
Ask HN: What made you decide to marry your spouse? - clio
A popular &quot;Ask HN&quot; was posted recently, that asked how to find a wife[1].<p>Suppose you have found someone. When do you know it&#x27;s the right time to get married?<p>[1] https:&#x2F;&#x2F;news.ycombinator.com&#x2F;item?id=14332698
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throway_bayarea
Step 1: If your girlfriend is also your best friend then move to step 2.

Step 2: if you both want kids then move to step 3.

Step 3: If you want to protect your assests against your best friend with whom
you want to build a family, go ahead and setup a prenup. Though, you might get
stuck at that step because you'd put your money or your career first then your
wife (best friend and mother of your kids) second. Why not? It's totally
possible. Thought, I would NOT recommend a marriage in this case because it
doesn't make any sense.

Step 4: let's say you skipped step 3 and made it to step 4. At this stage, you
can pop the question, it makes sense.

Congrats.

~~~
Gustomaximus
Step 2: I would say its more "Do you both agree on wanting kids or not."

Step 2.1: If kids, what is your religions position for our children.

Step 2.2: Ensure sex drives and preferences aligned. Invariably its money or
sex that result in marriage break-up so you want to make sure there is a
compatibility here.

Step 3: Have to disagree about if you want a pre-nup not recommending a
marriage. I would easily admit I'm more practical than romantic, but I see no
problem with this conversation. I believe marriages would last longer if
people were more practical about discussing these things rather than believing
their commitment to each other overrides these realities. In my experience
couples often haven't discussed money/religion/children core requirements. For
modern relationships, I'd discuss money and assets before you got to marriage
as I assume you'd move in together. This is a better point for this
conversation and agreement given its more 'trial stage' and with defacto laws
in many countries your assets sharing starts at this point.

...anyway I'm 15 years in with my partner with 2 kids and yet to marry. So not
sure I fit the social norm.

~~~
throway_bayarea
I actually was the practical one in the relationship. I brought up the prenup
to my wife before we got married because I had some descent cash in my savings
after working hard for 10 years. I also wanted to protect a little software
company I was running on the side thinking I'd turn it into a big thing one
day. The first reaction was pretty bad. Again, she's the romantic one and I'm
the practical one so she took a big hit. Not because I wanted to protect my
money, she understood that, it was the idea of a potential divorce that made
her sad. Especially when you're in a marriage mood :) Again, I'm super
practical and I always look for the worst case scenario. Thought, we worked it
out, talked about it for a while, I told her about the modern way of getting
married and all the BS around it. After reading about prenups online and
learned about the process, she told me she would do it. Just because that is
what would make me feel happy in the long run. She said if you're happy then
I'm happy. That's all I really care about. She made the effort, went out there
by herself and found a qualified attorney to setup the paperworks for us.
Again, she cried when I first mentioned the prenup in the first place and here
she was, running the process for us while I was working long hours. All I had
to do was to sign a check in order to secure everything and to move on to the
next step (marriage).

I realized how she taught me a lesson. During the whole process all she cared
about was me. Not her, not the money or anything else and that made me
realized what a true relationship is. I looked at her in the eyes and said
"let's get married, forget about feeding attorneys". Money comes and goes but
strong relationships are extremely rare. One year after our marriage I quite
my full time job in order to focus on my side company. I thought it was time
for me to give it a try and to make it big... I went from making $200K/year on
a w2 to pretty much $0. She took on a second job to support us and worked long
hours to make sure I could continue doing what I loved. I ended up using a lot
of my savings because we couldn't afford living in the Bay area with only one
income. Long story short, after a few years, my savings is almost gone and my
company ended up being a failure. My wife is still there right next to me, she
hasn't changed and keeps supporting whatever I do. I could be rich or broke,
she doesn't care.

So, make sure to follow the proper steps, money should be out of the scope.
Unfortunately, time will tell you if you made the right decision or not. If
you're still thinking about a prenup, don't get married... it won't bring
anything to your relationship but potential problems.

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iharhajster
Her love for me and she didn't go away when I told her I battled psychological
disorder (anxiety and depression) in the past. She was the person I could talk
any topic with her and she was always on the money with her insightful advice.
And she didn't drink alcohol, nor smoke, which is hard to find around here.
She was religous and sang in church choir. Since I had a lot of bad
experiances with girls in the past, mostly on my part, when I met her I told
myself, this time go slow but smart. And it's been best last 7 yrs of my life.
We are married for 2 years and when we felt we matured enough to take full
responsibility over our lives that was the decision moment to get married.

------
ladytron
He didn't run away when he saw I was reading a nerdy book. Instead, he
approached me. Is that your book? He liked my brain.

I knew it was time to get married about a week after we met. Everyone else
paled in comparison. It took another 6 months to make it official - but I was
really married in my own mind after that first week together.

~~~
olivercreashe
>> He liked my brain.

Hahahaha. So creepy.

"Hey, I like your brain."

Or better yet: "hey, i can tell ur the one for me cuz i like your mucus."

Hahahahah

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th3o6a1d
Awesome article on this very topic. [http://waitbutwhy.com/2016/09/marriage-
decision.html](http://waitbutwhy.com/2016/09/marriage-decision.html)

------
chrisbennet
After a 22 year trial period, we married for insurance purposes.

~~~
rocannon
Having lived through my parents' unhappy marriage, I'm strongly resistant to
getting married.

However, my current partner has better retirement benefits than I do (both
Social Security and pension benefits). I recently joked with him that we
should marry so that I inherit his benefits should he kick off before I do.
That would be an unpleasant reason to get married.

Regarding health insurance, currently it looks like we're better off not being
married. That's probably also true for tax purposes.

~~~
chrisbennet
We got married before Obamacare so she needed to get on my insurance.

------
tjalfi
jaredhansen[0] posted a great response[1] to this question awhile back.

[0]
[https://news.ycombinator.com/user?id=jaredhansen](https://news.ycombinator.com/user?id=jaredhansen)

[1]
[https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=13972765](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=13972765)

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TurboHaskal
If you need to ask, I can only advise you to read the cohabitation laws that
apply where you live. You may already be "married" but only for the downsides.

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gdfer
The fun and beautiful is what drew me in. As I got to know the rest of her
(smart, good head on her shoulders, confident, compassionate) it became a no
brainer.

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ddgflorida
Right time? When you both love each other, when you both want to be married,
and when you both are committed to staying married.

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raarts
The fact that I worked for an airline and we could only use the cheap flying
perk if we got married.

Never used it. Still married.

------
tutufan
Perhaps best not to assume that it ever is.

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cm2012
Met in HS at 15, it was super obvious to us by 19ish when we started living
together.

~~~
olivercreashe
Same here. It was super obvious to us too when we had been living together for
24 years and had 5 kids.

Not too obvious by year 23, but mos def by 24!

------
mike47
She did!

------
codevark
I had had two fairly good long term relationships before, both of which ended
abruptly, The first time, I got kicked out, the second, I initiated the
breakup. I said to my self, "the next one that comes along is going to be the
one". I was playing guitar in a cheap bar one night and a friend's friend
walked in with her friend. As they walked in, through the smoky, bleary light,
that girl turned and smiled at me. End of story.

