
Ask HN: How to accept that life is unfair? - twaway_grumpy
How do I become ok with life being unfair? What bothers me the most is my mortality; if it takes me x years longer to find love&#x2F;dream job&#x2F;etc. than other people, then that is x years I will never get back.
======
gerbilly
If you were born in a first wold country, with first wold living standards and
medical care, and your country is not at war, and none of your siblings or
parents died early deaths, then life is indeed unfair, just unfair _in your
favour._

I don't mean to minimize what you may be feeling, but we are too hung up on
fairness sometimes I think.

It's not whether it's fair, just whether you can be happy.

For example, can you be happy with a good enough job, or do you _need_ the
dream job?

------
anonuser123456
I think this quote from Mr Peanut butter speaks volumes to your problem.

"The universe is a cruel, uncaring void. The key to being happy isn't a search
for meaning. It's to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and
eventually, you'll be dead."

~~~
brogrammer2018
lol ok

------
alan_wade
Why do you think you need to be "okay" with life being unfair?

People who thought slavery wasn't fair found a way to end it, people who
weren't okay with dying of smallpox found a way to cure it, and made life a
little fairer. And there were a bunch of people who weren't okay with things
but couldn't do anything about it, so they didn't.

Some things are unfair for no reason and there's nothing we can do about them,
and it's not okay.

You don't have to warp your mind with convoluted philosophy to become okay
with things and "accept" life as it is. Life can be awesome and beautiful,
life can be shitty and painful. These things don't cancel each other out. You
can enjoy awesome things, you can hate and be angry at bad things. You and me
and everyone we love will die some day - there's nothing that can make it
okay. And yet sunsets are still beautiful and ice cream still tastes good.

You don't have be okay with bad things, you can hate/resent/fear them and
still enjoy the good things at the same time. These two are not mutually
exclusive. Fix what you can fix, endure and persevere through things that you
can't(because you have no choice), find as much joy as you can in the good
things.

\----

Also read "Obstacle is the Way" by Ryan Holiday - extremely well writen
summary of stoic philosophy, I'm sure you will find it very useful and
interesting.

~~~
brogrammer2018
> People who thought slavery wasn't fair found a way to end it

Ummm fact is slavery has not ended yet. Not sure what you mean?

~~~
justbaker
> People who thought slavery wasn't fair found a way to end it There are more
> slaves now than ever and most of them are children. How is that ended?

------
BLKNSLVR
I find the Desiderata to be good for helping to re-centre life priorities and
moods:

 _Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may
be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with
all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even
to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you
compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there
will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own
career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of
time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for
high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the
grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of
youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not
distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and
loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the
universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as
it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep
peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still
a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Desiderata by Max Ehrmann._

~~~
darnkavi
Thank you for posting this. This is such a meaningful poem.

------
davismwfl
Stop worrying about what you don't have and start enjoying what you do -- i.e.
life doesn't need to be fair for you to be happy. Enjoy everyday, find
happiness in who you are and what you do. If you are unhappy to many days in a
row change your behavior or change your environment, but don't be the person
that blames others or complains about being unhappy.

Money doesn't make you happier, it makes certain things easier, but
complicates things too. Dream jobs come and go, and you will personally
change, so what is a dream today can be a nightmare in a few years. The same
things can be said of love, some things are awesome, others mean compromise
and complications. If you aren't happy yourself, you won't make a good partner
to anyone either. Being unhappy or consistently negative is also why, many
times, people find others unattractive or unapproachable.

------
screye
The gamification of life has helped me a lot here.

In the game of life, happiness and enjoyment are the core goals.

Like any other game, the difficulty setting on which I play it should not make
a difference. Games can be enjoyable on easy, medium or hard difficulty. Just
that the effort-reward curve can be distributed a bit differently.

Both Money and Career Success are tangential to your life's fundamental goals.
You have to figure out what those are, and work towards them directly , rather
than use weak heuristics like money and standing.

Just like a game (say an RPG), the happiness comes from leveling up and
beating a competitive boss, rather than reaching endgame where you are rich
and king of the continent. Similarly, for me, it is working towards the next
achievable goal and making constant progress that give the most happiness.
When your happiness is tied only to your relative position yesterday, then
your absolute position (which is most influenced by unfairness) is
unimportant.

Despite huge imporvements in QOL over the last few centuries, afaik human
happiness had stayed constant.

If you decide to blame unfairness for your dissatisfaction with life, then no
amount of absolute gains will ever let you feel you have reached the point
where you make peace with it..

Like worldly phenomena, we are resigned to the tides, the day night cycle and
our mortality. Humans make peace with their existence knowing that we can't
control their routines.

Along the same line, unfairness in life is just as colossal a phenomenon. You
may not be able to work against it or stop it, so its just better to make
peace with it and work around it to achieve the aforementioned fundamental
goals.

~~~
JoeAltmaier
You and Diogenes should get along really well!

~~~
screye
Unsurprisingly, I am a claustrophile(?), a minimalist and love standing in
sunlight. Though I'd fancy myself as a tad bit more hygenic.

I have seen some personal examples of the Diogenes and Alexander story, where
(at least from appearances), the person with a balanced life and not many
accolades appeared to crack a smile, a lot more often than the every ambitious
over-achiever stuck in the rat race. (though, typical anecdotal caveats apply)

Some people don't let where they sit on the "unfairness" scale, affect their
happiness. Along those lines, I am a big fan of the $70k study [1]

_____

[1] Kahneman, D., & Deaton, A. (2010). High income improves evaluation of life
but not emotional well-being. Proceedings Of The National Academy Of Sciences,
107(38), 16489-16493. doi:10.1073/pnas.1011492107

------
htanirs
I think life is more uncertain than unfair, there are so many variables we do
not have control over. A small event can turn life upside down. Fairness is
subjective, what one means by fair could be shaped by the environment and how
we react to society.

We humans, generally look at people above us in terms of wealth / relationship
/ fame and think we are not fortunate enough. But there is significant number
of folks who can only dream of basic needs. For them we are the fortunate
ones.

Also the rich / celebrities / people who we envy, may not have perfect life.
They have their own problems. Maybe if we know them completely we may not envy
them as much. And they have their own yardstick for what is unfair.

What has worked for me, especially when I feel down, is counting the blessings
and being grateful for things I don't have to worry about. Life could be so
much more worse. From what I have seen, happiness does not seem to correlate
proportionally with wealth / relationship / fame.

IMO, looking at people below us might help to give a balanced perspective.
Hope we all find that elusive happiness within.

~~~
brogrammer2018
> But there is significant number of folks who can only dream of basic needs.
> For them we are the fortunate ones.

Not true. Your statement is an example of sour grapes:

"In an old fable by Aesop, a hungry fox noticed a bunch of juicy grapes
hanging from a vine. After several failed attempts to reach the grapes, the
fox gave up and insisted that he didn't want them anyway because they were
probably sour.

Nowadays when somebody expresses sour grapes, it means that they put down
something simply because they can't have it."

~~~
htanirs
I did not intend to mean it that way. I agree, we all need to aspire for
better life and sour grapes / self pity does not help.

My point is, there are good number of people living below poverty line.
Usually poverty has many friends like unemployment, violence, long term health
issues (sometimes terminal illness), self inflicted and external abuse. While
they also need to aspire to do better, they start their life with a bigger
handicap and hostile environment. They need higher amount of courage,
conviction and persistence to make things better.

Since the question was based on comparison, wanted to put it in context.

------
rl3
Just revel in overcoming the unfairness, embrace it. When life sticks a dagger
in your side, laugh in its face (or grimace) and prevail anyways.

None of that will erase the pain that stems from being behind your peers in
career or romantic pursuits. Speaking from experience, the latter cuts
unimaginably deep. You don't get that time back, but the time you do have
becomes immensely more valuable.

Many will say a comparison basis isn't healthy, but being highly competitive
by nature I haven't yet figured out how to avoid that. All I've described is a
rather effective coping mechanism; the pain will still exist, but one could
say pain is a fundamental part of living life in any real sense.

As an anecdote, I used to play a couple games competitively as a hobby. While
I was good, I only became an expert once I embraced two things: ridiculous
amounts of practice, and the unfairness of it all. Depending on the
matchmaking setup, you would be expected to defeat two or even three skilled
opponents. Lamenting how unfair it all is would get you nowhere, so the only
way forward was to embrace it.

------
Rooster61
My experience is that humans have an uncanny propensity to adjust to an
exceedingly wide range of circumstances in a way that boils whatever's going
on around them to a status quo; a behavioral homeostasis if you will.

Introduce a new boon to someones life, and in time their mind tends to take it
in stride and it becomes harder to register that the boon is still present.
The same happens with pitfalls. After a period, the initial shock goes away
and we subconsciously deal with the added negative aspect of our life.

One's overall outlook on life at any given point, then, requires an effort to
recognize the good things around them, and attempt to tune out the negatives.
How easy that is for any given individual varies. Some have naturally sunny
dispositions, while others are born curmudgeons.

At least this is what I have observed.

~~~
gerbilly
> My experience is that humans have an uncanny propensity to adjust to an
> exceedingly wide range of circumstances

There is research to back this up, see:

[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hedonic_treadmill](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hedonic_treadmill)

~~~
MuffinFlavored
How deep does that go though? If you lose a close loved one, how close to
"back to normal" are you 6 months, 12 months, 3 years, 6 years later? Is there
always that empty pit?

~~~
gerbilly
These are statistical results.

Of course some people are permanently diminished after losing a loved one,
others recover.

There are some exceptions to the findings. These conditions do cause
'permanent' reductions in most people's happiness levels:

1) Loss of a child.

2) A continual decline in one's health status.

------
kageneko
It's a bit simplistic, but this quote from Babylon 5 has resonated with me so
much:

I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought,
"Wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that
happen to us come because we actually deserve them?" So now I take great
comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe.

MARCUS COLE, "A Late Delivery from Avalon" (1996)

To be honest, it sometimes does get to me that if I had made different choices
or been in different situations, I might be richer/healthier/happier. Of
course, I might also be poorer/sicker/unhappier, too.

Most importantly, I also know that I wouldn't be /me/ anymore.

------
badpun
You're probably rather young? I had similar thoughts too in my twenties. Why
am I not more likeable, why don't I look better, why don't I <insert
insecurity>? I saw these insecurities as obstacles to the perfect life I had
envisioned for myself. What helped was living longer and observing that almost
no one is living my dream life and what's more, there's TONS of suffering in
this world, so all I all I have it pretty good. To accomplish this, I think it
was important to be exposed to lots of people, as they have served as data
points for what is realistic and what is a fantasy.

------
sudosteph
Have you read "Candide"? Voltaire wrote it as a satire on certain overly
optimistic and positive philosophical views. It's really short, and I thought
it held up great despite the age and translation. Douglas Adams' "Hitchikers
guide" series is another satire I can't recommend enough.

Life is as strange, terrifying experience that is often absurdly unfair for no
good reason at all. But it can also be kind of hilarious for the exact same
terrible reasons.

Develop your ability to see the humor in deeply dark and unfair situations.
They aren't going anywhere. You could try to convince yourself they aren't
there or that they aren't so bad with some religions/philosophies, or maybe
you'll convince yourself that you'll triumph in the end - but most likely you
will just end up angry, resentful, and not particularly well-liked as a
result. Humor though... that's something other people (and you) can work with.

~~~
ryderm
Cracking jokes at the unfairness as a way to swallow it is very different than
cracking jokes as a way to point out how unfair it is to others. I'm not
exactly sure which you mean, but it seems like the former, and that is
depressingly jaded.

I find the existential dread caused by acknowledging the unfairness a good
motivator to try to improve things. There will always be randomness, but life
doesn't have to be as deeply flawed as it is today

~~~
sudosteph
I think it's more that humor provides a great vehicle to commiserate with the
pain of others, and to explore our own pain semi-safely as well. It's almost
always pro-social expression, and is equally so whether it's directed at vain
rulers or fickle rolls as fate. It can indeed drive social change (and usually
with less violence than fear or anger), but that's not the only reason to
embrace humor.

The universe really is funny. It's absurd in so many ways, and the flaws are
so obvious, so persistent, and in such contrast with certain authentically
sublime experiences and emotions... Until death and pain are no longer
mandatory elements of human existence, it will indeed be deeply flawed.

------
xrd
Whenever you are not accepting it, just say out loud "I accept this." Practice
that, instead of the other things you are saying, and it will shift. I'm going
to do it as well. I fucking complain a ton and I believe it solidifies my
misery.

------
DyslexicAtheist
I am deeply pessimistic about life and the future of humanity. the idea that
tomorrow will be better because we can always solve it with technology. What
actually helped me a lot in order to see myself as an outsider and gain better
perspective was these books. Note they are incredibly dark and pessimistic and
none of this will ever be on a Ted talk.

Thomas Ligotti - THE CONSPIRACY AGAINST THE HUMAN RACE

Zapffe - The Last Messiah

also maybe you are not meant to work in the field you are in considering you
feel this way. if you listen to your heart and there is nothing that drives
you, why other doing it? Wouldn't it be better to first know where your
passion is?

------
TheAlchemist
I highly recommend this talk:
[https://www.ted.com/talks/isaac_lidsky_what_reality_are_you_...](https://www.ted.com/talks/isaac_lidsky_what_reality_are_you_creating_for_yourself)

And the book from the same guy, if you're interested.

While we are at great talks, listen to those two guys: Steve Jobs -
[https://www.ted.com/talks/steve_jobs_how_to_live_before_you_...](https://www.ted.com/talks/steve_jobs_how_to_live_before_you_die/discussion)
Rand Pausch -
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo)

There are great insights in all of those.

What strikes me in your question is the part "than other people". Seriously,
why do you care ? One should never, never, compare to anybody else - just try
to be the best 'you' that you can be.

~~~
qnsi
Whats the name of the guy presenting the TED? It returns error for me, when I
try to access

~~~
TheAlchemist
It's Isaac Lidsky.

------
amingilani
Understand that that's how life is but that doesn't mean you don't have
control over it. What motivates me is thinking about how many years I have
left, or how long I've spent and how much I've accomplished.

When I turned 25, I looked over my accomplishments and wondered if they were
enough to merit a quarter of a century. I decided they that while they were
satisfactory, I was not satisfied, and so I decided to rectify that before my
next milestone: 30.

I've already accomplished more than most of my family & friends at my age, but
for me that's a low bar. I want to put beat Jobs. If I shoot for the stars, at
least I'll shoot past the moon.

Ps- I know what the saying is, but seriously, I never understand why people
say it like that. The moon is closer than the stars!

~~~
ken
> What motivates me is thinking about how many years I have left

That's unknowable, and could be almost any number, including 0. Is that what
you meant?

~~~
amingilani
Yes, sorry. I should have elaborated — I wrote that on mobile. I like to think
that I can die at any point, and best case scenario, I'll die at 60.

Oh, with one exception — savings. I haven't saved enough yet, but when it
comes to savings, I pretend I'll live to be 150. 100 isn't an unthinkable age
in our lifetimes, and with medical advances, I don't want to take any chances.

------
phakding
>if it takes me x years longer to find love/dream job/etc. than other people,
then that is x years I will never get back

Sorry, but this doesn't make any sense to me. You will not get back any of the
time you spent doing anything. You sat on toilet for 2 mins longer than other
people everyday, then you spent months more than other people on toilet over
years of your life. This doesn't mean you are going to hurry up and get out of
the bathroom faster than you should.

You get what you get in your life. It's nothing to do with what you deserve or
what's fair.

If you stop believing in the all powerful entity that will make it fair for
everyone and start believing everything happens by a random chance, you would
be better off.

------
Regardsyjc
Life might not be fair but the only person who makes that meaningful is you.

"You will be what you will to be;

Let failure find its false content

In that poor word, "environment,"

But spirit scorns it, and is free.

It masters time, it conquers space;

It cows that boastful trickster, Chance,

And bids the tyrant Circumstance

Uncrown, and fill a servant's place.

The human Will, that force unseen,

The offspring of a deathless Soul,

Can hew a way to any goal,

Though walls of granite intervene.

Be not impatient in delay,

But wait as one who understands;

When spirit rises and commands,

The gods are ready to obey."

I highly recommend As a Man Thinketh by James Allen. Someone on HN recommended
it and it was wonderful. It's a very quick read, less than 50 pages.

Another one of my favorite quotes is, "Choose not to be harmed - and you won't
feel harmed. Don't feel harmed - and you haven't been... It can ruin your life
only if it ruins your character." \- Marcus Aurelius

------
sevilo
It’s not whether life is fair, it’s all about how you perceive things and it’s
a choice to be happy. It may sound cheesy but I see people living in misery
all the time, blaming everything and everyone else around them for their own
lack of successes, when they don’t even realize their life is so much better
than 90% of the world’s population. If you embrace more gratitude in your life
and start living with the mentality that if you don’t succeed, the only reason
is yourself and yourself only, I think you’ll find a lot more happiness and
success. I recommend writing down at least 3 things or people that you’re
grateful for before you go to bed every night.

------
WheelsAtLarge
Here's a friend's quote that enlighten my thinking.

Me: "Life can be so cruel."

Him: "Yes, that's why you have to make sure you make a difference for the
better where and whenever you can."

I try very hard to follow his quote every day. Change starts with us all.

------
true_tuna
That’s not unfair that’s random distribution of fortune. You make terms with
it by making the most of what you’ve got and being thankful for the good while
not letting the bad get you down.

------
mchannon
Many people derive meaning in their lives from trying to make it fair (or more
fair) for others.

Some see a burning house and ask why must it burn, while others reach for the
hose.

~~~
ken
That's a simplistic metaphor. What's the "hose" to put out unfairness?

------
blacksmith_tb
I'd suggest taking a look at Buddhism, one of its key insights is that you
cause yourself to suffer by wanting things to be different than they are.

~~~
jason_slack
I second this. Learning about Buddhism and practicing its concepts has really
helped me. I avoid spreading negative energy, I avoid getting angry, I spend
time each day meditating. It's not for everyone and it takes a lot of practice
not to get angry. But this is working for me.

------
naveen99
People lose love and jobs also, you could try to keep yours longer ? Also
there are other things to do with your time besides loving and working. There
is eating, sleeping, playing, learning, hacking, listening, singing, dancing,
teaching, traveling, meditating, tweeting, investing, leading.

------
yesenadam
So what would it take to make life _fair_ according to you? Living forever?
(Although I guess if you lived forever but no-one else did, that wouldn't be
much good either. But I don't think anyone can imagine living forever.)

~~~
2snakes
Consider that 25% of Christians and many people in India believe in
reincarnation.

~~~
yesenadam
I don't know what point you were trying to make. (It's easy to talk about
living forever, but to imagine it? I don't mean merely _a very long time_ but
_infinitely long_.)

~~~
2snakes
Yeah that is what reincarnation is about in part, taking on earthly form until
able to transcend snd live as pure spirit, forever.

------
aqw137
"If I could offer you only one tip for the future, Sunscreen would be it"

A lot of wisdom in a 5min song:

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTJ7AzBIJoI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTJ7AzBIJoI)

------
FearNotDaniel
[https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/173666.Radical_Acceptanc...](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/173666.Radical_Acceptance)

------
lucas_membrane
The good news is that you can probably reduce the unfairness, just not for
yourself.

------
andrewstuart
I'm just trying to be the best person I can be. What more can you do?

~~~
MuffinFlavored
What adversity has life shown you? What suffering has come your way?

~~~
andrewstuart
Enough.

------
schmidty
Read How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World

------
ryderm
Don't accept it, try to to change it!

------
croo
Journey before destination.

------
King-Aaron
Try your hand at some psychedelics in a safe environment and reassess your
position on the world.

Note: This advice may or may not be beneficial to your personal situation, as
per all comments on an internet forum. You may need to consult a professional
if you are having trouble.

------
pontifier
Longevity is the easy one... I signed up for Cryonics with ALCOR, and it was
one of the most freeing decisions I ever made.

Situational unfairness is a different story. I'm very bitter about the way
certain deals I've worked on have turned out for me. I feel that cheats,
insiders, and powermongers have gotten the upper hand in every deal I've been
involved in. I never seem to come out on top and it's getting ridiculous.

~~~
qnsi
Afaik cryonics dont work at the moment. I did some research while ago and I am
sympathetic to the efforts but sceptical

