
Ask HN: How do you deal with the death of a loved one? - smithmayowa
I lost my father this Monday 19th June and I&#x27;m pretty much very very sad yet being the first born I feel I have to be strong for my siblings and mother and I don&#x27;t know how to, so I would appreciate tips from those who have passed through something like this.
======
dmitri1981
I lost my son my last year. The most important thing that helped my partner
and I get through things was being very open with each other regarding how we
felt about what happened. Sometimes the natural instinct may be to bury
emotions for fear of upsetting your loved ones. Instead talk to them about
their feelings and experiences. That will help all of you understand what you
are feeling and know what you need to do to support each other. Also, take
things one step at a time. Grieving is slow process, take your time and
acknowledge it. It's ok to feel sad, don't rush to escape it. The healing
process takes time and the most important thing is that you and your family
are there for each other.

------
tj-teej
Today was my Mother's Birthday, she passed away three years ago from a Brain
Tumor. At the time (and still now) I didn't know how to deal with it, and
having two younger siblings I felt a responsibility to be strong for them. The
only obligation you have is to be there for them when they need you. Don't
underestimate the value of making them a meal, going to the grocery store with
your Mom, the little things go a long way at times like these.

All I can say, and I know it sounds cliche, but time really does heal wounds.
You will still be sad when you think about your father, but the panging
inescapable fear and pain that you're experiencing now WILL subside.

The only advice I have is to go easy on yourself, don't try and "hold
yourself" to any standards, some days will be harder than others, but you WILL
experience joy again, even if you literally can't imagine it.

------
novia
Disclaimer: I have not lost anyone this close to me yet, but I have been
through several extended family deaths.

I think you need to know that it is ok to grieve. No one is going to think
less of you for crying at the funeral, in fact, doing so shows just how much
you loved and cared for your father. Let other people comfort you.

However, if you're dedicated to this idea of showing strength, you can do your
part to help with the organization of everything necessary as a result of your
father's passing. Is the funeral already arranged? Did someone write the
obituary and get it published? How is your mom holding up? Can you get a
casserole over to her house?

Finally, talk to your mom about all the financial stuff. She probably had
several joint accounts with your dad that will be frozen when they hear about
his passing. Documentation will need to be submitted so she can get the assets
into her name only. All of the accounts that were only in his name with no
beneficiaries listed will go into his estate. Every estate gets assigned an
executor, and it will probably be your mom. Let her know that you would be
happy to go to those sorts of appointments with her. Buy 5-10 death
certificates. Each financial institution will need to at least make a copy,
and some will need an original.

Of course all that stuff in the previous paragraph needs to wait until
everyone involved is ready. In the meantime, force yourself to eat even if you
don't feel like it. Make sure your mom and siblings are eating too. Grief
always kills my appetite, but you've got to keep eating so you can have the
strength to emotionally recover.

------
GlenTheMachine
Lost my dad three years ago. Still find myself having conversations with him
in my head.

This isn't something you get over. You just deal with it, a day at a time, and
eventually you will find that a year has gone by, then two, and at some point
it doesn't feel like you are drowning in sadness every day.

Let yourself cry. But also, eat decently. Exercise, even if you don't feel
like it. Get your hair cut, shower, and get dressed every day. Find someone to
talk to, whether that's an SO, a friend, clergy, or a professional.

I find strength in remembering how my dad taught me to conduct myself - he was
an excellent father - and in trying to live up to that legacy. In particular,
when my dad died two hundred people packed themselves into our little country
church. In a town of three hundred. When I die I hope to have touched that
many lives.

------
cprayingmantis
I'm sorry for your loss. First off you don't owe anyone anything you can break
down you can do what ever you need to do it's ok, death is hard to deal with
and no one deals with it perfectly. We each deal with it in our own ways. The
rest of this post is just how I deal so take it with a grain of salt.

I don't think you can't look at it as your dad is gone rather you've got to
look at it as his time has ended. And now that it's ended it's time to reflect
and remember the times that you cherish and the good times the two of you had
together and the stories of the good times that the rest of your family had
together. Death is a terrible thing to go through but remembering the best
makes it sting a little less.

Also I know that this is HN and most folks on here are Atheist or Agnostic or
what ever but there is a lot of comfort to be found in your faith during this
time.

I truly am sorry and for what it's worth I pray that God will bless you and
your family and keep you in these troubling times.

------
tausch86
Just coming out the other end of something like this.

Feel what you got to feel. deal with the pile of shit that's in your lap
however you have to. Take time off of work (I took 3 weeks and I still felt
like I wasn't really ready). Reconnect with what's important to you. Death
brings people together and it can be a positive thing.

Lean on support right now. Just generally take care of yourself right now. Be
smart and you'll get through it in a healthy way.

------
nataz
As I write this, I'm preparing to travel to a family members memorial.

This little piece of writing by Aaron Freeman always made me feel a little
better [1].

"You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk
to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will
understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind
your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets
created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know
that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every
particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want
the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos,
you gave as good as you got.

And at one point you'd hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit
and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him that all
the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths
were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of
trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever
changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may
the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were
gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons
created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose
energy will go on forever.

And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy
is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their
programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed
through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we
who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.

And you'll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need
not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they
can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of
energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time.
You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that
the science is sound and that they'll be comforted to know your energy's still
around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you
is gone; you're just less orderly. Amen."

[1]
[http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4675953](http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4675953)

------
st553
My dad passed away from glioblastoma 2 weeks ago. My mom and I spent every day
with him before his passing which helped us not live with any regrets after.
After he died, my mom and I would do things he loved to do. It was painful do
those things knowing he wasn't physically there... but it was comforting to do
them as a way feel his presence. My dad loved camping with his trailer (I know
nothing about trailers). I spent a couple days going through all his tools,
learning how to setup a trailer and properly hitch it, then going on a camping
trip for a few days with my mom. I don't think we will ever get over his loss
but its nice to do things that you think would make him proud.

------
mdekkers
I am so sorry for your loss. 1 Year, 11 months, and 11 days ago I lost my
wife. She died riding her motorcycle. She was the sweetest, kindest soul you
would have ever met. She also was one of the best hackers I have ever met. I
will never get over her loss.

But life goes on. Grief is _addictive_ and trawling support groups, both on
and offline, I found many, many people that have been stuck in their grief for
many years, refusing to deal on a fundamental level with their loss. Like I
said, I'll never get over her loss. But I realised a few things: There is a
difference between grief, and feeling sorry for yourself. Give yourself space
and time to deal with the former, kick your own ass when you find yourself
stuck in the latter. Grief is a productive process, feeling sorry for yourself
isn't. Learn to recognise it, and don't give yourself time for that crap. It
is very easy to slip from "why her" to "why me". The former is grief, the
latter is self-pity. It is ok to have some of that, but understand that every
day, thousands of mothers, fathers, daughters and sons die. Some young, some
old, and the majority of them too soon. This is the nature of our universe.

It could turn out that your "best friends" don't understand how to help you
and be there for you, and "acquaintances" becoming and enormous pillar of
support.

I don't know about "time healing wounds" \- speaking for myself, I understood
quickly that I will never get over this, and that I should find a way to find
an accommodation for this hole in my life without debilitating myself.

Live every day like it is your last. Ask yourself everyday what positive
contribution you make to the people around you.

Understand it isn't anything personal. Understand that the universe didn't
point its' finger at you and thought "fuck that guy in particular".

Know that before you can help others, you must help yourself.

As for being there for your loved ones: Make sure they eat, especially your
mom. Stay away from self pity and help them do the same. Talk about happy
memories about your dad with your mom and siblings.

Be strong.

------
m0rose
I lost my dad to cancer when I was 8. I am also the first born. I buried the
emotions as best I could and now almost 30 years later I'm finally unpacking
all kinds of issues in therapy. You are going to grieve eventually. Trust me
on this. You can either do it now, or you can carry it around where it will be
a constant dull burn, where any time the word "dad" even comes up your eyes
will start to burn a bit and the anxiety will rise in your chest. Believe me,
and don't become me. It's better to do your grieving now, because the sooner
you do, the sooner you can start to enjoy those memories of your dad instead
of running from them because you don't want to start crying at seemingly
random times. Not to mention if you suppress those memories (which you have to
do to suppress the emotions and be "strong"), you _will_ lose them, and from
here on out that's all you have left. Don't do what I did. Being this
emotionally fragile is not fun, and losing so many memories is a trauma all
its own. If nothing else, take time to write them down somewhere safe right
now -- you'll want them eventually, I promise.

------
bobosha
My dad passed away suddenly 6 years ago and I was in a similar situation - I
the eldest child, and had to care for my elderly mom in fragile health. To top
it off I was in the midst of a startup and in severe financial stress. Wait
there's more, I also had a nasty breakup due to all this stress. So I hope my
story gives you some comfort.

My advice is likely contrary to what others have posted and I really don't
have any fancy <n> step process, the one thing I did was to take one day at a
time, and threw myself into work. (Luckily my startup got off the ground and
is running smoothly)

But I never showed grief or weakness to my family, comforted my siblings and
being a pillar to the family, even though I was shattered inside (I LOVED and
ADORED my dad). I gained comfort in seeing my mom & family heal and laugh
again. I also started doing mindfulness meditation during this period and it
helped calm me down a lot.

tl;dr: everyone has their own way of dealing with such events, mine was to
hunker down and immerse myself into work & meditation. Hope that helps and
sorry for your loss. It will heal over time.

------
matco11
First, know that everybody has to go through this, and that time helps.

Reading "Option B" by Sheryl Sandberg can help you putting many things in
perspective. I recommend it.

[https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1524732680/ref=mp_s_a_1_1](https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1524732680/ref=mp_s_a_1_1)

------
keenrodent
I am sorry for your loss. My father died in 2011 and sometimes I still reach
for my phone to call him. I offer you some advice that my mother, brothers and
I found helpful:

Don't try to be stronger than you can be. Look to be strong together, where
strength, at least in these early, grief-filled days, is simply that everyone
is able to take care of today's business. Feed the pets, cook the food, meet
the appointments, talk to each other. All you need to do today is what needs
to be done today.

Silence does not equal strength. Each of you, feel what you feel, don't try to
keep it in or hide it from each other. Together you can work through the pain
of loss.

Be open to accepting help where it is offered. It can be a comfort to you and
to your helpers.

I hope you and your family will find comfort with happy memories of your
father. I don't know that grief actually ends, but it becomes bearable and
finally part of your memories. Best wishes to you and yours.

------
rckclmbr
I always thought this old reddit post was really good.

 _Alright, here goes. I 'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far)
and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best
friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers,
mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children,
and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two
cents._

 _I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don 't want
to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the
circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be
something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the
relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so
was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament
that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I
can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is
stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life.
Scars are only ugly to people who can't see._

 _As for grief, you 'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first
wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating
around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that
was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the
wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe
it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating.
For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive._

 _In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without
mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don 't even give you time to catch your
breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe
months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further
apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in
between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to
trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the
smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes
crashing. But in between waves, there is life._

 _Somewhere down the line, and it 's different for everybody, you find that
the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come,
they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday,
or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part,
and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you
will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging
on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out. Take it from an
old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them
to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And
you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots
of loves. And lots of shipwrecks._

------
hamstah
I'm sorry for your loss

you should put contact details somewhere if people want to offer their help
privately.

------
Lanzaa
While I have never been in a similar situation, I'm sorry for your loss.

------
spaceflunky
On a Monday, a little more than a year ago I lost my dad, and best friend,
too.

Straight up, it's the hardest thing you'll probably have to do. It'll be
really fucking hard, but with luck, you'll figure it out a new ay forward.
Getting through the 'waves' of emotion and disbelief will be the most
frustrating part at first. At the time my dad died I was working on private
pilot's license and the most comforting thing I found was the consolations of
aerodynamics, specifically the positive dynamic stability of a Cessna 172N
aircraft.

Perhaps what helped me get through my dad's death will help you. So I give
you...

Better Living Through Positive Dynamic Stability

"Dynamic stability is how an airplane responds over time to a disturbance.
Aircraft with positive dynamic stability have oscillations that dampen out
over time. The Cessna 172 is a great example. If your 172 is trimmed for level
flight, and you pull back on the yoke [causing the plane to pitch upwards] and
then let go, the nose will immediately start pitching down. Depending on how
much you pitched up initially, the nose will pitch down slightly nose low, and
then, over time, pitch nose up again, but less than your initial control
input. Over time, the pitching will stop, and your 172 will be back to its
original attitude." [0]

What's happened in your life is a lot like the aircraft above, except that
instead of lightly pitching up, you've hit a strong disturbance and your
aircraft has dramatically and unexpectedly changed its pitch upward, which has
then caused your aircraft to in turn dramatically pitch downward. Your
aircraft is now hurdling towards the earth, before it picking up enough
airspeed to start pitching back up again. After pitching back up, the aircraft
starts to lose airspeed and then it starts pitching back down again, hurdling
back towards the earth, then it's pitches back up. Up and down and up and down
through this harrowing oscillation. It's a crazy, stressful rollercoaster.

While aircraft is going through these oscillation and seems out of control,
the oscillations are just the result of the positive dynamic stability of the
aircraft. You may not notice it initially, but the oscillations are dampening
slightly each time. Over time pitching will stop and your aircraft will go
back to it's initially attitude. This is what you must trust in, the positive
dynamic stability of your aircraft (you).

Eventually, you'll be flying straight and level again and along your intended
path. Yes, you'll be shaken up by what's happened and you won't ever be the
same again. But you'll have survived... that which you already knew was bound
to happen at some point at some time. This is was always part of the deal.
Just remember you're still flying and you've got places to be and great things
to see, and you're going to be ok.

[0] [http://www.boldmethod.com/learn-to-
fly/aerodynamics/3-types-...](http://www.boldmethod.com/learn-to-
fly/aerodynamics/3-types-of-static-and-dynamic-stability-in-aircraft/)

