
Ask HN: Looking for help/advice/mentoring resources online, free or paid - background-user
My life is a mess. I am lost in regard to what I want to do, what are my abilities, and at the same time, I think I am not good enough to compete with other people in our globalized ultra-competitive job market. On top of that, I feel like my life is going nowhere.<p>To add insult to injury, I feel very lonely even though I have 4-5 friends with whom I talk once in a while.<p>I am already seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist, having said so, they have not been able to address and help me out in questions like &quot;I feel like even though I like a variety of fields, I at the same time have failed in every attempt I&#x27;ve had in studying &quot;insert x field&quot; since I was 16 years old&quot;.<p>BTW, I am a 20 year old male from Spain who dropped out of uni during my freshman year in CS after failing every single subject I had, and 3 months ago I dropped out of vocational school where I was studying Robotics &amp; Automation. I was only to graduate from High School even though I failed 2 core subjects (biology and chemistry) because of the &quot;mercy&quot; of the respective teachers that taught me those subjects.<p>I objectively think I am a failure because of the reasons described beforehand &amp; other causes.<p>Therefore, what are some help&#x2F;advice&#x2F;mentoring resources online both free and&#x2F;or paid that could help me out in my current situation?<p>Thanks in advance.
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8bitsrule
Lots of (now) very-well known people (literally _thousands_ ) had a difficult
time finding their way before their 30s. This is the oldest story in the
world.

Find a source of income that will allow you time to _explore new
possibilities_ \- outside of school. There's a whole world out there. There
are countless ways to live that you haven't heard of yet, or had time to
consider. You can't 'objectively' be a failure ... unless you fail yourself.

~~~
sloaken
Great points. I know people in there 40s and 50s who are still lost.

I had one friend who started uni and decided they did not know what they
wanted, worked at a hotel for 4 years and then went back.

I also have known many many people who struggled for direction in the 18 -24
year range. Many joined the military for a few years, and most, not all, like
85%, had a good handle on life. Several have been very successful.

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mariocesar
I'm actually in the other side, looking for people to mentor! Since the
outbreak I started to stream daily and build apps for friends and recording
all the process.

I agree with some comments about you to focus on getting more of a Culture
growth that trying to hard to have hard skills. However building projects with
a meaningful outcome, interact with others in what you want to be your work
later, or just try to get both Culture and Skills at the same time.

If you have time we could do a live ! I'm full stack programmer with 12 years
of Work experience.

My youtube channel:
[https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCW7WUg3fWY4QHQTNsSEdNFQ](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCW7WUg3fWY4QHQTNsSEdNFQ)

~~~
background-user
Incredible work, I checked out/skimmed over a couple of your videos and kudos
to you, seems like a great way to share your knowledge <3

I'll definitely checked them out fully when I feel like it :)

Having said so, and I am thankful for your offer, but I suck at programming.
It'd be more than annoying for you to interact with me, and so on. I'd have to
learn a programming language from scratch, basically.

¡Gracias por tu respuesta!

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jackallis
when i first read the first three paragraphs, i thought this must be a burned
out late 30s to early 40s guy. then i saw 20.

20, 20, what 20.

listen to me, you have not failed at anything, anything. this is the time to
make mistakes here. gohead f'up. make mistakes. your are only 20. take risk,
you have more upside then downside.

TRUST me, you will figure it out.

~~~
background-user
Thanks for the optimism, I've been told this more than once :)

However, it's hard for me not to compare myself with peers of my age who
already have it figured it out so to speak, who have not failed as much as
I've had and etc...

That's why I am asking for resources to help me out, as it seems like my life
is a concatenation of failures, so to speak.

~~~
eshwar
Classic peer pressure thing. You're not helping yourself with peer
comparisons. I'll tell you right now. If being a beggar was fashionable and
your peer group was doing it, then you'll be wanting to do that? Just think
about this for yourself. You can NOT think about your peers and do whatever
you are doing well. Isn't it obvious?

~~~
background-user
Indeed you are right, and I get what you mean. However this doesn't only come
from peers, it comes from for example from my parents (who one could argue at
the same time are influenced by "society" and so on), and it simply isn't easy
to ignore their wishes for me to have a better and "proper" life, especially
when I am dependent on them atm for my livelihood.

This is a tricky question to find a good answer for, but all in all, yes you
are right. Indeed, everyone is different and everyone doesn't have a set path.
However, I don't know how I could brainwash myself to think like that in my
day to day life, not only when I am "deeply thinking about it".

------
AOsborn
I want to suggest building an effective daily routine and focusing on general
health, fitness and wellbeing as the first step before you aim to solve
anything else.

I dismissed the importance of many aspects of the above for many years before
I saw the importance for myself.

In practical terms, what I mean is that unless you're physically healthy you
won't be able to operate at anywhere near optimal mental capacity.

This can affect your focus, mood and motivation - for example you can work on
your projects but don't manage to complete as much as you like. I was always
dismissive because I thought "I don't have depression, I'm fine" and then
neglected my health. My killer issue was sleep - I was fit, healthy,
confident, successful, but operating on 3-4 hours sleep a night. Only in
hindsight can I see how that affected so many years of my life. Correcting
that did wonders in weeks.

Specific things to focus on:

\- Get enough sleep (7-8 hours+)

\- Get consistent sleep (Read up on sleep hygiene, you need consistency)

\- Get to the gym and lift weights x3+ weekly (Especially as a male. Develop
your body and your mind will follow. Heavy weights, compound lifts)

\- Eat a healthy, whole foods based diet (If you're eating like crap, how can
you expect to function well)

Maybe you have all this sorted already. But otherwise, take a few steps back
and look at your priorities. Investing in yourself is the best thing you can
do.

~~~
background-user
Wow. 3-4 hours is little sleep indeed and I can definitely understand how that
can be very detrimental to your health. Hope you are better now.

For me it isn't sleep per se, but rather my sleep schedule. Simply put,
because during the last 3 years of my life I had classes during the evening, I
not only tend to sleep later on, but it never seems like I have a regular
schedule. One day I might go to sleep at 3 AM, the other day at 6 AM, etc..

Thanks for the advice, you are right when it comes down to everything else. I
am facing the chicken and egg problem in regard to this, though, since it's a
constant cycle of feeling like I'm not worth anything -> why even do exercise
-> when I do exercise, I am going to fuck up again -> same cycle all over
again. It's a self-destructive mindset.

------
eshwar
Step 1: Take time off from yourself and your opinions about yourself (stuff
like I am not cut out for this, I am a failure da di da di da). Stop this
destructive cycle and stop playing victim. You are not helping yourself or the
world with this mode of thinking.

Step 2: Realize that you are alive and breathing is the greatest thing. I mean
we are all mortal and could be gone anytime. I cannot understate the
importance of reminding ourselves about this.

Step 3: Realize that Success and Failure are 2 sides of the same coin. Success
and Failure are also 2 constructs/labels of society. Honest to God, let me
tell you nobody knows what they are doing and why. So you are in a somewhat
better situation in terms of looking at what you really want right now. Go
inside yourself and introspect. Forget about what society considers Success
and Failure.

Step 4: Realize that you can only do things to the BEST OF YOUR ability. Which
means forget about what others are doing.

Step 5: Balance. I mean inner balance. Don't even try anything without setting
course inside first.

So to summarize, go to a quiet place wherever, relax and sit around and
introspect for a few days even a month. And do whatever it takes to find
"unshakeable" balance inside, meaning no desperation/fear. >Do whatever you
want. And this only you know for yourself. Nobody can tell you.

~~~
background-user
Thanks for the supportive message, and if I am completely honest to you, I
find it very hard to think like you do.

In response to each of your steps:

Step 1: I will try to do this, however, what I am most afraid of is that my
past dictates what I can be in the future. Therefore, since I cannot see any
"successes" in the last 5 years of my life, "25% of it", I cannot imagine my
future going any better.

Step 2: Yes, I understand this perfectly. I've suffered from some help
problems and you're than 100% right.

Step 3: Well, that's hard to do as once George Costanza said Seinfeld said
"You know, we live in a SOCIETY". I believe that one of the most important
aspects of our lives is to feel comfortable where we live in, and thus simply
"ignoring" what our society considers failure and success is simply
impossible. I do however indeed share the sentiment that this is not something
objective.

Step 4: Oh boy. This is a very hard one for me. It's impossible for me to
think like that, because it seems like we since we are little are rewarded for
being better than someone, for having better grades, for being more popular
and whatnot. Later on in our lives we are rewarded for having a better job w/
more money, a better SO on average if we are a better, etc... This is why I
simply cannot think that it's enough to do my best, and I understand this
mindset is not only self-defeating but straight out detrimental, but I don't
know what to do about it.

Step 5: No comment.

Thanks for your response again, however I am asking for the opposite, so to
speak. I'm tired of being myself, I'm tired of living life wandering around
with no compass and the consequences of being like that. That's why I created
this post.

------
lcall
I have spent a lot of time thinking and writing about exactly this, for some
years (edit: it is all free, and skimmable, I hope). My web site (simple tech,
lots of content, no cookies or javascript, no tracking besides whatever my ISP
logs that I haven't looked at in a long time) is at:
[http://lukecall.net](http://lukecall.net) . I can be contacted via the email
address in the page footers.

Edit: (ps: some things I have learned for myself about the nature and purpose
of life, and no longer have to ask anyone else or wonder. The same is
available to you to determine, if you want.)

pps: I have also learned that each person has infinite worth: that means you,
right now, have infinite worth: Ud. mismo tiene valor infinito. Don't let your
self-view be determined by comparison to your perception of what others are
doing. There is so much more.... No deje nunca que sus pensamientos consideren
que Ud. no tenga valor.

~~~
background-user
Wow, awesome! I'll definitely read it over when I get some free time. Thanks
;)

~~~
lcall
Any feedback appreciated. :) Cuidese mucho!

------
softwareman
I think you are too self-centered as of now. You need to de-focus.

To do that, the best advice I can give you is Travel (obviously once the
corona thing is taken care of). Travel a lot and do travel on shoestring
budget. This gives you the opportunity to meet new people, new geographies and
help you cultivate new ideas and slowly form a picture of your life on your
own.

This also helps you in start to focus on others instead of your own self at
all times.

~~~
background-user
Interesting, I hadn't considered that. Indeed, I haven't traveled a lot in my
life, mostly because my parents are let's just say not that well off. Indeed,
if I can, I'll try to do that after the COVID-19 pandemic is over, if, of
course, I find the money necessary to do that somehow.

Thanks for your advice :)

------
hkiely
My best advice is to keep doing what you are doing and get better at it, or
find something else.

~~~
background-user
Right now I am not doing anything, and I am looking for something new in my
life. That's why I am asking for resources to find "my path", as I've already
dropped out twice from official post-HS institutions and to put it mildly "I
don't want to f*ck up again".

Thanks for your reply.

~~~
deeteecee
What made you drop out of the vocational school?

~~~
background-user
A combination of factors, actually. To start with, I cut one of my fingers and
had to have surgery for it, which made me lose a month in classes while I
recuperated. Secondly, there were a couple of subjects that I found myself to
be "too dumb for", like programming.

I for the love of God, cannot understand how to program, or at the same speed
necessary to do it effectively. Also I have problems with concentration and
studying. At the same time, it seems like programming is the future.
Everything is one way or another related to this, and me being not very good
at it completely destroys my self-confidence.

Lastly, I felt like I couldn't be around work w/ electricity. I would live a
life of daily constant thought of "I made this mistake and bam, I could be
dead".

There are many more factors, but those are the main ones. Thanks for asking.

~~~
gpetukhov
Seems like you might have ADD or depression. Talk to your doctor about that.
Proper medication might be the solution.

~~~
background-user
I've already talked about this to my doctor, and I am already taking anti-
anxiety meds. As I mentioned before in my post, I am already seeing both a
psychiatrist and a psychologist. I also asked them if I had ADHD, and they
told me that I did not.

------
lhuser123
I’m no expert, but would suggest try to focus on the future. What would you
like to be doing 5 years from now. Write down all the steps needed to
accomplish it & find a way to remind yourself every day. I recommend the book
The Compound Effect.

~~~
background-user
Thanks for the book recommendation, I'll read it and reply back w/ what I
learned.

I don't know what I want to be doing in 5 years. I simply don't :/ Moreover, I
am afraid of messing things up again when most of my peers my age already have
something going in their lives.

------
jayv99
I would say try another therapist or psychoanalyst who can help you with this.
I got a lot of help from such person. I'm much happier than years ago when I
started. I hope you the best.

~~~
background-user
Already seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist. They do help me out, however
I find them a bit out of touch with my "real world" issues.

