
How I Learned to Work a Room - orjan
http://onethingnew.com/index.php/work/433-how-i-learned-to-work-a-room-and-you-can-too
======
gk1
How to get out of a one-on-one conversation:

OPTION 1

You: "So who are you hoping to meet tonight?"

Them: "I'm hoping to meet with someone that does $x."

You: "Oh I just met Bob, who's into $x. He's over there, do you want to meet
him?"

Them: "Sure!"

You go and introduce them, then after a minute excuse yourself. They'll hardly
notice.

OPTION 2

You: "So who are you hoping to meet tonight?"

Them: "I'm hoping to meet with someone that does $x."

You: "Great! I'm looking to meet someone that does $y. Have you met anyone
here that's into that?"

Them: "Oh yeah, Steve over there works in $y!"

You: "Oh interesting. Would you introduce us?"

They go introduce you to Steve and will likely (hopefully) excuse themselves
shortly thereafter.

OPTION 3

And finally, if neither of you can make an introduction (eg, if you both just
arrived):

You: "So who are you hoping to meet tonight?"

Them: "I'm hoping to meet with someone that does $x."

You: "Great! I'm looking to meet someone that does $y. Have you met anyone
here that's into that?"

Them: "Not yet, I just got here."

You: "Me too. Let's go meet some people together. That looks like a good group
over there." (Point to group of 3+ people)

Them: "Sure!"

You walk up to the group together and make introductions. The group will
naturally split up within a few minutes and you'll be left speaking with new
people.

~~~
dctoedt
These options are better than my usual, "Well, it was very nice talking to
you," said firmly and with a smile.

~~~
gk1
Even that is better than keeping a dead-end conversation going.

~~~
typicalrunt
Oh definitely yes. Being in a conversation where one of the parties doesn't
know how to keep the topic aloft is excruciating.

If you want to see masters of keeping up a conversation, watch some comedy
improv. Their entire task is to take a topic which they don't know about
(usually specified by an audience member) and convert it into a conversation
that must be kept up by each person. Once you see enough of these improvs you
will notice that each comedian is able to inject something interesting into
each sentence that keeps the conversation going, but not too much (or too
little) that it causes the topic to die on the vine.

------
fersho311
There was a time when talking to others in a crowded room filled me with fear
to the extend that words flowed out of my mouth in ways that does not make any
sense even to myself. I spoke gibberish and if you had the misfortune of
talking to me, you would probably find an excuse to get away. I hated the idea
of going to social events. At every event, I felt that I was the stupidest
person in the room and that nobody would want to talk to me. Meeting people
seemed like a waste of time.

One day, something snapped. I figured that instead of wasting time at social
events, I might as well learn something. I reflected on my social experiences
and realized that because of my inherent fear of being looked down upon, I had
the habit of pretending to understand things that in reality I had no clue. So
I made it a point to speak a little as possible and instead focus on listening
and always ask questions if I did not understand something.

I always made it a point to be asking questions and most importantly, never
pretending to understand something I don't. Conversations usually flows like
this: What do you do? What exactly does that mean? Big data? How big? How is
big data different from normal data? ...

Gradually, I started to understand what people are actually saying. I started
to feel the wide spectrum of work that people do. I started to internalize
differing opinions within similar industries and then voicing these opinions
to others in similar fields. I started to take sides and participate in
debates. Conversations became more intelligent and social events transformed
into a heaven for intellectual stimulation.

Like reading Hacker News in the middle of the night, socializing can become
addicting. There is so much knowledge out there and every time I go out I
learn something new. If there was one lesson I learned throughout my
transformation, it would be to focus on listening and understanding others.

~~~
mcdougle
It seems you discovered for yourself what _every_ book on communication
emphasizes -- ask questions! People would rather talk about themselves than
listen to you talking about yourself, so if you just get them talking and then
listen to what they have to say (you barely have to even speak most of the
time!) not only will you learn quite a bit, the other person will usually come
away feeling like it was a very good conversation, that you were a very good
conversationalist, and will appreciate the connection with you.

~~~
VladRussian2
>ask questions!

it would be nice. Unfortunately asking questions i feel like i'm interrogating
or intruding onto somebody's else private property.

~~~
reirob
It is actually not only asking questions. It is about asking open questions,
i.e. questions that cannot be answered by yes, no, but require the person to
tell a story. At the beginning it it is even more frightening, but once you
force yourself to do this as an exercise it might change your life.

------
dctoedt
Mild introvert here. I've had better luck focusing on 'singletons,' and
catalyzing the formation of new conversation groups, instead of trying to work
into an existing duo's conversation.

A few years ago I stood alone at a big "networking breakfast." I barely knew
anyone.

It popped into my head: _Pretend you 're the host -- make 'your' guests feel
welcome._

Looking around, I spotted another singleton. Smiling, I stuck out my hand,
introduced myself, and started doing the ask-questions routine (being careful
to make it a conversation and not an interrogation).

A few minutes later, I saw another singleton coming near. I invited him into
the conversation and introduced him to the first guy. Both of them seemed glad
to have other people to talk to (and when I ran into them at later meetings,
they each remembered me). Eventually I disengaged and moved on.

I was amazed at how comfortable that felt, seeking to serve others' needs
instead of my own insecurities. I've been using that basic approach ever
since. It works every time. My young-adult kids report success with the
approach as well.

~~~
mikegriff
Nice, I like that one. I've been in that situation before, standing on my own
and seeing others standing on their own too. But I never thought of just going
up and being the person to introduce them to others.

I'll have to try that out.

~~~
etler
Be the change you wish to see in the world... Or something.

------
kordless
I'd also add that body language of a pair talking will tell you if you are
welcome to stick around and converse. If they separate slightly to accommodate
your presence and address you by looking at you when they are talking, you are
good to go. If they stay facing each other and do quick glances at you, they
are probably having a more intimate discussion which may be hard if you are
standing there listening. Body language is the key - pay attention to it.

~~~
benched
I always wonder just how well body language really correlates with intention,
in general. For example, whenever I'm standing in a pair or group, and
somebody walks over, I always consciously reorient myself to help include the
new person. But I never seem to notice other people doing the same. I think I
use my body language quite consciously, but I usually get the impression that
it is mostly unconscious for others. Yet, I can't really know this for sure.

------
KiwiCoder
I tend to introversion, and networking in a room filled with people wears me
out faster than just about anything else.

So, given that my social energy is limited, here's what I do:

* Have a concrete goal for each event, things like: small talk with 5 random people, elevator pitch to Jane, get contact details to follow up with Jim and Mo, etc.

* Step out of unproductive/negative chats asap - "excuse me, I need to make a call/ check email / catch Bob before he leaves"

* For longer events, take regular smoke breaks (even though I don't smoke)

* Leave (politely) as soon as goals are achieved or as soon as I'm worn out

~~~
kordless
Working the smoking area is much easier than working the room. Best
conversations of my life have been standing on a curb with another smoker. I
quit about a year ago, but still use the ecig.

~~~
KiwiCoder
Not sure this would be as effective if I stood around puffing on a pencil. I
don't know, I've never smoked except once when I was 11.

~~~
dnissley
There are nicotine free e-cigs that basically emit flavored water vapor. Never
tried one, but they do exist.

------
city41
This is a good technique. I also find entering the situation with a set of
personal challenges/goals helps diffuse the situation. By reframing the
situation from "holy crap I can't do this" to "ok, I've found out what two
people do for a living, one to go" lets you de-emphasize the aspects that make
you nervous and end up having more natural conversations.

Blatant plug: we are building a site that helps people get better at
situations like this and other challenging social situations.
[http://metamorf.us](http://metamorf.us)

------
basicallydan
The language here of "working on a room" is a little bit unnerving, but he's
right. If you want to meet new people and have interesting conversations, I've
had similar experiences like this which I've enjoyed.

Furthermore, interrupting a conversation at an event like the one he describes
with the question, "so what are we talking about?" after you've gotten their
attention is a good way to find something to talk about, too, which isn't just
the standard, "so what do you do?"

~~~
henrik_w
Should be "she's right" (Kimberly)

~~~
onethingnew
Thank you ;-)

~~~
basicallydan
My bad! I guess I missed the sign-off bit at the very end.

------
timje1
Everyone sucks at networking the first few times, and public speaking the
first few times, and presentations the first few times. The exact technique
you use to get over that initial bump is probably not as important as just
_trying it_ a few times..

~~~
orthecreedence
As an introvert, this is wrong. Example: everyone sucks at rocket science the
first few times. But maybe if I try one more time...

It actually _really_ helps to get pointers like these. Something like "focus
your efforts on groups of two" can give you a) a lifeline and b) something to
look forward to rather than dreading the occasion...and having that "this may
be fun" mindset can take you that much further.

I know a few introverts who just "got over it" but there are many more who can
barely keep their heads above water in social situations. I've gotten a lot
better over the years thanks to practice, but tips like these are gold to me.

~~~
eruditely
Oh please nobody said hit your head against a wall repeatedly. Deliberative
practice.

~~~
orthecreedence
Fuh fuh fuh

------
hansy
The advice about singling out pairs of people is really interesting. How does
one go about approaching them if they are in mid conversation?

Do you just lurk, wait for a brief pause, then swoop in? This seems creepy.

Do you just barge in mid-sentence? This seems rude.

Do you chime in if they something that catches your interest? This seems nosy.

~~~
onethingnew
When I got close to a pair of people, about 70% of the time one of them would
make eye contact with me, so I'd introduce myself. The other 30% of the time
they stayed intensely focused on their conversation, so I'd move on.

Just remember that everyone else at these events is there to meet other people
too. They WANT to mingle, and by introducing yourself, you're helping them do
so.

Good luck!

------
bernatfp
When I encounter myself in these sort of situations I feel uncomfortable so I
kind of empathize with the author. And it's funny because I'm working on an
iPhone app which is aimed at solving these kind of situations where you want
to start new conversations with strangers. It's called Joiner (
[http://www.joinerapp.com](http://www.joinerapp.com) ) if you want to check it
out (shameless plug).

However, I think I'm not only worried by how to approach people more easily,
but also to find good conversations. If it's already very hard to start a
conversation with a stranger, imagine finding a good topic of conversation. In
my case, on most occasions I always talk about the same thing, like what I do,
where I am from and what I have studied. Because I don't know what I have in
common with the other person I don't risk pushing other topics into the
conversation, which would be great if, for instance, I entered a room and
could instantly detect people with similar interests in technology, music or
whatever.

That's why we have created Joiner, to help removing the pain of meeting new
people and by making it more engaging.

~~~
driverdan
Why does someone have to have the same interests in you? Ask them questions
and find out why their interests are different. You can often learn more from
a person with a different perspective. Escaping the echo chamber is hard but
very rewarding.

~~~
bernatfp
90% of the time I get out of this _echo chamber_ I find myself trapped in
discussing the last episode of X TV series or Y sports match. I'm fine with
that, but sometimes I'd prefer to talk about other stuff and finding the right
people blindly can be hard.

------
schappim
The site is having some troubles. Here is a cached version:
[http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:hlQH57j...](http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:hlQH57jK_uwJ:www.onethingnew.com/index.php/work/433-how-
i-learned-to-work-a-room-and-you-can-too+&cd=1&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=au)

------
wilblack
Thanks, I'll try that top next time. I too am not one that is good at
conversing with strangers. I'm the guy that just stands there and tries to
look busy. On the other hand my CEO will have talked to everyone in the room
by the time the event is over, and he remembers their names and what they do.
I'm always amazed.

------
6d0debc071
Quoth the server: Infinite loop detected in JError

------
Derbasti
Open a website, a giant banner is shoved in my face that forces me to click a
teensy, tiny close button to be able to view the website.

Sorry, not gonna read it.

------
mooreds
My favorite technique for working the room: "So, what do you do ... for fun."

I find that talking about what people do for fun is much more interesting than
what they do for work. And if the person is interesting, it might come back
around to work anyway.

My favorite technique for exiting a conversation is the old chestnut of "I
need to refill my drink." Easy peasy.

------
stretchwithme
I find it useful to approach a group of people talking and just start actively
listening to whoever is speaking.

People often look for support from the group they are talking to. Nod in
agreement when they do. Ask an insightful question. Make it easier for them to
be the center of attention.

Soon you'll be in a conversation without having to introduce yourself first.
As soon as you are in a 1 on 1 conversation, be sure that you do introduce
yourself. It should be a lot easier by then.

------
reirob
Funny. It is actually the comments that made me finally read the article. Nice
technique. But immediately I felt sorry for all the people that come in the
room alone and do not have the courage to mingle. This technique will make
them feel even more bad.

~~~
ctruzzi
Why would it make them feel worse? Wouldn't this give individuals a new
technique for entering conversations?

~~~
reirob
I understand the article, that the technique consists in starting conversation
with a two people that speak already - so the ones that do not have a
conversation partner yet will stay alone. Or did I miss something?

~~~
eruditely
I think both of you slightly misunderstood each other. You meant the people
already in the room, he thought you said new people who entered.

------
mVChr
I avoided clicking this link at first as I was expecting to groan at the
shmoozy BS inside. I was pleasantly surprised to find a concrete technique
that I can easily remember and apply. Thanks.

~~~
onethingnew
So glad I escaped writing clickbait! And I hope it helps you.

------
noOnydus
Life isn't a computer program, lighten up jesus this thread makes me cringe...

------
senthil_rajasek
I cannot believe this article managed to get to the front page on HN.

People here must be desperate to make connections ;-)

The author/reporter tried this approach once and its a really small set of
experiments for such a bold claim.

Flagging this...

~~~
KiwiCoder
There is a point in the life of many introverts where they look at all the fun
the extroverts seem to be having and wonder if they might have some of that
kind of fun too.

