

Ask HN: Socially very rusty .. how to fix things ? - sociallyinept

Hello HN'ers,<p>Recently I realized that during the past couple of years, due to various reasons (working a lot/ working remotely/working at places where I hated my job and was perenially bored/didn't want to talk to co-workers most of the time, etc,) I didn't have much face-to-face human interaction. Also, due to being very unhappy at work, I didn't feel like doing anything and that affected my personal life leading to little social interaction there. As a result, I have lost almost all my social skills.<p>Now, I find myself in a position where I am hesitant to talk to people and am afraid of social situations. This creates a vicious cycle where I don't get out much, which only serves to make the situation worse.<p>Have you been in a similar situation ? How did you get out of it ? Any advice for me ? How can I get a normal social life ?<p>Many thanks!
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bluemetal
Personally I find that being comfortable in my location really helps. As in I
can be one charming man when I am at home, or at this coffee shop I always
visit - but less so in new places.

Another thing I've noticed is how much easier it is to talk to someone once
you've seen them trip up somehow (like forgetting a word or dropping their
phone), I guess it's to do with perceiving status relative to your own. And
it's only a matter of time before that person who seems intimidating does
something silly/humanizing, see if you can wait it out.

Also look out you don't make things worse while you try to make them better,
jumping in too deep too fast and panicking can play havoc with your fight or
flight response - don't accidentally condition yourself to run by packing up
and leaving every time the bar gets crowded or something. Try riding it out
instead (at least just once).

All of this comes from my experiences moving from highschool, where I had
gotten into a rut, to university where I had to start over. And from talking
to some family friends who work as counselors. As always take random internet
advice like my own with a grain of salt.

Goodluck!

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pgbovine
find social situations where you can bond over shared interests or things ...
e.g., if you're really into Linux IT or something, then find local Linux IT
meet-ups. you have a lot better chance bonding with people over shared
interests than simply trying to chat up strangers at a bar or university

EDIT: or get involved in activities involving other people, but without an
explicit goal of socializing. e.g., doing volunteer work to help out in your
local community. the socializing opportunities will naturally arise, since you
and your co-volunteers will be able to bond over your shared experiences of
doing good for others. and in the worst-case, even if you don't mesh well with
these people, at least you will still have succeeded in donating your time to
do some good

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pinchyfingers
Put yourself though a socializing boot camp. Go out and force yourself into
awkward and uncomfortable social situations. Put a couple hours a day into
practicing conversation skills. Try to get strangers to be genuinely
interested in you.

While you are doing this, be aware of the type of self-talk that you engage in
and be sure to keep yourself pumped up with positive feelings. Smile and
assure yourself of your desirability and confidence.

Practice, practice, practice, and don't make any excuses.

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dot
Where are these bootcamps?

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tonyarkles
It's a regimen that you need to apply yourself. It's good to keep in mind
that, so long as you don't do anything totally outrageous, there is really no
possibility of physical harm by going out and trying to socialize. You might
get a bit of a bruised ego, but it's all part of learning.

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thereddestruby
Carnegies "How to win friends" could be of help. It's something every engineer
should read.

