

Ask HN: Can you be friends with your boss - Tzeentch99

Thoughts?<p>Personally I don't think you can no matter how much you may act like it because ultimately they have power over you creating an unequal relationship.
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epall
Absolutely you can. Good managers support their people and do their best to
make sure the people they're responsible for are doing their best. Bad
managers abuse the outdated hierarchical model for ego trips.

You can absolutely be friends with your boss, because his or her job is to
make you great, which is more than I can say about a lot of friends.

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jdp23
Yes, and I frequently have been.

The power relationship at work is only one part of your relationship with
somebody. It does introduce complexities, and you both have to accept that
friendship can't muddle the professional waters; if she or he thinks you're
doing a bad job or the situation calls for layoffs, they'll need to give you
feedback and potentially let you go -- and that can put a lot of stress on a
friendship. Conversely if you think they're doing a horrible job as a manager,
that'll also cause complications. But if there's good communications,
friendships can survive even in these different situations.

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staunch
It can be a perfectly equal relationship if you want it to be. You just have
to be as prepared to quit as your employer is to fire you. That's not really
very hard if you make it a goal.

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HelgeSeetzen
That's viable in theory but not in praxis. Unconscious decision making bias
will creep into everything that you do. That's hard to filter, especially for
all those non-binary decisions in between "firing or not" (e.g. promotions,
assigning of responsibilities, approval of proposals, etc.).

The bias will be there, it will negatively affect the activities of that
employee, and, more importantly, it will negatively affect everybody else in
the company. Human beings are extremely sensitive to group dynamics and will
(subconsciously) either align with the bonding strategy of the "successful"
employee or hate him (or you). Both outcomes are bad for the company.

PS: A lot of these biases are in place all the time anyhow as some amount of
emotional attachment always occurs. You just need to watch it fairly
carefully.

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HelgeSeetzen
Your boss can be a respected friends, but not a loved buddy. In other words,
you can have all the rational features of friendship but probably need to stay
away from the emotional side (and definitely the romantic side).

There are two reasons for this. Emotional attachment creates decision bias
which will eventually interfer with the job function of your boss (and/or your
own). Leadership often needs detached objective assessment and you want your
boss to have that capability.

The second reason has to do with group dynamics. Events play out differently
when the boss is in the room (e.g. no venting). Keeping some distance is often
the only way that a superior can encourage the growth of good staff dynamics
(e.g. formation of informal leaders.

Both of these are good reasons why being a loved buddy relationship is neither
practical nor actually desirable for a boss-staff relationship. It doesn't
mean that you can't be friends though. Mutual support, assistance to success,
(some) shared interests and so forth are all possible (and a usually good
thing).

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robflynn
I was very good friends with one of my old bosses. We'd known each other for
years when he extended the job offer to me. I accepted and we had a good
working relationship and our friendship remained as good as ever.

Once I quit and moved on we still remained friends.

We eventually grew out of touch after his company got huge and he became very
busy. I still talk to him on occasion, though. He's a great guy and I feel
honored to call him friend and to have been a part of the company.

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laf2019
I've been friends with my past managers. True, they have power over you but
not all relationships are equal anyway. If your manager is good and you
respect him or her, you should not have a problem doing as told and your
manager wont go on a power trip. Also, if a boss is good then they will care
more about you and your career growth than the company so if you have a good
reason to leave, they won't be hurt. And if they have to lay you off, they can
help you find a new job.

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maxbrown
An unequal power dynamic does not at all imply that you can't be friends. If
either of you make each other's life more difficult, you're not going to be
friends - but isn't this always the case? If, however, you have a healthy
business relationship, there's no reason why you can't be friends as well.

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eof
As long as you both think each other are good at your jobs.

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rdouble
No.

 _"Family, religion, friends.. these are the three demons you must slay if you
wish to succeed in business."_ -Monty Burns

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petervandijck
Sure, the same way you can be friends with an ex, a grandparent or a teacher,
to just name a few.

