Yes. The fear is real, and 100% more tangible when you're holding your child the first few times. Overcome with love, joy and sadness because you cannot comprehend how anyone could treat someone that they love so deeply in a bad way.
I don't think "made it" is the differentiator here. It's more about emotional maturity and acceptance that you're chiefly responsible for another human beings experience of the world: What you put in can set them up, or break them down.
That said, I created some rules for myself:
1. Never lie to children. It's easy to make up a story to avoid an emotional outburst. People that lie cannot be trusted, trust is the cornerstone of a relationship, don't lie.
2. Don't avoid emotions. Lean in. Feeling emotions is a human right. Let kids feel emotions. Be with them and make them feel safe. Through conversation try to dissect, explain and appreciate why they're feeling emotional.
3. Hug them. Only let go when they let go.
4. Say goodbye. Don't sneak out the house to avoid an emotional outburst. Not understanding where a parent went, or why you missed them leaving is traumatic. Say goodbye.
5. Never pretend that you'll leave them. Kid is at playground and doesn't want to leave? Never faux walk away and pretend you're leaving without them. Fear is not a parenting strategy, it's abuse.
I'm sure my list will grow. My daughter is 2. I try to live with integrity, honesty and love. What I get out is pure unfettered joy.
#1 is exceptionally powerful. My parents never lied to me or attempted to deceive me. They always emphasized telling the truth, no matter how painful the consequences might be.
I’ve seen other families that lie to each other about the most trivial of things and it ends up with them all constantly feeling gaslit and not trusting each other. How horrible it would be to not have that feeling of safety and security with your own parents.
A well-meaning but frustrated parent might try that move in the moment but not consider what it could mean from their child's perspective. "My parent could leave me" should never be a potential consequence for misbehaving.
They're probably more aware of it because of worse things they've endured like it. A severe example is kicking your kid out of the car and driving off without them. Or packing them a bag and forcing them out of the apartment.
This. I was in the car with my mom and I wouldn't shut up. She told me to and if I didn't, she'd make me walk home. Open my mouth I did!
I walked maybe 2 miles home. Stopped in every store/business where I knew someone. I stopped in the stationary store, the little 5 and dime, a doctor's office. Said hello and chatted a bit. I had to have been 7 or 8. Some folks asked where my mom was and I told them what happened. I have no recollection of what they said. All I know is that I walked on home. Thank goodness there were sidewalks and that I knew where I was going.
What had a much greater negative effect was the walkathon. I was a fat kid and somehow decided I was going to walk 20 miles to raise money for some charity. No one, most of all my father, thought I would walk more than a couple of miles. So neighbors, friends, colleagues of 'rents pledged $20/mile.
Day of, my friend and I were told to go to friend's mom's office when we finished and she'd drive us home. Off we went! Thank goodness we had some idea where we were. It took us all. day. long. We went to a wedding, watched some cute guys play basketball, admired gardens, and talked and talked. We were at the tail end and had no idea if anyone was in front of us or what time it was. Got to the center of town and the organizers had packed up. We had to walk probably 1/2 mile to friend's mom's office. . . and I finally showed up at home and it was like I'd never gone! Sometimes the walkaton pops into my head and I wonder how the hell my parents were not worried about me. More now that my mother has moved in with us and we talk more. I actually asked her about it the other day and she remembers nothing about the walk other than I walked all 20 miles.
End of the world? Absolutely not. But it sure taught me about what my parents thought I could do.
#5 is the only one I do, but because I never thought about it as a fear mechanic - I'll definitely avoid doing this now. That said, what's a good alternative? Sometimes you don't have time to bargain, is picking them up kicking and screaming actually better?
Yes, it is that bad. I used to do it a lot. Didn't help the slightest. As soon as I adopted an "I'll do it for you" strategy everyone's lives started to improve. Even mine.
Yes, it is that bad. I used to do it a lot. Didn't help the slightest. As soon as I adopted an "I'll do it for you" strategy everyone's lives started to improve. Even mine.
Yeah my 10-month old son asks for me constantly(da da di da ta ti) if I'm away from him for more than a few hours. Separation is really tough for them to deal with because they don't have the tools or sophistication to understand why we're gone and that we're coming back. I had to spend a few weeks away from him when he was 4 months when my wife needed to be somewhere with a working kitchen and a clean floor and I needed to repair our kitchen and I think he was "colicky" during that time because he didn't understand where I was or when I would be back. This persisted during the week and then when I would spend the day with them he would calm down.
It's threatening abandonment if they fail to comply with whatever whim you have. It's actually one of the most traumatic things you can do to a small child - because they've learned what you want is all that matters, and if they don't guess what you want properly, they'll be left without a parent.
That's a great list; while not explicitly writing them out, we raise our kids by similar rules, and I think it's been a huge help. #1 is huge. We also explicitly answer any question they ask (barring privacy concerns). The answers vary based on how old they are, and what they're capable of understanding, but they can always ask for more detail if we guess wrong. It lets them know that there are no taboo subjects with us, and they can always come to us with their hard questions.
It did mean nuanced conversations about how not to ruin the "Santa Clause game" for other kids, etc.
We even stopped using Slack for our internal conversations, and instead use private Discord rooms, to me it means that everyone who cares about our product is focused on the same space.
My assumption is that they connected to production to run their local environment against production to debug something. They needed the data. Snaplet can capture a small subset of data related to a particular user, and remove the private information, which they can restore on their local machine.
Yeah, it's rather crazy, but it happens. Sometimes you need to mutate things in order to get the full experience of testing the software locally. So, really you need the data locally and this is what I'm suggesting. Don't mess with the developer experience, just give them tools to self service.
Unfortunately these sort of mistakes are seen as a "right of passage" for many developers. I ran "`DELETE FROM users;` without a WHERE clause against production in my first year on the job. I felt absolutely terrible. I thought I was connected to a development machine.
Fortunately we had backups available.
Often this isn't a problem with the individual developer itself, but points to a problem with the organization. Frankly most developers shouldn't have access to a production database, let alone mutable access.
One major concern is loss of data, but another is privacy.
It's so frustrating to see this happening when there are tools that solve this like Snaplet (I'm a founder), and Replibyte that allow you to generate or obfuscate data for usage in dev-environments, and Neon that allows you to branch your database.
I think DB engines should simply have some sort of a default option in the interactive mode where if you write "delete from table", it asks "Are you sure? You're going to wipe out the entire table! Y/N". Would've probably solved 99% problems.
It looks like we’re getting downvoted, lol. Not sure why that’s a thing. Bytebase is awesome. We should write about each other in our docs. You do the migration and we’ll do the data.
This is great, I'm going to try it out. One thing I'm not sure about right now is that you've analyzed my website and there's a bunch of LLM generated content about it, but I don't know what the consequence is of submitting that information. I'm not actually sure how I'll be held accountable by the information I've provided.
There is nothing inherently bad about some corporations or individuals ceteris paribus generating windfall profits. Ceteris paribus is doing a lot of lifting there, because nepotism, graft, cartel collusion, bribery and generally capture are trivially the dominant terms.
The fungibility of windfall profits into induced market failure to generate more windfall profits has historically only ended one way.
You really, REALLY need to stop using big words like "Ceteris paribus". It's not helping you get your point across, (especially) when you don't even care to explain them.
Having your test database mirror production as closely as possible is also an important habit, however I’m biased since that’s part of the offering that I’m building.
You might want to try and maintain a synthetic dataset for testing and staging that has the same "shape" as your production data - to avoid exposing sensitive data.
We're currently trying to have each rails model implement a #new_example method that builds a valid subgraph filled in by Faker, ready to save. Ie a
user = User.new_example
will come with a Company.new_example if every user needs a company relationship.
We're doing the same, but for the TypeScript world with "Snaplet Seed." We use generative AI to generate deterministic values + the required relational data:
https://www.snaplet.dev/seed
We generate data based off of your database schema and your production data (if you give us access.)
Since you've kinda already built something like this I would be curious to hear what you think!
I can understand that. I prefer keeping my models clean without environment-specific implementation details, which is why I've settled on the FactoryBot approach for testing, seeding, etc.
