
Ask HN: Does your partner/spouse work? If not, how is your life together? - simonebrunozzi
Hi there.
I&#x27;m an IT guy, with a reasonable salary. My wife has been under a lot of stress for the last three jobs (over a 5 year timeframe) and recently we&#x27;ve been discussing the possibility for her to simply stop working, and dedicate her time to raising kids, taking care of our home, etc., for the long term.<p>At first it sounded a bit scary to me. I used to believe that both people in a marriage should be both financially indipendent, and both should  feel fulfilled by an occupation (or later on, by some type of activity).
However, on second thought, I am more open to the idea.<p>I am wondering if any of you has experienced something like this, and if you can help me by sharing your thoughts, comments, opinions, etc. It will be greatly appreciated.<p>Thanks!
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davismwfl
My wife used to work but has spent the last 7 years as a stay at home mom.

There is nothing easy about being a stay at home parent, it is a full time
job. We had some adjustment when it changed but there are some awesome
benefits to it if you treat both of each other fairly.

You have to remember if she does stay home that she will have a full time job.
Your jobs will differ but neither is more valuable then the other and neither
of you have a lock on having it easy. My wife takes her "job" of managing the
house and raising the kids seriously and I have tons of respect that she can
do it and that I don't have to worry about dinners and tons of little details
of managing a household.

At the same time, she needs a break from time to time no different then you
need a day or two off every so often. Different then a vacation just a break.

Honestly it will take some adjustment but it has been one of our best moves
for a whole host of reasons. If you have specific questions let me know, not
that I have all the answers but happy to share any experience I have.

~~~
simonebrunozzi
Hey Davis, thanks for sharing your experience. It is helpful (and promising!).

I guess at this point my questions are semi-specific, given that we are only
considering the switch. The first couple that come to mind:

1) How did you deal with the financial side of it? Besides the fact that I
guess you pay for every household expense, I guess she has a small stipend
from you to buy her own stuff?

2) How is this seen from your respective parents? Did they raise concerns,
doubts, or were they cool with it?

3) What's the single biggest issue that you had because of this switch?

Thanks!

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davismwfl
1\. Joint account. What money is made is for the family we don't have a
concept of mine or hers. What we agree to is a budget for misc expenses for
both of us. If either of us wants to buy something over a certain dollar
amount then we talk about it and make it happen. As for presents we generally
use a credit card and pay the bill when it comes due but this keeps the gift
"hidden" until the special occasion.

2\. We are both in our 40's and on second marriage so honestly probably not as
relevant. But I'll tell you we both learned from our prior relationships that
finding what works for us is more important then what anyone else thinks or
what anyone's opinion is but our own. Easier said I know but it is very true.

3\. Finding balance. Agreeing what the split of responsibility was and working
through it. To complicate our situation a little I started working from home
about 2 years after we made the switch. Which then meant I basically invaded
her "space" all day and through off her schedule. So that was honestly the
single biggest issue we have had to figure out. It took probably 2 years, no
shit, to figure it all out.

Question you didn't ask. She has to feel in equal control like a solid
partnership over things like the finances etc. one of you might be better at
day to day management of finances so let that person do it but never should
she have to ask you for money just cause you have the income producing job.
That is a receipt for divorce, resentment and overall leads to control issues.
Also make sure she keeps active credit in her name only too. Don't let her
credit suffer just cause she isn't actively working. Keep a credit card in her
name and keep it current of course. This is really important for both of you.

Last point, communication about everything and each of your expectations will
make it way easier. You don't have to initially agree but you have to come to
an understanding about all the big stuff. Like division of responsibility,
finance etc.

Good luck! We love how our situation works but it takes some effort to keep
everything good, no different then if you were both working just some
different issues.

~~~
simonebrunozzi
Wow, this is gold for me. I really thank you for sharing it. I hope you
realize how difficult it is for me/us to think about this "topic" and be able
to start planning for some version of it, without much data or friends in
similar situations to rely on.

Luckily, most of your advice is very close to what we have already implemented
(she has worked for only 3 years over the last seven, primarily because of
visa requirements etc - we moved from Europe to Singapore, then US), and I
never had her ask for money. She also has her own bank account which I make
sure never gets too low, and where she usually collects most of her work
income. She's also very good at spending money only on good things, and not
wasting it (which otherwise would have made me nervous - e.g. "I work hard to
make money, and you spend it on a Gucci bag?").

I also agree that communication between us is important - it has been helpful
so far, and I hope it will continue to be in the future.

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ljsocal
We're 23 years into the solo working parent life. Our sons are now college age
and I'm certain they benefitted tremendously by having the constant presence
my wife has provided. We're doubly lucky in that I've worked from home all
that time. This has afforded us the opportunity to be fully engaged in our
children's lives and we've milked the parent experience for all it's worth.
It's a luxury that highly recommend to anyone who can swing it. I wouldn't
change a thing but it has required that we be much more careful (aka frugal)
with our finances.

My Harvard MBA wife would tell you that she wishes she'd done some job-sharing
or another more engaged professional work (beyond the odd consulting job here
and there). It's very hard to find an employer who'll let her back into the
workforce after such a long hiatus.

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simonebrunozzi
Hey, good to hear it was a blast for you.

And yes, unfortunately there seem to be little flexibility for people that are
out of work environments for such a long time.

Thanks for sharing your experience. Very useful.

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bartvk
Here in The Netherlands, it's common to get a part time job after having kids.
We roughly divided tasks as follows; I take care of the household, and she
takes care of the little one. So I work 4 days per week, and my girlfriend
works 2,5 days. The kid is three years old.

However, that was a conscious decision related to having a baby. It does sound
like due to the stress your wife experiences, she simply quits working.
Couldn't she find a better/nicer job with a more relaxed work pace?

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simonebrunozzi
Thanks for your input. I forgot to mention that we've been considering having
kids for some time now.

And yes, she might eventually look for a reduction in hours worked, or (long
term) for a different type of job altogether.

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bartvk
> she might eventually look for ...

Just a warning here. I see you say "eventually". However if she does want to
go back to work after pregnancy, her job should be the right one. As a woman,
you do _not_ want to go back to a stressful job after having a baby. This
happened to us and almost cost us our relationship.

Thus she might want to shift priorities and look for a better job on the short
term.

~~~
simonebrunozzi
That's a good point! I agree with you, that's not what I meant in the previous
comment :)

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Spooky23
My wife and I have done this for a few years, for reasons that sound similar.
Works great for us.

In our case, she has always done the books and we have always been able to
have enough carrying around money.

Budget carefully and make sure you set aside time for each other.

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Mz
I was a fulltime wife and mom for two decades. AMA. :-)

