
Joy of Being a Woman in Her 70s - Reedx
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/01/12/opinion/sunday/women-older-happiness.html
======
BigHatLogan
This was a good read. It resonated with me because I've been noticing this
happening with my mother and father as they get older. I hate to say it like
this, but I used to think that my mother was sort of a "simple person" (I
can't think of a better word) because she used to tell my brother and I to try
to be happy with what we have, to try to enjoy the small things in life, and
to try to be appreciative of the things around us. My father, on the other
hand, had high ambitions and that mentality always resonated with me more. I
used to think that my mother was complacent.

Now that my parents have gotten older, I've noticed that my father is becoming
more and more bitter and resentful over how his life turned out, while my
mother is becoming more and more at peace with how things have turned out. My
father never quite hit his high ambitions, and I can tell that it eats away at
him constantly throughout the day. My mother, on the other hand, seems very
content with the life she is living.

The study in contrasts is interesting to me, and I think there is something to
be learned from both schools of thought. As with most things in life, the
optimal path seems to be the middle way. My mother has a very good job and
part of that is due to my father encouraging her and pushing her to step
outside of her comfort zone and go back to school in her late age. Similarly,
my father seems to be (very slowly) mellowing out a little in his late age due
to my mother helping him come to terms with how things turned out. Still,
there is a lot of bitterness and envy and resentment within him, and it's hard
to watch. My mother seems far more well-adjusted now, in comparison.

At the end of the day I think that is what matters most--your relationship to
your life. When you strip away all the external things, everything eventually
comes down to your thoughts and your mindset and how you think about things.
That was the vibe I got from reading this essay, that ultimately things come
down to how we reframe things, and that might be the most important "skill" /
practice to cultivate.

~~~
jgladch
great post!

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fizwhiz
> We all suffer, but not all of us grow. Those of us who grow do so by
> developing our moral imaginations and expanding our carrying capacities for
> pain and bliss. In fact, this pendulum between joy and despair is what makes
> old age catalytic for spiritual and emotional growth.

Never thought of it this way. An extremely humbling, optimistic and heart-
warming read.

~~~
CoolGuySteve
Reminds me of what Bob Ross said on his show after his wife died:

> Gotta have opposites, light and dark and dark and light, in painting. It’s
> like in life. Gotta have a little sadness once in awhile so you know when
> the good times come. I'm waiting on the good times now.

I'm not a Christian, but between Bob Ross and Fred Rogers, PBS really
exhibited the best face of Christianity as a life philosophy.

~~~
bitwize
Funny you should mention those two. There's a (false) urban legend about Fred
Rogers fighting the Viet Cong, but what _is_ true is that Bob Ross _was_ in
the military -- and hated it. His experience being "the guy who makes you
scrub the latrine" is what led him to grow out his afro and cultivate his
nice-guy persona.

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agumonkey
> There is an amazing calculus in old age. As much is taken away, we find more
> to love and appreciate. We experience bliss on a regular basis. As one
> friend said: “When I was young I needed sexual ecstasy or a hike to the top
> of a mountain to experience bliss. Now I can feel it when I look at a
> caterpillar on my garden path.”

This makes me wonder how much teenage/adulthood is a layer of stress onto our
brains. A very high load of impatience and craving for intensity that clouds a
lot of things and even hooks many of us (refusing to quit this chase and to
~settle). And then as it fades off, you get back to childlike perception of
the world (and when bad times people do regress a bit chaotically in that
state partly)

~~~
cco
Gazing at caterpillars on a garden path does not generally lead to passing
along your genes. Impatience and a craving for intensity does often lead to
passing along your genes, I think the calculus is pretty straight forward.

~~~
ulber
I think you are probably approximately correct (although a relaxed outlook
might lead to helping your grandchildren thrive, thus passing on your genes).

However, your comment could be actionable in a number of ways, for example:

1\. "You should embrace the intensity to make sure you reproduce."

2\. "You should understand the source of that intensity as something that
might oppose your goal of happiness."

3\. "You should accept the biological inevitability of that intensity."

I'm partial to number 2. Even if the calculus of reproduction is straight
forward, how that should inform your life choices is not.

~~~
toasterlovin
FWIW, I've found that viewing bringing children into this world as a kind of
higher calling has done a pretty good job of counteracting the daily stresses
of raising children.

~~~
code_duck
Based on countless examples in history, the same thing seems to be true for
basically anything… Murder, rape, genocide, withstanding or inflicting abuse
or torture are all much easier for people to bear mentally if they believe it
is part of a greater goal.

~~~
toasterlovin
There’s a pretty big difference between justifying something you want to do
and making yourself feel better about something that you don’t want to do.

~~~
code_duck
What are you saying the difference is?

~~~
toasterlovin
It's the difference between good and evil.

~~~
code_duck
Are you commenting on the effect on the person who is withstanding the
distressing situation through rationalization, or just mentioning that?

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nmstoker
It's great that this story can feature high up the rankings on HN. In spite of
focusing on a group that (probably) has limited representation here, people
can see the bigger picture and empathise with the points it makes.

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mirimir
Beautiful. And I must say, it looks much the same from the male perspective.

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jonsen
This was a warming read. I’m not a woman. I’m not even in the 70ies. Anyway.

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ajspencer
Here's a link with the paywall removed:
[https://outline.com/Z5mD98](https://outline.com/Z5mD98)

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adamc
The link on this is showing up as
"[https://news.ycombinator.com/from?site=nytimes.com"](https://news.ycombinator.com/from?site=nytimes.com")
for me...

~~~
Avery3R
Don't click nytimes.com, click the name of the post

------
porpoisely
Couldn't you write this stuff of anything? Ultimately, isn't it just empty
rationalizations that we all have to go through as we grow old or what we do
given any situation? What the fox in Aesop's story did when he could get at
the grapes? Just rationalize and move on.

People can write the "Joy of Being in Prison", the "Joy of Being Homeless",
the "Joy of Impotence", the "Joy of Losing Your Limbs", etc. But is that
really joy or rationalizations?

I'm failing to see what the point of the article really is and also, what is
"news" worthy about this?

~~~
sctb
Couldn't you write this comment about anything?

> _Please don 't post shallow dismissals, especially of other people's work. A
> good critical comment teaches us something._

[https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html](https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html)

~~~
refurb
I didn't find the comment shallow. Shallow would be "what a dumb article".

That said, what the OP calls "rationalization" could just as well be
"perspective".

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babyslothzoo
This could/should be

"Joy of Being a (Human) In Their 70s"

Very little is relevant to gender, at all.

~~~
tzar
Though some of it is, so it's written this way.

------
fsfsdff56sdf
"Most of us don’t miss the male gaze. It came with catcalls, harassment and
unwanted attention. Instead, we feel free from the tyranny of worrying about
our looks. For the first time since we were 10, we can feel relaxed about our
appearance."

I call bullshit. People spend Billions to become more attractive, and rarely
anything to become less attractive.

If these women would have suffered so much from the "male gaze", they could
have taken steps to look as unattractive as possible way earlier than in their
70ies.

~~~
steve_adams_86
This logic appears to presume that women are responsible for changing
themselves in order to avoid being mistreated, and that their desire to change
their looks is at all intended to draw catcalls, harassment, and unwanted
attention.

I understand wearing makeup (for example) is an external thing meant for other
people to see, but it's reckless and illogical to go down the path of assuming
who the makeup is for and why it's worn. It's also unfair to say they should
or could have taken steps to change themselves in order to solve a problem
unfairly imposed upon them by other people.

If a farmer has problems with raccoons eating their crops, would you ever
suggest they should simply destroy their crop fields to make the land less
appealing to raccoons?

------
miles
Sage wisdom and advice. Should be titled something more like _How to Find Joy
at Any Age_.

------
epx
Easy for a baby boomer. Won't be so sweet for our generation. I hope to die
soon after I reach 69 :)

~~~
babyslothzoo
Why?

------
dominotw
> happiness is a skill and a choice.

but worrying about looks is not?

> we feel free from the tyranny of worrying about our looks. For the first
> time since we were 10, we can feel relaxed about our appearance.

~~~
telesilla
>but worrying about looks is not?

Social pressure is so strong! I don't know if you are a woman or not but from
my perspective (as a woman) I am truly grateful for each year I live, as I
become less and less worried about my appearance in detail, and more about the
expression on my face and my body language - how happy and welcoming I look
when I greet people. This knowledge wasn't obvious as a young woman.

~~~
watwut
Lol, as I am getting old I care less and less whether I look happy and
welcoming :). I am increasingly less and less concerned about projecting
socially expected emotions when I don't have them.

Through, I do care also less about how I look, through I am trying to force
myself to care bit more.

~~~
telesilla
Maybe it's a bell curve - when we do reach 70 we'll not care about either,
much as we did as toddlers!

