
Why Facebook Makes Us Depressed  - edent
http://shkspr.mobi/blog/2012/12/why-facebook-makes-me-feel-like-a-loser/
======
noinput
I had this same conversation with my Mother a few weeks ago.

My father passed a few years back, and now I have two daughters which she does
not get to spend as much time with as she had made out in her mind prior. My
grandparents raised me, same with my wife, as both of our parents worked
fulltime jobs to make ends meet (the obvious American life of parents).
However I'm proud to say that I am successful enough that I can work from home
and my wife can stay home as well to raise our kids. This was a reality check
for my mom and it's added up since then.

The other day she called me on how upset she was, as she always sees friends
having so much fun on Facebook and how she feels more an more lonely. In
comparison, I noticed how my wife would post a photo of my girls on Facebook
and my mom would (typically) Like it within minutes. It seemed that she was
literally sitting on Facebook all day trying to find out what was going on
with the world rather than enjoying it herself as she's now retired. It was
starting to make sense to me.

When I talked to her, I asked when the last time she saw people talking about
how they had no money to go out and eat, had to work overtime, had to pay
bills, were doing laundry, etc. queue the Lightbulb.

A few days later, she called me happier than I'd heard her in a while,
explaining how she'll check Facebook in the morning and at night but the rest
of the day she leaves the computer off and she felt worlds better already.
Once I could explain that Facebook wants it's users to be engaged & sucked in
for more, she realized how she got trapped.

~~~
001sky
_It seemed that she was literally sitting on Facebook all day trying to find
out what was going on with the world rather than enjoying it herself as she's
now retired._

== This is just what getting old its like. Its a bit of a shocker seing this
happen to your parents.

The FB part is sort of tangential, though TBH.

------
kscaldef

        It's no longer a case of "keeping up with the Joneses" - you now have to keep 
        up with everyone you've ever met, no matter what the cost!
    

I don't understand why so many people don't seem to get that you don't have to
be "friends" on Facebook with everyone you've ever met. And you don't have to
stay "friends" with them forever.

Also, I see lots of stuff on Facebook that isn't upbeat bragging. Prominent
examples just from the past week include death of a family member and a friend
starting chemo. Possibly this is an age thing, or a consequence of the fact
that I prune superficial relationships from my Facebook, but I have a hard
time relating to the experience this writer describes. (Also, while I don't
want to diagnose over the internet, it's possible that FB makes the author
depressed because he's already prone to depression.)

~~~
edent
OP here. I don't think I'm depressed - but suddenly seeing a flurry of
"Jetting off on holiday" and "Just got a jetpack for xmas" made me a bit
grumpy. The feeling took me by surprise - until I realised that I was getting
a distorted view and, luckily, I'm off to Vegas in the new year.

You're quite right about adding everyone you ever knew - thankfully I grew out
of that phase fairly quickly.

~~~
sliverstorm
I believe I read a summary of a study once that found the happier people try
to look on Facebook, the more miserable they actually are. I don't remember
the details well enough to describe them here, but basically somebody who is
having tons of fun isn't going to bother telling Facebook about it- they are
too busy having fun. The people who spend a lot of time telling Facebook about
all the fun they are having are actually trying to put on a front.

So, when I detect that on Facebook, I have learned to dismiss it and perhaps
pity them just a tiny bit.

Clues: People who seem to be super happy 24/7/365- not many people actually
are! Also, people _prone_ to bragging OR "humble bragging"

~~~
noillustrations
There are people who are obviously just trying to have fun by posting whatever
they can think of to Facebook, incessantly. I would agree that the more
someone is posting, the less fun they're actually having... unless you
consider posting stuff to be fun, in and of itself.

Nothing wrong with incessant posting... it might indeed be fun... but I think
Facebook is not the best outlet for it. This will only become apparent years
from now when these folks look at their friends who have little to no posting
history, with envy.

I have friends who still have not joined Facebook. I admire them; and I expect
to envy them in due course. They will be blissfully free from the annoyances
every Facebook user wil be facing.

------
jeffclark
Facebook makes it way too easy to compare your behind-the-scenes footage
against someone else's highlight reel.

~~~
jpdevereaux
This is the most elegantly concise summary I've seen of the topic.

It also reminds me of a humorous video from the MySpace era about what was
called the "MySpace angle" — people use the best possible view of themselves
for their profile picture, which potentially means obscuring some less
desirable aspects. This can easily be extended to any other aspect of today's
digital self-presentation.

------
kjackson2012
This is a horribly self-pitying blog post. It's typical of a lot of people
I've met these days where they are so self-centered, they can't bother to feel
happy for someone else.

"I just got a bonus at work because I worked my ass off!"

"I got nothing, thanks for making me feel like a pile of shit!"

Why not be happy for your friends? If I see that my friends are on vacation,
or enjoying their lives, I feel genuinely happy for them. I don't feel
jealous. And they certainly aren't posting on Facebook to make their friends
feel jealous.

The author should come to grips with the fact that the world doesn't revolve
around him, and that if he doesn't post anything no one will notice or even
care. This whole "keeping up with the Joneses" is a phenomenon he has created
himself, and if he can't handle the fact that other people are actually
enjoying successes in their lives, then he should definitely log off from
Facebook.

~~~
Hawkee
I feel more sad for my friends than happy. I just see so many people buying
happiness and living for themselves. Sushi dinners and sky diving adventures
don't impress me. I just wonder what they're living for, money and pleasure?
What impresses me is the expression of humility, meekness and modesty. I
believe there's a real famine of this on Facebook.

~~~
tedunangst
People have been eating sushi for a long time. Some of them even like it.

~~~
Hawkee
Don't get me wrong, I love sushi. I make it any time I find really fresh fish.
I just don't want to define myself as a decadent eater on facebook.

------
szany
_I'm sat here, in my dressing gown. My fingers are greasy from eating crisps
all morning. My back aches because I spent all night playing a stupid video
game. The gin hangover isn't helping either. My week off work has been a wash
out. I didn't write any code, I didn't cook anything other than pizza, and I'm
beginning to smell of used dish water._

Is Facebook really to blame here?

~~~
CKKim
Bingo.

I'd reserve judgment on anything before having a good shower, dressing in
fresh clothes, and eating some real food. Plus lots of water and a nap or
workout, if necessary. Biology > Internet ;).

------
TeMPOraL
> It's just that perhaps we, as a species, aren't yet used to dealing with a
> constant flood of our friends' successes. It can make even a little failure
> feel like you're letting down your entire social circle.

I really don't like implications of this. On one hand, we have all of media
bombarding us with sad, tragic or stupid stories every single moment. Many
people (myself included) stop reading general news and/or watching TV, because
the only thing they get from it is feeling that everything is bad and about to
fall apart. But on the other hand, if we can't handle the success stories -
because we get jealous or depressed - then what kind of news can we actually
process without harming ourselves?

------
jganetsk
Recently I have gone from posting nearly nothing on Facebook, to posting
daily. I have been spending 1 year abroad, and have gotten into a gimmicky
habit: I'm keeping a friends-only travel diary on my Facebook wall. Everyday,
at around the same time, I write my "daily recap". I am living in London, and
also travelling extensively all over Europe, and am showing this off to my
friends. I'm one of the worst offenders of an asshole friend on Facebook, as I
literally am jetting off somewhere exotic every weekend. And, I spend a great
deal of time thinking about what I'm going to post, so I'm a case of someone
obsessively preoccupied with Facebook. I also care a lot about likes and
comments. However, I generally seem to be adding value to the lives of me and
my friends. I strive for honesty, astuteness, eloquence and humor. The tone
ranges from triumphant to hysterical. I get constant feedback about my status
updates, both in real life and online. People seem to appreciate them. Several
have recommended that I publish. A number of fiends have mentioned they are
envious, but only one depressingly so. A few have mentioned that they look
forward to reading them everyday. I feel leashed to doing this, at this point,
and am not going to stop until my year is over. Am I making people miserable
with this? I would love to know. Do I have an unhealthy obsession? Am I being
narcissistic? Possibly. Sometimes I think I have twisted Facebook on its head,
and have discovered how it really should be used: by putting all my effort
into writing high-quality posts.

~~~
jacquesm
What is the point of all this?

Would you still travel if you couldn't update your friends about it in near
real time?

Don't you feel that the time spent on writing/contemplating what to write on
the facebook pages would be better spent enjoying yourself in your new
destination, making contact with people there rather than keeping score?

If it's just a weekend that's barely time enough to take in a new place (for
me).

~~~
tedunangst
How long does it take to write up a funny story that happened over the past
weekend? Five minutes? What other more awesome things are you going to be
doing on the train back from the airport?

~~~
jacquesm
Look out of the train, talk to people.

------
sakopov
Facebook is a really strange and scary phenomenon. The idea was to keep in
touch with those acquaintances you lost contact with for one reason or
another. Yet, it turned into a huge attention whoring platform because it
slowly chipped away at any real-world interaction people ever had prior. So,
what do you do when you do something cool or interesting? You let your
Facebook "friends" know about it. It makes you feel better that someone read
about the shit you did today. You feel like you're cool now. It's unbelievably
sad what an immense psychological effect Facebook has on its users. I didn't
even realize how addicted i was to Facebook until i closed my account and had
frequent urges to reopen just to update my "friends" with something i did.
Everyone on it is just feeding off of each other. It's a perpetual pat on the
back that makes you feel cozy that you have 300 friends and hides the fact
it's making you socially inept. It's been 4 months and i never looked back.
Even had 2 of my close friends follow my lead. Get away from this shit and get
your social interactions back.

------
linuxhansl
I attended a 10 day silent meditation retreat a while ago. One of the most
important instructions was: "Do not look around to see what the other folks
are doing. Everybody will sit still as a Buddha and you will feel bad".

In this case you get a moments view during which in all likelihood nobody will
fuzz.

In this article we see a moments view chosen by the authors friends to be
post-worthy.

------
pyre
Maybe it's just due to a lack of experience spending hours on Facebook, but it
seems like people respond differently to such stimulus. Some people see others
doing amazing things and it inspires them; others respond by despairing that
they will never be able to do all of that.

------
larsberg
I don't know about being overwhelmed by the awesome; facebook tends to depress
me. It keeps recommending that I "add friend" a friend of my friends who died
in an accident a few months back, which is always a bit of a buzz-kill.

And that's when it's not just irritating me with the out-of-order feed. I
mean, seriously, I'm a CS person and I understand getting performance gains by
delivering potentially-wrong results, but given that I only get about 10 posts
a week, seeing things off by 3-5 days in the sort order seems almost
malicious.

~~~
Trezoid
Assuming using the web version: click on "sort: top stories" at the top right
just under the post button. Change it to most recent, problem solved.

This doesn't seem to work correctly on iPhone though. Changing to top stories
seems to get them in chronological order for some strange reason.

~~~
codva
Problem solved - temporarily. On Android and the web, my preference for most
recent stories changes itself back to top stories on a not infrequent basis.

~~~
unicornporn
And it has been that way so long that I've started to doubt that it is just an
unsolved bug.

------
omarrr
I find it shocking to hear that people get depressed by watching their friends
have good times. How about enjoying it and feeling happy for their
accomplishments and success?

~~~
Evbn
It is hard if you don't feel on par.

------
josscrowcroft
For all I thought _Svtble_ ridiculous at first (and I do still consider it a
tiny bit wanky) - and for all I cheered on those who created knock-off themes
based on it, and watched the ensuing drama with licked lips - I have to say
that I get a real jarring discomfort when I see a _Svbtle-style_ blog that
isn't part of the network. It just doesn't look right... the fonts are off, or
the spacing, or it's just not quite right.

~~~
fredsted
You're probably just used to Svbtle blogs, there are many of them, after all.
The only thing that's different with this one is that it uses Helvetica
instead of the font Svbtle uses - Freight Sans.

~~~
edent
Good point. I'm using wp-svbtl <https://github.com/gravityonmars/wp-svbtle>
I'll see if there's anything can be done to improve the fonts.

~~~
macrael
Why are you using that theme? It's shitty to use someone else's design without
their permission. (on the off chance that you've never heard of the Svbtle
network (<https://svbtle.com>) it is a design that was created for an invite
only network of bloggers, it's meant to establish a brand)

Regardless of wether you think svbtle is a bunch of elitist wankers, there is
no valid reason for appropriating their style. Furthermore, regardless of
ethics, it is a distraction from your words. To the extent that the svbtle
brand is built up, your choice in theme becomes more and more a statement
instead of presentation. "Does the author dislike the svbtle network and is
trying to drive them into obscurity, or does this person really like the
network and wants to be associated with them even without permission"

~~~
nacs
Not saying I condone the action but they already addressed this in their FAQ
(the 1 and only question listed):

"Isn't this unoriginal?

Yes, in the same way svbtle is unoriginal. See the original ["inspiration" (
<http://archives.drawar.com/> ) for svbtle]."

------
bennesvig
It's a little thing called "The Missing Tile Syndrome." No matter how good
things are for someone, their instinct is to focus on what's missing.

------
JammuHendrix
With so much buzz covering the whole "facebook depression" phenomenon and
studies both proving and disproving it to some extent, I think the article is
pretty apt.

I, personally feel the same way. Enough to have deleted my account. And
somehow, not witnessing a constant flux of achievements and instagrammed food
is keeping me rather calm so far.

------
tokenadult
Speak for yourself. Facebook doesn't make me feel depressed. I meet my friends
there. (I don't know how Facebook will ever monetize enough to satisfy its
investors, but using it at the current per-user price is satisfying to me as a
channel for grouping together people whose only commonality is that they are
all my friends.) I have several friends who have figured out ways to share
tough problems on Facebook and to get a lot of help from our mutual Facebook
friend networks. I've been in various online networks since 1992, and Facebook
is just like any other online network in that some of its characteristics
derive from how you use it. I gain support and encouragement and information
through Facebook, perhaps because I attempt to share support and encouragement
and information through Facebook.

~~~
ceph_
You just read the title and didn't read the article didn't you? The article is
fully written in the first person and he only speaks for himself. The post
subject is misleading and should be corrected.

~~~
barrkel
Did you read beyond the first couple of paragraphs?

He starts out all "I this, I that", but soon moves on to "our mental health",
"your friends", "you now have to keep up with everyone you've ever met", etc.,
and for grand generalization, "it's just that perhaps we, as a species, aren't
yet used to dealing with a constant flood of our friends' successes".

------
_delirium
I suspect the friendship paradox
(<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friendship_paradox>) may have something to do
with it as well. It looks like you're failing to keep up with your friends in
terms of an active social life, because most people have fewer friends than
their friends do!

The fact that Facebook now displays "friend of friend" things probably only
exacerbates the issue: a large proportion of your updates are likely to come
from people with anomalously busy social lives, who are friends of many people
and make it into many other people's feeds. And the ones you _take note of_ ,
likely even more so: the person who did nothing and didn't post about it
doesn't really register.

------
aneth4

        Life isn't about having amazing experiences.
        It's about making mediocre experiences look amazing on Facebook.
    

I've taken to hiding most updates ("only important" or none) of people who
constantly try to show how cool they are, where they travel, and who they
know. A little of that is ok - I do it sometimes - but if someone repeatedly
makes me feel like I'm missing out, they're hidden. I feel much better about
Facebook since then. It takes discipline, because you feel like you'll be
missing out on something, but in the end you're realize you notice more
interesting posts instead.

I'm sure some people hide me. That's ok. I travel constantly and always look
like I'm having fun. I do try to keep it to a dull roar on facebook though.

~~~
Evbn
Don't project negative intentions on people, just accept that you aren't I
their target audience, adjust the volume as iu did, and be happier.

------
barik
The NY Times had a fairly good article on this issue, which I happened to
bookmark in April 2011. The article is called "Feel Like a Wallflower? Maybe
It’s Your Facebook Wall" [1], and the phenomena is described in the article as
FOMO (fear of missing out) which "refers to the blend of anxiety, inadequacy
and irritation that can flare up while skimming social media like Facebook,
Twitter, Foursquare and Instagram."

The OP seems like a manifestation of one aspect of this.

[1] <http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/10/business/10ping.html>

------
TazeTSchnitzel
Facebook makes me depressed for another reason. It's dull and boring, and
filled with "meme" images my friends have like that have no bearing on my life
whatsoever.

------
arbuge
Astronaut friends? :-) That one sounded kinda interesting...

~~~
edent
Oh yes, you should read Kate's blog <http://spacekate.com/> Basically, she's
on a mission to blag her way into space :-)

------
droidist2
An important idea to remember is "don't compare your insides to other people's
outsides."

Of course we don't see the negatives. Nobody's going to post that they're
depressed or their life is a mess, or post pictures where they look bad.
Remember that it's not the whole picture.

------
rlu
I use Facebook and it isn't making me depressed -at all-. If Facebook
seriously is making you depressed then perhaps you really should simply use it
to "keep up with the Joneses" or just deactivate your account entirely.

Good grief.

------
option_greek
I was wondering about this a couple of days back.. looks like I'm not the only
one who feels this way.

------
edwardunknown
[The onion summed it up best]([http://www.theonion.com/articles/number-of-
users-who-actuall...](http://www.theonion.com/articles/number-of-users-who-
actually-enjoy-facebook-down-t,29503/)), as usual

~~~
taigeair
thanks! liked that one.

