

Why you should never be a startup girlfriend - curio
http://stephfinch.com/2008/07/why-you-should-never-be-a-startup-girlfriend/
For all of you ladies who may or may not be flirting with the idea of dating a startup programmer, you should know exactly what you’re getting yourself into.
======
jfarmer
There's something about lists like this that bother me. I know it shouldn't --
it's meant to be light and humorous. I think what bothers me is that the
person she describes is really, godawful boring.

The line that stands out for me: "If you want to understand your boyfriend,
understand computers. It’s not that difficult."

I...I just don't know. I'm an engineer at an early-stage startup and computers
are a big part of my life, but I certainly hope they're not the best way for
my girlfriend to understand me.

I'm not ribbing the article. It's cute. But when I read it I cringe and maybe
worry a little bit that I actually _am_ like that.

I'd also feel terrible if I treated my girlfriend like that.

~~~
tdavis
_...and maybe worry a little bit that I actually am like that_

So? No where in the article do I see her _complaining_ about anything. I am an
"engineer" at a startup as well, and I have never treated a girlfriend poorly.
She wouldn't skip work to spend time with you and you can't either. The
difference is you work far longer and less set hours than she does. When
you're building or running a business you have to be realize that there are
people in _that_ relationship that are counting on you, likely for their
livelihood. Due to this fact, "dates" become less important than keeping the
website up because missing a date doesn't cost you hundreds or thousands of
dollars -- and it keeps the people you work with from becoming frustrated or
angry by your lack of proper priorities.

I exhibit many of the tendencies she describes in the article, albeit toned
down to a less extreme level (I would never do an SEO campaign for a gf's
birthday site (or make said site), for example). Saying "If you want to
understand your boyfriend, understand computers" is accurate so long as you
take it to mean, to understand what he talks about if you ask about work or
what's causing stress, etc. In previous relationships, sometimes the woman
took a genuine interest in what I did, wanted to learn a bit about it, etc.
Others would just affectionately tell me I'm "such a nerd" and tell me to come
back to bed. Either way, it requires understanding on their part.

As for being boring, I can honestly say I've never had a boring relationship.
Just because she works at a bank doesn't mean she's boring, just like coding
doesn't make you boring. It's what you do with the time you're together that
matters. In general, it's what you do when you're _not_ working that makes
life exciting and adventurous. Your profession should have nothing to do with
that (unless you're an international assassin or something, then it's always
exciting). An old friend of mine, who barely ever uses his computer, has
routinely been described by his girlfriends as an extremely boring person. He
doesn't like going out and would prefer to just lounge around his apartment
all day and play video games or watch TV, regardless of whether or not his
girlfriend is there. I have never once been with a woman and said "lets just
sit around and you can watch me play this game." You're making assumptions
based on outdated stereotypes.

Yes, in general "we" are highly technical, logical people. We like challenges
and taking risks. We hate mediocrity and lose interest in anything as soon as
it becomes boring. We can be very passionate, opinionated and headstrong. We
have a constant desire to learn and grow in new ways.

Now, what in the hell is bad about that?

~~~
jfarmer
I read your response and the other thread of replies and all I can think of is
this:

since feeling is first / who pays any attention / to the syntax of things /
will never wholly kiss you

------
tlrobinson
Ah yes, "the zone".

Whenever I start living with / working with / dating someone I always make
sure to warn them about "the zone". I've been known to completely tune out
everything around me to the point that it takes someone waving their hands in
front of my face to get my attention.

I try to tell people it's nothing personal, and I'm not consciously ignoring
them, but I don't know if they believe me. The worst is when I realize 5
minutes later that someone was trying to get my attention and gave up.

------
kimboslice
Or... "why you should never date someone who writes blog posts named 'why you
should never be a startup girlfriend'"

~~~
holygoat
+1, correct use of quotes.

------
silencio
I guess someone needs to write an article for the 1% of people who fall into
the "startup boyfriend" category.

I appreciate men who understand computers, use Macs (or, well, I'm platform
agnostic but prefer !windows), know what twitter is, and will wait in line
with me to get a new iPhone. :)

------
dmix
Buried for innaccurate title. She concludes that she actually enjoys being a
startup girlfriend.

Oh wait this isn't digg. Up arrowed.

------
jmtame
For those of us that are single...

Does a single girl out there EXIST that could understand even a few of these
items? Particularly the one about weekends?

I've scoured my campus and I have yet to find one.

If(oneExists) { letMeKnow(); } else { sigh++; }

~~~
dgabriel
We exist.

~~~
jmtame
where have you been all my life? =O

------
tpiep
> "You will have to appreciate the time and effort it took to run a search
> engine optimization campaign on the website he made you for your birthday,
> and how important that is to him. He shows his affection differently than
> other guys do sometimes."

That's funny.

------
jamesjyu
Many of these points are nullified when you find a girlfriend that is also in
the startup world. Share the pains and joys together!

~~~
jyothi
true and better you both read HN sitting opp each other sipping coffee :)

------
aspirant
All I know is that _Startup Girlfriend_ is going to be in the title of my next
product.

------
vaksel
"~Own a Mac or be willing to admit that you should."

Who codes on a Mac?

~~~
gommm
I do, I used to code on a laptop running gentoo but got tired of spending too
much time working as a sys-admin on my own system...

Now I use a mac and use prefixed portage to manage all the unix apps I use.

~~~
swombat
You use portage on a mac? How? Got a link?

~~~
jey
It's not not a port of Gentoo Portage, but here's something similar:
<http://macports.org>

There's also Fink, but for some reason I didn't like it when I first tried it
(over 2 years ago).

------
xlnt
Why you should never be a girlfriend: relationships usually end painfully

~~~
alex_c
Ah. Don't make me break out the Tennyson.

"'tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."

Sorry, I had to!

~~~
xlnt
"'tis better to have loved and lost 5 times, than never to have loved at all."

Is this version true too?

~~~
davidw
Yeah, you need to iterate to refine the process.

~~~
xlnt
If every iteration hurts then is iterating a lot really a good plan?

In each iteration one believes this is the final iteration that will last
forever. If not, you're doing it wrong. How is that compatible with planning
to iterate?

~~~
gommm
It's the same as creating a company... If the failure rate is high, trying
more than one time bring the failure rate down... But when you are creating a
company if you start by thinking that it's going to fail, you are already out
of the game ;-)

