

The shy connector: How to get strangers to talk to you - dhotson
http://sachachua.com/wp/2009/08/11/the-shy-connector-thinking-out-loud/

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dtf
Good advice. But the author, a self-identified introvert, comes across as
someone who's genuinely interested in other people. Some people, introvert or
extrovert, are just not that interested in others. This isn't a bad thing -
self-focused people accomplish much in the world. I see empathy as orthogonal
to extraversion, and it's not something you can fake (unless you're a
psychopath!).

~~~
roundsquare
But people who don't care to talk to other people would not be reading this.
This advise is for a select group of people (introverts who want to meet
others).

~~~
marvin
Exactly. It is wonderful that a reflected, empathic introvert has finally been
able to figure out something like this. I am in the same spot as the author
right now, and the thing that really gets to me is that I have to fake being
an extrovert in order to connect with other people. It isn't really that hard
(it's just acting), but it is really draining when it shouldn't be.

The ideal way to interact would be to be able to be myself while still
managing to spark some openness and life in my conversational counterpart.
After all, most deep wants are somehow achievable, and there isn't any obvious
reason why it should be impossible to connect with other people if you happen
to hate smalltalk and often enjoy being alone.

The definition of introvert is _not requiring that much external social
stimulation_ , not _hating to interact with other people._

~~~
biohacker42
_but it is really draining when it shouldn't be._

Nope it is draining for introverts.

Your definition of introvert is a bit off too. Introverts ARE mentally drained
by social interaction. I am. And I am invigorated by alone time. I am an
introvert, but me and all my introvert friends don't have any trouble talking
to people, starting conversations, small talk, parties, even public speaking.

In fact the people I know that do have trouble with those things strike me as
shy and socially anxious _extroverts_.

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dbz
One of my teachers freshman year was talking to the class about his friend, he
would often start a conversation with strangers he met at bus stops (as an
example) with a question like this: "What kind of music do you think you
like?" Now some people turned into interesting conversation, while others,
sadly, told him to piss off. But the point is, it's an interesting way of how
to get strangers to talk to you =]

~~~
jongraehl
Is "you think" part of the bait?

~~~
jamesbritt
:)

"Hey geeks! Ya know all that stuff you learned about subtle trolling on the
'Net? IT WORKS IN REAL LIFE!"

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jamesbritt
Most helpful thing I found is to ask ask people about themselves. A corollary
is to avoid referring to "I" , "me", and so on. (Not always so easy of you've
been spending a lot of time on your own, doing whatever drives you.)

Most folks a) like to talk about themselves (or their interests), and b) are
flattered that someone is interested.

~~~
antaeos
I second this. People seem to come with a built-in affinity for probing _just
how amazing_ they are. Depending on your agenda, all you really have to do is
help them explore that space.

~~~
jamesbritt
Sometimes I put myself in the "interviewing for a magazine" mindset to keep me
rolling.

I confess that encouraging people to talk about themselves when instead I
could be talking about me is a habit I keep working to develop.

Do geeks have a greater tendency to talk about themselves than the general
population, or is this pretty much everybody?

I do think that geeks have a warped idea about what normal people will think
interesting. :)

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sofal
I can just see myself now...

"It's a pretty nice day. Hasn't been too humid lately."

"Yeah. Hey so what are you passionate about?"

~~~
wallflower
Check out darkxanthos' crazy social desensitization exercise.. He talked to a
stranger every day for 30 days and it became so much more:

"Social Skydiving with a Code Monkey: Day 15 Halfway There"

<http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=693981>

I know your comment above was sarcastic but..

Think about how you talk with your good friends.

How it just flows. The idea behind leapfrogging small talk is to talk like
you're friends already.

It's a bit of a Jedi mind trick but the basic idea is to prime the pump. When
you walk up to someone point blank (especially a stranger, especially a pretty
girl) - 'What are you up to?' - you're putting all the onus on them to carry
the conversation, believe it or not. Because you didn't have the _courage_ to
actually start a conversation. They don't know you - so of course they'll say
'nothing' or 'errands. bye!' to politely blow you off. You didn't invest much
so they won't invest much back. And the conversation will die.

Commitment is everything! Asking someone a question is not starting a
conversation. Tell them something about themselves.

How to start a conversation? Practice. Compliments are great. If you notice
something interesting about someone, instead of just keeping it in your head.
Just walk over confidently and say it. "I like how you are so engrossed in
that book in the midst of the craziness here".

Never state a fact without a feeling. Facts are boring.

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dhotson
I used to be really shy when talking to people.. I'm getting better at it
though.

Usually all it takes to get things started is a "G'day, hows it going?"

:-)

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GeneralMaximus
I should totally get a hat.

~~~
c00p3r
It is a generally good idea to try to weat something that you consider unusual
for you or even unacceptable. It could be bright red or yellow or orange coat,
jeans or hat. It is very useful experience - you will notice that people are
looking at you - that very important experience (which couldn't be extracted
from books or other way) for shy prople on the way of self-development. And
you also will notice that the sky still didn't fall on earch because you're
wearing this imposible (for you) hat or coat.

~~~
PieSquared
I sometimes wear a bathrobe. Not one I actually use as a bathrobe... Just
instead of a trenchcoat. It's ridiculously comfortable, and gets people to
talk to me.

~~~
trafficlight
Or ask you which institution you busted out of.

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shib71
Finally, some practical advice introvert to introvert.

~~~
jacoblyles
Many people have flexible dispositions, however, and will generally find their
social lot improve if they teach themselves to take the initiative in social
interactions. I believe there are true unchangeable introverts, but not as
many who think that they are.

~~~
cracki
just wondering about the parallels...

there was a time when people thought that left-handed people could be taught
to use the "right" hand too...

not saying it can't be done, but... you can probably predict my thoughts.

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dlevine
I used to be completely in my own world. I would never talk to people who I
didn't know. Then a while back, I decided to change that. I get into
conversations all the time with random people I meet on the street.

It's interesting how friendly a lot of people are if you just make an attempt
to be nice or polite. You can get, for example, all sorts of interesting
information from security guards...

