Ask HN: Anyone here make a 'comeback' from rock bottom? What is your story? - rblion
======
tmh79
I was depressed, mildly alcoholic, 100 lbs over weight (had been obese
basically my entire life), and almost failing classes in college (had a
professor call me out for not doing a bad job after he thought I was either
cheating or being too lazy for copying some data). All of these ideas had been
brewing in my head, and then one day I saw this commercial on youtube:
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9pmgoETgQQ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9pmgoETgQQ)
it spoke to me, and it nudged me to make some specific changes:

1: I moved (by chance, wasn't planned as part of a "reawakening"), which was
awesome, the change of place let me reset my bad habits. We are creatures of
habit and changing that habit is much easier with a change of scenery.

2: I started running. My first week, I jogged about 100 yards, then walked
about 400 yards, repeat 4x for about a mile total distance, it sucked and I
hated it, but I knew it was the right thing to do. Week 2 I was up to running
about 125 yards and walking 375 yards. Week by week I slowly increased my
fitness, and eventually ran a mile without stopping, then 1.5 miles without
stopping, then 5 miles without stopping (took a while lol), etc.

3: I realized that one key to weight loss was my addiction to food, so I
adhered to a very strict diet of chicken and vegetables 3x/day, and nothing
else.

4: no alcohol, socially or otherwise

What kept me going was strict discipline, and making sticking to my plan,
making it my priority above everything else. For eight months, the one thing I
existed to do was improve myself, and it ended up working. By the end I was at
about 215 lbs from 315lbs (im 6' 5" btw), I was happier, I had better
relationships, I was more confident.

~~~
rblion
I can relate to that a lot. It's gonna be a helluva story for both of us when
it's all said and done.

I'm 27. 114 days without drinking or pot. about 2 months without meat. 10 days
without buying a pack of cigs. almost debt free.

Moved back home at the end of May to focus on recovery. I was out in Utah for
a coding bootcamp, got kicked out halfway through for smoking weed when my
roommate (a gay ex-mormon) told on me because he didn't like that I was doing
well there (he went through my room while I was in Moab and told the police
where I kept my weed), got a full refund because I still got a job without
their help. Worked at a sketchy startup for a few months, learned a lot about
what I wanted and shattered a lot of my misconceptions about the tech
industry. Started working as a developer at a hosting company after but the
company laid off 1000 people including me right after I signed a lease. They
fired me before I got any severance because I came in hungover one day. Led to
more drinking and smoking, really fucked me up inside feeling like a recurring
fuck up.

Using everything I learned in Utah to start an agency. Got a few quality
clients now ranging from a film composer in Hollywood, a fitness model from
Miami, a dog clothing company, a Native American photographer. Going to AZ to
see the Grand Canyon next week, then Colombia for an ayahuasca retreat in
October to heal from PTSD from childhood trauma.

Saving up for an SUV, better camping gear, and going to work remotely next
year as I explore North America. Going to be a 'creative developer' and nature
photographer at the same time.

~~~
bdamm
This is awesome. However, a word of warning; you're perfectly set up now for a
massive and life shattering crash. My free advice; considering visiting a
12-step meeting. It's likely that you're going to need that support later, and
the sooner you get it, the shorter the next problem is going to be.

Your healing has only just begun. Don't stop the work now just because things
are going well.

~~~
logfromblammo
I disagree that 12-step programs are the best or only way to establish an
emotional support network. They are a fine interim solution, but the end goal
should be to establish genuine and diverse friendships that are not based upon
that which you see as a shared weakness.

They may do some good things, but I don't think they have the evidence to back
up all their claims and practices, and they are fundamentally religious in
nature.

~~~
bdamm
If you have a story of what's worked for you please share it.

~~~
logfromblammo
But that would also be anecdotal, not evidence. As our testers keep telling
our developers, "it works on my machine" is not an acceptable investigation
into the problem.

Also, that presumes that what I am doing is actually working, which is a
matter that could easily be debated.

If I were to personalize a 12-step into something workable for me:

    
    
      1. Admit that your enemy is yourself--the problems you can solve come from you.
      2. Realize that no one other than you can save you from yourself.
      4. Analyze those parts of yourself that war against each other.  Reconcile them.
      8. Explicitly list the undesirable side effects of your behavior.
      9. Apologize to others where necessary.  Forgive yourself.  Pledge to do better.
      10. Think about consequences before acting.  Be one unified self in thought and action.
    

From my perspective, several of the 12 steps involve intentionally fragmenting
one's personality even further beyond those that must already exist in order
to perform self-destructive acts. The "God" character is you, pretending to be
someone that cares about you, perhaps with a parental figure pasted over it as
a facade. Other people are then able to coach you and give direction on how to
play that character, which may not necessarily benefit you.

My problem with this ultimately lies in the fact that I have a personality
fragment that delights in positing conspiracy theories and unraveling
deceptions, who just immediately pokes holes in all attempts at self-
deception, even when it is for the purpose of self-improvement. Since
religious self-deception is an integral and indivisible part of every 12-step,
that rules out 5 of the steps altogether, and there's no particular reason to
proselytize half of something, so that rules out the 12th, too.

~~~
bdamm
"God" in 12-step groups is not much more than simply the idea that you are not
God, and something out there might be able to help you. Beyond that, "God" can
be the tree outside, the earth, Christian/Jewish/Muslim God, oceans, whatever.

For me it is not self deception. I did not create the world, and it will not
cease to exist when I die.

~~~
logfromblammo
At one time, I lost the plot. On my way back, and as an essential part of my
recovery, I lost the ability to believe the lies I told myself to temporarily
feel better about the crappy situation I was in.

If your god is not an actual flesh-and-blood person, it is you projecting
yourself onto an inanimate object or intangible idea. I am not certain how it
helps to do that sort of ventriloquism act, but apparently it does for some
people. If you are that sort of person, a 12-step program might work for you.
But I don't think it has ever been proven to work better than any other type
of addiction recovery program, and the few studies that have been done
generally support that hypothesis.

I am not a psychologist, but I don't think it is healthy to form intentional
communities around a single commonality that is regarded by the group to be a
critical and unrepairable flaw, and cement them together with quasi-religious
traditions and proselytizing. But everyone is free to address their own
problems in whatever manner they see fit. Veterans of 12-step programs will be
certain to tell you that it worked for them, _because that is the 12th step_.
They will not tell you that it is not based on evidence, only that it worked
for the people that it worked for. It doesn't really matter, if you can make
some new friends there.

You can deceive yourself into believing that your self-deception is not self-
deception. You can also beat yourself at chess. What is the point?

~~~
vanderreeah
The point is to effect a separation from self-harming habits that are far more
dangerous to your general well-being than believing that "inanimate objects or
intangible ideas" may be interconnected in ways our small perspective on the
world is unable to perceive.

------
colecut
In 2009 @ 24, I quit my job in Louisiana to move to San Diego and live with a
girl I sort of knew. Had no other contacts or job prospects in SD. Ended up
knocking her up my first month in town. (This was quite the wreckless time for
me =p)

Spend 4 months looking for EE or Web Dev work (I had a Bachelors in EE but no
experience), finally settled on a job at Radioshack just to have SOME income.
I got to experience working Black Friday in my first two weeks.

Kept applying for less crap jobs and within another month got a position with
a Xerox sales company as IT Helpdesk, starting at 36K salary. Did that the
best I could, also started automating several of the company reports and ended
up shifting myself to the only development position in the company. Pay rose
quickly.

Stayed there for years, did well, and by 2012, somehow, I was able to mortgage
a house in San Diego.

The house has surged in value, I now have a 6 figure job, and an amazing 7
year old son. I wake up super grateful for everything I have now and the
experiences that developed my appreciation.

I hope to never relive the shame / guilt / fear that consumed me in 2009.

~~~
flachsechs
most people don't talk about how they made peanuts in an entry-level tech job
for years, but it's more common than you may think. that first few years of
experience is a brutal battle every single day.

this is basically one of the best possible outcomes involving life in
california, so congrats.

~~~
RUG3Y
I started by manually QA testing pos systems and mobile apps for a company at
$11 an hour. I did that for a few years while teaching myself to code. Now I'm
doing ok somewhere else, but it took a layoff to push me there.

------
jamisonbryant
I was home-schooled as a child, which made me intellectually advanced but
socially inept. When I got to college, the myriad of social experiences to be
had quickly led me astray. I think I actually went to class no more than a
dozen times my first semester, and I think I sat an exam exactly once.

After that I dropped out and moved back home, choosing to attend community
college for a while. Unfortunately I would repeat the experience one more time
at a different university before finally getting my head screwed on straight
and my priorities in order. It was at about this time that I was also
diagnosed with clinical depression and began to get treatment for it, which
helped immensely.

Home-schooling was an interesting experience that has given me many
advantages, but it is not one I recommend to anyone because it also
beleaguered my foray into the real world in a way that has had and will
continue to have lasting negative consequences to this day.

~~~
bicx
I was also homeschooled, and it turned out pretty well for me, but knew people
who had negative experiences. I think the main pro and con of homeschooling is
that the parents have full control. As a parent, you can help your child
advance beyond the academics of normal schooling, but you are also responsible
for a holistic upbringing that includes social activities. Luckily in my area,
there were a lot of homeschooled kids who got together a good bit, and later
on in high school, I got a job that exposed me to a lot of the other things in
life.

------
rckbtmthrowaway
I started a company with someone a few years ago. The company we create raised
600K over a period of 3 years from non-institutional investors. The company we
created was actually making money (~450K in revenue in a single year with 2 FT
and 1 PT employee)

Anyways fast forward 3 years, I come to find out that my business partner had
been paying himself 450K/year (instead of the 125K he told me about), he
drained our bank account, sent out fake financials to investors, bounced
employee paychecks, told me he was paying my taxes (I was W2, but he spent
them) and took out 150K in loans again the company to keep everything going so
he could continue with his bullshit lies. In the end, between the taxes he
stole from me, and back salary I was promised --- he owes me a total of ~80K +
interest for a few years.

All of the employees resigned, and subsequently started a consulting firm that
has been doing extremely well for many years now.

Needless to say, rock bottom was finding out someone stole 80K from you and
your company was failing because your business partner is mini Madoff.

~~~
justboxing
> I come to find out that my business partner had been paying himself
> 450K/year (instead of the 125K he told me about), he drained our bank
> account, sent out fake financials to investors, bounced employee paychecks,
> told me he was paying my taxes (I was W2, but he spent them) and took out
> 150K in loans again the company to keep everything going so he could
> continue with his bullshit lies.

That's alarming. How did you meet / find your Business Partner? Did you vet
him?

~~~
rckbtmthrowaway
I met him at a meet up initially, he went to a Ivy League B-school and I met
many of his friends and family (wife, kids, father-in-law) over the years
before all of this shit came out.

Since his friends and family invested in this company, I figured that he had
skin in the game so I let my guard down, turns out he fucked them over too.

~~~
otakucode
White collar crime is normalized in the upper class. It does more economic
damage and kills more people each year than street crime, and has for decades,
but it is rarely and lightly punished. By any measure, it is considered
'normal' behavior in those circles. Let me guess - he's not in jail and he's
doing alright now, isn't he? Doubtlessly scamming someone else now.

~~~
rckbtmthrowaway
yep, he is doing just great, never spent a single day in jail, and the head of
a christian group at his church. he does a lot of entrepreneurial + faith
workshops

I have been wondering if i can legally publicly out him without him trying to
sue me

~~~
otakucode
Truth can not be libel.

------
tinbad
Not really a story of a comeback but growing up in communist Russia the
battles were all about surviving the day to day basics: getting food/clothes,
taking care of family members, but most importantly not having any chance to
do anything creative or work on something and knowing that there will be some
sort of return.

Experiencing this early on in life definitely made me a lot more appreciative
of all the opportunity one has growing up in a country like the US.
Opportunity to be able to do whatever you want, learn whatever you like, live
however you want...

~~~
serg_chernata
Same here, though I grew up in post-soviet Ukraine. Looking back, I think it
was rather fortunate that I had a chance to grow into my early teens in
Ukraine before moving to the US. Got a really good understanding of how
different life can be.

------
tombert
About a year and a half ago, I was on the verge of bankruptcy; the company I
had worked for went bankrupt, costing me my last three paychecks, I had no job
offers on the table, and after about a month of looking for a job with almost
no money, I became behind in rent and my landlord drafted a lawsuit against me
to sue me for back rent. I pay for my wife's school, but I had to ask her to
take a semester off because I had no money in my name, and my credit card was
maxed out.

All of this was exacerbated by the fact that I had to fly to Seattle for an
interview with Amazon, and even though they reimbursed me for expenses, I
didn't have even have enough money in my bank account to pay the pre-charge on
the hotel they got me, and had to lie to the hotel staff and claim that my
credit card got stolen at the airport.

I was incredibly depressed at this point, so I swallowed my pride and asked my
father-in-law for a loan to pay my back rent, and eventually found a new job
that I've been at ever since. I quickly paid back my father in law, and
slightly-less-quickly paid off my credit card. I now keep my balance on my
card incredibly low, to the point where it's now basically a glorified debit
card. I also started paying half my rent every two weeks (synchronized with my
paycheck), instead of the lump sum at the end of the month, since I realized
it makes it a lot easier to budget when you do that.

That was a rough time for me, but there was a bit of good that came out of it;
I finally learned how important it was to manage and save money properly, and
to stay ahead of bills before they get the chance to pile up.

------
madman2890
I was pretty deep into drugs at 21, watched my longest standing friendship
pass by from an overdose, and was spiraling out of control. My parents put me
in rehab, moved home, and started self teaching computer science from C to
python at 22. Landed my first internship gig at 23 after showcasing a few of
my self directed projects from web scraping large amounts of data to power a
web app to computer vision and I am now a lead data scientist at 27.

------
top256
At some point in my life, I had the roof of my appartment literally fell on
me, lost my job and my girlfriend... Thanks to some friends and family I did
not become homeless but I was inches of that. Now I have a company that did
pretty well (bootstrapped) and now I'm building a new startup. I have one kid
and I own my appartment.

~~~
koolba
Did you sue the owner of the apartment? That'd be my first act if a roof
"literally fell" upon me.

Also, was your girlfriend in the apartment at the time? ie was the loss
related to the collapsed roof or did one of you leave the other?

~~~
occultist_throw
I've been wronged as well when poor. You can't be made whole through the legal
system if you don't have money.

------
callitacomeback
College: tried to kill myself freshman year. Dropped out for 1.5 years.

Came back, first-author on an important paper in a top-tier journal as an
undergrad, gone through a series of machine learning research jobs (I've
worked on thing you've used). I've got a great group of friends and am living
well.

The two years off entailed a lot of time working as an outdoor educator, plus
heavy duty psychotherapy and lots of medication. Got off the medication a
couple years after I went back.

Turns out that building trusting and warm relationships and figuring out how
to connect and care for others is really really important? I think the suicide
attempt stemmed largely from not being able to adjust to having friends that
cared about me as a person. I've spent a lot of time recovering the ability to
trust.

~~~
eli_gottlieb
Any chance we could talk about how you unfuck bad times from undergrad to move
forwards in a research career?

------
kavakavabb
Had a psychotic episode 3 years into engineering program. Moved back home and
worked overnights at 7-Eleven. Spent all of the money on drugs + booze. Had no
plans to change, didn't care because of the drugs + meds.

Quit the job and became more or less NEET. Rock bottom was when I interviewed
at a coffee chain - the manager asked me "Where do you see yourself in five
years?". I literally could not answer and that scared me. Went home and put my
phone through the wall - I was so frustrated with myself that I turned down
the slam-dunk barista job.

A friend called me up and gave me the opportunity that changed my life. He
offered me a dev job at a small startup - I didn't have any work history or
portfolio so he could only offer me minimum wage but I could work remotely.

Because of that job I was able to save up enough money to leave home & re-
enroll in school, this time in the CS program. Finished the program in 2 years
with straight As. Worked at a few startups and now I am consulting with
friends and loving life.

I still struggle with addiction and mental illness but I'm in a much better
place. I was lucky to have someone reach out to me when I was at my worst.

~~~
hfsktr
"Where do you see yourself in five years?"

I have never had an answer to that question. I am sure this varies by person
but is that a terrible thing or a sign that something is wrong?

I have made radical and life-altering changes in the last year and I can see
how bad my life had gotten but I still have no answer for the question about
what I would like to be doing professionally in 5 years time.

~~~
twelve40
I have an answer to that question : ) In 5 years, I want to save up and retire
from the goddamn rat race, like Mr Money Mustache. It's probably not what
every hiring manager wants to hear, but it's the truth!

~~~
RUG3Y
I want that too. Any ideas about how to do that without a lot of extra income?
Moustache guy has great ideas for people who make a lot of money.

------
jetti
At 17 I had a psychotic breakdown and was diagnosed with Schizoaffective
disorder. I broke down and told the school counselor about the "bad thoughts"
I was having (suicidal and homicidal) and was suspended. I had to miss a month
or so of my senior year because I was doing an outpatient program. I lost most
of my friends and ended up losing the chance to go to the college I was
accepted at in one a relatively exclusive part of the college (James Madison
College at Michigan State). But that was just the beginning. Because of the
medicine I was put on and the lack of gym class after graduating I gained
about 150 lbs in the span of a couple months. I had always been underweight
(6' 3" and ~145 lbs) despite eating a lot because I was very active. That all
changed.

I ended up going to a community college and attempted suicide, twice. The
first time was serious attempt trying to OD on Klonipin. I spent about a week
inpatient at that time at the local psychiatric ward. The second time I tried
to overdose on Tylenol. I don't recall letting anybody know about that so I
didn't have to go to the hospital.

Fast forward to today. I'm a software developer (which is a far cry from the
International Relations degree I originally wanted) and married. I still have
homicidal thoughts and visions but overall the medicine I'm on helps greatly.
I'm married to an amazing woman and really enjoy my life.

------
bdamm
Final year of college. Developed a serious pot habit that was converting my
"A" transcript into a "D" senior year. Student loans failed to materialize. I
was living in a shit house with miserable people. Completely out of money, I
searched under every cushion, every sheet of paper, in the bottom of every
box, to scrape together $8 which was enough to buy a pack of cigarettes. The
next day I went to the student aid office and pleaded with them for money.
They gave me $500. I was able to get through the hurdles to get the student
loans on track. I thought this was the end of needing help, but in truth, it
was barely the beginning.

Then about 7 or 8 years of barely holding it together followed. Looking back,
this is the greatest regret of my life. That at that time, in my darkest day,
absolutely penniless as I walked away from the convenience store counter with
nothing but consumable goods in my life, I did not at that time reach out for
real help such as a 12-step recovery program.

I was lucky enough to meet a good woman with plenty of her own problems but a
good woman nonetheless. We had a child together, and through that experience I
came to realize how much I needed to go and get that help. I did - started
going to 12-step programs and found a source of immense support and love and
fellowship that sustains me to this day.

The work has only begun. But life has tremendous opportunity.

------
thiagooffm
I've grew up in a very poor neighbor in a third-world country called Brazil,
which also got plenty of opportunities and is beautiful. I would argue that
I've started rock bottom, but never hit it, by my choices, which sightly
better as my whole life, things just improved.

My mom had me very early in life, perhaps 21. My dad worked very hard, I
almost never saw him. Meanwhile he managed to get me in an average school and
made sure I studied English, which at a time was gamble as not much people
believe things would turn out that well for somebody so low-class. When I was
around 10 I started making websites, from then and on, I made a bunch of
money, studied computer science, worked in a few jobs and moved to Germany
with 26. I've worked very hard to get here.

Nowadays I don't care so much about it, because while I succeeded, I saw how
much people are left behind as most of it is about luck. There's a lot of
people which had more effort than me but got less, just because they went in a
not so good direction, for instance, humanities. And those people also deserve
something. Everyone deserves a good life and I think it's better to try to
defend those who are in need, rather than keep scaling things up forever,
until I'm in the top of the world and thinking that I'm the best, when all I
did was to neglect everyone.

Nowadays, even though I'm not a dad, I think it's more important being a great
dad and partner(unlike Elon Musk) than being himself and being the CEO of
multiple companies.

If people looked around before trying to move up, life wouldn't be hard for so
many.

~~~
mapster
this is a great reflection. thank you for sharing this.

------
Macsenour
I came back to CA for a job. I quit after 3 weeks when I was told that a big
part of my job was to lie to the employees about their paychecks being secure.

I took a part time contract but it was cancelled in 2008 do to the economic
downturn. I couldn't find work. I moved all my stuff into storage and lived in
my car.

I now own a home in Oakland with a great job at a great company.

~~~
otakucode
Congrats on quitting that job after 3 weeks. I am always disgusted when people
do terrible things while employed and write it off as "I was just doing my
job." "Just doing my job" is EXACTLY IDENTICAL to "I just did it for money."
For some reason we see the two differently, but there is no difference.
Quitting or turning down a job on moral grounds gives you an ability to look
yourself in the mirror and say 'I am not making the world a worse place' and
an unfortunate few people can do that.

~~~
devdas
"Just doing my job" is the same as "I was just following orders".

~~~
otakucode
I think there is a bit of a difference, just because the only reason one has a
job, ostensibly, is to get money so one can feed themselves and others.
Usually signing up with a military has more to it. But, even in those cases,
the US Soldier's Oath I know explicitly includes an oath to never follow an
illegal order. And we found out during the Nuremberg Trials just how dangerous
it is when people put their head down and say 'just following orders'. Every
human being is given the ability to control their own actions, and that
responsibility can never (OK almost never, humans are complicated, one might
argue soldiers that are trained to the point of killing on reflex and who then
get PTSD from seeing their body do something their conscious mind would never
permit before it can intervene might have a case) be given up.

~~~
pbhjpbhj
The people who genuinely "were just following orders" in WWII would probably
be shot for disobeying those orders and then their families treated as if they
had been traitors.

That's a lot more pressure to conform than losing a job.

------
gxs
Grew up in the hood. Shitty grades until high school.

Went to university, killed it.

Transferred to top tier university - 20 years old.

Story changes here:

 _Family history of depression; mine starts to surface

_ Academically competitive environment, I got by before just winging it, now
everyone was smart AND worked hard

 _Met girl at new university, was completely smitten. She broke up with me and
moved away since she was a year older. This accelerated depression.

_ School got mad, took away financial aid, including loans. This coupled with
the top was devastating.

 _While I was busy with gf and being shitty at school, never actually made new
friends, was terribly lonelly. Exacerbated depression.

_ School kicked me out. Depressed, broke af, heartbroken, no friends, and felt
like I was stupid because I couldn't compete at school.

\---

 _Got a job as a server at a restaurant, made friends with people my age.
Started getting money and feeling better.

_ Got a 2nd job at an analytics company, after my interview turns out I wasn't
a complete idiot. Got good experience and more money.

 _Started taking classes, this time with a chip on my shoulder due to being
poor and not groomed to be a good student. Killed it.

_ Came back to Uni, killed it.

 _Applied to over 100 jobs, got an offer as a contractor at a tech company for
15 /hr, while they charged 50/hr. More chips on my shoulder.

_6 months later spoke to director and got FTE status with an 80k salary.

*Kept doing my best, 3 years later I'm a PM at a top company making >170k a year.

\---

Left out lots of highlights but that's more or less my story.

------
socialmediaisbs
Fortunately (?) I have more than one. The first one I wrote about in my book,
"Social Media is Bullshit." So if you want to hear about that one, I'll send
you (or anyone reading this) a free .pdf copy and you can get that story:
Bj@bjmendelson.com

Here's the other one: I almost died. It was July of 2013 and I was laid up in
a NYC hospital for over a week after a near fatal heart attack almost took me
out. All of my work, writing, consulting, speaking, all ground to a halt. (I
even missed doing a Tedx talk. I know it's not the same thing as a TED talk,
but still. It sucked.)

I wouldn't be able to work again for months while I recovered. By the time I
got back up to speed, I had no money in my bank account and most of the places
I was getting work from had dried up. The good thing about working in
marketing is that there is plenty of work. The bad thing is that you're easily
replaceable.

So, I started a new project involving building a hand built wire service for a
tech company (because places like CISION are overpriced), and then I started
advising tech companies exclusively when it came to doing PR without spending
a ton of money. The work and word of mouth spread, and I was back at it almost
a year later.

So, it's possible to start (or restart) with virtually nothing. The trick is
getting to know as many people as you can and making sure you're regularly
VISIBLE to those people. So even if you do go away for a while, you can easily
remind them that you exist.

~~~
rblion
Interested in your book because I too think social media is bullshit.

thanks for the hope! I feel major momentum shift coming in my life, building
up a lot of good habits right now and letting go of the past little by little

------
bherms
All started around 19 years old. My grandfather and grandmother passed away
and they were basically like parents to me, especially my grandfather as I
don't know my real dad and my moms husband was a psychopath. I've never been
closer to a person and it really shook me (to be honest I still haven't really
confronted the fact he's done, and it's been 12 years). A few months after
their deaths (they died very close together after battles with cancer), I got
a girl pregnant on spring break. Fell in love, tried to make long distance
work (me in Indiana, her in Georgia). Eventually she left me without
explanation. I did everything I could to be a part of her life and make sure I
was there for the baby. She had the baby, it turned out to not be mine.

What followed was depression, alcoholism, contemplating suicide daily, etc...
failed out of college 3 times, lost my full ride scholarship, got kicked out
of Air Force ROTC, took on $180,000 in debt to the govt, got evicted from my
house and sued for rent... Moved in with mom, who also got evicted shortly
thereafter (her life is/was a mess at the time too). Was unemployed, got my
car repossessed, had nowhere to live. Had negative $1000 in my checking
account, $10,000 of credit card debt, and no visible way out.

Basically charmed my way into a web developer position as a last resort to try
to get some cash. Made $15/hour with no benefits, slowly taught myself to code
(I had a little background in it and had studied computer engineering until
failing out). Eventually used the web developer position to move up a bit to
making $40k/yr with benefits (this is in the midwest). Decided to move to SF
to hopefully make it big and somehow landed a 6 figure position without much
effort. Worked at that small startup for a year, went under, moved to a much
bigger company that had just gotten acquired. Started a company with a friend.
Raised nearly $50m. Company is still going strong, I've moved on to senior
engineering positions at other top bay area startups and have recruiters up my
ass daily. Probably will start another company in the future. 31 years old
now. Can't believe how far I've come in the last 10 years. To be honest I'm
not really sure how I got here as it seems surreal, but I guess the message is
don't give up. You can get through anything as long as you don't call it
quits.

------
SurrealSoul
I had a pretty crap job working as a "rockstar developer" for a company. Where
I was responsible for 100% of all development work, 6am to 9pm type job paying
me the same amount that I made in college before I received my degree. I had
no car and the paychecks they gave me wouldn't be enough to afford a new one.

I quit that job after a year and had to find new employment. I landed a pretty
great job after 3 months, but it took another month to receive my first
paycheck. I'll never forget having $30 and buying dinner for two without
realizing it, leaving me with $7 in my bank account that needed to last me 5
days.

My first paycheck was twice as large as the ones I was receiving at my
previous job, the next dinner for two was much nicer than chicken wings.

~~~
baron816
I'm interested to know how you survived for 5 days with $7 to your name.

~~~
bri3d
If rent isn't due and you have a means of transport (bus pass, car with tank
of gas, etc.), it's pretty easy to go through 5 days in the middle of a month
on just $7. And if you have a full pantry at home, $0. Obviously this only
works if you have a paycheck coming, but it's not uncommon by any means.

~~~
baron816
> you have a full pantry at home

Oh, that's not so special.

~~~
SurrealSoul
Yeah, I just bought two frozen pizzas and that carried me through till the
paycheck, sorry to dramatize it up a little bit

------
eli_gottlieb
I don't think I've ever truly hit _rock bottom_ , but I've definitely had some
pretty shitty periods of my life. In fact, right now, I'd call this one of
them.

Doing the best I can about that, but not really sure that's enough or that I'm
really taking _every_ possible action I can.

~~~
logfromblammo
Same here. I have never hit rock bottom, but I have touched a muddy bottom
quite a few times, as I keep getting shoved back into it by laughing dry
people, up on the shore, wielding their 10' poles.

The solution was to trudge downstream a bit and climb out in the shallows.

I still harbor a lot of bitterness, mistrust, cynicism, and hostility, but I'm
doing my best to just walk away from it. The current political climate in the
US is _definitely not helping_.

~~~
3131s
Same here. I have a lot of bitterness that is partially based on real things
that happened to me, but moreso a vague existential feeling of being totally
out of alignment with the cultures that I've lived in. Around 4 years ago I
was really close to ending it all and had been putting myself in extremely
dangerous situations to make money, so in desperation I booked a plane ticket
and have only returned to the US once since then. I spent far too much of the
last few years holed up in a tiny apartment in the 3rd world smoking weed and
waiting for the apocalypse, but that's better than what I was doing in the US!
Now I'm actually starting to have success as a freelance software developer,
but some of the old feeling of malaise still persists. But, I do have a lot to
be grateful for, so now that I've kicked most of my addictions I think I can
move forward by focusing on those things.

------
hnrowaway
Socially messed up kid: Born to immigrant parents. Nice parents. But they'd
messed up relation and health issues. Difficult to understand and express
human values in life.

Gifted : slightly, was amongst top students graduated in a decent school.

Underweight : Im now 40 but resemble 25-30. Malnutrition in childhood and my
own bad food habits.

Bad habits: many - at age 30 went down from 65 to 50 kilos and survived.
Haven't drank or smoked for a decade. Decent workouts in a week, weighs close
to 80 kilos with slightly good built and I am a cm short of 6 feet.

Shitty jobs: After graduation I took one after another shitty job with big
brands. Poor kid who had little access to money while growing up - never had a
car at home while growing up. So I think went wrong with money and habits. Few
patents at end of age 30 though.

Unemployment: have been part of couple of mass layoffs. No salary for last
year or so. Have burnt out my savings.

However I am doing alright. I had to take my food, workout, prayers, family
and work seriously. I cannot thank my wife enough.

I am living a little dream now. Working on my own startup.

And I ask to myself - why didn't I try doing this work earlier ? And a little
bird chirps outside my window.

------
onetwotree
I got massively addicted to drugs and alcohol in college. Flunked out and
bounced around through various stages of homelessness and unemployment,
putting my programming skills to use to score a few bucks when I could stay
sober long enough, then typically getting fired. I spent most of my 20s
falling to deeper and deeper bottoms before I started to take recovery
seriously. I finally "got it" by diving head first into 12-step programs (not
for everyone, YMMV, etc).

Tomorrow I'll have 3 years clean and sober. I have a sick job (even by HN
standards), wonderful relationships, more money than I know what to do with, a
credit score that's slowly recovering, friends who actually give a fuck about
me, and all that good stuff that I think a lot of us take for granted.

Recovery works, folks.

~~~
taylorswift_
Congrats on 3 years! If I don't pick up a drink by Jan I'll have two years
myself.

At the end of my twenties the floor literally dropped out from under me. I had
a good job as a software dev at fairly large media company, had nice
apartment, ambitions etc. But I had deep dark secrets that I kept hidden and
throughout my twenties I drank and used drugs (coke/pills) over. I considered
my upbringing to be pretty normal in a middle-class neighborhood on the West
Cost, and I started drinking and partying in high school like everyone else.
However I found myself drinking progressively more towards the end of my
twenties and no longer a party it was more to cope with stress, anxiety, and
life in general.

I ended up losing multiple high-paying jobs, flying around the country trying
to restart, going to about 6 rehabs in ~2 years, losing my mind, losing all
hope, wanting to die. I almost died a few separate times from acute alcohol
withdrawal. I was fired from one job with an internationally recognized media
company the morning after I had seizures from coming off alcohol in a rehab.
It got to the point where every time I drank alcohol, I ended up detoxing in a
hospital. Finally somewhere in that dark period I was able to get honest with
a therapist for the first time in my life about some sexual abuse that had
happened when I was younger, and about the other addictions like pornography
that plagued my life in my twenties. I got sober for 1.5 years and relapsed
one more time, this time it was the final wake up call I needed.

Fast forward and I'm the ceo of a startup company prepping to launch an
amazing product, I've been a successful consultant helping build another
product that is currently in operational use processing millions of dollars in
financial transactions, I feel completely resurrected in mind, body and soul.
I have a mens meeting I go to weekly, I go to AA, I workout 4-5 days a week, I
eat healthier than ever in my life, and I get regular sleep.

The urge to drink or use drugs has completely left my body and mind. I have
traveled all over, spent some of the best time with my friends and family,
started my life in a new city, made amends, and found tools to help deal with
life on lifes terms.

I hated 12 steps and tried everything possible including drinking to work
around it but in the end I'm thankful it's there and I go to meetings
regularly.

The most shocking thing to me now is both when I think about how far I've
come, and how lucky I am to be alive.

No one ever tells you when you're young that you can live a perfectly normal,
fulfilling, and happy life without using drugs or alcohol!

Congrats again and thanks for your share.

~~~
rblion
thanks for the hope because I can completely relate.

So glad I asked this question here, I have no reason to feel like a fuck up
because there is still time to change. I am 27 and improving each
day/week/month, I just get hung up on 'what if' sometimes.

this whole thread is helping me a lot

------
yardie
The job I wanted was rescinded at the last moment. With no apartment, no job,
and no future prospects I bought a plane ticket and went traveling. While some
people enjoying DNing (digital nomad) it was liberating to call Verizon tell
them to cancel my contract and drop my phone in the bin at the airport. If you
have your youth and health things can only go up.

This advice has way more exceptions once a spouse and kids are a concern.

------
codingdave
I think everyone is going to have a different definition of 'rock bottom'.
Unemployed and broke is rock bottom for some people. You'd have to add on
homeless for others. And then there are yet others who also have no family and
friends for support. And still others who came also pile addictions on top of
it all. And some of that group don't have tech skills to pull themselves back
up.

For me, the worst I've ever hit is unemployed and broke. So I got a job. And
then was wealthy, but unhealthy. So I'm working back towards unemployed and
broke. I haven't figured out the comeback part yet, but hopefully will get
there before I figure out the rock bottom bit.

------
akulbe
I have a story, but I haven't made it public. Someone recommended to me that I
do just that, but the idea scares the hell out of me. Part of me feels like
it'd be career suicide if I went public.

~~~
JosephRedfern
Could you not do so anonymously?

~~~
gcatalfamo
it is likely that several story details would lead to him/her being recognized

------
brndnmtthws
Multiple times. My stories aren't very interesting, so I'll spare you the
details, but I will say this: things always get better. When things are tough,
hang in there, and be sure to talk to people about it. These are also the
times when you learn which people are actually your friends.

~~~
zokier
> things always get better

I understand that you are trying to be comforting and all that, but sadly
things do not always get better.

~~~
brndnmtthws
Fair enough, I'm speaking based on my experiences and that of people I've
known.

------
throwawayrock
I was studying a degree I hated (a field of eng I had chosen only because the
scholarship afforded me to study), I was failing more classes than I passed (I
hated this the most as I was previously an overachiever), I was losing
relationships, I had nothing to look forward to in my opinion. I thought about
seriously ending it 3-5 times a day, often visiting the place I planned to do
it.

It cumulated in a breakdown in 3rd year. A very understanding friend realised
what I was going through and printed off every course our university offered.
She highlighted the ones she thought I would be amazing at, and told me to
just study what I enjoyed and the rest would follow. I chose computer science.
I was very poor for a while, but I started making websites for fun, went well
at uni and had more confidence in myself. Got an internship with a great
startup and learned so much.

Cut to now, I'm a year out of uni and am a senior dev at a larger company, in
a great relationship and really enjoy my life. I still work really hard not to
fall into old destructive patterns, but I've definitely come a long way.
Coming from rock bottom really shows you what you can shed, what really
matters in life (doing what you love and loving the people in your life).

~~~
HD134606c
Cool story. What was the original field of engineering if you don't mind me
asking?

------
throw_punk14
I dropped out of school at 15 with no significant paperwork and ended up
cleaning toilets and operating rooms at my local hospital for several years;
and it sucked.

All I've learned is that, really regardless of what's going on in your life,
if you have any reasonable skill/experience in our industry then rock bottom
doesn't really apply to us like it does to others. These days the worst thing
that would happen would be falling back to a a 6 figure permie salary
somewhere doing some boring work.

There is no easy way to 'make it'; I can't speak for those who started out in
our industry with a good education an an internship, but in my experience if
you're capable, willing to do the bullshit work (years of datacentre work,
helldesk, miserable corp ops etc) things will eventually happen. Move around.
Get involved in projects. I'm always happy to pull people forwards in their
careers.

Lots of people will call themselves lucky (certainly, I consider myself
fortunate to have been given the opportunities which helped me escape such a
life) but I think that's not really the full story. There's always a comeback,
and there's always going to be a basic living available to you if you have our
kind of skills.

------
SubiculumCode
I was raised very poor in a small rural neighborhood of dirt and chicken coops
among even poorer immigrant farm workers. Now I comment on HN.

------
TxThrowaway
The journey has been more personal rather than professional, but felt inclined
to share since I've been thinking about it a lot the past few days. It's
probably not the biggest comeback facing huge obstacles, but it's important to
me. Being a minority and growing up in a state with pretty low diversity, I
always struggled with my identity and who I was. Looking back at my life, I
see the signs of depression starting around when I was in college, but never
really thought much about it. "I" couldn't be depressed, after all, it was
always those middle aged guys whose lives were a mess, right?

I moved to Texas, alone, starting my new career with a freshly minted CS
degree from a good university. Around 2009, economy was still recovering,
couldn't find a job anywhere else. I never thought I'd end up in TX, but the
oil economy and the growing healthcare industries made it easy to get a job...
I jumped at the first offer I got after 4 months of looking and doing
freelancing to pay bills.

It was strange, being surrounded by a lively city and people, but feeling so
disconnected from everyone and everything around you. Met an awesome girl at a
wedding, fell in love, and had some family I'd visit every month or so with
nieces who adored me. Probably the only two things good in my life, everything
else just seemed like a rut.

Moved into long distance relationship, started working my ass off at a new
company, and my life just slipped away. Fell into a deep depression (never
diagnosed, but I can see it looking back now). Girl eventually called it off,
because of cultural differences even though we were in love, which was a
blessing in disguise. Got screwed over at work, and ended up leaving and I
guess that was 'rock-bottom'. I didn't have anything really left in my life
that made sense.

The strange thing is while going through it, I never thought I was depressed.
I remember interviewing at a company, feeling pretty good about things, but
walking along the parking garages on the 10th story, standing at the ledge and
thinking if I should jump head first or foot first. And then I realized that
they weren't just thoughts, but impulses. I think there were a dozen more
different instances, where I was putting myself in unnecessary risk just to
feel alive, and maybe die. "I" didn't want to live with "myself" anymore,
whatever that meant.

Ended up a really bad case of bronchitis and a dry cough, and had a new job at
this point (same job I almost threw myself off the parking garage, right after
the interview.. wtf, brain). Had a really good supervisor, told me to take the
day off and got the urgent care. Ended up getting a big ol bottle of Tussionex
(Hydrocodone).

So drugs are bad, right? Yeah, they are. But I learned something valuable
after taking way more than I should -- I realized that within me, I could
still be happy. For the first time in years, after feeling disconnected and
alone, I felt alive and happy. Sure, it was the drugs, but it was a liberating
feeling. I finished that bottle quickly, and crashed a little and felt like
shit afterwards... but my perspective changed. I knew it was possible for me
to be happy. And I knew that hydrocodone and drinking lean (I was in Texas
after all, where Lean originates from) was not who I wanted to be. I had the
foresight to cut that shit out of my life, and never have taken it again.

Around that time (2012), still depressed and struggling with identity, I think
it was on HN or Reddit, I heard about books that changed people's lives, and
on a whim, I read the "Power of Now". The author goes through the exact same
thing that I described, where he struggles with the "I" not being able to live
with "myself". It really changed my perspective. I took some time off work,
and went back to the Rockies where I was from. Spent some time hiking, and
just picking a direction and walking through long ass trails, completely
unprepared with just a few water bottles and energy bars. The strange thing is
that when I was lost in middle of wilderness, that's when I found myself.

I came back to Houston and begin a spiritual journey, really mediating and
reconnecting with my faith. I know that religion and faith doesn't get too
much love on the internet, but I didn't feel alone anymore. I had found
myself, and didn't need anything or anyone else. It's a feeling that's
impossible to put into words, because it transcends language, and must be felt
to be realized. I met new friends, and started smoking weed occasionally,
which was probably the final thing that really helped me get out of the rut,
and start building my life.

I really pushed myself, got a better job, met and married my lovely wife,
worked on my own startup and consulting for a year, and now working at another
startup. Sure, I may not be the best coder or hacker, but I feel life again in
what I do -- it's a relieving feeling to push myself every day, knowing that
it's not about what we accomplish it, but how we accomplish it. My job isn't
glamorous, but I'm content with where I'm at. Contentment is more of a compass
and direction guide, not a destination.

To anyone struggling with any difficulty and depression, know that you have
the strength within yourself to overcome and persevere. And don't be like me
and deal with this alone, seek help from others even if it's commenting online
in some random forum.

~~~
rblion
thanks for sharing, gives me hope to know that the path I'm on right now can
lead to a lot of unexpected blessings. I just need to ride out the storm
(literally, looking out my window right now) and keep on trucking.

I'm also a minority and know that feeling.

------
purplezooey
What's with all these stories of a younger age... if you screwed up at 17 or
25 it's unfortunate, but you have tons of life ahead of you to make it right
(and *everybody" screws up something in their 20s :) Let's hear the post
age-40 stories...

------
Mz
I had a health crisis that led to me running up about $50k in debt. I gave up
my car, later quit my corporate job for _reasons_ and went and lived in a tent
for 5 years, 8 months and one week. I paid down debt and developed a portable
income while living in a tent. Last week, I left California to move someplace
cheaper and got back into housing on Friday.

(HN already threw me a small party:
[https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=15205436](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=15205436)
but I figure not everyone has seen it.)

------
ct-dev
I'll try and simplify it by putting it in list form:

Found programming in middle school via TIBasic and graphing calculators,
became obsessed with it

Never did homework, barely passed any classes in HS, programming became solace

Tried community college, same problems with committing to work, same obsession
with programming and computers.

Parents had long since started to conflate my apathy towards education with my
obsession with computers straining our relationship until I stopped talking
with my father (who was a PhD from a 3rd world country, and thus couldn't
stand the idea of his son failing at education).

Still lived with my parents while my father and I refused to speak to each
other, so I went looking for a minimum wage job. I told myself it was to pay
to move out, but deep down I knew I was accepting a future of working in
retail for the rest of my life. I didn't feel there was anything shameful
about it, but at that point it triggered a sort of existential crisis when I
realized all my years of exploration with computers and all my knowledge was
about to go to waste.

I felt like I had no purpose in life if I was going to be forced to abandon
the one thing that I had a lived for since my early teens. Depression started
setting in and I started to feel like I was suffocating

Get a job at a major retail chain that everyone here probably knows. But miss
orientation because I wasn't organized (to simplify things) so embarrassed I
don't call back (or so I tell myself, actually relived internally)

That night I get upset, wallow in self-pity, then get aggravated. So
aggravated I decide I won't let my dream of programming for a living die.

Make a resume based on rejected I had done for free over the years for various
people, spam every single listing I can get my hands on.

Over the next week interview at 2 companies, lie about Android experience out
of desperation at one and accept an offer based on the lie.

Taught myself Android development inside and out every night and for 2 months.

Company didn't really have anything for me to do which was great for letting
me learn in my spare time, but not so great for my prospects so I offered to
replicate an app a contractor had failed to deliver on for several weeks.

I completed my recreation in a weekend, a few weeks later we find a show
stopping bug, and I spend 1 week of 12hr+ days working to find, but we do find
it (it was a custom Android image that had a watchdog that needed to be
configured correctly)

App ships, I go back to having little to do so I brush off the app and start
adding additional functionality. Also convert it to a white label application.

New application goes on to be our main Android product.

Solidify place at the company, start talking to my father once again, we
reconcile our differences, he's happy to see me succeed, I move out.

A year later I go to the retailer that I had missed orientation at and see one
of my apps running.

~~~
rblion
Nice story. So many great ones in this thread, just the boost I needed today.

------
wwweston
If you're looking for stories along these lines, I recommend Jeannette Walls'
memoir _The Glass Castle_. The author and one sibling arguably escaped a rock
bottom situation. Her parents (and one sibling) never did. It's a basis for
some pretty sobering reflection on the problems of alcoholism and the merits
of conscientiousness.

------
thrwwy13579
Probably not as rock bottom as many others here, but here goes.

I did well in school for most of my life and did coding since a young age.
Landed a job in a big tech company (hardware) right after college, for like
$50k base. Thought I was hot shit my entire life up until this point. After 2
years here, a friend of mine who got into the company with me at the same time
landed a software job in SF Bay Area for something like a 60% pay increase. I
thought hey I should be able to do the same. Other factors were in play too
but long story short I quit my job before landing a next one.

Months went by and I couldn't land a job. Thought about applying to retail
jobs but didn't pull the trigger. In the mean time, I got into a car accident
totalling my car. I wasn't seriously injured, but the car was one of the only
things I had, and I was also effectively home-bound and much harder to get to
interviews then. Then, my parents got divorced because of some of my actions
during this time (years of build-up too of course, but I triggered the
decision of it). Finally after a few months I landed a job doing web dev at a
friend's agency, but at very little pay (sub-$30k pay), since the agency
itself was struggling too. I was only hired because my friend insisted, as he
really wanted to help me out. Things were slightly better then. But soon after
that, the girl I was seeing at the time (not officially in relationship, or
even dating regularly really) died in a car accident.

At this point I did buy another car (a cheap one I could afford, with minimal
down payment and a loan). A few months later though, I would get into a
different car accident (minor one). It was my fault, and minor enough that
calling it in the car insurance was a bad idea and it was better to just pay
cash to the other party to settle it. At this point in time my bank account
was down to 3 digits, probably $600~700. And I was supposed to pay this guy
$1500 in 2 or 3 weeks. (I don't think I'm a bad driver, in fact, in the 15+
years I've been driving, these were just about the only accidents I had.) This
was when it was obvious I couldn't continue working in the web dev agency with
my friend. Fortunately this time I now had a year of actual professional web
dev experience on my belt, not just some unrelated hardware experience. I
landed a job quickly and this was the beginning of the comeback.

Long story short, the company I joined happened to become one of the
hypergrowth unicorns. The comeback part of this is less interesting than the
rock bottom part. A few years of hard work in, and I'm now a millionaire. Got
married to a great partner. Things are going well.

------
austenallred
Not sure if this is necessarily rock bottom, but:

I was running a VC-backed startup I dropped out of college to start at the
same time my wife was having our first baby. She had quite a few
complications, and, being a founder, we had crappy insurance. So we blew
through our meager savings incredibly quickly and started racking up debt.

The company I had started came down right to the wire with cash, but I was
still really confident; we had a big-name lead investor (billionaire, everyone
in the industry knew him very well), who was going to send a wire any day, and
millions more of investment piling on to that, so I'd be able to spend the
next few years growing the company and paying off the debt.

Until one day the billionaire backed out for no particular reason, and with no
warning. His assistant just called and said "We're out," wouldn't say why,
that was pretty much it. When other investors found out that he was out, they
scattered or turned on me. It was December 23, and I had to lay everyone off.

I went deep into personal debt to give our employees a little bit of severance
and make sure all of our contractors were whole, all the while my daughter is
just barely coming out of the hospital and bills keep racking up.

So I'm living in the middle of nowhere (the company was remote) with a wife
and sick newborn depending on me. I'm out of a job, with no particular skill
other than "being a founder," which apparently I suck at as well. All of our
investors are pissed at me, and I'm seriously wondering if I would ever have a
job again (one investor tells me he doubts I will ever match the $60k/yr
salary I was paying myself again). Everyone except my wife told me I was
stupid - for dropping out of school, for starting a company, etc. I distinctly
remembering driving by a guy picking up golf balls at the golf course and
thinking, "You know maybe I could do that and not mess it up." That was my
first glimmer of hope in a long time.

I had written some blog posts on user acquisition that had been popular, and
decided in a last-minute effort to turn them into a book. If people thought I
was a ne'er-do-well before, this confirmed it, and living in a small town the
rumors get back to you. At the same time I decided I wanted to get closer to
money (having a bad experience with a non-revenue-generating startup), get
closer to the best in startups (YC), and get to San Francisco.

I hustled until I miraculously found a job with a fantastic YC company, and
finished writing the book. The book not only sold enough to get us out of
debt, but to put an extra year of runway in our bank account. I then used that
cash to start another company (glutton for punishment), but one that was
profitable from day one this time.

Now: Just finished YC with that company, raised a few million to grow (not
because we needed to), and taking another stab at it, albeit with some serious
scar tissue. And my daughter just turned two and peed all over the floor
because we're "potty training"

------
gigatexal
There's a ton of inspiring stories here. Thanks for posting this.

~~~
rblion
i was just thinking the same thing, this was unexpected. i really needed this
today. I'll be replying for the rest of the day :)

------
nickcano
I don't know if this qualifies as rock bottom, but here goes.

As a baby, I was adopted by the mother of the man who was married to my
biological mother, and at the time thought to be my father, but wasn't my
father. Growing up, I knew this, and always had underlying issues relating to
the mess which enshrouded the ordeal; my parents being drug addicts, the
person who was thought to my father dying of an overdose, and a lot of other
stuff. I knew the whole story quite young. On top of this, the family put me
in the company of a handful siblings which were drug attics, whose actions
were quite clearly visible to me.

My adopted mother was in her mid 50's when she got me and my sister, at which
point her life should have been winding down, but she had been taking care of
her own kids from the age 17 until her mid 40's, and here were two kids again.
She was angry, and bitter, and while I could see why, she very aggressively,
even though she still denies and refuses to realize it, took that out on us.
It wasn't fair to us, but I think it's safe to say she was better than the
alternative (and she did quite literally save my life; I would have died of
pneumonia and meningitis at 3 months while sick and living in a car with my
drugged-out biological mother, and I apparently almost died anyways).

Anyways, going into our teens years, me and my sister grew farther and father
away from her. I and I alone remained close with my adopted dad, but it was
mostly because he kept quiet to prevent her verbally abusing him, as well.
Plus, he was always teaching me about electronics, woodworking, mechanics, and
the general skill of "building shit".

Around 13, my sister and I got in an argument with our mother, and she told us
she wished she'd never adopted us and that she couldn't wait for us to be
gone. So we left. I was gone for a week, staying with friends and sleeping a
night in a park before she picked me up from school. My sister, she fell in
with some bad people, got into some stuff, and ultimately ended up coming home
a week after me, telling the cops she wanted to kill herself, and got placed
in a mental hospital. She was there for 8 months or so, then moved to a group
home. After 4 or so months in the group home, my mom realized she could do the
same to me, so, come summer before highschool, she did.

I was an hour away from anything I knew, my sister, my only blood, being 3
hours in the other direction. It played quite hard emotionally; suicidal and
whatnot. I was only there a year, and saw far more tragic stories of kids left
behind by the world, and honestly it made me resent my family-mostly mother-
even more. These kids had terrible, terrible situations, and I was being
thrown in there because I wasn't wanted. Not out of necessity, as they were. I
remember, one time, the staff made my mom take me to a doctors appointment
because they were busy with the kids who belong there. The whole ride she
bitched and moaned, and I remember her once saying "this is their job, not
mine."

After the homes, we moved back with my mother, but she picked up, left
California, and moved to Tennessee with us. My dad, the parent, I was close
to, did not join us. A whole mess of shit happened after that, too, but
suffice to say the whole ordeal and the rebelliousness before it lead to grim
situations for us. As a kid, I was always good in school, top of my class, but
not since about a year before the home, and not after, either. I absorbed
myself in my computer at night, and when I wasn't asleep at school, I was
taking out my rage and angst on the teachers. I wasn't violent or anything,
just an angry, seething confused jackass of a kid out to prove the world
wrong; it didn't help that this school was full of unqualified teachers, that
just made me worse. From 8th grade to graduation, I had had 6 expulsions and
at least 200 days of suspension (most expulsions were a result of excessive
suspension). I failed almost every class I had. At one point, my mom had the
brilliant idea that this might be due to some form of retardation, so she had
me tested for special education (I obviously failed that test, just like all
of my classes). Throw in some teen pregnancies, abortions, and miscarriages
for some extra emotional issues (in retrospect, it was the best personal
outcome that none of those went to term, but doesn't change the emotional
damage they had).

By the end of it, I "graduated" with a 0.89 GPA. I still don't think it was
possible, but there were a small handful of amazing teachers that I'm sure
played some role. It was rare, but the competent teachers, the passionate
ones, I respected and they respected me, and I think they realized there were
a ton of issues, and thus pulled the strings on making sure I made it out.
Maybe not, I'm not sure.

Graduation came about a month after my 18th birthday, on which my mom
presented me with a lease agreement and asked me to sign it before having any
cake. She wanted $800 a months for rent and utilities. I happened to know her
rent of that four bedroom, of which I had the smallest room with no climate
control, was $800. I paid the first month with all the money I'd saved over
the years, but after that, I had nothing We got in a fight, so I moved out.

I lived in my car (the car she bought for me, but I took it, no other option
really) for a few weeks. Spent some time living with an ex girlfriend, also.
After about a month, I picked up and moved to Oklahoma to do freelance coding
work with a friend; those years absorbed in my online life had one good
outcome: I learned to code. That lasted for 4 months, but I was alone there
and miserable. Went back to Tennessee, lived with my ex girlfriend's family,
and got a job in a factory. The day after I knew I had the job, my online
business blew up overnight. I had been making bots for online games and
selling them. The income was in the low hundreds per year. But, one day, my
competitor closed up shop and I got all of his business; a surge of $2000 or
so on the first day and a couple thousand a month following. I worked in the
factory for 5 months, working 10 hours a day 7 days a week, not a single day
off. Whenever I wasn't there or sleeping, I was improving my bot. I quit in
May, interviewed for a programming job it Atlanta in June, and started that
job in July. After a year and a half, I got a security engineering role in
Silicon Valley, and took that. I had made connections along the way, and was
writing a Game Hacking book at the time, which is now finished. I worked there
for 3 years, then moved to another security company. I'm currently working
there from the comfort of my downtown condo in San Jose. Along the way, I
wrote my book, spoke at almost a dozen conferences, and started working on
some online classes for Pluralsight (currently in progress!). I'm 24 now. The
side business with my bot has been going the whole time; it's shutting down
sometime this year due to the game changing their client, but I'm okay with
that. It's made about half a million gross by now, and I'm extremely proud and
humbled by the experience.

Multiple times throughout this climb, and even now, I find myself confused
emotionally. It's extremely hard to be happy, or to smile. It's hard to have
any negative emotion besides anger. I can laugh and have fun, but I don't just
smile, I'm quick to anger like my mom was, and I'm never just in a ground
state of happiness. I find myself at times seeking pain because it's what I
knew, and this success is still new to me. When I was first in Georgia, I
realize I was trying to develop problems. I drank more than I cared to because
I wanted something to be wrong with me, etc. It's fucking weird. I hate my
personality and attitude now, but I shouldn't. I should be happy. I'm proud
and excited about the future, but for some reason not content.

Man, I know there are people who had it way worse than me. I lived with some
of them, and I know there are others in much worse situations (worm torn
countries and such), so I feel really selfish to call this rock-bottom, but it
was mine. I feel like it's wrong of me to think I came from some
astronomically shitty odds, knowing what the real odds are for a lot of
people, but I do. I don't know, I've never got to really share this story (and
there's a lot I'm leaving out for obvious reasons), but it feels nice to, and
I don't know why. I'm looking forward to now reading other people's stories.

P.S. don't tell me to see a therapist or something please, I'm not here
seeking advice, just wanted to share.

------
loopbit
A few times, although I'm not sure if it's rock bottom, even in my worst
moments I've always felt there was more to lose. Here's a couple of examples:

My dream in high school was to become a pilot. In my country the only
realistic way of becoming one was to first go through the air force. There's a
lot of challenges in becoming one, but to keep the story short, the main ones
are passing an opposed exam where thousands of people apply for only 5-6
places (we were ~50K people for 6 places the year I did it) and having perfect
health (and eyesight).

I passed, went through basic training and, before I was going to start pilot
training, we went through a second health screening. I passed the first one
with flying (heh!) colors but on the second one it was detected that I had
0.25 of myopia in one eye. Automatically thrown out of the air force I found
myself with no plans, no idea of what to do with my life and a major
depression.

My 'comeback' was slow: I went back to high school to go through the last year
again, went to uni to study computer science (I knew basic and very little
more, but was always very good at logic), started working, realizing that I
was actually good at it... It's been exactly 20 years (almost to the day)
since I lost my childhood dreams and I'm extremely happy with this career path
(probably happier than I would be in the other).

About the last comeback... let's say that I'm still on it.

In 2015 I was diagnosed with leukaemia. A couple of years before this I had
left my cosy job to create a startup and it was just beginning to lift off.
Basically this meant that I had no personal health care coverage, minimum
salary and no way for the company to keep paying me. I spent the next 10
months in the hospital, much of that time in isolation with no immune system
to speak of. Cancer is bad, but the treatment is no walk through the park
either. One of the nastiest side effects of chemotherapy is what is known as
"chemo brain". There's no way I can describe it accurately, but it's like a
fog that clouds everything having to do with memory and the thinking process.
I would try to read and hours would go by before I noticed I was still on the
same page. I would lose whole days to the point that I wouldn't know what day
it was, much less what time. Basically, I lost my mind and would be almost in
vegetative state for most of the day. One of the first things I had to do was
accepting that I probably wouldn't make it, sorted out as much as much
paperwork as I could and put in place a couple of worst case scenario options.

As for the comeback: About a year ago (1.5 years after this ordeal began) I
started working again, part time (I still have to go to the hospital every
week and take chemo tablets every day), in another startup (the one I founded
is still alive but slowly dying, my other partners let everyone go and now
only work on it during the weekends). I was upfront with the founders, told
them about my situation and the very real risk that I wouldn't be able to do
meaningful work. I even offered to start for free just to get me back on the
horse again (an offer they refused and insisted on paying me a decent salary
from the first day).

I'm still not at the level I was before all this started, still four months of
treatment to go and having real trouble accepting that I might actually
survive this after all (we'll see in five years time). Actually getting out of
the house and getting back to work have done marvels for my recovery.

The next steps for me are: \- Saving money for a mortgage: The apartment I was
renting was sold while I was in the hospital and that's a level of stress I
don't want to have again. By April-May next year my finances will have
recovered enough to start talking with banks. \- Get back in shape. I lost a
lot of weight and muscle mass during my time in the hospital and when I got
out I recovered the weight with a vengeance. I have to lose about 40 pounds
but have to be very careful with diets/exercise while on treatment.

------
mythrwy
I came into this world naked weighing like 7 pounds and I couldn't talk. I had
to rely on my mother for feeding, protection and getting around. It was a
pretty sorry state to be in.

But look at me now! I control my destiny. I manipulate my surroundings. I eat
what I want and I do what I want (for the most part).

But, I'm headed at top speed back to a rock bottom, much worse than depression
or drug addition or the like. I'm headed back to decomposition.

"Rock Bottom" is a matter of perspective see.

~~~
lordluisv
At least you remember those days I suffered from amnesia most of that time.

