
The Phoenix Is Not Burnt Out, It Is Just Rebooting - kragniz
http://michaeldehaan.net/post/140649196217/the-phoenix-is-not-burnt-out-it-is-just-rebooting
======
RickS
I feel a lot of this as well. It's deeply troubling, when you attach so much
of your self worth to work, and the work erodes you so strongly. What's left?

I wish it were more accepted so that we could sort it out without having to be
so drastic. I don't know how to tell my boss "I can't really do this right
now. I need at least 2 months. Maybe 10. Dunno." I'm just going to leave,
and....

and then what? who knows.

When you stop working yourself to the bone you get to... not have health
insurance? Wonder how long you can coast before going under? San Francisco,
and I imagine most of America, is a tough place to just _be_.

It sucks.

~~~
mikekchar
At the risk of self-promotion:
[http://mikekchar.github.io/portfolio/UsefulAndBeneficial/](http://mikekchar.github.io/portfolio/UsefulAndBeneficial/)

It may or may not help you. I've shown it to a lot of people and I have to
admit that most people don't really connect with it. However, for me it was a
pivotal realization that got me out of the grind and I hope it will help you
too.

At that time I quit my job and spent 8 months writing free software. I didn't
know what to do and thought seriously about quitting being a programmer
altogether. During those 8 months, I wrote code almost every waking moment and
discovered that I _loved_ writing code. What I hated was fighting with people
over all the broken stuff at work.

And that's when it hit me. My colleagues hated fighting with me over all the
broken stuff at work too. That's why I was burning myself out and getting no
recognition. They didn't realize that everything was broken and I spent all of
my energy trying to convince them.

I realized that if I simply did what I enjoyed, writing code, the other people
would be happy with me too -- even if the company came crashing down around my
ears. So I decided to try it in my next job. Not only were people delighted
with me, but they increasingly invited me to fix their other problems (as they
realized them). I stopped fighting and started just fixing stuff. I was happy.

I've since realized that many people and organizations need help. But if you
dive in too much, you get caught up in their craziness. Their life and death
struggles become yours -- and you can't do anything about it because it
depends on _them_ changing. If you step back and simply lend your strength
where it is desired -- allowing them to fail if they are intent in doing so --
you can live a peaceful life.

Hope that helps.

~~~
beidondveiso
Thank you for posting!

I am about to quit my startup and plan on writing free software and trying to
find myself a bit again (and what to do next). I am not sure if I will come to
the same conclusions (and I think thats something I would have to experience
first hand), but it sounds very encouraging.

------
yoyocalcium
I know you stated you don't like editing in your post, but I'd highly
recommend passing your posts on to a friend who _is_ willing to edit them,
before they're public. I appreciate the sentiment and resonated with many of
the remarks. I could have gotten the same message in about 30% of the words.

~~~
jbyers
Too long? Don't read it.

This is emotionally charged territory for the author. Respect it, and respect
him. It takes courage to write like this in public.

~~~
kough
No need for the abrasive tone, the GP was simply offering constructive
criticism. Does that not have a place in your idea of respect? If not, why
not?

~~~
jbyers
I found the criticism both non-constructive and selfish. The commenter is
welcome to their opinion, but in _this context_ does it need to be said? Has
the commenter added value or further reinforced what the author says in the
first paragraph: that people are afraid to write about sensitive, personal,
private topics in the public eye?

Context matters.

If this was an article about the relative merits of monads in Haskell vs OCaml
I would have taken no issue - criticize away. It wasn't; it was another human
being pouring their feelings out in long form. "I could have gotten the same
message in about 30% of the words" is selfish. Who cares what the commenter
wanted, again, in _this context_. The commenter feels better, the author and
others who might be in the same shoes feel worse, and on the cycle goes. This
still raises my hackles 10 hours later.

------
hnal943
>I’m not a jerk, I just care too much and want other people to care the same
amount.

I don't know the real situation, but based on this rationale it sounds like
you were being a jerk. You're not even really denying it, just trying to
excuse your behavior because it was in service of some higher goal.

That said, acting like a jerk is a behavior, not a permanent attribute. The
feedback from your boss should have been about the behaviors you engaged in
that negatively impacted the team.

~~~
jdc
What led you to choose the label "jerk"?

~~~
striking
Perhaps because the author wrote "jerk"?

~~~
jdc
This is not satisfactory response. Put another way, what I'm wondering is what
it is that seems unpleasant or morally objectionable about the OP's behaviour.

------
dunkelheit
That was long and rambling but I think the summary is that when you try to
make the world a better place it does not yield all to easily. And sometimes
you are ok with that but sometimes your stamina is running low. Managing
stamina is important and just as important is managing hubris - I am reminded
of the anecdote about Plato told by NN Taleb. Plato was offended by the fact
that most humans are naturally right-handed and not ambidextrous because that
is woefully asymmetric. I guess even the most able people are often offended
by the wrong things.

Michael has made the world (well at least a small part of it) a genuinely
better place. I think he deserves to chill out a bit before returning to his
attitude of caring too much.

------
Chiba-City
Beautifully written. This is sleepy stream of consciousness, but I'll add that
the conscientious developer internalizes their discipline and then sees new
problem spaces everywhere, some realm of actual or potential responsibility.
Most otherwise good folks in the world don't - can't really - easily
reciprocate. I turned 50 today, and it's in the last year that I learned so
many otherwise qualified professionals all around me just don't ever really
study the manuals. Creative systematic development must cease being needlessly
sacrificial. There's some emerging awareness of its occupational hazards that
needs to be addressed if we want to transfer wisdom successfully over
generations to better thrive. A few chapters of Shrage's "No More Teams" refer
to software languages as a legitimate standard for what collaborative
innovating literacy might someday mean.

~~~
Cheezmeister
I can't understand a word of this. I could be mistaken, but it smells like
like a gem or two of insight, too greatly attenuated via the sleep waves.

I'd very much like to read the well-rested organized retransmission.

------
tlarkworthy
Get a dog. You have to walk it and it treasures your time. It forces time to
relax outside of computers. You get fresh air. It loves you for just being
there...

Either that or children.

------
coleifer
Narcissist

