

What we're *really* afraid of - amirkhella
http://blog.amirkhella.com/2011/12/28/what-were-really-afraid-of/

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moocow01
One way I think to mitigate this mind game of fear of failure/rejection is
work on what you're "passionate" about. The word "passionate" is abused a lot
but in this context I mean work on something you know you want to work on and
genuinely enjoy doing. As a result hopefully you won't give a flying F about
what others think or whether you've achieved some artificial benchmark of
success. Consequently, the lack of self doubt that passion affords you will
likely give you a greater chance of achieving great things as a side-effect
but again thats not the goal.

Its the living up to rubrics, expectations, and some mold that really can put
a damper on life and make you susceptible to these mind games. If your doing
it, give yourself a break and recenter - life is too short.

~~~
keeptrying
I dont think being passionate about something helps in this context. You could
be passionate about something but as soon as people eyes on your product,
you'll still go back into fear-of-rejection mode.

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juanre
It might be far-fetched in this context, but I find that meditation helps with
this kind of tricks of the mind. Spend some time a day trying not to be lost
in idle considerations about yourself, success and failure, and you end up
having a feel of the difference between reality and your mind's works.

Humor and detachment also help, as they make much easier to have actual
friends. And, after all, if you are around forty and not hungry you are a huge
success by the standards of the specie.

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skore
I have found that being afraid of failure or rejection can both be only a
symptom of something else - fear of success.

Striving for any type of accomplishment may carry the dread of not getting
there or being laughed at _for_ getting there. It also, however, carries the
dread of not being up to the challenges that follow said success. We are
comfortable doing things that we are prepared for and accustomed to, but not
so much being out in the open and certainly not investing a lot of energy into
being out in the open.

Put differently, I think that we often are afraid of failing our challenges;
But actual anxiety, the one that sits below the surface and sabotages you
against your will, often stems from the dread of failing future challenges. A
known and anticipated failure now is less painful than an unknown, but
certainly bigger failure in the future.

~~~
theorique
I'd like to unpack that concept of "fear of success".

No one is likely to fear the commonly visualized trappings of success - money
and material wealth, adoring fans, love pouring in from everywhere.

If people fear some aspects of success, they are likely to be things
associated with visibility. Like the responsibility to keep executing and
following up, the scrutiny, the potential for being a one hit wonder, the
detractors and "haters".

But generally, "fear of failure" can be explained simply by ... fear of
failure.

~~~
skore
Then let me rephrase it as "fear of the merely postponed, but now possibly
more destructive failure".

I think calling it "fear of success" is valuable because it helps shift your
viewpoint on it - instead of fearing defeat, it opens up what you should
actually care about - what happens after you either win or lose the thing you
are anxious about.

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crcsmnky
Failed ideas or products do not make you a failed entrepreneur.

If you look back on every failure and can honestly say (a) I didn't repeat the
mistakes of the last effort and (b) I am learning what to do for next time,
then you are probably on the right track. Though this is the naive, altruistic
view of things. But sometimes people need to be reminded.

The problem arises when people aren't being just absolutely brutally honest
with themselves. It's not just execution that needs to be fixed, sometimes
it's the people or it maybe the market doesn't truly exist.

~~~
amirkhella
The challenge is that we live in a culture that defines us by what we do and
have. I get asked about what I do a few times a day. I spent a couple of weeks
in Paris last Fall, and not once did anyone ask me that question. It's
actually impolite to ask such question in France :)

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mluiten
Fears are a strange bunch. I have only recently really become aware of my own
fears, and now that I see them for what they are (most of the time). Even
being aware of your fears seems to be quite rare. Let alone be commited to
facing them instead of making up alibis and creating their own state of limbo.

Recently, I have starting 'fighting' my fears by noticing them in the first
place ("Why dont I call X/do Y/commit to Z"), then by asking myself: "Why am I
fearing X?". Most of the times it is some irrational thought about rejection,
failure, lack of money, even success ("If I do it, I'm commited and dont have
time for all the other things I'm afraid to do"). It's all bullcrap. 9 out of
10 times, when you do the thing you fear, it does not pan out the way you
imagined, and the other time it teaches you something invaluable. I'm starting
to think that by framing every thought you have in the most positive way and
by closing your mind from negative influences from others AND YOURSELF, you
can conquer any fear. I think this is closely related to the authors point:
your self-worth should have nothing to do with what other people think of you
and/or how your enterprises turn out. You and you alone control your
mind/thoughts, and therefor your happiness. If you fearlessly and with
'passion' do the things that you think are right, make and learn from
mistakes, truly believe in and commit to your goal, then congratulate
yourself. You're already doing more than almost all of the people I know.

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bodegajed
A great product will bring confidence. I will not spend much on marketing with
a bad product. Especially if it looks shitty then I'll be really afraid
because customers will always judge the book by its cover.

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billpatrianakos
He makes a really good point and a bad one. I know that I for one am
definitely more afraid of rejection than failure. Whenever I comment around
here I usually take great care not to reveal what I do for a living. I don't
make it hard for people to find out but I usually don't admit what my business
is and most of my side projects too. I'm in the suburbs of Chicago and out
here I'm a big fish in a little pond. There's not too much rejection around
here. People are easier to impress. Once I get out of that comfort zone and
into the wider world I become a much smaller fish in a much bigger pond and I
fear rejection _a lot_ in such waters. It's funny that I'm fearless about
failure but am far more fearful of being laughed at or considered some sort of
amateur. So the fear of rejection part I ink he's right on about.

Now I don't agree that you should distance yourself from what you do. I think
it's vital that you become your business. I think it's one way to ensure
success. Distancing yourself from your business seems, well cowardly to me.
Maybe cowardly ismt the right word but I don't feel that's right.

~~~
ktrgardiner
Perhaps the word you're looking for is half-hearted? That's how I felt as well
after reading this. I was nodding along in agreement until I reached the end.
I live and breath what I do and love every minute of it. And my level of
devotion doesn't make me fear failure nor link myself to it. Failure is a
moment. You've only failed when you've stopped trying. Until then, you're just
continuing on the winding road to success and experiencing every stop along
the way.

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joshu
Velociraptors?

~~~
lupatus
I was thinking zombies. But, velociraptors are probably scarier. ... Maybe
zombie velociraptors for the scariest? ... Also, what happens if a zombie
bites a vampire?

~~~
lupatus
So, sci-fi/horror/dinosaur themed jokes are no longer appropriate for HN?

