
Ask HN: Managing significant-other relationships as a startup founder. Advice? - ashortz26
I know HN is not the place for relationship advice, but I imagine I&#x27;m not the only founder who has struggle with the constant balancing act between &quot;what&#x27;s best for my relationship&quot; vs &quot;whats best for my business&quot; - because I find they are often at odds.<p>At the end of the day, what my girlfriend wants is to feel valued, important and like she comes first. I tell her she comes first, but in reality we both know that&#x27;s not true. The company comes first and the people I am responsible for as the CEO come first. She comes in at a close second, but in the words of Ricky Bobby &quot;if you&#x27;re not first, your last&quot; is how I imagine she feels about it at the end of the day.
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JohnFen
I need to preface this with a disclaimer -- my first serious startup (which
was very successful from a business point of view) cost me my marriage. The
reason was that I worked 16 hours a day, 7 days a week, for about 5 years.
Very few relationships can withstand that level of neglect.

So, my advice is coming from failure, not success. I can't claim that I know
how to do this right, but I've taken away some lessons from that failure, and
I have subsequently been able to start and run businesses without damaging my
relationships.

First, kudos to you for facing up to this issue right up front. That's more
important than you may think. And you're 100% right: your girlfriend -- like
literally everybody -- needs to feel valued and important. If you consider
that relationship to be important, she really does need to come first! Your
business should come second. Do not lose sight of that order of priority.

Your business should be the close second because taking care of your personal
life cannot be separated from taking care of your business. If your personal
life is struggling then that will inevitably have an adverse impact on your
performance at the startup. Also, it's very rare that the business actually
has to come first in terms of where you spend your time and energy (as in,
making it a close second is unlikely to make a meaningful difference to your
business -- but it is very likely to make a meaningful difference to your
significant other).

What I do these days is to prioritize a block of time that is exclusively to
be used with friends and family -- and especially my significant other. This
time doesn't have to be a large percentage, but it has to be inviolable. No
matter what else is happening, that time is devoted to my loved ones.

Carving out time for her and her alone (even if it's only an evening per week)
tangibly demonstrates that you value her and consider her important. I think
that you may also find that the more you demonstrate her importance to you
through action, the more she'll be willing to give to help you in your
business activities. You may be surprised at how much crap your significant
other is willing to put up with so long as she truly knows that she's more
important.

Also, (if this is a very serious relationship) she needs to be your partner in
your business activities just as with the rest of your life. Not necessarily
in a legal sense, but when business-related decisions have to be made that
will impact her, you should include her in the decision-making. Act as a team.
This will likely give her a greater sense of security.

In the end, try imagining what it would be like to be in her shoes. How would
you feel if she were the one in the startup and you were the one affected by
it? What would increase your comfort and happiness? How would you like her to
behave? The odds are that's pretty close to how she feels. And don't forget
that she'll be sacrificing things for you in this endeavor. Make sure that
those sacrifices are not a loss to her, but rather are an investment that
she'll get returns on.

EDIT: I feel I should add another thing... you should communicate fully,
honestly, and continually with her. Tell her what's happening with the
business. When things look dire (and they will), resist the urge to hide it
from her. When things are looking great (and they will), share that to the
same degree. When people have to guess what's going on, they will tend to
imagine things that are far worse than the reality -- so make sure she always
knows the reality.

~~~
ashortz26
John...wow. Thank you.

Responses like this, from people like you, who have been in similarly
difficult positions are what make the HN community so powerful.

I'm sorry to hear that your first marriage didn't work out, but if it's any
consolation, sharing this message and your story has the power to do a
tremendous amount of good for people. It already has for me.

In my opinion, I don't think there is enough discourse on this topic amongst
the startup community. Just as mental health was 10 years ago, I think this
difficulty in balancing personal relationships vs startups is something that
bubbles very close the surface for many founders, but is seldom talked about
outside of closed circles (if at all).

Regarding your comments specifically, basically everything you said hit home
for me. In particular, your point about including her in decision making and
treating her like a partner is really excellent. I think that that is a big
part of what I have been missing up to this point. I tell her she is my
partner and try to treat her us such, but then make business decisions
independently of her, which I thought was the right thing to do, but in fact
it likely actually undermines and corrodes her feelings of partnership.

Thanks again. I think what you just shared with me above would make for a
great essay that many others could benefit from. I worry the wisdom you've
shared here will be lost to the depth of HN, never to be seen by those (like
me) who need it.

\- Alan

~~~
JohnFen
I'm so glad that my meager words were of help to you.

I agree, this is an issue that we don't talk about nearly enough. I think this
is a very common problem, and hearing other people's experiences handling it,
both the good and the bad, can help everybody.

