
Ask HN: What to avoid in life? - sandwhichmole
I’ve heard wisdom defined as knowing what to avoid, or knowing what to filter out &#x2F; not give any attention.<p>Motivated by that definition, what are some things (behaviors, products, type of people, etc.) that you either think should be avoided or have been rewarded by consciously avoiding?
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malux85
Student loans.

I understand it’s difficult, especially when you’re conditioned to get one
since the conversation about college starts when you’re young, but I took one
look at it. Saw it was going to be six figure sums, and said no way. Much to
the horror of my siblings, parents, friends etc.

Got a job doing help desk and within a year taught myself programming in spare
time and landed a well paying job as a developer. I was paid more than the
university graduates they were hiring.

I know that university is largely to force people who don’t have enough
discipline to self teach AND make social connections, but is that worth
hundreds of thousands in debt? No.

There’s going to be a bunch of hate replies to this by people rationalising
their debt, who are largely lying to themselves about its worth because they
are in too deep, but this thread is about “things to avoid” and my vote is
student loans.

Nullius in Verba - think for yourself, make your own decisions

~~~
titanomachy
I loved learning math and physics with motivated peers and experts to guide
us. I'm quite sure I would not have been able to learn the things I did on my
own. I'm not sure what I would have done if I lived in a country with
education as expensive as you describe.

I hope that the US can find a way to help bright and motivated young people
have a similar experience without taking on crippling debt.

~~~
c0restraint
Some community colleges in the US are $100-300 per course, and they offer most
of those same core math & physics courses, without the crippling debt.

------
Balgair
Per Michael Pollan:

Don't eat anything your great grandmother wouldn't recognize as food. When you
pick up that box of portable yogurt tubes, or eat something with 15
ingredients you can't pronounce, ask yourself, "What are those things doing
there?".

Don’t eat anything with more than five ingredients, or ingredients you can't
pronounce.

Stay out of the middle of the supermarket; shop on the perimeter of the store.
Real food tends to be on the outer edge of the store near the loading docks,
where it can be replaced with fresh foods when it goes bad.

Don't eat anything that won't eventually rot. There are exceptions -- honey --
but as a rule, things like Twinkies that never go bad aren't food.

Always leave the table a little hungry. Many cultures have rules that you stop
eating before you are full. In Japan, they say eat until you are four-fifths
full. Islamic culture has a similar rule, and in German culture they say, 'Tie
off the sack before it's full.'

Families traditionally ate together, around a table and not a TV, at regular
meal times. It's a good tradition. Enjoy meals with the people you love.
Remember when eating between meals felt wrong?

Don't buy food where you buy your gasoline. In the U.S., 20% of food is eaten
in the car.

In summation:

Eat real food, probably less, mostly plants, with friends/family.

------
arcticbull
Bad managers.

A bad manager will make or break your experience at a company. Doesn’t matter
how great the project is, or the people you’re working with. Do your due
diligence, ask around, and if you get even a hint of shenanigans run for the
hills.

Similarly if you find yourself with one plan an exit asap.

The priority order when you find a team is: 1- manager, 2- team and 3- how
closely the project as is aligns with your interests and expertise. 2- changes
over time and 3- is often within your control once you join, but 1- is an
awful lot of work to extricate yourself from after.

~~~
kabdib
I had a manager at Microsoft -- I called him a "practice manager" because he
had little experience managing and was just given a handful of people to
wrangle -- and it was absolutely miserable. He interfered with my technical
decisions, undermined me in meetings, and did a really shitty job defending me
in stack rankings. At one point, after he refused to supply me with a
workstation that would work ("That's the computer we gave you, you'll just
have to deal with it"), I spent a bunch of my own money on my own hardware so
that I could do my job [in retrospect, I should have gone up the management
chain long before that].

A few years later he tried to use me as a reference for a certain other large
software company. Let's just say they got an earful.

Fifteen years and I'm still angry at that jerk. If you have a bad manager,
fire them.

~~~
sillysaurusx
You gave him a bad reference?

That’s one of the more hurtful things you can do to someone. They were looking
forward to the job, and companies have all the power.

I sure hope he deserved it.

After thinking it over, I think what’s happening is that you’ve never been in
a position where you need a reference to get hired. I mean _need_ , as in “I
literally don’t have anyone available except them.” Being in that position
just to make end’s meet is awful, and people go through ups and downs in their
lives.

Fifteen years...

~~~
arcticbull
Some folks are actively harmful to an organization, and you certainly don’t
owe one of them a positive review. Without knowing more, I mean, it sounds
like the manager was digging pretty deep for references, meaning they were
probably bad at their subsequent jobs too.

Finding a reference involves finding a single solitary human at your old job
who didn’t outright hate you. If it’s that hard I mean...

------
synaesthesisx
Social media.

Obviously not all of it is equal, but there’s certain low-hanging fruit
culprits (Facebook and Instagram immediately come to mind). I see far too many
people endlessly scrolling IG loops, and apparently many spend an hour+ daily
doing so. These applications hijack the brain’s reward pathways and are
inherently addicting by design.

Facebook is a trash advertising company with no regard whatsoever for privacy
and I’m absolutely stunned that they haven’t imploded yet.

~~~
JonathanFly
It's quite difficult to function avoiding all social media, people communicate
via Facebook, developers talk on Twitter, it's just important to be in the
space.

But it sure can take over. I've been blocking it at the router level at
certain times of the day. Seems like an ok compromise for now.

------
geff82
Toxic relationships. Also: looking for love instead of a partner that you can
love. Nothing holds people more from goals in life than having a partner that
is not similar in what you want from life. In the grand total, you should both
want the same. You might have individual side hobbies (but try to share the
main hobbies, too!), sometimes fight over the way to go next, that is all ok.
But to make it big, two people can handle more than one person.

I see many people wanting "love". If I had chosen my wife the same way I had
chosen girlfriends before, probably we would have been divorced by now. While
I undoubtedly love my wife a lot, I was really careful to primarily find a
partner in her, a person with similar goals in life, a person that I might
still want to be with and be able to talk to at the age of 99, sitting next to
her in a wheelchair. So absolutely avoid not being very, very, honest to
yourself and letting alone love and pure attractiveness govern your search for
a partner for life. Turn your brain on.

------
marklacey
Avoid toxic people and drama.

There are people who want to focus on everything wrong around them, and tend
to amplify it and create drama. If you find yourself around people like this
try to create some distance or cut them out of the picture entirely. If you
find that you’re always surrounded by people like this take some time to try
to figure out how and why that is happening.

------
rsp1984
Bad company. Not (necessarily) meaning where you work but more generally the
people you surround yourself with.

You'll find yourself much happier in life spending energy to find good company
(of people you enjoy being with) instead of trying to make things work with
the people you just happen to be around with. It takes active effort to meet
new people but on the long run it's worth the effort many times over.

------
zzzeek
Cults. Learn to see what they are early on, learn what groups are considered
to be cults, read Lifton's "Thought Reform and the Ideology of Totalism"
([https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thought_Reform_and_the_Psychol...](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thought_Reform_and_the_Psychology_of_Totalism)),
stay away.

~~~
threatofrain
Anyone who is vulnerable to cults is likely vulnerable for reasons other than
lacking a warning.

~~~
zzzeek
knowing about cults is therefore essential to those times when someone is
vulnerable (which includes virtually everyone at some point), so that they
have context for what is actually happening and retain enough wisdom to stay
away.

------
morninglight
Avoid taking "advice" from anonymous people on the internet. For example,
let's say someone told you that coronavirus can survive for extended periods
outside of a living body, and therefore, any packages you receive from China
could be a health risk. Should you filter out this "advice"? Well, if it is
just "advice", then you should look for substantiation. Without proof, it has
little or no value. Now can someone tell me what to do with the package
sitting on my front porch (please provide references).

~~~
kangnkodos
Don't take advice from this anonymous person on the internet. SARS virus could
last 6 days on surfaces. No one knows how long coronavirus lasts yet.

[https://foundation.chestnet.org/patient-education-
resources/...](https://foundation.chestnet.org/patient-education-
resources/severe-acute-respiratory-syndrome-sars/)

------
_Microft
Add "Ask HN:" to the submission title to make clear that your submission is
asking a question and is open for discussion instead of linking to an article
that tries to answer it.

------
koolba
Avoid increasing your expenses in line with increases of your income. It’s an
easy to fall into the trap on the way up, and a difficult one to escape.

~~~
dehrmann
Any fly "premium" economy to Europe? The horror.

~~~
c0restraint
Premium economy between Western Europe & the States is short enough that it
isn't really worth it to me, but the States to Asia Pacific is generally worth
it. 14-28 hour travel is much more awful.

------
rcarmo
Sales.

As an engineer by training (and vocation), exposure to a cesspool of over-
excited sales teams with overinflated egos, impossible targets, zero alignment
with reality and the “always be closing” mentality nearly drove me insane,
especially when I was called in to bring “technical credibility” to stuff that
defied logic or when I was told I was “a negative influence” by pointing out
(internally) that the sales pitch had the solidity of warm, brown fudge.

Toxicity usually escalates very quickly from then on.

Proper consulting (which also involves _pre_-sales, but which has to be
grounded in reality because you’re gauging commitment and risks to all
parties) is much saner in comparison - the rule of thumb here is to never work
in a customer-facing position with people who will vanish from sight the
moment a deal is signed.

------
bardworx
Regret.

The older I become, the more I’ve come to terms that one day I’m going to die.
I’ve watched both my parents pass and I’m fairly young (36). Since my mother’s
death, I’ve focused on my own demise in a productive way: I always ask if my
actions can lead to regret. Not the nonsense regret of not picking the correct
job, stock, or purchase but real regret.

Is this release getting in the way of me being a better husband? Is my work
trip causing me to miss family time?

Everyone is driven and I’m no exception but what can I do to minimize my
regret?

In other words, on your death bed, will I regret not having X more money or
will I regret not seeing my kids first steps? Rephrase that question to suit
your situation and that should be your driver.

And if you will regret not making more money or doing X product, that’s fine
too; that should be your focus. Just figure out what you want, regardless if
it changes year to year and pursue it.

P.S. Also avoid caring what others think. They’re not going to die instead of
you. Their opinion is worthless. (This includes me if you disagree)

------
Yetanfou
Things. Stuff. Collections of ... whatever, really. Don't get too attached to
things and widgets and thingamabobs and artefacts and all the other man-made
objects which supposedly are there to serve you but which end up needing
service in some way or another, from simple storage service - where are you
going to put it all - to actual upkeep. Just keep the minimal required to live
your life in a way you find worthwhile and decide that anything more is
optional. That doesn't mean you need to go out and actively get rid of stuff
to lead some ascetic life of frugality, it just means you might want to dump
it the next time you move without bothering to bring or replace it. Make sure
whatever you have and keep around you is there to serve you and don't fall for
all those gadgets which are being pushed upon you.

------
lazyant
High risk (as in life-changing) situations that can be avoided: driving drunk,
unsafe sex etc. Most other bad stuff can be handled with money and/or time.

~~~
pigscantfly
Even beyond that, do not get in someone else's car if you suspect they may be
drunk!

------
mojuba
\- Avoid borrowing money, be it in the form of credit cards or even worse,
mortgage. I know this is not something you want to hear if you are on a
mortgage deal already. But borrowing can limit your freedom in ways that are
not immediately obvious. You trade your freedom for illusory prosperity. That
said, a business loan for your business may not be such a bad idea.

\- If your plan is to become an entrepreneur, start building your network
early. Build slowly but surely, there is no rush, but one of the worst things
that can happen to an entrepreneur is to be alone with your ideas and visions.

\- People change as they age or when they get rich. You don't have to.

~~~
arcticbull
Not borrowing money is bad advice. The best way to become rich is leveraged
investment. A mortgage is simply a 5X leveraged investment in real estate.
With interest rates around 3% on a 30-year fixed, tax deductible, you’re
actually winding up borrowing at below inflation. Then you’re building
principal too, yours and not your landlords. I wish I’d realized this sooner.

When you’re young you could even consider borrowing money to invest in the
stock markets. Imagine if you’d borrowed $100K in 2010 and dropped it all into
the S&P. You’d have $333K right now. If you’d done it in 1995 you’d have
$650K. When you’re young it matters far less if you get wiped out, you’ve got
years to recover.

~~~
stanferder
If these investments of yours were as much of a sure bet (or adequately sure
bet) as you're suggesting, banks would simply cut out the middle-person (i.e.
the borrower) and invest in these things directly.

~~~
glofish
I think banks make their money not on interest rates but on various fees and
overheads: each person getting a mortgage pays 10K (or more) to the bank right
away. That is huge upfront money in addition to the interest rate.

Same with late fees etc. Huge business.

~~~
arcticbull
also folks on average refinance or sell their property every 10 years meaning
folks on a 30 year restart, paying new origination fees and once more the bulk
of their payments are interest.

------
minblaster
Don’t get tricked into playing zero sum games.

Status, prestige, being the “best” are relative, not absolute measurements.
Someone else’s gain is your loss.

Health, love, education (to build a skill) are absolute. Someone else’s gain
can benefit and inspire you.

------
scarejunba
Don't argue on the Internet. Information transfer is a gift. Use it on people
who appreciate it. Know that the people who do not appreciate it are not eager
to receive it and will not alter their behaviour.

------
bluewalt
Following social conventions. The more I grow up, the more I have the feeling
this lead people to the wrong path to happiness. Having the ability to be and
act different is harder than it seems to. But when you know deep inside how
you should do something, do no let society tell you how to do it.

Recently I found out that some people are truly happy being single. They're
not acting. The only problem for them, is how people treat them in a
condescending way: "Don't worry, love is coming for you, you'll be lucky too".

------
CM30
Renting.

Okay, I know that's not possible for everything. Renting a home is virtually a
must in places with high housing prices, and a mortgsge is often needed when
buying a house.

But in 95% of cases, renting something is a worse deal than buying it
outright, and will leave you worse off as a result.

1\. It's more expensive, especially in the long run. There's a reason so many
companies have gone with the whole 'SaaS' model, and that's because it costs
the customer a lot more to keep shelling out cash month on month.

2\. It's a liability if you run into financial difficulties, since you have to
either stop using said thing, or keep paying money you might not have/might
need for more important things. Actual property can be sold instead.

3\. And it's a security risk/livelihood risk that can be targeted by your
enemies. The only reason stuff like cancel culture even 'works' is because so
many companies would rather save their own reputation than stand by their
csutomers, and because that can be exploited against others.

~~~
glofish
This advice is not universally valid.

There are plenty of situations where renting is greatly advantageous.

Being dogmatic is what everyone needs to avoid. Being preconditioned to the
idea that buying is automatically a good decision is to be avoided as well -
when you take out huge loans with little equity you end up paying twice or
more for the property - not to mention the massive costs of owning a home:
from taxes to crippingly expensive home repairs. You can easily end up paying
three or four times more than renting. Had you invested just the difference,
in thirty years you'd be a million dollars ahead.

As always weigh the options and choose the one where the long-term math checks
out.

------
cmroanirgo
A seemingly pithy statement would be: Avoid Avoidance.

Most spiritual texts talk of the dangers of following desires, and avoiding
something is almost the same as following one's desires. The degree of
difference is in how you look, either toward what you want, or away from what
you don't want.

Unfortunately, as I go thru life I realise the spiritual texts are probably
right and that giving into desires leads to more selfishness, which leads to
giving into more desires... a never-ending cycle.

So I would dispute the wisdom in 'filtering' out undesirables, and realise
that we're all on this rock, and being selfish leads nowhere but different
peoples being unable to communicate and relate.

It's better to learn acceptance, and if something comes your way that you
don't like, then try and learn why it is so & why you react so. Asking "why?"
Is a far more powerful concept than 'filtering'.

~~~
sugarpile
Learning acceptance is the same as avoiding your, to this point, natural
response :)

Some spiritual texts (stoic philosophy) place an emphasis on guarding your
impressions to external events (e.g., deciding I have a flat tire, this is
bad, my day is ruined) because if you solely restrict your judgement of
good/bad to things in your control then you'll never fail to avoid what you
want to avoid.

Personally, I think the answer lies somewhere in the middle: in general you
should seek to embody Marcus Aurelius' "This doesn't _have_ to affect you"
quote but there are also times where being affected by things is a natural and
healthy human emotion and at those times you should not avoid feeling them and
instead practice sitting with them, understanding them, and learning from
them.

------
natalyarostova
People or programs that claim they can teach you complex things quickly,
easily, or painlessly. Learning hard things worth knowing is painful and
excruciating. People who try to avoid that end up not learning.*

*thats not to say there aren’t more effective ways to learn hard things. But that’s just optimizing in return per minute of pain :)

------
ericls
I feel that you should find something you like and avoid everything else.

------
ilamont
Toxic personalities and flakes.

The former are easier to spot, the latter much harder especially if they are
extroverts and radiate a sheen of confidence or capability.

------
dzdt
Addictive drugs

~~~
mavsman
Ya I'm currently ready Beautiful Boy. The movie was amazing. The book is
pretty different in my opinion but also very good. Anyway, it's all about the
toll that drugs, and specifically meth, takes on their family's lives. Really
heartbreaking and touching at the same time.

------
xiphias2
Keeping all your money in cash. On the long term anything else is better, and
some cash is necessary for short term expenses.

There are many great HN threads of investing, and the earlier you start, the
earlier you can retire if you want.

------
pgt
Alcohol

------
dehrmann
Scams. Some are getting a lot more sophisticated, but I really mean the "if
it's too good to be true..." scams.

------
shreyshrey
Comparing yourself with others.

------
alashley
Advice, especially the unsolicited kind

------
odomojuli
Fear.

To consciously avoid, is to avoid conscience.

------
cheez
Avoid marriage until you have an income that can support a family. Make that a
passive income.

------
sys_64738
The internet. Too late.

------
jhatemyjob
Internet forums

------
moltar
Death

------
motohagiography
Sympathy.

~~~
alashley
I understand this.

------
sergiotapia
Don't do drugs - it's retarded.

