
Ask HN: Looking for books about raising kids - croo
I&#x27;m looking for books which describes the intellectual and emotional development of kids from age of 3 to adulthood (and anything in between). Examples of successful and unsuccessful restraining &#x2F;punishment&#x2F;rewarding systems and the psychology behind it, the how’s and whys. Maybe books or lecture notes for teacher or psychiatrist students.<p>Do you know any good books on this subject?<p>I searched for previous submissions but all I could find were &quot;don&#x27;t read parenting forums and give lots of love&quot; but that&#x27;s not what I&#x27;m looking for - toddler age is great but now I have to raise them into a functioning adult and I could use some handles.
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codegeek
Parent of 2 young kids. Wife got this book from Amazon [0] called "How to Talk
so Kids Will Listen...And Listen So Kids Will Talk" which surprisingly is
really good.

[0] [https://www.amazon.com/Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-
Listen/dp/07435...](https://www.amazon.com/Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-
Listen/dp/0743525086)

As a parent, I have observed that kids observe YOU. Plain and simple. You want
them to do something? You do it first and show them. For example, eating
together as a family on Dining Table. My wife and I would just eat on the sofa
and kids started expecting the same. They would run around during dinner time.
One day, we decided to stick to a plan that we will eat only on the table. It
took a bit of a time but kids are now eating on the table 90% of the time (not
quite there with 100% yet but that is how it is with kids. No absolutes :))

So before you think about setting up systems for THEM, setup systems for YOU
which they will just follow. Really hard as adults to change our own habits
but it does wonders.

All the best. Raising kids is the hardest thing I have ever done and I have
done a lot of hard things in my life. You will need a bit of luck, tons of
support from family and most importantly: a clear head :)

~~~
Ooberdan
I second this book. Whilst I'd heard some of the tips before, having it all in
one place really helped me apply a considered approach to dealing with an oft
angry toddler. Best of luck!

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amorphous
I don't believe you can learn this from a book. It's a highly personal
journey, depending on you, your family and your kids. Your kids educate you as
much as you educate them, you are in this together. I understand you want to
seek advice but I honestly don't think there's a blueprint.

~~~
matt_the_bass
I agree.

One thing I would suggest is observe other people (and yourself), how they’ve
turned out, and what conditions may have contributed to their current state
(for good and for bad).

~~~
croo
Great suggestion but it won't work as it lacks data points.

Self reflection is my everyday bread since I have kids, but no one - apart
spouse - really tells you about their childhood traumas, his connections with
his father or mother (and of course you will never hear the other end of a
story) or how their parents were handling them, or have a chance to really see
inside their lives. Without this information you cannot get to the reasons or
good/bad parental decisions.

But a therapist could have this information. Could have enough data points.
Could wirte a book about it. It would be a mistake not to read it and learn
from others mistake and success.

~~~
matt_the_bass
What about those family friends who’s kids turned out to be poorly adjusted
adults? Or the brother in law who doesn’t have clue about life. There are lots
of places to obverse.

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mikebos
I tried to read a few articles/websites about parenting when my kids reached
the three years. The problem is that most are about what at that time is the
current fad in psych country. Most of that stuff is made up as they go without
any scientific proofing what so ever. Never found a good one tbh.

I tend to follow the following guidelines:

1\. punishments generally don't work as a long term solution, only apply when
temper is lost :-)

2\. Give lots of freedom so they can make errors. Only apply a rule to a
situation when you can make a logical argument about it and make that rule
situation specific instead of general.

3\. Spent time, talk to them, play games with them, make fun with them know
what's going on in their live.

It's not perfect but so far they are decent individuals and i have lots of fun

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methusala8
I am not sure if this is what you are looking for, but 'Mindset' by Carol
Dweck is a good book. It talks about 'Growth Mindset' and how parents can
inculcate this in their kids as opposed to the "fixed " mindset approach.

Another book that I would suggest is called 'Constructive living' by David
Reynolds. Although that book is not about Raising kids per se, I am sure you
can tweak some aspects of the book's teachings (for ex: Not allowing how we
'feel' determine our actions/lack of it) can be helpful when the toddler grows
up.

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tmaly
Pick a Montessori book for parents, the general method in a practical sense is
get your child do things on their own and stay curious about learning.

How to Talk so Your Kids Will Listen is one book to consider for kids 8 or
older.

I would highly recommend the How to Teach Your Baby to Read book and other
books by that author. There are some nuggets of gold in there for teaching and
this method works best starting at 12 months.

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andrei_says_
Raising your children, raising yourself by Naomi Aldort.

An honest, down to earth and well tested (she has coached thousands of parents
with “problem” children/situations) approach to natural, respectful and long-
term parenting.

Natural - working with the nature of development and needs that a human child
has. Working against them takes tons of energy and produces agony.

Long-term - playing the long game instead of looking for short term fixes
resulting in “parenting debt” like addiction to rewards, broken trust etc.

Raising ourselves - because parenting is about growing up and often facing
beliefs, trauma and triggers associated with one’s own childhood. It is a
great opportunity for self healing in the context of ending inter generational
patterns.

Can’t recommend it enough. Also recommend her talks — on YouTube and via her
website.

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stbn
Oliver James: How To Develop Emotional Health [1]

Goodreads only shows a rating of 3.59/5 but personally I would recommend it.
It speaks about how the early years are crucial for developing emotional
health and what parents can do.

Disclaimer: I am not a parent so I can't tell how much it helps in practice.

[1]: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/20621101-how-to-
develop-...](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/20621101-how-to-develop-
emotional-health)

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noahth
Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn has a great perspective on the
reward/punishment question. Doesn't check all your boxes but worth checking
out alongside other options.

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jotux
"Parenting with reason" by Strahan, Dixon, and Banks. I liked that they
actually cite evidence and it's not just someone's anecdotal ramblings.

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Digory
Farnam Street had an enjoyable interview with Barbara Coloroso recently.[0]

But, as others have said, there are no magic bullets, and much of the advice
in this area is about fads. Like romantic love, every 'rule' has an exception,
and it's easy to follow the rules over the edge to cruelty.

[0] [https://fs.blog/barbara-coloroso/](https://fs.blog/barbara-coloroso/)

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LarryMade2
Check with your local Child Care Resource & Referral Agency, there's probably
one in your area even if you aren't in the US. They will have great parent
resources as well as very knowledgeable staff, some have their own Child Care
Development libraries.

Here's a local CCR&R locator [http://childcareaware.org/ccrr-search-
form/](http://childcareaware.org/ccrr-search-form/)

