
A therapist’s guide to staying productive when depressed or heartbroken - marojejian
https://qz.com/1089589/how-to-stay-productive-when-youre-depressed-or-heartbroken/
======
alexibm
I am 35M terribly heartbroken after my most important relationship for which I
had great hopes, ended in a complete disaster almost 10 months ago. Person I
loved the most, cheated one, shitted on me, got engaged to guy, sent me
pictures of her/dude + wedding band on OUR anniversary day, told me that she
will name a dog after child we were planning to have, got dumped in 6 months,
because he didn't want to have her 10 YO son and came back without apologies,
and when I refused to take her back, she went to Switzerland police and got
restraining order against me ... just to shit on me more. So, I am banned from
entering Switzerland.(I live in US) To be honest, I followed a lot of things
on this list, but it still doesn't help. To this day, my productivity is shit.
Somehow, I accomplish things being asked of me, but I feel like empty shell of
former me walking around. Have to admit, alcohol helps me a lot.

~~~
erokar
If it's any consolation it sounds like your ex has a personality disorder with
sadistic traits. It is unlikely she will ever make anyone happy, quite the
opposite.

~~~
alexibm
She has traits of [Borderline?] Personality Disorder, but I found out about
BPD after whole thing went down in flames and I started doing research. She is
35. Attractive. Abused childhood, absent mother that went around banging man
and abusive stepfather, father left when she was 2. She had 3 marriages that
collapsed, numerous engagements that probably fell as well, and shit-load of
relationships that are short-lived(6m-1y). And of course, all men were
terrible. On top, she has eating disorder and thin as rail.

Entire ordeal sounds like some evil plot to destroy me. My older friends, who
went through divorces, were shocked and said this by far nastiest break-up
they heard about.

~~~
mratzloff
It's not uncommon for someone with BPD. It only gets worse over time unless
the person makes a concerted effort to work with a trained specialist to
manage the symptoms, and most don't. You are neither the first nor last to
have a marriage fall apart as a result of BPD. It's fucked up, it's horrible,
but you will survive it. Eventually you'll have days where you don't even
think about it.

That said, I highly recommend you speak to a therapist. There are things you
are doing to attract these personalities and it's important to recognize it so
you don't find yourself in the same situation in the future.

Also, read this book immediately:
[https://www.amazon.com/dp/1442238321](https://www.amazon.com/dp/1442238321)

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arca_vorago
I can say that as a combat vet with under control ptsd I just want to say
these are good basic conversation points but I highly encourage people to
attempt cognitive emotional behavioral therapy (CEBT/CBT), especially for
people who dislike therapists and want to work throught their own shit. Once
the science finally made it's way to practice, I have seen many fellow combat
vets who responded poorly to other treatments make amazing progress under
CBT/CEBT.

[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy)

Drugs: Fuck that seratonin zombie bullshit! Try smoking some cannabis instead
of drinking next time. I personally also have this theory that ayahuasca can
cause ego-busting outlook shifts for people with everything from alcoholism to
ptsd, but there hasn't been enought science done on the subject yet and I
can't speak anecdotally because I haven't been able to afford the trip down to
Peru. Other drugs with potential positive effects on ptsd/anxiety/depression
are MDMA, peyote, morning glory, and salvia divinorum. Of course do your own
research and consult a doc if you intend do any of this.

It's a crime that so many potential medicines are illegal.

~~~
naasking
MDMA and ketamine are employed in the UK for extreme depression and PTSD,
IIRC.

~~~
DanBC
I don't think MDMA is used, and if it is it's only used in research settings.

There's a single clinic offering ketamine for depression.
[http://www.oxfordhealth.nhs.uk/service_description/ketamine-...](http://www.oxfordhealth.nhs.uk/service_description/ketamine-
clinic-for-depression/)

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nxsynonym
As someone who has major "on" and "off" period swings of productivity due to
depression, this list is pretty on the mark.

One thing I would add, which I've seen around here and other places, is the
"no zero days" rule. Do at least one thing everyday to work towards your goal.
Not only does this help instill discipline, it helps you prevent the snowball
effect of having a bad day.

~~~
dualogy
I absolutely need zero days rougly ever 8-10 days of full-time brain work.
Nothing recuperates my fried circuits better than the occasional single day
with _absolutely no agenda and not even the tiniest of goals_ , the rare day
of _anything goes, nothing must_. Motivation drive and interest comes back so
swiftly and with such vengeance on the next morning, I doubt there's
_anything_ that remotely compares.

Guess that's what this whole "weekend" notion was all about in the first
place! =)

~~~
mbrameld
Well, the comment about no zero days was in the context of trying to remain
productive while depressed, not how to avoid burnout during periods of intense
productivity. Do you agree context matters?

~~~
rjeli
It's often ambiguous whether you're depressed, burned out, or both.

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colechristensen
This misses the mark as I see it because it doesn't emphasize the three most
important things to helping depression:

Bright light, sleep, and exercise.

Light: get bright light to wake you up, experience bright light during the day
(preferably sunlight), if you're having trouble sleeping, disconnect from any
screens at least an hour before a scheduled time to sleep. Don't set up
yourself in a dark closed-window living environment.

Sleep: ahead of time, schedule times when you should be asleep and awake,
always be trying to keep to this schedule. Stay out of the bedroom outside of
these hours.

Exercise: whether it's walking around the block, going to the gym, or hiking
up a mountain, do what you can to exert yourself every day. It helps with the
light and the sleep.

These three things won't fix your problems but they will make everything
better even if you can only improve them a little.

~~~
craftyguy
>experience bright light during the day (preferably sunlight

I'm in the Pacific NW, fall/winter/spring is coming.. :(

~~~
tqkxzugoaupvwqr
Going outside and getting daylight on overcast days is still much, much better
than any typical light indoors. If you measure the light in a room vs.
outside, rooms are dark caves. Your eyes may say it isn’t dark, but you’ll get
next to nothing indoors. This has a big effect on your mood and hormones.

~~~
craftyguy
That's good to keep in mind. Some friends and coworkers are big on the 'happy
lights' but they (the lights) make me want to pull out my eyeballs. Guess
we'll have to get umbrellas and stand in the rain to be happy!

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heartbroken20yo
As a relatively young entrepreneur that fell in love a year ago, and then had
the relationship fall apart a few months ago, I found falling in and out of
love to destroy my productivity.

I was in a multi month rut that I only crawled out of through therapy and
understanding how to actually care about myself.

As much as I know that I'd be better at handling the situation after having
experience now, the sheer awfulness of having to run a business while feeling
heartbroken turns me off from wanting another relationship. I guess I
understand now why so many entrepreneurs I know have messy love lives.

~~~
anigbrowl
It's not so much that you're not productive when depressed, as the awareness
that achievement in other spheres of activity are not actually all that
satisfying absent a nurturing relationship - also a problem for many lottery
winners who find themselves trying and failing to consume happiness.

I'm sorry that happened but you shouldn't treat it as an insurmountable
problem. If you're just 20, your body isn't even completely done growing and
you're also relatively inexperienced in dealing with intense emotions. You'll
always bear the scars of the pain you felt from this relationship breaking up,
and have regrets about whatever parts of it were caused by you, but you can
and will heal. Being willing to accept help through therapy and reassess
yourself means you're already a long way towards that.

Be careful of the hesitancy to get into another relationship - a natural
doubt, but one that can stiffen into a 'reaction-formation' is taken too far.
It's certainly tempting (especially when you're younger) to just date casually
for social and sexual companionship, but if you systematically avoid
relationships then undertaking and sustaining new ones will be more difficult,
and as you get older the frustrations and loneliness that can result will
weigh increasingly heavy and result in bitterness.

It may help to think of relating to others as a skill to be developed and
continuously improved rather than as an achievement to be unlocked (which is
way overstressed in media and marketing). A pet animal can help a lot with
that. The obligations involved impose a sort of emotional discipline on you,
but the rewards are unbounded as animals are generous with their affections.
If you end up with a dog it will also improve your social life - people are
well-disposed to the owner of a happy dog, and it also makes small talk much
easier.

~~~
imcoconut
This comment is extremely insightful and actionable. Thank you.

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rkunnamp
Stuff that helped me \- Staying near or staying along with your closest ones
\- Sleep and Exercise \- Some ayurvedic pills that is known to relieve stress
and help sleep ("Ashwagandha" to be specific. I wont say it is a magic pill,
but when I take it , I used to get a deep sleep)

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faitswulff
Sometimes the most productive thing you can do is heal.

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marojejian
An essential element to resilience is to have a strong support group, ideally
friends, or people who are going through a similar thing.

In that vein - shameless plug:

I've been working on a service (www.campfire.care) to build peer support
groups for any focus. Groups of 5-10 people with the same issue meet regularly
via video and stay connected via chat.

The idea is that we are fundamentally social creatures, and struggling with a
challenge alone is unhealthy. It is not therapy or a replacement for therapy.
But peer support can be effective + inexpensive.

And being part of a true peer group can provide a kind of value that
professional mental health can't. You can't be friends with you therapist, and
their job is not to truly empathize with you.

Would love any thoughts / feedback!

~~~
DanBC
You might be interested in the Q Community's work on peer support:
[https://q.health.org.uk/q-improvement-lab/lab-1-peer-
support...](https://q.health.org.uk/q-improvement-lab/lab-1-peer-support-
available/)

~~~
marojejian
Thanks! I will check this out.

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dogruck
If you're actually depressed, go see a professional.

~~~
asteli
have you had to do this? there's a catch-22 here in that depression makes it
way harder to invest the time in finding professional help.

~~~
dogruck
Not personally. I've lost 2 loved ones to it. Just because it's hard to seek
help doesn't mean that it's incorrect.

