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There's every reason to be negative and cynical when you've had experiences like yours which also shape the lens of your current interactions.

In saying that, I don't believe it's popular in HN but you might find some usefulness in lectures by Dr. Jordan Peterson.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TSZQjMesALM - why everything you do matters

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6c9Uu5eILZ8 - advice for people with depression


I picked out three of these that I think give a decent overflow on some of his central ideas.

Some people view his videos for different reasons, like commentary on cultural war issues in the west, or his studies into the societal causes of authoritarianism.

However, many are mainly interested in his lectures on how you can start to claw back some meaning in your life by focusing on adding a little order to small things, and then increasing that little by little over time.

There's no suggestions to abandon medicine if it can help you, or to avoid professionals who can assist you in this.

Rather than taking the usual self-help route of trying to lead with saying how awesome life is, his writings often explore the reasons people can rationally come to the conclusion that life is meaningless suffering and that we should instead pursue pleasure at all costs because of it. Despite appearing rational on the surface, he then goes on to explore how that can actually lead to an empty vessel of a human experience.

By focusing on restoring order a little a time, it's thought that you can reduce suffering just a little, and that despite the nihilistic thoughts, reducing suffering can only be a good thing for both you and anyone you connect with.

There's a big focus on mythology and literature (pinocchio, peter pan etc), but it's usually a mechanism to convey the wisdom they try to distill.

I wish you well in finding some meaning, it can be a long journey without help and hopefully the videos provide a starting point.

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