

Ask HN: Engineers with family, how do you manage it? - xbeta

Hello all,<p>I&#x27;m having a new born coming up and I&#x27;m somewhat struggling to manage the new challenges coming at my family now as my wife cannot work anymore, and we are getting prepared for the new born.  With the raising housing price in SF bay area, things are getting tougher as I&#x27;m a new dad who makes a single income working in a startup in SF.<p>The nature of the engineering job is like that we need to spend tons and tons of time coding, learning new things, trying things out.  I&#x27;m not sure how I can manage that now with a single income, and my wife constantly need my attention.  Well, as a husband I can totally understand her frustration on missing her career for the new born too.  Things are just difficult and it seem like there&#x27;s no way out and will get worse.<p>I know I can&#x27;t be the only one in the industry to work and to have a family.  I would like to know how you guys manage time and needs in the family, yet still able to stay relevant in our rapidly changing tech industry.<p>I&#x27;m aware that most of us on HN are probably single, and just started their career from school. And some founders probably don&#x27;t want to hire a guy who has to support his family.   I know it is difficult for most of you to understand why it is difficult for a person to be spending the time on weekend to run errands, but not hacking things with a group of friends.<p>I have couple things that I would like to do, but I guess I need to put them on hold now and not sure when I will have a chance to touch them again.  I love technology, I love engineering, and I love our tech culture and how it changes the world.  And I wouldn&#x27;t want to leave this industry to give up my dream.<p>For those who has to manage a family, how do you do it?
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bobfromhuddle
I get the sense that you're concerned you won't be able to keep up with
technology trends. This is a non-issue. 95% of what you read on Hacker News is
essentially froth, the ephemera of technology. You can ignore it all. The
problem is that technology is both your job and your hobby.

I had my first son when I was 22 (now 31), and my career has continued to go
from strength to strength. There is adequate time in the evenings, or on
commutes, to read and ponder, and I find time at work to investigate
technologies that will have a positive effect on the business, because that's
my job. Since then I've learned three or four new languages, taught myself a
whole bunch of crypo-stuff, got down with the Agile crowd, implemented machine
learning and search techniques, and become a software architect.

I think you'd be surprised at how many employers would rather employ happily
married young men with children, because they know that they're less likely to
be job hoppers; you might be right that early-stage startups are no longer a
viable choice, though, unless you're sure they're going to be around for at
least a couple of years.

Having said that, I joined my current company six years ago as employee number
5. It was founded by a mid-thirties guy with a wife and kids, who re-mortgaged
his house to get the capital he needed.

Having children needn't prevent you from doing meaningful and interesting
things with your career, you just need to distinguish between what's
important, and what's recreational. After a few months, once you and your wife
have started to get a handle on this whole parenthood thing, you'll find more
time to do the things you love.

Of course, you might find that you'd rather spend the time playing with your
kids :)

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quarterwave
Many moons ago I've been exactly where you describe, so listen to uncle.

You are already incubating a start-up - it's your child.

Your sole task is to keep the cash register chiming bimonthly. Focus on the
job that pays you, if you have extra time then work harder for your current
employer. Pile up some good karma.

Run those errands, be with your spouse, speak much less than spoken to, &
forget your buddies.

Also be on excellent terms with your in-laws.

~~~
sillysaurus3
Is the only solution really to give up on your own desires? (Or to force
yourself to desire the things you list?)

~~~
xbeta
I think what he/she is trying to say: \- if you have to choose between your
kids vs your career, pick your kids \- if you can have both great career +
raise a great, loving family, then awesome!

I do have a dream to run my own startups, but I guess I'm "too old" for that
now and I didn't see anyone in the age of 40+ founding their first startup in
the valley.

I guess I'll have to give up my desire now

~~~
japhyr
No, he's saying that you have to put your career on the back seat while you
get your family off the ground. And that's a good thing; your kid will be
young once, and you don't want to be one of those people who looks back and
wishes you spent more time with your kid when they were young.

I haven't seen anything about what you will gain in your career from being an
involved parent. You will gain perspective. You will want a better future for
the world, for your own kid. That perspective can help you see things that
others don't see in the tech industry.

Quick story: I am a teacher, and recently I've been inviting elders into my
classroom to tell their life stories to students. I sit on the side of the
room, and students drive the conversation. One question students have asked
every elder: "What was the best day of your life?"

Every elder so far (n=3 and counting) has looked around at everyone in the
room, smiled, and said with conviction, "The day my kid was born."

Congratulations, and enjoy this time in your life. :)

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notduncansmith
I'm 21 and my son turned 1 in February; I know what you're going through :)

If there's one thing I've learned over the past year, it's that any employer
worth working for will understand and support your need to spend time with
your family. No sane founder would ask their employee to put the startup above
their family.

A few other tips:

\- Take 15 minutes to yourself every morning, get a cup of coffee or tea, and
read HN.

\- Listen to industry podcasts on your commute. I'm a big fan of ShopTalkShow
(front-end dev), This Week In Startups, and Javascript Jabber (between these
three I almost always have something to listen to between work and home).

\- Twice a week (YMMV) wait for the baby and lady to go to bed, then hack for
an hour or two. Don't do this more than a few times a week though - I used to
never go to bed with my fiance (always working), and we started growing
distant and fighting more.

\- Use time at work (especially lunch breaks) to play with new technologies

\- Help your wife with the baby wherever you can. She put her career
completely aside for your child, so she'll need to see that you're making
sacrifices too and giving it 100%. Your relationship with your partner is
invaluable.

I'll end this list with one final piece of advice: cherish the time you spend
with your family, and hold it sacred above all else.

I'm currently in SF doing some contract work with an early-stage startup,
about halfway through a 1-month tour. It's been harder than I could have
imagined; and while I FaceTime with my family every day, the extent to which I
miss them every day has really helped remind me what's most important.

I hope this helps, and if you ever want to talk some more (or hang out, since
we're both in SF for now), send me an email: address is in my profile.

~~~
isuraed
Extremely good advice. You sound very balanced and mature for 21!

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winaash
I had my daughter when I was 27,and I was employee number two at a startup.

The most important thing you can do is spend time supporting your wife though
the first one year, women can get very depressed in the early months and you
being there makes a lot of difference.

The hardest part lasts around a year, and it gets easy as time passes, by the
time your kid starts walking confidently, she will be too busy for you :).

Learn to sleep when your kid sleeps, she will sleep 14-18 hours a day, and
plan your day around it. My kid used to sleep very late, 2 pm - around 10 am,
so I convinced my boss that I will be working from 12 pm to 9 pm and I would
work from home twice a week. You can also split tasks with your wife, I used
to bathe the baby alternate days and we took turns changing the nappies. If
you get it down to a schedule, I think you can have enough time for yourself.

On the money front, Babies dont ask for much and if you dont go around
spending money on needless luxuries, then you should be fine.

Rather than getting depressed, I think you should try to cherish the
experience, This time will never come again in your life.

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codeonfire
This comes up in office politics. Try to band together with the other married
people in your office. Convince your (also married) boss to dump all the work
on the single people on your team. Have your spouse call you at 5PM to give
you cover to leave or, better yet, have them pick you up at the office so you
MUST leave immediately.

Sadly, this is how many people manage a family and job.

~~~
xbeta
so I guess you mean a family OR a career, pick one? :-(

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isuraed
Your family comes first. Let go of the idea that you can continue to put in
extra time at work, do hobby projects, and learn new technologies. You will
have to do those extra curriculars during the 8-9 hour work day. Home time is
family time (for the most part, of course you should find a few hours a week
just for yourself). Forget about programming when you get home. Babies and new
moms need a lot of attention and help. That should be your #1 priority for the
next year minimum. It gets easier after year 1.

There is more to life than work and programming. Don't sacrifice time with
your new baby. It never comes back. You will have plenty of time to advance
your career and reach career goals.

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devb0x
Its tough man. When we had our child, tech took a back seat. I worked as I
needed to, sometimes a little late but I made family come first. Your wife
will need you, family first. As your little one gets older you'll get back to
normal, but for now focus where you know you need to focus.

Congrats!

