
Why smart people have no friends - nyodeneD
https://medium.com/@stephenbunch/why-smart-people-have-no-friends-fbdfb692120e
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Broken_Hippo
1\. Most smart people I've met that have few friends have few because they are
freaking weird to normal people, and lots of folks just can't tolerate it. I'm
not sure about the asbergers, since a lot of the vague lists I see also apply
to other problems, including being socially excluded at a young age - which,
coincidentally, many smart folks are.

2\. Whoever wrote this has had a much better social life than I ever have. I'm
somewhat envious, honestly, and have a lot of trouble figuring out what he's
complaining about.

3\. I'd more liken this to some sort of depression, because it can truly make
people not realize they have friends.

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jonnathanson
I'm not sure the piece answers the implicit question posed by the headline.
This seems less like a general lesson about "Why smart people have no
friends," and more like a personal story from which the author extrapolates
generalities. In this case, I found myself relating to a few of the author's
observations, but seldom agreeing with his conclusions.

And that's kind of the problem with generalizing from n=1, particularly when
n=self. We're not all the same. It may in fact be true that smart people have
a harder time making friends. (Or it may not be.) But if it is, and we're
going to make categorical statements about "smart people," we need to base
those statements on something other than personal anecdote -- _especially_
when we suspect that our personal lives are atypical in some way.

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halviti
I think this guy gets it wrong, and this has nothing to do with being 'smart',
but rather sitting somewhere along the aspergers/autism spectrum.

The one interesting takeaway for me was this:

"I realized that the reason people missed me was because they had received
positive energy from me. And the reason I didn’t miss them is because I rarely
received positive energy from them. But this wasn’t because they didn’t send
it. It was because I saw it coming. I expected it, and therefore could never
feel real gratitude."

I think he's on to something there that a lot of people like him might be
doing but not thinking about. How to address this knowledge is left for the
reader to determine.

~~~
tryitnow
Yes. There's even something about the "tone" of this piece that screams
"spectrum" to me.

As far as I know there's not reliable evidence that smart people have fewer
friends. In fact, I would hypothesize just the opposite. This is pretty easily
testable.

It sounds like he has a combination of Aspergers and depression. It's telling
that he doesn't mention seeking out a mental health care provider. That sounds
like the best course of action.

It's noteworthy that he was raised in a Christian household. Frankly, most
religions do not do a good job of taking mental health seriously.

I sympathize with this post because I was raised as a conservative Christian
and I had little to no exposure to modern mental health ideas when I was
growing up.

I ended up struggling massively with depression in my twenties because of it.
Finally, therapy and medication helped to change my life for the better, in a
way religion* never did (and probably couldn't).

I hope this guy gets good professional help. Apparently, he's a coder so he
can probably afford it. That would go a long way to solving his problems. It's
also the truly "smart" thing to do.

* This is not meant to disparage religion, there are plenty of good, well-qualified Christian therapist. Whatever your belief system, a trained professional is probably your best bet.

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BEEdwards
What a pointless article, it doesn't actually addressed its own headline...

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tenken
Ya just replace the word "Smart" with "Autism Spectrum" and you've got a lead
on your issues...

~~~
humbleMouse
That's what I was thinking as well.

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onetimePete
Ever tried to philosophize about unfix-able mindbugs (aka retardations) that
every human (including those discussing these) have, in a bar with another
smart guy/girl? If you are smart you will perceive reality, and many prefer to
not do so. For them reality is a insult, and the truth can be voted for with
fists and not arguments. And if the arguments are stronger, they would punch
Darwin in the face to remain ignorant. They want the benefits of science, but
they don't want to really go on the full intellectual adventure, with all its
insults, its discoverys of weak spots and its inherent uncertainty. You are
alone then, because you are alone. You can not friend with someone who can not
understand your situation. If you befriend a dog, the dog sets the limits of
understanding to which this relationship can grow. The dog will not speculate
on quantum physics with you. Well not today. Well not today in every part of
the world that is not the valley. I'm fairly certain. In a way, with all that
awesome shared, you have equals. And there obsession, and dedication, is at
least a relationship. Not in person. But its not lonely.

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orasis
The author claims he can't feel the positive emotions because he expects what
is coming.

One can train their brain to avoid this trap. I am a "smart" person, but
through Vipassana meditation and gratitude practices, my mind is now more
attuned to the novelty and spontaneity of the present moment. It's not
perfect, but is significantly better than my former clouded way of
experiencing.

~~~
chiph
How does Vipassana help you in this? Just thinking about it - observing that
your breaths are long or short, and other mindfullness meditations - would
seem to me to make you less present, and disconnect you from the local
environment - and become more of a remote observer.

~~~
orasis
The practice of Vipassana is to observe present experience nonjudgmentally and
to eventually meld with present experience so there is no Observer. So it's
the exact opposite of what you're describing.

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dudul
Title : Why smart people have no friends

Opening line : To this day, I’ve always had trouble making friends.

Are we supposed to assume that the author is indeed smart?

~~~
createeny
He needs to provide his MENSA membership card and his Facebook friends list.

I'm a strict empiricist; I could never be friends with a rationalist.

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c--misura
I'm tired of these "I'm smart X is hard" articles. When I read posts like this
I have a nagging feeling that the authors are just as interested in
proclaiming their "smartness" as they are in publishing meaningful
observations.

~~~
Hydraulix989
That's an unfortunate misinterpretation. Being "smart" is a part of one's
identity, and the author is merely examining his present situation through
that lens.

------
ahoy
"7 Reasons Why Introverted Libras Are Actually Geniuses"

hard pass

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rossdavidh
TIL that either I am dumb, or all of my supposed friends are phonies.

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coreyp_1
This describes me.

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Hydraulix989
Like most people on HN, I like to think I'm at least somewhat "smart" at least
by some metrics, so what I've found works is actually "dumbing myself down" by
not showing others my intelligence. I've made a lot of "normal" friends that
way actually.

Here's why (written from others' perspective in the second person):

For whatever reason, most people are really put off by you "smart people" \--
you're "different," and us humans are evolutionarily wired to be suspicious of
things that are "different."

You say things we don't understand, or you may challenge our core beliefs, and
we humans do not like people like you who say or do things like that -- it
immediately incites distrust in you and makes it VERY hard to relate with you.
We think you are trying to trick us.

You're deviating from the "herd" in society through thought, and we're a
social species, so such deviations come with consequences in the form of
ostracization.

Your interests are things we don't understand (and so we don't care about)
like "reading," "coding," and "mathematics," and we can't get a good read on
what you are like as a person, so we (unfortunately) resort to thinking you
are arrogant -- that you think you are too good to show us what you're truly
thinking about.

You might have used your intelligence to make money, now you're just another
rich asshole, etc...

For all of these reasons, we feel "inferior" to you, because like most people,
we feel very insecure about ourselves and where we fit in society. Thus, we
are overly sensitive to anything you say that might even remotely imply that
you are smarter than us. "That guy just used a 'big word,' he's full of
himself." And we're jealous that you have something that we don't have because
you are smart. We think you are happier than we are and have a better life
than us (even though you actually aren't) because "the grass is greener."

\-- and then there's the philistine aspect of American culture --

It's not "cool" to study and be smart 'round these parts. You're a "nerd." We
don't associate with "nerds" because they will lower our social status.

You have trouble relating with us because of your "intelligence," but we see
that as you being aloof or "stuck up." You think you're too good to be our
friend (even though it's actually an oil and vinegar type mixture -- an
incompatibility, if you will).

And just throwing it out there, I think a lot of smart people are misdiagnosed
as "autism spectrum" because the diagnosing physician/psychologist falls more
moderately on the "intelligence spectrum" and so is biased by their same
visceral "weirded out" reaction to their diagnosee. Either that, or (less
likely) autism and intelligence are two sides of the same coin. Or the
"disorder" (or should I say, label?) was fabricated because such "intelligence
people" \-- THOSE people -- MUST have something wrong with them because of all
of the above reasons.

It's also my hypothesis that at least some of the "techie backlash" in San
Francisco is the result of the above -- unfortunately, the in-group effects
caused by grouping together a lot of "intelligent people" together who suffer
from the above ostracization is a perfect storm for dividing a population into
"us" and "them" factions, even though, ironically, San Francisco's "nativist"
population was really formed under similar ideals (i.e. "we're the weird ones,
come join us").

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jackcn
It's like I just read a 16-year old girl's livejournal. Great stuff HN.

~~~
dang
Please don't make HN even worse by posting empty snark.

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Disruptive_Dave
What did I just read?

>If you’ve ever hung out with a bunch of Christians, the first thing you
probably notice is that they’re always smiling.

What???

