Ask HN: What influenced your personal growth the most? - shubhamjain
======
subcosmos
Two weeks after earning a PhD in medical research, I was driving down the
highway and saw a terrible accident right in front of me. I pulled over and
attended to an unconscious man in a crushed vehicle. Myself and several other
good Samaritans tried to resuscitate him, but failed.

It was fathers day. I would later find out he was about 40 with two kids. Way
too young.

For a time I blamed myself for not being a "real doctor", and I developed PTSD
and alcoholism. Years later however, what emerged from that pain was a medical
research nonprofit that applies genomics and digital health to hopefully
extend the most lives. It's my only passion, really.

Sometimes we create the most amazing things by responding to terrible
tragedies. It has taken me 4 years to see the silver lining in that scenario.

~~~
mod
I was once a certified lifeguard & first responder, and pulled a man from a
river during a vacation. He had been underwater several minutes (the man
couldn't swim), as he could not be seen--the water was murky & visibility was
< 12 inches. He was not lifeless, as he vomited after rescue, but we was not
resuscitated and died on the scene.

It's been about 12 years now, I think.

I made some mistakes which I think could have been avoided. Not the mistake of
standing by, but I didn't keep my training at the front of my brain. Namely, I
did not ensure 911 was called before we found the body, and I did not spend a
few seconds trying to recruit more people to look for the body. Both of those
may have saved his life, it's hard to say.

I haven't found a silver lining, and I don't expect to. I simply hope that I
can perform better in the event that such a thing happens again.

------
stevenkovar
Sleep, diet, exercise, and a means to reflect.

Sleep: I think we undervalue the importance of sleep. This is the time when
your body gets to improve itself. Without good sleep, your diet and exercise
will be much less effective.

Diet: Your mental and physical well being is a rolling average of the things
you eat. Cheat days are fine; cheat weeks are not. As long as your diet is
always trending in the right direction, you'll find life becomes a little
easier to manage at an increasing rate.

Exercise: I hardly do it for physical reasons (though they are very positive),
but instead for chemical reasons. Exercise is very important for your brain,
and to flush toxins. I play soccer and lift weights, but you might find
something else that you enjoy. The important thing—for me—is that it's
something you can get into a "flow" with, that feels almost meditative.

Reflect: Whether you do a 5-minute journal, transcendental meditation,
'Getting Thing Done', or whatever system is popular today... it's important to
find where your next 2% improvement will come from. Life is just a series of
these steps that push you forward, 2% at a time.

Don't forget to play, either. That's half the human experience (and the source
of a lot of creativity).

~~~
SeeDave
>Diet: Your mental and physical well being is a rolling average of the things
you eat. Cheat days are fine; cheat weeks are not. As long as your diet is
always trending in the right direction, you'll find life becomes a little
easier to manage at an increasing rate.

You're totally right, and would like to stress that you get 1000 meals a year.
I prefer to think of "cheat meals" rather than "cheat days" so... splurging
once in a while isn't always a bad thing.

------
skohan
A few different things:

\- Growing up with a maker dad and an artist mom. I would routinely come home
from school and my Dad would be doing something like building a robot mouse
trap with an IR tripwire, and my mom would be on the phone working connections
to get a radio interview to talk about a new project. Nothing seemed out of
bounds or too hard to try doing yourself.

\- Studying music, and learning that nothing is objectively difficult, just
relatively unfamiliar. Learning that any skill is attainable through the right
kind of practice.

\- Joining a 2-person start up and growing with it through to an exit.
Learning there's no _magic_ to a successful company or project, it's about
solving a series of practical problems like anything else.

~~~
nojvek
Sounds like amazing parents.

~~~
skohan
Truly.

------
randcraw
For me, it was reading “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance” — one small
part of it especially.

Long before Pirsig begins asking fundamental questions like, “What can we
know?”, and “What is the meaning of Quality?”, he mentions the seed of his
destruction — his realization when studying biochemistry that there were an
infinite number of possible theories that he could propose to explain any
observation, and that there was no way he could ever know which theory was
right, nor would he live long enough to soundly validate any hypothesis he
might invent of his own.

Pirsig's ensuing battle with subjective thinking and eventual mental decline
as he lost faith that objectivity was fruitful as a way of life, much less
realizable... This was my first glimpse into the futility of pursuing a life
dedicated to exploring objective reality, i.e. science.

In the 30 years since, I can only confirm that epiphany — there is far more to
be gained by telling people what they want to hear and by self promotion than
in persisting with reality. Storytellers are far more beloved than are
sticklers for the truth.

~~~
rayalez
This is a silly false dichotomy that many of "zen" teachings keep repeating.

"I want to know the perfect complete truth + human beings can not know perfect
complete truth = therefore truth is unknowable and we should give up trying."

This is dumb. Just because you don't get to be perfect, doesn't mean it's
pointless to try to do better.

We are all flawed, but we are less flawed than we were 2000 years ago, and
that kind of progress is worth striving for, even if we'll never know the
ultimate truth.

Also striving to be better and knowing as much of "the truth" as possible is
valuable for it's own sake, "gaining stuff" and being "beloved" is not what
makes truth worth pursuing.

~~~
babygoat
"We should give up trying" is a straw man - this book is not a teaching nor
does Pirsig come from the Zen tradition. And you've completely missed the
point with respect to objectivity.

------
uoaei
Psychedelic mushrooms, specifically _Psilocybe_ *.

Losing that ego-based view of the world and realizing the interconnectedness
of all things, and feeling that connection at the deepest levels of your
psyche, does wonders for eliminating the adversarial individualism that I feel
generates a lot of issues when enacted in all participants of society. Before,
I had (and admittedly still have) some aspects of my self that, when acting
through them, generate much undue stress in interpersonal relationships. I've
never been particularly social and psychedelics have helped me simultaneously
empathize with my fellow participants and remove the stupid anxieties related
to others' view of you. "L'enfer, c'est les autres" is still very much a part
of my outlook but approaching this mentality from both sides (ego-centric and
ego-dissolved) has made abundantly clear how to manage these anxieties, even
if I still get caught up in them sometimes, leading to destructive behavior.

All interactions are social, and embedded in the expectations and habits of
human participants. At work, in romance, in family, and between friends,
understanding what is meaningful and mutually beneficial interaction is
essential for long-term happiness as a part of society.

\---

A second thing that has helped a lot has been living abroad in very colorful
and international communities. The vast array of perspectives and norms gives
you a wider understanding and a deep empathy for how people can grow up in
flawed societies and how to approach the fostering of your own to overcome
those flaws.

~~~
overcast
I don't advocate drugs in any form, but everyone should experience
hallucinogens at some point in their life. It will change your life, for the
better.

~~~
datpuz
Not everyone*

People with some personality and mood disorders can really be thrown off by
psychedelic experiences. A lot of people really struggle to attain stability
and control in their lives, and I'm not sure they are good candidates for
people who should have their entire reality pulled out from under them.

~~~
uoaei
As always, the key factors are set and setting, i.e., how you are feeling
mentally in terms of your comfort zone and confidence that things will go
well, and the environment in which you have the experience, especially the
kinds of people you surround yourself with.

Meaningful experiences can be had even on quite low doses so I encourage
everyone to at least do some research in good faith. One good place to start
is Erowid.

~~~
Toast_25
It's worth mentioning that if you have bipolar or schizophrenia do NOT trip.
It will most likely trigger an episode.

------
EarthIsHome
Reading. I used to tell myself that I loved to read, but I never read any
books. It was a feel-good saying I told myself because everyone likes to think
they love to read.

The past few years, I started to _actually_ read. I've fallen in love with
reading. The world is more open, my critical analysis is stronger, and my
school and engineering work has improved. Overall, I have a much happier
disposition than before I read.

I don't know whether to attribute this change to reading or maturing; it's
probably a mix of both. However, I think I really enjoy reading now because I
select works that I consider well-written. This single characteristic, reading
something that is well-written, has changed my outlook on reading. There is
some incredible writing out there, and I wish I started reading these pieces
when I was younger.

> A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies... The man who never reads
> lives only one. > > \- George R.R. Martin

Edit for parallelism.

~~~
snausages
What types of books have you read that you've found helped the most with your
critical faculties and such?

This year I've finally got around to Infinite Jest. I don't know that I'm
enjoying the book itself so much as I enjoy the mental exercise that I get
from its reading, if any of that makes sense.

~~~
EarthIsHome
> What types of books have you read that you've found helped the most with
> your critical faculties and such?

In this area, I feel I've learned the most from reading commentary in the New
Yorker.

For enjoyment, I've read:

* Stories of Your Life and Others by Chiang

* The Odyssey translated by Emily Wilson

* What The F by Bergen

* Blindsight by Watts

~~~
davidmr
Have you read any of the other Odyssey translations? I'm very curious Wilson's
translation. I read the Fagles, Latimore, and Fitzgerald translations in
college and did a few weeks of translation myself in our Greek class (I went
to one of those hippy-dippy "Great Books" schools).

I think I was in the minority, but I found the Fagles translation to be far
and away the best. I definitely subscribe more to the school of poetic
translation than literal translation, so I was intrigued by the Wilson
translation. What were your thoughts?

~~~
EarthIsHome
I haven't read Fagles' translation or any others. I wouldn't have picked up
the Odyssey if it weren't for reviews from others [0] and reading articles
[1][2]. I really enjoy her translation, and I wish I could compare hers with
others. As someone who knows very little about Greek mythology, I found her
70-page introduction in the Odyssey to be a great primer on what to expect in
the epic. After her introduction, she has a shorter translator's note
discussing some decisions she made in her translation. If I remember
correctly, she does throw a little shade at other translators in the
introduction or translator's note.

[0]: Comments from other HN readers, some who have read Fagles' translation:
[https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=15624881](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=15624881)

[1]: A note from Wilson in the New Yorker:
[https://www.newyorker.com/books/page-turner/a-translators-
re...](https://www.newyorker.com/books/page-turner/a-translators-reckoning-
with-the-women-of-the-odyssey)

[2]: NYT article: [https://mobile.nytimes.com/2017/11/02/magazine/the-first-
wom...](https://mobile.nytimes.com/2017/11/02/magazine/the-first-woman-to-
translate-the-odyssey-into-english.html?referer=https://news.ycombinator.com/)

------
dijit
Probably being accused of an incredible crime when I was a teenager.

Backstory: I'm nobodies favourite person. Especially in school; I was very
poor, smelled like cigarrettes and quite awkward to be around in general, I
don't blame anyone for any of the bullying but one thing affected me more than
everything else. I don't want to go into detail about what rumour ended up
burning my world down, but it was enough that the mere mention of it got me
expelled and a police investigation was headed up against me.

Obviously, that investigation was fruitless as it was just rumours, however,
it took nearly a year and I missed my GCSE exams (Without which you can't get
a job essentially) by this point and there was no way another school would
touch me.

Being accused like that, being treated like that, it broke me. I thought I was
the lowest rung of society already, but how people acted after that rumour was
spread, how even when I was proven innocent the police still had obvious
disgust when looking at me. It taught me that no matter your circumstances it
can be worse. People knew nothing of me but were glad to accept that I was a
demon and they would not be dissuaded. It meant that preconceived notions are
hard to sway and charisma and charm are the only currency that truly matter.

That arrest is still on my record and when I attempted to visit Canada
recently it was flagged as a reason to deny me entry if I didn't submit proof
that I was not convicted.

I am a different person today, being broken down like that meant I had to
reassemble myself into a person I wanted to be. Being cast aside meant I lost
my roots and could go anywhere (well, not Canada :P), learn anything, be
anyone.

I invented myself out of that, to the person I would prefer to be.

------
kendallpark
Prayer. Though I can't claim to be some rock star prayer monk.

When I was young, I had a routine that on the bus ride to school I would read
a chapter of the Bible then "pray"\--which amounted to jotting down notes in a
journal. My prayer had three sections. In the first section I would reflect on
the previous day and list any wrongs I had committed. This could be as big as
lying to evade punishment or as small as procrastination of a task or envying
another person's accomplishments. In the second section I made a list of
things for which I was thankful. In the last section I jotted down positive
intentions for myself and others. Stuff like, "help me be more humble" or
"please comfort Sarah during her parents' divorce," etc.

Then the bus would pull into the school lot and I would start my day.

I found this sort of self-reflection immensely formative. In the bustle of
everyday life, it is easy to lose context of yourself and how you fit into the
world around you. It was helpful that every day I was reflecting on the great
many blessings I had, my own inadequacies and needs, and the needs of others.
I suspect it made me more likely to apologize to a friend for something snide
I said the other day. And more likely to go out of my way to do something nice
for an acquaintance that was having a hard time. Perhaps this is partially my
own personality, but I was also rather content with my life at all stages,
even during rough times. Cultivating an attitude of thankfulness probably
contributed to that contentment.

When I turned sixteen and started driving to school, my prayer routine went
out the window. It never quite resumed the consistency of those early years.
More recently I've started attending morning prayer at the local parish.

------
enkiv2
About ten years ago, after my grandmother died, I got really into Robert Anton
Wilson. That sort of set the trajectory for the rest of my life.

While I think RAW was wrong about a lot of things, the meta-lesson of erring
on the side of agnosis -- trusting that, when the world doesn't behave in line
with your expectations (and often even when it does) it's because of unknown
unknowns, and that the world is stranger and more complex than any of us can
imagine -- has helped me a lot. It's helped me rein in my control-freak
nature, deal in healthier ways with unexpected events, and get rid of some of
my ego-based fixations on particular mental models that don't survive
collision with reality.

~~~
dx7tnt
I can't agree more with this. Robert Anton Wilson's books are extremely
readable, entertaining, and will definitely help you see a new perspective.
For programmers and tech people I'd recommend RAW above Godel, Escher, Bach,
for example. One of his many intriguing ideas, borrowed from Alfred Korzybski,
is that "The Map is Not the Territory". Always know that whatever map or idea
you have is only ever, at best, a fragmentary and limited version of whatever
in the objective world it's meant to represent. Kudos.

~~~
chubot
Hm I've never heard of RAW, but I will check out his work based on this
thread. From what I see here, if you like his ideas, you might also like the
books of Nassim Taleb (Black Swan, etc.) He has a style that rubs some people
the wrong way, but I believe his ideas are the kind that can "change your
life".

I have been a bit obsessed with the idea that "the map is not the territory".
I think it's because I grew up with some strong mental models that turned out
not to be true.

I used Google and found that I mentioned it at least 3 times on HN, going back
years:

[https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=15866856](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=15866856)
\-- Programmers should learn a little philosophy

[https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7074831](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7074831)
\-- With regard to Taleb, "I share Taleb's problem with models". I compare him
to Nate Silver. I liked Silver's book very much at the time, and saw a lot of
parallels in "learning about the world". (But I have since become disappointed
with Silver.)

[https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7913435](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7913435)
\-- Static typing doesn't prevent the important bugs. Static types are a map;
they're not the territory -- which is runtime behavior, interaction with the
end user, interaction with the world.

I still have this rant a brewing: you cannot learn ANYTHING about the world if
you don't actually run your program! Of course, most people who use static
types do run their programs. But it's not a strawman; there's an extreme
solipsistic school of "modeling with types" where programmers try not to run
their programs and instead rely on the compiler. I suppose this may be
effective for some very limited kinds of software with small interfaces to
"the world" (which includes hardware), but IMO it's the wrong default. You
can't learn anything about hardware without running your program, let alone
end users!

------
ambivalents
Dropping out of law school. Up until that point, my life was heading smoothly
in a pre-established, perfectly reasonable, albeit somewhat boring direction.
I was doing everything "right" and thus my future was bright.

But things went south quickly after my first semester of law school. I
realized how little I had actually examined what I wanted out of life. I
started questioning more, resisting more. I got severely depressed. I slogged
through spring of 1L and a summer internship, and then I just never went back
for 2L.

This was the first moment I exercised real autonomy. It spurred an enormous
period of growth and reflection, that I'm still in today (and believe will
never end, really).

------
danesparza
Marriage, parenting, bankruptcy & then learning proper financial management
from Dave Ramsey, almost getting a divorce and then going to marriage
counseling, OA & other 12 step groups, reading the entire Bible, leaning into
hobbies (like learning electronics, learning guitar), home ownership.

Whew.

Wow. I'm surprised I'm still alive!

------
stef25
Not 100% convinced about it, but I wanted to say: that I stopped smoking pot.

Told myself well in advance that I'd quit 11 months in to my girlfriend's
pregnancy (EDIT - obviously the residual effects are still there. I quit 8
months in to her pregnancy. This is what drugs do, kids.)

Since then (now almost a year later) my ability to comprehend and concentrate
on technical things has improved a lot. I've learn things in web development
that I just couldn't back then. Probably due to the fact I was a daily smoker
for almost 20 years.

~~~
jugg1es
I gotta disagree with you here. I smoke a little bit every day and I've gone
through periods of a month or two without smoking and the only difference I
found was that it was easier to get up in the morning if I didn't smoke the
day before. My cognitive abilities don't seem to be impaired at all. It's
possible that smoking pot for you was associated with other lifestyle affects
(like sleep quality/duration) that were negatively affecting your cognitive
efficiency.

~~~
sigstoat
> My cognitive abilities don't seem to be impaired at all.

do you use some sort of external metrics to verify that?

using the same brain for smoking pot and determining that smoking pot causes
no impairment isn't exactly a well-designed experiment.

~~~
jugg1es
I never claimed to be conducting an experiment. This whole thread is opinion-
based, so I'm not sure why you are holding me to any kind of scientific
standard.

I was simply asserting that I could perceive no difference in my abilities
between times that I smoked and the periods of time where I didn't. At least
not enough where I could make a statement similar to the OP where he detected
a significant improvement in cognitive functioning after quitting.

~~~
DoreenMichele
No, but you did essentially shoot down someone else's statement about what led
to their growth. You can't have it both ways. You can't shoot them down and
assert they are wrong because your experience disagrees with it, then say _it
is all just opinion, man._ Either respect their opinion about their own life
experience or defend your assertion that they are wrong with something
stronger than personal opinion.

~~~
jugg1es
I take your point. I did not intend to shoot them down or suggest that his
personal growth was imaginary.

However, I think you missed the main point of my post, which was to suggest
that perhaps there was a comorbid reason for his perceived cognitive
deficiencies that were not a direct result of marijuana, but related to known
side effects, such as REM sleep disruption.

[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4660250/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4660250/)

~~~
Toast_25
How do you mitigate the effects of marijuana on REM? I (mostly) quit even
light drinking because I need a good nights sleep to function.

I don't smoke much anymore, but more because I don't feel like I have a safe
place to kick back and smoke than anything else. When I do smoke I feel tired
the next day.

~~~
acct1771
Vaporize. Smoking is bad for you, and dehydrates you.

------
DoreenMichele
Not too long ago, I read a piece indicating that growth is held back by our
strengths, not our weaknesses. I have consistently been willing to abandon my
strengths and put myself in situations outside my comfort zone. This has been
a tremendous source of personal growth.

For example, I lived in the same house from age 3 to adulthood. I graduated
high school with some of the same people I had gone to kindergarten with. I
couldn't go anywhere in town without running into people I knew.

Then I became a military spouse and moved elsewhere. I knew no one and the
town was utterly unfamiliar and nothing worked like I thought it would.

Such experiences cast a lot of light on unstated assumptions, why what works
for one person may not work for another, etc.

~~~
shubhamjain
> Not too long ago, I read a piece indicating that growth is held back by our
> strengths, not our weaknesses.

Can you share us that article?

~~~
DoreenMichele
[https://www.ribbonfarm.com/2009/10/07/the-gervais-
principle-...](https://www.ribbonfarm.com/2009/10/07/the-gervais-principle-or-
the-office-according-to-the-office/)

Specifically this section:

[https://www.ribbonfarm.com/2010/04/14/the-gervais-
principle-...](https://www.ribbonfarm.com/2010/04/14/the-gervais-principle-
iii-the-curse-of-development/)

 _Your development is arrested by your strengths, not your weaknesses.

Arrested-development behavior is caused by a strength-based addiction_

------
superasn
I think sticking to things I start has contributed the most personal growth
for me. I think for anything to have any effect on you, you have to stick with
it for at least 6 months or more (though it definitely depends on each
activity).

In the last 2 years I have been able to lose 8kgs, increase my business, cure
my chronic backache and become a lot happier using this one trick of sticking
to things daily without fail.

One thing that has helped me tremendously to keep at it daily is a simple
Google Sheet in which I put my progress daily and it gives me a "X days
streak" using a formula (let me know if you want the template). After a month
when I have a 30 day streak it makes me more and more committed to follow
through and I rarely break my streaks.

P.S. The only thing which this never worked is sleeping at 10
<strike>a.m</strike>p.m. Can't even get a 2 day streak. I guess nothing works
for that :D

~~~
mparr4
I love the "Streaks" mobile app for daily habit tracking. It's simple and
clean.

~~~
rayalez
Also check out [https://helix.startuplab.io](https://helix.startuplab.io)

------
reboog711
Burning out and quitting my job with no plan.

Through word of mouth / networking I got a few consulting gigs and things
snowballed and I've been doing that for 18 years.

When dealing with short-term clients you learn how to swallow your ego and get
things things.

While I can guide/direct on the best approach or technology, the final
decision isn't always mine, and I morph to the demands of the person signing
my checks.

Also learned a lot about communication, marketing, negotiations, finance,
legal, and sales.

~~~
Radim
This! Except without the burn out, and I'd move "sales" from last to first.

Looking back, being more involved in B2B sales (aka straight on the battle
lines) has been absolutely instrumental for my growth.

There's this stereotype (true for me) that us techies need to get better at
listening to people, spotting and reconciling conflicting interests, motives
and objections. Finding common grounds. An increase in empathy, balanced by a
scary loss of ego. Do words like "business value" and "process" sound like
pointy-haired mumbo-jumbo? They did to me, a decade ago.

There's nothing like your livelihood on the line to give self-improvement a
little urgency.

~~~
jackgolding
I want to try this sometime (working in sales) for the same reason

------
fruzz
Most of my growth has been emotional.

When I moved out from my parents place, I was pretty emotionally stunted,
equivalent to a 13 year old. I was repeating the cycle of violence that I had
experienced at home, displaying anger in the same abusive ways that I had
known. At the same time, I was on the receiving end of a physically abusive
relationship; not liking it, but not thinking I could do anything. It was just
a continuation. I had pretty awful views on women and minorities as well,
despite thinking of myself as progressive.

I wish I could say that I realized this and worked on it. I didn't. It took my
ex-boyfriend to stand up to me. It took us seeking couple's therapy together.
Only then did I start to open my eyes, and pro-actively work on my own shit.
I've seen multiple therapists since. I've recognized how past trauma lives in
my everyday, and how to manage it. I've grown tremendously and past what my
parents will ever be capable of.

So what influenced my personal growth the most? That boyfriend who said no,
what you're doing is wrong, and I won't let you do it. And the many times he
had to say it to make it stick.

------
BjoernKW
Freemasonry, which I'd describe as a sort of meta-framework for living a good,
ethical and worthwhile life.

Freemasonry among many other aspects can serve as constant reminder to behave
ethically and make the most of your life.

It also allows to get to know people from all walks of life and backgrounds
that otherwise you probably wouldn't have met. Apart from being a great way to
discover novel ideas and broaden your horizon this also helps with becoming
more tolerant towards others who don't share your background or points of
view.

Although the question implies just one thing I'd also mention having worked as
a paramedic for some time.

~~~
Toast_25
What is being a freemason like?

~~~
BjoernKW
There are perhaps as many specific answers to this question as there are
freemasons.

In a nutshell, being a freemason is about trying to become a better person as
well as trying to help others to do so as well.

Lodges usually meet once a week. Lodge meetings typically consist of open
discussions (excluding arguments about party politics and religion), someone
giving a talk or merely brothers sharing things they might find noteworthy or
interesting to the others.

About once a month there's a special meeting where the Masonic ritual takes
place. This ritual basically is part allegorical play, part lecture and also
includes elements of meditation and contemplation as well as music.

Being a freemason also means being part of worldwide community and therefore
being able to visit fellow brothers in virtually any somewhat larger city (and
many of the smaller ones, too) in the world.

~~~
Toast_25
Sounds really cool! Thanks for explaining!

------
TeMPOraL
As a kid / young teenager - Star Trek, particularly The Next Generation. The
hopeful, utopian world valuing high moral standards, teamwork and competency,
the world that assumed organizations are good and efficient unless proven
otherwise - this world colored my worldview and still determines the kind of
world I'd like to see, and hence what I want to build towards.

As a young adult - LessWrong Sequences. A lot of the topics covered were
something I was thinking about myself, so I kind of got halfway to the same
answers independently, but beyond that, they helped me clarify and sharpen my
thinking about the world.

Beyond that, I had lots of smaller influences. "Getting Things Done" shaped my
thinking about productivity. Writings of Joel Spolsky and Paul Graham made me
discover Lisp and Emacs, which subsequently reshaped a lot about how I
approach programming. Helping set up and then run a Hackerspace taught me much
about interacting with (and trying to coordinate) a group of smart and skilled
people. And then HN contributed a lot to broadening my worldview too.

------
milkytron
I'd have to say my significant other. Before we met I was working at a car
wash, selling weed, and barely passing my classes. She inspired me to be the
best I can be and pushed me out of my comfort zone. Since we met, I got A's in
every class afterwards, built an app that got me a job at a software company,
and now I'm working a job a love at one of the best companies in the industry
with a career I find satisfying.

I attribute a lot of my success to her, although I do know I put in a lot of
the work. I just needed some guidance and motivation and she helped me find
it.

~~~
m_fayer
That's sweet and inspiring. We shouldn't overlook the importance of being
loved by a person that believes in us, can provide just the right kind and
quantity of push, and is truly happy when we're happy.

------
killjoywashere
Getting hit by a car while riding my bicycle home from work. Spent my
convalesence hanging out with my surgeon in clinic and the OR. Ended up going
to medical school, doing research on prostate cancer, then my dad got prostate
cancer while I was in residency, so it became impossible to not do the
research. But to do the research, I had to stay in the good graces of the
residency, which probably is what got me through residency.

Most of the events that influenced my personal growth seem to have been born
from the silver lining of some unforeseeable catastrophe (9/11, Katrina, Rita,
a near drowning, Fukushima). At this point, the list is getting quite long and
I'm probably running out of reasons to not be dead. But whaddaya gonna do?

~~~
Jimpulse
My goodness, were you personally involved in all those events? You seem to
have 9 lives.

------
lolive
Street photography. This is a very relaxing activity, where your brain is at
rest while observing the world and walking.

Good things that happened to me:

I travelled in all the region to diversify my pictures.

I bought the books of master photographs to learn their technics, so I can now
"read" a picture.

And of course I watched a lot of photos on the internet to diversify my
tastes.

Now that I have reached a level that I am proud of, I praise that hobby very
much.

~~~
mitsubishi77
Would you mind sharing which books?

~~~
lolive
A few names come to mind:

Josef Koudelka, Henri Cartier Bresson, Greg Girard, Masahisa Fukase, Sergio
Larrain, Jean Dieuzaide, Hiroshi Sugimoto, Brett Weston, Kourtney Roy, Franco
Fontana.

Searching those names on Google is already a journey by itself.

------
tfolbrecht
Epistemologically, the Internet: As a kid in rural Florida, it was the 3G usb
modem that allowed me to use the internet at home. Hugely pivotal. I could
browse Wikipedia, Hackaday, 4chan, etc when ever I wanted and I just started
chugging.

Negative Socially: 2013, Getting wrongly charged of a crime, going to jail
then having to fight it at 19. really altered my view on how just the world
is. I was verifiably innocent and the ordeal was dragged out for six months.
The terms of my bond made me lose thousands to drug tests and missed work,
then the judge throws it out right before the trial. Still a little angry
about it, but it really opened my mind to the idea of the social injustices
the State can facilitate.

Positive Socially, careerwise: After that, being given the chance to run the
local music store in my city. It was the Marching band and Orchestra sort. It
really helped with social anxiety and learning to talk to people. Before that
I would compulsively rehearse what I would say before I used the phone or
approached someone. Dealing with people made me feel comfortable in my own
skin.

Careerwise: At 22, I worked for one of the largest optical components and
systems manufactures in the world assembling and testing lenses for the optics
in one of Illuminas genomic DNA sequencers. Learned a lot about software,
optics, manufacturing, Six sigma, Lean, corporate/ business stuff.

Career2.0: Starting a Startup. It's confounding, exhilarating, risky, and
hard. The hardest thing I've done so far and I love every minute of it. I
would shill it, but it doesn't face the public yet. I'm very proud.

It's been a journey, these are the moments I feel guided me to who I am.

------
majewsky
Luck.

I was going to reply with a personality trait, but let's be honest, 90%+ of
every success story is plain luck.

~~~
yesenadam
But the question was about personal growth. Bad luck more usually
triggers/catalyzes personal growth, doesn't it? Makes you think, reassess.. So
maybe it's luck to have so much bad luck. (Read the stories of the wisest,
greatest, most.. _personally-grown_ \- the most embiggened - they've had more
than their share of bad luck.)

~~~
majewsky
You're suffering from survivorship bias. When you think about "bad luck", you
seem to be thinking about minor mishaps (along the lines of "what doesn't kill
me makes me stronger"). However, consider the huge number of people which are
literally killed by bad luck (along the lines of "being born in a poor country
with ongoing civil war/without potable water/without enough food"). Or, less
drastically, think about those who are born into relatively poor families, are
thus never properly nurtured (because their parents are too busy earning money
to feed them etc.) and fail to realize their potential.

For example, going back to the original question, one huge factor of my early
personal growth was that I had relatively wealthy and caring parents who could
afford to send me to a good school, to music lessons etc., and who pushed me
to realize my potential. Being born to such parents is sheer luck. All the
other important people that I met in my life, that's luck, too. (At least by
Occam's Razor. I obviously cannot know how my life would've looked if I had
taken a different path.)

------
i_feel_great
The end of a horrible relationship. I got so much more time to do things for
myself.

------
JoshMnem
I did a lot of "naked* into the wilderness"-style survival training when I was
younger. It showed me that I could reach what I thought were my absolute
limits of physical and mental exhaustion, and then push _far_ past them. It
changed me from someone who frequently gave up to someone who doesn't give up.

This school[1] is a good place to start (though I haven't been there since the
1990s). I highly recommend this kind of wilderness training.

[1] [https://www.boss-inc.com/](https://www.boss-inc.com/)

* not literally naked, but meaning that the goal is to remove the equipment-lifeline back to society. No gear is allowed except what you create yourself (stone knives, brain-tanned deer hide, etc.).

~~~
Toast_25
Thanks, this is really interesting to me.

~~~
JoshMnem
If you have questions, feel free to send me a message. I went to a variety of
"primitive wilderness skills" training programs over an 8-10 year period, but
that one was the most field-based. My email address is on my profile.

------
hdkrgr
Living abroad for extended period(s) of time.

~~~
codemati
Can you elaborate? For pleasure or for work? How long?

~~~
hdkrgr
My first experience was spending a year abroad in High School when I was 15.
(Classical exchange program managed by one of the big non-profit orgs.) So I
lived with a host family and was fully immersed in my host country's culture.

I kind of consider that experience the beginning of my conscious development
of my own personality. Completely changing your point of view and starting off
as an outsider in almost every situation (language barriers + cultural norms)
really makes you reconsider so many details of things you always took for
granted. I'd say you learn more about your own culture and country than about
the host country. After that you will just naturally acknowledge that lots of
things are arbitrary rather than god-given. This in turn I believe leads to
the next step of realization that you can design and shape things rather than
having to accept the status-quo as is.

After that I first got involved as a volunteer in my exchange organization,
and later lived abroad two more times (in university and for work) while also
naturally surrounding myself with people who had similar 'changes of
perspective' in my social life. I find that those people are generally
extremely curious, open, driven and generally inspiring.

------
itengelhardt
I'd have to say mostly sweets and cakes ;-)

------
bernardino
What influenced my personal growth the most? Becoming aware that there is no
need to be anything special.

------
nwenzel
Getting older, getting married, having kids, living in different parts of the
country in different types of cities. Basically anything new gives you a
broader perspective.

------
virmundi
A long, deep struggle with God. I've always been a believer, but often a half-
hearted one. Fortunately, I've been put through many economic issue to learn
my dependency is not on myself, or other, or money, but Yahweh and him alone.

I quit my job, moved to Florida to support my wife. I had 50k in the bank, so
I figured I'd be fine. We bought an old house that we always wanted. It passed
inspection.

Then we found out that the chimney's had to be rebuilt. 18k gone. Found out
later that the company that rebuilt the chimney's scammed us. They're solid,
but not properly fixed. That was crushing. I prayed and found comfort in the
fact that this was part of God's plan to say that my money will come and go,
but I needed to trust in him.

Saved up money over the course of the next year. 150k in the bank. Thought
that I'd be fine. I can finally focus on my software.

Turns out that a lot of my self-image was wrapped up in being the expert for
others. I needed to be the Tech Lead. I needed to hear how great the solutions
I made were. Now I'm alone in a small office everyday. Depression set in.

I didn't get much accomplished during that time. Drank more. Ate terribly
(fast food twice a day for a year). Gained weight. Wouldn't pray much.

Then we found out that the house was missing a sill beam (true 8"x8" bean that
held up 7 feet of the 40ft tall wall). I could't get anyone to help. So here I
am with money, but that won't do anything since no one wants to take it.

After all this I finally decided to surrender. I cut back drinking. I'm trying
to go Keto. I read to my wife from the Bible every night. I finally learned to
internalize the song I've known since my youth, Through It All,
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ouJ8JOzdjrc](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ouJ8JOzdjrc)

------
icc97
Rowing for 3 years and rowing coaching for 2 years after that.

Turned a skinny geek into a less skinny geek with a girlfriend.

The skill of rowing is very well suited to geeks.

The confidence I generated from rowing stayed with me, for decades now.

Doesn't mean I'm that confident, but pretty much all the confidence I do have
comes from that intense period.

------
psyc
I would say role models. I've always enjoyed reading biographies and
biographical information about people with various qualities I admire. I won't
tell you which people, lest a dozen cynics seek to educate me about those
people's unforgivable atrocities against humanity.

------
busterarm
Conversations with a very supportive close friend who was finishing school and
starting the career that I wanted. That along with reading this site years
ago.

After enough conversations I started to realize that I knew this stuff
already, that my instincts were right and that I could make a career out of
development. I had and sometimes continue to have pretty significant self-
esteem issues that held/hold me back.

I was finally motivated out of earning a low wage and taking a big risk on
switching careers. So after the first time taking risks and going after the
hardest challenge I could find, I've repeated that process and it pays off
every time.

I've doubled my income about three times since then, have grown up quite a bit
and can finally say that I'm approaching a happy place in my life.

------
declancostello
Starting therapy. It's been amazing to help overcome anxiety that was holding
me back for years.

------
tammer
Leadership training. I always thought "leadership" was a nebulous concept that
you achieved solely through experience. I later learned that there is an
entire curriculum of exercises and reflections one can do to improve their
desire and ability to step up.

~~~
elt0r0
Do you have recommendations or specifics?

~~~
tammer
Specifically I went through a rapid phase of personal development at the
People's Action weeklong immersion training[1] (and am pursing becoming a
trainer myself). Although of course this is non-tech related & there are
likely other resources for this type of curriculum. Certainly worth seeking
out.

[1]:
[https://peoplesaction.org/institute/](https://peoplesaction.org/institute/)

------
zzenon
Stoicism Philosophy

~~~
kramer1416
Could you elaborate a little?

------
hypertexthero
The First and Last Freedom by Jiddu Krishnamurti

[https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/64710.The_First_and_Last...](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/64710.The_First_and_Last_Freedom)

------
scirocco
Exercise, and books. To name a few (in no particular order):

"Choose Yourself" by James Altucher "Think and Grow Rich" by Napoleon Hill
"Mindset" by Carol Dweck "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale
Carnegie

------
wastedhours
Working in "edge" roles. I've always been the "digital" expert in teams I've
worked in, and doing so has meant I've been partly responsible for building up
organisational knowledge on all kinds of things that (as far as the org is
concerned) have never existed before.

Now that "digital" is baked into most marketeer's roles, I'm looking for the
next frontier to build across. Probably AR or machine learning.

My personal remit has always been to make myself redundant, it's always pushed
me to explore the novel and build out the next set of skills to make myself
relevant when my current "edge" becomes the norm.

------
snow_mac
In 2017, I starting going to therapy to deal with depression and anxiety. I
also started working out at a local gym and lost 35 pounds. I'm able to cope
with my depression and anxiety much better.

------
sebastianconcpt
Knowing about the Conspicupus Signalling Theory (Geoffrey Miller's book).
Understanding how flirting really works with Dan Bacon's The Flow. Meditation
and going beyond materialism by experiencing many lucid OBEs. Jordan Peterson
in general and self authoring in special. Understanding how poisonus
Postmodernism is (Stephen Hicks book). Understanding how the Cultural War
works (a global issue). Becoming a socratic method aficionado. Having a
financially independent friend to become my financial mentor.

------
pori
Coming out.

Before doing so, I closed myself off from all manner of emotion, creativity,
and honesty. I tried to be invisible. I closed myself off from people. I lived
in my own mind. Being closeted led me to compensate by leading a double life
that hurt a lot of people.

But now it's different. I am now doing my best work, I am exploring new things
to try and learn, and I have many wonderful relationships that makes me happy
to be alive. For the first time, I really feel like I'm living life.

------
mathattack
A string of good mentors at companies where this was a valued activity.
(Though it left me wholly unprepared at places where that’s not the norm)

------
joslin01
Probably breaking up with my 5yr girlfriend at ~26

~~~
teacpde
It resonates with me. I thought I knew what is love and I was doing it
alright, I was wrong. It changed my understanding of relationship. Looking
back I really appreciate it.

------
CodeWriter23
An open mind.

I have many personal growth experiences, all of them candidates to be the most
influential. Perhaps each was most influential at the time of the experience.

But there was one thing common to all of those experiences, having an open
mind. With maybe a little discernment. One can say “No” and still maintain an
open mind, if the “No” is more of a “not right now”.

------
twobyfour
Several years working freelance. Gave me the freedom to arrange my schedule to
allow time for thought and introspection.

~~~
southcarolina68
Amazing

~~~
twobyfour
Is that sarcasm?

------
segmondy
A growth mindset. Knowing that it's possible for me to grow and be better if I
applied myself.

------
serpix
Divorce, second breakup from a BPD person, meditation, tantra, yoga and ultra
running. There are moments in ultra running and tantra that transcend
everything, a glimpse of enlightenment and the simplicity of life that make
you get through anything life throws at you.

------
bsvalley
Just looking around me, friends, colleagues, neighbors, etc. see how I could
do better. It sounds pretty bad but the people around me influence my personal
growth. I love to push boundaries and explore things that haven't been
explored yet.

------
ux4
Practicing meditation and giving all my effort for an achievement I thought
was unreachable.

Before I learned how to meditate, I thought of everything logically and
incorrectly applied that to relationships as well. I found it incredibly hard
to understand other people, their motivations, and why they acted certain
ways. I wondered why so many of my relationships failed out of no where and
why it was so hard to connect with other people. After I observed my
background processes with the help of meditation, I realized that people act
primarily out of emotion, not logic.

This is where I made leaps in emotional growth. I realized that I had many
emotional processes running in the background, like daemons of an operating
system. The majority of these processes were subconscious and unaware to me,
yet they were impacting every decision I've ever made! Subconscious sensations
of fear, sadness, and anger that were influencing my conscious mind. Before
someone even considers the logic of a question, they've already made an
emotional answer. I could write a book on this, but Thinking, Fast & Slow by
Daniel Kahneman explains this so much better. Once I realized this and
confronted my inner demons, the behavior of other people was much more
manageable.

Reaching an achievement that I thought was unreachable was life changing as
well. On my final semester of college, I had a senior project that was out of
my skill level, but it was required for my degree. Without any background in
development, I had to develop a web application for a customer, with an entire
LAMP stack behind it. I came from a Windows background so I had to learn Linux
administration as well as 3 new programming languages within 2 months. I
worked extremely hard on it, but did not receive any input from the customer.
The due date rolled around and the project inevitably did not meet the his
expectations, so he pleaded with the professor to fail me so I would have to
retake the class (and he would get more free labor). Despite all that work,
the professor gave me a big fat F and I was unable to graduate. The night I
got that email I felt so crushed and defeated, I couldn't sleep and developed
a stomach ulcer.

But I didn't give up. I petitioned for a grade revision, I had no other
choice. I made an 8-page report explaining that I completed everything the
customer agreed to in the project proposal. I presented it to the department
head, but he said there was no case. I presented it to the grading committee,
and to my luck, they accepted my case. They gave me a second chance to
complete a revision of the project and I would receive a passing grade in
return. The only problem was that the customer was asking for a task that was
not possible with the application and I had 2 weeks, Christmas vacation.
Despite that I was determined. I developed an extension for the application
that accomplished his goal. After turning that project in, the professor
awarded me an A in the class, I got my degree cum laude, and I realized the
limits I can push my mind and body. Anything you want in life can be achieved,
despite the obstacles, you just need to spend enough time and effort on it.

------
DrNuke
Being able to detach myself from all and everyone at will since I was a kid
has been a blessing in disguise in terms of personal growth but it earned me
soon a mr Spock kind of reputation ehehe.

------
hydandata
Without an inkling of doubt, Richard W. Hamming lectures and the book based on
them “The Art of Doing Science and Engineering, Learning to Learn”. Nothing
has had a greater impact on me.

------
preordained
Some guy on a forum running circles around a group of us doing some
golf/puzzle programming in Haskell. Made me realize how much I had to learn,
got me into functional programming.

------
pruthvishetty
\- Reading (especially, Inner Engineering by JV)

\- Listening (Farnam Street/Knowledge Project podcast)

\- Speaking with the many smart folks I meet at work/school/meetups.

\- Realizing how little I know.

------
southcarolina68
Realize that what i least liked about me was me a part of me I was that
person- it gave me the leeway to appreciate my humanity to put myself in your
shoes

------
privethedge
Scepticism.

~~~
ukulele
I very much doubt that.

~~~
privethedge
I doubt that you doubt it.

~~~
dx7tnt
I think all three of you are wrong.

~~~
yesenadam
PYRRHONISM, n. An ancient philosophy, named for its inventor. It consisted of
an absolute disbelief in everything but Pyrrhonism. Its modern professors have
added that. – Ambrose Bierce, _Devil’s Dictionary_

------
baconomatic
After having my first child and deciding I want my kids (and to a lesser
extent me) to be proud of what I've done with my life.

------
Mo3
Meditation

------
cvaidya1986
Meditation, continuous learning by doing and listening to quality people and
creative endeavors.

------
andrewjl
Ten minutes of meditation done daily. The benefits compound exponentially over
time.

------
vajrapani666
I started writing myself weekly letters. I would, in narrative form: tell
myself what I really enjoyed; what was stressful; and what didn't work out. I
came up with a list of affirmations and things to keep in mind for the coming
week. I would treat the suggestions I came up with as "sudo me" and put in
extra effort to abide by them.

Over the course of several months, this weekly process got me into a
trajectory of positive self-improvement. I went vegan, started exercising
regularly, began drinking tons of water every morning, started daily
meditation, and put in place several behavioral controls around going out late
at night.

The process was so successful, that I began doing something similar at the
beginning of every month. I would lay out high level goals for the month, and
list the major events I needed to prepare for. I would go over my overall
level of happiness the previous month and identify trends from the weekly
letters and come up with powerful ultimatums for the coming month.

The process worked so well, that when 2018 started, I spent 2 weeks going over
the month-letters of the previous months and worked on distilling high-level
intentions and affirmations for the coming year.

The biggest changes that have come out of this process are my focus on
meditation and how I care for my body and mind. Through this process, I've
identified my weaknesses in communication and self-care and flooded myself
with resources and lectures to help me develop those skills.

Through this process, I've taken courses on REBT, NLP, NVC, and Public
Speaking. I've focused on my written and verbal communication skills. It's now
infinitely easier to speak to my co-workers, friends, partner and family. I'm
not rushing around before events. I almost never feel stressed out, because
I've went through taking-care of myself in advance.

TL;DR; Treating myself like a team has opened up a new way to pour energy into
my personal growth.

Here's a list of the resources that have helped me grow in the last few
months.

\- _World Peace Diet_ by Will Tuttle

\- _The Artist's Way_ by Julia Cameron

\- Non Violent Communication
([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4LuPCAh9FCc](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4LuPCAh9FCc))

\- All of Shani Raja's courses on writing

    
    
      - Punctuation mastery
    
      - Secret sauce of great writing
    
      - Writing like a ninja
    

\- Julian Treasure's courses on listening and speaking

\- REBT by Libby Sery on Udemy

\- Alinksky's _Rules for Radicals_

\- Insight Timer

    
    
      - Meditations by Sarah Blondin
    

Edits: Punctuation, Resources

------
tastyham
Luck

------
m_fayer
Repeatedly taking jobs outside of my "core competency".

Perspective taking.

------
shujito

      - self learning
      - people that pushed me to do new stuff

------
amorphid
Praying for success, running out of money, and becoming homeless.

------
julox
track all my habits. It allowed me to become aware of all the important habits
I'm doing in a day, to see the historical data and to select ones and discard
others.

------
zmoreira
4 months of mandatory training in the Portuguese Army.

------
emalquier
the books I read, the TED talks I watched and the people I met!

------
aalleavitch
The internet.

------
IMTDb
Side projects

