
Ask HN: What can I do to improve social skills? - angleofatt
I am 29 yrs old, software engineer , work for a well known company. Sharing trait with other engineers I am extremely introverted.<p>I feel comfortable talking with colleagues and know few people. I want to improve my social skills but I have noticed that I just can&#x27;t initiate conversation with strangers. I bath twice, run 3k each day, smell nice sp hygiene is not a question.<p>End goal is to expand my network and connect with large number of people. I am not on Facebook or twitter but use LinkedIn. My goal is also to find a soul mate. Unfortunately I am still single and never had relationship.<p>What are tricks and tips that worked for you? How  did you come out of introvert personality ?<p>PS - I am also bald and now shave my head. Not sure if looks affect people&#x27;s judgement but I have noticed sometime people avoid talking to me altogether.
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pappyo
I hate to admit this, but reading the book "The Game: Penetrating the Secret
Society of Pickup Artists"[0][1] helped me. At one point, I too was an
introvert (right around your age as well) and reading the book gave me some
tips to help talk to women, and people in general.

Now, before others start piling on, this book is misogynistic and juvenile.
Most of the pick-up examples the author uses probably have a better success
rate with college co-eds than late 20 early 30's female working professionals.
But there are some good lessons you can extrapolate out of the swill of a
story:

1\. Outward appearance matters. Nobody wants to engage a slob.

2\. Self-Confidence matters. Eye contact, a smile, a positive outlook, etc.
You don't have to be a douche, but most people tend to gravitate to those with
self-confidence (even if the self-confidence is misplaced).

3\. The only way to get better at talking to people is by talking to people.
Networking and personal social interaction only gets easier with practice. So
the moral of this story is you will look like a fool in the beginning. Don't
take yourself too seriously, and keep in mind the failed social interactions
you have today will help you tomorrow.

And also, get the notion of finding your "soul mate" out of your head. Chances
are, the person you fall in love with won't check off the "soul mate" boxes
you've concocted. Date freely, give everyone a shot and keep an open mind.

Good luck.

[0]
[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Game:_Penetrating_the_Secre...](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Game:_Penetrating_the_Secret_Society_of_Pickup_Artists)

[1] I haven't read the book in over a decade, so there is a good chance a lot
of the material is dated. But I still stand by the lessons I learned from it.

Edit: General Clean Up

~~~
whalesalad
It's a bummer things like this need to be prefixed with "I hate to admit..."
That book did so much for me. Yes, it's modeled as a book on how to pick up
women... But it's SO much more!

~~~
joshkraemer
Reading the Mystery Method was a life changer for me, I recommend it to
everybody. Yes, it is so much more. Mystery himself said: "It's not about
picking up women - it's about building a life!"

------
rayalez
I highly recommend RSD.

[https://www.youtube.com/user/rsdfreetour](https://www.youtube.com/user/rsdfreetour)

[https://www.youtube.com/user/RSDTyler](https://www.youtube.com/user/RSDTyler)

There's stigma against pick up, but RSD stuff is really amazing, even if you
don't want to be a "pick up artist". Just watch a few videos.

Also - The Blueprint by Tyler. Really life-changing info there.

~~~
lastofus
> The Blueprint by Tyler. Really life-changing info there.

I also found this life changing. I often wish I knew how to recommend it to
others without having to explain its association to "pickup artists" and the
shitty behavior of others representing RSD that was in the news not too long
ago.

------
contingencies
Oh my god, these responses are terrible!

Try longer term travel (which forces you to communicate with a lot of people
from different cultures, and helps you to see your local social environment in
perspective), and drinking socially more regularly (alcohol is popular in
human cultures because it is an excellent and perhaps unrivaled facilitator of
conversation).

Being bald is fine, sheesh. Chill out. It sounds like you have low-level
social anxiety, which is extremely common in modern society (lots of people
could be viewed as essentially self-medicating - with many different
substances - to avoid this) and not something to worry about. Make sure you're
eating well: good food is cheap insurance, and you'll feel better to boot. Not
sure if you're on a coast or in SF, but you can try taking up a hobby like
sailing where you get time away from regular society, have an excuse to meet
new people, but also soak up some nature and get more exercise which naturally
improves mood and confidence. (A great boat is the Weta, with a huge community
in the US.) Remember, the only 'normal' people are the ones you don't know
very well. The soul mate thing happens for itself, you can't really go looking
for it. As long as you're out there and not stuck in front of a machine...

------
thelogos
Get your hormones level tested first, specifically testosterone.

I'm not sure what you're shooting for but self-help books don't really work.
It's like teaching a blind man to see.

Being social is much more about what -not- to say than what to say.

Some guys have low testosterone and struggle with chronic anxiety. It's nerve-
wracking talking to people in this state and you end up with a messed rhythm.

On the topic of talking to strangers, it's really important to not come off as
having an agenda.

It's too easy to make the mistake of coming off as needy (creepy is the
derogatory term that Millennials use) and it makes the other person feel
awkward or "embarrassed to be talking to this weird person".

There's a constant stream of physical cues that has to be processed real-time
during a conversation, it's not easy.

One mistake I see often is a person offering up too little or too much during
an interaction.

Someone offers a few words and they respond by showering this person with too
much attention.

Or, they barely respond at all, which comes off as anti-social and extremely
unlikeable. Not saying this is a good or bad thing, but a lot of intellectuals
act this way and that's OK if they don't care about everyone disliking them.

------
mylesk
Take an improv class.

Not sure where you're located, so I just yelped SF improv class for an
example:
[http://www.yelp.com/search?find_desc=improv+classes&find_loc...](http://www.yelp.com/search?find_desc=improv+classes&find_loc=San+Francisco%2C+CA)

Improv classes will help you develop self-confidence, and be ready to react
dynamically in uncertain situations, like social settings. Self-confidence is
really important, because if you want other people to like you you have to
like yourself first.

If you want to have specific actionable advice and a "playbook" of sorts for
initiating conversations, then some of the other suggestions about books are
probably worthwhile. And there's no shame in starting there! But I do hope you
progress beyond a formulaic approach to being social, and become genuinely
comfortable interacting with people. Improv can really help you do that.

Also really agree with Tomte - make small goals and try not to make big
expectations for any particular interaction. Satisfaction = Reality -
Expectations, so the lower your expectations the happier you'll be.

As a side note: not totally sure but it seems like English may not be your
first language. Socializing in a second language is harder, but it's very
possible! I know it can feel like you lose a lot of your personality and
ability to be quick-witted when you're struggling to understand someone or
find the right words. But, on the other hand, if you're not a native of the
country that makes you automatically interesting - you did different things
growing up and have different perspectives and things to offer. So get out
there and talk to people, and don't worry if it's hard or awkward at first
because they're strangers so who cares what they think of you. Just do it -
the more you do talk to people the better your English and social skills will
become.

Good luck!

~~~
angleofatt
Thank you. Yes, English is not my first language but I studied in English
whole life. Just curious, what made you think that its not my first language ?
Grammar, sentence construction ? I am ready to work on it.

------
a3n
The same way you would get better at programming: do the thing you want to
improve more than you do now. Be willing to suck and be uncomfortable, and
know that you'll get better through experience. Whatever activity you decide
to practice, it's just a vehicle and a detail.

Also recognize that there's nothing wrong with being an introvert, and nothing
wrong with having a smaller circle than some others. We're biased toward
extroverts because we're always aware of them, they're self advertising.

Certainly if you want more social connection, make that happen, but do it in a
way that you're comfortable with and that actually does you good. There's
never any need for you to be the life of the party, but it's great to enjoy
the party.

------
jqm
Practice smiling in the mirror. Sounds silly, but it helps.

I have found that facial expression is one of the main factors people use to
initially judge whether to approach or avoid. Go to the mall or a club. Watch
other "more social" people carefully. Watch how long they make eye contact
when passing a person. Watch how they hold their body. Watch what their face
says. Go home and practice making your face say that. Try to look happy. The
best way to do that of course is to feel happy.

Another thing I've found (some people might disagree and that's ok)... lots of
programming time can sometimes lead to grumpy face or sort of crazy face and
you have to work to offset this if you care about interaction.

------
big_paps
The most important thing is to be REALLY INTERESTED in other persons. Talking
to the other gender without real interest is boring and a waste of time for
both sides.

Besides that, BE INTERESTED in talking and expression itself. Start small. Set
goals for each day like: Today i try to smile to other people and look them in
the eyes and try to get 3 smiles back. the next day try to flatter 3 persons
etc..

BE INTERESTED in other things than your job. Start to paint or read literature
or whatever ... and you will start to have good conversations..

And be nice.

------
Tomte
Take dancing classes.

For ballroom dancing you already need to have a partner, more or less, so
maybe better look into Salsa. Or Swing dances from the thirties (Lindy Hop
etc.).

Don't go there with the goal of finding your "soul-mate". Actively resist that
and say to yourself that you will not obsess over any of the girls there.

Give yourself small quests: tonight I'm asking two different women to dance
with me. Tonight I'm going to strike up a conversation with at least three
people, at leadt one of which is male. Stuff like that.

------
tsax
Read this ([http://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/blog/how-to-make-
small-...](http://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/blog/how-to-make-small-talk-
and-advanced-social-skills/)) and watch this
([http://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/special/small-talk-
hack...](http://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/special/small-talk-hacks/)) and
read this ([http://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/blog/watch-me-tear-
down...](http://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/blog/watch-me-tear-down-
students-social-skills/)) and everything else that Ramit Sethi has ever
written and recorded about obtaining social skills. You won't regret it.

------
3lux
socialize :) go have fun, get outside, talk to people and listen too.

follow your interests - find a group of people who share the same ones. Ie. if
you like running.. join a running club.. you'll meet people for sure. Also, if
you work in the Bay Area.. have you thought about moving? I feel its very male
dominated and one-dimensional, .. move! and expand your horizons outside of
software. There is nothing wrong with being an introvert who likes their time
and spends time thinking. But, I bet you'll surprise yourself the day you do
meet your soul mate and how motivated you will be to do stuff, and bounce
between intro/extro-vert. Do animals have these terms? I don't believe in
putting ourselves in these boxes.

~~~
angleofatt
I am in the bay area, in fact moved 3 months back. I like running, hiking.
Where can I find these clubs to meet people ?

------
zhte415
OK, about being bald, and something for others too if they're worried about
it.

I am also bald - started to lose my hair at around 17 and pretty much bald
since 21. Just the top, of course, there is still some above my ears and neck
:) And yes I shave my head, of course, it feels great to shave and shower, and
go out feeling and smelling great.

It does not matter a bit. Not one single bit. If you think it does, then it
may, but when you know it doesn't, it doesn't.

Background: Grew up in London in the 1990s. Shaved-headedness was something
common and acceptable, it was fashionable [see David Beckham copying my
genetically inherited fashion choice], and suited those with male pattern
baldness in general.

Perhaps the need not to shave is fashionable today. Pity the guys not with no
beards, but that grow patchy, with some areas not 'bearded' that want to join
the bearded club but just look odd doing it. But people have had beards for
millennia. No pity, wear your oddly fitting beard if it suits you, as
generations have before.

Being bald is a blessing.

You have the chance to have a clean scalp (ever shaved a head of hair off a
person? Despite a seemingly beautiful, dandruff free mane, it conceals a 1/4
inch of manky, disgusting, peeling fluffy yet greasy yet powdery skin, only
revealed after taking off the hair and scrubbing the skin).

You get the chance to have a truly clean, invigorating, fresh shave, a feeling
orders of magnitude superior to washing your hair. This really boosts my
Wednesday mornings.

You get the chance to not worry about how your hair looks, because it is
always the same (but subtly different, for example if I have an important
meeting I make sure I shave my head 2 days before the meeting - my small
preference). This is a true blessing, as you get to focus on yourself and what
you say, not what your hair says (or tweak it slightly for interesting
results).

And to carry that forward, you get to look damn good done easy. You will look
formal in formal occasions, and social in social occasions. It is neutral,
there is no judgment.

If you feel some people avoid talking to you because of your hair, and that is
the sole reason, then they're missing something - literally.

Do use good sunscreen, and at best wear a hat when out in the sun or even
bright cloudy days. I prefer a dark green handkerchief fashioned into a
bandana (people with hair can't do that) and yes, I work in banking, and it is
perfectly acceptable.

~~~
endzone
whether the bald look works depends entirely on cranial and facial structure.
circleheads are pretty screwed

------
kenrikm
One thing I found that works.. When it doubt kiss the girl [1]

[1] Happly Married for 8 Years Now.

------
weishigoname
first I like to say, I am a introvert, too, and I am a software engineer, too,
I had a long time in the situation like you several years ago. I like tennis,
so I choose to play it regularly, longer I play, more confidence I found I
feel, and I met many people who have the same hobby, when I don't what to
start, I talk some tennis news, and they really love it, and I found I can
react dynamically after trying, and now, if I see some girl playing tennis, I
can get close, and talk, and ...., I hope it can help you.

------
evc123
You could try using [https://www.okcupid.com/](https://www.okcupid.com/) to
find a soulmate.

~~~
Kalium
Your heart is in the right place. You mean well, trying to provide a useful
site to a lonely, introverted, and insecure person.

That said, online dating is likely to backfire here. Online dating, for men,
tends to be soul-destroying for the insecure and introverted. The experience
requires the self-confidence to fail many times before encountering any amount
of success and the persistence to keep failing in the absence of any amount of
traction.

------
Chinmayh
I think you are me.

