
The worst year of my life - Fletch137
http://maban.co.uk/91/
======
amalcon
No one should have to endure this sort of thing, which is somewhat worse than
what I experienced myself (pervasive internet use is a significant amplifier).

Kids are a lot stronger than we give them credit for -- much stronger than
adults, I think. Primary and secondary schools are an extremely harsh
environment, because they have many of the same problems as prisons to a
lesser degree. We forcibly put large groups of socially underdeveloped people
together, and barely monitor the situation. Kids can't even really escape the
systemic problems at home anymore, due to the internet.

Somehow, the vast majority of our children manage to come out of them more or
less intact. This is nothing less than miraculous, one of the great unsung
triumphs of human spirit.

I keep coming back to how nobody should have to endure this. This triumph is
over an adversity of our own making. We can and should take this more
seriously than any other threat to children, even though they somehow endure
it, because it is more pervasive.

~~~
sillysaurus3
_Somehow, the vast majority of our children manage to come out of them more or
less intact._

Except the ones who kill themsleves. Or the ones who are fundamentally changed
for the rest of their lives. Or the ones who grow a hatred and distrust for
the people in charge who did nothing to protect them. Or...

~~~
amalcon
Sure, I don't mean to imply that bullying does no damage. Quite the opposite,
in fact. The fact that _anyone_ can experience bullying, survive, and go on to
be a productive adult is impressive. The fact that most do is downright
incredible, and were there not so much evidence I would not have believed it
possible.

This does nothing to lessen the tragedy of those who are not so lucky.

~~~
sillysaurus3
_The fact that anyone can experience bullying, survive, and go on to be a
productive adult is impressive._

My point is that many don't. Perhaps most. Your comment serves as "comfort
food" for those who would like to ignore the problem: "It's good that most
children are strong! And it's a pity that some aren't." But _most_ aren't.
People who can be changed so fundamentally for the rest of their lives aren't
strong people.

~~~
amalcon
If people take from my comment that we should ignore the problem, they have no
ability to consider the basic morality.

We are psychologically _torturing_ a large number of children. That burden is
on _us_. We create the situation where bullying is possible, and refuse to
address that consequence in an effective manner. We refuse to even give
children or their parents an effective tool to address it on an individual
level. This makes me sick, and it should make you sick, too.

 _Anyone_ would be fundamentally changed for life by the level of
psychological torture we inflict on our children. It requires significant
strength just to not develop a serious addiction, run away, or commit suicide
-- strength I don't see in most adults I know.

------
kjackson2012
As a former bully, my advice to anyone being bullied is to fight back.

I wasn't someone who would physically attack people, but I would relentlessly
verbally abuse them. I'm not sure about the legal consequences these days but
I know that if the person I picked on punched me in the face, I'd probably
back down. This is what I have told my kids if they ever find themselves
bullied. I'm not sure about the circumstances of the OP but I do think if you
allow the bullying to fester, then kids who normally wouldn't bully start
looking at you as a target and join in. The key is to not make yourself a
target and if they know every time they bully you, that you will fight back
tooth and nail, eventually they will choose someone else. It's sad and unfair,
but true. It's like Lord of the Flies.

The one thing that makes me glad that I'm not younger is the fact that I
didn't have the internet when I was a kid. I know for a fact I would have
engaged in cyberbullying so I'm glad I never had access to a tool like this
when I was at my worst.

~~~
kamaal
As some who was/is(by managers) being bullied.

The best line of defense against bullying is to become indifferent to
bullying. And act like despite the best efforts from the bully, you are just
not getting bullied. Or the bully is trying his/her level best and you just
don't take them seriously at all. Nothing pisses off bullies as badly as this.
You can literally enjoy the expressions on their face when you see how you
have defeated them mentally. And know one thing, bullying is mind tactics. And
you have to fight it out that way.

Like many innocent looking nerds. I was not only bullied by kids, but by a few
teachers too.

Last year, one of my school mates called for re union at a local cafe.
Everyone gathered, among them was a guy who helped my Math teacher in high
school to bully me. He not only bullied me, but fed the teacher with all sorts
of wrong information and got me bullied through him. Anyways the guy was
present, and he doesn't seemed to done anything much in life so far. Then my
other friends sort of praised as to how far I had gone among all other dudes
in our class.

For whatever that brief moment. It looked like the bully's face had dried,
gone cold and the expression on his face looked like a greater defeat had been
handed over to him.

~~~
swombat
Unfortunately, it sounds like you fell in the same trap that I was in for a
number of years after school.

I'm sorry to break it to you, but in your case, the bullies have won.

> _For whatever that brief moment. It looked like the bully 's face had dried,
> gone cold and the expression on his face looked like a greater defeat had
> been handed over to him._

Years later, you still care enough that hurting the bully made you feel good
(and in a serious way: by making him feel that he's a failure in life.
Uppercut!) That's not a victory, my friend, that's defeat. Victory is when
you're free of the long-term influence and side-effects of the bullying.

I strongly encourage you to examine your life and find which parts of it and
of your character have been affected by this bullying, and set to work
actually undoing the influence that this has had on you. As long as you let
the bullying define who you are, you've not won. That's perhaps one of the
most pernicious aspects of bullying - the long-term overshadowing of all the
things you do in your later life.

~~~
kamaal
I get the broad idea.

Actually I never went to the re union with those memories at all. But when I
saw the person, I just recalled everything that happened back then.

>>Years later, you still care enough that hurting the bully made you feel good

Sorry but I never did anything to the bully, but he did it to himself. Instead
of spending his time studying or making good use of the time in some
meaningful way, his plan of action was pull down others.

That can work once or twice, with some helpless people. But life itself is a
bigger problem, and you can't bully life. The fact that most bullies end up in
prison or with permanent problems with anger and people issues. And then land
up in life long economic misery, is a self infliction.

I some how get a feeling that most bullies realize the futility of physical
power in a world where power and money hold the key to success. And then also
realize its the innocent looking nerds who are likely to win big. There fore
try to pre-screw/pre-revenge them for the likely outcome they will face in the
future: "Ending up doing small time jobs for nerds themselves".

------
ishansharma
In 2004? This kind of bullying is inhuman.

I've experienced a bit of bullying (not cyber) and it really affects you a
lot.

I was bullied for 2-3 years and it fundamentally changed me. Before that, I
was a friendly, trusting person who wasn't afraid to lead. Now, I'm more on
reserved and untrusting side.

I also found my sanctuary on the internet and it helped me recover a lot.

Anna, you're brave and strong. Had I been subjected to this level of bullying,
I'd have broken down completely.

~~~
api
"This kind of bullying is inhuman."

Unfortunately it's very human. It's common human behavior, and common behavior
among other social mammals as well.

Nature deals you and everyone else a more or less random hand of genes. Then,
when you reach puberty, you duke it out to establish a pecking order based on
relative fitness indicators. These determine who gets to mate with who, and
who will be closest to the alpha males who will lead the tribe.

This is one reason that despite its trendiness I have never been able to
accept the argument from nature. Nature sucks. Fuck nature. My hope is that we
can start re-engineering this stuff as soon as we are able.

~~~
mattgreenrocks
LessWrong: "we're running on defective hardware."

The argument from nature is completely ghastly from a moral perspective. I
have never seen a solid argument that uses it. It's usually the domain of
pseudo-intellectuals who are grasping at Internet points instead of actually
thinking through the implications of what they're saying. It implicitly
condones a huge swath of anti-social behavior in the pursuit of the all-
important fitness. It inspires no hope, and it demands that you take an
extremely unhealthy interest in your own self.

~~~
api
"The argument from nature is completely ghastly from a moral perspective. I
have never seen a solid argument that uses it. It's usually the domain of
pseudo-intellectuals who are grasping at Internet points instead of actually
thinking through the implications of what they're saying. It implicitly
condones a huge swath of anti-social behavior in the pursuit of the all-
important fitness. It inspires no hope, and it demands that you take an
extremely unhealthy interest in your own self."

That is very well put, and the last point is really an eyebrow-raiser. I've
never seen it before, but now I cannot un-see. If you look deeply into the
natural everything movement that's so popular right now you'll see an odd kind
of cleanliness and purity obsessed narcissism.

------
notlisted
Not adding to a sensible discussion perhaps, but I'm convinced that bullying
is the result of inaction by parents and teachers/schools. Merely standing by
and letting it happen is the worst thing you can do to your children.

As a dad with young kids, I can assure you that if this were to happen to
them, I'd wage all-out cyberwar, on the kids _and_ any parents that didn't
properly curtail their child's behavior after official notifications. From
doxing and redialing faxes to bully-vision youtube channels naming and shaming
their family. It isn't slander if it's true…

I've made it 100% clear to my kids that I've got their backs. It's my duty as
a dad.

Edit: Yes, this story obviously struck a nerve for me. I was bullied as a 12yo
kid for a few months. I was a good kid, and did well in school, which made me
the outlier.

I remember how terrified I was when the bell rang at the end of the school
day, knowing that the pests would be waiting for me on the way home.

I also vividly remember the day my dad took me aside and simply said: "Go
ahead. You have my permission to make them feel sorry. I have your back. Just
don't do it on school property."

The day I took action was a truly glorious and empowering day. Hearing my dad
tell their parents afterwards they had it coming, supported by some
photographic proof of damage caused in the past, was even better. Upside:
nobody ever bothered me again.

This happened a long time ago, and not in the litigious USA where money and
lawsuits get off every bullying 'precious snowflake', yet I'm certain I'd take
that risk today, if official channels failed to ensure the (mental) well-being
of my children.

~~~
cognivore
>> As a dad with young kids, I can assure you that if this were to happen to
them, I'd wage all-out cyberwar, on the kids and any parents that didn't
properly curtail their child's behavior after official notifications. <<

Uh, cyberwar? No. This happened once to my one of my sons. I found out who the
parents where (divorced, different locations) drove to both their houses, and
said, "If your kid doesn't stop today, you, your kid and your family, are not
safe outside this door. I never said this." I put on my best pycho face.
Truly, I was psycho, so it didn't take much.

It stopped.

I was the target of intense intense bullying as a kid. Affected me my whole
life until my 30's. No kids of mine was going through that.

~~~
enraged_camel
>> I found out who the parents where (divorced, different locations) drove to
both their houses, and said, "If your kid doesn't stop today, you, your kid
and your family, are not safe outside this door. I never said this."

Hello, restraining order.

Seriously, there are good ways to deal with situations like this. Threatening
people is not one of those ways.

~~~
cognivore
>> Hello, restraining order. <<

Okay, I'll call that. Have you tried to get a restraining order? Do you know
what's involved?

I've tried: Here's what you get:

What proof do you have? What is your relationship to that person? They deny
it, how do you respond? More bullying, because they know you tried to go
through the system, which favors the aggressor because authorities are too
busy putting pot smokers behind bars.

------
agentultra
I was bullied like this when I was in high school. My car was vandalized on
several occasions, almost everyone would throw food at me if I entered the
cafeteria, and I was hospitalized once after losing one of many fights. A
friend of mine wasn't so lucky and ended up in a coma for six months. That
kind of abuse never leaves you.

Every time I read a story like this it all comes flooding back.

Sadly even > 12 years on and I still don't have any good answers.

~~~
lectrick
Do internet hugs work?

I was bullied from about 12 (right after moving to a new school, a VERY
susceptible time, in hindsight) until at least 14.

I wouldn't call this justice but the main bullier ended up taking a shotgun to
his own head just a few years ago. I have a feeling that bullying harms more
than just the victims, it also harms the perpetrators...

~~~
agentultra
The thought is nice.

I mostly share the story because the idea that you, alone, can stand up to
these sorts of situations doesn't seem right to me.

~~~
lectrick
In some (maybe most?) cases, you can. Bullies look for easy targets. So all
you have to do is decide not to be an easy target and ignore any size
difference. I told a story of doing that here, and it did work:

[https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7646530](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7646530)

The bully I mentioned above, who took a shotgun to his head? He only stopped
bullying me when I threw a basketball into his face (suspension for me, of
course). This was after at least a year or 2 of abuse in junior high.

Here's the thing about bullies- the school iteration is only one kind, and you
can keep running into them later in life. In all cases you will have to stand
up for yourself and fight a bit (perhaps not in actuality, as adults, but it's
the same energy source).

------
onli
There is only one thing possible you can do that help in a situation like
this. It is to fight back. Throw punches (literally), let them be suspended,
arrested, do everything you can do to punish everyone who tries to mess with
you that way. You will gain respect, because you have to, even if you
sometimes lose a fight - legal or physically.

And I know how horribly hard that is while you are under constant attack. And
how it feels how it will make only matters worse. One thinks "maybe it will
stop if one just tries to fit in a bit more, or be a bit invisible" But it
never does.

People behaving like this follow animalic instinct, not reason, so the only
language they understand is on the same level. This doesn't necessarily mean
you have to fight yourself - but hard responses are necessary, and a 2m police
man talking angry to a teen is a hard response.

Edit: Tried to make it a bit clearer that it is not only about fighting
physically.

~~~
brazzy
This is very dangerous advice. You will most likely lose that fight, badly,
because you are in the minority. YOU will most likely end up being suspended
and arrested, because the bullies have friends who will testify against you,
and they're the popular, trustworthy ones.

And escalating violence can quickly get to a point where consequences are
completely out of proportion _especially_ when you're up against people who
"follow animalic instinct" \- anything you do that makes them look bad compels
them to retalitate in kind.

What you need is allies and/or support from authorities.

~~~
hga
As long as one of the bullies is sufficiently bloody, maimed, or dead, you'll
have accomplished your purpose.

Plus you can chose when to retaliate, every member of a group bullying you
can't be with overwhelming numbers all the time, especially at their home and
the like.

I too was "different", brilliant, and bullied to more than a small degree
early on into junior high (8th grade) ... but I had over the years, starting
in elementary school, established a reputation that while I was a generally
very nice and good guy, if you crossed various lines there was _absolutely no
limit_ to what I'd do to retaliate (note, with a continuum of force, just no
upper limit to it). Oh, yeah, I started learning how to shoot in 1st grade,
and was very good at it, although I'm not sure if that was clear to others
until high school when I was on the rifle team (I certainly never made
threats, especially of that nature).

The key, of course, is deterrence. Perhaps it's a Southern (USA) thing; I grew
up in a culturally Southern area, one parent raised in it, another from the
Deep South, although a skewed version of it, Louisiana and Cajun (French
settlers who were forced to leave "Arcadia", a formerly French part of
Canada). So unlike this victim, once a line was crossed, I did care about
getting my adversaries hurt, that was the objective after all. Let it be cost
free and you can see what happens.

Strange anecdote: one day when I was a senior it did come very very close to
serious violence, the closest ever, but the adversary ran into a closed off
for that period area where teachers were. His complaints that I was armed with
a dog choker chain around my right fist fell on deaf ears as I silently and
casually put it in my pocket.

I was later told by a school authority that the school would have done nothing
to me if I'd beaten him up (!). Back then, at least (1979), I guess it made a
difference having a perfect record of good behavior and being college track
etc., vs. being a notorious trouble maker and not so bright (come to think of
it, pretty much all the other bullies had given up by then).

If you can't bring yourself to retaliate, and it's clear to your adversaries
... don't know what to say or advise. But that you'll lose big time, as this
victim did.

~~~
brazzy
> As long as one of the bullies is sufficiently bloody, maimed, or dead,
> you'll have accomplished your purpose.

Unless it's _you_ who ends up bloody, maimed, or dead, which I submit is the
more likely outcome when faced with multiple bullies who are not all stupid
and can lay ambushes for you as easily as you for them.

> I had [...], established a reputation that [..] if you crossed various lines
> there was absolutely no limit to what I'd do to retaliate (note, with a
> continuum of force, just no upper limit to it).

You got lucky that you never went up against someone with the same philosophy.
A continuous escalation of violence is something you need to avoid _at all
costs_.

Retalitate, sure, but not using violence, at least unless you have exhausted
all other options. And kids _suck_ at judging whether they have, because they
misjudge risks and will e.g. consider reporting to the police and being judged
a sissy a greater risk than entering a violent confrontation that could leave
them permanently disabled.

~~~
hga
" _A continuous escalation of violence is something you need to avoid_ at all
costs."

Absolutely, and my continuum didn't have all that many points.

E.g. while I never faced a multiple bully situation as you described above
(the one in college wasn't of that nature), if the first exchange went as you
posit, if and when I recovered from the ambush, I'd have "gone nuclear". In my
case, methodically shot them dead from distance until inevitably stopped (if I
didn't have those skills and weapons availability, command detonated IEDs).

Each level must be met 10 fold at bare minimum, e.g. the 50th time a stocking
cap is stolen, push the bully into busy moving traffic:
[https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7646592](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7646592)

Or just "get the hell out of town" one way or another; for more than a few
respondents in this discussion that would have been the best option. E.g. if a
credible threat of death is not something that fazes them, it's not much of a
threat....

------
C1D
This reminds me of what happened to my self last year. I had a YouTube channel
with Gaming Videos, they went to my channel created a fake Google+ account
using my name and started posting offensive content on it.

They then went to videos with homosexual acts and posted comments with my name
saying things like "I endorse this", etc..

On the Google+ page they posted Male Pornography all under my name.

I went to the Police here in Dubai and after a few weeks of no response I
found out that they lost my file and that I would have to do another report to
get anything done about it.

I eventually took it into my own hands, contacted Google+ send pictures of my
passport and they shutdown the account and removed all Google query's of the
page.

------
Apreche
Cyber bullying isn't any different from regular bullying. Just because
technology is being used doesn't change anything. As most nerds/geeks I was
bullied during my younger school days. Not quite as bad as in the story, bud
badly enough. Technology was not used, but it was bullying all the same.

The real problem is simply that bullying, cyber or not, has no consequences.
Back in the day I was punished more for fighting back than any bully ever was
for harassing me. Until teachers and administrators are given the ability to
actually punish bullies with real consequences, why would they stop?

By seriously punish I don't mean violence. Obviously the right punishment in
each situation will be different. But the first idea that comes to my mind is
to simply remove all the bullies and disruptive students from school and put
them in a separate school of their own. Perhaps a military-style academy?

~~~
brazzy
Cyber bullying _is_ different from regular bullying because it follows you to
your home and your entire outside-school life. This is a huge difference.

~~~
ErrantX
Normal bullying followed me home from school. Okay so life-penetration wasn't
as deep. But, to the point that walking into town on a saturday was risky
business.

The difference with cyber-bullying isn't any of these things; it's just that
it's much harder for other people to see happening (unless, of course, you
show them the messages).

Quite a few times at school people would come across me being bullied; and
more often than not they put a stop to it.

~~~
Pxtl
On the other hand, cyber-bullying doesn't physically beat the crap out of you.
Which kinda sucks when it happens on a daily basis.

~~~
aaronem
Could be both, as for example when not only do you get your ass kicked, but
some prick uses the iPhone Daddy bought him to take video of it, which he
later uploads so he can share the link around your entire school.

Just another point in demonstration of the fact that "cyberbullying" vs "(just
plain) bullying" makes a distinction without a difference.

------
id
Looks like she doesn't want this to be posted here.

[https://twitter.com/anna_debenham/status/459673982149877760](https://twitter.com/anna_debenham/status/459673982149877760)

~~~
CJefferson
Wow, it is interesting that I didn't realise there were groups of people who
knew enough about Hacker News to care about it, and would go out of their way,
including buying ssl certificates and changing solver configs, just to block
HN.

It is distributing to find somewhere you thought of as a "safe place" seems
like such an upsetting place to others. I'm not sure what HN should do about
this, but it is a very disturbing turn of events. Perhaps it is time to pack
up and leave?

~~~
adamors
> somewhere you thought of as a "safe place"

Ha, you must not read a lot of the comments then. HN likes to whip out the
sexist and/or victim blaming rhetoric quite often; it doesn't surprise me at
all that someone would like to distance themselves from this site.

This thread is one hour old and there's already some victim blaming going on.

~~~
drzaiusapelord
You've got to be kidding me. Almost all the responses here are positive and
this forum is extremely politically correct. Just because there's an
occasional bad apple shouldn't be an excuse for you to attack HN in general.
Its unfair, overly critical, and frankly turns the bullying discussion into a
meta-discussion about HN which is unhelpful.

As someone who's been on the receiving end of HN traffic, its a lot of
eyeballs. Its one thing to write a personal blog posting for your 500 readers
and whole other to find 500,000 hits that day.

~~~
adamors
Actually, this thread has been moderated heavily both by us and the mods as
well. A lot of negative stuff has been downvoted or even removed.

------
herokusaki
That is a heartbreaking read. I had to deal with bullying at school but what
is described here is at such a different scale I feel it would be wrong to
compare my experience to the author's. If, like me, you were surprised at
first at the magnanimity she showed towards her bullies (not wanting them to
get a criminal record) consider that even if you absolutely wanted them to be
punished there would have been a psychological price to pressing charges and
going to court, so it would by no means be an easy choice to make.

------
Sodaware
I don't think the term "cyber bullying" really conveys how serious it can be.
I have no idea how anyone could endure this. It's inhuman.

~~~
blueskin_
It's the word "cyber", which is essentially an indicator for "Please ignore
me, I know nothing about this subject" to anyone other than mainstream news
media. If it was called online bullying, it'd be a different story.

~~~
aaronem
Why does it need to be called " _anything_ bullying"? It seems to me that for
anyone who's been bullied, or who hasn't but has seen what it does to someone
who is, the noun stands quite well on its own.

------
rg81
Heartbreaking story. As a father of an 8 month old girl this really tugs at
me. Nobody should have to go through this.

On a positive note, Anna is a very talented designer. Hopefully the positive
experiences doing meaningful work for appreciative clients will eclipse some
of the pain in the past.

------
jokoon
When facebook was on the rise I had a situation when several students came at
me for no reason. So many people behave like animals, hatred and bad jokes are
like a source of energy to them. I failed to have a degree due to these
people.

That was a reason I stopped using facebook too. I think the web should be used
to drive people who have the same interests towards each other, but that's the
opposite that happens: you end up confronting the people who know you and
dislike you, and it's impossible to avoid them because you either work with
them or you are in the same class.

What boggles my mind is when I read on the internet people saying "bullying is
fine and it's part of life". Sounds like it's a game for them, and they don't
realize that people just don't want to play with them.

If I could relive my teenage years, I would stab so many students. The scars
bullying leaves on you are for ever.

------
shruubi
I can sympathise with the author. I didn't suffer to the degree that she did,
but it was there none-the-less.

Sometimes bullies like this have no rhyme or reason other than they find some
kind of self-worth in bullying. It's a difficult situation to be in,
especially as a teenager where you feel like your only options are to either
stay silent and suffer, or tell someone and commit social suicide.

~~~
ishansharma
The problem with telling someone is that they can't stop it completely! Author
told the school and the bullies still continued.

Your point about self-worth is excellent. I've seen bullies being very
happy/proud after teasing someone.

Sad thing is that all this changes you and hinders your progress a lot.

------
mattboulos
I run an online service that connects teens with experienced lawyers who
advise them for free (it is a labour of love).

Obviously I am biased, but I think we need more services that can help kids
deal with online realities. In our experience, kids who are being bullied have
no idea how to get the help they need and burrow instead. We owe it to them to
change that.

I am convinced that the tech community can play a big part in that, it
certainly has for my organization.

------
aquadrop
I don't understand why parents of those bullies did nothing? It looks like
they all were informed (suspension, police)? And that - "I knew that if they
got a criminal record, they might not be able to go to university. I didn't
want that burden." looks like a strange position. Why would you care about
that happening to someone who was giving you death threats?

------
rjknight
Stuff like this makes me proud that the internet and technology industry can
give people a way of taking control of their lives back and finding a purpose
and career when others are trying to deny it to them.

~~~
dasil003
Just to play devil's advocate, consider that the Internet is what enabled this
bullying to be as horrible and psychologically damaging as it was. It's not
only tech geeks that get bullied.

~~~
aaronem
Which is another way of saying that this technology, like any other, is
morally neutral, and only the actions of the people who use it have any moral
weight.

~~~
dasil003
True, although I'd say the interesting part are the properties of the
technology. In this instance, the cyber-bullying stuff is worse than
traditional bullying because of the anonymity and lack of repercussions. Sort
of a corollary of the Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory if you will.

------
notlisted
Relevant - interesting article from a couple of days ago:
[http://www.care2.com/causes/ways-school-bullying-can-
affect-...](http://www.care2.com/causes/ways-school-bullying-can-affect-your-
life-even-decades-on.html?cid=tw_causes_bullyingimpact)

5 Ways School Bullying Impacts Your Life Even Decades On

"Following participants into midlife (aged 50), the researchers then tested
for evidence of the known effects of bullying at regular intervals throughout
the subjects’ lives, and participants were tested for psychological distress
as well as their general health, with tests at 23 and 45. At age 50,
participants were also tested in terms of cognitive functioning, social
relationships, as well as for general levels of well-being (these were
assessed using standard scales).

What the researchers found was that, even after accounting for things like IQ
and socioeconomic status at the beginning of the study, bullying appears to
have a significant impact on people’s lives for decades after the bullying has
finished."

------
TeamMCS
That is really horrendous. Sent shivers down my spine just reading it :/

------
lectrick
FYI, she wants to block hackernews visitors (probably due to a hosting issue),
so can someone throw up a mirror?

~~~
k-mcgrady
Her Twitter implies she didn't want it here because she didn't anticipate a
good conversation (i.e. she expected abusive comments on HN). So a mirror is
probably the last thing she wants.

------
gremlinsinc
You know what would be awesome some sort of anti-bullying squad -- that dishes
out some of their own medicine. -- Have maybe 10-15 people situated along the
pathway of a bully's walk home, and cameramen to ask him questions... like Did
you know most bully's bully because they hate themselves, what do you hate
most about yourself, what makes you a bully? ... etc... -- get it all on tape,
if they run--get their cowardice on tape.. youtube it for the whole world to
see, enough instances of this happen, and it'll cut back on bully's I'd hope--
I wonder if To Catch a Predator had any statistics on if the program curtailed
any predatoring...

------
nachopg
Everything in this article is terrifying and, somehow, what scared me the most
was how much Internet is actually the world for so many people born not that
later than myself. It is incredible how fast this change happened. Also, I
know my role as a professional is doing nothing but making that a bigger
issue.

As a side note: bullying (cyber or not) is not the same in all countries. In
my hometown, when I was growing up and we were not that penetrated by american
culture yet, nothing like this would happen. The worst thing possible was a
light fist fight.

------
rooster8
> The answers to my secret questions on my accounts are all fake, so not even
> a friend could know them.

Side note, this is good advice for anyone. Many sites use the same questions,
and they're often stored in plaintext in the database. One compromised
database on an unimportant service may expose vulnerabilities to your most
sensitive accounts.

I treat these like any other password field, using random text as the answer,
and store the random answer along with the password in 1Password.

------
grey-area
This story is a perfect candidate for that new comment filtering feature on
HN. I'm not even sure a meaningful HN discussion is possible on this sort of
topic anyway.

~~~
notlisted
I beg to differ. I have no proof, but I suspect a large number of visitors to
HN (technically inclined, perhaps not as socially developed as kids, most
pretty darn smart) have some personal experience in the matter, which may
explain the number of comments.

In terms of meaningful discussion, there are comments from those who were
bullied and those who did (interesting perspective).

------
bananas
My sister went through the same things about the same time. She put a hockey
stick in the face of the ring leader in the end, smashed her teeth and broke
her jaw. She was arrested but the duty officers agreed to write it off as
they'd already been contacted by my parents about the bullying it and they
said the CPS wouldn't touch it in this case.

So up turns a guy at my door one day (the girl's father) ready to kick off at
my sister and my parents. He was removed by our dogs.

Two years down the line from this, her father is in prison for robbery and the
girl was in youth custody for assault.

Moral of the story: half the human race is shit not worthy of a breath of air.
Fight fire with fire. No sympathy regardless of the background for any
behaviour like this.

Also avoid living in shitty suburbs of Nottingham (this was Woodborough Road
next to St Anne's).

------
RighteousFervor
To the author of this post and anyone else who may be the victim of cyber-
abuse: my heart goes out to you, but you _must_ fight back. Tooth and nail,
fullest extent of the law, the whole she-bang.

It seems to me the victim in this account held back, thereby preventing
justice and prolonging the abuse.

~~~
jerf
I think the problem lies in that we often never tell children this, don't
support them if they try, and the system in general in its effort to make the
problem no longer visible to the authorities (as opposed to actually making it
go away) often finds the easiest path is to get the compliant target to shut
up about the problem rather than the much harder task of actually fixing it.
(They don't even realize that they're doing this... but when the kid's talking
to the authorities for the fifth time because the first four didn't do
anything, and the authorities give off a "this again? jeez", it's not hard to
figure out how pointless the meetings are.) Which, as an adult, I now realize
they simply don't have time for, but I wish they'd be more up front about it
and let kids deal with that, rather than pretend they've got all the
solutions, ban you from doing anything effective, then fail to do anything
effective themselves.

I'm a male, and my tormentors were male, and I think that makes this a
radically different situation than the linked article. But for me, I'm pretty
sure two or three well-placed swings (they probably didn't even have to
_connect_ ) would have made school orders of magnitude more pleasant for me. I
wish I hadn't been raised with everybody around me telling me how wrong that
always is, because in hindsight it would have been a great deal less wrong
than what happened to me.

So, other parents, I encourage you to take a more nuanced approach than mine
did. You certainly don't want to encourage violence for everything and sure,
_start_ with the proper authorities, but I would encourage you that if that
still can't fix the problem, stand behind your kid if they need to take a bit
of action on their own. And please don't teach them complete passivity as the
answer to everything. I was lucky in ways I didn't even understand at the
time, and my personal psychological makeup was mostly able to withstand this
and come out with very little scarring. Don't count on that for your child.
I've observed that it's not true of everyone.

Incidentally, I submit as evidence the fact that people even here have a hard
time agreeing to this idea. Think about it. You're asking one person to put up
with _years_ of physical and/or psychological abuse to save a small set of
bullies, who are by definition being bad actors... what? A bruised nose, once
or twice? Bruised egos? What kind of fucked up ethical system have you all
subscribed to where a bullied person is _obligated_ to put up with years upon
years of inescapable abuse rather than _throw a punch_? Seriously. Please.
Think about that for a moment, and stop valuing years of psychological and/or
physical abuse at what appears to be "zero"... you are, and I am dead serious
about this, part of the problem if you act that way. Bullying is _bad_. Really
_bad_. Not just "I say the word bad and pat myself on the back for having Good
Think", but really, really drive-people-to-the-brink-of-suicide-or-beyond
_bad_. Don't mouth the words about how bullying it bad, _act like it!_

(And again, if something other than violence works, hey, great! It's not a
good first resort. It's not the solution to everything and it isn't magic. But
don't act like it's nuclear waste and take it entirely off the table at the
cost of _years of soul-searing abuse_. It's a bad situation and there may not
be a "perfect solution", but I find it abhorrent how many people even here
would rather see someone put up with epic abuse rather that assert themselves
even a little.)

------
izzydata
I'm really confused as to what the author did to upset this group of people. I
find it hard to believe that so many people who go so far out of their way for
such an extended period of time for absolutely no reason other than to harass
someone for laughs.

Edit: What's with the downvotes? Are we not allowed to ask questions here
anymore? Or is it inappropriate to not believe everything you hear at face
value? It isn't even that because the author doesn't explain it at all.

~~~
ANTSANTS
Children don't need a reason to be absolute shitheads.

~~~
izzydata
Perhaps once, but for such a long period of time? I don't believe it.

~~~
ANTSANTS
Do you have retrograde amnesia, or were you homeschooled?

~~~
izzydata
What are you even talking about? Make your point if you have something to say.

------
4ad
War, famine, disease, losing your liver -- all this pales compared to cyber
bullying!

I was bullied as a kid, it was awful, but I was being hit with fists, and when
I didn't have any money to steal, they'd hit me again. They also carried
knives. I lived in a ghetto.

If this is the worse thing that happened to her in her life, she must have had
a pretty good and happy life. I am certain that cyber bullying is real and can
create a huge emotional torment, but what I read here is pretty lame.
Colleagues post mean comments and it affects you emotionally? Seriously? Maybe
it was much worse than the author can express, in which case she is just a bad
writer, but her twitter reaction[1] made me think this is not the case, and it
made me lose all sympathy for her.

If this stuff affects you, it's bad parenting. If you live in Disneyland and
are this isolated from real life, it's only the fault of your parents who
didn't teach you anything about the real life, where people are hateful, mean,
and generally want to fuck you up in some way.

Because I am extremely arrogant and because I am always right, people hate me
a lot, especially people on the Internet. This doesn't affect me negatively,
this amuses me. Seven years back (wow, already 7 years!) some guy hated me so
much, that he hired thugs to beat me up. Real thugs. With sticks. Sticks that
hit me in the eye. I couldn't see for two weeks with my left eye. I still have
floaters and flashes in my both eyes.

Did this depress me? No! I am now stronger, I learned a thing or two about
self-defense and I got my revenge, except without violence.

[1]
[https://twitter.com/anna_debenham/status/459673982149877760](https://twitter.com/anna_debenham/status/459673982149877760)

/edit: this was downvoted less than two seconds since when I posted it. Two
seconds! HN readers muts read pretty fast, since I assume everyone here
actually reads before downvoting. Surely that's true! As I said, amusing.

~~~
aaronem
> because I am always right

Really? Your whole comment here constitutes a contemptuous dismissal of
anything, suffered by anyone, which doesn't live up to your particular
standard of "bad enough to cry over", and you say you're always _right?_
Certainly you're arrogant, but that's neither an accomplishment nor a cause of
reasonable pride; as far as _right_ goes, I can only imagine that hit in the
eye you took must have done something bad to your close detail vision, because
you certainly give the strong impression of having badly misread the
definition of the word. Here, have a dictionary link [1], and since it's
online, you can zoom in on the text just as far as you need to, in order to
actually _read_ it this time.

[1]:
[http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/right](http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/right)

~~~
4ad
Wow you are weak. I apologise for the trollish statement, but in reality it
was a test for the community; test that wanted to prove that some people just
don't know how react on the Internet. It was an obvious bait, and you took it.
If people feel offended for some reason, that _have_ to react, they _have_ to
say something, they _have_ to complain. Just ignore and live with your life.
This is why the article exists, because some people care when they shouldn't.
Thanks for proving my point.

Hey! Here's an upvote though, because I found your comment very funny.

~~~
aaronem
_Primus_ : "(something really stupid you'd have to be an asshole to say)"

 _Secundus_ : "That was really stupid, and you're an asshole for saying it."

 _Primus_ : "LOL I TROLL U LE TROLLFACE.JPG LE MFW LELELELE"

Nowhere easier to win an argument than in your own mind, I suppose. Seriously,
though, what are you doing on Hacker News? /b/ is thataway, just past the
dumpsters; when you get to the open sewer, you're there, so jump right on in.

