
Ask HN: Have you ever felt trapped? - jforjuancho
Trapped by your current circumstances? Have you ever wondered if this is as far as you are going to get in life? Professionally?
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phmagic
Yes. A lot of comments here is about taking a leap to a new
role/company/lifestyle. It isn't always easy to do this and often when I
leaped to greener pastures, I found that the new role didn't dramatically
improve my happiness.

The things that work for me are to: find ways to be independently happy and
take small steps towards that goal.

Find ways to be independently happy. I know it sounds fluffy in a industry of
highly motivated and technical folks but detaching your happiness from a
single job/company will make you happier in the long term. Work towards
improving yourself (exercise, read, meet people who you don't normally
interact with - best way is to travel). Do things that humble you, that you're
an absolute beginner at.

Sam Altman has "compound self" on his list of how to be successful. I think
that's very true. I often overestimate what I can do in the short term and
underestimate what I can do in the long term. So take small steps to get to
where you want to go and keep at it. Not only will you reach your destination
before you know it, you will realize that the destination is just a by product
of your journey.

I don't know if this is what you were looking for in your question, but this
has worked for me so I thought I'd share.

~~~
runjake
Yes, great comment.

Also, it's recommmended just about every hour on here but So Good They Can't
Ignore You covers this topic quite a bit.

Here is Derek Sivers' book notes on it:
[https://sivers.org/book/SoGood](https://sivers.org/book/SoGood)

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mbrundle
I used to work at a Series A funded biotech startup. I’d consulted for them
for free for 2 years, then joined full time after they got the funding, then
it all fell to pieces. Investor pressure led to CEO putting huge pressure on
team, and (along with many others) I cracked and left.

Fallback option was to help my best friend from school to build a tech
startup. We lived on opposite sides of the Atlantic but we’d talked about this
during my last few months at the biotech and we figured it’d work. It was
being built with Ruby on Rails which I hadn’t touched - last time I did any
web development was 6 years ago with LAMP - but I was excited to get back into
tech and learn.

When I started working on this new startup, it went wrong very quickly. I was
working from home and quickly felt isolated and sad. I noticed that my anxiety
levels were shooting through the roof. I felt I wasn’t learning RoR anywhere
near quickly enough to get to grips with our core business problem (which was
to build a new search engine for technical staff). And since I was working
with my friend, who had literally busted his arse for a year to raise funding
for us, I felt utterly trapped. My head was telling me to get the hell out and
take a long long break to destress. But that would totally wreck his business
opportunity - his funding was contingent on having a tech team (me) ready to
go immediately.

Eventually I did quit. I found myself utterly helpless and reliant on my
wife’s income for the first time. I was now relegated to stay at home dad
status, which I’d done everything to avoid as my career had always been
important to me. That was rock bottom. In real terms it could have been much
worse, but mentally that’s about as low and trapped as I’ve ever been, and I
honestly didn’t think I’d ever find a way back into any meaningful career.

Long story short - I took a year out to spend with my kid. Wife got a one year
transfer to London, which was an amazing blessing in disguise because it was a
tonne of fun to explore the city with my kid. Finally inched back into tech,
did two boot camps, rediscovered my love of coding, got a job, and gradually
got back on track. It’s taken 5 years and is in many ways an ongoing process,
but I did manage to get out of that trapped situation.

~~~
dstick
Thanks for sharing that :) You harnassed the pressure and created diamonds.
All the best to you and your family!

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pinewurst
My last job - I ended up resigning after a good job interview. I didn't get
the job but the experience made me realize that work life doesn't have to
suck, that one's coworkers don't have to be backstabbing morons.

Edit: I still haven't found my next thing, but it's still better than that
feeling of being trapped.

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cimmanom
Yes, 3 or 4 times. Each time I escaped by making sure I had 12 months of
(frugal) expenses saved up, and then taking the boldest calculated risk that
presented itself. Each time, it’s catapulted my career to a level I’d
previously thought unreachable, and opened up a world of new opportunities.

~~~
eurvin
Could you elaborate on this?

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cimmanom
Not a ton without compromising anonymity. What specifically do you want to
know more about?

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keiferski
Not the guy asking the question, but: was 12 months a good period of time?
Would 6 or 9 months have been too short? 18 months too long?

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cimmanom
Twice (starting new enterprises) if it weren’t for a couple lucky breaks I’d
have needed at minimum 18 months. As it was, I burned down about 6 months
worth the first time before starting to break even. The second time it both
took off and crashed quickly and I didn’t burn much cash during the enterprise
itself but did spend 3 months after unemployed and looking for a 9-5 job.

A third time (joining an early stage startup as a late founder) 6 months would
have been a decent contingency if it went under fast, 12 if it withered away
slowly. (Also caught a lucky break on that one and had a soft landing.)

Once (walking away from a bad job and looking for one that was a stretch), 6
months would have been plenty because if the gamble didn’t work out I knew I
could reset my sights lower after a few months of looking and be employed
_somewhere_ within 6 weeks.

So the answer is very much “it depends on the circumstances”.

~~~
keiferski
Thanks for the long answer. Much appreciated.

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shove
Usually, the entrapment isn’t purely professional as some of the replies
illustrate. It’s more that the constraints of (some combination of) marriage,
kids, aging parents, health issues, debt, financial pressures, moral concerns
(what you are and aren’t willing to do), etc combine to create an unsolvable
system.

But life is not a math problem, and the things that seem inflexible often turn
out to be very much so. Good luck out there, and ignore most of this advice.
:) Everyone has to find their own way.

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phamilton
While acknowledging the "first world problems" nature of this, post
acquisition handcuffs were really difficult for me. I was bored, underleveled,
and overpaid. It took me a long time to leave because I feel that taking a pay
cut was doing a disservice to my children. I definitely felt trapped.

I ended up leaving a chunk of money on the table for something more
fulfilling. Things worked out. I'm poorer than I would be, but not poor by any
stretch of the definition (except for maybe house poor. Yay bay area real
estate). But I don't feel trapped. I've got engaging work and feel I've grown
a lot since I left. And I'm more fun at home with my kids.

~~~
chpmrc
Do you ever wonder if you should have, instead, pursued something on the side
or maybe enjoy other aspects of your life, rather than make your job your
primary source of fulfillment? I'm in a similar situation.

~~~
phamilton
I got heavily involved in open source at the time (elixir), which was cool. I
picked up a few hobbies, helped my wife start something on the side.

I wouldn't say my job is my primary source of fulfillment, but it is an
important part of my personal fulfillment. And part of this was the timing. I
felt I was too young in my career to settle with beomg bored. That may change
the next time this happens.

Reach out to me directly (contact in profile) if you want to talk more
specifics. I have great sympathy for anyone in this situation, largely because
it feels so foolish to be complaining and that just compounds the issue.

~~~
chpmrc
Thank you for your answer! I'll get your contact right away.

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projectramo
I think you’re thinking of it wrong. It’s the journey not the destination. As
long as you’re excited to learn things, try things, make things you’re okay.

It would be better to be a new writer excited to write a crap book than to be
a Stephen King without the energy or will to write a word.

(As far as I know, King still has more energy and enthusiasm than most
writers. The example was a counterfactual.)

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veryworried
Many years ago when I was no longer happy with my job I began to quietly
search for a new one. My current job paid well but I had hit a wall and felt I
was not going to make any progress on my career if I stayed there. I ended up
getting an excellent offer for a job across the country that even included
relocation expenses. I was thrilled and ready to put in my two weeks notice
and pack it all up except when I went to tell my wife about it she made it
very clear she did not want to relocate _anywhere_ , and any scenario that
involves relocation will end in divorce.

~~~
gscott
This also happened to me. My wife didn't support our moving so we didn't move.
I'm now 15 years later in the same stage of my career with little possiblity
of upward movement and eventually divorced anyway for other reasons. Best to
move on and up.

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Scanner771
I've been trying to leave my company for the past year but 6 months ago I had
a severe concussion at work. I was put on medical leave. It's been 6 months
now though since I'm on medical leave I can't apply to anything. I also have
been having trouble with my doctor. He doesn't do any test and just asks
questions and doesn't even make eye contact with me. I have been trying to see
a new doctor but I have to get approval from my works insurance but they keep
going around it. I have been thinking about seeing a lawyer but I feel guilty
about going because I have been with the company for a while and don't want to
feel like a dick. But I'm sick of the pain and not being helped.

~~~
dltnhic
A person close to me had to deal with a concussion for years. Of course each
situation is different. Also, I am not a doctor. We know this for a fact, that
had he taken less drastic measures after the injury, he would have had to deal
with less consequences. Moving, changing doctors, he remained unhappy for
long. From what I know, he had far more trouble than you with his first
doctor. I personally learnt something from his experience, that when there’s a
chance that things can go very very wrong, avoiding or taking actions that
would shake the status quo too much is a terrible idea.

The unfortunate fact is the possibility that some part of the cognition takes
years to return. He appreciates how he has changed now. It’s been years. I
think some of his changes are also due to aging and the hardship. In
hindsight, alienating the company might seem like a very terrible idea for
him. Fact is, if neither of you were injured, there’d be no such
conversations. The core of the problem is the concussion and that is tough to
deal with. His was very severe and led to a long pause in his career. As for
the doctor, and reiterating that I am not a doctor, my understanding is that
there’s little a new doctor can do beyond recommending practice sessions.
Unless the science has changed very recently or medical practice is different
where you are. Best of luck. Feel free to leave a way so I can contact in case
there’s more I can share.

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rob_star
Yes. Right now. I helped found and run a startup for nearly five years but had
to start looking for a job a few months ago because we were running out of
money very quickly. I accepted a Lead Engineer position in the U.S. (Pacific
Northwest) at a big company but things just haven't worked out for me. There
is nothing wrong with the job or the company, per se, it's just that the job
is a bit boring and I hate the bureaucracy and the dynamics of such a large
company. Even worse, I received a massive signing bonus which I used to pay
for my relocation and a bunch of debts from my startup years. If I leave now,
I will have to repay it, but a good chunk of that money is already gone.

I'm alone, depressed and the gloomy weather isn't helping either (SAD is very
real). I keep wondering if I will never be able to fit in a regular job again.
Yes, I feel trapped.

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lisper
Everyone is always "trapped" by their circumstances. Every day you are faced
with the choice of using the time you have to invest in something new or
capitalize on the investments you've already made. That's just the way it is.
Opportunity costs are a bitch.

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luckystartup
Yes, right now I'm feeling trapped by "option paralysis", and I'm actually
looking for some help to untangle a very complicated situation [1]. I'm very
fortunate to be a professional software developer with a growing company, and
a lot of different opportunities. But I actually have too many choices, and
too many different factors to consider. I'm not sure how to organize
everything and make a decision.

[1]
[https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=19659912](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=19659912)

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darreld
Yes, I feel trapped right now. I work for the federal government and have for
the past 13 years, for a specific reason. That reason has been fulfilled and I
deeply dislike my position but momentum is a strong pull. Also the situation
is complicated, I feel, by my age. I'm 62 but not ready to retire. I love
software and development and feel I have more years to work.

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williamstein
I've been working on a blog post that is basically my answer to this question:
[http://blog.sagemath.com/2019/04/12/should-i-resign-from-
my-...](http://blog.sagemath.com/2019/04/12/should-i-resign-from-my-full-
professor-job-to-work-fulltime-on-cocalc.html)

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amriksohata
Only a small handful of times, most times the best way was to change my
lifestyle and move on rather than accept the status quo

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throwaway7677
I got a job about a year ago at a big bank writing software. The job is
terrible, boring as hell, but it pays really well. I'm getting paid at least
15-20k more than I'd make anywhere else. I definitely feel trapped.

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onetimeacc_7897
My Girlfriend is a good person and loves me. I am not attracted to here. I am
not sure how to leave her.

We have a open relationship and sleep with other people and occasionally have
threesomes. I don't want to be with anybody really. I optimize my life for
minimal commitment. I don't want anybody depending on me in any way. I was
open about this from the start.

I think that she sometimes is helpless and generally not the smartest person,
and i suspect that this is the reason why there is no symmetrical attraction.
I don't know what and how to tell here, how to leave and do minimal damage --
the truth, seems to be no option.

~~~
Neil44
She probably already senses what you're feeling and suffers emotional damage
from it. Since the current situation is hurting everyone involved I would
recommend ending it. She will be totally fine. She might surprise you with
what she can do when she has to.

~~~
onetimeacc_7897
Thanks for the encouragement to do the right thing asap.

Your reply is quite powerful and understandable. Do you practice "Non-
Offensive Language"?

~~~
Neil44
You mean in a Marshall Rosenberg kind of way? Not deliberately but I always
try to keep judgement at bay and avoid guilt tripping people, by understanding
that we are all doing the best we can with the cards we are dealt. Also I had
a big break up last year.

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kyo3
Guess I’m just another in the mix here, I’ve been putting out job apps for
some time and thought I had a promotion coming that was given to someone else
for what appears to be political reasons as I’m more qualified. At least I
have more motivation to move somewhere else I suppose because being passed on
for someone I have helped grow daily is just the icing on the cake and shows
how blind the company is to their ever growing list of internal issues.

~~~
dominotw
Curious what were the political reasons.

~~~
kyo3
I think I was just venting this morning more than anything, I have to assume
my interview went worse than theirs or I’ll just end up incredibly bitter.

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yelloweyes
every single day

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laszlokorte
Yes, just now

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skrebbel
Nope!

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adamnemecek
Yes. Quit your job and read all the things you wanted to read. I know that
this might not be possible but I've convinced three friends to do the same and
they've never been happier.

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cheesymuffin
I find that having a 163 IQ generally helps -- people in this bracket
generally don't have such problems because they can easily reason out of their
current situation. I can empathize with people who can't, though, but it's
definitely a mental state.

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c22
My iq has been measured at 158 and I have definitely felt trapped before. Sure
I "reasoned out" of these situations eventually, but I suspect most do. Do you
suppose there are people who really find themselves _trapped_ forever?

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cheesymuffin
There is a BIG difference between 158 and 163.

~~~
tyingq
It is within what's quoted as the acceptable margin of error of 5 points. It's
5 points either direction, so it's possible GP's IQ exceeds yours.

