I hope I can give people some context. I have never thought I would feel so down that I would consider ending my life. I don't mind poverty, I'm very flexible in relationships, lots of things in my life have not turned out the way I hoped. And of course, there are lots of things I never expected that have enriched my life (one of those things is programming).
But for the past 10 years I've been in pain every day. Even that is bearable (though most painkillers have no effect on my pain). The thing that has got me down though, is the pain that comes all through the night. Not being able to sleep night after night and the exhaustion that comes from it is the most depressing thing in my life.
Even then, I know things could be worse. I could be disfigured. I could have lost my sight.
Of course, those rationalisations are of little comfort when I'm being woken up for the 20th time, and bed feels like an implement of torture.
Most things in life are "fixable" if one changes one's attitudes and behaviour. But uncontrollable pain is depressing.
I don't know what constant pain is like, or if I would have the strength to hold out like you. If you ever want someone to talk to, you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I would love to hear your story.