
Ask HN: How to not bring emotion from work back home? - steve371
Even after working so many years. I still get moment that I want to snap. Any way to not bring emotion from work back  home?<p>Workout usually will just make me more angry.<p>Meditation&#x2F;music can only help when you are not at the edge point.<p>Talk to people helps. But one person can only bear with you for so much. Even though it is a good friend&#x2F;love you very much.<p>Even tried chatbot. Again, not working when at the edge point.
======
cientifico
Workout, meditation, distraction, talking with people didn't work for me. They
were ways to silent the emotions and postpone the problem.

What worked for me was a lot of self reflexion. Understanding way I was angry
in the first place.

I found out that happiness is just the way of approaching things. That the
world is just a projection on your head. An interpretation of the five senses
+ state (learned experience mostly).

Changing the input, just mades you an slave of the environment. Changing the
state, gives you back control over your feelings.

If you reflect about why the feelings appear in your mind that generates
stress, anger, you can start accepting them, welcoming them, until the point
you no longer get anger, or stress...

For me, it become a routine. A) a way to trigger the self reflexion, or
consciousness while stress happens B) find the reason for the feelings.

Example: People don't understand what I say, and then do other things. It
bring up fear, rejection, mostly coming from childhood. Ok. I converted an
unknown unknown into a know unknown. I excuse my self and decide if better
communication skills is a task that I am willing to commit learning, on that
case I do, or I just acknowledge that I often going to have mistakes and laugh
about it.

Time over time, I was able to have happier live. Even enjoying the sadness
that sometimes generates things not going the way I wanted at work.

~~~
koliber
I really like your explanation. Incidentally, what you describe in paragraphs
2+ is what I understand "meditation" to be.

You mentioned that meditation did not work for you. Can you explain what you
take "meditation" to mean? It may help me and others what meditation is and
what it strives to achieve.

~~~
edwinyzh
Precisely, it's Vipassanā
([https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vipassan%C4%81](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vipassan%C4%81)),
the original wisdom developed by the Buddha.

~~~
japano1se
Or is it? There's not much evidence that the Vipassanā of modern practice is
_exactly_ as Siddhartha Buddha taught it:
[https://vividness.live/2011/07/07/theravada-reinvents-
medita...](https://vividness.live/2011/07/07/theravada-reinvents-meditation/)

------
nyxtom
I know some people here have suggested jumping to another position, which
certainly is a viable option, but consider the fact that emotional hardship
will always occur in our lifetimes. Similarly, it's worth gaining some self-
awareness around why things are activating, whether they be good or bad
(activating or deregulating your system in a heightened state or a low-energy
state).

My advice is see a therapist on a somewhat regular basis; we are quick to
ensure that we always keep our bodies in check and healthy but rarely do we
consider that perhaps mental therapy is also something we should do regularly.
You've said it yourself, talking to people helps; my suggestion is see a
therapist, it is their job to help you gain introspection and be your guide;
and in general give you a safe space to express how you really feel and what's
activating it (good or bad, ups and downs). It's helpful to have multiple
people that you can lean on for this thing, a therapist might help guide you
towards creating a community of people that you rely on.

~~~
m_fayer
I like the analogy to body maintenance.

I think we should just admit that therapists have two modes - an acute mode
for treating the mentally ill, and a "personal trainer" mode. With the latter,
therapists do the same for the mind that personal trainers do for the body:
they teach you to feel and occupy your mind so you best know how to gain
strength, avoid injury, and move with economy and grace. They catch bad
postures and minor twinges before they lead to strain and injury. They
identify and strengthen weak points in order to keep the whole thing in
balance.

You can live without a therapist-trainer just like you can live life without a
personal trainer. But those lucky enough to have one will live a life with
less injury and hardship, and have accomplishment and contentment within
easier reach.

People in "life-long therapy" tend to be the objects of ridicule. But IMO many
of them (maybe unconsciously?) are actually onto something - that lifelong
therapy is actually a pretty good idea. Maybe they keep coming back not
because they are self-involved and enjoy drama, but because they've found
that, even though they can do without just fine, they do much better with.

~~~
nyxtom
I have an awesome therapist that I see on a regular basis. Much of the
conversations range from your everyday emotional highs and lows to diving
deeper into the neuroscience of behavior and activating memories. When you
approach emotional experience with the full depth that your mind brings to it,
you can begin to understand what drives you; but more importantly, at least
for me, it creates a tremendous amount of grace and compassion towards how you
treat yourself. It has taught me to allow myself to feel compassion for when I
am angry, or sad, even overly optimistic and happy. But more importantly I
understand the value of impermanence, and repairing and reconciling the issues
(issues btw which can be positive experiences as well, not just negative
experiences) we face with each other and ourselves.

~~~
m_fayer
I'd also add to your list of value that you begin to understand, embrace, even
love the full depth of human fallibility/frailty. Sounds like you have a good
thing going.

------
humanrebar
My personal answer is that I'm a Christian and the teachings of the Bible
directly address these issues.

Some of it involves a different worldview. Changing the world becomes both
less important and more possible. It becomes easier to prioritize important
things in life like caring for loved ones or for others who need help. The
conflict of the day, whether political, personal, or work related, doesn't
endanger the purpose of my life. The worth of my life is no longer defined by
"success", power, happiness, or winning.

All this ties back, of course, to the Christ of the bible and His teachings.
Ecclesiastes is also a powerful book when I'm feeling cynical. I honestly feel
both Christ and Ecclesiastes are at time cynical and curmudgeonly; the
positive examples are helpful to me. Reading and praying (about the reading,
about life) probably serve the same purposes as the meditation techniques
espoused in this thread, but it is more than just body hacking.

> Talk to people helps. But one person can only bear with you for so much.
> Even though it is a good friend/love you very much.

Talking to my church family and to a much greater extent God doesn't have the
same issue. A healthy church family is a bigger group, all of whom are
dedicated to your health in every way. And God has more than enough attention
and patience for me.

In general people don't appreciate talk about religion, but people are
advocating cycling, meditation, yoga, and major career changes. I hope a
suggestion to read a bit of the Bible, say a few prayers, and trying something
new Sunday morning isn't far off base.

For what it's worth, I've prayed for you Steve, that you can find emotional
health and success in your life.

~~~
maroonblazer
>Reading and praying (about the reading, about life) probably serve the same
purposes as the meditation techniques espoused in this thread, but it is more
than just body hacking.

Having been raised Catholic and now a practitioner of meditation for many
years my experience is that meditation is nothing like prayer nor does prayer
confer the same benefits as meditation. I've found meditation to be much more
effective.

~~~
christophilus
I'm also Catholic, and was looking at becoming a Trappist monk a few years
ago. I just wanted to mention that there are many forms of prayer, many of
which are nothing like meditation.

But there is at least one form of prayer, known as contemplative prayer, which
is very like meditation. It consists primarily in being in the moment,
stilling your mind, quieting your heart, sitting still, and breathing deeply.
It's an ancient form of prayer dating back to the desert fathers.

The purpose of it is to allow God to overtake you, to be receptive to him.
Sometimes this happens, but many times, it's just you sitting in silence with
God, often, not even really aware of him.

This is by far my favorite form of prayer. Unfortunately, most people never
seem learn about it, and instead are taught to be chatty, repeating rote
prayers, or rattling off prayer requests or whatever.

------
tomashertus
The thread is full of great answers and advices, but I haven't came across
this one:

I was dealing with similar situation like you. I had a hard time to find peace
after work at home. I was looking for advices around and once came across an
article(I can't find the article) which recommended that you should not stop
doing activities which you liked as a child when you are an adult.

When I was thinking about it, that was exactly what I did. I stopped doing
things which I enjoyed when I was a kid. I used to play a lot of Age of
Empires and loved that and did competitive swimming. So I started with the
swimming and it helped me both mentally and physically. After a year or so, I
started slipping back to the same routine as before and not even the swimming
was helping. I tried to do some research on the Age of Empires thing and
installed it to my laptop after 10 years or so. Since then the strategy for me
in critical situations is:

1st - Go swimming/biking/running, try to sweat it out. 2nd - If 1. does not
work(happens like once in couple of months). Play some freaking Age of Empires
for 6+ hours straight 3rd - If 1. and 2. fail, talk with people

Firstly, this sounded really silly to me and I think once I have kinds this
won't even be an option, but in my current situation this small hack works
pretty well for me.

~~~
jypepin
this resonates a lot. I recently moved and now I have the space for a desk at
home which allows me to play video games again, which I loved doing at a kid
(starcraft, etc) and had to stop doing due to space for 4-5 years.

Now that I picked up video games again, I feel better and it's the best way
for me to get my mind off work!

~~~
tomekowal
I feel like StarCraft and RTSes in general work really well in this scenario,
because they occupy every brain cell available. Concentrating really hard on
something non work related totally resets the brain.

~~~
distances
And as a downside, I need to stop playing well before going to sleep. Trying
to sleep right after a multi-hour game session is a surefire way for me to lie
awake in bed for a couple of hours.

------
dizzystar
If you have a terrible job, no amount of therapy, exercising, and drinking
will help you here.

You need to find a new job, plain and simple.

If it's your 10th job and you are feeling like this still, you have to figure
out if it is bad luck (it _does_ happen) or if it's something with you. Either
way, it is sort of you, since you managed to keep finding and stepping into
jobs you are unhappy at. Certainly, a hint or two during the interviewing
stage was overlooked.

~~~
RUG3Y
I agree with this. If you're a reasonably balanced person (meaning, the
problem isn't just you) and your job makes you feel like garbage, you should
try to find something else. I know it's not that easy -- I've been in the same
situation. I've finally moved on and I'm in a _great_ place. I had no idea
that life could be this good.

~~~
mental_
How long have you been in this job?

~~~
RUG3Y
I've been at this new job for only a short time, so I'm aware that my
perceptions can and most likely will change over time, but even if I compare
my first couple of weeks at both companies, the new one has an infinitely
better environment.

~~~
mental_
Awesome, best of luck!

~~~
RUG3Y
Thanks!

------
naikrovek
If covered by insurance, speak to a therapist weekly. Unless you are in one of
a handful of professions, your work is nothing that warrants this amount of
stress. No one is going to die.

There's tons of things that happen at an employer that are wrong, and that are
stupid and that are complete nonsense.

There are things that you must simply let slide. Things that truly do not
matter. Very few things REALLY matter. Very few things, and none of those
things are the day-to-day work life.

Speak to a therapist regularly for a few years. One that specializes in trauma
survivors.

~~~
jupiter90000
I'd second this, even if insurance doesn't cover it and you can find a way to
pay for it.

I'd also recommend trying something like an intensive therapeutic seminar:
[https://www.themeadows.com/workshops/survivors-i-
workshop](https://www.themeadows.com/workshops/survivors-i-workshop)

If you don't like therapy, maybe something like Landmark:
[http://www.landmarkworldwide.com](http://www.landmarkworldwide.com)

Some people put down therapy and taking care of themselves in general, my
guess is because it takes alot of courage to actually address dysfunction with
themselves. I've been that person at times too, in general though I've tried
alot of these things and I don't regret having gone through them and I felt
better coming through the other side of my own shit.

~~~
djeikyb
Strongly recommend avoiding Landmark and things like it. At least extensively
research it. Landmark has a reputation for psychologically abusing and
damaging participants. It has the flavour of an a-religious for-profit cult.
Here's one story of many:
[http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2009/08/landmark-42-hour...](http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2009/08/landmark-42-hours-500-65-breakdowns/)

------
grandalf
I suggest doing something between work and home that you enjoy and that can
fully distract you from work. Some hobbies are like this... an hour doing it
and you will pretty much forget your work "self". Don't feel the need for it
to be productive or purposeful.

I think much of the bad stress we get in jobs comes from our deeper
understanding that the work is pretty pointless or simply unimportant to us.
The idea of that (pointless) thing being who we are for most of our waking
life is maddening.

Also, few of us are in high status positions at work (simply because of the
typical hierarchical structure) even if the job or company is prestigious.
Being in a low status role creates significant fatigue, stress, and anxiety,
and is often the hardest to shake off at the end of the day when we are around
true _equals_ such as friends or loved ones.

So the best thing to do is to find work that feels more like play. But if you
can't manage to do that, at least force yourself to play a bit after work to
take the edge off. I recommend against making it about food or drink, since
indulging provides a psychological salve that mutes the stress but does not
truly evict it from your consciousness the way play does.

~~~
analog31
Playing music does it for me. It's not just concentrating on the music itself,
but also, hanging out with a group of people who are practically a different
culture than the tech scene.

For instance, I have had band mates who were voluntarily homeless, or who
really just don't get the whole idea of showing up somewhere for regular paid
employment. Some are certifiably crazy. The problems that are so urgent to me,
they react with curious amusement, or just don't even give a rat's arse.

Noting another post in the thread, the regulars at the bar are probably
another such culture.

------
pc86
Well by definition it's harder to come back from that edge. The whole point of
regular exercise, meditation, and reflection is to not get there in the first
place.

Stop trying to fix the symptoms, fix the cause. Why does work of all things
make you this angry? Is it a lack of control? Would you be happier running
things or doing consulting? Is it the project(s)? People/a particular person?

Stop trying to get rid of the cough and start trying to get rid of the
illness. It _is not normal_ to get so angry at work that you bring it home.

~~~
canes123456
Very true. I would also add therapy. There is no way for "work" to get you
this mad this often. The things that are making you angry at work are
triggering deeper and more personal issues. Usually when I am angry, the root
is a sense of guilt about something else.

------
Mz
I have known a number of people, including my ex, who needed some time to
successfully make the transition without bringing baggage home. When my ex was
having a bad day at work, he would come home and spend about an hour on his
computer before he could talk with me without it going weird places. I have
had conversations with people who talked about "Yeah, this is the real reason
I stop at my favorite pub on the way home. Not for the beer per se, but so I
have some time to myself between work and home."

You might also try working on this nutritionally. I have recently had good
results with upping my consumption of vitamin C to get excess anger under
control.

~~~
cbanek
One thing I noticed was when I had a longer commute (maybe 20-30 minutes), I
felt like there was more of a disconnect between home and work (the drive, the
520 bridge specifically). Then I felt like I was wasting too much time, so I
moved closer to work. I really did feel like I took more of it home just
because I was closer to home.

Sometimes it does just take some time to decompress, no matter what you're
spending that time doing.

~~~
zanny
Driving mad is generally bad for your health in that angry drivers are much
more likely to drive recklessly and get into accidents. Unless you can put
yourself on a road somewhere where there is nobody to piss you off (and even
then, some roadwork is going to happen more often than you would hope that
makes you mad) it can just make anger worse.

------
falsedan
Always be working

Melt down at work in a spectacular fashion

Engage in a campaign of passive-aggresive attacks on the team causing your
anger, explain it as an attempt to use negative feedback to get their working
habits to change

Never admit your mistakes; make sure any mistakes you make regarding those
teams' responsibilities are swiftly swept under the rug

Conflate your productivity with the company's: anything that slows you down is
bad for all devs & the business's bottom line

~~~
ianai
Budding dictator right there.

------
johngalt
The best way to not bring all that emotion home is not to have it in the first
place.

Anger is caused by frustration is caused by desire.

People who dont give a damn about their jobs clock out at 4:56 and rest easy.
The people who burn out or 'snap' are the ones whom take the most pride in
their work. Learn to care less about your job.

If you already have the emotions built up, then simply recognize that fact and
take them apart. Writing letters you dont send works pretty well.

~~~
omegaworks
> learn to care less about your job.

This. This 100x over. Present your opinions, back them up with data /
rationale, and if they don't go with them: water off a duck's back. It's their
mistake if it works out poorly, or you learn something new if it works out
great.

If you have employers that don't let you practice this "giving fewer fucks"
attitude, or hold it against you wrt career progression, that's when you start
looking for somewhere else to work. No employees should have to physically or
emotionally harm themselves as a part of their job. If it's not your company
(you don't have founder-level equity) then it's not worth your health. It's
arguably NEVER worth your health, even if you are a founder.

~~~
crpatino
It is an important life skill, cannot be denied.

However, I cannot stop noticing that all the worst traits of the software
industry start with the talented professionals amoungst us "caring less" about
their jobs; and then the bozos running the show are free to go around wanking
their minds and fucking up everything for everyone. If you ask the authors of
every monstrosity out there, they will claim the Nuremberg defense, pennies to
peanuts!

~~~
omegaworks
Just to clarify, I don't think it's appropriate to just "turn off" completely.
Speak up. Make your opinions known, put the work in to back them up, but don't
let that work be extra - build it into the time you need to prepare for
meetings. Push back when you don't get enough time to do it.

If there's something alarmingly dangerous about the things that you end up
doing, security concerns unaddressed etc, put the feedback in writing.

Don't clam up. Just don't let it eat away at you if you are ignored; dot your
Is and cross your Ts.

It's a balancing act, of course. You have to get good at understanding and
making the case for what's best for the company.

------
hluska
Hey bud, you aren't alone and, while I can't promise that everything will be
roses, I can promise that you aren't alone.

However, I need to ask you a very serious question. You don't have to answer
in public because it is a very personal thing. But, what do you mean by
moments when you want to snap? And, when you say 'the edge point', what are
you on the edge of?

If it's anger, have you ever thought of anger management therapy?

Or, if you are thinking of hurting yourself, please don't.

If you need someone to talk to, my email address is in my profile. I doubt
that I know you in person and I am open to listening to anything you need to
say.

Be safe and peaceful.

~~~
steve371
Thanks for offering. This is very kind. Just anger for me. If I am in that
much trouble, definitely will seek for help.

------
laurent123456
You might want to look at what, specifically, makes you angry. In my case, my
work doesn't affect me outside of work because I put clear boundaries. If I'm
supposed to be in the office from 9am to 6pm, I'll be there, but at 6pm I
leave, whether there's something important going on or not. Doing that
systematically means that people don't expect you to be around and won't come
with more work at 5:55pm. At home, I don't check my work emails and don't take
work-related calls (there's a few exceptions, and it's usually agreed in
advance with the company so that it doesn't become a habit).

All this helps me "recover" from a day of work and to feel good at home,
knowing that I won't be suddenly interrupted for work reasons.

Again, it might depend on your specific case. If a work was making me angry I
would simply quit, but maybe it's not an option for you.

------
En_gr_Student
Truth is powerful. It is stronger than willpower.

Anger is not a primary emotion. It is a secondary emotion. It cannot exist
without thought. This is fact.

Anger is a response to unmet expectations. You expect and feel you deserve
some "state of the universe" whether it is success, recognition, remuneration,
respect, or basic human treatment. You then do not receive that thing you
expected and believed you deserved, had a right to, earned, or very much
wanted. That mismatch is where anger comes from.

The first way to stop anger, is to stop it from growing. If you know where it
comes from, then you can change your circumstances or your expectations. Your
body is presumed to have overcome an invasive bacteria when it can stop the
invader from net growth. The same thing works for anger.

Anger cannot remain unless you replenish it. If you do not feed it, it does
not grow. Do not review the thing that "made you angry" over and over. There
is an brain hijack where you get a short-term emotional high, and find it
harder and harder to resist replenishing the anger. You can't tell yourself
"don't think of pink elephant". Instead you can say think very hard of "a".
Read "how to live on 24 hours a day" for a good guide on focus mind on single
topic.

If you don't like living in a world that makes you angry, try to make it a
world that does not make others angry. If even a small majority has this as
their process, then you get to live in a world where others help you to be
less angry, less unfulfilled, less disappointed. You might find that
fulfilling.

After you have the mental and emotional roots resolved, then you can look
elsewhere.

Also, stay away from prescribed hormones. They hack the wetware. They make
your biology fight your mind, instead of being its servant.

Best of luck.

-EngrStudent

~~~
0xcde4c3db
> Anger is not a primary emotion. It is a secondary emotion. It cannot exist
> without thought. This is fact.

No, it isn't. That's just a particular framing of one kind of cycle that can
happen. While it might not be typical, it is absolutely possible for anger to
occur first, with the thoughts that "prompted" the anger actually occurring as
a rationalization afterward. Human brains are amazingly adept at quietly
generating plausible bullshit to fill in gaps that would otherwise cause
dissonance.

------
dazh
I feel that this is trying to treat the symptom rather than the cause. It's
definitely not normal to come home feeling like you want to snap. Whether it's
your work environment, or your personal circumstances, I don't know, but I
think looking into changing one of those would be the more effective choice
here.

------
theonemind
At the edge point, I find it helpful to lie down and not react to any thought,
sensation, or feeling until I feel stable. On rare occasions, I feel like I'd
want to punch someone in the face just for speaking a word, and when I lie
down, I feel the dire need to react to something. I put on a sleep mask, put
in ear plugs, put noise cancelling headphones on top of that, and then play a
decent volume of white (brown) noise in them, and very carefully do not move,
think, or react... and if I do, i'll just go back to not thinking, not
reacting to thoughts, not reacting to the repeating jerking urge to get up and
do something, and I'll usually fall asleep for a bit. Generally, I've never
found this to fail to clear almost any negative state I'm in.

It's just a psychological agitation. Even normal friction, etc. can agitate a
physically sore spot, and you should just let up off it to let the agitation
subside. Same idea, works great for me.

I actually pretty much do that every day after work to some extent or another,
but I'm only really serious about not reacting to anything when I really have
some anger/agitation/whatever that needs to dissipate.

------
twobyfour
When I'm really angry, just a workout won't do the trick. I have to work out
to the point of sheer exhaustion to release all that negative energy.

Having an enjoyable commute helps me a lot. A long walk or pleasant bus ride
(with optional music) is time to process emotions and to create a mental break
between work and home.

Meditation can also help -- not as a solution at the moment when you're angry,
but as a habit that can improve your mindfulness and ability to deal with your
own emotions.

My last resort is distraction - reading a book or watching a movie or TV show
I know will be engrossing. An hour or two later, the frustration has usually
dissipated.

That said, if you're experiencing rage that you can't control, or are on the
edge of "snapping" \- whether into rage or depression or whatever - I agree
with the previous poster who suggested you seek mental health services.

A good therapist can help you come up with better outlets and coping
mechanisms, or help you identify what in your life you need to change to avoid
circumstances that trigger such frustration. It may take a few tries to find
someone who works well with you, so don't get discouraged if the first person
you try isn't a good fit.

------
cbanek
Are you angry for a reason or just generally frustrated? (dissatisfaction with
work, coworkers, etc.)

If you wrote it all down, do you think it would make logical sense?

Sometimes I'm just over emotional. Sometimes the place I'm working isn't a
good fit. If it's not a good fit, I also find that my emotions get out of
control as well.

If things are building, figure out what is building them and try to change
that. Little things can make someone crazy for a few days, but if it's every
day, it might be depression or burnout. If your stress never goes away and
just keeps building on itself, it's likely depression or burnout.

Talking to a professional might help, very least it feels like you are taking
action to make it better. They might be able to help you frame and understand
what is bothering you.

------
wdewind
> Meditation/music can only help when you are not at the edge point.

I don't think music will be particularly helpful, but meditation, specifically
mindfulness meditation, will be most effective when you are at the edge. Try
practicing for 10 minutes a day, and then when you are on the edge try your
best to really feel the stress and experience it. Your goal is to build your
tolerance to it, which you can only do by not running from it. It's just like
working out: you need to practice and you'll get stronger. The 10 minutes a
day of practice when you're not on the edge will help you build up to being
able to be truly present when you are on the edge.

------
p0d
I built a shed in my garden. I sit in it and listen to classical music for
about 45 minutes when I am stressed after work. My family and I both benefit.

~~~
magic_beans
This sounds lovely. I don't have a shed or a garden, but I do have a balcony
and a year-old avocado plant. I'll try it.

------
manibatra
I was able to be a much happier person after I realised that it is just like
any other skill. So for being happy you have to train your mind. I personally
prefer stoicism and the book "Daily Stoic" will be a good start. A ready made
plan to increase your mental resilience and in turn happiness :)

------
partycoder
If your job sucks, just leave your job. That's what I did and I am much
happier now.

I was at a place that paid me very well but had very low standards for hiring.
The interview was incredibly easy and, in retrospective, that was a big red
flag that I failed to see. After that, if I get an easy interview I will pass
on the opportunity. An overly easy interview means you will work with people
that don't know wtf they're doing or how to recognize your
talent/contributions.

You spend a lot of time at work, try to work at a place that doesn't drain
you.

------
hiven
This may not be the right situation for you, but worth mentioning generally. I
find getting changed when you come home helpfully because it helps reinforce
the divide between work and home, and I find it easier to forget the worries
of the day.

------
smnscu
Can I just point out that if you're constantly irritable and grumpy you might
want to get checked. In my case I've had weeks in a row where every little
thing would make me flip, and it's apparently due to my shitty thyroid.

------
Morendil
It's normal to experience emotions related to what happens at work. It's
called "being human". And dealing with emotions - putting words on them,
accepting them and moving on - is a key skill and a part of growing up.

What varies, in my experience, is whether and how much it is acceptable to
discuss (and thus process) these emotions in the workplace itself. Being able
to say "I'm sad / angry / joyful about X" makes a world of difference.

Once I became aware of that I started being able to remedy it. To start with I
actively sought and encouraged discussions of the emotional components of
whatever work I was a part of. Retrospectives were a great way of having a
structured framework for these discussions (as opposed to giving the
impression that I wanted to psychoanalyze my colleagues or vice versa).

After a while I noticed, too, that management in some places actively
preferred the dehumanizing effect of making emotions undiscussable, because it
afforded easier control over people. I started avoiding these places and
selecting jobs that accepted and expected me to behave as a human adult.

------
codedrop
I like the idea of the reptilian brain and the monkey brain. Not sure how true
it is. All anger and similar emotions, I feel, reside in the monkey brain. And
the best way I have found to shut it up for a good period of time is to jump
straight into an ice bath. No mental preparation. Don't wait. Just jump
straight in all the way. And stay longer than you'd like.

Cheers

------
cyberjunkie
I see way too many people taking their jobs more seriously than they ought to.
There's something very odd about people who sideline their families and close
ones, because their daily work is more important. They're way too busy to
speak, or meet or be nice even when they leave work.

I think unless you're in a field where lives are at stake, it's well
warranted, and it's noble what you're doing. For the vast majority of us, it's
a job. You have one, you don't. Most of us are smart enough to get a new one.
You do your best, you do it at work, and keep it there. Note down things on a
notebook, things that you can continue on the following morning.

Trying to be as honest, upfront, easy-going and helpful, the kind of person
you are at home, also helps bridge things better. That way, you don't need to
be a different person, and switch between them.

Generally, just take it easy, you're not out saving the world. Do your best
and carry your bag home, not your baggage.

------
unique_ptr
I like to take the Wolf of Wall Street approach. Percocet at home. (adjust
dosage to tolerance) I microdose 8mg of xanax at work sometimes. Weed on days
off. Masturbating a minimum of 4 times a day.

------
nickhalfasleep
I write my tomorrow self a todo email at the end of a long day with items to
pick up on tomorrow morning. I let that guy deal with it.

------
songshu
1) Reduce your physical vulnerability (diet, sleep, exercise) 2) Act on
emotions if they are justified and you can do so effectively 3) Behave the
opposite way if they are not, with sincerity 4) Identify soothing activities
you can take refuge in 5) Build a life worth living, regular activities to
focus on 6) Find a good therapist 7) Accept yourself

------
branchless
My work drives me insane. I cycle home. 30 minutes of fairly vigorous exercise
and it melts away. I realise this isn't an option for many due to location,
but it works for me.

------
mrweasel
I'm rarely emotional after work, but it does happen that I've had a bad day or
a customer is being annoying.

My wife have annoying co-workers and customers that piss her off too
sometimes. So when we get home we ask each other how the day has been. It
usually takes 30 - 45 min to cover everything while we're cooking dinner. We
aren't trying to solve problems for each other, unless asked to, we just
listen.

It really helps to be allow to be vocal about the emotions of work, and it
helps the other person to understand where any anger is coming from and where
it's directed. If we didn't talk about our day, my wife could easily assume
that I'm mad at her and vice versa.

At a point where I was having a rather bad period at work, my wife insisted
that I listed three good things that happened at work that day, that remove
the focus from the negative things.

------
danesparza
I would encourage you to journal. It will help you to put language to your
strong emotions and work out things that are troubling you. I wouldn't even
worry about being coherent at first -- just try to get out all of the things
you're feeling and why. It generally helps to do this in a quiet place.

Other folks have mentioned therapy / counseling -- which I highly recommend as
well. I've gone to a marriage counselor with my wife for years and plan on
doing it for the rest of my life (albeit only every 2-3 months now). You can
take your notes to a therapist and make your sessions more productive.

Other folks have suggested switching jobs -- which might be a good idea. If
you do have to switch jobs, you'll be able to make a more informed decision
about what works (and doesn't work) for you in a work environment.

------
smoyer
I would argue that the best course of action (in general) is to not use your
emotions at work. Software development as an engineering discipline is best
done in a dispassionate state. I can logically defend the decisions that I've
made (and learned from the wrong ones).

Since you've been working for many years, practice this exercise when you
start feeling angry - think of a time in the past where you were also angry
and think of the outcome of that episode. You'll find that the emotion really
doesn't help the situation and have to assume that it won't help the current
situation either.

I'm not saying that you should be a Borg at work - it's good to feel emotions.
But you're going overboard and eventually it will harm you (or already has).

------
cjstewart88
My wife listens to me bitch and complain anytime I need someone to talk to.
One day she simply told me to keep things in perspective. Think about all the
things we have to be thankful for and question is it really worth it to get
worked up over whatever it is that's bothering you.

------
stevenkovar
Sleep, diet, and exercise. There's a good chance you need to improve in one of
these areas—we all do.

Otherwise, think of stress like your email inbox; a stressbox. You can zero
this out on a daily basis by being honest with yourself about what is
important in your life.

If it's not important, delete it.

If it is important, archive it and come back tomorrow, wait for your brain to
detach the emotion from the event. Anger is a symptom; you need clarity to
figure out the cause of the symptom (the event).

If it's someone else's anger causing you stress, mark it as spam and
unsubscribe; sometimes this requires telling someone to stop being negative
around you.

------
klaky
First cause diagnosed: Did you drink coffee, or any others coffee drink? My
experience is that, it destroy my mood and brings anxiety in the evening right
after work. My wife recognizes me whether I drunk coffee at work or not. Try
Matcha green tee instead of coffee.

Point for you: Good self reflection, point for you that you recognized this
wrong pattern, and want to change it.

Second cause diagnosed: Please be aware that we as a human behavie strong
context based.

In example after learning language being drunk you will not remember it when
you are not drunk. When you drink again you will able to speak new language
again.

The same is with your work place and home. For you now this is one context,
you brings your job actor play and still playing it at home, even though you
change your context (from work place to home).

To fix an issue build up (learn) your new role that you will play at home in
example a lovely husband, or father.

Solution: When you are mindful enough before standing your home door, tell
yourself that you from now on you are playing new role (great husband on
example) and when you welcome your wife play a role.

After few days, the new paths at your brain will be created. and your
subconcious mind will play that role without your knowledge.

Good luck

------
sailfast
There are a lot of great deep, reflective answers in here. My advice is more
tactical so take that for what it's worth.

1) Make sure there's a buffer before you get home from work, or if you work
from home, create a buffer. During that time (could be as short as a half
hour), do something that's not super stressful and not related to work that
gets you thinking about stuff you're interested in. For awhile this was
listening to audio books on the train ride home or doing crossword puzzles -
as long as it decompresses you a bit.

2) Make sure you're sleeping enough. Fuses get short when you don't sleep and
this fixes a lot of things.

3) If you're not working out or moving around, find something that you can do.
If it's competitive maybe that helps. Squash, tennis, soccer league? Something
that makes you run like crazy and gets your heart rate up.

4) Start work on that thing that's screaming at you from the inside because
you're not doing whatever "it" is. Maybe something there - an idea, a project,
a thing. What's been keeping you from working on it? Maybe life or your job
seems to be preventing you from doing it? Start small. Talk to a few people
and keep the fire burning. Learn more about it so you can start to think more
strategically about approaches (or rule it out)

------
hollander
I like to dance. It's active, it's fun. There are many different types of
dance. Do you want to dance with a partner or not? Slow or active? Strict
format or completely free?

Tango is rather slow, salsa is more active. Capoeira is more like a fighting
dance. Street dance is similar. Show dance is top sport. Ballroom or latin
dance styles like salsa have a strict format. There are so many different
styles like Lindyhop, real fun, but I recommend that you start with the more
popular ones.

If you don't like that, there are more expressionist type of dances, like
biodanza or five rythms. These are more like workshops, guided by a teacher.
It's not about doing the right moves, and anyone can join, even those with no
rythm-feeling. And you can dance in your own place, curtains closed, music
loud. Dance like nobody can see you, or dance when nobody can see you if
you're too embarrassed.

Another tip is improv or theatersport. You can put a lot of agression and
energy in it. In general it's great fun and it has helped me overcome several
anxieties.

For me, when I dance or do improv, after five minutes I've forgotten all about
the day.

------
asupertramp
Self talk.

Nothing helps like talking to yourself. Build narratives and counter
narratives and try to analyze the situation at hand. It's like taking a third
person perspective for the sole reason of analyzing what happened, and why it
happened.

Try to avoid getting into solutions mode. Don't even try to think about how
you can improve or change the situation. Just understand and spend some time
thinking about what exactly happened.

------
lr4444lr
How are you so sure that your problems at work really stem from work, instead
of being symptomatic of a deeper personal problem you might externalizing onto
work? Is the coat of looking for a new job really that high? If your problem
keeps worsening, that may eventually be eclipsed by the need to maintain your
mental health. If not, then why can't you resolve the problems of work at
work?

~~~
shamaku
I'm guessing you're one of those lucky ones with a sane manager that values
your productivity, nurtures growth by rewarding good work, and keeps a good
tab on past accomplishments whilst protecting you when others make unrealistic
or untimely demands of you, and intervenes only with actual wisdom rather than
nonsensical judgement or belittling comments.

Consider yourself one of the few lucky ones. The rest of us have to deal with
some degree of micromanagement, office politics, and other such nonsense on an
almost daily basis.

~~~
lr4444lr
Yep. :-)

I try to count my blessings every day. Also, in my limited experience, you
find these jobs through past colleagues you trust to look out for your well-
being.

------
robotkdick
I think the challenge you are facing can be resolved, but only through
accepting the risks of social awkwardness.

The fact that you are reaching out to people is good. Don't stop. Find the
people willing to listen and keep talking until you figure it out. Some people
can't handle it and they will naturally peel away. Don't panic when this
happens and don't blame yourself (or them) for having a real issue that you
need to work out.

Keep reaching out to people, not chatbots. Soon enough, you will have sorted
out your true friends (and you will also make new friends). The work you need
to do lies in finding out who you are through the eyes of other people.

One more thing, don't do this on the internet. Go meet people in person.

Finally, we all need human touch. If you are not getting that, you will be
angry because it is a need we all share. When you get touch, chemicals are
released in your brain and you feel better. If you can't get this through
other means, book a legal massage once a week. Thai massages are good if you
are experiencing anger. I hope this helps!

------
indigochill
For me, the key is to decouple my personal emotions from work. Now, I still
get angry about mismanagement here and there, but I also set things up such
that I can easily remove myself from the situation if things get to the table-
flipping point.

The two main practical steps I'm taking right now are (YMMV):

1\. Save/invest 50% (or as close to that as I can manage) of what I take home.
This is about more than just living jobless for a month for every month I
work. Barring catastrophic expenses, if I keep investing this money over ~14
years in a fund that averages 7% return a year, I will make around enough
money to support my lifestyle passively, at which point a salary stops
mattering and I can financially afford to leave any job, any time.

2\. Build my resume with "extracurricular activities". In my case I'm earning
an online master's degree on top of work (years of step 1 helps me afford
this, and my program is relatively cheap). This makes it easier to find new,
interesting work in advanced fields (and it's also just fun to constantly
learn new things).

------
lnanek2
I found this book to be quite good:

> The Irritability Cure: How To Stop Being Angry, Anxious and Frustrated All
> The Time

[https://www.amazon.com/Irritability-Cure-Being-Anxious-
Frust...](https://www.amazon.com/Irritability-Cure-Being-Anxious-Frustrated-
ebook/dp/B00BJFI75A)

It does a good job covering various reasons you might be upset, e.g.:

"

1\. Someone did something they shouldn’t have done.

2\. Someone was hurt, harmed, humiliated, embarrassed, offended, disappointed,
or otherwise inconvenienced by what was done.

3\. Some person or persons (other than myself) were unilaterally responsible
(i.e. to blame) for #1 and #2.

4\. The offending person or persons should acknowledge what they did wrong,
offer to make amends, and/or be punished.

"

Then various things you can try to think about to short circuit being upset:

"

A) Failing to recognize how your own judgments, evaluations, and standards
might not be valid for other people.

B) Failing to recognize how your own actions, past and present, may have
contributed to what happened.

C) Justifying your anger, instead of looking within yourself for its internal
causes.

D) Retaliating or seeking revenge, instead of openly and honestly dealing with
what happened.

"

I know lots of advice in this realm ends up being things like stop and breath,
exercise, use religion and forgiveness, but none of those things really do
anything for me. If you can make a chain of logic to the bad result of being
upset and then break the chain somewhere with one of those, I find that quite
effective.

------
hkmurakami
I've struggled with this for years until I realized that I'm the same person
at home and at work and actively sought to be this way.

This is in contrast to some peers who have a professional personality (which
is still gemslwves, but with restricted access to core identity) and a at-home
personality.

Separating the two and turning one on/off at will is the approach I am
striving towards.

------
rudyrigot
Therapy. I started it out mostly out of curiosity and a sophisticated
misunderstanding. Turns out, after a couple of sessions, I started realizing
that my therapist was particularly impactful on me when we'd talk about work-
related events, exactly because while I think I have a healthy approach to my
personal life, I often let work stuff get the better of me when things get
intense. Over time, we're taking about better ways to plan potential events
ahead, and think really hard about what could really go that wrong when
something happens, and it really helps putting things in perspective. I
totally advise it.

------
abelhabel
There are many ways, of course, but I'll tell you what I do.

If I am angry or upset in any way I first think about it. If I cannot
understand the anger I let people know what I am feeling and that I might need
to be alone or just need some silence.

If, then later, still aren't any wiser about what I am feeling I start
analysing my emotions. For me it helps to read philosophy or art (movies,
music books etc). It is a way of looking at things from a different
perspective and this can help me reflect on what is going on.

However, I never have the intention of getting rid of my emotions. Rather, I
have an interest in my existence and metaphysics in general. So whatever comes
of it I am fine with.

So, my advice is to let people, including yourself, know that you are about to
"snap" don't try to not feel whatever you feel. Not everything has to or can
be resolved.

------
uptownfunk
Do you consume coffee or caffeinated beverages? Are you getting enough sleep?
Consider eliminating coffee/coke/energy drinks/other caffeinated beverages
from your diet. I've seen it work wonders for many people I know who were
having work-related anger/stress/anxiety issues.

------
delbel
if you are in a state that allows marjiuana consumption, and you do not have
any history of substance abuse, a microdose of THC would probably change your
mood. That or a cold shower, a quick run (runner's high), or something that
physically alters your mindset quickly might do the trick.

------
Mz
I will also add the thought that you might find it helpful to do volunteer
work of a sort that really tugs at your heartstrings as a means to put your
day job in perspective.

I paid accident claims for over five years and a lot of my coworkers found
this to be disturbing work. But, among other things, I had been a military
wife and raised two special needs kids. It was rare that I took any of the
emotional stress home with me. I stressed about making quota every day, but
most of the run of the mill accidents did not get a rise out of me. Once in a
while, I would read something particularly gruesome and have trouble with
that. But I think this was on the order of once a year or so.

------
CodeWriter23
From my experience, when you're at the edge, the only thing to do is release
the anger. Chopping wood, sledge hammer to rocks, in general doing he-man
break shit. Preferably in private.

Once that's worked out, I make sure to give the anger back to the person who's
sourcing it. If I need to check myself by asking the person questions, I try
to do it. But other than that, I really try my best to reflect that negative
energy back at its source. And while I prefer being overt, I will be covert
when the situation indicates that is necessary.

Or as another guy expressed to me, you need something like the pressure relief
valve on a pressure cooker to blow off the steam a little at a time, so you
don't explode.

~~~
CodeWriter23
One more thing. A lot of people talk about "letting go". A wise man once told
me he didn't know much about letting go, but he was real good at leaving
things alone.

~~~
groby_b
Trust me, if you leave alone instead of letting it go - you'll revisit. Over.
And over. And over.

And it's going to be a little bit worse every single time. Find closure.

~~~
CodeWriter23
That hasn't been my experience. I think the key is, letting go isn't a
conscious act.

------
maneesh
This is one of the most common use cases for users of our wearable device,
Pavlok. Adding a zap when noticing negative emotion kicks you out of automatic
limbic system mode, and into human awareness/prefrontal cortex mode.

Here are a couple users who spoke about it

[https://pavlok.com/blog/how-to-reduce-negative-thoughts-
and-...](https://pavlok.com/blog/how-to-reduce-negative-thoughts-and-quit-
eating-sugar-donuts/)

[https://pavlok.com/blog/alex-t-kicked-anger-
problem/](https://pavlok.com/blog/alex-t-kicked-anger-problem/)

~~~
safek
Holy shit are you the dude who was on Shark Tank? That episode was hilarious
hahahaha

~~~
maneesh
Yea

------
ThrustVectoring
Real talk: you need to figure out your priorities. Either your friends and
family are a support system that helps you accomplish something meaningful and
important in your career, or work is a thing you happen to do that pays the
bills so you can have fulfilling personal relationships.

Neither choice is necessarily better. It's extraordinarily difficult to
prioritize both - the entire point of a priority is to tell you what _isn 't_
important. I'm personally biased towards friends and family, but if you have
an important mission to accomplish, go for it.

------
legohead
What is causing you emotion at your workplace? Are you being treated unfairly?

My short answer would be to find a new job. I've never had a job that caused
me so much stress it caused issues at home. Sure, there have been times when
my boss did something to really piss me off and I got angry, but those are
isolated incidents.

At one of my jobs I was promised something that never came (I should have
gotten it in writing). I asked about it every year, until it bothered me so
much I gave them an ultimatum. They refused, I quit and moved on, and am much
happier in the end.

------
akamaka
I've never been able to separate work from the rest of life, even after more
than a decade of working.

The only answer for me has been to find better jobs, or, better yet, taking
long periods of time away from work entirely.

------
sethwm
I would recommend exploring Emotional Brain Training (EBT) [1]. Wired for Joy
[2] and Spiral Up [3] are two related books on the subject. Find a therapist
that works in this space to coach you through it.

[1]
[https://www.ebtconnect.net/what_is_ebt](https://www.ebtconnect.net/what_is_ebt)

[2] [https://www.amazon.com/Wired-Joy-Revolutionary-Creating-
Happ...](https://www.amazon.com/Wired-Joy-Revolutionary-Creating-
Happiness/dp/1401925863)

[3] Sorry I can't find it anywhere

------
onetwotree
People have been dealing with problems like this for thousands of years. The
solution, developed in almost every culture, has been some form of spiritual
practice.

I view spirituality as the technology of human existence, and take a pragmatic
and heterodox approach. The key is practice and action - you don't get
anything out of simple belief.

Steer clear of spiritual ideas that feed your ego, and gravitate toward ones
that emphasize humility, service and acceptance. It works well for me, but as
always YMMV.

------
avs733
Obviously this is what works for me so YMMV.

I like rock climbing as a workout. I specifically prefer that because it
requires me to be 100% mentally engaged in it while climbing. It is a
combination of meditative ways of thinking as well as physical exercise and
blocks everything else out. Anger during climbing is utterly
counterproductive. It doesn't de-escalate as much as it distracts and focuses.

And most importantly, it doesn't rely on transferring my frustration and anger
to others...which is a bad habit of mine.

------
rocqua
I think getting to emotional at work is its own problem. If you could just
control your emotions after work, you could probably temper them enough during
work to not have this be an issue.

For emotional health, it seems rather arbitrary to draw a line between 'at
work' and 'at home'. The only real difference may be in what those
environments consider acceptable, but you can't just switch between intensity
levels. Emotion is, kind of by definition, not fully within your control.

------
e40
Here's what a mentor told me many years ago:

Look for the clenching of your emotional fist. It happens before you say or do
anything, and if you can recognize that and decide to delay a response until
after you have time to think about an appropriate response, then you will be
much better off.

It takes practice. For me, the positive outcomes from waiting reinforced the
waiting behavior. I just know if I wait, it will always be better and I can
respond in a way that won't make the situation worse.

------
coffeeski
Yoga. Do yoga. Go to a Yoga Studio, not a gym or a DVD; a studio. Find your
balance, find your inner peace and just let it go. Really. This is
transformative for me. That and Zoloft.

~~~
marmaduke
Do you happen to have a hole in your head, too?

[https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trepanning](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trepanning)

~~~
PhasmaFelis
I don't know how yoga compares in particular, but there is loads of research
backing up meditation for stress relief. It's not mystical hoodoo. And of
course mixing in physical exercise can't hurt.

------
b0n40
My 5 cents... If you are reaching the edge point you dont know how to
meditate.

I will recommend to read just few books for a start 1\. Dao - Lao Tzu 2.The
Willpower Instinct - Kelly McGonigal 3\. The Art of War by Sun Tzu

you are not going to reach self-knowing or self-control using other people's
thoughts. Everything good comes from the walked path, It takes time and
practice.

And the way is not only to evolve from inside but from outside too, so
"workout" daily is also important part.

------
thunderbong
Sometimes when this happens, I try to think of the worst -

What would happen if I lost my job?

What would happen if I were to die tonight?

Sometimes it helps to realize that nothing much really, I mean really, matters
- ideology, opinion, software, even my own life.

Sometimes, 'Pearls before Swine' helps to put things in perspective! [1]

[1]
[http://www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2005/11/20](http://www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2005/11/20)

------
wpietri
I second a lot of the things here, including regular therapy, self care, and
thinking about whether another job would be better. You might also consider a
job-specific coach who will help you figure out how to solve workplace issues
before you hit "murderous".

But one other thing that works for me is long walks. I walk until I'm no
longer angry, and then I turn around and walk back. Eventually, I get worn
out, both on the topic and physically.

------
brad0
Mate, you need to deal with your emotion. You should become more aware of your
feelings and what's causing them.

On top of that ask yourself what problems do you have in your life that you
aren't solving?

Being angry is a symptom of your worldview not reflecting reality. What
situations are causing you to feel that anger?

Last but not least, go see a good therapist. They're paid to understand your
problems and help you get better mentally.

------
losteverything
1\. Stop watching tv and listening to any news.

2\. Quit your job and work at a place(s) where you don't have to think. In
fact where you are supposed to not think. Deliver things. Be a cashier. Rinse.
Repeat.

Mike Rowe of dirty jobs said the happiest people he ever knew were those he
featured on DJ.

Struggle financially. Earn your vacations and personal purchases. Make your
time not idle like retired/unemployed do.

These eliminated my anger.

------
blatherard
You might want to check out Stoicism, the philosophy, which has a lot to say
about emotions. How to Be a Stoic: Using Ancient Philosophy to Live a Modern
Life by Massimo Pigliucci is a pretty good intro. You can also try diving
right into original sources like the Meditations of Marcus Aurelius, or the
Enchiridion by Epictetus, or something by Seneca. There are many translations
for all of these.

~~~
tkt
The book "A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy" by William
Irvine is a good book on Stoicism that provides a good practical perspective
on using the approach in your life.

~~~
tkt
Also, not on Stoicism, but "10% Happier: How I Tamed the Voice in My Head,
Reduced Stress Without Losing My Edge, and Found Self-Help That Actually Works
--A True Story" is a book by Dan Harris, a news correspondent, bringing
philosophical approaches to everyday life.

------
snarfy
You need to be more busy in your personal life. You should be so busy you do
not have time to think about work when you are away from it. Instead of
stressing about the work day on your drive home, you should be looking forward
to the things in your personal life. The whole point of trading your time for
money is so you can have a personal life.

------
steve371
Thanks for all the great advices and comments here.

Every job has its ups and downs. Though I agree that if you constantly feel
down time, that probably the time you take a break.

What I find hard is that no single method works for me for a very long time.
(Probably because it can trigger the bad memory? ) So I need to find a new
approach when I find the old one does not work any more.

------
sevilo
hmm I think this varies a lot based on personality and your upbringing. But
here are my $0.02,

try convincing yourself that you're not your code, you're not your work. You
as a person is much more than just what you're paid to do. Perhaps consider
going to the gym after work for 30-60 minutes, exercising helps improve your
mood. I also think hobbies that are completely unrelated to your job helps
keep your personal life separate from your work life. Personal belief the tech
industry overall has a not-so-good culture where people expect your job to be
your passion, and they expect you to be live and breath code outside of work.
Try leaving that mentality behind, as long as you perform well at your job, as
long as you have the desire to improve, it doesn't have to be your passion. I
typically do calligraphy and music compositions after work, which are btw very
meditative hobbies.

Hope that helps.

------
outworlder
You need to figure out what the underlying issue is. Is it just about work?
Are you happy (relatively speaking) when not at work, like weekends?

If not, figure out what's wrong. Could be that you need to change jobs, get
extra or better sleep, vitamin-d (helped for me). It could also be that you
need some professional help. There's no shame in that.

------
andypi
I think you need to deal with this before you get to the edge point. You need
a way to understand your own emotions and why you are feeling like that, and
start to resolve underlying things like stress, strained relationships,
existential angst like what is the point of work etc. I find praying to Jesus
the Messiah helps me a lot.

------
JonRB
[Depending on where you are] you might find there are mental health services
with 24h phone lines for people in your situation.

------
psenior
I have heard some military and law enforcement friends mention something along
the lines of "hang your fangs at the door." In those fields, it's very clear
who your "enemies" are versus "friendlies." I suppose there is some serious
compartmentalization going on in order for this philosophy to work.

------
Cozumel
You need to remove yourself from that environment ASAP, find another job.

If all jobs make you feel like this then the problems deeper, either find
something YOU want to do, like making a chatbot that would really help in this
situation or maybe just forget about work, take early retirement, go see the
world.

Life is too short to waste it on something making you angry.

------
gaius
You are up against the force of evolution here. For a million years the
correct response to threat or stress or danger was fight-or-flight. Don't feel
bad that you can't resist it, you were never meant to. What workout are you
doing that makes you more angry? Maybe if you are lifting go for a run or vice
versa?

------
andrei_says_
If possible, buffer your time at work from your time at home with a physical
activity which allows you to viscerally expend energy and possibly rage.

A workout could be good. Martial arts class, intensive cardio, something
allowing you to express rage and get physically exhausted in a controlled,
harmless, socially acceptable way.

------
mcculley
> Meditation/music can only help when you are not at the edge point.

This sounds like a bad assumption about meditation to me. In my experience,
regular meditation practice helps me keep that edge further away. Negative
emotions are not useful to me or those who interact with me at work or at
home.

------
abramN
hey, I deal with this too. Exercise does help with letting off some steam.
What also does wonders is to list out the things that are bothering you, and
then ask yourself - "is there anything I can (and should) do about this right
now?" If the answer is yes, then do it. Otherwise, let it go for the evening,
and the issue(s) will still be there in the morning. Remember too - your
subconscious is a valuable tool, but you need to let go so it can do its
thing! You ever have those eureka moments in the shower? You can have those
same kinds of revelations in the morning regarding a problem that you thought
was insurmountable the night before, but you have to stop thinking about it
long enough to get the right perspective on things.

------
abritinthebay
That's not normal or healthy. See a therapist.

Also meditation will still _help_ but what you're taking about is a broader
and deeper issue with how you process frustrations and anger.

That needs professional help. No shame in it - it's quite useful! It's not
like they teach it in school is it?

------
jorgemf
Why do you want to treat the symptoms and not to cure the problem? It sounds
you come emotional from work too often. It is not healthy to be like this for
long time, so even if you decrease the symptoms it is going to take in your
health sooner or later

------
rdiddly
I agree with the thread of people here saying "your job" is the problem here,
EXCEPT, I'm betting it's probably not "your job" per se, but rather "some
douchebag at your job." Hard to say, since you didn't give any info about
that, and in fact weren't really asking about that. Normally I hate when
people answer a "how do I..." question with "Now why on earth would you want
to..." but in this case it's quite obvious the problem and the solution is
further "upstream" if you will.

Anyway yes there's a component to anger that can be caused by shortcomings in
yourself. And yes it reflects a frustration, a disconnect between what you
want and what the world actually is. What has to be sorted out is whether
"what you want" is reasonable to expect or not. Sometimes you're asking the
moon and should accept you're not going to get it. Sometimes however, anger is
your tough big brother, stepping in to stick up for you in a shitty and unfair
situation. In other words if "what you want" is to be treated with basic human
dignity in the workplace, that is absolutely not too much to ask. And again
I'm wagering, the problem traces to one or two specific people. Perhaps you
need to defeat them in some sort of battle (not physical, or you're going to
jail) for them to respect you. Perhaps they annoy everybody else on the team
too, and should be removed. Thus I'm coming back full-circle to "maybe it's
not the job per se." Maybe your job is precisely the thing you wish you could
be allowed to do, if only it weren't for these one or two assholes. Deal with
the assholes. Defeat them if you can (and anger probably won't help you
here... we're talking straightforward but discreetly sneaky workplace
maneuvering) or retreat (leave the job) if you have to. Meanwhile all the
other advice still applies... deal with your parental baggage, your
diet/weight problem, your expectations of life, your emotions, etc. so that
you're less vulnerable to this sort of thing (being made angry).

Edit: and by the way "your diet/weight problem," if you have one (I'm baldly
asserting it but I mean it to be taken as pure conjecture) may be both the
cause of, and caused by, the anger. Stress makes the body store calories. And
then carrying those calories around in the form of fat, subconsciously reminds
you of all the other times you were angry and stressed, and increases the
chance that when presented with the same or similar situation, or even a
dissimilar situation, you'll react again the same way.

------
Beltiras
Since this is a recurring issue I strongly advise you to seek professional
help. There may be underlying issues that will not go away without treatment.
All the methods you mention may be effective for issues. This sounds like a
problem.

------
samblr
The best years when I left work related stress to home was whilst brisk
walking close to 4 miles back home. It took me about an hour.

Also, an hour on exercise bike at home is good.

Benefits of above activities was/is - I cared more about food and sleep.

------
bradfordarner
Lighten the mood and then talk to the universe/world (whatever you want to
call the something that we are all a part of).

I know. I know. That might sound weird and all. But, it is the only thing that
helps me. I grew up a very calm person but after many years in the military
and a couple of combat deployments I seemed to develop a very strong
aggression issue. I'm calm most of the time, but when something gets to me I
can get into a deadly loop where it just gets worse and worse. It starts to
feed on itself. Then, my wife can say something small and my internal
monologue gets darker and darker and whinier and whinier.

So, yes, don't let it get to the "edge point"...that is hard. That takes a
long time of understanding yourself (talking to the universe or journaling is
the best way that I feel I make progress in that area too.) So, the first step
when you get to the edge is to return to being happy. It doesn't matter what
it takes. Watch a stupid video on YouTube. Just get back to a place of "happy"
even if just for a moment.

Lighten the mood. Then, start journaling. But, the goal of the journaling
shouldn't be whining: "why me, oh why me??" I've done that a lot. It is really
not helpful at all. It makes it worse over the long-term.

So, what do you journal/talk-to-the-universe about? You start investigating
who you are and why the current situation is making you upset. Start asking
yourself: why am I angry. But ultimately, the goal is to drill down until you
find the good in everything. For example: "Why am I angry that Joe is fighting
me so hard with what I know is a bad direction as far as design patterns is
concerned? Why do I care at all? Because I want to built software that I'm
proud of. Don't we all want to build software that is well built and a
meaningful creation? So, what Joe doesn't want that? Of course, Joe wants that
as well. We just have different ideas about how to make the best software
possible. By why am I so fired up and angry about it? Because I don't want to
believe that I'm coming to work each day for nothing..."

Just keep going...even 15 minutes can make a major difference. I've had times
in life where it took an hour and sometimes when it went on for over 6 hours.
There isn't a goal in terms of what you are getting at. Productivity is
certainly NOT the goal of the exercise. Just talking/writing is the goal of
the exercise. In the end, my wife is happier and I feel that is the larger
goal. I want to be kind to other people, especially my wife, rather than
burdening people with negativity.

------
kyled
Can you work on whatever stresses you out at work?

If not, find a job that doesn't stress you out?

------
orblivion
You said you tried music but you tied it in with meditation. Have you tried
aggressive music to pace your mood? And then maybe some more relaxing music
after.

(I'm curious if people here chime in to say this is a bad idea for some
reason.)

~~~
teddyknox
Death metal is my go-to work music for when the fight with entropy feels like
a losing battle. Especially as the rest of our capitalist society tells you to
be happy all the time, death metal offers you the intuitive sense that you're
not alone in the pain, and some solace in the fact that some people are brave
enough to lament their difficulty out loud.

I think catharsis is really important and people should teach themselves to
seek it the way they seek their professional goals, food and companionship.

------
cvaidya86
Run for an hour. Seriously, with great music or a tech talk in your earphones
whichever you prefer. Another good one is Heartfulness method of Cleaning or
Relaxation. YouTube it there's lots of videos of it.

------
anovikov
I had same problem. Ended up developing personality change. It was like 'they
are all idiots, what can i do!!' and now it is 'they are all idiots, great, i
am here to take advantage of them'.

------
billylo
I sip a cup of tea and gently remind myself what's important in life.

------
galfarragem
Take a long walk home.

"I can't! I live far away from my job." Yes you can: get out on a
bus/train/whatever stop before your home. 1 hour walking is ~5 Km.

"I drive home bro." So park it 5 km before your work.

~~~
hocpoc
I usually would stop by grocery shop instead, and walk around looking for
ideas to cook. But this is because I enjoy cooking and anyone in the house
will not talk _heavy_ things while I am in the kitchen. I'm basically buying
time for myself to be _not really at home_ for the first few hours.

------
nezo
Try to allocate some time to think about what happened, what makes you angry.
Do this maybe when walking (That's what I do) or when commuting, and prevent
yourself from thinking about it once at home.

------
watwut
Depending on what causes the emotions, you need new job, new position or
different way how to deal with whatever causes those emotions in the first
place. You should not be in such highly emotional state.

------
koolba
Get a new job.

If this is happening regularly then it's an indication of a hostile workplace.

Work should be a pleasant experience. It's not a vacation, but it shouldn't
drive you to anger on a daily basis.

------
igtztorrero
Just drink a beer in your pub and talk to a stranger about anything

------
obstinate
Are you in therapy? If not, that might be a good thing to start doing.

------
antitouchscreen
Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Teaches you how to recognize when you are in an
adrenaline-filled, tense state. Over time, you act and think more
deliberately, even in equally tense situations.

------
vivekchand19
For me getting hooked to something else I am passionate about takes me away
from work worries. I am currently hooked to Self-Driving Cars, doing a
Nanodegree from Udacity.

------
bsvalley
Efficient way - snap at work not at home, let everyone know about your
problems and frustration. Man up.

Shortcut - crack up a beer or two when you get back home then think about
happy things.

~~~
travmatt
Advocating angry outbursts and drinking to suppress your problems both seem
like terrible recommendations.

------
exabrial
Get a new job before your entrepreneur spirit is crushed. Just quit.
Seriously! There are way better gigs. Put that passion into something that can
change the world.

------
ronilan
There is this club. Can't talk about it, tough.

------
mrvivaldi
1\. Humor helps. Listen to jokes/comedians. 2\. Don't care too much. If you
have sex, sleep and food you succeed at life.

------
awjr
Cycle. Seriously. Cycle. Meditate while cycling. Stop and view the scenery.
Appreciate the beauty around you. Feel the miles go by.

------
vemv
Hit the gym, first lift (might release some 'emotion'), then use the spa for
definitely disconnecting.

Hope it helps, it sure has helped me!

------
cylinder
work should not be this stressful, leave your job.

------
synweap15
I think the important part is to understand, that you are in charge for
bringing those emotions from work back home.

------
ljf
It is hard, but always remember that people are responding to the situation,
to their own drivers/measures, and their own issues, and _not_ first and
foremost to the person you are - but to the message you deliver.

That isn't easy, but if you can forgive their action/reaction and don't focus
on the person, you can start to separate those feelings out.

Take time in your responses to others - don't feel you need to respond to that
email until you've had time to think it through, sleep on it if needs be. Do
what you can to diffuse the situation.

But first and foremost question if this is the right company/culture for you.
I've had working experiences that have upset me, but talking with people at
the company actually helped to bring about great change - so I didn't need to
leave (which was an option), but if it hadn't I certainly would have left, and
I'm certain I would have found something new that I loved. In the end I did
move on (for other reasons) and have found a position in a very supportive
company - the benefits to me personally are huge and I'm sure they also
positively impact my family and friends. Don't 'wear' the pain.

Lastly:
[http://www.explainxkcd.com/wiki/index.php/1768:_Settling](http://www.explainxkcd.com/wiki/index.php/1768:_Settling)

------
strictnein
It's tough to accomplish before you get home, but I find a good nap really
helps clear the head.

------
patothon
Why don't you change job to work at a place that doesn't mess with your
emotions?

------
franze
Well, most people use alcohol,I prefer exhausting yoga with some kick boxing
afterwards.

------
ianai
I practice the letting go portion of meditation through the day. Or I swear in
the car.

------
nyrulez
"Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck" : Read that book. It can help a lot.

------
ianamartin
This is a touchy subject, and I want to start by saying that everyone is going
to have their own answer.

My answer, when I've been in a situation like this, is to literally talk out
loud to myself about what I value and what I care about.

We only get upset about things that we care about. And we only get the most
upset about the things that we care about the most.

I had a much more angry, frustrated life when I was a professional violinist
than I've ever had as a software developer. When I would play some bad gig for
a few bucks and some clown conductor would show up and ruin this piece of
music that I spent my life studying, it would make me rage. Or if one of the
other violinists in the orchestra I was sitting next to was fucking up and
ruining things. . . again, rage. WHY ARE YOU RUINING MY ART, YOU SICK,
IRRESPONSIBLE FUCK?!

Or if I was playing a solo with an orchestra that wasn't so hot. Ugh. Why are
you doing this to Brahms?

It's genuinely hard to figure this out when you really care about something.

I ended up quitting music as a profession and going into software. I care
about the companies that I've worked for, and I care about my role in that and
the quality of the code I write. But it's not my life. And I still play my
violin with a few groups in NYC. That's not my life either.

I think it boils down to understanding the difference between the means to an
end and the end itself.

If you love software the way I love Brahms, great. But don't expect to get
that love expressed or respected at work. Recognize the role that work has in
your life. It's a means to an end. It's not the end itself. It's a way to get
to do the things you love to do with your family.

I decided a long time ago that doing the things that I love the way they
should (in my opinion) be done, was up to me. For me that was music. And to a
certain extent it has become writing software.

In my mind, a job is a thing that you do, and do well and passionately, for
the purpose of supporting the things that you really care about. Maybe it's
family, maybe it's writing a novel, maybe it's being a dancer. Who knows.

Again, I want to be careful about the way that I phrase this, but it sounds to
me that you have a priority issue.

You need to decide what's really important to you. When you figure that out, I
suspect everything else will fall into place.

I'm sorry you are going though this, and I hope you come out of it in a better
place. I could be totally and completely wrong, but I don't think there's any
little ritual that's going to fix this. You just have to make decisions about
what is worth caring about.

Is it your current job, or is it your family?

------
zuzuleinen
Go to gym straight after work, and then home. Works wonders for me.

------
staticelf
If you get that mad at your job I would suggest switching jobs man.

------
cafard
Long ago, I found that running home (eight to ten miles) helped.

------
wcummings
Learn an instrument.

------
amelius
Work on your posture. Check this study: [1]

[1]
[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/27634065](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/27634065)

------
sixonesixo
i've got the same problem but the opposite way, i'm struggling on not bringing
emotion from home to work

------
artur_makly
and just as important... vice versa

------
LeicaLatte
Practice, practice, practice.

------
perfunctory
work less.

------
kruhft
Weed.

------
movetheworld
One simple trick I used when in the same situation, was to train myself to
block all work-related thoughts. - "Stop! Does it help my thinking of work?
No. Then stop." In the beginning you have to learn that you are actually
thinking of work right now, so to adopt a pattern of blocking. Later, it gets
easier.

