
Stop Complaining in February - tblancpain
http://complaintrestraint.com
======
makmanalp
This is pretty great - not complaining is a virtue I really admire. I had a
friend in college, he was an outdoorsy type, and did forest firefighting in
the summers. When we went on long hikes, we'd all be griping towards the end
about how cold it was, how tired we were, how we should have not forgotten to
bring X Y and Z - except him. He'd just start singing or taking the lead, and
then we'd realize that he's actually in the same situation as all of us, and
he'd given one of his layers to someone or something. Not annoyingly chipper,
but just not complaining and doing what is necessary.

What I noticed is that not griping not only drastically improves your mood, it
also improves everyone else's mood.

There are two kinds of gripes - ones that can actually effect change, and ones
that can't. The latter seems to be the useless majority of gripes for me.
Especially self-pity complaints seem to be the most egregious.

Not complaining doesn't equate to being hard on yourself or being a rah-rah
aggressive and stereotypically masculine human being. It's just that if you're
in a situation, and you can't change anything, then complaining just makes you
feel bad and makes the situation feel worse. It encourages you to put things
off, to make them bigger and more difficult than they seem.

And if you actually can change the situation you're in, then power to you, but
go ahead and do something about it rather than /just/ complaining. Or maybe
complain /to/ someone who can and will change things.

~~~
steveax
I think the outdoors can be a great teacher - I know it has been for me about
things like this.

Many years ago a friend and I went to Yosemite to do a climb on Half Dome. Day
one we were humping up to Little Yosemite Valley. It was a hot day and we were
starting to grouse about the heat and elevation gain. As we rounded a
switchback we were greeted by an enthusiastic "Good morning. Beautiful day
isn't it!". Our greeter was wearing an enormous pack and was navigating the
trail with crutches and leg braces. After chatting a bit, we carried on and
vowed to not complain for the rest of the trip. Day 3 we were heading down to
the Valley after completing the climb on the mist trail. It was a high
snowpack year and the falls were thundering and true to the trail's name,
blowing mist everywhere. We stripped down to shorts and no shirts and were
reveling in the feeling of the mist and sun when we encountered a couple
heading up the trail. They were in full boating rain gear and as we passed
them I heard one say in a weepy voice "this is so horrible!".

The lesson that stuck with me from that weekend: your conditions do not
necessarily determine your experience.

------
munificent
True story time! When I was in my early twenties, I went through a bad
breakup. I was profoundly unhappy, and, even before the breakup, had a pretty
negative opinion of, well, everything. My nickname when I was in high school
was The Cynic. I got that nickname from _my teachers_.

The break-up forced me to do a bunch of soul searching. I was talking to a
friend at the time, and she told me (in a kind way) that she thought of me as
a sarcastic, negative person. I was always looking for something bad to say
about the situation.

That wasn't ever how I wanted to appear to people, and I resolved to fix it. I
didn't know how to change my actual personality, so I came up with a simpler
rule: I just wouldn't _vocalize_ negativity. Instead of opening my mouth and
saying something bitter or cynical, I'd keep it shut.

The next couple of weeks were actually pretty rough. All of my normal
conversational habits got broken and I ended up in a lot more awkward
silences.

Then a funny thing happened. Those awkward moments incentivized me to start
coming up with positive things to say. I really wanted to be able to hold
normal conversations again, so I needed to build up a stock of good
observations to fill those silences with. So, throughout the day, I found
myself looking for good observations I could use later.

And, lo and behold, once I started looking for the good in the world, I found
it damn near everywhere. And once I started realizing how much good there was
all around me, I started feeling better. Then I discovered people around me
started feeling better too, because now I was someone who brightened their day
instead of souring it.

Of course, I'm not saying I _never_ complain. Sometimes when you're suffering,
the most important thing to do is to let people know. And being more positive
is a lot easier for me because I've had a pretty amazingly lucky life so far.

But this has had a huge long term impact on my quality of life and to some
degree the lives of those around me. And all I really did was stop
complaining.

------
jdreaver
I see a lot of people taking interest in this idea. For a more nuanced and
holistic approach to "not worrying about things you cannot change," I would
check out Stoicism:

[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stoicism](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stoicism)

The best intro book, in my opinion, is William B Irvine's "A Guide to the Good
Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy".

The main problem I find with simply "Stop Complaining," is how do you do it?
What should you and should you not stop complaining about? Do you shut out
your feelings about the offending topic, or do you internalize the annoyance
and move on? These questions are generally addressed by the Stoics, but I can
easily see someone trying to just stop complaining and getting frustrated.

~~~
Kenji
For people interested in Stoicism, I can recommend the book Meditations by
Marcus Aurelius. There are a couple of very accessible English translations
(the original text must be in Latin). The book is basically a collection of
many thoughts that are roughly one sentence to a page long and self-contained.
So you can read it any way you like, in any order. There are some really
inspiring thoughts in the book, though some of them might be difficult to
relate to since things have changed quite a bit in almost 2000 years.

~~~
makmanalp
I'm actually going through this book right now, and I like it a lot. Sometimes
you need to dig a bit deeper and cross-confirm with examples from your life to
get something meaningful out of it. I can't agree with everything the stoics
thought, especially Marcus Aurelius was sometimes contradictory in his own
beliefs, and also with the actual stoics - sometimes he leaned epicurean. In
any case though, it's difficult to not agree with his very sound observations
of humans and human nature that continues to be valid today.

I also picked this book up once before, the project gutenberg version, and I
stopped reading after a chapter, because the language was kind of impenetrable
and I found myself spending more time decoding what was being conveyed than
actually thinking. Then I found the Hays translation (with the red raven on
the cover), and I love it now. He prefers clean prose over conveying the
original verbiage, which can be convoluted. Of course, there is a certain
amount of interpretation in the hands of the translator that comes with that,
but I don't think it's enough of a big deal in this case. If you really think
this impacts the meaning, you can reread passages in another edition
simultaneously. I recommend it, it's not as expensive, and it's a dollar if
you get it used.

------
jarcane
I did something like this once. I can't say as it made any difference, to be
honest, and I can't really recommend it. This is what I wrote after the turn
was done:

 _Finally, some of you may remember that late last year I pledged to disavow
online negativity until the end of 2013. I would like to say I was successful
in that, but in truth I did slip up on IRC a time or two, for which I
apologized to those present. A promise is a promise though, and so I must
confess that in the end, the experiment was kind of a failure. What I learned
is that real life is not as simple as just trying to 'turn off' the
negativity, and that shutting down the valve when the tank is already at
pressure is not the best idea. Mostly what I've felt since I realized my self-
imposed ban was over was relief. I've learned that expressing negative emotion
is as important as expressing positive emotion, it's just a question of how,
when, and to whom. So perhaps the real lesson is just learning a bit of self-
control and understanding context, and the difference between healthy release
and just meanness. Hopefully I know that a little better now. Time will tell._

------
PaulHoule
It is said very well in the Serenity Prayer of Alcoholics Anonymous:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage
to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.

~~~
archildress
I have found the last part to be the most difficult to discern.

~~~
beobab
I find the second part the hardest. I suspect that another might find the
first the hardest. Which one probably reveals something fundamental about our
character. :)

~~~
PaulHoule
Well, it is a difficult enough problem that one might wish to appeal to a
"higher power"

------
skrebbel
I'm in!

That said, I find it hard to hold on to a negative thought ("don't do X, don't
think Y"), so I decided to apply the reverse: I'm going to be happy about the
amazing things I have access to in February.

I mean, think about it. Running water! Isn't that _amazing_?

And think about wifi on airplanes. In the air! Flying! Chatroulette on air!
Even on economy class!

~~~
squeaky-clean
I wonder how those "find local girls" advertisements appear when you're on a
plane. Or tinder.

I love it when people do things like this, and always try to point out the
cool things we take for granted, living in the USA in 2015 (or wherever anyone
else may be where you have access to HN). Every time someone plays Spotify on
their phone through a portable bluetooth speaker, I geek out a little
imagining all the steps necessary to make such a seemingly minor thing happen.

------
tblancpain
I started this together with my friend Pieter. Happy to answer any questions
you may have. Join us!

------
yyhhsj0521
Oh the website hurts my eye :-(

~~~
bloke_zero
It hurts my brain. I'm not going to complain about it though.

------
shogun21
The website is designed to be a jarring shade of orange. You'll notice it's
something you want to complain about, then stop yourself.

~~~
tblancpain
As a designer, that’s one my life’s goals.

------
squeaky-clean
I like this. I try to complain minimally, but I've shared this with some
friends and we're going to do it together. I want to take my minimal
complaining down to zero. It's just a bad habit that I think has no benefit.

I try not to complain because who cares? All it does it make me dwell on
whatever is upsetting me, and no one around you wants to hear it, even if
they're courteous and listen. If I'm having a bad day, why would I make my
friend's day worse by having to listen to me vent about it? Who wants to swipe
through Facebook and read about my neighbor's crying baby? Instead I'll put on
some headphones and post a link to whichever album I'm listening to in order
to cover it up.

------
forgottenpass
Venting is called _vent_ ing for a reason. There is no "secret sauce" to
stopping, but there do exist plenty of techniques for stress management that
aren't venting. "Simply stop complaining" can even be a more dangerous coping
mechanism than unrestrained venting.

Edit: Maybe I wasn't very clear - I'm not saying venting is a good idea, I'm
fairly sure it's considered maladaptive coping (but don't care to look that up
this early in the morning). I'm trying to express that it's still a coping
mechanism and "simply stop complaining" is wholly inadequacy advice to someone
who doesn't have a strong coping strategy in their life.

~~~
marcandre
[citation needed]. It is a myth that one need or even should "let go" of their
negative emotions. Instead, that reinforces the propensity to feel that
emotion more strongly the next time. Rad "Emotional intelligence" (1st chapter
IIRC) by Goleman for a better explanation and scientific references.

------
scj
As a Canadian, it would be socially unacceptable not to complain about the
weather in February. It is a common topic of small talk. Less so in the
summer, as the common retort to weather complaints is that "at least it isn't
snowing".

The example of rain is given, and I wouldn't be complaining about rain. I just
got back from London (UK, not Ontario), where locals couldn't seem to
understand that I wasn't being polite, that I genuinely enjoyed their weather
compared to home. Being able to walk somewhere for 10 minutes without any
exposed skin becoming numb in late January was lovely.

------
stared
With one kvetch (last for this Feb?): "the missed bus, the rainy weekend, the
crying baby next door" are small and current annoyances - and I have no
trouble not complaining about them. But when it comes to missed life
opportunities, wrong life choices (and anything having many-year long profound
and irreversible effect on one's life) or about things broken with the world -
it's much harder (at least - for me).

------
francasso
That is a great idea, you should all do it. Hearing you complaining time and
time again gets boring quickly

------
marknutter
I predict there will be a lot of comments in this thread complaining about
this website.

------
Aoyagi
The thing is, where do we draw the line in "things we cannot change"? Are we
supposed to stop complaining about design decisions of some software? About
corrupt politics? The noisy neighbour?

~~~
peterwwillis
Here's some guidelines to know if you should complain:

\- If you heard someone else complaining about this, would it make you feel
good?

\- Will anyone else care?

\- Does this need to be said? By me? Right now?

\- Is this complaint creating positive change?

\- Can I rephrase my complaint to address the issue positively?

Ideally, none of the things you listed should be complained about. Just
stating your annoyance at a situation doesn't do anyone any good, and it's
likely everyone else already knows about it, or doesn't care. Instead, try to
address the problem at hand with a solution, or accept that you can't address
it and move on.

~~~
Aoyagi
Based on those guidelines, people wouldn't complain at all except few cases of
complaining directly to the source of the subject at hand. It feels to me like
something between promoting apathy and this: [http://markmanson.net/not-
giving-a-fuck](http://markmanson.net/not-giving-a-fuck)

~~~
peterwwillis
Most of the examples of complaints I can think of are situations we want to
change but don't know how to, or don't want to face, or can't. So complaining
becomes a really useless negative activity; in many ways it's counter-
productive.

I've become an opponent of the phrase and mentality of "not giving a fuck". I
would rather give a fuck, in a kind, compassionate way.

And yes, I think most people shouldn't complain, but if there is a complaint,
it should definitely be to the source of the subject. Complaining to others is
avoidance behavior. "Venting" can be useful sometimes, but without analyzing
what the problem is, why it made you upset and how you can address it
positively, it's useless.

And i'm definitely not promoting apathy. I'm promoting addressing and
resolving conflict. Complaints tend to not be compassionate, caring or
empathetic. We should be more of all of that.

------
normloman
You people are smothering me with your cheeriness and positive thinking. Some
of us LIKE to complain about things we can't change. Get a sense of humor.

------
notsosmart
No, it's about things we can't change: "What we want to get rid of in February
is venting about things we can’t change."

------
jeltz
Has there been any research on this topic? About why we complain about what we
cannot change and if it serves any purpose?

~~~
Retra
I enjoy complaining. It's one of my favorite hobbies. I don't know why
everyone has to be so negative about it... People should just join in on the
fun!

~~~
andrey-g
I too, for example, love complaining, but I try not to do it at least for the
reason that I never had a moment where I enjoyed hearing someone complain and
I assume everyone feels the same way about others' complaints.

------
Tharkun
What a load of crock. Venting about things I can't change keeps me sane.
Screaming at the raging ocean.

~~~
Delmania
The funny thing about venting is that it doesn't work; in fact, research
indicates that it makes you more aggressive over time. The pseudo psychologist
in me suspects that by venting, you're reliving the event, and reviving those
emotions, but in such a manner that you're forcing yourself down the rabbit
hole, since when you vent, it's from your perspective. When it comes to things
you can't change, you simply have to accept them and move on. Why would you
waste emotional (and by extent physical) energy on these things?

~~~
peterwwillis
I agree that venting is probably about re-enacting the event, but with a
particular purpose: to change the past. By addressing your complaints to an
invisible mute adversary, you get to tell off the subject of your ire and feel
confident that they can't fight back, and validate your own feelings.

The closest thing I could relate it to is domestic violence. When a man comes
home from a frustrating day of work and beats his wife and kids, he's not just
fulfilling a sadistic desire. He's projecting his work troubles on his family,
and by assaulting them, righting the perceived wrongs he suffered. Venting is,
imho, a version of this, but without the intent to harm.

~~~
Delmania
Yes, I think I can agree with the idea the goal is to change the past.
However, this just further leads you down the rabbit hole, since now in
addition to being angry about the event, you're also angry about your
inability to change it.

------
Chinjut
"Complaining is great."

Such integrity! Even on this issue, they stick to their non-complaining
principle!

------
thissideup
As my old army buddy would say, "Stop bitching, start pitching."

------
chris_wot
What, if a company gives me a faulty product and won't repair it or refund it
I can't complain to them? If Congress/Parliament does something absurd we
can't contact our MPs/Congressmen?

It's a nice idea, but I don't think this will fly.

~~~
tblancpain
I don’t want to write out rules or codify behavior with this, so I never wrote
this out, but: of course you can still critique things.

I’m a designer, my work consists of giving people critique and telling them
what’s wrong with their work, and how to make it better. I couldn’t survive
half a day without this.

What this month is about, for me, is getting rid of useless negativity in my
life. And that comes from complaining, to a large degree. If you want to tell
your congrassman he’s wrong, go for it. If you want to call a company and ask
them to repair your product, do it. But stop complaining to your colleagues
about the rainy Saturday, and instead tell them about the sunny Sunday that
you shared with your friends.

~~~
chris_wot
Ok, I've probably misunderstood you then... I'm all for what you are saying
there :-) but why limit that to February?

~~~
tblancpain
I found that the benefits – a more well-moderated use of complaining in
everyday life – stay with me all year, so I do it steadfast for one month and
then am a bit less aware, and probably a bit more lax overall, about my
complaining.

------
mosselman
For such a positive website, why choose red as a background color?

------
owly
If you must complain, do it silently. :)

~~~
ncarroll
Yep. "If you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

If I had a dollar for every time I heard my mother say that I could pay
someone to listen to me complain.

