

Ask HN: Ask someone for their principles, but they don't want to say? - stcredzero

I'm having a conversation with someone I've known very well for the past four years, and somehow the conversation turns to principles.  I ask her what her principles are.  She doesn't want to tell me.<p>I just left my day job to be an entrepreneur.  I told her that I didn't have room in my life right now for someone who didn't at least have honesty and moral courage as principles.  This is the stand that I took, and though everything was calm and peaceful when we parted, I think I just may have ended the relationship with my best friend.<p>I can't imagine why someone, least of all my best friend, wouldn't want to tell me what their principles are.  How do I make sense of this?
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grandalf
I don't think you've provided enough information to know for sure what her
response really means.

Most people, particularly intelligent people, are not extremely confident in
their principles... they constitute a working hypothesis more than a firm
foundation of belief. In a sense it's deeply arrogant to claim that any belief
is anything other than a working hypothesis... and so I'd argue that the most
important thing when considering a person's principles is the notion of _what
about the world has led them to act passionately toward a goal?_ ,... since
anything that is actionable has likely passed a fair bit of scrutiny on the
part of the belief holder.

On one hand, she may have very deeply held principles but may not have felt
like opening up to you about them just then.

On the other hand, she may disagree with your principles and wishes to avoid
an inevitable realization of conflict.

Or she may be more the wishy washy type and not really have any principles,
but may realize that she probably should.

I think your opening with "who doesn't at least have the honesty and moral
courage" may have made her reluctant to open up, since it suggests that you're
ready to judge whatever comes out of her mouth.

If you really care about this person, I suggest you apologize for being brash
and tell her that you're very curious about the big picture philosophies that
guide her life, and that you address them more narrowly in a future
conversation... such as:

What do you think is most important about how a person lives his/her day to
day life?

What is most important about how businesses conduct themselves?

How do you feel about the Earth and humanity's role as stewards of the
environment?

Worst case, you realize she's a bit shallow. Best case, you open the treasure
trove of the deepest innermost thoughts of someone you respect.

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russell
I detect a judgmental tone in your post, even if you didnt mean it. People
dont like their core beliefs judged, even by friends. Perhaps you were
thinking ethical principals and your friend was thinking spiritual maybe even
contradictory beliefs. The best thing is to realize that there are no axioms
to being human. We can act morally and ethically (or not) from many different
foundations. The best way to find out principles is to infer them from the
discussion of issues.

You really blew it when you cast her aside on an issue of metaphysics. Unless
she really amoral or psychotic, I would patch things up in any way possible,
including a sincere apology. If you dont have time for your friends, it is you
who needs to reexamine your principles.

Apologies if I came across too strongly. I did want to help.

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rick888
If you are best friends, why should she have to tell you her principals?
Shouldn't you be able to figure this out through her actions?

I pretty much know the principals of all of the people in my life that are
good friends.

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anigbrowl
Principles about what? Maybe her philosophical views are too complex to be
distilled down to a few simple phrases. You sound like one of those people who
just discovered a new religion and is going about judging everybody else. I
suggest you call your friend up and apologize for your histrionics, which
sound rooted in economic insecurity.

