Well, I'm thrifty. I'm not going to pay 150$ for something that Linux can do for me. It turns out, it's more difficult to do this than I thought would be.
Is there a Mac equivalent for this available? I'd love to get my hands on one. uControl used to have it, but then it was removed because it was threatened with patent infringement. http://www.gnufoo.org/ucontrol/
~3 hours of hacking with C.