
How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015) - wallflower
http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2015/02/love-to-talk/
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mafribe
Previous discussion
[https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=13963858](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=13963858)

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spodek
Ultimately all the advice in the world leads to one simple starting point: You
have to act, practice, and rehearse new skills to get their benefit and those
first acts, as with any new skill, will be clumsy, embarrassing, and full of
other challenges that will lead the novice to feel bad.

If you try, you will fail and feel bad, worse than if you never tried, but if
you stick with it, you can overcome the failures. You'll never lose access to
the skills you now have it you don't want to feel or act social, but you can
when you want.

The reward for overcoming those failures, in my experience at least, is so
much greater than the struggle to reach that reward, that I only wish I had
started learning social and emotional skills earlier.

~~~
maxxxxx
"If you try, you will fail and feel bad, worse than if you never tried, but if
you stick with it, you can overcome the failures"

This is probably good advice for a lot of people but it can also make things
worse. I have made several attempts to "go out there and learn" and the result
was always that I didn't improve but instead got more insecure. I think there
needs too be some underlying strategy and not just banging your head into the
same wall. A lot of people understand social skills intuitively but some
don't.

~~~
ljf
The thing is - with most nice people - even if you 'fail' they aren't going to
hold it against you or make fun of you. In fact, most people won't even notice
your 'failures'. And if someone does make fun or hold it against you, it's a
great time to consider cutting them out.

I remember years ago reading a comment about someone who was terrified of
failure, until they learnt to skateboard - and realised that aside from the
occasionally pulled off success, everyone was failing all the time, and that
they reveled in the trying.

~~~
maxxxxx
Let's say you make an effort to talk to people and after doing that a lot
people still don't talk to you or you invite people but they never invite you
back and so on. It's clear you are doing something wrong but how do you figure
out what's wrong and how to do it right?

Skateboarding is much easier. The skateboard will be there tomorrow and you
can try again. With people it's different. After a few awkward encounters they
don't want to deal with you anymore.

~~~
ljf
Fair enough, I should have added that it's good to find places where failing
is cheap - meet ups, public social events, mixers etc. I do understand that
people can form opinions quickly that can stick.

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artellectual
Here is my tip on being someone people love to talk to. Be interested in the
person you are talking to. Be curious about them and most important of all
listen, attentively to everything. You'll learn a lot, people will share their
deepest darkest things with you. Listen without judgement, without trying to
reply, and it will change your life, sounds simple but really difficult to do.
Something to practice over your life time.

~~~
johnfn
What if the person I'm talking to just isn't that fascinating?

This is a terrible thing to say and admit and I half expect to be downvoted
for it, but here goes anyways: I feel like a lot of people who I talk to
aren't. I'm fully willing to admit this is some fault of my own, but how
exactly can I reconfigure myself to be more interested in people?

~~~
cgriswald
Be selfish.

Accept that everyone you will ever meet has learned or experienced something
you have not learned or experienced, and you can, therefore, learn something
from them. Try to draw it out of them. Over time you'll probably start
becoming genuinely interested in people who don't currently fascinate you.

~~~
KnTea
But if I treat everyone like a gold mine then they'll run dry sooner or later.
How do you keep the genuine interest up?

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bleischt
I think it's incredible how people can intuitively learn these skills. People
who are considered "likable" probably have developed these qualities through
social experimentation, paying attention to others' reactions in the forms of
tone and body language. It demonstrates a very high level of social awareness
and emotional intelligence.

~~~
lapsock
> It demonstrates a very high level of social awareness and emotional
> intelligence.

Any reasonably average human being should have these skills as an adult. If
they don't it's because something went wrong at some point, or they are on the
spectrum or something like that.

~~~
emddudley
That's a rather broad brush. Not everyone picks up on these things
intuitively, and personality plays a big role.

~~~
cgriswald
As someone who did not pick up on these things intuitively, I can say two
things about myself:

1\. Something catastrophic happened to me as a child that prevented the normal
development of this skill. 2\. As an adult, I fixed the problem by paying
attention and learning through concentrated effort.

My personality, at best, seems like a consequence of these events and
decisions, not a cause.

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woliveirajr
IMHO, asking questions to people you have just met will make they fell
uncomfortable. They don't know you yet and aren't interested in giving you
details about themselves.

Asking questions or making remarks about easy, common and light subjects will
make you start a conversation without going too deep too fast. That's why
people talk about the weather, the transit, etc. It also helps if you observe
the person a bit and ask about something that they clearly appreciate.

~~~
vkjv
The key piece is that you don't ask blind questions, you ask more about a
topic that they brought up or expressed interest in.

"I listen to podcasts on the way to work." "Me too! What kind of podcasts do
you listen to?"

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spcelzrd
I'm not particularly good in group settings, but here's a strategy I've found
that works in most cases: give the person a complement, then ask them a
question about themselves. It's important that the complement isn't about
their appearance or something that might make them uncomfortable. And keep the
question light.

~~~
mafribe

       isn't about their appearance
    

Pro-tip for the socially savvy: intuit what about their appearance they put a
lot of though/effort into, and then make a compliment based on that. Examples.

\- Your new hairstyle is amazing, who's your hairdresser, I need to go there.

\- Wow, looks like you've been working out hard recently, great definition on
your upper arms, can you recommend some good workouts?

\- That top you are wearing, where did you get it? It's amazing, reminds me of
Christian Dior's 1978 collection, you are the most stylish person in the room.
Where, Harajuku, Tokyo? You went to Tokyo? Wow, when? I _love_ Tokio, you need
to tell me everything about your trip!

\- That tan line ... looks like somebody was on holidays recently ... Where,
Greece? That's so cool, I'm so jealous, tell me ...

It is also worthwhile reflecting on how the recipient will process a
compliment: the recipient will compare your compliment with the previous
compliments received. Let's illustrate this point with some social cliches:

\- 17 year old conventionally beautiful girl: will typically get large amounts
of compliments every day. She will have heard it all before, and have a lot of
experience with gracefully handling compliments.

\- 17 year old convention computer gamer boy: will typically never have been
complimented on anything at all. Will have no canned graceful reply for his
first compliment.

Summary: Adjust your compliments to audience expectation.

    
    
       something that might make them 
       uncomfortable.
    

That's good advice for beginners. For the socially savvy, ambiguous
compliments work really well, too. The classic "nice hair, is it your own LOL"
has been discussed many times. However, it's easy to mis-calibrate and get it
wrong.

Flattery is like paying with counterfeit money: easy to do and effective ...
as long as you don't get caught. Meaning: when Alter realises Ego is using
flattery, Alter feels manipulated.

Finally, there are different cultures of complimenting. For example, in the US
compliments are given freely, often and expected. In Easter Europe, in
contrast, compliments tend to be given more rarely, and not usually expected.
Unless you are socially savvy or a social risk taker, I recommend to adhere to
the ambient conventions about how often compliments should be made.

~~~
bshimmin
Next time I'm in a pub in Glasgow I'm _so_ going to compliment a guy on the
definition of his upper arms and then, if I'm still alive, move the discussion
onto Dior's 1978 collection. Thanks for the tips!

~~~
mafribe
LOL, thanks. That's a great suggestion.

Next time I'm teaching compilers, I'll illustrate the difference between
context-free and context-sensitive language with reference to Glasgow pubs.

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mholt
> (Please don’t talk about the weather. Ugh.)

The author must not be from where I am (the midwest). Weather is actually
interesting there, and important to most people. I remember spending hours
talking about the weather, even with strangers, who became friends; it's one
reason why I kept going back to the same family restaurant 30 minutes away, or
why we stayed with our ferrier and feed provider.

Now that I live in the American west, weather is much less interesting, and
people judge it to be small talk. It's too bad, but I guess I'll just talk to
people about travel now.

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fivestar
Pretty funny that an FBI behavior expert would discuss this subject given that
FBI people typically don't talk to you unless they're trying to nail your ass
for a crime.

Is it always about having some agenda? If so, then conversation is simply
selfish nonsense, isn't it? Instead, try to be selfless, and don't give in to
venal banter.

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chicob
I think "needing tips from FBI hostage negotiators to make people like you"
should be included in psychopathy test checklists.

