
A User Guide To Working With You - achairapart
https://lg.substack.com/p/the-looking-glass-a-user-guide-to
======
jasoncartwright
Not this again. Perhaps this is cultural, but writing such a self-centered
document and then expecting people to read it wouldn't be acceptable in
Europe. At least not in my experience.

Especially weirdly invoking unhelpful & simplistic racial stereotypes like "I
am that archetype of the 'high expectations Asian parent'"

~~~
ReactiveJelly
Pretty weird for me in America too.

A lot of people criticized Richard Stallman's "rider" [1] for the same reason,
but at least there I can understand you're hiring someone you don't know
personally for one engagement where you also have to get them room and board.
Employer-employee is much simpler.

------
getpost
This is a good example of grandiose narcissism in the workplace, wherein there
is a presumption that learning about ‘me,’ the author, is an important part of
someone else’s job. Look at all the statements that start with “I!”

Rather than a long essay with a self-absorbed worldview, what might be helpful
is a guide written by other people who have to accommodate this person. Just
kidding, nobody should be thinking about accommodating anyone in this way or
to this degree.

All those statements in the essay should be private guides to the author’s own
personal development. For example, “I am frequently late to meetings,” should
be taken as evidence of self absorption, poor time management, and a lack of
respect for coworkers. The author needs to learn how not to be late.

~~~
madamelic
Jeez.

Or maybe we should all learn to be a little more empathetic and how best to
work with our co-workers.

If you are going to invest 12+ months to working closely with someone, maybe
you could spend 3 minutes reading how to best to work with them.

With all of this said, usually these are better bottom-up then top-down (a
manager having reports answer a few questions so the manager can adapt their
workflow)

~~~
newspheasant
Exactly. So many people are commenting here about how self absorbed it is and
“you should just be easier to work with”.

Some people are making valid points (the documents tend to be managers selling
themselves, or making excuses for themselves), but teams need to know how each
other work. Assuming “being easy to work with” means being easy to work the
way you want is even more self-centered!

------
cdcarter
> That night, I met a manager friend for dinner and poured my heart out to
> him. He listened and then gave me a diagnosis. “Julie,” he said, “Have you
> ever told your reports that you care about them? Or asked them how they’d
> like to be cared for?”

One of the best pieces of advice I received in an otherwise pretty uneventful
undergraduate degree in technical theater/stagecraft was during a management
course. A general manager of a small regional theater came to speak, and talk
about "leadership". Generic stuff.

But he said that he has two questions he always asks direct reports. "How do
you like to receive praise, and how to do you like to criticism?" I've adopted
these as good questions during interviews (no matter what side of the table
you're on), when meeting a new team, or even a few releases into a team
forming at a retro.

They're simple questions, and folks don't always have their answer off the top
of their head. But knowing who prefers that big group shout out and who
prefers a quiet thank you email to them and their manager can make a huge
difference.

------
kylegalbraith
We tried this at a company I was at just last year. It's a great idea on the
surface and is a very helpful way for coworkers to get to know more about you.

The reason it didn't work at said company was because nobody actually read
them. They were kept in a random Google Doc that you only ever saw during your
onboarding.

~~~
PragmaticPulp
I've also watched the manager README trend go wrong at multiple companies.

The problem is that managers write their READMEs according to how they want to
be viewed by others, so they tend to be more aspirational than realistic.

These might actually be useful if the employees could write the README for
their manager _and_ the manager could never read the document or otherwise
retaliate for what the employees write about their manager. That's the only
way you'd get an accurate document, but obviously it's not realistic.

I think it's better to simply write these documents as a "How to guide for
team members" outlining the expectations for performance, communication, how
and when their performance reviews will happen, and so on.

Better to remove the manager's ego from the equation as much as possible
rather than making it the unspoken centerpiece of the document.

------
ta1234567890
> I had to read it a few times to ensure I wasn’t misunderstanding: the
> majority of my team thought I didn’t show care for them?!

> I started writing a “How to work with Julie” guide for my team

What?!

So your team tells you they don't feel cared for by you and your reaction is
to write a guide for them on how to work with you? Talk about not getting the
message.

I do think it's very important to have good communication, introspection and
awareness of others as well as the way they work. But writing a guide about
yourself and expecting others to follow it is not the best way to achieve
that.

Maybe do write the guide, but keep it to yourself then use it as a way to get
to know yourself better and see how you can improve your way of working with
others.

In terms of building rapport in a safe environment, my preferred approach is
to have standup-style meetings in which everyone in the team gets a turn to
speak and they have an opportunity and space to open up and be vulnerable.
This is usually lead by a manager that shows vulnerability first as a way to
let the rest feel more at ease with sharing. You can do these weekly and they
can last 15-30min. Over time they are very powerful and help tremendously in
improving the way people treat each other, as well as detecting potential
issues.

Edit: PS: Innerspace has some amazing free workshops about team building,
communication at work and related topics/practices, mostly targeted towards
startup founders. Highly recommend them -
[https://www.helloinnerspace.org](https://www.helloinnerspace.org)

~~~
MattGaiser
> So your team tells you they don't feel cared for by you and your reaction is
> to write a guide for them on how to work with you? Talk about not getting
> the message.

I found that resolved quite well under "Things I do that may annoy you." She
knows she doesn't seem caring and explains why.

~~~
PragmaticPulp
This is why I dislike the "Manager README" trend.

They start with good intentions (informing the team about what's expected of
them and how to work efficiently with the team) but they usually devolve into
justifying the manager's bad behaviors and telling the team to deal with it.

In practice, most manager READMEs I've seen have been more aspirational than
realistic. That is, managers describing themselves in the best possible way,
or describing the type of manager they want to be.

I think it's much better to write an "Employee how-to manual" that describes
what's expected of the employees, how employees can accomplish things, and so
on. Delivering information to the employees from a purely manager-centric
document sends a message that the manager is the star of the show and the
employees are just the supporting cast who need to deal with the manager's
quirks.

~~~
MattGaiser
> the employees are just the supporting cast who need to deal with the
> manager's quirks.

But that is also the default mode. It is not the best way of doing things, but
most employees do have to deal with managerial quirks.

If I will be having to deal with those quirks anyway, then the guide is
helpful. Otherwise I am learning via trial and error. Sure, ideally the quirks
would be fixed, but that is not a likely event.

~~~
shadowfox
> If I will be having to deal with those quirks anyway, then the guide is
> helpful

That assumes that the guide is frank and truthful. Unfortunately this is, in
my experience, rarely the case. There is strong incentive to use this as a PR
exercise (or "aspirational" to put it mildly) given that it is being published
and visible to many people, especially above you.

So you are going to have to try to match reality against that document anyway.

------
jcelerier
I'm trying to imagine a future where we all write this kind of user guide for
ourselves - the first place that comes to mind for a depiction of such a
future would be in a bookshelf between 1984 and A Brave New World

~~~
kapilkaisare
Would you elaborate why?

It came across to me as a pretty good idea. To write this well requires a
certain degree of introspection, and it allows co-workers to gain an
understanding of how you work.

~~~
bartvk
It divulges a lot of one's personality. This kind of openness would require me
to feel really at home in a company.

Coincidentally, that's also the reason I feel the piece was so interesting,
when I'm normally more drawn to technical articles.

~~~
caminmccluskey
I wrote something about this pretty recently - a pitch/anti-pitch to these
sorts of guides. I do think the tl:dr is that you need a high level of
psychological safety in the team to make it workable. Although I think the act
of writing one can be a useful exercise in itself, I certainly hadn't thought
deeply about what my preferences are for work. It also gave me some ideas of
what I could work on personally.

[https://medium.com/better-programming/personal-user-
manuals-...](https://medium.com/better-programming/personal-user-manuals-the-
good-the-bad-and-the-template-7b80db5044ea) <\- scroll down for the
pitch/anti-pitch :)

~~~
bartvk
Very interesting, thanks for sharing. Is this a company-wide thing at your
workplace?

------
jaw
Articulating your flaws isn't the same as fixing them.

If you just tell people what your love language is, but don't learn to show
love in their love language, they still won't feel cared for. You may even be
reinforcing the message that you don't care enough to adapt to them.

If you tell people to call you out on being late, but are still routinely
late, it will feel like an empty apology.

We all have flaws and have to deal with each others'; for all I know this
person is a fantastic manager. But I'm skeptical that this kind of document is
a good way to start a working relationship. It's very personal to the author
but impersonal to the recipient, giving the impression that all responsibility
lies on the recipient to deal with the author's issues. I know the document
tries to emphasize that that's not the case, but until you have a real
relationship with the person you don't know which parts of that to trust.
(Most people see themselves as being open to honest feedback, but that doesn't
mean they actually are.)

------
beeskneecaps
I can see a disgruntled employee leaving negative feedback about having to
fill in a form like this. Scheduling regular one on ones and asking these
questions during those meetings seems much more casual.

------
ljm
So, this says 'how to work with me' but not 'how can I work with you?'

This kind of document is all about validating inputs instead of reflecting on
output. It's 'how can you help me?' as opposed to 'how can I help you?', and
if you need this kind of document in a leadership position I think you've
already failed.

Set boundaries and stuff by all means, but don't delegate that responsibility
to a document that nobody will read and/or remember, and then making other
people responsible for your own abject laziness.

------
bonfire
I wrote a manager's README and give it to new hires and even in some cases
candidates I'm trying to convince come work with me. It is realistic (I hope
:D) and in no way is it meant to compensate on things I do or are annoying ..
"you should have known, it is written in the README" is never an acceptable
response. So in one way I appreciate her "user guide" as I know how difficult
it is to write such a document and she does it with high detail.

I wonder if it raised the grade on the next survey though :D

------
alehul
> I started writing a “How to work with Julie” guide for my team

The best managers I've had, which I've tried to emulate, have been exactly the
_opposite_.

Good managers know enough about their team to create their own "How to work
with $coworker" guide for each and every direct report!

People vary (1) in how they best receive feedback, (2) in how much freedom and
ambiguity they prefer in projects they're given, (3) in how often they want to
meet, so on and so forth.

If you aren't able to adjust your communication and management style to fit
the needs of your team members, in most cases you aren't cut out to manage —
it'll only become worse as your team grows and becomes more diverse.

Disclaimer: this only applies to smaller companies (<100 employees). The
author worked at a very large company, where employees are content to read the
manager's 'user guide' to understand them better and try and thrive under
them.

------
amelius
Next step: you should have a status indicator.

And: you should have a power on/off button.

------
sgarrity
I applaud any effort to improve communication within a team, and haven't tried
this specifically, so take my criticism with a grain of salt.

My concern with this approach is that it relies on us to be self-aware of our
idiosyncrasies and limitations. There are aspects of myself that I do think I
understand well and could be well communicated with the tool like this, but I
suspect that I might be blind to the more problematic aspects of my own
personality, and that this lack of self-awareness exacerbates or is that the
root of the problem.

------
MattGaiser
Like most documentation, the problem is in getting people to read it and
update it regularly.

------
MattGaiser
I get why people object to adapting to another personality, but the reality is
that most of us have to do that anyway with a manager.

Why not just have the required adaptations laid out for easy understanding?

