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IMO this is too long, also not clear enough.

Single sentence per line. Or two small ones.

Clear ask on its own line, correct?

Thanks, Startup Founder

Startup Name and URL

email / phone

While I agree in general that shorter emails are preferable - longer emails draw you in more and can really show that the sender has thought things through, thus making you more open to reciprocating.

That's why you include a URL. Otherwise, maybe put 3 lines up top, and more info below which could stand on its own.

I don't get anywhere near as much email as a professional investor, but unless it's from someone I know and actually want to hear from, or someone paying me, if it goes on for more than 3 lines without being compelling, I just hit delete.

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