Ask HN: Losing the drive to do everything alone

[bradlys]

I’m looking for a wife. I’ve basically lost all drive these last few months to go solo. I quit my job and started traveling with the intention of moving to NYC after I'm done traveling solely to find a partner. The stock market crash on growth stocks definitely hasn’t helped my enthusiasm here as it looks like I’m grinding alone for another decade. How does one go about finding a high earning partner? It doesn’t have to be in tech - I’m open to law, medicine, finance, etc. I’m looking for someone who is earning similar FAANG comp but I have no idea where to find these people. It seems like online dating has them but I’m not physically attractive enough for online dating. I don’t know if that’s a market I can actually get through to but I feel it’s my only real option. At this point - I’m thinking of forking over $50k on image consultation, photos, personal training, and surgery to get me closer. I have already had surgery but it seemed to be inconsequential - so, I am not optimistic here.

I’m practically ready to settle for someone who wears a bag over their face and is a mute in order to just get by in life as long as they can pay the bills but I can’t even find that. Where do these people exist? How do you find a high earning partner who is single? I’ve found many that aren’t single but none that are.

I’m also wanting kids and I’m totally willing to be a SAHP. If mommy wants to play corporate wargames, be my guest. I’ll even pay for a surrogate if she’s worried about pregnancy woes! (Please get me out of corporate wargames!)

I suspect many of you - like most of my peers - met your partner in college, grad school, or very shortly thereafter. For those who didn't though (and in the last five years preferably since the dating market has changed drastically in the last 5-10 years) - any tips?

[gtvwill]

Erf this post is filled w red flags. No offence mate but you got some personal growth and development to do before you go settling down. Maybe shoulda spent more time growing your person rather than your wealth in your early years.

[bradlys → gtvwill]

It was not focusing on finding a similarly earning partner as to why I’m divorced now. Emotionally - I’m a catch. My ex wife and most women agree. Physically - I just don’t match with what most women want these days.

[mr90210]

Hey mate, as it takes courage to open up like that, I congratulate you for taking that step.

Because you said you are losing the drive, I strongly recommend to work from within so that you regain your drive, confidence, mojo, whatever the inner thing that will make you wake up with the desire of conquering the world.

Before spending those 50k, what do you think about joining a gym, maybe hire a coach to help you lose some weight and get into a better shape?

Regular workout will boost key hormones in your body, ultimately leading to increase in your drive.

I think you can do it man.

Don’t give up and stay strong!

Book recommendation:

You Can’t Hurt Me - David Goggins

[bradlys → mr90210]

I’m 5’10” and 150lb - weight loss isn’t the issue. Body composition and gaining muscle mass is all I need to do. (I mean - gain a few inches of height would be nice but I’m not willing to go that far) Surgery would help with facial issues. (I’m okay but not good)

The rest being figuring out an image that sells well to modern high earning women is what I’d need help with. My image currently definitely isn’t pulling them out of the woodwork to find me.

[ricopags → bradlys]

Maybe focus less on the 'image problem' and more on building an embodied internal sense of joy and wonder. Being a person worth getting to know goes a long way to finding someone. You can possess more of a spark of attraction by believing yourself to be worthy of a mate.

Also doing away with the framing you have on physical attractiveness may help. I would suggest putting that 50k into yoga and improv training and a relationship counselor to unwind any buried issues you may have lurking that are creating 'leaky energy'.

Wanting overmuch the thing you don't have sends exactly the opposite message you're trying to. Desperation reeks.

[bradlys → ricopags]

Except that with online dating your point is moot. When is the last time you were single?

[unifyjs]

First up - don't take the harsh tone of some commenters to heart. It can be difficult for people to put themselves in your shoes!

As a 44 year old single male with very average looks who beat (smashed the sh!t out of) stage 4 bowel cancer about 4 years ago, I can somewhat identify with what you are going through. Perhaps the main difference between you and I is that I f^%$ing love life.

Some thoughts / ideas that you may find helpful:

- How much alcohol do you drink? If the answer is anywhere near "a lot", stop that right now. I decided to do Dry July in support of the Australian Cancer Council, and it's remarkable the thoughts and emotions you are forced to deal with when you can't drown them with booze. After 12 days, the mental clarity and energy I have is simply amazing.

- Try to stop focusing on money. You do not need to earn $500k per year to be happy, let alone find someone else that does, too! I could be doing government contracts and earning similar amounts (also, I quit my job at Microsoft in Redmond about 5 years ago), but instead I choose to work a 4 day week for a funded "startup" where the work is so much more creative and meaningful. I really look forward to going to work now!

- Related to above, start (or focus more) on personal projects that stimulate your creative, intellectual mind. Rediscover the joy of learning.

- Your children are a blessing even if they are hard work sometimes - try to rediscover the joy there (disclaimer: I do not have kids of my own but really enjoy spending time with friend's children of all ages).

- Exercise. This is really important! Find an activity that you enjoy - it doesn't have to be hitting the gym, just something that raises your heart rate - and do it several times a week. Not only will this make you more attractive to women, it will stimulate your body into producing more of the hormones that make you happier. You never know, you might just meet your wife at said activity.

If you can find contentment in yourself again, finding a wife becomes secondary to simply enjoying life.

Finally - if you struggle with the internal mental and emotional side of things (it seems clear that you do?), you need to fix this. Psychotherapy is not just for crazy people! I do not condone the use of illicit substances, but the fastest and easiest way to rewire your brain is through psychedelics such as psilocybin and LSD. If you are in doubt, I highly recommend watching "Fantastic Fungi" on Netflix. It will blow your mind!

HTH!

[stevenalowe]

It sounds like you don’t want a wife/partner, you want a parent.

This will not turn out well; consider counseling to identify the real problems

Good luck!

[bradlys → stevenalowe]

I mean a parent of my kids - sure. A parent of me? lol why?

If I wanted a sugar momma then sure. But I just want someone who is also making $500k+. I hate being sole bread winner and doing all the work around the house and raising the kids and expected to get us both fatFIRE by 45. My ex wife was like that. Super annoying.

[yes_really → stevenalowe]

It does not sound like OP wants a parent at all.

[stevenalowe → yes_really]

“I’m practically ready to settle for someone who wears a bag over their face and is a mute in order to just get by in life as long as they can pay the bills…”

“Parent” was a charitable interpretation of whatever darkness this is.