

Ask HN: Would you start a new venture with your significant other? - relaunched

I&#x27;ve done a few startups and my significant other hasn&#x27;t. But, she&#x27;s taken a big interest in my next project, mostly because I told her I wanted to build an app to be used &#x2F; debut at our wedding. She&#x27;s involved in the creative stuff and has great business sense. I&#x27;ve founded a few companies, former developer, product management &#x2F; customer development experience, decently networked, etc. Has anyone done this before? How has it worked out? What should I watch out for?
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jenmcewen
Excellent question. Five years ago, I started my company with my partner.
Before that, I joined his first startup. All in all, we've been working
together and living together for almost 10 years. Our families are close and
we have the same group of friends. Basically, we're around each other all.
the. time.

Both our current company and our last one were in the adult space (sex toy
design and manufacturing, and our adult mobile app store). For a few years we
ran both companies simultaneously, mostly from home in a room that was both
our bedroom and office (because 1. #startuplife and 2. adult startups don't
usually get funding that affords us office space). We even moved to a small
factory town in China for a couple of years to lead a group of designers and
engineers and oversee manufacturing, where we had no friends aside from each
other.

Sounds maddening, doesn't it? Except it isn't.

Some might say there are a lot of land mines here. Having virtually no
separate life from your partner is dangerous, working in the adult space can
be hazardous to your sex life, the pressures of running a company can turn you
against each other. But only you and your partner know how you tick together.
I believe that as long as both of you are putting your all into it (the
relationship and the business) AND you genuinely love and admire your partner
for who they are, vice and virtue, it can be an incredibly rewarding
experience. You'll both be working for the same dream personally and
professionally. Remember some of the greatest companies in the world are
family-owned.

Things I would look out for are not so much about what your partner does or
their personality traits, but more about how you both are together. How do you
argue? How do you make up? Do you turn to each other when you're under stress?
Do you value each other's input? Do you inspire each other? Can you tell each
other when the other is slipping up? Can you handle harsh criticism from the
person you're most vulnerable to?

If you haven't already, you need to learn how to argue. Say what you mean,
criticize what they do not who they are, and when you're done, apologize right
away. Both of you. Actually, both of you should get used to apologizing a lot.
I've found that because you're under a lot of stress, the smallest jab can
become a war wound. Likewise, offer accolades often too. Unlike traditional
business partnerships, you don't get a lot of emotional distance when you work
with your significant other. I'm not suggesting you coddle each other either.
You need to learn how to give and take criticism with the understanding that
it can be emotionally charged and received.

You should inspire each other and feel accountable to each other to work
efficiently and effectively. If either of you don't feel this way about the
other, I'd advise against working together because inevitably one or the other
will feel they're pulling all the weight. You don't get extra leeway because
you're sleeping with your business partner.

Speaking of sex, embrace the quickie. Because, let's face it, you're not gonna
have a lot of time all the time.

Lastly, and importantly, don't shit with the door open. Also, take a shower,
brush your teeth, put on pants. Keep some of the little mystery you have left.
:)

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uptown
Every wedding is different - but planning a wedding tends to be a stressful,
time-consuming occasion for many couples. I suppose it depends how elaborate
yours will be, and how much work will be involved, but by linking your app
launch to your wedding date, you're adding a hard-date which is likely to
increase the pressure on both of you. I wouldn't have a problem building a
business with a significant other - but I wouldn't ever link it to a wedding
day. Enjoy your wedding day. The last thing I'd want to be doing is thinking
about why something isn't working right on my AWS instance while family that
flew across the country to see me want to catch up and spend time together.

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davismwfl
I have done it, and I grew up in family owned businesses where my parents
would build something then fail or sell it and go to the next thing.

My personal experience has been if you two communicate well and can work
together well on other tasks, then it is just extending the partnership. With
my wife now she is involved in aspects of the business and does awesome things
for the business. However, she doesn't want a day to day role because she
likes having some separation, which honestly has really been the best for us.

We work really well together because we respect each other for what we bring
to the table, and for the most part we can swallow our egos.

I'd say for what to watch out for: having separate time is important, having
the ability to separate work from home is critical, having time set aside
where work topics are not a focus etc. Respecting each others decisions and
abilities as well as checking the ego is very important. I don't believe it is
possible to say you can't talk about work at home etc, but you have to be able
to have conversations about life outside of the job. To me that is no
different than dedicating time to work out, having hobbies together etc.

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MalcolmDiggs
Definitely not. Not because of my partner, but because I wouldn't be
comfortable _joining_ that kind of venture as an employee.

In fact I've walked away from job-offers in the past when I found out that it
was a husband-and-wife team running the show. As an employee I need
decisiveness and absolute objectivity in my leadership. I need to know that
there are no other factors at play when they make decisions that affect the
company and staff.

It is certainly _possible_ to run that kind of mom-and-pop shop (one where
there is a wall between business hours and home-life)...but as the leaders of
that company _you two_ will be the only ones who know you're really being
objective. Everyone else will need to take this claim on blind faith, and
that's just too much to ask in most cases.

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brudgers
Starting a company with your significant other is significantly more likely to
be successful than dogfooding an application at her wedding...or maybe 'her
first wedding' is a more appropriate term.

There's business. There's what's actually important in life.

Good luck.

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gregcohn
I can think of several prominent startup couples that have made this work
successfully. Wildfire (acq. Google) comes to mind as a recent one.

There have also been some spectacular meltdowns too, and in general, intimate
relationships between senior executives tends to correlate to dysfunction.

A lot will depend on your personalities and skill sets. You will get pushback
from some investors (though traction has a tendency to quell pushback of all
kinds). But you could do worse than starting with someone who deeply
understands your target audience -- and with whom you know you're compatible.

I'd do a "pre-nup" agreement on which one of you is going to bounce if it
doesn't work, and call it an experimental situation.

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ishener
Me and my wife are working together on our new app
([http://alephz.com](http://alephz.com)). It's very early stage, and it's
really just a side project for now, but I can see it's going well. I think the
secret is to have a very clear separation of roles. For example, in our
project I'm doing the technical stuff, and she writes the questions, and
moderates the community.

Also, I think it's good for our relationship because we share the same hobby.
I don't know how it's going to be when working together on something that
isn't a side project, but a day job.

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Gustomaximus
Another consideration is for 'person 3+'. It's one thing to work between the 2
of you, but if your bringing a third (or more) into this environment it may be
difficult for them. When they disagree/debate/argue with your partner this
might cross into your relationship with them. I wouldn't say this cant work,
but it should be considered to avoid issues.

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eddyparkinson
Am sure PG did a post on that topic, he said maybe. He said, it depends if
they would make a good co-founder, do they have the co-founder skill set (self
starter, etc)?

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jordsmi
I would not. I've had enough bad experiences working with just friends, I
could see it going even worse if you do it with your SO.

