
How to Stop Apologizing for My Stutter, and Other Important Lessons - samclemens
https://longreads.com/2017/08/04/how-to-stop-apologizing-for-my-stutter-and-other-important-lessons/
======
forthelove
Stutterer here. Was in speech therapy for a long time as a child; my sister
actually became a speech therapist b/c of that experience. It will always be a
challenge (I'm 37 now), and it seems to rear its ugly head at random times not
necessarily tied to stress. Two nights ago I made my first ever best man
speech in front of about 150+ people and I maybe stammered once during the 5
or so minutes. Felt amazing and I had people asking me if I was a standup
comic or spoke professionally. They have no clue the daily mental gymnastics I
perform to master the stuttering.

~~~
forthelove
I should note that I've had to give many, many, many presentations in many
different business environments (in front of my companies, pitching investors,
new biz pitches, etc.) and I learned a long time ago that confidence is
crucial. Almost every time I practiced the best man speech I stuttered quite
often, and almost on the same words every time. But come game time, it almost
always goes smoothly. Always found that a bit odd. Maybe I just get into sort
of flow states and just roll with it.

~~~
wahern
I've always wondered if a little alcohol would help here. But I'm so
habituated to avoiding these situations I haven't had the opportunity to
experiment.

When I am forced to speak to a room full of people it's usually spur of the
moment. If I know exactly what I'm talking about, I tend to talk too fast.
When I'm unsure of myself or how to phrase things, my stuttering is almost
completely debilitating even when I'm controlling my rate of speech. I figure
alcohol could help in both situations by keeping me relaxed and more focused.

~~~
floatrock
Alcohol makes it worse.

I've stuttered all my life and still do, far less noticeably now. I've largely
overcome it through mental will and practice. Speech therapy teaches you a
bunch of tricks and techniques, practice and repetition eventually makes them
second-nature. For me, it mostly came to becoming aware what your body is
doing during a block -- you're always aware you're having a block, it's harder
to notice the tension in specific muscles. Once you learn to recognize it, you
can back off for a sec, let the tension dissipate, then approach it again.
It's a terribly slow impatient process at first, but just like any skill, you
practice it and you get better at it. Eventually you float in and out of Flow
state.

It's definitely changed me... like any skill you practice, it makes you far
more disciplined. I feel I'm more patient. I do have scars, and it does
sometimes come back, but if I was able to largely overcome that through mental
effort and determination, a lot of other things feel far less daunting. Builds
a sense of resiliency and gumption.

But back to alcohol, it's not just your physical skills that get sloppy, it's
your mental skills too. I'll go out for a social drink, but sloppy drunk is
reserved only for kareoke. The it-doesn't-happen-while-singing bit is true.

------
nodesocket
I also have a stutter, and I've blogged about being a single founder with it
([https://justink.svbtle.com/being-a-founder-with-a-speech-
imp...](https://justink.svbtle.com/being-a-founder-with-a-speech-impediment)).
I've had a speech impediment since I was a kid. I was told I would grow out of
it. Still waiting for that to happen. :-)

I've noticed my stuttering has seasons/cycles of worse times, which seem to be
tied to stress or anxiety over important calls or meetings. My stuttering has
certainly been frustrating and frankly limiting as a founder, since my latest
company ([https://elasticbyte.net](https://elasticbyte.net)) requires more
person-to-person interactions (talking to clients and closing deals).

The singing technique (mysteriously don't stutter when singing), while it is
effective, does not work in a business setting. Darn!

~~~
southphillyman
Did you stutter during interviews? If so has it had any impact on whether or
not you could obtain employment?

The singing thing is interesting, off the top of my head I can think of a few
rappers who stutter but can clearly speak their lyrics in their songs. Maybe
it's less about the dynamics of singing and more about focus shifting to a low
anxiety activity?

~~~
TinyBig
Stutterer here. Answer to both questions in my case: Yes and yes. I had
potential employers just hang up the phone rather than wait for me to complete
a sentence. I was completely unable to find a job (any job) when I fished
undergrad with a 3.7 GPA in mechanical engineering. It was pretty scary at the
time; I was convinced I was going to starve.

~~~
nodesocket
I know this anxiety and disappointment. Knowing the answers, having the
information for potential investors or clients, and completely bombing. It is
frustrating indeed. I usually let people (investors, clients, etc) know
upfront that I have a stutter, definitely seems to help. I can't believe
somebody would just hang up on you though.

~~~
TinyBig
I can't believe it either. I wrote a post on how I eventually sorted myself
out: [http://eyeofthesquid.com/blog/2014/04/25/walking-the-
path/](http://eyeofthesquid.com/blog/2014/04/25/walking-the-path/)

~~~
nodesocket
You mention in your post that you found a good speech therapist. Can you
share? Were they local?

~~~
TinyBig
There is a link to the therapist, Tim Mackesey, in the post. He was local (in
Atlanta, GA). I saw him 14-15 years ago, not sure what his practice looks like
these days.

------
mcone
I'm also a stutterer. I wish I could share with you the overwhelming shame,
humiliation, and ostracism I experienced as a child in my classroom
environments. As a result I feel tremendous compassion for others with
physical and mental limitations. Speech therapy really helped me help myself,
but I still sometimes stutter.

~~~
rdtsc
I am a stutterer as well. Yeah I remember the constant humiliation and being
made fun of, the bullying. It often included teachers, extended family
members, and adults. My parents tried speech therapy, unfortunately, it was
the Soviet version, and in their typical irony, they had put the only
children's speech pathologist's office in my city, in a mental hospital. So to
get to the appointment I had to witness some scary behavior from some of
patients. Needless to say we had stopped going there after a while. I always
wondered who came up with that setup, someone had a very dark sense of humor.

------
Overtonwindow
From an engineering perspective, I wish more technologists researched the
intersection of speech and technology. For many who stutter there's a device
called the SpeechEasy which is marketed as something to improve fluency, and
reduce stuttering. Unfortunately for most it doesn't work, for those that it
does work the effect wears off, it costs well over $3,000 for the intro pocket
model, and typically not covered by insurance. What does it do? It creates an
echo of your voice in your ear. Literally just an echo; the coral effect if
you've ever seen The King's Speech. This device could be built off the shelf
at a MicroCenter for a couple of hundred dollars. There are all kinds of
technology for the disabled that is grossly overpriced, and I really wish
technologists investigated them more, and found ways to disrupt these
expensive devices.

~~~
sattoshi
Loopback microphone input on your smartphone, plug in earphones and you're
good to go!

How is that for disruption?

~~~
Overtonwindow
It doesn't exist. Why, I'm not sure. Would you create that app? Maybe make it
so that you can use a Bluetooth earpiece or earbuds with an inline mic? That
would be really awesome. If you created it and it worked just like the
SpeechEasy you could sell it for a few dollars and make good money. It could
be a way for potential users to test the effect in the real world before
spending $3k+ on the device.

I look forward to your progress!

~~~
vigliag
There are some already. Look for DAF or "delayed auditory feedback" on the
play store. It is also trivial to build one with web audio.

~~~
Overtonwindow
Nope. They absolutely cannot be delayed auditory feedback. That disrupts
speech. The device must reproduce the chorus effect. [0]

[0]
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xw_rVGUXgos](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xw_rVGUXgos)

~~~
vigliag
Some of those DAF apps can also apply pitch shifting (which is actually AAF).
Provided they work properly, they should be able to provide that choral
effect. I am no expert by the way, I've only toyed with those for a few
minutes.

------
hgl
I'm a stutter too. My condition is a bit special I think. When I'm alone, I
don't stutter at all if I think out loud or just read something on the screen,
every scary word turns into a piece of cake. But as soon as I realize someone
can hear me (even if it's remote like video chat), I start to stutter, pretty
badly. I wonder if other people are in the same camp.

I didn't stutter when I was kid until I played with a neighbor kid who did,
and it frightened me that I might stutter like him whenever I need to talk. As
time progresses, the frightening reinforced, and I never grew out of it. I
wonder if it qualifies as classical conditioning?

I also speak other languages, and the severity is different in different
languages.

~~~
vigliag
As a child I used to stutter when reading aloud to myself. Practicing by
reading whole books aloud helped a lot. Some books were more difficult than
others, especially those with really weird sentence structure, or really short
sentences, which used to get me out of the flow.

With practice, I stopped stuttering when reading aloud altogether, and then
even when reading to other people (family members first). Talking to people
however it's completely different matter, and it's still hard for me.

I think there's some common difficulty curve. For me, things that became easy
with time (even when I've stopped practicing by reading aloud) are, in order:
reading aloud to myself, talking with siblings and parents, reading aloud to
others, explaining technical matters to friends, talking to younger
colleagues, and lately talking to friends, even on the phone.

Talking to strangers is still difficult. I also find it gets harder the more
unexpected is what I'm trying to say (for example, saying "sorry, I couldn't
hear you, could you repeat that please?" instead of answering a question).

Partially related: there's a /r/Stutter subreddit (which I haven't opened in
years), if you want to read about some other people's experiences.

~~~
jansho
My stutter is minor but definitely rears its ugly head when I'm stressed.
Reading aloud also works for me, as well as singing and boisterous
conversations (!) I think that rather than confidence (at least for me) the
key is to keep the voice going and maintain a normal 'speed' throughout.

Regarding your strangers problem, honestly you're being too harsh to yourself.
You won't get judged for asking a question to be repeated!

~~~
vigliag
That's for sure a factor, and I should probably care less about judgement
(thanks) although I've mainly attributed my stuttering in those situations to
the fact I have to say something unexpected. Other examples are when I need to
correct myself (I get stuck in something like a loop of "actually no"), or
when I say I need to hang up and call back later. I also often find it
difficult to say "goodbye" to people without first acquiring eye contact, or
in general to say something to people while they are doing something else and
haven't noticed me approaching.

~~~
jansho
Sigh, yes I can relate to that. Others here mentioned that it's mental
gymnastics, and I would add that crucial to the strategy also is to develop a
thicker skin to protect yourself. Because the truth is, it'll always stay with
you, no matter how hard you try, so it's best to be content with getting
embarrassed now! And hey, that's how you learn anyway.

I used to hate answering phone calls. Then one day an admin from my team left
and suddenly I had to do customer services too. The first two days was just
awful, it's not even worth describing here. By third day, I had mapped out a
script to read out from (and my team weirded out). By third week, I'd known
the script by heart, and can comfortable say hello without any sweat patches.
And now I can take unknown phone calls civilly.

Practice and exposure definitely helps, with a dose of immunity to what others
think :)

------
munr
I've also got a stutter. Been aware of it since I was 11, and done a couple of
weeks in speech therapy around that time where I learned some tricks like
slowing down my speech, which has helped a lot over the years, especially as I
have a tendency to speak fast.

Growing up, I used to be absolutely terrified of answering the phone, though
fortunately, not so much anymore. I've been a remote employee for the past
couple of years though, with most of my interaction with co-workers being via
phone/email/IM, and there have been some moments when my words have got
completely stuck on morning stand-up calls or conference calls, which isn't a
pleasant feeling.

Equally terrifying was having to read out loud in class, which used to make me
break out in cold sweat, or having to introduce myself to people. Strangely
enough, I really enjoy reading to my kids nowadays and don't seem to stutter
much when doing so.

I've noticed that it usually comes out more when I'm tired or stressed, and on
those days, I try and stick to IM or email as much as possible to try and help
with communicating, rather than stumbling my way through phone calls.

Being from the UK, but living in the US for 11 years now, one of the things
that has helped is being forced to slow down my speech anyway as some people
and co-workers struggle with a strong British accent.

I'm more of a covert stutterer though, instead of overt, and I'd guess that
many of my colleagues don't even know the mental gymnastics involved to keep
it that way, using things like slow speech and word substitution.

One of the things that does still completely suck is social interactions and
coming across as awkward, because I always need to think about what I'm going
to say, instead of being able to rapidly speak and respond in free-flowing
conversation. I don't think that's something that will ever change.

Not sure if it's genetic as I've got a few family members who also stutter,
though one of my worries has been that my kids will inherit this gene from me.
Fortunately, my daughter seems to be a little chatterbox, though my son isn't
talking yet, so only time will tell.

------
southphillyman
"They are rooted in childhood—which is the only time stuttering can be
reversed. Once you’re an adult, there are only ways of hiding"

Don't think this is true. Bill Walton and Bill Withers both were in their 30s
before they stopped stuttering I believe.

~~~
wrinkl3
The problem with stuttering is that the condition is so broad and the cases
are so diverse that any generalization of that kind is bound to be incorrect.
So of course there'll be cases of stutters who managed to achieve complete
fluency in adulthood, as well as people who only began to stutter as adults.

------
40acres
I had a stutter growing up, it was terrible. Whenever I got noticed I just
froze up, I particularly remember one English teacher who knew I was bad at
public speaking yet repeatedly calling on me during class to read sections
(more than other kids).

I was terrified of going to high school with a stutter, I knew how cruel kids
could be, but out of nowhere my stutter disappeared. I never really looked at
to what phenomenon caused my stutter to go away but it was a huge weight off
my back.

~~~
rhapsodic
_> I had a stutter growing up, it was terrible. Whenever I got noticed I just
froze up, I particularly remember one English teacher who knew I was bad at
public speaking yet repeatedly calling on me during class to read sections
(more than other kids)._

It sounds like the English teacher had a sadistic streak.

~~~
40acres
She was definitely a mean one.I always felt she was picking on me.

~~~
smogcutter
Could also see it as a misguided attempt to help, like teaching someone to
swim by throwing them in the pool. Obviously I don't know your teacher, if you
say she was a mean one she was a mean one, but that's the charitable
interpretation.

I'm interested in what you (and other current/former stutterers) think the
right strategy in the classroom would be. On the one hand you don't want to
push a student into daily humiliations, it's cruel. On the other hand, life
will continue to require public speaking, and allowing a student to hide from
that is maybe doing them a disservice in the long run. What approaches from
teachers did/didn't work for you?

------
xupybd
I had a couple years Stuttering. Never figured out why, suspected it was
related to trying pot for about 6 months. Not really sure but it's the only
thing I could put it down to at the time. But boy, was that ever unpleasant.
It just slowly faded away over time. For those of you that have had to live
with this I really feel for you. There is the social side that's difficult but
I had not idea how frustrating it is when your speech just wont come out.
Seriously if you've never experienced this long term it's really hard to
express how uncomfortable this can make life.

But as for the social side, I think you'd be surprised how unfazed most of the
people you know will be by it. Sure sometimes they'll be flustered and get
annoyed but I don't think you need to be embarrassed by it the way most people
are.

------
rdtsc
I stutter. It's part of my life. I also speak 3 languages, 2 since childhood
and I've always wondered if multilingualism contributed to it.

Sometimes I do apologize for it, just because I feel embarrassed for the
people having to listen to it and don't want them to feel like I am having a
stroke.

Some coworkers and family members help me finish my sentences. It heard it
bothers other people who stutter, I'm ok with it.

------
rayzmundo
I am a Mcguire programme
[http://www.mcguireprogramme.com/en](http://www.mcguireprogramme.com/en)
graduate and it has totally transformed my life. From the quiet introvert
person I once was to a confident independent person.

