
The widowhood effect: What it’s like to lose a spouse in your 30s - DiabloD3
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/relationships/the-widowhood-effect/article33344335/
======
quickthrowaway9
I've had to post this using a throwaway as I've had to hide this from my
employer who only hangs onto me as they don't know the magnitude of the
problems we are facing. They think it's a temporary dip in health.

That was throughly depressing and a little too close to home at the moment for
me. I can't work out if it's better to burn out in 42 days or live for 7-10
years with a crippling immune disorder and constant care requirement which is
what my wife faces.

In the space of a week you don't see a difference. In the space of a year, you
realise the change. 2016 disappeared in a flash. We did nothing due to
hospital appointments and illness. I have to work to pay the bills. You can't
live on nothing. So it's work, care, work, care. She declines. We never get to
live.

At the end we're left with nothing.

I implore anyone to enjoy life as soon as possible. Don't save it for a rainy
day. It might never rain. We saved and planned and never got to fulfill our
plans.

And I can't live without her.

~~~
luctor_ad_astra
My wife died from cancer in November. We were married over twenty years. Life
became despair. I can hardly remember 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016. Photos serve
only to realize the delta you don't realize week to week. What a cruel, cruel
disease.

~~~
omginternets
My sincerest and most heartfelt condolences, friend. I can't even begin to
imagine the horror of such a loss.

From one internet stranger to another: I truly feel for you, and I wish you
strength, courage, and ultimately peace.

I wish I could do more, but here's a poem in my native language [0]. Victor
Hugo wrote this shortly after his daughter's death. I hope it brings you some
comfort.

[0]
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demain_d%C3%A8s_l'aube](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demain_d%C3%A8s_l'aube)

------
tominous
My wife was diagnosed with cancer in May/June 2015 and moved into the hospice
last week. We have two young kids and I'm 33.

I have a lot to say, but for now two things. One, she organised health and
life insurance for both of us, and increased them before each child. She's
always been the sensible one. Two, having the kids to look after has made
things incredibly difficult but I don't know where I'd be without them.
Children constantly pull you into the here-and-now. It is so terribly sad that
they'll miss out on their mother and she'll miss out on them.

~~~
wavefunction
My condolences, and I wish you and yours as well as you can be.

~~~
mrbill
My condolences. I know there's not much I could say that would help. Hang in
there.

------
mrbill
Lost my wife seven years ago suddenly at the age of 34 [1]. My first
relationship after her passing was with someone who herself had become widowed
a couple of years before. We'd started out as friends, but ended up dating for
about three months.

It was incredibly healing for both of us to be able to tell stories about
those who had passed, without someone going "WILL YOU SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR DEAD
SPOUSE?"

She's still one of my best friends, seven years later.

[1] [http://ask.metafilter.com/125445/How-do-you-deal-with-the-
un...](http://ask.metafilter.com/125445/How-do-you-deal-with-the-unexpected-
death-of-a-spouse)

~~~
mrbill
I posted this to Reddit a few years ago and still get messages about it every
few days.

"June 16, 2009: my wife suddenly passed away at home, at the age of 34.

I was the one who found her, and she'd been gone for at least an hour if not
more when I did.

We'd been together for eleven years. It wasn't perfect - what marriage is? -
but things had been worse, and were in the process of finally getting better.
Being best friends can help you get through the worst of times. I felt guilty
that one of my thoughts was "at least now we won't fight over stupid crap that
doesn't really matter".

For at least six months, I was on autopilot. I went to work, did what I had to
do to get paid, and just. didn't. care. Ate a lot of fast food because I
didn't want to expend the energy to go to the grocery store. I bought my cats
food from Amazon because they'd deliver it to my front door.

Depression is a horrible thing; only now can I look back and realize just how
bad it was.

It's not every day, but there are times when I think about joining my wife,
but then that would just mean an end result of other people having to deal
with the aftermath of my problems.

There are days when I get home from work and unlock the front door and walk
into a quiet house, where I would give up everything I own to have someone
there to give me a hug and sincerely ask how my day went and honestly care
about my answer.

Something so simple as human touch, compassion, and companionship is worth
more than anything else in the world. If you've got it, if you have someone
that loves you - don't give that up. Don't waste it. Don't be petty or throw
it away because of other little things that don't really matter in the grand
scheme of life.

Some of us wonder if we'll ever get to experience it again."

------
byteCoder
As a young widower myself, I can relate to many of the emotions and grief
expressed in the article.

It's actually no surprise that I ended up meeting, connecting with, and
eventually marrying someone who was widowed in her 30s. From the day we met,
on the loss of a spouse (to cancer in both cases), we understood each other on
a level that others could not.

------
ellenasr
> But there are no traditions

> for how a North American woman

> in the 21st century mourns her partner.

In many Asian cultures, we mourn for those who have passed for about 2 weeks.
Then again 49 days later, and after that at least 3 a year (once on the
anniversary of their death, another during the Tomb Sweeping Day [1], and
another during the Lunar New Year.)

I feel with all these rituals, where family and friends will get together
several times a year, it really does help the grieving process.

I also think this might be the biggest difference between collectivist vs
individualistic societies. Where in collectivist societies, family and friends
might sometimes feel overbearing because they involve themselves even in the
tiniest details of your lives can be a lifesaver during times of extreme
grief.

[1]
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Qingming_Festival](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Qingming_Festival)

~~~
beagle3
Jewish Shiva[0] (not to be confused with the Hindu Shiva) is very effective at
giving mourners a tradition to follow on one hand, and helping/forcing them to
stay on their feet during the first few days. It is observed by the most
secular of Jews, I assume because it fills the need of "what do we do now?"
which is especially prevalent at those times.

Additionally, there are traditional longer term mourning customs not cut
hair/shave for 30 days, no celebrations for 3 months or 12 months depending
whether the lost one is child/sibling or brother, erecting a tombstone no less
than 30 days but no later than 1 year after passing, and additional prayers
for those who pray. These, however, are practiced to much more varying degrees
- none or almost none by the anti-religious secular, to lesser degree by most
people, and religiously by religious people.

[0]
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shiva_%28Judaism%29](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shiva_%28Judaism%29)

------
gumby
It's no easier to lose a spouse when you're older. One thing is if you have a
grieving kid it is harder to get stuck in a hole because you're forced to get
up, help your kid with his grief, and keep food on the table. Astonishingly,
the dog and cat make a huge difference too

~~~
mrbill
This. I had no choice but to keep going, even if it was just for my cats.

------
feydaykyn
Having lost my child six years ago, I am stricken by the similarities in the
ways of grieving, the feelings expressed, the unbearable absence, the
disappearing friends... If the past matches, maybe the future will too, and
you can hope for the return of laughing, even day-long happiness and peace of
mind. One year ago, that wouldn't have been possible.

Many things will still bring you down, a tactless word by an unknowing
personn, a movie where suffering is used as a plot twist to make it more real
by some damned scenarist who doesn't know what he/she is speaking about, the
rage when friends/familly keep forgeting your suffering...

What helped me and may help you: \- knowing there can be light at the end of
tunnel. Grieving can be kept in check, even if you cannot right now.

\- sleeping is vital, everything is uglier when exhausted.

\- not expecting non-grieving people to sympathize with you for a long time,
even for short period, even in your family. There're very rare exceptions, but
try to avoid fighting for sustained awareness, that's a lost bitter battle.
Aim for "one shot compassion".

\- linking with people who are grieving for the same reasons as you, through
forums, non profit, etc. They will understand you and for once you won't need
to retreint yourself. Having a free speech place is instrumental !

I am sorry for your loss. I truly am

------
max0563
I found myself crying multiple times while reading this. I got a taste for her
helpless and sorrow and I couldn't deal with it. I cannot imagine what it
actually feels like to lose someone that you love as dearly as a spouse.

------
solipsism
Thanks to the people who have shared their stories here. I, for one, am going
to use this opportunity as a reminder to make sure I have my and my wife's
affairs in order. Sufficient life insurance, living will, that sort of thing.
I have two small children, and I owe it to them.

I can't imagine living through losing my wife, but if I had to, or if she has
to lose me, I hope the loss and grief aren't commingled with financial
troubles, legal battles, etc.

------
tym0
I had to read it in two times as I started crying uncontrollably half way
through, powerful writing.

~~~
gtr
You're not alone there, one of the most difficult things I've read this year.

------
NamTaf
This resonated with me, thank you for posting it.

I lost my partner of 6 years about 15 months ago when she was 26 and I was 29,
completely unexpectedly. Many of the stages the OP touched on are things I see
reflected through my experience, both over that period and even in the present
day. The part that struck me most of all is the dissonance of having life move
on, somewhat without you. Parts of your life keep progressing - your career
chugs along, you get older, family events still occur, friends reach their
milestones in life - but despite being involved in all that, a big part of you
stays trapped in this stasis of time from the death.

I have barely cleaned my house and just sort of live around our collective
belongings. I still do routines in my life that are completely unnecessary now
but that make me feel like a little less of my life has been completely
inverted and dropped on its head. I haven't dared wipe clean the bathroom
mirror where she wrote a message to me in whiteboard marker wishing me a
fantastic day and telling me how much she loved me a couple of weeks before
her death. I don't quite know how I'm supposed to ever wipe that off, but I
will have to one day because others will eventually need to use that mirror.

Another part that resonated was the need for an alone space during familial
celebrations. Doubly so for me, my partner's birthday was Christmas Day. So
Christmas has now gone from a celebration of family to a weird dual-day of
trying to do that whilst also mourning her life. I find myself sneaking off
for private quiet time now, and I suspect I'll always need that now.

There's so many changes I never would've imagined had you somehow been able to
talk to more than a robotic shell of me just after her death. I'm sure there's
many things I'll still have to face yet. I just hope I can keep clinging to
the progress of life forwards because it takes a tonne of effort not to just
lapse back into that purgatory of constantly wallowing in it. Equally, you
have to give yourself time to grieve when you need it, which is unpredictable
even still. The most effective method I've found for me so far is to remind
myself that I have time to grieve but I must also not waste the life I'm lucky
to have that she was denied, and to live it equal to her expectations she held
of me. Anything less would be the waste of a second life.

Thanks again for the great article. It articulated so many feelings I've not
been able to.

~~~
erikpukinskis
You could buy a glass cutter and a picture frame and cut your message out of
the mirror. Might be useful to help move on without feeling like the past is
destroyed.

~~~
NamTaf
Yeh I've considered something like that, it's a good idea. It's a pretty
shitty mirror too so replacing it would be nice anyway. It was as much an
example of the sort of sentimental hurdles you have to overcome - there's many
more than just that.

------
PascLeRasc
This was a very moving yet difficult read. One of the things I value most in
my relationship is always having someone there to listen to all the minutia of
my day and to hear about theirs. There's always someone there who will be glad
when you have good news and will get pissed off when you do too. In in a way
it feels like living two lives. I can't imagine the shock of that kind of
connection just completely ending one day. She really captured that well in
the writing.

Also, it seems like she purposely cut off the ending how she did so it feels
like there should be something more - just like one or two paragraphs missing.

------
wwweston
“I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round, as a good
time; a kind, forgiving, charitable time; the only time I know of, in the long
calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their
shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really
were fellow passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound
on other journeys.”

(dialogue from Fred, nephew of Scrooge, in Dickens' _A Christmas Carol_)

------
clumsysmurf
Recently on HN there was a story on complicated grief

[https://mosaicscience.com/story/complicated-grief-
bereavemen...](https://mosaicscience.com/story/complicated-grief-bereavement-
death-loss-CBT)

Maybe someone will find it helpful.

------
danso
Don't have anything insightful to add to the excellent OP, except that its
theme of the unspoken grief of young windows reminded me of the best op-ed I
read in the Washington Post last year, titled: "The condolences end. Being a
widow doesn’t"

[https://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2015/11/04/...](https://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2015/11/04/when-
the-second-year-of-widowhood-is-harder/)

------
agumonkey
Once thing that is difficult is to ever consider is being one with someone
else. You find pretty, like, lust, but there's a chair that is still filled.

------
arisAlexis
I am interested into why losing a spouse at 30 after 5 years of marriage is
considered more difficult than losing one ate 60 after 30 years. is it the
unexpected? is it cause if you children there is some continuation?

just seeking discussion

~~~
scarface74
My parents just celebrated their 48th anniversary and were high school
sweethearts before that and are in their early 70s. They retired at 55, have
taken months long vacations and Christmas they were still dancing together and
are in pretty good health. I'm sure when one passes they will be devasted but
when I talk to them, they seem at peace with their mortality and they've
enjoyed a good long life together. They've crossed off their bucket list. I
never hear them say that there is anything they wish they could have done
together that they haven't. When my parents talk they sound like they have a
sense of completeness.

On the other hand, my wife and I are in our early 40s on our second marriages
and have only been married five years. There are a lot of things that we still
want to do together and memories we want to build. After reading this article,
I just wanted to turn over and hold my wife but stopped myself because I have
a cold.

------
rufius
My sister-in-law is going through this right now. Her husband passed away a
little over a year ago.

So much of this resonates with her own experience and what she's told me...
it's as if the article was written by her.

------
pmarreck
At least in your 30's, you're still quite marketable from a re-dating
standpoint (not that that alleviates the present existential pain). Losing
someone in the 50's might arguably be worse

~~~
robattila128
That's just not true, perhaps before the internet you couldn't exactly walk
into every bar and meet as many interested people as you could when you are
30. Now you find just as many 50 year old on dating sites as you do as 30 year
old's.

