
Ask HN: Do you have a girlfriend? Is it good to have one? - Nib
I seem to be of the age everyone else works on making out with other people. And, a girl told me today that I&#x27;m a &quot;lot more of a nerd&quot;, and an unlikely to find a girl for the rest of my life.<p>That was quite hurting, but, I think programmers don&#x27;t usually have girlfriends, do they ? I mean, do you ? Does it distract you from your work ?
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phillc73
I'd quite like a girlfriend, but don't think my wife would appreciate it.

Your time will come, so don't let one nasty comment cloud your entire outlook.
Eventually someone will come along, possibly under the most unlikely
circumstances, and you'll make a connection. Relax and let it happen.

~~~
Jeremy1026
Dude, tell me about it! You take a second look at someone walking down the
street and the daggers come out. (Happily married, but damn sure not dead.)

------
csixty4
Been married twelve years & loving it. My wife is my friend, my lover, and my
gaming rival.

I wouldn't say she distracts me from my work. It's just that most of the time
I'd rather snuggle with her and watch TV or play a round of Innovation than
hack on code in my free time. Work time is work time, though. I work from
home, but I set boundaries.

If you're at the age where "everyone else works on making out with other
people", then know that everyone else is still figuring it out, too. It's ok.
Don't feel pressured to be in a relationship or think less of yourself if
you're single. Let relationships happen on their own and you'll be much
happier.

Also, don't try to find somebody to love; try to be someone people can fall in
love with. Be a good person, but not artificially good. Be friendly &
supportive. Find yourself and find your passions - this is the time in your
life to experiment with different hobbies, sports, and future careers. It's so
much easier to fail at something and get back up on your feet again when
you're young. Who knows, you may find theater or track to be more interesting
than computers and there's nothing wrong with making a living from either.

------
hkarthik
A lot of programmers tend to be late bloomers to the dating scene. While some
would see this as a negative, I actually see it as a positive. Dating can be a
major distraction at a crucial time in a young person's life when they are
getting an education, starting their careers, and beginning to build their
financial history.

I have seen friends and siblings in their 20s that expend a lot of time,
energy, and money on the dating scene with very little to show for it by the
time they reach their 30s.

Many of my programmer friends, on the other hand, settled down fairly quickly
(married their 1st or 2nd girlfriend) and could spend their formative years
honing their skills, education, and careers. Also they could set themselves up
better financially by paying down debts, acquiring assets, and saving for
their future. By the time they hit their 30s, their careers are taking off,
they have a very solid financial foundation, and they are on much better
footing for future endeavors.

~~~
wannano
I agree. I don't think we're mature enough at a young age for that kind of
commitment which often times ends in catastrophic drama and can put a toll on
your education/career/finances.

~~~
hkarthik
I think it depends on the individual as to whether you're ready for commitment
at a young age or not. Some are and many aren't.

The issue is that society sort of assumes you are ready for it regardless and
there's a lot of social pressure to date. Even if you're ill prepared for it,
and likely to lose a lot in the process.

You may be better off just sitting things out and focusing on something else,
but your friends and family members will label you an anti-social nerd (or
worse) because you opt out.

------
jgrahamc
_And, a girl told me today that I 'm a "lot more of a nerd", and an unlikely
to find a girl for the rest of my life._

That's a terrible thing for her to have said. Ignore that. It's just not true
that programmers don't have girlfriends/boyfriends/husbands/wives.

~~~
hcho
It comes across to me as her clumsy way of hitting on the OP. Ignoring might
not be the correct course of action.

~~~
MrDom
No, it isn't. I agree the nerd part should be ignored, but the sentence itself
is her way of saying she's not attracted to the OP, which he should pay
attention to. The OP should do what it is in his power to do and improve his
social skills with women. If the OP is interested in hearing more of my
opinion, he should email me (it's in my profile). I won't post it here because
I'll get downvoted into oblivion.

------
cafard
Girlfriends might distract you from your work if they sit in your office or
otherwise interrupt you at work. But plenty of noted programmers seem to have
been happily married or otherwise involved with the appropriate sex.

You are probably better off not meeting women in a context that is explicitly
social. Find an activity where meeting them is a side effect, not the main
point. Preferably this would be one where women are at least not outnumbered,
as they might in softball and so on. Volunteering might be good.

(Married more than 25 years.)

------
trcollinson
Reading this brought back some fantastic memories of my youth (that is
sarcasm, teenage and early 20's years were not fantastic when it came to
relationships). I am sorry someone would say something like that to you. Don't
let her get to you though! To cheer you up, here's a joke from my youth (it
will date me):

A lawyer, a doctor, and a programmer sit at a bar. The lawyer says, "Boys, you
need to try having a mistress! It is great. We do anything we want and my wife
never finds out!"

The Doctor looking shocked says, "Oh my no! There are so many problems with a
relationship like this. Diseases, mental and emotional stress. Stick to your
wife! That's the right way."

The programmer looks in his drink and with a knowing smile tells them both,
"The answer is, of course, to have both a wife and a mistress! Then you can
tell your mistress you are with your wife, and tell your wife you are with
your mistress, and have more time on the mainframe! The mainframe is always
less busy late at night anyway." [1]

I had a girlfriend! I was very happy when she said she would marry me. We are
celebrating our anniversary this weekend. We have 6 kids together. I code a
lot. I enjoy businesses. I play with my kids. I take my wife on dates. As
everyone else in the thread has said, don't worry about what this girl thinks!
You are the right young lady will find each other at the right time and
everything will work out just fine.

[1] For those that don't get the mainframe portion of the joke:
[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time-sharing](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time-
sharing)

------
daeghnao
Where I work, most of the staff have partners - girlfriends, boyfriends,
husbands, wives. Just because one girl can't see a girl like her or people she
knows being interested in you doesn't mean the end of the world. There are
lots of different kinds of people making the world go round. The more
different places you go, socialise, interact with people, the more you are
likely to meet someone who might be into you.

------
mcv
I'm married. Met my wife when I was 32. Didn't really have a lot of experience
with girls before that, but that didn't turn out to be much of a hindrance to
being the happily married father of two kids today.

Don't let social expectations and peer pressure push you into things you don't
want or are not yet ready for. While I certainly would have liked to have a
girlfriend when I was younger, I had no idea how to do go about that. Plenty
of female friends; that wasn't the issue, but no true "girlfriend". At least
one girl who otherwise liked me, mentioned that I was friend material rather
than dating material.

I now realize that I wasn't ready for it. Once I was ready for it (around
30-ish), I started dating, and soon found a woman who's way better than I
dared to hope for. Don't be afraid to be too late; there's plenty of time to
catch up later. (Though if you want kids, 30 is a good age to start catching
up.)

So do you need a girlfriend? Absolutely not. Is it nice to have one? If it's
the right one, absolutely! Still, I do sometimes miss my alone time.

------
Jeremy1026
No girlfriends for me, but I do have that one wife. Having a partner is great,
and not a distraction at all. She understands and respects that I work from
~9am to ~3pm, and that if I'm in my office outside of those hours, I'm
working. I could see some women being a bit more of a distraction, but you
just need to lay out your ground rules early on in the relationship to make
sure that they can be respected. (Don't sit down and say "these are the
rules...!")

While its true that you may be a big nerd, that's fine! Just have to find a
girl that will sit down for some Battlestar Gallactica, Firefly, and Doctor
Who with you. Who will help with your lego sets, and looks forward to a good
game of MTG. Feel free to sub-out things listed above that you don't like with
things that you do, and be willing to do the same for things she likes. You
don't need to overlap 100%, but having some interests in common is always
helpful.

~~~
GFischer
My soon-to-be wife does not play MTG (I do/did), but she definitely respects
my hobbies.

As long as you have some things in common, she doesn't have to be a huge nerd
or share all your interests :)

Also, reciprocate :) . If she sits down for some Battlestar Galactica, you can
stand a romantic comedy or two :)

------
Rooster61
If you are both at the age of working on "making out with other people", I can
assume you have quite a bit more living to do, and so does the girl. The funny
thing about the teenage/young adult situation is that it's very easy to make
broad, sweeping statements about the rest of someones life while having no
clue what you are talking about.

Think about this: That girl has no idea what the rest of your life will be
like, nor her own. It's very silly to make a comment like that. Programmers
have girlfriends/boyfriends just like any other profession.

And as for the distractions, yes, girlfriends at your age can be a definite
distraction. But that's part of the fun of teenage love. It is something new
to explore and experience, but not something that everyone has to do.

Don't sweat it. You'll find somebody.

------
codewritinfool
Pretty much the same thing others are saying. I've been married 17 years to a
beautiful woman and I'm very geeky. Carry on with your life, don't rush
things. Smile and say hello at every opportunity. It'll happen.

------
GFischer
How old are you? I did really badly with girls and women in general as a
teenager and young adult, but I started connecting more when I grew up more,
and my first stable relationship started at 29.

I think I was a bit slow to develop emotionally, and I did not know how to
relate to/interact with women (it sounds silly in retrospect, but it
happened).

I disagree a bit with the "relax and let it happen" advice, I think you have
to actively do some activities to meet with people more, etc. if you find
yourself not meeting girls.

Edit: almost all the programmers/nerds I know in my age range have wives or
girlfriends. Most didn't in their teens or early 20s.

~~~
Nib
I'm 14

~~~
GFischer
Ah, way too young to worry then :) . I wouldn't take what that girl told you
seriously.

As you might have seen from the replies, most programmers and nerds in general
end up with girlfriends or wives if that's what they want (most do). You'll
find your girl eventually :)

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pauleddie
That girl sounds like a horrible person who will probably end up alone herself
for being so damn shallow. People like that are great learning experiences on
the type of person you don't want to be.

Yes programmers do have girlfriends and yes they can be distracting and by god
that's a great thing to have! Moving from that point in life where you are
focused on just one self orientated thing to caring about another and growing
as a person is marvellous.

I constantly aim to find distractions from work, also known as having a life
:)

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phlyingpenguin
Agreed with the rest of the folks here. I'm assuming that you're in the age
range of high school, and I'm here to tell you that once high school is over
(and that can take a year or two into college/work), everybody has to figure
their own lives out and these labels do not matter. They don't matter now
either as long as you pay no attention to them. Just be sure to get out and be
social. You can't date a person you never meet!

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partisan
"programmers don't usually have girlfriends"

Uhhh, no.

Life is like taking a trip. It's way more fun when you have someone to enjoy
it with you. Your experience is enriched by their experience. That said, being
single has it's merits as well, which I am sure the married among us remember
a little too fondly and with rose colored glasses.

Go to meetups. Not with the intention of meeting someone, but to meet other
people and have fun. The rest will fall in place.

------
jasonkester
Talking to girls and negotiating salary are two things that us computer folk
are historically bad at. We're actually bad at lots of things, but these two
are unique in that rather than finding ways to get better at them, we instead
proclaim them to be Impossible Things For Computer Programmers To Learn and
refuse even attempt to get a little bit better at them.

This is really strange.

If you were bad at writing Objective-C code, but it was 2008 and knowing how
to write Objective-C code would let you answer "Yes" to any of those dozen
emails a week you were getting offering $150/hr to write Objective-C, what
would you do? Would you perhaps spend a few hours learning how to do it?

Now what if you were bad at negotiating? "No way. Negotiating is evil. They
should just pay everybody the same. That'd be fair."

Or dating? "No way. Talking to girls seems hard and scary. And I'd actually
have to walk over there and _talk_ to one of them."

But here's the thing. It's only hard because you've never done it. Go do some
of it and you'll find it's really not that bad.

------
philwelch
On my team of 8 at work, 2 are single and everyone else, including me, is
married. And I'm polyamorous so I also have a girlfriend.

If I stop to think about famous programmers, most of them are married too.
Except Stallman.

For me personally, I don't find it distracting at all, but rather very
enriching and motivating.

------
opless
Idiots say idiotic things. Mostly idiots who have low self esteem. So bear
that in mind when you interact with them.

Sure there's a subset of society that rejects those that are 'geeky' or
'nerdy', but that's fine. They'd probably annoy you in the long run anyway.

But everyone gets to be able to have relationships.

Yes, relationships can be distracting ... but that's not a reason to not have
one!

The only real requirement is self-confidence, work on building on that and
you'll find out that interesting people take notice! :-)

Have fun and good luck!

------
Xdes
Honestly women are more of a bother than a benefit. Part of maturing is
learning to reject nature for your own self interest. Women will use your
precious time for unproductive and impractical activities. They require
constant upkeep and they will try to shape you into their ideals (a lot more
of a nerd).

I do not need a woman to be happy. I do not need a woman to have children.
There are plenty of children in need of a parent already (even if that is a
single parent). Save for your own retirement and enjoy life.

------
AnotherMarc
Some good thoughts on here. Pretty graceless comment on her part. Without
having any context, my first guess is that it speaks more to her issues than
yours.

I've been married for over 20 years. Met my wife shortly after I finally
stopped working on making out with other people. If you're feeling pressure to
find someone, it might show. You can be a total nerd (I was/am, and same with
a lot of my friends). Just focus on being a decent, compassionate human being.
Good things will happen from there.

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KhalPanda
> I think programmers don't usually have girlfriends, do they ? I mean, do you
> ? Does it distract you from your work ?

That's just not true, on either count. And work is work - it's absolutely
normal for couples to have separate careers. Are bus drivers distracted from
their work by their girlfriends?

Unless of course you take your work home with you... but then I think you have
other issues. :-)

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nicholas73
Better to make a fool of yourself now, than to regret not having tried later.
Plus, if you don't try now, you will make a fool of yourself later anyway!

Everyone learns through mistakes. Understand this and you won't care what
others think.

------
davelnewton
* That was a terrible thing to say to a person. * There's no "usually".

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chrisbennet
I once told a friend who was single at the time: "You are _way_ too happy. We
need to get you a woman!"

------
ada1981
This chick wants to bang you and she has low self esteem.

------
MichaelCrawford
"No Woman No Cry".

Be patient, my son - your time will come.

I was quite the nerd when I was young, but much later became popular with
women.

