
Don’t Hit Send: Angry Emails Just Make You Angrier - rubikscube
http://www.wsj.com/articles/dont-hit-send-angry-emails-just-make-you-angrier-1439227360
======
molecule
Venting is positive reinforcement of expression of anger. Renowned Buddhist
monk and peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh calls this 'Training in Aggression':

 _> People who use venting techniques like hitting a pillow or shouting are
actually rehearsing anger. When someone is angry and vents their anger by
hitting a pillow, they are learning a dangerous habit. They are training in
aggression. Instead, our approach is to generate the energy of mindfulness and
embrace anger every time it manifests._

\- [http://www.lionsroar.com/loosening-the-knots-of-
anger/](http://www.lionsroar.com/loosening-the-knots-of-anger/)

~~~
noondip
What absolute nonsense. Beating a pillow -- you are not hurting anybody and
there is nothing wrong in it. The important distinction is to be aware of and
to express your anger, obviously not at others, but at the pillow (or
exercise, etc). Such a catharsis will make you feel unburdened and relaxed,
more so than from control and condemnation.

~~~
enjo
I don't think that is good advice. There is a lot of interesting science that
suggests exactly the opposite. Being angry succeeds in only one thing: making
you angrier.

Here is a good overview:
[https://www.mtholyoke.edu/courses/jbickfor/bushman2002.pdf](https://www.mtholyoke.edu/courses/jbickfor/bushman2002.pdf)

~~~
cthalupa
Speaking purely from my own anecdotal personal experience:

Dwelling on something and thinking about how angry it makes me certainly does
make me angrier.

However, in the handful of times of my life that I've gotten really, truly,
into a rage over something monumental, I had no way to actually let go of it
until I had a chance to go scream into a pillow and punched my mattress a few
times. The relief was pretty immediate - almost all of the anger drained away.
Prior to that I was too amped up to do anything constructive about the issue.
After, I was able to focus enough to get to work on fixing it.

I don't know how to reconcile my own personal experiences with that research,
outside of a cop-out answer of "Not everyone is the same".

~~~
dllthomas
I don't think the two are incompatible in the slightest. It could well be that
expressing your anger violently 1) makes you feel calmer in the moment, and 2)
trains you to be more likely to need to do so in the future.

If that's the case, then "harmless" violent expression is a useful tool when
others fail (as you've experienced - and certainly much preferable to directly
harmful violent expression!), but other techniques should be learned and
should be preferred out of habit.

That said, it's absolutely the case that "Not everyone is the same".

------
labster
I agree with the title of the article, but disagree with its thesis. Anger is
an emotional sign from your brain that something is wrong. And actually
sitting down to write the angry email makes me actually think everything
through. Without identifying the source of my anger, the rage just builds.

But then, for the love of Linus, don't actually click send. This is like
committing untested, breaking social code straight to production. It might
work out for the best, but only if you're lucky. Like all writing, it needs to
be refactored and edited; it needs to achieve a purpose other than making you
feel temporarily justified. So wait an hour if you're a little angry. Wait six
hours if you're a lot angry. (I wish Gmail could detect angry emails and
replace "send" with a hamburger button, then I'd definitely have to calm down
to figure out how to send it.)

But anger is not useless. I've launched websites because of a long, slow-
burning ire at other sites, and it fueled my work for years. It's possible to
channel rage into creative work. So, if your brain works that way, use it to
show your own correctness and creativity, not another's problems.

~~~
ak39

      But then, for the love of Linus, don't actually click send.
    

Quotable classic! LOL.

True, anger can be a fuel to get things done. But it's not a good fuel to use
for long term sustainability. Blood pressure and stress are killers, my
friend. There's got to be another way.

I have battled with an angry temperament my whole life. Stocked up on all
kinds of CBT material. I'm 42 and as the mist and fog of testosterone is
clearing with age, I can now see myself with a bit more sharper focus. It's
hilarious. Sometimes I am baffled that I blew so much steam over something
trivial! :-( Then the shame of getting angry follows shortly thereafter. Which
then makes me angry with myself about the whole affair. Somewhat.

I've also noticed something interesting over the years ... that a lot of folks
with what we call "shorter fuses" are often used for mild entertainment by
others who deliberately provoke "short fusers". The sooner the "angros"
realise that they are entertainment for others, the quicker they will recover
from being reactionary personalities. Let the psychopaths find other forms of
entertainment.

I grew up as an exercise-induced asthmatic kid, often sidelined in sports and
games. I don't know whether this has shaped my mildly resentful, impatient and
contrarian personality. (I am not ready to call myself cynical yet!) :-)

It has taken me decades of personal rehabilitation in the company of a loving,
caring, understanding and forgiving wife.

God bless the Beauty whose job it is to tame the Beast! (I'm going to hug her
right away!)

------
dgreensp
Typical of newspaper columns about emotions, this article muddles along with a
few anecdotes, a sprinkling of social science, and some facile conclusions. A
book selected at random from the "self-help" section of your bookstore will
give you much better advice.

We've all regretted sending angry emails before, which is what makes the
article resonate, but it also makes it useless. Sending an email that you
immediately come to realize was inappropriate is a powerful teacher, and
there's no need for a panel to weigh in on that particular situation. When we
subtract out this noninformative core, we're left with a corona of FUD about
venting and acting out of anger, formed out of a pastiche of quotes from
scientists informally summarizing their research papers.

Don't fear anger. Like all emotions, it's not under your direct control. What
you _should_ do is name it (say you're feeling angry, at least to yourself),
accept that it is ok you are feeling that way, and ask yourself what in
particular makes you so angry. Most people are pretty bad at one or more of
these steps, and venting is a way to recruit someone else to help.

One person claims he is not angry, but goes on and on about a particular point
in an angry tone. Another person knows she is angry, and immediately
disparages herself for it. Yet another person has a persistent anger around
their boss, but they do not know why and cannot seem to shake it, while the
boss is indeed behaving badly in some way that would make anyone miserable.
These people do not need any sort of admonitions against putting voice to
their feelings.

------
acabal
This is so true--I learned this long ago back when Scribophile was new.
Members would sometimes get in to fights with each other, then email me in
anger about how such-and-such person is terrible and how I was terrible for
allowing terrible things to happen on the site. When I was new to everything I
would email back, pointing out the error of their ways--often sharply, because
I had been put in a bad mood. This _never, ever_ worked. Not once. It only
made things worse.

I soon learned that often the best response is none at all. Sometimes a person
needs to vent, and by whatever chance you end up being the punching bag.
There's a 90% chance that if you don't hit 'reply' to that angry email with an
angry email of your own, that the person will forget things in the morning and
go about business as usual.

Next time you feel the overwhelming urge to write an angry email, or to put
someone in their place, make yourself wait till tomorrow to do it. You'll find
that most of the time the urge will have passed, life will go on just fine,
and you won't have made an enemy in the end.

~~~
hliyan
I was on Scribophile too. But I guess I came in after this era. Things were
very civil except for the occasional misfit.

------
InclinedPlane
What's missing here is the most important factor of all, which isn't even
directly tied to anger: the fight or flight response.

Humans have a biological reaction to certain kinds of stress which triggers
this response and the impact on the ability to interact well with other humans
is disastrous. We need to understand this, learn how to spot it, and learn how
to deal with it. When a person is in this state they are literally less
intelligent and less rational than normal, by an enormous margin. This is by
design, because the response is geared toward enabling you to survive a life
or death threat. It gives you an edge by preparing you for the worst case
scenario and encouraging you to give everything you've got. When you're
sprinting away or wrestling with a leopard or some such these things matter.
You can't afford to doubt what you're doing or to have second thoughts even
for a moment. You are much better off fighting like a feral animal or running
like a scared rabbit than intentionally deliberating what to do next, and that
affects your survival chances a lot.

But we don't live in those circumstances any more, yet getting in a heated
argument at work, online, or with a significant other still triggers those
same responses. But now they are harmful almost all of the time. This is
precisely why there is so little rationality in a heated argument, because
both sides "have their blood up", which means they are in the midst of
experiencing the fight or flight response. Their body is forcing them to be
irrational in the moment, and it just makes things worse.

Recognize when this is happening to you, recognize the ways that it's common
to trigger other people into this sort of thing (e.g. being excessively
negative, mean, and confrontational rather than professional and kind) and
adjust your communication style accordingly. Also, avoid making the mistake of
continuing a heated argument while you are under the influence of fight or
flight. Take a break, take a walk, come back to the subject later when you
have the opportunity to be rational.

Justified anger can actually have a positive effect if used well, but
irrational, seething, mindless, feral anger will just spread irrationality and
is generally unproductive or actively harmful.

I would highly recommend everyone read a book called "Crucial Conversation"
about precisely this subject and how to ensure that you not only communicate
well and rationally to others but they feel safe doing so with you.

------
hliyan
I wholeheartedly agree. I've learned this lesson the hard way, several times
over. Catharsis is frequently not a healthy way to deal with anger. In many
cases, anger is just a temporary storm in your brain that you need to let
pass. It's not sealing the spout of some Freudian kettle that will result in a
future explosion (though sometimes long-held grudges can be just that). It is
never a good idea to make any sort of decision while under the influence of
emotion. The advice I give myself: "Sleep on it. If you still want to do it
tomorrow morning, knock yourself out."

------
lwhalen
I don't even have to read the article to know I agree. Every time I've
actually hit 'send' on an angry email, or 'post' in a thread, I get a
temporary burst of self-righteousness, and... crushing regret the next
morning. Every time. You'd think id've learned by now...

------
gadders
For those that haven't read How to Win Friends and Influence People, Lincoln
used to write long letters telling his generals how incompetent they are, but
never sent them. It was his way of getting it out of his system.

Some people recommend doing this with emails as well - type but don't send. If
you do do this though, make sure you don't send the angry version of your
email by mistake: [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2951973/Is-rudest-
re...](http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2951973/Is-rudest-rejection-
letter-Jobseeker-shocked-sent-email-calling-old-aesthetically-challenged-
professional-pr-no-teeth.html)

~~~
canthonytucci
I find it best to make sure not to fill out the "to" field in emails which I
know are going to be "controversial".

An errant tab+enter in gmail can really make the day a lot more complex.

Edit: Once it's been toned down, if it still needs to be sent (usually it
doesn't), adding the recipient is the last step, and final filter that a nasty
message should pass.

Reading a fuming email to a spouse or friend before sending is also a good way
to keep them in the drafts folder and out of other people's inboxes.

------
z3t4
Just reading this thread made me angry, as I remembered every time I've been
angry.

------
tomjen3
The main thesis is probably not true, but the advice about writing the email
and not sending it is straight out of how to win friends and influence people.

------
kordless
The energy for anger comes from outside. Anger itself is an internal emotion
that helps you 'get shit done', but it has to run on that energy to function.
When I feel myself getting angry, I try focusing on being present and find an
outlet for the energy. Games are a good way to vent. :)

~~~
meric
Agreed - it's fuel to push things forward. My house gets a lot cleaner when
I'm angry.

------
cryoshon
Yeah, you can probably say the exact same thing about internet article
comments. It's pretty hard to put the breaks on the internet hate machine
specifically because there's no real connection between semi-anonymous
internet rage and loss of social status. Facebook is a different case.

Emotions tend to reinforce each other the more they're learned and practiced.

------
kristopolous
reminds me of my languished (v1) project that is the bullet-proof shoe for
people who shoot themselves in the foot:
[http://frustrometer.com/](http://frustrometer.com/)

I just couldn't get a data model with results I was happy with. I should
probably revisit it and tough it out.

------
markbnj
I'd go even further and say that, especially in management scenarios, just
don't try to resolve interpersonal conflicts or disagreements over email. It
fails far too often.

------
amelius
At least now we have a url to send back in reply to such emails ;)

------
Qantourisc
What about things that are worth being angry about ?

~~~
mikekchar
I once had a friend with which I fought almost all the time. We were
miserable, the two of us. Eventually, he just dropped me (didn't return my
calls, answer my emails, etc). I was very angry, but decided not to do
anything about it. Over time, I came to respect his decision and even be
grateful for it. I have no idea how he is doing. I tried to send him an email,
but he didn't respond ;-) I'm very much happier without him in my life. I owe
him a debt I can never repay. I hope he is similarly happy without me in his
life.

If there is something that your friends are doing that causes you a problem,
you can discuss that very reasonably without being angry. If it's something
that really, truly deserves your anger, then it is probably best not to
discuss it at all. There is no need to make everyone even worse off than they
were before. Letting go of the situation that caused the anger is the first
step in healing yourself. Don't bind yourself to it. Sometimes this means
losing a friend, but in this case, wouldn't that be a potentially good
solution?

