
The Shy Connector - cleaver
http://www.slideshare.net/sachac/the-shy-connector
======
icebraining
Slightly offtopic: I think a lot of introverts are considered shy unfairly.

I'm an introvert myself, and I've been always described as "shy", but I don't
think I am. I have never had any problems with meeting new people, even if
they supposedly "outrank" me. (In fact, as an anecdote, on my first job
interview the interviewer remarked she was surprised at how relaxed I was).

I tend to be quiet for two reasons. First, do you know that common saying that
says that a real friend is someone who can sit with you in silence? Yeah, I
can sit with _anyone_ in silence. Never feels awkward to me.

Second, I hate, truly hate small talk. When I watched George Carlin's People
are Boring[1] I found myself violently agreeing. And since I instinctively
follow the golden rule in those cases, and I know my interests are unusual, I
tend to avoid boring others by staying quiet.

What I really need is a way to distinguish true interest from politeness. But
unfortunately that seems to be far too common a defect.

Any other introverts who don't consider themselves shy?

[1]: <http://youtu.be/eyWsFfd9pqE>

~~~
wallflower
> Any other introverts who don't consider themselves shy?

In this society, I think there is pressure for someone who has a shy friend to
label them not shy. Maybe because it makes them feel better. To put inordinate
emphasis on examples of their friend not being shy to support their argument
that the friend is not shy. I think, in general, people will bolster whatever
argument they want to bolster. To some friends, I may come across as not shy -
but the reality is: Even though I do like being around people, as much I may
regret/feel the pangs of being lonely sometimes, I prefer solitude and hiding
in my cave regularly. Maybe that is being shy.

As an example, the other day, I was referencing being shy and my friend's wife
called me out on it. She claimed that I knew a lot of people (true) in a large
number of areas (true). If I am not shy, then how did I meet these people? My
answer was that I when I get focused on a project (be it, salsa dancing,
learning how to draw/paint, helping a non-profit) - I get uber focused. In
this situations, I draw people in because I am supremely interested in soaking
up as much as I can about the project du jour. I recognize that I don't know
much - I excel in situations where I don't know much but want to know more -
and I find, especially, in non-technology situations - that you can't just
Google it - you have to talk to actual people. However, most of these people I
know - it is a very loose connection - we're not friends per se just friendly.
I just know lots of people because I have lots of interests.

I can't talk sports (didn't grow up watching football on TV like many of my
peers). I can't talk politics. But I am an extremely good listener - I can
draw people out on a one-to-one basis and get them to really talk about what
is important to them. Not always, of course (I usually have my force fields
up). However, being able to connect with someone on a non-superficial basis is
a joy in my life - and it usually happens within minutes - when it happens. It
is much harder to engage a group. In fact, at parties, I will be intensely
soaking up the conversation (saying nothing but totally being a sponge) and my
friends (extroverts) will ask me later - very annoying btw - whether I am
having a good time. Usually, I am because I love hearing about other people's
lives. In a group situation, I am definitely more passive - and could be seen
as a non-participant. And in a way, I am. But I am listening to _everyone_ and
_everything_.

So I am not shy on a one-to-one basis. Does that count?

When I look at true extroverts, I marvel at their ability to work the room. To
seamlessly jump from group to group. That skill can be taught - but it is more
than a skill - it is a leap beyond being wrapped up in yourself, thinking that
everyone is thinking about you.

~~~
cleaver
Sounds like me in a way... I love to talk to someone interesting one on one,
but I don't tend to interact as much as a group.

I do have a theory that a lot of the people who engage you in smalltalk also
have similar dislike for the practice, but they've been assured again and
again that this is something they must do.

~~~
wallflower
Next time someone asks 'What do you do?' (and it is obvious they are just
going through the motions)

As an experiment, I recommend you try this: 'Do you really want to talk about
that? Let's talk about something we both find interesting'

~~~
ollysb
The question is what are you both going to find interesting? Smalltalk is what
you're doing while you try to find something that you're both interested in.

------
philco
This is incredible.

Says more about what people should do to grow their network than countless
books have by so called "experts".

------
jseban
Very interesting.

I think you can also turn this around:

 _2000 Twitter followers._ _900 blog subscribers._ _800 Facebook friends._
_700 LinkedIn contact._ _Countless presentations._ _You can't be shy."_

to say:

"you havn't made any presentations?" "you have no blog subscribers?" "you have
no tweets?"

...

"you havn't made any performances?" "you have made no writings available?"

=> You're not an extrovert!

It would be nice to have a word for the type of people who actively and
volontarily reaches out to an audience when they feel that they have something
that might be useful to others.

As opposed to just "extrovert" which might as well someone who is all talk, a
bullshitter, or a lier.

Performer?

------
bipolarla
We are all naturally shy. The most effective leaders learn to come out of
their shell. Business is often based on building connections. How many CEO's,
founders, and leaders all know each other. It is for this reason companies are
often drawn to Silicon Valley, New York and now China. It is so important to
build your confidence to meet others. I know computers allow connection it is
helpful to build both online and in person networking. We are moving more and
more to an online world but I believe there is value in looking someone in the
eyes (either in person or on Skype).

~~~
kingkawn
This is really not true. Watching my niece grow up from birth has proven to me
that some people are simply outgoing. She didn't learn it, she just was it
from the get go. maybe others learn to be shy and then have to spend a lot of
effort unlearning it. and of course there are many people are are naturally
shy. But not by any means all of us.

~~~
pjscott
We are all pretty similar to me. At least, _I_ am.

(I think the general term for this is the typical mind fallacy: we all model
others by generalizing from ourselves. It's usually a pretty reasonable way
for our minds to work; after all, as humans we are much more alike than we are
different.)

------
nhebb
In a room full of introverts, I'm the guy in the corner. Well, at programmer
meetups I am, anyway. Shy and introverted are two different things, but in
either case it extends to electronic interactions as much as it does to person
to person interactions. Plus, I think an person who makes presentations may be
shy, but they are still outgoing by most standards.

~~~
cleaver
Actually making presentations changes things a lot for a person. I've seen
people who spoke so softly you could barely hear them improve dramatically
with some practice. Try joining Toastmasters.

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zerostar07
Dude, it's OK that you 're an extrovert, take it easy.

~~~
ugh
Ahem, does that presentation say anything else? It’s explicitly about people
who are introverts. It doesn’t mention or target extroverts at all. It doesn’t
say anything whatsoever negative about extroverts or imply that there is
anything wrong with them.

~~~
zerostar07
You don't get my point. The author claims that he does all that because he is
an introvert which is not the case at all. Introverts do not try so hard to
make themselves generally available. It's a choice.

There's a certain ring to being an introvert lately I think? Maybe it's the
new chic? A revival of teenage angst? In any case call a spade a spade.

~~~
kevingadd
Yeah, because being overwhelmed by prolonged social interaction and preferring
to spend time alone makes you an extrovert.

What???

~~~
zerostar07
The whole presentation is about how to _avoid_ being all that.

~~~
ugh
It’s about getting the best of both worlds. It’s about getting some of the
benefits of being an extrovert without having to act (because that’s how it
feels to introverts) like one.

