

Rejection - semanticist
http://blog.latentflip.com/post/29820876915/rejection

======
betawolf33
My feeling is like that of astrojams', though I wouldn't like to say what
particular part of your upbringing or culture leads you to have such a (to me)
weird desire to praise the mundane and unremarkable.

By your own observation, Alex succumbed to social pressure to overcome his
fear of heights. He topped off the event with some damage-limiting self-
deprecation. All of that's normal. It wasn't especially brave or ingenious or
anything. Maybe now he's made the jump he'll be less worried about it next
time. Maybe he won't.

Frankly, if you'd gone over and congratulated him, you'd either have
embarrassed him (because his dive was so terrible that some well-meaning
weirdo felt the need to encourage him) or weirded him out (because seriously,
who goes around complimenting strangers?). In the meantime, you're lying (it's
not like his dive was actually impressive) and fostering an environment where
people get praised for every meagre personal triumph. Please don't do that.

~~~
philip_roberts
I've responded to astrojams' comment already, but I'd guess his fear/concern
about his first jump from the 1 meter diving board is about on a par with my
fear of diving from the 3 meter board (something I've yet to do).

If, when I eventually do dive from the 3 meter and join the queue to go again,
someone turns round and gives me a high-five, I don't think I would be
particularly weirded out or embarrassed. And I don't think it would stop me
from seeking my full potential in the future because my meagre personal
triumph had been rewarded in some small way.

But hey, maybe I am just weird and sheltered. _shrugs_

------
autophil
I too have missed opportunities to encourage people when they needed it. I'm
more forthright now, quicker to laud others for trying, but I still wince when
I think of those instances.

The post is well written and the analogy seems appropriate btw. Rejection
Therapy has a post on the secret fear hacks of high divers and the golden rule
is to never balk: [http://rejectiontherapy.com/fear-hacks-of-world-class-
high-d...](http://rejectiontherapy.com/fear-hacks-of-world-class-high-divers/)

Alex never balked either. Good for him. Great blog post too.

~~~
philip_roberts
Thanks! That link will definitely help me as I move up to the 3 meter board
(which scares the crap out of me!).

~~~
jhull
I dove for 9 years, through college, and the trick I always found is to just
do it as much as you can. The more time you spend at 3 meter (or 10 meter) the
less fear you have. As an example, went to a practice about a year ago after
not diving for 3 years and it took me a lot of time bouncing the board to get
comfortable throwing dives again.

Spending time higher up also makes coming down to a lower height that much
better. Train on 10M for a full day and then come back down to 3M and it seems
like nothing. Was a good strategy to break your fear. One of my coaches (from
Hungary) her father was her coach and used to dangle her and the other new
recruits from the platform at a young age to break their fears. Not a strategy
I would use with my kids, but worked for her (a 1988 Olympian.)

~~~
reddit_clone
>(a 1988 Olympian.)

In that case the strategy worked really well. You should seriously consider it
for your kids :-)

~~~
sirrealle
Dangling kids over things did not go as well for Michael Jackson. This may not
be the best idea...

~~~
reddit_clone
'Tough love' is a normal part of any physical training (Military , sport, you
name it). It prepares pupils for the tougher things they are going to
encounter in the real world.

As for Michael Jackson, I don't think it was any different than a lot of guys
who throw babies up in the air and catch them on their way down. Gives me a
mini heart attack every time I see one.

Babies love that stuff though.

------
Peroni
Whilst I appreciate the encouraging words, this is an incredibly cheesy and
highly unrealistic analogy.

Again, I get the authors point however the delivery is terrible. The kids
post-dive reaction is unrealistic, the kids pre-dive fear is unrealistic. I
accept it's just an analogy but the story bothers me.

Maybe it's people like me the author is targeting.

~~~
iambot
Your opinions are valid, though I would like to point out that I (for
instance) felt the pre-dive fear was not at all unrealistic, and so it may be
that our opinions are divided based on our personalities / life-experience.

But never the less, if that is his pre-dive emotion, who are you to discount
his fear? other than perhaps someone with the benefit of hindsight? (I
pressume you to be older than 16).

I like it, and you're welcome to your opinion (obviously), just thought I'd
share my opinion of yours.

~~~
Peroni
Granted, everyone thinks differently.

The subject is a 16 year old male.

Pre-dive his fear would primarily be the height and significant impact on
landing. They are primal fears that significantly override one of rejection.

Post-dive, how likely is it that a 16 year old would surface and shout 'I
failed'? Realistically, they may think like that but they wouldn't vocalise
it. They would sheepishly swim off to a corner out of sight.

~~~
philip_roberts
Hi, author here. Clearly a lot of this post is my analysis of what was going
on in the boys head, which I can only hypothesise about from my own
experiences, but the events in the story are pretty much as they happened
yesterday, rather than a created analogy. And his first words were certainly
"I failed!".

Thanks for everyone's comments. Appreciated!

~~~
lusr
Completely believable to me and a very astute set of observations.

I've been there. I know exactly the difference you describe between
justifiable fear (the unknown physical consequences of diving off a board for
the first time) vs. the far more powerful irrational fears (mind reading that
everybody is looking at you and laughing at how awkward you appear, especially
the cute girl over there that you are quite attracted to, and how disappointed
she's going to be if you mess up the dive; maximising the importance of your
dive performance in your mind because you believe she wants somebody perfect,
whereas for all you know she thinks it's cute, etc.).

I especially enjoyed your conclusion - it's one I reached before, myself.
Socially awkward people who eventually develop out of their behaviour have a
great gift - they can recognize and empathize with other socially awkward
people far better than the natural extroverts and, through their words of
encouragement and empathy, share the gift of self-confidence.

------
iambot
Great read. and well writ. I feel that it perfectly sums up what a lot of
people go though, myself included. If only we all had the guts to go and
congratulate people when they attempt something, and urge them to keep trying.
Instead of the oft scathing "constructive criticism" we tend to give, if we
even bother doing more than just silent acknowledgement.

------
plasma
Excellent story. This resonates with me very strongly.

Social freedom is an amazing trait to have, which you can (I certainly did and
continue to) learn.

Some of my friends think I am crazy. I think I am socially free.

How your inner monologue runs when in social situations, or even walking to
the shops for milk, greatly affects how you act.

As a hetro man, a classic example is nervousness in approaching a girl on the
street you see walk by to find out if you like each other enough for a date or
more. Thoughts like "your not allowed to (talk/stop/interrupt/greet) her on
the street" and other limiting beliefs that prevent you from taking risks and
grabbing life with such amazing force, all because of social conditioning and
worrying about what other people will think of you, sucks.

Changing how you think, and instead becoming excited at the chance you could
be bringing an amazing person into your life is much better.

When you realize that thought process exists and work to change it, in my
experience, amazing adventure happens.

This applies to every aspect of life, from how you treat others, family,
relationships, and work.

Changes to how you think let you not only take opportunities, but make them.

~~~
astrojams
Responded over here: <http://kerr.io/rejection-done-right/>

I think you grew up sheltered and have expectations that are not in line with
reality.

~~~
philip_roberts
Perhaps I did, it's hard for me to say, but I'd estimate my views on reality
are pretty well average for a white, not-rich, not-poor, twenty-something in
Scotland.

My intention wasn't to question why everyone didn't woop and holler at his
"mundane achievement". The point, if any, I was trying to make was more that
I, Alex, and perhaps others, can hold ourselves back from doing things we want
to do for fear of failure and rejection. And that learning to get over that
fear could be beneficial.

Indeed, if I had any idea that this post was going to end up on Hacker News,
rather than just as an unread scrawl on my blog, written over coffee on a
Monday morning, perhaps I wouldn't have had the guts to write it at all.

The closing thought about the high-five was less a question to the world, and
more a thought to myself that had I been the one diving off the board,
worrying about being rejected (consciously or subconsciously), that it would
have been pretty awesome to 16-year old me if some random dude had given me a
high-five.

It's entirely possible though that poor writing and or structure didn't do a
good job of conveying my points. Next time I'll spend a bit more time planning
:)

------
skrebbel
Ignoring the metaphor for a while, if I'm 16 years old and a smiling guy comes
up at me after a dive to tell me that I did a good job, I'm not sure if I'd
feel so encouraged. At 12, maybe. At 22, sure. But at 16 years old? No way.
Get away from me, old man.

~~~
philip_roberts
You might have a point, though I hope there a few more years in me yet before
I hit true old man status (I am 25).

