
It's not too late for slow parenting - LeonidBugaev
https://leonsbox.com/its-not-too-late-for-slow-parenting-5e4734b64fb3
======
pgrote
I am in unique position as a parent. We have a 26 year old, 8 year old and 3
year old. We never tried to stop having kids, but all of the sudden we found
ourselves pregnant when the oldest was 18. Then, a complete surprise when the
last one came along.

When the 26 year old was born I was hyperfocused on getting her involved in
everything. We signed her up for tons of stuff, exposed her to many things and
we were continually going. I coached her in soccer and basketball, my wife
taught her things like sewing and home maintenance. She's now an RN and
working in a hospital.

Sounds good, right?

In our rush to expose her to so much, we overlooked the simple premise that
she should do what interests her. She didn't graduate from college until 25
due to her inability to stick with things. I am so proud of her since she is
the most caring person I know, but part of me knows we failed her by forcing
her into so many different activities through her childhood. She felt she
could try something and quit, try something else, quit. Rinse. Repeat.

Our youngest 2 kids aren't forced to do things they don't want to do. We ask
them if there is interest and if there is we sign them up. If not, we don't.
We've eliminated TV and limit kindle screen time and spend so much more time
with them than we did the oldest. Honestly, I don't know if there are
differences yet, but I do know the younger kids seem to find more things to do
on their own.

Part of me thinks it might depend on the kid, but I am convinced parents
forcing their children into so many activities hinders them in the long run.

~~~
stinkytaco
I also suffer from an inability to stick with things, but that has nothing to
do with being overexposed. We were poor, so I did very few activities. It's
entirely possible it's nothing to do with you, but just her personality.

------
rand_r
It's hard to know what the right thing to do, but young kids have an immense
advantage that they'll quickly lose: the ability to learn really fast.

A couple of examples:

If you don't start playing soccer really young, you will never be able to
catch up to someone who did.

A child can easily become fluent in two languages if they're immersed from a
young age. Learning a second language once you're past 20 is _hard_.

It would be shame to waste potential.

~~~
jlj
> If you don't start playing soccer really young, you will never be able to
> catch up to someone who did.

Why would they need to catch up to anyone? I'd rather have my child love the
game or hobby than cram every waking moment into some activity. The ability to
hear yourself think and actively listen to others is more important imho.
There is so much noise in US culture telling kids who they should measure up
to. As a parent I feel I need to be the counter balance to those messages.

There are also plenty of examples of professional sports players who started
in their teens. "Google <sports league> late start."

~~~
djloche
>Why would they need to catch up to anyone?

Sometimes a game isn't fun when you're matched with and against people far
above your skill level. You feel like you bring the whole team down, and you
feel like you cannot win no matter how much training and effort you put in.

be it playing soccer in high school or videogames like overwatch...

~~~
JustSomeNobody
There aren't other teams?

------
codegeek
My wife and I argue over this all the time. She wants the kids to enroll in
soccer, swimming and what not, all at the ripe age of 2+. I have been like
"whats the hurry. Let them grow up naturally and we can always do those
things". I guess it is a difficult topic but there is never really a right
answer.

~~~
dripton
I put swimming lessons in a different category than other activities, because
being able to swim can save you from drowning. (Whether 2 is the right age for
your kid, I don't know. But I'd like to see all kids get them at some point. I
got them in elementary school, during the school day, and I think that was a
fantastic use of tax dollars and school time.)

My wife and I were not big activity pushers. Besides the swimming lessons that
I insisted on for safety reasons, our kid did some gymnastics, and some music
lessons. Didn't really like either, and we let her stop doing both.

~~~
codegeek
I agree. Swimming is definitely a must for me too. It is just that I wasn't
sure if we need to start that early.

~~~
SCHiM
In the Netherlands it's almost mandatory, and almost every parent takes their
children to swimming lessons. I started learning when I was perhaps 3 or 4
years old.

It's not only good for the kid, it's fun too. I fondly remember the Saturday
mornings of my early childhood as the best time of the week, because I got to
spend my morning swimming in the pool. By the time I was eight or nine years
old I was a proficient swimmer and the visits to the pool stopped :/

------
ced
_Moreover what your full-grown kid would do at school, if you already taught
him reading, counting, talking in foreign languages, practicing yoga and kung
fu and playing the violin?_

My uni physics professor had similar fears about his child, so he didn't teach
him as much as he could have. I'm curious to hear from other parents on HN
about this. It seems like a valid concern. At the same time, I didn't enjoy
the traditional school system at all, and I'm glad that there are alternative
schools where a child can learn at the speed he wants, whether fast or slow.

[http://www.etreetdevenir.com/EED.en.html#Accueil](http://www.etreetdevenir.com/EED.en.html#Accueil)

~~~
timthorn
Hence why many home school.

------
Adutude
I have two children and I am now a grandparent. I have to agree that there is
no hurry. Too often parents get caught up in comparing their children to the
"Norm". Truth is that they all have their own schedule, and they are all
different. In my opinion, you and your children will lead a much happier, more
well adjusted life, if you let your kids set their own pace. Enjoy every
moment and step along the way, don't try to make it go faster, childhood is
very fleeting.

------
joshuaheard
I have always viewed my role as a parent as setting the boundaries of
behavior, and providing a nourishing environment, within which the child could
grow and develop on their own, slow or fast, with subtle guidance by me.

~~~
snarf21
Exactly this. Teach them so that they can become a productive, self-sufficient
individual. Let them make (many) mistakes that won't ruin their life (heroin,
prego at 14, etc.) Encourage them to try new things and they'll find their own
passions. Hold them accountable to be the best version of themselves. Teach
them empathy and the power of perspective and the rest will be okay.

I've always felt that 4 hours of a nose in a book every day is just as bad as
4 hours of TV/electronics every day is just as bad as 4 hours of
sports/clubs/music every day. Kids need down time, time to explore,
interactions with other, time to imagine. Less is more.

------
sudhirj
Just became a parent a month ago, and yeah, I am struggling to balance what my
aspirations are for my daughter with what will would give her the best
childhood she could have. Not and easy line to walk.

~~~
codegeek
Congratulations. As a parent of 2 toddlers, here is what I suggest:

Don't think too much. Spend as much time as possible with your kid. Give them
a hug, make them laugh, always be around them if possible. Rest is all details
that can always be worked out. Don't try to join the rat race of doing too
many things.

Don't plan too much. Kids will spoil it anyway. Trust me. Been there and still
doing it. So enjoy the journey.

Don't focus too much on "what are my aspirations for my kid". Instead, let
them be. You know what kids really want and look up to ? Their
parents/caregivers who are around them to listen to them and play with them.
That is all they care about. Yes, activities are important but only a side
effect.

------
fred_is_fred
As a current parent the problem with this is that you'd need to get every
other parent to agree with it for it to work well, especially in sports.

Let me give an example. At 4/5 kids can start playing baseball, mine started
at 5. He played during spring and summer for two years. Sessions were 10
weeks, with 1 practice and 1 game, and we played catch some at home. He really
enjoyed it.

But now, by age 8, he has a decision to make (and I do to as a parent). He can
stay with "Rec level" which is just kids having fun (as slow parenting would
imply). Or, he can join the "intermediate team". What does that entail? 4
practices per week plus 1 game, and significant travel to weekend tournaments.
The team website also specifies the only times of year you can take vacation.
If he doesn't join this team, he is at age 8 effectively giving up any chance
of playing baseball in high school. If he does play on the team however, he's
giving up on other activities, and we give up our freedom to not have vacation
schedules dictated to us.

So, I guess if every other parent in the world agreed not to push kids like
this it would work, for now it can leave kids behind.

EDIT made paragraphs

------
LeonidBugaev
Learning how to be slow in our extremely fast lives, is probably one of the
important skill you can develop in you and your kids.

~~~
hosh
That's a great point. Thanks for articulating that. This is a contrast I have
been seeing with my step daughter but I had not been able to put my finger on
it.

------
FraKtus
My child did start speaking 2 languages (French and English) since she is 3
(she is now 6). She is in an environment where she is motivated to move
forward and learn (a good school). But I am very careful to monitor her
happiness and want to make sure she enjoy learning for herself...

