
Ask HN: What do you wish you had known before you turned 40? - cup
So I&#x27;ve noticed a few posts over time where users have asked similiar questions but at younger age brackets (18, 20, 25 mainly).<p>I&#x27;m slightly more interested in further down the road. I know HNs user base might be skewed to the younger crowd but I&#x27;m sure there are a number of 40+ year olds who can impart their wisdom.<p>Thanks.
======
lkesteloot
Practice is the key to getting better at everything. Ignore the concept of
innate talent or gift. People who are good are good because they spent a lot
of time practicing.

People who practice a lot usually do so because they’re interested in it. It’s
not hard or homework for them. If there’s a gift, it’s the gift of interest.

Artists copy a lot. They don’t come up with stuff clear out of their heads.
They look at a lot of things, keep a lot of references, and blend ideas
together.

Most people who are famous are so not because they’re good, but because
they’ve worked hard to become famous. It was important to them, so they did
what it took to become famous. Being good at something is a small part of
that, small enough that famous people aren’t usually all that good. Their time
was better spent becoming famous. (This is the biggest lesson from this list.
It basically implies that you can ignore people who have blogs and podcasts.
Seek out the unknown experts in your field.)

Don’t make decisions based on money. Don’t stay at a job because the shares
might be worth something, or because the company might get acquired. These
things rarely happen and you can’t get your time back.

Everyone is totally winging it all the time. Confident people are just better
at hiding it.

~~~
SilasX
>Everyone is totally winging it all the time. Confident people are just better
at hiding it.

So skyscrapers and jumbo jets are built on guesswork, despite all the things
that can go wrong in their design and construction?

I wish people would be more precise about what is meant by this, since it
seems trivially false when taken literally.

~~~
jdietrich
We figured out how to build good skyscrapers and jets by building lots of bad
ones and studying the failures. We stopped building skyscrapers that collapse
and jets that fall out of the sky by amassing _institutional_ knowledge, not
individual knowledge. We developed processes and methodologies that prevent
major blunders from making it into the final design, and mitigate the impact
of minor ones.

If some element of guesswork wasn't involved, we wouldn't need massive safety
factors, because we'd know exactly how strong and stiff to make things. If
engineers could be trusted to avoid disaster purely through their own skill
and expertise, then we wouldn't need building codes and inspections, we
wouldn't need FAA regulations and the NTSB.

~~~
SilasX
"Some element of guesswork" != "just winging it"

If 99% of the job is applying well-understood techniques to well-trod problems
you have an intimate domain understanding of, and 1% is judgment calls you
can't rigorously justify, that's not "winging it".

What I think is going on is that people think back to their work, only
remember the 1%, and then casually conclude that "aw, heck, the whole thing is
just judgment calls", which doesn't follow at all.

Many projects crucially depend on someone having that deep understanding, and
their success proves that at least one person (and probably a lot more) aren't
winging it. If people would just operationalize what this nugget of wisdom is
supposed to mean, I think we'd find a lot more disagreement on what it means,
or a much less surprising insight.

~~~
avn2109
hmmm, sounds like a job for J.E. Amrhein (speaking about structural
engineering, but broadly applicable to many engineering disciplines):

 _" Structural engineering is the art of molding materials we don't wholly
understand, into shapes we can't fully analyze, so as to withstand forces we
can't really assess, in such a way that the community at large has no reason
to suspect the extent of our ignorance."_

~~~
SilasX
Again, "not _fully /wholly_ understanding" != "lol just winging it".

If the New York City skyline is "just winging it", then it should no longer be
reassuring to tell someone that "lol don worry we're winging it too".

------
michaelpinto
Something to keep in mind:

I turned 40 in the year 2005, but my life experience was someone different
than my father who turned 40 in the year 1982, and I suspect that if someone
was 20 today that their life experience looking back will be a bit different
in the year 2035.

Yes I can give you all of the cliches from "enjoy your hair while you have it"
to "i wish i put aside more in my IRA". But aside from that the lessons in
your life could be different than mine.

For my father's generation (the silent generation) the path to success was a
steady union job or say becoming a professional like a lawyer. However for my
generation (gen x) union jobs didn't exist and many of my friends who became
lawyers are doing quite badly.

So I would say that to take the advice of anyone over 40 with a grain of salt
as your results may not be the same. Common assumptions of the path of success
of today could be badly placed bets.

For example even though I was a hardcore Apple fanboy if you told me to load
up on Apple stock in 1996 I would have thought that you were crazy. Also if
you told me in the 80s that Japan would face a lost decade in the 90s followed
by being in the shadow of China i would have thought that you were crazy.

~~~
PublicEnemy111
>For my father's generation (the silent generation) the path to success was a
steady union job or say becoming a professional like a lawyer. However for my
generation (gen x) union jobs didn't exist and many of my friends who became
lawyers are doing quite badly.

I wish I could up vote this more than once. the past two decades have taught
us that there is no such thing as a safe job or a risk free investment

~~~
AndrewKemendo
_the past two decades have taught us that there is no such thing as a safe job
or a risk free investment_

This conclusion is what has driven me to just jump in head first to doing my
own thing. I think a lot of people are searching for something "stable" and
I'm not sure that really exists anymore if it ever really did.

------
narrator
1\. Realize that reading political/world news probably won't have any direct
impact on your life. Don't watch TV news. Instead, spend time diving very deep
into a particular subject areas by reading books about these areas and trying
to answer your own specific questions.

2\. Find something useful to do with your commute (e.g audio books) or
eliminate it. This could be a large part of your life and it adds up.

3\. Marry the right person. Don't marry too young.

4\. Fix your chronic health problems.

5\. Understand and study nutrition.

6\. Build relationships. This takes time.

7\. Make things happen. Create things that weren't there before that other
people participate in. Practice planning things in advance and executing on
them.

8\. Learn what you can from your parents before they go senile.

9\. Have some sort of passion besides your job and passive entertainment. You
will become a far more interesting person and attract interesting people.

10\. Do not undercharge for your labor. Live well below your means. Don't work
for or with jerks.

11\. If something isn't working in your life, change something, measure and
retry. Iterate. This is basically applying lean principals to everything.
Don't get stuck with "good enough" and then it's a year later.

~~~
lgieron
> 1\. Realize that reading political/world news probably won't have any direct
> impact on your life. Don't watch TV news. Instead, spend time diving very
> deep into a particular subject areas by reading books about these areas and
> trying to answer your own specific questions.

While following this advice might make an individual happier, if most people
followed it, we'd gradually become slaves to the ruling class which would
happily exploit us without us noticing or willing to do anything about it.

~~~
narrator
I think most of the "news" is slanted to get people to do or think things.
It's only in lesser visited corners of knowledge wrapped up in books or
specialized study that the persuasion background noise dies down and real
understanding is easier to piece together.

I avoid a lot of mass media (e.g TV) because if I absorb and process the same
information everyone else does I'll think thoughts that are similar to
everyone else. I guess that's good and bad. It's helpful to at least be aware
of what everyone else is thinking.

------
gmays
\- Learn to say "I'm sorry."

\- In arguments being right isn't as important as being happy.

\- Be nice, especially to people who can't do anything for you.

\- Be grateful.

\- Figure out what you want in this life and go for it, it's the only one you
get.

\- Do as much for your body as you do for your mind (i.e. workout, eat well).

\- Learn to manage money.

\- Stop doing stupid shit (you know what I'm talking about).

\- Make decisions using the regret minimization framework. What would you
regret NOT doing the most? Do that.

\- Invest in yourself. You can lose everything, but you'll always have this.

\- Don't watch the news.

\- Don't be an asshole.

\- Do be happy, you deserve it.

It's ok, we're works in progress.

~~~
hackuser
> Make decisions using the regret minimization framework. What would you
> regret NOT doing the most? Do that.

It's not a bad question to ask for considering different angles, but I
disagree that it should have much influence. It discourages risk-taking.

I know it's a popular meme but when people say they have no regrets, I think
to myself that either 1) They are bullsh-g me (usually the case), 2) they are
bullsh-g themselves, often by closing their eyes to what they missed on,
and/or 3) they aren't taking enough risks.

Regret and pain are part of life. It's a fantasy, and emotionally immature, to
think you will avoid them or that you have.

"May your reach exceed your grasp."

~~~
greggman
That whole topic always rubs me the wrong way. Taking risks could mean
catching aids and dying, falling off the cliff, getting in racing accident,
going bankrupt, etc... Except we don't hear the stories of those who risked
and died or failed, only those who risked and succeeded.

I'm not saying you shouldn't take risks. I just have no idea how you can come
up with rule or guideline that has any basis in reality. There are tons of
people who took some risk and are living with the negative repercussions but
we rarely like hearing about them.

~~~
gmays
You're thinking too hard about it. It's just like how guns don't come with a
label that says, "Don't shoot yourself."

If you struggle with how to use regret minimization I'd say just see the rule
above it: "Stop doing stupid shit." Your examples of "catching aids and dying,
falling off the cliff, getting in racing accident, going bankrupt" mostly fall
under doing stupid shit with the possible exception of going bankrupt, which
could be due to bad luck (but is most often a result of doing stupid shit.)

People get in over their heads because they risk more than they're willing to
lose and fail to think long-term, which is stupid shit. And often it's not
just one bad decision, but a series of bad decisions that lead to catastrophic
outcomes. I became a millionaire in my 20's by taking risks, but I never
risked more than I was willing to lose--financially or in my marriage.

There's not a rule or decision framework for everything, at some point it
comes down to common sense and judgement(which can be improved through
learning). And even with our best efforts we'll make mistakes, which is
expected. But it's ok to make a thousand small mistakes, you just have to
avoid the big ones...like catching aids and dying, falling off the cliff,
getting in racing accident...

It's not a recipe, it's a rough trajectory: some assembly (thought) required.

------
Sukotto
At 40-something, I find that money and health have become increasingly
important. However, they both depend heavily on the foundations I laid in my
20s and 30s. So watch out.

I can't think of too much I wish I had _known_ , but there are quite a few
things I wish I had fully _internalized_ :

\- the math behind financial freedom and how small differences in savings
rate, burn rates, and the carrying cost of owning "stuff" can greatly impact
one's chances of reaching it;

\- the almost unbelievable opportunity and money costs of having children (I
thought I knew.... but I was off by orders of magnitude);

\- that compounding growth (in any aspect of one's life, not just investing)
only matters if you give it time. Start _today_ with a little instead of
waiting for the day you have "enough" to start;

\- the importance of due diligence. I spent more time and care speccing out my
personal computers than I did buying my home. Then compounded my error by
hanging on to it long after I should have cut my losses;

\- that if you are not working towards a specific destination, you're just
floating where the wind and tide take you and _hoping_ you end up somewhere
good;

\- the importance of caring for your body, listening and _acting_ on its
complaints rather than pushing yourself harder;

\- that where you end up is mostly (aside from a certain element of sheer
chance) the result of the choices YOU make (or allow others to make on your
behalf) in life;

\- to seek out relationships with the kind of people you wish you were. You
grow to be more like the people you have around you;

\- to learn from the past, and then _let go of it_. You need to focus on the
future. It's especially important to let go of cynicism and bitterness as they
poison your future and hurt everyone else around you;

\- to take the long view when weighing your options and making your plans;

\- that willpower is severely limited. I wish I had done more to make the
right choices the easiest/default ones. Examples include automated savings,
only keeping healthy foods in the house, building exercise habits into my
daily routine, etc.;

~~~
totony
>\- to learn from the past, and then let go of it. You need to focus on the
future. It's especially important to let go of cynicism and bitterness as they
poison your future and hurt everyone else around you.

This. Past is past, it cannot be changed, put your efforts where it matters. I
would also add that revenge is overrated, do not waste time on it.

------
JabavuAdams
Raising kids is mundane, boring, uninteresting or intensely irritating 80% of
the time. When it's good it's really good, but you don't get to choose when,
and you've got to be at least somewhat on your game the rest of the time too
if you don't want to be a jerk to them.

EDIT> This is for people with strong (non-kid) passions that are time-
consuming. I know people who are just amazing with kids, but typically they
don't seem to have much else going on in their lives.

~~~
kleer001
It feels great to have confirmation. I've never wanted kids. It sounds so
thankless. I'll be happy with being the end of a branch on my family tree for
a more materially comfortable life.

~~~
prawn
Confirmation from one person with a very particular take!

It's work, but it's incredibly rewarding and will continue to be for decades
to come. No doubt you will miss out significantly on that, but in exchange you
get a great deal of freedom so enjoy it.

I didn't think I wanted kids, was never one to want to hold babies and the
like, but I have two and they have been an amazing experience. I'm very glad
not to have missed that path.

~~~
Padding
> I didn't think I wanted kids [...] but I have two

What made you change your mind?

If you strip away any social context (your parents, your partner, your
neighbors), would you still opt for kids? To me it looks like a lot of people
are nagged on by friends and family before having kids and then taken a lot
more seriously afterwards, get more liberties and less questions asked at
work, etc. And then .. well then just get on the hype train themselves.
Looking in from the outside, it does seem a bit caving into peer pressure at
first and suffering from Stockholm Syndrom later.

~~~
JabavuAdams
I was on the fence for a long time. Married for 8 years before having kids.
There just came a point where my nieces were really cute and I felt like my
own ambitious projects were not progressing. I remember thinking one day, as I
played a computer game -- I'm just wasting my time. It's time for a new
adventure.

It's a very special feeling to be loved and looked up to by other little
humans. I treasure my kids 15 min at a time. That said, you can't turn them
off without being a jerk or negligent.

It's just the relentlessness, and the extent to which boundaries between
adults and children have been erased in our (Canadian & US) culture.

~~~
kleer001
>the extent to which boundaries between adults and children have been erased

I'm not sure I understand. Is there more of a boundary in other countries? Is
it the "helicopter mom"-ing ?

------
steven2012
1) You will have to continue studying and learning for the rest of your
career, unless you want to be easily replaceable. If you want to be easily
employable with a great job and great salary past the age of 45, you can't
just be a coder. You need to be a tech lead, architect, etc, someone that can
lead so that you add value in ways other than coding. If you are a coder at
the age of 45, you have to be significantly better than someone who is half
your age and half you salary to keep employed. An average, or below average
coder at age 45 is not easily employable, at least in Silicon Valley.

2) Salaries for pure coders flatline around the age of 35, unless the entire
industry's salary range goes up like it has over the last 5 years. There is a
sweet spot of experience between 8-10 years, and companies don't value 20
years experience more than 10 years experience. The industry simply isn't the
same 10-20 years ago as it is today. The only significant difference that I
bring to the table over an 32 year old coder is that my code is probably
incrementally more reliable and my manual testing abilities are probably
incrementally better, but for the most part, the differences are intangible
and definitely not enough to justify a salary increase.

3) Take care of your body. Age is not just a number. Practice good eating
habits and do not gain weight because it becomes much harder to lose as you
age. Your body goes through physical changes from your early 30s, and you are
weaker. My memory is significantly worse now than it was 10 years ago, and
often forget things that I've known for 10-20 years. My body is significantly
weaker than it was even 5 years back.

4) Learning how to be personable and sociable will help accelerate and
lengthen your career. No one wants to be around someone who is a technical
genius but an asshole. They would rather hire someone who is very good, but
great to work with.

5) Customers don't care about technology, they care about solutions. In the
end, as long as you are solving customer problems, you are employable.

------
carsongross
1) For some reason it got a lot easier to not care about things I knew,
rationally, that I should not care about, right around age 35.

2) The red pill. I don't agree with everything what comes out of that cesspool
of a community, but there is a lot of ugly truth in it as well.

3) Kids, job, sleep (and, therefore, happiness). Pick two in your twenties &
thirties. _However_ , if you pick the first two, sleep comes later. If you
pick the last two, kids probably won't. The happiest people I know picked the
outer two.

~~~
oldclock
> The red pill. I don't agree with everything what comes out of that cesspool
> of a community, but there is a lot of ugly truth in it as well

Examples of "ugly truths" on TRP? All I've seen there is trash and misogyny.

~~~
mycroft-holmes
The general realization that men and women are different and probably want
different things in life. That alone causes controversy within the feminist
spheres of social media.

~~~
itsjareds
Because it's massively overgeneralizing. As has been discussed ad nauseam
elsewhere, people are influenced by the gender roles thrusted onto them from
birth. Gender isn't binary, and the way a person acts doesn't always have to
agree with what is "typical" of their gender.

------
anigbrowl
\- Most people are foolish, and rationalize their emotions rather than
thinking. Relying too much on logic or rationality will thus be a barrier to
social advancement. In other words, it doesn't matter how right you are; if
what you say makes people feel bad, that's ll they'll remember.

\- The more vociferously people express their opinions about some external
issue, the more likely it is that they're talking about themselves.

\- Pay less attention to the news. If it's really important you'll hear about
it anyway. Devote more of your mental attention to what you're really
interested in.

\- Quitting smoking starts to really pay off after about a year. After a few
years, it feels outstanding.

~~~
darkmighty
> Relying too much on logic or rationality will thus be a barrier to social
> advancement

I would like to think that we should be careful when and how to relay
knowledge and advice (and not a statement about how you _actually_ think!).
Logic soundness is irrelevant if the listener can't absorb it, and as obvious
as it is, even more irrelevant if it doesn't positively impact my life/his
life/our relationship.

That's one of the things I love the most about online forums. If you're wrong,
people will probably tell you. You learn it's far more useful to let go of
barriers on your beliefs (I think we built them as a culture to avoid
volatility of knowledge). You gain a lot of confidence if you're sincere to
yourself about your beliefs (I think denying opposite opinions is a dishonesty
to yourself).

> Pay less attention to the news. If it's really important you'll hear about
> it anyway. Devote more of your mental attention to what you're really
> interested in.

This varies a lot by occupation I guess. But this looks like very sound advice
to me. For most news, you would "gain" a lot more per time reading a
compressed delayed perspective. It really is important to judge how actionable
each medium of news is.

~~~
anigbrowl
I really, really like news, but unless you're high up in the power hierarchy
very little of it matters to the individual; I can see why many people just
take in their local news or professional news within their industry. I _do_
think it's very good to be interested in the world at large, but I miss news
before the internet, because so little of what is offered as news is unworthy
of attention and 24-hour publishing cycles have further eroded quality
standards. Despite the flows of media institutions, I'd happily go back to
getting news in the form of a daily paper if internet news magically winked
out of existence.Contrary to my naive youthful expectations, all-the-news-you-
can-handle on the internet has resulted in commoditization rather than
democratization of information, with a correspondingly unhealthy effect on the
body politic.

------
cglee
Find someone to love, and who loves you back. Try to find a community of
people, not only here on HN or online, but who you can be with physically.
Also, while I love the startup ecosystem, I highly suggest finding a community
that doesn't hinge around "success" or money. For example, a gardening group,
or a city league team, etc. Find people who you wouldn't mind giving your time
to for nothing in return.

~~~
crimsonalucard
I'm looking for such a group. Got any tips?

~~~
lightwithin
join the Quakers!

------
gregd
I wish I knew how _unimportant_ material things were.

Live in the now.

You are not your job.

Don't take things personally.

Ask for what you want.

Would you rather be right, or loved?

~~~
Lambdanaut
I'm in my early 20s and I learned this. I'm so thankful that I'll be able to
live the rest of my life free of an over-bearing ego.

Meditation got me there. I think people should seriously give it a shot. It's
potentially lifechanging in very positive ways.

~~~
l33tbro
Beware, I had similar revelations in my early 20s and personally found it very
tough to uphold these ideals. I doubt that I'm alone here on this.

Life throws curveballs at you, and the more you stack responisiblity and
ambition - the harder it is to live for your own ideals. Eventually your
friends start getting married and getting ahead, and you begin wanting more
for your own family than for yourself.

All I'm saying is that it's one thing to realize these values, yet another
entirely to consistently uphold them throughout your adult life.

But, as gregd will attest, it is possible.

~~~
Lambdanaut
Certainly. I'm living largely stress-free right now because of my remote job
that pays well, and so it allows me to easily live an unfettered life. I know
for a fact that if I were not so fortunate that living lucidly and carefree
would not come as naturally. In the past I was very stressed and not happy
with myself, yet still needed to be the best for some reason. I think living
in the now and keeping a clear mind is the best thing I can do to maintain my
peace with myself and my situation, whether it be fortunate or unfortunate.

------
jedberg
I'm 38, but hopefully that's close enough.

There is no suck thing as luck. There is opportunity and the people who take
advantage of it.

A "lucky" person is just someone who takes advantage of the opportunities they
make for themselves.

For example, when I see someone who might be interesting to talk to, I walk up
and talk to them. CTO of Amazon? Go up and say hi. Then suddenly I'm "lucky"
enough to get this: [http://aws.amazon.com/heroes/usa/jeremy-
edberg/](http://aws.amazon.com/heroes/usa/jeremy-edberg/)

~~~
greggman
It's a good attitude that seizing opportunity is something you could always
try to do but it's certainly arguable luck plays a HUGE role in which specific
opportunities show up.

There are countless examples and very famous and successful people will often
point to all the luck in their lives. To name just one example Ed Catmull,
president of Pixar and Disney Animation points out all the luck in his life in
his Creativity Inc book.

Luck that Lucas decided to sell Pixar, Luck that Jobs bought it before it got
disbanded. Luck that Jobs failed to turn Pixar into a computer company like he
tried to do for a couple of years. Luck that Jobs was willing to sink so much
money into a losing company IIRC 57 million before they switch to animation.

I'm sure others can name other examples.

~~~
weddpros
If this guy hadn't thought he was lucky, he would have resigned from Disney
early.

So maybe Luck is a belief... and belief is what decisions are made of, good
and bad.

------
pan69
Start exercising when you're young and make it a life long habit.

------
seajosh
Take cash over equity. Drop acid or shrooms at least once. Don't get married
young.

~~~
SuddsMcDuff
Agree with acid or mushrooms, everyone should experience this. Or DMT.

------
lmg643
I'm not a fan of the saying "do what you love and you'll never work a day in
your life" \- too easy to take that literally. A similar sentiment, but more
precise, that fits for me is "know your temperament and strengths, and if you
find a career that fits them, most importantly you will enjoy yourself, and
have better odds of doing well at it since you are more fully engaged."

------
wyclif
Don't listen to people who say that you are "job hopping" or unreliable if you
change jobs earlier than 5 years in the same role.

------
graycat
(1) Catalogs of some of the more common behavior and emotional patterns and
their development over time of human females and how to recognize these
patterns in real life and respond to them.

(2) The role of entrepreneurship in our economy and society and how to be a
successful entrepreneur.

(3) The connections, common and/or possible, between high end academics and
careers, especially business and entrepreneurship.

(4) Clinical Psychology 101 and how to detect, understand, and respond to the
common problems.

(5) The shockingly large fraction of people who make messes out of their lives
for no good reason, and how to detect, understand, and respond to what they
are doing.

(6) The surprising ability of some people to have terrible lives for their
first 20 years but seemingly put all that aside and have good lives.

(7) What parts of advanced mathematics are powerful for valuable applications
and how to make such applications.

(8) Real Politics 101, or how to please 50+% of the people saying next to
nothing and otherwise saying just lies!

(9) Always look for the hidden agenda.

(10) Organizational Behavior 101.

(11) The common real situations of marriage and parenting in the US, e.g.,
"there are a _lot_ of affairs". If you have or may have significant wealth,
then no way should you get married without a rock solid _pre-nup_. As in the
opera _Rigoletto_ , _La donna è mobile_ , that is, "The woman is fickle". From
"The Big Sky", "You can never tell what a woman will do next.".

(12) How fiction works in books, plays, TV, and movies, and how it connects
with the mass media including what is called the _news_.

(13) What are the really important things in life and how to understand their
importance.

(14) The world changed a lot from 1800 to 1900 and then from 1900 to 2000 and
then from 2000 to 2015. Rapid change will likely continue. Expect and accept
it, welcome it, and take advantage of it.

(15) A good family is one of the most important things, and to have one likely
you have to work hard to make it so.

------
visarga
My realization is that I am about in the middle of my life. That means half of
it has already passed. There's only half left, and that includes old age. It
makes me think deeper about how I am living my life.

~~~
Surio
Yes, you've summarised my everyday thoughts rather well. This is something
that is pretty predominant lately in my mind, and also the fact that my own
parents' mortality is an impending one from this point onwards. These two
thoughts combined, have become sufficient to make so many other things appear
trivial by comparison (and thank God for that).

------
graycat
Take love seriously.

E.g., watch the 2014 Budweiser SuperBowl commercial about a puppy and love at

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQB7QRyF4p4](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQB7QRyF4p4)

There pay attention to the song and, as at

[http://commercialwith.weebly.com/budweiser-puppy-super-
bowl-...](http://commercialwith.weebly.com/budweiser-puppy-super-bowl-
commercial.html)

to the words of the song, i.e.,

"Well you only need the light when it's burning low,

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow.

Only know you love her when you let her go.

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low,

Only hate the road when you're missing home,

Only know you love her when you let her go.

And you let her go. And you let her go (oh woah).

When you let her go."

So, when you do have her,

Lesson: Don't let her go.

And, if she lets you go, try to be a good leader and guide her to seeing the
importance of her not letting you go.

Both of you need love, and together both of your can solve that problem for
both of you. It's important.

------
sbfeibish
Don't be afraid to lose other people's money. Do whatever you have to do
before you have to take care of your parents, your wife, your children. Find a
mentor(s) so you avoid mistakes, so maybe you get funding. Sop up all you can
from the Internet/Youtube. We never had it so good. You can learn about
startups, pitching, finance, programming, etc. Be careful who you select as
friends. Don't dismiss, but fade the ones not interested in success. Don't
think that any project is too big for you. Don't separate yourself from
society. You can't just program in a dark room. You need to get out and meet
others or you'll miss something important.

If you wait till things get cheap you'll be at the end of the line (I'm
thinking of not starting businesses like auctions, search, employment, etc. in
the 1990's because everything was expensive. )

Learn about Robert Kiyosaki's (Rich Dad, Poor Dad) four quandrants.

Investing Learn what's meant by secular & cyclical bull markets and what their
length is. Learn how important demographics are (Right now my "baby boom"
generation is trying to sell it's homes to a generation with fewer people.)
Learn what normally happens when the Fed pumps money into the economy. First
it goes into the stock market, then the economy, then inflation takes hold.
Since the emerging economies (Asia) will grow faster then the older developed
economies (North America & Europe), over a long period of time the returns
___should_ __be higher in Asia. If you have a long period of time (100yrs) you
don 't need to take risk. You can simply invest in the big, growing companies
that increase their dividend year after year. Buy when there's blood in the
streets. After a disaster is always a good time to invest somewhere. Just
because some junior mining company says they've found an anomaly, it doesn't
mean anything. So few mines prove to be economic it's unreal. 1 in 1,000? 1 in
10,000? Look it up. There's too much :)

~~~
sbfeibish
That is, don't be afraid you'll lose other people's money. And use that as a
reason not to act.

------
bsegraves
Don't be passive in your life, or you might wake up one day on the wrong side
of 40 and realize that you haven't been in control of your life.

~~~
michaelochurch
Isn't the idea that there's a "wrong" side of 40 a bit silly?

Sorry for the snipe/snark, but... I mean, there's no right or wrong to
chronological age. It's not something we have any control over.

~~~
anigbrowl
You're pretty successful already. I'm turning 45 this year and and am
uncomfortably aware that I need to accomplish certain career goals within the
next few years or see the chances of ever doing so diminish dramatically.

~~~
michaelochurch
I wasn't debating the substance of what you are saying. I was only questioning
the idea that there's a "wrong" side of an age, as opposed to just "later".

My read of age in software is that the age discrimination culture is less
severe outside of the Bay Area. I certainly meet people over 50-60+ in Chicago
and New York who are still programming and highly respected.

~~~
anigbrowl
I wasn't thinking of any region or profession in particular, but I am more
aware of age as a filtering strategy than I was a few years back.

~~~
michaelochurch
Got it. Sorry to hear that you're dealing with that shit.

It does seem better in the Midwest. And it's not that bad in New York,
although the cost of living is brutal. The nuttiness going on in the Bay Area
seems to be a young man's game (and, if you're not well-connected enough to be
made a founder out of the gates, a _stupid_ young man's game).

------
issa
One of the lessons I've learned is that things don't really change very much.
Obviously the internet has changed how we do things, but not by much: A time
traveler snatched from 1975 would feel right at home in most ways that matter.

When I was younger, I expected change to happen much faster. Hovercars and
jetpacks, but also World Government, peace on Earth, and food for the hungry.

We haven't really made much progress. I have high hopes for new players in the
transportation and space industries, and for medical advances based on
genetics and bioinformatics, but experience tells me not to hold my breath.

But there are also surprises the other way. In 1975, no one believed the U.S.
would have a non-white president so soon.

I now live in a state of (very) tempered optimism.

------
Bulkington
Anyone over 40 who is certain of anything hasn't been paying attention.

------
anotherevan
Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

~~~
tdoggette
People always say this (or the more general "take care of your joints"). What
the hell does it _mean_? Don't skateboard? Run? Don't run? Start taking fish
oil at age 25?

------
arcticsoul
Floss

~~~
ross_lambert
* No tombstone ever said, "He wrote great code." Ponder the implications of that.

* Don't let anybody else define success. You are not in high school anymore--chart your own path.

* Count your blessings. Be grateful, if not to God then to your parents or somebody besides yourself.

~~~
wyclif
Nobody on their deathbed ever says, "I wish I had worked more instead of
spending time with my family."

~~~
JabavuAdams
I was just thinking about this yesterday, and I disagree. I think it's
something that people repeat without really thinking about it.

Sure, if you hate your job, or it's meaningless. But let's turn this around.
Do great painters wish they had spent less time painting? Or do they wish they
could finish their last project. Do writers wish they had written less, or do
they wish they could live long enough to finish that last book?

I do what I do because I enjoy doing it more than spending time with my
family. For better or for worse, it is a compulsion, a calling, not a job.

~~~
Padding
I agree.

The way most people seem to mean this is one in which it's trivially true,
since work is unpleasant but necessary and family is pleasant but scarce.

There is work out there that people love and not only activities that you get
compensated for qualify as "work". Similarly there's relatives out there that
people do wish they'd spend less time with.

------
dpweb
Don't borrow money.

~~~
squiguy7
Don't borrow more money than you believe you can repay within in a reasonable
amount of time. But your overarching goal is true.

------
loumf
1\. Low cost whole market index funds from (e.g. Fidelity), not individual
stocks. See the Bogleheads site and books.

2\. Work out 3-4 days per week

3\. Portion control works. Eating from a restricted list works (YES fruits,
vegetables, meats, nuts, seeds, non-grain-based oils. LIMIT dairy. NO
sugar/grain(flour,rice,corn)) So, weight watchers or something like Paleo or
Zone. (Fat all my life until 35 or so)

~~~
swalsh
"1\. Low cost whole market index funds from (e.g. Fidelity), not individual
stocks. See the Bogleheads site and books."

What's your opinion on leveraged equity? I have a few mutual funds that have
been killing it since I bought them (a few years ago) but everything I read,
says not to hold them longer then a few days. Its hard to sell something
that's actively making money. One example, is I bought bipix back around Sept
2011.

~~~
loumf
I do not own anything that I wouldn't hold for years and years.

My plan to make money via knowledge and work is through writing software. The
risky instruments I hold are options in the company I work for and equity in
my own projects. I want to spend near 0 time on financial engineering -- the
purpose of the portfolio is to balance the risks I take at work.

My accumulated wealth is in low-fee index funds (mostly stocks, but a fair
amount of bonds and international).

In your specific example, BIPIX is trying to outdo the Dow Jones U.S.
Biotechnology Index. In 3yrs, DJBioTech returned ~200% and BIPIX is better
(~240%). I'd have to know the fees to know which returned better net fees. The
BIPIX managers claim they are going for 1.5 return of the DJBioTech, which
they have not in the 3 year period. In the 1 year they are swapping back and
forth (BIPIX currently (EDIT: I said ahead, but it's actually) behind not
taking fees into account)

If I wanted the return of a specific sub-market industry, I would buy the
unmanaged index that best represents that industry.

Basically -- we have no evidence that mutual fund managers can beat indexes in
the long term, but we know fees and taxes for sure.

------
swframe
Don't get married. Marriage is a very tight coupling that is too easy to get
into and too hard to get out of. You don't need it.

~~~
ssiddharth
Interesting point. Would you mind elaborating further?

------
protomyth
Get the stories from your mentors (and parents / relatives if they're not your
mentors) before you turn 40. Learn about their history. Sadly, your turning 40
is going to start being the age where these folks are passing away. Ask the
questions now. Knowing about their history will give you some great insight
into the whys of their beliefs and actions.

------
ssarkar
1\. Dont read/listen to news. 2\. Read history. 3\. Try to avoid alcohol.

------
jxf
Don't read Hacker News when you're working on things. Especially not the
comments.

(Except maybe for this article.)

------
graycat
When communicating to others, just must pay close attention to and consider
your intended audience; for successful communications, your message alone
constructed independent of your audience will, in practice, often give some
bad reactions and, thus, is usually not good enough.

If don't pay close attention to your audience, then you risk offending,
confusing, or losing your audience and creating emotional upset, rational
misunderstanding, and maybe even hostility.

In paying attention to your audience, often have to _put yourself in the
state, i.e., position, of your audience_. That is, from paying attention to
your audience, you have to try to understand their backgrounds, thinking, and
emotions, anticipate (that is, guess in advance) what their reactions will be,
and, then, revise your message for them, say, to get your real message across
and avoid misunderstandings, terrible emotional reactions, etc. This advice is
especially important in romantic and/or family communications. Right, this
extra step means that in communicating you have to think about two things, not
just one, that is, think about both the core content you are trying to
communicate and also what your audience might be getting.

Especially good in one on one communications, one, good, sometimes crucial,
general technique is _reflective listening_ , that is, asking the other person
to summarize and repeat back their understanding of what you communicated. Or,
in terms of electronic engineering, write, read back, and then compare what
tried to write with what read back! A big reason here is that emotions,
unstated assumptions, various fears, etc. can get seriously in the way of even
simple messages.

In particular, for a large fraction of human females, often their first
reaction to any communications from a man is to be afraid of various things --
or just be afraid even without knowing why. For some 101 level lessons, maybe
have a nervous kitty cat (some are quite nervous, are _scaredy cats_ ) and
learn how to detect when they are scared and how to respond and, then, how
over time to make them much less scared. Then for human females, slowly work
your way up from this 101 level lesson to a graduate course!

------
JeffL
I wish I took better care of my knees. It's important to do quad strengthening
and hamstring stretching. Just playing a lot of soccer and basketball by
themselves can lead to loss of cartilage and having to give it all up.

------
mingabunga
Marry the right person

------
bettyx1138
I wish I'd known how IMPOSSIBLE it is to obtain a life partner/LTR/marriage in
my late 40s and now 50! (I'm female.)

I would have made an effort to get a beau 10 years ago if I'd known!

PS - Shameless plug - If you are a single and looking cool-as-all-fuck male
unicorn open to a super fucking cool 50 year old women (former punk rock
chick, grad degree, nerdgrrl) who looks and acts 30, find me on okc, same uid
as here.

~~~
infiniteseeker
It is easier for males in their late 40s and 50s then it is for females. Look
up SMV (Sexual Market Value)

------
ekanes
Who you know matters. Choose your friends carefully, surround yourself with
people who can teach you something, and invest in meaningful relationships.

------
graycat
"Youth is such a wonderful time of life. Too bad it's wasted on young people."

Commonly attributed to Mark Twain

------
weddpros
You must have goals, but "I'm 40 and I've achieved all I wanted for my life"
is the least desirable outcome of your life. Because life doesn't end at 40,
and you'll feel a deep void... Stay in motion, don't plan for a plateau in
your life.

------
facepalm
Even if there is high demand for software developers, you might not be much in
demand after 40. Just look at the average job page - how many old dudes do you
typically see in the "this is our cool company" photo?

------
LBarret
\- listen to yourself, you cannot go against your fundamental nature, you can
"surf" it to reach your goals \- speak your mind, with diplomacy, but don't
stay silent. \- sweat.

------
daSn0wie
keep failing at things in one focused area. review your failures and note what
you learned from each of them. if you make incremental improvements to
anything on a daily basis, in 10 years you'll be a master.

never measure yourself against where you want to be, but to where you were.

always ask for things, no one is going to do it for you.

you can't make everyone happy (especially on hacker news ;) ). find an
audience that resonates with you and make them happy.

you're not a special snowflake.

------
11thEarlOfMar
I wish I'd realized that everything I'd ever looked forward to eventually had
happened, no matter how far into the future it was.

------
andersthue
I wished I had learned to let go while much younger.

43

------
ChuckMcM
Time only flows in one direction.

------
chilicuil
wow, even with so little entries these ones are lot better than the other 2x
threads.

------
akg_67
* Life is much more than just chasing shiny new things.

* Value experience more than things.

------
mathattack
\- Over the short term there are a lot of variables to success other than
being a smart, hard working, good person. Over the long term things start to
even out.

\- Being smart is the price of entry, but drive matters more. (The #1 & #2
people from my high school class of 500+ had nominal professional success. The
breakout successes were the 5'2" guy who made the basketball team, and the
chunky musician who never missed a class 6-12. Both were smart, but their
drive carried them.)

\- If you see a partial ethical lapse from someone, the odds are there are
more full lapses to follow. Give second chances for a lot of failures, but not
ethical lapses.

\- The group of who you is important to you shrinks, not grows over time.

\- Somehow you have a lot less free time when you have the so-called "boring,
married and 2 kids" life. It's still worth doing. (Kids are simultaneously
much more time than you'd imagine, much more frustration, and much more
awesome)

\- Be smart about money. Remember that every dollar of debt needs to be paid
back. Would the future you say, "I really wish I had pissed away X getting..."

\- Throw out stuff. You won't miss it, and there's a cost of carrying it
around. Spend on experience instead.

\- With alcohol, go for quality over quantity. You'll spend less money for a
better experience.

\- It's not worth spending time with negative people.

\- Don't wait until you have a daughter to lose the sexism.

\- Go to the dentist and doctor regularly, and listen to them.

\- Prepare to reinvent yourself multiple times.

\- Most of your peer group won't achieve the success that they assume will
happen naturally. (Life is a pyramid scheme, and what gets you across the
first few steps won't get you past the next few, and lots of people drop off
along the way)

\- Luck matters a lot, but operate like it doesn't at all.

\- Be twice as responsible as you think you need to be, because you don't know
the other person's perception. Assume the other person will only be half as
responsible.

\- If you see warning signs at work, move quickly, leaving the handcuffs
behind. They won't stay gold for long.

\- Take the soft classes seriously.

\- Become so talented that you're the "Go To" person, and such a good teacher
that you've replaced yourself by the time you want to go to bigger and better
things.

\- With other people, you sometimes have to choose between Being Right and
Having a Relationship. There's no loss of character for keeping quiet.

\- Confidence inspires confidence. It's ok to commit on 80% certainty when the
other guy is committing on 60%.

------
ronilan
1\. That people would prefer a piece of advice to be given by Kurt Vonnegut at
an MIT commencement speech rather than for the same advice to be provided by
Mary Schmich in her Chicago Tribune column. Even if she wrote the original and
he never gave the speech.

2\. That people will always prefer the YouTube video over all other
alternatives:
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTJ7AzBIJoI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTJ7AzBIJoI)

3\. That meta is convoluted.

------
noobplusplus
Reading HN is a waste of time. You should come here to know, what NOT to do.

