
Research shows the difference between emotional and informational support - curtis
https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/love-cycles-fear-cycles/201807/don-t-tell-me-what-do
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Booktrope
There's even more interesting research indicating that context of support is
crucial. (Gable, et al, Safely Testing the Alarm: Close Others’ Responses to
Personal Positive Events, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2012,
Vol. 103, No. 6, 963–981)

This interesting study provides strong evidence, it's much easier to support a
partner in context of a positive event than in context of a negative event.
Context appears to play an even more important role than responsiveness or
sensitivity of the person giving support. In fact, even if a partner
recognizes that he or she received helpful support for a negative event
shortly after the event occurred, by several weeks later the support is not
generally remembered as positive.

If you want to support your partner in a helpful way, make sure you're
supporting them when good things happen, and don't count on rescuing someone
when things go wrong.

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ajeet_dhaliwal
Celebrating a ten year anniversary with my wife next week. I’m happy to report
I have learned to change my behavior in this respect over the years. I listen
now rather than do what I did before: receive input, analyze, identify issues,
formulate potential solutions and offer options and resolutions. It’s actually
so much more relaxing for me too.

~~~
craftyguy
What you described is offering informational support.

~~~
jv22222
I the op missed a "than" in the sentence and what they mean is they only
listen and do not do those other things.

i.e: "now rather <than> input"

~~~
craftyguy
Yep, and now my comment based on GP's comment before edit (done after my
comment) dies in a fire. Such is the HN way.

~~~
hutzlibu
Have some upvotes then ... btw. is a Upvote informational or emotional
Support? I think, both?

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colanderman
I find it funny that the article's conclusion is "stop giving informational
support when emotional support is asked for" rather than "stop asking for
emotional support when only informational support is up for offer". It's
possible -- I'd dare say likely -- that those giving informational support do
so because they are not as capable to give emotional support and may feel
drained by it. It's a bit of a harmful conclusion to low-EQ individuals, in
the same way that "people who don't like parties should be more outgoing" is
harmful to introverts.

People are different and relationships are give and take. There's no "right
personality" that people should be fixing themselves to match. There's only
mutual understanding and compromise. _Recognizing_ that your partner may be
searching for a type of support which you are not giving is very important,
but only in the greater context of also recognizing both your and your
partner's abilities, and reaching a mutual understanding how to bridge that
gap.

~~~
User23
Fortunately it's quite easy to provide a compelling facsimile of emotional
support. You just shut up and maybe hold the person while not obviously paying
attention to something else.

~~~
chongli
How does one accomplish the same task via text message? I'm asking this
sincerely. I've often found myself attempting to provide emotional support
over a text conversation and it's really difficult not to feel helpless and
drained by it.

There's only so much you can write "I understand. I support you. Etc." It
starts to make you feel like a broken record. Trying to _just listen_ leads to
them asking "are you still there? Are you mad at me?"

~~~
jolmg
Right. A lot of emotional support comes from touch and tone of voice, things
you can't transmit via text. In text, your tools are limited to choosing your
words and maybe emoticons (if you normally don't use them). The former is more
powerful than the latter, because it takes more effort, and what one needs to
communicate primarily is proof that you care.

For example, if this person is expressing doubts about their ability to do
something they must, maybe you can express to them why you think they are able
by describing the positive qualities you've observed in them (you've taken
notice because you care about them) that sets them up to achieving it. If you
also think they're unable, maybe it's still a good idea to fail to learn from
the experience. You can explain how this sets them up for growth. If it's
really bad to fail, maybe you can somehow help them in the task. Even if it
doesn't ensure success, increasing the chances a little is often great.
Presence can also be very powerful, even if you don't do anything besides
being there.

Another example, if they express regret over a difficult choice they made and
later saw was wrong, you can remind them that it's not fair to judge their
decision after seeing the results. After all, their past self couldn't see the
future, and made the best decision they could with the information they had
available at the time. The best they can do is learn from it and move forward
from that point.

Anyway, originality is key. Otherwise, it seems like a generic copy-and-paste
response, and that's not effort.

EDIT: added to the first example.

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mturmon
The problem of offering solutions when what is wanted is emotional support is
especially easy for engineers and other problem-solvers to fall into.

~~~
gedy
This "problem" goes both ways - many people get very stressed and depressed
when listening to someone just "needing to vent" and who does not want/need
solutions.

~~~
wavefunction
You're ignoring that the solution is to listen and absorb and not offer some
way to 'fix' the issue.

It seems like a solution-oriented individual should feel comfortable offering
that solution.

~~~
colanderman
Or the "solution" is for people who have issues but don't want help fixing
them not to vent to people who don't have the patience for that. Listening to
woe -- especially woe stemming from problems with easy solutions -- is
emotionally draining.

Like the GP said, it's a two-way street. Understand your friends and loved
ones and compromise.

~~~
wavefunction
Again I think you're ignoring the actual solution.

Relationships are not 50/50 compromises. They're a dance of compromises in
favor of one party or another at different times. You've got to decide as an
individual if the balance is acceptable and I can't say that you seem very
giving from your posts.

Again, that's a choice and your right but don't expect reality to conform to
your desires because it rarely will.

~~~
colanderman
And I could say the same for your posts, which posit a single problem and
solution ("the actual solution" \-- lol!) as if that is what they are. I'm the
one who pointed out the ridiculousness of favoring one personality by default
and suggested that compromise and understanding your partner is the name of
the game -- and you dare say _I 'm_ unaccommodating?

Exactly as you said, relationships are a complex negotiation. Claiming that
inability to simply sit and listen to solvable troubles is "the problem" is
unhelpful. It is _SOMETIMES_ the problem -- probably more often than not --
but sometimes people just whine too much and are too full of themselves to
accept much needed help and it's unhelpful to blame the listener for not
wanting to sit through that emotionally draining experience every day of their
life.

~~~
dwaltrip
It sounds like you are talking about people who have significant issues
regulating their emotions. I definitely agree those situations are much more
difficult. Sometimes, if possible, the winning move is to not play.

Perhaps you could have explicitly stated your context in the beginning, as it
seems most others were assuming two relatively well-adjusted individuals.

~~~
colanderman
Yes, sorry, I should have made that clear. I'm the "informational" type and
learned long ago to just listen to complaints, especially from casual
acquaintances. But I've also met my fair share of people who willingly dump
some pretty serious issues on me -- issues that are within their power, if not
their will, to fix -- and my inability to be the emotional sponge these
individuals seek is emphatically _not_ a problem with _me_ , or with anyone
else in that situation.

------
mkolodny
It really helped me understand this article to follow the link describing what
the author means by "Emotional Support":
[https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/empathy](https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/empathy)

Basically, emotional support is "understanding another person's thoughts,
feelings, and condition from their point of view, rather than from your own"

~~~
extra88
That link is just a description of empathy. My problem-solving tendencies come
from my understanding the other person’s feelings, how does one demonstrate
that understanding in only an “emotional support” way?

~~~
iovrthoughtthis
Try not to posite a solution.

Listen, don’t speak over them.

Acknowledge, respond in a way which indicated that you empathise with their
emotional state, often by mirroring language, tone, words, body language etc.

Guide, ask questions that indicate that you’re open to hearing more about
their issues, sometimes worth a “It’s ok if you don’t want to say but, what
happened...”

Thank them for sharing with you.

Done.

~~~
extra88
> Try not to posite a solution. Listen, don’t speak over them.

I got that, I can do that with conscious effort.

> often by mirroring language, tone, words, body language etc.

I can avoid using my words for things instead of theirs, especially minimizing
ones like “hassle” or “inconvenience”, I can avoid closed-off body language
like crossing my arms and maybe keep my voice in a different register for a
little while but beyond that it come off as an attempt at mimicking, not
helpful.

> Guide, ask questions that indicate that you’re open to hearing more about
> their issues, sometimes worth a “It’s ok if you don’t want to say but, what
> happened...” Thank them for sharing with you.

That sounds like an example for someone you don’t actually know very well.

> Done.

Until tomorrow.

~~~
adamsea
My two cents is to practice what was described in the post above, and then do
a personal postmortem analysis after-the-fact of how you did.

Also to try and adopt an observational, almost anthropological attitude when
interacting with other people. Observe their behavior, observe how it makes
you feel, what your body language is, and then observe their responses to your
own words and changes in behavior / body language.

Like any skill it takes practice. And just because a skill comes harder to
some than others doesn’t mean it can’t be meaningfully improves through
practice.

------
epx
Remembers me what happens when I have patience to talk a minute with a beggar.
Ask where he comes from, this kind of chit-chat. The initial money request is
often forgotten. People really want to be noted, acknowledged they exist, and
heard. Food for the soul is almost more important than physical food.

~~~
oska
A guy who was homeless for 25 years in Australia (and who recently wrote a
book about his experiences) agrees very strongly with what you're saying:

> I was recently asked by someone what they should do when they come across a
> homeless person. My response to this question is quite simple. Maybe you
> cannot make a difference to that person’s circumstance, but you can make a
> difference to how you see them. Many are hurting with the shame and stigma
> of being homeless. Don’t pretend they don’t exist: they are people too. [1]

[1]
[https://www.theguardian.com/books/2018/jun/25/after-25-years...](https://www.theguardian.com/books/2018/jun/25/after-25-years-
of-being-homeless-i-learned-theres-one-simple-thing-you-can-do-to-help-
gregory-p-smith)

------
Consultant32452
Every time this subject comes up I can't help but feel like society does a
somewhat reasonable job of identifying and discouraging negative masculine
behavior but doesn't do the same for negative feminine behavior. Why is the
feminine personality position assumed to be the "correct" one that everyone
must adjust to? Sure, everyone is entitled to a little whining time, and
hopefully your partner is empathetic when the need arises, but perhaps it
would be better if we discouraged whining in favor of solutioning.

~~~
Daido_M
I agree with this. Some amount of emotional venting is completely healthy but
when it gets to the point where someone is unable to deal with any negative
emotions on their own, and must rely on other people for support for even the
smallest day-to-day mishap, that's their problem, not everyone else's.

And, like what you said, sometimes the solution really is more important than
the emotions. This is especially true for the small things, which are the bulk
of what we face every day anyway.

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tombh
Listening is like walking alongside someone, whereas informing is like walking
in front of someone. Ultimately life itself is a "problem" that has no
destination, it's just nicer to know we're in it together.

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staunch
It sounds stupid but I first learned this concept from the movie "White Men
Can't Jump" in 1992 when I was just a kid. I don't accept the idea as a hard
rule but I do think it's a valuable perspective to understand.

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajBHZKoKYbU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajBHZKoKYbU)

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sjclemmy
From my experience this is a foundational idea in a marriage / coupling. Took
me many years to realise there were two forms of support and more importantly
that my response was always solutional.

I am now able to sit and listen without offering answers.

~~~
klippoteket
Same here, also took years to understand that my wife just want to be listened
to and not given solutions every 5 sec. Happy wife = happy life!

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lwhsiao
Jason Headley made a very entertaining video on the topic:
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg)

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hguhghuff
I really failed at this in my relationship.

~~~
mi_lk
Yep, really learned it the hard way.

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naveen99
Interesting, they found men also prefer emotional support. It’s just that
informational support is better than no support for them while not a subset of
women who really dislike informational support.

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mettamage
Isn't it principle instead of principal? Or does principal have somekind of
meaning similar to priniciple?

Non-native English speaker here.

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snek
this is one of the big ideas of dialectical behavior therapy. if anyone wants
to dig more into this school of thought i recommend googling DBT.

~~~
tombh
I'd say it's a prevailing theme in most modern psychotherapeutic practices

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lostmsu
I feel like study lacks the overall effect on happiness in the long run. We
all know short term effects from the personal experience.

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wiradikusuma
I'm very interested with the finding, but what is emotional support exactly?
Can anyone give concrete example?

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pokemongoaway
This article is supporting me informationally and not emotionally. Hypocrites!

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graycat
My real world experience is that, if a person has had to wait for that article
to get its lessons, then from lack of those lessons and many more that are
much more subtle, they probably got divorced soon after marriage or never got
married!!!!

