
Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve? - codesternews
I am good at coding but while talking or doing some thing new I lack confidence.<p>So many times when I had to meet someone or talk to someone, I feel worthless and underconfident. I could not able to talk to them properly and hesitate.<p>For eg: I lack confidence while meeting other person like my director and even friends. I somehow feel them superior to me. I have very low self-esteem and confidence.<p>For every new oppurtunity or thing I want to try, I lack confidence and feel I am not good enough. I see my faults in everything.<p>Please give some advice.
======
jamesholden
Personally have been going through this myself, and recently. Some things
which make me feel better:

* Finding my own independence to do things. I often tied my own activities to that of my partner. So many times I felt like I was WAITING for things, when I didn't need to be.

* Find your own hobbies which are outside of work related things. I am interested in kite surfing for example. I've never done it, but I've begun digging into it.

* People will say this often: Exercise. Don't quickly dismiss this. It's MENTALLY hard to motivate yourself, I get it. I HATE going. But, I ALWAYS feel better after having gone. There is something about tackling things you DON'T want to do, and getting satisfaction from having accomplished doing it. Plus, your whole body, including your brain, get distinct benefits which persist longer than the time you work out. So you work out 30 minutes, but you feel great for hours after, and your body physically benefits well beyond too.

* Find friends you can just hang out with. I moved to a new city and hardly know anybody. But I still take trips 1-2 hours away to see friends because I NEED that interaction. It breaks me out of my own world/thoughts.

~~~
mettamage
> There is something about tackling things you DON'T want to do, and getting
> satisfaction from having accomplished doing it.

It's even better than that with regards to exercise. I've been forced to ski
by my girlfriend. I've hated it for the first 5 days, I was terrified for my
life, literally. I wrote a 10 page document on how not to die since my braking
and turning weren't really reliable.

Yet, every evening, despite having some muscle fatigue. I felt more in touch
with my body than ever. I was more flexible, more alert and quicker in my body
movements. This made me feel happier.

I've also noticed the same thing with cycling vs. going with the metro to work
(I'm in Amsterdam, no excuse to not cycle). I never think about cycling in
terms of fun or not fun. But I noticed a marked difference in my mood while I
arrived at work if I'd be going with the metro.

There's also neurological evidence for this: exercise makes us feel better.

So I want to extend your claim to: if you exercise in a reasonable fashion,
you are biologically bound to feel better afterwards. It doesn't matter how
you felt about it before or what your opinions of the exercise are.

One tip to get a bit easier into it: always do a warmup with an exercise that
you don't hate. For me that'd be running.

~~~
bluedevil2k
Exercise, especially weight lifting and HIIT, raises testosterone levels
naturally in the body which will have a definite impact on your confidence and
self-esteem levels. Even further, add a good diet and try to lose fat, and
you'll get the added benefit of having less of the testosterone convert to
estrogen and more converting to DHT, which is the "feel good" androgen.

~~~
sizzle
DHT accelerates male pattern baldness I believe? If you inherited genetic mpb
genes and are susceptible to hairloss in crown area.

------
angadkalra
All the posts below ignored one huge thing. I'm going to provide a list of
actions that transformed my life when I was 19 and solved the problems you
mentioned. How? These habits increased my confidence, calmed my mind, and
increased self-awareness. Habits & systems are everything. Number 1 is the
MOST important and is paramount. None of the rest will work without it:

1\. [https://www.reddit.com/r/nofap](https://www.reddit.com/r/nofap). Don't
dismiss. No harm in trying. Do 90 days and report back how you feel. Good
website: [https://www.antidopamine.com/](https://www.antidopamine.com/)

2\. Meditate every morning for 20 minutes. Try headspace app.

3\. Exercise everyday (eg. strength training, sprints, BJJ/Muay Thai, sports,
yoga, etc.)

4\. Clean up your diet. No garbage, processed food. Eat naturally. Lean meat,
veggies, some fruit. No fast-food, no bullshit. Health body => Healthy mind.

5\. Sleep on time and sleep enough.

6\. Practice what you suck at. Every day. Practice practice practice. I want
you to fail over and over again, get back up, and fight again. Warrior
mentality.

7\. Write in a journal everyday to track progress/create a plan/identify
problems.

8\. Quit all social media and anything else that gives your brain dopamine
hits. Remove all addictions from your life. It's wasting precious time you
could spend improving yourself.

EDIT: I thought of more..

9\. Make sure you allocate time everyday where you disconnect from technology.
This is a good time to practice social skills, exercise, read, write, cook,
take a walk and think. Solitude is essential for health.

10\. Google "Discipline Equals Freedom" and Jocko Podcast. He has great books
and I suggest reading them.

Basically, remove bad habits & people, create/add good ones, practice what you
suck at, and take care of your body & mind.

If you need help, comment below and we can figure out a way to talk privately.

~~~
ynot269
gonna need an explanation on how no fap is related to self esteem doc.

~~~
sizzle
[https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/relevant-research-and-
articl...](https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/relevant-research-and-articles-
about-the-studies/porn-use-sex-addiction-studies/studies-linking-porn-use-to-
poorer-mental-emotional-health-poorer-cognitive-outcomes/)

~~~
swat535
Just a word of caution. This has been discussed previously couple of times on
HN _.

There are some pseudo scientific stuff there but also some interesting points.

Take it with a grain of salt and make your own decision before jumping on any
of these bandwagons

_For reference:

[https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=5051892](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=5051892)

[https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=5946727](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=5946727)

~~~
sizzle
Thanks for the insight, much appreciated!

------
DanBC
Cognitive Behaviour Therapy is evidence based and has reasonably good
effectiveness - about 60% of people going through it experience good recovery.

[https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/cognitive-behavioural-
therapy-...](https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/cognitive-behavioural-therapy-cbt/)

One good thing about it is that it only lasts about 12 to 16 weeks.

Find someone with qualifications, experience, and a registration. Check the
pricing over 21 weeks (this is the maximum you'd possibly use, but you're
likely to use fewer lessons.) Then book in. Don't be afraid to change
therapist if the one you have is terrible.

The first session will talk about the CBT model, and ask you what you want to
achieve, and talk about confidentiality and payment.

You'll need to be able to identify emotions and hot thoughts, but the therapy
should help you with that.

EDIT: a lot of people are recommending exercise. It's important to exercise
for your physical health. The evidence for benefits to mental health is
somewhat weaker, and we've only recently started getting good quality evidence
that it works. For you it may work, it may not, and it's probably not going to
hurt to try unless the failure of exercise to lift your mood is going to feed
into negative thinking.

~~~
occamschainsaw
Not OP, but I have been thinking of starting CBT since a couple of months. I
have never done therapy before and I feel pretty intimidated to just go to a
therapist. How do you know if the therapist is right for you? Also, do you
have any experience with app based therapists where you talk over the phone?

~~~
DanBC
Hi!

It is anxiety proviking because it's a weird situation that we just don't get
much experience of.

I've had two rounds of CBT in England. The first was called "low intensity"
\-- this was group work, and the sessions were ruin by two therapists but they
changed about halfway through. It ran for 6 weeks. I didn't find that much
use.

Later I had "high intensity" CBT, which was one to one and face to face with
an experienced therapist.

Things I found useful: she listened to me; she correctly identified the things
that I felt were a problem that I wanted to work on; she changed some of her
wa of working to fit me. (I hate the phone, so she used email to contact me if
needed, which doesn't sound like much but it can be really tricky to get NHS
people to email patients).

I don't have experience with phone based therapy, but I do know it's used in
the English NHS so there must be some evidence it works somewhere.

I really hope that you give it a go, and that it makes a difference!

------
rofo1
Seeing your faults is not necessarily (in itself) a bad thing. That means it's
that much easier to improve, until you can no longer see trivial faults of
your own.

Try to answer honestly (to yourself) - why exactly do you care what others
think, unless their opinion has immediate effects on you? But be blunt and
honest to yourself, don't kid yourself.

Confidence is a scam. It's just a way certain people "act", and others label
it "confidence". Sometimes you can label it with a different word - like a
moron under the guise of the all-mighty "confidence", for example. Don't buy
that much into it.

How many "confident" people "deserve" the mystics surrounding the confidence?
How many original thoughts, works have they produced? In which field have they
been top in the world? If they simply died tomorrow, who'd miss them truly?
What is their objective value? What about their internal, moral values? Any
substance at all?

Try to err on the side of logic, not emotions. Try to think objectively, as
much as possible.

On the topic of "trying new things" \- listen, nobody is good enough. People
take chances all the time and we usually hear about the "winners". Think about
"last man standing" kind of thing. Try, fail, improve, try again - that's what
everyone does. No exceptions.

Practical advice: sleep 8+ per day, exercise daily, protect your mental well
being (especially if you notice that it's going down) - don't expose your mind
to insane things.

------
prakhar987
I believe being anti social and lacking confidence has been advantageous to
me. When i was in college, i was hesitant to go out due to low self esteem and
depression. So i would spend my time alone while others had a social life. But
during times like semester examinations, i was able to study with no
distraction. Today i have a CS degree from a top college and i work as a
Quant. To outsiders my life seems perfect but i know its not. But i have come
to accept the fact that you can't have everything. To gain some you have to
lose some. When someone asks me you have good money why can't you find a girl,
i think to myself i couldn't find a girl so i have good money. Might not be
the case for everyone, but i have come to peace with my shortcomings and try
to see the good in worst situations.

~~~
penguin_booze
> ... being anti social ...

I prefer the term 'asocial'. Antisocial, in most contexts, means actively
engaging in activities against society--like vandalism.

------
sverona
A good deal of the advice in this thread is specialized to the sort of single
males that make up the bulk of HN/Reddit/tech. As someone who is neither
single nor male (I'm a trans woman,) I wanted to provide another viewpoint.

So this isn't specifically in response to the OP, but as someone who has been
there, I hope a passing Googler finds it.

The people telling you to meditate or do cognitive-behavioral therapy are
almost certainly right.

Neither of them ever really gave me perceptible results until recently. Here
is why. If you exist for long enough inside of your own head, you can forget
that it's possible to exist any other way. Some variants of CBT [1] call this
"cognitive fusion."

If step one of CBT is "thoughts beget feelings, feelings beget thoughts" then
step zero has to be "you are not your thoughts and you are not your feelings."
This sounds obvious, but I had to have a dissociative episode to grasp it - if
you're as deeply fused with your thoughts as I've been, it may not be
something you can really grok by hearing it from another person.

So you do meditation or you do therapy, but you unthinkingly assume that the
patterns of thought and feeling that you're trying to replace have always been
there, and you can't even perceive them. So it doesn't work - the core of CBT
is the practice of talking back to your thoughts, but it's really, really hard
to do that if you don't (or can't) see the space between you and your
thoughts.

I understand that many people have an easily-accessed self-concept separate
from what's inside of their head. Tapping into mine is something I have to
work at. I don't know if such theory-of-mind problems are something that
coders (or trans women) experience at a higher rate than the general
population, but anecdotally it seems to be common enough that this is worth
dropping here.

[1]
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acceptance_and_commitment_ther...](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acceptance_and_commitment_therapy)

~~~
codesternews
Thanks a lot. That is very helpful. Could you please provide more details and
techniques if you do not mind.

~~~
sverona
I'm afraid I'm not a therapist, but here's what mine tells me.

My self-esteem/self-compassion problems are essentially caused by a few
beliefs about myself and the world that are flatly wrong. I grew up
"profoundly gifted" in a rural area, and as a result was basically socialized
to believe that my entire identity and value as a person hinged on how
intelligent I was perceived to be (belief #1). This resulted in my always
being on high alert, even when it didn't outwardly look like it - I had to
perform, had to show off, had to be right or close to it, all the time (belief
#2). I couldn't _ever_ give myself a break or show myself basic self-
compassion for fear that it would "go to my head" and make me an arrogant
prick (belief #3).

More recently, the more I learned about the world and its atrocities, the more
I felt like they were things that I couldn't look away from or stop thinking
about, even to take care of myself, or I was functionally no different from an
evil or amoral person (belief #4). But of course I was too busy having anxiety
attacks every time I thought about it to actually _do_ anything about those
things, so...

There's more where this came from, but I think you get the idea.

I've had to work on unlearning these beliefs through a lot of CBT and ACT
(linked in my previous post). The basic practice is something you can do by
yourself - there are plenty of personal workbooks for it, which will be turned
up by a Google search for "cbt/act therapy workbook." See also [1], [2].

The specific problem I was having, outlined in my earlier post, is that I had
become so attached to these beliefs that I believed them on a sub-thought
level even as I fully intellectually understood that they were wrong and
unhelpful. Thus, when they started to get to me I would _know_ that they were
adversely affecting me, but when I reached out to people I just kept finding
different "rationalizations"/ways to express the same thing. We usually ended
up arguing in circles.

I think the aforementioned dissociative episode I had was induced by playing
this game continuously with my partner and another very good friend of mine
over a prolonged period, more than a therapy session would typically last. I
don't really know what happened, but what I experienced is described pretty
well in [3]. My brain stopped processing what I was seeing or relaying my
thoughts to my body. It would've been scary had I been able to feel anything,
but I came out of it more able to separate myself from my thoughts, which is
key.

A mindfulness practice may also help you with doing the above. See [4].

To be able to move on, I also had to construct an identity that wasn't defined
by these things, which I did/am doing by further exploring and asserting my
gender. This is beyond the scope of this post, and anyway my experience in
this area is probably not applicable to you unless you're trans.

I hope this helps.

[1]
[http://mefiwiki.com/wiki/ThereIsHelp#Books.2C_Articles_.26c](http://mefiwiki.com/wiki/ThereIsHelp#Books.2C_Articles_.26c).

[2]
[https://www.abebooks.com/servlet/SearchResults?an=russ%20har...](https://www.abebooks.com/servlet/SearchResults?an=russ%20harris&bi=0&bx=off&cm_sp=SearchF-
_-
Advtab1-_-Results&ds=30&recentlyadded=all&sortby=17&sts=t&tn=act%20made%20simple)

[3]
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Derealization](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Derealization)

[4]
[https://proactive12steps.com/alternative/](https://proactive12steps.com/alternative/)

------
eeZah7Ux
Stop asking HN for advice. You are getting "exercise more" and other
platitudes.

This is like asking your GP advice on software security and getting "install
the antivirus thing"

Self-esteem and confidence are very complex aspects of psychology. Ask a
professional.

~~~
sidcool
The idea is to reach out to people who made change to their life by some
means, one of which could be 'Asking a Professional'. Exercising & Meditation
are really really underestimated.

------
saturdaysaint
I struggled with self-esteem and shyness in my 20's and therapy changed my
life. Even if you have a supportive circle of friends, a good therapist can be
a wonderful, transformative presence in your life. They can give you
refreshingly honest perspectives (in both the positive and constructively
critical senses) that you simply cannot get anywhere else. They can help you
dig in and examine beliefs that are very difficult to unpack any other way.
I'd highly recommend seeing one if you have the resources - just talking to
someone once a week for a few months can change how you see the world.

------
gerbilly
The thing that may be driving how you feel is this:

* When you watch someone else do their job, or pull off some achievement, you only get to see their outward behaviour.

* When you perform a similar task you get to observe your behaviour, and also your inner state (thoughts, feelings, fears, etc...)

This is what makes it easy to assume everyone else is more competent,
confident and sure of themselves than you.

The truth is that they may be experiencing similar emotions, fears and
uncertainties that you are, but obviously they aren't displaying those
emotions publicly.

This asymmetry underlies a famous 'law' of psychology, the so called
'fundamental attribution error'¹, which, if I may paraphrase from wikepedia,
is the: "tendency to believe that what people do reflects who they are".

So when you watch someone else behave competently in their job say, you can
easily jump to the conclusion that that competence is an enduring _trait_ of
that person, i.e.: that they _are_ competent.

However when you observe yourself perform a similar behaviour, even if the
outcome is just as good, the access you have to your inner state makes it
easier for you to discount your success as merely a passing _state_ , i.e.:
you don't believe yourself to be competent, and maybe think that you just got
lucky that time.

Basically, don't make the mistake of assuming you are the only one to feel
like this, most people do from time to time. We tend to publicly share our
successes and wins, and hide our fears and anxieties.

1:
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fundamental_attribution_error](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fundamental_attribution_error)

------
tomcam
I dealt with many of these same situations by thinking it through. Often when
I am in a new, challenging situation, I ask myself this: is there anyone
dumber than I am who is succeeding in this situation?

The answer is invariably yes. That means that I can deal with it through sheer
force of will and hard work. It helps knowing that.

For example, you say you are a good coder. That’s wonderful. It is something
you can be proud of, and you should internalize it. Even if you can’t, I bet
some of your peers who are not as good at programming as you are can do pretty
well when they are talking. So that shows you it really is possible even for
less competent people to excel in your situation.

As far as being uncomfortable when talking to people, what I do is practice
all possible versions of the conversation before it takes place. I come up
with objections that I think the people I am talking to might have, and I
figure out how to answer them by simulating the situation in my mind in real
time.

~~~
humanrebar
Given this approach, how do you avoid leaning into the Dunning-Kruger Effect?
Or is the point that it's OK to sometimes as long as your expertise actually
catches up?

~~~
jacobush
I'd argue it's OK even if your expertise does not catch up. The world goes by
without you or I being perfect. It's one thing to strive to be better, but
what good does it do if you are paralyzed because you question yourself at
every turn?

~~~
tomcam
So true. My internal goal is to get to be better than 80% of people in my
specialty. I don’t claim to be smarter than the top 5% or so. I just hold onto
a work ethic, YT tutorials, and search engine skills. Most people don’t think
too much about what they’re doing so you can scrape past the median just by
doing that.

------
martin_a
It's a hard way and I've been struggling with this, too. I had depressions and
a burn out and felt like I wasn't worth anything.

Took me quite some time to realize that I'm really good at some things and
that people value me for that. Those things are not always work-related, but
we often define our value or our self esteem by success at work.

I'm sure you're really good at something, too and people value you for that.
Find out what it is, and use that confidence to grow in other areas. Think
like "I can make people laugh, so I can handle phone calls with customers".
Yeah, that's oversimplified, but this worked for me.

To be honest: I'm still struggling, but every day I feel a bit better and more
self-confident. It isn't much when viewed on a daily basis, but looking back
it's drastically different (and better) than two years ago.

~~~
nicoburns
> but we often define our value or our self esteem by success at work.

That's amusing for me to hear. Because I'm very successful at work, but have
self-esteem issues because I _don 't_ define my value/self-esteem by success
at work. I'm pretty jealous of your ability to make people laugh. That's
something I find really difficult.

One thing I've noticed is that different people value different things. I have
some friends who really value humour, and being around (only) them too much
can damage my self-esteem as I'm not able to provide one of the things that
they really value. Whereas other friends of mine don't care so much about
humour and value my time, care and attention, which is something that I'm much
better at.

Find your people!

~~~
codesternews
Dito!! I totally agree with this. I am good at alone task. I have low self-
esteem while interacting socially or trying new things or feeling about my
abilities about code (I am good but I do not feel that).

I find my faults and think very negatively and feel other persons superior to
me. I am trying to change that but Its really very hard.

------
cesidio
Recently I just discovered something that made a big difference in improving
my self esteem: a good posture. Just by being more mindful about my posture I
have seen a big increase in confidence. This may help:
[https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/exercise/common-posture-
mistake...](https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/exercise/common-posture-mistakes-and-
fixes/)

------
prittgluestick
For me it was exercise + getting outside and interacting with different people
more + not tying all of my esteem to work + doing some sort of challenge every
day (exercise when I would rather not, go out and socialize when I would
rather not, clean something, learn something, talk about something, etc.). My
self esteem has increased a lot, but I am still not there 100%.

------
lelima
Three suggestions and reason why mate:

1)Do exercise: It will increase chemicals like serotonin, endorphins and
dopamine making you feel way better.

2)Eat more healthy: If you reduce saturated fats and increase protein will
impact your dopamine levels.

3)Book "a guide to the good life": The chapter #1 is very slow but the rest of
the book is pure gold and I found it here in HN, I strongly recommend it.

------
ovatsug25
Work on self-compassion.

If you have self-compassion, you will be kind towards yourself and keep
working towards your goals.

Eventually—you will develop self-esteem.

Working on self-esteem now won't help you because esteem is achieved with
results—which are a product of work over time. And importantly—the results you
aspire to are always a moving target because that means you are growing.

Wishing you loads of luck here!

:)

Want to deep dive? Read this paper: Self-Compassion: An Alternative
Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Oneself

:)

[https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/b357/87b9b21486d00458e85f8b...](https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/b357/87b9b21486d00458e85f8bcdf84d44e83c7c.pdf)

------
estsauver
This is really the prime zone for a therapist.

 _Every_ successful tech executive I've met and gotten to know well has told
me they see a therapist at least occasionally.

Your brain is your money maker. If you were totally dependent on your car for
your living you wouldn't hesitate to take it to a mechanic, would you?

------
thecupisblue
* Understand nobody can see into your head and the knowledge you posses inside

* Understand nothing can hurt you if you just align yourself with the karmic good and don't go into harm in others

* Understand you are the only one giving meaning to events and attaching emotions to them

* Find what caused you to believe you are not good in your past and understand those events. And let go. Your past doesn't influence you, it just brought you here

* Your perfectionism is what gives you the chance to improve, you know where your flaws are

* Meditate

* Check out hypnosis, for example Marisa Peer, to solve deeply rooted issues

* Try psychedelics

~~~
betimsl
> * Check out hypnosis, for example Marisa Peer, to solve deeply rooted issues

Hah.

On the other hand: read about stoicism. It might help.

~~~
thecupisblue
I understand the hah and I was like that at first. Then I read the latest
research, not believing it was a thing, but a lot of papers show it's a thing.
Then I tried it. It actually works.

~~~
avtar
> Then I tried it.

I’m curious as to how you got started. I looked up Marisa Peer and she seems
to have a bunch of resources (books, courses). Is there anything specific that
you would suggest?

~~~
thecupisblue
I got started by reading the gateway experience docs and research, then a
friend pointed me to Marisa. I went and tried one of her free sessions - so
just check out any of the free courses for the issue which bothers you, relax
yourself and let her in - the "sleeping but awake" feeling is awesome .

If you're suspicious, check out this paper:
[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5635845/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5635845/)

------
newnewpdro
As others have mentioned, exercise daily.

There's a psychological trick to a daily routine of self-discipline. Exercise
is a good choice, since it brings all sorts of other benefits in
health/fitness/appearance/mood. But a major component of its effect on self-
esteem is just the success of sticking to your routine and maintaining self-
discipline.

Stupid things like making your bed every morning, are a small success to start
your day with. Exercise is similar but more arduous, and hence more rewarding
to maintain.

Experiencing success regularly and overcoming adversity is how you build self-
confidence.

Another option is to always be learning new things so you're always feeling
like you've conquered something via acquiring new knowledge. Being able to
look back at the you from a month ago and see how you're now able to do and
understand things you couldn't in recent history does wonders for the ego.

The improvements to one's physical appearance regular exercise brings will
also help your ego when you look in the mirror or notice members of the
opposite sex regularly flirting with you or otherwise checking you out. This
last one can be a source of stress if you're introverted and wish to be
ignored, YMMV.

------
vmurthy
From my personal experience, I feel that I lacked objectivity in looking at my
successes and failures. I felt that the failures overshadowed the successes. I
realised that it helped to keep track of successes (minor and major) and
failures too. Whenever I felt very low, I would look at the list. It helped me
gain the confidence that I wasn't a failure :-). Try it and let us know.
Godspeed!

------
gnode
From how you describe this, it sounds like a personality issue (rather than
acute depression / anxiety), particularly in that your anxieties relate to
your self-perception more so than your situational perception. The most
prudent thing for you to do would be to get a therapist (specifically a
psychotherapist, rather than a counsellor or psychiatrist, although the
terminology may be different, depending on your location).

Rather than simply addressing your symptoms, I think one of the most important
things is to understand what's shaped your personality this way. While I
expect cognitive behavioural therapy (as others have suggested) would be
beneficial to you, I think some amount of psychoanalysis would be very useful
in helping you figure out why you have developed the emotional responses you
describe.

In preparation, I would suggest thinking hard about any adverse experiences
which may have contributed to your current patterns of thought. Quite often
these are memories which do not initially seem abnormal to us, and may be
patterns rather than isolated events.

------
peterwwillis
First, see a therapist. People have varying reasons why they have low self-
esteem, so what worked for other people might not work for you. Sometimes the
only way we can help ourselves is to understand ourselves better.

Second, most people tend to value themselves in comparison to others. Who are
some people you look up to, and why? Is it a fair metric? Maybe you wish you
had those same qualities, but are they really the qualities that a person's
worth should be defined by?

Third, as a kind of stop-gap measure, evaluate your physical health. Do you go
outside often (ideally near trees/greenery), get enough sun? Are you
physically fit? How's your diet? Are you getting enough sleep? These things
cumulatively affect your mood and state of mind.

Fourth, investigate whether there are any parts of your life you would like to
improve, and if so, make a basic plan and start it. As you go, revisit and
modify the plan. This can include anything, like learning new languages,
moving to a better neighborhood, building new relationships, getting different
clothes, cooking new cuisines, etc. I found that as I tried to improve myself,
it really just became learning about and experiencing more of the world, and
this in turn made me feel more confident moving through the world.

Five: are you a perfectionist? We all have flaws, in every single aspect of
our lives. They're always there, and you can never be rid of them all. Accept
that you have flaws, and that everyone else does too, and that this is a
natural part of life. If you want to change the flaws, make a plan, and start
it. But either way, try to accept the flaw not as a bad thing, but as another
beautiful part of a unique, individual whole.
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wabi-sabi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wabi-
sabi)

------
hatmatrix
Spend time to master something. Genuine confidence comes from a sense of
empowerment (not entitlement).

~~~
eeZah7Ux
Not at all. That is false confidence! Tying confidence and self-esteem to
abilities or possessions is called dependence.

~~~
boomlinde
It seems only natural to me that the exact opposite is true. What does
"confidence" mean, in your view?

Assuming a dictionary definition, "the feeling or belief that one can have
faith in or rely on someone or something", such a feeling or belief rooted in
absolutely nothing is just unrealistic. It's still a form of dependence, the
only significant difference being that instead of depending on a demonstrable
fact, you depend on an unrealistic fantasy. The latter easily breaks down with
a simple reality check, unless deeply rooted in religious conviction. Self-
confidence without ability is plain arrogance.

Even if you truly don't tie your self-confidence to your abilities, chances
are that you judge others by different standards. I don't confide in others on
the basis of their bare existence as persons, and I try hard to judge myself
by the same standards that I judge others.

The more important concern is choosing which abilities you should hinge your
self-confidence to, and learning to appreciate them and judge them fairly.

------
jCharv
Kettlebells + running or rowing. You can watch stuff if you do kettlebells and
rowing at home (Water Rower rocks). Exercise 5 days a week. It’s hard at
first, but after a couple of weeks it’s easy.

~~~
52-6F-62
I’ll back up the exercise point.

Also want to add that form is crucial with rowing. Don’t go all CrossFit and
throw your back out. It makes me cringe watching that stuff. If you’re going
to row (which is a _great_ compound workout) then _please_ look up videos on
form or go to your local rowing club’s learn to row day.

I was lucky in that I grew up with a trained rowing coach as a mother, and
both parents national champs in rowing, kayak, and canoe.

Can’t stress form enough.

------
ta1234567890
Had the same issue, this book changed my life: The Charisma Myth.

Be warned though, the book has lots of exercises and if you really want to
improve/change, then you need to do them and work hard at it. It will take a
lot of effort and time. You can see the effects very quickly, but to really do
things automatically without thinking about them, it might take years.

A lot of the stuff in the book is based on mindfulness. You basically first
need to be very aware of your emotions, then get comfortable with them in any
situation. Once you are comfortable with your emotions, dealing with
everything else becomes a lot easier and fluid.

Also, this tedx talk has some great advice about seeing self-confidence as a
skill you can develop through practice and positive reinforcement:
[https://youtu.be/w-HYZv6HzAs](https://youtu.be/w-HYZv6HzAs)

------
maroonblazer
In addition to the other advice I'll add this:

-Take an acting class. Or an improv class, if that's easier to find. But acting classes address anxiety more effectively I think.

-Read "Impro" by Keith Johnstone[0]

I've had social anxiety since adolescence and eventually learned how to
pretend to be functional socially. It involved a lot of observing of others
for whom this came naturally and forcing myself into social situations where I
could practice. Eventually you find that the people you interact with can make
all the difference between this being 'work' vs 'fun'. Then you seek out the
latter as much as possible to form your social network.

[0][https://www.amazon.com/Impro-Improvisation-Theatre-Keith-
Joh...](https://www.amazon.com/Impro-Improvisation-Theatre-Keith-
Johnstone/dp/0878301178)

------
jaabe
Start looking at the people you speak with and listen to what they have to
say.

This may sound silly, but you’re likely not doing it right now because you
focus too much on what you think they think about you.

You need to switch that external focus into an internal one, where your
thoughts are your own and not filled with trying to read minds. Because I’m
guessing that you can’t read minds.

So look at people and judge them, with practice you’ll eventually start to
forget worrying about what they may be thinking. Hell, you might even notice
that you rarely judge people negatively, and if you don’t judge them
negatively, then why would they do it to you?

Another good trick is to join a group that does public speaking followed by
sessions where you review each other. By doing that you’ll learn that no one
is as critical of you as you fear.

But you should see a therapist, it can take years to overcome social anxiety.

------
kareninoverseas
I have been making marked improvements in how I view myself and in how I talk
with people. I wouldn't say I'm 100% there yet since I still relapse into
less-healthy habits, like binge-watching tv or browsing HN or reddit instead
of working on things which I find more personally meaningful. I think these
habits are ways of self-medicating when my mind is psychologically weak.

Things that have really been helping me:

\- Exercise! It's been said here before but I'm surprised by how it really is
true. I don't consider myself athletic and for a couple of years my only form
of exercise was walking from one end of campus to the other. When I started
picking up running my heart would start pounding like mad within minutes of
stepping onto the treadmill, which made me feel awful. But after a few weeks
of this I started to feel better about myself and about how my body could keep
up better, which improved my self-esteem a lot. There are peers who can run
half-marathons but I'm happy that my body is able to do a 5K (at least for
now!)

\- Socializing: Making an effort to call up friends, and sending out invites
and follow-ups to friends I normally hadn't spent much time with. I started
making more friends /connecting with old ones in the last term of college. I
consider myself to have moderate issues with anxiety and depression so this
definitely wasn't easy at first. I realized that when I had more friends to
talk to, I wouldn't have to rely on my closest friends in unhealthy,
codependent ways. Prioritizing relationships over my work for the first time
in my life has led me to doing better work overall, since my life is no longer
caught up in a depressive hate-spiral as much.

\- Exploring LGBT+ issues. This may be less applicable to you but at least
some of my anxiety and depression stems from being in the LGBT+ community and
not realizing it. Having a more honest outlook on myself, and coming out to my
supportive (although not perfect) friends has been helpful.

Hope this helps you in your journey!

------
rudyrupak
You are brilliant, you are also brilliantly misunderstood. What you are
offering here is a partial statement in coding parlance. If you wish to DM me
I would be delighted to speak to you more but let me help you through this
based on what data you have inputted. You don't have low self confidence, you
have low risk tolerance. The fact that you can code, and I presume code well,
means you have skills. I would like to collaborate with you to work on
something, anything of your choice, and make it work, I will push you to take
risks as a stranger who will be your cheerleader. I am doing this because I
too have been like you, and sometimes still am. I am not sure if this is
allowed but try me at rudy@qangos.com with the subject line: I am ready to
take a risk.

------
OliverJones
This is hard. I know; I struggle with it too.

Many people struggle with it. I imagine your director has struggled with it in
his lifetime. I mention these things to point out that you are not alone in
this.

For me, I fake it. I've practiced pretending people like to meet me and talk
with me, and that they consider me a good friend and valuable colleague. This
kind of pretense helps me see beyond my own fears. It helps me see myself
reflected in their eyes: that they see me as plenty good enough.

You are plenty good enough too. Seriously. Try to look at yourself reflected
in others' eyes so you can see that.

Good luck and strength with your struggle. It gets better!

------
typhonic
I agree with the exercise. For me it was Aikido. The addition of someone
telling me me that I was improving really helped me.

I have had bosses and potential employers who could see through my insecurity.
That helped too.

------
k4ch0w
Sometimes I think that's the problem with being a professional coder. It does
require a lot of commitment up front to be considered great or a {insert
buzzword here} coder. You tend to avoid other things like socializing or
picking up new hobbies.

I'd say pick a group hobby that interests you and try pushing through the
uncomfortableness of it being awkward in your mind.

When I was struggling with your very same issue I tried improv. It forces you
to have to talk with other people. Another thing I did was Yoga, I think just
being around other people makes you more confident around people. Group
therapy also helps, hearing other's being vulnerable makes you realize other
people struggle with this as well.

You build confidence by being competent someone once told me. You can't be
competent in something you never practice. If you never go out to socialize,
then you won't really be good at socializing will you?

Everyone has faults and I think today it's harder than ever to recognize that.
You may feel worthless and under confident, but so might the other person
you'd just never know it. Social media does us no favors in this regard and
constantly broadcasts the highlights of people's lives rather than their own
struggles. You get the impression that you may be completely alone in your
thoughts, but you're not.

------
notdang
If you like running, I recommend getting into ultras. Atte first it seems
unachievable, but it's pretty doable and not a lot of things in this world can
boost your confidence as knowing that you just finished some 80k, 100m or 24h
races. Also the ultra community is very supportive and not very competitive,
at least not at the hobby level. For example it's bad manner to try to sprint
at the finish line, unless you compete for the podium. (True for my country)

------
timwis
Perhaps the problems you're describing are symptoms of an underlying fear of
vulnerability, something nearly everyone has at some level. Advice for
confidence tends to go in the direction of "fake it till you make it," and
"who gives a shit what other people think," and I think that can help you
_portray_ confidence and even start to feel it.

But imagine if you started at the other end of the problem, and you were able
to "put yourself out there," knowing you may well be wrong, knowing that your
colleagues' criticism would hurt your feelings (rather than numbing yourself
to it), and being able to do it anyway because rejection will hurt but won't
kill you, and because you feel worthy and comfortable in your own skin.

Can't say I have all the answers as this is something I'm working on myself
(with great reward so far), but it's worth expanding your search to include
the vulnerability trail. [Brene
Brown]([https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability](https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability))
is a good start.

------
mgmeyers
I've struggled with self confidence my entire life. In an effort to change and
grow I've read all the major self help books, developed a serious meditation
habit, and even turned to potent psychedelics.

The only thing that I found that actually works, however, is internal family
systems therapy. Because of IFS (and my therapist) I now know what it's like
to be genuinely confident, rather than fighting or pretending to be.

------
negamax
I can share some tips and hope you pull yourself out of this

1\. Mediate (seriously do this to better get hold of your thoughts)

2\. Do small tasks that create positive feedback loop. Cleaning your room,
feeding pets, etc etc

3\. Quit social media

4\. Make friends out of your department, or simply meet new people. Sometimes
it's some unknown (unnoticed) thing in surroundings that causes these issues

5\. Lastly (extended 2nd), volunteer!

------
ben_w
Write down what you’ve achieved every day, and occasionally look over what you
have accomplished.

Sometimes I wonder what I’ve done with myself over the last few years, but
then I look at the size of the text file I produced that way and realise that
I averaged over ten tasks per day last year.

Reminding yourself what you’ve done makes it easier to _discuss_ what you’ve
done.

------
mrmondo
If you can build the confidence - I’d recommend giving a talk about it at a
local meetup group, something like a local devops / dev meetup group as long
as the managers of the group think it’s appropriate for the audience.

You could go into what it makes hard for you, what situations you have
experienced, what advice you’ve received (and if it worked or not if you tried
it and how you did), then you could make the 2nd part of the talk taking
questions from the audience.

It might make you feel uncomfortable and definitely vulnerable but in my
experience if the audience is mostly respectful - I think they’ll naturally
become empathetic or at least sympathetic and respond perhaps by opening up
with some of their experiences and how they evolved from them.

Don’t get me wrong - I know this may well be very scary and if you have
(mental) health issues I would suggest discussing it with your doctor first.

------
davidy123
Many people talk about exercise. For me, it creates a lot of overhead. Five
hours a week of exercise is many times more time in terms of thoughts and
activities. Looking at it from a distance, it's more about distraction. While
the exercise may help in terms of basic physiological levels, lifestyle, etc,
I think that's the key factor.

One thing no one else has mentioned: age. You can gain different benefits with
age, whether it's finding what's important, sources of confidence, or ways to
avoid situations where you're uncomfortable. Using time to find ways to
connect with different people is important for what may be the most healthy
pathways. Taking a strategic approach with this in mind can help too. I don't
like the morbid sounding "this too shall pass," so "it gets better" is a nice
mantra for this.

~~~
humanrebar
> Using time to find ways to connect with different people is important for
> what may be the most healthy pathways.

Yes. I was going to recommend finding peers who give good feedback and
befriending them. Then you can get a more impartial take on something if you
are unsure about it.

And, similarly, find some people with less experience and skill and help
_them_. Maybe coach a robotics competition for teens if you are especially
junior. Write for and mentor junior professionals as you gain seniority.
Helping people is rewarding in its own right, but it also provides some
grounding about what skill level everyone else is at.

------
slothtrop
Confidence comes with competence. Talking to others gets easier the more you
do it, so take some initiative to get out of your comfort zone. Breathe deeply
and bear in mind that whatever you might deem "awkward" is usually blown out
of proportion from your perspective. If others hang out with you, they like
you fine. Your inner voice is much, much harsher.

Would do wonders to join a sport also.

I've been the awkward introverted socially anxious guy, from me teens through
early 20s. Being a hermit won't do you any favors. In school, capitalize on
opportunities to go out with others, do fun activities, etc.

The solution to better socializing is socializing. Let yourself make mistakes.
They will quickly dwindle in occurrence.

------
bayesian_horse
One method to achieve more self-esteem: Do more things you are proud of and
less of those that you are not proud of.

Second method: Invest effort into yourself.

But the "effort" has to be something that actually takes work, courage or
frustration, and it must not be something immediately gratifying or
distracting. The reasoning is that in experimental behavioral economy, the
worth of something is determined by how much energy a subject or animal will
exert to get it. You are the animal, the "something" is "your self worth" and
then you have to find a way to expend energy towards your self. Your
subconscious will over time learn from these examples that you value yourself.

------
hugh1618
Human beings are hierarchical animals. Those on the top are happier, calmer,
and better adjusted. Thus, to be happy, you must have more self-esteem. It is
really a snap-out-of-it kind of thing. Imagine you are on the top of that
hierarchy and you are instantly tricking your brain into being happier, and
from there you will act such that you will soon arrive at the top. I recommend
finding videos of confident people you would like to become, and step into
their shoes. Not being someone else, but by osmosis see the world through
their eyes. Your self-esteem has nothing to do with your abilities or your
achievement. Please do not confuse the two. Good luck.

------
hackermailman
Militaries solve this problem by having recruits repeatedly challenge
themselves, doing tasks they think are beyond their capabilities, like
repelling off a very high platform or surviving in a jungle for a week. You
won't be doing this of course but the more stuff you try outside your comfort
level the more confidence builds in your abilities. I would imagine same goes
for programming, try to continually challenge yourself in your spare time with
things that seem too difficult at your current level of understanding like
going through open MIT courses, or join a jiu-jitsu class, hiking club, learn
cooking, anything that is a challenge.

------
RickJWagner
My friend, you are not alone. I suspect many programmers suffer from this
problem.

My advice is to find some way to serve a local community. (I'm just finishing
up coaching a youth soccer team.) Nothing makes you feel better than helping
others.

Good luck!

------
LarryMade2
When you fist do things you aren't gonna do them good most of the time. How
did you get there with coding? You wrote a lot of code, you probably started
with the basics, simple stuff that doesn't matter, and worked on refining it,
making it something useful, etc.

That's life. Take opportunities to practice your socialization, lunch
meetings, trade shows, conventions, shopping, etc. Talking to fellow humans is
easier when talking about something trivial like games.

Start somewhere, find situations where there are no worries about the
outcomes, build from there. Doesn't hurt to practice on your own either.

------
bbansalkgp
Hi,

First of all many of us also feel like you in different situations so don't
get stressed. I started doing 'toastmasters' a year back to improve my public
speaking and in general thinking of my feet abilities and have been very
transformational for me. If you would like as a non-profit I do mock-
interviews for people to help them be ready for their interviews I can also
try helping [https://calendly.com/bbansal/mock-interview-
practice?month=2...](https://calendly.com/bbansal/mock-interview-
practice?month=2019-05)

------
wurp
I'm reading The Procrastination Equation right now, and it has the following
(excellent, IMO) advice:

Find tasks of any sort at all that you can do. Do them, noting your success.
Do this every day. Again, pay attention to successes. Recognize that you
accomplish your goals, and expand on those goals.

For goals that take multiple days to accomplish, your first task is to plan by
breaking the goal down into smaller tasks you can accomplish in a day.
Appreciate completion of each of these, including the planning itself.

The book does a better job of pitching it & giving examples. The most relevant
bit is in Chapter 8.

------
andersthue
This book [https://www.amazon.com/Anatomy-Peace-Resolving-Heart-
Conflic...](https://www.amazon.com/Anatomy-Peace-Resolving-Heart-
Conflict/dp/1626564310) changed how i look at changing myself and personal
development in general, it might help you see things differently.

If it does, I can recommend seeking out an Arbinger trained coach to help you
dive deeper into the material.

(Ps. I am super biased being such a coach myself, i took the training to get
more self esteem, it worked, and now i want to pass it on to others)

------
rowaway52019
Using a throwaway here because I'm still a bit feeling a shamed although I
shouldn't...

I've been there. I always had a feeling I had something wrong in me, that I
lacked something that others had. Being able to be confidence. For me it ended
up stemming from my ADHD, it caused me my inner monologue volume to be just
too high, and negative thoughts to surface more.

I wish I could tell you there was one silver bullet, but there wasn't. People
with natural confidence don't know to teach how they got there, because it's
natural for them.

I had to learn it from scratch. And it was achieved via small steps. Small
achievements, lot's of good old fashioned self assertions (reading positive
affirmations about myself each morning, making a list of what good things I
did today, making a list of written and achievable goals, being forgiving to
myself)

For me also taking Ritalin at some point helped accelerate it as it helped me
lower the volume of my inner monologue and thought loop.

Also knowing ADHD had something to do with it, helped me make peace with the
fact I'm just a good person, I forgave my younger self for the mistakes I
made, the embarrassing things I said, the things I wanted to say but didn't.
It may sound lame in writing, but realizing I was a good boy after all,
cracked something in me that made peace with myself.

English is not my native language so hope it made sense.

tl;dr I've been there, it's possible to build confidence, it takes lot's of
small wins and being deliberate, forgiving to yourself, and also getting
diagnosed to see if you can blame some neurologic situation vs yourself. this
may be the counter intuitive thing, but for me it was the game changer. I
finally really stopped thinking I was stupid. It was some neurological problem
with my brain. that worked for me, YMMV.

------
p0nce
CBT should be especially well suited
[https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=19958920](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=19958920)

------
yodsanklai
I think it's a personality trait, not easy or even possible to overcome. But
it gets better with time as you gain experience. For instance, talking with
your supervisor may be hard now, but will certainly be easier in six months.
And in two years, your supervisor may be the one asking you questions and
seeking your expertise. And you're not alone in this. Some people may appear
very confident, and as you get to know them better you realise they are
struggling too.

------
ahje
As many others here, I have been (and in some ways still am) in the same
situation myself.

My advice, find something else to do in your spare time. Many people recommend
excersise. Remember, excersise doesn't have too be going to a gym, or going
jogging. There are plenty of activities that will give you a good workout as a
bonus. Personally, I like chopping wood.

Also, if you are able to, try to take a little longer lunch breaks and spend
the extra time doing non-work related stuff. Outside if you can.

------
endriju
If you think that you are lucky to have good friends and helpful colleagues,
maybe turn it around and think to yourself - they are lucky to have me!

Personally, I consider people who are humble or even low self-esteem as more
interesting. Maybe it even correlates with intelligence? Idk, but the fact
that you might feel like you lack confidence can actually make you look more
interesting to people.

I know many people (including me) who try to minimize contact with with over-
confident people when possible.

------
Buttons840
I've read a couple dozen self-help books over the last few years. This one
changed my mindset more deeply than any other:

[https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25692561-how-to-be-an-
im...](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25692561-how-to-be-an-
imperfectionist)

I went from being "socially awkward, and I feel awkward about it" to "socially
awkward, but that's OK" largely because of this book.

------
r6203
Read "The Solution To Social Anxiety: Break Free From The Shyness That Holds
You Back" [1]

Your thoughts ("I am not good enough") are exactly what the author describes
in the book.

[1] [https://www.amazon.com/Solution-Social-Anxiety-Break-
Shyness...](https://www.amazon.com/Solution-Social-Anxiety-Break-
Shyness/dp/0988979802)

------
gigatexal
Trade you some of my confidence for your coding skills... :)

Advice hmm not sure as I’m naturally extroverted so I don’t know how to help
but I feel for you. Nobody wants to feel unsure in such situations.

I wonder if self motivating mantras help, or does positive affirmations of a
job well done help say from your boss or a coworker? What about mentoring
someone might that help you build confidence?

------
exabrial
Exercise: Hard cardio work 5/7 days a week, assuming you're biological sex is
male, maybe a 400-600 calorie burn per day.

------
Slimbo
Lifting is good advice.

Try to stop caring as much. Books like 'the subtle art of not giving a f _ck '
may help. If you find something start to bother you, remind yourself that
ultimately it doesn't really matter and that while you'd like to succeed, you
don't _have* to, so take some of the pressure off yourself.

------
projectileboy
There are no easy answers. All the answers in this thread are worth trying
though. Walks and runs and bike rides help. So does meditation. Social
interaction with people you trust (or if you don’t trust anyone, with people
you don’t know very well).

------
galfarragem
Listen to stuff from Dan Munro. Honest words, no BS.

You can start here: [https://highexistence.com/dan-munro-honesty-
podcast/](https://highexistence.com/dan-munro-honesty-podcast/)

------
mysterydip
No matter how rich, powerful, famous, or intelligent, everybody poops. What I
mean by that is we are all flawed humans at the end of the day.

People may be better in one way or another, but we all have equal value as
human beings.

------
wallace_f
Too many comments already but one quick one:

Self-esteem and confidence are related, but not the same thing. Solving your
problem may require deeper consideration of where precisely it is.

------
FailMore
I had low self confidence and no longer do. I've studied psychology of mental
health and am training to be a therapist, so I will be discussing things
through this lens.

So while low self esteem is annoying to experience, it is important to
understand that _it has a function_. You are not experiencing it due to
chance, it is serving a purpose. You have to remove the need for it to exist
and it will go.

Typically, the function of low self esteem is to protect you from the _brain
's idea_ of conflict - this was the case with me. It is important to note that
the brain's idea of conflict does not fit with the the standard definition -
while it includes obvious examples of conflict (e.g., getting angry with a
friend who has done something out of order) it also includes situations which
are more subtle. For the brain, conflict is breaking the expectations of
others (or rather, your own idea of their expectations) - for example, let's
say you've been learning the guitar and haven't ever played anything in front
of your friends, breaking the flow of conversation with "guys, I've been
learning guitar and I want to play you a song I've been working on" is a
'conflict' in the eyes of your brain; even though you aren't doing anything
negative, you are disrupting everyone's expectations of that moment. Your
brain knows it would be "safer" (less disruptive) for you if you didn't pause
the conversation to play guitar. From here on I'll refer to 'the brain's idea
of conflict' simply as 'conflict'.

Feeling low self esteem helps you avoid conflict. Let's look at how:

1) Conflict exists in relationships. Low self esteem makes relationships
difficult and makes you feel insecure in them. This means they are harder to
construct, harder to maintain and as the one's you have feel insecure, if a
conflict were to emerge in them you would take the submissive path. "You don't
DESERVE to have this relationship, so of course you should shut up and agree!"

2) Conflict exists when expectations are broken. Low self esteem means you
don't want to try (and _definitely_ don't want to share) your creative
endeavours. Unless you are painting by numbers, creation is pretty much always
disruptive - it adds something new and potentially uncomfortable to the world.
Your brain knows this, so to keep you safe from conflict it would rather you
feel shit about yourself and hide your creativity, than feel good, create and
risk disruption.

So, how to break the cycle? You need to remove the fear of upsetting others -
and this means practicing it. It means catching yourself avoiding this and
making yourself do it again and again. Even if the experience does not go well
your confidence will grow. The need to avoid conflict is learnt in infancy,
where you really are dependent on other people loving you to survive - so your
brain just needs to know that you will _survive conflict_ , rather than it
ending up with everyone too happy on the other side.

Broadly speaking, all anxieties are functional in this protective way, and all
are resolvable through focused action. Though it was a bit unusual, during
therapy developing a new way to interpret dreams which enabled me to know
where to focus my action meant my progress improved rapidly. I wrote a paper
on it which is available here:
[https://psyarxiv.com/k6trz](https://psyarxiv.com/k6trz)

Happy conflicting :)

~~~
koffiekop
This is a very clear explanation. I immediately recognize this many aspects.
Thanks for that!

------
rerpha
exercise.

~~~
threeseed
And try and exercise everyday.

It will make you feel better, look better, be more relaxed and you can always
expand into social exercise activities.

Plus if you're working in IT you need to balance all of the sitting down.

~~~
jamesholden
As someone struggling with this too, it's seriously the key.

No matter how I eat/sleep/schedule.. nothing seems to bring everything
together in my life as having an exercise routine. It shouldn't be the cherry
on top, it needs to be the glue that holds together.

Or maybe a better analogy: treat it like brushing your teeth. Sure it can be a
chore, and something that needs to be done.. but you can't NOT do it without
significant long term consequence to your health.

------
rygxqpbsngav
You need a mentor/coach. Find a good one.

~~~
pbhjpbhj
Why does he need one, what will that do for him?

How should he find a _good_ one?

------
Blackstone4
Focus on doing your best and not on the outcome. Tell yourself you can handle
any outcome. This will help your confidence.

------
bg4
It’s all in how you perceive it. You’re in control. You can dispense with
misperception at will, like rounding the point.

------
HNLurker2
I am writing this while being asocial in highschool and instead lurking on
hacker news

My confidence is as great as my height.. short

------
segmondy
Most of the advice here are ridiculous.

Become crazy competent (EXPERT) in an area. You will find your confidence.

------
sumitsinghh
try nofap challenge, it may help in increasing confidence -
[https://mrmindblowing.com](https://mrmindblowing.com) has good articles about
nofap

------
mapster
Do you have anyone in your life that lifts you up, is a cheerleader for you?

------
zygimantasdev
If possible - stop coding for some time and volunteer in non-related field

------
notduncansmith
It really helps to make friends who can talk about their flaws. By being open
about the things you’re working on, you make it acceptable to be imperfect and
then you won’t be so nervous about someone finding something unlikable about
you. They definitely will, but that doesn’t matter. You are a good person, who
has the potential for a huge net positive impact on the world, if you harness
your potential. Check out some of Jordan Peterson’s interviews on Joe Rogan,
he has a lot of good stuff to say about how to get your life into a shape
you’re happy with.

------
tomerbd
always choose the mentally hard option, when faced with two options, choose
the harder one, your life will change.

------
cvaidya1986
Run. Lift. Meditate. Build stuff.

------
throwaw-zxcvbn
It is not easy.

While at university, I once went to the university shrink and said, look, I
have no motivation, I can't get myself to go to the gym and exercise, I don't
manage to get a good sleep rhythm, I eat crap, I don't study enough, I have no
discipline.

The guy says, well, I know exactly what's wrong and what you need to do: you
need to develop more discipline, study more, eat healthy, develop a regular
sleep rhythm, go to the gym and exercise, and be more motivated.

No shit! Thanks Sherlock.

So, here my attempt to give slightly more useful advice. I read research
concluding that behavioural change can come about through three means:

1\. an epiphany (eg someone you know develops cancer, and you suddenly realise
what's important) - rare.

2\. a significant change in surroundings (eg you move to a different country)
- rare.

3\. baby steps, but sustained baby steps. Like an oil tanker - you change the
direction by just a degree (and even that is hard), but over years you end up
at a better place.

The latter is realistic. (Found the source:
[https://www.tinyhabits.com](https://www.tinyhabits.com) )

I'd try:

* be compassionate and benevolent towards yourself. Sure, you have flaws, but nobody is perfect. Do not compare yourself to others (particularly not to Instagram caricatures or Nobel laureates or Fields medalists or so). Depending on what motivates you, you could consider this effort (taking care of yourself and being good to yourself) as a duty, or as a challenge, or as a commandment, or an axiom, or a tool. (This does not mean that you should be egocentric and selfish, just the opposite: you have to be healthy and strong so you can better help others!)

* recognise that bias in self-perception is ok, and both overconfidence and "underconfidence" have advantages and disadvantages. Now, for you, it's the way it is, no need to beat yourself up for it, now let's work with what's there.

* read the book "Mindset" by Carol Dweck. (Someone recommended the Stoics ("A Guide to the Good Life"), but not sure how applicable that is here, though it is a great book. It emphasises the idea that you should not care so much about things, but about your response to them - the only thing you can change is yourself, your own behaviour.)

* set some small goals (just say hello to someone at a conference or ask someone a question in supermarket, wake up at 8am for a week, read 15 mins of documentation every day for something you want to learn, ... ), try your best, and don't beat yourself up if you don't manage one day - just get back on the horse. Just get back on the horse. Take a smaller horse if need be, and get back up.

* check out Martin Seligman and "Positive Psychology", "Authentic Happiness".

* maybe do consider going to a psychotherapist employing CBT.

------
ismail
* below is based on my own personal experience, and journey.

some of the comments I have read below are about “what to do” to increase
confidence.

While these are super useful, they are most likely a bandaid, with a scar that
never heals. I have come to learn this lesson myself.

There is the “generic” advice that you will find all over the blogospheres
“exercise, meditate, take up a sport etc. ” I tried it all. It works up to an
extent. But does not really help you generate true self confidence (IMHO).

What I am going to discuss below is not generic(I.e exercise). It is a process
you could use that will answer some key questions and is fully customised to
you.

Some warnings/tips first:

\- This process is super difficult.

\- Effectively you have to confront or re-live some of your most difficult
memories

\- You will initially feel like you aren’t making progress Stick with it

\- do not do this if you believe you have serious psychological issues

\- have someone you can talk to about this, a friend or confident who could
help you make sense of it

\- speak to your family(Brothers, sisters, parents ) as well. They could help
you Clarify details and lend support .

-This Process has worked for me as mentioned above

\- Also note this is a never ending journey. You will always discover ways to
improve.

\- It’s the first time I am actually writing it down. I use this process as
more of a heuristic rather than an algorithm. Take what you need and modify as
needed.

So the main question is, based on yours is:

how does one develop a sense of true-self confidence?

The process:

1\. Start with a question, as you have.

2\. Then reframe the question: ask Why am I.... x

I.e why am I not confident?

3\. Start journaling, log and reflect on the times you feel like this. The
“why am I...” questions to ask: who, what, where, when, how?

4\. Pay attention to your thoughts at these times. Pay attention to your body
and how your fee in it. Jot them down. Do this for a few weeks.

5\. This is critical: Reflect on your history as far back as you can go. Note
down major life incidents, good, bad, Conflicts etc. I prefer to do this
visually creating a timeline. Then mapping events, what i thought at the time,
who was involved etc. Similar to the questions in your journal.

6\. Review your journals/notes and timeline. Look for a link between your
history and your triggers/thoughts/feelings/fears

7\. Speak to others involved in key incidents. What was going on, how did they
see the situation? Is it similar to how you have seen it. What do they
remember? Note these down. How did you feel?

8\. The key question you want answers for when reviewing your timeline and
journals is: What in my past is influencing my behaviour and actions today?

In other words review your timeline and then link to your notes, journal.

I am almost certain you will find it in this process.

If anyone has questions ping Me on email. If this is useful and you get value.
Let me know once you have been through it.

------
_ro9t
I think I know exactly how you might feel. Until around 1 month ago I was
struggling with the same kind of problems. I won't detail it here because I
don't feel like exposing it publicly, but those problems included socializing.
Over the years, I worked very hard to try to change and be a more interesting
person. I am honestly very good at my job but otherwise my life was boring and
sucked. I was a very shy and introvert person. I believed that was just how I
was and how I was born, nothing I could change.

I spent tens of hours on Google, Reddit and Quora, desperately looking for the
miraculous advice that might work for me. I tried every advice I could find on
Internet, from exercice and meditation to NoFap. Some helped me feel a little
better, but in the end I didn't feel happy and the problem was still here. And
I regularly felt depressed and anxious. Some people talked to me about therapy
and I saw many people writing obout it on Internet, but I never really thought
about it. That was not for me, I didn't think my problem was bad enough. I
sometimes thought about trying it but never actually took the decision.

One day, I experienced an unusually violent anxiety attack. That was the
moment I admitted to myself that despite wanting to get better and working
hard towards it, I was not getting better at all. I decided to ask help to a
psychologist. And I sent one an email to him during this attack. Because I
knew I wasn't going to do it later when I would feel better.

That was one month ago. Now keep in mind that what is below is my humble
experience. It is probably different for everybody, and there are many kinds
of therapy. Only an expert can determine which one is suited for someone.

I thought it was going to take a long, slow and painful time. But from the
very first session I experienced dramatically and "miraculous" changes. The
same day I walked for the first time of my life in a nightclub. Trying a new
experience after this first session helped me realize many things and patterns
of thinking I had. Honestly a bit of alcohol also helped me (I use to not
drink at all, so even just one beer made me reasonably drunk). On the last
weeks I experienced many new experiences, progressively achieving to break my
own barriers. Last weekend, I went on two parties, Karaoke, went all-out in
dancing like everyone else, and spend all the night here. Without drinking.
Until one month ago, I never danced, sang or spent a full night outside.

There is also this guy. You know, the one that is always crazy in a group of
people. The one that jokes, has always something fun to say or do. The one
that leads the party. I always had a negative view of this kind of person (for
whatever reason), but secretly jealoused them for being so extrovert. Last
week, I wanted to follow this guy. I sang with him, followed him in whatever
funny stuff he tried, and I actually did it without fear. And I never felt
that great in my life before. I never felt so free of myself.

In my case I started a "cognitive psychotherapy" (I hope the translation is
right - I am not a native English speaker). The way it works is that I talk to
my therapist about my experiences and about my problems. The therapist does
not gives me much counsels nor says what I have to do. When I talk, he just
asks some very precise, simple and targeted questions like "why". The first
thing that comes to my mind, even if it seems ridiculous or off topic is
usually the most interesting one. And by doing that, I discover links between
my behaviour and specific past experiences. Links that I wasn't aware of. For
every topic we cover, I become conscious of decisions I made long ago and
forgot (while still observing it). Most of the time it is from my childhood or
teenagerhood, and either from difficult experiences or from the very strict
education I received (by-the-way I never thought before that it could have
been wrong). What is interesting is that I don't change during the therapy
sessions. I actually change between them. Because every time I become aware of
those links, I also become free of thinking again about it. I can decide if it
was a good choice or not. I can decide to break the pattern or not.

I never felt so happy. I feel so free. It has only been one month. I still
have a lot of things to discover about myself, a lot of chains to break. But
now I found the path. And I'm definitely going to find where it leads.

------
kissgyorgy
Do something you can be really proud of.

I suffered the same lack of confidence you described. It took years, but I
became really good at my job by learning a lot, so I got confident only in my
job at first, to the point when I started arguing about technical decisions
really heavily and started taking over a huge project.

This confidence is slowly transferring to other areas of my life. For example,
talking to strangers was a huge burden for me too, but it's not a problem
anymore because I can believe now that I'm as much human as they are with the
same set of problems as they have.

Also meeting with assholes (who talk low about you or ignore you) can be a
really big hit for your confidence, but try to mark them as such and don't
take it personally.

A huge turning point was me when I read this article about what other people
expect from me. It really opened my eyes and I could judge myself and my
relationships with people more objectively:
[https://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-
make-y...](https://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-
better-person/)

Also, I very like Bill Murray's philosophy:
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3_j0BlbUy8](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3_j0BlbUy8)

------
Circuits
There are many forms of confidence. For instance, you are confident in your
ability to program and so you program more efficiently than say.. someone like
me, who is less confident in their programming abilities. So the question you
should be asking yourself is: how did you become so confident at programming?
I would be willing to bet that practice is the answer. The same is true for
social confidence, you need practice. You need to fail so that you can learn.
You need to push boundary's so that you can navigate them better in the
future.

I would suggest you go join a bowling, golfing or pool league of some kind.
Practice interacting with people in an environment where you can be
comfortable making a fool of yourself knowing you don't have to come back the
next day. I wouldn't suggest attempting to make a fool of yourself, but in the
event you do (because you are pushing boundary's) you won't have to worry
about it because you don't HAVE to go bowling again next week. So, my advice,
practice practice practice.

------
malms
Fuck more girls

------
alimw
I don't know that the world really needs more confident people.

~~~
sprash
The problem is that confidence is rarely correlated to competence. Smart
people are often in self doubt because they know what they don't know.

