
Widows on the Pain of Dining Alone - NaOH
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/11/01/reader-center/readers-grief-dining.html
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m_fayer
I don't want to denigrate the contents of this article. But has anyone else
noticed that over the last few years the NYT has slowly become more and more
of a "lifestyle blog" or "thinkpiece farm"? This sort of writing has value,
but I used to rely on the NYT for journalism - of the sort that has reporters
at all corners of the globe, talking to people, uncovering paper trails, doing
research. It seems to publish less and less of that these days.

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krastanov
It is certainly frustrating for me that they do little to distinguish "NYT
newspaper" from "NYT magazine". The newspaper is still what you remember, in
the same quantity and quality. It is just that the magazine has grown a lot
and is occasionally more visible. To be clear, the magazine is high quality,
but it is not what I am interested in.

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m_fayer
I take pains to "configure" my consumption of their content, and best I can
tell, the quantity of the high-quality stuff has declined. A meaty well-
researched article hits the world/business/tech/science sections only a few
times a week.

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stevoski
This article is spot on.

Being triggered with memories of your loss every time you go to the
supermarket, not eating properly to the point of experiencing easily avoided
physical problems...

It is probably hard for many to understand until you've been there.

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m0zg
As someone 20 years into my marriage, I can totally imagine the loss like this
being something I wouldn't ever be able to overcome, and I'm a (presumably
less sensitive) male. Things aren't always great, but then you think of all
those years and shared moments lived together, and realize that it's not
really feasible, or even desirable to live apart anymore. The whole is truly
greater than the sum of its parts.

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DoreenMichele
_and I 'm a (presumably less sensitive) male._

Men typically end up more emotionally dependent on their wife. When a marriage
ends, women are usually financially devastated. Men are emotionally devastated
and don't know how to recover.

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PedroBatista
I wish someone actually studied this. Is it social circle? They never have
been taught to deal with emotions as good as women? It’s in women’s DNA? It’s
differences in attachment like men profoundly think they are a team? It’s the
reality ( somewhat distorted) that women can easily find a partner, but the
contrary is not true, ie. females do the selection?

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DoreenMichele
Older women cannot easily find a partner. Women live longer than men, so women
outnumber men in old age, and men tend to choose younger partners.

Women tend to be more emotionally savvy than men and tend to have better
social support systems. Men tend to be heavily dependent on their wives for
emotional support.

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mlacks
The idea of leaving my SO alone like this is terrifying, but all the
preparation in the world can't stop chance - I can only control so much. Life
can be cruel sometimes

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IfOnlyYouKnew
One possibly effective strategy would be to invest the work into maintaining
and building new friendships outside your relationship. People often stop
socialising when they are in a relationship, or they leave all of the work
that goes into it to their partner.

So do a bit of that and, if necessary, encourage your your partner. It might
also be possible to encourage friendships you brought into the relationship to
grow to the point where they would work independent of you.

Sometimes this obviously is an effect of having children and therefore not
enough time. But, even then, giving it a higher priority should make it
possible _at least_ to maintain existing relationships over the decade or so
children take the most time. I also know plenty of couples with children that
value relationships and have found any number of ways to accommodate them,
from changing jobs to cut down on commutes to getting multiple families
together for activities they would usually just do with their children, etc.
For the really adventurous, the it-takes-a-village approach to raising a child
also seems to be making a comeback.

Speaking of free love: It seems (if Hollywood is to be believed) that in the
US, people sometimes frown upon their partner having any friends of the
opposite gender. While it's possibly too much to ask for people to completely
free themselves of jealousy, one should at the least not consider such a
policy to be a small ask to make. That's especially true for friendships that
started _before_ the couple even knew each other.

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SyneRyder
_> It seems (if Hollywood is to be believed) that in the US, people sometimes
frown upon their partner having any friends of the opposite gender._

I can't say I've got that impression from US movies, but watching the Chinese
dating TV show "If You Are The One" (airs in primetime with subtitles in
Australia), the women often ask the male candidates to give up all their
female friendships as a condition of dating. (Occasionally the male
contestants will make the same request.) Sometimes the women will allow female
friendships if the male contestant agrees to regularly let them read/approve
the phone messages they send to others. It's been an interesting show to watch
from a cultural perspective.

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newshorts
My mind immediately goes to local dive bars. I’m sure there’s more than a few
folks looking for some distraction from a reality such as this...

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stevoski
I found the underground poker scene to be a nice distraction from the reality.
I got to be around people, and yet they wouldn't ask me bothersome questions.
Additionally, the poker kept my mind focused for a few hours at a time on
something other than the loss.

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Merrill
I wonder whether widows of couples who spend more time apart are similarly
affected? There are many occupations where the husband spends days to weeks
away - truckers, pilots, seamen, oil rig workers, construction workers,
soldiers, etc.

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orev
At least you would know they are still there and you’ll see them again
eventually.

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Merrill
In some cases, such as the wives of Bedford whalers, the voyages may have been
3 years or more and a significant percentage did not return. Before the last
few decades it would have been uncommon to receive daily phone calls.

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wiradikusuma
These days, many couples don't dine in the same table due to work (overtime,
odd working hours in gig economy, night shift), and when they do, they're busy
with their phone.

I'm pretty sure it's not a good thing, but hey at least they won't feel the
pain of dining alone /sarcasm.

