
Ask HN: How to stop being a worrier? - alltakendamned
I&#x27;m the kind of person who for every single situation runs all scenarios through his head and thinks about all of the 27 possible outcomes, and has thought extensively about each of them in an &quot;if this happens then I&#x27;ll do that&quot; manner.<p>In most of the cases, things turn out fine and all the worrying was unnecessary.<p>I feel this affects my quality of life negatively and would love to not do this as often. Unfortunately, simply saying &quot;stop doing that&quot; doesn&#x27;t work too well.<p>Any tips on how to stop being a worrier, or how to approach life in a more positive manner ?
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this2shallPass
Meditate, do Cognitive Behavior Therapy, exercise, sleep better, eat better,
and cultivate relationships with people. Generally, be more present.

Short book on meditation: [https://www.amazon.com/Sit-Like-Buddha-Pocket-
Meditation/dp/...](https://www.amazon.com/Sit-Like-Buddha-Pocket-
Meditation/dp/1611801656)

Longer book: [https://www.amazon.com/Mind-Illuminated-Meditation-
Integrati...](https://www.amazon.com/Mind-Illuminated-Meditation-Integrating-
Mindfulness/dp/1501156985/)

Also, try some guidelines to help you choose more intentionally when and how
to analyze things. Is it no topic is worth thinking through all outcomes? Or,
important topics are worth it, and they are x, y and z? Or, I can do that type
of thinking only an hour a day, from 7-8pm? Once a week? A therapist and trial
and error can help you figure out what works for you.

Have a counterfactual behavior that you'll do when you notice you're analyzing
when you didn't intend to. E.g. if I notice I'm thinking through scenarios,
I'll acknowledge that, then focus on my breath.

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BjoernKW
Two common recommendations are practising Stoicism and / or meditation because
these approaches can help you to put things into perspective.

One key insight often promoted through meditation for instance is that you’re
not your thoughts.

A Stoicism-related technique that might be particularly useful in your case is
Tim Ferriss’ fear-setting: [https://tim.blog/2017/05/15/fear-
setting/](https://tim.blog/2017/05/15/fear-setting/)

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raptorraver
I’m currently reading a book where Nokia’s Head of Board Risto Siilasmaa
explains how his ”paranoid optimism” has helped him a lot in leading the
transformation of Nokia. He says that he has a habit of always thinking
through all the bad outcomes of different situation but through optimism. I
believe this book could help you.

Link to the book: [https://www.paranoid-optimist.com/](https://www.paranoid-
optimist.com/)

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czbond
I would suggest learning decision trees (which you are doing "mentally"
currently), as well as probabilistic thinking. Also, start to slowly accept
that some things are worth worrying about, and many you can just roll with the
punches. I ask myself - could I change this in the future if it is a wrong
decision, or will this cost me a lot in career, finance, life satisfaction.
Also assess if you're a control freak, and either how to mitigate it, or how
to use it to your best advantage.

Link: Decision tree primer [https://hbr.org/1964/07/decision-trees-for-
decision-making](https://hbr.org/1964/07/decision-trees-for-decision-making)

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tjkrusinski
Worrying is pretty normal. We all do it. There are a lot of ways to approach
trying to worry less, however as you said you can't "just stop".

I'd recommend seeing a therapist and developing a treatment plan together.
It's a practical way to identify what you are worrying about, why and how to
overcome it. Then, I'd encourage you to learn more about personalities and
your personality type. There are a bunch of 'personality type' systems out
there, but the Enneagram is one of the least specific in its 'typing' and most
useful in its insights.

\- The Complete Enneagram: 27 Paths to Greater Self-Knowledge
([https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Enneagram-Paths-Greater-
Self...](https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Enneagram-Paths-Greater-Self-
Knowledge/dp/1938314549)) \- Feeling Good ([https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-
Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380...](https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-
Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/))

Feeling Good is by David Burns, a Stanford professor who developed Cognitive
Behavior Therapy. CBT is a way to identify and manage your thoughts. It sounds
like you are a 'fortune telling' type of person and you try to read your
crystal ball and then act on those assumptions rather than what you know.
Burns goes into how to identify those types of thoughts, how to refute them
and how to mitigate their effects.

~~~
yesenadam
>Feeling Good is by David Burns, a Stanford professor who developed Cognitive
Behavior Therapy.

Uh no, I don't think so. The wiki page on CBT [0] doesn't mention Burns. (I
did read _Feeling Good_ years ago, don't remember anything about it - maybe
because I'd read Ellis and a lot of others first.)

I did get a lot from, and have recommend to others with success, Albert Ellis'
book _The New Guide to Rational Living_ , about what he called _rational
emotive therapy_ \- many subsequent methods are very similar, because it
works. In short, observe your negative thoughts and change them. No woo or
huge cost involved. From [1] :

"REBT is the first form of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and was first
expounded by Ellis in the mid-1950s; development continued until his death in
2007. ... Psychology Today noted, "No individual — not even Freud himself —
has had a greater impact on modern psychotherapy" ... In his first major book
on rational therapy, Ellis wrote that the central principle of his approach,
that people are rarely emotionally affected by external events but rather by
their thinking about such events, "was originally discovered and stated by the
ancient Stoic philosophers" "

[0]
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy)

[1]
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rational_emotive_behavior_ther...](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rational_emotive_behavior_therapy)

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lucozade
I used to have something similar. I wouldn't describe it as worrying exactly
but I would go through multiple scenarios to the point that I wasn't sleeping
properly, work was affecting home life etc. It definitely had a negative
effect on my health.

The approach I took was to forcibly compartmentalise things. If I needed to
think deeply about something I would sit down, switch off distractions and do
so for a fixed period. I would then find something else to pay attention to:
read a book, phone someone, that sort of thing. So I couldn't continue
thinking about the problem.

The key for me was to move to thinking hard about something else for a period,
not let my mind wander.

I also found that having a couple of "go to" subjects, unrelated to work or
home, that require complex thought processes, helped. I switch to thinking
about them if there is no other candidate e.g. when I am going to sleep. YMMV
but the 2 I chose were developing a new programming language and designing a
town. I'd pick an aspect of one of them and think how I'd design that.

It worked for me. The only minor downsides I've noticed are 1) that I really
don't like talking about home when at work and vice versa. And 2) when I
actually had some free time, and decided to implement the language, I kept
nodding off.

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hotdox
It is not a bad trait in itself. Badness is applyig this trait to every small
event of your life. You need to differentiate between important and
unimportant events. Before starting running scenarios in your head assign cost
to a case. Tune your cost-setting according outcomes.

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mrdependable
I know a lot of worriers, including my wife. I believe it all comes down to
two things: control and perfection. Things you can't control make you worried,
and you have this idealized version of what the outcome is supposed to be.

If there were any real answers that could be given, we wouldn't have people in
the world who worry anymore. The truth is that what helps is different for
everyone. I personally loathe self-help books, but I found that reading
literature has had a significant impact on how I view living/life. Just keep
an open mind and try a few things. Maybe what helps you is going to a sweat
lodge twice a year, who knows?

~~~
yesenadam
>If there were any real answers that could be given

>I personally loathe self-help books

Some of them do actually have "real answers". (e.g. see my other comment on
this page) There are good and bad, as in any field. It seems you have decided
without evidence that none are worth reading. To the point of loathing. Hate?
That's a shame. (And you are recommending an open mind?!...)

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bmitch2112
This book might help you:

[https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/4866.How_to_Stop_Worryin...](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/4866.How_to_Stop_Worrying_and_Start_Living)

It's by Dale Carnegie who also wrote "How to Win Friends and Influence
People".

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afarrell
I have heard recommendations for this book, but have not read it:
[https://www.amazon.co.uk/Things-Might-Terribly-Horribly-
Wron...](https://www.amazon.co.uk/Things-Might-Terribly-Horribly-
Wrong/dp/1572247118)

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vkaku
Everytime you worry, identify it. Try raising a 'Aha!' finger everytime you do
that. Eventually you'll stop doing it, mindfully.

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popular
You should study math. Especially, the problems in discrete math. These
problems often require you consider "every single situation", "all scenarios"
and "all of the 27 possible outcomes" and likely go way above and beyond that.

As a bonus, math trains mental endurance, toughness, agility and creativity.
Ain't nothing compares to math in this department.

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tucaz
This is a common and predominant trait of many people in the world. I’m just
like you. It hurts me sometimes but it also makes me valuable. It depends on
the situation.

In my case, what I did was make peace with it and accept that I do it. By
doing that l, I at least give me the chance to acknowledge that I’m doing it
and try to reduce the undesired effects.

If you are interested Dr. Jordan Peterson participated in a Dr. Oz segment on
TV talking about these different personalities.

[https://www.doctoroz.com/quiz/quiz-whats-your-personality-
ty...](https://www.doctoroz.com/quiz/quiz-whats-your-personality-type)

If you still want to go deeper I believe you can probably look up more stuff
from Peterson and go from there.

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mrsareen
Mindfulness is your answer.

