
Ask HN: As an adult introvertish nerd what makes you happy? - starlord
Since I got out of college, I have been trying to hustle through for growth and am finally running a funded startup now as founder&#x2F;CTO. But last 6-7 years have just gone by damn fast. Always loved learning new stuff, but don&#x27;t have enough time to really be immersive in anything. Now when I see an interesting problem in math&#x2F;physics I can hardly give it an actual shot and it makes me very very sad deep down. Developing a strong desire to go back to college if this unhappiness continues, but has that really worked for anyone here?<p>&gt; PS: I tried the philosophy as per http:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.paulgraham.com&#x2F;todo.html:<p>[x] &quot;Don&#x27;t ignore your dreams&quot; =&gt; Doing it. Makes some part of a day to feel good... |<p>[?] &quot;Don&#x27;t work too much&quot; =&gt; difficult to achieve in combo with above :( |<p>[?] &quot;Say what you think&quot; =&gt; Not easy as an introvert INTP, but learning |<p>[?] &quot;Cultivate friendships&quot; =&gt; Damn difficult to meet genuine folks after college (Would love any suggestions on where to find them... Definitely not facebook :&#x2F; ) |<p>[ ] &quot;Be happy&quot; =&gt; Nope. This is just not working...
======
cpfohl
Even as an introvert it's always people.

After college, before getting married my (now) wife and I had the same problem
- but we noticed it wasn't just us: everyone we knew felt lonely. We decided
to start getting together with all our friends and acquaintances almost every
night after work. We hosted or set it up for about two weeks before it took on
a life of its own and we didn't have to be present for each night; our
acquaintances (at that point friends because of the magic of "spending time
together") started setting stuff up on their own. It lasted for about a year
or two, where you could pretty much always count on someone to be around who
you'd want to hang with.

Keep in mind that I'm mildly introverted, but my wife is much moreso - and
both of us enjoyed this immensely.

You're an introvert, so you probably are intimidated by meeting a large crowd
of people you don't know. I know I am. Meetups are hard. Joining a group for
an activity is hard. The nice thing about asking the friends/acquaintances you
do have (however distant) if they want to make dinner at 5, join you for a
drink at 6, or play this new game you got is that you've skipped the hard part
about meetups by only meeting people you already know.

Just a reminder introversion is _not_ anti-social.

~~~
jchw
I'm pretty lonely too, but I have two problems:

1\. I don't feel like I have enough energy to do things after work, and I find
myself unable to socialize for long periods of time.

2\. My friends, or at least friends I know in the real world, are running into
number 1, and often have different work schedules anyways.

Modern society feels isolating. When I try to be social, I find many people
are disinterested. I myself hardly have any energy to be social even though I
feel like it would be good for me. Perhaps general health has something to do
with this too, but it sure isn't convenient.

~~~
dasmoth
I think the obsession of many modern workplaces with “team stuff” is making
things pretty hard for some introverts. If I could work (truly —- i.e. no
interruptions at all unlesss something’s on fire) solo for a couple of days a
week, I suspect I’d be a whole lot more sociable in the evenings...

~~~
cpfohl
No work from home option for you? Can't take Tuesday Thursday to get stuff
done?

~~~
dasmoth
I do to an extent, and certainly appreciate it!

But it’s hard to disconnect completely when everyone else is at work. Having a
corporate chat system doesn’t help in this regard, but even without that the
interruptions come.

A couple of times last year I ended up doing a fullish day of work at the
weekend for some or other urgent project. Now _that_ I find amazingly
productive, going on outright invigorating. Not something I really want to
make a habit of though (family, plus no shortage of ideas for side projects).

I do dream of true team-of-one jobs...

------
Delmania
[http://theoatmeal.com/comics/unhappy](http://theoatmeal.com/comics/unhappy)

Also, there's a passage in Meditation by Marcus Aurelius I think would do you
well. To paraphrase, if you turn your full attention to the present task, not
worrying about the future, and letting the past go, nothing can stop you from
living a good life.

> Always loved learning new stuff, but don't have enough time to really be
> immersive in anything. Now when I see an interesting problem in math/physics
> I can hardly give it an actual shot and it makes me very very sad deep down.

I have something for you to do. Take a moment to sit down, and write about the
things you knew how to do you first graduated from college, and the things you
know how to do now. I'd say from your experiences as a founder and a CTO,
you've learned some things that are more valuable than math or physics.

~~~
blaster151
That Oatmeal strip is wonderful - thank you for posting.

------
jcbrand
Concerning "Be happy".

The easiest way to be happy is to be "present". "Be here now" as the saying
goes. Recognize that in this present moment, everything is fine. You are
experiencing the incredible miracle of being alive, of having awareness.
Relish it. Appreciate it. It's fleeting and then perhaps gone forever (who
knows?).

Neurotic thoughts of fear, anxiety, dissatisfaction, embarrassment and
whatever else are firstly thoughts, and secondly projections into the future
or recreations of the past.

The future and the past don't exist except as concepts. What exists is only
the present. When the future "happens" (so to speak), it's in the present that
it happens.

To be fully present means to not project or recreate, but to simply observe
what is, without attachment to any emotion or thought.

In the previous sentence is an implied contradiction which needs to be
resolved. To be happy, you have to give up attachment to any outcome (i.e.
wanting to be happy).

Meditation is the best way I know how to learn how to detach from your
thoughts and emotions and to be fully aware and present in the current moment.

I'm not always happy, but compared to 10-12 years ago, I'm incredibly happy.
Meditation, being present, letting go of negative thought patterns (by simply
observing them and not attaching to them and thereby loosening their grip)
have contributed a great deal to that.

~~~
starlord
Ok, let me rephrase. With enough experiences I have become cognizant of the
fact that I don't always have to be in "happy" mode. In fact just like any
piece of harmony, I appreciate all the high notes and low notes life throws at
me now with more or less similar outlook.

What I am looking for though is being more content with what I am doing with
the time I have here in this lifetime. I believe there could be much better
ways of progressing through life than what I am doing right now, hence seeking
advice to better refine that pursuit towards perhaps a few more high notes
than low notes in life :)

------
thisone
I stopped pigeon holing myself as an introvert.

I quite literally looked at my life, thought about where I wanted to be, and
then looked at what traits I'd need to cultivate in order to get there.

One of them was 'how to have a conversation with people' which was hard to
learn, and embarrassing to practice, but I got there. I'm not 'extrovert' at
it, and it is exhausting, but I'm no wallflower any longer.

Another one was 'how to disagree with someone and not be deferential, passive
aggressive, or just plain aggressive about it' this I'm still working on, but
I've gotten better at it.

Thankfully, the 'I can do it myself' attitude I had to cultivate as a child,
gave me a good foundation of life skills. I can travel alone, attend
conferences alone, eat out alone, generally take care of myself. I just needed
to add some extra skills to be able to get to the 'happy' point.

~~~
KKKKkkkk1
_Another one was 'how to disagree with someone and not be deferential, passive
aggressive, or just plain aggressive about it' this I'm still working on, but
I've gotten better at it._

What is the key to getting better at this, in your experience?

~~~
thisone
My biggest problem is deferring and when I don't do that, I railroad or say
'fuck this, I'm doing it anyway'. None of which is useful or productive.

But for me it boils down to an inferiority problem. What has helped is
recognizing that feeling of 'something about this isn't right' and instead of
either pushing it down (because I don't want to look stupid) or immediately
saying 'hey that's shit but I can't tell you why' I take some time to really
think about where that feeling is coming from.

Then, if I find the problem quickly enough, I specifically talk about and
explore that, trying to be extremely careful to not use any 'blame' language.
Because laying blame is unhelpful and makes people defensive. What I want out
of these interactions is the best solution, not to be right.

If I don't find the reason for the feeling quickly enough I try to keep my
mouth shut. Just because I've got a feeling that something isn't adding up,
doesn't mean it's true.

~~~
blaster151
I relate to this. In my case it's exacerbated by my need to take time to come
to conclusions (sometimes even overnight). I need to let things percolate in
my subconscious and only then can I determine whether my intuitive reaction
was "valid" or was based on a projection or an insecurity. Finding the right
words to articulate it to others can take even longer. I have to get better at
"placeholder responses" like "I'm interested in that and I want to respond,
but I feel like I need some time to get my thoughts together around it."

------
mbrock
Meditating, reading, writing, walking, cooking, cuddling, thinking,
accounting, hacking, bathing, cats, getting up early, keeping a tidy home,
traveling now and then...

Happiness is quite a strange thing. Maslow-type basic needs is a big part of
it. And not being stressed. Like, how often do you feel satisfied to just sit
around for a while? Have a bath? Listen to some great music?

I still struggle with social life, especially living in a foreign country. As
an introvert I don't get intrinsic pleasure from social interactions, but
still, relationships are very rich and interesting.

Board games are a curious example of a way to interact with some (artificial)
structure and purpose, where the real motivation is actually interaction
itself, and playing. You get to exercise various social habits. Other social
contexts are also a bit like this... You can approach them as interesting ways
of playing together. Maybe there is such a thing as different preferences
regarding competition vs cooperation...

------
kenbolton
I am single, live alone (with a blind dog I am re-teaching to hike with me),
and work as a software developer exclusively remote. I started a meetup to
teach aspiring developers that has evolved into a "stitch-and-bitch" where
everyone teaches, got a side-hustle teaching and guiding sea kayak trips, and
volunteer as a snowboard instructor. I probably sound like a jock, but you
would recognize me as a nerd. And I am HAPPY!

0\. Quit your job. I know this isn't reasonable for most people, but it was
the best move toward happiness I ever made. I just hit ten years without full-
time employment. 1\. Create a hobby for yourself and become skilled or expert
in something outside of work. 2\. Start a meetup. The one I started came from
working out of the local coffee shop when the baristo asked if I could help
him learn html/css/js. 3\. Find a side-hustle. I need new challenges, and
while software engineering provides loads of those, that is just "tagging up".
4\. Volunteer. Give time to your communities. 5\. Exercise. Your biz probably
keeps your mind sharp, but keeping your body sharp will yield tremendous
mental dividends. As a kid, when I complained about doing school work, my mom
would tell me to do 100 pushups. 6\. Read. For pleasure as well as for work.
7\. Meditate.

Going back to school has its appeal, but has financial and opportunity costs.
I was an unmotivated student and only performed academically when I took too
few or too many classes.

You have created an illusion for yourself around time, an illusion that it is
moving quickly _and_ that you don't have any. You don't have any because you
don't TAKE IT. Is there anything you always wanted to do? Go do it! Tell your
team that you are taking an afternoon off every week to pursue X.

I always liked the notion not of "human being" but rather "human becoming".

~~~
amelius
How do you deal with financial stress? There's a study that says that
financial stress has a big impact on one's health and can even lower one's IQ
by 13 points.

[http://www.nj.com/mercer/index.ssf/2013/09/princeton_univers...](http://www.nj.com/mercer/index.ssf/2013/09/princeton_university_study_finds_financial_stress_can_lower_iq.html)

~~~
kenbolton
First, I never under-bid on a contract, except once in exchange for equity
that seems to be panning out. Know your value and values. Stick to them.

When I quit full-time employment at a major US university, my first contracts
brought in far more than I had been earning. A former colleague there used to
quip, "half a day's work for half a day's pay". Still, I had about six months
of mortgage payments and other living expenses saved before I took the
(abrupt) leap.

I took some part time gigs minding friends' art galleries to cover groceries
and to get me out of the house. I've added side-hustles as a way to improve my
communication skills and get me into other communities.

When I quit, I made the transition from project management to software
engineering. I taught myself python and javascript. I learned how to do stuff
with Django. I contributed to open-source projects, first improving
documentation, then code. Those activities increased my sense of self-worth
and reduced stress.

And I cut way back on expenses. I eliminated dining out and drinking. One of
the perks of my side hustle is deep discounts on clothing and gear required
for the job.

To manage the stress, I started hiking every day. (Actually, that wasn't the
reason, but a side effect. The reason was to help a roommate lose 50 pounds,
then the next roommate another 50 pounds. Bringing in roommates also offset
some of the costs of living.) Removing four hours of daily commute let me hike
an hour a day and still have three bonus hours that I could devote to other
stress-relieving strategies such as reading or meditating.

Financial stress is just stress, as far as I'm concerned. I had one major
financial obligation, a mortgage three years old at the time right as the
financial crisis hit in 2008. If things had gotten very bad, I probably would
have short-sold my house, moved in with friends or family, and/or found a
lower-cost community to call home. And nothing but stubbornness and a desire
to work on my terms prevented me from seeking regular employment.

If I had a partner and/or kids, the calculus would have been different.
Another breadwinner would have smoothed the finances. Kids might have
prevented a move entirely, though I'm not certain. My dad lost his engineering
job when I was seven. He took on contracting work until one of the contractees
hired him as SVP of engineering.

An ex just visited for a month with her boyfriend. He lost his job as an EMT
in Alaska because of structural changes in state employment. We spent a lot of
time talking about what we _really_ need to survive. He says they can live
happily in Anchorage on about 18k/year. (Health insurance there for them costs
1/10 of what it costs where I am.)

Just because you have financial security at your current gig today doesn't
mean next month's check is going to clear. The boss works for you, you don't
work for the boss.

------
noemit
To answer original question, the things that make ME happy. Which might be
pretty different from you even if we are both nerdy introverts:

\- My dogs

\- Laughing at my favorite youtubers' new videos

\- Reading (at home, at coffee shops, at work)

\- My loved ones

\- Helping others

\- Becoming a better person

\- Writing

Response to body text:

\- Things that you enjoy such as hobbies change over time, but with some
effort you can always go back and do them again. Find out what you like and do
it.

\- College could be a great choice for you, but unfortunately there is little
guarantee it could make you genuinely happy. Speak with other people who are
in programs that you might want to try - really get to know them. See if they
are happy or have a lifestyle you want to have.

\- Is there anything you can do to get more time? Are you consulting a lot -
do you need to? If all your time is taken up by your primary employment - are
you delegating enough at the CTO level? Hire smart people and let them take
the ropes while you guide them and give yourself a more time away from work.

~~~
starlord
I think part from the dog, the lists overlap fairly well more or less. I don't
own a dog, but like playing with them whenever i get the chance. Also loved
ones are fewer than I would have liked. Trying to help out enough people and
yes it does help a lot, but also takes up a lot of time. There's always a
tradeoff I guess. :)

While your last response statement is quite on point with what i feel i should
do as well, but it's quite difficult to execute unfortunately. Have tried
delegation, but the results have been not upto the mark and personal ego has
taken a hit as a result quite often :|

~~~
noemit
Maybe you should develop a new hobby called management, hiring and mentoring -
and read some books about it.

------
cpg
I started playing tennis and I loved it. It's non-contact, you have to be
thinking all the time and it's outside (often in the sun). I am happy when I
play (or even watch) tennis.

Then (warning, plug ahead) I started a D3.js project (to keep skills fresh) to
visualize data about tennis strings and rackets[1] to understand them better,
...

... which devolved in keeping my rackets/strings on that same app, which later
open to others ...

... which devolved in starting a flex tennis league in my region (SF Bay
Area)[2], ...

... which devolved into starting a small business to automate tedious and time
consuming tasks at small racket-sport shops (and maybe others in the
future)[3].

I'm so happy with projects that get a life of their own!

Watching comedy and writing comedy also makes me happy.

[1] [https://www.racketlogger.com/racket-
explorer](https://www.racketlogger.com/racket-explorer) [2]
[https://www.racketlogger.com/leagues](https://www.racketlogger.com/leagues)
[3] [https://shops.racketlogger.com/](https://shops.racketlogger.com/)

~~~
jboxee
I feel like your word "devolved" would be better served by "evolved" :)

~~~
cpg
Haha, yeah. It has not born much fruit yet, so it still feels like a bit of a
loss, except I did learn a lot by doing.

------
skipperr
Meditation is what did it for me, I've always been kind of introspective. It's
also interesting what you can do with... nothing at all, really. You can enter
the meditation and come out of it a different person, that's a short-term
result. But committed meditation practice is changing my character in the long
run. In the meantime, the short-term results show what is possible to achieve
(and it's more than you'd think, you can do a lot with just you on your own).

If you're dissatisfied with life as it's ordinarily lived on a deeper level,
maybe it's something that speaks to you as well. Long-term change takes a lot
of practice and effort, though, but it's meaningful effort (at least to me).

------
tchaffee
This might be seen as pedantic and focusing on too strict a definition of
happiness, but thinking about it in the way I describe below has helped me.

What works for me is focusing on what is meaningful and paying less attention
to being happy. Happiness is a fleeting emotion - or if you want to define
happiness as a state of being rather than an emotion, it's still fleeting. It
can even be an inappropriate response to much of life. Would it be appropriate
to be sad for weeks or months if you lost a loved one such as a close family
member or pet? Sure. Rather than trying to avoid the sadness and replace it
with happiness, you can just try to find a way to make the experience
meaningful to you. Changing the question about what I'm seeking in life has
been really useful. What I'm seeking is not happiness. Emotions give us such a
rich and authentic experience of life. Why seek out just one? What we should
be seeking out are healthy ways of living through whatever emotion or state of
being is appropriate to the situation.

------
sixhobbits
I know "introvert" is an important part of many people's identity, so I don't
want to bash that, but this article[0] and some long talks with someone who
didn't believe that "introvert" was a thing definitely increased my overall
happiness.

TL;DR most people think of introvert/extrovert on one dimension, but in fact
some people are both (happy alone, happy in groups) and others are neither
(unhappy alone, unhappy in groups). So it makes more sense to think of it as
two dimensions (some nice charts in article to visualise this).

Since reading this article I've tried to become more "extrovertable".

Not for everyone - for many it might be best to focus on a single dimension,
but it's helped me thinking about it in 2 dimensions and explicitly practicing
becoming better at both "skills".

[0] [https://www.inc.com/joshua-spodek/there-are-no-such-
things-a...](https://www.inc.com/joshua-spodek/there-are-no-such-things-as-
introversion-or-extroversion.html)

~~~
starlord
I understand from where you are coming from. But the very point that it takes
a lot of effort to be "extrovertable" is an issue. I have tried this and on
the weekends where i "extroverted" myself, I feel pretty exhausted by Sunday
night and dread the Monday mornings.

Perhaps, I might lie in that "unhappy everywhere" group... but I think I was
pretty happy in college around the bunch of other like-minded friends. It's
just that those happiness activity metrics might not best match with society's
generally accepted metrics. But now that I am more aligned to general things
"happy" people do, I usually find myself more aloof and unhappy along with
usually tired feeling with all the "extroversion". Have practiced enough for
years (especially being a founder of a company now), but it's still pretty
tiring :(

Also mostly the happiness experienced in such situations is often temporary
and bonds formed are feeble, as I can't keep up the "extroversion" for too
long and soon become boring for a lot of people, so I am actually trying to
move away from that now :)

~~~
blaster151
Yes! Thank you! I hesitate to commit to prolonged social situations because I
know that if I hit the wall and run out of "extroversion energy" I will
certainly "become boring" unless I magically find someone with whom
communication is magically easy, a situation that is exceedingly rare.

I would rather people experience me as "elsewhere" than "boring" and I
especially dislike when I internalize others' perception and start seeing
myself as boring, too.

It's all so complicated.

------
punchclockhero
Video games, no doubt about it now. Tried to give them up to "be productive",
backfired hard. Led to interesting times both in a good and a bad way. Who
knew suppressing yourself and your desires leads to nothing good. Ended up
scaling back on expectations and rediscovering the joy of wandering free on-
and offline. Indulging my weird little cravings. Not trying too hard. Ended up
with what I was putting all that effort for anyway (a job above the API). Not
sure if it was worth it, but liked the journey anyway.

------
cameronperot
I figure my experience is relevant here. I graduated college in 2014 with a
degree in finance and went straight to work in the machine that is corporate
America. I had a "good" job and life was fairly easy. However, after a year or
so I eventually became bored with that lifestyle.

I've always been a self-learner with a desire for knowledge and a challenge. I
started looking around to go back to uni, this time something STEM related. I
figured why not study abroad as I like to travel and the price to go to uni
overseas was much more attractive. I saved enough money while working to allow
me to go back to uni comfortably.

I chose to study physics in Germany, and by far it has been the best decision
I've ever made. I'm about 1/2 done with my studies now and I'm quite pleased.
We take one experimental physics, one theoretical physics, and one math class
per semester along with an elective. I'm learning some of the most fascinating
stuff, math and physics are truly beautiful.

If you have any desire at all to learn math/physics, then I highly recommend
going back to uni to do so. The best part about doing it today though is that
there are endless resources online to teach yourself outside of the class (or
even just for fun if you don't want to go back to uni). MIT has their OCW
program which puts excellent lectures and materials out there for all to
access (I've used their resources quite a bit, thanks MIT!). There's also tons
of other stuff out there like Khan Academy, Susskind's lectures on YouTube,
etc. that really make it easy to learn from the comfort of your home.

TL;DR: If you want to go study physics, go study physics.

~~~
starlord
I am glad it is working out great for you. In fact this scenario is more or
less what I have in mind when I think about going back to college for higher
studies. Never could let go of the first love of life (yeah it wasn't a girl,
it was Physics :| )

I graduated a little earlier when MIT OCW was the only online resource of good
quality, and did try to learn enough about a lot of things. Suffered slightly
lower grades, but came as a well equipped generalist to pursue almost
anything... But real world mechanics have left much to be desired frankly from
the nice picture painted all through school and college of how life would be.
And while this option is really enticing for me, the other comment on how
writing generic grant proposals can be an equally soul-sucking exercise does
bring in an element of doubt...

But thanks for sharing this. If you don't mind sharing, what university are
you at or you would recommend for Physics/quantum-computing-related programs?

~~~
cameronperot
I study at Universität Leipzig, in their international physics studies
program. It's a fairly rigorous program and you are expected to learn a lot on
your own outside of class, which is actually how I prefer it. I can definitely
recommend it if you are the kind of person who can learn yourself. I see the
classes as more of a guide of what to study and you expand on that yourself
outside of class.

I'm getting another bachelors as I didn't feel that my finance degree taught
me enough to jump into a physics masters (and I was right, there's a lot to be
learned in undergrad math and physics). In undergrad you won't necessarily get
into specialized stuff like quantum computing, but you will take the basic
experimental and theoretical QM courses that can help prepare for something
like that in a masters program. So I'm not sure I can recommend anything on
that yet.

MIT has a few excellent courses on quantum physics. They have two versions of
their 8.04 taught by two different professors and I highly recommend both.
Then they have their advanced quantum physics 8.05 out there as well, which I
also highly recommend. If you have the discipline to do the problem sets then
you will learn quite a bit.

------
xrayzerone
You need to get out of your comfort zone and try new activities / things until
you discover something that resonates with who you are.

If you're in the valley, go jump at Skydive Monterey Bay. Sign up for a rock
climbing clinic at Castle Rock. Go to wine tastings. Or data science meetups.
Or founder events.

As an introvert myself - you will never achieve happiness unless you expand
your horizons and open yourself up to serendipity.

------
petercooper
Be comfortable being you, and take steps to be "more you". Acting in an
unnatural way to fit social conventions is a lot of work and often a waste of
time unless it's to achieve a short-term goal (e.g. get funding, land a
customer, find a partner).

Find time to tackle those interesting problems, even if it's outside of a
formal academic environment. Get blogging, vlogging, maybe socialize online
more if you're short of time. _Doing the things you naturally want to do will
re-energize you significantly_ as an INT* (I'm an INTJ) - if that's work, SO
BE IT and ignore anyone who complains about being a "workaholic".

Also, if you are _not_ a people person, don't feel pressured to become one. I
have felt this pressure for years and am finally starting to realize it's "OK"
for me to prefer my own company. Contrary to many other comments here, you do
not necessarily have to force yourself out to social events _if_ you know they
ultimately don't work for you (but if they do, go for it!)

~~~
kenbolton
The first paragraph, I call this "integrity"! Maintain integrity.

------
temporallobe
I am a true introvert and nerd at heart but I fake being an extrovert really
well. Fortunately I got married and had kids young, so loneliness is not even
a possibility for me now. My wife is a huge extrovert and expert on human
behavior so she has helped me a lot. As for what really makes me happy,
learning something new (usually compsci related) always seems to excite me.
Also I love cooking, writing and recording music, or calligraphy and art,
stuff like that. I have no problem performing music in front of large
audiences but if I had to make a speech, I'd choke.

Truth be told, I hate parties and large crowds and people in general piss me
off, but I think it's bot a bad idea to fake extrovertedness. People are
generally unaware they of the difference.

------
0x4f3759df
"Cultivate friendships" >>> The secret is you have to leave your house and be
at the same place routinely

example: get a dog, go to dog-park at the same time every day.

"The Great Good Place" teaches us that in order for a space to be social it
needs to be in walking distance and cheap enough to go there every day,
examples French Bistro, German Beergarden, American greasy diner, Coffeehouse.
Depending on where you live you might not have access to such a place,
consider moving close to one.

The military teaches us that friendships are forged in suffering, so do some
group fitness bootcampy thing, like crossfit or similar.

To get love, give love. Volunteer your time in some fashion.

We are social creatures.

------
navbaker
Copy and paste of something I posted a while ago to someone asking a similar
question: >I am extremely introverted, but one of the social activities I've
found that actually DOESN'T drain me is going to game nights at my local game
stores. Most stores have something going on every night, ranging from standard
issue board games to RPGs to miniatures tabletop games. It's amazingly easy to
make friends when you're all engrossed in whatever setting you're gaming in!

------
petecooper
I pick up litter from my local beach.

~~~
starlord
:) I like washing utensils, it's very peaceful watching the stream of water
clean them away... But it's temporary. I was looking for more of a longer-term
over-arching stuff.

~~~
petecooper
That's fair. I mean, I do it every weekend and lead a team of people who do
the same, but point taken.

------
apatters
> Damn difficult to meet genuine folks after college (Would love any
> suggestions on where to find them... Definitely not facebook :/ )

This may not be very popular advice around these parts, but it works. Go to
the local pub, have a few beers and talk to people. Cultivate an interest in
televised sports or whatever else people like to talk about (can't stay I've
ever been a huge sports fan, but like a lot of things, the more you know about
it, the more interesting it becomes).

Pretty rare that you will meet someone there who becomes a really close
friend, but alcohol will make you more comfortable around people, you'll
cultivate better social and conversation skills, and some of this will rub off
on the rest of your life positively as well.

Exercise moderation of course. But my only regret is that I didn't become a
bit of a barfly sooner, it provides instant social connections and even
business contacts. For instance a few months ago I had a chat with an HR
consultant at a bar. We hit it off, it turned out he enjoyed helping startups,
and now he gives me free advice on hiring, performance management, and other
things whenever I ask.

~~~
jcbrand
Honestly, I have absolutely no interest in feigning interest in televised
sports to make friends, and luckily this is definitely not necessary.

Here in Europe I quickly tell people I don't watch football and don't care
about the teams or match results.

If that's a deal breaker for someone, then they're not friendship material.

Instead of going to the pub, I'd rather recommend hobbies that you can share
with people. I've made good friends via martial arts, guitar lessons, shared
oriental drumming lessons, tech meetups, FLOSS sprints, conferences etc.

Note, all these things (including going to the pub) require you to get out of
your comfort zone and into the "real world". Such is life.

~~~
starlord
I will agree with this. I would prefer to find a fit rather than fit in.

And this does not mean being obstinate, but rather pursuing only what I find
interesting rather than what most people find interesting.

------
whamlastxmas
I am deeply introverted and I forced myself to go to meetups very often until
I got over it being uncomfortable. It took a long time until I found/made my
current "friend group" but you will find those people you click with
eventually. For me, the key was finding a single really good friend who had a
lot of other friends she introduced me to.

------
grvdrm
> ...don't have enough time to really be immersive in anything

I understand you're running a company and on an absolute basis your time is
limited. That said, all of us are guilty of "never having any time" when
really it should be described as never making time. You have to get over the
concept of being too busy for everything else and actually make time for
something you want to do.

If that means learning some mathematical problem, schedule an hour at night to
sit at home (or location of choosing), ignore your email/Slack/etc., and
learn. If instead it involves meeting people, go to networking events,
introduce yourself to people, and generally go out of your way to be active.
Just MAKE the time, don't complain about not having it.

For what it's worth, intramural sports teams are an effective way to meet
people if it seems impossible. Also, Meetup/etc. groups for something related
to a shared passion (e.g. photography).

------
perlgeek
So, I also self-identify as an intervertish nerd, and also have trouble
meeting interesting people.

What worked best so far is to have some hobbies (programming, table tennis),
and meet people through that.

I also meet people through other channels (parents of my kid's friends, for
example), but the ratio of interesting-to-me people is much lower there.

------
juanuys
Sitting in my man cave [1] working on my projects [2].

[1] [https://opyate.com/posts/2016/10/17/my-new-home-
office.html](https://opyate.com/posts/2016/10/17/my-new-home-office.html)

[2] See my profile

------
hh3k0
Do you think going back to college will truly resolve that?

I suspect it may merely delay it for a while, as you will run into the same
issues after you're done with your studies.

My advice would be to consider working fewer hours, if possible, so you have
more time to pursue those other interests of yours.

~~~
starlord
I agree and I am skeptical on college front as well, hence seeking advice on
how it turned out for others who might have wandered on similar trajectories
in life.

It's just that due to various financial constraints and a myopic view of
world, I never really considered research as a career. But now as I have
become more aware of how world works, i find that to be a bad move in me 20s.

I like learning, problem-solving and in general building new stuff, and this
doesn't always intersect with best financial outcomes except in research-as-a-
career option I believe.

But, yes thanks for your advice. Already working on this a bit.

~~~
noemit
I have many friends who took the academic route. They drink more, not in a
good way. Experiences vary but I've observed sad people who do not enjoy
writing grants and do not get to do the research they always wanted despite
going to elite universities for their PhD's.

Adulthood kind of sucks - everywhere.

~~~
starlord
:) Always suspected that the British tv got the grim reality right rather than
the hopeful American ones I have watched more often.

But on a serious note, thanks for sharing this. I sort of had forgotten about
this part while my mind was painting a more rosy picture of that career
option.

------
dhirajbajaj
Reg. last point:

I think there is a little dissatisfaction deep down in all of us. i.e there is
a little yin in our yang and vice-versa.

But i often wondered why is that, the answer i found is thats whats help move
us forward, that little unstability. I donno maybe its life's design.

The more you think about it, more you will like this idea and see positive
relaxed in tough situations.

But, that little deep pain is really bad on arrival. Meditations and mind
tools works great for me, in these situations.

something like this: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PkrhH-
bkpk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PkrhH-bkpk)

------
adverbly
If you always liked learning stuff but don't have any time, find out how to
get more time. Time is the only truly finite resource so getting more is
always worthwhile.

As far as happiness is concerned, I'd read the paper causes and correlates of
happiness. Make sure you address the most significant areas. If you already
do, you might just have a low generic setpoint. Unfortunately genetics have a
lot to do with intrinsic happiness. Not much you can do the beyond medication.

And far as social interaction goes, your best bet is to find a pre-existing
social group with a shared interest. Building a community is hard but
thankfully plenty of other people have already put in the hard work.

~~~
temporallobe
Yep, you can always figure out a way to make money, but you can never make
time. There's probably a clear song lyric in there somewhere but I can't see
it yet.

~~~
grvdrm
You can ALWAYS make time. It's a matter of whether you're disciplined enough
to do so.

------
snarfy
"Be happy" as phrased is putting the cart before the horse.

Your emotions define what you do. You'll have a different reaction to a
situation if you are happy vs angry when it happens. It's not something that
can be helped. The best attempt you can make at "Be happy" is to do things
that make you happy, whether or not it actually works. If your emotions define
what you do, the hard part is to get off your butt and try to do those things.
It requires an emotional transition, which isn't something that can be forced,
but when it happens you need to take advantage.

------
spython
Dancing.

After seeing the book 'Impro' by Keith Johnstone recommended on HN, I read it
and decided to try improvisational theater. It improved my connection to my
body a lot, and as a consequence, changed my feeling of presence in the world.

Now I don't do impro as much, but I found a group of people - mostly older
folks - who come together once a week and just dance. After years of dancing
together in one room I still don't really know them, since it is not a social
encounter.

But the feeling of being expressive through movement is one of a kind, and I
feel out of place without it.

------
viraptor
If you want to meet lots of new people and mostly techy/nerdy ones, go learn
some partner dancing. You may be thinking it's not for introverts, or people
without skills, but you'd be wrong. (I was both when I started) As long as you
enjoy some danceable music, and live in a city, you can probably find a place
to learn. You'll end up going to some evening events very shortly and talking
to lots of random people in a friendly atmosphere. Close contact with people
did change my introvert mind quite a bit as well.

~~~
petsormeat
+1 on social dancing. There are explicit rules about the interaction, which
makes it less exhausting than freeform chat.

------
allendoerfer
Is your problem that your are missing out socially or that you are missing
interesting problems?

Missing out socially can be solved by regularly doing hobbies. Or connecting
with people. Maybe you could also consider doing more customer-facing tasks.
Some of the most interesting conversations I have are held with customers,
because there I can easily connect to other founders.

If you are bored at work, you should maybe switch positions to a more
technical field or set yourself a goal to cash at at the next opportunity and
switch jobs.

------
joshstm
I find if you are introverted and lack the energy to possibly go out. Gaming
online with friends is satisfying. You can easily make new friends on any
gaming community or play with existing ones. I play with a group of about 5
friends every night. If we are not actually playing the same game we still
join a chat party to socialize. Civ or Hearts of Iron are great strategic
games you can play.

------
jrowley
I joined a running club. Met smart goofy inspiring people. It really has
turned into a social thing for me more than a physical thing but some of the
people are very experienced and provide great actionable advice that has
improved my running to places I’d never thought I’d get. I also learn about
alternative life styles and prioritiziations in life. It’s great

------
contingencies
Also INTP, also run a company, also work too much. What makes me happy? Mostly
travel and my kid, but also the satisfaction of achieving success at complex
goals. And food, sometimes. I know this amount of work is unsustainable and
accept that I will work too hard for awhile and relax more later. It's OK.

------
terminalcommand
Been thinking the same thing lately. I'm in my last year of law school and it
seems to me that life as I know is changing. I always liked to program, fiddle
with computers, read about some obscure computer history but it seems like
I've grown quite a bit.

I do not have nearly as much life experience as you do, but my plan for now is
to 1) sleep well 2) eat well 3) try to work under my burn rate 4) socialize. I
hope that if I stick to this goals things will change and I will at least be
able to keep my sanity.

I remember the days when I was working on my Forth interpreter when I thought
I could always make myself occupied and happy no matter what my life
circumstances are. But now I understand I was being too naive.

The one thing that kinda works is trying to pursue romantic relationships.
It's hard for an introvert I know, but if you treat it as a personal side
project, things start to lighten up :). Another advice I could give is to
spend some money, if you're earning well. I don't know, get a sports car or an
expensive cappuccino machine.

------
bjourne
I become happy when my pull requests are merged. I become unhappy when my pull
requests are rejected.

------
kenbolton
Funk, soul, and hip-hop make me happy. Turn off rock: it is derivative and
depressing. So called alt-rock should be crushed under a, uh, rock. Jazz is
great, but not full of joy, as is classical music. Folk has the same issues as
rock plus an insufferable homogeneity.

------
tbihl
I take it with a grain of salt, but there's a lot of interesting thoughts on
the question here:
[https://theancientwisdomproject.com/](https://theancientwisdomproject.com/)

------
dave84
What about taking up BJJ for a few hours a week? Low impact, gets you
exercising if you’re not already and gives you a lot of social contact and the
potential for new friendships. As a sport it seems disproportionally popular
among nerds.

------
Fjolsvith
For me its a hobby that I can build on and can put aside, like hitting pause
on a VCR player, without it loosing progress.

I'm rebuilding a retro Amiga BBS that I used to run back in the 90's.

------
tobiasbischoff
Get a proper hobby. I would suggest miniquad/fpv. Check YouTube for Mr Steele
to see what i‘m talking about. Its a wonderful balance to everything else.

------
noir_lord
My GF and her son, Programming, my work colleagues and Chess.

I live a quiet life and I enjoy it, I don't aim for happiness that is
ephemeral but I enjoy contentment.

------
shortoncash
Riding a bicycle.

You don't think, you just pedal. Then when you are done and have to go back to
thinking, you think better.

------
NicoJuicy
Find people easily = do group sports eg. Cycling with others. It happens in
every City here in Belgium

------
la_oveja
music, true friends and cannabis

------
sAbakumoff
Smoking weed and contemplating stuff helps a lot.

------
cyphunk
Long walks on the beach

------
mmirate
You do not gain sufficient happiness from your startup's financial success?

------
miaxhee
Try horse back riding

------
O_H_E
Won't be able to answer, as I am just 16 :D

~~~
starlord
:) I will take the risk of passing an unsolicited advice: Explore all but do
engage deeply in at least a few of your interests. Leads to a much more
fulfilling(in hindsight) college life in midst of all the distractions you
shall encounter ahead.

------
wanda
> As an adult introvertish nerd, what makes you happy?

LTC Fire Emblem and Javascript code golf.

------
thereyougo123
I love doing board games. You are in company but you have rules that guide the
interaction. Board games are especially fun if you are playing together
against the game.

Edit: As others have noted meditation can be helpful. This may help you
realize what you really need in your current situation. But it is not a silver
bullet. I personally recommend doing this in company once in a while and
keeping a safety distance to "preachers of principles".

I really hope that you find your way.

