stopped playing for a week or two and things
were not the same afterwards. Her daughter had the good sense to log on to the
phone and tell us what had happened, we were kept from the truth until then.

I was deeply shocked by the turn of events, much like how, on the internet
'nobody knows you are a dog', nobody knows you are dying of c-word on some
hospital ward. But we didn't need to know that, in-game conversation was light
hearted banter, no special treatment, which was good. From that hospital ward
that lady had a good fifty to a hundred 'in game' friends all around the
world, we were there, outside of visiting hours, 24/7.

I think I was more shocked and with more grief layers to go through than I
have experienced when some of my relatives have passed on. You would wonder
how you could be so upset about losing someone that you only spent six months
of your life compulsively playing an online game with. But it can happen.

So, +1 to your original point. Games and apps or fancy shopping websites might
seem trivial when there are so many problems in the world, however, through
such things community can exist. People in those communities treat others as
normal, they stay on topic and people that are seriously ill really appreciate
it.

I am at a loss for meaningful kind words for your mom. 'I hope she gets...' \-
after that I am stuck. However, if she doesn't play online games, get her to
do so, and to make friends with a community of people that don't care about
how ill she is.

------
scobar
This was a great story, and I'm glad I was able to read it. My father, a hero
of mine and one of my best friends, passed away due to cancer at the end of
2012. My mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer the following spring. For
over 3 years, I've been accompanying them to weekly or bi-monthly visits to
the oncologist and for treatments.

Being the personal representative and power of attorney for advance directive
for each has put me in very similar situations, like this story shares, where
the doctor was blunt with me but my parent was semi-oblivious. Although there
is very little to be thankful about regarding cancer, the perspective I've
gained from my experience helps me to make better decisions in my life.

Making my little son laugh and generally enjoy himself is the best part of my
day. I make sure my wife knows how much I love and appreciate her. I may not
have prioritized those actions enough without the perspective I've gained.

Synthetic genomics seems to be a very promising approach to reaching a cure,
or at least more effective treatment. Hopefully we'll get there soon and
prevent as much suffering as possible.

~~~
danieltillett
I feel for you losing your parents together like this. I am glad that you were
able to gain something positive out of the experience.

------
chroma
Like most commenters, I found this story both tragic and mesmerizing. But
while much of the discussion has centered around cancer, I think this is a
specific instance of a more general problem. Whether it's heart disease at 50
or Alzheimer's at 90, almost all of us will experience the gradual failure of
our bodies and minds. With the exception of those killed by violence or
accident, we can look forward to decades of decline, followed by a
humiliating, terrifying, and excruciating end. The most debauched psychopath
would not dream of subjecting their victims to such an experience. It is no
wonder that most of us live as if such a time will never come.

But it will. Don't forget that. Just as one plans for retirement, so too
should one plan for death.

To get an idea of the ailments of old age, I recommend reading _Who by Very
Slow Decay_ [1]. The author is a resident physician.

[http://slatestarcodex.com/2013/07/17/who-by-very-slow-
decay/](http://slatestarcodex.com/2013/07/17/who-by-very-slow-decay/)

------
barlescabbage
That was so well written and so sad, I literally started crying at the end of
it. Goddamn, it's a reminder to live it up while we still have our health.

~~~
milesf
Or live a life worth living. Find out what the meaning of life is. It's not
nothing.

------
robbiep
I am a new doctor in my fourth week of a 3 month oncology term. My region
doesn't have a hospice so most of our patients are palliative, and the only
ones I interact with have all been given death sentences.

It terrified me for my first 2 weeks- being surrounded by patients with
metastatic cancer and you begin to see it in everyone, walking down the street
or doing the shopping, in the faces of everyone you meet. But now I have
become more accustomed to that. So the worst now is dealing with the patients
that are young. When the patient is 80+, you can at least feel happy that they
have lived a lifetimes worth of potential. But when they have kids the same
age as me, I see a parent with weddings and births of grandchildren ahead, and
I hate it.

Just this afternoon - not more than 2 hours ago- I had to place a catheter for
a 53 yr old patient that has a very small tumour burden, but it is in his
liver obscuring his biliary drainage and now he is dying of live failure. His
wife is understandably a wreck but his stoicism is almost more terrifying...
Today he asked repeatedly 'why is it taking so long?'

At the same time we have an 86 year old woman with metastatic lung cancer who
has been living with her disease for 8 years and will go home later this week,
likely to live another 6-12 months. She may even outlive her oncologist, who
was diagnosed with renal carcinoma 3 months ago and has been treating her for
8 years.

The randomness of it is perhaps the most shocking.. And all the while you must
contend with the knowledge that i have a 1 in 3 chance of going through cancer
myself.

Illness is horrible and unfortunately prevention is still much more successful
than treatment.

~~~
digitalengineer
If it would ever happen to me, I'd prefer ending it myself when I reach the
end of the line. Just a few weeks ago a local elder couple did the same thing
here. I do understand it's easy for me to say as I at least have a choice to
end it with the assistance of doctors.

~~~
srean
It is really time that we had a grown up and actionable conversation on
euthanasia. We can at least strive to give people two things (i) dignity and
(ii) no pain. Is that a lot I am asking for.

------
malcolm
I have a lot of respect for those that dedicate their energy toward
alleviating human suffering. Stories like this remind us of how precious life
is.

------
hw
Well written article. Reminds us to live life like there's no tomorrow, love
your loved ones like they'll be gone the next minute. Will be holding my wife
closer and tighter tonight.

------
adrianhoward
_" When I asked them when the right time was to tell someone that death is
unavoidable, they most often told me that the moment occurs after several
successive attempts at stopping the cancer have failed. Only then, when the
patient is cornered by cancer, that’s the time."_

I wonder if that's a US thing? I'm based in the UK and have been unfortunate
enough to have a bunch of friends and family die of different cancers over the
last ten years. In all but one case they were told almost as soon as they had
a diagnosis. In the one case that wasn't the second consultant that did tell
us was quite visibly cross that the first consultant hadn't done the job.

------
danieltillett
I really like how Ruth's oncologist told her the truth. I don't want to be
lied to by any doctor, but especially not about cancer.

~~~
scobar
In my experience, the "lying" was not directly that, nor was it even omission.
It was simply providing small, though often false, hopes very similar to what
her oncologist did toward the end of the story telling her to hold off on
chemo for one more day. It's a delicate balance the oncologists must deal with
as depression is a very real issue, and sometimes their goal is quality of
life until the end.

~~~
danieltillett
This is not really the doctors choice to make. I guess if the patient does not
request the full truth then there might be some justification for lying if
they think it will help the patient, but if a patient asks direct to be told
everything then they should be told. I certainly want to be told the full
truth at all times even if it is bad news.

~~~
scobar
I agree that the doctor should be honest and clear about the diagnosis. The
treatment options, their potential effectiveness, and the rate of decline due
to the illness varies enough that it's very difficult for the doctor to offer
more than percentages and statistics rather than the definitive answers most
patients desire.

~~~
danieltillett
I wish I could get percentages or statistics out of the doctors I have had to
deal with. Whenever I have asked direct questions I get handwaving and I am
spoken to like I am an idiot.

------
zatkin
There are no words to express the difficulty in the loss of a loved one due to
cancer.

My father is battling cancer, and my mother is trying her best to fight off
her emotions to deal with it. I try my best to just suppress the thoughts
altogether, ignoring it and lying to myself that my father is OK. There really
is no way to deal with this issue, and it's unfortunate.

I'm sorry for you loss.

------
oracuk
This just made me cry on busy London commuter train. Cathartic but awkward. An
incredibly moving story that has reminded me to tell the people that matter to
me that they matter to me.

------
junto

      Our life together was gone, and carrying on without her 
      was exactly that, without her. I was reminded of our friend
      Liz’s insight after she lost her husband to melanoma. She 
      told me she had plenty of people to do things with, but
      nobody to do nothing with.
    

A hard hitting article. I hope I never have to go through that with my
partner, as the patient, nor the one left behind.

I find it so sad that a medical breakthrough against cancer still seems so
utterly distant.

The pessimist in me fears that a cure for cancer is so remote because our
capitalist society does not value finding a cure, rather treating it's woes as
a vastly more profitable business.

The optimist in me thinks that there are some scientists out there working for
big pharma who value a reduction in suffering over profits.

~~~
JunkDNA
Don't believe the standard trope that pharma prefers treatments vs. cures. I
worked in oncology R&D in big pharma. Every single person there from
management on down sincerely believed the drug candidates they were
identifying and working on might be cures one day. The oncology drug
development process in a strange way mirrors the experience cancer patients
themselves (and I speak from experience-- lost my dad to pancreatic cancer
when I was just starting out). You have these really good days, where you have
data that says you might be on to something. That things are looking up. Maybe
this time it will be different! One in a million chance! And you have those
bad days, where it all seems to be falling apart. All the while through the
ups and downs you know in the back of your mind that inevitably (well
something like 98% of the time anyway), the data from the first clinical
trials will come back, and the drug you thought was going to change the world
isn't any better than anything else. Maybe if you get really lucky, the drug
adds 3 months to patients' lives so it's not a total failure.

So you pick yourself up after 5 - 8 years of work, and start all over at the
beginning in the hopes that _this time_ will be different. That is the reality
of cancer drug development in a pharmaceutical company. There is no smoke-
filled room where the managers say, "oh no, we can't pursue _that_ it might
cure people!". Even if people _were_ so warped as to think that way, you can
comfort yourself in knowing that biologists are so ignorant of the basics of
cancer, they wouldn't know how to distinguish a cure for a mere treatment if
they wanted.

The reality is that cancer is biologically complex and ferociously difficult
to cure. People seem to often use the "war" analogy (as in "the war on
cancer"). If it's a war, we're still using pointed sticks and rocks and cancer
has intercontinental ballistic missiles, special forces, and fighter jets.
Every once in a while, someone stumbles onto a stronger piece of wood or a
heavier rock.

------
AnonJ
> "Doctors claim that patients aren’t ready for the bad news earlier, when
> they are still digesting their shocking predicament: that their lives have
> changed irretrievably; that their priorities, their future aspirations,
> their promises to their loved ones—both the explicit and, more important,
> the implicit ones—would go unfulfilled. They cite their own hesitations too.
> Doctors want to be purveyors of hope rather than despair, a motive sometimes
> attributed to compassion, sometimes to a starker concern that patients will
> find a new, more optimistic second opinion. "

This is absolute nonsense. Any person with basic maturity/intelligence would
long have understood that any of us could die in any split second, and that
the essence of the world is randomness and senselessness. Just accept this
fact, relax and "don't care". I don't care on what day I die. What I care is
if I have lived every day of my life to the fullest possible, and when I come
to die I will not find that I haven’t lived. If I fulfill this, then even if I
somehow suddenly face death tomorrow, I would be serene and happy to embrace
it. On the contrary, if I could live for 1000 years but with every day wasted,
I would be mad and I'd better take an Euthanasia. Here Ruth and her husband
had the right attitude for life and they're totally worthy of applauds.
There’s no point in doing a prolonged, painful, senseless and sure-to-be-
defeated battle for just a few years of life. We all will die. What’s
important is live every day to the best possible with determination, and
accept with serenity what our current limitations can’t reach.

------
jreed91
"Doctors claim that patients aren’t ready for the bad news earlier, when they
are still digesting their shocking predicament: that their lives have changed
irretrievably; that their priorities, their future aspirations, their promises
to their loved ones—both the explicit and, more important, the implicit
ones—would go unfulfilled. They cite their own hesitations too. Doctors want
to be purveyors of hope rather than despair, a motive sometimes attributed to
compassion, sometimes to a starker concern that patients will find a new, more
optimistic second opinion."

This is something that hits home very deeply. My father just passed away from
Melanoma. When we first learned the news our oncologist was very hopeful that
we could treat the disease but later we met with a specialist in the area and
he was very blunt about my fathers future death. I felt as if the oncologist
lied to us. She didn't give us the whole story on how severe the cancer was.
Maybe if she did we would of been more proactive to treating it.

I can't imagine what can go through a doctors mind when they see the scans and
try to explain that to their patients day after day. How do you decide what is
the best way, should you be blunt? or should you give the patient hope? Too
many difficult decisions for one person to make.

------
duncan_bayne
"... followed by a humiliating, terrifying, and excruciating end."

This is why it's so important that we discuss voluntary euthanasia as a
society. The thing is, people prefer not to think of it. Everyone acts like
they're immortal.

I would much prefer to choose my own time of passing, preferably quite a way
from the end that you describe.

"The most debauched psychopath would not dream of subjecting their victims to
such an experience."

And yet, that is the experience that the law mandates we have.

------
kingkawn
My grandfather, now 91 years old, told me in January that everything is always
there. Everything you'll ever fear, celebrate, mourn, and laugh about is in
front of you throughout your life. The only thing that makes one moment
distinguishable from the next is what part we're focusing on.

------
TheBiv
Such a well written story.

This is one of those stories where I implicitly want to find the words to help
comfort the writer and those who have experienced pain similar to this.

To them, I will simply listen and hope that peace is with them.

Thank you for sharing.

------
mslev
My mom had breast cancer. She is alive today but this story made me think
about her and her battle, and how lucky I am to still have her with me. This
really was beautifully written.

------
bnmrrs
This was beautifully written.

------
pistle
I've watched my loved ones die. I have yet to see any of my dearest die. I
know that will happen. I don't know if it's better to understand the slow
spiral vs. carrying false hope to the edge of the cliff. We still end up
crushed at the bottom.

------
dk8996
I always wanted to do a consumer-app startup -- I am doing that now. I'm
really inspired by this story to actually do something more powerful.

------
iskander
Strange to read this while I'm at a conference on cancer therapies.

------
wayanon
(I thought Ruth was going to be some new programming language)

------
kator
I just finished reading:

    
    
       On Death and Dying
       by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
    

Because my ex-wife of 21 years and the mother of my 3 children is quickly
being taken away by cancer. I am a man of science and I recognized much of
what was going down, and she wanted to know it all, every detail, she doesn't
want us to hide a thing. It's horrifying to share such things with a woman I
have loved for 30 years. But she trusts me not to lie to her, she wants to
know so she can prepare. One of her sisters works in a breast cancer clinic
and knows how this goes all too well. We've all tried hard to help her but the
reality is that at some point it's just too late. I feel for the caretakers
who deal with this on daily basis, I can barely handle one case I can’t
imagine dealing with it daily and thousands of cases.

I have dealt with death in many forms, from instant "Oh by the way this person
passed today" and over time. They all suck, but if you're lucky dealing with
death over time can be a bittersweet gift for everyone involved. You have time
to share and say goodbye and talk about things we all forget to say to each
other each day. My children are devastated but again, none of us know when
we'll go, a taxi driver could hit me while I’m walking to work tomorrow. The
challenge is the balance, we each want and need to believe we live a life that
includes tomorrow and these patients are told the number of tomorrows are much
smaller then each of us assumes when we get up in the morning. It's the
dichotomy of life, without death life means nothing, but with death comes so
much grief, pain and sorrow.

This story touches me because I too understand what's ahead and as it has
unfolded I want to hate myself for being right. There is the science of what
is happening and the real human tragedy of it all.

This seems like a very strange article to run across on Hacker News and to be
100% honest I was here trying hard to avoid thinking about what is unfolding
in my family’s life. All I can say is thank you to the poster for pointing
this article out. I think there is an interesting juxtaposition between the
knowledge every Hacker wants to know and how you can’t unlearn once you have
learned something. Imagine the horror of understanding all the technical
details of what’s happening to your loved one while being totally helpless to
do anything about it. Some say that ignorance is bliss, and maybe it is for
some people. I think the big question is do you want to know? Or do you choose
ignorance? For me, knowing and understanding has always been a blessing with a
certain weight that I am willing to carry, even if it means understanding how
someone I’ve loved for 30 years is slowly dying. At least when she’s gone I
will not have to guess what happened…

------
zinxq
Brilliant article

------
arithewiz
speechless

------
whoismua
Very touching. It must take courage to resist treatment, even if you know
you're going to die anyway. I hope I never have to decide, but I ever am in
her shoes, I hope I'm brave enough to spend any time left with my family and
saying goodbyes.

On a related note, NYT wrote a story on "How Doctors Die"
[http://www.nytimes.com/2013/11/20/your-money/how-doctors-
die...](http://www.nytimes.com/2013/11/20/your-money/how-doctors-
die.html?pagewanted=1)

 _" What Dr. McKinley wanted was time with her husband, a radiologist, and
their two college-age children, and another summer to soak her feet in the
Atlantic Ocean. But most of all, she wanted “a little more time being me and
not being somebody else.” So, she turned down more treatment and began hospice
care, the point at which the medical fight to extend life gives way to
creating the best quality of life for the time that is left.

Dr. Robert Gilkeson, Dr. McKinley’s husband, remembers his mother-in-law,
Alice McKinley, being unable to comprehend her daughter’s decision. “ ‘Isn’t
there some treatment we could do here?’ she pleaded with me,” he recalled. “I
almost had to bite my tongue, so I didn’t say, ‘Do you have any idea how much
disease your daughter has?’ ” Dr. McKinley and her husband were looking at her
disease as doctors, who know the limits of medicine; her mother was looking at
her daughter’s cancer as a mother, clinging to the promise of medicine as "_

~~~
woof
Reminds me of these two, both well worth reading:

"How Doctors Die" [http://www.zocalopublicsquare.org/2011/11/30/how-doctors-
die...](http://www.zocalopublicsquare.org/2011/11/30/how-doctors-
die/ideas/nexus/)

"How doctors choose to die"
[http://www.theguardian.com/society/2012/feb/08/how-
doctors-c...](http://www.theguardian.com/society/2012/feb/08/how-doctors-
choose-die)

------
andyl
Today I learned that @netzpirat died a few weeks ago.

[https://groups.google.com/forum/#!topic/guard-
dev/2Td0QTvTIs...](https://groups.google.com/forum/#!topic/guard-
dev/2Td0QTvTIsE)

I use his OpenSource code - we chatted once or twice - and now he's gone.
Goodbye @netzpirat you will be missed.

------
jz10
Read it in one full page:

[http://nymag.com/news/features/cancer-peter-
bach-2014-5/#pri...](http://nymag.com/news/features/cancer-peter-
bach-2014-5/#print)

Even saved to pocket.

------
Fasebook
Because there isn't enough of emergent conspiracy with our current medical
system, lets try to get the loved ones in on it too. We can all lie and
doctors can use this new found flexibility to finally bring down the cost of
healthcare.

------
jamra
What a beautiful story. I come here to Hacker News to get tech related
aggregated content. The kind of thing that you don't go out looking for but
still say "Ooh, that's interesting". I really don't want to relive my
experiences with cancer here. Why on earth did someone think this is hacker
news worthy content?

~~~
Swizec
Relevant content to Hacker News is "Anything that satisfies a person's
intellectual curiosity." It's not just about technology, it's about
interesting things. Which, I think, is what makes HN as valuable as it is.

On an unrelated note, your username means "is whining/complaining" in my
native language (Slovenian) and I found that interesting given the context.

~~~
vidarh
> "is whining/complaining" in my native language (Slovenian)

It's jammern in German, jamre in Norwegian and Danish, and jämra in Swedish.
The Scandinavian versions and modern German all comes from Middle Low German.
I'm guessing you got the word from German at some point too, as the German
version originated from a version without the leading "j".

~~~
croisillon
That's also how Yammer gets so much success from :)

