
Ask HN: Do you feel obligated to go to work happy hours? - inostia
I currently work in higher ed as a developer in SF but am thinking about moving into the private world. The thing that I like about my current job is I don&#x27;t feel obligated to do anything extra outside of performing my actual work, and I like to have work&#x2F;private lives fairly separate. Should I be worried if I&#x27;m the type of person to say no to happy hours?
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Isamu
Well, this isn't Japan or Korea ... it's not quite the same career obligation.
But it can vary widely among startups especially.

Where I work we moved our happy hours to be squarely within work hours (before
5pm) and other places I have worked have had very few after-hours events. Just
be aware that startups or young companies that you may be attracted to may not
be congruent with your wish to have a life outside of work. If the company
attracts more people with spouses/families, then they will be a bit more
respectful of your life.

Also: remember, if they are keeping a scorecard, judging you based on bullshit
like whether you attend happy-hour outside events, you need to note this in
your evaluation of them. Don't let it all be on you. It is on them, for
creating idiotic acceptance criteria. From time to time you have to be ready
to fire your boss (get a new job) for his being an idiot.

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mikestew
After work, on my own time? If I feel like going, I'll go. Haven't ever
detected a problem with that over decades of employment. I might make an
excuse, I might just say "nah, I was planning on playing an
instrument/watching movie/diddling myself", or I might offer no excuse at all.

During work hours and I'm paid for it? I go unless there's an actual reason
that I can't. I'm being paid for it, and if an employer is going out of their
way, least I can do is show up.

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BlackjackCF
I don't mind going to work happy hours, but since I swapped from being a
backend applications developer to SRE, I've been a lot busier at work/having
to work later hours. As a result, I've been the person saying no to happy
hours.

I don't know if you should feel pressure to go. It helps develop office
rapport, but I also feel like if you have good rapport with your team and your
immediate manager, you should be ok. If there's upper management going to some
of these happy hours, it might be wise to just pop in every so often to make
yourself known to them.

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valbaca
I go to less than half of happy hours or other team "outings."

That way I'm not cast as "anti-social" and I don't let people start to expect
me to go to each one.

Useful excuses _cough_ lies _cough_

\- a simple, "sorry, I already have plans."

\- friend or family member in from out of town

\- oh, I've got <some exercise class or hobby> tonight

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Arizhel
Maybe it's different in SanFran/SV, and likely very different in trendy start-
ups, but in my ~15 years of working in the private sector in big, medium-
sized, and small companies, I never once was even invited to a happy hour
after work.

One company (Intel) did have a bunch of "team-building exercises" where we'd
go play laser tag, or go to lunch together when a coworker was leaving the
team, but that's it, and all those things were held during work hours (and
considered work time), and paid for by the company. There were complaints in
some departments and groups about having to work extra hours in order to
compete with other employees in the year-end ranking/rating, but I never saw
anyone expected to put in unpaid time after work for merely socializing. I
also never saw it in a bunch of other companies I worked in.

If this is something that happens at all in the US, I'd expect it with Silicon
Valley start-ups, but I don't know because I've never worked at one of those.

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wazanator
If it comes up within your first three months I would suggest maybe going but
leaving after an hour just so you don't seem antisocial. I'm with you in that
my time outside of the job is precious to me but turning down every invite
might give the wrong impression.

If it's a regular thing like say Friday every other week I don't think people
will care a whole lot if you skip but if it's an occasion where you just
finished a project or you are celebrating with another company I would suggest
going just so it doesn't come across as being rude unless you can come up with
a really good excuse such as "I would but I kind of promised I would take the
kids to see XYZ tonight at the theater".

Anyway that's my limited experience 2cents.

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drakonka
No, I usually skip them. We have these party type things about monthly in the
studio bar/lounge area as well as team-specific things sprinkled here and
there sometimes, but I almost never go. Sometimes I'll pop up to the monthly
drinks event to fill up a bowl with free chips and other snacks and head back
downstairs. They are just too loud for me to enjoy, it is impossible to have a
proper conversation with someone most of the time, and I don't drink alcohol
so there's really not much reason to go.

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malux85
Yes I did feel obligated to go, they were always outside of work hours.

The worst part was: it was an awesome team.

But when I was working, I always have 110% - and by the end of the day I was
tired.

I wanted to go home and relax - being in a crowded, noisy bar was the LAST
place I wanted to be.

I felt it always came off as anti-social, but I was really just tired.

Events outside work hours and the associated obligation to go was my #1
annoyance about working a full time job

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csnewb
I work at a big company in Silicon Valley. Our "happy hours" take place during
work hours, usually from 3-5pm. However most people use it as an excuse to
leave work early to beat traffic on 101/280 (but let's face it, no one beats
traffic here). I'm 26 while most of my coworkers are in their 40's and 50's. I
don't think anyone cares if I go or not.

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RickS
This is completely company and personality dependent. Unless you're a single
digit hire at a very fratty startup, I wouldn't sweat it.

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HeyLaughingBoy
Nope. I have a well-known history of avoiding any company function outside of
company hours. Come 5PM, we're on my time, my rules.

I've gone out drinking/movie watching/pool playing just to hang out with co-
workers, but those were not by any means company-involved events. Just things
we did to have fun. And they weren't even remotely mandatory or expected.

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praneshp
I've only been working 4 years, but I have attended 0 happy hours so far,
mostly because I don't drink. There are going to be people like you, others
who don't care if you join them, and yet others who'll try to persuade you to
join.

It's way down on the list of my concerns as a dev.

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hprotagonist
in my case, no. "i have a 10 month old" is an excuse that gets you out of
nearly everything.

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itsmemattchung
Although no one every really pressured me to attend happy hours, I always felt
I was under some obligation to attend all social functions. I think this
stemmed from my fear of disappointing people—I felt anxiety when saying "No."
But I finally feel more comfortable under my own skin, now that I'm in my late
20s.

Plus, bars are not conducive for my (addiction) recovery.

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cauterized
Ugh. No.

Or rather, I don't feel obligated to attend all or even most of them. I do try
to attend once a quarter or so as a way of expressing that I'm not above
socializing with my teammates, just busy.

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rosbrith
What most people are describing here is, to me, an almost alien culture.

Where I work in the UK it's common to socialise after work with colleagues
(I'd rather call them friends) regularly after work. It's not usually
sponsored by the employer and we rarely talk about work or our workplace
unless something noteworth is happening there. It's not just current
colleagues either. People who have moved on in their employment don't cease
being friends.

However, my cousin works in the USA (not SV) and has met with frustration in
trying to organise after-work activities as people there do not seem
comfortable socialising with their workmates. To me, that's a shame, but I can
understand that some like to keep their business lives apart from their social
lives.

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AnimalMuppet
If you want to go, go. If you don't want to, don't go.

Now, if it's _during work hours_ , if it's some kind of "team-building
exercise" or some such, then yes, you should go. On your own time, though? On
your time you do what you want.

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dvtv75
In some jobs, notably temp jobs, I have been. I don't drink, and my refusal
cost me a permanent position.

In other jobs there's no obligation to go, and the employers often understand,
particularly when the jobs have very low pay.

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dvdhnt
We're in Chattanooga.

Our happy hours happen once each month and I've never been pressured to attend
even when external guests are expected.

They know I have kids and my commute can be a half an hour or so; they
understand.

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atsaloli
I'd ask why you are thinking about making the switch. What is important to
you? The companies I worked at in LA didn't even have happy hours.

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cm2012
Hell no. I skip almost everything after work.

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dominotw
no

