
Ask HN: Do you have any kind of self-destructive habit? - imd23
Yes:<p>- Any excess or self-harm like smoking, drinking when you know it doesn&#x27;t add<p>- Indirect self-harm like sitting a lot<p>- Addictions internet, coding, eating, thinking, etc<p>- Excessive stuff like procrastination when you should be working or just consumption to feel happy&#x2F; worth it&#x2F; fit in.<p>No: No self harm and a good balance of excesses.<p>If yes, Why?
If no, how do you know?
Can you delay gratification?
======
KGIII
Absolutely. My life is riddled with bad choices, some of which I continue
today. I'm constantly surprised I am where I am, and that I'm somehow alive.

Can I delay gratification? Sure. I don't always want to do so. I don't fear
death. I fear fragility of the mind and body. I don't want 90 boring years. I
want 70 damned fun years where every day is the best day ever.

I'm nearing that 70 year mark and not even remotely scared. They'll prop me up
with opiates and amphetamines. I see that as something to look forward to, not
fear.

~~~
nate_meurer
> "I fear fragility of the mind"

My limited knowledge of you via your HN comments tells me you're in no danger
of this whatsoever.

> "opiates and amphetamines"

Hopefully at the same time :)

~~~
KGIII
Adjectives I want to be used to describe my death:

Quick; unexpected; spectacular; unusual; shocking; smiling; etc...

Words I don't want:

Prolonged; suffering; sad; fire; sober; alone;

I'll settle for peacefully in my sleep, but screaming in terror and surrounded
by friends is also good. I figure that will at least be quick and give someone
a good story to tell.

It's peaceful to have come to grips with my mortality.

~~~
nate_meurer
Fire, LOL. So plane crash might work, as long as you're killed by impact and
not inferno.

When my grandmother was dying of cancer, I asked her how she felt about her
death which we knew was likely just weeks away. She said that, aside from the
cancer, being old sucks in ways that made her more ready to be done with it.
And her life was in good order so it was an ok time to end. That's really my
only wish -- that I be ready for it. Pain's ok as long as it doesn't turn me
into a total asshole.

~~~
KGIII
Yeah, fire is right off my list of good ways to die. I'm pretty sure that has
to suck. Conversely, if I'm burned badly and still alive, I probably won't
want to live. I already have a living will and DNR.

I'm 59. If I get another 11 years, I'll be pretty stoked. I've done everything
I've wanted to do, for the most part. I don't have any great yearning to
accomplish more, I've done plenty. I have enough and worked my ass off to get
here. This is just time to enjoy the moment, something I feel privileged to
have.

It is also very comforting to know my affairs are all in order. If I get
diagnosed with cancer tomorrow, I'll probably order up a large satchel of
illegal narcotics, invite some friends over, and go on a wild adventure until
I die. I may not even seek treatment other than pain remediation.

And, yeah, my close friends and family all know my views. They are largely in
agreement.

Meh... I figured I'd share an alternative view. I'm pretty sure many won't
agree they'd do it this way, but it's not their death.

~~~
Mz
_It is also very comforting to know my affairs are all in order. If I get
diagnosed with cancer tomorrow, I 'll probably order up a large satchel of
illegal narcotics, invite some friends over, and go on a wild adventure until
I die. I may not even seek treatment other than pain remediation._

I know a cancer survivor who basically said (at the time that they had cancer
and were undergoing treatment) that if they didn't have a child to raise, that
would be the path they would choose. They said having cancer was not torture,
but the treatments were, basically.

~~~
KGIII
Yeah, it would take external stimuli for me to choose the treatment options. A
grandchild might do that. Maybe excessive angst from the missus but that's
unlikely - she knows my views and I'd not be with her if she wasn't accepting
of them.

Of course, we can't really tell unless I'm actually in that situation... I can
only speculate.

I've been in pretty dangerous places, including combat, so I know I'm not
really scared of my mortality. I just REALLY hope it doesn't hurt like hell
beforehand.

~~~
Mz
I'm a former military wife and made my peace with my own mortality some years
back, during a serious health crisis in my 30s. And I lived when I should have
died because I spent about 3.5 years in constant, excruciating _please kill me
now_ pain and I reached a point where reducing the pain was all that mattered.
I was fine with it if my attempts to hurt less caused me to die quicker. (But,
they didn't. They put me on a path back to health. Go figure.)

So, I hear ya. I hate hurting. I'm not afraid of death, though.

------
NicoJuicy
Mmmm... Yes, i think of myselve as an introvert.

But, i'm not one when i go out and drink. So when i go out, i drink too much (
i always have a lot of one-liners comings up). I'm not an alcoholic, i only
drink on friday and saturday evenings ( when i go out)

Also, i always have been in extremes. When i wanted to do sport, i did > 10
hours per week ( no alcohol ofc and outside my full time job), but didn't have
time for anything else.

Now i'm working on my SAAS, day and night.... I don't need people, but i force
myselve to be arround them. I don't need to plan anything, i just say yes when
people ask... This year, i didn't even celebrate my 30th birthday, cause i was
on a wedding.

~~~
imd23
Thanks for answering NicoJuicy. I used to have similar patterns in the
'extreme' sense you say until life thought me the hard way that they are a
really risky bet. Thought alcohol never liked me and I avoided bdays too.

That's was when I started wondering why did I do what I did. Are extremes
worth it in mid-long term? they can turn into habits too soon and really
difficult to get out of them. It took me years to realize (maybe I still am)
that most of the time I did this was to get a sense of external approval, fit
in, achievement of the impossible, be different, ... in the end was a doing
stuff in excess not for a real worthy reason but because of the lack of sense
of identity.

This is a good article on the topic

WESTCHESTER OPINION; WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY OF EXCESS - WHY?

[http://www.nytimes.com/1987/08/02/nyregion/westchester-
opini...](http://www.nytimes.com/1987/08/02/nyregion/westchester-opinion-we-
live-in-a-society-of-excess-why.html)

~~~
NicoJuicy
Okay, I didn't expect that answer by a long shot. But that's a very good
one...

Thanks

------
mattbgates
Not sure if I can call it a bad habit or not, but my relationship suffers
because of it, and not sure if my relationship will remain for much longer
because of it, but it has kind of been an instigated behavior.

Basically, once we past our honeymoon phase, she wants attention and affection
sometimes, but not always, usually when she wants it. Other times, she tells
me to go away or that she's not in the mood for that. She can be very
emotional and other times, very distant, kind of similar to me. It is hard to
find a balance or understand that balance.

Feeling rejected, I turn to the coding world, get lost in my web apps, and
that feeling of rejection lasts for days sometimes so I get so wrapped up in
what I'm doing that I don't give her attention or affection when she wants it
because that rejection made me prioritise my coding over her.

It has been a cycle.. we'll argue about it, and then things will go back to
normal, and I'll give her the attention and affection she craves.. then she
basically wants me to go away and come back when she wants, rinse and repeat.

So I'd have to say my Internet addiction, which is really my coding addiction
kicks in. Instead of gaming, I turn to coding, because I feel its more
productive than just sitting around gaming. I build both free- and paid- web
apps, and I can't just sit there or lie there doing nothing.. it drives me
crazy to not be tinkering with something.

And sometimes she does get upset with me because I do have to try and focus my
brain on watching a movie or a show with her instead of thinking about coding
something. I can't sleep at night until I'm tired, so instead of just lying
there, or taking some type of pills or whatever, I code until I'm exhausted
instead, which means I'm not "sleeping with her" and I think she gets upset
about that too.

I know some guys will say, "If I had a woman.. I'd always... I'd treat
her...." Yup... me too. Past the honeymoon phase where you get to know her,
live with her, deal with her bullshit, bad habits and attitude, and get back
to me on that one.

~~~
brianyu8
I of course don't know the full details, but that doesn't sound like a healthy
relationship. Have you talked to her about it? If so and it's still like this,
maybe consider a therapist or other options? Sorry for what you're going
through.

~~~
mattbgates
Hey Brian, I appreciate the sympathy, and it probably isn't a healthy
relationship.

Right now, it's peaceful, but we have had our plenty of ups and downs. There
is probably more going on with her than I could even know... she does admit
that to me. I'm not trying to make it one sided.. I'm sure it's me too. A
recent argument led us to realize maybe we aren't right for each other. And
there was some mutual agreement in that. Whatever the case may be, it has just
been a pattern of both of our behaviors that have led us to be the way we are
today.

We are just two stubborn people set in our ways and while we, in a way, want
similar things, the way we want to get there is different. I think the
important thing is that we both recognize that while we do love each other, we
are toxic to each other, and while we're working on at least getting along for
the time being.. as we are financially tied together for at least another year
or so, I feel as long as we can keep some peace, we'll be alright.

~~~
brianyu8
Ah I see. I'm glad that you have found peace for the meantime. Good luck.

------
muzani
Gaming and debating with people on the Internet.

I like progressively increasing my skill. I have to force myself to do passive
things like watching TV. Even then, I need shows that are 'active', like Rick
and Morty or Game of Thrones, where I can reverse engineer characters, think
up conspiracy theories, or do _something_.

The problem is that my choice of relaxation is active, and thus draining. I
get better at these things, but it sucks away my attention from things like
programming.

I like the pain of improving skills, and games are perfect at this. Online
debating too, because it takes only 10 minutes to come up with a well phrased
answer.

Progress at programming is also very jerky. You end up hitting a lot of walls,
being forced to debug something, or realize that the plan you spend 2 weeks on
was wrong. The problem is usually very vague so there's a meta where you have
to figure out what problem we're trying to solve first and whether we have
resources for this solution.

~~~
photojosh
> I have to force myself to do passive things like watching TV. Even then, I
> need shows that are 'active', like Rick and Morty or Game of Thrones, where
> I can reverse engineer characters, think up conspiracy theories, or do
> something.

I watch Game of Thrones with the fan-made slippy map open on my phone. And
documentaries with Google Earth open. :)

------
cujic9
Nothing that I'd share with social media, friends, or family. Bottle up and
explode, that's my motto.

------
ambivalents
I think I'm addicted to sugar. I know the dangers and I just can't stop. It
really thwarts my other addictive behavior, the pursuit of optimal health.

~~~
imd23
Me too. I see sugar banned in 50 years. I really hope so. It's like white
poison. It's not easy. I can't suggest you anything but I have been studying
my sugar carvings and they spark instantly when I feel little stressed out
because it immediately makes me calm, but you know, it doesn't last a minute
you just want more. You sweet required level goes up and you are never
satisfied. Of all thinks that I have tried (therapy, meditation, Zen/zazen
practice) the one that worked almost immediately a few days ago was realizing
that if I really wanted to stop this I needed to become aware that the change
has to come from me. It won't come from the government banning sugar, my
neighbor or whatever you can name. It has to come from me.

This is what helped me:

Jim Rohn - It's All About Change (Jim Rohn Personal Development)
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tA8W1Q_HRmI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tA8W1Q_HRmI)

------
thecupisblue
\- Smoking, drinking, drugs

\- Overspending

\- Overpartying

\- Undersleeping

\- Content addiction

\- Overthinking

\- Too much sitting

\- Procrastination

On the outside, I'm an overachieving dude who has his life together. On the
inside, I'm a wreck.

~~~
imd23
I don't think so. You seem to have a very negative view of your own self but
just the fact you can notice and more over write here that clearly makes me
think you're on the right track to solve them whenever you might want it.

~~~
thecupisblue
Thanks for that, hope I get the willpower to!

------
clintonb
I’m a workaholic, and really like solving problems. This leads to burnout
after a few months. I get a bit of a high from solving problems. Also, despite
holding a degree from MIT and having worked in software for 10 years, I still
have a bit of imposter syndrome. I believe working hard let’s me “prove” my
value to others.

~~~
HiroshiSan
You know someone went to MIT when...:P just kidding. Im currently studying
mathematics in university can I shoot you an email? I'd love to hear about
your experience there.

~~~
clintonb
Ha! I actually try not to brag. Sure. My email address is
clintonb@alum.mit.edu.

------
hodder
We are all on HN right now, so yes. We are all basically wasting time reading
ultimately irrelevant news. Fun and interesting sure, but a waste of time.

~~~
imd23
Maybe, I used to browse it 5 times a day years ago but nowadays maybe once a
month? I think removing it from my favs helped me and I just forgot about it.

------
jetti
My abuse of my prescription Adderall. I'll take one and stay up all night and
take another in the morning (when I'm supposed to take it) and keep on going.
It's terrible for me but it is hard to stop. In fact it just gets worse and
then I end up short on my months supply which leads to me falling asleep at my
desk.

~~~
hood_syntax
Hey man, I feel your struggle. I haven't abused my Concerta prescription, but
I know how easy it is to do it (I have friends who have abused amphetamines).
The only advice I can give you (which you almost certainly already know) is to
actively avoid putting yourself in the situations that lead you to take it
when you know you're not supposed to. You already know how much it sucks to
not have it when you need it, maybe you can use that as the stick part of a
carrot/stick strategy to help change those habits. I'm rooting for you man.

~~~
jetti
Thanks. The hard part is that delayed gratification is very hard for me. I can
somewhat get by when I run out by popping caffeine pills. The problem is that
it is pretty much impossible to keep myself out of the situation of wanting to
take Adderall at night because it happens when I'm taking my nightly meds,
which I just can't avoid. The other option would be to switch off of the
Adderall onto something else but I'm afraid I'll be falling asleep at my desk
again.

Thanks for your advice though.

------
eager_noob
Procrastination. Haven't been able to get a handle on that problem since a
long time.

~~~
imd23
We need to feel worth it in life. It doesn't matter that there are 8 billion
people around. I think if you can imagine helping other in some area you are
good at and other might be struggling, you can pretty much stop
procrastinating right away. I recall a psychologist who said that for every
hour that patients go them they must do two of for charity work where they
directly help others. He finalized saying that he doesn't know if his therapy
is good but that the other two hours were working extremely well.

------
ludicast
I get sidetracked by learning new stuff, the mathier the better. Sounds like a
humblebrag but it sucks to keep jumping into rabbitholes.

------
0x00000000
I spend about 23.5 hours a day sitting or lying down and I eat poorly. I will
likely die of malnutrition or stroke by the time I'm 35.

------
owebmaster
Sometimes I think that smoke too much weed is a self-destructive habit but
after I smoke I think it is a self-healing habit so it depends on the time.

------
mellowdream
Being alive.

~~~
imd23
We forget this very often.

------
segmondy
Yeah, I read too much.

~~~
copperx
That's just like the "I'm a perfectionist" answer to the "what's your biggest
weakness?" interview question.

~~~
psyc
[https://youtu.be/vPKhhne8mCs?t=1m37s](https://youtu.be/vPKhhne8mCs?t=1m37s)

