
Shyness: small acts of heroism - pepys
http://www.the-tls.co.uk/articles/public/a-feature-not-a-bug/
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exergy
Very nice read. I used to be a particularly shy person, but the difference
between shyness and being anti-social in general, is that a shy person _wants_
to connect to others, but is afraid of the outcome of attempting to do so.

This is why, I think, shyness cures itself as we move through life (for many
if not most people). We come to realise that a) we don't matter as much as we
think to the other person, and b) sharing our thoughts and feelings helps
other people connect to us.

Small aside: I like the idea that natural selection would encourage a variety
of personalities in a social species, rather than uniform, homogeneous super-
beings, so that different sections would be competent at different task,
leading therefore to the collective improvement of the whole.

~~~
nf05papsjfVbc
Do you mean 'asocial' or 'anti-social'?

~~~
exergy
You're right. I meant asocial.

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josephwegner
I've been procrastinating (for obvious reasons) sharing this for quite some
time... but this seems like as good of a kick in the pants as any.

I wrote a bit of a short story about my shyness/social anxiety. Hope helps
people understand what goes on in the brain when anxiety strikes:
[https://stories.wegnerdesign.com/how-i-
party](https://stories.wegnerdesign.com/how-i-party)

~~~
yojex
Hey, I really enjoyed reading this. I hear those thoughts 24/7, and they plan
most of my days. You helped me put words to some of my own behaviors that I've
mostly been lying to myself about. So thanks! And it was a well written story,
besides.

~~~
josephwegner
Glad it was helpful. I wrote it for the same reason - needing real words for
what was happening in my head.

<3

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Pamar
Something I did not find addressed in the article, but I think is relevant:
would you agree that _text communication_ (email/forum posts/chat) are making
things easier (possibly "too easy") for shy people?

I mean, how frequently you prefer to send a text message instead of just
calling?

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vog
This is pretty typical for shy poeple.

"Just calling" means that you have to receive the reaction immediately, and
moreover, that you have to react on that immediately, too. This is much more
intimidating than waiting for a response, reading it whenever you feel like,
and having enough time to think about your answer.

Even on chat or instant messaging, it is generally accepted that it may take
half a minute, or even 5 minutes, to take for a reply. So even these so-called
"real-time" services are about two orders of magnitude less "real-time" than a
phone call (0.5-2.0 seconds versus 30-300 seconds).

Also, with text you can get help from trusted people that help you write
answers, which is not so simple on a phone call.

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Pamar
I agree with most of your comment, except the last part.

In my opinion if you actually ask for help to put together a written answer
you are way beyond "shyness" and would have serious problems functioning in
society. (Also, how would you ask someone else for help? I mean, that would be
beyond embarrassing in itself, don't you think?).

~~~
vog
To my experience, it is a fairly common expression of shyness to use trusted
people's help when communicating.

I actually know some people doing that - not just for text, but also for phone
calls (they hope one wouldn't notice, or so I guess).

These are young and/or inexperienced people, and the helpers are usually best
frieds, siblings or parents.

Of course you can downturn them as having "serious problems functioning in
society", but that's somewhat true for all sufficiently young people - they
are still leaning, and I'm not to judge how people learn best.

~~~
Pamar
Ok, fair enough. I am in my fifties, so I automatically assumed people 30+.

Your clarification makes sense.

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scandox
> I can rustle up a passable impression of a normal person because I know it
> is part of the deal...

I feel like this, even though I'm by no means shy. I feel like everything I
know about interacting with other people was learned in a very deliberate way.
I'm conscious of not being what I appear - to the extent that I will also
comfortably discuss that with someone.

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Mz
I am not particularly shy, but have had enough negative social experiences
that a) I have learned to tone things down a bit and b) I am highly skeptical
of claims that shyness is some sort of maladaptive behavior that involves
imagining terrible things that aren't realistic. People often treat other
people pretty badly. Being afraid of the potential consequences is hardly
irrational

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cheiVia0
Is being afraid of the potential consequences a good enough reason to become a
hermit? Because that's what many shy people do, while desperately wishing
there were some other way.

It takes repeated reminders, constant effort and, above all, an unaccustomed
determination to take social risks, for shy people to push past the idea that
embarrassment, or other people's anger, or some other negative consequence, is
reason enough to avoid engaging. More often than not (in my experience,
anyway) these fears are _completely_ overblown. And even knowing that, and
seeing the imagined disaster not coming to pass, it's still an uphill battle
to take the next risk.

But even in the rare cases where some fear turns out to be justified, having
someone get upset with you, or laugh at you, is not the end of the world that
anxiety will try to tell you it is. It's certainly not a good enough reason to
doom yourself to unwilling solitude.

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Mz
My oldest son has serious social impairments. I have seen things go stupidly
badly for him in ways that can lead to serious problems. I step in and can say
the exact same thing he just said and get a completely different response.

He has tremendous support from me and a good relationship to his brother.
Otherwise he would end up a hermit and I would completely understand at this
point. There was a time I would not have.

Ideally, the world would have fewer assholes. But it is what it is.

If this is a thing you struggle with, I hope you find practical solutions and
a deeper understanding of the root causes as that can be extremely empowering.

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dwe3000
> "Our shyness is unique", he contends, "because we are alone in being gifted,
> and burdened, with self-consciousness ... meta-thought."

Is it just me, or is it strange to accept the anthropomorphism of shyness but
rule out self-consciousness? Just because they can't tell us, "Hey, I'm a cat,
and I think about myself all the time."?

