
Forgiving: What, Why, How (A Practical and Theoretical Approach) - zackattack
http://www.zacharyburt.com/2010/05/forgiving-what-why-how-a-practical-and-theoretical-approach/
======
stretchwithme
good article.

I have extensive experience with this topic, having once held a grudge against
my dad for over 15 years.

My dad stopped living with us when I was 15 due to problems with my mom. He
still visited all the time and they actually got back together later.

And I understood all the circumstances, even back then. But for some reason, I
was very angry with him about it. And I was not alone; I have siblings that
are still angry with him now, over thirty years later.

It was very painful for both of us. Every time I'd go home, there'd be
constant tension. If he answered the phone when I called, I asked for Mom
right away.

I can't recall the catalyst but 10 or 15 years ago, I decided to let this
anger go. Things normalized and the tension evaporated. I even told my dad
that I loved him. We even started hugging.

I guess I realized that he was never going to do whatever it was I thought he
should to make up for his failures.

Ironically, it was only after this that we had conversations about why other
siblings were angry. I suggested that he apologize to them. And he did!

After this, he called me up and said that he realized that he had not
apologized to me and he did so.

I can't help but think that if I hadn't let this go, I would have never gotten
this apology.

Today, my dad is in a nursing home and slowly losing all ability to experience
the world. But he is at peace, finally, with what is happening and with me.
Something I never thought I'd see.

~~~
jacquesm
That's quite a story. My own dad died before we got around to that and it's
been bugging me for years.

Good to see it worked out for you and that there is a good end to it.

~~~
stretchwithme
Thanks.

I think the important thing is where you are.

Obviously it would have been great if you could have told him you forgave him.

But that doesn't mean you can't make peace with yourself. You probably did the
best you could.

------
aantix
On a side note, while I enjoy the hacker discussions at HN, I thoroughly enjoy
articles such as these that can contribute to my emotional health.

I have a tendency to get hung up on relationship issues (both with others and
how I treat myself) and through years of therapy, recent meditations, and
taking a vow to be emotionally transparent (I try never to lie about what my
thoughts are to anyone that asks regardless of possible repercussions), I
think I am healing slowly.. I've also made some recent breakthroughs with a
couple of books that I have read that have lead to improvements in my quality
of life.

As as my mental health improves I'm beginning to have intermittent days of
creative bursts. And I feel king of my own little world once again.

~~~
pilib
Would you mind sharing what books you've been reading ?

~~~
aantix
_Conscious Loving_ ( <http://amzn.to/cAzbRM> ) and _Undefended Love_ (
<http://amzn.to/c45k4L> ) have by far had the biggest impact on me. Personal
relationships are definitely my biggest challenge. Already one divorce. :(

Both books essentially have the same premise but explore it in different ways.
The theory that intimacy is born out of telling what CL calls "the microscopic
truth" where _all_ details are revealed.

"If you want a long-term relationship that's both close and creatively vital,
you have to become emotionally transparent. To go all the way to ultimate
closeness and full creative expression, you must eliminate all barriers to
speaking and hearing the truth about everything." -- Gay Hendricks

But the truth is not accusing. You state what is going on within you. You
describe your thoughts, feelings, your tensions, because that is what you own
and that is what you can accurately describe. Everything else is probably just
opinion or projection. Stating your feelings within is unarguable, it's your
truth.

But it goes so much deeper. They talk about exploring reoccuring patterns
where there is tension. I've noticed that everytime someone haltingly raises
their voice, my shoulders automatically tense up. I think this is a pattern I
learned very early on in my childhood from my dad screaming for no apparent
reason. I am only now beginning to see it unfold.

Facing and telling the truth takes courage.

I've told my girlfriend that I find other women attractive. I told my
girlfriend that I slept with someone else when we first started dating. In the
end I believe she respects me more for telling her. At least the emotional
"memory leak" has been cleaned up and I no longer have to suppress those
thoughts or conjure up lies surrounding those circumstances.

"5 Secrets to Lasting Love"
[http://web.archive.org/web/20080316082737/http://www.lifecha...](http://web.archive.org/web/20080316082737/http://www.lifechallenges.org/door/Gay_Hendricks.html)

------
jacquesm
What a really nice piece of writing Zachary, it took me a long time to read
because it's pretty complex and you've done a lot of background research on
the topic, but it was definitely worth the time.

Thanks!

------
cianestro
I agree. It is energy consuming to feel morally responsible for
everyone/everything but just the same can be said about being dismissive.
Irresponsibility for one's self makes this into a paradoxical binary choice.
Eradicate judgement and the need for forgiveness goes with it.

