
America: Land of Loners? - jamesbritt
http://www.wilsonquarterly.com/article.cfm?AID=1631
======
todayiamme
There is a paragraph in the essay which stood out to me;

>>>The irony is that straight men could learn a thing or two from their gay
brethren, as Andrew Sullivan implied in his insightful book on the AIDS
crisis, Love Undetectable: Notes on Friendship, Sex, and Survival (1998).
Often estranged from their natural families and barred from forming legally
acknowledged new ones of their own, gay men, Sullivan observed, learned to
rely not on the kindness of strangers but the loyalty of friends: “Insofar as
friendship was an incalculable strength of homosexuals during the calamity of
AIDS, it merely showed, I think, how great a loss is our culture’s general
underestimation of this central human virtue.”<<<

I've experienced that in my life. The closest people I have are people who
have no direct relation through blood with me. This was something really
counter-intuitive to me, because I grew up in a country where family is
supposed to be paramount, but I discovered that isn't so. I am willing to bet
that anyone who has had to deal with forced social isolation be it through
abuse, or homelessness will agree.

No one taught me that relationships are only as good as _the people_ who
compose it. Friendships don't magically happen. You have to work for them, and
the cost isn't just time but it is something deeper and more intrinsic to who
you are.

The smartest thing anyone could have ever said is that love is a verb. To love
someone involves making "sacrifices" at one level or the other for the sake of
the relationship, and most people are unwilling to do that. They don't realize
that you can't have your cake and eat it too.

I think that this is the reason why most people, not just in the USA, think
it's cool to be alone. They tend to desire instant results, which simply isn't
possible.

~~~
ahoyhere
Hear, hear. I'm an American and I get dirty looks when I mention that I don't
talk to my family - that I didn't invite my mother or brother to my wedding -
that I don't care about them. People don't believe it.

But the friends I've made -- once I got over my insularity and fear, and
decided to trust unless proven otherwise, to be a friend instead of hoping for
friends -- are my chosen family. They've treated me better than my family ever
did.

I know that if something happens tomorrow and I'm homeless, I have 20 people
who'd put me up, feed me, and take care of me until I could do it on my own.
And I'd do it for them, too.

And that's because of _effort_ and _willingness_ and _bravery_ and _love_ (the
verb), not accident of birth.

~~~
todayiamme
I know exactly what you mean. For some people their biological family is their
chosen family. For some of us it simply isn't. I don't think I will have any
contact whatsoever with my biological family after this year. It's not just
one sided, but they've made it pretty explicit to me.

On one level it's really hard to deal with, but on the other it has taught me
things in a small period of time which usually takes decades to settle in.
I've learnt how to sense emotions, and whether or not I can trust someone.
I've learnt the difference between anger and deep seated hatred. I've learnt
the difference between the storms that pass and an eternal jupiter-esque red
spot. I've learnt so much that I simply can't condense it into words, let
alone a comment.

No matter what I have gained though. I still wish that things weren't like
this. Everything has taken it's toll on me. The most direct result is that I
have deep seated insecurities and fears about things like rejection, failure
etc. The most worrying result is that a part of me, no most of me, is just old
and dead (the other part increasingly vanishing part is roughly 13). As
someone pointed out I am 18 and I talk like I am in my 30s & 40s. What worries
me is that I really can't remember the last time I had a genuinely happy day.
It's like I can't have fun. Everything from conversations to thoughts just
spiral down into that survival mode. I hate it, but it's almost a part of me
now and I can't imagine an existence without it.

So yeah life sucks, but at least I have a family that helps me to deal with
it. Does it truly matter what's in their veins?

P.S. - I can tell that you've been through a lot of pain yourself. Is there
any way I can help you to deal with it?

Take care.

~~~
ahoyhere
You sound a lot like me, 8 years ago. Except I hadn't given up on my family
yet. It took a lot of time and a lot of thinking to realize that they were
toxic, and I had to learn to love myself enough to stop subjecting myself to
their toxicity just for the sake of "family."

> P.S. - I can tell that you've been through a lot of pain yourself. Is there
> any way I can help you to deal with it?

That's such a sweet thing to offer. I'm good now, though - but maybe I can
help you.

It's hard to find people in person for talking about this stuff -- they don't
understand, or they're in it just like you, and can't help you OUT of it.

But what really changed my life was two books, and a third I read recently
that might help you too.

1\. When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. It's nontheistic buddhism, for
crises. Get the audio book. It's the next best thing to having a loving
parent. Listen with your heart, and do the meditations (including the lo jong
- no matter how crazy it sounds). You're probably cynical about this stuff -
because life has taught you to be cynical, but this is not something to be
cynical about. This book has made the biggest difference in my life - the
change you wouldn't believe.

I'm not a fruity religious type, or a touchy-feely new age type, but what I
learned from this book -- to not run away from my emotions, to not distract
myself, to embrace it, and go through the fear, and to have empathy for
everyone else (and, then, myself), to accept that reality is reality no matter
how much I might like it to be otherwise -- has been life-altering in the
biggest way possible.

If you met me today, you'd see an extremely positive, happy, confident person,
who is responsible for her own choices, and who doesn't let shit get to her --
because she knows who and what she is. That is the exact opposite of who you
would have seen 7 years ago. I can attribute that almost entirely to what's in
this book, and my practice of it.

2\. Toxic Parents. In case there was any doubt, this book will be your best
buddy telling you that you made the right choice, and it's okay.

3\. Drama of the Gifted Child. This one's a bit weird, but you know what? It's
good and true.

You don't have to stay the way you are now; you can be happy, and you can be
sad, but you will be able to be whole. Seriously. I'm proof.

~~~
todayiamme
>>>Except I hadn't given up on my family yet. It took a lot of time and a lot
of thinking to realize that they were toxic, and I had to learn to love myself
enough to stop subjecting myself to their toxicity just for the sake of
"family."<<<

I will continue to love them no matter what, but I still can't sustain contact
with them. I am intersexed and I want to live life as who I am, just another
girl. To them I am against god and I should not even exist. I've been called
names and stuff that I don't want to repeat. In a way I can understand why
they are like this. It's just socially unacceptable to be me, and their social
position matters a lot to them.

>>>It's hard to find people in person for talking about this stuff -- they
don't understand, or they're in it just like you, and can't help you OUT of
it.<<<

I know what you mean. I just want to be loved for who I am you know. I want to
be held, kissed and hugged. I just need to feel safe and secure. My real
father can't be there for me all the time as he has to work and we live apart.
So, I really feel guilty whenever I call on him.

I did figure out that I needed a lot of advice, though. So, I started
contacting people around me and I even emailed one of my heroes (he is simply
_awesome_ ). Now, I actually do have people I can talk to. No matter how far
apart we are. They're my family.

Can I ask a question though? How did you deal with the guilt? I got into
physically violent situations after I turned 16 and for a while I was the
aggressor, and I just can't deal with the thought that I hurt another human
being. It doesn't matter what they were doing. It's just unacceptable to me. I
should have been smart enough to just swallow it.

That guilt was overpowering for me back then it used to be the reason why I
didn't think I was good enough to exist. I can't count the number of times
I've tried to kill myself over it, but I couldn't do it since it would have
hurt my sister. The potency has evaporated, but that sense of guilt combined
with worthlessness still exists.

>>>But what really changed my life was two books, and a third I read recently
that might help you too.<<<

They sound quite interesting and awesome, but I can't buy them right now. Not
only I don't have a simple penny to my name. I also can't bring such stuff
into the house, or it will prompt a really, really bad outburst.

By the way, yeah, Drama of the Gifted Child is a bit weird and I doubt that I
will get much mileage out of it, since I don't think I am "gifted".

~~~
ahoyhere
The "Gifted" has nothing to do with intellect or aptitude, but kids who learn
from a very early age that their role is to fill their parents needs -- to
please/protect/take care of them, to hide what is wrong, to make excuses, to
say "they mean well."

That really opened my eyes to a few things. For one, she talked about little
children who were so hurt that they shut off all emotion - "little stone
children" - and that was me, until the crisis that broke me open so badly that
I was able to listen to the message in When Things Fall Apart.

As for the guilt… I had tremendous amounts of guilt. My mother used to beat
me, and when I got big enough, I started to hit back. She became really
mentally ill as I grew up, because she always chose to be a victim, and though
she was still mean and abusive, she was also weak and helpless -- so naturally
I hated myself for my lack of control as much as I hated her for abusing me. I
moved out at 15 and change because I was quite sure I'd either kill her, or
myself.

I also hurt (emotionally) other people when I was growing up because I was so
torn and broken, and that tortured me for years.

The only thing that helped me was When Things Fall Apart.

In short, the lesson is this: Learn to practice compassion for every person.
To be human is to be deeply flawed. Everyone is deeply flawed - and so
everyone deserves a shot at redemption, or at least forgiveness. Forgiveness
doesn't only help the person forgived -- that almost doesn't matter, but it
helps the person doing the forgiving. Forgiveness also doesn't mean you let
them hurt you more, but that you recognize that they are weak, scared, flawed,
and hurting, no matter how horrible their exterior is... and that's really the
default state of humanity.

If you realize that about other people… and you practice compassion and
forgiveness for them… then you realize that you, too, are only human, deeply
flawed, and worthy of redemption and forgiveness. Then you practice compassion
and forgiveness for yourself.

Here's an excerpt from When Things Fall Apart, one that particularly struck a
chord with me - one I will never forget:

 _It's as if you just looked at yourself in the mirror, and you saw a gorilla.
The mirror's there; it's showing "you", and what you see looks bad. You try to
angle the mirror so you will look a little better, but no matter what you do,
you still look like a gorilla. That's being nailed by life, the place where
you have no choice except to embrace what's happening or push it away._

That is the essence of lovingkindness meditation. And it really, honestly,
works. I can admit now all the bad things I've done… it still hurts a little,
but it's nothing like the overpowering guilt, shame and self-hatred I felt for
myself before. I can talk about it in public, like here, and stand tall, even
though I know people will judge me and hate me for it.

I'm sorry your living situation is so tenuous.

Please email me at amy @ slash7 com and I'll send you the MP3s of the Pema
Chodron book. Nobody has to know you have them. And I'm sure Pema Chodron
herself would approve of me sending them to you.

------
hbt
Loners are not necessarily lonely people. Perhaps it was only my impression
reading the article, but in some sections, the author tends to confuse
"loneliness" and "solitude".

True loners are people "suffering" from schizoid personality disorders.

<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder>

I should use the term "suffering" carefully because true loners actually enjoy
being alone, they admire self-reliance and feel stronger by not _needing_
others.

The beauty of modern society is how easy it is to isolate yourself from others
and live like a king -- compared to hundreds of years ago, where people were
needed to get the little things in life.

About _meaningful_ friendship: The Internet and the ability to travel (if
needed) helps you experience the third flavor (shared pursuit of virtue)
without being limited by a physical location, face to face communication and
simply helps you find like-minded people.

~~~
ahoyhere
I know lots of loners who want friends but have none, because of fear and a
lack of drive, not a personality disorder.

~~~
MartinCron
You know them, but are you friends with them?

~~~
ahoyhere
A few, who are charming but socially afraid. (Depending on your outlook, I am
either supremely approachable, or outright terrifying - because I am both loud
and friendly.)

The ones who have absolutely no social skills, no. But they feel very
different in their lack of social skills than a person who has a genuine
mental problem. It's like, they've gotten so long by decrying it, that now
it'd be a big blow to their ego to do something as stupid and minor as read a
book on social skills. You can see in their eyes that they're hurting from
being alone, though.

I've also met lots of loners who probably do "have something wrong with them",
who are wrong in a scary fashion. They certainly exist - it's a symptom. But
many who have the symptom don't have the disease.

------
rdtsc
I think a lot of us (at least who were born before the 90s) had these
friendships as kids if their family didn't move much.

I had a only a couple of good friends, but I had them for 10+ years. We'd stay
at each other houses, spend time with each other's families. Play, watch
movies, get into fights, goof around and so on.

Then eventually, as girlfriends came around, as we went to different
universities, different countries, it was hard to keep the same level of
friendship. First they become just "acquaintances", then sadly, they become
strangers...

The point being, I think a lot of us know what the article means, it is just
that we failed to hang on to it.

In America people just move more. It is hard to foster good friendships
without face contact. Don't matter what the resolution of your Skype video, it
is just not the same.

So, we are stuck. We'll end up spending more time on HN, playing Warcraft,
working.

Another sensitive issue is that a higher proportion of HN-ers are probably
introverts. Nothing wrong with that. I am one too. That means it is easier by
default to be lonely. But in the long run it also hurts.

~~~
dkarl
It's a lot harder to make new friends when you're older, too. Most of the
people I meet don't really have time to make new friends; they barely keep
their old friends in maintenance mode, getting together with them every couple
of months for some ancient ritual they've always done together, such as golf.
You have lunch or drinks with somebody once a week, and you're _in_. You know,
that's a pretty high level of recognition from them. But it's futile; it's
going to take you two years to get to know them at that rate.

~~~
dkarl
As if to make my point, an old friend of mine announced his birthday plans
today. He's going to a water park (for his stepdaughter) and a bed and
breakfast (for his wife.) The rest of us? Nothing. No party, no dinner and
drinks, nothing. He's living in a new city and has nobody close by except
family, but he's got friends wanting to come from out of town to see him. One
is me; another is our best friend from high school, whom he hasn't seen in
over a year. So, maybe some other weekend, he says. Fuck that; I know that
song. It'll never happen. I'd write him off as an asshole and a lost cause if
that wasn't typical for the married guys I know. Should I even bother with
"friends" like that, or should I forget about him and call him again when his
kids are out of the house?

------
metamemetics
Is this really more of a severe problem in America than in South Korea or
Japan? How important is population density factor into ones loneliness? Yes
the US is large, Some googling on Urban Alienation turned this up though, food
for though: <http://nymag.com/news/features/52450/>

I really think the main culprit of American Loneliness is piss-poor urban
planning. There are so many areas of urban sprawl where instead of putting the
store fronts directly on the side-walk and having communal parking garages
behind the stores, each store or public place gets its own half-mile of desert
pavement between the sidewalk and the destination, with a patchwork of green
barricades thrown in for good measure.

Small shops can't stay in business because there is no foot-traffic to support
them. There is no ambient sense of community because it is a generic pavement
desert for cars rather than a community for humans. You can't discover places
in these communities, the store has to be gigantic and you make a conscious
decision

Living in a city with zero urban planning is like living in no city at all ->
no community -> no feeling of belonging.

If everyone simply told their city council to approve no more building permits
unless the store-front was on the sidewalk American Lonliness would be solved.
Otherwise of course we will be lonely, because we aren't even living in real
cities meant to be used by people.

------
julius_geezer
Ah, yes, the American soul according to D.H. Lawrence: cold, stoic, isolate, a
killer. (That would be Natty Bumpo.)

I find this sort of piece unhelpful. It is full of generalities that seem more
or less plausible, yet which can't be verified or refuted.

------
toxicflavor
Unfortunately this is not a uniquely American problem. I think you can easily
extrapolate this to at least most of the developed economies.

~~~
owkaye
Maybe so. I've lived in the Philippines and it's not a developed country so
this isolation problem is not much of an issue there (yet). But their culture
is becoming more and more 'American' and gradually losing the closeness of
friends and family and I'm afraid of what it's going to be like years in the
future. I hope it doesn't become another USA but it very well could, or even
worse.

------
lzw
I think this article is really all about how we should subborn our
individualism to the rule of the collective than about the question of
friendships.

Reality is, the loners and the individualists have friendships, and so they
aren't really alone.

But they are not collectivists, and therefore they must be portrayed as having
some sort of defect.

You see this in every collectivist society.... as no form of socialism can
survive if the people recognize it for what it is and resist.

~~~
philwelch
Not _everything_ can be reduced to an Ayn Rand novel.

------
pfifth
+1 if you're lonely.

------
dennisgorelik
We are moving into virtual world (Internet, TV, etc.) there is simply not much
need for physical interaction.

