
Ask HN: I’ve got a well paying job, but I’m depressed, what should I do? - throwaway978456
Backstory:<p>I’m young, I’ve got a great paying job, enough to sustain my family on my income alone - but I’ve become incredibly depressed. The commute to my job is 2 hours each way, I end up working 12-14 hours a day, the office I’m in, the other employees segment me, they don’t talk to me, and they’re constantly rude to me. I’m marginally younger than the rest.<p>I’m depressed because it feels like I’m living a nightmare going into work, it’s torture to walk into there and know everyone hates me, and the worst part is I don’t know why. I’ve confronted said people, and they won’t even explain, nor acknowledge my existence.<p>What would you do if you were in my shoes?
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WheelsAtLarge
1st admit to yourself that work is work. No matter what type of work you do
there are parts that you will dislike and don't want to do. 2nd the commute is
painful. Figure out a way to shorten it to 1/2 an hour a day or find a way
that you don't have to drive there-- Uber?. 3rd, yup coworkers can be jerks
but you have to find a way to work with them. You are the only one that can
change in this situation. They won't change for you. I suggest you read a few
books on how to make friends. 1 tip, look at the most popular people and
analyze why they are in that position. One thing I've noticed is that techies
tend to feel superior to others because they feel they are smarter. The
reality is that they are not. They might be in one area of life but life is
very broad and no one is that smart. 4th don't get a new job, as you might be
wishing, until you can figure out the problem with you and your coworkers. The
problem will follow you unless you figure out the problem. Confronting co-
workers will not get you many results. They will only come up with answers
that will make feel better. It's best to talk to them as friends to help you
but that won't happen unless they are friends. Lastly seek help, having
someone else's perspective will help you a lot.

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sethammons
I had a two+ hour commute per day (each way). Did it for _years_. The
difference being that I really like my co-workers. A couple of thoughts:

Ask if you can go part time remote. Like two days. That made things so much
better. I also was able to commute a large segment by train, and that helped.
Eventually I went full remote, and miss my time in the office (bit really like
my 30 second commute!).

Strive to get 360 reviews in place. It allows for anonymous feedback on
stengths and areas where you can grow. You might get back some places where
you can get better professionally and with interpersonal stuff and you might
learn what people value about you.

Talk with your manager about your concerns. Y'all should be having regular one
on ones.

Leverage the commute. Audiobooks for entertainment or something you want to
learn more about. If you can do public transportation, work on something fun.

Realize life requires balance. Have fun. Do things. Be around and interact
with people. Work on yourself, take up an exercise regiment involving lifting
weights.

Know that a job is a job. Prioritize you and your family.

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bilu144
Hey, I'm sorry to hear that you're enduring this terrible situation. I was in
your shoes a year ago, except that for me I didn't enjoy my personal life (bad
relationships, no real friends, away from home, etc.) but was okay with my job
(much younger than the rest, good salary). In my case, I ended up leaving my
great paying job to return home. Life is much better now, but my current job
is paying much less. It's still enough for me, but I can't single-handedly
support my family anymore.

In your case, your commute is way too long but there are some ways to spend
away the time such as sleep, read books, listen to podcasts, or even call to
check on people. In workplace, if you enjoy your job, just ignore other
employees and focus on your job. That would be best. Take their presence as a
pinch of salt. Only communicate with them if needed. In the end not many co-
workers will become your friend, and haters gonna hate.

If you are new to this job, try to cope with this for like a year or two, just
to save up some money. For me, after quitting my job, I realized there ain't
many companies that are willing to pay good money and also offer so many
benefits as my previous employer.

However, if you feel like this workplace situation is killing you, get out
asap. In the end having a lot of money is nice but it's not everything in
life.

Good luck mate.

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croo
If I were in your shoes I would not even accept a job that requires 20 hours
per week to commute to even if it was a great job. Thats a 60 hour work week
in my book. If you regularly work 12-14 hours then with commute your job takes
away 80-90 hour per week from you.

What you describe is a clean and well lighted highway to burnout even if its a
good workplace. And it's not.

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badpun
If everybody hates you there, chances are it’s caused by something you do/are.
If you can’t figure out what that is by yourself, maybe talking to a therapist
would help. If there is something specific in your character or behavior that
causes people to dislike you, he’s qualified to find that. Also, unlike
friends and family, it’s his job to be brutally honest with you if that’s for
your benefit. Plus, like you said, you’re in a difficult moment of your life,
so having some outside councel will be helpful anyway.

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com2kid
Is your commute worth the pay?

Calculate how much your time is worth, taking a job closer to home may very
well be worth a pay cut.

Figure at least $50 an hour, that is $200 a day in commute, $1000 a week.

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p0d
As you are a family man/woman I would say either get a new job or professional
help. I burdened my own partner with unhappiness for a time and wish I had of
dealt with things sooner.

There are enough suggestions already as to how you might make progress.

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pizza
Do you think these people seem like they would even spend a second figuring
out how they could try to better please you if the situation were flipped
around? Make your decision with that in mind. Sounds like a really shitty
environment.

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hiddensong
Look for a new job. Get new the new job. Then quit the old job.

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icedchai
Tell them you need to work from home. If they won't do it, quit. 2 hours each
way is a terrible commute.

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philpem
This sounds similar to why I left my last job. Ended up at the doctors' with
severe depression and they dropped a bombshell on me.

    
    
      "There's nothing medical science can do to help. I can prescribe you with SSRIs but that won't fix anything. What you need to do is look for a job that you can at least tolerate, or you'll end up dead before you hit retirement, by stress or by your own hand."
      (yep, direct quote from my notes)
    

After a week or so of thinking about it, I realised she was right. I started
talking to old friends in the industry, did a few after-work meet-and-lunch
sessions and found a couple of companies local to me who were hiring. Talked
to recruiters too, ended up with a few interviews. This time I wasn't jumping
from a sinking ship, I had time to look and I was going to find "the right
one" this time.

A few months of searching, I interviewed at my current employer. Took the job
on the basis that I'd talked to old university friends and former colleagues
who were working for them too, and nobody had anything negative to say. My
former line manager a few jobs back was well-known and wrote me a glowing
reference (I didn't want to ask my current employer and give away that I was
looking).

I got an offer and I took it. It's been like night and day, and I keep having
to tell myself "yes, you're being paid for this, no you're not dreaming". My
partner told me the other night "I've never seen you so happy."

So my point is, if you really don't like the job (and from reading your post
it sounds like that's the case), look elsewhere. Maybe it's not you, maybe
you're just not a good fit for the current job's culture and environment.
Different people are good at different things.

Polish off your CV. Put some feelers out. Make what you're doing work for long
enough that you can find something else on a reasonable timescale. Book a few
half-days off and set up some interviews. At the very least, you'll get a
better idea what openings are out there.

Once you have a signed offer, politely walk into your boss's office and say
"Thank you for the opportunity, sir, but I feel like I need to move on with my
career". Never burn bridges unless you have no other option. If you have an
exit interview, all you need to say is "I just think it's time for a change of
scenery and I had an offer I'd be silly to refuse". Keep it short and polite.
In 90% of cases they just want to tick the "did the exit interview" box.

Someone downthread said "if everyone hates you, chances are it's caused by
something you do or who you are". Go down the "how can I improve?" line with
your line manager in a private 1-to-1, but if you don't get anywhere.. it
could well be "who you are", in the sense of "not a good fit for the company".
Basically, you won't get on with everyone you meet -- and you can't make
people like you because that's their choice. And if it's not working out...
sometimes the best thing to do is say "this is not fixable in this way" and
move on.

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m0llusk
something else

