
Ask HN: When to tell potential employers me and my wife are expecting a baby? - throwawaybaby
Hi HN,<p>At what point in the recruitment process should I tell recruiters &#x2F; potential employers that  me and my wife are expecting a baby?<p>I&#x27;m thinking that when I accept an offer would be most to my advantage, but I&#x27;d like to know if there are any potential pitfalls I should try to avoid.
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junto
Let's put this another way. Do you want to work for an employer that is
understanding and supportive with regards to your responsibilities as a
father?

If so, be upfront about the baby and if you get a poor response from your
prospective employer, then maybe that employer isn't for you.

Quite honestly I find that companies full of young lads run by young lads is
not likely to be that supportive, because quite honestly they haven't got a
clue what it is like to have such responsibilities, nor do they care (in
general).

You are going to be shattered for the next couple of years, surviving on
limited sleep. You are going to be able to work your core hours, but don't
expect to work overtime without getting ill, or letting your relationship with
your partner and child suffer as a result. Whilst the boys are out drinking
after work, you are not going to want to be there too.

Congratulations and enjoy the ride. You're going to have this crazy little
being that takes your input and outputs crazy shit for the next few years.
Children are great fun!

~~~
iqonik
I agree with this, I have a 7 month old daughter and I am literally running on
empty. I pick up colds a lot more often now, but, seeing her smile makes
everything worth while. Be upfront about it, you'll want to work for a company
that sends you a card with Mothercare vouchers when the time comes, not a
company that makes you feel bad for wanting to support your family.

To the OP, your username is interesting given the context!

~~~
junto
I'd recommend you get regular blood work done at your GP. It will show where
you are deficient in vitamins and minerals. Been there and got the t-shirt!
:-)

We made a few mistakes with our first baby. The first was both partners trying
to deal with the baby at the same time at night when it woke up. Better is to
take turns. Literally setup a second bedroom where you can take turns to
disappear and get some sleep. You'll feel much better if you have 2 proper
full sleep phases (3 even better). Go to bed early. Staying up until midnight
was ok pre-baby, but now it will just kill you.

Accepting that my lifestyle needed to change was the hardest part for me. Lots
of things I didn't want to give up. Once I accepted them and worked with the
changes, things got much better.

------
topkai22
My experience in the US has been to make it part of the negotiations after the
interview and when you are in direct contact with the hiring manager. I've
known several people in the US who successfully convinced their new employer
to treat them as "fully vested" for the purposes of p/maternity leave or even
just extra time off for a honeymoon. Yoy might not even have to take unpaid
leave.

An aside- good paternity leave is the best retention incentive I've
encountered. I've twice been ready to leave my megacorp, and both times I've
stayed because I had a kid on the way and wanted the paternity leave. Things
always got better in the meantime. Besides, I was pretty useless the month
after the kid came anyways.

PS- Congrats! You should be a happy man.

~~~
throwawaybaby
That's the approach I've been planning on taking, nice to hear it can work
out.

Thanks.

------
dataminded
I had a job when my wife and I decided to have a baby. She was about 8 weeks
pregnant when I told my manager. I ended up leaving that job when she was 4
months pregnant and disclosed that she was pregnant to prospective employers
during offer negotiations.

I wouldn't have taken a job at a company that wasn't supportive. It also
allowed me to transparently negotiate around the things that mattered to me.

~~~
throwawaybaby
Thanks for sharing. Did you get any negative reactions from prospective
employers when you told them?

------
danieltillett
Never. They should not be asking you about this so why say anything.

P.S. Congratulations :)

~~~
throwawaybaby
Thanks.

I should have put this in my post.

I have to tell them at some point so I can arrange paternity leave. In the UK
you have to have worked for your employer continuously for at least 26 weeks
by the end of the 15th week before the expected week of childbirth to get
paternity leave[1], and holiday allowance for new employees is usually pro
rata based on number of months worked, so I won't be eligible for paternity
leave or have much holiday allowance by the time the baby is due. So before I
accept an offer I need to know that they will be flexible about taking unpaid
leave.

[1] [https://www.gov.uk/paternity-pay-
leave/eligibility](https://www.gov.uk/paternity-pay-leave/eligibility)

~~~
jellicle
> So before I accept an offer I need to know that they will be flexible about
> taking unpaid leave.

Just as long as you understand that some (many? most?) employers will not hire
you once you tell them this.

~~~
throwawaybaby
Which is why I'd wait until they make an offer as they are less likely to back
out at that point as they've already made the decision to hire me whereas they
might (even subconsciously) take it into consideration if I tell them before.

Also, getting offer is valuable information on what my current market rate it.

------
cafard
I once changed jobs in large part because my wife was expecting, and it was
not going to be practical for me to travel for work or to commute so far. For
the life of me I don't remember whether I mentioned this at job interviews.
But I was in the Washington, DC, area, where for the most part one has a
9-to-5 culture in the IT world.

------
iqonik
I'm not sure what you do as I believe your profile is temporary just for this
post. But the company I work with is hiring Perl devs and Dev Ops. We're based
in Canary Wharf, if you're interested email me (available in my profile).

I know we'd embrace the fact you're starting a family :)

------
shove
Ethically? If and when you feel like it. Legally? It's none of their goddamn
business. Personally? After start of 2nd trimester _and_ I've been on the job
30 days.

------
sjg007
You don't. But you should really look at jobs at companies that have well
defined paternity benefits.

------
haidrali
correction please its your wife who is expecting not you ;)

~~~
n9i8k7f46l
It's his wife who is pregnant. They are both EXPECTING the baby.

[http://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/expect?family=expecting](http://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/expect?family=expecting)

"Look forward to the birth of a child"

