The inspiration was this thread:
Yeah, there's a fun one for a first date. Seriously how do you handle that question? Some people have had very bad things happen to them.
This helps create a climate of intimacy and trust, regardless of the answer to the question.
Overall, I enjoyed reading the questions and I plan to do this.
I read the questions on your app without having read the list of questions on NYT or github. When I read those questions (by myself), I was filled with anticipation and not fear or apprehension. I think this is because your app and these questions pre-structure disclosure in an environment of symmetric experience. This is really important and I could talk more about this.
You can feel free to email me at zlrthn mouse geemail (replace mouse with @ and fix geemail). I haven't gone through the app with a potential partner but I'll let you know when I do.
Thank you for doing this. Made my day.
It's weird that you think a first date is a suitable date to go poking around in stuff like that or that a first date could possibly do any meaningful empathising.
That said, if you don't want to talk about it, say so. Or give only a very brief summary without going into detail ("my $relative died very slowly from cancer", "I had an abusive partner", ...).
That stinted conversation for a good 30 minutes and honestly I nearly just walked away because it was so goddamned uncomfortable. I don't want to share that kind of pain with a stranger. Maybe once I've known someone for a few months I'd feel happy doing so.
This is actually a great question. Some similar questions I have asked my partners:
* Tell me a secret
* Tell me your most embarrassing moment
* Tell me something bad about you
I remember a girl answering "my mother is crazy" to the first question.
The point of those questions are to deeply open yourself to the other. Share intimate moments. Create complicity. And in OP's tool it will also be about having an emotional roller-coaster (since it mixes happy questions with sad questions). Which as I've heard is the best way to get to someone's heart (debatable).
OP just sounds dangerously optimistic and cheerful about probing into each others' psyches. "Love Actualized"? More like air out your dirty laundry and hope the other person's ok with it.
I should probably create an accompanying course on how to hold space for someone and to create a safe, empathic environment.
Could you simulate intimacy with a bot? Simply ask these questions and give feedback like you are listening and when asked questions, have some scripted responses.
Maybe a plugin for Siri :)
You could absolutely simulate intimacy, yes. But it would be as satisfying and useful as a digital ice-cream simulation.
Perhaps I could have people chose to play online or play in person.
Looking forward to some wedding photos!
Let me know if you find it.
If that's the case, how does this idea allude to anything other than the concept that two people who generally get along with each other, and were already predisposed to liking each other in the first place, would develop feelings for each other after spending a few hours conversing and learning about each other?
Highlighted in purple on page 367:
"Overall, these data suggest that matching in terms of
not disagreeing on important attitudes or leading subjects
to believe that they and their partners will like each
other probably has little impact on the overall closeness
subjects achieve through this procedure, or even on
their mutual attraction. "
I had the experience of eye gazing with a woman this fall, and the moment we saw each other, we both had the experience of "this is my husband/wife" -- we dated for a couple months, though she had a bf so that was sort of tricky and I decided I needed to take space to let her sort that out.
As for the questions, most people have a very low level of intimate conversation -- Level 1 (of 5), where they mostly discuss facts about things, the world, etc. This moves them up into higher level intimate conversations.
Also, a big part of attraction is feeling safe, on a deeper level, so actively moving to deeper levels and being vulnerable together will bond people.
Will this work if you hate the person or have no attraction at all? Maybe not, but it can be a huge catalyst for newly dating people or long term couples.
In my workshops I've had women say they had more sustained eye contact in 3 minutes than they've had in their entire 20 year marriage. Powerful stuff.
Thanks for the feedback!
But much of this thread is assuming "in love" (in the sense this practice purportedly produces) is a state that is inherently linked to sexuality. I'm not sure whether or not that's the case.
I might suggest making a native app though. Several developers made an absolute killing off their native versions of the NYT's 7 minute workout article (eventually pushing the NYT to release their own app).
Found this as well if anyone is interested - they have made a film about the study in down under Australia, says online it comes out in 2015, heres the link:
I'm the creator of LoveActualize.com
I'm aware that it's a really old engine (from somewhere around Firefox 3.5 times), but it sounds like something trivial to fix.
Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
Would you like to be famous? In what way?
Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of
your life, which would you want?
Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
Take 4 minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
What do you value most in a friendship?
What is your most treasured memory?
What is your most terrible memory?
If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
What does friendship mean to you?
What roles do love and affection play in your life?
Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of 5 items.
How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Make 3 true "we" statements each. For instance "We are both in this room feeling ... "
Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... "
If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
Almost done. Now silently look into your partners eyes for 4 Minutes.
Congrats! You're in love! :)
Don't QUESTION LOVE!
Could someone explain this question to me?
The reason I ask is I immediately thought, "Hey it's just a list of questions, and a way to move between pages. Shouldn't take more than an hour." But software projects are often underestimated. What took you 12 ??
Some things just take way longer than we think they will. Sometimes it's sheer mis-estimation (setting up the basic CSS style sheet, getting the layout to look nice, getting the transitions working properly, etc. all seem simple but still require raw time and effort), and sometimes it's just that nasty bit that _should_ be easy and just ends up not being easy ("why isn't the DIV centering??") and you blink and 3 hours have gone by. And that part should have taken 30 seconds.
So it no longer surprises me when things that should be simple end up taking 10 or 100x as long.
BTW - fantastic article on this subject I read recently:
That all being said - OP - would love to hear about your process.
Bootname is a site that runs crowdsourced name brainstorming contests aka "Namestorms" and is a Codective Ventures Portfolio company of which I am co-founder.
This game sucks.
Go and read the NYT article linked from the app's page.