
Santa Claus Confirms NSA Attack on Naughty or Nice Database - kushti
https://edri.org/santa-claus-confirms-nsa-attack-on-naughty-or-nice-database/
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riebschlager
I don't see what the big deal is. If you've been a good little boy or girl,
then you have nothing to hide, right?

~~~
BuildTheRobots
I've never managed to work out of Santa keeps a list of _everyone_ on earth
and then indexes them as either Nice or Naughty, or if I manage to get added
to one of the two for doing something particulally noteworthy over the last
year.

Or to put it another way, if _only_ the nice list gets leaked and I'm _not_ on
it, does that mean I'm really naughty, or does it just mean I'm one of the 60%
of people on earth who aren't Christian?

~~~
buro9
I'm not sure that the whole Santa Claus thing is in the bible or part of
Christianity.

~~~
aidos
Interestingly, I've discovered over the last few days that Christianity in the
uk doesn't seem big in to Santa.

The few openly Christian people I know have all told their kids (4yo) that
Santa isn't real. That's kinda ruined it for our kids.

Not judging, but I find it astoundingly hypocritical to dismiss one made up
figure while religiously worshiping another!

~~~
triangleman
Santa is a falsification of the real thing.

With Santa, there's no room for grace. You're either naughty or nice, and then
you are rewarded accordingly.

The Christian story, as told in the Bible, is quite different. First of all,
you're not working for presents, you're working for God Himself. Secondly,
we're all naughty: there is no way to be nice apart from Christ. And finally,
you are not supposed to simply "believe" God exists; your faith is inseparable
from your works. And by working faithfully you are rewarded immediately as
well as eternally... "It is more blessed to give than to receive."

~~~
jessaustin
That's perceptive, but with that understanding what purpose does "Santa Claus"
serve? ISTM for many people the truth about Santa presages an eventual
revelation about the nature of Christianity in general. The prior experience
gives us psychological permission to experience further disillusionment. The
Church Lady was right about this one.

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archgoon
This has been warned about in the security community for years. Even if the
person guarding such a database is a saint, which he is, the mere existence of
the NON database is a threat to the privacy of everyone on the planet.

~~~
clort
> a post on Santa’s blog said that his NON-database is, actually, a non-
> database – a decoy, in other words.

~~~
mdk754
No no, just NoSQL. Even Santa has "Big Data" in the cloud.

~~~
chris_wot
That might explain why even naughty children get presents from Santa every
year. MongoDB.

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hackbinary
Last time I heard that Santa Claus was neither compliant with UK Data
Protection Act [1], nor the Canadian Privacy Act [2].

[1]
[http://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1998/29/contents](http://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1998/29/contents)

[2]
[https://www.priv.gc.ca/leg_c/r_o_a_e.asp](https://www.priv.gc.ca/leg_c/r_o_a_e.asp)

~~~
beamatronic
Serious question: Would Santa Claus be subject to HIPAA compliance?

~~~
Nadya
The best way to understand if something is a HIPAA violation is "Can someone
who isn't the patient or doctor find any PHI?"

So unless Santa stores health information in his Naught/Nice list, he's HIPAA
compliant.

~~~
jMyles
Are 'naughty' and 'nice' slated to be recognized conditions in the DSM-VI?

~~~
DJHenk
No, but they will certainly be in the BDSM-VI.

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chatmasta
Great, I thought my chimney was a back door accessible only to Santa. Now
anyone with this database has the key to my chimney.

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ipsin
_IP addresses associated with the attack were traced to the US National
Security Agency (NSA)_

I demand plausible satire!

~~~
strictnein
They were in the range of 0.0.0.0 - 255.255.255.255, well known NSA addresses.

~~~
Zikes
I think it's a Chinese Black Flag operation.

~~~
FLUX-YOU
Clearly black frog freight who is secretly controlled by the Mittani and we
all know Mittani is playing both the Chinese and NSA.

~~~
acgh213
Why hasn't he logged on in over 2 years? because hes been busy with doxxing
other nations. \--- i see eve doesn't leave me alone

o7

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rquantz
That's it, I'm clearing my Christmas cookies.

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BinaryIdiot
We need a Manhattan-like project so the people in the technology industry can
collaborate with the United States to allow the authorities to access the NON-
database. A backdoor isn't the right door but there has got to be a way. They
can figure it out.

~~~
rquantz
We just have to ask Bill Gates

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jacquesm
Rudolf was an NSA plant. That red nose should have been the giveaway.

~~~
blisterpeanuts
He wasn't a communist?

~~~
Gh0stRAT
Rudolph's "red nose" actually refers to his uncanny ability to sniff-out
communist sympathizers. As you might imagine, Santa simply can't afford delays
like labor strikes or communist revolutions.

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jameshart
I find it frankly shocking that someone on the naughty list is permitted to
purchase a handgun.

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Geekette
Not receiving floofy slippers was probably the last straw for the NSA. Hell
hath no fury like a legion of 5-eyed naughties with freezing tootsies.

~~~
peterwwillis
Freezing? It's been 65 degrees in Fort Meade this month!

....Or so i've been told.

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rapsacnz
Just did a search on the online naughty or nice checker and yep, my email
address is there. Looks like more than the NSA hacked this DB. Now I'm just
waiting for the extortion requests to roll in.

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mtgx
Reminded me of this awesome ACLU Christmas video:

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pcWlyUu8U4](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pcWlyUu8U4)

~~~
jacquesm
Naughty list: Edward Snowden, Glenn Greenwald...

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clogston
"18 months of credit monitoring? Crap, I've already got two of these."

~~~
awqrre
Only activate one of them at a time and hope that the others don't expire...

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julianozen
SELECT * FROM Children WHERE naughty=false;

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anemic
as you seem to have some inside information can you share some details about
the database schema: is naughty field not null or nullable? what about
indexing a table on a boolean column?

~~~
logfromblammo
Niceness is an ENUM

    
    
      'not known',
      'nice',
      'naughty',
      'nasty'
    

Additionally, the nice list is a bitemporal table, and CheckStatus is also an
ENUM ( 'nunce', 'once', 'twice', 'more' ). Foreign keys go to the Person and
Elf tables.

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nickysielicki
This is an obvious false flag, typical state-planted bullshit. Wake up
sheeple, NSA didn't _hack_ Santa. Santa's elves are not outraged here.

Santa is _complicit_ in NSA's spying. Probably not seen in any of the Snowden
leaks, but anyone who has been paying attention the past couple decades has
seen this coming from a mile away.

You're telling me you thought a single man could effectively build a
meaningful dossier on what amounts to nearly everyone on the planet, working
ALONE?

The government wants us to think that Santa didn't see this coming. I don't
buy it. The more I think about it, this whole narrative of Santa doesn't make
much sense at all. Something is seriously amiss here, but I can't put my
finger on it.

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strictnein
Santa is a hypocrite. His army of Elves who break into homes to monitor the
occupants [0] dwarfs any misdeeds of the NSA.

[http://www.elfontheshelf.com/](http://www.elfontheshelf.com/)

~~~
martin-adams
The only difference is that this is what you willingly signed up for right by
inviting Santa into your home on Christmas Eve?

Well, at least there must be some parent consent that is.

~~~
strictnein
True. True. But I can't get him to leave. There doesn't seem to be an opt-out.
Should have read the EULA more closely, I guess.

~~~
martin-adams
Ahh yes, that's why the EU created the Santa's Cookies and Milk consent
notice. Basically, if you don't agree, you have to use a different home which
does have an opt out, or doesn't use cookies and milk to track your activities
with Santa.

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kyberias
"It is well known that Santa lives in Korvatunturi, Finland."

Thank you.

~~~
rzzzt
It has to be said that according to "Babar and Father Christmas" by Jean de
Brunhoff, Santa lives in an underground lair near the town of "Prjmnestwe",
found in the Bohemian region of the Czech Republic. The book's illustrations
feature a cross-section of the entire complex.

[1]
[http://www.theguardian.com/books/booksblog/2010/dec/03/babar...](http://www.theguardian.com/books/booksblog/2010/dec/03/babar-
father-christmas-jean-de-brunhoff)

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chippy
Clearly Stallman is proved right again, somehow.

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andrewchilts
We all know Santa is deeply embedded in the FVEY surveillance alliance:
[https://twitter.com/sigint_santa/status/545966850253664256](https://twitter.com/sigint_santa/status/545966850253664256)

------
mxuribe
I wonder if this attack merits deploying the holiday special forces - i.e.
Elven boots on the ground??
[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1446192/](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1446192/)

~~~
rquantz
I believe in Santa terminology it would be "elfin" boots on the ground. This
is the North Pole, not Middle Earth.

~~~
mxuribe
Good call! Yeah, that was my former Dungeons & Dragons=playing self coming out
there. ;-)

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raverbashing
Well, it seems it's only fair. I never knew my login was not on the sudoers
file

~~~
JadeNB
I was going to make a "This incident will be reported" joke, but it turns out
that, as usual, XKCD trod this ground first:
[https://xkcd.com/838](https://xkcd.com/838) . (In retrospect, that's probably
what you were referencing.)

------
PretzelFisch
Seems kind of like "The pot calling the kettle black"

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yeukhon
Real serious question: this is a Christmas Fool joke?

~~~
stefantalpalaru
No, Santa Claus' database really was compromised.

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jejones3141
I still have hopes that an episode of _Person of Interest_ will reveal that
The Machine was made at Santa's request.

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dudul
Looks like Santa wants the terrorists to win.

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krapp
Santa Claus.

A white, male christian superhuman with the power to violate national
sovereignty and property rights at will. Laws and locks are meaningless to
him. He rewards the loyal with material goods, and punishes the wicked, all
based on a secret list of names only he has access to. We've been raised to
consider this not only normal, but _just._ He's on Coca-Cola cans, after all,
so he can't be bad. Everyone loves Coca-Cola, right?

Santa is the undisputed, unelected and untouchable master of a global
industrial machine run on slave labor, subject to no environmental or labor
laws, in which the slaves are brainwashed through candy and mindless jingoism
into accepting their brutal lot as necessary for the greater good. It really
is the ultimate American "limited government" power fantasy, down to the junk
food and constant repetition of loyalty oaths to a theocratic God-king.

Clearly, one can tell from reading this thread that American style pop-
cultural propaganda is alive and well on Hacker News. Congratulations on
supporting the military industrial complex and furthering America's goal of
global cultural genocide by paying any attention at all to this "parody",
which only serves to mock and ridicule the very real and present threat that
the NSA poses to human rights and civilization. I'm sure your handlers will
reward you with milk and cookies. Or a nice refreshing Coke.

Sheeple.

Edit: downvoted by NSA shills... typical.

~~~
JadeNB
> Congratulations on supporting the military industrial complex and furthering
> America's goal of global cultural genocide by paying any attention at all to
> this "parody", which only serves to mock and ridicule the very real and
> present threat that the NSA poses to human rights and civilization.

Were Soviet satirists, or their readers, guilty of propping up the Stalinist
regime?

~~~
krapp
The honest answer is, probably not.

One could argue that there is possible danger in satire if it makes the target
seem less threatening, or allows the audience to become more comfortable with
the presence of the system being ridiculed. But that effect, if it exists, is
probably minor.

