
Ask HN: 	Am I introverted, or just rude? - bryk
I’m always shy. I have trouble making small talk, and after I’ve been surrounded by people for too long, I need time alone. I am always making excuse to avoid meetings. Sometimes I feel I am coward.<p>Are there any introverts out there who have developed coping mechanisms for dealing with people when you&#x27;re already peopled out, and are willing to chime in?
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mrybakov
Social interaction can be compared to a game of throwing a ball to each other.
You throw the ball and see how they catch it and throw it back to you. In any
game, if you don't have enough practice, you'll have to put all your attention
to it, which is tiring. Basically, the more you enjoy throwing and catching a
ball, the better you become and the less tiring it will be.

As for practical tips - remember that it is also not easy for most people.
Make it easier for them by not throwing in an unexpected way, or too hard.
Don't put all your attention on the ball or your partner, it is just as well
about you.

After a few minutes of throwing a ball with a new partner, you will see how
they catch it, how they throw it, what play style they have and what they
like. After that you can use more complicated play styles, talk about complex
topics without fear of being misunderstood.

Also, improvisational theatre and status games can be useful to practice being
in different social positions.

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edburdo
I've always looked at Introversion/Extroversion using the battery example. As
an Introvert, we recharge our battery by being alone, and drain it in groups.
An extrovert is the opposite... charge in groups, drain when alone.

Outside of "charging your battery", it's a matter of skills and preferences.
You can learn to deal with groups better, and (when allowed) pick the events
you want to deal with.

If those meetings are important, don't avoid them. But if they are "social
gathers because someone wants you to go"... then you can think twice.

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badrabbit
I'm in the same boat as you so pardon me for not giving a sugar-coated
response(since I am simultaneously criticizing myself).

Rude? What was your motive for behaving a certain way? If that motive did not
include arrogance,selfishness,hatred or apathy then I don't think you were
being rude at all. This doesn't change the fact that you are being perceived
as rude. People simply cannot tell your motive without getting to know you on
a personal level beforehand. I agonize endlessly over maybe having done
something that will be misunderstood as rudness or unkindness.

Coward? This is a though one to admit. I hate and despise it but it is a truth
I had to face. Even if your personality is an introvert,you should be able to
forcibly tolerate discomforting situations. Avoiding them is acting out of
fear (of awkward situations,discomfort,etc..). It is a personality fault. I
have been trying to self-reflect and find the root cause of this behavior. I
was much more tolerant towards it when I was younger but I am now starting to
see all the things I missed out on (personally and professionally) as a result
of introvertism and social anxieties.

I hope you find an answer that helps.

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poushkar
I had somehow a similar experience.

At some point I identified it as a problem and learned to start and keep up
conversations with new people. Slowly I started liking that and it became more
or less natural.

I still have "recovery" periods when I am just too tired or have no interest
to talk to people, so I simply don't.

But those are quite short (few days a month), and the rest I use for visiting
meetups and networking with other people.

I can recommend a few books I appreciated the most:

1\. "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie - somewhat
outdated but still gives a lot of basics.

2\. "How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships"
by Leil Lowndes - more modern but not necessarily perfect, although I found a
few important things for myself.

3\. "How to Talk to Absolutely Anyone: Confident communication in every
situation" by Mark Rhodes - same as above. Not perfect, but has some
interesting ideas

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montrose
Me too, and I know lots of other people like this. In fact, I would say that
most smart people I know are like this.

There are a bunch of solutions to the smalltalk problem. One is to have a
stock of prefabricated responses to common situations. Another is to let the
other person do the talking. Most people love to talk about themselves and
their thoughts and feelings, if given a chance to.

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vectorEQ
i dont think not interacting people is rude. being rude is rude. and i think
expecting someone to small talk with u because you're not introverted is
perhaps also rude. Don't have to doubt yourself or your interests because
'other people seem different' or 'people expect differently of you'. be who
you are and realise who you are and where your interests lie. Perhaps you're
just not interested in small talk and interacting a lot with other people,
this is common for many people, though you often don't hear about it, because
these people keep to themselves. :-)

i don't like interacting with people much unless there is a shared interest.
and specific to my interests i don't find a lot of common ground between most
people. It doesn't keep me up at night (anymore.)

Don't worry, be the person you want to be, and if you have doubts, let them be
your own, which you can investigate and learn about with self reflection. you
dont need to live up to everyone elses expectations, just your own. :)

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psyc
I'm introverted. It's very seldom my intention to be rude. Some extroverts do
perceive me as rude, and have told me so. I don't believe that's the common
case, though.

