

Ask HN: How do you fight depression? - depression100

Created an account just to post this, for obvious reasons.  Feel free to downvote if it is not appropriate.<p>How to fight depression?  I am in my thirties - stuck in a boring job, stuck in work visa, hardly know anyone in the city I live (extremely shy and awkward, to add to other problems).  Most of the time I don't know what I am doing, or why I am even alive.  Not a day goes by without thoughts of suicide, even though I understand it is wrong (I know millions of people are in much worse situation than me, so every suicide thought also brings thoughts of guilt - "if people with much bigger problems can live, why can't you?" type of guilt thoughts).  Some days I go from total happiness (for no reason) to total depression in a matter of seconds and just stay there for hours or days. Not asking for sympathy or pity - just genuinely interested in turning my life around.
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KeliNorth
I find it amazing that when I finally, after lurking for a very long time,
decide to create an account to have posting privileges, I see a post asking
how you fight depression. Especially after a two-day spree of wondering what
in life matters.

I've asked myself this a few times in life. And, sadly, I'm actually probably
the only person in my family who doesn't need medication, my depressions
always come from reflections on mistakes I chose in the past and still pay
for, as well as wondering how the future will improve.

And compared to one year ago, it has vastly improved. It's gone from an insane
amount of stress to much, much less. It's gone from having no point in life to
some. And unfortunately, then I discovered that I was still getting depressed
over what the future would hold. That's after giving up a job that was killing
me, mind you.

Oh boy, shyness, man, I know your pain. Awkward and "other problems" - I know
you may think other people can't relate, but there are people with the same
problems. I haven't yet discovered a unique problem. Of course, that doesn't
matter.

Manic depression is real. Some people need medication for it. Other times, I
don't know, maybe life really does get you down. I'll be honest with you.
There was a time in my life when I drove fast. Really, really fast. Because I
believed suicide was wrong. But if I drove fast, and an accident happened,
that was different.

I'm glad an accident never happened. Even though I've spent the last couple
days depressed. I'm not a programmer or engineer, which is why I never created
an account before now, though I've lurked for a long while watching people I
initially thought (but have since revised, somewhat) discuss technical stuff.
Yes, I've cried over how hopeless things seem, recently. And I've been stuck
in that boring job, alone, expenses just managing to inch that close to
expenses, credit finally reaching it's limit, and living day to day with the
realization that each day is only wake, work, entertainment, sleep, repeat.

And yet, I've seen things change. And man, I'd never believe it. I'm in my
current situation, a much better one I should add, because I told someone that
I couldn't stand my life, couldn't deal with what was happening. Fortunately,
it was someone that somehow, at that exact time, had a situation open up that
they could bring me in on. I was lucky. I don't know how much longer I could
have held out. But I wasn't reaching out to others.

And you know what? Looking to others online (I did it too) can alleviate some
of the pain, but I know that as much as these answers comfort you, remind you
that others ARE in the exact same situation, or have been, everyone is
different, situations are different, and nobody, NOBODY, ever really
understands what YOU are going through. Even if it may seem trivial, even if
you personally know it may seem and even be trivial, it doesn't mean other
people understand.

I don't understand. I've had my own problems. Millions of other people have
had problems. Lots of people somehow live. Some people do end up dying.

And though this may be hackernews, and though there it may not be something
you believe, in the worst of times here's what's kept me from doing anything
more than that speeding I thankfully left in the past: I do believe in God,
and that although things are bad, he'd be SAD (yes, emotionally depressed, God
himself would be) if I decided to take my own life, as would my mother, and
I'd never have a chance with that girl that really, I didn't actually have a
chance with. Yeah, they aren't all reasons other people would look up to, but
it's real.

And you know what: I'm still here. Still crying at knowing things may not get
better than they currently are. But I can't deny they are better than they
were, even if I still haven't solved my problems.

I won't lie: life can get worse. And yes, it can get better. But it might get
worse. The question isn't if you can look forward and see where the good will
come from. It's about whether you can reject the bad, no matter how long it
lasts, and tell the world that yes, you're better than it. That no matter how
it smacks you down, you're a better person than how it wants you to be.

You may be stuck in a terrible job, stuck in a situation you can't handle, and
not know anyone. I sympathize. I may even understand - but I can't state that
for a certainty because really, I don't know you. I know millions have similar
situations. But not one person would I dare to say I really understand, it'd
be too cruel.

But I do know life should be lived. As I said, it may get worse. But, it may
get better. Here's the answer: we really don't know what the future holds.
It's uncertain. But here's what I do know: we aren't dealt a life that's
already certain. Fate doesn't exist. Life can get better. It can get worse.
But here's the thing: we don't know when it'll get worse. But we can
absolutely work and struggle and make it better.

Man, I know it's tough. And sometimes, you cling to things you can, as small
as they may be. As long as you live, please, believe me, they are worth
holding onto. You don't know what the future holds. Your fears, my fears, some
exist, some will exist, and some will only be imagination and nothing more.

I can't tell you how to fight depression, because that's your battle. I can
admit that I have a family member that is definitely, clinically depressed.
And I know from how they act when they haven't taken their medication. Right
now, they, who a few years ago were so depressed they deceived their parents
about taking medication at all and wouldn't for months at a time, is now
leading an incredibly happy life they couldn't even imagine being possible
during that time. It was completely unexpected.

They still need to take medication to fight the real, clinical depression. But
that doesn't change the fact their life did in fact change in a way they
couldn't expect, couldn't foresee, couldn't even fathom as a regular person,
let along a depressed person.

I know it's not much to go on. But enough people die constantly. I know it's
hard: that much I do know, really. There are groups that can sympathize. And
as hard, as incredibly painful and humiliating it can be to talk to others
about something so person, so painful, without the wall of anonymity, it does
in fact help. The first step is hardest. Medication does help. It's hard to
believe sometimes, even if you don't believe you're one of the "really really
depressed ones," but watching someone go from suicidal to having a new outlook
on life because they corrected a real deficiency in their brain is incredible.

And here I stand, still someone suffering. But I do know better. I do think
it's wrong. And there are still people I love. There are still things I hold
onto. And, I still have, no matter how small or how much of a sliver it is,
hope.

That's how I fight depression. I don't always win the battles. But so far, I'm
here typing. Never stop the fight. I'm sorry, but I can't say the fight will
end. But never stop the fight. And find something you love - that's important
too. No matter what it is, love something. Can't believe that I picked this
day to register, and saw this post somehow. You never know what the future
holds. But you can influence it.

~~~
depression100
Thank you for the reply. Didn't expect such an emotional reply at HN :)

I know what you mean by driving fast and accident - I'm glad that the accident
never happened. I also totally understand when you say _if I decided to take
my own life, as would my mother_ \- I've aged parents that depend on me,
that's the biggest reason why I haven't harmed myself so far. Frankly though,
unlike most people I'm not afraid of dying. I just want to live meaningfully
and more importantly, happily, as long as I am around. All this office
politics, hypocrisy etc is just tiring. One way is to just give up this made
up life and go work for a non profit (volunteering is one of those few things
that really makes me happy).

Shyness - this has become a big problem for me. Sometimes it is painful to see
people go far plainly on talk - get that awesome job, date that nice girl and
generally be very popular. This is even more true in the west, where being an
extrovert is valued almost as much as any other skill. I don't know if there
is a support group or something, that I can get help from.

But those are all external reasons. I still don't know why one day I am so
happy, and minutes later I fall into deep depression.

If you don't mind me asking, did you do anything specific that improved your
situation?

~~~
ronyeh
"One way is to just give up this made up life and go work for a non profit
(volunteering is one of those few things that really makes me happy)."

I think you've identified yourself a path to become happier. Is it a big risk
to give up your current job? If not, go look for a non profit you can work
for. Your salary may be lower, but you might become happier (and maybe make
some at-work friendships?).

------
arn
Please see a doctor.

Depression isn't the same as just feeling sad. You can't just shake it off.
It's a medical condition like heart disease or high blood pressure, and can be
treated.

They should call it "Cerebral Dystopia" or something so it's not conflated
with just a bad mood. You depressed? Shake it off. Oh, you have cerebral
dystopic? You should see someone about that.

------
dholowiski
Partly depression is because of the kinds of thoughts you have,and partly its
your brain and body chemistry. Lately (for me anyway) its also partly due to
the city I chose to live in.

Do what we geeks are good at.make a list and start fixing things. If you are
suicidal go see a doctor right away and get some drugs.if you can't/won't do
that, do some research on st.johns wort and 5-htp. If used properly these can
be as effective or more effective than drugs.

See a psychologist.you don't need a doctors referral and if you have a job it
will at least partially be paid for. Shyness, anxiety and depression are 3
different things. Even in perfect health its not likely you'd be able to
address these things on your own. You need help.

The old cliche is true - exercise,it releases natural happy drugs. Research
vitamin d. 500-1000 mg per day will do wonders for your health,and your mental
well being.even if you live somewhere sunny you are vitamin d deficient.

Eat well,although I'm not really convinced this actually makes a big
difference (its all too easy to feel like crap and build vitamin or mineral
deficiencies when you are trying to eat healthy).

Stop drinking. Just do it. Alcohol messes with your body and brain. Im not
saying that nobody should drink, but if you are depressed, there are many ways
alcohol is making it worse, and continuing to drink will prevent you from
getting better.

Seek out people like you to be around.don't try to hang out at bars or the
mall,if that's not who you are. Assuming you are a typical hn`er,see if your
city has a maker space and go build stuff.or spend a few hours at a co working
space (great because you can work on a project, around other people, and have
as little or as much social interaction as you like). Go to startup meet ups
even if you don't have a startup.volunteer at you local computer recycler,
they often rebuild PCs for underprivileged people.

A lot of stuff here and piles more. Like life,its a journey. Honestly I think
that most people are not happy most of the time. You and I have an advantage,
we want to get better.

FYI.I'm doing all of these things except for the doctor (don't want drugs) and
meeting people like me. I moved to a city where there are very few people like
me. Fixing that soon. In small bits and pieces, its getting better,but its a
many year process.

------
jkaykin
First off, good on you for sharing your feelings, it's very hard for many.

Look it is your life, as much as people will say exercise, take anti-
depressants, see a doctor, etc... remember that you have control of your own
life and should live it how you want. You don't have to work at a boring job
or be in a horrible city with nobody you know. Go somewhere where you will be
happy; work somewhere where you will be happy; take yoga classes and
meditation classes; if you can code, build amazing things, if not it is a
great thing to learn; go to various meetups; pick up new hobbies, choose the
life you want to live and relax.

Life is beautiful, life is gracious, you just have to go and find what it is
that makes you happy.

Don't conform, do what you love and love what you do. I suggest reading The
Art of Non-Conformity by Chris Guillebeau

Stay Strong.

~~~
dholowiski
>Go somewhere where you will be happy

So amazingly important. Read who's your city by Richard Florida.

------
bartonfink
It takes a lot of courage to admit that you struggle with depression, even
with an anonymous account, so first off I want to say good on you for writing
this.

I've had severe problems with depression before, and one of the biggest
realizations that helped me out of it was that I have the power to change
nearly every aspect of my life. There were many things in my life I wasn't
happy with, and it took me a long time to realize that it was in my power to
change them. It took me a much longer time to actually implement a plan and
change them, to the point that I feel pretty comfortable in my own skin right
now, but that realization was the start. I spent some time on medication
(Lexapro) and in therapy, but I'm not a psychiatrist so I can't make any
specific recommendations on that front. I can say that I viewed the therapist
less as a doctor and more as an outside observer into my life, to whom I could
talk about almost anything and get some trusted advice. I think it's paramount
that you talk to somebody about this before you hurt yourself or, less
dramatically, before you spend more time feeling depressed and questioning why
you're even alive. Talk to a therapist, talk to a hotline, or even talk to a
bartender somewhere if it's this bad. You've taken a first step by posting
here, and that's a really brave thing to have done.

Please e-mail me if it's this bad and you genuinely feel you've got nowhere to
turn. My e-mail address is in my profile, and while I'm not a
psychologist/psychiatrist, I will gladly give you what assistance I can.
What've you got to lose?

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255martyn
Hey man, I've been there. People can give you all sorts of advice here like
exercise, heavy drinking, or whatever. But you really should see a
professional psychiatrist, someone who knows about this stuff. A good one
won't just give you happy pills, they will determine if you need them. And
there's nothing wrong with needing them if you do! We live in the future,
where sicknesses can be healed. Having your brain have irrational thoughts of
guilt and suicide is a sickness. One that can be treated. So go schedule an
appointment now.

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dwj
I have been in a similar situation to you. In my case the depression was so
bad I simply HAD to do something about it, and it involved significant changes
to my lifestyle (changing job, moving away from the city, etc). My wife also
went through depression recently, and has recovered through CBT (with an
excellent therapist) and anti-depressants. I'm not really a fan of anti-
depressants myself as they are mostly (or all) placebo, but I guess sometimes
a placebo can be a trigger to kick yourself out of depression. There are free
online CBT tools such as mindgym which might be useful.

In your case I think a big part of your depression is loneliness (and lack of
girlfriend in particular). The human brain has evolved to want companionship,
and depression is its way of nudging you to try and achieve that. I was in a
similar situation to you - I didn't have a proper girlfriend until I was
almost 30, and thought I would never have one (but now I'm married).

There are lots of online dating sites which make it easier to meet people
(that is how I met my wife over 10 years ago, and there are much more options
these days).

Basically there are lots of opportunities out there in terms of jobs and
relationships - you just need to change your mindset to realise that.

I'm happy to chat with you further - just post a throwaway email address or
something.

~~~
dholowiski
re Mindgym: can you post a link? The closest I could find was
<http://www.themindgym.com/> but there is a huge amount of cotent there.

~~~
dwj
Oops, I meant moodgym. www.moodgym.anu.edu.au.

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hellotoby
Hi.

Firstly, it sounds like you have manic depression (extreme highs and extreme
lows), however I am not a doctor, so please talk to someone about how you're
feeling so they can make a diagnosis.

Secondly, no matter how alone you may feel right now, please remember that
this is only temporary. Over time you will meet like-minded souls who will
become your friends, but they key is in finding them.

I have lived overseas on my own before and have felt loneliness and
depression, but have found that in order to beat this you must make
friendships. This will involve joining new groups and meeting new people
(something which is not easy, especially for a self-confessed wallflower).

Fortunately, there are many groups and meet-ups from which you can discover
like-minded people and I would encourage you to try and engage with one of
them if you feel that you can. Once you have attended at least one meet-up you
will see that:

a) It's not that hard to meet new people and (perhaps more importantly) b) New
people like to meet you and that you make an important contribution to this
world.

I hope my comment on this board helps you and that you are able to seek the
professional help you need. On a parting note, please remember that even
though sometimes you may feel unloved, the reality is is that you are loved by
many.

~~~
depression100
Yes, I've been trying to do it, volunteering especially. But wherever I go, I
get "outed" as a "techie" (my skills are laughable compared to the HN crowd,
but apparently still good enough for non tech people) - after that, people
only talk to me when they need help with computers. It's my fault being shy,
not theirs.

About the part of being loved, I doubt that seriously.

~~~
dholowiski
Don't even try to hang out with normals. Hang out with the Hn crowd and be a
noob.

------
alexshye
Kudos for reaching out to talk about this.

I'm sure the problem goes deep and has multiple layers, but it seems a major
factor is that you hardly know anyone and probably feel disconnected from
society. I used to be shy also, but for different reasons (I stuttered pretty
badly when I as young). I can say for certain that opening up and truly
connecting with people makes a big difference in life satisfaction.

If you haven't read it, a good starting point is Dale Carnegie's classic 'How
to Win Friends & Influence People".

Beyond that, take small steps to connect with people. Here is a first big step
IMHO: start smiling more and projecting happiness. It attracts people to you.
Even more, psychologists have found reason to believe the act of physically
smiling improves your mood. Fake it til you make it.

Here are a few others: start making eye contact with people on the street,
smile at people on the street, start saying hi to random people (the waitress,
the person working the cash register, co workers), make random small talk with
strangers (about anything! you have nothing to lose really), etc.

All the small steps will slowly add up, and over time, you will find yourself
connecting better with people, making more friends, etc.

Good luck!

------
marcusfrex
We are almost at same age and i totally understand what you are up to because
i was in same situation before. I researched a lot regarding my sick thoughts
and behaviours. I hoped for a help from someone but words did not worked as i
thought it would. As much as i read and observed MRI's of depressed people, i
got the point that it is just a malfunction of the brain with social problems
that seems unable to get solved.

So what i did was just starting to use an efficient anti-depressant. (I hate
doctors and i decided myself which to use) Not that hardcore ones that makes
people like sheeps but just ordinal one. (Citalopram) Before that i was very
afraid that whether i will be someone else or damage myself but you know what?
It totally changed my life forever. I have been using it for two years but i
admit that if i didn't start to use it i would be in very different place (or
maybe hell) by now. People thinks that this kind of drugs as "chemicals" and
not a natural way to solve the problems. But it worked with me and increased
my life quality. I think you should try one of those before you definitely
decide to kill yourself or whatsoever. You will loose nothing on that case but
giving life a chance.

------
lsiebert
Here's the truth. First of all, be proud of yourself for asking for help. Not
an easy thing to do.

Now, Extreme emotional swings and suicidal thoughts?

The answer to your question is: Go see a doctor, and consider therapy or an
antidepressant, or both.

Socializing is fine, and you should certainly reach out, go to a meetup with
HNers in your area, or a maker space, or a gaming group whatever... but make
an appointment with a doctor.

Doesn't have to be a psychiatrist, can be a GP or whatever. Whatever reason
you have been using to put this off... forget it and go. Push through the
depression, ignore the transient happiness, and make that appointment. Making
the appointment is probably harder then actually going, your natural
inclination to feel guilty can help you keep an appointment.

You are not alone, you do matter, but you should go get help. You know this,
or you wouldn't be asking for help here, but while HN can be a wonderfully
supportive community in many ways, it's not mental health care. It's safe to
ask here, and I applaud you for asking for help. But it's up to you to take
action.

Also, if you are looking for specific social suggestions, indicate your city.
Good luck.

------
lasertron
I'm sorry you're going through this and I'm joining the chorus of other
commenters who empathize with your pain. You've got to seek some help--other
than that, here are little things that have helped me:

-blogging (or journaling, if you want to start facing your own thoughts on a micro-level first. both are great.) -read a classic work of literature, read the sparknotes, read the criticisms of the work, decide how you feel about it. relating to themes in literature and philosophy help me deal with the absurdity of real life. -find a cause to support. activism helped me find some motivation and conviction for something outside of my work. -change your space. sell all your stuff and buy some new stuff. changing a rug or rearranging a floor plan can make me feel like I'm somewhere else.

xx

------
tstegart
I stopped watching MTV in college, and I haven't really had a problem being
sad since then. You should reevaluate where and how you get sensory input and
consider tossing some things out the window.

------
ozarius
I can totally relate to you. Same boat. Anytime you feel totally down, please
think of the person who loves you the most.. That has always helped me. It
could be your sweet-heart or mom or dad or whoever., but just close your eyes
and visualize 'em hugging you..

Oh and if you are really hurting, please consult with a doctor.. If not for u,
for those who love u, please do...

------
TomBeckman
Check out this research paper: Delivering Happiness: Translating Positive
Psychology Intervention Research for Treating Major and Minor Depressive
Disorders

<http://www.faculty.ucr.edu/~sonja/papers/LCLWD2011.pdf>

------
AznHisoka
For me, i get less depressed when I have a significant other and friends to
spend time with, and a project to occupy me. Just pick something, and try to
change that for a month. Try a new sport, or something that makes you be with
others more.

------
kyleschen
these are some ways i killed depression

[http://kyleschen.com/2012/09/14/the-21-laws-of-
annihilating-...](http://kyleschen.com/2012/09/14/the-21-laws-of-annihilating-
depression/)

------
mapster
you just need a win, 1 good experience every now and then to keep you overall
positive.

------
factorialboy
Meditation has helped me.

