

The Perfect Compliment - Firebrand
http://www.esquire.com/print-this/how-to-compliment-1009?page=all

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jswanson
Kind of an odd article, the writer spends the first part of it trying to come
up with compliments, which usually fail.

Instead of manufacturing a compliment, just pay attention and realize what you
think looks nice, what you like, or what you think is cool. Instead of holding
back and not saying anything, which I think is what a lot of us do, tell them.

If the person has a funny shirt on and it brightens your day, say 'I really
like your shirt.'

Instead of trying to compliment somebody, just try to appreciate them, and
then relax enough to tell them what you appreciate.

A compliment you manufacture for the sake of giving a compliment will probably
come across as stilted and fake.

~~~
Swizec
This. Exactly this.

It's why alcohol makes social stuff easier - lowered inhibitions.

Remember _nothing bad will happen if you just tell people what you think_.
Especially if it's positive. I promise. It won't be weird.

In fact, I've gone so far as making this a daily habit:
[http://swizec.com/blog/can-you-pay-one-compliment-to-one-
str...](http://swizec.com/blog/can-you-pay-one-compliment-to-one-stranger-
every-day/swizec/4449)

~~~
hobin
No no no no. Absolutely not. Not, _especially_ if its positive. Generally,
_only_ if its positive. I'm a slightly cynical person, so if I told people
everything I thought, I'd probably be out of friends by now.

~~~
dakotasmith
I think that could be the cynicism talking.

Perhaps all of the people who now are your friends might no longer be you
friends, but your new habit could've brought you new friends who respect you
for your candor, even if it is slightly cynical.

~~~
scarmig
I have one friend who tells everyone what she thinks with no apparent filter.

Besides me, she has maybe two or three other people who like her company.

Nor are her opinions that noxious--usually she just says out loud very blunt
versions of what half of the people are thinking. But you can easily imagine
personalities with an even lower batting average.

~~~
tetha
All my friends are like that with varying syntax. I'm unsure how to interprete
that, except that I like it because they are honest.

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elzr
On a completely different level of mundanity, here are 3 beautiful
compliments:

 _Jon Stewart to SpaceX founder Elon Musk:_ You have invented a rocket, and a
spaceship on the rocket, and you've launched this into orbit already, and
brought it back. The four entities that have done that are: the United States,
China, the Soviet Union, and Elon Musk.

 _Peter Forbes to physicist David Deutsch:_ To read him is to experience the
thrill of the highest level of discourse available on this planet and to
understand it.

 _Cicero to historian Thucydides:_ He so concentrates his copious material
that he almost matches the number of his words with the number of his
thoughts. In his words, further, he is so apposite and compressed that you do
not know whether his matter is being illuminated by his diction or his words
by his thoughts.

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dmor
I have noticed women tend to give a lot of empty compliments, and I have seen
it more with women than men. I think this article is trying to get away from
basic straightforward compliments with something more crafted, but it seems
like the (rushed) conclusion was that something genuine that feels like it
just had to be said is the best compliment.

Then the other day my husband and I went to the bagel place down the street
and he randomly told a guy in a Pink Floyd t-shirt "great shirt" with a
genuine smile to which the guy responded "thanks, I like it too". This really
surprised me because my husband isn't extroverted at all and especially not
before a cup of coffee. In fact, I don't think I'd ever seen him randomly
strike up a conversation with a stranger. Its something I'm more likely to do.
And then 10 minutes later as we sat outside this strange came out carrying our
order and said with a jolly laugh, "where's my tip?" before heading to his
car.

Something happened there, they connected and it felt nice. And I was just the
observer.

We sat and talked about the interaction a bit, because we are in the suburbs
before and pondering whether it was due to the fact that people in the city
half expect you to be crazy but maybe our new town was different. If feel like
I am still detoxing from living in SOMA for 2 years, but it reminded me just
to be more friendly and open to people.

So maybe the best compliment is just one that is simple, well meant, and not
overly personal or threatening. It sure felt good in that interaction, not at
all like the shallow "nice shirt" exchanges amount women in Barneys or the
creepy "nice shirt" exchanges with men walking by me on my way home from work.

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power
I think a good compliment comes from your understanding of a person and in
general you don't know enough about a stranger from a few seconds' observation
to be able to make a meaningful one. And to follow a stranger so you can
compliment them is just creepy in my opinion.

~~~
solutionyogi
No one needs to follow anyone. Even before I read this article, I have been
practicing this recently.

E.g. When I am commuting to NYC, if I observe someone wearing a nice
shoes/tie/outfit or anything else which catches my fancy, I go and compliment
them. Each and every time, it has brought smile to the person's face.
Sometimes we often strike up a conversation and walk out from the station
together and go on our own way. I am not saying that you should force yourself
to compliment but if you notice something nice/interesting, it is definitely a
great idea to let the other person know.

~~~
ams6110
If some random person on the street compliments me about something, I'm
immediately suspicious. It's what used car salesmen do.

Complement someone when you're introduced, or meet for some purpose.
Complementing people you pass on the street seems pointless.

~~~
solutionyogi
I understand your cynicism. I was just like you. But trust me, it's not
necessary that you have to have other motives, you can really be genuine and
sincere about your compliment. I do not actively work on trying to compliment
people. The only thing I have changed is that if I have something nice to say
to someone, I don't held it back anymore.

~~~
ZoFreX
I think the core point that divides creepy/suspicious compliments and genuine
ones is your motivation behind them. If you're searching desperately for
something nice to say to the girl at the crosswalk because she has great
cleavage, it's never going to sound sincere, and she will pick up on it.

However, the exact same compliment delivered out of a motivation simply to put
a smile on someone's face can go a lot further. I used to wear quite quirky
clothing and getting a compliment on my wardrobe choice would make my day.
When I give someone a compliment, that's what I'm trying to achieve - I'm not
trying to make myself feel good, or get in their pants, I just want to pass on
some of the good will and good feeling that has come my way in life.

------
hkon
I get suspicious when someone compliments me. I guess for me, sarcasm and
irony are both the rule, rather than the exception when it comes to
"compliments".

~~~
yen223
I used to be like that - cynical and suspicious of anything somebody says. If
someone said something nice about me, I'd automatically assume he was trying
to sell me something.

I realized later on that life's too short for that kind of negativity. Most
people simply aren't being sarcastic, they are genuinely trying to be nice.

------
bgilroy26
I am surprised by the negativity in here. I was really impressed by the
article because I know what it's like to feel dumb just after you've said
something to a stranger.

Rather than contrived, it seemed to me that the author pushed himself to find
something that he genuinely liked. Sure he gave compliments that he wouldn't
have given before, and that's artificial. On the other hand, his natural
tendency to compliment certainly increased over the course of the venture, so
I think that artificiality served a fine purpose.

I think the effort the author put in probably took him from hour 5 to hour 15
on his road to 10,000 compliment-hours and mastery. Fear of failure is the
surest way to stifle success.

It's rare for me to feel challenged by such a light fluffy piece. I'm not sure
I could do what he did.

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kenjackson
There's a case here in the Seattle area where a guy was put in a coma after
complimenting another guys rims: damanlehman.com

Given the multitude of ways a compliment may be taken, I tend to only give
them to people I know. And even then with great care.

~~~
thesteamboat
As a policy informed by a small amount of anecdotal evidence, I urge you to
reconsider. Your sample is clearly biased; the many, many cases of unsolicited
compliments being taken well are not newsworthy. Further, the expected
societal value of a compliment is positive despite whatever outlying cases
exist.

~~~
kenjackson
This is certainly an extreme cases, but negative feedback from compliments is
not uncommon. Just read the article. I've seen it plenty in real life.

For example, how often do you compliment women on their appearance? Outside of
my family (wife, mom, sister), I never do.

I should note that I have no problem complimenting someone on a job well done
(either work or in the community). But basically never on something one can
observe by simply observing their appearance.

And I guess for myself personally, I've never received a compliment from a
stranger that I've valued.

~~~
wpietri
I frequently compliment women on their appearance. The trick for me is to
_appreciate_ something _specific_ that they _did_. E.g., a choice they made, a
technique they used, a skill they have developed.

That's in contrast to me _approving_ or _evaluating_ something, which implies
I'm somebody with standing to judge them. It's in contrast to broad
generalities. And it's definitely in contrast to commenting on inborn
characteristics.

So for example, people are fine with: "I love how cute those shoes are with
that outfit." It's appreciation (I love), specific (cute, shoes), it's about a
choice they made (buying the shoes, matching with the outfit). The opposite
end of the scale is "You're hot," which places me as a judge, is about me
getting horny, is general, and is likely to be mostly about the body they were
born with.

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aangjie
Interesting.. I like the way, you spent time and attention on details of the
person you're observing and/or complimenting. Both time and attention being
the most rarefied resources nowadays. Reminded me of the quote " the best
gift, you can give somebody is your undivided attention"

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tripzilch
So, comments based on people's superficial appearance usually fail, while
actual compliments about something particular that a person takes pride in
usually succeed, and by trying a lot you become more perceptive and
compassionate in noticing these things.

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zobzu
Meh I hate such compliments. A compliment like this is not one.

It's empty. It's just a "look i'm cool and nice I say something nice _just_
_to_ _say_ _something_ _nice_ "

I dislike when I hear those. On mean days, I'd often go "oh, thanks! so what's
so good about my shoes compared to yours?"

And the person has no clue. They usually don't even come up with a lie, like
"I like the shade/tint" or "the logos are awesome" or what not.

Because, again, it was empty and had no meaning. Generally, they did _not_
like the shoes. They just "wanted to be nice". Happened that the
shoes/umbrella/whatever weren't 100% usual, but they did not find anything
they _liked_. Oh so wrong.

~~~
raygunomical
Did you read the second half of the article? It's about how the author
overcame his urge to blurt out the first compliment he could think of. He
learned to dig deeper and find something about the person that's truly
commendable.

~~~
zobzu
Which proves the point. Trying hard to find compliments is at best not genuine
(and eventually it can be "cute"), at worst manipulative.

In most cases it's also easy to point out. People smart enough to do that
properly are rare. (and usually manipulative :)

------
Tycho
You can't really go wrong with 'I like your hair.'

~~~
qntmfred
I'm bald you jackass

~~~
wpietri
Bald people are especially glad to hear how much people like their baldness.

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dekz
More often then not saying something isn't required. A simple smile can be a
day brightening compliment.

~~~
reddit_clone
A smile and a nod. The most unobtrusive way of conveying that you are friendly
but still respecting others privacy/space.

There are people who get anxious if a stranger says something to them out of
the blue.

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oulipo
Strangely looks like [http://jonmillward.com/blog/psychological-
subtleties/the-ana...](http://jonmillward.com/blog/psychological-
subtleties/the-anatomy-of-a-compliment-and-art-of-giving-one/)

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gooddaysir
Reminds me of when I did the Rejection Therapy challenge[1] (the game forces
you to interact with strangers and get rejected). The trick for me was to try
and find context in the situation - a shared experience we could both relate
to that was non personal.

For example, if it's in line at a grocery store, I'd make a joke about the
trash tabloids that are set up as an impulse buy. It's a safe way to start a
convo, and a lot more natural sounding.

[1] <http://rejectiontherapy.com/rules/>

------
torrenegra
"You are beautiful... to me"

