

Ask HN: Feeling Lonely - thorw

I have been feeling pretty lonely for the last couple of weeks. My job is contract python work so I stay home all day. I don't really have close friends. The last time I went out with friends was weeks ago. I barely have any communication with others online. I always seem to never have anything to talk about and have trouble keeping a conversation flowing.<p>I am getting worse at being motivated to do any work, so simple tasks take hours to do. I used to love programming on personal projects but the last time I worked on a personal project was nearly a month ago.<p>I am 20 and still live with my parents but don't talk to them much, they are restrictive parents. I am a college student on a long holiday.<p>So, I am not in a super depressing position, but I am not having that much fun either. I would like to be more social to not feel lonely.
======
djt
Sounds like you're in a rut and burnt out. If you get to the stage that you're
experiencing extreme apathy or dark thoughts then definitely call a help line
and get some free counseling.

Assuming that you're not depressed but just in a rut here are some things that
work for me but your mileage may vary:

\- go outside. Go for a walk or a hike in nature.

\- invite friends over and cook them dinner. While youre cooking as them about
their lives and how they are going. Be interested in how they really are. Once
you do that, communication will start flowing.

\- block your work up. You could try the Pomodoro technique etc. take blocks
of time to relax too.

\- get some exercise.

\- ask your parents about what it was like growing up for them. You may get a
deeper understanding of why they are restrictive.

\- get your friend to set you up on a blind date.

\- write a page of free form stream of conscious every morning for a week.
First thing when you get up. At the end of the week read them.

Good luck buddy

------
anderspetersson
Work from a café.

When I feel that I'm getting bored of coding all day I go to a local Café with
my laptop and using my smartphones 3G connection shared on wifi to the laptop.
Works great for looking up docs and googling a question if the Cafe dsn't have
free Wifi. I'm working from a cafe 2 times a week about 3 hours each time.

\----

Go to the Gym, even if it's not your thing.

When I started going to the gym i definitely felt lost, the big guy where
lifting way more than me and I wasn't very sure what exercises I should do.
But just going to the gym, doing some basic exercises and looking at others in
the gym thought me a lot and now I really like it. It does also have benefits
such as feeling better afterwards and making you look more attractive, which
is a huge boost for your self-estime.

\----

Help others.

Jump on IRC or the mailing-list for your niche and help others when you feel
you want to do other things other than work. This not only gives you the
pleasure of helping others with your skills, it's also a great place to find
gigs.

\----

Contribute to an opensource project.

Find an open-source project that you are using and understands how it works,
look up what reported issues the project have and try to solve them. If you
can't find a solution for any of the issues start with the documentation,
every project needs better documentation and it's not a very hard task to
write if you understand how the code works. The benefits are same as helping
others really.

------
michaelkscott
If you have a car, drive to a different coffee shop or café everyday (like
Starbucks, Barnes and Noble, Peet's, whatever) and work from there. Spend a
few hours there and in the process, try to meet some new people. Talk to them
about anything and I guarantee you'll find some way to connect.

In the weekends, there are lots of places (especially if you live in a
decently populated city) where people go to to spend time with other people.
If you find one of these places (just google it, basically), there's almost
always musicians (e.g. Jazz Saxophonists) playing some laid-back music, and
tons of people having a great time. Merely being present in a place like that
is enough to make you not feel lonely. Your situation might differ but I doubt
it would hurt to try these and some of the other ideas other HNers presented.

------
SworDsy
Don't feel bad about not being able to make small talk, like everything its
not for everyone. I can't honestly maintain it either. Social skills are what
they seem to be; skills. Like other skills they take time and effort to
develop, but if you work and stay committed to them and the people you like it
will pay off. I think finding a casual/social hobby is a good idea (like the
other guy said) too. All of my close friendships are based on a common
insterest that we can discuss or do together. Taking an interest in people is
key too, not to be confused with seeming to take an interest. People
appreciate your legitimate appreciation of them, and they know when you've
made them a real priority or when you make real sacrofices for them. Whatever
happens don't give up. I've been at the point multiple times when I literally
had 1 friend, who wasn't very close to me, and trust me you can always come
back if you stay positive and actually like people. Be happy, its worth the
effort, and because you CAN do it!

------
cliffcrosland
If you are religiously inclined, joining a church/synagogue can have a
profound effect on your social life. I met my fiancee at church, and some of
my deepest friendships are with people from my congregation. Also, you'll meet
people with interests and backgrounds that are much different from your own,
which I find enriching.

------
yolesaber
All of the suggestions in the thread are great. I have been in a similar
position to you and I can say from experience that working in a public place
really helped alleviate the pangs of loneliness. I even made a friend because
I brought a book along with me to the coffee shop and it happened to be her
favorite author (Thomas Pynchon for those curious).

The key is to step away from the computer and realize that it isn't what life
is all about. There is so much beauty and wonder in the world that simply
cannot be replicated on a screen.

P.s. If you want someone to talk to about Python or books or the future or
girls or boys or dreams, please send me an email. I too am working a remote
Python job from home on a long winter break so some company would be
appreciated! If you are around NYC I'd even grab a coffee or something.

------
ghc
Working from home is lonely; that's just the way it is. Motivation can be
easier to come by if you find somewhere else to work sometimes, like a library
or cafe. When I was at my greatest depths of despair from living in a new city
with no nearby friends and working long hours from home, I found that I could
escape if I started attending events in the local entrepreneur community. Just
do something...anything to get away from working at home with nobody around.
Even a little interaction goes a long way, and being good at conversation
takes practice.

I would also suggest surrounding yourself with as much outdoor greenery as you
can (time of year permitting). It's really therapeutic.

~~~
thorw
Thank you. I have been wanting to work outside for a while but never got
around to it and didn't really know where I would go but I guess almost
anywhere is better then my room.

------
fonefrenzy
Since you are into programming, have you ever considered finding a local
hacker lab to attend and meet new people with like interests?

[https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-
instant&rlz...](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-
instant&rlz=1C1CHFX_enUS438US438&ion=1&ie=UTF-8#hl=en&tbo=d&rlz=1C1CHFX_enUS438US438&output=search&sclient=psy-
ab&q=jack%20lab%20meetups&oq=&gs_l=&pbx=1&qscrl=1&fp=99bbb1d5e9938d35&ion=1&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_qf.&bvm=bv.41229759,d.cGE&biw=1280&bih=620)

If there aren't any in your area, start your own meet up. You can do it at a
local coffee shop and take it from there. I am sure you are not the only one
in your situation. Give a try!

I was in a similar situation and I found a local group. Best decision I ever
made. Got to hang out with people, have lunch, dinner drinks and made a lot of
new friends and potential business partners. Good luck!

------
vineet
I was feeling very similarly recently and have been trying to get out of the
rut. I found user groups to actually be very helpful. Are there any around
you? (Where do you live?)

I actually just posted my experience on this here:
<http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=5066944>

------
prestonbriggs
The current answers seem good, but I wonder why you work? Or perhaps: why work
so much?

You're pretty young and your parents are supporting you, at least providing
housing, which is pretty nice. I'd tackle some of those personal projects you
enjoy, and travel (at the very least, explore your own city), and learn to do
some new stuff (learn Latin and read Cicero, practice a musical instrument,
learn how to bind books, build a tube amplifier, other stuff we never have
time to do 'cause working for rent/mortgage gets in the way). Go to the
library (w/o a laptop) and sit and read, a lot.

I so wish I were young again...

And yeah, talk to your parents, being sure to let them do lots of the talking.

------
ceedub
Great suggestions by djt.

I found myself in a similar space a few years back and these are the three
things that brought me out of my rut:

1-I joined a martial arts club. The Aikido community is generally a welcoming
group and most dojos have classes 5 - 7 days a week. 2-Wrote brief entries in
a journal. 3-Sought out cultural experiences/events that I wouldn't normally
attend. Oh and 4-, actually, outside time. Even in the winter. Even a 15
minute walk. The ol' gray matter really likes to hit the trails, or even the
pavement.

Just make one change to your routine today and that sense of your own agency
can build momentum.

~~~
wallzz
it has been 4 months since I applied this, joined a Karate club , writing my
experience on an anonymous blog ,go meeting new people ,I start learning
languages and I got many certificates,but at the end it still don't work for
me , I'm in a great despair , I still feel empty inside ,I simply don't enjoy
life anymore,since going out is not really working (I think its a waste of
time) I spend all the days at home working(programming) or playing video
games, my relations with people is still not very deep , I call some friends
ones a week and we meet for 2 or 3 hours , still don't enjoy going out with
them . by the way I'm not depressed , I was depressed in the past years , but
the doctor says that I'm fine now , may be when he tries it , it would work
for him who knows .

------
ky3
Let me second the suggestion to go outdoors and explore nature. Hiking's good.
If you're north enough, and if you haven't already, take up x-country skiing.
Lessons from a good instructor are awesome!

An instant mood makeover is to perform a good deed. Just because you can.
Examples: Feed some pigeons. Free a rabbit caught in a snare. Drop by the
local SPCA to pet some animals. And see if they could use a pair of hands for
the day.

 _I don't really have close friends._

A close friend is like a priceless jewel. Guard 'em with your life.

------
RaspyRoe
Exercise is always great. Expand your knowledge in other ways. Try acting in
some amateur theater or go to cooking lessons. It is always good to meet other
people who are interested in other stuff. Learn juggling. And if the situation
is really hard and no one is around, this works often for me.
<http://750words.com/> and the simple analysis it gives on the end feels like
an awesome private conversation.

------
orangethirty
Oh man, I also work from home and sometimes do feel lonely. So hey, shoot me
an email (on profile) and we can talk about whatever. But dont worry. Shit
like this happens to a _lot_ of people and it will get better. I'm also a
python guy , by the way. Get in touch!

------
tluyben2
Best thing I have found during times like that is going to a gym every day for
a while (keeping it up after that is even better). You meet people, get out of
the house, get stronger/healthier, feel better in general.

------
bodegajed
I would suggest to go get some exercise, getting active and listening to good
music gets the negative energy out of your body. If you're lonely at home chat
with the guys in irc #startups.

------
webbruce
Yeah definitely take a week or so break. Get on a meetup from meetup.com and
talk to others.

~~~
Crake
Seconding this! Meetup.com has been great for me. I've met some really cool
people there. It doesn't have to be programming related, even. There are many
different activities, so perhaps you could find a hobby that gives you a break
from programming so you can go back to it with a fresh mind (biking, chess,
atheist or religious groups, etc).

I hope you feel better soon.

~~~
thorw
I just found some nice looking meetups that I would be interested in going to.
What's it like just showing up to one?

~~~
Crake
A little awkward, but not too bad, even for an extremely introverted person
like myself. Chances are the people who are there already were at one point in
your shoes when they first attended. If you're nervous you can always post
to/comment on some of the group's stuff, so that when you arrive you can be
like "hi, I am username so-and-so" and they will be like, "oh, yeah! I saw
your comment..." and so on. Not all groups are great, but my experience has
overall been quite positive.

Also, it's pretty commonly understood that the site exists so that like minded
people can find each other when they otherwise likely wouldn't have crossed
paths, so it's a great way to make new friends (and/or social networks). If
you still have some anxiety, I would suggest contacting the group admin and
saying you're interested but a bit nervous about going to the first meeting.
It does take a small amount of money each year to host the group, so the
people in charge of it usually care enough to try to make people feel
comfortable enough to come and keep coming. (I have a friend who runs a small
meetup group for writers, and he's always extremely super thrilled when new
people come out to it.)

------
xijuan
I also work from home. I think the best way to stay social even working at
home is to have internet chatting with friends!! I usually chat with two or
three people while working at home. If you want, you can add me on gtalk.

------
gcmartinelli
get a hobby where there is some kind of socialization. R/C flying/racing and
amateur astronomy are some nice ones that come to mind right now... you could
also find a hackerspace in your city.

------
liweinan0423
I think you should find a girlfriend. She will 'start your engine'

~~~
simongiles
Please don't assume heterosexuality.

When I'm in a rut I grab a notepad, go for a walk and only let myself return
after writing down 5 observations.

------
Buzaga
Go work in a public library or café(I prefer library), it`s good because you
see people, move around and also get work done.

Besides that, you have to socialize, it`s absolutely imperative to escape
depression, not decay your(apparently already low) social skills. Also, don't
you communicate with your work friends?

Start an activity like a sport, dancing, painting, whatever, you'll meet new
people doing this.

Working remotely is a great thing but you gotta enjoy it's advantages or this
sort of stuff will bite you. When I did remote work I went through the same
stuff, now I'm working "normal" and I feel it's my fault that I didn't enjoy
it as I could and I wished I'd work remotely again.

