
Ask HN: Anyone else in constant anxiety and how do you cope? - disturbed
I was wondering if anyone else is in the state of constant anxiety, not only at work, but at home too. How do you cope?<p>Here are the several contributing factors in my case:<p>- feeling of incompetence at work
- sole provider for the family. 
- lost the will to code (I try learning new things but give up after a few days). 
- I’m 43 and have not accomplished anything, not even financial security for my family. 
- too scared to change the job I hate (gambling industry, corporate JIRA sweatshop, for 13 years) because I’m incompetent. 
- social anxiety. 
- racing mind, incoherent thoughts.<p>Edit: so incompetent I don’t know how to create a bullet list here
======
cannonedhamster
I've got terminal cancer in the US. I'm looking at the prospect of losing my
job, which means my health insurance, which means I'll have to stop getting
treatment and die. I feel you about constant anxiety. Might I first suggest
you realize you're human and that where you're at isn't some crazy abnormal
place right now.

I've had times where I've gotten frustrated because with a literal deadline
I'm still just too tired to get things done and I beat myself up over things I
can't control so it's easy for me to negate the small progress I make because
I'm comparing myself to a healthy version of myself.

I'm glad to see that you are in therapy. It's going to feel like some days you
get nowhere. Remember that any goal you're trying to attain that's difficult
is like climbing a mountain. The higher up you go the harder it is to see all
the individual steps it took to get there. With life once you get to the top
of one mountain, there's always another mountain to climb. It's a journey not
an objective.

There's a Buddhist saying that's helped me when I get frustrated at myself for
getting set back."Begin Again". Get stuck on something, begin again. Life
intrude on your learning for a bit? Begin again. Lose everything in a terrible
storm ? Begin again.

For reviving the love of coding, I suggest doing something you either enjoy
with coding or something you see as having purpose. Make it small as a
project, then break it up into smaller parts. Start with the hard part. When
you get frustrated work on something easy or give yourself some time to just
think on the problem. Is there a different way to view it, are you trying to
be too complicated, what would it look like if you could be absolutely sure it
would work, are there smaller tasks this could be broken into that would be
easier to solve apart?

You're worth putting in this effort. You can do it. Love and light.

~~~
disturbed
I’m sorry about your condition. Compared to that, my problems are
insignificant.

I try from time to time to code something... I’ve been learning F# lately. I
force myself to sit in front of computer and do something, anything.

But, somehow everything is tainted by the thought of going to “the pit” in the
morning. I don’t know how to overcome that - to disconnect when I leave
office.

~~~
cannonedhamster
I've been really lucky in my treatment and I'm well past my expected
survivability so I'm good with the condition.

Regarding the taint you feel, that's similar to writers block. Try a different
setting if you can, make sure you're enjoying yourself before you start. Then
just go with it. No expectations, no harsh deadlines. You get done what you
get done and you're going to have fun doing it. This is going to sound like a
really odd thing to do but it really does change some things, take a few deep
breaths holding them for a bit before letting them go and after that just
shake the anxiety out. Shake your whole body until you feel silly. When you
sit down, smile, even if it's forced and make sure your posture is not
slouched. Your mind will follow your body. Then start whatever it is you want
to do.

------
farleykr
I've struggled with a similar situation - anxiety stemming from childhood
trauma - for a long time. The things that help me the most are:

1\. Basic self care: get enough sleep (~8 hours a night), eat plenty of
healthy food and cut out as much junk food as possible, and make time for
doing something you enjoy each day, even if it's only for 20-30 minutes.

2\. Therapy: Either straightforward counseling or something more involved like
EMDR or neurofeedback brain training. I can recommend the latter. It has truly
changed my life.

3\. Spend time with people you love and who love you. Self care and healing
would have never been remotely possible or effective for me if I didn't have
solid friendships with a few people who truly cared for my best interest and a
good relationship with my kids and spouse.

*EDIT: I forgot to add, look into taking medication. I take a small dose of Lexapro daily and it has made a huge difference.

In order to heal and improve your situation, you MUST make time for these
things. Don't try to add them on to whatever your day to day already looks
like. Cut out other stuff as much as possible and increase the amount of time
you spend on 1-3. Be forgiving and kind to yourself with this part, but do be
as ruthless as possible with making time for 1-3.

In my experience, taking care of self and being involved in healthy
friendships and family relationships creates a situation where the confidence
and will to make changes to things like your job becomes possible.

~~~
disturbed
Thank you. I have been drinking more lately. I guess I should stop. I find it
hard to enjoy anything. I was thinking about why is that. I found I don’t like
myself at all and I guess deep inside I think I don’t deserve to feel joy. My
therapist says I’m emotionally immature. She’s probably right.

~~~
robsinatra
You must stop drinking alcohol. It is a depressant. You are literally making
yourself feel worse. No amounts consumed in moderation are helpful. Stop, cold
turkey. Don't wait to make this change, either, and try not to replace it with
an alternative. If you absolutely must find a replacement, try vaping high-CBD
hemp flower. I don't know what your country's legal status is for this,
though, and that may not be possible. It can be mail ordered from the U.S.
(see Tweedle Farms or Fields of Hemp).

~~~
ianai
Actually, kava kava is the best I’ve found outside of benzodiazepines.

~~~
op00to
Benzos don’t work at all for me. I have an Ativan script and it’s useless.
Should I be asking for something else?

~~~
ianai
Dunno, but kava is over the counter in many places.

------
fwsgonzo
First off, its probably a toxic work environment, and second, you're at a
stage where the walls are closing in so it feels worse than it is. Programming
is inherently a creative art with a core of logic and reason. For example, you
can solve your business case by writing shell scripts instead of Java. By
toxic environment, I mean that there are things at work that contribute, such
as the way your coworkers talk to you. One such example is that there is one
guy who is the go-to guy for all problems relating to X, and he solves this
while telling everyone all about it, all the time. This makes it seem like he
is the only one who can do it properly, which is of course never true.

Your financial security is just a product of the times. It used to be you
could have a house, a lawn, a car and leftover savings just from working in a
factory. Now, you are saddled with an unpayable house-loan even with higher
education unless you somehow manage to find a remote job, or you win the
startup lottery.

Last, anxiety can form bad feedback loops, where the lack of sleep means you
are simply not able to do anything during the day. It can also cause other
surprising problems, even wrist pains and RSI, simply because the anxiety
causes your body to tense up.

I think you, first of all, need to find a way to let go of the feeling that
your job performance has any bearing on your worth as a human being. It really
doesn't.

~~~
disturbed
> I think you, first of all, need to find a way to let go of the feeling that
> your job performance has any bearing on your worth as a human being. It
> really doesn't.

Yeah my therapist is trying to convince me of this too. I find it hard to make
myself internalize it.

~~~
cyberpip
I think the issue may be that this can come from both within the individual
and from society externally. Internally you feel low worth and then you see it
confirmed externally moving around in society. Speaking as someone who got
laid off and had to take one step back career-wise, I feel this but also, on
better days, realize I create my reality at the same time. It's a difficult
balancing act of who and what to give the most credence to.

------
LeonB
Sounds like you’re in a bad place.

I have a checklist I use to try and keep my mental health strong. The idea
isn’t that you get a perfect score on this checklist, but that you ask
yourself “what’s the easiest way to improve my score in this checklist at the
moment?”

\- Did you get a good night's sleep last night?

\- Do you see your friends often enough?

\- Do you have any enjoyable hobbies?

\- Do you exercise or get moving every day?

\- Do you have close, enjoyable relationships?

\- Do you avoid abusing substances like alcohol or other drugs?

\- Do you relax and take slow out breaths? (Or meditate)

\- Do you do things for other people?

\- Do you have any awesome pets?

Write up about it is here: [http://wiki.secretgeek.net/protective-factors-for-
mental-hea...](http://wiki.secretgeek.net/protective-factors-for-mental-
health)

Good luck. Sorry I’m not a professional.

~~~
disturbed
It’s “no” on all of them except hobbies - I do have one (but it’s fairly
recent).

Thanks for this. I guess the common thread in all of that is connecting with
others. I’ve always been a loner. I don’t know anyone I like spending time
with. I don’t know why is that.

~~~
LeonB
Ok I’d say look to do the simplest thing you can that increases your score at
all, asap. You don’t need to immediately make a friend somewhere. Work on
maybe the meditation question, or exercising (by walking) each day. That’s
MUCH easier to start on.

Good luck. Report back if you can.

------
hmwhy
Please take what @farleykr and @robsinatra said very seriously and act on
them.

A few years ago I suffered from anxiety/depression for about a year during
what I thought was the most important time of my career. I was overseas at the
time, obsessively working at least 10 hours a day without breaks and usually
every day of the week, drinking a bottle of wine or a couple of litres of beer
a night sleeping on average 5 hours a night. I absolutely hated myself, I
stopped playing and listening to any music, and actively avoiding staying in
touch with family and friends.

Then one night, when I was very drunk and literally crying on the streets, I
somehow decided to call my sister (whom I have already avoided talking to for
months at that point) and she made me stop drinking, sleep, and seek
professional help. I've always had a lot of respect for her, and I think
hearing it from someone I deeply care about made and the fact that she picked
up the phone when I needed someone the most made all the difference.

Anyhow! The point of the anecdote is I can't stress enough how important the
things @farleykr and @robsinatra said are. Once you start feeling better you
will be in a much better position to act on the advice that everyone else has
kindly given about career.

As for feeling incompetent, I think a bit of that is a good quality to have
because knowing and admitting what you don't know something is a very powerful
skill; just don't sit on it forever (as others have said) because nothing will
become better if you wallow in it.

And one last thing about dealing with incoherent thoughts: write them down. I
think it's too easy to sit there to theory-craft/fantasise/make excuses in
your head all-day long; so try writing them down while taking care to
_organise_ them, and _be honest to yourself_ , as best as you can.

~~~
disturbed
Thank you for sharing this

------
Zealotux
Some advice coming from someone who dealt – and is still often dealing – with
anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.

The very first thing you have to understand is that your perception is biased
by your mental issues, is your feeling of incompetence backed by any facts? Is
your boss continually complaining about your performance? And even if your
performances are as bad as you think they are, I wouldn't be surprised since
you seem to hate every moment of your life.

From how you described yourself, I don't see a loser, I see a 43 years old man
who's going through a lot of sacrifices to provide for his family, I'd call
that courage. I don't see a loser, I see someone with a serious case of
depression, everything you described ticks all the boxes.

There is no magic pill to get you out of that, and coping mechanisms only goes
so far. You need therapy, plain and simple, and, if possible, time off your
job.

Start doing things you enjoy, don't code because you have too, maybe you're at
a time in your life where code isn't what you want to do anymore, and that's
fine, no shame in that, or maybe you just need a little time off. Many men
completely turn their lives around in their 40s, it's not too late, but you
have to take risks, you have to try new things, physical activity such as
weightlifting is usually great because it'll raise your testosterone levels,
but you can also start things you never thought you'd want to try: music,
dance, writing, astrophotography, bird watching, anything.

Just remember this: your thoughts are not logical, it's not your analytic
brain that's telling you you're worthless, it's depression, and pardon my
French by depression is a bitch, it's that asshole of a friend, always in your
head telling you just how much of a failure you are even when it's untrue.

Don't isolate yourself from people who care, there are more than you think and
they need to know what you're going through. Seek medical help, and take it
easy, friend.

"It gets easier. Every day it gets a little easier. But you gotta do it every
day —that’s the hard part. But it does get easier."

~~~
gorbachev
Another thing is that EVEN IF your boss is giving you negative feedback about
your job performance that does NOT mean you're incompetent. It almost
certainly means you're just not in the right job at the moment.

A competent boss in that situation would try and find a better fit for you in
the organization and if there isn't one help you find one outside of your
current place of employment.

------
threeseed
1) Religiously exercise every single day ideally in the morning as it will set
the tone for the rest of the day.

2) Make your diet clean and light. No soft drinks. No heavy carbs. Plenty of
fresh fruit and vegetables etc.

3) Stop worrying about accomplishing anything. The point of life is to be
happy and enjoy the journey not be in some race with others.

4) If you give up after a few days then just pick smaller things you can
compete faster. And iterate between lots of different things to help reduce
the chance of boredom.

5) If after all of that you still feel anxious then see a professional. Not
just about medication but also how to program yourself to fall into less
anxious patterns.

~~~
disturbed
I always feel like I’m wasting time and should be learning or trying to find
another job. Then I start thinking about what to learn, what could I possibly
do, since the domain knowledge I have is about gambling. Then I open the
browser and.... down the rabbit hole I go

~~~
mft_
You _must_ have transferable tech skills that aren’t just specific to
gambling?

Anyway (while I admit I know little of your actual situation) I think you’re
probably overestimating how hard to would be to find another job - because
you’re lacking in confidence, and the unknown component of what a new employer
might want is daunting. I’ve been there - my assessment of my employability
varies tremendously, due to nothing but my changing mood.

Why don’t you just try applying for a few jobs? Don’t look on it as an ‘all or
nothing’ situation, and try not to attach any major hope there. View it as an
information-gathering exercise - an experiment. Even if you don’t succeed at
first, you’ll gather valuable information about the jobs market, and it might
give you a direction to take in the generation of new skills.

~~~
disturbed
I live in a small town, in a small country. If I tried locally the word would
get out. I could apply in a different country. I guess I’m afraid of proving
myself right that I am incompetent. But, you are right - can’t hurt to try.

~~~
mft_
Are you willing to relocate, for a better (ie great) role?

~~~
disturbed
Yes, I am willing to relocate. I will try updating my cv and apply for some
positions abroad.

------
BiteCode_dev
Sleep, friends, meditation (this requires serious practice, not dabling) ,
nutriment supplementation (a LOT of it), cut down on sugar, weight lifting,
intermitent fasting, psychotropic microdosing.

That's a ton, so I wouldn't start with more than one, preferably the easiest,
then increment. They support each otber because constant anxiety for me is
just the symptom that everything is going to crap.

Meditation has the strongest reward, but also the highest cost. Psycheselic
have the best cost/reward ratio but may hide other problems: once you feel
great, you may stop working on it.

Food, friends and sleep are hard, because they affect your life so much and
requires motivation.

Supplements require no motivation, little effort to take and have a huge
impact... But require a lot of reading, trials and errors et money.

Neverthless, I wish I knew all that 15 years ago. It would have saved me so
much trouble, and actually work on the root problem, as anxiety is just one of
the many small tip of a huge and deep iceberg.

------
alexanderthe-
I would start meditating, it will help you on being able to identify and
intervene on repetitive, negative thought patterns (rumination).

Give yourself 10 minutes everyday to train your mind. I use the app Waking up.

Release anxiety through some physical exercise several days per week, ideally
something you enjoy.

Every day, build some grit by doing something difficult - the fact that you’ve
done it, and continue to do it, will become a foundation for overcoming
resistance. I like to take a cold shower every morning, which seems silly
until you step up to the faucet and have to pony up and actually do it.

Read books, so few people read anymore, those who do are able to absorb the
distilled wisdom of many lifetimes.

Lastly, you are not alone, I don’t know how to create a bullet list here
either. You are also not alone in your struggles, we are all human and suffer
in our ways. Good luck.

~~~
disturbed
Thanks. Several people recommended cold showers or swimming in cold water.
Guess it doesn’t hurt to try.

~~~
temo4ka
You might find Wim Hof method useful then.
[https://www.wimhofmethod.com/](https://www.wimhofmethod.com/)

------
temo4ka
Several people in the thread have already recommended meditation. I’m going to
join them.

If you’re already doing therapy, consider complementing it with meditation.
Meditation, if done right, can be equivalent to years of therapy.

The benefits are great, and for your situation the most relevant are
reduced/eliminated anxiety, more willpower, energy, clarity (to see through
depression for example); but there many others.

However, there’s a catch: meditation is hard. It requires consistent effort
and dedication, just like any practice involving a complex skill (e.g., going
to the gym or swimming pool).

For a completely secular practice, I’d recommend “The Mind Illuminated” by
John Yates [1], a neuroscientist and a master meditator, whose aim with the
book was to create a modern manual for meditation by making old Buddhist
teachings accessible to an average westerner. The book is a synthesis of those
teachings complemented with both his experience as a master meditator /and/ as
a neuroscience Ph.D. This means that along with detailed instructions on how
to actually meditate the book contains theoretic chapters explaining in
popular scientific terms how your brain works and what meditation has to do
with it, by first introducing a simple model, and then gradually building upon
it as you progress through the book and develop your skill.

[1] [https://www.amazon.com/Mind-Illuminated-Meditation-
Integrati...](https://www.amazon.com/Mind-Illuminated-Meditation-Integrating-
Mindfulness/dp/1501156985)

~~~
disturbed
Thanks. I will look in to it - sounds interesting

~~~
temo4ka
Oh, and you if you need a little more persuading or motivation you might want
to check up on books by Sam Harris [1] and Michael A. Singer [2]. The first
one is also a neuroscientist and a famous sceptic, and the second is a former
programmer and a successful businessman. Personally, when I was in a similar
place as you are now, I found that simply reading Singer’s book was a form of
therapy.

[1] [https://www.amazon.com/Waking-Up-Spirituality-Without-
Religi...](https://www.amazon.com/Waking-Up-Spirituality-Without-
Religion/dp/1451636024) [2] [https://www.amazon.com/Untethered-Soul-Journey-
Beyond-Yourse...](https://www.amazon.com/Untethered-Soul-Journey-Beyond-
Yourself/dp/1572245379)

------
masterphilo
I’m probably the 50th person to say this, but I hope my saying it again would
add to its importance: there’s nothing that I’ve found more powerful and long-
lasting to my psychological health than regular exercise coupled with a
healthy diet. At the end of the day we’re animals, our thinking and behaviour
highly dependent on our surrounding environment and our metabolic functions,
and if those are disturbed, then we are disturbed. Consider taking a vacation
to get away from it all for a while.

------
Uptrenda
1\. A small amount of anxiety is normal and even very useful - but not when
it's a constant thing. It sounds to me like you may need to be on medication
for this. Your family doctor might be able to help you with this (or if they
can't they will refer you to a specialist who can - like a psychiatrist.)

2\. You've mentioned feelings of low self-worth. That's a classic sign of
depression. The racing mind and jumbled thoughts overlaps with many different
illnesses though. You definitely want to bring this up with your doctor
(especially the last part) as it might be a sign of something more serious
(not to scare you or anything.)

On a personal level: try to celebrate your own successes more rather than
being overly interested in what other people are doing. There's always going
to be someone doing better and if you're always looking at them you forget the
progress you have made. For the 'lost the will to code' issue -- its hard to
say what the cause is. Depression causes a loss of interest in previously
enjoyed activities, but honestly you might just be burned out and fried from
the repetition.

Practically, I can understand why you would feel stressed out over financials.
If I were you I'd look into moving somewhere with a very low cost of living
and find yourself a high paying remote gig (not sure how practical this is for
you -- probably asking a lot if you have a family and/or mortgage, idk.) I
wouldn't bother learning any new skills tho. It sounds like you already have
years of experience. You just have to sell your existing engineering skills
and how they translate to designing and implementing different systems with
any tech.

Good luck, hope your situation improves.

~~~
disturbed
Thank you. Yeah I’ve got mortgages and kids. And you are right I do sell
myself short sometimes. But on the other hand, there is a lot of young
(cheaper) talent on the market that I’d have to be exceptional to get hired
(or at least this is how I see it in my mind).

------
robsinatra
Please consider making time for therapy. See a psychologist who specializes in
cognitive behavior therapy. Finding a doctor takes work and then dedicating
time to see one takes even more so. However, this is the kind of effort that
really pays off! Don't do nothing about how you feel. No one on HN can replace
the sessions you'll have with a licensed therapist.

~~~
disturbed
Thank you.

------
nestorherre
I used to worry a lot about everything and had severe anxiety most of the
time. Not anymore.

Add meditation to your daily life, excercise at least 3 times x week. For both
activities you want to start SMALL, as small as you can so you don't end up
discarding them inmediately. With meditation I recommend starting with an app
like headspace or calm, also going to a meditation center after you have the
basics (or inmediately if you can). In my case I meditate for about 7-10 mins
each day. With excercise it doesn't really matter what you do, just pick up
any physical activity and get your work done each week. It is important that
you pick something you enjoy, so you see it as a hobby and relaxing activity
instead of a chore: in my case I practice martial arts.

Also read the book "Feeling good" by David Burns, this book touches mostly on
depression but some stuff can also work for anxiety.

------
craigr1972
I swim in cold water, every day if possible and ideally before work in the
morning. This has been a game changer in terms of reducing anxiety, being much
better able to cope with difficulties and frankly, making me into a much
happier and healthier version of myself. So much so that if I don't get in the
cold water for a day or two then I just feel like .. bleurgh. If you've read
"Flowers for Algernon" and recall towards the end where (spoiler alert) the
main character has come off the drug that makes him much more intelligent and
crucially - he can't remember what it was that had happened to him, just that
he had a sense of loss from no longer having some <very very good> \- that's
what this is like. Can't recommend enough. I also use running for the same
purpose, but cold water swimming in just a couple of minutes provides a
tremendous dose of <good things.> Also it seems to stop me catching colds.

~~~
East-Link
There's nowhere I could easily swim, would showering in cold water help?

~~~
owurkan
Cold showers can be a way to regain control through positive morning priming.
I wrote this how-to a few years ago: [https://medium.com/the-mission/a-year-
of-cold-showers-662ec6...](https://medium.com/the-mission/a-year-of-cold-
showers-662ec6d73454)

~~~
craigr1972
What a great article !

------
helph67
I'm not a medical professional. You might consider if you are getting
sufficient magnesium in your diet.
[https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/10-foods-high-in-
magnes...](https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/10-foods-high-in-magnesium)
[https://www.huffpost.com/entry/magnesium-the-most-
powerf_b_4...](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/magnesium-the-most-
powerf_b_425499)

Others here have stressed the importance of sleep...
[https://digest.bps.org.uk/2019/11/21/a-lack-of-sleep-
causes-...](https://digest.bps.org.uk/2019/11/21/a-lack-of-sleep-causes-
anxiety-but-dont-worry-about-it/)

------
ianai
I worked in gambling for the start of my career too. It’s a toxic atmosphere
at absolutely every level. They generally run on a principle of assuming IT is
worthless to the company and just a money dumpster fire. The way they treat
you has no reflection on your ability. At times, just the weather alone
dictates the mood of management. Others, management is actively alcoholic, on
the job!

I’d do everything and anything that could make your life more stable. The
biggest, positive place to start is, and this can take a lot of work, sleep.
Make proper sleep your first priority every day. There’s a whole lot that can
make sleep better or worse, so there’s no way for me to be complete. But maybe
consider going for a walk, writing in a journal, and consistent, exactly on
the same time every day melatonin slow release - and low dose.

~~~
disturbed
Thanks

------
teyc
I'm sorry to read this.

I hope you have at this point enough insight to recognize that logically you
are more capable that how you feel about yourself. Therefore, it is a matter
of making sense of that feeling of anxiety that you should be addressing.

If you speak to the right physician you'll probably be diagnosed with ADHD,
and it is driving a large part of your anxiety.

You should be careful about strengthening your ability to become more anxious.
After all, any neural pathways exercised become stronger with time. Give
yourself some quiet time each day where you get to ignore any anxious thoughts
that arise. They are junk thoughts at this stage, you can safely ignore them.

If you need any more motivation, please recognize your family suffers when you
cultivate thoughts like this. Find counter examples and keep reminding
yourself of them.

------
sellingwebsite
Lots of good suggestions here, but they miss the elephant in the room: you are
trapped and you feel that. It seems like a lot of your anxiety stems from
that.

My only suggestion would be to "climb out" of this trap. Since you can't find
another job in your town
([https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=21620176](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=21620176)),
try looking fo remote job openings. Freelancing and starting your own business
are options as well, but I won't recommend them for you, at least for now.

Start looking here

[https://weworkremotely.com/](https://weworkremotely.com/)

[https://remoteok.io](https://remoteok.io)

All the best

~~~
disturbed
Thanks for the links. I will look into them.

------
Protostome
I suffer from OCD (which manifests itself as constant anxiety).

My OCD is mainly health related - every pain or swollen part of my body
automatically leads me to fear I may have cancer (or other terminal illness).

The constant fear that I may die soon is highly debilitating - I have times
where its hard for me to function at work and be a good parent and spouse.

I'm currently taking SSRI medications, which really improved my well-being,
and recently started CBT treatment, but it is still a struggle.

I know it is not a popular advice, but if you find it difficult to be
productive, try medications at least for a short while. It can help you "break
the cycle" and jump start your life.

------
fros1y
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (or other treatment modalities) and, maybe,
medication! This sounds like the desperation of anxiety and depression. But
there is hope! Untreated, it can be a killer, so remember 1-800-273-TALK for
moments of crisis.

~~~
disturbed
Thank you for your concern. I am seeing a therapist. I don’t think I’m in any
kind of crisis though.

~~~
wahyuadi
Seeing a therapist is the first important step, congratulations!

Please remember that it may take some time for you to find the answers out of
your situation, including to grasp everything your therapist had explained.
Please give yourself permission to let those discussion / feedback sink in, no
need to rush. Trying to speed things up will only make it worse, as my
experience during my post-grad time shows.

Besides, I can't stress enough the importance of physical exercise. I wish I
had practised yoga back then. Or swimming as others had suggested.

I only relied on meditation and jogging, which was not effective given the
gloomy sky of Edinburgh that let the bad feeling coming back even during post-
running cooling down. Running made me feel a little better, but only for a
short while. You need to try any exercise that work for you. Running with your
friends, I think will, also help.

Now that I practised yoga for almost 2 years, and am learning piano from
scratch, I feel much better though that unwanted feeling sometimes keeps
coming back, but at least I can slowly win the battle.

Hope this helps.

~~~
craigr1972
I'm in Edinburgh too :) The sky is certainly gloomy today! In case of any
interest there's a swimming group through which people organise - "the wild
ones" on FB. I'm going along to a swim later today and there was another this
morning.

------
tomlockwood
I still get anxious sometimes, and the thing that helped most, back when I had
to stop going to university because of anxiety, was therapy.

And what I got out of therapy was techniques to kind of step back when I feel
anxious, and to realize that the problems I have cannot be solved now, when I
am lying in bed at 3am. That every step towards a goal is progress, and that I
wont die and lose everything because of one day where things don't go how I
hoped. Anxiety makes all problems immediate and life destroying. Most problems
aren't.

But, that recognition isn't always there for me. What made it mostly there for
me was therapy.

------
sidcool
I feel your pain. My advice would be to consult a professional. There is
nothing wrong in medication and therapy. It helps many people. And then, like
others mentioned, go for exercise and meditation. CBT/REBT also help. Idea is
the to address immediate panic and anxiety by Medication and treating long
term with meditation and therapy. More than curing the condition, you would
need to manage it.

It's hard but possible. You can be in a very different state of the mind
within 6 months. So do not lose hope. DM me if you need further info. Good
luck!

~~~
disturbed
Thank you! I’ve started seeing a therapist. We’ll see how it goes.

~~~
sidcool
Good luck. Also consult a psychiatrist. You will get better.

------
burntoutfire
Try decreasing your spending? The less you spend, the less you depend on the
miserable job. Being less dependent (ex. accumulating even a couple years of
living expenses's worth of savings) should give a lot of breathing room re:
changing jobs or even careers.

How to spend less? I personally have found this blog to be both very inspiring
and practical:
[http://earlyretirementextreme.com/](http://earlyretirementextreme.com/)

------
Havoc
Good tips here already. I personally found value in reading stoic philosophy,
but that's not for everyone.

>feeling of incompetence at work

Read up on impostor syndrome. Being aware of this helps counter it.

I also think it (mental issues) is more common than people realise. A shocking
number of my friends are on psych meds of some sort. Almost like it's a wider
society issue. So I think a strong case can be made for "don't beat yourself
up about it" \- plus that wouldn't help anyway.

------
tyzerdak
Here what helps If you scared about ppl dying or smth, 1) repeat in your head
"Humanity is the disease, Inferno is the cure" 2) repeat i can control only my
actions, actions of other is their own responsibility 3) control is illusion
4) humanity (retards) deserves all this shit that happens

You should abstract yourself from the environment. Somehow force yourself to
don't give a fuck because it's not your choice everything is shit. And let it
go to ashes.

~~~
tyzerdak
Before that^ you must del all social apps on your phone, and try not to open
social websites. You can leave messenger but not soc app. Also don't open
world news websites for a month or two so you can freely focus on stuff^.

------
riffraff
not constant, but I do suffer from some anxiety. First, it might be useful for
you to look for professional help.

Then, some things that were helpful for me, and may be helpful for you, ymmv:

\- check your health: maybe you suffer from physical issues, such as high
blood pressure, and you can help it with pills, which will help with anxiety.

\- drop coffee and sigarettes, reduce alcool, eat more vegetables and fruit;
it's weird, but it helps.

\- physical activity; I spend 1-2 hours every morning a day walking (or
running), it's good for both body and mind.

\- daily meditation; get a test account on headspace, try it for a week.

\- face anxiety-inducing things ASAP; E.g. if you are stressed cause you wrote
shitty code, just tell your boss/colleagues immediately; if you fucked up
something with your partner, tell them etc. Once bad things happened, you will
stop worrying about what might happen.

\- "hedge" your anxiety-inducing problems; if you are worried about your
family surviving without you, set up life insurance. If you feel incompetente
and unable to find another job, spend some time studying something new, and
try applying for another position, even if you don't want to take it, you may
be able to find something else, or learn what's missing.

Good luck, anxiety sucks.

~~~
mapcars
>\- drop coffee and sigarettes, reduce alcool, eat more vegetables and fruit;
it's weird

Why is it weird? You know in medieval Europe taking a bath was weird, two
centuries ago having tuberculosis was fashionable. What is more important -
fashion of times or your unique life? You must make up your mind.

~~~
riffraff
sorry, I was referring to the last part, as coffee, cigarettes and alcohol
have clear effects on the mind, while zucchini do not.

I only mentioned it may seems weird because generally one expects eating
fruits and vegetables to help with some generic "physical well being" but
doesn't think of them being useful for psychological health too.

~~~
mapcars
I would like to say something about this "because generally one expects". See
this is your life right here and now and soon it will be over. If your concern
about fundamental aspects like food is only "general" \- this means you still
not realized how important they are.

In other words instead of marking things "weird", "general" etc one should try
for themselves and see what works for real. It does require some courage and
intelligence but hey, it's your life what is this about.

------
RickJWagner
Author: I'm glad you wrote, I hope you are finding helpful ideas here. I'll be
brief:

\- Besides all the great ideas already here, consider religion. It can bring
great calm. \- If you have _some_ talent in your job, just know that 'imposter
syndrome' is real. Study it, you might get by. \- If you have _no_ talent in
your job, start looking for something different. It's not worth staying in
this case.

Wishing you good luck.

~~~
disturbed
Thanks. Religion isn’t my cup of tea.

------
t-h-e-chief
Ah, while there is a lot of good advice here, but just reading your symptoms,
it sounds like you may have adult ADHD. Forget what most people think ADHD is,
it should technically be called Executive Function Disorder and can be
associated with social anxiety, racing thoughts, motivation, etc. Go and see a
psychiatrist who specialising in ADHD and anxiety.

------
soul4krsna
I cope by realizing this is just a place to learn and i keep calm. The answers
you seek are beyond the mental temporary paradigm. When you see your Self with
your purified mind and are satisfied within your self as eternal consciousness
then all your anxiety falls like dead leaves. I recommend reading the
Bhagavad-gita by Prabhupada 1972 edition.

------
WheelsAtLarge
I suggest you try taking a class at a local college. Having to actually show
up will keep you interested and help you finish. I would also look at career
advice to help you plan your future. Your anxiety is partially cause by not
knowing your future. Sit down with a career professional and life coach to
plan your future and how to get there.

------
federiconitidi
Man, don’t feel this way. You are great, young and capable. Fuck the job!
There will be many opportunities for you and with hard work and a little
belief in yourself you’ll capture them.

Do you know how many great entrepreneurs, professionals and artists got
started at your age? A LOT!

~~~
disturbed
Thank you!

------
ajonit
I have read through several comments in the thread. #1 and easiest thing you
can do which will show you quick results is to join the gym and make sure you
hit it at least 5 times a week for minimum 45 minutes each time.

------
smitty1e
There is a menu of coping mechanisms. The ones that build the soul are
optimal.

Connectedness with a spiritual community is a source of energy.

Striving not to get too "believe after me" here, but how you answer the "Why
am I here?" question is crucial.

------
mapcars
If you want a real change - search for something called Inner Engineering. For
2 years since I've done it, I never had a single bad day. Apart from it bliss
and extasy became real experiences I now get once in a while.

~~~
emmanuel_1234
Looking into it, it may seem wonky (it does to me). A friend of mine, very
pragmatic and Cartesian enough gave it a shot and told me the same thing about
how his life was transformed. Maybe I should look into it more closely.

~~~
mapcars
It's ok, you can look at it this way: the worst case is you will waste some
money and a couple days. On the other hand the best case is your life can be
transformed in ways you can not imagine. You can listen to as many opinions as
you want, you will really know only if you try it.

------
padpnut
For me, daily meditation has helped reduce my anxiety and has made me
generally a more happier person. A book i recommend is The Mind Illuminated.
It’s a step by step guide into meditation.

------
disturbed
I’d like to thank everyone for the support and advice! Your kindness alone
made me feel better. You’ve also given me motivation to continue the fight.

------
dominotw
The advice here is terrible. How are you supposed to get 8 hrs of sleep if you
are anxious all the time, lol. Its like saying 'just eat healthy food ' to the
person struggling with weight issues. You cannot solve the anxiety financial
insecuitry for your family with "self care".

I think your only option here is to

1\. move into non-coding management role, you have to do everything at your
work to make this possible.

2\. Apply for management jobs everywhere after you have accomplished 1.

3\. Get upto speed on system design, study a little bit everyday. Its not hard
stuff.

4\. Get your spouse to start working even if its a job at walmart.

5\. Not sure what is going on with finances but why don't u have a 401k?

~~~
disturbed
1\. I dread that but it may be one option

3\. What do you mean by system design?

5\. Not in the US. Here everyone pays taxes and when you retire you get some
small pension (a lot of senior people digging through dumpsters for bottles to
earn extra money).

------
ozmaverick72
I feel exactly the same. Exercise helps. Psychologist helps a bit. Medication
helps too. Talk to people. You might find that more people than you think feel
similar.

~~~
disturbed
Thank you. The thought of medication makes me sad, I don’t know why. I am
seeing a therapist. Not sure if helps, I’ve only been in three or four
sessions.

For some reason I don’t like talking to people. Usually I don’t know what to
say and I don’t find interesting the things others talk about. I know it
sounds selfish but I don’t know how to pretend to be interested.

~~~
ozmaverick72
Yeah I know where you are coming from. I was reluctant to take medication and
I'd prefer not to have to take it. But when things get bad it's good to know
it is there as an option and it does help. It is hard to talk to other people
- can you find people with similar interests or hobbies ?

------
craigr1972
This might be the most valuable discussion I've ever seen on the internet. So
much great information, people reaching out and connecting.

------
sepisoad
i used to live with a sever anxiety, so bad that i could not get out of my
mind, i was surrounded by ugly and negative thought.

reading the book bellow helped me a lot, however you need to be patient and
accept the situation.

[https://anxietynomore.co.uk/the_book/](https://anxietynomore.co.uk/the_book/)

------
skrebbel
> _Edit: so incompetent I don’t know how to create a bullet list here_

HN has nothing for that. Use multiple newlines like so:

\- bla

\- foo

~~~
not_smart
Oh ok thanks. I tried two spaces indentation but it shows in monospace font
without wrapping (probably meant to be used for code)

------
atomashpolskiy
Most of us have anxiety and/or depressed mood nowadays. Have you read
Capitalist Realism? It provides a coherent explanation of what is going on.

There are no good recipes for getting out of this state of mind (because you
can't escape from reality). You may heal the symptoms by exercising,
meditating and taking medications.

To cure the cause though would require significantly changing your attitude
and reconciling your goals in life.

E.g.:

\- work is just work; it's neither a way of expressing yourself, nor should it
be used to measure your success in life

\- maintain and nurture close relationships with your family and friends;
establish relationships based on shared interests and fun, rather than on
economical utility

\- be political, engage in local and global communities; politics underlies
everything and gives people a higher purpose in life, but somehow we all have
been deprived of it in XX century; seek leaders and inspirations and try to
become one yourself (e.g. in a local community)

~~~
disturbed
Thank you. I get anxious around people. For example, every time I get out of
the house I have to prepare mentally. Going to the market store I have to go
through possible scenarios in my head. It’s been like that as long as I can
remember. I’ve learned to deal with it over the years, but it’s there.

That’s why becoming political or engaged in the community is difficult but I
like the idea and will try to find some way.

~~~
atomashpolskiy
I used to be a bit like that too, but then I just accepted myself and stopped
caring (and other people never cared anyway, as I found out eventually). Good
luck, I hope you find a way out!

------
srge
Therapy, regular workouts (5/week), regular meditation

------
craigr1972
To echo what was said above, you are not alone.

------
chobeat
Read Mark Fisher

~~~
atomashpolskiy
+1 (and he makes a lot of references to XX century philosophers, which are
worth exploring).

Also watch Adam Curtis. Read Noam Chomsky. Michael O'Church has been writing
very interesting stuff for many years.

------
throwaway180118
You're not alone

~~~
disturbed
Thank you

------
icris
i personally give up hope, the sense that someday i will overcome my
schizophrenia. instead i incorporate it as a new paradigm, a new side of me so
that by knowing it's there i know the cause and be able to handle it more
easily, and also by avoiding portraying it as a insurmountable monster so as
to convince it is just a trick of the mind on me and move on. no regrets, no
cries, no self-pity. that's more easily said than done sometimes but that's
the drive

i've never taken a pill so far chosen to take a more holistic approach and i
consider that i'm not in a worse condition than i would if medicated and this
gives me the extra benefit of considering drugs as a last resort of sorts if
nothing else works, if i was heavy on drugs that probably would give me some
sense of despair since it seemed there was no exit left, so if you need help
seek a psychologist rather than a psychiatrist. also seek support groups with
similar conditions in your area or online (that step we seem already making)
since we humans are social beasts rather than solitary wanderers and we need
the comfort of knowing we are not alone and somewhere there are people going
trough the same pains as we; that might be a group instinct bias pushing us
over to integrate but i feel that much more appeal with someone on the same
track knowing what i am talking about rather than talking generic abstraction
like "it will all turn all right" good intended as they may be, i prefer being
down with someone that understand my pain than being pushed up to party by
someone trying to compulsively cheer me up. i think we live in a society that
overall is trying real hard for everyone to feel good because that way we are
most likely to buy the junk that everyone is trying to sell each other on this
post-capitalist distopia, but i am digressing, the point is i think i have the
right to misery and to suffer, not passively but on my own terms, to reach
nirvana, whatever that means, on my own pace. so here's my advice: don't put a
bright face just for the sake of others, don't represent for them or you will
turn into a caricature of yourself, if that way you are turning away some
around you, maybe you are pushing the right ones and who's left are the ones
you can count on

~~~
disturbed
Thank you

