Why is being avoidant "babying" yourself and thus bad?
Taking the first example of arriving early at a dinner party with hosts you aren't familiar with, why do we need to bully ourselves into arriving early? From my perspective, the "adult" thing to do would be to wholly own whichever decision we make and the resulting consequences. Not showing up earlier with means you lose out on a great chance at making a meaningful connection with someone new, but it's more comfortable and hey, sometimes we're just out of social energy, that's okay too.
Taking the second example of a building mosh pit, if a large group of people are moshing, and all your friends are comfortable, maybe it's a sign that things are safer than you think. In that case, I would think that staying would provide an opportunity to move outside of your comfort-zone and maybe experience something new, and that's definitely not babying yourself. Nor is it treating your friends as babies, since you are relying on their judgment. And as the author states, we're also free to move to the back: that's not treating anyone as a baby either. In my mind, the key is again owning the decision and the consequences.
> Your own choices in these situations might go in different parts of the graph. I think it’s less about the specifics and more about understanding what it means to assert—but not baby—yourself, given who you are and what you need.
That's why the author proposes asking yourself "am I being avoidant?" In the mosh pit example, the answer might be "yes" if you trust that what applies to your friends applies to you. If you really are out of social energy, you might answer "no" and take a little extra time at the wine shop.
The substance here is "check in with yourself rather than automatically doing what's easy or comfortable" not "make the same decision I would."
Taking the first example of arriving early at a dinner party with hosts you aren't familiar with, why do we need to bully ourselves into arriving early? From my perspective, the "adult" thing to do would be to wholly own whichever decision we make and the resulting consequences. Not showing up earlier with means you lose out on a great chance at making a meaningful connection with someone new, but it's more comfortable and hey, sometimes we're just out of social energy, that's okay too.
Taking the second example of a building mosh pit, if a large group of people are moshing, and all your friends are comfortable, maybe it's a sign that things are safer than you think. In that case, I would think that staying would provide an opportunity to move outside of your comfort-zone and maybe experience something new, and that's definitely not babying yourself. Nor is it treating your friends as babies, since you are relying on their judgment. And as the author states, we're also free to move to the back: that's not treating anyone as a baby either. In my mind, the key is again owning the decision and the consequences.