
Reflections on Being a Female Founder - ralphleon
https://tracy.posthaven.com/reflections-on-being-a-female-founder
======
ClassAndBurn
Tracy was the best CEO I ever worked for. Hands down.

She listened to everyone and made PlanGrid a place where everyone was
empowered to make change. Her passion to solve problems was obvious and raw.
She attracted people who were similarly passionate.

I knew she had it harder than others when I saw one of our own VC's caller her
a "little girl" while doing a fireside chat with her at PlanGrid. In spite of
it all she built a truly amazing company and culture.

If you are reading this thanks Tracy.

~~~
nchelluri
man, that sounds like a trashy thing (for the VC to have done).

~~~
jasonwatkinspdx
I worked for a woman cofounder. It's incredible the things some VCs told her,
including trying to get the other founder to drop her from the deal explicitly
because of her gender.

Make no mistake about it, the ugly goes way deeper than just a bad comment
here or there. Thankfully the trend is toward better.

~~~
kmonsen
Is the trend towards better? I used to think so but the stories I heard in my
time in Google was really, really depressing. The problem is that getting
worse can be a self-reinforcing thing. Once a few women get badly treated and
leaves the gender imbalance gets worse and the bad behavior gets normalized.

~~~
rapsey
There is always at least one guy in any group more then a handful of people.
It is terrible what kind of bullshit women have to go through in this
industry.

~~~
aptwebapps
The first time I read this comment I failed to parse what you meant by 'one
guy' and thought you were being sarcastic.

~~~
cutemonster
I also wonder what does it mean: "at least one guy"? -- it means one person
who says ridiculing things towards women (in this context)?

(I'm not a native speaker)

------
divbzero
> On some days, I would park my car on a sleepy street in Palo Alto and pump
> milk with a silicone hand pump in front of someone’s nice house, reading
> profiles of the investors in my next meeting from my iPhone. Occasionally
> someone would drive up, or a jogger would run by, and I would feel
> completely humiliated.

This is just a small bit of everything Tracy wrote. But I would love to see
this stigma changed. There should be no shame in caring for your child.

Thank you for sharing your story.

~~~
yomly
Taking a step back from her story, I find it so weird that we stigmatise some
of the most universal human experiences.

Essentially every person will piss burp fart and poop. And almost every person
has one of two genitals. (EDIT and our biological parents will have one of
each). And almost every mother will feed their baby with their breasts.

And yet we have become so detached from the animal part of our identity and so
caught up in some abstract values that we get squeamish seeing and talking
about these things.

We have much to learn on this front from our scandi and dutch friends who have
chilled the F out.

~~~
jacquesm
This is much more of a thing in the United States than elsewhere in the world.

~~~
jwr
Definitely. In most of Europe things are more normal: it's normal for women to
be prime ministers or presidents, it's OK to breastfeed your child in public,
and at least among my programmer peers, women are regarded with _more_ respect
than men (since there are so few of them in IT).

In Poland, the catholic church and the "conservatives" still work hard at
enforcing the old barbaric gender stereotypes, but they get little traction
among the educated population.

~~~
WesolyKubeczek
In Poland sexism in IT is still strong among some academic types. Not only
sexism, but bags of other prejudices as well. I’d call it the „frustrated
elitism syndrome”.

~~~
jwr
Really? I have no experience with academia, but in commercial settings I don't
see any of it.

------
timsally
Tracy, I haven't participated in HN for about two years. This article hit me
so hard I had to log in to say thank you and express my sincere appreciation.

I remember seeing an interview with you when you first started PlanGrid and it
was clear you were going places. Telling this part of the story is deeply
important and takes incredible courage.

~~~
rdamico
Same here. This was such an inspirational read. Thank you for sharing this.

------
drobert
We had gender roles because it was the most effective way to survive and raise
a family. The cost was that women were assigned rather basic responsibilities.
Because tech and services have evolved families can outsource some of the
chors done by women in the past like cooking, cleaning. In the case of making
babies the the technology is still in development but we will get there.
Artificial wombs will be an option in the next decades. Still the baby
requires for the normal emotional development close contact with the mother.
In the end the fundamental role of the mother to bond with the baby cannot be
outsourced and I do not think that's desirable. Will there always be
differences between men and women in the workplace? I think the answer to the
question is yes, at least for women who chose to raise a family.

Fundamentaly that is a life choice. But now with more freedom for women there
is more pressure for them to achieve.

Creating a company is hard, very hard. Raising a kid at the same time I
believe it requires super human effort. I profoundly respect the author, she
is a real fighter. But few women when given the choice would choose to do what
she did. Feeding a baby in the car while doing research seems far from
desirable for most women I presume. Then the question is why she did it? I
will be interested to know her view, but I presume she really cared about her
company and it was beyond money.

This is the price to pay for creating a company, Musk works crazy hours to
keep his two companies alive. Female founders with a kid are under the same
pressure. There is nothing we can do here to make it easier: the world of
businesses is a race, a competition, nobody cares about you're personal
problems: a kid, cancer, etc.

> I want to see a world where men and women, who make up equal halves of
> humanity, also make up equal halves of leadership. When that happens, I
> wholeheartedly believe that the entire world will benefit.

The push towards equality of outcomes is a dangerous ones as it creates
expectations that are not realistic to be met. Given our biological makeup and
the roles that derive from that I believe this is the not realistic. While I
totally agree that women who want to lead and are willing to make the
sacrifices required are making the world a better place, it is not for
everyone and we should accept and respect that.

~~~
galoisgirl
> But few women when given the choice would choose to do what she did. Feeding
> a baby in the car while doing research seems far from desirable for most
> women I presume. Then the question is why she did it?

I'd say the question is why men do it.

In The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, all men say "I wish I hadn't worked so
hard". (That's the second after "I wish I'd had the courage to live a life
true to myself, not the life others expected of me", and others' expectations
of male CEOs are a problem too.)

Why do men chose to live a life they regret later?

~~~
drobert
I think for men the incentives are different. If they succeed they have more
options in dating, financial freedom, respect from other men, etc. Women get
respect too but don't think more dating options (I would even presume the
opposite). I met few women that are heavily into investments and becoming
independent financially. Women value more relationships, happiness. Men are
willing to sacrifice those for money and fame.

The fundamental issue at hand is sexual selection and the desire to leave
something behind. It goes beyond societal norms and is buried deep into our
biology.

> Men Wanted: For hazardous journey. Small wages, bitter cold, long months of
> complete darkness, constant danger, safe return doubtful. Honour and
> recognition in case of success. Ernest Shackleton

~~~
cutemonster
This is the answer, I'm pretty certain.

But I think it'd be good with more female CEO's, for the whole world (this
also based on biology).

------
irjustin
I was lucky enough to hear Tracy speak recently. Her persona oozed so much of
what I wish I could be. Successful, confident.

There's always tougher, more human sides that we don't like to share because
it allows us to be taken down. Like revealing the weak points of our fortress
to the enemy. I can only guess what that feels like as a woman in the
industry. I 100% loved this post.

Thanks Tracy for writing this! Count me as one of your fans and whatever you
do next, motherhood, investing, founding, watching your children grow - I'm
rooting for you.

------
satyrnein
I wish there were a clear bad guy here, but most of the hardship seems to have
been caused by more diffuse social pressures. What could we have done as an
industry to improve the author's experience? Maybe just having more female
founders around in general (by removing any barriers) would make some of these
circumstances more commonplace.

~~~
belorn
Many times in the article she perceive male founders as stoic machines that
regardless of health or mental state would go to work and operate as if
nothing is wrong, and then goes to copy that. That is a stereotype that is
hurting both men and women, and removing that would resolve a lot of the
hardship.

~~~
hinkley
Postmortems often happen because someone ignored a pain point prior to the
failure, rather than taking stock and doing some preventative work.

The general pattern of pretending everything is ok is one of my least favorite
things about tech culture. I was going to say 'tech people' but it's clear
that there are people who don't like this pattern either. They tend to self-
identify (sometimes privately) when I buck the trend and do something sane
instead.

~~~
jacquesm
> The general pattern of pretending everything is ok is one of my least
> favorite things about tech culture.

This goes _way_ beyond tech. It is permeating the business world in general
and society at large as well. "How are you? Fine!" -> I'm stable and we can do
business.

VS: "How are you? Well, to be honest I'm having a lousy day, I've been ill for
the last three weeks and three of my customers have left." -> This customer
moves somewhere else as well. Besides the fact that most people really aren't
all that interested in how you feel, they simply exchange these words as some
kind of ritual formula.

People are pretending things are better than they are all the time because
society sees anything less as weakness and weakness will result in things
getting even worse for the person displaying that weakness. We are
_continuously_ conditioning each other to pretend that things are better than
they really are.

~~~
afarrell
One problem is that there isn't a social script for saying "I have been having
a low-key mental health crisis for the past 18 months" in a way that people
don't interpret as a request for help.

~~~
antepodius
And also, it's none of the other person's business. Why should they care about
you, in particular? They're just some random person looking for a solution to
their problem. They're not your fucking therapist. That's what friends are
for.

If you don't like ripping yourself to pieces, get out of the rat race after 3
years working as a programmer and live on cheap land away from cities (if
you're in the US), growing your own vegetables. It's a much better life.

------
ameister14
I first truly understood how different it was for women when a friend came
home from an investor pitch and casually complained to another woman we lived
with that it had been another investor more interested in a date than an
investment. It was then that I found out it was common to have potential
investors take female founders out for dinner, ostensibly to talk over the
potential investment but in reality as an attempt to sleep with them. These
women felt that they couldn't really tell anyone about it because they didn't
want to poison the well of potential investment, so they just went on
fundraising and being harassed.

I don't know if things have changed much - it's been six years since I was out
there, but from reading this I think it's likely continuing on just the same
as it was then.

~~~
chillfox
Recruiters on LinkedIn are the same. They try to hook you with a nonexistent
job opportunity as a ruse to get you on what's actually a date.

------
nchelluri
This was an interesting read. I found it well written and kind of sad, if
optimistic and hopeful.

Personally, I would love to see a lot more female developers. I am betting
there is no significant difference in inherent potential talent between the
two genders, so why are almost all coders I've worked with male?

~~~
tialaramex
One thing that bugs me: Women I know who wrote software kept finding new roles
where they'd be in management instead and then they moan that they liked
writing code and miss it. Maybe that tells us that sexism in software
development is prevalent and they wanted out, which is no fault of theirs, and
maybe they just wanted more money - but it definitely sucks overall.

I find blind technical interviewing easy because I don't usually remember new
people after a few moments. My reports say "The applicant" not out of a
deliberate effort to screen the potential hire's name, race, gender - anything
like that but because if they left an hour ago I already couldn't tell you
anything whatsoever about them besides that they've got this very
idiosyncratic approach to loop structures or they seemed not to understand
what thread safety means or whatever.

The only interviewee I remember at all now was a Russian woman for whom it was
her first interview in the country, and her first interview in English, and my
core goal for the entire time was to keep her calm enough that I could discern
whether she knew how to do the job. It isn't humanly possible to stay
terrified for say months, eventually she will relax if we hire her (and she
did, she was fine within a week) - but she might manage to stay terrified for
long enough that I can't tell if she actually understands what a compound
primary key is and how these iterators I'm talking about work and if I'm not
sure then hiring her would be a big risk.

~~~
ifokiedoke
My own personal experience as a female software developer is that there is
pressure from all sides to go into management, and this pressure can come from
both ill and good intent.

Others have mentioned that it might be because of perceived superior
communication skills (good?), or perceived lack of "good-enough" technical
skills (bad?)... both of these add to the problem, but I've also experienced
that diversity-aware companies tend to explicitly _want females in management
/leadership positions_ because it sends a stronger message re: caring about
diversity than e.g. having a female senior software engineer (As unfortunate
as it is, I think most perceive "manager/team lead" as higher up the ladder
than "senior software engineer").

A specific example: I worked at a startup where D/I was a huge topic and where
we spoke about it during Town Hall all the time. Complaints (mostly from
females from within the company, not necessarily from the Engineering
department) were always about not having females as team leads, as managers,
as directors, on out executive board, etc. So every quarter, each and every
competent female engineer would be encouraged to try taking a team lead or
management role if there was one open. Of course, a bunch of us (myself
included) had 0 interest but the prodding was there.

EDIT: Also, just in case someone is going to take this as proof that "women
have it easy" at "woke" companies because the bar is lowered for going into
management or something... I feel the need to explicitly state that the bar
wasn't lowered. When I say "competent" I actually mean the dictionary
definition of "having requisite or adequate ability or qualities". I worked
with some badass female engineers, who were certainly skilled enough
technically and socially to lead a team.

~~~
Swizec
> there is pressure from all sides to go into management, and this pressure
> can come from both ill and good intent

As a guy, I keep fighting this pressure a lot too. I think it comes from
organizations who don’t have enough technical challenges and they’re afraid
top talent will leave out of boredom.

There’s always managerial challenges.

~~~
Cthulhu_
Said managerial challenges are often self-imposed though; I think a lot of
people will know of companies with too many managers, who don't do a lot of
work (that we're aware of) and spend a lot of effort looking important and
busy (and rich).

Mind you, for my previous employer (consultancy) I felt like there was too
little management and hierarchy; every department had a management team
consisting of one or two managers and one or two sales, with other non-core-
business tasks (admin) handled by the parent company. But said managers had to
do everything; sales, account management, hiring, personnel management &
reviews, conflict resolution, and oftentimes they came "from the trenches" so
there was often an attempt to help out directly in projects as well. I think
they should've spread out the roles a bit more.

Mind you, by default both sales + management there would ALWAYS earn more than
the developers; what they could have done is hire junior managers that took
some of the work without the exorbitant pay check.

------
strictfp
I'm convinced that the best thing we as society can do for gender equality
right now is to abandon the corporate roles that cater unreasonably much to
the stereotypical macho male gender role.

These are roles which in principle require you to abandon your private life
and spend all your mental energy on the company.

Why do we even have these roles? Well, according to behavioural psychology
males fight for status, and the ultimate sacrifice gives the ultimate status.

No wonder that no sane person wants a role like this.

What is holding these roles in place then? Well, I think the business sector
and legislation is largely to blame.

Laws stipulate corporate structures, and business schools teach corporate
structure perfectly in tune with the last industrial revolution.

If there is anything we can do to make the work environment more egalitarian,
it's to change corporate structures and create roles which aren't unreasonable
and/or customized to old-fashion gender roles.

~~~
Siira
Perhaps the current situation is completely okay? Some people sacrifice their
leisure to work for something they care about. These tend to be men because of
heightened competition. Who are you to dictate their life to satisfy your
statistical egalitarianism? This is just bullying.

~~~
galoisgirl
The sacrifice way more than just leisure. If this was about leisure, there
would be no discussion.

~~~
mdorazio
The point stands. Who are you to dictate what is and is not ok for others to
sacrifice in order to get what they want? Just because their values don't
align with yours doesn't make them wrong.

~~~
galoisgirl
I'm not saying people shouldn't freely chose to sacrifice something, quite the
opposite.

I don't think some sacrifices should be required. It will always be a grey
area: you can't have everything in life, there's only so many hours in a day.

Another thing that may not be okay, is that when you tool at the top 5 regret
of the dying, most men regret having worked so hard. So why are we pretending
this is what they want?

~~~
antepodius
How, specifically, would you change that, then?

Because people on the other tribal side of the argument to you are immediately
skeptical of the motivations behind your stated goals, expecting anything you
would actually propose doing to end up hurting them, even though they actually
see similar problems to you (just expressed differently- see 'wagie, wagie,
get in cagie' on youtube for how 4chan sees the rat-race, for example).

So- someone makes you the emperor of the US. What do you do?

------
vmception
> I think I was scared of what others might think of me as a new mother and
> CEO, maybe because of my own insecurities, maybe because of the societal
> norms ingrained in me.

I see this _so much_ from corporate career ladder focused women.

People literally feeling guilty for wanting some aspect of motherhood, or
going through some aspect of motherhood.

(and then ironically apologizing about that, despite the core of their
reconditioning being not to apologize unnecessarily all the time)

I am not sure how much this is talked about, as its always been a personal
conversation when I hear it.

~~~
umvi
Personally, when I hear that a woman (or man) with kids is running a startup,
I think "that kid isn't going to have the full attention of that parent..."

Especially when I read stuff like:

> I pressured myself into proving that I was as dedicated to PlanGrid as I
> always have been.

I interpret that phrase as "...at the expense of dedication to my kid". I
personally think it's okay to "be less dedicated" to work in order to spend
more time with kids (for both mothers and fathers).

Kids (esp. little kids) demand a _lot_ of time, and they are only little once.
Time is finite. Startups are time black holes. You have to sacrifice time
somewhere...

~~~
smabie
Kids don't actually demand that much time. It just turns out a lot of
(Western) people spend tons of time with their kids, so we think they demand a
lot of time. For example, I used to live in Africa and in the town where I
lived, kids 2 and older were expected to look out after themselves. Regularly,
a 4-year old would be asked to go get some bread from the store, or even
cigarettes and beer. I think this is natural, and helps the kids develop and
learn resilience.

Kids will be fine on their own, and I don't think it's a problem for both
parents to work for full-time, on a start-up or otherwise. Society should have
no problem with a 6 year old playing alone in a park, or walking to school, or
whatever. See:

[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Good_enough_parent](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Good_enough_parent)

~~~
the_af
Do you have kids? Are you speaking from experience? A kid of 2 is not able to
look after him/herself. Kids that young need lots of attention. I am speaking
from experience, by the way.

~~~
asdfasgasdgasdg
I have kids. Including a one and a half year old. He _wants_ a lot of
attention, and he gets it, especially in these covid times. But wanting
attention and needing it are different things.

~~~
the_af
It's both. When I hear that "kids don't demand that much attention" it feels
terribly insulting, plus it opens the door for terrible job practices,
demanding from parents and telling them "don't use your kids as an excuse,
they don't actually demand too much".

The notion that a 2 year old can take care of him/herself is ridiculous. No-
one who has a 2 year old will actually say that. That's why I asked the parent
poster (and they didn't reply...)

This, for example, is deeply problematic:

> _Kids will be fine on their own, and I don 't think it's a problem for both
> parents to work for full-time, on a start-up or otherwise._

This flies in the face of evidence, plus it opens the door for terrible
demands to be asked of employees who are parents.

~~~
asdfasgasdgasdg
> This flies in the face of evidence

What evidence, beyond your assertions? Fwiw I do not believe the person you
are quoting meant that you can literally leave your child at home alone all
day. Rather they are suggesting you don't need to be their playmate and
constant companion.

------
nudpiedo
> To top it all off, I felt I had to be a version of what I thought a good
> male CEO was, so that I wouldn’t be judged or treated differently. It would
> take me years before I realized how delusional I was. I became a better and
> happier leader by being honest in who I was.

So one of the main problems as female founder was to imitate men’s idealized
CEO role?

Men also suffer trying to imitate idealized roles, but we do not have women’s
specific problems which OP comments. I guess it would make a lot of sense that
Tracy shows women how is the female CEO role that adapts better to her
identity rather than wish for some sort of equality which will never happen
just for claiming it.

Just a suggestion, but overall I enjoyed reading it as it is a good insight on
some of the struggles female founders face which aren’t always obvious for
men.

~~~
cutemonster
> good insight on some of the struggles female founders face which aren’t
> always obvious for men.

Yes, and especially since people tend to try to hide their struggles so no one
knows about it

------
fergie
"Not a lot is written about being a female founder and CEO"

Maybe this is just a Scandinavian perspective, but I feel like there is in
fact quite a lot written about this.

------
BillFranklin
This was an interesting read. Building and selling a company for $875m, that’s
amazing!

I was a bit confused, did the tech exec just quit without notice when they
learned the CEO was pregnant? How would they be able to justify that insanity
to their next employer?

~~~
AkshatM
I worked at PlanGrid during this event.

The exec in question received an offer from one of the Big 4 at an equivalent
(and possibly more senior - this was in late 2017, so memory is fuzzy) exec-
level position, and simply sent word they wouldn't come into the office the
next day. There was no two-week notice or polite exit interview - they just
vanished.

It was not common news that Tracy was pregnant at the time, so I do not
believe it factored into his decision at all.

The exec in question is very well-known and had lead successful teams at much
bigger companies before. We speculated, at the time, that he had found working
for a startup to be a very different beast instead.

~~~
gautamcgoel
I'm curious, which companies make up the Big 4? Amazon, Apple, Google,
Microsoft?

~~~
eastbayjake
Usually "Big Four" refers to the 4 largest accounting firms: Deloitte, EY,
KPMG, PWC.[1] If it's referring to tech, that's an odd/confusing usage when
"FANG" is so prevalent for the same concept but explicitly for tech.

[1]
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Four_accounting_firms](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Four_accounting_firms)

~~~
lazyasciiart
In my experience, the vast majority of people in tech are completely unaware
of the accounting usage. I only know it because my two siblings work for two
of them.

------
proc0
"Women have different lived experiences than men, and not acknowledging this
would be a disservice to humanity."

Then later...

"The tech industry has a long way to go toward gender equality in the
workplace. ... I want to see a world where men and women, who make up equal
halves of humanity, also make up equal halves of leadership."

So she is doing a disservice to humanity by her logic.

She chose to have a child. She is not holding herself accountable for that
decision. Men don't worry about this decision, and therefore have more of an
obligation to take care of women.

Go on, continue thinking you can compete with men, who don't have this
biological requirement. You will continue to lose, unless you forfeit the
privilege of bearing a child, in which case you just became like a man.

------
spiritplumber
Reflections on being a trans founder: Nobody cares. Prepare to be misgendered
a fair amount. Know that you will have to go to bat for your employees which
may limit your options when it comes to going to bat for yourself. Thank you
for coming to my ted talk.

~~~
zomglings
Sounds brutal. Are you still running your company? Sincerely, good luck.

I didn't understand what you meant by going to bat for your employees - bat
against whom?

~~~
spiritplumber
Karens, mostly.

------
bsder
> I think it is easier for predators to target their prey when they are alone.
> I was never alone.

I hate that this is true. But it's probably valuable advice for any gender.

~~~
ci5er
It's rough. And confusing. And surprising. For a guy anyway...

I have no illusions that it isn't 99.9% worse for a female, but when I was the
founder/exec at a startup in the 90s, and driving staff home after happy
hours, I was shocked at how physically aggressive some of them were about
"going for it" with me in the driver's seat of a car. Some even got glitter
all over my family sedan (ewww!). Which I then had to explain to my wife (that
didn't go very well a couple of times).

Sometimes people didn't have an appropriate upbringing and have twisted morals
or decision-making apparatii. I have the utmost sympathy for women, because
they are "at risk" and I am not, but it's a weird weird world out there.

------
kinkrtyavimoodh
This was a good read and I thank Tracy for writing it. However, I do have some
remarks about the comments I am reading here, so I am writing a top level post
so as to not single out a specific comment.

It doesn't become ok to stereotype just because the stereotypes are saying
nice things about the right demographics. I read a comment here talking about
women going into management roles because of higher 'EQ', and being better
than men at noticing social and monetary rewards, and what not.

I think that if someone had made a comment about men having more 'technical
aptitude' or something they'd be down-voted, and rightly.

~~~
jecel
> I read a comment here talking about women going into management roles
> because of higher 'EQ', and being better than men at noticing social and
> monetary rewards, and what not.

There was more than one comment, so you might be right about some of them. But
the ones I read had an extra level of indirection: it wasn't the authors of
the comments who had the "women have higher EQ" idea but the people they were
talking about and who are pressuring women to move into management. So it is
not "X is true" but "Y thinks X is true and so is doing Z" that is being
presented as a fact.

------
dnprock
I started a company 8 years ago. I went through startup literature. I tried to
follow the advices. We got our product going for 2 years. But we couldn't make
it big. We eventually transitioned to contracting work. We were basically
working for a bigger company. Except we had the freedom to work from home.
We're about to fold during this pandemic. I'm happy with the choices I made.

My take away lesson is most of the startup advices are molding us into
stereotypes. You have to come up with a business model and projection. You
have to have more than 1 founder. Silicon Valley is where you want to be. We
have to do xyz to raise funding. These advices distract us from building
products and selling to customers. They also create unhealthy relationships.

I think corporate structures and funding industries have baked-in
inequalities. They are optimized for pattern matching. They discriminate
against a lot of things: company size, gender, race, etc. When you follow
company building advices, you are trying to retrofit into these structures.
Stereotypes and discriminations come with them. You'll be disappointed and
unhappy.

For my next projects, I don't seek out for advices. I build stuff, find users,
find customers. The only advice filter is: help me find customers.

~~~
toadi
Seems like most people cargo cult companies together or even keep big
companies running by cargo culting. Getting praised if they are successful but
it''s maybe not on purpose they got successful.

~~~
pm90
How else would they do it? Starting companies is not exactly a science, is it?
AFAIK MBAs teach you to run businesses efficiently and maybe understand how
markets work but they won’t tell you how to build a firm.

You have to start somewhere. Seems like the cargo curling involves a bunch of
relevant advice mixed in with a fair amount of virtue signaling.

------
globular-toast
I find this article incredibly sad for a number of reasons. The story is of a
woman who has reached a level of success that very few ever reach, and not for
lack of trying. In addition, she managed to have a child at the same time!
This is something very few people in history have achieved.

But the reflections we see are entirely negative. There are no reports of the
elation after acquiring VC funding, the high that comes with finally shipping
after months of graft, or enjoying the fruits of recognition after becoming
one of the wealthiest people on the planet. Nor are there any reports of the
joy of having a child or the love and support that exists within her
relationship. On the surface this is a person who has achieved everything that
we're told should bring happiness, but what we see is someone drained, tired
and ultimately unhappy.

The life of a founder and CEO of a company is far from a normal human
experience. It's a lifestyle that very few in society are well-suited for.
While a lot of people would take the rewards, very, very few are willing or
capable of putting in the work required. In a free market economy these things
just sort themselves out. We end up with founders and CEOs who are happy to
take those roles simply because the ones that aren't happy just won't go
through with it. The best people in any role are those that have an almost
irrational drive to be good at what they do. I feel that people like Tracy
were dragged and forced through ordeals like this due to societal pressures
but she would have been much happier in a role that allowed her to enjoy the
other aspects of life (like childbirth).

We need to stop forcing equality in places where it doesn't belong. This woman
felt like she needed to behave like a man: completely dedicated to the role,
but her biology simply won't allow it. The sooner we accept that we can move
on. Life is about making choices. You can't have your cake and eat it too. All
adults have to understand this sooner or later. For the vast majority of
women, happiness is going to come with having children. Let's stop encouraging
women into career paths like this that ruin that for them.

------
austincheney
> Someone I trusted had snuck out of responsibility in the most selfish way
> imaginable, and my body responded with intense physical reactions. I
> wondered if male CEOs would have reacted this way. I wish I knew.

She learned she was pregnant that morning so the physical reactions could have
been lightly compounded by knowing that. While joyous there is some stress
that comes with knowledge of pregnancy. Otherwise, yes, the reactions to
betrayal are similar for males. It’s less about difference in sex and more
about the person in how they respond to that specific form of stress.

------
mindfulplay
I have no idea what this company does but her account of it is genuine, honest
and makes me appreciate the true difficulty of being a female leader.

It's a bit unfortunate there isn't a government support for women in power to
take with huge risks while bearing children. It's unclear as an outsider what
a free market could do to help here and that's sad.

~~~
tropdrop
This is a good time to point out that the US is the only country in the world
with no federally mandated parental leave of any kind. [1]

1 - [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/jan/27/maternity-
le...](https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/jan/27/maternity-leave-us-
policy-worst-worlds-richest-countries)

------
ameyv
Truly inspirational read. Keep up Tracy.

------
gadders
I wonder how much of this experience is as a female founder, or as a mother-
founder.

I think a lot of the difficulties attributed to being a female in the
workplace are much worse for mothers.

------
mongojunction
I had mixed feelings reading this. The writer seems an inspiring person, who
went though a hard time having a baby. I feel less inspired when I see that
even someone capable of such an amazing sequence of choices to create her own
success, seems to succumb to the temptation to blame others for her own anger,
both at externalities and at her own choices during early motherhood.

But I suppose it's also humanizing because stress affects even successful
people. I guess I hoped that people who had made it world be better at this
stuff... but that's probably just me hoping my own future success will make
everything easy.

I like how she shares her journey even if I don't always agree with her
reactions. It must have been really hard to go through what she went through.
And that doesn't mean it was anyone else's fault or that it's just because
she's a woman.

I think reaching for the "this happened because I'm a woman" model of the
world is a mistake because it's probably not accurate and in any case if you
believe that it's disempowering because, like, you just have to accept "well
I'm a woman that's my lot now." And if you believe that and then can't do
blissful acceptance, the only natural consolation from that position is to
take out anger on others. Which is not healthy for them or for you.

That's a model of the world from which you can't make effective change so
you're just left with anger at the difference between the way you want things
and the way they are. blame and anger are tempting constellations but they
don't help you make effective change and they speak out of powerlessness. so
no individual is ever really powerless. it's okay to have those reactions of
course it's normal and the choice comes in do we emphasize those and to what
extent do we act on those and to what extent do we choose other actions and
perspectives to emphasize. what leads to the best result for an individual?

must be quite the identity crisis to go from not being a mother to being a
mother and then also from being a founder and CEO to feeling out of place as
an employee and finally exiting. in such an experience where all your former
pillars of self-identity I changed or move away it's challenging to work out
your orientation in the world and who you are so it's natural to reach for
something that seems secure and seems to offer consolation. but I would warn
against reaching for something which is a temporary consolation and not a
long-term empowering perspective. if I was in this position I believe the best
thing for me would be to try to integrate all that I've learned about myself
into a empowering perspective on myself in the world and when I felt confident
in that and then I'd work out what I wanted to do next. John Lennon said "you
say you want to change the world, why don't you free your mind instead."

I think we owe it to ourselves and to "our sons and daughters" to discourage
people from adopting disempowering self-identities and perspectives and
encourage them to adopt individually empowering ones. One of the things that
can be emphasized by that, is personal responsibility. Another, as hinted by
the writer, is managing emotions. I think another is owning emotions.

I especially liked this part, and found it very empowering, and in my
experience it's one one right way, "What I have found is that I cannot stop
myself from being human, but I can practice dialing down the duration of
negative feelings like anger, fear, and sadness."

~~~
victoriasun
I agree we need to empower our next generation, but I don't agree with how you
got there. First of all, I don't really see anything in her post that suggests
she blamed others for her anger.

Secondly, I find it odd that you are so quick to disavow her experiences as
being.. "because I'm a woman" considering that she is literally discussing an
experience (pregnancy, birth, infertility, miscarriage) that only biological
women experience. Almost by definition this experience she describes is
because she is female.

I don't agree that it necessarily follows that acknowledging your gender (or
other minority features) is disempowering. Unfortunately, the HN crowd tends
to take an extraordinarily extreme view on this -- that it is only the case
that women's experiences are purely interpretive, and that the only way to
combat it is to pretend it doesn't exist. How odd is it that Lyft and Uber
both exist, but its hard for us to imagine that the path to combatting
oppression and finding self love within it can have different solutions?

Consider this: Tracy, in the beginning of this article, has actually done
exactly what you've suggested: she has tried to empower herself by
disassociating herself from her female identity. By her own conclusion, it did
not ultimately bring her happiness. And it would be absurd of us to argue that
we know her happiness better than herself.

Consider also this: men live a life deeply connected to their male identities,
its just not as regularly analyzed as for the most part, a male identity is
given standard.

I think, actually, most of us have grown up believing in our own power and
that the world is fair. Then we experience the ways that its not and struggle
with that powerlessness. Some of us grow resentful to the prior generations
for not adequately bettering the world or preparing us for the ways the world
is unjust. It is clear to me that this model doesn't work.

What if we empowered our kids by teaching them to love themselves and embrace
their identities, rather than pretend they don't exist? What if we told them
early on that the world is unjust and taught them to protect themselves?

~~~
mongojunction
_> I agree ... but ...._

I don't expect you to agree. In my experience, I expect us to have different
views, that's OK. And it's likely we're misinterpreting each other's
words...we each see there what we bring to it. It's not your responsibility if
I misinterpret you, it's not my responsibility if you misinterpret me. In a
way, that's more interesting, because instead of talking about topics and
pretending, "I'm right", and pretending, "You're wrong", we get to just share
and discuss and respond from each other's views. Stimulus, response.

 _> First of all, ... no blame for anger_

I guess that’s how I feel when people complain about their own choices or the
consequences of those.

The rest of your responses to my words misrepresent or misinterpret what I
mean....

 _> Secondly, I find it odd ... because she is female._

I mean when bad things happen, don’t reach for the “this happened because I’m
a woman”, because that’s disempowering.

 _> I don't agree that ... acknowledging your gender (or other minority
features) is disempowering._

I mean, adopting a disempowering identity narrative ( that might include
things like, “I’m a victim”, or “people are out to get me”, or “I’m inherently
weak” ) is disempowering.

 _> Unfortunately, ... HN, purely interpretive, don't exist_

I mean don't hide from what happens, what you chose, how you feel. Face that
and choose a way to respond that empowers you.

 _> How odd is it that Lyft and Uber....self love, warrior_

I’ll interpret as...you have to find self love through being a warrior against
oppression. I don't think so. My view of self love, self worth, self respect
is don’t rely on others for that. Be your own source.

I think if you do what I interpret you as saying, your self love might be
based on trying to hurt others you decide are wrong and seeking approval from
others you decide are right.

Actually, when you misinterpret what I wrote here in a way that seems, "You
have to be an idiot or really bad to write that," I feel like hurting me
because you've decided I'm wrong is what you're trying to do here...

 _> Consider ... Tracy_

I mean face being a woman and write a powerful identity narrative about that.
Dissociate yourself from disempowering fake victim narratives others seek to
foist upon you.

 _> Consider ... men_

It sounds like you reduce men or women to a label. Labels are not who you are.
And it seems you’re saying, “Men uncritically accept whatever male identity
they are given as an unearned entitlement.” Lets me feel like you lack empathy
with the life of an individual deliberately creating their own identity
through experience and effort, and are also willing to dismiss the identity
development and the inner life of men, but...you’re all about combating not
perpetrating oppression, right?

 _> I think, actually, most of us ... doesn't work._

I love this. Let me paraphrase to show some of my view.

 _I think, actually, most of us have grown up believing in our own power and
that the world is fair. Then we experience the ways that its not and struggle
with that powerlessness. Some of us then adopt disempowering fake victim
narratives, blame others, and feel justified in taking out our anger on them,
while others grow their effectiveness by using their choices and taking
personal responsibility. In my experience, it is clear to me that this model
of fake blame and victimhood doesn’t work._

 _> What if we empowered our kids by teaching them to love themselves and
embrace their identities, rather than pretend they don't exist?_

Agree, but let’s not tell them who they are. Encourage to develop empowering
not disempowering identities, and not to think that labels are who they are.
They get to choose who they are. Labels are just what describes things,
doesn’t proscribe things.

 _> What if we told them early on that the world is unjust and taught them to
protect themselves?_

In my experience, I needed to keep a balance. Let's let them know how to
protect themselves, and also know how beautiful it is, and show them you can
create a great life through your own efforts. And more, what if instead of
“teaching” them...we showed them. With our own behavior. Shared with them how
we faced different situations, and what we tried, and how that went and what
we felt. And let them decide? After all, we're not running their lives, who
they are is not up to us. We're just there to help them grow, guide them
towards the light, but not shape the form they will take. So we shouldn't be
too quick to paint the world through the lens of our own suffering and joy,
and not to say to them, "this is the real world, the one truth", because
there's as many paths through the world as there are individuals in it. Be an
individual.

I think one thing that's happening lately in the zeitgeist is the religion of
labels. People need to form their own identity, the labels you use for me are
not who I am. Just because old models of authority and morality are decaying
(such as actual religions), doesn’t mean people can just invent their
"religions" and force others to obey. Everyone who has the "black" label has
to do "this" and is not allowed to do "that"? Crazy. Racist. Disempowering.
Not freedom. Labels are not identity. You are not your labels. You are who you
choose to be. Everyone can choose who they want to be. Write your own story.

Also, my feedback is, in disagreeing with my view...it seems you've
misinterpreted what I'm saying not in a generous way...isn't it enough to
share your view, disagree with mine, but without pretending you're better than
someone else? If your world view was really working for you, why'd you have to
compensate insecurity like that?

Anyway, thanks for the response and the chance to share my view...and be clear
about it. I'm grateful for that and for knowing your view a bit more. I have
way more to say about this, but I can't really say that such a response would
be about what you've said. It's just a topic I'm really interested in. Wish
you luck with what you're doing :)

------
psim1
Note to DS9 fans: this is not an essay from Salome Jens.

------
xchip
I'd be love to know more women that have the same tech interests and passions
as me.

Unfortunately for me not only there aren't many, most of them see tech as
something for nerds.

So please get more women into tech before I am too old :)

