

Ask HN: Coming out of a long bout of depression, need some life advice.  - c250d07

I’ve always had an interest in computers, but studied Sociology in university. I finished my degree during the summer of 08--right before the recession hit my area very hard. Then I took up a lot of random writing and entry level programming freelance gigs to make the rent (kind of a digital blue-collar worker).<p>Since then, I’ve been going through a very long period of anxiety and depression (long family history), sometimes very severe. After a lot of counseling, some medication, and getting my shit together (exercise, diet, etc), I feel like I’ve finally gotten better.<p>I feel like I’m transitioning into a new period of life. Work feels so much easier to do. But, I can’t help but feel guilty. A lot of years feel like they’ve been wasted and some pretty bad mistakes were made when I first started freelancing.<p>Needless to say, I’m going to continue to pursue programming and eventually entrepreneurship.<p>Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.
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impendia
I recommend meditation. You can either find a group in your area (which is
also great for making friends) or read books by Pema Chodron or others.

Meditation is, in my experience, a great way to deal with guilt. (And I say
this having dealt with guilt a lot.) You don't try to fight the guilt, or deny
anything. You just experience it briefly if it comes, and then return your
focus to your breathing.

~~~
c250d07
I'm in the early stages of starting mindfulness meditation. Would you
recommend one form of meditation over another for dealing with guilt?

~~~
paulsutter
You may want to choose according to the groups in your area. For example, here
in the bay area I'm familiar with San Francisco Zen Center, and Spirit Rock
which is up in Marin county but has teachers all over the bay area.

It helped me a lot to have a group to sit with weekly. How you feel about the
group is a pretty good way to choose.

The individual schools are really pretty similar. Tricycle is a magazine that
publishes articles from teachers from the three major schools of Buddhism.
When you read it you realize the fundamentals are very much the same in each
school.

Once you have studied for a while you will view guilt very differently.
Through equanimity you can learn to see things as they really are without
judging them. It's hard to explain through this iPhone keyboard, but I can
assure you that it's about the best thing you can do to shift your perspective
to become more compassionate towards yourself and others.

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jamesbritt
It gets better. I know that may sound trite, but having been there and done
that my life is much, much better than it was. In fact, I love my life.

Some things to know:

First, it's not your fault. Learn from the past and move on.

Know a good psychiatrist, someone who listens to you and can help you find the
right drugs. There's no magic bullet and and you may have to try a few things
to find what works best for you. I made a point of researching depression and
brain chemistry, at least enough to get a sense of what was working for me and
(possibly) why, and was able to bring suggestions for newer drugs for
treatment to my doctor.

If you're on meds, the drugs that work may not always work, so be mindful that
you may need to switch meds.

You may not have to take meds forever. But even if you do it's no worse than a
diabetic needing insulin shots.

Some people like to stigmatize the mentally ill. They can go fuck themselves.

I pissed away a lot of time (long story) and would love to get it back, but
that's not going to happen, so the next best thing is to make the most of what
time is left.

While it sucks to have depression, we're the lucky ones; not everyone makes
it. Be grateful, and make the most of what you have.

If you, or any other HN'er, wants to contact me about depression, my info is
in my profile. It can help to talk to people, but it's hard for people to
understand if they've not been through it themselves.

~~~
c250d07
> If you're on meds, the drugs that work may not always work, so be mindful
> that you may need to switch meds.

Much like you did, I researched the hell out of this. And after a lot of
reading I determined it would be best to take meds in combination with talk
therapy (CBT in my case). Happily, this worked, and I'm no longer on anything
other than the occasional Xanax.

> so the next best thing is to make the most of what time is left.

That is very true, and I forget about this fact when thinking about all that
time that's been, as you say, pissed away.

Thank you very much for your thoughtful reply.

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jdorfman
I have suffered from bipolar disorder for more than 10 years. I have been
hospitalized once for 2 weeks. I felt like a complete failure. But as time
went on things got better. Here is some advice. Don't make any big decisions
while you are are feeling like shit. Be patient, it will get better. As time
goes on the guilt will disappear. Last but certainly not least, never ever go
off your medication no matter how good you feel. Hang in there, you will be
fine. :-)

~~~
locopati
Along the lines of 'never ever go off your medication'...pay attention to what
you eat and how it affects you. It took me a long time to connect that some
foods (like sugar) can trigger depressive states and even longer to undo the
habits.

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ams6110
Don't dwell on what you might have done differently in the past. It's done;
there's no changing it. In economic terms, it's a sunk cost[1].

What you can control is what you do today and in the future. That's where you
should focus your energies.

[1] <http://www.businessdictionary.com/definition/sunk-cost.html>

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diwank
It's great to hear that you've gotten better and want to pursue programming. A
vital piece of advice I'd like to share is to Live Curious. Never stop
learning. Keep trying new things. Connect with as many people as you can.
Learn to cook. Get a bike. Visit random places. But most importantly, don't
forget to have fun and make friends.

> _I've been going through a very long period of anxiety and depression... I
> can’t help but feel guilty._

Life is arduous. It can really get lonesome pretty quickly. But take my word
for it, you have no reason to feel guilty. The time you think was "wasted" was
actually spent morphing you into a better human being. Be proud of the fact
that you were able to get over your depression. We are all here for you.

On a different note, I'd love to help you learn programming. Shoot me an email
if you feel inclined to.

singh@diwank.name

You could also look around for people looking for freelancers here:
<http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3783658>

~~~
read_wharf
Everything you say is good, including the last line about freelancers. But I
wonder if the alternative of a steady job might also be worth considering,
just to remove the stress of finding the next gig for a couple of years.

~~~
diwank
A steady job is a very good idea (depending on who you ask). I just didn't
want to make the assumption that he has a large enough skill set for a regular
programming job.

~~~
read_wharf
The cool thing is, he could back into a programming job. Intern, QA, semi-
technical gopher, job got through a friend, whatever. He seems to have _some_
chops. If he's there for M months, and moves himself into a programming job
for N months, he gets to say on his resume:

    
    
        JobCo
        M to N
        Role: Programmer, etc, etc
    

It's an option among options.

~~~
diwank
Indeed. That'd be incredible if he can manage that. Plus, he'll gain a lot
experience.

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DanBC
Hello,

The UK Office for National Statistics (a respected, trustworthy organisation)
say that 1 in 4 people will suffer a mental health problem at some point
during their lifetime. (This includes many very mild forms of illness.) They
also say that 1 in 6 people will suffer a MH problem severe enough to need
treatment.

Imagine for a moment that you had broken a limb. You'd wear a cast for a
while. Maybe you'd need to use a crutch or a sling. And when the cast was
removed you'd gently exercise to build up strength.

Would you feel guilty about that? Why?

You say that you feel like so many years have been wasted. Those years have
not been wasted. You have learnt valuable things. You have learnt techniques
to recognise and deal with stress. You have learnt the importance of good
eating and sleeping. You are working. You now have a set of skills that other
people don't have.

You say that you wasted some years. Well, so what? The only thing that affects
is savings plans - compound interest is handy. But that's easy to fix. You
just live frugally and pay more in now. Everything else is fine. People change
their lives and do different things all the time.

Did you learn any Cognitive Behaviour Therapy techniques? Perhaps you could
apply those to your feelings of guilt / anxiety?

But, importantly, congratulations on taking back control of your life. I very
much hope that your recovery journey continues. Good Luck!!

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bsenftner
Read and understand about "Cognitive Distortions" - the methods we use to lie
to ourselves. It has helped me significantly.
<https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion>

I also suggest you enroll in an MBA program, even one class at a time, if
necessary. Optimism is alive and in abundance in MBA programs, and it will
infect you in a positive way. Plus, the skills gained will support practically
everything you want to do for the rest of your life.

If an MBA program sounds suspicious to you, pick any issue of Harvard Business
Review and read it cover to cover. The articles are "how to" for business
situations, but in reality are describing how to accomplish goals at the edges
of one's capabilities. That's infectious too.

And, of course, exercise 3-6 times a week, eat all your meals, eat healthy
meals, get good sleep, and completely ignore recreational drugs, including
alcohol. There's always time for that crap after you have some professional
and financial security beneath you.

A book I really got inspired by: "How to be a Billionaire".
[http://www.amazon.com/How-Billionaire-Proven-Strategies-
Tita...](http://www.amazon.com/How-Billionaire-Proven-Strategies-
Titans/dp/0471416177)

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jacobquick
hey thanks for posting this, I'm about to start wellbutrin this month myself

