
Ask HN: Struggle and how everyone else gets lucky but me? - deeplib5
Hi HN,<p>Today my question is regarding struggle and luck. I have so many friends, colleagues who get lucky in terms of dating,  finding high paying jobs, finding cheap homes and getting rich and so on in many aspects of life.<p>I keep struggling day after day. I work in bay area but for peanuts salary compared to my decade long experience. Men and women 5 yrs younger than me are earning  $150k base very easily.<p>I work for one of the respected company and I do have good tech skills. I got rejected by both Facebook and Google this week after 1st round and it has been quite a downer on my confidence.<p>I don&#x27;t watch tv or play games or do anything other than work ,home, little bit of gym. It has been at least a month I have been looking for new job but still nothing.<p>Anyone who thinks getting job in bay area is easy is not familiar with reality. I have had funny, annoying and better experience so far.<p>I feel like noone has struggled in life as much as me. Its ultimate struggle that I hate.<p>I should mention that I come from south asian country. So far life has been really really brutal for me. I wish I could have luxury that people with millions of dollars enjoy.<p>I don&#x27;t feel I have anything to look forward to in life.<p>Has anyone been through similar phase? What did you do to keep head high and still achieve something great in life ?
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d4rkph1b3r
I was in the industry for 12 years struggling until I made a good salary.
Before then I was making 90k or less some years. Sometimes it takes a while.

The awesome thing about the tech industry... what you did or make this year
doesn't affect what you can make two years from now all that much.

>What did you do to keep head high and still achieve something great in life

Be confident you can _eventually_ get where you want, but realistic about how
many weaknesses you have and how long it will take to get there. This might be
a two year path for you to get that dream job.

In the mean time, you can't spend 100% of your time stressing about how you
aren't growing/progressing fast enough. Partition your free time into both
'learn/grow' and 'goof off/relax' time. You absolutely need the latter too.
Study your tech books, practice coding etc.

For me, no matter how crappy or great my week is, friday night I have a couple
drinks with friends or my GF and don't think about work. If I stay up all
night working, I try to read a fiction book for fifteen or twenty minutes
before falling asleep. Little things like that will keep you sane and happy
for the marathon it will take to get to where you need to be.

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meric
>> dating, finding high paying jobs, finding cheap homes and getting rich

You don't get "lucky" with these. They take effort.

Don't think in terms of how much _you_ are struggling.

Think about what other people want. What kind of men do women like in your
area? What kind of employees are employers valuing? Where in the world you can
get a house for less than $100k? What kind of assets are very cheap right now?

Think hard all the time about all of these things.

That's what I do, like all the time.

I'm in a relationship. I have a 6 figure job. My stock portfolio went up heaps
in past year. I pay $400 rent after renting out the other rooms of the house
I'm renting for $2200.

None of these were "luck". And I didn't "get" them by working and going to the
gym and making applications.

I'm Asian also.

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adomanico
There are a two things that bother me about your post.

1\. You mention you want the "life of luxury" that these "lucky" people enjoy.
If you spend your life chasing wealth, you will never feel satisfied. These
"lucky" people spend their days doing something they love, not just chasing
wealth. This motivates them to learn constantly and become better everyday.

2\. The difference between you and the people who are "lucky" is when they get
rejected, they study harder, learn more and keep persisting. Instead of doing
that, you wasted your time writing this post to complain.

Figure out what you want and go after it. Do whatever you need to do to
achieve it. It's as simple as that. If you don't really want it you will fail.

~~~
UK-AL
As a "lucky "person, desire for wealth was defiantly a component.

I sought out better opportunities because that desire. And I invested my money
well.

It also happens be correlated with stuff I enjoy.

There are plenty of jobs people enjoy in which people will never achieve
financial stability.

What you don't see is all the failure i had to go through.

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saluki
Keep your chin up . . . if it happened for everyone they wouldn't call it luck
. . .

Seriously though you do have to make your own . . . with a positive attitude,
keep trying . . .

Sounds like you have a decent job . . . compare your peanuts to some other
workers around you . . . restaurant manager, uber driver, I expect you're
making more than most professions.

Focus on the positive, improve your skills, be confident, build a few side
projects to help you in your next interview. Show them what you can bring to
the table beyond slinging code, business logic, improving the flow/ui/ux of
the apps your work on . . . there are lots of ways to bring more value than
the other devs out there . . .

Good luck, keep trying . . . make your own luck, and pay it forward to the
less 'lucky' employees around you.

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springmissile
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and create your own projects. If they're
getting a better salary than you, they either value themselves higher than you
do or they're genuinely better than you at programming.

If you are bad at getting a job, make your own. Moving to the bay area is a
terrible idea. It's a bad place. It's expensive but I guess on the plus side,
you wouldn't feel out of place going homeless.

Improve your confidence, improve your skills. Also, "achieving something great
in life" is different for everyone.

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pink_dinner
"I got rejected by both Facebook and Google this week after 1st round and it
has been quite a downer on my confidence"

I'm self-employed now, but when I was looking for jobs, I was rejected
multiple times (before finally finding a job). I tried to learn as much as I
could from the situation and I moved onto the next interview. Sometimes, it's
just not a good fit or they were looking for someone with a different skill
set.

All of these successful people that are 5 years younger than you probably got
rejected multiple times before getting a job. They will never tell you this
and you only see the success.

It reminds me of many photographers' portfolios: You might see 100 beautiful,
perfect, pictures. But, you don't see the 1000 terrible shots it took to get
them.

"It has been at least a month I have been looking for new job but still
nothing."

Try to get busy with something. Work on an open source project while you are
looking. I'm not sure why, but I've always found my best jobs while I wasn't
thinking about getting a job all the time. It might have to do with subtle
signs or body language...or maybe I'm just more comfortable.

"So far life has been really really brutal for me"

Welcome to life. It sucks..but you sound like you are on the right path.

"dating"

Dating will always be tough. I dated around for 5 years before finding my
wife. I have found that it's very similar to finding a job: When I'm not
concentrating on looking for a date, I end up finding one.

My wife and I met through a meetup group. It had nothing to do with dating,
just a mutual interest.

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soulbadguy
I think many people go through similar phases in life, i actually think most
of us do. And i believe the more ambitious one is,the more one become incline
to those kind of feelings.Two things to watch out for are : how long does it
take you to snap back to your regular self, and do you learn anything from
those dark moments.

Has to what to do ? I don't have any solutions but i can offer some
reflections of my own having been in that dark hole myself a lot of times.

First let's talk about your inner world. I don't know you, and i don't know
the struggles you face, but independent of your external conditions, there is
a large body of "technics" on how to deal with and manage negative emotions (
lookup self-regulation in emotional intelligence for a start). Beyond that,
the idea of "emotional hygiene" has been very helpful to me.Much in the same
way that feeling tired all the time is usually a sign that your body is
missing something, experiencing long period of negative emotion might be a
sign that your are not taking care of you emotional system as you should. Some
people mentioned hanging out with friends etc...A sense of belonging is very
important (even for introverts) , but there are many other aspects (Ask more
questions is you want more specific item as to what to do ). I also get from
your post the impression that your self worth is somewhat attached to your
success... A lot of us feel this way, and that's a very dangerous way of
valuing one self.

Now after all that emotional sweet talk, the fact remains that emotions do
usually contain a kernel of truth. i think the gist of it is that your are not
happy with the results your are getting given the amount of efforts you
putting in. The reason for that might that your model and assumptions about
success and how to be successful are not accurate as they can be. In other
words, what you experience as "luck" for other people, might not really be
luck as much as a chain of consequences that your model cannot explains. You
mentioned someone getting a cheap housing, maybe it was pure luck , or maybe
that someone has better soft skills which translated to better/bigger social
network which resulted in him/her being aware of more housing deals; and more
housing deal combined with better negotiation skills resulted in a good
deal.So instead maybe you should be thinking "i need better soft skills".

So maybe this is the time to reevaluate some of your core belief; You seems to
be focusing on "hard work" as the main variable for success...But smart
work,soft skill, opportunity and leadership are all equally important. How are
you doing on those fronts ?

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lgieron
> I feel like noone has struggled in life as much as me. Its ultimate struggle
> that I hate.

Re: struggle (just for some perspective)

[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gulag](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gulag)

[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nazi_concentration_camps](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nazi_concentration_camps)

~~~
atomical
Putting your own struggles into relative terms isn't very helpful. It is
dismissive of valid concerns.

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bjourne
Remember that social skills beat technical skills everyday of the week. If you
want to have a high-paying job that is the area you should focus on.

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exolymph
It's hard to sort out disappointment from depression, but if you're feeling
hopeless and despairing, it might be a good idea to talk to a professional
counselor. [http://www.networktherapy.com/CA/San-Francisco-
Therapists/](http://www.networktherapy.com/CA/San-Francisco-Therapists/)

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MalcolmDiggs
Fortune and luck are all relative. Maybe a reframing is all that's necessary.

Try volunteering, giving back, and getting to know some of the millions of
people who are much less fortunate than yourself. It might help you gain a new
perspective on your own situation, and, if nothing else, will stack some karma
points up in your favor.

