
Ask HN: Tldr due to startup anxiety gf has left me, how do i get her back? - bluebluetimes
My manager at work has been pushing me to the limit and as a result have been carrying a lot of anxiety home leading to a big work induced difference with my gf. Also we have not had physical relationships in months due to this. Added to this my company raised a down round and i had to pay tax on my now worthless options
She is extremely pissed and has left<p>What do i do ? how do i get her back?
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r2dnb
Hi mate, thanks for posting. First of all : get her back in what ? There's no
point in getting her back if it's to put her in the same mess, get your life
sorted first.

It sounds like you successfully identified the cause of this issue. I'll be
honest with you, if you can't change the way you feel when going to work, find
another job.

If I was you, I would quit my job, and after I found another one call my gf,
tell her that I realize I screwed it, that I am very sorry and that I learned
from my mistakes. By doing so, you have proofs that you are serious about it
and she will likely come back.

Edit : But ultimately you need to understand the benefits of changing your
work environment so that even if she doesn't come back you will have no
regret. Keep your life above your work, consider your best interest first.

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jmduke
nota bene, as I've heard many variations on this theme in the past:

When your work causes your personal life to suffer, your manager hasn't pushed
you _to_ the limit. He's pushed you _past_ your limit.

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Gibbon1
First real thing I learned early on was, don't let your manager hurt you. As a
young engineer you have 30-40 years of game to play. And your manager will
happily sacrifice that to make the next deadline. When you're done, he's done
and will get rid of you to make room for the next guy.

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dopesavant
I dont know how I feel about this one. I feel she should be the one
helping/supporting you through your down period and not leaving you when stuff
is messed up

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r2dnb
Man, they didn't have sex for months. The problem comes from the OP, he needs
to build his emotional maturity.

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bluebluetimes
it was due to stress and yelling and tiring her emotionally as well

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lwhalen
Sorry man, she's gone. Get your life straightened out, and find a new one - in
that order.

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dominotw
many fish in the sea. let her go.

~~~
bluebluetimes
she is special

~~~
hamburglar
The answers you get to this question are simply going to reflect the
experiences and priorities of those who respond. At various times in my life,
I'd have either told you "forget her; if you're passionate about your job
that's what's important" or "quit the job; if she's special she's worth
saving." Ignore it all. You're conflicted and the decision is going to be
hard. Girlfriends will often be more demanding of your time than you want them
to be, and more critical of time spent on your job than they should be.
Conversely, employers will often push you to the point of neglecting your home
life, to the detriment of your personal relationships. There's no one answer
that's going to tell you what to do in this situation.

But I can offer some observations based on your post: If she's pissed that you
had to pay taxes due to your down round, that's none of her business. If she's
pissed that you're neglecting your relationship in favor of a questionable
business, it is. If you're carrying anxiety home, you better have a
significant stake in the company or you're jeopardizing your personal life for
little gains. Some might even argue that jeopardizing your personal life for
_any_ monetary gains is a dumb idea. I prefer to stay somewhat agnostic on
that one. If things are so bad that you're not having sex (but want to),
something should change.

If I had to guess just based on what you've written, it sounds like the
miserable part of your life is work, and if not for that, the relationship
would be fine. Down round, anxiety going home with you, paying very real taxes
on something of not-very-real value? These are work problems. If getting your
girlfriend back is really a priority and your work situation is as bad as you
make it out to be, one very viable answer is to quit your job, then call your
girlfriend and say "I figured out that my work situation was the main
impediment to having a good relationship with you. I'd rather have you than
some shitty job, so I've quit. Please come back." If the job really was the
problem, this is guaranteed to work.

Note, of course, that if the job wasn't the only problem, this won't work. But
you've rid yourself of a shitty job and can move on. Personally, I feel like
girlfriends are harder to come by than jobs, so take this whole thing with a
grain of salt. :)

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r2dnb
Then why the "Ignore it all" ? You're basically saying what other people and I
have said more succinctly "Quit your job". Don't get me wrong, I think your
analysis brings a lot to the table and it's great to have different people
give their own input in different ways.

But your point isn't fundamentally different than what has been said despite
what you suggest in your first paragraph. The choice the OP faces doesn't
depend of "times in life", as a general rule one"s job should fit in the life
balance he has chosen, not the other way around.

I totally agree with : "If you're carrying anxiety home, you better have a
significant stake in the company". This is what I called his best interest.
Unless you cash in 5 of 6 figures bonuses at the end of the year, don't give
too much to your work, learn to leave at 5. It really isn't wise to do
otherwise, even business wise. If your employer tries to set you working like
a senior executive as a norm, you're being fucked. And reading your post I
have a sense that you're being fucked, that's why I suggest you to find a new
job.

~~~
hamburglar
Yes, "Ignore it all" is a bit glib. I really meant "don't take any of these
answers as the correct one, because they're all highly situational."

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informatimago
Clearly, your exgf was a gold digger and she assessed (probably correctly)
that you bank account was now worthless, and that your startup employer won't
be the next unicorn.

The anxiety you got from your job is probably also a sign of the same thing,
unconscious in your case.

Probably not entirely your fault, I guess there are more people involved in
your startup employer.

I would say, share the pain: resign from your job, and find a better one.

