

Dear HN: Please help me save my life - just4now

Long time user here, using a dummy account. I need your help, please. This is what happened to me and it's ruined my life.<p>A few weeks ago I went with my family to a forest for a walk. We were walking back through the forest to go home, but the rest of my family was walking very slowly, so I was a bit ahead and alone in the forest. What happened is I saw a person walk by me, an older guy. A few minuts later my family finally joined me and we walked a few more minutes to our car. What happened then is I got a thought "what if I killed the guy". This thought really started playing over and over in my head and I spent two weeks getting rid of it. I went to see a psychologist and she said this is OCD and I should start a therapy. I had OCD symptoms before - mostly "what if I hit someone with my car".<p>Two weeks after this I had an idea of going back to the forest and checking to see if I can remember anything or find a body - I know, it sounds crazy. So I went back there, went the route we took before and found nothing. I left the forest, drove home (apprx. 40 miles) and suddenly got the idea "what if I didn't look carefully. So I went back 40 miles, checked it out again and drove back towards home. Then, again, after apprx. 6 miles on my way home from the forest (I somehow remember when I turned the car around (6 miles) I got the thought to "check again" and went back again. So I checked and then went home for good. For the rest of the day I felt very nervous and kept thinking "what if something was there". The next day I had the urge to check it out again but didn't drive there. Then, another day passed and I kept thinking "what if I saw something red there - the old man I saw there was wearing red something" - but I don't remember seeing anything red there. So, then, another day passed and then this HORRIBLE thought came - what if I killed someone there when I went there for the second time and not the first time? I don't remember seeing anyone there. I went a few days ago to check the forest with my friend (since I don't trust myself alone anymore) and we couldn't find anything. My friend is sure it never happened. I felt ok then. But the next day I had this thought "what if I killed someone there and put their body in the trunk of the car and dropped it off somewhere so it wouldn't be in the forest?"- when I was there for the 2nd time I don't remember the place where I turned the car around after the 6 miles. And this thought has been killing me. I don't remember seeing anybody, killing anybody and putting a body in the trunk or putting someone out of the trunk. I am trying to find logical reason why this couldn't happen.<p>I am starting a therapy but I know the only thing that will help is finding some logical proof or reason why this couldn't happen. That's why I'm turning to technical HN users - is there any kind of technical aspect that would help me somehow reason with this? For instance: If I killed someone, there would be bruises on my body etc. or If I put someone in the trunk there would be something left etc...<p>Please help - I am lost and this seems like the end of the world to me..<p>I appreciate all your help - I really do.
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tempopo
Hey, I'm there with you man. Before I say anything, I agree with Michael,
continue to see your psychologist. Don't give up hope or think that your are
crazy. What you are experiencing can happen to anyone -- it happened to me and
one of my friends had lighter, but similar symptoms too. You can get through
this!

I don't know your situation, but something very similar happened to me when I
was under a lot of stress, away from my family and after several relationships
failures. My confidence level was so low and I think that was triggering the
whole situation. I didn't trust myself anymore. I didn't trust I was doing
simple things correctly. It's an extension to the problem "Did I really lock
the door?", but with much deeper and frightening questions such as "Did I
really avoid that cyclist or did I hit him without noticing?". Damn, I should
really go back to the "crime scene" and make sure everything is fine! Yes, I
did that and when I rationalized it I knew it was ridiculous, but the feeling
of doubt and stress was so strong I somehow had to go back and check it out. I
would look at my car for "proofs" of innocence like you. It could help a
little bit, but there was always a new scratch somewhere that could trigger
the doubts again. Back to square one. The thing is, you do not want to train
your mind to continue with this line of thoughts. Finding "proof" or going
back to the "scene" only adds confirmation that there is potentially a real
situation when we both know there isn't. It stimulates the brain, triggers
other questions, etc. You want to break the pattern _as soon as possible_. The
more you encourage your mind, the more questions, the more stress, the more
doubts you will feel. I will give you some tricks that helped me tremendously.

As soon as the symptoms appear, recognize them. Know what they are. Not
feelings of something real, but something your mind is creating.

As soon as doubts appear in your mind, try to dismiss them (I know this is
hard). Fight them. Never encourage them by looking for proof or going back.
What helped me: running a 5k asap or calling a friend, but more importantly
stop caring. I said to myself: You know what, you did your best. You drove the
best you could and if this "accident" really happened so be it. I didn't mean
to and I'll pay for the consequences. I know it didn't happen, but if it
really did so be it. I'll deal with whatever punishment. etc. You have to
train your brain not to worry. Not to care, because it's not real anyways (you
know it rationally, you have to use that to your advantage and train your
brain).

Also, always remember that if what you think happened _really_ happened you
would know. Yes, in addition to feeling guilt and stress, you would know
exactly how it happened. There would be memories. Sounds. Images. Odors.
Understand that it's totally impossible to kill someone without realizing it.
Impossible.

The sooner you stop encouraging your brain, the sooner the symptoms will
disappear. For me, at first it took a few days. Then a few hours. And know not
even a second. It's not instantaneous, but once you know the symptoms and act
on them they will disappear eventually. And at some point they will disappear
instantly.

Don't give up!

~~~
justlearning
"Know what they are. Not feelings of something real, but something your mind
is creating. ...You have to train your brain not to worry."

May I also add meditation.

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michael_dorfman
Please: continue to see your psychologist.

Take whatever meds she tells you to.

Ask her if there are any exercises (Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy, meditation,
etc.) that might help.

There is a difference between fantasies and memories. If you're having trouble
telling the difference, you're not likely to accept external verification in
the form of any logical/technical "proofs" we could propose.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck in your recovery.

~~~
thinkalone
Agreed. OP, please follow your psychologist's advice and be honest with them
about your obsessions. Mental health isn't about finding a secret key that
will "make you better" - it involves working through a treatment plan with a
trained professional.

Also, I recently watched this series on VH1 about OCD treatment that was quite
interesting, and may give you some insight into the experiences of people in
similar situations: <http://www.vh1.com/shows/the_ocd_project/series.jhtml>

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jacquesm
Wow, that's quite a story.

I remember once driving home 10 miles just to make sure I really did turn off
the stove but this is on a different scale altogether.

What could HN do for you other than to tell you to continue that therapy and
to take it serious ? This is already quite something and it could end up
interfering with your ability to lead a normal life.

Why the fascination with killing someone?

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chc
There's no way you could kill a physically capable person, dispose of the body
and dispose of the evidence in a few minutes without the very nearby people
noticing anything funny. A trained professional would find that challenging.

But my saying this won't help, because the problem was never that there was a
logical reason to believe you killed somebody. The problem is that your brain
is slightly broken when it comes to this subject, which can only be helped by
therapy. Trying to disprove it logically won't work, because that train of
thought goes through the currently-broken part of your mind. The sooner you
accept this fact and stop feeding the sickness, the better for you.

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gexla
You already know the answer. Get professional help (psychologist.) This is a
board where people can post anonymously. Assume that nobody here is qualified
to help you.

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just4now
Thank you all for responding - I really appreciate it.

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getonit
> I know the only thing that will help is finding some logical proof or reason
> why this couldn't happen

No, it won't - You thought the only thing that would put your mind at rest was
going back to check. It didn't work, and you then thought the only thing would
be to check again, and that didn't work either.

You are not in a position to judge what will work, and not realising that is
allowing you to keep looking for a quick fix. See this through with your
therapist - trust him/her completely. Whether you like it or not, the cold
facts state clearly that you cannot just make yourself 'see sense' - you need
the help the therapist offers.

Godd luck!

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maxawaytoolong
No offense if this is real, but I have a hard time believing this is not a
troll. It reads like one of Philip K. Dick's rejected short stories. Even if
it is real, I don't believe that HN is an appropriate forum. You should see a
therapist but maybe also send your story to Malcolm Gladwell or one of those
other essayists who write New Yorker articles about people with interesting
neuroses.

~~~
michael_dorfman
That's a remarkably uncharitable response.

I agree that asking HNers for psychological advice is not a great idea, and
that's why my advice was basically "Stick with your psychologist."

However: the symptoms described were not at all like a rejected PKD story, but
rather, were quite exemplary for OCD. The OP is obviously troubled; treating
him glibly ("send yourr story to Malcolm Gladwell...") when he is crying out
for help, even in the wrong place, just seems cruel.

