> If you’re repeatedly drawn to a thought, feeling, or belief, write it out. Be fast, be sloppy.
I couldn't agree more here! A friend has wanted to start a writing/journaling habit for a long time, but didn't know what to write about. I told him, don't think to write—write to think [1].
Show up to an empty page, without knowing, is totally acceptable! So is writing things down that make you feel embarrassed, confused, etc.
When I'm journaling, I often find prompts/frameworks helpful for guiding this escape.
I really like Byron Katie's framework, which she calls The Work [2]. After you notice and draw to mind a stressful thought, answer these four questions:
Q1. Is it true?
Q2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
Q3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
Q4. Who would you be without that thought?
Then, invert the thought. She writes, "Turn the thought around. Is the opposite as true as or truer than the original thought?"
Derek Sivers also shares some really great questions for journaling for reframing [3].
I absolutely hate to say it but chatbots ARE actually good at therapy, or acting as a sort of interactive journal.
I try to put my thoughts in as clearly and concisely as I can, and it rephrases it back to me and points out angles I hadn't thought of. Plus, I know not only does it not want to judge me, it's literally incapable of judging me unlike a human therapist.
Again I hate how dumb this sounds but I was surprised.
I think this, along with ACTUAL therapy as practice, might be the most "your mileage may vary" thing ever.
Ultimately (I'd say unlike perhaps other professions that try to fix things about you) -- therapy is 100% coaching. Which is to say, the therapist can't DO any of the meaningful work, they can only do their best to try to present you with ideas that spark you into following them.
> You're building up a portfolio of writing about topics that interest you.
This reason resonates with me immensely.
You're not just writing about what you've figured out, sometimes you're actually deepening your understanding as you write! Writing is the thinking process: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=32628196
I have been writing every day at my blog for three years now, and it's been very rewarding for me to figure out what I actually care about and seeing patterns.
I like thinking about it like a bunch of skateboarders lugging the video camera around to capture the moment. (They did this before social media!)
VX1000 was peak camera in skateboarding. The one modern camera that seems somewhat close has been the whatever Lumix that the dudes at April Skateboards use. It's hd but has a 4:3 ratio and looks VX like in my opinion
While I'm sorry to hear about the setbacks, it sounds like you've really overcome them. Congratulations on the momentum!
I've found journaling and introspection to be helpful for building confidence. Sharing some questions below intended for you to journal through:
> But I question myself, who cares what people think? But subconsciously I clearly care very deeply what EVERYONE thinks and it’s exhausting.
I think you've hit it on the nose here!
Have you focused on this point in therapy?
What role do you think family and cultural background might play?
(Aside: I grew up in a collectivist culture and my family is quite traditional—people pleasing is the norm!)
What would it take for you to like yourself even if other people don't like you?
> I’m dumb as bricks in other areas - social situations with more than 1 person are extremely hard to navigate, I constantly have relationship issues with everyone, I find the workplace and jobs impossible to perform in even though I have innate ability in what I do.
In her book Scout Mindset, Julia Galef suggests there are two types of confidence:
1. Epistemic confidence—certainty in something, like a weather prediction
2. Social confidence—comfort with other people, and self assurance. It sounds like you might consider focusing on building social confidence.
What is your inner dialogue like? How do you talk to yourself generally? (Are you hard on yourself? Were your parents hard on you?)
Did you grow up learning that you could only feel confident after you've "earned it" or had a good reason to? (Kunal Gupta wrote a good post on this here: https://www.howto.live/post/confidence)
> When I say confidence I mean quiet confidence, confidence in my own actions and abilities and lot in life x social interactions.
I feel certain that just by defining confidence for yourself so clearly, you're going to get there sooner or later!
No I really haven’t overcome the setbacks, they have really overturned my life.
On paper I am doing all the “right” things, but inside I am a shell of a person. I’ve been in this situation before, and I’m always proactive, but I’m just a husk of a human being at this point.
Cultural background is western, family background is that I’m from a very fucked up dysfunctional family.
In terms of liking myself, I’ve never been able to answer that question. I thought having solid morals would do that, but I’ve broken my own morals several times - so that’s a no go. I thought getting fit would do it, but it became quite disordered. I thought making friends would do it, but I fundamentally can’t connect or relate to most people. My best friend is an elderly academic Chinese man, I’m a 30 something white guy.
My inner dialogue is pretty horrible. I’m extremely hard on myself and it’s only gotten worse with age. When I achieve things I say I’m proud of myself but that’s it. Yes I feel like I have to earn my confidence.
Do you think you need many connections? History is full of hermits who ate herbs and drank milk. You don't need to achieve to feel confident, just to prove to yourself you are sufficient.
Your dysfunctional family is the problem that emerged. This will set your mind up for a long time. I grew with a mother that loved me with too much affection, and I grew dependent as a person. That can also be a problem, huh?
How can I go outside in a world in war and stay sane.l, with all the needs for caring I still have.
But then I see people like you, and I'm genuinly moved to tears, 'cause I feel you and that's all I got for today.
Yes! Whatever blog solution you choose, buy your own domain name. I personally use Namecheap, I have heard good things about Porkbun. That way you can always control the flow of link traffic.
And set up a mailing list! If you use Substack, buy a domain name. Otherwise you can use ConvertKit, Ghost, etc., and collect your reader's emails directly.
Agree completely. Do any registrars toss in a free (or very cheap) basic [micro]blog service? Domain ownership should be the main entry point to the web, everything else is interchangeable and can be sorted out later.
Building a direct connection with your customers/audience/people is the key. As this piece suggests, an email list is a great way to get started.
It could really be any list of any contact info that you can export and download as a data file at some point. I have seen physical stores leave clipboards out for people to sign up for a mailing list and that works.
I feel extremely passionate about this topic and I've written extensively on it.
Anyone who follows your content on any one platform should have a path to reach you on other platforms or on your own
I think about big/semi-big YouTubers like Jeb Brooks who starts every video introducing his website. Or how Doug DeMuro sends you to cars and bids and sends you to his podcast.
Other creators have premium/“backup plan” type of content hosts like floatplane for Linus tech tips or Nebula for the various documentary-style producers out there.
Basically, don’t make your revenue dependent on a single platform in any way you can.
And maybe the fact that an email inbox feels like it's "yours" more than anything else does. It's especially true for technical folks who know how to move our email addresses from one host to another, but even for non-technical folks, the inbox is just the inbox – it doesn't change a lot, if ever.
I like to think of it more as being intentional, and less as desperate/too forward. You want to know what you're looking for and, just as important, what you're not looking for.
In terms of reaching out, here are some things I did when I was job hunting:
1. The classic referral
Find the job post and work backwards from there (e.g., is there somebody I know (1st connection) or somebody who knows somebody I know (2nd connection) on LinkedIn who works at the company?).
If I knew the 1st connection, I'd reach out and ask if they were comfortable referring me.
I made time to catch up with good friends. It felt energizing to get the moral support, with the added bonus that sometimes they knew people working at companies looking to hire. For example I would eventually get a job offer from Figma and that was because a good friend's partner worked there and was glad to refer me. I hadn't even heard of the opportunity before we talked.
4. The weak ties
I also made time to catch up with people I didn't know that well. There's some research on "weak ties" that suggest that people who you don't know well probably are exposed to a very different network to you, and will come across very different opportunities. The convo would be an opportunity for us to catch up and I'd talk about being open to job opportunities.
This was great. I immediately jumped to Day 90, which felt relateable:
> I envisioned 90 Days would be a magical story of a guy who left his job and found his passion, like the many similar stories I’ve read. I even tried for the first month to paint each day in a new light, glorifying what was otherwise a mundane set of 24 hours.... 90 Days paints a more realistic picture of what really happened. It’s not a stunning success or an abysmal failure, but rather something in between.
Tangential anecdote: When I went to a buffet as a child, I loaded up on mashed potatoes, fries, onion rings, etc. I would be told by family and friends that I was effectively wrong for choosing those foods because seafood, meat, etc., was more expensive and therefore more valuable and worth choosing.
I don't think that was a bad outcome necessarily, because I picked foods that were super unhealthy and cater to thin dopamine hits. But I do think the reasoning (value vs. health) was off as it started instilling a sense of letting perceived/imagined value reign over personal instincts and inclinations.
Reading this felt like a call to be more present, pay more attention to the small things, do things for their own sake, etc.
