
She Wanted a Man with a Good Job Who Is Nice to Animals - danso
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/08/16/style/modern-love-man-who-is-nice-to-animals.html
======
knodi123
What a coincidence. Picked up an Austin Chronicle for the first time in a year
because I needed to kill time at a restaurant while a kid ate their way
through a giant rice krispie treat.

This was the front page story:
[https://www.austinchronicle.com/arts/2019-08-16/causing-
trou...](https://www.austinchronicle.com/arts/2019-08-16/causing-trouble-as-
we-smiled-a-dusty-story/)

It may appear to be the same story, but it is a completely separate article on
the same topic written by the same author and published the same day.

~~~
criddell
At the bottom of that article it says:

> A version of this article appeared in print on August 16, 2019 with the
> headline: Causing Trouble as We Smiled

I wonder if that accounts for the differences?

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arcboii92
What the hell I don't come on HN to cry. WHAT IS THIS?!

~~~
casefields
I've got an older dog and it got me too. That was quite a touching piece.

~~~
kwhitefoot
I haven't even got a dog and I don't like them much; still touched me.

------
larrydag
My partner and I went the traditional route. We married then we (okay, she)
rescued a dog from the local shelter. Coincidentally also in Texas. We later
had our own kids but Sadie was our first one for us to bring into the family.
We loved that dog even if Sadie was as stubborn as anything. We cried when we
finally had to let her go a few years ago.

The next month after Sadie's passing my wife and my two boys introduced me to
Freddy. And so goes our family with another happy member to share our love.

------
js2
The author also wrote about Dusty in 2012.

[https://www.nytimes.com/2012/08/26/fashion/dog-anchors-
man-f...](https://www.nytimes.com/2012/08/26/fashion/dog-anchors-man-facing-
setbacks.html)

------
Balgair
> I took Dusty for one last walk so he could feel the sun on his nose. We had
> treats and watched a comic-book movie together. The vet gave him drugs.
> Dusty died at home, in my arms, his nose on my knee, only days before Ilse
> and I got married. As he closed his eyes, I whispered, “I’ll guard the
> castle.” We wrapped him in blankets, placed him in a basket and a white van
> took him away.

We lost our cat to cancer this year. She was _everything_ to my SO. The cat
and I got my SO through grad school and really helped out my SO with a pain
disorder that my SO has been battling. We had her euthanized at home as well
and I was lucky enough to be the one that plunged the vial into her, relieving
her of the pain. She was my cat afterall, just as I was her human. Then we
wrapped her in her favorite blanket and the specalist took her away. We got
the ashes a while later. I still can't bear to open the bag that they sit in.

It was ... tough. It _is_ tough still. She is everywhere and I still look for
her when something perks just outside of my sight. I still think she's just in
another room. But she is not. The cancer took her away from us.

Pets are amazing, and it's a testament to the love they reflect that we miss
them so much. I wish the author the best in the new journey and the new life,
I'm certain that the new couple will find another pet to love and care for.
Based on the essay, it will be a very lucky pet to have such great owners to
love.

------
kwhitefoot
But what happened to Oscar Wilde?

------
peter303
From Sunday NY Times weekly Modern Love story in the Style section. I dont
think there is any requirement these articles are autobiographical or fiction,
but some sound more one way or the other. They tend to be about quirky current
situations. I almost always read it.

------
cpt1138
What a perfect story. Very nicely done.

------
lota-putty
Here I thought Men who defeated __seven-deadly-sins __are ideal partners.

[https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_deadly_sins](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_deadly_sins)

------
Noos
This is the male version of "being basic."

I cannot, for the life of me, see organizing and playing a twenty one kazoo
salute for a dog I loved. Dear God, Ilse made him change his clothes. The
article is so bloodless.

~~~
Causality1
Glad it worked out for him but for me she'd be packing a ton of red flags.
Changing his fashion? Changing his diet? Watching the Hallmark Channel?

>After a year of dating, Ilse began _pushing_ for marriage >She said it’s
difficult for an entrepreneurial woman in her 30s to find love with someone
who has a good job >We had a back and forth, like playing chess. So she's
actively trying to convince him to do something she knows he doesn't want to
do.

>One evening, Ilse said if I wasn’t going to be with her, I had to let her go
so she could find someone else.

"Giving ultimatums" appears on every single list of "signs of abusive
relationships" you could care to find.

If I had been this guy's friend I'd have been telling him to break up with
her, and saying so regularly.

~~~
daodedickinson
I would far, far beyond gladly change far more than my clothes for anyone who
would even finally show up to a first date with me. More and more of us are
isolated from the rest of our species by the technologies interting themselves
between us to create billionaires that we don't even have a friend that we
could tell that we finally got to go on a first date. How could you tell me to
break up with a human like this if I ever was so blessed?

Does this change of perspective mean anything or help at all to anyone?

I've been crying all night, almost every night for about 3 weeks now, sleeping
0 to 3 hours a night, because Google's Recapcha service a few weeks ago, for
no apparent, communicated, or appealable reason decided to reject all of my
captcha answers no matter how accurate they may be. This means I have been
sent out to an internet leper colony so hideously lonely that I can no longer
even post on 4chan or talk on Omegle.

And you would tell this person to dumpster a real life in-person human being
because she was worried she'd wind up as defenseless and alone as me.

...relationships have to get way more actually abusive to be worse than no
relationship at all, which is the threat we frankly all face.

Help please

~~~
jddj
I absolutely hate that I'm giving this advice, but in a state of desperation
you _should_ be able to overcome the recapture exile by making a Google
account, logging into gmail, using Chrome (logged in) and not using Tor or a
VPN.

It's a terrible state of affairs that this might be what's required to _access
the fucking internet_ (@Google, @Cloudflare), but it's better than what it
sounds like your alternative has become.

On a different note, here's what you might tell yourself if you were in a
relaxed and emotionally healthy enough state to think clearly and positively
(it's very hard like to think like this when you're deep in the mires of it
all, but maybe it will help):

\- if you're in a part of the world which allows it this time of year, get
outside and get a little sun most days.

\- find a hobby which needs to be done outside of the house. Even if you only
like to read, do it outside where you will come into contact with other people
outside of a work environment. Then work up to other hobbies which can be done
either individually or socially (indoor rock climbing, learning a language,
music, cycling, lifting weights, whatever).

\- get and appreciate some little wins in your hobbies and reconnect that
pathway which says that if you work at something you can achieve it, that you
can enjoy yourself and that you're a normal human.

\- go to places regularly and smile and nod at the people who you recognise.
If you like music, go to gigs or places where people with similar tastes tend
to be.

\- start face to face conversations with people with no expectations for where
it will go, even if it's ordering a coffee or commenting on the weather.
Ideally, look for something (non-sexual) which you appreciate about someone
and casually let them know. Maybe aim for doing this once per day. Start
conversations with "wow, I wish I could do that/that looks like so much fun.
How did you get started?"

\- when you get talking to people, mention any interests which come up which
you also share (or might share, if you explored it). Mention any hurdles
you've had in pursuing them and that you'd like to find a way to overcome
them. If they extend an offer to help (by offering to let you know the next
time they're doing it, for example), take the chance to exchange details.

\- follow up with people, if you feel like it makes sense. A lot of "ohh for
sure, we should definitely do something!" talk happens, particularly when
alcohol is involved, but you can break through that (or see it for what it is)
with a follow-up message some time later. Don't be needy, but you're basically
just letting them know that you meant what you said about wanting to hang out.

\- find some friends this way before you let yourself start thinking about a
relationship. Relationships are messy and it helps to have friends who can
help you ride out the lows, and, as you mentioned, share the highs.

The thing is, being social and having a social life both take work and can be
forgotten, just like any other skill. Despite the dystopia which we can be
mistaken in believing when we look at the state of social media and the
internet, the real world is still out there to be a part of, more or less just
like it was before.

This varies a lot depending on where you are, but in general people are
looking to get through their day as positively as possible and if they can
make a new friend and it feels natural enough then they would generally like
to.

~~~
daodedickinson
I'm not using Tor or a VPN and I'm logged in to Google; I shant ever log into
Chrome, though.

------
Syssiphus
Nothing can ever replace your dog.

------
Noumenon72
If you don't like dogs, you will probably have zero interest in this. It has
nothing to do with programming or society at large.

~~~
sbmthakur
Do women have a thing for men with dogs? I've read at certain forums that men
with dogs have better success with girls but never came across a study.

~~~
dwd
I guess it's all in the signaling. A guy who's nice to animals may be
perceived as being nice in general. Owning a dog makes for a good neutral
conversation starter.

There is a link between cruelty to animals and violence against women, murder,
etc.

[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/long_reads/domestic-
viole...](https://www.independent.co.uk/news/long_reads/domestic-violence-
animal-cruelty-abuse-neglect-murder-children-dogs-a9018071.html)

Owning a cat however isn't the same, and could have a negative effect.

~~~
mirimir
> Owning a cat however isn't the same, and could have a negative effect.

Huh?

All of my ~longtime girlfriends and wives have been cat people. Two out of
three wives, at one point in their lives, had more than five cats. The first,
when I met her, had over 20 cats. Counting kittens and loosely attached males.

So why not cats?

~~~
dwd
As a guy...

Different rules for girls, though single and more than a handful of cats and
people start whispering Crazy Cat Lady.

Most people I know would identify as dog people and the stats for Australian
households with one but not the other are 2:1 in favour of dogs.

Disclaimer: I currently have two dogs, one cat

~~~
mirimir
I rather like "crazy cat ladies". Obviously, I guess.

But why would women not like guys who like cats?

I have a theory. I like cats more than dogs because cats are independent and
self-possessed. Whereas dogs are pack animals, seem to always be testing
dominance order, and demand lots of maintenance.

So I can see how women who are looking for fathers would prefer dog people.
Whereas women looking for friends would prefer cat people.

~~~
magduf
>So I can see how women who are looking for fathers would prefer dog people.

Unless you mean they have daddy issues and are looking for a partner that's
just like their dad, no. In my experience of dating in a big city, every 30+
white American woman who has no kids, and doesn't even want kids, still goes
on and on in her dating profile about how "obsessed" with dogs she is. These
women only want men with dogs. It's not because they're looking for someone to
be a father to her kids, it's just because that's the fad she's jumped on and
decided to center her whole life around, and any man who isn't into that same
fad isn't going to interest her.

It's just like women who are all into veganism, or social justice, or
Trumpism, or some particular religon, or keto/paleo diets, or whatever.
Americans these days all have to have some cause to rally around, and they
don't want to date someone who isn't into that same cause, or can't be easily
converted to adopt their cause.

------
hirseypie
I'll give you the summary:

\- Man and dog are best long time friends

\- Man meets over 30 yr old diabetic sexual abuse victim on Tinder

\- Woman pushes him for marriage contract

\- Dog dies 2 days before wedding

\- She pushes him to still get married and cares more about "At least smile
for the photos"

~~~
anjc
Surprisingly accurate summary.

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reagent_finder
"You’re in private mode."

"Log in or create a free New York Times account to continue reading in private
mode."

I guess Chrome incognito is still detectable. Hard pass.

~~~
sysbin
Disable javascript and then you can read the article is what I do.

~~~
criddell
I opened it then hit the reader mode button.

~~~
_Microft
In Firefox you can prepend _about:reader?url=_ to the page that you want to
show in reader mode if the icon does not appear or the page redirects too fast
by the way.

~~~
criddell
Newspaper sites are a lot of things, but _too fast_ isn't one of them.

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lacampbell
Phew, for a brief moment there was only one New York Times article on the
front page. Glad we're back up to two!

------
ohduran
I didn't come to HN to cry!!

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systemtest
Please don't link to articles that require creating an account.

