

Toss Your Expectations Into the Ocean - manish_modi
http://zenhabits.net/ah/

======
gomphus
I would like to toss the author of this paean to passivity into the ocean.

Yes, sure, clinging on to certain kinds of unrealistic expectations, in
certain contexts (particularly personal relationships), can be fatal.

But this is a truism that any idiot could tell you - and in this case the post
is generalized to the point of meaninglessness.

Suppose you encounter someone who is openly racist, dishonest or technically
incompetent at their job, and no one is challenging him about it. Because it's
bad to have expectations about public & professional behaviour, and even worse
to actually impose them on others!

Here's the core message: when the world isn't how you think it should be,
don't have the courage to try and change it, or to speak out about how you
feel. Suppress your feelings, accept everything just the way it is, and - just
as long as you yourself behave well - all the bad energy will go away!

Sounds to me like someone trying to justify being a total wimp. Like someone
who's so afraid of experiencing any degree of anger or disappointment that
they philosophize their way to vapidity and numbness. And I'm afraid that's my
overall impression of people who embrace "zen" as a lifestyle paradigm,
(rather than just a mindset for, say, a discrete programming project, for
which it can work wonderfully). Zen has its place, but taken too far it
becomes morally corrosive, and turns personalities to mud.

~~~
ianterrell
> _philosophize their way to vapidity and numbness_

I've often felt that the Buddhist "no desires" and "no mind" concepts are akin
to the trivial solution in polynomials or vector math: set everything to 0!

That it's one solution does not mean there are not other, non-zero solutions.

~~~
gacba
You've fallen into the classic trap: Buddhism does not espouse nihilism (the
negation of all things),

Buddhism simply asserts that what you think is your reality, isn't. That's not
to say that NOTHING is real or that you don't experience something, it's to
say what you put stock in is very much not worth doing so.

~~~
ianterrell
No. My statement was short, but that's not what I said at all. And while I'm
not an expert, I've read extensively on the subject (20 books?), am actually
quite familiar with and fond of eastern ways of thought, and am well aware of
common misconceptions.

My main point, though, is in striving to be desire-free. (To the adept, this
is an upaya, a clever means of potentially pointing out the truth, not the
truth itself. However, it's an oft used one.) In the case of this article,
being desire-free is translated into being expectation-free. They're the same
idea to the author.

I'm not discussing what reality is here, or what it is not, but am looking at
the idea that desire causes suffering. I've imagined this phrased as a set of
coefficients indicating quantity for all desires in the world, i.e. x1 is how
much you have desire d1:

x1 * d1 + x2 * d2 + ... = Suffering

In the classic Buddhist disciplines, one eliminates desire (whether as an end
goal or upaya is up to you to decide, or more appropriately, ignore). To
phrase it again as math, it's the trivial solution to the equation above:

0 * d1 + 0 * d2 + ... = No Suffering

My hypothesis is that the coefficients need not be 0 to find a non-suffering
answer.

(And, in fact, I do believe that's what Buddhism teaches, or shows,
eventually. But all of the above holds.)

~~~
jdp23
It's a lot more complex than that. Check out Lama Yeshe's Introduction to
Tantra: Transformation of Desire -- [http://www.amazon.com/Introduction-
Tantra-Lama-Thubten-Yeshe...](http://www.amazon.com/Introduction-Tantra-Lama-
Thubten-Yeshe/dp/0861711629)

------
wccrawford
This is so much easier to see in other people than yourself.

For instance, I know someone who is very giving with his time and energy, but
when someone fails to thank him to a degree that he thinks is proper, he gets
really angry about it.

I've tried telling him not to do things with an expectation of something in
return, even a 'Thank you', because it will just make him angry. He should be
doing them because he wants to do them for the person.

For another example, a lady gave to charity at work every year. Then, her
daughter fell on hard times and there wasn't enough money for her daughter,
and her grand-daughter. She went to some of the very same organizations that
she donated to for years and they all told her that she wasn't their target
and they couldn't help her. She got really angry and stopped giving to charity
at all.

I don't blame her, but she'd have been much less angry if she'd not expected
anything.

------
Produce
They could have elaborated on how to achieve this a bit more. At it's core,
the thing which must be increased is awareness, of both yourself and the world
(which, from the proper perspective, are one and the same). The concrete
method is meditation, where the goal is to learn to make your mind perfectly
still. In attempting to do so, one will become aware of the things which are
not still, these things are attachments. Enlightenment is called the process
of self-realization for this reason - when you become aware of how much of
what you think you are is really not you at all, you will know your true self
and transcend suffering. You will transcend it because you're not the one
who's suffering in the first place. Suffering is essentially an identity
crisis.

------
Jach
Expecting less or nothing can indeed be calming, but it's not the only Way.

Rather than letting go of all expectation, simply shift your expectations as
required by reality, and shift them without anger or regret. If one of your
predicted expectations goes wrong, use Bayes' Theorem to adjust your
probability functions until your expectations are right. If expectations turn
out to be unpredictable, then we might wish to not have them. I don't think
that is the case.

Here's more from the Tao Te Ching:

    
    
        The Master's power is like this.
        He lets all things come and go
        effortlessly, without desire.
        He never expects results;
        thus he is never disappointed.
        He is never disappointed;
        thus his spirit never grows old.
    

People focus their thoughts in the "results tank" but not in the "effort tank"
or the "action tank". It's always "I want money!" not "I will learn a valuable
skill and start working to use this skill." It's not that people have
expectations, it's just that their expectations are often wrong and they don't
adjust or take action.

~~~
ianterrell
The concept that verse espouses is Wu Wei. It's worth anyone's time to
understand. My favorite explanations of it come from Alan Watts in Tao: The
Watercourse Way [0], but Wikipedia [1] is not terrible.

The other concept indicated in the last paragraph on "results tank" not
"effort tank" is _lust of result_. There aren't as many sources discussing
this topic directly, but Zen in the Art of Archery [2] is good, as is Watts'
Way of Zen [3].

I highly recommend them all for anyone interested in _creating_ things.

[0] [http://www.amazon.com/Tao-Watercourse-Way-Alan-
Watts/dp/0394...](http://www.amazon.com/Tao-Watercourse-Way-Alan-
Watts/dp/0394733118)

[1] <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wu_wei>

[2] [http://www.amazon.com/Zen-Art-Archery-Eugen-
Herrigel/dp/0375...](http://www.amazon.com/Zen-Art-Archery-Eugen-
Herrigel/dp/0375705090)

[3] <http://www.amazon.com/Way-Zen-Alan-W-Watts/dp/0375705104>

------
anamax
> What’s a life without expectations like? It means you accept reality as it
> is

Actually no.

The fact that some expectations don't match reality does not imply that there
aren't any expectations that match reality.

Realistic expectations seem quite reasonable and useful.

Note that realistic doesn't have anything to do with your preferences.

------
pittsburgh
I can appreciate the benefits of lowering your expectations of others, but I
have trouble reconciling how to lower expectations of oneself without
sacrificing your goals.

My friends and family often tell me that I'd be more content if I lowered my
self-expectations, but I have trouble _not_ equating that with throwing in the
towel.

Is it possible to obtain a healthy balance in the middle? I hope so, otherwise
I worry that the next Benjamin Franklin, or Steve Jobs, or insert-your-
favorite-overachiever-here will read advice like this and take the easy route
instead of working harder to follow their dreams.

Seriously though, I'd be thrilled if anybody could suggest that both are
somehow possible.

------
Wilya
This is easier said than done. I'd like to think I learned not to expect
anything from anyone, apart from very close persons. And I think it fits in
the rational part of how I see things.

But even if I act and prepare myself to cope with people doing unexpected
stuff, deep down I'm still hit when they actually do it. And this deep feeling
is hard to suppress.

Besides, if you want to actually _do_ something with other people, you're
bound to make some assumptions on how they will react. Thus, expectations.

------
siphr
Haha nice, I publish an essay on amazon kindle a few months ago along the same
line. [http://www.amazon.co.uk/To-Be-Human-
ebook/dp/B00551JJTM/ref=...](http://www.amazon.co.uk/To-Be-Human-
ebook/dp/B00551JJTM/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&m=A3TVV12T0I6NSM&s=digital-
text&qid=1309536712&sr=1-7)

------
praptak
It is hard to just drop your expectations, it requires practice. You might
even end up doubly disappointed - once by your expectations and twice by your
expectation about your expectations not being there anymore :)

------
lucian1900
I ended up doing this without trying, apparently. Had I not read this, I
wouldn't have formulated my degree of relaxation as a lack of expectations.

------
sliverstorm
Living with no expectations is an exceedingly dull, soul-sucking way to live.
I know, I've tried it.

Some expectations are a good thing. Just let go of the bad ones, or learn how
to let go if an expectation is not met. You don't _have_ to get upset when
expectations are not met.

~~~
rickmode
Goals are a good think. Faith in your own ability to achieve your goals is
good. Spending time dreaming about outcomes and then wasting time wishing the
real outcomes did not happen and wishing things had been different and that
you had done something different ... that's all counterproductive.

Zen is all about cutting out the BS in your mind. Living inside your dreams
about what should be, what should happen and what should have happened is all
bad thinking. It's illogical.

Zen helps become less wrong.

------
sree_nair
The most famour Sanskrit Verse from India : "karmanya Eva Adhikastha, maa
Phaleshu kada Chana" - Do your work without thinking of the returns.

------
mattgreenrocks
This is a fine way to live.

But it falls apart when you mix in other people. Because, if other people are
emotionally immature (and most people are) they'll perceive you as weak, and
limit your opportunities because you're not posturing as a chest-thumping
blowhard. Thus, you too have to speak the language of power while knowing full
well that you don't buy into it. I can think of nothing more boring than
taking yourself seriously.

~~~
mattgreenrocks
Not sure why this was downvoted. I'd hope to find real solutions to practicing
this sort of viewpoint within social systems that value power.

