

Ask HN: How to talk to someone who's been a victim of child abuse - justask

I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask such questions, but I'm out of choices, so I figured I'd give it a shot.<p>Without me knowing what emotions it would set off, yesterday I pointed my girlfriend to read the HuffPO article about Bill Zeller (after reading about it on HN). To my complete surprise and shock, when we were together last night, she told me that reading that article brought back a lot of memories: she was abused by a cousin of hers (a female) when she was 6.<p>She said that at the time, she felt guilty: for both letting her do this, experiencing joy, knowing about things she did not think she should have know about that early in her life and more. This is also the reason she has trouble trusting people (She doesn't drink, and despite me asking her over and over for the reason, she never told why until last night). She does not feel like she was scarred sexually (we have a healthy sexual life despite our relationship being relatively short, but she's also enjoyed a similarly healthy sexual life with her ex-boyfriends). However, she did say that she does think about that time every so often, and feels depressed whenever she does. She speaks with this cousin of hers from time-to-time but says they never discuss what happened (the cousin, btw, was 11 at the time). She has also not told anybody besides me and her ex-boyfriend (whom she was with for a long time). She has not spoken with her parents about it, not a professional.<p>My response, when she told me all this was of complete shock, and anger at the cousin. I told her that she has nothing to feel guilty about, that this isn't something she had control over and that all the guilt lies with her cousin. I also asked her if she had similar feelings towards life as Zeller did (re: suicide) - No. I also told her that she should think about speaking with a professional: this might bring out and resolve issues she does not even know exist.<p>Beyond this, I did not know what else to tell her. I have absolutely no training in mental health (all knowledge I have on the subject, come from TV shows/movies). I was hoping to solicit some advice from the HN community regarding how I could talk to her, to make her feel better, more comfortable and stop feeling the guilt she does from this incident.
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AndrewDucker
Let her talk.

Listen.

Hug her (if she wants - some people find that digging up these memories causes
them to temporarily feel uncomfortable when touched).

Don't tell her that she has to talk about it. Or pressure her into it. Let her
know that you're willing to listen, and let her come around to it in her own
time.

If she wants to see a professional then support that - but don't feel that
everyone necessarily _needs_ to. If she can deal with it herself then that's
fine. If not, and she wants help, then that's fine too.

Remember that this is personal, and different for everyone. And only she knows
how she's dealing with it.

Things will, most likely, get bad and then get better again. Digging stuff up
is painful, and it will make her sensitive, and more likely to be triggered by
things. Give her time, and space, and she will probably get past this, and be
happier in the long run for it. But you can't rush it, you just have to live
through it.

Bear in mind that you will (most likely) get frustrated because you want her
to get better and deal with this in the way that you think is healthiest. Try
not to take this frustration out on her.

Oh, and take it as a compliment that she trusts you enough to talk to you
about it.

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stretchwithme
I think dwelling on a bad experience strengthens the memory in your head. So
once you've learned what you can from it, make a conscious effort not to think
about events that make you suffer.

Doing something physical can help take you out of your head. Things like Qi
Gong or Tai Chi. Meditation also can help calm that part of your brain that
tends to dwell on things.

But these are approaches that a person can take if they are interested in
addressing the problem. In other words, if your girlfriend is asking you what
she can do, make suggestions. It may be that she just wants you to listen.

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Mz
Accept her. Don't try to fix her. Don't let this change your view of her too
much. There is a lot more to her than this. Don't magnify the issue by
focusing on it excessively. If your shock and anger remain, get help for the
difficulty you are having in coping with your feelings. Don't make it her
problem that you are shocked and angry. Not all men react that way.

Peace.

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pasbesoin
This is remarkably similar to someone I knew. She definitely decided to find
her own way. After the time to develop some trust, she availed herself of my
ear and perhaps a bit of my perspective, but did not want to be told what to
do.

(She was also more than a bit of a user, emotionally and intellectually but
not materially. But I'm not ready to conflate the experience and these
qualities.

Professionally, she was quite successful.)

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klbarry
I totally understand your need for guidance, but this might be better put on
Reddit.com. There would be a lot more people answering your query, and topics
like this are common and acceptable there, and I've always seen a lot of
quality answers. If you get a lot of advice here, that's fine, but keep Reddit
in mind as an alternative.

