
Goodbye? - throwaway_norep
I&#x27;m at a crossroad. I either kill myself or I find some kind of way out of here. No matter the choice, thank you HN. So far, you&#x27;ve been the cornerstone of my life.
======
gtirloni
I've been through some rough times and luckily made through (with lots of
help).

The general feeling afterwards was that my perception of reality had been
totally limited to the issues in front of me, and that life was bigger than
just that.

For me, it's a process of learning to distrust my negative emotions.
Afterwards they always seem unfounded.

I don't know anything but your situation but, based on my own experience and
that of others, my advice is to take it easy, slow down and dial back your
expectations about whatever is that you have/had high expectations. That will
clear your mind and you'll be able to see better soon.

There is a practical exercise I do while driving. As almost everybody else, I
don't like to stay behind slow/unsure drivers and that gets me really
stressed. While I'm stressed, I try to think "I do not want to be in front of
this driver, the few seconds this will get me will not be worth the amount of
trouble I'm having (or will have)." I'm essentially trying to remove that
desire from the situation, then everything is okay and life moves on.

Relax, take it easy, it'll pass and you'll learn. My best regards.

~~~
gibsonje
"For me, it's a process of learning to distrust my negative emotions.
Afterwards they always seem unfounded."

This is very important.

------
d3141
Please don't kill yourself,

I don't know your situation and I don't know what you're going through and I
can only imagine the pain you feel right now. The funny thing about life is
you never realize how much you were loved until you're laying in your casket.
I only say this because I am one of three and both of my siblings have passed
at their own hands. My eldest brother battled demons unknown to us and took
his own life and my youngest brother was bipolar and self-medicated to deal
with it and accidentally overdosed. I know this may not seem important at the
time but so many people loved them and they probably never realized and I'm
sure their are a lot of people that love you.

It is your choice and like I said I don't know what you're going through,
suicide isn't right or wrong, it just is, but it is a permanent solution to a
temporary problem. Please don't do this. I'm listing my email below, If you
see this and would be up for talking I would love to. I can give you my phone
number as well if you'd prefer the phone or if you're close to me we can go
get some coffee. Hang in there.

dave.jdough [at] gmail [.com]

~~~
AnimalMuppet
Seconded. Please don't kill yourself.

If you want someone else to talk to, you can reach me at mikestimpson [at]
yahoo [dot] com. Be aware, however, that I don't always check e-mail every day
on that account. If you don't get a reply right away, don't take it as
rejection or as a sign that you're worthless. You're not - I'm just bad at
promptness.

------
watkajtys
1 (800) 273-8255. Call this number. They are the national suicide prevention
hotline. The are lovely people. They've heard it all. I've called them several
times over the years. It's hard to talk to them, it might be a few minutes of
silence. But it's worth it. They are there to help.

You're making the first step in the right direction. Seeking help. To be
cliche, it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Life sucks a lot
sometimes. And sometimes we need help to get through the worst of it. But keep
fighting. You're worth it.

------
jgrahamc
Don't kill yourself.

Get in contact with someone: [http://www.befrienders.org/need-to-
talk](http://www.befrienders.org/need-to-talk)

And if you feel like it tell us what's up.

------
sosuke
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number 1-800-273-8255

There is always a way out without killing yourself. Whatever the other path
is, however emotionally difficult it may seem, is better than killing
yourself. Talk about what you're feeling, call a hotline now. It gets better I
promise. If you have anyone in your life, think about how it will make them
feel to lose you, don't put them through it.

If you're in the US (or even if not if the 800 system works everywhere I
think) don't hesitate to call right now and talk to someone who is ready to
hear you.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number 1-800-273-8255

Here are several other countries hotlines if you're somewhere else or feel
more comfortable sharing how you feel in another language.

[http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-
hotlines.html](http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html)

------
aa0981nahsdn
Hey! Been there. You are not alone. Nowhere close, that's just how depression
makes you feel. You're already reaching out, that's great, keep reaching and
while most people won't get it those of us who have been through it will
recognize where you are and some will reach back. That's how we got out, and
some day you'll be the person who's reaching back and trying to help people
get through it.

First, and most importantly, if you're _very_ depressed you may need help to
break through the veil of darkness that's surrounding you. Peace and happiness
are still in this world and their seeds are still in your heart, but
depression is system of barriers that you may need very real and tangible help
to break through. Sometimes our minds malfunction a little bit, it's in their
nature.

If you love HN maybe check out the vlogbros 3 minute talk on perspective and
depression[0]. It's the nerdiest account of depression I've ever heard. They
also have a crash course on psychology[1] which might make psychology less
unknown and therefore less scary if that's maybe a reason you're turning to us
instead of a psychologist who is probably better equipped to help you (I'm
only guessing based on reasons I don't go to the doctor when I need to.)

[0] -
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ooCeoh6608](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ooCeoh6608)
[1] -
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vo4pMVb0R6M&list=PL8dPuuaLjX...](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vo4pMVb0R6M&list=PL8dPuuaLjXtOPRKzVLY0jJY-
uHOH9KVU6)

~~~
aa0981nahsdn
How could I forget Hyperbole and a Half's classic post on depression? If
you've ever felt depressed and like nobody understands, or if you've ever
struggled to understand somebody going through depression, read this web-
cartoony thing: [http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-
par...](http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-
two.html)

------
jackmaney
Suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255

To get help via SMS, text "START" to 741-741

From one person with suicidal thoughts to another: please don't do this.

------
zoba
Something to think about: If you're really sure that your life is not worth
living, then I suggest trying a different life, rather than no life at all.
Another location, another career, another group of people to surround yourself
with. Being a bartender on a beach in Thailand doesn't sound so high pressure,
and should give you lots of time to think.

I don't know much about your situation, and maybe Thailand isn't exactly the
answer, but if you're to the point where you're looking for escape by death,
why not instead try finding escape by physically escaping to somewhere new?

------
rayalez
Hey, friend, no. Just don't. I have no idea what's going on in your life, but
don't. I have been there, just trust me, it will pass. Just focus on taking it
step by step, living day by day, just survive and wait, it will be worth it. I
guarantee you there will be time you will be glad you've waited, even if
everything is shit now.

Future will be very interesting, you'll want to see it, you'll just need to be
there to see it. For now just focus on surviving and waiting and find any
reason to go forward.

Even simple/silly ones, like watching the next episode of Sherlock that comes
out in 2016, or finishing a good book.

Watch some comedy. Watch Louis CK, watch Bill Burr, watch Community. To me it
_really_ helps, even when things are really bad.

Elon Musk will put people on freaking Mars. Self driving cars and robots will
be everywhere. Medicine will make amazing progress to fix our health problems.
You'll just need to be there to see it, to be a part of it.

Computers will kick ass, scientists will make crazy discoveries. You will find
things worth caring about. You will have cool people in your life too, just
hold on.

There _are_ people like you, there _is_ a place where you belong, there _are_
things worth living for.

Also when things are bad your brain just gets into a bad place, and a lot of
these thoughts are caused by chemicals. Things may seem hopeless but after
some time your brain chemistry changes and you look at the same situation very
differently, even if it doesn't seem real to you now.

You will find your way, it will get better. Right now - don't be hard on
yourself. Just wait and hold on.

Email me at raymestalez@gmail.com if you'll need to talk.

------
sswong
came across this quote once, and got stuck to my mind for life. Hope this
quote inspire you.

 _if you have courage to end your life, what else you are afraid of? why not
you continue to live on to see where 's tomorrow got for you?_ \- [1] anthong
wong

original quote _你连死都想了那还怕什么，敢死不敢活啊？你就活下去看看明天是怎么样_

[1] [chinese][video]
[http://www.tudou.com/programs/view/UVCLmDVwT_A/](http://www.tudou.com/programs/view/UVCLmDVwT_A/)

~~~
Fastidious
This is powerful, thank you very much for sharing it.

~~~
justizin
It's going to stick with me, for sure.

------
jason_slack
Please don't.

If HN is a cornerstone for you, please let us help you.

I live in upstate NY on a lake with trees and quiet. Want to come hang out and
rest your mind?

EDIT: Full disclosure, the DSL isn't great, but we have LTE. I have a lot of
books. 30 somethings who enjoy BBQ's and movies.

------
anonymousacc
I've been where you are right now.

When I was still in college I travelled to and from my home by train. I know
now, with the help of a psychologist, that I was suffering from a depressive
period during that time.

I had arrived on the station, and I saw that my train had just left. That was
almost the last straw for me. My memory of this day is very fuzzy, but nearby
a jamaican-looking guy was blasting reggae music from his phone speakers, and
people all around me seemed so busy with their lives. I felt invisible, like I
wouldn't be missed. I tried to make eye contact with the people passing by,
but nobody seemed to take notice. I then turned to the schedule to see when my
next train would arrive. Instead I noticed that an intercity train would be
passing through this station. While the trains do slow down when they go
through a station there's still plenty of mass and speed left to kill you, I
knew. I left my bag on the bench I had been sitting on and was mentally
preparing myself to take the jump when the train came.

I guess I wasn't ready to do it yet, because the train came and went and I
hadn't taken the jump.

Now, some time later, while not cured of my depression, I'm feeling better. I
never told anyone close to me about that moment, though I did seek help after
this. I also quit my study, since that seemed to be the root cause of the
extra stress on top of my depression. I've found full-time work in the tech
industry, and I've settled in quite nicely.

I'm glad I did. Because while I'm still not the happiest-camper in the world
I've also not reached the point again where I contemplated leaving it. These
days I look upon it as an anomaly in my mood. I don't feel all that good every
day, but it's bearable.

So my advice to you would be to wait it out. Don't trust the feelings you have
right now, because it really is only temporary.

~~~
sageabilly
"These days I look upon it as an anomaly in my mood."

OP you can get there. ^ did. I am getting there every day. It is an anomaly in
your mood, it's not forever, and it's not the end.

------
mvanvoorden
If it all doesn't matter anymore anyway, then you got nothing to lose. Find
(psychedelic) shrooms somewhere, eat a portion, and reconsider your choice
after your trip.

It saved my life.

~~~
chrismarlow9
I ate mushrooms once while depressed and saw devil faces on everything. It
didn't help.

Needless to say, this is bad advice.

~~~
nap
I ate some psychedelics once while depressed hardly (sometimes it went into
strong panic attacks), it was worst trip I ever had. I was just had to wait
when it end up. But when it was gone I finally realized a lot of things about
myself, about my life. It was clearest moment, like puzzles finally formed,
everything became understandable. Like I was holding my breath all time and
finally exhaled. I understood what it was destroying me inside and throwed it
away. It just saved me a life.

~~~
chrismarlow9
Oh for sure it left me with some lessons about myself after the fact. But in
hindsight I wouldn't recommend it to anyone unless they have a very seasoned
therapist present (not just a sitter) and plan to go fully medical with it or
not at all.

~~~
justizin
Blech. Read about set and setting.

Sometimes the _day_ that you feel most suicidal is perhaps not the time to
engage with psychedelics, but if you can peel yourself up a little, it can
offer great perspective.

Medical is scary to me honestly. Psychedelics shouldn't be so clinical, and
fearing them is only fearing yourself.

That said, they're not for everyone.

------
toothbrush
I feel a bit silly posting a comic, but at one point i discovered it while
feeling really down, and i found it very encouraging. I apologise if it
doesn't resonate with you, i don't know what you're going through.

[http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-
par...](http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-
two.html)

TLDR: speak to someone, get help -- there's a silly social taboo on expressing
depressive feelings, but there are many many options available. People who are
willing and more importantly able to help you.

I don't know you, but like the others here have said, i guarantee that there
are people who love and appreciate you, even if we're only talking about
potential future new friends you will meet if you stick around here :)

------
dang
As you can see from this thread, many people here have struggled and made it
through, and you aren't alone. Please listen to them. Please also find someone
specific to talk to. I'd be happy to do that, if you want; write
hn@ycombinator.com and I'll send you my personal email and we can discuss
whatever you want. But please talk to someone. Help exists and it really is
possible to heal, despite what inner torment tells you.

------
98Windows
Call a suicide hotline, there are people there waiting to help you.

Find a way out, use your creativity. The pain you feel now can be a powerful
motivator to radically change your situation.

------
coffeejunk
Don't kill yourself.

Call a suicide hotline right now:
[http://mefiwiki.com/wiki/ThereIsHelp](http://mefiwiki.com/wiki/ThereIsHelp)

------
ericcholis
Don't lose hope, there's ALWAYS somebody out there to help. Talk to others,
call a help line, something! Going at it alone isn't your only option.

Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

1-800-273-8255

[http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/](http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/)

------
imd23
DON'T PLEASE. You have at least 3 million people to meet and help you. Contact
me if you want to stay home someday
[https://www.couchsurfing.org/people/imton/](https://www.couchsurfing.org/people/imton/)

------
izolate
Feel like telling us your story before you go? Perhaps give us a chance to
change your mind?

~~~
cpursley
This. I'd love to hear your story.

------
plumdot
Echoing jgrahamc - don't do it.

Find someone to talk to:

[http://www.7cupsoftea.com/](http://www.7cupsoftea.com/)
[http://www.befrienders.org/need-to-talk](http://www.befrienders.org/need-to-
talk)

We're here too, if you'd like.

------
justizin
I've experienced this sort of feeling a lot. It's not something I like to talk
about with professional colleagues because I am the guy you expect to be more
reliable than you, and if I am sometimes curled up in a depressed ball unsure
if I want to keep breathing, how can I be more reliable than you?

Don't do it. You reached out, that's good.

What really got me out of the habit of thinking this way - basically a huge
distraction from the things you need to do to make yourself happy - was to try
and imagine if there was possibly a way to disappear completely without making
the lives of the other people I know worse.

I will say, in my early years in San Francisco as a student, whenever I felt
like there was absolutely no hope, I would take a $2 train to the beach, take
my shoes off, and walk the entire length experiencing how small I am and
comparing my relatively insignificant problems to the vastness of the ocean.

Unfortunately, we can't all have that, but everyone can go outside, stop
listening to the same music or whatever over and over and just watch a
squirrel climb a tree, two ducks fight over a piece of bread, talk to a
homeless person.

And whoever's actions you feel are linked to the way you feel right now,
surgically remove them from your life.

Every time I haven't ended my life, I've had the opportunity to experience
amazing things that I couldn't even imagine.

The crossroad is an illusion. If you attempt and fail - the most common
outcome - you could find yourself further burdened.

------
huxley
Listen to some of the people that are reaching out here.

Sometimes I've felt like I've had crossroad moments for a major part of my
life, stuck with deep paralyzing fears because of stupid things I've done.

Find someone to talk to, preferably a professional that will let you talk it
out without it spilling into your personal life (guilt about burdening my
family and friends was a major impediment in getting help).

Even though it allowed me to cope and have a professional life, one of the
worst things I ever did was to learn to hide how hurt I was. Talk to someone
about what you think are the consequences, the worst aspects. Let yourself cry
and feel stupid, it's alright. That crap builds up inside you and no matter
what, you don't deserve it.

And if necessary, consider getting some medical help as well. I have been on
anti-anxiety and anti-depression medications ever since I found my father
dying from a brain hemorrhage and I couldn't get him to help quickly enough to
save him. That event broke me, but I had been building the tension inside for
decades. The drugs don't really fix things for me, but they have helped with
some of the debilitating physiological aspects, take help from any corner that
you can.

------
allthetime
This is the perfect starting point for an adventure... something about nothing
to lose... Go somewhere warm and cheap on the other side of the world with a
camp stove that can run on gasoline (it can be hard to find white gas
sometimes) and see how far you can go.

That's what I did when I wanted to die.

------
carucez
One way to rephrase this is... why commit to a one-time decision when you
might be able to run away and never look back? -- reinvent oneself in a new
land.

Few legal constructs cannot be run from. Few legal arrangements cannot be
undone. For those that cannot... run!

... just considering this possibility is often enough to give you the strength
to keep fighting through whatever current situation or struggle you find
yourself in.

------
jimwalsh
Please call a suicide hotline!

[http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/](http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/)

------
eranation
If you are looking for a sign not to do it, this is it, DO NOT DO IT!

When interviewing people who tried to kill themselves and didn't succeed,
99.99% say that they regret it and that they would not have done it again.

------
nullterminated
I was suicidal in Silicon Valley, having just been fired from my dream job at
Stanford.

I'm still alive, and I'm glad that I am. My life is still pretty wretched, but
my perspective is different. My misery isn't any less, but I'm out from under
it. It's no longer crushing me and I can observe my misery with some
detachment now.

I hope that you manage to get out from under your misery. Don't let it crush
you.

------
rajahafify
I'm in the same position as you. I felt hopeless. I felt like there's nothing
I can do. When I close my eyes, all I could see is my hand holding a knife,
stabbing my heart, over and over. I am heartbroken and I just want the pain to
stop. I don't care how.

I don't know what is going to happen in the future, maybe I'll take my own
life one day. But for now, I just want to help myself. I wanted to help
someone like myself. I'm not good at anything other than making an app so
currently, I'm writing an app that I think would help me get by.

I hope the app that I made will help people like me. People like you. If it
even save one life, my life would be complete.

------
jschulenklopper
Wait! Advice here (perhaps even in my comment) might seem emtpy and distant,
as I don't know anything about your situation and your crossroad decision, but
it is just a humble attempt to express my empathy and offer help.

I've got a list taped on my wall with some things that I need to do daily to
improve my life - apparently I need the reminder. Of this list, I hope that
some of the following things help you to "find some kind of way out of here":

* get out in nature

* spend time with family and friends

* get enough sleep

* exercise

* talk to a human being

* meditate (or pray)

BTW, "Goodbye" comes from the term "Godbwye", a contraction of the phrase “God
be with ye”. That's my prayer for you.

------
dopeboy
There's a lot of posts on here with suicide hotlines - please call them. Once
you have, give me a call: 949-521-4954. I'm not a mental health professional
or suicide prevention expert - just a random engineer who loves this community
as much as you do and wants to make it better.

I should be around most of the day.

------
whynotkeithberg
I've attempted twice in my life & I'm extremely glad now they both failed.
Dealing with PTSD from multiple Iraq tours plus subsequent drug abuse left me
pretty low. But life picks up if you keep moving forward. It may seem simple &
cheesy... But in the end everything will be ok. As long as you're still
breathing... Everything is ok. You can come back from anything but death. I'm
not saying it won't be miserable for a while... But it will always turn around
if you will it to.

------
yowid
This article [1] by Christina H I read on Cracked some time ago saved my life
when I was about to off myself due to severe depression--I hope it can
somewhat be of help to you and anyone here who's also currently at the
crossroad. (EDIT: the comments are also great read)

Live on, buddy. You can make it. You're worth it.

[1] [http://www.cracked.com/blog/8-tiny-things-that-stopped-
suici...](http://www.cracked.com/blog/8-tiny-things-that-stopped-suicides/)

------
johntaitorg
Please, please don't do it. It'll be the best news I'll have all day if you
post that you won't

------
girmad
Tim Ferriss' practical thoughts on suicide:
[http://fourhourworkweek.com/2015/05/06/how-to-commit-
suicide...](http://fourhourworkweek.com/2015/05/06/how-to-commit-suicide/)

------
ukoms
Dear You! Don't kill yourself. This one thing we all cannot escape, it's true.
But don't rush to it. I've got diagnosed mind sickness which is commonly
reffered as "depression". I live in constantinous fear of dying. I was once in
point where i was so afraid o death I wanted to kill myself. Then it hit me -
killing myself because of fear of death is... illogical (yeah, I know - weird,
but hey - this is HN, you get it...).

I didn't believe in medicine, psychiatrists and all "you can live with that"
crap. Yet, i went to doctor. I went to therapist. And for about five weeks it
was hell. I was affraid more than before, I was so narrowed my vision was
almost all blackfield with small, foggy point of view. This was hardest thing
I did in my grownup life - endure it.

Guess what - it got better. No, my life hasn't changed a bit - my credits
wasn't payd off, my fears didn't vanished, I still had to go to work every
morning and I knew I am going to die one day. BUT - and this is most important
thing - MY PERSPECTIVE CHANGED. I know I can face all this.

I don't know anything about You. I don't know what had happened to You. Yet I
know one thing - you always have a choice. Yes, on the one hand - you can kill
yourself, BUT! - on the other hand - you can live. I won't tell you - think
about others before you harm yourself. This is bullshit, when you are facing
live-or-die choice. In death we all are alone so we can think only by
ourselves. So I'm asking you, begging you for real - think about everything
you are. You are far better than you think! You are the only one in the world!

You managed to make someone laugh, you did good in your life, you faced tens
and thousands problems and won over them, you can do something no one else can
do in a way no one else can replicate (even if it's eating a cookie with knife
and fork), you have dreams that are waiting to be fulfilled, you have so many
tortillas to eat, you can become millionare in a blink of an eye, you can meet
love of your life, you have all your life waiting for you.

Please - choose yourself living. God be with You.

------
atmosx
Hey hey, there's no rush to die! Could you to share any more
details/background about your situation so that we can share common stories,
advises, anything that could help you find a way to ease your demons?

------
facepalm
My own take: life will end by itself naturally. Compared to the long time that
we will be dead, any pain we endure during our lifetime is just a tiny blip.
Not worth the energy to make it even shorter.

Also second the mushroom suggestion. Not that I personally would be interested
in that, but the point is: if you have nothing left to lose, all sorts of
opportunities open up that you wouldn't have otherwise.

Impossible to know what could keep you attached to live. Personally I'm
curious to see all the new technological developments.

------
karmacondon
"Don't do it" and "Call a suicide hotline" have both been said. Good advice on
both counts.

In my experience, everyone who said "Don't do it" is in a better position than
I was in. A person with a problem will eventually solve it, or not. A
fundamentally flawed person will have only have more problems, generally of
the same type, again and again, forever. It's easy to confuse one situation
for the other. Most people are not deeply flawed, they're normal people who
are temporarily overwhelmed by normal problems. Anything they say to you
probably won't resonate. Advice from those who have plenty always has to be
filtered through a lens of "easy for you to say".

The only honest thing that can be said in this situation is to evaluate your
life with clear and unbiased perspective. Are you a normal person who is going
through rough times, or are you the kind of person that, for whatever reason,
genuinely has no hope? The latter group is very small and if you're in it,
you'll have known it for a long time. Odds are that you're better off than the
truly forlorn, and you don't need me to tell you that because you already know
it. Count your blessings and try to picture a better life.

I'm sorry if my candor offends some people, but life is too short and we're
too smart for platitudes. I hope that you get through this.

------
SunShiranui
Why don't you tell us your story?

------
uxcn
There's probably nothing I can say that will change your mind, but if you are
really at the bottom, one way to look at it is that there's no possible way
but up. I think a _lot_ of people have been at the point you're at now. The
one thing I think most people won't actually admit is that it's the one truly
defining moment in their life.

I genuinely hope you make whatever the right choice for yourself is. If you
need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to let me know.

------
brlewis
Finding some kind of way out of here holds way more interesting possibilities
than killing yourself. The world is big and varied, and lots of it is
interesting and enjoyable.

------
harveylord
The moment when you were sure it should be over will look strange in
retrospect, and you will be most grateful for even little things you decided
to stay around for: the first day of summer, what happens in the new episode
of Empire, etc.

Once you get out of there, you might think you would even want to live your
life locked inside an empty room for the rest of your life, because even that
might be infinitely better and more worthwhile than not living at all.

Best wishes.

------
xxxmaster
I am not sure in what situation you are, but before thinking on what you think
is the problem, check if you are completely healthy. Even when we think that
the situation is crystal clear and we have tried everything and we have all
the control over everything, please keep in mind your mental health is tightly
coupled with your body's health. The picture is not the same when seen from a
different perspective. Even if you do not feel pain or anything you can suffer
from something you didn't know and it changes the only thing you trust - your
brain. Do not be in a rush try everything in this life and take most of it.

I will always remember a phrase from a movie, where a little girl (suffering
from a serious disease) was asked "Do you know what happens after life?" and
she responded "There are many different ice-cream flavors that I still haven't
tried, I want to try as many as possible when I still have the chance. Then
one day I will understand what happens after life - that day will come
anyway."

Go get an icecream and see what you can try tomorrow! Be healthy, stay alive!

------
inpastel
Most folks here tell you to wait because it'll get better. Sometimes it
doesn't. I attempted suicide last year due to health problems. I still have
them to date and in fact a few are added to the list. However one thing has
changed: my tolerance for pain and suffering. It may sound cliche but we can
be much more strong than we think we could be. We just need time to adjust.

------
WCityMike
A lot of people have already talked to you, and I'm only coming to this thread
from my HN Daily digest. If you are still around and would like at least one
more piece of input, I will say this: for me, one of the things that helped me
was to realize that death (and by extension, suicide) freezes everything at
its current state of lack of improvement, except that it causes a ripple of
rather devastating negative effect upon anyone who ever was in contact with
you, proportional to how much they cared about you.

Life can always improve. It has. It will. Through your own efforts or those
you love. I am a few months shy of 41, and there are things I am on the cusp
on that I truly thought would never happen throughout much of my 20s and 30s.

I give you four words, more true than anything else ever spoken: Depression
lies. Anxiety lies. You cannot trust what they say to you.

I hope that you are still around and reading these words, even if you do not
respond to anyone.

------
simon_
I won't presume to tell you that you've evaluated your situation fundamentally
incorrectly. If you've come to this point, I doubt that hearing "there is
always hope" is going to sway you. Personally, I think you have the right to
make whatever decision you like about your own life.

BUT: I know from my own life that it is easy to forget about the value of
keeping your options open. Death really is permanent, and always available, so
there is rarely a need to rush it. All kinds of unexpected good things really
can happen... and if not... you can still kill yourself later.

SO: I'd suggest you make sure you adjust your thinking for the likely bias
that you are undervaluing the option-value in all the unexpected good things
you can't specifically imagine right now. If you have even a little
uncertainty on this point... better to wait a bit and see, no?

------
Urgo
You may be in a terrible situation right now and feel absolutely trapped but
by the time I'm commenting here you already have 51 other comments and 79
votes on here of people supporting you. You can get through this crossroads.
People are willing to help you. Accept the help and suggestions here.

------
random_number
> or I find some kind of way out of here

This is a better path to try first. How can we help?

What's the biggest problem, what types of solution can you see that remove
that problem? Assuming you are allowed to do anything, e.g. move to another
country freely, become a farmer or charity worker, live with distant relatives
etc.

------
ck2
Don't let the world stress you out like that.

Imagine in a few months how looking back you'd feel you were too extreme.

------
hirundo
People say that it gets better. And sometimes it does. But usually it doesn't.
The graph for the suicide rate monotonically increases with age. The older you
are the more likely you are to kill yourself. In other words it tends to get
worse.

You can take this as an argument to do it now and avoid the likely future
suffering. But I interpret it differently: It means that if you are going to
be one of the minority that gets better it's up to you to take action.
Continuing down your current path is a recipe for suicide later if not now. To
escape that you need to deviate from the standard. Do whatever it takes to
break out of your rut. Even if it's scary as hell. Because any risks in making
big changes are likely not to be worse than death.

That realization can be incredibly liberating.

------
throwaway39847
Been there myself in the past. Still struggling with depression.

The only advice I can give you is to give yourself some time. Really think
about if you want to do this for another 24 hours, or a week, or a month,
depends you how long you can bear it. Play a videogame or do whatever you
like, get your mind off your problems for a bit (preferably not with alcohol
or similar things) and let your subconscious mind work. When the timeframe you
set yourself has elapsed, reconsider. Is it worth doing it just now? Is there
stuff you might still want to do in your life?

Keep in mind, you can always kill yourself when the pain gets too heavy, it's
not a decision you need to rush.

I don't know if that works for you, but I'd say this has saved my life in the
past, just knowing that you _can_ always end it.

------
olifante
Wait. I'm sure in a desperate moment you see no light ahead or way out, but
this moment will pass and your urge will go away. Please talk to someone, look
for help, professional or not. Just talk to someone about these feelings.
"Nine out of ten people who attempt suicide and survive will not go on to die
by suicide at a later date" ([http://www.hsph.harvard.edu/means-matter/means-
matter/surviv...](http://www.hsph.harvard.edu/means-matter/means-
matter/survival/)), which shows that what seems like an existencial crisis
tied to your identity is often an acute crisis tied to current circumstances,
which can and will go away. Please wait.

------
meesterdude
While it is certainly within your rights to end your own life, the desire to
do so often arises from life transients or changes.

Also, not to criticize, but if HN has been a cornerstone, you might want to
look into a wider variety of building materials. HN isn't bad, but compared to
the wide gamut of life? hardly a comparison.

Anyway, I know it's not so simple, whatever your reasonings. I've been there
and I've talked with friends who were where you are.

If you lack a social support network (like I do) I really recommend getting a
psychologist you can trust; huge in understanding thoughts and feelings.

But I hope you find that with some better coping mechanisms, life is easier to
manage, and you'd be more up for living it than ending it.

------
watershawl
What are you thankful for? Take a deep breath. Breathe in. Breathe out. What
is going right in your life? Breathe in. Breathe out. Focus on the positives.
Breathe in. Breathe out. You're alive. You're loved. Smile. Breathe in.
Breathe out.

------
brown-dragon
I don't know you but please believe me - I care for you and want you to be
happy. And there are a lot of people like me who would do a lot for you.

Reach a suicide hotline. Let us help. The world will be less if you leave.

------
srameshc
Please don't kill yourself. Try not to think of it as an option. I can not
better "gtirloni"'s comment. But I am trying to make an effort to let you know
that there are many out there who care for you and your life. If you recollect
there must have been many instances in the past that felt like there was no
exit, but somehow you fought that battle it all worked out and then you moved
on. So this one will also go by and you will be fine, but please don't loose
hope.

------
moubarak
call me at +961 71 371133. i'm no organisation, i'm just an ordinary person
like you. So if you feel like talking to someone give me a call anytime.

------
samuel35
Jhon 3:16

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever
believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Is There a Solution to Your Problem ?

Jesus Is the Answer to Your Needs

------
StoneTable
I saw this quote today, a reminder of my own struggles with depression: "If
you’re going through hell, keep going."

Keep going, op. We're here for you.

------
SuperKlaus
Get in touch with somebody that can help you:

[https://www.imalive.org/](https://www.imalive.org/)

------
gboone42
Echoing so many others here. Please don't kill yourself. I've felt this way.
You will endure this. Call the suicide hotline, a friend, a loved one, or one
of the many other resource people have already posted. There are people in
your life, both here and IRL, that love and care for you and will help you.

The world is better with you in it.

------
Raphmedia
Have you tried it all yet? I doubt it. Don't end life. There are beautiful
things to live. If your life is too much for you, change it. Don't end it.

Change career if need be. Change country. Change friends. Change. Did you ever
visit another continent? Take time off. Better than taking life off.

------
Too
Dont know which stage of life you are in but an easy way to hit reset is to go
back to university in a new city and forget about the past, during kick in you
will surely find new friends, student dorms are cheap, no boss to report to,
you will learn new interesting things.

------
ruddyadam
there are great things ahead for you that you haven't considered yet! Call a
hotline NOW.

------
cblock811
If you're reaching out you must have some will to go on. I think a lot of
people on this thread have given good advice. If you're in the Bay Area I
would be happy to meet up for coffee and be a sounding board :) Email is in my
profile info.

------
vmmenon
I've been in your position a few times. Take it easy. Step away from your
computer, get outdoors, go for a walk, hop on to the first bus you see, go for
a ride, watch other people live their lives, and when you finally feel better,
go back home.

------
koof
Computers can suck sometimes. Maybe stepping away from them for a while might
be helpful.

------
bhavvik
way i think of it is that its in nature that anything that has a life in it
does what it takes to continue its life. there are reasons to want to die, but
even while dying (no matter the reason) your soul will continue to fight to
live.

------
pdevr
I believe that you're not going to commit suicide yet, since you're at
crossroads, according to you.

If you believe you will find some way out, you will find some way out. So,
believe in yourself.

Good luck!

------
cagey_vet
a friend of mine did the do recently, we were all pretty pissed off, me more
so cuz i flew my wife across the country for a wake, and i didnt even get my
lockpicks back. anyway, they were fairly close, it really hurt her as a
friend, so if you are looking to hurt someone, hurt me instead dude, i will
give you my d0x and you can call me and harass me to your hearts content, and
give me grief about my (1).

------
millinet
Sending you positive energy. We all face that kind of thoughts on day. Life is
yours; make it beautiful; pain won't last! I swear, believe me!

------
ms140569
Don't throw away your options by doing something terminal about a temporary
problem. You're here for a reason. Ask for and accept help.

------
chipuni
If you have nothing else to live for, then you have nothing to tie you down.

Instead of suicide, try completely changing your situation. Move to a new
country.

------
html5web
Don't do it, even if you think you have to!

------
penguinlinux
don't kill yourself. You are at a crossroad right now, could you elaborate
more. Sometimes suicide is the only solution but your mind is not seeing other
alternatives, can you let me know what is troubling you that you can't find an
alternative other than suicide. Your life is precious so please let us try to
give you alternatives.

------
cconcepts
Whatever you're going through; "this too shall pass".

That is applicable at any time in your life. Things will change.

Please hang in there.

------
dbpokorny
Please create a reddit throwaway and post your thoughts on /r/Buddhism.

Edit: why am I being down-voted?

------
rastem
Before drastic action, I recommend living a month away from the environment
that engenders these feelings. It's a plane ticket and extended hotel stay
away. Don't go thinking you must come back. Go looking for excuses to stay.

I hope this little sliver of advice can help. Good luck, from all of us who've
felt pain. You're not alone.

------
cypherpunks01
Talk to us! We give solid advice for better ways out of all kinds of bad
situations.

------
arjunvpaul
"When one realizes that his life is worthless he either commits suicide or
travels." go somewhere, do something. message me if you would like need some
ideas.

~~~
bruceb
Lot of people commit suicide when they travel. You are a away from home,
lonely, no support system. I think travel is great but not always a answer for
suicidal people

[http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/world/story/2012-05-04/a...](http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/world/story/2012-05-04/american-
suicide-overseas/54751110/1)

~~~
arjunvpaul
thanks for the fascinating article. I agree, it is not always the answer.
Travel may be an opportunity to get a whole new perspective - like realizing
your own value in helping less privileged people, or seeing opportunities that
you may not have come across in your own town or country.

------
dimino
Really ought to delink this one; not sure it's appropriate for HN, and there
are plenty of people already here who will keep the conversation going if OP
wants to talk.

I know I don't come to HN to have to think about mortality, and for folks who
might actually be hurting, seeing a post like this might trigger some nasty
memories or feelings.

My step brother, for example, killed himself, and now I'm having to think
about that in the middle of my work day, when I was really just looking for a
brief distraction...

~~~
mist12
Given the prevalence of anxiety and depression in the industry, I really don't
think delinking this post is the answer. This person is likely amongst those
"who might actually be hurting" \- try some compassion, it will do you good.

~~~
dimino
> Given the prevalence of anxiety and depression in the industry

That's not true, I don't think, and your dispassionate "grow some balls"
comment at the end is pretty ironic and certainly hurtful. :( I hope I'm
misunderstanding what you meant by that...

~~~
mist12
I am very far from dispassionate on this subject. Like the OP and many of the
other people posting, I've struggled with severe depression and I know from
personal experience, talking with many others in the industry (specifically in
SV) and talking to people in the medical field that there is a lot of anxiety
and depression around. I am very sorry that you've experienced the loss of a
family member, and I didn't mean to be hurtful. I simply meant to say that, in
my personal opinion, delinking the post is not helpful as it simply papers
over a problem which exists.

------
stressfreeworld
Think about your family and friends

~~~
mvanvoorden
That doesn't work.

Staying alive for others while you don't want to live only makes matters
worse.

Live because you want to, not because of what other people want.

~~~
sosuke
If you have loved ones, that suggestion can work. If you know your (x) loves
you, then you think about the pain they will feel when you're gone it can sway
your thoughts.

~~~
DanBC
Or it could just add the the guilt that a person feels and make suicide more
likely.

We know that telling someone with a phobia "don't be scared of that thing"
doesn't work.

Why do we think that merely saying "think of your family. They love you" will
be effective?

------
opsbug
There are ways out, trust me, you will find them. I honestly think that you
could use this moment to just forget how your life has worked so far, and try
to look at what your future might be. If you don't feel like talking to
someone, I think your best friend might be a book. I would recommend Letters
to a Young Poet by Rilke

