
How to learn to stop being constantly stressed under pressure as software eng? - epimetheus2
I am (senior) software engineer and I can tackle most of the problems easily (not trying to brag just underlying that it&#x27;s not really the case of being worried that I wont be able to perform next task, as its often in junior devs). I work 100% remotely but I&#x27;ve noticed that I am constantly stressed. I feel constant (big) pressure on me and the team from managment, to deliver new features, and usual.<p>Even taking vacation is strain, as we are distributed remote team, and I am already taking much less vacation as I would (peer pressure, and classical managment methods of &quot;we depend on you do do this until <i>unreasonable deadline</i>).<p>I have meaningful hobbies (including gym) and friends outside of work, but work is still major part of my life (which I guess is ok).<p>I feel most of this stress is very self inflicted, as there are not _real_ threaths (I work in niche field and can get a another job easily). I often work many hours on weekend, holidays, public holidays (I live in Europe), just because of this stress. I worry that maybe managment knows this and is manipulating me towards it.<p>I feel like &quot;not being stressed under pressure from peers&#x2F;managment&quot; is a skill that can be learned, and I&#x27;d like to learn it. How? Can you recomment some book or course?
I think many people pick this up naturally, but I am failing to do so, and I fear Im falling towards workoholism (including working long hours, on vacation, holidays...constantly checking slack, unable to work on my own project, unable to study because I feel guilt of not working on company&#x27;s stuff...).<p>We are small company (+-40people), with only few +-3 backend engineers (actually less than designers and product managers).<p>Thank you, any tips are appreciated.
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AnimalMuppet
It sounds like your management is pushing you to give more than it's
reasonable for you to give. You need to really understand that it's _more than
is reasonable_. (You yourself described it as "unreasonable deadline".)

And, based on that, you need to become comfortable saying "no" _without
feeling guilty_.

I mean, in a crunch, sure. For a couple of weeks, sure. For six months? That's
a management failure. It's not your fault, and _you can 't fix it_. You may be
able, by heroic effort, to temporarily prevent catastrophe, at great cost to
yourself. But it's actually OK to not do so. It is not reasonable for you to
pay the price for management's failures.

~~~
chrisbennet
"A lack of planning in your part, does not constitute and emergency on mine."

~~~
andrei_says_
Famous last words of someone who will be put on probation so they can be
fired.

On the other hand explaining why things take time, documenting change requests
and establishing solid trusting relationships can be very productive.

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kick
It sounds like you're under abusive management. If it's within your power, you
should probably start looking for a new job. If you want, you should use some
of those vacation days you have saved up to go on the job hunt.

~~~
epimetheus2
I would like to get stock options first, and I kind of like the engineering
part of the work. I also take great ownership for things I built. The job
would be perfect if I didnt feel so stressed out.

~~~
andrei_says_
Consider adding your own needs to “management.”

Your mind and body need rest, you have a need for social interactions with
friends and family, a need for at least 8h of sleep (see why we sleep) etc.

Your body is your ultimate manager because when at some point it says no,
you’re out of luck and choices. Respect that.

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sethammons
Others have said said it: learn to say no. However, tooling helps. Some will
not like this suggestion: look into scrum or kanban agile. A single backlog of
tasks and units of work. With scrum, you tell the business "we can do the
following stories/tasks in the next two weeks." It is on you and your team to
only commit (ie, say no) to work you can reasonably finish in that period.
This gives the opportunity to the business to give priority to things they
feel are important. If you find that you are over committing, commit to less
the following iteration. Understand that, as you said, it is unreasonable to
pull heroic hours. Stick to 36 to 44 hours a week. If work is not completed,
you alter the following iteration to do less.

Finally, a quote that I internalized as a kid: if you can do something about a
situation, do so and don't worry. If you cannot do something, then don't and
don't worry. Applied to this context, I would take that to mean you can put
limits in place and you shouldn't worry if that makes the business upset.

This is your life. Time lost with friends and family can never be gotten back.
Finding reasonable balance with work is paramount.

It is not just that easy. It requires work and discipline. I'm still working
on taking the same advice and not working crazy long hours. Fortunately, my
manager helps me here and says, "dude. It's late. Go home. Family time."

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m_ke
Dale Carnegie has a pretty good book about managing stress. It's called "How
to stop worrying and start living". Wikipedia has a summary of it here:
[https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Stop_Worrying_and_Sta...](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Stop_Worrying_and_Start_Living)

Main thing that is got from it was thinking about the worst possible outcome
of whatever is stressing you out and realizing that it's probably not as big
of a deal as you're making it out to be. The project deadlines set by your
management are made up and missing them won't be the end of the world, so you
should treat them that way. A website going down for an hour will also not
matter a day after it happens.

Do your best at work and learn to say no. If you're good at your job they will
respect your work, and if they don't there will be a lot of other companies
ready to hire you.

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karmakaze
I think this is one of the pitfalls of working remotely. It's hard to gauge
how your work is being received and similarly how managements requests are
being received.

Have you talked to management about this concern? I think the solution is more
about communicating expectations and consequences rather than something that
you should be fixing just on your side. At this rate, you will burn out, it
sounds like it's already starting. No one wants that to happen. They probably
need to hire more backend devs which is another discussion. You should also be
careful to distinguish what you interpret from requests from their intentions.
It's possible management has no idea that you're being overworked unless you
somehow let them know and they're just keep giving you work because you
perform so well. I wouldn't however call them blameless.

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cocoa19
A good therapist can help you manage stress levels and give you tools to
manage your particular situation.

Some tools are breathing techniques, learn how to communicate with management,
learn how to push back and learn why you aren't doing it now.

I'd urge you to consider it before something worse can happen (e.g. panic
attacks). Like you said, most of the times, the stress is self-inflicted.
Remember, health should be your number one priority.

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p0d
I am guessing back end work and dealing with performance issues is causing
stress? If this is the case fixing the back end team will help.

It also sounds like you are worrying too much about what management thinks.
They will let you know quick enough if you are a problem and let you go if the
business is suffering...irregardless of you being the special one :-)

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aliswe
Problem is that you don't have completely clear directives regarding what's
expected of you, and you therefore infer those expectations by some kind of
subjective (and perhaps subconcious) reasoning.

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probinso
The lowest impact solution will be to start and end your days earlier (7-3 is
a common bounds) next is to lobby for a 9/80 schedule and don't do overtime.

9/80 can change your life, barely felt burnout when was on a 9/80

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yellow_lead
Had to look this up.

> _" 9/80s work schedule" is a compressed work schedule which consists of
> eight 9-hour days, one 8-hour day, and one day off in a 2-week period._

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1f60c
Hi,

You should add "Ask HN:" to your title, like so:

    
    
      Ask HN: How to learn to stop being constantly stressed under pressure as software eng?
    

That way, it's clear that you are asking something, and it will also appear on
the "ask" tab.

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AnimalMuppet
I think it shows up in the "ask" tab based on not having a URL in the
submission. At least, there are entries in there that do not begin with "Ask
HN".

I agree that it is customary, and helpful.

