
Mathematical and Scientific Joke Competition - gnosis
http://www.simonsingh.com/Joke_Competition.html
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gnosis
It is said that papers in string theory are published at a rate greater than
the speed of light. This, however, is not problematic since no information is
being transmitted.

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btilly
Q: What is the volume of a thin cylinder of height z and radius a? A: pi _z_
z*a

The Buddhist monk asked the master to explain the Dirac delta function. The
master slapped him and he was enlightened.

A Buddhist walked up to a hot dog vendor and asked for one with everything.
The vendor prepared it and said, "That'll be 5 dollars." The Buddhist handed
over $10 and the vendor said, "Change must come from within."

~~~
gjm11
I think the last one (which I love, though I don't think it has anything to do
with mathematics or science) usually begins with the Buddhist saying "Make me
one with everything". The pun is lost in the version above...

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edw519
A mathematician, a scientist, and a dean were kidnapped. When their university
refused to pay the ransom, the kipnappers announced that they would kill them
all, but only after each got his last wish.

The mathematician said he had an elegant alternative proof to the four color
theorem and would like to sketch it out. It would only take 1 hour.

The scientist wanted to show his proof that the universe is flat. It would
only take 2 hours.

The dean said, "Kill me first."

------
gnosis
An infinite group of mathematicians walk into a bar. One says to the
bartender, "I'll have a pint please." The second says, "Half a pint, please."
The third says, "Quarter of a pint, please." Just as the fourth is about to
open his mouth, the bartender says "I see what's happening" and pours 2 pints.

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RiderOfGiraffes
f(x) walks into a bar and the barman says "We don't cater for functions."

 _sin(x)_ , _cos(x)_ and _exp(x)_ were at a party, and while _sin_ and _cos_
were having a great time, _exp_ was sitting by himself. When asked why he
wasn't joining in he said "Everytime I try to integrate I just end up with
myself."

~~~
abscondment
Q: What's ∫dCABIN/CABIN?

A: A natural log cabin by the sea!

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gjm11
The jokes on Singh's page are pretty lame. There's a selection of mathematical
jokes at [http://mathoverflow.net/questions/1083/do-good-math-jokes-
ex...](http://mathoverflow.net/questions/1083/do-good-math-jokes-exist) (I
_thought_ I originally saw that link on HN but may be misremembering), of
which the cleverest are very much cleverer (and to my mind funnier) than
those. However, they're mostly submitted by, and rated by, actual
mathematicians, so many presuppose quite a lot of mathematical knowledge.

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jwecker
Three mathematicians were out bow-hunting. Laying low they spotted a buck. The
first took aim and let loose but the arrow silently zipped by 10 feet to the
right of the dear. The second took aim but the arrow missed- 10 feet to the
left of the dear. At which point the third, a statistician, jumped up and
yelled- "We got it!"

------
gnosis
A joke of the first order was told to a Scotchman, who was unable to see it.
The person (X) who told this joke told the story of how the joke was received
to another Scotchman, thereby making a joke about a joke of the first order,
and thus making a joke of the second order. X remarked on this joke that no
joke could penetrate the head of the Scotchman to whom the joke of the first
order was told, even if it were fired into his head with a gun. The Scotchman,
after severe thought, replied: "But ye couldn't do that, ye know!" X repeated
the whole story, which constituted a joke of the third order, to a third
Scotchman. This last Scotchman again, after prolonged thought, replied; "He
had ye there!" This whole story is a joke of the fourth order.

    
    
      (from "The Philosophy of Mr. B*rtr*nd R*ss*ll", by Philip Jourdain)

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camccann
When the Great Flood subsided and the Ark came to rest, Noah let the animals
out with the admonition to go forth and multiply.

Some time later, Noah went for a walk to check on the animals and their new
families. All was well until he reached a pair of snakes, who had no children.
Worried, he asked them what was wrong. "Please," the snakes said, "Cut down
some trees, that we might make our home in them." Noah was confused, but did
as they requested.

Next time he passed by, Noah was delighted to find a happy family with many
young snakes. Noah congratulated them, but was still confused, and asked why
the felled trees were so important.

"We're adders, you see," the snakes replied, "So we need logs to multiply."

Edit: Argh, I somehow managed to completely overlook that this joke was listed
in the runner-ups in the linked article. Sigh. I'll leave it here anyway
because it's my favorite math joke.

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argv_empty
"Q. What's green and commutes? A. An abelian grape"

Mmhmm.

What's green and commutes, and is worshipped by a limited number of people? A
finitely-venerated abelian grape.

What's green and had all of its children involuntarily committed? A simple
grape -- it has no proper, normal subgrapes.

~~~
gjm11
A friend of mine, in view of the joke above and the (more famous?) one about
Zorn's Lemon, decided to attempt to classify all mathematical fruit jokes. I
believe he found only one other; unfortunately it depends on more specialized
knowledge than the other two. "What's green and determined up to isomorphism
by its first Chern class? A lime bundle."

Curiously, I think I have never before heard the abelian grape joke told with
a green rather than purple grape.

~~~
argv_empty
Same, I've always heard purple. From there, you get: What's lavender and
commutes? An abelian semigrape.

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Stasyan
Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson flying hot air balloon. They get lost, so
they have to land. They have no idea where they are. Sherlock Holmes asks
passing by guy: "Excuse me sir, but where are we ?" Guy says: "You are in hot
air balloon" and he walks away.

After some thinking Sherlock says : "That person was a mathematician". "How
did you know that ?" asks Doctor Watson. Sherlock Holmes replies: "Well first
he gave a very precise answer, and second - the answer was completely useless"

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biotech
A statistician is shooting arrows at a target. The first shot flies by the
target, missing by exactly 2 feet to the right. The second shot flies by the
target again, this time missing by exactly 2 feet to the left. The
statistician exclaims, "Bullseye!"

~~~
gnosis
That reminds me of the sad case of the amateur statistician, who drowned
crossing a stream with an average depth of six inches.

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RiderOfGiraffes
Q: What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?

A: A woolley jumper.

Q: What do you get if you cross a mountaineer with a mosquito?

A: You can't cross a scalar with a vector.

~~~
fgimenez
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a banana?

Elephant Banana Sin(theta)

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blasdel
How many digits of π have you memorized? [http://www.smbc-
comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1777#c...](http://www.smbc-
comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1777#comic)

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RiderOfGiraffes
Q: What's an anagram of Banach-Tarski?

A: Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski.

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RiderOfGiraffes
A historian, physicist and mathematician were travelling by train from England
to Scotland for the first time and as they crossed the border they saw a black
sheep.

"Look!" said the historian, "Sheep in Scotland are black!"

"No," said the physicist, "At least one sheep in Scotland is black."

"Hmm." said the mathematician. "Of all the sheep in Scotland, at least one of
them is at least half black."

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jodrellblank
A mathematician is working in his study and he smells smoke. Turning around he
sees smoke creeping round the door - fire! Quickly he pulls out a fresh piece
of paper and starts scribbling.

As the crackling of the fire grows louder and the room is heating up, he
relaxes back in his chair, pushes the paper aside and calmly returns to what
he was doing, having proved that a solution is possible.

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ambulatorybird
"You young programmers have it so easy. Why, back in my day, we could only
program in ones because zero hadn't been invented yet!"

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roundsquare
How is the first one a joke? Just because the waitress knew calculus? If thats
the joke, how in the world did it win?

~~~
pmichaud
That one depends on the delivery.

~~~
roundsquare
I don't think any delivery could actually make that joke good. The only way I
can see it being funny is if it actually happened to me...

How are you imagining the delivery though? Maybe I'm missing something.

~~~
pmichaud
I'm not imagining it, I tell that joke, and to the right audience it's quite
funny. Of course, most people don't think it's funny at all, so maybe it's a
special brand of dweeb that appreciates it, and maybe that's a dubious honor
8)

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csuper
Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? A. He worked it out with
a pencil.

