
Fuck ‘Networking’. Just Be a Human - e1ven
http://onboardly.com/startup-pr/fk-networking-just-be-a-human/#.UrBbZ8_SYUZ
======
drcongo
Tab closed; didn't read.
[http://tabcloseddidntread.com/post/70292809007/inbound-
marke...](http://tabcloseddidntread.com/post/70292809007/inbound-marketing-
just-be-a-human-what-would)

~~~
LukeWalsh
I didn't get this popover, I wonder why?

~~~
drcongo
I think they've now removed it after seeing they got mentioned on TC;DR.

[edit] Nope, still happens but now it's on a delay.

------
PhasmaFelis
> _Stop me when this sounds familiar. It’s early morning. There are stale
> bagels, cheap coffee, and a mix of knock-off stilettos. There’s a table with
> name tags, fat sharpies, and people bumbling about who looks a hair too much
> like Dwight Schrute. Everyone is shaking hands, saying their nice-to-meet-
> you’s, and being totally and utterly forgettable._

I'm happy to say that that sounds utterly unfamiliar, and I'm positively proud
to say that I have no idea how to distinguish "knock-off stilettos."

------
LukeWalsh
The best advice I have ever read on the subject is in Dale Carnegie's "How to
Win Friends and Influence People" (1936).

1) Become genuinely interested in other people.

2) Smile.

3) Remember that a person's name is, to that person, the sweetest and most
important sound in any language.

4) Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

5) Talk in terms of the other person's interest.

6) Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.

So essentially be genuine, and if you try to do anything intentionally just
try to put the other person at ease.

~~~
scarecrowbob
"1) Become genuinely interested in other people."

I'm not sure about the origin of this idea, but I believe it is Ken Kesey...
the gist being that charisma isn't so much the ability to get people to like
you as the ability to get yourself to like other people.

~~~
LukeWalsh
Dale Carnegie at least popularized it, the book was published when Ken Kesey
was a small child.
[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influenc...](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influence_People)
[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ken_Kesey](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ken_Kesey)

------
thelastpoet
"But like the girl who wears a padded bra, there’s some serious misleading
going on there."

Was this really necessary?

~~~
waterlion
No. Neither was the obfuscated swear word in the title. Nor the word 'screw'.
Nor was the picture at the top of the article or the pink headings. Or the
call to action below. Nor the chatty writing style. Very little of the article
was necessary, but it is what it is.

You can draw the line anywhere, really, and the author chose to draw it there.
If the author of every article self-censors and goes out of its way not to
offend anyone at all then we're going to end up with a very boring world.

It's a _good_ thing to have your sensibilities challenged.

~~~
scarecrowbob
Yes, but it's equally important to have good sensibilities.

~~~
louthy
Sorry, where's the sensibility handbook? I assume from your comment that
there's a standard that needs to be adhered to?

~~~
waterlion
Sorry, there's no handbook. You just have to go through life doing your best,
occasionally there's a little misunderstanding and there's a witch-hunt and
you're subjected to mass-Internet-bullying until you apologise for your little
mistake, whether or not it was your fault. Together society moves forward to
non-exclusionary monoculture where there is no risky language, however
borderline or insignificant, and offenders are switftly dealt with.

For every joke there is a minority that it excludes.

Alternatively, people are thoughtful about what they write and equally
thoughtful about their standards of evidence and credibility when they call
people out on things. People stop and think before bullying each other in the
name of equality and try to exercise empathy for everyone.

But sadly I don't think the human brain is wired for that.

(Yes I'm still annoyed about Noordhuis and incredulous about how vindictive
and hateful some people can be.)

~~~
MartinCron
I'm generally what one would classify as a white-knighting witch-hunter who
thinks that you should keep your "risky" language and humor out of
professional contexts (for basically the same reason you shouldn't smoke
cigarettes in professional offices, I shouldn't have to breathe that shit
while I'm working) but I just upvoted you because you're making an excellent
point about exercising empathy for everyone.

~~~
waterlion
Here's the thing. So am I. I would say I am very egalitarian and very
empathetic. I would say I am a feminist, which is perhaps why I find certain
behaviour on the Internet under the banner of feminism troubling.

I recognise that mob-precursor-feeling rising in me occasionally (often when I
see footage of policemen attacking civilians unprovoked) but, I think, it's up
to us all to behave as civilised human beings, and that includes not joining
the mob, seeking to empathise with both parties and actually looking for the
evidence.

For this reason I find mob mentality and zero tolerance behaviour deeply
troubling and try to engage in conversation whenever I see it.

This is a corporate blog so you could say it comes under the 'professional'
umbrella. If you're going to criticise it, you could say that the general tone
of the article isn't particularly professional, but, as I said in another
comment, there was plenty more to find problems with than just the mention of
a padded bra. I happen to think the blog post was fine, probably because the
Internet has brought personal and professional universes incredibly close.

I understand if others disagree, for disagreement to be respected it has to
come intellectual honesty (i.e. evidence of critical thought) rather than as a
reflex.

~~~
scarecrowbob
I don't disagree with your initial point. However, it carries the rhetorical
premise that simply because we find something offensive we should question our
sensibilities rather than note when we feel other folks are being sexist.

To an extent, I agree with that as well, though it's possible you're not
intending that premise within your statement.

But ultimately, we have sensibilities, and while we should question them it's
not universally the case that our sensibilities are wrongheaded, and
personally, I think the padded bra comment is a good example of that kind of
thing which, even upon reflection, I have little trouble saying that folks who
write like that are employing a sexist trope.

~~~
MartinCron
I think that we should all strive both not to be offensive _and_ not to be
easily offended. Just as importantly, we can call out stupid sexist tropes (or
inadvertent exclusionary language) without demonizing those who write them.

------
josefresco
"Networking is for losers." but the final point is to put down your business
cards and ...network?

I get it, he's saying not be soulless, personality-lacking networking stooge.
But the advice is to simply network ... better. Instead of force-feeding your
business card, actually talk to someone.

Not sure about anyone else but this was advice that seemed pretty obvious to
me and most I network with.

~~~
fecak
In my experience this isn't obvious to most. I've hosted an event 8x a year
since 2000, and you can see the people who seem to be 'on a mission' as
opposed to the ones that are a bit more subtle about it. If it takes you less
than 5 seconds to produce a business card, you're probably a bit too anxious.

Many people view events as an almost speed dating type atmosphere instead of
just staying in the moment and not fixating on the need to acquire (info,
contacts, etc.).

------
jmduke
I can't help but shake the feeling that a more accurate title would be:

"Fuck networking. Just be better at networking."

~~~
khafra
Yes, we nerds should know this trick: It's exactly like when we were kids, and
they told us "don't try to be cool." What we really needed to do was not get
_caught_ trying to be cool; needed to try so hard that we made it our identity
rather than a detectable affectation.

~~~
jtbigwoo
I wish I had known in high school that they meant, "Don't try to be cool, just
make being cool the central focus of your life." Thank God the definition of
cool gets much more flexible after high school.

------
untog
"Get FREE Access to Our Inbound Marketing Course"

Gross pop-up you have there.

------
VLM
Despite the advice to stop counting (and start stopwatch timing) it seems to
boil down to everyone's an equal commodity and you should boost your numbers.

If someone's boring or not relevant, they're getting the "poorly designed
piece of cardstock" and maybe a psuedo-sales pitch.

WRT to being one of those people, there is intense selection bias going on,
and if the majority of the subset at a meatspace networking event are focused
specifically on being one of those people, then no one at that event will be
interested in not being one of those people. I'm just saying bars are great,
and AA meetings are great, therefore a double-great idea would be an AA
meeting at a bar. Hmm.

------
vezzy-fnord
_This is especially important for those of us that work in tech. We’re all
extremely attached to our phones. We can’t just sit on the bus anymore. People
are faking calls to make themselves look busy and important when they’re
waiting for their friends to show up. We go out for dinner with people and
we’re more interested in email and text messages. While it’s important to be
connected, it’s even more important to be present when you’re interacting with
others._

Perhaps I don't have much of a set to base this on, but from what I've noticed
the ones in tech (at least, the ones well versed in it, not just generic
managers and help desk workers -- though their job title does not dictate
their actual knowledge, of course)... they tend not to be smartphone junkies
as much as the average consumer. Especially not for things like text messages
and email.

I guess it depends on the person, though. The ambitious startup type might fit
the above criteria quite well.

~~~
Dewie
I'm a web-junky, but only when I am on my laptop. Fiddling with my smart phone
doesn't do much for me.

------
PagingCraig
This is written by someone who refuses to try to get better at
networking...and is completely mistified by what it actually is.

See: [http://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/blog/video-how-to-
use-n...](http://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/blog/video-how-to-use-natural-
networking-to-connect-with-anyone/)

------
headgasket
I re-read this page before any networking event I go to.

[http://www.westegg.com/unmaintained/carnegie/win-
friends.htm...](http://www.westegg.com/unmaintained/carnegie/win-friends.html)

It has worked wonders for me. Cheers and good luck!

~~~
mindcrime
My version of that is listening to _We Hate Everyone_ by Type O Negative
before networking events. YMMV.

------
mephi5t0
I love Louis CK on that one. Like he says that people just need to put the way
phones to learn be "just that person". Notice that you CAN ride an elevator by
yourself normally. But when there are few more people you try to beat this
awkward moment by going into the phone instead of just staying still, relax
and look straight :)

[http://gawker.com/louis-c-k-s-explanation-of-why-he-hates-
sm...](http://gawker.com/louis-c-k-s-explanation-of-why-he-hates-smartphones-
is-1354954625)

~~~
lmm
I use my phone in the lift even on my own, because I enjoy it. Sure, I could
avoid it, but why would I?

~~~
mephi5t0
You missing the point. It's not about "phone and elevator" discussion. It's
about being a person. And communication. And feelings.

------
cognivore
All those browns and pinks were way better reading when I was blasting "More
Human Than Human" by White Zombie. Try it!

------
jh3
Being present is critical, but this type of advice is pretty useless for
someone who has a difficult time speaking with strangers. It is hard to be
present when all you are thinking about is all the bad possibilities that may
come out of talking to people you have never met.

If you're scared of sounding dumb or "new" you won't be willing to talk with
the people who you think are much more successful than yourself. Handling the
uncomfortable ball of nerves your body creates before speaking with strangers
is hard. There's no step by step list of things you can do to get over
yourself. It requires experience which is earned only by attending
events/conferences/meetups that are full of strangers. The only way around the
nerves is being prepared with a quick blurb about yourself (which is also
hard). Knowing how to respond to the "So what do you do?" question sounds easy
enough but it's also super terrifying if you're a shy/introverted person.
Having this answer prepared will allow you to get through the hardest wall of
all: actually speaking to the stranger(s).

If you're thinking of selling schemes before you even shake someones hand,
your not going to be listening.

If you're just trying to collect names and cards, you won't be building long
lasting relationships.

I try to forget about my business cards until I'm asked if I have one. I also
try treating people with respect instead of a sales pitch, which requires
listening to what they're saying. I would bring business cards with you
everywhere, though. It is good to have them on hand if someone wants a way to
remember you. They are even better to have on hand when they specifically ask
for one. You are not going to build a meaningful relationship if they forget
your last name. Lowering the barrier to your information for someone who
actually wants your information on hand is important. It is even more
important if the people you are meeting expect a card as a way to remember
you.

Respect also requires remembering their name (which is harder for me than
remembering an entire conversation!). In order for me to remember a single
name in the moment, I will immediately repeat it. Maybe once out loud, as a
way of beginning the conversation. If I'm with a group, and depending on the
age of the people, I'll make it a memory game. I'll repeat their names as we
go around introducing ourselves. After everyone has introduced themselves I'll
repeat all their names again, sometimes letting them know I have a hard time
with names. Self-deprecation helps me break the ice if I'm nervous and tends
to make the group laugh. This works especially well when speaking with college
students since they are usually much more nervous than whoever they are
speaking with.

Being nice and handling conversations is difficult, and I think knowing the
intricacies of conversation is an art. It needs to be practiced with everyone
you encounter.

