
Ask HN: Books for assertivness and dealing with confrontation - miffed
I really suck at confrontation. Even discussing  different web technologies or changing processes gets me het up. Does anyone have recommendations on good books I can read on the subject?<p>Also, I&#x27;m looking for books about improving assertiveness.<p>I&#x27;ve had a search already but it&#x27;s hard to separate the wheat from the chaff.<p>Thanks for you help!
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navanit
"Winning through Intimidation" by Robert Ringer is an amazing work that has
helped me tremendously.

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hga
I joined this discussion just to recommend that book, it also helped me
tremendously; I read it as a teen in the '70s.

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mindcrash
I suggest to read everything from Marshall Rosenberg and friends on Non
Violent Communication [1]. A great way to start is his website [2] and the
first chapter of the book with the same name [3].

Do note however that this will probably not help you dealing with toxic
narcissistic assholes who are mainly out there to hurt you to make them feel
good about themselves in any way they can. You can almost never say or do
anything right amongst those, no matter how you behave.

[1]
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication)

[2]
[http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/index.htm](http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/index.htm)

[3]
[http://nonviolentcommunication.com/store/images/pdf/2a_nvc_c...](http://nonviolentcommunication.com/store/images/pdf/2a_nvc_chapterone.pdf)

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antonchekhov
"The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for
Yourself at Work and in Relationships" by Randy Paterson is the best I've
read, although "Crucial Conversations" is very good as well. He discusses the
three types of barriers (Stress, Social, and Belief) to assertiveness, and
offers specific exercises to work through them. He's also very realistic - for
example, he mentions that some relationships will become temporarily more
difficult once you start asserting yourself more, but you shouldn't be
deterred.

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ObligatoryRef
How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie. I've found that
killing 'em with kindness often produces much better results.

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JSeymourATL
> I really suck at confrontation.

When people become angry, uncertain, and mistrustful-- they physiologically
hear less. The ability to take an emotional temperature reading, both yours
and the other party-- and deal with it, is vital in all interactions.

Here's an uncommon read on assertiveness by Stuart Diamond >
www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOZo6Lx70ok

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mgregory22
Crucial Conversations is good.

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kstenerud
Want to learn how to deal with conflict? Get into conflicts regularly.

That may sound trite, but it's the same for everything. In theory, it's the
same as practice. In practice, it isn't.

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gadders
Fight Club

