
It is hopeless, but I still can't accept it - rolledover
I went to school for 4 years and worked for 7.5 all to save up about 1.5 million.  I probably would have about 2.5 million if I didn&#x27;t try to live like a badass for a while.  I&#x27;ve always thought I would be rich and have over 100 million dollars.  I see now that it is going to be impossible.  I saw pg&#x27;s post, and it made me suicidal.  All the brightest minds in the world (of which I am not) with all the help in the world (which I don&#x27;t have) who actually went to school for this stuff (which I did not), are STILL not able to make things work, except for a select few.  8 companies out of 547? made the majority of the money.  I feel hopeless, I don&#x27;t know why I can&#x27;t just accept that I&#x27;m going to be one of the lower class the rest of my life, but I guess that day will come soon enough.  I wish it wasn&#x27;t true, but I know that it is.  I am honestly thinking about just giving my money to charity and moving to some foreign country to volunteer the rest of my life.  I feel like I am worthless, and I always will be.
======
pfortuny
Hi,

It took me 6 (probably more) years to find a really useful psychiatrisc who
dealt with me in a proper fashion (mostly let me decide wether I wanted to
take pills or not AND made me conscious the first thing one needs is PATIENCE,
the second one is LOVE. In this order: there is no use in love if you do not
have patience.)

Patience is hard, hard, hard to acquire (it needs a lot of time) but you have
to struggle.

Love depends on your having caring family/friends. You can get a lot of love
on the Internet as well, but it is not the same thing as being looked after
and dealt with in real life.

However, I would reccomend a real psychiatrist, not just a 'therapist'. And
not being afraid of medicines. BUT: you need both, medicines and therapy, not
just one or the other.

At the same time, you need to focus, day by day, on something that really
engages you. You are right now probably unable to enjoy long periods of
work/sports/entertainment. But you need to set definite and realistic aims for
each day. Examples:

* Today I am going to write ONE blog post, just one. And that is what I am doing today. If I do, then I shall celebrate it with some whatever (a cup of wine, a film, a good ice-cream, whatever you fancy) but CELEBRATE SUCCESS ALWAYS.

* Today I am going to code for half an hour minutes (if you like coding). Same about celebrating.

* Today I am going to visit so-and-so, whom I know is ill and enjoys my company. CELEBRATE.

* Today I am just going for a walk listening to ....

Of course, a long-term project (with NO OBLIGATIONS, just a project) helps in
having daily aims. But no OBLIGATIONS: your pet project which can get all the
time in the world.

Celebrate your good actions. You do a lot every day.

 _Just having got out of bed and having a shower is enough to celebrate_.
Really.

Go get some help. You will need time, but get it.

I'll pray for you.

(Edit grammar & style.)

~~~
rolledover
"Love depends on your having caring family/friends" This is something I have
never had until recently when I met my girlfriend. Even to this day, and even
if I had something really important to talk about to my parents, I couldn't
get their ear for more than 1 minute without losing their interest. They've
always taught me to deny my feelings, and have never really listened to me. I
guess if I was smarter I would have dealt with it better, but sadly I am not.
Thank you, I am keeping in mind what you said about patience and love. These
are both things my current girlfriend has, and I found myself strongly
attracted to her for these qualities. I cry often when I think of her because
I am so grateful for her kindness and patience with me. She is the first
person in the world (irl) that has actually listened to me.

You know, I think if I could earn 40k per year coding, it would take the
pressure off for me. I've never started just because I never thought I could
compete with the naturals that went to MIT and represented Will from Good Will
Hunting, but maybe I've just been blowing things out of proportion. I've
always been able to figure things out, and I did earn a degree in engineering
(although not CS) and rise in the company ranks, so I must be somewhat useful.
I guess I never give myself any credit either. Maybe I do have imposter
syndrome like another user commented. I will make it a point to celebrate more
and narrow down to just ONE thing a day for the meantime. Right now, I am so
overwhelmed that I end up doing nothing. And it just perpetuated. Although I
haven't properly replied to many of the comments here, it has really helped me
just reading what people have suggested, and talking it out.

~~~
pfortuny
I'm glad you have someone who loves you irl and you FEEL it. Very very
important.

The 'one thing a day' is useful because able people (like you and I) tend to
think 'what the heck, I can do this and that and those' and, when we are sick,
we end up doing nothing at all, and despise ourselves because 'look, I should
have done all those things I am capable of and ended up doing none'. Thus, the
one-thing-a-day aim is very good to focus and lift up one's self-worthiness.

Try not to think of your duties & obligations, only of things that you can do
and then celebrate. By the way: celebrate even if you feel crushed and
worthless. One of the main steps is to notice that one is able to 'put aside'
(wrong expression but) one's feelings and ACT according to one's will. (This
takes time, effort and help and cannot be done at once, just keep on trying).

Being listened to, that is so so necessary. And then, at the same time, notice
how she likes, enjoys and values you. You are worthy to her: this is very very
important as an objective valuation of yours.

Good luck and keep the fight on. It is hard but worth the effort.

------
cdvonstinkpot
You sound like someone who needs to count your blessings. Ever heard of a
gratitude list? Put things on there like that you've still got your sight &
all your fingers. Imagine how difficult things would be if you didn't.

I know it sounds corny, but actually seeing on paper all the things you've got
going for you can help when things are out of perspective, because that's all
it is your problem is is perspective.

What's so bad about being the lower class all your life? In America we've got
it made! I'm assuming you're in the US, maybe you're not, but even if you're
not I'm assuming you're in a developed nation if you're able to save $1M+
somehow.

I lost my whole retirement ($160k) on a failed startup, and I've got nothing
to show for it but a lesson learned, now I'm on the task of regaining my
retirement & seeing to it that I can retire properly on time. Be glad you've
got that task checked off. Your retirement won't be in poverty. There's one
thing for your gratitude list. A big thing. To me at least.

Perspective is your only problem. Volunteer at a homeless shelter or a soup
kitchen for a month maybe, see what some people are living like. When I was
homeless it sucked, now when I get out of perspective I can remember it & just
be glad to have my apartment- then I feel better.

~~~
rolledover
Yes, it's definitely a case of Maslow's hierarchy. I am thankful and grateful,
and actually think of it every day, and let other people know that I love them
and are grateful for them. But I have this great fear that I will never be
successful. I will never figure it out. I will never make it happen. And
that's really all I want right now. I just want to make something happen. It
would be great to have 100's of millions, but honestly, if I could just
support myself by something I created myself (not some job), I think I would
cry tears of joy. I just feel like it's impossible right now. I guess I should
go try to do the impossible so if I fail, at least it was something really
hard. That will take some of the pressure off.

~~~
cdvonstinkpot
Don't react out of emotion & set yourself up for failure now though.

------
mik3y
I would suggest you talk to someone about this in person. I'm guessing you
have many friends and family that are proud of and would dream to have your
level accomplishments.

I've got a bit of savings but didn't co-found Instagram either. I also have
many smart, extremely talented friends who, in their 30s, are _finally_ debt
free. Or not even. Suddenly things don't seem bad at all. You have a freedom
and flexibility that is decades away (at best) for many people, not just
starving third world strangers.

Perspective helps, and yours might be dominated by dreams of getting richer
rather than something more productive. The reality might be that even if you
reach some certain number that you think would satisfy you _now_ , you might
just find something else to be dissatisfied with. Still not as rich as the
next guy.

I understand what you're feeling. A few things help keep me in check:

One, mentally treat "want" as a toxic impulse (like, say, overindulging in
fast food). It's perfectly fine to have goals and drive, but don't let them
get so out of hand as to consume you.

Two, imagine luminaries in your field and compare their accomplishments to
wealth. I'm sure Vint Cerf and Linus Torvalds live comfortably -- but are not
billionaires. But look how many have ridden off of their accomplishments.
Wealth != societal worth.

Three, read the (apocryphal?) quote about Heller and "enough".

Finally, do talk to someone in person. I didn't know "imposter syndrome" was a
thing until someone told me, for example. Talking can help in unexpected ways.

~~~
rolledover
I am ashamed to admit that the main reason I want this much money is because I
have always been treated like I am not good enough by my parents. He is
somewhat wealthy, and I feel very unaccomplished and useless compared to him.
I guess I haven't given much thought to it, but the fantasy of having 100's of
millions, having my own jet, and being able to prove to them and their friends
that they were wrong about me, seems to be the central reason for wanting to
have this amount of money. I hate it that I can't do anything for them that
they can't already do for themselves. I hate it that they treat me like less
of a person because I have not been successful. I get a poisonous taste in my
mouth just thinking about it. It makes me really angry, but mostly at myself
for not figuring something out by now.

------
jacques_chester
You sound like you have depression.

Depression is treatable. See a doctor as soon as possible.

Pick up the phone.

Right now.

Pick up the phone and call a doctor. Make an appointment. For today if
possible.

Right now.

Once you've done that, call a help line. Immediately.

Depression is treatable. You are not alone. It can and does get better. There
is no need to suffer.

~~~
rolledover
I've been depressed in some form or fashion since I was in high school. I'm
not sure if it's because my life has been a massive failure, or because I
actually am chemically lacking. I've seen horror stories of people who have
taken anti-depressive drugs, and half of my family is on them. I think some
cognitive therapy would be useful, but I really hope I don't need medicine. I
don't even take advil if I can help it. I would honestly be terrified of
telling any doctor something like that. I live in TX, and have very little
trust for most of the doctors I have seen in my life. They all have agendas.

~~~
jacques_chester
I've been depressed on and off for my entire life. Treatment was simple and a
revelation. For the first time in my life I could simply _be_ , without having
to _fight to be_.

No more treading water ... in treacle.

Really, see a doctor. It's the best and most important decision you'll ever
make.

~~~
rolledover
When you say treatment, do you mean medicine? I am really fearful of taking
meds for this. But I do feel like I have to fight every single day just to be.
Everything feels impossible, and I am completely overwhelmed and dismal.

~~~
jacques_chester
Medicine is not the only option. Psychological therapy can help.

Both is better than either alone.

The medicine is not a cure. But it relieves the condition sufficiently that
you will be able to catch your breath and get the space and time necessary to
work on therapy as well.

------
DanBC
Be careful with financial decision. Do not give away all your money. Poor
people can also feel worthless.

Consider volunteering. Many local organisations need people. You could do
something that uses all your tech skills, but you may find it useful to do
something that is just work; shifting boxes or somesuch.

Moving abroad would be a brilliant experience, but please do so carefully.
Please do not "burn your bridges". It's good that you can see that there are
ways out of the situation that you are in, but it's gently concerning that the
methods you're using are destructive.

As others have said, consider Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. (Or other good
quality therapies.) These can be self applied from books ("Mind Over Mood") or
Websites (MoodGym
([https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome](https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome)) )
or via therapists.

And if you really want to give some cash away I have an Amazon wishlist ;-)

~~~
rolledover
This community truly has amazing people in it. Thank you for the
recommendations, I will be using those sources asap.

------
nicholas73
1.5 million dollars or what? Right out of school, meaning either stock option
windfall or trading windfall. So you don't really feel like you earned it.

DO NOT BLOW THIS MONEY. For 99.99999% of people this is a lifetime of labor,
if that. You think it's easy to make money - think again. Whatever dollar
amount you think you need to feel good about yourself, it's NOT WORTH THE RISK
OF LOSING THIS. Then you'll definitely be suicidal. It's infinitely harder to
start from the bottom because you'll have to work just to cover fixed costs.

Don't touch the money at all. Put it all away. Let it generate some income to
live on. Then think about your life. You will need time. You will need to
confront your past, and your parents.

Read James Altucher. He went through the same thing, blew all his money and
back again.

DO NOT RISK THIS MONEY. It is freedom money. More money doesn't help you any
more than this the level for freedom.

------
wturner
This post has to be someones idea of satire. (Assuming it's not) If you have
the social intelligence to make this kind of money you definitely have the
social intelligence to build something to do good in the world and get
"really" rich. I'm the working american unemployed poor at the moment. I've
been trying to build something of "my own" for quite a while and can't get my
head around the social confusion to save my life. Here's an idea for you. See
if you can make a simple online project that generates a profit. Seriously.
Just see if you can make something that generates a profit. No VC money, no
complicated bloated bureaucratic outside help. Just you researching and
experimenting ... and a terminal. If you can do that, and coupled with the
resources you have, you could seriously be dangerous. But I still think this
post is a leg pull.

------
jeeb
And here I was thinking that the 10k I managed to save up in 3 years at my
current job was a lot. But then again, most of my friends are either in school
or unemployed, so from a different perspective, it actually is quite a lot.

------
mjmcb3
You seem to have imbibed a particular economic myth, and are now choking on
its very prominent bones. Very few of us are destined to have even $1 million
of disposable income in our hands at any one time. Making big bucks is
primarily a combination of luck and the willingness to embrace risk.

Richard Branson is a rare example of a self-made billionaire; he started in
the 1970s and leveraged his small investments into larger ones. But make no
mistake, he took substantial risks; he could easily have lost the lot, like so
many others did. The only reason we have heard of him is because he was the 1
in 1000 who made it.

The failure rate for small businesses, online or not, is 99%. Only 1 in 100
business survive beyond five years, and many do not even make it beyond the
first. The key message from those who did make it is to ask around, workshop
your ideas, to share and not hide your ideas; let others help you to success.
The Australian entrepreneur Dick Smith [not a billionaire, but certainly a man
with 'fuck you' money] asked lots of successful business people for tips, and
found [to his surprise] that they were always willing to offer advice and to
share their tips for success.

Very few people know anything about starting a business, let alone something
entrepreneurial. As others here have said, reach out to the people around you.
Find people with that experience, ask them what they learned, including the
mistakes. Given the right approach, they will love to bore the pants off you
with their war stories.

------
osivertsson
I have worked and studied the same time as you have, and have nowhere near
that amount of money. And I'm fine with it.

I've had co-workers very focused on money, with their aim in life being to get
rich. Rich to allow them to get even richer, and then filthy rich, and then,
...then the magic happens and life will be a bliss. They just have to get more
money first.

Compared to the rest of our world you have a lot of money. Don't let the
pursuit for more money stop you from living your life fully. You are young and
there is so much you can spend your _time_ on.

With your money you have the opportunity to travel and see, hear, smell, feel,
and taste this world directly with your own senses! A luxury to expand your
intellect not given to many of this world. Take your time in places and don't
just visit the biggest cities, stay in hostels here and there to get away from
the sterile, always-the-same, hotel experience. Yes, some experiences will
probably be awful but at least you will have a story to tell!

That said, talk to someone first to help you get started. There are good
therapists available. Counseling made a big difference for some friends of
mine when they were able to break a bad, self-reinforcing pattern of thinking,
and get a new more healthy perspective.

~~~
rolledover
Where can I find good therapists? I really don't know who I can trust. After a
couple bad run in's, I really don't know who to talk to. If you told me you
knew a good guy in Cali, I would leave tomorrow. I'm honestly that desperate
to get this figured out and done with so I can focus on building things that I
want.

Also, I think I will do some traveling while staying in hostels. Thank you.

~~~
osivertsson
Well, I'm in Sweden and my friends, being swedish citizens, have gotten CBT
through the swedish healthcare system. That would not apply to you, but should
you want to talk to an english-speaking therapist in Sweden I just found this:

[http://www.forwardtherapy.se/](http://www.forwardtherapy.se/)

I have no affiliation with him whatsoever, and can't know if he'll be better
or worse than your previous encounters with therapists. But might be worth a
shot to try a therapist not in Texas with another background.

~~~
rolledover
Haha, that site is still trying to load 3 minutes later. Is there a contact
number listed? Maybe I can speak with him on Skype and see what the deal is.
Thanks for this though.

~~~
osivertsson
+46 8 559 22 636

[...] leave a message with your name and phone number. I try to return all
calls within 24 hours except on weekends.

------
ikhahmedov
Take a rest and pick up one book, read it. My advise maybe not tech-related
but it helps. I would recommend Qur'an. Yes, it is Muslims book and so I am.
Don't be afraid to read it, I am 100% sure that what's in Qur'an will help
you. You need hope, you will get it, you need change, you will get it. At
least you will know what is Islam. I wish you the best.

------
bsaul
You forget that if 8 companies out of 547 make it, eventhough those are
supposed to be bright mind, means intelligence and skills are probably not the
only factors.

You may reach the conclusion that intuition and luck are also a big part of
the game. So there's nothing else to do but see for yourself and try.

------
praguebakerr
So why you don't simply enjoy your life as it is ? If you will push hard
towards your financial plans and dreams maybe you will find in 20 years you
are just old man with a lot of money or you will be broken (e.g. next
financial crisis, war, deadly illness etc...).

~~~
rolledover
I think I would need to see a psychologist in order for that to happen. I'm
very angry and sad at myself, I feel like I have contributed nothing to the
world, and I never will.

~~~
CyberFonic
You definitely should see a good therapist.

For one thing, having $1.5m is a great accomplishment. I think you are
suffering from a first world problem and comparing yourself with successful
entrepreneurs.

Give some of your money to a worthwhile cause and work there as a volunteer
one day a week for a year. Then you will have made a _worthwhile
contribution_.

Open your eyes and look at the problems that needs solving. Choose one and go
for it!

~~~
rolledover
I've tried speaking with some therapists with no luck. I wish someone could
recommend someone to me. I don't care if they are in Hong Kong, I would leave
tomorrow. Everyone always tells me I need therapy, but no one knows of a
decent therapist. The ones I have spoken with have no clue, it makes me cringe
to imagine dealing with that again. Plus, they only want to talk to you for an
hour. So you are stuck with 1 hour per day to make changes, it's a nightmare.

------
llamataboot
95% chance of troll but whatever. Yes, find a good therapist. Compassion for
your suffering. On the other hand 1.5 million is more money than the majority
of Americans will make in their life, combined. Could try giving it all away?

------
pearjuice
What if I would tell you money is not the purpose of life?

~~~
rolledover
I feel like right now I don't have a purpose, or really care to have one. I
guess I'm pretty angry at myself.

------
chrisphonk
>I can't just accept that I'm going to be one of the lower class the rest of
my life

Money won't change that.

~~~
rolledover
touche, I didn't mean it in that way by any means. I should have used
different wording, you're right.

------
hello_newman
"I went to school for 4 years and worked for 7.5 all to save up about 1.5
million"

Ok, good start. Savings are very important to have. But, don't forget, 1.5
million is A LOT of money. Even if you were saving 100k a year, you would have
to do that for 15 years! And remember, that's just saving money.

"I probably would have about 2.5 million if I didn't try to live like a badass
for a while."

By badass, I am thinking you mean living excessively? That is not only harmful
on your pocketbook, but also on your mental health. It is a very superficial
lifestyle. I am assuming you may mean alcohol, drugs(?), women, stupid parties
etc. It's good you realized it is unwise to live like that.

"I've always thought I would be rich and have over 100 million dollars. I see
now that it is going to be impossible. I saw pg's post, and it made me
suicidal"

Well, your life is not over. Nothing in this world is impossible. Just because
you read PG's post, doesn't mean anything. As cheesy as it sounds, when the
going gets tough, the tough get going. If you really do want that much money,
wealth, and power, it does not come easy. You have to work for it.

"All the brightest minds in the world (of which I am not) with all the help in
the world (which I don't have) who actually went to school for this stuff
(which I did not), are STILL not able to make things work, except for a select
few. 8 companies out of 547?"

The best example I have of this, happens to be this article;
[http://techcrunch.com/2013/04/06/how-i-started-
zerocater/](http://techcrunch.com/2013/04/06/how-i-started-zerocater/) it was
on the front page a while back

And as for the last part of your post; don't give up. Nothing in this world
worth having is easy. Don't think that successful people were handed their
successes on silver platters while they were puffing their cigars wrapped in
hundred dollar bills. Sure, there are exceptions, but pretty much everyone
else who is successful and has "fuck you money" had to work their ass off to
get it.

It is your job, as an entrepreneur, to make it happen. Successful people to
have to fail way more than normal people to get to where they want to go. I am
not trying to kick you while you are down but the way I see it, is you have
two choices; realize that you don't have what it takes to accomplish your
goals and dreams, give up, and do something else. Or, see that although your
goals are lofty, they are NOT impossible. It will take time, effort, blood,
sweat, tears, a lot of sleepless nights, and a little bit of luck to get
there. But that's just the thing; you just might end up accomplishing those
goals.

Hang in there. Go for a walk. Call some friends and catch a movie or grab a
beer. Stay humble, stay hungry, and get back to work. You can do it.

~~~
rolledover
Thank you. I think I do need pain. I want pain, I am tired of sitting here
idle. I honestly don't mind dying, I have figured that much out. Hopefully
that will make me dangerous at some point. I honestly don't care much to live
past 60, so maybe that is an advantage.

~~~
hello_newman
Pain is good to have in entrepreneurship. Entrepreneurship is kind of like
being a "starving artist"; you have to get off on suffering and just know in
your gut that everything will work out.

I, personally, wouldn't go as far as "dying", but if it works for you to
channel your energy like that than more power to you. And remember, you will
accomplish your goals, so once you are rich your golden years (60+) become the
best because your rich as fuck and you can do whatever you want.

If you ever need someone to talk to, my email is on my profile. Keep your head
up. Stay strong.

------
tls
relevant:
[https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=5390138](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=5390138)

~~~
rolledover
Thanks for this, it's helped me gain some perspective about my situation.

