

On Saying No - The Power of Simply Answering, "No." - DarrenMills
http://www.esquire.com/features/influence/say-no-0508?click=main_sr

======
bryarcanium
The subtler point of this article is that a simple no is a good test of your
authority- service personnel, students, people he had power over; they had to
except his "no." Girlfriend? Not so much.

The power in question isn't the added power of using the word- it's the way
the word reveals the power dynamics at play. He didn't gain more authority by
using the word; the word revealed to him his authority and its limits.

~~~
masklinn
> they had to except his "no."

They didn't. They could have asked for explanations, justifications,
clarifications. He might have given them or not, might have continued the
conversation or not (as he notes he did with a student), but that doesn't mean
they _had_ to accept his "no" for an answer.

~~~
bryarcanium
Well, yes, they could have asked for any number of things, but the end
decision still rested with him. Which means, yes, actually, they did have to
accept his "no." If he refused to answer any further questions except with
"no," they would have to accept that too.

I don't mean accept in the sense of "be at peace with the decision." I mean
accept in the sense of "there ain't shit you can do about it, kiddo."

------
RiderOfGiraffes
It's a persuasive article, and I appreciate the point being made. An important
part was that he thought about his decisions, and when he decided the answer
was no, that's what he delivered. He didn't always say no, but when it was
appropriate, he made sure he did say it.

The last section tied it up well, however. You have to know when to stop. You
have to apply intelligence.

It requires thought, as well as discipline and persistence.

------
haberman
I think some of the article is compelling, but when he's talking about service
personnel he just sounds like a jerk. A waiter who asks whether he wants fresh
ground pepper is "attempting to dominate the transaction"? Taking care of you
is a waiter's _job_.

~~~
maximilian
When dealing with service personnel one can morph a simple "no." into a "No,
thank you." Polite but similarly final.

~~~
haberman
Exactly, and not as disdainful of someone who is just trying to be friendly
and do their job.

~~~
scott_s
I don't see anything disdainful or rude about just saying "No." even without a
"thank you." It all depends on how you say it.

~~~
haberman
It doesn't have to be, but the attitude of the author is that he is standing
up to someone who is trying to "dominate a transaction." With that mindset,
"no" is bound to come off as rude.

------
PieSquared
" _But when he really did ask if he and a couple of buddies could have a few
beers at my house, I just said no. No follow-up, no prevarication, no buddying
up for a sympathy injection._ "

While I see the purpose of a clear 'No', in some cases, it just seems like
it's rather jerkish even if said in a nice tone. How hard is it to say
instead, "No, and that is final; my reason is such and such, just so that you
know"? I know that I would be accepting of the latter answer, but questioning
of a pure "No", since it would seem as though he was just being instantly
judgemental.

~~~
rotw
True. The guy who brought his kids up with a proper understanding of rhetoric
definitely did a better educational job.

The kids of Dr. No, however, will grow up being people who can't express
themselves, and inevitably provoke conflict by being obstinate and seeing
themselves mostly in the right because of their authority.

They will not value reason.

~~~
DanielStraight
I might be inclined to think that someone who can't give a straight answer is
going to have trouble expressing himself.

------
corysama
Being a software engineer often means that you are in the job of fending off
well-meaning, but unreasonable requests from clients on a continual basis.
Learning how to say "No" repeatedly without coming across as lazy or a jerk is
an extremely important skill. I read "The Power of a Positive No" by William
Ury (of "Getting to Yes" fame) looking for wisdom in that area. Now, I
recommend it to every engineer (and manager) that I know. If everyone read
Ury's books, the world would be a much happier, smoother-running place.

------
known
A "No" could have prevented
<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Space_Shuttle_Columbia_disaster>

~~~
hughprime
Sure, and it could have also prevented any positive achievement you might like
to name.

------
edw519
The title get's it right. "No" is about power.

I prefer "yes", which is less about power and more about getting things done.

Interesting article. Will I ignore OP's advice and keep doing what I always
have?

Yes.

~~~
mitko
On the getting things done. In the company where I did internship last year
there was completely different attitude. People were urged to use "Yes, if..."
instead of "No, because...". Not surprisingly this is the most successful EDA
company.

~~~
gaius
On the contrary, no to superfluous bullshit is a powerful tool for getting
stuff done. Someone I know likes to just say _I'm bored now_ and walk out of
pointless meetings.

~~~
jerf
Well, "I'm bored now" hasn't come up, but I sure have said "I don't think I'm
contributing to this meeting anymore" and walked out. Fortunately, that gets
light bonus points for me with my boss, which makes it easier.

Also, remember that phrasing; even without my particular boss that is likely
to make a point with any sensibly-business-minded boss.

------
riffer
Also, try using "fine" as a way of consenting to something rather than "yes"

It conveys the same certainty and closure as "no"

~~~
DarrenMills
I've personally taken a dislike to using two phrases with people, "fine" and
"whatever". Both of them, generally, have a negative connotation to them.
Especially when talking to a girlfriend/significant other, it just feels
crude.

~~~
trafficlight
This is very true. My wife particularly hates "fine" and "sure".

------
californiaguy2
This is what I've always done.

Are there really people out there who feel the need to explain themselves to
carwash attendants and waiters???

~~~
DenisM
I think it depends on how helpful the person is being. Saying no to carwash
guy is easy, but "can I take that bag for you" suggests a sincere effort to
make my expereince more pleasurable as well as an effort to go out of the way
to do the best job, not just any passable job. This usually gets "no, thanks"
or "thanks, I'll mananage".

Now after reading this article I'm not sure if my reaction is adequate in the
latter case.

