
How to fend off a jerk - daveJSF
http://www.davedelaney.me/blog/how-to-fend-off-a-jerk
======
rdtsc
There is even a more general technique -- do the unexpected, to break the
expected social protocol.

In situations like this, if there is an aggressor (say the customer in this
case) they expect a certain outcome. They envision how the interaction will
go. "I'll be demanding. Employee will get upset, maybe a bit snippy. I'll yell
at them and show them who's boss. Maybe even complain to the manager." But in
turn they see a smile, complements ("Oh, what a beautiful Porsche you have!")
and willingness to help. They are angry inside but it is hard to manifest it
without appearing completely crazy.

I've heard of other stuff like this:

* In a dangerous part of town and see a bunch of shady people eye you up -- act crazy, mutter to yourself and maybe flail your arms. Friend liked to do this in a bad part of Chicago.

* Someone wants to pick an argument and is just contrarian no matter what you say. At first argue a bit, then immediately switch sides and argue against your old position (basically on their side). Also to make it fun, be kind of aggressive and angry at your old position just like they were.

* An aggressive panhandler is verbally harassing you asking for money. "No thanks, I'm good. Talk to you on Wednesday". Say it, as matter of fact as possible. Their mind will stop for a bit trying to process that, and it gives you enough time to walk away far enough.

~~~
cname
In a "bad" part of town, maybe think of the people there as real people, and
don't come across as obviously fearful. This has worked pretty well for me
(although there are certainly other factors involved).

~~~
rdtsc
Maybe, and maybe get mugged. But I don't want to get mugged.

Sure on an intellectual level, everyone is a human being, deserves to be
heard, not feared, etc, etc.

At night, in a neighborhood ridden with crime, seeing a bunch of teenagers
zoom on your from across the street and starting to cross the street toward
you, it is easy to re-assess some priorities.

~~~
dawnbreez
Y'know, people who want to steal for a living usually learn very quickly how
to tell if you're gonna fight back. They don't want a fight, they want your
money.

If you look like you'll bolt the moment you're threatened, that's a better
outcome. Better than being stabbed or shot, at least.

------
pawn
I'll probably get flamed for this, but this story reminds me of good ol'
Proverbs 25:21,22!

If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him
water to drink. 22 In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and
the Lord will reward you.

~~~
JustSomeNobody
Don't worry about the flames:

Matthew 5:10-12

"Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for
theirs is the kingdom of heaven. "Blessed are you when people insult you and
persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me.
"Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great; for in the same way
they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

------
noir_lord
Have used this approach years ago when I worked retail and it works really
well (as an aside working retail for at least a year will give you a sound
grasp of customer service and introduce you to the 10/80/10 split, 10% are
lovely to deal with, 80% are somewhere in between but fine and 10% are jerks).

I also learnt not to take it personally, some times people are having a really
bad day for reasons you can't see and a little bit of empathy goes a long way.

~~~
Magi604
Yes, I do believe everyone growing up should work in retail for at least a
year. It's a valuable experience (my experience was working for a year in a
Toys R Us).

~~~
ergothus
I worked retail in high school, and none of the takeaway lessons were about
the customers...

~~~
pavel_lishin
What lessons did you learn?

~~~
ergothus
I learned that I hated a business where there are cycles without positive
feedback. Put away christmas displays, put up valentines, cycle through the
holidays, never see the benefits (people might enjoy their purchases, but
you'll never know it).

I learned that terrible managers can be quite successful. The chain I was part
of had 800+ stores, and MY store had the highest turnover rate of them all
(because the manager was angry and mean). But we made our numbers, so upper
management didn't care.

I learned there is a lot of risk being taken behind the scenes. When our
accountant quit (because of manager), he had no one else to do the job so he
stuck our newly hired 16 year old on the job (she came on a month after I did
and had no more accounting background than I did, but he had no one else). One
day I ended up doing an extra shift because it was a holiday sale and our asst
manager was brand new. He relied on me a lot, and at the end of the day my
register was somehow a few hundred short (honestly no idea how - probably
accumulated errors over the 13 hour day, but I was normally dead on) and I
never heard a second word about it even though that'd normally be an immediate
firing.

I learned my coworkers (mainly 40-50 year old women) wished their husbands did
more in the marriage. I also learned I'm a bit of an elitist snob. My favorite
line: "Bill and I never go on dates anymore. But the tractor pull is this
weekend so I'm hoping!"

The store bought overstock and sold it, and I learned a bit about what the
difference between junk, junk with a brand name, and brand name goods that
actually had value.

I learned that if you stocked unheard-of brands of condoms, people would still
buy them.

~~~
dawnbreez
Is there a cheat code that lets me give a post infinite upvotes?

------
LordKano
I use a version of this when dealing with police.

Instead of trying to act happy or friendly, I remain as level as possible.
Think "Mr. Spock with a smile".

I have found that even "huff and puff" types calm down after a minute or so of
this.

~~~
seattle_spring
How often are you dealing with police?

~~~
Quanticles
Maybe he's a paramedic

~~~
jf
and/or a minority

~~~
LordKano
And we have a winner.

------
GCA10
There's a beautiful illustration of this principle from the NFL, of all
places. When quarterback Andrew Luck gets sacked, he enthusiastically
compliments his tackler for a great play. It completely messes up the
opponent's psyche, at least according to this darkly funny Wall Street Journal
story:

[http://www.wsj.com/articles/andrew-luck-the-nfls-most-
perple...](http://www.wsj.com/articles/andrew-luck-the-nfls-most-perplexing-
trash-talker-1418663249)

------
bobsgame
This is unfortunately rewarding poor behavior with extra attention- it's
teaching people that they get better service when they are rude.

In a face-to-face position, this might be a good coping strategy where the
confrontation is temporary and unavoidable.

On the web, it's best not to engage with rude users at all, since they will
continue coming back and learn to expect attention from negative behavior. Try
to only engage with polite and positive users.

~~~
eseehausen
Honestly, when somebody who isn't a subordinate, friend, or direct charge acts
like a jerk, I don't think it's worth taking this kind of pedagogical role
with regard to etiquette (probably not a good idea in the friends case a lot
of time as well). If somebody wants to be a jerk, there are enough providers
of goods and services that they'll find one that responds favorably to that.
Not to mention that they'll probably rationalize turning them away as the
provider being a jerk rather than learning something from it. As DarkTree
points out, the provider's response to that behavior is more about managing
the provider's quality of life than about shaping customers for the greater
good.

------
drivers99
David Burns (in the book "Feeling Good") wrote about the "disarming technique"
which is "find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if it seems
totally unreasonable or unfair".

------
LulzSect
Playing dumb can be effective disarming others who might otherwise percieve
you as a threat.

Shady character asking you for time, cigarette, etc.

"Nah bruh, shit I need one too, you got one? My bad fam."

This has gotten me out of questionable situations during the wrong hours out
in Brooklyn/Manhattan inner city areas.

------
maket
I worked at a fast food place back in high school, I often used this approach
to a pretty effective degree. The only issue that can arise is when your
increasing friendliness causes the person you're dealing with to get
irrationally angry and do something rash, such as throw a cup of coffee at
you.

It was pretty painful, but the laughter the situation induced was a nice
distraction.

~~~
markc
I'd imagine that increasing friendliness in such a situation could easily be
interpreted as mocking or patronizing (no matter how sincere you are) and in
that case the hostile reaction isn't to the friendliness it's to the mis-
perception of it.

~~~
zem
in most cases it _is_ patronising; that's the entire point of how you
psychologically "win" the encounter by being friendly to someone who is being
a jerk to you.

~~~
marvin
...which is why using social manipulation techniques like these area _great_
for working with strangers or people you will never see again, but mostly a
bad idea in more permanent relationships. E.g. with colleagues, repeat
customers that you want to see again etc.

------
Mendenhall
I will work customer support at a company sometimes just for fun. I work in
completely unrelated field but I love the psychology of customer support, to
me its a video game with very well created bots.

Over 1000+ online chats I have never been given a negative review and any
customer can leave one through the live chat feedback. I have never had anyone
complain about my service on phone either.

A couple things I find key, do not let anyone's words bother you, ever! You
are immune to damage from words.

To me its like, do I get mad at a video game because the level is hard ? or do
I enjoy it because its a challenge. That is probably the hardest part for most
people. To me they are "crabby bots" that you want to defuse and brighten
their day.

I never let someone's mood effect me, I consider that giving someone control
over my emotions. They are forcing you to act a certain way by their actions
and that to me is losing control, Which I find to be a weakness for many
reasons. Once you are immune to them having any effect on your emotions you
cannot be dragged down or taken off point, so you operate from a position of
power.

Then, Empathy, Empathy, Empathy, and personalize your response almost as if
you are friends. They are mad because their package is late ? "I am so sorry
for that, I cannot stand when my packages are late."

They hate that their package is late ? well you realllly hate it when packages
are late. They could not reach tech support, called and couldn't reach anyone
so they are mad ? "I really have to apologize for that, it is unacceptable, I
completely understand why you feel that way".

You adopt their sentiment that they are expressing and relate to it. It lets
them know you are in their corner. They bash your companies customer service ?
you reply with "I cannot stand poor customer service, so I will make sure we
get this right because I know how frustrating it can be.

It's a game! You take no damage and get to play with someone's mind!! how fun
is that!

Another subtle thing, Is don't just use copy paste responses that make you
sound like a bot. I actually leave some typos and grammar errors in when I do
customer support, and use smiles and lol sometimes (makes you human). Remember
its your friend who you are talking to and they are trying to give you money,
Help them do it.

------
Joeboy
I don't think the defence is really the happiness, it's the appearance of
immunity to their behaviour. Which only helps if they're not actually in a
position to puncture your defensive bubble. Are you supposed to keep acting
happy when the jerk starts being physically violent or stealing your stuff?

Edit: Please imagine me smiling broadly despite the downvotes.

~~~
fastball
Well, obviously there is a difference between "trying to piss you off" and
"doing shit that is actually illegal".

~~~
Joeboy
There's only a difference in practice if you have a chance of getting whatever
law they're breaking enforced. Also there are bad things people can do that
are legal.

The technique may work well with people whose only ambition is to be slightly
irritating and who aren't particularly committed to that goal.

------
nickjj
This works really well for software support too.

I have some technology related courses out and I sometimes get people who ask
questions in extremely passive-aggressive ways or just have a terrible
attitude.

I just bombard them with optimism and treat them in the best way I can. Most
of the time they will do a full 180 and become very reasonable, sometimes even
apologize.

------
smarks
Very interesting! My question is, does it work in email? At least, it might be
worth trying.

~~~
TranquilMarmot
I find trying to be "overly nice" in email can often come off as a little
condescending.

~~~
ntumlin
If someone's being rude to me I don't mind being a little condescending.

------
forrestbrazeal
This approach only works if the other person realizes they're being
rude/obnoxious. If they're not self-aware enough to know that, they're just
going to interpret your friendliness as a sign that you enjoy being around
them...

~~~
alewi481
This can be a good thing too. I worked at a gas station for a few years, and I
had a share of regulars who seemed to have no regard for me as a person by the
way they interacted with me. Some things that I would encounter from them
included ignoring formalities, getting impatient over mild inconveniences, and
generally acting haughty in conversation. I wasn't really in a position to act
offended, so I would just follow my routine of acting friendly and saying
hello and good-bye to them.

Almost every time, after enough repeated interactions like this, it's as
though these regulars forgot that they didn't like me. They would see me and
light up, or they would eventually thaw out and start putting more
consideration into the way they interacted with me.

Whatever their inclinations for acting unpleasant may have been, I rarely, if
ever, had anyone not come around and act more personable after enough friendly
encounters with me.

------
feocco
I would have gone insane years ago if I didn't pick this up. If you remain
happy & friendly while being able to explain the reason for any question you
ask, no reasonable person can bring you down.

------
theseatoms
This is surprisingly easy to pull off, especially if you have good senses of
absurdity and perspective.

As noir_lord mentions, just don't take it personally.

------
FiddlerClamp
"A soft answer turneth away wrath." \- not sure who said it, but I agree.

On the other side of the fence, I find that a sympathetic word to a
cranky/grumpy cashier or salesperson can really help cheer them up. For
example, "Wow, looks like you're having a super-busy day. How's it going?"

~~~
merpnderp
I try to do this every time they look harried. Because you know they're angry
that the manager hasn't opened up more lines, or worried the people waiting
are mad, or some sort of anxiety. So being friendly and acknowledging their
predicament costs you nothing, but can make their day a bit easier.

------
mhurron
People just ignore me and I'll eventually just wander off.

~~~
mcguire
Sometimes I wander off anyway.

------
kazinator
> _I sighed and grabbed the squeegee to do his entire window again._

You wouldn't last long in Japan if you sighed at customer requests. Hai,
sumimasen, and wipe it again.

A jerk is what that customer is _being_ today; it's not necessarily what he
_is_.

------
joshstrange
Now a days I could see that being a nice service while I used my phone but
what did people do while their car was being filled up back then? I'd rather
be doing something rather than sitting in my car doing nothing...

~~~
rthomas6
I have a pet theory that people had longer attention spans back then and
didn't need constant entertainment to distract them from the present moment.
Also they listened to the radio and enjoyed not being out in the cold.

------
beloch
Not everyone who acts like a jerk (as described) is seeking confrontation.
Some people who act like this are simply a rare combination of finicky and
totally self-absorbed. If you act happy and bend over backwards to meet their
demands, they'll see you as a rare individual worth coming back to again and
again and again. Sometimes you really do have to stop smiling and let such
people know they're being unreasonable, because they're totally clueless.

------
xlayn
This will be added to my toolbox after some excersicing... If I'm able to do
it correctly would be nice.

Buuuuut, I have a question: imagine this is a call, and you go by the rule
with extreme optimism to an angry customer on the phone, don't you risk in the
case of a recording to sound kind of crazy? it should be incredibly natural
and well thought and executed... if not you risk being exposed.

With that said... isn't this a way of making your employees being nice no
mater what?

------
ap22213
Based on the comments here, I'd better practice up on being rude. Seems like
I'll get better results.

------
coreymaass
I've often used a similar technique driving, but it has backfired. When
someone gets angry, flips me off, etc. I will usually wave exuberantly, with a
huge smile. Unfortunately making an angry driver angrier gets scary quick.

~~~
Teckla
_I 've often used a similar technique driving, but it has backfired. When
someone gets angry, flips me off, etc. I will usually wave exuberantly, with a
huge smile. Unfortunately making an angry driver angrier gets scary quick._

Once in a while, I catch myself making some kind of mistake on the road that
angers another driver.

I really wish there was some kind of international, "Sorry, my bad!" gesture.
If there is one, I'm unaware of what it is.

------
squozzer
And when you find yourself hanging on a cross or inhaling a liter or two of
water in Gitmo, just remember this -
[https://youtu.be/WlBiLNN1NhQ](https://youtu.be/WlBiLNN1NhQ)

------
donatj
This is my usual route to any sort of confrontation. Act happy while stating
my disagreements. Nothing pisses my wife off more.

------
mdip
Great read and I've seen this work directly in my life for the 20 years after
I heard this advice for the first time. There's no avoiding it. Someone is
going to treat you terribly for reasons you don't deserve and most of the time
and you can't "patch" the other guy/gal.

I was the youngest member of the team by 6 years at the company I started my
career[1]. I was treated like a kid (often called a whiz-kid, but not in a
flattering way). I worked with sysadmins, several of which had terrible
attitudes and all of which were at least 5 years my senior. Three were
outright bullies and made me hate a job I would otherwise love. A coworker
told me "treat them with undeserved kindness" and quoted a bible verse about
it being like "heaping hot coals over them". I wasn't a Christian so the bible
didn't have the authority that it held for him, but after a long talk, I
understood the usefulness and decided to run with it. It came down to "whether
or not the abuse is deserved, you can't _make_ the other guy do something
different, you can only control _yourself_ ".

I became the guy who was kind to "the 3 jerks". I'd find things to do for them
-- volunteering to swap tapes, noticing how coffee was taken and bringing an
extra back when I refilled[2], twisting received backhanded compliments into
compliments (with inappropriate thanks), and apologizing about things they
complained to me (and about me others) seeking advice on how to do better[3].
My behavior toward "the jerks" spilled over to everyone else. One of the 3
bullies became my defender and friend (I got the impression he was a jerk to
fit in at the time but such is not the case today).

I really liked the description of what happens to you when you decide to put
this attitude in action. The more you do it the more comical grumpy, angry
people become. The phrase "it must suck to be you" sarcastically rang through
my head occasionally. The two remaining bullies, however, behaved how I've
found _most_ bully-types behave when I'd ceased to be a reliable target. "Heap
hot coals" was a perfect description. They became _bigger_ jerks and their
behavior spread out to everyone. I was picked for projects over them because I
was seen as kind/friendly while they were stereotyped as BOFH. Coworkers saw
the undeserved abuse given me by "the jerks". On the same day I received a
promotion, they were laid off (and I was told directly that it was due to
their terrible attitude and the way myself and my advice giving coworker were
treated). I became a much happier person in general. Thinking about it now,
it's strange to think that happened because I chose to accept abuse and be
kind, but it was.

[1] I was 19 doing sysadmin/infrastructure support for a telecom - most of my
coworkers were over 25, many over 35.

[2] I remember grabbing myself a cup of coffee and filling up another cup for
my coworker, prepared the way he always took it, and having him say "sucking
up to me, now, are ya?" and then complaining that it had too much sugar. My
boss was in the cube next to his at the time and overheard the conversation.
He stopped by to apologize for this employee's abuse and asked me why I was
being so nice to him. I don't remember my response.

[3] This was the only hard part - swallowing my ego. Experience has taught me
that Sysadmins/Devs have _strong_ opinions about things that are as important
as the color of the bikeshed. I'd be denigrated for not following rules that
were unwritten (and not followed by these individuals) and trivial (i.e. tabs
vs spaces where "wall of pink" doesn't apply) and having to _ask_ how I could
do it "better" while swallowing the screaming in my mind that said
"Seriously?! This is what's _so_ important?!!"

~~~
otterpro
Thank you for sharing your awesome story. I've learned a lot, and I agree that
swallowing one's ego is probably the toughest part, especially in an
environment where I tend to be the youngest/least experienced.

------
jamesbowman
Yes, upon being insulted the best response is to avoid being insulted. The
idea goes back a long way.

[http://boingboing.net/2010/10/29/twenty-first-
century-3.html](http://boingboing.net/2010/10/29/twenty-first-century-3.html)

------
brianberns
I use this approach and call it "killing with kindness".

------
georgehaake
Well I read that wrong at first glance.

------
xyzzy4
Well the most important thing to remember is the Golden Rule. You should treat
others as you would wish to be treated in their situation.

~~~
Joeboy
How do you want to be treated when you're being a dick to service workers for
no reason?

~~~
xyzzy4
Probably with respect?

~~~
Joeboy
Should I treat gratuitously unpleasant people with more respect than other
people?

~~~
xyzzy4
No, the same amount, but also try to spend less time interacting with them if
possible.

~~~
jasonkostempski
I wouldn't want other people trying to spend less time with me.

~~~
xyzzy4
Well the way the universe works is people can't spend time with everyone else
concurrently.

