Here's the thing: I'm incredibly lucky. I'm working in a field I absolutely love (the intersection of technology and medicine), with a brilliant and compassionate group of people who I respect greatly, in an environment flowing in autonomy, doing work I find unbelievably interesting and impactful. There is nothing I would rather be doing, and (for the most part) no group of people I'd rather be doing it with. As someone who sought such a situation for a long time, that's not a statement I take lightly.
So what's the problem? Anxiety. So much anxiety. An onslaught of worry and fear, (quite literally) every minute of every day, all self-imposed and mostly centered on a fear of embarrassment. Do I know enough? Am I doing enough? What if I don't know the answer to that extremely basic question? How do I make sure that no one "finds me out"? Many imposter syndrome concerns: some of which are grounded in reality but none of which are helpful to me.
These thoughts fill up my mind in such a way that I don't have many brain cycles left for learning new ideas, solving problems or remembering details. (I have OCD, and these thoughts become obsessions that don't let up.) This creates a negative feedback loop: anxiety leads to decreased performance (in terms of learning/solving/remembering/accomplishing), which leads to anxiety about my performance, which further decreases my performance. As a result, I find myself becoming the imposter I'm trying to conceal, and am often unhappy.
Why am I writing this post? I'm seeking understanding, support, and related stories/situations. I'm not seeking a cure-all. I'm not seeking a pharmaceutical or therapeutic recommendation. Just support.
I'd love to hear from you all!