

Aaron Swartz, Suicide, Depression, Enough. - blahenough

I don't know how to start this.<p>Maybe a little background info. Early 30s, depressed for many years. Tried committing suicide once, thinking about it all the time.<p>January 11, 2013 was another normal day for me. Woke up hoping that I'll feel better that day which I did. Started my daily routine in my bed by checking twitter, reddit and this website. Both twitter and HN were full of Aaron's news. Sad.<p>Someone made a comment saying everyone should be careful because this news might trigger suicidal thoughts on people with depression. Like myself.<p>I miss those days that I couldn't put myself into shoes of a suicidal person. Many of you are lucky.<p>Yes, the news triggered a lot of things in my mind about disappearing. Yet, I tried to approach this in a positive way.<p>Even though it was only 3 days ago, I can not remember what those positive thoughts were. Sorry.<p>The only positive thing about the event that I can think of is... that... Aaron is in peace now. He found a permanent solution to his problems. And he is not suffering anymore.<p>My psychiatrist appointment is in 16 days. Sorry, 17. I'm going to start taking medicine again. I thought my depression was getting better and I was able to function like normal person again for awhile. I realized I was wrong so I tried making this appointment last month.<p>My old therapist gave the information of this psychiatrist. I don't want to search for a psychiatrist. You don't know how hard it is to do it. Finding psychiatrists, looking up online if they have good reviews, calling them on phone, telling your life story... on a phone... to a stranger... again... again... That's why I followed my old therapist's recommendation and got an appointment from this new psychiatrist. I had one bad experience with one psychiatrist and heard many bad stories from others. Nightmare.
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blahenough
Gotta love the passion of humans wanting to limit everything... Looking at you
HN "Please make text < 2000 characters."

I don't know where I'm going with this...

No, I am not blaming you guys saying oh you triggered my suicidal thoughts.
They were there. But you made me think about it for the past 3 days. Over and
over.

I am not against suicide. I believe that one can choose to end his/her life.
My body, my life. Yes, people will be sad after I'm gone, but hey I'm the one
suffering here, ok? Not you. You have no clue how I feel.

I wish society wasn't too conservative about suicide. I wish it wasn't almost
a taboo. I wish we spent more money on mental health research. I wish every
time I think about killing myself, I didn't have to think what would society
think after I die.

I don't know what the solution is. I stopped myself many times before writing
this. It is really selfish to ask for the stop of mentioning Aaron's death. At
least his death. But I do understand that the event has so much power that it
can change many broken things in this world... And it makes me cry.

I tried not reading twitter, reddit and HN (my most favorite things on the
internet) but that's all I have to distract myself, sorry.

I'm an introvert. I do NOT like talking on the phone. I can do it but it's a
torture for me.

I really, really don't understand why National Suicide Prevention Lifeline's
online chat line doesn't work. Even if you are not depressed, please try it
now and see how a big pain in the ass to use it.

For the lazy community let me summarize.

\- Go to <http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org> \- Click on "ARE YOU IN
CRISIS? Click to Chat" hoping that it'll be something as easy as omegle.com...
An anonymous instant chat. \- Get this page instead.
[http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.as...](http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx).
Text. Tons of text that I don't want to read. \- Confused brain with suicidal
thoughts doesn't understand that YOU FUCKING HAVE TO AGREE TO A TERMS OF
SERVICE!!!!!! I'm sorry about my language. America, you are broken. \-
Whatever, I need a professional help. Agree to the terms. \- Get a form with 7
fields, 6 of them are required.

Guys... Do you know why people pirate movies & games & apps?

Look at those steps to talk to someone. Look how many steps it is. And it is
not guarantied that they can help you. Look at this:

"Hours of Operation: 5 p.m. to 1 a.m. Monday-Friday (Eastern Standard Time)"

Phone support... 7/24...

Do I have to say committing suicide is easier than doing all of these?

Can you imagine how hard for an introvert to talk to someone about their
problems?

Same for psychiatrists, you have to talk to them on the phone. You cannot just
email them and get an appointment.

What's wrong with this world? Oh, I know. Everything.

------
kylemaxwell
Some of us know _exactly_ how hard it is to search for a psychiatrist. Many of
us, probably. Aaron didn't solve his problems, he sadly ran away - and that's
not in any way an indictment of him, but empathy.

Please see your doctor as you're intending. And I don't know you but if you
need a human to talk to, many of us - including myself - will happily listen
and be on your side.

------
baconhigh
hang in there.

You're doing the right things.

