Ask HN: Alone in my head with my SO

[tetris11]

Hi HN,

Is it normal to feel alone in your head during a relationship. I (35yo male) have a non-techie girlfriend (31yo female) who is just not that interested in what I do, or my online world.

It sometimes feels alienating to have this whole part of me that I just can't seem to bridge with her. I love her to pieces, and we both love and support each other in our lives. There's little conflict. Yet, when we go out into the world together I can't help but feel jealous of other couples who seem to talk more freely and interestedly with one another.

I just get the feeling we don't connect. We're currently at a crossroads after 3 years of me either going back to my home country to start anew, or staying with her and trying to start a family.

Are there any reasons I should stay? Am I just unappreciative of what I have and just have FOMO?

Any HNers out there in a similar situation? Please help.

[anigbrowl]

Are you interested in what she does? If the interest is one way rather than mutual, it's a challenge. Not necessarily a deal-breaker, but if you're lonely in your main relationship and you're not comfortable just keeping different parts of your life in different boxes, that will become more of a burden with time because you will keep feeling ignored.

Some of this feeling may overlap with being an immigrant. Consider going home for a week or two (call it a business trip if you want) to see how that shapes your emotional perspective.

[tetris11 → anigbrowl]

I am interested in what she does, but she takes no delight in explaining it to me, or explains it to me in a way that assumes I have no knowledge at all.

I was home last week and definitely felt more understood, even by random strangers in coffee houses. I felt instantly validated. I just never feel that with her, or rarely. It hurts because we genuinely have good chemistry together and I care deeply for her and her me

[jmercouris → tetris11]

I think you've made the decision in your head. The painful part can be admitting it. I wish you well.

[hammyhavoc]

Have you talked to her about it? Only you and her can figure it out. That you love her is a positive thing.

Partners can be like chalk and cheese. To expect a single human being to tick all of your boxes is naive. This is why people have friends and peers. Understanding that peers don't necessarily have to mean unfriendly competitors is a big one.

What do you want from the relationship long-term? Do you both want the kids you want to try for? Do you both want to build something? Anything? Have fun? Or have you not really sat and thought about it or spoken about it with her?

You have different kinds of relationships with different kinds of people. They're all different. Again, only you and her can answer these questions.

Here's a curveball question: have you ever considered that you might be autistic? I'm autistic, I have asked these sorts of questions before. You should want to stay because you love her and want a future with her.

Another curveball question: do you want kids generally, or do you specifically want kids with her?

[tetris11 → hammyhavoc]

We have talked, and we're currently freshly broken up. It's killing me. I've had breakups before, but this feels like I'm mourning a happy future with children where she would be a great mother. We both want kids.

We really bond over home repair and long bike rides and walks, but due to a language barrier, we struggle to convey complex topics to one another. It constantly feels like we're babying each other. When I speak with my colleagues who have better English, I constantly feel like I learn more from them than I ever will from her, and that makes me sad.

> You should want to stay because you love her and want a future with her.

Genuinely, I thought love was enough. I do want a future with her, but I also want her to be a little smarter and more perceptive and more interested in things around her. She's made great strides in the years we've been together; using wikipedia to learn the context of things, asking follow up questions to topics I bring up, she really tries... I'm just not sure if she will get there.

> Here's a curveball question: have you ever considered that you might be autistic?

Apparently I'm low on the spectrum according to an online quiz I just took

> Another curveball question: do you want kids generally, or do you specifically want kids with her?

I want to have kids, and I want her to have kids because she'd be a wonderful mother. It doesn't have to be with me, but I feel this sense of guilt that I'm robbing her of this future