
Seeking Path Back to Life - hestipod
https://0bin.net/paste/wpod8BE9BlU5JA2K#kINkORQ+qfiACZFZ0KeIaGchlxZ1Y65OKrFo-BRNyE6
======
gnode
I saw you mention you'd write this in your comment on "Is Loneliness a Health
Epidemic?" the other day. Thanks for following up with this.

To what extent have you considered or tried peer support groups of people in
similar situations to yourself? It sounds like you would benefit especially
from meeting people who can empathise with your situation, and may be able to
offer advice from personal experience.

Edit: Also out of curiosity, you mentioned you spent time in mainland Europe.
Do you speak a foreign language or languages? If so, I'd say that's an
ability, possibly a marketable one.

~~~
hestipod
I have gotten all I can from support groups. I know tons of people online with
similar issues and it's easily divided into two categories...those with
disability/support/social systems...and those without. The former can quite
often get by or even improve. The latter sink.

Sadly I am not fluent in anything. Like the rest of the skills it takes lots
of time to become so and most places require degrees and certifications for
any worthwhile jobs.

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irremediable
Hey, I was one of the people talking with you in the comments of that original
thread. Thanks for sharing with us.

I can't give a very long reply now (it's approaching bedtime in the UK) but I
will tomorrow.

Just one thing to ask right away, though: are you _sure_ you can't get on
disability? Would you mind telling us more about your condition and the
appeals process in your state?

~~~
hestipod
Hi again. Yes I am positive disability is over and done appeals and all. I
have consulted lawyers all along the way and am well versed.

------
ep103
This seems to be missing a lot of information.

what is the injury and why are you unable to work? Why can you only work a few
hours each day? What are the medical procedures you believe you require? Why
was the reason given for denying you disability? What was the job / industry
you originally had? What have you done since then?

~~~
hestipod
I left a lot of that out for mostly privacy and relevancy reasons. I have been
contacted by people who recognized me from details in the past and it resulted
in trouble not help so I am defensive and hypersensitive I admit because of
this, and many questions being used to "dismantle" what I know I need and
argue with me rather than anything helpful.

If someone thinks they can truly help I am willing to spill even more in
private but I believe the initial post covers the relevant things and states
what I need and I took great care to preface lots of stuff.

Sorry to all for the slow replies. I got fairly discouraged as the post was
apparently flagged several times and turnout was low. I do appreciate
everyone's input.

------
techdreamer
This is my 2nd attempt to reply - just created an account. I hope it gets
there. I feel very much for you - you sound like you have physical pain as
well as financial distress.

I am a sometime lurker on this site who has created an account to tell you
that I hope you get some kind of breakthrough or something good does happen.
Probably that's not much help. Please hang on. I have read your post and also
your comments to other posts and can see that you are an intelligent and good
person. You love your cat, and she needs you, and yes, she does love you too!

Being not a programmer or sysadmin etc. myself there is not any concrete help
I can give. I would hope that some here would be able to offer you some remote
work?

~~~
hestipod
Thanks for taking the time to reply. There is no shortage of good people who
would help if they could. Meeting and coming across so many is the reason I am
not a complete misanthrope. The problem is the systems and people who were
supposed to be there, and could have, weren't. It's a big thing to ask of a
stranger, to step in and fill that role, so while I am disappointed I knew
from past experience this was unlikely to result in anything. There are
countless people like me and even far worse as well, so it's not as if I think
I deserve that more than anyone else out there in need or expected a real
miracle, I just had to try. The massive stress of worrying about the outcome
is at least behind me. I appreciate your kindness.

~~~
techdreamer
hestipod - unfortunately this has gone the way of the HN news rush, please
don’t take it to heart.

You mentioned in one archived post I read something about a guy who was able
to plot tankers on maps online. I suppose it is hard to get something like
that, but can’t help wondering if some in HN crowd could have something along
these lines. (What, I have no idea). I wonder how he got into that?

I hope that your current condition is at least in someway stable, eg, housing
- I get what you are saying about Maslow’s bottom rung - you need work, stable
housing and a chance.

Please hang in there.

~~~
hestipod
Finding something like that was the hope but it's dead. That guy worked in the
field before and knew someone at the non-profit so he had relevant background
and a hookup. Both of those things, or at least the latter, are required. I
have neither for anything anymore. Housing is not stable...it's miserable and
one of my biggest pain points. I am in the middle of nowhere with two people
who resent each other and me, I am being pushed out passive aggressively and
sometimes overtly, every day is full of anxiety and stress which just
increases the pain. The longer things in my life have gone on the more I need
and the more specific my needs are. Nobody would help when it was far easier
to solve...nobody is going to now. This is not cynicism...this is wisdom based
in consistent experience.

I have cast this hail mary net over and over after exhausting my ability to
create a path by myself, never resulted in anything but well wishes (which I
appreciate but ultimately aren't a solution), interrogation from people who
were never going to do anything anyway, and blame. This post was flagged
repeatedly and buried before it had a chance. People won't help but they will
fight you and argue with you and make it all about them. And naturally when
you experience this over and over and have the resulting attitude about it as
I do now...your attitude is then blamed as the problem in some absurd retcon.
Truth is most people avoid suffering and need or worse attack it out of fear.
It's the root of victim blaming and extends to a wide set of behaviors. See
how most people react to the homeless as proof. When people rarely DO help at
all they put so many conditions and judgment on it that it renders it
ineffective in the long run.

I was fortunate enough not to be born in a war zone or some terrible poverty
and had a few good years in my life but a fraction of what I had earned and
would have occurred had my life not been stolen, but I was UNfortunate enough
to be born in the USA where once I lost my value to the machine I was cast
aside rather than helped to stabilize and be allowed a productive
future....let alone any happiness. The United States of the Thunderdome made
it's choice and I am screwed as a result. I want out for good...can't get
out...another thing that was betrayed and derailed by someone's injurious
actions. I want a small stable life. Can't get it as long as every foundation
I build is knocked over by someone and then I am told to "stop being a victim"
etc. I AM a victim...of repeated instances. It's not a choice or a viewpoint.
I am not making excuses. This is reality and what has happened. I can't be
responsible for other people's actions but am constantly treated as I should
be...yet none of those people are held accountable for THEIRS.

Yeah I am angry, and depressed, and resentful...and rightly so and so would
anyone who had lived this. But none of it matters. Screaming into a void for
so many years out of pathetic desperation hanging on to imaginary hopes and
dreams of just being allowed to have a life.

~~~
techdreamer
I am so sorry to hear this. I wonder if it is possible to conciliate in some
way with these two (appease them in a dignified way, keeping out of their way)
- (horrible, but necessary). If they are related, surely they wouldn’t pull
the trigger on you no matter what their attitude is. (Humans, especially
relatives, can be funny that way). They have power over you and sound as if
they are miserable with each other, and you are getting the fallout.

I find it appalling that there are no options for you. Its hard to find words.
You are obviously highly literate and intelligent and could be good value for
some one or entity with that kind of remote work. (4 hours a day and not
having truckloads of qualifications but interest, software and operating
system skills, life experience, maturity and reliability are a good signal to
an entity with this kind of work).

Generally Phd’s and credentialled individuals don’t get jobs like the one we
discussed, they will move on - niche jobs are the toughest to get, but
employers really aren’t looking for elite credentials, just specific talents
and trays.

Finding someone with your skillset who will work for 4 hours a day
consistently and reliably is tough for employers - the other side of the coin.
(Finding a job like this and an employer in this situation is the problem).

Hold on. This post may be buried but it isn’t going anywhere. (You are
depressed and rightly so, I don’t know if there are any disability options for
that, and you have investigated the system pretty thoroughly). I’m probably
irritating you about now, but you know, you did what you could with this post,
and risked it, that is something pretty good and very brave. Hang on, hang on,
hang on, sometimes at the 11th hour..... (ok?).

~~~
techdreamer
Are you still reading here? I hope you are all right. Reading back over your
reply to me I got the impression that the someone who blocks instances of you
helping yourself is a relative, and then blames you as a victim. It is so hard
to read online posts, I might be wrong. You probably don’t want to discuss it
anyway, and I’m not some nut always writing here.

(If it is a relative, doing that, that is a dysfunctional pattern, the truth
is they will keep playing the game, but probably not evict you.) It may be
even some person’s way of telling you you are depressed - weird but true -
some don’t know how to do this. (In other words, they don’t know how to
communicate this stuff, may care for you, and may be depressed themselves - I
don’t know, I’m not a psychologist). Anyway, would be nice to know you are all
right, and don’t worry, I won’t post again - just say “I’m still around”, and
we will leave it at that. Take care.

------
sdca
Ask other people on disability how they got on it.

~~~
hestipod
As mentioned in the post the disability option is well and truly done in the
USA. It's quite broken system with some with even worse issues than me denied
and some with nothing really wrong approved. I played the game incorrectly it
seems.

------
anotheryou
I fear I won't be of much help, but what jobs did you do in your 20s than?
Since when are you back in the US?

~~~
hestipod
Hey thanks for replying. I would like to keep that out of public as I have
spilled so many details already that one would definitively ID me.

------
throwaway44278
[https://www.ssa.gov/disability/professionals/bluebook/12.00-...](https://www.ssa.gov/disability/professionals/bluebook/12.00-MentalDisorders-
Adult.htm#12_04)

Pay particular attention to the four criteria in paragraph 12.04B. Understand
that SSI is primarily for people who are unemployable and only incidentally
for people who are disabled. If you make use of that understanding, you will
get your check and your medicaid card.

~~~
hestipod
While I appreciate the effort, I have been through the SSA gamut for years as
I stated in the "novella". I know all about the system and options, and things
just don't work as consistently as people believe. Trying to explain again why
it's not an option to solve my issues, for several reasons outlined in the OP,
just makes me look argumentative and ungrateful, but it's incredibly
frustrating when I feel like people aren't hearing or believing me. I regret
having made the post because it's just reinforced the hopelessness of all of
this.

