
How to be alone: the difference between loneliness and solitude - aytekin
https://medium.com/swlh/how-to-be-alone-the-difference-between-loneliness-and-solitude-70745a66bc62
======
newscracker
There’s one more state — a new kind of “alone connectedness” that most people
seem to prefer, which has been fostered and magnified by the Internet and
social platforms (I include HN as one of those).

Without even communicating with others, even if there are known people in
physical proximity, many people feel connected just by being “lurkers” in
their favorite corners of the Internet. This is not like passive watching of
(live) TV, but is a bit more of a controlled and conscious exercise. So
connectedness (as an oppposite of loneliness) is not just about actively
interacting with others, but being in a place where relatable people exist.
The same applies to outings too. Just being anywhere where other people seem
to be is enough to feel it.

~~~
ospd
Your comment has inspired me to create an account, which I will likely not log
in to again, simply to agree with you anecdotally in regards to the feeling of
inter-connectedness experienced by lurkers.

I feel like I know many of you common posters, though you may never have known
I existed up until reading this comment.

I had never really noticed or explored this phenomenon until you had mentioned
it above.

~~~
zwkrt
Podcasters tend to bring out this feeling in people as well, like a one-way
friendship.

------
classichasclass
I lived alone for almost 17 years in two different apartments (one for 11 of
them) and this house until I got married, and even now my wife is overseas for
months at a time right now because of what we've gotta do. Solitude is a big
part of my life.

In the very beginning it could sometimes be very lonely even though I've known
I was an introvert since junior high. The worst times were indeed when there
was nothing to do. I have to confess the biggest motivator it took for me to
evolve and embrace solitude was to realize my fellow medical students had
lives of their own and my entire relevance to them was based on what I could
fix for them, not who I was. This made me very bitter for awhile, but it also
made me determined not to base my happiness on what anyone else thought. It
was a lot easier in my second apartment where I had more room and a better
layout for hobbies and many of these hobbies I found still bring me enjoyment
today. I learned to be one on my own.

It is helpful my wife is also an introvert and we had been friends online for
awhile before we dated, so she understood this perspective fairly
instinctively.

------
monster_group
FTA - "The interesting thing about the 52 Hertz whale isn’t its loneliness.
After all, it can’t be lonely; loneliness is a man-made condition."

I find this rather presumptuous. Whales are highly intelligent animals. To
allege that they can't be lonely erodes author's credibility.

~~~
cgriswald
I'm not even sure what the author means. The experience of loneliness I have
isn't some artificial construct created by other humans, even if my loneliness
is due a lack of interaction with other humans. And lots of social animals can
experience loneliness.

------
0n0n0m0uz
I am very glad to know there are many people out there like myself. This
article touched on many good points. I prefer to be alone about 70% of the
time. I NEVER feel lonely, in fact just the opposite. I feel inspired in
thought and connected to the massive pulsating power of our universe and
everything in it. To be around people actually pulls me down into the
superficiality of EGO which is not where I prefer to spend my time. I have
practiced meditation for more than 10 years now and I credit this practice
with allowing me to find comfort and power in Solitude. It really is a super
power in today's world. I am completely comfortable with myself simply sitting
on a bench doing nothing. I do not need more than that. There are certainly
times where I do want to be around like minded people. I am constantly getting
pressure from family etc.. to change my ways. The vast majority of people are
obviously not like this.

~~~
robotkdick
You have probably already read it, but your post reminds me of the book,
_Siddhartha_ , by Herman Hesse, which is about the life's journey of Buddha,
who also discovered that sitting alone was an experience he enjoyed greatly,
an activity which gave way to Buddhism, whose ultimate goal is to eliminate
human suffering caused by the ego. You seem to be saying the same thing in a
different way, which is awesome.

~~~
scns
Sorry for being pedantic but Siddharta is a story about someone who meets
Buddha in person but instead of becoming a disciple he becomes enlightened
himself through living a quiet live by a river.

------
majos
Boy, HN loves articles about solitude and loneliness. And it's a distinction
that often crops up in discussion here.

I think there's a balance here, and cultivating some amount of loneliness --
not solitude -- is also good. For example, two people in my life are "Alice"
and "Bob", who have been married for decades. Alice once told me that one of
Bob's great weaknesses was that he'd been alone for too long in his teens and
20s. This had benefits: Bob's social needs are low to non-existent, and while
he has loving family and friends, he enjoys sustained solitude. For example,
weeks of overseas travel where nobody knows him and he doesn't talk much are
great fun for him.

The downside was that he got _too_ used to this. Engaging with other people is
messy and hard to control. If you don't have that gnawing bit inside that's
hungry for attention and connection, it's easy to decide all that mess isn't
worth it. That can hurt people who need those connections more, as they may
feel themselves weak or pathetic by comparison. Relationships with other
people can become strained if you are at least approximately self-sufficient.

Briefly, my point is most people need (or at least want) to be needed.
Somebody who's truly content with solitude isn't going to put that need out
there, so relationships with such a person might be more difficult. Of course,
too much need is another problem. But a little need seems good.

(This point is pretty tailored to the HN community, which appears to have a
lot of stoicism and solitude devotees. I like both too, but I think the point
above is worth remembering. The mutual exchange of vulnerabilities is an
important component of close friendships.)

~~~
irrational
> weeks of overseas travel where nobody knows him and he doesn't talk much are
> great fun for him

This sounds like me. I once went to a week long conference where I realized at
the end that during the entire week I could count on 2 hands the number of
words I had spoken to other people during that time. I don't have the desire
or need to speak with other people. I'm happy with my own thoughts. Or as Jane
Austen wrote, "Her own thoughts and reflections were habitually her best
companions."

~~~
enraged_camel
>>I don't have the desire or need to speak with other people. I'm happy with
my own thoughts.

I used to believe this about myself too. Then one day I came to the profound
realization that I do in fact have both the need and the desire to talk to
others. I had just been _suppressing_ it by using my own thoughts as a
distraction.

~~~
irrational
Well, I’ve been married for 23 years and we have 7 kids. Plus I have tons of
friends. I have no problem finding people to talk to. But I know myself. I
truly have no need or desire to talk to others.

------
drewmassey
I actually think the author is really smart to point out boredom as an
ingredient in the mix. I’m friends with a pretty successful writer who told me
a couple of months ago how hard it was to get bored in the modern world, and
yet, if you aren’t kind of bored, it is very hard to access the full extent of
your imagination to come up with ideas that no one else would.

~~~
robotkdick
I agree. As a writer, when I get stuck, lying on the floor, staring at the
ceiling, and doing nothing is usually my most productive time. Also, taking
naps is great for productivity.

------
moneytide1
I enjoy solitude because I've always had this fear of being a burden to
someone else. I take pride in my self sufficiency because of this - I seek to
be a provider, not a consumer.

Though more recently I've started to see this behavior as a defense mechanism
against predatory people. I've been an observer of many dinner table
conversations among rent-seeking types, which slowly erodes away my faith in
people (the current commander-in-chief of the US is the perfect physical
manifestation of this type of thinking - the "I was here first so now I can
extract wealth from society" mentality. And it works, because people are eager
to pay for luxury real estate)

But I digress. And digression is a consequence of solitude since you are not
frequently bouncing ideas between other people. It can become a self imposed
echo chamber, rationalizing things the way you want without a reality check.

As pessimistic as I sound, I know that there are many pure, selfless people in
the world. Lots of them have YouTube channels that I'll check up on every few
weeks. I want to find more of them and shower them with resources.

Apologies for the stream of consciousness format. Apparently I'm leaning more
towards loneliness than solitude at the moment, and this article is a prompt
to share something outside of my own head.

~~~
nanomonkey
>I enjoy solitude because I've always had this fear of being a burden to
someone else. I take pride in my self sufficiency because of this - I seek to
be a provider, not a consumer.

Wow, that actually resonates with my own actions. I like people, but I'm
always wary of the costs of interacting with them.

------
factsaresacred
One of the better of the many (many!) articles on loneliness that have cropped
on HN recently. Dovetails nicely with the Digital Nomad post from yesterday.

Solitude isn't lonely because you're spending time with yourself - it's a
self-imposed retreat in order to write, code, make music, build or reflect. As
a result, it's often self-actualizing and you like this version of yourself
very much.

Loneliness, conversely - especially the kind which manifests despite being in
a crowded room - can stem from the feeling that one belongs in a different
place, with different people, doing different things. For this _is this it?_
type of loneliness, increased solitude, paradoxically, is often the way to
escape it.

------
Regardsyjc
I crave solitude yet I still feel lonely, like I'm missing a tribe. I haven't
had a chance to be alone by myself for more than an hour for the last few
months since I moved in with my boyfriend.

I went from lonely entrepreneur to my social bar overflowing into the red
zone, where any additional social obligation is a sacrifice of me time. I love
my partner, he is the best person ever, but he can't be everything, like
sharing my passion about period poverty as much as I can hahaha. I have a
loving tribe of wonderful partner, family, and friends but I'm still searching
for weirdos like me, entrepreneurs that are more interested in building
sustainable and ethical business practices than making money. In that sense, I
crave solitude but I still feel lonely, like I'm missing out on very
meaningful relationships with people with similar goals and passions.

~~~
thisiszilff
I've always thought that our contemporary world pushes these two sometimes
contradictory ideas on us: that we are unique individuals and that we are
supposed to have a "tribe" of people like ourselves. The more "unique" you
become (or the more intimately you know yourself) the more you're able to draw
differences between you and others which impedes finding your "tribe." It's a
trope in media to have a "friend group" of people that share certain core,
common, traits but these are entirely artificial constructs that don't
accuractely reflect the messy business of human relationships. The sleight of
hand comes about when we begin to feel as if WE are missing out, as if WE have
failed, and not that this artificial notion that's been distilled in us is in
actuality unreasonable and unrealistic.

------
tunap
_All of humanity 's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a
room alone._

Blaise Pascal

~~~
some_account
People have become so incredibly needy of others approval and attention that
some of us don't even function properly when being alone.

This makes us incredibly week as well, totally dependent on others to feel
good.

~~~
tomxor
_Some_ people. Those of us who are quite happy to be alone, or even prefer it,
cannot be noticed or included in these statements (by definition).

~~~
watwut
Even people who normally like to be alone tend to break down in various ways
whrn they are really isolated for long time.

Needing to be alone after school or work is not quite the same as being alone
24/7 for months.

~~~
tomxor
> Needing to be alone after school or work is not quite the same as being
> alone 24/7 for months.

Yes that is a different kind of solitude, this is more of a distinction
between people who are part of society but with minimal social interaction,
and those who seek maximal interaction and have some kind of dysfunction
without it (e.g depression).

I'm more part of the former group, I don't usually seek out social interaction
but don't shun it either. I enjoy interesting conversations with people but I
never feel lonely in their absence. I suspect this may have more to do with
what else fills a persons life, rather than some deeper psychological
difference (or some crude dichotomy such as introvert vs extrovert as many
probably attribute it to).

------
creep
>We can’t simply be. We feel compelled to always do.

>We can’t allow ourselves a moment of self-inflicted boredom.

>We’re scared of where this boredom will take us.

>Of what we will hear in our heads if we lapse into true silence: hopes,
dreams, shame, embarrassment… Fear of failure.

>We want to be entertained, constantly. The alternative — introspection —
intimidates us.

I don't know about this one. I'm sure it's different for everyone, but boredom
to me comes from "being entertained". My inspiration to "do" rather than to
"be" comes from introspection. I'm rarely satisfied unless I'm learning about
something or contributing to something-- and usually I like to do this alone,
because I know what I like to learn and contribute and only I can do that
best. Everything goes wrong when I seek out entertainment, so I usually don't.

These lines are kind of patronizing, or feel that way. Not everyone seeks out
online psuedo-connection because they're afraid of being alone; some of us,
most of us, have an idea of our direction in life, know what we're doing and
why.

Maybe the article is a message to those who actually feel lonely. I'm not
sure. But I disagree with a few sentiments.

~~~
paulkon
I second this. Someone who is alone yet spends large chunks of their time on
entertainment (facebook, instagram, snapchat, netflix, etc.) may just be
deferring being "in the moment" and the positive benefits or learning, working
or thinking alone are not realized in that case.

------
tokai
I see some of you commenting about being introvert and liking to be alone, but
still feeling the sting of loneliness. I just wanted to share an excerpt from
the abstract of Robert Burton's wonderful Anatomy of Melancholy published in
1621. I think the alternating allure of solitude is at the base of being
human.

    
    
      Friends and companions get you gone,
      'Tis my desire to be alone;
      Ne'er well but when my thoughts and I
      Do domineer in privacy.
      No Gem, no treasure like to this,
      'Tis my delight, my crown, my bliss.
      All my joys to this are folly,
      Naught so sweet as melancholy.
      
      'Tis my sole plague to be alone,
      I am a beast, a monster grown,
      I will no light nor company,
      I find it now my misery.
      The scene is turn'd, my joys are gone,
      Fear, discontent, and sorrows come.
      All my griefs to this are jolly,
      Naught so fierce as melancholy.

~~~
amsilprotag
I remember reading earlier this year a commencement speech at West Point in
2010 by William Deresiewicz. [0]

I think the skill of being alone with one's thoughts has become rarer and more
valuable with each passing year.

[0] [https://theamericanscholar.org/solitude-and-
leadership/](https://theamericanscholar.org/solitude-and-leadership/)

------
yawz
One of the interesting points in the article is: “embrace the boredom”. That’s
what I tell my 7-yo repeatedly. Boredom makes you more creative.

~~~
robotkdick
Just curious. How does your 7-year-old respond?

~~~
yawz
He’s not too convinced at first. But most of the time he ends up with
something fun. Which I use as an example the next time he says That he’s
bored. As a single child he’s already used to spend some time alone. So it’s
relatively rare that we hear “I’m bored”.

------
abledon
saw this video recently by a contemporary indian thinker:

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfwqx7MaPog](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfwqx7MaPog)

liked its open ended invitation to investigate 'life' and what it is to be
alone in our body.

~~~
fouadf
Just watched that yesterday, sounds like a mix of philosophies, stoicism and
being authentic

------
moneytide
I enjoy solitude because I've always had this fear of being a burden to
someone else. I take pride in my self sufficiency because of this - I seek to
be a provider, not a consumer.

Though more recently I've started to see this behavior as a defense mechanism
against predatory people. I've been an observer of many dinner table
conversations among rent-seeking types, which slowly erodes away my faith in
people (the current commander-in-chief of the US is the perfect physical
manifestation of this type of thinking - the "I was here first so now I can
extract wealth from society" mentality. And it works, because people are eager
to pay for luxury real estate)

But I digress. And digression is a consequence of solitude since you are not
frequently bouncing ideas between other people. It can become a self imposed
echo chamber, rationalizing things the way you want without a reality check.

As pessimistic as I sound, I know that there are many pure, selfless people in
the world. Lots of them have YouTube channels that I'll check up on every few
weeks. I want to find more of them and shower them with resources.

Apologies for the stream of consciousness format. Apparently I'm leaning more
towards loneliness than solitude at the moment, and this article is a prompt
to share something outside of my own head.

------
ppeetteerr
I feel the article does a poor job of summarizing the problem with loneliness
(the diff between a need for socialization and one's ability to receive it)
and solitude (the act of being alone). We all have a different need for
aloneness, our buckets of social contact are of varying depth and, at
different times, feel fuller or less full.

The best thing to do, IMHO, is to look inside and ask yourself what it is you
want to feel less lonely:

\- Are you feeling lonely because you are escaping a feeling or because you
need to connect and you cannot? \- Is there something you can do today so your
future self is not feeling lonely? \- Can you focus on upcoming engagements to
feel comfortable being alone today? \- Are there people you can text a quick
"hi" to fill that sense of longing, even just momentarily? \- Are there little
pleasures that you've been neglecting that might only be done when you're
alone?

It's not simple but the idea of looking inwards is easier than pretending to
be a whale. ;)

------
peterwwillis
> loneliness is a man-made condition.

On the contrary, any social animal can get lonely. There's a wide range of
behavior in the socialization of animal species. Even slime moulds are highly
social. What is considered healthy or helpful social behavior varies, both by
species and by groups. Therefore, trying to extrapolate lessons about human
social behavior from the frequency of whale calls may not be very useful.

Loneliness is an unpleasant experience caused by a biological motivator to
seek out social contact. If you're a social animal and you don't have contact
with social animals when you would normally want it, you will feel some form
of loneliness. Loneliness is subjective because it is a symptom of a subject's
need not being fulfilled, and those needs can vary.

Solitude is more complex than loneliness. Solitude is the state of being
secluded or isolated, and may or may not be chosen. When compared to
loneliness, it can be considered a positive, whereas loneliness is a negative.

While loneliness is a symptom of a lack of social connection, solitude has a
vast array of features. Prolonged solitude can cause mental instability such
as hallucination, time distortion, psychosis, and other negative physiological
reactions. But solitude can also enhance self-esteem and creativity and be
personally gratifying.

"How to be _satisfied_ with being alone" could be more simply described as the
ability to understand a particular need and how to deal with it. You may not
be able to eliminate the need, because you don't necessarily have full control
over the thoughts in your head, nor your situation. Mental illness and
physical isolation, for example, can prevent you from eliminating the need for
social connection. A child, adolescent, or teen also doesn't have much agency,
and can have difficulty managing their thought processes. But an adult with
full agency and who is mentally healthy can probably address their symptoms of
loneliness.

So, how to be alone? I would say, first learn to understand why you are
lonely, and whether this need serves a useful purpose. Then, find healthy ways
to choose to experience solitude, and make it personally fulfilling. That's my
take on it, anyway.

------
Razengan
Solitude is drifting on the ocean or through space in your ship, putting into
ports or landing on planets at your leisure.

Loneliness is not knowing anyone who still talks to you after you disembark.

------
bazooka2th
"you can be alone, millions of miles away from any human contact, and still
feel joyfully connected to the world"

I'd like a citation.

~~~
dopelikeapnp
[https://spaceflight.nasa.gov/gallery/images/apollo/apollo14/...](https://spaceflight.nasa.gov/gallery/images/apollo/apollo14/hires/as14_66_09232.jpg)

------
seltzered_
“Loneliness epidemic —or a golden age of privacy?” - David Chapman
(meaningness) also reflects a bit on this topic

[https://mobile.twitter.com/meaningness/status/97139760655443...](https://mobile.twitter.com/meaningness/status/971397606554439681)

------
blackbrokkoli
I'm really surprised of the thread here, considering nothing is faster calling
out people overstepping the bounds of their credibility than HackerNews,
usually.

The author wildly mixes statistic sources with inspirational tinder-quotes,
mentions research about that abnormal whale, than boils it down to grandma-
psychology and does a general bad job separating "my opinion", "read
somewhere" and "credible source".

In a similar fashion, comments here confusing anecdotes with science and vice
versa. Of course loneliness is compared to network-cryptography a wider
experienced phenomenon and can be discussed on a personal level _if you
declare that_ , but I find it very hard to extract anything of value here...

------
dopelikeapnp
Am I pretentious or are 95% of medium posts boring and trite?

