
The Myth of Quality Time - kareemm
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/09/06/opinion/sunday/frank-bruni-the-myth-of-quality-time.html
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david927
We will find out in the years to come that presence (non-distracted, non-
judging, authentic presence) is like sunlight to whoever you give it to.

You want your child to grow (intellectually, emotionally, etc.)? Be present.
Watch them (with silent happy interest) while they're playing. Look into their
eyes. Talk to them and be interested in what they're telling you.

Presence is so deeply important in a way we still can only guess at. And the
lack of it is so much more harmful than we yet know.

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lsd5you
Not disagreeing with the premise (far from it) but how on earth can you be
simultaneously completely sure about this and claim it is also something that
is largely unknowable ('so deeply important in a way we still can only guess
at')?

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B-Con
As with many things, I think time spent is best a balance of the two sides
(quantity vs quality). Quantity means little if you're constantly distracted,
and quality means little if you don't have enough to warm up the engine.

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lukevdp
Agreed, I think the author is saying quantity has a quality of its own

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yitchelle
I guess the every family is different. The key is to being present, either
physically, or virtually via one of the many social networks. Just being able
to reach out is important.

I just finish Scott Berkun's frank novel [1] about his relationship with his
father. It pains me to see how Scott's attempts to reach out his father goes
unanswered. Unfortunately, he was not successful is forming a close bond with
his father. One takeaway I got from Scott's book is to create access for you
and your family to connect. Without this access, communication is not possible
even if you want to. Obvious but easy to forget.

[1] - [http://scottberkun.com/the-ghost-of-my-
father/](http://scottberkun.com/the-ghost-of-my-father/)

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kak9
Could you elaborate on creating access?

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yitchelle
I am far from an expert in creating access for communications.

I know that it must be handled with deliberate diplomacy and tact. If not, the
other party could see this action as imposing and could shut down any attempts
on your part to create that access. This is even more important when it comes
to family members because the emotional investment is a lot higher.

Good luck!

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klean92
I find the quality of the writing quite impressive. Probably because it is
vocabulary rich, with very well built sentences, while avoiding being pompous.

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gdubs
What I like about this is it's basically advocating that quality time is a
'flow' activity, that requires adequate time, and the right environment, for
flow to occur.

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Kenji
Wow. I expected some pointless 'mi mi feelings' garbage but it actually had
content and conveyed a message. He has to realize, though, that this is not
possible for all families because some people just don't get along (or
unforgiveable things happened between them), and then such a week together
would be a torture. While I agree with him on how bonding works, I want to
carefully select the people with whom I spend this amount of time. Because
social interaction is very tiring and ultimately unrewarding if I put up with
the wrong people.

Also, klean92 is right, the quality of the text is good and it was a pleasant
read.

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OpenDrapery
Agree, to get quality time you need quality people. This is hard to achieve
with a group larger than, say, 3 people.

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joss82
Seriously? One week is too long to spend with those you love? Seriously?

One week per year is barely 2% of your time!

One week is too short!

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jasode
_> Seriously? One week is too long to spend with those you love?_

The author was talking about "extended" family and not the core family of
blood relatives. It's understandable that nieces & nephews don't necessarily
look forward to spending A WHOLE WEEK with Uncle Bob's annoying 3rd wife. A
lot of extended family members can only tolerate each other in small doses and
forcing themselves into a week-long retreat in a confined space would be
torture.

Every family is different and unless there's some external circumstance (e.g.
military deployment), the relatives settle into their own rhythm in the
quantity of contact. For example, some adult daughters talk to their mothers
every single day, multiple times per day. This would drive some husbands crazy
and they're happier with a wife that chats with her mom once a week along with
the annual Thanksgiving dinner at the mother-in-law's house. At that
frequency, there is genuine peace and harmony. Any more than that and people
start plotting murder.

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notlisted
Nice. I recognize the feelings/experiences he describes. My grandmother's
birthday used to be the weekend we all got together with the extended family.
She had 8 kids, who each had three kids, some of whom had their own, etc. so
the group was quite a bit larger (80+ including her great-grandkids). She
passed 4 years ago at the age of 96 and the get-togethers have stopped. I kind
of miss them. It was a great way to experience "the circle of life." Have a
few nice "4 generations in one picture"-shots.

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sanjaynegi89
awesome

