
Ask HN: I am 21 and lost - chowraid
Hello I am 21 and seem lost. I can&#x27;t seem to figure out what is it that I want to do with my life. The friendships that I have seem false, why is that. Has someone past through this same experience?
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noobermin
There is no "general advice" for "finding yourself", although that might not
be what you asked. It's most likely also true for finding out what you want to
do in life[0]. Figuring these things out is very personal and dependent on
your personal history, and there are few general princples. If you feel you
really need help, it might be beneficial to talk to a counselor who can
provide more personalized help. There are few formulae that apply to all
person's situations.

As an illustrating example, I don't know what you mean by "friendships are
false." What do you mean by that? Do you have many acquaintances and no close
friends or were you recently betrayed by someone whom you consider a close
friend? This is something you need to sit down with someone else and talk
about.

[0] With respect to this, many people say they don't know what they want to do
until they do it, but then again, some people know from when they are 6 they
want to be a doctor/scientist/professor and, lo and behold, that guides their
life and they do it. It _really_ depends on your personality and goals and
that can only be weened out of a 1-on-1 conversation, IMO, again, very few
general principles here.

~~~
chowraid
Thank you for your advice. "friendships are false" by that I mean; that my
"friends" only need and ask for my help wen in deep trouble, and I don't feel
they are asking the way as a favor. For some reason my "friends" seem fake.

~~~
noobermin
I perhaps might not be the best person to get advice from on this because I am
an introvert (recently retook Myers-Briggs and it placed me as an moderate
introvert, although in the past I've been at extreme). I have spent days at a
time happily alone, not talking to anyone, so I care less about what others
think compared to most people I know. I've learned to just say no when favors
would drag on my resources and the situation isn't dire enough. I would
suggest having similar boundaries.

It may be different for you though, you may want these people to like you or
be your friend, so perhaps you can't do that?

Again, I suggest talking to a counselor who would probably have better
experience dealing with different types of people.

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wyldfire
You haven't included enough details for anyone to provide meaningful help. But
I'll try.

I think many of the folks who don't feel lost (or feel less so) operate on
some measure of momentum, following a well-trodden path of finish
secondary/high school, get degree, get job, [get family] (last step is
optional). Those tend to consume enough cycles that there's none left over to
feel lost.

People who take a step back and ask "what am I even doing here? Why would I
want this job over that one?" would probably find more frustration than those
who don't.

Friendships are a real challenge. It requires significant investment to find
friends to begin with. If somehow they turn out to not be good friends, you
must keep searching for new ones. Keep in mind that friendships require you to
work for your part in the friendship as well. If you're lucky enough to have
friends at your workplace, that's a huge win.

~~~
chowraid
I know my question seemed vague, and lacked information. I never thought about
it that way. I will try my best to focus on what is ahead and work out a
definite plan to follow.

Thank you.

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throwaway_java
Hi.

Yes, that sounds pretty normal for someone your age. My advice would be stay
fit and healthy (eat, sleep, exercise properly) and think about smaller goals
that you can realistically achieve rather than dwelling on the big picture too
much. For what it's worth I think a lot of people find their teens and
twenties a pretty hard time (I certainly did) so don't think you are alone in
that. You don't have to know all the answers right now.

About the false friendships thing -- perhaps they are and perhaps not, I
suspect it's a combination of not having met people you really click with,
over thinking things, and a general effect of your particular age that you're
still finding where you fit in.

If you can, keep open communication with your parents/grandparent/siblings and
close friends about what you around going through, or a counselor or other
trusted adult if you need (there's no shame in getting some good advice about
life and help to sift through your thoughts)

Maybe don't frame it as "figuring out what to do with my life" as a whole but
rather many smaller experiences which will eventually add up to the whole
thing.

Most people can't estimate and plan a 3 month IT project particularly
accurately, let alone entire lifetime!

:)

~~~
chowraid
That may be it. Maybe I need to find friends who I really click with,aside
from the current ones that I have.

Focusing on small things/projects is what I will start doing. The last thing
you wrote reminded me of something I had already long forgotten. Sincerely
thank you.

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endswapper
Let me start by asserting that there is no figuring it out.

You may discover satisfaction, peace and fulfillment. However, these are the
result of living an engaged life, not really objectives on their own.

Find a purpose. I recommend a selfless one that allows you to be of value to
other people. Commit to it fully, exhaust it or fail at it. Then move on to
the next purpose.

Using this approach you will learn about yourself and develop relationships
that are based on more than vicinity, common interest or some superficial
social norm.

The silver-lining is that you are asking these questions. I'd argue that
someone who thinks they have figured it out risks becoming blind to their full
potential.

~~~
chowraid
Thank you for your advice.

