
Ask HN: How to stop being cynical all the time? - awayay_temp
Maybe I&#x27;m just growing up, or building &quot;character&quot;, but I realize I will always have to endure bullshit in life that I have no control over. In college, it&#x27;s going through unhelpful TA&#x27;s and price gouging by Pearson&#x2F;Housing&#x2F;etc. At work, it&#x27;s maybe office politics or even in consulting it&#x27;s unreasonable clients. A friend would tell me to &quot;suck it up and drive on&quot;.<p>I&#x27;m slowly cutting out unessential social media. I only check the news twice a day. I&#x27;ve listened to &quot;this is water&quot; by David Foster Wallace. I&#x27;ve read the Cracked article on Six Harsh Truths. I do exercise&#x2F;yoga and slowly am integrating ten minutes of mindfulness into my moring. I&#x27;m still crabby.
======
swamy_g
Most of the adult world runs on bullshit. Bullshit jobs fueled by bullshit
corporate politics. It's hard to find meaning in the corporate world.

But there are some things that are resistant to cynicism, like having
meaningful friendships and relationships. Or working diligently to achieve
some big dream of yours. Or getting out of the corporate world and walking the
entrepreneur path.

For as much as bullshit exists in the world, there are also genuine things to
pay attention to and care about.

If you feel you are cynical all the time, then that means you haven't found
something that you can genuinely devote your energy into.

~~~
androidgirl
I'm not the OP, but what are the best ways to discover something with meaning?

~~~
Art9681
I don't think meaning is a path that can be forced. You have to figure it out
on your own. What I would suggest is focus on things where the journey brings
you happiness and satisfaction not the potential outcome. I like to code just
for the sake of learning and coding and "making things move". Whether that
skills translates into a successful business or app idea or not is irrelevant
to me. I have several hobbies I treat this way. "Doing the thing" is what
brings me pleasure, not the romanticized idea that I will be successful doing
it or become some master of it in the future.

------
xupybd
Many don't know that overtime you can curate the thoughts you allow in your
head. If you start thinking a complaining thought just don't let the thought
continue. This is by no means easy but as you build up the habit eventually
the thoughts won't even pop up.

It's a positive feedback loop. I feel negative I think negative thoughts, that
makes me more negative. So you have to break that loop. I feel negative, I
think a negative thought, then nope not listening to that. What's something
positive I can think about? That coffee I had this morning was pretty good. Oh
that's right tonight I get to finish the next episode of that show I like.

Eventually your outlook gets more positive.

~~~
sethammons
On mobile, so I'm too lazy to find the source.

When older seniors were asked the secret to a happy life, they said you choose
to be happy.

I feel that relates to your currated thoughts model. I can see that in myself
and many who I've meet. Situations where life kicked them in the teeth and
they have all the justifications to be angry and bitter, yet they are not.
Enjoy the small things, don't give much heed to the negatives. The most
important step one can take is the next one. Enjoy the journey.

------
sethammons
I'm reminded of my kids when they were little. In a angry, sobbing mess: "She
made me [fill in the blank]!" Usually, my response was around the lines of,
"no, you chose to react by [fill in the blank]."

A concrete example. It could start with a provoked action, like taunting
leading to frustration, leading to an outburst where milk got spilled and the
spiller blaming the taunter. "You made me spill my milk!" Nearly every time, I
would attempt to explain that the spiller chose to react the way they did, and
while it is not ok that they were taunted, it was their choice to throw a fit
and it was their fault the milk was spilled or their fault they were angry.
They were not manually forced to spill their milk. Their choices led to that.
And on the flip side, the other child would be scolded separately for being
mean.

I tried to teach them that they are responsible for how they feel and how they
act. The world can't "make" them feel or act, they choose it. Time will tell
if that lesson was helpful.

------
jryan49
Learning to accept things you cannot change is one of the hardest things I've
had to learn growing up.

Constant black and white thinking and cognitive distortions [0] all will
increase your anxiety. Realize these emotions' utility and purpose. These
feelings are meant to provoke action or change by you to improve your life.
Constant negativity about things you have no control over cannot and will not
ever help you.

It's good to practice questioning yourself when you're being crabby. Nothing
in the world is 100% negative. The world is a lot more gray then black or
white.

Try to challenge your assumptions about the world a bit more. Accept that
maybe you don't know everything, and you almost never have the whole story,
and use that to feel better.

For example, you may think that you're being ripped off constantly. You can
challenge that with "at least it's keeping people working, and providing for
their families". Maybe what you consider being "ripped off" isn't actually you
being ripped off, maybe it's expensive to make these books. Don't think of it
as 100% of the cost is a rip off. Maybe be like, well at least the books are
worth 75% of what I paid for them.

In essence, if you cannot fix an issue yourself, you have to learn how to not
care so much by either lessening the negativity of an event by challenging
your emotions, either by turning negatives into a positive, or letting it just
not affect you because it's not worth it.

[0]:
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion)

~~~
james_s_tayler
Between learning to accept things I cannot change and learning to change
things I cannot accept, I find them both equally difficult, so I have opted to
pursue the latter as it's at least mildly more interesting.

~~~
BLKNSLVR
It's not really a one-or-the-other kinda deal. It's not a fork in the road.
Acceptance of things you cannot change isn't an opt-out whilst it is possible
to opt out of trying to change things that you could change if you tried. But
accepting things out of your control IS a change in itself.

Make an effort to discard the anger, bitterness, and confusion that results
from "things you cannot change" and you'll probably find it easier to focus on
the things you can change.

Whether it's interesting or not doesn't (shouldn't) really factor into
improving one's long-term mental health.

------
josht
You have more control over your thoughts than you think you do -- it's a
muscle like any other that gets stronger with practice. The next time you find
yourself being cynical, try this:

Take a moment to mentally step away from your cynical thought seeds. Observe
them from an omniscient, non-judgemental point-of-view, as best as you can.

Like a farmer looking over his land, he knows nothing on his farm can affect
him unless he _allows_ it to affect him. As the observer, you gets to decide
what thoughts to water and grow. The flip side is equally true too -- deprive
negative thoughts of attention and resources and they'll pass.

------
SubuSS
Once upon a time, I used to rage when driving. Then I remember traveling with
another person who I consider equally / more passionate and someone cut us
off. This guy didn't even notice and kept our conversation going. Obviously I
pointed it out and he was like 'yeah, what're you gonna do about him'. That
moment kinda changed my life when it comes to things I don't control /
whatever I classify as bullshit - in essence someone else unfairly taking
advantage of you.

I still am pretty cynical in the sense that I have very low expectations. I
strongly believe in entropy and that everything will fail you :). But I use
that to temper my disappointment when things/people fail me rather than
affecting my general world view: I keep my focus on my stuff and just brush
off (or try really hard to) the external effects.

Just my $0.02 - HTH

~~~
BLKNSLVR
(@SubuSS: this is not a 'reply' as such, it's more of an extension of the same
as what you said as per my experience of similar)

Driving rage, yep, I lived there for a long time. It's one of the specific
experiences I keep referring back to when I need to re-evaluate my state of
mind.

People that cut you off just have no awareness of the world around them, and
whilst it's dangerous and shouldn't happen (despite the fact it happens so
frequently), it shouldn't affect your emotional state. It shouldn't make you
angry and aggressive for any length of time because your emotional state won't
change the situation or the other person, it just ruins part of your day -
don't let it.

The other side of the driving rage coin is that I've made mistakes whilst
driving, and in those (very rare) situations I'm glad someone else was able to
react quickly enough that it didn't turn into something worse.

There's also the familiar driving situation when someone else rages at you
for, seemingly, no reason. I've learnt to actually enjoy that because I figure
that they're having a worse time than me. Poor angry person letting their
emotions dictate their life. Pity is healthier than anger.

Expectations are the cause of many an argument. Didn't bring home flowers on
Valentine's Day and cop it from both barrels from the missus? Mis-aligned
expectations. Assume the worst and anything better is a win :)

The ability to self-analyse is key, I think. Why do I feel this way? What
caused it? How can I change it next time? Treat the cause, not the symptoms.

It all takes effort though, gotta make it a habit.

~~~
mindentropy
I am living in a country where there is no respect for traffic rules. I too
used to rage but I have stopped.

The realization came when I realized I am helpless and cannot change anything.
What I can really do is learn to cope with the madness. This realization
helped me a lot to lead a stress free life. I stopped convincing people or
caring about them if they are difficult. In life the first priority is myself
and then everybody else. Taking care of oneself really breaks your stress
away.

------
WheelsAtLarge
Get a job or volunteer helping people in need. Nothing changes your view of
life like viewing life from the point of view of someone in need and you being
able to help.

~~~
Dowwie
+1. American Red Cross disaster response - join the movement!

------
jupitersmoons
Hey,

I'm 23 years old and in the same boat. Was always a cheerful person, but I've
found myself becoming ruder, more curt, and always on edge as if everyone is
out to argue/fight. I'm finding it tough working in an office environment
where lots of things are annoying me and making it hard for me to not snap at
people.

Good luck to you and hope we can figure something out.

In addition to This is Water, I really recommend How to Win Friends and
Influence People, and Slaughterhouse Five.

Cheers :)

------
ImprovedSilence
Along with all the other good advice here: Get enough sleep. Pretty much
without fail, any time I start getting down on life or the daily grind or the
state of the world or whatever, I notice I wasn't nearly getting enough sleep
that week.

That and sometimes happiness is a habit, find small things that make you happy
instead of small things that make you angry. Or just learn to revel in the
chaos like a madman...

------
tardismechanic
Realise that the root cause of all misery on this planet is: “The world is not
happening the way _I_ think it should happen”.

~~~
james_s_tayler
Totally.

People misconstrue the design goals of systems all the time and it causes
unending frustration.

Understanding the real design goals behind most things usually leads to
unending sadness.

I believe the OP knows what's up.

~~~
tardismechanic
I am but a humble observer of this universe begging, borrowing and stealing
pearls of wisdom from greater beings that came before me.

The material universe has never been, is not and will never be perfect. Let
go!

Moreover, every atom in the universe is ever changing. When you look at your
reflection in the mirror, by the time light bounces off your face, reflects
back into your retinas and registers in your brain, your body has already
changed! So what is it that you are calling "me"?

The actual process of doing something has to be enjoyable. At best the final
result can be icing on the cake - but you have to love the cake first.

Hope you find peace and enjoy life OP - its a boon!

------
hnuser355
I’m not sure. For me the point in college was to learn a lot, or outscore
other students on the curve, so I didn’t really care about TAs or textbook
costs. At work my point is just building a career, to which most coworkers are
just incidentally relevant. If coworker is an asshole I’m lucky so far to
usually treat it as an opportunity to learn how to deal with assholes, and
learn how dodge their moves/move in the right direction anyway. But it’s
easier to do this the easier your life is in general perhaps.

------
combatentropy
> I'm still crabby.

This reminds me of a post I saw on Facebook: "I used to think I was in a bad
mood, but it has been a couple of years now, so I guess this is just who I am
now."

Anyway, I think an argument that defuses cynicism is this: (1) Cynicism is
generally believing that everyone is bad and it doesn't even bother them. (2)
But it bothers you. (3) So that's one person in the world who's not as bad as
you bemoan. And it would be unreasonable to think that you are the only person
like that.

That's an intellectual answer but not an emotional one, which is equally
important, because cynicism I believe is an emotional adjustment. People keep
disappointing you. That hurts. If you lower your expectations, then they won't
disappoint you so much. Voila! Intermittent sharp pains are all replaced by a
chronic, everpresent, dull one. Many people seem to prefer it this way. But
obviously something inside you has died.

A fuller treatment requires me to talk about religion, which is frowned upon
here. Suffice it to say that if you believe in the Fall then you see the
current state of affairs just like someone who doesn't believe in the Fall.
But your attitude about it is different. Your attitude is, it makes perfect
sense why I'm discontent with the way things are.

~~~
walamaking
I'm a bit confused and would love to hear you elaborate on your last
paragraph.

~~~
combatentropy
C. S. Lewis does a fine job in his book _Mere Christianity_. He talks about
the conscience, where does it come from? It seems to hold us all to higher
standard, including ourselves, but we fail to fulfill it. It's not just a
matter of disliking another's actions because they are inconvenient. For
example, say someone takes my shirt, and now I'm mad because I'm missing a
shirt. Someone might argue that that is all conscience is. But it's not like
that. It's a sense that it was objectively wrong, and so it would be wrong for
me to take your shirt even though it improves my situation.

I also recommend his book _The Problem of Pain_ , which talks about man's long
history of belief in the supernatural, despite the outlandishness of the idea.

C. S. Lewis was an atheist until his early 30s. He taught at Oxford and then
Cambridge, during the first half of the 20th century.

------
adamnemecek
I was in the same sitch. I quit my job and I’ve never been happier. Idk how
much runway you have but if it’s like a year and a half, quit your job, learn
the skills you always wanted to learn and go be free.

I’ve convinced three people (two personal friends, one person here from hacker
news comments). My friends have thanked me for telling them the truth, the hn
person quit too recently to be able to tell but I’m sure he’ll be fine.

~~~
throw_this_one
You mean 1.5 years living expenses? How much do you think is good?

Also, if you find yourself having imposter syndrome do you think it's still
worth it? Hate my job currently because I'm barely learning anything, there
are no mentors, and the technology is old (EJBs). Not even sure if I want to
stay a programmer.

~~~
adamnemecek
Yeah, 1.5 years. Idk, the more the better.

I had the biggest impostor syndrome. I’ve realized it’s bullshit. Impostor
syndrome comes from you not having done stuff for long enough. You’ll be
surprised how much progress you can make after like a month of dedicated work.
Email me (my email is in my profile) if you want to talk more about this.

I also had my doubts about programming as a field btw. The nature of corporate
programming is that it’s very slow and unexciting.

------
DrNuke
Relent control and fall in love with someone or something? Cynically speaking,
being deeply in love is the most powerful and natural drug out there.

~~~
awayay_temp
That's where some of my cynicism started. I fell in love with someone, help
them go through a hard time in their life, and they left me after I helped
them get back on their feet. I was told I was not as smart or as funny as
their ex, and have had little success with dating since. end rant.

~~~
DrNuke
ok then you are not so cynical, are you? we have all been through rough
patches like that, though, and we all need our time to heal when we’re hurt
but the sooner we move on, the better... so just go out for a walk, breathe
fresh air, try a new hobby and familiarise with different people... if you
have a sweet heart then look for good-natured circles... and good luck!

------
rocky1138
It's helped me to always try and find the good in every situation. If someone
is rude, then use it as a learning opportunity. If it's rainy, at least the
plants are getting nourished. When it's cold, appreciate how warm it is at
home.

------
craftoman
Cynicism came from the ancient Greece and basically were a bunch of homeless
people who were wandering around the streets, mocking and swearing at people.
Many Kings loved them and they were always welcomed at their feasts and
celebrations cause they had a different perspective about life and society
that everyone was find absolutely hilarious. Cynical philosophers believed
that in front of life or death, nothing really matters. Truth is I don't think
they're crazy istead they are receiving reality 2x times than an ordinary
person and they are over-sceptical and judgemental about things and how the
system works.

------
ex3xu
I'll point you in the direction of Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning:
[https://www.brainpickings.org/2013/03/26/viktor-frankl-
mans-...](https://www.brainpickings.org/2013/03/26/viktor-frankl-mans-search-
for-meaning/)

Or, if the memoirs of a holocaust survivor's search for meaning are too heavy,
you can find watered down business book variations in Stephen Covey's
Principle-Centered Leadership, or a more mystical variant in The Four
Agreements if that's more your thing.

Some examples of ideas from Frankl's toolbox borrowed from existentialist
thought -- one that you might find to be applicable is his idea that in the
gap between any stimulus and response, no matter how terrible of a situation,
every human gets the opportunity to make a choice -- and thus we can always
maintain our freedom in this way. Keeping a positive attitude in the face of
cynicism-inducing circumstances is one such choice. Or another tidbit he
borrows from Nietzsche: He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.
Maybe you're just crabby because you have not yet found your life's purposeful
work, which it seems like other commentators have suggested as well.

The way I see it right now, the world is yearning for competent bullshit-free
actors. With the recent existence of light-speed communication, it's only due
to inertia that all the rent-seeking bullshit players haven't yet crumbled
into dust. Hope you can find a way to use your past experiences to be a
positive force in the future. Aaron Swartz, rest in peace, would have
admonished you to fix the machine, not the person:
[http://www.aaronsw.com/weblog/nummi](http://www.aaronsw.com/weblog/nummi)

------
evo_9
For me it was entirely diet and exercise. Once I got my ‘house’ in order
everything got a lot easier. I still have ups and downs - that is human nature
- but the range between those extremes is much tighter now. I also make sure
to get 7.5 - 8 hours of sleep every night.

Food and sleep + healthy eating and regular excercise. Sounds simple but most
neglect one or more (or all) those aspects and wonder why they feel the way
they do.

Edit: I forgot to include philosophy, it’s good to have some beliefs to ground
you too. For me that is stoicism.

------
PascLeRasc
I'd suggest trying meditation if you haven't yet. It's amazing for learning to
manage your thoughts and choose how to spend your energy and time.

I always feel great after spending time in groups doing something I'm
interested in, like attending a concert, mechanical keyboard meetup, or
makerspace class. It feels vindicating (not sure if that's the right word) to
know that there are people out there like me, and there's always people who
are even deeper into a hobby than I am.

------
axilmar
Get a circle of people that satisfies your needs. Let most of the bullshit be
outside of that circle.

People do that all the time, and also they do it online. That's why online
communities exist. People share their bullshit, thinking it's not really
bullshit, and then they have positive emotions and manage to get through the
day.

It's unbelievable how much of an animal humans are. And that's exactly what
drives the bullshit up. We just don't realize it.

------
tinus_hn
In the grand scheme, many things are surprisingly unimportant. This too will
pass.

If you’re in trouble and you can’t seem to get up, reach out and get help.
There are people who care.

------
jungler
Check all the small stuff and see what you can do there. I swear by vitamin D3
for cutting down my mood swings. For some people sleep might be the issue, or
noise pollution, or any number of persistent modern life issues. It all adds
up, and you can usually track improvement by logging performance at e.g.
fitness.

Also, if you haven't yet, read _Enchiridion_ , one of the original Stoic
texts. It is very much about what to do about this kind of stuff.

------
raincom
You can't avoid bullshit. Bullshit permeates everywhere, and even where you
can't get oxygen to breathe. The real problem is that you are getting sucked
into it. Just learn some detachment from the bullshit, wherever possible. In
circumstances you can't avoid bullshit--where your bread/salary is at stake,
just do your job to NOT harm your bread/salary/promotion/etc.

------
bsvalley
I had a similar problem and something that really opened my mind was to
realize how angry I was. I was just an angry man waiting for the world to
change in order to satisfy my needs. I read one book that completely opened my
mind, probably one of my top self-therapy - Beyond Anger by Thomas Harbin

[https://amzn.to/2RPEtcQ](https://amzn.to/2RPEtcQ)

(Disclaimer: Affiliate link)

------
creep
This advice works for me 100% of the time, but may not work for you. Whether
it does or does not I'm going to present it as if it's the Golden Rule of life
and hope it resonates with you.

1\. The key is to pay attention to your own thoughts. Simply notice what
you're thinking about. You can't be in this mode all the time, but when you do
catch yourself thinking, observe the thought you just interrupted.

2\. Don't judge your own thoughts. Don't even judge your own cynicism. This
non-judgmental attitude is the first step to changing anything about your
behavior and your state of mind, even if that seems counter-intuitive. Almost
everyone has a resistance to that which assumes authority to judge. Don't
assume you are the authority of your mind. There are so many reasons why you
aren't, but the biggest reason is that you have no control over your
subconscious mind. "You" lives in the conscious mind, and "You" believes it
has control. But your brain sends a signal to your arm to move it half a
second before "You" can even think of claiming responsibility for the action.
Your mind is like a fluid. Stuff rises from the depths and sinks back down
again and you mostly don't control that. It's a natural process. So there's no
reason to judge anyways.

3\. Ask yourself lots of questions about your thoughts. "Why" is the most
important question. Explore your thoughts without judgement. Try and find the
answers to these questions. You're allowed to speculate and you're allowed to
get it wrong. It doesn't really matter.

4\. Choose the thoughts that present consciously. This is the aspect of your
mind that "You" has control over. If you ask enough questions you'll
eventually be able to weed out the thoughts that don't do you any good. Simply
choose not to think about them anymore. Don't try to get rid of them (that
only draws more focus to the thought you don't want to think, instead simply
tune in to a different station. If you find a cynical thought come to mind,
just think about it a bit more deeply. Even if the thought is "true", you
could look at your subject from different angles and find a less cynical
perspective, one that is equally true, and find something about it that gives
you energy or reminds you of what makes you happy.

5\. Some thoughts come from a damaged place. If you find a wound, you'll have
to address it. Once again, don't judge the thought that comes from the wound.
You'll need to accept it and give it proper attention if you want to heal.

6\. Sometimes certain thoughts just need to be ignored. Sometimes thoughts are
meaningless and toxic. Just ignore them. No need to think about it more deeply
if your brain is muttering about how much of a bitch that lady at the grocery
store was. It's obviously nonsense. Learn to recognize thoughts that deserve
your analysis and those that don't.

Cynicism is a delicate thing and often results from fear. It can be healthy in
environments that encourage thoughtlessness, but toxic in environments that
require hope, faith, relaxation and creativity. The biggest thing you should
keep in mind is that everything can be seen from multiple different angles.
This is why it's possible for a thousand people to hold a thousand different
opinions on the same issue-- stuff is multi-faceted. Sometimes, there's no
objective truth. You can choose to look at anything from any angle you want
and find other truths even in the same object, thus immediately changing your
state of mind in that direction.

~~~
tardismechanic
This this this this this! @creep you are a poet!

------
throw-far-away
There's a spectrum of cynicism: realistic based on facts and cognitive
distortions not based in reality. Any curious, conscientious, honest, non-
magical-thinking human being would more or less be on the border of anomous
omnicide most of the time.

------
contingencies
If you are not in to what you are doing in life, definitely consider change.
Mindfulness is great, scale it up a bit. Add some yoga beforehand. Do you
exercise?

------
yesenadam
News _only_ twice a day? That sounds like a _lot_.

~~~
sethammons
I cut out news nearly entirely. I've been happier. Especially political news.

------
vbuwivbiu
_Paddington 2_ erases cynicism for days

------
informatimago
It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.

Consider being crabby a sign of good mental health.

------
shanghaiaway
Social media isn't your problem. It's you.

You're cynical because your unrealistic expectations are not being met. Adjust
your expectations, focus your energies elsewhere and you will be of a more
positive outlook.

