|This is the last place I had thought of, but here I am. I'm a CS student in my third year of college, I'm 19. I feel old, I spend most of my time alone, and I feel as if I have no motivation for anything. My college experience has been, honestly, brutally disappointing; I just look around and see my peers having the time of their lives, finding opportunities, spending time with friends. I feel as if I'm not part of this community of young, interesting, capable people.|
Worse still, I have no single person to tell these things to. I used to, but one by one they have left. I'm scared about being like a black hole...was my attitude the thing that led them away? I don't want to fall into that ugly spiral of negative thoughts, I don't want to be the person nobody wants to talk to, but I'm afraid I have become that guy. I deeply wish to be a cool, interesting person to be around with. This is so hard! I feel that before I had something to offer to people, something that made me interesting. I feel as if I've lost that.
I’m currently in counselling, but the therapist keeps telling me I should keep talking to at least one stranger every single day. I don't see it working, and it drains me physically, mentally and specially emotionally. I have no way of letting this out - I can't cry. Tears simply won't come out.
I constantly ask myself how could I -and why the hell I can't- connect and surround myself with the people that I would like to be with. Those, with which I could make projects, play music, stay up all night chatting, have the adventures people in college are supposed to have. It's just so difficult for me to even analyze what I'm doing wrong, or what I'm supposed to do. Everything is so confusing, and getting worse by the day.
Hope this hasn't been too long. I just have to let this out. Any word of help would be very welcome.