
Asking my co-workers out to lunch - yitchelle
https://ryannjohnson.com/writing/asking-my-co-workers-out-to-lunch/
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gregoriol
It's quite common for developers at least to not enjoy the interactions of a
one-on-one time with a non direct relation (ie. someone you don't know
well/don't have much in common subjects). So while this could be a good idea
sometimes, don't "force" this on people who might not decline but also might
not enjoy.

~~~
Kuraj
As a software developer, it strikes me as odd that this is something that
doesn't somehow happen naturally.

Where I work, a huge portion of employees eats out instead of bringing their
own lunch, so around 12:00 we form into groups and go eat together. Due to
various constraints a lot of the time these groups happen to be the size of 2.

I love it because it's an opportunity to get to know your co-workers on a more
personal level.

~~~
rinchik
It strikes me as odd that people like yourself don't really get developers.
The only reason I'm out of the office is to shake off my tunnel vision and to
try to solve one of the problems I'm working on by changing the environment.
I'm out of the office for the refresher and not to blabber about your noisy
children or your boring life. "Casual" lunches are super annoying and not
productive. Yuck.

Thanks god with seniority comes the power to turn people like yourself down
without any consequences.

~~~
t0mbstone
I believe that going to lunch with co-workers should be an opt-in thing, on
that we agree. If a company _required_ me to go to lunch with co-workers, then
that is technically not a lunch break. That should be considered a "working
lunch", and should count towards your hours logged for the week.

With that said, I think you are missing out on a key point here, which is that
a _HUGE_ part of being an effective programmer within an organization is your
ability to communicate and collaborate effectively with other people.

When you step out of your comfort zone and spend time building casual
relationships with your co-workers, you will discover that your influence
within the organization grows, and you will also find that people tend to be
more empathetic towards you if (and when) you inevitably screw something up.
If someone regards you as a "friend", they are much more likely to extend you
some grace when your bugs cause them inconvenience. You will also find that
they are more eager to pause what they are working on and stop and help you
with things when you need it, or to answer your questions. In a situation
where you _aren 't_ their friend and they _don 't_ stop and help you, you
could easily be looking at days/weeks worth of delays and back and forth while
they are being unhelpful.

Sure, you might be a 10x developer within your little silo, but the moment you
need something outside of the silo, you will find those interpersonal
relationships can often make a huge difference.

~~~
rinchik
Please stop throwing around meaningless generalizations and banalities about
"silos" and "comfort zones".

> Your coworkers with stop helping you because you "didn't go to lunch with
> them, :sad_face:"!

haha that's so silly, so naive, so sentimental! We are not children. And your
office is not a playground. We are professional adults in a professional
setting.

> If someone regards you as a "friend", they are much more likely to extend
> you some grace

Your co-workers are not your friends. Learn the difference, you are not
Michael Scott (I hope).

~~~
t0mbstone
I prefer to work with professionals who also happen to be my friends (or at
least friendly acquaintances who know each other's names).

"Professionalism" doesn't have to be an impersonal facade that people hide
behind. Work is all about meeting commitments and earning money, sure, but at
the end of the day, we are all people, and people have feelings and
frustrations. They have things they love and hate. They like being
acknowledged and appreciated. This doesn't mean they are children and that the
office is a playground free-for-all, though. It just means that your offices
are going to be full of people.

People who, for better or worse, are often just trying to make ends meet, and
are going through the motions at a job they barely stand.

I think you would be surprised at what a difference a little empathy,
kindness, and friendliness in the workplace can do for a company's success,
and also for your own career success (if you try it out).

As a side note, one of the things that really opened my eyes to a lot of this
was from reading Dale Carnegie's famous book, "How to Win Friends and
Influence People".

I highly recommend reading it, if you ever get the chance. I might have an
extra copy that I would be willing to lend you, if you are curious?

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henrik_w
I have a similar experience with sporting activities with people in the
office. Every week at work we get together and play floorball ("innebandy" in
Swedish). It's a mix of people from all departments, and invariably I end up
talking to all of them (especially on the way back to the office). Apart from
having fun playing sports, I now know various people in different departments.
This is good in many ways, not least when you need something done and need to
find somebody to talk to. Of course this only works with people that join the
particular activity. Nevertheless, I've found this "random connections" very
useful.

~~~
passwd
This could be an interesting alternative. Any ideas for a sport that anyone
could enjoy easily? I wouldn't expect most people having fun with a tennis
match for example.

~~~
skinnymuch
I’ve known a few friends join community kickball groups in new cities they
move to. The mix of people I’ve seen in photos and from their descriptions is
definitely mostly younger ages, but spans most demographics within the younger
age range.

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chrisseaton
Must be very expensive eating out every single lunch? Or maybe you can expense
it as a meeting at the author’s company?

~~~
orisho
This is common in Israel where all but the largest companies (FAANG) give you
lunch money instead of free food, so it's a matter of choosing between eating
out or ordering in - the cost is the same.

Facebook also lets engineers (and only engineers, oddly) eat out on
Wednesdays.

~~~
vidanay
"Lets" ??

Since when is a company allowed to dictate where employees can eat?

~~~
chrisseaton
Taking a wild guess here - which you could have done - they probably mean they
Facebook _lets you expense it_ , rather than just _lets you do it_.

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amayne
I think the idea of spending one-on-one time at random is wonderful. It helps
you break unconscious patterns and get to know people you otherwise might miss
out on learning more about.

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leadtech
We developed a cross platform solution called LEAD that connects people for
lunch, coffee and speed mentoring too.(not just via random matching.) LEAD
just graduated from Alchemist Accelerator recently. The bot can be download
from [https://slack.com/apps/ALBRU32RK-
leadbot](https://slack.com/apps/ALBRU32RK-leadbot) Also, if your company
doesn't use Slack, we have an email version for the matching.

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napolux
I did this too in the past. The insights you can get are super valuable. But
don't set a specific agenda. Let it flow, with a "rough" intro of what you
want to achieve from these lunches.

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seth_tr
Google has an internal tool that pairs people for lunch for the same reason.
It's fun to see what makes people excited on other teams or to run problems
your team is facing by them.

~~~
leadtech
Many companies know it is important to build tools like that. Google has been
onto those things since 2006. :)

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simonhfrost
I tentatively added the slack bot 'Donut' mentioned in my company because I
was starting to see a divide between the two colocated offices. I was
pleasantly surprised to see over 60% participation, and people personally
thanked me for setting it up. Yet another reminder to me how important
communication is!

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hycaria
I cherish one on one encounters, especially with people you're accustomed
with, but never really spent time getting to know.

Although my favorites are done travelling, which works with a walk long enough
too. Inevitably you're breaking the silence.

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njsubedi
On a side note, the whole website looks pretty interesting to me.

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YesSureThing
Don't do it one-on-one: you are exposing yourself to false harassment
allegations. A single one can ruin your career.

~~~
orisho
Not really. If you're particularly panicky and feel like you won't know where
to draw the line (I feel like if you're asking someone for lunch because you
don't really know them, the line is really obvious), then just avoid
complimenting looks or clothing and touching. Really no way to go wrong if you
avoid those.

Also, if the person does not respond positively (and I don't mean they respond
negatively, but if they say no for whatever reason), don't ask again. They now
know you want to and will let you know when they're free, and once they do,
even if you're the one whose busy, you'll know you're not bothering them.

At least in Israel, lunch is regarded as inherently acceptable in a
professional setting, since it's in the middle of the workday, even if you're
eating out. Generally I'll only ask people to meet on their personal time if I
feel like we know each other well enough and they like me back, otherwise it's
an inconvenience -- asking for somebody's personal time is a big ask. With the
opposite sex, I find it's really hard for a simple invite for dinner or beer
to be misconstrued as an advance. It also helps that the vast majority of
female engineers I know are in a relationship, so that makes my intent
blatantly obvious.

~~~
emmanuel_1234
OP is talking about false allegation, you're explaining how to avoid real
allegation.

