
Ask HN: Bald men and depression - uw09
Hi HN,<p>I am posting here anonymously. Has any of you suffered from early age baldness? I have been losing my hair since 17 and finally at the age of 29 I decided to shave it off. I am 30 now. 
One thing that has always made me depressed is lack of dating or relationships.<p>I never had girlfriend. Finding GF&#x2F;wife is turning out to be incredibly difficult, especially if you are Indian. I am fearing that I might have mild depression.<p>I had suicidal thoughts a year back but after an overseas trip that is not happening anymore. I don&#x27;t want to see psychiatrist for the fear of having that kind of permanent medical record.<p>I posted to reddit but its usual lift and get fit reply. I am already fit, if not ripped. I weight 150lbs with 5&#x27;7&quot; as height. I do mild workout at least 3 days a week.<p>There have been numerous discussion about just own it and be confident. But, generic statement of be confident does not help. I know I shouldn&#x27;t compare but almost everyone I know in my age group is married or having kids.<p>I was software engineer and to a large degree still an introvert. I know how to communicate once I start talking. I literally have seen zero response from women of age 22 to 30. Many girls from matrimonial sites have also rejected me. In US, I am having hard time meeting anyone new. I literally get no response from dating sites CMB, Tinder, OkC.<p>Have any of you suffered from young age baldness? How did you cope with it and meet your partner?
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WheelsAtLarge
Kevin Bull from the program Ninja Warrior's TV show is a guy you want to look
up. Here's a video,
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4OD0OfWQ98](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4OD0OfWQ98).

He has no hair but I'm sure women love him.

You might say that he's a special case. Nope, he just happens to be on TV.

The reality of life is that we are attracted to confident people. People that
seem to know who they are and how to move forward in life. We move through
life with blinders. We really don't know what the next minute will bring. We
think we do but the reality is that we don't. We admire those that do. The
secret is that they don't know either they just fake it or trick themselves
into it. Being timid is part of one's personality but don't expect people to
admire you for it.

I hear all the time that women are different from men. In someways yes but at
a deeper level we are all the same, there are certain characteristics we find
attractive in men and women.

Kevin Bull does it by being in the best physical shape possible but as soon
you see him you know it. What you need is a way to increase your confidence.
Getting physically fit is part of it. Being around people is hard for some
people, educate yourself on things other people find interesting, sports,
music, films, whatever, just make sure you do it. By the way telling people
what the best way to implement an algorithm in C or Python will not help. Stay
away from the deep valley of tech. Be self aware, try to understand when you
are being annoying.

Best thing you can do is to find a few books that deal with the matter and
follow them. You can also find someone you find really attractive and
breakdown why you find that person attractive and use them as a role model to
copy.

Dating is a numbers game the more you do it the easier it gets. Rejection is
part of it. My advice is to feel happy when you get rejected. I challenge you
to get rejected 30 times in the next 30 days. I bet you can beat that. Do it
in real life. Doing it online doesn't give you enough feedback.

Your problem is not that you're bald. Your problem and many others in this
world is that you don't have the needed confidence and that can be fixed. You
need to find out how to do it. There are no simple 1 minute answers. Please
take the time to understand that and how to change it.

~~~
harperlee
I agree a lot with this. I'm shy introvert and low confidence, and started
going bald before 18. But somehow I never felt ashamed of going bald. I kept
on being shy introvert and low confidence, but not having a lot of hair was
more or less the same as having two hands.

The point being: having or not having hair, muscles, big tits, big penis,
beautiful hair, a high IQ, wide shoulders, a quick sense of humor, a lovely
accent, a big car, a sexy startup, a cool job description, or whatever, are
only proxies for "perceived self[1]-value", that one can use to either gain or
lose _confidence_ in him/herself. This is happening right now in your head,
and it is a positive-gain feedback loop that's _harming_ you. You need to
identify it as such and find ways to cut that loop. Being unable to relate to
the other sex is just a consequence of that destructive loop, not the actual
source of it.

[1] Mind you that the rest of the people don't evaluate such factors to the
same values as you, and don't place the same weighting on them.

------
gadders
I went bald about the same timescale as you (I'm white,not Indian), and it
never really bothered me. It's not about the hair loss, it's about your
reaction to the hair loss. If you act sad or sensitive about it, people pick
up on that. If you act like you don't give a f __*, no-one else will either.

And I know people say get fit etc, but I would second it. I lift heavy but it
doesn't have to do that. Do a "proper" martial art - BJJ, boxing, kickboxing
etc, climb - basically do something that a lot of other people can't or won't
do. The confidence that will give you will definitely help in finding someone.

The other benefit from lifting heavy is an increase in testosterone. [1]

Also a self-help book like [2] might help as well.

[1] [http://www.artofmanliness.com/2013/01/18/how-to-increase-
tes...](http://www.artofmanliness.com/2013/01/18/how-to-increase-testosterone-
naturally/)

[2] [http://foxcabane.com/book/](http://foxcabane.com/book/)

------
runjake
There's a reason you're getting the same old advice from Reddit and
everywhere: it's good advice.

Your hair status does not define you.

Get in shape (it'll act as a keystone habit and enabler). Work on everything
else. Fake being confident (but not cocky) until you _are_ confident. You'll
do fine with the ladies.

------
brudgers
My advice is to _consider_ talking with a licensed mental health professional
about what is bothering because it can provide a neutral and scientifically
based point of view tailored to your individual experience, current state, and
long term goals.

Good luck.

------
ak39
My brother also went bald around 30. He is highly accomplished but felt his
confidence dented by his male pattern baldness. Got depressed, picked up
weight and was also flirting with suicidal thoughts.

Then he decided to shave his head off completely. Then he started lifting and
getting into shape and a few years later had a ripped body that many with a
full crop of hair would die for.

He tells me "having hair on my head for this body won't work."

I guess he channeled energy into something he could fix about his looks.

I'm very proud of him.

------
johnverdi
I went bald when I was 19. It started with a "Caesar cut" and it went downhill
from there. Being 42, I have learned ALOT about confidence, public perception
and assertion. A lot of the advice is spot on here, but I agree think you need
a bit more than that. I would like to offer my help to you. I have led men
into life and death situations, coached and motivated men in sports, and
created a school for children to help them learn tangibly and boost their
confidence. As for women, I married a swimsuit model, dated video vixens,
exotic dancers, librarians, and everything in between. Feel free to hmu
Johnj.Verdi@gmail.com Remember, life is about turning fear into fun.

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hitsurume
Hey man, i've been where you are and managed to push through that depression
and get myself where I want to be in life.

I want to preface that we're pretty similar, i'm 5'7, I weigh 175 (Beer Gut)
and i'm of asian ethnicity. I have hair, but i've done the shaved head because
its cheap and easy to maintain, so again we're on even footing. Lastly, what I
have really going against me is I have really poor eyesight, I wear big thick
glasses and I can't even drive because of my eyesight (Thank god for Uber and
public transporttion). So regardless of all this, I was still getting dates on
OkC, and I was literally filtering women in a 2 mile radius from my house
(because again, I can't drive).

You're going to hear the same set of advice over and over; be yourself, looks
don't matter, etc etc, and really it is true, once you understand one crucial
thing.

You have to love yourself. This is probably the biggest thing I had to learn
on my own. I had desperately wanted companionship all my teenage life and was
doing everything I can to get into relationships. From reading PUA and
seduction, to going out on weekends trying to pickup girls, everything was a
failure.

At some point though in my late 20's, I woke up one day and realized I needed
to change my life. Einstein has a quote that goes something like "Insanity is
doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result". I kept
repeating the same things, and I didn't change the real fundamental problem, I
wasn't happy, and mainly I wasn't happy with myself. So I started working on
myself and worked on things that improved my mood and lifestyle. I was
actually working retail jobs until the age of 27 when I graduated from
College, my stupid Business Admin degree led to minimum wage startup jobs, but
I was able to learn quick and got promotions and raises allowing me to gain
independence. Then I started focusing on taking care of myself properly,
annual doctor visits, Brushing my teeth everyday, etc. Anything that can make
my life positive, I tried to incorporate.

Once I was happy where I was in life, online dating became much much easier. I
was able to write a better profile and my messages to women were light hearted
and had no expectations behind them. I was in love with me and me only and was
allowing the chance for other people to see how great I am. From there I got a
GF and now i'm planning to propose to her in the next year.

So just remember, things will get better, but you HAVE to put in the work to
get there, nothing in life is given to you, you have to earn it and once you
earn that you learn to respect it and love it and cherish it.

------
fred_dev
Hi, it was interesting to read such a text in this context!!!

Early baldness is not bad that much I know a lot of successful people who are
bald. Some of my best friends have this problem as well, but they are happy
and never complaint about it.

And I know some people who never had gf up to 40, and after that they got
married.

These two issues you've mentioned might not related to each other at all.
Baldness is congenital or hereditary, while being single is related to your
personality and your life style.

I think for finding a girl you need to increase the chance of meeting someone
in real life instead using websites and applications and also you need to
learn about girls (put away all the logics you know )

Remember : If you want something you never had You have to do something you've
never done.

Good luck.

------
dontJudge
Maximize your communication (talking) with others. Not just for picking up
girls. Talk to guys. Talk to girls. Talk to people.

Talk to women without an agenda for a relationship. You are focused on the
moment, not some arbitrary goal. If you hit it off, a real conversation will
start. If you really hit it off it will be obvious and natural to give your
phone number.

Talking without an agenda.

------
darrelld
I'm no expert and not coming from quite the same place as you, but I came out
of a relationship that started in my young teen years and ended in my late
20's. I had a "quarter life crisis" at 25 which eventually contributed to the
end of the relationship. Everything about myself made me feel like crap. I
felt lost and confused, but here is how I figured it out:

Step 1: Stop trying to be in a relationship. It sounds counter intuitive but
really stop trying. Get off dating sites too. You are single, accept this.
Really and truly accept this. Don't hide it, don't be embarrassed by it.
Yes...own it. Keep reading.

Step 2: Start going out to more social events and have a good time. Join a
social meetup.com group for Photography, hiking or even just a happy hour
group. Be yourself, be relaxed, talk to everyone, don't try hard to be funny,
just try to have fun with the people around you. Try new things that you never
had an interest in before.

When meeting new people try to avoid the "What do you do / Where are you from"
conversation. Not saying this line of conversation is all bad, but actively
seek out something a bit more interesting to start out with. Talk about the
news, the weather, the new iPhone, your love of dogs, your weekend. Keep
switching topic themes until you hit on something that the other person really
gets into. Think of conversation like a metal detector...you keep swooping
around and you get faint pings back. As you get closer to real treasure your
focus in on that area.

Step 3: Learn to flirt appropriately. This takes practice and you'll probably
mess it up...You're probably already messing it up, don't worry you'll always
mess it up sometimes. If you find a manual online for how to do it, just
ignore it. Everyone is different: different personalities, different pasts,
different sense of humor. Once again just like the metal detector metaphor,
just keep swooping until you find whatever works. In general you want to make
it clear that "I'm into you".

Don't always feel the need to rush to this right though. Sometimes you can
start flirting right off the bat, sometimes you'll know someone for a while
before the moment is right. Use your best intuition.

Step 4: Eventually you and someone else will hit it off. Ask them out. Just do
it. Worst they can say is no. If they do say no: take it in, yes it might hurt
a little, scar the ego. Think of it like applying to a job. Sometimes you just
get a no. Move on. You want a response along the lines of "Fuck yeah! Let's do
it" instead of trying to convince someone to do something with you.

Also if you think you've hit it off with someone, don't push too hard and come
off as desperate. Don't take it personally if they just fade away. There are
so many reasons why they may not want to go out with you: They may be still
getting over a previous relationship, they may have some family issues which
takes priority, they could just have gotten busy at work, might be moving
soon, you might remind them of their dad, you might remind them of someone
with whom they have a negative memory of or a whole other range of reasons.
All of which have nothing to do with you.

Step 5: Keep taking care of yourself. Dress in a smart and modern way. Note: I
don't mean go buy a new wardrobe, but do take a hard look to see that you're
not dressing like a complete slob. Ask a close friend for feedback or check
out /r/malefashionadvice.

Hope this helps.

