
Ask HN: Why keep living? - an_tie_hero
It may be because I live in a country without great access to mental health care (America, in case it wasn&#x27;t obvious), but I went through a very long period of my life where I was horrendously depressed. Suicidal depressed.<p>I won&#x27;t go into the details that led up to this event (I&#x27;m using a throwaway account for a reason!), but basically I had all of my dreams in life shattered and then I dealt with the Department of Justice for a year. The long-term stress robbed me of any self-confidence.<p>I finally got over it last year when I started doing small kind gestures for the people I care about. Volunteering to run errands. Cleaning the dishes. Anything to convince myself with concrete examples that people are happier that I&#x27;m around. Anything to justify not committing suicide.<p>And it worked, until last week when I suddenly started feeling anxious and depressed for no discernible reason. Being kind to others doesn&#x27;t seem to have the same effect this time around, so before my condition gets any worse, I&#x27;d like to ask the community what reasons they have for continuing to live. Maybe I can figure out why I feel so crappy and pre-emptively stave off those inner demons.
======
buro9
I've struggled with the same question and seemingly just to add to my despair
I find I cannot answer the question satisfactorily.

The only reason I do keep living is that I find I can't answer the opposite
question either:

Why _not_ keep living?

At least for that variant many reasons do surface, and whilst none seem
overwhelmingly strong they do allow the question to evolve into:

Why _not_ keep living _a little while longer_?

A deferred decision as I've found no strong answers either way.

I suspect that living a long life is to just not have strong answers either
way and to discover that time has passed and now you're old.

I don't buy the argument that suicide isn't an option, of course it is. When
despair is all you have, and the future is bleak, it sometimes can appear to
be the only option. Somehow though, a short time later, decision not made,
I've always found myself in some place in which I'm glad I didn't. In which
I've found some peace, some bliss, some joy from life... and doing so has
driven the despair away.

I have no answer for "Why keep living?", but if you are willing to consider
changing things in your life (to get away from the things that bring you
despair) then you can find _some_ answers of varying merit to the opposite
question.

------
WoodenChair
Please seek a mental health professional/suicide hotline/tell a family
member/tell a friend/move somewhere you feel better/do anything to get out of
this state.

That said, there are many good reasons to stay alive: love, pleasure, personal
connections, contentment, spirituality. You may not have any of these now, but
you must acknowledge the possibility that they will happen for you in the
future. Even people in the worst of circumstances are able to sometimes find
these things. Hope for a better day must stay alive.

~~~
an_tie_hero

        """
        ... a mental health professional ...
        """
    

I'm afraid that I can't afford that option financially. I probably won't be
able to in the immediate future (next 5 years), either.

~~~
ProAm
Most professionals will find a way to make this work, or have a sliding scale.
If you are serious about getting help you need to try.

Life is what you make it to be, it's unique to each of us. I can tell you why
I find it worth living but it probably wont mean much to you, or anyone else
because its my path. It seems as if you have found a little bit of enjoyment
from making others happy, Id recommend you pursue that further. Everyone needs
a passion, something that they enjoy and drives them but its never easy to
find it. All I can say it keep putting one foot infront of the other and put
effort into finding your path. My comment is obtuse and I apologize for it,
all I can say is everyone walks their own path and its not always easy.

~~~
an_tie_hero

        My comment is obtuse and I apologize for it, all I can say is everyone walks their own path and its not always easy.
    

No, your comment was perfectly okay. I was just stating that for everyone
reading this thread to know.

------
BuckRogers
Why? Your eventual answer may be different from mine, but my character is a
really stubborn SOB. I say keep living because to take you down will take
being ran over by a Mack truck.

I've had my confidence shattered as well. It happens and can take years to
recover it. I for one, am going out kicking and screaming. You've made it this
far, saying "f the world" isn't offing yourself. It's bitterly going down to
the last round.

I told my boss at work that my gravestone will never say "he was afraid to
speak up for himself" or "he was afraid to take his shot". Because I'm not
going out quietly, nor am I living meekishly. Speak out when you sense
injustice. Join me, make yourself and presence heard.

I'd recommend if you're feeling that down, maybe try a change of scenery. Go
to Costa Rica or someplace in Mexico, sit on the beach for weeks and drink
beer. Find someone to have sex with, even if you have to pay for it. Use a
rubber.

There's no way it's impossible for you to snap out of this. You can, and you
will. I hope my words help you.

------
everyone
Seeing as your posting here I'll assume you are of a logical bent.

One of the only certainties in life is that you will ultimately die. So why
hasten it? You may as well just continue existing, you'll definitely die
eventually.

Lets consider our lives like a video game, the score you get at the end is the
sum total of all the happiness and joy you've experienced in your life.

Even if nothing good happens in all the decades of the rest of your natural
life, that time would still not affect your score, neither a net loss or a net
gain.

Also, this is an incredibly unlikely scenario. Moments of joy an happiness do
have a tendency to happen to humans over time, so if you try to live as long
as possible your almost certain to increase your score.

I know at times it may seem like you will never again experience joy, but you
can refute this by finding examples of times when you felt like you would
never again experience joy, and then subsequently _did_ experience some joy.
Even in your short post there is one example.. "I went through a very long
period of my life where I was horrendously depressed" followed by.. "I finally
got over it last year when I started doing small kind gestures for the people
I care about."

Also in the meantime, you could occupy yourself by achieving and adhering to a
strict daily regimen: have a normal sleeping pattern, get 20 minutes of
vigorous exercise each day, eat healthily.

It would be a probabilistic miracle for you to _not_ have some amazing moments
ahead of you.

~~~
cjsthompson
Death is not certain, it's just at this point still quite likely. But today
with the rapidly advancing rate of research in medical technology, it is
within the realm of the possible for someone to never die.

------
taylodl
You may be suffering from depression caused by a neurochemical imbalance. My
daughter similarly suffered. It took a frustratingly long time to get
everything sorted out but they eventually determined she had a neurochemical
imbalance and then it took a frustratingly long time to develop a chemotherapy
that worked.

That was a little over a two years ago. Now you wouldn't recognize her because
she's so happy and vibrant - very far from when she was found unconscious
alongside the road as a result of an attempted suicide and taken to the
hospital by a Good Samaritan.

But it hasn't been easy and she couldn't have done it herself. You need
friends and family to help you through this and you need to be brutally honest
with them. Mental health is the least understood health issue. You're correct
that thinking happy thoughts won't make the depression go away. You're correct
that thinking positive thoughts won't make the depression go away. You're sick
and you need medical help. It's no different from having cancer or an
abscessed tooth - you're sick and you need medical assistance, and you need a
patient advocate because mental healthcare in the United States is appalling.

Good luck and remember you're not alone. Many people have beat this illness
and you can too!

------
ariabuckles
I've been through some of this myself, and have several friends who've gone
through it as well.

I cannot recommend finding a good cognitive-behavioural therapist enough.
Cognitive behavioural therapy with a good therapist actually helps; I've seen
it with other people and myself.

Outside of that, personally I've that while external validation like you're
trying can be nice, it doesn't always fight off intrinsic issues. For short
term things, I've found going back to things I know I enjoy or used to enjoy
helpful--finding friends I haven't hung out with in a while, or a videogame I
know I like to play, or a favourite TV show, or a personal project I used to
care about. I usually don't want to do these things before I start, but find
they're easier to get back into than I expect.

This can be really tough, and I'm sorry you're going through it. But it is
something you can get through!

But please find a good therapist (who lists cognitive behavioural therapy as
something they specialize in)! And if the first person you find isn't someone
you like, try another. I promise there are wonderful ones out there!

------
DanBC
Suicidal thinking is always something you need to see a good doctor for. A
woman finding a small hard lump in the breast or a man finding a small hard
lump on a testicle would see a doctor right away. I know you say you can't
afford it but you need to talk to a doctor before you say you can't afford it.

Anxiety and depression respond well to cognitive behaviour therapy. Ideally
this is done with an experienced qualified registered therapist but it's
possible to do it yourself by book or website.

"Mind over Mood" is a good, recommended, book.
[http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0898621283/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=...](http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0898621283/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1424597478&sr=8-1&keywords=mind+over+mood&dpPl=1&dpID=51zVSmuel-L&ref=plSrch&pi=AC_SY200_QL40)

A websearch for the English "books on prescription" scheme will return curated
lists of good books.

"Mood Gym" is a recommended website.
[https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome](https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome)

But it is most important that you see a doctor.

~~~
an_tie_hero
Sorry, I don't live in Silicon Valley where everyone has a six figure salary
and the solution for feeling bad is to see a doctor. So many of the reasons
why I don't stem from money issues, but also time issues (I'll probably never
get days off, vacation time, etc. at my current gig, and that eats up 11-13
hours per day including travel because of the bus system here).

~~~
DanBC
You asked for advice. Seeking medical attention for a medical condition is
good advice. What you do with that advice is up to you. You're free to ignore
that advice. But you shouldn't dismiss it for bogus reasons; just be honest
and say that you don't want to see a doctor.

~~~
an_tie_hero
I'm sorry you think the undisclosed circumstances of my life are bogus and
that I am a dishonest person. From a throwaway account to hide my identity,
there's no possible defense I can mount against an accusation of dishonesty.
But my circumstances aren't as simple as "do I want to see a doctor? [y/n]"

~~~
igravious
I know you're in a bad place at the moment so you may find it a little hard to
get some perspective on some of the advice you're being given.

Let's say, for argument's sake, that one of the underlying factors with you is
neurochemical or at any rate neurological. This isn't an unwarranted
assumption because we know that the hopelessness that you feel is in your mind
(I don't mean imagined, I mean that these are mental states) and we know the
mind is the brain. Your circumstances (money-related, time-related)
notwithstanding it seems like really really good advice to go see someone who
does brain-stuff, either a doctor or a counsellor.

DanBC is _not_ saying that the undisclosed circumstances of your life are
bogus - he is saying that using the (undisclosed) circumstances of your life
as excuses or _reasons_ for not seeking professional help is bogus. And
without sounding harsh, I'd have to agree. I'm sure there are at least some
kind of charitable organisations out your way that'll see you free of charge
(and if these conflict with your hours of work and you can't possibly take a
day off) then there are 24-hour (toll-free) helplines, websites, what have
you.

If you really feel that you are in a hopeless situation and you're
contemplating an irreversible act then don't you owe it to yourself to
thoroughly investigate every option?

There are many times that I didn't and many years later I now wish I had;
could have spared me a lot of suffering and pain.

------
juliob
Well, life is absurd. So to be honest there's not much reason to live.

However, during the time that I'm still here, whenever I feel like crap, I
blame myself. If my thoughts are depressing me, then it's my job to change the
thought patterns. Committing suicide seems like a cop-out to me. If it's to
escape pain, I have to ask: where does the pain come from? Who made up the
rules that I should be happy about this and that and I should be unhappy about
this and that? Is it society? Is it my family? Nature? Well, if it were up to
me, I'd rewrite the rules so that I win. And ultimately, I have to remember
that it is in fact up to me to feel good or not.

Easier said than done, but this is the outlook that makes me reject feeling
like crap. Remember, your thoughts don't define you. Just because you're the
one thinking certain thoughts doesn't mean you should accept them all: pick
and choose which ones you allow and which ones you should consider alien.
Negative thoughts can be ignored, they can be changed. Meditation. Cognitive
Behavioral Therapy. Travel to foreign lands.

------
Intermernet
Excuse the cheesy line, but this life is all you've got. Don't throw it away.

My parents were murdered just under 10 years ago. I have spent the last decade
fighting depression, PTSD, and a society that doesn't know how to deal with
extreme emotional effects. I feel like I'm finally getting out of that hole.
It has taken a _long time_.

Your recent anxiety sounds like the late effects of PTSD, or some other trauma
related condition. I would highly recommend speaking to a professional
(actually, speak to as many as it takes to find one you like). You aren't
alone, and your condition isn't unique. There will be good advice out there.

As to people being happier when you're around, That's _usually_ a good "life"
metric to check, but in times of personal crisis, you want to think about
_you_. Who are _you_ happiest around? Can you talk to them about your
feelings? If not, can you spend more time with them?

Life is sometimes hard, and "sometimes" can last a long time, but there will
be good bits, then better bits, then eventually, the majority will hopefully
be good.

------
ansible
Maybe you can look at life this way.

The universe is billions of years old. And it will exist for billions of years
more. A long, long time.

And we each exist for a very brief span of time in comparison. Less than an
eyeblink, relative to that.

You have a rare opportunity to live, see, and experience all kinds of things.

The universe will go on long after us. So there is plenty of time to be
dead... later. Plenty of time. No need to rush that.

Live now.

------
tslug
Find a way to spend time with kids. I find kids are consistently better at
knowing how to "be" than adults, and they can help you reset how to perceive
reality.

In my shirt pocket, I always carry stickers from a game I'm working on.
Whenever I bump into a parent wrangling kids, I offer the parent stickers with
this line, "In case these are of some use."

I do not explain they're from my game, nor do they have any branding on them.
It's not about that. It's about making a kid happy with a sticker, and it
works.

They do all kinds of things with them, from sticking them on themselves to
immediately creating stories behind them. The good parents usually remind
their kids to "thank the nice man for the stickers" and then they proceed to
be good kids and deliver perfectly adorable "thank you"'s.

I've seen and done a lot of things, and it'll sound trite, but not nothing can
compare to making a kid smile.

------
corin_
Dear OP, your second user account (an_tye_h3ro) is getting auto-killed, which
you won't notice while logged in, so only people with showdead enabled can see
comments from that account. I've sent an email to HN about it but they're
probably fast asleep right now. Maybe see if you can post on the original
throwaway again?

Additionally, there's a dead comment from streetwiseherc you might want to
read which will show up if you enable showdead in your profile

Hope you feel better soon

edit: I see you noticed just before I commented and posted asking why you've
been shadowbanned - FYI, it's an automatic thing if HN detects a new account
from the Tor network. Mods will normally undo the ban once they notice, if
they think it isn't deserved.

~~~
AYBABTME
Just to clarify so OP doesn't think their being targeted on purpose: new
accounts over Tor are prone to automatic bans.

~~~
an_tye_h3ro
It's times like this that I wish had a botnet lol

------
exacube
I think it's very important to understand and _accept_ that what you are
feeling is not a normal state. I would say try to think focus your efforts on
arriving at the normal state; of being able to feel pleasure and happiness.
Depression is well within the range of human emotion, but you must understand
the other parts of the range, and work towards them! As it has already been
said, it sounds like what you're feeling is chemical, and you should try to
address that -- you can't easily rationalize depression away if its in fact
chemical.

BTW, I am very happy to hear that you've been helping the needy and being
selfless in general :-)!

------
soboleiv
TLDR: check out vipassana meditation - it's free and I use it to stay calm.

I'm also from a country without great access to health care(Ukraine) :)

My experience is about remembering the moment in my life where I was lying on
the floor, then saying in rattling voice "I've decided to live" and getting on
my feet. Not sure what was the reason to live before that :)

Now it's probably more about things to look forward to. Mine thing is hanging
out with children(they're so energetic!). If you're on hacker news, you
probably know some programming, if so maybe volunteering as a teacher for an
orphanage can be an inspiring thing to do?

------
mping
You seem like a smart fellow. Problem with emotions is that sometimes they
doesn't seem so rational - its hard to figure out whats going on with us.

I would strongly suggest you lean on someone (friends, family, professional, a
suport group) until you can figure out a plan to escape.

To answer your question, my reasons for living is finding happiness from
inside - I try to learn how to be happy when either it's raining or sunny,
rich or poor, single or married - etc.

If you (or anyone!) wants to have a chat my email is my profile.

------
burncycle
If you've got even a little bit of love to give to the world, bud, keep
giving, keep living. In time, it comes back.

But don't just rely on Hacker News. Seek out others, in the flesh, face-to-
face. Get some help. Don't try to feel okay by yourself. There's nothing wrong
with feeling like shit. But there are a lot of people out there who've been
through what you're going through and who want to help. Find someone objective
to talk to -- a therapist, or a support group -- and keep coming back to them
until you get to the bottom of what's going on.

As for me -- my girlfriend of many years is gone. I'm alone, working a job I
don't like, living in a fairly expensive town with no friends who live close
by. Believe me when I say that I've felt like calling it a done deal. I keep
going because there are people out there who've invested in me and who care,
because I have a dog who needs me to walk him every damned day, because I do
have good people in my life, because I do have work to do even if I don't
always like it, and because I've been alive long enough to know that, given
time, the wheel turns 'round.

I won't tell you to cheer up. That's bullshit advice. I will tell you to dig
deep, find something that matters to you, and stick around.

------
kafkian
Life is about the journey, not the destination. I'll give you a quote that
inspired me lately, I found it somehow after trying to track down a similar
Interstellar quote. I like this one better as it describes my nature, that is
probably similar to many other people's nature here, and maybe you if you
identify in the hacker spirit. The quote is, I think, a better version of a
West Wing quote and the person is responding to someone asking what business
do we have to continue in our exploration of space:

"But you go to the moon 'cause it's next. We came out of the cave, went over
the hill, crossed the ocean, pioneered a continent and took to the heavens. We
were meant to be explorers. Explorers, builders and protectors."

I feel I owe it to all the people that preceded us from the cavemen to
Einstein; from the strong to the intelligent, from the brave and daring to the
prudent caretaker, we owe it to the people that innovated and broke with the
past and those that helped preserve it. I feel we owe them to keep pushing
forward and upwards! This is our nature.

Take on an ambitious goal and share it with others, or join someone else's
goal and try to enjoy the journey. If you find your way whatever it may be
you'll look forward to tomorrow!

------
yetanother123
Feeling anxious and depressed for no discernible reason is the definition of
clinical depression/anxiety. Please understand that, just as if you had a foot
cut off and was bleeding profusely, you are acutely sick. Hence you need
professional help. Nothing shameful about that, just like there's no shame in
asking for a doctor to put your broken leg back together.

You would be surprised how common this is, even among "successful" valley
founders.

Good luck. Get help today.

------
quonn
> basically I had all of my dreams in life shattered [...]. The long-term
> stress robbed me of any self-confidence.

The following might apply to you or not - you have to decide yourself: You
might have connected your self-confidence to your goals or dreams or success
and are possibly also comparing yourself to others (jealousy). You need to let
go of all that, since love for life is at the very bottom of everything, and
does not come by struggling for it. There are countless reasons to live, as
you have surely experienced before - you just can't see them right now. This
will change eventually, and it's worth to stick around to get to see it. So
that's one thing. The other thing is the situation you find yourself in, which
you still might want to improve. To do that without becoming depressed, try to
reserve a fixed amount of time to work toward any goals, without becoming
attached to them. Just put in the effort every day for a fixed amount of time.
If the things you want to change can't be changed by working towards them, you
need to let them go, too.

Does this ring a bell? If not, each depression is different - and I hope some
of the other comments help you.

------
mindfully_yours
You mention a) _return_ of depressive episodes, b) no funds.

For a):

There's a method that was developed recently by a couple of very qualified
people, specifically to overcome the problem of the _relapse_ of depression.
It's based on the practice of "Mindful meditation" and the book (with CD) is
called "The Mindful Way Through Depression". The program lasts 8 weeks. You'll
do exercises everyday and you'll learn the tool(s) to stop any relapse right
when it threatens to take over your life again. And there's scientific proof
that this program actually really does re-wire your brain:
news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2011/01/eight-weeks-to-a-better-brain/

For b):

Here are the gems:

The audio files you'll need to do the exercises:
[https://thepiratebay.se/torrent/4180277/Mindful_Way_Through_...](https://thepiratebay.se/torrent/4180277/Mindful_Way_Through_Depression_-
_Guided_Meditation_Practices)

The book (pdf) you'll need to read:
[http://www.torrentz.com/3935b3cbcfc33c14d45fa8eefada3210347b...](http://www.torrentz.com/3935b3cbcfc33c14d45fa8eefada3210347ba7fa)

------
beedoo
Dear Soul,

Above all else, please remember that this will always be true: No matter what
"IT" is that shattered your dreams or caused your run-in with the law or
brought about your recent upset, IT IS TEMPORARY AND WILL PASS. Everything
passes...time, sadness, and yes, even the good times. But please know that you
will only experience happiness from within when you understand that these
things are temporary.

YOU AND YOU ALONE are the master of your world because only you can change
your perception of what goes on around you. Once you accept that these
negative experiences are temporary AND you have the ability to DECIDE whether
these TEMPORARY things are going to cost you the most Precious gift you've
been given (life), then you'll have no more thoughts of suicide. You'll
understand how your life is worth living AND you'll begin to see how your
absence would impact the lives of those you love.

Think back to when you were a child and got hurt. Did that physical pain last
forever? This won't either...

Take care of you. YOU are PRECIOUS and you are LOVED.

~~~
an_tie_hero

        """
        Once you accept that these negative experiences are temporary . . . then you'll have no more thoughts of suicide.
        """
    

I don't think it really works like that. You can't just tell yourself, "It
isn't so bad, things will get better," then ALAKZAM! those feelings disappear.

------
thret
Curiosity really. Things will happen in the next 50 years that I'd like to
learn/know/see/do, and something (life) is better than nothing (death). Even
if I knew in that all the broader goals of my life I would fail and be
miserable, I'd still derive some pleasure from reading and learning and just
observing humanity as a whole. Allie Brosh wrote two excellent blogs about
depression that you may enjoy (or at least relate to, my partner swore this
was the best explanation for her depression):
[http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com.au/2011/10/adventures-...](http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com.au/2011/10/adventures-
in-depression.html)
[http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com.au/2013/05/depression-...](http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com.au/2013/05/depression-
part-two.html)

------
b6
Hey, I was sad to hear how you feel, but really glad you said something.

I've been feeling pretty down, too. In the past there were times I felt so bad
that the main thing stopping me from hurting or killing myself was that I
couldn't bear to hurt my parents. They're great people, who already suffered
the loss of their other child, through no fault of theirs.

But I know from experience that it can turn around very quickly. There have
been times when my life has gone from hopeless to better than I ever imagined
it could be, and I was really happy, and every day was an adventure.

It happened before, and I'm trying every day to make it happen again. The pain
I've been going through will have been converted to subtley, and depth of
character, and strength, and fuel for humor, and the problems I have now will
seem small. Just don't give up! We only find the answers when we're still
looking for answers.

------
jurassic
I won't diminish your feelings by claiming this is a total solution, but
getting regular exercise has really helped me come back from the place of
despair I was in a few months ago. You don't need to be fit; I definitely
wasn't. Something as simple as walking for an hour or two a day is free and
has huge benefits; it'll get you up and outside of your normal environment,
shake up your routine/rut, improve your sleep and hopefully help get you some
of those feel-good chemicals pumping again. Any weight loss or fitness gains
are a nice self-esteem boosting cherry on top.

I enjoy listening to audiobooks and podcasts while I'm out doing my daily 6
miles. Is there a book you really like, or one you've been really wanting to
read? Get the audiobook and commit to a walking experiment for the 10-20 hours
it takes to listen through that one book.

------
tossaway1273798
> when I suddenly started feeling anxious and depressed for no discernible
> reason

This sounds chemical! Medication helped me, try it!

~~~
quailman
Medication is a luxury some people literally can't afford. I'm one of them.

------
feybay
I have so many things I haven't done yet. I have so many people I haven't met
yet.

Life is a short and most likely one time thing. We might as well see what we
can make of it and who we can impact in a positive way.

Please talk to your friends and family if you start having harmful thoughts.

------
cogburnd02
Call this number right now. Right now. 1 (800) 273-8255

~~~
an_tie_hero
I will not be calling any strange number until I've found a way to make truly
anonymous phone calls (e.g. something in the realm of RedPhone + onion routing
like Tor).

~~~
cogburnd02
Eh, okay I get what you mean, then at least read this; it's gotten me through
some tough times:

[http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/](http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/)

~~~
an_tye_h3ro
Post limit hit. New account, it is! (Also, Tor :D)

I've actually already read this before, years ago when I was at my worst.

------
__xtrimsky
My two cents:

Try meditating (specifically with the HeadSpace app if you own a smartphone).
Meditating helps you concentrate on the present instead of thinking of the
past. For example when I take a walk outside, it helps me appreciate it a lot
more even if its cold and uncomfortable. And I don't spend time thinking of
useless stuff like I should have worked more at school, or I should have done
this and that.

Now you can try this app for free, but I think after 10 courses you have to
pay for it. I have a 3 months trial coupon if you want, just contact me
through my personal website and I'll send you a coupon:
[http://andrei.pervychine.com](http://andrei.pervychine.com)

------
dropit_sphere
"All human wisdom is contained in these two words: wait and hope."

Sorry man, that's all I got.

~~~
an_tie_hero
Thanks for trying :)

~~~
navinp1912
>>>I won't go into the details that led up to this event<<<<

Fix the problem and then go ahead and do whatever you want. Atleast you would
be helping one other person. One you have crossed the line, there are no
rules,nothing to stop you. Problems are created by people or a group of
people. Fix the problem and you will watch problems run to the hills. Yes you
will have to pay a price for all this.

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5UBikauIQM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5UBikauIQM)

[http://codepad.org/LMNJWE6X](http://codepad.org/LMNJWE6X)

They say "Life is suffering". You want to choose to the easy route or the hard
way, i leave it upto you.

Read upon Irom Sharmila.If you can do that , you are beyond anything. Nothing
can stop you.

------
hoffcoder
Well, there seems to be no ultimate purpose. Life will take whatever purpose
you want to give it. No purpose, if it gives you happiness, is a less perfect
purpose. It could be a simple or complex reason, but its aptness will only
depend on its ability to motivate you / make you happy and nothing else. We
are but a speck of dust in the unraveling of the universe, and there is no
less or more important purpose if we consider the scale at which we exist. We
all have risen from this earth, and to it we shall return in time. But for the
time we are here, let's not squander away our precious time. Let's do
something to make it count for ourselves.

------
soboleiv
TLDR: check out vipassana meditation - it's free and I use it to stay calm.

I'm also from a country without great access to health care(Ukraine) :)

My experience is about remembering the moment in my life where I was lying on
the floor, then saying in rattling voice "I've decided to live" and getting on
my feet. Not sure what was the reason to live before that :)

Now it's probably more about things to look forward to. Mine thing is hanging
out with children(they're so energetic!). If you're on hacker news, you
probably know some programming, if so maybe volunteering as a teacher for an
orphanage can be a nice thing to do?

------
vijucat
Get up, get ready, have breakfast, and start writing. Write in your journal /
diary every day (it has to be pen / pencil and paper, not keyboard-based
online journal; not sure why it works that way). Even if you think there is
nothing to write / say; you will be very surprised once the pen touches the
paper. Then take a long walk. This combination helps a lot. It draws out the
thoughts that may be under the radar of your consciousness and whose
expression provides relief.

Summary : Write. Long walk.

All the best, man. I can only imagine what State-persecution does to a person.

~~~
manmukh
> it has to be pen / pencil and paper, not keyboard-based online journal

Does anyone know why this is? I've seen this sentiment quite a few times now.

~~~
vijucat
I'd be interested in this, too. It is ridiculous the number of times I sat
down with the feeling that there is nothing new to write, only to get up an
hour or so later with my hand paining from having written / drawn continuously
for pages and pages!

In fact, I am worried that OP, seemingly an accomplished hacker, will not heed
my advice and try just typing or maybe OneNote. OP, I spent $2000 on a tablet
PC with OneNote + pen to realize that it simply isn't even in the same league
as good old writing.

manmukh, one reason this seems to the case is that writing is a slow-bandwidth
activity, and _forces_ the mind into what I call "walking mode", i.e., it is
well-known that walking fosters creativity by putting one in this special
floating / limbo state of mind where new thoughts and new connections arise
naturally. Writing seems to provoke the same state of mind by being slow! It
is as if the mind goes to take a walk while the hand finishes it's duty of
serializing the last bunch of thoughts...:-)

------
staunch
Bettering yourself, by constantly learning and experiencing new things, can be
a great part of life.

Read some of the great books that exist in the world. They contain amazing
thoughts that might change your entire mindset.

------
fusiongyro
I think you should get help. You either have health insurance now, or you
qualify for a lot of government help. Almost everywhere in America now has
some kind of mental health intervention. Please, go and look. Do not assume
that you won't be able to afford it. Most clinics won't turn you away for that
reason anyway.

Your depression is like an adversary, trying to kill you, and it is feeding
you wrong thoughts. Some of them are obvious, depriving meaning from
meaningful things, and some of them are not obvious, like the idea that you
cannot get help for one reason or another. But it's just another tactic for
your adversary.

I would guess that you need some friends. Having a "support network" is
important. If you had one, you wouldn't be reaching out to strangers on HN.
But, look at it this way—I haven't logged in to leave a comment in a year and
a half, and I did for you. And you have two other people leaving comments, so
clearly you are interesting enough to make some friends. So I would recommend
you try and do that.

The rest of my advice is probably useless, but I'll say it anyway.

Sometimes when I get depressed I fantasize about going somewhere remote and
just living in a cabin or something. I'm sure I'd be awful at it, but you
know, if your alternative is killing yourself, you might as well try it. At
least that way you can die of something exotic. Would you rather die because
you were trying something dangerous in the hopes of enjoying it, or because
you decided to call it quits early? Have you tried freighthopping? If you're
going to kill yourself, you might as well get a free trip or two out of it.
You might as well go down to the dangerous part of town and get into a fight.
You might as well, I dunno, get an awful job like helping people move that
pays rather well and blow it all on something frivolous.

I dunno. I suffer from depression myself but haven't been suicidal in a long
time. The thing is that it's a disease, and treating your mood is treating the
symptom. You probably need medication and counseling to treat the disease. But
for me, a major turning point was regarding the negative thoughts as something
adversarial, a manifestation of the disease, rather than just "truth." Another
thing that helped me was that I had the faith that if I did kill myself, I
would be depriving someone of their soulmate. Corny. But it's the truth, it
helped me a lot. And now I know I was right to have faith in that.

I don't know. This probably isn't constructive. Try lots of things and talk to
lots of people about it. Don't give up.

Oh, and get some sunlight (or vitamin D). And avoid street drugs. Ecstasy in
particular can cause this.

------
swombat
Most of what was worth saying has been said already, so I'll just add a simple
stone to the growing pile of rocks/comments that symbolise the fact that we
care and want you to get better. This strange state of mind you're in will
pass, one way or another. There are people around the world who, without even
knowing you personally, empathise deeply and genuinely care about your
continued existence.

You're not alone, though it may feel like that some time.

Every day that you continue to exist is a victory for all of us.

------
vishaldpatel
Why keep living? Because it sure beats not-living. You'll have plenty of time
to not live after you're not alive anymore. You might as well try out living
while you're still alive.

Anxiety sucks. Personally, I tend to feel more anxious when I haven't been
taking care of the basics - eating right, getting regular exercise, working on
the things I told myself I'd work on, etc.. getting plenty of sleep etc.

The heart can be a fragile thing. You have to keep reminding it that
everything will be alright.

------
kvantomme
Why keep living?

Because life is the master of all games, it's incredibly hard, but as long as
you don't physically die there is always a new life waiting for you to start
once you push that reset button.

There is nothing that compares to it, no other game is as rich, as deep and
complex with endless opportunities for improvisation.

Have you ever played a game that you can't possibly win, but you kept trying,
fighting, again and again, with a grin on your face because it was so epic?
This is how life can be, once you let go of the fear of losing. No matter if
everything is burning around you, if it keeps kicking you down, even adversity
can become your power, your scream for meaningfulness in a mad mad world.

I had a really bad year in 2014. Anxiety attacks, dark thoughts, I know what
you are going through. Meditation is what got me through. If you can't afford
therapy you should really try.

Before you reject it of hand, I don't mean you should start believing crazy
things about chakras and other stuff if that is not part of your culture. It
doesn't matter if you are an atheist, a christian or a muslim, or whatever
else, meditation itself is a scientific tool, it's how you become a researcher
of your own mind. Just sit down, and for 20 minutes try to stick with your
breathing. If you can, try to think about any people or things in your life
that you are grateful for. That really does wonders.

I've found a lot of wisdom in Michael Carroll's books, that explain how to
become fearless, using Buddhist teachings but without having to accept
Buddhist dogmas. You can find them: [http://www.amazon.com/Awake-Work-
Practical-Principles-Discov...](http://www.amazon.com/Awake-Work-Practical-
Principles-Discovering/dp/1590302729) [http://www.amazon.com/Fearless-Work-
Confidence-Resilience-Cr...](http://www.amazon.com/Fearless-Work-Confidence-
Resilience-
Creativity/dp/1590309146/ref=pd_sim_b_1?ie=UTF8&refRID=1F72N793YCPFEQQ0S95T)

Lastly, I've experienced a similar relapse after I was doing quite well for
some time. Maybe what you are feeling now is the last fortress of darkness
before everything becomes better again. Keep helping people, you will push
through for sure.

Hope this helps

------
caramelsuit
a few points:

1) You don't know (for absolutely certain) that being dead will be better.
Since it is an irreversible step the risk/payoff is terrible.

2) Death comes for us all eventually, why the hurry? Why go to any effort to
accelerate what is unavoidable. See point 1.

3) There are millions of tiny spots of wonder and brightness all around you
but you have to work a bit to see them. The tiny rainbow in a dewdrop is an
entire world of magic and knowledge but can still be easy to overlook.

4) I totally know where you are coming from, it would be so easy to stop
swimming and just go under. But that is not the nature of life. Life is
struggle & pain, anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something. Embrace
the pain.

5) It has helped me a lot to brainwash my self with a bunch of positive
inputs. A Phineas and Ferb marathon really helped me a few weeks ago when I
was recovering from a physical illness & had slipped into depression in the
wake of a tooth infection. Set myself up a huge collection of upbeat songs
with great lyrics on Spotify.

To quote Candace: "Time is what you make of it, so take a chance. Life is full
of music, so you oughta dance."

------
lufu
I think a lot of us have been through depression or anxiety and at some point
and felt the way you did. In my case several things help me get over my
situation. The first thing is to try not to be alone. Surround yourself with
people you love or that are positive and happy. Next was meditating in my
situation compare to others who might be in a worse situation, for example
with some type of chronical condition or having no food or place to live in.
And finally being thankful to God for the good things you have in life for
example health, a job to maintain a decent living, a family, a beautiful earth
to live in and other things you might not notice that are a blessing to have.
In other words having a spiritual need can bring happiness to ones life. A lot
of the questions we think we don't have an answer to can all be found in the
Bible. People think to look at the Bible just as a spiritual book but it also
contains a lot of practical advice about dealing with anxieties and normal
everyday problems. People all over the world have found happiness from reading
and studying the Bible regardless of their emotional or physical situation. I
hope you can get over your situation but know this, it is easier to deal with
a problem when you know you have the most powerful being in the universe
backing you up. Please take the time and browse this website when you get a
chance jw.org and you can find the answer to the questiom you posted about why
keep living?

------
ojiikun
> I had all of my dreams in life shattered and then I dealt with the
> Department of Justice for a year. The long-term stress robbed me of any
> self-confidence.

Perhaps a slightly different perspective than the prevailing "get talked at,
take drugs, feel 'normal'" advice here: stay weird, stay upset. The key is
turning despair into anger and anger into calm motivation. As with small
gestures, there is happiness to be found in doing right by others. Those who
experience and recognise the evils of their inherited society (including the
corrupt, self-serving legal system) are uniquely suited to motivate change to
said system that will help countless others. If running errands feels good, I
imagine that exerting tears, sweat, and blood towards reforming an
overbearing, abusive legal system will feel even better. Stay weird, stay
motivated, and realise that in appreciating how awful things can get for one
person, you might be able to act and prevent many future persons from
experiencing a like fate.

Write letters, write pamphlets, attend town hall meetings, vote, support non-
corrupt officials, devote time and money to defend the truly innocent. No
matter what, find a way to turn the emotion of your unique history of
experience into a unique motivation to fix the things wrong with the world
that put us where we are today. That drive, that knowledge of what is yet to
be done to do right by the honest individual: that is what keeps saints,
warriors, explorers, and geniuses from giving in to the daemons that plague
all brilliant minds.

------
juliob
Do a free 10-day Vipassana course
[http://www.dhamma.org/](http://www.dhamma.org/)

You've got nothing to lose.

------
fineIllregister
If you are amenable to reading a short non-fiction book, Man's Search for
Meaning by Viktor Frankl discusses this topic exactly. He recounts his
struggles with the same question while trying to survive the Holocaust. As an
added dimension, the author was a highly respected psychologist.

As someone who suffers from mental health disorders, I found it immensely
helpful.

------
mirimir
From what you say, it's totally understandable that you would at times feel
anxious and depressed. There's nothing wrong with that. It's normal. However,
there's a risk of getting stuck in a downward spiral. At some unpredictable
point, you might find yourself in an upward spiral. But that can't happen if
you commit suicide.

------
quailman
This sounds exactly like my situation to a T.

I'll be straightforward: I'd love to chat -- anonymously of course -- in the
hope that we both might benefit. I cooked up a GMail account just for that
reason, which you can find in my profile.

I'll monitor it for the next day or so if you'd accept the offer.

~~~
nrao123
I saw 7Cups of Tea (a YC backed startup) on HN sometime ago offering to
provide listening services. [http://www.7cupsoftea.com/depression-help-
online/](http://www.7cupsoftea.com/depression-help-online/) Have you tried it?

------
geoffbrown2014
The first step out of depression is finding someone to trust. Find a therapist
or a friend. You can determine if a person is trustworthy by how they respond
to your feelings. Do they honor and affirm how you are feeling. Do not carry
this alone, its too much.

------
sidazhou
I havent figured out "the meaning of life" ever since that class i took about
philosophy in high school. Each day I wake up and puzzle about this question.

As stubborn as I am, I will find the answer to this question! Or die trying!

------
forthefuture
I'm not sure about you but I'd like to see as cool of a future as possible,
and that means living a really really long time.

------
balls187
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_Vg4uyYwEk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_Vg4uyYwEk)

------
hippieheadcase
Anti-depressants work and aren't expensive.

------
ocbnet
Hello, formerly suicidal depressed twentysomething replying from an old
throwaway account here.

As you might have noticed, I did found some reasons for continuing to live.

However, I won't tell you! If I told you my reasons, you would find them
trivial because I would talk about my family and friends, I would talk about
beauty of nature, warm bread, long and lonely morning walks, and other blah
blah like this. Also, you might not even need all these things right now to
feel better. The whole point here is not the reason.

I've been locked into my house for about one year because of a major
depression that degenerated into agoraphobia. I whispered my own name and
found it not to be familiar anymore on some nights. No wonder I felt suicidal!

But I kept repeating to myself: "One day I'm going to be fine again. I just
have to hang in there a little bit more". And it worked. That simple thought
gave me something which stands between hope and curiosity. That simple thought
made me feeling prepared to something good. They say you have to be always
prepared to handle bad things, but sometimes we forget to be prepared for good
things! With this in mind, I found the strength to continue living, which
resulted into understanding what was the cause of my depression in the first
place (I won't tell you that either), and then one little step at a time,
whitout even noticing it, I found myself living a happy life (...again).

I'm not a doctor but these practical things helped me a lot feeling AT LEAST
alive during that time:

\- math exercises; there is no way 2 + 2 is going to equal 5, do some simple
math and enjoy the relief of dealing with something that works as expected
everytime

\- keep notes of what you do everyday; depression flattens your days, and it
gets harder for you to distinguish yesterday from the the day before yesterday
and this gets the whole thing harder

\- write down some day-by-day to do list; simple things just to get to the end
of the day with the feeling of having done everything that was supposed to be
done

\- turn off the computer; when in an alienation-prone mood, computers don't
help at all

\- do not expect gratitude from other people; right now your mood cannot
possibly rely on someone else! Do good things and forget about it. You have to
be the only one to know how good you can do right now

And in the end, put yourself first. Yes, I said it, be egoist until you find
out who are you now, what you want now, what you need now, and why you feel so
crappy now. One day you're going to be fine again, you just have to hang in
there a little bit more.

------
codecrusade
There are people out there far more weaker than you- They need your help.
Miles to go before I sleep.

------
scotty79
To see what's next.

------
an_tye_h3ro
Huh, I appear to be shadowbanned now? What gives?

------
known
If you're alive you accomplish something;

------
arisAlexis
because feeling even the worse feelings is superior to dying which feels like
nothing. get your head around this concept.

------
jzellis
I never post on here, but as someone who has struggled with these same
feelings since childhood, I thought I'd offer my perspective.

I've come to look at it like this: depression is like an Instagram filter.
(Wait, just...bear with me.) Go take a picture of a tree outside with
Instagram. Now lower the saturation, pump up the shadows, add vignette edges.
You'll end up with something that looks like a goth album cover. Is it still
an accurate picture of the tree? Yes...but you've chosen which aspects of it
to focus on. You've given it an emotional coloring.

Being depressed is like having that Instagram filter on your entire worldview.
You're not delusional, you're not just imagining that the world sucks...but
your ability to see the full spectrum of things has been limited. And the
worst part is, you can't control when that filter gets slammed down on you.

Sometimes it's situational. Here's a hypothetical for you: if somebody showed
up at your door tomorrow with a check for a billion dollars and the deed to
your own private island where you could go be alone or be surrounded only by
people you wanted around you, do you think you would still be depressed? If
not, then you know the answer: go find a billion dollars and a private island,
obviously. (Go find Peter Thiel and hit him up, he's into big money and
private islands these days, I hear.)

But in all seriousness, if your depression seems tied to circumstance, never
forget that circumstance can change, either on its own or by your own effort
of will. Unless you are actually in prison right now, you can almost always
walk away from where you are and find somewhere else to be. Someone else to
be, in some sense.

But you have to be honest with yourself and willing to admit that maybe you're
not where you're supposed to be, even if you've spent your whole life headed
in this direction. Maybe you'd be better served working as a bartender in some
roadhouse down on the Gulf Coast, or living in a shit apartment doing
sculpture and working part-time as a barista just to afford rent and ramen
noodles. I know people who are perfectly content with the idea of never being
rich or successful, but just doing what they want and not worrying about
whether anybody else gives a shit at all. (I'm becoming one of them myself.)

And there's always the possibility that your depression is, at some point in
the stack, hardware-based -- that you've got a chemical imbalance in your head
meat. And listen, as a longtime freelancer and contractor who's been doing the
startup dance for a real long goddamn time now, I feel you on the medical
thing -- hell, I wrote a book about going to Juarez, Mexico to get my wisdom
teeth fixed because it was cheaper to do it there, including travel expenses,
than to get it done at the dentist down the street. And that shit can be
tricky in America, especially if you're not actually indigent but can't afford
to spend hundreds or thousands of dollars on doctors and medicine. (I think
your income level at that point is legally defined as "between a rock and a
hard place".)

But there are resources. If you live in an urban area there are almost
certainly free mental health resources. You can go and sit in line and find
out if you qualify. It sucks and it's boring and it can make you feel like a
pathetic crazy person, but never forget: that's not about you, that's about
the way the system is set up in this country.

Or look at it another way: if you had diabetes, or a weak heart or your legs
stopped working, wouldn't you do whatever it took to figure out why it was
happening to you and how to stop it, even if it meant sitting in some
overcrowded janky-ass waiting room for a day?

You've got a potentially life-threatening condition that may or may not be
caused by bad wiring. If there's a way to fix it, fix it.

Because here's the thing, sir or madam, and please, _please_ take this from
someone who has spent more than one night staring at a razor blade or a
handful of pills: this is a fucking glorious universe we live in. Really. The
moments when depression leaves me entirely are the moments when I'm just alive
in the world, looking at how ridiculous and amazing it is. I don't kill myself
because I'm not done with the awesome. I'm not done with eating the food and
seeing the cities and sleeping with wonderful ladies and watching the Marvel
Cinematic Universe unfold and listening to all the goddamn rock and roll I
possibly can and just finding nice, quiet places to stare up at the Milky Way
and think about whether or not this is all just one great big algorithm,
playing out over billions of years.

We live in a mystery, homes, and you'll never come to the end of it. But isn't
that worth something?

I hope my advice helps, or at least puts some perspective on things. I don't
know you and probably never will, but I'm rooting for you. You can handle
this. Don't give up. As the writer Neil Gaiman once put it -- and this is
maybe the best advice any human ever gave another -- you don't have to stay
anywhere forever.

Vaya con Dios.

------
Htsthbjig
In my opinion, you don't need reasons for wanting to live: Survival instinct
is the default in the human being. Not wanting to live is the strange thing,
but in Western society (or Asian)it is becoming more and more normal, because
it is easy to not get the basics there.

I have lived in countries like Angola, Uganda, Rwanda with people having 1 /20
of the things what an American has. But they are much happier overall, because
they have more in what makes a life human.

First they have friends and they have family. People in Western societies live
alone, specially in America most people don't have friends at all. They can
live in a McMansion completely isolated from the rest of the world.

"family" for an American means:"your parents" or "your children". For an
African person could mean between 20 to 40 people.

This is an advantage for some things. In the west you could do whatever you
want, without having to convince people in your family that does not
understand, but also is a tremendous disadvantage as you are alone in tough
times.

Americans are puritans, they can't see a breast from a woman. The people that
do, do it for commercial profit reaping the "scandal", like Madonna or MTV
annual prices shows.They could call the cops if they see you making pictures
to a kid smiling on the street(being puritan means they are obsess with sex
and have a tremendous dirty mind).

In Africa sex is normal. There is no such a concept of "possessing another
person" like in the West. In my opinion this alone is pathological creating
hypocrisy and jealously . You see people naked from both sexes taking a bath
in the river, or women breastfeeding their children in public. It is normal
there, like having sex with multiple people(which makes AIDS a great problem).

In Africa you have fantastic weather. Great sun, no winter in most of the
continent. In the West lots of people don't see the sun at all because they
are working all day inside buildings. In places like Boston you can't simply
not live out there in winter, it is too cold.

The food in the US is so preprocessed. People are overweight because the food
they eat is so artificial. Food that have stayed in the fridge or is
industrially processed destroys lots of useful substances(enzymes, co enzymes,
vitamins, fiber and lots of substances that let you incorporate other
substances).

In Africa people is young, lots of kids smiling everywhere. The West is
becoming an older and older society with worries everywhere, fear for the
future.

So I recommend you look at the basics in your live: Do you have friends, love,
exercise, quality food, sleep well, go outside frequently?

Do you work too much or too hard?

If not, you need to change your habits first. Traveling far away is a great
way of being forced to change your habits fast.

Once you have your basics, start using self help material, like books and
videos and learn what works for you. There is amazing material out there, the
problem is knowing what works and what does not.

You can learn meditation, which is basically training for controlling your
internal thoughts. But this is advanced, you first need to have the basics
solved.

------
mc_hammer
been there and heres the shortcut: just work out until you feel better, it
will take 1-2 mo but the feeling is really undescribably worth it and amazing

there are still cool things you can do: skydiving, bungee jumping, fly a
plane, surfing, buy a motorcycle

------
sova
Life is truly miraculous.

Being able to breathe the air or look up at the sky is truly remarkable. Yet,
many people overlook the amazing every day because we have expectations of how
life should go.

In our anticipation of the future or recollections of the past we never quite
nestle into the present unless we are fortunate enough to realize that true
understanding and true contentment come from within.

We all have this amazing experience we are sharing. Life is, indeed,
tumultuous, it is not always easy or straightforward, but we all know there is
a "better" someplace. That is, generally, what keeps us all going, if we are
not with the luxury to coast.

Know that no matter how much you agonize and suffer, the experiences you have
are rich and valuable, because you can one day use this to help someone else.
We are each like a universe unto ourselves in a way -- we each have (for the
most part) a visual field, a sound sphere, a taste, smell, and tactile sense
field of sensory immersion. Even if you are hurting a lot, know that things
change. This is the truth.

Know also, that to be able to prevent or relieve someone else's suffering is
not only valuable to them, but valuable to you, because we are all connected
in deep ways, many of which are not apparent to our "thinking" minds.

Before you do anything rash, I would encourage you to try and learn as much as
you can about life and its myriad expressions. Go to a nursing home and
volunteer for an afternoon. Go to a hospital and hang out with some people
with cancer, or even just with a simple boo-boo. Your heart might open, and
the truth and beauty of a life lived for others might dawn in your mind.

Really, our greatest purpose, if I may be so bold as to lay claim to one, is
to help the brilliance of creativity, joy, compassion, and openness grow and
illuminate our world.

Perhaps you have noticed that your attitude and willingness to open up to
other people influences how you feel, and this is no coincidence. Look at your
own body -- cells pass nutrients and signals along to other cells, and in the
end "you" (although where "i" or "you" truly dwell is a deep question) are
able to walk around and get some coffee. Something as simple as your afternoon
tea takes a chorus of millions upon millions of cells coordinating selflessly
in order to happen.

Life is not about monetary success or fame or gain. These lumps come and go,
they coagulate and they pass, it is not the truest our life aims can be.
Certainly, these can sometimes ease our burdens, and make service easier, but
true satisfaction will come when your heart aligns, even in the slightest,
with the heartbeat of the universe (multiverse)...

To spend your days contemplating the greatest and deepest impulse of the
cosmos in its infinite and unbound expression would not be a waste of your
time. It would, in fact, be a great gain, for yourself and others.

Happiness is not a condition, it is a practice. Since we are all connected,
the more you aspire to helping others lift up their end of the "net" so-to-
speak, the more you yourself will rise. Your opportunity for the most sublime
and wonderful unfolding is in this life. Our potential as humans is unlimited.
Aspire to the greatest benefit for all, and your arrows of action shall not
miss their mark. For every little bit can grow and grow.

Knowing that we all suffer, that it in inherent to life, and that we all wish
to be free of suffering is only the beginning. "It is better to travel well
than to arrive."

Plant your seeds and help your garden grow.

------
IsaacL
I've been in an on-and-off existential funk for most of the last two years. At
times I've seriously wondered if I was capital-D Depressed. I don't think I
was though - as in, my problem was caused by a specific frustration with
things wrong with my life, rather than a chemical imbalance in my brain.

To clarify: when people feel "anxious and depressed for no discernible
reason", it might be because of a neurological disorder in their brain. Even
happy times feel empty and meaningless. Or, it might be because of an actual
issue in their lives, but one they haven't fully discerned. It's hard to tell
which group you might be in.

At the time I found doing volunteering did give me some genuine happiness.
Another activity I found very meaningful was deep reading of philosophy and
literature. Over time the reading became less and less rewarding though (the
volunteering stopped because of logistical issues). I had a feeling that there
was some process that was sucking meaning out of everything good in my life,
which was pretty scary, and made me wonder if I was developing clinical
depression.

In my case, I've come to the conclusion that my unhappiness was caused by
unacknowledged issues with my life situation, not neurochemistry. You mention
"I had all of my dreams in life shattered" \- my situation was not so drastic,
but still a bit similar. I'd been reading about startups all throughout
university, and was accepted into a prestigious new accelerator on graduating
(more of a pre-accelerator, actually, so ideas and teams were in a bit of
flux). It was intense but I felt on top of the world. My problem was I
"pivoted" three times while looking for the right team + idea, until the
accelerator programme had ended and I had no serious traction with anything.
So I found myself working in Starbucks on crappy PHP code for a freelance
client. Then that dried up and I found another short-term gig basically doing
monkey work with Excel. I went through a hairy few weeks after a late invoice
where I almost ran out of cash. So I was trying to figure out my life
direction while also struggling to survive.

Looking back, I had a combination of a) over-ambition ("I need to be working
on a potentially huge startup before I turn 24") and b) lack of understanding
of the effort required to create something halfway-decent (and the experience
required to create something actually _good_ ).

Over time I managed to tune down the over-ambition through a combination of
introspection, CBT, self-acceptance and observation of how difficult even very
smart people have obtaining moderate success. The work ethic I improved by
taking a couple of standard web development jobs and learning to do things the
right way. Still, this existential depression has waxed and waned over the
last two years, and (I now believe) it's because at least part of my psyche
never stopped believing that I could and should be doing something greater.

It's like - as we grow up we get used to the fact that our younger dreams
often aren't worth sticking to. Lots of people wanted to be astronauts as
kids, but they probably don't despair that they never became astronauts, just
because it's such an unlikely thing to become. But the minor character in
Fight Club who secretly wanted to become a veterinarian - well, it was a
challenge to become a veterinarian but not an impossible challenge, so why
didn't he do it?

So my small suggestion to you is: take a look at your "shattered dreams" and
rationally evaluate which still seem achievable and worthwhile.

Avoid the twin emotional traps of grandiosity and helplessness ("yes, this is
the idea, I'm going to work on becoming the next Elon Musk for 18 hours a day
and get VC money and Techcrunch coverage and everyone will love me forever" vs
"why do I want to work on a new project, just summoning up the effort will add
more strife to my existence in the valley of tears, I should just find a safe
spot and stop moving"). A good perspective is one of balance, clarity and
equanimity: "my life is OK, there are things that I can improve and I will
patiently work on plans to improve them, and try and build relationships with
people who I can help or who can help me".

------
hoppster
there must be free services online for people in your situation. maybe even by
skype or phone. Google?

continue to look for a purpose. if nothing else, make looking for a purpose
your purpose.

idea...once you learn to overcome depressed/depressed feelings, you could
share your tricks with others in a similar situation. Helping others escape
from similar feelings is surely a valuable and noble purpose.

exercise! Outdoors if possible.

stay sober

volunteer at an animal shelter. or an animal preserve in a third-world
country!

find a nice place to live. Something with at least of basic view of something
green. Some place with a walkable neighborhood. Can't afford one in the US? Go
to Urugauy and find one there.

if you have interet connection, learn new skills. then find better, higher-
paying work, then move to a place you love.

go easy on yourself. we all make mistakes and go through rough patches. it's
part of the human experience. make sure you cut yourself some slack for your
mistakes.

volunteer at a place that actually NEEDS help. not doing your friend's
errands. feed some sick people. help build a shelter for someone who's lost
everything in a natural disaster.

do something of real value to a community in need: help exploited
women/children. protect endangered wildlife.

go on a hike/camp in nature. BIG nature if possible.

enjoy good sex. it's one of life's greatest gifts.

if you use porn, stick to positive pornography and stick to a lower usage
limit. excessive porn usage, especially of negative porn, can make one feel
worse.

start small with successes: finish a word search. finish a lego set. build
plastic models. learn to cook amazing deserts and then invite some people over
to enjoy them with you. start small and gradually build up to more challenging
achievements.

think outside the box: if you're already at the bottom professionally and
working so much and you can't even afford a doctor, there's little risk in
making a BIG move to another location (country?) or career.

what are you good at? which people NEED help with those skills? provide it. it
will make you feel good.

practice appreciating all the little things. the flowers. the kids' laughter.
the rain. music.

adopt a positive, gratitude encouraging mantra. one I use is ..."appreciate
this, appreciate that, appreciate it all"

develop a marketable skill that you can do remotely. sure, work in an office
if it's feasable, but also work in shared spaces, and also work from really
nice locations every once in a while.

power is relative. move to a place where your current skillset is seen as
powerful and desirable. being able to dig a well and install a pump might be
really highly appreciated in certain parts of the world.

see this mood as something tht's temporary, like the weather. many great
people in history have been very down and out before they made there mark on
the world. you'll only know what you're fully capable of achieving in your
life if you stick around and keep giving it your best.

be good to yourself, and then FELL GOOD ABOUT the fact that your a person that
is good to yourself (see what I did there?)

be good to others, and then FELL GOOD ABOUT the fact that your a person that
is good to others

be honest and try hard, and then FELL GOOD ABOUT the fact that your a person
that is honest and tries hard

do those above three things and you'll be emotionally richer than most.

lastly... are there people out there that love you? Family? Friends? Those
people will be emotionally devasted if you leave this planet prematuely. I
guarantee it. So if nothing else, for THEIR SAKE, do everything you possibly
can to live a long and content life. That means TRY EVERY LAST BIT OF ADVICE
for finding meaning and contentment before you ever choose to throw in the
towel.

~~~
an_tie_hero
> enjoy good sex. it's one of life's greatest gifts.

Yeah, that is never going to happen. Not for me. I am 1. gay and 2. ugly.

