
Most Initial Conversations Go Better Than People Think - extraterra
https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/anthropology-in-practice/most-initial-conversations-go-better-than-people-think/
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RandomTisk
I played a game with a random PUBG streamer (less than 5 viewers) recently
that I felt went fairly well, except for a few moments when he drove off
without me and came back a minute later apologizing. He communicated very
poorly and in the end, I had 4 kills and he had 2, i went down and he died
trying to save me. Then he rage quit and muttered something or other as he
disconnected.

I thought I must have said something to set him off. We seemed to get along
fine, we had decent team chemistry but I figured I pushed the guy's buttons.
It really bothered me so I sought out his videos and luckily he had recorded
it.

I expected to find I wasn't nearly as pleasant as I thought I was. Nope, he
was just an asshole. He was talking to someone behind him for several minutes
and was on mute for about a quarter of the game, which explained a few moments
of tension where he wouldn't respond or communicate at all in crucial parts. I
watched a few other games of his with random people, and he'd do the same
thing: be pleasant at first, die, rage quit, repeat.

Sometimes it really is the other people.

~~~
itronitron
It's interesting that the default for most people, past adolescence, is to not
realize _it really is_ other people. It took me a long time to realize that
other people's bad moods, scowls, glares, etc. were 99 out of 100 times a
reflection of them and not me. Kind of freeing, but also kind of scary when
people that are clearly in terrible moods are your coworkers :/

~~~
ma2rten
In my experience it's most often no ones fault. It's just miscommunication.

~~~
saiya-jin
Its true that communication issues are the source of most of the conflicts
generally.

But there is something else - as a grown up, it took me some time to realize
and accept just how many other grown ups have various issues, are imbalanced,
carry scars from messed up childhood and so on. If you spend some time with
them, over time these will start to surface in various, often nasty ways.

Its a mistake to try to be friend with everybody. Life is too short, rather
invest time and energy into those relationships who are worth it, ie give
back, help when you need it etc.

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toomanybeersies
This is something that I've come to discover over the past couple of years.
People tend to think that other people like them less than they actually do.
People will often think "oh wow, that person is great, I really want to spend
more time with them", but then won't push the relationship (platonic or not)
further because they're uncertain if the feelings are mutual. I've missed out
and let a lot of relationships and friendships fade because of these feelings.

In general, we tend to have a lower opinion of ourselves than what other
people do. As the study says, we're a lot more aware of our fears and
insecurities than the people we interact with, as people aren't mind readers.

> Finally, simply ending an initial conversation with “I really enjoyed
> speaking with you” can help take the ambiguity out of the exchange

Reaching out like this and making positive statements can mean a lot to the
person you're talking to. I've found it really strengthens a relationship to
make these kinds of positive comments. You feel awkward the first few times
you say it, because we're so unused to making meaningful compliments about
people's personalities, but it's a really good thing to do. Saying something
like "I really value our friendship" can absolutely make someone's day.

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NoPicklez
During my time at University I was involved in some research studies, one was
particularly aligned to this study.

Essentially I myself (Male) had to stand up in a small room, in front of 6
young women and talk about myself for I think 2 minutes whilst being filmed.
At the end of the chat I had to rate how I felt I did, then I watched the
video of my conversation, then I had to rate myself again. I had to do this
around 2-3 times from memory.

During this time the "audience" could not smile, or reciprocate any emotion or
discussion, they had to sit there blankly during my speech.

The result of the experiment was that I had rated myself more confidently
after seeing the video of myself speaking. Adding to the fact that we
generally underestimate ourselves when speaking to others.

~~~
watwut
I think that this one is a bit different, because part of experiment is that
audience will intentionally skip non-verbal clues that you would otherwise use
to judge how they react to your talk.

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foldr
>While initial meetings and relationships at the beginning stages are most
vulnerable to these biases, long-term acquaintances are no less susceptible.

Isn't this a straight up contradiction?

~~~
thaumasiotes
The two claims are logically compatible iff vulnerability is exactly equal at
all points during the relationship.

~~~
foldr
But in that case, relationships at the beginning stages would not be the
'most' vulnerable.

~~~
thaumasiotes
They wouldn't be uniquely the most vulnerable, but they would be the most
vulnerable in that no other stage would be more vulnerable.

~~~
foldr
The 'the' implies unuiqueness. If John, Bill and Mary are equally skilful,
then it's not the case that John is the most skilful of the three.

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simonebrunozzi
Link to the study:
[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/30183512?dopt=Abstract](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/30183512?dopt=Abstract)

TL;DR: our perception of our performance in a meeting is lower than the actual
performance.

