
Ask HN: Turning 40 soon – seeking personal and professional life advice - quietthrow
Hi HN - I have always enjoyed being part of this community. I am turning 40 within a month and would love to have any personal and &#x2F;or professional life advice you might have to give a curious person (and a techie) who is married and a father of two. Look forward to all you have to offer!
======
scarface74
I'm 43. My advice is to prioritize:

1\. Health. Your health is the most important thing. Yes it's more important
than your family. You're no good to your family sick or dead.

2\. Family and friends. It's a lot easier finding another job than another
wife. You're at the age where you should be working smart not hard. You're too
old to be sacrificing your time and your health to make a corporation money by
working 60 hour weeks.

As far as friends, I've had to make an effort to keep in touch with friends
and cultivate friendships. It's well known that men don't focus on deep
friendships like women do.

3\. Work. Keep your skills up, study, and stay current with technology. By the
way, you don't have to keep up with the cool kids. There are plenty of boring
corporate jobs where you can put in your 40 hours a week and go home. As long
as you keep your skills up, you really don't have to worry about ageism.

~~~
shams93
I'm 46 and being in LA have no choice but to work 60+ hours a week. All my
friends and support network were destroyed in 2008 and I have been unable to
re-create them so I live with no community, no friends, nobody cares about how
I'm doing. The last time I tried to go to a doctor to check out my health I
was fired for missing 4 hours off that job. I can't have a romantic partner
and live as best I can off one meal a day and roughly 3-4 hours of sleep. It
doesn't matter if I drop dead because as an engineer in LA I'm less than
worthless as a human being.

~~~
thinkloop
> All my friends and support network were destroyed in 2008

What happened in 2008?

~~~
chiph
Start of the Great Recession. S&P 500 went from 1400 to 800 in six months. I
lost 40% of my retirement investment and it was ... distressing to say the
least.

Movie recommendations: Margin Call
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hhy7JUinlu0](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hhy7JUinlu0)
The Big Short
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MesrrYyuoa4](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MesrrYyuoa4)

~~~
scarface74
Why should it matter unless you were close to retirement or depending on your
investments for income?

~~~
mswen
Some like myself got a triple hit in 2008

1] Job gets eliminated just when you have been hitting a nice earning "peak".
You now get to look for work along with millions of other out of work
professionals and you are overqualified for many of the available jobs.

2] Home loses 40% of its value. I waited this one out and was fortunate to
have not upgraded to a bigger home and mortgage when the income was flowing
nicely in 2006 to 2008. In my area housing values are just now getting back in
the general range of 2007 values. So waiting that one out was both possible
and good.

3] Retirement portfolio loses 40% of its value. And, yes I would have been
fine if I just waited it out. However, Because I struggled to get any decent
paying work during 2008 to 2012 and the expenses of a family with 4 kids
doesn't just stop. I ended up cashing out some of my retirement. And, some of
the cashing out was done when the stock market was at its worst point. I
didn't cash out because I was scared of the market going lower, I cashed out
so that we could pay bills and not lose our house.

In retrospect, there are things I could have done better be better prepared
when the income was flowing and to manage through the downturn. But, my point
is that sometimes life's difficulties hit on multiple fronts and the choices
are difficult.

------
owurkan
49 here, 2 teenagers. When you grow older, the things you truly like doing
don't change that much. It's the things you don't like that you hate doing
every day a little bit more. You should plan for that. I see too many friends
who have been micromanaging their lives since when we were in our 20's and now
feel entrapped and miserable because of work and/or partner and/or
relationships... As many have mentioned here, the first thing is to focus on
your health, mental and physical. Absolute necessity. The second thing is to
develop optionality for later instead of closing doors as many do. Plant seeds
for your future life. You don't know what will work or not for you in the
future. So, while you're busy living your current life, plant seeds that all
have a reasonable chance to grow into a life scenario that you would enjoy
later. Don't focus on a single objective, make sure you pursue at least a
handful. No need to be obsessive. And then, water the seeds when you can,
abandon those who die, replant when necessary. It is mostly a background
process, be gently alert to spot potential future opportunities. It has made
wonders for me.

~~~
sshine
Could you give some examples of "seeds" you've planted?

Do you mean to cultivate new hobbies, or keep paths open in your professional
life (e.g. become a manager, or have a side project), or grow friendships with
common interests that may remain common after ten years (e.g. not drinking
buddies)?

~~~
owurkan
Life is probabilistic, you can't define your future for sure but I believe you
can increase the expected enjoyability of the outcome by working on adding
potentially enjoyable scenarios to the collection of potential future
outcomes. As for examples, I invested in some friendships at moments when
there were more pressing rational things to do, thinking that maybe, some day,
it would flourish and be worth it. Or I managed to set up a working
environment where I sat for 10 years in the same space as a friend I would
love to build a business with though we had completely different jobs. I was
patiently waiting for a real opportunity for us to work together, all the
while I was embracing my regular job. I was also building new skills in things
that interest me. I was always acting with determination but not with
obsession and anxiety. I was mentally accepting whatever scenarios would
eventually materialize, I was only optimizing on increasing the quantity of
possible enjoyable scenarios. But, as said before, all this is worth nothing
if you don't treat your body with respect and are not very disciplined with
your finances.

~~~
softawre
I sincerely hope I can have the wisdom you have at your age. I'm older than
most here but your words really spoke to me, thanks for that.

------
marcus_holmes
Stay fit.

Prepare to start experiencing age discrimination. Over the next ten years
you'll notice it. Especially if you don't stay fit. It's subtle, but you're
going to become less relevant, less respected, and gradually fade into the
background.

Professionally, you'll see the subtle pressure to become a manager. If you're
not already. Decide if you're OK with this. If you are, start a part-time MBA
(the stuff on leadership in an MBA course is going to be useful). If you're
not, then you need to develop a strategy for not becoming a manager. Get known
as a specialist in some niche, join a company that has separate grades for
managers and techs.

At some point you'll probably have your mid-life crisis. This can take many
forms, but it's basically an assertion of your vitality. You're still strong,
fit (did I mention staying fit?) and capable, but your mortality is
approaching and you suddenly realise time is limited. But there's time left to
get all those things you wanted to do done, if you start right now!

The body is going to do strange things. There's all sorts of odd ailments that
hit in the 40's because evolution. Your hair will do things you don't expect.
Your libido will drop, and finally you can get five minutes of peace and quiet
without thinking about sex all the time. Your wife, assuming she's a similar
age, will have the reverse. She'll get horny all the time. Just when you don't
want it any more, you can get it whenever you want. Still, it helps with the
cardio.

Keep learning. You can cheerfully sink into your comfort zone and let your
opinions ossify into grumpy-old-man syndrome. Don't do that, it's not pleasant
for anyone. Take up a new hobby, switch technologies, learn something new all
the time. Keep stepping outside your comfort zone. It's like staying fit for
the brain.

Watch out for your mental health. Depression and anxiety especially hit hard
around this time. Exercise really helps with this.

It's fun, though. There's a lot of benefits to it all, too. But I'll let you
discover them for yourself.

------
bitexploder
I am 38. I feel as sharp as ever. I have two kids as well. I don't have any
earth shattering advice for you. Keep hacking. As a consultant for the last
ten years I think this may be our sweet spot in our 40s and 50s. The pay is
great. People listen, even young startups. We can leverage our experience. It
isn't perfect, but ageism is a zero factor in my world and I enjoy computers
as much as I ever did. We (myself and two partners) have slowly grown a
consulting company to almost 15 employees over the last 5 years. I have never
been as rewarded and actually humbled in my career spanning almost 20 years.
Work with people you like, stay curious and keep at it. Not much else to do :)

edit: and teach your kids curiosity... So many kids stare at screens and seem
to lose the spark I think I had at their age. Pardon my navel gazing.

~~~
cosmorocket
Can you please drop me a message at sergei at basharov.net? I feel like your
current position seems similar to what I'd like to achieve eventually.

I have a couple of questions I hope you could shed some light on. Thanks!

------
koolhead17
Wrote to myself, day i turned 30. Still holds true for most. Hope it helps.

1\. Family comes first

2\. Avoiding alcohol can do magic to your health

3\. Run & exercise regularly for better physical and mental health

4\. Keep your heart open.Let love seek you instead of running after it

5\. Distinguish between great mentors and teachers. keep upgrading yourself
time to time

6\. Be very careful of what you read and what you learn out of that. And
needless to say, the source.

7\. A daily to-do list to be practiced on a hard form. Once a task is
accomplished, strike it off the list.

8\. Being empathetic to others for your mind and heart to be at peace.

9\. Most of the things around us are temporary including current state of
mind, the weather, our pains. Permanent decisions should not be made giving
importance to temporary things.

10\. Pen down everyday about anything and everything. Mastering the art will
take time but venting out thoughts on the paper brings sanity.

11\. Don’t be ashamed of taking feedback from those whom you respect for your
own development.

12\. Life is no cake walk. Failures/Criticism/Happiness, all of them are a
part and parcel of the deal called life, stay equanimous.

13.Rectify your eating habits to stay disease free.

14\. Watch and observe patiently at times. Fighting everything doesn’t help
always.

15\. Learn one new activity/skill every month. It can be painting, dancing, or
even a foreign language.

16\. Having a huge circle is great but make a few friends who accept you the
way you are.

17\. Happiness is a state of mind & requires thinking beyond materialistic
world.

~~~
quietthrow
Excellent list!

~~~
koolhead17
Thanks. :)

------
aklemm
Not advice, but for my 40th I visited nearly every important friend I've had.
Several I'd basically lost touch with. I asked them deep questions about their
lives and hopes and perspectives. It was quite a journey, and was heartening
to connect to times long past (though I wasn't left missing any of it). The
biggest thing I gleaned was the dissipation of angst among those with
families.

As for advice; stay mobile.

~~~
coffeemug
_> the dissipation of angst_

Could you explain what you mean? This seems important, but I don't understand
the phrase at all.

~~~
aklemm
The people with families seemed settled with their lot (which isn't to say
they were without regrets), while the ones without families were sort of still
searching for something. To me it just underscored the importance of focusing
on the family if you have one.

~~~
coffeemug
Thanks. I'm 35, and have encountered the exact same thing among the various
social circles I'm in.

------
cameldrv
Just turned 40. One thing my old landlord taught me about ten years ago is
that as you get older, it's valuable to have a default known-good method for
things. Always put your keys in a bowl next to the door. Shit, shower, then
shave. This goes double as a manager and a developer. Have a process for
starting a new project, hiring a new employee, spinning up a new bank of
servers, etc. Some of these can be shell scripts, but lots are documents that
are regularly updated.

------
simonpure
Time is your most valuable resource - always pay attention where you spend it
and with whom.

Optimize for the long haul, never take shortcuts.

Your goal is to keep mind, body and soul in balance - everything else will
work itself out and not worth worrying about.

I'm 39 and plan for a life span of at least 130 but try to live every day like
I'm going to die tomorrow - context matters and helps bring perspective.

[edited last paragraph for clarity]

~~~
dorkwood
You plan to live longer than anyone has before? Can I ask why you think that's
attainable?

~~~
simonpure
Historically, we're underestimating technological progress. What seems
impossible with today's standards may be the new normal tomorrow.

Having said that, the specific number is less relevant and it's more about
putting things into perspective.

If you believe you won't live past 80, 40 is half of your life and you may
think it's too late to start something new. However, if you up the number to
130, then 40 seems like just the beginning.

------
kjhughes
I recommend that you go ahead and turn 40, especially if you've been 39 for
the past year.

It's better than the alternative.

~~~
sudouser
benjamin button, is that you?

------
knieveltech
What's the question, exactly? Are you feeling like you might have reached your
sell-by date and are looking to avoid getting the chop because ageism? My
advice, do nothing out of the ordinary. Dont freak out and try to cram the
latest (or any) javascript framework. Dont start scanning hn anxiously trying
to intuit which hot new language/framework/library/text editor is going to be
the key to continued relevance in the industry. Dont do anything. The tech
stack most devs cut their teeth on 20 years ago is still running more of the
web than any four competitors put together with zero change on the horizon.
Let the kids distract themselves and each other with the recursive wheel-
recreation. Keep trucking.

~~~
quietthrow
Updated the question. I am after any valuable life advice

------
fsloth
I'm 38. I think I'm teetering now on the edge of two outcomes - physically
speaking. Either I strive to stay active and remain active and healthy until I
die, or, if I let go of exercise, will slowly glide into crippled senescence.

For me, Marcus Aurelius's "Meditations" was a really good book to read at this
age (I'm 38). The bullshit a civilized society prods on one has not changed in
two millenia, and it's very relatable.

~~~
koolhead17
I got lucky by few years then, Marcus Aurelius's "Meditations" has left great
impact on me and i see myself and relationship with world in totally different
manner.

Glad to meet another reader of "Meditations" :D

------
jv22222
I think there has been some great feedback here but one really valuable bit of
advice has not been mentioned (that I can see).

"Do something you love"

All the people I know who are doing something they love have a much better
quality of life than the ones who are just earning a living.

Also, perhaps if we do something we love it can help with the big three -
health, relationships & family - because we are more satisfied and every day
is something to look forward to.

------
MichaelMoser123
Convert your age to hexadecimal, you are just 0x28 years old, your live is
just beginning! (I got 0x30 the other day and still feel that way ;-)

Well, its a joke, but every joke has a bit of truth in it...

~~~
coolspot
Base 64 ftw

~~~
MichaelMoser123
don't try octal, you have been warned!

------
spacecowboy
45 here. Two in college, two teenagers and my wife is back in school. I've
managed software teams in the past and have done my share of coding but today,
I work from home and code for a living which I truly enjoy but would
definitely entertain the opportunity to have my hands in more things. I think
the biggest things I have discovered in my 40s is a refocus on my physical and
emotional health especially by discovering meditation - at this point I feel
that meditation has had the biggest impact so far. I also try not to overreact
to things in my life and to try to enjoy the moments more and try to be
supportive of my wife and kids as much as I can. As far as professional
development, try to do side projects that scratch an itch and allow you to
develop skills you wouldn't normally be able to develop at a day job. Try to
stay up-to-date in industry and attend conferences when you can, they are
great for the exposure to what's going on in industry but its also nice to
meet other professionals, network and get out of the office.

~~~
drjasonharrison
If not meditation, try stoicism. The Daily Stoic is available by email.

~~~
spacecowboy
Will take a look. Thanks!

------
coss
31 year and I'm going to start following all this advice. Nine year head start
suckers ;)!

(But really thanks for the advice everyone, some good stuff here).

------
thinkloop
Today's 40 is different than the last generation's 40. It became clear over
the last 20 years that the job of an engineer was to continually keep learning
and adapting. Gone were the days of mastering a single skill and refining it
over a lifetime. The last batch of 40 year olds weren't privy to that
information and may have been the cause of ageist stigma. Being 40 today means
you've been in this new mode of operation for 15-20 years and you know the
deal. In which case you are likely extremely valuable with the benefit of
experience, and will continue to be so until it you can no longer keep
learning.

~~~
tracker1
Exactly... I haven't seen too much ageism... but I work in Phoenix, not San
Francisco. I spent a good 20% of my day looking into things, reading,
learning, experimenting. It's constantly changing.

Only additional advice is to do some of it at work... part of your job should
be to learn. Get your work done, but also keep learning a priority.

------
chvid
Buy a sports car, get a mistress half your age, run a marathon, open a
restaurant ...

------
edko
Stay fit. Trying to get back in shape is much harder after 40.

~~~
tracker1
No kidding... started Keto, one meal a day (OMAD) and Crossfit last year... my
all-time high weight was 460... last April 416.. now 361. a lot of hard work,
and sprints of discipline. Still so much longer to go, and so much more time
to recover.

~~~
sridca
OMAD is great--lots of consistent energy throughout the day--but I suspect
that won't be case when your body fat percentage goes below 15%.

~~~
tracker1
Maybe not as much... however the rules can vary dramatically person to person.
I discovered I was actually allergic to legumes early last year (just dropping
them made me feel so much better), I knew I was sensitive to wheat/grains
already... so now I'm mostly paleo/keto because it's easier.

------
itomato
1\. Evaluate what took you this far, and shed things that didn't directly
benefit you or downright hindered you; whether relationships, eating habits,
shell, editor, thought/behavior patterns or what have you.

2\. Revisit yourself at ~18, but don't seek their approval. Find out what
stunned them and do your best to describe it. If you're unhappy with the
description, it's an opportunity to learn.

3\. If you could sum up your Profession into a specialty that would take you
into retirement, what does that look like? How does it feel?

4\. "Don't sweat the petty things" is pretty solid advice at any age. Just
another Cheerio under the sofa cushion of life.

5\. What was old becomes new again. There are Generations of knowledge locked
up in old papers, studies and magazines waiting for the "time to be right".
That time is now.

6\. Take some time to lay out a map to your passionate understanding of tech
for your offspring to discover. Think "Treasure Map" not "Syllabus". (See
point 5)

------
adamredwoods
Some alternative suggestions:

1\. If you're grumpy, eat.

2\. Spend time with your kids or family, even if your back hurts. Something as
simple as watching a movie together is good.

3\. Visit your mom/dad more often. I wish I had.

4\. Take your medicine when your back hurts. Don't "muscle" through things.

5\. Don't judge others, some of us at 40+ are not doing as well.

6\. Think about mentoring/part-time teaching/a way to give back to the
community.

7\. Buy a house, or check your 401k.

8\. Don't chase happiness, be content.

9\. Play board games, because they're amazingly interactive and a good way to
retain friends and family.

~~~
sridca
> 8\. Don't chase happiness, be content.

For those who still harbor a child-like curiosity about happiness (and have
not given up on it, like a cynical adult), it would be helpful to observe the
folks who have succeeded in discovering it. Here's one:
[http://www.actualfreedom.com.au/richard/articles/richardsres...](http://www.actualfreedom.com.au/richard/articles/richardsresume.htm)

------
warent
I'm younger than you, but the best thing I could say is this: follow your
career dream. If that means starting a business, working for a particular
company, totally changing to a different line of work, whatever, just do it.
Colonel Sanders didn't even open the first KFC restaurant until his 60s. It's
not going to be easy, but you can get what you want!

------
keithnz
I'm 46, father of 3,

Hard to give generic advice, everyone is different, but just the good ol
basics of always making steps (often small ones, but sometimes big) towards
the things you want from life, and always be ready to adapt to change, both
good and bad.

Enjoy your kids, partner, and family.

40s don't really feel much different from any other age I've been. But good
time to reconsider any unhealthy habits you have that you always delay doing
something about. It's slowly getting more common that people I know of a
similar age are getting things like cancer and other problems.

Tech is always full of opportunity, keep informed ( you are on HN, so you
probably are ), keep learning, experiment. But always maintain strong
fundamentals.

------
sireat
At 44 i've realized, nothing matters, everything matters.

"After the game, the king and the pawn go into the same box."

That is whatever little world you've built around you that's all you've got
and all you are ever going to get. And this little world principle even
applies to people like Musk,Putin,Trump,Thiel,Bezos and so on.

Best case scenario in a 50-70 years you are going to be very dead. We have not
made a real breakthrough in life extension yet.

Sure health is very important but you are buying yourself maybe 10-20 extra
good years. That's nice, but how nice?

People delude themselves that what they are doing is important it really
isn't. As long as you can keep the fiction up that's great.

It is a depressing thought but also liberating.

Chances are you are a decent person, that's fantastic.

You have a family that's great, if someone's single at 40 that's fine too.

You have an urge to skip in the meadows go for it. You want to play videogames
all day go for it.

You want to enter hackathons go for it, you want a startup, go for it.

I wear mismatching socks, my teenage daughter abhors the thought, but
mismatching socks do not worry me.

------
sz4kerto
40 is very young. Most of your career is still ahead of you.

~~~
pbhjpbhj
Traditionally in UK it would have been mid-career, now it's maybe two-fifths.

However, there's a massive drop in fertility and ability to conceive at 40 -
which makes it biologically v significant.

In my limited experience it's when one can no longer get away with ignoring
health & fitness without major consequences.

It's pretty close to midlife: UK life expectancy of you were born in 2016 was
M 79.1/82.9 (per Google search).

I contend it's not "very young" by any useful metric.

------
dgudkov
You're about to enter your prime time in terms of professional life. Your
experience gives you a good understanding of risks (technical, people, etc.)
and means of achieving goals. You mostly control the flow of events in your
life, rather than the other way around. If you've been thinking about doing
something significant, early 40s is the best age to step out of regular
routine and do it.

------
svilen_dobrev
there is this question on life - to be or to wanna be. it's time to stop any
of the wanna be, and enjoy who you are.

mental fit may be harder to keep than physical. YMMV. simplify your life,
throw away anything that's not real (tv,news,fb,whatever-your-everyday-itch-
for-no-reason is).

As of health, the saying goes "if something hurts when u're 30 and nothing
hurts when u're 40, then stuff is real baaaad."

and, have fun.

------
drjasonharrison
Lots of already good advice on health, family and friends. My suggestion
regarding career is to do some career planning/mapping on at least an annual
basis, or quarterly, to help you focus and control your work life: \- Goals \-
Responsibilities \- Requirements \- Gaps \- Growth Plan

This will help you find mentors, skills, opportunities, and things to spend
less time on.

------
p0d
You sound like a good person, trust your own convictions. At 46 I find I look
to the Internet more for information and less for guidance.

I work part-time for a tech company, run my own business and am happily
married with two adult children.

One of my favourite things is finishing up early on a Thursday or Friday and
going to an empty cinema with my son. Enough said :-)

------
koolba
How old are your children?

If they’re 10+ I’d suggest taking one with you to visit old friends. It can be
a great way for them to learn indirectly about their father and I’m sure
they’ll look back on it fondly as well. Nothing beats hearing salacious
stories of one’s old man from eyewitnesses. They’ll appreciate it years from
now.

~~~
quietthrow
< 5\. But good idea for the 50th maybe ;)

------
rdiddly
If you're 40 you should switch from asking for advice, over to giving advice.

~~~
quietthrow
LOL. let me give you some advice, never stop asking for advice. You see
further when you stand on the shoulders of giants.

What can I say I am a quick learner.

;)

~~~
rdiddly
It's true... Never stop learning & asking questions. Just don't be stingy with
the young'uns with all that experience you have, is all I'm saying.

------
Grustaf
Start doing extreme sports before it's too late. You can still start surfing,
parkour or basically whatever you want, but in another 10 years you probably
won't.

------
chejazi
To turn this back to you: do you fear death? If so, what aspects of it do you
fear?

------
darepublic
You'd better close your eyes/bow your head/wait for the ricochet

------
j0hnny_r3db34rd
1-800-273-TALK (8255)

------
joeevans1000
Carry on. Nothing changes.

~~~
fapjacks
And yet, the only constant is change.

~~~
joeevans1000
True also that.

