
The Art of Dying - kaboro
https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2019/12/23/the-art-of-dying
======
lordnacho
Wish I hadn't come across this. Now I'll have to put down my feelings in
writing.

After being in and out of hospital for a while my dad is now in intensive
care. The doctor took me and mom to a private room today where they explained
that he's so frail, if anything happens there's no point in trying to help
him. No CPR, no respirator. Basically, it's going to be either this time or
another time, but it's going to be like this.

My main thought is that he's doing the opposite of being born. When I watched
my kids get born, they were little things with no personality. As they grow
more and more of them gets created. Their habits, what they like to eat, soon
their friends and interests. Opinions about every little thing in the world.

Now I'm seeing that deconstructed in my dad. I stopped being able to talk to
him about adult stuff some time ago. Science, politics, history. His thoughts
on being transplanted to the west as an adult. As he's gotten more ill
recently it's degenerated into what is essentially teenager stuff: why won't
he exercise to improve his heart condition? It's not like he doesn't
understand what the doctors say.

I might not have another conversation with him, and the last one was last
night. We're beyond teenager stage now. He kept asking the same series of
questions over and over. Is my heart OK? Nose? Ear? Brain? Leg? Tissemand? Yes
really, he said that. The only part of his body he asked me about in Danish,
not Chinese.

I feel bad about being angry with him, too. He's basically not followed any
medical advice since his bypass. Many family members have brought it up with
him. He's just sat there for the best part of three years, doing nothing to
get better.

And part of me thinks I caused him to check out of life. Before he had his
surgery I sat down with him, when we were both adults, and talked through what
might have been the last conversation. He said he had no regrets, the world
had treated him just fine, and if the end was now, that was fine. There was a
peaceful resignation at that time. Perhaps having the sign off conversation
made him not want to struggle back to fitness.

~~~
didericis
Towards the end of his life, my grandpa told me he carried around a little
index card. That index card had a simple drawing of two straight lines with a
small dot in the middle.

He said he used it to remind him that the only thing he had control over was
that little dot in the middle. The rest was outside of his control.

Acceptance of death is as much about accepting that we only have today and
should focus on steering it in the best direction we can as it is about
accepting there is an end. Don’t beat yourself up over your feelings or past
conversations that you feel influenced his decision.

~~~
sizzle
This is a meaningful tattoo idea. Thanks.

~~~
didericis
You're very welcome.

------
xvector
I cannot wait until we beat death as a species - or rather, die on our own
terms rather than on nature’s.

~~~
Nextgrid
It's sad that we as a species waste our time & resources on bullshit such as
wars, parasitic businesses like advertising, etc instead of focusing on
solving the most important problem that affects us all across all races,
religions and cultures: death.

~~~
paganel
Not all of us view death as the worst thing that has affected this species,
not sure why we should all “fight” against this. Afaik there’s no way for this
planet to hold and accordingly feed hundreds of billions of people (us, our
kids, our-grand-grand-grand.....-kids, none of us dying), so what will happen
in case we were given the “eternal life” curse is that we will stop having
kids. I for myself would always choose the world belonging to kids/younger
people instead of older people.

~~~
fastily
Not on this planet no, but the universe is a huge place. Space is the obvious
next frontier.

~~~
bagacrap
Why is that more obvious than the bottom of the ocean?

~~~
fastily
Would you rather live at the bottom of the ocean?

------
bg24
Speaking of dying, the world would be so much better if people died without
pain. They would spare themselves and the closed ones from a lot of pain when
the end result is obvious (death).

Pain hurts. Both physically and mentally.

~~~
tamaharbor
A family member with Stage IV cancer who can hardly move has to Uber into NYC
weekly for them to 'approve' his pain medication. What are they worried about?

~~~
JshWright
The system isn't flexible enough to account for the obviously correct cases.
It has to be designed to combat the malicious actor (at least ostensibly... in
practice it generally fails on both ends)

------
js2
The author was interviewed on today's Morning Edition:

[https://www.npr.org/2019/12/21/790422181/peter-schjeldahl-
on...](https://www.npr.org/2019/12/21/790422181/peter-schjeldahl-on-the-art-
of-dying)

------
throwawaymath
That was phenomenal, beautiful and intense. Wow. I hope we get more writing
like that here on HN.

I feel like I've been drinking the author's life from a cup. Spectating his
memories right alongside him. What an engaging style of writing.

~~~
gxqoz
The New Yorker regularly publishes well-written pieces, if not exactly like
this.

------
jackschultz
I just read that article couple days ago. Incredibly difficult, and I get
stuck wondering what it'll be like for me and make myself tear up.

I highly suggest subscribing to the New Yorker. It's not cheap, I renewed my
subscription gift for my sister which was $150 for the year, but there is
really great writing in there, and it's fun to have something like this type
of writing to look forward to coming in the mail each week.

~~~
erikpukinskis
I also really respect the role they played in exposing Harvey Weinstein. Many
people chose to stay quiet, and they didn't.

------
elliotec
What an unbelievable piece of writing. I am a very unemotional person, but
this hit me right in the little target of feels I may have.

The disjointedness and incohesion of the writing is an analogy to life itself
in a really weirdly perfect way.

Beautiful.

------
cryptozeus
“Life doesn’t go on. It goes nowhere except away. Death goes on. Going on is
what death does for a living. The secret to surviving in the universe is to be
dead.”

~~~
ggm
we're dead a lot longer than we're alive. a lot longer. we're dead longer than
before we lived lasted.

------
andrewfromx
Think of the wake of a ship slicing thru water. The very distant past you can
barely see anymore. The present is very bubbly and froth with waves. After the
wake is completely gone, did it even happen? The body of water is calm and
smooth again, no record of this "event". See Alan Watts on cause and effect;
really discrete events like birth, death or is all of nature just 1 big event?

~~~
shostack
I've heard him in voice tracks on some chillout music and it always makes me
want to listen to more of him.

Is there a good place to find his talks to download?

~~~
andrewfromx
his children run [https://alanwatts.com/](https://alanwatts.com/) and sell
them but you can also find lots on youtube like:
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCpFFxzkLzU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCpFFxzkLzU)

------
smabie
Beautiful writing by a man who seems to have lived exactly the kind of life
all of us should aspire to: a life that encompasses the totality of the human
spirit. While not always easy and most certainly chalk full of regret, the
alternative is of no life at all. I firmly believe one should die thinking
about what a crazy trip it’s been.

------
smarri
Great piece of writing.

"Life doesn’t go on. It goes nowhere except away. Death goes on. Going on is
what death does for a living. The secret to surviving in the universe is to be
dead."

