
Ask HN: I’m being bullied at work. What do I do? - genericperson
Ask HN: I’m being bullied at work. What do I do?<p>This is a throwaway account.<p>I’ve been in a new company for 2 months now. I’m a developer and I’m being bullied by my Product Owner. I’m a direct to an Agile Coach and on top of us is the CTO. This is a tech company with around 70 employees and we are in Europe. The PO is a female and I’m a male.<p>On my first week, me and the PO had a disagreement during a Scrum Grooming. It wasn’t a big deal for me but it must have been a big deal for her. Since then I’ve been constantly questioned, bullied and I’m sure she bad mouthes me to the upper management and other senior people. I also know that she accuses me of being sexist (I’m a feminist and a LGBT rights activist). This week she screamed at me.<p>I know this person is perceived as aggressive by the rest of the company but she seems well integrated and she has a lot of pull with upper management. My team members are aware of the situation but they obviously don’t want to get involved.<p>I don’t discuss the situation with anyone with fear of being accused of trying to win them to my side. I only want the situation to go away. I’m afraid of complaining to my Agile Coach and&#x2F;or HR because I don’t want the person in question to be confronted otherwise I think it will only make things worse for me.<p>I’m on a 6 months contract and I’m afraid this person will make sure I don’t get a full employment offer. I’ve been doing very well with my programming tasks so I know that’s not an issue.<p>I like the company and the paycheck is great. I’ve never been in a situation like this before. I live in constant fear of upsetting her. What do I do?
======
mamcx
Apologize.

This sound counter-intuitive; but it work a lot of times.

The things is that most people fixate in that "the other" is wrong and "I'm
right".

 _Probably is_ , but the other is thinking the _same_. If 2 persons fight, and
one have the arm broken and the other have only a finger, you can' count that
the one with the broken finger will be calm and rational and know is he that
is hurting more. It have the broken finger, dammit, and you must pay!

This is one of the teachings of Jesus. You take a proactive attitude to
diffuse a situation. If you are "more guilty" you do because you are, if your
"are not more guilty" o worse, "totally innocent", you ALSO DO it because you
have _the moral high ground_ , and because is _smart_.

\---

I have be in situations like this, but worse. Even with actual death threats
and display of weapons. Have never ever in a fight, and yet "win" all of it ;)

"Sorry, I think I have say something wrong, that was not my intention. I not
feel good because this. I wanna to solve any misunderstanding that and that
situation/words have caused. I appreciate the work here I like my coworkers
very much, and think we can move forward. I appreciate your opinion on this. "

Or something like that. You get the idea.

Look, if the situation can be saved, a calm voice and be humble must work when
the people in conflict are not that against you, and have enough decency.

If even acting like this not work, then you are more certain is better to get
out.

P.D: Can be even better if you can bring another, neutral, person, and be
_very casual_ about this.

~~~
blackflame7000
I agree. What some people don't understand is that conflict resolution has
nothing to do with being right. In fact because of human obstinacy, often
times a dichotomy of either being in the right, or resolving the conflict are
the only choices present. If you wan't the problem to go away, you have to be
the bigger person as much as that sucks. Remember bullies are mainly seeking a
reaction but not a conciliatory one, it ruins the effect they were after.

------
cjbprime
Here's a counter-argument, just in case you need it. Of course I have no idea
what the actual situation is.

It was hard to find examples of things I'd consider bullying in your post. The
only thing seemed to be being screamed at once, which I agree is unacceptable.

Everything else seemed explainable as you having had an early disagreement
with someone senior to you that led them to initially question your
competence, and perhaps assume you are arrogant; they're continuing to do
that, perhaps also to people senior than both of you.

(You also mention something about how you can't be sexist because you're a
feminist, which seems a weird thing to say. In my experience everyone's
somewhat sexist, and the people you need to worry about the most are people
who think they're immune to it.)

Switching to another team, talking to your Agile Coach, or even talking to the
PO about it constructively all seem like decent ideas to me. But you could
consider the possibility that you simply made a bad impression and haven't
taken any concrete steps to improve your relationship with them, giving them
the impression that you're uninterested in doing so.

~~~
genericperson
It's not easy to defend yourself against sexist accusations, except that I
have proof that I'm an activist and I've rallied for women rights and LGBT
rights. Does it exclude the possibility of me being sexist? No, but it sure as
hell keeps it at bay.

I do consider the possibility that I made a bad impression. In fact I'm well
aware that was a mistake and I tried to fix it by making up for it in any way
possible. But it has been 2 months now and it's not getting better so I'm
running out of ideas but I appreciate your perspective and I agree with you in
part.

Thanks for your input.

Edit: From your perspective how can I solve it?

~~~
obstinate
> No, but it sure as hell keeps it at bay.

I would avoid this attitude. Assume there are areas where you can improve in
this dimension. The fact that you're being defensive on this point here with
us is not a good signal. It makes me think that maybe you are being defensive
at work as well.

The correct response to this is, "I'll keep that in mind and look for ways to
improve." There is zero room for making statements about how good you are on
this point or any other, except through action. There is no way talking up
your own qualities can help.

> Edit: From your perspective how can I solve it?

Personally, I'd go the direct conversation route. Schedule a one-on-one, say,
"I've gotten the impression that our relationship doesn't have the
professional trust I would like it to. I'd like to understand what I can do
better." Take radical steps to demonstrate good faith. Never complain, never
defend.

I was actually in this situation lately, but on the other side of the table. I
had a person under my leadership who had been disgruntled and unsatisfied, and
I had to go to them and basically say, I'm sorry I've been a bad lead, but I
want to repair this. We had a long conversation where I basically took
responsibility for every bad thing that had happened, and pledged to improve.
Since then, there's been a night and day improvement in our professional
relationship.

If it were a peer, I might suggest something different, because bullying in
this case might be a way for the peer to assert extra-organizational power
over you. But this individual already has organizational power over you --
what you perceive as bullying is probably not about obtaining more power.

Or it could be a rare case where the other individual has some sort of
sociopathic tendencies. In which case there is probably not much you can do.
But nine times out of ten this is not the situation.

~~~
amag
> "I've gotten the impression that our relationship doesn't have the
> professional trust I would like it to. I'd like to understand what I can do
> better."

This! Use these words exactly! How she responds to this will show you what
it's all about. Either she gives you concrete examples of what she thinks the
problems are and how you two can solve them or she will continue as before. If
it's the latter there's probably nothing that will make her change.

> Never complain, never defend.

And this! Even _if_ you 100% in the right, complaining about person A to
person B will have a significant chance of you losing face in the eyes of
person B (exceptions: you either know person B extremely well (e.g. spouse) or
person B has also experienced the faults of person A). Acting defensively will
seem as if you're not willing to learn or see your own flaws.

------
jayrox
I'll tell you what worked for me:

I walked over the bully and told them to their face that I did not appreciate
the way they were talking to me. That I will not accept or tolerate being
treated the way they were attempting to treat me. I then wrote an email to
their manager with what happened, copied the conversation that was had in chat
and explained that we are adults and that behavior was not acceptable. Their
manager had a talk with them and it hasn't happened again.

I was/am prepared to forward my communication to HR if the time comes where
they try to bully again.

------
teilo
_Do Not Apologize!_ That is a recipe for censure, failure, and a permanent
record. It is also a way to guarantee the problem will only get worse. Your
apology will be used as an admission of guilt, and she _will_ use this against
you.

Ignore the advice which others give here to approach her directly. That too is
a recipe for disaster. She will use this "one-on-one" time to drum up
additional charges against you. You cannot reconcile with her. There is
nothing you can say to change her behavior.

You need to go on the offensive, hard and fast. Document everything. Go over
her head. Do not back down. Do not let yourself be intimidated. Stay calm,
cool, and collected, and then, when you have everything you need, file charges
against her with management.

The goal here is to make her toxic behavior rebound back on her. Do not feel
sorry for her. She can end this at any time by changing her behavior.
Remember: she is her own worst enemy. You are not the problem. She is creating
the environment. She should bear the consequences.

If at all possible, foster an "I don't care what you think about me" attitude
when it comes to whatever garbage she invents about you. This is to insulate
yourself from your own emotional reaction, which will only damage your case.

Remember: Your goal here is not to reconcile with her. Your goal here is to
serve your company and their clients with your best work. She is standing in
the way of doing that and is attempting to damage your career in the process.

~~~
run4yourlives2
Are you being sarcastic?

I only ask because this sounds like a great way to escalate the situation and
get OP fired. (I don't care how bad she is, she has experience capital and OP
does not. She is more valuable to them than he is, end of story.)

An underhanded "I'm going to get you" approach only labels you as a toxic
employee. Perhaps she may already have that label with colleagues and within
the industry and she is tolerated based on work output. I don't see how it is
productive for OP to join that club, particularly with little to no
counterbalance.

I'm not sure what type of experiences you have had in your career to conclude
that your recommended approach is a good one, but launching a nuclear assault
because someone shot a rifle your way is not a very effective solution unless
your goal is to destroy everything, including yourself.

~~~
teilo
No, I am not being sarcastic. I am being a cold realist. This is the path to
self-preservation.

I did not advocate an "I'm going to get you approach" in the least. I am
advocating the opposite: that the OP distance himself from his own reactions,
and take whatever steps are necessary to make her behavior rebound back on
her. No tricks or traps. No revenge plotting. No righteous indignation. No
character assassination. Cold and careful strategy. Recognize the threat. Stay
in control. Collect your evidence. Act to mitigate it using the established
means that exist to do so.

She invoked the nuclear option the moment she played the sexism card. This
means she feels threatened by his work. Not by him, but by his work. There is
no going back once this happens. Anyone who falsely makes or implies such a
thing is a direct threat to your career and reputation. You have to treat it
like a loaded gun is aimed at you. As I said, she can end this at any time by
changing her behavior, which in this case means admitting that no sexism
occurred and that she was the guilty party.

------
4818
Smile and wave. As the Brits say, keep calm and carry on. Don't mix emotions
with business. Apply for other jobs in Europe.
[http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/500x/23804747.jpg](http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/500x/23804747.jpg)

------
garyfirestorm
My advisor told me once 'i think you should go somewhere where they respect
and value your skills, care and help you advance your career. There are plenty
of opportunities out there.'

Summary - work place environment needs to improve for you. You can't live
under fear, that will be the biggest hindrance in your progress. You need to
freely express your opinions without getting screamed at. Its important to get
your ideas out, that is how you learn if youre thinking in right direction. I
have been in similar situation, avoid companies with this sort of a culture.
They just want you to do the hard work.

------
anthony-james
Schedule a private 1-on-1, and tell her point blank, "I've noticed that you do
<X/Y/Z> to me and it makes me uncomfortable. Why do you do <X/Y/Z> to me?"

Either she'll explain why she's a jerk, in which case you can ask her not to
do that anymore, or she'll realize she'd been doing something she wasn't aware
of and stop. If she feigns ignorance, then you switch from inquisitive to
commanding: "Treating me like <X/Y/Z> is negatively impacting my ability to
deliver work to the company/team. I need you to stop treating me like <X/Y/Z>
in order to achieve our team's objectives. If you don't stop treating me like
<X/Y/Z>, I will have to involve [her boss]." She may deny some or all of this,
but it doesn't matter. You're not trying to argue, you're trying to make her
aware so she can't feign ignorance to her superiors.

Make sure you record the conversation on your smartphone. I've gotten to the
point where I record all of my time I spend in the office in order to protect
me against claims of sexism because of how detrimental it can be to my career.

By structuring the conversation in terms of your work performance, you can
help convince her, her superiors, and the court (if it comes to that) that she
is in the wrong and that you're a victim. If you don't record it though, none
of it matters.

~~~
edblarney
"I've noticed that you do <X/Y/Z> to me and it makes me uncomfortable. Why do
you do <X/Y/Z> to me?"

Uhhmm ... well, I'm not sure this is the best approach, in my opinion.

1)

By framing the discussion as 'why do you do this to me'? It makes the
assumption that 'she possibly did something wrong' etc. etc.. It's just a
shade accusatory, and I'll bet $100 this person will assume as much.

2)

"Either she'll explain why she's a jerk, in which case you can ask her not to
do that anymore, or she'll realize she'd been doing something she wasn't aware
of and stop."

There's no chance of the former, and a very small chance of the latter.

If you're going to have a 1-on-1, I think it should probably avoid the
specifics of the past (because it will just be something to argue over) - and
say something like:

"Hey, Mary Sue, it seems we got off on the wrong foot here, I'm pretty new, I
don't know how things work, why don't you help me figure out how we can work
together and get things done"

1) By being a somewhat apologetic without admitting any wrongdoing ...

2) By avoiding 'things in the past' to nitpick ...

3) By assuming some humility about 'being new' and therefore maybe not knowing
everything ...

4) By not making any reference to her 'doing anything wrong' or 'being wrong'
...

5) By being 'forward looking' and 'trying figure out ways to get stuff done'
...

She'll likely give you a piece of her mind with respect to what she expects in
terms of working together. How she handles that might help you decide wether
to stay or leave.

------
tenpoundhammer
I'm sorry you have to deal with being harassed and find your self in an
uncomfortable environment daily. I have dealt with this kind of behavior in
the past working for several large companies, and as a quiet person that likes
to keep to myself I have always had problems dealing with power dynamics. You
have a few options.

1\. Find a new Job then quit. This may sound like hard advice to take, but if
you are in a position and you feel like the structure of the company creates
an environment were a person being victimized has no recourse, do you really
want to work there anyway? It's always hard to quit a job but finding a new
job first will make it much easier, and it will be easier to find a new job
now that you are currently employed and have experience. ( I've done this )

2\. Find a new job and then talk to HR. If HR does not act to stop the
harassment then you can threaten to quit. If you come under retaliation then
you can quit. Be sure you have an actual job offer before you threaten to
quit, employers will often taken you up on that threat.

3\. Talk to the person in a personal way. Explain that you want to be friends
and explain how their actions are negatively impacting you. I've found that
many people play power dynamics games in an unconscious/impersonal way. They
either don't know that they are doing anything to distress you or largely
consider it "part of the game". In any case when rational people are faced
with the consequences of their actions they often change their behavior.

Good luck and may God bless you.

------
techjuice
As soon as this happens you should report it to HR, insure you reference any
materials in the employee/contractor/company code of ethics, etc. There are
more then likely laws that would also help resolve this issue too. So insure
you report it to HR and call your city/state department of labor and ask away.
They are paid to help you out just the same as the IRS or local state
government will answer any tax questions you have if you are trying to run
your own business.

~~~
JSeymourATL
> As soon as this happens you should report it to HR...

The H.R. Department Is NOT Where to Turn for Help With a Hostile Work
Environment > [https://toughnickel.com/business/Hostile-Work-
Environment---...](https://toughnickel.com/business/Hostile-Work-Environment
----Why-HR-Doesnt-Care-About-You)

------
JohnLeTigre
Typically, agressive people are those who can't admit defeat, agressivity
being their last resort to "still win".

The trick is to maintain their illusion that they are in control.

So instead of saying: "It would be unwise to implement this feature because of
X"

you could say: "I'm wondering if X could stop us from implementing this
feature efficiently, what do you think?"

(what do you think = I am relegating control to you)

Stay clear of personal statements as much as possible but if it's unavoidable,
think of "leaving them an open door"

Say your PO ate your lunch (for god knows what reason),

you would not say: "Why did you eat my lunch?",

you would say: "It might have been an accident but did you eat my lunch?"

(It might have been an accident = I'm giving you a ready-made excuse that you
can use so that you can still feel in control about stuff)

It is important to have you "open door" at the begining of the statement for
maximum effectiveness.

\---

Business-wise though, the typical steps is

\- try and fix it one on one (use the open door trick): "It might be just me
but did you notice work tensions between us, if so how can we fix this..."

\- if this fails, go to HR but don't talk badly about anyone, you need to use
the "ask for advice" approach.

\- if this fails, start sending your cv to other jobs

------
rajeshp1986
Let me tell you something. There are 2 choices in front of you:

1) Loose hope & leave the job - If you choose this option, your PO will come
as a winner. After you leave, no one would care if it was your mistake or her
but people would most probably forget the incidents and think positive about
her. Most of the people will think you had some issues and you left the job.
You might find another job but there is no guarantee that you will not find
another PO or for that matter any collegue/manager with whom you will NOT have
similar issues.

2) Continue in your current Job and commit yourself to improve the situation.
Life is presenting with a unique opportunity to you where you can learn how to
take control of situation when people disagree with you. IMO, you can learn
something very unique out of this situation even if you happen to loose your
job after 6 months. This will build a character in you in how to face tough
situations. A career is a long journey where you will face situations where
people disagree with you. Learning this early in life will help to understand
and act better in situations like this. I would say don't worry if you will
get a permanent offer from this employer and continue looking for other Job
options. If you do find a good job offer then whether to choose that offer
should be completely a rational decision based on career growth, salary,
technology and not because you are having people issues at your current job.
Changing a Job is a life decision and you should be the only one who should
take this decision.

Now, there are certain things you should do to improve your current situation
at job. By your question, I feel that you had a direct confrontation with your
Product Owner. She might not had liked this direct confrontation and is not
happy with you. Have a 1:1 discussion with her and understand what you are
doing wrong that is making her upset. In the end you will come up as a much
more stronger person than her.

------
venusiant
Leaving is always an option.

Recognise that she is empowered by the organisation and you are not.
Therefore, in your position, you will generally have to comply with what she
wishes even if you feel it is wrong.

If you want to tough it out, I have a plan for you. Firstly, accept that your
'zone of influence' within the organisation is small. There are things that
you can control and things that you can't control, and in your current
situation there is not much you can control. Psychologically, what you can do
is to choose not to be bothered by what you can't control. In other words, you
can choose to abide by the maxim "Happiness is not getting what you want, but
wanting what you get."

Also, you say you are in fear. Remind yourself that it is no big deal if she
is upset, if you need to leave the company it is ok. You have nothing to lose.
Try to see the humour of her overreactions. Of course, do not try to provoke
her, but do it out of prudence rather than fear.

Remember, although you do not have much control within the organisation, you
do have control over finding another job if you decide to do that.

Another thing I would do is arrange a short meeting with your report where you
concisely outline the issue and how it is challenging you. This can be very
difficult to do without causing more harm to the situation but it will help
you if you raise the issue early. Keep the meeting short, you do not want to
take up your boss's time with drama.

There are two key points you should make in the meeting. One is that the
situation is challenging for you. You can literally say "I am challenged by
this situation." Framing the situation in this way emphasises that you see it
as a problem for yourself, not for the organisation, not for your boss and not
for your PO. The second key point is to briefly outline what you will do to
address the challenge. Generally this will mean focusing on your programming
duties, being polite to your PO and being careful not to be a cause of
conflict or distraction. Raising these two points will show your boss that you
are being proactive about performing well in your job and addressing the
interpersonal challenges of the workplace.

In this meeting you do not want your boss to go away thinking he should take
action, such as disciplinary action or getting HR involved. Trust me, this
would never go well for you. Therefore you should be careful not to create the
impression in your boss that you would like him to take any action, you can
also explicitly state that you don't want him to take action.

The purpose is to simply raise the issue and show that you are taking it on
and dealing with it constructively. It opens a dialog with your boss about it.
If your boss is a good boss you should be able to talk to him about challenges
you are facing and not be afraid of him judging you unfairly, this is
fundamental to a healthy relationship with your boss. Beyond this, having
opened the dialog may help you in the future. For example, if at the end of
the six months there are certain complaints raised that you can trace back to
badmouthing by your PO, you can confidently and politely point that out. If
you had never raised the issue of bulling prior to that time then you will
have no credibility at all. Further, if the bulling reaches a level that you
can no longer tolerate, you can go into a meeting stating that you've decided
you need to leave the company. If your work has been good up until that point
and your boss knows you've being trying to do the right thing, he may be able
to move you to another project within the company. At the very least he will
understand what's gone on and your resignation will not seem abrupt. Keep in
mind it is quite possible he has no power to move you to another project to
keep you away from the PO.

Good luck. Trust your instincts. If working for four more months and not
getting extended seems like a waste of time you need to make that calculation
for yourself and do what's best for your career.

~~~
genericperson
Thank you. You comment was very valuable and validates most of my own thoughts
about how to handle it from now onwards.

------
gr3yh47
Document specific instances of the bullying and go to HR with it. HR is there
to protect the company legally and if you present them with this they should
have concerns over her potential to cause a lawsuit

------
dickbasedregex
First, I would ask an impartial third party if you're right or being over
sensitive. Not that I'm suggestion you are... you just want that sanity check
before you move forward.

I would not be afraid. I would have a direct, civil (but still with a "I'm not
fucking around here" tone) and tell them you don't appreciate it. Have a list
of examples, ideally with dates, you can point to.

If at the end of that conversation you feel things are not going to improve, I
would immediately start A) looking for employment elsewhere and B) getting
materials together to burn her. Will she get fired? From your story, probably
not. Can you make her life and those above her painful for a while? Yes, and
you should. Set that fire on your way out the door. From my stance, everyone
impacted will deserve what's coming even if it's just some extra stress.

You'll be doing nothing wrong. It's a standard grievance that, at least in the
states, is potentially legally actionable. Even if a company has the money and
lawyers to deal with EO complaints and alike, they do not want to deal with
that! And, again in the US, they put themselves in another potentially
actionable place by communicating with potential future employers.

As long as your complaints are valid, what do you have to worry about? Just
tell prospective employers that you gave the position 6 months but wasn't
happy there and are looking for opportunities to continue learning.

~~~
dickbasedregex
In short, I'm suggesting let them think you are considering legal action.

It's surely not worth the expense (money, time, energy) but at least you'll
have the satisfaction of knowing you made a number of people scramble and she
will now have a scrutinizing eye on her.

This job is just a stepping stone to somewhere better.

------
presidentender
What I didn't do in your situation - should have done - was to stick up for
myself. Now, "sticking up" can take several forms, and the trick is to do it
appropriately.

If you're too gentle, the other party might not understand that you have
concerns, might not respect them as important, or might be able to pretend not
to know about them.

If you're too emphatic, you risk exceeding the bounds of professionalism
yourself.

Do stand up for yourself. Don't bully her.

------
Mz
If you really, truly think you are being bullied, then perhaps you should to
go HR and report it. Since that seems to not have crossed your mind, I have to
wonder why? And it makes me suspect that it isn't as simple as she is merely a
meanie who is mistreating you and you have done nothing wrong.

And that brings me to this:

You don't necessarily need to apologize to her, but you should make every
effort to show your respects to this person. Even men who mean well and are
trying hard to not be sexist often fail to genuinely treat female colleagues
with the same degree of professional respect they treat their male colleagues.
So, assume you fell short somehow and try to rise to the occasion and get it
right this time. Quit blaming her, accusing her, acting like it is all her
fault, etc. Be an exemplary professional and expect to earn her trust and her
respect.

Best. It sucks to have workplace friction, no matter the reason.

------
late2part
You asked what to do. You seem like an intelligent person early in their
career.

I want to tell you a quick, true story. In my high school Geography class (or
Social Studies, or something), our teacher told us that the USA was the 2nd
largest land mass country and my friend knew USA was 3rd and Canada was 2nd.

Sure enough, we looked it up in the new almanac (This as back before Bing was
a thing) and Canada has annexed some land and we proved the teacher wrong.

We went to the history teacher and showed him the facts. He said he didn't
care, he'd mark us wrong if we didn't answer the question like he taught us.

We went to the guidance counselor for "guidance." He recommended we write down
what the teacher said to get a better grade and avoid conflict.

So, my friend and I, we wrote down Canada for the 2nd largest country, and we
got it marked wrong.

And we dropped it after that.

Pretty stupid story huh? Doesn't matter now.

Whatever you argued with this Product Owner about, you need to go and
apologize to her, and tell her you're sorry you weren't supportive, and that
you want to help make her product great, and can you wipe the slate clean.

If you can't do that, quit and go work somewhere else.

This is not a place that needs to adapt to you and your opinions. You either
help the company and the organization, or they get rid of you.

I mean this with love, and with gentle guidance: You are not a snowflake.
Maybe they're sexist bigots, or maybe you're just a jerk.

I don't know.

But if they don't like you, you won't work there long. It doesn't matter how
good your code is.

So find a way to become liked, or go work somewhere else. And when you get
there, don't attract conflict or disagree rudely. Find a way to be liked and
make your perception be one of a helpful friendly approachable person.

------
bsvalley
Sit down and communicate with her about the incident and tell her your
intention now is to improve your relationship for the benefit of the team.
Easy to say, hard to do but that's the key here. It will put you in the right
position and no one can argue if you maintain this position.

------
carsongross
Look for another job, be as cooly professional as possible in the meantime and
DON'T TAKE THE BAIT.

------
assafmo
Have you tried talking to her? Explaining the situation from your perspective,
and just trying to let her know that you want to clear the air with her?

I think opening up to her about your worries and feelings can help you both
move forward and make your work environment more friendly.

~~~
assafmo
And don't be defensive about wrong accusations thrown at you. Believe the your
coworkers can see from the side how you behave around and treat other women.

------
MorePowerToYou
If the actual work is going well, you can try working under someone else, in a
different department, etc. Of course, no one should be treated like this in
the workplace. However, it happens because the workplace can really suck.

~~~
genericperson
I thought of it but I can't. I'm a very specific type of developer and our
team is the only one where the role exists.

------
rcavezza
"On my first week, me and the PO had a disagreement during a Scrum Grooming.
It wasn’t a big deal for me but it must have been a big deal for her."

Can you elaborate on this? What was the disagreement?

~~~
genericperson
I would rather not make it explicit since it would provide enough information
for any colleagues of mine reading HN to connect the dots and be 100% sure who
I am.

I was pressured to do something during that meeting, I refused with the
argument that it wouldn't benefit any of us and I explained why. The person
kept asking. I kept refusing. It was uncomfortable.

I know I've handled that particular situation in a bad way. I could just have
done it even if it meant trouble in the future but I took a stance out of
professionalism. It was a mistake, no doubt.

~~~
run4yourlives2
>I refused with the argument that it wouldn't benefit any of us and I
explained why.

That's a bit of a lesson learned in terms of "Things not to do in your first
week".

Aside from criminal activity, I can't think of any situation where you were in
a position to understand things better than the person asking you to do the
task, and even if you where, where it would be a good idea to make such an
immediate disagreement vocal and public.

You should probably test the mileage of making an apology for trying to assert
yourself over a senior person (regardless of whether or not you are in fact
correct) in your first week before you do anything, really. I have a funny
feeling that it might go further than you think here.

------
LordKano
I was in a similar position once.

What I did was kept my head down, performed the work without any personal,
emotional investment and started looking for a new job. It took several months
but it worked out for the better for me. I was so happy when it was time to
submit my two weeks notice. I took three hours to craft my notice email. If
you're good at what you do and your skill set is in demand, this may work for
you.

Good luck.

------
typetypetype
Have you tried to sit down and have an open conversation with this person?
Sometimes doing this can really help diffuse tension.

------
mbfg
This is not what you want to hear, and probably not the correct answer. But
the pragmatic answer is to leave. Whatever happens is going to come at
significant human capital to you, unfortunately, and unfairly, even if you
'win'. Suck it up, till you can get out of there.

------
coleifer
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage
to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

------
silverpikezero
I'm dismayed to see most of the advice given to you by HN is bad. I am in a
very similar situation, and it has been ongoing for years. I have also been
bullied for some substantial parts of my life, so I understand the power
dynamic very well.

In my recent experience, there is a playbook that you should use. This
playbook is designed to be used in a one-on-one setting, between the bully and
the person defending herself. I consider it fairly literal; you should
memorize this sequence, rehearse it, and play it out as close as possible to
how you rehearse. It is also intended to be used without any emotion; the goal
is to be as matter-of-fact as humanly possible. It goes like this:

1\. Point out a very specific problem behavior (screaming at you, some other
event). Be as specific as possible, and use times/dates if you know them.
There should be zero ambiguity about this, and the bully should never have
leeway to disclaim the event. 2\. Explain how it made you feel (angry,
demotivated, alienated, etc.) 3\. Say "when you did #1, the message I received
was (.....) Was that the intended message?". A common example from my own
experience is "I feel like I'm perceived as incompetent, and not any value to
the team." 4\. Regardless of the answer to #3, specifically say the words "In
the future, don't do that again." Don't use the words "request" or "would
like" in this response. 5\. Explain the consequences of breaking directive #4.
Something like "If this happens again, I will report the incident to HR (or
your manager)."

This recipe has corrected nearly every incident of harassment and bullying I
have encountered (well, at least as an adult). It won't fix the underlying
issues; someone might still hate your guts, be jealous of you, or use you as a
scapegoat. Those are deeper issues that this kind of recipe can't address.
Nonetheless, this script directly addresses the problematic behavior, and it
opens the door to confronting some deeper problems once the bully realizes
that their bullying is visible and unaccepted. Strange as it sounds, most
bullies think that their behavior is invisible to all but the victim. Exposing
the bully to others can shift the power balance substantially.

The other thing I recommend is to keep a work diary. You don't need to write
in it every day (although, in a problem workplace, you may end up with >1
entries a day). In this diary, I encourage you to record events that took
place, how you feel about them, and any technical consequences of that event.
I have noticed that bullying tends to produce technical changes in team
function which hurts the product and hurts the operational efficiency of the
group. If these kinds of disputes ever escalate to HR, which sounds very
likely in your case, you will need this diary to establish a pattern of
behavior and demand resolution. It will become your most valuable tool to
improve your situation. It also serves as a somewhat impartial record of what
happened. You may decide that, after reviewing X months of work diary, these
issues are not that serious, and your emotional reaction is dominating how you
feel. In my own case, I expected this to be true (I didn't trust myself
enough), but it became obvious after a 1.5-year diary review that the problem
wasn't me. :)

Good luck.

------
run4yourlives2
Not to belittle your feelings in this situation, but nothing here is what I
would describe as "bullying".

A person not being nice to you, or being an ass in general, is not bullying. I
don't think you'll get a positive outcome here if you frame this situation as
being 'bullied' so I'd suggest using a different approach.

What I do see (and of course, it is a real problem) is that perhaps you and
the PO seem to have a personality conflict. This is obviously an issue because
you clearly don't want it to exist and of course are in a vulnerable position
being so new to the company.

The first thing you need to do, regardless of your fear, is to sit down and
talk with her. You need to explain that you clearly started off on the wrong
foot, and ask her directly if there is anything you can do to change things.
Her position is one of the following: She doesn't realize or intend to have
this affect on you; she thinks you are incompetent or; she is just an ass or
dislikes you for some irrelevant reason. By talking to her directly, you have
a good chance of solving this problem if her position is one of the first two.
(You don't have to like what she offers, but the idea is to assign motive
here.)

If something constructive comes out of that, pursue it. If she is just an ass,
or if you try something for a while and you continue to have issues, then you
can talk to your Coach. I wouldn't talk to HR without first talking to your
direct supervisor though. As your manager they deserve the respect of being
allowed to solve this issue first. At that point, you also have your
conversation and any remedial steps to refer to in that conversation as well.

If that doesn't work, you should look for a new position. You can tell HR the
issue on the exit interview if you want. To be honest, if your manager can't
address this issue to your satisfaction, HR won't either.

Finally: If you can't sit and have a conversation with your PO directly in
which you are able to articulate your position for whatever reason, you should
probably just start looking for a new job regardless. Communication is
essential to your success at work. If you can't communicate, whether it is
"your fault" or "her fault", you won't be successful. May as well cut to the
chase. If this is the case though, you need to be clear and honest with
yourself though about why you are coming to this conclusion. There is more
than one person out there that is going to be hard to work with... at some
point you need to be able to address these types of conflicts in a way that is
constructive and that works for you beyond simply removing yourself from the
situation entirely.

I wish you the best of luck. These things are never fun, but they are
inevitable given human nature.

------
edblarney
Obviously, this may not be a possible option for you ... and I loathe to say
this, but you should probably just leave.

There's no way to deal with the issue without making it 'you vs. her'. Even if
they don't like her (and know she's a bitch), maybe she's too important to
them at this point ... so you're going to be perceived as 'the problem'.

If she is as bad as you say she is, surely other people will take note of
that, you may want to hand in your resignation and inform upper management of
the reasons why. And then move on.

I wish you well.

~~~
edblarney
I would add one thing: if you keep going on like this, you will become her
victim. It will affect you.

Right now - you're new - you're kind of outside the game. You're almost an
'observer'.

But once you are trapped in that - you'll either have to assume the position
of 'trained animal' \- or you'll face serious wrath.

To appease her at the beginning, you might feign meekness - but this will
consume your identity. It will start to affect your view of yourself, your
skills, your role in life.

It's not fair, but that's power. If you feel that she is definitely valued by
the company and can't/won't replace here, then there's not much chance you can
win. It's going to be 'political' not 'judicious'. A startup that needs to
make milestones is going to chose whoever is more valuable to them at that
point and that's it.

I was in this situation once, the best thing I ever did was walk away, I was
foolish to hang on for even the several weeks I did.

Anyhow, I don't want to seem so authoritative, obviously, it's a personal
choice, but if you truly feel this person is bad and vindictive ... it could
very well consume you. Surely you're a smart guy, find a place that works for
you.

~~~
thefastlane
agreed. think in terms of game theory -- if you can hustle your way out of
there, you could be saving yourself a lot of emotional wear/toll.

