
Ask HN: Should I take time off while wife earns? - jermaustin1
My wife is a recent MFT graduate has a pretty good shot at getting a job at a small mental health facility in a tiny town in Colorado. Her salary would be more than enough for where we will be living plus paying down student loans (3-4 times the median household income).<p>I&#x27;ve been getting burnt out in tech for closing in on a decade, now... or at least, working on other people&#x27;s tech, I think.<p>Should I use this opportunity to step away from tech completely and invest in getting better at my other hobbies (carpentry, hiking, writing)?
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core-questions
Sounds like a great opportunity. Just keep this in mind:

[http://time.com/4425061/unemployment-divorce-men-
women/](http://time.com/4425061/unemployment-divorce-men-women/)

Looks like it causes a lot of couples relationship stress to have the wife be
the primary breadwinner and the husband stay at home.

So, you need to make sure you're doing something to contribute financially (or
equivalently via some other fruits of your labour) to the family, beyond just
the standard work around the house. You don't have to earn more than your
wife, but you must do your best to avoid any possible interpretation that
you're doing nothing all day, or else you run an elevated risk of relationship
issues.

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jermaustin1
I'm less worried about this as my wife and I go to therapy together and
separately, and she is a marriage and family therapist herself.

I'm more concerned about myself not being able to rejoin tech when I'm not
burned out anymore, or losing skills (not that I have many currently, anyway).

~~~
toomuchtodo
Consider using your time off to take up a trade. Personally, I’ve found
working with my hands outside of tech cathartic (welding specifically), and
will eventually transition out to either a trade or law after tech (where
there is no treadmill, and taking a year or two off doesn’t sideline you
permanently).

Tech is like being a sports athlete or exotic dancer; make hay while the sun
is shining but always be prepared for your next act.

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muzani
Honestly, men like beautiful women and women like rich men. Even if your wife
is okay with it, it could be a hit to your attractiveness. It also means no
more expensive gifts.

But otherwise, I have taken year long breaks from tech. There was no issue
with being outdated; if you're the type to hang out on HN as a hobby, you
should be fine. Interestingly, going back and looking at old code gave a lot
of insights to what I was doing wrong.

The only issue I had was losing momentum on networking. If you go around
rejecting work, they find someone else and people stop recommending you.

Also as someone who has taken a year off, I find that breaks don't cure
burnout. Burnout is caused by not having an impact despite hard work. You
probably won't have an impact on anyone's life by being good at hiking. It was
teaching that brought me out of burnout.

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sjg007
Why not switch to part time? Nothing is permanent. Try taking 3 months off and
see if you like it.

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azhenley
I don't think you necessary have to make a hard decision with what to do with
your career/hobbies. These aren't mutually exclusive choices.

It sounds like you have the freedom to explore your options, and even try them
out. You could get there and do some contract/remote work part-time while
enjoying hobbies. You should try building products of your own. You could try
to profit from your hobbies. You could take a sabbatical for a few months.

Good luck. Doesn't sound like you can make a wrong choice here.

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Tomte
Is your wife okay with that arrangement? Do you feel you can get back into the
workforce easily? If so, sure, sounds great!

~~~
jermaustin1
My wife and both of our therapists are on board with the idea of it. I'm just
a little more hesitant. I've always had a job/gig/clients (except 2 months in
2008).

I'm a product development consultant (well I was, before my current role of
ASP.Net code monkey), so getting new clients TODAY is difficult -- why I'm a
code monkey.

We've always used my income to pay for our extravagances (multiple European
vacations per year, a healthy retirement account, never having to look at the
bank before we buy something, etc), so this will be different. Which has
caused me to be a little hesitant.

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wodenokoto
You should take burnout seriously. And you should ask your wife what she
thinks.

But if you have the opportunity to quit, then do it.

~~~
jermaustin1
She's all for it, I'm just more hesitant since I've never NOT had a paying job
in our entire relationship. And she's never had a PAYING job. So we are both
looking to flip roles.

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dmitripopov
It's complicated and heavily depends on the type of relationships that you
developed and even with perfect relationships it still may backfire. Can you
make money from your hobbies (say, carpentry)? It's a far less stressful way
for your family to have a year off your regular job.

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RyanOD
Yes! Consider drafting a plan with some defined goals/deliverables to keep you
focused and efficient. Otherwise, such a break might morph into a pseudo-
vacation. I can imagine where that might breed tension and frustration.

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happppy
Her money is her money except what you both put together for daily
expenditures, shopping, savings, investments etc which obviously would be much
bigger from her side than yours but rest is her wherever she would like to
spend. SO YOU SHOULD NEVER see her income as an excuse to take time off. This
will only increase tension b/w you guys and believe me this is real.

~~~
jermaustin1
That is a very negative viewpoint on marriage. We've been together for 14
years and I've been the only one with a job that entire time, and we've always
shared the money.

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wesleytodd
Yes

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giardini
No.

There is a gene sequence that women have (men may have it too FWIW) that
causes them to be unhappy if their SO isn't "bringing home the bacon." Its an
old sequence and is not to be tampered with unless you wish to end the
relationship. It is somewhat akin to the "you must bring/buy/provide food on
any date" gene, which will also, unless fulfilled, bring any date to an
unscheduled premature end.

Just an aside: you'd have to be nuts to quit working to get better at hobbies,
unless you're very, very good at the hobbies, plan to work (i.e., make money)
in those hobbies and can earn as much income.

Do your best to spend time in the most highly-valued way you can - then you
will not go wrong.

