

Ask HN: sick + not passionate, generally fucked up. thoughts? - thrwayss

I graduated from Stanford in 2005. Since then I have had a great run in founding a company, getting funded, and we are a profitable start-up with 11 employees. Our revenues are in the 11-12MM range and I own a very large percent of the company. I didn't really want to have a co-founder but I did recruit a friend early on with whom I built the product, but he owns 8% (not a lot), and other employees own 1% and some later employees own 0.5%. The VC that funded us is great friends with my dad(which helped, also my dad initially bankrolled some of the setup costs), and we were profitable before starting so it all worked out in my favor, and however selfish it may sound, we ran with good salaries after getting funded, and I had started alone, so I didn't want to split equally. Also my friend didn't mind as he was/is drawing a good salary.<p>I am a run of the mill person (financially secure childhood, went to a good school, went to a good college, and have a good company that is probably going to grow around 10-20% over every year) meaning that I never really felt that I decided anything for myself, and I guess I am having a midlife crisis? but really I am just sick of my life and I have no idea what I am doing. Over the last year or two I managed to take some extended 2-3 week long breaks because before that there was a lot to do, so I guess I tried remedying it using breaks where I would not be connected to tech and just go hang out at the beaches of south America. It definitely gives me a clear head, but I am unable to think and decide clearly.<p>Over the last year and a half I have thought a lot about killing myself and have decided that I am not brave enough to carry on with something like that, but I really have no passion and some of what Tony Hseish (Zappos Guy) talks about in Delivering Happiness (book) really resonates with me. But I have more problems. Also on the outside I think I appear extremely happy and perfect but I guess I am more insecure and have started having self-worth issues.<p>I had a really great &#38; happy childhood. Was bullied some in high school &#38; was also a bully (went to a boarding school and really it was part of life, and wasn't something major or life altering). I experimented a bit with my bisexual-ism with consent of-course but it was merely part of growing up in an all boys environment.  Anyway had a great college experience, blessed with 'good looks' genes, was in a popular fraternity, got laid a lot, and well experimented a lot with some random fantasies that I think I can somewhat attribute to an all boys boarding school upbringing. I don't drink much and have been smoking pot since 12 when I went to boarding school. I guess I turned out pretty well on the outside, but I think that I may be a rotten person. <i>I know this and yet I am unable to do anything about it</i>. I am generally not a good person I guess, I used to shoplift and still do on occasion, and  some years ago I figured that I may have kleptomania, but I haven't really been diagnosed with it. Also I have always cheated on tests/exams if possible. I am usually nice to people / girls but I haven't had a stable relationship ever despite having a sexual relationships with many. I possibly see a lot of myself in the max tucker? but I don't sound like a jerk or brag about stuff (despite of what i am doing here).<p>Growing up I had no idea what I wanted to be, I just knew that I wanted to be <i>extremely</i> rich, and have all the shebang that comes along with it. Now I have a company that is generating a significant amount of revenue and healthy profits too,  My parents were entrepreneurs and they are pretty wealthy but I wasn't aware of all that much at the point. I guess now I am not sure whether I want to be extremely wealthy (attainable in 7-9 years: 100MM, just an arbitrary figure I have, used to be much higher, but honestly that wasn't realistic) or just cash out now by trying to sell and settle for a lesser amount which would still be significant, plus hopefully inheritance later. This initial get rich scheme was fueled by all the "Sydney Sheldon's" that I read in high school and some other lewd literature, and at one point I seriously considered becoming a criminal. Growing up, 'The Godfather', 'Scarface', and of late 'American Gangster', 'Blow', 'Lord of War' have been my favorite movies. I have also read extensively about organized crime over the world.<p>Anyway I have these really sick fantasies which I also had as a child for some reason and I can't get the grip on how they started. Going to a small "rules enforced" all boys school and then being let loose on a college campus with good looking girls with whom I had little or no interaction growing up may have been a likely cause.&#60;p&#62;Anyways I guess I am just venting out to this community that I have been fortunate to learn about from about depression, and start-up stuff, and other random things. I shared some of my fantasies with a close friend like some months ago, and he said that he was disgusted and told me to see a therapist. Long story short, my first therapist was a female and we ended up having some adult fun, and then I went to see this other guy and he was like you should try and fulfill some of these and see how you feel after? so strike three, I went to this famous guy that wrote a book about hypnosis and has published papers about how that provides insight into childhood that may affect current behaviors and that also wasn't a really helpful session. The third guy did however say that I have a mild alternate personality. I don't want to go into much detail about what these feelings/fantasies are so as to not offend people, but just a fyi: they all involve adults and mostly female adults but are outright weird/ and to some extent sick and involve controlling? behavior and other dark stuff. I am sane enough to control these thoughts but there are times that my mind races and I enjoy having these thoughts and realizing in retrospect that they are not normal/acceptable/legal in some cases. Also, I fear that I might be slowly become the person that I am in my thoughts specially given the financial freedom that I am afforded by being lucky.<p>&#60;p&#62;Idk why I am putting up this rant, but it just feels to get it off my chest? and hopefully I can get some advice? Also I am mildly on a marijuana high so sorry if some of this sounds incomprehensible.<p>&#60;p&#62;temp email: xequalsxplusone@gmail.com / if you'd rather just email me. Thanks.
======
briggsbio
Preface: Just going to be blunt.

You don't have an "alternate personality" you're a borderline sociopath.

Lay off the pot, or save it for special occasions.

Search for meaning outside of your own flesh and your own wallet.

Get some religion.

Get a better shrink, and keep it in your pants.

Possibly most important, you need to disclose this to your board. Getting high
and posting something like this is a cry for help and action must be taken.

Maybe find a replacement, and take a sabbatical. Maybe rehab, maybe spend time
with your family, but you need a change of pace to reflect on how you want to
live te rest of your life.

Yes I was blunt. I've dealt with my own depression, shrinks, etc. Family
members with bipolar disorder. Watched a former CEO fall off the wagon and
derail a company. This is not something to shrug off.

------
antoinevg
It sounds like you are deeply unhappy and have been so for a very long time.

The fact that you are having disturbing thoughts, fantasies and emotions may
have more to do with your unhappiness than who you are as a person.

It may even be that they only reflect a fear that you will never give yourself
the chance to explore who you could become.

Something which was hard for me, personally, was reaching 30 and realizing
that the world was a much bigger place than the one I formed my goals in while
growing up.

What you do in the next 7-9 years is up to you.

It may be that it's easier for you to give yourself some time away from the
world of making money. It may be that it's easier for you to not make such a
big change and instead take on a lower-responsibility role. It may be that you
need to spend ten years touring the Himalayas before returning home to become
the next Steve Jobs. It may be that you manage to push on through your current
misery and realize you were always born to be a multi-billionaire like
Larry@oracle. It may be that you need to fall in love with a cute girl and/or
boy. It may be that joining the army and training to be a medic is your thing.
It may be that you need to go to India and meet your Guru. It may be that you
need to join the FBI and fight organized crime.

It could be anything because it's different for everyone.

The hardest part is having to learn how to be free without any examples we can
trust but our own.

------
Houston
If you're trolling, fuck you.

But, if not, my mom is a psychiatric nurse and currently works at a behavioral
health hospital & I would be more than willing to forward this message onto
her to get her opinion on whether what you're explaining can be diagnosable
and treated with pharmaceuticals.

As for the depression, I've been there. I just recently stopped taking Zoloft
for bouts of depression that I've had for most of my life, but didn't realize
until I finally hit rock bottom.

At the least, you should see a psychiatrist and request to be put on
antidepressants. However, there is a slight chance it may increase your
suicidal thoughts, so if you decide to go this route to quell the depression,
you will need to closely monitor your thoughts and contact your psychiatrist
if you feel like you want to kill yourself.

That being said, like I said before, I just recently stopped taking my
antidepressants. They helped pick me up, but I wouldn't be where I am today
(copywriter for a rapidly expanding Internet marketing company in Tempe, AZ)
if I didn't dive head first into something I was passionate about (i.e writing
foremost, and all things tech, second).

So, you should sit down and write down a list of all the things you like to
do. Make it comprehensive. Then go through it one-by-one and ask yourself
whether you could wake up every day happy to go into work to do whatever item
is on your list. Ask yourself whether you'd feel accomplished and good about
what you do. Put a check mark next to those you answer in the affirmative to
and then go through the check marked items and narrow it down until you find 1
to 2 things that you are super passionate about.

Once you find those, start mapping out a way to secure jobs in those areas.
Whatever you do... don't sit at home and seclude yourself. Seclusion, in my
book, will 100% lend itself to suicide if it continues for long enough.

Sorry for the long-winded response, but I've been in your position to an
extent and I have a friend who suffers from bipolar 2 and he hasn't sought
help and he continues to spiral downwards. If I can, I'd like to play some
part in helping you get back on your feet.

If you want to talk, hit me up at houston.barnettgearhart@gmail.com. I'll
respond whenever I get the chance.

------
gettinstarted
I really don't know where to start, so I'll jump right in. In reading your
post, I think you've hit the nail on the head; you're not happy. My advice is
to find a professional that can safely help you pursue happiness. Just out of
curiosity and a potential starting point, when was the last time you were
happy? Also, boarding school sounds like a significant and possibly traumatic
incident in your life (did you have mixed feelings about going to boarding
school?). I'll also throw out there that your sexual fantasies, so long as
they don't hurt another person and you have a willing participant aren't
bad...after all, to each their own. Remember, sex should be gratifying. If you
feel nothing or worse when you are done, or shortly thereafter, and are
escalating the behaviors to "feel something", you should probably stop the
acts and tell a professional.

With regard to your situation as a founder of a startup with employees and
investors, if you can't do the job or fear you can fly off the handle at any
time, you need to be an adult and do the right thing (which could be at a
great personal cost). That could mean selling your piece, bringing in someone
else, going on leave, whatever. But, you have taken several steps to reach out
on your own behalf and you should at least make the same attempts to safeguard
the money / livelihood of those who have helped you get where you are today.
That doesn't mean you have to tell them what's going on, but you still have to
take action.

My advice to you is figure out what makes you happy. It's way harder than it
sounds, so start small. Do you have a hobby that brings you joy? Something
from your childhood you haven't done in a long time, but made you happy back
then? Have you ever tried helping a complete stranger? Start doing 1 thing a
day until you find something that makes you feel better and run with that
(make sure whatever you try is positive).

I hope we see a post from you in the future that tells us how much better you
are doing. And remember, just because you've spent your whole life trying to
get to where you are, if it doesn't make you happy --you're better off making
a change.

------
johnny22
seems to be all "you , you , you". try doing something for somebody else for a
change. go volunteer. something to get your hands dirty.

and see another therapist.

that is, if you're not trolling.

~~~
thrwayss
i am not trolling. that is one of the reasons that i listed an email address
so that if anyone has a similar thought pattern, they can share it without
identifying with this post.

thanks. i have done stuff for others, but there is room for improvement
definitely.

~~~
johnny22
maybe you need to join the peace corp or similiar. that should help put it in
perspective.

you seem to have lost the novelty in everyday (for first worlders) things.
time for you to rediscover it.

