Ask HN: Does the Dale-Carnegie approach work in business?

[whack]

As a startup co-founder, I often find myself having to manage freelancers and vendors.

I've recently read Dale Carnegie's classic "How to win friends and influence people", and am trying to put into practice the lessons given in the book. Particularly when dealing with freelancers or vendors who aren't living up to our expectations, and whom we have to continue working with in the short-term at least.

The Dale-Carnegie approach that I'm trying to follow:

- Do not argue, belittle, nag, scold, yell, make a scene, etc etc

- Tell them what you need, and frame it in a way that appeals to their self-interest

- Compliment them, and let them know how highly you and others think of them

- Emphasize to them the importance of the problem you're facing

- Let them know that everyone is counting on them, and encourage them to live up to their high ideals and reputation

My co-founder's style, which I've also seen in many corporate managers/directors/VPs, incorporates some of the above lessons as well. But it diverges significantly in that it involves a lot of "nagging", "scolding", "playing bad cop" and "raising hell" when problem occur.

Lately my co-founder and I have been butting heads over this. She thinks that I'm being too "soft", and that my approach isn't going to get the best results. I'm certainly willing to embrace conflict where I think it will be helpful - but I genuinely believe that the Carnegie style can deliver the best results. Am I being too naive?

[Spooky23]

The key is to control emotional response. A big part of the Dale-Carnegie thing is to blunt a visceral reaction.

Personally, I keep an internal bozo meter and use that to guide responses. A key area of concern is to make sure you are not the bozo as well!

Most people are acting in good faith and poor performance is a symptom of some problem. The priority with them is to get your needs prioritized.

At some point you start to understand that some people are acting in bad faith, or are too incompetent to know the difference. In those cases, you need to compel performance in a way that is appropriate. It’s never productive or moral to belittle people, but is appropriate to nag.

Another key thing that you and your cofounder need to respect is that you have different styles and you don’t cross boundaries. You don’t want to be a sheep, she cannot be a jerk.

[InGodsName]

There is no one true approach.

Although, treating people who work for you like you would treat any other adult human who is equal to you is a good approach in general.

After watching "The Social Network", when i became an executive and stuck in some interaction where i didn't know to raise hell or back off, i always asked myself what Zuckerberg would do?

And that explains the leadership strategy i use.

Since your co-founder is strict like Dad, you can be caring/kind like a mom. Maybe it's a false equivalence but you get an idea. Both of you don't have to use same approach.

[randomaccount_0]

The book was advised to me years back by by an acquintance who thought I could come off as a jerk at times although my intentions were never so.

I read, and acted on it for some time, And then shifted some. I am an idealists so I was actually looking to educate myself on how to do it best.

Carnegie is right about what people respond to. The part that worked for me was to keep a bright personality. People also wanna be heard. This second one is more taxing on me as it is not my natural mode of thought. Some are far better listeners. I can only spend a small portion of my time on hearing what people have to say. I presume the economy of such efforts is different for others.

Unfortunately some people are not worthy of good interaction. Some are incompetent and some are not good people. They may construe your kind gestures as something they can ride. So a selection process should be in place.

What works for one, may not work for another. Giving ad hoc advice may also backfire.

[Regardsyjc]

I think the key question you're trying to ask here is what to do if you're having issues with a freelancer or vendor who aren't living up to your expectations. And in that situation what communication style works best.

I just let people go and try to terminate those types of relationships as soon as possible when I know it's not working. It's not worth it to focus on any communication style in my opinion. Sometimes you just have to cut losses quickly and professionally.

I try my best to learn from these situations and get a lot pickier about who I work with. If you're having lots of issues with people who aren't meeting your expectations I would check whether there's miscommunication or whether you need to increase your standards whether for freelancers or vendors. You should be picky with both the people you hire and your clients. I learned that the hard way. :(

Sorry if this was not helpful.

[tinktank]

IMO nagging, scolding, etc only serves to motivate people to get you off their back, not to become better.