
How to Win Friends and Influence People Summarized - blackswan
http://www.westegg.com/unmaintained/carnegie/win-friends.html
======
njl
If you do want to read "How to Win Friends and Influence People", try to get
an older version of it. It has been rewritten over and over by Carnegie's
successors, with more "relevant" but less interesting anecdotes. The original
is filled with fun anecdotes about turn-of-the-century robber barons. Good
stuff.

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nzmsv
The only thing I am not sure about in this book is the whole "a person's name
is the sweetest sound" thing. It is hard to use this piece of advice
correctly, and more often than not comes across as " I just read Carnegie's
book the other night". When I hear my name being used just for the sake of
throwing it in a sentence, I make a mental check of whether I am being
manipulated, and this is pretty much the only effect.

~~~
euroclydon
I wish _The Gulag Archipelago_ were search-able online somewhere. There is a
chapter where Solzhenitsyn is describing the attitude of the various ethnic
groups who occupy the same hell-hole prison that he is in. A prison where many
were confronted with the choice between licking others plates and starving to
death.

I can't remember if it was Croatians or whom, but he described a particular
group as being the nicest, most generous bunch of men, despite the fact they
were dying of hunger. He mentions that this one person would always address
him by his full name (including the patronymic) with the intent to show
respect and endearment.

I think this usage of a person's name embodies what Carnegie was trying to get
across.

[edit]

If you have children, try addressing them by their full name. It's the closest
thing to their actual personage that came come from your mouth, and it's a
pleasure to take the extra time to utter it because you love them so much.

I think the key is not to try to figure out where to sprinkle someone's name
into a sentence, but to figure out how to like them enough to want to use
their name.

[/edit]

~~~
blasdel
I thought having your parent enumerate out your middle name(s) was the classic
sign that you're in deep shit…

~~~
rjurney
Not in Russia, where first/patronymic is a proper formal address. Just good
manners. Very good manners under the circumstances.

I think this anecdote was in his short story, 'One Day in the Life of Ivan
Denisovich' if I'm not mistaken? And I think the plate lickers were the first
to die.

~~~
nzmsv
Yes, but when it's a parent talking to a little kid, the formal address can
mean one of two things:

a) they are being funny, in the "look at you being all grown up" sort of way;

b) the kid's in trouble.

Funny how some things are international that way :)

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zavulon
I used to be a big fan of this book, but every time I tried applying the
principles, I only did it in the 1-2 "insipired" weeks, right after reading or
re-reading the book. Then, as time passed, I gradually shifted into my old
habits.

I used to blame my weak willpower for a while for that - but now I think the
problem could be with the book itself. I feel the problem is that this book
focuses too much on the 'outside', the presentation layer, instead of the
'inside'. It's how to _act_ like you're a successful, popular person with lots
of friends, even if you're far from it on the inside.

Of course, many have noted that acting "as if" will eventually turn you into
that person, I think that's true only if you actively focus on that goal. The
book does not. It only occasionally pays lip service to "inner character" (ten
pages about smiling a lot... and in the end "oh by the way, you actually have
to be nice for this to work").

Having said that, I still think it's a very good book for many geeks who have
no idea about social norms at all, to provide as sort of tutorial on this
topic.

~~~
aneth
Sounds like you had a similar experience to mine. The book has powerful
concepts but is dangerous for the soul.

------
xsmasher
The title of this book always put me off - but I eventually picked it up and
I'm glad I did. It is not a book about how to be a jerk. The content is
excellent, despite the cheesy/manipulative sounding title. Available in
audiobook too.

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davidcuddeback
Much of the advice in this book can be explained by people wanting to feel
important. Doing anything that makes people feel less important (criticizing,
arguing, saying "you're wrong") doesn't help your situation. Doing anything
that makes people feel more important (give sincere appreciation, remember a
person's name, let others talk about themselves) likely will help your
situation.

I still recommend reading this book. You'll get a lot more out of it than you
will from summaries, because the book contains real-life examples that clarify
what each principle means and how it can be applied. If you're put off by the
title, remember that it was written in 1936. "Influence people," sounds very
manipulative today, but in the book it simply means "to be an influential
person." I think that's an important distinction to make, because the latter
is more relationship-oriented than the former.

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mcav
Good summary, though reading the actual book may make it easier to internalize
those principles. I figure that's similar to the 10,000-hour rule for becoming
an expert in a field: the more time you spend internalizing something, the
more likely you'll actually _use_ what you just read.

~~~
petercooper
That's true, but summaries like these are very useful in two cases:

1) People who've already read the book (like me). Keeping big books around is
a waste of space, but a list like this can bring the content of the book
flooding back.

2) People who aren't going to buy the book or think it sounds lame, but who
could be convinced by getting a taste of what it offers.

I'd certainly advise reading the book, but I think there's still a ton of
value in summaries like this.

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csallen
I find it depressing that the best way to get on someone's good side is a
combination of gratuitous flattery and ignoring their faults. Have you ever
noticed how much of our language is devoted to simply not offending people?

~~~
kyro
If you read the book, it specifically tells you to not resort to gratuitous
flattery and instead give genuine, meaningful, and honest praise. The book
also suggests you to point out people's faults in a more indirect and
encouraging manner, so as to incite a desire to improve rather than a doubt of
one's abilities.

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joshu
I've always wanted to build a site that does a tl;dr of advice books, since it
always feels like a few simple things plus a boatload of stories and blah blah
etc.

~~~
davidw
If you want a piece of <http://www.squeezedbooks.com> , you're welcome to it.
I'd love to hear your ideas about making it better.

Phillip Greenspun puts it rather nicely on a review of "Crossing the Chasm":
"This book illustrates a fault in the publishing industry. If you have a
50-page idea it is too long for a magazine. But it is too short for a book. So
if you wanted to get it distributed before the Web came along, you had to drop
in words until you reached 200 pages."

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zupatol
The book is a classic, its advice looks sensible, but I always found the title
dreadfully cynical.

Having a friend is something else than knowing someone you can influence. It
seems to me that finding real friends is much harder than applying this
sensible, but limited advice.

~~~
kelnos
As someone above hinted at, I think the title is more a product of the times.
When the book was written, "influence people" probably meant more like what
"be influential" or "be a trusted source" means today.

------
phugoid
Think of...

\- a few real people you like, and would like to know better

\- the most convincing people you know

\- the best leader you ever followed

How do those people fare alongside Carnegie's recipes for success? In my case,
I'd say "not too well".

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gyom
I read Dale Carnegie's book 4-5 times over because I enjoyed reading it.

It really backfired on me one time, though. I was staying in a hostel and some
guy was angry at me (it's not important why). I decided to go for the "take
the blame, and agree that it's your fault to disarm your opponent who expected
a fight". The angry guy really felt like I was patronizing and I didn't give a
shit about him, which just made him more angry. Oops.

I was convinced that my Carnegie verbal kung fu was better than that. I made
note and next time I'll argue briefly before conceding and moving on.

I also agree with someone in this thread who said that it's annoying when you
suspect that these techniques are being used on you. I have a friend who reads
those kinds of books and I regularly wonder if he is being genuine when he
asks my opinion about something.

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T_S_
I think these ideas are probably true in every era and culture, blackswan,
being based on universal truths about human nature. Applying them mechanically
I am sure you will agree is a terrific idea. Don't you?

Thanks for the post blackswan. Each of your posts is better than the last.
Even the ones I didn't understand why you posted, blackswan, not being of such
a high caliber as yourself. I have modded you up blackswan. Keep up the fine
work, blackswan.

Now I must be off to my Toastmasters meeting.

------
Ernestas
I recommend to read the book. Without reading it is hard to understand the
principles behind it. Book shows practical examples throughout and explains
how other person feels when each principle is applied.

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wisty
I'm not a big fan of HTWFAIP. It's basically "don't be a jerk". A lot of geeks
are good at that already, and could actually afford to be a bit more of a
jerk.

~~~
kunqiana
This is the problem, most people don't even know if they are being a jerk or
not. I thought I had good social skills until I read HTWFAIP. It made me
realize how socially inept I was. Turns out the main message in most social
intelligence books is the emphasis of empathy; it is actually a hard skill to
learn and one that's usually underestimated by the majority of people
especially geeks.

~~~
gcheong
Steve Blank had an interesting post about this:
<http://steveblank.com/2010/02/08/emulating-empathy/>

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covercash
I just listened to the audiobook and jotted down very similar notes on my
whiteboard. Thanks for sharing!

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algorias
There's only one way to make people like you, actually, or am I misreading
that sentence? ;)

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bh23ha
_Don't criticize, condemn or complain._ Certainly don't condemn, that's just
being a dick.

Be careful about criticising, will that really and I mean really help?

Complain? Trying to stay positive is good for your mental health. Never
complaining, not so much. Completely hiding your feelings is bad for one of
the most important things in life: Making a true and honest connection with
other people.

 _Give honest and sincere appreciation._ Or to put in a more general way, seek
honesty and communication.

 _Arouse in the other person an eager want._ Aha! This must be the secret to
influencing, but.. uhm... how do you do that exactly?

 _Become genuinely interested in other people._ Sure, again seek genuinely
human connections, that's a good thing.

 _Smile._ :)

 _Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most
important sound in any language._ Not for me, you can call me anything as long
as you're good to me. A great old guy completely screwed up my name once, to
the point of calling me a completely different name. By the time I realized he
was NOT talking to someone else, it was in front of company and I didn't want
to embarrass the old man. He kept calling a name which was 100% not my name,
but he was a great guy! I like that guy a lot. So yeah, what ever. It's not
about the name, it's about showing you care about someone, the name's just a
small part of that.

 _Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves._ In other
words, interrupting people is rude, and talking too much is also kind of a
dick move.

 _Talk in terms of the other person's interests._ Communicating with others is
honestly hard, it really is. One "trick" you can use is try and frame things
in a way the other person can understand, use metaphors invoking things they
like etc. As you communicate with someone the understanding between you and
them will grow and you can communicate more with less effort.

 _Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely._ Oh I bet that's
another secret, and how do you exactly and sincerely make people feel
important? All I can guess is listening and communicating without treating
them a like an inferior.

 _The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it._ Sure don't be
that guy that looooves arguments. Unless you're having dinner with Brits,
arguments are just damn good fun, it's bad if you can't hold your own! And
some, in fact often the most important arguments can NOT be avoided. In fact,
a pathological avoidance of arguments will in the long term NOT make you
popular. The above rule can be put more simply as: "Don't be a dick."

 _Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong"_
Don't be a dick.

 _If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically._ Be honest,
communicate, don't be afraid of failure or embarrassment.

 _Begin in a friendly way._ Don't be a dick.

 _Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately._ And how do you do that
exactly? Do you open with: Is the sun bright or what?

 _Let the other person do a great deal of the talking._ Don't be a dick.

 _Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers._ Or maybe you should
seek agreement, and try and make them see things your way and tell them how
their way of thinking inspired yours, and don't be a manipulative sociopath.

 _Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view._ Don't be
a dick. Be honest, communicate... I feel like I'm repeating myself.

 _Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires._ I am repeating
myself.

 _Appeal to the nobler motives._ Yes appeal to things which are good and
legal, not damaging and/or illegal things.

 _Dramatize your ideas._ Communicating with other is really hard. You can't
just dump a succinct thought in your head and expect everyone else to get it.

 _Throw down a challenge._ Or offer something that's fun. Just don't bring
people down and don't be a dick.

 _Begin with praise and honest appreciation._ Positivity, honest
communication, etc.

 _Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly._ Don't be a dick, but do be
honest and sincere. Don't be an obtuse prick, people do appreciate honest
communication.

 _Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person._ Don't be
a dick.

 _Ask questions instead of giving direct orders._ Use the Socratic method of
teaching. If you can that is. That shit ain't easy!

 _Let the other person save face._ Don't be a dick, and try not to embarrass
people.

 _Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in
your approbation and lavish in your praise._ You might not want to "make it
rain" with cash, but verbal recognition cost you nothing so the ROI is like
infinite.

 _Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to._ Yes, when most
people think you don't think much of them, they'll meet your expectations.

 _Use encouragement._ Didn't we just talk about that? _Make the fault seem
easy to correct._ Don't be a dick, be honest but positive and don't embarrass
people.

 _Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest._ The best you
can do is invest a lot of effort into honest communication and making the
other person feel respected and that you think of them highly. And then try to
tell them why what you suggest is important to you and try to communicate your
ideas as best as you can, dramatically, with things they are interested in,
etc.

And if that's not enough, you're screwed. But maybe they'll still do it. Just
don't be a dick or a sociopath.

Now recently I by accident (pointless small talk before a meeting) found out
my manager and I share a common interest. We've been talking about it often
because we enjoy talking about it.

And recently I also mentioned I wished one of the projects I'm on had him as a
manager, but I was also happy he was happy not be part of that cluster fuck.

Yet I've never red "How to Win Friends and Influence People" and I haven't
seen this website before today.

All I try to do is:

1\. Not be a dick.

2\. Be honest.

3\. Be positive.

3\. Avoid fear, embarrassment, false pride, etc.

------
aneth
This book is filled with great anecdotes and effective strategies. I've used a
lot of them, however there are some downsides.

1) By constantly making people feel good about themselves, you create a sense
of entitlement and pride which can be very difficult to work with when you
need them to stand down. There is a reason they tear you down before they
build you up in boot camp.

2) People who religiously practice this style of communication can seem
annoying and manipulative, even if they are successful and popular. When I've
followed the advice in this book completely, I've ended up feeling more
popular but also more alone.

I've found a sprinkled dose reality check can be a good thing for all
involved, particularly those you care most about.

~~~
petercooper
_I've ended up feeling more popular but also more alone._

Anecdotally, it seems to me that, on average, the most successful members of
our society are lonelier than the average - celebrities go on about it a lot.

Luckily, people are motivated by different things. Many people are glad to be
financially poor but well loved in their communities. Others prefer the
alternative. None of this is good or bad unless it feels so to you. Was
becoming more popular but distanced good to you? If not, I can certainly see
why you might want to tone down the charm :-)

~~~
aneth
I'm much happier with real mutually respectful relationships - the kind you
can't establish by acting like a politician. I find every time I play these
flattery games with long term relationships, it keeps things rolling, but
leaves a deep division.

This book is great for people who want to establish a network or run for
office. It also provides food for thought in more personal relationships, but
it's dangerous to act this way to real friends.

------
doron
"Lie, Cheat, Steal, and listen to heavy metal music."

or was that something else?

