

Ask HN: getting married tonight - tips for success? - jaxn

Tonight I am getting married. I am also 3 months in to a new venture that is obviously taking up a lot of time.&#60;p&#62;I am curious what pointers HNers might have for maintaining a healthy marriage while also growing a successful startup.
======
dotBen
I've been married and divorced and I'm still in my late twenties. Not sure I
can help you with any maxims on maintaining a healthy marriage but on the
startup front I would suggest you strongly consider a pre-nup - or if the
wedding is this evening, a post-nup.

I sincerely hope you never end up in a divorce situation but during mine
(under California law) I had to give up 50% of my equity and options rights in
the startups I've been involved in that occurred during the marriage because
they were 'community property' (ie owned by the couple).

I'm not a lawyer, but if you have your own startup and your wife isn't a
shareholder and you divorce she is entitled to 50% of anything you vested
during that time. It works both ways if she is also involved in startups (ie
you would get 50% of hers) and to that end you could agree to trade/cancel
things out. I was able to buy my ex-wife out because I didn't want her to
remain involved in the company but it was very costly. There's a longer and
more gory story in here but this isn't really the place to get into it plus
confidentially issues come into play.

When you get married, you don't really want to think about divorce. In the
same way when you form the company documents for your startup, you don't
really think about an IPO or an exit - yet in both cases at that end point
some of the decisions you made at the start will come into play and so it's
important to get things in order now.

EDIT: Another tid-bit of info - if you exercise options or sell the company
your spouse has to sign-off agreement on the documents. Again, if you end up
estranged from your wife that can cause all kinds of delays and issues.

~~~
akulbe
I couldn't disagree more strongly with this sentiment. Marriage is built on
trust, and with a pre-nup agreement, you're starting out with the premise
_BEFORE YOU'VE EVEN MARRIED_... that 'this is how we divorce'. BAD IDEA.

If you don't trust someone enough, don't get married. Period. End of story.

~~~
dgallagher
One thing that stuck out with me was Donald Trump's books. He wrote two or
three of them in the 1980's/1990's, and in each dedicated an entire chapter to
prenups, why to have one, and why he had one. He went through two divorces and
only ended up paying a few million dollars (pre-agreed upon), rather than half
which would have been close to a billion. Agreeing how to end a relationship
is much easier to do while you're still friends rather than enemies. Hopefully
it never happens, but situations and incentives change, and having a prenup is
an excellent hedge against the unpredictability of the future.

------
david927
My mom is a psychologist, so I'll tell you what she told me before I got
married:

A Native American couple was to get married, and the medicine man came to them
and said, "There are three of you here: the groom, the bride and death. The
relationship you have right now will die. But from its ashes can spring a new
relationship. That new relationship will be different, less exciting in some
ways, maybe, but deeper and stronger. And that new relationship will die, but
from its ashes a new one can spring again. This will go on and on for your
lifetime together."

Expect that your relationship will change and be prepared to change with it.
Expect to forgive the past and expect to discover the future.

About balancing work and a new venture, my only advice is to _always_ make
clear to her/him that s/he is the first priority. You may have to spend more
time with the venture, but it is always number two. And be prepared to
continually show, over and over, what you feel is obvious: how much you love
them and how important they are to you. Never assume they know.

P.S. Congratulations and my warmest wishes for your future together!

~~~
stanmancan
Wow, I really like that quote from the medicine man. I think lots of people
expect the first stage of the relationship to last for ever, and when things
become less exciting, ignore the deeper love and attachment that generally
comes along with it. Relationships evolve, just like people.

------
iamelgringo
My wife and I have been married 14 years, and it's the best decision I've ever
made.

We knew from the start that we did not ever want to go through a divorce, and
that we wanted our marriage to be for keeps. So, we worked backwards from that
and thought about what it would take to make that happen.

So, I suggested that we go to marriage counseling right after we got married.
And, within 6 months of getting married, we did marriage counseling for 1.5
years. It really helped a lot.

We've also taken communication classes together and we've made a point to go
back in to counseling to talk through problems with a third party present
before things get too bad.

It takes a lot of time and effort, but marriage is one of those investments
where the returns always out weight the investment in it.

BTW, my wife is also my co founder.

------
ludicast
Marriage is always a mistake, but it is important that you make it with the
right person :-). I've been married for 3.5 years to the best girl in the
world.

Best mistake I ever made.

As far as advice goes, make her feel included in your adventures and when she
tells you about her day at least try to listen.

The main thing that changes when you get married is that you can no longer
crash at other people's houses. Even at 4am she'll expect you to go home.

------
T_S_
I got married on New Year's Eve 16 years ago. It was a great night to get
married, so congratulations. New Year's Eve will always be your anniversary
first and a holiday second, which is a good thing if you ask me.

Advice? Don't!!! (Just a little vestibule humor.)

Real advice...

Don't ever treat your partner worse than you would treat a stranger. Another
way of saying don't take them for granted.

Ensure your partner becomes or remains your best friend.

You will both change over the years. Do it together or you will inevitably do
it separately.

Be a little unpredictable about doing nice things for your partner. Shockingly
effective.

None of this is relevant for tonight. Enjoy!

------
spitfire
Get off the computer and pay attention to your new wife!

~~~
T_S_
He's not allowed. She's probably getting dressed.

~~~
jaxn
You were absolutely right

(and right now we are hanging out on our computers together)

------
joshrule
Probably the two most important things as I close my first year of marriage (2
January is my anniversary):

\- Do as much as possible together. Try to play games on the same team. Eat
meals together. Talk together. Get ready in the mornings together. Watch
movies together. Do as much as you possibly can - together. If you think about
the way we use the word 'marry' in other concepts (i.e. the perfect marriage
of X and Y), it talks about a blending of two things that becomes a new, third
thing. So, marriage isn't just two people living in the same place. It's two
people becoming something new together. One of the best examples I've seen of
this idea is the second chapter of the book _A Severe Mercy_. The togetherness
the author writes about is ridiculously complete.

\- The wedding, as much work as it takes to put together, is just the starting
line. Don't make the mistake of thinking that you've won your wife and can
move onto another project. It's an incredibly easy mistake to make, and a
terribly dangerous one. Marriage, especially because of my first point, is
hard work. It's breath-taking and awe-inspiring, but it's also hard work. I
Love it!

Congratulations!

------
pierrefar
In terms of relationship, my advice will be the same whether you're starting
up or working in BigBoring Inc. It boils down to 3 things:

1\. Time: Make time for each other. Schedule it as if it's a big important
meeting with an investor if need be. Even better is to have a routine that
naturally makes time for you two to be together. Whatever it takes.

2\. Talking: Always talk about everything that might be going wrong or right.
This is especially true in the early days as you figure what this marriage
thing is all about. No relationship I know of broke down because the couple
communicated too much.

3\. Adapt: What you have now is not what you're going to have in a year's time
and certainly not you'll have in 2 years. Your startup might succeed or it
might fail. You will have unforseen family obligations come up at the most
inopportune time. One of you might lose their job or get ill long term. In
short: life will throw you curve balls and you two must deal with them and
adapt.

This usually where people insert some cliche analogy, but I'll spare you :)
Congrats and good luck!

------
sown
If you anger her enough she can take more than half of everything.

Down vote if you want. I have yet to see a marriage of two people I know not
end in divorce or where one or both are trapped in a loveless marriage.

~~~
donspaulding
You need to meet more people.

------
mindcrime
Also, it might be worth reading what Roissy has to say on the subject:

<http://roissy.wordpress.com/2008/01/14/dont-get-married/>

------
akulbe
Communicate. A LOT.

And listen to her, at least twice as much as you speak. You know... the whole
two ears - one mouth cliché? :)

Is she your best friend? If she isn't, get to a place in your relationship
where she is.

Include her in your plans, your thoughts, your dreams.

Also, being a tech geek, you likely have the "problem solving" mentality.
Understand that some days, she will be emotional, and perhaps even
irrational... this is not the time to "fix" her. Just listen.

Women are responders. Typically, if you take good care of her, there's nothing
she wouldn't do for you.

It is simple, but not at all easy. Be prepared for HARD WORK. :)

------
duncan_bayne
Honest, open communication. If your wife knows everything that's going on in
your head & your life, & you know everything that's going on in her head & her
life, you'll be equipped to deal with pretty much every problem you can face.

------
cracell
Not married yet but have lived with my girlfriend for the last year while
building a startup and having contracting to pay the bills.

Biggest thing I've learned is to set aside enough time to do things just the
two of you with the computer off and the cell phone silenced.

Make sure your love knows they are first priority in your life. When you are
stressed communicate why you are stressed, don't just try to extinguish it.
Ask for help when you need it, you aren't alone anymore :).

And get a clear financials plan. Stressing about money plus the day to day
stress of building a startup can really damage relationships.

------
minsight
You will have to compromise. If you're lucky, and have found the right person,
they'll be willing to compromise, too. And if it's right, neither partner will
mind.

If either of you maintain "It has to be my way" or "It has to be this way"
thoughts, things might get rocky...

------
gaiusparx
1\. Watch out when she starts to call your computer your second wife or
mistress. You need more time for her. 2\. Don't buy her geek toys/gadgets as
gifts. 3\. Make her the priority, not the new venture.

As for tonight, just relax, enjoy and make her feel wanted and loved.

~~~
joshzayin
> Don't buy her geek toys/gadgets as gifts

...unless she's a geek, presumably?

I mean, there certainly exist men who would love to have a geek toy/gadget as
a gift, so why shouldn't at least some women want that as well?

------
tamersalama
Congratulations. Quick tip - set time off the grid to enjoy each other's (and
future kids') company. It's just amazing how being connected can take away
from true moments of love.

------
StevenHodson
Don't piss her off and most importantly she's always right :)

------
aresant
I’ve found that carving out a little bit of time each day makes a huge
difference.

Your spouse knows what you’re doing and supports you, so make a little time
daily to recognize that commitment to you, with a commitment to them.

From previous threads things I've seen and put into action that really work:

\- Have a sit-down dinner together every night.

\- Spend at least half-of-one weekend day out of the house together.

\- Spend at least 15 mins of uninterrupted time talking and focused on each
other in the morning, and before bed.

More good threads on this topic:

[http://steveblank.com/2009/06/18/epitaph-for-an-
entrepreneur...](http://steveblank.com/2009/06/18/epitaph-for-an-
entrepreneur/)

<http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1620335>

<http://searchyc.com/submissions/marriage>

Lastly, SUCCEED!

The dividends of success provide financial stability which is a cornerstone
for a happy marriage.

------
unohoo
single most important tip from a geek who's been happily married for 5 years
now:

The wife is always right !!

~~~
mindcrime
That kind of thinking perfectly represents why I'll probably never get
married.

No, she isn't always right. Nobody is _always_ right. Women just think they
can yank men's strings with the threat of A. witholding sex, and/or B. divorce
(marriage / divorce laws heavily favor women, at least in the US.)

Before I'd even consider getting married, I'd have to know that my wife to be
understands that we're equals in the relationship... I'm not kowtowing to her,
and I wouldn't expect her to kowtow to me. But no way would I ever voluntarily
enter into such a lopsided relationship as the typical American marriage,
where the wife has her husband "by the balls."

If nothing else, it's a good argument for keeping one's pickup skills sharp,
just so the wife knows that "withholding sex" isn't much of a threat. And a
good argument for a well-written pre-nup.

~~~
s3graham
Good lord, that's not what that expression means.

It means don't argue about unimportant things. If your spouse wants something
that you don't have a strong opinion about then roll with it. Don't sweat the
small stuff.

If you're keeping your pickup skills sharp, you haven't really gotten married,
you just did some mock ceremony and happen to be living together.

~~~
mindcrime
_It means don't argue about unimportant things. If your spouse wants something
that you don't have a strong opinion about then roll with it. Don't sweat the
small stuff._

Maybe to you... I know more than a few of my guy friends who literally let
their wives control them "by the balls" so to speak, and don't have that
healthy balance.

But anyway, yeah, what you just said, I'm down with that, when you put it that
way.

 _If you're keeping your pickup skills sharp, you haven't really gotten
married, you just did some mock ceremony and happen to be living together._

I have to admit, my views on the nature of sex, romance, dating, marriage are
NOT inline with the majority of society; so it comes as no surprise that you
would say that. I really think the whole idea of life-long monogamous
relationships is basically a farce... I'm basically polyamorous, but can see
the merits of interludes of monogamy....serial monogamy if you will.

------
roadnottaken
Happy wife -> happy life.

------
mkramlich
#1. say "I do"

~~~
jf271
Patience is really a virture. And you don't need to win every battle to win
the war. Wait until it is something that really matters to you before raising
your voice.

I don't know if I have been sucessful or not yet. I have only been married 28
years. My wife's parents made it over 50 years.

------
Mz
I was married over 20 years and the divorce was amicable. We treated the
relationship as a private matter and nobody's business. My oldest son has said
that when he was a kid, he couldn't comprehend stereotypical jokes about
interfering in-laws and the like because he never once saw that in his own
family. My ex was career military, so we didn't live near either of our
families. That simplified that aspect of it. But I imagine we would have drawn
pretty clear boundaries in that regard anyway, even if circumstances had been
different. What goes on in the marriage has to be between the two of you and
the rest of the world can go screw itself. If you can get that piece right,
the marriage can withstand quite a lot, for many years.

Congratulations! I hope this is happily ever after.

PS: If at all possible, call when you are going to be late. That will go a
long way towards letting your spouse know that you do really care about them
even when the business is making demands on your time. It took my ex too many
years to get the hang of that one.

------
faust1
compromise.

