
Ask HN: Do you think that people at work like you and enjoy your presence? - julienreszka
Or is it purely by interest that they keep you around?
Does it matter to you? 
How would you know&#x2F;(figure it out) if it did&#x2F;does?
======
Jemaclus
When I was in 6th grade, I went on a field trip, and the teacher handed out
awards to all the kids for what they did on the trip. Most of the kids got
things like "most athletic" and "best teamwork skills" and "best singing
voice" and things like that. Mine was "muddiest person" or something like that
because I had slipped and fallen in the mud one day. Even back then, I felt
like it was mildly insulting.

In my career, the "awards" I get are kind of similar. I get the "Funniest
Slack GIFS" awards where everyone else gets praise for releasing good features
and fixing the most bugs and giving the best presentation. I do those things
very well too, but somehow the public perception of me is that I'm a klutz or
a goofball, even though I try to be serious and professional.

It's kind of frustrating. So to answer your question, no, I don't think that
people like me and enjoy my presence. And I don't know how to be better.

~~~
TomMarius
Well.. I have yet to post a GIF to my work Slack. I don't even allow emoji.

~~~
majewsky
I try to use emoji as little as possible myself, but one thing that I find
genuinely useful are emoji reactions, because they don't generate
notifications. When someone writes "I'm gonna $do_thing if that's okay with
you", I can send a :thumbsup: reaction and they won't be disturbed by the
notification, yet they can immediately see if I answered. Or when someone has
a baby and posts the obligatory image to the team channel, people can pile up
those reactions without my phone going pling-pling-pling-pling.

(To be fair, the same can be said about threads, but in my experience, people
are way more consistent about using emoji reactions than they are about
properly threading their conversations.)

------
ihaabi
Likes/Dislikes, unlike facebook clicks, are very personal and they vary with
interactions, communications and level of trust in between you and your
colleagues.

I would like to recommend this small exercise based on the game theory called
"Evolution of Trust", [https://ncase.me/trust/](https://ncase.me/trust/)

At the end of this exercise there were three findings: 1\. Repeat Interactions
2\. Look for a possible win-win situation 3\. Low Miscommunication

Definitely, as I said in the start, there is a lot more than a few factors
that affect a colleague likeness/dislikeness towards you. The biggest lesson
from above exercise in response to your questions would be:

"In the short term, your environment defines how people like you, but in the
long term, it is you who defines the environment. So, do what you can do to
improve conditions necessary to evolve trust, build relationships, communicate
clearly."

If it is important that you want people to like you, then communicate clearly.

Ask them, "Have you ever thought, Why do you think any colleague should like
you?". Tell them, what are the reasons you like them professionally and
personally, and ask the favor back.

I do it every time whenever I have a question of like/dislike related to a
colleague.

~~~
DevX101
That's a pretty cool game. Thanks!

------
runjake
Old guy here who understands what you're getting at.

My thoughts on how you do it:

1\. Be a genuinely good person.

2\. Be a team player. Always credit the team. People will figure things out.

3\. Do small, nice things for people without the expectation of reciprocation.
They shouldn't require a major time or money investment from you. Just little
things.

4\. Show up on time. Don't be the first to leave.

5\. Don't overwork. Overworking leads to negative effects on your health.

~~~
django77
If everybody listened to advice 4 it would conflict with advice 5

~~~
quickthrower2
I don’t follow 4. I get in early and leave early. This is the 2010s not the
1810s.

If that means I’m not liked, I’ll pay that tax.

~~~
maccard
I think op means to not just do the bare minimum and be the guy who leaves
when everyone else is working.

~~~
majewsky
I know what you're getting at, but this language upsets me. There are a ton of
valid reasons to leave when everyone else is working:

1\. doctor's appointment

2\. picking up the kids from daycare

3\. being an early bird and coming in way earlier than everyone else

4\. working part-time

Just from the top of my head.

------
gshdg
Surely there's a middle ground?

I'm almost certainly not the person my co-workers would choose to be friends
with or go out of their way to have present when not at work. I'm totally cool
with that. The feeling is mutual.

But I'm also fairly certain that (while even our best friends always have
_some_ habits we find irritating) for the most part they find me pleasant
enough to be around and interact with.

It matters to me that my colleagues find me pleasant and easy to work with,
friendly, and not grating. It doesn't matter much to me whether they
particularly like me as a person as long as our interpersonal relationship is
good enough to effectively facilitate our professional relationship.

On the other hand, if I find you frustrating to work with on a professional
level, it doesn't matter how pleasant you are to have a beer with. I'm going
to resent you and wish we didn't have to work together.

------
dahart
Several random unrelated answers:

It can be pretty hard to know whether work friendships are genuine. It’s worth
assessing what you want, and whether it actually matters to you. It’s much
easier to get what you want when you know what it is.

Also turn the question around and ask yourself whether you care about others
at work, and whether you like them and enjoy them. Are you letting them know
in verbal or non-verbal ways? How often are you putting yourself in a place to
be judged? For example, do you invite coworkers to your place for
drinks/dinner/games? Some indicator might be whether people will do things
with you outside of work, if you want that.

Work relationships, like school, usually are happenstance. You’re all
employees making a living and the company controls making a living. It should
be expected that some work friendships are a matter of employment or
situational convenience and not deep lasting bonds.

Personally, I do feel somewhat liked at work, but it’s starting to matter less
to me. I do usually try to be likable and also contribute, and those things do
help. They way I actually know whether people liked me usually comes much
later, often after I’ve left the company. The way I know is by finding who’s
interested in catching up with me on social media, or getting together to hang
out or reminisce, or even start a new side project.

Seeking out some people with shared interests outside of work can help. At one
company, I started a mountain biking club, and made some friends by welcoming
newcomers and helping people learn how to ride.

It has in the past felt like more people liked me when I’ve been a manager.
That also fades faster and becomes apparent that it’s more often ‘purely by
interest’ as you put it.

------
maxaf
No, people at work don't like me, and they don't enjoy my presence, but that's
okay. I act professionally, I do my best to make good technical decisions, and
I assist others when asked for help. I'm generous with my time. I receive
positive peer & manager reviews, but when all is said and done only one thing
matters: no one keeps in touch with me after work ceases to be the shared
medium within which communications usually take place.

It's difficult to estimate how many people I've worked with. I've built good
rapport with dozens of individuals throughout the years, but I'm still in
touch with only one person.

This doesn't bother me, as my personality has nothing to do with work. My
opinions, to which I'm entitled, are equally upsetting to both sides of the
political divide. I don't take part in office parties, and I'll never join my
colleagues on a company-sponsored beach retreat. My personality is my own, and
liking me isn't a prerequisite to working productively together towards shared
goals.

All this is to say: work isn't life, and life isn't work.

------
mbfg
Turn the question around and ask the same thing about your coworkers. Now take
the average of your opinions about all your coworkers. That's likely how
people view you. The truth probably is that other people just don't think of
you all that much, so I wouldn't worry about it. As long as you avoid the
bottom 10% such that you don't stick out, then it's all good. And frankly if
you are asking this question, you probably aren't.

------
jdavis703
This line of thinking can be detrimental to your mental health. Since you’re
posting on Hacker News I’m assuming you’re not in politics — possibly the only
career where likability matters.

Just make sure to keep your boss happy, and keep your coworkers and/or reports
from literally hating you and you’re fine.

Trying to do anything more than that could lead you to developing social
anxiety. There’s no way to truly understand what’s in someone else’s mind, so
unless someone comes to you with a specific, actionable complaint don’t worry
too much about what they think of you.

------
juancn
Yes, I'm even close friends with a few. You know like you know in any other
context. People usually tell you and show you. I've made many friends at work
over the years.

The thing is, you have to care about people for them to like you. Be genuine
with them, be there for them and don't be a dick. Have integrity. Allow them
to know that you're a human being that makes mistakes, that you're imperfect
and that's fine and you're comfortable with that in you (and others).

Ask for help when you need it, and offer it when you have it. Specially around
things people really care about.

Also, and this is the hard part, work on yourself, on your self-esteem, on
being better at dealing with your own emotional state. This transfer to others
too and makes all the other stuff come easier.

------
inertiatic
I am not very social generally, but this goes away after you've been around
people for long enough. What I am is very courteous and respectful. I
generally help people as much as I possibly can, I only provide suggestions
instead of acting like I necessarily know better. I give props to people and
recognise when they're doing good work.

People generally seem to like working with me, and I could easily consider a
lot of my current and past co-workers good friends.

------
youeseh
At my last job, I finally ended up working at a company with around 150
employees on-site.

I set a few ground rules for myself before joining: No social media
interactions with people from work. Invitations can be deferred until after
you no longer work together. Don't get suckered into talking about politics or
other divisive topics. Keep it professional and always do the right thing.

With that in mind, to answer your questions:

Did people like me? Heck yes they did! It was easy! I'd walk right up and
introduce myself to everyone I didn't know whenever the opportunity presented
itself. I'd learn about them as much as I could and tell them about what I did
and hopefully we'd be able to help each other. I'd ask people how things were
going and try to hang out with people as much as I could during lunch / coffee
breaks.

But more importantly, did they respect me? It was clear to everyone why I was
there. I was there to make my team succeed despite everything that was going
on outside my team. This meant that there was plenty of work to be done beyond
what my title suggested.

------
davidjnelson
Listening and genuinely caring about others goes a long way. Honestly though,
you have zero control about what others think of you. If you do good work, and
are kind, compassionate and respectful I wouldn't worry about it. If you feel
you have some specific deficit there are certainly professionals you can pay
to help you fix it.

~~~
monk_e_boy
how to make friends and influence people. Funny old book, take from it what
you will, but it espouses what you said.

Improv skills help, if (like me) you aren't brilliant at conversations, treat
them more like a game, "yes and" to keep things flowing.

------
purplezooey
Everyone is one bad quarter or Jack Welch style manager from being kicked to
the street. When you think about it, none of this really matters.

------
_nalply
I think at my former work place people were somewhat confused about me.

I am Deaf and they sometimes didn't know what to do with me. I lipread but
have difficulties in meetings. I also avoided joining social gatherings, for
example coffee breaks, because lipreading is, well, exhausting. Still, I
delivered code and the company was satisfied with my work, and sometimes they
were surprised about that.

So people perhaps tried to like me and enjoy my presence, but probably felt
unconfortable instead pitying me and asking themselves how they would manage
if they were Deaf.

------
ken
A few years ago, the company I worked at was switching from offices to an
'open floor plan', and the noise and anxiety dropped my productivity to near
zero, so I tendered my resignation. It was the longest I'd ever held a job
(and still is), so I didn't enjoy leaving, but I had no choice.

My coworkers held a little going-away party for me, and gave me a custom
trophy they'd had made with my (IRC) name on it -- just for being me.

So I feel confident in saying that, back when I worked in software, my
coworkers enjoyed my presence, and management put up with me.

------
avip
Outwardly, strive to be a professional. Inwardly, strive to not give a damn
about what others like or dislike.

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whateveracct
idgaf :) I try to be polite, be a good team member, and keep personal
distance. My coworkers shouldn't have much information to (dis)like me or have
much personal idea about me. I don't want to be a full person with them -
we're professionals. Works well.

------
thiago_fm
I think it is mix of interest and "likeability(?)", and I like that way.

I like that people have their own self interests and will put themselves
before me, because that leaves the space for me to do it when I find useful as
well. And I need it, because I have a team which I need to keep it well
balanced. In the end make they happy with their environment(compensation,
challenges, pressure... etc).

------
jason_slack
I've had jobs where I was told I was well liked and people stopped by to have
conversations with me every day.

I've also had jobs where my name brought with it a reputation for expecting
results and answers without hearing the life story behind it. It was best to
e-mail me for a quick reply and if you see headphones on, don't wave in my
face.

I did my work. I did it well.

I was honest good or bad.

I taught rather than bragged.

------
otras
Off topic, but I believe this thread was posted a few days ago but has
reappeared as new (currently says 4 hours ago) after a delay. OP originally
posted it two days ago, visible from their submissions page. I noticed this
happen a few days ago as well.

~~~
julienreszka
Yes.

------
caseyw
I feel like they do. Outside of work I get text, calls and invites to go out
with others. I’ve even received holiday cards from their families.

I try to be as genuine and forthcoming in helping those around me learn and
grow with anything I learn as I grow.

------
gaspoweredcat
when i worked in a workplace i always assumed they didnt but thankfully my
skills are good enough that it doesnt get me kicked out. i can gel with a few
people but its pretty rare.

does it matter to me? nope but im autistic so its not really a strange
situation for me, i generally assume people only speak to me if they need
something, on the rare occasions where they dont i start wondering what sort
of ulterior motive they have, which is probably why i dont really have friends
save for a few people ive known decades

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reversecs
Yes, I receive praise and promotion even though I feel like i don't actually
ship anything. I can only deduce that people like me and so they speak well of
me.

~~~
ihaabi
It might be possible that you are too harsh on yourself. Are you familiar with
Imposter Syndrome?

------
alimw
Do people come directly to you for information on your area of expertise? For
me it seems they haven't done as much than I'd expect, but I can't say for
sure if that's because they don't like me or because my expertise is less
respected than I imagine it should be. Either way it does matter to my career
prospects as well as to my feelings.

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AwesomeFaic
I think so. I get worried I ask too many questions some time (newest hire of a
small team of vets) but we have a lot of good conversations and learn from one
another, aside from friendly chats and making one another laugh from time to
time.

Humor is always good, really it just comes down to recognizing your
surroundings and acting accordingly.

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gitgud
My stupid questions and comments make people laugh sometimes, so I assume they
do, but I would never want to know peoples truest thoughts about me anyway.

In the end, you're just another person in their life, just like they are
another person in yours, so it doesn't matter as much as you think...

------
kleer001
This kind of theory-of-mind thinking was important when we were stuck with the
same 300 person tribe. Now, not so much. Do good, be personable, mind your own
business.

