
Ask HN: Having emotional breakdown  - throw999
I am a student in an undergraduate programme from India just turned 21. I dont have many friends and mostly a loner in college who always feel shy to talk and kind of introvert. I was a good student till first year and then things started to fall apart from second year. I always felt that I was not guided properly and even the professors themselves dont know anything in India.<p>My grades were horrible for two years and that was  
like so demoralising that I lost my self confidence even nore. Being shy at college also did not help and even some good for nothing teachers gave me a hard time; I fell completely lonely, even the motivation which was from visiting HN and other sites is fading. Not even remember any single piece of achievement and appreciation in these two years and always feel like dropping out of college. 
I now think I am going on right path but still college and the people phobia keeps haunting me.
Never have I had a clear mind; the minute I start studying I get emotionally down by remembering any fscking embarrasing situation I had. I have never consulted my problem this deeply to anyone in college. The fact that I let go couple of years  that could had made me more confident in python programming is making me feel worse. Need some good advice that will not let me look back on my shitty past?
======
swombat
Life is hard, let's go shopping. Oh wait.

Seriously, you're just exactly like the average 21 year old introvert without
a girlfriend. Most of us have been there, and we didn't post about it on
internet forums. Geesh.

I vote against all the advice to "go see a psychotherapist". The only
psychotherapy you need is to stop making excuses and get the fuck out of your
room. Go meet people. Do risky stuff. Look for the bright side of life. Let
the bright side of life find you.

You're only 21, for christ's sake. "Look back on my shitty past?" Dude, you
don't even have a past yet. Go do stuff and enough with wallowing in your
self-pity. You don't know how utterly ridiculous it sounds for a 21-year old
studying python at university to be complaining that he's failed at life.

Edit: Another point, about your "shitty past". No one other than you gives a
damn about you or it (especially at 21). Realise that and stop using it as
some kind of lame excuse to not talk to people.

~~~
itg
"The only psychotherapy you need is to stop making excuses and get the fuck
out of your room. Go meet people. Do risky stuff. Look for the bright side of
life. Let the bright side of life find you."

The whole "snap out of it" attitude is horrible advice and isn't helping
anyone in major depression. You have no idea about any other details and
problems the person may have and why they feel as if they are not up to their
potential. Seeing a therapist can be one of the best things to happen.

~~~
eof
He's not a therapist, and likely this is exactly the type of advice this kid
needs.

~~~
raganwald
I hate to "Appeal to Authority," so instead of questioning your qualification
to state that this is exactly the type of advice this kid needs, I'll simply
ask:

What is the basis for your claim that "likely this is exactly the type of
advice this kid needs"?

~~~
eof
He is Indian, and therefore probably comes from a very close knit circle that
has been largely controlled by people other than himself, and thus, doesn't
see himself as the man he really is; and therein lies the 'problem.'

~~~
raganwald
Your argument works from extremely scant evidence and weaves in
generalizations. Given how little we have to go on, you may have done an
excellent job guessing the most likely circumstances for him. However, it is
unnecessary to guess at his circumstances, since a professional could simply
ask him. Also, you go from a guess as to his circumstances to a diagnosis of
his problem.

I don't see the connection, and even if there was a clearly articulated
connection, it would again be guesswork. Unnecessary again since a
professional could simply ask him the right questions and diagnose rather than
make the best guess given insufficient evidence to have confidence in the
answer.

I'm sure you can guess what I have to say about the right therapy for him. It
is not necessary to prescribe a "likely" course of action based on a diagnosis
based on scant evidence. Even if your chain of reasoning follows the most
likely path from evidence to prescriptive, there is no need to work at low
levels of confidence.

~~~
eof
... I said 'likely.' And the guy is looking for help from hackers, not from a
therapist. I have access only to what he said. If as a hacker you think he
should see a professional, say so.

I think I am probably right, and if I am not, I am not ashamed at all. I am
not a therapist, I am not in a therapists office, I am not pretending ot be a
therapist, and I doubt this kid needs a therapist.

I think you overestimate the importance of giving 'accurate' advice as if I,
or who i was commenting on, _were_ his therapist. However, we are not, you are
not, and the kid is probably just needing to grow a pair, find his voice, and
realize he doesn't have to do the things that other people think he should do.

------
raquo
First, please stop labeling yourself as an introvert/failure/whatever. It will
do you good.

Being an introvert is first and foremost the ability to extract energy from
what you're doing rather than needing an audience to survive. It does not
mean, however, that you should not talk to people just because you don't feel
like talking. Everyone needs at least a couple friends to talk to. By only
talking to yourself, it's very easy to get depressed.

So talk to people, get _ _new_ _ friends. Find another context where you'll be
meeting new people – take up some hobby for example. Programming, wood
carving, whatever. Go to and organize some meetups with them.

Forget your past. It's all gone. Every single person on Earth has a shitload
of missed opportunities. That's ok. It's never late to start doing what you
want. Start reading [http://diveintopython.org/](http://diveintopython.org/)
or whatever else you'll find right today. You'll be doing great stuff in no
time.

Also, a girlfriend is immensely valuable but she's not a substitute for other
friends, remember that.

PS I was once such a terrible introvert that I barely talked at all and was
afraid to even call people, so I got a part-time job with a lot of calling and
now people are not a problem for me.

Cheer up and good luck! You can do it.

~~~
citricsquid
The point regarding introverts is very important. I am probably the most _shy_
person you could ever meet, I can't look people in the eye when talking or
hold conversation, but I don't see myself as an introvert. Introverts are
people who don't _want_ or _need_ others, think of the most famous and well
liked person ever and they could easily be an introvert, how you carry
yourself or act around others is unrelated to introversion, it seems like a
weird misconception, the idea that shy == introvert, social == extrovert, when
there's no real correlation.

~~~
petercooper
Just wanted to give you a strong seconding. I'm most certainly an introvert, I
could easily spend (and enjoy) months alone with my work and hobbies, yet I'm
not shy at all and go out of my way to speak at events and meet people to
benefit my work. It takes all types..

------
sp4rki
My friend you need professional help. We are not psychologists nor
psychiatrists.

For starters the only way to meet friends is to be outgoing, being an
introvert makes this very hard, but if you really want to make friends you are
going to have to deal with your issues and talk to people. Believe it or not,
it gets better with time and as you grow.

On the other part, grades don't mean a thing, and you really need to stop
looking at things as if it was the professors fault. If you really feel that
college was lacking in some way you need to either change college or make the
best of your situation and study by yourself what you think your your classes
are missing. In a way is as much your fault as the professors. That being
said, the past is the past and there is no point dwelling on it.

The reality of your situation is very simple actually. You want to become more
extroverted to make friends? Build something where you have to interact with
people. You want to become better at 'python programming'? Buy a few books and
build something in python, and when you're done reread the books and build
something in python (this is a _recursive_ sentence!). You feel like college
is full of people that don't care about you learning? You're right, because
the only person that cares about that is yourself, and unless you're Will
Hunting you really need to take responsibility for your life.

Also, go see a psychologist, or a psychiatrist if the situation is worse and
will require medication.

~~~
apl

      Buy a few books and build something in python, and when you're done reread the books and build something in python (this is a recursive sentence!).
    

Well, no, it's not. But never mind. Still reasonably good advice...

~~~
pjscott
It's an iterative sentence, but of course iteration and recursion are
equivalent unless you're using a compiler that doesn't have the good sense to
perform space-efficient tail call optimization. (Java, I'm looking at you.)

Seriously, though, it might be worth the OP's time to go light on classes, and
look for some programming task that's _fun._ Find something cool. I've been
really enjoying node.js, for example, because the community feels like a city
full of still-under-construction buildings, with oddly dressed people smiling
and lurching around spasmodically, occasionally making something amazing.

If you optimize for fun, you'll learn a lot faster than you would in most
regular classes.

------
philiphodgen
1\. Go talk to someone. This is mandatory. Psychologist or psychiatrist.

2\. (I don't know if this is applicable or not but) drinking will not help.

3\. More people than you can possibly imagine have been where you are. (The
noisy "everything is fine" group has a large subset of liars and people
suffering -- like you -- are silent. Skewed sample set).

4\. It will not always be thus. The tide goes out, the tide comes in. Wait for
the tide to come in. But in the meantime start talking to someone.

~~~
throw999
Consulting pyschologists has a social stigma attached in a country where I
live. I also dont drink

~~~
cellularmitosis
you really have to just bite the bullet and go talk to a shrink. I had some
hang-ups about this initially, but afterwards I realized the outside
perspective was so helpful that I was a fool not to have done it earlier.

I think you might have a bit of anxiety. the way you describe any negative
thought or memory pulling you back down reminds me a lot of myself. the good
news is that there are lots of strategies for dealing with anxiety, and a
shrink can help point you in the right direction. hack your brain!

~~~
phamilton
I think everybody goes through that. It seems like such a big deal to go to a
shrink. Once you go, you realize everyone has issues, it's not really a big
deal.

------
lukifer
I went through a powerful emotional breakdown over the past two years, and I
have a counter-intuitive recommendation: Give up.

I don't mean abandon your plans or your dreams. I mean accept that your
feelings of worthlessness have a connection with your hopes and desires. The
more your identity is attached to the Hypothetical Someday, the less good
you're going to feel about the you of Here Now Today.

If you accept that you'll probably never get everything that you want, and
that you'll never be the person you wish you were (keep in mind, both of those
things are moving targets), you can focus on who are now and where you are
going.

Don't run from those dark thoughts and embarrassing memories. Invite them in
for tea. Let them speak their piece. And then look them square in the eye and
say "I don't need you."

Consciousness is a spotlight on a darkened, complex reality. The more you look
for the things you don't like about yourself, the more you'll find. The more
you find ways you could be better, the more you'll find ways you don't measure
up.

Stop looking. Stop trying. Just be. Move forward and grow at whatever pace
comes naturally. However far you go, it's better than sitting alone in the
corner, wishing that you magically felt different, preventing yourself from
doing anything at all.

"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."

------
noahc
The way you get better at talking to people is talking to people. At one point
in time, I was too afraid to go buy a gallon of milk by my self. I've become
one of the most extroverted people I know.

It takes time, but just say, I'm going to go talk to 2 new people today and
then go do it. Say, "Hi, How are we doing today?" and then ask them a question
about themselves. You'll fail a lot and things won't go as planned, but you'll
have a few pleasant surprises too.

~~~
dho
The experience of an introverted guy doing such an experiment for 30 days:
<http://socialskydivingwithjustin.posterous.com/>

------
lisperforlife
Dear throw999. I had a bad time at college as well. I hated it and at one
point simply stopped turning up. I lost a year because of that. But I was
spending all that time learning how to code and getting better at Quake 3. I
had made a decent bit of income by working on part time projects before I
graduated. But I understand what you are going through. Firstly, I would
strongly suggest professional help.

Losing a year or two is not a big deal. What is important that this moment
completely belongs to you. It is in your control. Dont worry about the past or
the people who bother you about the past. Do not worry about the future as
well. You shape your own future to a large extent by your actions in this
current moment. Friends are important but not the kind that they show in the
movies. What is more important than friends are your well wishers. Well
wishers come in all shapes and forms and some may not fit your definition of
friends.

Start building something. Python is not that hard. Start with Google App
Engine and python. That way you can build something quick and show it to the
world. Remember this need not be perfect. Shipping something is more important
than perfecting it. Start blogging your learnings. They help immensely serving
as a reinforcement of concepts. Don't bother about getting friends.
Participate in your local techmeets or geeknights or whatever they call it in
your area. Find people with similar interests and start hacking on a project.
It could be as simple as a todo list or a birthday reminder. Think of all the
cool features that you could add to it. Make it and show it proudly. You will
find that friends will come searching for you.

Do not try to become extroverted. You cannot do that. Instead, start writing
and reading. You have already taken the first step of opening up to the forum.
I congratulate you on that. Now all you have to do is to keep writing. Once
you gain your confidence back, you will naturally become extroverted.

Good luck and keep hacking. You know we all are.

~~~
kanwisher
Its hard to fight the urge to become an extrovert, everything on TV tries to
make you believe you have to do these things to be cool and have friends. But
like what you said, you make friends at local techmeetups. When your around
people that share the same interests its a lot easier to make friends and be
social. Start there and then work your way outwards.

------
zaph0d
I have been through the same phase. Let me give you some tips -

* Immerse yourself in programming. You have no idea how much satisfaction you can get out of it.

* Read. Read. Read. Start reading things. Read your CS books, non-fiction, etc. Read as much as you can.

* Get active in some sort of Free/Open Source Software community. Pick a project you like and start contributing. Always good to have a goal (I will fix/file/triage x bugs in x months).

* Get into IRC. ##linux-india on Freenode is a great channel full of people who hack stuff (and some other non-hackers too).

* Some people have suggested getting a girlfriend or a social life. Knowing the place you come from, that won't help. Stay away from those people. They will only make you feel worse.

* Set a goal to get into Google Summer of Code next year once you have figured out programming and working on FOSS projects.

* Study just before the exams and make sure you get out of your college as fast as possible (ie, don't drop out). If you have good knowledge of Linux systems, taking over the college labs will help you a lot. Build some sort of a hacker reputation so that people discount your bad grades.

That's pretty much what I did when I was in one of those crappy Indian
colleges. Once you have gained enough confidence, things will get better for
you.

If you need more help, email me - b.ghose at infinitelybeta.com

[update] And oh, don't worry about jobs; if you can hack, I have a job for
you.

~~~
superk
_Get into IRC_

God no. I've never known an IRC channel that was not moderated by egotistical
losers. IRC is great for coding help, not socializing. He needs _real_ people.
Not another fat, lonely kid with ban privileges.

~~~
zaph0d
You have been to all the wrong networks and the wrong channels. You have no
idea what kind of community IRC is.

------
sriramk
Reading this, this is something I could have posted from my UG college days in
India if HN had existed back then.

Just trust me - things will better.

Mail me (you can find my email address easily) if you want to talk to someone
about how terrible being a teen hacker in Indian UG colleges can be.

~~~
awa
I agree, brings back memories of my UG days, fortunately, I found a good bunch
of friends and was able to make through college with only 4 years of lost
productivity (but with a job).

You're 21, relax, join a few clubs, most Indian colleges have a IEEE branch
where you might find some people who you can get along with. Find Topcoder (or
some other community), I spent endless nights solving problems and learning a
lot.

Consider college as any other system which is hackable, if you study the right
things and get in the good side of some profs it could be a breeze and loads
of fun. Most importantly, make friends I never gave networking any weight and
apparently its the one of the most important skills you can have in the real
world

~~~
sriramk
Very good advice. Back in college, I turned to coding groups for other forms
of social support and wound up meeting a lot of interesting people. Most of
all, I met my wife through one of those groups so it worked out very well for
me indeed :)

------
jeremy82
When in school, I wasn't able to speak 2 complete sentences when explaining
something, giving presentations was simply a pain. Today, as a lecturer for
different business subjects, I am not only used to talk in front of many
people, no, I am even applauded for my entertaining kind of talking. And I
simply ENJOY it. I never use Powerpoint and most of the time I even don't have
any notes with me. How I got there? I got aware of my problem. And then I took
every possibility along the way to give presentations and to get better. This
helped a lot!

Btw, the success with the girls was a nice side effect. While labeled as a
geek when I was in school, I have had very nice and very attractive
girlfriends since I started to work on my social skills.

So GO OUT and TRY! It is the same as always: you have to do the thing you want
to be more successful in!

~~~
jules
For me giving a presentation is easier than making smalltalk about nothing...

------
_debug_
1\. Cognitive therapy-lite : Try to maintain a journal where you divide a page
into 2 columns. LHS : negative thought, such as, "I cannot talk to people; no
one likes me". RHS : objective assessment, such as, "Actually, I can talk to
people at times, especially if I am not feeling depressed, and I approach the
situation casually. There are people who like me and try to encourage me such
as x and y. I may be subtly making unnecessarily universal statements such as
'I cannot talk to people (AT ALL)'". After some time, you will get good at
correcting your excessively-negative thoughts without writing them down on
paper. You have to short circuit the mental negative talk quickly, otherwise,
it snowballs into a familiar state of depression. Read Burns' "Feeling Good"
book if you can get your hands on it in India.

2\. Whenever you get some deep, positive insights, write them down in one
place. For example, you may be sitting at the college canteen drinking some
tea and wallowing in self-pity when suddenly a person with no legs comes over
to beg for a rupee, and you suddenly see that life can be much much worse than
a temporary lack of social skills! At least you have your legs. This may seem
too trivial to be an "insight", but that is just your depression talking
again. It can be a jolting thought that forces you to play the best game you
can given the cards you were dealt out.

The age of 21 is like that. "This too shall pass", as some wise man said. All
the best! :-)

------
vimalg2
1) Join a gym. Lift progressively heavier weights. Its fine if you stick to
Deadlifts, Squats, and Bench-press (all preferably with free weights) i.e the
basic [functional+compound] lifts. Make sure a trainer corrects you on proper
Form or you'll injure yourself.

2)Pick a challenging puzzle/problem to solve during the lifting session.

You'll get over your confidence hangups and make bold strides forward in no
time.

~~~
grandalf
This is good advice b/c it breaks down the mind-body dichotomy. It is all one
piece of meat and so the key to mental happiness is physical exercise (and
plenty of sleep).

------
codedivine
Seeing a psychologist is recommended. Ignore social taboos and I say that as a
person who lived in India for 20 years.

From an Indian perspective, here is some advice:

1\. Talk to your family perhaps. Just talk about general stuff too: how they
are doing and so on. Family includes your siblings, your cousins etc. I have
wonderful sisters who make my life bright :)

2\. Do you have any friends/acquaintances etc from say high school? Call them
up and just ask how they are doing etc.

3\. You appear to be a programmer. Go out and attend some tech talks or
meetups. They are fun, you meet interesting people and they are all
programmers like you so you don't feel out of place. If there are none in your
city, try to move to Bangalore.

4\. Take up a hobby. It will take your mind off things, will be fun and
interesting and it gives you a conversation starter with non-geeks.

------
joezydeco
Free yourself from the idea that you "let go" of a few years for the purpose
of going to school instead of working on your python programming.

This is the time to learn. Nobody is expecting you to invent the next Google
at this point in your life. You've got an entire life _ahead_ of you. The fact
that you're in an undergraduate program in your country puts you light-years
ahead of your fellow citizens. You've already won a lottery that billions in
your country will never have a chance to even enter.

------
whyme
First, How is that you believe "the professors themselves dont know anything"
while at the same time your "grades were horrible".

The question is not to pick on you, but rather I really just don't understand.
Aren't the professors the one's grading you? If they are giving you poor
grades, would that not indicate they know many things while you do not?

Onwards, in my opinion, I think you're pretty selfish. And that's ok, we are
all more selfish than we realize. We've all been caught up in ourselves to the
point we become really self critical.

I hate to sound cheesy by quoting JFK - and I'm not American, but he said it
brilliantly:

    
    
        "... ask not what your country can do for you — ask what you can do for your country."
    

Not to say I want you to help your country, specifically, but rather it might
be worth choosing to spend your time finding other people who are far worse
off than you, then direct your efforts into helping them. I think you'll
discover more about yourself in the process, maybe find your true identity and
become more than someone who's overly self-concerned.

Also, maybe to help...: I travelled a lot growing up. I did notice one
peculiar thing in my travels. Often I'd move to a new school, and fit right
in. From school to school the crowds I'd fit in with would be different.
Sometimes I'd fit in with the jocks, other times I fit with the nerds. Very
rarely, only one time in fact, I found myself not fitting in with anyone....
and boy that was a doozy. It was like someone reached down from the heavens a
decided to destroy my very identity... I was starting to think like you, but
then I moved.

So maybe you're actually in one of these black hole pockets where you truly
are surrounded by all the wrong people, all the wrong things. I'm not
religious, but maybe the heavens are reaching down to you and saying - you're
not where you should be.

------
mathgladiator
I feel your pain, but it gets better. I buried myself with work to get over
the emotional times, and then when I felt like I needed a girlfriend.

I went and found one. The key is to get up to bat, then try again (and then
again (and then again)). I went through 873 girls before I found the one. I
had an Excel spreadsheet and everything. I used match.com, eHarmony, and
craigslist to troll for women. Persistence and an ever evolving filter
eventually converges.

Professors are not the best people to take advice from unless you want to live
in the ivory tower, so I wouldn't look to them for life advice. Instead, look
around and figure out what you want out of life. Do you want money? Do you
want happiness? Do you want to create things?

Once you figure out what you want, you have to work core for it.

Your grades are not what matter in life. When I interview people, I don't even
consider their education background. If I exist, then I'm sure there are
others like me in your area.

Your past is your past, and there will always be times that you regret the
stupid things you've done. Everyone has regrets, and the key is to look toward
the future and work towards it.

Instead of focusing on programming and hoping the school system will work out
for you, find a bread and butter job like psd2html where you could offer the
skills you have to keep life decent enough to build up more powerful and
effective skills.

The key to building relationships is to offer something up. Tell a joke. Help
someone move. Generally be a good person to hang around. Be someone you would
want to hang out with, and you will find friends everywhere. Humans are social
creatures, and I was extremely introverted. However, now, I can go anywhere
and strike up a conversation. How did I do this? I tried and then I tried some
more. Now, I can hustle where as I used to only be able to hack.

Life is complex, and no sequence of words will ultimately help. It is up you
to decide that you want to make things better.

------
evo_9
Some good advice here so far. Some tips on turning this thing around to
consider:

1\. This is 100% mental; beating yourself up mentally internally or otherwise
only contributes to the problem - try the opposite. 'Meditate' on positive
thoughts (or even a single thought) when this crops up. Self-doubt is the
mind-killer; never forget that.

2\. Everyone is good at a thing or two - for me it's hockey and music (well
other than coding of course) - focus on the positives that those bring into
your life when you feel your self-worth going south. Make a habit of reminding
yourself of the things that few people can do better than you.

3\. Start to exercise regularly. It's amazing how effective regularly
releasing endorphins into your bloodstream is. Plus, it helps boost your self-
confidence.

4\. When you go out for lunch, groceries, errands - whatever- make a habit of
striking up a conversation with a total stranger or a group of strangers (yes,
it is scary actually). I do this when I'm at lunch alone, often talking with
someone, or a group of people sitting near me. No your waiter/waitress or
bartender does not count. I find that it forces me out of my 'shell' and I
usually learn something interesting as well (people are pretty interesting if
you give them a chance it turns out). BTW, when I chat people up at lunch or
in the line at the bank, grocer store, wherever I never consider who they are
or their age... aka, I'm not just doing this with women I may be interested
in, or just guys around my age... I'll strike up a conversation with an older
women, teens, a family, whomever. It's a great way to break out of your
natural introversion shell and it's interesting to see what 'normal folk'
think (cause let's face it - Hackers are not normal folk at all).

5\. The more comfortable you are with yourself the more comfortable you will
be around others; the opposite is also true.

6\. Do not seek professional help - you are normal for your age. If anything
you might want to look into something like David DeAngelo's books/vids, which
I've recommended to several friends who recently divorced (which your
situation is oddly similar too I might add - it's a very isolating period for
most men); DeAngelo 'preaches' a lot about developing a stronger mental/inner
'game', honing your social skills and above all being confident (and funny) in
who you are - if you can master just that - being confident and funny - you
will be a whiz in social situation in no time.

~~~
say_
"6. Do not seek professional help - you are normal for your age."

But people throw years of their lives away thinking this when, in fact, they
have a real problem. Seeking consultation from a professional is the low-risk,
potentially high reward choice.

~~~
evo_9
Age 30, sure. Age 21, when you are still figuring out who the real you is...
not sure that helps or hurts.

At his age he'd be better off reading some good non-tech books... Catcher in
the Rye, Siddhartha, Fountainhead, a Taoism book... maybe a Philip K. Dick
book or Vonnegut for some fun.

Maybe it's just me but I haven't run across too many mental health
professionals that really seemed to know what they were doing. It's like
chiropractors - there are a lot of them that are doing more harm than good it
seems.

------
peterarmstrong
You are 21. At 21 I thought I'd made all kinds of mistakes too. In fact, I
had! But you've only had about 3 or 4 years of quasi-adulthood to make them!

At 21 you think you've had a past, and you have, but your past is almost
entirely a childhood. Mistakes you have made in your past at 21 are mostly
childhood mistakes.

By the time you're 34 (as I am) you'll have had 17 years of adult-esque time
to make all kinds of mistakes. You'll have also had all kinds of time to make
major changes and accomplish major things.

Unless you had a truly horrific past, at 21 you can pivot to doing almost
anything.

This is especially true in university. In undergraduate at university I
switched majors from International Business (about 8 months until I fell in
love with 100-level Economics) to Economics (about a month, until I realized
it was all math) to Philosophy (about a year; it was really fun but I didn't
want to do it professionally) to Cognitive Psychology (which I completed a
major in) to Computer Science (which was the other half of my double-major).
If you add that up and include co-op work terms, it took 6 years! At the end
of it, did I wish I'd had the "wasted" time back once I was a software
developer? Sure! I'd missed a good portion of the dot-com boom, and it would
have been really fun, presumably :) But I learned a lot from the "wasted"
time, and that's what undergraduate is for.

Everyone in their 30s (and older) will probably tell you that you have "so
much time", and I'm sure it's infuriating to hear about all the choice etc
when you probably don't have much money or direction. But you also presumably
don't have a mortgage or children! So, you have more "degrees of freedom", in
that your income requirement is a _lot_ lower. So, you can make huge changes
with a lot less risk than when you're older. You won't realize how huge an
opportunity that is until you are older. But trust me: it is.

TL;DR - Don't obsess over your supposedly wasted time; you've hardly had any
time _to_ waste. Take some time to decide what you want to do and become, then
figure out the next action you could take to get slightly closer to that goal.
Then repeat as necessary.

------
grandalf
My advice to you is simple:

\- Get lots of vigorous exercise. Run for over 1 hour each day, etc. Your
exercise regimen should take 2 solid hours of your day.

\- Get plenty of sleep. Be sure you are getting at least 8 hours per night at
predictable times.

\- Start reading for pleasure. Preferably a novel, even an audiobook is great
for this.

\- When you're getting started with this, ban yourself from doing any work for
4 days and just exercise, sleep, read, and relax.

You may have psychiatric issues, but more likely this is a small slump and you
just need to change up your routine and let your body produce a bit more
natural dopamine.

------
MattGrommes
Metanote: The last time I saw a topic like this come up on proggit, almost all
of the messages were people saying they would be happy to go have beers with
the poster and chat. I like the HN community but this is a pretty stark
difference with the "advice" he's being given here. Interesting.

So in the spirit of a slightly nicer community, if you were in San Diego I'd
be happy to get some beers with you and talk to you about this. I'm 32 now but
I was a 21 year old introvert who had just dropped out of school and had low
self-esteem once and now would consider myself successful in making a living
programming. The thing that got me going was just getting to work. Start
making something. Making progress on a project is important and will certainly
help your self-esteem. I always learn by picking a project and figuring out
the technology/language I need as I go. It helps, believe me. Don't give up,
just keep moving. I've never personally been bothered by loneliness but
there's got to be clubs and groups around, even if they're like Public
Speaking clubs or whatever. You don't have to date or even make best friends
in school, just meet people and let things happen.

------
dctoedt
Do some weekly volunteer work to help others, even (or especially) if the work
is "beneath you." It's not a guaranteed cure-all, but it's highly likely to
make you feel better -- it gives you a different perspective, and reminds you
that there are people worse off than you (and there seems to be evidence that
humans _like_ to feel that they're better off than others).

(Some evolutionary psychologists also think there's evidence that "feeling
good from doing good" is a selected-for trait. That's because the doing-good
that results from the feeling-good can confer advantages on kin or on a group.
EXAMPLE: Other things being equal, a parent who happens to derive pleasure
from caring for his/her offspring is more likely to have his/her genes passed
on to _grand_ children. EXAMPLE: OTBE, an infantry squad whose members happen
to feel an urge to look out for one another is more likely to succeed in war
than an every-man-for-himself mob.)

------
hardy263
Are you in any clubs/sports? I'm a freshman at university, and I know that I'm
incredibly introverted. Most of my friends in high school talked to me first
and that's how I made friends. I realized it wouldn't be so easy in
university. Now that they're not with me, the first logical thing I did was
join a club.

I joined the dragon boat club because on a boat, you're going to need good
teamwork or else you're going to sink. And often sports clubs will have
teamwork building exercises like learning people's names. It's getting through
that first step of knowing the person's name that's the hardest. Once you're
at a first-name basis with someone, it's a lot easier to talk to them.

------
willcannings
You already have a lot of advice :) But I'll add that if you focus on negative
memories a lot you may need to consider if you have OCD or an anxiety
disorder, and the anhedonia could be a sign of depression. The best treatment
for these disorders is a short term medication with longer term psychological
treatment (normally cognitive behavioural therapy).

But, if a psychologist or psychiatrist is out of the question, you can try
some cognitive behavioural therapy online for free and in private:
<[http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome>](http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome>); The
study behind this website actually showed it was more effective than visiting
a therapist in person! There's a decent number of CBT exercises to complete,
and it seems quite a few people get better simply by using the site without
any psychological intervention.

But more importantly: it's sometimes possible to channel your negative
emotions to good use. But sometimes it's not, and that's OK. Forget the advice
that you should just 'man up' - if you feel the need to reach out here then
it's a sign that what you have may be more than just a low attitude. It's OK
to ask for help, it's OK to get it, and regardless of whether there's a stigma
attached to mental ill health, it's OK to get professional help. There's
nothing 'wrong' with you, but you can get help for everything you've mentioned
if you feel you need it.

------
prabodh
I would say be out of internet for few days...And interact with fellow
students & people directly

------
jiganti
Your mentality is self-fulfilling. If you think you have a problem and can't
get better without professional help, you probably won't get better.
Introversion isn't so deeply ingrained in your genetics that it can't be
conditioned out of, and I speak from experience.

Your problem right now is that you don't really believe that making a
concerted effort, despite how uncomfortable it might feel, is ultimately going
to be worth it. (or even work, for that matter) It is.

------
sn
Speaking from personal experience:

1\. Seriously consider getting your own place or room. At minimum find
somewhere you can go to be by yourself and not worried about being judged.

2\. In the US (don't know about India) grades mostly only matter when you're
first out of college. For a bachelors I think good internships can partially
make up for it.

3\. Take fewer classes at a time and you will have more time to learn and
succeed.

4\. Maybe consider starting / joining a study group for your classes. You get
some socialization and there is a clear topic for discussion.

5\. Along those lines also consider joining clubs for any interests you have.
Again, already having a shared interest means you don't have to fish as much
for something to talk about.

6.Failures fade as time goes on. My guess, though not knowing the culture, is
that nobody is likely to bring up the F you had 10 years after you graduate.

7\. Your life can change a lot after you graduate. Moving somewhere completely
new can give you a completely fresh start -- that's what I did. Perhaps go as
far as starting with all new possessions.

8\. This is conjecture and something I am going to try myself, but break down
big tasks into short tasks you can complete in a couple hours (perhaps
answering 2 homework problems.) Write down your successes in a book. It will
add up over time.

9\. Given finite energy and time, I would spend more time on the classes for
now. The classes will go away before people do.

10\. Lower risk relationships, such as people who you could simply never see
again if something bad happens, may be easier to deal with.

------
csomar
Don't listen to what people on HN say. They don't know what a third world
country means. I mean, they are talking about the USA.

As you know, in a third world country, especially when the state has more
power (biggest % of jobs), the only way to prove yourself and get a job is a
"degree".

India is big, so may be things there are a little different. But trust me,
don't drop from college. You know that people without degrees are underpaid
and can hardly make a living. Don't drop, get the degree, I know the college
sucks, because the education level is so low and professor are just there to
take their salary at the end of the month.

If you are smart you'll get the degree. Drop if you make money. Your business
is more important than that college degree, but if you don't have any business
or freelancing didn't go well with you, don't drop.

I'm a university student and I'll be starting a company in the next few
months. If things started to shift quite considerably, I'll ditch that uni.
and go full time business; otherwise, my degree is there. The spare wheel! I
know the salary sucks, anyway, but that's better than staying jobless or doing
something totally irrelevant.

Follow your heart, but be careful at taking decisions.

------
doki_pen
You are depressed. You are not seeing things clearly. You are being much
harder on yourself then you need to be. There could be one million and one
reasons you are depressed. Be open minded to the fact that maybe the mistakes
you made in the past aren't as bad as you think they are. You are a human
being, like everyone else, and you aren't perfect. Also, try to judge other
people less harshly. I often find that I must judge myself with the same
strength that I judge other people. If I can't forgive others for their
errors, how can I forgive myself? Know that you aren't the only person has had
these feelings. They are normal, and they will pass. Try and use it as
motivation to do things that will make you value yourself more. Only you know
your own values, so no one can tell you what to do.

------
AttentionStepFn
I know a lot about this first hand, so I will give you two very simple pieces
of advice that will help improve your life by 10x in 1 year if you take them.
It won't be easy and it will take 1 year, so you have to stick with it. The
good news is that it's fairly easy after you do it the first time.

1) Go talk to more people. Half of them may be ass holes. Another 45% may not
care but as edw519 said "Fuck that shit". The 5% who will become your friends
will be worth their weight in gold.

2) Work hard and know that the world doesn't owe you anything. Guidance is for
you to seek. If teachers are bad, teach yourself. You are lucky to know
English and be in a position where you can learn programming in a world filled
with poor people who don't get to eat twice a day. You need to not just accept
but believe that you are lucky.

------
julius_geezer
I guess it depends on the resources available. If the counselors are as bad as
you say the professors are, seeing a counselor might not help. But you might
do well to give them a shot, and then decide. Otherwise, I will say that

1\. The man who did not waste a great deal of time at your age is unusual and
fortunate. As for self confidence, it seems to distributed every evenly among
those who have reasons for it and those who have none; in my day I met quite a
few undergraduates with great self confidence that may have carried over from
being in a cool crowd in high school, but who seemed to me to be of very
little interest.

2\. Some of the future is in your hands, but none of the past is. Evaluate
your past for what it can do for you, but try not to dwell on it.

3\. Trust me, it is not only in India that one meets dud professors.

------
chipsy
Don't worry about the particulars of your problems. Everyone has problems(and
they will often go out of their way to hide them), but the best way to resolve
them is to keep working on yourself and try to find whatever lifestyle you are
looking for, within the context of being a student. The small positive habits
can build up to help you achieve larger results, because at each step you will
worry a little less about your life, and feel a little bit freer to take
action.

Most of the other suggestions here are based on exactly those kinds of small
habits - take exercise, eat well, try to talk to people, etc. Many people
enter adulthood retaining major imbalances in their personality, and they tend
to find their way towards balance only with the passage of years and effort.

------
Estragon
Meditation can help

 _The Mindful Way Through Depression: Freeing Yourself From Chronic
Unhappiness_

[http://books.google.com/books?id=uE-
HjrA2yJIC&printsec=f...](http://books.google.com/books?id=uE-
HjrA2yJIC&printsec=frontcover&#v=onepage&q&f=false)

------
known
Go and work in farm lands in a nearby village for 3 months. Helps in
reinventing yourself.

------
crazymik3
Hey man, we all go through rough patches in our life. You're at a very good
position right now to do something about it. You have a lot ahead of you.
Looking at the past, and making unrealistic goals for the future won't help.
Look at the present, what can you do right now to make things better?

It's not going to happen in a day, it'll take time. We're all strong and you
can get through it. Talking to someone helps. We've all been there and when I
talked to a professional it made the world of a difference, but see what you
can do for yourself first.

------
Stevenup7002
I don't think hacker news is the right place to be asking advice. After all,
from what I can tell, the level of confidence among the people here is very
high :).

My personal advice would be to get busy with something that doesn't involve
college, like a web app or a game, and keep at it. I've found that seeing a
project you've worked on all by yourself slowly come to life is a great
confidence booster. If that doesn't help you, maybe you should look for
professional help. Good luck man!

------
blender
Sounds like you have Generalized Anxiety Disorder although IANAP. You should
talk to someone. You could also try Inositol, Passionflower and/or St. John's
Wort as herbal remedies.

Cheers

------
sundarurfriend
I am in a very similar situation and am slowly recovering from a depression
due to such issues. For me at least, a lot of the advice here would have been
terrible when I was in a worse state (presumably the OP's current state).
throw999, please contact me at my mail ID (it's in my profile), there would be
a lot we could learn from each other, specifically I might be able to give you
some useful tips since I've recently crossed that hell.

------
ashedryden
I've been there. I think all of us have been there.

It really helped me to find people that were passionate about the same things
I was. I found user groups and not only went to them, became an active member
and organizer. People come to me to talk more often than I go to them to talk
now. It's great and feeling useful helps carry me through everything else in
my life that seems difficult and overwhelming.

------
nck4222
Everyone screws up (far worse than getting bad grades). You should be proud
that you've fixed your mistakes, not embarrassed that you made them.

------
turbojerry
First of all, congratulations, you have admitted you have a problem, that is a
huge step, and I'm not just saying that for effect, many people I know, with
one problem or another, either do not realise they have a problem or are in
denial about it. As to what to do next, well it depends on whether you need
the help of a therapist, if your university has a student councillor you might
start there, if not you can go to your regular doctor and have him recommend
someone. What I would say is that you can change, and that you might need to
try a bunch of different things to find out what works for you, from just
talking to SSRIs to behavioral therapy to hypnosis / Neurolinguistic
programming etc. if you are diagnosed with a disorder, if that is the case I
would recommend you read "Living With Schizoaffective Disorder" by Micheal
Crawford, while probably not the same condition it might help you undestand
what is happening and help you through treatment.

<http://www.geometricvisions.com/schizoaffective-disorder/>

If on the other hand it turns out you're just a normal shy introvert you might
want to watch others changing themselves in TV shows like Beauty and the Geek
and The Pickup Artist, or read Yes Man by Danny Wallace, once you see other
people change it might help you realise that plenty of other people have faced
similar challenges and that there is hope for you. Who knows, in a few years
you might be writing a post to someone who is where you were when you posted
here. I'll leave you with a little Zen.

Once upon the time there was an old farmer who had worked his crops for many
years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came
to visit. “Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically.

“Maybe,” the farmer replied.

The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses.
“How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaimed.

“Maybe,” replied the old man.

The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was
thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on
his misfortune.

“Maybe,” answered the farmer.

The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into
the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The
neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.

“Maybe,” said the farmer.

------
jfi
You've realized a few parts that didn't go so well and that you would have
maybe done differently. That's all in the past. Start your course re-
navigation today! Try to take all the things that make you embarrassed in the
past and use them as learning experiences, rather than baggage that makes
today more difficult.

------
utefan001
We have all have had embarrassing situations in our life. Don't worry about
what other people think of you. Once you do that, life gets so much easier.

If you can buy a bike, do it, go ride, see how big and beautiful the world
around you is. When you exercise, it will make you feel so much better.

Last, invite a girl to go on a bike ride with you!

------
ericmsimons
Forget about your past, look at the future. If you keep living in your past
you won't get sh*t done in your life.

------
mburney
Have you tried meditation? I have had anxiety issues in the past and
practicing meditation has worked wonders.

~~~
throw999
a few times

~~~
gcheong
I would suggest trying a mindfulness-based cognitive therapy approach such as
ACT. A couple good places to start:

<http://thehappinesstrap.com/>

<http://contextualpsychology.org/act_for_the_public>

------
ethanhuynh
read pick-up materials like "The game", you'll be surprised to learn that even
some average people who tried hard to overcome their fear and negative side
can become winners (well, in term of winning women), but technically it'll
help you more than that, you'll learn how to become alpha, the type of ppl who
loves taking risk, like approaching women without the fear of being rejected
(just like doing startups). the point is you need to do risky things,
challenge yourself, put yourself to the limits, then you'll feel rewarding
after all those efforts (doesn't matter much if you fail or not). Hope it
helps

------
eof
For more specific advice, drop out of college and wonder why you are pursuing
'success.' Until you have an answer for that, don't feel obliged to do
anything other than survive and not go into bad debt.

------
BjornW
Many have already said it better and more in detail, so I'll keep it brief:
not all is gloom and doom. You will (re)discover your strength. Talk with
someone you trust or a professional. Take care!

------
geuis
Hey if you're in or near San Francisco we're having a party tonight. You are
invited. Email me geuis.teses@gmail.com

------
atomical
Are there student groups you could join?

------
mleonhard
Do you get enough sleep each night?

~~~
sn
This is really, really important. Not getting enough sleep will just make any
problem worse.

------
bpourriahi
Don't make external goals. Only make internal goals. Judge yourself based on
that.

------
robryan
There is something about India, from the help posts we do get on here much is
made of tradition and culture and stigma that prevents them from doing what
they really want to do. I think the parents, communities expectations, while
probably well meaning, do a lot more harm than good in the end.

------
catfish
You need a girlfriend.

Find one and get busy.

------
Moniker
Let's be scientific about this.

Studies have shown that cognitive-behavioral therapy is a great treatment for
depression and anxiety. But don't take my word for it - here's an excerpt from
a class at Yale taught by the psychologist Paul Bloom, which can be found here
( [http://oyc.yale.edu/yale/psychology/introduction-to-
psycholo...](http://oyc.yale.edu/yale/psychology/introduction-to-
psychology/content/transcripts/transcript18.html) ):

"In turn, there is a cognitive behavioral therapy that's based on Beck's
theory. And the major steps in this involve identifying the themes in a
person's negative thoughts and triggers for them and in helping the person
challenge those thoughts by asking them what the evidence is for their
interpretations, whether there are other ways of looking at the situation, how
they could cope with the situation if a bad thing really did happen. So, the
therapist helps the client recognize negative beliefs or assumptions and then
challenges the truth value of these, and then change aspects of the
environment that are related to depressive symptoms. So, they challenge your
rational thinking, but they also recognize that there are really bad things
that sometimes are going on the life of a person who is depressed, and they
help them engage in more active problem solving to change those environments.
They also teach the person ways to manage their mood so that they don't tumble
down into depression. And these cognitive behavioral therapies have been shown
to be extremely effective and as effective in some ways as the drug
treatments.

So, this is a recent study in which they had 240 patients with major
depressive disorder. They gave them four months of acute treatment with either
cognitive behavioral therapy or Paxil, which is an SSRI. And in eight weeks
here--they also had a placebo control group where they just got a pill, but it
was a sugar pill. At eight weeks, the Paxil group, which is in red, and the
CBT group, which is in yellow, were relatively even, although the Paxil group
had a little bit of an edge over the CBT group. But by sixteen weeks the Paxil
and CBT group were absolutely even in terms of the percent of people who were
no longer depressed. So, both of them resulted in about 60% of people not
being depressed.

And then one of the things that's been found over and over again with
cognitive behavioral therapy is that it not only helps people get out of a
current episode of depression, it helps to prevent future episodes of
depression because it teaches the person new coping skills for dealing with
new stressors that arise. So, in this same study they followed the patients
for an additional twelve months. And of the Paxil group, half were left on
full-dose medications to see if you could prevent depression by just keeping
people on the meds, and half of the Paxil group were withdrawn to a placebo.
And let's look at the placebo group first here.

This is the sad news about depression. If you just take drugs to get out of a
current episode and you go off of the drugs without having any kind of
psychotherapy, your rate of relapse tends to be very high. So, in this group
of 240, almost 80% relapsed in the first year after going off of the active
medication. Again, these were people who did not get any cognitive behavioral
therapy. Of those people who stayed on Paxil alone, about 50% relapsed. But of
those people who got cognitive behavioral therapy, only about 35% relapsed.
And this kind of finding has been replicated over and over again, namely that
CBT can reduce the rate of relapse in depression quite dramatically."

Another leading psychologist, Jonathan Haidt of Ted fame (
<http://www.ted.com/speakers/jonathan_haidt.html> ) runs a website about the
psychology of happiness, including what to do if you're depressed (and/or
anxious).I can't summarize the site into a few sentences, but I would like to
highlight this excerpt:

"Happiness doesn't come entirely from within, but if you ever have to choose
between changing your thinking or changing the world to make it conform to
your wishes, be sure to choose the former. Particularly if you scored below
average on the various happiness and optimism measures above, the odds are
good that you'll benefit from some form of cognitive therapy. Even if you
scored above average, you probably have some unhealthy thought patterns: are
you very sensitive to rejection? Do you tend to hold on to anger? Do you
ruminate about the things you should have said, and kick yourself for days
over the things you did say? Cognitive therapy, meditation, and anti-
depressant drugs all help you change your thoughts and reduce pessimism and
rumination.

Learn to do cognitive therapy on yourself. It's easy, and it works like magic.
Start by reading a book such as Mind Over Mood, by Padesky & Greenberger, or
Feeling Good by David Burns, or Learned Optimism, by Marty Seligman. (For
problems with anxiety, see The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook.) Learn the names of
the common thought distortions and fill out a "dysfunctional thoughts record"
each time you have one."

The full website can be found here:
<http://www.happinesshypothesis.com/beyond-gethappy.html>

~~~
sabat
I suggested David Burns' book (Feeling Good)for just the reasons you're
stating. CBT treats the symptoms more than the root causes, but from what I
can figure, he's in crisis and needs to work on the symptoms first. This is
good advice you've given, and should be voted up much higher.

------
fdschoeneman
It seems you're experiencing a couple of problems. Allow me to restate them:

1) You don't have many friends, and (I assume, though this isn't clear) that
you wish you had more.

2) You feel your educational institutions are failing you, in the sense that
they are not educating you.

3) You are ashamed of yourself, and things that you have done, so much so that
it keeps you from moving forward with studying or doing well in school and, (I
also assume) working on things outside of school.

You then made a specific request for advice on how you can forget what you see
as your shitty past, because you believe this will help you to move forward.

Sound about right?

Well okay let's deal with #1 first. How to get more friends and be less
lonely. Most people can't control whether or not other people think they're
funny, or think they're cool, or like them. Seriously. Walk up to someone and
try to make them like you. It doesn't work, even if you are charming or funny
or cool. But what you can control is whether or not you are a good person. A
good person helps others out without the expectation of reward. A good person
doesn't talk shit about people behind their backs. A good person stands up for
those weaker than himself. Perhaps you could start by offering to tutor
someone who is struggling with Python. You could spend time talking to an old
woman, or someone with a physical disability.

Work on being a good person. Once you've done that, the friends will come, and
the loneliness will fix itself.

As a corollary to this, do an inventory of your friends, even though you don't
have many, and of your family members. Are they good people? Or are they
shallow and small minded or mean or alcoholic? Do they talk about other people
behind their backs? Are they negative, or hypercritical? If so, get them out
of your life. People can be heat sinks, just like a swimming pool. You don't
notice them draining your energy, in fact maybe being around them can seem
pleasant. But over time, just as an 80 degree swimming pool will suck heat
energy out of your body at an alarming rate, so can negative people.

Which brings me to problem number two. It sounds like your instructors and
professors aren't adding anything to your life. You must now either find
professors or teachers who do add to your life, and will take an interest in
you, or you need to get the fuck out of college. It's okay to give up on
formal education, especially if you have a good brain. Learn the shit out of
python from books. Build toy applications. Get a job. Contribute to open
source. There is more than one way to get an education.

And regarding problem number three, I really like the advice by Swombat above.
You ain't alone, bubba. Nobody cares except for you.

And I know this won't be popular advice, but maybe it's time you thought of a
change. I don't know that I'd recommend the Indian Army for a change of pace,
but I spent 4 years in the US Army as a paratrooper between high school and
college, and it helped me to get over my own bullshit. Again, my bullshit was
very similar to yours. No friends, didn't like my instructors at college, and
my family wasn't much help.

Whatever happens, you're not alone, and good luck. You'd be surprised at how
many people there are out there who, once they decide you're a good person,
will want to see you succeed.

------
tsiki
Lots of good (and bad) advice here already, but here are my 5 cents:

Being more outgoing. There are two steps here that need to work for that to
happen: you need to like the person you are in social situations, and you
can't care about what people think of you.

To elaborate on the first point, you need to enjoy social situations. Don't go
into social situations to "meet friends" or get "rid of you social anxiety" -
go into them to have fun (here the second step needs to be in order, but more
about that later). If you have fun, you'll meet people who you think are fun
to be around with - and there's a good chance they think the same of you at
that point. Also, liking the person you are usually includes things like not
being arrogant etc (for most people anyway).

The second point: don't care about what people think of you. This doesn't mean
you shouldn't care about what people think - they can have interesting,
magnificent, cool ideas, but it's just their opinion of you that shouldn't
matter. As long as you like the person you are (see point above), no one
else's opinion should matter. I have maybe 5 people in my life whom I'd listen
to if they said seriously commented on something about me. It's very hard to
express yourself openly and have fun if there's something in the back of your
mind telling you how you should care about what all the people present think
of you.

In my experience, you can't have one without the other. Both of those need to
be in order to actually enjoy being around people.

Then, your study habits (remembering crap when trying to study). I had (well,
have to some degree) the exact same problem as you. I can't say I've found the
magic bullet, but I think I've got the basic psychology down. Think about what
you do when that train of thought starts to appear? I'd bet good money you
hold out for a while, but eventually give in and watch a movie/new episode of
House/play WoW/etc. That's a pattern your mind has learned over the time: if
you start thinking about crap you'll eventually get rewarded with the latest
antics of that funny doctor. Breaking that pattern is hard, but if you have
got the socialization part down, it becomes easier, as you have much less
embarrasing things to care about. As soon as you start thinking those
thoughts, you need to redirect them to the task at hand. And again. And again.

Throughout all of this, one important skill is redirecting your thoughts. Find
yourself at a party, thinking if the thing you just said was maybe a bit
awkward? You need to redirect your thoughts to the task at hand, having fun.
Talking to a new friend, thinking how you should respond so he'd think good of
you? See previous action. Thinking about crap while studying? Redirect your
thoughts to that funny thing that happened last week or the task at hand.

Obviously it'll take a long time before you change your thought patterns
permanently, but don't despair, you're only 21.

------
sabat
I agree on finding a good therapist. However, you can and should also help
yourself.

Suggestions: pick up Feeling Good by David Burns. It's exceedingly practical
and will help you quickly.

Start an exercise program. It does not need to be ambitious. Just start a
routine of walking every day for 20+ minutes. Listen to music or a podcast or
the radio -- associate something positive with it so that you're more likely
to do it. Why exercise? Endorphins, sure, but also because there is clinical
evidence that physical exercise on a daily basis _changes the brain_ in a
positive way and fights depression.

If it's not obvious to you: you're depressed. I'm not qualified to make that
judgement, but I'd be willing to bet you are. The good news: you can fight it
and win.

Fish oil! This is another thing that's been shown to have a positive effect on
mood. [edit] Fish or flaxseed oil is what you want, either in 'pill' form or
as a liquid.

------
alnayyir
Happiness is a choice, virtually all programmers have been there, depressed
that at some point in their life.

"Shitty past" pffft. Some people starve and die before they're 10. I had what
is a comparatively "rough" start to life compared to most in my country, but I
don't think it actually matters or should have any impact on my present
happiness.

tl;dr Grow up, get out of your room, choose to be happy.

------
itistoday
throw999, Some serious advice that I'm willing to get downvoted for: try
taking a medium to large dose of a psychedelic (psilocybin perhaps). Make it
an introspective journey, follow the best practices, have a sitter (closest
friend is good), be in a comfortable, safe place, etc.

~~~
raquo
Why on earth? That's not the best or safest way to get positive emotions, and
in long terms leads nowhere.

~~~
itistoday
"Best"--I'm not sure of, it's certainly up there though. "Safest"--It's quite
safe, especially if done in the right set and setting [1].

    
    
      [1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Set_and_setting

~~~
scrollbar
Regardless of the situation, the poster does not seem to be in a stable enough
mental state for this kind of experience. While you may have had
transformative experiences with these substances, you have to remember that
there is a dark side as well. Going into a psychedelic trip with a depressed,
lonely mindset could very well amplify that and cause the poster to do
something unfortunate.

Maybe a guided MDMA experience would be better, so that the poster can talk
through the issues with someone IRL. Still, it's not our place to be
"prescribing" drugs to someone who really should be getting some professional
opinions.

~~~
itistoday
_> Still, it's not our place to be "prescribing" drugs to someone who really
should be getting some professional opinions._

Of course it's not our place to prescribe drugs. I am not prescribing
anything.

If you say you're tired and someone tells you, "Grab a cup of coffee" or "Take
a nap", are they writing you a prescription? No!

This advice is given in the same spirit, and while you may think it's bad
advice, that is your opinion, based, _hopefully_ , on your personal
experience. This is my opinion, it happens to differ with yours, and it _is_
based on my personal experience, and it also happens to be grounded in sound
science. [1]

No prescription necessary, just an honest suggestion that the poster is free
to research for him or herself.

Yes, there are risks to be aware of, and hence my mentioning set and setting,
and the importance of having a sitter. Take the advice or leave it, I'm just
mentioning it, and yes, conditionally endorsing it.

    
    
      [1] https://secure.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/wiki/Psilocybin#2006_Johns_Hopkins_experiment

------
superk
Dude, start drinking. You will get over your inhibitions and meet people. You
will have the best and worst experiences of your life. And sometime after it
is all said and done you will find yourself.

~~~
doki_pen
Horrible advice. If you need a drug that makes it easier to talk to people,
Alcohol is one of the worst choices.

~~~
superk
And yet it's consumed by about 2 _billion_ people worldwide. The OP's problem
is that he's a 21yo boy. Talking about his problems with a shrink and taking
little colored pills is not going to help him have the experiences he needs to
grow.

~~~
atomical
You don't have a thorough understanding about how psychologists help people.
Pills aren't always prescribed and sometimes it's nice to have a professional
evaluate your life and make some suggestions. And little? I don't think
depression is a "little problem."

~~~
superk
_You don't have a thorough understanding about how psychologists help people._

That's probably because I've never known any who have.

 _And little? I don't think depression is a "little problem."_

Fair enough. I switched little to the colored pills.

Anyway, he asked for advice from a bunch of random people on the internet -
and IMO there were a lot of good ones... exercising and stuff like that - but
that takes real effort and the OP doesn't seem capable of that right now. So
in that context I think my advice was as fair as the rest - certainly seems to
work for the socially awkward in the rest of the world which is why it's
pretty much accepted in every culture everywhere.

Edit: Wish I could get Kingfisher and Taj Mahal here...

