
Ask HN: Why do the things you are most afraid of? - cryptozeus
I have noticed a common theme in all the personal development articles. Do the things are you are most afraid of or if you have to choose between two then pick the solution that seems harder.<p>Has anyone done this successfully ? Can you share examples ? What would be the scientific reason behind this ?
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oblio
Well, it's hard to say for business/science, but for example in sports it's
recommended to start with the hardest things because your energy runs out or
you are at higher risk of injury if you do them later.

Example: triathlon:
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triathlon](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triathlon)

Swimming first - cause if you are really tired you have higher odds of
drowning.

Cycling after - cause if you're really tired you might fall off at high speed,
run into something, again, at high speed, therefore possibly hurting yourself
badly.

Running last - cause you have the lowest risk of injuring yourself seriously
if something bad happens.

I guess the guiding principle would be "fail fast". Do the hard stuff first
cause if you can't do it you have time to recover. And obviously, if you
manage to do it, congrats, everything else is smooth sailing.

~~~
fiftyacorn
The choice of swimming is more about race management. If you have people mass
start a 750m or even ironman then you know everyone is out the water by a
given time, say 1:30 for IM

Swim last means a race organiser has no control over when people arrive at the
water and it can be spread over hours

------
itamarst
"if you have to choose between two then pick the solution that seems harder"
seems like terrible advice. Productivity comes from avoiding wasted effort, so
doing the harder thing would quite often make you less productive
([https://codewithoutrules.com/2017/10/04/technical-skills-
pro...](https://codewithoutrules.com/2017/10/04/technical-skills-productive/)
talks about avoiding wasted work).

Different domains have different requirements, other comments suggest this is
fine advice for sports.

Perhaps the original was "do the solution that will teach you the most"? But
even then, there are cases where learning is not a goal.

"Do the thing you're most afraid of" has some caveats, presumably, like "where
the actual worst case is not dying." Like, I'm afraid of being hit by a car if
I run through a red light, so not planning on running red lights.

~~~
zentiggr
I think the closest meaning would be more in line with a quote I've heard
attributed to Mark Twain: "If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it
first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best
to eat the biggest one first."

------
Thriptic
It depends on what you mean by things you are most afraid of. I think these
fears can be broken into two classes, one being phobias (fear of heights,
public speaking etc) which are more "irrational" fears, and the other being
events that provoke anxiety stemming from fear, uncertainty, and doubt (FUD)
which are very rational fears. The former are not really necessary to deal
with unless they negatively impact your quality of life (and they mostly just
get solved through desensitization via repeat exposure anyway); the latter are
absolutely worth dealing with proactively and logically.

Fundamentally, people are afraid of events associated with FUD because they
perceive that dealing with them will yield emotional trauma, failure, negative
social outcomes, or all of the above. Frequently this is based on past
negative outcomes in trying to deal with these problems or watching others
fail in trying to deal with these problems, so a defense mechanism gets built
up which tries to avoid the context all together via anxiety, procrastination,
or denial.

In my experience, almost all of my fears associated with FUD have
significantly negatively affected my quality of life, and contrary to my
emotional reactions and assumptions, I have dramatically improved my quality
of life by tackling them. These would include fears surrounding starting a
business; career changes; sexual desires; dating and relationships;
acknowledging health problems; conflict at work; and acknowledging psych
defects, biases, and inefficient models of thinking.

The way I tend to approach these problems is by logically deconstructing the
problem into it's component parts without emotion, finding best practice ways
of tackling each component, and trying to implement that methodology as to
give me the highest probability for success. I also find it helpful to enlist
close friends for emotional support and to see how they have dealt with
similar problems in the past. While I stumbled frequently with this technique
and did indeed experience short term unhappiness, in the long term I was able
to successfully deal with most of my major problems which made me
substantially happier.

------
SatvikBeri
It's related to schlep blindness:
[http://paulgraham.com/schlep.html](http://paulgraham.com/schlep.html)

When you're averse to something, you don't even tend to think of it as a
possibility, even when it would be the best solution to your current problems.

Anecdotally, I've found that doing a thing I'm afraid of dramatically expands
my mental universe of available options, which helps me get better in all
important facets of my life - business, dating, friendships, etc.

~~~
cryptozeus
oh perfect, thanks for sharing this. Haven't read this one

------
baldfat
My Story:

Scared of Snakes: Held snakes my at many different times. My older brother
even had a pet snake. My dad had a store he went to that had dozens of HUGE
pythons and I spent a while in there. I STILL HATE SNAKES

Scare of heights (Uncontrollable shakes): At 18 I decided to do roofing for
the summer. Climbed up and down ladders for 3 months. I still shake and it
didn't get worse.

Positive: I had the self-discipline to still do things that scare me.

Negative: I have no control over the things that still scare me. I can't make
them not scary.

~~~
hodl
So you must hate a certain board game.

------
analyst74
Take things in context, i.e. when faced with jumping off the airplane with or
without parachute, you definitely want to choose the safer option.

When people talk about choosing the harder path, it's normally around finding
your weakness and fix it, or at least be able to admit and be comfortable with
your shortcomings. Having too many insecurities make you mentally weak.

There is also greater sense of accomplishment after succeeding something hard.

On more practical side, every now and then, life presents you an easy choice
and a hard choice, like starting a new venture versus staying at a comfortable
job; cutting down on expenses to stay focused on school versus work more hours
on a menial job for better material comfort; follow others versus taking
charge. The harder choices normally have better rewards.

Again, take things in context, use your critical thinking to understand your
choices, don't just apply advises blindly.

------
wvenable
I took a teaching position on a whim and I was deathly afraid of public
speaking. The first 3 classes or so I just about had a panic attack before
each class. However by the end of the semester everything was running smooth
and I'm no longer afraid of public speaking in any context.

Overcoming irrational fears is a huge part of personal development.

~~~
cryptozeus
This is a great example, I am just trying to understand why this works and
what is scientifically behind this ?

~~~
ioddly
Exposure therapy is fairly well studied:
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exposure_therapy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exposure_therapy)

------
yesenadam
Well, you can either live controlled by your fears, obeying them, or stand up
to them 'like a boss' and overcome them one-by-one. No different to other
unjust, unfair would-be-controllers in life - bullies, bad parents, bad
political systems, sociopathic acquaintances etc etc. Cowering helplessly vs
'standing up' to the problem. Saying _no!_ takes courage, but there can be no
self-respect without it.

I'm not sure why this is puzzling for you; maybe you are imagining
important/useful fears like a pedestrian's fear of being hit by a car.

I don't remember hearing the "pick the harder solution" version before. But
Bob Brown (inspirational Australian environmentalist/politician) said "...if
ever you are faced with two options, choose the most adventurous." \- which
makes a lot of sense to me, and maybe is what they meant. Just doing the
harder option for no particular reason doesn't make a lot of sense.

~~~
cryptozeus
I am more interested in reason behind why this happens. I have also
experienced it my self but not sure why and if I should always go for the
things I fear most.

------
DoreenMichele
I am terrified of heights. It does not stop me from hiking up mountains et al.

I used to be terrified of spiders. Various things have helped me get over
that, including being a parent. Hunting down large spiders in spite of my fear
to protect my kids because that was my duty as a parent plus other parenting
experiences has put a stop to that phobia.

I don't actively seek opportunities to face my fears, but I don't shirk my
duties or let my fears stop me from having a life or accomplishing goals.
Because I'm not their bitch and will not be owned by them.

You can go after your goals or cower in the corner and let your fears unduly
limit you. I choose the former, not the latter.

That doesn't mean I won't avoid things I hate if I can. If there is an easy
out that doesn't have an objectionable downside I absolutely will take that.
It's a case by case judgement call as to what the best answer is.

------
zentiggr
I try to apply a visualization to fearful situations: I imagine that letting
the fear have control is riding an escalator down toward the worst possible
results, and there are points along the descent where I can step off to the
side by taking action, and therefore prevent the situation from deteriorating.

My even more powerful version of that is seeing that platform of 'took action'
is actually right there next to me every second and the moment I act I stop
descending to worse situations.

Helping quite a bit to train myself out of fear responses that I've had for
decades.

------
afarrell
"pick the solution that seems harder" genuinely seems dumb. But there are some
fears that you need to push through. For me, the things I'm most afraid of are
killing cyclists and writing.

Avoiding the first one is mostly a matter of which city you live in. Back when
I lived in Austin, beyond buying a wide-angle mirror and being attentive, I
just had to accept that if I wanted to get groceries, I would need to risk
killing a cyclist. Now that I live in London and can take public transport
everywhere, I can totally avoid that fear.

With writing, I often run into situations where to accomplish some goal I
really care about (getting a new job, applying to mentor kids, etc.) I need to
write as a means to that end. There are things I can do to make that _easier_
, but fundamentally I do need to bear the discomfort. I think this is what the
articles are actually getting at: when you have some irreducable and
unavoidable barrier in front of you, then you need to be able to say to
yourself "This is scary; This is uncomfortable; But this is necessary and
worth it and I am stronger than I think."

------
billwear
This is an example of binary thinking prevalent in self-help books. The
scientific reason is, IMNSHO, trying to sell books with simple, easy-to-follow
logic, which is irresistible when you're in a dilemma. But it is only a good
idea when the consequences of the fear are not so great that you cannot
quickly recover.

Are you afraid of being homeless and destitute? Good. That is a good fear to
have, and you shouldn't "make it happen." Afraid of jumping off a four-story
building? Likewise, good. Afraid of bungee-jumping? That one's questionable,
but still not a bad fear. Afraid of asking for a date? Okay, you need to do
that one a little so you get over it. Short answer? It depends on the fear and
the consequences of failure.

I usually do the thing I am afraid of _if my fear seems irrational_. I have
had good success with this: about 70% of the time, I overcome the irrational
fear, about 30% of the time, I am still just as afraid later. If my fear is
healthy, I leave it alone. So far, I have also had good success with this.

------
rokhayakebe
_Why do the things you are most afraid of?.... pick the solution that seems
harder_

"Because there is no growth in comfort."

~~~
cryptozeus
but why ? Why can't the brain be trained to look at options logically and do
it from the comfort zone.

~~~
wvenable
You can't use logic to change your mind about something that isn't logical in
the first place. If you have irrational fears, and we all do, the only way to
train yourself out of them is to do the thing that fears you and have nothing
bad happen. Eventually the stimulus providing the fear will have less effect.

------
ebbv
It's an obviously over simple answer to a complex issue. But fear can cloud
our judgment, so try to think about things rationally and decide if it might
be worth taking the leap on a case by case basis.

That doesn't sound as catchy as the fortune cookie version, but it's better
advice IMHO.

~~~
cryptozeus
Interesting so fear could be clouding something that you should be doing in
the first place. I wonder if this can be put in scientific term.

------
keyboardhitter
It isn't the only reason, but during my struggle with depression I find it
easier to confront things I'm scared of as part of feeling numb. sometimes it
helps to feel _something_ rather than nothing at all. coupled with the ideals
of "nothing really matters anyways", I've tried to make my apathy useful. I
have made progress with my emotions by forcing myself outside of my comfort
zone.

------
JSeymourATL
Brendon Burchard: Fear gets too much airplay ... >
[https://play.google.com/music/m/Dotrmsjppn2lfmpf7t3llzfd22m?...](https://play.google.com/music/m/Dotrmsjppn2lfmpf7t3llzfd22m?t=How_to_Overcome_Fear-
THE_BRENDON_SHOW)

------
taw-an
Once you do it you'll realize there was nothing to be afraid of in the first
place.

~~~
maxxxxx
You may also find out that there was good reason to be afraid.

~~~
DiffEq
And then you will be able to base future decisions on fact instead of
fear...of course this only works so far. There are obviously some things you
really SHOULD be afraid of.

~~~
maxxxxx
I am just starting to get annoyed by the typical self help advice like "Take
risks", "Do what you fear the most". There are people who succeed that way but
for plenty of people it doesn't work not so well. Unfortunately you only hear
from the former group.

------
tranchms
Living organisms have an innate aversion to death. In humans, this fear is
partly rooted in a biological basis of the preservation of the body. Even
moreso, it is a fear rooted in the death of the ego, the sense of self. Ego
anhillation prevents an even more compelling aversion. Ego is the self.
Rejection, failure, shame, or anything that would undermine the integrity of
the ego, which not only establishes our self worth and self identify of who we
are and what we are capable of, it establishes our self in relation to a
social world that affirms the value of our self. The ego orients and
contextualizes our place in the world, and allows us to intelligently navigate
society in a meaningful way, that allows for self preservation.

The only way to grow, to expand your capabilities, is to go beyond your
limitations.

Going beyond limitations, into the unknown, into a situation where we lack
knowledge and understanding, places you into a place of uncertainty, of
metaphorical darkness and chaos.

The only way to illuminate the place beyond and make it know is to go there.
This is terrifying, because it involves risk.

You must overcome your ego, which orders the way in which we see the world,
and evaluate possibilities that will aid in our survival.

In order to grow, and attain mastery, the ego must collapse, and with it all
the ideas of what is possible or impossible, knowable and unknowable.

The ego beyond itself in order to expand into something greater.

You cannot grab hold of the new when you are holding onto the old.

Letting go of the “old” means letting go of everything you thought you new, in
order to embrace new experiences that instruct us toward something greater
than what we were.

Struggle is essential for personal growth.

Struggle is pain, and pain is a primitive instinct that is always to be
avoided.

But if it doesn’t challenge you, it cannot change you.

Most fear is rational according to the prevailing ego who is fearful.

But it underestimates its potential to adapt to the unknown.

Change occurs due to inspiration or desperation.

Evolution requires change.

Sometimes you get to pick your challenges. Sometimes you don’t.

But the only way to adapt and gain strength to overcome obstacles that are
perceived to be impossible or insurmountable is to confront that fear and do
it anyway.

Once you have courage to step into the darkness, you illuminate it, and
embrace and figure out whatever you were unprepared to encounter. This
process, while sometimes easy, is most of the time uncomfortable, and
challenging.

By persistenting, and making the unknown known, our ego can become stronger,
and more adept at handling difficulties.

~~~
cryptozeus
these are great points , thanks for detail explanation but you are just
describing one should do it because this is what everyone says. I am trying to
understand why it works and what happens behind the scene.

------
hprotagonist
If your comfort zone isn't expanding, it's contracting.

