
A researcher on how to live a happy life - neoplatonian
http://www.ox.ac.uk/research/research-in-conversation/how-live-happy-life/michael-plant
======
WhompingWindows
For me, I have become happier in the moment via insight meditation, which
focuses on noticing thoughts and feelings without action or reaction.

Part of the wisdom of meditation lies in the following: There is baggage we
all carry, the self, this belief we're the center of it all, the author of
(and subservient to) our own thoughts. How do I stop doing what makes me
unhappy, if that's "who I am"? But, in reality, I can abandon "who I am" and
find new processes of living and new ways of thinking about the world.

In practice, this resetting of your mind is achieved without training by
various psychdelic drugs, which peel back the layers of the onion in an
effortless fashion. In meditation, you train your mind to actually pay close
attention, eventually achieving an effortless open-ness that drugs achieve
very simply. Once you're good at following your breath, you can turn to
thoughts and feelings, recognizing them as mere arisings in consciousness.

Mere arisings in the mind do not require response: there's no need to act upon
our desires, urges, distraction, and regular patterns, they are just
heuristics or mental shortcuts the brain uses over and over to save
time/effort of decision making. Do we have to respond to all our noticing
sounds, light, smells? If not, why do we have to respond to negative thoughts?

Negative thoughts may become crystallized into negative actions. However, if
you know what behaviors of your own contribute to unhappiness, you can always
pause for 10-15 seconds, meditate briefly, drawing upon your training of the
brain's meditative ability, and you will notice the actual feeling of the urge
to behave, and not act upon it. It will disappear like very other appearance
in consciousness.

~~~
saltedonion
Very insightful. Please share more.

I’ve been taking up meditation and bubiddism but still very much a novice. I
find that as you open your mind and see through more things, in a way things
gets less interesting. It’s that feeling that you’ve seen this movie before.
Maybe this is normal for older people but I’m in my 20s and it feels very odd.

How do you deal with that and not feel like a zombie.

~~~
hugey010
It's often referred to as mindfulness, and it falls under cognitive behavioral
therapy. I've had trouble finding useful links, so I'll repeat the practical
info I was taught.

Pretend your active focus or attention is like a fishing line. Pick a single
thing, usually a physical object like a tree, and "cast" your focus onto that.
Focus on specific parts of the tree, the bark, leaves, how the wind moves
through it, how it makes you feel, etc. This will cause your attention to
wander. Being aware that this is happening is crucial. "Reel" your attention
back in and focus on just the tree again. Repeat this for roughly 15 minutes,
at least once per day. If you can only manage 5 minutes at first, that's still
a great start.

You are effectively training your brain to be aware of it's own attention. The
idea is not to prevent wandering or emotions, but to be mindful of how those
thoughts got there, and what you are thinking and feeling. In essence, how
could you possibly control your thoughts if you aren't even aware of them?

Your zombie comment was something I was worried about at first. Spoiler:
you're still free to act on those emotions or thoughts, but now with undivided
attention!

~~~
mettamage
Mindfulness is not CBT, it has been integrated into it. CBT normally works in
the thought, emotional or behavioral level.

Mindfulness reconditions the subconscious conditioned level in which thoughts
and emotions lead to automatic behavior (i.e. conditioned behavior).

It’s subconscious because most people aren’t aware of how they are being swept
away by thoughts and emotions. The reconditioning happens by training your
awareness through breathing meditation, body-scan meditation (IMO better name
than mindfulness/vipassana) and other meditations. Now you’re more aware which
is how you’re reconditioned and with that you can decide to not act on your
old habits.

CBT is a thing from psychology. Meditation is taken by psychologists from
Buddhism and integrated into it. But IMO it doesn’t follow the philosophy of
CBT. So to say it us CBT or falls under it ignores what it really is: a
technique from religions such as Buddhism, Hinduism and Jainism.

Search Inside Yourself is a good book to read more about it from or positive
psychology from Harvard (2006, taught by Tal Ben Shahar, it’s on YouTube).

------
lordleft
Some overlap with Stoicism here. From the Enchiridion of Epictetus:

1\. Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are
opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own
actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command,
and, in one word, whatever are not our own actions.

The things in our control are by nature free, unrestrained, unhindered; but
those not in our control are weak, slavish, restrained, belonging to others.
Remember, then, that if you suppose that things which are slavish by nature
are also free, and that what belongs to others is your own, then you will be
hindered. You will lament, you will be disturbed, and you will find fault both
with gods and men. But if you suppose that only to be your own which is your
own, and what belongs to others such as it really is, then no one will ever
compel you or restrain you. Further, you will find fault with no one or accuse
no one. You will do nothing against your will. No one will hurt you, you will
have no enemies, and you not be harmed.

~~~
dr_dshiv
Here are some of my favorite Epictetus quotes:

 _Chapter 8_ Don’t hope that events will turn out the way you want, welcome
events in whatever way they happen: this is the path to peace.

 _Chapter 9_ Sickness is a problem for the body, not the mind -- unless the
mind decides that it is a problem. Lameness, too, is the body’s problem, not
the mind’s. Say this to yourself whatever the circumstance and you will find
without fail that the problem pertains to something else, not to you.

 _Chapter 10_ For every challenge, remember the resources you have within you
to cope with it. Provoked by the sight of a handsome man or a beautiful woman,
you will discover within you the contrary power of self-restraint. Faced with
pain, you will discover the power of endurance. If you are insulted, you will
discover patience. In time, you will grow to be confident that there is not a
single impression that you will not have the moral means to tolerate.

 _Chapter 14_ You are a fool to want your children, wife or friends to be
immortal; it calls for powers beyond you, and gifts not yours to either own or
give. You can, however, avoid meeting with disappointment in your desires;
focus on this, then, since it is the scope of your capacities. We are at the
mercy of whoever wields authority over the things we desire or detest. If you
would be free, then, do not wish to have, or avoid things that other people
control, because then you must serve as their slave.

~~~
ErikVandeWater
A lot of philosophy and "wisdom" is in telling people what they should do and
probably already try to do without giving them the tools to do it.

A wise person realizes it is silly to tell someone "Don't hope that events
will turn out the way you want" without giving them real tools to address
their feelings.

~~~
maximente
that's fair, although i will say that people tend to complicate these things
to a ridiculous degree, coming up with a laundry list of reasons they can or
cannot make strides towards these goals.

------
hprotagonist
I have long regarded happiness in the same category as grace: it is an
undeserved and unasked for free gift. An epiphenomena that is not a
consequence of, but happens along with, other positive actions.

And for me that's living a less self-centered life.

I am happy when what I do with my life enriches the lives of others. But being
transactional about this ruins the game. It is, among other things, the
opposite of zero-sum. Do the thing for the exuberant joy of the thing itself,
don't take yourself too seriously or try to carry too much weight, and _act in
the trust that_ , but do not _demand as payment that_ this will lead to a
happier place.

~~~
asdfologist
This pretty much sums up Christian ethics.

~~~
I-M-S
Christian ethics is all about demanding a payment, ie. the promise that one's
good deeds will be rewarded in afterlife.

~~~
wolfhumble
No, we are all sinners, and Jesus paid the price for each one of us on the
cross:

"For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves;
it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast." [Ephesians 2,
8-9 NKJV]

"If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in
us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and
to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we
make Him a liar, and His word is not in us". [1 John 1, 8-10 NKJV]

~~~
Nition
Probably worth adding the famous John 3:16:

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that _whoever_
believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." (emphasis mine)

~~~
wolfhumble
Yes! That it is were it starts and continues in aeternum. :-)

------
hinkley
There's a bit of a trap here that I find myself standing in.

Parts of our culture are participatory. You get social benefits from going
through the same things as your peers. When you stop getting sucked into
things by your insecurities, you become non-participatory. You miss out on
chances to connect with other people. There is no bonding experience for you,
but there is for everybody else. It can be kind of alienating.

Imagine you are watching a new movie with people. 15 minutes in your think,
"Hey, this is a retelling of a story by [Shakespeare,Brontë]", or "Oh geeze,
the nerdy guy is the killer and everyone has dismissed him despite the
foreshadowing." You now know the story arc, and so the roller coaster ends for
you (unless the director is exceptional - Ron Howard, Apollo 13). Everyone
else is having a great time. You're still having a good time, but you're
paying more attention to the production values or the emotional range of one
of the actors. You aren't part of the same experience, and you are gonna have
a tough time participating in the conversation. Whatever you do, don't tell
them you knew what was going to happen all along, Mr Buzzkill.

There are plenty of idealogs who would insist this isn't a problem. Your need
to belong is just another hang-up you need to deal with. That you should let
go of that too. But I don't think many of those idealogs ended their lives
forgotten and alone because they never built a connection (or inter-
generational connection in particular) with other people.

~~~
sukilot
What's the problem? You can enjoy the movie and talk about the connections to
Bronte and the little clues the movie showed.

The problem seems to be less that literature is derivative, and more that the
viewer is looking for reasons to dismiss things instead of reasons to enjoy
them.

~~~
hinkley
If you have a simple, relatable problem, then you can illustrate it with
something that gets to the heart of the matter.

If you're trying to illustrate something esoteric, like black hole physics,
immunology, or Zen, you're going to have to come at it sideways, via analogy,
and possibly layered. Which may be part of our current, greater problem with
anti-intellectualism. People understand the analogy and think this has
prepared them to participate rather than appreciate.

So the problem with movies is that movies are the least of the problem.

------
dandanua
If you live in a very aggressive and malevolent environment that constantly
wants to break you and use you for its own needs it's important to follow
these rules:

1\. Don't forget to love. There is always something to love. This is the most
important thing. Enemies will try to make you hate (no matter what).

2\. Be happy. It may sound as a trivial advice, but to be actually happy it's
very helpful to consciously set your inner state as "happy". Despite all
negative aspects of the situation you are in.

3\. Be grateful. This is also helps a lot. There is always something more to
lose. Be grateful for what you have now.

4\. Dream! Dreams are the force that move us in our life. And the movement is
necessary.

5\. Live! Another trivial advice. But you can easily stuck under the burden
without noticing it.

6\. Try to fly over the problems, don't let them control your mind and
thoughts. Think of them as walls (well, sometimes you have to break through).

7\. Try to use long-term planning. Uncertainty is not a good thing for
happiness.

8\. Don't get sucked and destroyed by the temporary situation. There is always
sunrise after darkness. Remember it.

~~~
akinity
I can't agree with this list enthusiastically enough. Thank you.

------
asciimo
_So if you ask people if they’d be happier living in California or the
Midwest, most people say California. Actually the regions have comparable life
satisfaction, but people say California because they think of the weather and
fail to take account of other things, such as the fact that California is full
of tedious hippies._

The author does not cite research about about how "tedious hippies" make
people sad, nor demographic evidence that California is "full of" them.

~~~
tome
I think it might be a joke.

~~~
hugodutka
At first I thought that parent didn't understand the joke. Now I think I might
have not understood the meta-joke.

~~~
edeion
Yes, I think the parent is a /metajoke/ as you call it :) However, there are 3
threads around that miss the original author is poking fun there. I'd like to
stress the structure of these 3 paragraphs:

    
    
      The first is that, [serious things with a reference] they think of the weather and fail to take account of other things, such as the fact that California is full of tedious hippies.
      The second, [serious things with a reference] [after a breakup] we’ll decide we never liked the person anyway.
      The third [serious things with a reference]. In other words, last night’s party was never as good as you think it was.
    

Given my HN karma, I won't dare end this comment with an attempt at being
humorous. It would be akin to a HN suicide.

------
serniebanders
I can confidently say that I am happy. Everybody close to me thinks that I was
born happy and positive but they couldn't be more wrong. Achieving a permanent
state of happiness took years of active mental exercises. Since I don't have
any credible psychology background, nobody listens to my suggestions in real
life. I doubt anybody would take me seriously here as well, but... all I have
is time so this will help someone find their own path to happiness.

The first exercise I did in my pursuit of happiness was to understand what it
means to be a happy person.

1\. (At night) Would a happy person reach for the bottle of scotch? Why would
he?

2\. Knowing what I know about animal farming, would a happy person enjoy
eating meat as much as currently am?

3\. Would a happy person be as frustrated as I am with an under performing co-
worker?

Once I had an idea of what a happy 'me' would do, I started going down a
journey of self reflection. Why am I doing the things a happy me wouldn't do?

The whole journey helps me gain a higher resolution into my feelings and once
my mind and my feelings are aligned, the negative feelings went away. My
ability to empathize (initially I did not even know what that was) was no
longer suppressed. Nowadays, negative feelings are rare, but every negative
feeling and pain I feel is an opportunity to align my feelings and my logic.

I believe this: You will never be happy following someone's else's happy path.

You will be happy once you find the courage to confront your demons, reflect,
and understand yourself better. Our minds does good job at hiding you from
finding these demons, so a big part of the journey is finding and identifying
them.

~~~
eeh
> Since I don't have any credible psychology background, nobody listens to my
> suggestions in real life.

The reason I prefer listening to researchers is because they study populations
and try to account for confounding variables.

I'm glad to hear you're happy, but I'm skeptical of how well you're able to
attribute that to particular circumstances/actions.

~~~
serniebanders
I understand. Purely anecdotal:

This is probably a very bad thing to admit, but it is true in my case. Once I
stopped listening to researchers and professionals, I started becoming truly
happy. I feel like I'm making my own decisions. Doing research and weighing
options leads to self doubt which leads me down a painful dilemma. Now I just
experiment and make my own decisions that feels right and it is very
empowering.

~~~
eeh
Anecdotally, I agree. :)

------
parsley27
I found it strange that there was not one mention of the ancient Stoics, who,
disregarding their non-materialist viewpoints, came up with much of this
philosophy. I'd argue they are a more accurate original source of these
viewpoints on mindfulness and contentment than the Epicureans.

~~~
oehtXRwMkIs
Stoic ethics is greatly underrated unfortunately. Despite being extremely
influential from Christian ethics to modern cognitive behavioral therapy, it's
relatively obscure. Everyone is familiar with it without knowing its source.

~~~
throw975
There is a picture of Epicurus or Marcus Aurelius with some pithy quote posted
daily on many social media channels. The idea that "stoicism" is obscure is
tenuous at best.

~~~
oehtXRwMkIs
Pretty weak evidence for something not being obscure. I'm willing to bet that
a survey would support my position that it's obscure. As for my weak evidence:
personally I don't know anyone that is familiar with stoic ethics, and even in
my university's philosophy department, it's basically only the one professor
who specializes in Hellenic philosophy that obviously is familiar with it.
Furthermore I have seen several CBT practicioners and none of them have heard
of it.

------
agumonkey
I don't agree with his analysis of modern happiness levels. It's yet another
biased quantitative analysis of various metrics that are decoupled from human
nature. Struggles, efforts, shorter lifespan is not a problem if your days are
filled with deeper emotions, less confusion, better balance timewise (slower
pace but more efficient labour).

A tiny instance to try to explain my above abstract: in 2020 you can have a
lot of tech, a cute office but still asked to archive a whole room on your
own. In other cultures this would have been organized differently in pair for
instance (you can see videos of people in asia building houses by juggling
bricks between another). This turns a 10h dreadful and lonely chore into a 3h
shared, almost pleasant, choreography. I believe how era is filled with false
modernity which are mostly absurd lack of good sense around human needs for
flow, teaming, etc

ps: critic aside, I find it lovely to see that people are "researching"
happiness, which is probably more important to 100% of the population than a
lot of "matieral" research being done right now

~~~
abhayhegde
Very insightful, please share more.

I agree upon what you are saying, and would love to know what active steps I
could take to fill my days with deeper feelings and make them meaningful.

As far as the article is concerned, I do concur with his analysis, especially
about mindfulness, and CBT. I have practiced mindfulness and it does keep me
stable, grounded, sharp and happy.

~~~
agumonkey
I have no real advice to be honest, just various experiences on how our modern
life is full of unnecessary drag and false solutions while living in a bare
place makes your days different.

Also I cannot avoid the immense amount of extremely low efficiency in most
organizations... there's nothing interesting in today's live for most people.
Just drag fit with shallow moments. I'd rather carry wood on a horse powered
carriage for 3 days. And for once I'm not exaggerating much.

------
qbit
Another perhaps more esoteric approach is pointed to by Ramana Maharshi (and
others) who encouraged people seeking happiness to inquire into "the one who
is unhappy". In other words, to ask oneself, "Who is it that is unhappy?" The
idea being that the independent entity that most of us take ourselves to be is
just a fictional story (an I-thought) with no real existence, and that it
comes about from an erroneous identification with thoughts. Once that is fully
realized, the problem of happiness is permanently solved because the
"I-thought", as he calls it, is the real root of the problem. In fact,
according to him, it's the root of all of our problems. ;-)

~~~
rusk
Oh for the luxury of an internal locus of self evaluation! Repositioning my
perspective on who I was - changing the goal posts of happiness as it were was
all so easy once upon a time and then I got married! I find this kind of
transcendental juggling a good bit harder now that it’s not just my own
happiness that needs to be accommodated ... anyone got any tips?

------
owenversteeg
As a very happy person, perhaps I can give some advice :)

One thing that's surprisingly powerful is changing your perspective or telling
yourself that you're happy. Similar to faking confidence, in a way: it starts
fake but eventually you'll be actually confident, and you won't need to fake
anything. Maybe the word "fake" isn't the right one here; I think a good
analogy is starting an engine - the first few turns of the engine are
artificial but what follows is quite real. As the article says, most of our
happiness level comes from our mind, and you control your mind. Thinking
something makes it true in many cases: research has shown that people get
convincingly drunk or high just from thinking they are (being given a
placebo.)

"Do more of what you like" is decent advice too, but it doesn't always align
with happiness. I like swimming, eating pizza, and going to thrift stores. But
I've tried, and doing more of those things didn't make me happier. I like
biking, traveling, and photography - doing more of those did make me happier!
And I don't like putting my phone away for a week, or doing chores that I put
off, but those things do make me happier. My advice would be to experiment,
and take notes.

Changing my lifestyle completely has also been good for me. It gives me time
to look back and see what I really thought about a three hour commute or an
unusual diet or unlimited data. Even things as mundane as new socks or a
better phone case have made a difference for me. And there are some
surprisingly big things I don't care about at all.

I think trying to improve your happiness in ways like these is generally good
for you, though I'd caution against making it into an obsession. Pretty much
everyone I've seen that's obsessed with a quest for happiness didn't seem very
happy. I think there's another piece of the puzzle - being able to just be
content - and for some that may be the hardest part of all.

~~~
JoeAltmaier
In that vein, every morning I look in the mirror and smile at myself. It gives
you a lift to see someone smile, no matter how forced. And its free. Never
mind it's you looking back - the response to a smile is built-in and works
anyway. For me.

------
baron_harkonnen
> Almost no one thinks about actively retraining the way they think. In fact,
> I don’t think this last idea even crosses most of our minds.

Really? I'm pretty sure there are thousands of years of philosophical and
religious traditions that teach something along the lines of "looking for
happiness in the external world is a bad idea, instead try working on
yourself".

I mean the four noble truths of Buddhism, a religion with roughly 0.5 billion
followers, are (paraphrased):

1\. There is suffering

2\. That suffering is caused by attachment to worldly things

3\. The way to get rid of that suffering is to work on not being attached to
those things

4\. The best way to work on not being attached to those things is, surprise
surprise, Buddhism.

But this idea seems pretty prevalent in pop-psychology as well. So I'm not
sure who the we in "our minds" is, but I think even most instagram celebrates
of realized that maybe "self work" is a good idea.

Unfortunately there are some philosophers that, in the last 300 years, have
started to question whether there is such a clear divide between the external
and internal world... but I don't expect most people to spend their time
reading a lot of philosophy.

~~~
agumonkey
suffering can be deeper, but that's also probably stepping into psychiatry
territory.. my point is you cannot reason or meditate everything away

~~~
programmertote
> you cannot reason or meditate everything away

100% agree. I was born a Buddhist and was a devout Buddhist until I was 13-14
years old (then I became an atheist). I went to monasteries for weeks on end
to meditate. But what I found was that meditation is not for me. I cannot get
rid of my recurring mental sufferings (anger, fear/anxiety, jealousy/envy,
self-/guilt) just by spending more and more time in meditation.

One thing that I found extremely useful is stoicism (at least in the way I
interpret it). I simply learned to accept that these bad feelings come and go,
and that is the nature of being a human. There's nothing wrong with having
such bad feelings, which I personally call as 'bad karma'. I just need to be
aware of them (which meditation supposedly helps detect, but I find myself
being able to do without meditating equally well) and be at peace with the
fact that they come and go in my life as a human.

What is in my control is how long I dwell on these moments of bad karma. For
that, I always try to get myself out of these bad-karmic situations by trying
to see things in a bigger picture or in longer term (e.g., 'Well, I am not
making as much money as I want to now, but that's okay because even if I don't
earn more than what I do now, I can still retire pretty comfortably by living
a minimalistic life. Alternatively, I just need to work maybe 2-3 more years
with the current income to save up to the level of savings at which I want to
retire. In the worst case scenario in which I get sick/disabled, I will just
learn to adapt as human beings and other living beings are observed to do in
adversity.') Trying to see things from such larger perspective makes me feel
pretty content and thus, releases me from a lot of anxiety issues.

~~~
pdimitar
What did you expect to find in meditation at 13-14 years old though? Hardly
any real conflict or hardship in anyone's life at that age.

Honest question, not looking to berate you.

~~~
travisjungroth
You and I had a very different 13-14.

~~~
pdimitar
Certainly. Question is, now that you are at your current age, don't you feel
that if you practice meditation now, it would you bring more benefits compared
to back then?

~~~
travisjungroth
That seems like a very different question than the point of the comment that I
replied to. In my short reply, I made it about you and me, but my point was
that lots of kids have real "conflict or hardship". If I told you about the
stuff that was going on in my house at that age and replaced "family" with
"roommates" and "school" with "work", you'd probably think of it as pretty
rough. My life is _much_ easier now at 31.

But enough about me. About 1 in 7 US children are food insecure [1] and will
go hungry at some point this year. One in 9 girls and 1 in 53 boys under the
age of 18 experience sexual abuse or assault at the hands of an adult.[2]
There is a lot of pain experienced by the world, and there's no age cutoff.

[1]
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hunger_in_the_United_States#Ch...](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hunger_in_the_United_States#Children)
[2]David Finkelhor, Anne Shattuck, Heather A. Turner, & Sherry L. Hamby, The
Lifetime Prevalence of Child Sexual Abuse and Sexual Assault Assessed in Late
Adolescence, 55 Journal of Adolescent Health 329, 329-333 (2014)

------
yandrypozo
Happiness comes when you realize that's impossible to be happy all the time
and that's fine.

~~~
JoeAltmaier
"In all my life, there have been maybe 10 minutes of real happiness"

"Makes it all the more valuable, doesn't it?"

------
mlthoughts2018
I think advice like this is unfortunately just bullshit. It’s similar to cases
of treating depression with drugs when most major depression is actually just
a biological response to real, actual sadness and external events.

See for example: [https://grasshoppermouse.github.io/2018/12/16/seven-
reasons-...](https://grasshoppermouse.github.io/2018/12/16/seven-reasons-why-
major-depression-is-probably-not-a-brain-disorder/)

Of course there can be many reasons for depression or unhappiness. Some people
sincerely can benefit from medication. Sometimes therapy is the right option.

But quite obviously the biggest factor is going to be circumstances. Happiness
_should be_ a response to circumstances and improvement. It represents
increased utility and benefit for you as a person and _obviously_ the biggest
part of that is your circumstances, physical, material, getting needs met,
having resources and opportunities.

Some part of this can be about contentment or “zen” mental clarity or
whatever, but clearly not the majority, or even a large minority.

I feel advice like this is meant to placate people and make them docile and
capitulated to their circumstances and borderline lobotomize away their drive
for things to be better by trying to change happiness from a fact of
circumstances to an “attitude adjustment” - which is awful, no matter what
positive spin you want to put on it.

------
nikivi
Once was depressed in university so wrote this on happiness. Helps me to look
back on. One 'good' thing about depression is it gives you a reference point
of how bad it can get.

Sadly what solved the depression for me was an external event (getting out of
uni and getting a job).

[https://wiki.nikitavoloboev.xyz/life/happiness](https://wiki.nikitavoloboev.xyz/life/happiness)

~~~
foobiekr
Why is that sad? Situational depression is the best of many bad options as
it’s the case where a badly needed change can actually have outsized impact.

~~~
nikivi
By sad I meant that the solution was mostly out of my control. Pure chance
that it happened.

~~~
darkerside
> mostly out of my control

Seems like it would be totally in your control to leave school and start
working. Remember that for next time you find yourself "trapped".

------
heavyset_go
My happiness comes from making others happy, and surrounding myself with
similarly minded people, and removing malignant people, places and situations
from my life.

There isn't enough time to waste it on shitty people or environments, and
making active choices towards that end has improved my quality of life even
when going through difficult times emotionally, physically and financially.

~~~
spicyramen
This is a good way of thinking kudos

------
jkingsbery
>Almost no one thinks about actively retraining the way they think. In fact, I
don’t think this last one even crosses most of our minds.

"Retraining the way we think" has come up in (almost) every homily I've heard
in Catholic masses. Many of us, besides thinking about it whenever we happen
to think about it, make sure we do this every week (if not more).

------
vntx
Long commutes are indeed the bane of my existence. One can never feel more
helpless and outraged while stuck in heavy traffic.

Ironically, this pandemic has made me much happier as I don't have to drive
everywhere. I finally have more time to think and pursue my curiosities
instead of burning gas and yelling expletives. It's quite refreshing.

~~~
jmchuster
I actually have found long (low traffic) commutes to be quite nice for just
spacing out and thinking. It's a block of time at the beginning of each day
and then at the end of each work day that forces you to ignore the
distractions of the world and just leaves you by yourself.

~~~
cylinder
Not possible for me. The behaviour of others around me on the train stresses
me out immensely, especially sneezing and coughing (and that was pre-COVID),
listening to music or phone calls on speakerphone on crowded trains, stupid
conversations, etc.

Further my time is valuable, not in a monetary sense, but when you have a
child at home, every minute away counts and there is no value to spending 90
minutes a day on a train.

------
at_a_remove
Over the many, many years, I have thrashed around with ... well, almost every
suggestion that usually comes up on these articles and threads responding to
these articles, as well as many unorthodox ideas. The pills and the preaching,
the assorted practices recommended and the acting, going through the motions
of joy hoping something will catch, the focuses outside oneself cast like
grappling hooks onto any ship not sinking, the licensed and the masters'
teachings, these have all disappointed me in the end. After failure upon
failure, I have come to the conclusion that for some, the needle is not moved
much at all upward, despite struggles and inventiveness, and so I have sided
with Blake: some are born to endless night.

~~~
javert
Hey there. Not sure if you will see this since I'm late to the conversation,
but here's a suggestion.

Just do what you want.

If you don't want to do anything, keep trying/looking for things. (Don't force
yourself to 'enjoy' something. If you don't want to keep doing it after just a
little while, it's not the solution, so stop.)

For me, it was video games. I loathed people who play video games. But for me,
it was a starting point to start enjoying life again.

You have to start simple. More complex values come later, from having a simple
foundation of simple values.

I don't want to trivialize your problems, but I just though I would share this
since "Do what you want" is not advice I really ever see, so maybe you haven't
tried it yet.

~~~
at_a_remove
This is one of the more frequent responses. It's in the "if nothing matters,
then it doesn't matter what you do" group. Typically travel is suggested.

That would be interesting: a taxonomy of common responses to ongoing despair.

~~~
javert
> if nothing matters, then it doesn't matter what you do

That is carrying an enormous amount of baggage that isn't in my suggestion.

Things do matter, and it does matter what you do. To say otherwise is both
incorrect and too pessimistic about the human situation.

But, doing what you want is what makes anything matter. It's the solution to
the "problem of meaning."

Most people just live their lives, getting barely enough of what they want to
not become depressed and dysfunctional, but never actually figuring this out.

What you want is ultimately based in biology. A hungry person wants food; a
thirsty person wants water. Of course, you are at a slightly higher level. But
you have to look at your own desires to see what, specifically, you want. I
would consider this to be a kind of hedonism (in the very technical sense of
the term, without any other connotations, such moral looseness or depravity).
I'm a long-term hedonist.

I wouldn't suggest anything specific for you (e.g. travel), because I don't
know what you want to do. Travel definitely wouldn't suffice, for me. Like I
said, for me, it is and was video games. I expect to move beyond that and want
to achieve something more complex, eventually. I can feel that coming.

Also, yes, a taxonomy of common responses to despair would be interesting.
Probably not helpful, but interesting.

------
bryanlarsen
And perhaps that's entirely the wrong thing to be optimized. Google "happiness
vs satisfaction". Happiness is a short term emotion, satisfaction is a long
term one.

A good example is having kids; kids decreases happiness but increases
satisfaction.

------
noisy_boy
My thinking on this is that unhappiness is broadly classified as "what will
happen" (WWH). What will happen if I can't pay rent, what will happen to my
kids if I die, what will happen if I can't make the deadlines and so on. Its a
thousand of these that we deal with every second - some are trivial for us and
we can manage them. Some are significant for us and they cause unhappiness.
Some are recurring, some are one-time (but can have large impact). I don't
have a solution - just speaking from personal feelings about this.

------
rzzzt
Has anyone participated in the testing of the mobile app mentioned at around
the 75% mark of the article? One reference they have on the landing page is
describing the Experience-Sampling Method [1] - there seem to be a few
existing applications that allow one to track how exactly they felt in a
quantified manner at a point in time.

[1]
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Experience_sampling_method](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Experience_sampling_method)

------
neoplatonian
I've realised the simple things: good diet, restful sleep, ample sunlight, a
little exercise, and nourishing friends make a TON of difference, more than
any of the things listed.

~~~
menybuvico
This.

I also noticed quite a bump up when I actively decided to try to not be a
cynical asshole _all_ the time. Meditation, on the other hand, never did it
for me.

But hey, as long as it works. :)

------
city41
The article seems to touch upon Acceptance and Commitment Therapy [1] without
explicitly calling it out. It is based on mindfulness and accepting things as
they are. I personally have found it very effective.

[1] [https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-
types/acceptance-...](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-
types/acceptance-and-commitment-therapy)

------
bobthechef
Aristotle and Aquinas are indispensible (though you might want to begin with
commentaries or approachable introductions, like Feser's). Contrary to the
liberal tradition, "freedom" is understood as self-mastery not uninhibited
indulgence of the passions which leads to misery (hence the Augustinian
observation that man has as many masters as he has vices). Aquinas also
distinguishes beatitudo from felicitas. You also have the virtues. Happiness
is ultimately teleological.

Look to the ancients and medievals that we so eagerly forget and dismiss
because we think we've unquestionably outdone them. Be careful, though,
because your fallacious presuppositions may get in the way. They did for me,
but with time, those vicious usurpers, that bad metaphysics, that poor
substitute for properly understood science, has given way to a sounder picture
of things dislodged from the tyrannical grip of error.

All that is to say that you should not be surprised if you find yourself
reacting with incredulity until you begin to realize how unfounded and even
incoherent it is. Give it time.

------
XCSme
For me currently happiness is just the balance between feeding my "lizard
brain" (instincts, cravings, laziness) and my rational brain (being
productive, working, planning for the future). Whenever I go one way too far,
I start feeling either depressed (procrastinating too much) or
exhausted/burned out (working too much).

------
TwistedWave
Very relevant on this topic, I loved Daniel Gilbert's book, Stumbling on
Happiness.

[https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/56627.Stumbling_on_Happi...](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/56627.Stumbling_on_Happiness)

------
jcims
I can't read the article right now but love this take from Joscha Bach on Lex
Fridman's podcast -
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mixT5_U0hk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mixT5_U0hk)

------
oh_sigh
I have concerns about following advice people write about how to be happy. Why
are they doing it? Is it because they are happy, and they want to spread it?
If so, is it like a rich person writing on how to become rich? Maybe they tell
you X,Y,Z that they think were important in becoming rich, but it was actually
A,B,C that they were blind to.

The worse alternative is if it is someone who was unhappy, and then did
something to get happy, and now they want to share that thing. Maybe it is
just a stop gap measure? I see this as examples in, say, youth pastors who are
preaching the word, and then commit suicide and it turns out they were
struggling with far more than they ever let on.

~~~
javert
This is why any argument anybody makes about anything needs to be supported by
a causal explanation.

If there is at least an attempt at a causal explanation, you can evaluate
whether or not the advice is worthwhile and/or applicable to your situation.

------
pdimitar
> _Almost no one thinks about actively retraining the way they think. In fact,
> I don’t think this last one even crosses most of our minds._

This is so, _so_ false that it makes the rest of the article hard to take
seriously.

A _ton_ of people thought about these things. Some thousands of years ago, and
wrote quite interesting books about it (like a good amount of Buddhist
treatises but definitely not only).

A lot of modern people think of that too, problem is that junk food / bad
workplaces / tensions in the family / lack of good sleep etc. all change your
brain chemistry so that it's very hard for you to look for the problems inward
and try and start a change from within.

I don't have proof for this; but I've spoken with therapists and psychologists
and they often admit that the pills that some patients want to take literally
change the brain chemistry. And dietitians and personal gym trainers tell me
that the right food and the right workout routine change your body's
composition, hence the brain's as well.

So an article that starts with such a sensationalistic and untrue premise is
kind of dubious.

A lot of people think about what the author says they don't. But many don't
know where to begin for most (or all) of their lives. That's a modern tragedy
we all have to fix: to educate people on mental health, how to avoid the worst
kinds of stress, how to deescalate properly, how to give the benefit of the
doubt, how to eat what's good for you and avoid the rest, how and what to
workout, and many many others.

~~~
throw975
So an article that gives reason and background as to "why one should retrain
the way they think" is instantly disqualified because of a singular sentence
that is perhaps a bit hyperbolic? Ah, the literal mind!

~~~
pdimitar
You are not wrong in general. But we are all fairly busy around here, I
imagine (at least I am). I'd like an article to win me over in the first
paragraph.

First impression matters. Call it literal if you will, but to me it's rather a
bad first impression.

------
tebura
Must watch Experiments on Happiness -
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EnPHxXKtpk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EnPHxXKtpk)

~~~
connectsnk
Wow. Long video but it was worth every minute.

------
RcouF1uZ4gsC
And yet there are whole industries devoted to making us unhappy in the hope
that we will then consume more of their product. The beauty industry wants to
make us unhappy with our appearance. The self-help industry, wants to make us
unhappy with our lives in general. Social media wants us to be outraged and
thus more engaged. Advertising in general is built around keeping us from
being happy so we will buy more stuff.

We should be aware of that and be very careful about the media we consume.

------
starpilot
The article is nothing new and just the standard "happiness comes from within"
tropes. Whether you believe that or not, this is a very standard view on the
subject.

------
netman21
For me the secret to happiness is to produce things. Or said another way: be
productive. Make something. If you have a job where you make things you are
good to go. Homes, cars, ships (in my case in my youth). If you sit at a desk
all day processioning forms or work in a call center, find something to
produce in your off hours, often called a hobby, but it could be a side gig.
Write some code, write a book, paint a mural, whatever.

------
muro
One approach I consistently found to work well is to remove things that don't
make me happy. It has a bigger longer term effect than doing|buying more.

------
closeparen
How to be sad? Convince yourself that your fundamental human needs are not
okay, that they only affect you because you are not strong or virtuous enough.

------
barrkel
My own thoughts on this, not really a contradiction of the article:
[http://blog.barrkel.com/2005/10/how-to-be-
happy.html](http://blog.barrkel.com/2005/10/how-to-be-happy.html)

The point about writing down to help memory is good. Though I wonder if
forgetfulness of bad times isn't part of hedonic adaptation.

------
markus_zhang
For me the happiest moment is when I'm able to fully utilize my ability to
solve a difficult technical problem.

------
joshribakoff
> Actually the regions have comparable life satisfaction, but people say
> California because they think of the weather and fail to take account of
> other things, such as the fact that California is full of tedious hippies.

Didn't read past this. There's a way to get your point across & this is not
it.

------
zelienople
Happiness is overrated; find something you like doing and do it. A job, a
hobby, a pursuit--in short, an avocation.

The greatest horror for me would be to not be interested in anything. So many
people seem to have this affliction. That is what I would call unhappiness: to
be interested in nothing in particular.

~~~
cylinder
Right people always bring up that quote "nobody on their deathbed wished they
worked more." But how many people on their deathbed regret a life passed in
mediocrity, without at least attempting to master or excel at something; maybe
some do wish they worked harder so they could have provided more for their
children, etc.

------
every
I'll settle for being content...

------
frequentnapper
Personally, what's helped me is watching Rick & Morty, and it finally hitting
home that none of our lives mean anything in the grandest scheme of things, if
there is such a thing. So we are free to live as we want. Nobody can judge us
except ourselves.

------
xkr
There is an amazing course on happiness from Yale:
[https://www.coursera.org/learn/the-science-of-well-
being](https://www.coursera.org/learn/the-science-of-well-being)

~~~
Oneiros512
The podcast presented by the professor of that course is also excellent. It's
called The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos.

------
rantwasp
happiness should not be a goal. the way evolution has wired us, we will work
for a long time to achieve something that we think is going to make us happy
only to move to the next thing after only experiencing a glimpse of happiness.

you have a choice to mindlessly chase what you think is going to make you
happy or simply enjoying your current life situation by totally accepting it.
you don’t need anything besides basic things to make you happy. happy is your
natural state and we inflict pain and suffering upon us continually. stop
doing it - break the cycle.

------
flattone
I often inquire 'why is happiness the thing we choose to focus on'

~~~
AtHeartEngineer
I do too; I've had this conversation a few times. Happiness isn't my highest
priority, it's up there, but there's a lot of trade temporary happiness for,
such as health or sanity.

------
russellbeattie
All other things being equal, happiness is 100% chemical.

Either you're naturally happy, or you're not. Additional chemicals (natural or
artificial) can help adjust the dopamine, seratonin and norepinephrine levels
that we sense as pleasure for a short time, but that's not happiness.

You can be an unhappy rich person, a poor happy one. You can be a happy
paraplegic, or an unhappy Olympic level athlete. You can be happy while in
prison, or unhappy while free. You can be happy in chronic pain and happy
under intense stress. Or the opposite. Hell could be lonliness, or hell could
be other people. It's 100% individual.

Accepting your natural state resets the bar, and lets you live peacefully.
Everything else is just trying to be something you're not.

~~~
TomSwirly
You're making a lot of very strong and unsupported statements.

> Accepting your natural state resets the bar, and lets you live peacefully.

"Just accept... that you will always be miserable... and you can live
peacefully."

------
collyw
> Almost no one thinks about actively retraining the way they think.

A very western perspective. Vipassana meditation practices are essentially
doing that, and I am sure lots of meditation types as well.

------
trianglem
Being happy is not complicated. There is no purpose or meaning. Nothing
matters on a long enough scale. Live completely in the moment with only
select, fundamental long term goals in mind.

------
jokoon
happiness is a vague concept

as long as you're not depressed, you're fine

------
asdfman123
> 'If you look at what people actually do to be happier, it seems nearly
> everyone tries to change the external facts: we try to become richer,
> thinner, more successful, to find a better house in a nicer area, and so on.
> A few of us think about trying to spend less time working, and more time on
> hobbies or with friends and family. Almost no one thinks about actively
> retraining the way they think. In fact, I don’t think this last idea even
> crosses most of our minds.'

You might be new to this because you've just started your PhD, but that
doesn't mean everyone else is too.

------
rainyMammoth
To me happiness always comes out from hard challenges. Pushing myself to
achieve something that I thought was previously impossible

------
godisdad
I think the material conditions of one’s existence are relevant to happiness.
A lot of articles like this, minimalism, tiny houses and living with nothing
strike me as boomer media controlled justifications for austerity. Gas
lighting a whole generation of people to settle for less because “things”
don’t matter, money doesn’t matter and what really matters is living in a tire
shed telling yourself that everything is OK.

Also:

> Actually the regions have comparable life satisfaction, but people say
> California because they think of the weather and fail to take account of
> other things, such as the fact that California is full of tedious hippies.

I can’t eyeroll this enough

~~~
perl4ever
>Gas lighting a whole generation of people to settle for less because “things”
don’t matter, money doesn’t matter and what really matters is living in a tire
shed telling yourself that everything is OK.

Other people telling you what you should want is obnoxious. But I take it as
axiomatic that whenever someone is doing that sort of thing, they're really
debating themselves. Every debatable assertion is the outward expression of
inward uncertainty. It's healthy to accept that.

If someone is telling you things don't matter, then they are trying to
convince themselves. And if it makes you angry, then you are trying to
convince yourself they do matter. You can just say "maybe, maybe not" and
possibly consider experimenting to find out. Get things, give them up. It's
inevitable that in life, first you get things and then you give them up,
anyway.

------
sharadov
Entire books and philosophies talk about "retraining the way you think". Not
sure, if the author was hiding under a rock, dropped some acid and came with
this earth-shattering realization. But ahem, he supposedly has a PHD, so he
can get away with it. Most happy people are happy because they have gratitude
for the daily things, they don't let negative emotions pull them down and just
look at the world with a "glass half-full" view.

------
abiro
“Virtue is facing the fact of what _is_ and the facing of the fact is a state
of bliss.” - J. Krishnamurti

------
winrid
I suggest having purpose. Have responsibility, as many find meaning in that.

Good sex helps.

Why does being happy have to be complicated? :)

------
justdep
I'm unhappy and yet too lazy to read this. Oh the existential quandary!

~~~
Tempest1981
Prerequisite: techniques for motivation

------
littlecosmic
It’s weird that this webpage doesn’t have a scroll bar on my iPhone.

------
hsitz
A lot of the points in the article coincide with ideas from the blogger Mr.
Money Mustache, who frequently reminds that overcoming hardships is a primary
source of satisfaction in life. One example is his piece on the desire for
luxury as a weakness, which we should reprogram ourselves to get rid of:
[https://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2013/08/29/luxury-is-just-
an...](https://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2013/08/29/luxury-is-just-another-
weakness/)

------
peace111
if happy depends on effort when unable to make effort then cannot be happy

if learnt to be happy without effort then happy always as it does not depend
on any effort or outside influence.. final eternal happiness...

------
Giorgi
mindfullness sounds like new bullshit buzzword that does not mean anything.

~~~
slothtrop
Depending on who you ask it will yield a different definition so in that
sense, there's some BS baggage, but it's not to say it can't be useful.

------
pmoriarty
_Happiness is not an ideal. Happiness is tepid water on the tongue._ \--
Holderlin

 _Man does not desire happiness. Only the Englishman does._ \-- Nietzsche

~~~
discreteevent
In haven't read Nietzsche, but any time I read a quote of his, it always seems
to appeal to the most power hungry part of my ego.

~~~
marcosdumay
I have read some of it, but my take-away from everything changed completely
once I saw somebody claiming he was being sarcastic.

And the thing is, I'm almost convinced he wasn't. But it still changed how I
read it.

------
raxxorrax
I think these are bad tips to be honest. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy -
really?

People in countries where psychotherapy is not as prevalent as in the US
aren't necessarily unhappier I think.

Some occupations have earned their bad reputation. My opinion. I am not happy
with it, but generally quite happy I believe. I don't feel too happy about
changing my prejudice towards this field.

Appreciation of what you have is a form of self reflection. Would be good for
the occupation to be honest. Suggestion of this form are also often used as a
form of psychological abuse. Also a field where this occupations excels in.

~~~
phnofive
I’d encourage you to reconsider the article in context of the fact that CBT
can be self-taught with no books or sessions - all of this advice is free, and
each tip works independently of the others.

I do agree that open-ended talk therapy seems like a waste of time.

~~~
Jtsummers
Open-ended talk therapy is like rubber duck debugging. Sometimes you need an
expressive outlet that you can't, for various reasons, find elsewhere. And
often a confidant (which a therapist can be) is what you need. Lacking a
confidant in normal-life or having issues you feel you can't take to that
person, a therapist is a decent alternative.

~~~
phnofive
Sorry, I was vague on that term. By open-ended, I meant recurring and without
a goal; maybe there’s a better descriptive term for it.

~~~
Jtsummers
That's also what I meant. I just moved this year, leaving a lot of friends
behind (I'd lived there for 10 years, longest I'd lived anywhere, next longest
was 5 years when I was in elementary school). I bought a house, which added a
lot of financial stress to my life (ate into savings, in 10 years I'll be
better off, but now it's tough). I got into a job that was going to be better,
but because someone quit I got saddled with crap work that I'm not effective
it _especially_ teleworking (I need to observe how people are working to do
what they want me to do, and I literally can't right now). And with social
isolation in place, my wife and I cannot effectively make new friends and
develop new social outlets. From my own experiences in the past: high stress
-> general anxiety -> depression -> very bad thoughts. So I sought out a
counselor with no specific objective beyond needing to talk, and to relearn
some CBT things that I did learn and exercise years ago. But the primary
benefit has been the outlet, I'll probably stop having sessions in a few more
weeks as I've finally pinpointed a few specific stressors and been able to
focus on resolving them, but the outlet was key to realizing what they were.

