
A Letter to My Daughter About Young Men - eiffel
https://medium.com/@benjaminsledge/a-letter-to-my-daughter-about-young-men-2bab2fca4971#.fgupgo92w
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nine_k
In short: don't look for (mere) strength, look for honor.

(As a side note: the author refers to high-schoolers as to a "pack" at some
moment. To my mind, one of the most detrimental things modern schools do to
children is packing them in large single-age groups, where jackal pack
mentality grows easily, and there are no big guys to look at and emulate, nor
small ones to care about and protect.)

~~~
HCIdivision17
I was in some kind-of experimental programs as a kid. In middle school, we had
a "team" that we all followed with. Basically same teachers and it covered
multiple grades. I really liked it. I had good friends in a grade lower, and I
could be a part of some classes a grade over. But I never had the awkward in-
wrong-grade feeling.

I have no clue what difficulties that put on the teachers, but as a student it
was pretty nice.

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knucklesandwich
This was hard to read. I know the author meant well, but I have a lot of bones
to pick with this. The shortened version of my gripes is this: Don't teach
your daughter to excuse casual misogyny and seek "honorable" men, for whatever
definition of that you might have (there seems to be a latent message of
"don't be a slut" in here too, which is also a big problem). Women shouldn't
have to put up with men who see dating as a bloodsport and women as "prey",
and men who conceptualize their relationship with women like this are so
profoundly complicit with misogyny that I don't see how compassion would do
any good. The author uses colorful analogies as stand-ins for things that are
very cold and dark, and I don't see how this is anything more than victim
blaming.

I'd rather read the letter from a father to his son. At least this person
realizes that socializing men is part of the problem here.

~~~
crgwbr
I agree that women should not have to put up with casual misogyny. However
that belief alone doesn't make the problem go away. In that vain, giving
advice to your daughter that is pragmatic and acknowledges a problem isn't
synonymous with excusing a problem.

~~~
knucklesandwich
My point is you probably shouldn't normalize this kind of behavior or advise
your daughter to forgive it and steer men like this towards someone to mentor
them. Women don't have an obligation to raise men they didn't help birth, and
teaching them that they ought to promulgates misogyny of a different form. I
understand this is meant in the spirit of "turn the other cheek", but this
isn't really good advice unless you're already operating on the principle of
good faith and equal standing. It's not even clear that this alleviates the
original problem, since why would men who don't respect women be amenable to
this?

Teach them to require consent and communication, and tell them they'll always
have your support. Beyond that, don't get involved in what may or may not be
virtuous behavior to you. Women inherit a lot of puritanical guilt over
nonsense that parents project onto them.

I understand the desire to protect your children, and particularly your
daughter in a world that generally values them less. But misogyny is a power
dynamic that is reinforced by socializing women to normalize it and especially
by socializing men to perceive their existence and agency as more valuable.

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legostormtroopr
Who are these men who hunt women? Even metaphorically I've never seen or heard
of such nonsense much less participate.

I feel that these articles are written to make the author feel good, telling
scary stories of monsters to make themselves feel like a hero.

~~~
fatjokes
Fratty douchebros. Hard to miss in clubs and bars.

EDIT: I just realized that's not very descriptive, but all I can say is that
the author is not alone in noticing them.

~~~
cheez
It's all in good fun if you do it. It is a little douchey, I'll admit, but
it's harmless fun.

------
cheez
Would love to hear the reverse perspective (mother to son)

~~~
Mz
I am a mother of two sons. I raised them with the idea that affection required
mutual consent. I was very big on that. At some point, I stopped worrying they
would accidentally commit date rape due to a tragic misunderstanding. I also
stopped worrying they would be molested or otherwise taken advantage of.

I have heard that where the English Bible says "The meek shall inherent the
earth," the French says " The nonchalant shall inherit the earth." I prefer
the French version. If you have clear and healthy boundaries, you can sidestep
a lot of unhealthy expectations with little to no drama.

I was a full time mom for a long time. I cannot imagine writing a letter to my
sons. I raised them. I know they got the memo. I don't need to leave something
in writing of this sort.

~~~
cheez
That's what I expected: even a letter to your sons is focused on how to treat
women and at best, focused on equal treatment.

The real letter from the mother I would have loved to read is "stay away from
this type of woman" or "if a woman does X, she is someone you can build a life
with". Just like this father did for his daughter.

~~~
meira
There are tons of articles covering this mindset. It's exactly part of the
problem, "pick up artists".

~~~
cheez
What...

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nopit
What does this have to do with computers/technology?

~~~
crgwbr
The posting guidelines to not limit NH to discussions of technology.

 _" Anything that good hackers would find interesting. That includes more than
hacking and startups. If you had to reduce it to a sentence, the answer might
be: anything that gratifies one's intellectual curiosity."_

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mattmurdog
Fake pretentious rubbish.

