
You will become who you choose to be around - kevinchau
http://kevinchau.me/becoming-those-around-you
======
steven777400
Although I have to accept that the premise is generally true, it is also a
little concerning. Friends, close friends, seem like they're "supposed" to be
a bond like family: someone you're always there for in good times and bad.

Instead, philosophies like the one espoused in this article transform that
deep friendship into a friendship of "utility". It kind of reminds me of the
political marriages sometimes considered typical of the upper classes in
various historical societies: when "love" may not even be a factor in a
marriage.

I have a friend that has said similar things to this article. It makes me
wonder: are we friends because we've been through a lot and share that bond,
or is he my friend because I present a certain "utility" to his success? If
the latter, does that in turn mean our friendship is discarded as soon as I
fail to present that utility?

~~~
ripter
Why does it have to be either or?

Maybe your friend initially wanted to be friends with you for the utility
reasons. But now over the years you've grown beyond that, you have a bond.

This is one of the reasons it's so hard to get rid of toxic friends (not
saying you are toxic, just an example.) You've formed that bond that keeps you
together even after the utilitarian reason is long gone.

Which begs the question, are there any friendships that don't start from a
utilitarian reason? Why did you become friends in the first place? Did you
work together? Have similar interests? Did you just need someone that wanted
to play late night Japanese board games with you?

No matter the reason, it doesn't make your bond any less real.

~~~
kayoone
also depends on how you define a utilitarian reason. If you are new somewhere
for example, you will try to get to know people just so you are not alone, and
first connections that served to just not be alone might develop into great
friendships. Aren't new connections and friendships always utilitarian in some
shape or form in the beginning ?

~~~
steven777400
I think there is truth to this. Even beyond "new". Maybe I like to think that
I'm friends with my friends because I care for them, but is there another
reason; a subconscious utility I'm deriving from them too?

~~~
kayoone
Probably, even if its just having a good time.

------
codegeek
You may not "become" but there is definitely tremendous influence on you based
on who you hang out with. Even if you are the leader/aggressor type, you will
start getting "influenced" by the other party. I am saying this strictly based
on my own personal experience of course.

This topic has resonated with me a lot lately. My professional life has not
really been moving where I want it to be in last 3-4 years. Yes, ultimately I
am to blame and no questions about it. But all my friends/co-workers/family I
hang out with are very similar to me in many ways. I realized that I think a
lot like them now. Nothing wrong with that but it is just not where I see
myself.

In contrast, many years ago, I really wanted to do something drastic in my
life which would mean going against all odds. I pulled it off. The only reason
I can think of now is that I hung out with people who were already doing that
drastic thing. I followed them and hung out with them. We became really good
friends. Not to take away my hard work that I put in, but if I had to give the
main reason I succeeded then was the company I had. I should mention that
those people were all much better than me at what I wanted to be.

You want to be an entrepreneur ? Go hang out with other entrepreneurs who are
already doing it. Of course, you cannot be a sycophant. You still have to do
the hard work, you still have to sweat it out but the right company and
influence on you can really speed your drive towards where you want to be.

Ok, I wrote all this stuff but time to really go and find the "company" I want
to be in. I know what/where they are but it is just my laziness that is
keeping me from getting to it. This post probably gave me the kick in the butt
I needed. Really hope so.

------
mattgreenrocks
It is _good_ to have friends who aren't quite like you. It is good to have
friends who don't work in the same fields as you, or who aren't obsessed with
chasing success. Why? Because, hopefully, they can call you out when you start
handing yourself over to workaholism/bad relationships/excess drinking/etc.
Ideally, you'd let these people stretch you so you can balance yourself out;
even if it means part of your entrepreneurship neurosis is lost.

These sorts of articles disgust me; it's insane how much people value their
career.

~~~
scotch_drinker
I didn't read it at all as entirely career focused. The author is saying "if
you have high ambitions, don't hang around with people who have low
ambitions." He's not saying "live in a bubble."

This has less to do with the advancement of a career and more with your long
term goals. The people you are around the most will be the ones who influence
whether you reach your goals. Definitely have friends who are very different
from you in terms of career, activities, interests. But don't have friends who
want you to go out drinking every night if you have grander aspirations.

~~~
gutnor
Note that this kind of advise is good for the 20 somethings. That's like how
your parents want you to avoid hanging out with the wrong crowd at school,
don't be stupid a few years later.

As you grow older though, it takes so much effort to maintain friendship that
you will naturally lose contact with people that do not share your values in
some respect.

------
ycmike
I very much agree with Kevin here. I grew up in a very average neighborhood
with low ambitions and never really challenged myself. In college, I got with
the wrong people my freshman year and eventually lost my scholarship.

Being out of school and with a chip on my shoulder has led me to learning how
to code, starting a startup, and being accepted into a top college accelerator
despite not being in school. The people I am around now are KPCB fellows,
former interns at top startups, and thoroughly ambitious. Without this
environment, things would not be moving nearly as quickly.

Conversely, my brother went to a Math and Science academy and is now at an Ivy
league school. The same Ivy League school I am now at as part of the
accelerator program.

Like people attract like people. So if over time a person becomes a new
person, why should they feel held down to the old people that they were once
like? I know for me the friends I am making now are like me and they are
pushing me to become better. Ultimately, that is what you really want in a
friendship.

------
candybar
I think the causation is at least partially the other way around - people you
choose to spend time with reflect who you are.

When you try to game the correlation by forming friendships aspirationally,
this largely breaks down. It's much more important to come to terms with who
you are than to try to become more like someone else. When you're trying to be
X, you're not X, you're just someone who's trying to be X.

------
normloman
If you'd end a friendship because your friend wasn't ambitious as you, who
would want to be your friend anyway?

~~~
conductr
It's rarely intentional. When you're young, friendships are unique. Your best
friends are always together and it's very time consuming. If you decide to be
more ambitious, it means you are also deciding to be less present in your
friend's lives. It may take months/years, but you drift apart.

I've done this a few times in my life. I'm still friends with those people
today, but it's the "text once in a while" kind of friendship. The kind of
friendship where you talk about old memories more than create new ones. It
just happens.

------
rdegges
I generally agree with this. Not only does hanging around amazing people make
you a bit more amazing, but it generally increases your drive and pushes you
in whatever direction your buddies are going in.

Maybe it's just me, but I also get a huge kick out of doing what other people
I know WON'T do.

Maybe it's some innate craving for attention, money, fame, whatever, but I
really love doing things completely differently than my peers. Whether it
means working on projects most people don't find interesting, pushing myself
to do things wayyyy out of the ordinary in regards to jobs / physical stuff,
or whatever -- I get a lot of satisfaction from pushing myself beyond what
everyone else is doing.

I don't always come out successful, but when I do, it feels fucking fantastic
>:)

I have a pretty diverse group of friends -- so I'm not sure if this makes a
difference -- but I find myself wanting to constantly out perform my buddies
(even though I'm happy to help them succeed, and vice-versa), as a way to
stand out or something.

Shrug.

------
chaosphere2112
I'd kind of beg to differ on this one.

Six years out, of my high school friends, two have left the hometown (in
addition to myself). Of my college friends, half are un(der)employed.

I don't strive to be different from them; I like my friends. I still spend
time with them, I get together with them whenever I can.

Now, at my job, I'm in a very typical enterprise-y position, with all the
things that that entails. I've been informed that I'm very talented, that I'm
a rising star; but really, I just want to keep moving my career forward. I'm
not going to do it at (too great of) expense to my social life or my
relationships, but I want to be in a position where I've got a chance to grow
and learn. It's become increasingly evident that that may not be here.

------
sheaninesix
Also, "having a friend" and "choosing to be around" certain people are 2
totally different things. There are many ways to be around people including
volunteering, playing sports, and especially taking a job. Those people can
exert great positive influence on you regardless of whether you become friends
with them.

Obviously, there are many people that we're very close friends with, even
though we're rarely surrounded by them.

So its generally when you're _choosing_ your friends around some utilitarian
metric that you begin tread into sycophantic waters.

------
robotic
Surround yourself with world class olympians - become world class olympian.

------
facepalm
Even assuming it is true - aren't there a whole lot of other things one could
optimize first, before sieving out friends?

Who knows, you might even become an inspiration to your friends and they might
change along with you.

Also if you do things you want to do, the people you spend the most time with
will change automatically. For example if you start going to startup meetups,
you will hang out more with people who do startups. If you start doing more
sports to lose weight, you will end up hanging with more sporty people.

------
kevando
This is so true and also helps explain how echo chambers develop. I always try
to change my perspective on something big at least once a month. Last month I
disabled flash and all my Chrome extensions. Holy cow, the default internet is
weird!

I build web sites, so this helped me see the way certain people (my dad)
experience the internet.

~~~
ddorian43
your dad doesn't have flash enabled ? how many toolbars did yo install ?

------
nanleonaliu
There is also the opportunity for you to be the change you want to see, and be
the influencer to inspire and empower those around to "become you" \-
positivity and inspirations spread fast and far.

------
SixSigma
Biblequote :

Stay away from a fool, for you will not find knowledge on their lips.

~~~
softatlas

        Prove all things. Hold fast to that which is good.
        1 Thessalonians 5:21

------
oneandoneis2
Being somewhat introverted, this means that I am my girlfriend, my cat, and my
computer. (Not necessarily in that order :)

------
aaronchall
I like the entrepreneurship story, as well as the overall message.

------
stronglikedan
This is too generalized. There are born leaders and there are born followers.
Followers are influenced by those around them, while leaders forge their own
path no matter what. However, a well rounded person knows when to adapt. They
lead when necessary, and take instructions when required. There are some
people who will never become like those around them, but will instead shape
those around them to their own image.

Edit: Downvotes with no counterpoints? That means I must be right, because the
truth hurts.

~~~
devanti
Because what you just said is also very generalized. You put people in two
buckets: followers and leaders. Where's the in-between?

~~~
stronglikedan
> However, a well rounded person knows when to adapt. They lead when
> necessary, and take instructions when required.

