
Ask HN: How to deal with social anxiety? - throwaway577
Does anyone here struggle with social anxiety? I&#x27;m suffering because of it and it significantly limits my life. From the outside I&#x27;m quite successful (doing reasonably well in engineering) but I limit myself by avoiding people as much as I can (can only force myself at work) but apart from that I barely have any contact with people (due to my limiting myself). I don&#x27;t have panic attacks or anything like that and I don&#x27;t want to go to a therapist but I&#x27;d like to reduce my fear when it comes to social life. Any tips, books, courses you can recommend? 
Thanks
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dazc
If it helps, you'll find it easier as you get older. You'll come to realise
that nobody really worth knowing cares if you are nervous or struggling for
something to say, they will accept you for who you are. As you grow to accept
this you'll also become less anxious and everything becomes less of a
struggle.

I used to agonise over all the lost opportunities of my younger days but
seeing how some of my more confident peers turned out has made me realise that
my social anxiety was actually a gift rather than a curse.

~~~
throwaway577
That's an interesting perspective, thanks.

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drjannakoretz
As a therapist, I have to say we have a lot to offer you if you ever decide to
try it out! In the meantime, Anxiety and Depression Association of American
has some legit links to things, and you could look up Cognitive Behavioral
Therapy (CBT), which is often used to help folks with anxiety. Social anxiety
might also require some "exposure" where you exposure yourself to
uncomfortable situations gradually. This may require some expert help though,
as it is really easy to do too much and make things worse.

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itronitron
I recommend going to social events that align with your interests rather than
ones that are dedicated to being 'social' (for example, bars and clubs).

~~~
throwaway577
Thanks for the suggestion. Although to be honest I try that from time to time
and I don't feel comfortable there at all either.

~~~
itronitron
If you are in a big city then I recommend going to social events on Saturdays
and not on Friday evenings (people haven't recovered yet from work-week
stress.)

Also keep in mind that most people are mentally preoccupied with themselves so
aren't thinking about you. Despite appearances, social anxiety is normal which
is why alcohol is usually served. Most people at a social event will be there
because they want to talk to people such as you, so if you can appear calm and
are interested in what they have to say then you will seem like a natural. If
after twenty minutes you aren't having fun then just leave early.

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kull
This is what I deal with for years. I make progress but it takes years. What I
suggest that I know helped me:

1\. Go to gym, get fit it helps with self confidence

2\. Read this book [https://www.amazon.com/Awkward-Science-Socially-Thats-
Awesom...](https://www.amazon.com/Awkward-Science-Socially-Thats-Awesome-
ebook/dp/B01GCCT3DE)

3\. Go to therapy!

4\. Don’t rush, don’t push yourself to go to parties etc. small steps, start
with going to coffee shops so you are around humans, look in people’s eyes on
a sidewalk and smile to them, then gradually start with small talks with
barista.

Good luck !

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mapster
Do you have any memories/experiences of feeling confident and open, like AFTER
being with people a lot or after public speaking?

My social anxiety is 100% when I am in my personal zone (working at desk). Its
very hard to step away and deal property with people without being awkward.
but after being w people or breaking the ice a bit, i feel more normal.

further: i was thinking karaoke meetups would be great for ppl to create a
good/positive experience that would carry over for the rest of the week until
the next karaoke.

~~~
throwaway577
Yes I do! I feel much more open/relaxed after speaking up in a meeting, it's
like the pressure is off and can feel more normal. But it wears off quickly
and then it's back to the usual. I don't know how to create those emotions
regularly.

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DanBC
> I'm suffering because of it and it significantly limits my life.

> I don't want to go to a therapist

I don't understand this. But, if you really don't want to see a therapist you
can try self-guided cognitive behavioural therapy from a book like "Mind over
Mood" (this book is used in some English NHS settings).

Or you can try the website MoodGym:
[https://www.moodgym.com.au/](https://www.moodgym.com.au/)

~~~
throwaway577
Thanks for those suggestions

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DoreenMichele
When I was younger, I had serious blood sugar problems. Anxiety is one known
side effect of low blood sugar. Getting my blood sugar problems under control
substantially reduced my social anxiety.

~~~
throwaway577
Thanks, I'll have that in mind

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hobonumber1
Why do you feel anxious? What's the root cause of the anxiety?

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throwaway577
That I don't know exactly. Anything that requires interaction with people
makes me want to avoid it even if I actually want/need it. It's possible
something in my childhood affected me but I don't know what (no one in my
family is like me)

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locococo
I have the exact same issue as you would also be interested in addressing the
problem

~~~
0x01030307
I'm the exact same way

~~~
throwaway577
Hey @locococo, @0x01030307 Good to know there are people who are similar!

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vinylkey
> I don't want to go to a therapist

I would maybe rethink your position on this. Going to a therapist can be
scary, but it can also be incredibly beneficial.

