
The Science of Making Friends - frostmatthew
http://www.wsj.com/articles/the-science-of-making-friends-1460992572
======
stegosaurus
WRT the decline with age, I've always felt like a lot of it is 'ego based',
for lack of better terms.

I've found that as time goes on, people are far more concerned with doing
things by the book, projecting an image, etc. rather than just 'being',
enjoying life in the moment, doing things just because.

I've certainly been guilty of this to some extent because it seems impossible
to avoid.

Personal anecdote: At age 16 it was fun to hang around at a bus stop or street
corner or whatever and just chat bollocks. Move forward a bit and in college
we'd hang out in someone's dorm room or flat or equivalent.

Now everyone is off at work, spaced out all over the place. You might be able
to get one or two people to do something, but it'll probably mean some sort of
sanitized commercial experience (go and get pizza at a restaurant, pay to
commute there, pay to commute back, etc).

And it's all because we've sort of decided that working all the time is more
important than being social.

I think that's sad. I often wonder if it's how we end up with such warped
political environments. No-one just relaxes, any more, it's all 40 hour weeks
and 'scheduling appointments' months into the future.

You grow up, and what were 20 kids, become a banker, a lawyer, a janitor, a
policeman, a nurse, a dropout, a homeless guy, and so on. And it just doesn't
work, because of all these rules we've made up, status games, location,
whatever. Why can't we just go to the park again?

And no, this isn't just about childhood friends moving away. It's the same
story up and down the scale, in my experience. Everyone is busy, everyone is
pushing.

The community takes a back seat to economic needs, it seems. Something like
that. I'm not sure. I know we still got stuff done back then, I have a bit of
paper with a hologram on it that proves it. But it wasn't all consuming,
somehow.

~~~
stegosaurus
Christ, in some ways, this thread makes me want to just like, teleport some
people from HN into the local park with some beers.

I think we'd have a great time. No vi vs emacs, mind.

~~~
jfim
It's definitely doable. Anyone in SF wants to meet in the golden gate park
today around 3pm?

Edit: Since this got a few upvotes but not many replies, feel free to come at
37°46'08.4"N 122°29'08.8"W
([https://goo.gl/maps/Vvyctgz4CAQ2](https://goo.gl/maps/Vvyctgz4CAQ2)). Will
have a Linkedin tshirt/backpack.

~~~
urs2102
Not in SF, but this is awesome. Hope it's fun!

~~~
nazka
Same here I can't. I live in France but as soon as I am back in SF I will!

------
hodwik
> "People with higher I.Q.s were less content when they spent more time with
> friends. Psychologists theorize that these folks keep themselves
> intellectually stimulated without a lot of social interaction, and often
> have a long-term goal they are pursuing."

Therein lies the rub. Having friends makes you happier, as long as your
friends are intellectually stimulating.

I've been trying desperately for years to make some intellectually stimulating
friendships, and it's quite difficult.

In part, I think, because I am a generalist, and most smart people are
specialists. As a result, I don't run in the same circles as they do.

When I do make a friend who is smart, chances are they will end up moving
across country for a new job, or will disappear into their research, and I'm
back at square one.

Are there any other generalists who have trouble making friends with other
smart people, because they all seem to be specialists?

Do you have any advice for generalists in need of smart friends?

~~~
zafka
To start with, Put contact info in your hacker news profile. Then when you say
interesting things, folks who are a bit more shy can contact you directly.
Also reach out to those who interest you. Who knows, some of these brilliant
generalists might have time to chat.

~~~
ljk
having contacts online isn't really the same thing as a "friend", right?

~~~
Lockyy
There's no reason a single email can't turn into a solid long term friendship
if things click. Some of my closest friends live across the country from me
after meeting online.

------
Xcelerate
I know people keep trying (unsuccessfully) to make startups that help you
"find friends", but it would be nice if one of these actually took off.

I currently live in an area where I find it somewhat difficult to make new
friends, and I'm not entirely sure why that's the case. Generally speaking,
the people where I live are more interested in football/beer than
technology/startups, but I actually don't think that is the reason for my
difficulty — I am good friends with some football fanatics, and there are some
technically-minded people who I can't stand. (And I certainly don't mean to
imply that there's anything wrong with football and beer — I merely point out
that these are not interests of mine!)

Honestly, I can't quite figure out what causes me to mesh well with some
people and not others. I get along great with my girlfriend and my sister, and
I can talk to them for hours even though neither is interested in science or
technology.

And I don't think it's morals/values either — I'm friends with people whose
political views are completely opposed to my own.

If someone can figure out what actually causes people to "click" with one
another, then I think a startup for making friends might actually be
successful.

~~~
baron816
I think/hope my start up, Krewe
([https://www.gokrewe.com](https://www.gokrewe.com)), has found the right
formula. I believe the key elements are access and comfort. Krewe places
people into a group with five of their peers, making it comfortable to hang
out at first. You don't have to single anyone out, it works kind of how things
worked in your youth. And everyone lives within a half mile radius, so it's
really convenient to meet up often.

As you say, having lots of stuff in common isn't usually the defining factor
in what makes people "click." I think most people can get along with pretty
much anyone, so long as they spend enough time together. When you're in
school, that's built in since you have to show up to class everyday. Krewe
makes it possible to hang out with your group everyday since everyone's within
walking distance and can get together for a quick beer or whatever.

~~~
tgb
Good idea. I signed up for fun. No one else in my group yet though. Too bad
the network effect is so hard to overcome.

~~~
baron816
Yep. It's still very new.

------
ChuckMcM
There used to be a place in the Bay Area called "a clean well lighted place
for books" which was a book store (of course) but it was also a pretty decent
place to hang out. Of course talking and reading were fun (sort of a library
without the librarian shhing you all the time) but I always wanted to create
"A clean well lighted place to hack." which was more tech oriented.

Of course you would need something to hack on and I figured a wall of various
embedded systems connected together in various ways so that you would have
write code on the outer ones to talk to the inner ones etc.

What we got though were maker spaces, which when they work have a pretty cool
vibe but sometimes it's like hanging out with a bunch of ghosts or something.
All going about their business, not joining in or starting conversations etc.
That was why I thought an ice breaker type activity like the wall of systems
would be an interesting idea. Sort of like putting a puzzle out on the table
at a dinner party. A safe reason to be hanging out.

Some day I keep thinking I'll build something like that.

~~~
eric-hu
> I always wanted to create "A clean well lighted place to hack." which was
> more tech oriented.

Isn't this exactly a hacker space? Well...besides the clean part.

~~~
ChuckMcM
There are two ways in which the bookstore differed from the current
implementation of hacker spaces; ad-hoc local usage (book browsing), and
commercial activity (book buying).

The hacker spaces I've been too have all shared a common "mode" which is
"bring your stuff and we'll work in the same room." The allure being the
social aspects and the interactions with other people interested in your
space. But that has two problems, generally "moving" your space from where you
work to the hacker space (for small embedded projects that is really hard),
and for software projects they aren't necessarily "shared" any better in a
social context other than IRC.

Hence the idea of the 'hack wall' which would be some common infrastructure
that everyone would be able to see and work with (from a distance on their
computers) and a common understanding of the opportunity and constraints. My
thesis is that this is what the jigsaw puzzle does as a party, anyone can
share in working on it, skilled or unskilled. At a conference I attended there
was a similar sort of idea with "craft sticks" (aka popsicle sticks) and hot
glue guns, but I think the need to be "artsy" was intimidating some people.

In my imagination the wall would be constructed somewhat like sections in a
garden railroad might be, where each square would have some standard
requirements, like power on the corners, 3.3v data busses, RS-423 connections,
and maybe a serial port. And you could put squares together using something
like 80/20 extrusions, then jumper across to the "standard" connectors, and
each square would have a page in a local gitlab server which described its
makeup. So to talk to an inner square you would have to create interfaces from
the outer squares (which might all have a RasPi on them) to get to the inner
squares.

~~~
eric-hu
I've only been to two hacker spaces, one in SF and one in HK. Both had
hardware there to hack on, workshops for using various hardware tools,
workshops on security, biohacking, etc. I preferred my own hardware, but I
found the communal hardware and others projects fascinating.

I also wasn't too productive, but that's because I was busy meeting people and
checking out their work.

------
jrapdx3
Having gotten "old" by some definitions, I've increasingly experienced the
"friend problem". The article seemed to be addressing a "non-old" segment of
the population, so I think it's appropriate to offer a few observations from a
different perspective.

It's not just me of course, even my very friendly wife notices dwindling
friendships despite putting a lot of energy into keeping them going. We often
ask each other "why is that?", but so far neither of us has a clue.

The circle diminishes gradually, incrementally, the loss is one by one.
Friends known for decades die, develop dementia, or move two thousand miles
away to be near family.

Friends are people and don't always change for the better. It's puzzling and
painful when long-standing friends grow "weird" and unfriendly. It happens, no
way to explain it, no known illness or infirmity removes them, just another
kind of loss to grasp.

Losses of such kinda are truly irreplaceable. Sure making new friends is
wonderful and necessary but never quite the same. Thankfully a few stalwart
friends are still around.

Experts all agree having more friends is better, thing is, starting new
friendships is a constant and steep challenge in later life. We find
opportunity is sparse, contemporaries hesitant to take up the offer, or
distracted by a plethora of family, health, and economic demands. The experts
aren't saying how to solve these issues.

If there is a key it must be the willingness to be persistent, not give up the
effort to enrich the network of connectedness. Here and there people do
respond, and a relationship slowly begins to form.

~~~
mikegioia

        If there is a key it must be the willingness to be
        persistent, not give up the effort to enrich the
        network of connectedness. Here and there people do
        respond, and a relationship slowly begins to form.
    

I think that's 100% right. I've lived in NYC for almost 10 years and the sad
reality is that people come/go _frequently_. I've found persistence to be the
only consistent factor in building all the friendships over those years.

Yes you need to click with someone, but we determine that within 5 minutes of
talking to a new person. A lot of people make the effort to build a new
friendship, but get too discouraged from a lack of reciprocation. 5 no's in a
row can definitely signal "not interested" (ha) but a lot of people _are_
interested they just need more of a push.

It does come down to how badly you want to build that new friendship, but I
think a lot of people are just not persistent enough at the beginning tbh.

------
nlh
For all the negative things folks have been saying on here about SF
(expensive, etc.) there's a huge positive that overshadows all of it for me:

I've made more new friends in the last 3 years since I moved to SF than, I'd
honestly say, my previous decade living in NYC. I'm 37 now and feel like I
have more of a community than in college.

I think the key to finding real friends and friendships is to be in a place
where you're going to be surrounded by the kind of people you WANT to be
friends with. It doesn't involve over-thinking or forcing it: I'm a
30-something dude who loves tech and being outside. There are a LOT of people
like that in SF. I figured that out within a week of visiting 3 years ago, so
I moved here.

Say what you will about monoculture, but it sure made it easy and fun to find
a community of people I liked (and vice versa).

~~~
colmvp
Strange. I had the opposite experience.

I made more friends in NYC in 2 years than real friends in SF in 4. That's not
to blame people, because hey, it takes two to tango and my behavior sabotaged
my own success. But even though I am in tech, I still never felt comfortable
in the monoculture of SF than while in NY.

~~~
nlh
Interesting data point - thanks for sharing.

Tell me more: how did you meet and make friends in NYC?

In SF - I find there's a more intimate social scene -- more dinner parties
than bar nights, so easier to have meaningful interactions. Maybe I'm just
seeing the product of my own growing up...

~~~
koluft
I haven't been invited to any dinner parties with strangers to become friends
with. My existing friends invite me to dinner parties.

------
tunesmith
I'm more recently a believer that the best way to make friends as a guy is to
be in an environment where you make loose connections but have long-term
repeated interactions. In short, join a club. Work is mildly effective at this
but because of other factors not as good as a club. Work-related meetup groups
aren't as awesome for it either - it should be more like a side interest so it
feels more like play. It doesn't even have to be a club that aligns with your
true core passions, just something you enjoy enough and have a good chance of
running into the same people semi-frequently. After a few months you've
increased your odds of finding a new friend massively.

------
zappo2938
I worked on a boat in the middle of the ocean for many years. I've been
grounded for the last few years and tried to make friends. The experiment has
been a massive waste of time and energy. I did so much for so many people
trying to be nice and helpful and got so little in return. From an economic
point of view, I'm completely self reliant and don't need anything from anyone
else. I invested so much in other people and I got nothing back.

There is one case where I watched some guy's dog for a weekend, took someone
else's boat into the ocean to save him when his engine died, helped him move
all this uncles' stuff after the uncle committed suicide, go drinking with him
downtown even though I didn't want to go out, ect.. I moved into a new
apartment and needed help putting up new blinds. He kept making excuses to not
help me even though he is a contractor. From now on, I don't help other
people. I work, make money, and if I need help, I'll pay a stranger. I'm fine
with that.

I've grown convinced it is a myth that we need friends.

~~~
u_me_him
You are probably choosing the wrong people to be friends with. And yeah, doing
things for people doesn't work in the same way that being the errant boy for
the girl you liked in elementary or high school didn't work either.

~~~
quietplatypus
Yeah pretty much this. Even though it seems OK from an "objective" standpoint
to lend your aid when it seems obvious that you can do it and it is not too
much cost to you, this doesn't really work in the making friends dept. Yes
there are maybe 5% of people who will catch on to what you are doing and click
but that is not good odds.

------
SonicSoul
someone once said something along: _any relationship will thrive to a degree
to which value is derived by both sides_

This helped me understand a few things. We all have childhood friends that
once made sense but now if we met these people we wouldn't become friends.
That's the exception to above rule, and i'm sure there are a few others, but
generally that is a good way to understand why a friendship is working or
ceases to be useful. It's something you can also use to acquire new friends or
improve existing relationships. The value you offer may be as simple as being
available (i.e. available to go out to meet possible romantic interests,
available to pursue a new hobby together, available to blow off steam after
work), actually listening and offering advice (advice part only works if the
person looks up to you on a given subject and asks for it, unsolicited advice
is the worst), being positive and seeking/seeing positivity in every
situation/person (i've had friends that really helped me realize that people
are in different stages of their life even when they seem obnoxious there's
probably a good reason for it at the time so we shouldn't be quick to
criticize and it's mostly a waste of time anyway). Most people don't actually
think about this or put any effort into improving their value proposition but
you'd be surprised how much difference that can make.

~~~
mistermann
I would improve this to: any relationship will thrive to a degree to which
_perceived_ value is derived by both sides.

I think a lot of people are stuck on a treadmill of success and would have a
better life if they stopped to smell the roses, or talk to someone that maybe
doesn't necessarily have an obvious way of _adding value_ to their life.

~~~
dualogy
Whenever I thought long enough about value, I concluded that all value is
perceived value, including any manner or definition of "intrinsic value".

------
navait
I've certainly found myself in the difficult position of having moved to a
place where I know nobody. I read "How to win friends and influence people",
hoping I could learn how to make better friends with it. It's easy to go to
meetups and make shallow connections with small talk, but getting people to
talk to me is like pulling teeth, a lot of single sentence reponses and no
attempt to further the conversation.

~~~
lobotryas
From the body language you describe it sounds like those people don't actually
want to continue talking with you (for whatever reason). Carnegie is great.
Follow up by reading a book or two about body language. While it's far from a
hard science, it'll give you some more insight into what a person is
thinking/feeling.

~~~
WA
I think the Carnegie book isn’t that great, because it’s easy to misinterpret
the _rules_. An often mentioned strategy is to be a good listener. This gets
repeated ad nauseam, but is it actually true? I found that people become more
open if you put a story on the table first. It’s like an investment. You open
yourself a little bit and tell something about yourself, whereas a question
about the other person asks them to trust you first.

~~~
tormeh
This is true. The first step in any relationship is establishing goodwill or
even just lack of malevolence (which if it's romantic and you're pursuing
women is extremely important). Everything else comes after. People want to
talk openly about themselves, but not unilaterally.

~~~
copperx
That's true. I read Carnegie's book as a teenager and for a long time tried to
be the best listener, which I think I became. I asked thoughtful questions and
rarely opened up myself. That's not the way things work. In my experience, one
needs to have interesting stories before other people open up.

------
oolongCat
>A study published in February in the British Journal of Psychology looked at
15,000 respondents and found that people who had more social interactions with
close friends reported being happier—unless they were highly intelligent.
People with higher I.Q.s were less content when they spent more time with
friends. Psychologists theorize that these folks keep themselves
intellectually stimulated without a lot of social interaction, and often have
a long-term goal they are pursuing.

Does anyone have a link to this so called study? Funny how in academia you are
required to reference everything but when it comes to journalism anything
goes.

\---edit----

Please ignore my request, I had a temporary brain fart, a Google search helped
me find it.

[http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26847844](http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26847844)

~~~
cubano
This TED talk
[https://www.ted.com/talks/robert_waldinger_what_makes_a_good...](https://www.ted.com/talks/robert_waldinger_what_makes_a_good_life_lessons_from_the_longest_study_on_happiness)
makes the same point and used data from an 75y study.

~~~
oolongCat
This is incredible, thanks very much for sharing this. I really needed this.

------
wskinner
One point missed by this article (but mentioned by another commenter) is that
it's not enough to just want more friends. It's not even enough to meet
another person who also wants friends. What keeps friends together is
perceived mutual exchange of value - it sounds callous, but I challenge anyone
to describe a friendship that lasted where either party believed they derived
no value.

Our lizard brains aggressively pre-filter potential friends by estimating
expected value add. One property that contributes to perceived value is
scarcity, and this leads to a sort of counterintuitive result: it may be
easier to make friends if you don't really want or need them (or at least you
appear that way). If you are self-reliant, happy, and occupied most of the
time, your time and attention are scarce (from the perspective of others).
This signals value and makes others want to be your friend. Obviously, this
doesn't mean you should be constantly unavailable. But it does mean that being
constantly available to hang out, talk, do favors, etc. will probably make you
less desirable as a friend.

~~~
sloreti
"The only way to have a friend is to be one" \- Ralph Waldo Emerson

------
andreygrehov
What is friendship? Seriously. I'm curious to know how different the
definition is across various people.

~~~
Pluizer
My personal definition: If I can call a person for no reason other then to
tell them my cat just spilled my coffee and I'm annoyed I consider him/her a
friend.

Maybe a strange one but I also consider people friends if I consider their
insults directed to me funny.

------
abraca
I have the opposite problem to most people, of having too many friends. And
the number is ever-growing. Wherever I go - job, hobby, school - I pick up
more friends. It's wonderful in that I am never lonely and I feel very loved.
It is difficult though too because I sometimes feel overwhelmed and that I am
not able to be a good friend myself. I have so many invitations, emails, texts
etc that I can't keep up. I adore the majority of my friends - but it is quite
difficult to extricate myself from a few friendships I have that are draining.

I've been thinking recently about why I am this way...and I believe it is down
to 1) listening carefully to what people have to say, 2) being happy and calm,
it is just my nature, I am quiet but I am always looking for something to
laugh about. I like to crack little jokes and I appreciate humor in every
situation, 3) being un-judgmental and kind.

Anyway i'm not sure what my point really is, except that you CAN make friends
as you get older! It is not all doom and gloom :)

~~~
Spakman
I'm glad you wrote this. I feel similarly myself, although it sounds like the
making of friends comes more naturally to you. I have a surplus of friends
that I know could become much closer friends if I was able to dedicate more
time to those relationships, but the truth is that I already have a lot of
excellent close friends.

It's absolutely lovely but exhausting. I too feel overwhelmed by texts,
invites and the like and am trying to figure out how to handle this without
compromising myself too much (life is tough right now and I feel like I need
an increasing amount of time on my own right now). Honesty about it is the
approach I've been taking - I try to be the best friend I can to all of those
closest to me, but bear in mind that I am also the most important friend I
have.

FWIW, I'm exactly with you on your points 1, 2 (replace calm with excitable
sometimes though!) and 3.

~~~
Spakman
I'm not sure how relevant this is, but I'm one of the most open, positive and
optimistic people I know and I just want everyone to enjoy life and being
alive as much as I do. Perhaps people like that.

------
sdneirf
If you use Facebook as a proxy, you can actually see that you max out on
friends when you are in late teens to 20's and then its downhill from there.

Stephen Wolfram (mathematica fame) did a deep dive into the numbers and there
are quite a bit of interesting insight..

[http://blog.stephenwolfram.com/2013/04/data-science-of-
the-f...](http://blog.stephenwolfram.com/2013/04/data-science-of-the-facebook-
world/)

------
eldavido
What goes unchallenged is the article's assumption that people with more
friends are happier (I think?)

I have a _much_ better social life now than I did when I was younger. Younger
was lots of sort-of-friends, who I didn't really like, based on
convenience/availability.

I have far fewer friends now, but I've known many of them 10+ years and like
them much more than my childhood friends.

~~~
alashley
You likely know yourself a lot better now too, so the people you choose to
build relationships with would reflect the qualities you value most.

People with more friends can seem to be more happy externally (perpetually
busy, always invited to events, always texting etc.) but if those friendships
are all shallow, then it can be lonely and mentally-taxing. But regardless of
the number of friends, the key factor is the quality and resulting strength of
those friendships.

------
jcoffland
I find it difficult to find friends who are reliable. Many who seem to like me
when we hang out are almost impossible to make plans with. They often respond
by saying they need to check their schedule. Perhaps it's just a polite no.
When we do get together everything is great but it seems so shallow. I have a
lot of friends like this.

Beyond the reliability issue I find it particularly hard to find highly
intelligent friends. Most of my intellectual stimulation comes from my work
but sometimes I find I want more. Many of the people I meet who are
intelligent and in my field are socially inept. They can be intellectualy
stimulating but deeper friendship is difficult.

~~~
therealdrag0
Ditto. I've managed to meet one or two smart friends in each stage of my life.
But they're kinda all over geographically so hard to be close with or see
often.

------
aaron695
This is is more 'The science of losing friends' with unscientific advice on
gaining them.

I would be interested in science of making them.

Or even a more analytical approach other than kinda obvious stuff.

~~~
xchip
Agreed, yet another article that promises to teach something, it's
artificially long and the bottom line is stuff everybody knows...

------
xchip
What did you like about this article? The headline suggests it's going to
explain something new and it just states the obvious. I see many articles
fitting this pattern. Kind of the "5 ideas to lose weight" we saw a while
back.

------
SFJulie
Made a bot that was used for dating. Nothing smart, just visiting pages of
other persons randomly between 1/3 days and normally triggering alarms.

Girls thought I was shy.

I thought nothing, only that my model of human beings was right: people prefer
100 bouquet of one rose then 1 bouquet of 100 roses.

Since then, I stopped using bots even though it was successful and I prefered
to learn from the bots : just be considerate, and even if you don't think of
it consciously, because you may come back to where you were, you might
influence positively people's opinion. Even cats and animals comes to me on a
regular basis now (probably uncorrelated, but who knows?)

Being polite and considerate does not always mean being lowering your eyes
when you see a bully :)

Since then, I make friends slower, but with more quality. and since my "turn
over" in friendship is low, I kind of do not mind having enough time to share
quality time with them.

------
kelvin0
I've seen 'Friends' and 'Couples' sitting at restaurants staring at their
phones, the whole time they are together. It's already difficult with age to
make friends, if you add the 'mobile' factor you can dwindle the probability
to zero ...

------
elevenfist
A better article on how friendships change over time and in adulthood by the
atlantic.

Key takeaways: (well, don't have time to write this out today, sorry)

[http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/10/how-
friend...](http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/10/how-friendships-
change-over-time-in-adulthood/411466/)

------
kriro
It's very beneficial in society to have lots of friends and know lots of
people. Unfortunately the default mode of making friends is very extroverted
and thus the usual advice is as well. Just chat up someone...that is not
something that a decent chunk of the population is comfortable with.

I haven't read the science but I'm a bit skeptical about the claims. As an
introvert I'm often uncomfortable in mid-size+ social gatherings and need to
recharge afterwards (with a good book for example). The article claims health
benefits form having friends and seems to imply that making more friends is
the way to go. I very much prefer deepening existing friendships. Being around
very good friends is sometimes exhausting as well. I'd be very interested if
the claimed health benefits have been tested on groups that were split into
intorverted/extroverted. I often feel like these "self help by making more
friends" articles are very biased towards the extroverted mode of living.

------
artur_makly
or u can just Rent A Friend : [http://www.afar.com/magazine/the-incredibly-
true-story-of-re...](http://www.afar.com/magazine/the-incredibly-true-story-
of-renting-a-friend-in-tokyo) \-- proven to work in japan. perhaps it could be
repurposed for the US market. (although i dont think it would play out very
well )

~~~
abledon
I always thought it was fun when I was in a random group of people at a party
and a couple of individuals were stoned... kinda rambling their ideas but
really going far out there with the whats and ifs. It would be fun to have a
service that paired you with an individual or group who wanted a 'guide' for
their herb trips as they walked around the city / city parks / recreational
outdoor areas.

\-------------------

Like, people could pick 'flavour' of guides. E.g.:

[ x ] This Person A likes to talk and share his knowledge about bikes.

[ x ] This PersonB likes to talk about Kant/Heigel and some other western
philosophy.

[ x ] This PersonC can do card tricks and has hilarious stories about his time
overseas staying at 'X'. (ok now this is getting farfetched here, but hey
people like doing stuff!) He also can wear a cape if you send a special
request and bring a small jade plant.

\--------------------

MIght not need to even be monetized or anything, I think it would just be fun
to connect with other random groups of people and put on a 'facade' of the
'guide', which in turn might create real friendships. (When we meet new people
we usually are putting on a neutral facade of some sort and really only show
our deeper layers once the intimate connections have had time to be laid
down).

Also , I think this meetup format is less akward because there is a preset
goal in mind: E.g: THis person is going to be talking/showing/interacting
around this theme/subject/activity. So this is similar to when people take
courses in college (with preset goal of learning about course subject) and can
form friendships more easily with people beside them/in discussion group (as
the relationship has the prebuilt support already there to help it build
around).

This is kinda fun to rant on so maybe i will continue later but yes.... Rent A
Friend style idea seems to have potential it could be sooo much more.

could work on ideas of: Homogeneity of English Language. Would be fun to rent-
a-friend but with goal of learning their native language. (E.G. hmm i am bored
on a sunday afternoon, I know , I will practice my language with a rent-a-
friend japanese speaker because I love the phonetics. (maybe the pairing will
also speak japanese as 2nd language but that makes for another commonality
base to talk around)

------
quantum_nerd
This article was deeply personal for me. I have moved around a lot during my
20-something years of life due to a lot of factors including, but not limited
to: genocide, civil war, family house foreclosed, crossing the Atlantic,
taking a new job in a city 1500 miles away from my "home" state. In all those
times, I have made a lot of friends some whom I am still in touch with today
and others, I have drifted apart from. As I get older, it is just get too
tiring to recreate new friendships. I am quiet and picky and not the kind of
personal who has tons of acquaintances. I have gained new insights from this
article;be right back as I text an old friend to ask how he is doing...

------
amelius
Just wondering: can beginning a startup with new people be considered a good
way to find new friends?

~~~
nekomancer
Wouldn't you usually know them already before cofounding a startup with them?
It seems like a pretty big committment.

~~~
newjersey
I agree that it sounds risky ti srarr a startup with people we dont know well
enough to tell if our vision and interests align. That being said, I'd be
willing to work on a not-for-profit side project or proof of concept.

------
ajcarpy2005
Most people also will expect there to always be some level of talking in
social interactioms and feel awkward around pauses and silence. I believe this
is because internally most people have not built up a constructive environment
and use external activities and talking as a distraction rather than truly
growth-inducing times.

It feels awkward without the pauses though. If internally we need change - (WE
do.) Change comes from within. - we need to make sure we aren't running on the
same programming. Responding instantly and avooding pauses is not a new
experience...

------
massysett
Yet another of these superficial articles that is equating quality and
quantity. This obsession with "how many" because it is easily measured is the
same thinking that leads people to pump up their Facebook friend count.

OKCupid used to make the same mistake in their blog entries analyzing their
message traffic. An ad that gets more responses must be better, right? Well,
no. Getting one response from the right person is better than twenty responses
that you are completely uninterested in.

------
stared
I (right not 30yo) consciously balance time spent "old friends" and "new
acquaintances". While most the "acquaintances" never move into good friend,
even a tiny fraction is worth it. (Also, it is wonderful for networking; being
confined to one's circle of friends makes it harder to reach out.)

------
known
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Six_degrees_of_separation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Six_degrees_of_separation)

------
xyzzy4
I think the most important thing is to have a long-lasting, monogamous
relationship. At that point you can decide on expanding your social circle if
you feel like it.

------
kingmanaz
Perhaps someone should create a "learnxinyminutes" for this.

------
technologia
Sort of reminds me of that fake book from Numb3rs :P

------
TheCabin
Where exactly do I find the science here?

------
_ZeD_
obligatory
[http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/bigbangtheory/images/f/f...](http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/bigbangtheory/images/f/ff/Freind1.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20121011222658)

