
What If We Admitted to Children That Sex Is About Pleasure? - jseliger
http://www.psmag.com/navigation/health-and-behavior/admitted-children-sex-primarily-pleasure-81691/
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LyndsySimon
Sex is just like any other politically-charged topic. I'll answer any question
my daughter has, but I also make sure she knows that other people don't treat
it the same as we do, and that she probably shouldn't talk about it with
people outside our family until she's a little older and aware of how other
people perceive the world.

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ChuckFrank
But it's not just about pleasure. It's about love, and intimacy, and it's
about maturity and self respect. It's about procreation and biology. I agree
that we should stop talking about it just as mechanics. I never have. But it's
about much more than pleasure, and kids are surprisingly mature enough to
understand that if you give them the chance.

The best piece of advice that I read was to encourage children to wait to have
sex until the time that their bodies had finished growing. Then, when their
bodies are full grown, they can have safe and protected sex.

I think this is the discussion that we should be having - in schools, in
churches, and at home.

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mercer
I'm (honestly) curious how exactly you'd defined 'finished growing'. Because
from my perspective that is anywhere between 'physically capable of having and
enjoying sex' and 'hormonal balance and a mostly-developed mind'. Which could
be anywhere between twelve and twenty-something.

In my social circles many people started having sex around the age of fifteen,
but some didn't have sex until their early twenties. I wasn't particularly
interested in girls until my late teens, but I started exploring my sexuality
at the age of eight.

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ChuckFrank
I think the self-empowerment component of the concept is potentially the most
compelling part of the suggestion. Though like you say, it may vary
tremendously between individuals. Still it's a good starting point for
discussion - when do we stop growing?

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Zelphyr
I was going to say that I'm going to read this every day until its time to
talk to my kids about sex. Then I realized; that time is probably now.

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ChuckMcM
It will be interesting to see how her son turns out. I would worry that he
would start telling some friend about how sex was all about being fun without
knowing that the person was being abused by a step parent. Or figure out that
sometimes his penis wanted to have sex with people who really weren't in the
same state of mind. It isn't just about understanding the mechanics, its
understanding that sex is wired into your brain in a place that isn't entirely
rational, and because of that, and because of the re-wiring that goes on
during puberty, acting on incomplete information can get you into difficult
situations.

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LyndsySimon
> acting on incomplete information can get you into difficult situations.

Isn't that a strong argument to be open and honest when discussing it?

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ChuckMcM
Yes, but you can't control how open and honest all conversations can be. In
the article her son has clearly engaged with everyone like he engages with his
mother, and that has been surprising to some folks, and it will be damaging to
some folks if he keeps it up. What is worse is he won't understand the damage
initially.

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LyndsySimon
No, I can't control those conversations. I also don't see it as reasonable to
limit my child's knowledge on a subject merely because someone else might make
an opposing decision and take offense.

Kids are going to be frank when talking about any topic amongst themselves. I
would rather my child be overheard telling a peer about how babies are made
and how STDs are passed, than have her believe that douching with Coca-Cola
after sex will prevent pregnancy.

I also strongly disagree that speaking truth in such discussions can ever be
"damaging". Can you provide an example?

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wyager
There are two things that can almost completely subvert the rational
capabilities of your average human; sex, and children. The effect compounds
when those two topics come up at the same time.

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notdonspaulding
From the article:

    
    
        The mate explained that adults stupidly think that if you 
        tell children the truth about sex, they’ll have sex 
        earlier than they really should. He added that the 
        evidence indicates otherwise.
    

Evidence? Hopefully "the mate" had some data to back up his claims. Even so,
surely the evidence must only apply to people who agree on what "the truth
about sex" is, and how "early they really should" have sex.

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michaelsbradley
Sex is about but pleasure, but also so much more. See John Paul II's _Theology
of the Body_ :

[http://www.ewtn.com/library/papaldoc/jp2tbind.htm](http://www.ewtn.com/library/papaldoc/jp2tbind.htm)

Yes, this information should be lovingly and patiently shared with young
persons, even (and especially) when it challenges us as adults and requires us
to grow in maturity and understanding.

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carsongross
“The first two facts which a healthy boy or girl feels about sex are these:
first that it is beautiful and then that it is dangerous.” --GCK

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ars
If you tell kids something they want to try it.

So tell them this if you are OK with them trying it, if not then don't.

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LyndsySimon
Following your premise, you should also not tell children that driving a car
recklessly can harm them, or that firearms are dangerous if improperly
handled, or that the stovetop can burn them, or that they should look ways
before crossing the street...

Seriously. Tell your children about the positive and negative consequences of
actions, sex included. Obviously it's pleasurable. Obviously it's procreative.
It's also emotionally dangerous to have sex with someone for whom you don't
have a solid relationship, because human beings are wired so that the act of
sex creates strongly emotional attachment to your partner.

I see my job as a parent to prepare my children to be an adult. Adults make
decisions about risky behaviors, and I want to do everything possible to make
sure my children have the knowledge necessary to make good decisions when the
time comes - no matter what the topic is.

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ars
Your comparisons are about telling kids certain things are bad, but the
premise in this article is about telling kids it's good.

It's not a valid comparison.

You then compromised by saying to tell them the bad things, but that's not
what the article says.

And BTW telling them "emotionally dangerous" is impossible - they just won't
get it.

> I see my job as a parent to prepare my children to be an adult.

Certainly, but there is no need to tell them about it early, as the kid in the
article was. Wait until this is something they physically are able to do, then
tell them honestly.

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mercer
I'd disagree. I, and others I've talked to, started being intensely curious
about sex at the age of eight, well before I could reproduce. I'm very happy
that my parents raised me in such a way that I felt comfortable asking about
sex early on, and having them tell me about the good (and the bad) of sex.

