
Ask: My girlfriend is much smarter than I, how do I manage? - DrorY
While I am aware this is not a real hackish or technological question to ask, I gather it's still the right place. 
As I guess that most of hacker news readers are used to be the smartest guys around.<p>I started dating a truly exceptional girl. She's the smartest person I've ever met. 
I am looking for some advice:<p>Have you ever dated a girl that was much smarter than you? 
How did it effect you \ your self esteem? 
Did your connection last? 
Did you feel it was an issue?
If it was an issue did you discus it?<p>Actually any general advice here would be truly appreciated.<p>Thanks
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RollAHardSix
Go see a psychologist. Truly, for just asking this question. Not just for male
superiority but because of some narcissistic tendency that you think you are
supposed to be smarter then her.

I can assure you that no matter how smart you think you are, women will always
be smarter then you; especially if it's an argument.

You're not even giving us a baseline of what 'smarts' is in your definition.
I've dated women who were seemingly less intelligent and yet had more street-
smarts and social-intelligence then I could ever hope to have. Intelligence
isn't just being able to do fancy math with long equations. If you needed to
fix your car and she knew how to do it and you were clueless, then she'd be
smarter then you. Everyone has strengths, everyone has weaknesses. This isn't
exactly ground-breaking information either (or really shouldn't be).

~~~
DrorY
well I answered runjake question with my definition of smarts.
<http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=4502503>

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impendia
I am jealous as hell. :)

To answer your question, the most useful two pieces of advice I've received
are:

(1) _Your attention is enough_. Just be interested in her, pay attention to
her, enjoy the experience.

(2) _Don't be afraid of rejection_. Will she dump you? Sure, it's possible.
I've been dumped before. But if so it likely won't be because you made a
mistake. Don't try to predict what will happen, just go for it. If things
grow, great, if they don't, you'll still be glad you had the experience.

------
adrianhoward
I'd say my partner is smarter than I am (in many ways anyway). She's managed
to put up with me for... gosh... nearly eighteen years now. So I'd count that
as a win :-)

Personally I love being around people who are smarter than I am in one area or
another. You never make progress in life if you don't challenge yourself. K
challenges me all the time. It's a good thing.

Why would it be a problem?

(In fact have some general advice - not relationship advice. If you are "used
to be the smartest guys around" - then change your location. You are
statistically unlikely to be the smartest person on the planet. If you're not
hanging around with people you find as smart or smarter on one dimension or
another then that may have more to do with where you feel comfortable. You
don't get better by staying somewhere where you're already on top.)

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acesubido
Being "smart" is relative. In what area is she smart? There are many types of
intelligence. MMA fighters or Bikers are physically smart, musicians are smart
in terms of auditory senses and so and so forth.

In a relationship, as applies to any other aspect in life, we have our roles
to play. One major pitfall is to compare each other and make up for your
weakness instead of focusing and honing your strengths.

Assuming you have a healthy relationship, her being "smart" doesn't mean
anything and should not affect you in any way. She will ultimately depend on
you leading her in the relationship. She will depend on you to stand up for
her when she feels bad. She delights in you when you share your stories. She
feels comfortable when you listen to her even if you don't understand what she
is saying.

Be a man for her.

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Paul_S
The frankness of the question caught me by surprise. I don't think I can help
you though as I'm not one of those poeple you mention. There's tons of better
programmers around the office and most of them are my friends so I'm quite at
home with not being the smartest person on the planet. There's more to life
than solving problems, as long as you enjoy your time together who cares.

It bothers me though when people try to invent different types of intellect as
some sort of consolation prize. Accept that people are different, life's too
short to be comparing penis sizes all your life.

~~~
UnoriginalGuy
> It bothers me though when people try to invent different types of intellect
> as some sort of consolation prize. Accept that people are different, life's
> too short to be comparing penis sizes all your life.

Doesn't your first sentence contradict your second one? Or at least the spirit
of the two seems contradictory.

The multiple intelligence theory is fairly popular and to be fair it is fairly
decent too. As you yourself said people are different and they have different
skills.

Intelligence or "smarts" are just vague terms without concrete meanings. It is
only in recent times that we decided to measure them using either general
knowledge ("gameshow trivia") or mathematical skill.

But for most of human history I bet the most celebrated person in the village
would be measured using other yard sticks (e.g. hunting, fighting, running
speed, maybe even engineering/inventing) none of which we value at all today.

------
CyberFonic
She isn't that smart if she is dating a jerk with self-esteem issues!

You still reading? Great! Some of the greatest scientists in their mature
years acknowledged that there was far more which they didn't know than what
they did. Being smart is more about learning and growing as a human being. Not
just winning some variant of Trivial Pursuit.

Maybe this could become a stretch goal for both of you. Best wishes for a
terrific shared adventure.

~~~
DrorY
I appreciate this wake up call. I don't think I have problems accepting
criticism and I think I deserve it here.

------
junto
My ex was much smarter than me. Top of her computer science class as a woman
was no mean feat with one of the highest overall grades in the department's
history. Jumped straight from B.Sc to Ph.D, skipping the usual masters
expectation/requirement (UK). She has a couple of papers published concerning
language processing.

We got on well and she helped me through a dreary computer science bachelors
course, for which I am very grateful. We went our separate ways afterwards for
a variety of reasons (all non-related to the fact that she was smarter than I
was).

Though incredibly smart, she had her own failings. We all have.

If you have a self-esteem problem with your girlfriend being smarter than you,
then that is your problem. Self-esteem: the key is in the word 'self'. Put
another way, if you were smarter than her, do you think that would be a
problem for her?

Look to find areas where you can complement your girlfriend. You'll soon
realize you have talents where she doesn't and vice versa. Embrace them and
her!

------
mortdeus
My advice in life is not to worry about intelligence when it comes to love.
Everyone is capable of learning beyond there current capacity and no knowledge
is unobtainable or incomprehensible if you have the motivation to learn.
Intelligence only affects the time it takes to comprehend an idea and perhaps
even extend that idea into innovation. People all have their things they are
intelligent at.

What you need to do is examine the qualities about you that makes her
attracted to you. If shes a smart girl and she knows what she personally wants
out of a relationship dont let your self esteem ruin that because you assume
she is looking for a rocket scientist boyfriend. Chances are she has dated
smart guys and believe it or not. Smart guys tend to be just as egotistical
and insecure as anybody else even if they have everything going for them.
(attractive, good job, big house, ect). The thing about smart guys like this,
is that they like to feel like they are the smartest thing that walked into
the room and that their opinions and theories are the one and only true way of
processing information. They would feel threatened by the woman and try to
make himself better than her, usually by manipulating her self esteem.

This does happen more often then we would like to admit and women in today's
age, especially a smart one just wants to be recognized for the
characteristics that define her. You are already showing a quality she
probably values in you by identifying the fact that she is intelligent and
that is a value worth appreciating in a woman.

Which I must say, speaks alot for your own intelligence and sense of maturity.
Just listen to what she says because intelligent people love to share the
things they know and be asked questions. Discussions and perhaps even a little
debating. (have to be careful that you debate and not argue, know what you are
talking about :P).

Dont stress the details when it comes to romance. Just love every minute of it
and focus on providing for your partners emotional needs and always encourage
them to improve themselves in life. Thats what makes a successful long lasting
relationship, not this notion of being the "alpha" male that society likes to
sell us on. Sure there are woman like that in the world. But they tend to be
the kind who ends up valuing the opinions on the Jersey Shore as apposed to
the opinions held by leading research scientists in the world. :P

------
AntoPaz
I had a really exceptional girlfriend (extremely smart, successful and
beautiful) - and married her. In general you should see it as a success. Most
people only date the next-best-fit, you found someone you admire. Ask her what
she admires/ loves in you and you'll surely find out some truly exceptional
facts about yourself to soothe your self-esteem.

~~~
CyberFonic
Congrats! Your comment suggests, and I concur, that you could find out what
she finds attractive about you and then making sure that you don't drop the
ball on that and related areas. You need to remember that beauty
(handsomeness) is in the eyes of the beholder. Sustaining some shared
interests is also very important.

------
UnoriginalGuy
How are you even measuring "smarts?" This seems like more of a personal
problem in terms of your perception than a real problem that needs "solving."

As long as the two of you are roughly on the same "level" in that you can have
a decent two-way discussion about things you are both interested in; I cannot
see how this would ever be an issue.

Also, your self-esteem takes a knock every time you meet someone you deem
"smarter?" If that's true then you will struggle to ever reach your potential
as you will likely either run-away or get depressed whenever you near your
limits.

So I guess what I am saying is: This is an entirely a personal problem. You
have created this problem in your head and that is the only place it can be
solved. If meeting smarter people, including dating them, really impacts you
this badly then you seriously need to work on that (maybe grab a self-help
book or go talk to a professional).

I think this problem is far bigger than this one instance or dating...

~~~
DrorY
I don't have a problem working with people who are smarter than me. I work
with them quite often actually. The problem is when it comes to an intimate
relationship. I actually do not think we are on the same level. I think that
my level is quite alright, but she very much tops it.

------
gadders
I believe I read an article in a newspaper once where they tracked married
couples with differing IQs over time.

Where the male was the smarter partner, the woman's IQ increased.

Where the female was the smarter partner, the woman's IQ decreased.

I guess the consolation from this is it may become a less acute problem over
time :-)

~~~
DrorY
this is genius. Do you a link to the article perhaps?

~~~
gadders
I've tried, but my google-fu is weak today. It was from a good few years back
(i.e. 5 or so).

------
contumace
You would certainly prefer to be the smartest. Do you feel threatened ?

~~~
DrorY
It feels threatening knowing that your partner is always right, and thereby
when you argue makes you always (mostly) wrong.

It also feels threatening knowing that she's capable of doing whatever it is
you're doing just better.

~~~
hasenj
Are you intimidated by her?

Are you sure she's smarter? Maybe she's just more assertive and/or forceful?

~~~
DrorY
at times I do get intimidated

------
cheshirecat
If she doesn't care, why should you? Learn from her and be exceptional as
well. Be confident. She wouldn't date you if she had not found something
special in you.

------
mooism2
Do _you_ feel that it is a problem?

Would it be a problem if you had a platonic friend (of either gender) who was
much smarter than you?

~~~
DrorY
no, it wouldn't. I don't feel it's a problem now, as I feel enough self value
in what I am doing. I fear it might evolve into a problem if at some point
along the road I won't feel that satisfaction in whatever it is I am doing

------
jonah
Continue to grow, learn and progress. Don't get stuck, keep moving forward. Be
worthy of respect.

------
grkovalev
oh, really ? you was think you're smarter every people if him not be engineer?
or women? Many people are smarter you or me and it not surprise and it
normally, dont worry, enjoy...

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jacknews
doesn't matter who's smarter. who's dominant? I think studies have shown that
relationships where the woman is the dominant pare unfulfilling for both
partners, in general.

~~~
DrorY
Well I don't think that any of us is very dominant. We don't have dominant
personalities either.

I do know that when we debate she's very dominant as she always seems to
better know or understand the issue than me.

------
runjake
Define "smarter".

~~~
DrorY
She's capable of studying any new topic much faster than I. Even topic that
she has no experience in and I have been working on for several years. She's
doing an MD in Medicine and a bsc in computer science simultaneously. She's
also a Marathon runner and a quite successful artist.

~~~
runjake
So, more focused and motivated, then?

~~~
DrorY
I am not sure she's more motivated than I. Perhaps she got better abilities to
focus on tasks. She's truly an exceptional person with an exceptional range of
abilities.

------
SorelMihai
How do you define "smart"? Is your girlfriend simply just a better person than
you are or she's just more intelligent?

Intelligence is usually something you inherit or you get as a gift, when
you're born. Being smart or stupid works the same with being short or tall.
Not exactly something that you can change.

It's stupid to judge ourselves or other people by these premises. It's smart
to judge people by the way work with these premises. You can be very
intelligent and endup doing a lot of bad things or you can be stupid as hell
but do good and add real value to the world.

So don't bother yourself anymore. Love her, don't lie to hear, fuck her well
and make her laugh. You'll be just fine.

------
gexla
She is your girlfriend? Or you just started dating her? Which is it? ;)

For all your dating questions, go search for "Doc Love" at Ask Men. He writes
articles there and they are gold for dating advice. This man is a wizard.
Don't take advice from anyone else. Thank me later.

Appearances are everything. Don't worry about being smart, rather, shoot for
appearing smart.

One of the most powerful ways to appear smart is to be able to communicate
well with good grammar and writing. I see that you could use a lot of
improvement in those areas, so that's where I would start.

Learn the difference between the usage of "affect" and "effect" (don't let
your bad grammar _affect_ your self esteem. ) Learn the difference between the
usage of "who" and "that" (the girl _who_ you are dating is better than the
girl _that_ your friend is dating.)

[http://english.stackexchange.com/questions/11204/how-to-
use-...](http://english.stackexchange.com/questions/11204/how-to-use-who-that)

Go look at just about any list of "top ten skills" and communication and good
writing skills are probably on that list.

Do a search for grammar resources and spend time each day reading through
these resources. Also spend time writing every day.

Good luck!

~~~
UnoriginalGuy
You cannot be serious about the "Doc Love" dude on Ask Men? That guy just
repeats generic platitudes and repeats nonsense from various dating books. I'm
fairly sure he is who the "Barney" character on How I Met Your Mother is
based.

Reading that site was fun when I was a young guy but as you grow older it
becomes very apparent that it is just the blind leading the blind. The entire
site is just a giant advertising board pretending to be a magazine.

Purely in terms of dating advice I actually find female commentators better
simply because their readership expects more.

~~~
gexla
I disagree, but you didn't give me enough to argue against. However, I stopped
reading his articles years ago. Maybe his articles have gone downhill since I
last visited the site.

