
I'm 23, An Entrepreneur, and Fucking Terrified.  - zhamilton89
https://medium.com/p/6cfbf7e256b3
======
untog
I don't like judging people based on their age. It seems like a really blunt
instrument that unfairly groups people together who do not belong there. But
as someone who is only just pushing 30, I can say that you are talking the
same kind of nonsense I did in my early 20s.

 _" To all of the people who say that the best thing to do is get a good job,
buy a nice house, and to put the max into a 401k that the company will match:
Fuck you. It’s not what I want. Mediocrity is worse than failure."_

Mediocrity is not worse than failure. Try being homeless. Except when you say
'failure' you mean "maybe I'll have to move back in with my parents". You have
an enormous safety net allowing you to be so disdainful of "mediocrity", don't
take it for granted.

Stop romanticising driving yourself into the ground. Stop thinking you are
better than your peers that have "sold out" by taking (gasp) jobs. It sounds
like you've lived life very much on your own terms until now, but life doesn't
work that way indefinitely. At some point you have to make compromises in
order to achieve what you want. Deal with it.

Take a job as a developer. You'll make good money. Make sure it _isn 't_ for a
demanding startup. Something that guarantees exiting the office at 5pm every
day. Then go home and work on your startup. Plough your free time into your
startup, and when you have enough of a ramp you can quit your day job and
transition to the startup full time.

You are not a unique butterfly that is owed the opportunity to only ever do
exactly what you want.

~~~
prawks
To back up your point, in what world is having a good job, nice house, and
large retirement savings "mediocre"?

~~~
mathattack
When you come from the country club life (first paragraph) it is indeed
mediocre.

I'll toss in the counterpoint that having kids that are thrilled to see you,
even if you live in a tiny apartment, is anything but mediocre.

The OP seems to have a lot of priorities out of whack.

~~~
mindcrime
_To back up your point, in what world is having a good job, nice house, and
large retirement savings "mediocre"? reply_

 _When you come from the country club life (first paragraph) it is indeed
mediocre._

I would consider that mediocre as well, and I grew up about as far from
"country club" life as you can get. As in, dirt-poor, below-the-poverty-line,
white-trash from rural southeastern NC.

Of course, some of that is that we constantly raise the bar for ourselves
(well, I do anyway). Maybe the scenario above would have sounded like heaven
to me when I was 20, but it doesn't now. Just the "job" part gives me the
creeps. I, for one, don't want a traditional "job" at all. My standard of the
line between mediocre life and successful life involves a big element of being
able to control my own fate to a greater degree, and some ability to call my
own shots. Translated, that means running a company I own, not working for
somebody else.

 _The OP seems to have a lot of priorities out of whack._

Meh. Who are we to judge? A person's priorities are their priorities... there
is no "right" or "wrong" on this.

~~~
mathattack
I would argue that having your own company just shifts the control from your
boss to your customers. The one difference is you now have more control over
resources.

~~~
AnIrishDuck
My dad, the sole attorney in his private practice firm, put it this way: "When
you work a job, you have one boss. When you own a company, you have hundreds."

------
JonFish85
"To all of the people who say that the best thing to do is get a good job, buy
a nice house, and to put the max into a 401k that the company will match: It’s
not what I want. Mediocrity is worse than failure."

Cool. Then if/when you want to retire and have no savings, don't go dipping
into my 401k. I'm 100% for you making your decisions and wish you nothing but
the best. But when it's time to pay the piper, your kids are getting ready for
college and you have to tell them you can't afford to help them at all, you
live with that.

Obviously there's a case where you hit the jackpot and become insanely
wealthy. I wish this for you, but reality is that it probably won't happen.

Live with your decisions, for better or worse. But in 15 years, let's not be
having a conversation where you're whining about not being able to afford a
house, or not being able to pay for your kids' college, etc. And when you go
to retire, please don't vote for taxes being raised on my 401k to pay for your
retirement.

------
visakanv
I relate to you a lot, so if I'm harsh towards you I'm really just being harsh
to myself.

You're not really saying anything. You're describing your emotional state, but
that's it. You say you're afraid, but you're not actually getting to the root
of your fear. Sure, you don't want mediocrity. Who does, anyway? (Rhetorical
question.)

Is this just a pep-talk? If so, all the best to you, live long and prosper,
focus, work hard, all that good stuff. But I have a feeling that you have
something you want to be addressing, but you're not actually doing it.

I'm 23 too. I'm married to my childhood sweetheart and we have a home. I have
a great job doing marketing in a tech firm. Her heart's desire is to travel.
I'd like to take her around the world, and write novels and essays about
whatever MY heart desires. But I too have bills to pay (and my job's awesome,
anyway, so what's my problem?) And I too am afraid that my ambitions and
vision for myself and reality might not be easy to swallow, and/or that I
might hurt people along the way. I've already cut ties with some of my closest
friends.

Here's a guess that's going to sound a little pessimistic, but it's just a
guess and I could be totally wrong, and it's more about me than it is about
you- but I think you're going to find yourself returning to this exact same
position several times.

Not sure why I'm writing this, being messy and jumbled and all, but it's
probably the same reason why you wrote your post. So, uh, here it is.

Life's crazy. You're crazy. I'm crazy. Cheers to that. Once you're done
analysing and reviewing your emotional state, though, don't forget to get
around to doing the work- because that's what actually matters, and that's
what people will actually want to read about, pay you for, etc. That's the
real legacy you'll build.

~~~
oinksoft
Getting married, particularly when you're the primary earner, does an awful
lot for your perspective. You can't be so cavalier as the author when somebody
depends on you to put food on the table, and that's usually a good thing
(especially in terms of relating to the rest of the world that is wrapped up
in family life).

~~~
visakanv
That it does. It almost immediately made me realize how much of my earlier
thinking was narcissistic, romanticized, self-entitled bullshit.

I'm finding this an interesting position to be in now, because I completely
relate to OP, but I also... don't. It's like hearing a teenage boy telling you
how much he's well and truly in love with a girl he met that afternoon. You
don't want to falsely encourage him, but you don't want to cruelly discourage
him either... just trying to be helpful in some way, if that's in any way
possible. Cause I think I could've used some help then.

------
edw519
Being an "Entrepreneur" is about one thing only: solving others' problems.
Everything else is window dressing or worse, diversions.

This rant includes all kinds of stuff about "me", "my life", "my philosphies",
"my problems", "my future", "my", "my", "my"...

Where's mention of others, their problems, and the solutions?

OP may call himself "An Entrepreneur", but supplies no data to support that
claim. Sadly, an all-too-often recurring theme these days.

------
david927
Oh god. Don't do this. Don't go out like a meteor. It's romantic and
exciting... and stupid. There's a time when every doctor has to look at the
clock and call the time of death, and you have to do that for your startup.
Remember the "be honest with yourself" rule? It's part of that. Be brave.

To give up is not defeat; it's rallying. Maybe at Accenture you'll learn your
future customers, find something to enhance, or exploit. You don't know. But
above all you have to be honest with yourself and why you wanted this: are you
the driver and the company the car, or are you the car and the company the
driver?*

*In other words, is the company what is trying to be delivered and you're just taking it there, or do you want to go somewhere and the company is the means to do that.

------
epa
If you are really going to devote 100% of your time you can't have this
mentality. Typical white, wealthy, suburban nerd who identified himself by his
possessions and not by his accomplishments. To be an entrepreneur you have to
be fearless, you need to realize the risk and mitigate, you need to identify
your weakness and strengthen it. Enough of this I have everything and im
scared of losing it mentality, stop crying, you will be fine.

An entrepreneur must have heart and passion. If you have time to think about
these things your not busy enough. Focus on your business and the problems
your business faces. YOU are the business. you life should be the business.
Your personal problems don't matter. run and don't look back. Do not compare
yourself to anyone but your competitors. Be strong, live on.

------
mathattack
Reading the title my first thought is, "You should be."

Reading the first paragraph I think, "Here's a spoiled brat complaining"

When I read, "We move higher, we fly faster, we get meaner." I start to lose
sympathy. It's another of "Woe unto me, the underappreciated superstar from
the country club."

------
ironchef
What's wrong with 9 to 5ing, learning more, and doing your own thing on your
own time for a while. There's NOTHING wrong with that. Don't buy into the
romantic notion that you have to give 110% to your startup or it's not worth
doing. Pragmatism is ok. Pragmatism is not mediocrity. Don't confuse the two.
There's a lot of hyperbole and rhetoric in the startup world. Don't buy into
it. Plenty of startups have been launched (and done well) in people's "off
time".

~~~
niuzeta
I am young, just out of university, had a passion for writing, did a major-cs-
minor-literature.

Now I do 9 to 5, and write after work. Life is good for me and I am happy
because I love my work and after-work.

The purist obsession that you need to be 100% devoted to something is beyond
me, but like I said, I am happy and know that I am happy because I knew this
would make me happy.

The OP has a different opinion of happiness, and it's his happiness, and I
don't find it offensive.

~~~
frenchy
It's not so much his opinion of happiness, but his looking-down on other
opinions of happiness.

~~~
niuzeta
exactly. that's why I'm rather unsettled by the article. However, I've seen a
little too many of young-and-ambitious kinds that I've gotten used to them by
now. Whether that's a good thing or bad is not for me, though.

------
freyr
> _The idea of three twenty-somethings in a studio apartment, writing code and
> eating ramen is romantic to entrepreneurs._

Really? Maybe to aspiring entrepreneurs in their teens and very early
twenties, that sounds romantic. To everyone else, that likely sounds awful.

You're 23. You don't really know anything yet. Maybe a little, but not much.
You're parents aren't in charge now, you're out of school, and now you're
going to learn about life. And you're arriving at the same realizations that
most people do around that age. You're figuring out that living your dream has
real costs. You're figuring out that your adult relationships will suffer,
hard. You'll see your peers move up the corporate ladder, and it'll feel like
you're just watching from the sidelines. And if you go the 9-5 (let's be
honest, more likely an 8-6), they're going to be your boss someday.

But you're also 23. You're incredibly young, and you still have time to mess
up. And you'll have the rest of your life to run the rat race, if that's what
you one day choose.

So stop stressing, but do get your priorities straight. You'll need to work
within the constraints set by your priorities.

The biggest constraint might be your relationship. It's normal that your
girlfriend doesn't share in your dream of ramen noodles and Three Buck Chuck.
And it doesn't get easier, especially if she wants kids. If you're in a
promising relationship, maybe you're realizing that it matters more to you
than your work. On the other hand, relationships come and go, often
unpredictably. You have to figure out how to handle that for yourself.

Good luck!

~~~
speeder
I am 25, eating ramen, living with lots of people in a cramped house, and
seeing my money get burned paying debts.

I have a startup because lack of choice (here in Brazil programmers are very
badly paid, and I don't figured yet how to move... most countries has some
weird requeriment or another that I cannot meet).

It is not romantic at all, it suck.

5 years ago my dream was have a 9-5 job, a house, a wife and kids. This proved
kinda impossible here...

Now my dream is become absurdly rich and own a farm... And I have that dream
because since I was forced into a risky situation, I plan in failing, or
having great rewards... I had no choice in having a risk, but since I have
lots of risk, at least I can choose to really go for it...

But I am sure, that if I could have a 9-5 job, house and wife, I would be
perfectly happy.

------
camworld
I'm not sure I see the fucking point of using fucking swear words.

~~~
Xcelerate
Normally I don't upvote posts like yours but I did here. I'm not sure why
every article on Medium (that I see posted on HN) has to have that word in the
title. Eventually it just loses its impact. Maybe it's to grab attention, but
then I would say more thought needs to go into the headline anyway.

~~~
RyanZAG
I think the swearwords are particularly fitting here. Using swear words for no
good reason is a decent indicator of immaturity, and this rant is one of the
more immature things I've read lately. Some type of entitled flailing, so much
so that he actually believes he can force his reality on the world.

------
ulisesrmzroche
TLDR from your favorite slush-pile-as-a-startup: It's an entitled WASP
roughing it at the country-club and whose startup isn't working whining about
how terribly unfair life - but FUCK THE NORMIES!

You have to learn when to fold them, my dude. Better to say here ran a coward
than here died the brave.

------
zwieback
I read your other posts - I think you're right to be terrified.

~~~
csdrane
+1

@zhamilton89:

You've written a lot where you identify as being an entrepreneur, but I can't
find anything you've written on what you're working on. Your other pieces for
medium seem to avoid answering this question. What is your project's goal?

------
fennecfoxen
"To all of the people who say that the best thing to do is get a good job, buy
a nice house, and to put the max into a 401k that the company will match: Fuck
you. It’s not what I want. Mediocrity is worse than failure."

Hey, man, if that's not what you want, that's cool and all, but I'm just going
to defend myself and my buddies with good jobs and stuffed 401(k)s: There are
other things besides Business that matter to people. For instance, I'd rather
be a middling-to-decent family-man than a wildly successful entrepreneur, any
day of the week.

There's a lot to give up in pursuit of your dreams, whether that dream is
family or success or artistic fulfillment or travel... Sometimes you can
choose to have some of column A and some of column B at the expense of being
"mediocre" (or at least not-99.999th-percentile) at both - but maybe sometimes
that leaves you a better person overall.

Anyway. Whatever floats your boat; just don't be too down on the rest of the
world's strategies or anything

~~~
mgkimsal
More to the point, most 'wantrepreneurs' rely on customers being in the middle
class or higher, and having discretionary incomes from their stuffed 401ks to
spend on their product/service/Saas/etc. To call that lifestyle 'mediocrity'
and insult the very people that you need to grow your business is beyond the
pale.

Just wait until he starts hiring people. He'll _need_ those people who are
satisfied when their work life is 'mediocre' by his terms.

Silicon Valley startup porn is harmful to many people, and I think the OP
might be one of the harmed.

~~~
mindcrime
_To call that lifestyle 'mediocrity' and insult the very people that you need
to grow your business is beyond the pale._

FWIW, I think "mediocre" is relative and very personal. A stable job, a modest
house, a 401(k) with some money in it, etc., would be mediocre for me, because
that just isn't what I want. But I would never argue that it's mediocre in any
universal or objective sense. Whether someone's life is mediocre or not is
entirely relative to _their_ ambitions, goals, and priorities.

So if you ever hear me describe that kind of life as mediocre, know that that
only means it isn't the kind of life I aspire to.

In fact, I go home sometimes to visit my best friend... he works as an over
the road truck driver, doesn't make a ton of money, has a modest home, etc.,
but has a great wife and three kids. I would never call his life mediocre, and
I'm even jealous in certain regards at times. I'll even be the first to say
that he has accomplished more than I have in a lot of ways, while I'm off
chasing entrepreneurial dreams and big ambitions.

 _Silicon Valley startup porn is harmful to many people_

No doubt. But for some of us, it's not just "I want to be rich". I mean, I
joke about a lot of things (search for my old posts here mentioning the word
'Maserati' for example), but the real driver for me is the need to be free. I
want to run my own company and have plenty of money, just for the degree of
freedom that entails. I can't stand the idea of having a "boss" in the
traditional sense, somebody who can come in and order me around and keep me
under his thumb. I want "FU money" because I want the freedom to say "FU" and
go do what _I_ want to do. But that's just a reflection of my self-centered,
radical individualist, libertarian nature.

~~~
mgkimsal
"I want to run my own company and have plenty of money,"

There are plenty of ways you could be 'free' without owning a company. We all
need FU money, but if 'freedom' is the ultimate goal, you could reduce your
wants and probably have FU money after a year or so at a decent job, then move
to some asian island and live decently off the interest.

That's not the 'freedom' most of us aspire to though. :)

~~~
mindcrime
_There are plenty of ways you could be 'free' without owning a company._

Oh yeah, no doubt. That's the problem with engaging in too much reductionism
in conversations like this. Human motivation is always more complex than just
one or two things. I want to build a startup for other reasons than just
financial independence, for sure. I guess the way I'd put it is:

"Founding a startup and growing a successful, profitable company seems - to me
- to be the best path to satisfying a large number of my goals and ambitions
and priorities, to an adequate degree, without compromising any of my
fundamental principles".

Or think of it as an optimization problem... my calculations optimize the
system of equations best by starting a company, based on what I know right
now.

~~~
mgkimsal
BTW, are you ever back in NC?

~~~
mindcrime
Oh yeah, I've been back since mid June, modulo a two week trip to Miami that I
just returned from. I'm sitting at the Barnes & Noble at New Hope Commons now,
writing this. :-)

We should get together again sometime soon, and do lunch or drinks or
something. Shoot me an email or give me a call and let's see what we can line
up.

------
orionblastar
Never give up, don't end your life. Failure is a part of life, we humans learn
from our mistakes. If you ever read "Dune" or watched the movie "Fear is the
mind killer." and it makes a lot of sense that statement.

I am 45, and I am having a hard time. I am flat broke, disabled, and 100K in
medical debt. No startups want to hire me, nobody wants to help me, and I did
a great job when I was working and did two startups of my own.

[http://www.greatdox.com/documentaries/](http://www.greatdox.com/documentaries/)
I want to do documentaries on various topics because I faced a lot of stuff in
my life and I don't want to see others suffer as I have, as I have seen many
others suffer. Know that you are not alone. I have software I want to develop
as well.
[http://www.greatdox.com/software/](http://www.greatdox.com/software/)

~~~
surfmike
"No startups want to hire me, nobody wants to help me" \--> why does your
profile then say "I am not looking for work, or joining a startup" ?

~~~
orionblastar
because I am going through a period of healing. Before I ended up on
disability nobody wanted to hire me or let me join a startup. I had just been
in a hospital recently and almost had a stroke and heart attack with high
blood pressure, and found I have a defective heart valve. I had to take some
time off to heal.

What I am trying to do is side-projects on my own. If you think I can better
do that by joining a startup and getting work, I can change my status. But I
had tried for over a decade and got nothing, before I put that status up.

~~~
surfmike
Ah ok. Best of luck. Side projects make great portfolios too, I hope they work
out for you, or otherwise they can be a great thing to show future potential
employers.

~~~
orionblastar
Well if I cannot find work, I'll keep working on side projects until I can
find work.

------
dc_ploy
I work to live, and not live to work. I'm that 22 year old sucker that took a
job as a developer out of college making 65k+. I work at a great company and
am surrounded by people smarter than me. It's a comfy job and enough to pay
rent and take my gf out for vacation. Screw me right?

------
mbesto
Been there, done that. Welcome to the club buddy! Name a prominent successful
entrepreneur and there's a VERY good chance they've felt the same exact way
you do. Yes, even Steve f'n Jobs.

As an entrepreneur I often have people (who are 9-5'rs) saying to me "that's
awesome you're doing it on your own. I'm so envious". Yet, they have no idea
the sacrifices that are required to make it on your own. The reality is that
they are scared shitless to do it themselves. Take pride in knowing you are
doing something 95% of the "comfortable" population in the world are scared as
hell to do themselves.

Feel free to get in touch (contact in profile) if you wanna talk things
through over Skype.

------
agibsonccc
Taking a job temporarily isn't the end of the world. Everyone needs an income
of some kind. The only key to this is persistence. If you want it bad enough
"giving in" won't affect you. It's taken me a few years to figure out what I
want to do all while learning what a business is, how sales work, and
everything else that's involved. Do it for the journey, not the end result.
There's nothing romantic about it. Independence comes at a cost: risk. Look at
what you're doing objectively and you'll do fine. No matter how invincible you
might feel in your 20's, failure is going to happen anyways. It's how you roll
with the punches that will determine whether you come out on top or not. In
the end everyone's goals are different. Many people are happy with getting a
job somewhere. The rough and ramen lifestyle isn't for everyone. Many people
just want to have a family, and frankly there's nothing wrong with it.

Source: I'm 23 too, but I don't pretend to be awesome. I'm just a stubborn kid
looking to achieve something and getting by however necessary.

------
graeme
A lot of people rightly point out the melodrama in this post, and that the OP
has it better than he realizes.

There's still some truth here. I'm 28, and doing ok now. I'm financially
stable, and have 2K a month in recurring revenue + what I earn from short term
engagements.

My peers now think what I'm doing is cool, and my parents now appear to accept
that I'm not a hobo.

But, for the first year and a half, it was very tough emotionally. I was doing
fine materially, but earning far less than I would have from a job.

I knew that what I was working on had potential. In fact, my short term (6-12
month) predictions were pretty spot on.

But that was based on my understanding of my niche. Others couldn't see inside
my head. It was very, very hard for my parents to see that what I was doing
would be worthwhile.

Now that I have externally verifiable metrics of success, it is much easier to
convince people that what I'm doing is a good idea.

That in turn makes my work easier. I always felt that what I was doing was
worthwhile. But it's a lot easier to work on something when your peers agree
with your assessment.

------
cko
I'm only 27 myself, so I don't have much wisdom to share, but...

You did say that living your well-off lifestyle costs very little.

"I want to give the same unwavering devotion to my children as my parents gave
to me, but I want to do it in a way that does not lead to living paycheck to
paycheck."

You wouldn't be living paycheck to paycheck if you accepted a job. I'm a
pharmacist. It's OK money - I'm sure software developers can get more. You can
build up savings and investments for a few years while developing some
projects on the side. This gives you breathing room. It seems like you're
walking a tightrope right now - with fear of losing what you already have
(girlfriend, material stuff) and fear of this idea you call "mediocrity"
pushing you along.

At this point no one's going to write an epic poem about my life. I'm arrogant
enough to hate "mediocrity" as well, but it's a small price to pay for peace
of mind.

------
itsallbs
I remember when I was this dramatic. I have no doubt that the emotions he
experiences are very real, but he has no frame of reference to see all this
for what it is: not really a big deal. If he fails, it sounds like he has a
safety net and support to get on his feet and try again. There's no shame in
being "mediocre" and having a 9-5 as long as he doesn't get complacent and
lose his drive.

Any decent entrepreneur, however, is not going to lose that drive and desire.
I know I haven't, and I've yet to achieve what this kid has. Even if he fails,
he tried. He'll learn a ton and will be better-equipped for the next go-round.

------
codegeek
Like untog said, I don't like judging people based on their age as well. But
here is the reality. A 20 year old even if a superstar entrepreneur has not
experienced the ups and downs of life enough as a 30 year old. (I am 32) A 30
year old not the same like a 40 year old and so on...

If the OP wants to be free, it comes with a cost. Plain and simple. Don't want
to be like your friends who have 9-5, a wife, a kid ? Thats fine. But be
willing to pay the price for it as well.

I only want to say this "There is a cost and price for _everything_ you
do/want in your life". You decide what is worth to you.

------
ajiang
If this were written by an aspiring actor, refusing to live a life of non-
fame, putting his family and loved ones through hardship because he refuses to
take that steady job, how much differently would this be perceived?

------
ebbv
And a kindly "Fuck you." for calling those of us who choose to work "normal"
jobs mediocre and sell outs. You're a douche. Here's hoping you grow up.

------
niuzeta
You seem to be romanticizing a little too much to be realistic, yet you seem
to be realistic enough to assess the current situation.

My advice is to lower your expectation a little. A mediocrity is better than a
total failure. Consider achieving mediocrity _the_ failure, which you would be
willing to take before aiming for the big thing, again. Try living homeless
for a week, and you'll know.

We're young and sometimes the balance between the ideal and the real can be
stammering to hold.

------
7Figures2Commas
If you're 23, an entrepreneur, fucking terrified _and have time to write about
it_ , you're doing it wrong.

------
brianbreslin
A lot of times I wonder if people become entrepreneurs because they think its
this fun lifestyle? Or do they think its an instant path to riches? Or do they
fear a 9-5 job? Or are they doing it for the reason I do it: to create
something?

Psychologists could have a field day with entrepreneurs.

------
mgkimsal
"The Dip", referenced in this article, is something I've had a lot of people
recommend to me, yet (seemingly) goes 100% against the "fail fast" mentality
also espoused by many others. Any thoughts on how/if these are reconciled?

------
JT123
Go read this to find what it could be
[http://www.therodinhoods.com/forum/topics/commitment-to-
win](http://www.therodinhoods.com/forum/topics/commitment-to-win)

------
dkrich
Where is the mention of his business? I don't have any clue what he is
actually trying to build.

If there is no business, this article should be titled "I'm 23 and Fucking
Terrified of Hard Work."

------
capkutay
Does anyone know what company the writer of this article started?

------
willholloway
I've been there, Zach and I feel your pain. The furiously maddening aspect of
the entire ordeal is just how little money you actually need to be free, and
how the lack of that little bit of money can wreak havoc on your entire life
and nervous system.

Oh what wonders could be conjured with a soothing $2500 per month trust fund
deposit! How quickly things could move forward, with doubt and existential
dread erased!

Sadly, we are just well educated serfs holding the arrogant pretense that we
can become lords. We can, but its not going to be easy.

So I feel you, and I read what you wrote carefully and I sympathize so here is
my advice.

I would suggest recalibrating your concept of what is old. 23 is incredibly
young. Forget about what your friends are doing. Half those guys getting
married and having kids young are wishing they were free like you are right
now.

This experience will teach you some things, but what doesn't kill you doesn't
necessarily make you stronger. More likely it causes burnout and the dwindling
of your dendrites.

I wouldn't prolong it for romantic notions.

Consider pivoting towards becoming cowboy auxiliary engineering help for
companies that already have revenue. You can retain your freedom and get much
needed cash.

This is what I have done, and put my own product visions on hold. It is quite
good. I retain my freedom and people send me large sums via paypal. It is a
strategic retreat. Sometimes you advance ahead of your supply lines and
strategy dictates a pause.

Also, ignore your guilt about not taking your girlfriend out more.

Don't move. I was living in a penthouse studio apartment in Boulder and I
thought a move to Austin would be worth it to lower expenses. The time and
stress of the move was is no way worth it.

Depending on where you live, sell your car. The faster you do this the better.
It is the most expensive non critical thing that you own.

Think of the one thing you can do today to bring in $5000 and do that.
Godspeed, you crazy bastard. You're probably just insane enough to pull this
heist off and cheat your capitalist oppressors out of the smug satisfaction
they have when you stay in your place.

------
lutusp
Quote "A business partner that compliments my skills perfectly."

No, in point of fact, he _complements_ your skills perfectly.

~~~
AlisdairSH
"Hey Zach, you could sell ice to Eskimos!" "Hey Zach, you're a visionary the
likes of whom we haven't seen since Steve Jobs!"

------
6d0debc071
"If at first you don't succeed try, try, try again. And then quit, no point in
being bull-headed about it."

------
mindcrime
Good stuff. I'm with you Zach. Except I'm 40, so I feel slightly different
forms of terror than you do. And I don't have the beautiful, intelligent
girlfriend. Or a motorcycle.

 _To all of the people who say that the best thing to do is get a good job,
buy a nice house, and to put the max into a 401k that the company will match:_

    
    
        When I was a young boy 
        They said you're only gettin' older 
        But how was I to know then 
        That they'd be cryin' on my shoulder 
        Put your money in a big house 
        Get yourself a pretty wife 
        She'll collect your life insurance 
        When she connects you with a knife [1]
    
    
    

_Fuck you. It’s not what I want. Mediocrity is worse than failure._

Yeah, absolutely. I've tolerated mediocrity for too much of my life, due to a
misguided faith in the old saws "patience is a virtue" and "good things come
to those who wait", etc.

So now I'm on the cusp of "old", and have a startup that I have a lot of
confidence in (but, then again, entrepreneurs almost have to have an
irrational level of confidence and optimism!), but the terror of basically
having to acknowledge "this is probably my last 'at bat'".

If this doesn't succeed, by the time we fail, I think I'll be too old and too
tired to bother trying again. That means I write off all hope of living the
life I really want to live. At that point, I doubt I'll see much point in
living, so I kinda expect that if it happens, I'll load my car up with booze,
and head to Vegas to drink myself to death, ala Nick Cage's character in
_Leaving Las Vegas_.

 _Can we make it while living modest lifestyles? I think yes. It will be hard,
but fuck… it’s going to be hard anyway._

I think so, but, speaking as an "older guy", I'll just say this: be aggressive
as fuck about pursuing your dreams. And if you're going to sacrifice a bit and
do some element of the "entre-monk" thing, it's probably more tolerable in
your 20's than in your 30's, or (worse) your 40's. I'm not saying you have to
do the entre-monk thing, mind you. But I am saying that you probably can't
afford to coast, and do too much playing around being patient.

 _I am starting to truly understand why the people that seem to make the best
entrepreneurs are empirically unstable. You can’t go into this shit with a
sane disposition._

Agreed.

[1]:
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUkqBRC1zUA](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUkqBRC1zUA)

------
jstalin
Still takes about 5 seconds for me to see anything render other than the "M"
in the corner.

------
adeptus
You wrote all that at 23? You should be writing for a living! Forget code,
write in English.

~~~
mjhea0
i agree - the writing is amazing. you did such a great job of conveying a lot
of what i feel on a daily basis. i'm 30, and i work freelance. i rarely sleep.
very little social life. it amazes me on a daily basis that i somehow still
have friends - and a girlfriend - considering how much i neglect those around
me in favor of doing what i love. where is the balance? i, too, want a wife
and kids someday.

anyhow, great piece. as long as you can live another day, the opportunity is
there for something big to happen. i've gone from the lowest of lows to the
highest of highs in a matter of a few hours.

perhaps reframing what success really is would help. i know how hard that can
be, though. take it easy on yourself. not many people can do what you're
doing. measuring yourself to those living a so-called "normal" lifestyle is
unfair to yourself. you've chosen a different path, a path that, believe me,
many would love but are too scared to make.

------
coin
I really wish that medium.com would not disable pinchzoom on iOS devices.

