I was diagnosed over a year ago and have yet to "come out" for fear of the exact things the author describes ("but you don't seem autistic", "yeah we're all a little like that", etc.). It's hard to understand what someone struggles with when they've spent their whole lives being trained to hide it.
Imagine having tremendous back pain since birth, so that multiple times a day you need to lie down for an hour. You tell people about it and they just say "you don't look like you're in pain", or "yeah everyone has back pain", and they imagine you weak for being so affected by it. As a child you were raised that it's taboo to manage your back pain, so you often have to make up excuses to go secretly lie down.
You even believe yourself that you are just a failure for needing to do this when everyone else can soldier on. You have to turn down hikes, trips, even relationships; if a friend invites you over you need to make sure there's an exit strategy, or at least a place you can secretly take a break if you have a spike.
This is what my life is like. I have been trained to look like I'm not in pain -- to hide my shutdowns and meltdowns and hypersensitivities, through willpower or through physically removing myself. It affects my work, my relationships, and my daily life, but the worst part is just the pain itself.
You don't have to imagine this - it happens a lot today. A large number of painful gynecological procedures are done with no pain management besides the doctor saying "This might pinch a little".
No opinion one way or the other regarding this specific case, however I'd like to note that both general and local anesthetics can have serious side-effects. There were even relevant horror-stories in HN comments.
A specific issue is that anesthesiologists are not necessarily available for all medical procedures. Perhaps it's better to err on the side of pain if the gynecologist is alone?
The vast majority of gynecology procedures are scheduled - the fact that they don’t intend to do pain management and therefore don’t plan so that anesthetists are available is an effect of not doing pain management, not a cause.
Maybe if we could just do economies of scale for insurance, maybe including every person, it could be much cheaper. Also, no shady lobbying everywhere anymore.
Cost is not a consideration until after they have decided that pain management would be valuable, so it can't be relevant in a scenario where it wasn't considered in the first place.
Odd the article entirely leaves out what tooth was being worked on. The upper back molars are very close to the brain, and Wisdom teeth are connected to the central nervous system, so it is not really a head-scratcher brain damage could occur if the ophthalmologist slipped, or if the patient was hyper-reactive to the anesthesia and jerked while the doctor was working. But in both cases, the doctor should have noticed.
and whatever the case, the risks should be told to the patient. informed consent after all.
statistically pain management is very safe, and medical procedures cause a lot of stress and discomfort, and it'd be good to manage that especially for patients who are not used to those procedures. (eg. kids, or anyone who gets a chronic disease diagnosis and and has to go through various scopies like colonoscopy).
The old joke about the dentist saying this "may hurt a little" suddenly realising the patient is holding the dentist's testicles. "This may hurt a little" says the patient.
You'll feel some "slight pressure and moderate discomfort" was how I heard an induction described. The party experiencing the procedure described it as, paraphrasing, "the most excruciating pain I've ever felt," but with many more words I won't reproduce here.
Yea, I pretty excited when I found out because it provided answers and tools, but mentioning it to anyone did not result in similar excitement, instead some took it almost like an insult to them. Didn’t take long before I stopped talking about it.
I’m sorry this has happened to you. I’ve had a chronic sickness for three years now and whenever I’m impacted by it I’m met with polite confusion. “Oh, isn’t that over?”
I have had depression for pretty much as long as I can remember anything at all and this feels relatable. I can't say anything smart or helpful though.
This has been a life long struggle for me and I empathise with the frustration and loneliness.
From my own experience, 9 out of 10 people will not understand and will say anything to “be polite”. But those few people who do listen (even if they don’t understand) are worth finding.
I was diagnosed 3.5 years ago, the week after I turned 37.
It's really interesting to see/hear/interpret the range of responses from people. Some people aren't surprised by it at all. Others completely disagree with the diagnosis and will say something. And others will obviously disagree and not say anything. And some even responded in ways that don't make much sense at all. (One of my best, long-term friends responded with "well, you've always been a great friend to me!" when I texted him the diagnosis). And others will just not say anything and will avoid the conversation.
I'll say that the myriad of responses is insanely confusing and, for me, definitely contributed to my confusion/isolation after the diagnosis. It took a long time for me to counter other people's completely-uninformed opinions, but what I've found to really help is to remind myself of the facts:
1 - I received this diagnosis from a trained professional. The process was long and thorough, and I believe I did an equally sufficient job of representing how I may fit on the spectrum as well as how I may not.
2 - The ADHD assessment I took (two years later and, again, with a trained professional) also identifies ASD and the results of the assessment skew in exactly the way it most commonly skews for those on the spectrum.
3 - The people who knew me before I really leared to mask are the ones who see my diagnosis as obvious. The ones who knew me after I started drinking (I quit drinking 8 years ago) and while/after I learned to mask are the ones who doubt it most.
4 - The ones who doubt it have absolutely zero training and have done zero research into what it actually means to be on the spectrum.
5 - Exes (and my girlfriend at the time of the diagnosis) who I have actually lived with, the ones I still talk to, are the least surprised by the diagnosis. One, who is a therapist, even suspected it.
6 - The "most autistic" things I do, I keep out of the view of others. So, of course their perception will be skewed.
7 - Alcohol can really dampen the social aspects of ASD. I used to be a frequent and heavy-ish drinker in social situations. Which led me to quit, years before my diagnosis. As soon as I quit drinking, my social life and friend circle tanked. Anecdotally, this seems very common with folks on the spectrum who also drink socially.
I don't know if that helps, but it helped me tremendously to lay all of that out in a way that reduces the impact on my psyche as a result of others' doubt. And it also took me _years_ to really see that objectively in a way that's only beginning to put up an emotional/psychological boundary between what my uninformed friends believe and what I know to be true.
On top of that, if anyone wants to doubt me again, I have a solid list of things I can present. And they can choose to believe them or not. But I am now far more clear on where I stand and can be far less swayed/affected by another person's doubts.
I hope you're able to find a similar steadiness in it. It can be really hard, but if you can work through the process, it might be pretty rewarding and validating.
Oh boy, reading through this comment section is a hard pill to swallow.
I have always had memory problems and I can recall hardly anything that happened a year ago.
When meeting up with friends I will prepare stories to tell but after I've burned my fuel I become super passive, and I've always wondered how other people can talk so much more than I do, I guess I just always assumed they have more stories on standby. Now I realize other people can actually speak about whatever, on the fly.
Whenever I have to improvise, I either have to form a sentence in my head before I say it, or if I try to actively engage in conversation and have to respond quickly, dumb half-sentences will come out. Which is a shame because I have a lot to say about certain topics but I physically can't in the moment, and I always beat myself up about it later.
Programming for 10 hours is not a problem but I'm fried after a 2-hour meeting.
I drink a lot because it helps me loosen up. My dad passed in 2016 and I don't remember much about him but he was a heavy drinker aswell.
Today I learned I have autism. I should seek a therapist.
In similar ways, I can definitely relate. I deliberately studied and practiced sarcasm and storytelling for several years before I got comfortable with it and it landed half-decently. And I still get locked up around certain kinds of people.
Therapy is definitely a good consideration. As is general research to help understand what it might mean in general. If you're able to in your area, definitely try and find a therapist who understands autism. Otherwise, from experience, it can be a real impediment.
It's a lot to handle and I hope you're doing well with it. Feel free to ask any questions you might have. I'd be glad to help however I can.
> And some even responded in ways that don't make much sense at all. (One of my best, long-term friends responded with "well, you've always been a great friend to me!" when I texted him the diagnosis).
I think what they meant must have been something like
> I would not have guessed that someone who has always seemed as attentive to my feelings and comfort as you do is someone who has difficulty reading social cues or exercising cognitive empathy
it requires a few leaps in interpretation, but I think they must have meant to be saying something positive about some specific social skills of yours that they expect to be difficult for autistic people.
It kinda makes a little sense. But only a little. It's almost like saying
> it's okay!
as if you'd just apologized for something, which is definitely baffling (and a bit disappointing).
Yeah, it's a good enough friend that I deliberately tried to not interpret what was intended. In part because, as you say, it's a bit of a leap.
Instead, I chose to interpret that the news was surprising and perhaps a bit uncomfortable. And I know that when people are surprised with things like that, they can say things that don't quite make sense or reflect how they feel. So I just kind of left it at that.
But the noticing of it was more the impact that, on this end, it's another data point of not feeling understood. Especially when it isn't brought up again.
I hope you don't find this inappropriate (apologies in advance if you do).
My son was diagnosed with ASD a couple of years back. More recently, it was suggested that he likely has ADHD too. Essentially, the school he'll be starting at next year wanted him to have a cognitive assessment and it came back with a gulf between the things he's good at (reason, logic etc - top 2%) and the things he's not so good at (working memory etc, bottom 7%). Nothing in between.
I had always suspected that I had ADHD, but it was dismissed by therapists who wanted to focus on SAD (very limited success). It felt a little self-involved, but like a lot of newish parents, this was the push I needed to ask for an assessment for myself. The specialist said it was clear as day and at 36yo Vyvanse was immediately (and remains) life changing :)
I'm getting to the question (sorry) - my GP, wife and my a few others suspect that I'm autistic too. Having done a few quick quizzes, it seems that they might be correct (explains a lot, TBH). I was told that there's limited benefit in being diagnosed as an adult though, so I've left it alone. I'm left wondering if that gels with yourself or anyone else that was diagnosed in adulthood? Have you found diagnosis to be beneficial? If it wasn't so expensive, I'd probably do it for curiosity's sake...
There are two types of diagnoses: the kind where your psychologist tells you you have it and puts it on your chart, and the kind where you take the national test (at least in the US), which has a year-long wait list.
I think what most people mean when they say it's not worth getting diagnosed as an adult is the second type, because the only thing it really does is force schools to provide adequate care for students.
I recommend seeking the first type though; I was diagnosed at 30 and it was worth it just to know. I only slightly suspected it though, and the diagnosis is what put me on the path to finding the communities, research, etc., which is ultimately what I got out of it -- so YMMV.
EDIT: Oh and meds! There aren't autism meds, but autism is often linked with anxiety or ADHD, and those can be helped with meds. Diagnosis is a first step to that.
My source is my psychologist, so I don't personally know more about it. But here are some resources I found that allude to it (though like most info on ASD, it focuses on children):
> A comprehensive evaluation requires a multidisciplinary team, including a psychologist, neurologist, psychiatrist, speech therapist, and other professionals who diagnose and treat children with ASD. The team members will conduct a thorough neurological assessment and in-depth cognitive and language testing.
> ...a formal developmental evaluation may be needed...done by a trained specialist, such as a developmental pediatrician, child psychologist, speech-language pathologist, occupational therapist, or other specialist. The specialist may observe the child, give the child a structured test, ask the parents or caregivers questions, or ask them to fill out questionnaires. The results of this formal evaluation determines whether a child needs special treatments or early intervention services or both.
Not at all an inappropriate question. And I'm always glad to talk about any of this stuff and hopefully help in any way that I can.
Side note: Vyvanse has been life-changing for me as well. There's a simultaneous grieving for what could have been all those years, with excitement about what's finally possible.
To your main question, I had the exact same question for years. And I see many people articulating the same sentiment, online and in person. In fact, several years before my diagnosis, I saw a far less-qualified therapist about a diagnosis. I firmly disagreed with her principles in how I should answer questions. In hindsight, my disagreement was correct. (As a basic example, if I was able to learn how to make eye contact - no matter how hard and extreme it was to teach myself, and how much effort it now takes - then that is not an issue/symptom in that therapists mind. I know now that is completely wrong, given how masking works, especially for adults.)
After that initial meeting, I suspected the diagnosis would come up negative (it did). And I was left to consider for several what would be the point in getting a diagnosis from someone far more qualified.
By the time I decided to actually seek out a far more qualified professional to do a far more thorough assessment, I was very clear on why a diagnosis was important: I needed to understand if I had multiple symptoms to address individually (irregular sleep, executive function issues, anxiety, social challenges, etc), or if that collection of symptoms would be better worked on if I understood that it may actually be one thing - autism - and should be approached as such.
So, for me, the utility was because I needed to know what I was working on, in order to work effectively on it. For example, executive function issues stemming from autism would be approached differently than "you just never learned how to prioritize and start things." Or, social/emotional issues stemming from autism are approached very differently (ie: I may start at more basic and fundamental places, and fill in very different knowledge gaps) than if I was neurotypical.
That said, I know of people who don't have official diagnoses, and they're okay with that. Some have fully adopted the diagnosis and researched how to approach it. Some haven't and have chosen to recognize that they're different. And both of these paths seemed to work for these people. For me, I would just much rather know.
Let me know if that helps or if it begets any other questions.
Thank you so much for your response and to the others that responded as well. I'm left thinking that I should take my interest as reason enough to seek a diagnosis.
Another poster commented on it, but I definitely thought of my ADHD diagnosis/treatment as panacea. I believe that's because Vyvanse has (amongst other things) largely put a lid on the anxiety that I've struggled with my whole life. I certainly share your mixed emotions with the late diagnosis and subsequent success with medication there. It's hard not to dwell on the past, but overwhelmingly, I'm enjoying my new life.
The eye contact one is interesting. I recall being yelled at a lot in childhood for not looking at people when I speak to them. As an adult, I find myself forcing it when I remember; it honestly makes me feel ill just typing this and thinking about eye contact though hahaha
Your rationale for working on things from an autism-first perspective makes a lot of sense. In fact, it's precisely the reason we got our son diagnosed at 3 - it changes how his speech therapist, physiotherapist, OT, etc treat his various challenges. Perhaps that's another reason for me to seek a diagnosis - it should be easier to better myself if I have some clarity around what's actually going on...
The other 2 current replies are great and in-depth. I'd like to add a more shallow, kind if like a TL;DR.
(For reference, I got diagnosed mid 30s, wife idem.)
1) You need to find a proper therapist to assess if you have autism. Ideally someone specialised in such. Because otherwise, chance of misdiagnosis is too high.
2) Co-mobordities are common, ADHD and anxiety were given as examples in other reply. I had the latter diagnosis, and got Ritalin prescribed for symptoms of the former in past (I hated the ups and downs, and I could not afford Concerta back then. FWIW, I currently use Prozac, it works great for me, but does make me more oversharing but less edgy. There's multiple other options, I went to a psychiatrist specialized in autism.) If you already have another diagnosis do not assume it is a panacea. If you have ASD it is the root of your being, and all your other issues (see some examples at #3) more or less stem from it.
3) People go for a diagnosis because they are stuck in life for one reason or another (a trigger). Common triggers are work related (issues with coworkers, unemployment), social (divorce, lack of friends, drug abuse), or family diagnosis (children, cousins, etc).
4) Proper diagnosis is painful. Your entire life is basically reviewed with multiple professionals who have specific expertise on the field of autism. It takes a lot of time, energy, and probably money (I live in The Netherlands and it only cost me my 'own risk' of insurance). Try to prepare for it, I say this to warn if you are in a very stresssful situation in life.
5) There's a lot of bullshit about ASD on the internet, and self-diagnosed or misdiagnosed people. Via my diagnosis I met other people who had a proper diagnosis, and I learned so much about autism.
OK it ended up longer than I anticipated, kind of how I am IRL too, masks my shyness too.
Thank you for the explanation of your experiences, I appreciate your input! I definitely understand how your friends and family could have responded. It's good that you tried to inform them of their own misconceptions and opinions.
Of my own friends who are diagnosed, they have time and again pushed for me to also get a diagnosis but I'd heard it can be a quite expensive and drawn-out process (as you've stated). Can you elaborate on about how long or thorough this is? Every article I've seen doesn't really seem to go into any detail on this point.
Did you search out a professional explicitly for the purpose of being diagnosed? I hope I am not being too forward, I also would like to go through this process but I'm not quite sure where to begin. The friends of mine who are on the spectrum have been diagnosed when they were children and I assume or have read a diagnosis as an adult can be more difficult. I'm 32 so not too far off from the age you were diagnosed.
Thanks for any help you can provide and thanks again for participating in the conversation, it was great reading your response.
Why do people with autism inform everyone they know of their diagnosis when they get one? Every time I can remember someone telling me about a new diagnosis, it was for a terminal illness.
I'm going to assume there's no ill will or frustration in your comment.
To answer it directly and plainly, and from my experience only, the social challenges of autism are such a huge part. And so, sharing that with people I was closest to, gave me something to point to when things would get awkward or misunderstood. For example, it wasn't uncommon for people to not understand why I didn't see something the way they did. Under the lens of an autism diagnosis, it helped to explain that difference. And if I share that with you, the tension that arises next time will (hopefully) be lessened and better understood.
There's a great deal of confusion and feeling of being misunderstood that seems to be common with folks on the spectrum, and especially for myself. So to be able to put a name and understanding to that confusion gap is a massive relief. But there's a limit on that relief/understanding if I don't share that with you.
>For example, it wasn't uncommon for people to not understand why I didn't see something the way they did.
I may be extremely cynical in saying this, but I am imagining you disagreeing with someone, and them being upset by that. Then you tell them you have autism, which allows them to resolve the discomfort of being disagreed with... by allowing them to switch into smile-and-patronize mode.
Smiling and patronizing is an emotional state where you're not really listening to someone, while acting positive about the fact that they're talking. It's used on children to the endless frustration of smarter kids.
Also, it seems like you may have a number of notions as to how autistic people interact with others. I'm obviously not sure if you've actually had interactions like this, or if you anticipate for some reason that people would react to you in that way.
But it may be worth considering that the things you've posted here are very likely to be very far off from the norm. And if you've had consistent interactions that have predisposed you to feel the way it seems like you may, it's worth considering that you may just be interacting with someone with other personality traits in there that may not be autism-related.
But if you haven't had these kinds of interactions with people on the spectrum, I'd suggest to you that your preconceptions are very different from my experiences.
I'd agree that's an extremely cynical way of saying it.
I don't disclose it to people I'm not generally close with. And I have never disclosed it at the precise moment of disagreement. It's always been a separate conversation.
I have had plenty of disagreements with people who don't know I'm on the spectrum. And if I wish to not disclose that to them, then it's my responsibility to do my best to make sense of the interaction. I may do that alone, or I may do my best to ask more questions to try and understand what they're saying. Or I may speak to the symptom before asking for clarification; "I sometimes miss people's intent or subtext. Can you be more specific?"
Disclosing it to those that are closer to me provides context for future interactions that I'm not trying to be difficult and that I may genuinely not understand what's being presented. It's their choice how to adjust future interactions with me.
Friends/family/coworkers have told me about everything from COVID and malaria, to diagnosed social anxiety and autism, to various cancers, to a broken collarbone and a stuffed Achilles tendon. Social norms must differ.
I really appreciated reading this, and found it useful and insightful. Would you be willing to share some of your "autistic" behaviors which you successfully mask?
I make light self-deprecating conversational jokes about being autistic. "My autism is freaking out at the lack of specificity here, can you help with more concrete language?" For people who understand autism, they get it, and for the people who don't they think I'm just using the word casually like people who joke about having OCD.
If you could share an experience I feel like that would really help me understand. I'm probably in some ways like a fish in the water of ambiguity, so accustomed to it that I don't think twice about things that could pose serious confusion to others.
Sure! As an example, a friend asks "Do you want to grab a drink tonight?". My day is free, and it's morning when I receive the message. I reply "Sure! Where and when?". They don't reply.
I am now paralyzed for the rest of the day. My brain can't snap my schedule into place, so everything I do is a possible conflict with this promise I just made. Even if it's morning, something may happen -- another invitation to do something in the afternoon, maybe -- that I can't resolve because I don't have the necessary information to. This causes overwhelming anxiety.
My entire brain is blocked on resolving this ambiguity. I can't do hard tasks like programming. I can't pay enough attention to my favorite shows to watch them. If I do, I'll end up rewatching them later because I didn't retain anything. Reading a book is out of the question; I'll just end up rereading the same paragraph 20 times in a row then giving up.
The whole day, zapped out of existence.
To others I will appear distracted, hard to hold in conversation, irritable, and in a hurry. Internally, I'd equate it to the feeling you get on a once-in-a-lifetime special day, like your wedding day or a test that could decide your entire career. It's just that I get it from really small things, and all the time.
What I've learned from working with transactional databases
is how to deal with things like this.
You have a time in the evening, now that time
is blocked by your friend (they didn't commit
nor rollback). You can't process further because
of that lock on your time. The lock is unspecific
(there is no start nor end of time).
So you become anxious, because you need to route
things, but you can't do this because of the
undefined commitment.
There are several strategies that can work:
1. kill the undefined commitment (you can tell them that something came up, so you can be there no longer)
2. specify the bounds of the lock, so that it won't take everything (ask them again for the time and place, if they won't reply do the 1.)
3. Guess it. If it is a drink, then it is after work. Then how much it usually takes me to get there, do it + some padding in case something goes wrong. Basically you do the work on your side.
4. Discard all conflicts. (Tell everyone that you have an important meeting, so you will interact with them tomorrow). Now your whole day is waiting for that meeting and nothing else. In some circumstances it is the right way to go.
5. Optimistic scheduling. Schedule everything to the best of your ability. If something conflicts, kill or reschedule the less important thing. (I am sorry, but something came up, so I can't be there today, maybe tomorrow?)
6. Simply wait. As the day progresses you will get more information to make the right choice
P.S. I apologize for my English (I am severely out of practice with my writing skills)
You're right, but note for onlookers that even realizing that this variety of strategies exists can be the work of years, and learning to apply them years more. Whereas it always seems that the "other people" apply them instinctually.
My favorite is when people suggest you behave based on context such as the person's emotional state, voice inflection, etc. It's like, "If I could do that, I wouldn't have this insane matrix of rules."
Would you consider this a rare example, or are you dealing with things like this ~20 times a day? Do you think people can be most helpful by not being ambiguous? Or by understanding once you've reached that state?
Now that I'm on meds, I only get a day like this maybe once a month. If someone is kind enough to want to help, I definitely ask they first and foremost try not to be ambiguous, or at least to be patient with me when I rapid-fire questions at them to try to resolve the ambiguity. But sometimes ambiguous things just happen, so understanding is also appreciated.
Reading your comment breaks my heart. Sorry, it's going to be a long post, and my english skills are questionable...
I'm 35. French. My family used to see the same allergist since I was a kid. One day, after a really bad nose/eyes allergy attack, he told me it was probably psychological. Well yeah, it's kind of psychological when you are losing your mind with your eyes and nose being painful + the headaches. I'm a peaceful guy but the "psychological" BS with his arrogant attitude was too much for me, I was literally about to grab him... I just left without even paying him.
This idiot had the reputation to be the city best allergist, good thing he retired some time later. I was something like 23 or 24. Most internists I saw between 21/25yo didn't really cared about my condition. I guess it was too difficult to find out what was going on with my chronic colds/allergies, my obesity, my permanent tiredness, depression...
Most psychiatrists I had between 21/25yo were absolute trash, the last one tried to calm me with cyamemazine, a strong antipsychotic. Probably the worst time of my life, imagine all the symptoms I listed before + the sedative effects of the cyamemazine... It's like you don't even feel alive anymore.
I hit rock bottom when I was 25. I had severe allergies without even going outside, always tired, 1 or 2 naps every day, suicidal thoughts... I couldn't work anymore to survive.
Well, good thing it happened when I was 25, because in France you can't have any benefit welfare before 25 (except housing welfare). Before 25, sometimes I used to survive with like 200 euros per month, so the 500 euros "social solidarity benefit" was a lot of money to me.
I was a mess since I was a teenager, but for the first time of my life I met someone from the social services who took care of me. She was used to this kind of situation and recommended me a good internist.
I had to "wait" to be 25 until a good internist sent me to a competent pulmonologist who diagnosed with sleep apnea. This is why I was always tired...
My internist also sent me to a good allergist. I finally got skin tested (the family allergist never tested me...). I knew about pollen allergies, not for dust and mites... This is why I was sick all the time without even going outside. Some asthma too.
Things were getting better after trying a lot of psychiatrist, but not great. The years go by...
2021. After seeing a good psychiatrist in a mental health clinic for the last two years. Things got better, she found the best pills "recipe". :o) But most important, she started to "understand" me. She knew something was wrong despite the fact I was feeling happier.
She knew about my chaotic school years, my lack of concentration and focus, and I guess it became obvious when I failed 2 professional training courses this year.
See where this is going ? ... Early november, she sent me to one of her colleague, a specialized psychiatrist. It was brutal, after studying my records and talking to me for 2 hour, he told me he highly suspected a ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) and possibly an ASD (autism spectrum disorder). When we were walking to the reception, he told me he was "betting" I was probably around 120/130 IQ, smiling. I was like... Yeah, RIGHT... WTH is he talking about. :/
ADHD was plausible to me but I was skeptical about the rest Reading articles about autism or Asperger sometimes felt very familiar to me, but that's about it.
The IQ thing ? Dude, I always felt stupid as long as I can remember. School was terrible. Rates, people, family, everything was terrible. Same as an adult, I always felt too "mental" to do anything "basic" but to dumb to do anything "better". My only good years were as a security guard on a large industrial site. Lots of night shifts, alone...
Next steps : 3 appointments with a psychologist. A first meeting, the WAIS test the next week, and the results another week later. It was among the three longest weeks of my life. Waiting for the results was a nightmare.
It's late november, ADHD is confirmed, heterogeneous IQ between 100 and 130... As far as I understood, I have good cognitive capacities, especially with visual stuff, but everything related to memory is terrible... It's such a mess I don't have a homogeneous IQ.
It was weird to feel "smart" with the cubes and other visual test. At school, maths were my nemesis, but I remember having fun with geometry.
They're still some doubts about an ASD. I was kind of shocked during the last appointment, it was a lot of information to handle. But it seems it's harder to get diagnosed when you're an adult. The psychologist needed to talk to my parents, my school grades, some specific medical informations about my childhood, etc. My mom is gone, I don't want to see my dad anymore and I have nothing about my childhood.
If I want to find out about a possible ASD, she told me we could try a "social cognitive exploration" one day. I'll wait until I feel less lost...
Early december. I'm finishing my 6 months failed professional training courses and the ADHD/ASD specialized psychiatrist put me on methylphenidate right away. "Concerta LP 54mg". "It's going to boost you up. Side effects are going to help you losing some weigh, pretty cool uh ? It's similar to amphetamines." Wait WHAT ?
This is insane. I mean, nothing's going to change about human interactions etc, but it feels like my brain can finally do things without quickly ending exhausted. It's not perfect, but I don't feel this heavy "mental fog" anymore when I try to do something mentally demanding...
This year was an emotional roller coaster. The 6 month courses probably were one of the worst experience of my life, content was boring, terrible teachers, toxic students, I ended up mentally broken... And then all of this happened.
It's a bittersweet feeling. I can't put the last 6 months behind me, I can't forget how all this toxicity affected me. I feel really great thanks to the methylphenidate. Learning seems possible, I can finally enjoy things like playing online with my friends without feeling mentally exhausted after 1 or 2 hours. But sometimes I just lose it, thinking about how things could have been different with good parenting and earlier medical care.
How to you start your life at 35yo ? I'm not even sure I'm going to live another 35 years.
Sometimes I have flashbacks of my previous life, like in high schoool, some really nice memories like being sent to the school psychologist because they suspected me of drug use because I was tired and alone all the time. I think I never touched anything until my first beer around 21yo. Yeah, 21, this is how lame I was, but to my school I was probably a drug dealer. Good job french educational system !
Domestic violence, sexual abuse. My interactions with teachers/school psychologists/family MD/police/child protection services/etc were an endless failure.
All my life I have been teased and bullied for being weird and lazy. At school, at home, in family meetings, at work...
I don't even know if I really tried to hide things, I was just used to think everything weird or terrible in my life was just normal.
How the hell are you supposed to understand something's wrong when you have no idea of what's good or wrong.
You can't place yourself on a scale if you don't know what 0 or 10 means.
So yeah, you spend years hearing people calling you lazy, unmotivated. The "where there's a will there's a way" people, the "you're just making excuses" people.
Same story, I turned down everything, which can sometimes cause bad reactions from your "friends", which can make you feel even worse...
This is why your post overwhelmed me. I felt this for decades.
I've been doing a big cleaning up of my entourage for the last 2 years so I'm not going to have a lot of decisions to make about ADHD and a possible ASD.
I'm just curious about how I'm going to use different learning methods so I can move forward.
I don't know about human interactions... I don't think I can't say anything positive about this, there's too much hate in me.
There is one thing for sure, you can't fix toxic people.
Try to remember that where you are is a good place to start, and to have compassion for your past self. Your past self did everything they could to get to a better situation. And now, things sound like they're starting to get better.
I feel for you. I've had my own fantastic journey trying to climb out of ASD and chronic health overlap. It's complete shit.
I've had luck with Stoic philosophy to try to let go of how much time I've lost because of illness, and how much more I'm going to lose. Feel free to email if you just want someone else to talk to.
Imagine having tremendous back pain since birth, so that multiple times a day you need to lie down for an hour. You tell people about it and they just say "you don't look like you're in pain", or "yeah everyone has back pain", and they imagine you weak for being so affected by it. As a child you were raised that it's taboo to manage your back pain, so you often have to make up excuses to go secretly lie down.
You even believe yourself that you are just a failure for needing to do this when everyone else can soldier on. You have to turn down hikes, trips, even relationships; if a friend invites you over you need to make sure there's an exit strategy, or at least a place you can secretly take a break if you have a spike.
This is what my life is like. I have been trained to look like I'm not in pain -- to hide my shutdowns and meltdowns and hypersensitivities, through willpower or through physically removing myself. It affects my work, my relationships, and my daily life, but the worst part is just the pain itself.