Ask HN: How to stop feeling depressed about whether you will be successful? - apexkid
======
callmeed
YMMV but I'd encourage you to take a break from consuming "success porn"
online. That's my broad term for:

Social media: because people curate everything and only post things that make
their lives look amazing. Real life isn't a constant string of wins, success,
and happiness. Don't let it distort your view and wonder why your life isn't
the same.

Startup news: TechCrunch, Recode, Bus. Insider, and even here on HN. Post
after post about YC, funding rounds, growth, and–of course–big exits. Its easy
to find them but the truth is, they are outlier events. If a big startup exit
is something you want–fine, by all means go for it–but don't let any article
fool you into thinking its easy or guaranteed if you follow some formula. It's
not. Startups are hard. There is no guarantee of success because some things
are beyond your control.

Success celebrities: avoid videos, podcasts, ebooks, and online courses from
_celebrity entrepreneurs_. These are people who have had moderate success with
a blog/vlog/startup/book/whatever and now want to teach everyone else how to
do it. Truth is, they just want to take your money and time. The only thing
you might learn is how to be just like them (yuck).

Hope that helps. Lots of other good advice here. Find other things to put your
energy into and good luck!

~~~
unnawut
Any non-"success porn" sites you might recommend?

I know this differs between people but I'd be interested to know what sites
you view as the opposite of those listed.

~~~
ivm
Entrepreneur communities like
[https://www.indiehackers.com/](https://www.indiehackers.com/) and
[http://discuss.bootstrapped.fm/](http://discuss.bootstrapped.fm/)

~~~
muzani
They're nice, but I feel that these communities will evolve into success porn
unless actively checked.

------
ak39
Be Marcus Aurelius. Become a stoic.

Think more of virtue than of success. Success is a hollow word, like in
nutrition “it’s an empty calorie”. Rather focus on the virtues of your life.
Those are life-giving, filled with “soul nutrients”.

So ... dammit man:

Feed the cat. Take the dog for a walk. If that’s all you do today, you made
it.

Help a struggling neighbour make that rent payment just this month - do it
anonymously. No one needs to know. Certainly not him!

Call your mom. Tell your Dad you understand. Call your sister/brother - ask if
you can help in any way you can - then help.

Try to read Robert Sapolsky - he says you really don’t have free will - crazy
man - it’s rather comforting to forgive yourself thoughtfully. He is a great
man actually.

Forgive. Force a smile when thoughts of failure intrude. “Eyebrow” as you pass
someone today with a friendly but subtle smile. (You don’t want to be creepy)

Listen to Carl Sagan’s “Pale blue dot” speech. Then watch the Cosmos series -
both the new and old ones. See if that makes you feel you’re worrying about
the right stuff.

Finally, be like Francisco Goya and “paint” (write software, build a house,
make music, write a poem) ONLY for yourself. Begin with the intention that
your work will never be allowed to be judged by another. Keep it hidden. Chip
at it everyday.

Hit the cool pillow every evening imagining that just ONE more day is good
enough for you to fill it up with things like the above. Perhaps even better
ones.

~~~
gf263
Lovely comment. FWIW - I found the Enchidrion
([http://www.ideonautics.net/manual2.htm](http://www.ideonautics.net/manual2.htm))
to be the best introduction to Stoic philosophy.

~~~
ljw1001
Seneca's Letters on Ethics is wonderful, also. Such an extraordinary writer,
and such a lovely edition. [https://www.amazon.com/Letters-Ethics-Lucilius-
Complete-Anna...](https://www.amazon.com/Letters-Ethics-Lucilius-Complete-
Annaeus/dp/022626517X)

------
comboy
Being depressed is a state of mind. Being successful or not has not much to do
with it (which is proven in many papers). Anxiety about failure is just a way
that it manifests. Your brain always finds some ways to rationalize things
that it observes. That's its job.

So if you feel a bit of rush because you really want to succeed, or if you
think about things that may go wrong in order to take actions to minimize the
risk - that's perfectly fine and embrace it. But if it really brings you down,
then it's a depression problem, not a startup problem and that's what you want
to solve.

I'm sure you've heard many many times how failures are necessary learning
experience and all that stuff. But if your brain chemistry is not ok, your
brain will rationalize it away - "but that's my only shot" and so on. Once
again, you need to fix that chemistry. HN will offer you many suggestions some
of them very reasonable, but it's likely that a professional will give you
some better options.

~~~
Balgair
> but it's likely that a professional will give you some better options.

Just want to echo this. If the issue, you suspect, is mostly about depression,
just go to a Shrink. They're about as much as a Friday night at the bar, and
they really do help out. Maybe try a few of them out and decide. But really,
just do it.

Also, eat right, exercise, and sleep enough. I mean, duh. But it really does
help a ton.

~~~
JBlue42
Re: therapists - could be cheaper, depending on the bars. Check for 'sliding
scale'.

------
medhir
Practice gratitude for the things that are going right in your life. Try and
be kind to yourself.

People you perceive as “successful” may themselves be facing internal
hardships. Placing self-worth in externally-controlled goals sets you up to
feel bad about your place in life.

I used to beat myself up about my current progress and constantly comparing
myself to others. Once I stopped doing that and instead focused on making
small incremental goals, I started to feel much happier. It seems
counterintuitive, but once I stopped focusing on “success”, I became much more
successful in what I actually wanted to accomplish.

~~~
paulkoer
I second this. I used to think practicing gratitude was stupid, or at least
not really worth my time. I have recently picked up stoicism and one key
techniques seems to be "practicing negative visualization" \- basically
imagining how much worse of you could be. I found that once I really think
through all the hardships that I could find myself in I appreciate my current
situation much more and feel much happier.

Curiously, I think I also get more done now because I feel better, am in a
better mood and spend less time anguishing about all the things which are not
perfect or could somehow be better. It has also made me aware that many people
do find themselves in various hardships and my appreciation for my situation
has really grown again through this.

Stop being so hard on yourself and cut yourself some slack - if you're the
perfectionist type (like me) it does a lot more harm than good!

------
wheresmyusern
worrying about success is unmitigated idiocy. everyone gets caught up in this
herd mentality of wanting to have the best image on instagram and etc. when i
was in college, 90 percent of the other people in the cs program were blatant
zuckerberg wanna-bes. they all carried around a silent, bulging arrogance
because they thought they were going to be rich. they also felt anxiety about
being successful and their response was to double down on computer science.
instead of questioning the anxiety itself -- the basics -- they embark on a
long, demented journey of trying to become rich and look good on instagram at
the cost of everything else in their lives. one day the waves of time will
wash over the stories of these peoples lives, leaving behind the rational and
impersonal perspective that is only ever widely endorsed in retrospect. and
those people who agonize over how successful they look in this time of
instagram will be considered idiots. you got bent over by the sentiment of the
herd. you allowed your life to be made miserable for no reason. and the
ultimate precipice of irony is that this success mentality and social media
posturing goes completely against everything that the founders of computer
science believed -- their culture.

here is my advice to you. take care of your financial needs. engineer your
life so that you are stable financially while maintaining the most modest
life-style that is comfortable. in other words, get yourself to a point where
the practical aspects of life no longer are a problem. no, i never said it was
easy. after that, pursue the tangible aspects of success, or pursue anything
you want to, without worry. i say that almost nobody said on their death-bed
that they regretted not working harder or that they regretted spending too
much time enjoying nature, traveling or spending time with the people they
loved. use that fact as a guide-line for choosing what to do.

~~~
hinkley
Amen.

Take a look at Maslow’s hierarchy from time to time, and think about this
success treadmill you’ve signed up for, success is nowhere in that triangle.
Neither is power.

What are you planning to use success and power for? Are you trying to spend
your way into esteem? Belonging? Force them to respect you? Do you think self
actualization requires ordering people around? Do you think if you are
powerful enough that the love of your life can’t die from a tragic car
accident, an aneurism, or cancer?

You can’t control as much as you think you can, and sometimes that’s a good
thing. Fortune favors the prepared mind, but you can show up and still strike
out, or you can find more success than you deserve. Recognize your good
fortune.

Remember that the guy making you coffee is a person with feelings. If
everybody were like you then you’d have to drink coffee you made and take your
own trash to the dump and do your own plumbing. If anything these people are
doing a service to society. Charity work, if you will. Respect it.

~~~
ajeet_dhaliwal
Self-actualization involves reaching what you feel is your full potential and
that is success, where the definition of success is different for each person
(just like potential).

------
songzme
I think its so awesome that you are not only bringing this up on HN, but you
also seem to have a genuine desire to be successful. Its probably for a noble
idea, perhaps it is to make your parents happy, perhaps it is to improve other
people's lives around you?

I don't know your goals, but I felt something similar myself a few years ago.
Looking back, the main cause of my unhappiness was that my idea of 'success'
was what the media depicted: nice house, nice car, big philanthropy
initiatives, etc and that wasn't normal. It wasn't normal for me to work
hungrily towards financial success. When my friends wanted to hang out, I
declined because I was 'too busy trying to change the world'.

Eventually, my scope shifted from "changing the world" to helping those around
me. I taught a few friends how to code over the years and helped them get
jobs. Now we all bought modest houses next to each other and we hangout all
the time, volunteering together and teaching more people how to code. I'm much
happier now that I have redefined my meaning of success.

I hate mainstream media and the unsustainable consumerism and desires it
creates. It makes it harder than ever to find yourself. Get off Facebook and
other media for awhile, hangout with your friends and family more, and I hope
you successfully redefine what success mean on your terms.

------
superasn
I guess you need to define what "successful" is first. Is that a certain
amount of money like a million dollars, or is it fame, or a comparison with
someone else? Most of the time our definition of success is so vague that you
will never feel successful how hard you work or what you achieve.

Secondly, I think it is also priority. What's important to you in life? For
me, I think it would be my physical and mental health, my family and other
things before money. What are your priorities? Is it your top priority to be
successful? Or if your priorities are like mine then where are you with that?

Lastly you can try the "vertical arrow"[1] technique which keeps asking the
question "What if it was true?". So as an example:

"I will never be successful"

-> "What if it was true?"

-> "I will never have money"

-> "What if it was true?"

-> "I will never be able to impress the ladies"

-> "What if it was true?"

-> "I'll be alone"

-> "What if it was true?"

-> "Everyone will think of me as total loser", etc.

-> "What if it was true?"

Then you write the rational explanation for each with the cognitive
distortions in your thoughts. I'm not an expert but do try it maybe it will
help you out. It certainly is very powerful stuff to fix your mood instantly.

[1]
[http://webedulab.org/ows/wca/beck/vert_atech.htm](http://webedulab.org/ows/wca/beck/vert_atech.htm)

------
goodroot
You can mitigate a lot of these feelings by being aware of your exposure. This
community in particular can make even the dazzlingly brilliant feel lumpy and
unmotivated.

There was an interesting study[0] done on Facebook users in University that
had the following conclusion. A quote from it:

 _The multivariate analysis indicated that those who have used Facebook longer
agreed more that others were happier, and agreed less that life is fair, and
those spending more time on Facebook each week agreed more that others were
happier and had better lives._

We tend to get blasted with other peoples' expectations and visions of
success. Without establishing our _own_ definition, we'll never find that
illusory success that we've projected upon other people and other
circumstances.

What's _your_ definition of success? Everyone's will be different. It might be
helpful to shorten your question: How to stop feeling depressed? The bleak
patterns of depression are masterful at creating a monster to slay, in this
case, for you: "being successful". If that dark knot was gone, would it
matter?

[0]
[http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22165917](http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22165917)

------
ArmandGrillet
Meet a specialist a few times, there is a thin line between feeling and being
depressed and it's better to know that you are not sick. Also, telling someone
who is not your friend your current state of mind is a great way to make it
more clear for you and see what are your problems.

Other than that? From your question the main thing would be to stop thinking
about if you will be successful, as it is not a great way to be successful.
Like happiness, successfulness is not a state you reach once and for all. You
can be happy at work and depressed at home, successful at your gym while still
not finding the right person on Tinder.

From this, here are three personal suggestions:

\- Do not only focus on work. Being successful with your friends, your family,
at sports, at learning (e.g. a new language), also matters. If you are stuck
at work, always have a second area where you can progress during your free
time. Doing sports and learning a new language are great activities because
you cannot be stuck if you actually put effort in it, and then you can share
(that matters so much) with buddies you see every week at your gym or online
(e.g. on Reddit).

\- Write down your core values and ambitions and put them somewhere you can
read them every day. I have a few post-its right in front of me right now,
written 6 months ago, and they affect my life in a positive way.

\- Make sure that even your shittiest days have good moments by design. E.g. I
have chosen my flat so that I have to walk through a park twice a day, and
even when I am not going well I still see dogs and kids enjoying life on my
way from and to work. It motivates me a lot, those few minutes where I don't
think about me and my problems but just enjoy the fact that things are already
quite good. It makes me inspired and confident which is utterly important to
be successful.

Good luck!

~~~
vanilla_nut
Awesome tips! I especially like your last one -- that's something I've been
trying to do in my life as well. My current goal is to shape my living room
into a really nice, cozy place: comfy chairs, bookshelves, nice speakers for
music, soft lights, etc. So even when I have a bad day, I'll sit down on the
couch in a place that I truly enjoy. I guess that's one of those "little
things" in life people always advise us to enjoy :)

------
alexashka
One thing nobody seems to have brought up, is who is reinforcing these
anxieties in you.

Is it your parents, is it your friends? Is it school?

4 year olds aren't depressed about being successful - they just live their
life.

As you get older, your parents think your happiness is related to making
money, having a family, stuff like that.

They're right to some extent. The crucial point is since you have anxiety
about this issue, what has happened is their incompetence (this is a crucial
point, incompetence breeds anxiety), has created anxiety in them, and they
have infected you with it.

They're anxious you're not good enough, they're anxious your grades aren't
high enough, they're anxious, anxious anxious. They're comparing you to their
friends' kids and they're having an internal competition - they want to tell
their friends how well you're doing. Their self esteem is tied to your
'success', success they've defined for you without asking you if that's what
you want (This doesn't always happen, but it is extremely common)

All this is unfortunate and extremely common. Your parents/friends are just
incompetent at being happy, sorry. They mean well, they just don't know how to
live happily and spread that around.

The possible solutions are:

\- to succeed, according to your parents' worldview, to shut them up

\- to disagree with their worldview and create your own (redefine success for
yourself)

\- to do a combination of the two - succeed to some extent (get higher
education), but also distance yourself away from them, so that their regular
dose of anxiety doesn't get in the way of your self discovery

This is something everyone goes through, and doesn't get talked about enough,
because most people are not aware of what really happened - they just think
everyone is insecure to some extent, and that it's ok. It's not ok, but only a
few will be curious enough to rediscover what THEY actually want out of life.
That's what a mid-life crisis is - when people finally reach a peak in
reaching what everyone else told them would make them happy, and they're not.
So it's something you figure out now, or mid-life, or after, doesn't matter
when really :)

------
pjc50
Define "successful".

That's not snark, it really does mean different things to different people,
and your own definition will change over time.

Also consider how many people can reasonably meet a particular definition, and
what they have to give up to get there.

------
montrose
If you try as hard as you can, it will breed a good sort of fatalism about
being successful. You can't try harder than as hard as you can, and once
you're doing everything you can, what's the point of worrying how well you'll
do?

~~~
hashkb
You can change what you're doing, apply the same effort, and be more
successful. Roughly equivalent to mechanical leverage. Some management types
even call it that.

------
tyingq
One potential mitigation...move some place where the cost of living is
dramatically lower.

Depending on your field of expertise, it can make a big difference. The bigger
safety net reduces stress levels.

------
cryptoz
(Edit: I wrote this assuming you were talking about your startup, I may have
misread the question. It probably still applies.)

You have to separate yourself and your identity from that of your startup. Yes
you live and breathe it but no you are not it. I was my startup and when it
fell I fell. It took years to recover, multiple moves, etc. Your startup is
just something you're doing. It doesn't matter if it is successful or not
because the only thing that matters is that you have finite time on this
Earth.

If you aren't capable of doing something without going crazy and losing years
and years of your precious life due to panic, then you sure as shit shouldn't
have been doing it.

Keep things in perspective. Success is nice, but you will learn a lot from
your startup if it fails and you will be better for it. You will have a higher
chance of success doing your next startup, and you will have life experience
that you can't get any other way.

If you do good work there and it fails, people will still respect what it was
and who worked on it.

Stay strong, keep things in perspective, and enjoy what you do. You cannot
change the world if you can't stay stable yourself. The only way you can
change the world is if you are okay with yourself first.

------
loteck
Redefine "successful" to describe a place you're already in. Realize that
successful people still experience failures, and yet remain successful.

------
korijn
Listen to some talks by Alan Watts and Joseph Campbell. It helped me a lot to
take a step back and accept here and now instead of worrying about the future.
In other words, the only way you are going to end up looking back on a life
full of good memories, is to make it good here and now(!), not in the future.

~~~
gnbfulbvgjbvv
I found listening to anything by Alan Watts to be highly demotivating. Ymmv,
of course.

------
alexryan
I think of it this way: We are survival machines who evolved sensory-motor
brains for the purpose of making ever better decisions about which moves will
increase our ability to survive and thrive. Pain is a signal that our
predictive model of the world is incorrect. We made a bad move. Our predictive
model needs to be revised. Rumination is the way in which the brain seeks to
discover a better predictive model. If instead of productively pondering we
choose to think thoughts of powerlessness which disrupt the rumination process
and bring forward momentum to a halt, we are subverting our forward momentum.
We should strive to discipline our mind to feel intense aversion towards
allowing such unskillful thoughts to form and harden into beliefs.

------
j0hnml
The number of people responding is very encouraging to see.

To answer the question, I echo and endorse what one user has already posted --
practice gratitude and be nice to yourself. It's very easy to get caught-up
thinking we're not enough these days, and social media likely exacerbates it.
I'm not going to tell you to get off of social media, but try appreciating all
the things you do well and find things you like about yourself.

Lastly, I'm not too big into self-help books, but if there's one that's helped
me it's The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. The gist is start loving
yourself for who you are, recognize that you are enough, and understand the
difference between shame and guilt (and why guilt is ok but shame is bad).

------
monk_e_boy
The majority of people aren't successful. 9 out of 10 startups fail. On HN you
tend to hear from the success stories (survivor bias)

Maybe have some other goals in life that you can achieve and be happy. A
family. Painting. Music. Sport.

I'll never bee a pro-kiteboarder, but I still enjoy it.

~~~
twblalock
The people who work at failing startups are often successful people. They get
other jobs.

~~~
monk_e_boy
It depends on OPs definition of successful. Raising a happy family is success.
A lasting legacy of a decent human being.

Money as they keep telling us doesn't make you happy.

I live in an area where rich folk come to retire. It's sad seeing old men get
excited about surfing, snorkelling, SUPing, kitesurfing, rock climbing... you
guys could have been doing this 20 years ago, but you chased the big fat $$$
... I guess at the time it made them happy. Successful. I don't know. Is there
a real answer to the question?

------
ajcodez
I used to feel intense self imposed pressure to succeed financially. I have
yet to achieve that but I don’t think about the abstract concept of success
and “swimming pools of money” anymore. What changed for me was moving cities
and meeting new friends. It turns out I wasn’t happy with my life and making
lots of money seemed like the best escape to something better. If you feel
depressed I would recommend you expose yourself to new people by enrolling in
a program or starting a new job. You’re one friend or relationship away from a
life you wouldn’t trade for millions.

------
tachyoff
A little nihilism legitimately helps me. One day, the sun will expand and,
most likely, engulf the inner planets. Save for a few hunks of metal and
bursts of energy, all that was, is, and will be of earth will be incinerated,
and rather spectacularly, I might add. We’ll (most likely) be long gone by
then, but I find comfort recognizing that my life is but a short blip on the
cosmological timeline, and as such, I shouldn’t take life too seriously. Live
well, if you can. Be kind to others, love as much as possible, but remember,
as they say: you can’t take it with you.

------
ll931110
Right now I'm about to start my first job after college, and have been
struggling for a few months before (by some unrelated reasons). Now I find I
don't need trying to be successful for its own sake, I treat it as a journey
to find my own value. Instead of fixating on a single, true way to succeed
(which often depends on a lot of factors outside your control), I keep
multiple scenarios with "true" and "flexible" ending. While I will work for
the true ending, ending up at a flexible ending suffices.

------
cimmanom
Redefine "success" to center around fulfilling relationships and "enough to
live on without constantly worrying" instead of around money and possessions
and glory and adulation.

------
godot
I know this is easier said than done -- finding a significant other and having
a meaningful relationship.

Having someone you really love, that also love you back and give you support,
will get you through whatever failure you do and will go through.

If you're currently in the mindset where all you can think about is taking
your startup to success and not caring about anything else like personal
relationships, it might be time for a change. Look not for random hookups, but
seek a real relationship with someone that matters.

~~~
soundararajan
That's the best ! (y)

------
aws_ls
I think competition is wired into us, so you are not the only one who goes
through this. Just try to keep it within a healthy range. Enough to know
what's going on, but less than what gets you worked up about it. Not easy.

Personally, am fine with moderate success and having my time free to pursue
interests - learning, reading, etc. But I am bothered about it, when friends
ask me about it. As in general, if someone has chosen an off beat path (i.e.
startup or similar or anything other than _normal_ corporate life) people have
more questions.

Also, we all wish that we ought to be more successful than we are. Am middle
aged (40s), so have some regrets about not investing better. Not that have
done bad. But could definitely have done better, if devoted more time on it,
than focusing 100% of energy on startup.

Added later: (In the vein of some other comments) Today morning, I did an
exercise, of trying to remember, how many people I have helped in life, in a
way that their life got better. And also trying to remember how many people
who helped me in a similar way. The exercise left me happier. Just stating it
here, to say there are several ways of measuring our lives.

------
psyc
Work on not desiring outcomes so much. You have little control over it. Do the
best you can, and appreciate the journey. You can even learn to appreciate
pain and suffering as interesting phenomena. Meditation can make them less
overwhelming or vexing. Let go a little. Be in the moment. Notice and observe.
Judge yourself less. Enjoy cheap or free entertainment, fresh air, and
exercise.

------
sbinthree
Lots of good advise here. One further thought I would add based on recent
experience is to define.

Failure at my company is running out of money. The mission is one I want to
work on for a long time, so it's only failure if we run out of money. I'm not
measuring opportunity cost, it's our own capital, and it seems to be worth
continuing in a sense that we still have new ideas to try and customers to
talk to and learn from, so running out of money is failure and everything else
is learning and growing.

Failure in my personal life would just be failing to live up to my commitments
to the people that depend on me and that I care about. I choose what my
commitments are, and they are entirely internal to me and not comparable to
other people, so I have a strong internal locus of control about it and don't
worry about comparing myself to others.

Success is nebulous. Failure is pretty clear. If you are fear motivated like I
am, the lack of an apartment is more motivating than the fantasy of the
mansion. So that's how I have done it lately.

------
rootsudo
Ketamine. LSD. Significant Other. Money in the bank.

------
alex_hitchins
What means success to you? Why does that one thing matter more than others.
I've done this and realised that what I thought my yardstick for success was
more other peoples.

I don't know if it's on this topic, but the book "The Subtle art of not giving
a f*&k" is something I want to read (or listen to) as I think it's written to
help this mindset.

------
j45
There's a lot out there saying to focus on the journey and not the
destination.

The best advice a mentor gave me is to realize that the destination is
developing the best mindset for any journey.

There is no better feeling than learning, knowing and remembering where your
compass is headed and chasing after it without thinking of success, because it
is success.

Results, and progress become a product of multiple destinations on the
journey. What kind of mindset?

Reframe success to be having the opportunity to try things and learn things
every day. If you do the right things, and become the best you can be, success
will chase you.

The other is to learn a practice of patience while working hard.

In the meantime, grow. Travel to places that make you uncomfortable to widen
your spectrum of human experience - it will not only stretch you apart, it
will create space for new growth. The more life experience you have, the
better you'll know yourself, and the more well rounded you will become. It is
a self-feeding loop of positivity.

------
henryw
Exercise a lot. Practice yoga. Be detached from the uncontrollable outcomes
and focus all your energy on doing what you can do.

------
ecesena
Smaller goals, easily achievable.

This is true both for you, or if you're teaching to someone else. By creating
smaller goals, you can achieve them and get a sense of satisfaction, which is
very important to move forward.

Once you get use to this, you can extend the scope of your goals, and you'll
get smart enough to view even failures as partial successes, learn from what
you did bad, and build upon what you did right. But if you never experience
the satisfaction, you'll never be able to distinguish it in the chaos of
dissatisfaction and failure.

I'd recommend starting with 1 small easily achievable activity per week for a
month or two, and grow from there. This may include publish a 1min-read blog
post, create a small webpage, read N articles, etc. Don't overthink where you
want to go, just start by getting things done.

------
dopu
There's no point in your life where you'll cross some barrier and think "well,
I'm successful now." Stop caring about it so much and focus efforts on better
things: finding fulfillment in doing good work, nurturing relationships with
other people, and enjoying life.

------
matthewcford
Zuckerberg is a few years older than I am and I compared myself to him back in
the day. It's pretty easy to get depressed if you compare yourself to others.

I've found that focusing on yourself and not giving a shit about what other
people think worked for me, that and just doing the best you can.

------
rayalez
Realize that worrying has no value, it will stand in your way. It wastes your
time and energy, making you less likely to succeed.

Face the fact that a lot of things in your life are out of your control, and
the best thing you can do is steer all of your focus and mental energy away
from pointless anxiety and into taking the actionable steps towards your
goals.

Practice meditation to develop the skillset and mental discipline that will
allow you to focus on taking actionable steps instead of dwelling on stuff you
can't do anything about.

Always do your best relative to the state that you're in. Optimize your
knowledge (by learning and reading a lot), and behavior (by taking the right
action according to your best judgement). Beyond that - let go and let the
chips fall where they may.

------
cocoa19
I started going to the psychologist to work on my anxiety/depression and so
far I'm seeing good results.

A good psychologist will work on understanding the root cause of your
depression, make sure you acknowledge it, and change your thoughts and actions
so you can cure it.

I recommend giving it a try.

------
icc97
Talk to a psychotherapist.

You need someone to ask you probing questions about why you're depressed about
it.

If you can't afford to do it just write your thoughts down. I try to work my
way through my worst fears step by step writing each thought. Usually I find I
end on a positive note.

------
soundararajan
Define "Happiness" as your success criteria. Don't tie happiness with anything
materialistic, like "Learning ML", Spinning up a Bot in AWS, Doing that cool
BlockChain crashcourse, demos.

Do something to the _person_ you care about, (or) the _persons_ who care about
you. Like, go for a walk with them. Speak about all the moments that you
missed to recognise/understand/been insensitive to them.

After all "Succesful" is like a user story that your product manager promised
to fill the "acceptance criteria" for. That will never have an end. Succesful
is a state of mind like depression and you have the choice to choose between
being succesful or depressed in whatever you do.

All the best.

------
gist
Well for sure it's harder in this day and age because you are exposed to so
many people who appear to be successful and/or flawless (repeat 'appear').
Generally prior to the internet at least when I was growing up not the case.
Like I am sure my dad never lost any sleep over how rich Howard Hughes was
(the de facto billionaire of our day). There was of course variations of 'the
rich guy in the neighborhood' [1] but you could normally identify flaws in
them to make yourself feel better about why our house was smaller or your car
was less expensive.

[1] As it happens that guy in particular who bought his 16 year old son an
expensive car (for that time period) ended up in bankruptcy.

------
j0hnny_r3db34rd
Sell everything you own, buy some land in the country, quit your job and just
chill out. Grow a garden, raise some chickens, go to farmer's markets and sell
your wares. The happiest people I know quit tech years ago and became small-
time farmers.

~~~
maxxxxx
You forgot the first step for this which is to be independently wealthy and
not actually need the income from your little farm.

------
JSeymourATL
> How to stop feeling depressed about whether you will be successful?

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to
choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” ―
Viktor E. Frankl

You may find Frankl an excellent read for perspective >
[https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/4069.Man_s_Search_for_Me...](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/4069.Man_s_Search_for_Meaning)

------
gkya
Define "success" for yourself, instead of defining it based on the stories of
extraordinary individuals, or on what others define as successful.

Also, understand that success is a temporary, fleeting thing. You'll be
successful, but when you'll be alone with yourself, in your bed, in the
bathroom, with earbuds in in the car or the bus etc., if you're not happy or
at peace, than that's worth nothing.

Are these cliches? Yes. But they are so for a reason.

------
chegra
Hmm...

My advice to you is you got to keep moving. Right now you are sitting down
trying to figure things out. WRONG.

Don't try to figure things out. Take action. Move so much that you don't have
time to think about how unsuccessful you are. And If you are moving, might as
well do something useful.

The easiest way I know how to change my emotions is just start doing
something, anything. Go for a walk. Write a blog post.

Also, if you your room is messy and disorganise, might want to start with that
first.

------
bsvalley
You need to define “successful”. To me success goes like this: physically
healthy, emotionally connected to your close family, a place to stay, enough
money to eat and take care of you and your loved ones if you’re not single
(spouse, children). That’s alteady a lot. Luck is a big part of that success
so if you can check all these boxes, you’re doing very well. Oh... and the
rest is 100% extra.

------
blymphony
If you want more information than can be given by a comment from a friendly
stranger, I’d suggest reading “How to Be an Imperfectionist” by Stephen Guise.
Although I’d assume that most of the advice in this book is obvious to most
people, for a “perfectionist” like me, it helped me to unravel my illogical
views of success and personal expectations that I had built over the course of
my life.

------
moorage
My whole perspective changed greatly when I started to define success to be
focused on what I want to be true about how I spent my time each day (e.g. on
something I was truly passionate about), rather than an outcome like some
financial event or some position.

Of course, it took me years to figure out what I would be passionate about
doing that I would also earn a living off of!

------
abtinf
You have to be careful in how you define “success” and recognize that you
cannot achieve it by aiming for it as an abstract goal unto itself. Instead,
you have to introspect and work toward your personal values. For an extended
discussion, listen to this podcast:

[https://youtu.be/eok34BJwIm4](https://youtu.be/eok34BJwIm4)

------
bigbluedots
You, like me and the rest of us, have a limited amount of time in which to
live. When you are gone, memories of you and your achievements in life will
fade, and eventually disappear - regardless of how much of an impact you made.
So, whether you are a 'success' or otherwise doesn't matter at all on a long
enough time scale. Does that help?

------
bonestamp2
It's not specific to success, but my friend recently launched an anti-anxiety
website with tips based on published research papers. You can click the
"source" link in the bottom left to see the science journal the tip is based
on.

[http://howdoifeellessfuckinganxious.com](http://howdoifeellessfuckinganxious.com)

------
probinso
Multiple critically important things in your life. Prioritize all of them, and
set boundaries to maintain this with yourself and others.

This allows your metrics of success to be distributed, success in any topic on
your critical list will tend to outweigh your stresses. Also your successful
topic will likely rotate among these as nature allows.

argmax happiness through ensemble methods

------
amorphous
Sorry for being cliche but since you have time and energy to worry about being
"successful" it means you are already successful. All your basic needs are
taken care of, otherwise it wouldn't even appear to you ask this question. The
freedom to worry about "success" is a privilege few people on this planet can
afford.

------
gnbfulbvgjbvv
Since you’re likely young and able, keep in mind you’re not old or dead. Life
is very much more or less predictably finite, so being young with the
opportunity to possibly be successful should drive you.

Better to be in a position where there’s still time to be successful, rather
than old, homeless, sick, estranged, destitute, and desiring only to die.

------
toast0
Try being a pessimist, it's the best way to be happy.

Assume you will fail. If you're right, it feels good to be right. If you
succeed, well it feels good to succeed, and you can ignore your failed
prediction.

Also, try lowering your standards. You must know (of) someone who is doing
worse than you. Compare to them, instead of to someone who is doing better.

------
jordz
Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.
- Winston Churchill

I don’t normally take these kind of quotes to heart but having a constant fear
of failure and wondering what success is I think the above for me really helps
put this in context.

------
jkaljundi
If you have a room to live in and food on your table, you already are
successful. Enjoy life.

~~~
iamben
But the brain doesn't work like that. It's a bit like telling someone who's
depressed "next time you feel down, just smile!"

I understand what you're getting at, but I don't think it helps.

------
vitro
Enjoy the process, do your best and don't be too obsessed with the result.

You will learn something along the way, anyway.

I have some failed projects behind me, but do not regret it, it was a nice
time spent with other people and it got me where I am now.

Fail again, fail better.

Good luck.

------
chrisper
The problem with success is that it makes you always look forward. But
sometimes you need to take a break and look back at your achievements sofar.
It helps to look at them independently and not comparing with other people.

------
amrrs
This whole book - The subtle art of not giving a F __* is based on this point.
Mark Manson has done an amazing job of listing out how this could be handled.

------
DoreenMichele
First, figure out why this is an issue for you. Once you have the answer to
that, it will be a vastly easier problem to solve.

------
antisthenes
Measure success against your past self, not against your "dream goal" or
against the most successful of your peers.

------
DyslexicAtheist
define and potentially reevaluate what success means to you. chances are that
goal will shift considerably with lifes up and downs over your next 20-40
years, not once but several times. Acknowledging these changes, reduce a lot
of stress, as you realize most of what you feel strongly about doesn't matter
any more in a few years

------
wiz21c
A sentence I like (and often forgot :() : "The process is the purpose"

------
B1FF_PSUVM
Er ... is that a trick question?

Given that over 99.99% of the population cannot possibly be defined as
"successful" by most standards (unless "eating and breathing" qualify), why
would you make your life even harder with that?

~~~
DoreenMichele
_unless "eating and breathing" qualify_

There are people who legitimately have trouble with that who would be thrilled
if they could pull that off better.

------
crorella
Don’t worry and just do things you enjoy

------
joeberon
You could try SSRIs, they worked for me

~~~
drake01
Please visit a psychiatrist; Let them decide if you need SSRIs.

~~~
brookside
Psychiatrists don't have special powers when it comes to choosing an SSRI, the
process is almost entirely trial and error.

There is nothing wrong with going to a general practitioner, trying Lexapro,
and if you don't feel anything on that, trying Wellbutrin, and then on down
the line.

If you administer the Beck Depression inventory to gauge your own mood on some
consistent basis before and after starting antidepressants you will be
introducing far more of the scientific method into the process than most
psychiatrists will.

[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beck_Depression_Inventory](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beck_Depression_Inventory)

------
moron4hire
Go talk to your doctor

------
miloshadzic
Get off Hacker News

~~~
aws_ls
May be filter HN, for not reading stories that make you feel worse about
yourself. I just looked at my saved stories, based on that, I would say "not,
at all" to leaving HN. Sample below:

1\. Ethereum programming for web developers (happyfuncorp.com) 202 points by
aaron_p 45 days ago | un-favorite | 76 comments

2\. Email is your electronic memory (fastmail.com) 1248 points by brongondwana
18 days ago | un-favorite | 287 comments

3\. The Great American Share – Sam Altman Interview on Basic Income
(spectacle.com) 134 points by kevin 81 days ago | un-favorite | 375 comments

4\. How Roy Baumeister challenged the idea of self-esteem (2014) (medium.com)
141 points by evilsimon on Feb 15, 2015 | un-favorite | 82 comments

5\. SpaceX’s Falcon Heavy successfully launches (techcrunch.com) 2968 points
by mpweiher 26 days ago | un-favorite | 888 comments

6\. Stanford CS007: Personal Finance For Engineers (cs007.blog) 1089 points by
destraynor 3 months ago | un-favorite | 345 comments

------
everyone
Whats successful?

------
baq
stop caring.

------
glibgil
Maintain multiple independent identities. Exercise and make friends with
people who do your preferred activity.

If you have a startup or a high profile job, blog or tweet as your own persona
about topics that do not fall under your line of work, but are still
interesting to you.

Keep up friendships and dating and when you talk about work, only do so when
it is a good story.

Socialize with people that live differently than you. There’s nothing as
encouraging as talking with a bartender your same age that has a few
housemates and can’t decide if they should go to grad school. You realize that
you have lots of time to figure things out and to try many things in life

~~~
pjc50
"Maintain multiple independent identities" is extremely good advice.

As a student I had a moment when I decided that the standard geek "identity
package" of things one was supposed to like and do was ... limiting, and that
it would be better to have a wider set of interests.

~~~
jxub
Accepting the "package" is almost like embracing a cult, the cult of
conformity, making itself easier to predict and monetize by the omnipresent
algorithms of the tech giants that seem to have replaced god by a lot of data-
crunching, leaving humanity to devise new schemes of control.

This is a rejection of the process of discovery of oneself and of a, somehow
Nieztschean, independent and autonomous path in life.

Independent identities allow you to construct your being with many different
fragments and melt them into one, like a Picasso painting or Vivaldi's Four
Seasons play.

