
Being Shy Is Just a Bad Habit, and You Can Break It With Regular Practice - obtino
http://lifehacker.com/5909696/being-shy-is-just-a-bad-habit-and-you-can-break-it-with-regular-practice
======
spodek
Mention introversion and shyness, especially around geeks, and many people
will come out saying, "I like being shy," "I'm an introvert, that's just the
way I am," and things like that.

Different people learn social skills differently. For me they were incredibly
hard to learn, but my life improved so much with each bit that learning each
bit motivated me to learn the next. Now nobody can believe I was ever not
outgoing.

Saying "I'm X" doesn't mean you have to be X forever. But putting it that way
reinforces your X-ness. Some people say shyness is like gayness, something
your born with. I haven't observed that to be the case, not that I've
researched it.

To me the problem with being shy isn't that others look down on it. It's that
it prevents you from solving many problems. Most of life's hardest problems as
well as greatest solutions are social.

Saying "I like being shy"... well, everyone likes being shy sometimes. But I
doubt anyone who also knows a million other ways of being would prefer losing
everything but shyness. Do you like having no option other than being shy?

To anyone who says you can't learn social and emotional management skills to
overcome shyness, that wasn't the case with me or others I know. You can say
those cases are anecdotal, but so is yours.

~~~
bane
>Different people learn social skills differently. For me they were incredibly
hard to learn...

Precisely. I like the introvert/extrovert description of recharges
alone/recharges with other people. I grew up as a serious introvert, but my
parents knew the value of social skills. One day my father turned it from a
chore into an introvert-style learning exercise by framing it as a skill to be
learned and not a quality to be had.

I joined the orchestra, got comfortable with public speaking, learned how to
make small talk. I'm not a natural at it, but get by fine today, even in very
public sales and lecture/teaching roles.

I still like to go home at the end of a day and recharge alone, but I can use
it like a skill and it's been incredibly valuable.

~~~
hnhg
I read your definition, and thought, "Yeah, I'm an introvert because I like to
recharge alone." But then my next thought was, "Actually, it depends on how
I'm feeling." Often I seek company because I like to recharge with other
people.

Am I an extrovert or introvert? I don't feel like I'm in one or the other for
the particular majority of time. I don't believe it's a great model for
describing everyone.

For the record, I used to be shy but forced myself out of it. I also felt I
had to learn new skills (sometimes a painful process), but I still don't
believe I'm naturally either introverted or extroverted - neither really
describe me or my behaviour.

~~~
sbarron
It's a continuum, not a constant, and can definitely be based on the situation
or who you're with.

------
zephyrfalcon
This comment nails it:

"""Please read "Quiet - The power of introverts in a world that can't stop
talking" by Susan Cain

Saying its a habit is saying that you can easily overcome it. I don't feel
it's a choice, do you know how many times I thought about ending my life
because I hated being born an introvert and shy?

This article might as well be called: If you are shy, its you're fault, stop
being lazy and change.

Once gays are accepted the biggest issue is probably going to be that
introverts dont feel accepted in this extravert world."""

The conflation of terms like shyness and introversion (etc) has been discussed
before, so I'll leave that one alone. The last two sentences of the comment
are more interesting. If you are shy, is that necessarily bad? And is it your
"fault"?

The other issue applies as well. It's not OK to fire someone because of their
gender, race, sexual orientation, religion, etc; but firing someone because
they are "shy" or "introverted" or "not a people person" seems to be perfectly
acceptable and legal. Shouldn't that be considered discrimination as well?
(Assuming that "being good with people" isn't a requirement of the job.)

~~~
SatvikBeri
> This article might as well be called: If you are shy, its you're fault, stop
> being lazy and change.

There seems to be a tendency to conflate someone saying "You can change X" and
"If you suffer from X, you're a lazy and bad person." That's not productive.
It's an emotional response to a logical issue. pg goes into depth about these
responses in the article "Keep Your Identity Small":
<http://paulgraham.com/identity.html>

A huge percentage of people _can_ improve their social skills to practice, and
we as a community can accept that without taking it as an insult to anyone who
has weak social skills.

~~~
mfieldhouse
Ironically, this thread has degenerated in to exactly what pg is describing.
People are binding their identity to their preferred style of social
interaction.

"I'm an extrovert..." "Oh well, I'm an introvert"

~~~
hedgie
seeing as personality is defined as a preferred set of reactions to external
events, your preferred style of social interaction is part of your identity by
definition.

this is shorthand for saying "I prefer alone time to recharge" or "I am
energized by the company of others," which is a fundamental aspect of
identity.

factor analysis of personality breaks down personality into related sets of
consistent behaviors. introversion/extroversion exists in even the simplest
model. the distinction was first noticed by Jung. it was even observed in dogs
by Pavlov, who found that dogs that were active around other dogs fell asleep
when left alone, where as dogs that seemed exhausted by the same events perked
up when isolated.

introversion/extraversion is not a constant preference. sometimes introverts
like parties. but individuals have a preference for one or the other that
forms a preferred set of responses to external events, which makes it part of
the definition of personality.

this is an article based on folk psychology written in ignorance of thousands
of articles on this subject, starting with Jung, experimentally noted by
Pavlov in animals, and made rigorous in the work of Hans Eysenck. Eysenck used
factor analysis to rigorously define extraversion and identified it as a basic
dimension of human personality.

this is an incontrovertible finding of modern psychology.
extraversion/introversion form one of the parts of the five factor model,
which uses factor analysis to identify five core factors of human personality.
some models have more, some less - that's the art of the technique. but they
all have introversion/extraversion.

there is a distinction between shyness and introversion, where the former is
mostly likely meant to mean socially anxious. however, introversion is an
enduring personality trait that factor analysis consistently identifies.

~~~
JoachimSchipper
Sure it's part of your personality, but that doesn't mean it _has_ to be part
of your identity. There are people who don't consider their gender part of
their identity, there are people who don't consider their (lack of) religion
part of their identity, and there are _definitely_ people who don't consider
intro-/extrovert part of their identity.

(Note that "identity" has the same meaning as in pg's article, above.)

~~~
hedgie
well, pg is some dude defining identity on a blog, and the people i mention
are famous scientists who quantified personality and isolated
introversion/extraversion using a statistical theory with predictive value.
this theory explained the behavior of dogs that Pavlov had noted in the
fifties. the preference was eventually linked by Eysenck to levels of cortical
arousal.

whether you consider it part of your identity or not is moot since
introversion/extraversion still defines a consistent set of reactions to
external events.

the article is wrong on every level. introversion has nothing to do with
confidence. i speak very confidently when i want to. i was an excellent ta and
can present on subjects clearly. in the course of my studies and career i have
had several people tell me that i was the only person who could clearly
explain complicated mathematical concepts to them. i enjoy talking to people
and discussing with them.

i am still an introvert and have a preference for isolation that is consistent
in my reactions to external events. this preference does not determine my
reaction to all events. how introverted i am is a measure of the consistency
of my preference towards solitude. i like talking with people - i just don't
like it all the time.

i'm sure some people don't consider them introverts or extraverts. they
usually fall on the middle of the scale, with no distinguished preference
towards either category. however, their existence does not disprove that other
people have strong preferences towards introversion or extraversion.

~~~
JoachimSchipper
Nobody is arguing that intro-/extraversion does not exist and is not a
valuable component in predicting human behaviour. pg 's article predicts that
people self-identifying as X will have certain hangups around X, e.g. people
self-identifying as shy are less likely to learn to be less shy, even if this
would be desirable. Looking at this thread, that is exactly what happens. (And
I'm done with this thread.)

------
ajays
As I read the comments, I see people becoming polarized very quickly. People
are comparing shyness to homosexuality, etc.

I think we need to calm down. As I read the article, it is saying that if you
think you're handicapped (as in, at a disadvantage, before someone brings up
physically disabled people) in society due to shyness, then it is possible to
work on it and overcome the handicap to a large extent. If you are happy with
being shy, it's OK; no one wants you to change :)

I find being shy an impairment to making new friends and dating, and it bugs
me. The weird part is: I used to be a TA in the university, and did a great
job. I was able to lecture very well, and got good reviews. But in a social
setting, I clam up. However: if I know the people well, I can become quite the
life of the party. But when I'm with strangers, I can't just come out of my
shell. For example: I could never go to a bar by myself and strike up a
meaningful conversation with a strange woman.

~~~
sanderjd
Saying "shyness is ultimately a symptom of you being uncomfortable with who
you are" in the first sentence of the article does not sound like "it's OK; no
one wants you to change :)" to me. That is the problem with the article, it
presumes that there is something wrong with shy people. It could instead
presume that there is something wrong with outgoing people, or that they are
simply two equally reasonable ways of being, but it doesn't.

It's too bad that it bugs you - your way of being makes sense to me, you open
up with those who have put in the time to deserve your openness and don't with
those who haven't. Contrary to popular American male belief, pretty much
everything in life is more important than being able to go to a bar and talk
to a woman you don't know.

~~~
ajays
"Contrary to popular American male belief, pretty much everything in life is
more important than being able to go to a bar and talk to a woman you don't
know."

That may as well be; but not being able to initiate a meaningful conversation
with a stranger won't get you into a relationship (if that's what one desires,
of course). Once you get out of college and move to a strange town, it's very
hard to strike up friendships; especially so if one is a shy person.

~~~
smsm42
Not really if you approach it correctly. Find people that share interests with
you, that enjoy same things you enjoy, etc. - internet makes that much easier.
Visit places where such people assemble. Chances are you will encounter some
people that you enjoy keeping company with. Then you will discover when you
are in a suitable company, you're not shy at all.

------
garethadams
It seems to me this article has been pitched badly. It does come across as "If
you're shy, you're broken", where in my opinion it's actually trying to say:

"If you're worried that your shyness is stopping you enjoying yourself/making
the most of opportunities then don't worry, it is possible to get past that".

I think it's a poor decision that they didn't differentiate between people who
are quiet and happy with it, and people who are quiet and are frustrated by
it.

I used to be the latter, and now even though I'm still pretty quiet, I'm a lot
happier knowing I _can_ open up a conversation or get involved in a group if I
want to.

And I do have to say that I think it's a lot better having gotten over that
bump, certainly I've been able to make a lot more opportunities for myself.
But it does take work and it does take other people to help you.

------
Zigurd
For a lifehacker article, that contained very little of pithy, "try it now"
practical advice one expects from that blog.

------
pasbesoin
Some people have sensory issues. Too much, too loud, too long is physically
overwhelming.

They can be plenty communicative in smaller, quieter settings.

Contemporary society can drive them nearly crazy, insisting they "speak up",
over the din of dozens crammed into a loud, poorly ventilated room. Insisting
they tune out multiple conversations 3, 5, 10 feet away from them, for 8 or 10
or 12 hours a day, every day.

Give them some peace a quite, and they are quite effective. Give them high
signal to noise ratio, and they exceed their peers.

One size does not fit all. The first thing a "shy" person often needs to
learn, is this. _Really_ learn this.

P.S. They can even learn to do the "crammed room" thing, for limited stretches
and when _there is a specific purpose_ that centers on those people being
gathered together in that setting. (E.g. presentations, conferences, etc.)

That doesn't mean that the goal should be to thrive in such, 24/7. Nor to
indiscriminately partner up with whoever happens to be in the room, just
because they're sharing physical proximity.

/grump

------
rokhayakebe
If anyone is shy and wants to reduce it, here is a simple, tested, and
effective method: Say "Hi" to strangers, people at work, anyone you bump into.
I do not mean a low hi, without eye contact. I mean a LOUD "hi," with a
It's-nothing,-I-am-just-happy-to-be-alive smile on your face, and keep the eye
contact.

~~~
guscost
Turbo mode: say "Hi, ___" whenever you know their name too.

------
loceng
There are underlying reasons why people are 'shy.'

Shyness could just be being shy talking to girls or boys you're attracted to,
it could be shy talking to anyone. It could be shyness that occurs when
presenting.

Shyness has a base of one having their guard up. Their energies will lock up,
close off, and then it's difficult to impossible to use feeling to know you're
safe (or not) in a situation.

Figuring out what these guards are, allowing the thoughts that come up and
feelings triggered that cause your guard to go up is the only way to let your
guard start to come down and stay down when it doesn't need to be up; If you
go on medications you could even further distance yourself from being able to
connect to your inner-self (to your body and emotions, and 'intuitive'
understanding that comes from that connection).

------
r0s
The most effective treatment for shyness I've found, was by far retail
customer service.

Anyone can get these jobs, probably even somewhere fun part-time. The bar is
so low for this type of job they will take almost anyone. It's very easy to
distill a business interaction down to a short, easy script. Then repeat that
dozens of times a day for a year and suddenly you're an expert at small talk
with every kind of person.

It really worked for me, highly recommended.

~~~
keithpeter
Or do some charity collecting. I mean with a tin in the street, not the UK
thing we have at the moment of hordes of paid street spammers trying to get
contact details.

Similar situation to shop work, but only nicer people will approach you, the
ones who know the charity and want to give something. People like to tell
their stories as well, which can help.

------
grourk
Didn't read the article, but I read the headline to my wife who has a Masters
in Clinical Psychology and is studying for her MFT license exam. Her response,
"That's garbage. Shyness isn't a bad habit, it's a personality trait; and it's
perfectly normal." She went on, "The American culture tends to favor the
extraverted, but studies show that introverts have just as meaningful lives as
extraverts. They tend to have a more refined sense of self, they tend to know
what they like, and they tend to be more selective with their friends.
Introverts make great leaders and work well in groups, they don't demand extra
attention."

She points out that people conflate anxiety with shyness. Same with anti-
social habits and behaviors. Being under-socialized and not open to new
experiences... I'd guess that's what this lifehacker article is doing. So if
it's encouraging people to open themselves up a little more, more power to it.
But please stop making "shyness" out to be some kind of defect!

------
hcarvalhoalves
Being introverted is one thing, being shy is another.

Introversion is a personality trait. It means you tend to spend more of your
time on internal thought processes - that is, you tend to "reflect" more, as
opposed to "interacting" more. Also, introverts are more self-aware. That's
completely normal.

On the other hand, being shy is just avoiding exposing yourself. If taken to
extremes, it keeps you from living life. That's _not_ normal.

It's perfectly possible to be introverted but not shy. In fact, if you talk to
actors and musicians (or anyone involved with artistic expression), you'll
find a surprinsingly high number of them consider themselves introverts.

------
daed
The last bit the author mentions is something I've thought about recently,
which is - where do I live? Inside my head or outside of it? I find myself
primarily living inside my head, which is a very different world than the one
around me.

While the inside vs outside distinction likely correlates to
intro/extraversion, I think it's quite likely a scale of its own. I think this
is a much more interesting topic than the introvert extravert war this thread
became and is worth everyone taking a second (or a day) to think about - where
do you live?

------
jen_h
Shyness is NOT "ultimately a symptom of you being uncomfortable with who you
are." What an offensive statement to make!

Sure, shyness is easily surmountable--just start talking. It's like jumping
off the high dive 'cause everyone behind you's already started climbing the
ladder.

Awkwardness, however, is not so easily dispatched. So shyness has its uses and
I'm perfectly comfortable resorting to it when necessary.

------
mistercow
That's a rather ableist point of view. Being shy may be a "habit" for some
people, but some of us actually have anxiety disorders.

------
unimpressive
I think I finally realized why Internet flamewars are as a rule comprised of
insults and poor spelling and grammar:

Passive aggressive, thinly polite, well written (In a grammatical and
syntactic sense.) posts on the same flame-inducing subjects are actually _more
painful_ to read.

------
khyryk
_writes article about his own experience accounting for an infinitesimally
small fraction of all cases, gives advice to all cases with a boatload of
preconceptions_

------
pressurefree
its a survival technique.

------
intenex
Response to Kodess's comment on the site, being approved:

Agreed, being scared of a situation isn't necessarily habit, but it's
definitely not good, and as you mentioned, can even cause you to become
suicidal. Put into that perspective, it seems it would definitely be
beneficial to not be shy if you had the choice - and that's what the author
here is trying to get at. I was suicidal and shy all throughout school, until
sophomore year of high school. That's when I became so fed up with my piece of
shit life that I gave myself an ultimatum to change it. Started throwing
myself into social situations (for me, it was primarily my utter inability to
be attractive to girls that was making me suicidal - I couldn't even _start_
to speak to a girl - _any_ girl), and bit by bit, sophomore year entirely
changed the trajectory of my life.

In retrospect, I was enormously awkward in all my first attempts to break my
shyness, and it was entirely fueled by feelings of inadequacy and coming to
_identify_ with my current state - seeing it as an inherent part of me. I was
_born_ shy, this _is_ the way I'm am, I can't change it, it's impossible, this
is just who I am and it sucks shit and I'll kill myself eventually. Utterly
defeatist talk. If you think that way, if you never even make the concerted
attempt (do it for 3 months, at least, concerted full force and then you can
say you've made the attempt and it failed miserably), then of course you're
never going to change and it might as well not be a choice, even though it
truly is.It's tough as shit, but you can get over it. And over time, what the
author means is that it becomes more than habit - it becomes so deeply
ingrained into your own perception of yourself that you can't escape it. At
some point, you don't even try, and you condemn yourself to a pointless life
of suffering and missed potential. Don't let it happen.

Anyway, to finish up my personal story - I've fairly completely lost all my
shyness, though there are still times where I can't think of anything to say
and am entirely out of my element at a social gathering. I'm just now
realizing that I'm almost certainly a massive introvert, but as has been said
already here, introversion isn't the same thing as shyness. Those who are shy
will very likely tend towards introversion and those who are introverted may
quite likely become shy as a lack of exposure to social situations, but
learning how to cope with social situations and not be afraid is simply a
result of experience, practice, and exposure. Do it enough and you'll realize
there's nothing to be afraid of.

As a result of my first forays with girls in sophomore year, I realized I
could change almost anything about myself that up to that point I had assumed
were inherent failings in my being - I started taking the hardest classes in
school, joined cross country (had never been athletic before), hell, even
joined Speech and Debate Team and started my own microfinance
organization...went on to fairly unequivocally become the highest achiever in
my school, first person in its history to attend Harvard, now on leave to
build a startup, traveled to all 7 continents last year largely on my own,
etc. etc. No longer suicidal at all. Needless to say, my life was entirely
transformed by that one simple decision I made in the summer before sophomore
year of high school - to be fed up with the subpar person I was being, to
refuse to accept my shyness, and to do something about it. Small changes can
take you a far way.

Tangential, but pertinent in attitude:
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=q...](http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=qX9FSZJu448)

Best of luck!

