

Ask HN: Eliminating Impostor Syndrome? - some_furry

I recently had a long conversation with my friends, in which they accused me of not appreciating my own accomplishments.<p>Some background: I&#x27;m the only one of my friends who has a real career. While I&#x27;m making $70k&#x2F;year as a web programmer, they&#x27;re making $10&#x2F;hr or less working at restaurants. And yet, I&#x27;m usually the one who&#x27;s complaining about suffering from self-doubt. Mostly because of a lack of relationship experience (at age 25, it starts to feel like failure).<p>As much as I know about Impostor Syndrome from reading about it online, I&#x27;m not sure what I can do about it.<p>Sure, I could do the opposite and go around boasting about how skilled&#x2F;knowledgeable I am, but I really detest arrogance and I outright hate hypocrisy. I&#x27;m not sure that would help me any.<p>I know this is a common problem. I don&#x27;t know what the solution is.<p>(In case it wasn&#x27;t clear: My friends want me to be happy with myself, because when I&#x27;m not it brings everyone else down too.)
======
rmxt
_Your_ successes are _yours_. Don't let anyone get under your skin about them.
There are good reasons to be grateful for any good fortune that has come your
way (e.g., parents that helped you get through college, scholarships,
connections or "ins" that helped you get a job), but those things say nothing
about your _continued_ success at your career.

As for tactics... It might seem like a monumental task and it doesn't directly
address how to handle yourself amongst your existing friends, but how about
trying to seek out new friends alongside the ones that you already have? Maybe
look at local Meetup groups for people that share your interests (programming?
sports?). What about your coworkers? Any chance for socialization outside the
confines of the office? Perhaps you'll find people that have achieved similar
sorts of successes as yours, such that you won't feel like an outlier. I
wouldn't suggest building a complete "bubble filter" around you from the
gripes of your friends, but taking their criticisms to heart without seeing
what else is out there is also not a great idea.

Alternatively, can you open up to your friends about your lack of relationship
experience? Can they help you get acquainted with anyone that might be a
potential match for you? Relationships are definitely a "try, and try again,
and try again" sort of endeavor, so there's little reason to despair no matter
how old and inexperienced you feel.

Good luck... from one internet stranger to another, you're doing great.

~~~
some_furry
> Alternatively, can you open up to your friends about your lack of
> relationship experience? Can they help you get acquainted with anyone that
> might be a potential match for you?

They're aware about it, and there's not much that they can do. I'm fishing
from a rather small pond, so to speak.

> Relationships are definitely a "try, and try again, and try again" sort of
> endeavor, so there's little reason to despair no matter how old and
> inexperienced you feel.

I don't even get a chance to try, really. Too many guys my age are only
looking for one-night stands.

> Good luck... from one internet stranger to another, you're doing great.

Thanks :3

------
NumberCruncher
If I were you I would work 1-2 nights a week as a waiter. You can take it easy
because you are not doing it for the money, can work together with your
buddies which makes it more fun, can pick up some social skills you may lack
and it makes easier to get know some chicks.

If it works out you owe me a beer...

~~~
some_furry
I'm actually a gay male, so I owe nothing. ;)

I like this idea, but nobody wants me to work two jobs.

------
chloe590
I have the same struggle. Unfortunately, the solution is to do something,
anything, to start until you become more focused and engaged. Since you do
like to read, consider going off the web to some more sustained thinking on
the topic. I can suggest 4 titles that have a wide range of perspective on
what underpins "Imposter Syndrome" First, Feeling Strong: the achievement of
authentic power was helpful to me. It's more than the self help treatment it
was given by it's publishers. Person does a nice job explaining what power is
and is not, not for political leaders but by everyone and debunks quit a bit
of what passes as power exerted. Second, this is typically framed as a women's
problem. Linda Babcock from Carnegie Mellon wrote Women Don't Ask negotiation
and gender divide that takes up how those with survivor syndrome undercut
themselves before they even get their first job forever bending their income
curve for their entire lives. Overcomng Underearning by Barbara Stanny was a
surprise sleeper to me. It also takes up money, but it primarily a workbook of
exercises that really helped me. It's also useful for groups to do the work
and discuss together and might get you off the hot seat with your friends.
There is a whole chapter devoted to what your earning more does to your
relationships including friends. I suggest taking a look. Last, Loneliness by
Caciippo and Patrick. Admittedly, this one is not for the faint of heart but
it does talk extensively about the phenomena of isolation, real and perceived
and what it does to people individually and collectively. And I will admit,
one of the best things I ever did was to get a therapist to help me put it all
together. It never goes away but with tools and knowledge, it gets easier.
What I learned that is most important is that you cant change yourself alone,
by reading a book, you do it among other people so the task is finding the
right ones to do it with.

------
smt88
Confidence leads to increased success, so your self doubt might be keeping you
from even greater job opportunities (meaning more money and probably more
fun).

But HN and other online communities aren't good places to gain confidence.
It's something you should do with an experienced counselor or therapist.
There's no shame in going to a professional to help you internalize your
success. In fact, it's smart and humble.

~~~
some_furry
> Confidence leads to increased success, so your self doubt might be keeping
> you from even greater job opportunities (meaning more money and probably
> more fun).

Yeah, I worry about that sometimes.

> But HN and other online communities aren't good places to gain confidence.
> It's something you should do with an experienced counselor or therapist.
> There's no shame in going to a professional to help you internalize your
> success. In fact, it's smart and humble.

Yes, I suppose you're right.

------
magic_beans
This is ABSOLUTELY NOT imposter syndrome. This is insecurity. You obviously
feel like your decent salary entitles you to a sense of personal well-being.

It doesn't.

~~~
some_furry
Err no, this was THEIR point not mine. I personally don't care about career
success. They argue that I should be proud of how far I've gone instead of
feeling like a loser all the time. I don't even parse these thoughts when I
try to force myself to think them.

~~~
ethanbond
That's still not impostor syndrome, and is still just being aware of (at least
what you feel are) failures in other realms.

Success is defined by you, and clearly includes some things you don't feel
that you're succeeding in – relationships – so you're not succeeding.

~~~
some_furry
Okay, thanks for clearing that up

------
binalpatel
Check out Feeling Good by David D. Burns. It's something I came across a while
back when battling with my own self-doubts, and helped me tremendously.

It's Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Basic idea being, what you think is what
you feel, and what you think isn't necessarily rational or good for you.

------
niche
I hear ya some furry~! Keep on~ love your drawings ~ best

