
Living, in Limbo - alcio
http://hintjens.com/blog:121
======
ci5er
Memento Mori.

I want to simply declare that the iMatix state machine generator (Libero) and
cross-platform library(ies) (SMT/SFL) saved my project/company from certain
destruction in 1996. And I never had the opportunity to thank you/him/them for
that.

I'm a C guy, so admittedly old-fashioned, but I still use that FSM generator
language more than twice/year. FSMs rock (I came from circuits) and this is
the best business-language-to-compiled-software-description thing I have ever
met.

Thank you.

~~~
PieterH
My pleasure. Libero and SFL were my first open source projects and I'm glad
they were useful.

~~~
ci5er
I want you to know, that at every level, for me, you were loved, received and
admired. I don't know the controls of this system well enough to be able to PM
you that, but you should know this... Thank you.

~~~
PieterH
:-) I appreciate it, truly.

------
sdfin
The proximity of death turns many people philosophical. I like reading what
people think when looking at life from that perspective. I also enjoyed
reading an article which was posted in HN some years ago, about the more
common regrets of people on their deathbeds:
[https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-
fiv...](https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-
of-the-dying)

~~~
seletskiy
Personally, that behaviour strikes me most.

Why, only on the edge of dying, people suddenly becomes "philosophical" and
aware of their life and surroundings? Yet, it's obvious for all of us, that
everyone now living will be dead after several decades. And no one seems to be
really caring.

For whatever reason people express strong grief about dead or soon-to-be-dead
in the manner, that they by themselves will never ever die, and it's so tragic
and unexpected, that someone dies.

I just don't get it, how it happens, that we have world based on the cult of
death and yet just everyone living in the illusion, that their existence will
never end?

~~~
gph
I think at the end of life people reflect more on themselves and their own
personal beliefs on how the world works.

But when we are living in the thick of it we live much more within each other
and the greater whole of society because we have to. That's how we survive. We
give up some of our brainspace to ideas and systems that are built communally,
both on a local/familial level and on an entire social level.

In other words, we spend a lot of our time going with the flow and allowing
our opinions to be shaped by those we trust or love. Or at least I think
that's part of it.

Edit: And in that sense we see individuals dying, but as we live we don't
necessarily ponder ourselves dying as an individual because much of what we do
and care about on a day to day basis will outlive us e.g. our families and
ideals.

~~~
seletskiy
Living for greater whole of society yet not thinking about own mortality looks
like moving in wrong direction for me. They are not contrary lifestyles. The
only problem with highest priority we all having right now as a humanity is
very short lifespan and mortality.

I do not see much difference in dying in the next 12 month or next 40 years.

~~~
PieterH
As a parent who's been the primary caregiver for my young kids for years, it
pains me to die when they aren't able to look after themselves yet. It is my
one regret, really. So another 20 years would be cool from that perspective.

There's also the difficulty in forming any real plans, which often take a few
years, if you don't have some belief that you'll live to see them through.

So telling ourselves "I'm going to live forever" (or at least 20 years more)
is a basis for making long term plans like buying a house, having children,
planting a garden...

------
xgbi
I remember the shortness of breath during my chemo. It wasn't lung cancer so
it might be linked to the effects of the chemicals you get every other week.

The red blood cells being wiped over and over when the Chemo destroys
everything probably leads to a worse oxygenation.

Wish you a good holiday, enjoy some good wine over there while you're at it!

~~~
PieterH
Good point. Well, I'm going to get three whole weeks without chemo soon, so
I'll know whether it's that or just my lungs slowly filling up with junk.

~~~
petewailes
Fingers crossed it's the chemo

------
jay_m
Recommend reading this piece:
[http://hintjens.com/blog:115](http://hintjens.com/blog:115) for some context,
and because it's excellent.

Glad to see another update from Pieter, I hope he finds his way out of limbo,
preferably healthy.

------
yadongwen
Not sure what kind of cancer you have. There are so much progress in this
field and I believe many types of cancer can be controlled now. My mom has
NSCLC. It's been two years and it's very likely she'll be just fine in the
next a few years. Please do not give up..

~~~
PieterH
I wish you strength and courage. Spend time with your mom and tell her how
much you love her, every chance you get. My own cancer is of the bile duct,
spread to my lungs after five years' silence. I've accepted as fact that it's
terminal, there is only "when", no "if". And even "when" is out of my hands,
it's down to unreadable factors in my DNA and environment.

~~~
suddenseizure
I wish you strength and courage too. My wife was recently diagnosed with a
brain tumor (had no idea until I woke up to her having a seizure in bed next
to me) and my previous world, all our plans, have shattered. The horrible
thing about brain cancer is that radiation degrades you mentally very quickly.
So we are thinking of opting for chemo only for now. Hoping that the quality
vs quantity of life trade-off is worth it. Praying for a miracle cure before
radiation is necessary.

We were planning to have kids in the next year or so. Now we're doing
fertility preservation in case the chemo makes her infertile. I'm wondering if
I can cope as a single dad if things come to that. I have a good paying tech
job but everything in the Bay Area is so expensive, especially with kids.

~~~
ams6110
There's a world outside the bay area, even in technology, and it's a lot less
expensive.

------
FuNe
All the best and the most pleasant holiday possible :)

First time I read something of the guy and his blog made an entrance in my
quick dial.

I take he lives in Germany. That is one of the best and free healthcare
systems in Europe (if not the world). Timely and hassle-free access to
medication and care is hugely important when you race against time. Kudos to
the system there.

~~~
nindalf
He lives in Belgium, because he says "thanks for coming to Brussels"

------
ngrilly
I'm always impressed by the depth and quality of Pieter Hintjens' writings,
even more in such a difficult moment. He must be a remarkable mind. Kudos for
fighting this, and keeping thinking.

------
darshwithsmile
Wonderful article, and full of life. After reading it, i strongly believe
people live on will power rather than anything else, surviving such harsh
treatment is very difficult, but the power of our loved once keep us get
going.

One of my uncle had throat cancer, and I feel that rather than the disease its
the Chemo that was doing harm to him. As I can see him transform from a
healthy person to a weak and slim one.

I really appreciate the courage @PeterH is showing, and motivating the people
around the world.

------
richforrester
Hey Pieter; thanks. Wish you the best for however long you're around. I hope
you can make limbo work for as long as it lasts.

------
timClicks
You're an inspiration Pieter. Thank you for all of your contributions to
building a better world.

------
zsellera
He's a true renaissance man; Here's a great interview with him on his life:
[https://changelog.com/205/](https://changelog.com/205/)

------
fasteo
I can only hope to face death like you are doing, without the drama, being
realistic but not losing hope, being pragmatic and having the courage to keep
enjoing life with your family.

Thank you.

------
isuckatcoding
Seems like a very smart, humble guy. Would love to see him speak sometime.

[https://vimeo.com/78082850](https://vimeo.com/78082850)

------
k__
Chemo is really crazy.

A friend of mine had brain-cancer and got chemo every month or so.

While the chemo was running he looked like he would die any moment.

When it was done he looked like he wasn't even sick.

This went on for years till he died two years ago.

------
sneak
What a class act this Mr. Hintjens is!

------
nickpsecurity
@ PieterH

"Lots of time, mostly at home, no long term plans. And yet it has been hard.
It's taken me a month to start on this article. In limbo, it is so much easier
to just switch off, become passive. It doesn't matter anyhow, does it."

I know the feeling from a brain injury that cost most of my memory, learning,
and analytical capabilities. I've been wanting to do some deep analysis and
coding for high-assurance systems but chunks of knowledge, motivation, or
mental capacity for some analysis just aren't there. Easier to take a mental
break, too, than tackle the stuff. I've gotten quite a bit done over the years
with specific strategies, though, that might help you. Not sure if it will or
won't as your situation is clearly a bit different but does have similarities.
Worth a try.

To start with, keep it simple and incremental. Even my thoughts & non-coding
projects I do almost Niklaus Wirth style where each piece, from how I describe
it to how it do it, is individually pretty simple. Also helps to reuse ideas &
work as much as possible in new thoughts to reduce brain drain. Doing it
incrementally is most important, though. This applies to both code, writing,
and planning. (Sound like programming/engineering yet?) You can tackle almost
nothing or a lot but you at least see pieces of it forming that both motivate
and act as leverage for next pieces. Also, opposite of decomposition in
software, gradually refactor the simple ideas or jobs into more complex ones
maintaining simple interfaces or ways of putting them together. Idea being
that complex stuff is hard to make with brain trying to turn off whereas small
changes merging simple pieces is easier (not easy).

I do an example with book you want to work on. Writing a book is a lot of work
that your brain won't let you do it seems. So, screw writing a book. Instead,
keep two files or sets of them: one an outline-in-progress to structure your
ideas; one a list of them in terms of techniques, explanations, code examples,
and so on. Just keep adding stuff... little by little or a lot if a burst of
mental energy... to the category on the right gradually refactoring the left
(directory) with labels or pointers to stuff on right (content). For specific
stuff, start simple while refactoring into complex. You might describe a
problematic situation with an English description or solution with little
text... just enough to remember what you were thinking. Another day add some
specifics and/or code to it. Another day a little more or a footnote.
Eventually, you end up with what can be turned straightforward into a book
(SUCCESS) or a collection of useful information (LESS SUCCESS) others can
build on. This approach has no failure mode since some wisdom is better than
none. Peer review helps, though, to catch little inaccuracies bound to sneak
in. That's normal, though.

So, outline, simplify, maximal reuse in ideas/code/explanations/structuring,
refactor to add complexity later if too much now, and just accept work might
be more wiki than book at least for now. These are how a semi-brain-dead
individual like myself musters on despite it not wanting to cooperate
something like 50-80% of the time. Hopefully, yours has more steam than that
and similarly good results. :)

------
james-watson
Surprisingly strong opinions on world politics, without much evidence.

I have the utmost sympathy for the plight of the chronically ill, but to
decree a referendum result as "madness" is slightly egotistical.

Perhaps those who are outraged by world events merely don't see the full
picture? Perhaps their protective shells work too well, and they are insulated
from the reality with which the masses must contend?

Worth pondering.

~~~
fennecfoxen
Well, if you're looking for facts to back up the idea that Brexit is
"madness", the value of the Pound immediately fell from ~$1.50 USD to ~$1.30
USD, in about a single day. It's not as mad as _dropping atom bombs_ , but it
seriously indicates a retreat from stability and a headlong rush into the
unknown.

And as no one meaningfully important has put forward a plan about what sort of
exit Brexit is going to take, that unknown is very uncertain indeed. Long-term
things like real estate investment and corporate mergers are on hold, EU
students going to British colleges are wondering if they'll be allowed to
complete their university education (probably? but still) and vice versa...

~~~
VLM
Part of not making a connection and talking past is refusal to acknowledge the
supporters know and understand all that, yet found the alternative to be even
worse.

On this side of the pond there's a mindset where people say the US
Constitution is not a suicide pact. There is an analogy to EU membership.
There's no glory or honor in riding a sinking ship to the bottom. Better to be
the first guy out than the last.

------
simplify
> Lesson is: take your medicine. It may hurt, yet the alternative will hurt
> more.

There is something I've recently realized. Hospitals are optimized to receive
patients, control the situation, prevent pain & death, and then hope for the
best. In other words, _traditional medicine doesn 't actually heal you_. It
only controls the situation, and trusts that your body will heal itself.

This was a strange realization to make. My whole life I've always associated
medicine with healing. But now I see that, although very useful, medicine only
serves as a band-aid. It doesn't solve the underlying problem.

I think we as a society need to realize this. Not because traditional medicine
is bad (it has helped save countless lives, for sure), but because we need to
start looking into alternative medicine that could potentially provide actual
healing. There's currently a stigma of anything that isn't a traditional drug
/ pill... we need to progress past this mindset.

Edit: Sorry for being overly broad. I have more in mind physical and mental
health conditions. Regardless, instead of downvotes, how about we have an
enlightening discussion?

Edit 2: I misspoke "traditional medicine"; but what I meant was "western
medicine", as I was kindly corrected by maxerickson. I apologize for the
confusion.

~~~
0942v8653
This issue is, from what I've gathered, fairly recent, and amounts to what
some would call a crisis in psychiatry; there's a strong incentive for drug
makers to prefer a repeating, temporary solution over a permanent one. Even if
a permanent drug was researched, tested, and approved, it would be hard to
come by because it would basically be a net loss for the company. However, it
remains to be seen how viable "actual healing" is for a chronic problem—mental
health or otherwise.

In my opinion, taking things from your perspective is going to be very hit-
and-miss. Combined with the replication issues that seem to crop up in these
fields, a great deal of money and energy might be spent on a non-drug remedy
that is simply a more effective placebo. It could take years to figure out
whether a treatment provides life-lasting effects.

~~~
tedks
Patents last 20 years.

If any company, today, cured major depression with a drug, it would be making
essentially monopoly profits for at least five, while analogs were found, at
at most until 2036.

I come from a cognitive/social psychology background; it is mostly social
psychology that has a replication crisis. Double-blind drug trials, even with
psychiatric drugs, are usually fairly well done. (That doesn't mean the theory
behind these drugs is necessarily sound, and in fact we're learning that a
large class of drugs, SSRIs, may only provide a primary effect along a
previously though auxiliary axis).

It seems hard to argue that any alternative medicine field is as productive or
as effective, empirically speaking, as the drug companies. They have huge
incentive to win big and they go for it all the time. In the US they can sway
things a little with ads, but only after they get past our admittedly corrupt
regulatory gatekeepers, and only in that market. A cure for major depression
alone would be 7-20 years of guaranteed monopoly profits. There is not a drug
company in the world that would keep pressing SSRIs if that sort of treatment
was available. The brand loyalty alone would be well worth it.

This isn't to argue against anything, really, except that psychiatric drug
manufacturers have incentive not to produce cures. They assuredly do.

