
Ask HN: Why did you choose not to have children? - zcase
Any regrets?
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nkurz
I'm in my mid-40's, and have yet to have any desire for children. My reasoning
essentially has been that if I have children, they will either be like me, or
not be like me. Neither of these outcomes encourages me.

If they are not like me --- well, I don't think there is any shortage of
people in the world that are not like me. Further, I think that lowering the
human population is the best thing we can do to prevent ecological collapse.

If they are like me, I fear that they too would be angry, depressed,
ineffectual, and continually disappointed by the world. Reluctantly, I
conclude that it's better for them (and probably the world) for them not to
be, than to be like me.

(I'm sorry if this is an unhelpful answer. And while I'm unlikely to change my
decision at this point, corrections to my logic would still be appreciated.)

~~~
NinoScript
If everybody who cares about overpopulation doesn’t have children, couldn’t
that eventually “breed away” that trait and make the problem worse?

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cimmanom
Late 30's, female, never wanted children.

When I was very young, that preference was inspired by a conscious rejection
of the roles society had set for me ("wife and mother").

As an adult, that stance has weakened (if I'm choosing something because I
want it rather than because someone's telling me too, it's still my choice).
But I've come to believe that I would be a terrible mother. In part because I
can't stand children and the noise they make; in part because I don't want
them enough to be willing to make the sacrifices of time, energy, and other
resources that are necessary to raise a child; in part because I'm both
uninterested in and just plain terrible at nurturing.

If I had found a life partner who wanted kids badly enough, I might have had
them. He would probably have to have committed in advance to being the primary
caregiver, though. I'm much more comfortable in the role of breadwinner than
nurturer.

Regrets? Not at all. Sometimes a vague concern about being lonely and without
a financial safety net in old age, but that seems to me to also be a terrible
reason to have children.

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BugsJustFindMe
You should be asking the opposite question. Why does anyone choose to have
children?

The answer as far as I can tell for most people is that they didn't actually
choose after careful consideration of merits. They either just kinda felt like
they wanted kids or were told that they needed to have kids or kids just kinda
happened, or some combination of the three. But so much of the terrible part
of having kids is hidden from potential parents that few people ever get to
make a well-informed decision.

Have you ever looked at someone with young children? I mean really looked them
in the eyes? They look miserable. Every single one of them. They deny it up
down and sideways, but it's true except for rare brief moments. It's just that
the rare joyful moments are they ones they remember because our brains
suppress trauma. And it lasts for years; that miserable look doesn't go away
until they've burned all of their youth. Do they love their children? Yes.
Would they do anything for their children? Usually. And so would many pet
owners. Are they proud of what their children grow into? Mmm...sometimes. Are
they glad that they had children? Mmm...sometimes. Would they do it again if
given the chance to turn back the clock? Mmm...sometimes. That's the dirty
secret that you're not supposed to talk about.

Not having children makes everything less stressful, and by everything I mean
literally every last little thing. Every single moment of every day of your
entire life is cheaper and easier without children. Every decision you make
involves fewer obligations. Want to DuoLingo for a couple months and then burn
some cash and move to a foreign country for a while? Go for it. But good luck
integrating an 8-year-old into elementary school on a one year tourist visa.

My mother and father had a bunch of amazing life adventure stories. None of
them were from after I was born.

No regrets so far.

~~~
andrenth
You’re lucky your parents didn’t share your thoughts.

As a father of a two year old boy, what you’re saying is bullshit. It may
satisfy your need to rationalize your decision to not have children, but it’s
still bullshit.

~~~
fghtr
Nothing except denial in your words. Sounds like you confirm what the parent
said then... We are here at HN to argue, not to deny.

~~~
andrenth
Yes, denial. Having a child is unbelievable, it’s the most amazing thing I
could have experienced in my life.

The parent weights that against... having time for duolingo. Go figure.

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jwynia
I'm 42 and my wife is 43. We've been married 20 yrs and decided before we got
married that we didn't want children unless we could come up with compelling
reasons to do so. We never did.

We got crap from family, a few friends (good friends were fine about it) and,
lots of strangers for whom it should have been none of their business.

Basically, when most people ask why, there's no answer other than infertility
that results in anything other than them telling us we're wrong. So many
people who have or want to have kids see voluntarily choosing not to have them
as not just a personal choice, but as an affront to everything they believe
in.

That's not even to mention those who want and can't have kids who have gotten
really bitter when the topic comes up. I just avoid it whenever I can.

On the plus side, as we passed 40, I think people assume that we couldn't
rather than we chose not to have kids and very few people ask anymore.

If you have or want kids and that makes you happy, wonderful. But, far too
many people take what's a pretty longstanding decision as a challenge to
convince us to change our minds.

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DougN7
Raising children is really hard. If you don’t want them, don’t have them. We
don’t need any more traumatized children (and then adults) from homes where
they weren’t loved. (It’s amazing how long a bad childhood haunts you - my
best buddy, 50 years old and openly successful in all ways, has tremendous
anxiety easily attributes to his parent’s neglect).

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calciphus
I'm in my mid thirties. My partner and I have been together for 16 years. At
no point in that time have either of us felt strongly that we wanted children.
However, there are very good health reasons for us not to have biological
children. So rather than risk future-us deciding we wanted biological children
despite the issues, we made the choice permanent. Should that change we can
always adopt. It's not like there's a shortage of children in the world.

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dodgyb
I decided not to have kids because I could not guarantee that they would have
as many opportinuties as had been provided for me.

The main reasons for this negative outlook were exponential population growth,
the degrading environment and the threat of nuclear war. At best all I could
see was hand-wringing in response to these challenges, in general most people
chose to ignore them.

Maybe things are beginning to change, but not enough to guarantee that the
next few generations will not experience a degraded quality of life.

Regrets? None. You can't choose your kids but you can choose to live as you
wish without the risk of getting a 'bad egg'.

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yodsanklai
Maybe it has to do with my own childhood, but I've never felt the need to have
children. In a sense, it's not a choice, I simply have no desire.

That being said, I like my life as it is and I don't see how it would be
better with children. I can see how it would be worse though. I have a lot of
freedom that I wouldn't have with kids.

Another reason for not having kids is that I'm an anxious person. I worry
already a lot for no good reason, I imagine it would be worse if I had kids to
worry about.

So far, I don't have any regrets. But it has been an issue with most of my ex-
gfs who wanted kids...

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scarface74
I started dating my now wife when I was 37 and she was 35. She had two kids
who were 8 and 14. That was 7 years ago.

One of the first discussions we had was did I desire to have children "of my
own". I said I didn't and she didn't want to "start over".

I love my step children and became very close almost immediately. I don't feel
like I'm missing anything by not having my own biological kids.

But, at 37 - we married less than 8 months after we started dating - I knew I
was selfish. Not financially, but I knew I wanted to have plenty of time to
enjoy life with just my wife.

With kids that age, we've always been able to balance alone time and family
time. We could leave our kids at home when we went out and even left them home
alone over the weekend when my older child turned 16.

I'll be 46 when my younger child graduates. My wife and I have our whole life
ahead of us.

I've never like babies. I wouldn't deal with babies in my own family until
they were potty trained and talking. To me babies just limit what I can do in
life and the freedom I enjoy.

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billconan
I do not know the meaning of life. I do not what to perform a serious action
without knowing the reason.

My mother is urging me to have a child. Her major argument is that when I get
old, no one would take care of me. But I think that’s selfish thinking. The
purpose of a new life shouldn’t be taking care of another person.

I’m impatient with children too. I stay away from relatives’ children during
reunions. I hardly find joy interacting with them.

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candiodari
Reality for a lot of people: economic reasons. Even in the bay area.

You simply can't raise children in anything smaller than a 3 bedroom apartment
or house. Furthermore, because of groceries and driving around, they
effectively require a car. On top of that, at least one of the parents need to
sacrifice most time between, say, 5pm and 8pm every day. More than just that
before they go to school (and this will put strain on the relationship, for
obvious reasons). I mean, perhaps if you limit yourself to just one you might
make it work with a 2 bedroom place, but ...

So you need a lot more stuff, and you must work less ...

There's massive rewards too, of course, but ... you have a lot of people that
really want children, but realize it would destroy them. If you're wondering
why people don't have children, imho, mostly that question is answered if they
invite you to dinner.

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thefounder
I'm 30 and I have no regrets yet but the pressure is quite annoying...I guess
that some people just want kinds, some don't and some want when it's too late.
I hope I won't change my mind...

~~~
zcase
Pressure from family? Friends? Is this more keenly felt by women v men do you
think?

~~~
cimmanom
The impression I get is that women are more expected to want children, so not
wanting them is seen as more transgressive. Additionally, women have a shorter
timeframe in which to have children, so the pressure intensifies after age 30
in a way that it may not for men.

However, parents want grandchildren from their male and female children
equally, and pressure from friends is applied to a couple as a couple, not as
individuals.

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fxdgear
For years I was passionate about not wanting children. I even got divorced
because my ex-wife assumed I would change my mind after we got married.

Turns out wanting children is something I wanted. It just took meeting the
right person to change my mind. My partner also was a never-breeder before we
met.

Sometimes meeting the right person can change your outlook on life and future
plans.

 _edit_ : spelling and grammar

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gaspoweredcat
I find them incredibly annoying and I'm not willing to lower my quality of
life to have a kid. No regrets at all, people told me when I was a teenager
that I'd change my mind one day but nearly 20 years later I'm still of the
same opinion

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cyann
For ecological reasons.

No regrets so far. We know we might sometimes later, after retirement. Or not.

~~~
jwynia
Not making any more Americans (assuming here) is one of the most ecologically
responsible things someone can do.

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thebooktocome
I'm gay, so having biological children is out. Surrogacy is too legally
complicated.

I considered adopting briefly, but the government is so unstable in the United
States that I can easily imagine an adopted child of mine being taken away.

~~~
zcase
Sorry to hear. I can't tell from your answer--how much do you want kids?
There's always the possibility of moving somewhere you feel is more stable

~~~
thebooktocome
It's not necessary.

I'm also an only child supporting my elderly parents, so moving away isn't
really an option, unless things get handmaid's tale bad.

