
Ask HN: How can you tell if you are insane? - qwertyFish
My family is quite worried about me. Two days ago I believe someone hacked in to my cellphone and computer. It was behaving oddly as was my cellphone. Coupled with several harassing emails one of which told me that &quot;here is something over your head&quot; and contained a link to someone using Metasploit in a YouTube video demonstrating a root kit attack against a mobile device, I became concerned.<p>However, I also truly believed that they had my cellphone and were intercepting outgoing calls to my wireless provider. I tried to use the home phone which, immediately began to call out when I tried to use it, even though I never completed dialing. I called my wireless provider to check data usage and it felt like the person was &quot;off&quot; taking long periods of time to answer and give normal pieces of info back to me like other phone numbers on the account and basic stuff. My passwords were all on my phone so I honestly believed someone was looking up the information and they were stalling for time. Battery was draining while phone was off and didn&#x27;t seem to hold a charge well.<p>I also felt very ill about 2 days later and had stayed up resetting and wiping all my devices and router. I went to the 24 hour walk in clinic with symptoms of being very weak dizzy and other general things.<p>My family thinks I am crazy. At first I was angry but I realize there is no way for me to really objectively consider this. I really believe my system was compromised and I am starting to doubt my own sanity I guess. Is there a way to figure out if I am crazy? It could be brought on by lack of sleep and stress, I doubt&#x2F;hope it isn&#x27;t anything permanent. I am 26 male, don&#x27;t think it is something as serious as Schiz. And I take adrall (40mg) daily, slightly more recently, but other than that do not take drugs or drink.<p>How can I evaluate my mental condition objectively?
======
rojost
Your story reminds me of a similar one that appeared on reddit a little while
ago.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/bestof/comments/34novp/user_thinks_...](https://www.reddit.com/r/bestof/comments/34novp/user_thinks_a_stalker_is_leaving_random_postit/)

[https://np.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/34l7vo/ma_posti...](https://np.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/34l7vo/ma_postit_notes_left_in_apartment/cqvrdz6?context=3)

Do you have a carbon monoxide detector?

Dizziness can be one of the symptoms. [http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Carbon-
monoxide-poisoning/Pages...](http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Carbon-monoxide-
poisoning/Pages/Symptoms.aspx)

~~~
teraflop
There is a _much_ more similar case from a few weeks back:
[https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/3iycro/fl_i_am...](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/3iycro/fl_i_am_being_harassed_by_an_leo_agency_please/)

The poster thought they were being spied on by law enforcement, and that a
drone was entering their house and moving around the iPad they had set up to
monitor the premises (!). They posted some of the clips to YouTube but none of
the commenters saw anything suspicious.

It turned out to be a paranoid delusion caused by a combination of stress,
sleep deprivation and Adderall, which is the _exact_ situation in this thread.
I would highly encourage the OP to read both the original post and the
followup.

~~~
qwertyFish
hahaha I don't think I am insane, I think it was just a temporary episode and
am resolving to try and be less stressed, sleep more, and take less adderall
and caffeine. That being said, as someone who is/was insane, I was able to
checkle a bit when I clicked on the video and it said "this video does not
exist".

The CO one scared me, especially because a few fir alarms went off in my house
a few days ago, but my father and I looked around and confirmed there was no
fire despite them going off for ~1 hour. Myabe lighting the stove for the
first time? Anyway, I think I just need to get more sleep and my parents have
been cool about it. I think they are a bit worried, but seem to be resolved to
just monitor me, which is good.

~~~
jenkstom
In the US, at least, you can call the gas company if you suspect a carbon
monoxide leak. If you have reason to suspect a real emergency, you might also
consider calling the fire department or emergency services.

Most fire departments also have a non-emergency line that you can just call
for advice, they may even send somebody by non-emergent to check your house
out and you as well. Some EMS providers (in the US most fire departments have
EMS on staff also) have the ability to check for carbon monoxide in your
blood.

During my time as an EMT, I saw plenty of people go crazy for various reasons
from schizophrenia to completely unrelated physical issues such as diabetes,
migraines, epilepsy and rhabdomyolysis. I AM NOT A DOCTOR, but you should
consider consulting one. It may not be that you are not "crazy", but you may
have some other medical condition affecting your mental status.

Best of luck.

------
ziles88
Hi qwertyFish thank you so much for reaching out.

I have a close family member, and close friend who both suffer from
Schizophrenia. Although I'd hate to make any type of diagnosis over a medium
like this, I feel you've been descriptive enough for me to make an educated
guess.

Schizophrenia is a fairly complex disorder with varying levels of severity.
What you described sounds very close to what a lot of people describe as their
first 'episode', which commonly comes between the ages of 18-30. It includes
what you've described, a long period of being awake, with intense thoughts,
paranoia, and a inescapable need to 'do something' (such as wipe your
devices).

One of the greatest challenges of dealing with this is finding treatment fast
enough before the disease progresses. Often once it progresses, the person no
longer is able to realize something is wrong. As you've described it, you
still have that sinking feeling that something isn't right. Often at this
stage general practitioners will not understand the disease enough to make a
diagnosis, so it's important you see a trained psychiatrist as soon as
possible.

For your question about evaluating your condition objectively, this is part of
the core treatment of Schizophrenia and it's related disorders, so it would be
best a doctor helps you with this. Adderral is a known to aggravate
Schizophrenia as it interferes with Dopamine, I'd advise to cut down or stop
taking it until you can speak to a doctor. There is also a very small chance
you are experiencing a reaction to long term Adderall use it's self,
experiencing a Amphetamine psychosis which has very symptoms to Schizophrenia
but is temporary. Do not risk it though, for a lot of people if Schizophrenia
advances, they are unable, or refuse to seek treatment.

~~~
qwertyFish
Thank you for that answer. My "hopeful" theory is that I did get hacked and
maybe overreacted too much. However, if I am being honest, regardless I think
it is likely amphetamine psychosis. I have been taking it for 3months but as
month 4 started I began to take a bit more at times, possibly leading to these
symptoms.

I think being somewhat paranoid is positive, but I need to have a better way
to assess the underlying concerns rationally and not from a paranoid/worst
case view.

Thanks.

~~~
guessbest
> adrall (40mg)

This is a lot of Adderall. Consider lowering or stopping your dosages. See a
primary care physician ASAP, or go to a hospital if you feel in danger, and
talk to him/her about stopping your dosage and alternatives to Adderall.

~~~
beeboop
Over the course of a day, if you've been taking it for years, it doesn't seem
like much. I have heard of doctors prescribing 30mg (20 morning, 10 at noon)
for people brand new to it.

~~~
qwertyFish
my doctor prescribed me 40mgs, first time. I have been on it ~4 months. I take
20 in the morning and 20 in the afternoon. I don't think it is a totally
massive amount, but I am posting in my own thread about whether or not I am
insane. I am going to try and cut my dosage in half though, because that seems
like quite a bit.

~~~
keefe
' I take aderall (40mg) daily, slightly more recently' paranoia is a frequent
side effect from amphetamines, which is what adderall is. It's very easy to
slip on it and you state yourself that you are taking more than your
prescribed dose. I'd recommend getting off this junk as soon as possible, I've
watched the side effects first hand. You're not crazy (most likely, based on
the evidence so far). If you must take a stimulant, have you talked to your
doc about modafinil instead? Please, be aware of the impact a psychostimulant
has on your reasoning - it's easy to convince yourself it's not the problem. I
wish you well and also please make sure to sleep properly and don't take any
late in the day, sleep deprivation leads to paranoia as well.

------
caffeinewriter
Actually, Adderall could very, very easily be causing this. In the same vein
of the guy who had CO poisoning, there was a man who was paranoid about drones
doing surveillance on him.

[https://np.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/3iycro/fl_i_am_...](https://np.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/3iycro/fl_i_am_being_harassed_by_an_leo_agency_please/cuwciib)

It seems like it could be in parallel to your situation. I highly recommend
having someone evaluating your dosage, as well as whether it's an adverse
effect of the Adderall itself.

~~~
qwertyFish
yep, just read that thread. Resolving to cut my consumption _way_ down.

------
sachingulaya
40mg of adderall daily is the maximum allowed daily amount. That makes me
wonder in and of itself..I am going to go out on a limb here and say you are
abusing it. Probably a lack of sleep leading to paranoia. Someone hacking your
phone? It could happen. More likely is you are either having your first break
from reality with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, etc. or you are having
paranoia and a mental breakdown secondary to drug abuse and lack of sleep.

Why are you taking 40mg adderall daily?

~~~
QuantumLogic
It's 60mg day that's the maximum daily amount. No idea where you got that
from. The pills themselves go up to 30mg per pill as well. In fact, in some
cases, they allow up to 90mg a day, that's like the max-max they can legally
give, but it's in more specific circumstances like if someone's already been
taking it for years and also has a larger body mass as well.

------
DanBC
You might want to arrange a "Rainy Day Action Plan" with a family member or
close friend that you trust.

This would involve you writing a list of stuff that you do and don't want to
happen if people ever feel the need to provide treatment. It can include signs
to look out for - that mean things aren't going well and that people should
take action.

I'm not going to do any kind of diagnostic stuff but _early intervention is
important_.

EDIT: obviously, you should see a doctor rather than relying on Internet
advice.

EDIT: here's a sample plan

[http://www.2gether.nhs.uk/advanced-care-
planning](http://www.2gether.nhs.uk/advanced-care-planning)

~~~
qwertyFish
Thanks. I don't think I need to do that yet and not really sure what I would
include. I guess on balance, I think I am somewhat abnormal in terms of goals
and stuff, and have never achieved a high level of success but don't think I
am overtly crazy to the point that I need this yet.

I recently had to move back to the rural area I am from and although I am
quite social, have had limited interaction with people outside my family.
There is a single store in my town, no stoplights etc rural as fuck. No one in
my demo. I think I need to start getting out more but will keep this link in
case.

------
tdicola
The correct answer is go to a health professional and have them evaluate your
mental and physical health objectively.

~~~
paulcole
Yes, based on the question, this is the only advice in this thread that should
even be considered.

------
JamesBaxter
Based on your username it seems possible to me you're a fan of the TV show MR
Robot as the main character has a fish called QWERTY. The main character
Elliot suffers from anxiety, depression, insomnia and mania.

I would consider that unless like Elliot you're trying to reset society's debt
to zero it's unlikely you're being targeted. What makes you worth targeting
over anyone else?

I think you should speak to a medical professional (get multiple opinions if
you don't trust them) and move on from there.

There's a lot we can learn from Mr Robot, for me the biggest lesson is you
can't always trust what you see and feel. Find somebody who can help you with
that.

For instance, I'm partially convinced this is just someone trolling hacker
news whilst bored on a Sunday...

~~~
qwertyFish
I responded to this already, but the hacker must have intercepted it. Just
kidding, I think I hit post limit because this account is new.

Regardless, that was the reference and I am definitely not that spun out, for
sure. I will say this though, when he goes to meet wh1teR0se he says maybe
they're the best because "they are more paranoid than the rest of us".

So, did I take too much adderall, flip out and whipe my whole system? Yep.
Have I been leading a financial revolution under the exper tutelage of my dead
father with a curious affinity for back to the future II? Not yet.

------
anon98273918
Hey qwertyFish, thanks for reaching out. It's brave and commendable to ask
this question from your position.

I don't know if this is your case, you should to talk a psychotherapist and/or
a psychiatrist, but some of the details of your story (like picking up on
details like the pace of talking from a wireless company representative)
remind me of my mother. She thought there was a worldwide conspiracy against
her, with the CIA involved, and so on. One example: she was active in a
Blogger community, and someone connected to her network wrote this mundane
blog post about visiting the zoo with his family, written in a witty style and
with pictures of animals. My mother thought this was a concealed attack to her
well being. ("I am obviously the giraffe in this story", etc). There was no
way to make her see how absurd that was, that was her perception of reality,
and she wouldn't budge from it.

Unfortunately, even after having seen doctors and having spent time in a
mental hospital, she continues to deny that she is unwell. She is too proud
and too stubborn to be open to the idea that her perception is mistaken, or
that she has an illness, or that she is not at the center of the world. Her
illness along with her pride and stubbornness has caused our family a lot of
pain. Imagine your mother or your sister or your wife, not just becoming
mentally unwell (that is tough but fixable), but denying at all costs that she
is unwell, and so letting that illness define her character going forward.

So for me, whether or not you have a health issue, you taking into
consideration what your family is worried about, is commendable. Please stay
open to what the people who are close to you and who care about you have to
say.

I wish you the best of luck friend.

------
throwaway349287
EDIT: I've reviewed the Reddit thread linked in another comment! (The Co2
guy)[1] Given that the original Reddit report was written as cogently as
you've been writing I would suggest taking similar and related steps. I don't
have anything more specific to add. Get things back to normal. Also you report
physical illness, so this would go hand-in-hand with some similar reason. (For
example, Co2 guy had severe headaches, that he didn't mention but which were a
symptom.)

I've deleted the earlier version of this comment (in which I asked you to
speculate on a motive for the email) as I think that it is more important to
address the things that could cause these thoughts. It would be different if
you didn't feel sick or weren't taking a high drug level.

I see a lot of similarities, especially because you mention physical illness
(although the OP there didn't mention his headaches until prompted.) Try to
solve them, as they're quite serious. Bear in mind that your judgment may be
impaired at the moment, and that your family are concerned. Try to solve the
external source of the issues if at all possible.

[1] Here is the thread I mean:
[https://np.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/34l7vo/ma_posti...](https://np.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/34l7vo/ma_postit_notes_left_in_apartment/)

------
meesterdude
> How can I evaluate my mental condition objectively?

You can't. You need a third party (such as a psychologist) to definitively
tell you what's what. It's super easy to fool and mislead ones self.

I once thought my girlfriend hacked into my computer and corrupted it somehow;
I lost everything. In hindsight, that was a crazy thing to think, but at the
time it made sense given who she was and what was technically capable and all
that.

What one must do, is separate what is possible (being hacked) from what is
likely (computer crash) from what is absurd (girlfriend did it). This is not
always easy, and not always straightforward, and not always something you can
and should do by yourself.

Also... stress is a biggie. aderall likely won't help things either. People
have lapses, behave irrationally or quite insanely as result of temporary
outside factors. So, Its not something to worry about in that sense, but its
certainly something to identify the cause of and take action against and
monitor.

best of luck!

------
slr555
Insane is probably not a useful word in this context. Is it possible that you
are suffering from an illness? Of course it is. The internet is not the place
to seek a diagnosis. Make an appointment with your primary care provider or a
qualified mental health professional. There are a number of illnesses that can
manifest themselves in ways archaically referred to as mental. Just keep in
mind that everything that happens in your brain is chemical and electrical. If
you are having a psychotic break, and believe me I do not mean that as a
pejorative but simply as a medical term then you need qualified medical care.
When asked, a schizophrenic patient will say when they began to hear voices
they were as real to them as their friend talking from the next room. I wish
you the best of luck. Get help. If you need treatment, get healthy. These are
tough issues. Hang in there.

------
allworknoplay
Go talk to a doctor. Strangers on the internet with anecdotes are not
qualified for this.

Never be embarrassed if you think you might be having a temporary psychotic
break or experiencing heretofore unknown symptoms of schizoaffective disorder
or bipolar disorder. It will do no good sitting around and wondering.

Getting help is the only thing that will help you regain confidence in
yourself. And maybe it's nothing and you were right all along.

~~~
codeonfire
Doctors are not always helpful for stuff like this. I wouldn't go to a doctor
unless I am bleeding or immobile from pain or for scheduled checkups. They see
far worse that a little paranoia every day, and will probably just prescribe
some random pills. Doctors don't care about un-treatable problems and "i'm
afraid of my phone" isn't a treatable problem. Yes, they can refer a mental
health specialist. That specialist will just confirm, yes you do have whatever
problem you think you might or something else that's more benign and should
start regularly paying them.

~~~
allworknoplay
This is absurd. Qualified psychiatrists are the only way to diagnose and deal
with an actual mental illness, and the only way to be sure you're not having a
break or don't have a problem if you don't. Always helpful? Sure, nothing's
always helpful. Doing nothing when OP thinks he's "going crazy" is a terrible
strategy.

~~~
codeonfire
No, what you said is absurd. You're feeble straw man argument is pathetic.
Nowhere did I state the person should do nothing. Mental illness of the kind
that is described here can be dealt with in other ways such as living with a
trusted family member, focus on sleep hours, or stop taking Adderall if it
isn't prescribed.

~~~
allworknoplay
Dude, his trusted family members are telling him to see a doctor. It's not a
straw man, it's the only way he's actually going to resolve his question. I
agree it's likely he should stop taking the adderall, especially if it's not
prescribed, although doing that suddenly can also have serious consequences. A
doctor is the best way to answer these questions.

------
koopuluri
Please direct these questions to a psychiatrist. I doubt many of us here
replying are qualified to provide guidance on what you are experiencing and
why. And ignore the name dropping of various mental illnesses and speculations
by others; getting in contact with qualified people and calmly explaining your
situation and providing evidence of what you saw / feel is the best option.

------
ap22213
It's probably very difficult to evaluate oneself 'objectively' but that said,
if it's affecting your life negatively, you may want to get a medical
diagnosis. Your sudden paranoid-like behavior could be caused by any one of
many different physiological, neurological, or psychological things.

Also 40mg of adderall seems like a lot, if you're on adderall xr.

------
sharon2012
I think the best thing is to see a doctor. However, your behavior is too
paranoid and may indicate a certain mental condition. To be sure though, just
see a physician.

------
Iamnotcrazyokay
Is no one going to address the objective evidence? If there are emails
flaunting exploits... You're not crazy. If the emails don't exist, there's
probably a bigger issue. If the emails did exist and then got deleted...
That's tough.

~~~
teraflop
The problem is that paranoia causes you to assign meanings and interpretations
that aren't reasonable. We haven't seen any emails, only the OP's brief, vague
description of them. And even if they do exist, there is a huge difference
between sending a threatening email and tapping a phone.

In the Reddit thread I linked elsewhere, someone thought they had "objective
evidence" of intruders and drones in their house, because they were seizing on
tiny details -- a tape dispenser not where they remembered it, an airplane
flying overhead, bumps and clicks on an audio recording -- and assigning them
the worst possible interpretation.

Likewise, the fact that the OP is seeing events like "the phone company's tech
support was slow to respond to my questions" as part of the conspiracy is a
_huge_ red flag.

------
forgotmypassw
You could always visit a doctor who specializes in these things to get
evaluated objectively. Also cut the aderall.

------
echlebek
Hi, I used to take adderal for ADD when I was in my early 20s.

40 mg/day is a LOT... who put you on that dose? I was taking 10-20 mg/day and
it usually left me feeling totally zonked. (I'm about 200 lbs) Taking 40 mg
was a sure-fire way to spend the day grinding my teeth and babbling
frantically.

I definitely experienced paranoia, and tended to fixate on things outside my
sphere of influence, which lead to feelings of helplessness and despair. At
the time I thought I was seeing things more clearly.

After a while I realized that while adderal was effective at improving
performance in rote tasks, it messed pretty severely with abstract reasoning.
I ditched it cold turkey one day and never went back. Surprisingly there were
no withdrawal effects. After stopping its use, my grades in university level
math and computer science improved dramatically.

I now believe that psychiatrists are wrong about prescribing adderal for ADD,
and that adderal is not a safe or effective long-term treatment. Frankly, I
think the whole field is either in denial, or corrupted by financial
incentives.

Some people will tell you that you need someone to objectively evaluate your
mental state, but I don't believe such an analysis is truly possible. Best-
case, you'll get an educated guess and some good advice. Worst-case, someone
will try to prescribe you even more drugs. So before you do that, quit taking
speed, and exercise regularly. You might be surprised by how much better you
feel.

------
Mz
_How can I evaluate my mental condition objectively?_

You can never be entirely objective about your mental condition. But you can
try to find objective verification about what was going on, whether that
validates or refutes your ideas about the events.

Hemingway thought the government was tapping his phones, etc. Everyone thought
he was crazy. It came out after his death that he was right.

Just because it seems improbable to other people does not mean you are
imagining it. But, also, the fact that you fell ill means you could have been
misinterpreting things due to fever or other temporary mental impairment.

Whether you were coming up with unfounded ideas or were right, the best answer
is to seek some kind of objective evidence concerning what actually happened.
If you get objective evidence that refutes your interpretation, then you can
feel okay about the possibility that it was machinations of a fevered mind. If
you get evidence that something wonky was going on, you can deal with it.

Since you were sick, please consider the possibility that it is a little of
column A and a little of column B. Perhaps someone did something, but you blew
it out of proportion. The truth may lay somewhere between the extremes of "I
was 100% right" and "I was 100% crazy and imagining things."

Best of luck.

------
alexdowad
See a professional, and if they recommend medication, try it for at least a
few days and see if your view of the situation changes.

Story: I knew a lady in her 40s who started experiencing some psychosis. She
started thinking that people were spying on her and reporting her activities
on radio and TV, that huge gatherings were being held in football stadiums to
watch videos of her which had been secretly filmed, that songs on the radio
(in languages she didn't know) were talking about her, etc.

She thought that all her friends knew about this but didn't mention anything
so as not to alarm her. After a couple months went by, and still none of her
friends mentioned anything, she thought it was strange and decided to have
herself checked instead.

After taking the recommended medication, within a day or so, the strange music
she used to hear in the distance disappeared, all the people on the radio and
TV stopped talking about her, etc.

Moral: Don't get stuck on the stigma of the "crazy" label. Just like anyone
can get sick physically, people who are otherwise normal can start having
mental problems. That doesn't mean you're "crazy". It does mean that you
should have yourself checked by someone who is knowledgeable about such
ailments.

------
tayloryeow
Almost this exact thing happened to me during this summer (2015). It ended up
that I was experiencing a stress related break.

I was so incredibly convinced at the time that someone was intercepting my
calls and playing back snippets to me. It was terrible. My mom drove from
another country to take care of me. My brother came in. I made an
embarrassment of myself on my social media. I freaked the fuck out of my
roommates and all the friends I had at university.

I was on vyvanse and aderoll like drug at the time for adhd. It seems these
things may have been related.

All I can say now is. Put the phone away. Post everywhere that you're sick and
going to be out for a few. Take a nap. If you can't nap try and burn the
energy off somehow. Then sleep.

And remember that while it really hurts the ego, everyone around you just
wants to see you feeling like yourself. Hack or not.

If its a hack you can trace it after you're feeling more like yourself. If not
then ohwell. You got weird for a bit. It happens. Life's weird.

I wish you the best! Good luck.

If its a hack

------
mhb
Isn't the first step to see how you feel if you get plenty of sleep and stop
taking Adderall for a week? Horses, not zebras?

------
skwaugh
Yo man. Sorry to hear about your situation. I have been previously prescribed
a high dose of Adderall. For the first 3 -4 months it was incredible.

Slowly, but surely, however, it started having negative side effects, namely
anxiety and paranoia. My symptoms and resulting behaviors weren't as extreme
as yours, but I could definitely feel the crazies coming on sometimes. That
being said, don't listen to the people on here telling you that you are
schizophrenic.

After getting a 2nd and 3rd opinion from other doctors, and reading some stuff
on Pubmed, I realized that my dose was very high. I resolved to just ditch the
Adderall and never return to my psychiatrist.

I'd be happy to talk more about this with you if you want. I am a 23-year-old
male software engineer and have spent a lot of time trying to find healthy/ier
alternatives to adderall. Drop me a line at [redacted].

------
ziles88
I also want to point out that the feeling of being sick/tired after your
'episode' is also very common. As I've been told by a doctor, this is due to
your brain going in overdrive for a few days, and then crashing. Typically it
results in a a deep depression.

It always starts out small like this though, and it's extremely common for a
person after their first few episodes to still not believe they have
Schizophrenia, so please don't trust yourself.

I should also be clear, we could be talking about Schizoaffective Disorder.
Schizophrenia is sort of umbrella term. I find it's often used incorrectly.
Lots of people who suffer still have prolonged periods of being completely
normal and lucid, some even go into year long remissions. It's a complicated
disease, and you've displayed the tell-tale first sign almost to a T.

~~~
bossrat
OP, I would advise you to get help in person from professionals, not from
friends, family, and the internet.

Ziles88, while you are sincerely trying to be helpful, the DSM-5 criteria for
Schizoaffective Disorder requires 2 continuous weeks of psychotic symptoms
without mood symptoms, not 2 days accompanied by mood. The criteria were
changed precisely because it was being diagnosed incorrectly.

but even better is to stick with actual symptoms and stay away from labels;
the labels cover broad ranges of symptoms in a way that is useful to trained
professionals who understand the nuances and limitations, but individuals
don't show such ranges.

------
qwertyFish
Not sure if anyone is still in here but this is OP. Here is a pastebin link
from a few of the emails that weren't from auto-generated indian programmers.
I downloaded one of the attached files and followed one of the links to a
personal site with my phone.

[http://pastebin.com/rTMrSETK](http://pastebin.com/rTMrSETK)

I am sure I overreacted but they did make me concerned when my machine was
running slow. I had upgraded to El Capitan on like the 2nd. SOme behavior
preceded that but not having fans run and machine getting hot is fairly normal
on mac.

IDK maybe I am just paranoid. Trying to find the TCP DUmps. From before I
formatted the system. I am posting them because a few people said that there
was no real evidence. I am sure I overreacted and maybe should look into it
more, but the emails happened.

~~~
Mandatum
Stop taking Adderall for a day. Do you have a link to where your post/ad is?

------
bhouston
The stimulant usage, of which aderall qualifies as it is an amphetamine, can
lead to Stimulant Psychosis:

[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stimulant_psychosis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stimulant_psychosis)

------
works_remote_
I've never dealt with something like this before, but I have personally had to
tackle recurrent depression. It wasn't until my late-20s did I finally notice
what was going on and got the help that I needed. In the meantime, I nearly
lost it all -- my family, job and life.

If you have the slightest inclination that something isn't right, I suggest
seeing a doctor who cares. I waited way too long even after realizing that
perhaps there is a problem (trying to avoid the stigma) and learned that
mental health is no joke.

------
duaneb
Definitely cut down on the stimulants. This is the first step to evaluating
your paranoia.

You're healthy enough to get help, friend, you can't be any crazier than the
rest of us.

------
narrator
Go watch the movie "A Scanner Darkly". It contains a couple of characters
suffering from amphetamine psychosis. Phillip K. Dick knew these kinds of
people well. If you find your behavior to be similar to the characters in the
movie, you should really lay off the Adderall.

~~~
qwertyFish
i've seen it. Great movie and sort of the begginning RDJ's comeback. This
seems in line with my experience.

------
kaffeemitsahne
"It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have
ones doubts."

------
seansmccullough
Stimulants make you paranoid, dude. Cut down on the Adderall, and you'll be
fine.

------
sixQuarks
Can't remember where I read it, but I remember learning that it is very rare
for schizophrenic people to question their sanity. So the fact that you are
considering it should give you relief that you probably are not.

------
swayvil
There's functional and nonfunctional. The rest is philosophy, consensus,
convention.

------
nlake44
The same thing that is happening to you happened to me. Contact me at
nlake44@gmail.com

------
vbezhenar
May be you are really was hacked? :) If it's possible, I would suggest to find
someone who got skills to explore your devices, analyze your emails and find
out, whether that was harassment from some strange person or real hack.

I would be definitely very nervous if someone hacked my devices.

------
takfpbi
1) Based on the info you have provided, it sure sounds like someone is messing
with you to an unusual extent over the internet. Hard to tell exactly why, or
what exactly they are doing, but there are plenty of plausible reasons why it
is not crazy to think that it is happening and to act accordingly.

2) Taking drugs is a very dubious practice at best. Prescription drugs are
drugs. They mess with your normal functioning in ways that sometimes mask
certain problems, almost always at the cost of causing worse ones. The list of
known side-effects at normal dosages is usually bad enough, and those are just
the ones that are known. The people who make them are only motivated to find a
product that produces a certain effect. They are not motivated to learn what
the drugs actually do. The people who push them do so for reasons that rarely
have to do with promoting your real health, mental or otherwise. The people
that think they are helping are the worst. For every problem that drugs might
help you with (temporarily and at too high a cost), there is almost certainly
a better way.

2a) What goes for drugs goes for any person in the mental health field,
whether they push drugs or not. It also goes for anyone recommending
professional help from someone in the mental health field, especially when
they are very nice and emotionally supportive and want to help and are sure
they have (or will find) the answer for you. Many people enter the mental
health field because they have questions about their own mental health that
they want to answer. They do not find answers. They find a system where they
can gain status and make a living by making sure that other people do not find
answers either. This is a harsh and sweeping statement that cannot be properly
justified without going into issues that are beyond the scope of this post,
but suffice it to say that the entire mental health field is based on
assumptions which are completely wrong and do not allow it to even get a whiff
of what the real problems and the real solutions are. If you value your
sanity, stay as far away as possible. Take it as one person's opinion if you
like, but that's what I have to say about the mental health field.

2b) I have an aunt who was diagnosed with schizophrenia, went on drugs, and
has spent most of her life in institutions. She had serious problems (possibly
before and certainly after entering care), but I agree with the poster who
said that mental health issues are often family politics issues in disguise. I
told my parents things that they did not want to hear, and they did not think
there was anything wrong with going to a mental health professional and asking
if they could do something (read: possibly get me committed) without even
trying to talk to me first. These are parents that I thought I had a good
relationship with, but I discovered (the hard way) that there were just
certain that they do NOT want to hear. Obviously I do not recommend doing or
saying anything even remotely threatening to anyone, and particularly not to
parents or family members. I do not even recommend saying things that family
members do not want to hear (even if they are true), if you can possibly avoid
it. I recommend staying as close to your family as you reasonably can.
However, you have to realize that they do not necessarily have your best
interest in mind when they give you advice, and that your natural inclination
(if you are like most people) is going to be to trust them even if you
shouldn't. If they attempt to manipulate you or try to get you to think that
you are crazy just because you think something unusual is happening, when it
is pretty clear that something unusual is indeed happening, then be very
careful and do not let them become the ones who determine what is real and
what is not real for you, or pressure you into mental health channels, or
anything that would commit you to something that is not actually going to help
you.

3) The better way (than drugs) might involve investing less of yourself in
technology and the internet. That's a decision that you have to make for
yourself, but the tech industry, and the internet part of it especially, is
already borderline insane. Some of the people who participate in it the most
intensively (though probably not the most visibly) are criminally insane. Even
"normal" behaviors within internet culture ingrain ADD type thinking and
behavior. Rather than take drugs to mask a behavior, ask yourself what is
causing it. It is certainly possible to have some involvement with the
internet and not suffer any apparent ill effects. I still have some
involvement with it. But I used to live on it. That is becoming normal
behavior for more and more people, but in fact it is insane-making.

4) Exercising is a waste of time. It might provide an alternative to drugs
that is somewhat healthier, and it might help you get off the internet, but it
does not address any of the real issues. For many people it is just another
obsession. Most people would do much more for their health just by paying more
attention (and putting more effort in)to not eating more than they actually
_need_ to eat.

5) Having gone though a similar experience to the one that you relate (perhaps
a bit more extreme, hece the length of this post), the best step I can
recommend, based on my own experience, is to get a job as an employee
(preferably low level, preferably with minimal prospects for advancement) at
some job that pays the bills, and spend the greater part of your day doing
what someone else tells you to do. A job that does not require you to interact
with very many other people is fine, and less stressful, but a
customer/service job is OK too if you can do it. Some of these kinds of jobs
are hectic, but ideally you want the most boring such job that you can get.
Don't be a trucker, or another job where you're not dealing with a boss for
long periods of time. The idea is that you are doing what your boss tells you
to do and/or what the customers are asking you to do as much as possible, that
you are not what you want to do, and that you continue doing this as long as
possible. It might sound counter-intuitive to tell you to listen to your boss
and to random customers and do what they want after I've just finished telling
you not to listen to your parents or mental health professionals or do what
they want, but the difference is that with a job (especially a boring job)
it's just a job. There are no family politics. You are not attempting to
create something out of nothing. You are not trying to become rich or famous.
You are there because you choose to be there and because there is a job to do.
The customer wants a simple thing from you, and your boss wants a simple thing
from you, and none of them gain much from trying to mess with your head. It's
just a job. You are also not falling into the habit of becoming a leecher in a
system that is designed to support a leecher lifestyle, which is what happens
to people who fall into institutions hoping that someone else will solve their
problems.

Getting a job like that and sticking with it long enough might be too big of a
step for many (most?) people, but it's what I did and it has worked very well
for me. There are also very good reasons why it can be expected to work in
general, but these are beyond the scope of this post. If you do it, and
reflect on it, you will start to understand it yourself anyway. And that is
the real reason to do it, because the question of what is sane and what is
not, what is normal and what is not, is a non-trivial question--very non-
trivial. Unfortunately you cannot trust the answers that you get from most
people, including the ones who ought to know. But you cannot simply trust
yourself and leave it at that either. It is worth spending a great deal of
time and effort to get it right.

------
andreyf
I would recommend adding a non-public way of talking about this. People might
be more willing to give genuine advice about this in a non-public forum.

There is a certain amount of legitimate paranoia which comes on anyone who is
technically competent and starts thinking about security and the systems most
people trust without question. This sounds like the place you are now. Once
you start thinking about it, it won't go away, and you will learn to manage
it.

Don't use the word "they" when you think about who can intercept your calls or
hack you. That ways lies unhealthy paranoia, where anyone can start to seem
"off" or "acting weird". Even without that bias, bringing up anything that
might imply your cell provider not securing their network will confuse a call
center employee at best, or put them on "careful what I say" mode because that
way lies legal liability for them. Not sure if that's what happened, but it's
one explanation.

There definitely exist people and groups in this world that can hack you in a
variety of ways: legally (FBI using a warrant), probably legally (NSA without
judicial approval), or illegally (criminal hackers). Most likely the first two
don't care to attack you, and the latter have no reason to risk performing an
attack on you unless you recently made some shady enemies. If you care to do
so, you can minimize the number of such groups by using end-to-end encrypted
technologies like FaceTime. Google is allegedly working on end-to-end
encrypted calls, as well, and has included WebRTC into Chrome. Signal by Open
Whisper Systems and Firefox Hello by Mozilla also provide e2e crypto, if you
prefer open source things.

Realize that the challenge you're facing is both technical and psychological.
Start thinking systematically about security. If you think your phone is
hacked, ask "how did it get hacked, and how do I prevent this with my next
phone?". Did the OS get rooted, or is it just one of the apps that could be
acting weird? Cell phone makers spend a lot of resources securing their
manufacturing, hardware, software, and platforms, and it's really expensive
and risky to perform an attack on someone who follows best practices.

That said, don't imagine that you can be secure all of your systems against
everyone all the time. Angela Merkel can't, and she has way more resources
than you do. Security is all about increasing the cost and risk of an attack
and decreasing its value, something worth integrating into your lifestyle
regardless of whether you're a target now.

Finally, about schizophrenia: there's definitely stigma there. Don't worry
about it. Read the DSM [2] to understand what symptoms drug manufacturers
target in their drug trials. The point of the categorization is for medical
treatment, not judgement, and it's none of anyone's business except the people
who you choose to tell. If your security concerns get so bad that they
interfere with your daily life more than you want (i.e. you can't work or have
close relationships), get diagnosed and meds to help you get back on track.
Based on your writing, it doesn't seem like you're suffering from anything
that will require you to be on meds for a long time, even if you choose to use
them. A doctor or therapist can be a good advisor in this regard, as can
friends or relatives if you can find someone qualified.

Stimulants like Adderall are in some ways the opposite of anti-psychotics, so
that definitely won't help you.

Good luck!

1\.
[http://www2.nami.org/Content/NavigationMenu/Intranet/Homefro...](http://www2.nami.org/Content/NavigationMenu/Intranet/Homefront/Criteria_Schizophrenia.pdf)

------
dreamdu5t
"I take a bunch of speed every day and I think people are spying on me, am I
insane?"

YES. But its probably just the drugs. Quit taking speed.

------
Supraperplex
How is your "nature usage" going? What I mean is how often are you outside? I
mean in the woods, not the city. At the beach, you know, nature.

The stimulation our brains get by beeing in nature is very important for us.

When you are outside and all the little, tiny millions of natural information
tidbits that are coming from everywhere, they are important for our mental
health in general. Outside, look at the waves, at the leafs of trees in the
wind, bugs humming around and everything. Those pattern are important.

In the confines of our cities, which give us solace on other levels, and the
simplistic abstractions of our GUIs, which we love, these natural stimulations
are lacking.

May I suggest to you to go outside, hiking, kayaking, paragliding, stuff like
that, regularly and often?

Take a walk to the nearest park every day, look at the trees for a while.

Do something physical - start a martial arts or so.

On a personal note: I hate it too. Working out is so dump, your brain is empty
while doing so and that sucks. I know. I am not a "jock" by any means. I am
bored by it, I understand.

But. From my point of view tere is a clear spiral down that beins with not
having enough natural stimulation going on. For decades now, I suppose?

I also want to second the other poster: it is good that you reached out.

~~~
subliminalzen
Why is this comment getting downvoted? I'd say of all the recommendations in
this thread, getting out into nature is by far the most sensible.

I second this advice.

~~~
DanBC
Q:"I have found a small hard lump in my arm pit. What should I do?"

A:"Go for a walk in the woods."

Q:"I've come up in a rash. What should I do?"

A:"Go for a walk in the woods."

Q:"I need to pee all the time. I'm very thirsty. And I sleep a lot."

A:"Go for a walk in the woods".

It's an inappropriate response to the situation. The question was not "What
things can I do which will protect my mental health?" but "I think I have a
mental health problem, what should I do?" ("See a professional" should be the
answer)

------
rorykoehler
Why are you taking Adderall? I just read the symptoms of ADHD and that is not
something worth medicating for especially with amphetamines. You're a human.
We're all different and some of us have more energy than others. It's ok to be
hyperactive and not be able to concentrate if that's who you are. Try cutting
sugar from your diet and meditating instead of cramming yourself full of
Adderall. Anyone would go crazy pumping that shit in everyday. If that doesn't
help after a week or two find a professional psychiatrist.

~~~
Eduard
Better don't tell people on medication to stop taking them for a week or two,
and if it doesn't work go to a professional.

~~~
mobiuscog
Well, it depends on _why_ they're taking the medication. You're correct if
it's prescribed, but if they're taking it off their own back, it makes sense
to suggest they ease off it.

------
pcvarmint
If you are independent enough to live by yourself, I suggest doing so, and
temporarily getting rid of your mobile devices and staying away from your
family for a while so that they do not interpret your thoughts the wrong way
and get you committed against your will and put on drugs which can ruin your
life.

When I was 20, I abruptly left my parents and moved into an apartment. We were
having personal conflicts, and had I stayed, there's a possibility, however
remote, that I would have been told by family members to see shrinks and take
drugs (they didn't have enough money to have me committed). It was the best
decision I made. Within two years I was working in the technology sector and
I've never looked back.

Mental illnesses are often just political problems in the family, and if you
can break free and gain independence, you can avoid a vicious cycle which
leads to family members running to psychiatric drugs to explain away and
suppress political issues.

Anxiety, depression and lucid dreams or paranoid thoughts are often the result
of being in the wrong environment. I've had symptoms which, if I disclosed
them, might be considered paranoid or mentally ill; but when I've changed jobs
or moved to better environments, all of the symptoms have disappeared. I
believe it's the body's way of telling you something is wrong out there.

Reading books can be a good way to take your mind off of difficult issues.

I would also eliminate caffeine and sugary foods from your diet.

~~~
qwertyFish
I think this make sense sense. I am sure others find this dangerous but the
lack of balance in my life can also I would imagine, cause problems mentally.
I haven't had much contact with people outside my family, spend all my time
programming or on the Internet, and there is no one in my age demo in my town.
I never exercise

I suspect I should cut my adderall and caffeine intake, eat healthier, get a
more regimented schedule and excercise. Call friends more and try to get out
and about with the few people I know around here

