
Ask HN: Parents of HN, what are your best sources for evidence-based parenting? - kqr
I am having my first child a few months from now, and am looking for all sorts of perspectives. I am told things will never be the way I picture it in my head anyway, so there&#x27;s no use in preparing. But still, it&#x27;d be nice to have some clue about what we know and what we don&#x27;t.
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tlb
Beware the risk of looking for evidence-based parenting advice: it tends to
focus on effects that are measurable and small. It's unethical to research
parenting strategies with large effects. So you'll find lots of studies about
what kind of music stimulates developing brains, but you won't find a recent,
randomized controlled trial that says whether it's bad to constantly fight in
front of the kids. (It is, I assert without evidence.)

So don't lose sight of the basics, like ensuring secure attachment.

~~~
kqr
Definitely a good point. My trouble in filtering out the small nonsense from
the actually meaningful stuff is part of the reason I wanted to ask this in
the first place.

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cynusx
There's some chapters on emotional development in the book emotional
intelligence that's a summary of social sciences.

It's about nurturing empathy and socializing behaviour. There's also some
materials on how to counter natural anxiety (new foods/new people/new
experiences) by forcing controlled exposure.

From my own experience having a child with my wife (an engineer as well)
reading up on all the materials. Having and maintaining a trust-bond with your
child is the most important, especially when you realize there is lots of bad
advice out there related to baby sleep.

Essentially, the first 6 months your baby is too "stupid" to cry for nothing
but basic needs like:

1/ too warm

2/ too cold

3/ hungry

4/ thirsty

5/ tired (need sleep)

6/ oversensitive (too much light/noise)

7/ wet diapers

8/ pain (sickness/teething/diaper rash)

Afterwards she/he can start to get into habits like waking up for some
breastmilk while it's possible to go without. But babies are pretty flexible
and can adopt a new routine within 3 days of enforcing that routine.

~~~
michaelbuckbee
I really like this advice, we'd often get frustrated with the crying and
remind ourselves to "go through the checklist" and more often than not it was
one of the basic needs you mentioned that needed attending to.

~~~
matt_the_bass
I found that the cries were very quickly pretty distinct about what was the
source of the problem. Even 3 month olds communicate if you listen.

~~~
kqr
This thread repeats advice I've heard a few times before, but in a good way.
It definitely sounds like the type of advice that bears repetition.

~~~
someonenice
Your comment history suggests you are a bot ?

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Mattc007
I’m currently reading Cribsheet: A Data-Driven Guide to Better, More Relaxed
Parenting, from Birth to Preschool by Emily Oster.

It tackles the common questions involving infants and toddlers through
analysis of research in those areas.

~~~
bearcobra
Even as a non-parent her work is fascinating. I really enjoyed her interview
on the Ezra Klein podcast ([https://www.vox.com/ezra-klein-show-
podcast](https://www.vox.com/ezra-klein-show-podcast))

~~~
naedish
In case anyone else has trouble finding the podcast episode in question this
should be a direct link -
[https://megaphone.link/VMP1678725500](https://megaphone.link/VMP1678725500)

------
projectileboy
One book I recommend is “How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen, and How to
Listen So Your Kids Will Talk”. Beyond this and some others, one thing I would
not get overly hung up on is “evidence based”. I say that because you’re not
raising an average of all children; you’re raising an individual child who may
(or may not) be an outlier in all kinds of different respects.

~~~
retreatguru
This book is dated but excellent. It basically teaches us to have empathy for
our child’s state of mind and feelings. This empathy is hard to generate
sometimes but I’ve found it to be the most effective way to parent. Ironically
this is true of all human interaction: empathy is hard but is so powerful.

------
godot
I have a 14-month-old now and my wife and I read a ton of articles on raising
children and how to best teach them, talk to them etc.

What I have realized in the past 14 months is that, at least during this first
year, every problem you'll encounter (which there is a LOT) is going to be
about physical things, not "how to raise your children", and boy were we
vastly under-prepared. There's your usual hungry/too warm/too cold/wet diaper
stuff. Then there's stuff that comes up like diaper rash, eczema, constipation
/ digestive system development, colic, teething pain... and a long list of
more things that could happen but I don't know about because it didn't happen
to our baby but just as likely to happen to any other baby.

My advice would be, read more about those. You can worry about how to raise
your children later. My advice to friends who have had babies after us is
that, you usually see the cute baby pictures on FB and read articles about how
to raise your children; but what no one tells you is that 95% of your life in
those first months is about feeding your baby, changing diapers, trying (and
failing) to put baby to sleep, washing bottles (if bottle fed). But then
again, what do I know, I have a 14-month-old, so maybe I'm wrong and I'll bang
my head on the wall when she's 7 years old. :)

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amerkhalid
Congratulations!!

I got 21 months old and I read/skimmed through pretty much everything popular
and did almost everything by books. Sometimes, I followed advices in the books
and got different results, it made me feel a bit of failure. Of course, I
understand that every child is different and parenting science is in infancy
right now. But at some subconscious level, maybe I thought parenting is like
programming and one can easily control output with their code.

So be careful putting too much faith in these book even if they are evidence-
based. At same time, I am surprised to see so many people recommending against
reading up on parenting. Sure you will learn a lot of things from your parents
and some of things that you will read in books might be common sense, but
there will many new things you will learn. And some of common sense ideas are
not even correct.

These books/blogs helped me being better father & husband, and also helped me
deal with a lot of stress. "Let them Eat Dirt" helped me relax about being
dirty.

"Brain Rules for Babies" helped me relax about not trying to teach my son all
the time.

"What to Expect First Year" had a lot of useful tips. I didn't know that one
should not microwave in plastic containers. And definitely don't microwave
milk.

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davidklemke
This is an Australian site but it's an evidence based, government funded
initiative for new and upcoming parents like yourself:
[https://raisingchildren.net.au/](https://raisingchildren.net.au/)

As a recently new father myself I've found it incredibly valuable. There's so
much noise out there and it's great to have a solid starting point which you
can then branch out from if you need to.

~~~
kqr
That looks like a good and useful initiative. Will take a look!

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ropable
God, I only wish that my parenting could have been evidence-based. We found
that there was so much variation between our two kids that it was hard to
apply practice from one to the next. Forcing a consistent routine helped us
get into through-the-night sleeping relatively quickly for both of them, but
that's about all I can think of.

~~~
mikekchar
My parents tried evidence-based parenting on me. Granted it was 50 years ago,
but whatever the science seemed to be saying at the time... In the end, they
abandoned the idea completely for my brother as the evidence they collected
with me appeared to support the theory that their previous attempt was
completely misguided ;-)

Parenting is hard.

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opwieurposiu
We read lots of books, but the most useful thing we got by word of mouth.
"Elimination communication" basically you teach baby to poop when you hold
them over the toilet or sink. You can sing a little pooping song or make
grunting noises as a queue. This eliminates diaper rash and is much easier to
clean up then a poopy diaper. It also makes potty training easier when you get
there down the line. You can start very early, 1 month old is fine.

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desas
There isn't anything macro, people are too complex. As a parent you are just
one variable, one influence. Plenty of people will say otherwise and give you
advice whether you want it or not. Some of it will be good advice.

My advice is to pay attention to your child, ensure they know that they're
loved, imbue them with a love of learning and teach them to be resilient.

The details are for you and your child to figure out but in my view reading
together is key to a lot of good.

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johnny313
I have three kids: 4,6, and 8. We read a lot of books when our oldest was
born...and learned that most advice is not based on much. Each of our kids is
very different, stratiges that worked well with one failed completely with
another. We have consistently adapted our approach with a focus on maintaining
trust and teaching our "family rule" to be kind to yourself and others. It's
hard work.

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schwartzworld
I don't buy into most parenting books, but after we accidentally taught our
first to need her hand held for an hour to fall asleep, we realized we needed
to do something different for the second.

My wife read a book by Ferber and it changed everything. I met a lot of people
who said they tried Ferber and it didn't work, but none who actually read the
book and did what it said.

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tmaly
I would recommend that you and your partner read Bringing Up Bébé. The chapter
on sleep cycles will be a godsend.

The sooner you can get the baby sleeping through the night, the better you
will be.

Also, be careful around 6 month age with new foods. There are way too many
food allergies these days. I was just in the ER last night for a food related
allergy.

~~~
kqr
> Also, be careful around 6 month age with new foods. There are way too many
> food allergies these days. I was just in the ER last night for a food
> related allergy.

This is something I've been borrning about a lot, because my wife has a very
serious sesame allergy.

But what's confusing is that some allergies might be prevented with exposure,
and some seem to be caused by it. Either way, caution is useful, of course.

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eb0la
Hard data:

\- Everybody will tell you what to do.

\- Even more, they believe they are right everytime.

\- You'll spend a lot of time in ER (or something like that) because you don't
know what's going on and how to troubleshoot a baby. When in doubt, go ASAP or
you'll end going back home at 5am.

\- You'll be tired of doctors asking you if it is your first son. Fact is when
the second one has fever, you give him/her medicine _and_ pospone.

\- If you're wondering if you'll be able to do it well, you will (that's a
symptom of someone who cares).

It is _very_ important that the mother has enough rest, at least the first 3-4
months. Some people talk about post-labor depression: it is not depression,
just the mother is more exhausted than she has ever been in her life.

------
dhruvkar
I'm a few months ahead of you -- I have a 3 week old daughter.

I don't have much to add at the moment, except to expect a constant barrage of
(often unsolicited) advice from well-meaning family and friends. I'm learning
to take everything with a grain of salt and approach new advice with an
experimental mindset.

~~~
kqr
Hah, yes. And strangers, I suspect! (Based on experience of having dogs, where
strangers are surprisingly enthusiastic about telling me about everything I'm
doing wrong.)

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mjsweet
I recommend reading “The Wonder Weeks”, a book about different developmental
phases infants go through - with some caveats. It has helped us immeasurably
to understand what their little minds and bodies are going through as they
grow into their next developmental phase. Check it out, it’s worth a read and
is based on scientific research, though not without controversy, so take it
all with a grain of salt. Personally / anecdotally, we have found fussiness
has lined up perfectly with the jumps in our first child, while it’s about two
weeks early in our second child.

[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Wonder_Weeks](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Wonder_Weeks)

------
lordgrenville
There is a ton of conflicting advice. We're currently using Ferber and happy
with it. But there's so much variance among kids, so you can't rely blindly on
_any_ method.

You just need to gather evidence from your own kid (n=1) by being attentive,
responsive and malleable.

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cjbprime
The other comments seem spot on: Emily Oster books, a checklist (amazing how
quickly they leave your mind when stressed by crying), and the knowledge that
parenting doesn't actually matter for much in the first few years past making
sure the kid gets enough food and sleep.

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boon
"The Whole Brain Child" is an excellent primer on how children's brains work
and behaviors are exhibited, and from researchers in this area. I'm now
listening to the follow-up "No-Drama Discipline", and hoping it will provide
even more practical advice in this area.

"How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen, and How to Listen So Your Kids Will
Talk" is also good.

"Parenting From The Inside Out" is a gut punch about getting your own
psychological problems addressed first.

I'll also say that prioritizing sleep (as best as you can), proper diet,
exercise, and healthy boundaries between work/home are sometimes so much more
important than any book you could be reading.

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AnimalMuppet
Humans are too diverse for an evidence-based "always do X, never do Y". You're
more likely to get "X worked out better 70% of the time" \- which means with
70% of the kids. Well, 30% of the time, that won't work out well _with your
kid_.

So take advice (evidence based, if available). But if it's not working with
your child, then it's not. (Your kid will almost certainly differ from the
"best advice" on _something_.) When that happens, try something else, no
matter how "expert" or "evidence-based" the recommendation was.

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newsreader2020
I have two essential books:

1) [https://www.amazon.com/Baby-Whisperer-Solves-Your-
Problems/d...](https://www.amazon.com/Baby-Whisperer-Solves-Your-
Problems/dp/0743488946)

Good sleep habits should be the #1 priority with a newborn (to the extent you
can do anything about it).

2) Peaceful Parents Happy Kids
[https://www.ahaparenting.com](https://www.ahaparenting.com)

When kids get older (toddler and up) this book is very evidence based, and is
very helpful for dealing with relationship conflicts.

------
Corrspt
I've recently found the work of Alfie Kohn and his books (Unconditional
Parenting, Punished by Rewards - these I've read) it's heavily evidence-based
(lot's of cited research).

It challenges the status-quo but I really enjoy his perspective.

The books aren't really about dealing with very small babies , but you might
enjoy his teachings.

There's a DVD (about 2 hour long) "Unconditional Parenting" which is a great
summary of the book with the same name.

Best of luck in that adventure!

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lolinder
My wife and I listened to and got a lot out of the Great Course "Scientific
Secrets for Raising Kids who Thrive". He cites studies for all his tips, and
is very careful about recommending only things that have been thoroughly
researched, with replication.

[https://www.amazon.com/Scientific-Secrets-Raising-Kids-
Thriv...](https://www.amazon.com/Scientific-Secrets-Raising-Kids-
Thrive/dp/B00IUBJC4G)

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mkonikov
I’d recommend the book NurtureShock ([https://www.amazon.com/NurtureShock-New-
Thinking-About-Child...](https://www.amazon.com/NurtureShock-New-Thinking-
About-Children/dp/0446504130))

It has great chapters on sleep, race, praise and most interesting of all, how
the ways in which our efforts to become perfect parents can backfire.

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samjo
If you haven't a chance to check out www.parenttv.com it's great!! It has
literally brought together the leading parenting experts from all over the
world into the one place and personalises to the age of your child 0-17 years
old and walk you through their development and what you need to know broken
down into categories ... it's awesome!

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banjo_milkman
I think this is more difficult than it sounds. Kid A is very different from
kid B. I've found that things that 'work' with my kids don't work on other
kids.

Along these lines, I thought this book was interesting: The Gardener and the
Carpenter: What the New Science of Child Development Tells Us About the
Relationship Between Parents and Children

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gfrff
Most of the good stuff is designed for early childhood professionals, not
parents. Parent stuff tends to be plausible sounding nonsense. It's when you
have a group of a dozen kids in a preschool that you need stuff that works.
Compare levels of order the versus at home. It's a bit of work to adopt but
not too much.

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a-saleh
I never really used any.

In your place, now I would work to have community that feels familiar. Maybe
you are lucky and you have your close-family living nearby and you have good
relationship and good boundaries, that is a real asset.

We didn't. Having friends with small children saved me.

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sjg007
Read a book on child development Read a book on early childhood education.
Read about attachment.

You yourself should go to therapy to better understand yourself. A lot of
people parent as a reflection of their adult needs and their childhood
experiences. And congratulations!

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duxup
I really haven't found anything that I trust.

A lot of anecdotal stuff and strange testing kinda stuff.

There's SO MUCH NOISE when it comes to parenting information.

The best advice I have is to just pay attention to your child and figure out
what works for them the best you can. Every kid is really different.

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mooreds
I enjoyed "Parenting without Power Struggles" and "All Joy and No Fun". The
former nails how to have a real relationship with your child, the latter talks
about the issues with modern parenting.

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jbellis
_Selfish Reasons to have More Kids._

The TLDR is, relax: your parenting doesn't matter as much as you probably
think.

~~~
kqr
This seems to be a recurring theme. I get the impression it's very hard to
screw up so bad it would be statistically repeatable.

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julienreszka
I wouldn't recommend any.

You should try common sense.

------
hellocs1
related: [https://slatestarcodex.com/2018/11/06/preschool-i-was-
wrong/](https://slatestarcodex.com/2018/11/06/preschool-i-was-wrong/)

~~~
kqr
This is a blog I've read and enjoyed before. Thanks for the link; will take a
look!

