

The Life of a Startup Founder’s Significant Other - ssclafani
http://www.opazazzyzen.com/2010/05/the-life-of-a-startup-founders-significant-other/

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nerme
I'm a musician. I'm also a freelance developer. I did the startup thing, and
it's not for me. Right now I've been programming for about 6 months of the
year and spending the rest of the time on music.

Starting a music project, be it a band or whatever, does have some
similarities to a startup. You need a good product, you need to market it,
promote it, you've got to start lean, you need to keep at it all the time,
etc, etc.

My lady gives me a lot of support. She's fine with practicing 3 nights a week,
being in the recording studio, sitting on my laptop working on demos or
editing recordings.

I spend a lot of time working on music! A good 50-60 hours a week, for sure.

...but...

I always seem to have time for her, too. Even when I've got a programming
contract.

You can always make time for the people and things that you love. If you're
not making time for them, you don't love them. It really is that simple.

Honestly, do you really need to be spending 15 hours a day working on some
silly little company? Your daily photo company or whatever it is? That's going
to be your pride and joy when you're all alone with a pile of cash?

I mean, this is Hacker News. I know what you're motivations are here. They're
not art. They don't seem to be love either.

I guess that's why I got out of the game.

I want love to rule my life, and not the other way around.

~~~
Tamerlin
It's almost a tradition now that startup = sweatshop. That's the problem -- I
have zero tolerance for sweatshops, even though I have nothing against
startups.

Too many people equate hours with value; reality is that if you're working
burnout hours, you're writing bugs (not code) and creating more work for
yourself rather than knocking things off of your to do list.

There are going to be times when you'll work extra hours if you care about
what you're doing, so that's a given. But if you get to a point where you're
consistently working ridiculous hours, your SO should drag you away from the
computer, slap you silly, and tell you to stop and think about what you're
doing, because you're obviously doing it wrong.

I've worked for several startups... not once have I encountered a situation
where working long hours helped to get the job done, but I have frequently
experienced the opposite. In every sweatshop project I've been in, whether a
startup or not, I dreaded the first checkout, because invariably I'd spend a
large chunk of my day fixing a lot of broken code.

~~~
gte910h
Wise wise words here: "But if you get to a point where you're consistently
working ridiculous hours, your SO should drag you away from the computer, slap
you silly, and tell you to stop and think about what you're doing, because
you're obviously doing it wrong."

~~~
Tamerlin
I might have had some doubts if I'd seen even one exception, but I haven't.
I've never found a long-hours buffoon get as much as I have, and that's in
spite of the fact that I wasted so much of my time fixing the idiocy they
introduced into the code.

Logically, it follows that if you have people working for you who are putting
in crazy hours, you should fire them so that they stop preventing your good
people from getting their jobs done.

------
beilabs
I've spent the past two years ducking it out with my Masters course. Once
finished I'm going to throw myself into getting my startup up and running.

Couldn't imagine doing it without my significant other by my side supporting
me every step of the way. She's not involved in IT whatsoever, she is a
surgeon however.

Neither of us know each others profession other than the fact that it's pretty
hard to be good at either one. It gives us the excuse to talk about things
that matter to both of us that are not work related.

Make sure you make time for each other, jobs come and go, business fail and
succeed, but you want someone there with you to enjoy your success. It's not
worth it otherwise.

~~~
kyro
That's one hell of a profession she has for you both to fall back on just in
case the startup doesn't work out.

~~~
beilabs
At least she can secretly take my organs and sell them in case the worst comes
to pass.

------
char
About 2.5 years ago, my boyfriend and I had an idea and wanted to do a
startup. I had zero coding experience, but I really, really wanted to be
involved in a startup. So I taught myself how to code and then built the
entire front end of the project.

That project failed, but soon later we founded a new startup that is on its
way to ramen profitability. (We learned A LOT from the first experience). We
both code essentially equal amounts, and share all the stress, while of course
supporting each other at the same time. Neither of us has ever been happier
doing anything.

~~~
spoiledtechie
I only wish I could find a woman like this. Tell your BF hes a lucky man!

------
yan
Ryan, you sound like you're a lucky, lucky man.

~~~
RyanAmos
Indeed I am.

Couldn't ask for anyone more supportive and understanding through all of this.
Especially with having to deal with 2,500 miles between us right now.

------
gokhan
My wife is also the non-coding co-founder of our startup. If you're totally
stormed by the founder bug, it's actually great to live with your co-founder.
We can talk about conversion rates in the bed between snoozes or on invitation
improvements while washing kid's hair.

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pbiggar
Very interesting piece. At least half of the startups in the 2010 batch had
wives or girlfriends, and the toll that it takes on them was not really
documented. I'd love to hear more stories like this.

~~~
nzmsv
Also, many articles on startups assume the founders have no other
responsibilities. Reality is a bit different. So yes, it would be great to
hear more of these stories.

------
volida
I guess there are only two scenarios. They either dump you or fully support
you.

~~~
patio11
Or, alternatively, we figure out that startups as all-consuming obsessions
which require the sacrifice of everything we hold dear are _not_ the whole of
the solution space.

I know, I know, my salaryman colleagues thought it was heresy, too.

~~~
paramour
I wish my startup founder boyfriend would partake in that heresy. It's pretty
soul destroying to always be somebody's second priority, especially when
they're your first one.

~~~
Tamerlin
If his start-up is his first priority now, it probably always will be, even on
the off chance that it's successful.

------
ajj
An absolutely refreshing read first thing Monday morning..

A welcome change from logical hair-splitting arguments (as much as I love
them) into something that matters most - emotional support from a loved one.

------
steveklabnik
I echo the "Ryan, you're very lucky" sentiment, for sure.

I'm also lucky enough to have a phenomenal, supportive girlfriend. I live with
her, so I get to see her fairly often, but at the same time, we usually both
leave the house in the morning at the same time, I'll come home at 8, and then
head to the coffee shop till 12, so we don't get to spend all that much time
together. Luckily, she's still in school, so that helps. I generally make up
for it by ensuring to spend some time with her on the weekends.

We had a year and a half-ish in before the startup stuff started, so we'd
already had a fairly solid foundation in place to build off of. Also, (even
though I try not to talk about this online, but it's relevant, I'll make an
exception because I like you, HN) the fact that we have an open relationship
helps take a little load off of the responsibilities as well.

The other big factor with women and startups is finding a girl that's okay
with splitting the check, going bike riding rather than going to the movies,
playing board games rather than going out to dinner. When you're living on
subsistence wages, it's quite hard to do the whole "the man pays for
everything" bit. It should be impossible. I hate to say that it's hard to find
a girl like this, but it kind of is.

My life would certainly be significantly worse without her, though. There are
enough unstable factors with startup life, and having that stable support
really, really helps.

~~~
enneff
"a girl that's okay with splitting the check"

I thought those days were long gone. I've _never_ _not_ split the bill with a
girl in my entire life.

~~~
steveklabnik
What can I say, I'm from a small town.

~~~
char
That could likely explain why it's so hard to find the type of girl you're
describing. :)

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jasonlbaptiste
great great post. You're a lucky guy!

There's a reason I voluntarily choose to stay single while being a founder
(unless I started dating that person before hand). It probably will not end up
well. Sure at first they think it will be all a-okay and just like a
"demanding job". Then they realize the stress and emotional unavailability
that comes with it as things progress. Girls also always need attention. At
the end of the day if came down between making some sort of date with her or
getting the product out the door, I'd 100% always choose to get the product
out the door. That's why I save the both of us the time and stay single.

~~~
char
"Girls also always need attention."

Yikes. Not true at all. Please don't make such generalizations.

~~~
jasonlbaptiste
girls, guys, pets, anyone,etc.. Maybe the use of the word always shouldn't
have been there, but if you're in a relationship with someone they expect
attention from you. I think it's fair to say: If you're dating someone they
expect a good amount of attention from you. If you're not giving them a good
amount of attention then it isn't really a relationship.

~~~
gte910h
If you're defining relationships that way, I say what you what out of your
relationships are different than what I know several other people to want out
of theirs. There is a lot of variation there between "tightly orbiting binary
stars" and "comet that comes by every 96 years" that people do use to have
successful relationships.

I've met women looking for everything in between there.

------
idigit
Way to be awesome, Lindsay!

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mrmartin
Awesome read for a Monday morning!

