
The Gift of Fear: Chapter One (1997) - Tomte
https://archive.nytimes.com/www.nytimes.com/books/first/b/becker-fear.html
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ambivalents
My mind wasn't particularly open to the idea that I could be a victim (in
spite of living amidst Columbine/school shootings, 9/11, and multiple
tramautic experiences after coming out of the closet) until something _truly
bad_ happened to _me_ \-- I was robbed at gunpoint outside a BART station in
San Francisco. I was with my girlfriend at the time, and whether it was or
not, it read like a true hate crime. I didn't call the police until the next
morning, after we both had time to collect ourselves. In retrospect, I see
that it would've been better for everyone to call the police right away, but I
was so traumatized I wasn't thinking about that. And, once we filed the report
nothing meaningful happened to the perpetrators that I was aware of.

Since then, I have been on high alert to the bad stuff happening around me
every single day. I'm getting help, and I'm lucky to be able to afford it, but
I probably won't ever be the same. One thing I can't afford is doubting my
instincts -- I have learned that doing so will get me burned.

This part of the excerpt struck me: "We don't need to learn about violence,
many feel, because the police will handle it, the criminal-justice system will
handle it, experts will handle it. Though it touches us all and belongs to us
all, and though we each have something profound to contribute to the solution,
we have left this critical inquiry to people who tell us that violence cannot
be predicted, that risk is a game of odds, and that anxiety is an unavoidable
part of life."

~~~
DEADBEEFC0FFEE
I certainly don't want to take anything away from what you have shared.

I've been reading Steven Pinker's book, Enlightenment Now, and there are some
sections on violence and using crime as an indicator of progress.

Which leads me to wonder, what the phycology of average people were like
through history. Presumably everyone in the middle ages had some experience of
violence, and would have witnessed awful acts (in the name of good too).

Was everyone suffering inside?

~~~
ambivalents
Humans are remarkably good at rationalizing away irrational things. There's no
doubt we live in a better, safer time now than we ever have. But progress
leads to new dangers and threats we didn't think possible.

In my above post, I talk about being a victim of a gender-fueled hate crime.
Because that is not normal to me. And it's not very normal for others, either.
The violence in the middle ages _could_ have been normalized to the point
where it didn't cause as much suffering. That I'm not sure of, but it probably
depends on the prevailing religious doctrine of the time.

~~~
dsnuh
Not attempting to discount your experience, just wondering why you refer to
being mugged as a "gender-fueled hate crime"?

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slededit
You don't have to be polite if you are uncomfortable. If the person meant no
harm and just wanted to help they'll forget about it by tomorrow. If they did
mean harm your assertiveness will most likely cause them to rethink. Like most
predators they want an easy victim.

Our instincts have been honed over thousands of years, there's not much to
lose in trusting them.

~~~
sgocity
I was sexually assaulted a long time ago, and my therapist at the time
recommended this book to me. I've re-read it many times.

What you say is a point that the book drives home many times. De Becker says
it is better to stay away from a decent person than to allow a malicious
person to get close to you. And if the person really is decent, they'll
understand your reaction.

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sigvirt
Training is your friend. Learn to be on both sides of the fist and stick and
gun - what is and is not possible. For some illustration of outcomes, see
youtube for "28 foot rule" or "21 foot rule". Learn to see the setup and the
ambush, though there are fewer who teach this. One of the best introductory
defense programs I've seen, for when push came to shove, was Bay Area Model
Mugging (although for women only). There can be a time to step-up/speak-up and
defend yourself and friends, a time to hand over the goods, and a time to run
like hell. Training goes a long way to replace panic with healtier options.
And call the police right away; it might save the next local victim half an
hour later.

~~~
throwaway62991
Unfortunately, most of the training that's available is worse than useless.
It's fantastical, unrealistic and informed by neither research nor practical
experience. It teaches physical techniques that are demonstrably ineffective,
it fails to teach the core mental skills of self defence and it gives a
completely false sense of confidence. Bay Area Model Mugging seems to be far
more serious than most, but their website copy does seem a little concerning
in places.

de Becker's _The Gift of Fear_ is such an important work because it emphasises
everything that happens _before_ a violent confrontation. By the time most
people realise that they might get hurt, they've already missed a dozen
opportunities to recognise the situation and act to protect themselves. It
applies not merely to the random acts of violence by strangers that many
people fear, but the far more prevalent and insidious forms of violence that
develop within relationships of all kinds.

Any meaningful self-defence training _must_ include real fear, real violence
and real pain. It must start with the essential skills of situational
awareness, threat perception and decision-making under acute stress. It must
be rooted in the understanding that skill and technique are nearly always
trumped by size and strength, and that most violent confrontations have the
possibility of suddenly and unpredictably becoming catastrophic.

~~~
paublyrne
My old karate club used to and I'm sure still does run self defense courses
twice a year, partially as a way to get new members. One of the instructors
used to repeat the same mantra at every course, echoing the old master Gichin
Funakoshi, that the best defense is always to be somewhere else.

~~~
ryan-allen
Our Sifu at Kung Fu when demonstrating the 'best defence' would run as fast as
he could out of the kwoon. It got some laughs but he was deadly serious!

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ryan-allen
The book is available on Kindle Unlimited, which is nice if you have it!

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stealthmodeclan
Once I was with a friend and a homeless person pointed gun at us and asked us
for all our belongings.

Now my friend who has rage issue and is also a football player, kicked so fast
and hard at his wrist the gun was nowhere to be seen.

Now, i am neither martial artist nor a football player, i could barely see him
kicking but he was ready to punch his face now since the gun was out of the
equation.

If it was just me, I would have gave up everything and went home.

~~~
adrianN
When somebody points a gun at you and asks for your stuff, giving them
anything they want is usually the best decision, no matter how much martial
arts you know.

