

Why Do Some Relationships Fail? - lwc123
http://larrycheng.com/2010/03/13/why-do-some-relationships-fail/

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nfnaaron
I read this book after I divorced, and I remember seeing a lot of my own
relationship in it.

Bottom line, everyone is not you, and to make the most of a relationship you
need to understand how they see things, and accommodate.

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thisduck
_you need to understand how they see things_

Isn't that the hard part?

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FluidDjango
No. The hardest part is often the _willingness_ to see things from another's
point of view - and to have it _be all right_ for the other to have a
different point of view.

Understanding comes with that willingness.

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Tichy
I'd like to see some explanation in terms of evolution theory for things being
like that before I buy it. Otherwise, how different is that theory from "some
people are born in the sign of scorpio and some in the sign of capricorn, and
they don't mix together well"?

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philwelch
I'd rather see some evidence, personally. Evolutionary explanations for how
people behave in relationships are usually just-so stories--you can make one
up for almost any thesis you wanted to push.

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Tichy
I don't mean an explanation of the form "men have been hunters for 1000s of
years, therefore they communicate love in five different ways". I mean an
explanation why this trait is more probable to be passed on into further
generations, and why they provide an evolutionary stable equilibrium.

I hate those pseudo evolutionary reasons you read in women's magazines as
well.

Even if you provide evidence, it would still be interesting to discover a
reason for the things being like they are. At least I think so.

Have you read Jared Diamond "Why is sex fun" or "The Third Chimpanzee"? I
didn't have the impression that what he said about the competitions of the
sexes were just-so stories, although in some cases there were several
different theories.

I would be interested in examples of what you mean by "just-so-stories", too.

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philwelch
"I mean an explanation why this trait is more probable to be passed on into
further generations, and why they provide an evolutionary stable equilibrium."

My point is that there's no real sign that any pattern of human behavior
adheres to any kind of adaptive genetic trait at all. Less than 1% of hominid
evolution has occurred in civilizations, and there's no sign evolution has
caught up to the environments we're living in now. The sexual behaviors of
urbanized book-reading humans today probably have something to do with
evolution, but they aren't necessarily adaptive to our place and time and are
dictated so much by environment, including but not limited to culture, that
asking for an evolutionary explanation gets you almost no understanding of the
process at all.

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Tichy
I disagree completely. Evolution is not something that has happened a couple
of thousand years ago. It is an ongoing process. There certainly are behaviors
in relationships that are a result of modern living conditions. I'd argue
these are also results of evolution.

Maybe I should clarify: evolution is not limited to genetic traits. It also
applies to behaviors, strategies, designs, everything. Perhaps it would be
clearer if I asked for the economic reason (why is it economical for partners
to behave like x in a relationship).

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philwelch
Okay, I'm not really sure what you're asking for, then. If your plausibility
test for a model of human behavior revolves around whether it's rationally
self-interested, you're probably set up for a disappointment, and I still
think it's more fruitful to look for direct evidence for a pattern of behavior
than to look for a plausible story to tell about how that pattern of behavior
is adaptive.

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Tichy
I didn't say rationally self-interested. It just has to have a probability to
survive. It's not a given that self-interest is the best survival trait,
groups working together might improve their chances. No point in giving a
crash course on evolution theory here, though.

Also, of course gathering data and evidence would be useful, too.

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epochwolf
Article is short and simple. I definitely recommend reading the book.

Knowing about this has really helped my relationship with my parents and my
friends. While every person doesn't fit neatly into this framework, it's
useful as a starting point to understanding how to have a meaningful
relationship with other people.

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kungfooey
This book had a pretty big impact on me before I read it. Really it just
serves to open your eyes to the fact that, yes, people are different. My wife
and I both read the book before we got married and this simple framework was a
good way for us to enunciate our preferences.

I'm not big on self-help books in general, but I found it to be marginally
useful and worth the time to read.

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Anon84
s/some/most/g

