
Ask HN: How to not feel guilty or ashamed about not knowing something? - throwaway892034
My career has taken a non-linear route to development. I didn&#x27;t go to college and I barely graduated high school due to familial environmental factors. Regardless, I got a low salary job working for FANG and worked my way up into a developer position. It took a lot of studying Algebra, which I had previously flunked, and Python with a dribble of CS.<p>I&#x27;m still pushing myself to learn every day, but I constantly feel inundated by things I don&#x27;t know and intimidated by people with amazing technical backgrounds. Others seem fine not knowing something, but for me it eats at my self-esteem, making it harder to be confident at work and difficult to enjoy the learning process.<p>How do you handle not knowing and cope with the impossibility of knowing everything?
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JohnFen
The key is in what you said -- recognizing that it's impossible to know
everything. This is true for me, you, and everyone else.

What this means is that it makes no sense to feel guilty or ashamed about it,
since it's not only an inescapable situation, it's the same situation that
literally everyone is in.

What should cause shame and embarrassment is acting like (or believing that)
you know something when you don't!

I'm a big believer in two things related to this:

1) Kettering's Principle of Intelligent Ignorance. The most important thing to
know is what the limit of your knowledge is. We are all ignorant of more
things that we have knowledge about, after all, and knowing what you're
ignorant of helps keep you out of traps and enhances your credibility.

In other words, intelligent people recognize their ignorance. Unintelligent
people are blind to their ignorance.

2) Discovering that you're wrong about something is a moment to be celebrated,
not ashamed of. Being corrected means that I've just become a little less
stupid. That's a great thing! As a corollary, acknowledging to others that
you've been wrong enhances your credibility to others. It does not reduce it.

Professionally, the important thing is that you have a overview-level
knowledge of most things, and an in-depth knowledge of the things that are
important to your position (and positions that you're aiming to achieve).
That's a much lighter lift than trying to be competent in everything.

~~~
sloaken
Very well put.

I would add, once something is explained to you, then you must know it.
Nothing is worse than explaining the same thing 5 times. I find writing it
when told is of value as it helps to enforce it.

~~~
JohnFen
That's an excellent observation.

This is going a bit afield, but I developed a general workplace habit a long
time ago that also covers this... whenever I have any important verbal work-
related discussions, including when someone teaches me something, I write an
email to them restating my understanding of what was said.

I've found this valuable because it can happen that I've misunderstood what
was said and this can serve as a sort of error-check against that. It also
serves as notes for future reference and, as you say, helps to cement it in my
mind.

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sigmaprimus
I think rather than focus on your problem of not knowing, I would suggest you
take stock of what you do know and find value in that. You mentioned that you
started out at the bottom and have worked your way up, maybe it's time to pay
forward the opportunity that was given to you. Find someone that is just
starting out and give them a boost, maybe help them understand something they
are struggling with.

IMHO Nothing will make you feel better, and also reinforce your understanding
than helping someone else learn something you know. I would also look to
someone higher up than yourself and reach out for help in learning something
your having trouble with, most people will go the extra mile to share their
knowledge for the reason I gave above.

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muabanthuoctay
I am the same situation as you, when working in a professional environment and
with colleagues who are more qualified than me in terms of qualifications and
knowledge, but that makes me constantly study and supplement knowledge and
skills. to be able to follow them. and now I am managing a website of my
company, glad that my effort paid off, and I believe you too, please visit my
website, welcome you
[https://muabanthuoctay.com/](https://muabanthuoctay.com/)

~~~
JohnFen
> working in a professional environment and with colleagues who are more
> qualified than me in terms of qualifications and knowledge, but that makes
> me constantly study and supplement knowledge and skills.

Yes, this is important. I learned a couple of decades ago that I am happiest
when I'm working with people who are a bit more skilled and knowledgeable than
I am. Not too much -- that's hard on my ego -- but some. Working with such
people means that I have to stretch myself and gives me an expanded pool of
people I can learn from, so it makes me a better dev.

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quickthrower2
You are always going to find people who know something you don’t, but the core
discipline to learn and progress you have more than proven. Knowing more stuff
is just like a cache in a way. You can do any one your peers can do if you
learn that thing. But no one can learn everything! Hence teams exist with
different skill sets. You’ve done amazingly well to get this far. It’s ok to
keep going up, it’s ok to cruise for a while too. Good luck!

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AnimalMuppet
It took me until I was 50+ to not feel guilty about not knowing something.
Before that, my answer was not "I don't know", but "let me get back to you". I
would then find out and get back to them.

What changed? I think the team got bigger, I got more responsibility, and I
just got tired. I'm not the only one who can answer the question. There are
other people who know (most) areas better than me, and they can answer the
question. And I don't have the energy to be the guy who digs up all the
answers. I've got other things I need to do with my time.

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rabidonrails
You're overstating the advantage of "knowing everything." Instead realize that
there is an advantage to _wanting_ to learn, attempting, and improving.

Answer honestly, ask for help, and learn.

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tmcb
This covers so much more things than you actual question, but let me try.

You must realize that self confidence is not about thinking you are the best
on what you do, but making sure that you are trying to do your best at every
opportunity that you are given.

Once you assimilate that, you will understand that asking for help is
sometimes the best way to do your best. And you will grow as a person with
that.

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akulbe
Would love to talk to you further. Our stories are very similar.

