
Networking for the Shy Entrepreneur - curej
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/23/business/smallbusiness/23toolkit.html
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wallflower
A dating coach has a 3C's rule that rates a venue for meeting women that also
may apply to networking for shyer people:

Conversation-friendliness: How easy is it to hold a conversation (no shouting,
no loud music, seating (if needed) )

Community - What brings these people to this venue? (e.g. a bar - random
dropins vs art showing - people interested in art). A general networking event
may rate low on this index but a Ruby brigade meetup (shared interests) may be
high

Continuity - How likely are you to meet these people again? How involved can
you get?

By this rule, local monthly _small_ entrepreneur, coder, hacker meetups may be
a much better use of your time than trying a general purpose networking event.
Every time I go to a big networking-type event (where I meet people whose job
it is to network), I get reminded that its not really my thing; I really go
just to observe how bad/well people can make small talk. It's good practice.
If you really want to observe good networkers, go to a political fundraising
event (these people are pros, for better or worse).

I have met people at networking events - the key thing is you'll know pretty
quickly if you hit if off with someone - the whole point of networking (as
explained to me by the best networker I know - a woman president of a tech
company) is to setup a "1st date" to follow-up if you hit it off - you don't
go to networking events to have a 20-min conversations with one person but to
meet a number of potential people who you might hit it off with for lunch or
business.

If you go to a networking event and participate, good luck and remember: "One
of the most difficult social tasks is to join an activity that is already in
progress." Basically that means going up to a group of people who are
chatting. There are techniques for doing this but theory is cheap, execution
counts.

~~~
kirubakaran
_"One of the most difficult social tasks is to join an activity that is
already in progress." Basically that means going up to a group of people who
are chatting. There are techniques for doing this but theory is cheap,
execution counts._

Can you please give some tips on how to do this? This is something I
definitely need to learn. A friend once invited me to a programmers/founders
meet, which was in a bar. [little dark, loud music] I was a little late, tried
"hard" to get into the already chatting crowd. They had formed a tight circle,
standing, with their backs to me from every fucking angle. The friend just
smiled at me and nodded and didn't do much else. I went around them like a
moron, not finding any gap to step in, felt really foolish and frustrated,
faked a phone call and fled. In my defense, I think I could have 'got in' only
by pinching someone's ass. I rationalized it thinking "Fuck them. I'd better
be coding right now anyways."

~~~
wallflower
> Can you please give some tips on how to do this?

I used to think I was being clever by hovering next to groups when I didn't
know anyone - close but not too close so it would seem like I was with that
group. Not so - you just look like a wallflower.

It's not something you need to learn. It's something everyone can do.
Unfortunately, it is all about commitment. By hovering, you are not
committing. You have to be willing to interrupt the group/sidetrack them
(although it is better to start side conversations inside the group then to
completely derail it).

It is quite a rush/good feeling to be able to approach a group of strangers.

The basic concept is of leadership. If you approach a group of people and just
kind of stand there, you're playing a passive role/not taking ownership of the
situation. You're leaving it up to the other person to do something - and
since they're in the group - they can easily do nothing/blow you off. Believe
me, I think one of the most uncomfortable feelings is hovering around groups
and knowing that the people in the group know you are hovering.

So, when you have the courage (note I'm not saying confidence - confidence
sometimes implies you feel good before you do something whereas with courage
you feel the fear and do it anyway) to approach a group - pick a specific
person to engage. There is always someone who is momentarily left out of a
group - for example, someone might start texting or looking around the room -
go to them - pick them to engage. If you can engage them in conversation,
you've got an in. And, if you pull more people in the proximity of you who are
in the group into that conversation, you start to divide and conquer.

However, if you don't engage them properly and the group kind of stalls [e.g.
proverbial music stops playing] - what you have to do is even more courage-
taking - introduce yourself to each person calmly but quickly with brief eye
contact. In every group, there will be someone who will ask you a question to
interrupt you - whatever you do - do not answer the question - if you do -
you've lost (e.g. shown that you weren't committed to introducing yourself to
everyone). But don't ignore them, tell them that's a good question (whatever
it was - even if it was something like - 'what do you want?!') and go on to
the next person. If you do this right, you will effectively control the group
by interrupting whatever it was they were talking about and making you the
focus. The key, once you've done this, is to put the focus back on the group,
engage them - get other people talking. By focusing on other people, even just
one, you're engaging the principle of reciprocity (e.g. he's paying attention
to me, maybe I could pay attention to him).

We all know that it's so easy to meet people through friends (because we're
all pre-vetted right?). A good exercise to work on anxiety talking with
strangers (which we all have) is to talk to someone at a retail store [ideally
opposite sex] and try to get the conversation out of the standard customer-
clerk role [e.g. make it personal - ask them why they cut their hair that
way].

Actually, one of the best ways to practice what I call social skydiving (I
read this term somewhere - very fitting) is to go to a networking event of the
type described in the NYT article.

> The friend just smiled at me and nodded and didn't do much else.

The friend could have easily smoothed it for you with a 'X, this is my friend
Y.' But don't fault him - he was probably not feeling much like he was part of
that "group".

If I were in your situation, after that happened, I would have left the scene
momentarily - then gone back in a couple minutes and basically hug the friend
and/or put my arm around the friend (yes, its awkward) and then introduce
myself. By leaving, you can sometimes reboot the situation enough so an
initial bad impression doesn't matter.

~~~
sepa
It also helps to break the ice with some smart/funny comment at your friend,
but also hoping the comment reaches to the others as well. Sense of humor or
good observation can be your ticket in to the network.

------
malvosenior
I've never found networking "events" to be of any use. What has worked is
asking people you're working with (say investors) for introductions any chance
you get. The conversation starts off much warmer and you tend to get to people
who are usually too busy to attend conferences for the sake of it.

------
quizbiz
What I want to know: How do you start a conversation with a stranger?

~~~
spyrosk
-Nice weather today.. :P

Seriously, my best method of starting a chat with a stranger is making a
comment about something in the surrounding environment quickly followed by a
question about the other person. Try not to talk about the weather as this
usually raises a "red flag", ie I really want to talk to you but dont know
how.

After that, it's mostly questions/answers as you start to get acquainted.
Question/answer ratio in your speaking time should be around 80/20. Try to
keep your answers relatively short, especially in the beggining, so that you
don't bore your conversational partner. You can usually tell if he/she is
genuinely interested in a subject as he will request more information about
it. As for the questions let him/her finish his answer, nod, have an open body
posture, copy his/hers with a 5sec delay and while he/she answers think of the
next one. Give some time between his answer and the next question (his/hers or
yours) but be ready to fire in case the conversation drifts off to that
"awkward silence".

In any case try to remember that people like to talk about themselves (hence
the question/answer ratio) but this isn't always the case, e.g. you have met
an introvert (takes time to start opening up) or someone who's having a bad
day (difficult to change his/her mood).

Finally, if you fail, don't sweat it. Find what/where the conversation went
wrong change your tactic a bit (alter talking speed, think of better generally
applied questions, humor) and try again. And don't forget to smile :)

~~~
philwelch
"Try not to talk about the weather as this usually raises a "red flag", ie I
really want to talk to you but dont know how."

This varies depending on the region. If you live somewhere with interesting
enough weather (i.e. eastern Washington) it's always a topic of discussion.
(in June) "Did you see the snow this morning? That was crazy!" (in July) "Man,
it's 100 degrees out. Can you believe it snowed last month?"

