

Quarter life crisis: Advice?  - lollerskates

Hello.<p>[LongSelfIntrospectionRantAlert]<p>I'm in my early 20s, out of college for 1 year now with a degree that decrees me as an engineer. Although I've pulled through the better part of my academics with decent grades, I've been fighting what seems to be a losing war with mediocrity. At this time, I'm facing a severe motivational crisis to do any fscking thing in life.<p>In no particular order, the below mentioned points describe my current state of mind and work:<p>a) I hold a long standing consulting career as a developer. I got sucked into this at some point during college. While the money is reasonable (for where I live), the work itself is normally pretty uninspiring.<p>b) I have a modest amount of contributions in f/oss-land. I wish to do more, but frequently turned off by how all the projects I'm related to work.<p>c) I fiddle with a couple of ideas -- mostly forks of f/oss projects. Juggling as many things as I am, and being a one man army, there's very little of achieving much. At this point, I've also given up on approaching b-people for funding or fellow geeks into collaborating. I'm also considering giving up altogether.<p>d) Outside the tech-zone, I "partner" a small travel-related startup. This was showing hope at one time, but now it's probably at the end of it's lease.<p>e) I'm also at a low as far as personal life goes.  The last breakup happened more than an year back now. I'll admit that I'm emotionally, sexually frustrated. Being compulsively prudish hasn't helped me find the short term solution either.<p>f)I also suffer from chronic wanderlust. This is one of the reasons I've been keen on being all by myself. I've come to understand that this is important for my sanity.<p>Currently, my life revolves around my folks, code, IRC, HN, reddit, coffee, lemon tea and travel. Being mostly shy and introverted, My behavior these days is quasi-sociophobic.<p>Back on the topic, I've tried to identify a few options for the way forward. Please feel free to suggest more:<p>a) Push for a post-grad in some US-varsity: Although I can bet on the GRE, I'm neither technically (albeit for some reasonable programming ability) strong nor inclined to academics anymore. Besides, exiling from my hometown doesn't sound like a great proposition.<p>b)Drown in the ocean: I've penetrated openings in big companies in campus selections at college. It won't be hard to be there again. I will probably have to bear some backtracking in terms of income.<p>c) Management: 
I was inspired by the amount of credence MBAs from good B-schools tended to get at various startup / entrepreneurship events I've been to. I'm also told that a tech background + MBA is a killer combo.<p>I've thought that this would be the best fix for making peace with the depression caused by mediocrity and under-achievement this far.<p>The catch 22 is that competition for B-school entrances here is rather high. Realistically (with my motivational issues as of now), I don't see myself making the cut. I wouldn't want to settle for yet another mediocre school.<p>d) Inertia:
Empty catch. Just hope I get lucky.<p>Any life-changing, inspiring advice from HN'ers would be appreciated. Please recount similar experiences if any.
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mindcrime
Most of the answers you'll probably get are pretty cliched, but that's OK...
they're popular answers for a reason. So, might as well get it out of the way:

Figure out what you like doing, and find ways to spend more time doing that.

Ok, that said... in real-life, sometimes we have conflicting desires and
tradeoffs have to be made. If I like doing "X" and "B" but "B" pays way
better, and I also want "Y" which requires money, then maybe "B" is the better
choice, even if I actually like "X" a little more. Or not. The point is, there
are no perfect decisions... life is a series of trade-offs, learning
experiences and opportunities to re-evaluate things. If I have any useful
advise to give, I'd say something like:

1\. Above all, stay true to yourself vis-a-vis principles and values. Don't
compromise on who you are or what you believe in, just to make a buck or
whatever.

2\. Try to avoid decisions that lock you too firmly onto one path. While it's
true - after a fashion - that it's "never too late to $FOO", inertia and lock-
in are powerful forces. Sometimes you have to pick, jobs, locations to live,
significant others, etc., but try to always keep an eye towards keeping your
options open.

3\. All of that said, read "Hero With A Thousand Faces" by Joseph Campbell.
<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Hero_with_a_Thousand_Faces> Watch the movie
"Vision Quest" Think about what you want your purpose, your quest, your
defining goal to be. Pursue it whole-heartedly. Watch that old Kevin Costner
movie "Tin Cup" as well. It's silly, but there's some great wisdom there.

4\. Realize that the old saw about "Winners never quit and Quitters never win"
is true but represents a double-edged sword of sorts. Read "Moby Dick" and
imagine Captain Ahab muttering to himself "Winners never quit, winners never
quit..." There's a fine line between determination and obsession.
Unfortunately you might not recognize it until you cross it. Some lessons you
just have to learn through experience.

5\. On the sexual frustration thing... I'm hesitant to say this, because it
can open a big can of worms for some people and lead to more obsession, but...
If you're not good at connecting with women, there _is_ useful knowledge to be
found in the "PUA community" (or "Seduction Community" if you like). There's a
lot of BS as well, but some people do gain from getting involved in that.
<http://www.fastseduction.com>

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HeyLaughingBoy
You say they're in no particular order. OK then, put them in order and address
the one on top of the pile first.

Beyond that I can't help. I just turned 45: the last time I cared about my age
was turning 30 and wondering why anyone made a big deal about it. Never had a
quarter life crisis, don't have a a midlife crisis. Life is too short to spend
it navel gazing (which is what those crises tend to be!). At every point in
life there will be some "issue" to deal with.

If I were to project my values on you (in terms of what would bother me) I'd
address sexual frustration first since it has a way of distracting you from
everything else. The biggest thing to bear in mind here (assuming you're
straight) is that most single, unattached women are as sexually frustrated as
you are -- it's not like it's tattooed on their foreheads, though.

Want a project? Make a site for people who want to travel to the same place
but don't want to do it alone. They can meet, get to know each other and
decide if they want to travel together. If you can get that to work, it'll
solve a bunch of your problems :-)

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imp
If you're having a motivational crisis, then it could be that you just don't
like doing those things. Try something different for a change. Maybe radically
different.

However, your post is negative sounding all around. Having concerns about
being motivated to work is one thing, but describing the rest of your life
with words like "sucked into", "suffer", "frustrated", "compulsive",
"sociophobic" sounds like you have a generally negative attitude that's
separate from your desire to be productive. Maybe that's just because you feel
like you're in a crisis, but maybe consider trying to look at things more
positively. I think that issue is separate from deciding what to do next in
your career.

Add some exercise to your daily routine. It'll help with lots of things,
physical and mental.

It's fine to be an introvert, but don't use it as an excuse not to go out and
meet people. I know that's challenging, but meeting new people is good for
happiness and getting ideas for things to do.

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robfitz
Forget more school. It's a stalling tactic.

Some things might make you happy. Travel might, business might, girls might,
friends might. None of those have potential to happen while you're at home.

For a simple change, go into the nearest big city 3 times a week and just do
what you're currently doing at home, from a nice coffee shop. Make smalltalk
with whoever's around, if you feel like it.

Beyond that, I'd say drop your teams and pick a project you believe in and
which is small enough to finish working only part time, within a month. The
sort of project you'll excitedly check your email for, because you can't wait
to talk to the people who are enjoying it. Working on something small & fully
under your control is invigorating.

If money is an issue, Tim Ferriss' thing of starting from a blank sheet and
adding in the monthly expenses of your ideal life's costs (instead of starting
from your current default situation) makes for much more tractable budgeting,
the results of which can be pretty surprising. You'll need to work a bit, but
sometimes you can get by with much less than you suspect.

I guess, in a sentence, don't stress too much, just make yourself get out and
around people more, even if you aren't interacting with them.

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lollerskates
Can someone tell me how to put this into the Ask HN section? It appeared there
originally, but it seems to have disappeared now.

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ahoyhere
Solve your personal problems first. You're lonely and afraid of people, but
you clearly want to NOT be lonely or afraid of people.

That will make you miserable no matter what your work is, or whether you go
back to school. Those issues are scratching the surface, but you're going to
feel inadequate professionally as long as you feel inadequate personally.

FTR: "Shy" is not who you are, it's how you act. And "introverted" only
describes the state that helps you "recharge your batteries," not whether or
not you understand people and how to act with them.

I used to have pretty strong phobia of social situations, would never go to
parties if I didn't already know everyone there, etc., and now everybod thinks
I'm a fucking butterfly, so believe me -- you can change. And that made a huge
difference in my life, deciding that I would conquer it, and doing it -- I
made true, deep friends for the first time in my life and my life improved
dramatically in every way.

For starters, if you're scared, force yourself to go to social situations
you'd normally steer clear of. Go to a party. Say hi to two people. Try to
make small talk. After 2 people, give yourself permission to stop trying. Next
time, make it 4 people. Do something against your nature, like wearing a
really loud outfit or bringing food and asking everyone if they tried it. I
dyed my hair green. Forcing yourself to try the opposite of what you normally
do - show off instead of hide - is extremely illuminating.

None of this will actually hurt you, so don't let your fear win.

Read The Hard Truth about Soft Skills along with How to Win Friends. They're
good.

Good luck.

