

Tradeoffs of marriage. - undecidedM

Hi,<p>(I wanted to ask this question to hackers, and till now never found a proper place to do so. I hope this is not outside the scope of HN, if yes, my apologies.)<p>I am working on a PhD (one year to finish) in experimental physics and it is a great time with lots of opportunities. I have a background in electronic engineering and I have taught myself a good deal about computers.<p>I love to build things, and want to do great work. There are some big challenges that I will be trying to solve. I also get lots of ideas for instrumentation, processes in my work. These are enough to take almost all of my mental space and I try to work on these 12-13 hours each day, everyday. I love working and find it very satisfying (even though failure rate of my experiments is about 75 % or more).<p>I want help in deciding whether I should marry. I am worried if I will be able to give enough time to either my s.o. or to work. My work doesn't put too many demands on how I live (apart from some discipline and healthy living), while marriage does. Marriage will also restrict my choices in career and movement. With kids, my responsibilities outside work will increase further.<p>On the other side, marriage is supposed to bring some fulfillment (companion, kids). I do have a need for company, but it is not too strong, and I have now become habituated of my condition. I am writing this as a 30 yr old person who doesn't have a partner, is an immigrant and can have a partner if he desires so. It may also be good for old age. Choosing not to marry will also invoke very strong response from my family and relationships.<p>If I suffer due to not marrying I can blame myself and others will not face many consequences. With marriage, 2-3 lives will be related strongly to mine, and that is more than I am willing to risk.<p>I would like to have your viewpoints on this.
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bendmorris
Do you have someone specific in mind? IMO, the decision to get married is a
personal one and isn't linked to your career, even though it seems like it.
What's the purpose of life to you? If you feel like marrying someone (after
giving it some deep thought) then aren't they more important than your career
anyway? If marriage is what you want, then yes, you need to spend time with
your significant other, and you might need to tone down the time you spend at
work. Tell people you have a family - they'll understand.

As a married guy, while marriage is technically a restriction, I don't see it
that way at all. It's great having one (or more, when you have kids) other
person to share everything with. You'll look at your career a whole different
way. It's given me a greater level of focus knowing that peoples' lives are
directly affected by my choices. In my experience it's only had a positive
effect.

