

Ask HN: If you had to choose, would it be your startup or significant other? - bdclimber14

My relationship recently ended because of my startup life. The continuous work and mismatched schedules made it very hard. She never explicitly said "it's me or the startup" but it became apparent that things would never work with my startup lifestyle. Has anyone else faced this decision?
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tzs
If you have any doubt about this, resolve it before you have kids with your
significant other.

Your SO is (presumably) an adult who is in a voluntary relationship with you
and knew your personality before getting serious with you.

Kids, on the other hand, don't get to chose their parents. Don't make 'em
unless you've got the time and ability to be a parent to them.

~~~
bdclimber14
Thankfully kids are nowhere in the new future, startup or not. I agree though,
kids complicate matters.

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patio11
This is very related to a work/life balance discussion HN had recently:
<http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=2386235>

I had more to say, but it got long. Expect a blog post in future.

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fragholrok
If my SO couldn't deal with my startup life, I wouldn't wait for him to pack
his bags, I'd already be gone. He knows I love him fiercly, but somethings in
this world are worth fighting for - my hapiness being one of them.

Been married 5 years, and I regularly neglect my husband for side projects,
and he knows it :) It's never to the point where we never spend time together
but he understands where my head is at, and he supports me.

Those of us with a truly entrepreneurial spirit cannot run from who we are.
And to lie to oneself in order to save a relationship will not work in the
long run, because in the end, the truth will come out. If your SO can't deal
with your startup fever, then of course, try your best to compromise so that
you can still have both (if possible). But if you find yourself having to
choose between the two and you choose your SO, but your passion really lines
in your startup, how happy will you really be in that relationship?

Love is nice and all, but you have to be fuflilled in your life outside your
relationships. Don't get me wrong, work is not everything, and probably not
the most important thing to many ppl, but if your work drives you to wake up
in the morning, then that's saying something profound about your passions and
what makes you happy.

Someone who truly loves you, and understands you would never ask you to
choose, but they would also never stand in your way either. If that means you
can't be together, then that's something you just have to accept and learn
from.

~~~
bdclimber14
This is exactly how I feel, its nice to know someone can empathize with me.
It's very hard to explain this to a SO though.

~~~
fragholrok
I agree, it is very hard if you are trying to convince a SO that doesn't see
or understand the connection between your passions and well being. It's also
very difficult if your SO has already decided in his or her mind that it has
to be either or (them or the startup). It would be awesome if there was some
guide or handbook on this subject, but there is no easy answer to making your
SO understand.

It is possible to have both (your passion and your SO) if you can find a
balance that you and your SO can both live with, and maybe that's the easiest
way to help your SO understand...by including them in that process, and making
them feel like you guys are figuring it out together.

In the end though, there is only so much you can do/say to try and convince
someone who has already made up their mind that your logic is bs. At which
point you should probably let that person go, so they can take a dump on
someone else's dreams, lol.

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mishmash
After two failed startups, my fiance later wife has let's say "become very
wary" of new projects.

And that sucks. But, I wouldn't trade her (or our kids) for all the money in
the world so the choice is easy.

That said, I have two active projects and at the moment and I'm treading very,
very lightly with them. My plan is to remain stealth (from her) until/unless I
get traction and then that would put me in a better position to further
negotiate ala time commitments, etc. :)

~~~
bdclimber14
Well that gives a new perspective on stealthmode startup. I don't hide
projects, but I do secretly check my phone and answer emails when I'm with
her. I know it upsets her when I get my phone out when we're together, so I'll
save quick emails when I "go to the bathroom."

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vamsee
I had to choose, and though in retrospect it would've never worked long-term,
I still regret that I told her that my work is more important than her. The
relationship was never the same after that, and I wish I had the wits to hold
my tongue. Ah, some things, you learn the hard way :). My advice would be
this: let them choose. If you still like that person, just maintain that
stance.

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triviatise
During the .com days I worked day and night. I worked through christmas,
thanksgiving, new years and valentines day of 99 and 2000. I was engaged, but
between that and all the travel I had to do, my relationship didnt last. At
that time I made an explicit decision to sacrifice everything for work. These
days I wouldn't make that tradeoff but my wife also knows I can easily work 18
hour days for weeks (or travel) and is willing to deal with it because we have
a nice life (she doesn't have to work). Even when I don't work that much I'm
usually reading from the time I get home until I go to sleep so she is used to
not getting attention all the time.

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rdouble
Should be possible to do both. Mark Zuckerberg has had the same girlfriend for
7 years.

~~~
chalst
Fugazi: "Money lets the pieces fit where they fall"

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staunch
I'd choose my wife if I really had to. Fortunately I've been able to make it
work pretty well. I spend almost all my non-startup time with her, which is
why it works I think.

~~~
JoelPM
I like what you said, and it mirrors my experience. It comes down to what your
priorities are. In my case it's family, work, then other stuff. It's a lie to
believe that you can have/do it all, but it's generally true that you can
have/do the things that are really important to you. I don't ride motorcycles,
fly RC airplanes, or play guitar much anymore, but I'm okay with that because
they were lesser priorities than the top two.

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olegious
It all comes down to your values and what is important. Personally, I wouldn't
trade my girl for anything, but I'm the type that values family/relationship
above all else. If you get your happiness through your work, then focus on
your start-up. There is no right or wrong answer, it would be worse if you
felt pressured to choose your SO then have some ill feelings towards them
because you feel like they keep you from the things you truly enjoy.

------
code
It's an extremely tough spot to be in if your significant other isn't the type
who understands or is willing to put up with startup life (mostly the lack of
time for each other). While it can work, often it doesn't.

I've been down this road quite a few times. To me, it really is more of a
matter of asking is this person right for me if our lifestyle choices
conflict. So in essense, the startup almost always win.

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imasr
Relationships are hardly written in stone. Take the time to understand your
feelings and talk to you ex. If you can't get to an understanding then is
likely that the problems between you two go deeper than you think.

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nethsix
Finding someone you really like is not easy and may not happen again.

Pushing for more efficiency may help. Some tips:

1\. Rid as much of time-wasters as possible. Ditch your tv, game set, etc.
Avoid reading too much news, forums, etc.

2\. Be more time-conscious with your activities, i.e., don't stray. E.g.,
reading is good but be selective. I've seen some non-startup related topics
making getting so much upvotes even on Hacker News. E.g., debating to get
feedback is good but debating to win is not.

~~~
bdclimber14
I'm pretty good at 1. I haven't played a video game since high school and
don't have any TV channels. The worst part is my drug called HN.

~~~
nethsix
The maybe you can create a startup that revolves around your 'addiction'. Some
people successfully writes blogs for startup news such as HN, e.g.,
<http://blog.louisgray.com>.

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runjake
I regularly neglect my side projects for my wife & kids, so I guess my SO. I
don't regret a second of it, either.

It would probably be different if I were younger and just dating.

~~~
bdclimber14
Having a wife and kids is a big difference from a girlfriend. I am young and
just dating, but if I had a wife and kids, I'm sure they would come first.

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mesuvash
Well i think you need to adjust your routine. I think both startup and
relationship are equally important and you have to manage accordingly.
Relationship stands on top of understanding and i think you both should
understand each other. If your girl understands you and you do the same then i
dont think it wont be any problem.

Good luck.

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orijing
I don't want to sound cold, but _it depends on your SO and the startup_. If
your SO is someone you can't live without, then your decision is clear. If
your startup is going to make your life so much better, and it's your ultimate
passion, but your SO can't accept that, it's time to move on (from the
relationship).

~~~
bdclimber14
I don't think that's cold. Sometimes the startup is the thing in your life you
can't live without.

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mindfulbee
I haven't but I think everything has a reason. If you're really passionate
about this idea than keep pushing.

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mattcurry
Involve your SO in your startup and then you don't have to choose. They don't
have to be a co-founder, but maybe they brainstorm ideas with you or help with
customer support.

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milan_cvejic
The only right thing is to choose yourself.

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lvh
Startup.

~~~
motxilo
But, why? The OP would've posted a poll if he'd wanted one-word answers.

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haploid
This is a question that usually resolves itself.

If your SO went into a relationship with someone who he/she knew was extremely
passionate about building things, and they somehow expected this to "change",
they are delusional, dishonest, or both.

Did you really want to spend the rest of your life with a delusional,
dishonest, controlling individual anyway?

Yeah, didn't think so. In this event, you move on and find someone who doesn't
try to hamstring your dreams and crush your soul. They do exist, and your life
will be richer for it.

~~~
bdclimber14
I think your conclusion of a dishonest, delusional and controlling person may
be a little off, but I see what you're saying. When we first started dating, I
wasn't like this. Sure, I still hacked, worked hard and built things. But I
admit that I did change and started working more and being serious about the
startup lifestyle. I should also mention that we started dating when we were
still in college.

