
Tricks to make yourself effortlessly charming - diminish
http://www.bbc.com/capital/story/20170627-the-tricks-to-make-yourself-effortlessly-charming
======
dwaltrip
Concepts I've found effective and powerful:

* Given them your attention and listen closely. Ask considerate questions.

* Practice empathy. People usually don't want advice, they most often simply want someone else to understand their experiences. If they are open to advice and you have a tidbit of wisdom, share it kindly and with obvious humility

* Channel your optimistic/zen side. All bad experiences are temporary, we can't change the past, and our mindset greatly affects how we actually feel about any scenario. The future is in front of us, how do we want to proceed? These attitudes can be contagious as well.

* Try to find common ground, even if you don't share their viewpoint. With a stranger, there isn't usually a foundation of rapport and mutual understanding to support adversarial debate.

* If you strongly disagree, respectfully acknowledge what they have said, and then shift to a more amicable topic (unless they specifically ask for your view)

* Pay close attention to body language and other subtle cues. Listen to what is _not_ being said. Keep in mind all relevant context. The specific words that are spoken usually reflect a small portion of the actual information being communicated.

Practice, practice, practice. These skills come naturally for some, but we can
all use improvement. Being actively mindful of these aspects of
communication/social interaction is valuable for anyone.

~~~
cousin_it
I think using your analytical mind to affect your attention and behavior in
social situations isn't the best way to learn social skills, because it's too
easy to come across as creepy if you don't have the right "feel" for doing
these things. My own approach is more about unlocking another part of your
mind, to which socializing makes sense natively. It's a bit more inwardly
focused, but still supposed to be used in social situations, so you can see
the automatic change in your outward behavior. It goes like this:

Learn to notice and nudge the emotional state that your entire body is
_actually_ projecting at any given moment, using slow breaths as a focus.

~~~
IAmGraydon
I think these techniques are initially analytical in nature, and may seem
forced, but eventually it becomes habit, and you don't have to think about it
on a moment-to-moment basis.

Your last sentence is interesting, but quite a cliffhanger. Can you expand
upon your technique or point us to some resources?

~~~
cousin_it
I'm not even sure it will work for anyone besides me...

The overall approach was inspired by the book "Drawing on the right side of
the brain" by Betty Edwards. It starts with some simple exercises that don't
teach you to draw per se, but get you into a strange inner state where drawing
makes sense. (Repeating real world curves and angles with your pencil without
looking at the paper, redrawing a sketch upside down, etc.) It works
incredibly well - an adult with zero artistic skill could do these exercises
for a couple hours and get a strong sense of "holy shit, I can draw anything I
want!" It really feels like you're unlocking a part of your brain that was
always there. And the upgrade sticks with you for life.

The point is that I think many skills, especially those with a bimodal
separation (you either get it or don't), are really about your inner state.
The right inner state is hard to teach, but it _can_ be taught, and then you
gain the skill quickly and almost miraculously. For example, all those
infuriating people telling you to "just be yourself" are referring to some
kind of change in inner state, but haven't found the key to communicating it.
For drawing, Betty Edwards has found the key. For social skills, no one has
found the key yet. I'm skeptical that my approach will work for everyone, but
I'm certain that self-experimenting on your inner state when around other
people is more fruitful than trying to force things with them (bravely
approach! pay attention! ask them about their job!) It might take a long time
though. For me it took years, and only after I stumbled into the right state a
few times by accident.

===

Anyway, if you want to follow me, here's what I would suggest. All training
must be done while you're around other people, and the first step is noticing
just how much information you're sending out. Many nerdy folks don't even
fully register their own mood - how good or bad they feel at any given moment
- even when everyone around them can see it plain as day. To me it felt at
first like a firehose of information, much of it negative, that I couldn't
help but blast at whoever was close. (Not through words! Through my pose, my
eyes, etc.)

One way to notice it is by contrast. Watch a clip by Sean Paul, and imagine
that everyone around is constantly comparing you to him. _That 's_ the
firehose. It's very hard to change, because it feels like "water", a part of
what you are. And it's hard to accept that the true reason people don't flock
to you is your low-grade depression. It feels unfair! But becoming hyper-aware
of it is the first step you must take.

When I'm socializing, the focus of my mind is being aware of that firehose of
information. It's easy enough to redirect when it feels nasty (just turn it
away from other people). And if I deliberately ignore what I want from other
people, and focus entirely on making my firehose a bit less off-putting to
them, I can slowly affect change. Breathe out, breathe in slowly, don't lose
touch with the immovable object, and very carefully make it move.

------
qubyte
The article mentions getting someone to like you unnaturally fast to divulge
information.

This happened to me once. I was a character reference for a friend who needed
security clearance for a position in the UK, and they sent a a guy to come and
interview me. About 45 minutes later I came out of the room and quickly
realised I'd been mined for information (all good, luckily for my friend).
While it was happening it felt like we were having just a nice chat.
Afterwards I was totally exhausted. A very strange experience.

~~~
AlexCoventry
You can see that principle at work in the interrogation of Reality Winner.
[https://www.politico.com/f/?id=0000015e-c5e7-ddab-a57f-cfe7d...](https://www.politico.com/f/?id=0000015e-c5e7-ddab-a57f-cfe7d5b50002)

~~~
nasredin
If the FBI shows up at your door, and act very nicely, very friendly... but
they have a search warrant...

It's not a speeding ticket, you are not gonna out talk them out of searching
your house... so you should... not talk?!

~~~
smnrchrds
They are professionals with a single goal in mind and years of combined
training and practice to learn how to acheive it. If you think you can somehow
talk them out of doing what they came to do and not put yourself in a worse
position than what you began with [1], you are either a very good criminal
lawyer or are being naïve.

[1] e.g. by making a false statement in violation of 18 USC 1001, and trust
me, they will be counting on it and have planned for it)

[https://www.popehat.com/2007/10/26/shutupshutupshutupshutup/](https://www.popehat.com/2007/10/26/shutupshutupshutupshutup/)

[https://www.popehat.com/2011/03/18/just-a-friendly-
reminder-...](https://www.popehat.com/2011/03/18/just-a-friendly-reminder-
please-shut-the-hell-up/)

[https://www.popehat.com/2011/12/01/reminder-oh-wont-you-
plea...](https://www.popehat.com/2011/12/01/reminder-oh-wont-you-please-shut-
up/)

~~~
nasredin
I meant the OP as she should have been smart enough (spoke 3 ME languages
IIRC) to realize she should stop talking.

IF she did something illegal, she must have thought a day like that may come
and had prepared herself.

It's interesting that people who should know better keep falling for these
techniques, e.g. General Flynn.

------
jancsika
Be careful with this. Attempting to be charming in this way means you've taken
one branch over an alternate branch. And at least in the U.S., very few people
will be willing to tell you the costs once you've made the decision,
_especially if_ you are _extraordinarily bad_ at being charming.

For example: at the beginning of "The Little Prince", the narrator describes
his childhood drawing of a snake eating an elephant which he uses to test the
people he meets as an adult. If the person tells him, "that is a snake eating
an elephant," he knows he is safe to talk about "important" things in life. If
the person instead tells him, "that is a hat," he talks about superficial
things.

But it's actually worse than that, because in the book there is only a single
person-- the narrator-- who is judging the character of others. But when
someone attempts to "work" a room by being charming, they immediately
telegraph their intentions to the entire room at once. And everyone else
_immediately_ adjusts their behavior accordingly.

And Americans will not only gloss over the inneffectual charms of others, they
will _actively lie_ to avoid the conflict of calling someone else a phony. So
if you try to charm, there's no way to get trustworthy feedback on your
progress.

On the other hand-- if we're discussing something I care deeply about, there
is little to gain by you staring at my irises for the correct amount of time.
Beautiful smile or not, at some point you're going to respond in words to what
I'm saying. At that point you're either clearly demonstrating your
comprehension and interest, or you are so quick-witted and devious that I
probably want to get to know you anyway out of sheer fascination (at least on
a short-term basis).

------
zschuessler
One tip mentioned is to raise your eyebrows. As example: when you first meet
someone, raise your eyebrows slightly (or one), smile, and tilt your head and
greet them. Making someone else feel special makes you charming.

Along the same lines: I find that voice cadences, and inflection, work pretty
well for being charming! Take time to enuncicate the whole sentence you want
to say, throw emotion into your words. _And_ if you happen to do the eyebrow
trick at the same time - it's charm overload.

Surprised audio cues weren't mentioned more :-)

~~~
EasyTiger_
How grossly manipulative

~~~
zschuessler
I can see how one may think that!

I see charm as a way to make connections with others (which is awesome!). It's
also _crazy_ fun to inflect your voice. Everyone has a better time when you're
okay being silly.

Would you treat a new acquaintance like they had the plague? Probably not. Is
it manipulative to be nice to someone? I don't think so. Being silly with
inflection, or using any of the tools described in the article, for me is just
another way to relate to others.

I won't deny some may use the tools for manipulation - but the practice isn't
inherently manipulative in my opinion.

~~~
mwcgtbkp5yfg
Beyond being manipulative, it's coming across in your descriptions as childish
and weird. How about you just act how you feel? That seems a lot more
relatable.

------
hoodwink
Any good book recommendations on engaging small talk and authentic first
impressions? I’m headed to a weeklong NYE retreat that has a tendency to
dredge up high school cafeteria level social anxieties.

~~~
wonder_er
A while back I read _Never Eat Alone_ [0], and found it to be fruitful for
framing casual social interactions.

Additionally, most other people do not look forward to "mindless smalltalk
with strangers". Since it's possible that everyone in the group shares equal
anxiety about being there, _you_ can provide a gift to _them_ by asking
pointed questions. If it's easy for them to answer, and gives something
interesting for everyone else to listen to, it's actually a lot of pressure
off the whole group.

The go-to question I use is:

    
    
      what's the best book you've read in the last year or so? Why?
    

_Note: This works for me because I am a voracious reader, and am always on the
hunt for more good books, so if they can make a good book recommendation, I
benefit. YMMV._

Since not everyone reads, that question can be amended to "best movie/tv
show/documentary".

I'm often the new guy in certain work situations, and that question has saved
me a lot of discomfort.

good luck!

[0] [https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00H6JBFOS/ref=dp-kindle-
redirect?...](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00H6JBFOS/ref=dp-kindle-
redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1)

~~~
trentmb
Totally off topic- why is it people always use "voracious" to describe their
reading habits?

~~~
chickenfries
It's funny how some adjectives always seem to be followed by certain nouns,
huh? I think about this whenever I heard about "bodies strewn on the street"
on the news.

Reading (and watching) seems to be compared to eating all the time: \- I
devoured that book \- I binged that season

Then there's that term, "consumption" which seemingly applies to every piece
of media.

~~~
dswalter
You're looking for the linguistic term 'collocation,' and these are good
examples of idiomatic usage of English. Further, words located in proximity
with each other is a big part of the distributional hypothesis: "you shall
know a word by the company it keeps". This is in turn a key component of how
language models like word2vec or GloVe can be effective.

~~~
jacobolus
[https://prelectur.stanford.edu/lecturers/hofstadter/analogy....](https://prelectur.stanford.edu/lecturers/hofstadter/analogy.html)

------
devdad
Many seem to claim that using these methods are manipulative. One could also
argue that knowing these methods put those that lack inherited social skills,
or find it scary to interact with others, on equal footing with those that use
these techniques naturally. Look to someone you think is killing it in all
social circumstances without effort. These people will smile (with both the
eyes and mouth), show interest in others and mirror the physical behavior of
their talking partner. Most of these people aren't trying to manipulate. It
comes naturally. You could improve yourself to just become a natural by
realizing these signs.

------
sidcool
A harsh fact is not mentioned. Good looking people have it easier than others.
There's a natural charm in for looks.

~~~
bkanber
> “While some things, like dominance, are highly related to morphological
> features, there are things like trustworthiness and even attractiveness
> which are highly dependent on facial expressions,” says Todorov

> Of course, while you may not be able to control the physical features of
> your face, it is possible to alter your expressions and smile.

I'd say that is mentioned.

~~~
sidcool
Ok, the language somewhat confused me. It's mentioned somewhere.

------
redslazer
While some of these may be good tips, they don't exactly sound effortless.

Also does refocusing your eyes actually make you look engaged? Sometimes
people I talk to appear to be doing that and it comes off a bit shady.

~~~
0xcde4c3db
> While some of these may be good tips, they don't exactly sound effortless.

No kidding. I can barely even imagine juggling verbal language _and_ body
language _and_ facial expressions.

------
michalu
A good guide to become a likeable "nice guy" chump... unfortunately, multiple
studies show that even narcissism is more correlated with success and
attractiveness than trying to show you're likeable, non-threatening person.

While things in this article are mostly factually correct, they don't work as
the author claims.

One thing to consider is that many people who write these books and articles
are usually thinkers, very biased and likely to interpret these findings (like
smile signals you're not a threat) to conform their ideal world view.

To see just how much of a BS this is in terms of effectiveness, if you're a
heterosexual guy, try interacting with women (or other men) with non-
threatening smile and raised eye-brows.

See how far it gets you.

~~~
boyce
What are you trying to say?

~~~
michalu
That none of those "tricks" will make you more charming.

------
tabeth
Ｉwonder if the existence of said "tips"ｉｓ ｗｈｙ ｍａｎｙ ｐｅｏｐｌｅ ｆｉｎｄ ｏｔｈｅｒｓ
ｉｎｓｉｎｃｅｒｅ．

~~~
anbende
People tend to find others insincere when it seems like the other person is
trying or practicing rather than just acting naturally. Unfortunately, social
interactions are a skill, and for many people this skill could use some work,
so this becomes a catch-22. Trying or practicing is a prerequisite for getting
better, but it seems unnatural and/or awkward at first.

Of course, some people just rattle off canned lines and don't pay attention to
others. They're insincere, because they can't be bothered to give other people
their attention and respect.

In my experience, people who are actively trying to get better at social
situations are usually in the first category, but not always (read PUAs). And
maybe there are other categories!

~~~
ellius
It’s really a question of intent. One of my favorite observations was a
comment made by Day9 (a pro Starcraft commentator) on the topic of strategy.
He said that, when he was younger, he used to think that strategy was just
“whoever had the best trick.” But as he grew and improved at the game, he
began to understand that strategy was more a matter of focus, consistently
good decision-making, and occasionally some deep situational insight. I think
working on your social skills is similar. If you are just trying to learn “one
simple trick” to manipulate other people, you’re really missing the point and
being kind of a bad human being to boot. You’ll almost certainly sabotage
yourself and head down a bad path. But if you’re genuinely trying to improve
your interactions with other people and to understand why conversations may
not go as smoothly as you would think, and if you have good intent, I think
these sorts of things can be very useful for people that are not intuitively
skilled at meeting strangers.

------
philwelch
> "Suzanne de Janasz, an affiliated professor of management at Seattle
> University, says interpersonal skills are becoming increasingly important in
> the workplace as organisations have done away with older, hierarchical
> structures in recent years."

Yup. "Flat" organizational structures don't exist in reality; you're just
replacing a formal hierarchy with an informal hierarchy of charisma.

~~~
jbnicolai
You might enjoy the essay The Tyranny Of Structurelessness, which articulates
this exact point, if you weren't already referencing it
[https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7409611](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7409611)

------
ShabbosGoy
These techniques are very similar to those used in social engineering.

In order to social someone, you need to get them to trust you. Charm,
charisma, and likeability are all related and essential when you want to get
something out of someone. That may sound transactional and it is.

Unfortunately, I’ve realized that no one is a friend to you out of the
goodness of their heart. That simply does not exist anymore.

~~~
Thiez
And at which point in history would you say such goodness did exist?

------
djroomba
Also dont be unattractive. I think its called the halo effect.

------
dtf
On a related note, Sky News body language review of 2017 is quite fun.

[https://youtu.be/l4n67_dbaC0](https://youtu.be/l4n67_dbaC0)

It’s interesting how the eyebrow flash and the smile are promoted in this BBC
article on charm, yet perhaps did not do Hillary Clinton so much good in this
age of the strongman. Women have it tough getting the tone right in politics
and business.

------
RickJWag
Ironic they'd choose George Clooney as the cover subject.

He's basically the poster-boy for inherited privilege and wealth (and a card
carrying Weinstein-enabler), but he's credited with 'charm'.

------
baxtr
I’d be cautious with that kind of advice. Rapport is established over time.
Even if you make a terrible first impression you can make up for that during a
course of an interview (for example).

------
AlexCoventry
> So now you have made your entrance – hopefully without gurning like a maniac

TIL the verb "gurn," "make a grotesque face."

------
michalu
One of the least attractive behaviours is trying to be liked. Don't follow the
advice in that article.

------
nextstepguy
I wish the writer would have used a spell checker.

------
danharaj
Why are these framed as tricks?

~~~
juanmirocks
So you click on it. It worked.

~~~
danharaj
Heh, yea, that's fair. The tone of the article is quite off-putting.

------
659087
Tricks to make yourself look like a sleazy salesman to anyone who sees through
your bullshit. It's like the "developing your 'personal brand'" concept those
without personalities use on social media, but applied to real life
situations.

I prefer not to interact with people who need to use "tricks" to make
themselves _seem_ trustworthy. The fact that you're faking a personality (aka
lying) already tells me all I need to know about your trustworthiness up
front.

