
Winner of The Attention Contest - dan_sim
http://dilbert.com/blog/entry/winner_of_the_attention_contest/
======
minus1
I might be odd, but what I find more interesting than the short article itself
is comparing the Scott Adams edited version to the original. I'm a rather poor
writer, so this is a concrete example of how to improve.

The original (Search for 'Lukeout'):
[http://www.dilbert.com/blog/entry/the_attention_contest/?Cmt...](http://www.dilbert.com/blog/entry/the_attention_contest/?CmtOrder=Rating&CmtDir=DESC&x=31&y=17)

~~~
mcav
Here's a diff between the old and new versions:

<http://drp.ly/13YD4B>

~~~
xiaoma
That's a fantastic link. I just spent ten minutes reading through each version
and checking for how Scott Adams reorganized the story. What program did you
use to generate that view?

While looking at the diff, some of the edits struck me as overly formal - such
as the hyphen, the elimination of the preposition at the end of a sentence and
especially the use of the word "whom". I didn't notice a single one of those
things while reading it in the article, though. It just flowed nicely.

~~~
JoeAltmaier
I find the addition of the final sentence to be pretty bold. It was entirely
fabricated by Mr Adams.

~~~
anigbrowl
I don't, but then I have worked as a copy editor :)

The words were added by him, but functionally it sums up the point of the
story extremely well: we associate art with creativity and inspiration, but
leveraging that requires both teamwork and the confidence to trust your
teammates. Many otherwise talented people fail in this area; I have, at times.

The version which ended with him saying he answers the phone with similar
enthusiasm is not bad, but rather than concluding it just stops; the suspended
quality is the equivalent of the awkward conversational pause where someone
tells you a story and you're not quite sure if they've finished or not. If you
read/hear the story as originally written, it's like a a rough canvas in a
cluttered artist's studio: pretty, but increasingly hard to recall in detail
as time goes by.

A strong conclusion emphasizes the underlying point and provides a contextual
frame for the work, setting it apart from what surrounds it. Notice how the
author's 'punchline' on 28/29 was 'made the phone call, changed my life' and
he concludes by saying that his friend/mentor died, but keeps him motivated.
Adams keeps it on the emotional level, moving from elation/triumph to wistful
maturity, giving the advice (to make that call) far more impact: the closing
sentence does not reinforce _how_ he got the job - which is the substance and
satisfaction of the story - but wonderfully articulates _why_ he got it:
because the artist was wise enough to learn from his audience. I could go on
at length about how many levels this sentence works on, but its very best
aspect is that it would work _just as well_ as an intro to the story:

    
    
      - Oh look at (impressive work), creator is/you are so awesome.
      - Yep - but there's more to (field of endeavor) than what you see here. Let me tell you a story about a guy named Keith...
    

Of course the story is not about Keith, per se; it's about the complex
relationship between fear and ego, and how giving up control can be so much
more fruitful than jealously defending one's territory. This is what makes it
a much more compelling nugget than, say, another tale of making nine cold
calls to reach that one customer. The latter is like a story which seems
genuinely amusing, but 'you had to be there'. The well-framed story is like
the professional comedian's version that everyone can appreciate - 'it's funny
because it's true.'

This offers a technique that can be used in many, many contexts, from
motivating yourself to communicating with your customers. Ask yourself: what
is the point of what I am trying to do here? What is my basic agenda? In
short, answer the basic question of _why (do you/should I care)?_ Write that
down: whatever you're doing, it's basically your 'mission statement'. Answer
that, and the questions of _how_ becomes much easier to articulate and to
answer. When you're done, cut the beginning, and rewrite into a firm
conclusion. Instead of requesting attention and then struggling to pay for it,
stimulate curiosity and then supply a satisfying resolution. By doing so, you
become a provider rather than a petitioner and create value for your audience
instead of placing demands upon them.

It's astonishing how effectively this simple technique can improve your
writing, and by extension, your thinking. An editor's role is to shape a
narrative into a story.

------
tjmaxal
I remember in high school I had a teacher who taught us the hierarchy of
communication. In person is first, by phone is second and written is third.
This is because more of the message is transmitted in person ie you get
words,voice and body language, with the phone you only get words and voice and
with the written word you only get the words themselves. To this day if I have
something important to say I do my best to say it in person or on the phone.
Too often in a world of e-mail, texting, and twitter we assume we are being
heard clearly through words alone, but for the really important stuff nothing
beats face to face communication.

~~~
JoeAltmaier
I mistyped a single letter in an email and offended a coworker for life. He
was on the road; I was in the office. I argued persuasively about a difference
in design, ending with "When you get it, we can talk some more". I had
intended to say "When you get in, we can talk some more".

~~~
apphacker
Can't you just tell him that it was a typo?

~~~
JoeAltmaier
Found out far too late. By that time it would seem like a lame excuse. Live
and learn.

~~~
jemfinch
Sounds like it was your coworker's communication skills that were lacking, not
yours.

