
Ask HN: How do you overcome fear of failure? - ryanmarsh
Over the years I&#x27;ve failed to launch numerous things. Some I built and was ready to launch, some I just planned until I psyched myself out.<p>How have you overcome your fear of failure to finish and launch something?
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mikekchar
Some people have irrational fears. But let's assume that your fear is
rational. Failure in itself is not a bad thing. It's the only way to improve.
Someone told me there is a saying in the game of go (and I bet in other games
too ;-) ) When you first start learning, your strategy should be to lose your
first 50 games as quickly as possible.

Even still, in the game of go (and many other games), some people are afraid
to lose. They never play people who are better than them. Why do you suppose
that is? It is a self defeating strategy because by never losing, they never
improve. What could possibly be so important about a game of go that stops
these people from allowing themselves to lose?

I think if you answer that question, you will be well on your way to answering
your original question.

P.S. When I was teaching English as a foreign language, I often taught adults.
The biggest impediment I found for adults learning a foreign language was the
fear to appear childish. With such a fear, learning a new language is almost
impossible.

~~~
moraya-re
Thanks for this, will definitely try. - When you first start learning, your
strategy should be to lose your first 50 games as quickly as possible.

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SmallBets
This passage from raptitude post always sticks in my head, comparing 2 mental
approaches to a disgusting part of a cleaning job he was squeamish about,
basically practice to feel & observe the fear but do not resist or react to
it:

[http://www.raptitude.com/2010/08/how-to-make-life-
agreeable/](http://www.raptitude.com/2010/08/how-to-make-life-agreeable/)

>...It usually involved holding your breath and averting your eyes as you
scoop out the food-slime and hurriedly direct it toward the garbage bin,
bracing yourself throughout, as if you’re jumping into icy water.

It’s the same strategy a wide-eyed Fear Factor contestant uses as he chomps
frantically on the June bug in his mouth — he doesn’t want to confront it, he
wants to escape it.

That method didn’t work for me, it just made me more aware of how awful it
was. As soon as I tackled one sink, I began dreading the next room.

I don’t remember when it clicked, but after not too many kitchens, I learned
the secret:

Let it feel like whatever it feels like.

Just do it and let it have its way with you. Turn toward it, not away.

Whenever I came to a gunked-up drain, I just scooped it out without rushing. I
reached into the drain with no more reluctance than I would have reaching into
a cookie jar. I looked at the mess with a stoic curiosity, allowing the
swollen noodles and bread-mush to rest freely in my fingers for the two or
three unhurried seconds it took to transfer them to the garbage can.

As long as I wasn’t rushing or trying not to touch it, it was painless. It
wasn’t worth trying to escape.

------
dbg31415
Anyone who tries, fails at some point.

Realize that you can't learn and grow unless you try. The only real failure is
not trying.

I like this short little commercial... sums up "failure" just right.

* Failure: The Secret to Success - A Honda Documentary - YouTube || [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOVig5H7UbM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOVig5H7UbM)

You win or you learn. Stop thinking about it like a bad thing.

Specifics?

* Do team reviews after every release. Do more formal reviews every quarter. If you aren't writing and reading pages of opinions on what is going well or what isn't... how would you learn? Blindly following orders is a great way to not win and not learn. Engage. Don't keep people on the team who aren't opinionated and engaged.

* Keep a journal. Review it every so often. Be clear with your goals, take stock of what went right and what didn't. You'll get some right, you'll get some wrong... keep trying. Every week you get some wins... and some losses... acknowledge the small things that build up to make larger things.

* Talk with other people doing similar work. (Don't bitch to friends or coworkers about personal issues... Talk with a shrink for that.) Strive to learn and master all you can about what you set out to do. If you're doing it alone in your basement... not going to conferences, not going to meet-ups, ... it's going to take you longer to optimize. Look for opportunities to "fail" where it won't matter... small side projects, lectures, meet-ups etc. Learn from others, strive to teach others what you learned. Talking it out is a great way to "test" ideas to prevent failure.

~~~
ryanmarsh
Thank you for this. Especially the video.

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feelix
Me personally? I never had that fear. I launched many things, and like with
everybody else who launches things, most of them failed.

If you find yourself unable to launch stuff because of that specific fear,
then I would say it has some extremely personal reasoning behind it, and maybe
introspection would be helpful. Things that deeply ingrained are usually
related to childhood and or family.

Ironically, I'd probably suggest some psychedelics as the fastest way to get
to the bottom of it.

------
Alex3917
If your thing is successful, would the world be a better place? If so, launch
it. There's nothing to be embarrassed about if it doesn't get traction.

If not, don't launch it. Getting traction in that scenario wouldn't constitute
a success or benefit anyone.

Also, the idea of products blowing up overnight is basically a myth. No matter
how good your thing is, expect no one to use it for quite a while.

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BjoernKW
What kind of failure are you afraid of? What's the worst that could happen?
Either people won't notice your product at all or they will notice and not
like or perhaps ridicule it (if they're particularly nasty)

Even if the latter is the case: What's so bad about that? If people laugh
about you and your efforts they're ultimately the ones who failed not you.

Putting something out there is a bit like getting on stage. Stage fright is a
very common fear but it's also very irrational. Derek Sivers of CD Baby fame,
who had his first on-stage experience as a circus clown, once said something
like this about stage fright: "The thing to remember is that once you go on
stage you're not doing this for yourself, you're doing it for your audience."

Focussing on others instead of yourself is a way to overcome stage fright, and
fear of rejection in general. Moreover, don't judge yourself so hard. Don't
take yourself so seriously. Keep your identity small. You're not your product
or your performance in a given moment.

------
taneq
Just keep reminding yourself that if you never try, you've already failed.

~~~
ryanmarsh
If I never show my work nobody can call me a fraud.

~~~
taneq
That's the flip side, yeah. It's why you meet so many aspiring musicians but
you almost never meet a failed musician. Much safer to never take that next
step of actually trying.

Of course, that's what 'fail early' is all about. As soon as you fail, you can
move on to something new.

------
estsauver
I think the only way is to actually embrace failure. Most things that are
worth doing have a gigantic chance of failure statistically, and I don't just
mean startups. Marriages fail at astonishing rates, most friendships aren't
life long friendships.

I think it's important to just say "I want to do this, even if I fail," and
really believe that it'll have been worth doing even if you fail.

Right now, my team and I are building a startup that sells fertilizer and seed
in rural sub-saharan Africa. On credit. What we're doing is crazy and has all
of the challenges of any other startup, but we're also doing it with all of
the challenges that operating in Kenya has.

Just believe it's worth doing.

~~~
ryanmarsh
There are very few things to me worth doing if it means people would see me as
a fraud or a huckster. Thus I set the bar impossibly high.

~~~
dcw303
Forgive me if I'm off base, but I am getting a vibe that you are very
concerned about what others think of you.

My advice (which is free internet advice, so take that for all it's worth) is
that this is holding you back. As long as you don't see yourself as a fraud,
it doesn't matter if someone else calls you one.

And, now I've done diagnosing you, I'll now assume you're in the exact same
situation as I was (which is even _worse_ internet advice, so prepare to pile
up some massive grains of salt)

Because it wasn't that long ago, I remember the first time a project of mine
got the focused attention of the HN front page. I was very nearly physically
ill, because I was sure I was going to be judged harshly by some internet
rando.

And yes, eventually someone did claim that my project was lame / worthless /
something else equally stinging, and yes, it did hurt my feelings for a while.

But then I realised that I didn't care what they thought. I'd finished my
project to (generally) good acclaim and they were just some bitter armchair
expert who felt they had to chip in.

The good news is that it's easily solved, you need a tougher skin. The bad
news is the only way you can do that is by putting stuff out there, failing,
and then doing it all again :)

~~~
ryanmarsh
Thank you for taking the time to respond and with your own story.

------
ImTalking
You might benefit from changing your perception of your work. Rather than
think about the result, think about the 'duty' of each day's work. This is
what I do. Most people think of the word 'duty' similar to a 'chore', but duty
is a very honourable word. It means doing the things that need to be done at
that time. Don't worry about the result, think about the work itself in a very
unemotional way. Just plant yourself down in a chair and do it. And you do it
because it's your duty; your duty to yourself and the people that are
important to you.

I would suggest that, if you haven't, you should read the Bhagavad Rita.

------
bb88
I don't subscribe to the notion that you should make it easy to fail, because
that's not the same thing. In the real world there is no safety net, there's
just you and your dogged determination to succeed.

I also don't subscribe in the idea of redefining failure to make it less than
what it is. In the real world, things fail, and often fail spectacularly,
often hurting the people we love.

And frankly, some things are supposed to make you fear failure. Like jumping
out of a plane with a poorly packed parachute. (Or just jumping out of a
plane, say).

So let's be honest here: fear of failure is a generally a good thing.
Irrational fear of failure is not. And the trick is to know which is which.

And for some people it's often the case that fear of failure is worse than
actually failing. If you grow up in life succeeding at everything you're
doing, then it's also possibly true, you've not taken a lot of risks. Or you
only take the risks where success was guaranteed. And then if it got too hard
you could always drop out.

But for some people fear of failing is what drives them to succeed. They've
jumped both feet first into a business and need the business to succeed so
they can feed their family. The fear of failure is helping them to work
harder, and to make better business decisions.

The problem for you is that your fear is immobilizing. When you jump head
first into something, you'll most likely find it an asset, because you'll
never work harder in your life.

------
vezycash
Two Christmas ago, we got a gift from a family friend – a white giant chicken.

We left it untied outside but the chicken didn't move for hours.

When it finally started exploring, I walked towards it. Instead of running, it
crouched low. And I picked it up and dropped it back.

The next day, it ran when it saw me and I chased it. The chase was short
because it ran towards the corner of the fence, leaving itself no place to
run. And crouched low. I picked it and dropped it. The next day I ran after it
and this time, it has me running around the house until it slipped and fell.

After that day, I couldn’t catch it alone.

Morale

People out of school are like the chicken fresh out of farm. Maximum fear, too
much unknowns.

We can back ourselves into a corner by not having a back up plan, trying to
become Facebook on first try, putting our hope of livelihood on the project.

Reduce the pressure by trying plenty small projects. Make friends who are also
working on stuff. You help them, they'll help you too. Get a small job, so
time is not a pressure...

Try a lot of small projects. You'll learn a lot. And one of them might
surprise you. No one can say with certainty that a project will succeed. Good.

------
EGreg
Simple.

Make it safe to fail. Then you can do it over and over and call it
"iterating". Measure your metrics and improve them.

That's how you get repeatable success.

~~~
vezycash
>Make it safe to fail

That's the best advice on this thread here. So how do you make it safe to
fail?

Examples:

If you have a day job, a failed side project isn't the end of the world.

Scale down your ambitions drastically. There's something we big dreamers do.
We have an idea and instantly envision the idea making thousands of dollars.
For some people, it motivates them, for others, it makes it feel like waking
on a thin rope accross two skyscrapers.

So beware when this happens, and aim low "mentally."

Seek small projects that would cost you little time and money. And would earn
a few dollars or hundreds of dollars. If it works, you'll have beer money. If
it doesn't, you'll shrug.

Have at least two concurrent project so your fate doesn't feel tied to a
project.

Send me a message and I'll help give more specific / tailored advice.

------
gargarplex
Realize that your fear is rational. You're going to fail, because you suck...
for now. So when you feel afraid it's just your brain working correctly.

Figure out your missing skills (have someone successful diagnose you) and then
improve incrementally. Why don't you post about some of your projects in a new
thread and ask for help?

------
ryanmarsh
To clarify, this is about launching. I imagine many other people on HN have
their own things they'd like to launch but are afraid to. This isn't about
motivation to create but rather to show your work and ask for money.

------
senectus1
You never learn faster or better than through making mistakes. Factor the
mistakes in, expect to make them and be prepared for them.

Mistakes/failures are just opportunities to learn a poignant point about how
to do it better.

------
iisbum
For me it's all about how you frame the question of why you're building
things.

The first tune I built something it wasn't with a big vision to be the next
Facebook (Facebook didn't exist then actually :)) but it was something I
needed, and I figured I'd just see if other people needed it too.

Other times, I've built things purely as a learning exercise, so you can't
fail if you launch, you've actually succeeded just because you launch, what
comes later doesn't matter.

Once I'd launched a couple of times, the fear factor didn't really come into
mind anymore.

------
marcus_holmes
I used to have massive fear of failure. Now I treat everything as an
experiment. The point of the exercise is not to "make a million bucks" or
"create a business" or even "get some customers".

The point of the exercise is to learn. I will try doing this thing in this
way. If that doesn't work, I haven't failed, I've just learned that doing that
thing in that way at that time doesn't work.

Hopefully I've also learned some other stuff that will make my next experiment
more financially productive ;)

------
gravyboat
I recognize that it might fail and ensure that failing is not the end of the
world. If the project does fail then I make sure I learn from it for future
projects. I wrote a blog post on a failed project a while back that covers
some of this. Recognizing why you failed and learning from it is all that
matters: [https://hungryadmin.com/a-failed-projects-
postmortem.html](https://hungryadmin.com/a-failed-projects-postmortem.html)

------
morgante
One approach I've taken is to commit to launching irrespective of outcome. I
was inspired by Pieter Levels launching 12 startups in 12 months:
[https://levels.io/12-startups-12-months/](https://levels.io/12-startups-12-months/)

Like anything, it gets easier the more you do it. Try to launch things which
you _aren 't_ passionate about so have less invested—with less pressure, you
can start to build your launch muscles.

------
TuringNYC
I would not even call it a failure, some things are infeasible, economically
non-viable, etc. Try to de-risk projects to see if they fall into those
categories. Figure out the major barriers and try to de-risk them one by one.
If you run into a real barrier, also don't hesitate to end the project.
Sometimes "failure" is the best option.

------
Radim
First, cost/benefit analysis to see if it's worth the effort (mental,
financial, time).

If so, I commit to the project publicly and preferably make other people
dependent on its success, because:

 _Fear of failing others > fear of my own failure._

I like lighting fires under my ass. Being chill and "whatever, it's a learning
curve" doesn't help me get things done.

~~~
alpn
> I like lighting fires under my ass.

This is probably the best advice OP could get. By doing so, you're basically
forcing your fearful/lazy self into action.

~~~
ryanmarsh
I'm not lazy in any sense. All I do is work. I'm afraid to show my work.

~~~
alpn
I didn't mean to say you're lazy. I just think that the same advice holds for
general procrastination, which is itself, often related to fear of failure,
but could be mistakenly interpreted as laziness.

------
creo
Just jump right into it. If it fails then look and think what failed, then fix
it and try again. Look how many space missions started up with explosions. We
wouldn't be where we are if someone decide to stop trying after first failure.

~~~
onion2k
The problem with this is that most startups don't have the runway to recover
from a mistake. This is why you _have_ to try things as early as possible - if
you wait you won't have enough cash left to try something else.

~~~
creo
Then it's a management/planning problem. Applying too much workforce on
something that does not payoff.

------
orsenthil
* Not demanding much from yourself. * Accepting yourself. * Doing something for enjoyment rather than to prove to someone else. * And finally, no one knows your answer, you got to find out yourself by trying different things.

------
polskibus
I have an additional question - does any of you thinking or not thinking about
failure, ever consider or fear retirement (and the effect of failure(s) on the
quality of retirement) ? If yes, how do you cope with it?

~~~
ryanmarsh
Very good question. No. Very provocative. If I look at this from retirement I
can see that upsetting a few people would just be some bumps in the road that
I could get over.

------
digitalzombie
Fear of failure got nothing Fear of regret.

I can learn far more from failure than regret. Regrets is fills of what ifs.
Where as failure is I'm one step closer to my goal.

------
Radeo
Just jump into the task. Less thinking, more action.

Remember after every failure you are richer - experience is gold and no1 can
take it away from you.

------
samhefnawy
the one trick I have done was to read more and come to know the Failure
stories ....avoid what happened and try taking chances.

the other one...remembering " Fear Fear itself"

Lastly, just get the price of failure ready (save the failure coins) and delve
into the risk...

------
apeacox
You can't fail if you don't try at all. But you can't either succeed.

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axefrog
Realise that by not risking failure, you fail automatically.

------
imron
Fail enough, and you'll no longer be afraid of it.

~~~
ryanmarsh
Haha. I've failed a ton. I think it's made me more fearful of it.

~~~
imron
What happened after each of those failures?

~~~
ryanmarsh
Shame, self doubt, apologies.

~~~
imron
So nothing major then.

------
zubat
There is no life without struggle

~~~
ryanmarsh
I have no problem with struggle. I've done some incredibly hard things and
persevered through terrible personal struggle. I'm just afraid to show my
work.

------
pw
Fail.

