

Overcome Fear in 2011. Get Rejected On Purpose - ambitious
http://modernhomemodernbaby.com/get-rejected-on-purpose/

======
wwalker3
Having to reject someone can be a very stressful experience. I don't like the
idea of purposefully inflicting that stress on others unless there's a chance
we both could benefit.

"Getting rejected on purpose" sounds like I'd be picking situations where I
know for sure I'll be rejected -- an inappropriate proposition, an undeserved
request. I don't want to do that to someone else just to try to desensitize
myself to rejection.

~~~
tlb
Indeed, I shudder to imagine people following this advice and importuning
others.

The social contract among my peers seem to be to only ask for things that
could be the start of a win-win negotiation.

~~~
dschobel
The whole point of the exercise is that people underestimate what is possible
in any given situation and misjudge their opportunities.

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forensic
"Rejection Therapy" is the inaccurate, possibly dangerous meme version of a
real therapy - in vivo desensitization.

Conquering fear is done by facing your fears not by intentionally going out
with the expectation that things will go bad. Pessimism is just another
defence mechanism from the true vulnerability of ambiguity.

This meme is just psychologically wrong in so many ways.

\- Seeking rejection creates a self-fulfilling prophecy where you will be more
likely to be rejected.

\- When you are rejected in this way, instead of processing it maturely,
you're going to say "Oh it was part of my rejection therapy. I didn't really
even want or expect to be accepted. Add one point to the scoreboard!." This is
an attempt to dodge the reality of what happened - rejection is a negative
thing. It's not the end of the world, but it also is probably not cause for
celebration. You aren't fooling anyone (including yourself) by telling
yourself it is positive. Anytime you are rejected from something you care
about you are going to have sad feelings at the least. The way to handle these
is to face them, own them, feel them, realize they will go away, and try again
another day. But inflicting this on yourself on purpose is masochism and
unhealthy.

\- For most people, experiencing a lot of rejection will not make them less
fearful of rejection, it will make them more fearful. They will come to expect
rejection more and then avoid behaviours that they believe will lead to it.

\- The effective, scientifically proven way to face your fears is to do it
piece by piece, in small bites, and to recognize that if you are not allowing
yourself to be truly emotionally vulnerable, you are not really facing your
fear of rejection. The fear of rejection is about asking for something you
want and then feeling the uncomfortable vulnerable feelings of ambiguity. It's
about making yourself emotionally vulnerable - you genuinely want something
and will be happy to receive it and sad to be denied it. This is true
vulnerability. You cannot avoid the pain of rejection, you can only learn to
process it when it happens, and to have the courage to risk that pain because
you know it's all for a greater good. But inflicting this pain on yourself
needlessly is masochistic and will likely lead to more phobias and anxiety,
not less.

Those who are having trouble with fear - look up systematic desensitization
and in vivo desensitization. Also, remember that true courage means allowing
yourself to be vulnerable. And vulnerability means allowing for the instance
where you feel bad. A coward is someone who finds ways to avoid any chance of
feeling bad. A courageous person is one who is willing to risk losing
something he desires because he knows that it is a smart risk.

~~~
luminarious
I'm not entirely sure your negative opinion of getting rejected is justified.
I feel the direction of the feedback cycle is entirely dependent on the given
person's general mindset.

As a positive example, my weak point is talking to girls. I try to talk more
to them (or to more of them) to get experience. But since I'm not too sure of
myself, I don't come off as pushy or overbearing, so the responses are
generally positive, just because of the attention they receive. Which makes me
feel more comfortable the next time I try to talk to female strangers.

~~~
forensic
You aren't reading very closely.

In vivo desensitization is what you're describing - slowly facing your fears
piece by piece.

Rejection therapy is something else, where you actually attempt to be rejected
X number of times per day. If you aren't rejected, you now have to do
something that will get your rejected. It is essentially a defence mechanism
to avoid true vulnerability.

------
david_shaw
Rejection therapy has gotten a lot of coverage on HN recently, and for good
reason.

A lot of people on the Internet use rejection therapy to get over their fears
of asking the cute girl out for coffee or going to the trendy nightclub
they've never entered before. Here at HN, however, I think rejection therapy
is able to really shine: sitting down for lunch with some VC's or C-level
executives takes courage, and pitching your idea is _literally_ asking for it
to get shot down. It takes a lot of courage, but in the end it's worth it to
take the risk for the slim chance of reward. In fact, many aspects of the
startup lifestyle involve putting your neck out there in hopes that someone
will see your idea and love it just as much as you do.

I haven't played the "Rejection Therapy" game, but I feel like everyone is
afraid of getting rejected from _something_. It gives me the holiday season
warm fuzzy feelings when I know that people are following a system that will
improve themselves.

~~~
randallsquared
_sitting down for lunch with some VC's or C-level executives takes courage,
and pitching your idea is literally asking for it to get shot down._

...where by "literally" you mean "figuratively". Unless VCs you lunch with
habitually bring firearms or the like to lunch. :)

~~~
yan
"Literally" and "figuratively" mean the same things figuratively, but
different literally.

------
jacobroufa
This is great! One of the reasons 2010 has been so wonderful for me is because
of the lack of fear I've had! It took awhile for me to get over all of this...
half of 2008, all of 2009, and the beginning of 2010 were all wasted because I
was too scared to do anything!

Two years of my life could (and would) have been better spent working in a
field I love on projects I enjoy with people that constantly push me to excel
but because of the rejection I experienced (mostly in my own head, mind you)
in the first half of 2008, I froze and was unable to get past it. Well, thank
[insert higher power of choice here] for that because this year I'm back on
the horse and 2011 brings nothing but amazing potential and a blank slate
every day for me to fill.

To anyone stuck where I was: Keep pushing forward. When you realize that the
rejection is your own head working against you, you'll finally feel free. It
gets different!

------
FrankBlack
"This week, each one of you has a homework assignment. You're going to go out
and start a fight with a total stranger... You're gonna start a fight...and
you're gonna lose."

------
dustingetz
or just go learn how to pick up girls. the skills are relevant to
entrepreneurs.

~~~
brandnewlow
Dating hack of the year:
[http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/ekd1o/iam_my_own_okcup...](http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/ekd1o/iam_my_own_okcupid_wingman_i_have_a_fake_profile/)

~~~
singular
Two interesting things about that thread - 1. he's gathering _real_ data on
women not just theorising, which is smart, 2. something you can't control -
looks (fundamentally, obviously if you're very overweight [like me] you can
fix that, same with the way you dress etc.) - has the biggest impact of all.

Moral of the story - real data trumps everything, even if that data makes you
realise you aren't entirely in control of the situation :)

------
sown
For me, it's not so much fear but more as resignation. I can how an interview
will end up within the first few minutes.

~~~
anamax
> I can how an interview will end up within the first few minutes.

Supposedly, that's also how long it takes the interviewer to decide.

------
buckwild
you don't need to get rejected on purpose to overcome fear.

------
rorrr
One great way of doing this is to interview for jobs that you think you're not
qualified enough for. I've gone to so many interviews over the years, that
after a while it doesn't matter if some company X doesn't take you. You just
stop worrying.

I have a couple of friends who never go to interviews, unless their skills
match the job description almost perfectly. They rob themselves of chances to
get more money, more experience.

"Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them." --
Shit My Dad Says

~~~
dustingetz
the value of interviewing for a job i'm underqualified for, even including
rejection practice and promotion potential, probably isn't worth the time and
effort.

~~~
nazgulnarsil
I think you overestimate the time and effort involved.

a 1% chance to earn 20k more a year and learn new skills along the way is
worth more than the $200/a few hours of my life a strict cost/benefit would
indicate.

