
Everything I Am Afraid Might Happen If I Ask New Acquaintances to Get Coffee - misnamed
http://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/everything-i-am-afraid-might-happen-if-i-ask-new-acquaintances-to-get-coffee
======
ry_ry
Hit 30, realised I had probably done as much in my chosen field as I was
likely to.

Got sad, considered changing careers and slowly started getting more frantic
about seizing my Big Chance. In the process I discovered I'm unspeakably
awkward and horrible at networking. Developed a dislike for great networkers
being Machiavellian shits.

Didn't get my Big Chance.

Turned 35, had long since stopped counting birthdays, and then one day
realised that imperceptibly something had changed.

I wasn't sad anymore. At least not noticably sadder than anybody else if I
took the time to look. I'd come to terms with my crippling imposter syndrome,
and was free of the quixotic trappings of my equally crippling Dunning Kruger.
Read Jon Robson's psychopath test and decided I probably wasn't a sociopath
either - I was just a bloke in his mid 30s.

Realised I should stop self diagnosing psychological conditions via the
internet.

I have a great family, a good job, I wake up every morning and genuinely look
forwards to spending my day doing what I do. I still harbour secret dreams of
world domination, but they exist withing a framework of reassuringly tedious
goals, like making sure I have enough clean pants and socks for the week.

Learned to work the washing machine. Still don't like inviting people to go
for a coffee.

~~~
swalsh
> " Developed a dislike for great networkers being Machiavellian shits."

I'm a bad networker, as a software engineer you rarely have the incentive to
improve. I've never had to look for a job... I just say yes when a good email
comes in. Recently though I realized that I can only go so far the way I've
been going. I've become noncontent with waiting for the right email to come
in. So I started working on changing myself.

I think the first part of networking is to start before you need the benefits
from it. The second is to be more concerned with what you can give rather than
what you can get (it's just like Christmas!) and finally... and this sounds
really basic. You actually have to go out and do things, and you actually have
to talk to people (very hard to do if you're an introvert like myself).

~~~
BJanecke
> " I've never had to look for a job... I just say yes when a good email comes
> in."

This, is what gets me. It's stuff like this that makes me feel like the longer
I stay in software the further detached from the general reality I will
become. I love software, but I hate how much it drives me away from the rest
of society.

~~~
ryandrake
>> " I've never had to look for a job... I just say yes when a good email
comes in."

>This, is what gets me. It's stuff like this that makes me feel like the
longer I stay in software [...]

I can assure you that this is not the general job hunting scenario for
software people. This may be the case for a particular engineer, or small
class of highly-sought-after engineers, in a couple of very short-lived time
periods of frothy hiring. The vast majority of us still have to get out there
and pound the pavement like everyone else, and it's not overnight.

------
howeyc
Ah, the twenties.

How's the saying go?

"In your twenties you worry what people think of you, in your thirties you
stop caring, in your forties you realize no one spends any time thinking about
you anyway."

~~~
iman453
Any of you folks in your 30's and 40's have any advice on how to fast track
this process a bit?

~~~
epoxyhockey
Get married and have some kids. You will stop caring about what others think
pretty quickly.

~~~
StillBored
Yah, my first kid, I was so sleep deprived, all I could think all day long was
"God I want to take a nap", then it got worse..

------
squeaky-clean
I know this is article is humor, but it's also pretty spot-on for me (maybe a
lot of us here). Most of my friends don't seem to understand the extents to
which I overthink everything.

"Just ask. The worst that can happen is they say 'No', and by not asking,
you're already giving yourself a no."

I get this advice a lot and particularly hate it. Getting a "No" is not the
worst that can happen. A meteor hitting the earth is the worst that can happen
(or maybe snakes, or crossfit). Worst that's actually happened to me? You go
up to say something to someone, stutter a few times, throw up in your mouth a
little, and then run away.

~~~
niccaluim
Having done a lot of coffees I'd say "yes" is overlooked as a possible worst
thing that could happen.

~~~
elygre
This. Exactly this.

------
yusee
Don't solve for people's feelings. If you have good intentions and are useful
to others, they will be attracted to you.

Sometimes you will offend or annoy people. These negative experiences are
growth opportunities. Apologize. Learn a social lesson. Next time you won't
make the same mistake.

~~~
kurige
Agree except for the apologizing part. Especially if you're the kind of person
that over-thinks things, like me.

There are two situations that I can think of where apologizing is appropriate
and appreciated:

1\. You _did_ something bad, rather than just saying something. Like puking on
a friend's couch. Go out of your way to make amends.

2\. Immediately after you said something and realized how insensitive or
offensive it was. Conversation moves fast, if it hasn't already moved on
briefly retract and apologize, then let others talk for a while.

I tend to fixate on things I've said in the past that I regret. I have a
rotating roster of my "most awkward moments" that my brain likes to randomly
replay for me without prompting. In the past I used to go out of my way to
find a way to apologize for these moments. Almost always the encounter was
awkward enough to give me something new to fixate on. Most of the time they
don't even remember the conversation in question.

Don't take yourself too seriously. There's a certain amount of hubris in
assuming that something you said in passing deeply affected anybody else.
Forgive yourself and let these small fixations go and others will too,
probably much faster than you do.

~~~
dvtv75
I replay awkward (or bad) moments occasionally, too. You can actually break
that habit, though. When you catch yourself remembering them, just make the
effort to blank your mind. "Don't think about cheese" and all that.

------
balabaster
This made me want to reflect on my own list and realized that it's morphed
somewhat over the years from:

\- What if I invite them to coffee and I think they're super awesome and they
think I'm an idiot

To:

\- What if I invite them to coffee and that 15 minutes turns into 4 hours and
I still want to hang out more because they're awesome (which they will be,
because frankly I find everyone fascinating); except now I have this
disquieting sense of guilt because none of the other projects I have scheduled
to complete in this time are getting completed... or started, or thought
about.

\- What if I don't invite them to coffee and they are or have some information
to share that (combined with my own experience) is the key to my entire
existence... or perhaps the future of humanity.

Maybe I let my mind get away with me sometimes...

Sometimes coffee is just a way to blow off 15 minutes with some amusing banter
because sometimes it's better to step away from the computer than it is to
keep bashing your head against it.

~~~
benten10
You seem wise...I'll ask for advice!

How do I, as a 27 year-old Grad student invite women for coffee without them
feeling it might be a 'trick-date', or having them not get comfortable?

Really, I want it to be a date _less_ than you do, but how do I convince you
that?

~~~
komali2
I don't think he was necessarily implying it'd be date-like - I've had those
"4 hour conversations resulting with the key to my existence" type
conversations with the sex I'm not romantically interested in, from small
coffee "dates."

To quote Always Sunny, it's all about the implication. I start with a question
unrelated to the coffee "Jane, how are things going at Salesforce? I've been
considering a move lately, mind if I get you a coffee and pick your brain a
bit?" You can initialize the convo at that point and then either fluidly move
the conversation elsewhere if desired, or, you know, not. Anyway, that's how I
do it: transparent objective.

~~~
balabaster
LOL I didn't mean to imply that they only come from romantically driven
situations. Of course we've all had them at some point or another whether it
be with someone we are attracted to or not. But the point is, right at the
beginning there's nothing been invested yet. The risk isn't anywhere near as
great as we hype it up to be in our own mind. We didn't know this person an
hour, a day or a week ago, they had no bearing on our life prior to that, yet
we drum it up to be this huge event in our mind that realistically, even if we
get shot out of the sky in a flaming wreck, is it _really_ that big a deal...
after all, they had zero consequence in our life such a tiny piece of our life
ago, what's the difference if they go back to being such a tiny piece of our
life 10 minutes from now?...

The converse is also true though, there's a much greater risk for _not_ taking
the leap given a). the amount invested (lack of it) so far and b). the real
risk of them saying no (I mean if they say no, then what?). What if this
person is the key that unlocks the meaning of life for me and I don't take
this leap? Admittedly they're probably not but weighing these risks against
each other, it would appear more foolish _not_ to ask than to ask. If you
don't ask, or you ask and they say no, you're exactly at the same position you
are now (except your ego is a little bruised, but that'll recover). If you
don't ask, you'll spare your ego potential embarrassment but you'll always be
stuck where you are.

------
inputcoffee
The crossfit line reminds me of this joke:

Crossfit is just like fightclub if the first two rules were the opposite.

------
MentatOnMelange
Long time lurker on this site and think I finally have something worth
conributing. As someone who has struggled with social anxiety, a big ommission
from that list is "their reaction will provide emprical proof that _insert
negative self perception_ isn't just in my head*.

At which point the hypothetical doomsday scenario extends beyond just the
immediate scenario. For whatever reason age does help though. Part of me
wonders if modern marketing plays a minor role. The younger you are, the more
advertising pushes the need to 'fit in' or impress peers as the primary appeal
of a product.

~~~
dang
Welcome to commenting! I'm sure you have much worth contributing.

------
Jonoco
I asked a girl to coffee once and she ran off. She literally sprinted away. I
had to append my list of worst outcomes.

~~~
dvtv75
I asked a girl out, once, and she said yes, then I never heard from her or saw
her again. I can't read people worth a damn, so that basically taught me to
stop trying.

~~~
mattm
That's the wrong lesson to take from it.

------
sebringj
This is really for my fellow single male programmers.

I think programmers tend to identify with being socially awkward as we spend
our time focusing on analytical problems usually by ourselves or with similar
individuals which emphasizes our brain's wiring to be that way even more so
over time, then the less traveled wiring weakens over time (social wiring,
your developer buddies don't count).

The crux is we are all social creatures and need to feel accepted by the
opposite sex. If we fall short, we will spin ad infinitum worrying about it.
Its a deep rooted need within us and cannot be rationalized away, similar to
rationalizing you are full when you haven't eaten for a long time. You must
take action. Blame Darwin if you must but do something about it.

Because a lot of programmers like me are social pansies when it comes to
taking risks, you can try this approach first. Do real weights and wind
sprints and eat right to promote testosterone as looking like a dude attracts
women. Running long distances way too often will make you a look like a unic
twig, lower your testosterone levels, and rob you of muscle. I can't stress
enough how the right eating habits and exercise will change everything, most
likely within 90 days you'll see a huge difference like night and day, looking
lean and mean. Your personality will also have changed, being more confident
and bold with the added bonus of girls looking your way. You will become more
attractive to females in other words, prepping you for the next step.

Now you are ready to take the issue head on and expose yourself to as many
social situations as possible, forcing your social wiring to strengthen, but
with the caveat of not giving a shit of individual outcomes, thinking of it
more like the sheer act of doing this long enough will cause things to move in
the right direction. To truly not give a shit is freeing and what's odd about
that is people (especially women) seem to like you much more when you are
worry free and have a natural comfort about yourself. Women truly are like
buses where the next one will come along simply because there are so many
fucking people in the world. Break some eggs and get out there.

~~~
thinkdevcode
> The crux is we are all social creatures and need to feel accepted by the
> opposite sex.

Yeah, no.

> If we fall short, we will spin ad infinitum worrying about it.

Nope.

> Its a deep rooted need within us and cannot be rationalized away, similar to
> rationalizing you are full when you haven't eaten for a long time.

Lol. No.

> Lose weight, eat right, get fit, etc etc etc

I lost 120 lb's and got down to 10% body fat when I was in my early 20's (300
to 180) having been extremely fat my whole life up to that point. I was still
a nervous wreck with severe self confidence issues. I did it for women like OP
says to above. Please don't make the same mistake I did. Do it for yourself.
Do it for your own health. If you do it for such shallow reasons like the OP
is saying, you won't keep it off. It takes work and it takes time. Also, you
don't need to be fit with a 6 pack to talk to/pick up/ask out women. All you
need is self confidence, and thats not something you can get by lifting
weights. Anybody who tells you different is naive and a fool (and probably
more insecure than you). The best piece of advice I ever got when it comes to
confidence: Know yourself, appreciate yourself, love yourself - if you can't
do any of those things how do you expect someone else to.

~~~
sebringj
Ok. I accept your individual experience. I would then tell you that what I've
written may not be for every single heterosexual male in every conceivable
case as the permutations of gene combinations are quite daunting and its
possible to have so many varied outcomes that are atypical.

The working out thing isn't about hubris or for women. Its for you. What
happens when you change your body's chemistry makeup to promote testosterone,
rather than lots of fat having the effect of creating estrogen and lowering T
and your outlook in life... the methods to increase T change your personality
so you are more of a risk taker and are better able to have that boldness to
talk to women and take action in general in life, while also being more
attractive, if that was your problem in the first place. You may be horribly
shy etc but at least you are more embolden to take action than being out of
shape, creating estrogen and logically, you will have less reason to have
lower self confidence. Its a good place to start to become more social as your
physicality is primed for it.

It is not shallow to promote an optimized version of yourself and I would talk
about more areas of finance and giving as well but that is outside of the
subject. Taking care of yourself is something that you will regret if you
don't.

I'm very past even worrying about women now, I only worry about one and have 3
young sons. However, my strategy worked so well with such dramatic results
that I felt the need to share that experience. Maybe the writing style should
be more IMO-style, "careful to not offend everyone", but again, I'm still
doing the lifestyle health thing and will do it till I die. I have plenty of
boldness to go around, now focusing that energy on attacking the business
world.

~~~
antisthenes
I have tried your strategy with 0 change in results. Success in this matter is
determined by many more factors than just being in above average shape and
your trying to present it otherwise is disingenuous at best and harmful at
worst.

~~~
sebringj
Disingenuous is insulting. It isn't something you try. Its something you live.
Also the what you eat is actually most important, much more so over working
out but working out just makes you look nice too. There are precursors that
definitely put us in the right position for social acceptance. Go ahead and
list the ones that have worked for you. If none have worked, I am sorry about
that. Also, I'm not selling anything, just noting what worked for me. My
advice is free and without agenda. Its completely free if you fuck off as well
with your insulting bullshit.

------
godshatter
My insecurities all run in the opposite direction. What if someone invites me
to coffee? Do I tell them I really don't like coffee? Do I tell them that I
really don't want to spend $4+ for a sugar-laden caramel frappe machia-
whatever and that I'd rather just get a diet coke from the vending machine?
Should I be "that guy" and get a hot chocolate that turns out to be a squirt
of chocolate sauce in milk, and feel let down? Should i get a donut and
nothing to drink?

Once we're sitting down and talking, I'm fine. I just don't know how to deal
with my little "non-conforming weirdnesses" with others.

~~~
balabaster
Or don't even justify it, just get there and pick whatever you feel like or
don't. When they're like "er, why didn't you get coffee?" say "Meh, I wasn't
into it, I just came because I was enjoying the conversation and quite like
hanging out with you"

Being real always trumps being fake - even if that real looks like what you
call "weird". Weird is the new normal... mostly because there _is no normal_.
_Everyone_ 's weird; if they're not, you just don't know them well enough yet.
I'd rather hang with 2 weird real people than 10 "normal" fake people - I
don't even care if they don't like $4 coffees... because I don't even drink
coffee.

~~~
godshatter
Yeah, you're right. I just hate explaining myself to people all the time, I
guess. It shouldn't bother me, but it does.

~~~
balabaster
The feeling you need to explain yourself comes from where? I don't need an
answer to that. But look within yourself, figure out why you feel you need to
explain yourself. Did you feel unheard as a kid and now you need to justify
your thoughts and needs? You're an adult now. You make the rules and
boundaries surrounding your own life (within the confines of the law) with no
other justification than _I am_.

You don't drink coffee... millions of people don't. I don't eat peanuts, I'm
not allergic to them, I just don't like peanuts. When there's peanuts, I don't
eat them. No justification required.

Not that I'm trying to project what I think you should do, but I will tell
you, when you stop feeling like you need to justify everything (I went through
this too), suddenly life feels a little easier... and life's pain in the ass
enough without getting in your own way.

------
kresimirus
17\. They will sue me for (sexual) harassment at work

~~~
kazinator
That, plus a host of possible related problems, is actually a real concern;
there are enough women in the world that you can invite for coffee that you
don't have to pick them from among coworkers. Indeed, don't do that.

~~~
coldtea
Because love should be compartmentalized, and falling in love (or even love at
first sight) with a coworker should be shunned, right?

This kind of thinking would have killed millions of succesful marriages and/or
long term relationships. Not to mention tons of steamy short term
relationships.

Besides, after a certain age, that there are "enough women in the world"
doesn't say much. After university, the place people most tend to socialize
and meet other people is work -- in fact there was an article about this very
fact this week on HN.

~~~
kazinator
Every decision you've ever made has "killed" countless unknown alternative
futures involving people that, as a result, you don't even know exist.

~~~
coldtea
Which is beside the point, since it doesn't mean all "alternative future
killing decisions" are equal.

Besides, people are actually (in this universe and at the present) in love,
getting married etc with other people in their workplace, and you are telling
those people not to do it, thus constraining with arbitrary dictums their
present experience, not some future universe one.

And if my argument about "most people after thirties socialize more at their
work than any other place" is true, this advice also severely limits their
options.

And for what?

~~~
kazinator
And for what? To prevent those situations in which things go wrong, unlike in
the successful anecdotes.

For example, people are actually (in this universe and in the present) in love
with someone who is ... hooked up with someone else who also works in the same
office. They have that rubbed in their face every weekday, starting at 9 a.m.,
until either they, or those other two, change jobs. While you can't prevent
disappointment in this area of life, you can prevent having it be a _work
situation_. In fact, work can be a place where you can get such things out of
your mind by concentrating on something else.

~~~
coldtea
> _And for what? To prevent those situations in which things go wrong, unlike
> in the successful anecdotes._

Might as well not do anything in that department then, because all affairs can
go wrong (and almost half of marriages do).

> _They have that rubbed in their face every weekday, starting at 9 a.m.,
> until either they, or those other two, change jobs. While you can 't prevent
> disappointment in this area of life, you can prevent having it be a work
> situation. In fact, work can be a place where you can get such things out of
> your mind by concentrating on something else._

And you can prevent it by magically making yourself not to be in love anymore
with a coworker? Or by making yourself to avoid even thinking about liking
someone you work with in the first place?

~~~
kazinator
> _Or by making yourself to avoid even thinking about liking someone you work
> with in the first place?_

Good grief, what are you going to do if you're married, yet still in daily
contact with attractive coworkers? "Hi Honey, I'm home; oh I couldn't conjure
up the 'magic' required to stop myself from falling in love with Sue at work
today. Sorry!"

One trick is to find at three things (or more; as many as you can) that turn
you off about anyone who might even remotely be a target of your affections.
You will be surprised how easy it is.

------
Artoemius
For people with social anxiety, this is true to the point of being not funny.
This is almost exactly the kind of stuff I always worry about, although I'm
usually a bit more negative about it.

(If I slip up and they accidentally see through me, see what a socially inept
and boring person I am, they'll hate me forever and also they'll tell everyone
in the world about their boring experiences with me, and no one will ever like
me anymore.)

~~~
Jaruzel
I share your pain with this. The insecurity that comes with social anxiety can
be crippling.

------
protomyth
Just ask about the damn coffee and quit stressing thinking your decision will
set in motion events that will change society.

Save the stress for the relatives and in-laws, those will kill you.

~~~
benten10
For the second part, I'd add: people from your country.

If there's a gathering of less than 20 people from my country, I love
everyone. 20-50 and I start hyperventilating. More than 50, and I make and
execute elaborate plans to get out at any costs.

~~~
kazinator
Travellers often don't like gatherings of people from their own country. I
overheard this on a train, in Japanese from a conversation between two girls
... "minna nihonjin da kara, ikitakunai". (Everyone will be Japanese there, so
I don't want to go.)

~~~
creshal
I go on vacation to get away from all these boneheaded idiots, not to meet
even more of them!

------
manarth
"The coffee will be bitter/weak/mediocre/disappointing."

Closely followed by:

"I'll be branded a coffee snob for criticising the coffee."

Who am I trying to kid, I clearly am a coffee snob.

~~~
sliverstorm
Forget the coffee, it's just an excuse.

The best outcome might even be for your coffee to wind up cold and untouched-
maybe you just had a riveting conversation.

------
blackflame7000
The main source of this anxiety comes from the flaw in the phrasing, "There
are plenty of fish in the sea."

That simply is not true. People are so unique and diverse that while there are
other members of the opposite sex out there, to find someone truly compatible
is rare, hence why divorce rates are so high. For me, the anxiety comes when I
have found someone who I know is extremely compatible but am afraid I won't
attract them.

Not every member of the opposite sex makes me feel the same way certain ones
do. Saying there are plenty of fish in the sea is like saying there are plenty
of baseballs to hit in batting practice. While true, it elides the fact that
it's only real at bats that matter. Once you strike out, you're stuck waiting
for your next at bat which may never come.

------
893helios
Having any of these things happen to you would be great, even the bad stuff.
Action is better than nothing.

------
StillBored
Nah, the worse part is sitting at home, alone, kicking yourself for not asking
her out.

------
nxzero
Once got a coffee a day with someone new for six months; it was fun, but then
again, really didn't have any expectations.

~~~
magic_beans
Whoa... how did you find so many people to get coffee with?

------
amyjess
> They’ll think I invited them to coffee because I have a crush on them.

This is so true. I'm an aromantic lesbian, so even though I'm attracted to
women, I have no desire to date anyone. But I'm worried people won't know that
I'm aromantic and will think I'm hitting on them when I just want to hang out
and maybe become friends.

A few years ago, I pretty much botched any chance I had to be friends with one
of my female coworkers, who was a really cool person I'd have liked to hang
out with more. Unfortunately, I was afraid to talk to her, ask her to hang out
after work, etc., because I was _terrified_ she'd think I have a crush on her
and was hitting on her. It doesn't help that I'm transgender and I knew her
before my transition, so I was always afraid she'd think of me as just being
another guy trying to get into her pants. Oh, and it didn't help that I was
jealous of her, because she looks pretty much exactly how I want to look but
will never be able to (dysphoria is a powerful thing).

As such, I was terribly awkward around her, and every time I wanted to hang
out with her or anything, I either decided against it or was so nervous and
awkward that anyone around me could tell.

I'm a little better at it now, thankfully.

And, yes, I'm the kind of awkward person who over-analyzes every conversation
I've ever had with anyone.

~~~
sliverstorm
_Unfortunately, I was afraid to talk to her, ask her to hang out after work,
etc., because I was terrified she 'd think I have a crush on her and was
hitting on her._

The funny thing is sometimes, for me, this has turned into a self-fulfilling
prophecy, and suddenly I'm into them.

It's modulated by how furiously I worry about it.

------
intrasight
Get married, have kids, have them move off. Now you're just not going to have
any of these hangups or concerns. I'm fine asking anyone to coffee.

------
notadoc
Amusing article.

Isn't this anxiety? Couldn't this apply to any situation that is anxiety
inducing?

I suspect it's all originating from the same irrational feelings.

------
AnimalMuppet
You forgot about meeting a lion in the street (Proverbs 26:13).

------
EGreg
How about the other consequence: getting addicted to coffee? I am already
hooked on some degree of sugar and cellphone use.

------
jt2190
Everyone knows that "Daily Shouts" is The New Yorker's humor column, right?

~~~
Aqueous
Actually, "Shouts and Murmurs" is the The New Yorker magazine's humor column.
The "Daily Shouts" is the daily Internet-only version of 'Shouts and Murmurs.'

And thus ends another smug, elitist, pedantic, humorless and certainly
unnecessary HN correction. You're welcome.

------
IncRnd
Clearly the author is too nervous, likely from drinking too much coffee.

------
jimmywanger
I don't understand why this article is so long.

It can be boiled down to "I am afraid of rejection, and I don't want to put
myself out there."

Rejections suck. We've all been there, and nobody else out there is
responsible for your mental well being.

Why are you afraid of a simple "no" or a response out of an obligation? Maybe
the person you're asking out to coffee is a Mormon or has high blood pressure
and can't drink caffeine, or he/she doesn't like the taste.

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. I know that I personally regret
everytime I wanted to ask somebody out or even ask for a raise at work, but
didn't, cause "that would be weird".

~~~
amyjess
Because social anxiety isn't rational. It is, unfortunately, something that a
good many people (myself included) suffer from.

~~~
jimmywanger
Use of pronouns is very important. She uses the pronoun "they" a lot, as
though everything that happens to her is inflicted on her.

Instead if she said "I suffer from social anxiety, and I'm working on it" it'd
be a much better article.

It's all about the interior vs exterior locus of control.

~~~
aninhumer
>as though everything that happens to her is inflicted on her.

Yes, because the things you fear as a result of social anxiety _are_ inflicted
on you. They are not things you can control, that's what makes them scary.

~~~
jimmywanger
Thank you for making my point for me.

Things do happen to you, things you can't control. You can however control
your reaction.

You are choosing to be scared, or not enter therapy, or talk to somebody about
that.

Maybe you don't have enough money to talk to a therapist, or you have other
things on your plate, or your social anxiety isn't a huge problem, something
you can deal with.

The onus is still on YOU to deal with your anxiety, not on the world to treat
you with kid gloves. Internal rather than external locus of control.

------
ryandrake
Wow, the article reads like a Seinfeld episode, full of neurotic self-
absorption. Almost every sentence includes either "me" or "I". If you over-
dramatize going to get coffee with someone, making it all about you and your
feelings, I'd hate to see how you handle signing a mortgage or picking a
career to commit to.

~~~
LesZedCB
to be fair, in this scenario, Me or I has a 50% stake in how things go down.

------
avindroth
Our biological OS is built to worry about every one of these things.

Our bodies are still Windows 98.

------
myflash13
17\. Being stuck with the nagging question afterwards: Was that a date?

------
paul_milovanov
Snakes?!! Velociraptors!!!!

------
huangc10
Another cliche quote to add to all this: "Your own worst enemy is...yourself".

------
navyad
Awesome read.

------
jflowers45
could use a (2015) in the title

~~~
mcguire
Absolutely! The reference to "snakes" was _so_ dated.

------
4ndrewl
Must be a US English <-> British English thing, but I thought this was about
asking a new acquaintance to buy some coffee for me.

"Everything I am afraid might happen if I asked a new acquaintance to meet for
coffee."

~~~
et-al
It's definitely a colloquial US thing. We say "let's get coffee/beers/lunch
sometime" almost everyday, especially when parting as a "see you later".
Whether we actually follow up with those invitations here in San Francisco is
a completely other story.

~~~
aninhumer
Yeah, but that's "let _us_ get coffee" which is normal. The unusual language
being highlighted here is "ask to get coffee" without specifying "together" or
"with them". Without that, I parse "get coffee" as an instruction, thus
meaning asking them to go and buy some coffee for you.

~~~
et-al
I agree with you that it's awkward; however, "get coffee" is now a colloquial
term, which is why most people probably didn't read it the grammatically
correct way.

But yes, depending on how one reads, the title takes on a totally different
meaning. I usually have this trouble.

------
coldshower
Creating fictional outcomes is pretty common (it is for me), but this game has
definitely helped overcome that: [https://is.gd/GAbuN6](https://is.gd/GAbuN6)

~~~
magic_beans
Whoa, this is amazing. Thanks for sharing!

~~~
jtrtoo
Indeed! Saved to check out more closely later.

------
cloudjacker
Accept the consequences

