
Alone Together, Again - michaelfairley
http://al3x.net/2012/11/11/alone-together-again.html
======
SoftwareMaven
_I spent so much time trying to organize the life that I thought I wanted. It
wasn’t the same as living._

Every single time I've tried to push my life in a direction, tried to bend it
to my will, it has blown up in my face. So, while I have things I'd like to do
and places I'd like to go, I've learned to just let things unfold as they may.
I try to influence and guide it, but I don't push it anymore.

I think it comes down to my reaction to the results of trying to push it. When
I'm letting it glide, I'm unconcerned about things going in the wrong
direction and am happy when they do. If I'm trying to push it, I wind up
concerned when things go in the wrong direction and not particularly happy
when they do (that was where they were supposed to go, after all).

I learned this lesson at a much older age than I should have.

~~~
oz
I don't know. We all have outcomes we prefer. Shouldn't we take rational
actions to create those outcomes? Sure, "life is what happens while you're
busy making plans," but some people _do_ accomplish what they set out to do. I
want to join their ranks.

On a day-to-day basis, what's the difference between "influencing and guiding
it" vs. "pushing it"? No snark, just trying to understand your POV a bit
better.

~~~
SoftwareMaven
It's all mindset. Say AI has really struck my fancy. It's a fascinating space
with a lot of interesting work going on. Let's compare forcing it and guiding
it:

Forcing it: I learn everything I can about AI. I attend meetups, conferences,
whatever. I begin obsessing about how little progress I'm making towards my
goal. Eventually, I either give up in frustration, or I take a sub-optimal
leap in that direction just so I can make _some_ progress.

It is the frustration and the sub-optimal leaps that cause the problems. The
frustration leads to self-loathing and depression; the suboptimal leaps result
in me being somewhere that, ultimately, doesn't lead where I want, leading me
back to frustration.

Guiding it, on the other hand, starts similarly: I learn everything I can
about AI. I attend meetups, conferences, whatever. What changes is the
obsessing part. Now I'm trying to enjoy the experience, the knowledge and the
people. Eventually, I find that it's not what I thought it was or a place
where I fit opens naturally. If its the former, there's no frustration; if its
the latter, huzzah.

I don't want to sound like I have some zen capability or anything (trust me,
I'm _far_ from that!). I have to remind myself very regularly the pitfalls of
pushing things because I'm a very impatient person. I also have struggled with
depression, so I also have to continually remind myself that, even if I feel
like I'm not making progress, I am and that the alternative, feeling like I'm
making progress when I'm not really, is far worse.

------
gooddelta
The fast-paced tech industry often has this effect on its devotees. People
like Alex live their lives at an accelerated rate. They work hard. They make
their money at a young age. They compare themselves and their lives to the
people around them -- people often twice their age -- and wonder why they
don't have what their elders often have: family, children, a sense of self-
understanding. Alex is young; 27 years old, if I'm not mistaken. He's done
more, created more, and experienced more than most people his age, including
having a four-year marriage. Do you remember what four years of anything felt
like when you were his age? It's an eternity. His angst at having lost it and,
in part, his realization that the life he was constructing for himself was not
the life he wanted, is completely justified.

He deserves immense credit for showing this level of transparency. If you
haven't taken some lesson away from this post, then you need to re-read it.
It's not about empathy; it's about the importance of self-discovery.

------
colmvp
“Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true because
no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. It’s really that simple. That’s
never happened – THAT would be sad. If two people were married and they were
really happy and they just had a great thing, and then they got divorced, that
would be really sad. But that has happened zero times. Literally zero.”

Louis CK

~~~
jdietrich
Bullshit. I personally know of at least two marriages that ended in divorce
for reasons entirely unrelated to the quality of the relationship - one or
both parties had a mid-life crisis, tried to reinvent themselves to assuage
their existential angst, divorced, utterly alienated their partner in the
process and ended up bitterly regretting it. Deciding to divorce doesn't mean
that your marriage is bad, it just means that you've decided to divorce.

It's an idea that betrays a profoundly defective concept of marriage - that a
lifelong relationship should seem easy and natural and that if it's not so
perfect that you're absolutely certain that it's the best possible
relationship you could ever have, the solution is to end it and start from
scratch with someone else. It's a rejection of the idea that living with
anyone is inherently difficult and requires a great deal of hard work, that
people get cold feet and seven year itches, that people take things for
granted, that the grass always seems greener. If divorce were genuinely a good
thing, we'd expect post baby-boom generations with high divorce rates to be
much happier and more satisfied with their relationships than their parents
and grandparents; Instead, the opposite is true.

~~~
davidu
Your first paragraph might have changed my life.

~~~
35636
That first paragraph is my life. :*(

------
pdeuchler
Thank you so much for posting this Alex.

I'm young enough for marriage to seem distant, and my parents are still
married, yet more than half of the children I grew up with had divorced
parents and I have several separated family members.

It's not uncommon for most of the families on a suburb block to be divorced,
especially in certain areas (most of my affluent white friends had
antagonistically divorced parents, mainly due to money)[1]. The U.S. still has
a large problem with divorce (~50%), and especially with divorce among
families with children.

Divorce is far too often considered "taboo", as stated in this article, which
is quite a travesty because I've found discussion can provide great benefit to
not only those already affected by it, but those contemplating long term
relationships. We consider divorce a "failure" in modern society, and in my
opinion that's very often not the case. Many times divorce can mean simply a
resolution of irreconcilable differences. However the law, lack of openness
and general societal pressure can turn even amicable splits ugly.

In the end I've found closure like the OP describes always the most helpful:
realization that life continues to go on, and even things that you relate with
the old relationship (in this case, technology) will still be there as they
always were.

[1] I feel it's important to note that divorce rates are highly variable
dependent upon ethnic groups and demographics

~~~
kamaal
Just curious to know, as somebody from India. What are leading causes for
divorce in the US? I used to hear that, alimony is one reason why many women
would get married to somebody rich and then divorce them.

I can understand that divorces happen due to incompatibility reasons. But 50%
is too high a number for that reason alone.

Also I've heard marriage rates itself in the west are quite low. Never
understood the logic behind that.

~~~
gcv
Let me ask a related and unpopular question: what purpose does marriage serve
in today's world?

For people with religious convictions, I understand: your god(s) hate you if
you have relationships not sanctioned by your religious authorities. I am
specifically asking about secular people in the US and Europe, who choose to
enter a contract with the government about their personal lives.

Is it taxes? It seems much easier to me to just make more money than to make
"till death do us part" work.

For health insurance, domestic partnerships work closely enough. (This is a
US-specific problem.)

It seems to me that most marriages occur because the wedding industry has done
a phenomenal job of marketing itself. Many girls grow up dreaming about their
weddings. Men, assuming that women want this, go along. With predictable
results in the divorce rate.

Companionship and love have nothing to do with a piece of paper filed with the
local government.

~~~
ctdonath
Contraception is, historically, a recent development. Without it, a man and a
woman rather fond of each other tend to produce children; all involved,
including society at large, have an interest in keeping those parents together
- hence the institution of marriage. Strange how the obvious has been
forgotten.

------
sakopov
This June i jokingly told my fiance "I wish you a great husband" on her
birthday. She laughed. I laughed. 2 months later and 1 month before our
wedding we separated in the most disgusting, disturbing way possible. The joke
was also on me. I was alone and devastated. Then suicidal. Then just hopeless
and completely alone. I'm not sure i know how to cope with this. Life as a
gigantic lesson, never meant to be completely understood. You have to accept,
reflect, move on and hope for the best. I think you've managed to fight at
least half of the battle. Very interesting read. I wish you the best. I think
you're almost there!

~~~
flog
My experience was close to that. A year and a half on I still sometimes wake
up from nightmares about it. But it gets better. My initial response was
deeply rational, like me personality type, and I tried to analyse every little
thing. The truth, I think, is that in the end, the universe is ambivalent.
Life goes on. I have a post it note on my wall which I refer to often: "#1 man
rule: I'll be fine". Men need to remember we're men, and we'll be fine. We are
tough.

~~~
toomuchtodo
I needed reminding of this, hence the tattoo I got: This Too Shall Pass.

------
mcav
Christ, commenters, lighten up. Not every emotional blog post is a heartless
grab for attention. If you don't like it, just ignore it and go do something
else. Don't punch the guy just for the hell of it.

~~~
pyrotechnick
"christ"..."hell"

Consider taking your own advice.

~~~
mcav
Cursing is not the same as a personal attack.

------
erickhill
Having lived through a similar experience as Al3x, my biggest take-aways after
the fact were:

\- If she/he finds enjoyment from it [pick anything] then encourage it. Don't
find a fault in it and be an ass.

\- Comments and attitudes over time do matter. Don't be condescending. You're
not "all that." You may think you are, but you're not.

\- Everyone has dreams. They may not align with yours. That's OK, if you
aren't narcissistic and an egoist. Look in the mirror from time to time.

Everyone wants to be loved. Everyone wants to be appreciated. All work is
honorable.

~~~
benjaminwootton
This is just common sense and decency - you should behave like this to
everyone, least of all your significant other.

Anyone who doesn't have this level of emotional maturity isn't ready to get
married!

------
javajosh
The point that the OP seems to understand, but doesn't explicitly state, is
that no life situation, however apparently solid, lasts forever. The first
section has a distinct tone of numbed acceptance, the voice of someone who has
just experienced absolute horror, and who's view of the world is far more
balanced than an ordinary persons. Most of us live under the delusion that we
are safe, that our situation is safe, and that tomorrow will be better. This
is comforting, and probably useful as a coping mechanism. But it's not true.
No matter how healthy you are, you could get sick. No matter how solid your
job, you could lose it. No matter how much you love your wife or you think she
loves you, she could have an affair and ask for a divorce.

When pain stacks upon pain stacks upon pain until you can't take it and then
it keeps going even more for an unimaginable time, something burns away in
you, leaving you a kind of stark clarity about the world and yourself. It is a
realistic view, but not a happy one. I believe they call it 'shock'.

What we conventionally call 'happy' is actually a pleasant delusion.
(Luckily?) this delusion is quite resilient! It seeps back into us, and we
start to believe, once again, that everything is actually going to be okay
_this time around_.

You wouldn't think it, but I think it's easier if you don't suffer this sort
of torment alone. Consider the life-bending events of 9/11. Overall, I'd say
that New Yorkers recovered emotionally really, really fast, mainly because
_everyone_ felt that horror and shock. But personal tragedy like this is tough
because our culture tolerates friendship that doesn't tolerate "general
unpleasantness". Anyone going through this will be a wreck, that's a given.
But so often friends will turn their back, unable or unwilling to endure the
unpleasant inconvenience of a friend in dire need. This is, of course,
inhuman.

So yes, kudos for a well-written piece, and may you find happiness once again
(you will).

------
saym
I found myself stopping to digest several phrases. On top of being courageous
and open about your experiences, you certainly have a way with words.

Thank you for your honesty. As someone who lacks life experience, I sincerely
appreciate your perspective.

------
sneak
I had the good fortune to meet Al3x this year while he was traveling, before
this article was published in The Magazine. I heard most of this story over
drinks in Berlin.

Had I heard the same kind of story from just about anyone else, I think it
would have been pretty uneventful, but to sit across from someone so
undeterred by some of life's largest challenges was pretty moving. I imagine
the sort of outward displays of not-really-togetherness I'd probably display
under similar circumstances, and Al3x's matter-of-fact and direct way of
dealing with it was pretty inspirational. It totally comes through in this
piece, too.

What a guy.

------
_debug_
> I packed up what was left, put all but necessities into storage. Sold my
> car.

(Not directly related to the article, but) : In the West, is it always the
husband that has to leave the house? I once saw a movie in which the husband
comes home and discovers that he being offered a divorce, and the wife says,
"Leave my home". She was a stay-at-home wife, and he was working. I found it
odd that she refers to it "my home" rather than "our home" or "the home" or "I
think it is better if we both live apart", which is more civil.

If so, it's a cultural dictum, rather than a legal one, right?

(I am from India and I don't know many divorced people).

~~~
jacalata
He says near the beginning that they were planning to move and the house was
already on the market - both of them had to leave the house. It is not always
true that the husband has to leave the house.

    
    
      1. sometimes only one partner could afford the house on their own. It 
      makes sense for them to be the one that stays.
      2. if there are children, then where possible it can make life easier on 
      them if the parent who gets custody stays in the house 
      so the children don't have to move. This is more frequently the mother.
      3. if the divorce is seen as one person's "fault" then they are expected 
      to take on most of the inconvenience, which includes moving out.
      4. depending on your state and any pre-nuptial agreements and niche 
      circumstances like living in a house owned by the parents of one person, 
      sometimes the house straight up belongs to one member of the couple and
      they get to stay there.
    

/edit formatting wtf?

~~~
_debug_
Thanks! I guess what applies to the situation in the movie is point 2, about
the children.

------
themgt
_I spent four years telling anyone who asked how we met that OkCupid’s
matching algorithms must have been off. “We were only a seventysomething
percent match, with like a twelve percent chance of being enemies. Guess they
need to work some bugs out!” The joke’s on me, of course. I emailed the right
person at OkCupid to apologize for the years of disparagement._

This about a 4 year relationship? The whole thing reads like someone who needs
to do a lot more self-reflection.

~~~
graue
The suggestion that OkCupid's algorithms were right all along and that's why
the 4-year relationship failed is, if taken seriously, indeed questionable.
But I'd assume that remark is more an offhanded joke than anything.

~~~
mwetzler
That part of the story stuck out to me. I don't think he's mentioning it just
because it's funny. I think he regrets brushing off that warning flag. I could
almost feel his pain when he mentioned it. 12% enemy is significant. It means
you are misaligned on some things that are important to you.

Years ago, when my SO and I calculated our compatibility using OKCupid, there
was a way to run a report on items that decreased compatibility. We didn't
have many, but it was helpful to talk about the few things we did disagree on.
I wonder if they were able to do something similar before their marriage;
maybe it would have helped.

Sorry for your pain Alex, but glad to see you are getting to experience some
wonderful new things. Thank you for sharing this touching piece.

~~~
jackowayed
Don't put so much stock in an online dating algorithm. He was just trying to
illustrate how perfect everything seemed, how sure of everything he was, until
suddenly that stable-seeming foundation fell out from under him.

There's no way that in a post that explores the limits of technology, he's
actually trying to make some claim that he missed a huge red flag in an online
dating algorithm's output, nor that we should interpret the situation in that
way.

~~~
apgwoz
> Don't put so much stock in an online dating algorithm.

I wouldn't put so much stock in someone like eHarmony, but OkCupid--sure!
Those guys use math!

disclaimer: I work for OkCupid Labs.

~~~
anothermachine
eHarmony uses math!

OKCupid uses reader-generated surveys.

~~~
shawn-butler
I would say eHarmony relies on pyschology; okCupid on sociology or
anthropology.

Was somewhat disappointed when okCupid was acquired by match.com.

------
unoti
A while back I moved, and my Mom asked me if I felt at home yet. I told her,
"I felt at home the moment I plugged in the first ethernet cable."

------
datalus
Probably one of the most human pieces on HN. The comments so far are
enlightening.

------
shawn-butler
There is nothing meaningful or worthwhile in life, just living until you
aren't. A lot of comments talk about flow or busyness and there is some truth
that we find some happiness in adding to ourselves. That is, in perfecting a
skill so that it becomes "second nature." I'm not entirely convinced; it seems
like it's just a way to distract your awareness from the reality of your
existence.

There is an old Chinese proverb (the beauty of which is probably lost in the
butchery of my translation):

"Life is like honey-gathering bees, After collecting all the honey from myriad
flowers, They age and their labor leaves them with nothing."

------
cageface
The bright side of course is that the world is open right now in a way it's
_never_ been before. I've spent the last two years bouncing around the globe,
mostly in SE Asia. Thanks to the internet and a remotable skillset I can land
in a new city tomorrow and have income and probably new contacts willing to
show me around town.

This kind of thing is always traumatic but it's a great time to be a hacker
with no ties.

------
pizza
_Busy, busy, busy, is what we Bokononists whisper whenever we think of how
complicated and unpredictable the machinery of life really is._

------
liberatus
"It is taking time to make things whole again..."

Try saying: 'It is taking time to make things "feel" whole again.'

I know it's a small difference, but it provides (imho) a more accurate
perspective. Perspective is a lot, if not everything.

Point is, you're already whole, but it takes time to feel it.

------
perfunctory
> Maybe technology made it all too easy to slide into a life I wasn’t meant to
> have. It would be so convenient to think that way. Marriage didn’t work out?
> Blame the dating site.

Some people probably do believe that a dating site is the one to blame. Sad.

------
kafkaesque
I can relate. When this happened in my life, I listened to Dave Mason's "Look
at You, Look at Me" a lot, which is, interestingly enough, from the album
Alone Together.

------
diminish
can we hack divorce, hack life, hack being alone?

------
pyrotechnick
Alex,

Thank you so very much for sharing your story. This degree of honesty is far
too rare and is absolutely commendable. More appropriately, your story
resonates in strong sympathy with mine.

 _"I owe my life to technology."_

Those who've never uttered this are simply unable to grasp the extensive
implications of such a notion. Even in those who don't openly admit it, it
eventually manifests itself; often in bizarre ways. A friend of mine has the
"transistor" symbol tattooed across his forearm; another wears small
electrical components as jewellery. Neither are able to readily admit just how
much technology has effected their lives; particularly to their partners. This
failure of honesty was the downfall of my most cherished relationship, and
many since. And I fear, many hereafter.

 _"I tried to imagine what my life would be like in the wake of all this if I
had been living two hundred years ago. Most likely, I would be trapped. I
would be living in the scraps of the life that had unraveled around me. I
could not seek the support of friends from around the world at any time of day
or night. I could not book passage to wherever I felt I needed to escape to. I
couldn’t work from wherever I happen to end up. Trapped."_

The truth is: our fixation on all things technological is merely a symptom of
what's otherwise a distinct disease. We yearn for a life less ordain, less
automated and yet it's these very concepts we attempt to employ in our escape.
We've been sold a lie. In the past, escaping to seek counsel was much easier.
There were entire unchartered continents boasting unique foreigners with
novel, enlightening perspectives. Sure, technology has made these endeavours
vastly more efficient, in terms of both time and work. But at what cost? It is
my observation that in our advancements, we dilute our power to transmute our
problems into solutions. Meanwhile, technology has not universally transformed
the degree to which all members of our species cooperate. The shifting all of
our burdens onto what we believe will save us, in this case technology, has
been incredibly disempowering for us all. The problem has never been in our
technology, or lack thereof; it was, and always will be, in us.

 _"It is now nearing mid-November and, despite a hurricane and a freak
snowstorm and the general insanity that is this place, I’m still here."_

That you are. If ever your answer to the question "Am I alive?" is "Yes", then
your purpose here on this planet has most certainly not yet been realised.

You are going to make it.

Eyes open. No fear.

