Ask HN: Why did you choose to have children? - nmyk
======
corry
Notice that most of the comments here are describing _post-hoc_ how having
children has been fulfilling/great/worth it. Which isn't really the question -
it's _not_ asking if having children was a good move in retrospect.

It's interesting that most people's minds go there. I've had this happen
myself after having a son - the original "why" almost doesn't matter or rather
gets overshadowed by all the other parts of it (for most people, a deep sense
of purpose and fulfillment).

To actually answer the question, my partner and I came to a place where our
relationship was great, jobs were great, etc - but we felt a certain "is this
it?". Sure, being DINKS is a nice life, lots of travel, easy, etc. But...
hmmmmmm... is this it? Amuse ourselves until we die? Stay clean and simple,
have fun, work hard... hmmmmmm....

Meanwhile there was a quiet impulse in the background beckoning towards
_creating_ something out of our relationship / position. It's hard to
describe. Obviously biology is playing a role here. But what a wonderful
chaotic creative thing, two different people coming together and making a
third person.

So we had a vague sense of all that. And decided to go for it. As many other
people have said in this thread, your life changes immediately and irrevocably
when kids arrive, but for us it's been pure joy. Lots of chaos too.

My wife remarks that she didn't realize what a big hole was in her life before
becoming a mother. That's maybe the best way to describe it. We had a sense
that there was a hole in our lives, or something that would grow into a big
hole if we didn't have kids.

~~~
gdilla
DINK life is nice until your social circle is filled with people with kids.
You can hang with younger couples, sure, but it wears out fast. The
opportunities to hang with people your own age at some regular frequency
greatly diminishes (cuz they are tired and have to deal with kids). There is
nothing wrong with this - you can splurge on travel and self-development,
retire way earlier, or what have you; totally fine and rewarding. It comes
down to what you value (I like playing sports and video games with my son more
than hanging out with grownups).

~~~
rayj
Just hang out with people that have kids. Better yet bring the people with
kids dinner or something, they will like the change of pace especially with
young children. I will probably end up doing this myself, as I have
significant anxiety and depression which made having kids a no-go.

~~~
gdilla
yeah, that's fine. I was just saying it's gonna happen way less than you
think. Kids have routines, are picky, need attention, and parents can't always
tolerate guests often because of that. Every family is different though.

------
SlowBro
Edit: Before you downvote read the paragraph at the end please.

True story: I didn’t want kids. I knew I was selfish and didn’t want to ruin
kids. But one day I pondered Psalm 127:3-5. I reasoned that if God called
children a blessing then who am I to call Him a liar?

I’m glad I believed that promise. It’s not been what I feared at all.

Those verses say:

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed
is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when
he speaks with his enemies in the gate. (ESV)

Hey downvoters: You don’t have to agree with my reasons. The OP asked why and
I answered. Be a little open minded would you?

~~~
kbd
Upvoted you. People here tend to be intolerant of any religious opinion.

Edit: I'm a believer and desperately don't want children. Dunno whether this
is an inconsistency in my faith or just how I'm built. This whole thread is a
little maddening to me because I wish people would stop making new people, but
everyone seems so happy doing it :)

~~~
SlowBro
I also study Permaculture, which is a science of study of the environment.

There is a paradox discussed in Permaculture: “The problem becomes the
solution.” Applying that to the population numbers, we may actually not have
/enough/ people.

The problem of too many people becomes the solution: Get enough people acting
rightly and many other problems get solved. Some Permaculturists believe the
earth has the capacity for fifty billion people; it’s just that current
resources are so poorly managed. We may not have enough people to solve so
many of the world's pressing problems.

The alternative is to treat people like weeds. But we need a path of love, not
fear.

~~~
kbd
Fwiw, I didn't mean to imply that my wish that people stop making more people
was due to fears of overpopulation. (We have so much empty space left! And new
technologies to discover, and so on.) Rather, it's based on my own desire to
not exist.

~~~
SlowBro
Oh, that was unexpected. The objections I’ve heard thus far have been about
overpopulation. Tell me more about that.

~~~
kbd
It's ok, other powers at work here. The lady who I likely would be married to
had I wanted children was into permaculture, so I take the unlikely turn of
conversation as a little dig from Him.

> Tell me more about that.

Groaning at discussing personal stuff on HN, but here goes: I don't enjoy life
or find it rewarding. I'd likely have killed myself a long time ago but don't
because my life is not my own (bought with a price and so on). So how could I
possibly want to create more people?

I have many philosophical arguments against creating children as well, such as
violating the agency of the unborn by forcing them into existence, or
considering the generations of suffering and death (and damnation of some?)
caused by creating children, who will have more children, ad infinitum.

But none of that matters because God has a plan and it'll all make sense
someday (after I die). So I (im?)patiently await that day.

~~~
SlowBro
Feel free to ping me offline if you want to continue the conversation. You can
even edit your comment and remove the personal stuff if you want :-) Address:
Slow Bro 904 at Gmail.

------
mhermher
Don't have kids yet, but my partner is pregnant now. I know I have wanted kids
for a while, but I think it really kicked in in the last year. I have thought
about why we both kind of felt that way. My best guess is that I have reached
a point in my life and career where I can recognize that my utility to the
world has peaked essentially.

In maybe a non-sensical way, it seems like having children is my best
remaining contribution to the world. Maybe I can make a slightly better
version of myself and teach him how to be a better person than I was.
Otherwise, it seems like what I have learned and all the knowledge I have
accumulated will essentially be wasted. What was the entire point after all?
If I don't pass down all of the things I have learned, then what was really
the point to ever learning it or experiencing it? And I am not talking about
things you can learn from a book, I mean the lessons of life experiences.

Not sure if that is a great reason, or even if it is really the reason. Just
my guess from introspection on it. Why is it that I felt now was really the
time?

~~~
lprubin
By your logic, wouldn't adopting be a better way to help the world? You would
still be able to pass on your knowledge and attempt to create a better version
of yourself, but you wouldn't be producing yet another person straining the
resources of the world. Not to mention the massive value added to the life of
your adopted child.

~~~
tendersej
Do you really consider having kids and adopting to be interchangeable? I am
asking honestly. I think it is hard to raise a kid, and adoption makes it much
much harder (opinion based on anecdata)

~~~
lprubin
I don't consider them interchangeable. But the thread is about people's
reasoning for deciding to have children and so I asked a followup question
about a specific reason where I thought for that particular reason, adoption
might have been the "superior" option." I understand it's a complicated
decision.

That being said, I can definitely see why adopting a "troubled teen" would be
more difficult than having your own kid. But is adopting a baby really that
much different than having your own?

------
ideonexus
Neil Postman wrote, “Children are the living messages we send to a time we
will not see.” As a humanist, I don't have invisible gods or an afterlife to
comfort me into apathy about the human condition. If I want the world to be a
better place, I have to make it so and having children is an important
dimension to that.

We've limited ourselves to two because my wife and I are both full-time
software developers and we can't handle "being outnumbered" as we like to
joke, but raising two boys is a remarkable experience. I've experienced many
kinds of love in my life, love for family, romantic love for my wife, but this
new kind of love for our children is so powerful and pure. It's so precious,
drives me to be a better person for them, and I am so grateful to experience
it.

------
benjohnson
We didn't 'choose' \- but having a child was the best accident that ever
happened to us.

I had a miserable childhood, and having an awesome and joyous time with our
three children has redeemed my hurt - it's part of my memory, but no longer
important.

Having kind, wise, and creative children has given me hope for the world that
comes after me - and I'm grateful that have the responsibility to raise them.

It's also helped cured many of my neurosis - I don't procrastinate, I set
goals, I get up in the morning, I'm not a gloomy pessimist and I'm not at
irrationally angry.

And even though children are expensive - I'm richer because I have better
character traits.

My kids saved my life by taking my own greed for my own life away from me - I
live for them and my wife. I never knew that existed.

~~~
econner
Well said.

------
uptownfunk
I think it’s one of those things that’s difficult to understand until you
actually have them. I don’t think I could have conceived of the joy and
happiness I would experience having a child before actually having them.

I’ve got a 9 mo old, and planning to have a couple more. It’s a hard to
explain feeling of fulfillment and completeness, except one where I didn’t
realize something was missing until I actually had them. That said I look back
to the time when it was just me and my wife and really enjoy those memories
too, but those have their place, time and duration and when you have kids you
realize that they are something with their own relish that you can enjoy too.

I’m also somewhat superstitious/quasi hippy so I believe kids bring their own
karma and destiny into the worlds, which, when interacting with your own life
can change it for the better or worse. Not necessarily a reason to have them
per se but an observation nonetheless.

Overall it’s been an amazing experience. I love coming home to see my little
guy, and make him smile which makes me smile in turn. They are amazing little
AI machines. And you can’t help thinking And helping them become whatever they
are meant to become in their fullest actualization.

~~~
noobhacker
Is there any way you can think of to get a proxy for that feeling without
actually having kid? I want to gather more data on whether I want to be a
parent, and yet all parents tell me "you won't know until you try it."

What if I try it and don't enjoy being a parent? The cost of a child being
stuck with an unhappy parent is too much to risk it.

~~~
gamechangr
That question shows how far away you are from understanding it.

There is in fact - no other way.

It would prove much harder than you think. It's like describing a color to
someone without using the name of the color or pointing to it. Or since you
presumably don't have children, it's like trying to describe a color that
doesn't exist.

Don't believe the whole dog/cat comparison. That's totally broken.

~~~
noobhacker
If it's impossible to understand, would it be reasonable to think that it's
irresponsible to become a parent? How come we make so many other career and
financial decisions with much thought and data, and yet the decision to take
on one's biggest responsibility can be made without understanding it at all?

------
partisan
I think my wife and I came to the conclusion at the same time. We were a
little too infatuated with our cat and found that there was a growing vacuum
in our lives that was appearing despite most other things being constant. It
was the feeling of wanting to create something. As a subconscious trigger, the
nerdy part of me started thinking about getting into AI. One day, we had a
very brief discussion in which we agreed to let it happen.

Though it had been difficult at times (twins) and each day is a new challenge
for them and for us, we made the right choice. My wife is sitting with them
building Lego houses as I type this.

------
justaguyhere
I guess most people have children because thats the default? Maybe a better
question is "why did you choose not to have children"?

~~~
fghtr
Ask HN: Why did you choose not to have children?

[https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=16510584](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=16510584)

------
ggg9990
I wasn’t really into the idea of having kids but I had one because my wife
wanted to and I liked being with my wife. I went completely bonkers for the
kid and now want to have as many as possible.

~~~
electriclove
This pretty much describes me too.

------
gamechangr
Best choice I ever made.

There is more to life than success, money, and personal ambition (make a
difference).

Being a father is the highest form of true selflessness. It's like you
transcend even your own desires.

~~~
Hnrobert42
That’s interesting that you feel that way. I am not trying to diminish your
belief. Clearly it is true for you.

However for me, having children is the most profoundly selfish thing I can
imagine. Creating another person to give myself fulfillment and purpose.
Especially considering how difficult climate change and AI will make life for
the next generation or two, I feel morally compelled not to have children.

However, as I said, I recognize your experience is different. It’s interesting
how different.

~~~
gamechangr
Do you have children?

What's funny is you even think of having kids through the focus of you, like
you could find purpose. That's seriously self involved man. It's not about
you.

From a distance drowning looks a lot like swimming. Swimming is fun and
enjoyable, where as drowning in a desire for personal fulfillment isn't.

Get in the water (have kids), it may surprise you.

------
tyingq
I suspect, subconsciously, it’s the closest thing we have to immortality. If I
have kids and foster a good relationship, I might be remembered after my
demise.

~~~
harikb
Now, if you haven’t watched coco... I suggest you get on it right away

------
haZard_OS

      I didn't exactly choose to have children. When I was younger, I suffered from a series of highly debilitating health issues (the details of which I will not go into here) and a young woman chose to take advantage of the situation and become impregnated.
    
      Now, don't get me wrong; I love my children dearly. I did not chose to have them in any normal sense, however.

~~~
majewsky
Same post, but readable:

> I didn't exactly choose to have children. When I was younger, I suffered
> from a series of highly debilitating health issues (the details of which I
> will not go into here) and a young woman chose to take advantage of the
> situation and become impregnated.

> Now, don't get me wrong; I love my children dearly. I did not chose to have
> them in any normal sense, however.

------
hbnyc
I haven't had children yet.

I want to because some of my greatest memories were with my dad. I want to
enable someone to experience those feelings, and experience the other side of
them as well.

~~~
kelukelugames
I didn't want to because all of my worst memories were with my parents. Now I
have a baby I always think about ways I can be a better parent than mine were.

------
asveikau
Once you have kids you "cross the vortex" and cannot accurately remember life
before them. Even after you have them, you start forgetting the time when they
were in a previous phase as they progress. The lack of sleep doesn't help
retain the memories.

So we can only share details and justifications about why we enjoy the present
state of parenthood. I think one that I come back to a lot is "because
somebody did it for me". I.e. I am doing my small part carrying on the human
experiment, helping my new humans figure it out in the early stages. There
seem to be a number of things in life that you can feel like you understand
better now having been personally in charge of cleaning up another human
being's poop.

It is a wonderful thing, of course not without stresses and challenges.

------
amriksohata
Duty and support. As a Hindu we believe that it is impossible to pay the debt
you are born with to your parents for looking after you and raising you unless
you have children yourself. Hence we are bound by duty for society, to
parents, ancestors and also for support later in life.

~~~
gdilla
what happens to infertile couples? adopt?

~~~
amriksohata
That's a whole other thing with debt, everything is based on dharma and karma,
so if it's your bad karma that you are infertile (for whatever past life
reason) then it is the dharma of other people to help you and also for you to
seek out other ways. Adoption could be one way the Garuda Purana enlists
various alternatives for example for those without kids and who else can do
their final rites etc

------
jonsen
Kids? Just say no:

[https://aeon.co/essays/having-children-is-not-life-
affirming...](https://aeon.co/essays/having-children-is-not-life-affirming-
its-immoral)

~~~
NiceGuy_Ty
Doesn't this just make the argument that having kids is bad for them? That
doesn't affect whether or not it has a positive impact on the lives of the
couple.

Also, this assumes that you ascribe to the anti-natalism viewpoint, which to
me seems like as much of a thought experiment as nihilism.

------
htk
I didn’t plan to have kids, but I then read something that clicked in my head,
it was along the lines of “if you don’t have any children, your life is like a
dead-end road”. I had/have several arguments against having children
(inevitable death, crazy world, etc), but the dead-end road analogy made me
rethink everything; not in a egocentrical way, but made me think of how my
life is great and special and how I can give someone else the opportunity to
continue it, just like my parents did with me.

------
fit2rule
Simple answer: Because the world is full of stupidity and I wanted to do
something about that.

Complex answer: I feel that its important to continue the progress of
evolution, and my personal life has been very evolutionary: I've lived on
multiple continents, learned a couple of languages, discarded any
participation in my native culture, and discovered that ultimately all culture
is a lie. Cultures are a lie that persist only in the telling.

I've done a lot of fulfilling things in my life, and I've done quite a few
stupid things - I too am full of stupid. I'd quite like the world to be a
better place in 10 years, in 20 years, and in 50 years .. and one of the only
ways I can feel as if I've contributed to actually pushing things in a
positive direction is to have children, teach them the lessons I've learned,
and let them loose on the world. Some would consider this an egotistical,
arrogant, narcissistic point of view, but I do believe my children will bring
something to the world that wasn't there before. At least, that is the hope.

And amongst all the crazy chaos and stupidity, when I think about what really
gives me tangible hope, its children. Whether my own, or other children, the
experience of witnessing a child learning something I've come to take for
granted, and instantly pushing my own understanding beyond the curve with a
simple comment or two that I would never have considered, has been enough to
motivate me.

Children are hope, manifest.

Without hope, all is lost.

------
muzani
From an Asian perspective, children are a pension scheme and insurance policy.
It's a child's duty to support their parents on their old age.

My mother in law is semi paralyzed, and we support her. But it's hard because
my wife is an only child.

Also due to this cultural setting, there are few old folks homes, whether
government or private. Some are run strictly too where an old person can't
play with their phones at night, etc.

There's the Asian businessman aspect too - a father builds a legacy, and the
children take the business the father has established and expands it. It's a
fantasy, especially for those born with less of an advantage, who are
ambitious but want to pave the way for their children to live out those
ambitions.

From a religious perspective, a pious child will pray for their parents and
keep them out of hell. So it's an afterlife investment as well.

Materialism aside, children are fun. They're cute. On a rough day at work,
it's nice to have someone miss you.

They're nice to have around the house and nice to share the home with. What's
the point of becoming rich without someone to share it with? The spouse only
lives for so long. You need someone to be with in your 90s, someone to visit
you when all your friends are dead.

------
thom
Spent a large portion of my life devoted to making things, programming being a
great career for anyone with that compulsion. But nothing was quite as
astonishing as the idea of making a person, and more than that, creating brand
new _love_ out of nowhere, at a time in your life where it's possible to think
the amount of love in your life has plateaued.

There were other, worse reasons - at the time I felt like (vaguely)
intelligent people had an Idiocracy-style responsibility to try and make more
clever people, which isn't a point of view I like at all, looking back.
However, I _do_ think the world needs more _compassionate_ people, which I
think we've so far achieved. I also had a strong belief that I wanted to do a
better job than _my_ father, which isn't a particularly good reason to have
kids, but there you go.

It's a funny, difficult decision really. It's a very big commitment for an
introvert to make - I don't think there's a lot of advice out there for geeks
looking to procreate, who value their 'me' time very highly. And more
generally people don't talk about the negatives, which leads new parents to
doubt themselves when they hit the many, many rocky bits. There's a balance of
_wanting_ to have kids (perhaps for unfulfilled emotional needs), and thinking
you _should_ have kids that I suspect is impossible to get right.

Whether there's a good decision procedure to know if you'd be a good or happy
parent, I have no idea. If you think about everything you've ever seen a
person close to you do, good or bad, and imagine all those behaviours crammed
down into a frenetic 12 hours, every day, for a very long time, does that seem
fun to you?

------
icc97
* In a stable relationship

* Because I thought I could be a good dad

* Because I thought I had enough education and would enjoy teaching a mini person

* Selfishly, assuming you do a decent job, you'll have someone to help when you're older. Not as a carer but someone who can take major decisions on your behalf

* Because the world needs more scientists and I figured I could brainwash a new one

------
nickmancol
Context: My wife and I are software devs (C# / Java, Groovy, Pyhton, R), we
chosen to have a kid at the end of 2014 after living in some countries
together for 5 years, in 2016 we welcomed our first child. The first reason
was that we considered our relationship strong enough to give an opportunity
to a human being to be raised in a love home. We are very different from each
other but always we try to solve our differences with several conversations,
so we thought that a child raised with the ideas of diversity, dialogue, fun
and social compromise will be a good way to improve the world. We are also
considering to adopt in the future. The last reason was personal and cultural,
in my family I am the only brother that decided to have children and I love
the idea of teach alongside with my parents some of the important lessons that
I learned from them.

------
meheleventyone
I was and am in the best relationship of my life and she asked. Can’t say I
agreed without trepidation as I’ve not been around young kids since I was one
but it felt right. I think it was one of the best decisions of my life. A hell
of a lot of work that isn’t always very fun but ultimately the most rewarding
adventure.

------
3princip
We wanted children but were putting it off, actually I was putting it off with
the excuse that we had to get in a more stable financial situation. That was
just an excuse, the reason was immaturity on my part. I wasn't ready yet.

Got a well-paying job, there were no longer any obstacles that could be used
to rationalize, so with some apprehension we decided it was the right time to
try. After a few months she was pregnant. Our son was born 6 years ago, I was
27 at the time. We also have a daughter now.

It hasn't been easy, we don't rely on family or outside help to raise them,
mostly, and there are other things you simply can't predict. But such is life.
No regrets, life is much richer than before. Children add a new dimension to
life.

All the delays before we finally committed to having children seem so
pointless in retrospect. We were just putting off moving on in life.

------
lifeisstillgood
I doubt anyone chooses to have children in the sense you are thinking. The
biological urge and societal pressure is so huge it is almost always a
question of when not if.

Can I suggest a better question would be "why did you choose to have _more_
children?" And did the reasoning change from n+1 to n+2 ...

------
Yetanfou
We didn't so much 'choose to have children', we just chose not to abstain from
having children. We did choose to have sex and from sex you can get children.
There are all sorts of things you can do to try to keep them from being
conceived but they are generally boring, unhealthy, tedious, unpleasant or a
combination of those.

As to why we did not choose to abstain from having children - which in my
opinion would be the real choice to make given that having children is the
normal result of two healthy people of fertile age and opposite sex having
intercourse - I can but say that I wouldn't be here to argue this point if my
parents had made the choice to abstain from having children. I quite like
being here. This might sound trivial but it really isn't, just give it some
thought.

------
fendmark
We had a health scare that led us to accelerate our timeline (we had always
planned to have kids). My wife and I had our first kid at 30, second at 33.
The trend these days is definitely to wait till much later, but I can say that
I look forward to having the kids fully grown and on their own when I am in my
early 50's as opposed to my 60's.

That said as my Dad always said, there is no convenient time to have kids,
which couldn't be more true.

Having kids is an amazing journey, but not for everyone. I totally respect
people who choose not to have kids. With kids, at different times you will
think it is the best and worst decision you've ever made. Lots of highs and
lows. But ultimately it is very gratifying and helps you to better see the
world beyond yourself.

------
AndrewDucker
Context: First child is due in two months and a day.

I always assumed I wouldn't have kids, because I just never wanted to. And
then my brother had a kid, and I met someone who I thought I could actually be
a decent co-parent with, and the combination made me think it was totally
doable.

On top of that, I read about a longevity study which showed that connections
in old age are the biggest correlation to happiness. And when I imagined
myself aged 70 with kids, and aged 70 without kids, the first one made me feel
a lot happier.

I'm totally aware that having kids tends to cause a dip in happiness to start
with, but I'm fairly confident that I'll feel a lot happier, and better about
my place in the world, with children than I would without.

------
defen
Tone: deliberately somewhat inflammatory, in the hopes of sparking a
discussion; this is in addition to all the "standard" reasons people give.

Because most traits, including IQ and conscientiousness, are strongly
heritable, and therefore assortative mating + smart-people-not-having-kids is
one of the worst large-scale social dynamics happening today. Because people
who deliberately choose not to have kids when they are otherwise capable
(financially, mentally, physically) are free-riding on the hard work of
everyone else.

~~~
mnm1
Seems to me it's the people that have kids that generally free ride on
society, not the other way around (not that there's anything wrong with that).
Also, it's incredibly authoritative to expect people who are capable to have
kids. Romania tried that in the 70s and 80s with Ceauseascu banning all
contraception. Well the people gave him the only Christmas gift a person who
bans contraceptives ever deserves: execution. That was the greatest Christmas
in Romanian history.

~~~
oliwarner
There are other ways to influence this. The biggest problem society can face
in this regard is _unsupported_ children. No snobbery here but this is a
problem we can throw money at. Better schools, better class sizes, free school
meals to combat malnutrition, adult education to fight multi-generational
unemployment.

Middle class families are already doing their bit here. Additional income
taxes on DINKs (via higher base rates and breaks for supported children) could
really help the next generation of lower class children, and therefore society
as a whole.

------
munsonbh
Because every ancestor of mine has made the decision to do it, and it is
astoundingly presumptuous of me to think that if I have the opportunity to
raise kids well that I shouldn’t follow their lead.

Another way to put it: if my offspring keep the strain alive, maybe my genetic
code will live to see the end of history.

I now have two kids, and the thing that will overwhelm me with emotion is the
fact that I brought into the world beings that will both suffer and die. But I
never blame my parents for doing the same.

------
moreorless
The condom broke.

------
davidjgraph
Partner expecting 6th in May. I'd look at it the other way round, does anyone
who has children ever regret it? Personally, like the vast majority, not for a
second.

~~~
city41
Is that true though? It’s very socially unacceptable to publicly admit you
regret having kids, not to mention very damaging for the child if they found
out. There have been anonymous forums (Reddit AMAs come to mind) where people
have admitted they regret having kids.

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khedoros1
Through college and my late 20s, I wasn't interested in having children. When
I got married 5 years ago, I was happy just learning to live in marriage.
About a year in, we started talking about what we saw in the future. Over many
conversations, discussions of our financial situation, family medical
histories, and feelings, we decided that we both saw our family growing beyond
two people. It just felt like the natural next move.

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sbinthree
I have wanted to have kids since I was ten. I am in the process of having them
as early as I can and will have as many as I can afford or until my wife loses
interest. The main bottleneck is finding the right person for you, with shared
values and overlapping timelines. Once you have that, and you want to have
kids, why wait? Why have success, if not to share it?

I wanted to have kids to get fulfillment from the mentorship and difficulty. I
like to be behind the scenes, helping other people find success and
fulfillment, and primarily just providing a platform for them. I like to do it
on a small scale, with big impact. I like to pay for things for the people I
care about and watch them become independent of me. All of those things I
learned relatively early on and led back to the pattern of paternalism and
altruism in parenting. So I think I had the drive before I identified it as
kid-having.

I am not surprised at all that a lot of people are choosing not to have kids.
Many people seem disinterested in it and that to me leads to lose-lose
situations between the parents and kids. Many divorces seem to be based on the
fact that they only got married in the first place because of an accidental
child and then tried to do the "honourable" thing. If you don't want to have
kids, don't try to make yourself, just live somewhere where that is normal and
OK.

As a person, I tend to find meaning in a few select activities. I like work, I
work a lot, I enjoy it intrinsically and deeply. I always felt I would find
meaning in kids in a way equivalent or more so than I do in work. I find no
meaning in most friendships, institutions, "changing the world", cultural
traditions, status, etc. I just care about learning, working and having a big
impact on a small group of people around me (ie. family).

I think most people these days are too cautious when it comes to having kids
though. You really don't need to both have six figure incomes, own a house and
be in your mid-to-late thirties to be "ready". I think that culture is
shifting back though, as people who wait until too late have more fertility
issues and find it very tiring to keep up with the kids. It takes a village to
raise a child, you can't replace the village with two rich middle aged people,
that seems to just be a recipe for more misery than people who do it sooner.

I would choose this again 100%. I would always advise people, if you want to
have kids, and your partner doesn't, find someone who does because those
feelings don't go away. If you don't want to have kids, really really work to
avoid having kids, because feeling like a victim combined with this process
must be the definition of hell. It's not something you can be non-committal
about. It's, do I want to be all in on this, or not, one must decide.

~~~
UncleEntity
> I think most people these days are too cautious when it comes to having kids
> though.

I was talking with a woman just this morning about her kids, one starting
having kids at 13 and has 8 now and the other is 14, stays out till 3am (when
she comes home at all) and is probably on the fast track to becoming a baby
making machine.

I think a lot of people are entirely not cautious enough when it comes to
having children.

~~~
sosborn
The people who need to be cautious tend not to be, and vice versa.

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jinushaun
For me it was this simple: Because you can cross everything off your bucket
list—climb the highest mountains, sail across the ocean, become rich and
famous, whatever—but you’ll forever miss out on countless other milestones and
experiences if you never raise a child. IMHO, a bucket list that doesn’t
include kids will always be a bucket list that is half empty.

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strooper
We didn't choose, we just didn't prevent.

However, the impact was much greater than we had imagined. The sense of
responsibility increased my work efficiency (income) at least five fold, the
affection bound us all together like nothing else ever did before, and brought
out the parental qualities I never thought I had inside me.

...and after two years, the second one is on the way... :)

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LyndsySimon
If I'm being totally honest - probably a combination of "biological
imperative" and "cultural values".

I wouldn't change it for the world, but it's not like we sat down and did an
exhaustive analysis of the impact that it would have on our lives before we
made the decision. We both wanted kids, so we had them. QED.

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BatFastard
The "choice" to have children is the lizard part of the brain at the task its
been optimized for the last 500 million years, reproducing.

Some people try to rationalize the choice, but it is a primal driving force.
It can also been seen as the desire to have sex. Although in some
configurations there are less than optimal results.

~~~
BatFastard
That being said, I have found the process to be the most fulfilling of my
life. It has helped that we have made enough money to keep us comfortable and
allow our children to attend private schools, daycare, etc.

There is a balance, many of my sons don't really have a relationship with
their fathers. Seems to be less of an issue with my daughters friends. I
suspect I could have a much larger net worth if I had worked more. But I am
glad I made the choice of spending as much time with my kids as I could.

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pmarreck
Everything is awesome except the sex which only happens about once a month and
half the time results in... dissatisfaction, so I’m on the fence when it comes
to such a massive commitment, but leaving her would close to kill me so...
Maybe it doesn’t matter since sex seems to take a massive backseat after the
kids show up?

~~~
LyndsySimon
For me, I wouldn't say that it takes a backseat, so much as that _everything_
takes a backseat due to the immediacy of the needs of young children.

I think one of the important things you can do to build a lasting marriage is
to make sure you put your spouse ahead of your children on a regular basis,
even just in small ways. You have to maintain the intimacy in your
relationship even when it's not easy to do so. There's nothing wrong with
locking the bedroom door once in a while.

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smackay
For me it was a sense of obligation which was brought home after reading this
in the Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins: No doubt some of your cousins and
great-uncles died in childhood, but not a single one of your ancestors did.
Jerry Seinfeld then cemented my fate with "Don't break the chain".

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bwb
I choose to have kids because I wanted to see the world through their eyes, it
is like getting to both re-watch the world and see it through new eyes all at
the same time. And, better yet I get to play along, learn, and just be amazed.
I love it :).

This is also a reason why I got married, although under some other reasons.

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troglobit
I met the right person at the right moment in my life. Before that I didn't
want to procreate at all. It was not thought through, it suddenly just felt
like the right thing to do. Have not regretted that decision for a single day
of my life.

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vijayshankarv
Are there any women in this thread? As a male, would love to know more about
the female perspective.

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gyrgtyn
Life finds a way

