
Developer Anxiety, we’re not alone - saurabh
http://geekyboy.com/archives/880
======
ColinDabritz
I haven't had the acute anxiety problems (yet), but I do feel many of the same
stresses. I'd like to thank the author for sharing, that is a very brave thing
to do.

As developers we see deeper into problems, we have a 'ground truth' of the
state of the code base that no one else can see, and often gets ignored,
because they can't see.

When requirements aren't detailed enough, people get frustrated with us
because we're asking "stupid questions" about details that they don't believe
matter, but that they would be upset about if we don't get them right.

When the code base is a mess, it's not on the restaurant floor, where
everything seems fine, it's back in the kitchen behind closed doors where they
never go. But it's hard to work in a messy kitchen, but everyone needs their
food right now! Just get out one more appetizer, one more entree, as fast as
possible, don't "waste time" cleaning up.

Some problems come from unknowns that we can't get help dealing with because
other can't see them. Some come from know problems, that we can't get
permission to address, because other can't see them. We're not hallucinating,
but from an outside perspective we might as well be. It can be tough when
others smile and nod, but you can tell by their actions that they don't really
believe you. It feels like they don't trust you. And that can hurt.

All we can do is ask for that trust and try to communicate about those
hallucinations as best as we can.

~~~
mylons
Just about a year ago, I left a startup after experiencing everything in the
article more or less and took it very hard because I was the only actual
engineer there. I never had a panic attack until about 2 weeks before moving
for a new job. It was the most horrific experience of my life. I say this as a
warning. I thought I was immune to it, or just was coping well enough that I
had it under control.

~~~
danielweber
"I'll get through it by being really smart and working really hard!"

This works for a lot of people, right up until it doesn't.

~~~
hamidr
yep. stress might cause you forgetfulness. then you might consider yourself a
non-smart guy sometimes; lots of chain reactions.

------
strictfp
Best thing I ever did to cope is that I started to deal with people instead of
trying to avoid them.

Take the discussion the first time it comes up. Speak your mind as soon as you
are given a chance. Keep repeating yourself in meetings and stick with it.
Fight for the things that you find important.

It sucks that you have to keep babbling with all these people around you in
order to avoid everything collapsing on your head, but the sooner you realise
this fact the better. And if you figure out that you are the only one at your
job who actually care about your job and the quality of the stuff you produce,
then good on you. It'll motivate you to find a better one.

~~~
carise
Great advice about facing problems head on, instead of running or avoiding. I
started doing that when my anxiety was at its worst, and I've been feeling
much better since.

I had been at the company for several years and felt like I was just wandering
-- pretty much self taught in a lot of things, for better or worse, so I
didn't understand a lot of things still. Pretty much everyone else on the team
was/is a senior engineer, and when we would have discussions, I would be quite
lost... but I was too afraid/proud to ask for help to understand. I would
always feel anxiety during meetings especially, because everyone gave input
and I had nothing to say.

I decided that instead of boiling myself in my own anxiety about not knowing
how things worked, I would go ask another engineer to help me understand.
Reaching out and asking for help (and deciding not to care what people thought
of me) helped me realize that it's "ok" (to some extent) to have imposter
syndrome.

------
jqm
"Am I doing something worth doing?" No... no you aren't. What you are doing is
going to disappear and no one will remember it nor care. Right now you are
just wasting time.... a little puff of cotton on the breeze. The human
condition is absolutely hopeless. And this is the truth.

Yet.... here you are. Open your eyes. Open your lungs and breathe. This moment
is all there is. There is no other. We can't deny it. The fact of being
conscious. The cellular joy of existing. The rest is just imagination. There.
Have a little more perspective? Ok. Good. Now go get back to work. We have
deadlines.

------
pseudoanon
I have suffered through debilitating anxiety and depression attacks (I call
them attacks because they are finite) for most of my adult life. And my
treatment, frankly, has been spotty, although clinical mental issues run in my
family.

I can remember the first time I had one at the age of 22. I was traveling home
from an internship in Silicon Valley. I'm now 40 and have been going through a
significant episode. Most of my attacks occur around major life changes, or
events I feel that I have no control over. I suspect many of us go into
technology because the machine is an environment we can control, and many of
us don't like (or can't cope with) being out of control of our environments.

My anxiety attacks have centered around:

\- Fear of economic collapse

\- Fear of personal financial collapse

\- Fear of terminal health problem

\- Fear of being alone

\- Fear of not being able to provide for family (which prevented me from
having one)

To name a few.

Wall Street maybe driven by fear and greed, but I am driven primarily by fear,
and occasionally greed. But fear in many ways has treated me well, and has
forced me to take action.

There are many situations in life where you are faced with a major decision
for which there is no right or wrong answer (marriage, moving, changing jobs,
buying a house, starting a company, etc.). Personally, and I suspect many of
us are like this, I want to know what the right answer is. I'm frustrated that
I cannot see the future. This frustration leads to a mental infinite loop
which prevents me from functioning.

I don't think I have been treated properly for my problems. There are folks
who I think have far less anxiety who get far more treatment. This might be
because I have a fear of treatment.

So yeah, you aren't alone. It definitely sucks. But also doesn't have to
prevent you from being successful, but I wish there was less stigma around it.

------
ilaksh
I think most people including the person who posted this and most posting in
the thread have misunderstood what a panic attack is. First of all, a panic
attack is not like ordinary anxiety. Getting nervous ahead of a meeting is not
a panic attack. Sure sometimes people can get extremely nervous and have a
panic attack at times like that, but people can also have a panic attack that
seems to come out of the blue. So there are different causes and variations on
panic attacks that people here seem to not be comprehending. There can be a
number of completely physical rather than mental health issues that can cause
panic attacks. Especially if you start getting panic attacks without a history
of anxiety you need to carefully rule out those physical causes before you
assume that you just need to meditate more or get CBT or something. And even
if the cause is mental or psychological there are different types of panic
attacks so CBT etc may not be effective and you or your friend may really need
medication. Anyway just because you have gotten really nervous a few times
don't assume that you understand someones condition well enough to give them
medical advice especially if its to tell them to just meditate or somrthing.

------
evanlivingston
I'm happy to see someone point out lots of the stressors that effect
developers. However I think the advice on how to handle the stressors is poor.
While many of the activities do help with the symptoms of stress, none of the
items in the list promote a real lifestyle change that would help eliminate
the cause of the stress.

Personally, I plan on transitioning out of Software development as a means of
avoiding the associated stress.

~~~
bgrohman
What are you planning on doing instead of software development?

~~~
evanlivingston
I plan on: 1) working substantially fewer hours, ideally ~20 and 2)
Woodworking.

While being self employed will introduce it's own stresses, I'm excited to
work and pursue a craft that changes much less dramatically and quickly as
software development does.

~~~
bgrohman
I'm curious what you and others think - would working in a software
development organization in a non-developer capacity (management, QA,
documentation, etc) have an effect on your stress levels?

------
gargh
I too am a developer who suffers from anxiety and panic attacks. There have
been times when I feel constantly locked in a 'fight or flight' mode.

After trying many things to relax and cut out as much stress as possible, I
finally found that trigger point therapy helps to resolve the issue. It turns
out that years of sitting at a desk causes your chest muscles to become tight
over time, and when that happens your back and shoulders work harder. Add in
stress which causes muscle tension and you end up with chronic trigger points,
also known as knots.

You can read up on it, but depending on which trigger points you have
activated they can cause a range of symptoms from pain to anxiety. If you
treat the trigger points to release them (which might take a while if you're
like me), you'll feel really good.

------
Kabacaru
This happened to me. It was related to work stuff, but also there were some
things that made it worse (I'm transgender, and I hadn't started my transition
at the time).

* It got so bad that twice I day I'd think I was having a heart attack.

* I wasn't sleeping (like not even a little bit) (I watched like all of Colombo during this time)

* Couldn't walk home without freaking out all the time (that person is staring at me, do they hate me, I don't even know them, are they following me, etc)

In the end I quit my job, and moved town, so I was lots closer to friends.
This got me about half way to being normal. Later started my transition, which
got rid of /so/ many issues, and got me more or less the rest of the way.

Looking back I wonder how I managed to live with my mind being that messed up.

A lot of people recommend getting medical help. However, just a warning, GPs
(in the UK at least) aren't all brilliant with mental health. I got medical
help for what I thought was heart attacks, and while my GP suggested it may be
stress, they never recommended a therapist. (I have since been told that if
you ask, you will get one though, I didn't really know to ask.)

The reason I wanted to post was to point out how it can creep up on you. I
certainly didn't notice becoming more and more stressed out, I felt normal. It
just felt like life was harder.

So watch out for the things you read in these posts, and be sure know that
this can happen to you too.

------
Zelphyr
This is close to my heart because its something I've dealt with since I was a
child. For 10 years I abated it with medication and that worked quite well.
Except for the side effects that caused other problems in my life (literally
wanted to sleep all the time). And anyway, the medication is just a band-aid.

Early this year a full-on panic attack hit me. The first time in 10 years. A
recent divorce and changing jobs were probably the stressors. And ironically I
was actually in a very happy place in my life. The divorce had been done with
for several months and I was at a job where I can really have an impact and
don't feel like I needed to look over my shoulder constantly. My boss's
incredible understanding during this difficult time for me is testament to
that.

But the panic doesn't much care about those things. It has a sneaky ability to
strike when you least expect it.

Thankfully I found a great doctor whose therapy is evidence based. If you
suffer from panic/anxiety and seek treatment (which I HIGHLY suggest you do!)
then be sure they're trained in an evidence based technique. I also recommend
reading "Hope And Help For Your Nerves" or listening to "Pass Through Panic"
by Claire Weekes.

What I've learned in the months since is that in order to overcome the panic
and anxiety you have to do something very simple yet seemingly incredibly
difficult; you have to let it happen. Let the panic wash over you. Don't run.
Don't distract yourself. Close your eyes and focus on breathing from your
belly--deep breaths from the belly rather than shallow breaths from the chest.
And then pay attention to where the panic is and what it feels like. Just
observe whats happening and let it happen.

You have an upper-boundary to how bad it can get because your body can only
produce so much adrenaline. So let it. It'll spend itself out and calm down
automatically. The more you let it happen the faster you'll calm down because
you're reworking those neural pathways. Literally retraining your brain that
no, in fact, you're not being attacked by a lion. You might feel like you just
got hit by a car afterwards and, interestingly, to your body its the same
thing, but the significant bit here is _you 're not going to die!_. _You 're
not going to go crazy[1]!_. You're going to be ok.

This time it might be a 10 on a scale of 1-10 but the next time, as long as
you let it happen, it'll probably be an 8/9\. Then the next time maybe a 5/6\.
And on and on until pretty soon it'll happen and you'll say, "Oh, hello old
friend. Shall we do some work?"

[1]: "Going crazy" as a loose term for something like schizophrenia which the
science is showing you will have a genetic predisposition towards. If you
don't have a direct blood family member who suffers from it then you probably
don't have it either.

EDIT: For clarification; I had stopped taking the medication a little over a
year prior that first-in-10-years panic attack.

~~~
jt2190

      > What I've learned in the months since is that in order 
      > to overcome the panic and anxiety you have to do 
      > something very simple yet seemingly incredibly 
      > difficult; you have to let it happen.
    

I believe you're referring to some form of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy:
[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy#An...](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy#Anxiety_disorders)

~~~
goldfeld
So is that a name doctors, after much painstaking research, slapped on top of
what has been known for millenia as meditation? Because that's exactly
describing something like vipassana, or mindfulness meditation. Sometimes it's
funny to watch the west's child-prodigy "scientific method" take so long to
come around full circle at age-old wisdom, in this case something that's
probably been known from before Civilization.

~~~
skunkworks
Yes, but no one talks about the 99 other snake-oil, age-old wisdoms that the
scientific method debunked :)

~~~
pjscott
Well, some people still do. Examples include homeopathy, intercessory prayer,
and those guys who make YouTube videos of themselves chanting at you to cure
diseases somehow.

(Caveat: I _assume_ those chanting videos are part of an age-old tradition,
because the people in them say so, but they may not be the most reliable
source of information.)

------
h1karu
This is why "work remote" jobs are so fantastic if you can get them. You don't
have to worry as much about politics. In an office environment you have to
worry about if you're getting along well enough with people on a personal
level and this nebulous "I enjoy working with him or not" factor might make or
break your career. At an office job you need to put in hard work to "become
friends" with everyone otherwise some people will bear a grudge. Sometimes
this is not easy depending on the situation. There are too many "social
factors" in office jobs which can make or break you and that have nothing at
all to do with your ability to "get shit done". Not so with remote working.
All that matters is your ability to be productive.

[https://37signals.com/remote/](https://37signals.com/remote/)
weworkremote.com

~~~
spacemanmatt
I recently left a position which provided an office in town for the several of
us here, but in practice allowed up to 100% remote work, since the rest of the
company was 900 miles away.

There were just as many opportunities for personality conflicts with that
arrangement. I joined a company with a better-aligned corporate culture and an
expectation to be in the office every day because I decided they are
healthier. I mention that, because it was the people, not the policy, that
made the first gig ultimately unsustainable.

~~~
h1karu
You're right. If you've done open source work you know that of course there's
a huge amount of space for personality conflicts to arise even when working
remotely, but at least those personality conflicts are usually centered around
differing views about the project vision or how best to implement it and not
based around office politics having to do with who's dating who, who's
drinking buddies with who, offline politics having to do with the developer's
wives being friends and then no longer being friends (see github drama), etc
etc.

I think that going to the office every day jobs are definitely healthier than
sitting alone in front of your keyboard with no social contact at all slaving
away on a codebase. You need a social life I'm just advising that for me it's
nice to keep that social life _completely decoupled_ from my financial
situation, and that is really hard to do in a normal office environment.

~~~
h1karu
Here's an example from the viewpoint of someone doing the hiring. Lets assume
your goal is to hire the top 5% of technology X programmers in America.

The first 5 people you hire are all early to mid 30s white guys who go out
drinking together, get together to play paintball every few weeks, etc. Then
the 6th person you need to hire is a Bangladeshi woman aged 42 who doesn't
drink at all and of course doesn't play paintball. Well it's not a big deal at
all, the team welcomes her, is very professional around her, recognizes the
difference in culture and age so they don't give her a hard time for not
participating in the drinking and paintball culture. So far no problems..

The 7th hire is another white guy, aged 31, but the difference is that this
7th hire also doesn't want to drink socially or play paintball. Unlike the
Bangladeshi woman he has no convenient excuse to not want to do those things,
so therefor even if he's very friendly, professional, and competent on the job
he is ultimately labeled as "distant" by the other coworkers his age, and over
time the rest of the team will grow to resent him for not "trying harder" to
become friends outside of the office. People will assume that he thinks he's
"too good for us", but those same people will not make such assumptions about
the attitude of the Bangladeshi woman.

The Bangladeshi woman's choice to not try to become close personal friends
with her coworkers is well respected and is not a problem at all, she is given
all the space she could ever want socially and is only judged based on her
contributions to the company. The young white guy on the other hand is held to
a different set of standards, for him to not actively try to become personal
friends (outside of work hours) is something that could cause him to be
perceived as not a good cultural fit and possibly cost him his job in the long
run all due to a hidden expectation linked to his skin color and age.

This is the kind of drama that can crop up in a real office which just
completely disappears once a company "goes remote".

------
ciokan
Had a few panic attacks 2 years ago in the summer. I was working too much (I
still do) as an entrepreneur, drinking too much coffee without drinking enough
water (coffee tends to dehydrate your body) and my blood too thick from that
so it came to me as a sort of dizziness which transformed into a full blown
panic attack and an ambulance shortly after that.

I refused pills from day one and found that, by training my mind to say "bring
it on! is this the best you can do" tends to stop the anxiety on it's
ascension. I go to gym 3 times a week now to to some actual exercise and calm
the body a bit. I now am panic free for almost 2 years but I still have the
symptoms. What changed is my attitude when the symptoms arrive, it's already
in my subconscious and my body does it automatically.

I blame our jobs just like OP and I blame the fact that our job is a whole
brainstorm from start to finish. No physical challenge at all and our bodies
are not used to it. Our bodies need some physical activity to do it's
chemistry and release new stuff periodically so we can function properly
otherwise some glands get messed up (this is my own conclusion I didn't hear
it from anywhere) so our bodies get unbalanced and stressed. Too much of
something is called an addiction and no addiction is left unpunished. We
really need to take a break from time to time and just work out or meditate a
bit for our body to adjust or at least recover.

No past generation was so technical and multi tasked and so stressed from
morning till dawn. We're probably at the border of evolution right now and
nature is adjusting us/itself. Future generations will probably deal with this
entirely different than us but our bodies are like an old motherboard with a
super chip plugged in right now. It's getting burnt. We need some better
cooling.

The worst thing about panic attacks is that you have nobody to talk to that
can really understand what you're going through apart from others who had it.
You can't explain it to someone who didn't because you can even see them
smiling..."so...basically you're afraid huh?". They can't comprehend the
feeling that you're going to die, right now; that you're probably so certain
you're going to die that you probably even said your last words and good byes
in your mind. Just don't complain to people any more because you will get a
new addiction out of it.

Tl;DR: Do sports (swimming is good), less work (you van find yourself even
more productive because productivity has few to do with how much we work),
confront your demon when he comes to visit and don't try to explain to people
who never dealt with such a thing...they might make things worse.

------
twfarland
I've struggled with this for years. Burned out 3 times. I've done CBT,
meditation, and tried various medications. I've quit drinking, I eat well, and
exercise often. These all helped a bit, but I was still panicky. Nothing
helped more than deciding to spend less time sitting manipulating symbols on a
screen and more time moving my body, more time in nature, more time with
people. I've also resolved to stay away from toxic jobs, no matter how well
they pay.

~~~
specialist
Have you had your cortisol levels tested?

------
kirse
_I don’t really have the answers, nobody does. But felt I should create this
post and put it out there. Perhaps others will read it and realize they’re not
alone. And sometimes just knowing that can help lessen the stress levels._

Sorry, just because he personally doesn't have an answer does not mean
everyone else does not.

This will likely be unpopular here, but I used to struggle plenty with anxiety
and occasional panic attacks until I learned it was better to pray about these
things daily (or even as they come) and intimately discuss and honestly trust
these burdens to God. ("Cast all your cares on him, for he cares for you...")

All that advice merely snips at the branches of fear/anxiety without uprooting
the tree. That's not to say all fear/anxiety will be uprooted, but simply that
knowing and experiencing the love of God daily has continued to weed out
_many_ of those fear-based anxious roots and replace them with saplings of
peace, joy, and confidence.

Anxiety tends to wear one down and make one feel hopeless ("there is no
answer"), but there is indeed an Answer who works through us in time, and can
lead us to still waters if we ask Him to show us the way. Life won't always
_feel_ perfect or anxiety-free, but at least I know to whom I can confidently
entrust my troubles.

~~~
jqm
I'm guessing prayer probably does help if done properly.

And I'm an atheist. Chew on that for a bit.

~~~
arh68
Prayer probably does help, even if there is no God. Just assume that it does
work. After all, if it helps a believer to pray, and you can acknowledge that
there was nobody else in the room while they were praying, you've got to
wonder: how does it work? The only person it could possibly have an influence
on is _the person praying_. And since the activity of prayer requires a focus
of some sort, I think the real audience of the prayer is the subconscious.

After all, if you trust yourself to do something, if you trust your
subconscious, shouldn't you be able to _tell it_ just once what it needs to
do, then not worry about it?

Anyhow that's what I was thinking a couple days ago.

------
tom_jones
Thanks, this was an interesting read and one I can identify with.

I think developers, anyone who writes software that really matters, are
particularly susceptible. I’m not talking about someone who codes a pretty
website for a small company, I’m talking about people working on core systems
that people RELY on for things like accessing their money, security systems,
and engine control systems in their car. These are the projects that will keep
you up at night worrying about whether you left any bugs in the code.

The rub is that the general public have NO idea how thin the line is that
these developers walk. If they do their job properly, thoroughly, then the
product costs too much and nobody buys it. Or it misses time to market and the
company slips behind its competitors.

The majority of code is pushed out in barely working state. That’s why we hear
of problems like cars that suddenly stop on a freeway. If developers were
given more time to finish their work, higher quality of code was prized over
speed of development, then a whole industry would be less stressed and society
would benefit as a whole. But everyone just wants the newest gadget faster and
faster, and we are not patient.

------
benmarks
Huge thanks to EngineYard for their prompt initiative and sponsorship of a
mental health summit at php[tek]. Four of us spoke to the entire conference on
anxiety and depression. Also, thanks to Ed Finkler (@funkatron) for getting
this conversation going in the tech community.

[http://prompt.engineyard.com/](http://prompt.engineyard.com/)

~~~
jasonlotito
I just want to thank you guys again. It meant a lot.

------
AlexUseche
The author mentioned in the article (as one of his recommendations to his
friend) that it may be helpful to read a non-technical book (among other
things of course). One book that I have found very instrumental in helping me
cope with stress and anxiety is "The Mind and the Brain" by Jeffrey M.
Schwartz and Sharon Begley. The reasons why are very specific I think:

1) Its vocabulary appeals to those who like me appreciate science. 2) It
tackles concepts that are common in zen and Buddhism but with solid, perhaps
even more grounded, explanations. 3) It helps the analytical minded to
understand that there is a separation between what the brain experiences and
the self. This can help others in understanding through logic and reasoning
how to take control of stress and anxiety.

Just though I would share in case anyone needing help with anxiety wants to
read something new and helpful.

------
ccallebs
This hit home, I'm going through this right now. Work issues coupled with
recently getting married, changing cities, and miscellaneous family problems
makes every conflict or obstacle seem much larger than it is.

To stay zen, I frequently remind myself that everything is a lot better (and a
lot worse) than it appears.

------
ZhL
I was surprised how much the article resonated with my personal experience. I
too had anxiety attacks and ER visit fearing it was a heart disease. Many (too
many) doctor visits later, here is what works the best for me: \- Exercise.
Can not stress this enough. I swim 3 times a week for about 45 minutes each.
It loosens my body and significantly elevates anxiety. Strength exercise helps
too. \- Healthy diet. Minimum sugar, alcohol, caffein, processed foods. \-
Lunch walks, weekend hikes. \- Standing desk. Don't have enough data yet but I
think it was helpful overall. As someone mentioned below, I believe too that
body tensions and pains have a lot to do with sitting too much. \- Enough
sleep.

------
geekam
There should be a poll somewhere for programmers asking the top 3 things that
give them anxiety.

~~~
angersock
Sure, I'll bite.

    
    
      1. Am I doing something that's worth doing?
    
      2. Am I having to deliberately build the wrong thing (legacy reasons, etc.)?
    
      3. Do I have the power to fix things?
    

I think that part of the acuity of the problem is that we don't really get to
lie to ourselves about what we do. The computer doesn't care about any white
lies--so, if we want it to do X, Y, or Z, we program that. And if we are told
that the product we're working on does W, or !X, well, that's clearly wrong.
That in turn leads to dissonance, and that gets at you over time.

Part of the problem with 2 is that there is usually a sound business reason
(i.e., customer wants it that way) which forces our hand. Part of the problem
with 3 is that it can take enormous effort, resolve, and ultimately conflict
to get at the root of what's broken and fix it--and in some cases, such as
launching a new product, you can do everything _technically_ correct and still
fail.

~~~
logfromblammo
I'm just going to go ahead and pick exactly the same three things.

Of course, if you have the same three worries, your real major worry should be
whether you can get a better job before you burn out. And that leads to a
corollary worry about whether companies that try to provide a healthy, sane
work environment have a competitive disadvantage versus companies that are
dysfunctional. And that makes me worry about whether I even want to live on
this planet any more.

So I guess my 3 are these:

1\. Is this as good as it gets?

2\. Can anything that's better endure?

3\. Would starting over somewhere else improve anything?

~~~
penguindev
I hope you find some reason to live on this planet [does not have to be your
day job].

I also thought about your 'dysfunctional == competitive advantage' question. I
watched an hour long talk by John Wooden [it's on netflix streaming] about his
success pyramid. It seemed quite sane, and obviously he was quite successful.
So no, I don't think dysfunctional companies would have an advantage. (They
might be equal, though).

The economics of software certainly are a bitch (can copy for free, obsolete
upon release), although SAAS certainly changes things. And speaking of
economics, this may cheer you up or depress you more:
[http://knowmore.washingtonpost.com/2014/02/10/the-long-
agoni...](http://knowmore.washingtonpost.com/2014/02/10/the-long-agonizing-
decline-of-the-u-s-economy-in-one-chart/)

That's median income for _men_ in the USA. Not because I'm sexist, but because
posting household income is quite misleading - why do you think government
economists use it all the time.

~~~
logfromblammo
That just looks like a very sound argument for all the reasons I currently
have for living on this planet to strive for escape velocity at about the same
time as I do. I am very thankful for exoplanet-searching astronomers, various
open source robotics projects, and for the decreasing cost of payload to low
orbit, but so far I don't have quite enough billions of dollars it would
currently cost to make a break for it.

I must admit that I am somewhat curious to see how the IRS deals with
planetary emigrants. If you live on Mars, is breathable air considered income?

------
dinkumthinkum
Honestly, there are a myriad of ways to try to deal with this but I think for
many of the things listed, I think you should probably stop caring so much.
Having full on anxiety about drawing a paycheck but feeling you don't deserve
it or something, just relax and think about yourself more than the morality of
this. As far as bad code and needing to do a rewrite and your company not
wanting to let you, at some point, if it is not your company, either look for
a new position or stop caring about it so much, getting upset about it won't
do you any good and if the executives in the company don't care that the code
bad, maybe you shouldn't either.

------
good-citizen
for years I tried to add various chemicals to my body to find a solution. it
seemed obvious that I just needed to get the right drug at the right doseage
and that would solve the problem. but the solution was exactly in the opposite
direction. I didn't need to ADD things into my body to fix my brain, I needed
to PREVENT certain things from entering my blood stream. diet is everything.
food is medicine. food is so messed up in our society. to eat a healthy diet
that will actually allow your brain to work and not get panic attacks requires
EXTREME dedication and will power. AND on top of all that, you need to be
social with your friends, family and co-workers and not make your special diet
ruin the fun. Super challenging, but as I get older I find it's easier and
easier to really carefully monitor each and every bit of food I put into my
mouth. I won't bore you with the details but you probably already know, too
much sugar, too many carbs, these things matter, a lot. Stop trying to fix big
problems with band-aids when you've got to get to the source of the poison in
your blood stream.

------
cwbrandsma
I finally worked my way out of this recently. It comes and goes, often when I
am very productive. Combinations of constant negative criticism,
vague+ambiguous requirements, and argumentative coworkers (seriously, they
would argue about the order of words, or who was actually AGREEING with whom).
I went from sleeping 8 hours every night to getting 2 hours most nights, then
10.

------
specialist
I didn't realize I had problems with anxiety. I just thought it was insomnia,
fear of death, normal over thinking stuff, recurring existential crisis.

I got my cortisol levels tested a few times. It was all out of whack. I did
some stuff to calibrate it.

Now I'm ridiculously relaxed, easy going, more able to let go of bad thoughts,
cheerful, etc.

I have no idea how or why this worked. But I like it.

~~~
pieterhg
What did you do exactly to calibrate it? Exercise? Food?

~~~
specialist
I take one Cortisol Manager (and 3mg of melatonin) roughly 3 hours before bed
time each night.

[http://www.integrativepro.com/Products/Stress-Sleep-
Manageme...](http://www.integrativepro.com/Products/Stress-Sleep-
Management/Cortisol-Manager)

After a few months, I had my cortisol levels retested and it's now "normal",
peaking in the morning instead of at night.

[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cortisol#Patterns](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cortisol#Patterns)

I went without for a week, just to see before v after. Seems to help.

------
chris_wot
I think I exist under a constant background level of anxiety. It's
distracting, off-putting, disturbing when it reaches a peak, and I have only
recently found that by watching Star Trek videos online (escaping) that it
goes away for these periods.

------
donniezazen
This has been a consistent topic on HN. I wonder if folks who suffer from
anxiety have tried meditation as a cure. I highly recommend some stuff from
www.osho.com .

------
linklet
I was reading some veteran sucide report, which immediately reminds me about
this post.

Programmers are like soldiers, fighting in the battle we didn't choose.

------
eng_monkey
Which university can you get an engineering degree in PHP from?

------
tootsweets
I've created an account just to upvote you

------
pw
This is poorly written and doesn't really have a point. How did it make it to
the frontpage of HN?

~~~
hamidr
It made it there cause so many people like me have the same issues.

