
I used to fear being a nobody, then I left social media - wellactually
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/01/opinion/quit-social-media.html
======
vonseel
I quit social media for a long time too. And then I noticed how disconnected I
was from all my old school friends and contacts. Even close family that still
uses Facebook but I otherwise don’t talk to much directly (brother’s wives
posting about their kids and stuff like that, maybe even more extended than
that).

Really, I’m starting to think that opting out of social media altogether is a
bit like opting to be a hermit in today’s society. Sure, I’m not advocating
posting every 5 minutes on Facebook and getting into dumb arguments, but it
really feels like opting out is a way of putting walls between yourself and
the rest of the world (that is on social media). You will miss out on news of
friends having kids, graduating college, going to college, getting new jobs,
and even planning events together since many events are organized officially
on Facebook - from free local concerts to your friends bachelors party. Many
people just go through Facebook and create a private event and invite their
Facebook friends when they have a birthday gathering nowadays. You will miss
out on these if you opt-out completely. I did.

~~~
fhbdukfrh
Don't conflate the medium with the quality of interaction. Not on FB !=
hermit, that's just what Facebook wants you to believe. I prefer deep personal
relationships with few over hyper connectivity. Others may want a broader,
shallower network; neither is wrong just define happiness for yourself.

~~~
celticmusic
yeah, I've never understood myspace or FB. I remember when myspace was first
blowing up, people were talking about having 100 friends, which always blew me
away. I couldn't imagine trying to keep up with that many friends.

I had a brief 1-2 year stint on FB where someone finally convinced me to get
on it, and I had 13 friends on there. All of them people I know and hang out
with regularly in real life. All I ever did was post funny things I came
across, and I eventually got pushed off during the election cycle because I
got REALLY sick of seeing all the misinformation about hilary and trump (both
sides were doing it).

I just don't understand FB.

~~~
205guy
I don't understand people who don't understand Facebook :-)

You know what a blog is, what photo-sharing is, and RSS too. You know how
people are social, a little bit vain, and like to brag. I'm sure you know
about ad-tech, data-mining, EULAs nobody reads and dark patterns. I'm sure
you've used email and chat, and you know deep down all email clients suck
anyway.

Mix it all together, put it on phones with push notifications, and boom, you
have Facebook and control half the Internet.

~~~
celticmusic
obviously I understand the business model intellectually, what I don't
understand is the draw.

Trying to keep up with 200-300 people sounds fucking exhausting to me, yet
this is the reason most people have given in response as to why they use FB.

I just have to question if these people actually do anything in life besides
socialize.

~~~
205guy
How is this not a caricature of HN readership and geeks in general? Some/most
people might even tell you that the purpose of life is to socialize--and all
the games/power plays around that.

To add more information, FB doesn't actually connect you to 200-2000 people
literally. When you think of RSS, you think of seeing every single article
that you subscribed to, but FB doesn't do that. It shows you only some of the
what others publish, and it uses its dark algorithms to make sure those are
the most engaging and addictive stories (reposts of click-bait titles,
trending gossip, politically divisive arguments, etc.). And then it pads the
feed with ads and more click-bait.

Actually the "genius" of FB is to tap into the social-reward centers of the
brain by letting you inflate the number of friends, the number of followers,
number of notifications, while still trimming down the firehose of pictures of
your second cousin's roommate's tacos. Conversely, it lets you post your food
pictures into the void and feel that others care about it, without actually
bothering too many people.

To answer your question directly, yes these people spend inordinate amount of
time doing this, but I believe they feel it is a good thing, to have a big
social circle and feel connected to all those people--without always seeing
how they were manipulated into being addicted to something that is not real
socialization.

~~~
celticmusic
I am who I am and I make no apologies for it, stereotypes be damned.

I get more value out of being useful than socializing. That's just the way I'm
built.

------
mabbo
I used to excessively post on Facebook. I started to worry that it was
unhealthy- why do I need the constant validation from strangers? What is wrong
with me psychologically that I crave that more than my own privacy? So I quit
last year and I've felt good about that choice.

Now I have 17000 HN points and I'm starting to feel like I gave up meth and
replaced it with cocaine. Maybe better, but still not good.

Going to stop posting here now too. Thanks everyone for the good times.

~~~
inscionent
I post not for points. I post because I have something to say. Expressing my
self is validating, who cares if others read or agree.

~~~
foxhop
I post for the same reason, but getting negative points does discourage me
from posting half formed thoughts.

~~~
inscionent
I do try to save the hip shots for twitter.

------
vonseel
I quit social media for a long time too. And then I noticed how disconnected I
was from all my old school friends and contacts. Even close family that still
uses Facebook but I otherwise don’t talk to much directly (brother’s wives
posting about their kids and stuff like that, maybe even more extended than
that). Really, I’m starting to think that opting out of social media
altogether is a bit like opting to be a hermit in today’s society. Sure, I’m
not advocating posting every 5 minutes on Facebook and getting into dumb
arguments, but it really feels like opting out is a way of putting walls
between yourself and the rest of the world (that is on social media). You will
miss out on news of friends having kids, graduating college, going to college,
getting new jobs, and even planning events together since many events are
organized officially on Facebook - from free local concerts to your friends
bachelors party. Many people just go through Facebook and create a private
event and invite their Facebook friends when they have a birthday gathering
nowadays. You will miss out on these if you opt-out completely. I did.

~~~
ZWoz
I felt similar, except in creater scale. There used to be forums and portals,
where people share their experiences and knowneledge. Now many forums are
almost dead, some are spam towns, some are closed. Few weeks ago was closing
party for biggest local music community website. There was heathy forum but
owners saw bigger picture and didn't want wait, until place dries up. Facebook
seems taken over all kind communication.

~~~
compiler-guy
This is the most disappointing thing about the facebook revolution to me.
Facebook is useful for a lot of things, but specific forums covering specific
community topics have mostly died out.

~~~
dharmab
Reddit kind of fills the gap for larger niches but some of the smaller niches
aren't well filled

------
mumblemumble
I think that it's going to turn out that social media is like coffee: It's
fine, even healthy, for some people, and harmful to others.

And I _would_ think that's fine, except that I fall into the latter group, and
social media has come to consume so much of the online world that it means
that I can't avoid it without excluding myself from large swathes of public
life.

I don't volunteer at my kids' school because coordination is done through
Facebook. I don't stay in touch with people I meet at events because Facebook
has thoroughly supplanted other modes of casual communication. I don't hear
about events at some of my local community spaces because they only advertise
them on Facebook. Etc.

So it's not entirely like coffee. It's like what it would be like if coffee
were healthy for some, unhealthy for others, and quasi-mandatory for all.

~~~
tvanantwerp
Speaking as someone who can't drink caffeine without a painful pins and
needles sensation (thanks levofloxacin!), I'd say the analogy works quite
well.

~~~
hestipod
Off topic but can you expound? I was "floxxed" with joint pain etc long
ago...but have never heard of the caffeine related effects. Is it all
caffeine? ie chocolate/pills too?

~~~
tvanantwerp
Coffee is really the only caffeinated thing I consume. I learned after my
(relatively mild by some stories I've read) floxxing that caffeine + flox
drugs are a bad combo, and I was very much a coffee person, so of course I
combined them. My skin has been more sensitive in general ever sense, and
attempts to drink regular coffee usually lead to that pins and needles
sensation.

On the upside, I've discovered a great decaf: Slow Motion from Counter
Culture. So hard to find high quality decaf, and I'm glad I was recommended
this one. I actually drink more coffee now than before because I've been able
to switch to decaf.

~~~
ChrisGammell
Kicking Horse is another decent decaf brand. Dark roast, Swiss (water)
process, available on Amazon.

------
92ace7830f00029
I do get the point of the author and I share it's thoughts and values, but for
me it went quite different.

I have never been a really social person. I have never had many friends. No
one really asks me ever where I have been or what I have been doing or
whatever. I used facebook to shitpost. To shitpost a lot and MAYBE get a few
likes. It worked. It worked for way too long. Then someday i literally fell on
my head, my depression got way worse and I finally started working on it.

I then realized that I had no values at all. I always felt like facebook is
bad, but i never acted accordingly. So I quit that. I thought 'yeah, maybe i
will feel better now.' and i do. I feel great. But now, I don't even have
anyone to contact and ask if there is something going on on the weekend or if
people want to go out. I don't really have anyones number either (because i
deleted A LOT of my private stuff in a furious rage). Now I am alone and I
don't know how to get out of it. Social media is no option though, I don't
want to be that attention seeking person anymore. I want to be the person i am
and find people who like me for that exact reason. I just don't know how.

End of story: Quitting social media made me a better person, but if I add
everything together i don't feel better (yet)

Woops. Went a bit offtopic, but whatever. Thanks for reading.

~~~
92ace7830f00029
Fuck, I pressed way too many times F5 on this to see if anyone replied or
upvoted. That's why I got rid of my HN account. I guess I should press logout
on this one, too.

------
namirez
Many years ago someone told me that we should care about our mental hygiene as
much as we care about the hygiene of the food that we consume.

I quit FB two years ago after 11 years of active use. For a few weeks after
deleting my account, I had these temptations to go back but after two months,
I totally forgot about it and after two years, I'm very happy about leaving
the platform.

I also realized that it wasn't just FB or social media that contributed to my
stress and anxiety; sensational and provocative news was as much to blame.
These days, I try to get my news from only a handful of news outlets that I
trust. I know this is not a perfect solution but at least, I've been able to
avoid click-bait titles.

~~~
SnowflakeOnIce
Next, take it one step further and skip going directly to any news sites or
aggregators, and cut out news TV and radio.

You cut out the news-induced anxiety this way. After a while, you also realize
that most news is noise, and doesn’t matter even a day later.

If something really significant happens, you’ll still hear about it.

~~~
namirez
I'm not sure about that. I still enjoy the long reads in the New Yorker and a
few other magazines. But if you mean the 24-hour news cycle, I agree with you.

------
hartator
These posts are so tiring.

It's usually from the same people that are super active and obnoxious on FB.
Posting every single hours of their life. And suddenly realizing they addicted
to it. _And_ they still need to post about it.

~~~
rgoldste
I didn’t quit fb but I unsubscribed from pretty much everybody. I think I’ve
posted once in the last 6 years, though occasionally I come up tagged in
friends’ pics. I think I’m better off. I occasionally miss engagements of my
friends though so this is a downside. (I’m 29). I continue to use messenger to
chat with friends, including one good friend who has a budget phone plan
(meaning fb messages are free while texting this friend isn’t for her).

I guess I’m posting this here to say that there is a middle(?) ground that
works for me. I rarely find myself envious or jealous on fb. I will confess
that I do experience these emotions in my offline life (much less frequently
than daily, more often than monthly). Come to think of it, while I spend under
20 minutes a week on LinkedIn, I feel some negative emotions while browsing
this feed. I’ve just realized I should limit my LinkedIn better.

I’m not posting this to brag, just to share another perspective because it
felt relevant.

------
b0rsuk
A surprising twist: social media invades meatspace.

I go to a board gaming club once a week. It used to be reasonably easy to find
someone to play with, but nowadays:

1\. all groups are already formed the moment the club opens (one per board
game), 2\. newcomers come in groups already decided which game they're going
to play, don't waste time looking around and play among themselves.

So you can be there on time, and that's not enough to find someone to play
with. It feels like fb/social media is a kind of lobby for board games in that
place. Wanted to go out and meet some new people over board games? Think
again. It's like those stories you might hear about bars, dating and tinder -
that nowadays even bar goers stare at their smartphones. Guess what, the same
mechanism affects not just bar goers but also nerds like me. It's like each
board game at a table is its own social media bubble(different people like
different board game(s)).

There are two ways to deal with this: a) submit to social media b) resist

I'm doing b), I bring in my copy of Spirit Island and if there's no one to
play with the game is also great solo.

------
haolez
In LinkedIn, I get the opposite feeling. It seems that a lot of people spend a
considerable amount of energy pumping their profiles with lots of
achievements, professional photos and blog posts, but it feels like everybody
is talking to themselves. Nobody cares.

~~~
Steven_Vellon
Do people actually interact with each other over LinkedIn? The only people
I've every talked to are recruiters. I thought it was just a directory of
potential employees for recruiters. If people actually do social things on
LinkedIn then that's news for me.

~~~
leviathant
After a long time in software development, I'm now a sales engineer, and
LinkedIn is a very different place when your weeks involve interactions with
C-suite and marketing types. I find LinkedIn to be pretty absurd, and I'm
never going to (or want to) compete with the people who share life-affirming
abstract business nonsense in a vertical video shot from their car, but I get
a surprising amount of interaction from my screeds about the ecommerce
ecosystem. I'm not using LinkedIn to boost my personal brand, but I do use it
to talk about the Saas ecommerce platform we sell (because a lot of people
hate Magento and find Shopify doesn't suit their needs)

A coworker has at times referred to me as a LinkedIn Shitpost Memelord,
although I don't use image macros/memes. I just share information about a very
niche corner of the internet, and it's way more effective than advertising. It
actually serves as an outlet for the kind of writing I used to do, and
sometimes still do, on forums - but instead of being about music and bands,
it's about commerce and software. It's weird, but it scratches an itch I
guess.

I do see more 'social' posts on LinkedIn, and it's pretty close to the worst
of the net. It's like YouTube comments, except you can see the people who post
them all wear suits in their photos. A surprisingly large number of people who
like & reply to self-help garbage, effusively, as though Gary Vee's latest
you-can-do-it schlock saved them from offing themselves at the water cooler
that morning.

------
cj
Facebook (et al.) has done an incredible job (for better or worse) at
_changing_ the way people in society interact with and perceive others. It
really is staggering when you think about it,.

~~~
misterprime
One giant learning experience. We're adapting. It's kinda gross, but hopefully
we'll all come out the better for it.

~~~
at-fates-hands
There was a tipping point for me when I decided that all the negative things
that come from social media far outweighed the good it does.

I have a Twitter account. I log in about once every couple of months. Nothing
changes. The cancel culture hasn't died off, it's just gotten stronger, more
pervasive and more corrosive than ever before.

This has lead me to believe we are on a downward spiral with no bottom in
site.

~~~
RandallBrown
Social media is very much what you make it.

I use facebook to keep in touch with hundreds of people that I would never
normally keep in touch with.

I use it to plan events like birthdays, bachelor parties, and vacations. I
fully believe it enriches my life.

------
GEBBL
You read enough of these ‘quitting social media’ articles over the years that
you almost know word for word how the linked article is going to go.

------
otaviokz
So, if I get this right, her addiction got so bad she needed to upgrade from
posting on social media to writing to the NYT? </irony>

------
sdan
I think with social media's goal of "connecting everyone" and "bringing
everyone together" has brought us too close.

So close that we're like a village -- blasting out clickbait and accusations
with rare repercussions and making sure we say "hi" to all our neighbors in
the village while also maintaining our "social status" within this village:
i.e. reputation.

I'm glad I took off from there a while back.

~~~
johnfactorial
Social media promised to connect people. It connected avatars instead.

People are physical. We have bodies and brains. We have thoughts and opinions.
We have friends.

Avatars are conceptual. They have representations, not bodies; "profile pics"
that are edited and changed constantly, never bearing much resemblance to the
human it claims to represent.

Avatars have agendas, not opinions or thoughts. They seek to convince you of
something. To buy, to vote, to protest, or simply that the anonymized human
behind the avatar has a life full of wonders and happiness. Agenda.

An avatar has followers, fans, not friends. Social media avatars have little
to no interest in you as a human being. Your body's eyeballs are an avatar's
currency. It wants your them to see its agenda so it can win.

A social network that brought humans together would fulfill the promise of
social media. Meetup.com might be the closest thing to that. For now, social
media does not connect people, it connects avatars--personifications of
agendas which are built, almost always, to serve its master without regard for
others.

~~~
sdan
Interesting point. At the same time, if a person legitimately has an account
(meaning it's their personal account) and decides to let everyone know of
their entire personality, it won't be "pursuing an agenda".

But realistically, this doesn't happen; unless that avatar is anonymous and
can't be linked to you. I think this is why places like Reddit and HN to some
extent are good: they allow people to freely speak, but at the same time
you're technically still being manipulated by what others think (on r/popular
for example)... which brings me to my last point:

You're a composition of years of manipulation. It just depends on who you
trust, whether it's in real life or online.

In all, I agree with your point, but giving anonymity brings people to talk
more about themselves, which hopefully is a bit better than the world that you
described is.

------
stiray
I never had facebook, irc and some forum was everything I wanted, exchange of
knowlidge and ideas. In term of "beeing nobody" I never cared. I am 42, highly
valued in technical circles. Lots of friends, paragliding, mountain biking.
Never had a car. Didnt need it. Lots of friends to go for a beer with. I use
phone, sms, email to communicate with real, physical friends. Never been
unemployed. There is just nothing "social media" can offer to me.

------
yters
It seems like much of technology is focused around narcissism. Even the
technology ecosystem, with the startups and whatnot, are sort of celebrity
technology. I'm not sure that is good or bad for actual technological
progress. Given that the fundamental philosophy, math and science this is all
based on is still considered lame, then modern technology is largely a
distraction from true progress.

------
nickstinemates
I took a year off of all of social media and took a break from startup tech in
general. I didn't miss it, at all, and I wonder what real tangible value it
still has coming back.

One thing is for certain, being plugged into the hive mind has clear
advantages, especially as it relates to employment. It's like the old adage -
it's about who you know, not necessarily what you know.

~~~
rainyMammoth
This. Left my job and traveled for almost a year.

Part of me wanted to push updates to Facebook and Instagram to get the
dopamine rush from likes. I pushed myself to not post any updates others than
calling//emailing my close friends and family and after a couple months I
didn't miss it at all. I felt like I was living for myself in the moment
without the need to publicize what I was doing.

Coming back, I still have my social media account and go there maybe once a
week. I usually come out of it a bit burned out with the feeling that
everything is fake. But overall cutting out social medias has been hugely
beneficial.

I'm convinced that Social medias are a negative to humanity and overall causes
more depression and anxiety than anything else. It must be extremely difficult
to be a teenager in high school without the mental strength to resist that
fake world of social medias nowadays

------
voidhorse
Why is this problem of “being known” so common? Does it stem from the way
you’re raised? Personally, I’ve never cared two about how well known I was or
that my accomplishments were recognized, etc. I just derive joy from the
activities I pursue in themselves, I don’t really give a hoot if anyone
acknowledges them.

I never joined social meadia because of this. I didn’t see the point. Seemed
like a boring waste of time to me when it first dawned. Sure that has
dramatically reduced the number of acquaintances I have in comparison to
others, but I feel that the relationships I do have are of very high intimacy
and quality.

Where does this need to “be somebody” come from? Has there been research on
it? Are you more likely to develop a thirst for fame if you’re given a lot of
external motivation/reinforcement as a child? If your parents focus on
appluading _you_ rather than the things you do? Not trying to be snarky here,
I am genuinely curious as someone who has always been quite indifferent to the
concept of fame.

~~~
colechristensen
You belong to a social species and come with built in drives to engage in
social behaviors like acquiring status and an interest in others social
standing.

These tendencies vary by the individual and life experience.

------
layoutIfNeeded
“My wanting to share every waking thought became eclipsed by a desire for an
increasingly rare commodity — a private life.”

She forgot the part when she wrote a New York Times piece about her life.

~~~
DHPersonal
It did offer us the chance to read thoughts that might mirror our own but in a
more succint and well-written manner. I definitely saw a lot of relatable
elements in the article and appreciate what was written.

~~~
itronitron
>> I definitely saw a lot of relatable elements in the article

That is why I think this was written in order to receive attention from others
(not necessarily the readers), but I tend toward cynicism.

------
meerita
I gave up FB and Instagram posts because my political view (conservative) and
got 2 banned and harassed by relatives and strangers. Life is way better
without FB/Insta

~~~
mindcrime
Try being a Libertarian on social media... I get hammered from the "left"
because of my "taxation is theft" and "defend the #2A at all costs" mindset,
and get hammered from the "right" because I believe in strict separation of
Church and State, don't glorify the police and military, oppose all drug laws,
am pro-choice, and oppose the death penalty. Basically, every political
conversation I get involved in is a negative experience for me, as I basically
feel like I'm always under attack and have almost no allies or friends. :-(

~~~
joeyrideout
"It was useless to argue, she thought, and to wonder about people who would
neither refute an argument nor accept it."

You have many allies, but they are doing more productive things than arguing
with senseless people on social media :)

------
cfitz
I deleted FB from my phone about 2 years ago and have not once regretted it. I
still stay in touch with my closest friends via phone, text, and the good ole'
fashioned physical meetups.

No more fake celebratory comments. No more fake photos. No more fake LIVES
portrayed by others (early on, I participated in this).

I must say that one of the best things you can do for your mental health is to
delete these social networks off your devices. I've actually gone so far as to
block all these sites network-wide via my pi-hole so nobody can mindless
scroll through content while in my home.

My quality of life has improved as a result; I can now live in the moment and
be grateful for not only where I'm at, but also where I am going (i.e.,
goal(s)) and what I will learn on the way there.

------
totaldude87
The social media problem is multi fold..

Facebook - While i need to check my friends's life events and keep a tab on
what they are up to, i dont want to see the constant tirade of posts regarding
their political views.. How ya'll are handling friends with crazy political
extremist thoughts, completely ignore those areas ? try to make them sane?

Twitter is even worse, so stopped posting all together and limited my time
only to like few tweets .

Alternative to Twitter is Reddit, which you can scroll through for few laughs
and that itself will become an addiction.

Finally, i think we need social media at the same time we dont need social
media, no amount of filtering and altering the news feed can put us in a place
of what we want to see.. So..

~~~
joeyrideout
Re: Handling "crazy political extremist thoughts" on Facebook, I tend to
either engage in a calm and reasonable reply that resembles the Socratic
Method, or simply unfollow the person. It depends on how well I know them and
how reasonable they tend to be. My best/closest friends are all reasonable
people which is why I chose them as friends, so no contradiction there.

Twitter is worse, yes.

Reddit is OK if you avoid political subreddits and keep it light. I've curated
my subs to be just that and it's delightful.

I believe that we shouldn't "need" social media (as other comments here
pointed out, an external locus of control or validation is unhealthy), but
rather we should _use_ social media. Have a purpose whenever you open the app,
even if it's just passing the time (Reddit).

------
tombert
I was a pretty avid Facebook user from ~2008-2015. I posted multiple times a
day, had about 70 well-vetted friends on there, but unfortunately I have a bad
habit of starting arguments with people that I think are espousing uninformed
opinions. By 2015, it felt like a not-insignificant part of every day was
dedicated to arguing something political, leading to me getting mad.
Eventually, I started to feel that this was unhealthy.

I deleted my facebook back in 2015; I was afraid I'd have some kind of
withdrawal, but bizarrely after about two days I sort of forgot that I had
ever even used Facebook.

------
octosphere
Recycled comment of mine from a few weeks ago here. Note: I was told NLP[0]
(Neuro Linguistic Programming) was not cast in a good light in its Wikipedia
entry, and I admit it has its weaknesses, but I was inspired by the fact Tony
Robbins used elements of it in his seminars. Certain parts of NLP appeal to
me, but some don't and can be denounced as pseudoscience/quackery.

Below is the original comment:

____________________________________________

I tend to stay away from Instagram as I once read a study (too lazy to find
the paper) that Instagram is more detrimental to mental health than other
social networks and is generally to be avoided (partly this is because you are
comparing other people's highlight reel to your boring drab life).

I use Facebook, albeit sparingly and only ever to make meaningful interactions
with my family, and nothing else. I don't feverishly 'check in' to locations,
don't engage in 'groups', don't 'like' a million-and-one things, or otherwise
engage in the Facebook app in any big way. It means Facebook can't build a
dossier of my interests, although they do know my social graph, but then: I'm
not a person of interest anyway. I am actually very forgettable.

For Twitter, I have a locked down account and only follow what I'm interested
in. I don't actively seek to get more followers, and have literally nothing in
my bio that is about me. I don't use my real name. My account is purely for
discovery of positive news, and content that stimulates me intellectually.

I recently started to experiment with Neuro Linguistic Programming[0] and a
big part of that is deciding what you pay attention to (especially online) and
feeding your brain with content that enables you to grow as a person and not
be bogged down with negative content that only appeals to your 'monkey brain'.
I haven't gone to extremes by cutting out all social media, instead I just use
it mindfully and by carefully choosing the types of content I consume.

[0] [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuro-
linguistic_programming](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuro-
linguistic_programming)

------
ibudiallo
I see a lot of people publicly quiting facebook, then quietly rejoining
because... well that one person they know only communicates via messenger.

When I finally stopped using Facebook, I didn't close the account. It's just
there. It's no longer part of what I do. At some point I realized that the
worst thing about the network is not that they do shady things, or trick you
into staying, or meddle with politics. The worst thing is the person you
gradually become.

The moment you meet someone, you check their facebook, look through their
pictures, browse their posts. When you become friends with someone, everytime
there is tension you check facebook to see if they haven't posted about it. If
it's a lover, you base the status of the relationship on their posts and
frequency of pictures. If it's an ex...

In 2015 I wrote [1]:

> On facebook, why would I give someone privacy when I have access to all this
> information. And I don't even need their permission. I can watch your
> private pictures because you made them available. It's not that I can find
> out where you work, where you live, where you eat, everything about you.
> It's that I actually do find out without ever hiring a private detective.
> It's not what I can do, it's what I do!

Facebook turns you into an insecure person.

[1]: [https://idiallo.com/blog/facebook-and-
me](https://idiallo.com/blog/facebook-and-me)

~~~
friendlybus
I mean being raised with the attitude when you see the world, the world sees
you makes the facebook thing just another venue for that same idea. There is
an acceptable level of neglect for a facebook account. Just put up a nice
photo of yourself and forget about it. Like myspace and friendster, ect. It's
not clear what the value of facebook is to a 'customer'. It's basically a
modern day newspaper, with classifieds and crossword puzzles, except your
friends are now 50% of the news headlines. I never used to read newspapers
either.

------
Medicalidiot
I feel like social media and dating apps hurt one's self image. Even for
individuals that have a serious following, there doesn't seem to be enough
validation from peers/followers to satiate their drive for happiness. I'm
curious to see how social media continues to mold society in the decades to
come where we can delineate what the long term effects of its use are.

------
cryptozeus
Is it just me who thinks social media just filled the hole that was missing in
the society ? No one forced anyone to join Facebook or twitter. People were
obsessed with other people way before social media, they just gave the
platform to existing behavior.

------
WizardAustralis
The book I recommend on this topic is '10 Arguments for deleting your social
media accounts right now' by Jaron Lanier.

[https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/37830765-ten-
arguments-f...](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/37830765-ten-arguments-
for-deleting-your-social-media-accounts-right-now)

It makes the arguments for doing so very clearly and with a good sense of
humor. Lanier, is a treasure, I always like how balanced he sees the tech
industry, it isn't all good or bad but a mingling of ideas.

------
newsgremlin
Modern problems require modern solutions.

One way to gradually lessen your facebook usage is to use this addon (chrome
version available on the chrome web store).

[https://addons.mozilla.org/en-GB/firefox/addon/news-feed-
era...](https://addons.mozilla.org/en-GB/firefox/addon/news-feed-eradicator/)

I think most people have been conditioned to keep themselves plugged in so to
speak, gradually minimizing interactions rather than going cold turkey may
prove more effective at re-framing your perspective.

------
foxhop
I love this article. Thank you for sharing. I'm on a similar journey.

------
chr1
I used to fear being a nobody, but then i came to accept that i am nobody and
i never will manage to do anything that would make my name worth putting into
physics textbooks. More than a decade spent studying physics turned out to be
somewhat helpful to an ordinary programmer.

Guess what i am trying to say is that, this is not a new problem created by
social media, but an old problem caused by most of us having to be not
special. And while eventual acceptance of it is very important, the initial
denial is even more important.

------
tw1010
Fame and success is still valued by society writ large. This is deeper than
this most recent social media layer. I also left social media but I feel just
as much pressure as before because the people who I hang around with (who
themselves are on social media, but that's not the only reason they act that
way) directly or indirectly put pressure on incentive levers which all in all
culminate in me preferring to be a "somebody" rather than a "nobody".

------
JeanMarcS
I've got around 20 "friends" on FB (mostly family, and not really posting
anymore), but subscribed to many feeds (mostly bands I like)

If they ever add RSS to their own websites, I will have no more reason to be
on FB.

Please make RSS a thing again !

On the other hand, I was reading a tweeter feed an hour ago, and I was so
disgusted by the hatred of the exchange that I told myself (again...) "Why are
you inflicting this on your sanity ?"

------
ulisesrmzroche
She forgot to quit meat, dairy, grains, booze, weed, going out, staying up
late, having sex, and so on

Also: to get a flip phone and disable JavaScript

------
Saturdays
Highly recommend reading 'The Courage to be Disliked' it may not revolve
around 'privacy' but makes you think a lot about the 'self-validation'
feedback we are trained to think we need... it helped me cement a decision to
leave social media and other things in general within my personality.

------
StanislavPetrov
It seems like an absolutely nightmarish existence to have (as the author seems
to have) your life defined by social validation. We are in for a very
miserable and mentally fragile society if the author's worldview is anyone
near the norm (or we might already be there).

------
driverdan
What happened to moderation? You can use social media without being obsessed
with it.

If you have problems with self control then take steps to deal with it. Delete
phone apps, set specific times when you use social media with limits, and if
necessary talk to a mental health professional.

~~~
COGlory
It's not a fair fight. Social media companies employ psychologists to assist
their UX designers in designing their products to be as addicting as possible.

See this interview with Adam Alter here:

[https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/podcast-420-what-
mak...](https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/podcast-420-what-makes-your-
phone-so-addictive-how-to-take-back-your-life/)

------
intopieces
“Perhaps at the root of this anxiety over being forgotten is an urgent
question of how one ought to form a legacy;”

This is an interesting question, and one that I have to admit has never been
on my radar. I don’t intend to have a legacy at all. Do others worry about
this?

------
taurath
I quit twitter about 20 days ago - the account is deleted. I do not miss it
one bit. I tend to use HN in the same way. I wish I could delete this account
as well. I suppose the best I can do is change my password.

------
Kiro
Nothing gives me more anxiety than HN. Facebook is nothing compared to the
depression I get from being constantly downvoted here simply by having an
opinion that doesn't resonate with the norm.

~~~
rvz
> Facebook is nothing compared to the depression I get from being constantly
> downvoted here simply by having an opinion that doesn't resonate with the
> norm.

Well, a particular orange website has a audience that appeals to opinions from
liberal tech folks. I couldn't care less about if they agree / disagree with
my opinions. They are free to do so, which I support.

What's worse is the censoring, shadow-banning, flagging of genuine posts or
opinions on these social networks including the orange site that really ruins
the discussion and distorts the situation.

As soon as you see that trying to please everyone + looking at everyone's
updates is an eternal race to the bottom, then social media gradually becomes
irrelevant to you.

------
paxys
The people who have successfully quit online social media aren't going to be
the ones posting and discussing it online - whether on NYT, Hacker News,
Reddit or anywhere else.

~~~
friendly_chap
It's a bit like englightment isn't it? Not in terms of rarity of course, but
the ones who reach it don't preach it about it.

------
baxtr
The latest wave I have been observing is LinkedIn. It has become an Instagram
for business idiots. I can stand the stupid, content free cheering for
bullshit.

------
JohnFen
Everybody is a somebody to someone. And everybody is a nobody to someone else.

------
notadoc
I remain convinced that social media is bad for society

------
not_a_cop75
Being the person who shouts loudest "I am somebody" on social media does not
make you somebody worth listening to. This narcissism is the key problem of
social media. Oddly enough, social media made it's big entrance via movie
stars - I could not possibly be any less surprised at this.

It would befit social media to rate someone with importance not according to a
check or star but according to actual real world accomplishment. I realize
that creates a natural bias against the underachieved, but without such
weights, anyone can say anything about anything no matter what the education
or perspective, and have it essentially equivalent to a subject matter in the
field, at least until further examination.

~~~
WhompingWindows
> Oddly enough, social media made it's big entrance via movie stars - I could
> not possibly be any less surprised at this.

Is this true? I don't recall that occurring, it seemed more like a young-
techie-people, grassroots phenomenon when people started using MySpace and FB.

~~~
wasdfff
When fan pages gave way to official profiles was a watershed moment. It showed
facebook wasnt just a teenage myspace replacement, but a commercial engine.

~~~
not_a_cop75
When user's information was leaked to third parties without proper management
or oversight, while Facebook stock continued to go through the roof, that was
another watershed moment. That was the moment people realized that Facebook is
full of crooks and enables other crooks to boot.

