
Ask HN: I implemented the life I designed: perfect but I feel lost. What now? - adv0r
Thanks to a mix of luck, hard work, high energy, study, drive, and self-discipline, I achieved most of the things I wanted out of life so far.
I got to a point in my life where I&#x27;m free from debt, free from mortgage, free from bosses, free from clients, and financially independent. I&#x27;m healthy, I live in one of the world most beautiful cities, loved by my family, surrounded by good friends, happily married with a kid and a dog. I travel, take pictures, hike, meditate, read.  
I got the full pack.  Yet I feel lost.<p>I&#x27;m 33 and I feel I am now wasting productive years, setting slightly more challenging goals week after week, chasing a moving target, and never actually getting it. I feel I have way too much freedom, too many choices, and feel paralyzed.<p>What should I do? I am not the kind of person who can keep living like this forever... I feel like I realized (most of) my dreams, but not fulfilled a real hardcore purpose&#x2F;mission.<p>How do I find meaning? What should I spend most of my time on?<p>This time I&#x27;d like to start really pouring my soul into something that can provide meaning to my life, without rushing into the next app&#x2F;side project&#x2F;hustle&#x2F;startup to temporarily calm my curiosity.<p>help?
======
cheschire
Once you’ve conquered Maslow’s original hierarchy of needs, dig into his final
need that he added later in life. Achieve not for yourself but for your
community or your world. Transcend the self, and feel that higher order need.

As another commenter mentioned, altruistic endeavors are a good choice. Even
things like being a Boy Scout leader can be hugely fulfilling of that broader
need.

~~~
adv0r
Where do I start? What's the first baby step? I googled "Volunteering
opportunities" many times without success so far ;)

~~~
jaredchung
It's GREAT that you're in this position! CONGRATULATIONS!!!

I went through this as well. 10 years ago I was at the peak of a career but
missing purpose. I rededicated my life to serving other people. It has given
me a whole new lease on existence, and I can't recommend it enough. It really
feels better to give than to receive!

The short, overly simplistic answer is that all you need to do to rededicate
yourself to a life of helping people is to listen and learn to what they need.
Volunteering is a good way to learn about people who need help, but it's not
the only way. Volunteering in person can be tough right now because of COVID,
but there are some things you can do online, and if you have a bit of patience
you could wait until in-person volunteering picks back up again and then
establish some goals for yourself (e.g., "volunteer at least 3 days each month
for 6 months")

Outside of volunteering, you could take time to listen to and learn about
people who you think might need help. Depending on your geography, those might
be different folks.

If the things above STILL don't work for you, you could do something that is
maybe slightly more dangerous, but still can work. Flip it around and look for
things to be outraged by. Things you can't stand. Mass deforestation. Racial
injustice. Human trafficking. 1000 other injustices to choose from. And then
get active! (Be cautious with this one -- rage alone isn't productive -- you
have to mix your outrage with your proactive strengths and positive energies
too!)

In my case, I ended up discovering my passion for helping low-income youth
prepare for careers, which became my full-time focus and it's been a true
privilege to work on.

~~~
imhoguy
This. There is a group of computer illiterate people who do important work for
our society but they were forced to work or learn from home, a team viewer
sessions once or twice a day is really refreshing to see how our IT skills are
useful - and that instant gratification "thank you" and joy in the camera.

------
blisterpeanuts
When I was older than you, I left technology to try for medical school. After
several years of studies, some of it absolutely brutal, I had to go back to
technology; my brain is just not wired to memorize large amounts of
information as required to pass med school exams. It was a fascinating detour
and I was fortunate that I had the tech skills to get back into technology,
though my dreams of becoming a doctor had come to an end.

I guess my message is, push yourself to try different things, ascend to new
heights. You may, like me, crash and burn, but it's also a way to grow
(perhaps, at least, like me, learn some humility and understanding of your own
flaws and limitations).

There's a wonderful book, a bit dated but still worth reading: "What Should I
Do With My Life" by Po Bronson[1], a set of interviews with people who became
restless and changed careers, sometimes succeeding, sometimes "a work in
progress". I got a lot of inspiration from reading others' stories and perhaps
you will, as well.

1\.
[https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000FBFMKC](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000FBFMKC)

~~~
PascLeRasc
Did you do a post-bac program for this? I'm in the process of trying to leave
software and become a PA, but I'm not sure what the best path would be, or how
to budget/plan.

~~~
skadamou
I can speak to this a little bit. I am in the process of finishing a post-bacc
with the goal of applying to medical schools next year after having switched
from a career in tech.

My biggest piece of advice would be to not let go of your career too soon.
It's tough taking classes and working a full time job simultaneously but I
think it's really important to make sure that you can handle that kind of work
load and that this is a change you really want to make before giving up your
livelihood. It might take you an extra year in your post-bacc but IMO the
extra year of financial security and time to figure out the correct path is
just worth it... I think what's tough about the PA route is that many programs
require applicants to already have thousands of hours of patient contact
before applying. This likely means that you will have to find some kind of job
in health care prior to applying for a PA program... If I were you, before I
set my heart on a PA program I would take a good hard look at nursing
programs, NP programs, and MD/DO programs because you can get accepted into
those types of schools without having the same kind of professional background
a PA school require of you. With that said, if my heart was still set on PA, I
would probably try to go for some kind of certificate or associates program
first in something like respiratory therapy, pathology/radiology/laboratory
tech, or EMT/paramedicine in order to move into the healthcare space with some
kind of skill/career prospects before quitting my tech job. Then you can get
the hours you need and take any classes the programs your interested in
require of you while also confirming that you do indeed want to be a PA. That
whole process, from making a plan to finishing your PA program could probably
be done in 5 years which, when you consider how long medical school is,
doesn't seem too bad. Especially, if you are able to stay in a lucrative
profession before beginning PA school.

This is just my two cents. I am by no means an expert but I am at the end of
my third and final year of post-bacc classes and I have spent a lot of time
thinking about which path out of a tech and into healthcare makes the most
sense.

~~~
PascLeRasc
Thanks so much for the info. I just finished getting my EMT certification,
it's just gonna be really hard to get the hours of experience done without
leaving my regular job. My job isn't lucrative (mid-$50k), but I'm not sure if
I can afford to live on minimum wage + no health insurance as a full-time EMT.
Plus I have no idea how I'll pay to get a post-bac. It seems like you need a
certain amount of financial security to do this.

------
OrangeBlaze
I was once in a similar situation: I felt full but empty at the same time. I
was very content with my life but I knew something was missing and I had no
idea what it was. Some people have suggested to spend time ‘giving back’. But
why? There is no real objective reason to be altruistic. It seemed to me that
it was all meaningless. The very foundations of morals and ethics became weak.
I hated this perspective and tried to inject some pseudo logical reason to
give me purpose in my empty life. Like yourself, I concluded that I simply
can’t carry on living like this.

What took me out of this loop was a stronger belief in God. I acknowledged
that I was lost, submitted myself, and simply asked for guidance. This
required a level of self-honestly and introspection. Incrementally, my life
became filled with meaning as I began to understand Allah. Everything that I
do, I do it in worship of Allah. I live and love in His light and life has
never ever been better. My love and trust in Allah has given me a sense of
purpose that is unparalleled. My relationships have improved tremendously and
I am no longer subject to intense emotions of anxiety and existential dread.
In turn, my productive output has improved as well as my mental clarity.(all
by the grace of Allah)

I understand a lot of people may not believe in God. I implore you to throw
your ego away and truly seek your wellbeing.

 _hug_

Note: Allah literally translates to “The God” as Islam is strictly
monotheistic.

~~~
yters
Yet there is a lot that seems not so great about religion and very human in
the evil done in its name. I find it hard to devote myself to a 'god' if the
teachings could well be made up by a person and just be used to control
people. How do you make sure you have the truth and not a man made ideology?

~~~
imhoguy
You can try to worship "god" thru appreciation of surrounding nature, laws of
physics, math, life complexity. Just use common sense and your own moral
barometer.

------
Baeocystin
>This time I'd like to start really pouring my soul into something that can
provide meaning to my life

Meaning comes from within. If you're looking for outside sources, you've
already lost. If you've achieved enough material success that you no longer
have to worry about working to survive, excellent! _Be grateful, for you have
something 99.999% of the world will never have._ Use the free time you have
achieved to think about things that matter to you. Not what you 'think' should
matter, not what other people say matters, but what actually matters to you.
If you haven't done this before, (and it sounds like you haven't), don't be
surprised when it turns out to be a genuinely difficult question. That's ok!
Take your time, roll it around in your mind. Don't try and go 100% all-in on
things. That only works when you have a concrete goal already defined. You
need to let your default network roam around for a bit.

~~~
adv0r
this resonate quite a lot with the state of things. Thanks.

Tomorrow morning I'll plan to spend some time in a library just pondering
about it

------
ardit33
This is a symptom of someone that lived a 'square' life style all their
lives... and never did something out of bounds or take risks

You really need to spice up your life... Go to the dessert, do some 'safe'
drugs, (aka, mushrooms)..., get a mistress.... get a motorcycle (and be safe
about it), buy one of those trycycle open air cars and ride the coast, start
playing some social sports seriously, (volleyball/soccer) etc... etc...

It is up to you what you think you like, but often you never know until you
try it. The fact that you are not happy, means you are getting a mini burn out
from being so 'square' all your life. Time to rebel a bit, just don't throw
the baby with the bathwater, (aka, don't destroy the good stuff in your life,
just incorporate some more risky fun)

~~~
DrAwdeOccarim
I love this comment. I could not agree more. I would love to re-live those
years, but I am content to have "been there/done that". I would feel so empty
without all the stupid shit I've done in my life. But of course I'm lucky to
be alive, and also to have come of age pre-911, but I'm not sure how one can
know how great they have things without having seen the edge. For passer-bys,
I highly recommend reading the book Siddhartha for insight into this idea--
finding bookends to your existence has brought me incredible peace.

------
lxrbst
Are you sure you actually implemented the life you wanted or what was expected
from you? Sounds like you had a checklist/recipe for life and you went with
it.

The good thing is you have so many doors open now. Do whatever. You're young
enough to pick up any hobby or career. Don't think about whether it's
financially worth doing or if you're on some "mission" or "purpose". Don't
think about whether it's safe or unpopular.

Sometimes the most fulfilling things are inherently worthless. Learn an
instrument, buy a motorcycle, make a painting, become a scuba instructor, run
a marathon, try drugs, move to another country, sit at a park/cafe and talk
with people - you get the picture. You'll find something that clicks, just get
out of your checklist view of life.

~~~
adv0r
> Sounds like you had a checklist/recipe for life and you went with it.

Yep, tried to follow a mix of passion and checklists.

> Do whatever.

love this. This is also the problem itself. I can do anything. But what will I
miss out if I do x instead of y?

> Learn an instrument, buy a motorcycle, make a painting, become a scuba
> instructor, run a marathon, try drugs, move to another country, sit at a
> park/cafe and talk with people - you get the picture.

The instrument sounds good. I. did run a marathon, bought a motorcycle (and a
sailboat), I can't paint, lived in 6 countries, drugs scary the shit out of me
after teenage THC-related panic attacks.

Give me more.

> You'll find something that clicks, just get out of your checklist view of
> life.

Hahaha, some friend call me the "list man"... they also made a drawing of me
holding a checklist at my wedding :

~~~
loopz
Take those lists of yours and burn them. Find the files you rely on to plan,
and rm the crap out of them.

Be here and now. Talk to people you normally wouldn't talk to. Do things
without needing justifications. Be an absolute clown for a day, or just do
something really crazy (ie. involuntarily funny) without justifying it to
anybody. Notice what piques your curiosity and engagement, and pursue some
whims of fancy. Notice variations of feelings and how they play with the rest
of mind-body system and vica versa.

------
ALittleLight
When you reach the top of the mountain, the only Zen you will find is the Zen
you brought with you. Meaning: you must find fulfillment within yourself and
not in outside things or accomplishments.

~~~
adv0r
I'm kind of sick of myself, honestly.

~~~
ALittleLight
That seems like a good place to start. Figure out why and what it would take
to correct.

------
throwaway391003
It's a huge lie that once you've achieved the "american dream" (which I don't
think is the real american dream anyways) then everything will be sorted out.
yes your life will be more amazing, and it's 100% important to reach this
place, but once you've hit that place you'll lose a lot of motivation and
energy, cause now lack of money, lack of family, lack of anything, doesn't
kick your ass during the day. so you have a huge new challenge on your hands,
and that is to re-invent yourself and discover what can move you now. you're
embarking on a set of veryyyy difficult questions around what's the purpose of
all this, what's the point of this, what the heck should i do with my days
now. just know that you've been put on this journey for a reason and there's a
way out and listen to your heart more than anything else. trust yourself. and
be patient. there are answers out there and they will make you more fulfilled
than you can imagine. the worst thing you can do is turn a blind eye to what
your heart is saying and dive back into work and whatnot. you're doing the
right, difficult thing by sitting patiently and staring right into the eye of
the storm, so despite it appearing you're doing nothing with your life now,
you're going through a lot of inner changes that will ultimately lead to a lot
of outer changes.

------
neplus
I would recommend the following video that may not provide explicit answers,
but will perhaps provide a contextual understanding for how you're feeling.

Why Passivity Breeds Mediocrity and Mental Illness:
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUs6NDsMWVI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUs6NDsMWVI)

It sounds like you've slammed your new life full of ephemeral busywork to,
well, keep yourself occupied. It also sounds like you don't have a
professional network that relies on you and that you rely on (since you're
financially independent and just poking around these days).

You may want to take a step back, enmesh yourself for a few weeks or months in
all the possible paths you could focus yourself on (which will likely be
chaotic and unenjoyable), and then just dedicate yourself to pursuing a given
path. Try to build up a network, feel you are helping others in the network,
and see where it all goes.

Whether this path ends up being financially fruitful or being conventionally
successful along some other axis should be viewed as irrelevant given your
current status. You'll likely find just having a thing to do, that other
people are also working tangentially on or are interested in, will bring you
all the success you need.

~~~
adv0r
Watched the video. I am definitely the kind of person he describes, and I
agree with the diagnosis he makes about the human condition. I honestly don't
think the cure he is suggesting is working, otherwise, I wouldn't be here. I
am very very very far from being passive, indeed I (try to) fill (most of) my
days with challenges and creative activities from which I get pride (cit.)
pleasure, and make me feel alive. I've always lived this way, and it starts to
feel like a "challenge addiction" that doesn't really take me anywhere long
term. It makes me perpetually and intermittently unsatisfied so that I need to
go find "the next thing" to create/do/work on, that will make the discomfort
go away, and let me feel PRIDE. For 10 minutes. And then back to it... It's a
hamster wheel, and it's the very reason I started this thread. I started to
somehow look with envy at the "content people" which seem to get away with
passive and superficial relaxing lives.

~~~
imtringued
It's hard to get the idea across.

Content = I am happy the way I am.

Not Content = I want to improve myself.

That's it. Being content is being passive by definition.

A lot of people don't want to be passive and that is perfectly okay.

------
fsflover
Some research says that helping others brings much more meaning to life.
Consider
[https://www.effectivealtruism.org/](https://www.effectivealtruism.org/).

~~~
WheelsAtLarge
True, finding purpose by helping others will help you figuer out where you fit
in this world. It's seems like you are one of the few that can plan,execute
and accomplish. I would look at ways you can work toward accomplishing goals
bigger than yourself. It will help you immensely.

------
voisin
Schopenhauer wrestled with this problem and came up (paraphrasing so do your
own research - lots to read about this discussion) with the telic vs atelic
duopoly with respect to meaningfulness. What you seem to have achieved are
telic goals - things with a clear end point, like a certain amount of money or
no debt or living in a certain place. What he says, and I’ve found in my own
life, is that the struggle to achieve these is often motivated by a belief
that the end result is more than it actually is in reality and that we are
left feeling empty once we’ve achieved them (or emptier than expected).
Instead, we should struggle to achieve atelic goals, which have no end. Think
of it like being an artisan - there is no endpoint, just continuous honing of
a craft. Fatherhood is an example - there’s no “endpoint” - you find meaning
from being an ever greater father.

What’s nice about atelic goals is they tend to be mutually exclusive and force
you to choose where you will devote your time to lifelong improvement. Telic
goals are the opposite - there’s always another race to get under your belt or
another country to go visit or a bigger house to buy.

------
smcphile
> This time I'd like to start really pouring my soul into something that can
> provide meaning to my life, without rushing into the next app/side
> project/hustle/startup to temporarily calm my curiosity.

I'm not sure it's wise to link seeing life as meaningful to any future project
you might take on. Projects can succeed or fail and they can start with good
intentions but have unforeseen bad consequences.

Also, Rolf Dobelli, author of "The art of the good life", makes the case that
doing what you do best and donating some of the money that you earn to
worthwhile causes is far more efficient in obtaining results than doing
volunteer work a professional could be paid to do much better (especially if
that professional is in a part of the world where earnings and the cost of
living are low).

In general I believe people find meaning either through a religion or some
sort of philosophy of life (such as stoicism).

------
bobblywobbles
Congratulations on your life this far, you have certainly checked off
everything there is in this material world. Honestly, I mean it. Your work
ethic is great, as is your abilities to get you this far.

How is your faith life, do you believe in religion? As some others have
alluded to, having gratitude and giving back I feel are your next steps you
should consider taking. I think you are at a great time in your life to start
that dialogue of faith, start giving back, start believing there is more in
your life, more people you can help.

Life begins when we give back :) (and I don't doubt you haven't, but I think
it's the next step for you after reading your comments).

~~~
adv0r
Where would you start?

~~~
loopz
Lots of possibilities: Local churches (where young adults go), philosophy
groups, search around on billboards and campuses, yoga classes (ie. Art of
Living), etc. Some groups are open to newcomers. Just keep in mind, many
groups try to suck you in and you may need to review why and if you should
continue from time to time. Any place you start, you might connect to people
drawn to you, so could end up in a different group after some time.

~~~
adv0r
ohhh would love to join philosophy groups... is it a thing?

~~~
loopz
I've been to such event, though wasn't a regular and it was more of an
alternative gathering. That was before all the web services, but nowadays
there's ie. meetup, and college/university is bound to have something too:
[https://www.meetup.com/topics/philosophy/](https://www.meetup.com/topics/philosophy/)

Meetup could be a good place to connect about lots of stuff. Don't be
surprised if the thing finds you, but one need to be open to try new and
unplanned experiences.

~~~
adv0r
following up on this: I signed up for a local meetup. in 8 hours I'll go to
the first zoom socratic chat

------
GuiA
Life is like a piece of music. The "point" of listening to it lies in the
listening - not the getting to the end of the track. If you build and optimize
your life around "getting to the end" \- whatever that has meant for you,
getting a degree, reaching a certain amount of wealth, a certain amount of
success, a certain kind of partner, etc. - you will eventually find that there
is no more "end" to get to.

Well, the way out of this is really stupid - you just have to learn to enjoy
the music instead of always looking forward to reaching the end of the track.

------
azhu
Struggle. No one likes it, but meaning comes from pain. The story that goes
"iunno, I was kinda lost so I started volunteering because some guy on an
internet forum said it was a good idea" isn't compelling. You need a
compelling narrative to generate the meaning you're seeking, and that is only
possible in hindsight.

Don't focus on you, focus on the world. Go heads down and focus on making life
better for others. Lose yourself in that, and when you look up you will have
become your answer.

------
ftw817
Shit, help people like me, 30 and not really near that level of accomplishment
yet. Help explain how you got there and what less motivated people could do to
reach even half that. I have a decent job and make enough to travel and all,
but I'm single and could certainly be higher up in the professional sense than
I am at the moment. It'd be nice to know what motivates other people or what
they did to get off their ass in their free time to make it happen.

~~~
codr7
Or, you can learn something from reading this and realize that you're not
really missing anything, because it's a distraction.

A more constructive path would be to focus on passion, follow your heart;
wherever it may lead you.

------
onilton
Just like to add "Life is NOT a Journey", by Alan Watts, here:

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBpaUICxEhk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBpaUICxEhk)

Life is not a journey helps put things in perspective.

~~~
adv0r
already in my favorites

------
erikerikson
The problem is not that you have advantage, it is that so many do not. You
find yourself in a position to assist them. To the extent that what you've
accomplished cannot scale, perhaps consider scaling back. To the extent that
you can scale what you've accomplished to others, pull them up too. Identify
some of the systemic problems and begin solving them because your further
increased wealth results from expanding the world in which you are embedded.
You'll discover new riches and help build an even more fantastic and
comprehensive world around yourself. There are many dynamics taking others
down including some within those others but the external ones need counter
action. The internal ones compassion and support which you are in a position
to try and provide. More abrasively, if you have run out of ways to use your
capital your deficit is in creativity. Wealth buys healthcare and a feeling
that things will be okay and your excesses can be employed to systemically
create such a state more broadly.

------
c22
When I was in my early 20s I had to spend some time working on freeing my
inner-mind from itself. I managed to get to a point where I can feel satisfied
regardless of my external life situation. Since then due to a mix of bad luck,
laziness, and low-energy I haven't achieved almost anything I thought I wanted
from life back when I was graduating from high school. I've spent some time in
remarkable places doing remarkable things I didn't even know were possible to
do and I've also spent some time being homeless and in jail. In all of these
situations I have felt satisfied and fulfilled because I can generate that
feeling from within myself.

Now I also live in one of the world's most beautiful cities surrounded by good
friends and family. I spend a lot of time helping strangers with their
problems for little to no reward. I still have a mortgage, but I feel at peace
with that, and I probably never would have made it to where I am without
taking those detours and getting my head straight first.

------
malux85
Help others.

If you’re a programmer then automate your charitable work.

How many people can you help this week? 50,000?

Can you buy fertiliser for an entire city? Can you pull a ton of carbon out of
the atmosphere? Can you speak for the defenceless, downtrodden, voiceless
people who are suffering? Can you eliminate hunger for a whole village? Can
you teach 10 kids to code and teach them to all teach 10?

Start helping people

~~~
adv0r
n1

------
eplanit
It seems you have a lot to be grateful for -- I'd recommend embracing that
feeling, along with your family.

Or, are you maybe humblebragging? To have all that at 33 years old is quite
good. Are you seeking advice, or acknowledgement? For someone who has been so
effective in their life, it seems odd to me that they feel the need to seek
this advice.

------
lcall
There are probably some good ideas in other replies. Having purpose in life is
everything (I think). I suggest building humanity through learning and
service, and hopefully coming to know eternal truths that support that
learning & service in the best ways. I wrote my further thoughts here (a
simple site, that I hope is skimmable, allowing one to drill into whatever
parts are more interesting, for more details, no cookies etc etc):
[http://lukecall.net/e-9223372036854588981.html](http://lukecall.net/e-9223372036854588981.html)
.

All the best to you.

Edit: ps: one volunteering site that doesn't require you to figure out
detailed extensive plans before getting started, is probably
[https://justserve.org](https://justserve.org) . They let orgs and volunteers
sign up and see what is available, for a given locality.

------
_nalply
Go for a pilgrimage, especially the Way of St. James in Spain. Start near
Lyons in France and plan 3 months of your life. Let your friends and family
accompany you for a week on some stretches of the way, but insist on walking
alone for at least two weeks.

This way you will find your answer.

------
benjaminwootton
Im in a similar position after selling a company last year and recognise all
for emotions.

After a month of golf, I realised that I needed to be in the game to feel
alive and challenged, so went back and started another company pretty quickly.

At 33 it’s way to young to “retire”. Some people could probably do it and
amuse themselves with hobbies and family, but I think most people driven
enough to be self made financially independent at a young age would find it
hard to switch to a life of leisure overnight.

If you do return to work or entrepreneurship, doing it because you genuinely
enjoy the work and challenge rather than needing the money is a good place to
be. I’m enjoying my work more than I have for a long time because the
motivations are completely different.

------
cbanek
I suggest finding a therapist and talking it through with them. I feel like
I'm in much the same situation - I'm lucky, have more than enough of the
things I need, job that makes enough money, health more or less, etc. but feel
lost on purpose.

I think talking with a therapist is so great I recommend it to everyone, not
just those who are suffering from some kind of "problem." Only you can really
find the solution, but that doesn't mean you have to do it alone. Many times I
find what to do to be somewhat counter-intuitive.

Sometimes external review is required to make sure the requirements are met
for such complex problems as implementing a life. ;)

------
jimwhite
Thanks to your exceptional focus and determination you've arrived early at
what is widely called Midlife Crisis. The aphorism your story brings to my
mind is "Don't just do something, sit there!". Not sure what will help you but
I highly recommend a 23 minute investment in David Foster Wallace's "This is
Water":
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PhhC_N6Bm_s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PhhC_N6Bm_s)

------
empath75
[https://youtu.be/6I2pcIbyq-0](https://youtu.be/6I2pcIbyq-0)

“We thought of life by analogy with a journey, a pilgrimage, which had a
serious purpose at the end, and the thing was to get to that end, success or
whatever it is, maybe heaven after you’re dead. But we missed the point the
whole way along. It was a musical thing and you were supposed to sing or to
dance while the music was being played.”

Alan Watts

------
cmroanirgo
This may sound like a flippant comment, but perhaps you're ready to start
exploring the great unknown: yourself.

"Know thyself" is one of the tenants of old, and people naturally think they
know themselves well. (I used to think the same way too... but it's actually
an illusion - a self deceit that we have all built in.)

Start by digging into your own uneasiness. Where does it come from? What
triggers it? You'll find some personal thing, most likely from childhood,
tucked away in the recesses of your psyche that drives you. Meditation and
self honesty are key here.

You can also start by looking at other things, like anger & see how something
like a small irritation early in the day can lead to more irritation later on,
which can lead to a blow up.

As you dig into your own psyche, you'll hopefully uncover how to love your
wife, kids and place in life even more. It will then allow you to dig into
yourself more, with increasing levels of gratitude, compassion and love as a
result. It's pretty cool.

Pay attention to your nightly dreams also, as they often reflect your day time
psyche and can also influence how your upcoming day will be.

Maybe this is what you're looking for?

~~~
adv0r
Are you sure? I spent the last 30 years focusing on myself, on what I wanted
to do, to learn, to get, to reach... Idk...

>Start by digging into your own uneasiness. Where does it come from? What
triggers it? You'll find some personal thing, most likely from childhood,
tucked away in the recesses of your psyche that drives you. Meditation and
self-honesty are key here.

I somehow feel like my "uneasiness" are the real engine that makes me go
around so fast, honestly faster than most of the people I have around. Do I
need a cure from it? I am not sure I am ready to kill the engine.

~~~
cmroanirgo
Absolutely sure. I'm an infinitely better person for it... Add have gone
barely a step down the road.

There's a big difference between going along with your drives and
understanding their root cause. There's this freedom and peace that comes
whenever you uncover the dirt about yourself, that honestly can't be found
anywhere else.

This road is not be for everyone, however. Your initial request for
suggestions showed that it could be. You mentioned that you're happy, that you
have everything, and yet you have an uneasiness driving you. Would it not be
better to be master of your own vehicle, rather than be 'driven'?

Although it seems very selfish, the opposite actually happens. You're more
Here. You're more available and ready to help others, etc.

Although I heartily recommend this way, it's a personal choice on whether to
even try it.

~~~
adv0r
You are also very good at reading between the lines!

> Would it not be better to be master of your own vehicle, rather than be
> 'driven'?

Very deep question. As I mentioned, I don't know the answer.

------
badpun
One of my ideas for an end game is to get a PhD in something genuinely useful
(cancer research?) and then work as a researcher. This way, you take care of
something greater than yourself and your immediate family.

If I were better at dealing with people, I'd probably go into local politics.
The government is always a mess and a person who is not there to fill his
pockets/stroke his ego would be a net plus.

------
paledot
My wife and I are both programmers, both enjoy our jobs. She works for Google,
my job is less prestigious. We don't need two incomes to live very
comfortably. Our solution is to work fewer hours (both on 4-day weeks now) and
aim to donate all of my salary to charity. So far we're only around 40%
because we're trying to spread the money around and it gets awkward to give
over $1000/mo to smaller organizations, but we're adding new charities on an
ongoing basis.

Volunteering is a good suggestion, of course. Trying to inject a new insight
into the conversation here, perhaps it's simply that what you're missing is a
broader scope to your life direction. Volunteering is one way to achieve that,
but as tech people we can also change the world with our work - are doing so
whether we realize it or not. The question is, how? And do you change it for
better or worse?

------
lemiffe
"The Danger Of Seeking a Life Purpose" from Sorelle Amore is an interesting
video that lightly touches on this subject. Whilst I do not agree with
everything mentioned, I do have one word of advice: Find hobbies, find many
hobbies, switch constantly, and you might just find one niche you love... and
once you find something you love, you'll dig into it like the hacker you are,
and then you'll dig deeper, and you'll dream, and you'll envision, and you'll
write, and you'll create, and you'll go leaps and bounds beyond what you
thought you'd be capable of... and you'll fail, but you'll rebound... and
you'll enjoy every single moment of it.

"Pouring your soul into something that can provide meaning to your life"
doesn't just happen, your life has no meaning, just like mine doesn't... but
you can pour something into your life regardless, and this will be much more
satisfactory, knowing we all die, accepting we all die, and still having fun
in this short moment of time we are here... and creating for fun, and...
living!

In my case, I've started delving into creating a new language, creating a
typography for this language, writing a universe where people talk in this
language, writing a story that happens in this universe, and further down the
line I plan to write poems and music that happens in this universe... and all
along I know this is not my life's purpose. This is just a creation... We
don't need a purpose per-se, we need something we love, like the love of
exploring, the love of creating, or the love of pursuing new dreams.

The last thing you say is that you'd like to pour your soul into something
that can provide meaning without rushing into the next side project... I'd
argue against that, pursue ALL the problems, ALL the side projects... and then
you'll find one thing that really clicks, and at that moment you'll know where
to invest your energy.

And maybe, purpose. But purpose is a side-effect.

~~~
adv0r
> Find hobbies, find many hobbies, switch constantly, and you might just find
> one niche you love.

I think that if there is something that defines me, is that I change hobbies
quickly, after a deep dive. That's basically how I got where I am. Should I
keep doing what I always did then?

------
hootbootscoot
Learn about something totally alien and "beyond" your current scope of life
skills. Find a new passion. Find a passion.

Perhaps consider a means of not losing the advantages of what you currently
have, while allowing you significant leeway to alter your future course in a
way that will become clearer to you as you discover it.

------
atomashpolskiy
What about sport? Something challenging, that requires years to master, e.g.
martial arts or skateboarding or climbing? I feel like our happiness is
tightly correlated with how much physical activity we get. I feel most happy
and satisfied with life and myself, when I'm completely physically exhausted.

------
throwaway0608
I was not that successful but I've reached to a point that I thought I could
do anything if I had enough time and I started feeling boring. And then, it's
always come to my mind the question "what's the point of this life?". Then I
started to seek for something more "meaningful". Something more spiritual, and
one day I found "Falun Gong", it's kind of practice that teach you how the
world works in a very special way, the meaning of life, why we need to be a
good person, ... it maybe not for everyone but I think you should give it a
try. There are some free book online, you could start here:
[https://en.falundafa.org/eng/zfl_2018.html](https://en.falundafa.org/eng/zfl_2018.html)

PS: I am not a native speaker of English.

------
hprotagonist
“The highest of distinctions is service to others.”

You need personal connections with meaningful care of and for people in your
community. Don’t donate: put in the sweat equity, and let your life change and
fill up naturally as much as your service changes and fills up your
community’s and it’s people.

Get out there and make a difference in your world with a humble heart, and
you’ll find that it’ll make a difference in you, too.

If you’re in the US, there are a host of things of great value you can sink
years into, ranging all over the spectrum from voter registration to homeless
work to volunteering for literacy in libraries to doing trail maintenance work
in a national park or something. The possibilities for civic service are
plentiful!

------
bsldld
The best thing according to me is to see smile on other people's faces.
Atleast on those people's faces who have lost all hope.

If I was in your position, I would concentrate on two things. Doing something
to provide free(or atleast affordable) best quality

\- education to everyone, especially under priviledged kids e.g. from poor
families and orphans.

\- healthcare to poor people.

Atleast do these two things and the world will be a far better place.

Take a break from your comfortable life and go travel to places like asia,
africa and south america and you will find your calling.

Here is some advice from a well know person:
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYfNvmF0Bqw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYfNvmF0Bqw)

Edit: typo

------
lxdesk
You need an idea to pursue. The idea cannot be a simple myth about changing
the world in some way, it has to be somehow more intrinsically engaging to
you.

Studying some philosophy can help - not for getting the idea, but for usefully
evaluating it after you get it.

------
sakupeth
Consult your experiences and channel your internal value systems into
altruistic endeavors that could help others. Communication comes into play
here more than ever. If you think you have something good for the world, you
need to somehow deliver that message. I see the Arts as a great medium
especially for this type of communication. A combination of science and
creativity seems to be able to pierce through the noise around us and deliver
the signal (message) in a gentle way.

EDIT: A playful example: [https://artful.design/](https://artful.design/)

Hope you will find your way :)

------
imtringued
There is this game called Warframe and it has hundreds of weapons. The top 10
weapons are so good that they take out the skill involved in the game.
Veterans get burned out after spending 1000 hours in the game. The "meta"
(hyper optimization) is actually quite boring. I've had way more fun using
"bad" weapons. Once you made it there is no need to hyperoptimize. If you find
something you like then don't beat yourself up because you think there are
better ways to spend your time.

------
k__
Is your life really what you want?

I'm asking, because what you said sounds like copied from somewhere, without
any own toughts.

You also sound a bit narrow minded. Life is more than just getting rich,
marry, make, kids and travel. You can make art, draw, musik, sing, dance,
sport, research.

Also, you seem rather goal oriented. That isn't bad, but it can lead to
problems. While chasing a goal, you don't have it and long for it and when you
finally reach it, it's done again.

The way should be the goal. Love what you do and the goals become some nice
extras.

~~~
adv0r
>Is your life really what you want?

Not really, you are right. Those things are culturally superimposed on a great
extent.

>You can make art, draw, musik, sing, dance, sport, research.

Besides sport and research, which I basically practice daily, it's been ages
since I last danced/sang/played an instrument. Let alone drawing and art :)
Are you suggesting that I can find meaning by adding some of those to my
weeks/days? It can be an improvement, but I don't feel it like a silver
bullet.

> Love what you do

This sounds very cliche to me. Some day I'm loving programming, other days it
feels like painful uselessness. The same applies to everything. "what I do"
changes often, and so does the love I feel while doing it.

~~~
loopz
Can you accept yourself the way you are and feel? If you do stuff to drive
away feelings, you'll always be chasing away from life and its many depths.
Sometimes, life throws you curveballs or one just feels like shit. Doing
something to "remove" shitty feelings, doesn't really resolve or accomplish
anything. In Hinduism this is called "karma" (action), which is the opposite
of "dharma" (right action). When we get trapped in patterns, we tend to go in
circles (karma). When we break patterns, mend stuff and go on with life,
intuition about our life's purpose is unwrapping and what we then do, even
when superficially misunderstood or unseen, is called dharma. The root of
dharma is often intention to do good, while the root of karma is often the
chains of action-reaction. Without karma, there's no dharma, they go hand-in-
hand.

------
thom
You're not wasting 'productive' years. You have a wife and kid. Ask them what
they want out of life, and do that if you can't think of anything yourself.

------
hymnsfm
Look at the spiritual dimension of your life. The spiritual realm goes far
beyond this brief mortal existence.

Pray to God in the name of Jesus Christ. It will require faith at first. But
if you have a real intent to know, and are willing to listen and make changes,
you'll get the answers you need.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own
understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy
paths." ~Prov. 3:5-6

------
DrAwdeOccarim
[I missed the kid part, ignore the rest of this comment as it's wrong] I'm
surprised no one asked about/suggested procreation? You've literally set
yourself up for that, at this point of your life. If you and your spouse are
unable to, you should look into adoption. The lost feeling could be from not
having a real, good use of what you've built up. It's like building a kingdom
but not having any people in it.

~~~
empath75
He already has a kid, he said.

~~~
DrAwdeOccarim
Thanks, I missed it.

------
poormystic
I too have found that the material world and its rewards aren't enough for me.
For me, meaning is found in the work of care for others, often at my own
expense. The 5 necessities of life are usually said to be 1) food 2) water 3)
clothing 4) shelter 5) each other. Given that food, water, shelter and
clothing are so easy to come by, it has come to seem to me that the more work
I put into number 5, the happier I become.

------
unnouinceput
Do what all people who achieved personal goals do and that's charity. Either
with money or time or perhaps both. Will give you a fuller meaning to life.

------
tinyhouse
> loved by my family, surrounded by good friends, happily married

You got the most important thing right. Whatever you end up doing, don't
forget that.

------
codr7
I went through a similar experience around the same age. Like you, I had
everything I wanted except purpose.

Did you consider asking while meditating? In that state it's easier to reach
into the unconscious, where there may well be an answer waiting for you.

That's the easy part, the difficult part is accepting the answer as it will
potentially change your life dramatically.

~~~
adv0r
> Did you consider asking while meditating?

hehe funny enough, I did it 20 minutes before writing this post. I couldn't
find the answer inside so I though: "Fuck it, let's ask HN"

~~~
codr7
Patience :)

From my experience the answer comes when you least expect it, you might not
even recognize it unless you keep an open mind.

------
ppp225
Get more ambitious and try to change the world for the better. Look at any
person you may admire, may it be Elon, Gates, Bach. Try to achieve what they
could.

Or just take the one thing from your interests you think you're best at, and
make a website for others to enjoy.

Or take the regular route and study philosophy - it was created to find the
meaning of life.

------
ainasurfs
They say it's the journey, not the goal that matters. Having achieved
everything you ever wanted sounds kind of scarry. But there's so much stuff
you can do. How about helping other people or our planet? Doing some charity
work or environmental projects?

------
seltzered_
Alongside effective altruism, if you don't want to work to donate to things
learn about ecosystem restoration, and cultural patterns that may leave your
kid with problems later on. Instead of mere travel, consider real
participation with people that need help.

------
mam2
Have you implemented what you wanted or what you thought you wanted but
society told you was "good".

Sometimes in life its nice to have a bit of nihilism and purposefully let
stuff go or be imperfect.

If nothing else work you could also try ayahuasca, lsd, or simply MDMA.

~~~
bouk
I would suggest seeing a therapist before self-medicating.

~~~
mam2
therapists are usually people who had psychological problems during their
studies and though precisely they could self medicate by doing said studies.
most are insane and can't help anyone

I recommend, instead, surrounding yourself with healthy people.

------
Shoreleave
Dostoevsky, Steinbeck, Shakespeare, and The Bible all have very thoughtful
takes on these kind of questions. And that's just a start.

I've been in your situation before, and immersing myself in great works of art
was probably the most useful thing I did.

~~~
adv0r
I admit I definitely need to do some more reading of those authors. Anything,
in particular, you'd suggest to get me started?

~~~
jp42
You might want to read Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse. Small novel(~150pages) but
very relevant to your question.

------
cmonnow
Religion.

Particularly, Hinduism has its highest corpus of philosophy devoted to the
question - What next ?

In fact, that is literally the question the treatise starts with 'After
enjoying all material desires, what next ? let's start with God'

------
yters
I have found foster care to be very rewarding, in a difficult kind of way. My
wife and haven't been able to have our own kids yet, but bringing in these
other kids it is great to see them grow and be happy.

------
maremmano
There is a planet to save. I think you have a lot of work ahead of you.

~~~
adv0r
grazie ;)

------
marsrover
If you want to give back and are looking for a mentee then I would like to
volunteer because I can’t seem to be successful with my side hustles for the
life of me.

------
luord
What I can answer is my plan once I achieve what you have: spend half my time
contributing to open source projects and the other half writing fiction.

------
pomnia
Have you discovered Mathematics? One can lose many joyful lives just studying
and understanding, especially when there's no pressure for achievement.

~~~
adv0r
yes, math was my major in BSc. Felt in love after reading Du Sautoy. it's
probably being 10 years now I don't do any serious abstract math tho

------
mbrodersen
How can you, with your specific talent/skills, make your family/community/the
world better? In that struggle you will find your meaning.

~~~
adv0r
idk

------
sendbitcoins
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tF66cJDm9r8](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tF66cJDm9r8)

------
smarri
Curious to know how you've done so well? And congratulations! Hope you find
that next thing to keep you motivated.

------
thirtythree
How financially secure are you? I would day invest in people's small companies
if you had the money to.

------
edpichler
Try volunteer work in a really poor country.

------
jonnypotty
Capitalism tells you progress is moral. Progress is achievement. one day there
will be no tomorrow so not everything can be about tomorrow, not everything
can be about change. There is no way to have contentment in our world because
your goals _have_ to be about change. You have to work out what you need and
want - this probably isn't going to be list of cliché capitalist aims. The
game isnt getting things, it's understanding yourself. The western world isn't
setup for humans to live happy lives really, good luck my man.

------
StephenEven
Work to solve one of the tough problems in the world. Renewable energy,
systemic bias, corruption, health care etc.

------
jacknews
"This time I'd like to start really pouring my soul into something that can
provide meaning to my life"

Your kid?

------
pauljeba
Have you heard of Sadhguru? Listen to some of his videos in youtube. You
should find peace.

------
Paul_S
Talk about it with your wife.

~~~
adv0r
Sure, she is aware of my inner struggle, but those are mine and there's not
much she can do. Can she?

~~~
Paul_S
And you think that strangers who don't know you can?

I'd trust my wife's advice more than some anon's. Ask your friends. Family.
I'd ask the dog first before asking online. We don't know you. They do.
They're more likely to understand you and what could help you. Asking here is
no better than asking google "what is the meaning of life?".

~~~
adv0r
lol. True but I don't personally have anybody in my circle of friends who had
experienced this kind of "I have everything" crisis.

------
Yaa101
Just a suggestion...

Help other people, make art and listen to "Skating Polly"...

------
adamaflynn
I've been exploring pretty much the same questions for the last few years. The
first couple years felt distressing because I didn't feel like I was making
progress quickly enough and I had way more questions than answers. Lately, I
feel more positive about the direction of travel, and I've made peace with
this being a slow, difficult journey. Seems like it should be "easy", but it's
really not. Accepting that and not feeling too hard on myself helped a lot.

I haven't figured out a Grand Unified Theory or anything, but a few ideas that
seem important to me:

1\. Altruism & Relationships - covered extensively here already. Cultivating a
few deep relationships and picking altruistic goals seem to be the scalable
approaches to escaping the Hedonistic Treadmill and they're probably necessary
components of any post-financial independence life strategy.

2\. Growth - I'm not sure if this is a universal human thing or just something
entrepreneur types are predisposed to, but I've realised that I'm much happier
when I'm learning and growing. When the learning curve flattens out, I get
feel unsettled. This seems to line up with your observation that you intensely
take up a hobby, then shift to something new. Startups scratch this itch well
because the company's growth forces constant personal growth. Initially, I
tried to transcend this need to always be in motion thinking it was
unsustainable over the long term - but lately I've been more accepting of it.

3\. Change the Game - the trouble with growth as you approach the peak of
whatever career/goal/journey you're on is it becomes exponentially harder to
level up and satisfy that need for motion. I think the solution is to pivot to
a totally different journey where you can start as a beginner and have a lot
of attainable learning & growth ahead of you. I suspect this is a big part of
why successful people tend to pursue philanthropy at the height of their
careers - it's a whole new game, with new challenges to overcome.

From those ideas, I decided to pick a difficult, new domain to focus on with a
goal of figuring out how to do some meaningful good. I happened to choose
climate change, but health, education, poverty reduction, democracy, or any
number of other issues fit the bill of "hard enough to provide years of
learning/growth + focus is helping others". By picking _something_ and
committing, I avoided getting stuck in and endless loop of trying to decide
what the optimal area is - a bias to action helps a lot when you get stuck
with too much choice.

For me, the concrete starting point was Googling "best climate change books",
reading half a dozen of them, and trusting my curiosity to guide me from
there. I've spent the last year learning, and now I'm converging on starting a
startup - although there are plenty of other structures that could work too
(non-profits, volunteering, working on open source, consulting, advising,
etc). The journey hasn't given me total clarity or magically solved everything
- but by imposing some structure ("work full-time to figure out how you can
help with climate change") on my life, things are at least less confusing.

Happy to discuss more privately if you'd like.

~~~
adv0r
I'm thinking AI...

~~~
adamaflynn
Sounds like a great space to dive into. Plenty of depth so you won't run out
of interesting things to learn and there are lots of ways AI can help others.

If climate's your thing, you can check out
[https://www.climatechange.ai/](https://www.climatechange.ai/). I'd bet
similar communities exist around other areas for social good too. Good luck :)

------
stevenalowe
Autonomy? Check. Mastery? Check. Purpose? <== you are here

------
Johnjonjoan
Read some Aldous Huxley and see if that changes you ;)

~~~
danesparza
I can appreciate the fact that you reached out for advice -- thanks for that!
I'm curious to know what parts of Aldous Huxley's work would present an
inspiration for change here?

~~~
Johnjonjoan
You are most welcome. Personally I found the genius and the goddess made the
greatest change in my perspective. Obviously I can't say it will have the same
effect on you; however I've found that many of his writings are very thought
provoking so perhaps just pick a few at random :).

I wish you the very best and I'll leave you with a quote from the man himself:

"Every man who knows how to read has it in his power to magnify himself, to
multiply the ways in which he exists, to make his life full, significant and
interesting."

------
typeformer
Be grateful?

------
typeformer
Be grateful

------
sjdegraeve
Volunteer in your community.

------
paublyrne
Read.

------
notyourplayer
Matthew 6:33

------
milquetoastaf
Donate all your time and money to the abolition of the carceral state

------
cactus22
Would probably pursue religion/spirituality at this point, but you are older
than I am so I'm not sure if my advice holds much credence

------
gsv2020
This quote from Pascal might apply here. He said "There is a God-shaped vacuum
in the heart of each man which cannot be satisfied by any created thing but
only by God the Creator, made known through Jesus Christ."

