

How to Win Friends and Influence People - known
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influence_People

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TomOfTTB
I was never a fan of this book. The problem is that his primary rule is "be
genuine" but then he spends the rest of the book telling people to follow a
rules designed to conceal a their personality and turn them into an always
positive cheerleader.

Honestly, I’ve met people who follow his advice to the tee and they always
come off a little phony to me. Look at his advice for "being a leader" for
example and ask yourself "is all that posturing really being genuine?" I’d
rather have a boss that just gives it to me straight.

I guess what I’m saying is this. If you have a business or something and are
trying to suck up to people in order to get something from them this is great
advice. If you want an actual friendship with people in which you feel
comfortable being with them and don’t have to parse every word you say this
book isn’t for you.

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RiderOfGiraffes
Even the newer editions feel dated, but the advice is timeless. I summarise it
for my self as

    
    
       "Have respect - 
        be worthy of respect in return.
        Be honest and genuine."
    

Always consider how what you say might make someone feel. This can become a
habit, and cost you nothing. The gains can be awesome.

There are parts of the book to be taken with a pinch of salt, but if you can
read it while keeping its context in mind, it's a gold mine.

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JeffJenkins
I read this book but didn't really care for it. sh1mmer basically had it
right. He wants people to be genuine and try to phrase things we want in terms
of the gain for the other party.

I haven't got to reading it yet, but a friend who I trust recommended
"Influence: Science and Practice". He said it was a lot less fluffy than
Carnegie's book.

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sh1mmer
I have a copy of this on my shelf. It's an interesting book but the
negotiation techniques can be pretty crude compared with modern NLP.

Mostly it's good advice. To sum it up in one word be _genuine_.

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RiderOfGiraffes
Can you recommend a similar work for NLP? Everything that I've read so far
makes me think it's a crock. You have given me pause to consider again, and I
would value a reference. Thanks.

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sh1mmer
It's interesting, after you commented I looked up NLP on Wikipedia and was
honestly surprised at it's debunking.

I've read a few NLP books: NLP for Dummies, NLP for the modern manager and a
range of literature from people like Tony Robbins, Christopher Howard, etc.

Some of the material sucked, NLP for the modern manager especially. I have
been frustrated by the wishy washy nature of much of the material.

However the thing that really struck me was when I'd just finished a Tony
Robbin's seminar and had a meeting with my boss at the time who I barely got
on with. I did the technique called "matching and mirroring" where you gently
copy what the other person is doing. I was amazed it was the best meeting we'd
had that I could remember.

Since then I've used a number of the "basic" NLP techniques to do with body
language to help me communicate better with people. I guess I'm not sure what
to advise. Reading the Wikipedia article though makes me wonder how much of it
is a crock. Quite a lot of material I've read seems to be unhelpful,
unspecific or "self-help snake oil".

I'm curious what the real science is behind the practical body language
techniques I've been able to pull out of NLP if the rest of it is hokum.

