
We Stopped Arguing About Chores After Making One Spreadsheet - allencheng
https://www.allencheng.com/we-stopped-arguing-about-chores-after-making-one-spreadsheet/
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scotty79
1\. There are no chores or obligations only things someone wants to get done.

2\. If you want something done that you personally don't want to do at the
moment you need to ask. Every time.

3\. Person asked has the right to refuse without any consequences or
resentment. If person asked refuses to do it, you need to do it yourself or
stop wanting it. If the person agrees and does what you wanted it's polite and
effortless to thank for it. If person does something that's beneficial for you
even though you didn't ask you should thank as well.

Those rules, even never openly stated, just distilled unilaterally by me
resulted in happy domestic life of 14 years between two good persons. Those
rules require no bookkeeping and promote positive interactions and instill
sense of individual freedom. They are extremely flexible. They adapt easily to
switching jobs, homes, schedules.

You don't regret how much you do around the house because it was either to
satisfy your own wants or a direct result of specific request you freely chose
to satisfy. You also don't resent that other people are doing so little
because they do that either because you didn't ask them or they refuse many of
your requests (in latter case, should you have that relationship?).

I believe it might be beneficial to apply those rules even to business
relationships.

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jobigoud
I think a factor in the success of your approach is that the two partners
should have more or less the same idea of tidiness. If one has more tolerance
than the other with say, seeing piles of clothes or plates accumulate, they
don't feel as concerned.

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scotty79
That or just acceptance that their levels of tidiness differ and awareness
that the tidier person will have to keep their environment tidier if he/she
keeps wanting it because that's only for his/her benefit.

Trouble pretty much always stems from thinking that your standards and wants
are or should be universal and ascribing them to other person.

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JoeAltmaier
We stopped arguing with a few simple rules:

    
    
      Everybody has their own chores. Fixed. No confusion
    
      Say thanks! each time you see a chore done. Everybody likes to be noticed.
    
      See a chore undone? Do it. Its easier to do it, than to complain about it.  Corollary: Complaining about a chore, makes it your chore this time.
    

So we went from fighting about who's doing what, to giving each other the
benefit of the doubt. Appreciating what everybody does. And sometimes doing a
kindness for another person, just because. (And getting thanked for it!)

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collyw
This wouldn't have worked in the shared appartment I lived in years ago. One
person in particular seemed to not do his own share of washing dishes. So
everyone else should do his dishes rather than complain? Seems a bit
backwards.

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JoeAltmaier
So how did complaining work out?

Anyway, notice the part about everybody doing _different_ chores. They dislike
dishes - work something out, they do something else.

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mntmoss
Whether it works or not depends on how much your relationship is built on
systematic, empirical decisions. Spreadsheets like this are hugely common in
larger communal living arrangements.

And there is a harsh quality to it, but I don't think the people knocking this
strategy fully appreciate the danger of a relationship built on illusions or
delusions. If you come to me saying "true love overcomes all" or somesuch I'd
be seriously concerned about gaslighting or codependency taking hold.

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alexandrerond
Chore assignment will become way easier after the divorce, towards which this
guy is clearly heading...

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tripzilch
Why do you suppose that is the case?

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sushid
Unless both partners are thrilled with the idea of logging their chore
completion timestamps on a spreadsheet (or weigh this against the cost of
resentment one will feel of the other person, as the author suggests), I think
it's going to lead to resentment.

It's like clocking in at work. Who the hell _wants_ to do that?

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JimTheMan
OR this spreadsheet will only lead to nitpicking and grief...

I can't think of any high functioning relationship that uses one. The fact
that people think they need one spells doom. It says, if only we had some kind
technical solution to what is clearly an interpersonal problem.

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brmgb
Anectotal evidence but the only time I fought regularly about chores in a long
term relationship, it only started in the fourth year of our common life and
clearly was a proxy for more deep seated and complicated issues with the
relationship.

I will hazard than most of the time when people really fight about chores, the
actual problem lies somewhere else.

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DeathArrow
You can also make an Agile team and assign chores in sprints. You can install
Jira to help keeping track.

Or you can just discuss and do them when needed.

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RobLach
This spreadsheet looks like a chore.

Open communication and mutual assistance is way better than some sort of favor
debt economy.

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Fjolsvith
When my spouse asks me to do something as a favor, I do it, then tell her it's
done and then tell her she doesn't owe me a favor because I love her.

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downerending
Over several marriages, I've developed this strategy: I do _all_ of the
chores.

In short order, a decent partner will start taking over a reasonable share.

If that doesn't happen, it's an excellent indicator of deeper problems that
will ultimately sink the relationship. Leave.

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DeathArrow
I wonder if there aren't chore counseling and consulting businesses.

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Fjolsvith
I outsource chores.

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sushid
You can't outsource chores right now (or shouldn't be able to) unless you have
a live-in maid with you.

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AtlasBarfed
... do you both work fulltime jobs?

... is exterior/yard work in the sheet?

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sushid
TL;DR create a complex agile-esque process for doing chores with timestamps
instead of just setting a calendar reminder or doing it ad-hoc.

