

Why American Marriages Are Set Up For Failure - NickGweezy
http://www.gweezycapital.com/why-american-marriages-are-set-up-for-failure

======
ChuckMcM
short anecdote, when my wife and I had our first child I was meticulous about
understanding the whole 'kid' thing, I analyzed, I tested, I reasoned, and I
generally felt by the time my daughter was 2 that I pretty much had the whole
kid thing figured out. If they cry under these conditions it means this, if
this condition that other thing, etc. I generously shared my hard won
expertise on how one goes about dealing with and raising a child. Then my
second one was born, and she was different _right out of the womb._ And not a
little different, a _lot_ different. All these things I "knew" weren't right
at all, I in fact didn't know anything about "raising kids" I only knew about
"raising this particular kid" and sadly that wasn't transferable between even
my own kids! From that point on I kept my kid raising advice to a minimum. I
realized how different everyone is.

Much is the same in marriages. People bring different things to the marriage,
expectations, previous history, needs for affinity, needs for control, desires
to control, what ever. And because their are two people involved, and those
people change over time, they require constant communication and realignment.
I have friends who are still married as I am, and friends who are divorced,
and friends who aren't married but should be, and are married but probably
should not be. No single thing causes it to fail, its a combination of things.
One thing seems to keep them going though and that is communication. Learn to
talk about anything with your spouse, and I mean _anything._ That isn't a
guarantee of success of course, but there is ample evidence that "problems"
occur when one part of the relationship thinks there is a problem and the
other person either doesn't think its a problem or doesn't even know about it.

------
technel
> But after that year, they decided to get back together and get married
> almost immediately without seeing what it would be like to live with one
> another.

Keep in mind that at the time your parents would have tied the knot, pre-
marital cohabitation was statistically a predictor of increased likelihood of
divorce. [1]

[1] [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/22/movein-before-
marri...](http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/22/movein-before-marriage-
no_n_1372687.html)

~~~
vampirechicken
Interesting. I wonder about people cohabitate to see they can live with each
other, rather than having the patience to wait until they can't live without
each other.

I theorize that the latter would make for a stronger relationship. One in
which the partners are not looking for the deal breaker, but always searching
for the solution to the kind of problems that couples have.

------
neutronicus
I'd like to see a citation on the claim about 1 in 5 divorces being due to
Facebook.

~~~
NickGweezy
[http://www.zdnet.com/blog/facebook/facebook-blamed-
for-1-in-...](http://www.zdnet.com/blog/facebook/facebook-blamed-
for-1-in-5-divorces-in-the-us/359)

~~~
pwny
Thanks for the link, however I'll go ahead and bet that most of those Facebook
divorces actually go down to a more important underlying problem than the use
of the social network. I'd really like to know how many cases has Facebook
been blame for where one spouse just happened to find out via Facebook the
other was cheating.

This, the article does not explain clearly. Getting a divorce because you got
back in touch with a high-school sweetheart then blaming Facebook for it is
like blaming the bar where you hooked up with a drunk chick for ruining your
relationship.

People are to blame for divorces.

------
tgrass
The writer's resume includes "Twitter" under the Relevant Skills section.

Which is not to say one should be skeptical about the post. For that you need
only look to the lack of citation for everything in it.

~~~
pwny
Your argument would have had so much more weight if you had omitted the almost
undisguised ad hominem attack.

~~~
tgrass
My life would be twice as tedious if I took that advice. And if mine is the
harshest criticism that young writer comes across today, them he should
consider himself a fortunate soul.

Here is the remark sans ad hominem: Twitter is not a skill. Remove it from
your resume because it undermines any authority you might have as a writer.

Additionally, the piece is rhetoric. It is perfectly acceptable to question
the character of the speaker when that is a mode being appealed to.

------
nathan_long
>> Commitment has made a difference. In interviews with some women who have
been married 20 years or more after living with their spouse first, firm
belief in a future together was a common theme.

Personal opinion: I think this is the common thread. If living together is
seen as a "trial period", it could ingrain the idea that "he/she is not
committed to me, and will stay only as long as I please him/her" into the
relationship. That could lead to long-term mistrust.

In my own marriage, my wife and I continually express our determination to
stay married until death. This makes being vulnerable much easier, because I
don't fear rejection. Indeed, I'd say that's the biggest difference for me
between marriage and dating.

------
joshbaptiste
The absolute best resource I have read on why monogamy does not work in modern
times in (mainly) developed countries is here:
[http://www.blackdragonsystem.com/uploads/3/9/7/2/3972480/why...](http://www.blackdragonsystem.com/uploads/3/9/7/2/3972480/why_long_term_monogamy_doesnt_work.pdf)

------
panzagl
As my parents said when my brother made a similar arguement- "So who are you
shacking up with?"

