
My Failed Attempt at Engineering Love - sloanesturz
https://themission.co/looking-for-the-one-how-i-went-on-150-dates-in-4-months-bf43a095516c
======
jeffwass
>"I became an online dating magician who knew how to optimize a profile — A/B
testing pictures and message. If I changed my profile picture and got more
“likes” as a result, that meant it was better. I was tracking data, which made
it easy to see what performed best.

>This one worked, probably because it hides the bulging stomach and the
balding head."

No, your A/B test doesn't mean it's 'better', unless you're counting only
number of first dates.

But you keep talking about finding "The One".

So here's some unsolicited advice - you are optimising the wrong variable.

If you're really looking for "The One", instead optimise number of dates that
remain interested in you after the first or later, not maximising the number
of first dates.

And along this line - use a picture that is more representative of yourself?
If you're worried about potential dates being turned off by the bald head and
bulging stomach, won't they be turned off when they meet you in person?

At that point it becomes game theory, do you aim for more first bites with
lower followup success, in hopes that your personality shines through?

Do you cast a wide net, as you're doing, and exert a LOT of effort with first
dates hoping you don't risk losing a potential "the one"?

Or should you be yourself from the beginning, "happy to be a hippo" so to
speak[1]. You'll probably get fewer first bites, but ones that get through
have shown they don't care about your balding head and bulging stomach.

Though I haven't been on the dating scene in 16 yrs, so take my advice with a
grain of salt.

[1] [https://www.quora.com/What-does-happy-as-a-hippo-
mean](https://www.quora.com/What-does-happy-as-a-hippo-mean)

~~~
pm90
> If you're worried about potential dates being turned off by the bald head
> and bulging stomach, won't they be turned off when they meet you in person?

Depends on what they are looking for, really. You would be surprised at how
many PEOPLE, both men and women, are lonely and looking for companionship. And
its very easy to swipe but meeting in person you tend to notice other
attractive qualities.

I agree it is misleading and a little deceptive though. Personally, I don't do
it, but I'm trying to explain how it may not be the worst thing in the world
to do it.

~~~
jeffwass
I know what your saying, but unless I misinterpreted, the author was lamenting
how most of his 150 first dates were a waste of his time.

so that's where he has to decide.

150 dates with potentially little bite, or maybe 10 (or less?) dates where his
worries are almost guaranteed not to be an issue. Of course zero first dates
is not good either.

Given his interest in experimenting like this, I'd be curious to see if he did
a follow up using the above strategy.

~~~
pm90
Ah good point. My expectation is that (unfortunately) he would probably get 0
dates. The online dating world is MUCH too competitive, to the point of
absurdity.

~~~
user5994461
It's tinder, it's easy.

As you can see in his article, just ask her on a date and get her number. It
takes about 3 messages.

------
vertex-four
Ehh... the issue is mostly that online dating doesn't go very well for the
vast, vast majority of people. On the other hand, I know plenty of not-
particularly-attractive people who've met partners through all sorts of weird
and whacky situations.

Fact of the matter is that finding potential partners, like finding anyone, is
about constantly growing the network of people you interact with. I meet new
people nearly every week through various communities I'm part of and organise.
Many of them stay that way, just "part of my community", some of them become
great friends, and very few become partners. You're unlikely to manage that
while working 80 hours a week, going to the bar once or twice a week, and
otherwise not being involved in much.

Also, speaking personally... the sort of person who thinks it's fun to spend
their time automating personal interaction is not the sort of person I want to
date.

~~~
ice109
>Also, speaking personally... the sort of person who thinks it's fun to spend
their time automating personal interaction is not the sort of person I want to
date.

forgive me for waxing poetical but i've thought about this a lot - since i
have tinder and okcupid accounts - online dating is one of the most nihilistic
enterprises to come out of the digital revolution. take one of the most
personally rewarding and edifying experiences and completely formalize one of
the most exciting parts of it (if not _the_ most). what becomes the point of
your life???

i read a stupid platitude somewhere that you should do something that scares
you every day and approaching people you're attracted to (not on the street
you pua twats) is one of the few "scary" things still available to us as
denizens of modernity (i'm not sailing over the ocean blue, summiting mt
everest, hunting moby dick, etc.). why would you want to sidestep that.

~~~
gorkonsine
>online dating is one of the most nihilistic enterprises

>approaching people you're attracted to (not on the street you pua twats) is
one of the few "scary" things still available to us as denizens of modernity

Online dating is good for people who simply have NO other avenue to meet
people. If you're not supposed to try to pick up people on the street, then
where would you apply this advice? Work? I don't know about you, but I'm a
software engineer, so there's no single women at my workplace. School? I
graduated quite some time ago, and work now. Church? Like many technologists,
I'm irreligious (and I wouldn't want to date a religious woman anyway; been
there, done that). Extracurricular activities? Sure, but the number of single
women at these things tends to be pretty small, so it's a LOT of effort for
very low odds of success. Any many of my interests just don't have very many
single women participating anyway.

The simple fact is, online dating offers a way for people to meet who
otherwise simply wouldn't. This problem isn't new either; ever hear of
"singles mixers"? Those were around _long_ before the WWW came about. Online
dating just moves that kind of thing online, and gives you a way of screening
people before taking your time to meet them in person so you can make sure
you're at least a little compatible. The main problem I personally see with
online dating is that there aren't enough people using it (esp. female,
they're far more reluctant to use it and see it as a point of shame), and
there's too many different competing services. Oh yeah, and all the liars too.
But that's nothing new, men picking up women in bars have been lying about
themselves forever too.

~~~
pm90
> Online dating is good for people who simply have NO other avenue to meet
> people

Like everything, in moderation it works great. I'm a male software engineer
and can relate to your feelings of not being able to meet single women
naturally. But relying exclusively on online dating is kinda... uncreative.
You mentioned bars. But also: coffee shops. Art shows. Music festivals. When
used in conjunction, Online dating is great, because now you can invite the
women you meet online to join you in the other fun activities going on in your
life.

~~~
gorkonsine
>But also: coffee shops.

I've spent plenty of time in coffee shops. I've had a number of first dates
there too. I have _never_ seen anyone introduce themselves to someone in a
coffee shop, unless it was obvious that they were planning to meet there.
Instead, most people I see there are busy: they're either with a friend(s), or
they're busy working on their computer. They're not there to get picked up. If
I were a woman, I'd be annoyed if I couldn't go to a coffee shop and relax
without a bunch of men hitting on me.

>Music festivals.

If you don't share the same taste in music, that's going to be a problem. The
concerts I go to are filled with men. Besides, I've never been to a concert
where people were walking around mingling and meeting each other; they were
there to listen to the music, not socialize.

~~~
pm90
> If you don't share the same taste in music, that's going to be a problem.
> The concerts I go to are filled with men. Besides, I've never been to a
> concert where people were walking around mingling and meeting each other;
> they were there to listen to the music, not socialize.

I don't disagree. It can be hard to find activities which are popular with
both sexes. I don't really know what to tell you, except that, I'm sorry you
didn't luck out in being interested in any of those activities. I would
suggest trying to develop a taste for other activities, but I don't think its
in my place to ask you to do anything :). I am after all a stranger on the
internet.

> I've spent plenty of time in coffee shops. I've had a number of first dates
> there too. I have never seen anyone introduce themselves to someone in a
> coffee shop, unless it was obvious that they were planning to meet there.
> Instead, most people I see there are busy: they're either with a friend(s),
> or they're busy working on their computer. They're not there to get picked
> up. If I were a woman, I'd be annoyed if I couldn't go to a coffee shop and
> relax without a bunch of men hitting on me.

I agree here as well. If you read my other comment, you will see that most of
my interactions are incidental, not forced. Its hard to explain, but you have
to develop a certain social awareness and curiosity.

------
criddell
I think he actually found the love of his life and hasn't realized it. Turns
out, it's a Python script.

------
projectramo
151st date is the charm.

This is a bit like living in NYC for both parties: there is so much volume
that you can't get past the first minor disappointment.

I think the volume prevents you from focusing on one person to figure out what
you want.

You might want to focus some kind of algo on the second part of the dating:
selection.

Don't just go on your gut or how you felt after the date. You need multiple
dates to figure that out.

~~~
ice109
NYC dating: water water everywhere but none that I'll drink more than a sip of
in anticipation of finding a better glass. paradox of choice indeed.

------
patrickg_zill
Thinking about it some more, the scripted interactions didn't work because
they seemed too much like begging, especially after the 2nd message, when a
normal person would have simply stopped communication with a non-responder.

There was no mystery or enigmatic friction created in his scripted messages.
Nothing to raise the "buying temperature" or whatever you want to call it.

Also a head and shoulders shot with no context is as bland as can be. At least
1 shot should have been with an outside interest, like, with your dog (if you
have one) or with friends showing you enjoying yourself. By adding such
photos, I am willing to guess his responses would have been better.

------
belorn
Interesting article, but in the context of serious process and scientific
methods, the rape statistics quoted in the article is the exact opposite. The
"1 in 5 US women is estimated to be raped before age 25" comes from a single
study where they did a voluntary survey in one US university campus. It
reflecting of the set of students during that year on that campus that decided
to answer that survey. The national average today could be 1 in 5, it could be
much more or much less.

~~~
Jarwain
Not entirely true, from what I understand. The statistic has been replicated
in polls and surveys across various college campuses. The OP's representation,
and yours, is a little clunky but makes rational sense to me.

His quote is "1 in 5 US women are estimated to be raped before the age of 25".
This statistic is based on surveys conducted by the graduates of various
colleges and universities. My understanding of the results are: of all the
responding women, roughly 20% claim to have been raped. If the sample of women
attending University and/or responding is representative of the population as
a whole, then the original claim makes sense.

More to the point, refuting the single study, voluntary survey at one US
university campus.

Washington Post-Kaiser Family Foundation Poll. "the poll surveyed a random
national sample of 1,053 women and men ages 17 to 26 who were undergraduates
at a four-year college — living on campus or nearby — or had been at some
point since 2011. They attended more than 500 colleges and universities,
public and private, large and small, elite and obscure, located in every state
and the District of Columbia." [...] "5 percent of men and 20 percent of women
said they had been sexually assaulted in college"
[http://www.washingtonpost.com/sf/local/2015/06/12/1-in-5-wom...](http://www.washingtonpost.com/sf/local/2015/06/12/1-in-5-women-
say-they-were-violated/)

Campus Climate Survey Validation Study " Surveys were completed by more than
23,000 undergraduate students (approximately 15,000 females and 8,000 males).
The average response rate across all nine schools was 54% for females and 40%
for males"
[https://www.bjs.gov/content/pub/pdf/ccsvsftr.pdf](https://www.bjs.gov/content/pub/pdf/ccsvsftr.pdf)

~~~
belorn
The Campus Climate Survey Validation Study has on page 18 a summery of the
result for undergraduate females during 2014-2015 in the 9 schools:

Estimated sexual assault: Averaged 10.3%, and ranged from 4.2% at School 2 to
20.0% at School 1.

Estimated sexual battery: Average 5.6% , and ranged from 1.7% at School 2 to
13.2% at School 1.

Estimated rape: Average 4.1%, and ranged from 2.2% at School 9 to 7.9% at
School 5.

Across the nine participating schools, 4.3% of sexual battery incidents and
12.5% of rape incidents were reported by the victim to any official.

So according to it, the average rape on those 9 schools were 4.1%, but only
0.5% were reported. If we accept those numbers (54% response rate, common
location and (likely) background, generational age), we have that out of 150
women that this article talk about, 6 women is estimated to have been raped,
in contrast to the initial assertion of 30. The "1 in 5" study was a good
signal that further studies was needed. The CCSVS can be seen as a good start
of such further studies. The range difference of 400% between school 9 and 5
do say that we need to be careful and bigger studies/meta studies is needed to
remove outlines and get averages and median value. In the mean time I suggest
the nice and round number 5%, or if the assume that the above numbers are
exclusive (uncertain if thats true), 20% that a undergraduate will be victim
of some form of sexual misconduct.

------
lcall
My stepdaughter went on 100 dates while in her teens (like, while aged 16-18),
to get to know a variety of people (clean, usually double dates). She married
~#72 and they're doing very well, like, idyllic, after some years (she has
blogs about raising their children). Anyway, while still a teen, she had an
ebook published about why those 100 dates were a good idea, with 365 ideas for
free or inexpensive dates:

[https://deseretbook.com/p/date-day-365-ideas-lds-teens-
teen-...](https://deseretbook.com/p/date-day-365-ideas-lds-teens-teen-charly-
troff-85440?ref=product-image)

~$3. For what it may be worth from a relative. (You have to install the
publisher's free ebook app, to read it though.)

(edit: I found eHarmony's approach, though not really their IT department, to
work really well for me.)

~~~
lcall
A correction/ps, too late to edit: there is also apparently a kindle edition
of the $3 "365 date ideas", so no niche app needed (though that's a nice app
too, i have it):

[https://www.amazon.com/Date-Day-Ideas-Teens-Teen-
ebook/dp/B0...](https://www.amazon.com/Date-Day-Ideas-Teens-Teen-
ebook/dp/B008X9NZPW/ref=sr_1_1/134-9201808-3905701?ie=UTF8&qid=1498779281&sr=8-1&keywords=charly+troff)

------
tabeth
From my friend group there are two types of individuals:

1\. Individuals who date many people, breaking up if they find something non-
optimal. These include minor things like, not cleaning up on occasion, or not
liking something you do.

2\. Someone who dates very few (1-3) individuals, sticking with them until a
serious, fatal flaw appears, like being racist or physically harming others,
etc.

If you define a successful dater as someone who has both longevity and quality
in a single relationship then Group 2 has far more success in their
relationships, in my experience.

~~~
swiley
Group 1 is mostly women and group 2 is mostly men.

At least in my experience.

~~~
dwaltrip
Unless the majority of people you know are gay, that isn't possible.

For each hetero man you know following strategy 2, by definition, there is a
corresponding woman (his partner).

And vice versa with the women who are using strategy 1.

~~~
mattnewport
Not true. It's perfectly possible you have a scenario where for example the
top 10% of men date 100s of women, the bottom 50% date 3 or fewer women and
women have a much more even distribution and date an average much higher than
3. These numbers are just an example but in reality I think something a bit
like this situation does actually exist.

~~~
dwaltrip
Sorry, forgot about this post. It seems you are likely right... (my brain is
feeling a bit foggy on this one right now). I can see what sort of asymmetric
distribution you are talking about. This must have been studied at some point
-- it would be interesting to see some hard numbers.

Anyways, thanks for the correction.

------
noveltyaccount
> I’m a fat, bald, short guy whose only quality is that he isn’t an ax
> murderer... But I’m bad at small talk, and I jump too fast to intellectual
> conversations, making it awkward.

None of the engineering addressed root causes. Solve the confidence first, and
then hack your way to a better physique, and maybe pick up some interests that
are universal and easy to chat about.

~~~
logfromblammo
>> _...isn 't an ax murderer..._

> _...hack your way to a better physique..._

Got it. Buying an axe ASAP... ~

------
8_hours_ago
This reminds me of a very humorous high frequency dating story
[https://web.archive.org/web/20170325010439/http://robrhineha...](https://web.archive.org/web/20170325010439/http://robrhinehart.com/?p=1005)

(previously discussed here:
[https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=6773841](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=6773841))

------
watwut
The attempt seems to lack any attempt to recognise the one or reflect what it
is that he looks for in a girl. Whether the first meeting is fun and engaging
and whether you two can be together long term are very different things.

I also think that sending three messages in three days despite being ignored
selects shared traits in the group. I mean, he said he is shy but acted super
active sociable and needy online. So he might be selecting girls who look for
needy dude or want dude who is highly sociable. Instead, shy introverted dude
who need excell to figure out inappropriate thing to say appeared. That can't
be match.

------
nerdponx
_I’m a fat, bald, short guy whose only quality is that he isn’t an ax
murderer._

Cart before the horse. Also, smiley faces are kinda creepy in your first
message.

------
dnautics
Opens with the secretary problem and shows no evidence of actually following
the algorithm.

~~~
gricardo99
I'm guessing because the secretary problem doesn't have this twist:

>Dating is like enterprise sales. When your customer goes for a competing,
more compelling product, you’re never told and you don’t get any feedback.

------
streetdrag
Here in Paris, many people in their thirties are single like me, and many are
on dating sites. I had a lot of dates on a french site called adoptecunmec
unlike Tinder. After manual experiences, I started a script which notified me
when new girls registered on the website, so I could message them before their
inbox would be full. A lot of them were closing their account because of the
insane number of lame messages.

I didn't finish this script because I decided to stop all these dating sites
and focused on street drag. After work, I visit Paris (which I still don't
know well) and talk to girls, as many as I can.

It's successful. I don't have this disapppointment on dates like you have with
online dating, people don't cheat with their pictures. Of course, you take
rakes, you get phone numbers and girls won't respond to you, but at least they
won't next you as fast as online dating people do. Some figures: I would go
out for 2 hours and get 2-3 phone numbers, thanks to weeks of practice.

Please stop online dating and get out, you'll get a pleasant time and this
will be much less time-consuming.

PS:

\- advices on street drag
[https://www.reddit.com/r/seduction/top/](https://www.reddit.com/r/seduction/top/)

\- this youtube guy helped me a lot
[https://youtu.be/DTDrnasfg_g?t=330](https://youtu.be/DTDrnasfg_g?t=330)

------
idlewords
Somewhere out there is a girl spamming the hell out of online dating services,
looking for this dude. Let's hope when their bots meet, they're programmed to
exchange numbers.

~~~
dudul
That would be the most romantic story IMO.

~~~
tpeo
Truly, the romantic comedy for the late 2010s.

Actually, could be a nice quirky film - and profitable too. Romcoms are cheap
to shoot. We're past peak American-romantic-comedy (I think) so the whole
"ugh, not _another_ one" factor might be actually pretty low in 2017. So yeah,
could be pretty nice.

------
notadoc
Not a bad strategy even if it didn't work, dating is often purely a numbers
game.

Meet as many people as possible, be as social as possible, create as many
opportunities to meet new people as possible.

Also if you're a single male and you want to meet a female partner, I'd
recommend moving away from the west coast. The south and midwest have far more
women, and a generally friendlier culture which can make the entire
meeting/dating process a bit easier.

~~~
gorkonsine
The women in the South are generally far more religious and conservative.
West-coast men might not be too interested in that stuff.

The "friendlier culture" of the South thing is a myth. They're not that
friendly to people who don't fit their preferred mold.

Source: grew up in the South. There's a reason so many young people move out
of the South as soon as they can.

~~~
pm90
> The "friendlier culture" of the South thing is a myth. They're not that
> friendly to people who don't fit their preferred mold.

Heh... Ain't that the truth.

Completely anecdotally, I got a LOT more Tinder matches when I was in the
West/East Coast than in my home state of Texas (I'm a Nonwhite Male).

~~~
logfromblammo
Having lived in the South long enough to mildly dislike it, I wouldn't say
that Southerners are _friendly_. They are _polite_ , and only when someone
whose opinion they may care about is around. Midwesterners are more apt to be
friendly, but with far less concern for politeness.

Southern conversation:

    
    
      A:  You know, B, we have been friends for a long time.
      A:  I think you ought to know: I'm homosexual.
      B:  Oh, bless your heart.  Thank you for telling me.
      B:  I'm gonna pray for you, A.
      B:  [never speaks to A again]
    

Midwest conversation:

    
    
      A:  You know, B, we have been friends for a long time.
      A:  I think you ought to know: I'm homosexual.
      B:  No duh.  When was the last time you looked at yourself?
      B:  Why do you think the rest of us call you "Mothball"?
      B:  Stays in the closet, and also stinks.
      B:  Guess we'll have to come up with something else now.
      A:  You're a great friend, Farticus.

------
dizzystar
Any automated process that depends on human interaction is going to fail,
whether it is seeking a job, finding a date.

The big flag here is, after 20 dates, defeat begets defeat. You can't automate
success.

Plus, the profile picture sounds a bit like a lie. Anyone who's done online
dating is familiar with the angels needed to hide body-type. Of course, no one
is going to be happy to see someone who doesn't look like what the photo
envisioned.

------
Danihan
"150 dates without success" \--> what happens when engineering meets the red
pilled world of dating.

~~~
jandrese
Seems like the problem was that his bot didn't filter very well and ended up
matching him with tons of people that he had to instantly reject on the date.

I wonder if there is a mentality problem here too. He had invested so little
into each date that there was little incentive to put in the effort to pierce
the surface and look for common interests.

Going on 150 dates and not finding a single match tells me that you are
shooting outside of your league. Your perfect match could do better than you,
and is already taken anyway.

~~~
notadoc
> Going on 150 dates and not finding a single match tells me that you are
> shooting outside of your league.

Total nonsense attitude. You should never feel "outside of your league" for
many reasons, particularly since you never know who you are compatible with.
Don't be afraid to aim high in a partner.

~~~
jandrese
The flipside is "be brave enough to be alone forever".

If you set impossibly high standards you are just wasting everybody's time.

------
45h34jh53k4j
I find this creepy and weird. How could you possibly tell the love of your
life (if and when you found that person) that they were nothing more than a
toy in your little data harvesting exercise.

~~~
45h34jh53k4j
Also -- here is a good moral thermometer:

"PS: I will not open-source the code since it could be used to hurt people,
but I might share it if you ask nicely."

If you write code for fun (not commercially owned IP), and you are not willing
to share it because 'it could hurt people', you might want to re-evaluate if
you should write it in the first place.

~~~
gorkonsine
Personally I think his approach here was really awful, but for this particular
thing you could argue that the code is OK if used by one person, or a very
tiny number of people, but if it were used by many people it'd be a big
problem. There's a lot of things like that.

------
vinhboy
Wow, the data point about rape is an interesting tangent. I guess with people
like 45 and all the stories from Silicon Valley, it's not that surprising. But
sad none the less.

Maybe we can follow the OP's lead and use technology to automate data
collection around this and come up with better solutions.

------
jared666
Maybe learn how to treat another human like a human and step out of his own
head for a second, might work better than 'engineering' love

~~~
swagasaurus-rex
Platitudes won't teach somebody how to be more dateable.

------
danjoc
Reading this reminded me of a google doodle,

[http://www.doodlehistory.com/2012/valentine-s-day-2012-on-
fe...](http://www.doodlehistory.com/2012/valentine-s-day-2012-on-
feb-14-2012-1420/)

------
Freestyler_3
"how did you meet that guy?" -Ow, he had a bot on tinder and I responded to
it.

Not the most romantic guy, despite his date ideas. Approach a person in public
with a tape recorder, so you can just wind it back and go to the next woman.

------
thomasjudge
There was this a few years ago

[https://www.wired.com/2014/01/how-to-hack-
okcupid/](https://www.wired.com/2014/01/how-to-hack-okcupid/)

------
Karrot_Kream
Sometimes we get so wrapped up in could, that we don't spend the time to ask
if we should.

------
bravura
Slight tangent, but how do you script interaction with a mobile app like
Tinder?

For the web, you use a headless browser. But what about automating interaction
with mobile?

~~~
swiley
People have reverse engineered the API, there are libraries for it on github.

~~~
_e
Bingo. Use wireshark to identify the protocol and if it is http then use
mitmproxy.

------
cJ0th
From solely reading the headline I had no idea how far the author took this.
Kudos for this very interesting piece of "research"!

I am surprised by the horrible outcome, though, since meeting 150 women is
quit a lot. I'd have expected to see at least a short-term relationship coming
out of this. It's almost like those generic (but in no way bad) messages
exclusively attract the "wrong" women.

~~~
Danihan
150 women seems like a lot... but not if you have a persona that turns most
women off.

Women are giving him a chance. He is simply not meeting their expectations of
being fun / exciting / confident / funny / whatever.

------
theparanoid
Step 1, for success, is moving away from the Bay Area.

~~~
notadoc
> Step 1, for success, is moving away from the west coast

FTFY.

I'm not joking either, for straight single men they will certainly have better
odds in the midwest or south. Demographics plus minor cultural differences
matter.

~~~
pm90
Not true. LA definitely has a lot of the kind of women that nerdy engineers
like: career focused, successful, intelligent etc.

------
jyriand
Cant't read the story, submitted link is redirecting to medium.com.

------
Grue3
This is a depressing read. Here we have a "startup founder" (=relatively
wealthy), who isn't that bad-looking, using a complicated script to massively
increase his opportunities and he still can't get a date. Is there even hope
for the rest of us?

~~~
amackera
Haha well he got plenty of dates (150 of them), he just never found that
special someone.

TBH I think his problem was that he didn't quality his leads well enough.

------
wolco
It's like the programmer who applies to 150 jobs. The programmer cannot do the
research on all 150 so the interviews lack the personal connection. Far better
to focus on the 10 you really want do the research and put in the effort to
really wow the interviewer.

~~~
monksy
> Far better to focus on the 10 you really want do the research and put in the
> effort to really wow the interviewer.

Sounds like you haven't been on online dating before.

~~~
wolco
I have and been successful but maybe things have changed in the last 10 years.

You never meet someone right away, first you instant message on the platform.
At some point you move into a chat program offsite and in a month you started
talking on the phone. 6 months later you meet. Over that half year you develop
a friendship when you meet you have tons to talk about. The buildup adds
excitement and unless you look nothing like your picture your looks are
already accepted and seeing you in person increases that attraction.

If you try to rush the process you better have outstanding physical qualities
or great style or money or luck because every relationship needs a base. You
are better off going to a local minecraft meetup. Everyone attending will feel
they have someone in common and you can build off of that.

Start by building a low risk relationship with daily contact points. That will
create the base for a successful friendship which is what you need for a
successful relationship.

~~~
monksy
Things have changed drastically since you've been on there. If you flounder
for more than 2 days you're likely just to get dropped or they'll move on.

Usually I ask the woman out for drinks after 2-4 round trips on messages.

------
tuxguy
The original link seems to be redirecting to medium.com.

This is the correct link, if OP or admin can fix it [https://medium.com/the-
mission/looking-for-the-one-how-i-wen...](https://medium.com/the-
mission/looking-for-the-one-how-i-went-on-150-dates-in-4-months-bf43a095516c)

------
tbirrell
Problem number one, that girl in the opening picture has a ring on her left
hand. Perhaps try again with single girls?

~~~
sillysaurus3
Is it unethical to go out with someone that wants out of their marriage? A
divorce is costly, takes a lot of time, and the relationship is usually dead
long before the papers are finalized.

If there's trickery involved, then sure. But it's not quite so clear-cut.
Where it gets murky is if you don't have a job, you're stuck -- it's very
difficult to leave your marriage without at least attempting to find someone
else before a divorce. But the alternative is to be a slave to your partner's
whims, if the marriage is sufficiently toxic and unsalvageable.

~~~
epmaybe
Even in that case, why wear the ring in the picture? Edit: On second look,
that picture looks to be a stock photo, not one of the dates the author went
on.

~~~
kaybe
Is nobody wearing rings just for fun?

~~~
zhengyi13
I've certainly met people who wear rings specifically to suggest they're
unavailable, or at least cut down on the number of propositions.

------
notyourday
He was solving a wrong problem using a wrong set of tools. He clearly stated
that what he wanted was a walking womb however what he offered in his profile
was something else. No engineering optimization would make someone who wants a
steak happy in a place offering omakase.

------
ourmandave
This is like the reverse version of Ashley Madison fembots.

[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/life/ashley-madison-
admits-...](http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/life/ashley-madison-admits-
tricking-men-with-fake-fembots/)

------
mynegation
That reminded me of my wife's friend who wrote a book[1] about her experience
of outsourcing dating. Being a woman she has the reverse problem of too many
suitors. She outsourced the vetting process and initial conversation to the
hired assistants (yes, plural), with mixed success.

In my experience any kind of scenario where friction is removed (never have
been on tinder, but I would imagine it is even more pronounced than a crowded
bar) leads to that kind of imbalance. One of tradeoffs that might work for
some males is to put themselves into a kind of situations that puts them next
to females for a prolonged amount of time. School, work, and neighbours are
classic, but that also includes dance schools, sports, and frequent parties
with mutual friends. Women are much more likely to spend time with you if they
feel like they already know you a bit.

[1] [http://datingvandalized.com/](http://datingvandalized.com/)

------
patkob
How a Math Genius Hacked OkCupid to Find True Love (wired.com)

[https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7099855](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7099855)

------
patrickg_zill
I think that he needs to improve his conversation skills first.

------
Kenji
Modern dating is a mystery to me. What a laborious and painful way to sift
through people when the most likable people come into your life when you least
expect it.

~~~
notadoc
> when the most likable people come into your life when you least expect it.

There is often truth to that, but you have to put yourself into scenarios
where that is more likely to happen. Be social, meet as many people as
possible, etc.

~~~
the_af
It's doubly difficult for loners and introverts who do not necessarily enjoy
meeting as many people as possible, yet would like a partner to share their
lives with.

------
anotherevan
I love that down in the comments he was asked if any of those 150 dates
resulted in him getting laid, and his response was, "44.7%"

------
pw
It seems like he might have been better off working on his social skills than
his date generating machine.

------
ricardobeat
Looks like the article has now been deleted - it also disappeared from google
amp cache.

------
elterago
if author is reading this - unsolicited advice: hit the gym, lose the gut. As
for the balding head - shave it! Surprising numbers of females dig it.

And kudos for charity donation! Good luck

------
mywittyname
So, when will pydate be available on github?

------
iblaine
This is not creepy at all.

/s

------
apricot
Successful attempt at engineering cringe.

------
angryasian
how did he interact with mobile tinder ?

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ensiferum
Go to south America.latin women are amazing. Feminine smile a lot good looking
and full of flirt. Ofc you need to speak Spanish but it's easy to learn! 8)

~~~
the_af
That's an awful stereotype. Also, there is no "South America"; there are
countries in South America, each with a different culture and dating
strategies, some more traditional and conservative, some less. If you try
dating in a conservative South American country (or city, because yes, it
varies from city to city!), you'll find dating extremely difficult. Source:
I'm from a country in South America.

