

Ask HN: How do you decide what to do in your working life? - confusedanon

In my twenties I happily worked as a software engineer&#x2F;coder, enjoying the technical challenges presented to me in my daily working life, and carrying on my personal life without any significant worries. However in my thirties I&#x27;ve become increasingly anxious about what I&#x27;m achieving, which I think has got to the point of affecting everything through a lack of self-esteem. I&#x27;ve seen some helpful responses to personal topics on HN, so thought I might present my own little crisis of confidence.<p>On the one hand, I have become cynical about busting a gut working for someone else while they reap far greater rewards. On the other, I just can&#x27;t decide on what else to do instead. I get home and just want to learn a new software language, or write some code for one hobby interest or another - but then curse myself for &#x27;wasting&#x27; time - not really solving my issue.<p>Possibly the only solution is to start my own company - be that one-man or otherwise. And then the decision is whether it&#x27;s a product or service. But I immediately then doubt I have that entrepreneurial spirit, making me feel even more trapped. The other thought I have is going into some kind of academic career, which I think my suit my nature, were it not for my worry about low remuneration.<p>Another thing I&#x27;ve become cynical about is what I perceive as very low &#x27;respect&#x27; for what I (or software engineers generally) do in life compared to others in the world. It&#x27;s as if I&#x27;m just a faceless expendable resource, and the people that are actually valuable are the people directing things. It seems as though even the lowest level manager, in the lowest level job, has more value simply because they, well, &#x27;manage&#x27;. However, I&#x27;m not sure if that&#x27;s a symptom or a cause of how I&#x27;m feeling right now.<p>How do you decide what to do in your working life? Does anyone here have a similar experience that they rectified?
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a3n
> It's as if I'm just a faceless expendable resource,

That's exactly what you (we) are. You're mostly a pluggable software
engineering module. You're relatively rare, which is why you're paid more than
most people, but within the group of all of us we are mostly fungible; when
you quit, you'll be replaced, and the business will go on.

When you quit, you'll be replaced.

It sounds like you like what you do. Lucky you. Really.

Save and invest relentlessly, so that you can get to the point where you can
work on what you want, whether you're paid well, poorly or at all. Make your
financial security your primary work goal.

To keep yourself interested, find jobs where you really like the people.
Although you'll be replaced when you leave, you might as well enjoy the
company while you're there.

To keep yourself interested, change things up every few years, working in new
languages, or new industries (we're really lucky here), new states, new
countries, etc. Find ways to change things that fit your circumstances.

Unless God reaches down and touches your heart, you are not going to change
the world, or "change the way we do X." So just enjoy your job (it's a really,
really good job), focus on making yourself secure, and enjoy life.

And go outside a lot.

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sunir
My strategy is to have "fuck you" money. Not millions, more like one year
salary, and not that I ever say fuck you, but enough that my financial risk of
leaving a job is zero. I don't leave very often but the lack of anxiety
emboldens me to push my employer to do what I think is best for thecompany
without fear of reprisal. Turns out, that is what people want usually.

Sometimes, not... We may not be aligned. I may not want to do that work any
more. Then I politely consider alternatives. But I can take that risk because
of the safety cushion.

It is not the "fuck you" you need... It is the "I am fucked" you need to
defend against.

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RollAHardSix
My position is simple. I have a daughter to take care of, that means even
though I love mixed martial arts more, I can't just resign myself to taking a
lower salary to live out my passion. I want her to have a good life, so monday
through friday, eight to five, I show up at the office. And you know what?
It's not THAT bad.

Sure, I wish I had the time to myself, and I wish I wasn't sitting all the
time; but really, I get paid decently, and enjoy the stimulating nature of my
work. I'm able to know that even as a single parent I'll be able to take care
of my daughter, I know that she'll have money to go to college with (something
I never had until after my military stint), I know that we can take vacations
and see rock concerts, I know that when I go out on dates or out with friends
and people ask me what I do, I can tell them, I'm a software developer. Yes
it's a bit of an ego thing, but it's also part of who I am, I write software
for a living, its not all I do while I live, but it is something I do.

I also know that by working I'm able to pursue financial independence so once
little girl is all grown up, I can look at stepping back from work and move
into training / coaching fighters more.

You need to absolve yourself of your ego, that's why you care about the
respect you receive, you assume that software engineers are given low amounts
of respect because you don't feel lauded for your accomplishments but in
truth, being a software developer is quite respectable. It may be only as
respectable as your circle of friends and acquaintances, but that only means
that you aren't 'above' them, and that's not a bad thing, it's just something
you have to accept.

And yes, you are faceless. You want to fix that? Make a name for yourself.
Write, do seminars, make yourself invaluable to the company; yes, it means
work "harder". Work so hard you cry tears in the middle of the night, give up
yourself to pursue some level of perceived respectability that's only going to
get you into another group of peers that you won't be any higher socially
than. You can give yourself up to pursue your dreams, and sometimes that is a
good thing, sometimes that's a thing you need to do (I was SO close to giving
up on getting a software job when I landed my first one, it felt hopeless but
I was pouring every OUNCE of my soul into getting a position), but you have to
also respect that by being 'faceless' you have other benefits, you have a
life, you enjoy life, you don't have to assume the risk of starting your own
business, or branching yourself out as an independent consultant, as well as
you are more often then not, able to turn work off at the end of the day. As
professionals, we take work home every now and then, if you want to work
harder, you have to do it more and more and more, which means that quite
simply, you have less and less and less time for you. It's a tradeoff, a
decision, a bargain and it's also an extremely independent decision to you.
What do you want now, What do you want in the future, How hard are you willing
to work to achieve it, How accepting of risk or failure or giving up
opportunities for other opportunities are you willing to be. You have one life
though, so don't look back, keep pushing, evaluate, re-evaluate, decide, act
and most of all, to quote Nick Diaz, "don't be scared, homie".

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jacquesm
I try as much as I can to enjoy the journey and to stop myself whenever I
start to muse on 'goals'. There is so much to choose from that it's almost
impossible not to end up in a position of regret if you feel that you have to
make the right choices.

Managing is nothing to be jealous of, it's mostly a dead end if you're
creative. If your nature is better suited to academia and research then go do
it, even if that means less money, happiness can't really be bought.

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mtshadow
Are you a contractor or a permanent member of staff? Have you considered doing
the alternative as a change? Have you been given the opportunity to lead
others technically and or mentor?

Would using your experience and doing technical leadership (not management)
interest you? I quite like Team Geek: A Software Developer's Guide to Working
Well with Others by Brian W. Fitzpatrick and Ben Collins-Sussman as an gentle
intro.

Do you have a path for your career development? Are you doing what you know
because it is easy? And finally, when was the last time you took a
break/holiday and looked after you (...busting a gut, get home and do more of
the same)?

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logn
I know exactly how you feel. I also felt upset trying to fulfill requirements
of someone else when I felt that I could be steering the ship instead. I found
solace in two different paths: (1) consulting: I find it more enjoyable to
help people with their projects on a temporary basis and enjoy the interaction
with clients (compared to the long death marches to help someone else make it
big) and (2) my own startup which is so challenging that it always keeps me
excited.

But also, I look back fondly and with some regret at my first job out of
college at a mega software corp that paid me well, treated me fairly, and
demanded not too much in return. If I could do it all over again, I think I
should have stayed there for many more years than I did.

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lgieron
Why do you actually care about "what you are achieving"? It seems like
programming is your passion, which is an incredible luck in itself (most
people don't have a passion, and many wish they had) - you should cherish it
imo. Also, with time, you can become super-badass dev that will get recognized
in the community, and maybe even start something of your own (like an
opensource project that is widely used).

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_random_
"some kind of academic career" \- AFAIK it is very competitive.

"and the people that are actually valuable are the people directing things" \-
how many jobs did you change? People and teams can differ a lot in different
places. Some managers are not just talking well at meetings, but take
responsibility etc.

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pjbrunet
I recommend looking into Brian Tracy. Any bookstore should have his latest
books.

