
My Wife Was Dying, and We Didn’t Tell Our Children - jacquesm
https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/02/my-wife-and-i-didnt-tell-our-children-about-her-cancer/582709/
======
tristanb
I had the opposite upbringing, and lived my childhood years knowing my father
was terminally ill. Whilst hard, it made me into whom I am, and I'm thankful
for knowing exactly what was going on so I could enjoy each moment I had with
him.

~~~
bargl
Thank you for sharing. I wish my words didn't escape me in this moment, but I
wanted to post something so you know your comment was appreciated with more
than an up-vote.

------
bargl
I should have posted this earlier.

I usually come to HN for some good analytical cynicism.

But not today. I wish I hadn't read some of the comments on this thread. I get
it you disagree, you'd do it better, or different or for xyz reason.

This is a story. A touching one at that, about a hard decision two individuals
had to make and the sacrifices they made along the way because of that
decision. Ultimately it's theirs to make. If you are ever in this exact
situation yourself I don't think you look to an article for advice, but
instead consolation.

We were invited in for a glimpse, I don't think we need to criticize these
people we don't know. I don't even want to pretend to be able to justify their
actions either. I don't know them.

~~~
fzeroracer
I've had to face death at a young age. It may be their decision to make, but
it's a decision I firmly believe is worth criticizing because it's unhealthy.
For years I was in denial of my father's death and my family had trouble
discussing his passing.

I came away from that incident realizing that it is never a good idea to lie
or deny death. Discussing it early helps you and your family prepare and makes
the years afterwards less traumatic, as you don't feel robbed of your time.

~~~
bargl
You're giving advice, and it's good advice. The article isn't advice it's a
story and it's a good story.

------
darod
My brother's godfather died of lung cancer. It was sudden and a surprise to
everyone because he kept it a secret. When I got diagnosed at 33 with
colorectal cancer, I made sure to tell all my friends and family for a few
reasons: 1) I didn't want to suddenly disappear out of their lives and 2)
people keep these things to themselves and don't realize how many of their
peers may be going through similar trials. Our mortality is what makes us
human. It's been 6 years since the initial diagnosis and I'm still dealing
with it to this day but I feel like I appreciate the time I spend with my
friends and family more. They do, too, knowing that all these moments are
intentional.

------
jryan49
While heart breaking, and terrible I feel we as a society have a very warped
view of death. We're all way too afraid of it (including myself). It's
probably a symptom of death these days in developed countries being so rare.
Running away from it as I have learned makes it so much worse, than trying to
learn some acceptance.

~~~
jondubois
As a biological organism, life means literally everything.

Every part of you has evolved over millions of years for the sole purpose of
sustaining your existence within this universe. The core intent behind all
rational thoughts that a specimen can have is survival; either at the level of
the organism or at a genetic level.

From the perspective of the organism, survival is literally the only thing
that means anything at all. Therefore it makes perfect rational sense to be
terrified of death.

What if there's nothing after death... for the rest of eternity? This thought
makes most people extremely uncomfortable. It is the root of all fears. If
death didn't exist, the word "fear" would probably not exit either.

I don't think that it's the rarity of death in developed countries which makes
people more afraid of it; it's the other way round; that people's fear of
death (which is a side effect of better education and weaker religion in
developed countries) make them less likely to take risks which might cause
them to die.

~~~
reading-at-work
> What if there's nothing after death... for the rest of eternity?

I have been mulling over this for some weeks now, more intensely than ever
before in my life. I'm only 24 but still terrified of the concept, and frankly
it's poisoned every waking hour with a mild to extreme sense of dread and
foreboding. My mind tends to fixate and freak out over life problems it can't
solve, and this is the ultimate one that _no one_ can solve. I'm glad that I
still have a lot of my life ahead of me, but I can't stop fixating on the
infinite nothingness afterwards and what that truly means. It's to the point
that doing enjoyable things day to day feels worthless and just reminds me
that it's still all going to end, no matter what I do, and sends me back down
a spiral of fear.

I know rationally that I shouldn't let it get to me, because there's nothing I
can do, but that just makes me apathetic and hopeless. I'm hoping this is a
phase that will just pass but if anyone has real advice for how to move
through this I would be very grateful.

~~~
yesenadam
Well, you also didn't exist _before_ you were born, for a very long time..
Does that bother you too?

It's very common to have existential crises (and other related crises) in your
teens/20s. I certainly did. I read some philosophy-type books on the meaning
of life which helped with that. (Klemke's _The Meaning of Life_ anthology was
one I remember that helped a lot.)

Ok, so... not living forever seems..bad? So..if you lived forever, that would
somehow give you meaning to your life? I can't really see how it would, even
if it were possible. An infinite life would probably be infinitely boring. (I
don't think people really can imagine _forever_ or _eternity_ ) Surely the
brevity of life makes its moments more precious. Think on what you're grateful
for, treasure the people around you. What an amazing miracle it is to somehow
be conscious, alive, here, now, on this planet.

I don't think "What is the meaning of life?" is a good question - we give our
lives meaning by the things we're involved in. Who cares if they don't last
forever? Is a piece of music, a meal, a conversation, a day, the worse for
coming to an end?

People can help you, and it is a serious problem you are having. Get help if
you need it - it's being strong to ask for help. Good luck.

p.s. Religion[0] provides answers, but false ones, as far as we know.
Believing "we live forever", without any evidence, is just burying your head
in the sand. Among the basic facts of life are that we are born and we die.
Expecting the universe to be like a child's home, with loving parents and
everything designed to make us feel good, a moral universe designed around
human desires, is wishful thinking.

[0] (which I notice a sibling comment has recommended as a solution)

~~~
nate_meurer
> _Religion[0] provides answers, but false ones, as far as we know._

It's good to know that this has finally been determined, presumably by teams
of qualified scientists, philosophers, and the most honest of holy men.

Although, it does seem to render your characterization of consciousness as an
"amazing miracle" in a somewhat awkward light.

~~~
yesenadam
"Don't be snarky."

Your first sentence seems mere sarcasm, and I don't get what you mean by the
second. Only religious people are allowed to use the word 'miracle'? I don't
know. If you'd used plain speaking and short words, we could've seen what you
really have to say. As it is, I'm left wondering. I said 'as far as we know',
which you misrepresent as me saying something about 'finally'. If you have
evidence otherwise, you would've mentioned it I suppose; innuendo is all you
have. Your quotation in the second sentence also misrepresents what I said. If
that matters to you. You wrote like you are on the side of truth before you
write a word, that all your audience here will recognize it, that eloquence
and long words alone will deliver triumph. Less 'delicacy', more saying what
you mean, please.

------
cyberferret
One thing I have learned since having kids is how resilient and accepting they
are of the concept of death. Our boys were quite young when they lost their
grandfather (my dad) and their grandmother (my wife's mum) to long term
illness.

When talking to them about it, they were surprisingly pragmatic about the
whole thing, and _they_ even shifted the conversation to our own (my wife and
I) mortality and the fact that we wouldn't be around forever.

I think it is a far healthier approach, and it helps the grieving process. I
recall even in my childhood when my parents hid the facts that the family dogs
had passed etc. - I always had some residual resentment towards them for that
- the fact I couldn't say goodbye properly or that they thought I was too
emotionally ill equipped to deal with it.

~~~
random42
I won't generalize it.

I was the youngest child of an old couple, and I lost my mum about 10 years
back, and I am going to lose my father sometime in future, and I have been
constantly thinking about it - literally everyday I have time to think - for
the last 20 years of my life. I am in my early 30s!

I have been grieving passively most of my life, because I have been acutely
aware of the mortality of my parents, and cannot say its healthy. I wish I had
"known" less about my parents mortality.

I guess, my point is - death of loved ones suck, and everyone handles grieving
differently.

------
htanirs
I think the best thing about this was the children understood. They
acknowledged it was for the better.

I think a gift we have is not knowing when or how we are going to go.

If there is nothing I can do about it, Not sure if I would want to know the
number of days my parents have, even if they are aged. Same way not sure if I
would want my kids to know how much time I have.

We all are unique. Each family is unique. And it is also natural for humans to
judge openly or subconsciously. But we do what we think is best for family.

I dread the day, science is going to put a number on a child as soon as it is
born. I feel it would make our life miserable for everyone.

------
sriacha
This reminds me of a great This American Life episode, 'In Defense of
Ignorance' [1], that deals with this theme, only the ignorant person was the
one dying. It follows an elderly Chinese woman whose terminal cancer diagnosis
was kept from her.

[1] [https://www.thisamericanlife.org/585/in-defense-of-
ignorance](https://www.thisamericanlife.org/585/in-defense-of-ignorance) (act
1, What You Don't Know)

------
BrissyCoder
Reminds me of the Stegner novel: All the Little Live Things.

------
maxxxxx
I think it's a big mistake to rob the children of this experience and of the
opportunity to help.

~~~
jhowell
Hopefully, you'll never have to make this decision. In the interim, why judge
someone else?

~~~
nmstoker
What's wrong with judging people? It's essential to life. What often needs
more care is being thoughtful with the outcome so people don't feel bad.

------
aaron695
Why can't we as a society say it's ok for a dying person to be selfish.

It wasn't best for the kids, but that's ok.

What matters is the dying person was as happy as possible, which one can see,
keeping it from the kids would have helped with.

The kids will find out about the lie and further lying that it was for "them"
is where it's not healthy.

The concept they went through hardship by not knowing acknowledges their
journey AND gives it value by saying it helped their parent in their final
days rather than the awful guilt of not being able to help or even given the
chance to help.

------
Simulacra
That's horrible... If my spouse were dying I would absolutely tell my
children, because time is short, and time is not always used to its fullest.
Knowing puts that into perspective. Those poor children..

~~~
nate_meurer
I'd encourage you to read the article. Those "poor children" evidently
disagree with you.

