

Be Happier with Zero Expectation - bobbyong
http://bobbyong.com/blog/be-happier-with-zero-expectation/

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bpatrianakos
This is true but it's just not realistic. There are situations in life where
expectations are totally appropriate. I'd even argue that expectations drive
us forward. And if you have no expectation of an outcome, how can you be happy
or sad at all at the end? Or how can you tell there has even been an outcome?

If I have to drive somewhere and have no expectation of arrival time then I'll
neither be happy nor sad when I get there. I'll have just gotten there.
However if I severely lower my expectations then I can be happy when I get
there.

But I'm being pedantic here so I'll bring this back to reality now.
Disappointment, heartache, sadness, and gloom are part of life and should not
be avoided. We often find the motivation or drive to change and improve
through our negative emotions. Sure, it sucks to feel that way but it's just
as important as being happy and one shouldn't run from those feelings.

If you have good coping skills you can face disappointment head on, feel
shitty for a bit, and then plow through and find some happiness or a silver
lining. If you've got poor coping skills you'll be running away from all
negative emotions and totally stunting your emotional growth because of it.

I know the author wasn't trying to write an authortitative piece on happiness
so I won't criticize him. What I will do is add a little wrinkle to his whole
point which is: Eliminate or lower expectations when the outcomes aren't
important. So, for example, traffic is actually a perfect example. If you can
eliminate your anger and frustration over being late or being stuck in traffic
you're doing yourself a huge favor as being upset over it isn't doing anything
for you. However feeling upset and having expectations about your career or a
promotion or meeting a pretty girl one day can be quite helpful. The negative
feelings associated with not getting any one of those things should push you
to change your situation and get them somehow.

So all in all, I guess the TL;DR version would be: Apply the article's wisdom
wisely, not broadly.

~~~
personlurking
"And if you have no expectation of an outcome, how can you be happy or sad at
all at the end? Or how can you tell there has even been an outcome?"

I've had a problem with this for most of my life, sad to say. It works really
well for blocking out sad times but it obviously blocks out happy times as
well. I have not yet figured out a way to correct this because it's well
ingrained. Have any HNers worked out solutions for this?

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sophacles
I've found it works out like this: Make plans, not expectations. The
difference is subtle. I make plans, I even consider potential outcomes and how
to handle them. But I don't pin all my reactions on a belief about the
outcome. (I think a good definition of expectations is: belief that a
particular outcome is the just or deserved one). So when everything goes
sideways, I'm not stuck in some place of disappointment or shock. I just try
and roll with it. When focusing on a belief that a specific and single outcome
is the right thing, it is easy to miss opportunities to pivot to a better,
unplanned outcome. It is easy to miss opportunities to reach a not quite as
good outcome but avert disaster.

Basically, the idea is: shit happens, unexpected things happen, reality gets
in the way of plans as a matter of rule. So be adaptable. Expectations of
certain outcomes take away adaptability.

You can still be happy when your plans work out, you can be happy because you
had a goal of "making money" or "getting a better job", or whatever, and you
an be sad because "i didn't get a job i wanted, but ended up with this almost
as good one over here". Basically, I find it silly to tie emotions to one
specific expectation rather than as a reaction to what is actually happening.

~~~
personlurking
Yes, I once read "be flexible in approach, but sure of the destination", but
what I seem to do is to be flexible in approach, and flexible in the
destination. In essence, there are many ways to the moon, but "...if you miss,
at least you'll land among the stars," thus I end up dividing what I really
want into smaller positive eventualities and I try to be happy with whatever I
get. I suppose the real issue is a mix of lowered expectations, drive and
enthusiasm. Being hungry for that one thing and going after it. In a sea of
possibilities, it's tough for me to choose that one thing, though I wouldn't
expect otherwise from someone like me, a generalist and an INTP.

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manmal
There is this German saying: "Happiness equals results minus expectations".
And I have to agree, expectations are easy to miss, especially when you don't
learn to lower them. I used to constantly get late to basically anywhere
because I just did not factor in the time to shower, reading emails between
putting on clothes, etc. And boy did this stress me out. When I started to pay
more attention to my life in general (focus on the current moment and such),
such stressors just disappeared because I learned to not get into such
situations.

~~~
bobbyong
Pretty cool German saying. Care to write it in German? I did learn a lil
German n would be interested to know it :)

~~~
cseelus
Glück ist Wirklichkeit minus Erwartungen.

(As far as I know think this saying originated in Hinduism in the first place
and found its way into the german linguistic area somehow)

~~~
manmal
I know it as "Glück ist Erreichtes minus Erwartetes.", pretty much the same.

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hmbg
This doesn't work at all for me. I love having expectations. I love looking
forward to things.

I'm going on a trip in May, and I expect it to be great. If it sucks, I might
be a bit disappointed, but the vacation is a week, and the time I can look
forward to it is several months. If the vacation turns out to be great, I'll
feel great about it. Would I feel even greater if I had no expectations? Don't
know. I really don't think the delta of getting pleasantly surprised outweighs
the months of looking forward to the trip.

Being able to accept what you can't change (e.g. being stuck in traffic)
without getting overly frustrated is conducive to happiness, no doubt. I'm not
sure what it has to do with expectations; if I expect to be stuck in traffic
all morning, that doesn't make it more fun when it actually happens.

~~~
bobbyong
I got back from a 10-days backpacking trip to Thailand and Laos a few weeks
back and I totally enjoyed it partly because I went with zero expectation. I
did not know what to expect (no research) and I did not expect anything. I did
not book any hostels and just went with the flow.

I have no must-see travel list nor do I have any must-do travel stuff.
Anything interesting was a net positive feeling for me during the trip. Anyone
interesting I met was a net positive feeling for me. If I had expected to see
a certain place or do a certain thing and could not accomplish that during the
trip because of bad weather or schedule, I will be disappointed. I did not
feel disappointed at all for 10 days.

Well, different people might like to plan their life differently and you can
feel right in having expectations if that's what you prefer. I just found it
awesome to see a place without knowing what to expect.

~~~
4rgento
This illustrates the way I see the "thing" with expectations: "They come from
previos experience(including research as previos experience)". The Zen's mind,
begginers' mind books suggets to keep your mind open to all outcomes, despite
your experience (easier say than done, however).

It's hard(at least for me) to control expectations (I have evidence[bayes]
that supports those expectations). In the other side, the outcome, is what
actualy happened so you should add it to your evidence and update your prior
beliefs for the next time.

TL;DR avoid expectation (not the real point); accept the outcome and update
your experience (could be a better aproach)

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aneth4
Amazing how we the more we advance civilization, the better we are at ignoring
10,000 years of human wisdom. I suppose it's never a bad thing when someone
rediscovers these tidbits for themselves.

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score
This is reminiscent of the Taoist virtue "to hold fast to the submissive is
called strength." Or in other words, if a person never competes, he can never
suffer defeat.

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richeyrw
Yeah, I hear this a lot. And I'm sure that for most people the pendulum should
swing more in that direction. But like everything you have to strike a
balance. ZERO expectation really? To just take one example, what if you're a
boss? I know I would be happier if I didn't expect anything out of my
subordinates and they probably would to, but I'm guessing the shareholders
might not be down with my new zen attitude.

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vidarh
I think you are conflating two things: What outcomes you are attached to (what
triggers your emotions etc.) vs. what you work towards.

It is perfectly possible to work hard towards a goal, including motivating
others to do the same, but not be personally attached to the success or
failure of the outcome.

I lift weights. I go into the gym every day and try to do better than last
time. I struggle with increasing my bench press at the moment. But I still go
in and try my hardest and vary my progressions to try to overcome my sticking
point.

But I don't leave after a bench session all stressed out over not hitting the
next weight up: I'm not attached to the outcome.

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nachteilig
Reminds me of why the Danes are said to be very happy--low expectations.

[http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/07/19/lowered-
expe...](http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/07/19/lowered-
expectations/)

~~~
bobbyong
Great article. "Danes would make good Buddhists. They live their lives as the
Buddha advised: in the present tense, not grasping at some future happiness
jackpot."

Also the quote by @manmal is mentioned. “Happiness equals reality minus
expectations.” Given that neat formulation, there are two ways to attack the
problem: boost our reality or lower our expectations.

Interesting stuff.

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bluetidepro
I don't think this is something you can just "turn off" and/or change. I think
your personality can either allow you to do this, or not. You can tell me all
day to not have expectations, but that means nothing to me. I don't understand
how to "flip off that switch." I'm not saying the author is wrong, but I just
don't think I can agree that anyone can just not have expectations. I know I
have times where I didn't have expectations and things worked out great and I
was happy, but it's not like I can tell my brain to always react that way.
It's just how I am, and I wish I could change that, but I honestly don't know
how.

Does anyone have any _real_ suggestions on how to achieve this "zero
expectation" mindset, other than as vague as "just change your mindset" or
something to that degree?

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TWX_11389Aleph
The Bard said it well:

"O God, I could be bounded in a nutshell, and count myself a king of infinite
space—were it not that I have bad dreams."

------
graeham
“In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s
there are few.” – Shunryo Suzuki

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csmatt
Haven't read the article yet (I will), but I recognized your site due to my
work with userena :)

