
“Organized Intimacy” events in the Bay Area - turtlegrids
https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/7xnmme/sf-bay-area-scene-intimacy-party
======
lkrubner
It's worth remembering that up until 20 years ago, the unusual sexual
activities in San Francisco was the main thing that San Francisco was known
for. It was, for a long time, the epicenter of LGBQ activism, and especially
AIDS activism. During the years from 1956 (when Allen Ginsberg published The
Howl) to the start of the Internet boom in the 1990s, San Francisco made
national headlines mostly because of the types of sex that was happening
there.

San Francisco's national reputation had changed dramatically over the last 20
years, and especially over the last 10 years.

(I'm not implying that any of this is good or bad, I'm just stating a bit of
history.)

------
moosey
I think that these patterns will become more common in areas where economic
opportunity for all involved parties equalizes. We are seeing social problems
arise from this today, but hopefully those movements (incel, for example)
begin to falter as the benefits from such a setup are realized.

The idea that there are benefits to this are based on my personal point of
view: I am married, I have two children, one adopted. While my marriage works,
from my perspective, as a financial and management arrangement. However, it
has failed in a variety of other areas that something like this would solve.

Physical intimacy is an important aspect of human life, and finding reasonable
access to it during our contemporary societal power shifts is going to be an
ongoing problem. I expect to see more articles like this as people try to
figure it out.

~~~
magduf
>While my marriage works, from my perspective, as a financial and management
arrangement. However, it has failed in a variety of other areas that something
like this would solve.

Sounds like you have a loveless marriage?

~~~
unclebucknasty
The Western notion of marriage is somewhat skewed towards prioritizing feeling
"in love" first, then acting accordingly.

Once you realize that love is a choice and an action/behavior, it generally
sorts itself out. The funny thing is that the _feeling_ of being in love soon
follows.

A good friend who married before I did once told me that, and I thought it
sounded a little crazy. Then, I got married and understood.

~~~
stcredzero
Here in the West, romantic love has seemingly been canonized. It's something
which our culture effectively worships as some kind of oracle of an ultimate
underlying truth. This is also why there is so much irrational thinking and
bad thinking around love, romance, and relationships here.

Love is indeed a profound experience which will change how you view the world.
However, Love is not a god. It's not an oracle unto truth. It's not to be
worshiped. It's not a reason to turn off your rational brain. Anyone telling
you otherwise, especially about that last one, is either trying to sell you
something, or was told that by someone who is. (I suspect you're being
downvoted by such zealots.)

The feeling of romantic love is a part of a greater whole. A relationship has
other sides to it, like the companionate and practical aspects.

------
throwaway-1283
Why are there are so many "fake trend" articles? If you find 2-3 groups of
people doing something weird is that a "trend"?

~~~
gumby
I know! There was an article in the NYT once about the supposed Silicon Valley
craze for socks as fashion statements. I don't think the authors realized they
were being trolled.

Don't believe me? [https://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/05/fashion/in-silicon-
valley...](https://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/05/fashion/in-silicon-valley-socks-
make-the-tech-entrepreneur.html)

------
SolaceQuantum
I recall a daily science fiction piece in which people were romantically
involved according to various algorithms that enforced optimal evaluations
such as a limited difference in wages. The plot was that a woman falls in love
with man, but she recieves a promotion which makes her relationship
inappropriate according to the algorithm of her robot-servant. She is issued
two days to get over it and is swiftly paired up with another male, who
affirms that he is also recovering from the same emotional burden of losing a
loved one in this same way.

~~~
Marcus316
I was very curious and wanted to see if I could google-fu this story up. I
think I've found it (and I don't blame you for being unable to remember the
name): "takotsubo cardiomyopathy by Gage Johnston"
[https://dailysciencefiction.com/science-fiction/future-
socie...](https://dailysciencefiction.com/science-fiction/future-
societies/gage-johnston/takotsubo-cardiomyopathy)

~~~
SolaceQuantum
YES! IT WAS THIS ONE. Thank you!

------
GoodDreams
I host such events in my home here in the Bay Area in addition to attending
such events hosted by others. Happy to answer any questions.

~~~
fuzz4lyfe
I'd be interested to learn what sort of demographic you come from (privacy is
paramount obviously) and what sort of demographic you find at these events. I
don't believe I've ever traveled in a social circle that would openly engage
in something like this so I'm curious as to what one would look like.

~~~
GoodDreams
I have all the privilege. Some events are more diverse than others. It’s rare
to meet someone under 30. Events skew towards the demographic of the location
in which they’re held.

~~~
fuzz4lyfe
I wouldn't of expected it to tend towards 30+ year old people especially in
the Bay Area. Any overlap with other shall I say "cultural subgerenes" that
you've noticed? Say PC Gamers or people really into sports?

~~~
GoodDreams
I’d say that most of the people at these events are not in tech. As far as
geeks vs jocks - I’d say it’s pretty much normal people. Or perhaps what’s
normal for me. Perhaps slightly more hippy / burner than the average person.

~~~
GoodDreams
I thought about it more. My definition of normal is very inclusive. There are
socially awkward, social butterflies, more and less conventionally attractive,
retired and middle aged, married / unmarried, all sorts of gender identity and
sexual preferences at these events. There are events specifically geared
towards LGBTQIA+ folks. Many events are hetero-normative and gender normative
- I think that’s a function of where people feel safe and find community.

------
selune
I feel like such things have been around kind of everywhere but just low-key.
I'm from postsoviet space and I used to frequent on forums/social medias where
there were also lots of people from role playing subculture (not sexual, just
real life RPGs, Tolkien fandom and stuff) and from time to time I read about
people organizing gatherings/picnics with the theme of hugging, snuggling etc.

There are also more socially acceptable activities which, basically, come down
to the same thing - getting super close with other people physically but
without sex: partner dancing, massage, some group games, activities in
religious/spiritual groups.

Whatever works for some people.

------
scarmig
> various new ways to get cozy with strangers—from lectures on tantra,
> workshops on “rope play,”

Neither of those typically involve getting "cozy with strangers," at least no
more than going to an art gallery or meetup or hike.

------
rc-1140
I don't know why people pay for cable or Netflix when the best three-ring
circus exists in the form of Silicon Valley.

Related to discussion, Japan actually has something in this vein where you can
book an appointment with someone and engage in non-sexual intimacy (hugs,
etc.) I believe Vice _also_ had an article or video on this.

~~~
drspacemonkey
There have been a few such documentaries. I even saw one that followed a woman
who worked at one of those cafes, and she would in turn spend large amounts of
the money she made at another intimacy cafe.

------
johan_larson
This is too weird to go mainstream as is, but perhaps some aspect of it could
be Starbucksed for the mainstream.

~~~
neetdeth
Any attempt to scale is going to have to come up with serious barriers to hold
back the tsunami of lonely and undesirable males. I don't believe it's
actually possible.

~~~
johan_larson
Girls-choose seems to be a workable solution. Assuming an event is suitable
for men and women in a roughly even mix, the women get together in a
preliminary event to choose the guys they want from a list of candidates.

------
stcredzero
I remember one Contra Dance at the Lake Eden Arts Festival in North Carolina
which seems to have been written with rapid sequences of eye contact with many
different people in mind. During that dance, I found myself stopping my verbal
stream of consciousness, and it became entirely about music, dance, and eye
contact. I remember coming back to my normal state of consciousness, amazed at
what just happened.

------
yunesj
This is another article that reeks of unsubstantiated, anti-tech sentiment.

"culture and fun has been sucked out of the city since the second tech boom
... when the artists [left] the sex parties would dry up ... Burning Man
morphed [to] a multi-million dollar, helicopter valeted, elite event ... sex
and intimacy parties altered by the world of tech and money ... You can smell
hubris on the streets ... toxic and sometimes dangerous events that revert
back to a very unprogressive and misogynistic dynamic, in which
entrepreneurial tech 2.0 entitlement and hubris is leveraged to excuse
treating women, usually lower on the career ladder, as little more than sex
toys."

It's suffocating.

Yes, the events happen. They are almost always sincere, good-hearted,
intimate, and problem-free. People in SF are experimenting to see if this is
the vitamin that makes people happier in a culture that is hyper-connected,
but scrutinized and isolating.

This writer takes these intimate events, and publishes an article about how
they are "kinky" and "sexual." Author Andrew Chamings should write 1,500 words
about he's the problem.

~~~
dang
Please don't be gratuitously negative in HN comments. Even when you're right,
it degrades discussion. This is in the site guidelines:
[https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html](https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html).

Your comment would be just fine without the first and last bits! Particularly
the paragraph that starts with "Yes, the events happen" is really good and has
much better signal/noise than the rest.

~~~
mmmmmmmmm
I thought the comment was exactly as negative as it ought to be. The author is
an idiot and he should be lampooned like one.

~~~
dang
Not the issue. It isn't that you owe better to the author; it's that you owe
better to this community if you're posting here.

------
flitzofolov
This seems to me like commodification of affection, or an attempt to "disrupt"
the deathly loneliness of late-stage capitalism.

~~~
floatrock
Or perhaps it's a response to the (admittedly not unfounded) pervasive
cynicism where _everything_ is seen as the "commodification of x or an attempt
to disrupt the deathly loneliness of y".

You know, maybe humans just trying to figure out what being human was supposed
to be before suits and patagonia vests got in the way. /shrug

------
ataturk
My observations are as follows:

1) Vice.com, so it is automatically edgy, scant on actual facts and details,
and often just completely wrong.

2) SV has a lot of people who work too damn much.

3) Not everyone in SV has "money" as in "Fuck you money" and for those who do,
it should not be hard to purchase intimacy in some form.

4) All these cuddle parties, eye gazing, and what have you events are a poor
substitute for actual intimacy (not that I am against holding them) in a
loving relationship, which makes me think the substitution must mean something
--people there are desperate for any human contact. We are PC-ing ourselves to
death.

5) Every generation thinks they invented sex. This current go around is risk
averse while attempting to appear edgy and yet at the end of the night, I'm
sure there's the same hurt feelings and sense of rejection we all have had. It
doesn't matter how inclusive everyone is, the hot chick is not going home with
the fat, bald guy (unless he has #3).

By the way, I went to an engineering school, I know quite a bit about problems
dating and how that all plays out. Seems like things are just a bit worse
these days.

------
almost_usual
>The average young person moving to San Francisco today may no longer be a
hitchhiker escaping a conservative town in search of art, free-thinking, and
mind-altering drugs. Instead, they are more likely a recent graduate from a
top college who has survived a five day interview process with a large tech
firm, moving into a corporate sponsored condo in Mission Bay they’ll see 15
hours a week. The much hyped death of art and culture in the Bay Area may have
led to many musicians moving to LA or Portland and artist collectives and
shared spaces closing down due to an invasion of start up money and
astronomical rents. But all of that hasn’t quenched the city’s thirst for
getting off, getting weird or finding new ways to connect. Whether that be
through cacao, eye contact, or cuddles, or some other kind of kink, the
Valley—for all its known faults—isn't vanilla.

Rapacious capitalists have to do something when bored..

~~~
Fellshard
* secularists

When you remove religion of any kind, that void does get filled, and in this
case worship of sex is not uncommon, harkening back to thousands of years of
deeply sexual pagan practice.

~~~
ergothus
Sounds like sex is a deeply emotional practice for human which intersects with
any faith, rather than being a consequence of LACK of religion. (those pagan
practices you cite WERE religious, after all). Several (all?) prominent
religions are certainly opinionated on when and how one should and should not
have sex.

~~~
Fellshard
More that those pagan practices were simply personifications to justify the
behavior (religions built from the inside desires out), in contrast to
religions that prescribe constraints from the outside in. All that's been done
now is removing the external personification from the justification.

~~~
ergothus
An interesting opinion...do you have any evidence or citations (in either
direction)?

~~~
Fellshard
I'd examine the occult obsession in 1800s Britain and Nazi Germany as examples
of this occurring with a different focus, for starters.

