
Meeting People Is Easy, but Hard - wallflower
http://yonomitt.com/blog/2016/3/23/meeting-people-is-easy-but-hard
======
EvanKelly
I once received advice on smalltalk that's been interestingly useful.

The advice was to ask questions could be answered with a number. Like "How
long have you lived in New York?" or "How many siblings do you have?"

On the surface those don't seem great at stimulating conversation, but people
seem to automatically expand on the number they give since they feel it
deserves explanation.

I've used it several times when I've been set adrift at a cocktail party
without a conversational thread to pull on.

~~~
mmatants
What really helps me stay engaged in conversations with strangers is directing
my genuine interest in their "story".

What drew you to get into computer science? How did you end up enjoying
accounting? Why did you choose NYC over Tokyo?

When someone asks me what degree I took, the answer is two words: Computer
Science. If they ask me why - now there's a real conversation.

Often, also, it may help to tug even further at that story thread - what
_background_ brought it around? What did the parents do? What was the
formative experience that created the story?

~~~
josephjrobison
These are both great tactics that I hadn't thought of.

My greatest "tactic" for conferences specifically is right after a speaker is
done speaking, go up and ask them followup questions. This might only work at
smaller conferences (like MicroConf, etc) but it's super easy. The speaker
will probably be swarmed by 4+ other people, but this is even better for you.
You're now part of a conversation group that is socially acceptable for you to
just hop into. Wait your turn and ask the speaker a burning question you had.
This way you've already made conversation with this speaker, whom you can talk
to at other social events. You're also opening yourself up to other people in
the talking circle, showing you ask smart questions and they can have
conversation with you. You can also listen to what other people are asking of
the speaker and you can follow up with those people later if it seems that you
might connect.

I learned this halfway through the last conference I went to and I'm totally
going to do it every time now.

~~~
cableshaft
Thanks to your comment, all future dev conferences will have ~85 people
vaulting from their chairs the instant after a speaker's Q&A has officially
ended so they can swarm the guy and ask them a "Question that establishes them
as a smart question asker" as the speaker tries to leave the room. :) Good
advice, though.

------
tomrod
FORD:

\- Family

\- Occupation

\- Recreation

\- Dreams

I'm not a natural talker. Using FORD has opened many, many conversations and,
eventually, doors. I believe I found out about FORD on HN about 6 years back.

~~~
jnicholasp
And you usually want to avoid RAPE:

\- Religion

\- Abortion

\- Politics

\- Economics

Of course, rape itself is also probably not a conversational winner, generally
speaking.

~~~
gkya
Why specifically abortion? I mean with regard to other items you listed, it's
a lot more specific topic, and it's part religion and part politics anyway.

~~~
thecatspaw
I imagine that people can feel that it is wrong, without it beeing linked to
religion or politics.

Note: I do not share the idea that abortion is wrong

~~~
goodJobWalrus
or they couldn't come up with a better A, and RPE just doesn't have a same
ring to it.

------
dimxasnewfrozen
I'm extremely shy AND introverted. I don't like talking to strangers or
meeting new people.

But this one time, I had a job interview in DC and my wife and I were at a bar
enjoying drinks/dinner. Out of no where this young woman sat next to me and
started talking to me. I was extremely uncomfortable/awkward at first but she
asked what I did and I replied that I'm a software engineer. She immediately
responded with "I work for the Chamber of Commerce." This naturally triggered
a conversation about software copyright laws and SOPA. It was the most
enlightening conversation that I've ever had with a stranger. While we had
different opinions, it was very civil and pleasant. My wife was jealous since
I was talking to this woman for so long but it wasn't about her, it was about
the conversation. I generally go out of my way to avoid these interactions but
I was so shocked how it turned out, once I got over the anxiety of talking to
a stranger.

------
elorant
Meeting people for the first time at a convention is far more easier than in
the real world. In a conference you have some common ground to talk about,
you’re both there for the same reason. You introduce yourself, ask them what
they do and then find some topic to go on. In the real world though it’s a
different game altogether. You have to be a master of small talk if you want
to meet people out of the blue.

------
terravion
One thought on talking about the weather: this habit arose when everyone's
livelihood was directly or indirectly tied to local rainfall--so it was more
like discussing the latest macroeconomic news or stock tips or latest web
trends (in tech) than some pointlessly superficial conversation.

~~~
triplesec
in England, talking abou the weather is by far the easiest way to get into an
animated conversation. Seriously. It's because it has one of the most
unpredictable climates, by the hour. (although if you have to, bet on light
rain)

~~~
TheOtherHobbes
At the moment the easiest way to get into an animated conversation - or
possibly a fist fight - is to ask about Europe.

~~~
ptrincr
Staying clear of politics and relgion is always a good bet.

~~~
pbhjpbhj
I don't really understand that, surely it should only be avoided with people
who can't have a civil conversation. These are often interesting topics. I
guess you need to get the measure of your co-conversant first.

------
triplesec
Although this is incidental to teh main topic, for some reason he makes a big
scale of Extraversion and Introversion. However, these are not necessarily the
most helpful constructs, being outdated Jungian ideas comprising of many more
variables that would be much more helpful. In the meanwhile, have a look at
the other scales like the Big 5.
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extraversion_and_introversion](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extraversion_and_introversion)
Please ignore Myers-Briggs because it is demonstrably useless and worse than
that, too plausible.

~~~
tbrownaw
From your link: _Virtually all comprehensive models of personality include
these concepts [intraversion /extraversion] in various forms. Examples include
the Big Five model, [...]_.

So they very much _are_ helpful constructs, and are part of what you suggest
to use as a replacement. Just because they're not the newest and shiniest
doesn't make them bad.

~~~
triplesec
You make a good point, yes the ideas are useful. However, the way they are
still used as labelled buinary opposites make may people think they are
undividable ideas. The replacements use them, but go further, rather than rely
on them as originally created. They sometimes sophisticate the originals,
which is good. The basic idea is interesting, but it is the simple binary
condition of the original that is problematic, not capturing all of the
differences. Unfortunately, the hardest thing in psychology is variable
construction and testing, so it's taking a while to move beyond these too-
broad constructs.

I agree old ideas are not necessarily terrbile at all. Euclid, for example,
had some rather good theorems. However, psychology is rather different.

~~~
gerbilly
I think they never were intended as binary opposites, but as a spectrum with
Introversion on one end and Extroversion on the other.

The fact that the public or the mainstream media polarize the two does not
render the concepts useless.

~~~
triplesec
Even at the ends of a spectrum, they remain imperfect and problematic
constructs. When I said binary, I intended to continue to imply that they are
as pointed out, said to be opposites on one semantic axis. This may have
misled you as to my position, laid out in my previous parent^2 comment. At no
point did I call them useless.

to timwaagh below, if I had done the research to create coherent enough new
constructs I'd be publishing a paper on them, rather than writing a chat
answer.

~~~
gerbilly
Oh sure, these constructs are broad brush strokes, I agree.

------
Jedd
As Charles Warner opined - everyone talks about the weather, but no one
actually does anything about it.

~~~
DrScump
Well done -- it's often misattributed to Mark Twain.

------
joshmn
On a similar note, is there a hackers guide to be social / relationships /
that stuff?

 _if $this, then try [1, 2, 3]_ -ish style?

~~~
blairbeckwith
Not exactly that, but this is by far the best, most thorough resource I've
ever found. I don't need it much anymore, but I used to read it a ton:
[http://www.succeedsocially.com/](http://www.succeedsocially.com/)

------
kafkaesq
_Don’t hide in the bathroom, at the bar, or behind a plate of food._

Or behind a glass, for that matter.

To wit: alcohol obviously can help break the ice in many situations -- but it
can also cause innate skills to atrophy, and have weirdly isolating effects in
a whole bunch other ways.

So use alcohol as a tool (if it works for you) -- but switch it out, now and
then. And make a point of doing all that approaching, "leaning in" (or however
you like to term it) whilst stone cold sober at least as often as when you've
had a glass or two.

------
oxplot
The author gives some examples of questions to ask which is great. However I
find that stories (real or fake) of a complete experience written in third
person (or better as a video) is exponentially more helpful in communicating
all the subtleties of activities that need practice, be it social interaction,
learning to code or playing a sport.

Bullet points and tips put too much pressure and control around learning
something fluidly because the learner is constantly measuring himself/herself
against these "constraints".

------
elwell
Link text says "Extroversion and introversion" but links to wiki page for
"Extraversion and introversion" (the correct spelling).

~~~
TheOtherHobbes
Either spelling is correct.

Extroversion is the original 17th c. spelling, used to mean a literal turning
inside out. The word drifted through Late Romantic mysticism in the 19th c.
and landed in psychology in the early 20th c.

Extraversion is a more recent variant.

(I'm not sure anyone really wanted to know that...)

~~~
sundarurfriend
> (I'm not sure anyone really wanted to know that...)

I did, thanks!

------
hungwunfai
Why is it so important to postpone "what do you do"? I think it is perfectly
fine to ask the direct but sincere question, because it is ultimately the
information you and your counterpart needs.

------
z3t4
As an Extroverted thinker it can also be awkward, I just love to have
discussions. But even on a conference I only find 5% of the people are nerdy
enough to match me.

~~~
z3t4
When you do find someone who match, it's totally awesome.

------
grimoald
Totally unreleated: why is the editor war always Emacs vs. Vi, not Vim? Is
anybody using the original Vi these days?

~~~
mcculley
When I invoke vi on a machine, I really have no idea what the implementation
is. I imagine it is Vim on most Linux machines. I've been using vi for so long
on so many types of systems that I only really use a safe subset anyway. I
don't use any Vim extensions, so it makes sense to refer to it as vi as that
is how I think of it. I imagine many others think of it the same way.

------
Thane2600
my complete shock that anything in this article is unknown to all is inversely
proportional to my programming abilities.

~~~
nfd
I... can't parse that sentence.

~~~
zodiac
Stanford Parser
([http://nlp.stanford.edu:8080/parser/index.jsp](http://nlp.stanford.edu:8080/parser/index.jsp))
actually parses it correctly!

    
    
      (ROOT
      (S
        (NP
          (NP (PRP$ my) (JJ complete) (NN shock))
          (SBAR (IN that)
            (S
              (NP
                (NP (NN anything))
                (PP (IN in)
                  (NP (DT this) (NN article))))
              (VP (VBZ is)
                (ADJP (JJ unknown)
                  (PP (TO to)
                    (NP (DT all))))))))
        (VP (VBZ is)
          (ADVP (RB inversely))
          (VP (VBG proportional)
            (PP (TO to)
              (NP (PRP$ my) (NN programming) (NNS abilities)))))
        (. .)))
    

I agree that it's quite convoluted, but surprisingly it's not incorrect

~~~
SilasX
Funny how they can write a parser that converts natural language strings into
a syntax tree, but they can't configure an nginx proxy on port 80 :-p

