
Ask HN: Spouse not on the same page - trapperkeeper
Curious if anyone can share some experience with marriage. I married someone who isn&#x27;t as intellectual as me. She was generally supportive of my tech interests and career ambitions when we were courting. At the time she had a job (though she had massive student loans). A few years into our marriage, my wife occupies (shall I say demands) a lot more time than before. She doesn&#x27;t work anymore either (suffered job loss so is going through a bit of emotional stress - so essentially a couch potato - unlikely she will find a job at her previous position). We are in our mid-30s. Wife wants to turn homemaker, and have kids. I&#x27;m without any kind of support network. I make decent money in tech (120K+) so should be able to support a family. But feel overwhelmed. I thought my mid-30s was going to be my last chance to do something entrepreneurial. If we have a kid and just my income, that dream is gone. Any one else go through something similar?
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akg_67
I hate to write this but you come across self-absorbed. I would have hated to
be married to someone like you - "isn't as intellectual as me", "demands a lot
more time", "emotional stress", "couch potato", "unlikely will find a job",
"wants to turn homemaker ..". Just the number of negative expressions you used
for your wife is staggering in a short little paragraph.

It appears that you see her as liability rather than asset. First, change your
outlook toward your wife. If you can't value her properly, you are not going
to value anyone else either. Startups require lot of sacrifices not only from
you but also from others involved. Spouse and family do the most sacrifices to
achieve entrepreneurial dream of a family member. Putting them down is not
going to get you far. Learn to respect what others bring to the table.

I will suggest you forget about being "entrepreneurial" and focus on salvaging
one project "Your wife, your marriage, and your relationship". Once you
recognize the positive qualities of your spouse then talk about growing the
family or becoming entrepreneurial.

 _ed: Apologies for being rough in my response. The OP just touched a raw
nerve._

~~~
MrQuincle
This response is a bit "rough", but I had more or less the same impression. I
don't think this question was about being an entrepreneur and how to do this
if you have a family.

The question is about what kind of girl you'd like to have instead of your
wife. Or at least, that's how it comes across...

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tptacek
You need a marriage counselor, not advice from HN. You should also know that
your 30s are not "your last chance to do something entrepreneurial". If you
believe tech's ageist memes, I've got bad news for you: you're 10 years past
what vocal tech morons think your prime was.

~~~
oneiroscopist
Of course, we do not know the author's exact situation, but this is the
impression I got as well from the posting: he is unhappy with the status quo.
Blaming the author for being "self absorbed" is counter productive, it always
takes two people to make the marriage work, and the wife is just as
responsible. Marriage counseling seems a very good option.

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dirktheman
I don't want to go all Dr. Phil on you, but you have to sort a couple of
things out with each other. Your wife isn't going to have kids, you both are.
Before anything, make sure you get on the same page about having children. The
responsibility is bigger than anything entrepeneurial you'll ever do, but so
are the rewards. I'm like you, mid-30's, no succesful startup just yet, but I
have two children. They're my no. 1 priority and inspiration. They don't stand
in the way of working on my startup, although they delay the work somewhat,
but I don't mind that.

Having kids is awesome if you're (plural!) ready for it. It also doesn't mean
giving up on your dream. I work 4 days a week, I take care of the kids 1 day a
week and the weekends, and work on my startup while commuting and on some
evenings. It's perfect like this.

Whatever you decide, good luck. Shoot me an email if you ever want to chat
about parenthood and startups!

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te_platt
Sure, I'm in my mid 40's, married, bunch of kids, full time job. I've been
involved with (failed) startups and side projects. I've also made a few things
I'm proud of even if not hugely successful. Having a family definitely brings
more pressure and time constraints but also a lot of benefits. It's not the
end of life if you don't make it big in your 30's.

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joeclark77
This is not your last chance to so something entrepreneurial, but it is
getting close to her last chance to start a family. (And quite frankly, for
every year you continue to delay having kids, the physical stress of raising
them is going to get that much more difficult. Much easier to handle a toddler
at 30 than it would be at 35 or 40.) Your wife's desire to have children is
not a hobby or an affectation, it's the human condition. Do what's best for
your wife and children, and you'll be rewarded many times over.

As a bonus, you will quickly develop the ability to survive on far fewer hours
of sleep per day. That'll come in handy when you're starting new ventures in
the future...

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oneiroscopist
I think it's really up to you. If you do not feel comfortable being a sole
provider for a stay-at-home-mom and a kid, do not do it. There is no point in
doing something you feel forced into, nor will it bring peace into marriage.
Resolve your marriage problems before jumping into irreversible decisions.

~~~
tarikh
Second!

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brandon272
In order for your marriage to work it is likely that you will need both make
compromises to create a life that you both can be satisfied with. You'll only
get this through a lot of open communication with your wife.

I am really troubled by the fact that the first thing you mention about her is
that she isn't "as intellectual" as you are, not to mention the other negative
things you said about her in your post. I think those are all things that you
need to pretty quickly determine whether or not they are a big deal to you. If
they are, then this marriage is in for a rocky future.

Also, please don't have kids to try and fix your marriage. Get your troubles
reasonably sorted out before you even think of bringing children into that
environment.

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partisan
Hey there,

I'm in pretty much the same spot except that my wife and I had multiple
children last year (yes at the same time). A few pieces of advice:

\- Having children will test your marriage like nothing before. If you are not
happy now, consider that you are going to be even less happy in the future.
The children will bring you boundless joy, but don't expect that to make your
marriage better. Just my experience there.

\- Now that I am able to get some sleep again, I find that the quality of my
ideas has improved. I have a lot less time to work on them, but the dream is
not gone. I also found a job that allows me to work from home and provides a
good pay with equity.

\- Your salary will suddenly feel like it is not enough. But it is. Consider
what your parents raised you on and what sacrifices they may have made. My mom
raised three of us while learning english and going to college. It wasn't
easy. She made a quarter of your salary after getting a degree.

\- It is overwhelming, but like any test, you will find out who you are in the
process, for better or for worse.

My wife has gone through that couch potato phase. I think that you have to get
her to find something that will break the depression she is possibly going
through. Help her to become motivated.

You are not alone.

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cpt1138
I'm in my mid 40's married, two kids, one in college. I am working a day job
and a doing my own startup. I try to stay fit and stay away from sick people.
Wife works but makes 1/3 what I make so it's going to be a hard transition if
I decide to go full time startup, but its there. Don't worry about it, just do
it.

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scotty79
My advice is to get a job at corporation that pays twice or more than your
current income. Just keep asking for this much and sooner or later someone
will agree. When you'll see piles of money, more than you ever dreamt of
needing, flowing in for doing easier things than you do today you'll stress
much less about percieved inefficiencies of your wife and life. I was in
similar situation to yours and used to sob on my birthdays and other yearly
occasions. It all ended once I began to earn absurd amounts of money (for my
standards). It really helps to earn more than you need to see how useless
money is to shed of the fear of not getting rich disguised as ambition.

~~~
oneiroscopist
What a great advice - if you are feeling financially insecure, and feel like
you have no support network - just get a job at $240K +. Why doesn't everyone
just do that?

~~~
scotty79
I'm not sure about exact numbers, but when you are 30 something and ask for a
lot of money people are thinking you are worth it and the only question for
them is whether can they afford you or not. And suprisingly some answer "yes"
to that question.

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chrismaeda
If I had to choose between having kids and starting a company, I'd choose the
kids with no regrets. Startup life is overrated.

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rwallace
Honestly, it's a myth that being an entrepreneur is the exclusive domain of
the young. People in their sixties have successfully founded companies. Never
let anyone tell you you're too old.

Having children, on the other hand... it would be great if the same were true
there, but unfortunately biology dictates otherwise; this really might be your
last chance for that. Besides it seems like this is also the time when your
wife needs a break from the office grind. Maybe she'd feel like getting back
to that in later years when children are grown up.

So to be honest, it sounds to me like she's right, this is the best time to
have children, and think about the startup game at a later date.

~~~
kohanz
To add to that, I don't think that having children precludes entrepreneurship
or taking risks. There are plenty of counter-examples.

While kids are indeed an added financial responsibility (though when they're
young, they don't require much), they can also help turn you into a more
disciplined worker who makes more efficient use of the free time that they do
have.

I recommend listening to the Bootstrapped with Kids podcast [0] for a window
into this world.

[0]
[http://www.bootstrappedwithkids.com/](http://www.bootstrappedwithkids.com/)

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Terretta
Having kids doesn't prevent you from being an entrepreneur. Many of my startup
founder friends jumped in despite toddlers. And you've got time--nothing will
stop you from self funding a startup at age 60.

By contrast, biological clock can stop her from having kids in about 3-5
years. She's likely wired to ramp up focus on wanting this. Shut up and make
babies.

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sandGorgon
someone who built India's largest private pharmacy network - Guardian Pharmacy
- once told me that the key to a _sustained startup marathon_ is to make sure
that your lifestyle does not worsen by more than 30%. So if you used to eat
out three times a week, you should be able to eat out twice.

this holds true at any point in your life - whether you are a 20 year old
doing a ramen startup or a 30 year old with kids. If you have the financial
nest egg to be able to maintain a lifestyle at 70% of your original, you
should do fine. Now, the way to achieve it is harder - this means that even
when you are earning, you are proactively saving a lot ... which means not
buying that latest gadget that your coworkers are buying.

This is very, very hard.

In short - dont worry... if you can save.

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sheepmullet
Two important issues to keep in mind:

A) Wife is going through a _lot_ of stress as she has been let go and if she
wants to work again is going to have to accept a significant demotion.

B) Wife is in her mid-30s and is rapidly approaching an age where she needs to
have kids (if she wants them).

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junto
Actually, I would advise you to get on and have the children earlier. Do you
want to be an old Dad, straining to keep up with your kids?

I now have two children. I kind of wish I had had them earlier. When you are
younger you have way more energy.

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logn
Your chance to be an entrepreneur has a lot more years left in it than her
chance to have kids. In her mid 30s, it's her final years to ever have them
(with good odds to have them be healthy at least).

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JoeAltmaier
I've raised a family of 3 kids, and never had anything but entrepreneurial
jobs. Even started a couple. Choose the kind where you get paid. Simple as
that.

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readme
/r/firstworldproblems

