

Ask: Has programming disrupted your companion relationship?  - deadfall

I have been filling my programming toolbox with new technologies whilst building stuff for other people. Recently, I believe my relationship with my significant other has become a little rocky because of the time I&#x27;ve spent developing side projects outside my full time job. An example, this previous weekend I was working toward a deadline that was set for the beginning of this week, and had worked Saturday and Sunday (last night until 4 am). I am very dedicated in improving my programming skills&#x2F;building my career and my significant other says they understand, but I don’t believe they do. Maybe I am bad at time management between work&#x2F;life? Has anyone else dealt or is dealing with this type of situation and have recommendations?
======
copter
I used to experience the exact same problem (full-time job on weekdays,
contribution to side/open-source projects in the evenings and at the weekends
= no time for SO) until I figured out a solution.

Follow these 3 steps and you will probably be fine:

\- Be responsive to your SO while programming. Whenever she asks something or
comes up with a topic to discuss, do not give short answers - instead give a
short break, hibernate the universe that you are in while coding for a while
and talk to her. When you feel that she got satisfied with your
speech/action/response and got what she wants, get back to work again.

\- Choose one of the days at the weekend and do not code that day. You can
still think about the problem you were struggling with the other day or the
next feature you would like to implement and take little notes about them. But
do not code. This will boost your productivity too.

\- Divide your time for coding into reasonable time frames (e.g. 1 hour) that
you believe you will be productive. And give at least 15-20 mins break between
each time frame. The key point is that go and talk to your SO during these
breaks and do not ever think about the last problem you were struggling with.
Really, with all your mind, be with her.

I believe that the root of the problem is a coding zombie that just eats, goes
to toilet and codes all the time.

------
jason_slack
Well, in my first marriage I worked as a programmer and had a side project and
several failed business attempts. This ended the marriage in part. The other
part was we married at 18 before either of us knew about the "real world".

My current SO and I have been together/married since 2007. She understands how
much of a geek I am. She understands sometimes I have to think about every
outcome. She encourages me to get up and work if I am "restless in bed".

I am currently writing a video game for IOS and Wii U and spending a lot of
time doing it. We call them "admin weekends". We both sit at the kitchen table
and work on our goals. Mine is the game. Hers is a Wordpress blog and vegan
cooking. We take breaks together. Dinner, maybe a movie and then back to it. I
also involve her in my game. Ask her to play it. Tell me how it feels. Ask her
opinion about features, UI, etc.

This is all well and good, but.....

If she asks for my time in anyway, I give it to her. She sees I am devoted to
her needs and in return, she doesn't ask me all day for things. If she says "I
need to go out to dinner". I am dressed, keys and debit card in had.

------
brudgers
[disclaimer: started dating my SO in 1986]

I'd like to say all adult relationships are a little rocky from time to time,
but I'll limit myself to saying that I am not surprised when anyone's is.

Sometimes long work hours are the cause of problems. Other times problems are
the cause of long work hours. And sometimes long work hours are just the
result of being busy and the relationship is smooth.

What matters is that I try to stop and remember that my SO is significant and
let them know that I have remembered that they are significant. The hard part
is that doing that when I am pulling the all nighter and pissed off that my SO
is pissed off about it and in my opinion shouldn't be. In other words, I have
to stop and decide what is really important even when I don't want to.

The good news is that if you stick around long enough, over time it all evens
out.

Good luck.

------
speg
Make a set schedule. Then they know when you will be working and you know when
you should be with them. Balance is key. You might have to get up early or go
to bed late if you want to put in extra hours.

~~~
deadfall
I agree setting a schedule could sometimes work, but then there are many times
that tasks take much longer to accomplish especially when learning and or
debugging. As far as sleep goes, based on the hours I have found that make me
feel top shape I am currently cutting the line pretty thin.

------
malandrew
No. But my companion relationship has disrupted my programming.

