

Life, Love, Loss, and Time: A Cautionary Tale - chasingsparks
http://pathdependent.com/articles/life_love_loss_and_time

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chasingsparks
This is my response to the blog post that I wrote, Mortality and Dating
(<http://pathdependent.com/articles/mortality-and-dating>). It was oddly
popular on HN, so I'm submitting the follow up. Although the situation is not
very common, I think a lot of people on here make the same mistakes for
different reasons.

------
Mz
My experience with a life-threatening medical condition and "love" was very
different from yours. I went through a period where I allowed men into my life
that I normally wouldn't have given the time of day to because I had no idea
how long I would live. I lowered my standards and it caused me to get to know
people I wouldn't have otherwise known. Those relationships eventually fell by
the wayside but not without first opening my eyes, my mind and my heart. I'm
currently alone and I do plan on getting myself adequately healthy first
before I will pursue physical intimacy (for me, it is the only sane thing as
my medical situation is different from yours) but I am not rejecting of love.
I suppose I won't quite know what to do when the time comes, for quite a lot
of reasons, but I'm not terribly worried about it. I'm also okay with being
alone if that is the only way to stay healthy but I'm not convinced that will
always be true.

Peace and best wishes.

~~~
chasingsparks
Yea. I don't see anything wrong with being alone when the right person is not
there. Settling is not better than being alone. What I did was worse than
that. I had something great and turned my back on it.

~~~
Mz
I'm sorry for your pain about what you have done. I am not inclined to judge
such things in terms of "good" or "bad". I'm sorry you seem to have so much
difficulty accepting love. Given your history prior to your diagnosis -- of
not dating in high school and then screwing around casually in college -- I am
inclined to think that your medical condition is just another excuse for your
inability to accept love and not the real reason. Inability to accept love
seems to have preceded your diagnosis, not followed it.

I have a form of cystic fibrosis. On CF forums, people sometimes discuss being
alone, feeling like no one would love them, feeling like they would be wrong
to get involved because they could die on someone and so on. I got married at
age 19 and wasn't diagnosed until I was 35. So I had no such excuses. My
reasons for feeling unlovable when I was younger were rooted in sexual abuse.
But an awful lot of people seem to have some reason or other for feeling
unlovable -- even people who marry and may appear to the outside world like
they have their act together. I was married for about 22 years. It was never a
happy marriage and would have ended much sooner had I not turned up
unexpectedly pregnant at age 21. We loved each other (ie were "in love" at one
time and continued to sincerely care) but had terrible communication problems
and other issues. We divorced as a final kindness, as the only nice thing we
could still do for each other.

Something I always told my sons: No one can "deserve" unconditional love. If
you could deserve it, it wouldn't be unconditional. We can only try to accept
it should it come into our lives.

Nearly dying taught me to live. And getting a diagnosis empowered me to get
myself healthier and finally start getting my life together after a lifetime
of frustration and bafflement. For me, being celibate is a practical matter
while I heal from decades of infection and inadequate care. Because that is my
main reason for being alone, it has been experienced from very differently
than what I expected/feared for most of my life. For me, it has been freeing,
healing and empowering. If I could wave a magic wand and give you piece of
that, I would.

Peace.

