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From FOMO to JOMO: the joy of missing out (nesslabs.com)
318 points by anthilemoon 38 days ago | hide | past | web | favorite | 73 comments

I believe it’s easy to be cured of this disease by realizing what you want in life and realizing your limitations.

I care (like probably most other people) about having a reasonably good career, being reasonably financial stable, taking reasonably care of my health, my spiritual life, working on self-education and becoming more informed over time, practicing a small number of hobbies, socializing some, cleaning my house, and contributing some to the communities I find myself in. I’m not in a relationship but that would be very important if I were.

If something doesn’t fall into those, I don’t really care. I’m sure I’ll miss new and improved ways to do those marginally better, but I don’t really care. I basically go out of my way to avoid things that don’t contribute to those unless it’s socially essential (going out with friends or something).

Now there are still infinite variations and ways those all relate to each other and pitfalls to avoid. Watching news tv or reading it on the Internet has many cons. Not keeping has its own (out of touch, susceptible to believe nonsense, etc.). So I get a print newspaper and read it sometimes. Reading insane stuff on the internet may make you spend a lot of time incorrectly doing things that you think will help your health. So don’t do that. Etc (maybe some of its useful but certainly a lot isn’t)

Also have some humility (easier said than done). People are just going to be smarter and more successful than me and if I’m successful I’ll certainly meet them. No secret or new technique or extreme work routine will make something impossible happen to overcome that.

I thought this was going to be about the warm glow you get when you realise that the hot new framework/library/methodology you haven't got round to investigating yet, is already on the way out.

This is me never quite getting into Docker and realizing Kubernetes is replacing it now anyway.

Kubernetes uses Docker images. Kubernetes is analagous to Docker Swarm which are container orchestration systems.

Kubernetes uses the Docker daemon as its container runtime. The docker daemon is running on all your hosts, and Kubernetes talks to the daemon api to start up containers.

user_request -> kubernetes api -> docker api on a host

You can drop in other runtimes, like using containerd directly.

Sorry bud, you've missed the point on that one.

You should check out what docker and kubernetes actually are if you'd like to discuss them. Kubernetes is a management engine that controls docker containers, replacing the docker developed solution.

Did you mean Docker Swarm is being replaced by Kubernetes? Kubernetes is not a replacement for Docker.

I didn't even know there was a difference. Thank you to everyone who is clarifying in this thread.

With any luck I will manage to dodge even Kubernetes straight to serverless!

I think the really cool kids are moving to BEAM (Erlang and friends).

I am using actually using Netlify now for a few apps, though they still connect to a single Laravel backend on DigitalOcean at this point.

I get a positive JOMO feeling when someone shares a media scare story and expects me to join them in pearl-clutching.

I only loosely follow mainstream infotainment/moral panics, and mostly for entertainment value. So I totally enjoy missing out on the “let’s all be scared together” vibe.

NB: This sharing would be f2f, since I have yet another JOMO: not being on FB/insta/etc.

I feel exactly the same way. I stopped using social media and reading the news a few months ago and I've never been happier in my adult life. It's shocking how much regular reading of negative news can impact your emotional health. I even considered myself on the verge of depression at one point. As soon as I stopped reading the news daily and completely cut myself off of social media, my mood and emotional wellbeing began improving.

There's nothing you're missing out on by doing this, only the spread of fearmongering by the media. The world is not ending tomorrow, and experiencing your own life is more important than vicariously experiencing all the negative things in the world through the internet.

Have you considered re-adding a measured amount of news -- at least local -- to your week? You're absolutely right that a lot of the so-called "news" is garbage and just a source of negative emotional energy. Especially the flotsam drifting across social media...

On the other hand, there are things happening in the world, decisions being made and actions taken, that almost certainly affect stuff you value. This is especially true in your town/county/sub-national political region -- which is why I said "local". It's still not exactly fun a lot of the time, but knowing -- and being able to influence! -- what's going on around you ultimately has more upside than down.

But are they? It's important to vote, but realistically what are you accomplishing for yourself or anyone else by keeping up on things everyday.

Let's even use Brexit as an example. For the average everyday person in England, brexit is a huge deal. But what benefit is there to the general population to keep up with every twist and turn of political maneuvering? In the end it's important to vote smart. Voting smart can br done via checking up on current events once a week if not once month. Things really do not move as fast as online news and social media will lead you to believe. Brexit is taking years to happen. But if you keep up with the news you might think everyday is the brink of doom or salvation. When in fact the average person has months or possibly years between actionable events.

It looks like you've hit 'reply' on the wrong comment? I didn't say anything about everyday, or "keeping up with every twist and turn" of the national news.

I concur. It's important to be engaged with what's going on locally and things that will directly impact you and people around you. If everybody ignored these things and just kept their heads down then I'd argue we'd all be worse off. Your own mental state could be improved by ignoring them, but I do believe that we all have some responsibility to try and improve the society around us.

I've found that keeping exposure to media down to every week or two and mostly reading summaries of events after the fact has helped immensely. It filters out all of the noise you get from live reporting. This helps get down to the facts of what's happened, and allows one to keep a certain emotional detachment from the events and focus on the important things.

Well my local news organizations are particularly bad as well, so not really.

there is a real need for a site that provides just the bare details of the news without need to editorialize, etc. I should be able to filter content; If I need to get more details, I can always google for that.

Try following a news agency—I like Reuters. They gather news reports and then sell them on to newspapers/broadcasters/etc. who add their spin and choose which details to focus on or ignore, so it's a bit like buying your food fresh from the farm.

I thought I was the only one who experienced this - I always have this mild feeling of bewilderment at people who are upset/angry/worried at everyone, and I'm always glad I dont feel the need to do the same.

I tried subscribing to the EFF and ACLU newsletters to keep up on stuff that matters without being on social media, but the volume was worse than their Twitter accounts. I want to know when people try to legislate me out of public life or worse, but it felt like they sent an email several times a day.

Maybe it's just that bad?

Same here, then some family members started acquiring guns because of the fear and paranoia. To the extent that they brag about getting training so their response to a home invasion will be "muscle memory".

It stopped being funny, and now I no longer visit some of those relatives for fear of being mistaken as an intruder and shot when stumbling into their home drunk after a night on the town during an extended visit as a house guest. In the past I would go across the country and stay with some of these relatives for a month or more in a spare room. Now it just doesn't seem safe with them keeping a handgun under their pillows.

This seems a bit of pearl clutchery itself.

Pointing to media reports as evidence sorta proves the point accidentally.

indeed, lmao. getting a JOMO right now just looking at those silly links & feeling zero desire to click thru.

There's a world of difference between avoiding sleeping in a household you know for a fact is occupied by an armed paranoid steeped in fear of the bogeyman vs. arming yourself out of fear of the bogeyman.

One threat is very real, the other is largely nonexistant but portrayed by the media as a growing omnipresent danger.

You may be privileged enough to not be personally affected by any of the political conflicts roiling society today, but many other people are not as lucky as you are. There are millions of people whose lives risk being destroyed based on the whims of politicians, and they have every right and reason to be scared. Your smug indifference does not make you more enlightened than everyone else.

Your incorrect assumptions say more about yourself than they do me.

I refuse to live a fear-directed life, that is all.

I'm using a flip phone right now with a different number and it's been great for a number of reasons.

- I am focused on creating instead of consuming every day. Instead of critiquing tech companies and their ethics, I am building one aligned with my moral compass. Instead of captions, I am writing posts for my blog on a number of subjects/interests.

- Clients have to reach me through email instead of wasting my time on the phone. A lot of them do not respect my time like I respect theirs. Having everything in writing makes it easier to manage projects.

- I've been traveling a lot over the last year and barely posted about it, this allowed me to just enjoy the places and focus on improving as a photographer using my Sony a6000. I don't care about posting the perfect caption anymore, I am absorbing the wisdom of the ages by experiencing what the great minds of the past did directly instead of through middle men.

- I am thoroughly done with 'influencers' who blast me with the same couple messages in different words every week. They are not influencing, they are preying on the attention of indecisive and unfocused people. Anyone who needs a Gary V-type to yell at them to get started isn't that serious to begin with if you ask me. Anyone who is traveling the world to take selfies while meditating is more narcissistic than 'woke'. Don't post about it, be about it. I've recently found out that Jay Shetty steals a lot of his content and is most likely lying about 'being a monk'. This irks me because he is making a mockery of actual monks I know.

- I've been spending more time with my 4-year-old nephew who is obsessed with trains and LEGOs. We have conversations now and I teach him as much as I can about the basics of math, engineering, design, writing, math.

- When in the car, I talk to the person I am with instead of looking at my phone. When at a meal, I am talking to the people I am with and not staring at my phone. When I am waiting in line, I am counting my blessing to have freedom and opportunity instead of scrolling and swiping.

- I have to actually know how to navigate cities now and this has been a good practice because cities are fascinating things. I stumble into all kinds of interesting things by 'accident' many times too.

Didnt read all of your comment, too much of telling what you dont miss. Still sounds fomo / social media-ish to me. Do whatever you like, without having to justify it. That is jomo. Drinking a beer now without having to justify it. Cheers ;-) shite, even telling that feels fomo-ish.

Just speaking my truth. I don't drink or smoke anymore either, don't miss it. Enjoy. ;)

Author states:

"In essence, JOMO is a way to live an intentional life. It’s realising that FOMO is distracting you from your life’s purpose, and that you don’t need more time. You just need to use your time in a way that allows you to act on intent-based ideas, such as creative projects or spending time with the people you care about the most."

Sorry, my comment was not clear. Updated it to clarify i read the article!

Zen is zen. Not-zen is zen.

You typed all that on a flip-phone?

MacBook. just use the flip phone for calls.

Good comment and thanks for the sumup. Not using a basic phone myself, but been thinking about buying one for a while now. Just out of interest (not fomo ;-)) Which one did you choose?

Just started using an old family phone that still works. Brand is 'Alcatel' running on 'KaiOS', don't know the model to be honest. It's not the best on the market I'm sure but it gets the job done and doesn't distract me.

The poem at the bottom is by Leunig, a sydney morning herald comic and one of my favourites for years. My mum sent me this (the cartoon accompanying the poem) a couple of years ago when he published it - hope you enjoy it too


Leunig has his moments, shsme about his anti-vaccination stance. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/aug/19/i-dont...

I wasn't aware of this - thanks.

[edit] seems like he may have come back a bit?


There can be career FOMO too, spending 20 years developing .NET applications, many of which will now be defunct isn't as fancy sounding as someone who has worked at FAANG, invented GMail then done a startup and then moved on to quantum cryptography.

You know the little bios people do to boast they are a "TED Speaker, this that the other". I dream of making a blog that just says "Proudly lazy person, slightly above median IQ but works just for the money, enjoys lying on a towel in the sun on the patio. You won't catch me running through a marathon finish line".

That would be for satire of course, but there is a grain of truth to it, in that so many people online look like super achievers.

It's easy to go too far in the other direction.

Is it?

There's no obligation to achieve notable things, especially not by anyone else's standards.

The standards are subjective anyway. For example, unlike the person you're responding to, I'm unimpressed if you worked for FAANG--it shows you're a hard worker or at least create that impression, but it also shows your values don't align with mine very well. In fact, if you work for Facebook I'll respect you more if you quit: what Facebook does is bad.

I jokingly use the term FOMO when a close friend of mine is doing something that I could have participated in. Like the author, I also live in a city where are so many things happening all the time that there will always be another cool thing to do very soon. Additionally, I've lived here close to 20 years of my adult life so i've done a million things already so I actually don't mind missing out on things because i've done similar things before. So maybe FOMO reduces with age and experience?

Also, I heard the term JOMO for the first time in a TV show last night and I thought it was a joke that the show made up. Was surprised to see the term mentioned on HN this very next morning.

This resonated with me. Particularly during my university years. Friends would go out all the time. Mainly parties, get drunk, discos ...

"Do you wanna come Harry!?" "Err, I'm going to give this one a miss"(x300)

Then they'd leave and it was bliss. Peace and quiet. Just me. And whatever the hell I wanted to do.

I could never really put my emotion into thoughts. But the joy of missing out was pretty much it.

"Missing out" is now the status quo. And I'm not sure that's a good thing. Sometimes I feel like a should try more stuff, but do it on my own terms. I'm sure I'll get there.

Thanks for writing. I intend on checking out Svend's book.

It sounds like you're describing the relief an introvert gets by having some solitude to recharge.

Tip for the wise:

If you want a little quiet time, pick up activities that involve manual labor. Not sports, not hiking. Sweaty things with dirty hands and faces. You'll get plenty of alone time.

(caveat emptor: You'll also get a really vivid picture of how bad classism is.)

Good article

OP's post linked to an article that mentions elsevier. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S074756320...

I keep seeing that name, it's related to Mendeley, an app for reading journals on smartphones.

Unfortunately it's 10-20 bucks to get the paper.

> Loneliness, envy

It seems to be a common theme in FOMO. This paper also tries to tie envy + loneliness <-> fomo: https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/6a4f/4e27a55178bd1d9bd58744...

Surveys around this subject have weaknesses, this snippet from above sums up my feelings: "Another limitation derived from the self-reported nature of the questionnaires. Information reported by participants may have reflected socially desirable responses, rather than participants` true responses."

This is the big issue around this status / pride stuff. There's never going to be people admitting how they're sensitive about superficial things and there's this awkward silence to not break the fourth wall and talk about it. Lol

Why? Maybe because it's vulnerable self-disclosure and there wouldn't be reciprocity. If everybody went and said something like: "my primal fear is I won't be loved if I don't have status. I worry if I speak candidly about my feelings and attitudes, friends will abandon me. I feel I'm always caretaking to others and nobody cares about me. That's why I act out this way"

>> "This is the big issue around this status / pride stuff. There's never going to be people admitting how they're sensitive about superficial things and there's this awkward silence to not break the fourth wall and talk about it."

I keep seeing this, but how often is it true? I always answer these questionnaires honestly. The person who made it just wants some good data for their science. I've never felt a need to lie to them.

Your honest response could be drowned out by other's errors for innocuous reasons:

> response errors in surveys can occur because respondents misunderstand the questions, cannot retrieve all the relevant information, use inaccurate estimation and judgment strategies, round their answers, or have difficulty mapping them onto one of the response categories.

These go into survey responses to sensitive questions:

- https://www.learnlab.org/research/wiki/images/a/a8/Tourangea...

- http://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=

I'm straying off topic, they will try in various ways to bullet proof these surveys. I don't know, I think if a group of people are quizzed, there will be more incentive for people to not give accurate answers. Hm:

What if they come from a family where a guardian is an alcoholic but don't have a point of relation to compare to, and say it's fine at home? They haven't processed it yet.

Outside of surveys, there are blown personality/psychiatric assessments designed to detect over-reporting and malingering: https://scholarsrepository.llu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?artic...

What I'm struggling with is the opposite of FOMO. It used to be, if you liked a particular type of music (e.g. New Wave in the 80's) you stood a chance of hearing a significant percentage of what was available out there.

With the advent of things like Youtube and Garage Band, MOST of a niche music type will be made by people, who won't be well compensated for it, and you'll never get the chance to hear it...because there are so many people making so much stuff.

That's another kind of FOMO.

I'm at a festival right now, which is focused on a particular niche (death metal), and structured so it's possible to see every single band and still have time for beer and food.

I am consciously choosing to miss out on some of the bands, because I only have so much capacity to take in new bands at a time.

Don't worry, just enjoy the stuff you like.

You’d rather choose to hear most of a small amount than some of a larger amount?

The compensation was never there to begin with for non popular artists, only difference is now they can distribute it.

It's not that, there was this huge communal experience that's, well, probably not gone, but significantly changed. I used to joke that old people listened to classic rock and it was all the same 7 bands from that late 60's early 70's...all the while not realizing I was forming the same tastes with the 80's...but I still consume new stuff...heck, I have access to 90% of everything ever recorded, but it's the fraction of that that I'll never have full mastery of. It lets me sample Zepplin and Beatles and Bowie, and also Earl (Tongue Tied) and K/DA, and Pomplamoose and I'm not scratching a half a percent of the music that's out now.

Exactly - FOMO and JOMO are two poles. The hard thing is to be satisfied with the selection you make out of the vast offerings.

At the end of the day people will do whatever makes them happy. Life is not black and white and it's different with every person, if you feel FOMO is a problem in your life change it otherwise keep it up if it makes you happy, I don't necessarily view it as a negative thing. Although I have never heard of these terms I am in my early 30s and I think JOMO has been my way of life since I can remember its what makes me happy. I'm not anti social but I haven't made new friends in a long time and spend little time on social media. The few close friends I have, I've known them for 15-20 years, right now I spend 80% of my free time alone indulging in my personal projects and activities I enjoy and 20% with those close friends and family and this balance has been working for me so far.

Since having been suspended from Twitter, I wholeheartedly agree with this article. I’ve found that my quality of life has been so much better, and I’m actually finding ample time to work on and finish side projects.

Personally, I’ve found that the biggest factor to my stress is obligation, and not having enough time for everything. Social media, trying to get a handle of everything that’s happening, and reading every interesting link is a bloody big obligation.

IMHO, time spent on social media vs your quality of life are inversely proportional.

For anybody looking the full forms of FOMO & JOMO, like me:

Fear Of Missing Out

Joys Of Missing Out

I mean it's right there in the title :)

I tend to stay away from Instagram as I once read a study (too lazy to find the paper) that Instagram is more detrimental to mental health than other social networks and is generally to be avoided (partly this is because you are comparing other people's highlight reel to your boring drab life).

I use Facebook, albeit sparingly and only ever to make meaningful interactions with my family, and nothing else. I don't feverishly 'check in' to locations, don't engage in 'groups', don't 'like' a million-and-one things, or otherwise engage in the Facebook app in any meaningful way. It means Facebook can't build a dossier of my interests, although they do know my social graph, but then: I'm not a person of interest anyway. I am actually very forgettable.

For Twitter, I have a locked down account and only follow what I'm interested in. I don't actively seek to get more followers, and have literally nothing in my bio that is about me. I don't use my real name. My account is purely for discovery of positive news, and content that stimulates me intellectually.

I recently started to experiment with Neuro Linguistic Programming[0] and a big part of that is deciding what you pay attention to (especially online) and feeding your brain with content that enables you to grow as a person and not be bogged down with negative content that only appeals to your 'monkey brain'. I haven't gone to extremes by cutting out all social media, instead I just use it mindfully and by carefully choosing the types of content I consume.

[0] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuro-linguistic_programming

Having just taken a brief look at your link, it seems your link does more to discredit NLP than justify it. How did you come across it, how did you vet it before subscribing to it, and how has your experience applying it been?

Good article, I would like to see some influential people in tech apply these principles instead of tweeting.

I have over time taken up the habit of saving interesting links to articles thinking that this repo will be the first place to look when i need something related to the topics which interest me. Investing. OOP. Nutrition. Books. Articles. Conferences. All the stuff that’s interesting but not immediately relevant to my life _right now_.

Sometimes it is useful. Other times, I’m just dealing with my FOMO. Haha. And I’m ok with that, because I find another joy when my interests match the zeitgeist.

But it strikes me the last time I really suffer from FOMO was attending Burning Man some years ago. And with that event having just concluded last weekend (again without my attendance), it was the first thing I thought about reading this article.

Well. There’s always _next year_. Haha

This subject of FOMO vs JOMO concern me since I moved to the big city. You’re right in the most of it. My conclusion when I’m thinking back is to have some base line (infrastructure) of things you like to do and things you don’t (I like art, music shows and tech talks about the future for example) - it gives you a better way to take a decision to attend or not to an event/meeting :) Moreover, limit your weekly go-out and meeting activities to save the balance.

Thank you :)

Saying yes to everything often leads to good experiences. I’d recommend it anyway. I like Instagram because it lets me see what everyone is doing and it lets you chat about it even though you’re not there. Sometimes they’ll FaceTime me while they’re there and we’ll chat for a bit and it’s a nice feeling of warm inclusion.

"Miss out" on stupid meaningless stuff, focus on your own initiatives/priorities/goals, get tons of stuff done, and become the thing lesser people are afraid of missing out on.

This article gives me FOMO on JOMO.

Apply this principle to flying and even people who embrace JOMO and profess to care about the environment go nuts and refuse to consider not flying.

There is huge FOMO at the root of flying. There's incredible joy and abundance without it that people refuse to sample, as if everyone before flying was miserable.

This comment seems oddly off topic

Less is more.

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