
We Found Our Son in the Subway - mccolin
http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/02/28/we-found-our-son-in-the-subway/
======
kirinan
Renews faith in humanity. This belongs on HN, because it really does point out
the humanity that we all want to touch with our development. These are real
people, with real issues, with real emotions, and each one of them may be a
user of our products, using them to improve their lives, their sons lives, or
whatever. Its very important to be able to empathize with people, and be able
to know their stories, this is the only way to build great things that people
love. You can say that this isn't "technical" or "business" related, it is
however very related to human beings and ultimately these "humans" are your
business, your source of profitability. If anything, more articles like these
should be on HN.

~~~
kposehn
Nail.head.hit

------
nopassrecover
Little more detail from 2004:
[http://www.parents.com/parenting/adoption/stories/adoption-s...](http://www.parents.com/parenting/adoption/stories/adoption-
stories-miracle-on-14th-street/)

~~~
justjimmy
Bump this to the top! Definitely more details about the situation, and more
about the awesome judge.

------
tptacek
Sound reasonable to me. That judge is probably a parent. I suspect most
parents understand: if we waited to be "ready", nobody would ever be a parent.
Conventional parents get months and months of notice. If they're like me,
they're still nowhere close to "ready". It's terrifying. But you, and these
guys, and everyone else just do what we've been doing for hundreds of
thousands of years.

~~~
gojomo
Indeed, the judge managed (on an ultra-compressed timescale) to provide this
same-sex couple the same experience of surprise parenthood that alt-sex
couples may have through an unplanned pregnancy.

This principle could be advanced more systematically. That is, perhaps
adoption by same-sex couples should not just be _permitted_ , but _random_ and
_compulsory_. If you're married and of child-rearing age, you might be
assigned a baby!

The agency making the assignments can be called the State Taskforce Organizing
Reproductive Co-equality, or STORC. So when these children ask where they came
from, the happy parents can honestly say, "the STORC dropped you off".

~~~
tommorris
"you might be assigned a baby!"

Oh, please god no.

Not ever having to worry about getting a phone call telling me I've gotten
someone pregnant is right up there on the best-things-about-being-gay list
with watching men's gymnastics at the Olympics and it being okay to own lots
of shoes.

Are you trying to make us miserable?

~~~
MDCore
You know what they say: we're giving you gay marriage so that you can be as
miserable as we are.

------
twstws
This was hard for me to read. I spent four years waiting to adopt a child.Did
almost a year of training and home visits, then waited. And waited. Why does
it take so long? Because we selfishly insisted that we'd only take one ortwo
children. The social workers were not subtle in letting us know that we were
selfish to not want a sibling group of 4 or 5(?!) kids all at once. They made
it absolutely clear that we could not expect to have a newborn, and a child
under 8 was unlikely.

So to hear that, on a hunch, a judge can give a newborn to a couple that had
expressed no previous interest in having kids, wtf. It's a nice story, and I'm
glad that it worked out so well for everyone. But for me it really underlines
how fucked up the system really is.

~~~
ajtaylor
My wife and I also adopted through a state Family Services division. You
probably don't want to hear how we got lucky and got a baby within a few
months... But we did come pretty close to taking a sibling group of 5. The
case worker basically decided she didn't like/want us and that was that. We
were pretty upset at the time, but things often have a way of working out.

The system is massively screwed up, but I hope you can be patient. Being a
parent is worth all the waiting and heartache x 1000!

~~~
salgernon
It's 4am and I'm reading hacker news in the play yard.

I guess without kids it's be 4am and I'd be debugging something.

In only one of these scenarios am I not covered in vomit.

I'm hoping for one of those "what'll you remember later" moments, but right
now I'm remembering a particularly nice day with gdb and otool -tv. Darling
little otool!

~~~
Tichy
The puking phase is only a couple of weeks, really. I think you exaggerate...

~~~
salgernon
Kid is ten months old with a stomache flu, so not really.

Although it is telling that you inferred that the vomit was associated with
the kid, and not the debugging session :-)

~~~
Tichy
Ok didn't think about that... Hope kid gets well soon!

------
jpdoctor
Good god this has nothing to do with HN.

Good god am I glad that it got to the front page so I read it.

~~~
drakeandrews
Ergo it has everything to do with HN.

~~~
StavrosK
Yeah, "what belongs on HN" is basically "what HNers upvote".

~~~
lelandbatey
Indeed, that is in fact very explicitly what belongs on HN. Quoted from the HN
Guidelines:

 _"On-Topic: Anything that good hackers would find interesting. That includes
more than hacking and startups. If you had to reduce it to a sentence, the
answer might be: anything that gratifies one's intellectual curiosity."_

If it "gratifies one's intellectual curiosity, it's totally cool.

~~~
short_circut
If you think about it, it is technically a hack. They sort of hacked the
adoption process. From my understanding usually adoption is significantly more
difficult.

~~~
drakeandrews
I think technically the judge hacked the adoption process.

------
Geekette
Ugh. This yanked a couple of thug tears outta me.

And for those wondering what place this has on HN, I actually read HN for
interesting, often-not-technically-related news.

~~~
robomartin
Yup. Got me too. Beautiful story. Lots of love there.

Neither my wife nor I were ready for any of our kids. I don't think you ever
are. What these guys did was, among other things, down-right heroic. Not
everyone would be open to changing their lives to such an extent by choice.

It's also a wonderful representation of real values found in the gay
community.

This country will be far better off when we start to seriously pull away from
fanatical religiously-motivated phobias, discrimination and down-right
bigotry.

As an atheist I am actually seen as worst than a gay person by the religious
extreme right. I bet you a pile of cash not one of those self-righteous a--
holes would even think about adopting a non-white kid someone found in the
subway.

Anyhow, enjoyed the story. Something socially positive to point to for the
day. And, yes, I think it definitely belongs on HN's front page. Personally,
when I only focus on tech I feel like I become less of a human being. This is
one thing my kids taught me by force over the years.

~~~
bwaldrep
Sorry to nitpick, but these two quotes stuck out at me:

> "I bet you a pile of cash not one of those self-righteous a--holes would
> even think about adopting a non-white kid someone found in the subway."

Having known several families from the religious right who have done exactly
this, I would be happy to accept your pile of cash. There, now we can let my
anecdotal evidence cancel out the hasty generalization.

> "This country will be far better off when we start to seriously pull away
> from fanatical religiously-motivated phobias, discrimination and down-right
> bigotry."

While this may be true, one should not take it as an excuse to indulge in non-
religiously-motivated bigotry.

~~~
andrewem
For instance, the book "The Blind Side" [1] is about a black kid who got
adopted by an evangelical family.

[1]
[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Blind_Side:_Evolution_of_a_...](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Blind_Side:_Evolution_of_a_Game)

------
knodi
My grand-father when he was a young 15 years old farmer found a lost kid on an
Indian train. After search for his parents for years with no luck. He adopted
the lost kid, at the age of 18 he became a father of a 7 year old. Today the
little kid is a retried doctor that resides in New Jersey.

------
mtinkerhess
Great story. Can someone explain why this belongs on HN?

~~~
steverb
Because some stories transcend classification and we have hearts as well as
heads.

~~~
chrisrhoden
I don't think anyone is suggesting that you shouldn't read this story. I
wouldn't expect a story about the latest release of Twitter Bootstrap to show
up in the Wall Street Journal, though, and I don't think it's unreasonable to
expect that the Sports section front page doesn't include stories about a
recent fire, heroic as the firefighters might be.

~~~
ahoyhere
It's strange to me that you are comparing HN to traditional media. Mostly* the
editors of Hacker News are readers. The readers choose what they want to read.
The readers have spoken. It's too bad you disagree with the people who voted
it up, but there's no point in quarreling with the format of HN itself.

* there's quite a bit of anecdotal evidence that moderators killfile individual articles, and we all know certain sites are fully blocked

~~~
mattsfrey
I feel the article has no business here as well, but as it is this format is
fairly democratic and majority rules. If a mod were to kill it many would be
upset and claim overreach, especially since it's popular. Knowing that if it's
both irrelevant AND unpopular it will get downvoted to oblivion is about as
good as it gets. People will always have their gripes, have to compromise
somewhere

------
siscia
Love the story.

When we talk about gay marriage and adoption I always need to query a little
more, especially about the kids.

What's about Kevin ? His life is "perfectly normal" (how stupid is this
expression) ? He is happy ? Does he have problem with his sexuality ?

Do anybody have any experience to share ? Please to be obvious, in neither
way...

(Why this is on HN ? Well, because I believe that HN is one of the best
community on the internet, it is normal that people want to share stories and
ask opinion to other they respect/admire)

~~~
zeidrich
The child is better off than he would have been had he been left in the
subway. Kids need most of all someone who will go out of their way to keep
them safe and healthy.

He had parents who were presumably a man and a woman. They left him in a
bundle in a subway.

He had parents who were a man and a man. They dropped everything in their life
and rearranged it so they could save a stranger's baby who only needed to be
taken care of.

What's the point of even questioning his sexuality? He's prepubescent, he's
not got a problem with his sexuality because he doesn't even have a sexuality.

I do know he will have grown up with parents who were not 'normal', but who
were tolerant enough to sacrifice their whole quality of life for the baby of
a stranger, of another race, of whom they knew absolutely no history. He could
have had fetal alcohol syndrome, he could have been a crack baby, he could
have been broken in many imaginable ways. Instead, they took this baby, they
stood by it even when the 911 operator didn't believe their story, they made
sure it was looked after, and when asked they agreed to raise it without
hesitation.

These are upstanding people. Nothing indicates that homosexuality is
contagious, but even if the kid does end up gay due to his upbringing, then
what of it? It didn't stop his parent's from being upstanding people. Being
straight didn't make his birth parents paragons of virtue.

~~~
kerneis
> He's prepubescent, he's not got a problem with his sexuality because he
> doesn't even have a sexuality.

I agree with the rest of your comment, but that specific sentence... It has
been known for at least a century that children, and even babies, have a
sexuality (which does not mean they have sexual intercourse).

<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychosexual_development>

~~~
jeltz
That article is mostly based on Freud who had little to no scientific basis
for his theories. I do not recommend reading it without also reading up on the
current theories first.

------
iaw
That is an amazing story.

------
ck2
Lovely story but what kind of husband offers to adopt a child without even
previously discussing it his wife?

Great relationship there. This story turned out well only because of her.

BTW this is why many cities now have a law there is no penalty to leave a
newborn at a firestation, yet some cities still resist it.

~~~
gsmaverick
Fyi, I believe this is actually a gay couple given the author's name is Peter
and his partner is named Danny.

~~~
ck2
Oops, my fault for not paying attention to details.

Still, who adopts a child spontaneously without consulting their parter?

The real miracle here is the partner that didn't leave him over it.

~~~
Evbn
In point of fact, quite many babies are conceived against the intent or desire
of at least one parent.

And this adoption wasn't completed until Danny signed on. Someone had to start
the ball rolling.

~~~
ck2
Whoa, this isn't a puppy.

You don't adopt a child when you have a partner without even mentioning to
them, let alone discussing it.

I mean that's insane, and I don't get the downvotes.

Who the hell adopts a kid while in a long-term relationship without even
asking their partner?

It's all good because it turned out okay but seriously who does this? It's a
massive life-changing event. You plan these things, otherwise it shows a
complete lack of respect.

~~~
tptacek
The parallels in this story to unplanned conception in conventional marriages
are so obvious that I wonder if they're deliberate. Many children are brought
into the world under exactly the same emotional/psychological circumstances.

In any case, you didn't read the story carefully enough. They went back to
court, both of them, to confirm they were both willing to adopt. Had the
partner objected, the adoption wouldn't have happened. You're going to have to
find something else to find objectionable in this story. :)

------
gruseom
Pretty hard not to find that touching.

------
ritchiea
Really heart warming. Also makes me wonder how they handled the financial
challenges of raising a child as a young social worker and playwright couple
in new york.

------
RyanMcGreal
Well damn. Now I have to wipe these tears off my keyboard.

------
balabaster
Honestly if there was more of a proliferation of this kind of news instead of
the constant barrage of negativity and fear that is pushed upon us through
mainstream propaganda er... media channels then perhaps we wouldn't need the
TSA with their hands up our butts feeling around for shit that isn't there...
pun intended.

------
paulnechifor
I'm wondering how many upvoted because they found the article worthwhile
versus upvoting because they noticed the author is not a women and that's
what's expected. I say this because to me it looks like it's something that's
off-topic judging by the guidelines.

------
bobwaycott
What an absolutely beautiful story.

------
muriithi
This would never have happened in Kenya where the Children's Act expressly
forbids homosexuals from adopting. Sad.

------
mynameishere
Foundlings are actually fairly common. The only novelty here is that the
adoptive individuals are nontraditional.

------
Taylorious
Good story. Am I the only one who read the title as "We Found Our Son in
Subway?" As in the restaurant.

------
stretchwithme
My theory is that one of the reasons nature makes gay people is so that there
are extra parents.

------
shawndumas
print version

[http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/02/28/we-found-
our...](http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/02/28/we-found-our-son-in-
the-subway/?pagewanted=print)

------
conroe64
What a corny story

~~~
dasil003
If it weren't true...

~~~
conroe64
Fuck off.. I've got a right to my own opinion

~~~
dasil003
Why so hostile? I just thought it was a weird concept to consider something
true to be corny. I'd literally never seen it used to describe anything that
wasn't fiction.

~~~
conroe64
Sorry, I didn't realize what you meant by that. I've expressed dissenting
opinions on tech forums before and had some negative experiences, so I guess I
was overly sensitive about it.

It was more a comment about how the story was expressed and what was said by
those in it. Just as something said can be corny, a joke, a wedding proposal,
etc. imo, an event can be considered corny, if there are a lot of corny things
happening within it, although I'm no expert on the English language.

------
lysium
Touching story!

------
chris_mahan
Excellent!

------
Mz
I don't know why people would say this does not belong here. Social hacking
gets so little respect.

Two thumbs up.

~~~
ianstallings
WTF is social hacking? Such a trendy, useless, word.

~~~
Mz
Figuring out effective social solutions. The article is a great example of the
judge cutting through red tape, a gay couple getting a child without having to
fight social crapola tooth and nail, and culminates with a gay marriage which
couldn't have previously taken place but is now possible. Plus the couple used
the marriage as an opportunity to give some closure to their adopted child. I
think it is brilliant on several fronts. And this social stuff is something a
lot of hackers seem to feel is a personal weak area, so articles like this
potentially have more value for them than for someone like me who already has
good skillz in this area.

But thanks for proving my point that it gets way undervalued here.

~~~
icebraining
But where is the hacking? The judge just used her prorrogative to make
(something great) happen.

~~~
Mz
Social hacking is about getting extraordinary, even "impossible," social
outcomes with a relative light burden of effort or personal cost. To achieve
that, you have to recognize when you are presented with a very rare
opportunity and know how to take advantage of it. People in a position to make
an exception are the exception, not the norm.

The judge was in a position to make an exception. You can have 500 friends
outraged at the injustice of bias against gay couples in adoption. Odds are
poor that any of them can really do anything about it. And a wedding is
possibly the only good excuse to request a judges services for a feel good
reunion. Judges are supposed to be impartial. It is generally inappropriate to
contact them for hugs and the like.

There is quite a lot of brilliant stuff in this article. I am sorry you do not
see it.

------
mrb
It seems to be a fictional story. The author is a playwright and a
screenwriter. No last names are given (except the author), and the desire for
anonymity is not explicitly stated.

I am surprised the NYT Editor did not ask the author to make it clear if it is
a fictional or real story.

~~~
scott_s
It's not. There is a clear byline with the author's full name. We generally
understand that columns in the NYT are not fiction.

~~~
dubfan
<https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jayson_Blair>

~~~
scott_s
That is beside the point - that's an example of someone who lied. mrb is
confused about whether the author is _presenting_ fiction or non-fiction,
independent of wether or not it is true. Of course, we hope and assume that if
the author is presenting non-fiction, then it is, in fact, _non-fiction_ , but
that's an independent point.

