
Ask HN: How did you improve your conversational skills? - omosubi
I have struggled with conversations my whole life. Even with close friends that I have shared intimate details with I often find that conversations will stalemate rather quickly and that neither of us has anything to say. Do you have ideas on how to improve conversational skills? I often struggle with this in other ways such as with other professionals, dates, random casual encounters, etc. Any advice would be appreciated
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nickk2006
When I was in high school, I was horrible at communicating with people. Never
went on a date with a girl and bombed all of my interviews. Almost ten years
later, I'm pretty much a different person and I think it has to do with three
things:

1) Check out the book How to Win Friends & Influence People[1]. It argues that
the best way to make connections with people is to be genuinely interested. I
read it the summer after graduating high school and try to reread it every
couple of years.

2) When I was in college, I went to parties with my friends and forced myself
to talk to people. At first, it was extremely awkward, but after a couple
years, everything just clicked. If you're out of college, it'd probably be
bars/clubs instead of college parties.

3) I joined Toastmasters, which is an organization that helps people become
better communicators. They have periodic meetings where you would give a
prepared or impromptu speech and have people provide constructive criticism.
It's a great place and everyone there is extremely supportive.

I think the best way to improve your conversational skills is really just
going out there and putting yourself in situations outside of your comfort
zone. It'll take a while, but you'll improve a little bit each time.

Good Luck!

[1]
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influen...](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influence_People)

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arandr0x
* Have a goal to the encounter (the goal can be laughter, good feelings, learning whether the conference buffet is any good...)

* end conversations when they've ended. If you're at a networking event it's OK to have 5min conversations with people about what they do, if you don't think you can entertain them further.

* Try to notice when you're repeating yourself. To do that have group conversations with friends and ask them if they thought you insist too much on a particular issue generally. * When people are having fun they talk louder, faster, kind of lean into you. Optimize for that.

* The converse is also true. If you laugh, smile, and generally talk like you're having fun, it makes people feel more comfortable.

* When people are talking about a subject and they're suddenly talking a little faster, nod and ask questions.

* When people are talking about a subject but don't look too engaged (look around, fidget, move between ideas), build on what they say but switch to a subject you may be able to talk about in some detail.

* if it feels too challenging in specific situations, try to convert the situation to a group conversation. Ask dates to board games meetups, go to networking events with another professional, join conversations of existing groups, etc. It's easier to sustain conversations in groups.

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kyoob
Improv comedy classes helped me a lot. Not even necessarily with spontaneity.
They helped me build confidence. "I don't know what this situation is, and
that feels yucky. But I've felt that kind of yuck a lot of times before so I'm
pretty sure I'll be able to navigate it."

One of my improv instructors gave me this advice about conversations that
always resonated with me: just make the conversation about the other person.
If you get to the end of it, ask a question about them.

"Are you traveling for the holidays?" "See any movies lately?" "Where'd you
get that ring?" "How are your cats doing?"

Anything, as long as it's about them. Keep _them_ talking. A metaphor we
learned was "bull and matador." You're dealing with someone who has their own
full, rich inner life. They're like a bull ready to lunge forward with a new
spike of conversation. Sometimes you just need to wave your cape this way or
that to get them to do the work.

~~~
hashr8064
This is definitely the best tip. Two things have probably helped me more than
any others, this and saying people's names.

If you say someone's name you will remember it and I've noticed it helps them
also remember you and have warmer feeling about you. Also asking questions
will open up tons more information you can spring off of to learn more about
them and find shared interests, opinions, differences, etc.

I would say you will have to genuinely care, if you don't people will notice
and it comes off fake and creepy. I have noticed this with some consultants /
business people. ( not saying it only occurrs there, just anecdotal personal
experience)

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QuiXotical1
I find that sometimes just talking about whatever pops into your head can make
for good springboards into a fun conversation. Example: you’re talking and it
stalemates, you look out the window and it’s snowing, so you say “ isn’t it
crazy that no two snowflakes are the same?” And then the friend goes “yeah” so
then you say “actually it kind of reminds me of people, we are all so similar,
and there’s billions of us, but none of us are the same.” And just keep doing
stuff like that until you find a new thread of conversation that sticks. When
I find conversation hard, I usually notice that I’m second guessing my ideas,
and thinking that it’s not worth saying whatever it is I’m thinking, and
that’s what kills the convo, not that there’s nothing to say. You’re a complex
human with complex thoughts, you’re insanely interesting and if you let your
ideas out in a light hearted way, people will want to engage with them. Good
luck!

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nunez
Instead of asking the usual talking points ("Where do you work?/What do you do
for work?" "Where are you from?"), try to ask _around_ them. So instead of
asking someone what they do for work, try asking them what their day was like
and then probing into their emotions (Was it good? What made it good? Was it
bad? What made it bad?). We are shaped by our habitat and our work life, so
people will naturally divulge those details if you ask _around_ enough while
providing more "honest" answers.

Also, good conversations to most people are usually ones where they get to
spend a lot of time talking about themselves. So one easy way to maintain a
conversation is asking more questions that will get them talking about
themselves.

Also, some people just don't like talking or are not in the mood to talk.
While I love talking and meeting new people, I HATE doing it in confined
places that I can't easily exit from (planes, car rides) or while I'm working
out (gym, biking). Something I'm not good at (that I am trying to improve on)
is telling people that I'm not in the mood for talking in a nice way, so often
times, I come across as a dick in those situations when people try to talk to
me. Picking up on queues that insinuate "I don't want to talk" (looking at
phone, sitting with body turned away from you, looking everywhere else but the
conversation, one- or two-word responses) and respecting that is also
important.

Good luck!

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w1
This may sound odd, but my biggest improvement in ability to have casual
conversation with anybody came after a few months of beginner improv classes
(at Second City). I'm not sure if it was being forced to quickly say
_something_, or just being made more comfortable in awkward situations, but
those classes did wonders for my long sought-after transformation from "weird
conversationalist" to "normal guy".

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muditmudit
If you are in SF/Bay Area, I would highly recommend taking a course from
Jaunty ([http://www.jaunty.org](http://www.jaunty.org)).

I took their Co-Ed Comprehensive course (twice!). They are not cheap, (around
$1600 for eight week course when I took it), but for me, there is a clear
demarkation in my life pre-, and post-Jaunty.

I read a lot of books (Art of Conversation, Seduction, How to Win Friends and
Influence People, etc), but none of them came close to this course.

They target social intelligence with basic conversation skills, humor, body
language, etc.

I would also highly recommend taking improv comedy classes. In SF/Bay Area, I
recommend Made Up Theater
([https://madeuptheatre.com/](https://madeuptheatre.com/)). I took their
classes for over 3-4 months. That really helped me build on conversations
(Yes, and...) and not let them die.

(Edit: added improv comedy section)

~~~
mrfusion
Can you tell me more about juanty? What’s it like, how does it work?

Would it be worth taking a trip up to ny or sf for a course?

~~~
muditmudit
Regarding it being worth it for you, that totally depends on finances, and if
you are able to find someone to crash with for the duration of the course. If
money is no (or little) matter, then I think it'd be worth it.

I signed up for Jaunty after being in a social rut for years. I tried books,
videos on YouTube, online courses, and 1-on-1 coaching with a life coach. I
didn't feel I was getting results that I wanted.

With Jaunty, the course is organized in eight 4-5h class once a week. We met
on Mondays at 6pm in SF. There were 20-25 other people, both men and women, in
the class. Some were from tech, but not all. When I took it for the first
time, I was 27. There were people that were younger than me, and some that
were 40+.

Each week, we did some theory in the class, and then exercises related to
them. We all had homework, and an "accountability partner" to keep us on
track. We also organized events to practice stuff we learned in class.

Looking back, the stuff we covered is very basic. But for me, at the time, it
didn't occur to me naturally at all; it took practice for them to become close
to second nature. We worked on eye-contact, slowing down, listening, humor,
accepting and giving compliments, being assertive, etc. We also practiced
basic approaches, and starting up and keeping a conversation going with
complete strangers.

I still go back and look at my notes from the class. It helped my career at
lot. I am better able to connect with colleagues, and more importantly, with
managers and recruiters, and ask for more during reviews.

~~~
mrfusion
Thanks for the detailed write up! 8 weeks definitely wouldn’t work for me.
I’ll Have to check if they have a one week course or anything like that.

~~~
muditmudit
You're welcome and good luck :)

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sodafountan
I made it a new years resolution to become more social, you're definitely not
alone in this. As a developer I sit in front of a screen for the better part
of eight hours a day with very little social interaction other than a few
emails and IM's and whoever decides they need something and wants to come up
and talk. Social skills are like a muscle in my opinion, the more you use them
the better they'll be, I'm a good developer because I use those muscles five
days a week and I'm a bad conversationalist because I don't conversate much.
Just like making a resolution to hit the gym more often in the new year, as a
developer, I'm making a resolution to have more conversations.

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afarrell
The books Difficult Conversations and Thanks for the Feedback from the Harvard
Negotiation Project are somewhat helpful, but really only for heavier topics.
I've been looking for a good resource on how to lightweight to medium-grade
banter.

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0db532a0
This is for public speaking, but you might want to try and find a Toastmasters
club.

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appleiigs
I used to think before speaking. That would screw up informal conversations.
Now I speak what I’m thinking. Think out loud.

I only need to pause when I’m thinking something negative or potentially
offensive, then I say something like “oh that’s interesting”... pause (and
think)... then say something neutral like “I would have done/thought/handled
that differently”.

My wife can speak for 10 mins in seemingly one long sentence, and her opinion
can change from the beginning of the sentence to the end. It’s just because
her brain is spewing out. However, people love talking to her.

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rasikjain
While initiating the conversation, I try to listening to the other person
first before I speak anything. This way I clearly understand if there are any
mutual or common interest/topics.

Before this, I used to interrupt in the middle of conversation and folks did
not like it. I had to change my habit of not interrupting and listening
patiently.

It gets bit difficult to continue the conversation if there is no mutual
interest and takes a great deal of effort to continue having conversation.

Public/Forum/Group/Toastmasters discussion definitely helps to overcome the
fear and anxiety.

Hope I am able to answer.

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mindcrime
For my thoughts on this, I'll just refer you to my post on a similar thread
from a few years back.

[https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=14196558](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=14196558)

The rest of the thread will probably have some stuff you may find useful as
well.

------
WAthrowaway
LSD

------
sageabilly
I used to struggle with this, but as I've gotten older I have realized that
people generally like talking about things they're interested in, and you can
keep conversation going by asking questions about what they like. It helps to
have kind of a decent memory so you can pick up where you left off before.

So, for example, with your friends: "Hey, how's that [thing they were telling
you about the last time you saw them] going?" then keep asking questions about
it until the topic peters out. Also, a bit off topic, but if you're finding
that you and your friends don't have a lot to talk about, maybe find new
friends that share hobbies so you can have a more natural flow of
conversation?

With other professionals: "How did you end up in [Profession]?" or "What
brings you to [Conference, lecture, talk, etc.]" A good one that will get you
a lot of interesting conversation is "What's your biggest challenge at work
right now?"

On a date, just ask them about themselves. The whole point of a date is to get
to know the other person better, so just ask questions. Maybe the conversation
doesn't go anywhere, which is probably a good sign that the relationship isn't
going to go anywhere.

Random casual encounters: "Hey, [Person]! What have you been up to lately? Oh
wow, that sounds really cool! Did you [have a good time, enjoy yourself, meet
new people, learn anything new, manage to get that problem fixed, etc]? Great!
Well, I have to run, fantastic to see you again!"

With speaking one on one with other people, think of the conversation as
branches on a tree. You have the main "trunk" of the conversation which is
whatever you both have in common (for example, you're both attending the same
professional conference), and then topics of conversations are branches of
possibility (why they're at the conference, what interests them most about the
conference, how they ended up in their profession, etc). You can follow a
branch down further to more specific topics if the conversation seems to flow
that way, or back up and try a different branch, or maybe following one topic
of conversation will lead you in a different direction (They say they're at
the conference because they just started a new job, so you start asking them
about the job which leads to them saying they just moved, so you can start
talking about where they moved from, etc).

Something else that has helped me a lot is really thinking about what kind of
person I want to be perceived as, and then holding that intent as I interact
with others. In my personal life, it's a bit easier, as I just want to be
myself, but in my professional life, I have spent some time thinking about
what kind of impression I want to leave people with. As a result, whenever I
go into a professional situation (like a conference or a big meeting) I spend
a couple minutes thinking about what kind of impression I want to leave. That
will naturally affect how I interact with others, as I will actively work
toward leaving that impression. I'm not saying I create a false persona, just
that I try and intentionally have my interactions be positive (so I strive to
avoid complaining), that I come across as receptive to what the other person
is saying (so I focus on really listening to the other person and
understanding what they are saying), and that the other person perceives me as
trustworthy (so I don't spread gossip or speak maliciously about anyone else,
and I keep conversations private on an ongoing basis).

