

Ask HN: Have I wasted my college years by commuting? - vortexh

Hey guys, I&#x27;ve been struggling with enjoying college (I&#x27;m currently a junior) because, long story short, I commute and didn&#x27;t take the chance to transfer to another university. In high school I applied to 4 places and got rejected from Cornell and ended up going to a State University that I lived across the street from (quite literally...I can see the university from my house). I&#x27;m in my 3rd year and I feel I just didn&#x27;t have the same experiences as my peers did by living on campus and enjoying the entire package. I have no problems being social and attending events but I haven&#x27;t found that one thing in college that makes me feel like I&#x27;m part of something bigger than myself (if you know what I mean). My freshman year was plagued by the inability to drive to campus so I walked but I tried my best to talk to people in my classes (people like me). I joined various clubs but the spark wasn&#x27;t there (Biochemistry club was close but I&#x27;m not in Biochemistry anymore---One person in there was in the same situation yet he&#x27;s doing very well in terms of enjoying his college life). Then I thought about joining a fraternity but I&#x27;m not sure if that would jive well with me (I&#x27;m a commuter so that raises eyebrows from on campus folk in a fraternity). I&#x27;m afraid of leaving college without a substantial change in personality from high school. I&#x27;d like to reinvent myself because I don&#x27;t want to be the same guy I was in high school.
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YuriNiyazov
I commuted too. It totally sucked, and I got much less out my college
experience than I could've. My girlfriend did too. Basically, our answer is,
yes, you did, sorry.

Some people are somehow able to naturally fit into the college life even
though they commute. Other people just don't, and need the continuous hustle
of the dorm life to really feel like they are learning something about how
people live and interact. You just might be one of the latter.

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vortexh
Thanks for replying, much appreciated.

I don't know...I guess I'm sad that my parents were against dorming since I
lived so close. I try to get over the fact that I commute because I feel like
I can do something for myself even if I am in this situation. I'll go through
these periods in my life where I feel inadequate, dealt bad cards, and didn't
take the chance to leave even when my GPA was fantastic. Don't get me wrong, I
don't hate myself but all I have are grades and some great conversations with
professors. Still...

Mind if I ask where you went to college? What are you doing now?

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YuriNiyazov
I went to NYU, and commuted to Manhattan from Queens. My parents were also
against me dorming. Yea I wasn't too pleased with them for that. Oh well. This
was over a decade ago - now I live in Berkeley, CA; I work as a consultant
programmer on various web related projects, after having done a few startups
as a cofounder (none worked out) and at this point the fact that I lived at
home during college is no longer relevant - after college I got a job, moved
into a four bedroom apartment in Brooklyn NY with a couple of dudes some of
whom I knew from high school, and pretty much spent all of my twenties doing
what people do for four years in dorms in colleges: coding with my roommate,
partying, self-analyzing, making mistakes, building and fucking up
relationships, developing various professional and social skills.

My advice is probably exactly what you'd expect a reasonable, more adult and
"mature" person on the internet whom you've never met say: don't do anything
drastic. Finish your college at home, maintain your GPA, see if you can maybe
land a job, local or remote, while you are still in school so that you have
some money ready to be at your disposal once you graduate. As soon as you
graduate, move your ass to a major city that is an epicenter of whatever your
career happens to be, and live in a cool neighborhood with lots of other
recent grads. Hopefully there will already be people you may know - maybe from
high school, maybe from college - this will be your starting point for a
social circle. Or if not - there's always meetup.com and okcupid.com

Good luck, and don't worry about missed opportunities. I've missed ten times
as many more opportunities in my twenties as I did during college. If I had
spent a lot of time thinking about all the things I missed out on in life, I'd
probably put a bullet into myself a long time ago.

~~~
AznHisoka
I went to NYU as well.. and actually commuted from Queens as well! (Did we go
to the same CS classes as well?!!)

When you graduate from college, it's a whole whole different ball game. Most
people lose touch with their friends from college, regardless of whether they
dormed or not. Everyone gets a job at a boring Corp. Everyone eventually stops
partying until 1 AM in the morning. Everyone eventually starts worrying about
paying the rent, and all the "adult" things... trust me, by the time you
graduated, everyone starts from Step 1.

Now go build a startup, so you can got an escape hatch after you graduate ^_^

~~~
YuriNiyazov
my email address is in my profile - email me, we'll chat.

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T-hawk
Do join a fraternity. I never thought of myself as the fraternity type, but
joined one in my third year of college too after a few friends did. Best
decision I ever made. 14 years later it's still a major part of my social
life, both with current students and alumni from all years from my class to
the present.

What a fraternity gives as opposed to clubs is the opportunity for
unstructured types of social interaction. A fraternity house is where you can
just hang out with whoever's around, rather than being always oriented on the
tasks and projects of a club.

I wasn't the same guy after college as after high school, a change almost
entirely induced by the fraternity. A Greek house is a fantastic opportunity
to learn open-ended leadership roles and break out of the task-assignment
structure of academia and business grunt work.

Whether commuting can work depends a lot on the particular fraternity, of
course. Mine has always had a fair few commuters. It's not quite the same as
living in the house, but with effort to show up and be around and involved,
commuters can get a pretty good experience as well. It's not too late to join.
The relationships and experience will stay with you after graduation.

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vortexh
Is it possible to rush spring semester? I think I missed out on rushing fall
this month. I guess my main concern is being hazed and dealing with all the
negative stories I've heard. Are there any fraternities you recommend?

~~~
T-hawk
My house is Alpha Sigma Phi and we're pretty strongly against hazing. But each
chapter of every fraternity at any school has its own personality. Do you know
anyone in any of the fraternities on your campus? Talk to them and see what
they think about Greek life.

I think most fraternities at most schools do rush for both fall and spring
semesters, though of course the particulars will vary.

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Q4273j3b
Have you considered that some of it is just mad cabin fever? Sounds like
you've been in the same house for at least 6 yrs. Why don't you take a term or
two off to work and travel, starting this Jan or next summer?

Let's suppose the equation is

(baseline commuter alienation)*(personal response factor) + (cabin fever) = ):

First term is difficult to change (moving on campus might not make financial
sense or that much of a difference if it's still your hometown); but dealing
with the second term can be super doable both logistically and financially.
Just make sure you have a structured plan of what to do, that you'll be around
other people, and that you have a fixed date & plan for coming back to
college. You're not dropping out, just ducking in and out really quick for
some air.

In addition, you might be surprised, 5 terms of college isn't necessarily too
late to transfer. It just depends on the target school in question and how the
credits work out.

Good luck, unknown internet buddy!

~~~
anishkothari
Great advice! I would highly recommend looking into study abroad, even if just
for a short time. It's a great experience if you can afford it - I made a lot
of friends through this. Alternative Spring Break or volunteering is another
good option.

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cprncus
I don't think you should mix "substantial change in personality from high
school" with "living on campus". There are probably millions of college
students who live on campus for four years and make very little change from
high school. And there are millions of commuters who do. And there are many
people who don't attend college at all who change. Etc. There is not one path
toward personal growth.

I'd say more than anything else, focus on _making real friends_ , and hit that
hard. It doesn't matter what the manner is that you encounter them; one of my
best friends from one era of my life I met because he got food at the job I
worked at. Others were from classes. Reach out to people whenever you can, and
see if you can take a genuine interest in them.

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throwaway1979
Ummm... no.

How much did you spend on accommodations? If you commuted, the answer should
be zero. In four years, someone who paid for a dorm racked up a 40K tab.

I commuted and yes, I did not have the "animal house" experience. I made up
for commuting by joining a lot of activities - archery, squash, karate, etc.
Met some fantastic people who weren't in CS - still in touch with some of
these folks a decade after school.

Key insight ... save every penny.

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TheSmoke
the thing is, being close to your college or work is that you have all that
time you're spending to yourself. if it takes 2 hours in total then you will
have 2 more hours for yourself in which you can learn something new or build
something good. this is why i relocate to a closer location when i have a new
job.

