
Never Lie About Who You Really Are - antalkerekes
http://blogs.hbr.org/pallotta/2012/12/never-lie-about-who-you-really-are.html
======
crikli
The inference of this paragraph bugs me:

"Last week, the pest control guy came to the door. "Are you Mr. Smith?" he
says. "No, I'm Mr. Pallotta, Mr. Smith's partner," I reply. "Partner?" he
asks. I'm being questioned in my own home. "Yes, partner," I answer. "We're a
gay couple." "Oh," he says, trying to process this and maintain his
composure."

The writer assumes that because the pest control guy doesn't immediately grasp
the context of the word "partner" and questions it that he's being
interrogated. Then he assumes that the pest control guys is somehow disturbed
by the open admission of sexuality and is trying to maintain composure.

There's a good chance these perceived slights are in Mr. Pallotta's head; he's
misinterpreting the pest control guy's confusion as some type of muted
bigotry.

There's a lot of ambiguity when the word "partner" is used. I run a business
with a partner, so when someone says they're someone's partner, my brain
assumes it's meant in a business context because that's the world I spend 95%
of my time in.

When I'm informed otherwise, I'm sure there's a noticeable hesitation as my
brain processes the change of context from business to relational and re-
establishes the rules of social interaction from "this is so-and-so's business
partner" to "this is so-and-so's significant other." It's _definitely_ not
because I'm "disturbed by the open admission of sexuality and am trying to
maintain composure."

~~~
nollidge
Yeah, I agree! I bet the pest control didn't actually say those exact words,
either! You know, I wonder if there actually _was_ a pest control guy at all--
I bet it was really a _plumber_!

Man, I just can't trust this author at all anymore. Thanks for pointing this
out. Thanks also for explaining the ambiguity of the English language to all
of us, as well as some of the really interesting machinations people sometimes
go through for conversational hesitation. It's information very few people
realize and really contributed a lot to the discourse here on HN.

~~~
qu4z-2
The details of wording or occupation aren't really key to the story though. It
is however relevant whether his pause was due to being uncomfortable with the
author's sexuality or due to his determining which interpretation of an
ambiguous statement was correct. Although I suppose in the end the author's
experience of the situation is the main point.

In short, your comment was less constructive than that you criticize. (as is
mine)

~~~
nollidge
It's not relevant, though, because the author himself didn't imply either one.
The awkwardness, the _otherness_ , of his situation is the point. He said
nothing about bigotry, or about the pest guy being "disturbed", which means
the commenter I responded to is the one bringing all the baggage to the
conversation.

------
ForrestN
I'm gay and this analogy is strained and opportunistic.

The charged moment when you're buying flowers for a same-sex partner is
charged psychologically, not because of external fears. I live in a very
liberal city, and there's almost zero chance I'm going to get bullied by the
lady at the flower shop. It's charged because of how I grew up, because of the
other people who made me feel like an outsider or a freak, because of what it
means more broadly that the world, even this city, is set up for other people.

None of that comes into complaining about the speakers being on the wrong side
of a TV. True, you can use slippery language to say that these are both
"standing up for truth" or something, but in reality the motives behind each
gesture are totally different. Standing up for quality as a person in a supply
chain might be admirable, but it is not a "coming out" and it is not
emotionally charged in the same way that revealing your homosexuality, over
and over again, still is.

He talks to the cab driver because not doing so would mean rejecting himself.
You mention the speakers because you want your company to do well and you're
frustrated that the person who's job it is missed something blatant.

~~~
lazyGeneral
There is some fundamental truth here though.

I'm not in college you see. Even though I went for three years and was doing
perfectly fine GPA wise, and was on track to a "dream career" with the
admiration of everybody around me even though I knew I was not learning very
much in school.

I decided to take that another path, where I actually try to measure what I
learn beyond the grade inflation that was rampant at school and the mind-
numbing pace at which things were offered and the lack of curiosity with which
most things (not all) were perused.

I have not rejected my family though, nor their friends, nor any of my friends
and everytime I get asked, at least once a week or so (or used to), "What are
you studying?"

I tell them, "Nothing."

People don't believe it and usually I am being bullied into going back. (I
wanted to say it was a discussion, but these people usually never listen to
me.)

Sometimes I get the feeling that I should lie to them, but to do so would be
to deny the legitmacy of what I am doing. I usually hope the mention of that
comes off with little reaction and we can go on as if everything was ok.

That usually never happens and I have to risk the chance of getting bullied
one more time, often by people whom I like and care about. To say something
different however, that's out of the question.

A "let's talk about that later" is sometimes considered, but when you say
that, the other person ALWAYS gets real curious and wants to ask you again.
I'm in Latin America you see, and privacy here is not as respected...

~~~
godDLL
I'm dealing with this all of the time, and I have a go-to solution for you
(try it) – bury them in evidence. They aren't trying to argue YOU into
something. They are trying to argue THEMSELVES into it, you just knocked their
value-system over, after all; they want to KNOW they're STILL OK.

So, give them some more.

"I quit school, didn't seem that important. Oh, and I'm planning on trying the
gay thing, seems people are more and more into it, maybe there's something
there, my Imam said so himself. Do you have any plans for the summer? I need
someone to help me build a base-jumping tower outside the town, and sell
tickets."

As long as you're talking they are not. My life is weird enough for me to go
on like that for hours, and all of it can be true, too.

Cheers. :)

------
InclinedPlane
It's so easy to compromise, or cover up. I see it all the time in software
dev. For every dev who cares enough to pursue an issue diligently to its root
cause there are a dozen other devs who are perfectly willing to patch up
symptoms of deeper problems or jump to faulty conclusions without bothering to
seriously understand what's going on. Everyone wants the quick fix. They want
the pain (the bugs, tickets, pages, scrutiny, etc.) to stop.

And it's easy to say that something is "almost done" or "mostly done" when in
reality there are huge roadblocks in the way. It's hard to tell people you're
struggling with a problem, or that you don't know how to do something, or that
you don't know the meaning of a word your coworker just used, or you don't
understand exactly what they're saying. It's easier to avoid embarrassment in
the short-term even if it makes everything harder in the long-term.

~~~
jrogers65
> It's so easy to compromise, or cover up. I see it all the time in software
> dev. For every dev who cares enough to pursue an issue diligently to its
> root cause there are a dozen other devs who are perfectly willing to patch
> up symptoms of deeper problems or jump to faulty conclusions without
> bothering to seriously understand what's going on. Everyone wants the quick
> fix. They want the pain (the bugs, tickets, pages, scrutiny, etc.) to stop.

There's a word for these types of people - 'liabilities'.

~~~
epochwolf
There's another word for these people: management.

------
jpwagner
I hope I'm not insensitive, but if I'm having a bad day and my cab driver (or
just about any total stranger) asks "how is your day" I am not compelled to
tell him about the intricacies of being me. It's not about fighting for "the
truth", it's simply practical. This is generally how to behave for all matters
of sex, politics, religion, and anything else personal. Small talk is small
talk.

~~~
elemenohpee
I don't mean to be presumptuous, but are you straight? Not feeling compelled
to tell people about your sexuality is a luxury afforded to people who fit
into the norm. It's what LGBT activists would call "privilege", and it's
something that we as straight/white/male/other dominant group need to be aware
of if we don't wish to alienate minority groups.

~~~
fallous
Why would my "sexuality" be a topic for anyone other than those close to me?
If my wife and I like to dress up as robotic ninjas in order to get
satisfaction, well then that's between my wife and I despite how "out of
mainstream" it is and is no business of anyone else. I tire of the
"acceptance" desire of so many people in so many areas of their lives.
Tolerance != acceptance, it merely means that someone can tolerate an
alternative without resorting to an attempt to suppress it. I don't have to
accept the choice of people to paint their cars in zebra stripes, but I don't
reach for an orbital sander and remove the paint because I can at least
tolerate such a choice.

~~~
jpxxx
Your sexuality doesn't come in air-quotes, and you're teetering dangerously
close to the word "choice" in a topic where no such thing exists.

Your sexuality informs and alters 100% of your life.

~~~
ams6110
_Your sexuality informs and alters 100% of your life._

No it doesn't. And choice exists in almost everything.

~~~
elemenohpee
Too bad you chose to be ignorant :/

The scientific evidence is not on your side, if you're interested in that sort
of thing.

~~~
Dylan16807
Too bad you chose to misread the comment :/

The choice is in your actions, not your feelings.

~~~
elemenohpee
So you think gay people shouldn't act on their feelings?

~~~
Dylan16807
I think gay people have control over their emotions just like everyone else
and it doesn't automatically impact 100% of their lives.

------
michaelfeathers
In the UK I've run into people who use the term `partner' for whomever they
are in a non-married exclusive relationship with, regardless of whether they
are gay or straight.

I don't know how common that is, or how it got started. I wonder whether it
will ever catch on in the US?

~~~
gadders
It's common, but daft. It makes every relationship sound like a firm of
solicitors. I don't see what's wrong with wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend.

~~~
AndrewDucker
Many people over the age of, say, 30, feel weird about using the word
"boyfriend" or "girlfriend", because they feel that it implies a young person.

~~~
alsothings
This describes me (I live in the UK). I'm 31 I've been in a lovely
heteronormative relationship for eight years. We aren't married, and we've
called each other 'partner' for years. In my head it lives in the linguistic
space between '[boy|girl]friend' and the state-sponsored '[husband|wife]'. I
also enjoy its gender neutrality.

~~~
roel_v
"I've been in a lovely heteronormative relationship "

Are you kidding? My sarcasm detector is failing here.

------
Jabbles
Just because you shouldn't have to lie about it, doesn't make it good advice
to never lie about it. There are, sadly, many places in the US (and many in
the rest of the world) where expressing your true self will cause you
(physical/emotional) harm. If you live in such a place, be careful.

~~~
brudgers
I'm not a Baptist. Or any stripe of Christian. Or Jew. Or some other checkbox
on the list of tolerable beliefs. I live in Alabama. There's a price.

Impeded relationships. Reduced opportunity.

Yet, the emotional harm of lying about who am is significantly greater than
what one person can inflict upon another. Because like truth, that harm is
permanent.

People inclined to fuck up someone because they are different, don't deserve a
free pass. It is their fucking up which is uncivil, not my choice to abstain
from praising Jesus before eating chicken fingers at a business lunch.

~~~
pretoriusB
> _Yet, the emotional harm of lying about who am is significantly greater than
> what one person can inflict upon another. Because like truth, that harm is
> permanent._

What about if there's no harm? What if you ENJOY lying about who you are?

Or, in another twist, what if lying about who you are opens a new world to
you, and makes you a different person, perhaps even who you lied about being
in the first place? (In the sense that you invent a new identity for yourself,
like a Nothern Jewish family boy like Robert Zimmerman emerged into scene as
the "wretched hobo poet" Bob Dylan).

~~~
jspthrowaway2
If you enjoy lying about anything, that's a serious red flag regarding you as
a person.

~~~
baak
Poker, anyone?

~~~
jspthrowaway2
The OP didn't say lying about his hand, he said lying about _who he is_ ,
which is what I'm responding to.

------
gizzlon
Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but is he telling us that we should _try_
to be offended?

I'm referring to the second to last paragraph: _You can't know if your values
are being violated if you're ambiguous about what they are. Second, learn to
develop a sixth sense for when your line is being crossed. It may be a gut
feeling. A nervous laugh. A habit of rationalizing._

Maybe I'm reading too much into it because some people (especially in the
media) seems to set out to be offended, and they're really annoying.

Of course there are many valid reasons to be offended and we (as individuals
and societies) should treat everyone with respect and try to offend no-one.
But it _is_ possible to be too easily offended, and I'm afraid one might end
up in that category by following his advice.

------
typicalrunt
_People have the misconception that a gay person comes out once. It's not
true. If you're gay and you're authentic, you're coming out constantly. You're
on a business trip, for example. A cab driver asks if you have kids, and you
say that you do. Then he asks about your wife. Even though you may be
exhausted, you find yourself summoning the energy to have a transformative
conversation with a total stranger on whom you are depending to get to the
airport and whose reaction you have no way of predicting._

The author's own situation is clouding his judgement. It is entirely easy to
predict that asking if you have kids is going to lead to asking about a wife.
This is the way family life has gone on for centuries. It's only recently (in
generational terms) that gay couples could adopt children or even be openly
gay and married... yet the author thinks that there's no way to predict how
someone is going to steer a conversation. I wouldn't take offense if someone
steered a conversation in the wrong way because it's more about their reaction
to the surprise news ("oh, i have a husband not a wife") than to how the
conversation found itself. Maybe I perhaps steered the conversation the wrong
way instead of the cab driver.

As an aside: I had to rewrite this many times because I didn't want to come
off as being homophobic, discriminatory, or what have you. I really don't like
walking on egg shells, but some topics really cause other people to pounce.

~~~
latinohere
I'm getting tired of my current HN account so let me trash it.

Fuck Gays.

I'm Jose Gutierres from the Bronx in case you want to beat me up. There, no
more walking on egg-shells.

In all seriousness, being too PC is also harmful. I'm not homophobic but
really dislike that you cannot have a conversation without somebody getting
but hurt.

And to finish it off. Fuck muslims, hindus, christians, mexicans, jews,
scientologists, hispanics, etc. If you feel I left you out then fuck you too.

~~~
Dylan16807
Your account is a week old with 9 posts!

------
kvnn
"Your ability to stand up for your truth is a muscle, and the more you
exercise it the stronger it gets."

His attitude is commendable and helpful in a lot of different situations:

\- people with stand-out religious beliefs \- people with strict diets \-
people who don't drink

It makes me very appreciative that I don't have anxieties over anything that
would require me to correct people or divulge personal information.

Being gay in his situation, and in general having anxieties attached to
information you must always carry, is a pain in the ass. This might be a good
reason to act "flaming" (when its an act): get the information out there
immediately. I do that in certain situations too.

------
exit
_> First, know what you're coming out about. Identify your truths. Write a
personal values manifesto. You can't know if your values are being violated if
you're ambiguous about what they are._

most people would come out about the fact that they don't give a shit about
the value of the product their employer produces.

many would have to admit they delight in sabotaging the system they hate.

~~~
civilian
"I enjoy rebelling against authority, and I will make fun of you for not
knowing how to type formulas in excel."

I'm looking forward to my next interview.

------
jrochkind1
Okay, how do you do what he's saying _without_ being the guy who bitches about
everything and is all up in everyone's business thinking he knows better than
everyone how to do their jobs?

~~~
toddmorey
In any situation, you don't want to be the lone wolf of honesty. Your company
or team needs a culture of honesty. It's simpler than you realize. Have a
conversation, make an event out of it. Say, "Look, for this to work, we have
to be outspoken and honest. Our success depends on it. It will be
uncomfortable at times. It will be frustrating at others. But there's no
reason to invest this much, to work this hard, just to stop short of honesty.
If you can take a startup, you can take honest feedback. And we should all
expect a ton of it."

The TechStars program does this really well. They promise you brutal honesty.
They tell you to brace for it. You are guaranteed to be told when your idea
sucks. You can see this in practice each week as the teams present their
pitches. Because honesty is the expectation, the quietest guy in the room will
raise his hand and say, "For the first ten minutes, I had no freaking clue
what you were talking about." Ouch! But the permission was there. The guy
wasn't a jerk, he was embracing the culture. And you know what? It needed to
be said.

In the early days, Rackspace had a saying: "Bad news first, full disclosure,
no surprises." More than a slogan, it was permission to be honest. People
would say, "It sucks to bring this up, but as we say, bad news first and full
disclosure..." Again, amazingly effective.

People want to be honest. And in the end, they want you to be honest, too.
There just needs to be permission.

------
fallous
Seems to me this suffers from the lack of defining "lie", be it of omission,
commission, or in the case of simply remaining silent whether one has
committed any act at all.

If I say "the product is GREAT!" when I believe it to be otherwise, then I'm
very obviously lying by commission and that's obviously not a good thing. I do
however often cause social consternation when I don't engage in the usual
"white lie" that is generally accepted as "correct" for many people. "Do these
pants make me look fat?" asked by wife elicits a truthful answer, which she's
used to but many who witness the exchange are not.

A lie of omission would be something on the order of "is the product ready for
market?" with a response of "we've done focus groups and the response was
positive" leaving out some useful information like "positive by +.1%", which
would be a valuable piece of information to have for the questioner but one in
which the respondent does not want to provide since it would probably negate
the response.

Remaining silent seems to me often to be none of the above. CEO declares a new
initiative, I may at first blush disagree but lacking any real information or
thought-out objection, and also understanding that he may have more
information than I and certainly a different set of responsibilities, I remain
silent rather than blurt out an objection with no real argument with which to
back it up. My silence in this instance is neither an endorsement nor an
objection.

------
unquietcode
I have been reading HN for half a year without ever bothering to login, but
this post was so inspiring for me that I had to chime in and say 'thanks'.
Never compromise. This is just what I needed.

As well, I really like the muscle metaphor. :)

------
jmole
Wish I'd seen this a bit earlier. I read a great article today from Leo
Babauta from Zen Habits on essentially the same topic.

Set a value system, and stick to it. That's exactly what this author is
encouraging. I think it's unfortunate that the context the author chose to
illustrate the point is distracting to many, but it doesn't change the
validity of his message.

Check out the article from Leo here at Zen Habits:
<http://zenhabits.net/12rules/>

------
silentmars
Big fan of this article. The world asks us to sell out our integrity for such
a pittance on almost a daily basis. "Convenience," "convention," "getting
along." These are the meager rewards for our silent assent. It's great
motivation to read someone standing up and saying "stop it. Your integrity is
worth more." Need the reminder sometimes.

------
noja
Isn't the idea of "coming out" a bit old fashioned now?

(Straight people don't "come out")

~~~
mhurron
> (Straight people don't "come out")

Well yes they do, it's just that they can do it by bringing home the
boyfriend/girlfriend to meet the parents or whatever you want to consider
normal first steps in expressing your sexuality.

In a large part of the world though, probably most of the world where you can,
if you are gay you basically have to explicit come out to your closest friends
and relatives to get over whatever initial shock, embarrassment, anger,
violence, or whatever may occur.

Far too many don't take it well.

~~~
monochromatic
_bringing home the boyfriend/girlfriend to meet the parents or whatever you
want to consider normal first steps in expressing your sexuality_

Saying that this is "coming out" doesn't make it true.

~~~
jpxxx
But it is true, so think about it until you get it.

~~~
king_jester
Except it's totally not, being straight in most places in the world is the
default and everyone is seen through a lens of being straight. Coming out
refers to revealing to people that you are not straight.

~~~
jpxxx
Fine, I'll yield the semantic argument. "Coming out" in the context of
sexuality typically refers to homosexuals publicly expressing their preference
for the first time and adjusting their public identity to match.

I was attacking the idea that most aren't judged upon first expressing their
sexual desires. It's important anywhere and everywhere. Bringing home a
partner of a different color? Size? Class? "Looks"? Judgement is issued. In
some cultures the kind of partner you're able to pull speaks directly to the
honor or worth of the family. It's never not a big deal.

~~~
lotharbot
People are judged for their relationships in general.

People are judged for who they have sex with based on all sorts of physical
characteristics (sex, skin tone, size, looks, etc.) as well as social
attributes (economics, religion, behavioral awkwardness).

People are also judged for _not_ having sex with certain people (being
monogamous, or especially being a virgin over age 30). Or for people they hang
out with in non-sexual relationships in general (friends from different race,
class, religion, or sports fandom).

Relationships of all sorts are important anywhere and everywhere and never not
a big deal.

------
straws
Well, this thread is a new low.

------
nerdfiles
I'm not so sure this advice is generally applicable. At the same time, I
understand the author probably doesn't mean for it to be, but maybe that is a
problem with the inherent vagueness of language. I don't care to do philosophy
of language here.

When I behave as I truly am, stuff like this applies:

[quote]

b) Poor Understanding of Social Situations: Their good verbal skills enable
adults with WS to initiate superficial social contacts. However, they tend to
lack understanding of the underlying, 'unwritten' rules governing all types of
social intercourse. They are often too open, direct or personal in their
interactions with others, and do not recognize the social constraints that
would be apparent to other people in the same situation. In other cases their
social naivetŽ and lack of inhibition can lead them to tell tales or to say
things that might hurt or embarrass other people. Such behaviour is rarely
intentional or malicious, but occurs because the individual may not understand
the social implications of his or her utterances. Similarly, adults with WS
will not hesitate to try and gain other peoples' attention with comments and
questions, or to reprimand others. Consequently they may give the impression
of being rude, bossy or attention seeking, which again may antagonize others
if they are not fore-warned.

\-- ADULTS WITH WILLIAMS SYNDROME: GUIDELINES FOR EMPLOYERS & SUPERVISORS By
Orlee Udwin, Mark Davies, Chris Stinton & Patricia Howlin

[/quote]

Generally I get asked if I'm stoned or something like this, when I'm only
trying to be myself. And if I tell people about my Williams (like my heart
conditions and other obvious elfish features, including psychological), it
doesn't matter how much truth or scientific backing or reading I bring to the
table. Given the linguistic problematic of Williams, everyone just gets
frustrated since there is the unfortunate problem that if you self-diagnose,
and talk about it, you have to present symptoms/evidence/whatever-makes-you-
think-you're-X in a sequential fashion.

I'm learning that this hypermetropolitan-supraurban lifestyle is too fast-
paced for a conversational exchange where Demonstration is feasible in
conversation. It's like presenting evidence has been restricted to purely
scientific settings. It's unfortunate.

~~~
gadders
I had no idea that was even a thing. I have learnt something new today.

~~~
nerdfiles
If you're interest'd, I believe I've been given some cool coghacking/body
hacking opportunities: [http://webjournal.nerdfiles.net/2013/01/09/hacking-
the-willi...](http://webjournal.nerdfiles.net/2013/01/09/hacking-the-willies/)

------
drivebyacct2
So many people missing the point of the gay analogy in this thread and once
again, at the mere hint of the concept of privilege, people race to get
defensive and shut their ears before even understanding the issue at play;
further showing that people continue to have knee-jerk reactions to the phrase
"privilege" just as some think that "feminism" = "hates men" instead of "wants
gender equality".

To explain further, there's two issues:

1\. That my sexuality is a topic that I constantly have to correct people on.
It hurts because of internalized homophobia from two decades of growing up in
the Midwest. It hurts because it's a constant reminder that I'm a minority and
that people make incorrect assumptions about me. It hurts because it's
annoying. I had a friend that would introduce me as "DriveBy, my gay friend".
That's the sort of feeling I get when I have to stop and say "No, I'm gay".
Hell, I even have some awkward feeling when it's someone I suspect is
homophobic because _I_ don't want to make _them_ uneasy.

2\. When I correct people on my sexuality, I've challenged their assumptions.
I've changed their perspective and reminded them that not everyone is
straight, even the people that "oh my god, I never would have guessed". This
isn't about "shoving sexuality in peoples' faces". It's not about evangelizing
LGBT issues every day just to force it.

