
Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life? - kia
Inspired by this comment:<p>http://stackoverflow.com/questions/448613/whats-happening-with-arc/586632#586632<p>So does having a baby give you inspiration and ability to do more?<p>Or maybe you change your life's priorities?<p>Or you are so exhausted that everything else seems uninteresting?<p>How does having a baby change your life?
======
drblast
Living with one child is like living with a demanding, but mostly reasonable,
roommate who really likes spending time with you until she goes to bed early.

Having two or more children is like living in a circus where all the
performers are deaf.

~~~
victorj
So true! I'm parent to a couple of twins (2.5yo) and the selective deafness is
what really puts me down

~~~
petervandijck
I've found that you need to get down to their level and look them in the eyes
to get around that. (Supernanny tip, works!)

~~~
wiredfool
No two kids are alike. And, things that work for nannys don't always work for
parents.

~~~
SeyelentEco
Hell, things that work for one PARENT, don't work for another. My daughter
acts awesome with me even when I take care of her all day for weeks, but she's
a complete terror around my wife.

------
Vivtek
Oh, where to start?

Having a baby entirely _eliminates_ your life and replaces it with a different
one. And you can't undo it. You _cannot_ spend all your time on a project now
- you _have_ to change your priorities. This is not an option, and
unfortunately it's not something that happens magically by itself, either.
Like maintaining a marriage, it's something you choose to do because not to do
so is unthinkable.

The payoff will come a decade from now - or two, and it will consist of
knowing (1) you made a good human being, and (2) you yourself are so much more
mature and focused that the rest of your life will go much better. Just as
long as you choose to have the right outcome - because #2 can also consist of
your being a broken, bitter person who feels they trashed their life.

There is _nothing_ like parenting. It's the headiest mixture of ebullient joy
and sheer terror that's ever existed. My kids are 16 and 11, they're both
smarter and more capable than all the rest of humanity combined, and all in
all I think we've succeeded - but it hasn't been at all easy.

Would I undo it, given a time machine? No. I was a callow idiot until I had
kids. Now I'm a more seasoned idiot, but I have a lot more gumption to do
something that might fail. Because having kids guarantees one thing - you're
going to fail. At lots of different things. And then you're going to keep
right on going, past the failure, and make the best of things, because you
have no choice at all.

Ultimately, it hardens you to risk. I have to recommend it.

~~~
lotharbot
> _"Having a baby entirely eliminates your life and replaces it with a
> different one."_

A good illustration of that:

People you've called "mom" and "dad" your whole life now become "grandma" and
"grandpa". Your spouse becomes "mama" or "dada". Having a kid changes the way
you relate to _everybody else in your life_. It shifts your focus from how
someone relates to you to how they relate to your kid.

Similarly, every decision you make is now evaluated in terms of the effects
it'll have on your kid, often before you even bother to evaluate how it
affects you.

~~~
Vivtek
Oh yeah - and a couple of years from now at day care, you're now "Vivienne's
dad". You probably also have a name, but ... nobody knows it. Ha.

------
arn
Having a baby changes everything. And it's weird how you can't even imagine it
ahead of time.

To answer some of your questions:

\- Your ability to produce will go down drastically \- Your priorities will
change. \- You will be more tired, and your time will be at a premium.

I think the time issue is the main one. Especially for those reading this. I
feel like a lot of hackers like sitting down for hours during your free time
to do stuff - personal projects, items of interest, startups. Your free time
really disappears with children (at least at early ages).

Not to say it's not rewarding in itself. It's just that it's like being in a
cult. You can't understand until you're in it, and you can't imagine things
any other way.

~~~
Yaggo
So true. Before my kid was born (now 1½ years old), I optimistically thought
I'll be able to work at home while baby caring, which turned out to be very
naïve idea. It may work with a newborn, but definitely doesn't with a toddler.

~~~
Tyrannosaurs
In the UK if you apply to your company to work from home it will certainly be
dependent on you having separate childcare arrangements.

You're absolutely right though.

My daughter is 16 months old. On a day when I'm looking after her on my own I
might get one 45 - 90 minute chunk during the day where I could do something
approximating to work (when she sleeps - though you've probably got clearing
up, catching your breath and other things in there depending on the mood
they've been in).

Other than that you might be able to read and reply to the odd e-mail, check
the odd thing or make a quick call or two (so long as you're happy with the
possibility of a child shouting in the background) but nothing that could be
classified as productive - certainly don't even think about coding being
something that might happen.

That all runs from 7am to 7pm. Once they've gone to bed you have to eat, clear
up and get ready for the next day before you start thinking about what you
want to do. On a good day where they're behaving you can clear up as you go
and you're set by 7.30pm, have eaten by 8pm and you're good to go.

On a bad day you've eaten by 9pm and you're dead on your feet. Looking after
young kids is full time and I will never question what stay at home mothers do
with their day again.

Still wouldn't change it though - I miss having time to do the things I used
to do but I'd miss her far more.

------
ericb
I have 2 kids under 2. The first one was a shock in terms of the amount of
work and sleep deprivation involved. The second wasn't as much of a shock just
because we new what to expect. I'm not going to sugar coat this--it more or
less destroyed my productivity for quite a while (1st 9 months per child) and
this is because of lost sleep, mostly. My children are not great sleepers.
Also, my first child had some medical issues that we had to deal with that
tied us up at first. I don't see my friends as much, and they are still in the
single life which puts some distance between us.

The effect that having this amount, and type, of love in my life was not
something I could have understood before I did it. It is truly wonderful, and
awesome. As someone who sometimes found the love and loyalty of friends to be
less than I would hope, having kids who love me this much is stunning.

Granted, not every dad is as attached as I am, or as involved, so ymmv. Having
kids is one of those decisions that I think is hard to make in the sense of,
you really don't know how you'll feel when you do it, and your imagination of
what it is like is not representative of how you really feel once you have
them.

~~~
igravious
As the father of a daughter of six-years-old, I know where you are coming
from. The sleep deprivation, the feeling for the first time in your life that
you would gladly give up your own life if it meant saving (God forgive me for
saying it) the life of your child.

Even though I've read The Selfish Gene by Dawkins and I know it is all
biological evolutionary programming the feelings that are triggered after the
birth of your kid are very difficult to put into words.

It also made me realise why my parents made some of the choices they made in
their lives. And parenthetically - not saying I agree with them but I didn't
have the requisite empathy back then and having a kid gave that to me I think.

~~~
Vivtek
Yeah. Both of our kids had (still have) uncurable diseases. (One kidney, one
Crohn's.) For five years we did nothing but health maintenance - and by God we
succeeded in restoring their health. But you just don't have the option of
saying, "No, this is too hard, I'm quitting now." Because by doing that,
you're dooming _your child_ \- a person who depends on you completely.

This meant that my wife, for example, took five years out of her career after
getting her PhD in theoretical physics. She's just now getting reestablished,
and that isn't an insignificant part of one's life.

But ... you have no choice. So you man up and do it. Along the way, you think
back to the older people you've known in your life - your parents,
grandparents, uncles and aunts - and you suddenly realize why they were the
way they were.

------
leftnode
I have a little boy who just turned 7 months old yesterday. I spent a good
part of the night in the emergency room because he had uncontrolled vomiting.

It's definitely a trip, but I love it. Starting a business around it is hard.
I applied to YC, but I'm fairly confident I won't get in because I can't live
in California for 3 months.

Contrary to what some other people on here have said, I've actually found more
time to work on side projects and my startup. If my son wakes up at 330 and
wants food, I'll just stay up then and I have a good 3 hours of uninterrupted
work time (he'll usually go back to sleep after the bottle).

Having a little boy motivates me _much_ more than not having one. I want to
build a successful company that makes me independently wealthy so at some
point, I can spend my time with him and the rest of my family.

I also enjoy being young and having a son (I'm 26). I'll be 43 when he goes to
college, which means I'll be young enough I could do another startup then.

~~~
mreid
> Having a little boy motivates me much more than not having one. I want to
> build a successful company that makes me independently wealthy so at some
> point, I can spend my time with him and the rest of my family.

That's an admirable goal but don't sacrifice too much of your time with the
family now chasing after the dream of time with your family later.

~~~
leftnode
Well, that's another reason for wanting my own company: I'm my own boss. I no
longer have to get PTO approved, and report to a boss. If I want to play hooky
for a day and spend time with him, I can easily do that if I'm independent;
not so much if I have a 9-5.

------
RyanMcGreal
There's a two- or three-week period, usually around the six month mark, when
your baby can sit up unaided but can't yet crawl. During this time, you can
put the baby down on an activity blanket (supervised, obviously) and enjoy
maybe five or ten minute contiguous stretches of uninterrupted time to do
stuff.

Note: activities like _preparing a meal_ and _straightening up the place_ tend
to take priority over _developing a startup_.

A few suggestions to help make things easier for you:

* "Attachment parenting" early on pays off hugely in more independent, more emotionally secure children later. Invest in a Trekker [1], Snugli [2] or other baby harness that lets you carry the baby facing inwards or outwards and frees up your arms to do other stuff.

* Seriously consider having the baby sleep in your bed with you, especially if you/your spouse are breastfeeding.

* Seriously consider breastfeeding. Once established (usually takes a few weeks to get really comfortable with it), it's so much healthier, easier and more convenient than bottle feeding that I can't understand why anyone who has the option wouldn't take it. (Disclosure: I'm male, but my spouse agrees 100%.)

* Accept and embrace the fact that from now on, all your plans are contingent. Learn to build big buffers around all your scheduled activities. Get in the habit of keeping a utility bag with you at all times.

* Don't waste your money on a change table. You will change that baby's diaper wherever you need to do it. (We've changed our baby's diaper in the trunk of our car.)

* Don't forget that you and your spouse had reasons to be together before the baby was born. As soon as the baby is old enough, get back into the habit of going on dates and otherwise spending time together. Don't miss opportunities to let your spouse know how much you cherish them. A little act of kindness at a crucial moment can radically transform your family dynamics for the better.

I'm sure I'll think of more, but that seems to be a good place to start. As
always in anything to do with children, YMMV.

[1] <http://www.babytrekker.com/>

[2] <http://www.evenflo.com/category.aspx?id=23>

~~~
lordmatty
* Seriously consider having the baby sleep in your bed with you, especially if you/your spouse are breastfeeding.

In my experience this leads to drastically less sleep. You disturb your baby
and your baby disturbs you. We put the baby in another room and invested in a
baby alarm.

* Seriously consider breastfeeding.

Yes, but don't pressure yourself too much...the most important thing is that
the baby eats properly. Bottle feeding gives you the critical advantage of
being able to measure how much the baby eats.

* Don't waste your money on a change table.

I would say invest! After a week or so of leaning over to change our baby it
really affected me sitting at the computer to code. Bad back means bad news
for your startup.

~~~
davetufts
Why is it a "critical advantage" to measure how much the baby eats? Babies
need to eat when they're hungry and they stop when their stomach is full.

~~~
tyweir
I was going to ask the same question. Not once have a thought "my daughter is
eating _too_ much."

Politics, nutrition and parenting are all conversations I attempt to avoid,
and this combines 2 of 3 topics. :/

~~~
recoil
With breast-feeding my wife wasn't worried about "too much", rather "not
enough": it wasn't clear to her exactly how much our daughter was getting.

That said, it was pretty obvious that she was getting enough, it was just
mildly uncomfortable not knowing _how_ much.

------
stusmith1977
New father, with 8-month-old son:

\- The first three months just have to be got through. Think of it as a
survival test. Lack of sleep, complete change of family dynamics, no sex, no
relaxation.

\- You might well find yourself resenting the baby. No-one admits to it
though. Everyone says "it's magical" and "you love them unconditionally".
There are nights when that won't be the case. You and your partner just have
to help each other, and don't be afraid to say to them "I just need a couple
of hours away from the baby". Obviously you have to do the same for them.

\- After three months generally any collicky issues settle down, and they
start smiling and really recognizing you. Now it gets good!

\- Routine (in my opinion) is everything. We used a modified Gina Ford routine
and he was sleeping 7pm - 8am every night by 5/6 months. I'm tired in the
evenings but only in the usual way - no more exhaustion.

\- It's unbelievable how much you care for them. When you hear their pain cry
(the staccato one; not just the usual crying) you drop everything and run to
them.

\- The biggest change/loss at this stage is the loss of intimacy (and I don't
necessarily mean in bed) with my wife. Little things like "shall we go out for
dinner on a whim" or "here's breakfast in bed" are very difficult to achieve.

\- Spare time is almost non-existant for me, apart for a few evenings when
wife and baby visit grandparents. My admiration for people with both startups
and babies (and especially side-projects and babies) is enormous.

Can't tell you about the later years (not there yet), but I'm looking forward
to just being part of a family with a little mini-me to re-experience the
world with.

~~~
petervandijck
"I just need a couple of hours away from the baby" -> after the baby has eaten
and been awake for an hour or so, take them for a long walk. They'll likely
sleep, and your wife gets an hour (or two!) to rest.

Also AMEN to the routine thing. Create a routine. It works. For babies, this
worked for us: 1. Sleep. 2. Wake up (they are now rested) and immediately
feed. Now they are rested and fed, and will play happily. 3. Play. 4. back to
sleep at the FIRST sign of tiredness (do NOT let them become overtired).

------
albahk
I have a 4.5 month old daughter and my life has changed in the following ways:

\- every day is much more structured around the baby. Get home from work, feed
her, put her to bed at 8:30pm, she wakes up at 6am, feed her, go to work, etc.

-Its like being on-call 24-7 so expect very few opportunities to get in the "flow state" when working on your app/startup.

\- I have a full-time job (not related to software) and in the past I planned
to quit to work on a startup full-time but my risk tolerance just went to zero
as I now worry about having money for the baby. My startup will need to be
throwing off at least 2x my current salary before I consider quitting my job.

\- Its hard to have your own time to do _anything_ , let alone work on a side-
project.

~~~
DirtyAndy
I've got a 4 year old and a 6 year old. All valid things you raise here, and
they certainly still apply with mine at their current age.

A positive though, that may not apply to everyone, but certainly applied to
me: They make you grow up

Suddenly there are other people that really depend upon you. Whilst finding
the time to get a startup running is harder, I think the motivation to succeed
is stronger than it was when it was just me with few cares in the world.

~~~
phillytom
My kids are the same age and I agree completely. At some point after my kids
were born I found that the change in responsibility made many other areas of
my life simpler.

Once I began to understand how I could fully commit myself to my children and
what it means to have kids that fully depend on you, many other things became
easier to prioritize and commit to, or reject. It was easier for me to focus
at work and realize that I need to make that time valuable, it was easier to
exercise and eat right, it was easier to say to no to people and drop
activities that were not core to what I was doing. Maybe clarity around
priorities is what changed the most for me.

------
midnightmonster
Slightly off topic parenting discovery: if you're the dad in the USA, you can
count on general approval or at least tolerance for just about anything you do
with your kids in public so long as you're not hitting them or screaming at
them. It's kind of insulting that the standards are so low, but most people
still seem to expect dads to be clueless, and/or they treat taking the kids
out in public by yourself as an extra credit activity for fathers.

~~~
ceejayoz
Amen to that. I've gotten the "how nice, babysitting duty?" thing a lot, which
I find _really_ insulting. "No, this would be daddy duty" is my usual
response. I tend to get it especially when I'm dual-babywearing (Ergo carrier
in front, Cocopak carrier in back) at the grocery store.

------
hunterjrj
I'll comment from witnessing how intense focus on a startup during it's
earliest phases can affect a family with very young kids:

Founder of a software startup I used to work for was highly dedicated to his
work and as the company began to see success, his family fell apart. He spent
time traveling to meet with his customers and occasional travel turned into
constant travel. When he wasn't traveling, he was working. Eventually his wife
demanded a separation and eventually a divorce. I'd sometimes be on the road
with him and can recall more than one occasion when he'd be calling home to
wish his kids happy birthday. I found that to be a little sad. Now he sees his
kids on weekends. Lives alone in a beautiful, but empty, house.

Clearly this won't be the case for everyone but unless you are able to strike
a balance you might find success comes at a very high price.

------
awt
Completely changed my life. I have a 3 week old. You have to relearn how to do
everything. You have figure out new ways to do things that used to be easy:

Cooking/eating

Going to the store

Sleeping

I'm not giving up on my side projects though. My strategy has been to think
about my project while actively caring for the baby and to sneak in some
coding sessions while she's napping.

~~~
KoZeN
Congrats! How are you coping with the sleep deprivation?

I'm a father to a 6 month old boy and I got to a point where I was so tired I
felt I could see through time.

~~~
awt
Probably getting 5 hours a night and a nap mid day so doing ok. It is hard
getting up in the middle of the night though.

------
brc
Just remember raising kids is what you are basically designed to do.

It's not a project to outsource, or to delegate, or to bend to the latest
fads. There's an entire industry designed to take advantage of your
cluelessness as a new parent and make you purchase things out of guilt or
stress. Just remember millions of kids are raised in mud huts next to wood
fires.

Do what feels natural and appreciate you're going to make mistakes. Do some
reading but don't obsess with a particular author or movement. Cherry pick
what works for you.

To answer a question directly, having kids does inspire you to do more but
gives you less resources to do it. You will make new friends and drift away
from old ones.

But above all, remember that this is what you're designed to do.

------
bmj
I have two kids, aged 7 and (nearly) 5. Yes, it absolutely changes your life.
The degree to which it does, however, is up to you.

My wife and I waited 'til we were both 30 to have kids (we had been married
since we were 24). Because we waited, we decided that we'd go all in when we
did have kids--one of us would be at home with the kids, and likely homeschool
(which we are doing). We made the commitment to change our lives in order to
be parents. We weren't going to shoehorn kids into our lifestyle.

Additionally, be ready to sacrifice your time for your partner/spouse's sake,
especially during infancy. Both parents need some time away, particularly if
one is at home with the child. Early on, I considered my time at work my "free
time," and was willing to give up trips to the climbing gym in the evenings so
that my wife could get out of the house. As I said, this is only temporary,
and as your kids get older, it's easier to share what you love with them
(that's why we've never stopped climbing since we had kids--we can easily do
it together, and the many road trips have provided lots of bonding
experiences).

Another thing I've come to realize is that raising your children really is a
way to make a positive contribution to the world. The work you do as a parent
is profoundly important, more so than any hacking project or start-up. You
_will_ have time for your own big ideas again, so don't waste the opportunity
you have with your kids.

------
usiegj00
I'm father of 6. Ages 7,5,4,3,2 and 8 months. (I'm atheist before you ask.) My
best work--in technology has coincided with a pregnant wife. Between our
disappearing nightlife schedule (more hack nights FTW!) and the caveman drive
to go hunt on the plains (which for me means more LOC), a pregnancy has been
productivity heroin.

Yes, a baby does change your life--in other more significant ways. The
intensity of emotion cannot be described. But you will know it when you are
holding your own son/daughter in your arms for the first time.

Don't dilly-dally. Have kids early. While you believe you are underfunded,
underprepared and "distracted" with your tech startup.

~~~
theycallmemorty
I've never heard a person with 4 or more kids say "I wish I didn't have so
many kids. I wish I had more money/time/energy to spend on my
startup/cottage/whatever."

------
jeffmiller
Having a baby completely reset my perspective on being alive.

The big news in my house today was that our 1.5-year old daughter said the
word "yellow" for the first time. That may sound cliched if you don't have
kids, but consider that not too long ago my daughter was an inanimate object--
and not too long before that she didn't exist at all--and now she's pointing
at yellow objects and saying "yellow". That's magical stuff.

Having a baby means you get to experience these small magical moments every
day. Pre-baby, I was often getting caught up in minutiae which now seems so
unimportant. I think the paths we all tend to naturally take--go to school,
start a career (or a startup), climb the ladder, etc--conspire to make us
slowly lose perspective. It sort of bleeds away over time. But having a baby
smashes that all, and presses the reset button.

It's sort of like the syringe-full-of-adrenaline scene in Pulp Fiction, but in
a good way.

------
TimLangley
Provides perspective Disclaimer: I have a 3 yr old and a 2 week old

Running a start-up is tough (mentally, physically and emotionally). In my
experience the emotional one is the toughest. Having a baby (and hence
children) helps to put all the "junk" things into perspective.

Sure they impact on sleep / time - but so does my start-up (in this case they
fit right in)

------
redwoods
1\. It's the best thing ever. Do it when your ready but if your ready younger
that's great. You need all the energy you can get. If I could have done it
younger I would. 2\. I only felt truly grown up when I became a dad at
43.there's something about putting your own sleeping child to bed, the
privilege, joy and responsibility are amazing. It's not that your not grown up
if u don't have kids but it made me feel more solid and that's a better
platform for launching a business - for me anyway. 3\. While you will be more
risk averse with kids the benefit is assessing opportunities more clearly. 4\.
I have just started reading "Raising Babies" by Steve Biddulph a psychologist.
Very enlightening on the issue of putting tiny kids into day care. Basically,
avoid at all costs if possible according to the latest research. The best
thing in the world is looking after your own kids and when they are tiny this
is best for them too. As another post says : don't shoehorn them into your
life, change your life to fit around them. 5\. The first 12 months of a new
baby are a blur of exhaustion. Don't fight it, accept it. You can't do 10
eighteen hour days in a row anymore... And that's a good thing too!

------
petervandijck
3-year old toddler.

1\. You suddenly have a lot of ideas for baby/toddler startups.

2\. Spending time with them is the only way to go. That means your time
management skills will probably (have to) improve.

3\. No 9-5 is great with kids: you can make time for them whenever.

4\. The first year, forget about coding at night etc. You'll need all the
extra sleep you can get.

5\. Kids have a sense for when you're not present. You can be in the room with
them cleaning stuff, no problem. But the moment you sit behind your computer
(and hence are not "there" anymore), they'll come and pull you away from it.

6\. Thinking you should work more time so you have more money for them later
is just really misguided. They need you. Now. Not later. They don't care at
all about your professional success. They need you.

7\. Kids can't be rushed (not without drama ensuing).

8\. For a small baby, a few hours is like an entire day: they wake up, poop,
play, eat, and go to sleep. The cycle that takes you a whole day happens in
about 2 hours for them.

When they're small babies, you can put them in a sling, they sleep, and you
can sit in front of a computer and get a little work done for an hour or so.

------
Tichy
Two weeks in, I definitely feel more determined than ever, but sleep is still
a problem.

A couple of months into the pregnancy I took on a 9 to 5 job, which I wouldn't
have considered otherwise. Then it became a problem to quit that job again,
when it turned out to be boring (like most jobs) - risk aversion is definitely
way up, also for the spouse. Luckily now the company branch dissolved anyway,
problem solved.

I actually don't feel that now it is my duty to get a secure job to feed the
family. Of course feeding the family is a priority, but it seems more
important to me to be able to show my son that it is possible to have a
fulfilling life, a ka have fun at work. If I went to another 9 to 5 job now,
it would just result in a depressed father and possibly also a depressed kid.
I don't think buying more shiny toys would compensate for that.

It floored me that it is considered normal by society that the father simply
is away working and rarely ever has time for the kid. Certainly not what I
want.

~~~
petervandijck
"to show my son that it is possible to have a fulfilling life" -> (Throwing my
hands in the air): AMEN to that!

I think teaching values is partly explaining things to your kids, but mostly
being an example. You do NOT have to become a boring 9-5 man when you get
kids. Rather, become a scrappy entrepreneur who can afford to spend heaps of
time with his kids because they have that flexibility.

------
thinkingeric
I have a 3yo and 14mon old. Just about everything revolves around them, except
for a precious couple of hours in the evening, when I have to decide between
programming etc. and cleaning up. Because of professional demands on my time
(tech lead at web dev shop), my wife ends up bearing a much larger share of
the responsibilites for the household than either of us would like. If there
isn't some kind of professional pot o' gold after all my effort, the inequity
will just seem unfair -- and in retrospect I will just look like a typical
selfish guy. The fussing seems constant sometimes, which is wearing on the
nerves. Although I do spend several hours with the kids everyday (daycare exit
to bed time), I'm too tired to be the engaged parent that I thought I would.
"Inspiration .... to do more"? Absolutely. The financial pressure has
increased tremendously. But these are 'the rough times' .... right?

~~~
petervandijck
Spending time with your kids -> relationship with them gets better -> it
becomes more fun to spend time with them.

I don't think chasing a pot of gold is worth giving up time for your family
(that you'll never get back), but that may just be me.

------
mdoyle
Having babies has brought more substance to our lives. We have 3 girls under
the age of six and I am approaching 40. I wish we had them when we were
younger if anything. Its difficult getting time to do everything.. full time
job, spending time with family, hacking, starting up, etc. My girls are
fantastic company and make me laugh constantly, and give me much love, They
can take any stresses away in an instant. They can also add to my stresses
when they are being 'challenging' young humans. They inspire me to do more for
their benefit. I have been exhausted for the last six years and expect I will
be until they leave home! There will be plenty of time to sleep when I retire.

------
runjake
I have 8 month old triplets, so my case is a little different than others.

As Vivtek said below "Having a baby entirely eliminates your life and replaces
it with a different one.". The old you will die off pretty quickly and a new
you will be born, it sounds sad, and occasionally it may be, but your life is
about to get better in a way that can't be described.

I'm trying to come up with something coherent on how I balance time and am
able to work on projects. I'll post that, if I'm successful.

The short of it is: your current life is over, and you'll have a new one. This
isn't meant to be dramatic; it's just how it is. You will adapt, grow, cry,
laugh, sometimes get depressed, and many times be in awe.

------
spanx
I have a 4 year old boy and a 7 year old girl. It's an amazing experience
bringing children in to the world and raising them to be decent, loving,
energetic, passionate, all that stuff. And I totally agree with bmj when he
said raising children should make a positive contribution to the world; my
wife and I are completely dedicated to ensuring our kids question, learn, play
and enjoy life to the max.

And I'm also a CTO at a new venture, with all the pain and hard work that
involves. And it _is_ hard with kids, keeping the balance, etc. However, it is
that balance that keeps me sane, the kids bring joy when the job sucks, and
vice versa.

I bloody love being a parent.

------
dpcan
1 year after my first son was born I started my business. I was 23. 3 more
kids and 8 (almost 9) years later, I'm still working for myself. My first son
was my inspiration.

This year I decided to become an independent game programmer because I wanted
to follow my dreams, and I wanted my kids to see that if you love something
and want to be a success at it, you have to just DO IT.

And I did. And I'm having success with it. My kids will grow up knowing you
don't have to just settle down and earn a buck, but you can do what you love,
make a living, and make your own rules.

Oh and if you're wondering how your life changes. Well. I think there's only
one word for it: completely.

------
davidw
It's overall a great thing that I wouldn't go back on, but it does have some
negative repercussions on work, in terms of time to work on your own stuff,
and even cutting into '9-5' type jobs. In some ways it's quite frustrating,
actually, because you can't be there all the time for a child and also be
there all the time for work.

------
jamesriley
What an amazing community - it's so insightful to hear comments from people at
a stage I hope to acheive one day. I'm a full time web developer, not long out
of University with dreams of running my own projects and getting recognition
globally for my efforts. My time forever feels limited, balancing my
relationships, work, personal projects and other interests at times feels
impossible. Not to mention sleep, something I would happily have none of if I
could survive, yet also at times enjoy it more than anything in the world.

Yet when I hear of those with children to balance and still pushing to reach
great heights professionally - I'm encouraged as it never slips my mind how
'lucky' I am not to have such responsibility. I use 'lucky' in quotes, as the
irony is - I'm aware I'm missing out on having a child who I imagine to be the
biggest source of joy and pride one could feel.

I have a girlfriend who I love and the occasional thought of feeling a little
overwhelmed and craving more time to work on my own projects is overshadowed
by the motivation boost I get from knowing I'm not just working for myself.
We're all working to be happy, all pushing for the best life for ourselves and
our loved ones. The quest for the perfect balance will likely never end, I
guess we just need to do what we feel is best at that point in time. Best of
luck to all those putting the work in while still raising a child - I'm sure
it can be difficult but also hugely rewarding. Thanks for sharing!

------
audax
I am a new dad with a three month old boy. He has definitely changed our
lives.

With a family, especially children, it changes your priorities in life.
Suddenly instead of plugging away on the computer late into the night, you
want to spend time with your family. So it means a lot less time to work; but
more motivation, cause it is not just about you.

Having a spouse that is actively involved in raising your child, is immensely
helpful.

In summary, probably less work time and harder to stay focused; but greater
overall happiness.

------
x0t
I just had a little boy on 05 OCT 2010. The biggest thing I've noticed is I no
longer have much time for my side projects (freelancing) outside of my day job
(network administrator). I have to cram fits of coding into little hour blocks
of time when the kid is asleep, it's not very productive.

I'm not terribly exhausted, but I am tired. I'm still interested in all the
things I was previously interested in, but I have to focus on the kid now and
put those things aside until he's old enough to communicate better and isn't
near as helpless.

Lastly, I don't know that he gives me inspiration so much as motivation.
Previously I worked to pay the bills so my wife would be comfortable, now it's
for my son and wife. If I was single, my living requirements would be far
less. I'd likely have a small shack in the middle of nowhere and far fewer
possessions. That being said, I love my family and my life as it stands. I
wouldn't have it any other way.

~~~
Tyrannosaurs
Congratulations and a bit of advice.

The worst, in terms of tiredness and exhaustion comes around 6 - 8 weeks.
Right now you've probably still got enough adrenalin in your system from the
excitement to help you through but that will wear off over the next few weeks.
My wife (who had previously worked 100 hours a week plus as a junior doctor)
commented around week 6 that she was so tired she thought she might die.

But it does bounce and start to get better after this. Not sure whether babies
just start to improve around then, whether parents start to get the hang of it
around then or whether the tiredness leads people to take control of things
more than they had before.

My recommendation would be rest all you can now, don't try and cram other
things in for now - there will be (a small amount of) time later. I think it
was somewhere around 4 or 5 months when things started to feel a little bit
back to normal and you can start looking at personal projects and hobbies.

~~~
petervandijck
"The worst, in terms of tiredness and exhaustion comes around 6 - 8 weeks."
Agreed. Also, tiredness can build up over months and hit you hard at, say, 6
months. Make sure you and your wife use every moment you can to get some
sleep. Leave that laundry for later, get some sleep.

------
usedtolurk
I'll try to answer your questions directly and avoid the temptation of giving
advice or writing about how awesome fatherhood is. For context, I have a 4
month old baby girl, a full time corporate software job and I just started my
"project" two months ago...

>So does having a baby give you inspiration and ability to do more?

More inspiration and more motivation but almost no time to implement. The odd
thing is that I'm actually getting more stuff done now than before, but I have
to admit the bar wasn't set very high. I always knew I was wasting time before
but it felt like I had plenty to waste.

Since her birth, free time is measured in minutes so I have to make them all
count. On the other hand I've had opportunities for thinking while my hands
have been full, so when even the shortest window opens I know exactly what
needs doing first.

I keep taking inspiration from patio11 (see
[http://www.kalzumeus.com/2010/03/20/running-a-software-
busin...](http://www.kalzumeus.com/2010/03/20/running-a-software-business-
on-5-hours-a-week/) ). If I get 5 hours done it's been a good week, but it's a
lot more productive than I would have thought.

>Or you are so exhausted that everything else seems uninteresting?

Exhausted yes, but in a different way to how I imagined it - it's not totally
debilitating. I'm still very interested in too many things (some new).

>How does having a baby change your life?

I realised how important family is and how much they depend on me. I spend
less time at work and stress less about it. I now try to be fresh and cheerful
when I get home even if I don't feel it.

I care even less what other people think. I spend less time lurking in forums.
I've finally got off my arse and made actual progress. I've got lower
expectations.

I also have baby spit on all my collars, bags under my eyes and occasional
unwarranted grumpy outbursts. But it's all good.

------
JunkDNA
The time issue is the biggest adjustment for me. I'm in my 30's and have spent
2/3 of my life goofing around on my computer in my spare time (which I
apparently had boatloads of, though now it is hard to remember what it was
like). I now have a 5 month old girl. The hardest thing to adjust to was the
time issue. I have a 40-min train commute to my job, and that gives me my
biggest chunk of free time all week. While it is easing up some, the lack of
sleep is really hard. I get up several times in the middle of the night to
just give her a pacifier and soothe her back to sleep. As a result, I'm much
less productive at work.

In spite of all of that, I wouldn't change a thing. All I have to do is look
at her smile in the morning and it reminds me what life is really all about.

~~~
trigger
Not having so much free time is certainly a problem. No more hacking away for
the whole day/evening/night. Nowadays I'm lucky if I get a straight 2 hours.
The one good thing about this (aside for my beautiful daughter of course) is
that it's made me knuckle down and focus on goals. Knowing that I've only got
one hour to get a particular task done is a great motivator.

------
jgrahamc
When the baby is born someone does an execve on you. You inherit your original
PID but everything else is replaced. There is no way back to the original
process, but you keep open file descriptors to your close friends. Friends
without children were likely marked close on exec.

~~~
scott_s
_Friends without children were likely marked close on exec._

Hopefully dependent on who the friend is. One of my best friends had a
daughter a year ago, and I've seen him about as much as I did before he was a
father. (Which is less than I like, but I no longer live near my family and
oldest set of friends.) But that works because I'm fine with going over to
their house and sitting around talking while watching their little girl try to
figure out how to sit up.

~~~
sharkey
How easy it is to keep in touch with non-parent friends depends largely on
their tolerance for sleep-deprived conversations about poo :-).

------
rdmlx
Life's priorities certainly change. Before I had a baby, it was all about my
intellectual pursuits. Now my focus is on how to be a better father. I used to
be a big gamer. I sold my gaming system and try to no longer use the computer
after I get home from work. Needless to say, this is a huge priority shift and
is very fulfilling. I am less inspired to pursue risky dreams, but more
inspired to plan for long term financial success. It is exhausting to come
home after a long day and be Dad, get on their level and focus on them, but at
the same time I have a new found energy that I never had before.

(Father of a 20 month old girl and expecting another this December.)

------
jtbigwoo
The biggest change for me was the lack of free time to do everything. I can
still make time to do what I enjoy, but I don't have time for reading books
_and_ watching tv _and_ working out _and_ sports _and_ going out with friends.
I have to choose one or two things that are most important.

In hacker terms, I was running at a baseline of 10% CPU before the kids and
could add whatever other activities I wanted without getting overwhelmed.
After the kids, I'm running at 40% CPU (90% for the first three months of
their lives :) ) and have to be more judicious about what additional
activities I take on.

------
moconnor
I've a 2 year old son. A lot of comments about sleeplessness and being on call
24/7 stop applying after a few months, when a baby sleeps through the night.

I find I have less time in front of the computer, but more motivation and
inspiration while I'm there. I still have plenty of energy and time to create
interesting projects ([http://yieldthought.com/post/1345897970/10-flaws-that-
made-m...](http://yieldthought.com/post/1345897970/10-flaws-that-made-my-
weekend-app-possible)). I had more time beforehand, but I can't point to
anything worthwhile that I achieved with it.

~~~
shwn
"after a few months, when a baby sleep through the night"

You mean when _your_ baby sleeps through the night - mine didn't until 12-14
months or so :)

~~~
moconnor
s/a few/20/

~~~
pcglue
22 months and counting here...

------
diN0bot
is anyone commenting here female? or have anecdotes with respect to how women
are effected? i'm particularly curious because of the physical and hormonal
changes that a woman goes through with respect to child birth and breast
feeding, etc. how are the time, side-project, changes curves effected in this
particular case?

~~~
julietteculver
I'm 38 weeks pregnant so can't comment on having a child yet, but the physical
impact of pregnancy took me rather by surprise. In particular, I just haven't
been able to sit at a computer for that many hours of a day for the last two
or three months. Getting an iPad has certainly helped somewhat with that, but
haven't found any way to actually do programming comfortably for long
stretches. I feel like my brain is still in full working order though which is
a relief!

~~~
dgabriel
When I was pregnant with my twins, I worked full time, mostly from home. The
key was a sweet recliner, good laptop, and laptop stand. I got plenty done.

After they were born, I spent so much time nursing them for the first 2
months, that I had plenty of hack-y time (alternating with episodes of Buffy).
You need a good nursing pillow and a comfortable seat, but you need those even
if you're just watching Buffy. My beloved cooked all the meals, did most of
the errands, and was generally as awesome and supportive as a man can be. It
helps that he was working from home at the time.

~~~
julietteculver
lol, since I started on maternity leave I have in fact alternating hacky type
stuff with watching Buffy! (which I'd somehow managed to never watch, and
should keep me going for a while) Thanks for the tips too!

~~~
dgabriel
Just a warning: there's a place between 3 months and a year where your evening
productivity may drop, depending on how well your baby sleeps. I was doing ok
for a while, then went back to work full time, and got pretty much nothing
done on my side projects until they were a year old. Now at 18 mos, they sleep
from 7:30 - 7:30, and it's much easier.

------
gregpilling
I have 3 kids - 6 years old, 3 years old and a fresh one at 5 months. I would
strongly recommend sleep training them from day one. My wife is a strong
proponent of her own good night sleep and our kids were sleeping through the
night at 5 weeks, 7 weeks and 8 weeks respectively. If you can get them
sleeping, that is half the battle. After that, it becomes a scheduling issue
but it is not that bad. My wife is a big fan of the book "On Becoming Baby
Wise" but don't read too many books. Just use your best judgement.

You will also discover yourself doing things that you had never dreamed of -
like a 3 year old yelling to you "Dad, come wipe my bum!" or calmly dealing
with a child projectile vomiting and having a bowel movement at the same time.
Children amplify the highs and lows of life. The smallest things they do
become huge triumphs in your life (look! the baby smiled!). It is wonderful
and I could not imagine it any other way.

You can still accomplish anything that you want to - my wife got tenure a week
before our second child was born. I have started 3 companies while having
kids. You get better at time management and it helps to have a little staff.
We use a maid service and have a full-time nanny. The older kids now go to
school and so we have a little structure (and I have the time between 8:30 and
11:30 in peace and quiet). You learn how to structure and delegate. You can't
do it all yourself, so you have to figure out how to manage time and people.
Once you get these skills, then you can actually get MORE done than you could
before.

For anyone concerned about doing a startup and looking for a partner, have a
look at the kid. They may not bring much in the way of technical expertise,
but you will never ever want to let them down, no matter how rough the going
gets. Each day when you get home and those bright eyes ask you "How was work
today Daddy, what did you do?" you will find more accountability and support
than you could ever believe. When they get a little older, you buy a Lego
Mindstorms and start making projects that move and do things and this gets fun
in new ways - teaching your kids to program/hack whatever. You can get them
going on Python Turtle and watch their little minds expand once they realize
that they are controlling the movements. And as someone else noted, you get a
lot of baby-focused startup ideas.

------
wacheena
My wife had a baby 5mo ago.

The biggest change for us initially was lack of sleep. Now that we're past
that hurdle (he sleeps for roughly 12hrs at night) the biggest change I'm
seeing is STUFF.

There's huge marketing pressure to buy things for your baby. Some are a
necessity (at least in Western society) like diapers, clothes and whatnot. But
there are many, many things you'll see at Target/BabiesRUs/where ever you shop
that you don't really need.

Humans have been dealing with infants for thousands of years, and most of this
stuff has only been around for the last 50.

Purchase judiciously!

~~~
petervandijck
Here's a vote for cloth diapers, especially if you're considering more than 1
kid.

------
mgenzel
I'll strike a somewhat contrarian view: having children doesn't really have to
change who you are. You can still enjoy most of the things you enjoy, except
you get to bring your children into it, and enjoy it on a new, cool level. We
enjoy art & opera, so we take our kids to museums and concerts (we started
taking our oldest at 3, our youngest is not ready for opera yet, but can do
small concerts). We love linguistics, history, science, so we love sharing
these things with our children (etymology is a particular hit with our 5-yr-
old). Bonus point: if you're interested in cognitive psychology, you'll get
the greatest kick out of observing your children's attempts at modeling the
world & language. You like travel? Take your kids with you. Love to read?
Share your favorites with kids. I remember how my father always used to re-
tell us his favorite books (sci-fi stuff, jules verne, etc). We watch Daily
Show each night with our kids (when we go to vote with them, they know stuff,
it's wicked cool :) I still spend all my free time doing startups (yes, yes,
there's lots less of it, but still). The first year+ was a bit hard (early
years fall disproportionately hard on the women as milk-producing & comfort-
giving machines, hah), and I must take lots of forced vacations (daycare
closed, school closed, child is sick), but... What I'm trying to say, take it
easy, and don't worry too much about it. For one, you can't really predict
what'll happen anyway, you've got to live through it. As an old Arabic saying
goes, "What can the horse tell you about the road he hasn't traveled?" :)

------
sclopit
one thing I don't see mentioned so far is that children give you some
perspective on leadership.

this means:

1) learning how to communicate values (as opposed to rules) 2) learning how to
steer them away from paths that are not opportunities for growth and into
those that are.

these are both things that any development team could use

~~~
petervandijck
Absolutely. Also: how to assert yourself. How to set boundaries. How to
communicate seriously. How to praise. Etc.

------
flybrand
4 year old boy and 1 year old girl. Two things change;

Time. I'd worked in banking fresh out of school - have a problem? Throw hours
at it. +100 hour weeks were no problem. Not so now - much more than 60 and the
big one will ask me where I've been.

Responsibility. Kids connect you to the world; things that were once
meaningless, now matter. I care what the two of them do all day, are they
getting a good education, eating healthy, exercising, etc. Your role as Dad
requires much more oversight than your role as spouse.

------
d4nt
I have a 3.5 year old and another on the way. Some observations:

* It was about 8 weeks before I could have an hour to myself in the evenings to watch TV. Before that I was in a constant state of rushing to get everything done. Fortunately I rode the train to work so that gave me 30mins to chill.

* It made me way more efficient with my time, I can't believe how much time I used to waste. I'm now ruthless with time management - having 30 minutes to myself is a luxury and will quickly be allocated to fixing bugs or catch up on reading.

* The financial pressure focuses you on what's really important. I've learned to live on a lot less personally - shame I now have higher costs overall.

* The way you plan things changes, you have to allocate at least 30mins to "getting ready to go out".

* It'll make you a better communicator, depending on how your career's gone so far, having a child may be your first exposure to really asserting yourself with someone, simplifying technical concepts on a regular basis (the other day I had "Why can't I see my eyes?") and "hacking people" (I'm thinking of things like using distraction or turning going to bed into a race).

* I think it makes you more pragmatic and less idealistic. You know that the way the school admissions system works is supposed to be fair but you will shamelessly game the system when it comes to _your_ kids.

~~~
petervandijck
"having a child may be your first exposure to really asserting yourself with
someone" -> amen to that. I've learnt a lot.

------
timjahn
Our first son is nine weeks old now and it's hard to believe the changes we've
all gone through since his birth.

>> So does having a baby give you inspiration and ability to do more?
Absolutely. I'm more inspired than ever to make BeyondThePedway.com a
sustainable business so my wife can not work next year and stay home with our
little guy. I want to create the best lifestyle possible for us and him, so
the inspiration is there like never before.

>> Or maybe you change your life's priorities? This happened too, at least for
me, but it relates to your previous question. My biggest priority now is
creating a happy lifestyle for us, where I can work when I want to, and enjoy
all of my kid's life. I want my wife to do what she wants to. So yes, it's
changed my priorities a bit, but for the better. And I couldn't be more
excited.

>> Or you are so exhausted that everything else seems uninteresting? This is
where your mileage may vary...a lot. Our little guy is amazing, started
sleeping 4-5 hours for the first leg at night right out of the hospital. And
he's done it consistently. I don't get up more than twice during the night
with him. I was exhausted a bit in the first few weeks because I was still
trying to work at night (I'm a night guy), but once I switched to going to bed
when he does at 8-9pm and getting up earlier in the morning, it made a world
of a difference.

>> How does having a baby change your life? Makes you so happy. Changes your
outlook on everything. A whole new set of eyes looking at every aspect of you
life in a whole new light. You realize he's going to be a teenager one day.
He's going to do all the things you did or didn't do. Indescribable really. :)

------
lusis
Initially, you're going to be pretty sleep deprived. Don't expect to get much
done. You're also going to be REALLY distracted by every little snort and
sniffle.

Somewhere around 6 months, things will SORT of get back to normal. One person
should be able to reliably watch the kid while the other gets some valuable
"me' time.

One thing you need to be prepared for is taking time off of work. You'll have
to. It's not fair for one spouse to deal with all the responsibility. If
possible, you should both attend the pediatric visits for the first year.

The one thing you cannot prepare for is the amount of love that will take over
your life. I'm not a touchy feely kind of guy but you'll have waking
nightmares about something happening to your kids and sometimes some really
bad dreams. I think that's a side effect of the fact that you have someone who
depends on you entirely for everything. this little person is your
responsibility and you love them so much and they love you so much. It's
overwhelming. It changes your world view.

Where you REALLY hit a rough spot is on the second one (depending on the age
of the first). My second son came when my first was 21 months old. That's two
in diapers. One parent CANNOT watch both kids for extended periods of time at
that age ESPECIALLY if you're breastfeeding (which you should at least give a
shot).

The biggest suggestion I would make is this: If you have any dreams of being
an entrepreneur, discuss with your spouse about how far along you want to get
in that process before you have kids. You'll have to put it on hold for at
least 6 months if not a year.

I love my kids and wouldn't have it any other way. Yes, it changes your life
and priorities.

------
silverlake
I don't have kids, but here's my observation. (1) My father had no interest in
kids except to yell and beat us fairly often. (2) A friend is a 40yo single
playboy who finally slipped up and had a son, whom he sees every weekend. He
adores the kid and "can't imagine life without him." (3) Every time a friend
has a kid, he disappears forever. The only clue they're alive are the updated
pics of their kids on facebook.

------
lordmatty
I have a six week old daughter and am running an iPhone dev Agency in London
(Future Workshops - 5 employees).

Having a daughter is an amazing experience. Its hard work, but your heart
melts at the smallest things. Its true when people say that it changes the way
you are for ever.

On the flip side, I found work difficult after the birth. I could operate on a
small amount of sleep before, but after my daughter was born the lack of sleep
was relentless - kinda like going out on the town _every_ night for two weeks
and then having to work a full day.

Our clients have been amazing - heartfelt congratulations and baby clothes in
the post, but (rightly so) they still expect project delivery.

I feel that I'm out the other side now - I've trimmed my social commitments
and delegated in the right places to my employees, who have stepped up to the
task. I've got a good understanding in place with my partner about my time
also.

If you are going to have kids and run your own business make sure you plan for
reduced sleep and vastly reduced effectiveness after the birth. Things will
get back on an even keel quickly enough if you do!

------
trizk
I think it depends on both yours and your spouses contribution to taking care
of the child. It also depends what number child you are on like ericb said.
The first child is always the hardest and can be a distraction for a couple of
months. After those couple of months, and even if you have more children the
distraction becomes a need to support your family over your startup. If you
can fund your startup and your family without making them suffer, AND you have
a supportive spouse in terms of the hours you have to put into your startup,
then you are all set.

Edit: I just noticed your user name is kia, so there is a high probability
that you are female. Although it is not exactly "right" it is "traditionally"
expected for a woman to be more of a contributor to taking care of the child
than the man. Thus, it depends greatly on your spouses willingness to forgo
gender bias and help you. I would suggest that you be very open and thorough
in your communication about how you will share the responsibilities of the
child.

------
trevorhartman
Having had my first child 6 months ago, this transition is still fresh for me.

Having a baby makes you feel much more a part of the human race. It also makes
your house feel more like a home instead of a simple shelter (in the
utilitarian sense). There is much joy in raising a child.

Obviously, it takes a lot of time and work, but it's not the end of
productivity. I work a fulltime job, home by 5:30, and have to keep myself
from working on other projects until about 8pm when the baby goes to bed.
That's only 2.5 hours I'm unable to work during week days nights, and I'd
normally take at least 1 of those off anyway.

Weekends are a little different. There's much more time available but you have
to balance it with spending time with the family, so I usually end up working
random hours whenever I can (maybe 2 or 4 or 6) per weekend day.

Hours alone don't build an app. I think the consistency and discipline that my
new schedule requires is helpful in itself. The hours I do have available are
now more productive and focused.

------
rycs
I have a 4 year old and I'm 26 now, it does change your priorities for sure
but more than that you start to realize "you just can't afford to fail",
failing when you are on your own is less of an issue than when you have a kid,
and that same pressure to not fail will have different consequences on
different people, for the ones with the entreprenurial gene it will most
likely be a motivator, for the ones without that entrepenurial
gene/mindset/spirit will increase their fear of failure and make them pass
opportunities or not give it a shot to their ideas.

All in all, I think, it's a great experience! very rewarding even the
downsides (you know, lack of sleep, diapers, etc) are not as bad as they
sound, you kinda get used to it and trust me, raising a happy kid is
priceless, so changing diapers for a few years and missing some sleep hours is
a very small price to pay imo.

------
csouth
I have 2 kids (7 years and 4 months) and 2 on the way (I know I work fast).
What I can say above all is I do everything that I do for my kids. To run
through your questions. Yes you will get inspiration from your kids as you
hope to inspire them in some little way at all times in their life. Your
life's priorities sure do change (or at least should). Your life become about
your kid more or less. At least mine has. You will hit points of exhaustion.
Its figuring out how to limit those times that becomes the trick.

With all that said its the greatest thing ever. Think of it as a little
"startup" that you cannot let fail. You put a lot of time into it and in turn
you get all the return you need the first time that baby smiles at you and it
ISN'T because of gas heh. At no point have I thought it wasn't worth it. Its
been a crazy train ride but fun the whole way.

------
julius_geezer
Well, you're on somebody else's schedule for the next many years. Get out of
the late night feeding world, and presently you're coordinating schedules with
day-care providers and then schools (not always to be distinguished) that you
cannot afford to upset. (I vividly remember one Friday afternoon at the end of
the government fiscal year; some chosen software was taking a divide-by-zero
error on DOS 4.0, and the COTR wanted to know whether she should pull the
invoice and buy from a competitor. Meanwhile I had a babysitter who needed a
check before she left the country for a couple of weeks. Fortunately, a quick
repartition to bring C: back under 32 MB fixed the problem. I was home by 5
pm.)

It does not make everything else seem uninteresting--children can open up new
areas of interest for you. But your priorities change drastically.

------
webgambit
I have four daughters ages 4 to 14 and the one thing, without a doubt, that
kids did for me was that they help me to slow down and appreciate the little
things in life. If it wasn't for a my daughters (and my wife, to a lesser
extent) I'd probably do nothing but work and sleep. But they keep me grounded
in the rest of the world. And something as simple as a few minutes watching a
show or playing a game together brings me more joy than it ever did before I
had them.

As for you questions; yeah, it'll can change your priorities, inspire you to
do more or do different. And, as you can see in the rest of the comments,
having a baby instantly requires everyone to give all the advice they wished
someone had given them.

My advice, ignore 99.9% of what everyone tells you. Doing that is what kept my
wife and I sane.

------
wildmXranat
We are about to bring in a child to this world. Our due date is literally
three days away and it has changed the definition of how my free time is
structured. It changed what I think about on the drive in to work and what I
do with my free time at work.

Take my last week for instance. We had a list of things to get and do before
labor and spent about 50% of our free time knocking off items from that list.
Time between 6PM and midnight, which would be my personal free time, got re-
prioritized. Instead of just sitting at the computer and mindlessly throwing
myself at a project, I plan it out and almost rehearse it far in advance. In a
sense, it made me more focused and taught me to squeeze productivity in the
best way possible.

------
Calamitous
There are so many great comments here; I don't think it's possible to describe
to someone who hasn't been there. It's not an intelligence barrier; the simple
experience of parenthood is impossible to convey. That said, I'll give it a
shot:

It's wonderful and terrifying and deeply satisfying and the most frustrating
thing you'll ever do. Days and weeks will whip past with appalling speed;
things that once seemed life-shatteringly important now appear quaint,
humorous, and mildly embarrassing. You'll become a better person than you ever
thought possible, and will become acutely aware of your every character flaw.

You'll never know if you're going to regret it, but you won't care.

------
knoxbeing
This is our first child and we had it all planned out. Well, either the plan
was ill-conceived or just poorly executed because nothing has gone as planned.

Example: We adopted across racial lines. We are now a multi-racial family and
I thought, why not have a buddy of mine set up a website where I can document
my experiences as a father of a child that does not look like me. Thought it
might be useful information for some people as well as a place for the birth
mother to look in on from time to time if she chose to. The site is up, but
there is nothing posted because I have not had time to learn to use it.

....just one of many.

------
jason_slack
I have 3 kids 12 (boy), 9 (girl), 6 (boy).

My 12 year old is very into Apple and his idle is Bertrand Serlet although he
doesn't mind Steve Jobs either.

He turned out this way because he was always wanting to do what I was doing
which was IT and writing code. He has designed his first iphone app and wants
to release it.

I must admit that having them was definitely a change in life. It was positive
though. Yeah 3am feedings and all night visits to the emergency room are not
fun but watching them apply a skill you taught them in the funniest way makes
it all worth it.

------
bstrong
I have a 2.5 year old daughter, and I've found that once we got past the
sleepless nights phase, I became more productive on my side projects than I
was before she was born.

I have dramatically less free time to work on them, but out of necessity I've
become much more focused and disciplined about how I use it (no more tv,
aimless web surfing, etc.). The net effect is that I'm getting a lot more
done. Meanwhile, my single friends are complaining that they don't have any
free time for side projects. Hah.

------
jokull
I have a 7 month old son. I'm 24 years old. Me and the girl started going out
about 4 months into her pregnancy. I wanted to give it a shot and it didn't
work out in the end (just split up). My advice is to not fool yourself. It's
going to take all you have, so be ready to sacrifice your startup, social life
etc. There will be time later for that. Just go at the same speed as the girl
does, going from maternity and babycaring to getting a babysitter and going
out.

My second advice is to give it a shot.

------
arjosoer
No doubt it changes your life. Less sleep, less time for your self, basicly
your life resolves around your kids lives. The good part about kids if you are
trying to start your own business is that it adds a constant to your live.
Your business is a wild roller coaster ride but no matter how bad your day was
or how big the disappointment your kids are there at the end of the day. It
makes you realize on a daily basis that there is more to life than a business
a product or a job.

------
jonstjohn
Mine is 9 months today. The first six months, he slept a lot and I actually
got a lot of side projects worked on (I'm the dad). But, now he sleeps less
and is much more active, so when I'm watching him it is all hands on deck.
But, it is really awesome ditching the computer and just hanging out and
playing with him. I have a whole life to hack on projects, but the time with
him now is priceless.

------
projectileboy
You're no longer the center of your own universe. It's really fun 85% of the
time. You will have your patience tried in ways you can't possibly imagine
(for example, you haven't yet experienced 18 months of sleep deprivation, and
no, college and/or your startup isn't the same thing). If you're doing it with
a significant other, it will seriously test the strength of that relationship.

------
grandalf
does anyone want to create a google group or something to have ongoing
discussions about baby/child issues with HN-minded people? I do.

~~~
x0t
Done!

<http://groups.google.com/group/hn-parents>

Maybe this would be better suited for The Fridge, though?

~~~
Tichy
OMG - that means HN will have a kids branch soon, won't it? Hacker kids are a
scary thought :-)

------
msurel
A better question is how doesn't having a baby change your life.

As others here have said, it changes everything. Some of the changes are good,
some are annoying and honestly some of them just plain suck. But you deal with
it because that eating, pooping, crying, sleeping (sleep is optional) machine
becomes the single most important thing in your life.

------
T_S_
Some things I never expected:

No matter how bad my day is going, I smile when my daughter walks in the room.

7th grade homework can be challenging at any time of life. I can't wait to
find out how what grade I get on my son's science project.

My first-born was the first person I ever met that I would hope outlasts me
here on earth. Kind of put life in perspective for me.

------
coliveira
I have one. There are many changes, and most of them are good. First you need
to survive the first few weeks without much sleep. After that, the main thing
is to adjust your schedule to help with the baby and to play with him/her. It
sure takes time, but you won't believe how that time is well spent :-)

------
asanwal
Have a 1 year old. Have found:

1\. Increased desire to move out of ramen profitability as that is not what
enough for baby. 2\. Baby provides clarity of vision - You're not just doing
this for yourself or you and sig other

The hardest part is getting used to the loss of control. That said, it's
fantastic (as well as fantastically tiring)

------
sblom
Everything anyone tells you about how having kids changes your life is greatly
exaggerated. Probably including this. You have an additional constraint to
solve for, but it can almost always be solved for. Having a kid doesn't have
to change things that are important to you.

------
bennyk
I don't know but I will tell you that if I had children almost all the
decision I made would have been different and my life would have taken a
different turn.Make what you want out of this

------
galisevych
sure it is changing the life, and everything around. Sometimes it is hard, but
isn't it why we live our lives?

You can be selfish as you want to be and you will die alone, without anything
worth living.

------
known
[http://www.babycenter.in/baby/havinganother/howtocopetoddler...](http://www.babycenter.in/baby/havinganother/howtocopetoddlerandbaby/)

------
harscoat
That is a question! I love HN community, joined thx to my awesome cofounder
and I have a little 11m son:) This may kill our YC application (we would
definitely move to CA, but can a cofounder work as much his a. off with a
baby? etc.) but don't want my son be the elephant in the room ;) Here is the
answer I can contribute:

Fear - I used to be firefighter but before the birth of my son, I did not
understand what it really meant. "On his right hand Billy tattooed the word
love and on his left hand was the word fear" Cautious Man/Bruce Springsteen.
My "treasure", I know I can lose it all. Like I never was, I am all in.

Taking a stand - It is a big responsibility. You want to make money for his
security, have a stable life to take care of him... but on the other hand you
want to show him an example for his own life later on. Who will be his father?
Sbdy hiding in a comfortable well paid corporate job, sitting on the side of
his dreams? or sbdy who wants to create sthg of value, who takes a calculated
risk (this comes with age;) with costs (eg. time to take care of him), but
shows him nonetheless what he believes in by what he actually works on. I
chose the 2nd. It broke my relationship with his mother. When my son is born,
the cycle of life was in front of my eyes and in a strange but positive way
when was looking at him I also saw I will die. He changed that I had to be
harshly true to myself (I am still working on it). You can lie to yourself but
not to your child. This "not to BS yourself" burns (at least for me). I had to
make a decision. All in.

Wonder - Children are the greatest miracle and wonder on Earth. Sthg I kinda
knew got clear and more existential, the rest not important anymore. His sheer
existence gives me inspiration and focus: to give a tiny bit of this
miracle/wonder/awesomeness back, share that wonder fire with others. I now
orient my life on 2 things: 1/ truly caring for people (they were also
babies;), to listen to them, their own story when you can, and make sthg of
value to them, never to take them only as means for your own interest 2/ focus
my work on sthg for a minimum of 10 000 hours. (10k h or 10y. rules)
(necessary to achieve wonder results, not sufficient). My co-founder and I we
build a service for that. Walking the talk, eating our own existential dog
food. Something that could help people achieve wonders (doesn't mean big) by
doing things, practicing regularly over a period of time... We build it for us
and, why not, I really hope my son one day will use it too. This sense of
wonder in life, impersonated by my little boy, is what fuels my engine, that's
what gives me focus and perspective. I want to build wonder machines which
help others to create wonder machines. Might fail, but thank Life, my "whole"
is in ;)

------
misterhaywood
Having a baby is the most expensive thing you can do with your life, time and
money.

------
SethWilson
I only have one regret about becoming a parent....

I should have done it sooner.

------
sdizdar
Having kids makes you wiser.

------
signa11
we just have different sets of toys that's all !

------
TheCondor
Yes, it changes absolutely everything. I'll also say it generally makes life
better, you can talk about work/life balance before a child but it takes on a
completely different meaning. It's not more time at the gym or more xbox or
more time outside that you're balancing work against, it's more time with your
child. There simply isn't a comparison. Something else, I think I was a great
deal more selfish before hand, I didn't think it at the time and I never
intended or wanted to be selfish and I don't think I'd have described my self
as such.

As for work and work related things, it provides an incredible filter. I've
always had too many ideas and had to somehow filter through the bad ones but
try to honor every idea to see if it's bad, you simply have less time to screw
around and you either become more efficient and effective or you become more
mediocre. You either embrace that or you fight it. Where as before, I could
spend 6 hours on a Saturday morning just screwing around, maybe learning a new
tool or language or something, now I've got maybe 1 hour on that Saturday and
I have to make that time count more. I was maybe more oriented towards just
trying stuff and seeing what happened, now I have to be a bit more thoughtful
and it's not an entirely bad thing, when you just experiment and try you kind
of don't excercise some parts of your mind the same way. Some of the screwing
around some how seems more satisfying now when you can actually do that.

In some ways, it redefines "success." I've had mentors and peers that have
sort of fallen in to two camps. 1 camp says entrepreneurship is a young man's
game, it's countless really long weeks, doing every job you have to to get the
company to work, you might just have to grind, at some point you either want
to have a life or burn out and then you're done. You might have to choose
between a marriage and your buisness. The other camp insists that it's better
to have your support structure in place, how can you possibly start and run a
really good company if you don't have support at home? That support is a
loving family. A child almost forces you to be in the second camp or give it
all up.

Now, personally, what's interesting is that when I was 23 or 24ish it seemed
like there was this spectrum of success that went from Bill Gates style
billionaire down to being some hired contractor that did coding jobs to pay
the bills. Ultimate success would have been to grind out a decent company,
sell it for a billion dollars, take some time off to do stuff that "mattered"
(even though I was probably too selfish to really do it) and then try to do it
again. Now, building something sustainable that I love is the goal, something
that allows some balance, something that would be really hard to just walk
away from for a pay day. Something that allows my co-workers and employees to
live satisfying lives, start families, and have some balance too. Oddly, that
goal seems much better to me and I think it is radically easier to achieve.

That is of course after that first rough year to 2 years.... Even if you
sleep, it's just a lot to digest having a little human that completely loves
you and depends on you for everything.

------
sabat
_does having a baby give you inspiration and ability to do more?_

Maybe. It hasn't affected that part of me much. My kid's five, and I'm about
as driven as I ever was.

 _Or maybe you change your life's priorities?_

It does, sure. You will suddenly realize one day how much you love your kid.
The first months you spend in shock -- Ohmygod we have a baby here! -- but
after a while you realize how connected you are to him or her. And the
pressure to provider for the baby can be intense.

On the other hand, you also realize that if you don't take care of yourself,
you cannot take care of the child.

 _Or you are so exhausted that everything else seems uninteresting?_

I've had those days. As the kid gets older (than a year, for instance) you are
not a walking zombie. The outside world seems like a welcome diversion. Don't
worry, you won't lose yourself.

 _How does having a baby change your life?_

In practical terms: there's some new pressure, and new concerns, but you
remain the same person you always were -- just maybe a little bit better
because you have to try harder now.

------
dreww
keep in mind that everyone's advice is generally predicated on only their own
experience, and may or may not apply to your baby

