
Surviving Your 40s - dsr12
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/05/04/opinion/sunday/how-to-survive-your-40s.html
======
PaulRobinson
> I fear I’ve been promoted beyond my competence.

The idea that the Peter Principle[1] happens as you simply grow older and
society "promotes" you to a level beyond your competence is a novel one.

The Peter Principle states a promotion to incompetence happens because you are
good at your current role and so you're promoted to the new role, but what the
author is hinting at is that for some societal functions _it just happens_.

Is it real, or is it another example of imposter syndrome?

My Father has asked me to do some paperwork around a living trust for when the
inevitable happens to him and his wife. It has prompted some reflection: I'm
unfortunately going to be one of those people who has to make the arrangements
for dying parents soon.

I find myself thinking about attics that will need clearing, paperwork that
will need organising, distant family that must be contacted, and all at a time
that I will want to curl up in a ball.

I question if I can do that competently. I am confident I can be "the guy"
others look to in a work-based crisis - a P1 costing us thousands in lost
revenue a minute? I can handle that.

But the societal living things that "adults" do that young adults never have
to do is a little more onerous.

Can I go back to being a regularly drunk 25 year old please? Take this home
contents insurance paperwork and blood pressure medication away, give me some
Jaeger-bombs and no memory of getting home, thanks.

Good luck to us all...

[1]
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_principle](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_principle)

~~~
k3liutZu
I keep wondering lately if anyone is actually an "adult", or if everyone is
just faking it because that's what society expects... this leading to a
vicious circle.

~~~
cko
I have an older close friend who, after a college reunion, said to me, “Some
people stayed the same age they were when they graduated, some people stopped
at 40, some people just kept growing.”

I’m not 100% sure what he meant by that, but I find that every few months the
way I see the world almost completely changes. I’m more accepting, calmer,
less inclined to get into heated debates over opinions, when people exhibit
“crazy” behavior I actually kind of understand where they’re coming from. I
hope that’s growth, and I hope that never stops.

But yeah, I’m 32 now, and I’m like damn some people are raising children at
this age now. My uncle was in his early 30s when he adopted me and we fought a
lot. Now I get it, because at this point in my life I feel like I couldn’t
possibly raise a child with wisdom and assertiveness and patience.

~~~
mmsimanga
Perhaps I can add my interpretation. In college, we did a great deal drinking
and went to great lengths to find the coolest bar/pub night club. We
graduated, got married, had kids and now spend our time fixing our homes. Most
of us drink very little or in my case literally stopped drinking. Every once
in a while a friend from college will pop into town and ask me to go
drinking/partying/looking for the coolest pub. I always marvel at how some of
my friends never changed. They still drink like we in college, which was a
good 20 years ago in my case.

~~~
mercer
While there are many factors that play a role in 'growing up', I do think you
make a valuable point in highlighting drinking as a salient factor. Looking at
my peers (early- to mid-thirties), drinking habits seem to correlate more than
even 'big' things like marrying or having kids.

------
nicklaf
Though I cannot speak from experience, I recall reading similar reflections by
G.C. Rota in his marvelous Indiscrete Thoughts (p. 203):

 _My late friend Stan Ulam used to remark that his life was sharply divided
into two halves. In the first half, he was always the youngest person in the
group; in the second half, he was always the oldest. There was no transitional
period.

I realize how right he was. The etiquette of old age does not seem to have
been written up, and we have to learn it the hard way. It depends on a basic
realization, which takes time to adjust to. You must realize that, after
reaching a certain age, you are no longer viewed as a person. You become an
institution, and you are treated in the way institutions are treated. You are
expected to behave like a piece of period furniture, an architectural
landmark, or an incunabulum.

It matters little whether you keep publishing or not. If your papers are no
good, they will say, "What did you expect? He is a fixture!" and if an
occasional paper of yours is found to be interesting, they will say, "What did
you expect? He has been working at this all his life!" The only sensible
response is to enjoy playing your newly-found role as an institution._

~~~
AstralStorm
It is only because we let others dehumanize is this way. In fact we do that
all the time by setting up institutions with built in hidden ageism. Both
ways.

We set up stereotypes and expectations which while generally accurate (when
tuned, and they take a long time to tune), are not accurate in particular.

People mature at very different rates after all.

The main sociobiological difference over time is conservatism and reflex,
which are not set in stone either.

------
modernerd
“You don’t quit skating cause you get old, you get old because you quit
skating.”

— Skateboarder Jay Adams, 1961-2014

I am nearing 40 and recently took up skateboarding.

Naturally before I did so I searched for, “Am I too old to start
skateboarding?”, fully expecting the result to be “yes!” and wondering whether
or not I would let that stop me. I came across this profile of Neal Unger, a
(now) 60+ year-old man who took up skateboarding in his late 50s:

[https://www.absolute-snow.co.uk/articles/youre-never-too-
old...](https://www.absolute-snow.co.uk/articles/youre-never-too-old-to-skate)

YouTube is full of videos of skaters in their 60s, 70s, and 80s, and it
encouraged me to give it a shot.

It's been interesting to experience the reaction from friends, family, and
strangers when I told them I skate, or when I skate in groups of younger
people (they are almost always younger, unless they're the folks running the
skate shop/park).

My conclusion is the same as Pamela Druckerman's in her piece here: grown-ups
don't exist. Your body will age, you will be more conscious of your mortality,
society will judge you or ignore you, and that transition can be really tough.

But you can flip the “age out of wunderkind” feeling she mentions — you can
use the “don't care what you think” attitude that often accompanies getting
older to question the status quo and do the things you want to do anyway. As
you age you can become remarkable not just for the things you have done but
for the things you decide to continue doing — or the things you decide to
start doing. Suppressing your ambition and confining yourself to a subset of
the activities that were once available to you because you feel older or
because “old people don't X” feels like a sad way to live.

~~~
drblast
I'm almost 40 and I've been snowboarding and skateboarding off and on for most
of my life. Recently it's been all snowboarding which I love and will never
stop doing.

A few years ago I started skateboarding again to keep in shape for
snowboarding in the summer. I'm writing this from bed as I'm recovering from
an ACL replacement due to a fall I took skateboarding at that time.

I agree with the "do what you want to" sentiment but sports like skateboarding
are a matter of when you'll get injured, not if. And those injuries have an
impact on other things you might want to do. So be careful.

~~~
kolleykibber
This is why us 40 somethings all take up road cycling. Less stress on the body
but the gear and exhilaration is still there. MTB is still very tempting but
the falls are more frequent.

~~~
modernerd
I see the appeal of road cycling and I investigated it (I'm in a bike-friendly
city that hosts road cycling events) but feel put off by:

\- Sharing roads with fast heavy vehicles at speed.

\- Lycra.

\- The expense. A good road bike seems to cost ~10× more than a great
skateboard or longboard (but about the same as an electric longboard).

\- Friends who've had big crashes on the road; intuitively it feels like it
should be safer than mountain biking, but I'm not so sure.

~~~
jacquesm
> Sharing roads with fast heavy vehicles at speed.

Carefully plot your routes.

> Lycra.

No need for that bs, a t-shirt, jeans and good shoes are all you need.

> The expense. A good road bike seems to cost ~10× more than a great
> skateboard or longboard (but about the same as an electric longboard).

You can buy great used bikes for relatively little money. I just bought a top
of the line roadbike that's a bit older for $200 which I used regularly,
another for $150, which I converted into a hometrainer:

[https://jacquesmattheij.com/trainification](https://jacquesmattheij.com/trainification)

Don't fret about the quality of the bike, until you reach competition level it
is totally unimportant. I regularly pass people on _much_ better bikes with
all the goodies and just yesterday I in turn was passed by someone in at least
their sixties on a bike that was much older than mine and I wouldn't have been
able to catch him no matter how hard I tried. The bike rarely matters.

> Friends who've had big crashes on the road; intuitively it feels like it
> should be safer than mountain biking, but I'm not so sure.

I've crashed pretty hard about 2 years ago. It was my own fault, riding a
recumbent on a regular road. Still, I got lucky, broke my leg badly but
nothing else.

~~~
shortoncash
You probably already know this, but if you're road cycling any distance at
all, lycra is your friend. When you cross 85-100mi, the quality of your
clothing makes all the difference in the world.

~~~
jacquesm
The vast majority of the people I see riding on Saturdays and Sundays on their
$4K bikes dressed out like they're leading the charge for the Tour de France
tend to do distances where there really is no difference in what you wear. My
own trips max out at about 100k / day and I'm far more worried about sunburn,
flats, insect swarms or getting caught in bad weather than I am about skin
abrasion, absorption or cooling.

If you do go for competition cycling then maybe it is worth it to you to spend
the extra $ but for the most part it seems to me that people just love to have
an excuse to spend their $ to look like they are professional athletes.

Their bellies usually tell a different story, but fortunately for them lycra
seems to stretch really well ;)

~~~
rhizome
You ride 100KM in jeans without chafing?

~~~
wink
Learn from MTB riders - padded lycra pants and some shorts on top :) Doesn't
look completely ridiculous and still comfortable after 3h.

~~~
rhizome
I'm a pot-bellied Fred who wears full spandex and I wouldn't have it any other
way.

~~~
wink
I applaud you, I just don't like it, so I'll compromise - I'm only judging my
own looks :)

~~~
rhizome
I don't doubt that it looks ridiculous, merely because the opinion is so
widely held and expressed, but function dictates form in this instance.

~~~
jacquesm
Well, you've got my vote. I merely wanted to point out that an expensive
outfit is not a requirement to starting out cycling and that you can do some
pretty good rides without. If it works for you then that's great, and I'm
happy to see you cycling, whatever you're wearing. The activity is what
matters. If you ever make it to my neck of the woods consider yourself invited
for a trip.

------
jernfrost
I turned 40 this year. It is definitely a time you start thinking about your
past and the future ahead of you. I think about health problems you can
develop, like bad back, bad knees, obesity etc. My dad was very slim and fit
in his 30s, but I remember how fat he got in his 40s and how he later
developed diabetes because of it.

I also really miss the excitement and novelty I felt about things when I was
younger. I look at my kids, how the smallest things are so fun and exciting
for them. Now so much just feel like so much like "been there, done that". If
If watch a movie, it all feels so predictable. If I travel, there doesn't seem
like anything ever seems fresh or new anymore.

Perhaps because the world has become more similar. You can buy the same stuff
anywhere in the world and the same chain stores are all over the world.

It also feels like I haven't quite followed up with expectations. When I visit
the homes of parents of my kids playmates, their houses look so proper and
serious. I feel I can't have people on visit because I still got half
assembled 3D printers and robots in the living room. I feel like somebody who
doesn't really want to grow up, but everybody is pushing me in that direction,
even myself in the sense that I can't feel the same geek appreciating for
technology. Technology feels less and less exciting and more like tools with a
purpose. They have no intrinsic value as novelties or coolness.

Strangely I seem to care way more about people than technology. Do other ex-
geeks/present geeks feel this way? Like tech stuff just isn't as interesting
anymore. You get more interested in people? I think it is more fun to teach
technology or write about it now, than actually doing it.

~~~
groby_b
Yes, health starts creeping in - it's inevitable. (I'll be reaching 50 in a
year, so I've done that 40's gig almost up to the next promotion ;)

But excitement and novelty? Every day. You get more _discerning_ in what you
do, but there's plenty of interesting stuff. And yes, people are more
interesting than tech - they're slightly less predictable.

You might want to question why you litter your living room with it if it
doesn't feel interesting, though.

FWIW, for me the 40s were about defining who I really am. It's taken a lot of
work, but it's given me so much freedom. I _know_ who I am. I don't need to
prove myself anymore. I don't need to do things because other people tell me
I'll like them. I can make decisions knowing they rest within my values, not
pushed by external sources.

It sounds like you're starting to look at that question, too. I'd recommend
doing it with professional guidance (therapist/life coach/priest/whathaveyou),
it's easier that way.

~~~
taurath
I’m in my early 30s and watching how my friends are “progressing” on the
novelty curve is interesting, especially as it comes to tech and pastimes. We
were all big gamers for a long while, and while I’m much more interested in
people they still churn through the games. I kind of wonder if there is a
natural point of when it all starts to feel the same, or whether it’s really
possible to get be that sense of novelty forever. I guess people can be film
buffs all their lives!

~~~
emodendroket
I'm soon turning 30. I still like games but I can't do the treadmill of new
releases anymore; the games I have interest in playing are much fewer and
focused in fewer genres. Increasingly I gravitate toward skill-based arcade-
style games and competitive games and away from anything with a story and
console-style progression.

------
woliveirajr
> (Irritatingly, men are “monsieur” forever.)

Well, they might be called "monsieur" in a French Cafe, but it is in the
relation with youger ones that the difference arrives, even for men.

The tone used changes, so being a man and being called a "sir" with a
different tone, followed by a different look , also makes you remind that
you're over 40. Or when younger ones offer to help you (!) with a mobile (!!)
or even how to open a door with one of those "security" mechanisms, like
contact card or something like that (just because you tried to tap someplace
and the sensor, actually, was 2 inches further to the left).

Those small punches of realitty, remembering that some people see you as some
"old man" can be disturbing.

~~~
bambax
>> (Irritatingly, men are “monsieur” forever.)

Yeah, this isn't true. Young men are called "jeune homme" in cafés and such.

And then when you get older there comes a time when you're called "jeune
homme" again, in a weird sarcastic-but-kind way. You will hear very old men be
called "jeune homme" all the time, and then everyone laughs. Apparently it's a
joke that never gets old.

(Source: am French).

~~~
emodendroket
People in the US love making essentially the same crack about "young men" and
"young ladies."

------
WalterBright
I'm well past 40. And it comes with certain advantages. I no longer worry
about what other people think about things I like.

I like disco music, a lot. I also like easy listening music from the 1960's, a
lot.

Football is incredibly boring.

So there :-)

~~~
zerr
Do you mean Football or that sport where armoured people play with Rugby ball?
Anyway, both are boring :)

~~~
fooker
Oooh, you mean hand-egg?

------
ghostcluster
This seemed more, "I'm in my 40s and will write a few contemplative
existential paragraphs about it" rather than _any_ sort of how-to guide.

I am reminded again that NYTimes editors are not above resorting to exploiting
clickbait headlines.

~~~
jbattle
I took as the point of the article

THERE IS NO HOW-TO GUIDE

You arrive, disoriented, at "real adulthood" and realize you don't have THE
answers, and also that no one else does either

~~~
justherefortart
Nah, there are lots of answers. Whether they're correct or not, that's up for
debate.

By your 40s most people are set in stone in their ways. I'm sure I'm no
different even though I try to be as flexible as I was in my 20s. Easier said
than done though.

------
lordelph
I'm 47. I don't worry about age that much, but I recently had a fitness
checkup at a gym. I'm no great athlete but I do run and cycle a bit. I
mentioned I was training for a marathon.

The instructor, in her 30s, encouragingly exclaimed "ooh, you're doing very
well for someone nearly in their 50s"

I'd never felt so old in my life :(

~~~
modbait
Just wait until people start opening doors for you next year.

~~~
hinkley
I’m the strongest I’ve been since 25 and every time I go to the pet store they
ask if I need help getting the 40lb bag of cat litter to the car.

...

When I’m feeling salty I will buy two bags or a 20lbs bag of food just so I
can throw 60-80 lbs in my shoulder and strut out of the store.

------
clumsysmurf
> What we lack in processing power we make up for in maturity, insight and
> experience.

> ... But what unsettles me most about the 40s is the implication that I’m now
> a grown-up myself. I fear I’ve been promoted beyond my competence.

I struggled with this in my last software development position. Most of the
developers I worked with were in their 20s. They just assumed because of my
age, I was a 'senior' developer / all knowing and capable of coding circles
around everyone.

But I'm only an average developer, as I get older I learn & gain wisdom but
don't feel automatically more productive writing lines of code. Maybe I make
less mistakes so that translates to productivity. Yet, I struggle with the
software written by younger and probably smarter people - less experienced -
but who managed with great intellect to get garbage working our of sheer
willpower + brute force.

~~~
randomsearch
> but who managed with great intellect to get garbage working our of sheer
> willpower + brute force.

If you're older and wiser, you can outperform less experienced people by
careful consideration of what you should do and how best to do it. Brains over
brawn.

~~~
WalterSear
There's an upper limit on that.

Moreover, the assumption that the wisdom of age can outperform the speed of
youth is simplistic and as much based on cultural tropes as empirically fact.

------
Schiphol
I keep reading that people become aware of their own mortality in their 40s.
Is this a common experience? I've been acutely aware, and terrified, of it
since I can remember. If anything, I find that I have better emotional tools
to manage this awareness now in my 40s than ever before.

~~~
DanielBMarkham
It was for me. I buried several dear and close family members.

Oddly enough, this is an advantage in life that combat soldiers have that most
modern people don't. Once you get to know and like somebody and they die --
right in front of you -- it changes you. Do that a dozen times and you realize
that nobody's getting out of here alive. It's just a matter of when you punch
your ticket.

I don't fear death like I used to. I think about what having a "good death"
means: how I want to experience my last days. I also find that reminding
myself of my imminent death is a good way to stay focused on my mission.

Put differently, when I was younger all I thought about was myself. Now that
I'm older and have watched people come and go, I realized that for all intents
and purposes, I never existed. I'm just here an extremely brief moment to hang
out and see some stuff. To the universe, I'm like a gnat. (I half-joke with my
friends and tell them I'm an anti-solipsist. It's more true than joke)

Combine that with the second great truth about life, dying is one of the most
natural processes there is. Everything dies. No matter who can think of,
they've either already died or are about to die. It is no more unusual than
breathing. Or sleeping. From the outside, it looks like some people do it well
and some poorly.

These two things are not depressing as long as I keep my focus outside myself.
What have I decided my mission in life is? How's that mission going? Who am I
helping? How can I help them better today? You stop looking at yourself and
start looking out in the distance, the rest of this stuff is motivational, not
depressing.

ADD: One of the implications of this line of thinking is that people in pre-
industrial societies, where there were large families, lots of exposure to
death growing up, and perhaps a more solid external value system instilled in
childhood? They may have had a much better opportunity at a happier life early
on than we do.

~~~
arkades
> people in pre-industrial societies, where there were large families, lots of
> exposure to death growing up,

Considering how much time and energy was devoted to ideological systems
centered on denying the finality of death, I have a feeling they didn't have
any healthier an attitude towards it than we do.

Though, having dealt with a number of dying patients and their families, it
would be great if people in the US could at least get past the denial stage
and accept that dying is a real thing. It's not giving up, it's not failure,
it's not whatever; it's the way we all end up.

------
jedberg
> But the number 40 still has symbolic resonance. Jesus fasted for 40 days.
> Muhammad was 40 when the archangel Gabriel appeared to him. The Israelites
> wandered the desert for 40 years. Mr. Brandes writes that in some languages,
> 40 means “a lot.”

The word that appears a lot in the hebrew texts that they translate to "40"
didn't actually mean that in context. It should more be translated to
"gazillions". It was a word that just meant "an unimaginably huge amount".
That's why it shows up so much in biblical things.

~~~
Cthulhu_
I recall hearing from a colleague who is a bit of a language buff that there's
a language where there's only one number above five (or something like that),
which translates to "a lot".

~~~
bikitan
This might be a reference to the mythology that has developed around cultures
and languages that don't count above a certain low number, as in a counting
system that goes 'one, two, many.'

[https://numberwarrior.wordpress.com/2010/07/30/is-one-two-
ma...](https://numberwarrior.wordpress.com/2010/07/30/is-one-two-many-a-myth/)

~~~
labster
[https://www.xkcd.com/1070/](https://www.xkcd.com/1070/)

------
alokitr
Not even there yet (the 40 years old limit), but close enough to agree with
most points in the article. The one interesting change is that you lose
"meaning" now (described as milestones in the article), which is... weird. I'm
still unsure how to cope. Creating "meaning" for others (either your
kids/relatives or just complete strangers) seems to be a valid way forward,
but I am contemplating with the idea you don't really need "meaning" in life.
Just living it might be enough. Not sure though.

------
DanielBMarkham
This was nice. It wasn't a great piece, but it was well-done. Great voice and
cogent flow. Far too often that's not the case any more, sadly. I liked it.

I just turned 53, and the thesis the author finally makes resonates with me.
In your 40s, you are "done". You aren't finished. It's not that you can't
change your life and do wonderful things. It's that a great degree of mystery
and worrying about your future has now concluded. When you're 20 and think
about doing some incredible thing, it's almost like it's a different person,
perhaps some super-cool version of yourself. When you're 50 and think about
doing an incredible thing, it's you. You know who you are.

It's much better at 50 than it was at 30, oddly enough. For me, my mid-20s
through my late 30s was a bit of a struggle.

There is one major downside to pushing past 40: prejudice and patronizing by
young people. It's natural in your teens to turn to your peers for validation
and for it to start being terribly important who the cool kids are. For a lot
of people in their teens, twenties, and beyond, they look at older folks and
the major feeling that comes across their face is "You're not really hitting
on much, are you grandpa?" You can see it in their looks, you can hear it in
their voice. It's not everybody, mind you, but it's enough to notice.

My stepdad was a WWII vet, a cranky old guy. I loved him. But I realized after
getting to know him for many years that he avoided younger people. It wasn't
that he didn't like them. He liked sharing ideas and discussing things with
everybody. He just had better things to do than put up with their patronizing
prejudicial bullshit.

When I finally figured it out, it didn't make sense to me. Now that I'm on
"the other side", so to speak, I can see where he's coming from. I don't agree
with his decision, but it's understandable.

Still, overall, after 40 life sort of opens up again, like it did in your
teenage years, only this time you don't have all the psychological baggage you
had back in the day. I'm looking forward to seeing where all of this goes!

~~~
taurath
I kind of wonder if the geniuses in their 20s doing great things do so because
they’re already in the 40s mindset of not having a bunch of psychological
baggage. It seems often that folks come from somewhat priviledged backgrounds
and tend not to lack for confidence

------
antibland
The most significant change I've noticed in myself after 40 is a refreshing
lack of reckless excitement and energy expenditure over shiny new ideas and
projects. I do only what I believe I want to do, and nothing more. The result
is that I do very few things, yet do them well.

------
draven
French here, I remember there's been a push against the use of "Mademoiselle"
as a title by feminist groups, and it's not really used anymore for official
administrative documents. See here:
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mademoiselle_(title)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mademoiselle_\(title\))

I also remember when young people began to address me as "Monsieur" when
asking for time/directions/whatever, I instantly felt old so it's kind of the
same when you're male.

------
erikb
"haha, women problems", right?

I'm a man who is now 32 years old. I honestly feel the same in quite a few
regards. Certainly I don't feel grownup, or old. When people call me the local
equivalent of "mister" I'm surprised.

But in the end all of this doesn't really matter. One needs to make the most
out of every day no matter how old one is.

~~~
alokitr
It's not the same. Been at your place, it's just funny (and illustrating) at
32. I guess you will see for yourself ?

------
antirez
I'm 41 now, but around 36/37 something odd started happening. When I hit the
gym teenagers in the locker room would say "good evening sir". As you can
guess the percentage of "sir" raises every year :-D At first I tried to
compensate deadlifting more than them but now I must feel happy if I can
retain my previous year lifts.

------
BrandoElFollito
I am 47 and never learned in my life as much as I do it today (and have great
fun with this), despite getting a PhD in physics at 27 and traveling the world
10 years ago.

I also lost 15 kg last year without real efforts and am biking again to work
for now 4 years.

I am happy to be experienced and pass this wisdom to my children. I am also
happy to cheer up when they succeed (or yell at them when they behave like
idiots).

It is just that I feel that I am the essence of pure brilliantism (if there is
such a word, derived from brilliant), with a lot of humility on top :)

I have never been so good that in my late 40', even if there are pills to
swallow and my elbow hurts.

------
hdizzle123
Reaching 40s has been brutal for me. I dont have the illusion of starting off
on a shiny new project because I am perhaps too jaded with all such projects
that either never got off ground or failed miserably in the past. But its also
the question of what sort of legacy will I leave for my children as I
understand more of myself and hte person I have become. The mortality question
often comes up, but more in regard to how my family will end up without me (in
terms of finances and such). While life has worked out good so far, I have
never been so acutely aware of my weaknesses as I am now and that hurts.

------
callesgg
I feel she is not describing being 40 she is describing being human.

It is very hard to filter out your experiences in regards to one aspect of
yourself.

An example of this that i have found in my life is people taking a group they
think they are a part of, Then assuming that they understand how everyone in
that group thinks.

A common example of this being some men thinking they can talk for all men in
general. Or some women talking like they understand how all other women think.

~~~
AstralStorm
I think the last point pertains to all people, and it is just threat women are
slightly more emotional and social that they use this kind of thinking.

You have to remember and remind yourself that mirror neurons reflect others in
terms of you and your experiences. This is valuable for quick thinking on the
spot but should not be the only mode.

Sometimes this can be useful, to notice things introspection had a blind spot
for.

------
gaius
_decide which female customers to downgrade_

The French would not consider it a downgrade but a term of deference and
respect. They don’t think about age like Americans do. Look at Macron and his
wife, he was 15 and she 39 when they met.

~~~
TheBeardKing
I feel like I've been promoted when they stop asking for my ID to buy beer at
the grocery store.

------
RussianBot
The author is married. Available images of her from cursory googling show a
prominent wedding ring. Hence "madame".

Edit: we went to the same high school. I wonder if she had madame softley for
French...

------
punnerud
The sudden switch could be something else. I know waiters that remember wich
“category” you are in based on your last tip several weeks ago. They have a
strong incentive to remember because of the extra money. I can relate from my
part time job at a food store. After one year you start to remember what every
single customer is buying, and what’s differ this week. Not everyone is
probably this way, but you only need that one waiter to influence the rest.

------
amriksohata
Yamraj in the Mahabharata asked Yudhister at the river, what is the greatest
truth in life? Yudhister replied, the greatest truth in this life is, despite
one having to die, man lives like he is going to live forever.

That should answer how to survive in your 40s.

~~~
PaulRobinson
I can interpret that two ways.

1\. I _should_ act like I am going to live forever, take more risks and do not
dwell on the inevitable shortness of my existence

2\. I _should not_ act like I am going to live forever, I should take more
care of myself and value each day for the small precious gem that it is.

Which one does the Mahabharata suggest is the better interpretation, or should
I hold both in my mind at the same time?

~~~
Aaargh20318
You got those mixed up. If you're acting like you're going to live forever you
take less risks (because you have forever to lose). If you're acting like
you're not going to live forever, you can take more risks, you have little to
lose.

------
toolslive
hm, I'm not French (I'm from Belgium) but I was taught the Mademoiselle/Madame
switch had nothing to do with age, but with marital status. Wikipedia seems to
agree:
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/French_honorifics](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/French_honorifics)

~~~
glandium
(I'm french)

Strictly speaking, you're right. Mademoiselle is for unmarried women, and
Madame for married women. It's like Miss vs. Mrs in English. But for some
reason, there's this assumption that older women are married, and younger ones
are not, or something along these lines,

~~~
emodendroket
I don't think the reason is that mysterious.

------
bobthechef
That reference to Kant was...how do I put this charitably...forced.

------
jlebrech
[gender specific article]

------
z_free
doesn't answer the question in the title (1 star)

~~~
zakum1
We need to never stop learning and we need to keep deepening our human
relationships. These both take on new dynamics in our 40s, especially as we
realise we are an older person in most contexts and how quickly that reflects
in how we are treated (the Paris café is a wonderful example of so much of
this experience)

