Losing ~ALL your free time can hurt alot mentally, esp if you had very specific life goals like starting a business and escaping the 9-5 (vs generic ones like travelling the world etc), you likely have to give those up, and that can be very difficult mentally and emotionally
I went through a "grieving" process of my new fate in life. It helped more when the baby started smiling. It helped more when she started sleeping through the night. It helped more as I internalized and built acceptance more.
If anyone wants to reach out on this aspect of fatherhood please reply and would love to get in touch.
EDIT: And goes without saying, but try all you can to get into a job/role that's remote and not super time-consuming or stressful. You will find it really valuable to have some of that 9-5 time when there's childcare (and also away from your spouse depending on the situation) to recharge and do whatever the F you want :)
Hard agree. I lost everything. Pre kids: working in a startup with long (but enjoyable) hours, lots of travel, conferences, tech meetups multiple nights throughout the week followed by continued discussion / dinner / bar hopping afterwards, music festivals, clubbing until sunrise and time with friends on weekends. If I wanted to do something, focus on something, or neglect something it could happen.
Then I had a child and COVID hit at the same time.
I switched jobs to an org with much more stability, predictable hours, and absolutely devoid of any passion. Combine that with immense sleep deprivation, no child-compatible social network, and society going through its own existential challenges. My mental health was comatose.
It's hard. It's really fucking hard, but you will settle into new patterns that work for you, even if that takes time. I'm now a few years in, have redefined some sense of self, work part time (in the same org, but a properly enjoyable role) and have a tiny human that my partner and I are continuing to explore the world with. It's an inexplainable experience that you're about to embark on. Hope you enjoy the ride.
Yes, all the "it's hard" that you hear from others – yeah you have no idea until you actually experience it.
So glad things improved for you. Really once you're a dad, the only choice is to adapt or divorce. Call it copium or what have you, but you do what needs to be done, you shift your mindset however it needs shifting, and do whatever helps you (and everyone else) get through.
This is a good point. Not everyone immediately bonds with a newborn, either father or mother. If you're not feeling something you think you're supposed to be feeling, that's not unusual.
And they definitely get fun later on - but you'd be surprised at both how long it takes, and at the fun things you can find pretty early on.
Very late to this, but it will come. You will bond with your child and not even realize it. I would have said that I wasn't bonded with my child. In fact, she kind of annoyed me. Then I sent her away for a month to get a break. Suddenly everything fell apart for me emotionally. Turned out I could not think avout her when I was working etc because I was very comfortable with the people she was in the care of. Now that she was with people I really trusted, but several hours away withoit the ability to a check in on her whenever I wanted, it made me realize how very bonded I was to her.
I remember walking to her room out of habit and then laughing because of course she wouldn't be there. And then I'd do that 2 or 3 times a day every day. Other such absurdities.
I think that was a good experience for me because I still don't think about my kid very much when she's not around, but it doesn't mean I'm not attached to her.
I kind of disagree with this take. I mean sure, you do lose almost all your free time and you definitely have to reevaluate your priorities, but I don't think you need to give up on your life goals / things outside of work. IE. I have a ~3 year old and recently completed a master's degree while being (by my own evaluation) a good dad/husband. It was definitely a struggle and had to really challenge myself as to whether I thought it was worth doing, but I found the time to get it done after my wife and child were asleep or before they were awake. I think it gets a little easier to carve out free time after the first year.
I have my second on the way so we'll see if I'm still singing this tune in the fall.
Definitely agree with the remote thing though. I'm in a fully in-office role now and believe my life would be vastly improved if I found a remote role. I'm committed where I'm at for another 18 months and then plan to try my hardest to get into something remote.
That’s awesome but also a masters is a very different beast than starting a business IMO. It’s pretty defined (even with a thesis, in comparison) whereas trying to start a successful business is constant double guessing, pivoting, hustling when opportunities come by, needing to drop other things when opportunities come by, constantly strategizing/worrying when doing other things, etc
In any case, this is heartening to see. The majority consensus seems to be you can either be a good dad, or pursue lofty goals, but not both because of the time commitment required for each.
TBH I'm looking for successful examples of parent founders (founding when they had a kid, and not when the kids were grown), particularly in the realm of vc backed ventures (even indie would make good examples, but there's a slightly different dynamic). I haven't found any good examples yet, and I don't know if that's because people don't talk about being a parent while pursuing other goals, or its something people don't do,
Tbf if you’re going to be quitting your 9-5 I don’t think it’s an issue. But no, I have not seen any _American_ examples of being a good dad + 9-5 + being a successful founder
Interesting. So from what I'm understanding, in your experience it is impossible to pursue goals for starting a startup or escaping the 9-5 once you have a child (or at least in the first several years of having a child?), and the 'correct' course of action is to accept that your goal is to provide and raise a family as your priority?
YES, it is all-consuming. It was for me and probably for most. Obviously there are factors like grandparents help available etc, but unless you have a full time live-in maid like they have in Asia (au pairs don’t count cause they’re still 45hrs/week), there’s so many chores to do, on top of watching and entertaining the baby.
At first I tried to still do everything, but after some fights I realized I wasn’t being a good husband/father and progress was so slow on the business that it was probably not gonna make it anyway.
My current advice: If you have such unmet goals, assume that there’s a 90% chance you’ll have to give them up. Then make your decisions based on that. Which are you more willing to give up on? It could lead to very tough decisions eg splitting with your spouse, if it’s something you truly can’t see eye to eye on. Mostly if you wanna do both and still have a few childbearing years left get off your ass NOW and go for it, quit your job, whatever, it might be your last shot.
One other tidbit: with kids there’s no time to do things but there’s LOTS of time to THINK about things eg when watching them, doing dishes, etc. I would have 100x more time to think about what I could do with the business than I actually had to be on my laptop to do them. It was absolutely maddening.
EDIT to add: I do believe having kids is one of the most beautiful, fulfilling and noble acts most of us can do, and in fact for most people (who spend most of their free time on entertainment) it’s the right thing… but the sacrifice is far greater for some than others.
I would agree with OP, especially if your goal is to be a good parent. If you want do just basics of parenting, then it is not hard to pursue other goals.
I got young kids who definitely need a lot of personal attention, got appointments, playdates, driving around, etc. I could cut out a lot of these activities but then they end up watching tons of TV. I keep thinking once they are older, then I will have more time for personal projects but my friends with older kids are just as busy. If their kid is in sports, then forget about any freetime. They are always driving them to trainings, games, etc. One friend wakes up 3 in the morning to drive their kid to swim practice. They sleep in the car for 2-3 hours, then take their kid to school.
If your kids are not in the sports, then it does not look as bad but it seems they are always doing driving for their kids.
But I also think part of being a great parent is to teach your kids to pursue their dreams. And the best way to teach that is by showing them how you pursue your own dreams. Now how to do it all without burning out, I am still trying to figure out. (Or maybe I need to accept that it is not possible to do so)
Different parents, people really, have different needs for alone - deep thinking or wind-down time. I need a lot. Others don't need any. I think it's important to understand how much you can limit this time before you have children.
Sleep when the baby sleeps. Eat when the baby eats. Do the dishes when the baby does dishes.
More realistically:
1. If you're raising the baby with a spouse, communication is going to be wildly important. Be more explicit than you think you need to be about things - you're both going to be tired, and it's all too easy to make an uncharitable assumption.
2. One thing that worked for us, re: night-time, was shifts. My wife was responsible for the baby waking up until ~4am, and then I was responsible for her waking up after that - meaning, whoever's shift it was, was responsible for getting up, feeding the baby if she needed to be fed, and getting her soothed back to sleep. It ensured that while we didn't actually get eight straight hours, there was a solid six-ish hour period during which one of us at least didn't have to get out of bed.
Your mileage may vary on that; if y'all are bottle-feeding, then it'll be much easier. If not, then your spouse is probably not going to get as much of a break.
3. Lean hard on any family members or friends who are willing to help, but make sure you tell them what you need. If what you need is prepared meals dropped off, and then for them to fuck off and leave the three of you alone, tell them that. If you need them to watch the baby for two hours in the afternoon while you nap (or read, or just go for a walk to be alone), make sure they know that's what you need.
4. I got a baby bjorn and loved it; wearing a baby means she's comfortable, and you're comfortable, and your hands are free. My wife preferred a different style, though.
5. This is one of the top five most difficult things your spouse and you will go through. Seriously, accept that and understand that you will get mad at your spouse, your spouse will get mad at you, you'll both get mad at the baby, your baby will be mad at you. It's going to be wildly stressful. You'll make it through it, though - as long as you remember point 1, communicate, and understand that it gets better, easier, and more fun.
edit: I'm also in a Slack for dads, most of whom are also in tech - let me know if you'd like an invite.
Having done both a shared shift nighttime schedule, and an alternating days nighttime schedule, I strongly recommend doing alternating days. Getting decent sleep every other day is a huge improvement over constant deprivation.
>let me know if you'd like an invite.
I'd like one :) Tried googling you as per profile to msg, but most of your social profiles are under verification before communication, so I'd ask here too, how could you send me an invite?
Mom here with some technological advice: put down your phone. Screens are terrible babysitters, they teach the absolute worst lesson. And I'm not talking about the content on the screen, I'm talking about the dopamine that the screen triggers. Put down your phone, don't use screens as a babysitter. You will regret every hour your child spends in front of a screen, but latency is on the order of years. Be the adult you want your kid to grow into.
That said, you're gonna make mistakes. That's one of the harder lessons in patenting, I think. There's no takebacks. Nobody's gonna swoop in to save you. There's only tomorrow. Children will forgive you if you make a mistake, apologize, learn, and avoid the mistake in the future.
Seconding this. Every time I see a young child in a stroller staring at a screen, I have to fight to stop myself from grinding my teeth into a fine powder.
A lot of fantastic high level advice. I'll give some concrete ones.
1. Get them onto a regular sleep schedule as soon as possible. Use whatever methods you prefer. Sleep deprivation will literally destroy your (mom and dad) physical and mental health.
2. Stock on baby supply, diapers, baby wipe, formula, bottles, nipples, breast milk bags, etc.. That's not something you want just-in-time supply chain. You don't want to be out looking for the right size diaper at night when you haven't slept in 2 days.
3. Unless you have a massive support system, your life will be on hold for a little bit. Finding a good nanny takes time and a lot of luck. If you or your wife become stay-at-home parent, that just means the working person now has two jobs, regular 9-5 AND provide relief to the other. Accept it and embrace it.
4. There will be negative feelings, anger, resentment, whatever. Talk it out, or get therapy. Don't bottle up. Post-partum depression is real for moms. Dads need help too.
A lot of what makes a kid turn into a "good" adult are well outside of your control. The best advice is about how to make parenting easier and more enjoyable for you in the long run. The more fun you have parenting, the more parenting you will end up doing.
Any good habit you start early will pay off dividends later. Anything you let slide will agonize you for years and years.
Most advice you find online is useless. "Mommy-bloggers" have SEO spammed the internet with waste. It's either some form of extreme child micromanagement, or rituals designed for people with saint-like patience or time on their hands. Get your advice from real people - pediatricians, parents, friends, etc.
>Most advice you find online is useless. "Mommy-bloggers" have SEO spammed the internet with waste. It's either some form of extreme child micromanagement, or rituals designed for people with saint-like patience or time on their hands. Get your advice from real people - pediatricians, parents, friends, etc.
I wonder if someone else can chime in here, but I've found that ChatGPT's answers should be on-par with these mom-fluencers.
I have two flourishing adult children. Here are some things from experience not to do;
* Do not accidentally drop them on their head
* Do not accidentally dislocate their elbow.
* Do not put their shoes on the wrong feet when taking them for a walk.
* Do not put them on a snow sleigh on a steep hill with a river at the bottom.
* Do not neglect them in a bookshop while reading computer books and then turn to watch them being dragged heavenward up the outside of an escalator to the next floor.
And things to do;
* If a Father/Daughter
* Do not make fun of her, even as a baby, baby girls understand more than you think
* When she is an older girl buy her a beautiful pair of shoes/boots of her choice. She will not forget it.
* If a Father/Son
* When he can walk take him to the forest and let him choose a stick.
* When he is older teach himself how to defend himself e.g. someone grabs him by throat, stamp on their foot.
When they are in their 20s;
* If they live in the same city go for a walk/coffee with them every week or two.
Family is all about walking, talking, eating and playing. Work is about paying the bills. Service is what we do for others.
Thank you. I thought that among the cereberal answers I would try and communicate that new parents shouldn't worry too much. The fact the op is asking for input is already an indication of their care and concern.
I heard that advice many times, agreed with it, but still didn't really feel the weight of it until now, as my kids reach that range. It's bittersweet -- you see them blossoming into ever more amazing and beautiful versions of themselves, and you realize that you have even less time to be around them.
> The best advice I ever got was to internalize this: “the days are long but the years are short”.
100%. I can't count the time I picked up my infant / toddler and simply held then and felt their warmth. I also can't remember the last time that happened.
Your kids will model their behavior after yours. If you want them to be kind, show them kindness. If you want them to value reading, read to them, and read in front of them.
Their sleep schedule is sacred, for their well being, and yours. Plan your social life around making sure they are in bed at their scheduled bed time, every time. When your child is able to sleep through the night it is one of the first milestones that dramatically improves your quality of life. Allow them to keep their mid day nap as long as they will take it. These are key productivity hours for you and your significant other for the next several years!
Kids can potty train earlier than you may think. I potty trained mine at 20 months, over an extended weekend. When your kid is potty trained it is another milestone that dramatically improves your quality of life, and saves a lot of money you were spending on diapers.
Maybe take a look at Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care (latest edition). Great book with good advice. My personal experience:
1. Prepare to be exhausted for a long time (about 2 years) - you can't do much about it, this is just the way it is. After 18 months it will get better.
2. Support your partner as much as possible - she's proably even more exhausted and keep watching the emotions (postpartum depression is underestimated)
3. Try to involve the grandparents to help you as much as they can, if possible.
4. Don't force your child too sleep or try to apply techniques that sound weird (like leaving your child crying until it sleeps or put it into another room). This is not the right way... some children do sleep well and some don't. Hope for the best and take care as much as possible.
5. Hold your child as much as possible, skin to skin. It will improve the relationship. Best case cuddle together with every member of the family.
6. Listen to your heart. If something doesn't feel right (even if everybody is telling you to do so), it's probably wrong.
7. If it's possible, breastfeeding is the best a child can get. Don't force the child into stopping after 6 months... just keep going as long as you (or your partner can).
7b. Later, try to cook healthy (oat flakes, vegetables, a few fruits) - as little sugar as possible.
8. Prevent stress wherever you can. Cook more than one meal at a time, organise your day to have breaks.
9. Spend time with your family. Work may be fulfilling, but you can never go back in time to see your child grow up. Try to get some time with your partner alone - this is more important than you may notice.
10. Don't be to hard to yourself. There will be times you can't follow all these rules. You will be angry, scream, argue, etc. It's ok as long as it is not too much.
+ Baby first.
Mama second.
You 3+n where
n=dogs in family.
+ You don’t get it back.
It is life.
+ It will take a lot of work
To actually screw up.
+ In the next few decades
You will grow too.
Hopefully as much
as your child.
It would be a shame
Not to.
+ Do it right and they will
Become a busy adult
And you will miss
Them like hell.
+ Talk to your child
As a person from day one.
One time I was fly fishing with a baby on my back sleeping in his carrier pack. I managed to hook him the back of the head. Plucked the fly out and kept fishing, the kid did not even wake up! Kids are tougher then you expect.
The "Elimination Communication" thing is awesome if you can get it working. One baby it worked 90% and the other about 60%.
When baby gets to about 3 try "Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons", it is not easy but it is simple and it works.
Watch out for postpartum depression. If you see symptoms, do not hesitate to seek psychiatric care immediately. Do not fight back if the psychiatrist suggests a stay at a facility, it's the best chance to adjust medication and get back to normal as quickly as possible.
As a tiny piece of advice: keep earmuffs or earplugs or noise-canceling earbuds around — sometimes babies are loud, and it’s easier to stay calm and far less unpleasant with appropriate PPE on hand.
Totally true. I have definitely popped in my AirPods before dealing with a screaming little one. You can still hear them loud and clear, they don't take offense, and it's easier to remain calm in the face of their screaming.
If you ever can't find a pacifier just go buy a pack of 12 on Amazon, there's no reason to stress over a pacifier. Also get the baby used to a brand you have several of.
More importantly, enjoy the early days because the rate of change will never be this high again. The first week is special. The first month is special. Form as many memories as you can. The 8th year and the 9th year are mostly the same. Time will take those early days from you, you can't stop it. Complacency will take the later years from you, but you can stop that one, mostly.
Healthy children get easier and easier to manage and your time will open up. Do not jump to assume your life is over and that you can no longer be ambitious. Give it time, and use this time as a father to shape yourself for the future. Being a father is an extremely unique experience and grants men unique abilities and willpower that no one has until they become one themselves.
For now, just focus on sleep. This is, by far, the most difficult issue to deal with for parents. It's not only the most difficult, but it can be dangerous. It can break relationships and even hurt others around you, including yourself. My personal suggestion is to ignore whatever your pediatrician or anyone says about "infants can't be put on a schedule" — they're wrong. Get them on a schedule. Even if the newborn isn't following it, you are actually setting them up to follow it as they grow a little. We got our first on a schedule within 2 months and sleeping predictably and through the entire night. Do your best to set baby down at the same times and be consistent, and watch everyone else get salty.
All kids are different. Most people's experiences won't be the same as yours. Psychologists actually do a decent job at comparing experiences, but they don't really give useful advice, only help you to understand that it's normal.
Whatever it is, you probably have to wing it. Be mindful and observe everything.
Everything is a system. Kids act on each other and on you. It's sometimes a balancing loop, sometimes a reinforcing loop, aka they'll fight or they'll keep each other in check. Systems engineering helps a ton in discipline. People say parenting is the hardest job but IMO it doesn't have to be. The nature of systems is that they're stable without any outside action. If you're kids aren't brushing their teeth or wearing their seatbelts, check your system.
But one major piece of advice: (My) Kids can't sleep when they're too tired, and they end up tired all the time because they don't sleep. Again, this doesn't apply to all parents - one of my friends has kids who would run and climb everything until they're red in the face, and they'd behave if given that outlet. But try to get them to sleep early, especially as babies.
Also, one other comment that hasn't been mentioned.
Having one kid is actually pretty easy. There are two of you, one of them. One of you is always resting at any given time.
When you have two kids it's a big change. If you're sharing responsibilities equally, now you're putting one of them to bed every night. And you're with at least one of them all the time, and if you're not, the other is handling both (harder on them).
And with two kids you're starting to see inter-child conflict, so it's not just managing two separate kids, but also their interactions.
In the long run having two kids can be beneficial because eventually they start entertaining each other. Currently, my boys are around 2 and 4, and things are starting to settle / they play with each other. If you just have the one, one of you is always going to need to be with them.
If you have three kids it's pretty intense. If you have four.. don't have four unless you fully understand what you're getting into.
When and if you have a second one, let the older one choose a middle name for the new kid. For our sons (with a five year difference between them), it gave big brother a share in the process, something more than just this new thing popping into the family. They've gotten along pretty well for 29 years now.
Many will tell you to enjoy each moment because they grow up so fast. It's true, and it's alright.
The only thing you owe to your future self is the knowledge that you have been fully present while your kid grows up. That, and as many pics and videos your NAS and backup can hold.
You're going to have losses. Lost free time, lost sleep, lost freedom. The losses are real. But don't spend so much time focused on the losses that you miss the gains. Be there for your child. Be there mentally, not off thinking about how much you'd like to have back the free time you used to have. Don't miss the joy of having this child because you're too busy looking at the losses.
Consider hiring a housekeeper. It's a great way to support your wife. Yeah, you need to up your game in terms of helping around the house, too, but if you can afford it, get mom some help, even if only for the first N months.
Always have a stack of paper towels, or wet wipes with you at all times. You'll do this until they're 5 or so.
They go through clothes at a prodigious rate, it's ok to shop 2nd hand stores. A whole new universe of places you walked right past will appear. (Or, does everyone just get everything on Amazon these days? My child is 17)
Always keep boys covered when changing them, girls are easier to deal with.
Their face will change at least 5 times in the first 2 years, lots of photos and videos are comforting to look back on later in life. I still love watching the "Peek a boo" videos I made so very long ago... they always make me smile.
In addition to other advice. Make sure all the things are safe. If you have a back garden, pond, pool, blinds with cords. Smoke alarms. Etc.
Buy second hand as much as possible. Don’t to a baby show where they sell new and non discounted stuff.
If breastfeeding doesn’t work out so be it. Ignore the nazis on this topic.
Something in advance is make sure you have a job that ain’t stressful, where your mind isn’t occupied stressfully about the job at home. Probably means planning 2 years ahead to change job if this is the case.
You might want to apply for daycares, primary and high schools soon. Depending on your area.
You do not need any products, services or books. (well, I would recommend a baby sling and body carrier, not a pram)
You need to be present, responsive and kind. You need to put others first and put up with a bit of shit, but also draw a reasonable line. Once you realise that you are there to serve, and remove your ego, the hard work becomes fun.
Read to your kid, talk to them and treat them as a fellow human.
Don't believe too much of what you hear. Things like 'your baby must sleep here in a crib' or 'babys need this food' or 'you need to teach your baby discipline'.
> You do not need any products, services or books.
You’re overstating it. You need a car seat in almost all of the US. A safe place to put the baby is also important — this can be a bassinet, a foldable crib, a very expensive gadget, a nice cardboard box with a mat inside (go Finland!), or even just a folded up towel in a pinch. (What qualifies as “safe” varies as the baby gets older and more capable.)
Some form of diaper is extremely useful, but you don’t need those at birth — hospitals give away piles of diapers. Once the baby is born, you can figure out what size you need. (Hint: skip the scented diapers, that is the normal Pampers style. Most other diapers are unscented.)
> Breast is best.
Maybe true. But bottle-feeding-shaming is the worst, and I expect that being a well-fed baby with happy parents is far, far more important than being a breast-fed baby.
A lot of people around you will be very generous with their opinions and advice while often neglecting the part where you're supposed to gather context before offering any words. Think of it as writing code before knowing the details of the problem that you wouldn't be able to reproduce anyway. You can do it and I've seen many people try but it's quite an ineffective way to build software solutions.
- You want them to find something that they enjoy a lot as they grow.
- Giving them something they are responsible for is unbelievably important. I have seen that lack of responsibility can lead to anxiety and much worse.
- Every age has it's challenges and benefits. I have fond memories for when the kids were young but don't think I could handle it at my age. Teenage years involved a lot of serious issues.
What helped for me: accept it for a while, really accept it, try to enjoy it, even if it is painful - the little things. Stay strong. Solutions will pop up. Just keep your own todos in your mind and start them when you see some gaps in your schedule. I think it is a good thing to be forced to get to know yourself in this new circumstances - it is a parents-only experience
Ignore advice and trust your gut (and your wife's gut) on most things. Most of the parenting decisions I regretted were the ones where other people or books told me I "should" do something, but where my gut said otherwise. Knowing when to trust your gut is key, but my general rule is as long as I'm not acting out of urgency or stress, then I almost always trust my gut.
To add on, parental (and oftentimes maternal, specifically) instinct knows things much before they are obvious. Parents often know a child is sick from their behaviour much before a doctor will admit the same. Stand up for your and your baby’s health, and seek second and third opinions instead of gaslighting yourself by going “oh I guess the baby always cried this way at night, I suppose I misremembered”.
Sleep when you can. That's really my only piece of advice in the first couple of months, as long as your newborn isn't sleeping regularly you need to catch your Z's at every opportunity. Don't allow yourself to become exhausted. Everything else will be much easier if you keep your reserves topped up.
Don't (you or your partner) be afraid to ask for help from family, friends, or medical professionals. Being a parent is an amazing, rewarding experience. But it can also take a physical and psychological toll. Trying to work through it or tough it out is a bad strategy.
Take other people's advice based on their own experience with copious amounts of salt. Babies are small humans, and as such could be very different. How they sleep, how they eat, and how they do anything at all will be as varied as how varied adults are.
If it’s a boy, I would just let you know that he’s going to pee everywhere during diaper changes. Not all the time—only when you least expect it. Keep your cool and try not to leave stuff downstream that you wouldn’t want pee on.
I found it's better to let the child decide when to drop the diapers.
The first time around we heard the "specialists" and it really stressed the little boy. We gave up and let him decide and it went perfectly, as it did with our second child.
I mean, it's often a reaction to the cold air on previously insulated parts. :D When we were doing diapers, we found it helpful to have the replacement prepped as a shield ;)
If it's a girl, read Strong Fathers - Strong Daughters.
If it's a boy, read Strong Mothers - Strong Sons.
(even if you aren't the mother, it's a useful book).
- Make time for your partner.
Both to continue nurturing your relationship, give each other alone time, and keep communication open (and on a relaxed tone). I cannot stress this enough.
- Set routines early.
Even before our kids slept through the night, we started routines. You don't have to go crazy. Bath-time at Xpm, reading by Xpm, sleep by Xpm. Does wonders as they age.
- Sounds silly, but understand every kid is different.
You'd be surprised how much their personalities seem formed even as tiny babies. What works for one kid might not work for another, even though you figure out strategies. (Ex. reverse psychology really does work at 7y for some reason).
- No one gives you a blueprint. Don't beat yourself up.
Accept now that your actions will have unintended consequences. My wife and I are very intentional about our parenting because of bad upbringings. When you screw up, acknowledged where it was and what you can do in the future, but give yourself some leeway. It's not like they give us rule-books for this stuff.
- Find a support ASAP.
Most parents I know have almost no support, and it shows. If your parents or grandparents or other family are there, speak up when you need help. Someone doing your dishes or giving you a night off is big. But cars will break down, you'll wonder how you're going to juggle everything. Find people you can trust.
- Read early and read often.
Self-explanatory. Our kids are insane readers because we read to them constantly from the beginning. Whenever they wanted.
Echo this. We paid a lot for 24/7 postpartum nannies, au pairs, and other kinds of nannies. Good quality liquid formula so my wife could catch up on sleep. Various appliances, strollers, car seats, toys, etc. There is some narrative out there that throwing money at the problems is cheating, missing out on bonding time, not as good for the child, etc. It's pretty much all lies, in my opinion to make some people feel better about not being able to afford these things. Years later, we have healthy young children and have loving relationships with them. But almost equally as important, my wife and I had lots of time to relax, recharge, and take care of our physical and mental health.
I worked these obnoxious high pressure tech jobs for many years, and now is when I get to reap the benefits.
Take lots of videos. At least 10 minutes per day of your baby.
For everything else, just trust your instinct.
Put career second. Baby first. You will have plenty of time later to make it up.
Set rules, not boundaries. What do I mean by that? When out for walks, we’d tell the kids that they had to stay on the path, they could go as far as they wanted.. as long as we could see them and they could see us. Oh, and keep a close eye on your parents., they are easily distracted. What happened? When they were 2 they went 5 meters.. by 8 years old they go to the curve in the path.. and come back to tell us we had wandered off again!
It was awesome. We never had to yell at them.. they had clear and simple limits.
That worked really well, but we had to learn the hard way not to set expectations we couldn’t absolutely control and guarantee. Let’s go have ice cream and the favourite place.. oh no. They’re closed.. meltdown. Let’s wander that way and see what we find.. much safer.
Congratulations! Enjoy it!
As a crossing guard at my local high school told me: "Welcome to the Brotherhood!"
Every baby is different and you should take all advice with a huge grain of salt, including the ones listed here.
Don't be afraid to ask for help. Everyone pays attention to the child but you and your partner will need help too managing this new life transition. Even if you're not the birthing parent, you too have also gone through this massive change in time, mental space, and life meaning.
Also, unless there's extenuating circumstances, don't make any big life changes (new job, divorce, new house) in the first year. You aren't in the right headspace.
Don't stress about how others may feel about your child's inevitable public meltdowns. Every parent has had children who have a meltdown (tired? hungry? you said no?) in public, and we have all felt embarassed/etc. I guess I can't really speak for more than myself, but when I see a parent whose child is having a hard time, I can only feel compassion for the parent (I know how difficult it is in that moment) and for the child (they are usually also emotionally compromised).
I'm not going to think you're a bad parent, or that your child is bad, because they are wailing about some toy, or starfishing on the floor of Target. We've all been there. We've all had to escort the noisy ones out of quiet places (church, movie, restaurant, etc). As someone else said, welcome to the brotherhood. :)
There are no changing tables in the men’s room. Well, there are, but they’re rare, and the ones which are there are disgusting. You wouldn’t want to put your kid on that thing.
I have found them to be quite clean (though yes, rare). The cleanest place in the Stanford Shopping Center is the men's room at the American Girls store. Or rather, it was until the store closed last year. But that men's room was very rarely used, and the changing table was pristine.
Short answers:
Read, Count, Time, Answer whys, Allowance.
Details below:
Read: From the beginning, read. Baby brains have more brain cells than adults. The first 2 years the brain removes useless brain cells. If the brain knows words are important, it keeps them. It is why some people can never learn to speak like a foreign language like a native, they just do not have the brain cells to properly hear the sounds they are messing up. I have been told Japanese does not have an ‘L’ sound.
My kids could read before they started kindergarten. Not very well, but each could read their favorite book.
Corollary is to practice letters. It is not enough to have the letter chart on the wall, read them off.
Count: Similar to reading. Start as early as possible. Although I am sure there are exceptions, they have found that most kids, if they are good at math at the age of 5, are good at 10, 15, and 20. Likewise if they are bad, they never catch up.
Whys: You never want them to decide they cannot answer a question. Work hard at coming up with appropriate answers that are accurate. Occasionally toss in a ‘I do not know, why do you think it is?’. Later add more questions to spur thinking. ‘Why is the grass green’ I have often asked.
Time: Your kids will and do value your time with them, not the money you spend on them.
Allowance: I have seen many people struggle with finances. In the Majority (not all) cases, their childhood did not involve an allowance, they would just get things if their parents felt they could afford it.
When they are old enough, start giving an allowance. We did it with no chores expected. Chores are what you do because you are a family member, not because we pay you. When you go somewhere and they want a 'frozen lemonade' or a trinket, tell them they are welcome to it, with THEIR money. It is interesting to see how often the NEED disappears.
<way too long story> My son and I were at a festival when he was 7 or 8. I typically have a refillable water bottle with me. Now this was in Florida and it was a hot day. My son turned to me, clutching his throat, ‘Oh dad I am so parched’. I was impressed I did not know he knew the word ‘parched’. Me: ‘Oh that is so sad’ with a concerned look on my face, ‘what can we do about that?’ Son: (stammering for emphasis) ‘I, I think, I need a lemonade…’. Me (faked surprised look on face as I notice the frozen lemonade stand we just walked by) ‘That is a great idea, I think you should’. Son, with the biggest grin I had ever seen on his face, turned around to walk back to the frozen lemonade stand. He had only taken one step to the stand, when I added ‘with your money’. He stopped dead in his tracks. OMG you could see his brain contemplating what to do. He turned around and in a very casual voice, ‘Hey dad can I borrow your water bottle’. At that point I knew he valued money appropriately.
When I first planned out the allowance, I contemplated the alternative solution, which I had seen others play out. In the late teens, early twenties, many friends had to call their parents and beg for money to cover 3 months of rent (2 late and current). So far so good, I have saved money by providing an allowance.
Read and sing to your kid - even if you are an awful singer. I read and sang lullabys to both my kids from when they were weeks old. THey didn't understand, but the memory is worth it, and I continued to so nightly until they were 7 or 8...or until they repeatedly said "Daaaaad! I'm too old for lullabys and bedtime stories." Then just read one more :)
Spend ALL the time with your kid - the time FLIES and one day you'll look at your 14 year as he mouths off to you and wonder how just moments ago you were cuddling with him as you were trying to put him to sleep in his crib.
I'm a night owl, so i never suffered from 'sleepless' nights like so many people complain about. Once my son's could take formula (ie when my wife wasn't necessary for the feeding), those were my favorite times: my wife could stay asleep and I could just grab a bottle and sit up every few hours through the night and feed them. Just me and either of my kids. Cherish those moments.
It is no exaggeration when a parent or grandparent tells you "Enjoy this moment because they fly by and before you know it they are grown." 15 years from now you'll wish for the sleepless nights when you were holding your baby trying to soothe them back to sleep.
"Lead by example" - You try to teach your kids the things they should know and to be better than you. Sometimes that means doing things better than you did (ie teaching them from mistakes or bad habits you might have), but kids are perceptive and will "learn it by WATCHING you". "Do as I say, not as I do" is less effective than leading by example. BE the man you want your son to be or your daughter to end up with. It's very difficult to backtrack on this when you realize you've been the wrong example.
Around 10 or 11, they will stop needing you as much or seeing you as their only hero. Take full advantage of the years before this to be the hero you want them to have and remember.
Teenage boys will rebel against their father and test boundaries. If you've set god boundaries and led by good examples and taught them good fundamentals, they'll circle back once they realize who they are and that you have always loved them - even during the arguments.
Be careful with criticism - even when trying to be helpful and constructive. They have a funny way of remembering constructive criticism as "negativity" :)
Overflow with praise for them - when deserved. Reign it in - but give it - when it's less so. They'll know that when you say something, you mean it.
When they're older sometimes you have to be "the bad guy" to help them learn right from wrong. Stand your ground if you know you are right, but always let them know you love them and are willing to talk about whatever dilemma they are going through.
End of the day: Love them the best that you can and tell them that every single day.
The biggest question is: Do you prefer working with humans or working with computers?
If you prefer working with humans -- e.g. you had/ve a lot of (girl) friends; you prefer late drinks parties instead of drilling deep into some esoteric computer problem; you are not super intrigued by topics such as compiler design, operating system and such -- then you shouldn't have a lot of problems. After all the baby is just one of the humans you are going to interact.
If you prefer working with computers, well, let me say that judging from my own experience it's going to be a huge challenge to you -- so challenging that this is probably the biggest challenge unless World War 3 happens -- it has been that bad for me. I'm going to focus on the mental shock and preparations for the negatives. The others are easy, and you probably don't want me to repeat the up sides.
If you don't know which type you are -- try to figure out if you are REALLY REALLY excited about being a father. I mean REALLY REALLY REALLY excited, like getting a new life. If not, you are going to need the following information nevertheless. In my case, I actually didn't feel anything when the baby was born. No positive or negative feeling, nothing at all. Maybe I'm a weirdo.
Babies are the opposite pole of computers. It can't be bargained with, it can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity! Or remorse or fear and it absolutely will not stop! In the best case, babies are black boxes that you can poke with some input and all kinds of output fall out. In the worst case, they output regardless whether you poke them or not.
Where should I start? Ah yes -- first, you are going to lose a lot of sleep, perhaps forever. But I guess you already know that, so I'll skip it. Just remember -- however mentally prepared, you won't get use to it in the first month. But however bad you feel, you are going to get used to it after 6-12 months.
Secondly, you are going to lose a lot of free time, again perhaps for a long long time. This is way more serious than losing sleep, if you prefer work with computers. This basically means you are NOT going to have much refresh after work. You will always be on high-tension because you don't have the time to chill down with your lovely computer. The situation will gradually improve when they reach age of X -- X depends on your parenting style -- for me it was past 3 but I still don't think it's enough. I'm hoping to get most of my free time back when they reach middle school and start to resent me.
By losing a lot of time, you also lose hobbies and work. This is less for the father than the mother, who is usually the central figure of parenting for the first few years. Nevertheless it still hits the father too. You are basically stuck to one place, one career path and even one position -- and you definitely won't want to lose your job! By having a baby, you are turning yourself into a better clog of the machine that is called society.
The natural, scientific conclusion of the above is depression. I actually recommend book a few sessions with a therapist right now -- because I know you probably going to be depressed. You can't fight it alone. You are going to do bad things if you let it take you. Best case, you recover naturally in a couple of years when you get used to the situation. Worst case, well I don't know what is the worst case but you can imagine. I was lucky to recover without a therapist, but I still explode to anger occasionally for whatever reason.
What is worse is that people, including your wife and your parents, are not going to understand you. Your wife is most likely bathing in the excitement of being a mother, and your parents are probably excited about the continuation of their genes and one more toy to play with. It's a taboo to admit that you don't enjoy your parenting life, and it's almost a crime to admit that sometimes you hate it and want to leave it behind forever. You are alone in this. Actually -- ironically, only the baby is on your side as he/she loves you without a condition.
> You will always be on high-tension because you don't have the time to chill down with your lovely computer.
If there's a meta-lesson in this for the OP... Don't get stuck in the old equilibrium. Parenthood is a time of big changes - leave stuff in the past, allow yourself into new, unknown equilibriums. Yeah, you have no idea what they are or where they are, but they don't involve addictions, constant tension, or anyone's personality disintegrating.
I'm being insensitive, because I also don't understand you.
Thanks. That's fine. After 3 the situation becomes more manageable. A friend of mine was in the same shoes and 3 is the magic number. I think it has a lot to do with interactivities enabled after 3.
When I was a new father, another new father handed me this book: https://amzn.to/49odJYo
(disclaimer: it's a paid affiliate link)
I found it very useful. I then gave this book to yet another new father.
It's $10, probably less if you get a used copy. This book is worth 100 of these comments, and hopefully you find it as useful as I did, and can then pass it on to another new father.
I went through a "grieving" process of my new fate in life. It helped more when the baby started smiling. It helped more when she started sleeping through the night. It helped more as I internalized and built acceptance more.
If anyone wants to reach out on this aspect of fatherhood please reply and would love to get in touch.
EDIT: And goes without saying, but try all you can to get into a job/role that's remote and not super time-consuming or stressful. You will find it really valuable to have some of that 9-5 time when there's childcare (and also away from your spouse depending on the situation) to recharge and do whatever the F you want :)