
Last Words of Programmer Bill Zeller (2011) - thinkmore
https://gizmodo.com/5726667/the-agonizing-last-words-of-bill-zeller
======
erikpukinskis
There are a lot of logical loops here that don’t make sense. “I can’t”, “I
will always”, “for obvious reasons...” etc.

They sound familiar to me. I’ve been stuck in loops of anger/pain where I
can’t let go of an axiom, even though I know it’s probably not representative
of reality, because I am obsessed about the possibility of finding another
axiom under that one.... one that is both represented in reality AND addresses
the pain I am feeling.

The only way that can continue for months/years is by keeping it a secret. He
keeps saying over and over how he could never tell anyone because it would get
out. But that’s his false axiom. Talking would’ve been the only way to find
release. Talking would’ve unraveled his nonsense thoughts. But he needed to
cling to them to feel safe.

I’m not sad he killed himself, that was his decision. But I’m sad he went so
long without having a true friend or a doctor who could listen and help
process reality with. That sounds unbearable.

There is someone out there who can hold the conversation you need to have. You
will probably have to try with several people to find them, and it will be
devastatingly hard. It will be terrifying. But it is the only way to get to
the point where you have a confidant whose eyes you can use to correct your
own flawed vision.

There is someone out there who has been waiting their whole life to have that
conversation with you.

~~~
hyperpallium
Cognitive therapy takes this approach. Distorted thoughts cause distorted
feelings, in that an emotional reaction to an event/situation is dependent on
a perception/interpretation of it. i.e. a cognition. Faulty cognition ->
faulty emotion.

...therefore, taking such feelings as "true" (as an assessment of reality) is
mistaken.

I bring this up is because cognitive therapy can be practiced from books,
without having to share with another, if that is an obstacle.

Of course, having a true friend is an even better and easier way. And a funny
thing is that by its nature, it's easier to spot faulty cognition in someone
else (from the outside) than in yourself (from the inside). So, people can
help each other.

------
acjohnson55
I knew Bill. He was such a sweet guy. I was so heartbroken to hear what he had
been dealing with, posthumously. It sounds like he carried a crushing weight
around, but he did it in a way that was effortless from the perspective of
people like me. And yet, it eventually became too much to bear.

I can't help but think that professional help might have made some difference.
Who knows. But if you're in a similar boat, I hope you try to find a way not
to bear the weight alone.

------
Red_Tarsius
> _It took me a while to realize that no matter how close you are to someone
> or how much they claim to love you, people simply cannot keep secrets. I
> learned this a few years ago when I thought I was gay and told people. The
> more harmful the secret, the juicier the gossip and the more likely you are
> to be betrayed. People don 't care about their word or what they've
> promised, they just do whatever the fuck they want and justify it later. It
> feels incredibly lonely to realize you can never share something with
> someone and have it be between just the two of you._

This passage was very resonating. I guess part of adulthood is to adjust your
expectations of other people, that is, no expectations at all. If you hold
your closest mates to any standard of decency, you're bound to be
disappointed.

~~~
ggus
Going from high expectations to no expectations is only half of the solution.

You can then try to expect people to just be human, and be delighted when
their humanity shines in a good way.

------
peterburkimsher
If you're thinking, "I wish there's something I could have said", don't say
"What happened?" That focuses on the problem. Maybe they don't want to talk
about it.

Ask "Are you OK?"

You can always say this even if there's nothing wrong. If they say "Yes,
why?", they're your friend. If they say "Fine." then they don't trust you. If
they tell you "No, ..." they think you're a close friend.

Then ask "What can I do to help you? You're not alone." Focus on the solution.

If you want to know if someone trusts you, just ask "Are you OK?" and they
will tell you.

In my situation, I found out that while suicide would have been a "shut down",
moving to another country was a "reboot".

I no longer have anywhere to call "home", but it's better than being stuck in
that miserable place.

------
toyg
One thing I’ll never understand is people taking drastic action like this but
then not naming their abusers. It’s not the first time I see it happening, and
I just cannot comprehend it. It is irresponsible towards the community at
large, towards other children, and the justification (the risk of not being
taken seriously) is incredibly flimsy when you are willing to witness with
your own life. Then again, somebody taking his/her own life is not likely to
be following a completely rational train of thoughts.

I do understand the grievance against his parents. My uncle killed himself at
26, as a way of having the last word against his parents - a hard-working
couple who raised 5 boys; they were only guilty of not fully understanding
that the age difference between parents and child, with the last two kids, was
probably too high from a cultural perspective. I wish there was a way for kids
to simply opt out of their family when they decide it’s just not working out.
As society we allow that only in extreme cases, but maybe we could solve a lot
of problems by making it easier for everyone.

------
Simulacra
Published in (2011)

I remember when this was first posted back then. Very moving.

------
paloaltokid
What a sad story. If you’re out there and you’re struggling, please know that
help does exist. Professional counseling and therapy really can make a
difference, you do have to find someone you can connect with. I wish Bill’s
friends the best in dealing with losing him.

~~~
NiklasMort
That is not true. Maybe if you have money, and a lot of it. Even then therapy
is no ultimate solution, most likely they'll just recommend you to take drugs
that numb you down. The world is a horrible place, humans are horrible beings,
life mostly sucks for the big majority of people. If suicide was not forbidden
by religion or society I am pretty sure lot of people would op out and that
for good reasons.

~~~
paloaltokid
I’m sorry to hear that that is your view of life. From my own experience of
having money, I can say with some amount of certainty that it has no bearing
on your happiness.

But it is possible to be happy, that much I know. The secret is that it takes
work and an open-minded attitude. In my own experience, meditation is the only
thing I’ve found that really works. Maybe you can give it a try and see if it
works for you too.

~~~
NiklasMort
My main point was that professional therapy and counseling is very expensive,
even in social countries like Western Europe. Free resources are all exhausted
and often bad, private therapy is 100$/h. Now even if you earn decent that's a
lot of cash but people with issues usually barely have enough to pay rent and
food. And as to meditation or "talking helps": NOTHING changes reality. I can
do all positive thinking I want in the end I am still surrounded by endless
suffering and misery.

~~~
paloaltokid
_> And as to meditation or "talking helps": NOTHING changes reality. I can do
all positive thinking I want in the end I am still surrounded by endless
suffering and misery._

That's where I respectfully disagree with you. I've been practicing meditation
for over a decade and it very much changed my reality.

------
krylon
It is so soulcrushing and depressing to think that somebody who appears to be
a kind and sensitive person had to go through that much pain. I have seen a
couple of fairly miserable days in my time, and I still was not even close to
seriously consider ending my own life. Maybe I am just strange in that regard,
but maybe that means this person had to suffer a lot more than I could ever
imagine.

Life can be hard miserable enough - more than enough! - even under the best of
circumstances. That some people still would go out of their way to make it
worse for others without any real need is something I do not think I will ever
understand.

------
tinokid
I likewise knew Bill. I met his parents once too, and saw his kindness and
good nature reflected in them as well. This is a tragedy no one should have to
bear. We miss him.

~~~
cgmg
Umm... did you read Bill's letter in its entirety?

> I'd also like to address my family, if you can call them that. I despise
> everything they stand for and I truly hate them, in a non-emotional,
> dispassionate and what I believe is a healthy way. The world will be a
> better place when they're dead—one with less hatred and intolerance.

~~~
averagewall
The example he chose to show how bad they were makes them look fairly
reasonable. So perhaps his judgment was clouded. That example was that Muslims
who follow the koran are terrorists. The koran does actually advise people to
kill quite a lot of other people, so following it strictly would make you at
least a murderer, if not a terrorist.

~~~
cgmg
> If you're unfamiliar with the situation, my parents are fundamentalist
> Christians who kicked me out of their house and cut me off financially when
> I was 19 because I refused to attend seven hours of church a week.

They seem reasonable, alright.

------
bjourne
I read it in full and what a truly sad story. I almost started crying, but
there are many people around me, so no. The suicide not is well worth reading
in full.

------
zshrdlu
Ctrl-F "therapy" "counselling". Nope. Hmm.

