
Ask HN: Co worker does not like me - 0x400614
	Hey HN. I was made aware that a co worker does not like me this week. He told an employee that sits next to me that he thinks I&#x27;m condescending. This made for very awkward team vibe when this person is around. How would you suggest I handle this situation?
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d4rkph1b3r
That doesn't mean they don't like you. Plenty of my friends can be
condescending. _shrug_

It's common (and sometimes necessary) to be condescending. So, make up for it
by having an excess of goodwill. Give praise when you can, smile, try to be
friendly, vocalize your self awareness etc.

When you realize you may have said something condesending, say "sorry, that
may have come out wrong, I didn't mean it personally. Some people say I'm
_____ but I don't mean to be". That's the kind of thing that won't necessarily
make your coworkers think you _aren 't_ condescending, but they may still like
you.

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chrisbennet
Ask your self if you truly treat the person who thinks you are condescending
the same as the person who doesn't think you are condescending.

For example, it isn't uncommon for males to to be totally oblivious to the
fact that they treat their female colleagues in a condescending fashion but
not their male colleagues.

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nazgul1
Hiya. You can do two things -- one, take it personally and get upset, and have
things be awkward. Or two, take this a chance to get some feedback about
yourself and see if you need to improve. Who told you about the comment? Can
you ask that person if they agree? You could even approach the employee, say
you heard that and that you genuinely apologize if you came off that way, and
that you'd love to know what exactly it was so you can make sure not to do it
again.

I really think you can turn this from something awkward to something positive
with the right attitude.

~~~
0x400614
No other team members do not think that. My close co worker friend also
disagreed, and I do believe her, because we are close. The person who told my
source (person who sits next to me), had his friend (co worker) next to him as
well, and his friend disagreed with him that I am condescending. This person
that believes I am has not made any effort to confront me on this issue. Based
on the current evidence, he doesn't know that I know what he said.

~~~
balls2you
Talk to the person who says you're condescending and ask them for situations
where you were. Then analyze whether you were or not. The problem with a lot
of developers/scientists/"people who have been told they are smart all their
life" is that they may think they're making a point or describing something
but most of them can be condescending because they think they are always
right. It is an attitude change.

If you cannot confront your critics, you cannot correct yourself if you're in
the wrong. Also it will help you maneuver social situations better.

To be or not to be condescending - that is a situation that needs to be
understood, before you actually act it.

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tmpforareason
Sometimes people do those type of things to effect your balance. Be your self,
listen the feedback and backpropogate any improvements and move on. Most
likely you are a head of things and they want you to slow down for them to
catch up.

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RollAHardSix
I've found that people who think negatively about others tend to have more
than a few problems of their own. I wouldn't do or change anything, he's just
a coworker, you'll have dozens if not hundreds of them.

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whatok
How does it make things awkward for you? I wouldn't necessarily dismiss it out
of hand without some self-reflection but you can't let what others think of
you affect your performance.

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skylark
If you have a tactful manager, bring it up in your next one on one. Your
manager is in a unique position to handle these sorts of issues because they
can gently probe for information and give more unbiased feedback than your
coworkers.

That said, clumsy help is worse than none. If your manager is not particularly
political then you can disregard that advice entirely.

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logical42
I would personally try to be nicer to said individual and at the same time not
really worry about it.

Life. Sometimes people won't like you.

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sjg007
Read Crucial Conversations and apply what you learn there.

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nicholas73
Apologize like you mean it and everyone moves on.

