
Ask HN: What are your best “soft skill” resources? - acconrad
I&#x27;m at this point in my career where I&#x27;m in a good groove improving my technical skills, but I&#x27;m starting to require more and more time into my softer skills (communication, negotiation, persuation, et al). What are your favorite resources (classes, websites, books, blogs) that you use to develop those skills?
======
JacobAldridge
Always a risk to self-promote, but last month our team launched our Compass
Platform - Behavioral Indicators and associated support to help business
founders and leadership teams in private enterprise [1].

I've found these are more balanced, so work better than tools like DISC and
Myers-Briggs, which tend to 'put people into a box' and therefore work against
creating an inclusive environment.

The four soft skills these tools help me understand with my clients and
prospective clients are Communication, Attitude to Risk, Role Preference
(Entrepreneur Leader Manager), and Natural Pace (what pg calls Makers v
Managers).

I've obviously done some training on these, and nowadays deliver (mostly
internal company) training on them as well. The website and online tests are a
great starting point - having an understanding of a potential client or
recruit's Risk profile, for example, makes it so much easier to connect with
them and explain a value proposition.

[1] [http://www.shirlawscompass.com/](http://www.shirlawscompass.com/)

~~~
analog31
_...having an understanding of a potential client or recruit 's Risk profile,
for example, makes it so much easier to connect with them and explain a value
proposition..._

Maybe I'm not getting this, but I can't think of a reason why I'd supply
someone with information to help them deliver a sales pitch or to negotiate
with me.

~~~
JacobAldridge
Good point. I'm a business coach/consultant, so my clients provide this
information because it also helps enormously with understanding why they are
doing what they do as business leaders. It's slightly deeper than providing
your email address (hello sales emails) for an ebook (which is worth it).

To the OP's point, however, being aware of these skills and your own
preferences makes it easier to assess others you meet. If you know the Risk
Profile for you and your team, you may be able to judge in a negotiation that
the other party chases returns but abhors volatility and adjust your approach
accordingly.

------
wwkeyboard
You might try Toastmasters. Once you get past the first few "nervousness"
lessons they focus on how to convey meaning with speech. Every chapter is
different, so YMMV. Several of the speeches you have to prepare cover
persuasion, motivation, and how to structure a speech so that everyone
remembers exactly what you want them to remember. They teach through having
you give a series of 5-7 minute speeches, but I've found the practice helpful
beyond giving a formal talk.

~~~
hluska
I second Toastmasters. They took me from a shy undergraduate who had panic
attacks the night before speaking in front of a class and turned me into
someone who genuinely loves public speaking and hasn't used notes to speak in
over a decade!!

There are two caveats to Toastmasters:

\- each chapter is different. I have now belonged to three and loved two. The
third chapter was my personal hell of realtors and financial managers who were
trolling for clients. My self promotion allergy was way too active...

\- you get exactly what you put into TM. I know a guy who started in the same
chapter at the same time as me. I spoke every chance that I could get and
improved quickly. He was never willing to truly embarrass himself, rarely
spoke and got next to nothing out of the organization.

------
selleck
I just finished The Charisma Myth:

[http://www.amazon.com/Charisma-Myth-Science-Personal-
Magneti...](http://www.amazon.com/Charisma-Myth-Science-Personal-
Magnetism/dp/1591845947/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1438459778&sr=8-1&keywords=charisma)

On audio book and immediately bought a physical copy. The book is filled with
tips and tricks to increase your charisma that can be applied right away.

~~~
topherjaynes
Great book, author stopped by Stanford entrepreneurship class so you can watch
her talk here
[http://ecorner.stanford.edu/authorMaterialInfo.html?mid=3005](http://ecorner.stanford.edu/authorMaterialInfo.html?mid=3005)

------
keerthiko
What helped me was going full-time digital nomad for the last 2 years.

Mostly out of my desire to see specific places, I ended up going to cities
very far away from all of my existing contacts and acquaintances. Getting
incredibly lonely in a foreign city where I don't speak the language and have
no friends or coworkers, I was forced out into the wild to get to know people
through any means possible. It was important for me to learn to connect
quickly and deeply with people to have meaningful relationships fast enough to
provide me any value before I moved on from that city to the next (about 2-3
months).

I was terrible at it for the first 2 cities I went to, but by the 5th I was
surprising myself.

------
mettamage
Empathy

The book Search Inside Yourself by Chade-Meng Tan the best book I know. It
describes scientifically studied exercises of the mind that you can do by
yourself. It will boost your empathy much higher than anything I've
experienced (or read about on Sciencedaily). It explains the science too and
you can look it up. One thing though, reading the book is part 1, part 2 is
performing the exercises. If you won't perform the exercises, then reading the
book has not much of a purpose.

In my experience, I got to amazing levels of empathy by doing these exercises.
I felt like I had godlike skills. My intuition could immediately signal me if
a woman liked me (first time ever in my life). Two months later I was in a
relationship. I could spot feelings that my friends had that they were not
aware of.

There are some caveats though, which goes for any book that will be presented
here. The moment I stopped practicing, my level got down a bit above baseline
before I started. So most structural gains are hard to keep, which goes for
any trained skill. Another downside is that everything you see has a bigger
impact on you. So when you'd go to an action movie, you'd feel like you're
right in it. When you look at a rose you feel like you're a rose, that sort of
thing. When you drink one sip of alcohol you feel the effect of it already on
your perception in very subtle ways (that might be a good thing though).

Some final thoughts: I believe books train deliberation aka the slow system.
Exercises, mental or physical, train the fast system. Checkout Thinking, Fast
and Slow by Daniel Kahneman. I believe it's a useful approximation to how
thinking works. Also, while empathy is a big component in becoming better,
it's not the only component.

------
josephmosby
"Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg was very helpful for me. A
great resource about choice of words and the internal assumptions we make when
we communicate in certain ways. [http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-
Communication-A-Language-Li...](http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-
Communication-A-Language-Life/dp/1892005034)

------
colinbartlett
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie should be required
reading for anyone who interacts with human beings.

~~~
jxm262
This book has been mentioned to me at least a dozen times. For some reason,
your comment is the one that just pushed me over the edge to buy it :)

I'm posting this just because it's been recommended so often to me there must
be something to it.

~~~
t-3-k
For me that tipping point was when I came across this:

>The one book we encourage startup founders to read is Dale Carnegie's How to
Win Friends and Influence People. It's critically important for anyone in
business.

[http://www.paulgraham.com/startupfaq.html](http://www.paulgraham.com/startupfaq.html)

------
flarg
What actually helped me was to get married - it's the best training in soft
skills that you can get.

------
jsonmez
I actually wrote a book, specifically to teach "soft skills" to software
developers.

In fact, my whole life and business is dedicated to that aim.

Soft Skills: The Software Developer's Life Manual
([http://simpleprogrammer.com/softskills](http://simpleprogrammer.com/softskills))

------
protomyth
Do some volunteer work, it looks good on your resume, it does some good in the
world, and it improves your soft skills because it takes you out of your grove
and sticks you in a new, non-threatening situation (hopefully). Plus, most
volunteer events have mentors that will teach you how to deal with people. Do
something simple, do not go overboard, and listen to how the professionals
there deal with people.

------
thisjustinm
I recommend "Soft Skills: A software developer's life manual" by John Sonmez

[http://www.manning.com/sonmez/](http://www.manning.com/sonmez/)

~~~
ibash
I own / read parts of that book. I found it lacking on advice about working
within a company, there were two chapters on working within a company and then
it dives into quitting your job and working on your brand.

Are there any other recommendations that have more information on working
within a company?

------
walterbell
1) Tactical Office Politics

[http://www.manager-
tools.com/2013/04/politics-101-chapter-3-...](http://www.manager-
tools.com/2013/04/politics-101-chapter-3-myth-just-world-part-1)

[http://www.manager-
tools.com/2013/05/politics-101-chapter-3-...](http://www.manager-
tools.com/2013/05/politics-101-chapter-3-myth-just-world-part-2)

" _This guidance probably should have been Chapter 1 of our Politics 101
series. It’s foundational. It’s a HUGE problem for many professionals,
particularly young – and dare we say it, naïve – professionals. So many young
people say, “I don’t ‘play politics.’” The more savvy folks around them think,
that’s good, because this isn’t a ‘game’ you can ‘play.’ "_

2) Improve human memory, reduce dependence on high-latency offboard storage
(paper, web)

[http://mt.artofmemory.com/wiki/Main_Page](http://mt.artofmemory.com/wiki/Main_Page)

3) GTD for Hackers,
[https://gtdfh.branchable.com](https://gtdfh.branchable.com)

4) The language of organizational models/patterns. The book _" Key Management
Models"_ has a good overview,
[http://www.google.com/search?q=key%20management%20models](http://www.google.com/search?q=key%20management%20models).
The 3rd edition has 75 org models which help when designing the model de jour.

5) Richard Hamming, "You and Your Research", 1986,
[http://www.cs.virginia.edu/~robins/YouAndYourResearch.html](http://www.cs.virginia.edu/~robins/YouAndYourResearch.html)

 _" One of the characteristics of successful scientists is having courage.
Once you get your courage up and believe that you can do important problems,
then you can. If you think you can't, almost surely you are not going to.
Courage is one of the things that Shannon had supremely. You have only to
think of his major theorem. He wants to create a method of coding, but he
doesn't know what to do so he makes a random code. Then he is stuck. And then
he asks the impossible question, `What would the average random code do?' He
then proves that the average code is arbitrarily good, and that therefore
there must be at least one good code. Who but a man of infinite courage could
have dared to think those thoughts? That is the characteristic of great
scientists; they have courage. They will go forward under incredible
circumstances;"_

~~~
Shaniqua
>’” The more savvy folks around them think, that’s good, because this isn’t a
‘game’ you can ‘play.’ "

Politics strikes me as something very atavistic. I avoid people who play
politics at all costs - I simply can't imagine anything good coming from them.

~~~
sib
Unfortunately, as Pericles said, "Just because you do not take an interest in
politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you." (Sometimes also
attributed to Trotsky)

------
nphyte
how to win friends and influence people - Dale Carnegie.

~~~
dietrichepp
The title of the book put me off, but it worthwhile to read. Some of the stuff
seems basic, but we all (speaking as a developer) had to learn the basics of
computer programming, too.

~~~
yitchelle
About to say the same thing. I resisted a couple of times. Just wished that
they did not pick a title comes across as manuscript for snake oil selling.

The basic and obvious stuff needs to be spelled out as it solidified the
concepts.

------
mbrownnyc
I'm surprised by the lack of philosophy writings mentioned here.

I'm averse to sociopathic and manipulative teachings such as my book-by-its-
cover judgement of "How to Win Friends and Influence People" and the like.

Instead, I began my journey several years ago reading through "Mindfulness in
Plain English" by Guranatana. More recently I began frequenting the Farnam
Street blog, being turned onto reading "The Obstacle is the Way," by Ryan
Holiday, which lead me to "Meditations" by Marcus Aurelius, and I'll be
picking up "Letters from a Stoic" as soon as I'm done with "The Kingdom of God
Is Within You" by Tolstoy (having never read Tolstoy's non-fiction writing
previous to "A Letter to a Hindu," which was posted to Hacker News a few weeks
ago).

I would say that the most powerful book I've read is Meditations. The
perspective the book holds is that you are a person, and people are pre-wired
to do good for society and for other people (as entities); that this is innate
in you, and you MUST use this to do good. It is a book focused on resilience
in the face of circumstances, people and things that people do that aren't
good.

~~~
NickyNay
I second this. Focusing on good teachings such as "Meditations" is simply a
good way to live life, and the rest follows. Related to "Meditations" is "The
Art of Living" which is a collection of teachings from Epictetus. Epictetus
was Marcus Aurelius' teacher. It's collected in such a way that each page
makes a point that you can think about for the rest of the day and try to
apply it - like a devotional.

------
soham
Best way, is to actually put yourself in a situation where you have to live
the skills you're trying to get better at. i.e. I'd suggest you work a short
(part-time) side stint in Sales or Customer support or Recruiting, especially
under a seasoned manager and sincerely carry a quota. The pressure of actually
closing that deal will improve you at a rate nothing else will.

Books and everything else will definitely help, but I'd treat them as
supplemental resources. You don't get good at soccer by reading about it. You
got to play it. You don't get good at coding by reading about coding; you have
to actually write code.

Not saying you meant that you only want to read in order to get better and
nothing else, but just trying to draw attention that getting better at soft
skills is also about actual practice, like anything else.

[Me: [http://InterviewKickstart.com](http://InterviewKickstart.com). We
practice for tech interviews, and we get better at those too]

~~~
at-fates-hands
Came here to say the same thing. It's one thing to read a book, it's quite
another to handle objections on the fly with an argumentative customer
standing in front of you.

I had a buddy who was terrified to do presentations and was very socially
awkward. He finally decided in order to overcome these issues, he started a
side company and created a small app that he wanted to sell. He literally
forced himself to cold call people in order to get more comfortable
interacting with clients. Then he would try and set up meetings where he would
have to present his idea to the clients.

It was a very elaborate way for him to overcome his fears and get comfortable
being in front of people and selling people on his product. It wasn't easy,
but the one thing he had going for him was determination to do it in order to
learn some very valuable skills.

------
mwilliamson
Made to Stick, by Chip and Dan Heath [1]. They ask "how is it that certain
ideas seem to stick our minds better than others?", and give concrete advice
on how to improve the stickiness of your own ideas. I've found it useful to
avoid forgettable business waffle that fails to change people's minds nor
behaviour. One of the many examples they give is of Nordstrom (a fashion
retailer). They could have said "we want to delight our customers". Instead,
they use stories of employees that embodied those principles: ironing a shirt
for a customer that needed it that afternoon, refunding tyre chains even
though Nordstrom doesn't sell tyre chains.

[1] [http://www.amazon.co.uk/Made-Stick-ideas-others-
unstuck-x/dp...](http://www.amazon.co.uk/Made-Stick-ideas-others-
unstuck-x/dp/009950569X)

------
zhte415
Harvard's Program on Negotiation.

'Any meeting, discussion, or human contact, is basically a negotiation.' is
their stance, with a real emphasis on role play. Position vs. Interest, Group
vs. 1-1, etc.

The role play exercises can be downloaded from
[http://www.pon.harvard.edu/store/](http://www.pon.harvard.edu/store/) * Free
for checking / testing with detailed notes for the trainer / post-exercise *
Low price for use (around $3 dollars/copy licensed use - super low for what
they bring)

What do they bring? Really accelerated understanding of behavior (yours and
theirs) in any interaction you have. This is be done via role-play and
reflection, not a reading and 'know it' resource, so download a few and play
them with colleagues.

------
ndespres
1\. Career Tools and Manager Tools podcasts. Career advice, interviewing help,
resume-building, team interactions, navigating office life/culture, salary
negotiation, having your voice heard, and many other topics discussed in a
friendly and approachable way. I listen every week. [https://www.manager-
tools.com/](https://www.manager-tools.com/)

2\. "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" isn't just
for talking to children. Some good advice in here that applies to talking with
adults also. [http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-
Listen/dp/145166388...](http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-
Listen/dp/1451663889)

~~~
sitkack
Related, "How to Speak How to Listen" by Mortimer Adler,
[http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/169928.How_to_Speak_How_t...](http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/169928.How_to_Speak_How_to_Listen)

Also, Alan Watts [http://www.openculture.com/2014/01/the-zen-teachings-of-
alan...](http://www.openculture.com/2014/01/the-zen-teachings-of-alan-watts-a-
free-audio-archive.html)

------
enraged_camel
Toastmasters is a phenomenal resource for improving one's public speaking and
improvisation skills.

------
firepoet
I have many many recommendations. Here are a few of what I've experienced and
practiced:

[https://www.neuroleadership.com/education/bbc/brain-based-
co...](https://www.neuroleadership.com/education/bbc/brain-based-conversation-
skills/) Training -- Brain-Based Conversation Skills

[http://www.quietleadership.com/index](http://www.quietleadership.com/index)
Book -- Quiet Leadership

[http://www.centerforappreciativeinquiry.net/](http://www.centerforappreciativeinquiry.net/)
Training -- Appreciative Inquiry

[http://www.amazon.com/Appreciative-Inquiry-Positive-
Revoluti...](http://www.amazon.com/Appreciative-Inquiry-Positive-Revolution-
Change/dp/1576753565) Book -- Appreciative Inquiry: A Positive Revolution in
Change

[http://aliainstitute.org/](http://aliainstitute.org/) Authentic Leadership in
Action Institute (Buddhist foundation)

[http://shambhala.org/](http://shambhala.org/) The path of meditation focused
on creating "enlightened society." Starts with where most of the issue is:
your own mind.

~~~
wpietri
Let me second the appreciative inquiry stuff. As a programmer, I'm used to
looking for problems so I can fix them. But I wasn't nearly as good at
consciously appreciating what was working well. It has been a big help in
improving how I work with people.

------
dmourati
For negotiation, I can recommend: Getting More,
[http://www.amazon.com/Getting-More-Negotiate-Succeed-
Work/dp...](http://www.amazon.com/Getting-More-Negotiate-Succeed-
Work/dp/0307716902)

The author, Stuart Diamond, gives workshops at my company. I was able to
attend one early at my tenure there and the book and workshop helped me
understand how to use negotiation to get what I want.

------
rrecuero
From my point of view, it boils down to communication and self awareness.
Nonviolent Communication that was mentioned before is a great book.

Also, I found that the Pathwise Leadership Program
([http://pathwisemanagement.com/](http://pathwisemanagement.com/)) has helped
me a great deal in knowing myself and finding out how to frame your
communication in the best way possible.

------
bane
I urge technical people to explore non-technical subjects and general "well
roundedness". I've gotten immense relaxation and satisfaction from community
art classes, martial arts, yoga, etc. There's a powerful argument that
technical work is inherently creative, but creative work without the technical
is something else entirely.

I also urge technical people to study history, language, speech, public
performance and public speech giving. All of those things give a sense of
perspective, and abilities to confer with partners and customers on a level
that most technical folks don't understand.

Public performance in particular enables one to overcome lots of fears and be
able to talk in front of both crowds and executives. This capability is often
rewarded in important ways that build one's career...and the only way to get
good at it is to do it.

------
tome
Negotiation:
[http://www.negotiationgenius.com/](http://www.negotiationgenius.com/)

Networking: [http://keithferrazzi.com/products/never-eat-
alone/](http://keithferrazzi.com/products/never-eat-alone/)

------
antonp
"The Art Of Charm" podcast has some great episodes about that stuff. Check out
some of these:
[http://theartofcharm.com/best/](http://theartofcharm.com/best/)

------
nickpsecurity
Dale Carnegie's book is the obvious choice. However, Lifetime Conversation
Guide by Van Fleet had a ton of specific stuff tailored to different
situations. Stumbled upon it in a thrift store and bought it because of its
thoroughness along with giving me a few good ideas.

[http://www.amazon.com/Lifetime-Conversation-Guide-James-
Flee...](http://www.amazon.com/Lifetime-Conversation-Guide-James-
Fleet/dp/0135364000%3FSubscriptionId%3DAKIAILSHYYTFIVPWUY6Q%26tag%3Dduckduckgo-d-20%26linkCode%3Dxm2%26camp%3D2025%26creative%3D165953%26creativeASIN%3D0135364000)

------
danmaz74
My two go-to books on the subject, very complementary to each other, are:

\- The charisma myth: [http://www.amazon.com/The-Charisma-Myth-Personal-
Magnetism/d...](http://www.amazon.com/The-Charisma-Myth-Personal-
Magnetism/dp/1591845947)

\- Make your contacts count: [http://www.amazon.com/Make-Your-Contacts-Count-
Networking/dp...](http://www.amazon.com/Make-Your-Contacts-Count-
Networking/dp/0814474020/)

------
thadd
I've found the best is a combination of being social and spending a good
amount of time reading. If you're looking for books, take a look at The Great
Books of the Western World.

------
mrmrcoleman
They're not soft skill. They're really fucking hard skills:
[https://vimeo.com/134601419](https://vimeo.com/134601419)

------
pjmorris
Pretty much the entire Jerry Weinberg canon, but 'Becoming A Technical
Leader', and 'Secrets of Consulting' are two excellent places to start.

~~~
samstokes
Just want to vigorously agree with the recommendation of "Becoming a Technical
Leader".

That's even if you don't think a leader is what you want to become. One of the
earliest points he makes is that leadership is something you do, not something
you are - and if you're trying to persuade people, that's a leadership
behaviour.

------
samuell
The book of Proverbs in the Bible. I'm amazed at how useful these brief, to-
the-point and very practical advice have been in my life, time after time.

While being very (sometimes almost humoristically) concrete, I have figured
that there are great principles there in behind, that you'll get committed
into your spine, by testing these advice out in practice.

------
gremoire
Soft Skill by John Sonmez (published by MAnning)

Although written as the "Software Developer's Life Manual" the lessons taught
in this book is universal to all careers.

I really wish I had this manual 21 years when I started out on my career. It
would have been a great guideline in stead of lessons learned the hard way.

------
bootload
_" What are your favorite resources that you use to develop those skills?"_

Non verbals, body language skills ~
[https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher](https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher)

------
zakvyn
What do you want to achieve with soft skill. If to help you develop better
software. I think always ask detail question about business, user
requirements. Able to break down large business case to smaller ones. Write
better comments about your code, should be enough.

------
danappleman
There are many soft-skill and career courses on pluralsight
[http://www.pluralsight.com/search/?searchTerm=career](http://www.pluralsight.com/search/?searchTerm=career)

(yes, some of them are mine)

------
sopooneo
Not a resource, so much as a technique, but I've just been baffled to find
myself moving slightly into management, and my new mantra, whenever I'm not
absolutely positive what I should be saying is: listen.

------
rayalez
RSD Blueprint by Tyler. Really life-changing stuff.

------
qznc
[http://changingminds.org/](http://changingminds.org/)

Wiki-style collection of this stuff.

~~~
lrocode
Wow. This is an incredible database with a lot of interesting things. Thanks
for sharing!

