
Ask HN: Should you stay in a loveless relationship for kids? - rxsel
Asking for a friend with permission.<p>My friend is in a Loveless relationship, with a 2 year old toddler. Both parents work remote, both make over 6 figure salaries so jobs&#x2F;income isn’t an issue. 25 and 28. My friend is the younger one.<p>They’re essentially co-parent roommates with none of of the benefits of being single or in a relationship.<p>Never married, just relationship and kid together.<p>My friend wouldn’t be keeping the kid And the other parent will likely take the child and move 3 hours away (flight, albeit cheap and not an inconvenience)<p>My friend loves his child, is so passionate and excited then around the child. It’s beautiful to see them interact but again, the loveless relationship... and my friend is depressed. Currently on antidepressants.<p>However they’ve noted that being single would eliminate a lot of non romantic issues such as debt, lack of savings, investing, Finishing school etc. while still providing and seeing said child. But obviously the lack of both parents will have implications on child and parents.<p>Friend is really lost
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JohnFen
That's a very hard spot. My deepest sympathies to your friend (and his entire
family).

In my opinion, it's usually a mistake to stay in a relationship for the sake
of the children. I don't think it actually helps the children in the long run,
and it comes with a substantial risk of presenting a distorted example of how
healthy relationships should be.

That said, it depends on what sort of relationship we're talking about. While
I don't think it's wise to stay in a "fake" romantic relationship, it may be
possible for the parents to have a genuine, more special-purpose relationship
that would be very beneficial not only to the children, but to the parents.

That relationship would be "the parenting team", working in concert to raise
and support the children, but with no illusion of it being anything more than
a kind of coworker relationship. That's not always something that the parents
can do, but if the relationship still has mutual respect and a level of
friendship in it, it can work very well.

From your description, it sounds like they're already mostly there. All that
would remain would be to make it explicit, and to stop living with each other.

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oblib
Children are pretty resilient. My parents divorced when I was around 5 years
old. My father moved a lot and I didn't see much of him, and at times didn't
hear from him for long periods. My mother remarried when I was about 7 years
old. My stepfather was a great guy and it didn't take long for us kids to get
used to having him in our lives. He and my mother had two daughters over the
next few years and we all got along great.

When I got to be 14 years old I moved halfway across the US to live with my
father. A bit over a year later both my younger and older brothers came to
live with him.

That move did cause some friction between my mother and I but by the time my
brothers moved out there she was fine with that arrangement. It had to be a
lot easier on her and it gave her more time to spend with my sisters, so it
worked out good for them too.

For me, it worked out pretty good as well. My father owned a business and I
learned a lot working with him, way more than I could have had I stayed with
my mother and stepfather.

So, I'll offer that if both parents make an effort to spend time with their
child, refrain from criticizing each other around or to their child, and work
together raising them, the kid will be fine.

I have no regrets about how things worked out for my parents. They both
remarried and found someone they did get along great with. They were all
happy, and I got the best from all of them.

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uberman
You state that your friend loves his kid, but the larger picture you paint is
that the kid is a thing that your friend will not keep and that your friend
would be better off at least financially (somehow) without them. Your
description of your friend and the situation makes me feel like your friend is
very self centered.

How does your friend conclude that being "single" is going to improve your
their financial situation? That seems to fly directly in the face of your
prior statement that both parents make "6 figure salaries" and that "income
isn't an issue". If he wants a better financial situation then he should
explore if there are tax advantages to being actually married. There likely
are. Two adults (one with a child) are rather unlikely to see an an improved
cash flow by living in two homes. Unless of course your friend hopes to just
ditch his financial responsibilities...

In my opinion, Your friend needs to "man-up" and accept his responsibilities
particularly with respect to being a father. Likely their partner does as
well. That almost assuredly means re-prioritizing the family and particularly
the child over things that had top priority before the child was born.

As a father, I know the initial sting that comes with a loss of a prior life
and the changes in family dynamics following the birth of your first child. I
can assure your friend that many of the aspects that make toddlers a challenge
diminish from this point forward.

Your friend stands on the edge of a terrible decision, not just for their
child but for themselves as well. The joy of being a parent is more than equal
to the responsibilities. Your friend and their partner loved each other in the
not too distant past. If they reflect on the things that brought them together
in the first place (probably with counseling) and make the life changes
necessary to prioritize their family then I feel like they have a chance of
rebuilding that love.

~~~
rxsel
I’ll try to summarize the major points a bit better.

The two parents don’t feel anything for one another, but are great partners in
terms of parenting. There isn’t any attraction, affection, etc. Just a joint
desire to enable their child to blossom, succeed, and flourish. Not married,
relationship started like any other, baby came, parents raised child.

Both 6 figure incomes from remote jobs.

Although not married, both parents live and pool their incomes together.

Both parents also decided to pool and tackle their debts together (refinance,
balance transfers to joint accounts, joint auto loans etc.). Both accepted the
responsibilities of that. They were both okay with it because their incomes
and debts were practically identical.

Overtime lifestyle inflation became a huge problem and a burden on the
relationship. Both individuals come from completely different backgrounds
which translates into their different monetary habits which they clashed
over...

If separated both would be free to do whatever with their $ Which both have
expressed is an overall net positive since they each disagree with how the
other spends.

There’s no major toxic behavior. But again also no desire to be together. The
dynamic is essentially all of the restrictions that come with being in a
relationship with none of the positive aspects except for the stellar team
work when it comes to parenting.

The child would, upon separation, leave and reside 4 hours away. There are
multiple avenues here. One is stay as a family unit but leave for a place my
friend personally does not want to move to. Split and follow the child
considering remote work and income allows it. Or split, co parent, and live
elsewhere (which is what friend would’ve done otherwise considering their
situation)?

Should they stay together FOR THE CHILD? Yes or no and why is what my friend
is really wondering.

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downerending
What does "loveless" mean? Do they dislike or hate each other, or just not
feel that spark/whatever anymore? And is mutual, or is it just your friend? Is
there an incident that led to this?

As an older person, it'd be tempting to just live as friends and/or give it a
while to see if it picks up again. Experience suggests, though, that there's
more under all of this and that things will fall apart.

I wish them luck.

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GnarfGnarf
Try to rekindle the relationship. What they have is better than what they will
find.

Go on a one-month vacation to someplace rustic and desolate. Talk a lot.

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BOOSTERHIDROGEN
they might read The Course of Love by alain de botton

