
Ask HN: any of the HNers have kids & work from home? - Jem
This is probably irrelevant to 98% of HN so apologies in advance. I'm looking to speak with any female hackers/programmers etc who have kids and work from home. (I figure HNers are more likely to beat there own path, so might find what I'm looking for here...)<p>I am currently working 9-5, 4 days a week. My 18 month old is in nursery (daycare). I am increasingly feeling that I am doing the wrong thing. Little tales of things going on at nursery, little snippets of an 'upbringing' I don't want her to have.<p>I am considering ditching the job, but cannot afford to NOT work because my partner doesn't earn a fat lot, thus need to work from home/freelance. I am a competent PHP developer with 10 years experience (5 hobby plus 5 professional). Can I make this work for me?<p>Any guidance or advice most welcome....<p>ETA: just to add - what complicates matters slightly is that we're in the process of buying our own house. Everything should be in place by the end of May. This will reduce our monthly outgoings though (currently paying much more for an old rental cottage, v. expensive to heat). I have about £7k in savings.<p>ETA2: removed 'female' from the title - thinking about it, I'm sure anyone working from home with kids will have useful input!
======
arn
As a non-female parent who works from home. If your intention is to take care
of your 18 month old AND work at the same time, I'll say it's not going to
happen.

In my experience, you really can't watch an 18 month old and work from home at
the same time. It's the worst of both worlds. So, you'll still need some form
of child care while you are working.

~~~
Jem
Thanks (all input welcome really, not restricted to mums)

I was kinda thinking my mum could take her for a couple of mornings a week,
and I know my partner's mum is eager to look after her on Wednesdays. I was
hoping that + evenings would be enough.

Maybe I'm being totally unrealistic.

~~~
Splines
Are your parents and/or in-laws retired? Maybe you can get them to take more
time if you explained the situation. If they're not already committed to
something else, they'd hopefully be glad to help out in your situation.

My wife and I are pretty much on our own in a different country than our
parents, and on retrospection it would have been easier on us if we were able
to get our parents to babysit every now-and-then. We're fortunate that I make
enough that my wife is able to stay at home and watch our kids, but she misses
her career and we also miss having one-on-one time together. Things are going
well for us right now but we lack flexibility in our schedules.

~~~
Jem
My mum looked after my daughter for a couple of months when I first went back
to work. Unfortunately she's disabled so it's not a solution long term.

My partner's mum works full time.

------
nhebb
I was a stay at home dad (I prefer 'trophy husband', btw) with an infant son
while I built my first product. I got by on too little sleep for too long,
taking care my son during the day and working during naps and evenings, often
late into the night. It wasn't easy, but we had a great time.

Now for the bad news. While this was all possible working on my own product,
on my own schedule, there is just no way that I could have kept any external
commitments. Some weeks I got a lot done, and some weeks I didn't get anything
done. If you're going to try this, I would suggest scaling daycare back to
half days, or maybe just a few days a week at first to see how well you can
make it work out.

------
AmberShah
I did for awhile, first for my local employer where my team was in the office
and I worked from home, and then from a distributed company. These were both
full time, and then I did part time for a different local company.

I had a nanny there watching my kid the entire time I was working. I did get
to take little breaks to see what he was up to (and when he was younger, nurse
him) and that's what was great about it. However, I really could NOT have
watched him and worked AT ALL.

Taking care of a kid really is a full time job and you won't be able to get
any work done if you don't have childcare there as well. Even the 1-2 hours
you might get in a nap are easily taken up by cleaning up your messes,
collapsing in exhaustion and, if you're lucky, checking your email.

If you CAN afford a nanny so that you're at home with your kid, then that is
an awesome setup. It's the closest the thing to having your cake and eat it
too, in my opinion.

And if you're feeling uneasy about your daycare, get your kid out ASAP! These
little gut feelings are all you have, since you aren't there yourself. If you
can't watch him yourself or get nanny, then at least find a new daycare. I
used to work at a highly praised/awarded day care and based on that experience
alone, I will never put my kid in daycare. Like I said, we were one of the
better ones, because I've heard horror stories way worse than what happened
where I worked. So... that sounds scary and I'm sorry but you have to trust
your gut.

~~~
Jem
I probably couldn't afford a nanny, but my sister is currently jobless and
might be open to 'working' for me a couple of days a week.

Thank you. I appreciate your honesty.

~~~
gte910h
A fulltime nanny (aka, daytime, approx 9-10 hours, not live in) is only going
to run you about 25-35k in many areas of the country. (I'm speaking of a legal
resident with a green card or US citizen).

I think you'll find buying a smaller home or going on fewer vacations or
eating out much less and getting some domestic help will drastically improve
the quality of your life.

~~~
Jem
We're buying the smallest home in our area, don't vacation and don't eat
out...

~~~
gte910h
Sounds like you're not making enough to make living/working there worthwhile.
Try a cheaper city. I'm not talking Topeka, but do look at cheaper cities with
a tech scene. (I'm a big advocate of Atlanta, and live here, but Austin also
works nicely).

Or just get a new job in the same city with better pay.

Edit: Oh, I see you're in the UK. That is quite different. Try pointing that
out. The UK has several high cost areas and lower cost areas as well, but I
know little about the tech scene.

The solution may be "Dude get's higher paying job"

~~~
Jem
Apologies for not clarifying my location.

I earn the going rate for a PHP developer in my area, in a job that I love
that's close to where I live. Unfortunately it's a fairly low-paying area, so
although I could probably squeeze another couple of grand out of a different
employer, that would be eaten up by travelling costs/etc.

If money were the issue here, I'd just go up to 5 days a week.

~~~
gte910h
Yeah, honestly, increasing income, or your hubby stopping some work is
probably the better directions. In the states python/ruby web dev pays a bit
better than php, so perhaps you could try moving towards that.

My gut says 'Don't buy this house, it's the wrong size for your income/family
situation and in a place that doesn't pay well enough for the life you want.'

------
kbutler
I'm a Dad with 6 children. My wife is a more-than-full-time Mom and homemaker.
I've been primarily working from home for the past 10 years (and 3 children).

It sounds like your plans (part-time, primary caregiver for the child) isn't
completely like my experience, but there are similarities.

Critical success factors for me:

* Have a separate workspace. I have to have a place that is for work, and away from wife & kids.

* Training - the kids have to learn (& be reminded!) that when I'm working, I'm not available to play games/read stories/play outside. This applies to my wife as well...

* Time for life, too. Sometimes the balance shifts the other way, and it's too easy to slip back into work because it's always right there...

But it has been wonderful - I've been able to be much more involved in the
lives of my children. We have lunch together. I was there when they learned to
walk. They can come for a hug or to snuggle on my lap for a minute. I make it
to school programs. I'm here when they come home from school.

If you're comparing having 100% of the income (and spending 1/2 of it for
taxes and daycare) vs. half the income and you get to "be there" every day as
your child is growing, there's no comparison. Be there and enjoy your child.

Though there will be days you'll say, "Why am I doing this, again?" there will
be plenty of memories you'll treasure.

------
alaithea
I used to think that a parent's care was unequivocally the best childcare, but
I no longer believe that to be true. As the mother of a four month old who has
had 95% of her care provided by either me or my husband working from home, and
5% by a grandmother coming to stay and watch her, I have learned that having a
dedicated child care person is not only vastly superior for the working
parents' productivity/quality of life, it is also superior for the child. My
daughter made so many developmental strides while under the full attention of
an adult, versus the divided, frazzled attention she received from a working
parent. Having come to the realization that my bright and inquisitive daughter
needs more than the partial attention of an adult, we have changed our minds
about our ability to care for her while performing our jobs (work in my case,
professional school in my husband's).

You might therefore consider what we are currently considering in our single-
income household, which is to get an au pair. I am in the US, so program
details/costs will differ, but here is my assessment based on the U.S.
program. Since they are live-in, the cash outlay can be considerably less than
getting a nanny. While there are substantial program fees, their salary is
paid at minimum wage, which is generally half to a third (even a quarter) of a
nanny's wage. If you live in an expensive area, the cost of an au pair can
even be competitive with in-home daycares (which are typically the least
expensive type of daycare). Other benefits include their childcare training
from the program, the light housework they may perform, and the "cultural
exchange" aspect of hosting a young adult from another country.

(If an au pair doesn't work out for us, our second choice would be to do a
nanny share.)

~~~
cmars
I've definitely seen and believe in the benefits of an extended family raising
a child. I think you're on to something here.

~~~
alaithea
Since we have no family living in the area, I'm hoping that some responsible,
hired help can fill that void.

------
portman
I have several female friends who work from home and watch their children.

I'm not sure any of them would _recommend_ their lifestyle, but they make it
work. The key seems to be _about 3-4 hours of at-home childcare assistance per
day_.

As any parent knows, there are long stretches during a day when kids are easy,
punctuated by little 20-minute intervals of pure agony. Having someone on hand
to help with those little moments seems to be the key.

This can a grandparent, neighbor, or nanny. Like I said, we have a few close
friends who are currently making this work (out of necessity, not choice).

------
pbhjpbhj
I'm not female so presumably my opinion doesn't count, but I'll give it anyway
'cause that's what I'm like.

I do some web design/dev work alongside my other occupation and my wife and I
alternate childcare/household duties and work (and have for both our kids
except for the -2 to 6 months age range). Our youngest just turned 2.

Basically I came to the point, about 6 months ago, where I can no longer do
any useful work (before bedtime c.8pm) and look after the little one. He does
have a nap for up to an hour a day and that's the most time I can hope to
gain. But then he's also up at 6am and I'm a night owl so I often need a
little nap myself. He can of course play independently in the house or mess
around in the garden but I find context switching to be extremely hard.
Whenever I try to use the phone he's there or he’s calling me or fallen over
or something.

After our first child when I first started professional web design work I'd
simply work in to the night. It's possible to do the actual work but what I
couldn't do was go out and find new work easily.

We started our own business(es) and took a huge cut in our income, then had
kids ... I wanted kids. I want to raise them and spend time with them, as much
as possible really.

In short raising my own kids is mostly joyful and rewarding; I don't really
understand having children and then getting someone else to raise them for
you. If you have a ready source of [PHP] work then I think it's eminently
doable, if you have to seek for work, win clients, etc., then I think it's
going to get very much harder.

/rambling

------
bcks
Your milage may vary, but I can tell you how we are doing it. My wife and I
both work from home. I sold my half of my company in 2008 and have since been
a freelance designer and developer. My wife is a freelance editor. We have a
baby-sitter / nanny who comes 4 days a week to help with my 2-year-old girl.
Wednesdays are still "family" days and it's nice to go to the museums, the
zoo, even just the grocery store during a weekday when they are not super-
crowded.

Of course my wife and I are interrupted throughout the day to help with lunch,
naptime, diapers, story and play time, etc. The interruptions can be a bit
frustrating when working against a deadline and I've occasionally rented a
part-time desk in a shared office space to be a bit more focused. But we see a
huge payoff in my daughter. We think as a result of being so responsive and
close to her, she seems confident and emotionally secure, and very verbal for
her age. And of course, _being there_ has been an amazing experience for me,
too.

One downside is that she's not getting the same socialization she would in day
care. But we do take her to various group activities and classes, and she
starts a pre-school two mornings a week in the fall. She will get a good dose
of it then.

We're also not saving much money for retirement and occasionally dip into our
savings, but we are otherwise making ends meet, paying off the mortgage and
health insurance and still manage to take a few weeks vacation each year. Once
my daughter is in school, we expect to ramp up the billable hours. In the
evenings, I've even managed to put together a modest web app, which I hope to
launch this summer.

------
missizii
I would like to know how you handle this, because I am expecting my first
child in July (missizii@yahoo.com). I am fortunate that my husband can support
our family and if I wanted to, I would never have to work outside the home
again. But I don't want to completely give up the personal satisfaction of
building interesting software that is used by lots of people. I live in a low-
tech area, and there is no such thing as a part-time software engineering
position. My current plan is to use a half-day Montessori preschool starting
at age 2 and use that time to work on an android application (I'm a jack-of-
all-trades, but I started my career in Java). Is a half-day preschool an
option for you?

------
larrik
I'm not a female, but I feel that asking only females is making this question
only artificially "irrelevant to 98% of HN." Me not being from the UK is
probably a bigger barrier.

Still, I don't understand. Instead of your child being in a place where they
can socialize with other kids and be watched by adults, you want to let them
spend all day playing quietly by themselves or being babysat by the TV while
you are working on your computer all day with your back turned? And this is
your unrealistic, ideal best-case?!

If you don't mean full time, that may work (you can probably squeeze in a
couple of hours a day, at the expense of the house growing messier and
messier). This is much more reasonable when you aren't paying for daycare.

I'd also like to ask if you really think you could handle being alone all day,
constantly juggling 2 stressful jobs at once, every day. A full time mom can
leave the house with the kid(s) and socialize, but if you are working that
would just be something else to stress over while you try to "squeeze it in".

If you can afford full-time daycare, are you SURE you can't afford to just
stay home? (At least you OR your partner)

P.S. I actually am not a big fan of daycare, and my wife is likely going to go
back to being a full-time mom after half a year of working part time
specifically to let both mommy and baby socialize outside of the house
(separately, in this case). Gas prices, tuition hikes, and the loss of
alternative care have made it too costly (she was working 3 days just to pay
for 2 days of daycare. Seriously).

(Edited to add a couple of sentences, didn't notice Jem's reply until
afterwards)

~~~
Jem
My little girl is not big on socialising with other kids she doesn't know -
and even after nearly 6 months at nursery she's still struggling to fit in. I
would prefer to have her in an environment where I can focus on her current
emotional needs and worry about socialising with people we know before forcing
her into the big wide world. (We don't watch TV.)

I definitely would be aiming to do it part time. Earning enough to keep things
ticking over, not to have some sort of luxury lifestyle.

Childcare currently costs over half my monthly income so I hear you there.

~~~
hugh3
_My little girl is not big on socialising with other kids she doesn't know -
and even after nearly 6 months at nursery she's still struggling to fit in._

If she's having difficulty developing those social skills surely this makes it
_more_ important to throw her into social situations rather than protecting
her from them?

~~~
Jem
I disagree, but I didn't write this to debate parenting methods so will leave
it there.

------
flamingnonsense
1\. You have to do what makes you happy and comfortable 2\. Do not I repeat DO
NOT let yourself be bullied by anyone who makes snide comments about what
works for you

The feelings you have are natural for a parent. Even if you don't work -
you'll feel guilt over many other things.

So here are some tips from a female who works from home.

Try for a job that allows flexibility. Some of my best hours of work are from
8pm-12am.

Instead of a 'day care' perhaps someone in your neighborhood babysits
children. My next door neighbor has a little play group that all the mothers
are super happy with and my son literally bursts through the play group door.
He is ready to leave the second he wakes up.

If your job pays well perhaps a babysitter who comes to your house while you
work can be a possibility. They can also do light cleaning and perhaps help
peel vegetables for supper etc.

Your 18 month old will not stay 18 months old forever. So perhaps now you
might feel a bit of natural guilt but children are resilient and your baby
will be fine. My mom worked all through our childhood and we had no resentment
issues ever. Just make sure to give your baby lots of love and as much
attention as you can.

Again - do not allow others to dictate how you feel. Do what works for you.

------
augustflanagan
My wife and I have a 3 month old and are both trying to work from home part-
time and take care of him (I also go to school part-time so that get's me out
of the house a bit).

Obviously a 3 month old is much different than an 18 month old, but our
experience so far is telling us that we cannot take care of the baby and get
work done without finding some extra help for at least a few hours a week.

Currently I try to work from 8-10 a.m. while my wife and the baby are asleep.
Then I watch the baby for about four hours and my wife tries to get work done.
The problem is that there are so many small interruptions everyday (diapers,
crying, feeding, happy alert time, etc.) that we both struggle to find time
when we can really concentrate and get things done.

A friend of ours is a nursing student and is going on summer break this week.
She's planning on trying to babysit for 3-4hrs a day 2-3 days a week. Maybe
you could find a similar solution.

Good luck! I really hope you figure out something that works.

------
froggy
I've been a stay-at-home dad for about 5 years now and can relate. My oldest
son (14 months at the time) was always getting sick at his daycare and he
twice got so sick he ended up in the ER. After that we decided one of us was
staying home. Best decision we ever made. I know later in life I will look
back at these years as the "glory years" because of all the memories and time
spent together.

When I'm not on daddy duty I develop and support two web apps on the side. The
only real work I've been able to consistently get in is during nap time
(usually 2 hours per day after lunch), a 6-hour chunk on an odd Saturday or
Sunday, and at night when they are sleeping. I can also fire off an email here
and there throughout the day, but for the most part the "business" comes
second to family responsiblities. When I'm with the kids I try not to let the
business take up too many brain cycles so I can be fully "present".

------
bendoit
I am not female but have been through this.

Keep the kids at home. The only time to work is at night after everyone is
asleep and it is quiet. Time trying to work during the day will be wasted due
to constant interruptions and thinking about other things, and you'll be
frustrated as well.

This means during the 16 day hours you need to take them 8 hrs and your
partner needs to take them the other 8 hours. That means you aren't spending
much time together. That's right, that's how this will work.

In the old days professionals made enough cash to hire a professional staff to
raise the kids at home, and later off to boarding school. This is not possible
now since most IT jobs that pay well are in areas that have such a high cost
of living there is no money to hire a staff. Staff is for executive level
folks that make $3 million +.

~~~
gte910h
Second tier cities (Atlanta, Austin) do pay less, but cost of living is much
much less, and you can hire staff here.

Even if you end up paying them 1/2 your takehome: You triple your free time,
the most valuable resource you have.

~~~
alaithea
On the other hand, if you live in a first-tier city, this makes the au pair
program that much of a better deal (see my other comment on au pairs), as you
get a first-tier salary, and their pay is federal minimum wage. It's too bad
for the au pairs, but that is how the program works, and they _are_ getting
free room and board, plus some cash, in a first-tier city.

~~~
infinite8s
If you live in a first-tier city (like New York City) and can afford an extra
room for an au pair, then you probably don't need to worry about the cost of
childcare.

------
niels_olson
Yet another non-female here, but I did stay at home one summer and watched our
18 mo and 4 yo while trying to do some consulting work. It was a nightmare. If
you can get in home care, that might, might help. But you would still be
better off in a separate building. If you have a cottage, unattached garage,
barn, etc, that might help. For me, I had to wait until my wife got home and
go to a coffee shop. Then it took 45 minutes for my brain to spin down from
its hypervigilant state. I developed tinnitus during those months, and still
have it five years later.

The central problem is that you can't load big problems into your head.
Something will _always_ bring them crashing down. You won't spend half your
time watching the kiddo and get half as much done. You'll get 1% as much done.

------
brudgers
I've been a "work from home parent" off and on over the last ten years. My
observation - when a child is young GOOD daycare is probably going to be
better than anything you can provide.

Because the day at daycare is structured around your child and the people who
are interacting with your child do not have something that they would rather
be doing or feel that they need to be doing, good daycare workers are more
consistently present in the moment for the children in their care - they are
not feeling like they should be checking their email or writing code or
attending a meeting.

Finally, without a signed contract the economics don't work and even with one,
getting new clients and new projects is going to put pressure on you to be
elsewhere while your child is in your care.

Good luck.

------
dadro
I'm a male with an 18 month old. I've found it next to impossible to work from
home with child around. I felt guilty not giving my daughter the attention she
wanted but also felt guilty not being able to focus on work. A good compromise
(IMHO) would be to adjust your working time to perhaps 4-5 hours during the
day (around nap time) then another 4-5 hours after baby goes to bed.

I would highly recommend checking out a co-working space if available. They
give you a separate place to work free of distractions and are much cheaper
than renting an office. Good luck!

------
petervandijck
In my experience, kids that age can sense when you're working on the computer.
They'll happily play by themselves when you're doing things like cleaning,
cooking etc., but the moment you turn on the computer they'll be on you and
won't let you "dissappear" into the machine. At least, that's my experience.

~~~
portman
100% concur.

My kids seem to have developed a sixth sense for when I'm deep in thought on a
particularly hard problem, and will usually pick THAT EXACT MOMENT to gang up
on my wife. In unison, all 3 will have temper tantrums, causing my wife to
call down to me (I work in the basement) for backup.

I suspect this is related to the ability for an infant to know the difference
between your REAL cellphone and your old cellphone with the SIM removed.
Seriously. I've never met a baby who was happy playing with an old cellphone,
but give them a working cellphone and they're totally happy.

------
runjake
I have triplets and I'm a dad. The only possible way I can get any work done
is by doing it after they go to bed, but then I must balance any work with
truly quality time with the wife.

You've got to make serious sacrifices and rethink things, but your kid is
worth it.

PS: I didn't have a problem with female in your title. I'm a pretty
participatory parent, but it's definitely a different situation between mom
and dad roles.

------
bdunbar
I have not worked full-time from home, but have worked from home on occasion,
with a home-schooled boy. He was between 8 - 10 years old. Sometimes his
mother was present, occasionally I was teaching him school and working.

I can't imagine working full time with a young child. Well, I can, but it's
not pretty: power naps and no real sleep.

What you could is hire a child-care provider. She comes to your house, so you
can oversee what is going on, peek in on the kid and so forth.

I am not real hip on child-care centers: you get other people raising your
children, these people are not always ideal, or even nice, and so forth.

The ideal is having a parent at home doing the child-rearing. Perhaps your
partner can be the stay-at-home until the child is school age.

This might be inconvenient, for the guy. But consider that your child is the
single most important thing you will ever do.

------
ordinary
I usually get the financial argument when I ask people with kids why the
mother doesn't work: "We wanted one of us to be a full-time parent. <Dad>
made/makes more money than <mum>, so it made sense she quit her job."

It seems the situation is reversed for you, but does the argument not still
apply?

~~~
LaGrange
This, also other possible arrangements:

* two part times

* actually use the daycare, and consider the stories as the usual legends, of the "we're pissing into your food" variety

* any combination of the above

~~~
Jem
We are using the daycare. The "little tales" I refer to are things they're
doing/saying that I don't like, rather than people telling me their bad
experiences.

------
skeltoac
I'm a father (still pretty new) working from home with an office in an
outbuilding. My wife stays home with our crawling 10-month-old. She has asked
me to watch the kid while I work from the couch so she can be free to make
dinner. It doesn't work. It didn't work before the kid learned to crawl. It
won't work until the kid can be unsupervised. You can't supervise a kid and
work at the same time.

So what? You can still find a way to be home with your child more of the week
and get by. We sacrificed a decent second income (my wife's) and money is
tighter but it's worth it.

Maybe you'll work fewer hours and hire a nanny for your working hours. Best
case scenario: one of you finds a better income so the other can stop working.

------
elliottcarlson
I have a female friend whom is a developer, mom and work from home freelancer
- let me see if I can get her on here to give some information :)

~~~
Jem
Thanks (if it's easier, she could email jem@jemjabella.co.uk)

~~~
pbhjpbhj
OT:

"Parenting is not black and white, you don’t NEED the material shit or
thousands of pounds to make it work. Save your money for when your sproglet
reaches 17 months old and discovers how to throw a tantrum, you can invest in
an alcohol habit to get you through it. Ahem."

Amen.

I think we're birds of a feather, apart from the pets (I'm not in to caging
animals, zoos make me so sad).

------
synnik
You are right at that corner where this will become possible. Before 18
months, there is no way. But at 18 months, they usually can play independently
for longer periods, and you should be able to put some time into work. The
older they get, the easier it gets.

But I have two recommendations:

1) Find activities they can get caught up in for long periods of time -
drawing, crafts, or something like that. You need them to be nearby, but
independently occupied.

2) Find work that doesn't require being "in the zone". You won't get a solid 2
hour block of time. You will get interrupted often. If you choose work that
will suffer from frequent interruptions, you will struggle to succeed.

------
grandalf
A small plug for the hn-parents google group!

~~~
Jem
Thank you, I wasn't aware of this!

(link: <http://groups.google.com/group/hn-parents> )

------
petercooper
I did. And the way I played it was to work through the night so my wife could
have a full night's sleep every night (in preparation for a full day!) That
way I could work all night in peace (mostly) and deal with the baby when
necessary.

Now that my daughter's solidly into toddler territory, though, my wife was
keen for me to be awake at "more normal" hours so I've rented an office ;-)
There's just no way I could be in the same house with a demanding wife and
child.. not necessarily because of their active demands, but because I kept
getting lured into playing or doing stuff with them.

------
rbritton
My sister-in-law has two kids (2.75 years and 1.5 years) and works from home.
She has two or three girls set up on a rotation that come over and watch the
kids for a number of hours most days of the week so she can get some work
done. It would be impossible to do anything otherwise, especially as the kids
don't often nap at the same time.

They live fairly close to a local college, so it's worked out well for them to
find people for the position. One even stays in a secondary building they have
on property with a portion of the rent traded for the babysitting.

~~~
pbhjpbhj
Being rich always helps.

What does your sister-in-law do?

~~~
rbritton
She manages insurance of some sort -- I don't know the specific details. She
does have a completely separate, dedicated working space for it. It's as far
away from the kids and the noise as possible.

------
joshkaufman
My wife and I have a four month old daughter, and we both run successful
businesses from home.

I take care of the baby in the morning while my wife works, and we switch in
the afternoon. This schedule ensures we each get 4-6 hours of focused time to
work each day without taking Lela to daycare.

It's not always easy, but we're very productive, and still feel like good
parents.

I recently wrote a post with the details here:
[http://personalmba.com/building-a-business-that-supports-
you...](http://personalmba.com/building-a-business-that-supports-your-life/)

------
barrydahlberg
It sounds like you want to be at home so that your little girl gets more of
your time. Working effectively from home requires getting as much time to
yourself as possible. It's going to be a tough conflict.

I'm a dad with a 20 month old son. I've tried working at home and even with
Mum looking after him I found it next to impossible. There is nothing quite as
distracting as hearing a crash followed by your child screaming. Little boys
do this A LOT.

I understand your thoughts on day care though. I hope you find an arrangement
that works for you.

------
betageek
I'm a dad with two kids, one went to nursery 3 days a week from the age of one
while mum worked, one didn't (the income/childcare cost maths on 2 kids didn't
work out) and I doubt you'd see any difference in their demeanour. Nursery is
not some kind of punishment for your kids, in fact it's probably the opposite,
especially if the alternative is being looked after by a stressed mum who's
trying to do two incredibly taxing jobs at the same time!

From your post it sounds like the issue is your nursery, if you're not happy
with it try looking around for a different one didn't. Speak to friends &
acquaintances, do the legwork and visit some in the day and find one your
comfortable with. I've seen quite a few people give up on nursery because the
first one they tried didn't fit, don't let an implementation put you off the
whole concept.

Working from home is hard with kids, I do it 2 days a week and I find it
challenging to concentrate even though I'm not looking after them (headphones
are your friend!) May be worth talking to your present employer and seeing if
you can reduce your hours or become more flexible, say go down to 3 days a
week with 1 work from home. In that situation your probably not going to make
that day up while your kid is awake, but spreading a couple of hours a day in
the evening or while your partner plays mom across the remaining days is
doable.

Your kids most pressing need is some happy supportive parents (or parent) so
don't beat yourself up about your decisions if your kids are smiling and
happy. Parenting is a minefield these days, mostly because the natural parent
emotions (panic, worry, paranoia) have been turned into multi-billion dollar
industries. Trust your judgement and remember, it gets easier(ish) when
they're a bit older ;)

~~~
Jem
We did the legwork before we chose the nursery - dismissed several other
options (including childminders) picking the one we liked the most.

The problem is, my judgement is telling me to get her out. Hence the post!

~~~
dkubb
IMHO if you have even the smallest doubt I would remove the child from the
daycare and either move them to another, or bring them home.

With my first son we ignored some of the doubt, thinking we were being
overprotective first-time parents. Once we made the decision to move him to a
new daycare, the changes in my son were immediate. He was socializing with
kids, and learning much more rapidly than before, and in general much of the
behavioural problems we were having disappeared.

------
ryanmarsh
My wife and I highly recommend a nanny, even a part-time one. You can find
them cheaper than you would expect. We were in a similar position as you, only
we both ran businesses out of the home. Our solution, we hired a nanny who
lived with us except on weekends. With a nanny your children are cared for in
your own home, a safe place. You can also insure that they are cared for by
your standards, and you can take a break to play with them whenever you want.
You don't have to get a full time live in nanny, plenty of them will work 8-5.

Your best luck will be with high school graduates who are not immediately
headed to college, and are the type that look forward to settling down to have
a family of their own. Our nanny was a very sweet girl who had no means to
attend college and I would guess wasn't a strong learner but she was clean
cut, quiet, had a heart of gold and loved our daughters and cared for them so
well. It worked out perfectly.

------
cmars
work at home dad here. I get most of my work done at home when kid is at
school, I'm pretty laid back and don't even need an office, just sprawl out on
a couch with laptop & I'm good. I mix it up and go to a coffee shop if wife is
home, or send the kid outside to play if I need to focus.

its a really great situation for me. I love picking up my son from school,
helping him with homework as I wrap up.

you'll need some kind of child care for an 18mo though. at least something
part-time like 'mother's day out' programs. on those days when school is out
and my wife has to work, it can be a strain on both of us.

I love it, and don't miss the stressful commute or the office at all. its
amazing how relaxed i am, and mentally 'here' for my family now. being able to
work from home is probably the biggest reason I'm sticking with my bigco
employer until they get tired of me :) if/when they do, I'll move if I can't
get another remote gig.

------
scdc
I'm a dad with a 5yr and 10mo old. There is no way you can care for a child
and get more than 1-2 hours work done at a time. Tough to get in the zone/flow
for sure.

We do a nanny-share. Another family brings their daughter over, and we have a
nanny come from 8-5. Sometimes we switch and use the other family's house, but
not often. It's about the same cost as day care for this arrangement, maybe a
little more. My wife works full-time out of the home.

I like that I can see the kids during the day sometimes and generally keep an
ear on things. Also nice that I'm here in case nanny is sick and has to go
home for the day. My house has a separate room for a home office, which helps
a lot.

EDIT: to clarify, I work full-time from a home office.

------
chrislomax
Although I agree largely what is being said here, I must add something in that
is unrelated to work and looking after children at the same time. My little
boy excelled when he was in the company of other children, socially. I found
that when he was on 1 to 1 with my parents, he didn't know how to play with
other children. I also find this true of people who stop at home and look
after their children.

I also find they become quite needy as you are the only one they have
interaction with. Sorry if this is off-topic from your true question.

We've never had a problem with child care, mainly because we send them to
people we trust.

~~~
Jem
We seem to be having the opposite problem at the minute. The longer my
daughter spends with other children / not having 1 on 1 time, the more
withdrawn she gets.

We went away for a long weekend recently and the change was amazing. I'd not
seen her that happy in a long time.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

~~~
chrislomax
Children are a mystery, wouldn't suit them to be all the same though I guess.

Good luck in whichever path you choose to take, I don't think people who don't
have children understand how difficult it really is juggling work and children

------
matwood
A woman on my team works at home with her 2 very young kids. She has a sitter
come in every morning and stay most of the day. I think this is the only way
to make it work if you have a job that requires any sort of time commitments.

The upsides end up being the same as most work at home jobs. You save time not
commuting and you can see your kids at lunch. She's also there if an emergency
arises.

Another friend of mine works at home and she does something similar. It's
funny to hear hear 5 year olds say that they can't bother mommy when she's in
her office because that means she's working.

------
dhyasama
I have 2.5 year old and work from home part of the time. My girlfriend is home
with her in the morning. I go to the office in the morning then come home at
lunch for the handoff and then my girlfriend goes to work. We play for a bit
then she goes down for a three hour nap and I do more work. On the rare
occasion she doesn't sleep then I just hang with her and do the work at night.
If I have a hard deadline then I resort to DVDs (they are a lifesaver) but try
to avoid it.

------
joelhooks
I work at home. We have 4 kids from 4 to 13. My office is the dining room, so
it is central. To add extra excitement we also home educate.

Our kids have never been in a daycare or a school. I'm not a fan of either.
That equated to many years of financial "hardship" and being down one income
even when the other income was relatively small. We've since been able to
"bootstrap" our ability to work and earn and having both of us at home is
really a great experience overall.

I wouldn't trade it.

------
ed209
I work from home and have a 6 month old daughter. My wife looks after her full
time though. I had to convert our garage so that I could lock myself away and
actually do some work.

If you're planning on working and looking after your child it won't happen.
The only way it works for me is that my wife is there to support the family.

However, if you can move back home then it's amazing to get 20 minute breaks
and pop in to see your child. Breaks up the day nicely :)

------
jmoses
Indeed, as others have posted, I don't see this as realistic. I'm a non-
female, but I work from home. My wife doesn't work (at a paying job, at last)
and stays home to take care of our 8 month old. Even now, her free time is
best measured in minutes, rather than hours. I can't imagine that she's going
to have more free time for a long while, which she says is certainly the case
(my first, her 3rd).

------
lxt
This is exactly my situation. I work remotely as an Engineering Manager. I
have a 19 month old daughter. I have a nanny that comes in from 9-530. If I
need to work longer than that, I typically do so after our daughter is asleep.
I've been doing this since I went back to work when she was 12 weeks old: at
that time I also took breaks through the day to breastfeed.

Good luck. It's the best arrangement ever.

------
hartror
VERY interested in this as something I would like to do in some form or other.
I don't have kids yet and am working on disconnecting my income from the hours
I work with passive income (the dream right?). At the very least I would like
to work from home so I can be there for my child and partner immediately if
required.

------
Jem
Just wanted to thank everyone who took the time to respond - the response has
been amazing, way beyond what I expected. I love the different perspectives.

It's given me a lot to think about, perhaps confused me a little more.. but at
least opened my eyes too. So again, thank you.

------
mixmastamyk
Yes, and yelling "I'M WORKING!" once an hour sounds about right.

------
ahmedaly
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Good luck for you, and if you need any help, don't hesitate to ask. Ahmed.

