
Intro Etiquette - mattstrayer
http://startupped.me/post/79221210061/you-suck-at-intro-etiquette
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jtoeman
same comment I left on the post:

This is missing a HUGE aspect of intro etiquette - DOUBLE OPT-IN, almost all
the time (and if you aren't sure, then it's ALL the time). If you want your
contacts to be worth something, be respectful of them.

Here's my "workflow"

1\. Intro request comes from Bob who wants to meet Jim

2\. I review Bob's email, make sure it's short and to the point, and includes
WHY it's a request. If I don't think it hits the money, send feedback and
recommend edits to Bob. Wait for acceptable email - which must be its own, NEW
& clean email. [edited for clarity: i inform Bob that I will send him whatever
he writes to Jim, thus allowing him to position himself/his need/the
opportunity in his own words]

3\. I forward Bob's entire good email to Jim, which includes _MY_ take on the
matter (I think Bob's a great guy, or I am not familiar with Bob's company,
but we've worked together before and he's worth meeting, or whatever).

4\. If, AND ONLY IF, I get a reply from Jim agreeing to the intro, do I
continue forward. But if Jim says he doesn't want the intro, I politely
decline back to Bob.

Personally, I hate it when someone dumps an intro in my lap - it just isn't
courteous or respectful in my opinion.

~~~
mapgrep
So it's respectful to forward someone's entire email verbatim without their
permission, to talk about said person behind his back, and to spread a simple
email introduction over four time-consuming emails instead of two? But it's
NOT respectful to just, like, quickly and painlessly introduce the people and
assume if it's unwanted it will be ignored like all unwanted email?

I'm not saying your technique is definitely WRONG, but I _am_ saying you
shouldn't assume it's superior.

~~~
jtoeman
chill - i _inform_ the person I'm introing that i will be forwarding it, they
are very aware.

and no, unwanted email coming from someone i value the relationship with
carries negativity and tarnishes my relationship.

~~~
jtoeman
when did i "judge others"? seriously? before this becomes some weird ad
hominem thing, let's leave it with: go do your intros however you'd like, and
good luck in life, i really don't care that much about this yet still feel i'm
entitled to my opinion, thanks.

~~~
mapgrep
The judgy bit was "it just isn't courteous or respectful."

Of course you're entitled to your opinion, where did I say otherwise?

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chunsaker
One thing missing here: Ask the "target" person before lobbing an introduction
into their inbox.

Intros aren't always welcome - the target could be busy, traveling or have a
conflict of interest. They may not be in a position to give that person time,
however helpful they would like to be. When the supplier assumes the
introduction is okay, they can put both sides of the intro in a tough spot.

~~~
wallacrw
I disagree with this in 9/10 cases. If you're so busy you can't take 15
minutes to chat with someone who comes from outside your network, you're doing
something wrong. Get over yourself, take the intro and try to be classy about
it.

The 1/10 case would be intros to people who are either in a position where
they likely receive dozens of emails from folks they don't know every day
(e.g., VCs) or folks with enough name recognition to be in that same spot
(e.g., famous people you might know).

You might jeopardize your relationship with the person in that case, but for
most of your friends and pretty much anyone reading this comment, you're
better off being open instead of self-important.

~~~
jtoeman
couldn't disagree more. introing someone without checking in is disrespectful
of the other person's time. at least 9/10 times.

~~~
wallacrw
This perspective asks too much of everyone. If I want to make an intro to you,
it's because I think it's helpful. It's the opposite of disrespect.

To then place the additional burden on me of checking in with you first is, in
my mind, just cocky. Not my job to know your schedule, and how about
respecting the fact that I'm trying to help?

People who insist on pre-introductions are vastly overestimating how much
others should be thinking about them or "respecting their time," which is
actually no one else's business. Responsible adults can handle the additional
burden of someone trying to help.

~~~
jtoeman
OK, so I'll add some context, you tell me what you think. I have almost 20
years experience in 2 very niche fields (consumer electronics and TV
technologies). As a result, I've built up a lot of domain expertise and a lot
of industry contacts. Again - no judgement here on whether I'm _good_ or not,
just stating some facts.

I frequently get emails from people introducing me to "Bob" who is starting a
hardware startup and really wants to learn how to bring a gadget to market.
For me, this is fun - I _love_ to talk about this stuff. I've
mentored/nurtured/consulted for dozens of these startups, and continue to do
so to this day.

BUT - I'm also running a startup and have a family at home. Which means I have
much, much less time available than I used to. So every "Fun" activity I
choose to take takes away from either my work time or my personal time. This
is fine - as long as I can manage it. Which I do. Until requests show up
uninvited. Which now puts, as I've said, a burden in my lap.

I can choose to either (A) reply and take on the intro, (B) reply and decline
(as politely as I possibly can), or (C) ignore it. So I never do (C), as I
feel it's rude, but I can guarantee you that every time I do (B) I create a
negative perception about myself.

I don't like being put in a position where I have to tell other people - who
genuinely could use my help - that I am too busy for them. But what else am I
supposed to do?

Whereas when my colleague asks if I'm up for an intro, and I can say no to
someone who I already have a relationship with, _and will understand me_ , is
fine to me.

Maybe you think the above is wrong, but I don't...

Looking forward to your reply.

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polarix
Well, I guess I have some terrible flavor of social anxiety or something,
because it often takes me half an hour or more of ugh to compose even a short
reply if I'm introduced to someone, so this ends up being a huge boulder in my
todo list. I suppose if people take this attitude in response the situation
will simply resolve itself.

~~~
shalmanese
I used to feel that way sometimes but I ended up fixing it by mechanizing the
process to a significant extent (note: I still write each one out completely
by hand without any template but I know the main points I want to hit).

Whenever an intro comes in, I divide it into one of a few buckets and
immediately send a mostly rote email back quickly:

* Highly interested - schedule a F2F or phone meeting within in the next week, suggest two dates to discuss more ("Wow, that sounds cool, would love to catch up in person to discuss more, are you available X or Y? I'm based in A but willing to travel anywhere around B")

* Kinda interested, being polite - suggest a phone meeting and strongly time box it ("This sounds potentially interesting. I can do a 15 minute call at X before my next appointment)

* Non-commital - Ask for more info, put the onus on the other party. ("Hey, would love to hear more about this, can you forward me X & Y so I can get a better understanding of how I can be helpful?")

* Useless - Polite brushoff ("Hey, I took a look and I don't think I'm the right person to help you with this for X & Y reason. Maybe you could try A & B? Thanks")

I think the key was to not put so much onus on the next step. By the end of
the intro, I barely have any info, my main goal is to gather more to make a
decision.

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trevoragilbert
1 - Double opt-in like jtoeman says is key

2 - "but if someone I intro doesn’t reply before the intro-ee does, they’re
going to have a hard time getting another one from me. Ever." I've _never_
heard this before, and am not even sure it's remotely reasonable.

~~~
glaugh
Agreed on #2. My rule of thumb is to respond within 24 hours. If the intro-ee
responds quicker, no biggie.

On the flip side, when I'm the intro-ee, I don't really care. I'm almost never
the one to reply first, but if someone takes a week to respond, whatever.

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borski
YES! A thousand times yes.

This is, far and away, the cleanest and most useful summary of what I believe
to be perfect intro etiquette I've ever seen. If everyone did this, the
startup world (at least) would be a much better place.

[EDIT] I do, however, agree with this:
[https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7380538](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7380538)

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bruceb
"Intro replies need to be timely. If you’re the one being introduced, it’s
your job to reply, and now. If the person you’re being introduced to replies
first, you’ve lost the game."

So true. Don't half ass it. If you are being introduced to someone then most
likely their time is valuable. Why would they bother with you if you don't
show them you value them?

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kosei
Too much of intro etiquette is about personal taste, and there have been
dozens of posts on this subject. Ultimately, I just with the author had led
with the conclusion, which I believe is the most important part:

"Overall, just be timely, use proper grammar, and don’t abuse the intro
supplier’s generosity and you’ll be head and shoulders above the majority."

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nswanberg
I love the contrast between the super informal language of the intro and the
apparently tremendous potential social cost the intro implies. It's like
covering an M-16 with Hello Kitty stickers. Has anyone written a novel of
manners for Silicon Valley?

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adamb0mb1
I agree with this post on all fronts.

What I find most interesting is that this reached the frontpage. I've never
actually had people (a) not respond to intros quickly, or (b) not been
appreciative.

Have you guys had issues with this?

~~~
ebuchholz
I actually wrote this because I've given several intros in the last month
where the person I introduced never replied. Then I get an email from the
person I introduced them to a few days later saying "What's up with that?".

Just embarrassing.

~~~
gk1
If it's laziness on the part of the person being introduced, then it's pretty
bad and you should stop doing favors for that person. However, I've had
situations where the person being introduced simply didn't realize the ball
was in their court. A quick message to that person should do the trick; "Hope
this helps! You should follow-up with John as soon as you can."

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CompassMD
The only thing worse than not responding is giving a weak or half-ass intro.
If you're going to intro someone, give them something strong to stand on.

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nofxsnap
Yeah, I never understand why it takes so long to respond to an email. Just a
one line of "Hey, got this, will chat soon" would suffice.

~~~
mattstrayer
Outrageous - Someone sticks their neck out to give you an intro and you
effectively lop it off when you fail to respond.

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lukeeandrews
100% true on all fronts.

