
How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends? - hyunwoona
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1TI4hjfb5cbEMTaY2vMsG--nlhQkH5N_aKWVGBGGmOuA/edit?usp=sharing
======
saalweachter
Here's my thoughts, as someone who's naturally shy, socially awkward (or maybe
just plain weird), and loaded with anxiety issues.

Start small. Don't try to make friends at first, just practice interacting
with people. Ask totally random people questions you can Google. Is the 6
train running on time today? Is this the way to Market Street? Do you know a
good coffee shop around here? Ask people in social situations personal
questions that aren't too personal. So what do you do? How long have you
worked here / gone to school here / known Jim / lived here? A lot of people
don't realize I have crippling social anxiety, simply because I have mastered
the art of small talk.

Practice being uncomfortable. I'm assuming you've got a healthy dose of social
anxiety, like most introverts. Wear opinionated tee-shirts that make you feel
judged. Try going to random meetup groups, not to meet people but just to
practice feeling awkward, silly, and watched. Try the juggling and unicycle
unicycle meetups, and spend an hour falling off a loaner unicycle in front of
everybody. Practice making smalltalk. How long have you been doing this? How
long does it take to learn how? How many balls can you juggle? What's the most
impressive feat you've seen performed on a unicycle?

Establish a routine. Proximity is important; you can't make friends if you're
never in the same place twice. Go sit in a coffee shop and read the paper
every morning, go for a run at the same time every week or day. Find a couple
of meetup groups and attend them regularly.

Online friends can be real friends. Even if you never meet them, if they care
about you and vice versa, an online friend counts. Making your online friends
in-person friends is also pretty awesome. I made several good friends online,
and now about half of us live in the same city (most of us live in two
cities). We hang out from time to time, play board games, see movies. Most of
us have worked together at one point or another.

~~~
saalweachter
One last one--

Be a friend to yourself. Not in a sappy, metaphorical way, but in a game-
theoretical way. One of the mistakes I made for the longest period of time was
that I waited for other people to make the first move. If someone didn't
regularly go out of their way to interact with me -- come over and talk to me,
invite me to do things -- I assumed they didn't want to and didn't go over and
talk to them or invite them places.

This was a terrible strategy: if I met myself, I would never become friends
with myself because neither of me would make the first move. Fortunately, I
encountered enough forward people that I still ended up meeting some folks,
but there are a lot of people I could have been friends with but am not, just
because both of us were too shy.

So make the first move. Talk to someone a couple of times, and if it seems
appropriate see if they want to grab a burger or see the new Hobbit movie at
midnight when it first comes out. And then don't be pushy; if you make a
couple of advances and they don't reciprocate, back off. Be polite and
friendly, say hi in the elevators, and make small talk if they seem to like
small talk. Not everyone is meant to be friends with everyone else.

~~~
devish
good advice!!! today I had a breakfast with myself and it was awesome.

~~~
chojeen
Was it the awkward breakfast after sleeping with yourself?

~~~
tempestn
While I understand the HN mantra that every comment should add value, I
personally feel that there is some value in legitimately funny comments, even
if that's all they add. No need to upvote it, but did this really deserve
downvotes? (It's not my comment, just figured its grey status seemed a bit
harsh.) Or did the down-voters consider it insensitive? Certainly didn't read
that way to me.

------
dnautics
I stated this in a sub thread, but:

Get in the practice of getting _in debt_ to other people (not necessarily
monetary). Asking for favors, or help. If you read Debt: The Last 5000 years,
debts are the glue that held society together for milennia. It sounds like you
have done a lot of work making yourself independent. But if you want to be
social and have friends, you have to do exactly the opposite, and find a way
to become dependent (or at least create the illusion of being dependent, if
you're really sneaky).

If you get into debt with someone, then there is psychological pressure to be
friends because that ensures that you'll be able to repay the debt. So I would
say: Practice asking for (and accepting) help (not too much, to the point of
being a nuisance, of course). And whoever you ask help for will more likely
find a way to include you in friendship circles.

~~~
typon
From my experience, indebting other people to you works really well too.
However, you must not expect anything in return when doing the favour, and act
gracious even if they don't return it.

~~~
alandarev
If you want to lose a friend, lend him/her. (Russian proverb)

To highlight your message, I as well suggest anyone lending to prepare for the
worst case scenario - never see it back. If you start persuading person owing
you, he/she might pay back but you will never be friends.

On other hand, why indebt people? What happened to genuine helping others?

~~~
DanBC
There is some psychological "research" that suggests if you ask a person to
help you they then like you more.

------
sn0wBuM
A few thoughts coming from a guy who used to be a shy introvert.

\- Making friends involves truly connecting with people. Connecting with
people means caring about them. The first step is to give a damn about
everyone around you. How are they doing? What do they care about? What makes
them tick? What problems might they be having?

\- People love to talk about themselves. Ask them good questions, and actively
listen (because as we said above, you care about them!). The more you get
someone to talk about themselves, the more they'll usually end up liking you.

\- Help people. It might be an old lady across the street. It could be a co-
worker. Or, the person moving into your apartment building. When you can, help
people (again, because you care about them :))

\- Notice a trend here? I'll repeat it again. You are doing things because you
care about others. The best way to stop being an introvert is to get out of
your own head, and get into the head of others.

\- Lastly, you'll be uncomfortable a lot. Some conversations will fizzle out.
Some people might think you are weird. You might be out at a bar and have no
idea who to talk to, or how to start talking to someone. Spend time being
uncomfortable. Learn to deal with it. Sooner or later, you'll make small bits
of progress. When you do, repeat what you did to make that bit of progress.

Hope this helps some!

~~~
dnautics
I disagree. I have done years of volunteer work/helping other people and it
does not help one bit with being social (it's not why I do it, so I don't care
about that supposed dimension). Plus, there are plenty of terrible people who
wouldn't consider doing anything except for their own self-interest who are
just fine at being social.

Totally orthogonal considerations. Sorry, don't mean to be cynical - I
strongly encourage doing good things for other people for their own sets of
rewards - but advertising this as a way to help out the OP's issues being
social will not help and may deepen a sense of entitlement and frustration.

~~~
alexshye
Friendship is a two-way street. If you learn someone is terrible, you can
choose not to be friends with them.

~~~
dnautics
None of my friends are friends with me 'because I help feed people with AIDS
every week'. Probably most of them don't know that I do this, and maybe this
is pretentious but I don't make it public knowledge because in the past when I
have it has intimidated people, possibly because they get worried that I would
get judgey.

I would go so far as to say, even better than doing something good and
'caring' for someone (you should do that anyways) is to _get in debt to
someone_. Maybe not financial debt, but ask other people for a favor, or help.
Psychologically, the person is then invested in you to repay that debt in the
future. After all Kennedy said "ask not what your country can do for you, ask
what you can do for your country", thus putting the country in debt to its
citizens, and his popularity soared.

~~~
kitsune_
This isn't about general voluntary work. Never.

This is about you helping strangers, or friends of friends. Moving, cooking
dinner, helping with a legal problem, helping them with their exams, letting
them borrow your rice cooker over the weekend, helping them with their
birthday party, inviting them for a drink, volunteering to look after their
dog and so on.

~~~
dnautics
I think that's tricky. If you help people too much, then they resent you
because of the built up debt (which is why I wrote the part about debt in
there). It's counterintuitive, but I think asking for help is a better
strategy for making friends than offering help.

------
rayiner
Are you necessarily an introvert, or do you find it difficult to interact with
people because of language/cultural barriers? I say this because extreme
introverts enjoy being alone. I used to think I leaned toward introversion,
but gradually between high school and college I realized that I enjoyed having
a big circle of friends--what I didn't enjoy was the social context of school.
I'm a drinks in a nice lounge kinda guy, and the social scene in college was
more house parties, tail gates, and/or video game tournaments. One of the nice
things about post-graduation is that you have a range of social settings to
choose from.

My advice would be to stop thinking of yourself as an "introvert" and
understand that you're probably somewhere in the middle, like most people.
Figure out what kind of social context you like and gravitate to that. Don't
assume because you're an "asian engineer" that the best fit for you is that
stereotypical social context. I'm a first generation immigrant, went to
math/science high school, went to engineering school, but half my friends are
public interest lawyers. I gravitate to that personality type. Your words
suggest that you put yourself in a box, but that doesn't have to be the case.

Also, don't assume you're "awkward." Maybe you are, but here's a secret: a lot
of the people you think of as "socially normal" simply have a head start by
virtue of having grown up in this culture. There's a lot of forced childhood
socialization that immigrants miss out on: church, block parties, etc. My wife
used to go to cornfield parties as a kid in Iowa. That kind of low-key,
parentally-supervised, non-threatening socialization helps build basic skills,
but its something immigrant kids often miss out on because their families
don't feel comfortable participating in the community.

~~~
JTxt
I agree with all of that except going into debt... When I can help it. (I can
see having a car helping a social life though.) When I have a buffer of cash
and food I feel more free and feel better about myself. When I'm happy with
myself, others like me more too... but then I also start to care less of what
most others think.

Edit: You edited out getting debt for a car? That may not be a bad idea for
some.

~~~
rayiner
> Edit: You edited out getting debt for a car? That may not be a bad idea for
> some.

Sorry for the ninja edit. I felt the post was getting too long and it was sort
of an ancillary point.

Anyway, I think it's important to have a car if you live in a car dependent
area. It's really easy to justify spending all weekend at home alone if you
need to rely on awful public transit to get anywhere.

------
jonnathanson
Here is a lesson I've learned the long, hard way after 30 years of being a
strong introvert: it's not how or where you meet people that counts. It's how
you stay in touch.

Look around you. Every day, in every situation imaginable, there are hundreds
of ways to meet people. There really are. You could strike up a conversation
with a stranger on a subway. You could ask for some advice from the girl ahead
of you in line at the supermarket. You could ask your coworkers to hang out,
or join them for lunch. You could go to meetup groups, or meet people online
and transition to real-world encounters. Point is, "How do I meet people?" is
the most commonly asked question -- and it's usually the wrong one.

If you're a true introvert, your biggest enemy is yourself. It's your _desire_
to be alone. It's your preference for living by yourself, for quiet moments
away from others, for nights spent at home, watching Netflix or playing games.
Making friends means making an effort to hang out with them, even when it
doesn't seem like the most immediately pleasurable, comfortable, or convenient
thing to do at any given moment.

I hate making plans. But once I'm in mid-plan with a friend or two, I have a
great time. And yet, somehow I never seem to put two and two together. I tend
to decline or avoid a lot of social plans. I'm sabotaging my own friendships
when I do that. Friendships are like pets; they need to be fed, walked, and
watered. Some of your friends will be super outgoing, and they'll do most of
the work for you. But some of your friends won't; they'll be the passive party
and expect you to make the plans. And either type of friend will occasionally,
if not often, expect you to make the plans. That's what happens in a mutual
friendship.

So I'd ask you to ask yourself: is your problem really about meeting people,
or is it about staying engaged with people? If it's about meeting people
(shyness), there is plenty of good advice on this thread about how to do it.
If it's about spending time with people (introversion), that's going to
require some regular, concerted effort to battle against your own
inclinations. Sort of like battling the urge to procrastinate. You'll have to
battle the urge to self-isolate. You'll want to focus less on the initial
"ugh" factor in making or anticipating plans, and more on the fun you'll be
having when you're hanging out.

Friendships don't just click into place on the first interaction between two
or more people. They depend on proximity and frequency. They take time to
develop, and once they've developed, they need to be maintained. They are
conditional, and you need to live up to whatever the conditions may be in any
given relationship. You're not going to ask a coworker to lunch and become
friends at the end of that meal. You're going to ask that same coworker to
lunch a second time, and eventually a third. And maybe you'll be friends at
the end of the fourth meal.

~~~
eshvk
> If you're a true introvert, your biggest enemy is yourself. It's your desire
> to be alone. It's your preference for living by yourself, for quiet moments
> away from others, for nights spent at home, watching Netflix or playing
> games. Making friends means making an effort to hang out with them, even
> when it doesn't seem like the most immediately pleasurable, comfortable, or
> convenient thing to do at any given moment.

I am highly introverted. This is surprisingly and confusing to even the
closest of my friends because I have learnt the art of being incredibly
outgoing and a veritable chatterbox when need be. However, it is exhausting as
fuck. So I balance it out. I go all out, make plans do things with people. But
I make sure I have me time where I shut down and do things on my own. It is
always a balance though. Because it is very easy for me to focus on me time
and do my own thing. And forget about the fact that friendships have to be
taken care.

~~~
Kurtz79
"I have learned the art of being incredibly outgoing and a veritable
chatterbox when need be."

How did you learn ?

~~~
eshvk
There is no easy answer to this; it all depends on playing the cards that you
have got and trying to mitigate the things that make you not outgoing.

A lot of things make for being outgoing. In my case, I realized very early on
that people hate making plans and organizing shit. I on the other hand, can
suck it up and do it. This plays in my favor in that I get to meet a lot of
people (friends bring friends) within my comfort zone. Also, host parties.

On the talking thing, for me, I used to overthink conversations. I still do on
occasion. However, one thing that helped a lot was improv. When you realize
the power of random statements that build on top of each other and create
something amazing, you chill the fuck out and realize that the first thing you
say doesn't matter that much. And also build a tough skin; because for every
person who was OK with you as a quiet mouse, there will be someone else who
absolutely detests you now that you have an opinion. Fuck em. Your job in life
is to figure out the amazing beautiful people who you can have an amazing
connection with.

~~~
Xcelerate
> A lot of things make for being outgoing. In my case, I realized very early
> on that people hate making plans and organizing shit. I on the other hand,
> can suck it up and do it. This plays in my favor in that I get to meet a lot
> of people (friends bring friends) within my comfort zone. Also, host
> parties.

I am about as introverted as they come. However, with practice, I normally
find I can become pretty good at things, so I've been working the last two
years on being more outgoing and social.

My problem is that people flake _all the time_ nowadays. I don't mind planning
events and inviting people, but they all flake at the last second and it's
really quite annoying. At first, I thought maybe it was me, but then I
realized everyone does it to everyone else. I don't dread social the
interactions; I dread the inevitable flaking that everyone's going to do at
the last second.

So... my strategy recently is just ditching friends that flake and finding new
ones. I'm not sure if this is the best idea though because I'm going through a
lot of them quickly.

~~~
Jtsummers
Instead of "ditching friends", my approach to flakey people has been to mass
invite people. I've ended up with a core of about 4-5 very reliable folks for
any type of event I'd invite them to, and the rest can go or be louts and stay
at home if they want (ok, only a few folks do this, the rest just overbook
their time).

EDIT: A note: There are a couple folks that I've effectively ditched. I no
longer take their schedules into consideration because they were such a PITA.
Folks: If people invite you to things every week because you tell them you
want to be invited, and you never show, don't feel hurt when they stop
considering your schedule. Pouty friends are annoying friends. Annoying
friends cease to be friends.

------
schainks
ABSOLUTELY. I used to be an introvert white guy with no friends.

I see two ways of meeting people, with 1 rule required: The Rule: Always say
the first opinion that comes to your mind. Do not be afraid to say what you
really feel, and have an intelligent discussion about it later, in which you
can admit you were ignorant and change your opinion. Opinions are like belly
buttons, everyone has one, and they're mostly irrelevant. Great friendships
can be forged between people with totally opposite opinions. You will be
genuine as long as you speak your mind.

Corollary: Take what you were just imagining in that public social situation,
grab your balls, and do it. Reality either smacks you in the face and you have
to handle an unknown situation, or all of a sudden it's serendipity. (P.S.
This works exactly the same way on dates, too.)

Meet people: 1\. Use workmates or the internet to meet people
(meetup.com/okcupid/tinder/etc.) - it's a good crutch to transitioning to real
life approaching strangers, without any risk of blushing or doing something
else embarrassing. You'll later find out, even in "structured" situations
you'll do embarassing things anyway, so maybe you should skip to #2: 2\. Walk
up to those groups (assuming it's a safe environment), interrupt and introduce
yourself. Speak your English wrong, don't let the people get to you, just keep
pushing your level so you always say exactly what you mean, in a direct and
efficient way (because English works like this). Your purpose is to develop
your language/social skills, not impress them. Feel free to be transparent
with them, and explain why you're talking to them - who knows what they'll do!

You see the above text? That is how I taught myself fluent spoken Chinese on
the streets of China starting with _zero_ Chinese. The strategy completely
works, but it's not easy. The biggest benefit of it, however, is every time I
get outside my comfort zone I can _handle it_.

Now you get two life skills for the price of one. Good luck.

~~~
seren
The first advice works because by being candid and genuine, you are willing to
make yourself vulnerable, and it means implicitly that you the trust the
person you are talking to. And it will be easier for the other person to open
up as well.

It also works in professional settings. It is better to work with people who
are willing to say upfront "I don't know", rather than keeping quiet and
ending up doing a bad job, because they were afraid to look weak.

So if you want someone to confide something, tell them one of your secret
first. (But do not plan it in a Machiavellian way or it will surely backfire,
the key is to stay genuine and really care at all time.)

------
bthomas
Surprised at all the focus on introversion in the comments. I'm 26 too and
have always been social and extroverted - I can totally relate to this post.

These are near-universal struggles. Most people wish they could make more
friends with shared interests, even those with a great friend group. (Most
friendships are circumstantial and the individuals don't have much more in
common than two random people from similar backgrounds.) Most people without
families also get lonely on the weekends. Lately I've been trying to get
healthy and avoid drinking and it's remarkable how much that's stalled my
social and dating lives.

I had a different reaction: that this is an untapped opportunity for potential
founders. Meetup is great in theory but for some reason isn't good at
friendships. I don't get why in 2014 there is such a discrepancy between % of
relationships and % of friendships sourced online. There must be a better way
for the internet to introduce people with shared goals and convert them to
real-life friends, without sex involved. Also consider how much friction this
adds to relocation - how many people avoid moving because "all my friends are
here". That's implying that it would be hard to make similar friends in a new
city.

I hope the HN crowd starts to see this as a problem that needs solving.
Personally, I've always thought that social apps were boring and superfluous -
that I wanted to work on "hard" problems instead - but starting to question
this assumption.

~~~
Omniusaspirer
I really like this comment since it really hits at what technical people could
potentially do to address the difficulty of meeting new friends. Like you,
I've always kinda looked at the social apps as stupid/flooded/artificial.

Reading this thread though really emphasizes to me that there is huge demand
for an easy "friend finder". I'm now thoroughly convinced this is a space just
waiting to be occupied.

------
Treyno
Have you tried online gaming? No it doesn't solve the fact that you'll be sat
alone still. But from past experience, personally online gaming being a huge
hobby of mine I often like to meet people from other countries in-games such
as counterstrike and World of Warcraft or DayZ. We speak a little through game
chat (Mic, if they're enabled). If I enjoy playing with them I get them to hop
on to Teamspeak or skype with my little community and go from there.

A lot of the time I meet people who don't speak English that well and explain
it's not a huge problem. They often just speak about game related things and
don't really go any deeper in to anything more personal. Until 2-3 months down
the line and it's easy to notice how much they've come out of their shell.
Throwing banter around and asking how works going or other personal things and
they seem 10x more comfortable speaking in front of me and my English friends
(and new people I get to join the teamspeak). It's not something you have to
dedicate a lot of time to, can be very casual.

I don't usually post on here but I felt this could be very beneficial as I've
seen it work countless times. I've got a lot of these people on my facebook,
twitter and snapchat during the day. Even been to lans in Sweden ETC and met
up with a couple.

*Edit: I'm 23, and speak to my 'online friends' 2-3 hours a night, and go out on a weekend with a different social group on the weekend. Played games since I was 11 and had 2 'serious' relationships lasting around 2 years each. - If you was interested.

~~~
dimillian
Hey, +1000 for online gaming. I'm an moderate introvert with some greats
friends. Nowadays I play a lot a certain MMO. I met some greats & awesome
people, even had some meetup IRL.

I've met people working at Apple, Blizzard & more. We shared passion &
experience, it got me some business opportunity too. The world is so small
it's amazing.

~~~
leaveyou
-10000 for online gaming. You don't know it yet but online gaming can ruin your life. It's the most accessible, inoffensive looking, procrastination enhancing, important decision delaying, time wasting, addictive habit/hobby/relaxation.

~~~
icebraining
Lots of things can ruin your life, including having friends IRL. It's a reason
to be mindful, not to ban it from one's life.

~~~
leaveyou
I'm not for banning. I'm for actively discouraging people who "have nothing to
do" with their time, from seeking refuge in something which is actively
designed to captivate them and consume as much of their resources as possible.
There are many addictive & destructive things, but few of them are legal and
actively being evolved to enslave you at the same time.

~~~
leaveyou
@dimillian I can't give details. I'm too afraid to associate the enormous
number of hours I wasted with online gaming even with this relatively
anonymous nickname.

------
tunesmith
I lived in the bay area for a few years just after college. I moved there
alone without knowing any friends in the area.

I'm white, american, fluent, and witty enough that I can regularly make my
friends laugh. But even despite those advantages, I felt a strong sense of
recognition reading this post - I felt exactly the same way about my ability
to connect with people, and about the weekends.

I think there's a structural problem with the bay area in that sense. Making
friends at work is tough because everyone lives at least 20 minutes away,
probably much further. The geography means everyone is really spread out. Most
of the peninsula doesn't have natural hang-out areas. And the general
professional emphasis in the bay area means that everyone is friendly enough
to give you 1-2 minutes, but then they're on to the next thing.

I honestly don't have a lot of suggestions to give, other than to say that the
problem might not be YOU. You might have to move somewhere where there is a
better natural support network, and there really are such places. I moved
northwest and ended up feeling like everyone was an order of magnitude
friendlier and more open.

Barring that, I'd focus on doing things like joining a church where there is a
cultural fit - even if you aren't religious - or trying your hardest to find
_local_ meetups where the emphasis is more on a common interest than on
meeting other people - in that environment, you can rely on the common
interest to talk to people, and slowly turn it into a personal relationship
over time.

Overall I just wanted to say I really feel for you - that doesn't sound fun
and it's easy to tell from your writing that you're a good person and would
have a lot to offer in terms of friendship (or relationship).

~~~
fizwhiz
>> And the general professional emphasis in the bay area means that everyone
is friendly enough to give you 1-2 minutes, but then they're on to the next
thing.

I've been in the bay area for north of 1 year now, and I can attest to this.
Coming from Austin, this was a big change for me. It's not that people are
rude, they're just caught up in what they're doing passionately but there's
nothing wrong with that. I tried joining meetups and socializing with co-
workers but I always left with the sense of it being forced.

Maybe i'm still in college mode and I just ache for my comfort-zone where all
my friends understand me and get the inside jokes. Whatever the case may be,
it's really not worked out for me and I'm unclear on what I should be doing
next.

------
piyush_soni
Since you said you have NO friends to spend time with on weekends, and
language is one of the (or the biggest) barrier(s), why don't you _start_ with
making some friends who speak the same language as you do? I'm sure those
friends would further have friends who'd speak different languages. It's
awkward to go to some stranger and say you want to initiate friendship, but
when people introduce you to others, it's a lot smoother and normal. Slowly,
you might have people of multiple nationalities and languages in your group,
and you'd be comfortable with all of them. Good luck!

------
dnautics
I'm not an introvert, but I'm shy. That's even worse, because I WANT to hang
out with people but I'm desperately afraid of meeting new people. Anyways, go
find an event that sparks your interest where you will meet people. Or, just
force yourself to do something. Social dancing did it for me, for example. I
know indoor rock climbing has worked for other people (if you don't have a
partner you sign up on a list of solos looking for a partner).

I would venture to say that if you truly are an introvert (being social saps
your energy) then you should consider social dancing or rock climbing, because
for a few minutes at a time your attention is focused on just one person and
you can for the most part shut off everyone else, unlike being in say a
generic 'common interest' meetup.

But anyways you have to actually put effort into it. Unlike the olden days,
where everyone in town knew what was up, and dragged other people around, or
college, which professionalizes the student's entitlement to experiences, _you
are rarely going to be handed social activities on a platter._

If someone invites you to spend time with them in a group, make a mental note
of it, and if you're counting too many examples where you're saying no, think
hard about saying yes the next time.

Also, yes, it is harder being an Asian. I know this from personal experience.
But there is nothing you can do about that, so forget about it.

~~~
seeken
Any examples where you're saying no is too many. Always go!

I have made it a point to always say yes and it has made a huge difference for
me. I am also very shy.

~~~
dnautics
After I quit my job as a scientist, I drove for lyft, and got lots of offers
to hang out with passengers. So I said no a lot (needed the money, driving is
donezo one you've started drinking). Now, I consider it and hang out with
passengers every once in a while. I've got to be selective, as a 30-something
it might not be all that fun hanging out with 20-somethings in a bar in
certain parts of San Diego...

I would have suggested "drive for lyft" to the OP, but he doesn't have a car,
so...

~~~
crimsonalucard
Do you make more money driving for lyft? Why did you quit being a scientist to
essentially become a cab driver?

~~~
dnautics
I'll refer you to this thread:

[https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7880440](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7880440)

------
allworknoplay
A few observations:

1) I'm fairly introverted, and I've been successful finding new friends when
I've found interest-based clubs/groups; for me this would be gaming or making-
things groups; it could also be a local sports league, tech meetup, or book
club or something. These are great ways to meet people. With a little bit of
luck you'll meet cool people with similar interests in no time.

2) You seem far too nervous about your accent. I have worked and developed
friendships with a few people with really strong accents, and have always
found that people are willing to work through it as long as you are. I really
doubt people mind yours; you just have to laugh off miscommunications and keep
smiling.

3) Most people are really friendly most of the time if you engage them in a
positive way and are simply pleasant to be around. I strongly suggest that
when you meet some people you like at one of the aforementioned interest-based
clubs, you simply be honest with them and tell them straight up that you're
trying to make more friends in the area. You aren't going to get laughed at;
most people have been there and will be totally sympathetic and will invite
you along to something. In the case that someone seems mean, they're probably
an asshole anyway. Just make sure you smile and are pleasant to be around and
people will be friendly back to you.

Overall, it sounds to me like you're stuck in a sort of negative-self-image-
feedback-loop. Stay positive and smile a lot and I promise people will like
you.

~~~
VLM
As another introverted guy find an introvert compatible sport. Sport doesn't
just mean competitive league team ball games. I like hiking. Its dangerous to
hike alone. There are innumerable hiking clubs where you can meet people, or
if you're not in the mood to talk they'll at least make sure if you break your
leg you won't be left to die, plus you'll get some excellent exercise.

Asian is waaaaaay too vague but I did take a semester of Japanese for the heck
of it perhaps a decade ago, and the OP did ask to meet ladies, and the class
was about 50% women who would fight over the opportunity to "study" with a
native speaker. So lets go to the coffee shop after class and discuss the
homework further, etc. So find the local higher ed school and ask the teacher
if they'd like the help of a native speaker, even if all you do during class
is sip a soda I'm sure you'll get all the attention you can tolerate both
before and after class. Stay on the teachers good side by never interrupting
or correcting them unless prompted (their class, not yours). Aside from
language, an ethnic cooking class might like your help.

OP may think being foreigner means Americans won't care, but I found it
totally fascinating talking to a Korean coworker for endless hours. You need a
collection of conversation starters "well, in Korea we have vending machines
that contain beer" or "ah well a twelve hour flight back home next summer" or
"let me tell you about real korean bbq" or whatever.

------
billyjobob
Making friends is incredibly difficult once one is an adult, so I won't offer
advice on that. But you mention that your English is not at conversational
level. Therefore any attempt to make friends will be doomed before you evrn
start. You need to take English classes.

~~~
precisioncoder
This is your chance. The best way to meet friends as an adult is to have a
common activity. Learning English is an excellent way for you to meet other
people also interested in learning English. Jump online and find English
learning groups, English classes, etc. You should also look for meetups for
people of your native language so you can go to them as well. The next step is
go to the meetings even if they suck, even if you feel lonely and bored. The
best way to meet people is to get out there, you don't meet anyone in your
house. If you have an interest in a sport that's a great way too, however I
would say the more unusual the sport the better. With common sports like
Basketball or Soccer people often join in groups and it's harder to make new
friends. Something like Fencing or Archery would probably be better. I went
through the same thing in a different country, I made my few friends through
board games, d&d, and fencing.

------
yodsanklai
Even for non-introvert people, it may be difficult to make friends when moving
to a different country.

When I was living in the US, it was quite hard for me to make american
friends. Probably because of the language barrier, and also because the
"natives" don't feel the urge to make new friends as they have groups of
friends already.

On the other hand, it was much easier to bond with other foreigners,
especially people from my country or with similar culture. At least as a
starting point, I think your best bet would be to find other asians who you
could relate to.

Besides that, just taking place in various activities will eventually help you
to make friend (but it can take time). But not all activities are equal for
that matter so you may need to try a few ones. For instance, I was in a
swimming club where people barely talk to each other. And in a boxing class
where I made a bunch of diverse friends.

As for meeting women, online dating is the way to go I suppose. Living in New
York, i was very surprised how easy it was. Actually, I found it much easier
to find girlfriends than friends.

------
bfung
Also introvert Asian engineer here, quite a bit older, and it sounds like we
have different backgrounds. The good part is that you've identified what you
don't want. The trickier part is finding solutions.

1\. Do stuff alone? - simple as doing suggesting or asking to do things with
others. Don't have a roommate? Move and get a roommate. Interview them before
moving in. When I was 26, I was tired of being alone also, so I found a
roommate. It didn't work perfectly, but it helped me learn how to live with
someone else.

2\. English - to work on pronunciation, record yourself and listen to it.
Practice all the time, listen, and adjust. To work on phrases and vocabulary,
don't be afraid to ask people to explain it to you. Tell them you never heard
of the phrase growing up. It may spark a conversation and will help with
talking to people in general.

Like startups, there will be rejection and the fear of rejection. Look at your
successes and failures objectively and correct accordingly. Engineer your life
=D

~~~
allworknoplay
I strongly agree with the roommate comment and will take it even further.

I've lived in a 4-bedroom for years and the social opportunities never end. OP
should get some roommates. Then, throw some parties or host interest-themed
get-togethers (e.g. game nights).

------
was_hellbanned
Things that worked well for me:

1) Rock climbing gyms. I made a lot of great friends at Mission Cliffs and
Berkeley Ironworks. I have no natural talent for climbing, but I love the
mental and physical challenge, and I enjoy the social aspect.

2) A super-social connector. When I first moved to the Bay Area, I made a ton
of new connections through the marketing woman at my startup. Simply by saying
'yes' to invitations and actually following through, I found my social network
increasing.

3) Meetup.com and various activity groups. When I was in Tokyo, I found Tokyo
Gaijins to be a great resource for meeting people. Like food? Take a cooking
class.

By the way, living on the Peninsula without a car is social suicide. Move to
SF, that's where all the cool kids are. Also -- potentially controversially --
SF is the home of Asian women dating dorky white guys. If you want to meet a
nice girl, do what my (Asian) friend did and move to Vancouver, B.C. He went
from perpetually single to dating in a few months, and got married last year.

~~~
crimsonalucard
Asian Male here, can't deny the truth. Interesting recommendation. What is it
that makes Vancouver so great (for an asian dude)?

------
cousin_it
The Bay Area has a strong "rationalist" community (lesswrong.com, CFAR, MIRI,
etc.) which has tons of people like you. They have meetups all the time and
are generally welcoming, I've had a lot of fun hanging out with them. You
don't have to buy into the ideas, and you'll get to meet some interesting
characters, to say the least.

------
jsemrau
I have moved over the last 15 years from Germany to Hawaii to California to
Tokyo and now to Singapore. If you want to meet people you need to get out.
Join activities. In Japan I was cooking for the homeless
([http://www.foodbank.asia/our-program](http://www.foodbank.asia/our-
program)), in California I was studying Muay Thai at Stanford, in Singapore I
am playing In Shadows. There is always something to do you can enjoy. And yes,
when I originally moved I was introvert and awkward, too.

------
jiraaya
Get used to loneliness. I figured it the hard way, the more you try to get out
the numbing pain of loneliness by trying to make friends, the more people do
not want to make friends with you. Do your stuff, take music classes, listen
to good music, become awesome at the thing you're already good at through
practice and more importantly stop trying hard to make friends. Then you have
a greater probability that you'll make some good friends.

~~~
muhuk
A sensible suggestion among many canned responses.

I would say "get used to being alone", though. If you are OK with being alone,
you don't feel lonely very often.

~~~
fyrabanks
Reminds me of a Bukowski poem:

    
    
      there are worse things than
      being alone
      but it often takes decades
      to realize this
      and most often
      when you do
      it's too late
      and there's nothing worse
      than
      too late.

------
swalkergibson
The best advice I can give you is find a dance studio and take a beginner
Latin/swing/ballroom class. Make sure to find the super-beginner variety, it
will help to know that everyone is basically in the same place as you. It is a
social setting and everyone is there for basically one thing, to dance!
Approaching strangers and asking them to dance is not only not awkward in this
context, it is absolutely encouraged. It has the added benefit of you
collecting a skill that most men do not possess, the ability to dance. All
women love to dance, so you will instantly become attractive, regardless of
whether you are physically handsome or can speak English, you will immediately
climb the attraction ladder.

Seriously. Go out and dance!

~~~
jananananana
I was going to say the same exact thing. Take a dance class, then start going
to some social dances in the bay area, then meet up for drinks with people
afterwards, and then, bam you have a group of friends. Especially in the bay
area, there is a very strong dance community.

------
rfzabick
My advice? Learn to partner dance. I always say it's the most fun you can have
with modular arithmetic.

I'm pretty introverted, but I've been an enthusiastic swing dancer for 17
years now. Start by taking classes. You'll meet a bunch of people. Also,
there's a structure to the interactions there. You're all there to learn,
you're all just starting out in the dance, you're all meeting each other for
the first time, etc. After a few months, you'll start making friends from
classes. Somewhere in your first 1-3 months of classes, you'll go out dancing
socially, like to a bar, or a club, or a concert, etc. You'll meet more people
there, too. Also, it's super fun!

Another thing that has been great for me about dancing is that it's social,
but it's not very verbal unless I want it to be. There have been many times
I've felt drained and didn't want to spend a lot of energy holding up a
conversation. On those nights, I'd go out for an evening of dancing and dance
with 1 or 2 dozen different women and barely said more than "Would you like to
dance?" and "Thank you for the dance." I'm a native English speaker, but I
still find conversation draining sometimes. Dance gives me a way to get out of
the house and interact with people and avoid staying in the house and
compounding anxiety. Also, it's super fun!

Pick a dance where people go out and dance socially at places other than dance
studios (swing/lindy hop or salsa are your best bets. IMHO, lindy hop is far
and away the best. Also, there are tons of guys in IT in lindy hop, so you'll
fit right in.) Technically, people can ballroom dance anywhere, but in
practice, at least in Chicago, there are no weekly ballroom events that I know
of outside of ballroom dance schools. The reason I advise this is that classes
are great for learning the dance and for having a social structure to rely on,
but you also want to have unstructured social time with people you've been
meeting in classes. Also, you'll meet more people this way and dancing
socially is a ton of fun. If you have a weekly dance or two to go see friends
at, it's easier to stick with classes than if you're taking classes so that
you can get better for... taking more classes.

~~~
dragonwriter
I mostly agree with what you say, but ballroom is also a good choice -- its
true that social dances usually are held at studios, but they often draw a
broader crowd than dances at the same studio, and if you are in a place with
an even half-decent ballroom scene, you can find multiple studios besides the
one you take classes at (assuming you only take classes at one) for social
dancing, so you can get quite a bit of variety.

------
gregthompsonjr
With your current attitude, especially including the fact that you're
considering yourself an "Asian introvert" rather than simply an introvert,
you're not going to make friends. I think you should give up. The entire post
was one big self-loathe, and you need to stop feeling so sorry for yourself.
Also, you cannot be serious about that whole bit about a girl not wanting you
if you don't have a car. That's the mentality of a five year-old boy. Get some
confidence; do some push-ups. Get it together, engineer.

------
wellboy
The first thing I would to is to become interested in your co-workers. Ask
them about their lives, how they got to your company, why they came to your
company, what they did before. Ask them about their views on current events.
This is how humans connect, by being interested in one another. You might also
want to read
"[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influenc...](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influence_People").

The second most important thing is to ask for people for advice (which is what
you're doing right now). It can be work-related, life-related it doesn't
matter. By showing that you are open for advice, you show that you value their
point of view and you give them the opportunity to communicate what they're
best at.

Regarding how to find the right girl, check out the Youtube channel from RSD
Julien, the co-founder of Real Social Dynamics who is talking a lot about
self-improvement and how to constantly expose yourself to things you are
afraid of. But all in all, it's not about the girls, it's about you. So don't
chase after girls, chase after your own best self and the right girl that
loves you exactly the way you are will come automatically. He started out
similar to you, not having many friends and being afraid of talking to women.
Have a look here at his story
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGp25fn25Cs](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGp25fn25Cs)

------
ccrush
Learn to ride a motorcycle. They are great for your area, awesome on gas,
never worry about traffic, and park anywhere. But most importantly, anyone
with a motorcycle will treat you like a best friend or even a brother just
because you're riding a motorcycle. That's two problems solved at once.

Also, you're a techie so getting into a conversation at your local shop might
be a bit of a drag. Get online, find your local Linux user group, programmer's
meetings, hacker meetings, and similar events. Go there and start talking to
people. "How did you end up here?" is a great way to break the ice.

Finally, if you want to meet people outside your field that are interested in
the same things as you then try MeetUp.com for hobbies, OKCupid.com for
dating, and Craigslist for performing satanic rituals in the woods. Okay,
maybe I'm kidding about that one, but try it. Friday night you go on one of
these pages and find a MeetUp event the next day and go to it. After seeing
the same people a few times you can ask them for drinks or food after your
meeting. If you're brave, ask them the first time. Should be easy.

Also, your written English is fine and because English is spoken by such a
large number of non-native speakers you will find that most people will
forgive small mistakes. And the ones that don't are usually not worth your
friendship in the first place.

~~~
aianus
I bought a motorcycle when I was in school and never met anyone with it.
People will wave to you in the street but how do you turn that into
friendship?

~~~
ccrush
Take your motorcycle to a local monument or park or look-out spot. Park next
to all the other motorcycles. Find someone standing next to their bike and say
something like "that's a nice bike. What is that?" Let them tell you about
their bike. Ask them if they ride in the area. Tell them you're also from the
area. Ask them if they want to go for a ride sometime. See if they're with a
group. Ask if you can join their ride. Ride with them. Usually rides end up at
a restaurant or bar. Hang out. Exchange numbers. Go for rides some other time.
Tell them you're a new rider and ask for tips. Tell them you've never changed
your oil and ask them if you could do it together when they change theirs.
This works especially well if you have a bike that everyone else has. Get a
gixxer or an R6 and rake in the friendships.

------
kaitai
The two most valuable things I learned in high school:

* Most of the time, people are too worried about themselves to worry about you. For you, that means if you talk and smile, people will not care about your English. Yes, they'll notice it. They may even say to themselves, "His English is not good!" But if you act like it's not a problem for you, it won't be a problem for them.

* Schedule conversations and times to check in with people. A lot of posters here mention maintaining relationships, and many say it's hard for them. Just schedule it in! "Call Tony. Figure out conversation topic... hmm, just got new job, ask for advice." Or "Call Tony. Ask about his new car." Have a topic to start with and then see how things go. Maybe you just want to invite some people to a Mozart concert. The conversation might end after that, or it might continue. Either is ok.

A weird cultural thing: in Europe if I smiled as much as I do in the Midwest
of the US people would/do think I'm a little disturbed. In the US people smile
a lot. An Asian-American male friend has commented that people think he's
angry sometimes when he is simply looking into the distance and deciding
whether he needs to pick up cereal today or tomorrow. I'm sure this is not
true for everyone, but maybe think about what others see when they look at
your expression.

------
chad_oliver
The best way to make friends is to find some sport or social club and join in.
Friendships should develop over time, as you see people frequently in a
relaxed setting.

A good idea here is to join a social sports team -- in New Zealand I'd
recommend you play rugby, but I don't know what you play in America.

If you don't like sport, that's cool. Just find something that you're
interested in, and find some pre-existing group of people that is formed
around this common interest, and join in.

------
moab
Someone's already said it, but starting with something like meetup.com just to
give you that initial confidence boost and practice socializing would be
perfect. Once you've gotten used to seeing, talking, and shooting the shit
with other humans once a week I think everything else that you want (meeting
girls, making close friendships) will develop naturally.

Also, because you're in the bay, I can make a few personal recommendations:

\- Start rock climbing. If you're near south-bay, hit up Planet Granite. If
you're in the city, maybe Dog-Patch. You'll not only become stronger and more
physically confident, but you'll also learn how to socialize, meet, and make
friends with strangers.

\- Check our your local hacker-spaces. Hackerdojo is probably a good bet,
given your location. There's usually classes or meetups for a particular
interest on weekends which are well attended. At the worst, you'll show up and
learn something.

Perhaps one last bit of advice: try to learn to be happy by yourself. This
means enjoying the time you spend reading, learning, walking, etc, and not
spending that time contemplating how you'd be happier if you were with
friends. Gradually, this poise and contentment will transform itself into a
very attractive self-confidence :)

------
nickfox
I strongly, strongly recommend that you take up swing dancing. You do not need
a partner and you do not need to know how to dance. I promise you that if you
take a beginner class in lindy hop, it will be the most fun you have had in
years.

It's totally unintimidating. Lessons usually run for 6 weeks and you go once a
week. Usually the teachers will have everyone form a big circle and you will
rotate through partners. By the end of the hour, you will have danced with 20
or 30 different people. When the instructor says rotate, you go to the next
person, introduce yourself and then dance to an old 40s swing song for a
minute or so. There is nothing in the world like real partner dancing (unlike
that embarrassing thing that people call rock and roll dancing).

It's totally fun and you will make QUALITY friends. Not a bunch of drunk bar
flys. Most swing venues do not serve alcohol. It really is a small part of the
total experience.

Even if you are married, this would make a great date night. Give it a try for
6 weeks, you will love it. Here are some lindy hop places near you on yelp:

[http://www.yelp.com/search?find_desc=Lindy+Hop&find_loc=Redw...](http://www.yelp.com/search?find_desc=Lindy+Hop&find_loc=Redwood+City%2C+CA)

~~~
atmosx
It don't mean a thing, if it ain't got that swing!

------
edwinyzh
Non-English speaker here, not sure if I can express it correctly and
accurately, but I'll try:

Do NOT make friends just for making friends, but start doing something (sports
for example) you are interested in and join the group of people with the same
interest, everything else will follow.

And you seem to think too much even before you start interacting with other
people - yes, introvert people often act like this, but, try to enjoy the
moment. Try read The Power Of Now.

------
squigs25
Confidence is the name of the game.

I understand that it's tough not speaking English as a native language. I
understand that you don't feel like you have a lot going for you socially. At
the end of the day any one person can come up with a million reasons why
they're not "cool".

I program all day. I have bad breath. I don't drink. I have trouble hearing. I
have a soft voice. I get really sleepy.

It up to you what you want to let hinder your social life. In high school, I
was extremely introverted and had little experience talking to girls. To build
up my confidence, I started working out, reading magazines like men's health
and GQ to build out a more stylish wardrobe and pick up on some social queues.
And slowly I became friends with a few other people. We weren't the coolest
bunch in town, but by the end of my senior year, I was certainly one of the
best-known faces on my high school campus.

Of course, then I realized years later that while this was all good, I had
lost sight of one of true passions: programming ;-)

------
song
The one thing that helped me the most when I just finished university and
lived alone in a foreign country without any friends was to take a look at
activities and clubs nearby and become a member. Since I was shy and found it
hard to express myself, I decided to force myself to join an improvisation
theater group. This really helped me a lot to meet people I wouldn't have
otherwise met and to be in situation where it's much easier to communicate
because you have some shared interest which isn't work.

This may sound trite but I think that this really helped. My choice of doing
theater was also great to improve language skills and confidence I think (my
english wasn't that great either then).

I recommend clubs where there are activities because if you just go to
meetups, it's often very hard as the new guy to approach people. Social
activities like improv theater or sports or board games or anything like this
creates a basis of interaction with the people around you making it much
easier to meet.

------
actionable
Extrovert networker/sales guy here.

My advice is to focus on the things that really interest you. If you are
passionate about something, you'll get good at it and with skill you will gain
a quiet confidence.

Join a club (non tech/engineering related), if you suck at whatever it is,
people will be there to help you and teach you, you'll make friends!! And as
you get better, you can then help the other newbies that join up.

Quiet confidence is the critical success factor in the lady front. If you are
focusing on you and doing things that interest you, you will meet the right
kind of woman. If she's put off the fact you don't have a car - she's the
wrong woman for you anyway.

As previously said, 'How to Win Friends and Influence People is a must
read'... a must!

Once you have read it, THEN talk to a stranger everyday. Treat it as an
iterative process, split test approaches, track responses etc. You will learn
through failing forward, it's the only way.

Best of luck!

------
gdas
Normally, the root of this type of problem, is in the judgemental thinking.

I know how this is because I also judge a lot. I judge to the point of
creating stories in my head that, in the end, I think I should not act,
because of this, this, and that...

The solution to this issue is to lower your judgemental thinking. Relax. Don't
worry about your english, don't worry about what people might think if you say
what's in your mind, and stop creating stories in your head. Just be yourself.

If you're awkward, that's nice. If you have accent, that's nice too. If you
don't have anything to say, don't say anything. You know... these days people
urge to find good listeners. Everybody just want to talk, talk, talk, but few
really want to listen. Listen to what people around you are saying and I'm
sure you'll find good friends.

------
innertracks
Argentine Tango classes. Seriously. The bay area has some fantastic tango
opportunities! No partner needed.

Find a friendly, welcoming instructor and go to learn about the dance and
culture. Something curious: In the Seattle area at least the Tango community
is full of engineering types.

One of the great things about tango is how you ask people to dance. With your
eyes and nod of your head. It takes an amazing amount of pressure off when you
don't have to walk up to someone to ask them to dance. Something which
terrified me, sans alcohol, until I was in my mid-40s and started tango.

You'll definitely make friends. And there are opportunities, especially in
your area, to socialize as often as you wish. I feel like I acquired an entire
family by joining the tango community.

------
stared
In the Bay Area there are tons of fascinating people. I met more such in my
first 2 weeks there than in two years of living in some other places.

Being new to a place may be hard. But in the Bay Area you can find a
[http://www.meetup.com/](http://www.meetup.com/) for many, many topics (choose
topics you genuinely enjoy); it may be a great place to start. Being an
introvert myself (though one who have learnt to start conversations) having
some topic to start (like Meetup's main theme, or the last talk topic) is
great.

Lack of car in US may be a hard thing... but: you have Caltrain & as of now it
may be more cool (and healthy) to be more bike-oriented (at least, in the Bay
Area).

------
pavanred
I am Asian and am currently a student at an American University. I don't
exactly think of my self as an introvert but here is my (opinionated) 2 cents
based on my experience.

1\. You say you don't have any roommates, you should probably start there. It
will help you save money too. craigslist should be helpful there.

2\. You mentioned that your internship is about to end, why don't you take
your team out for a couple of drinks/lunch/dinner. You can thank your
colleagues for their help through your internship and also get to know them
personally/share anecdotes.

3\. Make a trip to the local pub/bar (specially near universities), you can
always strike a conversation with the bartender (maybe something like how you
miss a particular beer back home). After you had a drink or two, it lowers
your inhibitions, you could start up conversations with others, perhaps with
ones sitting next to you at the bar. I met a lot of different people like
this, not necessarily friends but you sure will have a good time.

4\. Since you are at the university, you should try to get into the community
groups, sports clubs etc.

5\. You would definitely have group projects at the university, pick different
teammates every time and make sure you use every opportunity to socialize with
them, meet at the library to study, ask for/offer to help in assignments,
suggest going out for dinner/drinks/movie etc. to informally celebrate
start/end of project, perhaps even a tiring day working on the project. And,
make sure you follow up and don't let those people slip away after your
projects. Invite and go out with them to catch up once a while etc.

6\. I noticed that, at least in my university, there are barely any Americans
in the Masters program if you choose courses in core computer sciences. If you
want to meet locals or people from different backgrounds/interests, then you
can choose to take up at least one course that coincides with your
hobby/interest e.g. music101 etc.

Edit - If you are at/visiting Chicago, let me know, I will definitely be up
for a beer to two and meet a new person

------
Fando
My friend! Best thing ON EARTH for this is a very famous book on the subject
"How to Make Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. I recommend the
audio version. It's practical and effective. Don't waste time, read/listen to
it and apply the principles it teaches. This is the Wikipedia entry about the
book. Use it to get you started.
[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influenc...](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influence_People)

Remember: The most important part is practicing the principles you learn. Get
out there, build your confidence and make some friends! Good Luck.

~~~
dnc
Thanks for the book!

------
mmaunder
This will disappear in the noise but I sincerely hope it gets to you because
experience has taught me it's true.

Firstly, it sounds like you are prioritizing school/work above yourself.
Remember that work and your education are a means to and end. That end is
having a fulfilling life and finding happiness. Now, I don't know you so your
goals may be different (e.g. you may seek spiritual enlightenment) but for
most people, happiness is what they're after and many don't even realize it.

Humans are social creatures, which is why social isolation is hurting you so
much. The way we've evolved physically even indicates this. For example, the
whites of our eyes are more exposed than any other creature including primates
and the color difference between our pupil and iris has a high contrast. This
is so that others can see what direction we're looking in - it's a form of
intra species communication that we've developed because we're such social
creatures.

Now, on to solving the issue of isolation.

I'm 40 years old and it took me the first 35+ years of my life to realize how
you make friends. It's quite simple:

You make friends through shared experiences and the more intense and prolonged
the experience, the deeper the friendship.

That's it. So lets test this:

Think of the best friends you have made throughout your life. They are school
friends, friends you did intense activities with, took risks with, got into
trouble with, failed with or had successes with.

For me they are surfing buddies, people I worked with at startups during the
dot-com boom (including my wife), people I climbed mountains with and so on.

I'm sure many on HN can vouch for this.

So assuming the above is true: That you make friends through intense shared
experiences, the problem you're facing becomes relatively easy to solve.

You're not going to make friends by going to a pub or standing on a street
corner.

You might not make friends in your internship because you're just too busy to
interact or it's not that kind of job.

You mentioned that you have weekends - and you currently dread them. So take
those two days and put yourself in situations where you have intense
experiences that you share with others.

You might join a mountain biking club and do beginner rides with other
beginners. Or if you're not physically active, join an ethical hacker group
and try to qualify for the DefCon capture the flag competition with other
hackers. I don't know what your interests are, but putting yourself in
situations where you're having intense shared experiences with others is what
you need to do. They don't have to be throw-yourself-out-of-an-airplane
intense, but riskier experiences are better at forming deep relationships in
my experience. So take a few risks with others. If you don't already have
friends, joining clubs is the best starting point I think.

Now, about those girls you want to meet:

The best way to solve this is to get a car. If you're in california you MUST
get a car. You are not going to get laid if you don't. Simple. Trust me on
this - I was a 20-something in Southern California working for a tech company
once. If you can't afford one, rent one on the weekends. Make a plan. But get
a car.

Secondly: You need to make a few bros. This sounds ridiculous but the best way
to meet girls is to get a few guy friends. You need social proof. You need a
few bro’s to vouch that you’re not insane, creepy or dangerous and to bring
you into a circle. So start by solving the problem of making guy friends.
Through your guy friends you will inevitably meet a few girls and they’ll
realize you’re OK because you’re with guys they know and things will start to
happen.

And get off Facebook. A wise man I know once told me that the less you have
going on, the more you’re on Facebook. Get out there in the real world and
start having some cool experiences with other people and you’ll find that the
rest starts to take care of itself.

And regarding your accent and ability to speak English: Don’t worry about that
one bit. Pretend the problem doesn’t exist, hold your head up high and just
communicate in your own way. Believe it or not there are people out there that
think that foreign accents and English learners are cool.

One last note: If you have trouble joining clubs or getting into groups to do
things, don’t let that stop you. Just go out there and do stuff on your own.
Go for a hike on a popular trail and force yourself to engage people you meet.
Ask them for directions if you have to even if you know where you’re going.
You’ll find there are plenty of friendly people (I’m one of them) that will
ask you to join them on the hike for a while and start chatting with you.

I wish you the very best of luck.

Edit: I wanted to add: Some folks have recommended Cialdini's "Influence" as a
book to read. Be careful of some of the stuff he teaches e.g. Reciprocity. If
you keep doing people favors as Cialdini suggests you will actually find you
are resented to a certain degree. As someone else here mentioned - having
people do YOU favors is a more effective way to gain friends - and make sure
you then return the favor but don't overdo it. Also "How to make friends and
influence people" is another book to be careful of. For example he teaches to
memorize someone's name and use it. Well guess what, every car salesman out
there has read this text and if you keep saying "Mark" this and "Mark" that,
I'm going to think you're a sleazy car-salesman-type and avoid you - and most
others will do the same. Just be confident, hold your head high and go out and
put yourself in situations where you're sharing experiences with the kind of
people you want to have as friends.

~~~
lifeformed
> Believe it or not there are people out there that think that foreign accents
> and English learners are cool.

Not only that, I think that a person who has an accent and speaks English
imperfectly, yet carries himself confidently, is particularly intriguing to
many people. They're often more interesting than the normal confident guy,
because there's an element of mystery. "This guy is really cool and is
probably popular where he came from. I bet he has lots of interesting stories
to tell about things I've never experienced."

Also, foreignness is probably the best conversation starter that I can think
of. People love asking about where you came from, and if it's true that so-
and-so happens there, and what do you like about America? People LOVE teaching
the basics about their culture to curious foreigners, it makes them feel like
an ambassador.

There's so much you can ask other people ("how does X work here", "Did you
grow up doing Y?"). If you can't think of something to talk about, talk about
food. There's a million conversations you can have about food to someone from
another culture.

In short, don't feel intimidated by being foreign - it can be a huge advantage
to you once you get confident!

------
huangc10
I have to be honest with you because it's something I've learned in the past
while and it's something you'll need to learn to accept. The harsh reality is,
there are a lot of people like you and sometimes you just have to learn to
live with it. First off, you'll need to accept this fact. When you have,
you'll want to do activities that will help improve yourself and boost self-
confidence (ie. working out, hikes, learn to cook better or whatever you
enjoy). Be active. Take pride in your work. Buying a car will also help you
grow and boost some self confidence. Improve yourself, and everything will
work out. That is the key.

------
sleepybo
No joke: I bought a dog. Probably the best way to come into chats with
complete strangers :-D Also don't underestimate the value of your body
language. That is often more important than your skill at expressing your
thoughts into language.

~~~
bshimmin
I think babies are the best way, actually. (I'm not advising the OP to have a
baby, though, at this particular juncture, though it'd definitely keep him
busy.)

~~~
manuw
babies depends on social contacts :P

------
adambard
The language barrier is a problem, but it can also be an opportunity. Try
looking for conversation clubs or meetups (look on facebook, too) -- perhaps
you can find someone who wants to learn your native language and you can teach
each other.

------
keepcalmiminit
I'd recommend you picking up a hobby where you'll have to interact with
people. For example joining a beginner dancing class (salsa/mambo). It's a lot
easier to start conversation with people who have common interest. It feels a
lot more natural. I'd also suggest to start working out a couple of times a
week. It will make you more confident. You also mentioned that you do a lot on
your own. Don't expect people to invite you to events. Try to plan something
on your own and invite them. Like movie/gaming night, barbecue and etc. That
will show that you are interested and want to be friends with them.

~~~
dnautics
I would add that taking a social dancing class is a good idea because OP
stated he wanted to meet women. So, that's kind of built in to the process...

In my experience ("lindy hop" swing, tango) social dancing has LOTS of
engineers/scientists so the communities are very accepting of the social
awkwardness.

And assuming the OP is Korean based on his handle, lindy hop is incredibly,
incredibly, popular back at home...

------
Tharkun
Try and find an English Conversation Class. This is not the same as "normal"
English classes (where you study from a textbook). In a conversation class,
you are grouped (or paired) with people who are in a similar boat to yours,
and you _talk_. Depending on the teacher, you will probably be given a topic
to discuss.

This is a great way for improving your language _and_ social skills, because
you're talking to real-life human beings. Conversing is (IMHO) the best way of
learning a language.

Good luck with it! And don't worry about being an introvert. It makes your
social life a bit harder, but it's not a show stopper.

------
jbernier
1\. Stop waiting to be invited to the party. Be the one who creates it (eg.
invite people out to lunch and other activities). 2\. Assume and act like
everyone you meet is already your friend.

Friendship (and success with women for that matter) is largely a self-
fulfilling prophecy.

3\. Go out, talk to people, and force yourself out of your comfort zone

No amount of reading and theorizing will ever substitute for real-world
experience.

You've got to learn how to create your own reality and not depend on others
giving you permission. Surround yourself with other confident people and pay
attention to what makes them different (hint: it's not their accent or
physical appearance).

------
icody
Bingo !!! Met someone like myself (few years ago). I can't read all the
comments and don't know if someone might have already mentioned it. Being
introvert is not bad (it's a sign of a Scientist or a total looser). And I am
sure you are not the later one (You being a Software Engineer :). The only
thing you need to do now is stop thinking about how others enjoy "Many people
spend money for the people they don't like, buy stuff they don't want, and
impress people they don't want to". Grab a beer on Friday night, I am sure you
can find another introvert. On a good Saturday morning wake up, listen to
Coldplay, play some games, go out for a movie @ 2 or 3, sit in a pub offering
happy hours 5 PM onwards and come back to home. If you are still left with
some energy continue the game you left in the morning. Wake up in hangover on
a Sunday Morning. Watch unlimited videos on YouTube or 9gag.tv, it will make
you feel there's still more retards out there in the world. End your Sunday
night somehow and the wake up early in the morning on Monday and start
studying (anything, anything you like. I would say learn statistics and
probability). Do your job and come back to home. Repeat it on weekdays. But
don't forget to plug in earphones all this time.

That would sound shitty, but I have inculcated it in myself and I would say
"Being introvert is awesome !!!". Enjoy and stay away from phone when you sit
in a pub :)

------
jakejake
One thing that I've noticed about people who are awkward at conversation is
that they may be fine with WHAT they say, but they often don't know WHEN to
have a conversation. For instance you probably will not have great luck making
a friend if you interrupt them at their desk while they are concentrating or
are in the middle of a conversation with somebody else. In fact, there may not
be very many times at work or school when people are receptive to talking. I
have seen a quiet person who never spoke a word to anybody suddenly make a
grand attempt at conversation just at an awkward moment, only to go back into
their shell when the other person wasn't able to talk just then. The thing is
- most people would actually want to make a new friend, but you may freak them
out with poor timing.

Some people are good at breaking the ice and chatting in any situation
whatsoever. These are charismatic people who don't need help making friends.
For the rest of us, we need to stack the deck in our favor.

So when exactly is a good time to talk to people? In my opinion that's when
they relaxing and having fun. So, how do you implant yourself into those
situations? As other have said, joining a club or doing some activity is
really the best way. If you are out there doing things then you simply will
have many more opportunities to talk to people. Sharing an activity will not
only give you that opportunity to meet people, but you'll have something in
common to talk about as well.

------
evanmoran
My advice is to strive for excellence and let the rest come in time.
"Excellence" is a journey you can do alone, and it will make you feel better
regardless of what happens for you socially.

Ok, so what does this mean? You mentioned you don't speak English well. So the
obvious choice is to go to classes to learn English. Definitely do that! But
also follow the path of excellence: teach others English. Go to conversation
groups and try to help people as much as they help you. Read books and share
your favorites with people there. Why do you like them? How did they make you
feel? Become more thoughtful. Which English words are your favorites? Memorize
your favorite passages and poems. This is going for excellence. It isn't easy,
but it's powerful.

Why does this work? Well, it turns out people who love what they do are fun to
be around. Now when someone says, "what do you do", you can tell them this:
"I'm really excited about learning English. I've never had a chance to really
focus on it until now." Then ask them what their favorite words are, and they
will join right in. Your energy and love of what you are doing will be fun to
be around and interesting.

So now you are learning English and loving it. Do more. Apply this principle
to work (master an area, really master it), to exercise (join crossfit, a
climbing gym, martial arts, or dance). Follow your interests most of all. Try
to put yourself out there 100%. It will take time to find mastery, but as you
improve others will notice your energy and be drawn to you naturally.

------
Lennu
Clubs, sports and other group events doesn't solve the underlaying problem
that in order to get friends or to become friends with someone you have to be
interested in that person. If you are interested at someone and value him/her
you will most likely like to spend time with them.

Everyone is saying that making friends as an adult is hard. Small talk,
meeting new people, being friends is actually really easy. Just be interested
about the guy/gal and listen to their story. I think you shouldn't even think
that "hey today I'm going to make a friend", they are people, all of us are
precious and have a great story to tell. You meet them everyday and if you
just wish to get to know them better, listen and be interested. If you can't
find the interest to listen to other people or do something with them, you
will probably end up not having too many friends. Think about the motives why
you want to meet new friends and why haven't you made them yet, what is the
underlaying cause? Usually it is not that you are an introvert or can't speak
the language properly. And this is something that you need to work with
yourself.

Sure sports and clubs can help with the meeting process but as there are
people everywhere, it is not the only way. You should go into these things if
you want to do the subject of the club.

------
Red_Tarsius
People who feel lonely eventually become resentful and self-centered; the
smallest social interactions gain major significance and are often perceived
as hostile.

There's a fundamental truth: You're obsessing over self-imposed issues.
[http://goo.gl/Doyja](http://goo.gl/Doyja)

Share your professional/personal experiences to the world. Join communities,
attend conventions and get socially involved. Once you start looking for it,
you won't believe how many opportunities are waiting for you every day. Be
PROUD about yourself and CURIOUS about others as well.

Think about this: by not sharing yourself, you're making a disservice to
anyone near who happens to feel the same as you. Everyone is just as "awkward"
as you when it comes down to human connections.

People deeply appreciate when you take the burden of breaking the ice; it's
the first sign of being CARING – a core quality of any friend!

Being POSITIVE is an attitude, not a mood. You can be sad, and yet still show
the confidence to overcome adversitites. Being positive is not only about
self-confidence, but about INSPIRING confidence to others. Again: share
yourself!

Lastly, don't let failure get into you; don't expect everyone to become your
friend, or you might fall again into the self-centered spiral.

I had been through that too. If you'd like an e-mail pal, feel free to contact
me. :)

------
sremani
There is a saying in improv, "if you are in your head, you are dead". I am an
introvert and spent my 20s in a mis-guided ways, trying to compensate for my
introversion with self-pity, joining the pick-up community etc. Its crazy but
in all fairness, first and foremost is that stop looking yourself as damaged
goods and trust me, you would need experience but "better alone than in bad
company". This is what I did to overcome my nagging short-comings,

1\. Work-out/Recharge - get into shape, not above average but the best
possible shape you can get into. 2\. Read, as an introvert this should not be
a big problem, but read classics, psychology, philosophy etc. stuff that is
not technical and computer science. You will pick language, knowledge and
wisdom from these books 3\. Mediate - we live in a hyper world, and most of
the loneliness and shyness comes from social anxiety, you need to relax -
respond to the situation but not react.

Listen.. Listen.. Listen. Talk to those people whom you are willing to listen.
Its much easy to engage when you can are willing to listen - most people think
they should have something interesting to talk, but often it is that they are
not interested to listen to the other person.

These are the things that helped me improve - am I an extrovert now?
absolutely not, but I am content with whom I have become.

------
rajdevar
I was in the same situation 4 years back. Being an immigrant it takes some
effort on our side to assimilate in the society and for introverts like me
(us) it takes a lot more. First thing I noticed is that I had a very low self-
confidence. I've been an introvert all my life with only few friends. Firstly,
what changed my life is getting a fitness club membership. It wasn't easy in
the beginning seeing all those big guys. So I used to exercise late nights
after 11p.m only because i was too self-conscious. My first friend in the city
was a cop, he used to exercise off hours.He taught me lifting weights and that
changed everything. He was like a coach.He wasn't like a friend i can hang out
but that was fine. I felt better and better about myself as I got stronger.
Secondly, I was a regular at start-up weekends and other business events .I
made friends with couple of developers and business people. I was looking to
make friends with them but they were only "networking". Later, one of them
asked me if I wanted to be his roommate so we can work on cool ideas together.
Slowly, I became friends with his friends. Also, I used to hang out at a 24/7
coffee shop and met other developers and designers. Thirdly, I volunteered at
a local animal shelter. I made friends while we walk the dogs and clean the
cats :-) .I met my ex-gf there. Also I read lots of books on the art of small
talk and how to master conversation skills. Recorded my voice and practiced my
accent until it got better. Hey Read this
[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Culture_shock](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Culture_shock).
Good luck!!

------
monster_group
I am not going to give you any advice but I can tell you my experience. You
can decide if there is anything meaningful you can get out of it. I was in a
similar situation as yours for several years (new to the country and culture).
However my English was very fluent. Never had any problem with holding a good
conversation with anybody. However, it didn't matter. Friendships are formed
based on what you have in common with the other person. The commonality comes
from growing up in the same country and culture - having watched the same
movies and TV shows, having same childhood heroes etc. No matter how hard you
try you can't overcome these limitations because you can't change the past.
Once I figured this out, I began to realize that I would effortlessly form
friendships with people who are most similar to me (education, background,
culture, nationality etc.). And with people who I didn't have much in common
with - no matter how hard I tried, we could not be friends. So I stopped
trying too hard and stopped being needy. My closest friends are still the ones
I formed back in my own country who now live here. You seem like a smart guy,
I don't think you will have any problems in making Asian friends with whom you
have most in common. Anybody else is a bonus.

------
roadadrenaline
As a son of Asian immigrants, here is what I can share from my parents' own
experiences 30 years ago.

1) It's really hard. My parents have been in USA for 30 years now, I can't say
that they have fully assimilated. They largely stick to Asian neighborhoods
with Asian friends. 2) Make friends through activities. Males tend to bond
around an activity/hobby, we don't get together just to get together.
Activities gives us something to talk about, something to do together and
something learn from each other. Maybe it's hacking electronics, gardening,
etc. 3) Find something to work at to boost your own self-confidence. It's a
cycle, the better you feel about yourself, the more people are drawn to you,
which helps you feel better about yourself. The internet typically recommends
exercise, but find something you think is a weakness and work at it. For me,
it's swimming in open water, which I find absolutely terrifying, but every
time I swim a little bit further, I feel a lot better about myself. 4) If you
need to get a roommate, get a roommate. Sounds like you are still in college
if you are in an internship. When you go back to school, embed yourself into
campus life. It's far easier to make long friendships in college than at work.

------
xarien
Go play a multiplayer game and join a guild. I know this sounds counter-
intuitive as how could you improve your extroversion by participating in what
most would consider an introvert activity? The truth is that while the social
contact is minimal (much greater these days with the adoption of voice chat),
it's still more than what you're currently getting. When you are a strong
introvert, you need to take baby steps. But this advice isn't without some
caveats. See below:

1) You have to remember that this is a stepping stone. Do not get overly
addicted. This is the double edged sword. If you can avoid addiction, this
will be a boon, if not, it will only hurt you. Don't forget that this is a
stepping stone.

2) Join a non-top tier guild. You're here to learn how to overcome social
anxiety, not to be the best damn xxx slayer.

3) Allocate a maximum amount of hours per day and per week you will play and a
minimum amount of hours you will play with others while doing so. Do not let
this simply turn into a game; it's purpose is to reduce social anxiety and
have fun doing it.

4) If there are people in the guild who are local (let's say within 100
miles). Go and meet up with them. You will have an instant bond and
conversation will flow much easier.

5) Just to reiterate the first point - this is a stepping stone.

Best of luck.

------
beyondcompute
\----- Thank you for sharing! Believe me: even for people that are reasonably
ok with strangers, it can be hard to find friends in adult age. I think, I
have the same kind of a problem. So I wouldn't concentrate on introversion or
something. In my opinion, reading books and reflecting won't help you much
either, so I wouldn't devote too much time to it. Excessive introversion is
not the most pleasant thing, but please don't be obsessed with it. Just be
yourself! ^__^

About meeting and finding friends. First thing that comes to mind is
participating in some group activity: take Salsa classes (a good way of
overcoming shyness, BTW). Buy a bicycle and get in touch with local biking
community (via forum or app like www.meetup.com). If you prefer running do the
same with running. Or horseback riding, or whatever. Or take cooking classes!
Just remember that it must be group activity and your task is not to learn,
for example, to cook but to participate in activity with a group of other
people. So if you did not find friends in current group for, say, 3 months,
move on to the next activity. Also, I would avoid IT-related activities as IT-
people in general are "not very social", mildly speaking (I am programmer
myself). Good luck!

------
peterburkimsher
What extra-curricular interests do you have? • Consider visiting a church. •
Go to an open language exchange group. • Look on CouchSurfing, and meet
someone for coffee. Those are usually free of charge, and will put you in
contact with mostly respectable people.

I'm a TCK, and I'm a foreigner everywhere. I'm now in rural India, and I
started a conversation in a supermarket checkout queue with some Chinese
coconut fibre traders. "Ni Zhongguoren ma?" "Oh, you speak Chinese? Where are
you from? Want to come over for dinner with us?" and now I have friends who I
meet every weekend. If you want to make friends online, and miss the days of
long conversations on MSN Messenger, try QQ. Several strangers have added me,
just wanting to make friends with someone outside China. If you're concerned
about language, you can use Google Translate. To save on copy-pasting, I made
YouLing for Mac:
[http://peterburk.github.com/youling](http://peterburk.github.com/youling)
that automatically translates both ways. I was also very shy and a victim of
bullying when I was younger, so have hope! There are millions of people like
you, and more who have had the same struggles before. Peter

------
ethnomusicolog
I am going to say something totally non-PC, and I apologize for that. Find a
bunch of people you would consider not very bright (from your POV) and do your
best to hang out with them at all cost. I can't totally put words on it, but
it seems to me the more "brainy" your daily thoughts, your social circles are,
the more you are at risk of losing your instinct for social relationships...
and the cure is to be realeased in the "wild".

------
kbart
I used to be like you (well, maybe except girls, never had problems with them)
till the age of 24. Now, at the age of 28, I live pretty active social life
and even managed to find few really close friends. The hardest part is the
start, to meet these few key people that will get you going -- the rest is a
snowball effect. That's no brainer of course, _how_ is the important part.
What I have done was making a simple rule to myself: "don't spend weekends at
home!". I just kept going anywhere: concerts, exhibitions, events, bars..
basically where people are socializing. Try to overcome your fears and start
some small talk: "did it start?", "how much is a ticket?", "what's worth
seeing here?" etc. get some confidence in yourself first. After you can
comfortably (more or less) ask random person a simple question, try to
initiate a little chat. Being smart and intelligent really helps as people
generally like chatting and discussing with such person, so you should be
fine. There's always a small chance, while chatting with other people, that
you will find something in common, something that might extend your
acquaintance.

------
boskonyc
Whatever your preconceived notions of psychoanalysis or any kind of therapy
(the kind not involving drugs), I would strongly urge you to seek out a well-
regarded and senior shrink or therapist in your area that you can afford to
see at least once a week. I'm not sure how one finds a good shrink in your
area. In New York, where I live, it involved reaching out to people I knew who
had grown up here—I realize this won't be your strategy, but perhaps there are
websites or organizations that can help direct you to a well-regarded
counselor.

Think before you choose someone; this will be a person with whom you'll spend
a lot of time talking about yourself. Is it a man or a woman? Are they middle
aged or perhaps older? Are they also Asian, or perhaps with another
background? Be honest with yourself about who you may feel the most
comfortable talking to. Take your time choosing somebody, and then see them
once a week. Don't expect results immediately, but if you can commit yourself
to seeing someone regularly for at least six to twelve months, the results may
well be life-changing, as they have been for many people I have known going
through similar struggles.

If you are naturally suspicious of counseling or psychoanalysis, think about
the definite upside of meeting with a shrink regularly: you'll have a regular
opportunity to practice and hone your social and conversational skills, you'll
get feedback on those skills from an honest professional, you will improve
your ability to express yourself to strangers, and you will work on your
general English speaking abilities that you mention are a point of concern for
you. If your budget can sustain it, it may well be the best money you'll spend
for the time being.

------
refrigerator
I think the one thing you can do that will have a good impact on every area of
your life is going to the gym. If you work out regularly and keep healthy,
you'll look much better and you'll be much more confident, and it acts as a
personal goal that you work towards every day. Go to the gym and work on
yourself (pursue personal projects, improve your mindset etc) and you'll find
that everything else improves.

------
Axsuul
Build self-confidence before worrying about women. Get used to making strong
eye contact. Learn to smile at every opportunity. Read some self-help books
like No More Mr. Nice Guy and Models by Mark Manson. Definitely take up some
hobbies that are outside of your comfort zone (something that doesn't involve
fixing syntax errors!). Do dance classes make you cringe? Great, you should
sign up for that immediately. Watch Yes Man, the movie. Go to the gym and
start lifting. Practice meditating everyday for just 8 minutes. Look up
rejection therapy, it's an app that gives you a challenge everyday to get
rejected. Rejection is good, you'll learn to just accept it and realize that
it's not a big deal after all which will allow you to overcome your fears,
loosen up, not give a fuck, and live your life on your own terms. You don't
have to do all these things at once. Pursue them one by one and I promise you
that amazing things will happen to you.

You're asian, so am I. It's very likely that you were raised by parents who
only cared about our academics and accomplishments. Unfortunately, we were
never taught how to be in touch with our emotions and sexuality. You will
never be truly happy until you learn to become comfortable with expressing
yourself freely. So with that said, you need to get used to getting out of
your head and not try to overthink everything. As nerds, geeks, and hackers,
our strongest trait is our ability to analyze things on a very intricate
level. But this is bad when it comes to relationships because connecting with
another human being is none of that, especially with women, who are very much
emotional creatures by design. It's great that you are speaking out about this
issue, not many can. Never be afraid to show vulnerability. Good luck on your
journey and please keep us updated!

------
mattm
I just finished reading the book "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World
That Can't Stop Talking"

Please read this. First off, it will make you feel better about yourself and
realise that there are many people like you. It also addresses the "Asian
introvert living in outspoken America" cultural issue.

To meet people, you need to change your environment. Put yourself in
situations where you are forced to interact. Groups or meetups are a great
place to get started. It depends on your interests but something active like a
sport or dancing will generally help you form better bonds.

Will it happen right away? No, but keep going on a weekly basis and become a
regular. You'll find that friendships will happen.

To initiate friendships from these situations, you need to move the
relationship to another setting. If you only see the person at the meetup,
it's more of an acquaintance.

If you get along with someone you can say something like "Hey, I'm thinking of
seeing that new movie this weekend. You want to come along?"

The envy you feel when you see groups is a good thing. It means you want to
move in that direction.

------
moron4hire
When I start to feel social anxiety, I ask myself, "what is the worst that can
happen?" And then I reply to myself, "a secret band of assassins could swear a
blood feud against my family." All of that is to underscore the absurdity of
fear and anxiety.

What really is the worst thing that can happen? People could not call you back
and invite you to the next party. Well, you weren't going to that next party
if you didn't make the effort anyway. And if you be yourself and they aren't
accepting of you, you don't want to be at that next party with those assholes
anyway.

Just remember, you're not going to find "best friends forever" right away.
Paradoxically, one of the best things you can do when you find a group of
people you like is to find another group of people. If you try to "over
optimize" your time with that first group, you could alienate them. It's
normal to go a month between seeing certain groups of friends, so if you want
to see people more often than that, then you have to find more circles in
which to hang out.

------
robgeorgeuk
I read this somewhere recently but I can't find the source but hopefully this
helps.

Find a club / local interest group on Meetup.com (or similar), go to this
group and see if you like it. You can usually get a feel for how friendly a
club is pretty quickly even if people don't approach you or start
conversations with you.

If you like the group then approach the organiser, let them know how much you
like the group and offer to help in some way, most events can always use extra
helpers. Exchange contact details and follow up with an email the next day as
a reminder that you were serious about the offer.

Here's the thing, people naturally talk to the organiser team as it's an easy
conversation starter ("hey, where is this/that. What time is x" etc) You also
become part of the team and included in more social things like visits to the
bar or other stuff.

Of course you also meet people with a common interest and other people that
are interested in socialising.

Clubs & bars are usually not good places to meet new people as most people go
there with friends so are not interested in meeting other people.

------
neilsharma
Friends introduce you to other friends, so there's a positive feedback loop.

I have several engineer/startup buddies that I usually hangout with once a
week, all about 23-30 years old. A couple of us would probably do something
low key (hang at someone's house + eat) this or next weekend. If a plan does
get put together, you're welcome to join! Just ping me (email in profile) and
I'll send you the deets!

Another easy option would be to ask people whom you work with to hang on
weekends (hiking is an easy activity, BBQ at the park also works). Go to where
most of them are (SF?) and make the hassle of arranging everything, following
through with reminders, a facebook event, buying most of the needed supplies,
making sure everyone has transportation, etc. Event arranging is a pain in the
ass, but if you do it a few times, someone is bound to reciprocate.

If you don't work with people anywhere near your age, or you don't care to
hang with them after work, then your current job is not socially fulfilling
and you should leave.

------
calmturtle
There is a lot of advice here on how to behave, what to tell yourself and what
to think. It's all nice but the ONLY way to get good at something is to
actually do it repeatedly and learn from what happens. To become good at
programming you need to be programming a lot. To become good at being social
(and making friends) you must be social a lot.

I would say that your main issue is not showing up at all the events where you
can socialize.

You have to consistently go to places where you can meet new people. No matter
how hard it is for you to go and face your fear you must do it. Start
researching meetups, co-ed social sport clubs, jiujitsu classes, volunteering
- anything you can think of that will give you the opportunity to meet new
people.

If you'll feel awkward or alone it doesn't matter. Keep going. At this point
you can start reading the advice here and books on the subject and think what
works for you and what doesn't. But remember that 90% is taking action and
showing up, that's the only chance something will change.

------
jkaunisv1
Life is an RPG, play it.

Grind your stats.

Strength: Find an activity you enjoy that also gets you active. Rock climbing,
biking, golf, ultimate frisbee, kite flying. Something you love doing solo.

Wisdom: When I'm learning a new language, I watch shows with English subtitles
so that I can hear word usage. If you can find a kids show you can tolerate,
it's better because you get a bit simpler sentence structure. So watch our TV
with subtitles you understand fluently. Also read in English, fiction or non-
fiction but nothing technical, start with kids' books, work your way up. Read
with a dictionary at your side and look up every word you don't know. Set
alarms on your phone and email if you need to be reminded to turn off the
computer and go outside. Also try siteblocking everything that isn't essential
to life.

Charisma: It can be easier to speak openly when you're not facing the other
person. Sitting or walking or riding bikes side by side, you don't have to
focus on their physical cues as much, and you can chat casually. One thing
that PUA's do that's valuable is grinding out that part of your brain that
worries about what other people think. Just grind it the fuck out, have
conversations and fail. If you're weird, let the weirdness show.

Dexterity: Women like a man who's good with his hands. Building skill in
something physical - carving wood, a sport, magic tricks - builds confidence.

Intelligence: You're an engineer, so engineer your way out of this. Don't
overthink every moment, but hack your social functions. Try to notice the
subconscious rules you operate on, if you have the money talk to a therapist
for a few sessions. It can be very helpful to have an intelligent and
objective expert point out your blind spots to you so you can work on them and
balance for them.

------
scottevi199
1.) the grass is always greener (translation: other people tend to appear
happier, more successful, etc... than they actually are; keep this in
perspective otherwise you will not be happy with the simple pleasures right in
front of you); 2.) meeting new people usually hinges on finding a common
interest; since you are self-conscious about your English-speaking skills,
perhaps start with a meetup group or association for people who speak your
first language (you will probably be more confident in the environment); next,
find a meetup group or association for your real favorite interest...
[http://www.meetup.com/](http://www.meetup.com/) 3.) I find it easier to talk
to other introverts like myself, because I know they are pretty much thinking
the same things you and I are thinking, they often don't bullshit as much so
you can trust what they are saying much more, and they often value your
friendship and are overall better friends.

------
the-skyo
Obviously, you want to change somthing in your live - therefore you have to
start doing new things. Start doing things you always wanted to try and are
social and enforce human contact in real life. Skype, MMORPG etc are not a
complete interaction as they lack body language and don't develope a lot of
subtle communication skill.

Look for hobbies which can be done on a regular basis in clubs ("Hi there!
-smile- I am new here, explain me how you are doing xyz) or surprise your
coworkers with a random idea ("guys a always wanted to play paintball, who's
in? ... Common its a one-off")

Be decisive. Tell people about your decisions and passions.

It seems to me, that you are VERY grounded (calm, sophisticated in the way you
do things). You should develop a certain volume of aggressivity and begin to
take a risk.

Concerning woman, checkout [1]. However, things they say can be applied to
every human interaction!

[1]
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JPCU03Dp8Zw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JPCU03Dp8Zw)

------
cafard
1\. Volunteer. You are highly qualified to tutor in a number of subjects.

2\. Look for athletic teams. I'm a boomer, so I'd never have dreamed of
playing kickball after 6th grade, but I see millenial twenty-somethings out
there in their kickball tee shirts all summer. Or, if you can hit and field,
there's softball too. And there are running groups and bicycling groups.

~~~
_archon_
I would like to endorse the idea of tutoring; it can have the free benefit of
having your pupil help you with pronunciation.

I would like to expand on point 2. If you make a point to introduce yourself
all around and don't interact other than that, you're still in a social
situation that benefits you, even if you're focused on playing the game.
Further, over time, teams will have some churn, so you're setting yourself up
to have medium term casual relationships with lots of people. Finally, there's
often a bar outing after such games, allowing for further interaction. Tell
your team that you're working on your english; they're committed to you via
the team, and are likely to provide you with consistent and quality feedback.

------
GHFigs
Based on this: _...it 's really painful on times when I have a lack of self-
confidence. I think it may even become dangerous later._

I suggest reading these:
[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_anxiety_disorder](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_anxiety_disorder)
[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Therapist](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Therapist)

Being introverted doesn't have to be painful, and you don't have to stop being
introverted to stop hurting. A good therapist (and/or medication) can help
with that. Part of that will involve changing how you think about yourself,
and part of that will involve practicing the things you aren't confident
about. Talking to people will become easier that way.

In the Bay Area there's a good chance you'll be able to find a therapist that
speaks your native language. If you find it hard to open up with them, start
by showing them this post.

------
Causalien
I thought I had social interaction down pretty well. At work, I'd always have
an entourage of people near my desk chatting. I see friends once a week. But i
had no idea that I can be what I am now.

You know those people who can just strike up conversation with anyone? Yeah,
It took me 6 months of travel. I suggest you take a gap year to travel.
Hostels are the best place to practice social interaction and even if you bomb
it, there is always a new group tomorrow.

believe me when I say, it is not your language skill that is lacking. You just
aren't interesting enough and haven't tested out the way to converse with
people effortlessly yet. As an engineer, do a trial and error if... else if
....

I know this because I met a south Korean with broken english who learned
English within one year of travelling. He was the centrr of attention and he
talked to everyone. The feeling was, it's just talk. Don't make such a big
deal out of it. Some people are assholes and you move on.

------
mw44118
Idle social chit chat is not easy for a lot of people. So don't waste time
with that. Instead, think about how you can use your gifts to help other
people.

Don't volunteer to hand out trays at a soup kitchen. That doesn't leverage
your skills. Instead, volunteer to analyze their inventory system to look for
more efficient patterns.

Since you're an engineer, you're probably good at math. You could probably
teach a GED-preparation class to high school dropouts. You could teach a
community college class or tutor a group of students. You'll get practice with
talking to people and you'll probably really help out others.

There are a TON of nonprofits that need technical help. Volunteer to run a
website (for example). If you don't know how to do that, learn in all that
weekend free time!

You have a lot of power to make the world a much better place. Do that
selflessly and friendships will follow.

Friendships among dudes are best thought of as alliances formed to help reach
a goal.

Find a meaningful goal.

------
kalasoo
Hi, friend! I had similar problems before. [Chinese]

As a foreign student studying at UK, the cultural difference is exceedingly
scary for me at first glance, like the food names, clothings codes and
behavior manners. I enjoyed life at Berkeley, while my life here at Cambridge
is a big step for me.

However, I have found several hints that may help you understand why you need
someone to chat with.

1\. As a foreigner, being involved in a community or a small group of friends
makes you feel safe.

2\. Introversion is not an excuse for being alone, rather, it is a personality
that you may enjoy being alone.

3\. For those people who have poorer English than you, like me, can have close
friends to chat with. What you really need is to target small and expand your
social life gradually. (just like a startup)

4\. Last but not least, having two or three close friends who understand you
and support you is much more valuable than saying hello to everyone in a large
party. Check your contact and find them! Ask them for a drink! Playing games
together!

Hope this helps. ^_^

------
neurologic
You must see a good therapist, even if you pay out of pocket for your
sessions. I am also very introverted and have also gone through a few years of
loneliness, though not as intense as yours. It's fine to try and fix your
problems on your own, but when you fail for several years, there is no shame
in getting help from a professional. Psychotherapy has made great progress in
the past 50 years with the discovery of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is no
longer the wishy-washy pseudoscience that it used to be. Of course, a
therapist is not a magician, but it may really help. You must explore this
option.

Maybe, like me, you think that seeing a therapist is shameful because it is
akin to "admitting defeat". However, it sounds like you've been in an
extremely difficult and painful situation for a number of years, which makes
seeing a therapist not a defeat; on the contrary, it is the correct thing to
do.

Good luck, I hope that you get better.

------
briantakita
Get out of your head. You are perfect the way you are. Live in the moment.
Love yourself. You don't need anybody else to complete you.

Find something that you are passionate & knowledgeable about that others are
also passionate about. Preferable with women. Join meetups.

If you are knowledgeable, you can be an authority figure, which is high
status.

Exercise, preferably with other people. Get used to being around confident
people.

I personally like yoga. Particularly Kundalini Yoga, since the practice
emphasizes social interactions & it's practitioners are full of love.

Figure out what you are good at. You can also get friends who compliment you.
For example, you may want to find someone who more socially inclined, but not
good in an area that you are good in. It could be mutually beneficial.

Make sure that you are giving & receiving from the friendship. Don't allow it
to be a one-sided friendship or someone will grow resentful & not in control
over their own life.

------
xwing88
Is this really about introversion? You have a hard time with the language and
you want to socialize. I would recommend first finding an asian group of
friends that mixes with non-asians. That way to can hang out, get translated
and slowly integrate into non-asian groups as well. It will take time, enjoy
the process and be patient.

------
unsignedint
I am somewhat in the same boat as the OP. I'm originally from Japan, and all
his points #1, and #2 are somewhat applicable to me.

Speaking out from my experience, consider volunteering for something you are
interested. I am volunteering for the anime convention for past 10+ years now
and it actually does help you find new friends, because you are pretty much
forced to communicate with other people. I was a bit of a lone wolf before my
20th, now I know a lot more faces than I used to be.

When it comes to more intimate relationships, then mileage may vary. Hate to
say, but the #2 factors can make it very tough. Honestly, I'm struggling with
that myself as well, so not much of advise I can give here... (It's a one
thing if I can find someone who can embrace the way I am, then that'd be
great. But I'm getting older and honestly, I just don't feel worth changing my
lifestyle for...)

------
blatherard
A few shy/introverted friends of mine like to go to board game playing events.
One nice thing about these kinds of events is that there's a lot of structured
interaction through the games, and there's an obvious thing to talk about. In
my experience, this takes a lot of conversational pressure off and you can be
yourself a bit more. And go easy on yourself! Try to enjoy the company of
other people without pressuring yourself to "make friends", whatever that
means exactly.

Looking on meetup, here's a couple over your way (I'm in NYC, so I can't vouch
for these)

[http://www.meetup.com/silicon-valley-tabletop-
games/](http://www.meetup.com/silicon-valley-tabletop-games/)

[http://www.meetup.com/Peninsula-Board-Games-and-
Drinks-20s-a...](http://www.meetup.com/Peninsula-Board-Games-and-
Drinks-20s-and-30s/)

~~~
pessimizer
I was about to post the same thing. It's a form of structured interaction
that's _not at work._ In a meeting at work you know what your role is, so when
everybody looks to you, you know what to do. Board games are the same way -
there's no pressure towards non-purposeful talk, but non-purposeful talk is
welcomed. You could be quiet the entire time, and everybody would enjoy your
company and invite you back.

OP: If you were in Chicago, I'd invite you by. There are a few particularly
difficult games that I own that I need a few particularly lonely people to
spend the time with me to figure out. Meetup is a great place to start.

------
csomar
As someone who was, and because of moving places frequently, becomes in your
situation. Here is my advice and what have worked for me.

Your situation is special. Most people at this age have friends. Most people
_are not_ looking for new friends or are not willing to invest in a new
relationship.

You need to know that because it'll save you lots of time, effort, money and
pain.

You need to find people who are in your situation. They do exist and they are
everywhere. Starting a relationship with them works most of the time, because
they are looking to hang out with someone. They are willing to invest
regardless of the language barriers or the cultural differences.

How to find them? You need to become more visible, and have an instinct at
knowing who these people are. Never invest, or try to invest into someone who
has lots of friends.

They are in the coffee, the street, the gym club, library, shopping mall, the
nearest park, events, internet...

------
fmdud
Try and get interested in something outside of the tech bubble, preferably
something which takes you outside.

Brush up on conversational English. Don't sweat the fact you don't have a car.
If people don't want to hang out with you because you don't have a nice car,
find different people.

The advice here is good - learn to be happy and comfortable on your own. That
_doesn 't_ mean wallow in your loneliness, but don't think that someone will
come along and magically make you happy. It doesn't work that way. If you are
comfortable on your own, you'll be the kind of person that other people are
interested in. It's only difficult to meet people/women if your life isn't
worth being a part of. Make your life interesting enough _for yourself_ that
other people will want to take part.

Good luck. If you want to talk more, I'm at fareeddudhia at gmail.com

------
jlkijhoilj
As someone who used to be a much more introverted person and have sense became
more extroverted in the past few years. The way I did it? Pick-up artistry.
aka Learning the art of dating and relationships. This not only helped me with
dating and love life, but more than that I learned how to be the best version
of me. Now usually when I am with friends that are extroverted I am usually
the more extroverted one! the most helpful was the base of my growth and
learning which was by a man in the pick-up world known as David DeAngelo. His
videos called The Mastery Series was probably the most eye opening and
influential group of videos I have ever seen in my life. It helped me to look
at my own "holes in my emotional armor" and be able to fix them. I highly
recommend these. I also found that it makes being able to sell much easier and
better too. =P

------
Spittie
Hey, I feel you. I'm not Asian, but I'm introvert. I'm a tad younger, at 20
years old. I'm also unemployed (yay!).

Anyway, I've never have tons of friends, but after finishing high school, I've
cut almost every relations that I've had with others (on one side, I've never
had a friendship outside school, on the other side, it's my fault since I'm
not good at maintaining relations).

So you could say that I'm currently in a similar situation to you. I don't
have much to say but the usual suggestions that everyone will give you, since
really isn't much to say.

If you have any hobby, it might be worth searching for local shops or local
meetups for it. If you like card games and/or board games, you'll always find
some shop in a city. If you like sports, join a local club, it's usually a
decent way to make friends. Conventions seems to be rather frequent in
america, so you can try and go to those.

Getting friends in a skill that you have to develop over time. Many, many
people just take it for granted, since most are born with it, but for some it
takes years to master.

When you meed people, try to not be shy. Talk, look at them and not
elsewhere/the floor, don't cross your arm. In short, watch your body language.

If you have nothing to say, ask them about themself. Most people just love to
talk about themself. Don't be shy to ask, at worst they'll just shrug it off
and switch the arguments to something else.

Try to remember their names, it's a nice thing that most people will
appreciate. Also, after you've made a bit of conversation and you like them,
try to maintain that relations. Ask them a contact, and contact them from time
to time (just don't be overwhelming, otherwise you'll look like a creep). If
they're interested, you get someone to talk, otherwise it's not hard for them
to not reply.

Someone is suggesting you to get a dog, and I can say that it's a wonderful
way to have random small talks (especially if you have some kind of rare dog).
But remember that getting a dog is not something you can do lighthearted, it
will take tons of efforts.

As for your English, just try to speak with other people, most will not mind
your bad english as long as it's not painful to understand (and given how you
write, I don't think it is). And you'll get better over time.

That's mostly what it comes to my mind. It might work or not, but it's the
usual suggestions you'll read over the internet. I can say that I'm a better
listener after following those, but my introversion is still blocking me from
joining a club (but I've started running, maybe I'll get to know someone with
it?).

If you want to talk, my email is in my profile page. I can't do much
(especially since there is an ocean between us), but I find that just writing
something helps a lot to get your ideas clear.

~~~
purringmeow
Sorry if that's not the right place, but I have a similar problem.

I am a 1st year CS student and I can't find a coding buddy. By that I mean
someone to study new technologies with, to work on learning-focused projects
together and exchange ideas. Most of my schoolmates are overwhelmed with
classes and don't have time or desire for partnering up.

So, HN, if you are up for some node.js/javascript or C++ learning, it would be
awesome to get in touch. I've even posted a thread[1] on reddit, but so far no
luck.

[1]
[http://www.reddit.com/r/ProgrammingBuddies/comments/27zn0i/n...](http://www.reddit.com/r/ProgrammingBuddies/comments/27zn0i/nodejsjavascript_beginnerintermediate_looking_for/)

~~~
alandarev
Apologies for offtopic.

purringmeow, sent you an email. I am as well looking for a node.js buddy.

------
izzydata
I'd just like to point out the improper use of the word introversion here. The
author is using it as a synonym for being shy or being a loner. You can be
outgoing /social and be an introvert. Being introverted simply means that your
life is more focused inward and you find comfort from yourself.

------
ColdHawaiian
Do you have a hobby? Something that you like to do for fun? Hobbies that you
can share with other people are a great way to make and keep friends. You
might even find a girl friend through a hobby.

Your hobby can be anything. For me, it's dancing. For other people, it might
be video games. Take your pick. There are a lot of cool things to do out there
in the world. Go out there and explore, meet people.

For example, Polaris is a YouTube network of people who generally like to play
video games:
[https://www.youtube.com/user/Polaris](https://www.youtube.com/user/Polaris).
It's a bunch of friends (and business partners) who all share a love of video
games and games in general. So even something like video games can be a
vehicle for making friends (and meeting girls), if that's your thing.

------
bybjorn
Making friends in a new place can be difficult, especially if you have
finished school and are living in a big city. It's not an uncommon thing to
struggle with, a lot of people have it this way - introvert or not.

My tip would be to get involved in some activities you like, sports or
otherwise. That way you'll meet new people, that you interact with in that
setting. Of course, taking it from that setting to other settings can be the
hard part, but after a while when you get to know people you'll see who you're
getting a long the best with. A simple question like "So, what are you doing
this weekend?" can go a long way.

Meeting friends is a bit like hooking up with girls and dating in general.
Find the ones you get a long with well, don't come off too needy and then make
a suggestion when the time is right.

------
boyter
I had the same problem. Its a bit late for you to do what I did but if anyone
else reads this it might help them.

When picking college/university I went for one where nobody I already knew
went. I also lived on campus. The idea was to force myself to interact with
others and not live with my parents. I stayed on campus over the weekends and
took part in all the dorm activities.

It totally worked. I went from being awkward to having confidence. So much so
I managed to secure several scholarships the next year including an
international exchange program.

The result of all this totally changed my life in a positive way. It doesn't
take much to change but it will take time and a conscious effort on your part.
The only thing I would keep in mind is people have to get something out of the
relationship. This applies both ways. You have to give and take.

------
ilamont
_I do not even have roommates._

When I was in my 20s I moved to several foreign cities in which I knew not a
soul. Every time I was able to jump start my social circle through my
roommates, almost all of whom were not native to the city in which we lived.
We had very different national, employment, and educational backgrounds, yet
the shared experience of being in these new places and doing lots of basic
living things together (cooking, cleanup, paying bills, etc.) as well as fun
social things (going out, celebrating birthdays, and day trips) really helped
us bond.

This ties into what @mmaunder says (1):

 _You make friends through shared experiences and the more intense and
prolonged the experience, the deeper the friendship._

1\.
[https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7900487](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7900487)

------
iMark
My experience shares many similarities with yours.

What transformed my life was taking up juggling (contact juggling
specifically) again. I'd learned a little at university but gave it up after I
graduated. I got back into it years later, entirely by accident, and it's open
up a whole new world to me. I've made friends in countries across the world
and I regularly travel to juggling conventions in the UK where I'm based and
further afield. I even perform a little these days.

I'm not necessarily advocating that you take up juggling, but whatever your
interests, there's almost certainly a group of people out there who'll share
them. Find them and you'll be surprised at how quickly you can bond with
relative strangers over a common interest.

I was 32 when I got back into juggling. It's still early days for you!

------
ljsocal
While you're an introvert, you have a strong drive to socialize so you should
nurture that part of your personality. Get comfortable with being
uncomfortable. If you develop a sense of humor about it, it will take some of
the pressure off.

Also, everything you describe could be interpreted as self-centered or (less
attractive) self-absorbed. One way to get out of that loop is to start doing
things for other people. Volunteer at local food banks, runs/walks for good
causes or tutor little kids in reading/math. All of these things will get you
outside of yourself and introduce you to great people...potentially good
friends or connections to good friends.

Last, it's probably been said here already...work on your language skills and
find a teacher who can help you reduce your accent if that is also a problem.

Good luck!

------
m4rcadam
Speaking from personal experience: Do things you are interested in, and find
hobbies. Do things because you genuinely like to do them, and don't think
about ways to find friends, friends will come naturally. As to your english
speaking you WILL get used to it eventually, just make sure you practice when
you're around people, and even when you're not, i found it helpful to express
myself out loud more often even if i'm not around people, makes me look mental
most of the time but it works, and you'd feel so much better about yourself
when you're talking in public. Also, you're multilingual, most people aren't,
you shouldn't feel bad if you're still picking up a new language, it's
supposed to be hard, people understand that.

------
rbonvall
One usual advice is to take classes of something that interests you. Let me
add something that I've realized about that.

A lot of people feel awkward at the notion to take classes about something
they are not good at. "Dancing lessons? I suck at dancing!". "Joining the gym?
But I'm out of shape!". I find this really strange, but it's something I've
heard many times, specially from people that is usually very rational! I don't
know about you, but you may feel this kind of anxiety.

The whole point of taking classes is starting to stop sucking at something. I
love the feeling of immersing myself into something I don't know absolutely
nothing. The point isn't to be the best. If you take this route, avoid being
self-deprecating, relax and just enjoy the ride.

------
justplay
Hello,

I had same experience. But i do have nice friends, but this friends aren't
like me in one thought. They hate IT related works. Due to this, i live alone,
i went hospital alone , i even goes pub alone. I do have lonely life but i
think i have chosen it. I am the person who responsible for this or you can
say the circumstances made me.

Now, i am moving to silicon valley with a hope that i may have good time with
my bodies to whom i work with.

The only thing i can do now i dont think about this too much.

If you really very concerned and want all your social life back i guess you
should join some big MNCs. The life is really awesome there(i never
experienced it but i have seen many people)

The choice is up to you. Think about this closely. What is the thing that
keeps you away from the people, find it and abandon it.

------
roflson
This may get lost near the bottom, but instead of analysing what or why you
are in your situation, here are a couple of concrete suggestions:

1\. Go and volunteer with redbrick.org. You can conceivably fill two half days
of your weekend doing something good, often with other people who are flying
solo.

2\. Try rock climbing. Take the intro to climbing class at a local gym (there
is one in Sunnyvale and a few in San Francisco). It's extremely social, and
you always have something to talk about (rock climbing)

3\. Go to a meetup.com group of interest. Try something that you are into, and
something you aren't. But it will get you out of the house.

If these kinds of social activities fill you with forboding, that's fine, but
people are very open and welcoming and this may give you a building block.

Good luck.

------
mattquiros
You should seriously consider going to the gym. It helped me build my
confidence and the way I carry myself around strangers. Doesn't quite give you
better communication skills but it's all in the confidence, really, and
confidence in yourself you'll get.

------
shanecleveland
I consider myself an introvert, and I believe it has less to do with your
ability to make friends than it does the level importance you place on
socializing and making friends. I've had periods of my life where I've felt it
was important enough to be social and reach out to people that I didn't mind
as much putting myself in uncomfortable situations. But it is rewarding an you
gain confidence. I knew it was something I would have to do to enjoy certain
aspects of college, enter into a career and start a family.

Just be careful not to try to be somebody that you are not. Be true to who you
are. It is easier to make friends naturally by joining a community with the
same interests as you. They are out there!

------
rabbitjoseph
First, thanks for sharing. It helps me feel a little relaxed in knowing that
it is not just a problem for me. And hope it works the other way around too.
=)

I think there are a few factors. Being introvert is just one. Being an
immigrant is an important factor too (I assume since you mentioned you are not
native English speaker). It is not easy being an immigrant (in a new
environment and new society, sometimes all by yourself), and combining being
introvert it is definitely harder.

I suggest the best way is to start small. Start with things you can do. For
example, maybe get a car? If you are an engineer I suppose financial wise this
is not a big problem? In the US being able to drive around and move around on
your own is very important, since public transportation is very limited. This
will give you a sense of being in charge, being more able to initiate actions,
instead of waiting for people to pick you up because you don't have a car.

AS far as friends go, it would be easier to start with people with similar
backgrounds instead of local people, especially for an introvert. (But if you
have opportunity to talk to local people, by all means do it as well.) Do you
know other people in your company that is around your age and is also
immigrant / Asian? Another way to reach out is to find people with similar
interests. A sports club (soccer, tennis, whatever) if that is your thing, or
a reading group?

Another thing for me, (not sure if it is for you) is that I have to tell
myself to "open up" a little bit, not afraid of making mistakes or being
awkward. This is kind of chicken-and-egg. You need confidence to feel free to
try and not care about mistakes. You also need to not make many mistakes to
have confidence. But as a non-native, sure there are a lot of mistakes to
make, English or other wise. I guess I can only start "faking" it first
(wink). Or maybe a change in attitude: instead of feeling dead-fish when
making a mistake, try to think of it as something funny. (Language mistakes
actually can make a good funny story when talking to friends.) When one can
laugh at himself, other people feel at ease too.

Hope you will get better through time.

------
illeagle99
You probably won't read this, but I'll give my input as well. It might seem
hard, but force yourself to interject in conversations. Force yourself to try.
You might not understand it, the others involved may not understand you, but
its through that kind of embarrassing failure that you begin to succeed in
social ventures.

But the easiest thing to do, to grow out your sense of social comfort, is to
talk to someone who is not engaging anyone else in conversation. Spark a
conversation with them. This too will still be awkward until you do it a
sufficient amount of times.

you have to learn to not fall victim to your embarrassment. Embrace
embarrassment. It often means you're learning.

~~~
josephjrobison
Yup - I was always afraid to talk unless I said the right thing, but you gotta
just comment on something in the conversations every few minutes. Saying
something stupid is often better than saying nothing in my opinion.

------
janjongboom
The language 'problem' is covered by quite some meetups, I found one [1]
pretty quickly that looks like fun in SF, but there will be more.

Another thing that helps me connect to people quickly is the local couchsurf
community. Just show up at one of their meetups, in general it's all people
from around the world that are easy-going and up for fun. Plus they're
interested in different cultures so you can learn them a thing or two as well
:-)

Regarding girls and cars, that's just crazy talk. Just say that you're an
environmentalist if anyone ever asks.

[1]
[http://www.meetup.com/languageloverssf/](http://www.meetup.com/languageloverssf/)

------
mephi5t0
I became a good friend with my current coworker. We went to Islanders game. We
watched games in the bar. Our friendship was developing steadily. Then I went
to his apartment and discovered he lives in the same building (that has 30
floors) on the same floor, in front of the guy we knew for years through my
wife work. We dug thorough the old pictures and found my "new" friend on the
pictures of our older friend kid's baptism. World is small. Tons of people to
meet. Everything starts form the talk. If you get common interests you will go
from there.You can't become friends with someone you don't spend time with.

~~~
crimsonalucard
I think this says something about the places where we live.

------
eluckyg
Isolation is a self-perpetuated emotion and reality, and that's what makes it
so dangerous. Loneliness is similar to sitting in a large room full of
cubicles too high to see over. you feel entirely alone, and yet right next
door there is another person feeling the exact same way. but you're right
there. In real life, this cubicle wall is fear of rejection or failure, or
even thoughts that you're not worthy of another's time and affection. But if
you reach out, take a chance, you just might raze those walls. Suddenly,
you're seated at a the table, and I'm sure your english won't fail you then.

------
benjamincburns
I'd highly recommend doing two things in parallel.

1\. Read _How to win Friends and Influence People_ by Dale Carnegie.

2\. Try to talk to someone new every day.

On item 1 - I promise that it's not as lame as the title makes it sound. If
you internalize the core advice behind this book it will drastically improve
your life and it will make you a better person.

On item 2 - don't go overboard with this. There's no need to go outside of
your comfort zone. Instead just try stretching it a little. To get started
don't walk up to people out of the blue and just start talking to them.
Instead if you happen to be near someone, just make some observational remark
to them and see how it plays out. Or alternatively if you're wondering about
something, ask the person next to you. The goal shouldn't be to befriend every
stranger you meet - but instead to have a very short chat and move on with
your day. I recommend doing this while reading that book because it'll give
you a chance to experience and observe some (most) of the things he talks
about.

Finally, you mentioned wanting to meet some ladies. Assuming that you mean
you're looking to "play the long game" and find someone to settled down with,
I'd strongly advise _actually_ playing the long game. Don't make meeting women
the focus of your social life. Instead focus on making substantiative
friendships first and the relationship thing will sort itself out without much
effort. That said, don't be too selective as far as gender goes. Don't avoid
hanging out with guys because you think you won't meet girls, and definitely
don't be that guy who only befriends girls just because you want to date them.
If you do befriend a girl who you'd rather be dating, be honest with yourself
and her as to what your intentions are. Remember that friendships aren't
leverage and you'll do fine.

Edit:

One last thing... I'm not sure that this will help any, but language is really
tricky. I'm an American living in New Zealand. I'm sure my language issues
pale in comparison, but I am constantly second-guessing myself. It's not that
I'm worried that people won't understand me, it's that I'd rather communicate
in a way that's natural to the people who are listening to me -- I'm sure you
can relate. What I'd say is that while there are a whole host of issues due to
you being a non-native English speaker, there are a lot more issues that come
from you being in a different country. Personally I'd advise focusing on the
latter type of differences (they're more fun to me, anyway), and the language
differences will follow. In turn, discussing those kinds of things with people
is a great way to make friends.

~~~
alexshye
100% agree on How to Win Friends and Influence People. Classic book. The title
makes the book sound dubious, but it really isn't.

~~~
probably_wrong
I'll be the disagreeing voice. I read the book, and what I got from it was a
manipulating vibe, not as strong as the one I get from the PUA community, but
close.

I took this random quote right now:

> So, because I had apologized and sympathized with her point of view, she
> began apologizing and sympathizing with my point of view, I had the
> satisfaction of controlling my temper, the satisfaction of returning
> kindness for an insult. I got infinitely more real fun out of making her
> like me than I could ever have gotten out of telling her to go and take a
> jump in the Schuylkill River

That's not "I want to make a friend". That's "how do I get the most from
others for my own purposes".

For me, "How to influence friends and influence people" would be a better
title. I'll agree that it's great for business purposes, but for the "win
friends" part, not so much.

~~~
benjamincburns
We must read that quote in a very different tone.

To me he's highlighting a situation where he disagreed with someone in a way
that made him angry, but instead of jumping on his anger and telling her to
"take a hike" he chose to control his temper and employ empathy. He
illustrates the benefit of this approach by saying that in the end both he and
the person with whom he disagreed came away happy.

One of the core tenants of the book is that you shouldn't fake it. That is,
when he tells you you should be interested in the benign and mundane things
people have to say, he means that you should find something about what they're
saying in which to take actual, genuine interest. He says time and time again
that even people you perceive to be stupid are smarter than to be manipulated
by false interest and empathy and that by employing such tactics you do a
disservice to yourself and the people with whom you're interacting.

I agree that in some places the tone is a bit Machiavellian, but it's only to
illustrate that even to one who would employ such tactics, being genuine is a
far better approach than being fake.

------
adamga
Being introvert doesn't mean you can't talk to people but that you get back
your energy when alone. So your issue is being afraid because you're self-
centered or, in other words, too conscious of yourself instead of others (ie
most people usually don't care about the way you talk, etc). I do the same and
have a hard time keeping my friendships.

Stop looking at yourself and go out. Try voluntary work and take your time
taking care of others. Or just buy a dog.. just by taking care of the dog,
you'll meet people (park, etc). One of the best way I found to start talking
is asking advice. Everyone likes to give advice.

------
martianspy
If you go to meetup.com there are groups that you could join with other people
in your situation. There are groups there for people that would like to
practice speaking English for example. This would allow you to talk to other
people without worrying that your English skills may not be perfect.

Another way to meet people is at art gallery openings. They usually serve wine
and cheese and people are free to come in and walk around. I recommend small
local galleries that show local artists. There is nothing much to do other
than look at art and talk to other people that are there and artists types are
usually open-minded and friendly.

------
mrcwinn
Hi there, I wrote this a while back. It may help.
[http://mrcwinn.svbtle.com/being-shy](http://mrcwinn.svbtle.com/being-shy)

The short version would be: know your strengths as well as your weaknesses
(seems like you do). Give yourself time and find things that work for you.
I've never been a talk-to-random-strangers-at-the-bar type of person. It's
just not who I am. One idea is to find people with similar interests AND
geography online, and then force those online relationships into the offline
world.

Plenty of people like you, whether or not you realize it. Don't sweat it.

------
johanneskanybal
You will have to do things that scare you and goes against your destructive
instincts. This is life, this is growing. It's an excuse that it commes easier
for some, a truer and more productive observation is that it's mainly practice
and you've neglected practicing. Don't victimize yourself or find excuses
(what girl would date someone without a car..). Some others suggested arenas
for you to get started so wont repeat that. Some good reads: The Diceman
(habit breaking), you can also google rejection therapy (removing fear of
"losing"). Good luck, stay brave.

------
keeptrying2040
Hobbies are a great way to meet other people. A friend of mine that was new to
town joined a running club and met new people that way. Another option is
attending meetups. As an engineer in the Bay Area, I am sure you would find
like minded people. As far as your English, yes, I can see how that can be a
hindrance. The best way to improve your skills is by my making a commitment to
immersing yourself in the language and take classes to reduce your accent.
Find people (meetups again) that would be willing to help you with your
English as long as you help them with Chinese.

------
hazzajay
This is my first time on HN. Don't know what the chances are, but what a
coincidence. I'm building a startup that solves this exact problem. I have
been struggling with social anxiety & introversion for years, so I'm sick of
it.

As the OP has mentioned, "it saddens me that I find myself idling on weekends,
doing everything by myself. Its really painful on times when I have a lack of
self-confidence." Don't worry OP, you're not alone :)

Not going to post links or names of the startup because this is my first time
posting. If anybody is interested, feel free to ask me.

------
hyunwoona
I had to use Google Docs because my text exceeded 2000 characters. I
apologize.

~~~
xmodem
Apologising for everything you do doesn't look good. Stop it. Don't apologise
unless you've genuinely fucked up.

~~~
song
That's actually a very cultural thing. But yes, I agree, in the US,
apologising too much comes off as weak and so it should not be done often.

This is why while it's acceptable and necessary in some cultures to apologize
in advance, or to apologize for small things, in the US, it's better to only
apologize when it's really for something big.

~~~
xmodem
I'd go as far as to say it applies to most english speaking countries

------
trentellingsen
A great place to meet people who would legitimately want to meet new people
and care about them is a church. Even if you are not Christian you are always
welcome to come. I currently go to a korean church in my town and it has been
a great experience where I felt welcome and they had lunch there afterwards
which made it easy to talk and get to know people too!

Here is a church in Milipitas which may be close to you. I will pray for you
too and ask that God brings people into your life!

[http://newvisionchurch.org/cms/](http://newvisionchurch.org/cms/)

------
bussiere
So my advice will be be proud of yourself , the basic is not having charisma
but make people thinking you have it.

Learn things , works with people and interact with them.

Find things that you like and work for free for peoples or associations.

Also learn things , live fully, make experiences (as urbex you can do it by
solo). Living extraordinary things will help you to get in touch with people,
or people who share the same experience.

Find hobby and share also.

It will not be easy , but you will learn from your mistakes.

I wish you good like and if you come to paris drop me an email bussiere AT
gmail.com :)

I can make you visit some extra ordinary places or event :)

~~~
bussiere
good luck dam

------
barrystaes
Some people socialize just for the sake of it, but some dont. (me neither)

You need a mission. Go find something fun to do in which you work with other
people. Not entirely conincidentally, work is such a place, except that you
likely did not choose your colleagues.

I enlisted as volunteer to restore a monumental big old steam engine. Together
with some old and young folks, we have fun working towards a common goal. This
common goal is what makes me socialize, with rather random _different_ people
that share an interest i have.

We are not the same, so we can help eachother.

------
cyanfrog
I'd say you being an introvert is not the case. It seems you have social
axiety, and it's possibe to cure it by yourself. There are some guides in
internet how to do it, but to put it simple(and this worked for me like a
charm) - you have to get out of your comfort zone. push yourself to do things
you would never normally do in public. it's not easy to do this, but after
about a month you can just feel this CLICK. its really life changing. you just
have to keep doing it, no matter how awkward it gets.

~~~
cyanfrog
and dont think about things, like having no car or not speaking perfectly
english. there are people who dont judge others by this stuff. and if they do,
you dont wanna meet them :D

------
jaekwon
I wanted to add, among all the advice here, that you should consider improving
your body. Work on getting as fit as you can reasonably become to attain your
ideal self. That's something you can work on alone, it'll give you a great
conversational piece when talking to someone (e.g. about diet and self
hacking), it'll improve your energy and mental clarity so that you can carry
an interesting conversation, you'll have more self confidence, and people will
be in general more attracted to you.

------
jagga

                     ___                  ____                  ___
                ____(   \              .-'    `-.              /   )____
               (____     \_____       /  (O  O)  \       _____/     ____)
              (____            `-----(      )     )-----'            ____)
               (____     __________   \  -____-  /   __________     ____)
                 (______/          \   `-.____.-'   /          \_____)
                                    \    **HUG**   /

------
arbitrary
I have felt the same in last 2-3 years working in UK. I am a female software
engineer working in London and although I am happily married, I have no
friends or social circle. It is difficult to hold a conversation (past the
first few niceties) with someone who does not belong to your culture/share
your background. To add to my woes, I am the only female in my department and
am not comfortable to sit with all male colleagues during lunchtime and strike
conversation. And I don't drink!

~~~
laichzeit0
No offence but you sound pretty boring.

------
yoanizer
Hello!

First, it's normal that people don't want to be with someone that is lonely
and desperate. Being lonely and desperate is very unattractive, thus leading
to more loneliness. It's a vicious cycle. If you want to break out of it, here
is my advice: Work on yourself. Develop your skills, take up new hobbies, new
challenges in life, travel, learn to take care of yourself,.. etc. Become
someone you respect. Then you won't have to do anything special, people will
feel attracted to you.

------
aniket_ray
I think you've already started on the right track. You've stated that you
regularly perform activities that you enjoy. Most people find this step hard.

Now that you know what you enjoy: a) Join meetups that do those things. b)
Organize meetups for things which already don't have them. c) Once you know
which meetups to attend. Ask your co-workers, drop mails to mailing lists,
meetup.com etc. Become an evangelist for these meetups.

Disclaimer: I am by no stretch of the imagination an expert on being social.

------
peaton
Online language exchanges can be a great way to meet people and work on a
language you are not comfortable with. I use mylanguageexchange and I've met a
number of Chinese grad students studying in the U.S. who are very shy because
of their accent. But I work with them to improve their English accent and
grammar and it also helps them build self confidence too! I think it's a
really great answer to this kind of issue. But you're welcome to check it out
for yourself!

------
viraptor
Find some hobby that involves getting together with people. I'm not even
saying it has to force friendships, just something that starts in a group.
Anything from martial arts to book club will do. Tech meetups may be
interesting - if you give a talk, there's always going to be someone to chat
with afterwards.

Basically don't force it. If you're in places where you're surrounded by
people, you're going to meet some of them better, whether you want it or not
:)

------
skriticos2
It is easier if you try to make friends who have common passions. You could
start a community project for your particular branch of engineering and look
for people to join, e.g. on Reddit. Or you could join an existing project.
Working on something together is a good way to bond to people.

If you don't have an immediately good idea that other people would be
interested in, you might want to look at charity. Lot's of nice people and
they usually need a wide range of skills.

------
quixotic101
very ironic, I am located in China. The Great Firewall obstructs all traffic
to google properties. Hence, this message is basically inaccessible (even my
VPN does not help).

~~~
sabalaba
Full Text:

(I had to use Google Docs because my text exceeded 2000 characters. I
apologize.)

I know the question sounds really awkward, but it's just exactly what I think.

I am a software engineer intern at a mid-sized company in redwood city, and my
internship ends on August.

I love my work, and I consider myself a reasonably intelligent, tidy, and nice
guy.

However, it saddens me when I find myself idling alone on weekends, doing
everything by myself.

Since I started my internship on February, on weekends, I have always had
meals, watched movies, gone shopping, taken a walk, and done every activity by
myself. I do not even have roommates.

This is fine most of the time, but it's really painful on times when I have a
lack of self-confidence. I think it may even become dangerous later.

Whenever I see groups of people in the street hanging out with each other, a
sense of envy grows in my mind. I wonder where they met each other, and how
come they became so intimate to each other.

As a man at age 26, I want to meet some nice ladies too.

My major problems, as I think, are:

1\. After 3.5 years of college life in which I had absolutely no social life,
my introversion seriously exacerbated. I have an especially hard time getting
close to strangers.

2\. I thought my English was decent, but I found out that is only true when
compared to other asian students' in colleges FOB, and these days I am more
and more realizing that my English is not good enough to become close friends
with English speaking people. Every day I meet people in my work, and I manage
to express what I want to say, but often it's in a very awkward way, and even
worse, when I am among many people talking, I can never take part in their
conversation. (believe me, I literally suck without enough time and a
dictionary)

3\. I do not have a car, and for many people in the bay area it's okay, but
for me it's a great hindrance to being social. Think about it, what girl would
consider seeing an awkward guy even without a car!

What can I do? I imagined myself striking up a conversation with people
sitting near at a cafe, standing at a queue, etc., but since I know I will not
be able to talk like a normal American guy (not even close, when it comes to a
small chat), I recoil.

I started fearing coming of weekends. To me it's just two and a half utterly
lonely days that could have been spent in a more constructive way but
repeatedly ends up being wasted and growing the self-hatred towards me.

------
alexw1
A small suggestion that worked really well for me: if you're interested in
role playing games find some local groups (craigslist, your local comic
book/game store, or there's other resources online) and join up. Pen and paper
role playing can be a great way to make friends and develop better social
skills. In my experience, these groups are almost always inclusive and
friendly but it's the first step that's the most difficult.

------
nemof
it sounds like, and as others have suggested, you need to practice your
conversational english.

have you thought about joining a local hackspace to meet up and socialise
(google hackspace redwood city)? That or volunteer on local community
projects. Both provide great opportunities for talking and practicing to
battle your shyness.

From somebody who is themselves incredibly shy and adverse to social
situations, sometimes the best way to get past that is expose yourself to
stuff which puts you out of your comfort zone.

In regards to meeting women, I wouldn't worry too much about that. It will
happen by putting yourself in social situations as a result of spending time
with others and meeting new people. and remember, for every awkward guy out
there without a car there's an awkward girl out there who wont mind.

So, to summarise. Get some hobbies that allow you to be sociable, volunteer
with charities, join hackerspaces, go to talks and sociable events. Tell
people whom you meet that you want to practice your English, they'll be more
accommodating then you'd first imagine. Don't sweat it on meeting someone
either, that will happen.

One last thing, from your post, it seems you sometimes feel depressed? If so,
then go and speak to someone about it. Feeling isolated and alone can make us
feel pretty ill. We shouldn't have to be like that.

Lots of people go through this, whether the barrier is language, extreme
shyness or something else, but it's important to know it's possible for things
to be different. Just don't get too anxious, and look after yourself and stay
conscious of your wellbeing.

------
allochthon
As a white American guy who has had similar experiences, I suspect your
challenges are mostly independent of your being Asian. Your difficulties with
English may play a part, although not knowing you it's hard to say how much
this would be a factor.

In my experience, American society, and especially California, doesn't know
what to do with introverts without much of a social network. It leaves them to
the wayside to fend for themselves.

------
TomGullen
Find some meetup groups/hobby groups in your area, and go a little outside
your comfort zone (don't go for a tech group!) but something you are actually
interested in (art perhaps?)

Secondly, if finances allow, moving into a house share is a good idea. The
more people the better I think!

Don't despair, loneliness when everyone around you appears fulfilled is a
pretty horrible feeling, but the reality is actually far different to how you
perceive it.

~~~
Kurtz79
I would give the opposite advice: go for a tech group!

Since the goal is meeting people, and the challenge making friends, it will be
much easier if you do it IN your comfort zone.

Seriously, I think most of the people on HN is likely to be more "actually
interested" in tech, rather than art...

But overall I agree, go for a meetup where the goal is not just "meeting
people", but has a definite goal or activity that you would enjoy already
doing alone.

------
scubamanspiff_2
Come hang out with me and mine!

Can't guarantee you'll like us, or we'll like you, but it's always at least
interesting to meet someone new. scubamanspiff42 at gmail

I went through the same journey from introversion a couple years ago. It's
tough, but as a lot of smart people here have said, the cure is to push
yourself to the edge of your comfort zone and try new things with new people.
It'll take a while, but you'll make it.

------
sentinel
here's a couple of things i would do, if i were in your shoes:

\- join a local group of some sort: my best recommendation would be a theater
class, my preference, improvisational theater; given, this could be scary for
an introvert (but actually is loads of fun and you really get to bond with
people in a unique way); helps you with meeting people, English, self-
confidence

\- join a local facebook group of some sort: e..g expats in redwood city, or
become a volunteer if you have your weekends to spare

\- if you are a programmer, start your own projects and learn new stuff; take
that alone time and turn it into something constructive, maybe something you
can even show later to people and have as a point of conversation; choose a
fun subject that other people can use immediately; be patient and stick with
it, this can take some time (there was an idea sunday thread on HN, maybe you
should check that?)

\- befriend people at work to begin with, join them for lunch, or ask if they
want to join you for lunch; how to befriend people? Ask about their favourite
music, movies, books, their lives, stories. Be interested. Remember. One day,
ask if they want to grab a beer after work

------
johnwhitech
As an adult it seems harder, but try to change your environment. You _will_
adapt if you suddently live with roommates, and meet a lot of people on a
everyday basis. The only hard part is not stopping after the initial failures;
the best solution for this is to have no choice : for instance, apply for an
internship in a big company for a year. Adaptation will come from effort and
environment.

Good luck:)

------
davemel37
I found a trick that really works for me. I go over to a stranger and say, "I
promised myself I would meet one new stranger today. I'm David, Whats your
name..."

It really works well.

[http://www.davidmelamed.com/2014/05/08/flawless-ice-
breaker-...](http://www.davidmelamed.com/2014/05/08/flawless-ice-breaker-
helps-strike-conversation-anyone-conference/)

------
lukasm
1\. Why haven't you been social in school? Too much pressure to get good
grades? Fear of being rejected?

2\. Why do you live alone? I'm 26 years old guy living in a foreign country
and I live with a flatmate. I'd hate living alone.

I had a friend in a similar situation as you (a young Japanese guy with basic
english living in Poland). My friends make him to go out. It took a while to
him to get comfortable.

~~~
hyunwoona
1\. School workloads were demanding 2\. I'd prefer living alone, provided that
I have people to spend time with when I feel like. Also, I was new to the
area, so I did not want to have a roommate until I find a good one.

~~~
rwhitman
I second having roommates. I'm terrible at meeting new friends but have pretty
substantial social networks stemming from random roommates off of Craigslist.
The best man at my wedding was a Craigslist roommate, who was very much a
social connector. Much of my social network when I moved to another city was
from his college friends, and another group here was another roommate from
Craigslist's friends.

Look for good roommates. The more social the better. I also was similarly
uncomfortable with roommates, commuted to college, lived alone, and one day in
my early 20's I made a choice to deliberately do things that make me
uncomfortable and it changed my life forever.

Step out of your comfort zone. Its the only thing that will change your
situation.

------
tessierashpool
hi OP, if you're reading: I'd advise that you take a class on the weekends
which gives you a chance to practice speaking English. maybe a more advanced
ESL (English as a second language) class, or a literature class if you're
feeling brave. something at a community college or maybe a meetup (there are
often meetups around languages and sometimes around literature too).

you seem to have two distinct issues going on, namely shyness and discomfort
with English. there are a lot of different ways to deal with shyness, but I
think every single one of them is going to be a lot easier to implement if you
get better at English first.

it's also good for your career, since Bay Area tech companies typically
communicate in English. and, you mentioned working really hard and having no
social life in college, so maybe you have workaholic tendencies. those could
be an obstacle to some forms of socializing, but taking a class in English
actually uses your workaholic tendencies to make you better equipped to
socialize.

------
frodopwns
I know how you feel. I would recommend taking advantage of meetup.com. You can
connect with people using the knowledge and skills you have acquired as an
engineer. The rest should grow from there. Most important is that you don't
give up on trying. The burden of loneliness can drive you to give in rather
than strive on. You have to win that battle.

------
gurtwo
Join a meetup.com group of movie lovers (or whatever you enjoy, but avoid too-
geeky groups). Slowly get to know people attending the meetups. Just be nice.
Don't be afraid to politely express your opinions. When you see someone that
seems alone or new to the group, be the first to approach them. You can meet
tons of interesting people this way.

~~~
benjamincburns
Personally I think the "geekier" the better. To paint with broad strokes,
geeks are passionate and indiscriminate. If you've got some subject matter
you're quite passionate about, chances are you don't need to lean on your
ample self-confidence to discuss it with other people who share the passion.

------
facepalm
Why not just go to meetups? Hackathons Language learning meetups Board Games

Is there an app for "never eat alone" \- meet people over lunch?

It's still not easy, I know... I tend to make at most one or two new friends
per year. And these days, most people end up watching TV or surfing the net
after work, so it requires real effort to motivate people to meet.

------
dnc
Very important skill is to learn to laugh. Honestly, without hypocrisy. It
shouldn't be difficult, assuming you approach to someone that you are
genuinely interested in. Just don't be scared for a start. If you learn that,
people will feel special with you, or at least relaxed, and they will
reciprocate in the most cases.

------
Mrtierne
Get a side job that allows you to interact with customers and co-workers
keeping in mind what types of people work at and patronize the place.

Work a few shifts/hours on the weekend/nights. Being social takes practice and
time to learn how to interact with different types of people. The more you're
exposed the better you'll do.

------
burnt1ce
Play a co-ed sport. Through sports, you'll:

\- improve your fitness and yourself confidence \- meet new girls \- have a
socially structured environment. The sport you're playing is a topic you can
talk about with your teammates.

There are few other reasons why you should play join a sport team in your
situation but they are not coming to my mind at the moment.

Good luck

------
Lambdanaut
Don't worry about your lack of language proficiency. Some of my best friends
have been foreigners with VERY poor English skill. Part of the fun of our
friendship is interacting with a foreign culture, and finding ways to express
ideas and concepts in new ways that might not necessarily be language
contingent.

------
bitbandit
Join your university ultimate frisbee team.

------
chipsy
Think of friends as part of a process of self-discovery. You probably don't
know everything about yourself and trying to "open doors" on parts of your
life that you haven't thought about much yet would eventually lead you towards
meeting people who can be friends at least for a while.

------
ytkx
I usually enjoy the stuff presented for free by real social dynamics. They
tell you alot about how to approach people and how to have conversations with
them.

[https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCD4xqm6vJ3K4ntppsE1jL4g](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCD4xqm6vJ3K4ntppsE1jL4g)

------
NARKOZ
You know what? I laugh at guys like you.

And the biggest reason I laugh? It's not me or somebody else doing all this.
It's YOU. You, realising your problems and not doing a thing about it, but
complaining anonymously on internet.

You cry about how lonely you are? Or talk about how you just don't have social
life and nice ladies, and all that emo bullshit? You're a miserable weak
coward, why would anybody want to be a friend with you?

Let it piss you off as much as you want, but you know it's completely true.

Many of us there are engineers and work hard most of the time doing things
that we love. But if you do want to get asked out to do other fun things at
weekends, then stop being that pathetic stereotypical nice guy. Create
opportunities, take people out, add value to those around you and soon they'll
start inviting you out just like you're inviting them out. But if you want to
continue crying in the corner, then cool, cry. Just don't post it to tech
related sites.

TLDR: You need to think about what you can contribute to others' lives, so
that they'll be more likely to invite you out. Having a car and being a nice
guy doesn't count.

------
dark12222000
Every day, do something with someone else. I'm a huge proponent of Meetup.com
- I moved across the country to Texas, where I had almost no friends. My wife
and I started just heading to meetups, making small talk, shaking hands, etc.
The biggest thing is just that you need to keep it constant.

------
f15h
술 모임이나 그런게 있으면 나가보는건 어떨까 싶네요. 사회성이 떨어지는 사람도 술을 먹으면 부끄러움을 이길 수 있으니까요.

저도 부끄러움을 많이 타는 사람인데 그런 모임 같은데 나가면서 모르는 사람하고 이야기하는게 익숙해졌습니다.

------
seanbehan
If you can share a common experience with a small group of people, it can be
very easy to make friends.

In this light, a language barrier can also be an asset. I'm sure there are a
lot of people in your area that are not fluent in English.

Reach out to a local university and volunteer to show new students around
town.

------
dlxfoo
Do you have a sport you enjoy playing? Maybe there's a club/team you can join
to get to know people outside work. That was always the first thing I did when
I moved to a new location.

If you have a common reason to be somewhere, it reduces a lot of the
awkwardness from meeting new people.

------
dl8
I was an introverted Asian in high school, how I learned to wane out of it is
alcohol. I'm not saying I'm dependent on alcohol, but it teaches you to not
care and just be more social, which you can try to slowly bleed into your
personality when you're sober.

------
aianus
I know it doesn't really address the underlying issues but if the lack of a
car is making you feel bad, why don't you buy a car? It might be stupid, but I
felt loads better about myself after getting a car. I found carpooling to be a
nice way to meet people too.

------
anondog
(Anonymous bc this is a _very_ honest comment.)

I'm a massive introvert who spends most of his time coding, playing video
games or Magic the Gathering, and my life has devolved 3 times into full-blown
WoW addiction -- the fool's gold life people take on when they feel their real
one sucks.

I have almost no friends, _hate_ making plans and, generally, would rather be
alone. "Hell is other people" is my motto.

And of course, this lack of relationships makes me very sad sometimes. The
short term desire to be alone leads to long term sadness.

But here's where our stories diverge: I'm a tall, likeable (when I want to
be), charismatic, good-looking, athletic white guy and can pick up women at
will.

And yet, even though I can turn on the charm at will and get what I want
(coincidentally, I'm a sales engineer), I'm still totally alone most of the
time. This makes me feel like an outsider, an outcast, a loner, etc and the
sadness can get uncomfortably dark.

So here's my point: As someone said earlier it's our _desire_ to be alone
that's the real problem, not what you look like or what your accent sounds
like.

Introversion is a constant sabotage of happiness. If you don't maintain and
work at friendships consistently over a long period of time, they will
deteriorate. And doing that is nearly impossible for a "hell is other people"
introvert.

The best solution, I've found, is to take the plunge and join a structured
organization or group that you can't easily get out of. Being in college,
specifically a fraternity, was the best time of my life. It forced me to be
social and interact with other people, even when I didn't really want to. I
think a healthy work environment with other people your age can help, too. It
did for me.

One other note: I felt the same "Why is everyone else out having fun and I'm
not?" feeling _very_ profoundly in my mid-to-late 20s. It was a consuming,
jealous, rage-inducing feeling. But now I'm 33 and I haven't felt that in
years now. I don't even know why. Did I stop thinking that was a desirable
thing? Or did I just give up?

TL;DR

1\. Don't blame your appearance or awkwardness. The real problem is your short
term desire to be alone. 2\. Join a social or work structure that forces you
to interact with others. 3\. The jealousy of others' social activity should
dissipate with age. Mine did.

p.s. Also, get off of Facebook. People are only posting pictures of their
happy times, so all you get is an artificial stream of happy happy happy. This
will inevitably make you feel worse. Facebook image crafters are probably just
as unhappy as everyone else. They're working awfully hard to prove otherwise,
aren't they?

~~~
crimsonalucard
You got any suggestions for the "structured organization" besides the
fraternity? I'm out of college now and I'm looking for a group.

~~~
anondog
This is the $64,000 question and I actually believe there might be a business
(or several) to be had in this space. As people increasingly forego marriage
and pursue solo lives and careers, they need more alternatives for support and
camaraderie. (And these people have disposable cash.)

Anyway, as it stands, I think the best option is to try to work at a place
with other young, career-oriented (as opposed to family-oriented) people. I've
tried young professionals associations and athletic teams, but they didn't
work. The young professional stuff seemed too forced -- like singles dating --
and you don't get enough "talk time" with sports teams: you're too busy
playing the game.

Truthfully, most of my friends in this city have come from playing Magic the
Gathering. There were a few semi-normal, hygiene-conscious guys in the crowd
and we get together on a semi-regular basis. We're not as close as my college
buddies and I can't get them to go out doing the fun stuff I used to do, but
it's good enough.

If you live in small town america, making friends might be difficult or
impossible. I actually went to a therapist when I was really depressed and
told him how much I hate this city. I told him I thought it was very cliquish
(exclusive to newcomers like myself), that every girl worth having is married
at 25 and that every guy friend I make gets stolen away by marriage.

I expected him to say "Suck it up. Go meet people." His response was actually
"Ok so maybe you need to move to a place with more independent, career-minded
folks like yourself." In other words, sometimes circumstances really are the
problem, not you.

I want to reiterate my original point: I'm as white and normal as it gets. I
can't blame any personality-related, aesthetic, racial or economic
disadvantage, and yet I'm still a sometimes-depressed-and-unhappy loner.

The only thing left to blame is my introversion.

One last point: I, like many millennials, was raised by my parents and the
media to believe I am the center of the universe. Accordingly, my empathy
quotient has historically been crappy. Then I had some life events a few years
ago that jarringly recalibrated my ego. As painful as these events were, I'm
not as full of myself nor as big an asshole as I used to be and I'm finding it
easier to relate to other people as well as make and keep friends.

Read articles and writings by David Wong (aka Jason Pargin). He's the patron
saint of self-righteous millennial deprogramming.

~~~
crimsonalucard
Good points. As I've gotten older I've gotten lonelier and I've been searching
for the sort of bonding and friendships I experienced as a college student. As
superficial as the friendships were, the friendships were in general less
superficial then all the friends I made outside of college. I'm not so sure
why the whole experience suddenly ends when people step out of college. I'm
positive it has nothing to do with a natural process of becoming more mature
or older.

I've thought about it a lot. In the end I think your therapist got it right.
It's all about circumstance. You have to live in a place that promotes daily
interaction with people. Dorms and fraternities promote that sort of thing not
just by being in the right location but the physical geometry of dorms and
frat houses encourages people to meet and hangout. The rooms in dorms and frat
houses are so small that people just end up using the larger shared lounges
for dinner, studying, and chilling in general. It forces and promotes daily
interaction with large groups that you'll never experience in any other
setting.

I think the reason why the sports thing or the young professional stuff didn't
work out was because it needs to be a daily thing. Connections will always
feel awkward especially for introverts because it's just not happening often
enough.

Anyway back to my point of the living space. Outside of colleges I've seen
this type of living space in just two places. The first place is called
Cooperatives. People in coops live in the same building, do shared chores and
have communal dinner. Like frat houses these places tend to be pretty ghetto
but it's never lonely. The other place is a retirement home. If you've never
been to one, retirement homes actually have shared spaces and dining halls
where you can literally observe older people having the same kind of social
interaction and politics you experienced in college living spaces. The irony
of it all is the same social experience young people get living in dorms near
the beginning of their lives, they'll get to experience the same thing when
they near the end.

So I guess the solution is to either live in a coop, wait until your old
enough to be placed in a retirement home, or get married. Unless anyone has
any other suggestions?

~~~
anondog
Brilliant point about the retirement homes. I'd never thought of them that
way.

------
digitalzombie
A lil background.

I worked my ass off, for a cs degree thinking once the money will rake in,
I'll get a girlfriend, friends and all the life style I wanted.

Once I got a job, I found myself going right after work studying coursera
class ML, to find a better paying job to support my parent. Eventually I ended
up depress...

I started to workout again and eventually reconnect with my college friends.
Unfortunately it was really hard but got some decent friends out of it.

I was lucky because I was working near my university so my old friends are
still around. I was horrible at keeping in touch.

Anyway here's the deal, I didn't really acquire the skill to make friend with
strangers during this time. I moved to a new city and realized I don't have
the luxury of being nearby old friends like my old job living nearby my
university. I had no existing connection I can call up and work the existing
connection for new friends.

I did eventually learn how to make friends and it was through PUA, pick up
artist. Yeah it's fucking weird.

But let me try to explain what happened. Once I got some friends going, a few
nothing major, this is back at my university I got lonely and wanted a
girlfriend. Most of my friends are usually busy except for one, I found out he
was doing this pick up artist thing. The whole thing is weird there are some
good and bad to it, I like to think I chosen the good thing out of this whole
underground society.

But I eventually learned how to approach random strangers and make a comment
or two. The seduction/pua community call this process opening. I spent two
years on and off opening girls on the street of hollywood.

Eventually I moved to a new city and...

It was great, being able to approach women but the problem eventually I
realized was I couldn't hold a conversation. I got rid of my "approach
anxiety" and can go up to stranger and just open but I can't hold a
conversation worth at damn.

The problem was I was doing this at night time and practicing night time, at
least to me, didn't enable me to practice the other seduction techniques of
conversation. I spent roughly 3 months so far this year during the day holding
a conversation.

I got three new friends out of it and can hold decent conversation with
strangers now (male and female).

How the hell do you make friends using PUA? By holding a conversation.

I talked to this girl at starbuck, got her number, and eventually she invited
me to do activity with her. She have become a close friend and I've done tons
of activities with her now and planning a few more. Within the seduction/pua
community I've made friends.

Well anyway take it as you will.

edit:

I'm Asian short ESL btw. The PUA taught lots of things including destroying
any insecurities I had.

edit2:

I also had to learn how to keep in touch too. It's fucking stupid but yeah.

Every friday I'll be on aim and message people with it's FRIIIIIIDAY and how's
your weekend looking?

I know it sounds stupid but omg, I was retarded on keeping in touch.

~~~
JohnBooty

      > I did eventually learn how to make friends and it 
      > was through PUA, pick up artist. Yeah it's 
      > fucking weird.
    

The PUA thing is interesting to me.

People criticize it because it can be manipulative. But the success of PUA
tells me that people seem to be really interested in some kind of step-by-step
"system" for dealing with people.

I think that's why the book "How To Win Friends and Influence People" is still
popular after many years. It gives you concrete steps to take.

Edit/clarification: I don't particularly think the PUA thing is positive - I
wish there was a positive, modern version of PUA that omitted the manipulative
aspects. Maybe there is and I don't know it. (There probably is...)

~~~
normloman
What do you mean "the success of PUA" ?

Do you mean success in attracting women? We can't take pick up artists at face
value when they say how many women they've seduced. How do we know they don't
exaggerate? Even if they don't, how can we rule out that their success rates
are below average, and they succeed with brute force (asking out lots and lots
of women)?

Or, by success, are you referring to the popularity of pick up artistry?
Again, we don't have numbers. I suspect the number of pick up artists are very
low.

But lets assume it is popular, or at least desired. If I was to guess as to
why, it's because people want the easy way out. Actually giving a shit about
people, taking time to learn their unique differences, caring for them and
doing right by them, that takes so much work. It would be so much easier if
there were just 3 steps to making anyone your friend.

But there's not. You want something that doesn't exist. But that doesn't stop
scam artists from exploiting your hope that it does.

~~~
JohnBooty
Wow, guy. Lots of really negative assumptions there.

As I posted elsewhere on this thread, there is no substitute for genuinely
caring for others.

Personally, I'm known for being quite outgoing and friendly. Probably because
I genuinely care about people. I don't need these kinds of guides or an "easy
way out."

But _clearly,_ there are _many_ people in the world who _need_ help in this
area.

And for them, I wish there was something more positive than the PUA thing.

~~~
normloman
Didn't mean you specifically. Meant "you" in the general sense. Should have
said "We want something that doesn't exist." As in we all do. Sorry for
getting personal.

Anyhow the sort of person who needs pick up artist techniques to make friends
needs a lot more help than a book can provide.

~~~
JohnBooty
I think we both agree that genuine empathy and sympathy for others (and,
crucially, _expressing those things_ ) are at the core of a healthy human
relationship.

For some of us, that's very intuitive, so the idea of learning it from a book
can seem silly.

For others, maybe not? We can say that these people need "more help than a
book can provide" but... breaking things down into manageable steps for people
is also a pretty big part of professional therapy as well.

I was a nice but very socially awkward kid (way weirder than the average kid)
and I eventually learned how to sociable as I went through my teenage years
and early 20s. [1] So I always think other people can learn too. At least to
some extent. \------

[1] Luckily the PUA thing didn't even exist back then, so I didn't go that
route!)

------
gima
Here's my opinionated two cents.

I'm 27 and an introvert and I think that the biggest change that I've
experienced these past few years has been to loosen up my thinking regarding
what others think of me. This has helped me to be more relaxed around other
people, and that leads to body language changes, which again leads to other
people subconsciously behaving more positively around and towards me. Later
I've come to understood that I was viewed as a cold and non-caring, whereas in
reality I was shit scared and stiff around other people. Also one thing that
I've come to recognize after reading some articles and doing self-studying is,
that my batteries drain around other people, and I need alone-time to recharge
them. Whereas for extroverts the drain-charge cycle works exactly the opposite
way.

I'm getting a bit off-track here. Let me comment on some of the writings in
the comments: I'm not sure if it's an "america"-thing, but I don't know many
people at all that want to talk about themselves. It's not like I would want
to talk about myself, I know myself already. Ofcourse that helps the other
person get to know me, but personally I think that the other person is
immensely more interesting in regards to whom to talk about. So beware of
going all-out on making the other person tell things about themselves, one
might come to feel uneasy quite fast.

What sn0wBuM said. You need to _actually_ care about other people to keep in
contact with them. I apparently don't, because only ever I contact other
people when I want to be with them for one reason or another or need something
from them. Hence most of the time I dont keep in contact, and that is just the
way I am. Contacting someone just to say "Hi, what's up! Long time no see!"
and having a half-assed conversation when neither of the party has anything
real to say is, in my opinion, one of the stupidest things to do. Though this
part of my behavior might be heavily affected by my nationality, Finnish,
because we are silent and (look) grumpy most of the time, nor de we have a
concept of "small talk". We mean business or we rarely talk.

And while books are good, academic knownledge of how to socialize doesn't do
the trick. Actually doing, does.

Meeting new people? Well. You're among people now, so get to know some odd
pervert on the net around the same shady corners you spend your time on and
you might actually find more deeper friend-relationships than trying to find
people offline, where the variety and amount of choices might not be as vast.
I found like-minded people at conventions and via board-games. If you don't
feel like you fit (for real, not under self-pity), then don't try to fit, and
find another kind of people.

Unless your language is unintelligible, then I don't believe for a second it
to be a problem. If you're nice person at heart, it usually shines through.
But if you are an obnoxious person, you're obnoxious no matter if you master
the language perfectly. As long as you get the point through :)

"Making friends is incredibly difficult for adults." Bull. Most adults try "to
be adult" (not jumping with one leg in the air at center of the street etc.
"dummy" things), which makes it more difficult to get to know them, because
they try to blend in and not be individuals (but they all want to). So if you
can overcome _your_ fear of trying to communicate with people, others rarely
stop you. (Though don't start a conversation plain-blank on the streets with a
stranger in Finland for the sake of befriending them, they might think you are
loose from a mental hospital.)

I dont talk much. I don't (can't) take part in conversations because 99% of
the time I have absolutely nothing to say. And besides, "it's better to remain
silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt". But when
I say something, I usually have something meaningful to say, even though if
this kind of behavior leads me to being mostly a purpose-oriented person in
the eyes of others. I'm me, and if everyone were alike, things would be pretty
boring.

It takes all sorts of men to make the society. And in my opinion it's better
to be one of those that thinks about these things than to be like the vast
majority of testosterone-driven competitive buffs.

~~~
ucacian
> I'm me, and if everyone were alike, things would be pretty boring.

Absolutely. Some entrepreneur said(I forgot who) something like "Do something
different. And you will become successful."

------
the906
Hackerspaces. Geek meetups. Get roommates, even if you can afford not to have
them, join a co-op. It takes work, it sucks, but its worth it. Join a sport
even if you hate them?....guy at my job has been inviting me to dragon-
boating. For women...no clue, I'm gay.

------
mer10z
You could try doing some couch surfing in your area or rent a room in a shared
apartment. Living together with other people is a great way to make lasting
relationships. There is the chance that you wont 'click', but then you can
just move to another place.

------
panbhatt
Nothing to worry bro. There are innumerous number of people goign througg the
same condition. I am also working in FLORIDA (which is very bad in terms of
public transport) and in the same ship in which you are in. let's be friends.
m there at panbhatt at gmail

~~~
dennisgorelik
Meeting girls in Florida is much easier than in the Bay Area.

------
rohitrajan
Idea: teach/be a teaching assistant for an extra curricular class in the
language you speak most fluently. You'll be able to help people speak your
language, and also share your culture with them. Might also help eliminate any
communication barriers.

------
zerni
Start by never apologizing in advance.

Proceed by talking to people about topics you are familiar with or have common
grounds. E.g. if you are a ruby guy go to ruby meetups. To make things even
easier you could try finding people speaking your mother tongue in these
areas.

------
Glyptodon
Pick up Magic: The Gathering. See stories here:
[https://www.wizards.com/Magic/Magazine/Article.aspx?x=mtg/da...](https://www.wizards.com/Magic/Magazine/Article.aspx?x=mtg/daily/mm/304).

------
josh_fyi
LessWrong meetups. You're in the Bay Area, where they have the strongest
community.

------
jimktrains2
re: car. Many people, especially ones that also don't have a car and see the
value in not having a car (or at least not utilizing it heavily) in an urban
area.

re: English. Just keep practicing. I know that it can be frustrating (on both
sides), but you won't get better if you let that stop you from getting better.
Do you read English well? That may be a first step in helping to remember
words. Also, English is stupid: don't feel bad if it doesn't make sense to
you; it doesn't really to us [native-speakers] either.

In general, things like MeetUp.com are helpful. Find activities that you're
interested in, and go for them!

------
0x0
Have you tried meetup.com? Maybe there's an event or group that catches your
eye.

~~~
hyunwoona
When I was actively seeking for an internship, I have attended a lot of
meetups. I was not able to make friends, though.

~~~
song
I was the same. Meetups are not as helpful as groups where you actually do an
activity together, be it theater, climbing, board games, ...

The problem with meetups is that you don't have the common activity to help
with really interacting between each other. It's often a presentation and then
some networking but networking events at meetups don't help introverts at all.

------
nicholassmith
I've made the majority of friends I've got from sitting in pubs and being
happy to talk to people, there's just a fine line between drunken best friends
for a night and life time buddies but it's doable.

------
philwebster
Hey! I just moved to Redwood City for an internship that goes through the end
of August too! Email me at webster.phil@gmail.com and let's get together. I am
more than happy to deal with less than perfect English.

------
juliend2
Hey!

I guess you were probably raised in a buddhist family so I don't know if you
can apply the same thing with your belief, but for me, being far from my home
town is not a big deal since I really feel at home when I go to church. People
at my church are like a family for me. And I find it like that almost
everywhere I meet christians. I get the same support, feeling of belonging,
etc. that I would get in a family.

Also, "How to make friends and influence people" is a good book I recommend
(started reading it recently).

And like someone else said, try talking to someone new every day. Maybe to
other asian people at first if it's easier for you. This guide helped me with
that: [http://www.wikihow.com/Talk-to-Strangers](http://www.wikihow.com/Talk-
to-Strangers)

God bless you. :)

------
skaplun
You are not asking how to meet people, you are asking how to meet the perfect
people for you who will be available only when you want them. you are turning
down all opportunities to actually meet people.

~~~
icebraining
_I need a brand new friend who doesn 't bother me_

 _I need a brand new friend who doesn 't trouble me_

 _I need someone, yeah, who doesn 't need me_

~~~
crimsonalucard
I don't think that's the crutch of his problem though...

~~~
Jtsummers

      the crutch of his problem
          ^^^^^^-- crux

------
vivalajoe
Read self help books on being an extrovert. Check out Socially Accepted on
Amazon it's a Self-Help book for the socially awkward.

Be sure what you know you apply. Don't expect a change by just reading it.

------
beagle90
Look up RSD Tyler on YouTube. On the surface it can seem deeply insincere and
shallow but I believe some of techniques taught they can be applied in all
areas of life when interacting with people.

------
araes
Having suffered this, I will comment based on what I've done that I feel
works.

\- Join social groups. I went on Meetup, local college sites, did Google
searches for things I was interested in by area, went to logical hangouts for
that stuff (gaming shops, hobby shops, maker hangouts, ect...) If you are
diligent, you will soon find yourself with more to do than you have time for.

\- Rarely say no. If you are hesitant or nervous about a social situation,
particularly one w/ new people, ignore that and participate. You will meet
people much more slowly if you only accept social situations where you're
comfortable.

\- Smile. Many people have what I would describe as a non-approachable resting
face (worried, mean, nervous, ect..). Folks who might talk decide not to
because they expect you will respond poorly. People also interpret smiling as
confidence. They will be more likely to smile back at you (oddly, this seems
to make me more happy myself) As a corollary to the above, also try to project
openness (open arms, calm/interested sitting posture, ect..).

\- Say "hello", "what's up", ect... to everybody and pay attention to the
answer. The most wonderful thing most people can talk about is themselves. Let
them, and then Ask Questions. Conversations are like ping-pong, they cannot
survive unless people serve and then return serves

\- Learn people's names and then use their name when you talk to them. The
most wonderful thing they can hear is their own name.

\- Work offhand compliments into your speech. True for female or male. Nice
hairstyle, excellent choice of clothes, ect.. Only things where they've made a
choice or developed a skill that then worked out well in your estimate (ie,
not natural features). Effectively complimenting their judgement while showing
you're interested in them

\- Look people in the eye. It is extremely difficult to establish a connection
or communicate interest without looking people in the eye. People who don't
are viewed as shifty or evasive. You're not staring, but when you say
something, look the person you're saying it to in the eyes.

\- Get in shape. Aerobic exercise gets you out, looking healthy, and is
another form of social contact. It also keeps weight low, which affects
features like facial fat and general desirability. For Anaerobic exercise,
women are biologically programmed to find certain physical features
interesting, develop them. Good self image also helps build self confidence

\- Find good rolemodels. If you want to be charismatic, find people who are
charismatic. Its much easier to develop effective habits with good examples

\- Grind charisma and confidence. All things require practice. You should try
to talk to people at every opportunity. Also pay attention to effective things
people do. (Perhaps a co-worker who grabs everyone's attention at a meeting or
a friend who effortlessly strikes up a conversation with a stranger) Note and
then practice those techniques.

~~~
CCs
Re: Get in shape - there's Planet Granite nearby, it worth checking out,
signing up for some classes.

[http://www.planetgranite.com/locations/belmont/bl_hoursanddi...](http://www.planetgranite.com/locations/belmont/bl_hoursanddirections.php)

------
xxs
To answer the title directly: buy a new shirt, wear clean jeans and get out.
It's that simple.

Alternatives includes getting a dog and walking her out, meeting new people in
the process (who do the same).

------
gadders
I realise this is a bit trite, but start by being a friend, not looking to
find a friend. Act as if you already were a friend with people - help them
out, show an interest in them, etc etc.

------
tranhelen
I was also incredibly shy (and still am a bit when meeting new people) and had
to work hard at overcoming this in order to make friends. To be honest, I'm
not even sure if I'm doing better but I do know that my circle of friends is
much, much, bigger now.

It helps a lot to find a niche, or a group of people with similar interests. I
find it very hard to relate to people who I do not share interests with and
thus it makes it incredibly difficult to continue onwards with a friendship. I
managed to meet a lot of my friends in the industry (design/development/tech
world) but there are a handful that I've picked up along the way through
hobbies I've kept.

Here's what helped me:

\- I went out to places I wouldn't normally go to and learned how to keep
conversation with a stranger by myself. This is important. I cannot stress how
important this is. It not only taught me how to have 'small talk' but it also
taught me how to get over the initial hump of starting a conversation. I am
not overly aggressive about this, so you don't have to feel like this is an
overwhelming task. I practice on cab drivers as well, as the quieter
environment makes it easier for me to pay attention to what they're saying.

\- I learned how to talk about the other person more than I talked about
myself. When they ask about me, I typically lightly defer the conversation and
try to bring it back around to them. This generally keeps the conversation
going, and helps them feel good about themselves as well.

\- I proactively found meet-ups with people who I shared interests with. (At
the time, I was heavy into photography and I maintained those friendships from
that time.)

\- I put a lot of effort into getting to know my current friends better or
maintaining the friendships that I do have. This is also important. I put my
friends above all else.

\- I tried new things, and are still trying new things. Typically if there's
an activity I haven't tried, but always thought I wanted to, I just went out
to do it! I have an eclectic circle of friends because of this.

\- Try to relax in social situations. If they don't like you immediately,
there are tons of people in the world that will warm up to you quicker. Don't
think of every person as the 'end goal.'

\- Don't worry about the girl(s). I know it's lonely, but seriously–don't!
Work on yourself, and you'll be surprised how many opportunities arise from
that.

That's all I got, I'm working on it. Everything takes time, including this.

------
natural219
Hey, guy. I feel you -- I've totally been there. Feel free to hit me up, I'd
love to grave coffee with you and show you around the city. Email's in
profile.

------
timwaagh
enter the so-called 'pua community'. its a shitload of work (ie doing awkward
things like approaching strange girls in awkward places like the street) to
get better, BUT its really good for your social skills. and you'll def meet
some nice ladies OF COURSE. just take it from this introverted carless
autistic no-longer-a-virgin programmer. if you ever come to the netherlands
i'll welcome you to 'game' with me and my gang some time.

------
xweili
oh dude, solution is easy. Join a start up! I've been to many startups. People
work hard day and nights and weekends and they spend all their time together,
eating, joking, fighting, complaining, stressing out. it builds really
friends! no one cares about your english because after a while there is an
unspoken understanding between the close 'brothers'. Join a start up today!

------
blooberr
Here's how. You seem like a decent person. Feel free to reach out to me.

Email me (email in my profile) We can first start with coffee and goto a few
events.

------
egonschiele
I'm from the bay area too. Got some advice that I don't want to share in a
public forum, shoot me an email if you're interested!

------
hariis
I did it simply this way - help others - so many in the community need help,
pick your interest areas, and contribute your time and effort.

------
mightybyte
Two words: partner dancing

For me it was Argentine Tango. For others maybe salsa, swing, ballroom, etc. I
seriously cannot overstate how great dancing is.

------
blrgeek
Being a friend is easier than making a friend. And if you be a friend to
someone good, then you will make them a friend over time.

------
falconfunction
It's like worrying about how to sit people at a fancy dinner party

The ones who matter don't care and the ones who care don't matter

------
mivim
Just wanted to say I feel you man, and all the nerd love and support from HN
in this thread really punches me right in the feels.

/singletear

------
adamzerner
Check out [http://www.succeedsocially.com/](http://www.succeedsocially.com/).

------
homakov
What about other asians who speak same language? it's more fun to hang out
with your nationals, mentality etc.

------
rob22
Lots of psychologist out there. could you tell me about introvert & how do we
overcome the introvert.

------
howon92
Do not try to be someone you are not. Keep being yourself and have an open
mind when other people try to engage with you. I had to move around a lot of
times as a foreign student in the U.S. and always wondered what would be the
best way to become friends with new people. I think it's more important to
respond well than going around places looking for people you can talk to.

------
WalterBright
The classic advice is the book "How To Win Friends and Influence People" by
Dale Carnegie.

------
upgray-d
Do what every other socially awkward introvert does on the weekends... play
World of Warcraft.

------
RoryH
[http://www.meetup.com/](http://www.meetup.com/)

------
tn13
This is a hard problem to solve and has no silver bullet. But please dont give
up.

------
level09
why don't you try online meetups ? join teams on meetup.com or couchsurfing.
find activities like tea gathering or sports.

Also, what about friends of friends and colleagues at work, you can start
there as well.

------
atmosx
Hello,

I’m not sure I fit into the conversation because although I have lived the
last 2 years in exile in order to finish my university (in 3.5 years I might a
Pharmacy degree at hand). Let’s say that I was on a mission and it payed back.

I’m not an introvert. In my town there are more people than I could count that
would wanna hang out with me. I have a girlfriend, a sports-car, etc.

The things I do when I wanna get “connected” in a totally foreign area are the
following:

1\. Go to the gym, take some special courses (could dancing classes, or kick-
boxing. I’d go for the dancing classes any day of the week). The gym is an
excellent way to get fit and meet new people. Go to a popular place, not the
one that is closest to your area but always empty. Get there the after-work
hours that the gym is full (in Europe that’s 18:00 to 21:00 PM).

2\. Get haircuts as much as possible. Like once every three weeks. It’s not so
much about the hair, although aesthetics are extremely important too, it’s
about becoming friends with the most notable chit-chat in your area. Pick a
place which is full of females. Don’t go to a ‘mens place’. These hair-
dressers (or whatever they wanna call themselves), like to chit-chat more than
anything. Try to open a conversation. If you find the right place, they will
open the conversation not you (so it’s easier for introverts).

3\. Except from the gym, try outdoor activities. What you’re good at? Hacking?
Try to find a local hacker-space. You’re into chess, try to find a chess club.
You’re into ballroom dancing, go for it. If you’re not into anything, then try
to find something that you’d like to do, and go for it. The easiest way to
meet people outside of school/job/university is doing activities together. If
you can afford it, learning an instrument is also another extremely good way
to get connected :-)

4\. Try to be active on social media. Connect with the people you are in the
gym (not stalk, just connect). Will help you extremely to have their
facebook/twitter account and follow/comment/share.

5\. Organize: Once you go out with a friend or two. Try to organize something
your self and invite them to join you. Be pro-active (“Do you wanna go to the
movies next week guys? There’s this great film!”).

A couple of notes about conversations with people you don’t know:

    
    
        * Never answer with ‘yes’ or ‘no’. If you do, always come back in a question. 
        * Try to look the eyes of the person you’re talking too. Makes you look strong and straight character. It also gives you the advantage to read ‘extra signals’.
        * At the beginning try not to express a negative opinion about anything (politics, specific tv shows/characters). Try to get the other party to express a definitive opinion. If you don’t agree, let them know but very smoothly and never in absolute ways.
        * Try not to move your heads when talking. Avoid grimaces. Let the other’s do them.
        * In all this, try to be yourself. Never say or do anything you can’t back-up.
        * Try to be funny, but not too much.
        * Try not to get early prejudices. Takes time to get to know each other. Things might be different from what the other guy/girl is letting you know.
        * Remember to always... SMILE :D
    
    

As a last note. Improve your style

The ancient Greeks had a saying that is extremely deep, IMHO. It’s not
absolute but goes a long way: “mens sana in corpore sano”. A healthy mind
lives in healthy body. But the meaning is not healthy as in 100%-gym fit.

Being fit, stylish and well behaved will give you a head-start as a choice of
friend/partner. By stylish I don’t mean expensive clothing, I mean ‘stylish’.
Don’t wear very old shirt if you can get a new (cheap/expensive depends on
your financial status) shirt. Treat yourself better and you’ll be treated
better. Try never to smell bad. If you smoke for example, try always to clean
up your clothes and hair. Make sure you never stink of sweat or anything else.
If you can’t get a car, get a second hand vespa for example and paint it, to
make it look 'like a new one'. Being stylish (as the Italians know) is not
about money it's about ideas.

If you don’t know anything about fashion, gyms, style in general… Well the
internet is here to help you. Remember that with a ‘classic’ look you’re
always acceptable, don’t take any risks. By being fit I don’t mean an having
musces, I mean not being overweight. Being clean (haircut, nails, clean teeth,
clean clothes, use a fragrance daily, etc.) is the most important of all
things. People would stand next to you if you’re cleaned up, and won’t even if
you are their relative if you are not.

Hope you find what you’re looking for quickly :-)

good luck!

ps. Topics like this one mixed with extremely technical make me think that
this is the best community, I’ve been part of.

~~~
cabalamat
> The ancient Greeks had a saying that is extremely deep, IMHO. It’s not
> absolute but goes a long way: “mens sana in corpore sano”.

Are you sure they weren't Romans? Or maybe Greeks who spoke Latin.

~~~
atmosx
Yeah I'm sure. I'm reciting the latin version because it's easier to read in
English. The original version is: _νοῦς ὑγιής ἐν σώματι ὑγιεῖ_.

~~~
cabalamat
> I'm reciting the latin version because it's easier to read in English.

I suspect an English translation would be _even easier_ for English speakers
to read.

> The original version is: νοῦς ὑγιής ἐν σώματι ὑγιεῖ.

That's Greek to me!

~~~
atmosx
Okay, I'll take the bate :-P \--

> I suspect an English translation would be even easier for English speakers
> to read.

Yeah but it would take-away the prestige, that comes with the proverb.
Reciting English is one thing, reciting Latin is another ;-)

> That's Greek to me!

Exactly!!!

------
lucidrains
If you are in San Francisco, come meet me, I'll be your friend ;)

------
ZucchiniZe
Hey, I live in Redwood Shores, what company are you interning for?

------
corkill
Realize that everyone else is just trying to make friends as well.

~~~
crimsonalucard
This explains why this type of thread which is otherwise unrelated to
technology is so popular.

------
known
Join WalMart or any other store as a sales man for 6 months

------
DeepakShah
I am in Redwood City too - so lets meet for lunch :)

------
ssebastianj
Hangout with extrovert people. It worked for me!!

------
usumoio
Find a hobby. I play Magic the Gathering.

------
asimpletune
I'll hang out with you!

------
downstream1960
I can relate to this. A lot

------
pier-person
For a totally different perspective, here's my take – from a guy who's never
really been shy or introverted. However, once I started studying physics
(never been much of a nerd myself), I met a lot of socially awkward people.
Since I was new to this kind of culture, I tried to find out as much about why
a lot of these people have so many problems connecting to others, even though
they are generally quite smart.

Before I go on to list the tips, here's something I learned from having been
in a psychotherapie myself (different reasons, though): Be _absolutely_ clear
that the investments your have to do (overcoming your angst) are huge, and wil
only slowly diminish. You _will_ need to force yourself to action.

Now here's some things I gathered:

* Being good at social interactions is a skill that needs to be trained. Remember how long it took to become a hacker? And how bad you were at first at it? Same thing with talking to strangers. However, while hacking awful code can still be a rewarding experience, having an awkward conversation is probably not. Try and work on that first: Every time you've managed to start a conversation, regardless where, with whom or how it went, reward yourself (think about how fucking hard it was to do it, and you dit it! Also, probably none of the bad things you imagined happened). As important: Do it consistently (yes, standard time management techniques help).

* Maximize your exposure to other people. Join a choir (even if you can't sing – this is a great place to learn it), learn sports (martial arts seem to be popular with nerds), or join some other club. There are other great tips here. It's OK if it takes time to make friends – use the regular sessions to practice casual conversation.

* Experiment with drinking a little (like beer or wine), when you go out. I know, this really sounds like bad advice, but it helps for quite a lot of people I know. Avoid being drunk, however! Generally, avoid drinking if you want to talk to girls, especially if you are not used it. Sober you might be shy (not a bad thing per se, can be really sweet), drunk you risk to appear creepy.

* I _heavily_ suggest _not_ trying to change your looks, or you body language, or anything superficial, based on what you think makes you appear more confident. It won't change anything relevant. Moreover, I havent't met a single socially awkward person who was able to pull this off (trying to appear confident). Try to feel natural, even if you can't always feel comfortable.

* Practice your English skills in conversation. There's no other way to become fluent (I'm not a native English speaker myself, and my English is OK at best, but it's enough). Try to remember phrases of other people you liked. Generally, people don't care if your English isn't perfect, but I know from experience (in more than one language): The better you know the language, the safer you feel in a conversation.

* Best tip I read here on HN: Care about other people.

 _But:_ If you feel that this is all too much at your stage, and if you keep
re-iterating destructive thoughts, I recommend seeking therapy. _Rational
emotive behavior therapy_ has been shown to help[2]. Group therapy might be an
alternative to regular psycotherapy sessions.

BTW: Congratulations! Starting a thread on HN was a great idea. You'll need
determination and willpower, but you're off to a good start.

[1]
[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rational_emotive_behavior_thera...](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rational_emotive_behavior_therapy)
[2]
[http://www.jiaap.org/Listing_Detail/Logo/ba65b0f5-6158-4c3d-...](http://www.jiaap.org/Listing_Detail/Logo/ba65b0f5-6158-4c3d-b135-28bed1573ced.pdf)

------
JessieZero
Come on!Sunshine guy.

------
rudyrigot
With the time you have, start a startup that solves this! \o/

(Yes, I am very serious!)

------
crgt
Play ultimate!

------
naithemilkman
Get a hobby.

------
thewhitebear
Let. go. of. your. pride. Based on your username, I think you're Korean...
from one Korean to another, let go of any pride that you might be clinging on
to. Make jokes. Find a kickass Korean BBQ place in your area, and suggest a
get-together where you show your new buddies how to order, drink Soju, etc.
(NOTE: I've noticed that some Koreans like to brag about their
wealth/generosity with money and try to pay for group meals--Do NOT be awkward
--Do NOT offer to pay for the group meal! I think I have done this before, and
it just made everyone uncomfortable and see me as the one who was trying too
hard.)

Korea has one of the highest suicide rates in the world--remember this so that
you can realize that your approach to thinking about life might not be normal.
As a Korean myself, I don't think Koreans are normal. In my opinion, the
suicide rate is highest among the OECD countries because we are, in general:
(1) excessively prideful (2) always overthinking everything (3) have a warped
perspective on "the grand scheme of things" (4) other things that I won't
mention here... you might know what they are--also related to the problem of
having excessive pride.

You being afraid to interact with people is _probably_ simply this: "I'm much
more intelligent than I appear with my English... I sound like an idiot. But I
am _not_ an idiot."

Of course, I'm only guessing, but if that internal dialog rings true for you,
let go of it. Look in the mirror and say, "I'm an idiot! We're all idiots!
Every person on this planet is some amount of Idiot, and we're going to spend
all of our lives doing our best and trying to improve the lives of people
around us. Through that, we'll somehow find happiness. Because everything will
work out."

Make social mistakes early and often. You will grumble over rejections for
days, but you will forget each crazy social mishap within a year.

Also, you say that you end up wasting time on the weekends. What types of
things do you do on your own? Hiking? Museums? Obtain a new hobby and strive
to become above-amateur at it. Volunteer at the animal shelter. Work in
hospice care. Attend an open-minded church full of university students.

Put your focus on putting other people at easy. Every day, make your goal to
make someone smile.

Remember: We only get what we give. \- Be generous. \- Don't be afraid to call
yourself an idiot and be able to laugh at yourself good-heartedly about it.
(Know that you have immense value as a human being, but don't worry about
everyone having to know your exact level of intelligence.) \- Be really good
at something not work-related. Share that thing with other people.

Also, maybe ask your manager for help and suggestions with this. Surely your
1-on-1 meetings aren't all about work? As an intern, you will be naturally be
curious about the area and whatnot. Whenever I suffered at the social front in
a new city, I asked my past managers for help and they ALWAYS delivered great
ideas.

If the people aren't in your life yet, build the kind of life that you want to
live and the right people will naturally gravitate towards you. As a shy,
introverted, ESL person, this mentality is what helped bring me peace and a
short list of true life-long friends.

Hope this helps. Just remember that awkward moments can sometime cause happy
accidents. The best thing to do if something goes wrong is to laugh about it
(because you are alive!), learn from it, and move on with a brighter and more
open heart. Like a muscle, this practice will strengthen and you'll get more
used to just putting yourself out there--broken English and all--come what
may.

------
hangsu
There’s already plenty of great practical advice about the how and where to
meet new people, so I’d like to offer a different point of view.

Two implied beliefs jump out at me as I’m reading your post:

1\. A richer social life and/or a girlfriend will fill my unbearable void

2\. I lack the skill or power to enrich my social life or impress a potential
romantic partner.

These two points lead me to believe that your pain is a matter of perspective
as much as anything else. Let me explain.

You mentioned that on weekends, you’ve done all sorts of activities alone. So
have I! Last week, I watched the Miyazaki’s last movie (The Wind Rises) at the
Castro Theater by myself, I have breakfast and dinner by myself almost
everyday and I take a solo hour-long stroll to the park a couple times a week
after work. My point is, being alone is only unbearable if you imagine the
grass on the other side to be so vibrantly green that it blinds you to your
present reality. I’m not trying to say ‘hey bud, your life is awesome and
you’re a fool for not seeing how great it is’. Instead, I want you to consider
whether or not having a richer social life is really all that.

Putting an imagined future girlfriend on a pedestal is not only unrealistic,
but it can make the present seem like a real drag. And I’m getting the sense
that that’s what you’re experiencing. This may not be entirely appropriate
here, but there’s a saying (not sure where it’s from) that bluntly gets to the
point: “Behind every beautiful woman, there’s a guy who’s tired of fucking
her.” Now, finding a beautiful lady to spend your evenings with may not be
your big struggle, but the lesson I get out of it is that no singular
attainment will complete your life. There are human beings with thousands of
friends ands fans who are stricken by loneliness at night.

The unfortunate repercussion of having such a vivid imagination is that the
whole situation has been turned into a high-stakes game of poker. Imagine!
Your happiness is hanging off the perceived success of your social life.
Surely, it’s heart-wrenching to strike up a conversation with a stranger who
could potentially grant you happiness in the form of their friendship and
acceptance or condemn you to the pain of rejection. Putting such high
expectations on having a social life is debilitating. Try seeing it in the
same light as opening a jar of pickles. Apply gentle force in the right spots,
but if the jar is stubborn, get another jar of pickles. Whatever you do, don’t
attach your self-worth to your ability to open that pickle jar!

Making friends is hard, but probably no harder than engineering. It doesn’t
take a car, great conversational skills, or even suave. It just takes a
tendency to try and a resistance to overthinking it. Many people gravitate
towards awkward personalities because beyond it, they see innocence and
sensitivity. Some women appreciate men who aren’t helplessly dependent on
cars, and I know plenty of explorers who would be eager to hear about your
travels upon noticing your accent. It’s short-sighted to see your accent or
lack of a car as a problem. There are people who go out of their way to fake
an accent because they think it’s cool! Perspective is everything.

I’ll stop here in case I’m making this more about myself than anyone else, but
I’ll leave a few practical ideas that could potentially make a big difference
at your current junction:

1\. Live with strangers. This gives you the opportunity to bond with people on
a more intimate level. It’s much easier to get past the chit-chat small-talk
phase when you’re living with someone.

Added benefit: save money.

2\. Love doing something. It can be intimidating going to meetups thinking
you’re doing it to meet other people. Solution: Go because you love the
activity. Could be coding, gardening, basketball or lock-picking. If you love
the activity more than you dread the feeling of intimidation, then it becomes
a no-brainer!

Added benefit: less time to overthink when you’re engaged in a thrilling
activity.

3\. Stop using Facebook. I have scientifically proven, through self-
observation, that I am happier without Facebook than I was with it. Okay fine,
there was no science involved, but I remember vividly the feeling of envy as I
scrolled through everyone else’s vacation photos. No Longer.

Added benefit: strangers are sometimes interested in hearing about why I don’t
use Facebook.

Background: Asian, 25 years old. Freelance software engineer. Introvert. Been
living in SF for 3 months and previously in Texas.

If any of this resonates with you, I’m happy to meet up sometime. You can find
me on Twitter @hangsu or GitHub (hangsu)

Best Wishes.

------
jaboutboul
Tinder?

------
tetsuk
What happens after August? Does the internship end and your visa expires or
were you able to secure yourself a permanent job in the US? The reason I ask,
is because, if the time is limited, your options are even more so. Meeting
people is one thing. Even having a fling or two is a very realistic
possibility time-wise. But making friends or any friend at all that is worth
half a penny, takes time. It could happen, but it is not something that you do
or that you make happen. We say we make friends, but we really don't. We find
each other, after lots of interactions with all sorts of people. There is
beauty in it, but in reality it's usually quite messy. There's no algorithm,
no code, no debugging. There's heated arguments, lighthearted fun, fights, all
is game. But when you care about someone enough not to want to lose that
person, and he/she also feels the same way, you know you have a friend
(sometimes a partner). Friends forgive you if you are being an idiot. You
usually have to apologize though. You put yourself out there and sometimes you
get hurt or really mad. Other times, you just get to experience the wonders of
true friendship.

But, I have to ask you (rhetorically), what have you been thinking? (And now
the part where I answer my own question) I am making an assumption here so
feel free to call me out on it, but my feeling is that you didn't think making
friends was really that important. You see something now, that maybe you
didn't before, and you suddenly want that. I had a conversation with a cousin
of mine long ago, and he was smart (in school), but he didn't have any
friends. And so once I told him, to forget about lots of the idealistic stuff
he had going on in his mind all the time, and to make friends, because there
lies real value. That was very sad to see, but then again, that was his choice
and we are accountable for the choices we make.

Now, I am not saying you are like my cousin, but I bet my right arm and leg
that you had more than one chance during your stay in college or at work, to
make friends. But you didn't. So you really need to ask yourself why and not
make any more excuses if you really want to change that.

As someone else suggested, at your age, most people have already made their
friends and are not likely to invest in making new friends. Acquaintances
sure, but for friends, that train is gone (mostly). But do you know why? It's
not because of a first come, stacking kind of logic, where once the stack is
full, you're done. It's because becoming friends with someone can be
exhausting emotionally, and most people tend to have some resistance after
twenty-plus years of trials and errors. It's not the same with finding a
partner, since people of all ages are looking for a partner, so that is
actually much easier.

If you are serious about wanting real friends, be ready to work for two.

People you hang out with just when you feel like it, are not friends. They are
more like acquaintances. Friends are those people you hang out with even when
you don't feel like (in many occasions). I don't want to turn this into a
discussion about acquaintances and the different types of friendships though.
All I am saying here is that you are not a friend with someone because it is
convenient. I hope I could get this point across.

Next up: language. Honestly without hearing you speak, there isn't much to
say, but you can write fairly well. I am also guessing that you can understand
everything people say to you when they speak. If that is the case, as long as
you don't speak in an incomprehensible way, people won't care much. Still,
it's good to work on improving how you sound and to be both modest and
confident. People tend to shy away from people who lack confidence (and from
those with too much of it also, although not always). There's a book called
American Accent Training, with a nice American flag adorning the cover! For
Asians that talk in a non-flowing manner, it can be of great help.

BTW, conversation is not about how you pronounce something, but about what you
do and how you do it. Listen and show genuine care, or to put it bluntly,
"give a damn". Learn to do this constantly. Don't try to fool people. If your
interest is not genuine, a real relationship will not come out of it.

Don't give up ever, act, and things will happen. Maybe not tomorrow, but then
it is just a matter of time, and time is still on your side.

------
niklabh
Are you from china or india?

------
johnsonstalke
what does being Asian have anything to do with this?

~~~
crimsonalucard
It doesn't specifically. But asian males are in general shyer and less
attractive.

~~~
crimsonalucard
Just to make everyone aware that what I said above wasn't meant to be racist.
I'm an asian male myself and I'm just telling reality as it is. You never
really see white girls with an asian guy and a big part of that is both
personality and looks. Asians tend to be short, skinny and nerdy and they
don't have the sharper, more masculine facial features that white people have.

There are of course tons of exceptions to this broad generalization, but the
generalization still exists.

Sorry if I offended anyone.

------
vkjv
Sell your startup for a $bajillion.

------
mankypro
Game.

Nuff' said.

------
crassus
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the South Bay is the worst area I've
lived in America for meeting people, especially ladies.

------
notastartup
did you really have to add the 'Asian' connotation? IMHO, labeling yourself is
already a sign of low self esteem. Don't limit yourself, being Asian has
nothing to do with your lack of friends or your introversion.

Imagine if it was a Black engineer, again, it matters very little, don't put
society's label on yourself.

Also, you are totally not alone man, everyone's been there. I used to live and
work alone but it's like well, something you just gotta get through. If it
helps, I hear California has a great medical marijuana program, it would
definitely help you relax and help you forget about being lonely, although I
wouldn't rely on it solely.

You can add me on skype if you feel lonely sometime, just email me.

------
dueprocess
You'll definitely want to check out Rejection Therapy:
[http://rejectiontherapy.com](http://rejectiontherapy.com)

Here are people who have done Rejection Therapy:

Surprising Lessons From 100 Days of Rejection (TED video):
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFWyseydTkQ&feature=youtu.be](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFWyseydTkQ&feature=youtu.be)

Rejection Therapy Saved My Soul: [http://theapproachmachine.com/rejection-
therapy-saved-my-sou...](http://theapproachmachine.com/rejection-therapy-
saved-my-soul/)

My 40 Days of Rejection: [http://my40days.co.uk/](http://my40days.co.uk/)

------
paulhauggis
go to a language meetup in your native language (Chinese, Japanese). You will
have a connection with Americans that want to learn your language.

------
wcummings
I'm increasingly convinced most people don't understand what "introvert"
means. Introversion is not social anxiety or shyness, you can be an introvert
and have zero problems talking to people, enjoy going out with friends and
socializing etc..

------
hirre
1\. Get a sports car. 2\. Pull up to a nice place (night club, resturant etc)
3\. Problem solved.

~~~
jturolla
-.-

~~~
danfalos
Its quite simple making friends , you just need to feel confident and if you
start doubting yourself just start to count 1,2 before you reach 3 do it , and
soon that hidden voice will disappear and the confident grows.Feeling sorry
for your self will be the worst.Am a developer and the first thing i do say hi
to people randomly in the morning and any time and listen to a station like
Capital UK find it amazing and even as i punch code ,,,you mind is knowing
something that is happening and if you are the type of music guys you still
enjoy .

