
Ask HN: Are you ok? - quantumwoke
<a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.ruok.org.au&#x2F;" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.ruok.org.au&#x2F;</a><p>My Australian friend just linked this to me and I thought it would be good question to ask HN. IME HN and perhaps software development in general contains a lot of at-risk personalities in stressful work environments that don&#x27;t get asked this question enough. I think you are all interesting, intelligent, hard-working people and mental health is unfortunately still stigmatised in the tech community. Feel free to ask  any coworkers today who have been struggling as well.
======
Waterluvian
I recently experienced months of sleeping problems. Where I wouldn't sleep for
days. Or would sleep a few hours. I would be exhausted and my head would hit
the pillow and BAM adrenaline and I can hear my heart pounding and I'm awake.
It got so bad I would go into the basement and destroy a wall that I kept
repairing. I would cry in frustration. I started to have suicidal thoughts. It
was harming my marriage and made me a crappy father.

I've seen a psychologist before for other things but there's just something
about me that makes me stubborn. I should have seen one again but I never got
around to it. I kept self-justifying that "new idea X" would be what fixes the
problem.

I think the issue was subconscious because if you asked, I couldn't tell you
what was bothering me. But I think it might be about being this pillar of my
family, the sole breadwinner, and had a toddler and a baby and a mortgage and
a new remote job all within 2 years. Everything piles on and there's a ton of
good reasons to feel anxiety.

Anyways, you know what ended up changing everything and making me sleep like a
baby? World of Warcraft Classic. I used to never find time for gaming. Or
games would never keep my attention. I would always wander off to the huge
list of things I need to be doing to be a good worker, dad, housekeeper,
husband. But I got into WoW for chuckles and got hooked on having 3 hours a
night to just do stupid pointless stuff in a fantasy world. And now falling
asleep feels so different. My brain is relaxed, replaying some of the moments
from the video game in my daydreaming imagination. And before I know it, I
wake up rested and energized and actually looking forward to experiencing the
next day.

~~~
crescentfresh
There's something deeper here that runs counter to the generally accepted idea
that lights from screens at night disrupts the body's circadian rhythm and
keeps us awake. Anecdotally I know that I can go from "can't sleep; thinking
about everything I have to do tomorrow" to asleep in 10 mins opening my phone
and browsing reddit - in dark mode no less, makes me feel better about doing
it - and reading mindlessly. Emphasis on mindlessly.

~~~
dwild
In the past I read something interesting about falling asleep. We all know how
smoking, looking at a screen, eating sugar, etc... are all pretty bad to fall
asleep, but actually what's helping the most isn't not doing theses things,
it's the routine that you have before sleeping. Someone that does theses
things every night, will have a much harder time to go to sleep if he doesn't
do theses. Ideally it would be to just suck it up until you build an healthier
routine I guess, but if your sleep is fine, why bother really? Just keep the
routine that works for you.

~~~
qorrect
I like this idea a lot. I don't really struggle with sleep, I don't get
enough, but it's because I'm desperate to enjoy the free time I'm left with
after work and responsibilities and ended up getting to bed late.

------
anon9001
I'm shocked at how many people seem to be doing OK or have minor complaints.

For me, I've realized that if I have to do anything for 40+ hours a week on a
schedule, after a couple of weeks, I'd prefer being dead.

I could be a professional ice cream taste tester or race car driver, and after
about 3 weeks of showing up at a fixed time and putting in 8 hours, I'd still
be ready to off myself again.

When I have week-long breaks from work (like holidays mixed with PTO), I
regain the will to live and there's so much I want to do, and I'm so sad about
how much time I've wasted. I start projects, I start forming relationships, I
feel happiness. Then I go back to work, and the suicidal tendencies are way
stronger than before I left.

The best way for me to survive seems to never allow myself time off of work,
because I dare not remind myself of what a free life would be like, or I might
not be able to endure my current circumstances for another day.

I just don't understand how people function as workers in society. I hope I
can retire before this kills me.

~~~
kerkeslager
Start your own business, work fewer hours, and take the cut in pay. That's
what I did, and I have no regrets. It's the best decision I ever made.

~~~
mdorazio
In my experience this is pretty bad advice for a lot of people. Starting a
business is 1) almost always more time consuming and stress-inducing than
working a normal job, 2) tends to end up being 20% the stuff you enjoy doing
and 80% the stuff you don't, and 3) has an incredibly high chance of being
really bad for you financially.

A potentially better solution several of my friends have pursued to good
effect is to get the hell out of the 9-5 world and work a non-office job.
Bartending is an example, another friend is now a baker, a third does event
planning. Etc.

~~~
TheOtherHobbes
It isn't necessarily more stressful and time-consuming.

The point isn't to "start a business", it's to carefully engineer a viable
business - which means doing solid research on customer numbers and
income/profit estimates, creating a system for acquiring customers, and so on.

Basically an adult plan. Not am impulse or hobby business.

And that includes setting work limits for yourself, so you don't become the
cliched 80-hr a week self-employed robot.

2) is certainly true. But it's true for any job. It's very rare for work to be
wholly positive, no matter what you do.

The most basic difference is that you have an internal locus of control. This
immediately removes a lot of stress, because you're no longer responsible for
cleaning up other people's mistakes, or pandering to unrealistic whims.

You're still vulnerable to macro-economics, although that's true of any job.
But you can also improvise and pivot your way out of difficulties - which is
much harder when you're being managed from above.

~~~
mdorazio
In theory, that's true but I think you're making it sound a lot easier than it
actually is. I don't know a single owner of a profitable business with
employees that works less than a $250k/yr FAANG engineer. I sure as hell
didn't any of the times I've run businesses. In general, you end up trading
one set of issues for another - typical employee frustrations for typical
business owner frustrations (closing new clients, dealing with employees,
fighting competitors, keeping clients happy, managing all the overhead
operations that come with business ownership, etc.)

It's possible to run a low-stress lifestyle business, but I would say it's not
the norm and tends to be fragile unless we're talking something like lone wolf
1099 contractor self-employed without significant family obligations.

~~~
tonyedgecombe
You don't have to take on employees. My one person business has been far more
stable than my previous employment. I can lose a customer and still pay the
bills, that wasn't the case when my only customer was my employer.

I agree with your original point, it isn't for everybody and it sounds like it
wasn't for you. But I know many people who have managed to fit their business
around their life rather than their life around their business.

------
godfreyantonell
I am doing ok. Thanks for asking. I am working in my first "hard tech" job
after graduating from the help desk. I am also working in my first real job. I
am in my late 40's. I am a Unix sysadmin for a fortune 10 company. I have some
old debts that I am slowly paying off. They are from years of bad jobs and bad
decisions. I am working on getting a better job, migrating into development.
My first HN comment. I hope I don't get faded away lol.

~~~
godfreyantonell
I said Fortune 10 and now realize that the company is in the Fortune 200.
Thanks for the encouragement nonetheless.

------
dyadic
Not really.

My country is being ripped apart, everyone seems so hateful against the other,
the government talks about record employment level and pay while people are
using foodbanks and sleeping in the streets.

My own life is great by the standards that people usually use to measure
success. But it feels so empty. I'd rather check out and go and live in a cave
on a hill, but all the land and caves have been parcelled off and sold before
I was even born.

So here I am, I continue to live, step over people on my way to work, where I
sit and help contribute to climate change, feel the guilt of all of it and
wanting to change it but without knowing how.

~~~
MentallyRetired
I'd ask what third world country you live in, but it really sounds like
America right now.

~~~
toyg
I’d bet good money parent was talking about the UK.

But yes, a lot of countries are like that at the moment.

~~~
dyadic
Yes, I'm in the UK. And yes, it does appear to be worldwide.

~~~
partomniscient
It's like, what do you do after you realise The Hoax? :
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2VIUcuF3KE](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2VIUcuF3KE)

~~~
switch007
I watched it 12 years ago stoned/drunk in uni. Good question. Can't say it got
any better

------
theanine
Thanks for asking. Not really, and it's 100% work-related. I dread coming in
to work and it's given me awful anxiety that's turned into occasional passive
suicidal ideation. Once I leave work, I feel like a totally different person
and all the symptoms disappear.

My boss calls me stupid, incompetent, r*tarded, and "like you have part of
your brain missing". He grills me on literally everything I do, like why I'm
getting up from my desk or why I'm eating what I brought for lunch. He
interrupts everything I say and puts me down in front of other people. He took
away benefits he knew I enjoyed, like being able to take college courses for
free in unrelated areas like music and ceramics, and he banned me alone from
making conversation with my work friends, and moved my desk away from them to
his office so he can watch everything I do. I'm underpaid ($40k/year) and
therapy sessions are $150 each, so I don't have much saved up to just quit and
search for new jobs full-time. He threatens to fire me almost every day. I'm
not sure how I'll ever get out, this started about a year ago and I've been
applying every day since but haven't found anything. It's hard for me to
believe that another job won't be the same thing.

Sorry if that's oversharing, but working here is draining my soul.

edit: thanks for all the support everyone, it means a lot :)

~~~
ishi
You are working in a TOXIC environment and obviously it's taking its toll. You
have to get out, or at least transfer to another team. You wrote that you went
to HR and they didn't help with your boss, but perhaps they CAN help moving
you to another team. And you wrote that you're applying for other jobs - it
can take time, just don't give up!

> It's hard for me to believe that another job won't be the same thing It
> won't be the same thing, because your current boss won't be there! Sounds
> like he's abusing you, and most likely your next boss won't behave the same.

~~~
smhenderson
Forgive if I missed something but where did the parent mention HR? I ask
because I agree with your assesment about the environment they are in and my
first thought was to ask "have you talked to anyone in HR?".

Otherwise totally agree, especially the part about not giving up!

~~~
ishi
My goodness! I'm positive the poster wrote something about talking to HR and
they said others complained too but nothing ever changes. Did he edit his
post, or am I hallucinating?

~~~
smhenderson
Not sure, that's why I asked. :-)

Maybe confused it with another post? I do that a lot around here... And there
seems to be a lot of people today in similar situations.

Regardless, as others have mentioned, the environment they are dealing with is
wrong and if HR isn't the solution perhaps legal action that others mentioned
would be the way to go.

To the parent poster, I hope things get better soon for you. Stay strong and
do your best to get out of there as soon as possible!

------
SeeDave
I am 'OK' in the sense that I like all of my colleagues and really do enjoy my
work as a technical product manager.

What's not 'OK' is that a snake-oil salesman/professional bullshitter who
calls himself an 'Agile Consultant' has embedded himself in the organization.
He's an all-talk arrogant blowhard with a savior complex centered around
rescuing us from 'Waterfall'.

What's not 'OK' in my personal life: I've been having a difficult time
attracting and maintaining the interest of intellectually/romantically
compatible women in the brutally competitive SF Bay Area dating scene for late
20s/early 30s geeky dudes. That's my fault though... I really need to start
working out, eating healthier, whiten teeth, dress better, get a life outside
of work, buy a car, and learn how to _have fun_ again.

~~~
Bootwizard
Well I gotta say, I've worked in Waterfall and now Agile and I couldn't even
explain how much better it is. I feel like I can actually do my job now
instead of worrying every day about process. You won't know how much better
you're going to have it until you switch.

Waterfall is a shackle around your hands and feet keeping you from getting
actual work done.

That being said, if you have an Agile consultant who is not able to convince
you (because he doesn't sound like a nice person to work with) that sucks, and
I hope you can find someone else.

~~~
SeeDave
I totally understand Waterfall vs Agile. Story points, grooming, estimates,
continuous release, potentially shippable product, etc.

I actually agree with the Scrum Guide [0], so my problem isn't with Agile;
it's with this specific Agile Consultant who doesn't seem to "get" that
process is often a proxy for talent/trust/respect and is just winging-it/BSing
us all.

Imagine Bill Lumbergh from Office Space with a ton of two-day CS[a-Z]+
certifications who has never written a single line of code, designed a
relational database, spec'ed out an API, etc. micromanaging every meeting
while fundamentally misunderstanding the concepts of "collaboration" and
"cross-functional teams." He knows what to talk about but has such a
superficial understanding that he doesn't know why it's useful or when to
apply concepts. Google 'Cargo Cult Agile'

[0] [https://www.scrumguides.org/scrum-
guide.html](https://www.scrumguides.org/scrum-guide.html)

~~~
Bootwizard
Well that does suck. I had the opposite experience with Waterfall and Agile.

My previous job (Waterfall) used such a heavy process that I was coding 10% of
the time. Which is what I was hired to do. I'm a software engineer. Coding 10%
of the time is unacceptable. But everyone working there had been doing that,
some of them for 20+ years. It was like a prison sentence.

Luckily I was able to escape and got a fantastic job working at a small game
studio that loosely uses Agile. The process is the last thing on my mind, and
most days I don't even look at our Jira board. Maybe once or twice a week I
look at it.

------
codingstuffs
Appreciate the question. Not particularly - the work culture at my current
employer is slowly killing me.

I have managed (through meds/therapy) depression/anxiety. The startup I'm
currently working for has no work/life balance, which is severely starting to
affect my health.

Engineers are on call all the time. Having to check email on nights and
weekends is just a normal week now. There is very little task management, so
everything is an emergency and needs to be done right away, regardless of
prior tasks or schedule. My previously managed anxiety has gotten much worse
from all this.

I'm burnt out, trying to make it another couple months to have enough saved up
to take a sabbatical. There are days when I just want to quit and go buy a
cabin somewhere and live there for a few years. I'm struggling.

~~~
midwestcode
Hey, I've been there! Still recovering from the burnout almost a whole year
later in a new role.

I encourage you to try hard to set boundaries. Only be available after hours
by direct phone calls, if possible. Set boundaries on phone calls, especially
when you aren't on-call (i.e., "No, I cannot help with this right now, it will
have to wait until work hours."). Stop checking into e-mails and work content
outside of work. Stay away from politics, news, and other potential stressors
for now. Don't think that you always have to exceed expectations. Doing "okay"
is an option. Failing is an option. In a start-up, I'm not sure if this logic
follows, but in larger corporations it absolutely does... I'd say I wouldn't
want to work at a start-up if they didn't support that though!

In the meantime (and I know this is really tough to juggle), I highly
recommend seeking out a different role if you can. If they're doing it to you
now, they will always do it to you. You need to get out if it's not serving
you well. There are better positions out there. No promotion is worth the
amount of mental recovery you'll need to do afterwards.

That's my take coming out of a similar position... YMMV, take it all with a
grain of salt. Also I'm glad to hear you're seeking out therapy. It saved my
life during those dark days.

Best of luck, stay strong, you've got this --

~~~
codingstuffs
I really needed to hear this today, thank you.

It helps to hear from others who have gone through the same thing, and who
have come out the other side. Glad that you made it out, and hopefully I will
too soon.

------
satokema
Nth-ing no social life and the related whines.

I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a
software engineer.

I hate having eclectic or traditional "nerdy" interests and getting a similar
reaction. I've been enjoying Classic, and I have a small online circle for the
niche games/music/art I like.

I hate that I like these things in spite of the detriment to my social benefit
to liking them. I have no interest in turning off that part of my brain so I
can fit into the sportsfan stereotype or netflix-watcher or chronic-substance-
abuser or extremely-self-improving-gogetter.

Work is okay most of the time, as long as it's about work. The environment is
pretty lack and understanding. Having a non-work conversation is sometimes
impossible because there's barely overlap, depending on the person.

Basically, it's just existential dread. That I have nothing to look forward to
but more of the same of this, and the few people I have contact with disappear
in one way or the other. Sometimes I ask, why bother?

~~~
teppifk
> I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a
> software engineer.

Most software engineers have a healthy circle of friends and social life.

> I hate having eclectic or traditional "nerdy" interests and getting a
> similar reaction.

It's not any different when an electrician, lawyer or a doctor wants to talk
shop. Most people you will interact with don't have the same interests as you.

> I have no interest in turning off that part of my brain so I can fit into
> the sportsfan stereotype

Virtually no one fits cleanly into stereotypes. Stereotypes are useful for
generalizing groups, not individuals. "Sportsfanning" is highly correlated
with a rich social life, but you are confusing cause and effect.

> That I have nothing to look forward to but more of the same of this, and the
> few people I have contact with disappear in one way or the other. Sometimes
> I ask, why bother?

All of the rationalization about software engineering, "nerdy" interests is
leading you astray. None of those are barriers to a fulfilling social life.
Your social life issues are due to any number of problems. It could be
depression, anxiety, it could be poor social skills. It is possible (maybe
less likely) that you have little interest in deep social connections, but you
have to evaluate carefully whether you are really unhappy with just a small
online circle, or are you just worried because you appear away from the norm.

In any event I encourage you to think deeply about your situation. If you want
to change anything, quitting software engineering won't help. It will most
likely require a great deal of struggle. Depression and anxiety are not easily
shaken off. Learning social skills like most things is harder later in life. I
can assure you people in your position have improved, but only after taking
stock of what is holding them back and seeking appropriate assistance.

~~~
Jenz
> it could be poor social skills.

Is this an area where you can improve? My social skills are abyssmally non-
existant... I am in a suprisingly similar situation to satokemas, all but the
fact that I do not ever doubt "why bother" (I love the world) and I go to high
school— I don’t work, that is.

I’ve been alone for two years in school now, although I just recently got one
friend that is very understanding, though I guess I’ll still be alone almost
all the time, this last year of school.

This is sad, I don’t like things being sad. Therefore I want to do something
about it...

~~~
dc90
You can improve, as everything, with enough trying and failing :).

I did almost all of the school years mostly alone: I connected with very few
people, even at university, mostly because i always had the anxiety of "what
if I fail", "what if they don't like me".

After starting to work and after changing country twice (trying to change
everything i didn't like about myself every time) the biggest lesson I think I
learned is that basically everybody has always the same self-doubts, internal
problems, etc. Everybody has a life as difficult and complex as yours, but you
can just see the external side of it (the side they want to show you).

It's just not worth keeping up a fake image of yourself and never "risking"
doing something because of fear of what happens, just live life doing what you
love/feel like, and you'll find other people that like you for whatever you
really are :)

In 5 years from now nobody from your school will remember even the biggest
failures (and even if someone does, chances are you won't meet them again - if
you don't actively work together to remain friends). So go out and try talking
to new people, open up about what you _really_ like to some trustworthy-
looking people and see if they like something that you like too :)

~~~
Jenz
Thanks, this sounds nice.

Complex things, us humans...

------
protectid
I am in software development but my troubles are at home. This is why I am
using a throwaway. I am bad with relationships. There two sides to every story
but this is my side. I have a quiet agreeable demeanor. Its a cultural thing
and a personality thing. Unless something is going to affect my life I tend to
agree. I seem to attract the opposite types of partner. My partners tend to do
all the talking which is fine with me. I am fine with most things except for
the things I believe in then I am very stubborn. When I put my foot down it
seems things just escalate. It seems to take my partners by surprise when I
disagree or put my foot down and they don't take it too well. Now I am not
sure anymore whether it is how I communicate that causes all my problems. I
just want peace so I acquiesce even though I know deep down I don't agree.
Well you guessed it, the peace doesn't last too long because I truly do not
believe in whatever it is I have agreed to. The arguments and accusations
escalate. I am heterosexual male. Typical items include me being told I am not
caring enough yet to me I feel like spend hours listening to my partner and
asking how they feel. I carry bags, fix plumbing, make the bed, sweep,
occasionally cook. I am just not the flower sort of guy but somehow nothing
ever seems good enough. I think I take criticisms to heart. I don't mind the
off argument or criticism but what kills me is that this seems to happen every
other day. I don't get enough time to recover my peace and self confidence
before another bout of criticisms gets thrown my way. Its been 5 years. I love
her very much, we have made some wonderful memories but honestly I cannot see
myself living like this for the rest of my life.

~~~
ethbro
I would have identified a lot with what you said, several years ago.

The key advice I'd give: _realize you are sabotaging your own relationships
when you don 't tell your partners how you feel about something._

This is not helping them, you, or the relationship out. It may feel like that
because there's "less" arguing, but ultimately you're just poisoning trust in
the relationship.

As proof, _why_ do you think your partners might react so negatively when you
do put your foot down? I'd offer it's because they're surprised. Completely
blindsided. Feeling like they don't know you at all. This doesn't lead to
comfort and intimacy.

I'm not saying argue about what kind of food to eat every night, but there's a
_huge_ spectrum of communication options between "I agree" and "Let's fight
about this." Use them. If you're annoyed by something, say so. If something
makes you smile slightly, say so.

Real relationships are built by deepening trust by letting your partner know
the real you. Not the "Sure, whatever you want" you. Even if you only have a
slight preference.

Constructively arguing, without overly hurt feelings on either side, is a
skill like any other. You're not going to get better if you only do it once a
year.

And finally... express your own needs. If she isn't doing things for you too,
then (a) you aren't being vocal enough about the things that make you happy or
(b) she just doesn't care.

Sometimes people just aren't well matched for each other. But I think more
often, one "quiet" partner never speaks up about the things they want / need /
don't want. And so your partner (who is not a mind-reader) just... doesn't.

Thus, you're unhappy. She's unhappy that you're unhappy. Relationship falls
apart.

tl;dr - Sometimes being pushier (in a respectful, active-listening,
considerate way) leads to _less_ conflict and more happiness in a
relationship.

Don't be scared to be the real you. If they don't like _that_ person, then
either work to change or break things off. No one should have to live hiding
themselves.

~~~
protectid
Thanks for taking the time to respond. You insights and advice have helped me
understand better what is going on. I also feel better about myself in that I
am not the only one who has gone through similar stuff. Something about
opening up to strangers on Internet :-).

~~~
ethbro
When it comes down to it, there is no one answer.

Because it's a skill (conflict resolution & communication) operating in a
complex environment (your relationship).

Be self reflective though: if you aren't getting the results you want, then
try different things.

------
klenwell
As a team lead, one question I always ask in my 1-on-1's:

 _On a scale of 1-5 (low good, high bad), what 's your stress level since we
last met?_

If my teammate says 4 or 5, I ask what we can do to bring it down to a 3.

We also address this as part of the simple assessment we do in each sprint
retrospective.

My company struggles to define meaningful KPIs and OKRs. This is the one
that's most important to me.

~~~
JaumeGreen
What if the stress is mostly from outside the job?

Some of it could be "solvable" (better pay, better hours, ...), but some of it
may not (family problems, health issues, ...).

Is it taken into account or addressed?

~~~
ptero
I think trying to solve personal (e.g., non work related) problems is a
minefield. I would not, as a team lead, go there beyond a generic offer to
talk. Most companies likely have standard policies for health and similar
personal issues and trying to make your own policy on any serious issue there
can backfire badly.

But job-related stress _is_ there and is often solvable (e.g., a developer may
be stressed if he committed to a a week's worth of work done in 2 days, etc.).
My 2c.

~~~
alkonaut
I was never stressed before becoming a parent. My job pressure is the same but
the combined stress is what hurts.

Flexible work hours, remote work and a strictly never-over-40-hours work week
has been absolutely essential to be able to cope _and_ still be a good parent
(hockey practice weekdays at 4 twice a week for example).

------
scriptkiddy
I feel like I'm fine. My job is OK. I'm not exactly passionate about the
specific piece of software I'm working on, but I work with some very smart
people who I learn a lot from, so that makes it a little less boring.

My employer has been letting me work from home as much as I want despite
having no official work from home policy, so that's contributing to a general
uptick in mental positivity. When I first started at this place I was
commuting 1.5 hours both ways. I would leave at 9AM and wouldn't get home
until 9 at night. It was destroying my will to do anything.

I've been hitting the gym 5-7 days a week and seeing some good progress. I
feel very physically fit.

I've made some new friends over the past couple of months which I feel really
good about since it can be so difficult to make friends as someone going into
their 30s.

Despite all of this, I still just feel like I want jump in my car and drive
around the country for a few months. I want to get out. I miss having
adventures.

Very few things in my life feel new and exciting anymore. The only time I ever
feel truly fulfilled is driving on a clear canyon road or hiking in the
mountains.

I don't think it's too bad though. I believe that every person feels this way
right around my age. I just need to make sure I don't settle for a boring and
unfulfilled life like so many people are willing to do.

~~~
sickygnar
> Despite all of this, I still just feel like I want jump in my car and drive
> around the country for a few months. I want to get out. I miss having
> adventures.

If you don't have any responsibilities besides yourself, then why not. If
you're good at what you do I'm sure they would give you a 3 month leave, or
let you work remote on the road.

I did it when I was 27. No ragrets. Bought an RV and saw 36 states in around 4
months. Did a lot of hiking, biking, and sightseeing. I was working remotely
during the time as well, had an unlimited verizon hotspot which worked great
in 95% of places (had to plan ahead a bit). After the 4 months I was pretty
much over it but so far I consider it my best life experience.

~~~
scriptkiddy
I have a girlfriend/soon to be wife that can't really go with me and I'd feel
really bad stepping out of her life for a few months.

I guess it could be something where I take a few months off and do a few days
at home and then a week or so on the road and then a few days at home, etc.

~~~
sickygnar
My girlfriend (now wife) went with me... she was the one that pushed me to do
it, otherwise I probably wouldn't have done it myself. It took a lot of
convincing. She was WFH so it didn't disrupt either of our work lives really.
The stars aligned, most people don't have the opportunity.

------
el_cujo
Nope. I hate my current job and am trying to pick up some new skills in my
spare time so I can switch, but its very hard to come home from my 9-5 and
feel motivated to study a new subject. Progress is extremely slow and often
feels hopeless. Any time I'm not studying I feel paralyzed by the stress of
knowing that I should be doing that instead, and yet I'm so far from being
done that I get no reprieve if I actually do sit down and study.

I don't think this is a unique situation, I'm sure a lot of people on this
site are in a similar boat. If you're reading this, I hope you find comfort in
knowing it's not just you.

~~~
ficklepickle
Once I stopped being hard on myself, motivation came easier. It is still hard
with a 9-5 though. Watch the negative self-talk. Negative reinforcement makes
me less motivated and more guilty. Be kind to yourself and celebrate the
little victories.

I also hate my job. Bad culture and unfulfilling. We will both find something
better in due time, I can feel it.

------
baalimago
Apart from the chronic daily suicidal thoughts, sure.

Ironically enough, always choosing the future-safe choice of education, jobs,
friends and so forth resulted into me not really wanting to have a future at
all. My new strategy of finding relationships which guilt me into staying
alive seems to be working out though. Good times.

Longing for that plane crash or random heart attack I couldn't prevent. Of
course I work out, don't do drugs (unless socially) and stay healthy enough to
mitigate any such thing though. I can't be known to be a quitter, then they
win.

Maybe it'll get better. Considering my age, chances are this is just a phase.
If nothing else I'll probably be able to write a very cynical book. Not that I
really care for anyone who would read it. Humanity is a cancer.

~~~
inthistogether
I'm so sorry. I'd offer a hug if possible.

1\. I agree - living organisms are inherently cancer. Especially humans.
However, I have come to accept without pain we cannot appreciate pleasure.

2\. I have a great job, wife, kids, etc. but still feel depression and have
suicidal thoughts. Do not feel guilty for them. Honestly, I might have killed
myself if I didn't have children.

I also look at the world negatively. That's what I'm trying to change.
Ignorance is bliss. If anything, work towards adding a rose-tint to the way
you see the world. If we do that, and choose to make positive contributions,
eventually we will outnumber the sour a$$-holes destroying us.

You can chat with suicide prevention online:
[http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineCha...](http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx)

~~~
baalimago
Thank you.

I've been through enough psychiatric care to know that the main prioritization
is the welfare invested into me, not actually who "I" am. They don't care, and
I get that. I've tried caring for those who are ill, it takes a heavy toll.

Always choosing to be positive is a main reason I am in the state I'm in. I
was always smart enough to rationalize away any negative emotions and actions,
which is why I'm not an addict, why I have a steady job and why everyone who
meets me gets greeted with the biggest smile and great humor. But logic can't
treat melancholia. It's highly illogical. And filtering negative emotions does
not automatically leave positives, which I found out about when it was already
far too late. Neutralization had become a habit. I wish I crashed in my teens
and got help when it would be helpful.

But there's nothing i hate more than my own death, so I try to make the best
out of it. I might not win all, but I'll avoid losing the game of life as long
as I can.

~~~
swagasaurus-rex
I think it's fine to feel the way you do.

It's impossible not to have negative emotions sometimes, unhealthy even if you
don't get the lows. I try not to let it ruin the highs for me, the good
moments only happen so often.

I'm sorry you didn't feel as if psychiatric care is not invested in who "you"
are. It takes not only an observant person, but also somebody who is
compatible in a psychological and conversational way.

In a round about way, I've found the best cure for the desire to be
understood, is to actually take time and understand others.

It is rare if not impossible to find somebody who 'fully understands me', but
sometimes you can find that you and somebody else understands another in small
but meaningful ways.

------
arandr0x
Pretty great, but in my experience with a time where I was struggling/my boss
was struggling/a coworker was struggling (different times), nobody is ever
going to answer this question truthfully and everybody will think you're a
threat for asking it.

list of things that in my experience may help if you suspect someone's not
right:

* not eating alone

* eating at all, but the above makes it likelier

* when people give feedback that can be difficult, and instead of expecting the person to have an answer or excuse ready, build in time "off" with no f2f

* during difficult meetings or occasions where outbursts are narrowly averted, ask the person their opinion after. feeling listened to helps.

* if the problem is someone is working "too hard", 100% they kind of hate their non-work lives. They may actually also hate work but work is something predictable. Send them to a conference somewhere.

* people who have no friends will usually tell you so in exactly those words in the right circumstances. Believe them, it's a huge (huge!) contributor.

------
1msi
No. I’ve been really stressed out about work. This was actually a very cool
job (8 minute commute, good coworkers) until about a month ago when a former
coworker got promoted to manager. Suffice it to say he’s not cut out for the
position. Our recent sprints have left me with fuck-all to do almost all the
time while being massively overworked the tiny remaining portion of the time.
Had a heart attack at work 4 weeks ago. I’m 29 with no other risk factors.

Add to this the fact that I recently discovered in my otherwise wonderful
relationship that my partner doesn’t deal with polyamory very well at all,
despite earlier expressions. I don’t blame her at all; you can’t know how
you’ll feel about something until it happens, but it’s killing me. I don’t
want to feel caged in, but I also feel like I wouldn’t enjoy any other
relationships without having her to come home to. Lose/lose.

In addition, my increasingly aging grandparents (91 and 90 years old
respectively) are requiring more and more care, and get more forgetful by the
day. I recently found out they’ve been spraying windex on themselves for some
sort of medical treatment? I have no fucking clue. Grandma always asks the
same questions and I always give the same answers. I see them every Saturday
to pick up my grandpa to get groceries.

Also, my actual home is a fucking mess. I’ve been letting a friend stay with
me for over two years now and they have trashed one room and moved on to
another because our AC is broken and the portable AC fits better in the window
of the second room. Things have marginally improved on this front after
telling them some things that seemed to get across how I was feeling.

I’ve been dealing with all this by eating massive quantities of clonazepam and
gabapentin every day for the last few weeks, but my supply is running thin.
I’m signed up for the motorcycle safety course in a week and I intend to get
my bike the same day I pass. Maybe I’ll die in traffic.

Anyway, thanks for reading my novel.

No, I’m not interested in therapy.

~~~
avl999
> Suffice it to say he’s not cut out for the position. Our recent sprints have
> left me with fuck-all to do almost all the time while being massively
> overworked the tiny remaining portion of the time.

This seems like something to bring up/address in the Sprint retrospective.
While I find that often retrospectives aren't very useful, this kind of
quantifiable and actionable thing is exactly what they are meant for.

------
GuB-42
As a software developer myself, I always wondered why it is considered a
stressful profession.

\- Most of us aren't going to kill ourselves or others in case we screw up.
The stakes may be higher for people working with safety critical systems, but
such systems often have multiple safeguards.

\- Most deadlines and time pressure are completely made up. So what if we
don't deliver on time? It is not like the fate of the world depends on the new
software version. It may be different for sysadmins though.

\- We usually have some flexibility. We are not like bus drivers who will
leave people stranded if we don't show up on time.

\- Our skills are valuable, if you are somewhat competent, you are pretty much
guaranteed to find work in your field. Maybe not a dream job, but at least
something better than a minimum wage gig.

Maybe that's a combination of artificial pressure with a high concentration of
people who have difficulty coping with stress. Anyways, I am not particularly
stressed, and neither are most of my coworkers and friends working in the
field. Some jobs look much worse to me: medical (people can die), construction
(risky), art (highly competitive market), ...

~~~
mikelyons
Its stressful for me because I'm running out of youth and I'm never going to
find a mate :( The women just aren't attracted to a guy like me, or aren't
interested in starting a family so much as poly-amory, drugs, revealing
festival costumes, junk media, sex work, alcohol, or anything other than using
their youth and looks for hedonism.

Edit: Obviously touchy, people actually have thoughts like this, how do we
lovingly and selflessly address this and actually turn someone around rather
than shaming them? (or is shame how we do it?)

Edit: How might you communicate about the thoughts that are going on in the
head of suicidal tech workers, without everyone assuming that you are the
person who is suffering that level of consciousness? maybe a disclaimer was
all people would have needed to understand that?

~~~
codesushi42
_The women... aren 't interested in starting a family so much as poly-amory,
drugs, revealing festival costumes, junk media, sex work, alcohol_

Yeah, it can't be _you_ , it must be _them_.

Back to the topic. This is what I hate about the tech profession: how it
perceives women. It is not healthy.

~~~
mikelyons
I don't think you can extrapolate the whole tech profession from one man's
unhealthy outlook.

Why we work and why we mate are all part of our survival, and that's what
generates these thoughts.

If I don't explain thoughts I've had and transcended in the past, that are
tied to work and survival, what use is the conversation, am I shamed for
sharing another aspect? or is it just too loosely related in your view.

~~~
codesushi42
I have no idea what you are trying to say.

But I will say this: stop blaming women for your shortcomings.

~~~
mikelyons
Yes this is excellent advice

------
no_wizard
I've struggled a lot in the last few months in particular. I feel extremely
isolated in my work. I don't feel like I have a good team environment right
now. Everyone is segregated across campus which in and of itself is okay (I've
done remote work stuff before, and been on teams where you didn't sit near
each other) but nobody talks to each other, like ever.

And I feel like I'm missing expectations because of it, and attempts at fixing
the situation just feel like it gets met with further isolation, which creates
even more anxiety. I think it might just be a bad fit, but I also feel like
I'm really struggling to keep up sometimes, because I want to do really good,
well tested, solid work, but I feel like my deadlines aren't set with my input
at all, they're simply dictated to me and I'm expected to just perform, on
demand, no matter how much time it takes, and the workload doesn't feel right
to me, or even similar to what other team members have to deal with. I
sometimes get the feeling I'm the odd person out on the team, but its hard to
say because there's little transparency. I even went as so far as to read past
reviews from my previous job and they all remark about how well I am a team
player, being open to feedback and new ideas I was, so I'm not sure why I'm
failing so bad at this one.

It never feels like I'm satisfying my boss and my peers seemed to have iced me
out.

~~~
dev_dull
Even if perception did not match reality in your case, that situation feels
crummy to me. We spend too much time at work to not feel a sense of competence
and accomplishment. Maybe it’s time to make hay in another field.

------
anonbpdev
I am OK, now.

In college, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder after staying awake for
three days and attempting suicide. I was hospitalized for a week, then had
delusions and depression that persisted for months. Two years later I had a
rough mixed episode. A year later I finished school.

I graduated with a social science degree and was lucky to get a customer
service job in online retail making $13 / hour. I worked there for several
years, taking abuse from regular American consumers. They would cuss me out
for trivial reasons, like if I couldn't give them a discount on an item they
had ordered if the price went down the next day. I held on because it almost
paid the bills.

I managed to get a better customer service job at another company with a train
commute. I studied coding on the train. I switched companies again, nearly
doubling my pay, and kept studying as much as I could.

Years later, I'm a real Software Developer and I make a pretty decent living.
More importantly, I've been asymptomatic for over ten years. I have a
successful career and have built a great life for myself. And I'm happy.

Would I feel comfortable sharing my story in a professional setting? Probably
not. It took some guts just to post this with a new account. I don't know what
will need to change for the mental health stigma to go away. For now, I will
probably continue to fly under the radar, maybe like many others.

Months ago a good friend was really battling depression. I wish I was better
at helping people in need, I wish I could just find the happiness switch in
their head and flick it to 'on'. But you can't usually fix another person.
They have to do it. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try, far from it.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is listen, try to understand, and help
them help themself.

Or open the door for them to ask for help. Like by asking, "Are you OK?".

------
hazeii
How did we even end up here?

As a greybeard, messing with computers has always been fun for me. Yet
somehow, slowly the system has morphed it into a way to grind talented people
into the ground with impossible deadlines and insane demands - to the point
where we need websites like this.

~~~
ibejoeb
Guess it depends on how grey. If you saw garage tinkering turn into a new
industry, it was probably fantastic. If you came up in the already
industrialized times, a job's a job, right?

From my perspective I'd say that programmers, in general, have it pretty good,
as jobs go.

That doesn't mean a programmer is going to be happy. You just might not be
happier doing anything else, either, and you might even dislike it more.
Imagine punching a clock, which is practically unheard of in the western
software industry...

~~~
hazeii
It's been good to me (my first home computer was a Z80 with 768 bytes of RAM,
my first pro job was to go onsite and sort a blown bulb in a paper tape reader
- that should say how grey :) ).

Punching in and out isn't so bad (I've done it), it's probably gone out of
fashion because then people would get paid for all the hours they work :)

What seems wrong nowadays is how exploited workers are (and not just
programmers).

------
risksorryclue
No.

I can't do my job without taking adderall, I end up drinking too much to goto
sleep, then slacking and falling behind and rushing to get everything finished
for a deadline. Then the requirements change with no warning and I'm expected
to have had both done.

My Manager and technical lead make development decisions even though they both
have zero experience with any part of our stack.

I have a mortgage on a house that I don't take care of, and I work from home
so I'm constantly reminded of my personal failures.

Most of my team is outsourced to another country, so I assume the writing is
on the wall. But I don't have the energy to start looking for something new.
Plus, since I work at home I haven't made as many close connections as I did
at previous jobs.

I spend more time being mad at myself for not improving my life than actually
trying to improve.

I don't invest any time in my hobbies or with friends. My friends don't even
bother inviting me anywhere anymore.

I just placate myself with youtube and comedy waiting until I pay off my
mortgage and my kid is self sufficient. Though when that happens I have no
plans, or goals, or dreams.

Bleh, it could be worse, I make a very good living, and have a marketable
skillset. I'll be fine, but it felt good to have a pity party for a second.

------
UseStrict
No, I'm really not okay. My current job is insanely unfulfilling, but I need
to keep up appearances so I don't go bankrupt. I am saddled with a lot of
debt, some of it stupid decisions, some of it valid, all of it soul crushing.

I moved to a new city for my current job with a referral from a friend. But I
have struggled to make meaningful relationships here in the last year. This is
also impacting my career as while there are a lot of jobs here, I have none of
the networking.

Trying to work on a SaaS product I intend to launch, but I keep getting
paralyzed by the scale of it all. I end up spending most of my time alone in
my apartment.

~~~
inthistogether
To be blunt, my life is great on the surface. I am the cause of my own issues,
usually, because I am very unfilled, depressed, etc.

You're not alone.

I have learned that single-person businesses often fail because we lack
support and accountability. Consider finding someone to work with you. It
might become a strong bond. Try meetup.com and "ProgrammingPals" on reddit.

Good luck.

------
hntemp190912
No.

My work stress level is basically maxed out and has been for a long time. I'm
not coping with it.

I can't sleep well, and at night my thoughts are filled with ideas of suicide.
The thought of putting a gun to my head is calming, like I'd finally be able
to relax. I imagine a lot of elaborate and violent ways to go, and these
thoughts seem to be the only things that relax me enough to fall asleep.

There's no point to anything I'm doing, to any of the money I'm making, my
future looks just like my past, I'm going to work until I die anyway, and I
hate working, so why even keep going? I have literally nothing to look forward
to. I think the only thing keeping me alive is the fear of actually going
through with it.

~~~
DoofusOfDeath
I'm really sorry. I can relate a little about the work anxiety, but a lot
about the existential dread.

While I don't have any pat answers for you, I'd like to encourage you about
the existential anxiety you feel. If my personal experience is anything to by,
you have a few reasons for hope on that front.

First, unless you've thoroughly explored a lot of world views, you can hold
out hope that you'll find one that you conclude is true and which gives
ultimate meaning to your time on earth.

Second, in my experience the _acuteness_ of existential dread doesn't stay in
the foreground forever. At the very least you might find relief by distracting
yourself with video games, good movies, etc. But with some effort you can
develop friendships that buoy your spirits and take your focus away from
yourself.

I hope you play the long game on this. Having been in a similar place as you,
I found that life can indeed get much better.

~~~
hntemp190912
I've already put the effort into developing friendships... I moved back to my
childhood home where I'm close to family and many of my life-long best
friends. I see them all the time now.

It doesn't matter. None of it is making me think life is worth it at this
point. So what, so I get to see family and friends? Then what? I go back to
bed and want to die again.

My world view is mostly rooted in Camus's writing on the myth of Sisyphus.
There's no point to any of it, life is absurd, but the daily struggles I go
through are supposed to be enough to fill my heart.

Until they aren't any more, and any way out seems better than repeating the
same shit day in, day out, where days blur together and I'm treading water
until I die.

My thoughts aren't on my existential dread 100% of the time, but they seem to
be my baseline. They're what I return to when things get quiet and I'm trying
to sleep. When I fail at a project and I have to start over. When the weed
wears off. When I wake up. When I'm not actively distracting myself.

~~~
carapace
Two things:

This too shall pass.

You can be happy for no reason at all.

HTH

~~~
DoofusOfDeath
> You can be happy for no reason at all.

I can't presume to speak for the OP, but a statement like that might not help.
(I don't mean you shouldn't have posted it; just that it may not have the
positive effect on the OP that you're hoping for.)

For some people with existential dread, the "no reason at all" aspect is the
exact basis of their unhappiness. It's the sadness of nothing, ultimately,
mattering in any satisfying sense.

I'm not sure everybody can relate to this kind of sadness. It's definitely
near the pinnacle of Lazlo's hierarchy of needs; I'm guessing it figures into
his "transcendence" category.

------
inlined
No, but I wouldn’t go into more details in a real handle. It’s good to see
topics like this show up from time to time; I hope they chip away at the
stigma that the US has towards mental and emotional health.

For those that struggle, a support network is critical. Lean on & spend time
with family, whether that’s blood family or the friends you’ve collected who
are that close.

~~~
LeifCarrotson
I'm getting closer to OK after breaking that stigma.

I'd been working hard to maintain the appearance of being OK for many years,
not even letting my support network know I was struggling...finally came clean
with them and they've been nothing but supportive. Towards the end there, a
lot of the stress had been just in keeping up appearances, which was stupid!

Also, OP, feedback for your friend who built the site - site scrolling is
sticky on Android. I can scroll normally for a couple seconds until some JS
loads and pins the menu at the top, then I can't scroll anymore. Suggest you
stop messing with the scroll bar.

------
open-paren
I'm kinda struggling right now. I'm a few months from graduating with a BS in
CS, and I'm scared. Not scared about getting a job (I've had a few internships
and have a solid handshake return offer from more than one of them) or “the
next step” (kids? house?) independently, just the combination of all those
things. How do I find a job that's is within a same commute distance, but also
affordable? How do I find a job that will help me afford those “next steps?”
How on Earth do people afford a house (I mean, $300,000 is more than 3× my
expected salary, and where I am, that barely gets you a townhome)? The
uncertainty of the future has really knocked my level of “okay-ness” down to
like a two for the past few weeks.

~~~
burntoutfire
> How on Earth do people afford a house (I mean, $300,000 is more than 3× my
> expected salary, and where I am, that barely gets you a townhome)?

Most young people in the world can't afford a house. They rent apartments or
stay with parents until their jobs pay more and they accumulate savings in the
meantime - or, alternatively, they shacked themselves with decades of debt and
get a mortgage (not everyone is mentally built for that though). Also, many
people never decide to buy a house, and just get a (cheaper) flat instead.

~~~
dev_dull
An apartment with roommates can be a real joy if it’s in the right time of
your life. Don’t rush the seasons of your life. Why worry about kids when
you’re not even in a serious relationship? It’s life, not the cursus honorum.

~~~
redisman
If the houses are 300k in their area, I'm guessing getting roommates is
entirely optional. For me the first time living alone in a studio apt was
bliss.

------
HEHENE
Now, yes.

A few months ago I went through a nasty breakup days before I was about to
propose. I suddenly found myself completely alone having pushed all my friends
away over the course of the six year relationship, homeless (in the sense of
not having a "home" although I did have a roof over my head), and in a job
that I quickly realized I had only been sticking with to support us because it
was stable. I hated it.

Now I have reconnected with old friends, made more new ones than I can count,
spent a lot of time with a therapist, and my mental health is much better than
it ever has been.

On Saturday I start a several thousand mile drive to a new beginning in a new
state with a new job that aligns perfectly with my skill set and comes with a
nice 62% pay bump.

So for today, I'm doing alright.

------
tasogare
Situation degraded over the time. I'm a beginning PhD student in a small lab
in a top university of the country I live. Basically every of my projects have
been cancelled. A paper I was writing and cared about for a small conference
too. I'm forced to write something for a really hard conference about
something that's not my idea on a topic I don't care.

I have a "special" treatment: I have to point most of the work days (3) in the
middle morning at the lab (I'm a night owl). I'm the only one subject to this
while everyone else is free to come or not to the lab (some student are almost
never there). At first it was every working day but I rebelled against. I also
said no the have my desk moved besides my day-to-day supervisor, in the
researchers' room.

I've been recently been told in front of everyone that my research didn't
advanced for 6 months (public humiliation). I've also received nicely worded
email from the laboratory head about my (supposedly) inability to graduate.
One small project of mine had been totally removed from the list of what's
done with our partners, with no explanations, despite its usefulness, my
ability to complete it in time. I've not being invited at some research events
were most of the lab participated, nor to go meet field partners.

So I have zero academics liberty, I'm forced to work on stuff the I have no
interest in, the projects & papers I care are cancelled, I'm charged with
menials tasks, then I'm basically told I'm lazy... At least every other lab
members are kind, some very supportive. I just feel like the black sheep.

~~~
Qworg
As someone who had a less than ideal PhD experience, while exiting ABD feels
like a failure in the near term, the long term impact is very low, unless
you're desperate to remain in academia.

In short, you don't have to take the abuse - I'd look to change major
professors.

~~~
tasogare
Yep I want to stay in academia but I'll probably try to sell my own products
one day. I could change lab I think, but I'm not guaranteed that the situation
will be better elsewhere. Heck, on the paper this lab is exactly focus on the
kind of stuff I want to do.

~~~
Qworg
"not guaranteed that the situation is better elsewhere" \- almost certainly it
couldn't be worse.

Labs change focus all the time, even without describing it to the world. Why
else would they have bumped your research?

~~~
tasogare
> Why else would they have bumped your research?

Cultural context. While the research product (papers, mainly) is very
international, how the sausage is made vary greatly by countries. While one of
my topic of interest have decades of interest in Europe, it got zero attention
here. Also I've noticed that most papers I read in English are basically
ultra-specific narrow crap tested in questionable conditions, while stuff
written in my native language try to address bigger issues and are more
convincing (but also less data centred). Even the way of writing a PhD thesis
is different: monograph in Europe, slapping three journal papers with an intro
and conclusion here.

My solution will be to continue doing the minimal amount of work that I'm
forced to do and write interesting papers with my external network of
colleagues. It's of course forbidden by the lab rules by I found a loophole I
can exploit.

------
DoreenMichele
Not really.

I'm broke, as usual. I'm no longer homeless and no longer literally dying
(health issue), but I can't say I'm exactly a happy camper.

I have $155 bill due in 3 days that I can't cover. My paycheck this week will
be less than that. And then there's living expenses, like groceries. The
cupboards are bare, again.

I do resume work, but I'm not good at promoting that. (And I blog, but my
Patreon is underfunded. Ads are dead and I mostly don't use them.) I have
personal barriers to making the business connections I need (health, gender,
etc).

Same old, same old.

~~~
bitcoinmoney
Can’t you make a payment plan on the 155$? Good luck and I wish you will
overcome any hardship!

~~~
DoreenMichele
No, not in this case. It's my perpetually maxxed out credit card.

I also have a dead fridge I'd love to replace and numerous other things that
I've put off because I simply couldn't afford them.

I've been poor long enough that I have actual poor people problems. It's a
completely different problem space from what most folks on HN are dealing
with, or what I dealt with for most of my life. I wasn't always poor.
Combination of serious health crisis plus divorce were The Perfect Storm.

------
tj-teej
Two years ago I wasn't. My mother had died a year beforehand and I was still
getting through that. I had a boss who didn't accept "excuses" and was new to
software and didn't know how to set expectations well. I wasn't exercising and
didn't have a meaningful romantic relationship.

I'm posting this as things today are so different. I have a very supportive
boss, a wonderful girlfriend and I'm happy almost everyday. Looking back I was
very depressed, but time heals all wounds.

For those of you who feel helpless, please don't give up, try and take baby
steps towards things that will make you happy and one day you'll wake up and
things will be better.

------
memetomancer
I ain't, that's for sure. I recently quit my job (HPC) without another one
lined up, due entirely to stress. Something had to give and I decided that if
I wasn't able to manage the stress I wasn't fit for the job any more. Kinda
snapped, took a week off and spontaneously gave 2 weeks notice on my return.
Wasn't really thinking straight.

It's been a few weeks since I split and I'm starting to run out of money, but
sadly have been mostly sleeping and am unmotived to dive back into the fray. I
did manage to get to the doctor and get some meds, but they are only now
starting to kick in and I no longer have insurance to get more.

I think it's probably too late for me but do yerselves a favor and pay
attention to stress management and all that wellness talk. This all snuck up
on me because I was too immersed in the work.

~~~
Sharma
>> "... and am unmotived to dive back into the fray..." What is done is gone
now.

Think about it this way: You were stressed because of that situation/job which
is no more with you. So why continue thinking about it and not be motivated
again for a new job which definitely will be better or at the least different
than the previous one?

Get back in the job market and start preparing with a positive attitude
towards your new job(which you will get soon). And this time you know how you
can identify the situation before it gets too late.

So sleep more today/tonight if you want :-) but get back to the job hunting
with full throttle starting tomorrow. Good luck!

~~~
memetomancer
thanks for the pep talk!

Just typing it all out was pretty cathartic, getting a positive response in
return gave a lil burst of renewed confidence. thx :)

------
TamDenholm
Right now no, the last couple weeks is where everything in my life is going
down the shitter. I'm trying to just get on with it cuz my stoic nature just
tells me I'll get through it eventually.

I'm in substantial debt for me but at the rate in which I earn I can pull
myself out of it within 6 months, but I've been working on launching new
companies and it's been a struggle. My 2 cofounders are waiting for me to
finish my part of the process so they can go sell, I'm almost there. The
property I was renovating has taken way longer than it should have but it's
almost done. My car got seized by the police because I wasn't aware it was
uninsured, taken all day to sort that and I'm not done yet. Clients are not
paying invoices, I'm having to manage a number of other things at the same
time, and the charity I run with my other half might be getting sued.

I need to find some work soon and bring in some money. So if anyone wants a
remote php/js dev let me know. I know I've got a lot of things I'm dealing
with but basically all of them are 90% there so life will simplify soon.

~~~
DoofusOfDeath
I'm really sorry for what you're going through. At the risk of sounding trite,
I'd like to share with you two things I've found helpful on these much-worse-
then-usual times of life.

First, I take comfort in knowing that the cumulative crappiness is sometimes
just an unfortunately coincidental timing of multiple, crappy problems. And I
know such coincidences will happen time to time. So that comforts me in
knowing that it's not part of some long-term, downward trajectory in my life.

I'm almost too embarrassed to share this second one, but it really helps me so
I will. When crappy times like you're having happen to me, sometimes the song
"Mama Said" by The Shirelles [0] goes through my head. It always brings a
little levity and perspective to my mood :)

[0] [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L842mz-
tNBQ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L842mz-tNBQ)

~~~
TamDenholm
Thanks for the words, and the song, haha. Yeah i'm aware that the issue is i'm
juggling a million things right now and if i was only dealing with one at a
time then any problems that come up would be trivial to deal with, but its
just the nature of a minor thing going wrong on multile things all at the same
time. None of these things i'm dealing with are unsurmountable if they're
compartmentalised into 1 thing at a time, but when they're all at once, i get
stressed.

I've just gotta keep going, stop anything new coming onto my plate (within my
control anyway) and just deal with these things one at a time until the list
gets shorter and shorter and i feel better. Its gunna take some time though.

------
mikelevins
I'm doing fine.

I used to be much richer and healthier than I am now. I was also less happy
and contented.

I experienced some health disasters and serious accompanying financial losses.
I could list afflictions and disadvantageous circumstances, but I'm happier
and more content now than I was before all of that.

During one of the particularly bad spells I turned to the writings of the
classical Stoics, which I was already familiar with in a general way, because
I was raised on the classics. I found useful tools there, and I used them to
learn how to be happy.

Stoicism is less about metaphysics, and more about working out practically how
to live a happy and virtuous life--how to be a good and happy person.

I assume it won't work for everyone, but it worked pretty well for me, and my
grown children report that it has worked for them, as well. I think it's worth
mentioning on the off chance that someone else might also find it helpful.

If you're curious, you can find a lot of resources just by googling
"stoicism". The Wikipedia article is a decent introduction. If you want more
specific recommendations, I suggest the _Enchiridion_ of Epictetus and the
journals of Marcus Aurelius, usually translated under the title _Meditations_.
There's a lot of value in Seneca, too.

You'll find that the ancients usually assumed the existence of the gods, but
I'm personally an atheist, and nothing in Stoicism requires belief in any
deities.

If you don't find it as useful as I did, I hope you find something else that
works better.

------
abbiya
I have been attending lot of interviews but not able to go through even the
first rounds. I have nearly 7years experience in the industry. I mostly work
on backends. I worked on iOS Android php node Java golang projects. My recent
project included writing APIs backed by hyperledger using node. I also have a
hacker news spin called 8hrs.xyz

Most of the interviews feel like a test. Not one of them gives me feedback
even though I specifically asked for it. Lot of interviewers just ask
questions from geeksforgeeks. I know data structures and algorithms are as
important as other things. I know I lack grip on Ds and algos. Not that I
don't like working for current company but its been 3yrs here. I'm not married
yet. My mother always worries about that. No girlfriend, it's just Indian
thing. I am going bald. My eyesight is decreasing and I blame computers for
that. My last three meetings with girl's family side went sideways. It gives
me anxiety to look at people talk about what happens if ones skill set goes
obsolete. I used find it hard to stay feeling ignored by everyone and about
the whole living. I did green and alcohol. After a long period of high I
stopped all that and started going to gym, relearning mathematics with the
help of YouTube and online resources. I took up photography. My nieces love
me. I learned to ignore the bullshitters and started trying to live a good
life.

------
abbadadda
Am I ok? Kind of. Not really. As a non-throwaway I'll refrain from
elaborating. I think a key for me is sleeping well and relieving stress in
healthy ways. These healthy stress relievers include exercise and mediation,
but I do not engage in them nearly often enough. Writing here is a good
reminder to do both.

More of a challenge as I grow older is finding those I feel I can speak with
openly about anything. These days that's limited to professionals only, and if
a therapy session or two get cancelled then I can become quite derailed.

For anyone out there struggling with what others think of you, something that
gets me though the day is Derek Sivers's quote: "Be your unapologetically
weird self." Don't get inappropriate in the workplace but remember that you
bring something unique to the table (and that's probably why you were hired in
the first place).

Quote in full:

“I gave a commencement speech in Minnesota few years ago [at the Carlson
School of Management]. The core of it was to be your unapologetically weird
self. I think authenticity is one of the most lacking things out there these
days.” An excerpt from that speech: “Weirdness is why we adore our friends. .
. . Weirdness is what bonds us to our colleagues. Weirdness is what sets us
apart, gets us hired. Be your unapologetically weird self. In fact, being
weird may even find you the ultimate happiness.” - Derek Sivers via Tools of
Titans

~~~
adreamingsoul
I hope your able to get the sleep you need.

------
chadwilken
I am the CTO of a semi-successful startup but I believe, this is actually my
biggest cause of stress and depression. I have been a software developer for
roughly 8 years so I am still learning a lot. I was able to scale the company
to handle hundreds of thousands of photos a day but the second I hired a more
senior developer I find myself feeling like an imposter. I am always second-
guessing myself, how I name things, how I am organizing my code to the point
where I really start to become unproductive. I worry that the more senior
developer is judging me or something, even though he is pretty laid back. In
my personal life, I am spread way too thin due to debt from medical bills and
a growing family. I find it takes a toll on me physically, which ironically,
leads to more medical bills. I feel like I am stuck at my current company and
in my current position. I wish I could get back to just being a software
developer without all of the CTO stuff. I always feel bad complaining about
these things because they seem so first-world, but it is constantly on my
mind. I am just waiting for the day we make an exit and I can do something
else.

~~~
chpmrc
I'm way less experienced than you but I can tell you without doubt: as a CTO
you are _not_ expected to be the best developer/technical person in your
organization. You're supposed to have good enough skills to understand what's
going on and "rockstar ninja 10x" (lol) planning and communication skills, to
act as a bridge between the technical team and customers/CEO, and to make sure
you provide your team with anything they might need to get their work done,
including moral support.

A leader is supposed to bring smart people together, not be the smartest guy
in the room.

~~~
EulersBridge
You phrased this way better then me. I concur.

------
gremlinsinc
Not the best... I just got some gigs paying $20-25/hr. A drop from my average
of $50 and my recent high of $80.

I know I'm a mid to senior level full stack developer but imposter syndrome
keeps coming back. I hate interviewing and remote jobs are hard to find.

I'm also feeling a lot of burn out but I think that stems from quality and
lack of a strong client pipeline.

My stack is Laravel/Vue but I find myself bored with that wanting to work more
on node or go with hasura as a graphql api, or work on rust or clojure so I
can learn to think and code in a different way. Or possibly move to pentesting
or devops.

I think just joining an exciting startup could be enough to end some of the
despair. I really miss working on a team. Freelancing is getting super old.

If you need a top notch developer hit me up.. Vue, react, Angular, Laravel,
Adonis, Bulma, Bootstrap, Express, Postgres, Mongodb, GraphQL, Rest, Ruby,
PHP, Python, Ionic. Framework, Cordova, Quasar Framework.

I'd also be willing to do project or product management.

Email: patrickwcurl@gmail.com Resume:
[https://patrickcurl.com/resume](https://patrickcurl.com/resume)

------
par
Yes, but it took a lot of work to get here. I spent many years working at Uber
during the hyper growth periods, and even before that a lot of startup life.
It really took its toll on me, and by the end of it I was an alcoholic mess. I
was lucky that after my time at Uber I was able to quit my job and re-evaluate
my situation. It's been 1 year since then, and I can say my life is
permanently altered forever. So many of my dreams are starting to come true,
things I have been trying so hard to achieve since I was a teenager. I always
fantasized about quitting my job and growing as a human, but I never thought
it possible, or would be realistic. I am here on the other side now and would
like to say to everyone here that it is worth a shot. Do some short term free-
lancing after you quit your job, stay afloat. You are worth it. Your life is
incredibly important.

------
AnIdiotOnTheNet
Call me cynical, but my guess is that no one asking the question actually
cares about the answer, especially if they are prompted to do so by a PSA.
It's like those assholes who show up and tell suicidal people the number to
the suicide hotline. They don't give a shit, they're just virtue signaling
that they care about others in the least-effort way they possibly can.

~~~
suyash
Everyone has their comfort zone or in this context empathy zone, some people
are very empathetic, some don't know how to show empathy or care towards
others and that is just a personality thing, we shouldn't hold that against
people. Think of it the other way, most people reading here and replying at
least care enough to show concern and empathy, some maybe more empathetic than
others. To counter your point about Suicide Prevention People - at least doing
that is still better than not giving a shit about those who need help.

~~~
AnIdiotOnTheNet
My point is that they don't really give a shit. I'm not saying that's a bad
thing per-se, there's only so much a human being can genuinely care about and
devote effort to after all, but such actions are shallow to the point of being
somewhat insulting.

~~~
iamatworknow
I feel the same way. Another example is when someone famous dies and various
internet forums get flooded with "RIP" comments that mean absolutely nothing
to anyone other than the poster saying "Look at me, I'm also part of this!"

~~~
suyash
I think that's just a matter of perception, my point remains that is someone
really didn't give a shit, they won't even bother posting "RIP".

------
sad-throwaway
No... but I'm not sure what to do about it

I spoke with a therapist, but it hasn't helped me much; he basically admitted
he didn't know what to suggest. Maybe I'm weird, and need to find the right
therapist, which is what people suggest when I tell them this hasn't been that
useful

What else can I do, HN?

I feel so lonely all the time. I don't have any close friends and people only
talk to me at work about work. I do try to make an effort to talk to people
about their lives and such - but they never reciprocate

I'm afraid that if I try to kill myself, I might make a mistake and could end
up crippled. Alive, just with an even lower quality of life. That fear is
about the only thing keeping me alive at the moment

I'm so tired of being alive. I just feel unwanted and unloved all the time

~~~
losthobbies
Do you have any hobbies or interests outside of work? Is there something that
you have always wanted to try but found it hard to start? Perhaps checking up
on meetup or something like that...

~~~
alexsb92
Along the same lines, city intramurals ("beer leagues") could be an option
too. In most places you can sign up as a single and be placed on teams that
need more people. It has the advantage of getting you out of the house, doing
something physical which can also help, and you get to consistently meet
people? It's also harder to slack off and quit since you're part of a team.

------
meursault1
Not really. I love to work as software engineer but I'm already feeling
negative side effects of the stress related to the profession. Having to seat
for 8h a day doing intellectual work doesn't seem to be healthy because often
you start to force yourself to remain productive after the first hours (and
then comes the frustration). Sometimes I wonder if I should have done
something else, with a lower salary but having a healthier life both
physically and mentally.

------
Cyberis
As a tech person, I am treated like a machine, one that should be in a closet
-- not seen or heard, they just want work output and they don't want my
opinion about whether what they propose is a good idea or bad one (spoiler,
most of them are astoundingly bad since non-tech managers are usually as dumb
as a box of rocks). I hate my job and increasingly my whole life. It would be
great to work for people who know the value of what you do, and the tremendous
effort required to do things right, and to just ask the question asked here
(with an obvious interest in a real answer and a compassionate ear to hear
it).

------
ravenstine
I'm definitely OK. Compared to most of the world, I'm doing fantastic, and
that's a thought that usually keeps me afloat when I'm not feeling so great.
My work could be too stressful to manage, or I could get fired, and I'd still
be OK because I have my freedoms in a wealthy part of the world and have a
support structure that keeps me from hitting rock bottom if i choose to use
it.

Things could definitely be better, but I'm working on changing that. It may
mean leaving tech almost entirely. It can be a lonely place, plus it's full of
arrogance and anal retentiveness and I've never completely fit in with it.
(not saying I don't have my own share of arrogance) But I don't feel too bad
about it because I don't have a sense of being trapped. I think a lot of
people aren't OK because they feel trapped in whatever it is they are doing. I
wasn't always a happy person, but I've found that having a mindset of "I can
get out of this trap" has helped me in being a more positive person.

I hope all y'all who aren't OK do get OK. :)

------
seamyb88
I am the most OK I have ever been, and it's largely to do with being a
programmer/nerd/scientist. I struggle with work/life balance, but only because
I enjoy working so much that it's difficult to tell where life begins and work
ends.

I'm final year PhD, so I'm not earning much. The reason for my happiness is
very much the space I am given to work, the nature of the work (post-quantum
cryptography) and not having a toxic working environment (which I've had
before).

If your toxic boss was your toxic friend, you would still feel that dread you
get when waking up for work, when going for coffee or chilling out with that
friend. Don't put up with it just because your boss friend pays you. Be as
cheeky and as ignorant as you can get away with. Teach the bastard a lesson.
If you get fired, be even cheekier and make a fool of them in front of the
entire staff. I was 16 when I was working under a toxic boss and I didn't have
the gumption to do this. I wish I had.

------
petrolenna
I'm mostly OK. I'm happy at work, happy at home. But I feel like I'm on the
precipice of royally f*cking things up.

My relationship with a colleague is dangerously close to becoming
inappropriate. I'm happily married, with kids, and I don't have the need for
anything extra marital, be it on a social or physical level. Genuinely happy.
Yet, this work relationships seems to be progressing into something that, at
some point, can be seen as an affair.

We're both fairly isolated in the company, and (mostly) only have each other
to speak to about issues and pressure within the company. We also work on a
lot of things together. This results in us spending a ton of time together,
either working or talking about work. There's some social compatibility as
well, but nothing mind blowing. We've developed an easy going relationship
with a lot of shared experiences and vocabulary, resulting in an intimacy
which, although I enjoy it, I'm not always comfortable with. Especially since
he seems to be so easy going with casual touches and interactions.

I've made a point of prioritizing my spouse and kids, and not to allow my work
relationship to interfere. I've set up sanity checks for myself to assess if
I'm over stepping in any way (through looks, touch, prioritizing, day
dreaming, whatever), yet the relationship keeps on growing deeper, and I have
no way of stopping it. Short of quitting.

I don't want to quit. I love my job. I've worked towards a job like this for
years. It took years of hard work, learning, networking, grinding and hustling
to get to this point. I've invested so much in this job that it will take me
years to build up to something like this again. The job allows me to live how
I want to live, spend time with my family, provide for my family. Still, I
know that I'll loose pretty much all of it if I step over the line. I won't be
able to trust myself, I won't be able to ask my spouse to trust me. I just can
not allow that to happen.

So that's me, mostly OK, but stuck between a rock and a hard place.

------
ruok_throwaway
I'm not. I've been sick for 10 years now. Spent meaningful percentage of my
20ies in bed without having energy for anything. I've been away from work for
a month now.

Every doctor that I speak to is in bucketing and hypothesis testing-mindset
and none have been interested in the idiosyncrasies of my case. I have a pain
in the right abdomen and back that is somewhat digestion related. I've been
treated for H.Pylori before. I've done MRI, CT, ultrasound, colonoscopy and
bloods and none are suggestive of anything specific.

I've exhausted all of my mental strength powering through this condition for
years. I feel like I'm spent and every day is suffering.

~~~
sym_throwaway
Two months ago I developed similar symptoms: a persistent, dull pain in the
right abdominal region combined with fatigue. CT revealed mild inflammation
and slightly enlarged lymph nodes.

It's a difficult situation because these indicators are so nonspecific.
(Fittingly, the pain includes the right hypochondrium.)

I have essentially no confidence in the capacity of medical professionals to
act upon any other than the most common and obvious clinical signs. Maybe
because of its association with high social status, the medical profession
seems to preferentially attract the sort of rigid and uninquisitive mind ill-
suited for this complex and nebulous problem domain. To add insult to literal
injury, unless one has the resources to obtain highly individualized medical
attention, symptoms will almost certainly be classified as psychosomatic after
perfunctory screening fails to reveal some clear-cut cluster of abnormal
measurements -- as if all internal pain was a product of the mind before the
advent of medical testing.

Best of luck to you in finding relief. Reach out if you'd like to discuss this
further.

------
api
Once a group of students from nearby UCI were touring our co-working space as
part of some kind of conference. One student asked me a question I'd never
been asked before: what are the occupational hazards of the programming
profession?

I had a ready answer for him: depression, social isolation, and physical
atrophy due to long hours spent sitting still.

He said I was the first person with a real answer to that question. Everyone
else just brushed it aside since our profession does not involve working with
heavy machinery or toxic chemicals or anything else you'd normally associate
with risk.

~~~
toyg
Sadly, these are also considered "rich people's problems", so they are
unlikely to ever get any sort of support from the public purse.

------
doktrin
Yes and no. I just began a period of what I guess you could call voluntary
unemployment, due to years of neglecting my mental health. I've had all the
symptoms, but have been more than a little embarrassed at even thinking of
myself as being depressed, let alone taking medical leave or time off for what
I've never been sure is even a real thing - not depression in general, but
myself in particular. Am I depressed, or just lazy? Is it not an insult to
think of myself as sick, when there are people out there with life threatening
illnesses who somehow carry on? Etc.

Long story short, I've always compensated by just working harder - working
late, staying up late, basically the workplace equivalent of constantly
cramming. I hit a wall recently, and decided to take time off to sort out my
life - which in my case means actually seeing a professional regularly and
beginning treatment with antidepressants / SSRIs.

I'm not sure where it will lead, but the absence of stressors is for the
moment quite nice. I've been able to cut out a number of bad habits, notably
self medicating with (insert substance here). I don't want to get too candid,
but you get the idea. I still haven't built myself back up to a place where I
have a real and driving motivation to get back to work, and I still struggle
with what might be considered pathetic 21st century spoiled aspirations of
self actualization, but I'm hoping that in this downtime I can work my way
back to finding the motivation and meaning in life that I've been missing.

------
CM30
Not at the moment. Feel kinda depressed, and lacking any motivation to do
anything. Part of me wonders if it's simple burn out from trying to do too
many things at once (multiple side projects plus a full time job), the other
part wonders if I've simply lost most interest in coding altogether.

Still, not as if there are many alternatives now. Software engineering is the
only thing I have any interest in that makes money any more, and the only
ticket to a decent lifestyle. Other interests (like writing, journalism, etc)
simply don't pay any more because of the internet whereas things like video
production and game design are like buying lottery tickets.

Regardless, it's getting difficult to sleep because of it all. I always feel
like there's more I should be doing, while having no energy or interest in
actually doing it.

I also feel I can't really trust anyone either, which probably adds to the
pressure a bit. Just found no one I can work with or even truly empathise
with, so end up doing everything for every project I work on myself. If I make
a game, then I have to draw the graphics, compose the soundtrack, design every
level, write every line of code and text and do every aspect of the marketing
myself, and I can't be happy til each and every one is at a professional
standard. This obviously means few things actually get finished.

So yeah, depressed, finding it hard to sleep, obsessed over perfectionism in
everything, unable to trust anyone and always stuck feeling there's far more I
should be doing and that I should be more successful at everything.

------
cicciop
No, I'm not OK. Throwaway for obvious reasons.

Last year I lost my job and my marriage. I have since survived on occasional
self-employment and burning my life savings; this month I lost the car,
chances are I'll be broke by Christmas and will lose the house. My CV is
atypical and hard to sell, too old for junior jobs and not good enough for
senior ones, and I'm crap at selling and networking, but what else am I going
to do?

I have not had a sexual relationship for several years now, to the point I'm
considering paying for it. I probably have had a mild form of depression for a
decade - since my kids were born, I can count the number of days I was happy
on the fingers of one hand. One just keeps working and working because there
are bills to pay, until he forgets what the point is. My friends and family
are thousands of miles away. Some days I stare at the clock until it's time
for bed. I love my kids but I hate how they literally diminished my life.

After downing the last bottle of wine, a few days ago, I decided I can't go on
like this. I've booked a session with a therapist for tomorrow. I'll have to
live on noodles to pay for it.

I wish there were a place where you could go when you feel like shit and
everyone else is there for the same reason and you can talk it out and nobody
judges you.

~~~
inthistogether
I wish I could offer you a real hug and ear.

My wife and I have split up twice before but the last time was the worst. It
bankrupted me and we almost divorced. We lost a house, a car, savings, etc.
Historically, I come from an emotionally abusive background and suffer from
anxiety and depression.

We keep saying we'll go to counseling but keep pushing it off. We are together
now and have agreed to make it work. My last job was great but the
compensation wasn't enough. So, I moved on and rejuvenated my career + family.
Recently, the company has moved to a sales-centric organization instead of the
engineering-centric organization I joined. I want to leave. I'm unhappy but
can't give up the benefits. I'm trying not to take it out on my children - who
I love so much but also have a nagging feeling sometimes that they have aged
me and made my life more difficult.

Plus, eco-future is terrifying.

We go to church now. It's methodist. I don't believe in a man in the sky but
find the community helps my depression. They offer counseling (a third party)
for free. And I now work with the youth - more community focused vs religious.

Good luck. And it can get better.

------
iMage
I"m not doing too well. Obligatory I'm doing better than many here, but I
still feel that I have my own problems.

For one, I'm younger than many people here, so about a year from now I've got
all of the fun of the college application process to look towards. This year
I've started taking all of my classes at my state's university, which has been
a very good experience academically, so for the first time there is a real
feeling that my grades matter. This stems from two roots, first I have a
feeling of imposter syndrome when it comes to learning and also I'm worried
about being a class in which I have a hard time following the professor or the
assignments seem unclear, which I am currently experiencing in one of my
classes. Also, I still have activities at my high school before and after
university, so I spend over two and a half hours every day commuting.

That ties into another of my problems, I feel like I over-invest in everything
I do and it often hurts, though I have yet to be entirely burned by anything.
Currently I'm on an FRC team, and have lead an initiative to put rookies
through FTC and I'm the main student coordinator on that while feeling that I
myself don't know enough or have the time to learn.

This post in itself has been disconcerting for me, I've always felt that my
mindset is very similar to others on HN, just a decade or two younger, and I
very much imagine being in similar situations to many here a few years from
now. I'm struggling with questions such as whether I'll be able to get into
top colleges, or even the worth of getting into such programs assuming that
financial aid is hard to come by.

~~~
jedberg
It sounds like you're a teenager taking some college courses while finishing
high school? Or an early admit for college?

I did that too. I started taking college courses when I was 11. It really
sucked when I blew out the curve in the class and 18/19 year old kids wanted
to beat me up for it (I can't entirely blame them, but luckily the prof was
cool and threw my grade out of the curve).

I ended up only doing college in summers -- I never took the option to go full
time in college. Some other kids in my program did. One of them really wanted
to get into CalTech, but they denied him, saying he wasn't well rounded
enough. So the next year he joined every club on campus and tried to be
President of as many as possible.

He burned out and had to take a year off from all school.

I tell you all of this to tell you that you are not alone, there are other
people out there who have been there with you.

> I feel like I over-invest in everything I do and it often hurts

If that's how you feel, you should cut back. Burning out before you hit your
20s isn't good. If you do one or two less clubs or activities, it won't really
make much difference in your life.

> first I have a feeling of imposter syndrome when it comes to learning

We all do, especially when you're in college at such a young age. But just
imagine how all the older kids feel seeing you there. They probably feel like
much bigger imposters than you!

> I'm worried about being a class in which I have a hard time following the
> professor or the assignments seem unclear

Go to office hours and ask for help. Profs don't look down on you for doing
this, they look up to you for being responsible. And if you still can't do it,
just drop the class. There is no shame in dropping a class that just isn't for
you.

> I'm struggling with questions such as whether I'll be able to get into top
> colleges,

You're starting college early, you'll almost certainly get into a top college
if you keep your grades up. I had a 3.1 GPA in high school, but simultaneously
had a 3.5 in my college classes, which counted as a 4.5 for admissions, so I
still got into Berkeley.

> or even the worth of getting into such programs assuming that financial aid
> is hard to come by.

Usually top colleges make sure you can attend. Harvard is free if your parents
make less than $60K a year, and I think Stanford is too.

And I don't think the private companies ever turn down anyone for loans.
Getting money for college is easy (too easy), the big question is if you are
getting sufficient value for that money.

Hang in there buddy, and don't stress so much. Enjoy being a care-free teen
without responsibilities while you still can.

------
rileyteige
I'm doing OK, my job/clients are great, but every day I can't help feeling
like all I'm doing is making rich people richer. I'd like to do something
real. Even contemplating a career change down the road once our
savings/investments are in a good long-term spot. My wife and I are planning
to start having kids in the next year or two so we'll see how that changes
things.

I miss my old friends; wife is a doctor (resident) and due to that we've had
to move multiple times across the country in support of her education (grew up
on the west coast, now living midwest eastern time zone). The new friends I
make here just aren't as fulfilling.

That said, as a tangent since I see so many people here mentioning their
remote work, I've been doing that myself full-time for most of the past 5
years and it has been an absolute godsend. Don't ever plan on going back.
Thanks to the flexibility afforded by remote work, I've been able to e.g. get
my airplane pilot/flight instructor certificates, as well as start training
our 1.5-yr-old dog (and myself) in Agility. I would not have had the time (or
the energy at the end of the day) were it not for the remote lifestyle.

~~~
toyg
_> The new friends I make here just aren't as fulfilling._

Someone once told me that most people you meet, when you move later in life,
are _acquaintances_ , not friends. I found that very true, in hindsight.

~~~
rileyteige
I agree completely. For me it's been the hardest part of this whole 'move for
work/education' thing. Every relationship just seems way more shallow and I
don't feel like I can relate on nearly the same level. It seems obvious, since
you guys don't have the same stories/inside jokes/trials&tribulations.

It's funny because people say to us "wow you're a doctor and a software dev,
you guys are just killing it!!!" but they don't see the cost that comes with
it. Perhaps we can move back but after 8 years the damage is pretty well done.

------
throwa20190912
No, I am not. I love the field I chose(CS) and the kind of work around it. But
after working for a while it doesn't seem fulfilling on a personal level. I
don't feel motivated to work on tasks if all I have to do is build some SAAS
products where all I am doing is trying to earn more money and not really
contributing to something great. When I say something great think of something
like the 'Apollo Missions ' by NASA. They were truly groundbreaking in what
they did and took the whole human race forward, while the stuff I am doing is
nowhere close. I don't feel motivated to do it and it doesn't give me
satisfaction.

In life, I can't seem to get attached to a person in a romantic relationship
for a long time. I hate moving from one person to another but I can't find the
one that will be perfect for me and me for her.

After all this, I started falling in a depression spiral and started having
suicidal ideation. I really want to off myself, the only thing that is
stopping me is my parents and friends. I can't inflict that pain on them but I
don't want to even continue this existence.

------
somasucks
I don't know. I think I am? I come home from work and kill some time on the
internet. Often times, I lose interest in whatever it is I'm doing and go to
bed. I have acid reflux, so that prevents from eating stuff that I like as
well. I don't like SF a lot, but I care about career progression and
opportunities as well. I used to play a lot of video games, but I stopped now
because of...I don't know - just lost interest I guess? I wait for a message
or a call from people I know to come everyday, but the only person that calls
me is my mom. I deactivated my Facebook account right before my birthday to
see how many people remember my birthday, and it was a pathetic 2 people other
than my family members. I am an ICPC World Finalist, but I still failed to get
any interviews with the companies I really wanted to work at. I guess I'm in a
decent spot now, but I am not able to get over some elements of the past and
keep going down the rabbit hole.

I hope things will change with time. I hope I meet some good people and make
solid friends who I can hangout with. I hope.

~~~
rakejake
Hey somasucks, people have delegated birthday reminders to Facebook nowadays
so I wouldn't take that very seriously. If not for Facebook, I wouldn't
remember my best friend's birthday even.

I think what you're feeling is ennui maybe? This odd feeling of
dissatisfaction even though life is good on paper. This is something I feel
too, and oddly enough, I know what to do to get myself out of such a
situation. Meet more people, talk to the people I know more often etc. But I
fall into the exact rut that you mentioned in your post - I come back from
home not tired at all, yet the thought of getting on the phone with people is
just unbearable.

Maybe it is just anxiety? I don't know. But the fix is more people-time, and
also a diverse set of activities. Pick up a sport, learn singing, strength
train at the gym etc. When you have a lot of different activities lined up,
you are almost never dissatisified. Bad day at work? Well atleast my workout
was good and I'm building muscle. Didn't go to the gym? Well I'm sure the
weekend hike will pump me up.

The more you put yourself out there, the better the chance of meeting like-
minded people.

------
AusTosser
TBH I dont know.

I go to work every day When I'm home I hide into my digital life Work is
24/7/365 I have imposter syndrome, constantly, in everything. I was looking
forward to "The book of mormon" for years when i finally got to see it the
other night, i had to pretend to laugh. I'm an empty husk. I dont know that I
feel anything much anymore.

~~~
charmander_
Damn, The Book of Mormon was one of the funniest musicals I've seen. I hope
you're able to find a way out of this.

------
bradlys
I'll add to the list here.

No. I see a therapist but it doesn't help. Ultimately I'm burnt out. The
startup I'm working at doesn't have good numbers anymore (not like any startup
I've been at ever has). I can't get a job at FAANG (I've done their onsites
about a dozen times). I live in the most expensive region in the USA. I only
receive a salary from a startup and stock is obviously worthless. My SO is
committed to a lifestyle of either A) not working or B) having jobs that will
never pay more than what she consumes. I'm supporting her through college by
paying all of our rent, most of our food (which she requires to all be wildly
overpriced), all of every vacation, and so forth. She is getting a degree that
has no correlation with a job. She has no plans to get a real job. She is
committed to a hedonistic lifestyle where her lover will provide everything
for her. It's utterly annoying and immature. But she's smart and I hope she
will learn. (And try to care about my suffering a bit to change her ways)

The fact that this dynamic will never change is what kills me most. I have no
hope. I'm under so much financial pressure to make two to three times what I
am making now and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Moving just
isn't an option because I'm perpetually unhappy with my jobs (due to a lack of
pay). I need a lot of options available so I can keep bouncing before I get
fired.

Again - I'm burnt out and it fucking sucks. I'm around the 1% of my age (29)
and definitely the 1% of where I grew up - but it's not enough to stay sane in
this dynamic.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm going to do. How will I ever escape my fate?
Ultimately - I have no idea and it's why I'm so frustrated and burnt out. I
have no path out and never will.

Mind you - my social life, hobbies, and everything else is practically non-
existent. I am miserable every day.

~~~
throwaway91219
Some tough love incoming:

1\. Delete this post. Your feelings are valid, as are your struggles, and a
lot of people are struggling with similar issues. If you had posted under a
throwaway, this would be a great place for discussion. But airing these issues
publicly with identifying information won't help anything. Your coworkers and
employer read this website, this isn't something you need to share with them.

2\. You need to reevaluate your relationship. If you want to provide these
things out of caring and love, great, go for it. But if you are doing it out
of a feeling of obligation, the only result will be resentment. You can't
change someone, and in all (non-dependent) relationships, it only works if
both people want to be there under the same terms. If the terms you want for a
relationship don't match hers, even with compromises, then it probably won't
work out.

3\. You have a skill that few people have: You can build something once and
sell it over and over at no marginal cost. And people like you are needed
everywhere. You can make a change, in location, in job, in relationship, etc.
and you will have the earning potential where ever you go to make what you
need. (What someone else needs, that's another question.)

------
k0t0n0
Yes, I am okay. I realized a few things this year.

First of all, I live in India. I will describe what I have experienced and
seen. Most of the young developers who are passionate about the tech they
don't get the chance to grow. Plus they are getting paid around $700 a month
on average. once you have 5+ years of experience and you still getting paid
$700. it's not gonna play out well for you. on top, you also have to deal with
deadlines. most of them they quit their job and start there owns consulting or
move on (now know why people prefer government job over tech. less stress and
no-layoff plus good pay).

once who make $3000 a month. their work-life balance is just shit. most of
them do contract work for us based clients.

in the past few days, I talked to 2 people they both make around $700 a month.
one guy is working with elixir he has like 6+ years of experience in PHP, Java
and some work in ROR. I am not saying that he is good or bad. I am just
stating what I know.

Where I live it costs around 100000 USD to own a normal house. and one cannot
dream of owning a house with that pay.

just to understand the business work. I talked to a guy who owns a small food
stall about how much he makes. he said he makes more than $700 a month.

I will talk a bit about my self. I work as a full-stack developer for 8 years
now. also, I am self-taught. I was still getting paid around $700. then I
simply quit because of the deadlines. plus I found out that in some
(corporation) anyone who just gets in makes around $1200 in the start. this
kinda stayed with me and made me realized I cannot do it anymore. I think its
better business to teach code than to work full-time. maybe I missed something
or I am not that good of a programmer? I find it super hard to sell my self to
others. I guess if you cannot sell your self you gonna end up like that.

NOTE: I am not saying all devs are getting paid less. it's all about finding
the right place.

------
agumonkey
I'm having a weird issue.

I kinda care about programming, but I don't know if I can actually work in the
field.

I'm not good enough to able to pwn interviews [0] and to submit resume to
senior positions. And the few recruiting agencies I went through I probably
playing games with people like me (gap in resume, not enough big names in it
too).

This is utterly stressful because I have no idea how fast a normal developer
has to be. How do you guys handle mental / roadblocks, outright failure
(failing to build something even after the deadline).

I do know that there's a bunch of people being employed even though they
perform badly, but it doesn't help getting in.

Thus I feel stuck, and I wish I could just peek into an office or find a place
that mentors people for a while, but does this even exist ?

[0] in France, first interviews are mostly social skills, even though I got a
pair of remote coding tests (python and java) and did well.

~~~
buildawesome
Your [0] resonates with me. Coming out of a bootcamp, I've been in the
industry for 2 years. My feeling is that I'm supposed to be farther along but
still feel like I don't know anything. Oh and I can't do interviews either.

------
catawampus
Not really. I've been a developer for only four years. In that time I've had
two jobs. Both went badly, resulting my losing the job. In both cases my boss
started off friendly and encouraging and became more and more impatient with
me and disappointed in me.

After the second job ended, earlier this year, I took time off to study some
cs topics to improve as a developer in the areas where I seem to have
decificts.

I don't know whether I've improved. I don't know whether I'm any good. I don't
know whether I have any aptitude for coding. I just started applying for jobs,
and I have no confidence, no optimism, no eagerness, and kind of want to
disappear into a hole and never emerge.

I like coding, but I don't know whether I should even make an effort to stay
in the field. I'm not at risk. I don't think I'm depressed. I'm just
despondent.

------
collyw
Genuine question, are we as software developers at risk more than the average
person?

I used to get stressed (crappy management), but having changed jobs a few
times in the last few years (including one where I didn't get paid) I realise
that we actually have it very easy in terms of being able to say "screw you"
to a boss / company and be able to have a new job pretty quickly.

That's something that a lot of people won't have.

I am sure plenty of people are having a difficult time, and my intention isn't
to sound dismissive but if you are, its something worth remembering, and the
intention is to give you a bit more hope. Your job likely isn't worth
stressing about too much.

------
sho
Before reading the other comments: hm, not really, things could be better

After reading: My life is fantastic and I'm never going to complain ever again

~~~
q5jwB6bD
Yep, sometimes the grass is really NOT greener on the other side. You may
think you are in a bad spot but others have it much worse. All we can do is
help them and hope that they can help us when its our turn to be in a truly
bad state.

------
seletz
Right now -- OK-ish. Had a good day. Buried myself in work, feeling
"productive". Making, producing things. That's what I came for, that's what I
long time ago called my "hobby". Making. Tinkering. Doing.

Most of the time nowadays I feel overwhelmed, insufficient, unable. Fighting
windmills. Meetings. Pointless meetings. Again, again and again. The same
stories. The same questions, the same -- wrong -- conclusions. Me, predicting
the -- to me -- obvious outcome.

Communicating to other humans sometimes feels so hard.

Most of the stuff I do is completely bogus and pointless. We're -- I'm in --
consulting hell in the enterprise world. Company too small to get at least
"rich". Time-thief customers, can't fire them -- they pay employees. Can't
fire them -- that would be the downward spiral again (been there, done that).

Thought about quitting -- my "job", I'm a founder-owner CTO, 46 years -- but
imposter syndrome struck hard. Reading job postings, compared skills to things
I did. I've been developing software for over 20 years now -- but can I
compete? Daily HN does not help.

Change-it, leave-it or like-it -- chose to choose "change-it". Again picking
fights, hopefully the right ones.

Trying to stick to principles I've seemingly forgotten -- and fight for them.
Changing, trying to morph my "job" such that I like it again.

But I strongly feel that I'm running out of time. Brain does work differently
-- slower, but deeper -- now it seems. Need to adopt, slow down. Keep
thinking, not rushing.

Maybe I should get a therapist. Sometimes I feel I'm borderline on the manic-
depressive spectrum. Should get that app idea going I have -- two buttons "OK"
"BAD". See if I see cycles. But then again, reading other stories here I feel
I'm unthankful, and I'm maybe OK off after all.

At least I have a very loving wife and two wonderful children. And -- compared
to the world population -- I'm pretty sure I'm financially better off than 99%
of all people.

------
robot2051
Who else is struggling with backpain problem at early 30? It sucks and if you
have any advices, i am all ears! :-/ I am living with herniated disks for 2
years now and my worst nightmare is to have another disk bulging episode that
made me bedridden for 2 week. Not only working is difficult as i can't stay in
a chair for too long, it is heartbroken to have to tell your kids you cant
lift him up cause your back is foobar. :-/ I am trying to alternate between
sitting and standing but man, just getting out of bed these days is a struggle
:(

~~~
kevtastrophe
I haven’t had it quite as bad as you, but I’ve struggled for sure. Someone on
HN recommended a book called Healing Back Pain[0] - I found it really helpful.
Might be worth picking up a copy.

[0][https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Back-Pain-Mind-Body-
Connectio...](https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Back-Pain-Mind-Body-
Connection/dp/0446557684)

~~~
robot2051
Thank you for the book! I will definitely check it out!

------
adamhepner
Thanks for asking. I am fine. I've recently changed jobs and now I work from
home with occasional travel - and even though it's strenuous, it's much more
comfortable. I have flexible hours, fixed pay every month, paid vacations (oh
thank gods yes). My kid is gradually getting more social with us (he's almost
3), and spending time with him brings us great joy. We're all healthy, we
invest time into our relationship, we do our best to sleep much, exercise, eat
well, and it seems to be paying off, which is great, because this time last
year we were getting ready to move across border, and soon before the move,
we've had a serious health crisis (my wife was hospitalized for 10 day, and
got out exactly on the day of the move).

What could be better? Well plenty, of course.

We could be saving money for our own place faster. But we partially use it to
enjoy day to day and treat ourselves. I consider it money well spent,
regardless of my wife's guilt feeling. We could be spending even more time
together. But this is mostly because my wife is currently learning python
programming and software testing in order to get back to job hunt. It was a
conscious decisions, and her weekend school ends in a couple of weeks anyway.
We could be spending more time with our friends. But we're all busy people,
and we try to be understanding that it's difficult to find good timeslots.

So, it's all temporary hurdles, not really hardships.

------
Uptrenda
Mental health is such a complicated problem because of how directly it's tied
into the way a person experiences and processes information. In order to get
treatment for someone there needs to be some basic recognition that something
may be wrong which might sound fairly straight forwards, but it's a classic
consciousness problem of having a ruler somehow accurately measure itself.
It's hard to be objective here, more-so, without being armed with the right
vocabulary and ideas related to mental health you might not even know what
questions are worth asking. That means that short of more extreme problems I'd
expect a lot of cases of mental illness go over-looked simply because people
aren't aware they even need help.

Talking about it is a good first step. If there is something wrong you can
bounce ideas off people and start building a better understanding. This is
very useful because I think a lot of people expect doctors to be mind readers
regarding this, when in reality you have to talk about a huge amount of
background info, your thoughts, feelings, problems, and so on, for them to be
able to help you... and that can be uncomfortable for private people.

Hopefully in the future there are biological tests for mental illness and you
could get a blood test or even the equivalent of a grocery store style
pregnancy test. That would be revolutionary.

~~~
mapcars
It's not that complicated, just in western societies not much attention has
been paid to how the human system works. Most of these cases are self-created,
by self-created I mean unconsciously by not handling the system in the best
way. Only a small amount of mental issues is caused by external factors. Just
paying enough attention to how your system works will solve a lot of these
problems.

------
lostletterbox
I recently left a government contracting role which I guess I completely
mishandled. Miscommunication and a prejudice management left me in a position
were I felt ostracised from other developers...

Of course this didn't really help my imposter syndrome and for two years I
struggled with increasing isolation (in a new city), low(ering) self esteem,
and feelings of suffocating in a hostile environment.

I don't really understand why it all happened, I know that I have certain
character weaknesses that would make me prone to these situations
developing... but the specifics on why it happened elude me; ultimately I
blame myself.

It's been 2.5 months since I left and I'm struggling to find employment and I
don't know why... I've been a day to day programmer for 3+ years, have a
computer science qualification, and have some prestigious names on my resume.
I guess in the Sydney market (perhaps others too) companies what you to have
the relevant experience in specific frameworks (rather than just the tooling),
which means I guess it's important to ditch legacy development and ensure
you're on top of the most recent buzzwords.

That and with the state of civic participation/oversight, little to no
personal engagement, and tiredness around getting asked the same bs questions
from recruiters I start to wonder what's the point.

------
bick_nyers
Kind of. I'm feeling a lot of pressure to perform, but I don't have much
urgency (which usually helps me and my procrastinating self). I am in my last
year as a Math Undergrad, studying for GRE/Putnam, am running a Game
Development startup (only programmer of 4 people), and I do Computer
Architecture research (I haven't spoken with my advisor for 3 weeks because I
fell behind and felt embarrassed, I'm writing a paper, have all of the
relevant data, but hitting a wall in the analysis since I have never formally
learned Comp. Arch. in the first place. I have very little context and only
surface level understanding). I know I can pass my classes, GRE, etc. by
letting things fall by the wayside so that I have more time for other things,
but I want to perform well at everything which feeds into an anxiety-driven
analysis/planning/shifting gears/paralysis cycle. I've since realized that I
only like doing 1 or 2 main things at once in my life, but since I'm not
established/behind the curve yet, I feel a need to have a good GPA, good test
scores, publications, etc., and I don't have forever to do it when it would
best work for my happiness levels. I've been in better places, but also worse
ones too.

------
basilisk19
Man I’m seriously torn in life. I’ve just graduated business school and have a
great job working at an investment bank. Hours are crazy but the work is
interesting and high impact. I just turned 30 and my girlfriend of 2 years
wants me to propose a year from now. She’s a great girl and I’m only getting
older but I just don’t know. I think we’d be happy forever but at the same
time I feel like I’m still young and would be giving up
optionality/flexibility to quit my job and travel or move to a foreign country
(the latter of which is a life goal that would be complicated quite a bit by
having a spouse). These decisions just get so much harder with a spouse in the
picture. She’s also 32 and would need to start having kids in a few years
which really would lock me down in one place in a big way. I’ve been stressed
out about what to do for literally the last 9 months. Half of me feels that if
the decision to marry is this hard then it’s a bad decision but at the same
time my reasons for not wanting to be married may be ridiculous and I may
never quit my job and move abroad even if I become single. I also may still
feel this way five years from now and will never get married and realized I
passed up a great woman who would be an awesome life partner.

------
steve_adams_86
As a remote worker I find myself isolated a lot, mostly spending time with my
kids. Although I love them, that on its own can be tough. My partner recently
left me though and the isolation has become particularly awful. I lost a job
over it which was unprecedented and a major blow to my ego. I've gotten past
the initial shock, but the damage it did is still evident in my life.

I guess I'm okay, but I don't feel okay. I'm alone. I have a lot of friends
but it feels as though I've been isolated too long to really leverage those
friendships. I made major changes in my life for her, many at my expense and
her benefit. In retrospect I was unwittingly setting her up to leave
comfortably. If our roles were reversed people would think I did something
absolutely heinous to her by leaving like that. I don't think anyone really
cares what position this puts me in.

I'm fortunate in that I found a small amount of work serendipitously, but it's
nowhere near enough. I put a lot of time, consideration, and effort into
finding the job I lost as it fit the way my life is at the moment (staying
home, caring for a 2, 9, and 10 year old). I don't think I'm going to stumble
into that again. The job search has been soul crushing. So many jobs I can do,
so few with a schedule I can fit into.

On the bright side I went for a dive a couple weeks ago and swam with some
harbour seals, a really big salmon shark, and saw some otters. I speared some
fish and brought them home to my kids and made fish tacos. That was really
fun. We're going to blast off a huge rocket we built this weekend. There's
plenty to feel okay about.

------
foxes
This year has been a real turn around for me, I'm feeling great. I think R U
Ok is a great initiative, quite a contrast it seems to America where mental
health is more stigmatised. It would be great if something like R U Ok spread
elsewhere. Even though a single day might seem shallow and mental health
issues develop over a longer time, I think awareness helps. I didn't feel like
the reason I didn't speak to anyone else was partly due to stigma.

------
logfromblammo
I am not okay.

I want to work at a better job, but I also don't want to suffer the stressful,
months-long shitshow that is the tech job search, yet again. My current job is
boring, but easy, and pays me enough to pay the immediate bills, but not quite
enough to get necessary health care or save for child tuition or retirement.
But I do have an office, with a door, so there is that.

I don't work on the west coast (US), or the east coast (US), nor do I want to
move cross-country for work, yet again. I'm starting to get the sense that
some contract manager might be setting up to screw my company, with no
recourse for the common employees, yet again.

I'm mainly just tired. Tired of all the bullshit. Tired of all the politics.
Tired of having my company bought by another company, and then radically
changed from what I was hired into. Tired of cleaning up after people who
can't or won't write maintainable code. Tired of having excess expertise that
lies idle or is ignored, left over from running on the up-to-date-skills
treadmill. Tired of changing the pneumatic coverings on all the bespoke
reinvented wheels. Tired of hearing about nonsense that gets unicorn-funded,
and bonuses and free lunches and RSUs and talent shortages. Really tired of
websites screwing with my scroll bars, and hamburger menus.

I just want to sit in my mid-2007, back when everything was cool. Because it
hasn't been good for me since 2008. It has become better than the low point,
but my satisfaction with my life hit an absolute peak in 2007, and I have not
recovered emotionally or financially, nor do I have much expectation that I
ever will.

------
mottosso
I was skimming thought each top level comment looking for just one person
doing _well_ and was most surprised not to find a single one :O I almost feel
out of place saying this now, but surely we need balance? I feel great! I'm
doing what I love (for 13 years), what feels like it was meant for me (VFX),
have got a partner (for 7 years) that I love and have nothing but hopes
(wealth), dreams (AGI) and confidence for the future. Am I alone?

------
ljm
A lot of difficulty sleeping lately, occasional restless legs don't help.

I tend to overcompensate quite a lot (due to an underlying belief of not being
good enough, which of course goes back to childhood and has been the topic of
years of therapy) sothe desire to distract myself by working late and getting
more done compounds that.

Still, putting it into the perspective of the last two or three years it's a
slow but steady climb back out of the rabbit hole that was intense depression,
dependence on therapy, multiple attempted suicides, an existential crisis
after I didn't know who I really was any more, loneliness, moving countries
multiple times, and suffering some deep loss.

Going from working completely remote, in isolation, and now making it to the
office every day and being more outgoing has been a great improvement. There
are more people I enjoy spending time with, and I feel really good in their
company. It's great to say that I'm more okay now than I was earlier this
year, and for those years previously.

I certainly wouldn't relive that period by choice but it's getting to the
point where I consider it to be character defining as opposed to a shitty
series of events. A lot of love, compassion and forgiveness came out of that.

------
charmander_
Sort of. I have good and bad days. While my job is in the field I want to be
in (predictive modeling/SWE), the team culture is so meh. No one talks to one
another.

I'm 25 and I am about a year into the first serious relationship of my life.
She is everything I could ever ask for, but I just have constant anxiety that
I'm never good enough (I make a really good salary, run a nonprofit outside of
work, and have a huge variety of interesting things about me), despite her
constant reassurances to the contrary (she doesn't know I have these feelings
of inadequacy. I kind of feel like Alexander Skarsgard's character (sans the
violence, for sure) in Big Little Lies - he tells his wife, "I'm fearful
because you could have your pick of the litter, leave me at the drop of a hat
and be with someone equally wonderful just like that." I also have been
plagued recently by a few bouts of "losing wood" when having sex - nothing
more disappointing to me than getting her almost "there" and then my little
member disappears... But even just this last weekend we had great sex three
days in a row... then for some reason things just don't go as planned other
nights.

~~~
mugpot
Can relate. Tell her all that and stay the course. Trust takes a long time to
build, even if you don't feel like it's lacking. Hard to be vulnerable about
that kind of stuff but if she's understanding and supportive you'll develop
deeper intimacy and the sexual anxiety will clear up over time.

------
theossuary
I'm transgender and have struggled with it my entire life. I spent years using
drugs to cope; I'm sober now but feel like it's too late to make any changes.
I also work as a contractor, so expressing myself feels dangerous, I worry
it'd be harder to get new client work.

I'm doing well professionally, but it all feels hollow and pointless. Like I'm
just running in place till I keel over.

Thanks for asking, it helps to talk about it <3

~~~
zanny
> I spent years using drugs to cope

If you spent years using drugs to cope, wouldn't your transition be over by
now? Oh, wrong drugs...

I actually recently discovered theres a whole transDIY thing on Reddit. It
never even occurred to me that even for F2Ms with Testosterone being a steroid
they aren't highly controlled substances and thus its rarely illegal to buy
them online.

All the sex hormones / blockers are pretty damn expensive though.

------
wtfishappening
Working as a Software Engineer in a company that the boss seems to take all
the wrongs decisions. If we had not the kid, I probably would have gotten a
divorce.

Also in another country and not the one that I have been raised, which pretty
much sucks, except the pay which is like 2 times more as I could make back
home.

Even if I could find something interesting back home, the wife is against
returning.

Currently at my maximum weight ever, smoker, and almost always depressive.

Any suggestions welcome.

------
throwaway234989
I'm fine, but not really.

Last year after quite a painful breakup, after which everything went to shit.
Soon after being dumped I was pushed out of my own startup by my co-founders.
This lead to me to a self destructive spiral damaging everything I touched,
especially uni, which in reality is my only true responsibility. (I'm very
lucky to have come from a stable and supportive environment)

This (academic) year was me basically trying to fix everything I fucked up
last year. Passing all the courses I failed while listening to quite a few new
ones. I did fine and there are just fivee courses between me and my degree.

In 5 days I have a final for one of them which I MUST pass now. If I fail, I
probably won't be allowed to re-enroll, which means I won't be able to get my
degree, which means the last four years have been for nothing. The worst thing
is, this is my fourth year in a three year degree, and if all goes well I'll
only be able to finish it next year. So five years total.

To top things off I failed this exam last week by a big margin 20%. I spent a
month and a half studying for it, now I have less than a week to reprepare.

I don't know where to start or what to do. What I did wrong last time. I lack
motivation and it all feels pointless and useless. How can I do something in
less than 5 days, that I didn't manage in more than a month.

I'm not sure if I'm too dumb to pass, or just an idiot for not being able to
force myself to sit down and work, to give 100%.

Sorry for the rant, thank you for letting me get this of my chest. I'm
probably gonna go to bed now, wake up at four and try to get some work done.

------
throwinitaway
Throwaway account!

I'm Australian. Social media sees quite a few fellow Aussies sharing R U OK
day links. Yesterday an acquaintance of mine posted that no-one's asked him if
he's OK but well, he's not. Same here. Wife cheated on me a couple of weeks
ago and gaslighted me until I had collected evidence at which point she
confessed. Everything is now very difficult. R U OK day is just banners and
t-shirts.

~~~
astockwell
That is terrible, hang in there! The silver lining is that you trusted
yourself and it led to the truth, which is now exposed. Keep trusting yourself
and you will make it through.

------
tthhrrwwaayy
I'm not too bad, but I am worried about my father. He's almost 70 and still
runs a stressful business with high liability that has been declining for
several years. He went from having several million dollars in the bank to
being in six-figure debt. Most of that went up in smoke keeping the business
alive, the other part went toward trying to find a way to keep my step-mother
from dying. Basically visiting anyone who could give them hope after the
doctors gave up. I didn't have the heart at the time to tell them that these
places they were going were politely robbing them of money.

He wants to sell his business for next to nothing because it's too stressful
and instead wants to try picking up programming for his next business idea.
I've been supportive because I think he'd actually be good at running a web-
based business, but he is really awful with computers and won't accept the
fact. I'm going to help him as best I can, but if that doesn't work out things
are going to start getting pretty grim.

------
elwell
I'm OK, but it's only because of my faith in God. My life trajectory would
have taken me to a very much not OK place otherwise.

------
crawfordcomeaux
I'm a retired programmer working on a programmatic approach to life using
models from psychology and applying category theory to them. I'm also a stay-
at-home parent who is working to develop a life for my family rooted in
supportive and loving community instead of money. My partner and I also are
making several non-normative conscious decisions about how to raise our child.
These decisions are oriented toward meeting all needs for life to thrive,
especially autonomy and respect.

We don't have cohorts and are currently looking for rent-free housing on land
where a diverse, interdependent community already exists or the land-owners
seek to develop one.

I am not looking to argue on the merits of what I seek or the existence of
such places. We have enough evidence so far to encourage us on this path,
including 4 potential places to live, though none have an existing community
and the ability for us to move before winter may not be available at any of
them.

We seek community and guidance for how to find our next home.

------
thesagan
Thank you for this post.

I'm better than I was a year and a half ago when I was doing full time web
development at an agency for large corps.

I just burned out one too many times and got sick of development and tech, in
general.

So, now I'm back in school studying info science and deputy editor of a
newspaper. I've made contacts everywhere.

Right now we're investigating the slow privatization of my public school and
some recent antics by administration to outsource an entire tech department to
an outside vendor. It's fascinating stuff. But it's dramatic too, and sad,
when people lose their jobs.

With all the vitriol out there, the decline of independent journalism and the
rise of tech, I sense a lot of _spiritual_ opportunity (and perhaps not
monetary) in reporting on these things, even though traditional media is in
decline.

I'm hoping to find and join other people building next chapters in this area.

Most importantly, I needed to get away from code and screens and get in front
of people with questions. I love asking questions.

Tldr; Money wasn't buying me happiness.

------
boopk
Im doing alright. Feel like I've plateaued in my current position. Work isn't
meaningful nor am I learning as much if at all from when I first started. I
work closely with one other person who has a few more years experience. Boss
is constantly telling me to learn and absorb as much as I can from this
person. It's a bit insulting since I've been teaching this person more the
past few months than I've learned from them. Not only that I do believe the
reason I know more is because I am open to learning new things whereas this
person learned something one way and believes that is the only way to do
something. I've been applying to new jobs but no bites. So it's a bit
frustrating really contemplating putting in my notice and take my chances
finding something else with no distractions. My bosses current vision for my
role and my expectations of where I see myself being in a year or two don't
align.

------
malloreon
I'm in a weird place.

I've changed careers a couple times, and so find myself not as far along in my
late 30s as peers of my age. My current job is great, but I also have a side
project that made me a good amount of money a few years ago that I've let
languish in the meantime, because doing both is difficult. I find myself
longing to dive back into it, but fear of failure and general fatigue keeps me
away.

Similarly, I'm single when most of my friends are married with children, and
as such don't see them very often anymore - we're just at different places in
life.

That gives me lots of time to date, and I date a lot, but I'm very good at
finding short term dating situations and I run away when the potential to
become long term appears. I wrestle with the fear that having settling down
and having a family has passed me by.

On top of all that, my parents' health isn't the best.

I don't sleep well these days.

------
qa_guy
No - 2h one-way commute is slowly killing me and my recent Ask HN thread got 0
replies, so I am not sure what to do to change my commute. I live near my
family in suburbia and don't want to move inside the city so am not sure what
to do or how to feasibly get full remote employment as a deaf QA professional.

~~~
deckiedan
I left a comment on your ask HN thread.

It sounds exhausting! If you want someone to chat with, let me know.

~~~
qa_guy
Thanks - much appreciated!

------
bewareandaware
I've been having different sensations on my belly, and thought this had
something to do with my stomach and digestion. Turns out that heart
palpitations is one of the symptoms of being highly anxious and stressed out.
On tuesday I had my first anxiety crisis and ran out of the office, only to
return after 30 minutes.

For the first time in my career this week I've left with a sick leave that
will endure until the week following the next one. Since medical leave is paid
by the state, my winnings will be cut to around 50% for the time that I'm
home, and I feel ok with it. I feel that a week and a half won't cut it.

Guess that's what happens when you burn your brain on a project you don't
fully understand why it's being done and interview around 200 different people
in the timeframe of an year.

Fuck company growth and fuck the company.

------
hermitdev
For me, it's hit and miss.

Mentally, I'm mostly alright, but under a fair amount of professional and
personal stress. The personal stress is mostly due to medical and financial
issues (trying to get my wife to live within a budget).

Physically, that's where I break down. I'm not quite 40, and I already have a
number of chronic medical issues that are largely beyond my control. The worst
of it is osteoarthritis in every thoracic and cervical vertebrae coupled with
bone spurs and degenerative discs in the same. Short of it means I'm in pain
every day. On a good day, I'm sitting at a 4 in the 1 to 10 pain scale. Sleep
funny and tweak a back or neck muscle, I can hit an 8 or 9 easily. Pain bad
enough it causes me to vomit. Docs dont/won't prescribe pain meds because of
the opiode crisis, which is fine, because the pain I have doesnt respond to
opposes anyway. But, makes them reluctant to prescribe meds that might help
with the nerve pain, such as Lyrica.

I also suffer from Cyclical Vomitting Syndrome which means every 3 to 6
months, I start vomitting uncontrollably for no apparent reason. No infection,
no flu, no food poisoning, no allergy, I just start vomiting about every hour
for days on end if untreated. I have to go to the ER every time it happens.
Sometimes I get sent home after a few hours and some IV fluids and antinausea
meds, other times like this past week, I get admitted because my blood
chemistry is so out of whack it looks like I'm about to have a heart attack,
am undergoing kidney failure or it looks like I'm diabetic, or all of the
above. I spent 4 days in the hospital last week. That stay caused me to miss
other scheduled appointments with specialists and an MRI to check on organs
due to a genetic condition.

The kicker? I feel great. The docs dont know what causes it, although there's
about a 90% correlation with heavy marijuana usage (I've never smoked weed).

Iunno, I have a referral to a specialist a few hours drive away. Need to
schedule that appointment...

------
flanksteak
Not really at the moment, if I'm being honest.

I always have been, generally, which is what makes it so jarring right now.

I'm overworked and jaded at my current job. It's completely demoralizing to
see red flags and systemic problems everywhere, bring them up to trusted
confidants (and gently to the people who matter), and see nothing done about
it. The management seems to be completely divorced from the reality of the
situation.

I know I can quit and can probably find greener pastures elsewhere, but
imposter syndrome and stress in my home life is grinding me down.

I know I'm competent, I think. I've learned so much being an autodidact, and
am ~5 years into my SDE career, but my lack of a proper CS degree always feels
like a blemish on the CV when I apply to jobs. This anxiety blossoms into
complete fear during the interview process where I freeze up.

In my home life, I feel like I'm the sole provider and I have to do
everything. My girlfriend, who I love very much and want to ideally spend the
rest of my life with, has an overwhelming phobia of rejection and most likely
undiagnosed depression, which is making it impossible to find a job. I work
all day/ a lot of nights more recently, come home and have to clean/cook/etc.,
otherwise I feel like nothing will get done.

I have enormous anxiety about the future, financially, emotionally. How can I
provide for two people, two cats, get a house on my current salary, let alone
bringing children into the picture, which is what we want more than anything.

I've been leaning on drugs (adderall, kratom, nicotine) more than I should and
smoking actual cigarettes again. I feel like I'm a slave to my environment and
don't know what to do.

I just want to be happy and have security for my family. I want to pursue my
old hobbies (making games, music production), etc. without feeling like
they're an escape while everything around me crumbles.

Anyways, thanks for listening.

~~~
michannne
>I'm overworked and jaded at my current job... ...but my lack of a proper CS
degree always feels like a blemish on the CV when I apply to jobs.

Same here, only difference is I work at a startup so I don't want to leave out
of fear I won't get a piece of the pie when the company blows up.

>In my home life, I feel like I'm the sole provider and I have to do
everything... ...I just want to be happy and have security for my family

I won't tell you how to run your relationship, but it's important to remember
the main benefit of dating is that if it's not working out you can simply walk
away. I've seen many friends get pressured into staying in a relationship
they, deep down, don't want to be in or aren't ready for and come up with
various reasons for why they can't leave. Relationships are all about
compromise, no one likes to cook, but someone has to, no one likes to work but
someone has to, etc. If you're giving 100% and the other person is giving 0%,
10%, 20%, 40%, I can't say if it'll work out or not, but it'll definitely end
up deteriorating you.

>I want to pursue my old hobbies (making games, music production), etc.
without feeling like they're an escape while everything around me crumbles.

I had the same problem. Getting pressured at work to put in more hours, do
more work for no raise, take responsibility without authority, I wasn't going
to sacrifice my life even further to appease someone making 3x as much as I
was.

I declined. Not only that, but I started leaving earlier, coming in a little
later, took slightly shorter, but more frequent breaks. I began focusing more
on my hobbies as well. I've found that the world awards those who push back.

------
rikroots
Question: does anyone have any tips on how to recover from burnout at work?

I ask because I've taken the steps required to get myself out of an -
unpleasant[1], let's say - work environment. I left my last job with a little
bit of money in the bank, fully intending to set myself up as a freelance web
developer; I did the research and planning work I needed to do before leaving.
Everything was set to go - brave new chapter of my life etc.

Three months later, I'm still sitting at home trying to find the will to take
the first steps. I know what I have to do - network, hustle for contracts,
build that killer portfolio site. Interact with the real world. But ... I feel
like an old rabbit caught in the headlights, not knowing where to hop. I doubt
my skills and abilities. As each day passes I make plans to do stuff, and then
I don't do them. As each day passes, I become more convinced that nobody would
employ me anyway - so why make the effort?

I have absolutely no regrets about leaving my job. I felt, as I approached the
fifth anniversary of my employment there, like a bomb primed and ready to
detonate. Feeling that rage leach from my body in the weeks before and after
my (planned) departure is one of the best feelings I've experienced in a long
time. But the drive and determination I was expecting to feel in its place -
it just hasn't turned up yet.

And my cash reserves are running out. Food doesn't put itself on the table.

Any advice on how to rediscover a missing Mojo would be very welcome!

[1] Small company with a wonderful business plan which greatly helped me
develop my tech and soft skills as I moved into the tech industry. Sadly their
business plan didn't work well so they pivoted, and pivoted again, and again,
until by the end I was the last software engineer in the office, doing work I
actively hated. I came very close to closing my laptop and running for the
hills twice, before coming up with a plan to manage my exit in a planned,
civilised way. Nobody's fault. Just the way the world evolves.

------
hdoihajsoiujdol
I joined amazon a few months back and I kind of hate it. I feel like I've
become a constantly working shell of my previous self and I feel like a robot.
I had joined with such expectations but it sort of feels toxic. Anyway I had
to get this out off my chest so posting it from throwaway.

------
DreamScatter
I am a math research programmer with an advanced mathematical, programming,
and engineering background, but I don't have a career or degree and I am not a
student either. The universities at this point are pure social judgement
garbage and the professors are more concerned with administrative bloat than
with science. If I can manage to get a career in this idiocracy then I may be
okay in the long run.. but I am on my own with that since the universities are
unreliable and useless.. I have no plans of going back to university and will
continue my research in pure mathematics, engineering, and computer science
independently until I get a career. For now, I am okay and happy with having
the freedom to study my own way, but obviously I am not guaranteed a career.

------
elmersglue
I don’t know who I am and what I want. I’m in my 30s and engaged because my SO
couldn’t accept the status quo. I recently dropped out of my PhD after 3 years
or floundering to take a job. I worry every day about the decisions I’ve made
and I’m afraid of regret. I feel like a mess. I can’t articulate my thoughts
but I know I have an aptitude for programming and math, though I constantly
second guess my solutions and revise them all the time leading others to doubt
me. I don’t believe in anything or anyone. I can shoot ideas down like
nobodies business but have no vision myself. Sometimes I wonder if how I view
myself matches up at all with how others view me. I fantasize about my own
death. I can’t commit. Feeling sorry for myself I guess, but feels good to
write it out

------
manish_gill
Don't know. I moved to Europe a month ago, leaving friends family and
girlfriend behind, only to find out that the company might be facing a tough
time ahead - CTO has left, primary revenue sources are expected to take a
downfall and investor confidence is low.

I was actually hoping to do some sort of part-time Data Science/ML Masters
along with my work, but looks like I'll have to get back on the interview
grind pretty soon. Not looking forward to getting back on the Interview grind
- take home assignments which last a week or so, or intense algorithms
training. Next company will definitely be a stable/big tech one. But for that,
I'll need to leetcode like crazy.

Unsure of my future.

------
aroundtown
Honestly I'm not.

I haven't had a job in 5 years, due in part to relocating for my partner,
family health problems, and then my own health problems.

I've developed a bad anxiety problem, due in part to the shitty job
experiences, which has been amplified due to my own health issues.

To top it off, tech work generally leaves me unfulfilled. I don't want to work
on another CRM, build another website, or fix another damned computer. I want
to do work that matters, work that is new and innovative. I'm tired of not
making money.

Finally, I am sick and tired of all the bad luck I seem to have. I'm on the
wrong side of the success bell curve and I don't like being here one bit.

------
throwawaytoon1
Disclaimer: throwaway account.

I have a great job that pays well, love my colleagues, etc. But I feel like my
management hates or at the very least ignores my existence. My boss doesn’t
understand technology: every time I do something that saves others time or
money I get torn a new asshole about how nobody asked for it or how they don’t
understand how it works. Consequently I find myself just doing the bare
minimum they ask for, which is demoralIzing because I know I could do so much
more. I’d love to do a startup or another job, but I need a guaranteed
paycheck for my family.

I don’t know. I feel like Bilbo Baggins: too little butter scraped over too
much bread.

------
nonymouse22
Thanks for asking.

This was a weird week at work. I've been at this place for a year and a half.
I wasn't excited about the work but was in a bad spot financially so took the
job. It's nothing like the fancy folks here, only internal help desk in a
healthcare org. I've had lots of ups and downs over that time as the nature of
the work directly has stressed me out physically and mentally. The amount of
calls, the tedium and sameness, the attempts to get management to solve
problems and help us be more efficient falling on deaf ears, etc etc. I really
broke down over a call and getting into a meaningless argument with a
colleague and had to leave. I told my boss I thought I was finished. He said
take the day and relax.

The next day, we talked, and worked out the issue. He's been very supportive
despite some of my behavior and we're working on adjusting my role away from
what I'm doing now and towards things that better fit my personality. The
other guys are having some fun and jokes about it at my expense (as if a
mental breakdown is just a 'fun happy sick day') but I'm doing my best to
ignore the jibes.

I've been in therapy since February, working on a lot of other issues plus
this and my therapist had some interesting insights as well. We both think
this is a good change. The biggest thing is trying to find some meaningful
things in life to balance out the inevitable stresses of work.

It's difficult in the US to find a good therapist, either because of shady
insurance companies or, now that things are somewhat less stigmatized, great
demand, but I highly recommend it. Your friends may be great but there's
nothing like an objective perspective with years of training. Ask for sliding
scale if you need some financial help.

Also, I learned through this process, it's entirely possible to have mild or
moderate depression and not really know it until those down times really hit
hard. I used to think "oh, it's just melancholy", etc. A small pill every day
and therapy have made what could've been a difficult past two months much more
bearable.

Anyway, that's my story for this week. Hope everyone out there is OK and has a
great weekend.

------
mindcrime
Am I OK? More or less, yeah. I definitely experience a lot of stress, but a
lot of it is self-imposed, based on goals I chose and choices I consciously
made. There are definitely things that weigh on my psyche sometimes, and I
have (infrequent) moments of despair where I wonder if any of this is worth
doing.

But by and large, yeah, I'm good. I have a plan, I'm working towards it, and
I'm having fun along the way. The occasional despairing moments are when I
allow myself to focus on the delta between where I am and where I want to go,
or if I get caught up thinking about certain things in the past.

------
algaeontoast
Not really, I’ve been looking for work for about three months after my team at
a FANG was let go due to a legal fuck up by my boss.

I’ve been leetcoding but have only passed 3/7 tech screens only to be ghosted
for the on-site after a pass or passed up after the on-site.

Starting to question if I was ever creative or really good at this profession
- but don’t think I’m skilled enough or have the energy to do my own startup.

I have 2yrs experience, but scared my prior work history will make it look
like I jump jobs or can’t hold a job down.

Fortunately, my health and mental health are in check and I have a place to
live in the US that’s relatively cheap.

~~~
akhilcacharya
Which prior company?

I could swing a referral for you if it wasn't Amazon.

~~~
bradenb
I'm not saying at all that OP doesn't deserve it, but is it common practice to
refer someone that you don't know?

~~~
akhilcacharya
We have a concept of networking referrals and personal referrals. Networking
doesn’t require strong prior knowledge.

------
foxtrottbravo
In all honesty, no I'm not. Two weeks ago I went to my GP to diagnose a light
swelling / discomfort in my left cheek.

He gave me two rounds of antibiotics and it seemed to get better. Then
recovery stopped.

GP sent me to the ENT. ENT also isn't sure what it is but is sure that the
first suspicion was incorrect.

Tomorrow I have an appointment in the hospital for a biopsy to make sure the
change in tissue is not malignant.

So I'm unfortunately not OK, I'm shit scared for what is up ahead.

Thanks for asking, since I haven't had anybody to talk to since Wednesday
where I got the news that it might be something way worse than what we
expected.

------
q5jwB6bD
I'm sure that there are people in this thread that are in a lot worse
situation than me but ... I could use some damn friends. Especially local ones
with the same interests/hobbies.

Also, my job is super boring. I have an advanced degree, multiple
certificates, years of experience, moonlight as a consultant, and I write
basic SQL SELECT statements in solitary confinement every day. I've tried to
convince my organization multiple times to use me to my full potential.

I worry about my health when I retire. Sitting behind a desk for the majority
of the day, every day, is not going to end well.

~~~
jiveturkey
change jobs. change cities while you're at it! the change will be refreshing
and might spur you to be [more like] the person you want to be.

------
compassionnerdy
This is a great start - an annual reminder to care about your fellow humans...
and actually express it.

I challenge HNers especially to express care and compassion in this way more
than 1x/yr. it costs nothing to indicate you care about the other humans you
share your oxygen with, no matter how jaded you may be about their beliefs,
behaviors, work output, technical expertise, or whatever it is that might
normally put a person at the top of your proverbial shit list.

At the end of the day, we are all human, and sometimes it’s nice to remind
yourself - as well as others - of this fact.

------
stevens32
I love this thread, thank you for posting it. It's awesome to see this stuff
talked about, even if only online. I wish more work places valued this
question.

I'm fine, though struggling a bit. I'm taking a long break to scratch project
itches but other life priorities have made progress slower than I was
expecting. But, I love those other priorities so it's stuck between clouds and
a soft place!

I understand I was very lucky to be able to take this break. There are a lot
of comments in this thread I could identify with. Fingers crossed this becomes
a regular Ask HN!

------
jcadam
My previous job was absolutely terrible. Toxic office politics, a culture of
overtime, micro-management hell, and of course, _bad engineering_. It got to
the point I would arrive in the morning and sit in my car for several minutes
because I just didn't want to walk into the building again. The place was a
pressure cooker and I usually left angry and exhausted at the end of the
(long) day.

When I came down with freaking _shingles_ (at 38, no doubt brought on by all
the stress and lack of sleep), I knew it was past time to get out.

------
mikemountain
Hey guys, I'd like to recommend something to everyone here. There is a book I
have been reading to help manage my depression, and I think it could behoove
many others as well. The book is called How to Stop Feeling So Damn Depressed
(The No Bs Guide for Men) by Jonas A Horwitz. It's about 140 pages long and
has given me a good outlook on handling these feelings and emotions I have.

I'd also recommend everyone to see a mental health professional, if they
haven't and are struggling. There is no shame in seeking help!

------
thanatropism
The other side of this is mania. I've been truly OK, GREAT ACTUALLY, NEVER
BETTER, I'M A PTERODACTYL!! but mentally unwell and pretty much headed for a
crash like a booming speculative financial crisis is.

I think the better attitudes to mental health is (1) self-compassion and (2)
compassion in general. Health is never a binary -- my blood work says I'm in
Good Health but as I run through my late 30s I have occasional muscle aches,
get gassy or super sleepy after certain meals and so on.

We're human. Life is transient and fragile.

------
jLyrrad
Yes, doing really well! Managed to do tons of things so far in my life.

------
Random_Person
I'm in an odd place right now where everything is (mostly) okay. My needs are
covered. My children don't hate me. I have an amazing girlfriend. I get to
spend time with friends sometimes.

I have wants, mostly related to work, that are causing me discomfort at the
moment, but that's on me. It's not that I'm overwhelmed, quite the opposite
actually. My job is pathetically lax, and my career is stagnant. I'm hoping to
change that soon. I'm looking for my next opportunity.

------
xrd
At the recent XOXO festival here in Portland, there was a dsicussion by the
authors of the book "Burnout":
[https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/592377/burnout-
by-e...](https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/592377/burnout-by-emily-
nagoski-phd-and-amelia-nagoski-dma/9781984817068/)

I really found it illuminating, and their suggestions helped me get out of a
momentary and powerful funk.

------
whoisthis12
I guess I am doing relatively fine. I am in my early 20s and this is my first
job after graduation.

But I have this irritating problem that I keep obsessing over any unsolved
problem from work, which seems to affect my personal life as well. Until and
unless I complete that(which can be a simple algo or lets say a small
features), it basically keeps bugging me. Is this relatable to others? Maybe
this is because of my lack of experience, and gradually with time, I can get
over it.

------
throwaway002967
My partner died 5 months ago unexpectedly. I'm not okay. I probably will never
be okay again. Work is where I can forget I have a personal life for a few
hours a day.

------
dreamy_jack
No, I'm not. I'm at the beginning of my career, and so far I have only worked
for companies that collapse! For the past three years, I have not had a
reliable/steady income. In my current company, we are already being told to
begin looking for another place. Last year at a time like this, the former
company ran out of money now this! I don't even want to work anymore.
Financially stability allows you to focus more on your work.

------
cloudytoday
I love this and have had other folks use this type of thing regularly in start
off meetings. Nice way to pause a bit to check in with people. We used a scale
of 1-10 and if you were lower than 7, you explained why... sometimes it was a
work thing and sometimes a personal thing but it gave the group a chance to
either help problem solve or offload work things to give our colleague extra
space to deal with the things outside of work.

------
omar_a1
I've been unemployed for four months now. And, ironically, have been
overworked preparing for the slew of technical interviews I've had these past
two weeks (four just this week). If you had asked me this question a few weeks
ago, when I had zero job prospects, I would have said no, but being busy again
is giving me a newfound sense of purpose. Let's hope at least one of these
interviews pans out! Fingers crossed!

~~~
dwaltrip
Good luck :) I'm sure the preparation has helped!

~~~
omar_a1
Hey, thanks! =D

------
why-oh-why
I’m not ok, I worked for 5 years as a “freelance” semi-full time, until 2
years ago when work kinda stopped coming in.

I haven’t worked since and got stuck taking care of some popular open source
projects I can’t stop working on.

I can’t get out of this loop and my skills are becoming obsolete and
forgotten.

I have on the other hand learned the basics of 3 South East Asian languages
while living here. That’s all my life has become now.

------
100-xyz
I think modern life has torn the social fabric apart. There have been numerous
studies on loneliness and a sense of alienation recently. A solution could be
more face to face interactions. Junior needs to put down the phone and play
with real friends. So does Senior.

[https://its-near.me](https://its-near.me) \- Connect with people and events
nearby

------
rpmisms
It varies. I'm 18, working a high pressure and underpaid development job. I
have some clue what I'm doing, but I'm nowhere near skilled enough to get
another job fast, and my work/life balance isn't exactly giving me time to
learn new skills. I have some social life, but it feels like that's the only
thing holding me back from insanity.

------
DidISayTooMuch
If I can get a girlfriend, I'd be ok. People say you gotta be complete
yourself and not look for another person to be alright, but that's kinda
bullshit, I think.

I live in SF and dating is so app based here. I don't do well in these apps.

Apart from that, I think I'm ok. Don't really like working fulltime but I've
gotta a FI/RE plan to leave in a few years.

~~~
JelteF
It's not dating advice, but this comedy show might make you feel a bit better:
[https://www.netflix.com/nl-
en/title/80223685?preventIntent=t...](https://www.netflix.com/nl-
en/title/80223685?preventIntent=true) (Daniel Sloss: Jigsaw, in case link
doesn't work for you) There's some good life lessons in there about the
feeling of needing relationships and it's very funny at the same time.

------
harshavamsi
I guess I'm doing okay but the tremendous pressure of needing to do well in
career and added to that FOMO and the feeling of never knowing enough has been
extremely daunting. Sometimes I'll make never ending lists of things that I
would need to know in order to feel good and "better than the rest". But it
does take its toll.

------
muloka
There's also Project U R Ok that I think should be mentioned.

[https://projecturok.org/](https://projecturok.org/)

"an inclusive community with expert mental health resources for teens and
young adults who are committed to ending the stigma and isolation of
struggling with mental illness."

------
ebmcqueen
No. Honestly, not really. It's an inevitable cliff I would be foolish to think
I could avoid, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to use the momentum of
destruction as propulsion towards a better trajectory.

It's sucks being tired all the time, regardless of how well I do at making
other people money.

I miss waking up rested.

Sorry, had to vent.

------
darkfire613
Honestly no. I’m preparing to interview with a big company that I’ve been
interning with and I’m suffering pretty bad imposter syndrome. I’m terrified
of technical interviews, because I’m worried of being called out on things I
don’t know and realizing I might not be as qualified and knowledgeable as I
think I am.

------
sys_64738
I used to have trouble sleeping as the problem of the day was constantly in my
head. My minimal solution is to go home at a milestone point where you've
solved the problem to a point requiring further debug/writing of code. I try
to apply this always now, especially for weekends and vacations.

~~~
redisman
I found meditation to be most helpful with it. Now I catch myself doing it and
put an end to it.

------
sizzle
Unfortunately no, my father had an intercerebral hemorrhagic stroke and in a
coma with a bad prognosis as the bleed reached his brainstem and enter a
ventricle.

I wish I could spend more time with him, work consumed me. Everyone please let
your parents know you love them. Life hits you hard when you least expect it.

------
rapfaria
Can't change jobs right now because of upcoming trip with my mother in
November, and the client will probably not renew the contract in december
(from 16 people, from client and my company, 5 already left). The timing is
not right to change jobs, and it's giving me a lot of stress.

------
noaoh
No. I'm a CSCE major in my last year of college and I simply don't want to be
there. I feel frustrated, lonely, overworked, and that my hard work is not
paying off in any meaningful way. I have an offer at (insert non-tech
megacorp), and the deadline to respond is next week.

------
CalRobert
All day long I try to get work done while 90% of my brain is filled with
abject terror at accelerating, unstoppable climate breakdown, ensuing global
war, and the possibility that I will witness or be part of the deaths of
billions of humans. And that it will be worse for my kid.

~~~
pbourke
I suggest that you do two things:

1\. Stop consuming the news.

2\. If it helps, take some positive, concrete steps to contribute in a
positive way to the issues that you care about. You can reduce your carbon
footprint, donate to organizations that appear to be helping, and cast your
vote in a way that aligns with your values.

------
timwaagh
If somebody asks me this question i know i'm coming across in a very negative
way and the best thing to do is to leave, even if i am feeling only a bit
tired. Generally my only consolation is that the person asking the question
does it so that he can feel good about himself.

------
i_can_c_sharp
No, I am not OK. Mortgage, being sole provider, a heart attack (stress
related) three years ago, corporate environment 9-10h a day, incompetent
managers, impossible schedules, my own incompetence, family issues, suicidal
thoughts. I’ve started seeing a therapist.

------
alkonaut
Still good in September. October still coping. November wondering how on earth
I’ll manage 3 more months of total darkness. December to February a blur of
slugging through the dark. March to September again great. That’s a year with
SAD above 60 degrees north.

~~~
kraftman
Can you move south?

~~~
alkonaut
Probably not (schools etc) for now I have tried doing January in the Canary
Islands (they have Swedish schools there) which is fantastic. Don’t think I’d
want to move there permanently.

------
tomazio
After reading this thread, I feel fantastic compared to most of these answers.
Thanks HN.

------
mathgladiator
Not great, overloaded myself with too many responsibilities and am now working
to simplify my life. Dealing with the fact that there are only so many areas
that one can go really deep in, and I have learn to accept my limits.

------
gothack
Not really, previous gig broke me in many ways, I have incredibly low self
confidence, I feel low and broken, had to move out of the country I began to
love, and I'm not sure how to continue my career feeling like this.

------
wysifnwyg
I'm having a hard time balancing work and my health. According to my manager,
I'm performing far beyond their expectations for the role but I can't seem to
stay healthy enough to stay within my sick hours.

------
cwarrior
I have been dealing with a bad relationship (totally my fault) due to
attachment issues (anxious-avoidant) and rOCD as a result of it. Really
annoying stuff, pretty much have ended my relationship cause of it.

~~~
meat_time
OCD gang rise up. OCD sucks man, it's so debilitating. I currently have
retroactive jealousy and I feel it slowly destroying my relationship, already
affecting my mood and productivity every single day for over a year now. 9
sessions of psychologist so far. I swear my partner and I are just
incompatibility, which sucks because before I knew certain information which
triggered me, I was the happiest I was ever been. I can't talk to my partner
about it because she feels personally attacked. I can't talk to my friends
about it because they don't understand, and it's simply "get over it" \- I
would if I could.

It was too good to be true. Good luck with you rOCD sir, I hope you find
peace.

------
leekh
I'm okay. Just got surgery on my eyes to correct my strabismus. I'm taking a
week off of work.

I taking my last OMSCS class, but the pressure is on to pass. Overall, life is
okay. Could be worse but I'm fine.

------
lostgame
I appreciate this being brought up. I was sexually assaulted this week and
been astounded at the lack of support for women in this situation in Toronto.
It’s been one of the toughest weeks of my life. :(

------
TASMebWdhWc9NeA
No. I have a chronic degenerative neurological disorder, and I am having a
hard time accepting it.

I am gettig professional help for this, and I hope it works out, because it's
eating me up.

Thanks for asking.

------
dummy
I think it's very important to have a good work life balance. Especially if
you work the whole day mentally. I try to do sports regularly.

Especially important is the support from family.

------
saintPirelli
Is there a name for that feeling of not having enough time to learn everything
you want to learn? I have that pretty constantly. Other than that I'm doing
great.

------
danbrooks
I am doing OK, thank you for asking. I recently graduated from a PhD program
and am learning more about ML applications in industry.

------
sjustns
I just wanted to comment to recommend a book: The Earth Has a Soul: C.G. Jung
on Nature, Technology & Modern Life

------
needtokilmyself
i'm not ok too. been 3 months I can't sleep well. Only few hours.. had been
thinking ways to die.. easiest way, fastest way.. painless ways.. 3 months ago
i was out of a relationship that hits me so hard..she was the love of my
life.. i was ready for everything. i lost everything.. i'm not ok..

------
ehPReth
hoping canada expands assisted suicide to include people like me so i can go
sign a form and peace out tbh

------
ehvatum
Break free of the bullshit. Find your own reasons to enjoy the challenge of
becoming a better person.

------
samirm
I disagree that mental health is anymore stigmatized than it is in other
industries. Source?

------
make3
This is a really good idea, and should be a recurring HN post, like Who's
hiring etc.

------
amingilani
I don't know what okay is anymore. I feel confident though so I must be.

------
adreamingsoul
Thanks for asking! I’m going to reflect on this question some more.

------
timka
No and yes. Recently an HR person contacted me offering a position. She said
she'd appreciate any feedback. I replied honestly that I'm 38, has been doing
automation for 20 yrs, moved to another city and experience an existential
crisis, suffering from loneliness and alcohol and drug abuse. I also added
that IT industry is a terrible thing as well as capitalism in general. She
never replied.

On the other hand, she helped me to spell out what my problem actually was and
I realized that I was just trying to escape the relationship with the woman I
truly love because of some stereotypes. And thus I decided to go back to where
I came from.

Am I ok? Still not. That'll be a challenge but that's definitely better than
before.

------
codewritinfool
No, I'm not. Family health issues.

~~~
natalyarostova
Stay strong friend. I've been there, and it is a true challenge in strength to
still take care of yourself, take care of work, and take care of your family.
You can do it though, you have to find an inner strength you (may) not have
needed before.

------
stronglikedan
Yes, and thanks for asking!

------
jshowa3
I don't Terry Bogard.

------
fallingfrog
Depression and anxiety are not individual problems if everyone has them.
They’re a reflection of how our society treats people. Unfortunately, taking
the problem seriously would involve confronting capitalist power dynamics, so
instead we will simply increase funding for medications and prisons.

And the problem will get worse..

And worse..

And worse..

------
Porthos9K
If I had ever been OK, I wouldn't have gotten into tech in the first place.

~~~
quantumwoke
Why do you say that? I think there's a lot of things that are really great
about tech industry and there's some things that aren't so great. What's been
your experience?

~~~
bpchaps
This field fucking sucks.

I'm tired of being on call 24/7/365.

I'm tired of having to explain why plaintext passwords are bad.

I'm tired of being taken advantage of for being a generalist.

I'm tired of ex-google asshole bosses with massive egos.

I'm tired of carrying a laptop with me "just in case".

I'm tired of the constantly shifting "popular" technologies.

I'm tired of spending weekends indoors studying for work, instead of work
giving time to learn.

I'm tired of pretending to find conferences on monitoring systems exciting.

I'm tired of my coworkers and bosses being high at work.

I'm tired of JIRA.

I'm tired of consultants telling us how we're using JIRA wrong.

I'm tired of the politics behind technical decisions.

I'm tired of having to learn _another_ DSL.

It all feels unreal. Can't wait to get out of this field.

~~~
johnfactorial
What will you do next? You can be rid of all these problems if you start
raising chickens in the woods and selling eggs and poultry.

~~~
bpchaps
No need to be patronizing.

~~~
johnfactorial
Sorry, didn't mean to sound insulting, my wife and I routinely discuss leaving
our programmer jobs to move out into the woods and raise chickens.

~~~
bpchaps
Ah sorry. That does sounds relaxing, even in jest.

I'm trying to get out of for-profit tech and into the non-profit space to do
data/FOIA/investigative work. It's still "tech work" at the end of the day,
but without the deep dread of making rich dudes richer.

~~~
elcomet
You can join a research lab as a software engineer, or even start a PhD.

~~~
bpchaps
Need a degree for both of those.

------
shiohime
BUSTAH WOLF!

------
tiredav
Exhausted. I don't work in IT, but I suspect my job has a lot of parallels. I
make my living running live sound for bands and small music venues, while also
doing corporate AV for a large AV contractor. Despite what outsiders may
think, working in the music industry is murder on your social life. Sure, you
get to go to neat concerts and meet awesome artists, but it also means you're
working most weekends and many evenings. During the day, there's a good chance
you're sleeping. I often don't get home until 3 or 4 in the morning. The lows
are low. I'm often so nervous before a show that I almost vomit. The highs are
great though, I often go home after a good show in a state of ecstasy. It's
amazingly satisfying on the rare occasion when I'm able to enter a flow state
while mixing.

The corporate side is probably about what you'd expect. The hours are long,
the pay is low, and most of the work is boring and/or ethically challenging.
While some of the events are interesting, (I had a blast working with the guys
from Earth Science Information Partners) I've also worked back to back 4 hour
Amway pitches and helped set up mics and projectors for boiler-room style real
estate schemes. It's the kind of job where your coworkers are really
important. I really enjoy working with my normal team, but one day with a bad
team can really undermine my self confidence for days afterwords. There's a
lot of really crappy political stuff that I'm trying to navigate.

Personal life? I'm financially stable, I have a few friends, no romantic
relationships nor prospects. The latter is sad to me, but I'm a tough sell. I
really enjoy being alone and highly value my privacy, probably to a fault. My
schedule is so variable and full that the very idea of coordinating that with
another person makes my brain hurt. My dad died recently, which was rough. At
first I was a bit numb to it, and really threw myself into work and keeping
busy. Now, I feel like it's all catching up to me. The flood of feelings and
nostalgia are beginning to creep over the spillway of my hastily constructed
dam. The overwork is beginning to take a toll physically and mentally. I've
had to dial back on a lot of the live music stuff.

I sympathize with those who want to move to a cabin in the woods. I'd take
that life, provided I had a well stocked library and some musical instruments
with the means to record them. My fantasy is to just disappear. Quietly and
carefully I'd made the arrangements in advance, and then one day I and all my
stuff would be on the road to some distant city, without so much as a note. I
don't know why that idea appeals to me, but it may come from the same part of
the brain that nags you to delete your entire source tree and start from
scratch.

PS protect your hearing folks. You can get earplugs with a relatively flat
frequency response for about $20. PPS no, you can't charge your phone

------
Hayvok
Yep.

------
ryanmercer
Nope, I hate my job. First, it's worth noting I'm an not CS or any such as
people often assume everyone is CS on here.

What I do is highly repetitive, right now it's 79F and change in the office
which is cooler than yesterday and my chair and pants are both damp from
sweat, I have a GED and have been doing the same job for 13 years now. Most
stuff wants a 4-year degree for entry level work, I've even seen a bunch of
admin assistant type jobs at local law/medical offices here in Indy wanting 4
year degrees and/or as much as 15 years of experience on Indeed.

I'm 34 so even if I wanted to take on tens of thousands of dollars of debts,
I'm looking at nearly 40 before I have a degree. Nearly 40 to start at entry
level at something. Add to that I'm a terrible test taker, I'm purely awful at
them and always have been.

Hell, I can't even get a "thanks" from people. One of the people that was
doing [http://carbon.ycombinator.com/](http://carbon.ycombinator.com/) paid me
to do a bunch of research, I spent weeks of my evenings doing math and
research on things like what efficiency Azolla could remove CO2 at and how
much area of fresh water would be needed, on kelp and seaweed farming, new
polymers, etc and then wow, this page gets published and oh hey guys, they're
thanking people at hte bottom this is gonna be so cool my name is gonna be
right down there!!! Nope, "Ideas & content: Gabriel Lopez, Zack Abbott, Greg
Rau, Leonid Kozhukh, and Sam Altman; Design: Max Marele; Illustrations &
implementation: Vlad Omer; Coffee getter: Radu Spineanu; Feedback & content
edits: Maddie Hall, Adriaan Kroon, Camille Ricketts, Drew Reid, Ryan Flynn,
Akwasi Apori" don't see my name in there at all, but at least I paid off a
bill with what I got paid for it but I can't point to someone and go "look,
look I was part of that!" I just have a 1099 from a random LLC. I tell you
what, that chapped my ass so bad when I saw the 'thanks' section and my name
wasn't there. Like ok, cool. Thanks for reminding me I'm not worth
remembering.

I make enough to pay my bills, but not to remotely adequately fund my
retirement. Despite housing here being in the 100-150k$ range for a decent
house, home ownership will likely stay beyond my means as well. I can afford
Netflix/Hulu/the occasional meal out but buying a big ticket item (my daily
driver is a Chromebox 2 for example) or having a proper vacation is purely a
dream... someone flew me out to San Francisco for a couple of days last year
and the few Uber rides and 3 sub 20$ meals in the hotel obliterated by 'fun
budget' for a couple of months.

Now add in that my, retired early via disability, mother and I live together
and that I've never had a meaningful relationship as an adult (nothing past a
few dates) and the regular rejection by potential employers "no experience"
"not enough experience" "we require a 4-year degree" "would you be willing to
move to the other side of the country for an entry level positions" "we wasted
your time with 4 video interviews, scheduled while you were working, but we're
not remotely interested in hiring you" "unfortunately your bankruptcy...".

Yeah. I hate my life. Most of my friends are married, have houses, have nice
jobs, have remote jobs, do cool stuff a few times a year, some have kids,
always have the latest tech and I'm just over here like "I mean, it wouldn't
be so bad if I like had a heart attack in my sleep, would it?".

I don't even know what I want to do in life, finding out hasn't been an
option. I've been working full time since the day I turned 18 and the maximum
allowed hours prior to that from 16 on, with my first job being around 11
delivering papers on foot and during the summer going store to store on Main
street asking if anyone needed their windows/display cases cleaned or wanted
me to go get them lunch for tips.

2-3 years ago I reached out to someone that has had success after success, and
to my surprise they replied and gave me their number and answered email after
email of mine. When I asked initially what their secret was, they told me it
was luck. Just luck. They got lucky. Where the hell is my luck? You get lucky,
get your idea funded, sell your idea to another company, get the opportunity
to do next thing, then get the keys to the castle, then have a bunch of
success on the side, and then go start another thing that right out of the
gate has people lining up to fork over money to be involved and you're taking
a vacation over to that continent with your extended family, and then going to
that continent a few months later, and showing off this bauble online, owning
this crazy thing and that crazy thing and this crazy thing and getting invited
to personally witness historical events and I'm over here like, shit man,
that's cool, I just want someone to give me a job and let me prove myself
instead of requiring some idiotic piece of paper from a university.

Around this time last year I went fully outside of the box and desperate... I
legitimately tried to sell my life to someone. I figured out about how much
money I'd need to retire today and told them I would will them 50% of my
estate, 15% of all gross earnings for xx years AND the benficiary of as much
life insurance as I could obtain (up to but not over the loaned amount) and
give them as much access to my financial dealings going forward as they
required. They declined "that would be like slavery" well what the hell do you
think my life is now? If I have even a minor cash emergency, I'm screwed and I
already had to fiel bankruptcy once. I make enough to survive with some
comfort, I do not make enough to grow or enough to experiment. What I would
have done with the money is just vanished for a month, just disconnected from
everyone and gone camping and seeing new places for a month. Then I would have
started looking for what I want to do with my life. I'd love to go apprentice
with a blacksmith for a week or three, I'd love to go audit a few brick and
mortar college classes to get an idea of if it is something I feel I could
actually do. I'd love to go volunteer at various volunteer opportunities and
just interact with people and hear their stories and struggles and try and
find out who I am and what I want to do/be.

So, no I'm not ok. I hate my job, I hate my life, I hate the world we live in
(for way too many reasons to list here). There are men that effectively have
their own private spacecraft walking around this planet but taking a 3 day
trip to Disney World is literally a dream that I'd never be able to justify at
my current income because I could use the money for far more practical things.

------
Tcepsa
Yes, I am OK. In the micro, immediate term I'm a little burned out: The summer
was fantastic, but draining; I have 4 weeks of PTO and I used most of it
within a two-month period on 4 different trips with my family. It was tough to
make sure I stayed connected enough at work, and in some ways I am still
catching up a couple of weeks after returning from the last travel. Speaking
of work, I'm thinking of making a MAJOR transition; it is a fantastic
opportunity, but I am also concerned about the details (it is an internal move
and I like the group I am with quite a bit, so I really want the things and
people I'd be leaving behind to be in as good a shape as possible, avoid
burning bridges, etc.) There are so many projects at home that I feel like
I'll never catch up (e.g. it's the end of the summer and I haven't started
building the raised garden beds that we were going to put in _last_
year)--much of that is because other projects with higher priority bump them
back in the queue, but it still rankles a bit. And our spending has been
outpacing our earnings for long enough that I'm a little worried about our
savings.

But longer term, things are fantastic. I've been a software
developer/engineer/architect/whatever for about 16 years now, the last 12 with
the same (non-FAANG) organization (though I did a similar internal transfer
about 7 years ago, which has turned out to be an incredibly positive change of
direction for me). I have a high degree of autonomy and several different very
interesting projects that I could choose to be working on. (For example, I
recently stepped back from a managerial role that has been taking most of my
time for the past 3 years or so to focus more on technical work). I'm making
in the low six figures, and expect to see my salary continue to increase
steadily (though it will be interesting to see how my stepping back to a more
technical role will be reflected). The work-life balance and corresponding
flexibility that I have here are wonderful (generally 40 hours a week, and if
I go over because of travel or deadlines I can usually take a corresponding
amount of time off in the next pay period or two, and it only happens once or
twice a year). My commute is about 15 minutes. I have a spouse and kids, and
that's not without its own stresses but in general things are going well with
them. I am on great terms with my parents and siblings, though I don't see
them as often as I might like.

Thank you for the opportunity for me to step back and appreciate that for a
minute, especially in the face of all this short-term anxiety I'm facing. If
you would have told me this when I was back in highschool and the hell that
that was, I probably wouldn't have believed you. Heck, if you would have told
me this back when I was struggling with VBA 15 years ago in my first job, I
might have been pretty skeptical (me, a manager? Pshaw!) But I am so glad that
I didn't give up, that I made time to hone my skills, and that I took those
uncertain leaps into the opportunities that I found.

------
aykutcan
no

------
andbberger
no.

------
i-am-ok
TL;DR # Dear quantumwoke, are you ok? Thank you for posting this here. I hope
you and your friend are both happy and healthy. You don't have to read this, I
started writing and just couldn't stop, feels good to put things in writing. #

I am a 25 year old guy from Melbourne, Australia. This is my first time
leaving a comment on Hacker News. For the last two years, my home page has
been set to /newest because of the wide variety of intellectually stimulating
reading material. If this community did not exist, I would have missed many
wonderful articles, ideas and opinions because I would not have stumbled
across them by accident any other way.

Over the last few years I have had a little bit of misfortune and made a
number of mistakes. I grew up in a loving and supportive middle-class family
home and had no major trauma of any kind during my childhood. My parents are
both well-educated professionals and have no history of mental illness. I've
had issues with moods, sleep, energy levels and body temperature my entire
life; self-diagnosed as probably on the mild end of 'rapid cycling biploar' in
primary school with the help of WebMD (lol). During early teens, my parents
thought I was just "going through puberty" and my high school consellor
thought I might have "some anxiety" but I was good at faking happy, self
medicating with weed and the really bad days were so rare that I was largely
able to keep things under control.

Around three years ago, I randomly got the shit kicked out of me by three guys
in broad daylight, just around the corner from my apartment building. I hadn't
ever been in a serious fight before and while I was not seriously injured, I
was bruised from head to toe and pretty shaken up. I did not realise that this
event would mark the beginning of my descent towards rock bottom. About a week
after this incident, I decided to go out alone for a quiet drink. It was mid-
afternoon, I walked into a dingy pub in the city and bought a pint of beer.
I'm sitting alone at the bar for a couple of minutes and I'm not exactly sure
why but I decide to put $20 in one of the pokie machines. In retrospect, maybe
I was just the right combination of anxious, lonely and restless; I was
definitely looking for an escape. I'd never really gambled on anything before
but it seemed like a harmless way to kill an hour or two. There were plenty of
other people playing, the staff were all smiles and there is a small chance I
might even win something, what's $20 right? A few minutes later, I'm tapping
away 30 cents at a time and nothing much seems to be happening. I had no idea
what a payline was or how the game actually worked beyond knowing that it is
impossible to beat the house over time. Suddenly the gold symbols on the
bottom of the screen begin the spin, a feature I had not seen before. After
plenty of flashing lights and dinging bells, the cartoon character on the
screen informed me that I had won a $2138 jackpot. I was in disbelief about
how 'lucky' I had been, got the cashier to write me up the cheque and walked
straight to the bank to deposit it. A few days later, I had an hour in between
appointments so I went back to the pub. I put in $40 and I lost but it didn't
concern me. Slowly the frequency of my visits grew; then I started taking $50
notes instead of $20 notes; then I started increasing the size of my bets from
30 cents a spin to $2 a spin.

It wasn't long before I was making multiple ATM withdrawals within the space
of an hour at the casino; turning my phone off to avoid phone calls from my
ex-girlfriend while I played for hours without a break and lying to everyone
around me about my financial situation and whereabouts. It took just a few
months for me to go from my first big win to losing every dollar, destroying
important relationships and being suicidal on a daily basis. It was at this
point that I started to seek help and I was eventually diagnosed with
Borderline Personality Disorder. Now that I am better educated and more self-
aware, there is no doubt in my mind that I have always been a borderline.
Before my addiction, I was probably a 2/10 on the crazy scale; I'd been a
little anxious, a bit oversensitive, often somewhat depressed but NEVER
psychotic or a danger to anyone. Pokies messed up my brain chemistry to the
point where I walked into Police HQ and politely asked them to lock me up; I
had plans to kill a government minister and several gambling industry
executives and I was genuinely worried that I may act on these thoughts.

It's now been almost a year since the last time I entered a venue, I have a
roof over my head again, I'm seeing a psychologist on a regular basis and
planning to return to study. The experience has changed me forever in ways I
could never have foreseen. I'm suspicious of behavioural marketing, social
media and video gaming; I see them playing the same dirty tricks as the casino
industry to get people hooked. I'm skeptical of our current political and
economic systems; party politics and crony capitalism seem totally
incompatible with the ethical and environmental demands of the 21st century.
I'm fucking terrified of what happens when we combine modern knowledge of
human behavioural psychology, the big data surveillance state, exponentially
more powerful ML/AI, bioterroism and gene editing, trickle down economic
models and personalised deep-fake filter bubbles delivered to your always
connected holo-glasses.

In conclusion, I'm ok but I'm not so sure about the future of the human
species. Please convince me that I'm wrong. Or tell me what campaigns,
initiatives and projects you think I should spend my life working on (assuming
that I want to leave the world in the best state I possibly can when I die).

------
throwaway12999
Nope. I was fired 9 months ago for insisting that leadership disclose a
credential leak to affected customers. The company is one that publicly touts
itself as being an ethical, progressive, transparent organization. Turns out
if a disclosure doesn't improve the image they're attempting to market, those
values go right out the window.

The whole experience has left me jaded on working with for-profit tech
companies, and put me in a pretty rough mental state all around. I feel
disgusted with myself when I consider working for another vc backed org, so
now instead of making a healthy west coast engineer salary, I make minimum
wage in a bar, and am teetering on the edge of homelessness.

~~~
suyash
Sorry to hear you are going through a hard time and having fired can be a
traumatic experience, I have had that before and can still remember that phone
call. You will get over it, I would say there are too many companies with
great cultures out there so it's just a matter of time and effort when you
find your next one, just think it of like numbers game. I would also suggest
working on something you are passionate about and finding a community of like
minded individuals, that may bring you joy :)

------
scoobyyabbadoo
I've been receiving threats through social media for a few months now by
anonymous trolls. Kinda sucks because I never know when/if they are going to
start a harassment campaign in real life. I've seen them do it to others, it
can be disruptive but is not the end of the world. I kind of wish it would
just happen already so I can move on with my life. It's hard to start any new
projects if you don't know if you're going to run into a ton of new problems
for a few months unexpectedly.

------
patientplatypus
Not really.

It's looking more and more like the (human-civilized) world is going to end
from an environmental apocalypse because people keep working jobs they hate to
buy shit they don't need. And there's nothing that can be done to stop it. It
wouldn't be so bad if I didn't think the world was about to go to war over
what little resources are left.

So how you doin?

------
thanpro7979
It's the opposite for me. I recently took up working hard again and I'm
finally into it as well. However, the anticipation and excitement is making it
hard for me to go to bed and sleep.

------
throwa20190912
Is posting through Tor not allowed? Only I am able to see my comment.

~~~
dang
Your comment was killed by a software filter that is based on past abuses by
spammers and trolls. But moderators review the comments that were killed that
way, and unkill the good ones (like yours,
[https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=20952659](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=20952659)).
So this filter is mostly just a delay mechanism.

Users also often restore the comments to visibility before moderators get to
them, by vouching for them. (To vouch for a dead comment, click on its
timestamp, then click 'vouch' at the top of its page. There's a small karma
threshold (> 30) before vouch links appear.)

------
couss
lol

------
timpannn
You funny brah

------
ta0987
No. What's it to you?

~~~
ta0987
_Let 's have a pity party._

OK

 _Except that guy. Fuck that guy._

Seriously why are you asking? What are you going to do about it if I say no?
Oh, nothing? What a surprise! Fuck you. Fuck all of you.

 _Sorry guy, politically correct and socially acceptable expressions of misery
only._

Fuck you. Fuck all of you.

------
mapcars
There is no such thing as stressful jobs, stress comes when you do more than
your faculties can handle.

------
apolymath
I can care less about what people think, I have an unbreakable mindset to
protect my dignity, honor, and freedom of speech. I will never need
psychological help because not one person on this planet can
mentally/emotionally damage me. I persevere as a software engineer / FPS gamer
/ cyclist / drone racer / graphic designer / web developer (C#, T-SQL,
ECMAScript 8, SASS) / mobile app developer (react native), open source
developer.

I don't allow myself to get into extremely stressful situations. If anyone
tries to force me into a stressful situation, I refuse. I will not be a "hero"
unless someone's life is in danger. I am willing to quit my job to prevent
myself from being overwhelmed by stress. I have a certain level of
expectations when it comes to how I am treated as a human being and how I
treat others. I am not responsible for anyone's "feelings" except my own,
therefore, even though I respect one's feelings, I am willing to disregard
them to prevent my own suffering. My mental health is more important than
anyone else' mental health because I am human, humans can be ruthless
individuals, and so I must protect myself from the ruthlessness of this world.
If the world was different, let's say, like it is in Bhutan where they have an
economy based on happiness instead of export, I would be more willing to be
emotionally vulnerable towards other people, but this modern world of ours is
in fact ruthless.

...and that concludes my rant.

