
I'm building a takeout service for dogs - tonyrice
https://ramblings.tonyrice.me/2018/01/13/takeout-for-dogs/
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NicoJuicy
You should have launched an ico for this. At least that would bring in some
money

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tonyrice
That thought did come to my mind. It may not be too late. I wonder if Foodcoin
is a thing?

Edit:

Now that I think about it, you're definitely on to something. Foodcoin is a
thing... but then again takeout for pets will be too :D

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everyone
I assuming this is a parody?

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tonyrice
Nope. Wild right?

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everyone
It _really_ looks like one..

1\. Theres zero information on that page. You never even hint at what is
deficient in normal dog food, or what is the benefit of your proposed food, or
even what it is. Instead there is a profusion of upbeat yet wholly
insubstantial buzzwords and phrases.

2\. A very large proportion of the text is in bold for emphasis, giving it
that humorous 'crazy person' look.

3\. The very concept seems like a parody of the ridiculous 'Juicero'-like
silicon valley startup. A proposal that could only be taken seriously in that
bizarre, rarefied, and plutocratic environment.

Honestly it ticks all the boxes for a parody. It wouldnt seem out of place on
'clickhole' or 'something awful'

ps. I'm not trying to shit on your idea at all. I genuinely thought it was a
parody and the above points explain how I got that impression.

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tonyrice
You should have seen it when I first created the campaign. I wasn't going for
a parody look but I am trying to go for a more "less-serious and goofy"
approach. I do realize that I'm using too much bold emphasis. I'm not fully
sure why.

On a more serious note, your advice is definitely useful to me. I am going to
try to brush up on the delivery and make it look less like a parody.

This is also the first time I'm hearing of Juicero. Definitely rough
happenings.

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everyone
I am not experienced with startups and funding. I am experienced in 'selling'
my ideas to clients or executives. So I dunno if this advice is relevant or
not to your situation. Its certainly relevant to general principles of clarity
and communication, which, hopefully, is relevant in most fields, even silicon
valley startups.

To improve your landing page I would..

immediately establish the following points as tersely and clearly as possible,
ie If you can do one of them with 4 words great!.

1\. Whats wrong with conventional dog food

2\. Whats your better idea

and then, smaller, slightly more detailed points..

3\. Very briefly whats your plan to make this happen.

4\. What do you need to carry out this plan

I would also, eliminate any cruft that isnt really saying anything that isnt
necessary eg. this whole paragraph

" How am I going to do it? I'm going to use my software engineering and
entrepreneurial experience. My technical experience goes pretty deep, well
beyond just a software engineer. I can do things with a computer not even I
understand. This gives me an edge over a lot of things. When I want to learn
something I just do it. So here I am. "

You dont need to say "hey I'm a good software guy".

If you propose this idea well, readers will assume youre capable of carrying
it out. No-one will ever state the negative of that eg. "I'm a really bad
unreliable lazy worker and I dont care about this" so you dont need to state
the positive.

Also dont say youre good and enthusiastic, _show_ them with a clear impressive
presentation.

Overall imo the site is too conversational while also being too light on
actual information, its like youre waffling.

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everyone
Additionally. Cus this is for pets, theres certainly room for some charm. Eg.
cute doggo pic will melt most peoples hearts even if they dont realise it. But
I would make something functional and bare 1st. then add the charm to it.

