Ask HN: Is it normal to have enemies? - pedrodelfino
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paulrpotts
I think in general, healthy adults should not and usually do not have people
they would genuinely describe as "enemies."

I have a couple of exes that, if I see them in public somewhere, make me feel
just a bit awkward... our conversations are brief and awkward. But I don't
hate them, by any stretch of the imagination.

There are some former bosses and co-workers where things weren't good, they
didn't end well, because of a layoff or bad politics in a work situation or
being ignored or "thrown under a bus," but again, I wouldn't call it hate.
They aren't my enemies. They are just people I'd be very hesitant to want to
work with again, or to recommend that anyone work for, or with (although even
though I don't think people really change that much, I always try to give
people the benefit of the doubt; maybe they are better at it now? I know I
am.)

There are politicians I would not shake hands with or sit down to a meal with;
people I think should be prosecuted, for their war crimes or corruption. But
they aren't my _personal_ enemies.

So... no?

I know there are some people out there who are just really toxic, and will
make _you_ their target, or enemy, sometimes for ideological reasons, or toxic
family history, or one bad incident when they "flipped a switch" on you and
never reconsidered, but I feel like that is their issue, not mine.

~~~
meric
>> They are just people I'd be very hesitant to want to work with again

If one day such a person calls you up and ask you out for a coffee, to talk
about things, and it's clear they want to clear things up with you, would you
go?

~~~
paulrpotts
Yes -- and actually, that's happened.

------
mod
I think so, depending on how you define the word.

If it includes "intense dislike," I think most people have those. Exes who
cheated on them, friends who did terrible things, etc.

If it means "people you'd go out of your way to cause harm to," then it's
probably not as common, but certainly it's not unheard of. My brother has been
attacked by 3 men, and harassed by a sheriff (separate incidents) for dating
the wrong woman--I imagine things like that are pretty common, though I don't
have any in my own personal history.

~~~
insoluble
> people you'd go out of your way to cause harm to

It should also be pointed out that there are two different directions here. Is
an "enemy" someone you would harm, is an enemy someone who would harm you, or
must the desire go in both directions? Moreover, in what tense does the
problem take place? Perhaps someone harmed you in the past but is no longer
trying to harm you. Is that still an enemy? What about someone who is
conspiring to harm you, but you don't yet know about the danger. Is that an
enemy yet? Another detail to consider is whether a mere competitor, for
example an opposing sports team, is an "enemy". The case of intense dislike
also possesses some of these specifics.

Edit: Another very important consideration is those who, while not actually
trying to harm you, do so indirectly by exploiting you or otherwise trying to
control you for their benefit. For example, is a slave owner the enemy of his
slaves? If so, then anyone trying to use you without proper concern for your
well-being could be considered an enemy.

~~~
mod
I think you don't have consider a person an enemy just because they consider
you one. So in the case of someone you don't know is conspiring against you, I
would say of course they're not your enemy--that's something you have to
decide. An outside observer could say they were your enemy, if they were
privvy to more information.

I don't think an otherwise ambivalent slave owner is the enemy of his slaves.
Oppressor or something, yes--but not enemy. Some slave holders were certainly
the enemies of their slaves, though.

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kafkaesq
Sadly, yes. Aside from the mathematical inevitabilities of (large-scale)
misunderstandings in human communication, many people seem to have an inner
drive which feeds of conflict, and the (perceived) sense of purpose derived
from being at loggerheads with others.

Plus that we seem to have been engineered (through evolution) to co-operate
most of the time but at other times to split into opposing camps, let violence
"solve" the issue, then forget about it and move on, etc.

You might say its how we roll.

~~~
pedrodelfino
This biological approach makes a lot of sense. I haven't thought about this
problem in these terms yet.

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shaftway
I have an enemy. I define that as someone I would go (and have gone) out of my
way to harm, but not significantly out of my way, nor harm to the point that
legal action could be taken against me.

In my case it's an ex-coworker. He's directly responsible for the worst period
of my life. The twisted part is that he has no idea how I feel, which makes
retribution more satisfying for me; he has no idea where it's coming from.
Only my wife knows how I feel about him.

Generally I don't even think about the fact he exists. It's more of a
background thing, when the opportunity presents itself (once every few years),
I act.

Is it healthy? Probably not. But it's also not like I spend my time designing
schemes to get back at him. Is it normal? Also probably not. But I kinda like
having this secret.

~~~
ogsharkman
Maybe you should to talk to him about it? I feel like you need catharsis to
move past it/him.

~~~
ericzawo
Agreed. You should plan a method of communication that would both 1) let him
know what he means to you 2) let you become at peace with his existence both
real and perceived.

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accountatwork
I don't have enemies, but I've made enemies. In both cases, I said something
that accidentally publicly embarrassed them, and it seems to have enraged them
for life.

They both appear to be angry, unhappy, people much of the time, and I see no
reason to return the favor and become unhappy in that particular way myself.

------
davismwfl
I think the answer is you don't get to choose. You cannot choose whether
someone thinks of you as an enemy or not. You can choose whether you think of
someone as an enemy but not the other way around. I would also say the more
introspective you are, and the more you can see other peoples point of view
means the less likelihood you will ever call someone your enemy even if they
have done you harm at one point.

Is it normal? I think it is normal that if you stand up for anything there
will be someone on the other side of the argument standing up just as hard the
opposite way. Does this mean they are your enemy? Not in my opinion, but some
might characterize it that way. If you make the burden a little less
aggressive like you mentioned and say "intense dislike", versus enemy, then I
think the number and likelihood goes up considerably, but again the
introspective person likely has considerably less people they would intensely
dislike.

And in general, with time most "enemies" become less so unless they continue
to do you harm or cause you pain. e.g. most of the time you might intensively
dislike your ex-wife/husband and it may even go on for a year or a little
more, but every month or so it gets a little less etc. The times when it
doesn't are usually because the pain is continuing, e.g. you don't cut things
off, someone lets a debt go into credit ruining territory 6 months later etc.

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ZeroFries
I've had temporary enemies. People trying to break up relationships I'm in,
for example. People lying and stealing from me. As soon as I cut them from my
life (which is almost always the best solution), I try to forget about them
and move on.

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trixiehater
It's natural to have some semblance of enemies, who I define as just someone I
don't like and avoid. I have an enemy at work, and even externalized my
thoughts via a short story which is excerpted below. Sure, I'm probably crazy,
whatever. It's what I'm thinking though would never physically hurt anyone
etc. Disclaimer Dissedbanger blah blah

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Trixie is annoying. A product of McNaggity's Orchestral Legacy. "I get what I
want because I'm an overly-privileged c __* who wafts her verbiage with every
shift of her wide-a __-arrogance. " An arrogant b __ _h who is 10X louder than
she should be visible.

To her co-workers, she is Over-the-Top, outstandingly Jump-out, Smack-Dab
Personality-Driven.

Even her cheeks are Ruddy Apples, a holdover from a Norman Rockwell/John Wayne
Gacy Clown Painting Gone-Wrong. A typical Do-Goody B_ __h, Psycopathic
Tendencies of course, a given.

Honestly, Frank (the truth) just wished she were quieter, like not having to
hear her loudlaugh-borderline-barkpant b __ _h bwo-mo-curlie-Annie, Tomorrow-
Tomorrow "Holler-Hybrid". No b_ __h, not everyone in the office really wants
to hear about your disgusting ugly-toddler version of yourself adapting to
diapers. Like seriously, it 's insulting to listen to your toddleress' sh __
_ing.

If the Aenima were true, Frank (the truth) thought, internally he must have
long ago beat this archetype-b_ __h over the head with a brick and threw her
to the wolves only to later beat an elephant to death while shouting her good
riddance.

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ASmith__
Yes it is normal if you are not a sheeple, if you don't live your life looking
almost entirely at your feet and the tiny patch of dirt at your feet to have
enemies that despise your expressions, your cloths, your apartment or home,
your new cell phone, smart device, girl friend, spouse, job, salary, work
ethic, ethics, morality, diction, weight, height, hair color, skin color,
smile, eye color, hair or lack of hair, your health, your stamina, your work
out ethics, the way you smell, your attractiveness.

These and many more automatically set off those who feel you are better or
offensive without you taking any active role whatsoever.

Jealousy, Greed, Corruption whatever the reason or category this happens to
everyone that is not a sheeple born in a bubble who look at nothing and nobody
but their own feet and the tiny patch of dirt at their feet.

Is it normal to have enemy’s, for non-sheeple its a given that you do, overtly
and covertly (known and spoken as well as unknown and unspoken-hidden
enemy’s). The deniers simply lack the cognitive functioning to realize it and
a weak mental and physical state to cope with themselves accepting that as a
'fact'.

~~~
monknomo
This reads like unhinged paranoid performance art

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trumbitta2
I have one, maybe a couple more. They chose me, I didn't chose them.

And no, it's not normal. But it might happen to you like it happened to me.

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debacle
Certain people will have a lot of enemies (right or wrong), most people may
have one or two. I might be concerned if I had none.

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santaclause33
I certainly have a person or two I would prefer to be erased from existence.
People who have hurt the people I love, etc.

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m0llusk
Yes. Some misunderstanding causes offense, then future interactions are
tainted by what is called motivated observation. Emotions can come into play
in many different ways and lend power to this bias driven social tarpit.
Reeling out distance as a buffer may help.

