

Ask HN: Took a new job, not happy, but baby is coming - bad-decision

I recently left a company (in April). While there I was in a senior engineer role, leading a team on very technically challenging products.  The work as described in the interview sounded challenging, interesting, and generally helpful.  In reality, its not challenging at all.<p>My title took a step down too.  Since it was a significant pay raise I figured it was a big company thing, However while working I&#x27;ve found others with similar responsibilities and pay grade with the a senior title.  Though it’s a small thing, it kind of bums me out.  I still haven&#x27;t updated my LinkedIn because I’m embarrassed by what feels like a step down.
The first month I was there, I cleared out the &quot;Summer backlog&quot; in a two week period.  As a result, I don&#x27;t feel like many on the team like me. People seem to begrudge that I’m bringing my small company pace to the team.  My boss though, seems pretty satisfied... he brought me to help on a new team.  He sold my new role as &quot;infrastructure guy&quot;, which sounded really great!  Designing better frameworks for the team to be more productive.  It&#x27;s something I’ve demonstrated that I’m good at, and he thought it could help the team.  The problem is the role so far has really been more of a technology sales role, than anything else.  Being the guy constantly trying to change how work get’s done makes people not like you.  Which sucks.<p>On the other hand my wife is 8 weeks pregnant.  So far it&#x27;s proven possible to leave your work at work.  As a former “my work is my life guy”, its an uncomfortable change. But may prove useful when I have a baby.  I live in one of the most expensive cities for childcare, and I don&#x27;t get the feeling I’d make my salary (or have the possible flex time) this company offers.  Basically, the benefits can&#x27;t be beat easily.<p>How do you balance, feeling like your career stopped, uncomfortable team dynamics, and a shitty commute with oncoming responsibilities?
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seren
My 2 cents.

You are stressed both from the new job and the pregnancy, and you are bit
confused by what's lying ahead. This is normal and would be weird if you were
not reflecting on yourself at this time of your life.

Getting a child will in any case change your life rather dramatically, but
this is really not such a big deal, many people have been there before, in a
few weeks/months you'll have adapted to the new normal. However, I don't think
it makes sense to try to change your situation right now. I would wait at
least 15 months (pregnancy + some time to make some adjustments to your life).
You'll probably have a clearer view at that time of what is important to you,
how is your new schedule. You will discover new priorities you can't imagine
or that you overestimate today. So the question is, are you ready to keep your
job for another 15 months ?

The second point of your post seems to be your dissatisfaction with your new
role, and that you can't find your place in your new team.

> Being the guy constantly trying to change how work get’s done makes people
> not like you. Which sucks.

It does not have to be this way. People tend to resist change because they are
afraid of what is lying ahead, afraid of a loss of power or responsibility,
etc. If you have been an expert on X for years, you are not really enthusiast
if the whole team is moving to Y.

I would advise to read some books on change management: try to get the support
from key stakeholders, identify why people are resisting change, try to find
what would appease the reluctant one (training, promotion, etc), identify the
early adopters, communicate your early success, etc. If you are really moving
to Y, why not putting the expert on X in charge of the new technology ? Rather
than seeing the change as a threat, it could become a great personal
challenge.

If you show clearly to people what they will gain by changing in their
everyday life : easier debugging, lesser cost, easier deployment, less hassle,
etc , they will like you. You also need to tailor your discourse to your
audience, the boss is likely not interested by the same thing than a
developer. Also keep in mind that even if your new framework is the best
technology ever, it does not mean that it will convince people. Convincing
people to change is almost orthogonal to the technical merit of the solution.

Your job sounds pretty interesting! You might only be missing a few
concepts/skills (or you are working with very grumpy people which is also
possible) For what's it worth, I am also trying to introduce new
tools/technology in my bigCo SW team. It does not feel as bad as what you are
describing, but I have the distinct feeling that I am sometimes considered as
the crazy annoying guy (for trying to introduce things that have been
mainstream for 10 years... whatever)

PS : Sorry for my spelling/grammar, I have only slept a few hours last night
because of my newborn son. So it is likely worse than usual.

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clueless123
If this is your first one, .1 seconds after you see that baby for the first
time, your brain will dump your current frame of mind and upload a completely
new version with multiple changes on priorities, motivation, elements that
provide happiness etc etc..

If I where in your place, for now I would hang on what I have, until the baby
is here and the dust settles (give it ~ 4 months). After that I would let the
"new me" re-evaluate the situation.

~~~
collyw
Not having any children myself, I saw this in my group leader back in January.
Before hand he always focused on pedantic small bugs (spelling mistakes,
colors not being quite correct) when there were (and still are) far bigger
issues. (I am a one man team. I need to use the 80 / 20 rule to prioritize
work).

He had a kid, and now seems to only mention relevant bugs. No more trivial
crap, which gives me more time to focus on the important things like the data
being correct.

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caw
Welcome to office politics at bigco! You're upheaving the existing processes
and people don't like that. You have to remember that the trade-off for
working at a big company is larger scope projects, higher pay, more upward
momentum in exchange for working fewer hours, dealing with more bureaucracy,
and having a more limited scope role. Most of the people you work with really
want 40 hours a week, and you will really want 40 hours a week in 7 months. I
can't tell from your original post if you're working 60 or 40 and just being
more efficient. If it's the former, stop now. Go home at 5pm, have a beer,
enjoy life, and try to repair some of the relationships with your coworkers
before they turn into backstabbing assholes. If it's the latter, you might
want to slow down the rate of change, or at least change the way your
coworkers do their jobs. Change how you work. If you need to change how
everyone else works, get buy-off from other people before you impose.
Sometimes you need to impose changes, but that burns political capital and
goodwill until they can see it's better. (Note, if it's not better, this
obviously means you'll never regain the expended social capital)

With the exception of your coworkers begrudging your work output, are they
still generally cool & interesting people that you can learn from and get
along with? Then you should really consider staying.

As far as challenging work, you're what, 3 months into the new job? Depending
on your boss, he could be holding back some cards so you get a slow exposure
to the company. I'd highly suggest talking to him and reconcile what you
thought the position was versus what you perceive it is now. He's obviously
impressed with you now, so you'll have much more slack to do what you want.

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kohanz
I was in a similar situation recently. Was at my job for just over a year.
Came in, noticed development practices were lagging (and this is the kindest
term I can use). Tried, with the support of leadership, to bring the team
forward, ever-so slowly, but it only resulted in more backlash. These people
were deeply entrenched, not looking for change, and certainly not from the
younger (early 30's here) newcomer.

I came to loathe coming to work. I'm not at the stage of my career yet where
I'm able to willingly dial down my productivity just to "fit in". On top of
this, my wife was pregnant (much further along than yours).

What did I do? Once the baby arrived and we knew it was healthy, I quit. I've
been freelancing since then and am 10x happier. I make significantly more in
an hourly basis and have much more time to spend with my wife and son. I have
different risk levels from your situation though. I live in Canada (free
healthcare) and in a medium-sized city (relatively low cost of living). I'm
still on good terms with the management team from my old employer (they know
and acknowledge the difficulties I encountered as real barriers; they just
didn't take decisive actions IMHO) and they've told me the job is mine if I
ever want to return.

I know this may not be a realistic option for you, but the overall thing I've
learned through this process is that what may seem like a really big risk at
first glance, becomes apparently much less risky the more you think about it
in a calm and rational manner. If you're good at what you do, and it sounds
like you are, jobs are easy to find.

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artumi-richard
Stay in the job, focus on your family life for the next 12 months. At some
point during that time you'll know exactly what you want to do, and you wont
need to ask advice here.

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partisan
Humans are incredibly dynamic organisms. They can adapt to such a wide range
of circumstances.

You are going to go on a journey in the next few years. The pregnancy is a
step in the journey. Your wife will change physically, emotionally, and
cognitively. You will adjust to that.

When the child arrives, you will suddenly find that you are no longer
responsible for yourself but that there is this other helpless being that
depends on you. You will adapt to that.

You will find that your wife needs you more than ever. It's just one baby, you
might think, but it is a huge burden and she shouldn't have to shoulder it
alone. You will have to put friendships and career aspirations aside
momentarily, but you will adapt to that as well.

Who you are now is a different person than who you will become and so you
shouldn't try to optimize for your life 2 years ahead because it is something
you can't really picture now.

\--

I've been through it (with twins) recently. Let me know if you want someone to
chat with or even just to vent. Both of those are healthy given the stresses
you are facing.

------
arh68
> _People seem to begrudge that I’m bringing my small company pace to the
> team. My boss though, seems pretty satisfied..._

Well if you're just going to be your boss' new secret weapon, and no one else
benefits, it's going to be weird. If your boss is well-liked, you might not
have to do anything. If your boss/work has a tendency to upset people, be
cautious & extra-willing to help out others within the lines. There aren't a
lot of good reasons for other people to not like you. It can be fixed, moved
past.

The best commutes I remember were the ones I listened to audiobooks on. The
Count of Monte Cristo is a good one (though I can't recall the narrator).

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dpeck
Baby thing: I've got a little one just getting into toddler-hood, and let me
tell you having more freedom and being able to leave work at the office is not
something to be discounted during the first while.

Find your technical solace outside of your day job, and on a schedule you
control. Having a kid and being an active part of their life is tough, don't
try to put any more on yourself than you have to for that early period.

------
jason_slack
Do you have any interest in starting your own thing? Perhaps since the pay is
good, you can "leave work at work" and you dont seem like the daily work is
burning you out, could you start a side project of interest and work to grow
that?

