
Ask HN: Why does thinking about moving homes give me a panic attack? - thatwebdude
I <i>should</i> be excited to think about the prospect of moving to a larger home, in a better neighborhood for my kids (read: more kids around), with more space. But every time my wife brings it up (and she&#x27;s very persistent on it) I start to freak out inside. it just seems like so much to do.<p>I&#x27;ll do my best to convince her that where we are now is good enough, but it&#x27;s obvious that this is something she really believes in. And it&#x27;s becoming more obvious that there&#x27;s just not enough room.<p>I think that growing up in a small house in an old neighborhood makes me feel like this is a &quot;keeping up with the Jones&#x27;&quot; sort of moment. But in reality, we&#x27;re outgrowing our neighborhood, size-wise and financially.<p>Homes in the midwest are affordable and huge. Neighborhoods grow like warts around here. I suppose I just need more convincing?
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Mz
I was a wife and homemaker for a lot of years, so some thoughts:

I was married about 16 years before it finally sank in with my husband that
when he dropped his dirty clothes on the floor instead of putting them in the
hamper, it left me in the position that I could either pick up after him or
just be in a messy space all day. So, it was a lose-lose situation for me. I
was home a lot more than him and this was where my work was done. It would be
kind of like if I went to his place of employment and dumped dirty clothes on
his desk.

Whether your wife has a job or not, the odds are good that she is doing more
of the house work and child rearing than you are. That doesn't necessarily
mean you need a bigger house, but it does mean that if she is not happy with
the house, it is not a good idea to be all "meh -- not like she will divorce
me over this."

Men typically have very different priorities than women and the work you have
been doing on the house may in no way meet her needs. It may be possible to
make this house work for all involved parties, but you likely have blind spots
as to what she needs. A good kitchen and laundry area can make the women's
work vastly less burdensome. If your entertainment area is awesome, but her
work spaces are terrible, this may be a case that it bothers you less than her
because you have completely different experiences of the same house.

Since this issue persists, it really would not be a bad idea to get some
professional mediation rather than asking HN.

~~~
J-dawg
> _if she is not happy with the house, it is not a good idea to be all "meh --
> not like she will divorce me over this."_

Implying that you think living in a too-small house actually _is_ grounds for
divorce?

~~~
Mz
Implying that fundamental lack of respect for her as a human being whose
opinions are equally important as her husband's in determining their lifestyle
is grounds for divorce as it tends to cause all kinds of very serious
problems.

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dazc
"it just seems like so much to do."

All big events fall into this category but they can usually be broken into
small stages that are a lot easier to visualise and accomplish.

Sometimes, just getting on with it is all that's needed; you can over think
stuff.

Sure, this is all typical 'self help' mumbo-jumbo but there is something in
it.

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hijinks
We are moving soon and just sold our house.. My wife is a stay at home mom so
if yours is also, this might help you?

I thought our house was just fine. It's a 4 bedroom for a family of 4 and has
3 baths. I'm only there for long periods of time to dinner/gets kids into bed
and sleep other then the weekends. My wife is there almost all the time. We
got the house as a starter home and she wants stuff in it that just isn't
there.

Just think of it like your desk at work, If you just have a small monitor you
might be upset that you don't have a larger monitor with better resolution
that can make you more efficient. That's sort of how my wife sees our current
house. It works but it isn't everything she wants.

I just have to remember, she is the one in it most of the time and taking care
of it.

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ninjaofawesome
Living in a tiny apartment with my partner in New York, I love it. The way we
see it, we have less stuff to own, clean, (if it didn't come included) heat,
etc- and it works out just fine. I personally think that having more stuff and
space doesn't make me happier, having better life experiences (good friends,
travel, walkable neighborhoods) does. Also, I also value community involvement
very much, which makes anywhere I live way more interesting and engaging.

However, I can relate to the wildly opposing viewpoint perspective between you
and your SO, so perhaps a mediator may be in order- an impartial friend, a
therapist, whomever you trust and isn't biased. Neither side needs convincing,
but perhaps both sides may need a happy medium. Perhaps a new house may be in
order regardless, or maybe just reorganization or expansion on your current
place. But the way you describe it now, it sounds like nobody will end up
really happy with the outcome.

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RUG3Y
I'm in the process of selling my house and moving to a new city right now. I'm
actually in my new town while my family stays behind to take care of the
house. I'm having a panic attack today. Good luck - there are many things
about moving that are stressful.

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danielvf
Buying a house can be stressful - really stresful. And once you are finally
sure you've found the right one, it can go back and forth for weeks of
uncertainty if you'll actually get it.

And moving is indeed a heck of a hassle.

And having a small house that's well within your means makes everything
financial in your life much easier.

So, there's obviously some truth to your feelings.

That said, the pain of moving can go to almost zero if you pay good
professionals to do it. They can just move everything, and when you walk into
your new house, and open your sock drawer, your socks are already there.

On the house buying process, I would just expect it to be terrible, and it
probably will, but it's only temporary pain. The new place feels like home
really fast.

As for the budget - can't help you there.

------
byoung2
Just reading this post got me stressed out thinking about what I would do if I
had to move. We were lucky to get our current house in Los Angeles. We bought
in 2012 when prices and interest rates were low ($415k and 3.5% for a 30y
fixed in our case). Now houses in our neighborhood are going for $800k or
more, so while we could sell easily, anywhere we would move would be even
more. We put a lot of work into this house with a kitchen, bath, and sunroom
remodel, artificial grass, a new covered patio, and solar panels, and I would
hate to have to go through all that construction again so soon. Plus, this is
the only house my 4 year old daughter has ever known, and I wouldn't want to
give that up.

~~~
thatwebdude
Also, congrats on being in the right place at the right time with that boom. I
sincerely hope that works out for you in the event you ever do need to move
(way, way, way into the future).

Growth here is significantly more tame.

~~~
byoung2
I used to drive through this neighborhood in college and imagine I would live
here someday when I was rich. The real estate crash made it possible, as $800k
houses came down to the low $400k range. Now they're back to their old level.
We only looked for houses because our daughter was on the way at that
time...we have her to thank!

~~~
thatwebdude
Kids can really align your priorities quite well, and quite quickly. So glad
it worked out!

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smt88
I think this is a personal issue that will improve through discussion with
your wife and a counselor or therapist. I doubt that it'll improve much
through discussion on HN.

~~~
thatwebdude
I've had this conversation with my wife many times. She's aware of my
arguments, and I'm aware of hers. I don't necessarily think it needs any
mediation, though. That, to me, would signal that it's much more of a life
intrusion than it is. I mean, I'm not going to lose her over it.

This is more of a "does anyone else get this way?" because I'm having a hard
time relating with the real world in this issue.

~~~
smt88
Sorry, I wasn't trying to imply that your marriage needs mediation. I meant to
suggest that you seek professional guidance if your feelings about the issue
are causing you distress. HN isn't really intended to be a venue for this kind
of discussion, nor does it seem to be a good one (in my experience).

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bbcbasic
You may not be wrong.

It costs a lot to move. Not sure about US but here we have stamp duty. For me
it's a year's salary. Another half years salary for agent fees. A month's
salary for removalist costs. The only way to make it feasible financially is
to do a reno project but that's more stress.

Selling stuff and being creative with space may solve issues. Living with
"lower class" people isn't necessary a bad thing it may be good to prevent
living in a bubble.

Yeah moving is stressful. If you do go ahead I wonder if there are services to
manage everything for you. If you have the money maybe get the new place
furnished ahead of the move.

~~~
thatwebdude
> Living with "lower class" people isn't necessary a bad thing it may be good
> to prevent living in a bubble.

Those are my thoughts exactly. I see moving away and letting someone else
"deal with problems" is a great way to devalue a neighborhood. It seems more
and more people are buying new instead of fixing up the old.

I intend on paying movers to do as much as I can afford.

