
New Year’s Resolutions for Introverts - shankarvellal
http://www.quietrev.com/12-new-years-resolutions-for-introverts/
======
GuiA
0\. Stop caring about binary labels that bin you in a category A or B,
limiting how you perceive yourself.

5 years ago, I'd definitely have called myself an introvert- except I used it
as a crutch to justify certain behaviors that were actually harming my broader
self development. Just do what feels right for you- don't want to go to that
party? Don't! But maybe interpret it more as "I'm not feeling it tonight"
rather as a consequence of an eternal truth about yourself.

Avoid thought patterns of the form "well of course I can't do X/of course this
would make me feel Y- I'm an introvert!". Sure, I'm still more on the quiet
"stay at home alone" side of things than most people my age, but I still did a
lot of work on getting out of my comfort zone and getting better at small
talk, and other silly social interactions, etc, and while it was painful at
first it made me a much more balanced, well rounded person. It led to
meaningful connections and friendships I'd never have had otherwise.

EDIT: can't agree enough with laynnn's comment.

~~~
closeparen
Alternatively,

0\. Stop letting people tell you that your personality and preferences are
defective, and the only way to be a functioning human is to adopt theirs.

It's not more correct to be at home on the dance floor. Exhortations to "get
out of your comfort zone" and adopt behaviors that are the most fun, natural
thing in the world for the person making the exhortation are... unconvincing,
at least. Over time I've come to believe that it's really all just
preferences, with one side being at times obnoxiously preachy about theirs.

We are not lesser. The compulsively social have as much to learn from us as we
do from them. I mean, sure, work to change your behaviors to the extent you
feel is useful, but you don't have to start from the assumption that your
current state is inferior.

~~~
xyzzy_plugh
Breaking out of your comfort zone isn't about addressing defects, it's about
growing as a person.

If you are content staying in, great. Many people face paralyzing fear or
anxiety and want to overcome it or maybe just aren't happy with 100% of who
they are. If you are, great, I don't think you're the target audience.

~~~
Joeboy
> Breaking out of your comfort zone isn't about addressing defects, it's about
> growing as a person.

Do you think it's the discomfort itself that helps you grow as a person, or
something else? If not, what?

For myself, I think I've probably got about as good as I'm going to get at
faking sociability. Sometimes that's useful, but I don't see much point in
experiencing discomfort for discomfort's sake.

~~~
a_t48
For me it's more that breaking out of that comfort zone will let me get more
opportunities for myself and meet more interesting people.

~~~
Ntrails
Some things are not fun. Being in a room filled largely with strangers is Not
Fun, if they're all drinking it's Double Plus Not Fun.

There is a chance that doing a not fun thing will result in longer term gains
of fun via meeting people, but strangely when I'm miserable and uncomfortable
it's unlikely I'll make friends and influence people. So I'll weight that with
an appropriately small number and find that my overall happiness is higher by
avoiding the above scenario.

I could of course start drinking to take the edge off but that doesn't seem
like a great idea overall. I'll stick in my comfort zone for now, where it's
comfy. And there's tea.

------
laynnn
I don't believe neither in the existence of introversion or extraversion.

Articles like this reinforce a certain paradigm of behaviour as something
inescapable or unchangeable, thus limiting one's ability to explore their
environment in more productive ways. I believe it limits one's freedom and
one's capacity to change.

Sure, you can take a bunch of people and according to any measure that you
create, generate enough statistics that conform to the particular linguistic
structure that is behind your hypothesis.

But that doesn't mean that the structure is really there.

If you change either your environment or your perception of it your behaviour
will change accordingly. If you reinforce your baseline perceptions and avoid
looking at them in a more distant way you will not change your behaviour.

I was very introverted as a child, due to some shattering events in my
childhood and always assumed it was a part of me, it was my nature. As time
has passed I've changed, not to say that I've become textbook extroverted, but
I see my environment differently and I can embrace things in a more productive
way. I can move between those definitions of interpersonal behaviour and be
aware of what triggers certain patterns that I'm already aware of, and move
into mental spaces that I don't feel can be described by this binary
classification.

Language, as in your internal narrative, can become either your freedom or
your prison. You can choose where you lay down your walls, or if you will lay
them down at all.

~~~
overgard
I see where you're coming from -- its not a good thing to give excuses to
people that hinder their growth. But...

Theres this notion of a "highly sensitive person". I hate describing a person
as sensitive because it kind of implies a person that watches romantic
comedies all day, but, if you take "sensitive" as a person with hightened
awareness of subtle cues, theres a plausible basis to think that there are
people that just are way more sensitive. Imagine if every sound you heard was
twice as loud as what everyone else heard. On the one hand, you would have
super hearing, but on the other hand, you would probably hate loud
concerts.I'm not saying introverts ear better, but maybe they pick up on
things you dont, and maybe every element costs a little bit more energy.

So like, yeah, some people use introversion as an excuse not to grow, but some
other people pick up on 5x more detail than their more normal compatriots and
find themselves thusly exhausted a lot quicker.

I'm kind of in your boat where I see facebook acquaintances sharing articles
about introversion or aspergers and im like "maybe you just need some social
skills" but I dont think the condition doesnt exist.

~~~
pavel_lishin
I would identify myself as an introvert, and I feel differently. I don't hear
everything at twice the volume; I hear everything at half the volume, while
loud background music plays. Every interaction, I'm having to watch for those
cues more carefully, I'm having to strain to listen.

That's why I feel like an introvert; socializing with people is fun, but will
eventually drain me.

------
innocentoldguy
As an introvert, I found this to be an excellent article with excellent
advice. The author did a great job of detailing what it means to be an
introvert, and detailing the societal traps that introverts tend to fall into.

Growing up, I had a lot of people tell me that I needed to "Get outside [my]
comfort zone," "socialize more," and "push [myself]." None of those things
ever made me happy. They just drained me emotionally, and I couldn't wait to
get home and read, write, or program something by myself.

As the author mentioned in resolution 1, introverts have limited energy for
socializing. It drains us. It's not about being cowardly and shy, and having
to muster up our courage and break through some social barrier that is holding
us back. It is more like running on a treadmill at the gym. Eventually, you're
going to get tired and worn out. It isn't like you can push through some
invisible mental barrier and then run and run forever. Socializing is like
running on a treadmill for introverts. It wears us out. I think a lot of
people, even introverts, don't really understand this. Extroverts are charged
emotionally by social activities. Introverts are drained. Therefore, it
doesn't make sense for an introvert to just suck it up and act like an
extrovert.

~~~
dan00
For an introverted it's really draining to always see the same pattern in
threads about introversion: that it's mixed with shyness and social anxiety,
and that all three are considered to be overcomable in the same way.

~~~
innocentoldguy
Agreed.

------
mandelbulb
>Say no to social events that promise little meaningful interaction.

That's a horrible one. Minor details are the bricks of a relationship, the
closer you are the more bricks--in quantity or quality--you contribute. If you
don't have any bricks to offer, it is difficult to establish or to sustain a
relationship. For instance, small after work gatherings often seem a waste of
time, especially to those who aren't innately fond of socializing or unable to
proficiently judge the value of such, yet exactly these have a chance to
provide a more intimate atmosphere. Also, even a single wasteful meet-up might
count as a step and with some number of steps you'd also cover a bit of
distance.

As such, it isn't that there aren't meaningless meetings but it's the
recommendation to evaluate and avoid such that is misleading.

Instead, one should be aware that because one has to invest energy to
socialize one automatically tends to avoid doing so at all, which again
reduces the amount one can store. Hence, do not avoid spending your energy
supply but learn to judge the highest and to improve your returns on
investment. What good return supposed to be is subjective but one shouldn't
forget that profound happiness and success is build not suddenly acquired.

>7\. Have more meaningful conversations and less small talk. Research suggests
that the happiest people have twice as many meaningful conversations—and do
less surface-level chitchat—than the unhappiest.

Avoiding small talk won't lead you to more meaningful discussions. It's common
sense that people are happier if they found someone to converse with more in-
depth but that doesn't reduce the value of small talk. You can't reach the
station of happiness by skipping the traveling part, and traveling is often
like long grinding work.

By the way, inversion isn't about the ability to socialize. The lack thereof
is just a consequence of a more isolated course of life.

~~~
SomeStupidPoint
The kind of conversation is highly environmental: I'm about 100x as likely to
have a serious conversation at a hacker meetup as a random night at the bar.

That doesn't mean there's no small talk at a hacker meetup, but rather, if I'm
looking to optimize the number of deep conversations to chitchat, some social
settings are better than others.

So avoiding "normal" bar chitchat to attend meet-ups focused on topics with
deep potential _does_ lead to more meaningful discussions.

(And hacker meetups are fun in that sometimes, people _join_ on deep
conversations and only then feel comfortable moving on to small talk, rather
than the usual reverse.)

~~~
mandelbulb
The nuanced difference between avoiding small talk and pursuing deeper
conversations is quite significant since telling people to avoid superficial
talk usually leads to the misunderstanding of the value of such.

Starting out with a topical interaction is often the easiest way to establish
a relationship and one can become quite close despite restricting each other
to serious topics. But, there will always be a serious limit to how far you
can go with just that. It is quite difficult to call someone a friend if you
never shared something personal and trivia, but it works well if your aim is
to stop at a working relationship with that colleague.

And don't forget that the 7th point is about the general approach to
socializing or life rather than specific gatherings only, hence my broad
descriptions.

>I'm about 100x as likely to have a serious conversation at a hacker meetup as
a random night at the bar.

That is actually not a valid comparison. If you meet with someone of some
common interest in a bar there's little preventing you from having a serious
debate. You just need to seek out a location that allows you to converse
comfortably.

------
rm999
What does introvert even mean? I've heard shy people who are energized by
talking to others described as introverts, and I've heard outgoing people who
have to be alone to energize described as introverts. These descriptions are
the opposite, but they're given the same label. Then you have articles like
this one, where some of the bullet points make sense for both types of people
I describe, some make sense for only one, and some make sense for neither.
Online discussions about introversion are usually just as confusing.

Then at some point the term "ambivert" became popularized, with claims the
majority of people fall into a vague middle category
([http://www.today.com/health/winning-personality-
advantages-b...](http://www.today.com/health/winning-personality-advantages-
being-ambivert-t70236)). But this doesn't really clarify anything to me, from
what I can tell it just adds another label onto a spectrum that isn't well-
defined.

I'd love clarification on this, especially if anyone has a good authoritative
source on it.

~~~
DiamondFox
Summarized from Susan Cain's book "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World
That Can't Stop Talking"

\---

A _very_ basic definition is that introverts have a preference for quiet,
minimally stimulating environments.

This means that introverts tend to enjoy quiet concentration, listen more than
talk and think before they speak. They tend think more and focus on quality
over quantity in most things and tend to focus intently on a single project at
a time (i.e. friendships and how they engage projects and hobbies at
work/during free time).

Extroverts are energized by social situations and tend to be multi-taskers who
think out loud and therefore need others' feedback to validate their ideas or
nudge them in the right direction.

\---

I highly recommend the book, especially if you think you're an introvert or
have difficulty accepting yourself as one. It really helped me see that it was
OK being introverted and that there were certain advantages that extroverts
don't have

~~~
JDiculous
I don't see how introversion and extroversion are mutually exclusive.
Sometimes I prefer being alone and concentrating on something (eg. thinking,
writing, coding, etc), other times I prefer socializing with other people.

What does that make me - someone who's sometimes introverted and sometimes
extroverted? In that case these labels aren't very useful are they? Not to
mention everything is relative. I'm more social than the average software
engineer, but less social than the average salesperson.

~~~
mturmon
This taxonomic question always comes up in HN discussions of personality type
- see also, whenever Myers Briggs is discussed.

My take is that some people are well characterized by being on one side of a
dichotomy - say, introvert/extrovert, or analytical/intuitive. They really get
something out of discussions like in TFA, because they fit the class. And the
fit can provide a powerful high-level diagnostic on a lot of otherwise
inchoate feelings.

But, some folks are not well captured by the dichotomy - like yourself. These
people tend to say that TFA is reductive and simplistic, and does not capture
reality.

And both sets of people are right. For themselves.

~~~
asdfasdfa11112
Do you think it's possible that your (well-thought-out) post could replace
"people are well characterized by being on one side of a dichotomy" with
"people are _more comfortable thinking_ they are on one side of a dichotomy",
without losing any resolution?

~~~
mturmon
For me, that weakening seems inaccurate. And going further, I really do
believe some people besides me are well-characterized, in part, by the
introvert/extrovert divide.

------
bayonetz
So many comments here amounting basically to "don't pigeon hole yourself",
"get outside your comfort zone", "there is no such thing as an introvert",
etc. That's funny because really the whole reason this post exists is to help
the author take a stand against exactly these kinds of denials of self (both
internal and external). In the social spheres of life, extroverts are
dominant, and, at least in the US, represent sort of the ideal temperament.
They literally talk more, have more friend connections on average, are more
likely to be in positions of group leadership, etc. Unfortunately this leads
many introverts to feel marginalized, ashamed, self-hating, you name it. This
post represents the rising tide of introverts waking up to the
misunderstandings of our temperment and finding healthy ways to assert our
differences from the traditionally valued extrovert ideal. Support and
encouragement is really the best thing here I think.

Ask yourself, do you ever see blogs, articles, etc. extolling the virtues of
being extroverted or making declarations like this article? No, it's just sort
of taken for granted.

Heard many extroverts wishing they could be more introverted? I haven't but I
do know most introverts struggle in the opposite direction.

It's definitely an asymmetric situation...

------
Kiro
This is extremely refreshing. I have a really hard time dealing with the
social norm that is being forced on me.

I don't mind being social but no social gathering beats sitting home alone for
me. I can do the thing I like the most for free but instead I spend money on
things less enjoyable just because you're supposed to be social.

------
sh87
My advice is simple : lists.

Write them. Read them. Live them.

If you see social interaction closely (but not too closely), you will notice
it is best kept uncomplicated, low on substance and meaning with absolutely no
expectations from others or from you and the attempt to finding a faint sense
of connection.

With this in mind, you will realize, uncomplicated things are usually obvious
and hence go unnoticed like what you wore to work on the last day of 2016.
Thats a conversation starter right there.

When stereotyped, new years eve is about partying or just staying home or
something else. Either can continue the conversation further for a couple more
sentences.

And if all you care about is telling this to someone you bump into at the
water cooler, you're likely to hear something similarly dumb and irrelevant to
you.

But, lo and behold, you just had a social interaction. Uncomplicated, light,
useless and just that.

Unfortunately, right now, you won't get things to talk about off the top of
your mind. So making a list is a life saver.

Here are a few samples: TVs have gotten slimmer over the years. But not
people. Being a traveller vs a tourist How your teacher from 4th grade looks
so similar to someone you bumped into on your way here. Indian food.

Each can be connected to the next in more than 3 ways if you think :)

After 20 conversations like these, you'll just get good at them. And since you
have a list of good conversations, you can always fall back to tried and
tested ones. One misconception is that social interaction should just be
natural. Puh-lease. Just do this, feel better and do what you really should be
doing.

------
artpepper
I still see a lot of people describe introversion as "not wanting to do what
extroverts do", as if being an introvert is defined by an absence of
something.

But for me, time spent by myself isn't an empty expanse that I'm too scared to
fill with socializing. It's absolutely vital to me, it's when I can really
think, write, read, be creative, experience my emotions, etc.

I'm fine with socializing (preferably in a small group, with close friends --
I don't get much out of parties or big get-togethers) but I _need_ to make
room in my schedule for solitude.

------
gist
Before reading this I was guessing from the title that it was a piece that
essentially was going to say 'here is how you can be happier by being an
extrovert!'.

After reading I was pleased to find out that was not the case.

~~~
Kiro
Exactly. I'm sad to see that the comments here are trying to lead the
discussion that way though.

~~~
treehau5
I am not introverted by any stretch of the imagination, but some of the advice
can be summarized as "do this to avoid people" yet in my experience,
especially being a "child of the internet", the one's who complain about being
alone the most are introverts. I am not saying the solution is to "be more
extroverted" but at some point I started thinking, "what gives?"

------
phatbyte
I don't agree with the "5\. Quit pretending to be an extrovert."

Sure, in the first stages you will feel uncomfortable, your heart rate will
spike. But I think it's good to practice being more extrovert. I don't mean to
change who you are, but leave your comfort zone more, learn new social skills.
It's important.

~~~
overgard
I kinda hate this perspective that introverts have no social skills. Its lazy.
So, im an introvert. I've never held it as a shield, its just one of those
thing I apparently am. I went out with a girl recently. She was delightful, I
was (I think) delightful, the entire thing was fine but after a couple hours I
was like "so now I gotta go stare at the sky and not be around people". (I
didnt say this of course). Like, I was just done, it wasnt shyness I just felt
a strong urge to be alone.

~~~
cmurf
Which is fine, but for the uninitiated they can translate this into
disinterest. Make sure she's not confused. In some sense you're better off
actually saying something along the lines of what you're thinking; quite
literally "it's not you, it's me - I need to go recharge my batteries". It's
also useful to figure out a way to be alone together. Instead of 2 hours
expecting a conversation the whole time; structure it as maybe 4 hours with
intermittent conversation, mostly doing your own thing, but in a shared space.

~~~
overgard
You're not wrong but I have 30 years of experience ducking out of situations,
there was a natural break and it worked out fine

------
intrasight
My mom always said "If something is worth doing, then do it today". That in
the context of New Years Resolutions - which she thought are stupid. So while
granted that we may pay more personal attention to desired changes at the end
of the year, those are things to be mindful of all year.

------
wallflower
As I was binging on HN over the holidays, I came across this comment from
estefan that might be of benefit to some of you who self-identify as
introverts. In particular, those introverts who want to become more social
(not necessarily extroverted). His realization touches on a pretty touchy
subject amongst all of us - 'what does it mean to be happy?' or 'what makes
you happy?' and looks at it from an interesting angle.

> Someone asked a few days ago what the best habit was that HNers developed
> last year and what the health benefits were. I realised I shouldn't do
> things because I thought they'd make me happy, and it has changed
> everything. Put another way, I don't only do things I think I'm going to
> enjoy any more.

It's an incredibly powerful mindset to not have an expectation of happiness or
enjoyment as an outcome of an action. I used not to do a lot of things because
I couldn't see the point or because I thought I wouldn't like them. Now I do
those things anyway, more just to see what they're like rather than because I
expect to enjoy them. I do things to see what actually happens instead of
limiting myself to my own preconceptions. Most of the time, I'm right, and I
don't enjoy those things, but that's OK. They're still showing me different
aspects of life and allowing me to exercise arguably our most innate gift, the
ability to experience. There have been a few surprises though. I've taken up
sports I'd previously discounted, and now I've stuck with them long enough I
can see the appeal. I'm learning a musical instrument and get much less
frustrated because I see the learning process as just training my brain, a
function of time and effort. There's no point in being frustrated.

Now I just view experiences as things to be experienced, without requiring
anything more of them. This means there's less pressure on me and on them to
give me anything. My attitude to them and awareness of them is more important
than deriving happiness and enjoyment.

Now I've written that it reads like zen, but when I practiced zen it was
because I wanted to be happy from it. The thing with learning is it's not
enough to have the knowledge. You need the insight to really internalise
something. It's that "A-ha!" moment. I guess I arrived at the same conclusion
as the Zennists from a different direction. Only doing things you think will
make you happy is just a way too limiting mindset. It really has been a
complete revolution in my approach to life. I can't recommend it enough. And
it looks like this attitude will keep my brain healthy too.

> This approach opens you up to far more opportunities. Say you have a spare
> weekend and you aren't sure what to do with it, but feel like going out. You
> could use the opportunity to try something you wouldn't normally do: go to
> an event on something you know nothing about, or even on a subject you don't
> really like. When you're there, find people who are really into the subject
> and try to understand from them why they like it. Maybe you'll see what they
> see, maybe you won't. But this curious mindset will pay dividends if you
> need to be creative, or develop rapport with people, or just want to see
> what's out there.

I'd had some things going on and wanted a holiday. So I went on my own. I went
out to bars on my own, which I wouldn't have done before because I'd have
thought I'd have a had a rubbish night. But I ended up meeting a few people,
then a few more and had an amazing night. I realised that it was down to me to
make the effort to have a good night, so I started speaking to the people
around me.

There are so many opportunities every day just waiting to be taken. I used to
close myself off from them because I wanted to somehow cherry-pick in advance
only those that would make me happy, or lead to 'good' outcomes. When you
remove that constraint, you become open to much more of life.

[https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=13295213](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=13295213)

------
nether
I'm taking Vorinostat in order to help extinguish my social anxiety. It has
always seemed that I get _more_ anxious after repeated exposure to certain
stimuli. Eventually it'll be the point where I just throw up on the floor.

------
Tycho
Is this thing about social interaction draining an introvert's energy backed
up by convincing research? I see it mentioned in articles all the time. It
sets off my BS detector.

------
bluejekyll
I'm an introvert. I wish I had read this earlier in life:
[https://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-
Fr...](https://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-
Freedom/dp/1878424319)

I don't think you should join a cult, but the four agreements have become a
mantra for me in almost all the relationships I have. And it's a much shorter
list than these 12 rules.

It definitely help me understand my interactions with people better:

1\. Be Impeccable with your Word 2\. Don’t Take Anything Personally 3\. Don’t
Make Assumptions 4\. Always Do Your Best

------
thro3212
My advice is: learn howto interact with people. It is skill you must have,
even if it is used rarely.

You should be introvert by choice, not for some crypling fear and stereotypes.
There is nothing worse to discover late in life, that you are actually
extrovert.

Social interactions are easy, but it is hard to see through smoke screen.
There are books which deconstruct and explain interactions word by word. There
are drugs which temporary bypass anxiety.

Do not listen to people who say it is cool to be introvert (and have even
playlist for introverts).

Feynman bio is a good start

------
cylinder
Ah, I see the introvert-industrial complex is developing nicely.

------
macawfish
beautiful!

