

Ask HN: What's in a name?... or in a tag line?... - ayusaf

Hi,
I'm about to embark on a new startup (which is a pivoted idea from a previous startup) called Smug Owl and I want to get the messaging and tone right of the couple of lines of copy that we put on the 'register your interest' page. This copy intentionally doesn't go into too much detail but it should give people coming to the site enough of an idea to register their interest.<p>Rather than tell you what the startup is I thought I would put the 2 options I have come up with for the mentioned copy.<p>I would love it if you could help me out by telling me: 1. What do you think my startup is, based on this copy? 2. Would you sign up? (why or why not?)<p>Any thoughts welcome. You can be constructively cruel if you like. Thanks in advance :) BTW, this is in the style of a dictionary definition.<p>Option 1: 
Smug Owl [smuhg oul] - Great, recommended audio for the urban commuter<p>- noun 1 . Busy commuter who conveniently enjoys audio recommendations hand picked by well informed guides.<p>Option 2: 
Smug Owl [smuhg oul] - Great, recommended audio for the urban commuter<p>- noun 1 . Busy commuter who conveniently enjoys periodical audio recommendations selected by knowledgable curators.
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DanielStraight
Briefly. I like the name. The format of the copy is confusing. The text sounds
slightly off.

In a little more detail. On format, why is there a tagline in the middle of a
dictionary definition? I can see using a dictionary definition format and I
can see using a name and tagline format, but I can't see mixing the two. At
first, I started reading it as a name and tagline and wondered why there was a
pronunciation guide in the name. Then I realize it was a definition and was
confused as to what "great, recommended audio for the urban commuter" had to
do with the definition. I would drop the tagline altogether unless the design
of the page somehow makes it obvious that the tagline and definition are
completely separate entities.

On the text, please don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds somewhat non-
native. I don't think I have ever heard anyone describe something as "great,
recommended." In fact, if you Google "great recommended" in quotes, most of
the results are clearly poorly written (like "what some great recommended psp
games"). I feel the same way about "conveniently enjoys", which only has 247
results on Google when quoted, including this page.

A little restructuring of the text might make it read a little more smoothly
as well. Perhaps, "Busy commuter who enjoys hand-picked audio recommendations
from well-informed guides."

Finally, "audio recommendations" is vague. What kind of audio do you mean?
Music? Poetry? Speeches? Anything and everything? If this is supposed to be
clear, I would make it clear in the copy. If it's supposed to be vague, I
guess that's OK too, as long as it's deliberate.

------
user24
"periodical" is a word used by people trying to get you to sign up to their
spammy newsletter.

Other than that, both options are about the same aren't they? You're doing
curated music recommendation.

This is a minute detail, why are you worrying about it?

~~~
ayusaf
Hi, thanks for the feedback. I like the simpler re-structured sentence you've
suggested.

I'm not offended about the non-native comment - I presume you are trying to
say that some of the copy sounds like it's been written by someone who speaks
english as a second language? This is interesting because it has been worked
on by 3 native english speakers (one of them is also an english lit.
graduate!). Maybe the problem is actually the fact that three people are
working on this copy and another problem being that we are all very close to
the product.

We would like to say more about the type of content - it's not music, so the
fact that you think it is, is not good. It's all spoken word programmes (audio
documentaries, interviews, discussions, stories etc.). Does 'spoken word
programmes' sound like a good way to explain this type of content?

I also agree about the periodical comment. The fact that we will be pushing
you content on a periodical basis is more of a detail for later explanation.
Maybe the word 'regular' sounds better than 'periodical'.

~~~
ayusaf
Oops, I forgot to ask where are you based? We are in the UK and I though it
may be relevant to your non-native comment. We definitely want something which
is universally appealing and understood.

~~~
ayusaf
The dictionary definition format combined with a tag line is confusing indeed.
I've dropped the tag line and it looks clearer on the page.

