
Things the most successful people I know struggle with to be happy - LeonW
https://leowid.com/the-7-things-the-most-successful-people-i-know-struggle-with-to-be-happy/
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jonnymiller
This resonates with my own experience: "Although most people look forward to
vacations and days off, most successful people I know dread them."—working
more hours was a socially acceptable route to not dealing with my own sh*t.

~~~
WalterBright
I enjoy my work quite a bit. Vacations, not so much. I like the challenge, I
like being in the game.

I have no plans to ever retire.

~~~
syndacks
What do you do for work? Have you always done that? Have you always liked the
challenge?

~~~
WalterBright
I work for making D the best programming language in the world. I've always
been doing things like that since my first job. I've always liked the
challenge, especially when people tell me I can't do that.

I selected a college specifically to prepare for the kind of things I wanted
to do as a career, and selected classes in the service of that. I once told my
dad that I was never bored for a moment in college.

Vacations dull pretty quickly.

Lying around doing nothing is my notion of hell.

~~~
syndacks
That's cool, thanks for sharing. I vibed with your point about being
stimulated and [not checking out]. I'm relatively new to programming (5 years,
self-taught) but I find the endless amount of information to learn quite
appetizing and inspiring. I think I'll stick around with this stuff for a
while.

Maybe I'll take a look at D now :)

Do you have any resources you'd suggest to someone (who, btw, doesn't have a
systems programming background -- but is curious to learn!)

~~~
WalterBright
That's a hard question to answer, because how I learned was on equipment that
is so dated it is no longer available in any reasonable form.

The only thing I can really suggest is get one of those tomes on Linux systems
programming.

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jpm_sd
One word I am surprised the author did not use in this article is patience.
Successful people are used to being in a hurry. It takes practice to have
patience with yourself, and patience with others.

Another problem that I struggle with, and I'm sure "successful" people do as
well, is chronic pain. Sometimes it's just bad luck, or an old injury; or
maybe you have sacrificed your health to get more work done (in the short
term). Many long-term problems are invisible; you never know who is struggling
on the inside.

~~~
hundillo
As a person with a 10+ year chronic injury, thanks for saying this. It was
nice even just to read it on the internet from a total stranger and know that
somebody is aware that people are dealing with things like this.

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notacoward
I don't claim to be super-successful, but these are things I've thought about
quite a bit. Some people are good at being happy. Even when their situation is
objectively lousy, they still find humor and love and fulfillment and so on.
Other people just _aren 't good at being happy_. Can't relax. Can't take a
compliment. Can't enjoy when things are going well, without worrying about
when it will end.

The thing a lot of these have in common is _being in the moment_ vs. looking
forward. Absolutely nothing wrong with looking forward, it's how we all
progress and ensure future good times, but you also have to be able to turn it
off (which is another item on OP's list). Learning how to shut up those
internal voices for a while can be hard, but it's worth the effort.

------
t0mmyb0y
8\. Don't overtly screw people on the way up.

Most 'wealthy & successful' people I have known screwed people and never
learned how to not do that and ended up paranoid about everyone since they
don't know who they screwed.

~~~
xwdv
Screwing people is inevitable. The only consolidation you can really take is
knowing that the people you screwed at some point probably screwed someone
else, and you're just continuing a cycle of karmic justice.

~~~
asimovfan
According to karmic religions him having screwed someone over doesn't let you
off the hook for the bad karma you're accruing when you screw them.

~~~
colinmhayes
Luckily karmic religions aren't real.

~~~
seigando
Maybe not but 'karma' in its original meaning of cause and effect is: if you
hurt somebody, they will be hurt.

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wiradikusuma
It could be Asian thing (I'm Asian), but there's a saying, "Money can't buy
happiness, but it sure hell better crying inside my BMW than crying outside by
the street."

~~~
Cerium
What are your thoughts on the (in my experience more common) phrase: "I would
rather cry in a BMW than laugh on a bicycle"? When I really consider this
phrase it brings tears to my eyes.

~~~
wiradikusuma
I'm biased, I prefer (nice) bicycles than (nice) cars. Not because it's
healthier, but because I don't like to be stuck in traffic. -- Again, living
in overpopulated Asian country.

~~~
kiliantics
Cycling a bicycle is just easily one of the greatest of human experiences.

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gaukes
A lot of these seem tied to narcissism in some way. Not that it’s a bad thing
but there are a lot of secondary effects of prioritizing ones “success” over
all other things like relationships, friendships, mental health, etc.

~~~
notacoward
"Narcissism" is an unnecessarily pejorative way to put it. Narcissism is about
having an inflated view of one's own merit, importance, or appearance. In
popular parlance it also refers to an unquenchable need for external
validation of these qualities. However, most of the issues mentioned in the OP
are often associated with self-doubt and/or internal motivation - i.e. the
very opposite of narcissism. Frankly, using such a negative term seems a bit
like sour grapes.

~~~
gaukes
Narcissism isn’t necessarily characterized by strength even though we imagine
the quintessential narcissist people to be “strong” and “driven”. That may be
true in their professional lives but not personal.

Narcissists are driven by external validation and appearance, yes. So much so
that they forget the people most important to their lives are humans too, not
tools or ornaments of achievement. When these relationships sour, there’s a
lot of self-doubt, not about the achievements, but if the trade offs are
really worth it in the end.

~~~
notacoward
Nobody's defending narcissism. My objection was to reflexively associating
_these problems_ with narcissism, and by answering only in the context of
narcissism you're still equating the two. So let me even more blunt: that
theory is so weak that it's almost self-refuting. Let's try to apply it to the
OP and see just how badly it goes.

The first item on the list is inability to celebrate. How does that suggest
narcissism? Can it not be explained _at least_ as well by feelings that the
subject of celebration is undeserved, transitory, and subject to reversal?

The second item on the list is inability to rest. How does that suggest
narcissism? Can it not be explained _at least_ as well by feelings that one is
an impostor, unable to keep up without making extra effort?

And so on. Every connection you claim points to narcissism actually points
even more strongly somewhere else. Narcissism causes problems, to be sure, but
it's far from the only thing that can cause _these_ problems. Claiming that
these issues are all about narcissism is tantamount to claiming that
conventionally-measured success itself is all about narcissism. As I said, it
comes across as a _big_ load of sour grapes.

~~~
Nasrudith
Really many on the list seems far more neuroticism or compulsion than
narcissism in either the clincial or colloquial sense. "Good habits" to an
excess.

------
StanislavPetrov
If you aren't happy, you aren't successful. Far too many (like the author of
this article) equate economic wealth with "success". How can someone who is
miserable be described as a "success" no matter how many baubles they collect
or how many accolades they receive from their fellow bauble collectors?

To me being successful means being content and leading a happy and rich life.
Economic well-being often helps facilitate contentment and happiness through
the security it allows, but it is, at best, a piece of the pie. Unfortunately
all too many (especially Americans) have been conditioned to believe that life
is a game of Monopoly and the goal is to accrue as much material wealth as
possible. This leads to the oft-referred to, "mid-life crisis" when people
start coming to terms with their mortality and realize they've wasted the best
decades of their life pushing pencils and sitting in traffic. Perhaps if we
start changing the way we view "success" we can help some poor souls avoid
this awful day of reckoning in the future.

------
laurent92
\- A successful life often feels like day-to-day failure. Failure to reach
ambitious goals, but 90% of the goal is often good enough.

\- Dedicating one’s life to work is often a form of suicide. « SINCE my life
is void and I won’t do anything tonight, why not study this book, apply for an
MBA or build a company. At least that will be some challenge. It’s not like
I’m losing family time, and it will help me focus on one thing. »

I’ll leave people to decide whether this is good or bad, but if most people’s
lives were fulfilling, we wouldn’t see that much technological progress.

I’m not denying a good share of people are into tech or work by passion, I’m
just talking about those who work as a mean to avoid depression.

~~~
ta1234567890
> if most people’s lives were fulfilling, we wouldn’t see that much
> technological progress

Which then makes you wonder: do we really need that much technological
progress?

I love technology, especially when it helps people lead better lives. But if
we are just developing it without real purpose and mentally/emotionally
enslaving ourselves to do it, then it seems self-defeating.

~~~
adwn
> _Which then makes you wonder: do we really need that much technological
> progress?_

Spoken like someone who takes all of the technological progress of the last
centuries for granted. And I don't intend that as a personal attack. Many,
many people think like you do, because they can't even begin to imagine a life
without the fruits of progress. As for myself, I'm eternally thankful for that
progress, for without it, I wouldn't be alive today (appendicitis), neither
would my wife (also appendicitis), and probably neither would my two children
(historically, most children died within a few years after birth). I'm also
extremely thankful for not having to fear death from starvation (thanks to
agricultural progress) or from bacterial infections (thanks to antibiotics).

> _But if we are just developing it without real purpose [...]_

That "if"-condition is doing _a lot_ of work in your sentence. Kind of like
saying "if technological progress wouldn't be bringing all the immense
benefits it is bringing, it wouldn't be so great".

~~~
ta1234567890
You bring up some excellent points, and you are right that I most likely take
most technology for granted.

I would say the issues that you bring up don't have a clear "right answer",
and it's all about perspective.

Me and my siblings were all born thanks to c-sections. Without that, none of
us would have been born and my mom would have died trying to give birth. Are
we better off having been born? Can't say. Is the world a better place because
we were born? For who?

It all depends on goals and perspectives. If the goal is to be happy then, are
current people happier than people that lived for example five thousand years
ago? Have most technological advances been made in the service of happiness?
It doesn't seem like it.

So what's the actual benefit of "all the immense benefits" of technology?
Being alive? Living longer? Is it better to be alive and live longer just
because we can? The answers to those questions depend on your individual
situation and perspective on life.

~~~
adwn
> _Are we better off having been born? Can 't say._

If you're not sure whether there's a point in being alive, then why do you
think there's a point in not "mentally/emotionally enslaving ourselves", as
you wrote in your original post? If you have no terminal values [1], there is
no point in anything, and everything is meaningless.

I suspect that you _do_ value being alive [2], and your father _does_ value
his wife not having died in childbirth. But you take being alive for granted,
because actually facing death (yours or that of your children) is a rare
occurence, and the probability that you or your loved ones die before the age
of 60 is very low. Again, mostly thanks to technological progress.

[1] I.e., a value that is not in service of another value – similar to an
_axiom_ in mathematics.

[2] If you really don't value being alive, you might suffer from depression.
In this case, please seek professional help.

~~~
ta1234567890
You are making way too many assumptions about me and life in general. It's ok
for people to have different points of views.

About not being able to say if I'm better off having been born, I don't
know/remember what it was like before being born or being dead, it might be
amazing, I don't know, so I can't compare. Doesn't mean I want to be dead
right now. I also never said there's no point in being alive.

Why does life need any "terminal values" at all to be meaningful? Do you think
there needs to be an absolute truth to it? What if someone disagrees?

~~~
adwn
> _Why does life need any "terminal values" at all to be meaningful?_

Life doesn't have or need terminal values, people have terminal values.
Without terminal values, you cannpt have _any_ values at all, and without
values [1] nothing can be meaningful.

> _Do you think there needs to be an absolute truth to it?_

No, terminal values depend on the individual, and don't even have to be
constant over time.

[1] "Values" in the sense of "goals" or "things important to you", not in the
sense of "moral values".

------
mathgladiator
> That it’s ok to let go of the image of the lonesome warrior, shouldering the
> world’s problems on their own.

This is the one thing that I've struggled with as an engineering leader. Much
of this article is spot on, but the hardest thing for myself is simply asking
for help. Part of it because I have learned how to learn anything, and I can
just spend time doing what I need. However, there is only so much time in the
day.

For some reason, I've always felt that asking for help was related to
weakness, and it took a long time to realize that leadership is not knowing
everything, but knowing how to teach people to play the game and ask good/dumb
questions.

~~~
rabidrat
One thing I've been thinking about recently, is the difference between "asking
for help" and "being offered help". It's difficult to ask for help in a
socially acceptable way: deferential, but not ingratiating; vulnerable, but
not needy; bounded, but not transactional. Whereas these tensions are largely
circumvented when someone sees you struggling and offers to help in some way.
This leads better results also, as often when I need help, I don't even know
what kind of help to ask for. But someone who has gone through something
similar, can help simply by knowing what it is I might need, even if they
can't provide it. It's very difficult to get that kind of help by asking for
it.

------
hdfhu
"Successful people" are those that come to the ocean shore, build a sand
castle (indeed, what else is this sand for?), develop depression protecting it
from wind, water and sun, and even force other tourists to build the castle
for them. And they die wondering why the ocean shore is such a cruel and
pointless place. Their lives aren't worthless,though: at least they develop
some will. The wise don't build castles, they just watch the ocean and think
about the relationship between sand, water, wind and sun.

~~~
WalterBright
> The wise don't build castles

We would still be trying to kill food by throwing rocks if we were wise.

~~~
KSteffensen
I kind of like not freezing in winter. And having a toilet. And antibiotics.
And other stuff...

~~~
WalterBright
I sure love my first cuppa coffee in the morning. The miracle of global trade!

------
np-
I feel like the problem may be that we have a distorted view of "success" and
what it means. Success is much more than a one-dimensional goal of earning
more money. Are you really considered successful if that's all that you
accomplished? Success itself encompasses many of the goals espoused in the
article, such as having quality relationships and being able to take time for
yourself. I think it's a perspective problem. You aren't successful just
because you did well in your career. There's much more to it than that.

------
x87678r
I think a lot of people in the US are taught from a young age to work hard and
be the best you can be. Get into the best college, work hard to get the best
job. Get promoted. Get promoted. Start your own firm. Work hard work hard,
make money.

Often they never learn you are allowed to back off.

~~~
yeswecatan
Absolutely. One of my favorite teachers in high school used to always say "the
harder you work now, the easier it will be later." There is always a later,
though.

~~~
VonBlue
Until there isn’t

------
jrexilius
I think the very first exercise is a great one, and a challenge for many this
year (including myself). "What am I grateful for that happened in the last 365
days?" A sense of gratitude is extremely healthy and remembering to
acknowledge it is hard in the face of adversity.

------
dbtc
One extreme: calm, content, happy, don't care about much, don't do much.

Other extreme: stressed, unsatisfied, unhappy, always working, getting lots
done.

Maybe there is a middle way. A more nuanced definition of success.

~~~
notacoward
Great observation. Thank you. I think there _is_ a middle way, but it's not so
much about definitions as about balance. There's a time to sow (work) and a
time to reap (rest and enjoy). Of course you have to sow before you can reap,
but if _all_ you do is sow then your final yield is zero. You have to
alternate, maximizing the product of the two instead of either alone.

------
monadic2
Note money is nowhere on this list.... what's the point? Every "successful"
person I know simply buys their way into a happier life. What a puff piece
without acknowledging this!

Why is this shit even on HN? Is everyone here a rich, narcissistic douchebag?
I mean we all suspected....

~~~
prerok
I guess that the point of the article is also that "money doesn't buy you
happiness", but the author only says it between the lines. He does state that
success in business will also not bring you happiness if you don't take the
time and care for other aspects of your life.

The view may be a bit skewed since he is a coach and will mostly deal with
people who have a problem. It is still a good reminder to try to have a
balanced life, regardless of where on the ladder you are :)

~~~
KSteffensen
The author also owns enough money to buy himself a Lamborghini for his 30th
birthday. It's easier to say that money is not the point when you have lots of
it. Money may not buy you happiness but it sure does make a lot of things
easier.

