
What Developing Acute Schizophrenia Feels Like - shill
http://www.vice.com/read/this-is-what-developing-acute-schizophrenia-is-like-009?utm_source=vicefbus
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MarkPNeyer
i had this same experience in mountain view just two years ago; i think it was
caused in part by my startup collapsing and my mind trying to make sense of
what happened.

i had the same problem with being unable to sleep; the same sense of
conversations and thoughts being unfocused. it was like tripping 24/7\. i felt
imbued with purpose and meaning; this life was a dream.

i was working at game closure (now weeby) at the time, and i thought the whole
company was a front - what we were REALLY doing was putting together a team
that was going to mars together. that explained why everything changed and the
plans were always in flux - it wasn't really about building games; it was to
see if we could work together and still get along while constantly being
frustrated by plans that would be started and then dropped.

things were made worse by the fact that this was late 2012 and i really
believed the whole "mayan apocalypse thing" was actually going to happen.
something internal took over in early december - around the time things were
"supposed" to go down, and it felt like i was living in a combination of snow
crash, anathem, and "city at the end of time" \- another sci-fi novel.

my mind was interpretting everything that happened around me as having meaning
at 300 different layers. i could see contrails around people as they moved, as
if i were able to see the multiverse unfolding around me. it was exciting and
terrifying at the same time.

i tried telling people that i sensed something was wrong, but nobody was sure
what to do. i kept telling people around me that there was an 'cacophany of
mental imagery' \- but i guess my ability to hold it together convinced people
i was fine, until i wasn't.

~~~
hexagonsun
If you don't mind, can you talk about how you got help?

~~~
MarkPNeyer
i tried flying to ohio to visit my family for christmas.

i made it onto the airplane without my drivers license (which i had lost) or
my passport (which i had believed was stolen, turns out i had just lost it) -
using my social security card and birth certificate as id. I thought this was
like... some kind of trial... to prove that you could still use ancient forms
of identification in the modern world.

i had a layover in dallas. i was in the airport, trying to stay calm while
imaging the entire world was watching me, angry at what i was doing. i
sketched out proofs of the pythagorean theorem to try and keep myself
grounded. i felt like anyone who could see what i was doing would understand
that i was rational - although imagine seeing some guy, rocking back and forth
scribbling on paper in the middle of DFW airport.... i can't imagine how i
didn't get arrested.

somehow i became convinced that i was an evil person and that the flight i was
getting on was going to be shot down for my sins... i didn't want to endanger
anyone on the flight, so i got the idea that i'd walk to ohio. i walked out of
hte airport, managed to hitch a ride, engaged in some dialog with the driver
and had a repeat of a conversation i felt like i had 40 times in the past two
weeks - ending with the stranger saying "you are loved" and me feeling really
scared.

the guy dropped me off at a hotel. my dad paid for my room that night over the
phone, and i was planning on going to the airport to 'try again' the next
morning, but i was just too damn scared of falling asleep. i went to the front
desk and said i needed an ambulance, they took me to a hospital.

i spent a few days in recovery there, heavily sedated and on a bunch of
medicines. they basically slow your mind down like crazy. after 5 or so days
there, my dad made the drive from ohio to pick me up, and i spent christmas
with my family.

i made it back to california - people were nervous - and i was enrolled some
programs through kaiser. i ended up getting hospitalized twice during january
2013; everyone was ready to give up on me, but i kept going because i didnt'
really have a choice, and my then-roommate now wife believed in me... i guess
i'm still not sure why. i love her.

i managed to keep it sane and together to interview with google, facebook, and
another company - electric cloud. i ended up taking the job at google because
i wanted to be a tiny cog in a huge machine. i wanted to not matter for a
while, so i could truly believe the world would keep doing its thing without
me.

being in the startup i felt like the whole world was in my shoulders. this was
clearly an exaggerated sense of self importance - which is both helpful in the
short term because you can work harder, and wildly destructive in the long
term. at google, it felt like nothign i did mattered, my job was boring and i
knew i could be more productive, but it felt like the 'punishment' i needed
after having been overstimulated for so long.

i managed to quit smoking weed - i'm almost to 1 year now - over the course of
2013, and now i'm doing far better. i ended up leaving google for electric
cloud, and after a year of that, i left electric cloud for facebook. facebook
has been awesome - by far the most supportive place i could be - but i think
if i'd gone there in early 2013, i would have had a "false recovery" and been
right back to overestimating my own importance and place in the universe.

~~~
hexagonsun
Wow. That is quite the story.

I'm glad you're doing better, both mentally and career-wise!

~~~
MarkPNeyer
thank you!

i feel like the 'end' of all this was the development of my prefrontal cortex.
a little late - age 28 or so - but right around on schedule, maybe delayed a
bit by the marijuana.

i finally got to a point where i was capable of focusing on and thinking more
about how things _are_ than on how i wanted them to be. it's amazing what that
does for a person.

------
ceallen
It's interesting that both the author's story and one other in this thread so
far both mention their significant marijuana usage.

While the "marijuana causes schizophrenia" hype is statistically exaggerated
(and the opposite causality may actually be the case), it's still a good
reminder to perhaps avoid or severely restrict usage if you have a family
history of the condition.

~~~
lafar6502
I think I had a taste of psychosis after smoking too much weed one time: I
totally lost the sense of time, my brain was overflowing with all kinds of
thoughts and fears, had some auditory hallucinations and totally
misinterpreted people's behavior (everyone suddenly seemed hostile). Then a
panic attack followed and I felt stuck in some crazy time loop that would
never end. That's why i don't experiment with marijuana or other psychoactive
substances, the effects are too similar to a mental illness in my case.

~~~
jMyles
Good for you (and dfischer) for recognizing this reaction and removing this
item from your diet as a result.

I love weed (smoking some right now) and feel that I strongly benefit from
having it in my diet, but I have a lot of respect for people who remove it to
their own improvement.

------
HarlowDuDy
Watching my brother go through something similar has been one of the hardest
things I've ever watched. He's pretty heavily medicated now and has struggles
to maintain "normal" relationships or a work life... After years of taking
care of him, though (and him actually graduating college and getting a job), I
had to start focusing on my own life again. I still feel overwhelming guilt
for moving away.

He's a veteran (did not go to war, though, discharged with the health issues)
so it's been even harder watching him try to make sense of it all with a
system like the VA.

~~~
coleifer
My youngest brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia about 4 years ago (though
it took over a year of him having symptoms before getting a diagnosis). It's
been incredibly difficult -- he's had a couple runs through the hospital and
it was terrifying to see him there, and to see the confusion in his face as to
why he was there. Through the wonderful care of my Mother, he's been stable
for the last two years and has insight into his illness, which means he takes
his meds and generally is open about talking about when he's symptomatic. It's
a constant battle, though, and it's hard to face the fact that he'll never get
better.

My wife and I attended a 12-week NAMI course (taught by my Mom, actually) and
it was incredibly beneficial. The course is designed for anyone coping with a
family member with a mental illness. Check out
[http://www.nami.org/](http://www.nami.org/) for resources and to see if there
is a course in your area.

~~~
Thevet
Just had to chime in because my story is similar (and I rarely get the chance
to talk about this stuff because, frankly, no one really enjoys talking about
it). My younger brother also developed symptoms of schizophrenia about four
years ago, and was recently diagnosed with it. Unfortunately he basically
hasn't left my parents' house for the past 18 months or so (he had a psychotic
episode that resulted in arrest/hospitalization and was forced to drop out of
the Ivy League graduate program he had been in). We can't get him on any kind
of medication because his religious mania causes him to reject western
psychiatry.

My parents also recently started attending a NAMI course and it seems to be
helping. I recommend it to anyone going through a similarly painful situation.
The hardest thing for me is the lack of insight in my brother (in the
psychiatric sense of the term) - how to convince someone they're insane? I
have to assume that it'll come from him rather than us if it does, but he
seems to be losing grip on reality more and more with each year. I'm curious
if you or anyone else in a similar situation can talk about how that
breakthrough happened and if there's anything to be done to encourage it.

------
coldcode
Good thing he lived in a country with a sane healthcare system. Imagine
getting this in the US and having poor or no health insurance and having no
family nearby.

~~~
arasmussen
I didn't notice the article mention which country he lived in, did I miss it?

~~~
publicfig
They also mentioned NHS throughout the article.

------
abruzzi
Its interesting, his descriptions of some of the early signs--inability to
sleep with thoughts moving in odd directions, slow uptake of speech,
disconnected situational awareness--are very similar to the sensations I get
when (as a diabetic) I misjudge my insulin and my blood sugar drops
dangerously low. I'm sure there in no relation, but I can sympathize. The
first few time it happened to me were all in the space of a few days and I was
convinced that I had a brain tumor or similar.

~~~
cowpewter
Yeah, hypoglycemia sucks. I was diagnosed hypoglycemic back in high school,
after two episodes of blacking out between calculus and band class. I also
feel spacey and disconnected and unable to process language when my blood
sugar drops, and just before blacking out I'll usually start either laughing
or crying uncontrollably. When blacked out I can still walk though. The second
time I walked straight into a pole, according to my friends, though my memory
stops a good 20 feet away from the pole, just after saying, "I think it's
happening again," and starting to laugh even though I was terrified. I have a
brief memory of standing in front of pole, then nothing again until a good ten
minutes later, in front of a water fountain in the school office (which is
where my friends steered me).

When it first happened I literally thought I was losing my mind, due to stress
or a tumor or something. When the doctor calmly said, actually that just
sounds like low blood sugar, let's schedule a glucose tolerance test, it was a
huge relief. I was on "second lunch" due to my class schedule, and wound up
getting permission to eat a protein bar during calculus so it didn't happen
again in school.

------
mklim
Another really good read covering what it's like going through psychosis is
"And Then I Thought I Was A Fish" by Peter Welch, covering a three year long
psychotic break he had after taking LSD. (He's the writer of
[http://www.stilldrinking.org/programming-
sucks](http://www.stilldrinking.org/programming-sucks), a hilarious blogpost I
saw linked on HN a few months ago).

------
FrankenPC
This kind of information is really good to know. I'm so glad some victims of
schizophrenia have the courage to discuss what happened.

------
lnanek2
He really needs to lay off the illegal drugs and the constant TV, concentrate
on his real life, and get a nice quite place of his own. As someone who hears
voices occasionally (not that odd considering studies show auditory
hallucinations can come from caffeine and lack of sleep), just a TV going
somewhere in the house three rooms away can make it a lot worse. I can't even
image what it is like for someone "with plenty of hash", diagnosed
schizophrenic, and who mentions so many TV shows constantly being watched in
the article and even by his parents. Marijuana and constant TV might be fine
for some people, but if you are hearing imaginary voices, maybe you should lay
off. The situations in TV and particularly the shows he mentions, like
Breaking Bad, are really not the sort of things you want a paranoid
schizophrenic mind to seize upon. You may wake up thinking the cops are after
you just like your favorite TV show.

------
Xcelerate
Hmm... lately I've had the "things falling over" sensation a lot. I'll jump
and move towards an object because I think it's falling, but it's not. Does
this happen to normal people too?

~~~
hollerith
No.

But I wouldn't worry too much if that is the only symptom you share with the
OP.

------
Paranoidhacker
It's weird they have disabled voting of this story and it also disappeared
from the front page(s) had to use history to find it..

~~~
jnbiche
It just means that enough people flagged the post that it set off the flame
detector, which takes it off the front page and disables voting. It almost
certainly wasn't anything one of the admins did.

Still, it's very sad that this community as a whole isn't open-minded or
mature enough to discuss mental illness. I guess it's not surprising, but
stories that make people feel uncomfortable are very frequently flagged off
the front page.

That said, HN is still the source of some of the highest-quality discussions
of various (non-controversial) topics on the web.

------
vermooten
Similar story happened to a friend of mine, all of a sudden she starting
seeing eastern-style patterns everywhere, on people like tattoos and so on.
Too much pot.

------
justaman
I have noticed several posts related to mental illness recently. What is this
in relation to? Deep learning? Productivity via mental health? Fill me in.

~~~
sp332
It's probably just curiosity about how our own brains work, and what they're
capable of.

------
bjwbell
I really wonder if his Mom making him go for a walk every day did more than
the drugs. For me exercising EVERY day has more impact than all drugs.

------
michaelochurch
OP: if you're reading, thank you for your courage.

