

Mixed Signals: Why People Misunderstand Each Other - DiabloD3
http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/04/mixed-signals-why-people-misunderstand-each-other/391053/?single_page=true

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rcarrigan87
Just out of college I did a short stint at a staffing agency doing outside
sales. It was a highly competitive environment with a lot of personalities. On
top of that the average age in the office was probably 23-24 and it was almost
everyone's first real job.

You would think this environment would be a hot bed for miscommunications and
drama. Oddly enough, there never really was much drama in the office. The
company had an extreme focus on metrics, they measured everything and
benchmarked everyone (# of meetings/wk, calls/wk, forms submitted, time spent
on email, etc.).

Every 3 months they also brought everyone in the office into a room and we
would all go around and say one good thing and one bad thing about each other
to the entire group. This brought a lot of the miscommunication out into the
open and helped get everyone on the same page.

The company made it to a billion dollars in revenue in under 10 years so they
were definitely on to something. I have never been in a sales environment
since where communication and understanding were that well maintained.

~~~
e40
_Every 3 months they also brought everyone in the office into a room and we
would all go around and say one good thing and one bad thing about each other
to the entire group._

That (saying a negative thing) seems like it could backfire.

~~~
rcarrigan87
The big meetings were mostly about constructive criticism. There was also a
policy where if you had a problem with someone you'd immediately step in
another room with them and hash it out. Some things are better discussed 1 on
1 rather than in a group.

If you consistently had lingering issues with people this would hurt your
chance for promotion. You were expected to deal with issues as soon as they
arose.

The CEO believed that lingering issues can greatly impact your productivity
and are a huge distraction. I tend to agree.

------
arafa
I'm a little disappointed in this article, in that upper face movements are
generally (as far as I've read and seen) very reliable indicators of emotion.
The only two common misconceptions I've read about are this, which is a
confusion likely caused by brow furrowing and lower eyebrow tensing used in
some anger faces and while concentrating, and when some women crinkle their
nose when they enjoy something, which is also used when feeling disgust.

In general, people (especially men, who perform less well in face-reading
tests) are more likely to miss a emotion on someone's face or not know what it
means than misinterpret it
([http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2273571/Why-men-
ha...](http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2273571/Why-men-harder-women-
read-emotions-face.html)).

~~~
kelukelugames
Hahaha yes, my concentration face is also mistaken for my pissed off face.

------
trjordan
Another complication is that the way people perceive themselves may not be a
"true" read on their behavior. If a person acts anxious in stressful
situations, it makes sense to cut them some slack. But what if a person is
always in stressful situations that seem avoidable? Everybody else may think
of them as anxious, while their internal view is that they're unlucky.

------
staunch
> _" Can you imagine how exhausting it would be to weigh every possible
> motivation of another person?"_

Which is why people take the shortcut of assuming anyone who says things they
don't like is an asshole.

~~~
iamcreasy
Here is where the cultural differences comes into play. In a particular
culture, there is an usually semi-well defined set of protocols that assists
us to decipher the non-verbal communications. But in a global village, I find
it easier to give everyone the benefit of doubt.

Why? Because to me it feels, we are mostly rational people and at the end of
the day we don't want to do anything that will hunt our consciousness. So we
will always try to balance out our good and evil.

~~~
mreiland
And we can all link hands and sing Kumbaya.

I don't have the mental energy to give everyone I come across the benefit of
the doubt. When it's all said and done, the people who don't take the time to
try and understand me get dismissed pretty quickly.

I know, I know, that makes me a terrible person. But it's also true that some
people are more considerate than others, and all things being equal, if I'm
going to expend my limited energy on someone, it's going to be the person who
is a little more considerate.

I guess that's my failing, but whatever.

~~~
rmxt
There is this recorded saying that they've been playing on the subway in
NYC... It's trite -- borderline oppressive when you're stuck in a sardine can
of a subway car -- but it applies here: "Courtesy is contagious, and it begins
with you."

There's no reason for you or anyone else to think you're a terrible person
because of what you're saying, but at the same time, it might be helpful for
you to reconsider your position. What happens if someone catches you on a bad
day in which you aren't trying to understand people? They "dismiss you pretty
quickly" and you're left holding the bag.

~~~
mreiland
We're not discussing courtesy.

I can excuse me and hello, nice to meet you all day long without a second
thought. But I'm not going to spend my time trying to reconcile with someone
who is being unfair to something I said when I could instead be using that
time to reconcile with someone who is instead simply misunderstanding me.

there is an idea known as irreconcilable differences, that idea applies here.

~~~
rmxt
It's called "courtesy" on the subway, but the analogous traits are "empathy"
and "earnestness" in general discourse. My point was less about the specific
trait and more that often times we can encourage/evoke the traits we want to
see in others by first developing and portraying them in ourselves. I guess I
am looking at the grey area between someone being unfair to you and someone
who is misunderstanding you. I think that trying to empathize and understand
the "other" often results in finding out that someone isn't actually being
"unfair" to us, but rather, is actually "misunderstanding" us. That working
point can give way to deeper understanding in a conversation/venture that
might have otherwise been discarded because of "irreconcilable differences."

~~~
mreiland
no, this is courtesy:
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RR5rIv4Qros](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RR5rIv4Qros)

If you're not willing to empathize enough to do this for another human being,
then you're a terrible person who needs to work to be better.

------
grownseed
This is a subject that is pretty close to my heart, and which I think extends
beyond demeanor. I witness on a near-daily basis conversations turning into
heated arguments simply because the protagonists fail to see beyond their own
perspectives and convey their own inadequately. Quite often, it seems, the
points brought forward by the "opposing" party are largely ignored, the
arguments are no longer about who/what is right, but about who wins. You
therefore end up with conversations where the two parties are in fact talking
about the same thing, but are so caught up in their own narrative that instict
(System 1) takes over. Alternatively, people may be talking about completely
different things and fail to realize they're doing so, effectively and
unknowningly arguing in a vacuum, where loudness and displays of anger are
more often than not the deciding factors. In both instances, this often
results in disgruntled people and feelings being blown out of proportion. One
only needs to look at political debates to see what I'm referring to.

On a lighter note, and hopefully providing more positive (anecdotal) examples
than the article provides, signalling can be a very powerful tool too, even
when mixed. It seems I have one of those faces that instills trust; quite
regularly, completely random people will smile at me, say hello or even engage
in conversation. Similarly, I'll be, say, on a bus and transport inspectors
will get on and check everybody's tickets, except mine. They will look at me,
smile at me, and completely ignore whether I do have a ticket. This sort of
thing happens to me so regularly that I'm not even sure what to make of it,
though it is definitely nice.

~~~
kelukelugames
Do you have a baby face? I remember research showing these description all
happen for people with a baby face. Their prime example was Matt Damen.

------
hliyan
To look at the subject matter more generally:
[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theory_of_mind](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theory_of_mind)

 _Theory of mind (often abbreviated ToM) is the ability to attribute mental
states — beliefs, intents, desires, pretending, knowledge, etc. — to oneself
and others and to understand that others have beliefs, desires, intentions,
and perspectives that are different from one 's own._

