
Ask HN: How did you prepare for being a first-time parent? - georgehdd
I wonder what&#x27;s the best&#x2F;recommended way to prepare for being a first time parent? 
Any recommended books&#x2F;blogs&#x2F;videos... ?
======
lastofus
Something that I wish was made clear to me beforehand is that there is a
_huge_ variance in children, even between siblings.

This means that what works well for some kids will fail terribly for others.
Half of parenting is trying out a bunch of different things to find out what
works well for your kids, and is also acceptable for you. This variance is
also a big reason why there is no "one true way" of raising kids, and why you
shouldn't take parenting authorities _too_ seriously.

It's also helpful to know when comparing yourself and your kids to other
couples with kids. The worst is parents of a single kid with an easy
disposition. They can sometimes be judgy and wonder why you don't just do what
they did, because clearly they are amazing parents, and you are failing hard.

~~~
rossdavidh
My mom told me that the most surprising thing to her was about being a parent
of a second child, and finding out that she had just as much to learn as with
the first one, because everything worked differently.

~~~
Gibbon1
This is what every person I know with grown children says. Also my grandmother
said for that reason be wary of advice from other people. Especially new
parents with young children.

------
softwaredoug
There’s nothing that can prepare you. Just take a deep breath, enjoy it, and
don’t overprepare.

One piece of advice though: ask for help. Don’t be shy. Western culture prizes
independence. This is not a time for independence. Ask the grandparents to
help even if they don’t offer it. Pay for babysitting. Get lots of help. It
takes a village is absolutely true!

(Oh and it’s absolutely ok to ask for help just so you can have fun)

~~~
btowngar
I agree with this a lot - asking for help can be tough when you're used to
solving your own problems. Paying for help - such as a regular house cleaner
if you can afford it - is totally worth it.

One thing that we did that was unreasonably helpful was to sign up for a meal
kit service (we used Good Eggs, but I assume there are loads of them around).
It just meant that we had less decisions to make about food, and removed a lot
of friction there.

Last thing - try to sleep when the kid is sleeping. Better to do that than
catch up on TV.

------
kraftman
As a newish parent of a 6 month year old, one thing I've found hard is the
amount of misinformation/opinion pieces online when trying to research things.
The best resources I found are from the NHS [1] for things like
breastfeeding/first solid foods, and Emily Oster's two books [2] which provide
a fairly unbiased summary of the current state of research both before and
after birth.

I found prenatal classes really informative with regards to what to expect
while at the hospital, but I found they didn't really prepare me for the first
few days back home after the hospital.

I wrote a few notes [3] on things at 1 month. As my wife was the one giving
birth, I was told and read that I would essentially be useless during labour,
and after the birth I couldn't do much for the baby and my job was to support
it indirectly by supporting my wife. In reality the only thing you can't do
that your partner can potentially do is breastfeed, and that isn't guaranteed.

[1] [https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-
baby/](https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/)

[2]
[https://www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=emily+oster](https://www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=emily+oster)

[3]
[https://www.reddit.com/r/predaddit/comments/b9g9p5/graduated...](https://www.reddit.com/r/predaddit/comments/b9g9p5/graduated_random_thoughts/)

~~~
RhysU
> prenatal classes

+1 for prenatal classes, the more granola the better.

Bizarrely, we had a married pair of clowns in the class before my older kid
was born. All I could think of was, what if their kid is scared of clowns?

------
lghh
I had my first child several days ago. I am half asleep typing this. This
isn't preparation as much as it is a warning. Here's what I think I have
learned so far and what I didn't know:

1\. The lactation specialists at the hospital can be rude, aggressive, and
pushy. Or at least come off that way when you're pissed and desperate to get
your child some food. We have ran into many issues breastfeeding and the
lactation specialists (3 at the hospital during our stay) seemed to be very
against using any kind of aids to feed. Despite what they say, don't be afraid
to try nipple shields, bottles, and, gasp, formula as a supplement or
replacement. Your kid has to eat.

2\. Every family situation is different, but if you and your partner can you
should work in shifts. Particularly if you are breastfeeding and ESPECIALLY if
you are pumping, the parent doing that work is not going to sleep more than 2
hours at a time the first few days. If that. Ideally, partners shirts be up as
little as possible at the same time so everyone has a chance to sleep.

3\. Every minute matters when you're on a baby's schedule. It's the difference
between sleeping or not.

4\. Have quick, filling things available to eat. I had to choose between
sleeping and eating a lot and it sucked.

5\. Who knows if any of this will be true for your baby or birthing expert.
Everyone is different. Some doctors or nurses don't get this. They suck. Many
do and they are great.

6\. We took a birthing class and it seemed great at the time, and I'm sure
it's helped, but man oh man is the real thing different.

7\. Learn to swaddle.

8\. Learn to enjoy both the quiet and the chaotic moments. Living is hard, and
I've done it for a while. Your baby hasn't and is learning.

~~~
rpedela
My wife had a lot of difficulty with breastfeeding for the first month, and
our experience with lactation specialists was mixed. Several were horrible
like the ones you described. One was amazing and her primary advice was "feed
your baby", formula was fine. Her other primary advice was "take care of
yourself" such as using nipple shields. Not only can the nipples be sore, but
too much damage can lead to more serious complications. Everything else could
be fixed/improved over time. Sometimes the baby is tongue-tied, like ours, and
the breastfeeding advice is unlikely to work until that is fixed. Again the
lactation specialists didn't think to look for that except the amazing one.

BTW Congratulations!

~~~
rubidium
Agreed here. If any breastfeeding issues definitely check for tongue tie. Also
know that some hospitals won’t diagnose it at all (but not tell you that’s
their policy) or only the severe cases. Check with an independent specialist
if that’s the case.

~~~
lghh
Baby is tongue tied, lip tied, and my wife has inverted nipples. Basically the
there things that make this hard :/.

------
nrjames
Kids need A LOT of sleep; more than you think. I would say that 80% of the
time you see a kid crying or throwing a tantrum, it’s a combo of not having
enough sleep and not having the emotional toolkit or communication skills to
express their needs. My single recommendation is to get your child on a sleep
schedule and stick with it aggressively.

Check out the book: Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Weissbluth.

BTW, I noticed my older daughter getting super cranky when using iPads/phones
when she was about 2.5, so we stopped giving them to her and her mood vastly
improved as a baseline. You’ll have to make your own decisions about tech and
kids, but just keep that in mind. My kids now will happily go on a 12 hr car
ride without ever asking for an iPad, etc. YMMV.

~~~
kraftman
Something I didn't realise, along with how much sleep babies need, is that
they don't know that the solution to being tired is to go to sleep. I just
assumed that if they were tired they would sleep. But they don't know how to
go to sleep, or that the horrible feeling of being tired is solved by going to
sleep, so they just get wound up instead.

------
donohoe
I thought the child-birth classes we did were amazingly helpful for a number
of reasons:

* You become familiar with the terms (procedures, drugs, etc) so that during delivery they don't sound scary and unknown.

* We met other people in our relative neighborhood at the same stage. We're still friends with many and it was a HUGE support network before and after our children were born. I think this is especially helpful with a first kid.

That aside, I recommend 'The Expectant Father' for dads as a decent book that
I found helpful.

Final preparation tip: Lie about the 'due date' to everyone. Add an extra 2
weeks. It helps getting those annoying calls so close to delivery date. (Like
if you don't return someones call in 5 minutes they assume you're in labor...)
It gets annoying and fast.

And for after the baby is born: Just remember that you will get your 'sleep'
back one day. It will be worth it. I have such a HUGE appreciate for un-
interrupted stretches of sleep now. Hang in there :)

~~~
codeulike
This is all great advice

------
DoreenMichele
I was twenty-one. I didn't intend to have children until my late twenties.

I was married and we intended to have kids, someday. But my method of birth
control failed and I was unexpectedly pregnant.

I spent my pregnancy trying to figure out how I would talk to my child about
their origin story. I didn't want them to feel unwanted or something.

I eventually realized they weren't unwanted. They were just unexpectedly
early.

I have read that the final product when you are done raising your children
isn't the child. It's you.

It's a wonderful opportunity to clarify for yourself who you desire to be and
what personal baggage you would like to set down and leave behind instead of
passing it down and saddling your children with it.

------
bipson
We did a local "parenting course" (changing diapers, putting on clothes on a
new-born, etc.). Its main purpose in fact was to get us to calm down and
listen to the baby instead of all the advice.

And that's what I want to say to you: Forget about all the things people tell
you. Most certainly, it won't apply to your kid. Just stay calm, you're in
charge, the kid will need you calm, everything is new to him/her as well. It's
OK to be overwhelmed. Be authentic, slow down, and you'll get through it
together, just stay calm.

These small helpless creatures are significantly more empathic and sensible
than we imagine. Try to listen. Some parents know the difference in cries for
"hunger", "poop", "sleep" after days, some not even after weeks.

Also, if the baby is unhappy: Try "hunger", "poop", "sleep" in that order.
That will be the only things they care about for the first few weeks.
Warmth/cool is your business anyway, they can't feel it the way we do.
Otherwise it just needs you to be there and keep him/her safe.

And don't overstimulate. They were in a bathtub for the first 9 months. Give
them time, shut off most noises and other stimuli. Put your smartphones away
and on vibrate, pause netflix, there is no point in watching TV anyway, dim
the lights, don't expose them to noisy baby-toys etc.

You'll be fine.

------
robviren
An expectation for a complete lack of control.

You can plan, prepare, and do what you feel is best, but at the end of the day
you have to be flexible and know that you will learn. I wish I could say there
was a method or a book or something, but just knowing that some parts would be
hard and confusing helped set my expectations. I wasn't surprised I was
cleaning poop off the floor of my in-law's because I knew I would experience
failure, but I was surprised babies pooped that far.

------
aantix
Set 7 alarms on your phone, one to wake you up each hour.

Go to work the next day and try to do your best work.

Do this two months before the baby comes and you'll already be adjusted to
your new mental norm.

I'm only half-kidding. The eradic sleep is tough - babies through toddlers
wake up for all sorts of reasons. Depending on the child, it could be years
before you sleep consistently through an entire night.

That being said, the first time your baby smiles at you, or when they offer a
drink of their juice because they are being thoughtful, when they say "love
you" the first time, when they are genuinely excited to see you after a long
day.. No other feeling like it.

~~~
jedberg
My wife and I worked out a deal so we didn't have to do this. She was pumping
so either of us could do a feeding.

I would take the feeding around 1am so she could pump then. Then I would go to
sleep. She would pump and feed overnight. I'd wake up around 7 or 8, and then
do the next few feedings while she slept till around noon, when she'd get up
to eat and pump. Then she'd take a nap at some point with the baby midday so
she could get her hours in, albeit split up. We did this through the entire
paternity leave.

By the time I went back to work I was able to get about six hours a night
after doing the late night and early morning feedings.

~~~
kraftman
We did shifts like this too, it worked really well.

------
jm4
Read "What to Expect When You're Expecting", looked around at the baby store,
maybe did a little research if I saw something interesting, talked to other
new parents, talked to the OB, selected a pediatrician prior to the due date,
went to a class recommended by the OB where they teach you how to swaddle and
do some other basic tasks. It's pretty easy. You get ready really quickly
because you don't have a choice. Don't forget people used to do this in caves
and humanity made it this far so don't stress it. Enjoy this time because it's
fun and it's over with way too fast.

~~~
threeboy
!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!

What to Expect When You're Expecting: a baby.

------
wickedbeans
If you live near a hospital that offers classes, go to all of them. If you've
never handled a baby before, they have pretend babies that you can handle and
change diapers. If the hospital doesn't, check out the local public health
department as they will likely know who offers classes.

If your baby is to be breastfed, then check out Le Leche League for
information on how all that works including pumping. The breastfeeding parent
will take on a lot of work to produce and sometimes express milk, so work out
a schedule where you can help out with the non-feeding aspects. (Also most
insurances cover one pump and some cover supplies throughout the year.)

Procure or make freezer meals. If you can get through the first 4-6 weeks
without really doing the whole food production, you'll be okay.

Get some books: the Expectant Father is good for non-birthing parents. What to
expect when you are expecting is a really good book to have on hand for all
potential scenarios.

Babies change a lot in the first year, so whatever you think is hard about
that moment.... just remember it is just for a moment and will eventually
pass. We have a walking talking toddler... and I miss her potato days when I
could cuddle her and stare into her eyes without her sassing me about not
reading her book fast enough. And potato days were sooo hard since I got no
sleep with a 90 minute breastfeeding schedule (baby set it, not me).

------
cshah4
Just had my daughter a month back :) I don't think you can prepare much..lol.
As @lastofus said, each kid is different so what worked for someone else, may
not work for you.

Follow the KISS principle! Don't get too many things. The only thing to be
mentally prepared for is for the unpredictable timings of the baby. They will
sleep and wake up at odd hours and many times they will cry for no reason
which can be stressful. Other than that, diaper change and all is pretty easy
after the first few days.

Here are a few things I think many books/doctors fail to mention:

\- Breastfeeding: People swear by it but many times the mother will not be
able to produce enough milk initially or baby won't latch correctly. Be
prepared to feed formula to the baby and order it before delivery. Try to get
a good organic one from Europe: Holle, Hipp, Bimbosan, etc. Enfamil and
Similac are not that good. You can read about it online.

\- Make sure the baby bottles you order are compatible with the breast pump
and the nipples are wide neck ones similar to breast. It's damn confusing and
they don't make it easier for you! Don't get too many bottles also. Having 4-5
is more than enough.

\- Learn to swaddle :) Practicing on dolls is pretty much useless.

\- Learn how to massage your baby. It's the best thing and they will doze off
for hours after it. I do it every alternate day.

\- Read about flat head and get a pillow from the start if you are worried
about it.

Other than that, enjoy your time with them! They do grow up fast and time will
fly! :)

Congrats and gluck!

------
jedberg
I joined /r/babybumps on reddit. It's technically for expectant mothers, which
I wasn't, but it was enlightening as a way to better empathize with my spouse.
I could also participate by relating what was happening to my wife to the
other women there (with her permission of course).

I also joined up with babycenter.com, which has a newsletter that they will
send you each week saying what size the baby is "pea, lemon, etc" and things
that you should expect like physical body changes as well as logistics like
"this week you'll probably get an ultrasound for the anatomy". Stuff like
that.

I tried reading some books, but they all sucked and bored me.

Other that that, I tried to get as many big chores done as possible. I cleaned
out the garage and storage, trimmed all the trees outside and all the bushes,
got the cars fixed and had their oil changed, bought and built the crib and
stroller, the kind of stuff that is tedious and hard to do with a baby
strapped to you.

And lastly, I tried to get a lot of good sleep. It'll be hard after the baby
comes.

Good luck! It'll change your life but for me all the joy and fun has been
worth every moment!

~~~
falsedan
> _Other that that, I tried to get as many big chores done as possible_

Oh yeah, I cooked 10 kilos of pasta sauce & mince and froze it so we didn’t
have to think about cooking.

~~~
dwd
This... You can get so tired that cooking a meal from scratch is just not
something you feel like doing. Having frozen meals or being able to throw some
pasta or rice together with something prepared earlier is preplanning well
spent.

And if someone asks if they can do anything to help - suggest cooking a meal.

------
ryanmarsh
Prepare? That's adorable. Everything you think you know about parenting will
be routinely debunked (by your child) every six months for the rest of your
adult life.

The good news is if you remain humble and work on managing your emotions
everything will turn out fine.

When in doubt just make sure they know they are loved.

Source: My kids (5, 13, 18) seem to be turning out ok.

------
Snorlack
Since I'm a skeptical nerd I started getting more and more cynical about all
the anecdotal stories from friends, books, and on the web. Then I found Emily
Oster's books.

Wikipedia snippets: "Emily Oster is an American economist and bestselling
author. After receiving a B.A. and Ph.D. from Harvard in 2002 and 2006
respectively, Oster taught at the University of Chicago Booth School of
Business. She later moved to Brown University, where she holds the rank of
Professor of Economics. Her research interests span from development economics
and health economics to research design and experimental methodology.... She
is the author of two books, Expecting Better and Cribsheet, which discuss a
data-driven approach to decision-making in pregnancy and parenting."

In short they are meta-research papers on pregnancy and parenting in the form
of fun readable books.

------
hprotagonist
You more or less don't. Breathe deep, seek peace, and roll with the punches.

Especially in the early months:

\- prioritize sleep.

\- use your damn words with your partner.

\- try real hard not to get angry. more than normal, act on the assumption
that the other party isn't hostile, just at least as tired as you are.
Everyone's going to be on edge; be gentle.

\- remember that you more or less get a new kid every 48 hours. that sleeping
trick that worked on monday won't work on wednesday _and this is not your
fault this is a good sign of progress!_ After 6-8 months, you merely get a new
kid every week! then every month...

------
jld
Having a first child can be an incredibly stressful and confusing time. I
think the best preparation is to have a solid support network ready to support
you and your family while you adjust to your new life.

In my city, there is a nonprofit that connects groups of parents of newborns
together so they can process the crazy stuff that's happening in their lives.
I would heartily recommend finding this kind of support to any new parent.
[https://www.peps.org/](https://www.peps.org/)

------
gus_massa
Sleep now, next 18 years will be hard. :) Enjoy the sleep during the second
trimester.

In the first baby, the time from the contraction to the delivery is something
like two days, with random contractions every two hours or something, it's
(more) difficult to sleep. When the contractions are frequent enough you go to
the hospital and wait a few more hour. Ask the doctor for the details.

It's not like in the novies! Nothing is like in the movies!

The first two days after the delivery are terrible. The baby has tummy ache
and cries and cries and cries and cries. You can try to fix it with some tummy
massages. Ask the nurses in the hospital for help, they have a lot of
practices, it's like magic. Usually after two days it get's better, hopefully.

As another comment said, babies have a lot of variation. Don't get too worried
if they don't follow exactly the calendar. I've never seen a calendar with
sigmas. Ask the doctor.

Doctors also have a lot of variation. Try to get one that is good and that
fits yours preference. Bonus points if s/he understand what you want when you
ask for a calendar with sigmas.

Once the kid enters kindergarten, s/he will get all the silly contagious
illness. Expect to have her/him at home like 50% of the days during the fist 2
or 3 months.

------
apohn
There are a lot of great answers so I'll just provide some general advice.

1\. Baby sleep is not intuitive at all. Learn as much as you can before the
baby comes. Read "Precious Little Sleep" by Alexis Dubief. Figure out how to
get a baby to sleep without them being on you, even if you are patting and
shushing them in your bed. Having a baby fall asleep on you constantly may
cause massive problems after the first 4 months. You don't need to use "cry it
out" if you get the basics of baby sleep right early.

2\. Pick a reasonable amount of time (e.g. 6 months, 1 year) and say the baby
and your family are a priority. For this period don't get too caught up in
when life/work/friends/hobbies, etc will get back on track. Just say "I said X
time, and right now baby and spouse are the priority."

3\. Remember to forgive yourself and your spouse for the fights, bickering,
and mistakes. At some point you will take a week to figure out something and
feel you should have figured it out in a day. You will feel like a failure.
Then something else will change and another week will go by and you will feel
like a failure again. Just take a deep breath and keep trying. Kids don't come
with a manual.

4\. Some kids are easier. Some are harder. If you are doing your best, that's
all you can do.

------
tfo
The best resource I stumbled upon that I now recommend to everyone is Brain
Rules for Baby. It's an evidence-based guide from the prenatal period through
basically age 5. And it has key tips for parents, reminding you that
maintaining your own relationship as partners will be surprisingly
challenging.

[http://brainrules.net/brain-rules-for-baby](http://brainrules.net/brain-
rules-for-baby)

~~~
lutorm
I like that book, too. There were two others that we thought were helpful:

"The Baby Owner's Manual: Operating Instructions, Trouble-Shooting Tips, and
Advice on First-Year Maintenance" which is just an overall guide to everyday
things you have to do (and it's pretty funny.)

"Precious Little Sleep" on improving our sleep situation.

------
slovette
Well, I don’t have any books or blogs, but I can list a few things I’ve
learned raising 4 toddlers in the last 6 years:

1\. Don’t be over protective. It’s hard not to be. But you’ll need to remember
that you’re their security blanket, not their parachute. You need to let them
fall down, get ouchies, throw fits and make mistakes. You’re value is in being
there to comfort when it hurts, not save them from the hurt itself.

2\. Don’t go buying everything in the store. Wait till you REALLY know you
need it. So many people get caught up in the “I NEED EVERYTHING AND HE/SHE
DESERVES IT!” Mentality. Don’t do that. A couple exceptions: a good swing and
a pack’n’play.

3\. Buy diapers at Costco or Sams Club. Don’t fall for the brand name
marketing, they just need to catch shit and it doesn’t have to be organic,
grown from pure heavenly angel hair to do that. The best ones we’ve found are
the Costco diapers.

4\. Enjoy the little time. Everyone says it, so it’s almost cliche, but it
really does go by in a flash. That little chubby hand gripping your finger
will soon fade away to a little kid and eventually a grown person. It’s the
hardest part of being a dad I deal with, you wake up and the little hand is
gone... So, just slow down. It’s hard because people tend to have kids right
as careers and life is taking off. Prioritize the kiddo time, even when you
don’t feel like you can.

5\. Talk to your kids even when they’re little. Don’t baby talk, but actually
talk. It helps them develop and you’ll teach your little one to express
themselves with words instead of uncontrollable emotion.

Lots more, but every journey is different. The above is the more ubiquitously
applicable ones I can think of. :)

------
gwbas1c
First: I married a pediatrician!

IMO, if you're friends with a pediatrician, just have a conversation or two.
My wife is always happy to answer a friendly question from a family member or
close friend.

Remember boundaries: Assuming you're a techie, you're probably happy to answer
some basic technical questions; but you won't fix someone's computer for free.
The same thing applies for questions about breastfeeding, diapers, ect.

Second: Always be weary of someone trying to sell you something. There's
plenty of marked up baby junk to buy, and pseudoscience to twist you into
doing this or that. Guard your wallet closely. (Example, a bottle drying rack
costs twice as much as a dish drying rack, but it's the same exact thing.
Another example is the means that the formula companies go to convince mothers
to skip breastfeeding.)

Third: The nurses and doctors in the delivery room are there to answer any
questions. No question is too silly.

Fourth: If you plan on breastfeeding, talk to the breastfeeding consultant
with your hospital early. Some women need to do some tricks to bring up their
milk supply.

Finally: People have been having babies since before we were human. You'll
figure it out!

------
seanrrwilkins
I'm in the same boat right now. Our first is due at the end of October.

Generally, my wife and I feel as prepared as we can be. We've been fortunate
to see most of our friends have children over the past 5-6 years. Like
@Lastofus mentioned below, we saw a huge variance in both the children and the
parenting styles.

For me, the best things I've learned come from our friends that are teachers.
We've seen a level of patience and consistency with them that we haven't seen
in others. They also made a concerted effort to regularly engage with
questions, quizzes, reading and playing music. It did a lot to keep the kids
engaged and learning early.

We've also been happy with how supportive and generous our friends have been.
Definitely lean on them with questions as you're prepping. And they'll also
likely have a ton of stuff to pass down, so take advantage of that. Just
trying to pick a baby seat is one of the most confusing exercises, and our
friends saved us hours of hassle with some simple advice and recommendations
between two.

Good luck to you!

------
lettergram
It’s very hard to prepare. I had two sons in 16 months, and the hardest part
is not knowing what will happen today.

Better than any book or video about parenting it’s better to learn to be calm
and collected.

Your life is over, what ever it is / was it’s done. You now get the
opportunity to build a new life, with a new family. When you have a baby it’s
like getting a significant other which needs your assistance to do everything.

I found that just starting by giving everything up and slowly adding back a
social life, work, etc worked best for me. For both kids I basically cleared
my slate and saw what I could do.

In terms of preparing, I’d recommend any local parenting classes (get to know
people too). You can also get the book “Nurture” (I believe it’s called). But
the reality is little can prepare you, but you’ll figure it out with time. A
lot of one off searches like “what to do when toddler won’t stop vomiting” are
things you’ll probably need most.

Also! Set a schedule and stick to it. It makes it easier to at least know
you’ll have your significant other take over in 15 min so you can sleep.

~~~
trestletech
Yes! A schedule was imperative for me to feel like I had some expectations and
control. Waking up with absolutely no structure was just a little too
overwhelming for me, so having "naptime is ___, lunch is ___" really put me at
ease. I didn't read many books on parenting, but one that was immediately
helpful was on sleep schedules of children and how they evolve as the kids
age. This helped us figure out a schedule that worked for us.

Another thing we did that really helped was artificially limiting inputs
regarding advice. In those first weeks, we had a handful of books and dozens
of blogs and websites that all had contradictory advice; it was really
overwhelming. We decided we would only subscribe to three primary sources of
info where possible: Mayo Clinic online, some book we had on sleep schedules,
and our pediatrician. Only having three places to consult when we had
questions (as opposed to the entire Internet) was an enormous help.

------
jeremy_schuurms
One thing I learned from being a first time parent is that you really can’t
prepare much. I read every parenting book I could get my hands on, and every
time I tried a technique from them to, say, get my son to sleep, or calm him
when he was crying, didn’t work. I felt pretty helpless for awhile, and then
realized my gut instincts worked more often, and I had to get to know my son
as a person and discover what worked for him.

So I think the best way to prepare for being a parent is to 1\. get ready to
feel more love for this tiny human than you ever thought possible. 2\. prepare
financially. 3\. gather your supplies (diapers, changing table, etc.) 4\. have
strategies in place to deal with lack of sleep. 5\. have strategies in place
to deal with stress and anxiety. 6\. decide how you will support your partner.
How will you make them feel important when the baby becomes your whole world?
7\. breathe. It’ll be okay. It’s easier than you think, and you know more than
you think. Trust your instincts.

------
jinushaun
New father myself. Honestly, you can't prepare. You just have to be flexible
and agile because every kid is different and what works for you might not work
for other kids.

Personally, I project managed and over-engineered the hell out of this
parenting thing. Alway iterating. Always A/B testing. Always trying to improve
my metrics. That's how I personally managed not to get overwhelmed.

The other thing to consider is that people have been doing this for thousands
of years. If a single teenage parent can do it, I think two 30 something
adults with good high-paying jobs can manage.

I seem to be having a much easier time than everyone else I know, so maybe
this strategy is working.

If you want concrete tips:

\- Learn to change a diaper like a pro. Practice this. It should take 30
seconds for pee diapers. Practice this left and right handed.

\- Learn to soothe a baby like a pro. Practice this. Try everything. You can
learn this. It's not magic.

\- Wear a carrier so you can do hands-free parenting. In the first few months,
the baby spends most of its time sleeping. With a carrier, you can still do
things with two hands.

\- Retrain your sleeping schedule. Don't fight it. Adjust. You'll find you'll
have more energy than before with less sleep.

\- Don't fear co-sleeping, but start crib training as soon as possible (we
started at 2 months). Don't expect it to work overnight. Plan for at last 4
weeks of __gradual __sleep training.

\- First 3 months are pretty "easy" because the tasks are very straight
forward and well-suited for engineering minded people. It gets tough when they
can start walking, which happens around 12 months. Then it really gets tough
when they start forming opinions around 24 months.

------
madhadron
I've gotten my advice on parenting down to two things: 1) feel free to ignore
all the well meaning advice people give you about being a parent, and 2) put
your mattress on the floor. Your baby can't fall if it's already on the floor.
And you can either take that advice, or use it as practice for ignoring well
meaning advice.

~~~
sergiotapia
Had a baby a year ago, my mattress is on the floor and it really is comforting
to not worry about him waking up before us and falling us. He's sneaky and
doesn't really scream when he wakes up, he just explores.

------
neonhomer
Not sure where you're from but I enjoyed Bringing Up Bébé by Pamela
Druckerman. It's all about French style parenting as she's an American raising
her children in France.

[https://www.amazon.com/dp/1594203334](https://www.amazon.com/dp/1594203334)

~~~
alanthonyc
Loved that book! I highly recommend it.

That said, _nothing_ will prepare you for the reality. It’s like learning to
swim in a lap pool, then getting dropped into the ocean in the middle of a
storm.

Just learn as much as you can, talk to as many people as you can, and prepare
yourself for the fact that you will not be prepared.

All good! Other than that, there’s nothing like a child saying “I love you
too.” So, it’s all worth it once you get to it.

Congrats!

------
rb808
The most important thing I think is to have friends in a similar situation. If
you dont know anyone in your immediate area with a newborn, try very hard to
find some. Actually they dont have to be friends, just anyone in a similar
situation whom you can swap ideas with and find sympathy.

Presumably you're a guy. Make sure your wife gets some spare time. Let her go
out for an hour or three and look after the baby by yourself. Its really hard
work being the main responsible one. If you have Grandparents that can help
this is invaluable.

The Baby Book: How to Enjoy Year One Paperback by Rachel Waddilove, was the
best book we read. Its very structured, which is good to enforce some routine
in your life. Dont follow all the rules, but is a good guidance.

Dont forget you'll often feel terrible at the time, but you'll look back
fondly at the memories.

------
cameron_b
Congratulations!

Prenatal classes are great for increasing your awareness ahead of the
inevitable whirlwind of medical jargon you may experience. We did a Bradley
Method[1] class and were planning a home birth, but discovered at 34 weeks
that my wife and child were in a situation called "Placenta Previa" which
predicated a cesarean delivery. I hope you never experience the terror and
helplessness of watching the mother of your child (if you're the father;
sharing the experience of a father) in pain, wondering what in the world is
happening. I'm not saying this to scare you, but to say that learning as much
as you can about birth is invaluable but only half the battle. There's no way
to know everything, just get your bearings and find good sources and buckle
up.

You will not be able to read everything, but getting the lay of the land of
how birth works and what people will tell you ahead of time is incredibly
helpful.

One thing I would say also about having my little guy about a year ago is that
I would work on my relationship with my wife more if I could do it again. We
have a lot of trust and we're fully committed, but having a kid takes almost
all of your time for a long time. Sleeplessness, my return to work, her
feeling of isolation and "confinement" for a time with him at home was hard on
her and on us. I would encourage you to talk about those times, plan ways to
get over those bumps, and get closer to each other. Other couples in our birth
class talked about hiring a nanny to free up time and make things easier
around the house. I thought they were posh and crazy, now I think they were
brilliant and posh :)

Put the time in up front, get every help your system/insurance affords you -
doula, pump, lactation consultant, pillows for the couch in the recover room -
and drink it in. No matter how bewildering, scary, surprising, each and every
individual moment may be, it is a beautiful time. Enjoy it!

[1] [http://www.bradleybirth.com](http://www.bradleybirth.com)

------
jlengrand
Might not fit everybody, but I decided to not read books or prepare ahead of
time, outside of the genuine state of excitement of this beautiful thing
coming to complet eour lifes.

We're machines built to reproduce. We are meant to take care of our children.
I believed that all would be fine because I was programmed for that.

Then later, I asked around for advice about particular things I doubted about.
But for everything I first trusted my guts. It worked out OK so far. In my
opinion, consistency is key. Whatever you do, keep it doing the same way all
the time. If you do A one day and B the day after, you are putting your baby
in a insecure modus. Be a strong pillar that he/she can rely on, by being
consistent.

You'll do great!

------
kibibu
Know that fresh babies come out a dark red purple colour. I didn't know, and
given the complications we had in childbirth, there was a good 30 seconds
where I thought my baby was stillborn.

Also, if your baby doesn't sleep well, nobody will truly understand your hell.

~~~
muzani
I'm not sure that's true. Both of my babies were grayish-red, and they often
cry almost immediately after they come out. I remember a checklist where the
doctor checked skin color and crying to gauge baby health.

Still, it sounds like you got a healthy, happy baby. Congrats :)

~~~
kibibu
Yeah she had inhaled meconium and didn't cry; combined with a lot of nervous
glances between midwives I was primed to think the worst.

Anyway, babies range from dark red to a blueish-plum colour when they first
pop out, and don't turn pink immediately. It's confronting if you're not
expecting it.

------
croo
I selected a few parenting books which didn't sound complete shit and started
reading. Now mind you, one of the books was so bad I could not finish. One of
the books was too old to have any actionable information and later turned out
the writer thought Asperger's are children with not enough love
received(1960ish book...) And the one was simply so out of my personal
feelings of what I consider a good parent I stopped reading.

BUT. All these books helped me formulate my own viewpoint of the subject and
tackled problems I didn't know I will meet. It all helped me imagine how a
good parent would behave. So I would recommend the same route (hopefully with
better books:))

------
jotakami
I strongly recommend the book The Nurture Assumption by Judith Harris. It has
done more to shape my mindset about being a parent than anything else I have
read. You could also wait a few years to read it, as it is more relevant once
your child is old enough to start having social interactions outside the home.

Honestly, the changes in my marriage were much more difficult to handle than
actually being a parent. You and your spouse (assuming you are married) will
change as individuals once you become parents, and issues that never came up
before may suddenly feel like relationship deal-breakers. I have no advice to
offer because frankly I didn’t handle it well—just a word of caution.

------
hn23
Do not think you can prepare:)

I have two - 5 and 2. We did these birth preparation courses that are offered
here in the hospital. It was good to get a glimpse of what follows. However,
it is theory that works until reality hits hard. It helped to feel prepared
for the first kid. Would recommend if there is something like this where you
live.

My personal experience: The first half year is mostly ground stuff. Eat, shit,
sleep, fresh air, contact, ... Make a checklist (in the brain) ... Crying
means always one of the ground stuff is missing. Do not buy stuff until you
need it. Follow your instincts. Do not hesitate to ask a Doc if you are not
sure. No Doc will send you away.

Wish you all the best!

------
deberon
Started reading a couple books (never finished them though), went to every
single doctor appointment and asked questions, talked to parents/in-laws. The
last 2 were the most helpful. I still attend every doctor appointment and ask
questions.

With a good support system it's not too hard. Lots of it is instinctual.
Doctors and nurses will brief you on the big no-nos.

My advice: Don't try too hard to be fully prepared. You won't be. Learn how to
establish a relationship with your doctor, learn how to communicate with your
significant other, learn a healthy way to deal with stress (there will be
stress), and learn how to make funny faces and noises.

Congratulations!

------
andyjohnson0
I'm fifteen years in now, but I remember that classes were usful. Living in
the UK we signed up for a set of evening courses run by an NCT [1] course
leader. It was a good way to learn basic skills, set expectations, and also
meet other parents (mostly expecting their first, some coming back for
refreshers).

Also, don't over-think it. Newborns have very immediate and (mostly) obvious
needs: so be observant and take each day as it comes. Accept help. Sleep when
you can. You're going to be tired, but try to look for joy in the experience
too.

Good luck!

[1] [https://www.nct.org.uk/](https://www.nct.org.uk/)

------
falsedan
Saw some midwifes, bought some baby stuff. Oh, and I let my work know so I
could take some paternity leave. Probably a good idea to get a few nappies,
the hospital gave out a couple of freebies but you’re going to want to use
more.

The serious answer is, there’s nothing we can think of and say, oh I wish we’d
done/had that. Be ready for a lot of disruption and learning on short notice
and bonding with a new person who’ll depend on you for everything and is
working really hard on improving their communication.

Oh you’ll probably also benefit from knowing where the hospital is, how to get
there, where to park/get off the bus, &c.

------
nightbrawler
There's a great series of books called 'What To Expect' ... When Expecting,
The First Year, etc. They are an awesome resource.

Other than that I wouldn't over think or analyze preparation too much. You'll
be surprised how much instinct kicks in and you just know what needs to be
done. Just do it!

If you have multiple kids, they'll all be different and it can take some time
to figure out what works and doesn't with each one.

It's a fun journey. I'll never forget the first night home with our first
born. It was just us and her and it was quite a shock to the system. But you
learn quick!

~~~
kangnkodos
The Expecting book is kind of good. But I often think of it as "200 things to
scare the sh*t out of you when expecting". Most of the book is a long list of
things that could go wrong, and most of those have a very, very low chance of
happening.

I'm kind of glad I read it, but it did a job on me, worrying about about so
many things that never came to pass.

------
oliwarner
In the UK, I can thoroughly recommend NCT. I suppose any group-based meet up
might be as good.

NCT got us and half a dozen other parents of similar age all in the same room
for 18 hours split over six weeks. We also met up outside classes and carried
on socialising afterwards.

So not only did we get a pile of information about _what to expect_ and _what
to do_ for birth and early days, but it gave us a network of people to chat to
while going through the rough stuff. That's far more precious a resource than
any book when your up five times a night with teething.

------
ScotterC
Have my first child, now 7 months old. If I could only say one thing it's make
sure to have a trusting & productive relationship with your partner. Problems
or going to come up every day and solving for them is a function of how well
you two collaborate.

I had the benefit of co-founding a startup with my partner so we had already
cut our teeth on this. A child is like a type of startup. Identifying and
managing problems/complexity is a daily activity. If you have a good working
relationship there than you can have a blast being parents together.

------
hotsauceror
My wife has worked in child care for years so that helped a lot. One of the
coolest things she showed me was teaching our daughter sign language, before
she could speak. My wife said that babies can get really frustrated when they
know what they want but can't communicate it, but fortunately they learn gross
motor control way before they can talk. So we taught her basic, simple signs
like "more", "please", "thank you." I couldn't believe how quickly she picked
it up and started communicating.

------
pongogogo
The best piece of advice I got was to only read one book.

There's tonnes and tonnes of diverse opinions about what approaches to take
but I think that's because what matters is not the approach you choose but the
consistency in applying it, which is what babies thrive on.

So it's a good time to be a hedgehog and not a fox, just find one book which
fits your world view and then follow that guide religiously. This is also much
less stressful than juggling all of the conflicting advice you're going to
receive.

Have a blast and best of luck on your journey!

------
cannonedhamster
90% of parenting is just being there. You have to show up and most everything
else falls into place. Get lots of diapers. Don't give them alcohol or drugs.
Baby powder. Wipe front to back and always put the baby onto something in case
they blew the diaper out. Be kind to your sibling when you get tired and
frustrated. Be kind to yourself. A trick that worked to get my child to sleep
was gently tapping between the eyebrows. It made them blink which if they are
already tired can help speed the process along.

------
dpeck
“Happiest Baby on The Block” (DVD) was a blessing for having a few simple
steps that generally work to calm down a newborn when none of the usual
suspects like hunger, burping, poop, etc are causing it.

But really the best advice you're going to get is sleep when they sleep. Don't
try to "catch up" on work or whatever when your newborn is asleep, you'll
regret it. Get rest, take a lot of deep breathes, enjoy your little one
sleeping in your arms when you can. It only last a while.

------
barbarei
Practically there isn't much to prepare for for the first few months. Feeding,
pooping, sleeping, clothing and bathing are the main things to deal with. Make
sure you are comfortable with your pediatrician, a good one will tell you to
call whenever, especially during the first few weeks/months.

Saying that, its exhausting. Beware of the baby blues, in both you and your
partner.

The only piece of advice that stuck with me was "be patient, laugh often". At
certain difficult times that became my mantra.

------
draz
\- First aid for infants course: self explanatory. \- "Baby Bargains" book:
does a fairly good job at creating a list of important data points to consider
when purchasing a class of of baby products (strollers, car seats, etc.). You
can then use it to optimize your purchase to your needs (price point and
features). \- Babycenter website had a nice weekly email you could sign up for
that describes the various milestones you could expect for your child.

------
cafard
Penelope Leach's book seems sensible to me.

One minor warning: baby-proofing products are not created equal. We got some
plastic inserts for the electrical plugs, and were horrified to see our son
crawl up to one, remove it, stick it in his mouth and then try to replace it.
I wish I remembered the names of the two brands, the one whose inserts could
be removed by an eight-month-old, and the one whose inserts couldn't. But
check the stuff they sell you.

------
gravelc
The best preparation is to make sure you have plenty of time away from work.
In Australia with 'double-dipping' maternity leave, my wife had a year off and
I took 6 weeks with paternity and other leave. Incredibly glad we did it.

Learnt everything we needed to learn then.

By the time the 2nd one came around, we realise how much we had overthought
the first one though. Baby rearing isn't complicated with a healthy child -
it's just very very tiring.

------
sloaken
"What to expect when expecting", and the follow up books on the first few
years. What it did mostly was address anxiety issues of 'omg is that
normal....'

The other thing was telling my wife: 'Do not worry about if we are going to
screw our child up. It is guaranteed. Only thing you can control is how badly
you screw them up. That and hope Jerry Springer is canceled before they get
old enough'

------
krm01
There are so many articles, books and what not out there on the subject. The
best thing I did was not read any of it. Many first time parents have a
consistent feeling of ‘doing it all wrong’. The more you read, the more you’ll
just feed that emotion. Best thing, IMHO, is to just approach it like the
child itself: figure it out as you go and enjoy every micro second of it. Be
in the moment.

------
tempsy
I think responding to a child’s emotional needs from age 0-3 is perhaps the
single most underrated thing a parent must do to ensure their kids grow up
emotionally well-adjusted and capable of secure attachment.

Sadly I don’t think this is widely known or taught to new parents. I fear we
will see a generation of emotionally neglected children of distracted parents.

------
patatino
As soon as you see a pattern what works best for your baby it will change
again. Don't try to force a system that 'works'. Be ok with it changing all
the time.

Read up what is normal for the age you baby currently is. It helps a lot
accepting that it can be a difficult phase when you know what your baby might
be going through.

------
DisruptiveDave
5 weeks out from my first. Read 4 books. Went to 6 classes. Made lots of
spreadsheets for some reason.

Mostly, just getting as comfortable as possible with "me and wifey will figure
it all out, like we always do." What's coming will come, and we'll face it
when it does.

Also, "have fucking fun, dude" reminders on the hour to myself.

------
rossdavidh
I liked this book, which was given to me by my older brother (who became a
father before I did): [https://www.amazon.com/Be-Prepared-Gary-
Greenberg/dp/0743251...](https://www.amazon.com/Be-Prepared-Gary-
Greenberg/dp/0743251547/)

------
sparrish
Best preparation in my opinion is "On Becoming Babywise" the the other "On
Becoming ....wise" books. They're the instruction manuals that should come
with a new kid.

We got them before #1 arrive and they've worked great for all 7 of our kids
with very different personalities and temperaments.

------
JauntTrooper
Congratulations!

Baby 411 was a good book.

The hospital also offered a class on things like how to swaddle and change
diapers, which was helpful.

And we liked an app called The Wonder Weeks that describes some of the
milestones / developments the baby is going through.

Otherwise we didn’t do much else and we were just fine. There’s always google
if something comes up!

------
ozzmotik
i honestly didn't. it just sorta ended up happening and then i did my best to
take care of my son and make sure his needs were met. best two years of my
life until my ex left me and took him away. but ultimately my advice is that
while you can definitely learn from others, read books, and such, a lot of
parenting is instinctual and about having an empathic connection with your own
flesh and blood (or adopted child if that's the route you choose to take as my
mother did with me). we have deeply encoded responses to children within our
genetics and i think that it's really important to trust those rather than
ignore them specifically for data that was acquired externally from a third
party source. every situation is going to be different, and it's important to
remain fluid and flexible

------
stunt
Maybe also some reading on economics part of parenting. I have the "Cribsheet"
bookmarked.

[https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40121328-cribsheet](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40121328-cribsheet)

------
flycaliguy
Eat out a lot before you have a kid. I cherish the memories of quiet romantic
dinners with my wife.

------
smoyer
I wasn't mentally prepared and the enormity of what we were undertaking hit me
hard for the first few months. My youngest is now a year away from college and
I'm happy to say that having kids has been one of the best aspects of my life!

------
AndrewDucker
Here's the advice I gave my brother when he first became a father.
[https://andrewducker.dreamwidth.org/3746257.html](https://andrewducker.dreamwidth.org/3746257.html)

------
d--b
only advice to both parents: take as much time out of work as you can.

Kids grow quickly, and they feel stress. It’s good for you and your kids that
you have a lot of time for them and for yourselves.

------
Ahmedb
The best thing we did was to pick up a well established book and avoid click
bait articles. So many articles out there are pure garbage.

------
johnisgood
This is a pretty short and likely inadequate answer, but: I would definitely
read books on child development and whatnot. :)

------
mdo123
When you're in the thick of it, just remember, it won't be like this forever.

------
benrawk
Just sleep as much as possible before the baby comes. And maybe take a
vacation. :)

------
andreshb
For the first 3 months

Buy

“Happiest baby on the block” book

And buy

“Sleepea”

It’s like magic to get your baby to fall asleep and stop crying in less than
60 seconds

------
ykevinator
I did nothing. It's easy and natural. Just be a good person.

~~~
stareatgoats
You're down voted, but I think this is a basic truth too, to some extent. But
it is natural to try and prepare as well, and to do nothing would not be very
natural for most first-time parents. That said, there is a lot to be said for
just listening to your child, and taking it from there. They tell you what
they need, and you provide it (especially if it is an infant, otherwise if you
think it is good for them), just like good people have always done.

------
k4rel
Some children are relaxed, others are like hurricanes, you will learn after
your first child which you have, and only truly confirm that after your second
child arrives and you have a means for comparison.

Some children will be easy to take care of, will drink milk without issues,
others will loathe milk, have tongue ties and find eating and drinking tedious
and laborious... It totally depends on your son/daughter.

Be prepared not to sleep much, by sleeping as much as you can now. It won't
help in the long term, but may give you more opportunity if your baby is
finding their start difficult for the first few weeks.

Some babies will be okay for a few weeks, then suddenly change their general
nature so try to be attentive. After a few days, babies tend to start cluster
feeds, so if they are breast feeding you may find the strain a lot to bare at
the beginning (hence the sleep advice). Try not to let emotions rule your
choices, as it can be hard if you are sleep deprived. If you are bottle
feeding, then this might not be as big of an issue/it might.

Lots of people have advice and good intentions, but like many have said...
Lots of people have kids, but nobody has yours... So try stuff out, see how it
plays out and try to find the best solutions. Try to gain some support from
others around you if you can, friends, family, etc... As it can be hard to
remember what talking to adults feels like at times.

If you are the person having the baby, try to keep a support network of
friends/people to reach out to, and try to go out and see the world with the
newborn as isolation can have it's downsides on you. If you are the partner,
keep an eye on the pregnant party as the baby blues can be real and difficult
situation for a parent to deal with. Even if you are the partner, it could
also affect you, so try to stay in contact with people you trust and get time
outside where possible. It can be very tiring on you as a person.

By the time your child gets to a few years of age, you will likely have a good
poop/urine story somewhere in the bank, so make sure you have some deep
cleaning detergents to hand incase. Babies love pooping, and you are likely
not as proficient at applying a nappy as they are at exploding its contents.

Sometimes babies get colic, there are some special holds to help with this.
Your child may/may not get it. But there are definitely holds that can help,
for my children I used the superman hold
([http://www.quicktipsfornewdads.com/blog/4-ways-to-safely-
hol...](http://www.quicktipsfornewdads.com/blog/4-ways-to-safely-hold-your-
newborn-baby/)), and it worked a treat, again YMMV.

But most of all, try to enjoy it where you can. They are babies for an
extraordinarily short period of their lives, and it disappears before you even
know where it went. Take photos, enjoy cuddles, and appreciate the moments you
will have as a new family.

It's tough work, there's no manuals, and everyone has advice, but nobody is
going to have your child. Best of luck

