
Ask HN: Emotion hacks? How do you work despite crummy love/life things going on? - m_
Have you had slow-to-resolve real life problems that made it emotionally difficult to focus on your job, startup, or coding?<p>What techniques did you find to make it easier to focus despite the problems? (e.g. looming divorce, girlfriend breaking-up, death in the family, loss of great friends, etc.)<p>Obviously it's important to deal with those things in your own full way to heal/resolve them, but the practical matter is that you've got to get some things done during that process, too. What tricks do you use?
======
ashishk
I try to take care of myself in fundamental ways. Like eating well,
exercising, and sleeping on time.

I've found having control of basic things provides a deep sense of security.

~~~
symstym
I second this. I can't relate the the part about a sense of security, but I've
found that it's very important to "take care of myself", in whatever form. For
me that often means cleaning my apartment, taking care of business I've been
procrastinating on, etc. Those are concrete, actionable tasks that are
guaranteed to make me feel better, even if only a little bit. At work, I
similarly try to focus on specific small tasks if possible, to keep my mind
off of things.

~~~
jsolson
100% agreement on cleaning my apartment. I find this is the single most useful
thing I can do in terms of my day-to-day emotional health.

~~~
PStamatiou
Definitely! I feel more productive when there is less clutter in my real life
as such clutter seems to translate to mental clutter for me. That's why when
PG wrote his essay a while back called Stuff (i think?), and I was in the
middle of moving, I chunked/sold/gave away a lot of the stuff I hadn't touched
in a while. Unfortunately I moved to a larger place so I had to buy more stuff
to fill it up, sigh.

------
b0k0n0n
What a coincidence—I'm going through this right now. The night my boyfriend
broke up with me (two days ago) I differentiated equations until 4 a.m. Now
I'm working on inductive logic and doing my best to stay off of e-mail and
facebook.

I use other outlets such as reading and exercising, but I've found
mathematics' abstraction to be the most helpful. Reading books brings up
motifs and messages and content that calls certain memories to mind; diving
into math allows transcendence.

~~~
darkxanthos
I would give my left nut for a woman who understands half of what you just
said. Rebound? ;)

EDIT: (BTW that's also to say some guys just don't know what they've got till
they don't. You'll land on your feet, you'll see.)

~~~
sutro
Friendly tip: when picking someone up, don't lead with your left (or right)
testicle. If things go well, those can be introduced at a later time.

~~~
darkxanthos
Don't hate the player vato! Also a friendly tip for you: If you do find
yourself leading in with a reference to a left or right nut do NOT call it
your left or right testicle.

WAY too detailed a picture.

------
gtani
You need to communicate your situation to family/friends, make yourself not
feel isolated. Many people feeling anxiety and depression think they're the
only ones they know, whereas many people are vulnerable. And when i see people
prone to chemical dependencies or extreme behaviors, i urge them to seek
counseling.

One thing that helps me is multiple 5-15 minute exercise breaks over the day.
You can walk up a hill or a couple flights of stairs or do yoga poses or
pilates things.

~~~
ljlolel
I agree 100%. Ubuntu has a program built into gnome that forces you to take
breaks.

Go to Keyboard preferences > Typing Break. I set it to 10 minutes of work / 5
minute break. I can focus more, take short breaks to get things done (eat,
brush my teeth, clean), and get more done than I do if I just stare at a
screen for an hour straight.

~~~
HalcyonMuse
Wow, that typing break thing sounds really cool! Does anyone know if there's a
similar application or system preference for OS X?

~~~
paulbaumgart
AntiRSI: <http://tech.inhelsinki.nl/antirsi/>

------
mechanical_fish
A tough one. The one time I remember having a problem like this, I wasn't
exactly tasked with doing programming at work. So I solved my problem by
turning to hacking! I did nothing but Perl for weeks. A rather productive time
of my life, actually. Fortunately my boss was very pleased with all the code I
wrote.

Try this: Change your work environment. Move to a different office. Work at
the library or the coffeeshop. This is normally not a good thing for your
productivity -- what you generally want to do is establish productive habits,
and encourage them by keeping your environment consistent and allowing it to
cue those habits. But being surrounded by familiar things might be distracting
at a time when they tend to dredge up feelings of unhappiness.

There was a time when simply walking down a particular street would fill me
with dread. Emotions are cued to places. Fortunately I'm much better now.

This may be why we're always telling people who are feeling burnt out to take
a vacation and travel somewhere.

------
kirubakaran
Thank you for asking this question, especially at this time. Responses of
other people are a lot helpful for me as well.

 _Sharing how I deal with similar situations:_

I go out and try to stay out as much as possible. Working in a coffee shop
gives the illusion that you are not alone. I also cook elaborate dinner
involving pasta, sit down with a glass of wine and watch a movie as a picker-
upper. But of late I've been using this trick a lot and it has fast hit
diminishing returns. Perhaps I should use exercise as a pick-me-up.

The problem with being down is, you will be even less inclined to do the
things that are most likely to help you get better.

Sometimes I reread Jerome K. Jerome. Brings back childhood to some extent and
some giggles. Douglas Adams too. Or I re-purpose librivox.org as my bed time
story teller. Mostly I hang out here [HN]. Then I refresh my log... people
using your app can cheer you up. Learning something new helps too.

~~~
HalcyonMuse
escapepod.org is another great "read-to-me" site. It's not full-length books;
it's sci-fi short stories instead. In my opinion, it's much harder to write a
good short story than a good novel.

EscapePod is also great for the commute to work, road trips across the
country, and exercising (if you have a routine, anyway).

It rarely fails to keep my spirits up. (Even the sad stories are pretty
cathartic.)

------
jackdawjack
Working hard helps, but if your job is anything like mine (grad student)
inevitably work can be quite an emotional/mental challenge in and of itself
which may or may not help. So i tend to turn to exercise, running hard with
music is akin to meditation for me, the physical pain forces everything else
out of my head. At the end of a good workout i'm buzzed from the endorphins
and often i find that i've unconsciously/subconsciously come to some useful
realisation. Personally at least i think my unconscious (if that's a thing)
deals with problems far more effectively than my voluntary thought processes.
it just needs some peace to get on with it

------
wenbert
For me, I would run to friends and family. I am a Catholic (like most
Filipinos are) so if all hell breaks loose, I pray. ;-)

My dad died a few years ago, right about the time I was starting to hack
things myself. Personally, what got me through was friends, family and
religion. Just sayin'...

------
gcv
Take up a (slightly) risky sport. I was getting into rock climbing a few years
ago (gave up for logistical reasons), and I can just about guarantee that when
you're on a route, with your forearms burning and no obvious next move, that
your troubles fade into insignificance.

~~~
darkxanthos
Agreed on the rock climbing. It's a great hacker sport. Much more intellectual
than I thought it would be.

------
b-man
Did you ever tried meditation (I recommend zen style sitting, aka zazen)?

There is some nice, simple and to the point books about it, and for me it is
something that really helps with concentration, sadness and focus.

list of good books

[http://www.amazon.com/Zen-Training-Philosophy-Shambhala-
Clas...](http://www.amazon.com/Zen-Training-Philosophy-Shambhala-
Classics/dp/1590302834/ref=wl_it_dp?ie=UTF8&coliid=I3FY108X8ZZK58&colid=25BYFGJI3WTE5)

[http://www.amazon.com/Zen-Brain-Understanding-Meditation-
Con...](http://www.amazon.com/Zen-Brain-Understanding-Meditation-
Consciousness/dp/0262511096/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1243959352&sr=8-1)

[http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Plain-English-Updated-
Expa...](http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Plain-English-Updated-
Expanded/dp/0861713214/ref=wl_it_dp?ie=UTF8&coliid=I1063BGC6QHICC&colid=25BYFGJI3WTE5)

------
drawkbox
Music while coding, westerns/zombie/scifi epic movies while doing smaller
tedious tasks, get some gaming in maybe some L4D (important to have fun on
your workstation).

Also, be sure to setup and knock down many tasks and todos that feel complete,
smaller tasks for quick accomplishment. Game design your projects.

This applies to all slow downs, could even just be related to a long project
or a moment you might not feel as hopeful.

Also get outside a bit and be cool to yourself, it is pretty much just you for
the long haul anyways.

------
sid
It really depends on your problem and the situation your in. Sometimes you
cant, there are some nagging problems that can not be left and should not be
ignored. I guess these things are more along the side of family and health
(for me anyway).

You shouldnt start a startup if you have to address family or serious health
problems with you or anyone close because they need your full attention.

However for any other problem, girlfriend issues, money problems, loss of
friends, yes they are hard but can be overcome with strong will. It depends on
your priority, i value family and health over anything else so i can choose to
ignore the others if i need to focus.

Im really close to finishing my startup now after about a solid 1 year of un
relenting work, curve balls and problems, with day job, with startup and other
things personal. During the last year i could probably say that i faced 3
problems that were quite difficult to ignore however they did not directly
concern my health and not directly my family (god bless) so i keep going.

There are 24 hours in the day and you just need to tell yourself that after 3
hours of getting angry or wollowing or whatever you do, it gets you no where,
but 3 hours of work gets you a step closer to how you see yourself in the
future which can also be something you value.

You can even trick yourself into thinking that where you see yourself in the
future is a future you without some of the problems you may be having now. The
approach i guess is to take a completly robotic and logical approach and kind
of dehumanize some aspects that arent that important cause if you let
everything get to you then you wont get anything done, not even the basic day
to day things.

The side effect of this is if you dont make it (even though you poured
everything in) you need to be ready so you get into a state of depression.

Its all about iron will , specially when life throws you curve balls. Good
thing is, if you get through it, you will become a much stronger person.

Having said that, take time off once in a while cause even though i take a
robotic approach (as sometimes its the only way) im not a robot :)

------
kareemm
sleep. exercise. eat healthily. spent time with great friends.

most importantly, put time aside to spend dealing with the emotions that come
up. don't bottle them up. they will be expressed in destructive ways when you
least expect it.

see a therapist if necessary; having someone help you get through growth
roadblocks is the best money you will ever spend.

realize that whatever you're dealing with will eventually pass, despite being
difficult to deal with now.

and know that there are no hacks for emotions. difficult times need to run
their course and the best way to cope is to process your emotions.

good luck and know that we've all been there... dealing with difficult issues
is a more challenging part of the human experience, but it also presents great
opportunities for growth.

~~~
byrneseyeview
_most importantly, put time aside to spend dealing with the emotions that come
up. don't bottle them up. they will be expressed in destructive ways when you
least expect it._

Does this really happen? If you spend much time with military veterans, you
notice that they have way more self-control than the average person, even
though they've also been through more than the average person. Is this because
the military attracts very emotionally controlled people, or because
exercising such control strengthens it?

~~~
philwelch
Anecdotal evidence here, but while they seem self-controlled--and are very
disciplined--a lot of them also have unresolved anger issues.

~~~
byrneseyeview
_unresolved anger issues._

Is there any way to distinguish those from "Not being as psychologically
damaged as I'd like."?

~~~
philwelch
You think I'd _like_ anyone I care about to be psychologically damaged just
for the sake of some damned theory you think I'm invested in? What kind of an
asshole do you think I am?

I'm not going to get into personal business in public, especially not under my
real name. Suffice it to say that I've known someone very closely who probably
could have dealt with his feelings better than repressing them.

Of course, denial is a form of repression, so he'd probably agree with you
that he wasn't that badly affected. And some people _aren't_ badly affected by
things (though personally, I've found that personal trauma in my life does
tend to upset my emotional balance in unpredictable ways).

------
neilk
Slightly tangential, but I had this thought the other day. In our industry,
shutting oneself into a room with a computer and being alone with our own
thoughts is considered functional and praiseworthy. I think a lot of my most
productive colleagues deal with almost everything in life by diving deep down
in this mode. Is this really a good thing?

~~~
HalcyonMuse
So long as one has options, I think it's okay. A few years ago, I was at the
point where I was going into this "deep down" mode daily because social
interaction just wasn't very accessible to me, and I got pretty depressed.

I've read recently about extreme social deprivation (like solitary in prison)
and I've begun to wonder a bit about similarities.

------
rjurney
I've always channeled my emotions during times like that into workaholism. It
may not be the healthiest way to address problems, but at least you get output
from your angst :)

Just be aware: you'll have to deal with the emotions directly sometime.

------
lisper
Focus on the positive: are you healthy? Have enough to eat? Have hot and cold
running water? A roof over your head? Air conditioning? Those thing alone make
you better off than most of the people on the planet.

------
zimbabwe
I blogged. I had a pretty big readership (three hundred or so followers on
Tumblr, not sure how many followed on RSS), and I wrote a lot about how I felt
and what I was going through.

The conversations I had with my readers led to a lot of self-growth and peace.
I grew up a lot writing about the experience. There were also some moments of
personal vindication: After writing about a particularly assed argument with
her re:music, I got a message from somebody who works on a major music site
that vindicated my point of view a little. (I'll also say right now how
astounded I am that the people I was reading stories about at fifteen I get to
talk to and attend events with at eighteen.)

~~~
PStamatiou
I'm on tumblr too, hit me up (profile). :-)

------
jherdman
Sometimes I arrange to have an outlet. During my last break up I called my mom
a lot when I absolutely couldn't focus. I talked to her for 5 or so minutes on
my break to vent a bit. I found that after a little bit of releasing the
mental pressure I was able to focus again.

That said, when you go home, you need to get your shit together. Make lists of
"need to do"s and "want to do"s, and tackle them. Keeping busy is the key.
Before you know, you'll be back to your awesome self.

------
vaksel
Learn to cope faster. You can't change the past, so there is no reason to
dwell on coulda/shoulda. Cut your losses, learn from the experience and move
on with your life.

------
danielrhodes
Having a routine/schedule/structure in your life should help with mitigating
such issues. Obviously you're not going to be at 100%, but setting up your
life so it isn't a house of cards is very important.

------
rickdangerous1
Depending on the severity of what you're dealing with, work can be a refuge
from life problems. It sure was for me when I was going through hell a couple
of years ago. After I'd have a guts full of sitting around hospital waiting
rooms feeling emo for a month, i just got to the point where i had to work. I
sent an email to my colleagues saying "I'm coming to work tomorrow, don't talk
to me about my stuff - i just need to work". And working was the only respite
I could find.

------
tetha
Being a pretty rational person, for me it always helps to focus on emotions
and understand what the source of this emotion is, Why do I feel this? What is
the reason? Does it make sense? Once you grok why your soul tells you things,
you can react to them in appropiate ways, because you know the deep reason
behind it.

This has helped me a lot with the fear of doing mistakes during development,
because I understood that I hesitate to develop things, because often, I just
lost interest. Since I understood this, I looked around for lightweight
direction management and found something and use it. And even more, whenever
this fear of mistakes crops up again, I usually can recognize the pattern
(simply stopping to program, not beginning to type with some vi open, getting
tired) and re-reason why this is not entirely true.

This has helped me to overcome some long growing dislike of completely dark
areas, as there was always the fear of some danger jumping at one from the
darkness. Understanding that usually nothing will be there and furthermore,
beginning to train martial arts has helped with this (training MA does help a
lot with respect to confidence)

This has and is helping me a lot understanding why I have problems at
interacting with groups of people. It appears that I fear rejection very much,
and thus, I usually want to see a persons reaction precisely whenever I
interact with them. In a group of people with more then 3 persons, this just
does not work, as it is just too much information to cope. I am working on
this, though.

So, overall, I would say that meditating about ones feelings and the reasons
why those feelings occur is good way to understand the feelings and the
underlying problem, and given that, one will find how to handle this feeling
and how to get this feeling out of the way for your daily work (or, you will
understand that it is impossible to get out of the way. Talk with your boss
then, and hope he will understand your reasoning).

------
matthardcastle
I keep work and my personal life very much separate. Not just when I'm having
a hard time in my personal life but also when it's going good. This lets work
almost be a sanctuary. When I'm there nothing matter but getting the job done.

It's not easy, but if you are able to develop that separation you can almost
shut off your personal problems at will.

------
effektz
I'd say find a creative outlet, if that's hacking then so be it, but if it's
writing or painting or just drawing for a couple of hours it can help to get
things off your chest and clear your mind. That way when you're ready to work
your mind won't be as distracted with these other problems.

------
erichsu
Work on computer problems to break out of melancholy. In my experience, many
such issues have a specific solution arc. One tries different things to fix
the issue and same error, same error, same error... then DIFFERENT error. Then
suddenly it works.

Example. I was very depressed over a relationship ending, and had been for a
few months. Then I was was trying to get a Linux server working and trying to
get the Ethernet card recognized (this was 1999 so this was non-trivial) and
failed, failed, failed... NEW failure, WORKING! Wow, that shock victory was
enough to snap me out of the depression, where gradual victories had not.

Good luck though, and be sure to eat well and talk to others...

------
mbenjaminsmith
Maybe a little trite but I always try to look at the larger picture. I've
traveled quite a bit so I often think about the poorest people I've
encountered, for example, in India and the life that they live day to day. I
figure any day I have food in my stomach and a computer on my lap is a good
one.

------
indu
I work for a non profit whose purpose I believe. It adds an element of
fulfillment and influence to my work that I otherwise find absent. (keep in
mind professionally I'm a low level worker, while in the non-profit I am
exclusively an executive or administrator)

------
neuromanta
Meditation... trying to "process" the problem, inside. Take the time, to think
about it, examine your feelings, analyze yourself. And then, when you work,
don't think about it, not even for a moment.

------
mike463
Did anyone answer the question? You can do lots of things to distract yourself
while away from work, but I think the question is more -- what can you do to
remain engaged WHILE WORKING?

------
thras
Cocaine and hookers.

~~~
Devilboy
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but
they've always worked for me."

\-- Hunter S. Thompson

------
keithb_b
Amazing. In the adult world our "job" is part of our "real life".

Here's the thing: you don't live in the Matrix, this isn't a game and there
are no "tricks", there are no "hacks". There are two things you need to do—get
on with it, and get over it.

Some of the things mentioned elsewhere (like good diet, exercise, and getting
out of the house) will help you do both of those, but it will still be a slow
and painful process. There are no shortcuts. While that's going on what adults
do, is do their work.

