
Ask HN: How did you come to grips with your own mediocrity? - sadamznintern
I’ve been trying to come to grips with how mediocre I am recently after seeing many former coworkers go on to better pay and more prestige - have any of you come to peace with it? The only thing it has lead me so far is crippling depression and insomnia.
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technobabble
First, realize you're comparing yourself to other people. I do it too, most
people do it at some point. You are not alone. Sh _t like this takes time. No
one is immune to feelings of inadequacy, just look at the recent suicides of
Kate Spade and other people we deem successful.

1\. Comparing yourself to other people is a losers game. You will _always*
find someone else who is smarter/wealthier/beautiful than you, and on the
other end you will always find someone who is worse off than you. You are
enough.

2\. Practice compassion. I keep a "good things" jar on my desk. When something
good happens, I write it on a post-it note and put it in the jar.

3\. Track what matters in your life. What matters to me, and what probably
matters to you, is maintaing health and learning a little each day. Break out
a spreadsheet and learn how to be observant to your body. I recommend
[https://www.trackinghappiness.com/](https://www.trackinghappiness.com/) as a
start (I am not affiliated with the site).

4\. As previous commenters mentioned, like-it-or-not luck plays a large play
in life. However, that doesn't mean you can prepare yourself for when luck or
opportunities arise. Based on your handle, you got an internship at Amazon.
That didn't happen out of the blue. You had to network, practice coding, and
build your skills to get it.

This is a hard thing. Don't be like me and beat yourself up over it because a
complete 180 hasn't happened this week. Giving yourself time, combined with
discipline, can lead you to the next step. I don't know what that next step
is, but go find it.

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AnimalMuppet
A bunch of thoughts:

Reading through your comments here, I see that you're 22 and an intern at
Amazon. Well, at 22 I still didn't have a job, not even as an intern. You're
comparing yourself to people who have full-time jobs and feeling like you're
not making much money. At 22, I was making $0.

You're probably looking at people around you and thinking that they know more
than you. That's how it goes as an intern. You're not supposed to know more
than them. You're supposed to be learning faster than them. (The rate at which
they are learning _new_ things is probably not that high.)

You're looking at other peoples' pay, and feeling inadequate. But that's
because you're looking _only at the people above you_. And you'll _never_ make
yourself happy by focusing on what you don't have.

Most (all?) of us are mediocre at most things. But all it takes is finding one
thing that you're not mediocre at. That may not be programming (at 22, it's
far too early to tell). If it's not programming, it's not. Go find what it is.
(But be sure it's not programming before you go looking for something else.)

dynamicdox recommended rock climbing. I might suggest ultimate frisbee. The
read-and-react style of play is a nice change of pace from the normal style of
programming.

konradb said that you're mistaking your own voice for reality. That may well
be true. If so, you need to talk to yourself more and listen to yourself less
(if that makes sense).

~~~
sadamznintern
I actually just started full time 2 weeks ago. I interned there last summer.

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ak39
They were lucky. You were not. That's it. How can you blame yourself for that?

It's most likely NOT about whether you were mediocre talent wise or about
dedication and work ethic. Many people do not appreciate the role of blind and
dumb luck behind success. I kid you not. It ain't all a meritocracy out there.

Take it easy with the sleep disruption. I can vouch for the vicious cycle of
nasty shyte insomnia can create. If you have a gym subscription, get some HIIT
exercises like a prowler sled push and start lifting weights. Keep away from
alcohol and any coping drugs you may be taking. Look after yourself!

Time to reboot. :-)

~~~
sadamznintern
I don't drink or anything outside of prescribed SSRIs.

Honestly though, I think luck is a big factor but I think its impossible to be
this unlucky this many times. At some point it's gotta be something inherent.

I've never heard of the prowler sled push. I'm going to need to try that. I
also need to start lifting once my apartment reopens the gym.

------
bufferoverflow
There's always someone better/smarter/faster/more successful than any given
person. Just stop caring. Concentrate on one or two areas, become really
really good at them, and start doubling your prices till you hit the ceiling.

~~~
sadamznintern
>There's always someone better/smarter/faster/more successful than any given
person

The problem for me is this is literally everyone that matters

>Concentrate on one or two areas, become really really good at them

This is difficult as someone working on front-end for internal tools that 5
people will use

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evervevdww221
I cut off my social networks (Facebook ...) because of this. Am I a coward?
I'm still trying to improve my situation, but I too have insomnia because of
stress and anxiety, I can't focus because of them.

~~~
here-for-karma
I also renounced Facebook, Twitter, etc. (for reasons different than yours,
though) and I don't regret it one bit.

Now I spend my time learning new things instead of scrolling for hours through
a repetitive feed of clickbait and people just looking for attention

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OrwellianChild
Taking your "Sad Amazon Intern" handle at face value, do NOT use the
experience of peers at Amazon as a benchmark for success in life, career, or
anything else. It is a very intense place with a very particular definition of
"success". Shop around for other companies to work for, big and small. You may
just find that you can make a larger impact, get more visibility, and feel
more rewarded working for someone else.

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Pamar
Do you have any hobby which you find rewarding in itself?

(Note that I am not saying "find something outside your job where you can
excel" \- I mean "try to find something you like doing for the pleasure of it
an see if it helps you finding some satisfaction in doing it, without any
competitive aspect".

~~~
sadamznintern
I honestly don’t - I used to spend time playing online games with friends but
I’ve mostly stopped recently. It turns out I’m bad at them too.

I tried learning to play an instrument but gave up. I might pick it up again
but I haven’t found the time.

The sad thing is I feel like I need an interesting hobby or interests like the
folks that went to top schools and work at top companies but I can’t think of
anything or do anything well.

~~~
dynamicdox
If there is a gym close to you, I recommend rock climbing if you are looking
for something both mentally and physically stimulating. It’s like solving a
puzzle (figuring out how to do the climb) and then executing by having the
strength and technique to do it. It’s an absolute blast. Been doing it for a
couple years and it brings me a lot of happiness. Plus the community is so
open and welcoming! Slowly all my friends have become people I’ve met from
those communities.

------
jackgolding
You don't need any of this to be successful, what I've found in my early-mid
twenties is in nearly all situations showing up and showing initiative puts
you in the top 5%.

~~~
rasmus1610
+1 I‘m always amazed how many people don’t do the basics right and how much
you can win by just showing up and showing initiative and basic thinking

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tjpp
It sounds like you're going through a tough time right now and being overly
critical of yourself. Therapy is not a bad idea, but you might also consider
looking into some of the research on self-compassion. I believe all of the
resources at [http://self-compassion.org/](http://self-compassion.org/) are
free. Personally I spent a lot of time learning this by myself and it made a
_huge_ difference in my life.

------
tmaly
Just start writing, teaching, making stuff. You would be surprised how few
people do this out of the general population.

------
amorphous
Remember that most people are average, they have to as per definition.

------
kerbalspacepro
Mediocrity is a choice, brother. You need to do some root cause analysis to
fix it.

~~~
sadamznintern
I've thought about this a bunch.

I think the reasons are:

* Mediocre IQ.

* Lack of grit and persistence that I can't develop

* Natural lack of charisma

A combination of all of these make me very unhappy and very poor.

~~~
tptacek
I want to be careful about doing Internet psych diagnosis, but you sound (from
your previous comments) like you may be somewhere on the spectrum of
depression/anxiety. Have you thought about talking to a professional?

I have no idea what my IQ is. I definitely know what my present limitations
are, and I think about them a lot (I'm a little obsessed by the limits on my
willpower that keep me from e.g. spending 8 consecutive hours studying
abstract algebra, or learning Haskell). But I'm _not alarmed by them_. I am
naturally "good at" some things (I'm coming to believe that "good at" is
almost a synonym for "enjoys/gets a charge from") and other things are uphill
climbs for me. I try to arrange my work so that my uphill climbs are always
for a reason. I think this is a healthier attitude than trying to gauge some
very-probably-fictitious intrinsic "IQ" attribute to find my place in the
world.

If you can write in complete sentences and in a conversational tone, you're
doing fine on charisma. Having organized and been involved in HN meetups in
the past: you are almost certainly not anomalously inept in social situations.
We are not the funnest cocktail party in the world.

I came across this post because I have a saved search for "IQ" (historically,
"IQ" has been a reliably marker for seriously gross threads) and not because I
clicked through on an "Ask HN" about "coming to grips with your own
mediocrity". I'd gingerly suggest that the whole notion of "coming to grips
with mediocrity" is a bit toxic and crazymaking.

~~~
sadamznintern
>I try to arrange my work so that my uphill climbs are always for a reason. I
think this is a healthier attitude than trying to gauge some very-probably-
fictitious intrinsic "IQ" attribute to find my place in the world.

That's probably a decent strategy overall but as someone that can't pass
Google HC I don't see how that would help.

I think I'm pretty mediocre at all of the things that might be lucrative and
really bad at everything else.

~~~
tptacek
My subfield, software security, is so full of people that tried to get a job
at Google and failed that it became a running joke. Some extremely well-known
people in the field number among them. If you're evaluating your life by
whether you can pass an interview loop at Google or Facebook, you're doing
something wrong.

~~~
sadamznintern
I mean, I'm still making less (around 80% of what they make or less) than
them. And I will for the next 4-5 years if I can hack it at Amazon FT.

~~~
tptacek
If you are typical intern age and freaking out over your income over the next
4-5 years, you are also probably doing something wrong.

~~~
sadamznintern
I’m 22. I’m seeing everyone I respect get TC over $180k and on. I don’t come
close while working harder and being judged more harshly.

I can’t even leave. Everyone thinks I’m a joke because of my background and
lack of pedigree. I’m never going to make up for my prior failures at this
rate.

~~~
quickthrower2
I'd recommend exploring psychotherapy, learning about the mind, learning about
yourself. Not because there is anything 'wrong' with you, but to allow you to
improve your mental state, even with less than ideal circumstances. From there
you will be more chilled and can make clear decisions, decide what is most
important and then set goals.

The reality is if you are earning 50% let alone 80% of $180k US as I have
inferred by your posts you have enough money and you probably don't 'need'
more. You are certainly earning alot more than me, and I have been software
developer since 2001.

It sounds like it is the comparison with others, and being treated unfairly in
your mind that is causing a lot of frustration. I had the same feelings in my
20's - I was suspicious and wondered why certain people got ahead and judged
things as fair/unfair. Even at an older age with social media like HN I'll see
all these super successful people in their fields and be jealous and angry
that I didn't take 'their' path. But at some point it is good to be able to
handle that we can't all be 0.01% ers (by definition or 0.01%er: only 1 in
10000 can attain it).

