
Ask HN: What can I do to turn things around and make my 30's “good”? - tonym9428
I turn thirty in a couple months. At this stage in my life, when looking back on my 20s, it&#x27;s been very disappointing. Sure, there are plenty of good things, but my career hasn&#x27;t panned out as hoped, was convicted of a felony sex offense, have had to move pack in with parents, and so forth. What can I do at this stage in my life to improve things and make my thirties a fruitful decade where I&#x27;m employed, doing interesting things, and feeling useful.<p>Good things in my life, to date:<p>- Finished my bachelors and masters degree from a good university.<p>- Was employed as a statistician in the online marketing industry for four years.<p>Bad things in my life, to date:<p>- Committed a felony sex offense while I was an undergraduate at university (ended up serving three years of probation).<p>- Lost my job several months ago and can&#x27;t find new work as a result of not being able to pass background checks.<p>- Moved back in with my parents.<p>- Never had a girlfriend.<p>- Degenerative neurological disorder that&#x27;s slowly taking over my life (a big reason for I have been lonely and likely contributed to my improprieties).<p>So here I am. I want to turn things around, have a good career as a statistician, and make a descent salary. What can I do to turn things around and improve my life so that when I&#x27;m 40, I&#x27;m not looking back on my 30&#x27;s and thinking that it&#x27;s been disappointing.<p>To be honest, I&#x27;m more interested in having a good job&#x2F;salary than anything else. If I never have a girlfriend, that&#x27;s fine, I&#x27;m &quot;broken goods&quot; so I understand why I&#x27;m less appealing to women.Good things in my life, to date:
======
themgt
(re: another comment) I knew a couple people in the french foreign legion, and
I wouldn't recommend joining them unless you want to become even more fucked
up.

What I would recommend instead, is save up a bit of money and move to another
country (South America, Southeast Asia, even Eastern/Western Europe if you can
swing it). There you will not fail background checks, and in many countries
you can easily get a job teaching English (with or without a small amount of
training) which will be more than enough to pay your bills. Your quality of
life will be far higher than living with your parents.

Start a consultancy doing the skilled work you want while you pay your rent by
teaching English. Work on your social skills, and probably the deep underlying
reasons those skills are lacking (by the way, this will help building the
consultant work over time). Take some psychedelics, get outside your comfort
zone with people and activities, enmesh yourself in a new culture, learn a new
language. This will all take time, and I'd encourage you to keep moving
between cities or countries a bit until you find a situation that feels right
and you don't want to leave.

You don't like who you are now, so become the new person you want to be. It
will be a lot easier to do that in another country. Even if the felony would
prevent you from getting a permanent visa immediately, you'll be able to
indefinitely do visa runs in the vast majority of developing countries with
little hassle.

~~~
kngspook
I'm curious about your French Foreign Legion comment; can you elaborate?

~~~
themgt
From my not incredibly extended experience, the problem was the FFL attracts
exactly the sort of people in op's situation - those with criminal records
and/or nowhere else to turn. You're then basically a mercenary in a group of
other very fucked up mercenaries, and from the outside it appeared a great way
of reinforcing the worst aspects of one's personality.

By contrast if you simply go live in South America and teach English, you'll
just be any other expat, and immersed in a normal local culture much more
likely to help you become a sane, well-rounded human.

(for reference, I spent two weeks in a hostel in Marseilles with a creepy
Algerian criminal in the FFL who'd been wounded/furloughed and was trying to
obtain French citizenship along with a 19 year old in-denial gay Mormon who
was attempting to join. The Algerian wound up making violent/rapey comments to
at least three female friends)

~~~
nether
Not to mention, isn't the FFL more selective in physical ability than the US
Army Rangers? You don't just sign up.

------
mattmurdog
I would look into trying to get your criminal past expunged. Talk to some
lawyers, figure it out. My ex-roommate was able to get his wiped, although it
wasn't a felony sex offense case.

Work hard to get a new job, even if it's a crappy one. This will be the key to
help you turn your life around. I know it did for me. I struggled during my
early late 20s too, and when I turned 30 it felt overwhelming... like what
have I been doing with my life? But when I put my head down and started to
work hard.

Career became my main focus in my 30s and while I am much older now, I can say
without doubt, everything got better. I was able to not worry about money,
date more, make more friends, indulge in personal interests, etc.

Use this time living at home to save, take any job related to your interest.
Keep looking for better opportunities. Save more money. Get that job. Get that
girl. Get your life turned around mentally and emotionally. Don't dwell on the
past. Good luck!

~~~
anon3_
> although it wasn't a felony sex offense case.

Not to mention, it's a sex offense, he doesn't say could also possibly include
being on the sex offender registry.

It's ironic that we talk of "right to forget" in Europe. USA, sex offenders
are named and shamed for the rest of their lives as eternal perverts.

~~~
scintill76
One of the sadder scenarios IMO is something like an 18-year-old having quasi-
consensual sex with a 17-year-old (I say "quasi" just because by legal
definition it can't be consensual.) If convicted, the offender is branded a
pedophile for life, but few people are going to consider what actually
happened (and it's not documented publicly like the generic crime conviction
is.)

I don't know if it's really prevalent, but I know one anecdote that appeared
to be like that. Some US States are making progress here, though -- see "Romeo
and Juliet laws."

~~~
fapjacks
One of my brother's good childhood friends was 18, his girlfriend 16. Both
parents approved of the relationship. She stayed out too late one night (with
her friends, not the boyfriend), and her parents called the police. Police
track her down, but learn of the relationship with the 18-year-old. This was
Kansas so it was then out of the parents' hands. He was was convicted of
statutory rape, and still to this day (~20 years later) has to inform his
neighbors whenever he moves.

(wait for it)

He is married to that same person, and they have three kids together.
Registered sex offender _for life_.

------
joshmn
Dropping in here, because I can't pass a background check either (felony theft
- did some stuff to a bank):

I've learned that just being like "yo I can't pass a background check in case
you were wondering" only opens up arms and minds. Though, to a felony sex
offense... well, it couldn't have been that bad since you did 3 years
probation. I got 5.

Reach out to some bigger recruiting agencies, and make sure to prepare
yourself for an explanation. From what I've experienced, they'll do the
background check, and then ship you off to companies where you won't have to
pass theirs.

A question I have for you is this: How has finding a place to live gone for
you?

Edit: just remembered that I'm off probation in late August. Yay.

------
hugozap
The best thing you can do for yourself is to go to therapy. Cognitive
behavioral therapy can make a big difference in your life. Find someone in
your area and commit yourself to improve with the guidance of someone who can
help you.

A lot of the issues you have could be the result of a distorted life
perspective. Superficial advice like "lift weights" are not helpful. You need
to change your thinking patterns to have results that last.

~~~
anon3_
Lifting weights is superficial advice?

It makes every part of your life easier.

\- Releases endorphines to make you happy

\- Makes you more attractive

\- Helps you burn more fat

\- Helps your long term health

\- Gives you something to put into your routine to have a healthy habit

\- When you do it and stick to it, the downside is you have to listen to
occasional ignorant comments by people who downplay the benefits of this.

\- Your sex drive increases

\- Testosterone / you become more dominant

It's not easy either - lifting weights takes a lot more effort than jogging.
You're more likely to be characterized as a brute jock, as opposed to biking /
jogging where it's all glib hipsters.

~~~
johnny22
I'm confused as to how this is a plus on it's own

"\- Testosterone / you become more dominant"

~~~
Frozenlock
It's not, and it's wrong. Probably some 'facts' told by training gurus or
whatnot.

You can be 5 feet tall, built on a cat frame and still be dominant. Being
dominant is much more about how you interact socially. And no, being the
'tough' guy doesn't help.

You can feel more confidant if you have some more muscle mass, but that's
about it.

Now, about the testosterone. Exercise will make your testosterone go up for
only a few minutes to an hour, which doesn't do much of a difference. (Same
for sex btw; levels go up AFTER sex.) Besides, if you lack the hormone in any
serious matters, you should seek a physician. Other than that, why would you
want more? Because you think it's in direct proportion to your manliness?

~~~
nate_meurer
Agreed overall, with the nitpick that I've never seen evidence that
testosterone increases after sex.

------
baobaba
"Today is the first day of the rest of your life." As cheesy as this sounds,
it is deeply true. You can choose every day the kind of person you want to be
from now on.

I think the psychological baggage of living with your parents, not having a
girlfriend and having a degenerative neurological disorder is far greater than
the criminal record. There are ways to reduce the implications of the sex
offense on your life, as others suggested. But the other things are what will
hold you back.

Consider adopting a meditation practice and practice being nice to yourself.
Calling yourself "broken goods" isn't helping matters. The way you think of
yourself is the way you carry yourself and how other people see you. Seek
examples of happy, accomplished people with missing limbs or serious
illnesses.

I found that with a decent salary, meaningful remote job, traveling across
some of the most beautiful places in the world and eating amazing food, I came
to realize I deeply miss my friends, lack having a local community, and a
purpose and meaning in what I was doing.

My best advice if for you to seek ways to bring value to other people's lives
through what you do. It doesn't have to be selfless, it can be as simple as
writing a blog and sharing your journey. It may take a little while to figure
out what brings you happiness, but whatever you do, even if you get a
freelance/remote job, don't stay inside and work for days without meeting
people. Coworking spaces and cafes are a much better alternative in your
situation.

------
thaumaturgy
I remember turning 30. It was a sobering number for me too.

The felony: in some cases an attorney can get these reduced to a misdemeanor
if you stay out of trouble several years after your probation is over. You
might look into this.

The career: there probably aren't any shortcuts. Like a lot of other things,
it's a numbers game. Keep sending out resumes and applications, the more the
better. Try not to get discouraged (or, at least, don't let that stop you from
putting out another resume and application). Do some work in the field. Do
anything you can to get your foot in the door somewhere, to keep moving
towards your goal. Internship maybe? Somewhere out there is someone who will
give you an opportunity. You have to find them.

Keep working on and improving yourself. Get out and socialize if possible.
(Meetup is good for this in a lot of areas.) Don't wallow too much in self-
pity; learn to be happy with yourself and others will be happy with you too.

Your 20s is disappointing because you screwed up in a way that's going to
affect you for a long time. So don't screw up; make your 30s about working
towards your goals and recovering from your past decisions. Be stable and
reliable and responsible -- become an adult.

------
coldwaraaron
I was in a very similar situation. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my
life when I was 18, was angry about a relationship that ended (I had no skills
for dealing with it at the time), so I got into drinking and drugs and made a
lot of bad choices (which eventually landed me 10 years of probation).

I ended up working a string of minimum wage jobs before finally finding a
factory job that was hard, but paid a little more ($13/hour). Since I really
wanted to be a professional drummer and tour with a band, I figured that I
needed to learn a skill that I could do on the road. I decided to start
studying web development and graphic design. I worked a bunch of overtime,
bought a used macbook, and started spending all my nights and weekends
studying (I have a friend who calls this the Overlap Technique; google it).
After a couple years, I had learned enough to get an (unpaid) internship at a
small web design agency. That eventually gave me the confidence to start
taking on freelance clients when the opportunities came.

The hardest part was learning to like myself again. By the time I was 20, I
was overweight at 260 pounds (I'm 5'll). I started making small changes to my
diet (stopped drinking soda, started eating healthier foods), and I started
walking, exercising, riding my bike around town, etc. I lost 80 pounds over
the course of three years, and I felt and looked really good.

I was also fortunate enough to find a group of cognitive therapists who were
really smart and really kind who helped me understand the thought patterns
that were making me fuck up my own life.

I had two major breakthroughs; the first was after taking shrooms (not a
recommendation, mind you) I realized that I could make my life be whatever I
wanted it to be. I had control over my decisions, and they would shape my
life.

The second was that I had to stop giving a fuck about what the people who
didn't know me had to say about the poor choices I made in the past. I
understand why I made those shitty choices, and I won't be making them again.
If someone wants to be a dick or refuse to work with me because of a bad
choice I made in the past, they aren't someone I want in my life anyways.

I turn 30 in two months. I have a solid source of income from multiple clients
who I have good relationships with (they've never asked for a background
check), a nice girlfriend, and plenty of friends who know about my past and
still respect me for the person I am today. They can't even comprehend the
level of shithead I was back then because today I am nothing but kind,
respectful, encouraging and helpful to everyone I meet.

I hope this helps.

------
lionhearted
1\. There's lots of good advice here. Don't try to do all of it
simultaneously; pick one or two things and really commit to them, and then
review how well you're doing in those areas once a week. You'll have weeks of
no progress, everyone does, but if you keep focusing on 1-2 areas until you're
happy with that result, almost anything can get improved over 3-6 months.
Sometimes shorter, but ready yourself for more and pace yourself accordingly.

2\. Start trying to meet more people and make more connections Friends,
acquaintances, professional colleagues. Go to where people doing the type of
statistics/marketing you're doing hang out, and get to know them. In-person is
better than online, but if you're not near a major metropolitan area, online
would be okay too.

You could, for instance, find some discussion forum devoted to
marketing/statistics, and learn, post there, follow up, etc.

It doesn't have to be purely professional related, but if there's overlap
between the work you want to do and the type of people you're meeting, you'll
have more job offers. There's a number of studies showing that the vast
majority of hires made aren't from applying blindly by sending in resumes, but
based on recommendations and personal relationships.

So -- get to know more people. It'll probably also help with your self-esteem.
I'd also recommend never calling yourself "broken goods" or similar again: the
world's got enough antagonism in it without you getting on your own case.

But yeah, your main goal is get employed? Start meeting people, getting to
know them, and showing your competence in the areas you'd like to be employed.

------
c22
A few years ago I was in a situation remarkably similar to yours and I found
that getting a stable long term girlfriend was extremely helpful in keeping me
on a good trajectory. Ironically, the only real way to achieve this is to
already be on that trajectory. One strategy is to focus on getting really good
at something you're interested in. Your mastery will attract both women and
employment and the process is not unenjoyable. Another attractive trait (to
both mates and employers) is healthiness, so eat healthy things, take vitamin
D supplements if you're far away from the equator, and get at least some
exercise every day (15 minutes is fine). Building these habits can have
positive effects on your mental state as well.

~~~
thotpoizn
I'm sorry, but no. "Ironically, the only real way to achieve this" \- is to
achieve this. I met my wife almost 25 years ago. We were both homeless at the
time. We found each other, loved each other, and despite ridiculous odds
against us, found a happy and successful life together. A big part of that was
me pulling my head out of my ass and doing things for "us" instead of doing
things for "me".

The trajectory I was on before I met her was juvenile, selfish, and stupid.
Then all of that changed rather dramatically: I met the woman who would become
my wife, and she made me want to grow up and step up. My situation changed,
when my mind changed.

~~~
nate_meurer
You got lucky. Sounds like your wife got lucky too :)

But for every one of you, I'll find ten others who expected a relationship to
pull them off a bad trajectory (esp. addiction), and instead found someone who
enables, and often shares and promotes, their self-destruction.

------
AznHisoka
Go find a job at a very young startup. Few of them do background checks. Or
start freelancing.

------
BorisMelnik
100% either start consulting or move to a different country. I know a few guys
who made mistakes when they were young and have been paying the price their
entire lives.

------
bobsgame
Go jogging and lift weights, you'll figure out the rest.

~~~
jalayir
What is this, the brogrammer's solution to every problem in life?

~~~
sosuke
Exercise releases endorphines, gives you more energy, it isn't a completely
out of the question suggestion.

Disclaimer: I don't exercise.

------
RantyDave
Don't worry about the girlfriend thing. That will fix itself if you fix all
the other shit.

Go and get another job as a statistician - by this I do _not_ mean applying
for them. Work out where you want to work (ish), find some excuse to get to
know people there and just talk about coming to work for them. Is there an
annual "stats in the advertising industry" conference? Go there, pay
attention, talk to people about stats. Pretty quickly, if you know your shit,
doors will start to open.

I got a job offer off a usenet post once.

When it does get to the point where you're physically in their building and
talking about whether or not you could come to work for them, fess up. "You
should know I've made some mistakes in my past and ... my legal record shows
this ... I want you to know before you find out".

Voila. Do the full Trainspotting thing - washing machine, big fucking TV etc.
Then meet some women and just be nice. Problem solved, I guarantee it.

------
dcre
I wish the therapy answers were getting voted up higher. The other answers are
okay as far as they go, but a therapist is like a personal coach who can help
you pick a path and stick to it. They can be an _actual_ third person to go
along with you "thinking about yourself in the third person" (to quote another
answer).

------
workerdee
You will be OK. ~hugs~

You won't find peace with a job or a girlfriend or yourself if you are not
ready. Even if you are trying things and they are not working - like exercise,
therapy, volunteering, religion, hobby groups, etc. - keep trying. It will
take time and you will have good and bad days, but you will find something
that you connect with. You will find yourself in a good place before you know
it. There are some great (free!) motivating resources online that may be
helpful during dark times (health scares, medical bills, rejection, finance
troubles, etc.).

For example, this TED Talk by Aimee Mullins:
[http://www.ted.com/talks/aimee_mullins_prosthetic_aesthetics...](http://www.ted.com/talks/aimee_mullins_prosthetic_aesthetics?language=en)

------
jean316
I'm a programmer, at 29 as well, and I know it's going to sound cliché, but
this comes from my heart:

The single best suggestion I have for you is to surrender your life to Jesus.
God did miraculous thing for me since I decided to let Jesus live in me. I was
in search for meaning and found it in Him.

And you don't have to believe me; please ask some people around you who
believe. Maybe in your family. They'll probably tell you how God changed their
life for the better.

I know you said you're more interested in having a good job/salary and it's OK
to seek that, but please also consider your after-death. Jesus said: "For what
will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?"

God bless you. I'll pray for you my friend.

~~~
butwhy
Hmm you may like to see a medical specialist concerning your physiological
symptoms re: relationship(s) with imaginary things.

OP if you really want to go down the religion route, I suggest you surrender
your life to the flying spaghetti monster. Only in his grace and mercy will
you ever be free.

------
jalayir
Hmm, have you tried an online contracting job
([https://www.elance.com/](https://www.elance.com/))? Maybe get a passport and
move to SE Asia, or Latin America, for a fresh environment?

------
alaskamiller
Flipping the switch starts with yourself.

When you stop seeing yourself as broken goods it'll shine through. Besides, no
one knows you until they want to know you. When you project your brokenness
that's how they will see you too.

------
skadamat
You have a wonderful skillset! I would definitely learn more programming and
more 'data science' & analytics (datasciencemasters.org) and then think deeply
about finding companies whose missions you identify with. The 30's are the
best time to think about how to combine your skillset with your ability to
make a big impact in the world; it will also help to think about things in
this sense because it helps shift some of the focus away from 'what can the
world offer me' to 'what can I offer the world'!

------
nowprovision
Many large companies in Asia will use First Advantage (previously LexusNexus I
believe) to do background checks so ignore the previous commenter that Asia
doesnt do background checks, the same incompetent company used heavily in US
and EU. However I would be surprised if startups did background checks, and
even if they did if you could put your cards on the table then I doubt it will
hinder you, you seem to be upfront here (and with it only probation) so I
guess it wasn't anything too evil.

------
clockwerx
I enjoy cycling a bucketload. I get a sense of achievement regularly, my
health improves, etc. Not a magic bullet but not a high barrier to entry: find
a group ride and go.

------
jlangenauer
Not that it's an easy solution, or even the right one for you right now, but
I'll just note something:

There's (generally) no background checks required for starting or running a
business.

You have listed the constraints that currently apply to your life. Think about
what sort of life you can create within those constraints, or how you can get
around them.

------
LarryMade2
Well, you wont be doing interesting things unless you do them... So what if
you suck to start off, as long as it doesn’t kill you, injure you or get you
arrested, pay your penance and give it a shot for a while. If it doesn’t work,
then try something else that is interesting. At some point you will be known
for doing something interesting or have interesting stories of your attempts
of trying something interesting.

Part of the pursuit of an "interesting" lifestyle hopefully will get you into
networking situations where you might find friends and maybe more romantic
interests that share your pursuits.

Stop waiting to start somewhere, and just start.

------
phyalow
Read this book or grab the audible.

[http://www.amazon.com/Psycho-Cybernetics-New-More-Living-
Lif...](http://www.amazon.com/Psycho-Cybernetics-New-More-Living-
Life/dp/0671700758)

------
vvpan
Perhaps visit some sort of counselor every so often? HN might help you with
career advise, but a therapist will help figure any problems you have with
yourself and others. You don't have to be crazy to seek assistance.

------
derptacious
Work on meditation and social relationships. It sounds like that felony was
your biggest stumbling block, which means you'll appreciate growing past it
more than anyone else. How can you grow past it? By developing that part of
yourself. Work on health and your neurological disorder at the same time you
work on these relationships and becoming and feeling normal again. Once you
achieve that normality, going beyond it will be such a joy for you :)

------
rwallace
What about contract jobs or consulting work? If you're not an employee, maybe
you could skip the HR BS.

------
akulbe
You should read this Quora reply. It's a good answer, and is relevant to the
background you shared.

[http://qr.ae/7Upp1h](http://qr.ae/7Upp1h)

~~~
akulbe
Did whoever downvoted this bother to read the thing at the link? Or did you
just dismiss, out of hand?

The commenter talks about how to be productive after a felony conviction. If
that's not relevant, I don't know what is.

You guys are brutal. Seriously.

~~~
DanBC
I didn't downvote it. I suspect that using an URL shortener and linking to
quora is what attracted the downvote/s.

------
matchagaucho
Setup a www.fiverr.com account and offer to do some niche statistical work.
Ignore the whole resume/interview/background check process. Become an
independent small biz owner.

------
1337h4xatl
tony, can you email me at wow.its.nothing@gmail.com?

Let's talk. You're not broken goods, I don't care. you're viewing yourself as
a victim. Let's flip that shit around.

------
jwatte
Job/salary is only important for the things they enable. If you can move to
Thailand, do remote consulting, and enjoy a Zen lifestyle, that might be worth
a lot more.

------
halayli
acquire knowledge. learn learn learn.

workout, try to stay in shape as much as you can.

------
sova
Greatest joy in life is being able to make others happy. Not saying it's easy,
but try that venue of approach. Well worth the time you spend pondering it.

~~~
thecolorblue
I agree with this. It is difficult to be useful and depressed.

~~~
pavlov
I don't understand this claim. I've been depressed at a time when I was very
much "useful" both professionally and in a relationship.

Being in demand (or needed) is sort of like having money: it doesn't have any
direct correlation with mental health.

------
oxide
Just want to say that there is no such thing as damaged goods.

------
anti-shill
look into high end sales

------
fredkbloggs
If your neurological condition does not disqualify you (a big if), consider
joining the French Foreign Legion. A new career and a path to a non-US
passport sound like just the ticket in your situation! Unfortunately, you have
no hope of ever escaping your conviction in the United States; that is by
design as you find yourself the target of a pernicious complex of puritanism,
fear, and pandering.

Your other options are mainly going to involve under the table jobs or
freelancing, probably your only meaningful option if you want to continue in
your previous line of work. Why not hang out your shingle as a contractor?
Since you're not working anyway, it can't hurt! If you have contacts from
previous jobs, get in touch with them and offer your services -- as a services
corporation, not as an employee. You might have more success as a corporation
than as a human.

Good luck!

------
FallDead
Okay so, the first thing I would do is join this community
[http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap](http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap). Once you do
you will feel alot of social anxiety go away, since it's likely you would be
"letting" go of your testosterone that way.

A friend of mine had an addiction and started with this and it worked out so
well for him.

Next you need to hit the gym, and start small and try 3 days a week.

Second make some goals about things you want to get done before you reach next
year.

Next do deep introspection, think about your self in the third person, and ask
your self what you hate about yourself.

Go write it down and spend a everyday on one of those things and chip away at
it by breaking it down into smaller tasks.

Lastly Smile people love other people who smile, it makes them more
approachable.

Reddit says, 30 is the best of your life if you are not married or tied down
to a relationship.

[http://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenOver30/comments/2a3zyp/is_bein...](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenOver30/comments/2a3zyp/is_being_single_in_your_30s_as_bad_as_this_thread/)

Need support feel free to hit me up on twitter? @0xFA11DEAD

~~~
johnny22
just wondering. How old are you?

~~~
FallDead
25

