
Ask HN: How to get past your wife's past? - throwaway102219
I recently got married and found a few things about my wife&#x27;s past that has wrecked havoc in my mind. I&#x27;m not able to focus on work, and feeling low self esteem and depression. Logically, I understand that past is past, and it&#x27;s gone but when I try getting back to work, my mind goes lost and I feel like crying. Have you ever been in this situation? How do you force your attention to your work?
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Rannath
Good news: People can usually get over anything, in time. Give it a bit before
you do anything drastic. It should bother you less and less as time goes on,
even if you don't do anything else.

You almost certainly want to do something else to help. Talk to someone,
professionally if needed. If your work/community/whatever has a crisis centre,
this is what they're for.

It might be a risk depending on where you work, but tell your boss/client you
might take a bit longer at whatever you're doing. Unless you have a hard
deadline you can usually get some leniency at work, provided you've been there
a while and don't abuse their compassion.

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sellingwebsite
Have you ever talked to her about these issues? I know it is easier said than
done but running away from these problems by "force your attention to your
work" isnt a way to solve them

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AnimalMuppet
Or perhaps not to her. Perhaps to a professional counselor. (Random people on
the internet are _not_ a substitute.)

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FourLoopJoop
not married but in college i encountered a similar issue with a girlfriend.
ego is the enemy, she was who she was and youll never be able to change. hit
the gym and get channel that energy bro.

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throwaway102219
you're right, it's ego. thanks for the advice

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hos234
Read some Esther Perel. Nothing is obvious about rebuilding Trust and Respect
in relationships. Very dependent on personality types, what outcomes are
possible.

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throwaway102219
Thank you for the recommendation :)

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redsable
After she shared with you, did she ask your forgiveness?

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gshdg
Depending on the issue, it may not be something that it’s appropriate to ask
forgiveness for. For instance, “I made a porn video with my high school
boyfriend and it leaked to the internet” is a mistake, not an injury done to
the now-husband. Same with “I got pregnant in college and had an abortion.” Or
“I was addicted to painkillers long before we met and stole money from friends
and family, but I’m 100% clean now.”

