
Ask HN: Struggling with mental disorders, looking for advice - depressiontw
Throwaway for obvious reasons.<p>I&#x27;ve been diagnosed with all kinds of stuff, including schizophrenia, OCD, depression, etc. (The docs aren&#x27;t even sure themselves what I have) been through various medications and therapies, none of them seem to help.<p>Struggling with suicidal thoughts on a daily basis, nothing brings me joy etc.<p>I think my problem are only something which can be treated with medications, but I&#x27;ve tried so many and the docs aren&#x27;t sure what to do with me anymore.<p>Has anyone been in a similar situation and found a way out?<p>Thanks in advance.
======
webmobdev
> I've been diagnosed with all kinds of stuff, including schizophrenia, OCD,
> depression, etc. (The docs aren't even sure themselves what I have)

This sounds all wrong to me, and obviously will be very stressful for you. You
need to find a good hospital / doctor and get yourself diagnosed right. And
only then can you consider the right treatment for what ails you (I know this
must be obvious to you, but I want to emphasise it).

Depending on what you suffer from, life long medications might not even be
required (though will be helpful during therapy). For example, depression and
OCD can be successfully treated with therapy.

While I am averse to recommending self-help without knowing what you suffer
from, I highly recommend that you read "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by
Dr. David Burns (
[https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0380810336/ref=dbs_a_def_r...](https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0380810336/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i0)
). The author is a real doctor and a trained Psychiatrist and explains how
cognitive therapy can be effectively used to treat depressions and anxiety.
And he also explains how anti-depressants works technically (you can skip that
chapter if you find it too technical). It is well written and everything is
explained in an easy to understand manner.

------
skilled
What do you spend most time worrying about? And has your mental disorder got
any connection to spirituality? I have been down this road many times and have
immense experience, and will from time to time get sucked in there myself
because I'm being careless.

Also, habits? Smoking, drinking? Good if not. Bad if yes.

Btw, thanks for the honesty. When I do go down, I struggle with the same
stuff... and it takes guts to admit that to yourself and others.

And get off your meds. It's not worth it. I have had a tab of Valium (12
pills) last me for the last 2 years. I only take it when I get an ultra panic
attack, and mine tend to be the _out of this fucking world_ kind...

And friends I know that sat on pills for a long time said they eventually fuck
you up even more. For this, I would suggest getting into a regular exercise
regime despite how shitty it is to get up and do that stuff...

Happy to hear your thoughts and give some general advice.

~~~
depressiontw
>What do you spend most time worrying about?

I don't really worry about much, it's just the general apathy and anhedonia.
What does restrict me are traumatic things I've done thanks to my
schizophrenia/psychosis.

Yes, I smoke pot (I know this is a stupid thing to do if you've been diagnosed
with schizophrenia, but it's the only thing bringing me joy anymore)

I tried getting of my meds, but notice getting really restless and my thoughts
begin to race when I do so.

------
new_guy
They can't diagnose you because you're fine, it's your environment that's
poisoning you.

Have you thought about just saying f*ck it and going on a trip? Not just a day
or so but a week, a month, a year, get away from your current situation.
Rediscover yourself and live!

~~~
depressiontw
>Have you thought about just saying f*ck it and going on a trip? Not just a
day or so but a week, a month, a year, get away from your current situation.
Rediscover yourself and live!

Thought of doing something like this, that requires money though, which I
don't have.

------
ishan1121
I was in a similar phase (not schizophrenia) but others yes. Meditation helped
me a lot. Going out and meeting new people will also help you.

Depression happens due to you stuck in one place, with no way out. Just go out
daily, experience new things you are good to go. Stay away from smoking,
drinking, movies, tv shows, porn, and interent in general for a while. Trust
me you will be back up in no time.

And lastly exercies daily. Go for a morning run (around 6 am) and then join a
gym or a fighting class.

------
chmaynard
Yes. Thanks for reaching out in a public forum, that takes courage. I'm happy
to share the details of my story with you privately.

~~~
depressiontw
Where can I reach out to you?

~~~
chmaynard
Send me an email via corememory.io and we can arrange a phone call or meeting.

~~~
depressiontw
Sent.

------
mhkool
I suggest to go to www.brokenbrain.com where Dr Mark Hyman explains which
_root causes_ lead to mental disorders and how to fix it.

------
throw_fairy123
Throwaway for obvious reasons. But here is what had happened to me: \- Anxiety
disorder, OCD, depression and paranoia

I had intense suicidal thoughts and living life was a pain. I went to a
therapist and it did not help. I instead met a patient at the therapist's
clinic who told me that I would be given shock treatments and will eventually
go crazy. That was over all a very bad experience and made it all worse.

To be honest I realized how all these problems manifested in the first place.
I had been indulging myself into intense philosophical content and solipsism
(theory that we cannot verify the nature of reality of anyone but ourselves).

I remember waking up from a dream and not being sure if the waking state was a
dream or not. It was the most frightening experience. I used to write on my
palm everyday that, "Survive this day". I tried my best to stay afloat.

Skip to current day: I have completely recovered and in the process of
fighting these mental illnesses, I have developed excellent coping mechanism.
I have become more kind and matured. I have learnt to rationalize my thoughts
and over all I'm more content than anyone in my immediate social circle.

Here are a few things that helped me:

\- I noticed that my thought process had become super confused. My thoughts
were chaotic. For example, at one point I decided that doing X will be my way
out of this mental suffering and then a few moments later Y would seem like
the only option. I finally came to the conclusion that I cannot trust my
mind's decision making ability in this state. Both X and Y could be equally
good options but the mind, in a depressed state, becomes so chaotic that it
can very quickly switch its stand. Solution: Whenever you want to decide upon
something, select any option, without analyzing it, and just do that. If you
have a trusted family member or a friend then make them decide for you. Avoid
assessing any decision and spend more time on executing it.

\- Physical activity is a great way of reallocating the mental energy. I
realized that any sort of physical activity like cooking a meal, walking etc
indulges my mind a lot. If you need a quick break from the mental chaos, try
to physically engage yourself. I go for cycle rides at night and eat at a
place where there are a lot of people

\- Mind is a treacherous friend. For a brief period in my life, I thought that
I was going to go crazy beyond any repair. Although nothing really happened,
the very thought that something could, drove me crazy. Be aware of such
thinking traps. Go here and check them out:

[https://www.anxietycanada.com/sites/default/files/ThinkingTr...](https://www.anxietycanada.com/sites/default/files/ThinkingTraps.pdf)

\- Probably the most helpful point is this one:- How to deal with your
reality? Answer: Surrender to your reality. I felt a huge shock when I looked
back at myself and whatever I was going through. I was still not ready to
accept that my suffering is here to stay for a little long. I couldn't focus
on work or even the simplest tasks. It was hopeless and very painful. But
slowly I convinced myself that its okay to suffer and my achievements are
greater if I can thrive despite of my suffering. And I slowly started
accepting that this unpleasantness will never leave me and all my efforts to
treat it are futile. And that's how you trick your self-preservation instinct.
Just surrender to your reality. Accept whatever bad thought comes to you. It's
very hard and scary to do so but, once you do, you will immediately notice
that your mind just frees up. The preservation instinct drowns and you finally
allow your brain to forget these unpleasant experiences.

\- Dealing with suicidal thoughts: The way I dealt with it was, I kept setting
a date to commit suicide. If I really feel suicidal today, I'd decide that 2
months from now, I'll end it all. And then my mind would become free from
suicidal thoughts because it had an exact estimate as to how long it has to
endure the unpleasantness. So I decided that I'd give life a chance until I am
32 and then every time I had a suicidal thought, I remind myself of this
deadline and then I'd feel a little better.

\- Also, start helping people in whatever little way possible. It helped me a
lot. It helped me cope with my suicidal thoughts. Being of use to someone,
even if in a small way, will send massive signals to your mind that make the
suicidal thoughts go away.

On an ending note, I just really want you to get better. I have been in a very
tough situation and trust me you can get out. Learn more about your mind and
rationalize it and understand that its stupid. Struggle as much as you can but
stay afloat. Your experiences will help someone else! And don't try to solve
your problems and let go man. I will be coming back to check on this to see if
you need any help or need to reach out to me.

------
DyslexicAtheist
sorry the topic got me reflecting and apologies in advance I got totally
carried away:

I've seen a lot of acquaintances (some of them friends) who over this past
decade (starting when they reached their mid 30ies till mid-40ies) who went
through some varieties of a mental breakdown, and which they're still
recovering from 10-15 years later. Some of them got help. One of them hanged
himself. All of them male. I couldn't help tuning into their life as it
touched me, not just because they were close but because I also struggled a
lot too and I engaged also to find a cure for my own cursed life.

In my case it was because I needed to unfuck the things that got fucked when I
was a child (abuse by my mother from a young age both physical & sexual). I
ran all my life from it and turned running even into a life-style (lived all
over the world since the mid 90ies and still do so until today). I chose to
live in some war torn terrifying places to feel alive and took some of the
most dangerous jobs just for shits and giggles. I witnessed my first religious
motivated murder when I got off the bus in Banda Aceh just after leaving my
home country the first time ever to travel. I even started running literally
to calm myself, first 10km, then half-marathons then marathons then ultra-
marathons. Running 7 days a week for a min of 2 hours. I have no roots.
Running both figuratively and literally helped me get through life without
thinking to off-myself.

I sometimes come across as lacking empathy. Though my problem is that I have
too much empathy in some cases that makes me feel connected to causes that
then causes me to go nuts over certain topics that I feel too strongly about.
I've also had my episodes here on HN where I advocated violence against causes
that are dear to me (protection of nature/animals/biosphere etc at all costs
and I was rightly put in place by the mods - thanks for putting up with my
shit dang).

In the last 2 years I went through some kind of transformation. idk still what
exactly triggered it, ... probably a combination of many things. I was always
suspicious of medical help because I felt that my life was so complex and
unique that nobody on this planet who went through the canned-curriculum of an
academic institution could even fathom how I tick or help me. And besides I
managed the first 35 years without killing myself so I'd surely get through
this now. Also (more on this later) the experience from the friends I had who
chose professional help terrified me for many reasons. I'd never tell anyone
to seek professional help (sorry there won't be any of that here).

First change I made was to leave my family - I chose a wife who hit me like my
mother when I was a child and who would mentally abuse me in ways I can't go
into here both because it's too complex and too fucked up. My wife struggled
with depression (and a fucked up childhood too so we really kind of found
another). I figured it would be better to just leave them all rather than to
make the kids put up with 2 depressed parents (or the risk of one of us
killing themselves). It didn't seem fair to the kids as I didn't want to
repeat the same lies served by my own parents. Neither my wife nor myself ever
hit the children and they were our only thing that was sacred (she spent lot
of time with them while I tried to make a gazillion to ensure they had
everything. On the outside we were looked up to by friends and even the kids
had no idea until they became teenagers when it all came tumbling down. I left
them and never had a chance of seeing them again mostly because they now hate
me and my ex also thinks I'm trash for leaving.

In my new place I started smoking weed because the pain of having my kids
think I left them was almost unbearable - and still is until today. Their
mother telling them I left them like a garbage runaway-father. And thanks to
her denying me access it means that I'll probably not see them ever again
since by now they also believe that I left for the reason my ex claims. What
I'm trying to say is that in order to make things better I couldn't just
improve stuff. I had to dismantle all the bullshit first. And that dismantling
caused even more harm in the short and medium term. The idea to fix things
without also destroying some parts is an illusion. I couldn't have stayed
there and make it work otherwise I would be dead, or my wife would have killed
herself, or god forbid the kids get as fucked up as their parents (after all
the only thing that both my wife and me did well was look after them in the
way we did.

1/3

~~~
DyslexicAtheist
So I'm not sure if I'm out of this rut already or still digging. I guess it
will take me my whole life working things out. But since I made this first
crucial change things have improved now since 3+ years but far too slowly!!
Until all of a sudden ... A couple of days ago I'm not totally sure what
triggered it, but there it was: Hello darkness my old friend. I thought maybe
I should just go for a walk and, like a hermit go live in the woods until I
die (the forests and nature is the only thing that gives me peace). I felt
this was a good way because when I was a kid my mum would kick us out of the
house and living in the countryside without neighbours anywhere the only place
to go was the forest. I had my tree there. I gave him a name and talked to
him. I'd sit on one of its branches for hours and he was my friend. I built
small dams with rocks on the river or hunted rabbits or looked for mushrooms.
The forest was my happy place. It was the only place that gave me true peace
(until today). So it felt totally natural to go and die at a place that felt
like home. It was the first serious thought about doing it I had in 5 years.
The last time I simply stopped eating. First as a way to see how far I could
push a 0-diet (like extreme fasting where I'd only drink water), ... I did
this before and knowing my limits I knew that 2 weeks without food wouldn't
even stop me from my running routines. Then after 2 weeks I decided to do
another 2. I did all this to get some clarity after m marriage fell apart and
to become clear in my head. It made me clear for sure but I was in no state to
have done this at that time. Also it was dangerous because I was by myself.
Basically rented a flat to be by myself and get away from it all so pushing
the limits like this was a stupid idea. After week 3 I started playing with
the thought of simply not starting to eat again. The final days I was so weak
that I could not walk 2 meters from the bed to the couch without collapsing. I
drank tap water instead of tea which turned out to give me chlorine poisoning
since my body was unable to break it down without food and so drinking made me
vomit too. I admitted myself to the hospital literally with my last energy.
They had no idea WTF they were dealing with considering I looked skinnier than
Christian Bale in "The Machinist".

So not having thought about suicide for so long It felt strange to suddenly
think like this again. I haven't even remembered it for months and was
surprised that I'm not yet over it. It was all so silly to want to go and die
in the woods considering it was triggered by a minor argument with my
girlfriend which wasn't even connected to any of the events. It was a deep
sense of despair which at the time I felt the feeling would stay forever. It
blew over as quickly as it came and only 2 days later it was like it never
happened and everything was OK. Although I'm not bipolar (afaik), meaning I
don't get the raging highs followed by deep lows.

2/3

~~~
DyslexicAtheist
Anyway I'm still trying to figure out why (apart from this sudden statistical
outlier) I do feel good now compared to how it was 3 or 7 years ago. Some
things that come to mind are that it's a mid-life crisis (obviously in a
person that has a lot more mental housecleaning to do than others in that
mood). But I'm certain still that the crisis whatever it was ... is now
somehow coming to an end. I don't like the term _midlife crisis_ (or any type
of labels produced by the psychological industrial complex). For me midlife
crisis means that I've built up a lie (against myself) for so long ... and now
the real me is catching up with the fake me.

The lie that tomorrow will always be better and constantly deferring reward to
some future point in time, only to realize that I've wasted time chasing a
career, when I could have spent more time with my kids. ... The lie that I'm
not in a toxic marriage and that my wife would love me even I'm not pulling a
5 figure salary. Standing up for myself (no matter what society would say of
my walking out on the marriage) or what my so called friends would say (all my
friends were actually also business associates since working 70 hour weeks and
moving all over the place since the age of 16 left me with no real friends).
Now I no longer earn that money nor do I wish to. Truth be told I only work as
much as I need to live a comfortable life which is in my new circumstance
around €500-700 (believe it or not).

I kind of reprogrammed myself from a hardcore-capitalist that measures others
by what car they drive, and whether their home has a pool or not. I chose to
move from the richest and most expensive place in Europe to go to the poorest
country and live on 500,--/month (instead on 15K/month surrounded by people
who all have N businesses registered in places like Switzerland, Luxembourg or
Monaco). I have no savings - lost/blew it all and no car. If I need to get
somewhere then I walk provided it's less then 60 mins walk otherwise the
public transport. Not because I have to but because walking (not running) is
one of the things that gives me clarity. Not on a running-belt in a gym but
out in the fresh air (regardless of weather).

I receive no mail in the post anymore (I used to spend all of my Saturday
writing replies and dealing with business correspondence, taxes, insurances,
finances what not ... and watching my mail-box fill up during the week alone
gave me anxiety attacks). For a while that mail in the post was like a proof
of how good I am and how much things I can juggle in parallel. _" look at me
... all those things I juggle in parallel ... so busy and important..."_ while
at the same time I could have spent the hours with my kids & dogs.

Back then, instead of doing work in my garden on weekends I hired a gardener
because why waste time doing manual labor when I can hire somebody for 15/hrs
to do the job "professionally" while I put in 4 hours of work and earn 250/hrs
while the guy outside cuts the grass. I look back at me with disgust knowing
that I totally missed the point of a garden. Missed the point of enjoying
family and life in general.

Looking at myself critically was only possible after all my
power/money/confidence was taken from me (did I do this to myself on purpose
after all somehow subconsciously? idk ...) But I would have not learned it
otherwise, ...

but that is my specific situation and maybe got nothing to do with others who
are depressed and suicidal. At least on the surface that is but in retrospect
it's all connected to the way we live today trapped like hamsters in our self-
constructed cages that the system pushes us into if we're not careful. No
doubt it works out for many people who participate or have the energy to do
so, but many of us end up in a sad way ... just look around and search for
depression here and look how popular the topic is:
[https://hn.algolia.com/?query=depress&sort=byPopularity&pref...](https://hn.algolia.com/?query=depress&sort=byPopularity&prefix&page=0&dateRange=all&type=all)

Everyone of us is heading down a path of loneliness at least at some point.
Even those people that ought to do well. It's like an epidemic and I'm
convinced screen-time has a lot to do with it (compounded by the side effects
of screen-time: not enough exercise, no walks in nature, no fresh air, quick
sugar highs and an unhealthy diet). My girlfriend who is younger than me grew
up with always having a phone before going out (pressured by anxious parents
who want to keep track). She doesn't suffer anything and is healthy but if you
take away her phone and ask her to go to the city without it she'd have a
panic attack. (if she goes to a therapist they give her pills but won't ask
her to get rid of her phone).

An important step I took was to get rid of _all_ my social media in 2018.
Starting with FB, Twitter, LinkedIn. The only account left is this one on HN.
It feels like removing myself from social media has helped me a great deal
moving forward. I can't say that social media was a huge problem for me but
there is also no denying that between 2013-2016 social media has robbed me of
my own free will and caused isolation that was much deeper than it would have
been without. I had lots of followers (like sure many of you here who live
online too do) on many places, ... yet in the end I was empty and drained from
the shallowness. Because of this realization I also extended this rule now in
2019 to even do away without a mobile phone. It is now in a drawer with
batteries removed and will stay there until at least Jan next year when I will
reevaluate if it is something I need. (that's hardcore for an ex radio-network
engineer). It took me a while to do all this and none of it happened
overnight. I started by leaving my phone at home when I went out. Forcing
myself to look at people when waiting for the bus (they're all looking at
their screens like zombies), also it's strange when you ask a stranger for the
way and even got asked once why I don't use google-maps. But it made me think
about the kind of world I want to inhabit and how I want to shape my
environment. ("you either shape your environment or be a product of it")

When I moved to this poor sorry place in the backwaters of Europe, it felt at
first depressing but what gave me hope was the people. The Slav mentality with
their gloomy mood and _" can't do"_ attitude ... it turns out that many of
them are smiling on the inside (it's often said sarcastically but it's true).
It gave me new hope ... a lot more hope than the fetishism of "positivity and
optimism" we practice in the West (especially in Anglo-Saxon countries but
that also sips over to places like Germany, France, Belgium and everywhere
else where there is Netflix). I see optimism now differently. Almost like a
cancer that is eating the Western society. Fake forced smiles of Uber drivers,
and so on ... I'm glad I'm no longer part of this.

I'm not going to urge you to seek medical help because I know the dangers that
help can come with. I wrote about my friends and acquaintances in the opening
paragraph and I noticed that many of them didn't actually get better. They
just got strung along by their therapists who listen and then prescribe some
pills (again your mileage may vary but knowing the healthcare system in
Germany, UK, US I'd not trust them with my fragile self especially when you
have a top-notch insurance you can count on these crooks rubbing their hands
thinking of all the shit they can peddle). I don't actually know what advise I
can give you or even it would be ethical to do so considering the complexity
of our mind and the individual situation.

If you take recreational drugs of any kind (incl alcohol / coffee) I'd stop
that first. We are all chemical animals so anything we put into our body has
an effect. In other words you can make better progress with subtracting things
than to add (pills). Instead of drinking coffee take a nap when you're tired.
One of my problems was that I couldn't sleep at night and was awake always
till the early AM working then I'd crash out and sleep till noon - Really
unhealthy for our circadian clock.

reading, reading, reading: I started reading a lot of existential work. I
think it was Dostoyeveski (Notes from the Underground) got me hungry for more.
It was dark but it was also uplifting. Then Thomas Ligotti (The Conspiracy
against the Human Race) and the thoughts of Emil Cioran spelled it out in
clarity as I've never seen before: the only way for me to be is to realize
that I have to think about death every day and that it's actually good for me
to be reminded that _there is no point_. It gave me peace because I
surrendered and stopped looking. I learned that I'm not actually a freak and
it's OK to have gloomy thoughts. I no longer have to put on the optimism-mask
to be happy. Anyway I kept on reading and still do so until today since about
a year now. At least 1 book a day (mostly philosophy or fiction), but not with
the aim to "study" or learn but to enjoy. I'm done with forcing myself for the
sake of education or career. Life is too fucking short. And it could be even
shorter by offing myself. I feel that suicide is still my right as a human
that nobody can deny me and fuck anyone who says otherwise. What are they
gonna do? arrest me? call me names? hate me? - I couldn't care less LOL. I
know that one day I will kill myself but not out of spite or sadness but
because it's the best way to go with dignity (much better than withering away
in an old peoples home or being a guinea pig to the medical profession while I
go through another round of chemo to beat some cancer. No it's much better to
burn all the documents that I have or anything that proofs I've ever existed
and then disappear in a way that doesn't harm others (no dramatic pills, a
bullet or blood where I upset some bystander or whoever finds me. When I do it
they will never find me, though they know I will have gone this way since it
was my will. This is what dying with dignity means for me: on my own terms and
by my own hands (or maybe in an accident that can happen without my control of
course. But as long as I can control it it will be on my terms not on
societies. But not today. And most likely not next week or next month. Life is
too good now because I keep discovering new books and I have real
conversations with them with real people. It must probably seem somewhere on a
spectrum between strange, stupid and even offensive to most of you here when I
say that what helped me was knowing that I need pessimism/existentialism to be
happy. It doesn't at all fit to can-do spirit positive thinking and the way a
doctor (and society) wants me to be. But that's OK I'm not living for them.

If you wish to talk to somebody anonymously and without judgement then feel
free to drop me a mail. The address is in my profile.

3/3

~~~
depressiontw
Sent you a mail.

