
Ask HN: Advice on balancing family life at a startup - foothompson
I am a technical cofounder at a startup. We are a small company (team of ~5) around a year old, with 1-2 years of funding left before we will need to raise again at our current spend levels. I think we have a good chance of getting to a successful place with our company and doing that round successfully, which could be life-changing financially for me and my family (I come from a middle class background). The technology is also exciting to work on.<p>Recently, my young daughter started going through a few health difficulties. Our startup works a little harder than an average engineering job (maybe typical for a seed stage silicon valley startup). Unfortunately I am not really able to balance my family life commitments (the number of appointments that I need to attend, along with the extra support my wife needs), with the demands of the startup. I feel like I am doing a bad job at both.<p>I have been think returning to a regular software engineering job at a big tech company, perhaps the same one I worked at before this startup. I should be able to balance much better (more cash, more time, and less psychological involvement with the job). However, I feel guilty leaving the company and the team, and worried it could really set the company back at this crucial stage. It also feels like the current situation of me trying to balance both isn&#x27;t sustainable either.<p>Sorry for the ramble. Anyone have any advice here on how to think about such a decision?
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ossie
You should sit with your other co-founder(s) and present your current
predicament just as you've done here. Your subsequent conversation should be
weighing the cost (to the startup) of you leaving to go back to back to big
tech vs. you staying and cutting back on your time commitment/responsibilities
to where you find some balance. Hopefully, you all have a good enough
relationship where you can be open, direct and honest with each other on how
palatable a compromise is to all parties.

You should consider and be ready to address questions like how long is the cut
back on commitment going to last, how will it affect whatever
targets/milestones you guys have on the drawing board, will it impact your
equity in the startup?

The guilt is a natural feeling, but you shouldn't let that stop you from
ultimately doing what is right. If there is no balance to be found and you
have to choose between your family and your startup, leave...just don't do it
without giving your co-founder(s) an opportunity to chime in. I would
encourage any valuable team member (or co-founder) in your position to take
whatever time they needed, and even consider a temporary hire to offload work
in the interim.

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alexpetralia
This seems like a textbook "good answer" from the book "Difficult
Conversations".

Don't try and figure out how people will think in the isolation of your own
mind. To quote Wittgenstein: look and see! Or in this case, ask and see!

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ossie
Just looked up the book (which i hadn't heard of), and it looks like its worth
reading. Thanks for mentioning it!

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wjossey
One of their other books, "Thanks for the Feedback", is also reading I
regularly recommend as a part of my mentoring program.

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tptacek
Do a good job as a parent, and ignore any demand on you that threatens to
compromise that. If switching jobs makes you a better parent, switch. You
_will_ get other opportunities to lead startups, and you will _never_ get this
time with your children back.

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maxaf
In addition, the presence and close involvement of a loved one can have
dramatic effects on medical outcomes. Here, the tradeoff may be choosing
between saving a startup and saving a child. Seems a no-brainer when weighed
this way.

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cheyne_nz
Aggressive prioritization. The hours you work don't matter. What matters is if
you get the job done. Be effective. Thankfully (i think) you're in a position
to be judged on your effectiveness and not other criteria. As you only have to
convince yourself, you co-founder and the rest of the team. It might be a
chance to change the culture too. It's not about hours worked. It's about
whether the work helps the company. Lots of effective hours pays off. But some
effective hours are worth more than many many wasted hours. This is something
that often gets lost.

Delegate to others the stuff they could do. Do only what is important. Be
flexible with yourself and others.

Family matters and so does what you do with your life. Remember, life is a
marathon, not a sprint. There are no prizes for getting to the end first. Look
after yourself and make the best decision you can. Best of luck

*Edit. Predictive text fail

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rogerkirkness
I had to face something similar. I certainly didn't consider leaving to go
back to something less intense, I just ramped up cutting out everything that
wasn't family and startup. Not for everyone but eventually I made it
sustainable. I would surface the concerns to your co founders. If they don't
have kids, it's harder to understand, but this is the kind of thing where they
will generally have already noticed so a conversation will be welcome.

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lm28469
> I feel guilty leaving the company and the team, and worried it could really
> set the company back at this crucial stage.

You shouldn't feel guilty of that. You get one chance at life, a job is a job,
it's here to bring money to take care of yourself / your loved ones. What's
the point of working if you don't even get time to take care of your family ?

Try to project yourself in 20 years, what will you think looking back at this
decision ? "I'm sad I let down my company" or "I'm sad I let down my family" ?
Especially as engineer, it's not like it's your only career possibility. You
can fuck up professionally 10 times in a row without a major impact on your
life, you don't get to fuck up your family life.

Also, what @ossie said, if you can find a balance without leaving the startup,
go for it.

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yesimahuman
I don’t know your situation, but all I’d say is being okay keeping a flexible
schedule that fits your life and family needs is the most important thing. The
9-5 in the office normal job is actually _worse_ for situations like these
than what you could have in a startup.

If you aren’t able to keep consistent hours then putting in a Saturday morning
or Sunday night to make up for it is totally fine in my book, assuming you are
a truly irreplaceable asset to the company.

It’s hard work to get to a place where you’re confident in your flexible
schedule and still get great work done when measured in terms of results not
consistent time spent in the office. That feeling won’t go away either when
the startup matures. If anything it will get worse, especially when you start
delegating!

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MichaelKovacs
I went through something similar. I'm a cofounder at a small startup and had a
difficult health scare with myself, my wife and both kids, all around the same
time.

Ceritnaly no right answer, and it was hell at the time, but looking back,
here's a few things:

My cofounder took care of my many shortcomings during that time, no questions
asked. He also has a family (which may help in that mutual understanding) but
he'd get tasks with no context and say "don't worry, I'm on it" and it just
got done. I hope you can get to this point with your other founders.

Your startup is more resilient than you think. I missed many things during
that time, respond badly to emails, missed calls and we came out the other end
alive. I realized we weren't as fragile as I thought. Ironically some of those
missed calls and poor emails still turned into customers. Your startup will be
able to handle you making mistakes and being less involved when needed.

I took me a long time to get back to "normal". It felt like chaos for almost 9
months and at some point, it may feel like the chaos will never end. You need
to know that it will get better and you will begin to feel sane, even though
it may take a while.

This may controversial, but the family and startup are not mutually exclusive,
so I never think of it in terms of balance. The fact that you started a
company means you're probably happier there than at a large company, being
happier makes you a better husband and father and family unit, and that family
unit will be your support through the ups and downs of building a company.

Good luck, you can do it.

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primitivesuave
I completely relate to your situation and am living it myself- I am also the
technical cofounder at a promising seed stage company. While the magnitude of
my commitments was far less than yours (girlfriend vs wife+kid), it was only
when I failed at one (girlfriend broke up/moved out) that I really got
perspective on the other one. I had an honest conversation with my cofounders
about my work-life balance last month and am already seeing the positive
benefits. I made a renewed commitment to myself, and my strictly limited 8
hours of work have started feeling much more productive.

I hope this helped and wish all the best to you and your daughter.

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cjcenizal
It sounds like your family comes first to you. If you were to explain your
situation and decision to your team the same way you’ve done here, I’m sure
they would understand. My advice would be to plan your exit with this in mind,
and try to make decisions that are best for your family, ignoring the impact
on your company. Once you have your plan, do right by your company by
communicating it as clearly as possible. They’ll adapt to your absence, and
perhaps even find a way to become stronger in the face of losing you.

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crocal
Your question is « how to think about it », not about receiving a pre-cooked
answer.

My suggestion is to think about it strategically. Make a diagnostic (what is
wrong and why), derive principles (what are the truly important rules to
observe if you want to fix things), finally build a corresponding action plan
(what you need to do, and in what order). Rewalk these steps regularly. Talk
with your family and partners. Guilt will go away if you stand on principles
you believe in. Good luck!

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trumbitta2
You should talk to your wife and come up with a plan with her.

Give 100% priority to your daughter and wife, and see where that is going to
lead you.

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0n0n0m0uz
Family much more important if it’s not possible to handle both
responsibilities at the appropriate levels of attention needed.

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leandot
As others have said, put family always first. Still talk to your co-founders,
there is a high chance they'll be understanding, if not, you're better off
knowing that early. I'd never personally stick with anyone who doesn't put a
child with health difficulties before job.

I wish your girl all the best!

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edoceo
Could you delegate? I was a founding CTO and had a shift to prioritize family
also about two years in. Hand off what you can, more Manager than Maker.

Ultimately I left but to do another startup - with more flexible time.

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foothompson
Thanks all for your thoughtful suggestions and advice - they are really
helpful in thinking through this situation

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tmaly
Family should come first. Sit down with your team and have an honest
conversation.

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jamewatson
yes Family first

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randomsearch
Talk to the team. Consider going part-time and bring someone else in.

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techslave
pretty easy actually. get a normal job. your startup isn’t headed for success
if you think you can do it with 5 people for 2 years.

