
Saying Goodbye to a Sister - felipebueno
http://brianbailey.me/saying-goodbye-to-a-sister/
======
sgpl
Losing someone close is really hard. I am not good at eulogies, but I lost my
grandfather to cancer earlier this year and for some reason I wasn't able to
function at all for the coming few weeks. I grew up in a joint family and he
was a constant positive presence in my life growing up; but after moving away
for school/college, I hadn't had much real-life interaction with him except
for phone calls/holidays. As a recent college graduate, who was a few weeks
into a new entry level job, I had to take a break because this was the single
most depressing period in my life. I had never experienced death of a close
relative or friend before this, and for some reason I never thought death
could be that painful. I had imagining it akin to a really bad breakup, but it
was much uglier and painful.

I think the single worst thing is coming to the realization that they are just
gone. I can never again hug him, hear his him laughing, talk to him about the
n number of awesome shared experiences, or just enjoy another moment with him.

I still haven't fully dealt with this as I am not sure there is a protocol for
dealing with such events except picking yourself up and keeping your mind
engaged other stuff till you don't feel that much grief. I guess another
approach is to push grief into the background and celebrate the life lived.
Good luck to the OP dealing with this loss.

~~~
eddieroger
I know this pain, and mine comes from a similar place. My grandma lived with
my family for my entire life, and she was always there for me, sometimes
before my parents. I didn't call her as frequently as I would have liked
during college (or my parents, for that matter), but I have atoned for those
sins, and got better as I finished school and started my adult, not-living-at-
home life. After her first heart attack, I called her twice a day until she
was home, then nightly since, with rare exception. We were both the night owls
of the family, so talking to her was how I ended my day. She passed just over
a year ago, and I still get overwhelmingly sad when I consider that every day
is one longer than the the longest since I've talked to her. Saying I miss my
grandma puts it in too easy a light. I keep an alarm set on my phone for the
time of the night when I would call her. It's not the same, obviously, but
it's a little time set aside to think of her.

I honestly don't know how to deal with it, either. I think being 29 before
losing your first really close loved one is a double-edged sword. On the one
hand, I got nearly 30 years with my grandma - time I wouldn't trade for
anything. On the other hand, I'm a grown man who can't deal with death. I
think you're right - a big part of it is just continuing to move forward.
Because, like it or not, the world doesn't stop spinning, even though it feels
like it just did. One last anecdote - when we knew grandma was in the hospital
and probably never leaving, I went to pick up my cousins and take them to say
goodbye. We stopped to get some flowers, and I remember looking at everyone at
the store and thinking how could normal the rest of the world felt, whereas I
felt like my world was ending. Alas, it doesn't. Sometimes you cry. Sometimes
you laugh. But you never stop.

------
herdrick
Quick tips:

\- You should choose when and where to talk about her and her death. See,
people who know you will want to know how you are doing and how it all
happened, or why you are not yourself lately. Or you hear from someone who
doesn't know about your sister who says, "What's up with you these days".
You'll feel like you have to tell them, including how you are doing with it.
But you don't have to tell them. "I don't want to talk about that" is a
perfectly good response. Pick and choose when to talk about it or you are
allowing anyone you interact with the power to send you into a tailspin.

\- People will want to show empathy with you by telling you about the time
they went through what they think was something similar. And yes, when the
loss is similar, it can be a source of much increased mutual understanding and
friendship with him/her. But usually it's more like, 'My grandmother died at
age 87 so I know what you are feeling'. As you know, they do not (usually).
They are just inexperienced in life. They mean well though. Again, I'd
recommend "I don't want to talk about it". Feel free to interrupt early in
their story.

------
goldfeld
I've always wished I had had a sister. Most times I picture her younger, but
Brian makes me reconsider. I wish I had had a sister like Brian's, and my best
wishes go to him and family, this was a powerful piece and like a good movie
it made me feel a part of it. Laura is exactly the name I have always wanted
for my first daughter. I wonder if she'll cry on my shoulder when boys break
her heart.

Relevant song[1], from the Flaming Lips' The Soft Bulletin album cited exactly
here on HN on a previous thread for an article regarding the loss of a father.
Coincidentally it was at the time my dad had a motorcycle accident of which
he's still recovering. The feeling of being close to loss was real, and this
song, and album, is now loaded with feeling for me.

[1] <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzU6vinZwhc>

------
marvwhere
first of all: i am so so so so sorry for you!!!

i have a older sister, and i guess i love her more then my parents, it would
be the worth if she was gone. we are separated by five years, and we both in
totally different things, but there is this connection between brothers and
sisters which are stronger then everything else.

but there is a bad part about my comment, and that was more the intention i
make this comment, and i already know i will get a lot of down votes, but:
what the fuck has this do to on "HACKER NEWS"? it's not against you
personally, but in the last weeks a lot of personal storys filling this page
more and more, and i do not like this trend. i'm very ver sorry for this part
of my comment! but it is bothering me since weeks.

but in the end i want to say again: i'm sorry for you i have a kind of an idea
what it feels like, after my grandma past away 3 years ago.

~~~
smoyer
It doesn't appear that Brian Bailey actually posted this here ... and we do
occasionally support our fellow hackers here.

~~~
felipebueno
You're right. I posted it here because I feel really sorry for Brian and
wanted to share his words.

------
harrygold
I'm really sorry about your sister. Reminds me how "right now" is so
important. I'm going to call my sister to say hello.

------
Filligree
<http://www.nickbostrom.com/fable/dragon.html>

~~~
felipebueno
What is that?

~~~
Filligree
A fairly obvious analogy, I thought.

------
adefa
I also lost a sister very recently. If you ever want to talk, my email is:
trevor (at) strieber (dot) org.

~~~
joering2
Does anyone else see an interesting idea for a start-up here??

~~~
biot
I could see a volunteer, side project. But a startup? Monetization is going to
be rather awkward.

    
    
      "Get support and share with others who have suffered a loss.
       Several plans available to support your level of grief:
    
       * Grief Lite: email one person, FREE! 
    
       * Grief Pro: email and chat with 5 people, $19.95/month
    
       * Grief Enterprise: unlimited email, chat, and phone
         with up to 50 other people: $99.95/month
    
       Developers: REST (in peace) API also available."

~~~
robryan
Could work as a non profit like Watsi, people could donate to keep the site
going if it helps them.

------
psycr
You might find the Meditations of Marcus Aurelius to be helpful in dealing
with the grief and pain of dying, or at least confronting it. They Hays
translation is worth reading: [http://www.amazon.com/Meditations-Translation-
Modern-Library...](http://www.amazon.com/Meditations-Translation-Modern-
Library-ebook/dp/B000FC1JAI)

Good luck.

~~~
incision
I just happened upon this via HN Store [1].

I own several translations and have to recommend "The Emperor's Handbook: A
New Translation of The Meditations" [2] most highly.

1: <http://www.hnstore.co/> 2:
<http://www.amazon.com/dp/0743233832/ref=cm_sw_su_dp>

------
codezero
I was the youngest in my family and my older sister (2 years older) died
suddenly when I was 16. Thanks for sharing this.

I still imagine that I'll bump into her one day, as if she never died and she
had just gone off to college and gone on an adventure. It sucks, but talking
about it, at least for me, does help.

------
89vision
Sorry for your loss. That was a beautiful tribute. I think I'll go spend some
time with my brothers.

------
TWAndrews
I lost my brother almost 3 years ago now. I still think about him every day.

~~~
orangethirty
I lost mine about 4 years ago. So sorry you had to deal with the pain.

~~~
TWAndrews
Likewise. It's not something I'd wish on anyone, though seeing how bad it was
for my parents put my own pain in perspective.

------
lgleason
I lost my sister a little over a year ago from cancer and can relate.

------
KANYEWEST
RIP Laura, God bless her soul. May I ask how she passed?

~~~
cosmotron
The medical expense fundraising site he set up [1] mentions that she "passed
away on March 29, 2013 after living with cancer for more than a year."

[1] [http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/in-memory-of-
lau...](http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/in-memory-of-laura-
bailey/50339)

------
quizotic
Achingly sweet. Thank you for posting.

