
How Do You Make or Maintain Friends? Put in the Time - owens99
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brain-waves/201803/how-do-you-make-or-maintain-friends-put-in-the-time
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creep
For some reason I've always looked at friendship relationships as primarily
creative. I don't like to be with people unless there is chemistry for a good
conversation that changes our perspectives or adds dimension, or if we are
working on something. I don't like "hanging out" because that usually involves
a lot of cleverness with humor (and my humor isn't clever-- what I find funny
is usually when someone has made some ironic error in their thinking or
behavior, and there aren't a lot of ways to communicate this socially without
knowing how to set up a good story-- which I don't know how to do).

Consequently, there are a handful of people I consider "good friends" but I
don't see these people very often because our relationship is implicitly
understood-- I'm here if you want advice, you're there if I want advice, and
they know I'll flake if I get invited to something that seems to require
anything more relaxed.

I don't know why this is the case, but I can say that the friends I do have,
despite barely seeing them in person, I cherish very much. The kind of people
who are okay with that bond are usually beyond interesting, and I enjoy being
around as they tell me about the exciting things they feel and think and
experience. They all have such a way with putting their experiences and all
the nuances into words that I can connect with. I don't think you can ever
fully understand someone, but I understand my friends in the exact places that
they understand me. Maybe that is what all friendships do, but I'm not sure.
Just thought I'd share.

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hkmurakami
That's certainly one category of friendships. You just have to be aware of
what category of friends reach person is, and try to engage in ways that are
consistent with the frame of mind. There are friends I'm intellectually
inspired by, like you say, friends that I do activity X with, and friends who
I've had my entire life with whom I can completely let my guard down with. The
third category is honestly the most special one, since It's really really hard
to recreate it in adulthood.

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r00fus
I can understand childhood friendship that's preserved in adulthood but
honestly as someone who moved around a lot as a kid I don't have many of those
- when I tried to reconnect with my childhood friends the gap was too wide.

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personlurking
At times, however, underdeveloped social connections are also important.

The secret to great opportunities? The person you haven't met yet (TED, 14m)
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TFgtI7nt6Q4&t=2s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TFgtI7nt6Q4&t=2s)

"We often find ourselves stuck in narrow social circles with similar people.
What habits confine us, and how can we break them? Organizational psychologist
Tanya Menon considers how we can be more intentional about expanding our
social universes -- and how it can lead to new ideas and opportunities."

~~~
chiefalchemist
I'm typically not a TED fan but that was 15 minutes well spent. Great share.
Merci ;)

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uhnuhnuhn
After reading the actual underlying study the article headline seems bogus.

The study simply found an association between the amount/quality of time spent
with a person and closeness of the friendship. There's nothing in the study
design that allows us to distinguish whether spending time together creates
friendships or if spending time together is only an indicator of a friendship.
Could simply mean that feeling close to someone leads people to spend more
time together.

~~~
WalterSear
It's also of college students.

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truculation
I think what bonds people is _shared adversity_. Thus, the longer you've known
someone the greater the chance that you've come through some tough experiences
together (e.g. school, war) and therefore that you trust one another. Perhaps
this is how families work. Errors in how to relate cause suffering which
paradoxically creates a closer family bond. There are far more occasions to
suffer where people share the same space.

~~~
ll931110
This could work, but with caveat. The tricky part is transition from close
friends to partners, because while being close friends is the requisite for
their love to blossom, there are a lot of unspoken assumptions that each party
asks from the other that only romantic partners do. Also, when they know each
other for years, they make assumptions about the other and have certain
understanding of each other, hence departures from these assumptions could
lead to devastating effect.

~~~
b0rsuk
The millions of men who have been "friend zoned" will probably beg to differ.
Groups like "the red pill" insist that the road to love doesn't go through
friendship, and that when it comes to opposite sex friendship is actually a
dead end.

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acdha
The “friend zone” is just an excuse some men come up with for not wanting to
admit that attraction wasn’t mutual. It’s really creepy to think that they
deserve sex for stringing someone along with the false pretense of being a
friend — would they ever use “dead end” to describe a same sex friendship
which didn’t lead to sex?

~~~
b0rsuk
And I think it's mildly insulting to be classified as a subpar male, a "male
female friend". Worse, because she's not going to trust me as much as her
proper female friends, she would always be on guard. Certainly damaging to the
male ego. I don't cultivate such relationships unless _I_ don't feel attracted
to the woman in question. Think of the "disabled" "friend" of Mary from
"There's Something About Mary".

~~~
acdha
> I don't cultivate such relationships unless I don't feel attracted to the
> woman in question.

This is certainly a common dynamic, with a lot of cultural reinforcement, but
my point was simply that it's not the fault of the woman but rather the man
who's trying to will something into existence and, in many cases, pretending
to be something he's not.

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antisthenes
Fitting time for this article to be posted, as I'm mourning the loss of a
great person, and my best friend.

What makes it twice as difficult is knowing that we've both put in so much
work and effort in the friendship and it's extremely unlikely that anything
like that will happen again in my lifetime (don't have nearly enough time as
we did back in high school and college). Having someone on your intellectual
level and at the same life progression as you to bounce ideas off of is
incredibly valuable and anchoring.

If you have someone like this - please cherish them as best you can and
understand how much they are making you better.

~~~
randomsearch
Sorry to hear about your loss.

Just to add that, although you’re right about time at college, it is possible
to make very close friends afterwards. Make sure you remain open minded; I
hope you make other lasting and meaningful relationships.

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biastoact
Insured by the book Brunch is Hell I’ve started a soup in game night for
friends and should-be-friends forvthis very reason: create a platform where we
can put in the time to build closer friendships.

~~~
jasikpark
Now i wish i hadn’t used my audible credit for the month. the sample is great

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OrganicMSG
In the words of Samuel Johnson;

> "If a man does not make new acquaintance as he advances through life, he
> will soon find himself left alone. A man, Sir, should keep his friendship in
> constant repair."

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bob_theslob646
I find the title, ironic, considering after one turns 21-22,(finishes
university) suddenly everyone's lives are planned and time is scarce.

Totally different if you live in a major city with great transportation, much
easier/more likely to see/bump into friends.

