

Ask HN: Etiquette at conferences? - typicalday

I'm curious if there are any good books or online resources or even coaches/tutors for etiquette and manners, particularly as it applies to academic and tech conferences...<p>I don't mean like where you put your fork and knife but more:<p>- how to get in and out of a conversation circle<p>- event invitations: when is it ok to go and not go<p>- what's the appropriate amount to talk about yourself and your idea<p>- how to identify this conversation is going nowhere<p>- how to approach FAMOUS GUY<p>- how to appropriately ask your friend to introduce you to his friend, FAMOUS GUY<p>- etc
======
RBr
Here are a couple of things that I've learned specific to your questions.
They're sure no book, but I don't think that a practical guide exists. Being
good at conferences is as individual as writing code - it's an extension of
yourself.

\- how to get in and out of a conversation circle

If people are heavily engaged, this is very difficult and you can easily step
on the toes of the folks engaged in conversation. Generally, as long as the
conversation doesn't "feel" private, stand near the circle and nod a lot.
Then, when you have something truly intelligent to add, offer that up.
Instantly, you will then be part of the conversation. If you don't have an
intelligent part to add, don't. Use this opportunity to break into another
group by saying "Bill over there was just talking about tktkt, what do you
think of that?"

\- event invitations: when is it ok to go and not go

Private events are not ok. Don't show up at the bar or otherwise crash it. Get
on the list and do it the right way. At some large, stupidly exclusive events
such as Ted, it's ok to show up in the hotel bar and mingle with the folks who
paid to be there.

\- what's the appropriate amount to talk about yourself and your idea

I use personal information to engage others to talk about themselves. I don't
directly talk about myself. A natural part of conversation is to engage people
personally in a back-and-forth manner. However, if someone talks about their
office in San Francisco, exchange a fact about yourself that involves the
area. Use tidbits of information about yourself to engage, not fill
conversation. When asked, answer every single personal question honestly and
deeply. This goes a long way to developing a relationship. It is however handy
to have a few interesting, entertaining stories about yourself. This makes for
great dinner conversation where back-and-forth often turns into somewhat of a
round-robin of stories.

\- how to identify this conversation is going nowhere

I never assume that a conversation isn't going anywhere. One of my biggest pet
peeves at conferences are folks who are only there to talk to the heavy
hitters. I get wanting to maximize your time, but understand that no single
group of people or individual is as valuable as the collection of people
attending a conference. There are usually very large brain trusts at events
and if you can get a feel for the entire crowd and even have a set of
questions answered by a variety of people, this is the best case scenario.
Remember that conversations have a natural arc. If you feel stuck in a
conversation, you need to learn how to naturally arc the conversation earlier
so that you can gracefully move without being noticed.

\- how to approach FAMOUS GUY

Remember that you likely won't actually have a discussion with famous people
at events. Famous folks (no matter if they're on the bill or not) talk to a
lot of people at events and the chance of you gaining any insight or that they
will even remember you after you walk away is negligible. My best advice is
that if you have some business with someone famous to walk up to him or her
after he or she is done presenting, when you notice that they have a quite
moment or if all else fails after they come out of the bathroom (never while
in the bathroom). Quietly but confidently say something like "Hi Jimmy, my
name is John, I know this isn't a great place to talk, but I've come here just
to introduce myself in the hope that we can talk again. Here's my card with a
note on the back about what I want to talk about. Could you give me a call
when you have time or could I call you?"

\- how to appropriately ask your friend to introduce you to his friend, FAMOUS
GUY

I wouldn't sweat famous people too much. Sure, they look cool and have cool
people around them, but for the most part, they're just people with more money
then you. The real question that you should be sweating over is, what are you
going to do so that people want to be introduced to you? It doesn't matter if
your friend knows a music legend or is dating a model, people are people. If
you hang around the right people enough, you'll get to know famous people
without trying. Specifically at conferences, I'd think carefully about how
much value waiting in line (and there is always a line) to talk to someone
famous is. Personally, I'd rather talk to everyone in that line and everyone
else at the event and then, if need be, talk to the famous person outside of
the busy event to connect some dots.

~~~
jackowayed
One thing to add: I learned at Startup School that if you really want to talk
to FAMOUS GUY at a conference, do it _before_ he speaks.

At Startup School, every presenter was swamped with people after his talk,
even the ones who really weren't that famous. But all of the presenters, even
Ron Conway, had few enough people trying to talk to them before the spoke that
they were quite approachable.

It also shows them that you knew who they were before the conference, which
probably gives them a slightly better impression of you.

~~~
Zev
_One thing to add: I learned at Startup School that if you really want to talk
to FAMOUS GUY at a conference, do it before he speaks._

Never been to Startup School, but, I've found this to be the case at pretty
much every conference I've been to.

I usually just go "Hey, nice presentation," maybe adding something like "I
really liked the bit about $foo," and then disappear from the group. There's
usually a chance to catch up everyone later on - either after other people
have presented and they're not as busy or over drinks later on in the evening.

------
jseifer
Do not awkwardly kiss and subsequently force your hand down female conference-
goers underwear.

~~~
robryan
<http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1875718> What the parent post is
referring to if anyone missed it.

------
rguzman
"working a room" is actually fairly difficult as there are probably not very
many rules of thumb that you can follow that don't have exceptions. You have
to be sensitive to social cues and have tact.

Getting in and out of conversation circles: hang out nearby and eavesdrop. If
the conversation sounds like one that you have something to contribute, wait
until you have something to say and there is an adequate lull in the
conversation to jump in. It doesn't matter if what you have to say refers to
earlier in the conversation "I overheard you said x a while ago,..."

What's appropriate amount to talk about yourself/idea: as little as possible
unless you are trying to sell to the person listening (and even in that case,
as little as possible, but more than otherwise). People like to talk about
themselves. Good conversationalists mostly listen and interject with anecdotes
of their own that are relevant and the other person can relate to.

How to approach FAMOUS GUY: just do it. Wait for your chance and then "Hello.
I'm x. Big fan. ..." Most FAMOUS GUYs are used to being approached and know
how to deal with unwanted attention. Just be polite.

How to ask your friend for an introduction: I assume you mean "how to ask
someone you don't know too well for an introduction" -- if it were your
friend, just ask bluntly. If it is not your friend, ask bluntly, but provide a
little bit more context. Why do you want said introduction, what's the goal,
etc.

The best advice: just be yourself. You look approachable when you are
comfortable.

Another piece of advice: don't look busy/purposeful. When you are by yourself,
just stand in one place, smile at everyone, and wait until you see people that
are by themselves. Introduce yourself simply.

Edit: whoaz, I wrote a lot more than I thought I would -- I should disclose
that while I think all of the above are good tips, I suck at many of them
myself.

------
jamesbritt
"how to appropriately ask your friend to introduce you to his friend, FAMOUS
GUY"

Well, to turn this around: After attending the first few Ruby confs (though I
missed #1) I was pleasantly surprised to find that matz not only recognize me
when he saw me, but remembered my name.

At some point I was attending Ruby conferences with coworkers or friends who
were going for their first time, and when I would run into matz I made a point
of going over to say hello, and also introduce these conf newbies. And I would
try to do this for anyone else I thought my cohorts would be interested in
meeting.

For the longest time I had been a horribly shy person, and I still often have
to force myself to do certain social things, so I figure if I can help someone
else get over that initial hurdle by doing a few introductions then the world
is a better place.

So, all you people who have already established assorted acquaintances, help
broaden the circle.

BTW, most of the time FAMOUS PERSON is pretty nice and happy to meet people
who say how great they are and how cool their work is. :) So in the absence of
a formal introduction, just go over and introduce yourself. That's kind of the
point of conferences.

------
petervandijck
Dodgy title but good advice: How to win friends and influence people.
<http://amzn.to/aEYc04>

For conferences: try to contact people that are going beforehand and talk
about stuff over email. It's easier to follow up in person than to start from
scratch in person.

------
devmonk
I think you are worrying about it too much. Just be yourself.

If you are doing interesting things, then other people will want to talk with
you. If you aren't, they won't. You can be personable and likable, and they
might talk with you, and maybe you'll get an in somewhere, but if you aren't
aiming for anything in particular, what difference will it make?

------
trouble
I haven't had a chance to go to any academic conferences yet, but I was
involved in a discussion regarding networking at conferences with one of my
professors [1] earlier this year. Some of his suggestions were,

\- don't sit with people you already know. Make a point of sitting with people
you don't know for seminars, workshops, meals etc.

\- same for queues. If you're with friends, queue up separately for a chance
to talk to new people.

\- only fill your cup a little at those meet and greet events with food and
drinks. This way, if you get stuck in a conversation that's not going
anywhere, you've always got an excuse to leave - to re-fill your cup.

I realise these don't really address the questions the OP asked, but I thought
I'd add them. Hopefully someone else will have some thoughts, because I'm
interested too.

[1] <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hugh_Possingham>

------
gasull
_\- how to get in and out of a conversation circle_

What I usually do is approaching a 3-people circle. They usually welcome you.
If it's a 2-people "circle" then it might be a somewhat private conversation.
And if there are 4 people or more then it's starting to be crowded.

------
noahc
Here are a few pointers:

1\. Find a way to help everyone. Tell them, "hey, give me your e-mail address
and I'll e-mail you x" or "Hey, e-mail me and I'll send that website/book/pdf
I was talking about." Don't even talk about your projects. When you send the
e-mail put something about it in the signature. They'll check it out. Follow
up 3 weeks later.

2.Why do you want to talk to the famous guy? Is it because if he just tweets
or blogs or knows about your app you're going to be big? You won't be big
because he knows about it, but you'll probably be big if 20 up and coming
people know about it. Hit them up, and you actually stand a chance.

3.Think about your personal brand (I struggle with this!) before you get
there. Are you the newbie with something to prove, the expert, the rags to
riches b2b story. All your stories, interactions have to match this personal
brand. It should be an extension of your online presence (HN comments, blog,
twitter, etc)

------
zatara
I had the same curiosity when I started graduate studies. This book helped a
lot, it goes through this and many other academic/technical issues, giving a
good insight on the "non-spoken" rules of the game and how scientists actually
think. It was some kind of an underground classic at the time I went through
it (earlier edition) and a very light and entertaining read.

[http://www.amazon.com/Winning-Games-Scientists-Play-
Sinderma...](http://www.amazon.com/Winning-Games-Scientists-Play-
Sindermann/dp/0738204250/)

------
bjonathan
Some conference tips from Colette Ballou (from BALLOU PR <http://BallouPr.com>
):
[http://search.twitter.com/search?q=&ands=Conference+tips...](http://search.twitter.com/search?q=&ands=Conference+tips%3A&phrase=&ors=&nots=&tag=&lang=all&from=coletteballou&to=&ref=&near=&within=15&units=mi&since=&until=&rpp=15)

------
siracguy
One approach I've found useful when trying to meet any of the speakers at a
conference (which I assume includes the FAMOUS GUY you refer to): find the
speaker in some other setting at the conference, such as when everyone picks
up a boxed lunch and sits at random tables, or people are standing around
outside the conference room. At that point, the speaker is just another person
hanging out (unless the person is REALLY FAMOUS, and getting mobbed all the
time). I once met the Fed CTO at a Starbucks just outside the conf center.

Right after a speech is the WORST time to try to strike up a conversation with
a speaker, as some of the other commenters have pointed out - at that point,
they're usually surrounded by a group of people handing them business cards
and talking at them; yet that's when most people try to meet them.

Getting a friend to introduce you to someone he or she knows is usually the
best way; most people will be happy to perform an introduction if you just
ask. In the worst case, they can just tell you that they're not comfortable
doing it.

------
sb
Hi,

there is some advice out there for (successfully) attending academic
conferences:

\-
[http://www.cs.washington.edu/homes/mernst/advice/conference-...](http://www.cs.washington.edu/homes/mernst/advice/conference-
attendance.html) (Michael Ernst's homepage has other excellent information,
too)

\-
[http://www.cs.indiana.edu/how.2b/how.2b.community.html#confe...](http://www.cs.indiana.edu/how.2b/how.2b.community.html#conferences)

All in all, I think this complements some of the already mentioned comments.
However, some advice in here is clearly geared towards non-acacdemic venues
(for example, I never saw anyone at an academic venue speaking about business
ventures and/or monetary issues--aside of ill-fated research policies.)

------
phamilton
Is there a specific conference you are going to?

------
drakep
Having been to several conferences my only advice would be do everything with
confidence and a big smile.

As an undergraduate I approached many famous people in my field with nothing
more than a smile and a hand out, they all understand where you are having
been there themselves at some point.

Usually they will ask you what you're doing and show some kind of interest in
your work or ideas.

