
How Bad Is It to Forget Someone's Name? - walterbell
https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2018/10/im-sorry-whats-your-name-again/572614/?single_page=true
======
mhale
I'm pretty bad at remembering names, but my wife and I have worked out a
system. If we're in a social setting together and I start to introduce her
"have you met my wife..." she will jump in and introduce herself directly to
the other person "hi, I'm Colleen...", which prompts the other person to
directly introduce themselves to her (and thus taking me off the hook). As a
result, if someone is introducing me to someone else, I tend to do the same
thing -- hijack the introduction and introduce myself directly -- just in the
case the person making the introduction needs an assist. Of course, if they've
already greeted the other person by name, then no need.

~~~
mygo
In my college days we were brutally honest when we had forgotten someone’s
name. It was such a large school that if you simply stepped outside every day
you met someone new all the time, one way or another. Many people you would
only meet once and then never see them again. So it was common to hear some
version of “It’s good to see you again! Sorry I haven’t gotten your name down
yet, I remember you but I’ve got to meet someone like 5 times before their
name sticks” and it was no big deal because the other person would say the
same thing back.

I like to think that in the real world being honest about forgetting someone’s
name doesn’t hurt, but then again remembering someone’s name is way more
impressive.

~~~
code_duck
This is a much better tactic than the worst thing you can do, which is pretend
you know and then use a wrong name. I lost a decent retail account by calling
an owners friend ‘Ashley’ when she was really ‘Melissa’ when I met them at a
party 3 months after initially meeting them at a trade show.

~~~
asknthrow
Harsh. I've seen this happen many times and on every occasion it's been taken
light-heartedly/no offence/whatever. I think you were incredibly unlucky.

~~~
code_duck
Yes, these individuals turn out to be rather snobby, you could say. Not people
I’d endorse as friends or business partners on a personal level, but, it’s
business and it’s worth knowing how to not lose customers, even if not means
coddling them.

------
njharman
That was mostly about forgetting people. Not about forgetting their names.
Very different.

I rarely forget someone. I also rarely remember their name, even after being
told it multiple times. When I meet people I totally tune out when they say
their name, partially cause I'm socially nervous, but also my mind is jumping
ahead thinking about interesting things/questions, like what they do or the
meaning of their t-shirt slogan. I just don't find names interesting
themselves... They're just labels. And labels don't matter, they things being
labeled do.

But there is also some sort of mental block, like a brain stutter, going on.
Cause I often(like 1/2 month) can't bring to my lips names of best friends,
people I've known years interact with weekly if not daily. It's usually only a
few seconds or a minute before I can get their name. But, it's weird and low-
level worries me.

~~~
Micoloth
If it's of any help, everything you just said exactly applies to me as well,
in exactly the same way you said it.

Spared me from writing this comment I guess, lol

~~~
_jal
Ditto. I'm awful with names and much of what the grandparent wrote applies to
me.

Couple of things that sometimes help, thought not as much as I wished they did
-

In meetings, I have a notepad out and write them down. Or ask for business
cards. Sometimes with cards I can't remember which belonged to whom, but it
narrows the possibilities way down, at least.

Sometimes if I can quickly think of someone else I know with the same name, it
will anchor it a bit for me. Without repetition I'll just forget it later, but
it gets me through a conversation.

------
iambateman
I forget and “re-meet” people regularly.

A few years ago, I picked up a habit I saw Michelle Obama use: she says “nice
to see you” instead of “nice to meet you.”

The phrase feels warm and appropriate to new folks, but keeps the ones I’ve
met before from feeling forgotten.

~~~
BurpIntruder
I go with, "What's your name again?". When they tell me their first name, I
say, "No sorry, I meant your last name?".

Works every time.

~~~
121789
No it doesn’t. Everyone with a mild bit of common sense knows what you’re
doing

~~~
drb91
What, they refuse to answer? How rude.

~~~
yjftsjthsd-h
As rude as lying to save face?

~~~
drb91
The lie would be for the benefit of the person whose name was forgotten, not
to "save face". From what, forgetting a name? Nothing is more human.

I do agree that to lie at all is a terrible idea.

~~~
PakG1
Now I'm curious. If lying in general is a terrible idea, how does the person
whose name was forgotten benefit, otherwise what makes the terrible lie worth
it?

~~~
drb91
White lies are confusing things.

------
zaroth
Possibly something better discussed with a psychologist, but I’ll throw it out
there.

Often I wonder if “memory” is a skill that I never properly learned. It seems
for me that simply remembering an arbitrary past event in any significant
detail isn’t really possible.

Only if it’s a story I’ve retold on several occasions (and likely by now as
much fiction as non) am I able to retain a firm grasp on a particular past
event.

Forgetting names or faces? They slip away almost instantly, and holding onto
them is like trying to carry water across a room in my hands.

Childhood is more like an abstract notion. If asked to write about it,
certainly I remember basic facts but they are as much deduced as they are seen
in my minds eye. A few moments here and there—again, probably stories that I
retold at some point—but mostly anything firmly in long term memory isn’t
really accessible in “true color” like it seems most people can have it.

I presume there’s an anatomical explanation that could become apparent upon
autopsy, although nothing so remarkable as to alert on a full body MRI.

Then again, I can remember code that I wrote 15 years ago. Not exactly line
for line, but when I’ve had the occasion to revisit old code, it’s as if I
never left it.

Again it seems to come down to creation versus observation. Observations which
aren’t actively re-encoded just end up in /dev/null to a great extent for me.

My wife says I’m blissfully ignorant, and it certainly seems to have served me
quite well as a coping mechanism. Hard to carry a grudge when it just doesn’t
occur to you how angry you were about something last month.

I’m not even sure it’s something I’d want to “fix” even if I could, except
perhaps the names and faces thing.

~~~
sdrothrock
I've noticed this in myself as well, especially with changes in context.

When I lived in my hometown (until I was 16), memories were always vibrant --
I suppose kept alive by constant association.

After I moved away to college, I gradually started forgetting things from my
hometown, even things as recent as my high school years.

After graduating from college, I moved to the countryside in Japan. I found
that I started forgetting things about my college years -- even people I hung
out with fairly regularly. As for things from my high school or junior high
years? Forget about it.

Six years ago I moved to Tokyo; the context change has apparently been enough
that I'm forgetting a lot of things about my time in the countryside.

I've always attributed it to a combination of a lack of importance (that is, I
consciously or subconsciously decide certain people just aren't important
enough to commit to memory) and a lack of associative cueing. Out of all the
people I knew in college, I only talk to two -- and them rarely. I don't talk
to anyone from high school or before then at all.

------
satysin
I am lucky in that I am very good with names and faces. I don't know why but I
can meet someone once for a brief conversation and remember key points (job,
family, where they are from, etc) of the conversation without having to try
and still recall that information many years later.

The strangest example of this is when I was in a coffee shop in London a
couple of years ago and instantly recognised a man in the queue with me as
someone I met in an airport over 10 years ago and had a 5 minute (max)
conversation with. I remembered his name, that he had a new born son and his
sons name, that the birth had been stressful and he was going to take longer
off than his planned two weeks so his wife could recover, that he worked in
bio-pharmacy research and a few other details.

Needless to say he was pretty shocked and clearly didn't remember me (because
why would you?!) but we ended up chatting in the queue again and he was amazed
I could remember so much detail from an airport conversation. This isn't the
only time it has happened either. It happens more often than I realised until
my wife pointed out my "freak super power". I don't think I have ever thought
of this person after meeting them either. At least not consciously. Yet when I
saw his face in that Costa coffee shop it was like an HD video started playing
in my head of when we met in Charles de Gaulle all those years ago. The brain
is an amazing thing.

Now if only I could channel this "super power" (freakish as it may be) for
good rather than just being the person friends and family look to when they
say "Ohh I recognise that person, what other film/tv show have they been in?"
as I always seem to know the answer.

~~~
zhte415
You remind me of a border-guard.

Waiting in line, he walked up to me. "You are visiting $PLACE" I replied yes,
sweating slightly as the location was thousands of kilometers from this entry
point. "I remember you were working for $COMPANY, are you still there?" Who is
this guy was all I was thinking, do I know him? I'm still in the queue
awaiting immigration. "Can I see your passport?" Border crossing and border
guard. Presenting this and flicking through pages, he smiled widely "See my
badge, I stamped your entry 2 years ago (the stamp had his badge number)". He
walked off happily. I went through routinely. I'd only ever used this entry
once before, that time when seemingly he was behind the immigration desk.

~~~
bdamm
That is truly remarkable. What a nice moment, a human shining through the
bureaucracy. And a smiling immigration agent, which is itself a rare treat.
Thank you for sharing it!

------
jknoepfler
Although remembering people's names is a powerful social tool, you shouldn't
infer from the article that forgetting someone's name (a very common faux pas,
in the title of the article) is tantamount to forgetting having met someone
(the leading "Jerkface" example in the article).

Recognition and recall are two very different things. The article conflates
failures of recognition (X doesn't remember ever meeting Y) with failures of
recall (X doesn't remember Y's name).

------
the-dude
I was bad at names. Until I was reading "How to make friends and influence
people" and went to a talk of Daniel Dennet where he talked about "installing
Apps into your brain".

Most of "How to make friends..." has come naturally to me since I was a child,
except for the names.

So I just started, with Marjolein. After the introduction I turned around and
repeated to myself "this was Marjolein. Marjolein". After a couple of times it
becomes natural.

Being able to call out people by name, showing you remembered their names, is
very powerful.

~~~
canhascodez
I believe studies of note-taking suggest a link between retention and the
physical act of writing. My habit is to imitate writing the person's name on
my palm several times after an important introduction.

In general though, my brain is not optimized for this. I rely in no small way
upon having a digital extension to my memory. Usually, not being able to
remember months and years of my life is more of a personal concern than not
being able to remember names or faces. But, it's not clear that the broader
issue is solvable, so I write on my hand, and apologize for the necessity.

~~~
pandler
One of the few things I remember from that one neuroscience class I took in
high school was that the more physical senses you involve in something, the
more likely you are to remember that thing. I think you’re totally right about
writing something down, even if it’s just miming the act of writing.

It’s the same effect, I think, where writing down a reminder means I remember
it even when I lose the reminder note.

~~~
dweekly
I also read it was a good idea to use multiple senses, so now I lick people
when I meet them and they never forget meeting me.

~~~
ddingus
Hey, I chuckled. You just dropped that in here. Nicely done.

------
derefr
I don’t forget people’s names, but I am faceblind. I will remember an
interaction involving me and this person named X—and then that story won’t
come to mind when I see X, unless/until they tell me their name again.

If I never found out the person’s name, then I probably won’t remember them at
all.

The memory is _there_ —I just have no look-up key (where for most people, that
would be the person’s face.)

~~~
MisterOctober
Prosopagnosia sufferer here -- what clues do you use to ID people?

I rely mostly on gait, height /build, dress habit, hair / facial hair, voice.
If someone grows / shaves a beard or gets glasses, I'm pretty hosed. Example :
my own uncle cut his hair and shaved his moustache, I didn't recognize him
until he spoke.

------
clvcooke
The headline indicates that forgetting someone's _name_ is bad, however the
article treats that as forgetting someone entirely. I'm curious what the
impact of the inbetween would be; that is "I remember I've met you before, but
I can't remember your name".

~~~
asdfasgasdgasdg
The article also seems to conflate forgetting appointments with forgetting
facts. I can easily see how if someone forgot an appointment with me, it would
be annoying and damage the closeness of a relationship. I have zero
resentment, however, for someone forgetting my name. I have forgotten people's
names far too many times to get angry over such things.

~~~
stordoff
> I have forgotten people's names far too many times to get angry

Same here. I've forgotten enough names on people, even people I've known for
ten years and deal with on a weekly basis, to be bothered by it. I generally
remember the name some minutes later, but it's often too later by then. I've
never found asking someone for their name ("Dude, I'm sorry, I'm completely
blanking on your name", depending on the formality of the event) to cause any
particular problems.

------
ravenstine
When I've only met someone once or twice and haven't seen them for a while, I
just take my best guess at a name while using my tone of voice and body
language to show that I'm making an effort. I remember faces very well, rarely
forgetting anyone, but I'm not a natural when it comes to names.

I've found that when I make it clear that I remember a person and _want_ to
say their name, they are always very forgiving and any potential awkwardness
is diminished. It also gives the other person an opportunity to try to guess
my name as well! I'd say most people don't remember other people's names on
the first try, and the typical coping mechanism for that is to avoid saying
names all together. To allow myself to stumble also allows _them_ to stumble,
which is a relief to both parties.

This isn't to say that it's better than actually remembering a person's name
from the start, but not remembering a person's name isn't the faux pas a lot
of people believe. It may seems that way because we know how good it feels to
be remembered, and we _want_ to be that person who remembers everyone else's
names, but instead we come up with excuses in our heads to just avoid names as
much as possible.

After such incidents, I almost always remember the other person's name
thereafter because I now have a rapport with them. Rapport is key because,
without it, the garbage collector in our brains chuck out "orphaned" data.
Well, at least mine seems to. But I've gotten much better.

~~~
retsibsi
For what it's worth, I think I significantly prefer "sorry, I know we've met
before, but I've forgotten your name" (with bonus points for 'I remember you
from [x]'), rather than "hi... [wrong name]?"

The first is just straightforwardly honest (and forgetting my name is
completely understandable), whereas the second can feel a bit disrespectful,
though it's hard for me to analyse exactly why. It's not a big deal, and I've
done it myself, but personally I wouldn't recommend guessing unless you're
reasonably confident you'll get it right.

Mostly I think remembering the person is much more important than remembering
the name, anyway. If someone forgets me entirely, that can be hurtful if I
remember having an interesting interaction with them. Even if they remember my
name, that doesn't mean very much if it soon becomes clear that they don't
remember anything from our last conversation. But if you remember me, I don't
much care whether you remember my name.

------
batbomb
I remember faces but not names. I’m sort of the opposite; I won’t engage
because I know I have forgotten the name. This is mostly because names are
arbitrary and usually common “Hi Matt!”

~~~
ghaff
Ditto. And I am much likelier to remember random facts: where they work, where
they live, what type of food they like--than what their name is. I assume it's
because, at some level, my brain is saying this is some arbitrary symbol that
doesn't really matter and I'm not very interested in.

------
saghm
I tend to have a slightly different problem when meeting someone for the
second time; although I'll remember meeting the person before (and usually
recall their name), I'll often not recognize that it's the same person if I
didn't end up talking with them for a long time the first time I met them. I
never realized that I had this issue until freshman year of college, when it
occurred around weekly with various people I met on campus. Like others have
mentioned about forgetting names, I found that simply being honest about it
was the best strategy; people tended to be pretty forgiving of it, especially
since I would able to recall all the details of our previous conversation,
which I could bring up after the person identified who they were. It still
occasionally happens either at work when I met someone new who joined the
company or when meeting someone at a meetup or conference for the second time,
but in many circumstances it actually ends up breaking the ice quite well, as
the other person has forgotten my name.

~~~
l33tbro
I also have a mild degree degree of prosopagnosia (1). I'm constantly
embarrassed by it, but most people are cool about it if you explain. It's the
ones that I might be regularly blanking that I worry about.

(1)
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prosopagnosia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prosopagnosia)

------
andygcook
Moonwalking with Einstein is an interesting book related to this topic. It’s
about Joshua Foer’s journey becoming an American memory champion a few years
back. Some parts delve lightly into remembering people’s names, among other
memory techniques. Was one of Bill Gates suggested reading when it come out
too. If you’re interested in this sort of stuff, I suggest picking it up.

------
grawprog
I used to be really good at remembering names. To the point where sometimes
people i met briefly would get weirder out I remembered their name. As I've
gotten older and met more people I've started forgetting names more often.

I've never really noticed anyone get offended when i've forgotten, thouhg i
guess i don't know their thoughts, and personally I don't get offended when
most people forget my name. I dunno I find after a quick little reintroduction
and then moving on it's usually ok. Heh actually there's a friend of a friend
I see occasionally and we've introduced ourselves to eachother every time.
Technically we've known eachother for years now but it's just how it goes I
guess.

The thing i've actually been bad with is using people's names in conversation.
I don't know why but I used to feel weird saying people's names to them. I've
come to learn though it's a bad habit and most people enjoy hearing their
names.

------
iagooar
There is a cultural aspect to it as well: when I lived in Switzerland, I
noticed, it is very common to use the name of the person in almost every
sentence when referring to another person. Be it greeting, asking something or
leaving the place. I would often times try to mimic it, yet would not be able
to come up with the name of the person fast enough, even though I knew the
name. I guess it's a matter of practice.

------
jacquesm
I meet a lot of people professionally, typically in a single week 10 to 15 new
faces which I need to interact with intensely for a week and then I will most
likely never see them again. So forgetting names is something that happens to
me and my crew all the time.

My personal trick is to ask someone how to spell their name, this usually
works just fine, unless they are called John Smith.

~~~
StillBored
This is me, and I suspect it hurts my career, as I'm lucky to remember the
guy's name two offices over, much less the people who introduced themselves
and we chatted for 5 minutes over a beer the nigh before.

And before you talk about lack of empathy/caring, this happened to me all the
time when I was younger/meeting women. Back then I would forget their name
after about three sentences, so I tried to run a background process "I really
like this girl, her name is $NAME, and it reminds me of $SOMETHING". But
frequently that itself would cause problems as people can detect when you
aren't paying 100% attention to what they are saying..

I suspect some of us, have the perfect genes for survival in the jungle with
our 20 family members. The new large group social skills are something we
can't deal with. So we are being selected out of the pool along with our
killer instincts for other methods of survival. Frequently I wonder if some of
frank Herbert's (there is some more recent similar stuff) science fiction
where the human race is devolving into ant/bee like colonies is where we are
all going.

------
kurthr
It seems like (the stories in) this is more about remembering faces than
names. Prosopagnosia is face blindness which people often mask by matching
hair clothes and other features... while remembering a name or a meeting is
something else. You can be great at one and terrible at the others.

------
stephengillie
Just as some people have great technical aptitude, others (I believe) have
great social aptitude. While memorizing acronyms comes naturally to some,
memorizing faces comes naturally to others. And the other group must work
harder to compensate and keep up.

~~~
watwut
You can also have both or neither. There is no dichotomy between tech aptitude
and social aptitude.

Moreover, there not one tech aptitude, but more like multiple different
aptitudes that makes you more or less suitable for different positions.

~~~
porphyrogene
These categories seem senseless to me. What does remembering a name have to do
with holding a compelling conversation? What does remembering language syntax
have to do with performing quick mental math? If someone has been doing poorly
socially they may tell themself, "I'm a brainy tech person, not some vapid
socialite" or if they are struggling with a difficult technical concept they
may say, "I'm good at talking to people, I'm not a nerd." I think the truth is
that any behavior has a corresponding skill and any skill can be learned.
Which skills come more easily, I believe, are a matter of past experience and
conviction of one's ability to learn that skill rather than a matter of
"giftedness". Licking a wounded ego is tempting and people love to be a part
of some group that bears a shared identity. Doing so, however, doesn't make
you more skilled and likely does the opposite by depriving you of the
conviction that a skill can be learned.

------
tudorconstantin
I don't get upset/disappointed when somebody doesn't remember me, mostly
because I forget way too many people too.

I'm getting happy when somebody remembers me.

Focusing on the positive things in people is a great way to enjoy social
interactions.

------
ddingus
I think it sucks. But, I end up doing it. And I try dammit!

Funny, I can remember all sorts of crazy things. But I will choke on a name.
Frustrating!

And because it happens, despite honest intent to avoid it, I never let anyone
else, who gets stuck with this damn thing, feel bad about it.

Good as it gets. I am sorry in advance.

How else does one play this?

Edit: To the poor, deserving soul forgotten, I usually express some variation
on my frustration expressed here, and let them know I am totally good for a
save, or favor, whatever in return for understanding. Just say the word.

Usually goes well, but some people have trouble getting past it.
Understandable.

(I really hate missing a basic like names. )

------
bm1362
I had a colleague that would make it a habit to greet everyone by name in the
morning. E.g. ‘Goodmorning Dave’, ‘Goodmorning Ben’.

It felt a bit weird at first but overtime him showing up was a point where the
whole team felt connected and would chat about the weekend etc. He was former
military (and would shake your hand if he had the opportunity) and he forced a
bunch of tech people to bond unknowningly.

I kinda do this now, at least when I come into the office if I run into
someone I try to say some type of greeting with their name.

~~~
winrid
I do this. Didn't realize it came off as weird.

~~~
retsibsi
I think it can come across as a bit forced, depending on context. But if it's
natural for you, that will shine through.

------
nicolas_t
I struggle with that because I can't recognize people well. I don't forget
them, once I recognize them or they tell me their name, I usually remember
quite well what they've told me but without context and if they're not wearing
similar clothes to what they usually wear, I just can't recognize friends in
the street.

This has caused me repeated embarrassment and really annoys people.

~~~
2bitencryption
I'm in my mid 20's, and while I remember people from my past, I frequently
forget where I knew them from.

I will talk to high school friends and mention people I knew in college, and
they will say, "Who?" I'll do the same thing with college friends, mentioning
high school friends, forgetting that I knew them from separate places.

And after a year or so goes by of me not having seen someone, I pretty much
have to re-meet them.

------
ogaj
I think the key to these situations is remembering that others are just as
likely to forget your name as you are to forget theirs. Thus, when seeing
someone whose name I've forgotten, I always lead off the conversation by
reintroducing myself (without asking for their name).

This often prompts a reintroduction by the other party and will soothe their
anxiety if they've forgotten your name as well.

------
osrec
My name, being a traditional Hindu name, is a difficult one for non-Hindus to
remember, so it often gives me a get out of jail free card. No one remembers
my name, so can't feel offended if I forget theirs. The fact that I often do
remember people's names means that I'm often the one left feeling a bit
offended (but I don't take much offence anyway).

------
XorNot
I'm not so much bad at names as I am bad at catching them when they're
slightly unusual in pronunciation. The trick to getting around that for me has
just been to make a big deal as to how you say it right upfront which gives me
a chance to say it a few times in a row to get it to stick (also I think adds
more events to the memory which also helps).

------
sroussey
I’ve created enemies by forgetting names. Socialites are unforgiving.

I’ve learn to never ever say “good to meet you” and always say “good to see
you” instead.

Worse, attraction plays a big role, and being married, leads to many
conversations, generally of comedic value at this point. Maybe not the same
conclusion in the early days. But one borne from confidence and time.

------
wry_discontent
I've been listening to the Harmontown podcast a lot recently and I've noticed
that the "comptroller" (host) regularly forgets people's names when they call
them up from the audience. He just asks them again and it seems to be fine.
"What was your name again?"

I've done it a few times and nobody seems to really care.

------
epx
I learnt a trick with the "Schindler's List", that tended to mention
characters with full name - get to know the surname, which helps to memorize
the first name, perhaps because it creates a hash list of ethnic origin inside
the brain?

------
synesso
I remember names until that person is in front of me. Once they've gone away,
I remember it again. It happens all the time. I guess there's a name for this?

------
andy_ppp
Anyone understand why if I get the name twice I’ll remember it forever but
once is maybe 1/100\. And then it’ll have to be an interesting name...

------
cwbrandsma
Some people are good at remember names, some people are not. Some people can
spell, some people cannot. Some people are good at math, some people are not.

Frankly, I find it unnerving if someone I barely met remembers my name. Is
this person stalking me?

Even weirder is when someone just comes up and say "Hi <my name>"...because
they hung out with my brother in high school (he is 6 years older than me) and
remember me simply because I look like him. This has happened twice, both in
my late 30's. Seriously, you aren't supposed to remember people that long.

------
djmips
Is this where you use your AR augmented glasses to surreptitiously recognize
their faces from your face recognition database.

~~~
protomyth
That is the only reason I wanted the glasses, but I seem to remember that use
was banned by Google because of privacy concerns?

------
choot
I've a QR code on my blazer which anyone can use to find the public info about
me.

~~~
riantogo
And you have people walk up to you and point their phone at a specific part of
your body, stare at the screen and away from you while they wait for the info
to load, and then say, “Hi Ted”?

------
choot
Damn these kind of problem are best solved by augmented reality glasses with
face detection or simply some QR code scanner which scans other's glass. Name
can be made public yeaa

------
peter_retief
I never forget a face but often forget a name

------
Pxtl
Depends if you're married to them.

~~~
quickthrower2
For sham marriages, this is a real problem!

