
Bye HN: Existentially-rational, self-termination - himom
I’m not depressed, sad, angry, hurt, drunk, high or self-injurious... I’m just tired of boredom, misery and wasting. I’m homeless in a vehicle that doesn’t work in a parking lot that’s not precisely safe.<p>The following is text of an email to the only person I know, my mother:<p>9 years of living homeless is enough. I have no purpose and no future. I have to stop idling and face reality. I have nothing, am nothing, provide nothing, can’t interact with people and offer nothing. I’m tired of all of it. I don’t have anything to do and refuse to do pointless “painting for dementia patients” meaningless “work” that doesn’t change anything. I can’t think of anything worth doing, I can’t think anymore (cognitive decline) and I don’t have any means to do anything if I did. It’s not your fault, it’s bad genetic dice and my fault for where I’m at. My mind is failing, my health is failing in multiple ways and I can’t keep delaying the inevitable.<p>I wish this didn’t have to be so but wishing doesn’t help the facts. I’m a parasite whose lifecycle needs to expire sooner rather than later, so you must let me go. There is no viable alternative that I can think of that I could live with. I don’t want to live in this failing world anymore and I’m failing too. There’s nothing for me here or anywhere. I can’t build anything, I can’t do anything, I can’t have friends, I can’t have a family... so I don’t want to live.<p>It’s over.
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raleighm
I’m sure the folks you’ve engaged with here at HN over past 7 months would
want you to call a crisis number. If you value HN enough to post here, do
them/us that favor?

Not sure what country you’re in so:
[https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines)

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resource0x
I went through some of your posts - you are certainly a very rational person.
The problem with rationality is that it is very sensitive to inputs. You
believe something is true, and from there, you deduce that your life is
meaningless. The problem is: you antecedent is wrong! E.g. you write: > With
deep learning, actuaries were inevitably, mostly obsolete, at some point. It’s
unpleasant to think, that in a way, tech can now readily disrupt nearly any
arbitrary office-worker knowledge industry at will, destroying businesses and
specialties and concentrate both capability and wealth in ever fewer hands.
Coding isn’t a “forever” specialty either... self-coding machines will create
languages, protocols and systems humans will likely be unable to understand,
limit, modify, monitor or audit.

Here, you bought into hype. There's nothing the current form of AI will
disrupt except maybe most routine worker jobs that must be automated anyway.
AI is 1% of substance and 99% of propaganda, it will achieve very little, and
the hype will stop pretty soon. And this is not the only piece of propaganda
you believe in (based on some other posts I don't cite here).

I am familiar with feedback loop: you get in trouble, become pessimistic, and
chose to believe only in things that align with you pessimism. Being a
rational person, you should become aware of that and reconsider.

If you want to drop me a line, my email is in the profile.

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jmcminis
Your email and post/comment history seem quite cogent. You still have the
ability to write clearly and effectively. Please consider your options. Reach
out to someone locally for help/contact. I would be surprised if there weren’t
something you could work productively towards.

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raleighm
What type of work would you like to be doing? What do you feel is standing in
your way? You mentioned your mom is the only person you know, does that mean
you don't have many sounding-boards? The title indicates you want to do what’s
rational. I do my worst thinking when I’m stuck in my own head. Path out
usually emerges after speaking with others (as diverse as possible).

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robertpelloni
I lived in a parking lot for 3 years. I wish I would have just gotten a basic
job in order to get an apartment to stabilize my mental health and bootstrap
to something better. It really takes a toll on your emotions and ability to
think clearly to not have any stability.

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erric
I don’t know about your situation, save what you have written here. I’m sure
there are many aspects of your existence I won’t understand.

You say you’re not sad, angry or self-harming, however reading your post does
give me pause to think that you may be in these states.

Is this a thought experiment? Do you have a plan? Do you have a date or time
set?

If you do, please talk with someone about it.

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dorfsmay
To OP: please call a crisis line.

Suicide is cutting out options. By living you still keep all options open,
including suicide. So there is nothing to lose by delaying your decision.

I'm sure at least once in your life you've experienced people giving you ideas
you had not thought about... Reach out to people, talk your situation though
with people. Why not exploring other options?

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codingdave
You are 100% depressed and self-injurious. Being calm and collected about it
doesn't mean you aren't in those states. Call someone and get some help.

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FuckOffNeemo
himom, give me a call.

Chances are we aren't in the same country but it's no effort of mine to put
time aside for you. I'll make it work.

Here's my email: jonathon @ jdtay dot com

We can exchange numbers via email (forgive me for not wanting it out in a high
transit, publicly presented page such as HN).

From one person with their own demons to another, I extend my hand out to you.
I hope this gets to you in time.

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seorphates
I can't just let this go by because I'm fearful and hopeful so I'm designing
my own scenarios and outcomes for this because I'd rather it end well. This
should be a prelude to a bigger, longer story, no? One where the hero makes it
past chapter 1. One where a mother doesn't actually read that note because it
was never sent. One where our hero catches a single, tiny glimpse of what life
is and can be and manages to hold on against furious odds and for many
chapters.

A tiny glimpse, a blade of grass or a chattering wren. Anything. A perspective
through the eyes of another and reflection through the eyes of a mother. You
against you is a battle that only you can win but you simply cannot win if the
field is empty. One will always be grabbing on to the slimmest of threads and
weaving a garden even through horrors and dread. And there's help. There is
definitely help.

It looks like you're in that place where serenity and reason is a mask for an
inhospitable calm, a dreamscape that is not a dream where security and sense
of self can be left behind simply by dropping what you're holding on to and no
longer or or realize that you were holding onto anything at all.. Find the
thread and pick it up. Please. You've just penned the beginning of a story
that many are now reading. It's the little things and, in a larger sense, this
is no longer just you and your mother. Consider the offers here. You've
reached out now grab a hold.

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kej
I don't know you or what your life is like, but I can tell you that I've been
in a very similar mental place and I can tell you that your mind is lying to
you right now.

Please seek help. There are lots of options and possibilities, but your brain
is trying to convince you that those options don't exist.

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mabynogy
You're objectively depressed. Who would happy with no home, no job and no
friends nor an helpful family?

The first step is to find a place to live. It's very bad for the moral.

You have something to do in this world but you don't know it yet. It must be
something constructive like raising kids.

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with_a_herring
Okay, we're in an existential and metaphysical (meaning of Life) thread.
Please let me give you a metaphysical and seemingly irrational answer.
Irrational doesn't prevent truth, btw. So here it is : I gave my life away to
God (and try to remember doing it every day), because I realized at some point
that I cannot make it meaningful nor make it meet my requirements. What
happened is that He transformed me (and still does). Think of it (if you can)
: God is your creator. He knows you better than yourself. He knows why you
were created. He's allowing this world to stay alive, not to prolong
suffering, but so that everyone can be with Him, well and alive, for now and
for eternity. He loves (i.e. wants the best for someone) each one of us in the
strongest way. What proof do I have for this statement ? Well, I found that in
the Bible (the most read book in the world). Every day, I'm getting better
(still suffering, of course, but for a reason) in this crazy world : It's not
a psychological crutch, it's a real relationship with someone, who happens to
be the best possible and most loving person. How does it work ? Forget your
pride. You pray (i.e. talk to your creator, in all honesty), He answers. Also,
you read the Bible, you get answers. Guaranteed (by God himself).

PS : There are free & offline apps to read the Bible.

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hungerstrike
Before you give up, try living for others to ease _their_ pain. Even simple
things can help, such as holding a door open for people. Older people need a
lot of help.

Your physical vehicle of consciousness gives you opportunities that you just
can’t have if you’re not here. Are you sure that you’ve tried everything that
you can and that every attempt has been perfectly executed with the
necessarily correct attitude?

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taxicabjesus
> It’s over.

This depends on which philosophic overview is correct. If the physicalists are
basically right, and conciousness is a result of chemical processes, self-
exterminating would indeed end your predicament.

But if the animists are correct, self-terminating your current physical body
won't actually solve anything for you. You'll go through a period of
"confusion", then a life review. Eventually you'll have to start over:
gestation, birth, a few years of being basically helpless... Hopefully you can
avoid the pitfalls you've experienced this time, next time around.

Sticking with your current body, and figuring your way out of your
predicament, is actually much easier than starting over from scratch. Help is
always available, if you seek it out: 'ask, and ye shall receive, search and
the door shall be opened to you.'

Recommended reading: _Far Journeys_ , by Robert Monroe.

~~~
ripsawridge
+1. There are other ways of looking at what you are and what this world might
be. You are defining yourself by what you appear to be here. You are much
more.

What if the meaning of your life right now is to have lost the thread of
meaning? You are traversing a knife-edged ridge. I wish you good will, and
come safely through.

