

Ask HN: I broke one relationship, and missed another, worth it? - sad_guy

Note 1: This is a throwaway account, for obvious reason.<p>Note 2: I posted the same story at http://answers.onstartups.com/questions/20803/true-story-i-broke-one-relationship-and-missed-another-because-of-my-startup-i. But so far, no response. I think it would be good if I cross post it here.<p>Here it goes.<p>I started to work on my startup since last year January. At that time I had a girlfriend. She was very supportive of me when I first started. I told her upfront that the startup would be a very consuming job by itself, and on top of that I had another full time job because I needed the income to support my living expenses. She said she could cope with it; and she could find other form of entertainment and won't do anything to jeopardize the relationship. Note that at that point of time I didn't even ask her to support me, either financially, emotionally, and I didn't ask her to share my stress, work load and troubles.<p>All I asked from her, was to not cheat on me.<p>Fast forward to six months later, just as my startup was showing signs of life , I found out that .... she did cheat on me. I was heart broken and promptly broke up with her. She was sad and pleading for second chance; she wanted to salvage the relationship.<p>I said no.<p>I would need full energy and concentration to deal with two demanding programming jobs day and night; I didn't want to remain in a relationship with no trust; I didn't want to check on her everyday. That was just painful.<p>Then I met another girl two months after the broke-up. We showed some affection towards each other. But the hurt was still lingering in my mind. I afraid that if I launched a full-fledged relationship with her, the same thing would happen to me again, for the same reason. So I was very cautious, refraining from taking the relationship into deeper water. We were dating like twice a month-- going to movies, having dinner together, just very casual and friend-type of meeting and nothing sexual ( we were less opened to sex than most western countries). But we did SMS daily. I got this strong feeling that if I openly pursued her, I could easily won her over.<p>But I didn't; the cost of pursuing a girl might not be very high but the cost of maintaining a relationship is. I wasn't sure I wanted to make that kind of commitment. And of course, the memories from previous relationship didn't help.<p>I told her that I would be concentrated on my startup, which by the time, was showing very good sign-- so good that it was generating at least twice of my full time income ( and my full time income is already very high by my country standard), and I was prepared to go full time. I also told her, frankly, about my past relationship failures and I didn't really know whom to trust/ not to trust. She laughed, assured me that most girls weren't like my ex, and they would be willing to sacrifice for the boys.<p>Still, I was unsure of that, so I didn't make move.<p>And then, yesterday.<p>She SMSed me, telling me that she got a boyfriend. I was stunt, and sad. I couldn't help but feel that I actually miss the opportunity for a fruitful relationship because I was too absorbed in my work and being too defensive.<p>A no small part in me started to question what I believed: is it worthwhile to do a startup, embark on a journey full of risks, and break all the relationship?<p>Usually I was very motivated and optimistic . But as I woke up in the morning today, for the first time in many many years, tears streamed down from my eyes; a sense of emptiness engulfed me. What's the point of earning all the money in the world, and having no relationship, no life?<p>Is it worth it? Any advice you can give?
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Dnguyen
Not to downplay your situation. I assume you're still young. But life is full
of choices. There's no way to know which is the best choice at the moment. All
you can do is make a choice, give it everything you got, and you won't regret
it. I promise! Just like you are doing with your start up. As for finding the
right girl, don't worry the right one WILL come, just when you least expected.
In reality, there isn't just one right one. Just as you are not attracted to
just one girl. Any relationship requires (much) effort to make it works; just
as your relationship with your startup. You are just not ready for a personal
relationship now. But that should stop you from going out and having fun with
friends. And when you are ready, one of those friendship will turn into a
relationship.

------
thetrumanshow
I went through a phase where I just HAD to have a certain girl in my life to
make my life complete. I endured sooo much pain because of it.

Anyway, I only say this because, in retrospect, I think it was all just
biology. If, despite your emotional state, you can just manage to wrap your
head around that for a second, then maybe it will help you.

Keep going the way you're going as long as you're enjoying the ride. On the
other hand, don't wait for forever until you find the time to commit to a
relationship. They can be very rewarding, and you should definitely try to
have that experience at some point in your life.

~~~
sad_guy
I wish I could find the time, and when the time is right I could find a girl
whom I can share my life with.

Having these two events happening at the same time takes a bit of luck, I
afraid.

~~~
thetrumanshow
My dad said this to me at a particular low point in my life, perhaps its
relevant: "This hard time you're going through right now is just the way life
is for you _right now_ at this moment. For better or for worse, life is always
changing, and things WILL NOT be the same tomorrow as they are today." ... I
always drew encouragement from that when the chips were down.

Take care.

------
Jcasc
Paul Graham on How to Start a Startup

<http://paulgraham.com/start.html>

"During this time you'll do little but work, because when you're not working,
your competitors will be. My only leisure activities were running, which I
needed to do to keep working anyway, and about fifteen minutes of reading a
night. I had a girlfriend for a total of two months during that three year
period. Every couple weeks I would take a few hours off to visit a used
bookshop or go to a friend's house for dinner. I went to visit my family
twice. Otherwise I just worked."

You have to want it, buddy.

------
logjam
Sorry it's been a rough time. Losses you describe are stressful and painful -
take care of yourself, exercise, lean on those close to you, and keep talking.

We're all different, but I'm exponentially more efficient and creative when I
can find a balance and take time to sharpen the saw. We're humans - we tend to
need or at least enjoy other humans.

Good on you, hang in there.

