
My name is Wil Wheaton. I live with chronic Depression, and I am not ashamed - vimalvnair
http://wilwheaton.net/2018/05/my-name-is-wil-wheaton-i-live-with-chronic-depression-and-i-am-not-ashamed/
======
Waterluvian
I encourage everyone to consider finding time for this lecture on depression:
[https://youtu.be/TIcf-2AFHgw](https://youtu.be/TIcf-2AFHgw)

It helped me frame what depression the disease is compared to our broad usage
of the word in everyday contexts. In particular it describes both the biology
and psychology of depression.

~~~
thevardanian
I absolutely adore Sapolsky, and suggest everyone also listen/watch his human
behavioral biology lectures. They were infinitely more interesting to me than
my intro to psyc class, and perhaps more informative.

------
narrator
Here is a terrible awful fact most people are unaware of: The suicide rate has
been going up steadily since 2000 and we are back where we were in the mid
1980s[1]. I found this out by listening to a speech from a mental health
convention where the doctor giving the speech was blasting the commonly held
idea that antidepressants had solved everything.

[1] [https://www.npr.org/sections/health-
shots/2016/04/22/4748888...](https://www.npr.org/sections/health-
shots/2016/04/22/474888854/suicide-rates-climb-in-u-s-especially-among-
adolescent-girls)

~~~
Bucephalus355
The suicide rate for 10-14 year olds has increased over 250% since 2007.

~~~
georgebarnett
This is shocking.

Could you please provide a reference so I may link others to this?

~~~
Bucephalus355
Dr. Jean Twenge from UC San Diego and CDC Mortality Statistics.

BTW the 250% number is for boys only. For girls 10-14, it’s about 325%.

[https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/09/has-
the...](https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/09/has-the-
smartphone-destroyed-a-generation/534198/)

------
dingaling
That must have been difficult to write, but it was also difficult to read. I
don't think he needed to lash-out at the adults who didn't understand his
illness; how was a director in a weekly TV show meant to diagnose and
accommodate depression when he's handling dozens of people to a tight
schedule?

Its the same in any context of work, unfortunately. You're just a cog and if
the cog jams, add more oil or replace it. That's probably not something a
teenager would have understood, hence his frustrated efforts to find answers
from adults he held in regard, and I don't know what the solution is. But
sniping isn't it.

I am glad that Mr Wheaton is in a better condition and hopefully this essay
will help others, but it seemed unnecessarily cruel in places.

~~~
mercer
Surely we can do _much_ better as a society than to defend a system where
people are treated as 'cogs', especially when it concerns an industry that is
particularly known for abuse of young people?

I've had plenty of jobs where I wasn't just a 'cog', and where my boss treated
me like a proper human. I also try to do the same when others work for me. And
as far as I can tell this is a perfectly workable approach.

And while I do understand it's easy to adjust to whatever system you find
yourself part of, however complicit it makes you, actively defending it as
'just the way it is' and calling its critics 'cruel' just baffles me.

(err, not 'you' as in you. Just people. It's happened to me, so I'm no saint.)

------
mephitix
This hits pretty close to home. I've been seeing therapists for my anxiety but
they haven't really helped much, and occasionally there are times when I just
have a pretty bad day.

I have a lot of fear, but there is no physical manifestation of it - it is
fear of lack of worth, lack of success, lack of love, lack of acknowledgement.
I overanalyze everything that I do and everything others say or do to me.

I could probably point to many things in my past to blame but I'm done trying
to retro-analyze myself and just want to fix things.

I'm afraid of trying anti-depressants but I've been seriously thinking about
getting a dog (I liked that Wil mentioned that his dogs help him :). I've
always wanted one and I feel like at the least doggo would give me some
comfort and put things in perspective.

I really appreciate Wil writing his thoughts down and giving suggestions. It
definitely helps a lot. I actually keep a running list of tiny things that
I've found that help me - things to think about and do, in a moment of anxiety
or sadness. One day I hope to share that with others too.

~~~
danra
> This hits pretty close to home. I've been seeing therapists for my anxiety
> but they haven't really helped much

My personal experience was similar - I’ve seen numerous therapists over the
years before finally meeting a therapist who did help very much. It seems to
me that finding a good therapist - one who is both objectively good at his job
and subjectively fits your needs in his work method and personality - is hard.

I think this is something that gets missed a lot. Any therapist worth his salt
would tell you that therapy is a long process which requires time to succeed.
And that’s true, but it also makes it even _harder_ to find a good fit. None
of my non-matching therapists ever told me I should consider a different
therapist, even when in retrospect it was the right thing to do after giving
their own process a good long chance. While the principal-agent problem may be
a factor, I think the main reason is the therapists’ sincere will to help
(with their own process). But it also means that unless you are already aware
of the fact that therapists aren’t all similar, given the super-subjective
nature of the therapy process, you might incorrectly give up on the prospect
of finding a good therapist for you, or be stuck with a non-matching therapist
for too long.

I wouldn’t usually share something this personal on HN, but I did hoping it
might encourage you to not give up on finding _your_ therapist.

~~~
mephitix
Thank you! I have heard this (keep trying other therapists before finding one
that works for you) before from others but never from someone who went through
it. So I really appreciate you sharing this.

------
david-cako
The part where he described saying goodbye and playing out that being the last
time he'd see someone got me. I've found that health anxiety and irrational
fears are by far the worst rabbit holes to start falling into. I've had
periods of years where my mind is entirely consumed by these things. I feel
like fears rooted in reality are at least tangible enough to not be
horrifying.

The things that make me talented feel like mind diseases. Pattern recognition
is so easily polluted with ruminations and cyclical thinking.

The only way I've been able to cope is by becoming numb. The more uncertainty
I acknowledge as existing, the worse I feel. I don't feel particularly good
though. Nothing in the world feels like "enough" to occupy my mind anywhere
near as much as the negative things.

SSRIs can aid in that numbing. For me it has somewhat. I haven't found that
they have given me any sort of increase in motivation or excitement for life,
though.

------
78_fincdian
> as a white, heterosexual, cisgender man in America, I live life on the
> lowest difficulty setting

Seriously, what is this shit? Is there a grant I'm not aware of that's given
to straight white men? Free housing somewhere? I'm white and straight and
American and I'm pretty sure my children's education is paid for by my near
constant work (and my wife's) not by the magical fairy dust that was sprinkled
on me at birth.

In no way am I saying Wil does not suffer from depression, but the "my life is
perfect, how could I possibly be depressed?" spin rings false. Child stars
that go on to find middling success and depression (and substance abuse) later
in life is more the norm than the exception isn't it?

As far as I know he never almost died because of drugs, never had a public
meltdown and is still gainfully employed, so I'd say he navigated things
better than most. I can't speak from experience, but in no way would I say
that the life of a child star is easy. It's probably one of the hardest things
you could ask a young person to do.

But I have no sympathy for someone who gives in to prevailing rhetoric about
"privilege". That is just as moronic as saying "women can't program" or "black
people are good at sports".

~~~
sjellis
"Seriously, what is this shit? Is there a grant I'm not aware of that's given
to straight white men"

You can get a little badge that says "respectable citizen, handle with care".
You don't see it, but people in authority do.

~~~
kilburn
It's called a stereotype, and it depends more on other aspects than skin
color. Mostly on how you communicate (vocabulary, grammar, accent, gestures)
and how you look (beauty, illness cues, dress code).

White, heterosexual, cis-gender male that "looks like a junkie", acts
disrespectful and speaks slang? Good luck getting authorities to consider you
a "respectable citizen, handle with care".

I'm not denying skin color or gender are traits often included in stereotypes,
but it is not the only one, nor the most relevant.

~~~
sjellis
> White, heterosexual, cis-gender male that "looks like a junkie", acts
> disrespectful and speaks slang? Good luck getting authorities to consider
> you a "respectable citizen, handle with care".

Yes, that's why I said "can get": it's obviously not an absolute. In some
places and situations it's considerably harder for people who aren't a white,
heterosexual, cis-gender male to get pegged as someone who should be treated
with consideration.

------
ndh2
I lost most of my twenties to anxiety and depression. Started therapy at 29,
finished university with only a Bachelor's degree at 31.

The worst aspect was that through all this time my mind was always telling me
that, yes, I have some problems, but what if I don't have anything at all?
Maybe if I ever did see a doctor about it, I would be wasting their time. It
wasn't even about whether or not they would take me seriously. My biggest fear
was that a doctor would tell me that there's nothing wrong with me. It's
really the worst of all the "what if"'s that Wil was talking about, because
that was the one that kept me from getting help.

------
himom
Only depression and anxiety? That sucks, and I wouldn’t wish those on
anyone... but try also having ADD, mild Asperger’s, home drama, stuttering
(silent block, way more awkward than repeating)... oh and being not a
celebrity, unemployable, unpersonable, broke and homeless. It’s all my fault,
I know, I’m lazy for going to interviews and people not liking me for
reasons/feedback they’ll never mention.

Depression isn’t good or victim-hierarchy laudible, get rid of it with CBT,
group, exercise, diet, work, socializing, meds... whatever.

Anxiety is shit too but I down about 12 hydroxyzine a day.

------
fapjacks
Wow, interesting. I comment around the internet as anonymously as possible on
posts by people asking for help with their depression. Or people posting
without knowing that they _can_ ask for help. I've even posted a few times
here on HN. My list of steps for immediate mitigation of the symptoms are
almost exactly his steps:

1) Throw your clothes in the laundry.

2) Go for a short run.

3) Take a shower.

4) Put on clean clothes and eat a healthy meal.

5) (Which is implied in Wil's post but something I always say explicitly):
Make an appointment with your doctor, or any doctor that will point you to the
right doctor.

------
diimdeep
Well written, this is also had profound effect on me
[https://gekk.info/articles/adhd.html](https://gekk.info/articles/adhd.html)

------
Tomte
[http://wilwheaton.net/2012/09/depression-
lies/](http://wilwheaton.net/2012/09/depression-lies/) is shorter and better.

Also from the viewpoint of his wife: [https://www.annewheaton.com/the-other-
side-of-depression/](https://www.annewheaton.com/the-other-side-of-
depression/)

------
megamindbrian2
I think I have that, how did he treat it?

~~~
JamesBarney
He mentions he implies he started taking anti-depressants.

------
harlanji
The equation of power is shifting from “Money and willingness to do Evil” to
“Persuasiveness and reach,” according to Scott Adams. So while previously
cries for help like this meant nothing and were an invitation to private
torment, now they can work for this author with this audience. I’m extensively
documenting my plight into what looks like a homeless end game, going on for
5mo now, and I am pretty sure most depression symptoms/feelings are actually
disappointment/shock/dejection inflicted by those who help was sought from.
Where are those friends and mentors? Theirs probably taught them to be
heartless by example, people pass on their injuries. I’m not MRM but I can’t
say there aren’t valid points like male disposability. Thankfully I am able to
detach from my emotions and go about my days in joyful solitude but I’d rather
just move on and not be put into boxes based on the past; interesting how many
comedians are child abuse survivors. My view of humans as savage with a
capacity for empathy emerged, as opposed to the opposite I’d felt in my years
as a beloved winner/good friend/etc with an envied life. “Comedy is truth and
pain,” indeed. I am now ostracized for looking conservative in SF, ex-BF even
questioned if I am racist while wearing a shiny Fuck Trump shirt to my house.
Silver lining is I am now much more able to feel the ostracization my younger
brother felt in his short life, a tearful “nobody believes me” is burned into
my memory from one conversation with him as kids. Kudos to OP for finding a
platform, but this level of emoting still sends most people straight into
“needs help _not associating whisper whisper_ ” mode. Even guys you feel are
sensitive and who you have helped aren’t there, in fact they are the first to
start picking up social capital you’re losing. As an outside observer of my
own plight I can laugh along with the people who’ve received my communications
asking for help, and predict their power moves, knowing one day perhaps our
roles will be reversed and I can bend their minds with kindnesss. Hope things
keep going for OP but we’re nowhere near acceptance of men without a platform
having feelings and tears not made out of money. We create our own reality and
too many people are scared to step out of the box and try stuff like this, in
any case, and I hope it’s beneficial.

------
falcolas
Meta: Currently buried on page 5, with 140 upvotes. This right here says more
about our feelings about mental illness than anything else.

~~~
JCSato
I would be inclined to say it says more about our feelings on Will Wheaton. .
.

------
Bucephalus355
“Ending the stigma against mental illness”?

If anything, as many sociologists have noted, having a mental illness is
almost fashionable today. It is not a stigma by any means.

Ever since right after WWII, when housewives seeing a psychoanalyst become so
popular, the ability to claim a diagnosis and then talk about all the
treatment you do has been something of a social signal.

Having Chronic Depression is not a problem that is solved by increasing
“acceptance”. Perhaps it just genuinely reflects the state of our world, or
maybe simply the tragedy of what it means to be human, to suffer from original
sin.

I do not doubt Mr. Wheaton’s illness or pain. But his focus on “acceptance” as
the ultimate end is frustrating.

~~~
pryce
I don't enjoy seeing comments dismissing the stigma of mental illness. I have
seen friends in industry targeted and pushed out after disclosing mental
illnesses, and the simple fact that awareness campaigns exist and you happen
to see them doesn't mean that stigma doesn't exist.

Awareness campaigns are a response to stigma and a recognition of the damage
it does. Mistaking their presence for the stigma being removed is an error of
familiarity and attention (you notice the awareness campaign more than you
notice the stigma).

Lastly, consider that the point of the awareness campaign is to lessen
unnecessary suffering, not to cure Chronic Depression, so to dismiss it as
failing at a criterion that was never the intention behind it seems odd.

------
rcoroda
I'm going to say something that probably get me banned from this SJW cesspool
that HN have become: his depression is a sign of his gut telling him he is not
a real man. He is a soy boy, so obsessed with looking like he is not a
sexist/racist/homophobe that he cant appreciate anything else in life and
blame others for not accepting him. He just need to man up.

~~~
jochung
More nuanced take: men are finally acting like women have told them to act for
decades: talk about your feelings, open up, be in touch with your inner
self... not realizing that only works for women because women's feelings
matter and verbalizing them often enough will cause others to take action
sooner or later. The reason men had the "irritating" habit of offering
solutions is because it was inconceivable to most that you'd complain and
expect that to actually accomplish anything.

It's like an attractive person telling the ugly that they just need to
approach the world with a more positive attitude and good things will come in
return. No honey, that's only because they want to have sex with you. Other
people don't get shit for free.

As Warren Farrel said: men's facade of strength is their weakness, women's
facade of weakness is their strength. When a man displays weakness, he
forfeits his right to get help.

Two generations now have been utterly miseducated on gender by a feminized
education system that treated masculinity as a condition to be medicated away
and passive femininity as the role model, not realizing boys need adversity in
their youth to prepare them for the complete heartlessness they'll receive as
adults.

"But I love my husband!" Yes, until the marriage is over, after which he'll be
devastated and pining for years, while you'll discard him like an old pair of
shoes, still getting alimony, the house and the kids.

