
If You Don't Prioritize Your Life, Someone Else Will - trevin
http://blogs.hbr.org/cs/2012/06/how_to_say_no_to_a_controlling.html
======
doktrin
Having been in this situation before (albeit never missing something as
monumental as the birth of my child), I would add another reason for this type
of faulty prioritization : vanity.

It's so easy to be tempted by the notion that I am in fact so crucial and
important to the business at hand that I _have_ to attend. Flaunting the
notion of my own importance was even bizarrely empowering. It's of course
completely hollow and meaningless, and ultimately self-defeating.

~~~
krosaen
So true, many times when I've lost sleep over a decision before ultimately
saying, "no" I've been surprised that the other party is completely OK with it
- I had assumed my saying yes was waaaay more important to them than it really
was.

------
columbo
More posts like these need to go up on HN. I became a developer during the
first boom (97) and spent countless all-nighters working on products for
companies that simply no longer exist. I remember sleeping at the office,
being up for days in a row, all that work for software that is probably stored
in an IT closet, or purchased and used simply for the patents.

With this second boom and it's Hackathons and 2-week-challenges I find myself
saying "No" quite often. "No, this is my daughter's soccer practice.", "No, I
have a dinner date with my wife." and so on.

I stil work on startup ideas and I tend to take on more than I can chew. But
now if I've got to make a choice between finishing a product or being a good
parent/husband I'll take the latter.

~~~
cantrevealname
> if I've got to make a choice between finishing a product or being a good
> parent/husband I'll take the latter

And that's why most successful startups are founded by childless, unmarried,
under 30s.

Being young correlates to being energetic and not risk averse, and having no
family commitments correlates to choosing the product over going to soccer
practice.

~~~
snowwrestler
> And that's why most successful startups are founded by childless, unmarried,
> under 30s.

Do you have a citation for that? It does not match the research I'm aware of.
For instance:

> Founders tended to be middle-aged—40 years old on average—when they started
> their first companies. Nearly 70 percent were married when they became
> entrepreneurs, and nearly 60 percent had at least one child, challenging the
> stereotype of the entrepreneurial workaholic with no time for a family.

[http://www.kauffman.org/research-and-policy/the-anatomy-
of-a...](http://www.kauffman.org/research-and-policy/the-anatomy-of-an-
entrepreneur.aspx)

~~~
anothermachine
Having children is not the same as having time for children, as plenty of
children can attest.

------
Mz
I don't understand the article title. It looks like no one was "prioritizing"
anything for him. He made the wrong call when it wasn't really required. Why
blame someone else? We all make mistakes. Hopefully, we learn from them. (If
you do this right, the reward is that you get to make all new mistakes instead
of repeating the same ones.)

For any future father's here, my ex was there to hold my hand during the
births of our two sons. It was one of the better things he did. I didn't care
if he forgot my birthday, especially once I realized he couldn't remember his
own. He had a demanding career and he was a challenging person to deal with.
But it meant a lot to me that he was there when our sons were born.

It meant even more to me when I found out 2.5 years later that I apparently
clawed him bloody during the very difficult birth of our first child and he
never complained. He brought that detail up exactly once in all the years we
were married. He mentioned it while shooing away some nurse who thought I was
being a bitch during the birth of our second child. He waved her off and said
"You are doing fine. You haven't drawn blood this time." I both respected and
appreciated that.

~~~
ChuckMcM
My take on it was that when he was told "The customer will respect this
choice." They were telling him that it was a higher priority that he make the
meeting than anything else.

Rather than question that, he simply accepted it. And therein lies the trap.
You let people tell you what your priorities are rather than setting them
yourself. And yes setting your own priorities will get you fired some times
(been there, done that) but it will also keep you balanced.

Time runs only one way, and then it stops. If you accumulate regrets life gets
less and less enjoyable.

~~~
Mz
From the way the article is worded, it does not sound like he missed the birth
of the child or left for a week. I agree with your point about needing to set
your own priorities, but I honestly don't understand what the author is
whining about. My ex was career military. Military men frequently cannot be
home for birthdays, anniversaries and even the birth of a child. My husband
had to find a way to get out of a deployment to be there when our second child
was born. I appreciate that he did that but I also know I am fortunate: His
chain of command was not required to give him an option.

I tend to not understand the complaints of people who have had cushier lives
than I have had. I am okay with that. I think most people are wusses and
whiners and I wouldn't want to live like they live.

I will no doubt regret replying to this. I seem to have misplaced my PC
filter.

Peace.

~~~
SatvikBeri
There's a big difference between making sacrifices for something that's
strongly important to you (defending your country, supporting your family,
etc.) vs making sacrifices for no real gain. This was the latter.

Without getting into a debate about what the correct choice was-the author of
the article made a decision that was out of line with his values, due to
social pressures and habits. He didn't choose to go to the client call because
he truly believed that it was more important. In my opinion, that's a terrible
way to live.

~~~
Mz
I strongly suspect that only someone with a ridiculously cushy life could
think that. But I also suspect most people on this forum are incapable of
understanding where I am coming from in that regard, so I am likely wasting
everyone's time, especially mine.

~~~
Retric
Most people in the US have the option of a vary cushy life, they just don't
realize it. The real problem is people are only aware of a minuscule fraction
of their choices.

And no joining the military long enough to get a collage degree does not
qualify as a 'hard' life compared to say living in as a super max prisoner, a
hunter gatherer, or 95% of humanity before the 1500's.

~~~
Mz
Thanks and have an upvote. But my deeply in debt and homeless situation has
now been compounded by a suddenly hugely negative bank balance.

Please excuse me while I go have a good cry. I no longer know how to cope.

~~~
Retric
Please, don't give up. A quick read of your profile suggest your in a
difficult situation right now, but you still have options. You can read, your
a US citizen, you have a high school diploma, you are reasonably mentally
stable, you are still young.

Social Security includes disability benefits which you may or may not qualify
for. But, you are probably eligible for some government assistance of some
kind. ED: <http://www.disabilitysecrets.com/conditions-page-2-38.html> vs
[http://www.disabilitysecrets.com/resources/social-
security-d...](http://www.disabilitysecrets.com/resources/social-security-
disability-coverage/benefits-celiac-disease.htm)

Trying to make significant amounts of money from websites is far closer to
playing the lottery than most people here want to think about. Still, there
are ways to make money working from home or even just a library, but most of
them don't pay vary much. Look at <https://www.elance.com/> to get and idea
what your competition is.

PS: I wish you the best of luck.

~~~
Mz
Thank you for your kind words, but I am too healthy to qualify for disability.
I am mostly out of options at this point. I would cuss god out one more time
but he/she/it clearly doesn't give a flying fuck. I have done the impossible.
Is the world interested? Nope. Is there any money in it? Nope.

Have a good evening.

------
miles
The title reminds me of this quote (which entrepreneurs will appreciate) from
Christopher Morley's _Where the Blue Begins_ :

"There is only one success ... to be able to spend your life in your own way,
and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it."

<http://www.gutenberg.org/files/1402/1402.txt>

~~~
tomelders
reminds me of another quote...

“If you don't design your own life plan, chances are you'll fall into someone
else's plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much.”

~ Jim Rohn

------
samspot
For my wife's 30th birthday our inlaws paid for a mini vacation in probably
the nicest hotel we'll ever visit. We had a fancy dinner planned for the first
night and it had been a long time since my wife and I had gotten away from the
kids.

As we are pulling into the hotel the system for one of our largest clients
goes down. I'm the only developer on this particular system (we're a small
company) and we end up cancelling dinner so that I can work all evening to get
the system back up.

I still don't know if I made the right choice there. Yes it could have meant
my job if I ignored the pager, but maybe I shouldn't be working for a place
that has no respect for my other priorities.

~~~
Mz
fwiw: I think you made the right choice. Work is sacrosanct. I hope the rest
of the weekend with your wife was lovely, but losing your job likely would not
have made her happy.

\-- former military wife who spent many a birthday alone

~~~
cgopalan
Even at the cost of family and friends? I dont see work as sacrosanct. Its a
section of your life devoted to help you sustain a living. Some people love
it, some people dont. There are other parts of your life that need the same,
if not more of an attention to develop your character as a whole.

~~~
Mz
I have been meaning to write a blog post about this. I think if friends and
family don't understand that your work is a priority, they should be cut
loose. There _are_ times when you should try to prioritize family. I spoke to
that in another comment in this same discussion. (And I was a homemaker and
fulltime mom for two decades, so my family _was_ my work.) But unless it is
the kind of friend that would happily follow you through the gates of hell,
they probably don't deserve more loyalty than your job. And if they are that
kind of friend, you probably have a word for them other than "friend", like
_blood brother_ or at least _best friend_.

~~~
cgopalan
I don't think it has anything to do with your family's attitude towards your
work (although I do agree if they put their interests before your priorities
they shouldn't be given more importance). Family/friends could be more
important than work to someone who derives more satisfaction from them. And in
your comment, you seem to imply that a job automatically deserves loyalty (in
this age where companies can let you go in the drop of a hat?). If you see a
job as "just another activity one does", no more no less, (doesn't mean the
person doesn't give their best, and not demeaning a job here) in the path to
overall growth, and has the same importance just like perfecting a hobby in
your leisure, you develop a different attitude to it.

My whole point is that work is not sacrosanct. It has no special place. There
is nothing in it by its very nature that makes it right to put it above all
else. There are other activities one does throughout the day, or maybe every
so often, that is more important or needs to be prioritized, IF one feels that
way.

~~~
Mz
A specific job may not be, in which case you should probably be looking for
other work. But it has been said that two major themes in life are learning to
deal with love and with work. If you need a paycheck to not starve, then your
job should be pretty darn important to you whether you like it or not.

I know no one here is going to change my point of view. Maybe you could
explain to me why people keep trying to do so while apparently making no
effort to understand it when I have repeatedly indicated I would kind of like
to bow out of what looks to me to be pointless contention.

~~~
cgopalan
"If you need a paycheck to not starve, then your job should be pretty darn
important to you whether you like it or not."

This is what I suspected you meant by "importance". Something that you are
forced to make important, not important by choice. And regarding my work,
there's no reason for me to look for other work. I love my job. And also love
some other activities I do during my day. But my job is not more important.

I know its hard to change a point of view. I just wanted to know where you are
coming from. And regarding bowing out, all you need to do is stop responding.
As far as I am concerned, I saw a comment, was curious about the why, and
prodded a little. It was a good discussion. Thanks for that and good luck.

~~~
Mz
Re: bowing out. I have found that simply no longer replying when others are
seriously mischaracterizing my remarks causes more problems than it solves. It
creates additional work of an onerous sort which can haunt me for months or
years. I wish that worked. I really do. But I have not found that it does.

Have a great day.

------
fitandfunction
Great advice, but very difficult to follow when you're living paycheck to
paycheck. For most people, I think the progression is 1) establish basic
financial freedom (6 - 12 mo of basic living expenses in a liquid fund) and
then 2) pick your moves purposefully. (1) is easier than most people think,
and once you have it becomes a lot easier to clear your head and address (2).

------
eumenides1
In my experience, I started by saying yes to everything and getting burned.
Then as I got older, I learned to say "no" and how say/how not to say/how to
imply "no".

At first it's hard, but people will learn to accept your "no"s and is a sign
of respect when they stop questioning why you said "no". (assumption: no is
backed up by reasonable and rational reasons)

------
minikites
How much of this is caused by the "asker/guesser"
([http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/may/08/change-
li...](http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/may/08/change-life-asker-
guesser)) misunderstanding? Probably a lot, since the main example in the
article seems like one.

~~~
paulgb
This is a great article, I hope you don't mind my submitting it to the main
page. I was half-expecting it to forward me to past discussion.

------
jfischer
Nice article. I think it highlights the challenge of trying to balance
multiple sources of priority, all of which are important to you. Of course, we
can say that the family is the most important (which it should be), but, if
you always prioritize family events over work, you might not have much of a
career. Beyond maintaining an awareness of your internal decision process, I
think it is important to communicate to everyone your commitments and stick to
them. In the long run, being reliable is more important than being being a
hero in a specific situation. In the Gandhi example, he did not prioritize his
grandson to the exclusion of everything else, but he did make a commitment and
followed through consistently.

Of course, this type of prioritization issue also applies to work within a
startup. There's always more to do than you can possibly finish, and you need
to pick between multiple urgent tasks...

------
kjhughes
The wife and newborn example sure does evoke an easy, "duh, dude, you screwed-
up" response.

The trick is knowing, in the moment, which alternative action will best serve
which subset of priorities over which time frames.

It's not always so obvious as newborn vs client meeting. Sometime it's flying
an airplane vs client meeting.

------
alexshye
Good article. Before quitting my day job, I was constantly surprised at the
number of meetings I could miss. I would sleep through many morning meetings.
Other meetings looked boring and I would choose to miss. If there was anything
important in most of the meetings, someone would find me later and catch me up
in a minute or less. It is very easy for people to spend their whole day doing
what they think is required of them, even if very little of it is actually
required.

------
zalew
In many cultures (f.ex. Japanese, Arab) it's the social norm to prioritize
family, and you are expected to do it. It's the westerners who ruined it, I
can't believe how it can be socially acceptable to miss a child birth for a
client meeting. If I were his client and knew he came while his wife is at
labor, I would think this guy is completely messed up and needs some serious
help, and sent him away quickly.

------
jeffdavis
I generally agree with the sentiment, but I'm not convinced at all by deathbed
regrets.

It's easy to say you wish you spent less time working and more time doing the
things you love, because it's easy to forget how working hard _enabled_ you to
do the things you love.

------
budley
What twaddle, look at the author. Greg McKeown is the CEO of THIS Inc., a
leadership and strategy design agency headquartered in Silicon Valley. He was
recently named a Young Global Leader by the World Economic Forum. Greg did his
graduate work at Stanford.

------
altrego99
What if the situation in his example was reversed? What if, his wife lay with
the newborn baby, and he felt that he wanted to go visit the client, but he
said 'no' instead? Would he still be wrong?

~~~
lookACamel
That's not really the point. It's not really about objectively correct
decisions. It's about knowing the difference between what you think is
important and what you think others think is important.

