
How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014) - Tomte
https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/02/pick-life-partner.html?utm_source=Main+List&utm_campaign=a28c8308c6-&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_5b568bad0b-a28c8308c6-54155229&mc_cid=a28c8308c6&mc_eid=507e56c683
======
geff82
You should also read part 2 of the article.

After some relationships from 18-28 that all ended unhappy, I decided to
screen my next partner in a very rational way. Of course I wanted romance and
some attractiveness out of my next girlfriend, but I primarily wanted a friend
that I could talk to when we were 95 and sitting in wheelchairs next to each
other, unable to do much else. Destiny called and the girl I then met and
found worthwhile to date further became my wife and mother of two children.

Why I reference the second part of the article: we just talked about it and
totally agreed that our marriage was more or less how it should be (as
described in part 2) and felt not at all touched by part 1.

While we are for sure people that are different, we usually find new stuff we
absolutely want to do together. Last year we did boat- and radio licenses (5
so far...), this year we began pistol shooting in a sports club, we travel to
many places, have tons of family meetings (I think being in a supportive
family helps a lot, too)... yes we also have the occasional fight, but there
has been exactly no occurence where it had not been completely resolved before
sleeping.

So being rational about your partner does not mean to stop the fun, stop the
romance, but means you know exactly what you get into and care for the
happiness for you own life.

Remember: a divorce is often the complete destruction of your life dreams. You
can destroy yourself and/or your partner. Your partner REALLY gives the single
life he/she has in your hands and hopes, like you do, that everything will go
right. Don't be a fool when given such a treasure.

~~~
callesgg
What where the rational ways that worked for you. What did you screen?

~~~
geff82
Can I talk with her for long periods of time? And if we don't talk, is it
awkward? Do we have the similar goals? Do we have the same family values? Do
we have an understanding for each others hobbies? Do I like the family I marry
into (which was a bit complicated by the fact that her family lives in Iran, I
first had to go there visit them)? Do we both want to develop or does she want
to stand still? Do we share a similar interest for the world? Can I stand our
differences (our main difference is that I definitively like to socialize more
with people I don't know while she is rather introvert)? Can I be honest?
Don't I want to have an affair? Can we resolve conflicts fast (in a former
relationship it took a week, which killed me)? Do we like to eat similar stuff
(imagine a vegan and a fast food junkie glued together...)? Can I stand her
voice? (I actually first fell in love with her voice which surprising as I am
very much guided by hearing sense)

Many of those thoughts I had. Quite simple stuff at times. I had two years two
think it all through, see how she behaves in everday life. So at the day of
the wedding, I knew I got the best I can get.

There is always a partner to find that can be more attractive, more
intelligent, better at XYZ. But when you've done your due dilligence, all the
boxes are ticked in a way you are ok with it, you have found the partner you
really need.

~~~
smileysteve
> Do I like the family I marry into (which was a bit complicated by the fact
> that her family lives in Iran, I first had to go there visit them)?

Curious about this one, esp given the distance. My family lives in multiple
states, and I estimate at best 5-6 days with a 50% chance of seeing some of
them in a year. And if I was married and had kids, I'd drop that guess to
about 25%.

There has been a related post realizing the relatively small amount of time we
have with our parents.

It seems, that particularly with parents living in a different region of the
world, that your need to like the family is limited.

~~~
slackingoff2017
If the family is accessible I've found this to be a wonderful proxy for
compatibility. Is their family structure how you'd like yours? Do you get
along with and easily make friends with other family members?

It's a good sign if your personality is compatible with the family and their
way of life is what you're looking for.

It's of my top indicators, I've rarely found people that strayed very far from
their family in personality, hobbies, and life outlook.

~~~
sersi
> I've rarely found people that strayed very far from their family in
> personality, hobbies, and life outlook.

In my experience, that's generally true except for people who moved to a
different country at a relatively young age (or just after high school) and
stayed in that country. So in the case of OP, if her family lives in Iran and
she's in the US, it's likely she has a very different life outlook and
cultural view than her family.

------
mikebenfield
1\. I have always hated the notion that having a happy marriage is about
filtering through many candidates to find the one perfect partner. Although I
do think it's reasonable to try to learn early on what you're looking for,
this idea that we should all be dramatically expanding our dating pool to find
the perfect person is abominable.

Look at a city with a massive population of eligible young people, like say
NYC.. and then listen to what people in NYC say about the dating scene there.
It's not pretty. Having such a huge pool of potential mates _discourages_
people from committing. In other words, it makes it _harder_ to find a long
term mate, and it makes you less satisfied with whoever you're seeing.

2\. Biology isn't the only reason a person might want to get married before
40. There's something to be said for sharing your early adulthood with a
person. Meeting your life partner at 37 will be a very different experience
from meeting your life partner at 22. Not necessarily a _bad_ experience, but
not what everyone is looking for.

~~~
cproctor
To put it in terms that might be more familiar around here, obsessing over
finding the right partner is like believing that a successful startup is
mostly about finding the right idea. (And from there, it will just work out on
its own...) Sure, some ideas are more likely to work out a priori, but your
success is going to be dramatically influenced by the amount of work you're
willing to put into it, your willingness to learn, change, and grow along the
way. I'm inclined to believe that there are tons of people with whom most of
us could be compatible, and each would open onto a different future and a
different version of you. If you want a long-term partner, choose someone who
feels promising, bring all you've got--intellect, emotions, empathy, humility
--to the relationship, and stick with it.

~~~
cookiecaper
Yes! It is all about the amount of effort and commitment that the parties
(plural) are willing to put into it.

Bear in mind that each part of the married couple will have decades of their
own personal evolution occurring underneath the current of regular life.
Opinions, beliefs, or attitudes that are strongly held at the time of marriage
_will_ change. Even if you meet the Perfect Mate (TM), no one stays static for
long.

Marriage, like all family living, requires a great deal of mutual toleration
and patience, and a considerable amount of individual flexibility and
adaptation.

The Perfect Couple will fall apart in short order if they are not willing to
dedicate serious effort to their relationship on a perpetual basis. Marital
success has little to do with the starting material.

\---

For these reasons among others, I like the cultural ideal of arranged
marriages. They make it clear that marriage is about the commitment itself
more than it's about the personality on either side of the equation.

I also believe that most of the parents or grandparents in a position to make
the arrangements would have better character judgment than the much-younger
people trying to select a good spousal candidate on their own (as above, "good
spousal candidate" is someone eager and happy to work for a strong marriage).

In some sense, it is irresponsible of the older and wiser generations to
offload this duty into the hands of those who have great difficulty wielding
it. And while I don't believe these arrangements should be compulsory, I think
we'd all be better off if this was the common practice.

~~~
mythrwy
In spite of what religious leaders (career term bureaucrats who actually don't
know any better at all) may tell us, that's hardly the way to find maximum
fulfillment in relationships. "Cultural harmony" aside. Lot of quite
desperation and Prozac eating. And that's no way to go through life. Maybe
being a homeless junkie is slightly worse. Maybe. Ya, man and women are
together for sake of kids. Miserable and crazy. Which.. produces bad effects
on kids. Probably more than at peace separated parents in fulfilled
relationships. Like I say, God isn't talking at all to those old men. Nor are
they wise. They are mostly full of bias and baloney.

The idea of arranged marriages is abhorrent, very close to slavery in denying
individual worth and choice.

But ideally there should be some flexibility and commitment, particularly if
children are involved, yes.

How to find your ideal mate for lots of men? She'll have me!

~~~
cookiecaper
>In spite of what religious leaders (career term bureaucrats who actually
don't know any better at all) may tell us, that's hardly the way to find
maximum fulfillment in relationships. [...] Like I say, God isn't talking at
all to those old men. Nor are they wise. They are mostly full of bias and
baloney.

I don't know what you're talking about. I said nothing about religion, and
this whole paragraph is all over the map. I doubt that very many couplings,
including obviously bad ones, result in desperation nearing that of "a
homeless junkie" as a virtue of themselves.

>The idea of arranged marriages is abhorrent, very close to slavery in denying
individual worth and choice.

I disagree. Please note I said the arrangement should not be compulsory. We
have many social obligations that are enforced culturally (at this point,
marriage itself could almost be considered among these); such customs _can_ be
flaunted at will, but there is social pressure not to do so.

Progenitors are strongly motivated to make good choices on behalf of their
offspring because their offspring's interest is simultaneously their own self-
interest. Parents and grandparents are much more experienced than your average
20-something and generally much better equipped to make reasonable choices in
mate selection, themselves typically having had some experience in the matter.

>How to find your ideal mate for lots of men? She'll have me!

I agree, and how does this not support what I'm saying?

------
twic
The article attempts to presents a framework for making this decision
rationally, but ultimately, it's the heart that chooses between FreeBSD and
OpenBSD.

~~~
qbrass
Nah, the heart chooses OpenBSD, but you stick with FreeBSD out of convenience.

The real tragedy is NetBSD being forever alone.

~~~
RJIb8RBYxzAMX9u
Or you can be unfaithful like me: run FreeBSD bare-metal and OpenBSD under
bhyve! And in a few years I'll switch it around and try runing OpenBSD bare-
metal and FreeBSD under vmm. :-)

------
lordnacho
What I always tell people who are dating, and only half joking, is you need to
find someone you can be bored with.

When you're young and just done with education, starting work, things are
changing quickly. You're getting a lot of new experiences and meeting new
people. It can be very exciting.

Unfortunately, it's unlikely to continue like that. You can't always be
travelling, changing jobs, or even go out on the town. This is primarily if
you're going to have kids. They need a routine, which means you need a
routine.

So the challenge is to do the exciting dating thing while looking for someone
who will be happy with something much more monotonous. I met at least a couple
of women who seemed likeable but just didn't act like they were going to be
happy on the long straight.

~~~
sjg007
True b/c you don't want a significant other who creates drama.

------
roceasta
I like the way this article flips the commonplace 'What are the criteria for
selecting my perfect mate?' to 'What are my motivations for getting married?'.

However, it needs to be said that if and when children arrive on the scene,
_everything changes_. So really, in my opinion, the predominant issue is 'Do I
want to have children and how do I want them to be raised?'

~~~
iopuy

       And when you choose a life partner, you’re choosing a lot of things, including your parenting partner and someone who will deeply influence your children...
    

It actually really bugged me how having children was a forgone conclusion in
this article.

~~~
bananabill
Unfortunately most people are still stuck in the mindset that everyone who
isn't broken inside wants children. I've never wanted children at any point in
my life, but I'm wrong apparently.

~~~
bllguo
But from a biological/evolutionary/whatever perspective, isn't not wanting
children definitely "wrong"?

~~~
vilmosi
Well so is eating meat everyday or looking at a screen 30cm away most of the
day or not dying from an infection or having hot showers...

Who cares at this point, just live your life, you owe nothing to "evolution".

~~~
true_religion
Evolution is just a methodology, not living entity with desires and goals. If
your genes allow you at the age of 20, to look so stunning that you have 10
children before you sadly die from the effort expended to look so swimmingly
handsome, then your genes will soon proliferate to every corner of the globe.
We'll call that successful 'evolution', even though most people today would be
horrified that you only lived 20 years.

------
fizixer
Marriage, monogamy, and (romantic) love are conservative notions that are
close to being (or should be) marginalized in my opinion.

Romantic love, especially, is an extremely superficial and hollow idea exalted
to high heavens by the group-think of the masses. I gave up religion, and over
the years realized that love is the second, way more sneaky and no less
damaging, delusion that humanity indulges in. It has to go the way of the
religion.

I hope most of you would agree that at least 70%-90% of being in love has
something to do with the appearance of your person-of-interest (most of it
visual). No matter how you cut it, no matter how much of an intellectual you
are and how much you prefer to connect deeply with a person, in the end, given
two individuals, you fall in love with the one that is more visually
attractive. What a coincidence!

And what is visual attraction? In other words why do we find some people more
beautiful than others? Because we have a biologically ingrained form of
discrimination based on looks. It's lookism plain and simple.

Note that I do not buy the silly notion that 'beauty is in the eye of the
beholder' and that 'I don't find that person attractive but I'm sure someone
else will'. This is somewhat backed by data (e.g., the OKCupid survey), but I
have developed this belief on my own. Humans of all races have a built-in
instinct to find some visuals more appealing and attractive than others. It is
sad but true. To take it to an extreme, if we find some visuals disgusting
(e.g., spilled guts, slimy things) we don't all of a sudden go "I'm disgusted
by slimy spilled guts of animals, but that's just me, I'm sure there are
plenty of people out there who have the exact opposite reaction, that they
love to look at slimy spilled guts".

What I'm trying to say is that standards of visual attraction, while not
physically objective, are largely biology objective, and yet, it's a bad
thing, because it's a symptom of biological imperfection. It's a genetic
defect in our biology and 99.99% of humans are afflicted by it.

I personally think social individualism is a concept that needs to gain
traction in modern society. It is the 'atheism of love'.

~~~
Mahn
Respectfully, your argument doesn't hold water because it doesn't look like
you understand what being/falling in love is. _Sexual attraction_ is 70%-90%
visual appearances and mostly biological, but falling in love is not about
sexual urges, it's about happiness. We fall in love with the person that
brings happiness and joy to our life by merely spending time together, not
necessarily the one we want to ram our genitals into.

Most people pursue partners based on sexual urges, sure. But falling in love
is a whole other game, and they don't go hand in hand.

~~~
fizixer
> We fall in love with the person that brings happiness and joy to our life by
> merely spending time together.

If you need to spend time with someone in order to have happiness and joy in
your life, you have a problem to solve before you even think about love and
dating.

~~~
cousin_it
Many people do have a need to be loved, you can't argue it away.

~~~
fizixer
Most people have plenty of issues growing up, like low self-esteem, need for
validation, etc. A combination of training, therapy, meditation, sense-of-
purpose, etc can work wonders.

~~~
cousin_it
One such issue is nihilism, the kind you're showing here. Growing out of it
often makes people happier, unlike growing out of love.

------
Eduardo3rd
I very much enjoyed Part 2 of this article. It puts forward a much more
complete framework for success than part one, which mostly just talks about
the flaws in many standard approaches.

The notion that you are going to find the perfect person for the rest of your
life at any given moment in time is ridiculous - you are going to change, they
are going to change, your relationship is going to change both of you. The
sense of friendship, being at home with one another, and the mindset that a
marriage takes work have all been instrumental in my own marriage so far.

My wife and I met in our early 20s. The things we wanted out of life - both
individually and as a couple - have changed significantly over the past
decade. It is likely that if either of us had known where we would end up we
might not have chosen our past selves to be together with our future selves.
However, we've been a part of every individual and collective change and have
worked to build a strong relationship through the changes. There is something
amazing about walking through adulthood together and staying committed through
all of the ups and downs.

------
xupybd
Sounds great if you have lots of options. Some of us are getting older and
haven't made it past anyone else's filter. At some point your will to just try
and make it work regardless of the match.

~~~
erikpukinskis
The only place I think that really applies is if you're in a small town. If
you can't get past the first few dates after trying with 10-20 candidates in a
big city (requiring 100-200 solicitations), you're probably facing one of a
few very solvable problems, off the top of my head:

\- fails at basic hygiene (solved by showers, haircuts, clothes, cleaning your
room, home improvement projects, eating vegetables, etc)

\- fails at basic rapport (solved by practicing with non-romantic partners)

\- underlying mental health issues (solved by your therapist/psychiatrist)

\- fails at having an appealing life to join (solved by identifying personal
goals and practicing working towards them)

There are exceptions, of people who are extremely physically unattractive, or
who have truly insoluble mental health issues. But it's a really tiny
percentage of people. I'm talking you literally make babies cry with your
appearance, or you have a history of torturing animals, or something like
that.

Most people have just a couple of actual dealbreaking items on their filter,
so out of 20 candidates there should be one or two whose filters are on things
you accidentally do right.

And I'm not saying those four things I listed above are quick to solve. They
take time. It might take 2 years of daily effort. I'm just saying they're easy
to solve: there's no trick. Anyone who can bake a cake can do the steps
necessary to solve them.

~~~
PrefixKitten
I've been in Cleveland 2 years and I have only went on dates with 2 people.

At my most recent workplace there was only ever one woman around my age. We
went to lunch together and talked a ton so I think she liked me but I didn't
want to date a coworker at the time. Other than her though, dating through
work is apparently not an option.

But as for dating apps/sites and stuff I never get any matches.

So based on all that I don't understand how it's so commonplace for people to
go on 10-20 dates. My whole life I've always just dated the first person that
liked me, usually with years between girlfriends. Luckily they have all turned
out to be great people but that's not something I can count on.

>I'm talking you literally make babies cry with your appearance, or you have a
history of torturing animals, or something like that.

I'm apparently attractive enough that even straight men will tell me so
unsolicited. As for mental health, the only thing there is ADD, most people
who talk to me seem to think I'm really interesting and easygoing. I have a
hard time reconciling all my feedback with the notion that I'm part of some
exceedingly rare group that is undatable.

I don't know why I made this comment. There's not really anything for you to
say in return. I'm just confused and it's got me down.

~~~
erikpukinskis
I don't recommend dating coworkers, I recommend befriending coworkers and
cautiously dating their friends.

Dating apps work OK if you're average to above average in attractiveness,
writing skills, and flirting, and you can keep your anxiety in check.

If you're below average in some of those areas, you need to be in non-romantic
group settings so that people can observe you move confidently in space and
become attracted to you. That means hobbies.

> I don't understand how it's so commonplace for people to go on 10-20 dates

Yeah, I guess I was thinking about online dating. The in person stuff is
slightly different. If you volunteer for environmental restoration every
weekend, you will go on 10-20 "dates" over the course of 50 weekends, while
pulling up invasive species next to someone who is a little bored. That will
be your first date. If you like each other, you just have to say yes to more
opportunities to be with them, and they'll be doing the same, and you'll
eventually get to a "real" date.

Do your best to look cute before you show up to these events, and get your
mental health in order beforehand. Events with physical activity help with
both of those things.

> I have a hard time reconciling all my feedback with the notion that I'm part
> of some exceedingly rare group that is undatable.

Yeah, no, doesn't sound like you're in that category. From what you're saying
it sounds like you're just missing the 10-20 first dates thing.

------
tristor
This was a very insightful read for me, where I introspected and identified a
lot of things I had done wrong myself in relationships. That said, it was also
kind of depressing. It seems that one of the greatest unsolved challenges of
life is efficient matchmaking, and despite all the technology poured into it
we are nowhere close to having a good solution.

Swipe-apps (latest generation of matchmaking) are completely shallow and
almost entirely based on appearance and no other factors which leads them to
be used for either hookups or entertainment.

Profile-based apps lead to box-checking behaviors, incentivizing people to
look for "scan-tron partners" as the article calls its.

Personalized matchmaking services are expensive, time-consuming, and are
limited to the pool of people willing to invest that amount of time and spend
that amount of money, which is not that many folks.

This is one problem area I'd love to see some new startups address in a
serious manner.

~~~
nolepointer
I haven't done it, but speed dating seems like the best approach. It puts you
right in front of a person and, imo, you're less likely to dismiss him/her
outright than you would be on the mentioned apps.

~~~
makeset
Back in my day, people met their partners in the course of normal social
interaction. Weird, right? Like, you'd meet a friend of a friend, or be
someplace fun and meet other people having fun. Super weird. Sure, online
dating casts a much wider net, and there's something to be said for moving
your thumb to make attractive strangers appear at your door, but the old way
was _efficient_. More information up front meant fewer false starts and less
time wasted. It was essentially speed-dating without the handholding. It
wasn't that hard; you just had to get out and go somewhere, and you know,
socialize.

Now with a whole new generation too averse to even talking on their phone over
texting, it's probably becoming another lost art. We have managed to hack a
process evolved over human civilization, only to replace it with a mildly less
inconvenient but overall poorer and addictive substitute.

~~~
nolepointer
I completely agree with you. I'm in my early 20s and I'd much rather meet
someone during my daily interactions than through an app (on which men are
typically at a disadvantage). That concept felt a lot more feasible while in
school, though, and much more challenging now.

------
blueyes
Finding the right life partner requires a series of filters. For me, those
filters were: 1) quality of conversation; 2) ability to share work; 3) trust
and reliability; 4) physical attraction. Not necessarily in that order, but
long-term, the conversation and ability to collaborate with someone on the
joint project of a household or family are way up there in what to look for.
You definitely talk and work with each other a lot more than you moon and
snuggle, so you should find someone you like to talk and work with if you want
to like your life. It's really hard, though, because when you're attracted to
someone physically or just desperate for sex it's a lot easier to fool
yourself into thinking that their conversation is really interesting, when in
fact you're just high on pheromones.

------
graycat
What I saw in my own romantic relationships and those of others was a simple,
blunt point: Do both of the people actually want to follow the first part of
the standard marriage ceremony?

"We gather together to join this man and this woman with the bonds of holy
matrimony."

Instead, one or the other didn't really want to "join" or "bond" and, instead,
was just using, exploiting the marriage and spouse for some selfish aims.

For women, the main use was money -- she wanted to be supported. That was as
far as she thought. Later one had one child, retired to a back bedroom, lived
on chocolates, gained 150 pounds, and vegetated. Another had one daughter and
later one by accident, retired to a back bedroom and lived on cigarettes and
beer. One decided to become really good BFFs with Jim Beam and Jack Daniels.
One really wanted just to do social climbing at the most expensive country
club in town. Another wife wanted the spouse's wealthy family to fund a retail
startup. When the startup failed, she went to college, then art school, then
became a leading horse woman, all with no interest in her husband, and finally
just moved out. She was very pretty, moved to NYC, apparently to try to make a
big splash in media. Never heard from her again!

One husband liked sex with men as much or more than with his wife (at least
two cases of that, with both of the wives very desirable); the wives didn't
like that situation.

Another wife just wanted her husband to put her through law school at which
time she planned to leave the marriage. Another wife just wanted her husband
to put her through graduate school, at which time she planned to leave.
Another wife wanted to use the marriage as a home base for various projects,
around the world, to save the world.

I saw a lot of such problems: It was simple: One or both of the spouses failed
right at the first sentence of the marriage ceremony -- they just didn't want
to join or bond. Just didn't. To them the marriage ceremony was just a costume
party with nothing serious and no connection with reality, and they wanted the
marriage not to join or bond with their spouse but just to exploit them.

So, from this theme and these examples, what is in the OP is too complicated
and misses the point: The point is, both spouses have to be serious all the
way through the marriage vows, and failing right at the first sentence is
really simple, much simpler than the OP, way too common, and a guaranteed
disaster.

------
Sleeep
>everyone looking for a life partner should be doing a lot of online dating,
speed dating, and other systems created to broaden the candidate pool in an
intelligent way.

Anyone ever heard of the paradox of choice?

All of the research I've read hints at relationships that start with a dating
website being being much more fragile than relationships that have met more
traditional ways and much more likely to end with a bad outcome.

[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2016/03/15/the-science-
of...](http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2016/03/15/the-science-of-dating-
why-we-should-stop-dating-online/)

[https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/06/is-
onli...](https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/06/is-online-
dating-destroying-love)

One may argue this is good that we are ending "bad" or "not perfect"
relationships... the other side of the coin is online dating may not be
leading us astray from actually meeting someone we are compatible with and is
just a distraction or worse, it may be making us bad at relationships once we
met someone.

------
nomass
It was surprisingly hard to figure out the problem with these two articles.I
mean it all makes sense, I couldn't stop nodding. And dont get me started with
the picture from the stairs where the fighting couple stands below the
lamentable single person. I mean: yes! And if that is not enough, our reading
efforts are rewarded with a handy checklist for choosing the right partner.

I know the author might not happy about this, but I have an odd _feeling_ (ha,
shoot me). And the intensions they where, as they always are , the intentions
where good. Nobody was hurt, no potential was spoiled, no time was lost.
Everyone is happy. Sure there are conflicts and stumbling blocks, but with
solid work and communication you disolve them into harmless bumps while
sailing away on your Loveboat. Ready for the next chapture. Buying a house.
Having kids. Growing older together. Die with a smile on your face surrounded
by caring people.

If anything is overly romantic, than this. Completely ignoring the context you
live in and reduce everything to a handfull of personal traits and skills is
overly simplicistic (stupid) and naive, because:

\- you cannot create love by communication, or transform friendship or nice
feeling into love

\- It is reasonable if you seek for true love and believe in fate (But only
until you're 30)

\- If you have been hurt, betrayed, used and left, take it as a sign to loath
yourself less (and not others more)

\- Life can be bitter. Love can vanish. Dreams can be shattered.

There is this song "Hello" from Adele, which is fairly popular. It describes
somehow a state of love and connection after it is long gone. Something I'm
not sure this author would even understand.

------
PrefixKitten
In order to pick someone you've got to have choices...

------
bluker
The 37% rule has been the most beneficial heuristic that I've applied to
dating.

[https://plus.maths.org/content/mathematical-
dating](https://plus.maths.org/content/mathematical-dating)

~~~
PrefixKitten
.37*0 = 0

------
j45
I've learned to only get marriage or relationship advice from people who are
in generally happy, healthy marriages and relationships.

Getting business advice from a bad business person wouldn't make sense.

------
djohnston
im in the honeymoon phase right now. sometimes i get sad thinking about the
transience of this phase of the relationship. obviously i shouldn't fixate on
that, but it's like this creeping twilight that i wish i could just stave off
forever. anyone have tips on doing this?

~~~
AnimalMuppet
When it fades, what do you do? Do you say, "That was nice while it lasted, too
bad it's gone"? Or do you say, "I want that back, and I'll work to get it"?

In my own marriage, every year to year-and-a-half, I've looked around and
realized that we weren't as close as we used to be. We've had to rebuild the
relationship, which takes work. It's been worth it, though - still being in
the honeymoon phase at our 20th anniversary was pretty cool.

I mean, yes, the relationship _also_ deepens and grows. The head-over-heels-
in-love can last for a long time even while the relationship deepens,
though...

~~~
AnimalMuppet
Also, read "Passages of a Marriage" by Minnerth, Meyer, and Hemfelt.

------
onuralp
Exploration versus Exploitation: Deciding When to Get Married -
[http://www.inference.vc/my_big_fat_data_driven_wedding_how_t...](http://www.inference.vc/my_big_fat_data_driven_wedding_how_to_decide_when_to_get_married/)

------
peterwwillis
> But good old society frowns upon that, and people are often still timid to
> say they met their spouse on a dating site. The respectable way to meet a
> life partner is by dumb luck, by bumping into them randomly or being
> introduced to them from within your little pool.

Well, yeah. This is how social networks work: similar people group together,
people socialize within that group, and they match with people who they are
similar to or find ideal. They don't need to search for a partner because
their ideal partner is already somewhere within their social network.

People with poor social networking skills will not "bump into" potential
partners because their network is poor. It's like expecting to find an
investor for your startup if all you do is post to "Show HN". You might have
to actually leave your forum, or computer.

And so, after eliminating all choices from one's existing in-person social
network, people with bad social networking skills look for dates on the
internet. This is an uncomfortable yet common-sense truth: much like marrying
your cousin, there is a stigma for a reason.

There is currently _no online service_ that can correctly predict if someone
will enjoy your physical presence. You can check however many boxes you like
and you will still end up being weird. This is perhaps one of the biggest
reasons that there is a stigma against online dating: usually it does not work
out. If online dating really worked you would only have to go on three dates
before you met a perfect partner [that was also geographically and socially
convenient to date]. But it turns out that online services are just another
poor social network.

\--

Aside from that probably-going-to-get-me-downvoted-to-hell-unpopular opinion:
the author presents _one view_ of how to pick your life partner, from _one way
of life_. Depending on where you live, your personal values, your preferences,
your goals, etc your ideal partner may look quite a bit different than the
author describes.

Humans change over time. Your ideal partner right now may end up being a
completely different person in 10 years. You can either accept this, or accept
that your life partner is simply a "current partner" and that, similar to all
other kinds of partnerships, it may not last forever.

The author is also conflating life partnership with marriage. Traditional
marriage is a generally horrible custom that developed around the idea that
one partner didn't have as much agency as another, and that the partnership is
necessary so that the oppressed individual can retain some form of protection,
usually in exchange for sexual or other reciprocation, and the relationship is
almost always exclusive (for the oppressed partner).

You may want a life partner, but don't want to get married. This is
increasingly the norm in modern western society (whereas before it might have
landed you in jail or dead). You may want more than one partner, or your
partner does. Non-monogamous relationships are becoming more common and better
understood by the general public.

I'm not an expert, so I can't tell anyone how to pick a life partner. All I
know is that to understand what you want in someone else, first you have to
know what you like and don't like, for yourself as well as in others. Then you
need to be able to express that coherently and immediately, without shame,
regret, or miscommunication. Knowing how to do that will help you to search
for and identify a potential life partner. But remember that it may not fall
within the normal accepted standards of society, and you have to accept that,
or you may indeed fall into the same trap that so many others have when they
rely on a universal measuring stick to find the right fit. And above all, I
think that if you can't find what you're looking for in your social network,
you need to expand your social network - and _not_ just via dating sites.

~~~
asdf33323
Most peoples "social circle" is very, very small. Think about the number of
eligible women (or men) within your circle - it can probably be counted on 2
hands. Are you sure you want to limit your selection of something as important
as a forever partner?

~~~
peterwwillis
Network, not circle. The term 'social circle' isn't really well defined, so
I'll define it as "people with whom you have social interaction with on a
regular or semi-regular basis". A social network is anyone they are connected
to, and them to them, etc. Your social network is much larger than a social
circle. Think six degrees of kevin bacon.

In order to dramatically grow a social network you might only need to make
friends with 1 person who is outside your normal social network. For example,
if you joined a gym and made friends with one person whom you then played
squash with every week, and that person is otherwise unconnected to anyone
else you know, now there is at least a plausible chance to meet any of the
people in _their_ social network. I'm no expert here, but surely someone at
Facebook can give an example of how adding a new friend who isn't in your
normal group of friends can drastically increase your connections.

If you can use this social network effectively, you have (I think) a much
better chance of finding a lifetime partner than using a dating site, both
because of how difficult it is to identify an appealing personality online,
and because social network connections are (I think) much better paths to a
potential match.

------
beepboopbeep
baby don't hurt me.

~~~
thrownblown
no more.

~~~
bitwize
Baow baow baowbaow babaow baow baowbaow babaow baow baowbaow babaow baow
baowbaow...

------
vinum_sabbathi
im married and i read this

what a bunch of nonsense.

~~~
vinum_sabbathi
i didnt "choose"

i fell in love, fate happened.

that's why it's nonsense. sorry there's not a more logical answer.

~~~
genieyclo
What is love?

~~~
Simon_says
This isn't Jeopardy.

