
CIA Declassified Coldwar Russian Jokes [pdf] - bifrost
https://www.cia.gov/library/readingroom/docs/CIA-RDP89G00720R000800040003-6.pdf
======
dragandj
Wlodek, a rural farmer, has decided that might be safer not keeping his money
under the mattress. So he takes his horse and cart and goes off to the nearest
town to talk to the bank.

"Right," says Wlodek, "I want to make sure my 50 zlotys are safe. Like, what
happens if someone robs you and takes everything in your vault?"

"Oh, don't worry about that!" says the smooth bank manager. "The main branch
in the city would cover you!"

"Okay," says Wlodek. "But suppose the whole bank went bust? I know these
things happen."

"Well," says the bank manager. "People have a right to be worried, of course.
So that you can feel completely secure, the Polish Central Bank still
guarantees your savings."

"But suppose the Polish Central Bank ran out of money?" asks Wlodek. "What
would happen then?"

"This is very hypothetical," says the bank manager. "But if it ever happened,
we have a treaty with the Soviet Union. They would still make sure you weren't
out of pocket."

"But what if the Soviet Union went bust?" asks Wlodek stubbornly.

The bank manager sighs. "Look," he says. "Wouldn't that be worth 50 zlotys?"

~~~
wolfgke
This joke is well-known in Germany
([http://www.bankmitarbeiter.de/html/bankerwitze.html](http://www.bankmitarbeiter.de/html/bankerwitze.html)
at the bottom) - you have to know that in Germany jokes about the politicians
(in particular the Federal Government, but increasingly commonly also the EU)
are what jokes about lawyers are in the US:

> [E]ine ältere Dame in einer Bank [will] ein Sparbuch eröffnen und 1.000,-
> EUR einzahlen. Dame: "Ist mein Geld bei ihnen auch sicher ? Banker: "Klar
> doch !" Dame: "Und was ist, wenn Sie Pleite machen ?" Banker: "Dann kommt
> die Landeszentralbank auf !" Dame: "Und was, wenn die Pleite macht ?"
> Banker: "Dann kommt die Bundesbank auf !" Dame: "Und wenn auch die Pleite
> macht ?" Banker: "Dann tritt die Bundesregierung zurück, und das sollte
> Ihnen nun wirklich die 1.000,- EUR wert sein.

My rough not word-for-word translation:

An old lady goes to a bank to open a savings book in which she wants to
deposit EUR 1,000. Lay: "My money is really safe at you". Banker: "Of
course!". Lady: "And what if you go bust?". Banker: "Then the Federal State
Central Bank accounts for it!". Lady: "And what if the Federal State Central
Bank goes bust?". Banker: "Then the German Central Bank accounts for it.".
Lady: "And when it goes bust, too?". Banker: "Then the Federal Government has
to recede - and this is surely worth EUR 1,000.".

Nowadays there also exists a variant of the joke where Angela Merkel is
explicitly mentioned in the final line. :-)

Also note in the German version the word "Banker" is used (pronounced the same
as in English) - in opposite to its English analogue in German this word has a
derogatory connotation (though not as much as in former days). The polite
(though a little outdated) German word for "banker" is "Bankier" (though
spelled rather similarly as "Banker", it is pronounced differently). I could
say that there are reasons why it has become a little uncommon (making it a
little outdated) to use the polite German word "Bankier" anymore. ;-)

------
guscost
A bit different but here's my favorite European joke:

An Italian politician invites his Greek politician friend over for a visit.
The Greek pulls up in front of an elegant manor house and is welcomed by the
staff. He walks in through a foyer with marble floors and a huge marble
staircase with ornamental banisters and a crystal chandelier. They walk
through to a lovely veranda overlooking the river, and sit down to eat.

The Greek is very impressed with everything and asks "How did you manage to
get this place?"

The Italian points to a shoddy concrete bridge over the river and says "See
that bridge over there? It was supposed to be a steel suspension bridge, but
we found a lower bidder to build that one instead, and with all the extra
money I was able to buy this!" The Greek compliments his friend on the house,
they finish a delicious meal while talking about various politics, and the
next day they part ways.

Several months later the Greek invites the Italian over. The Italian arrives
at an enormous estate with a marble facade. He walks in to see an even bigger
staircase, and a banister and chandelier that are trimmed in 24 karat gold!
They sit down for a meal on a huge terrace with a staggering view of the
harbor.

The Italian is completely blown away, so he asks his friend "How on earth did
you afford _this_ place? It's fantastic!"

The Greek says "Well, see that bridge over there?"

The Italian says "What bridge?"

~~~
speeder
A Brazillian similar joke.

Italy government was choosing who to build the bridge (maybe the one in the
previous joke).

3 contractors made bids, a German, an US, and a Brazillian one.

The German bid that for 40 million he could make a near indestructible steel
bridge with perfect tolerances.

The US company tried to do the opposite, they offered to make a cheap concrete
bridge, with "just enough" within the requirements of the law, for 10 million.

The Brazillian then, offered to make the best concrete bridge ever, for 30
million, 10 for the US company, 10 for the Italian politician, and 10 for
themselves, and as a bonus they would help the Italian politician to convince
the population that the US-made bridge was better than the German one.

~~~
antisthenes
This is how must things in Russia are built after the fall of the USSR.

Except there's no competition between 2 contractors, so for 40 million, you
get a shoddy 10 million bridge, and 15 goes into the politician who approved
the project and 15 to his contractor buddy.

(Or the contractor buddy and the politician are actually the same person, so
they just get 30 million)

The added benefit is that the shoddy construction falls apart quicker, so you
can request 40 million again in a few years.

------
zokat
I like this one:

Russian engineer got fed up of having all responsibility and low salary, so he
moves to another city and pretends to be an ordinary worker, same salary and
peace of mind. However, not long after communist party sends him to evening
classes. On his first day there at maths class he was asked about circle
circumference formula, but for some reason he could not remember it off hand,
so he goes on blackboard and tries to work it out with linear integral. After
exhausting whole blackboard he finally gets the result:

-2 _R_ Pi

Then all of the sudden he hears all of the class whispering to him: "Change
the direction of integration!"

~~~
foota
I feel stupid asking, but what's the joke? I get that flipping the direction
of integration would negate the result.

~~~
koliber
The joke is that the entire class was made up of brilliant engineers who acted
dumb and were sent to a basic math class for educating.

~~~
foota
That is funny, thank you.

~~~
Singletoned
And that is the funniest thing I've read for a long time.

~~~
celticninja
Bots appear to be getting much better :)

------
lb1lf
Three men meet in a GULag camp, and conversation turns to why they are there.

"I got twelve years hard labour for speaking out against Gennady Karasov",
says the first.

"That's funny, I got twelve years hard labour for supporting Gennady Karasov!"
says the second. Attention turns to the last man.

"I am Gennady Karasov".

\-----

Three men have to share a hotel room in Chelyabinsk during a congress.
Naturally, in the evening, they start drinking. One thing leads to another,
and they find themselves telling political jokes. Concerns that any of the
others may be KGB informants or that the room may be bugged are readily
dissolved in alcohol. Everybody is having a great time.

One is tired and really feels like sleeping; he decides to pull a joke on the
others. He excuses himself, runs to the lobby and gives the receptionist a few
bills. "Please send someone to my room with a bottle of vodka, some rye bread
and salt in ten minutes." He then returns to the room.

After a few minutes, he notes to the others that stocks of refreshments are
running low. "Not to worry, comrades! I have good contacts."

He leans over towards the potted plant in the corner, grabs it and loudly
says, as if speaking into a microphone:

"Comrades at the listening post, this is lieutenant Dyatlov! We urgently
require a bottle of vodka, some rye bread and salt to our room! Make haste!"

The others laugh their asses off - until a minute later, there's a knock on
the door and vodka, salt and rye bread is served.

You could hear a pin drop. Our man goes to sleep, enjoying the quiet.

When he wakes up in the morning, the others are gone. A note is left on the
table. "Comrade! A couple of your jokes yesterday would easily get you to
Siberia! (The one about Stalin's maid, while hysterical, could get you in
front of a firing squad!!!) However, we liked that room service joke so much,
we'll let you off the hook this time. Sincerely, KGB."

~~~
azernik
Successive punchlines are hard. The second pulls it off so so so well.

------
kamyarg
Here is my favorite one:

The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at
catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a
rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing
everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had
it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

~~~
emiliobumachar
Good one. But it would be better with a cat instead of a rabbit, so the bear
will just yell:

-Meow, meow meow!

~~~
sAbakumoff
Another version is about a time when KGB agents were asked to help with
identification of a ancient mummy and they made him to admit that he is
Ramesses II.

------
mlillie
OK, I need to add my favorite Russian joke here:

A German and a Russian die. Neither has been the best person in their life, so
they get sent down there. When they arrive in hell, the devil says, "Well,
especially bad people have been dying lately, and we're all full up. I can
only accept one of you, the other will go to purgatory and get a chance at
redemption."

He proposes a simple test of their human decency: Each man is given a dog, a
huge crate of sausages and one month to teach the dog a trick.

One month later, the devil returns to the German, who has clearly bonded with
his now-plump dog. "Alright, let's see what you've got!" the devil says. The
German plucks out a sausage and proceeds to wiggle it in the air. The dog,
perfectly balanced on its hind legs, does an acrobatic pirouette. "Wow!" says
satan. "Impressive!"

He walks over to the Russian his dog, whose relationship seems strained. The
dog looks like a wild animal, but the Russian seems satisfied enough. "OK,
show us your trick," the devil says. The Russian plucks out a sausage and
proceeds to wiggle it in the air. The dog, wide-eyed, says "Please, Vanya,
just one sausage!"

~~~
13of40
An eagle, tired from a long flight, lands in a tree. It looks around and is
startled to see a cow is in the tree as well.

"What are you doing in this tree?" says the eagle.

"Well, I came up here to eat apples," replies the cow.

"But this is a pine tree."

"Ah, you see, I brought my own."

(Lady who told me that was from Kamchatka.)

~~~
mladenkovacevic
This one has that sublime absurdist quality so characteristic of eastern
europe but it keeps you thinking and translating the characters and concepts
into real world situations. Love it.

------
ksrm
There's a great one at the start of Slavoj Zizek's _Welcome to the Desert of
the Real_ :

In an old joke from the defunct German Democratic Republic, a German worker
gets a job in Siberia; aware of how all mail will be read by censors, he tells
his friends: “Let’s establish a code: if a letter you will get from me is
written in ordinary blue ink, it is true; if it is written in red ink, it is
false.” After a month, his friends get the first letter, written in blue ink:
“Everything is wonderful here: stores are full, food is abundant, apartments
are large and properly heated, movie theaters show films from the West, there
are many beautiful girls ready for an affair—the only thing you can't get is
red ink.”

~~~
67726e
If we're telling DDR jokes, I always loved the joke from Das Leben der
Anderen[0]:

Honecker walks into his office, looks out the window and says "Good morning,
dear sun!" and the sun replies "Good morning Erich!"

At lunch Honecker walks to the window and says "Good afternoon, dear sun!",
and the sun replies "Good afternoon Erich!"

Finally, at the end of the day Honecker walks to his window and says "Good
evening, dear sun!". But the sun doesn't say anything, so he says once more
"Good evening, dear sun! Is something wrong?". The sun finally replies, "Kiss
my ass I'm in the west now!"

[0] -
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8vDQaAYaQg](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8vDQaAYaQg)

------
ChuckMcM
I like this one:

 _An American tells a Russian that the United States is so free he can stand
in front of the White House and yell, "To hell with Ronald Regan." The Russian
replies, "That's nothing. I can stand in front of the Kremlin and yell, 'To
hell with Ronald Regan,' too."_

~~~
desdiv
I like how Ronald Reagan delivers this joke:
[https://youtu.be/mN3z3eSVG7A?t=131](https://youtu.be/mN3z3eSVG7A?t=131)

~~~
sundvor
What a great find. Linked from that video, a great one on ageism in politics:
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z97_qDsrqgU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z97_qDsrqgU)

Reagan surely knew to carry himself in a presidential manner.

~~~
Florin_Andrei
> _Reagan surely knew to carry himself in a presidential manner._

He was a good actor.

~~~
sundvor
> He was a good actor.

At least he wasn't a megalomaniac.

~~~
Florin_Andrei
> _At least he wasn 't a megalomaniac._

Well, most Donald Trump supporters would take offense upon hearing how you
characterize their idol. But since most of them are unlikely to be lurking
round these parts, I guess that's okay.

~~~
godshatter
Even some of us who aren't Trump supporters are getting tired of the incessant
Trump-bashing.

~~~
Florin_Andrei
Some of us Trump unsupporters grew up under actual totalitarian regimes and
are extremely sensitive to certain types of behavior at the top of government.
Canaries in a coal mine, if you will.

~~~
sundvor
Funnily enough I never assigned "megalomaniac" to a certain name; it appears
it was just assumed I was talking about Trump.

That being what it is, seeing it as an outsider to the US, the glove certainly
appears to fit. If good people can't stand up to this sort of behaviour, and
call it for what it is, I am rather worried.

------
nicolas314
Three guys just arrived in the Gulag. They ask each other what they did to end
up there. First one says:

\- I came to work 5 minutes late, I was sentenced to 10 years for sabotage

Second one says:

\- I came to work 5 minutes early, I was sentenced to 10 years for espionage.

Third one says:

\- I came to work precisely on time, I was sentenced to 15 years for
contraband of foreign clocks.

------
RalphJr45
If anyone is interested, a book titled _Hammer And Tickle: A History Of
Communism Told Through Communist Jokes_ by Ben Lewis has a few gems in:

 _An inspector is at a factory conducting an inspection. He addresses one
worker:

'What are you doing here?'

'Nothing.'

'And what do you do here?' he asks another.

'Nothing.'

He writes in his report: 'The second worker may be released for unnecessary
duplication.'_

------
chx
Oh my, old socialist jokes? Here's one from Hungary: The lion calls the
congress of forest animals and declares: thanks to the tireless work of our
scientists, we now know two times two is six. Everyone claps loudly. Only the
old rabbit sighs to himself, the way I learned in school, two times two is
four. Two giant timber wolves appear, haul the rabbit away and noone sees the
rabbit for years.

A few years later, the lion calls the congress of forest animals and declares:
thanks to the tireless work of our scientists, we now know two times two is
five. Everyone claps loudly. Only the old rabbit, quite haggard now, sighs to
himself, the way I learned in school, two times two is four. Two giant timber
wolves appear and invite the rabbit to the pub across the street and tell him:
- Look comrade, you can think whatever you want but do not be so loud about
it. Or do you want it to be six again?

------
simonh
The Mayor of Moscow is getting ready to take his wife to the Ballet.

“Why have you not put on your dress?”

“But darling, I don’t have any dresses good enough for the ballet.” replies
his wife.

“Nonsense” the Mayor declares, opening the cupboard.

“There’s this blue dress, this green dress, hello comrade Dzerzhinsky, and
this lovely white dress.”

[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Felix_Dzerzhinsky#Director_of_...](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Felix_Dzerzhinsky#Director_of_Cheka)

------
popeshoe
A Prague citizen came to local police station in fall 1968. At the desk he
claimed "Officer, a Swiss soldier stole my Russian watch". Officer looked
puzzled and responded "I guess you mean that a Russian soldier stole your
Swiss watch." The man replied "It might be so, but remember that you said
that. Not me."

~~~
kpil
Ha ha!

------
DCoder
A man is walking down the street carrying a 12-roll pack of toilet paper.
People surround him, all excited: "Where'd you get that?" The man answers, "I
just got it back from the dry cleaner's!"

(source: Viktor Suvorov's fascinating _Kuzkina Mat_ [1])

[1]: [http://andrewnurnberg.com/book/kuzkina-
mat/](http://andrewnurnberg.com/book/kuzkina-mat/)

~~~
vermontdevil
I don't get this one?

~~~
lmkg
I assume the implication is that the only way to obtain fresh toilet paper was
to "recycle" it.

~~~
Pica_soO
But comrade, remember - the eastern block had two layered toilet paper first,
because one copy of every shit has too reach Moscow.

------
ptaipale
It is 1985. Vladimir wants a car. A Lada. He submits the application to
purchase one, and when it is processed, he collects the documents at the
office. The clerk says: "You are now in the queue. Your Lada will be delivered
on February 7, 2017."

Vladimir says: "I'm sorry, I can't pick the car up on that day. Do you have
any other days on that week?"

The clerk asks: "How come? The time is over 30 years away, how do you know
you're not available?"

Vladimir: "The plumber comes that day."

------
edw519
A soviet village with only a bull purchased a cow from Irkutsk. But the cow
would not let the bull mount her. No matter what the bull did, the cow moved
the other way so that mating was impossible.

The villagers brought in an expert government official who inspected the bull
and cow's behavior.

He asked the villagers, "Did you get this cow from Irkutsk?"

They responded, "Wow. That's amazing. How did you know?"

"My wife is from Irkutsk."

------
hprotagonist
Regan was actually not bad at telling soviet jokes.

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN3z3eSVG7A](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN3z3eSVG7A)

~~~
kafkaesq
You know, if you were actually living through that era his sense of "humor"
(combined with the suspicion, then widely assumed among leftist, now since
medically substantiated) that he was most likely suffering from some form of
early-onset dementia -- well, it got old real fast:

[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/We_begin_bombing_in_five_minut...](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/We_begin_bombing_in_five_minutes)

~~~
vidarh
"How Close Did Lesley Stahl Come to Reporting Reagan Had Alzheimer's While in
Office? Very Close." [1] is one terrifying account of just how far gone he
might have been even that early.

In 1987, when Howard Baker became White House Chief of Staff he was advised to
be prepared to invoke the 25th amendment. According to PBS [2]:

> What Baker's transition team was told by Donald Regan's staff that weekend
> shocked them. Reagan was 'inattentive, inept,' and 'lazy,' and Baker should
> be prepared to invoke the 25th Amendment to relieve him of his duties.

It's worth comparing the follow-up quote in [2] - Baker and his staff saw
Reagan animated and "in command of himself" and assumed there was no issue -
with Stahl's account, and considering that dementia-patients can go from bad
to fully functioning and back again in seconds and can keep at that for years,
often frustrating the process of a diagnosis. Both my grandmothers managed to
hide their Alzheimers for many years, until it finally got too much.

But it's quite terrifying that someone in his position was not diagnosed
officially until '94.

[1] [http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2011/01/reagan-
alzheimer...](http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2011/01/reagan-alzheimers-
family-feud-lesley-stahl)

[2] [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twenty-
fifth_Amendment_to_the_...](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twenty-
fifth_Amendment_to_the_United_States_Constitution) \- search for Howard Baker

~~~
kafkaesq
Looks like she missed the story of her career. In addition to a chance at
saving us all from nuclear annihilation (had things gone differently, and
certain neurons misfired in his brain at the wrong time).

------
andrei_says_
Makes me wonder, what jokes is the CIA _not_ declassifying?

Yes, this is a call for more Russian jokes.

~~~
sverige
Brezhnev wakes up and looks out at the rising sun. He says, "Good morning,
Comrade Sun!" The sun replies, "Good morning, Comrade Brezhnev!"

At noon, Brezhnev stands on a balcony at the Kremlin and looks up. "Hello,
Comrade Sun! It's a fine day!" The sun replies, "Hello, Comrade Brezhnev! Yes,
it's a fine day!"

Just before sunset, Brezhnev looks out and says, "Good evening, Comrade Sun!"
The sun replies, "Screw you! I'm in the West now!"

~~~
everybodyknows
An East German version of this, with Erich Honecker in place of Brezhnev, is
told by a young Stasi recruit in the 2006 film "Das Leben der Anderen".
Spoiler alert: The attempt at humor proves severely career-limiting.

~~~
camperman
I thought it was the hang up and try again joke:

What's the difference between Honecker and a telephone? Nothing! Just hang up
and try again!

(aufhängen, neuwählen means both "hang up and try again" and "hang him and
vote again")

------
paganel
Over here in Romania the Radio Yerevan jokes were some of the most famous
([http://www.armeniapedia.org/index.php?title=Radio_Yerevan_Jo...](http://www.armeniapedia.org/index.php?title=Radio_Yerevan_Jokes)).
My favorite one:

"""

Q: Is it true that Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov from Moscow won a car in a lottery?

A: In principle yes, but:

1\. it wasn't Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov but Aleksander Aleksandrovich Aleksandrov;

2\. he is not from Moscow but from Odessa;

3\. it was not a car but a bicycle;

4\. he didn't win it, but it was stolen from him.

"""

~~~
avip
Maybe echoes this:

A neighbour accuses Hershel the casserole he'd given him was returned broken.
They can't settle the case and so go to house of justice.

"Your honour, none of this ever happened", replies Hershel. "Please explain",
says the judge.

"First, This man has never given me any casserole"

"Second, I've returned it all in good shape"

"and third, it was already broken when he handed it to me"

------
DenisM
Russians have a user-generated site that contains every single Russian joke
that there was: [http://anekdot.ru](http://anekdot.ru) The site has been up
since mid-nineties, iirc.

~~~
te_platt
So I had the page translated to English. I think the jokes might be funnier in
Russian. Still there is something funny in knowing there is a joke in there
... somewhere.

~~~
hadfgdasf
Here's one that seems to survive, with a little bit of humor intact:

Most of the women claims that there is nothing more painful birth! But what
hit the balls ?! After the woman said for some time: "Why not give birth to
another baby ?!" Have you ever met the guy who says, "Well, embedding-ka me in
the balls still a time ?!"

Orig: Большинство женщин утверждает, что нет ничего больнее родов! А как же
удар по яйцам?! Спустя какое-то время женщина говорит: "А почему бы не родить
еще одного ребенка?!" Вы когда-либо встречали мужика, который скажет: "А ну,
врежь-ка мне по яйцам еще разочек?!"

~~~
sologoub
My stab at translating:

Most women say that there is nothing as painful as giving birth! But what
about a kick in the balls?! After awhile, a woman may say: "Why don't we have
another baby?" But have you ever heard a man say: "Alright, why don't you kick
me in the balls on more time?!"

Honestly, this sounds pretty stupid in both Russian and English...

------
nborwankar
Long line outside the general store in Moscow. Manager comes out and addresses
the crowd "Comrades I have good news and bad news. Bad news we have no more
toilet paper. Good news we have no food either"

------
atemerev
Back in USSR, everyone thought that it is KGB who tracks these jokes and those
who spread them.

Who knew it was CIA all the time? :)

~~~
sashav
It's "all along". Not "all the time" ))) ex. Who knew it was the CIA all
along?

~~~
skue
"All the time" isn't that far off. "All this time" is more idiomatic, but the
parent poster's meaning is still quite clear.

------
GigabyteCoin
I understood every single joke on that list except this one:

>A man goes into a shop and asks "You don't have any meat?". "No," replies the
sales lady. "We don't have any fish. It's the store across the street that
doesn't have any meat."

I just don't get it at all... is it just a bad joke?

I understand that stores ran out of products in that situation, but if you
just had to walk across to street to get what you were after, that doesn't
really seem like a joke at the expense of the communist government.

~~~
llukas
You would if you lived in a country where merchandise was available
infrequently. Stores often were empty of any wares - so fish store is empty of
fish and meat store is empty of meat. ;)

~~~
eschutte2
Thanks. "No, this is the empty fish shop. The empty meat shop is across the
street."

~~~
koliber
Right on.

There is another level of nuance in the joke though. You need to have had
spent some time in a Eastern European country. Everyone is a stickler for
rules, details, and knowing the "correct" answer, even if in practice, in a
given situation, it makes no difference at all.

This joke brings out that quality very nicely.

------
leephillips
These jokes aren't bad. What is the story? Are these genuine Russian jokes, or
jokes inserted there by the CIA?

~~~
gcb0
The question is why jokes were classified!

~~~
mandelbulb
Isn't it obvious? All information can be used against you. So if the targeted
entity knows what you're training your agents with to appear like natives
citizens, you can change that context or create traps.

In other words, they were classified because they were in use by the CIA not
due to being somehow special.

------
pgtan
here is a bulgarian one: electricity and water meet in a typical socialist
apartment building. Sorry, I'm here only up to the second floor, says the
water. No need to excuse, says the electricity, I'm here only for two hours.

------
CamMacFarlane
Best cold war "joke":

[https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/0/01/ReaganBe...](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/0/01/ReaganBeginsBombingRussia.ogg)

Found from searching for more like OPs

~~~
quirkafleeg
The Soviet "joke" in response:

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bN5wL1nw7XA](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bN5wL1nw7XA)

~~~
partiallypro
"One official speculated, the Russian might have been drunk."

Solid bet.

------
krzrak
The real question is: why CIA had classified Russian jokes on their file?

~~~
cooper12
Well the title is "Soviet Jokes for the DDCI", where DDCI seems to stand for
"Deputy Director of the Central Intelligence (Agency)". My guess is they had
someone compile them for their use and they were just classified by default
along with the other documents of the office.

~~~
mmjaa
"Tell us some Soviet secrets or we will make you LAUGH!"

------
jbuzbee
If collecting jokes tells you what the "common man" is thinking, the Russian
intelligence agencies must be having a field-day with the current situation in
the US...

------
rbanffy
My mom leaked many of these secret jokes to me when I was a kid.

------
cm2187
A lottery at the French communist party's fair ( _fete de l 'humanite_). The
first prize is a week of holidays in Moscow. The second prize is two weeks in
Moscow, the third three weeks...

\---

A European tourist discuses with a Cuban local.

\- How is life under Fidel Castro?

\- I can't complain

\- Interesting, so not that bad

\- Well, I really cannot complain

\---

Alexander the Great, Caesar and Napoleon are watching a Soviet military
parade:

\- If only I had soviet tanks, said Alexander, I would have been invincible

\- If only I had soviet planes I would have conquered the whole world says
Caesar

\- If only I had the Pravda, no one would ever have heard about Waterloo says
Napoleon

\---

A young officer waits in front of Stalin's office for his audience. The door
slams open and Marechal Joukov, furious, leaves the office grumbling
"cockroach with a moustache". Introduced to Stalin, the young officer says it
is his duty to report what he heard. Stalin calls back Joukov and asks him
"what did you mean by cockroach with a moustache?". Joukov: "I was refering to
Hitler of course". Stalin then turns to the officer: "who did _you_ think he
was referring to?"

\---

A discussion at the goulag:

\- what are you here for?

\- for being lazy

\- how is that?

\- we had a few drinks with some friends then we started telling each others
political jokes. I went home and before going to sleep, I thought I should
report what happened to the KGB first thing in the morning. Well, my friends
went to the KGB that same evening.

\---

Why are there always 3 miliciens? One who can read, one who can write, and
another to watch these dangerous intellectuals.

\---

East German joke: why does toilet paper always have a double sheet? Because
one copy always must be sent to Moscow.

\---

Do you prefer socialist or capitalist hell? Socialist of course, either they
run out of matches, or there is a fuel shortage, or the devils are away at a
party meeting.

\---

Tito asks his chauffeur to stop the car to discuss with a peasant on the side
of the road.

\- where are you going, asks Tito

\- just shopping, I will buy a few suits, several pairs of shoes and a new
car. And my wife asked me to bring a few other things back: a fridge, a
washing machine and a new TV

\- you must be very wealthy

\- I am, this is the socialist miracle

\- that's right, and you know who I am? You owe all that to me!

\- oh, you are comrade Tito? I am sorry I didn't recognize you. With this big
car I thought you were an american journalist

------
jumasheff
Why on Earth these jokes had been classified?

~~~
jmnicolas
Because spies are paranoid and rather classify everything than inadvertently
let something important out.

~~~
RobertoG
Okay, the, why they collected them?

~~~
Declanomous
Jokes are subversive.

------
gozur88
Some of these seem more like jokes the CIA would have liked to have Russians
tell each other more than jokes they _actually_ told each other.

~~~
nottorp
\- Most jokes are plausible, and pretty good.

\- If you believe the CIA had anything to do with this document, I have a
bridge in San Francisco I'd like to sell you...

------
phs318u
Say what you will about the current political situation in the US, Donald
Trump has been an absolute gift to comedians.

[http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/Donald-Trump/ss/Best-
Dona...](http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/Donald-Trump/ss/Best-Donald-Trump-
Jokes.htm#showall)

And in the interests of "balance":

[http://jokes4us.com/celebrityjokes/barackobamajokes.html](http://jokes4us.com/celebrityjokes/barackobamajokes.html)

~~~
mixedCase
Reading both links I have no doubt that both Democrats and Republicans wasted
all their good jokes on their political platforms.

------
nabla9
This is the best Russian joke/story I have heard, it's not political:

During the conversation among the newly found friends one of the teachers
(lets call him Dmitriy Petrovich) mentiones that it is a medical fact, that it
is impossible to take a light bulb out of ones mouth once it was inserted
there. This meets active disbelief of his two opponents who start questioning
him as to what kind of light bulb he means and how come you cannot take it
out, if you can put it in. Dmitriy Petrovich replies, that he is talking about
a standard 100 Watt light balbs such as the one lighting their room, but
lacking medical education he doesn't know the reason for not being able to
remove it. Discussion heats up, and at some point one of his opponents desides
that an experiment is necessary.

Mind you, that all of the teachers in the room are PhDs in various fields of
exact science. Obviously not one of them is a medic. The light bulb is then
removed and the most loud opponent (lets call him Vladimir) puts it into his
mouth. In a few seconds it becomes clear that Dmitriy Petrovich was right, and
it is quite impossible for Vladimir to remove the light balb due to peculiar
clenching of jaw muscles.

After a short discussion the three friends decide to get Vladmir to a doctor.
They get out of the hotel, and stop a cab. They drive to the hospital where
they have to relate the story of the accident to the night nurse, who, after
almost choking herself with giggles, calls the ER doctor. The doctor carefully
examines Vladimir, and unexpectedly hits him with his fist in the back of the
jaw. Vladimirs jaw falls open and the doctor returns the light bulb to Dmitriy
Petrovich, explaining that Vladimir is not going to be able to use his mouth
for a couple of hours due to the over stressed jaw muscles.

The three teachers get back into a cab and start driving home, when the third
teacher starts complaining that the other two are playing him for a fool, that
this is medicaly impossible for such phenomenon to exist and that he is about
to prove it. He puts the light bulb into his mouth, the cab makes a U-turn and
speeds back to the hospital. At the hospital, the nurse starts giggling when
the three men enter the emergency room, and after hearing their new story
falls of her chair laughing. After a little while she calls the surgeon, who
chuckles, hits the 3rd teacher in the back of the jaw and removes the light
balb.

The cab has left, so the three friends catch another one. Dmitriy Petrovich
gets noto the front seat and puts his mute friends with their jaws hanging
open in the back. Cab driver is mildly surprised by the unusual company of an
obviously drunk giggling man and two others looking ilke village idiots, and
asks about it. Dmitriy Petrovich asures teh driver that the other two are not
idiots, but most educated people and the problem is their small argument about
a light balb. After carefully listening to the whole story the driver asks
what kind of light bulb is he talking about, and Dmitriy shows the hotel light
bulb saying "this one". "Impossible" says the cab driver and in a few seconds
the cab turns around and goes to the hospital.

When the nurse sees these guys the 3rd time inside 2 hours, she starts having
rather serious breathing difficulties trying to laugh much harder then mother
nature designed. After getting her in shape Dmitriy Petrovich makes her call
the surgeon who, promptly hitting the cab driver in the jaw takes the light
bulb and smashes it on the table saying that this should put an end to the
story. The four men get back into the cab and drive to the hotel.

On the way they are stopped by the road patrol police unit. The policeman
(militianer) is very surprized to find that the only person able to speak in a
car full of people is a rather drunk man who tells him a wierd story about
light balbs. "I will be right back" replies the policeman, goes back to the
road side station, Dmitriy and companions whatch the ligh go off inside the
station, and in a few seconds the policeman appears again. Using gestures he
asks people on the back seat to move over. A metal end of a light bulb is
sticking out of his mouth.

The cab goes back to the hospital. The nurse becomes hysterical with joy.
After a few minutes of recuperation she goes to the cabinet of the surgeon to
call him. She opens the door and falls to the floor unconscious. In the
doorway appears the surgeon with his jaw hanging wide open.

see also:

[http://diaryru.com/blog/funrussia/man-light-bulb-his-
mouth](http://diaryru.com/blog/funrussia/man-light-bulb-his-mouth)

[http://englishrussia.com/2011/08/23/how-to-get-a-light-
bulb-...](http://englishrussia.com/2011/08/23/how-to-get-a-light-bulb-out-of-
the-mouth/)

------
kchoudhu
Cold War humor was an odd beast. I came across this book in my father's
collection a while back:

[http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/3536429-no-laughing-
matte...](http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/3536429-no-laughing-matter)

It's a hoot.

------
zmix
This one is about propaganda:

Pravda's (the main press organ of the USSR) headline:

"The Great Republic of the Soviet Union has scored 2nd in an international
competition of car-building nations. Just right behind the USA."

The rest of the message was withheld: There were only two nations taking part
in that competition.

------
ssebastianj
This somewhat reminds me to the "The Funniest Joke in the World" by Monty
Python:
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Funniest_Joke_in_the_World](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Funniest_Joke_in_the_World)

------
sAbakumoff
Wow, the joke that ends up with "I can stand in front of Kremlin and yell To
Hell With Ronald Reigan too" is the famous one. One can even find the
references to it nowadays in Russian blogs. CIA is good!

~~~
ommunist
Abakumoff was a top KGB general, did you know that?

~~~
sAbakumoff
Yes of course. One of the most frightening moments of my life was when a
colonel in the Military Commissariat glanced at my dossier and said
"Abakumoff? You are SO going to serve!"

------
JonRB
My understanding is that DDCI stands for 'Deputy Director of Central
Intelligence' \- What would this document have been for?

~~~
datapolitical
Speeches

------
_joel
Obligatory, the funniest joke in the world (weaponized) -
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ienp4J3pW7U](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ienp4J3pW7U)

~~~
binarymax
[https://translate.google.com/#de/en/Wenn%20ist%20das%20Nunst...](https://translate.google.com/#de/en/Wenn%20ist%20das%20Nunst%C3%BCck%20git%20und%20Slotermeyer%3F%20Ja!%20...%20Beiherhund%20das%20Oder%20die%20Flipperwaldt%20gersput)

~~~
boznz
Awesome Google easter-egg

------
jwhitlark
[http://redprimer.com/](http://redprimer.com/)

The red primer for children and diplomats is a good example of this sort of
humor in visual form.

------
known
Sounds like
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sardarji_joke](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sardarji_joke)

------
Shivetya
Do a search of youtube for Ronald Reagan doing russian jokes, some were pretty
good

------
JensRantil
I guess those jokes got old..

------
johnhenry
Context?

~~~
nawtacawp
A man is drinking...

------
ommunist
Three men in a platzkart train are telling political jokes on their way to
Moscow. The fourth is coming in and he hisses "Oh my, do not tell those,
you'll be taken". "Oh, come on, man, says one of the three". The alerting guy
than goes to the stewardess and asks for four cups of tea delivered to that
platzkart seats in exactly 4 minutes. Four minutes later he continues to hiss
on his travel companions "Guys, if you won't stop to tell political jokes,
they will take you!", getting the same "Come on, man" in response. "All right
he says, look here". He stands up near the small lamp in the corner and says
"Comrade mayor, four teas to platzkart seats 14, 15, 16 and 17, please". The
stewardess brings the tea. Everyone shuts up, and soon goes asleep. In the
morning, our hero discovers that his three travel companions' seats are empty.
He asks stewardess whether they took off in Tver? "No", the stewardess says,
"they were taken". "And why they did not took me too?". "Because comrade mayor
liked your joke about the tea very much".

~~~
lisivka
Group of CIA agents are thinking about how to invent a joke for Russian
communists. With great struggle they invented a joke about butter. Now, to
test their joke, they secretly landed near a city in Siberia and told their
joke to a men. Men does not laugh. CIA asking — «Are you understanding the
joke? — Yeah, I understand the joke, but what is „butter“?».

~~~
ommunist
This is classy "foreign design", something to counter with a good internally
produced one.

~~~
lisivka
Moscow was supplied much often and better than rest of the towns around
Moscow, and so forth. It was common practice to ride to Moscow to buy
something that is not available locally. Moscow was number 1 in supply line,
Moscow region and capital cities of other republics was number 2, European
cities are number 3, rest was number 4 or (in practice) even lower, so it was
expected that someone in Siberia, far far away from Moscow, never saw a good
quality product for his whole life. Butter was example of high quality
product, while margarine was low quality substitute which was widely
available.

~~~
ommunist
Dear, I am married to a girl from Omsk, and my son was born there. I know very
well, that muscovites never had a glimpse of riches taiga and rivers provides
to those living in Siberia. Good quality products were always abundant as the
Sun there. You just had to know the right people.

------
ommunist
Yes, the USSR was so secret, that it took decades for CIA to declassify its
mortally dangerous jokes.

However, the "war of jokes" was integral part of the Cold War and do not
underestimate one. There is terrific Russian novel about this battle, it took
off in the late 60-ies.

Very important to know that a class of jokes about Russian Civil War heroes,
Petyka and Vassily Ivanovich Chapaev was a viral campaign set off by the KGB
to combat US/British jokes designed for Russians.

I like this one. "Can you drink a glass of vodka, Vassily Ivanovich?", asks
Petyka. "Sure thing", boss answers. "How about two?" "No problem!" "And how
about a full bucket of vodka?" "You know, it is only Vladimir Ilyich Lenin,
who is capable to drink the full bucket of vodka!"

~~~
lisivka
Yeah, USSR was so weak, so it was child play to kill it with just a joke.

~~~
ommunist
You are missing the point. Most of "political jokes" were psychological
vaccination, produced by KGB for a reason completely different from being a
provocation.

------
guard-of-terra
Most of those aren't particularily funny.

Compare with the good selection from Wikipedia:
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_jokes](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_jokes)

------
ommunist
"What is the difference between the socialism and capitalism? Under capitalism
one man exploits the others. And under socialism its the other way around".

------
cjbenedikt
No jokes about state of US infrastructure? No laughing matter, I guess

~~~
RobertoG
Man, the tittle of this post is "CIA Declassified Coldwar Rusian jokes".

We can joke about the Americans any other day.

Personally, I don't understand yet why this was classified material by de CIA.
I mean, if it was by the KGB that would make some sense.

