
Ask HN: Did you find it hard to date if you immigrated to US? - eyefye
I am an immigrant. I came to US on h1b visa and work for a top company. 
Only caveat is - I find east and west coast are extremely hard to date women, especially if you are dark skin color.<p>Once I get started, I am pretty funny guy. I guess in US looks matter a lot when everyone around you is 10x handsome.<p>I am in shape and very hygienic kind of guy. But,still its hard to get a match.<p>What are your experiences if you have immigranted to US.
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victork2
Interesting, this is a topic that very rarely get discussed on this website,
but which is probably top of mind for many here.

I am an immigrant myself, I don't think I have anything to complain about, but
it is definitively harder to find a date when you're a guy on the West Coast
(especially Silicon Valley) than on the east coast or anywhere else... If you
are in a place like the Bay Area two things play against you:

* First the gender balance is not in your favor (Not sure how accurate it is, but check that out: [http://visualizing.nyc/bay-area-zip-codes-singles-map/](http://visualizing.nyc/bay-area-zip-codes-singles-map/) ) no matter what, you will have a limited dating pool.

* Second, Silicon Valley tends to be pretty normative and it sometimes can feel like every male in tech fits a defined stereotype, which is not attractive. It's a cliche but it's one that people believe in.

In terms of solutions, I have two beyond maintaining a good physical
appearance. The first one is to cultivate a real and genuine personality and
find a way to let it shine by not being shy and unafraid to show who you are
(haters be damned). The second one is to truly work on being OK being alone
and single!

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tacostakohashi
If you're on an H1-B, then you're a nonimmigrant, not an immigrant.

Anyway, I'm a nonimmigrant too. I found dating a little harder than in other
places, but I put it down to being in a city with a _lot_ of options, high
achievers, so people can afford to be picky. I ended up with another foreigner
- there are plenty of those around too.

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wtbob
I imagine that it's mostly that folks like folks who are similar to them:
similar philosophies, similar religions, similar classes, similar incomes,
similar families, similar physical types, similar habits &c. The unfortunate
thing for you is that much of America is dissimilar to you. That says nothing
wrong about you (or about much of America) — it's just a fact.

It's tough for anyone who's outside the norm (again, no fault attached). You
might have some success looking for others who are similarly dissimilar.
Perhaps there are meetups for expats from your region of the world in your
city?

Good luck!

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tn13
I recommend you read the book Dale's How to Make Friends and Roosh V's "Bang".

Dating game in USA is different from that of India as women essentially judge
on 100 paramters if say and Indian/Chinese woman might judge you on 10
parameters. Also USA does not have the kind of inequality other nations have
it is perfectly possible that the hot girl you meet is merely a waitress at
Danny's.

Silicon Valley is useless as there are very few women here and among most
women out there dating they are over-aged. I suggest you make trips to places
where there is higher density of liberal arts colleges.

Remember dating is like salesmanship. If you are ugly you might have to
approach 70 women to score 1 compared to a blue eyed white guy. But remember
that with each failed attempt you will hone your various others skills and you
will eventually beat the blue eyed guy like whipped cream! :)

Good luck.

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zeeshanm
Looks do matter but they only get you so far. What's more important is how you
carry the conversation. You can make up for pretty much everything if you are
good with words.

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Arizhel
Well to be honest there's a lot of difficulties in dating foreigners. Aside
from the skin-color aspect, you've got several things working against you:

1) this is probably the biggest one: different culture. I've dated a couple of
foreign women (still am dating one), and the culture difference is definitely
an issue. It's a lot to ask someone to just ignore it or put up with it; not
everyone is prepared for that or wants to invest the energy needed, or deal
with the inevitable issues. Some things to consider here: a) how good is your
command of English? (And be realistic here; I've noticed a lot of Indians in
particular think their English is great, but from an American perspective it
really isn't, with a lot of odd phrasings, odd use of words, etc.) The accent
is also an issue. b) How will your family take it? That's a really big issue
I've found with people from other cultures: they're young and all into dating
interracially, but their parents are completely against it, and that makes
things very difficult. That doesn't mean we Americans never have family issues
like this (we definitely do), but it's a lot less likely, especially if you're
dating within your socioeconomic group (e.g. two white non-religious liberals
aren't likely to have serious family issues when they try to get married). c)
What kind of food do you like? Not many Americans are going to want to date
someone who insists on eating their native food all the time, and never wants
to eat a burger or pizza or whatever. There's a bunch more issues under this
category, which can make it very hard to live with someone. Dating someone
who's different and exotic can be fun, but after you get over the newness and
novelty, and start thinking about having a serious relationship and moving in
together, these issues will manifest and can break up the relationship. This
kind of thing happens with Americans dating Americans too, but with someone
from a very different culture you're at a huge disadvantage already, and
anyone who's thinking long-term is going to think about this.

2) Looks. It's not just racism; different people are attracted to different
types of people and looks. A lot of white men, for instance, are very
attracted to far-east Asian women, but not black women. Some people from
certain ethnic groups just seem to be more attractive to people from other
ethnic groups than people from certain other ethnic groups. Another big factor
here, though, is height: this is a lot easier for foreign women than men,
because men don't usually care so much if a woman is shorter, but women almost
always want to date men who are taller than themselves. Foreign men who aren't
from western Europe are going to be at a huge disadvantage here because white
American women tend to be rather tall. Finally, what kind of women are you
pursuing? White, black, Hispanic? You'll probably have far more success with
black women if you have darker skin, but have a good job. Hispanic women might
also be interested: they tend to be rather short so a man who isn't really
tall can still be taller than them. Sometimes men who are a little lacking in
the looks department (but not too much) can compensate with a really great
personality that wins over a woman, but that's not easy, esp. if you're trying
to meet women online rather than at in-person events.

3) Immigration status. You said you have an H1-B visa. This is already a big
red-flag, because it means you're neither a citizen, nor a permanent resident
alien ("green card"). You can be deported at almost any time really,
especially if something goes badly at your job. How many women really want to
date a guy who may or may not be around long-term? If you were a permanent
resident, you'd probably have an easier time, though it's hard to say how
much.

It really sounds to me like you want to date women casually, rather than
looking for a marriage partner; maybe I'm wrong about that. There's plenty of
women who like to do that, but those women tend to be both young, and shallow.
They're not likely to be interested in someone who isn't extremely attractive
to them. I think a lot of foreigners have a perception, probably because of
Hollywood, that American women are "easy". This isn't really true. It's true
for a certain subset of them, but they're going to be divided into two groups:
young women who want a really hot-looking guy to show them a good time (80% of
American men who pursue them don't even meet this bar), and desperate women
who you probably wouldn't be interested in anyway (fat, ugly, self-esteem
problems, etc.). You're not going to hook up with some hot 26 year old woman
who's a 9/10 if you're not also a 9/10.

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aaight
I am from here, so I can't give you relevant experiences, but your question
leaves a lot out. What is dating like where you came from before, and what was
your success rate there, and what aspects of a relationship do you consider to
be "success"? Is your goal a short term relationship or a long term one? Are
you measuring your disappointment against what you are used to or what you
imagined it would be like here or what you see? Specifically what I'm thinking
is, when western women travel to Arab countries or to India (or many other
places) where the sexual mores are more conservative, their behavior might be
considered "promiscuous" by local standards. Are you judging women here on a
basis that they seem to be available and they are not interested?

Or, are you dark skinned but come from places in Europe where you feel more
integrated socially and you feel less integrated here? You could have moved
from a more liberal place to a more conservative one. Are there other people
here from your country here that you could ask how they are doing, or are you
simply looking for the magic formula here because it looks to you like the
people around you are dating and you want in on it too? We have many skin
colors here, with many cultures represented, have you tried socializing with
enough different groups here?

I'm not judging, I just wouldn't know where to begin answering your question
if I had the relevant information. I'll tell you this, women here who care
about "top companies" probably also care about other social status signs, and
they might not consider most foreigners to have the social status they would
be seeking, so you may be trying to appeal to the wrong groups in the wrong
way. I'm not judging them either.

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aisofteng
This sort of post is not what HN is for. Find dating and sef help advice
elsewhere.

(This comment comes from an immigrant to the US.)

~~~
bootload
_" This sort of post is not what HN is for."_

If the poster finds this ^interesting^, why not? Within the bounds of HN. Not
interested? don't read it.

