I don't have an answer for you. I just wanted to say that I struggle with the same ideas. I feel like I'm wasting my youth obsessing over these ideas. I feel like I'll disappoint everyone if I stop keeping up this cycle you describe. Sometimes I feel handcuffed to my life.
Do you have a specific alternative in mind? Can you dip a toe in the water without changing everything completely? The people in your life want you to be happy and safe and secure. They probably won't be disappointed if you go do something crazy but I bet their love to see that your backup plan is solid.
On the contrary, I work at BigCorp where every machine is locked down - no administrator access, no sudo, etc. People routinely install programs to C:\ simply because it is writable. If you need admin access to install it? Forget it, open an IT ticket.
I've never heard of anyone quitting because of this issue.
Yes. BigCorp have very limited access to resources depending on their role. IF you need to install software OR require admin rights your ticket have to pass long tail of approvals with lots of justification.
Poker remains unsolved (except for 2-player "Heads-up" limit hold'em[1]). Poker has many different variations and a player's strategy can change significantly based on many factors. The University of Alberta Computer Poker Research Group has already used counterfactual regret minimization in their Cepheus AI. I wonder if they could work with DeepMind to apply some of the techniques used in AlphaGo to poker.
But what are you to do when you have no purpose in life? No motivating, goal-oriented activities that you enjoy? For many depressed people, including myself, everything seems pointless and therefore nothing has purpose and nothing is motivating or truly interesting.
No one really offers any good advice on this part of the solution and yet it's the most important part! Everyone seems to think that everyone must have something that interests them enough to chase a goal for the rest of their lives but I think the reality is that very few people have this. And furthermore motivation ebbs and flows, I have found that it's not very reliable and so a solution that involves it seems oversimplified to me.
There's a concept of "social prescribing" being developed. So, if you need to go to a gym a doctor will give you a prescription which gives you cheaper access to a gym.
There are a bunch of organisations to provide "vocational services" for people with mental health problems. Vocational services doesn't just mean work based activity, it involves social and sports and etc stuff too. This used to be "day services" and was provided in sub-optimal ways. Usually it'd be in a room in a hospital or other mental health building, and there would be strict segregation so no members of the general community would use the room and people with a MH problem wouldn't use rooms in the wider community. There was little concept of progression or push.
The Sainsbury Centre for Mental Health did a great report and so now day services are better - although still no where near good enough.
My local area has "People and Places". They have a large allotment in a normal allotments place. They grow fruit and veg and flowers with other gardening work.
There's also the Independence Trust which run a variety of different groups and sign post to other groups.
Both these groups work with people at most stages of illness (not while they're detained under section in hospital, but pretty much everything else) and they can tailor the work to what the people feel able to do.
I just want to say that there are two perspectives expressed in response to this comment. One is the idea that pleasure in life comes from starting out abstract (e.g. with abstract goals) and finding more specific things to enact those goals. The other is the idea that pleasure in life comes from starting out concrete (e.g. pooping, eating, quenching thirst, etc).
The first idea is wrong, the second idea is right.
But from those concrete things you build up more and more abstract. The more abstract things gain meaning (bring pleasure) from the less abstract things.
As a primitive man, you feel cold and want to be warm, so you build a fire. Then you build a house. Then you kill an animal and make a warm coat. Then you build a better bow. Then you learn how to hunt better. Then you start planning years ahead. You move to better hunting grounds, you start saving up firewood, etc. That is the primitive man's version of a career; the same applies to a modern career.
However, you can't reduce the value of the more abstract things to the less abstract things. Saving up firewood is not reducible to the sum of warm nights you get as a result. It has its own, separate meaning. But that meaning is only possible because of the less abstract things.
Relatedly, people are wrong to say that life is pointless. The point is the pleasure and pain you feel. Meaning is derived from pleasure and pain. Nature gave us a source of meaning---that had to be the case for advanced life to evolve, and it's pleasure and pain.
tl;dr 1) values are built from the ground up, not the top down 2) values are based on pleasure and that is the "point"
Well, everything is pointless by itself. Universe has no mind so it doesn't go anywhere and doesn't give a shit about anytning.
But you do have mind, and so you can choose your purpose, to decide on what you value and then go after it.
Values are arbitrary. Well, the most basic ones are built into you(survival and reproduction, valuing food/safety/sex), but the kind of values humans speak of when they think about a "purpose" are mostly made up by them(making money, raising kids, pleasing god, being a good programmer, whatever).
So if you're looking for "purpose" it's not about finding it somewhere in the world, but more about deciding what you want out of life. I suggest you start by deciding and being clear on what kind of things you value. Once you know what you want out of life on the high/abstract level - you look for the more concrete examples and activities that move you towards achieving these values.
Here's my example. What I want the most in life, in a very abstract sense, is "being clever", so I am very motivated to do everything that moves me in that general direction. More specifically, I want to be great at thinking and creating things, coming up with ideas and understanding the world. This is something I want for the sake of itself, this is what makes life fun, I value these things "just because". After thinking for a while, I figured that the best practical activities that move me in the direction of these values are Computer Science, building a startup, and writing comedy/fiction.
So at this point my abstract desire to "be clever" drives my motivation to "learn programming" or "get good at writing comedy". And from there I can come up with goals and practical projects, which I am motivated to do because they move me further towards fulfilling my values in life.
I went through a period of depression and apathy, and thought a lot about how to figure out what I want. I'm still scared/depressed(for various reasons, mostly related to logistics in life), but now I have figured out how to "find my passion" and come up with goals that make me motivated and driven. So if what I wrote makes any sense or is in any way helpful, I'm happy to talk more on the topic, if you're interested, maybe you could bounce ideas off of me, maybe that will help you out. If you want - feel free to message me to raymestalez@gmail.com
a) Yes, everything is indeed pointless / "pointless".
b) Think about what "pointless" means. It requires an agent to assign and remove importance. Who is this agent? Is it you, is it society, is it what you have been told since born? What's his goals / values / pov? Why exactly is something "important" or not?
c) Fck "saving the world". Fck "there is a point in this". See it, start, simpler: Do you enjoy eating some specific food? That's the meaning of life. Do you enjoy taking a dump? That's the meaning of life. Do you enjoy chewing gum? That's the meaning of life. Do you enjoy saying some arcane joke? To yourself or some random person you just met? Even if they dislike it or don't understand it? That's the meaning of life. Do you enjoy scratching your @@? That's the meaning of life.
The "purpose in life", is to eg scratch your @@, and for 2 seconds, say "I liked that, and I currently feel good".
It may sound ridiculous, but everything comes from that. If you eg say, "I was thirsty, it's hot, and I enjoyed this cold glass of water", you are on your way to be happy, and also on your way to save humanity. If you want to do that. ..Don't believe me that everything comes from that. But, pls, do enjoy the one second of today, that you felt well doing whatever.
That's the meaning of life. That's the purpose. And when you internalise that, you will find something that is nice for two seconds, and, eventually, you will find the "purpose".
Yes, I agree that you should try and find meaning in everything you do. Basically you want everything that you do in your life to be in line with your motivation and goals. It's partly a process of changing your outlook on life, and partly about making actual changes to how you live your life.
However, you should also be aware that one of the symptoms of depression is being unable to find enjoyment in activities that you normally find enjoyable. This might be the problem that throwaway3301 is experiencing.
It's not always easy to figure out what is causing depression. It's as if your brain has set off a "master caution" warning light, and you then have to figure out yourself what the problem actually is. I would recommend just asking yourself "is this what I want to do with my life" (in terms of your job, where you live, your relationships, etc.)
Also, depression can feed on itself in a vicious circle. I think this is where CBT comes in, as it teaches you to avoid negative thought patterns (although I never used it myself).
This is awesome, and reminds me of what Eckhart Tolle is describing in his book "A New Earth". Essentially, "your purpose in life is whatever you are doing right now".
How does one keep these things in practice in the reality of an over-committed software team with shifting priorities, difficulties interfacing with product management, and bad specifications/requirements that eventually result in significant scope creep? I often feel like I want to refactor code, but the cost of doing so is so high that it would slow me down to the point of missing a deadline. "It works" is usually as much as I have time for.
Instead of trying to dedicate time specifically to refactor try to clean up classes as you come across them when fixing bugs or adding features.
Whenever I open a file, I try and take a quick glance to see if there's anything that could use refactoring before working on the actual issue (if it's either a particularly large file or one that hasn't been touched in years I'll check Sonar[1]).
Could I contact you somewhere to discuss the positive changes you are making in your life? I don't want to take away time from your busy schedule but I've been dealing with similar problems for the past couple years and I'd like to discuss strategies for moving past this darkness.
This line in particular really spoke to me as it's about all I can manage at the moment (hoping for change rather than actively pursuing change):
"I have off moments but I just remember how bad I felt when I was sat at 2am watching the moon wishing everything would end and that they will pass in time."
How can I start learning about how to identify exploits like this? I know some basics about web application security and work as a software engineer on a day-to-day basis but security has always been a passion of mine and I have always wanted to be able to support myself through working on security alone (by collecting rewards through bounty programs, self-employed security consulting, working at a security consulting firm like Matasano, or some combination thereof) but I don't know where to start. I want to learn the ins and outs of web application security instead of just understanding the OWASP top 10 and having a strong interest in certain topics (like HTTPS/SSL vulnerabilities). When I read disclosures from people like Egor I grasp the steps they are taking to craft an exploit like this as they are explained but I don't know how to identify these exploits on my own.
Can anyone recommend some reading material or some first steps I can take to work towards moving to a more security-focus career?
Like a lot of other things, practice matters. OWASP has some deliberately insecure webapps which are meant to give people practice spotting and exploiting vulnerabilities (WebGoat, RailsGoat, PyGoat, probably others). There are also "capture the flag" competitions of the sort run every so often by Stripe; Matasano currently has one going as well, focused on embedded systems:
Personally I think realizing you need to engage your will and discipline yourself into working hard when you don't want to is the easy part. The really really hard part is actually doing it. How do you find will where there is none? How do you motivate yourself when you feel unmotivated about everything? When you feel stuck in the rat race, stuck in the routine of monotony? How can I restore the drive and motivation in myself that I never remember having in the first place? Is it even possible?
These are the things I am struggling with and they make fighting it a non-starter.
I once read something that Tim Ferriss had said in response to a similar question. I'm heavily paraphrasing, but he was basically asked how he had so much more discipline than most others.
He responded by saying that he doesn't have more discipline - he just creates environments that decrease his opportunities to fail (ie. get distracted) and increase his likelihood to succeed (ie. finish the work).
The idea is to not trust yourself and not give yourself the opportunity to fail. A concrete example of how I've personally put this to great use in my life is how I made it a habit to go to the gym:
When I was in college, I wanted to go to the gym regularly. Unfortunately I found that when I was in my dorm room and needed to get ready for the gym, I lacked the motivation to get out of a comfortable situation. What I began doing was taking my gym clothes to class and going straight to the gym after class. This required significantly less motivation on my part because I was already walking around campus, sometimes even passing the gym by on the way back to my dorm. The step leading up to that also required very little motivation - putting clothes in your backpack. The result was that I created a sequence of events that each had a small likelihood of failure. 10 years later, going to the gym is my favorite hobby.
Another example related to getting work done came about when I was trying to work on my side projects from home. It never worked. I'd always want to browse the internet, watch tv, play video games, or spend time with my girlfriend. Starting work when my Xbox was in the next room meant summoning a monumental amount of motivation. Instead what I started doing was going to a local coffee shop or coworking space. It doesn't take that much effort to just go to a public space with wifi (and if it does, you can use the advice above). Once there, you have put yourself in an environment where everyone else is working. Aside from noise, there are fewer distractions. In addition, you'll look like an asshole if you're sitting in front of your laptop playing on Reddit for 4 hours while everyone around you is getting shit done.
If you can make a habit of completing those small triggers that lead to bigger outcomes, you'll eventually have gained a much more significant habit.
Thanks! It is nice to know I'm not the only one going trough this. Let me know if you find the/an/your answer!
Some things I've noticed: Being physically fit helps and doing sport is a bit easier than overthrowing the world. Maybe ask a friend to go with you.
Sleep is also easily modified: Try out the effects of light, temperature, noise, sleep duration etc. Maybe use Melatonine or a sleep cycle alarm.
It's also a lot easier to do things when I don't have to do them. If I tell myself, I _have_ to run today in order to get fit I probably won't do it. But just going outside quickly for some fresh air? Sure, let's check the mailbox ... and now that I'm outside, why not run for a bit?
It's a bit like jumping out of the bed before the brain realizes what you're doing and has no time to scream "I don't want to wake up!" :)
It's the same technique that you suggested: train yourself to get up as more of a reflex of hearing the alarm, not as a series of mental motivations and self-persuasions.
In a wilderness we would be turned into someone's food very quickly, but luckily nowadays in our world you don't really have to work that hard to survive. If you can't do all the things that you dream of right now, maybe you are simply over-ambitious. Try to move your focus from the things that you didn't do and focus instead on something else, more realistic that can be done. Do one thing, but do it right. And then work your way up from there...
