

Being Crazy Is Noisy - thamer
http://www.moreintelligentlife.com/story/being-crazy-noisy

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mr_bill
Sock puppet account here to protect privacy...

I often wonder how relevant someone's upbringing is in stories like this. I've
been depressed and "heard" suicidal and self-hateful thoughts pretty much
every day since I was 9 or 10. But I was raised in a small town in the Midwest
by parents who would tell me (with the best of intentions) to "suck it up" and
"get over it" when I was in a particularly deep or prolonged funk. I pretty
much cried every day in 4th grade anytime I was alone due to being overwhelmed
by how much I hated myself. Anytime something would happen, I'd think "you
should kill yourself."

It never occurred to me that I might have a condition or that I was hearing
voices. And perhaps I'm not, in the same way that this person is. I have no
idea. All I knew was that I felt sad all the time, and others didn't seem to
feel the same way. My only conclusion was that I had some weakness or flaw
that other kids didn't have.

I subconsciously found coping mechanisms. First it was superhero comics and
video games. Playing sports seemed to help a good bit, too, though I despised
the monotony of it. Eventually, I found online porn, and that became my
treatment of choice anytime I felt a funk coming on. This caused a good bit of
guilt, though and has made dating difficult.

I went out east for college and was suddenly in a community where people like
me were "diagnosed" and put on medication. I was surrounded by east-coasters
on meds. There was a clinical solution for "being bummed out all the time."
I'd never considered that I might have a mental illness that could be treated
pharmacologically.

I thought about seeing a professional about my situation, but the downsides
seemed and still seem pretty immense. Once you're officially diagnosed, your
life changes forever. If I was diagnosed as clinically depressed or something
more serious like the conditions the original author claims to have, wouldn't
I be labeled a crazy person for life? And what if they recommended extensive,
unpleasant treatments that would interrupt or seriously hamper my career or
personal life? If I test positive for some serious mental illness, would the
doctor be obligated to inform the state? My employer? My family?

And once you test positive, doesn't that become your identity? You are a crazy
person, and your life revolves around that.

So when I read stories like this, my heart goes out to the person, but I also
wonder how much of their situation was caused by environmental factors,
specifically coming from a culture of clinical diagnosis and pharmacology. Had
I been raised by different people in a different environment, I'd be taking
lots of drugs and probably would have a few hospital stays under my belt. I
would probably see myself as a crazy person and have a hard time getting work
and supporting myself.

Instead, I'm an extremely high-functioning porn and work addict who suspects
he has serious mental infirmities. I could deal with them, but it would
require the full focus of my time and energies for years to do, and who knows
how it'd turn out?

Not sure that's better.

~~~
asdlfj2sd33
I've never considered myself crazy, but I do have a very, very dark view of
life. Feeling happy happens very rarely, never last more then a few hours at
best, and just plain feels weird, wrong almost.

A recent medical problem however pushed me over the edge. I want crazy for a
few weeks.

It was a terrifying experience. While I never heard other voices, I did hear a
constant chorus of ideas very clear and very specific and boy did they ever
make my usual dark view of life look positively joyous.

Added to that was a constant feeling of crippling fear, basically a continuous
panic attack and insomnia.

That constant chorus of dark ideas was about every negative thing you can
think of. It was in a way awe inspiring to see the sheer power of intellect,
recollection and imagination my brain had to stitch together these incredibly
creative and specific and deeply disturbing thoughts, at the rate of ~ 100 per
second.

Functioning became almost impossible, and had it gone on for much longer I
truly would have lost it. I was afraid to cross the street and come right
back, that was a cripplingly terrifying task.

I was somehow able to keep showing up at work and could for very brief periods
of time almost, just almost drown out the chorus by concentrating on
programming.

Well I recovered from the medical problems and the craziness passed and I
could sleep again and boy was I relieved, but happiness is still not something
for me.

Except that now I make a conscious effort to be a more positive person.

It's not like a hippie sunshine and rainbows thing, I know there is a very
powerful and very stubborn and very dark part of my subconscious. But I am not
going to let that part of me run things. I make real everyday efforts to be
less dark and cynical. And I expect to keep up that fight for as long as I
live.

There was an article here about how positive affirmations can actually have
negative effects for people with low self esteem. That rings very true for me.
But I will not be dissuaded from trying to change. My superego is just as
stubborn as my id, damn it.

The human brain is very flexible and how you view yourself and what you do can
and will strongly influence who you are.

Just like long hours of sitting will mess up your lower back, if you just let
your negative tendencies flow unchecked in the long term that will fuck up
your personality.

Don't do that, make a conscious effort to better yourself. Even if you're a
darkly cynical bastard like and me.

~~~
mr_bill
I hear ya, loud and clear. Was it a medication that led to the bad patch? I've
never had the street problem but definitely had a fear of being seen in public
that led to lots of alone time.

Your point about trying to be positive strikes a chord also. Folks who know me
just a bit or only professionally consider me a relentlessly cheerful,
encouraging person. I've always got something great and positive to say about
a situation, no matter how bleak it is. In part, this is because just about
anything is better than what I feel inside, so I'm able to spot the positive
pretty easily. Also, it's partly an effort to will a certain view of reality
into being. Nothing's great until someone labels it such.

The folks who really, really get to know me tend to get worn out once I let
down the shell and let them see a bit of what's going on inside. In dating
relationships I try to ease the other person into understanding how I get by,
but even so, there comes a point where they "get it" and you see how
disappointed they are. I've found the best approach is to just tell her that I
have dark periods when nothing I say will be useful or productive, so I'm not
going to say much.

------
niyazpk
Highly recommended read, just to remember that people like John are out there.

It is an amazing story. The more I think about it, the more I am amazed at the
variety and magnitude of problems people face in their lives. I don't want to
sound sympathetic. I don't know what to write. I should not have started
writing this.

~~~
michael_dorfman
It is an amazing story-- although I wish the headline was more cognizant of
the near-infinite variety of experience that you mention. "Crazy" isn't always
noisy; sometimes it is quiet...

------
raju
A very insightful comment on the article
[[http://www.moreintelligentlife.com/story/being-crazy-
noisy#c...](http://www.moreintelligentlife.com/story/being-crazy-
noisy#comment-10132)] - And I quote -

"Not only I found the article very interesting, but the thing that struck me
the most was its utter lucidity. How can one be in so much turmoil and yet be
able to write such beautiful as well as clear, concise, and penetrating prose?
The answer is, one can, and maybe the moral of the article is that one should
not ask this question in the first place. Better still, perhaps the 'crazier'
we are, the more lucid we are and that in itself can be the bane of our noisy
lives."

------
tarkin2
I found the part when he said he was not surprised that he was failing art
class interesting--not surprised because he knows he's a failure, knows this
because his voices tell him this.

The rhythm, the constant beat, of his negative voices seem to have rendered
him unable to think rationally, to ask for proof of his assumed--all
encompassing--failure, or to ever act in a positive way, and then to one day
disprove his assumed--all encompassing--failure.

And the latter causes a self-fulfilling prophesy, which builds up more proof
of his failure, and thus gets stronger and stronger.

------
sili
Great article. I have never looked to much into disorders like that and always
thought that hearing voices that tell you to "kill yourself" is more of a
popular myth. I though that one would usually hear just random things. Thank
you for dispelling this for me. The guy also shows what it really means to
overcome difficulties.

HN related, the brain is a very complex "computer" with its own bugs.

~~~
blueben
A number of neurological conditions such as Tourette's, Schizophrenia, and
their friends seem to gravitate towards (and feedback on) inappropriate
commentary and action. It's probably related to malfunctioning
disinhibitionary mechanisms in the brain. The more you don't want to do them
and the more inappropriate you know they are, the more frequently they occur
and the stronger the urges become.

Ever see a disturbing image or hear a highly inappropriate joke or comment and
then try to put it out of your mind, only to find that the harder you try to
ignore it, the harder it becomes to ignore? The experience is similar.

------
geuis
It seems like the story was cut short. It ends with "That would mess things
up" and it seems like this story should go on a lot more.

~~~
jimbokun
I found myself expecting a happy or at least somewhat redeeming ending. There
was none. I suppose that reflects the reality of this man's life.

~~~
TrevorJ
The happy part is in the bio at the bottom where it say he holds a white
collar job at a firm. Wow. When I grumble to myself about my ADHD again I am
going to remember this man and realize what TRUE courage is.

~~~
zandorg
I recently learned that the general view is 'Helping you _back_ to work' for
people with mental health disorders.

But if you haven't already got a career when you become ill, it's virtually
impossible to get a paying job - especially in computing. And that's something
I'm trying to publicise and prevent.

~~~
blueben
I don't believe conditions like this are often sudden so much as a long time
coming. Even folks with young adult onset bipolar disorder often have hints
throughout their lives. That would suggest that it's not necessarily being
afflicted that determines whether you develop a career.

