
The Freedom and Perils of Living Alone - luckystrike
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/23/garden/the-freedom-and-perils-of-living-alone.html?pagewanted=all
======
blahedo
That article both spoke to me and seemed foreign; I've lived alone for all but
two years of the last 20 (since high school), and I do "spread out" in many of
the ways it describes. But, when I do get to temporarily "live with" someone
---when I'm home at my parents' house, when I'm sharing a hotel room at a
conference, when I'm visiting friends for a few days---my experience is
totally opposite the article. I look forward to having the temporary roommate,
I sleep with the door open at my parents', I prefer the living room couch to a
tucked-away guest bedroom at my friends' houses, because I _like_ being aware
of and part of the bustle of everyone living there.

In contrast, my friends who are married or living together treat those
temporary thrown-together situations as maximally distasteful. They want a
separate private room, they disdain sharing rooms at conferences unless they
have to. When I've asked about it, I'm often given a line about how "when
you're older" you want your private time, but many of them aren't that much
older than me (and a few are younger), so that's always rung hollow. I wonder
if it's just that this is _their_ time to have a "Day of Chad"? ;)

~~~
lukev
I'm in the opposite boat. Grew up with lots of siblings, had roommates all
through college, got married young.

Believe me, even a few hours of solitude are things to be _treasured_. I
wouldn't give up the life I have now for anything, but in my "grass is
greener" moments, that's what I wish for the most. Long stretches of time in
which to do my own thing entirely unpreturbed.

------
DenisM
One peril of living alone is that it becomes very easy to indulge in self-
destructive behaviors with no one to check on you.

Eating poorly; sleeping poorly; having too much dust, filth, or random junk
around the house; not going outside; not exercising enough; not getting social
interacting in the minimal needed amount, obsessing over the wrong aspects of
your work.... This sort of things.

Not all of these are problematic for all people, but to the extent some are
problematic for a given person, they tend to form a vicious cycle - people do
bad things to themselves from lack of awareness or temporarily depleted
willpower, and those behaviors in turn cause even less self-awareness and
reduce the willpower reserves further.

For that reason I am contemplating some sort of a software-based aid that
helps one person to periodically check on the other person's daily routine
from a distance to make sure they haven't fallen into this sort of a
"depression trap". I tentatively call it "a brother's keeper" project,
although realistically it's more likely to be the subject's parents or
childhood friends who will bother to check daily on how many minutes he or she
spent outside and how many meals did they have per day, and whether there were
enough nutrients in it. The point would be not to nag the subject daily, but
to catch the moment they are falling off the bus, so to speak, and either
intervene, summon other friends, or get professional help.

~~~
hammock
_One peril of living alone is that it becomes very easy to indulge in self-
destructive behaviors with no one to check on you. Eating poorly; sleeping
poorly; having too much dust, filth, or random junk around the house; not
going outside; not exercising enough; not getting social interacting in the
minimal needed amount, obsessing over the wrong aspects of your work.... This
sort of things._

Although perhaps less likely, these problems can also easily happen, if you
are hanging around the wrong influences.

~~~
philwelch
The only time I've had a sink full of dirty dishes complete with rotting food
and flies is when I was spitefully waiting for my roommate to clean them up
because it was "his turn".

~~~
finnw
You could try going away for 2 weeks.

It won't result in them washing the whole pile, but they will be forced to
wash _something_ and realise that it doesn't hurt _that_ much.

There will still be a pile of dirty plates (plus the boxes from the pizzas
they ordered for the first week, until they ran out of cash) when you get
back, but at least you will see a slight improvement in your roommate's
habits.

~~~
littledude
how about he does all dishes both his and roomates, then figure out other
types of chores they can do to balance it out, like mowing lawns and/or
grocery shopping. better to focus on results and time spent instead of being
right and miserable.

~~~
philwelch
Ultimately, I ended up solving the problem categorically by not having
roommates. The other solution is to dump the dirty dishes in his bed.

------
zheng
It might only be me, but I'm pretty sure I have the best of both worlds. I
live with my wife (no kids), and we're both quirky as hell. When we go out, we
act normal, but at home we do whatever we want. I'm very introverted, but
comfortable enough with her that it really isn't that different from living
alone, as she allows me time when I need it.

It's even better though, because if I lived alone I'm pretty sure I would
never eat or go out. Having her with me means someone looks out for me and
keeps me fed. Plus whenever I just need a break, she is more than happy to let
me lay next to her as she unwinds from her day. I've always been a great
listener because when I need a break I don't want to think, and thus don't
feel my normal need to solve all her problems, another think she really
appreciates.

I guess this turned into a brag session, but I think if you can find someone
to live with who you can totally be yourself with, then that is possibly
preferable to living alone. Plus it means reduced costs, etc. I can certainly
see the appeal of living alone, but it seems strange to me as anything other
than a temporary solution while you find someone to live with, whether that's
a roommate/life partner/spouse.

~~~
philwelch
I lived alone for a very long time after roommates became too much of a
stressor, and it was pretty cool. Nowadays I live with my girlfriend, and it's
quite similar to how you describe it. We end up developing shared quirks or
quirky ways of communicating.

Living with someone has weird effects though. I've forgotten how to get or
prepare only enough food for one person at a time.

~~~
eru
Just freeze the rest.

------
citricsquid
I live alone (for 15 months so far) and love it and will never live with
someone else again (well, until my attitude changes) but one thing I also do
is work from home... I often go up to 7 days without seeing another human
being and when I do it's either a McDonalds server or a pizza delivery guy,
this part is turning me insane.

I have absolute control over my environment, if I don't like a noise or the
heat or a smell I fix it, this isn't the reality most people have so when my
financial/employment situation changes I will have to adjust very rabidly,
with that in mind I've made the decision to move into an environment less
desirable than the one I have now (working from an office) but I think it's
for the best. At least I'll have a 2 bedroom apartment to myself to hide in at
weekends if it is terrible.

Living alone is wonderful and I always find it strange how people can live
with others, I can understand the desire people have for human interaction but
being able to wake up and then go to bed without having seen another person in
the waking period is just so great, true freedom. Maybe it just comes down to
control.

~~~
sliverstorm
_I often go up to 7 days without seeing another human being_

This is why I don't live alone.

~~~
citricsquid
If you don't work from home this isn't a concern, but yes working from home
and living alone and not having friends is a recipe for crazy.

~~~
sliverstorm
Well, even if you don't work from home, it's a good idea to regularly see
people besides your co-workers.

This is, of course, presuming something like a non-customer facing office job.
If you work in retail, live by yourself to your heart's content.

------
jakeonthemove
_"A music manager and record producer who works from his railroad apartment in
Brooklyn, Mr. Sherwood, 40, said he’ll go to bed at 2 a.m. one night, and then
retire later and later by increments, “until I go to bed when the sun comes
up.” "_

Glad it's not just me who does that :-D...

~~~
bch
Been there too... I call it a 26/27 hour clock. On the day that would end with
a sunrise, I'd take it off, but stay up, taking it easy (but tired) and push
through until a "normal" bedtime, sleep like a baby and wake up the next day
with a reset schedule.

~~~
jakeonthemove
I tried that - just end up sleeping more. Somehow, when I reach the point
where I go to sleep at 12pm, it just resets :-).

By the way, this schedule only starts happening when I don't have anything to
do during the day - if I have anything scheduled, I'd stay awake (although
feel quite tired sometimes)...

------
jasonshen
I enjoyed this article. I've lived with other people my whole life and it
seems most young people I know live as roommates even into their 30's (if they
are not cohabitating with an S.O.) I have had "Days of Chad" though and wonder
what it would be like to love totally alone. I personally would just feel less
social and more bored.

~~~
dgallagher
I've lived alone for almost 4 years now. I don't crave companionship and am
perfectly fine with my own thoughts (introvert).

Boredom only sets in if you have nothing interesting to do. My apartment is
sparse; no television, empty walls, no game console (asides from 3DS/iPad), no
way to entertain people who come over outside of whatever I can display on the
computer.

How the hell is that enjoyable? You find the things you like and focus on
that. Personally I like to code, workout, and consume stuff on the net. Coding
takes up 60% of my waking hours, 20% at the gym, and 20% for everything else.
I just really enjoy doing those things. Rarely do I get bored.

I've also lived with siblings when younger, and multiple roommates in college.
There are ups and downs to being alone and being with other's. The nice thing
about being alone is you're responsible for yourself and nobody else. With
roommates, you have to take on extra overhead unless everyone pitches in 100%
(rare). A downside of being alone, you have to do "everything" yourself, and
can't offload to someone else.

If you're a very social person, or need other's around to talk to and keep you
entertained, living alone probably won't work out so well. If you like lots of
alone and quiet time, and can entertain yourself, living alone may be
something worth trying out.

And for the record, I don't do any of that weird stuff they mention in the NYT
piece. ...except for walking around naked sometimes in the morning. That
seriously kicks ass. ;)

~~~
jakeonthemove
Hah, that's almost like my apartment(s) - I have just two laptops and my
phone, everything's on them (and no one can use them because they're very
different... not that I'd let anyone use my laptop :-)). No TV, nothing to
entertain, empty shelves, no photos on walls, everything clean like I just
moved in. I don't even eat at home. Anything that requires social interaction
is done outside my apartment (the beauty of living in the city) - it's just
for me.

P.S. I've also grown up with siblings, lived with other people - I don't like
that, I really like privacy, I guess :-)...

~~~
dgallagher
It sounds like we'd make perfect roommates! ;)

------
pm90
I hate to be that person, but I have to ask: what's new that this article is
telling me? The main point of the article seems to be that people living alone
become eccentric without any "social checks"; that does hold _sometimes_ but
not always.

~~~
unimpressive
Great question actually.

My take on it is that news pieces like this aren't really meant to be "news".
One of the primary reasons for reading news articles is to have something to
talk about when you talk with people. Pieces that focus on things that are
common knowledge pick up traction not because they're breaking stories, but
because they let us have dialogues about things that just don't come up in
ordinary conversation.

I'm sure theres plenty of "singletons" who _love_ the opportunity to use this
news piece as a talking point to reflect on the experience of living alone.

------
kristianp
There is only passing reference in the article to the health effects of living
alone. (Chad, who has never lived alone, says he would "be a fat, out-of-work
alcoholic".)

For instance, a quote from from this article:
[http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2062934/Quick-
better...](http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2062934/Quick-better-shack-
Study-shows-people-65-living-greater-risk-dying.html)

"The data showed those living alone was associated with a 21 per cent greater
chance of dying of all causes, when compared to those living with someone".

------
pnathan
I've lived alone and with roommates. The great thing about good roommates is
you have the option of coming out and chatting when you feel like, and going
and not being around them when you want to be alone.

That's pretty much the only thing I liked about the roommate thing (aside from
the financial situation).

I like being alone a good deal when I'm home. It helps me think, and I can be
as weird as I want. I think there's a great thing to be had when living alone,
especially if you can find a physical social life that you fit into. Looking
forward, I'll be living with a SO, and that will be a new experience. We'll
see how it plays out.

------
Sniffnoy
This article doesn't seem to strongly distinguish between living with someone
else in the same house/apartment/etc and living with someone else in actually
the same _room_. There's a big difference there!

~~~
jakeonthemove
I don't see the difference, though - when I had people living in other rooms
of the same apartment, they could've just as well been in my room - I couldn't
focus because I'd always imagine someone interrupting me :-)...

~~~
Sniffnoy
You couldn't just close your door, or lock it if it came to that? Though in
any case simply having space where one can literally be alone is valuable.

~~~
jakeonthemove
Even someone knocking on my door when I work is enough to totally distract
me...

~~~
Sniffnoy
Hm, I'm evidently coming from a rather different context here. I'm thinking of
things in terms of, if you close your door, people typically won't knock
unless it's important, because if you were open to talking to people at the
time, you would have left your door open or simply been in a public space
rather than your room.

------
zacharycohn
I went from living at home->college->living with a significant other. One of
the major reasons we broke up was that I felt like I needed more space that I
couldn't get while living together.

Now that I live alone, I often find myself missing having other people around.
I'm on Couchsurfing and host almost everyone who applies, but the timing tends
to be haphazard.

The article last week about the woman who funded her startup via Airbnb really
intrigued me. I'm considering putting my apt up on Airbnb now, just to have
more people around.

------
vinayan3
The quirks they pointed in the article seem relatively extreme.

I live with 2 other roommates and I don't seem them much these days because I
work at home during the day. I feel so quiet sometimes being at home all
alone. It is interesting that I will never know how an introvert feels staying
home alone. The opposite is true an introvert will never know how a social
person feels staying at home all alone.

~~~
waterlesscloud
Extreme? I sent the article to a friend who has lived alone for many years, as
have I, and we laughed about how minor the eccentricities in the article
seemed.

------
niels
I am an introvert. When I moved in with my girlfriend, it was really
difficult, because she couldn't understand I need some time alone, just using
the laptop, tablet... But now we have both adapted to each others needs, and
it works out pretty well. The biggest change for me is that I am now an early
riser. Never was before for longer periods of time.

------
mkwayisi
For me, I really enjoy living alone (less/zero distraction, more privacy).
Admittedly, my sleep cycle is weird and the kind of meals I have may not be
all that healthy. But I do exercise regularly to keep fit. Hopefully, I'd
enjoy a better lifestyle when I finally settle down.

------
sliverstorm
The article suggests there are people actively promoting living alone. I find
myself questioning motive.

Who would stand to benefit most? People with a stake in property.

------
maeon3
The internet is becoming more satasfying than marriage companionship and soon
procreation, at least in the minds of the internet generation. When we create
the holodeck on star trek, then human companionship will be in real trouble, I
can get all the joys, minus the awful parts... Plus the added benefit of
pressing pause, edit, augment, delete and start over.

~~~
schraeds
In real trouble... Maybe reduced companionship will be voluntary population
control.

